KFC Radio - Shane Gillis & Matt McCusker || Smokeshow Fart Seller Suffers Career Ending Heartattack || Anjelah Johnson-Reyes

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

- New York City is the best city to live in when you're young - Reality TV star Stephanie Matto retired from selling farts in a jar after suffering a heart attack scare - Who are the top 3 most famous women in the world? - AITA - Voicemails - airplane armrest - hating something but being hypocritical about it - a Hilarious Interview with Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker on manager butts, lap sh*ts, Betty White, Low-T competitions at Barstool, and much more - Interview with Anjelah Johnson on barely graduating high school yet being successful otherwise, and how she made a career out of being one of the first viral videos on the internet +++++++++++++++++++++ 0:00 - Intro 00;11;40;18 - NYC is the best 00;29;16;02 - Girl who sells her farts 00;48;37;22 - Top 3 most famous women 01;04;36;11 - AITA 01;31;52;27 - Voicemails 01;55;16;24 - Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker Interview 03;03;03;27 - Anjeleh Johnson Interview ++++++++++++++++++++ BetterHelp.com: Go to BetterHelp.com/KFC for 10% off your first month. True Classic Tees: Go to trueclassic.com for 20% OFF use promo code KFC. Again, go to trueclassic.com and end your search for the perfect shirt!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'll do it with you. I don't want to do it, like, Barstool-wide, though. But, like, if I had the lowest T in this room, I'd be like, whatever. You guys should do that annually and fire that guy. Yeah. That's a good point. That's a great idea.

That's a good idea. That would be good for the misogyny tag. Barstool Sports fires the lowest testosterone member of the team every year. Every year? And it's ritually fire one girl. Everyone starts doing steroids. Fucking jacked. You know how sick Barstool would be if the guys all started doing roids?

We go back to the golden days the Barstool Sports Network. It's Feidelberg. It's Clancy. We're here to fuck around. Today we got Shane Gillis. Ooh, coming in hot. I don't know. I didn't fuck around. I had water in my mouth so I figured I'd spit it out. We got Shane Gillis back on the show. We got Matt

McCusker making his debut with the Young Bull, and it's a good one. It's a fantastic one, and that's why you subscribe to the podcast. It's a must-watch. It's a must-watch because when you see watch. It's a must watch, yeah. Because when you see us cackling, and you got to see Shane doing like his big R word faces, you know.

It's much better. It's much better. The visuals are much better. And so go to the KC Radio YouTube, subscribe, use your Gmail, log in, subscribe. You get all the episodes when they go live. You get all of our clips. You get everything when it gets posted. You can can watch it the revolution is finally taking place what's this like a lot of people are coming to onto the youtube for podcasts like i feel like when we

first were trying to push people to do it everyone was like no shut the fuck up who does that and there's still a lot of people who are like i listen on my commute and i listen at the gym and i listen at my desk and that's fine but there's enough people who are like, I listen on my commute and I listen at the gym and I listen at my desk and that's fine. But there's enough people who are like, oh, I listened to you. I watched it. And you're right. It's so much better. Yeah. Think about like anything.

I mean, when you watch TV, it's better than fucking listening to things. Although listening to TV is pretty sick. I'm a big TV listener. But podcasts I watch exclusively. I meant, all right, it's a very rare occasion I listen to TV. When you're going to sleep. No. When you're going to sleep and you can picture the scenes in the office.

Occasionally, but what I was referring to, because I don't even count that, because I'll be honest, I cheated that. I poke an eye open quite often. What I mean is when I'm driving, because I'll be honest, I cheated that. I poke an eye open quite often. What I mean is when I'm driving, I will, sometimes I'll pop on Netflix. On your phone? Yep. And just listen to the show? Just listen to the show.

Don't hate that. Yeah, no, it's not so bad. Do that with the podcast. And sure. Do that with the podcast. You can listen to the podcast, just have it on YouTube, get our views up. Oh, great idea. You can be subscribed to help out our audio. You know what, actually, just prop your fucking phone up on the dashboard. And watch while you up. Oh, great idea. You can be subscribed to help out our audio. You know what?

Actually, just prop your fucking phone up on the dashboard and watch while you drive. Watch while you drive. There won't be any problems. I've done that. Sure. Get a Tesla and fucking, oh, I've done it all. I mean, you know me. I'm watching porn.

I'm fucking making phone calls. I'm texting. I'm wheeling and dealing. I did that back in the day when I had to, like the marathon I ran or the whatever it was. You didn't run a marathon. No, I ran 17 miles in a day. And it was the... Oh, yeah.

It was like a team has to run 100 miles and shit. Correct. That was one of the weirdest things that anybody's ever requested, like the wrong person. I'd be like if someone came to me and was like, yo, we're going to do this weightlifting challenge. We got to lift like 2,500 pounds altogether.

And what they did too is they didn't stay on top of me. 17's impressive. You got to stay on top of me. Because they invited me. I was like, hell yeah, I'll get in shape. And then they called me a week before the race. Like, you ready? And I was like, I haven't ran once.

The fact that you banged out 17 is crazy. Yeah, but I did it sprinting and walking, sprinting and walking. But the point of all this is to say that when I was driving the van, which was my initial drive. You were watching. I had the phone chopped up there. Listen, if you can't multitask and watch TV and drive at the same time, you're a fucking simpleton loser. And if that's the way you're going to go, that's the way you're going to go. It's God's will.

That's really it. And I wouldn't mind that. As long as I don't kill other people. If that's the way that pedestrian was meant to go, it's the way he was meant to go. I just got clipped today by a motorbike, like a bicycle with the motor, you know? Not like a motorcycle, but one with delivery men on the sidewalk, whipping, doing like 35 on the fucking sidewalk. And I was coming out, and he, boom, and he went extra close, like on purpose. Because a lot of times I'm-

He buzzed your tower? Yes, he buzzed my tower. What the fuck? To make a point, you know? He's like, I'm going to deliver this pulled pork spicy ramen and I'm gonna fucking buzz Kevin Clancy's tower on the way. And I kind of wish I knew, I really didn't see him until the last second. I think I would have thrown a leg out.

Oh, I have fantasies about that. All the time. Because when I've done jaywalking and they'll buzz my tower and I'm like, respect it. I deserve that. You were in the right. I was in the wrong. I'm on the sidewalk. I'm coming out. I'm making a turn. I'm the pedestrian walking. Your ass is not supposed to be on there with a bike your ass is definitely not supposed to be on there with a fucking electric bike fuck you i i get more mad probably because of the power

because i'm a bully and the bikes have the power so i'm like i don't know they're kind of like that you came out as a bully yeah yeah it's time you've been denying it for a long time you're a bully yeah i don't like weak people i find them worthless You bully people You bully the weak You always have And you've always been like Nah I'm not a bully I just buzz balls No

It's like when Burt came out as fat You're now coming out as a bully I'm a bully Yeah man What do you provide to the species growth? Nothing Okay I'm gonna make fun of you

Yeah But This is evolution This is simply me I am Darwin The hand of Darwin I am propagating the human evolution. This is simply me. I am Darwin. The hand of Darwin. I am propagating the human species.

Yes, it is. Without me, the human species would fail. You're almost the grand architect. This is Feidelberg eugenics right here. But, uh, I always, I always think that when I see someone on a city bike, because they are easily bullied. Absolutely. When I see them on a city bike, kind of, if they're not real, if they're right on the sidewalk, they're always wobbling because they're not used to the weight.

They don't really know how to ride a bike. Yep. Because if you know how to ride a bike, you fucking own one. Backpack on, and they're, like, carrying a laptop. They're in, like, high heels or, like, a full suit. You can't ride a bike in a suit. Your shit's all tight. Backpack, helmet.

It's like, pow. And I'm like, oh, my God. I could just fucking tackle that person. And they would explode into dust. Oh, imagine that. And they're just like, da-da-da-da-da-da- that. And they're just like... And you're just fucking... Jadavia and Clowney spear them.

The bike keeps going. Their arms and legs do this thing. They just go flying like a Goldberg spear. Oh, that's my dream. That'd be nice. You fucking pussies. The question about would you rather have sex with anyone you want or be able to powerbomb people?

I'll throw a spear in there as well. If you could just bundle somebody and no repercussions. I like a dropkick. A dropkick? That's hard. I saw a dropkick once in my life. It was crazy. To a person? Yeah. I think we talked about this because I've seen a dropkick once. It was to a goose. It was great. To a goose?

Actually, I take it back. It was a person. A guy on campus Easily confused. A guy on campus at Fordham kicked a goose? Oh, no. Well, it was... Actually, I take it back. It was a person. My... A guy on campus... Easily confused. Yeah, well, a guy... A guy on campus at Fordham kicked a goose. And my boy was like, what the fuck are you doing?

And he was like, I don't like geese. He was all fucked up. And my boy did a two-foot drop kick to him. Dude. It was wild. That's fucking badass.

Yeah. I like that. And they both, you know, hit the ground, and he just got up and was like, don't fucking do that again. And the guy was, like,

so stunned, he was kind of like, okay, okay. Is that a goose that just happened to me? Is that guy's mom a goose? I gotta be honest, since I'm a bully, I wouldn't defend geese. Geese are awful. You hit a dog, I probably

won't even fight you on that one but geese fuck cause you're a stranger I don't there's something about that happened in my fraternity once

what someone accidentally killed a dog pray tell it was it was a totally like it was everyone involved

in the situation felt awful I would sincerely hope it wasn't like a fucking frat thing where you kill a dog. It wasn't like that. If you want to be a pie gamble, you've got to fucking kill this dog. I wasn't there.

I didn't witness it. But I heard about it, and everyone was pretty fucked up by it. It was like someone was in the courtyard practicing golf swings, and someone's dog just ran, and it was just perfectly timed. The ball or the club? No, the club. They didn't even have a ball. swings and someone's dog just ran and it was just like perfectly timed like he was coming down all of the club he know the club it was like there was they didn't even have a ball he's kind of like you know like like like foreplay is always posting like like random people work on their swing but it must have been full yeah he's in the middle of a courtyard like with the club

and it was just perfectly timed like dog ran on can you just imagine i hate to do this but like the sound i thought like thank god i was not there i wouldn't i would be i would be in the mental if that's you yeah if you did it if you witness it it's bad enough if you did it i mean fucking forget about it my dog duncan ran out of the house this was over the summer so a few months ago and was like going out into the street and a car was coming and he luckily just decided to stop at the last second. But I was watching it, and we all screamed his name. And there was this split second, and I was like, I'm about to watch this,

and this is going to fucking ruin me for life. And that was something that's still tragic, but it's happened. Dogs get hit by cars. Your dog died from a freak golf swing accident. Can you imagine the timing? The dog was chasing a different – we had a big courtyard. Out of all the space you imagine the timing? The dog was chasing like a different... We had a big courtyard. Out of all the space and all the timing.

He's chasing a ball and it was like perfectly timed. Again, I was not there. I didn't really know why the guy wasn't a big fan. I didn't really know why the guy was that well involved in it. But I heard about it and it was... It was fucked up to hear about. Alright, switching gears. I don't think we need to talk anymore about dead dogs. Because we got... We're only 20 minutes into the, and we haven't even got to the show yet.

So let's get things going. Today's episode is brought to you by True Classic. T-shirts that fit. T-shirts that fit well, make you feel good, and are a class. I mean, really think about it. We've talked a lot about the greatest inventions of all time. And we always end up talking about electronics. We say air conditioning, TV remote, internet.

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Yeah. The loom. The loom. The loom was a big one. The loom. Loom versus printing press. Who you got? Loom. Loom? Loom, for sure. I don't even big one. The loom. Loom versus printing press. Who you got? Loom.

Loom. Loom, for sure. I don't even know how the loom works. I don't give a shit about readings. Reading. But I do give a shit about clothes. Yeah, exactly. I give a shit about shirts.

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in need. They've helped build 35 tiny homes for homeless veterans, which we'll talk about in a second. Tiny homes segues nicely into what we've got to talk about here with real estate and where to live and whatnot.

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city metro area this argument and discussion and debate has been burning white hot in my mentions for three days now this is one of those ones it's like an annual one. This is like the stand-up sit-down. Like, once a year, everyone discovers... I guess... Because usually it's a horrendous example of New York City prices. This one, I just didn't think was that bad.

It was... It was a studio apartment with exposed brick. It was Harlem. It was in Harlem? Yeah, which is not great, but also not the worst anymore. I know some people think of Harlem, but that's kind of cliche. Exposed brick with a fireplace? Kind of. It's up and coming.

They do things like they call it Spaha for Spanish Harlem and shit like that. Yeah, we're gentrifying it. We're slowly gentrifying it. Absolutely. Slowly pricing out all the people who... All the originals. All the people... Yeah.

Not like natives is the proper term, but the people who grew up there. Right. Bringing in all the annoying white people who then ruin the culture. Yeah. That's how we do it. Don't worry, baby. We'll fuck it up. Right.

We'll fuck it up. And that's why that guy, you can listen to him on TikTok. He's like, look at this beautiful space. He's like the slimy little New York City real estate broker who's gentrifying a cool town, cool neighborhood, and ruining it. But it was $1,900 for a studio apartment with finished floors, exposed brick, a little

fireplace, a dishwasher, and a normal bathroom with a small kitchen. And it was $1,900, under $2,000. And I was like, that's pretty fucking good for 2021, 2022. Yeah, no, that's pretty good. And I'm kind of down with studios because you just have one thing to maintain.

Well, that kind of brings me to really the only point I'll have this whole conversation is that I've been following your mentions, not mentions, but your quote tweets. And I see a lot of people saying things like, I have a four-bedroom. I have a this. I have a that. Why? Why? If you need it, now you need it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, if you have three kids, that's one thing. But I've never understood when you see that, like, Tom Brady and Gisele just bought a mansion with, like, 19 bathrooms and 25 bedrooms. I'm like, for what? You literally can't even use all that space if you wanted to. I live in a very small apartment. I cannot maintain it.

It's too big for me. I have a three bedroom that's pretty spacious because I live in the hood. And it's like, it's too much. I'm like, I don't need all this. And in this case, I actually do because I have the kids. I wanted to make sure the kids have their own rooms and shit. But so many people. So I've been arguing on Twitter,

and then I did on the Kevin Clancy show where I was talking about everyone outside of New York says New York City is a hellhole, it's a shithole, it's gross, it's disgusting, there's homeless people, there's violence, there's crime, and it's expensive and overcrowded. And why would you live there?

Why would I live there? Because when you're young, it's awesome. They have the best bars, the best restaurants, the best comedy clubs, the best club clubs, the best businesses here. Broadway's here. Arts are here. Culture's here. So you come here to try to make it in whatever fields you want to make it in because the most important of those jobs are here. Headquarters are here and all like the fancy shit's here. And you have the best nightlife here because you can stay out all night and hot people are here famous people are here drugs are here parties here sex is here so

you do all that when you're young because when you're young you don't care about people are like look at the crime rates when i was young i was like i don't give a fuck about the crime rates who suck my fucking asshole does not affect me at all until I get murdered and then I'm dead. So whatever. The crime rates? Like the crime rates or like the property taxes. Have you seen the property taxes? No, because I'm young and I don't own property yet.

Have you seen how bad the schools are? No, I'm a child myself. You know, you can't even get, you don't even have a, like a basement or you don't even have a this or that. I don't need any of that. I the fuck do I want any of that for? I don't need or want any of those things. I'm completely with you. I need a studio.

That's all I need. I just need a space. And I can understand I want a bedroom. And so fine. You want to have a separate place for your bed. But honestly, for the way I was living, I don't. If I could fit a little futon and have a bed and a couch or sometimes just hang on the bed, I just have my TV. I don't need all that.

It would be the only reason I need a bedroom. And I have. I have a two bedroom. People have seen my apartment. But the like the only thing is like for status so I don't say I live in a studio. Absolutely. I could absolutely no problem live in a studio. And that's part of it too is older people care about status

and neighborhoods and all that shit. Young people don't. Young people literally just need a roof over their head. It's like when you get together and you get a beach house and you throw all your money together and you're like, we legit just need four walls and a roof. Except when you're young and you're in New York City, you're living that year round. And if that's not for you, that fine I think that's you know like somebody tweeted me and said I'm 23 I don't like any of that stuff

I just like restaurants like I have a couple nice restaurants in my neighborhood I have a few beers a night when I go out and I go home to like this nice house

that I like and I'm cool with that I'm like okay to each their own I would just say when you're 23 maybe give it a whirl

and try out the city because there's a reason it's one of those if like if all your friends are doing something, would you do it? It's like, yeah, because it's probably pretty cool. It's probably pretty enjoyable. So I say when you're young and you don't care about any of those things and you don't need to have a big or fancy or nice place, you just need like a bed to bang on, a couch to hang out on, and a roof to protect you because most of the time you're out all hours of the day or at work. So that's what you need. And then when you get to be older and you hangover start to set

in, so you're not going out as much anymore. You get a girlfriend, you need to have space for her or a boyfriend. You have a kid and a dog, all that shit. As your responsibilities and desires change, you then say, this place is crazy to live here. We're getting the fuck out. But that's as you get older. What I don't understand is young people have not yet been old. So they have no idea how to relate when someone's like, I couldn't, I can't fathom flushing that money down the toilet because I need to be investing in something. Young people are like, Oh, I never even thought about investing in something. What are you talking about? You know? Okay. I'll take your word for it. Young people are like, oh, I never even thought about investing in something. What are you talking about? You know,

okay, I'll take your word for it. Old people though have been young before. So when a young person says like, oh, I don't, I don't care about all those things. I'm just trying to get laid and party. And,

and I, I want to like, um, I want to become a standup comic. So I want to get on at the comedy seller. So that's why I live here and I pay crazy, you know? And,

and old people are like, oh no, I could never. It's like, yes, you could, but you could never. You did. You did 15. Do you know? And old people are like, oh, no, I could never. It's like, yes, you could. You could never. You did. You did 15.

Do you forget? Were you never fun? Were you never fun? Did you never sacrifice luxury for fun? Like, you know, you did that when you were younger, right? And if you didn't, you're just lame. But the people who did, who now, like, can't possibly understand it, I would never do that.

Like, well, either you're lame or you're just, like, blocking out what you used to do and how you used to do it. Because that's what it's all about. It is. I mean, like, you know, it's, you leave wherever the fuck you want, all that shit. But I'm one of the few people, I think, at Barstool, at least the people who, like, openly say it,

of the original crew, kind of deal original crew, people who moved here. I like it here. We talk about that a lot. I very much like it here. I actually responded to Hank at one point because Hank said to you, Hank's main complaint seemed to be expensive. I didn't see it.

It was something along the lines of, I forget. I know the final sentence was, it's so GD expensive. Right. And it is But if you grew up in the northeast know it isn't That's what I also said about like Boston

Is very similar right I think Boston is the third most expensive I replied to Hank I said Look I truly Did not notice a difference In pricing In cost when I moved here from New York When I moved here from Boston And a couple couple of people got on me with being like,

we grew up rich. I, I, that I didn't, first of all, but second of all, the, like when I started working at Barstow,

I lived on my own. Yeah. Like I wasn't getting money. I, I think when we moved, I think I made 50 grand before we moved here. I think I made, I made 60 grand when we moved here.

Right. Something along those lines. Maybe it was 60 to 70, but it was in that realm. And like, it was all, everything I lived in, everything I did, I paid for with my own money. And my apartment, my rent went down when I came here. I moved into a slightly less apartment, a slightly less nice apartment, but my rent did go down by like 400 bucks when I moved here. And then-

That's crazy. Yeah. So it was like, I didn't notice a huge shift when i go out a beer costs what nine dollars or eight dollars like it's it's very you're right it's expensive but if you grew up in the northeast it is just life it's just what it is and i also would argue that boston while equally probably as fun and similar in some ways like at least if you're paying those prices you live in new y, like the big city where there's Wall Street and Broadway and the outer boroughs and like financial capitals and entertainment capitals. Like, if you're going to pay all that in Boston and you're just in like relatively those small neighborhoods, right?

Where it's like at least there's the – like I said, a lot of people live in New York because like you're going to make a ton of money. You're going to, you going to have an important job, fuck a ton of people, and go out to all these amazing places. And someone was like, well, not really. The majority of people don't achieve all that. It's like, yeah, you're right, but you try to. So you have the chance to like,

I'm going to be a comic or an actress or a singer or an iBanker. I'm going to trade on Wall Street and I'm going to make all that money and I'm going to go try to find the really hot girls or guys and fuck them. If you want to live in fucking nowhere and fuck ugly people your whole life, be my guest. I don't give a shit.

You want to come to a city with some bounce? Don't tell me that there's no difference because Kansas City doesn't have the bounce. You want to come find a little bounce, baby? Missouri don't tell me that there's no difference because Kansas City doesn't have the bounce. You won't come find no bounce, baby. Missouri don't have the bounce. Kansas doesn't have the bounce. Minnesota don't have the bounce.

You step off the train station and, Ben, you go, this place got bounce. People like to talk about the city buzzing. No, no, no. It's bouncing. Yeah, yeah. I moved here from Idaho, and I'm happy because there's bounce around. And what I also— You can tell the bounce.

The ladies know they have bounce. Oh, they walk with some bounce. Shoulders are back. Fucking bounce. Purse straps. Right between. Yep. Tits out.

No bra. Purse strap. Chest back. I'm in New York. Bounce. I'm not even arguing there's a bounce capital of the world. Probably L.A. Bounce capital of the world. Probably L.A. Bounce capital of the country.

Very fake, so they stay still. We're bouncing. Our titties are real. We're raw in New York. We got raw titties. Everyone around here is the heir to the O. Henry fortune. Sue Ellen Mischke, left and right. But, bro, that also is what bothers me.

It's a very common joke and accepted thing that we say stuff like, oh, she's a Boise 10 and a New York 3. Everybody knows that. So don't tell me it's the same because it's not because we always accept that there are more good-looking people here. You know for a fact that there are more clubs and bars and Michelin star restaurants and all this shit. So don't tell me, oh, I can get food and booze and sex in the city. Yes, you can do that literally anywhere. It's just bigger, better, and wilder and more memorable and a bigger experience in New York.

Yeah, in Montana, you are, I don't know why Montana is catching strays, but fucking deal with it. In Montana, you are, I don't know why Montana's catching strays, but fucking deal with it. In Montana, there are seven people there to piss off. I figure I got a good chance of surviving it. But, like, in Montana, yeah, there's a hot person there. Don't get me wrong. Right? But you're deep sea fishing.

Right. Okay? When you reel one in, it's hard. Absolutely. It's fucking grinding. You probably got to get your boys, got to help you out. Yeah, you're doing it fishing. Right. Okay? When you reel one in, it's like, it's hard. Absolutely. It's fucking grinding. You probably got to get your boys, got to help you out. Yeah, you're doing it for fucking five hours like the old man in the sea. Dude, in New York, this is a fish farm.

In New York, you're... We fucking... You're doing it with a net. We bring it... We fucking have the salmon shoots. Yeah. I was fucking like... One might hit you in the head.

Literally, when you're not even trying to catch fish, sometimes you catch them. I was just going to go out and have a beer at happy hour. I ended up catching a fish with some bounce. That's what happens in New York. And it doesn't mean that you're like, I'm VIP every night at the club, and every girl or guy I fuck is a 10, and then I wake up in the morning and I go to my $500,000 a year job when I'm doing pure Colombian cocaine. But you want to do all those things. want to be like jackie does right and and here you can kind of hopefully maybe

achieve it and you shoot for that and you end up somewhere in the middle and it's a good time for 10 years and then when you have the wife and the kid and the dog and you need the uh the space you go but when people are like i can get that anywhere no you fucking can't there's a reason why places like parcel sports come to new york and they're, well, let's just settle in Austin. They don't fucking do it. That was another thing. Two people. Oh, wait till he finds out that there's a nightlife scene in Austin and Miami. Oh, yeah, because you're going to find real good fucking

prices in Austin and Miami. And it's not just New York, but it is San Francisco, and it is those places. It is the Miamis. They're all big cities that are going to be... And yeah, Miami has the beach and shit, so there are nicer things. and in the same way we generalize about the Midwest where somebody said like yeah people in the Midwest tell me like they can get everything they needed the same thing in New York and the closest restaurant to them is a TGI Friday's 50 miles away and you know of course

someone someone's like good good baked potato wings uh potato skins they were like oh you guys really think that this is the entire Midwest? And it's like, no, we're generalizing the same way that you say that New York, all of New York,

is a hellhole. When it's like, I could show you a fucking Central Park West beautiful apartment overlooking, you know, with a great view.

You know what I mean? It's like, no, you're generalizing, we're generalizing. I live here, so I defend it. You live there, so you defend it.

I don't even defend it. This is my final argument with it. It's like, you know how much I hate it here. I point it you live there so you defend it I don't even defend it I talk shit this is my final argument with it it's like you know how much I hate it here I point out all the bad stuff I've almost educated most people on how bad it is here

and I stayed here I picked here because all of the awesome shit when you're that age and you don't care about it it outweighs that and then when you get then you get the fuck out

what's what's so hard to understand and then that's where it's like you gotta admit if you're in the northwest or you're even just like a jersey guy or even sometimes boston or whatever you're chirping and upset and throwing rocks at new york because there's some sort of envy going on there and i don't even know why because you're right all of these things should spell out like why do people flock here but they fucking do why does Why does Jordan and Kobe and everybody and LeBron play their best at MSG? I don't know. They just do.

Why are all the pretty people come here? They just do. Why are all the headquarters and good jobs and high salaries here? It just is. And that doesn't mean they're the only places, but it's probably the biggest one. And so that's why you come here. Don't be so obtuse to be like, why would anyone go there? I can give you a thousand fucking reasons why.

And everywhere has its fucking perks. I can go anywhere. I could live in Indianapolis and have fun. Great time. I could live in Montana and fucking enjoy it. My parents live in the country, right? And I love going to their house. But when it hits 8 p.m., if it's not in the house, you're not doing it.

That's it. That sucks. I like to go out. And that's why you need your home to be big and spacious and cool and you have a fucking movie theater in it. Because you can't go anywhere. But in New York, I'm like, I'm going to get out of this shoebox and there's a bar two feet away and there's a fucking comedy club 10 feet away and there's a park right there and there's this right there like i don't know they get downstairs if i want to get anything in the house i don't have to be like all right we got six goldfish left right i gotta cook and our hershey kiss you're like digging in the couches for yeah i mean that that's just I take for granted when I live in New York

How much you just walk outside And you're just Like everything's there You know That's why you live there But just the main thing that drove me crazy Is the old people being like Me

I prefer a garage from like my minivan That fits my minivan It's like Do you hear yourself? You sound so fucking lame Oh me I prefer having my teacher's kids Walk them around on leashes.

Most things I'd ever get in the city. When they have the little walk-around packs. They're all holding a fucking... So cute. All the kids holding a hoop. Yeah. And I'm like, you're taking them to the subway? Oh, their parents should have moved to Montana.

Yes. Children should not be here. That I agree with you on. It's like one teacher with 12 kids. Put them all on a rope. Everyone hold on to the rope. What if the unthinkable happens

and one of these kids doesn't follow instructions? What happens then? How could that ever possibly happen here? But I will say too with New York, I do think it motivates you like there is a you look around remember i think you said when you when you first moved here i remember you saying like you were walking in the street and there was like 10 male models just on your way

to work you were like oh fuck i'm pretty ugly yeah and you hit the gym you buy some clothes or you really try or think so or you know when you are trying be, when you are trying to make it in stand-up comedy, everybody comes here to cut their teeth because it's the best of the best. And there are the trading floors and this and that. So you are, you know, there is, because you have to make that money to live here. Like, if you need to,

you might have to fucking sell your farts. You might have to jar your farts to make it in the big city. Shout out to Stephanie Mata, fart girl, who has been, uh, just she was a, she was a candle. No, she was, she was what? She, she burned uh, fuck. What is it?

You burn twice as hot, half as long. Yeah. She was a, she was a lightning in a bottle. A lightning fart in a bottle. I gotta take my smudges off for this lady. Wow. You just going bare chest? No, no, no. Oh, you're just gonna get hot and bothered. It was hot. Oh, okay. I to take my dick out All right, chest out

So Stephanie Bro, what kind of vibes do I give off That people think I would just do that? You were about to I mean I don't know, bro Sometimes things happen Where it's like, really?

What kind of person do you think I am? You thought I'm a girl who farts I was like, I got gotta get my nipples out She's the guy in that I was wearing a sweatshirt with no t-shirt on my you So lunatic you always say that I never put a t-shirt on my hoodie really Make I make comfortable hoodies what yes, none of you have fucking t-shirts under your sweatshirts? It gets so bunched up.

What happens if you get a little warm doing a podcast? Yeah, I usually just sit here and sweat. But not as hot because I don't have a shirt underneath me. I mean, don't get me wrong. This thing's not fucking microwaving me. You're in a car, Hart. That's tough. Can you fit your purse over it?

Come on. Yesterday, John was leaving the studio, and he flat 100% real goes, does anyone see my purse? I was like, oh my god. Man, it's a purse. But Stephanie Mata said, I don't know if there's a way to confirm it or not, but she said she was making

$50,000 a month. No, a week. A week? A week. Yep. Selling farts. I believe the Chicago Boys had her on their podcast. Oh, really? I think so. Like post this?

No, like this week, last week? No? Did I make that up? No, I think there was Hard Factor. Oh, okay. Okay, yes, you're right. You're right. So check out Hard Factor, Pat, and those guys.

They had Stephanie on. But she since has our Cinderella's Clockstruck Midnight on this one. She puts them in things, if you're watching on YouTube, that look kind of like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. The fart jars are cute. It's very nice. Yeah.

It's a very nice little Etsy product. Jackie's so appalled by this whole thing. Watch her face when we do this segment. All of it looks like she's farting. And she was making all this money. And we see the headlines today. She has retired from the fartrepreneur game, as she calls it,

because she had a fart attack. She had a fart attack. She had a heart attack fart attack. Well, here's what happened. She said she was having heart attack symptoms. She was afraid she was having a heart attack. She went to the hospital where they told her you just have pain inducing gas which we've all had oh yeah oh have you ever had like bad gas

like i've had dangerous i've had gas that it felt like a knife was getting shot and people people think oh you have it in your ass okay like right in my hole because i was you know what i'm talking about no because i was gas pain like fucking right up the ass gas pain? The up the ass gas pain? Like fucking – Nick knows? Right up the ass. Up the ass. Dude, it felt like – I don't know if I thought I had cancer. I was just like – I'm like, this is –

I'm going to die. It's the worst when you've got to go about your day, and it feels like that dude from Seven is fucking you, and you're like – And you can't just fart it out? You can't fart it out, man. Because I was about to say, when people talk about gas, it's almost like this, like, ooh.

He's talking about tooting. He's talking about farting say, when people talk about gas, it's almost like this, like, ooh. He's talking about tooting. He's talking about farting. I think when I get gas, it's almost like my chest, like it's here. It just means like big fucking air bubbles in your body. I know a guy who had like severe pain and went and got like x-rays and scans. And they were like, you can see the air bubble like in your stomach. And you just got to like break that up and pass it along. That's what I was wondering.

You just give him a little tracheotomy in his stomach. Just start stinking in the room. I haven't had the up-the-ass gas pain. I've had the chest pain. But the doctors were like, you're not having a heart attack. You have pain-inducing gas. Because you're eating unlimited amounts of eggs and beans and drinking protein shakes to cultivate the farts,

which do you even need to do? Couldn't you just be like, yeah, I farted in this one. Like, I don't know. Oh, you got to have a stink in there,

but what, what could you got to have a good, she like air. So if I'm buying a fart, but couldn't you just be like, I want a stink bomb. I want one of those fucking things. Like I want to walk in. I want to walk into the room like a fucking Batman villain.

Pow! Remember those things, man? Those stink bombs are bad. Dude, those stink bombs, they smell like farts. They smell like dead fucking rotten flesh. One of the few times as a kid I was beaten. For a stink bomb. Was a stink bomb.

Yeah, my aunt kicked the shit out of me. Yeah, that's not a funny prank, man. It was disgusting. It was at a rental house, and the owners were coming. We were packing up, and I was like, psh. not a funny prank, man. It was like it was at a rental house and the owners were coming home. We were like packing up and I was like and it was like. Yo, that that.

So so she had to retire from the game. I mean, I guess. Yeah. Like she committed to her craft. She did real farts. She almost killed

herself trying to make sure that they were stanky. She sells them for whatever eggs, a lot of eggs, a lot of eggs, beans and protein shakes Right

I mean those are gonna be farts That's gonna fuck you up Those are gonna be some stank farts They're gonna be hot Like when you open it up The temperature of the room changes The temperature, absolutely Like you could watch the thermostat

Tick up a couple degrees Yeah, you turn the heat off that day When you get mailed Fucking one of Steph's farts You turn the heat off that day You save a couple bucks You use that as those Those little like

You break them And they're like little hand warmers You're cold up there on the ski slopes. You just open up Steph's farts into your glove. Just a nice egg and pinto. What I loved about it, too, is that she fucking, like, she posted the picture. Like, she's a wide receiver, just tore her ACL. Oh, yeah, she was.

Slumped in the hospital. Like, don't worry, I'm on the comeback. And again. All part of God's plan. My setback for me to come back in. But like, what's funny is it's not a heart attack. She had heart attack symptoms because she's got a fart. Right.

It is truly a fart attack. So like everyone, you know, she's sprawled out like I just had a heart attack. No, you didn't. You just got to get bigger farts out, man. You've got too many farts. What I wanna know is if I could ask her one question, how many times she shit in the jar?

Like, by accident? Yeah. How many times... Man, that's an awful question. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm curious, but like, boy, that is a heinous question. How many times do you dump on the jar? Are you farting over toilets? Where she's like, oh, no! How many times you don't miss question how many times you dump on the job are you farting over toilet where she's like oh no how many times are there poop particles in the jar were you like I can't mail this I'm sprayed shit in your extra hey but you get a note that just

says like if you'll notice there's been an extra $5 charge to your credit card because you got lucky poop disgusting looking guys are disgusting. Looking like pig pen taking a urine test. That's a deep cut from out cold. Yeah. I don't kink shame. I'm going to kink shame. I'm going to kink shame here. If you buy farts in a jar, I think that's beyond kinky.

Like if you want to fart in bed, if you're like fart on my face, I want to smell your farts. Not for me. I think it's gross, but I'm not going to kink shame. If you are outside of the bedroom, clear head, clear eyes, full farts, can't lose. Like, I'm going to put my credit card down and you're going to send me a fart jar. That's disgusting. Because you know what probably happens?

How many times, think about how many times guys are horned up and they're like, I want a fart jar. And then they come that night. They go to sleep. They forget about it. And in three days, when you're dealing with your kids or some shit or work problems, a fart jar shows up. You're like, oh, my God. That thing's fucking sitting on the porch with a fucking Amazon pirate when you need one.

Yeah. I got Stephanie's fucking fart jar. And now do the perverts. Yeah. I got Stephanie's fucking fart jar. And now, do the perverts. Yeah. I'll call you a pervert. I don't care. Yeah,

those guys are perverts. Do the perverts, they sniff the fart? Definitely. Or they save the fart? Well, they save it to the right time.

You save the fart so their fart is a rock. You think they fucking come in the jar and mix the fart with the cum? I think they probably smell the fart and then cum on it. And then cum right away. But then you get the fart with the cum I think they probably Smell the fart

And then cum on it And then cum right away But then you get down there I No I think it's like You just get a good whiff And then it's gone And then you're like

But I will cherish this jar And cum in it I think I mean it's a one time thing What I think And what she should be doing She should sell coke with it You should fart

And put cocaine In You should become a drug dealer And then you could do some fart coke. And then you get some... First of all, you can charge way better prices. You can sell shitty coke, because these guys are buying it for the fart,

not for the coke. Not for the product. And they actually have something to do with it. The coke here sounds like the french fries. That sounds like the add-in. I just wanted the burger. Yeah, but that's what I mean. You gave me three quarters of a plate of fries. You sell shitty the add-in. I just wanted the burger. You gave me three-quarters of a plate of fries. You sell shitty, stepped-on cocaine

that holds the fart smell so they get their money's worth of the fart. They can do something with the product with the fart. You can sell it as a drug. You can become a drug kingpin. Just saying, Jackie. I was thinking if she this could be a ploy to really hype awareness because i'm not a fart boy and you don't fart or you don't like farts i don't like farts we're on the record

we don't like the fart humor we don't do farts with our girlfriend yeah but i but like i i it's i'm not i'm not gonna run out of the house crying about it not like i'm not gonna fart into the toilet bowl like charlemagne does. But if you're like fucking, you're like, here comes a big one. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? But if Stephanie were to come out of retirement, I'd see what it's all about. For free or you'd pay? I'll pay.

I mean, I'm not going to pay some exorbitant fee. I have to pay New York rent. Because, I mean, she'll be fine in like, she'll be fine in, like, a couple days and she'll hear about this and she'll give you a fart. I'll fucking sniff it, fart jar. You'll pay for it. I will pay for it.

I don't know what her fees are. Like, she's making $50K a month. I don't know how many farts she's doing into a jar. She's making $50K a week. $50K a week, I meant. Sorry. She's making $50K a week.

So that sounds like... Also, if I were her, I would be like, this jar is $12 because you got, like, a middle-of-the-day fart, but,12 because you got like a middle of the day fart. But like you got an a.m. fart. You got an early morning wet one.

That's like 18 bucks. That's $26. Or like I let this fart rip on Valentine's Day. That one's $100. Scale that shit up, babe. She's fucking tying the tops of the jars. Like, you know, on holidays, they give you like, here's a jar of, I don't know,

some shit and it's a nice little ribbon on it. Yeah. She's doing that with the thong she was wearing when she farted. See, we could take these people to the top, you know? Yeah. It's like you started as a fartrepreneur. We turned you into a fart empire.

Okay? I had the question. I posed this to Jackie and I'll ask you this. Would you rather be... What happened? I keep hitting my... I got a weird... Funny bone? Yeah, elbow thing happening. I also looked at this girl.

She's attractive enough. She's attractive, yeah. And she's already posing provocatively, kind of with her tits out and stuff. Why not just have an NC-17 type of OnlyFans and make money that way? How about this? Word for word, I was saying this. You have already disgraced your family. You're already a disgrace to your family.

Just do that. And this guy is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the record. Disgrace to the family? I was like, yeah. You're known as the public fart jar queen? That's a disgrace to the family. I think she's an. You're known as the public fart jar queen? That's a disgrace to the family. I think she's an innovator. She's a fart-repreneur.

See, you're on... Okay, you want to be with him? Okay, good. You go with him. You can be with the fart-repreneur and John, who almost took his nipples out for this whole segment. You know what I mean? So this was my question. There was a couple parts to it. It was like, what did I say, Jackie?

Would you rather just be like OnlyFans whore or you are – no, there was two levels. Okay, there's two different questions. One, would you rather be – was it the fart girl? You do it. But you don't actually do it. But everybody knows you as that. Or you do it. Or.

Or just the whore, right? No, or you're just like a normal whore. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Like a normal. Like a normal prostitute. You're an OnlyFans hooker. No.

You fuck on OnlyFans. You do all the OnlyFans shit. Okay. Or you don't actually fart into the jars. You sell them. You're just the face of it. But people think you are. So when your family gets

mad at you they're like jack you're selling farts and you're like no dad listen i just sell these empty jars yeah i make 50k a week i just have to be known as the fart girl but everyone does know you as the fart entrepreneur so you have disgraced the family name by being the fart girl but those who know you closely are like yo my girl is actually just hustling she's selling nothing for free or she's just selling nothing for thousands and thousands of dollars. But you will have that reputation of being the fart girl. Or you're just an

X-rated OnlyFans sex worker. I think absolutely the fart one. I will be the fucking, the mama prego of some Italian sauce company while Steve Griffin runs the whole thing and shit like that because this comes down to like things like uh it's like an ati question where

it's like for 50 grand a week would you would you walk around being known as like the person who farts i think you'd say yes yeah but also you said that here's the here's the kicker for me is you said that your people your circle was like no she doesn't actually do it dude right you know that person's not getting recognized walking down the street you're not a tiktok star it's not like it's not like everyone you're walking into stores we're like that the fart girl right like if stephanie motto had walked in here i wouldn't know her for me i do that there's a bigger uh point to be made there when when people think that their like life is ruined because they went viral it's like maybe the people in your neighborhood like might maybe possibly recognize you but that's it yeah and

maybe someone would point it out in in a bad moment or something but it's not like every day is like you're a fucking scarlet letter unless you like the island boys and you fuck yeah you're very recognized right I wouldn't know shit about she sounds like she's walking down the street with it tattooed on her chest but like if you wanted to if you wanted to just sell empty jars of regular air and you could tell your dad when he flips out, like, no,

no, no, I'm actually a great business woman. I think you'd take that. And I would want every daughter to take that too. I, but I also think that you need to have this to become an only, that looks like Jackie recording a podcast.

It does. That looks like, Oh, now it's getting tweeted. The picture. Cause you look like that. It's ser. It does. That looks like Jackie. Oh, now it's getting tweeted. The picture. No. Because you look like that. It's serendipity.

I look like that's a good. That's a great comparison. Jackie looked like Stephen Hawking the other day, and I had to take a picture of it, but she made me not tweet it out. But now my arm. Now. Trust my arm. That's like cute sleeping.

That one, I look like Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but Stephen Hawking is kind of cute. People are like, oh, Stephen Hawking. He's dead now. Don't worry. I am tweeting that out there now. Sorry. I think you need the fart to have an OnlyFans now.

I think farts you need. OnlyFans can become like podcasts. You got to have a hook. I agree. I agree. Or, I mean, you got to be banging. Yeah, but even banging. I bet there are 10,000 hot girls, 10 billion hot girls.

Yeah, but if Julia Fox had an OnlyFans right now, he would cut through the clutter. But her hook is she's famous. Yeah, but even banging. I bet there are 10,000 hot girls, 10 billion hot girls. Yeah, but if Julia Fox had an OnlyFans right now, he would cut through the clutter. But her hook is she's famous. Yeah, true, true. So if you're a nobody coming into the game, you've got to be Far Girl. She's pretty cute, man. She is. She's handsome. Just add sex.

She's a handsome woman. That's a weird thing to say. I have another OnlyFans, another ATI for you. Okay. Would you rather your daughter be a well-adjusted, contributing member of society, good job, good friends, nice person, maybe even has a boyfriend, like just good, you know, on her own,

you really raised her well, but she is just a filthy fucking whore in bed. Does it all. Adriana Cechik shit, right? Or... Wait, this is just what she she's had this is her sexual preferences yes okay she just fucks but you know it it's like for whatever reason it's out there you know okay people know it so they like they you know they're like hey oh that's you know that's your daughter oh i've heard about her maybe they don't say it but it just whispers everyone knows that your daughter is like every hole's open for business everything's happening right or she is like a skill like you

got to pay for her she has no money no job she's maladjusted she's not fun to be around but she's just like a nun in the bedroom i I like when we get into these segments, the psyche of a father. Things I think about. Things I just sit here going. I'm the Alonzo morning. I'll just sit in my house thinking of these things, and the whole time I'm like. I'm kombucha girl. I'm Alonzo.

I'm just thinking of all the different sides of it. As I sit here, in personal preference, because it's my opinion because i'm saying it uh i would i would go uh happy healthy living member of society i think you got it just sucks it's just like like i i think i think that's kind of uh a thing that like is almost a movie thing too where you're saying like but people are going viral and shit like that i think if if you find out your daughter has a healthy sex life you just be like happy uh uh i don't yeah sure but i think i what i was referring to more were like people coming up to you oh yeah that'd be psychotic yeah yeah for this sake our ati question yes it's like for some reason hey rick how's your daughter getting fucked i don't know what the hell dude it's almost more yourself like forget

about them you're right That wouldn't happen. You yourself, let's just say, for some reason, you just walk in and catch her every time they're talking. Every time it's something new. God! How about this? This is kind of

possible. You go to her apartment and you see a sex swing and huge fucking sex toys and a strap on and like and you're helping her like like she's moving or something and like two fucking jack dudes walk out of the bedroom in the morning like hey mr smith and it's like what the fuck stephanie so i forget i was coming and now and now you just know it about it but she's like oh yeah yeah, like you're helping me move into my brand new Central Park West

apartment because I made partner. And also we got to stop off at like the charity that I run. But it's like, boy, maybe you could lose a little bit of that stuff and like not do double anal. Yeah, I mean, it's like every kid does something. I mean, that's what it comes down to, John. You want your daughter doing double anal?

I don't know. Every kid is going to do something their parents don't want them to do. Yeah. So, like, I don't know. But does it have to be two dicks in your butt? I don't want them to do. I'd rather them do that than crack. Double anal over crack?

Definitively. Yes. What about double anal over farts? Fart girl. Fart girl's funny. I don't really, like, fart girl's funny, we can make jokes about that I'd be more comfortable Cause you like to make jokes about your friends

And children's professions and stuff like that And talk about their day at work I'd be more comfortable, well no, she's not a professional So yeah, this is I think I'd rather, I mean, I don't want to talk about this anymore It's funny, like while I doing this, I'm picturing just a blob. I know. But you know what? I am too.

What happened right there is what came into my mind. Once it became real, I was like, next topic. While we're on the topic of women here, we don't have many ads today, so we can just keep this rolling. I have an interesting debate. Blatman hit me with this. He and his family and friends are debating this.

I think it's a good one. Who are, right now, alive, the three most famous women on the planet? Who do you think? Michelle Obama. That was Blatman's far and away number one, he said. I disagree. An Asian person I don't know about. See, I think if you didn't even know it, it won't be.

It won't be. But even if I don't know about it, we're cleaning up a couple billion already. Yeah, but there's 8 billion. You're going to get 1 or 2 billion from the Asians. There's a lot of other people out there. Yeah, but I think... If it's a name you don't know, the whole Western world's not going to know. There's a question.

What number gets you to, like, that – like, what percentage of the Earth knows about you to get you into that realm? Yeah, I mean – Because I think it's sub a billion. No, I think it's above a billion. You think it's above a billion? Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right.

One out of eight. Like, one out of eight billion. I think it's got to be – I guess, I mean, if you break it down, one out of every eight people. Like, if you had a room full of eight people from all over and you asked them and like none of them knew that person, I would probably be like you're not that famous. Yeah. One out of eight. You're right.

One out of eight. You have to get one out of eight. But it's so hard to do these questions too with just like you've got the East Coast bias, the United States bias. Big time. But I think there's more of a bias for men than women. I think women is easier than men. Because men, you've got to throw in the soccer and shit. It's very hard.

I was going to say, I think there's some fucking, I couldn't even tell you, like some Blackpink. It's like one of those fucking K-pop bands that are massive. See, but I don't know, though. Right? I think Blackpink is a female K-pop band. That's the only female I know. BTS is the male one I know.

But I don't know if... You might be like, people love this K-pop band, but like... Blackout? Did it say Blackout Tits? What does that say? LBT.

And then I would put a Western pop star in there. I think one of these people are going to be one of the answers. My list was Oprah. Oprah's probably up there. Which I also doubled down on after I asked Brianna. But Oprah, that number's ticking down. Well, but I asked Brianna that Because I was afraid That the youngs wouldn't know

The youths And she said that Drake and Josh Did something with Oprah That like reopened it To young people But I don't I mean

So the American youths Again We only got what 400 million here Yeah So if we're going worldwide I'm focusing more on Europe I don't think mostly

Like Europe youths Know Oprah I feel like Oprah's up there bro Yeah I do. She's the only female black billionaire. I guess she just did Harry and Meghan. Yeah. But even that,

how much does Europe care about fucking Oprah? Oprah is global, dog. She was a billionaire. A female black billionaire when billionaires weren't even a thing yet. Now billionaires are like a dime a dozen. I did Oprah. I thought about Michelle Obama. I think Michelle Obama is super

she's certainly in the conversation I'm not saying she's not in it but I think if you ask some of the youths asking them who was the first lady two presidents ago you might not get that but they're still cool they are

I'm going to say like top five. I don't know about top three, though. So I said Oprah. I said the Queen of England. Yeah, that's probably a good one. Right? And then this one, I don't think people are agreeing with me on, but I'm going to stake my claim that I think this is the most popular.

She might be the most, is J.Lo. J.Lo? I think she's got young and old. I think she is the most popular. She might be the most is JLo. JLo. I think she's got young and old. I think she's got international. Probably. She's very American while I think being almost more international with like the Hispanics in South America. She does movies.

She's singing. She's does the voice and TV and all that shit. American Idol. I mean, she is she can get you from every fucking angle because we did start to think about the Western pop stars and I was saying Beyonce or... I would have had Gaga in there. You think though? The question was recognizable?

Well, it was just most famous which we then kind of said by name or by picture. I think Gaga by name. I think Gaga just has so many looks. By picture it becomes hard. But I think Gaga by name. It's a unique name. She does the movies. She does the TV shows. She does the award shows.

But how would you do it then? Like, if it's not recognizable by face, if you just asked anyone in the world, like, name a female pop star, you think the first one would be a pop star? Je ne sais Lady Gaga? That's how do you say? I'm having crazy deja vu right now. Do you know Lady Gaga? That's how you say it, in an accent.

Wait, didn't this happen? What? Isn't there a story about... I'm having wild deja vu where I think there was like a story about... I'm going to find this later, but I'm having like a scary deja vu thing. Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to derail you, but that was... I was just talking in a French accent.

I wasn't doing anything great. I was out by that. You didn't interrupt me. You saved me on that one. Brianna's answer was Oprah. Hang on. I'm sticking with Michelle. I'm throwing Gaga.

And I'm going to put... I know it's crazy that I don't know their name. But I'm going to put a K-pop singer who I don't know. The most famous K-pop singer in the world. She said Oprah, Beyonce, Britney Spears. Britney? Britney, when she was thriving, had Michael Jackson fame. So I think you can throw that out there.

And now with Free Britney, she might have some of current fame. But I don't know how much so. Beyonce, I think, is certainly up there. But I would pick JLo over Beyonce when it comes to the stars. And then Michelle Obama is kind of the X factor where I could certainly see it. But I also could see like if I showed that picture to like a 13-year-old girl, she'd be like, I don't know. If I was like, oh, that's the president's wife like 13 year old girl she'd be like i don't know and i was if i was like oh that's the president's wife like two times ago she'd be like okay this is

they are different they are different like administrations so people would would know more but um oh i mean people are ashes and then so then so kim k was my initial like number one right and then i kind of talked myself off of it but i I think I'm now talking myself back into it because it's also just like the sex appeal. I always think of like my dad, you know, like when my dad knows who this person is and just being like, that's a hot ass bitch. You're going to get a lot of guys who know that. You're going to get the girls who just know it because that's their world. If we're doing the queen, oh, good one to throw in there is Meghan Markle. Yeah.

Because you know what Meghan Markle does that other people don't do? Even the queen doesn't really do. She's a fucking shady bitch who like stirs up the pot I was gonna say pisses off white men they'll know you cause they fucking hate you like the whole midwest is like what that black lady do fuck her fuck that lady what are you talking about

she got mad the queen was racist I didn't think about the hate thing. That is true. It's like most famous doesn't mean most beloved. It just means I got to know who you are. And Kim Kardashian has the infamy. She has the notoriety.

There's a lot of people who might have like the she shouldn't be famous, but that means she's famous. She doesn't deserve it, but I know who you are. Because Meghan Markle has Europe just by being her. Has a lot of America. I don't know what South America's care or concern with the royal family is. I can see Asians being like, they don't even allow that on television. Rich white people shit? Yeah, we don't give a fuck.

We have a dictator who runs our country. We are fucking busy. We're busy, like, fighting for Venezuelan police, dude. I don't give a fuck. You know what's really wild, though, Wade? If you could show this to, like, countries in the third world. Oh, my God.

What do they do for fun? Like, they argue about famous white people. Like, oh, that's cool. I'm going to walk seven miles to a well to try and get some water for my fucking kids. What do you do for entertainment?

We don't have a word for that in our country. What the fuck is entertainment? We play survival. Is that what you mean? We play survival. Is that what you mean? We play live. We play food, water, and shelter. That's what we play here. When it comes to Kim...

I train pigeons to release when the president is coming to the barillas to kill everybody. To hide or run. That's called the barillas to kill everybody. To hide or run. It's called the barillas, yeah. No, you're thinking of the favelas. Favelas. Favelas.

Yes, yes, yes. Kim is actually like eighth or ninth or some shit on Instagram as far as followers go. If you're talking about. She's only 200 million. Yeah. If you're talking about the most Instagram followers Yeah. If you're talking about the most Instagram followers from that crew, it's Kylie. Kylie has the most. She has like 280 or some shit.

297. Look at that. Ariana, 287. Yeah, look at that. Selena Gomez having more than Kim blows my mind all the time. I think that there is a... So then I also asked the question... Oh, T-Swizzy. T-Swizzy's got... Nah, the... T-Swizzy's, again, Venezuela's like, the who?

Yeah. The whites killing it. The rest of the world is like, who is that skinny white girl? Yeah. So then I flipped the question. Shake it off. Shake it off. Yeah, no, fuck that.

You just want to do a little karaoke there? I want to get the nips involved. You know how it is. Flip it to men. What do you think for men? I had – I think unfortunately – I think Flip it to men. What do you think for men? I had, I had, I think, unfortunately. I think social is skewed. So do I.

That's a test for that, by the way. Like, Kylie, Kylie is not in the conversation. Right. I said Trump, The Rock, and I think one of the footballers, either Messi or Ronaldo, whoever you think is more. I'd probably go Ronaldo there. Messi's just, like, not handsome enough. Ronaldo, whoever you think is more. I'd probably go Ronaldo there. Messi's just not handsome enough. Ronaldo's got a lot.

I think Messi loses a lot of the women. We almost recognize him in the world. People know Ronaldo's hot. If Messi came in here in jeans and a hoodie, I don't think I'd know him. He's very little. Yeah, if I see him in his fucking uniform, it's Messi. But do I actually recognize him? No.

You probably could throw Obama in there. Like, he's a big one. Also, what is interesting... Who's the president of Mexico? Baran Seco? Baran Salso? He's a billionaire or some shit, right? Yeah, but he just keeps ending up in the hospital.

I only recognize him in the hospital. So, wait a minute. Maybe... What about... So, he's in the hospital? Bro, motherfuckers in the hospital all the time. It's, uh time It's uh It's

No, that's in Mexico, I meant Brazil, sorry Um It is He's just always like this This dude looks like 90 What's his name? Balanzaro Balanzaro is fucking in the hospital Non-stop

Look at the selected pictures They're all different ones of him in the hospital They're all different non-stop. Yeah, look at that. Wait, wait, wait. Look at the selected pictures. This is just pictures. They're all different ones of him in the hospital. They're all different. This motherfucker has gotten COVID a hundred times.

They're all different. And they're bad. Look, he's being fed through a tube. Like, if our president was being fed through a tube, people would be like,

oh, no, shit. This guy's just out here doing Brazilian things. That's nuts. Motherfucker's in the hospital. Like, he's, oh, no, shit. This guy's just out here doing Brazilian things. That's nuts. Motherfucker's in the hospital. Like, he's, to me, he's... It's him. He's the most recognizable guy.

How about, though, maybe just go with the billionaires. If it was just Musk, Bezos, like Zuckerberg, those guys might be the most recognizable. What's everyone looking at? I would say... Those guys might be the most recognizable. What's everyone looking at? Oh. I would say... Those guys go global with their money. Yeah. I would put Musk as the number one there.

Musk, Gates, Bezos? Musk has more... Bezos is getting there. That seems to be his 2022 resolution. More celebrity factor. Yeah. Mr. Worldwide is going to be the fucking man, it looks like. He is.

He's getting hot. Gates also. Everyone in the developed world knows Gates, and then everyone in the undeveloped world knows Gates because he's kidnapping them and testing on them and doing eugenics and shit. And turning shit into water. Right. Like Fart Girl. Right.

Yeah. That's all that Bezos is. He's just Fart Boy. So tweet at us. Who do you think the top three most famous men and women? Also, I do got to give a shout out to Oprah because I think she's on a lot of the lists. And she is like a self-made woman. Like you're going to throw like Obama, Michelle Obama in there.

It's like you were the wife of Obama, you know. Even Kim K, she's her own star. But she's had Kanye and Famous Husbands, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Like Oprah's just like solo dolo. That's it. She's just Oprah. She made all her money thatZ. Oprah's just like solo dolo. That's it. She's just Oprah. She made all her money that way. She's a baller, too.

She is a fading star. You're right. She launched that own channel and it didn't work. But she's been a billionaire for a long time as a black woman when there wasn't even billionaires. People took the N-word to their faces. Hey, horrible. Not even behind their backs like polite people.word to their faces. Hey, horrible. Not even behind their backs, like polite people. Right to her face.

Oh, my God. How many times do you think someone's called Oprah the N-word to her face? Like not in business. Just saying it. Just where you're allowed to. That's a question. Now, let me tell you, that's an inquiry. How many times has she dealt with someone in a boardroom?

You just said it. Shut up, Edward. That guy did that recently. I'm not saying it. Why are you guys all recoiling? I'm not saying it. I'm wondering how many times... That guy recently did that in a small political thing recently. Did you see that?

It was a month or two ago. It was in a political town hall type setting in Georgia, where some old black man was that? It was like a month or two ago. It was in like a political town hall type setting in like Georgia, where some old white man was arguing. He was like, she doesn't count, though. Her vote doesn't count because she's... And it was just like, everyone was like, whoa, what the fuck was that? Yeah, this is it, right?

Oh, he was quoting the mayor or whatever, but it was like, whoa, buddy. I don't think we had to play it, but it was just like a casual, hardcore turn that shit up. All right, let's get into Am I the Asshole? Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by BetterHelp. If you are an asshole, get help. If people are constantly voting you the asshole in these situations

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That's BetterHelp.com slash KFC for 10% off your first month of mental health help. Am I the asshole? Okay. I think this is funny. Am I the asshole for peeing in the cat tray I'm gonna say the litter box cat tray these guys just fucking talk all silly over there

you know just a bunch of silly gooses but me 29 year old oh female that changes things significantly significantly 25 year old male 29 year old girl girl says we've

been dating for three years and have lived together for one of those we live in a small one-bedroom flat the one bedroom we live in a small one-bedroom flat that has one bathroom with our two cats i'm a diabetic and i'm on a number of medications one of them basically flushes sugar sugar straight through my system and can make me pee a lot I can go from not feeling like I need to pee to I need to pee in the next I can go from feeling like I don't need to pee

to if I don't need to pee in the next 20 minutes I'll pee myself it comes on suddenly sometimes my boyfriend has IBS and he can spend this couple my boyfriend has IBS and he can spend this couple. Okay, now this swings things the other direction because I know where this is going.

My boyfriend has IBS and can spend 40 minutes in the bathroom easily sometimes. This hasn't been a problem thus far, but today though, he had an IBS moment and after 40 minutes locked in the bathroom, I felt like I needed to pee. I figured he wouldn't be very long since he had been in there for 40 minutes. I knocked on the door and let him know I needed to pee and asked how long he'd be.

He said he'd be a few minutes. No problem. 20 minutes later, so he's been in there for 40 minutes. I knocked on the door and let him know I needed to pee and asked how long he'd be. He said he'd be a few minutes, no problem. 20 minutes later, so he's been in there now an hour, and I'm kind of doing the potty dance a little. I knock on the door again. He's going to be a few more minutes. I tell him I'm not going to be able to hold it much longer, and if he could just unlock the door, I'll just hop in the shower. He says he can't get off the toilet right now.

Fair enough. Another 15 minutes go by, and my bladder is starting to hurt. He hasn't flushed or anything yet. I figure, fuck it, my bladder hurts and I'm bursting. I figured the cats would forgive me. We have two litter trays, one in the bathroom and one in the nook in the corridor. I pop a squat over the litter tray in the corridor, have a tinkle, use a kitchen towel to wipe, and then I bag up the litter tray and completely refresh it.

He comes out another 10 minutes later and says the bathroom's free. I tell him it's all good. I'm fine. He gives me a funny look, and when I tell him what I did, he looks at me absolutely disgusted and says the bathroom's free. I tell him it's all good. I'm fine. He gives me a funny look and I tell when I tell him what I did, he looks at me absolutely disgusted and says that's revolting. I tell him I'd rather just refresh the litter tray, which takes seconds, than piss myself

and have to do a ton of washing. By the way, spelled ton, T-O-N-N-E. He hasn't spoken to me all evening and he says he can't believe I would do something so gross. I tried to tell him a number of times I really needed to go, and he said I should learn to hold it better. This dude's fucking a pussbag. Pussbag. Also, just a hypocritical asshole.

You can't be throwing stones about gross bathroom behavior when you were just on the bowl for an hour and 45. Bro, you just shit your guts out for an hour and a half to the point you couldn't fucking open a door. I have so much shit falling out of my ass right now I can't get off the toilet. It was a constant stream. You fucking animal. You couldn't leave for two seconds? There was that much poop coming out?

You fucking pig. Pig. Animal. A hog. That is a hog. I love it. But the fucking, if you're in a relationship where you got, I got a piss-itis and IBS. Break up. No, I would break up. At least got to have a two-bathroom joint.

Yeah, you got to plan better. But I would almost say this is too much. We can only have so much bathroom problems, and we need to go find partners who have strong bladders and strong assholes. It's just not an option. You got to get, like, fucking – you got to have at least two toilets. If one's just a bucket you dump out the window, fine. But you got to have two toilets like it's, like, fucking medieval times.

Like, just fucking dumping shit out a window. Whatever. You can put it down the sewage. How about this? Well, I guess, yeah, no, for a girl, I was about to say the sink. But I guess for a girl, a litter box would be easier than a sink. Probably. But here is my other question here.

Okay. Because she has some blame. You were in a one-bedroom apartment. Yeah. It stands to reason you're in a one bedroom apartment yeah it stands to reason you're in a city leave and go somewhere go take a piss

go take a piss there's gotta be a bar a restaurant like it's yeah but I would say if that let's assume that's an option

because maybe not but let's say it's an option I would think once you have once you've this guy fucked her by being like a few more minutes a few more minutes, a few more minutes.

So now she's not like, I got to pee. Now she's like, I got to fucking pee. And now you run the risk of like I'm out in the elevator or I'm in the hallway or I'm walking in the streets to find a place to pee and I really got to go. It's a Hail Mary. Yeah. And then you might – I would rather – if there's a chance I'm going to piss my pants I'm making sure I piss in private if I go out there and I piss my pants yeah you run the risk of like

a bride did you fart again he's been ripping ass yeah yesterday yesterday was me Nick and Jackie that's fine I believe that one was just the seat yesterday he was just fucking lounged up like this and he was just like it was like a fart it was jackie it was embarrassed and

he just went he went excuse me and i was like all right the kid what can you do but then he started giggling and poor jackie was just like this fucking dude do gay guys get more of a pass will they get with a fart if anything i would think it would go is it like, yeah, I get it I hate it here So does Jackie, though But it was like a cartoon fart It was like

I've been waking myself up with farts Oh, that's bad I was drinking protein shake before bed Wait, I'm like, what the fuck was that? And you're like, oh, it was me. It was a fart. That's Good Will Hunting shit. Remember she wakes the dog up and blends it on the dog?

Yeah, yeah. Wakes her stomach with farts. Hey, hey, get out of here. There's some critter in here. Scram, skedaddle. She's got cancer, you fucking asshole. But, okay, so this guy is an asshole for judging Bro, this guy's an asshole for caring about piss

You can fucking piss on me I don't give a shit Piss in a cup and put it in the fridge, I'll drink it Fuck if I care what happens with your piss, dude But you know what, we do run the risk of I'm with you You can pee on me I'm with you with the pee. Thank you. You can pee on me. Thank you. You got a little silent in here.

I'm with you with the pee. We can do pee play all you want. Whatever. But we both – The pro pee play podcast. We are. We are pro pee play. The pee pee pee pee.

The pro pee play podcast. But we have – we're both on the record. We don't do the bathroom thing. Don't do the bathroom thing. So if I was – if let's say I. Which shows you, which will show you how benign pee is. Right. We don't do bathroom stuff and we don't give a fuck about pee.

But what if I'm, but I'm shitting in the bathroom. That's bathroom stuff. If she's got a, if I'm in the bathroom, let's say brushing my teeth and for some reason you come in and pee on me, okay. But if I'm in the bathroom taking a shit, I don't want you in, you know. I don't want, but I understand, I understand emergencies. Yeah, I don't want you in You know I understand emergencies Yeah I don't want you Coming in and just hanging out

Having a conversation I think I would rather Her piss in the litter box Than come in while I'm shitting And it's not about her It's about me I don't want you in there While it probably smells bad

It's making noises like Zach It's a whole fucking thing That I don't want her experiencing Because she's always Going to have that In the back of her head Yeah yeah you're part of it And it's one of those things

It's funny It's like a fucking barnyard In here Right And she might be like Worried like Oh I wouldn't want to Come in there And it'll be in the back Of your head overhead yeah yeah you're part of it and it's one of those fucking barnyard right and and and she might be like worried like oh i wouldn't want to come in there and it'll be in the back of your head it's a good thing if it's in the back of my head you peeing on me that's the back of my head but you me being the back of your head with poop stuff is like no no no but this guy being so

upset it's like she went she macgyvered this shit it was like a very uh fucking like smart way to go if it was me i'd probably like be peeing in a bowl or something rather than be like, oh, wait a minute. We've got it. I can pee in this thing and I'll scoop it out. I'll pee in a cat litter box. That is disgusting. The cat litter. It's foul.

The mixture of the two pussies is what grosses me out. Nailed it. Thank you. My man. My man. I don't like thinking about it. When I eat my cat later, I don't want to think when I eat my cat later I don't want to think about it squatting over a box

that is a tough image imagine you come out and your girl is squatting over a litter box it's a tough scene what do you want look away it surprised me look away who hasn't seen a drunk girl do that before

they pee all over themselves when they do that. Jackie knows. Okay, so we're all in agreement that he is the asshole here, right? He's the puss. Puss bag. A little puss bag. Oh. Okay.

Two more. We'll go quickly. Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend he was embarrassing us when he started sobbing in the vet clinic hallway? My, female 26, boyfriend, male 30, my boyfriend's dog has been sick lately. He took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests yesterday. The vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog's condition. We were told the dog had cancer. My boyfriend didn't take it well. He did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really

going to happen. He just had a breakdown. We exited the office and next thing I know, he dropped to his knees sobbing, literally sobbing. I was shocked because for one, I know his dog is important to him. He had him for years. And so I get that this was a lot to take in, and cancer is no joke, but what really bothered me was how he handled it. His knees were on the floor, and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway, making everyone notice. Not gonna lie, NGL, as a woman, I've never even sobbed like

that. I felt embarrassed for both of us. Pretty fucking sexist. I kept trying to get him to go to the car, but he ignored me and kept sobbing. I didn't say anything until later after we got home, and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep. When he woke up, I brought up what happened at the clinic and expressed how embarrassing what he did to me was. He looked at me shocking, asking if I was serious, and I replied that I didn't mean to seem insensitive, but I really thought he should have had a better hold of his emotions and handled the news better, but not

sob in the middle of the hallway because I'd be able to stop and stare. He lashed out at me, calling ridiculous and shallow, to be worrying about what other people were thinking when he was dealing with the traumatic kind of news and was trying to process it i told him he overreacted because he wasn't like it wasn't like the dog had died and seeing him act this way worried me he doubled down and lashed out again calling me uh accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy but but that wasn't what I meant. No, that wasn't what I meant. I was accusing you of having a bitch-itis. I accused you

of being a little... He told me to leave the room. I honestly felt like I probably should not have brought it up. Am I the asshole editing this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he's a man? No, this isn't about that, but it is about the way he reacted. I just don't think he handled it right. She might say that, but there inherently is some shit like, you're a man, you shouldn't do that, but it is about the way he reacted. I just don't think he handled it right.

She might say that, but there inherently is some shit like, you're a man, you shouldn't do this, whether or not she realizes it. I am, you know, the internet's going to be all doggo on this one, you know? But there is some truth to like,

bro, you can't be on your knees like Shawshank. I was going to say full platoon. Yeah. Like you can't. And maybe if the dog died, you know, unless that vet is like, your dog's got cancer, and chops his head off in front of you, you're allowed to cry and all that shit. It is dropping to the knees. It's everything to me, to be honest. It's a lot.

And really, not just out of, like, you look ridiculous. What, are you getting nervous about those pictures? I'm just nervous about... The backlash on this? Just what I'm going to say. Okay. Because I was going to say, also, you do this in the waiting room of a vet, and there's little Timmy with his fucking lizard and little suzy with his cat and

they're worried about what's about to happen to their animal if they're sick and a grown man comes out and he's like no it's like keep your composure there's other people here with pets and problems you could cry about that at home what are you about to say well here's the deal i i just don't understand physically separate myself from him on this take. No, no, no. It's not dog-based. This is a me thing. And it's why my number one, if you can make a word bubble about me in therapy, it's just three, four letters, four words.

Am I a sociopath? And I'm just constantly asking. Am I a sociopath and it's like i'm just constantly asking am i a sociopath because i see emotion and i'm like you're so ridiculous what the fuck is wrong so weird yeah like it is it i i can't confidently say i have emotions oh no you don't like no no you have emotions but you don't have and i believe it's the number one sign of sociopathy, you don't. No, no, you have emotions, but you don't have, and I believe it's the number one sign of sociopathy, is you don't have empathy, right? No, I have empathy because I go, eh.

If you look at people emoting and say, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know if you have empathy. I get that you're sad. You're allowed to be sad because I feel the pressure to match your sadness. I'm like, well, I don't have that. But you're allowed to have it. Good for you. So it's like you could go do that. I just wouldn't. I grant you to match your sadness. I'm like, well, I don't have that. But you're allowed to have it. Good for you.

So it's like you can go do that. I just wouldn't. I grant you permission for your sadness. I grant you permission for your joy. I can't meet you there. So I'll be down here. I will be at the level. Whether you're coming up or you're coming down in an hour, I'll meet you here.

That's where i'll be and i so like if someone was crying in the middle of a hallway be it a dog a grandma a mom a sibling a kid i don't fucking know i'd be like all right like like i i get what you're doing i would be embarrassed i would i would uh there be embarrassed. I would definitely be embarrassed. Yeah. But there is a... Fuck. Look at... You've got to hug your girlfriend.

I feel like you've got to hug him in the moment. Let him cry on your shoulder. And then if it goes on, you're kind of like, Okay, babe, let's go home. I'm doing the Jack Donaghy when Liz Lemon is crying and he's got a broom and he's just going there there

there there I've done this before where you're hugging someone who's emotional and then you kind of do like the like like

okay and you're trying to like separate to maybe look at them and maybe you're not done consoling them but you are ready to be done with that hug

and maybe move on to the next process. Maybe I'm going to pull you apart and give you a kiss or I'm going to look at you and be, are you okay? I'm not just like, get the fuck off me. But I'm like, okay, this hug is done. We need to move on. We did our 30 seconds of emotion. What are we still doing here?

Now, I was crying on the street not too long ago. John came and found me. And I thought you were quite good at consoling me. You just handed me a cigarette and sat next to me. Yeah. It was going to be a hug and a big display, but you did come, and I was like – I don't think I was still crying. I think I had been crying.

I had, like, puffy face and everything, and you were kind of like, oh, boy, like, you all right? You're good? And I was like, all right. And you were like, you want a cigarette? I was like, yeah, okay. And in that moment, it was what I needed. It was good.

If what you need is a cigarette, a drink, some silence, and some jokes, I'm great. Great. But if what you need is someone to match your emotions, not so good. That's fair. But I think the fact that you're even here to be, I'll be your wingman for your sadness in the way, it might not be traditional, but I can provide these things to help you. I think you're not a sociopath. Okay.

I think you're a practical, pragmatic empathizer. Okay. Fuck yeah. That's a good one. I'm with therapy right now. That's all I need. Start throwing that around. I'm a pragmatic empathizer.

That sounds fancy, right? I'm not going to cry with you. I'm not going to like sob with you and give you all these words of advice or words of criticism or any of that. I'll smoke a cig, eat a banana, tell some jokes and let you vent. I have the wherewithal

to know this isn't rock bottom. Something worse might happen. The Bruins might lose tomorrow. So things could get worse. So I'm just... And I wish I wasn't this way. I always want to make that clear. I wish I wasn't this way.

I think we need more of you, you know? I think you need more people that you can just vent to. Every time I talk about what goes on in my head, I want to make clear, this is not the way it should go. I am not in the impression... I'm not saying be like me. I don't be like me. If I was sobbing about my dog and you started to like sob with me or really be like, oh my God, it's okay.

It's almost like telling me it's okay and I'm going to sob more. But sometimes that's what you need. Sometimes, but not in the middle of public. That's not where to do it. Let's get a bathroom or something. You fucking freak. Have you ever been Real sad Real upset

But also recognize Yeah this is I feel like I've been like this Where it's It's like Maybe not in public But maybe just the level of sadness Where my

My like vanity And my shame Will still cut through the sadness And take over And be like Okay but stop crying Yeah yeah You know like

Like go home and cry about this Like stop now It'll cut through immediately Yeah You understand we're Outside We're not But it's not even like the sadness and take over and be like, okay, but stop crying. Go home and cry about this. Stop now. It'll cut through immediately. You understand we're outside. But it's not even like that. Are you really crying about that girl? It's like, shut up. You can be sad, but stop with the fucking... That's

another poly-Feidelbergism that I think has stuck with me or ruined me or whatever where she would just grant us permission to feel feelings. And it's like, yeah, you can be sad. And then she'd just go about her day. So that's kind of... I cried one time.

I think I've told this before. I was a sophomore going into junior year of high school. My girlfriend at the time was a senior who graduated. So that summer she was going away to college. And the day that she left, I came home and I played. I did teenage girl type shit. I came home and I played sad music on purpose. A little attention, huh?

This is the days of the family computer, too. So I was in the computer room crying. I was listening to the fucking 80s love ballads or some shit. Richard Marks or some shit. God, I'm homeless and the meatloaf. So I'm crying and my mom comes in and she's like,

at first she was like, oh my god, honey, what's wrong? She's kind of rubbing my back and I'm like, through my sobbing, being like, he's gone. Oh my god. She was like, ow. Okay. Don't worry, honey, there's going to college. And she was like, oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, honey. There's going to be plenty of other fish in the sea.

Like, what do you want? I'm making chicken for dinner. Is that good? You know? But it was. I'm going to give you the most cliche cliche of all time. You have to live to it. And that, I was sad. And it wasn't like I immediately was like, oh yeah, fuck that bitch. But I was like, okay, you're right. I can't do this. I'm being a puss bag. Like, and that's not like massage, like yeah, fuck that bitch. But I was like, okay, you're right. I can't do this. I'm being a puss bag.

And that's not like toxic masculinity. That's just like adulthood. I was just like, oh, okay. Relax. Alright, one more and then we'll do a couple voicemails. Where'd it go? Am I the asshole for installing cameras without telling my housemates?

That sounds super illegal. I, a 20-year-old female, live in a shared house with three other girls. Again, being girls, everything shifts. That sounds more... Actually, I don't know what that means. Certainly can't be guys to girls, I'll tell you that much. I will call them Sarah, Kate, and Zoe. Kate is friends with Zoe.

The rest of us aren't really friends. Whilst... Is everyone an asshole in Britain? Everyone in Britain is just having crises about whether they're assholes or not, and they write the internet about it. Whilst I'm on okay terms with Sarah and Zoe, I've never really liked Kate. I mean, I've already lost you, but whatever. We have a shared fridge where we have a shelf for each of our stuff.

I have noticed that my food and milk constantly goes missing. I see multiple times a week that large portions of my food and milk is gone. It's unbelievably frustrating and also very time consuming and expensive to buy and cook new food. I've always believed that it was Kate because one, she's awake in the middle of the night, 1 to 4 a.m. I'm asleep then and I tend to notice my stuff is missing in the morning. Two, I have asked all of them

about it. Sarah and Zoe both deny taking my stuff, but Kate gets all defensive and says I shouldn't accuse her when I have no proof. Oh yeah, that bitch did it. i was complaining to my friend and she and he said he was in a similar situation and got a fridge camera i thought it was a great idea i got one placed discreetly in the fridge and decided to wait a week sure enough it was kate raiding my food daily i confronted her about it because i had proof i showed her the footage told her to never do it again and that she should repay me for all what she took well she, she went apeshit. She said, how dare I put a camera in the shared kitchen without

asking the others first, and how it's so invasive to record others in their own home. I explained the camera only recorded the inside of the fridge, not the whole kitchen, but she didn't care. She has since said she'll never be able to feel safe again in her own home. Zoe has sided with her, and they're both calling me an asshole, saying I should have asked everyone first, even though this would have defeated the whole purpose. I said none of this would have happened if Kate hadn't been stealing my shit and lying about it. Sarah has to get my side

so it's pretty tense in the house right now. You can't tell people that you're filming them when you're trying to catch a criminal in the act. I'm totally on this bitch's side. If it was something like I got a film who's been like using my shampoo in the shower and you're filming me naked, we got a problem. If it's something like I got a film who's been like using my shampoo in the shower and you're filming me naked, we got a problem. If it's something like I put the camera in your bedroom to film you because you were

stealing things and bring them back to your room, but now I also have footage of you getting changed and doing whatever you do in your bedroom, not having it. If it's just like I caught you opening the door and taking stuff out and closing it, you're going ape shit because you got caught being a fridge thief. Yeah, how about you just live your life like you're being filmed all the time? That's what we do. How about that? Big brother. That's what we do. And we do it because we have to do it because our lives are being filmed. I'm pro big brother on this

fucking show. I'm the man. I want him watching. The NSA can watch everything. Everyone at all times should be under the assumption that they are under heavy surveillance. And really because you probably are. You probably And really because you are. You probably are. Because you are.

And you know what? You would act a lot more fucking respectable if you acted under heavy surveillance. You would be a scumbag. And you have to get over the fact that it's like the NSA and Big Brother and shit, they don't care that you're watching some T.S. porn. Okay? You get over your fucking, you know, your nerves and your qualms about that. They're trying to stop the terrorists and the fridge thieves.

This is what girls and anybody, but girls do. When they get caught red-handed, it's like, you gotta play the victim card, you gotta yell. Like, her being like, I'll never be safe again. It's like, you got fucking caught. And you're trying to play every last card. You go down swinging, you go down

fire. No, no, no, I don't. Oh, you just be like, yeah. That's Tristan Thompson. You go down swinging? You go down fire? No, no, no, I don't. Oh, you just be like, yeah. I'm like, yeah. That's Tristan Thompson. I'm the dad, all right. Sorry. Sorry, Chloe. And I'll pay for the kid.

This bitch needs to be like, I'll pay for the fucking milk. You got me. But instead, she's like, I'm never going to be safe again. You violated my rights. It's like, no. You violated my rights. I mean, don't get me wrong. Actually, in the fridge, it's really not that big of a move.

I was going to say, anywhere else in the house, it's weird. I mean, you're an asshole. It's not that weird if you're trying. You're taking it a little too far. But it's not like she's like, I'm going to surveil everyone and watch their behavior. It's like, I'm going to find you stealing my shit. It's a very small scope of what she's filming for. Are we really stealing? Well, that's the other thing.

If you could make an argument, I don't make it right now. She's the asshole for going to the length that she's going for some milk and some bread or whatever. Like, oh, you took some of my groceries? Like, you live together, man. Okay, I'll say this. It depends. I want to get inside this bitch's head. Kate, whatever her name is, Zoe, Sarah, whoever. If she

is putting in the cameras because she wants to catch someone because of the monetary value that she has lost and the time that she's apparently lost going back to the grocery store, you're the asshole. If she was kind of like, yo, who's stealing my shit?

That cost me a few bucks every week. And now you just want to catch this person who's blatantly lying to your face because you think, when someone's lying to you about that, it's like, oh, you think I'm an idiot? You think I'm going to buy this? Fuck you. If I'm going to set up the cameras to catch you lying... Probably. Probably getting gaslit.

You finished the book. I did one now? So I'm going to catch... That's why I'm putting the cameras out. Because I'm going to catch you in this lie that you're gaslighting me with where you think that you're smarter than me. Then I'm okay with the cameras because it's the reasoning behind it.

It depends. Because there are rules to being roommates. And the fridge is one of them. The fridge is one of those like you got to label your shit or whatever. Now, I think you're a fucking loser.

No. You're all a fucking loser if you're doing that shit. Are you down with like everything that's in the fridge everybody can eat? It's everyone's thing, but you don't finish it.

Right. You leave it like the person who gets the last glass of milk, the last bowl of milk is the person who bought the milk you want to have a little glass a little mini glass short quick shot of milk no problem yeah that's fucking yogurt cereal chips all that shit you can have a bowl we're fucking roommates right you can have a bowl i think as long as you don't finish it. And it's not like a special food. Yeah, if it's my mom's pot pie that she made that I love. Even then, you can have a piece of it.

No, I think everything can be shared. What about this? Let's say we're poor people. Dirt balls who bring home leftovers. But I bring home like a steak that I paid for. I put my leftovers in there. You eat it and finish it. Or not even finish it.

You just eat like all my leftovers and leave like a little bit of the steak left. Hmm. And it's like, or anything. I wouldn't do that. I feel like there's something. I would be upset. Yeah, no, no.

My leftovers are leftovers. It's like, oh, I'm going to go home and eat my Chinese food that's in the fridge and it's not there. But it's like a loaf of bread. You're going to take a couple slices or you're going to have a couple glasses of milk. That seems okay,

but this is a specific meal that I either made or paid for that I'm looking forward to or I kept for a reason. Don't touch that shit. Yeah. Speaking of Chinese food, I've told you this during ATI, but I recently got very bad food poisoning from Chinese food and I was like puking and shitting all night.

Let's give the people multiple choice on what happened next, okay? Okay. John ate some Chinese food, got food poisoning, puked his fucking brains out. Yeah. Did he? I barely slept. If you had asked me, like, did you sleep last night? I'd be like, I don't think so.

I was in a bit of a puking shit fog. I slept on the, ah, I did. I slept on the bathroom floor for a little bit. I don't know if I ever, like, hit ram or, like, really was out. Right. But I did. You were passed out. I was like, I can't get back to my bed. Did he A, eat just rice and grilled chicken

and ride out the storm and try to get better and let his stomach rest? Did he 2, order Chinese food from that same fucking place as soon as he was done being sick to eat from that same place again? Or did he D, eat the exact same meal that gave him the food poisoning as soon as he was well enough to eat again?

I'll give you a hint, folks. It's not A or 2. This is your most dirtball move yet. To be fair, wasn't so bad the second time. Maybe your body had like hard... Yeah, yeah. I don't know how to deal with this next time.

Don't get me wrong. Ran right through you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was there. Did you shit or puke? Don't get me wrong. It was the Omicron version.

It was. You know what I mean? I had Delta food poisoning the night before. I got Omicron the next day. It was all right. I don't want to be out of work for five days all right voicemails let's do them what do we got we actually have some all right let's go what's going on kfc fights nick zach jackie pavs um everybody else so i have one of the more

i guess insane travel stories and i would love to get your thoughts on it. A couple years ago, I was on a flight, and I drew the short end of the stick, so I was in the middle seat, whatever. But the person that was sitting next to me in the aisle seat was someone who was about the same size as Frank the Tank. What do you mean? Before they sat down, they stood in the aisle, and they looked down at their seat, and then they sat down they stood in the aisle and they looked down at their seat and they looked at me and something in their head was like I can bully this kid

and they were right but before they sat down they lifted the armrest that separates the seats and then sat down I obviously didn't say anything just kind of put my headphones in did my best to go to sleep but yeah

so I think about that all the time. It was the worst flight experience I've ever had. So I guess what is the craziest thing that you've seen somebody do, like, on a flight or that, you know, somebody could do while traveling? Thanks, Viva. He took away the seat rest, the arm rest. And then that's it? Well, that's quite a life you got there, white man.

And this has been the hardest thing that's ever happened to me. John, he prefaced that. He said, the most insane travel story ever. I just want to say, I've had this happen, and I let that happen, because the guy was just too big. Yeah. And then the flight attendant came in and was like, no, you have to put that down. And this guy was just, it was like pushing dough up against the wall.

Yeah, I mean, when you're like hitting, like, you're squeezing in there like Scott Calvin through those tiny chimneys. We got in the air, I was like, do you want to put it up? And he's just like, I mean, at this point. At that point, it's probably just hard to get it back up. Yeah, the Hoover Dam's holding it all in. I've chronicled this. This is one of the blogs, I think one of my early Hall of Fame OG blogs is talking about establishing dominance in the arm rest situation where

i mean there was a guy who was i don't even remember the details i want to go back and read it where he was clearly just trying to bully me out of the spot and i was just not having it and i was like we were we were basically arm wrestling like elbow to elbow and pushing and then like he had to eventually get up and i was like it's mine motherfucker despite my bullied him my bully yes my bulliness you're i'm i'm bitch i'm bitch oh yeah it's funny that you're a bully because you're also you're bitch me i i'm also bitch me yeah it's funny because john your father and polly's certainly not bitch but that those genes came together and popped out bitch made like i'll just i don't care like it just doesn't it's it's like it's like living in

a studio apartment if i if i had the space sure'd sprawl out, but it does not bother me. Also, isn't it just easy enough, though, to be like you go front, I go back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'll just hook it back. Yeah, and it does suck. It's like if you want to be leaned back and so I'm going for the back and they're trying to do the same thing and so I got to be forward, there is some inconvenience.

I do think if a skinny person sat down and was just like neither of us get it that would be crazy fat person has a reason and i think it's almost like kind of better for both yeah if you're not if your fat's not like spilling over um there is a way to get bullied and be bitch made and walk out of a flight being emasculated because of the armrest that that's not really it in my mind. It's more if like you have made it clear that you want to rest your arm here and someone else comes in there and is just like, nope, my spot. And then you don't do shit about it.

I would just sit there. I'd be like, you are so weird. You care that much about that. I'd motherfuck you in my head, but I'd be like, you're a fucking loser if you're really trying to fucking push me off this thing I've done it When did we go to Vegas to get the TV As like a 24 year old man

I was like If I don't get this fucking armrest I'm gay Now I'm like whatever dude I hope the plane crashes My arm's gonna be a little uncomfortable for a little while I'm hoping we hit the mountains, okay? Now I have bigger concerns.

My girlfriend's dog just got cancer, and I had to watch her cry in the hallway. Little does she know that I hit it with a golf club. But I am happy we got this voicemail because it does bring me to something that was quite the rage on the internet over the weekend, I believe. What's that? Our pal Trent. On the plane. With his bangers and mash. I've never laughed so hard in my life.

It was... The picture of him. Decisions were made and they were not good. Trent and the foreplay guys were flying where? It was a long flight, right? It was back from Arizona. So Arizona back to New York were flying where? It was a long flight, right? So Arizona back to New York, that's about like a four hour flight. Pre-meal flight.

Pre-flight meal. Foreplay boys sit down. Big Daddy Trent orders bangers and mash. What airport even serves bangers and mash? So I was with them. It wasn't in the airport it was like

we went to a bar before him because we had five hours to kill before okay thing that's also there's a five hour window beforehand

but this was like this well we had five hours then we didn't because it was a whole fucking thing but anyways he was like

I've never he's like oh bangers are mashed like I didn't know like he had never had it before so there was a whole conversation beforehand. It wasn't like all of a sudden he was like, oh, that's what I'm getting. And so I don't think Frankie realized what was happening because then they brought it out.

And first of all, it was just so much more beans than we thought it was going to be. What is bangers and mash? I think it's sausage and mashed potatoes. It's sausage and mashed potatoes. And it said some beans, but we thought it was just on the side. But it was just all covered in beans. And so Frankie just goes, what the fuck did you just order? Oh, my God.

That's disgusting. And he just lost his brain. I mean, before you're getting on a flight to have sausage links and a bowl of beans and mashed potatoes. Now, I'm with Big Daddy. Oh, that's disgusting. I don't give a fuck what I'm doing. I'm eating what I want to eat. Okay?

Oh, I'm not worried. Well. I'm not like I'm about to get on a flight. I might fart. I don't care. I want bangers and mash. No, I don't give a shit about that. I'm like, I'm going to get on a flight.

I'm going to shit myself. Yeah. Oh, I've done that. I'm going to be over the bowl in a tiny airplane bathroom for four hours. I don't give a shit about other people. I don't give a fuck about other people, especially on a plane. I am so sick of people getting on planes and being openly vocal about how something is inconveniencing their time. You don't like if I put my seat back.

You don't like if the kid's crying. You don't like if I had a meal beforehand and I'm farting. We're trapped in a fucking pressurized tin can that's going to go 30,000 feet in the air and they're going to throw us to the next city. It's not going to be enjoyable. It's not like I'm coming into your home where you're supposed to be curled up in your nice comfortable bed and I'm fucking with your pillows and I'm farting on your face and I'm putting my baby in your face. It's a uncomfortable thing for four hours that we're

all suffering through to be able to get from point A to point B. It's not about your comfort and making sure the entire flight is customized to your liking, you fucking assholes. You know who I hate the most? Is the people. I hate the people who hate the people who stand up. Yeah. People are like, what are you doing? Yeah. That's become, uh, like

Bacon and Morgan Freeman. It's like, oh, someone gets up after a flight? I'm 6'2", 220 pounds. I've been cramped into this fucking seat. I'm just standing up. I'm not grabbing my bag and sprinting for the fight. That's what people don't get. I'm just fucking standing up.

People don't understand the difference between just standing up and wanting to leave. I want to stretch my legs. I've been sitting down for four hours. Right. Everyone go to a rest stop where you drive in a car with plenty of leg room for an hour and a half, and you get out, and you go, ah. You know what does that? I've been cramped for four hours.

Totally with you. Totally with you. I'm going to stand up. I'm going to fucking stand up. Now, I do. The second I'm allowed to stand up, I'm going to stand up. I do think it's funny when you see people doing this over the fucking overhead. You're standing there like this, and it's like, just sit back down.

If you're trying to get out, you are an idiot. You're standing there like this, and it's like, just sit back down. If you're trying to get out, you are an idiot. You're an asshole. I even think complaining about it, I took a picture of that, and you posted it. It's like, we've done this before. There are weird assholes who think that somehow they're going to be able to run off the plane ahead of you. It's not going to happen. They're going to wait.

But also complaining about it and making a joke about it now has become cliche. But also the guy like myself who's just standing up, getting my shit out, getting ready. I'm just going to be ready to walk. I had a laptop out or a tablet. I'm putting it back in my bag or getting something out of my bag. It's like I just wanted to stand up. No, I'm not an asshole. People are like, death sentence to these people.

Like, I stood up. Yeah. So my legs were sore. Even if I'm now, I'll stand up, no questions asked. If I'm under one of the baggage things, I like. Sometimes I do this thing where i i kind of turn sideways and i kind of rest my arms on the two yeah yeah you're kind of i'll stand and if it goes too long i'll sit back down yeah but like i have to stretch a little bit

and if it inconveniences somebody somehow if i'm touching someone or getting in their way or anything like that then i stop immediately i wouldn't do it at all but if it's just not affecting anybody and i want to stand up because like you said we're taller than most and the short people out here complaining about that shit. Fuck you guys.

But all of it falls under the umbrella of like yes, airplanes with a couple hundred other strangers are not custom made for your liking. I've been on a plane before. The baby thing drives me fucking crazy. It's like if you've ever been on a plane before. The baby thing drives me fucking crazy. It's like, if you've ever been on a plane where there's a baby crying in your ear, it's a horrible

experience, yes. And then when the people are like, when people are like, babies should not be able to fly. And it's like, I've gotta get my family somewhere, dude. Yeah, I guess if you're like commuting daily with your baby, it's kind of weird. But if there's like, been a death, or or there's a reason or it's the holidays or something,

it's like humans need to travel and this human belongs to me. It's got to come with me. Yeah, babies I don't care about. Babies I'm like – I've said it before. Unless it's like directly in your ear between your own headphones and your own fucking experience. It's like is it that bad that you are, I mean, I had that fight with Dave a million times on radio where he was like, you know,

there should be no children around me ever. And then once you become the, I also used to be like, as long as the parent is like making an effort, kind of like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm trying to like, I'm trying. I know guys, this is bad. Then once I went through it, I'm like, oh, I don't give a fuck about y'all.

I'm sitting here on my phone because this noise, this crying, it's white noise to me. I don't even give a shit anymore. This is your problem. My kid's going to cry. Deal with it, asshole. But the – what did I say with Trent? I've been on flights before. I've been on a flight before.

I was flying from Portugal, I think, where I ate, like, fish right beforehand. Like, swordfish. Like, worms and shit in it. And I was, bro, I was in the bathroom, like, fucking, like, phone. Like, phone. I had my pants around my ankles. I had my phone, like, resting in my boxers just so I could see the time. I was watching every minute being like, all right, I got 60 seconds.

Like that dude with IBS. I'm like, I got to get all this out of me in 60 seconds. And I didn't. And so I was like, I got to get up and fucking waddle to the plane. So I'm on the plane. I'm farting my fucking brains out, bro. Fucking farting nonstop. Altitude gets you, you know.

And it's pushing it down. And I'm sitting on the fucking thing farting and I'm in my own head at this point. So I'm thinking it's a bench. You know, some flights have like, it's like a bench. All the chairs are connected. Kinda. Yeah. Like, it's like a, like one flat seat for like the three people or whatever.

I don't think I've seen that much, but okay. There is. I mean, I can envision what you're talking about. Yeah. And, and, and maybe, so maybe I wasn't even like picturing that, but that's what, I can envision what you're talking about yeah and so maybe I wasn't even like picturing that but that's what that's what I was picturing

but maybe it's not as common as I thought it was but just because I was in my own head without having anxiety about farting so much and then I like my hand kind of just fell down

and I realized that we had separate seats that therefore they could not be feeling the vibrations oh you thought you were ripple farting and I was like

oh I don't give a fuck oh now I'm dripping fuck anymore now I'm dripping. But it did get to be so bad that once the fart started stinking, I was like, everyone knows. But they might not feel it, but they get on a plane. On a plane, there's a

lot of smells. There's a lot of smells. There's a lot of suspects. There's not so many suspects. When you fart, you might be able to convince Suspects Yeah There's a lot of smells There's a lot of suspects There's not so many suspects There's not You're like When you fart Now you might You might be able to

Convince you You think When you're the one who farted Your head goes Everyone knows it was me What do you subscribe to? To whoever's denied supply To whoever smelled the Delta

And all that I do not believe in Whoever smelled the Delta I will real quick go Oh my god You guys smelled that? Yeah yeah yeah And then

I won't do that But I also won't't – but I also – I will deny it. You know what – oh, yeah. I'm like, yeah, I wasn't made. Can you believe these animals? Here's what I'll do. I rip ass on a plane, and it starts to smell. Here's what I'm doing. I'm reading the SkyMall.

This guy's on his phone, whatever. But we all kind of see each other peripherally, right? And I would go – And I'm not going to touch you or bring it up and then some other guy is going to go yeah you're right oh my god I think it hurt

the whole time it was me Austin it was me what I learned was that if you hold it in you end up burping it out that's a Feidelberg I don't know if that's scientific when you say that's what I learned was that if you hold it in, you end up burping it out. Yeah, that's a Feidelberg. I don't know if that's scientific.

Yeah, when you say that's what I learned, it's something that you've said multiple times on the podcast to the point that you believe that a different person said it. That is exactly how I know most things. It's something I created. It's just you have said it multiple times. I have accepted it. I accept myself. It's like, what's your source? I don't know.

Someone told me one time. Yeah. Someone did tell you something. You. What you need on a plane is a fat person. Because then. Everyone wants a fat person. Now, I feel bad because that happened to Double Abagadon a lot.

That anytime there's a fart on the plane, everyone looks at Big Evan. And he says it's, you know, prejudice. It is. And when I see Glennie talking about the fats. It's an accepted form of prejudice. It is a cross you have to bear as a fat, you know. The same way that. It's like people who people cry about who get mad about babies on planes you don't want to get richer yeah right same people same people like oh there's people in the gym okay fine get your own fucking gym or on new year's but wait so how does this translate you want you don't want to

get blamed for get skinny get skinny got it okay now what is there something that balances out is it kind of like hey listen you're a fat so're going to have to deal with the fact that people think you fart. But in exchange, X, Y, Z, is there any good to being a fat that we can say, hey, this is in exchange for the fact that what? Or is it just like being fat has a lot of drawbacks and no positives? Because it could be that. I would say. I think I'm prone to laugh at fat people more

it's like hey you're automatically kind of funny when you're fat I would say that in exchange people think you farted yeah

deal with it yeah and also you're gonna have heart problems there's no there's no balancing that one out no

you're gonna die early that's just an extra yeah it's like we will laugh at you but it's probably fart and also also you're gonna die. Your carotid artery's gonna be

working overtime for a long time. Last one. Right? Is it the third one? Two more. Oh, two more? We only did one? No, we did two, right? We only did one. What's up, KFC Radio? We need to bring that back, but

we're both blasted. She's new. This is my first video voicemail. Is he driving? Work with me for a second. No, he's not. Let me put this in story for you

first. I was walking my dog, and my dog was trying to shit on someone's lawn but they were bringing in their garbage cans so I just kind of like tugged the dog with me until the uh like they walked away and then I let her shit on their lawn but um if I would have done that, like, I would have been pissed at them. So, like, the question is, what is one thing that, like, you do all the time when no one's looking, but get pissed whenever you see someone do?

Let me know. Great question. There's a funny video. Homegirl wanted her shine. Yeah. So, by the way, I am hot. She was, like, serving looks, right? As long as she's over 18, she was hot.

He can talk about this dog shitting thing. Yeah. You know, I am... I'm hot. She was like serving looks, right? As long as she's over 18, she was hot. He can talk about this dog shitting thing. You know, I am a stereotypically attractive person. Yeah, as long as she is 18, she has great hair, and she has a look that's like, yeah, that's right. I know this. I have a great answer for this one. This is something. What did you say?

I didn't think there was any chance he was under 18. I don't think there is either, but you never know. He said drunk. I'm an acon in this one. You've got to be 21. You've got to be 21. I mean, it is a horribly immature thing to do, you know, get drunk and call our show and talk about dog shitting and stuff, you know.

I know the answer though. A good one is whatever you are in the moment, you hate the other one. Pedestrian driver. You know, if, if I'm jaywalking, I'm like, I love jaywalking. If someone else is kind of getting in the way when it's my right away, I'm like, get the fuck out of the road, man. I cut people off, but when they cut me off, I want to kill them. Whatever happens on the road, the grass is always greener or the other side of the coin or whatever you want to call it. Did I tell you about the time?

I don't think I did this. It was fairly recent. It was actually for a while ago. It's surprising I haven't told you about this. When I hit the car with my umbrella? No. Yeah. Cut it close and you whacked it?

I was walking in the rain, and I remember this. It was 18th Street, Motel Morris, right across the street. And I was crossing the street. I was like 100% undoubtedly correct here. It was – I had the white guy being like – The white man walking. The white man says I can go. And this car – I guess it was like behind a U-Haul or something like that,

and they were trying to take a left on 18. And because it was behind a U-Haul, they didn't see the light. So they just went. And then they got angry and swerved around it and then cut and it was raining. That's why the umbrella. And then they saw me in the crosswalk and

slammed on the brakes but scared until it was raining. And I was like, what the fuckigning And I I was like What the fuck And I And like they were already apologizing They were like Oh my god

Like they knew it was their fault They were like Oh my god Oh my god But you had already started swinging I had already started swinging it With an open umbrella Open umbrella

But like Swinging an open umbrella Yeah it's weird It's really hard Yeah yeah yeah And I kind of just like And like It like

I don't know Tinked off the car And like It was We'll be driving with our whole family And the car's like, I don't know, tinked off the car. And we'll be driving with our whole family in the car. She's like, I'm so. What the fuck, man? She's like, what? And I was like, yeah, I don't know. It just kept walking.

Your umbrella's all mangled, flipped inside out. Trying to catch the wind. And if I know you, it's probably a pretty crappy umbrella, right? You don't have a good one? Oh, yeah, of course. You got like a fucking $5 one you bought for that in the wind. And if I know you, it's probably a pretty crappy umbrella, right? You don't have a good one. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, you got like a fucking $5 one you bought for the guy in the corner. So it's like a mess. One day I started dumping rain.

I bought a $3 umbrella that somehow survived. Yeah. Yeah, that's up there, though. And if you were driving, you would have been, you know, you totally just flip spots there. Also, I feel like bars – I don't know. I do kind of feel like I live by like bar etiquette and code of how to get to the bar and order a drink and stuff. But sometimes – like if I – like put it this way. If you're at the bar and I'm like a row back but I make eye contact with a bartender because I'm like paying attention more, like I'm ordering.

You know what I mean? Like even if it's – but if I'm in front and some guy is getting drinks behind me, I'd be like, what the fuck is going on here? It's like kind of your fault because like I was paying attention to the point that I made eye contact and you were over here and I was like, yeah, two more or whatever. But if I'm – it depends on where I am in that spot because if I'm, if I fought my way to the front and then someone behind me gets a drink, I'm like, what the fuck? The fucking, The plane is a good one too.

Like stand up, if you're sitting down, you're like, fuck that guy, but if your legs are tired or you want to stand up, you're like, I'm just going to stand up. That dude's story, that's what was stuck out to me more.

That's happened to me a million times. So I, so, he just didn't let the dog shit on their lawn. You're not here, not here, not here. You don't understand the words I'm saying, but just hold it for five more seconds. But also, don't you pick it up? You don't pick up? Oh, I pick up.

To me, it's like, I'm going to pick it up. Don't worry. Even if someone's lawn, I would be weird about it. It's like, yeah, you picked it up, but there's still shit residue on my grass, dude. My kids are all around on this tomorrow. Or sometimes you forget a bag, or they take the double dump and you're like, I just brought one bag!

What the fuck? I've done, like, I make a production of their pooping, the dog's pooping, and I go into the little thing I have, and I'm like, I'm opening this! I'm twisting! Oh no, opening this like untwisting oh no there's no bag I you know

like something to let the people know I at least kind of tried dude I had one time I was walking Maddie and she had just wet shit and I was like like like there's nothing you can do about it yeah it's a it's a piss but it just came out of her ass rub it in the

into the grass and I was like like i turned into a game i was like all right girl let's go yeah yeah yeah but i i mean that's that situation is hard like when you're on uh when you're in when you hate the other person like there's most things i do in my life um but like i don't nothing really sticks out just because everything's like annoying yeah like there's i would guess the number one and it doesn't really translate uh being on a show like this where when i'm in a car and i'm listening to a radio show and I'm like, shut the fuck up and play music because music is better than you talking. But then I come on a show and I talk for three hours.

Oh, I got one. I got one. On a show, if I'm listening to the show and you're eating, I'm like, this is awful. And then if I'm doing the show, I'm like, fuck you. I'm hungry. I got to eat. Deal with it. Deal with the sound in your ears.

All right. Interview time. This is a long one. And we should have just made this a short one to get to the good shit. This is a good podcast. That was a good podcast. And now it's going to get better because undoubtedly the four of us, me, John Gillis, and McCusker is a fucking trip. So let's go listen and be on the lookout for their ATI on Monday.

Right? Monday. Yeah. Monday evening, Gillis and McCusker answer the internet together. It's fucking awesome. So it's Gillis and McCusker week for the next few days here at KC Radio. Let's talk to them. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you get glasses? I know. I thought you were about to wear it in here at least. No. I don't think I'll ever wear that in jacket. I know. I thought you were about to wear it in here at least. No, I don't think I'll ever wear that in public. What? Why not?

We're going to do the Birds game on Sunday. Bang, bang. Yeah, but we got flexed to Saturday. And this guy's got like a career or whatever. It's just a cool jacket. But why can't you wear it? I'm a Carolina. Oh, because it's too cool.

You're not. It's literally too cool. You're not a starter jacket guy? Yeah, you're a little low there. You're not a starter jacket guy? You're a little low there. You're not a starter jacket guy. Bro, you're a starter jacket guy. What are you talking about? Like, we're not talking.

I would understand if it was like, yo, I got this, like, velvet blazer. But it's a starter jacket. You could wear a starter. All right, but it's still a starter jacket. White gave us both a little pause. I'm starting to understand your position But like You look cool man

I think you can wear a jacket You look cool dude I think you should wear that all the time That should become your thing The white starter jacket guy I don't know where I'd wear it Literally anywhere you want I'd wear it Literally anywhere you want I'll wear it

I wore it today Why don't you wear it on stage? It's the same thing I bought a I bought a Bryce Harper jersey I've only worn it To walk to the coffee shop I can't bring myself

To wear a baseball jersey I always wanted to wear A fucking baseball jersey You look good in a baseball jersey I do dude I look like the Bambino I look like an old-time slugger. I haven't done a jersey in a long time.

Yeah, when you – Do you think the jersey is too cool for you, too? No, I just look ridiculous. Okay, that's fair. It is – If you wear jerseys, more power to you, but I also think it's like – It's kind of silly.

It is. I'd like to be able to wear a jersey. You want to pull this off? You'd like to be a professional athlete? That's basically if people can get away wearing jerseys. Are we doing podcasting? Are we going? Yes.

Oh, this is all on. I also, if you guys want a drink, we got some whiskey here. No. No? Okay. Just checking. It'd be wild. I was going to...

Whistlepig is one of our sponsors, and they sent me a really fucking nice bottle of whiskey that I had to bring in here for this, but I forgot. But this is still pretty solid. I wasn't going to say get shit-faced, but if you guys want to have some drinks, we do have it. It's not that early. 12.50. One o'clock.

Dude, that can't be drinking whiskey. Matt drinks whiskey a lot. No, I don't at all. Matt doesn't agree with alcohol. He doesn't like alcohol. No? No. It's against my religion.

Have you never? Or are you just like, yeah, I've drank. Like, yeah, yeah. You're just slowing down now? Yeah, big time. How old are you? 30, almost 36. Yeah, that's...

It's mostly 36. I'm with you, brother. I've had to slow down recently myself. Really? Yeah. You were hitting it pretty good. I've had to slow down recently myself Really? Yeah You were hitting it pretty good It wasn't just like a choice that he made The choice was made for him

Yeah, the doctors were like You gotta chill, bro The pancreas was like Bro, you gotta chill You're one of the few guys That I was looking at like I'm doing alright There's always guys that I see

I'm like, I can keep drinking at this rate Some guys are doing it Other guys are doing it Honestly, I have felt that way before Just about all life things there's always guys that I see I'm like I can keep drinking at this rate some guys I have felt that way before about all life things when that when something that happens they fall off like oh fuck yeah yeah because I was always looking at like Keith Richards I was like Keith Richards Tommy Lee and these two had way too much in common About their habits and shit Self 9

But when Tommy Lee Is talking about his drinking And drug habits It's cause he's Tommy Lee And when you're like yeah totally exactly But you're just you dude You can't be like Tommy Lee You're not a fucking rock star

Tommy Lee told us he was sober. And then we were like, so what do you do in the whole pandemic? And he's like, oh, I wake up, lay by the pool, get a huge glass of vodka. And we're like, that's not surprising. It just means no hard drugs. He's like, it means I'm not injecting Jack Daniels anymore. He's still drinking hard liquor, like doing like regular drugs. It's just like probably like not heroin.

Yeah. Crazy, man. That's pretty good, though. But they both were like celebrating. I was like, I can't, man's just like probably like not heroin. Yeah. Crazy, man. That's pretty good though. But they both were like celebrating. I was like, I can't, man. The hangovers just kill me. And they both like at the same time were like, you can't get hung over if you just keep drinking.

Like, jinx. It's like, you're both alcoholics. It was a trip, man. But yeah, Paul, I'm sorry I kind of ruined that for you. I'm sure you're good though. But you drink beer, right? I'm all right. Do you drink a lot of liquor? I try not to drink liquor. Yeah, I feel like you're one of those like I'll just drink 45 of ruined that for you. I'm sure you're good, though. But you drink beer, right? I'm all right, yeah. Do you drink a lot of liquor?

I try not to drink liquor. Yeah, I feel like you're one of those, like, I'll just drink 45 beers, right? Yes, but that's terrible. No, it's not great. That's really not good. But, you know, I think it's not good for, like, your health and weight and shit, but I think it's the better of, like, I drink a bottle of. Yeah, how did you demonstrate my health?

What was the act out on my health? It's like that. Mind you, this is coming from a kid who just told us yesterday that he doesn't have pants anymore. What was the act out on my health? Mind you, this is coming from a kid who just told us yesterday that he doesn't have pants in him. I don't fit any of my pants, bro. I'm skinny fat, and it's just getting to be like fat fat. That's where you got to make the turn. Fat fat is significantly better than skinny fat. I agree. Skinny fat is disgusting.

You don't be like khaki fat. Yeah. Khaki fat. The manager butt. The worst. I've said this for years. Some of the guys here who are just bigger, but it's just like, you're kind of like barrel chested and you're just a big guy where I'm like lumpy and gross, you know?

I'd rather just be regular fat. But trust me, I'm trying. I'm surprised Barstool didn't make the turn to all of them having manager butts. True. You guys did pretty good. You were young men, and then you all got kind of big financially and successfully. There's a good chance you could have got manager butts. That's what pleading khakis are for.

Manager butts is when you gain – we've seen it a million times at comedy clubs. That's what happens. A guy who works the door or is a bartender, when he gets promoted to manager, he gets fat. Literally within a month. And they get a fat ass yeah they get an office fat ass like victorian women i mean we all have restaurant managers the worst managers they get manager button and it's just like dude it's you know you pleaded kh? The front goes flat and you know you bribed. He turns Chino and it's like, I've made it. When they have that automatic wedgie,

is that part of it? You know when it just kind of always up your ass, right? They only have their old khakis. Right. They're just blowing up into these fucking khakis. Your ass starts inhaling Diggle Boys, dude. When I was in college, I worked at a GNC which comes up in oddly often amount of time and and I had this fucking manager who's big guy

we fat the whole time I knew and same thing like he wear the black pants the GNC black pants with the red polo and then you know he'd pull the pants up like above the belly button to kind of hold the stomach in. I do like that move. He still had, like, the look of, like, strong because he's a bigger guy. And then one day, he's like, and he had the exact management of what you're talking about. And one day, he's, like, sat me down. Like, we have a real conversation.

He's like, you may have noticed I put on some weight. I was like, nah, man. Like, I don't know. You look good. He's like, I've been having a hard time. I've been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly before bed. What a fucking. Eric, what are you talking about, man?

You're probably like a 21-year-old kid, right? I was like a 19-year-old kid who woke me up from a nap in the back room to tell me this. There's nothing more uncomfortable than a manager opens up to you at a weird job you're like i don't want to be involved in a person like that at all i'm gonna make like minimum wage and get the fuck out of here as soon as possible i had a boss do that to me one time you kind of need it you kind of need it because that was like the opening like oh boy i could be 50 and like really sad yeah that's a scared street for fucking. He'll bring you in the way, I fucked my life up on meth. And you're like, no.

What did your boss tell you about? He fucked his life up on meth. Oh, yeah. Told me all about it. Which boss was this? This guy. He used to work for a pool company. And he would do, apparently, to the other guy, he, like, got naked in front of him.

So, luckily, he didn't fuck with me. He, like, showed his ass to somebody we worked with. It a big deal like is it like hole or cheek his butt cheeks I look at you go there you're in his apartment though he would bring us so we were here we were at a pool company we will leave we would finish all of our maintenance calls and he was like the manager so he would take us to his house and we would play Tiger Woods golf and smoke weed that's awesome so I think he was trying to trap me. Absolutely, dude! No, you are describing...

Did Chris Hansen come out of the closet? He wasn't that old, that was the thing. He was only like 28. Oh, alright. Okay, so then he just definitely wanted friends. At least he wasn't... He showed his ass to the other guy. I don't know. The other guy holds it down like he tried to fuck him. He just showed him his ass't know what's, I mean, at least it wasn't, I don't think I'm fucking. He showed his ass to the other guy. I don't know.

The other guy holds it down when he tried to fuck him. Wait, he just showed him his ass? He was like, I'm changing my pants and he came out and showed his ass. You're so lucky

you didn't get fucked by that guy. He could have got me. It's funny though, that guy was clearly, I would imagine goofing off. The other guy was like, what are you fucking

trying to fuck me? He warned me about him. This guy about some type of queer or something i saw about it he's like did you ever do some weird shit with you i was like not really he's like you're trying to fuck me how good was that dude there's a club manager it's my it's my favorite story so there's a club manager me and him were hanging out we're drinking after a show and then he was like some comics come through and try to have sex with me. I was like, wait, what? I was like, who? He's like, I'm not telling you.

So I remember he said that. So then he and I were driving to Austin, Texas the next day. And we're in the car. And I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking suck your dick. And he was like, don't fuck with me. He was serious. He was like, don't you dare. Not again.

I promised myself I wouldn't. He was like, dude, don't fuck around with that. It was like it was me and was like don't you did not again no i promised myself i wouldn't he was like don't fuck around with that it was like it was me and him we just met we're in the car we got another like hour and a half this guy was furious and then another time me and him are hanging out it's me and him in another comic all right so then i go to bed and him and the other comic stayed out at like three in the morning I get a text and I don't know how to say the comic's name but he was like so and so that fucking fucking tried to fuck me

and I got that text I was like dude no one's trying to fuck you stop the guy was probably being friendly he was like fucking piece of shit everyone's trying to fuck me imagine just going through life convinced that everybody and anybody is trying to fuck you at Wow. Imagine just going through life convinced that everybody and anybody is just trying to fuck you at any moment.

Anybody being nice to you, you're like. How old was that guy? He was young, but I don't know. I can't tell if he was joking because he was funny. He was like a cool guy. But he did spaz. I don't know. It reminded me of one time at football.

That time I farted. I was in an offensive line camp It was me and another We were in a college dorm And I farted And the guy was like We're not doing that We don't do that I was like wait

Are you serious? We're in a football locker What? We're offensive linemen That's what we do We fart and block That's our lives This guy

He hit me with the same energy I was like I'd like to suck your dick And he's like Don't fucking say that We don't do that in here. I wish I had that in me, though. What, to get mad?

Just be like my dad with gay stuff. Like, no, fuck all you doing. He doesn't fuck around. Come on. If you were to soft touch my dad's nipple, he'd fight you. I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, we don't do that. Some guy, like there was a chain text.

My dad and all of his friends do construction. And they have the messages they get. And somebody in a chain text sent my dad my dad and all of his friends do construction and there was like they have like you know like the messages they get and somebody in a chain text send them a picture of his sent a picture of his balls and my dad called the company it was like you got some guy down there he's trying to fuck i don't know what he's trying to do funny business funny business no funny stuff i don't know if he's trying to fuck guys if he's weird like that but he sent me a picture of his ball it's like yeah went out to everyone as a joke, and he couldn't, he was like, what's the joke?

That's his balls, that's gay. I think we might be the first gay generation. Yeah, for sure. Of like bros that are like, grabbing each other's dicks. Yeah, it's fine to be gay. It's a cycle, it's a cycle. It's a late Roman Empire.

At least for the young. Yeah, it's the latest. Late Roman Empire. Laughing and wrestling. Yeah, we used to say that, like the Greeks, the Greeks were fucking everybody

the Greeks were it was straighter to the gate the Greeks invented butt sex yeah it was like I'm gonna fucking tackle this dude and fuck him

I think it was almost more like they invented butt sex there's no way they invented butt sex I could have come up with that one there's a few inventions

I'm like I could have it got there butt sex is one of them that's about it I think the Greeks were the first people to butt fuck it cannot be why not I think the Greeks were the first people to butt fuck. It cannot be.

No, I think somewhere in some dark cave in our 100,000-year-old college. I don't think so. I think back in the day it was so – I think they were the first because it's not biological. You know what I mean? It's not – when it was just caveman shit, they were just like, we fuck pussies to get pregnant. I think butt sex was like, I'm so rich and powerful, I'm going to fuck you in all your holes. No, I think back when all our ancestors...

Guys were gay forever, probably. True. Probably some gay cavemen. When does Greek start? I'm looking for it right now. It was probably Egypt. Egypt's old as fuck, and China's old as fuck.

China's just butt-fucking. China's just Asian guys butt-fucking since the Ming dynasty or some shit those little boys dude 300,000 years ago doll one of those boys up dude you slide in the butt dynasty

the butt this this sentence the word mania really kind of grabs me the ancient Greeks weren't the only people to have a mania

for portraying sex acts in clay like I don't know they don't have to go that hard. That's why they maybe didn't invent it, but they certainly popularized it. They put it on the map. They put it on the map. It's like, we get it, guys.

We fucking get it. They probably weren't butt fucking. They invented porn. I'll give them porn, then. They're making clay pots. Shout out to the Greeks for porn. Yeah, like, you know, they walk so, like, Mike Adriano could run.

A lot of butt fucking. So you think, if you were back in the day, you would have been the guy to be like, you know what, let's try it in that hole. Yes. You would have been an innovator.

I feel like it just happened. I think dudes didn't realize they were having sex with vaginas until, like, 2,000 years ago, maybe. They probably just fucked chicks, like, wherever they could having sex with vaginas until like 2,000 years ago maybe. They probably just fuck chicks like wherever they can fuck them. They just close their eyes, ram it, and wherever it slides in. Sex just started becoming voluntary like maybe 1,000, 1,500 years ago.

I think that. I think that 50 years ago. It's being generous, yeah. A lot of it's not voluntary today. There's no way they knew where they were lining up. They were just like. That's great. For some reason, the first thing that came to my mind was like the Braveheart scene. A lot of it's not voluntary today. There's no way they knew where they were lining up. They were just like, that's a great... For some reason, the first thing that came to my mind

was the Braveheart scene. And they're burning down the town. That dude didn't know where it was going. Yeah, he wasn't lining it up. Oh, oh. That Braveheart scene. Remember when the riots going on? That old guy still tries to rape Braveheart's wife.

Yeah. Props to that. Just in the middle of a battle. Like, oh, shit. guy still tries to rape Braveheart's wife? Yeah. Props to that. Just in the middle of a battle, like, oh, shit, I'm going to get some pussy, dude. Now's my chance. There's pussy out here. Think about it. That's when you get to fuck. All the guys are busy.

I'm going to get laid while they're chopping each other up with axes. That's a big moment to be like, damn, everyone's out here fighting, but I'm getting pussy out here. That's original as hell. That guy loves when they go to war. Yeah, you gotta go to the front line. I'll be behind the hut over here fucking Braveheart's wife. You gotta be crazy to fuck Braveheart's wife. That's a bad move.

That's a bad beat. That's a bad beat, dude. That's a great movie. Clear grudge holder. Yeah. He's not gonna let that one go for a long time. Bro, when he slips out one guy's throat. Oh, yeah.

Like no fucking shit talking at the end. He just throws him up against that post. He must have felt like the guy who ate the bat and started this whole thing. Once the war with Scotland started, people were probably like, how the fuck did this even start? Sorry. Sorry, I raped this guy's? Sorry. Did anybody do something to piss off the guy they call Braveheart? Oh, about that

I fucking wipe, yeah. Which, mind you, they still vote against freedom every couple years. Like, Scotland just voted against it. They were like, you want me to run a country? Oh, fuck. That dude was playing loose. He didn't consult any of us before we got into this.

They got to show those people Braveheart every time they go for the vote. Right. Like, everybody just watch this, and then we'll vote. It's like when you go to a museum, and it's just kind of like a little silent film, like, playing in, like, exhibits. Just having the voting booths. This is how you should be thinking, you fucking losers. Yeah, Ireland's kind of caved in hard, too.

You see their guy? Their leader? No, they're always... Have you ever seen him? No. Oh, Ireland's kind of caved in hard, too. You see their guy? Their leader? No, they're always... Have you ever seen him? No. Oh, it's incredible. DeVito. He looks like Ireland.

They literally have a leprechaun for a leader. He's got dogs. He posted a Christmas picture. His dogs are bigger than him. No. Get up. It's Irish fan DeVito. It's unbelievable.

But he's that small? He's working up on his Irish... He's a wee man. He is a his Irish... He's a wee man. Prime Minister. He's a wee man. He's just a wee man. Yeah, Irish Prime Minister's a dog, right? I know their health minister got caught grabbing butts in his office.

That was big. Yeah, he got... Someone put a camera in his office. Was that Dr. Fauci and he was grabbing butts? Yeah, it was Irish Dr. Fauci. He really is DeVito. Holy shit. Look at that.

Look at that fucking guy. What are they, prime ministers? Yeah, prime minister. Oh, my God, dude. I didn't realize he was that fat. That guy rules. He is middle-earth. He kind of looks like the penguin.

Well, Danny DeVito when he was a penguin. Jesus Christ, yeah. And he loves his fucking dogs. And then there's the British dude. They keep trotting him out. Boris Johnson. That hair. Boris Johnson's legend.

I was talking to you about that. I mean, that hair is just, how do you, I mean, it looks like he just is doing it on purpose. It's the ultimate, it is on purpose. It has to be on purpose. I mean, come on. You can't just wake up and look like that. I said it about Brandon Walker and Jeff Daniels. It's picture day.

Yeah, it literally looks like a poor kid at picture day. Yeah. Just like your mom's not cutting your hair. I used to say it about Brandon Walker with the same hair, and then it looks like he cuts his hair with a fork and knife. Like, it looks. And you're the tippity-top, man. That's actually more about the people who voted for him.

European politics. It's like, It's not real They have like prime ministers They were wearing The powdered wigs Until like They still do 20 years ago

They still wear the powdered wigs I'd vote Powdered wig Yeah I feel like that That's better than Yeah That makes it feel

Gentlemen culture Proper Dude have you ever seen Like the fucking When they have I forget The house of commons When they're just screaming It's like the fucking when they have I forget the House of Commons when they're just screaming

Like roses. It's like the fucking seller. It's like eight miles like And then where's the one that used to always used to blog them all the time we're like people like fight Europe would just be like in the middle of a vote. There's like a sneak somebody. Start a brawl. I think it was Ukraine. Yeah, Ukraine would be throwing chairs. It was like ECW and throw chairs in the rain. Holy shit. Holy shit. It was like a parking meter vote.

There's always a lot of hairy forearms flying around those things. What's the last thing you want to see? Fucking hairy forearms. Kevin Arnold's dad. It looks like Kevin Arnold's dad's fighting. The scariest, meanest fucking. Fucking hairy forearm. Kevin Arnold's dad. It looks like Kevin Arnold's dad's fighting. The scariest, meanest fucking guy in the world, Kevin Arnold's dad. I used to watch that show and be like, this dad just beats these kids. He used to scare me, that show. Did he beat them in the show?

I feel like it was implied. I feel like it was him and the dad in a Christmas story. I was always like, these dads are fucking scary. Who's Kevin Arnold? From Wonder Years? A little before me. Yeah, I didn't see it either. It's Fred Savage and his brother Wayne,

and the dad was just so fucking mean. Yeah, he's mean as fuck. You would know the dad if you saw him. He's like a mean actor guy. He'd be like, yeah, that guy's mean. He's scary. He's probably in the Fast franchise somewhere. Probably a bad guy or something like that.

Fuck it. He probably directed it. No. It surprises me. Really? I feel like I could see you guys. Yo,. You probably directed it. No. It surprises me. Really? I feel like I could see you guys Yo, bro, you look like a Fast and Furious guy, dude. I look dumb as hell.

You look like a Fast and Furious guy, Shane. With the guys watching Fast and the Furious and being like, No, it's family, bro. Last night I did put on Jack Reacher. I told O'Connor, I was like, Yo, Jack Reacher fucking rules.

Where do you see this? I haven't seen it since 2012. I put it on. It sucks. You can't believe how bad it is. I love bad movies I couldn't get through Jack Reacher. I was watching it. It's so bad.

I was watching it. My dad was watching it. My dad watches horrible movies. And I thought it was Mission Impossible for a second because it was Tom Cruise. Yeah. And as we were watching for a few minutes, I was like, I don't remember this one. This is bad.

It doesn't make any sense. And they're like, we need to get Jack Reacher. And I was like, oh, okay. It's truly, it's like MacGruber. It's like, except they're being serious. It's like a book series, right? There's a ton of Jack Reachers. Who the hell is Jack Reacher?

And the guy breaks out a portfolio. He's like, he got the Medal of Honor in Iraq, served in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Balkans, you name it, this guy's been everywhere. He's off the grid. We can't find him.

The DA goes, how are we going to find this guy? Then the door opens and goes, there's a Jack Reacher here to see you. And he walks and he's like, what's up guys? He's like, oh my God.

I can't believe how bad it is. Do they have a scene in that movie where they give him weapons and he checks them and he's like, of course. That's my favorite part of that movie. Yeah, I was watching it.

I was watching a stipend. He just stepped up and the guy was like, if you can hit three out of five, I'll give you the information. Me and O'Connor called. We were watching it. I was like, I guarantee the guy he interviews at this gun range is cleaning a gun and not really looking at him. That's, of course, what he was doing. He's like, I need to know if you've seen this guy. The guy was like, what's it to you?

And then O'Connor was like, he's going to have to make a shot to get the info. That's of course what he was doing. He's like, I need to know if you've seen this guy. The guy was like, what's it to you? And then O'Connor was like, he's going to have to make a shot to get the info. That's exactly what it was. For real, the guy goes, if you can hit this bullseye, I'll let you do it. I mean, you can't believe how bad it is. He misses the first one badly, and then the next three are like, bam, bam. Robert Duvall is the other guy. He's like, oh, shit. Divergent series is like that.

I don't know what that is. They get a new weapon. It's just a crazy, shitty movie. It's like a sci-fi shit. Yeah, but they get weapons,, shit. Yeah. Divergent series is like that. I don't know what that is. They get new weapons. It's just a crazy, shitty movie, but it's like a series. It's like sci-fi shit. Yeah, but they get weapons, and it's the same thing. It's like, these are future weapons. The guy's like, and they're sending drones around. It's so funny.

That's the same reason I can't like the new Spider-Man. Everyone's like, that's cool. I haven't seen that one. It's going to suck. I watched it. I liked the first one. I hate Spider-Man. It might be the worst.

Salt to sell. It's a hot take, bro. It's a little. Every time he's like, whoa, this new suit's cool, man. Oh, man, I can get used to this. The Peter Parker thing, you kind of. He sucks. Like being the goofy kid.

Oh, wow. This is. This really? You're going to get canceled again. Yeah, this is it. This is worse than last time, dude. I'm kind of with you a little bit. I do think like the.

I was re-watching the first one. I still haven't seen the third one, but I wanted to go see it. So I was like, I'll pop the first one on. And I kind of stopped paying attention halfway through. I was like, it's kind of a little pussy. This isn't grabbing me like it did back in 2017. But you were going so hard. Most people think he's like the GOAT.

The reason I'm going to get in trouble on this is because black dudes love superhero movies. Yeah, big time. If it was just white dorks, I'd be fine. Well, especially once they did the Spider-Verse and they made that kid Miles. Now they had a black Spider-Man, and then you're really fucked now. Now you're big time screwed. He sucks. Every time.

When are they doing black Spider-Man? They did a cartoon one, but in this new one, at one point, Jamie Foxx. It's cracker-ass Peter Parker. Yeah, but at one point in the new one Jamie Foxx goes like I bet there's even some black spider man out there in the universe I'm like oh

so they're doing that shit he said that yeah so they're definitely literally like almost verbatim it'd be funny if he just said that and they were like fuck we gotta fucking

write a holy character you good if black spider man was just a regular guy with athleticism he was just wearing a sweatsuit sprinting all the buildings he'd just jump high

yeah yeah there's I watched it I got a bootleg with athleticism. He was just wearing a sweatsuit, sprinting off buildings. Did he jump high? Yeah, there's... I watched it. I got a bootleg copy of it, so I watched a shitty-ass version at home, and I don't know if that takes away from it. Why? Because I don't want to go to the movies. Somebody was like, you can watch it right now. I was like, okay, I'm just going to watch it right now.

It was bad. I mean, it was watchable. But there's a scene... You know how there's all three of them in this one? I don't. Oh, wow. That's almost impossible not to know. Yeah. That's insane. I had no idea.

All three Spider-Mans? Where are you guys, like, living? We don't watch Spider-Man. Shane's like, it's fucking bowl season, dude. I don't watch Spider-Man. Like, you guys just watch throws, right? Pulling up YouTube videos, watching pulling up youtube videos yeah pretty much yeah we watched yeah we watch youtube compilations that is fun though pretty much when you were

tweeting about that i was like i can feel that when you when you yeah when you're like fucked up and you go down a hole of like watching like dunk contests or just watching guys air it out or watching big hits like yeah big hit compilation i mean you can do that for like the link and it's like 3.30. Yes. Holy shit. I got to go to bed, man. What do you watch?

You watch Wild Shit. I just watch Lord of the Rings. Pretty good. Oh, nice. I watch that again. I watch Will Smith's Welcome to Earth on Disney Plus. That's good. Nobody's watching.

What is that? Independence Day? Dude, I'm in the weird. It's a series on Instagram. It's a series, but I just read Will Smith's book. Will Smith's having an existential crisis. Yeah, big time. I'm not attacking him. Well, his wife is just fucking young dudes and telling the whole world about it.

And he's like, would you shut the fuck up, please? Yeah. Then he went and did ayahuasca like 15 times. Yeah. Yeah. It's not working. So now I'm just obsessed with it. Did you watch Welcome to Earth?

What is it? Just him being like, we're in a volcano. He's like, this might erupt, right? And they're like, yeah. He's trying to die, bro. He's trying so hard to volcano. He's like, this might erupt, right? And they're like, yeah. He's trying to survive, bro. He's chasing death. Dude, I can't believe that

he used to be the fucking coolest cat in the world. He still is, dude. He's in a slump, dude. I just watched I Am Legend. Got me on the plane, dude. I cried on the plane. The dog's horrible. If it can happen to him, it can happen to any of us.

Why even try to be cool or successful if fucking Will Smith can't even be happy at the end of the day? Yeah, well, the problem was he did After Earth. After Earth was the... Killer. You know what the problem is? It's his kids. Well, he had...

He had that weirdo kid and was trying to... Well, that's what happened. That's upset. Matt, listen to the audio book, dude. Matt loves Will Smith. I listened to the Will Smith audio book. What happened was he was too much of a competitor. It was alienating himself from his family

And then he was like Alright I'll be cool we'll just do whatever movie It'll be fun and then he did After Earth Dead serious comedy Too much of a competitor And then he did After Earth He brought his son into a negative limelight The whole world was like

Your son sucks And his family turned on him. That's crazy, dude. You talk about Will Smith, I talk about Tom Brady. He's just a competitor, man! He's out there grinding for the game! He went too hard. The kid was cute in the

Just the Tourist video, and then he became a rich kid teenager who was... He's off the book. Well, where does, where does, let's start with podcasting.

You had to be 14, you did a blockbuster and everyone was like, that guy sucks. Yeah, if you think about internet comments, we're adult men.

Right. He's like a little kid. If I read internet comments, I'm still like. Imagine if you were 14. A little kid. And like, and you get thrown into,

you know, usually a 14 year old is not the star or doesn't get the big movie or the blockbuster, but your dad just fucking puts you up there. Like, he was not ready for that shit. You need to do a couple, like, little shitty movies first. What kind of blame does Scientology get in this book? Yeah, he did that for me.

He didn't talk about Scientology at all. That's fucking bullshit. You get fucking, you get disappeared. Didn't he, like, didn't he fucking, like, didn't he, like, fund a school? Like, if you're that into the mix I don't think he's that deep

I think he was trying to find there'd be smirch in your it's fair it's his own past how about that I think

I heard a rumor and it kind of makes sense that there's less revelation that he's actually gay and in the closet and struggling because that story

about how he threw up every time he fucked a girl yeah that was kind of like red flag, right? Zach did that. There's nothing gay about that.

Grown up after he crushed pussy straight as hell. Nothing wrong with that. It's like a dog that drinks too much water. Like it gets so much pussy. The thought of Will Smith just being like Having some beautiful chick Like bent over And he's just like Fuck Dude

I actually I respect the hell out of that You've been fucking so much Like this is Like Didn't he say like He found himself disgusting He's like

I'm such a vile creature That was when he was Doing the music thing exclusively Right His Big Willie style His Way before Big Willie style He was fucking even when he was

Parenting Got it Way before Big Willie If I was a chick I don't know You was fucking even when he was a parent. I don't understand. Got it, got it. Way before Big Willie. If I was a chick, I don't know, you don't even swear in your songs. Like, you may get a conscious effort to not say fuck in music. Well, his original, well, that was because of his grandma. But his original, his original, dude. What are you guys, live under a fucking rock?

Too busy watching Spider-Man, dude. So his grandma makes him not curse. Yeah. Did you think his grandma influences the rest of it? Do you think he's having trouble with sex because grandma- No, no, no. He got cucked, dude, early on. When he was a big-time music person, he had the love of his life.

Tupac. And he was turning down all the- No, no. This is way back. This is when he did- Even before summertime. Okay. And then he went on the road, made millions of dollars, came home, and his girlfriend

from Philadelphia cucked him. Cucked him. So he was like 20 and he just got fucked him up. That's when he started having sex and throwing up. But then he also, when he found Jada, he was in love with her, but Jada was like, Tupac is my one and only love of my life. And he was like, I'll never be Tupac. Luckily, that one got taken care of.

That's what she was saying. He claims they never did anything. That Jada and Tupac never did anything. I don't think Tupac was just hanging out with Jada, like, let's be friends. He's Tupac. Tupac, there's some allegations about him being a... Oh, yeah, the bathtub is symbolic.

Sweet boy. If you see a rapper in a bathtub on an album cover it means they got blown out you ever get into rap illuminati the gay illuminati was wrapped yes dude every rapper you know sweet is there a picture of tupac in a bathtub i guarantee it yeah and that that's like a code for like it means it just got blown out we don't give we don't give the hip hop community enough credit For like kind of starting the conspiracy Whoa whoa

That's the gayest picture of all time I don't know how I don't know this Infamous Tupac Rare footage of Tupac's infamous bathtub photo shoot Tupac naked with like Just gold jewelry covering his He's got a gold diapy on Yeah that's exactly what it is

a diapie I can't believe he's almost lucky he got fucking killed because if you try to fucking yeah man come on

could you imagine being like could you imagine being like in a rat beef and this is out there I can tell that how did Biggie

and them not be like I can tell that that picture is gay because it made me feel something. Yeah, a little flick in the dick.

You know what I mean? I'm like, hey, that guy's gay. Why is he making me feel like that? This guy trying to fuck me. Yeah, I'll suck your dick.

Yeah, dude, you got to get into the rap. And Pac had beautiful eyes. True. He was, yeah, He was a hot dude. He was an actor. Pac was hot.

He was a sweet actor back when he knew Jaden. Went to fucking art school. Yeah. That's where they met in art school. Wild, man. Yeah dude. How about this one with the bubbles? Uh huh.

Let me see the bubbles dude. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the fuck is this? I can't believe I'm looking at this. I'm like, is this a deep fake? Are you fucking with me?

Even thugs like bubble baths. That's symbolic, bro. We got blown out. They did a really good job of keeping that under wraps. Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. All right, so Tupac, how fucked? What'd you find out?

Just doing shows of black comics. They get into the deepest conspiracy holes. They were in it way before that. All right, so wait. If a rapper's been in a bathtub, that means he's got blown out? On an album cover. Just got blown out. No, that's blood, dude.

Eminem got blown out, dude. Eminem got blown out. Some of the execs, bro. I don't know. Okay. Whoever put his EP. His manager. Because we've also got, I think DMX was in a bathtub full of blood.

No, that one, I'm flushing my flesh, blood, my blood. He's just on the cut. No, he's just saying. No, but I'm pretty sure. Don't put X in the bathtub, dude. Do not say X. X hated hummus. That's him in a fucking bloody bathtub.

He was very explicit. He said, doesn't that make sense that he would be like, fuck these fags, but I want to fuck them? Maybe. Is that confirmed, bathtub? That looks like a bathtub, bro. Man, he just died. Why are so many rappers in bathtubs? Because they're getting blown out.

That's the rule. But now that I've learned this, this rule 37. Will Nas X in a bathtub. That would be so funny. If every rapper can find Will Nas X in a bathtub. And we'll confirm this. If every rapper except Will Nas X is in a bathtub. We'll confirm this. Yeah, he's in a bathtub. I guess it's a hot tub.

That's not even like a photo shoot. That's just like me in like a Instagram. I'm just going to get this out there. That's nightly. There better not be photos of me in the tub nightly. I was going to get this out there. That's nightly. There better not be photos of me in the tub. Dude, how about this one? How about this one? Whoa.

That guy got blown out. That guy got blown out. You're the cop, bro. You got in the bathtub? What the fuck is this? It's the return. Who got you? That's full of Sour Patch Kids.

That's about 2,500 Sour Patch Kids. That's me in a tub of gummy candies. That's straight as hell, dude. There's going to be a sex tape of you and somebody else that works here. That means you got molested by a kid. He's definitely been molested. Mr. October, though, bro. Mr. October.

Feidelberg in a tub with fucking... Dude, I can't believe you. Yo, this whole time I hadn't even considered that. You're on a calendar in the tub, dude. Every black dude on earth is like, yo, that guy's gay. Black dudes know. You're in a tub. Yeah, no, you're gay, man.

I mean, you're gay for so many reasons, but this is official. I've had the gay stigma really on my heels for a while now. It's not even a stigma, dude. It's nice. 2022, dude. That's stigma. What's the word I'm looking for here? Gay tag.

People call me gay. That one's been on my tails. Really? Yeah. Why are people doing that? Probably gayness. What have you done that's... Nothing really.

Nothing like... He likes to dress well. He... Really? Yeah. I'm like... I've never seen you dress well I mean that Bro I'm in fucking He's gonna be upset

I'm in black watch Black pants right here This is like You know this is like Dressing well These days That's like a fucking $300 hoodie

And like Nice pants and shit Really Really That might be Will Smith would wear this hoodie, that's for sure. That's probably the most offensive thing anyone's ever said to John. A genuine, I don't think I've ever seen

you dress well. I don't know what dressing well is. No, you got a nice free sweatshirt on though. I only wear free sweatshirts. I thought they were matching for a second because of the black and white. Are we just repping Zany's today? What's going on here? What's SDI? Don't worry about it, bro.

This dude can't talk about that, dude. It's Matt's family's trash company. All day. Take care of your services, dude. Yeah, but it's more just like his entire lifestyle, because like you said, we're the gay generation, so he just lives kind of gay. Yeah. Also, it's like, who do you think is the hottest girl in Hollywood?

He won't have an answer. Who do you think is the hottest girl in Hollywood? Like, he won't have an answer. Who do you think is the hottest guy? We'll give you, like, a dissertation. I think I'm kind of with you on that. I could answer hottest guy

before I say hottest lady. We've done lists of, like, top 50 hot guys and hottest girl. I'm like, oh. It's just because we're straight as hell, dude. Totally.

So it's like, they're all beautiful. It's like all the beautiful girls. Guys, there's only a couple guys. I'm like, damn, what's he up to? Yeah, are there still

celebrity crushes? I checked out, like, Suzanne Somers. That's like the last. Yeah, there's only a couple guys. I'm like, damn, what's he up to? Yeah, are there still celebrity crushes? I checked out Suzanne Somers. That's like the last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. That was a... She was... Yeah.

What was his name? Patrick Duffy? He was just talking about getting blown out. He was fucking that chick. I don't know who I liked. Back in the day? Yeah. Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker when I was a young man.

Ooh, you like SJP. That's because that was the closest thing to porn. You missed the big, bro. I wasn't. I was the other man. That's because that was the closest thing to porn. I wasn't this big guy on a Peloton. I was the other chick with three names. Jennifer Love Hewitt. That's my one. Hilary Duff.

Hilary Duff. I used to watch the Liz Stevens. The Lizzie McGuire movie, me and my buddy would watch that in my parents' basement and pause it when she got to the fountain because there was a little shot of her ass. Did you guys beat off? Y'all fucking pounded. Watched that in my parents' basement and paused it when she got to the fountain because there was a little shot of her ass. Really? She got mad at you.

Did you guys beat off? Y'all fucking pounding. Did you? No. O'Connor fucked me up, by the way. O'Connor's out of control. That was crazy. He was talking about how he sucked his friend's dick when he was five.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that really stuck with me. I've been talking about it for weeks because I'm like, for real, though? Did you? He told that story. Yeah. So we were doing an open mic together, and he went on stage and did that joke. And we were standing in the back like, what the fuck is this?

That was the first time he ever told us, and it was live on stage. We were just sitting there like, dude, this is weird. Like recently or a long time ago? A couple years ago. We had known him for a while. Because he did an opening for Santino in front of Town Hall, sold out. And I was by myself, and I was looking around. I was like, anybody else?

This is intense. Because I never did any. When people are like, you know, you jerked off with your friends. I was like, no, I didn't do that. But I guess some of you guys did. But I don't think anybody was sucking dicks. So I'm looking around at the rest of the audience. I'm like, what?

Did you? Did you? Did you? And the whole audience was laughing. But I don't think so, dude. It's funny. My son is four years old. If next year I saw him sucking somebody's dick, I would have a fucking.

You'd have to kill him. Absolutely. I would kill him and myself. You've got to put him down. I'd be like, we're both just, I'm dead. Done. We're gone. That'd be crazy.

Just break in the room and just. I loved you. I fucking loved you! It is! I mean, no way I could just be like Oh, well, you know, he's going through a phase where he's five and sucking his friend's dick. I think, well, I mean, clearly it was a phase for O'Connor.

Yeah. I mean, I don't think it was a phase. Not a phase. It was just a kid just like, what's this? You gotta pop him off. Yeah, come on, guys. It's like in the dog park. Yeah. You start hopping, you're like. It is true. No.

Instead, his mom found him under the covers. I was like, this thing, this story stuck with me. It fucked me up real bad. Boys are gonna be boys, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. Let the big dog eat, man. Let him run.

Let him suck. Shit. It is. That story took me back. I remember just being like, whoa. To when you were the one sucking it? Yeah. No, I never.

The only thing I ever did was, I used to pee between a girl's legs into the toilet. Pee between a girl's legs into the toilet. I don't want to brag. That's fucking accurate. That is a sick brag. A girl would sit down and pee. That's really tough. And I'd pee between her legs while she peed into the toilet.

Family friend, dude. No big deal. Was it family friend? Are we talking cousin or family friend? Family friend. I mean, back then I didn't discriminate. How old? I must have been. It was before I moved out family friend. How old? I must have been.

It was before I moved out of Havertown, so I would have been like five. And you were accurate? No, this is a fucking lie. That's some Chris Kyle shit, dude. My goodness, this is the whole fucking bowl. No way he's peeing between. Who's to say I didn't drench the box, bro? Well, that's what I'm wondering, man.

Drench the box. This man just said, drench the box. O'Connor's off the hook. You're the five-year-old creep now, man. I was thinking you were hitting legs. You were just fucking hitting plus. Just right on the little spot. When you were like five, you could stand up and pee into a toilet.

Well, yeah. I mean, I can stand up and pee into a toilet now, but I don't think I'm really do it now I don't think I only could get tiny I pissed all over the seat everywhere every day every day and every day brother every day bro I like I like here it hitting like the fucking porcelain that I personally the fucking marble yeah I'll do the granite top I'll fucking every day every morning I'll have our sick brag The granite tops I'll fucking Every morning I'll have that conversation Where you look at the toilet and you're like

Is this the day I put the seat up I'm not gonna do it Do you pee in a pitch black at night time And you just somehow sonar line it up Well I think I do I don't know where Hear the water But it's getting everywhere else I usually in the beginning I'm not hearing the water Then I hear the water and I don't know where... Hear the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's getting everywhere else.

I usually, in the beginning, I'm not hearing the water, not hearing the water. Then I hear the water, and I don't know how far off those first few seconds. It could have just been the edge of the bowl. I hate when you hear the fucking plastic bag in the trash. I was way off. Way off. Goddamn, I'm not even close, bro. That's a good one, dude.

I know the exact noise. It's just like two or three hits. Sounds like it's raining on your fucking coat. Like, the fuck is that? When you, if you're pissing in a toilet, lights on, sober, just normal, do you just pee in the water, like middle of the bowl in the water? No, I still try to hit the rim. The rim? Yeah, like the the bowl in the water? No, I still try to hit the rim. The rim? Backwards?

Yeah, like the in-between. I paint it. I paint it. I paint the corners. I hit the top, and I kind of go around the top and let it drip down. I'm a bubblehead. I'm going for full bubble coverage. Bubble coverage is good. If you're having a frothy piss, if you're pissing Guinness,

I'm like, fuck yeah, I'll fill this thing up. Full bubble coverage. Yeah, I always go backboard, and I try to almost hit, like, right on the horizon, right where the water meets the sky, you know? That's good. That's fun. Yeah.

The door's open, and I try to go as loud as I can. That's exactly what you're going to ask. The door's open, and you've got to go as loud as you can. You can't let anybody else know you're trying to paint the corners. This dude claims he was sitting here, and he said he can hit that chair. With piss? Yes. How far can you piss? Standing?

Yeah. I think I can, dude. That's all day. I can hit. That's all day. That's light work, man. I think I can get... So we had this argument and then I went to the bathroom at the urinal there. I was able to do, I think four

tiles on the ground distance back and I was kind of impressed with myself there and then I come back here and I think about how many tiles that is

and I was like there's no fucking way you can hit that shit now that I'm thinking about it from here? I might shit myself forget about the ark forget about the ark though

that was another thing the animals in your apartment were talking about. One of them doesn't piss when they shit. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Craziest thing. What? Who said this?

Tommy or Chris? I don't know if it was Tommy or Chris, but one of them was like, after I shit, I piss. It was like, what? It sounds like a Chris. Dumb fucking. He just doesn't remember. He doesn't realize that it's all coming out at once? Yes.

Because, I mean, it's almost impossible. Also, back to distancing. He doesn't remember. He doesn't realize that it's all coming out at once? Yes. Because, I mean, it's almost impossible. Also, back to distancing. This is where having a small, straight penis comes into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you've got to put this flop thing up. Yeah, if you're a big guy, you've got to aim. I'm sawing off. I'm sawing off, dude.

Yeah. It's flying. Is it just crazy? It's flying. I feel like a girl that just shoots everywhere. The broken faucet. We've been talking about that. Like a sp girl that just shoots everywhere. The broken faucet. We've been talking about that. Like a spigot just...

That's... We've talked about that almost too much. What'd you say? Foul. Foul. That's my conspiracy theory I got. What is it? You know when girls turn on the faucet when they go to the bathroom?

That's just a rumor they started. That's just what it sounds like when they piss because it goes everywhere. Wait, girls do that? Yeah. Fuck, I do that. You put it on? When I'm dumping. When you're dumping?

Because I live with my buddies. I don't want to, you know. You care if Tommy and Chrissy are you shit? I don't know what happened. I never did it. And then as soon as I moved in with these guys, I'd do it. So you're a quick shitter then because I take my- Oh, no, I run the sink for about a half hour.

We're running out of water. It's really crazy. So you're in there for about a half hour. We're running out of water. It's really crazy. So you're in there for like a half hour just shh. Yeah. While you're like. Yes. And you're latching. Yeah.

You turn on the shower too, don't you? If I'm about to shower. Yeah, I'll do that. If I'm about to shower, I pop a shower. I've done that, but I'll like run out of hot water sometimes doing that. That's wild, yeah. It's a weird thing. Yeah, you got to start cold. Right, right. You got to run the cold until you're done showering. I have run out of hot water sometimes doing that. That's wild, yeah. It's a weird thing. Yeah, you've got to start cold.

Right, right. You've got to run the cold until you're done shitting. It's not a steam at all. Recently, I've gotten up and waddled to it to make it cold to get back. Because I still want the noise. I still want it to run. Yeah, it's part of my thing. We don't have a fan.

But I was like, I'm going to run out of hot water if I do this. We don't have a fan. That's why I turned the sink on. Dude, if you ever have kids, they'll just sit on your lap while you dump. Really? That's very uncomfortable. Tell them when they're like a year old they'll come on because you're the only one you gotta take them just you there yeah it's just you and you're like all right sit on my lap i'm gonna blow out i'm gonna blow out check me out they just like look at your penis and they're like what's that and you're like it's my penis bro taking a shit yeah please leave me yeah yo dude it's fine that's my penis it's my penis, bro. I'm taking a shit. Please leave me. Yeah, dude, it's fine.

That's my penis. That's my penis. You don't have one because you're a girl. That's right. You have kids. That's the conversation. That's what you got to do. Yeah, I don't think I've ever put mine on the lap while I'm shitting.

Really? How many kids do you have? Two. Never took a lap dump? No. Where do you put them? Like in front of me on the floor. Watch.

You cucked them. You cucked them with the toilet. I can vividly remember those little bouncy things that they sit in, just looking at me while I shit, but I wouldn't put them in my lap. I'm such a psycho, I would literally turn them around. I think I would, too. I'm sure it's one of those things. It's different when you have a kid. I'd Blair Witch those around. I think I would, too. I'm sure it's one of those things like, it's different when you have a kid.

I'd Blair Witch those kids. I'd be like, turn around. When'd you stop getting naked in front of your kids? Because you've got to cut it off. A couple years ago. You're still doing it? No, I actually... You've got to cut them off.

Especially if you're getting skinny fat, dude. You can't see a weak father. How old are they? Six and four. Dude, my dad still gets naked in front of me. He's at the fucking beach. My kids call me fat My kids are like Six and four Oh Six and uh Dude my dad still gets naked in front of me He's at the fucking beach We went to the beach

Dude it's hard to stop It's hard to stop Because you're naked the first year of your life I have finally Wait so I guess I stopped late When did you stop? I haven't stopped yet Okay good

Because my kids are going to be two Oh okay So I like I mean I'm not like doing I'm like getting naked in front of them. But like if I'm out of the shower and I'm getting changed and they come in the room, I'm not like. But I'm trying to avoid it, especially when you have a daughter. Dad and daughter think it's weird.

My son, I don't, I mean, I've like kissed in the toilet together. I did. You know, he commented on my dick the other day. Did he? What'd he say? He asked me why it's so big. Swear to God. But I mean, cause you know. Whoa, dude. It was honestly. He commented on my dick the other day. Did he? Really? What'd he say? He asked me why it's so big. Did he really? Swear to God.

But I mean, because, you know. Whoa, dude. It was honestly. That's a lie. He said, why is your pee-pee so big? And I was like, well, I don't fucking know, man. That's just how we do here, you know? Kev walked out of that bathroom chest pumped.

What, this old thing? I don't know. This ain't even a good dick day, son. Let me show you. Let me fluff it up real quick. Hang on, let me helicopter. Now what do you think of it, huh? Oh my God, I'm going to get Child Protective Services called on me again.

Again? Yeah. That was a tough week. That was a tough week. Those motherfuckers. If I ever find out who did that, I will actually kill them. Yeah, that's really shitty. And they have to come, too.

They have to. They have to come. And they very clearly realized it's nothing, but they had to. Greatest moment, though, ever was like, you would have thought I told the kids what was happening. They came running over to me randomly like, Daddy, we love you. How are you? And I was like, I would have been like, stop.

This doesn't help. Staged. Kekeke comes running over, my daddy's got a big pee pee. Let's see your pee pee, but it's not as big as my daddy's. Yeah, it's funny when you're a kid, you do think your dad has a hog. I saw it at the beach this summer.

What'd you think about it? Not great? Disappointed about it. Poor guy. Well, now it's a 65-year-old dick. I thought it gets bigger. Doesn't it get bigger? I think they get longer, but they get fucked up.

They get all weird. Like mangled? Yeah, you'll see. You'll see an old guy's dick? I mean, not like Lemon Party. I was going to say, on the internet, like not in real life. Take a gander. They get a little gnarled.

Same thing happens to like women's breasts. Women's vaginas. You ever see an old woman's vagina? I don't think so. It is chaos. It is. They get longer every year. Don't they get longer every year? It's dried up. It shrivels up like a, kind of becomes. It is. They get longer every year. Don't they get longer every year?

It's dried up. It shrivels up like a, kind of becomes. It's a thing. Yeah. Turns into a butthole. Yeah. A second butthole. A butthole that's just.

That's like what I was saying. I mean, it's crazy. Betty White was on Larry King when she was 92. And because you know how Betty White loved to fuck. Like that was her thing. What? She was raunchy about how, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, Betty White loved to dick. And so Larry King was asking her about it.

And she was like, yeah, I still. Larry, you dead dog. Larry was a dirt dog. That video of him just hanging out with Cosby, laughing about the pills and shit. Really? I didn't even see that. There's a clip of them. This is why Larry King never came on my show, He was supposed to come on my show years ago.

And then you protested. And then they found the blog. I think Smitty wrote about it. There's a clip of them, of Cosby on the show being like, and then you put in the drinks and then have a great time. And they're like, oh, oh, oh. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? You know, when I was in'm 90s, 80s.

Back when you're allowed to do that shit. Before willing sex got invented. Yeah, regularly. But Betty White was down there, and he was like, so, you know, basically, Esther, like, do you still fuck? She was like, no, because I'm old. And he was like, but would you if you could? And she was like, I think about it, but nobody wants to fuck an old woman.

I didn't say that, but she was like, nobody wants like, I think about it, but nobody wants to fuck an old woman. I didn't say that, but she was like, nobody wants to be with a lady my age. And Betty kept it real. She knows that it troubles up and becomes a butthole. Yeah, I'm going to suck when you get old. Just like, man, I wish I could fuck.

It's not like you stop loving people. We'll be on TRT. Dude, it's not a problem. We'll be on TRT and we'll be jacked as hell. We'll be able to get pussy. What's TRT? Yo, have you been watching

Testosterone? Have you seen those commercials with like Frank Thomas? I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the most ridiculous commercials. Super beta max. They're like, yeah, well watching Testosterone? Have you seen those commercials with Frank Thomas? I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the most ridiculous commercials. Super beta max. They're like, yeah, well, you're 40? Yeah, your T's getting lower.

Did that happen to you guys? Like, oh, yeah. Now my wife's fully satisfied. It's just Frank Thomas. The big hurt. And then the very next commercial is a Skechers commercial with Frank Thomas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking feet hurt.

I'm fucking my wife too much. Also, could you imagine being like 50 and being like, oh, my wife's not satisfied. No. You hate her. When you're 50, make sure your girlfriend on the side's satisfied. Yeah.

Hopefully she's dead soon. This sucks. Imagine I'm in low T. No T and you still have to hang out with a woman every day. You don't even want to fuck them anymore. You just have some lady like, we never go out to dinner anymore. Just shut the fuck up. Just fucking die.

I have no T, lady. That chemical that used to convince me you were interesting is gone. Yeah, your stories. Your stories suck. It's so true. Once the veil is gone, it's like, what are we doing here? Like, why? How do you even think I'm interested in this stuff?

Yeah, and then it's just a woman like, their house is better than yours. You're like, shut the fuck up. Oh, my God. So the relationship's going well? Yeah, yeah, it's fine. I still have some tea. I'm still listening to stories like, huh? You're like, yeah, we'll get a patio.

I've always wanted a fucking patio. You're right. I probably got to have low tea, right? We've all got to have low tea. You probably got some tea. You got some tea. I'm 36, but I'm also just like a pussy. You're your sexual prime.

This is your sexual prime. 35, 36. I mean, yeah, tea. I'm 36, but I'm also just like a pussy. You're your sexual prime. It's your sexual prime. 35, 36. I mean, yeah, I still want to fuck, but I don't know. I would bet if we did a tea test, I would. Yeah, if you say I want to fuck, I don't know, though. I thought guys were younger. I thought it was like women who got later. Women's sexual prime.

Did Will Smith write about this? Women don't have a sexual prime. They don't have orgasms. It's all fake. They're all lying. It's written by guys with high tears. Dudes with high tears. Like, and then she came so fucking hard because I did it.

Five times I asked her afterwards. We should get our tea tested for the podcast. That's a good idea. I can't even risk it. I don't even know. I'd be so nervous I had low tea. We've done a lot of that shit here at Barstool. Which might be high tea.

There's something in me that's like, I can't. I got low. Nobody can figure me out. You probably have high tea. I'm balding. I might have high tea. If you're super scared about having low tea, you have high tea. That's true.

Yeah. I don't know. That could also be a chick's like, no like, I don't want anyone to find out that I have low T. I would be pretty nervous about it. I'll do it with you. I don't want to do it, like, Barstool-wide, though. But, like, if I had the lowest T in this room, I'd be like, well, whatever.

You guys should do that annually and fire that guy. Yeah. That's a good point. That's a great idea. That would be good for the misogyny tag. Barstool Sports fires the lowest testosterone member of the team every year. Every year? And it's ritually fire one girl. Everyone starts doing steroids.

Fucking jacked. You know how sick Barstool would be if the guys all started doing roids? We go back to the golden days of Barstool real quick. If everyone was just roided up. I'm bringing the word cut back. When everybody, that was a classic. That was back when Porto had tea. I'm bringing the word cut back. When everybody, that was a classic. That was back when Porto had tea. I think he's got some tea, dude.

I've been watching, I've been checking him out. He's got tea. You think it's exogenous? He's got the highest tea I've ever seen. Probably. He's okay. I can see that. I don't know, you see the half court shots?

That was not very high tea. He got a lot of flack for that. It was online at least. You ever shoot a half-court shot? Yes. Many, many times. How short was it? The one I saw, the guy almost was close to goaltending.

That was the first one. The second one was outside the paint and at the point line. It was tough. The second one was criminal. We've all agreed that once he missed the first one, all the parties involved should have been like, eh, the buzzer, that's it, it's over. And they were like, do it again. His arms gave out.

He's got the bad shoulders. But I feel like if we did a tea test here, and they post it off on the wall, and you've got to see if you made the team, basically. Do dudes have the highest tea? Yes. Four with the highest tea. Biggest dicks.

Biggest dicks, too. Biggest dicks, highest tea. Yep? Four with the highest T. Is that true? Biggest dicks. Biggest dicks, too. Biggest dicks, highest T. Yep. I guess it makes sense. Is that true? I feel like gay guys probably have bigger dicks than straight guys. On average. Wilson, I told you.

No, there's a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Dude, I hate this fucking book. A Billion Wicked Thoughts talks about it. You hear about this book a lot? A Billion Wicked Thoughts? For a while, man. A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Wicked Thoughts?

Yeah. Really good book. Your dick's a plunger. Oh, yeah. I mean, a plunging out rhyme. Matt told me that years ago, and I was mad about it. Why? High T.

I was mad. I don't like other guys. I don't like sexual rivals. And then Matt told me about it, and I was like, you're reading all this hippie fucking bullshit. And then it just became like common knowledge. I had to apologize. Every time Matt hits me with a dumb fucking theory, I'm like you're an idiot and then in three years everyone says yeah dude new york rises at 14 inches every day rises and falls the whole city really yes water level thing it's

uh it's earth tides water has tides so does physical like rock and matter so I learned that thing about the dick scooping out the cum the fuck me up because yeah it's because I was thinking about like well I would rather just fuck a pussy that's not full of cum you know it's not your choice I mean it is my choice did someone just come in you I'm not gonna it is my choice. It's my choice. I'm like, did someone just cum in you? I'm not going to fuck you. It's definitely my choice. You couldn't tell. You can't tell, though. You would never know. Damn, we made that guy horny as hell.

He had to go whack off. Just left the room. True. You're about plunging? I'm not trying to plunge. The plunging thing bothered me because I don't want to think of my baby. You say that, but it would turn you on. If you had a sexual rival like that, you can't help it.

Your physiology will get excited. You'll get hard as hell. So let's say Shane's my rival, right? He fucks my girl and he comes in her. And then I'm like, I'm going to get so turned on because the young bull just came in my girl and I'm going to scoop it out with my teeth. You're going to be mad, but you're still going to be horny as hell.

You're going to have like, how could you do this to me? I got teeth and Shane fucked you. I can see this. You're selling me on it. I don't want to fuck a... I'm going to try to lay it down and fuck you better than you just got fucked.

You're going to try to get your sperm... Displace his sperm and get yours in. You know what we just found out about sperm? You always see these videos where they actually corkscrew. And that apparently opened the doors to all these like new things That are gonna help fertility

And all that kind of shit So sperm just tornadoes Their way to the egg Nice So fuck your Fuck your fact about New York City How about that one bitch? That's a good one

That's a good one I love facts That's high tea though That's high Oh you think you're gonna Give me a fact? Are you smart? You got intelligence?

Plunge is fact. That was a pure mushroom tip, dude. That was a mushroom tip. Little bell. Yeah, but so what I always thought was weird about that is being cut, being circumcised would be better then. Because I know when you get hard, the skin kind of comes back, but you still kind of get your tip covered.

Sometimes you're having sex pretty soft. You're getting that super-soaker action. So you would think, oh, so you think. Because I would think that an uncircumcised dick wouldn't plunge the cum as well. Oh, wouldn't plunge it. Would not plunge it as well. Probably not, yeah. Yeah, because you don't have the lip.

So that's probably why they invented circumcision. I don't know. But I would think that's true. Evolution would take care of it or something? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. I wonder why they invented circumcision. I don't know. But I would think that's true. Evolution would take care of it or something? Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. I wonder why they did that. I think that we invented circumcision and someone was like, the tip pulls the cum out.

But that's not evolution. That's doctors. I like this. I get the other guys cum out way easier. The guy who invented circumcision, his wife was just full of cum. Like, I got to make this thing a shovel. I got to figure out a way to cut this thing into a plunger.

How much do you think you could scoop out if you had to? If it depended on it. How much confidence would you scoop out? All of it, bro. I mean, I could get like... In one plunge? You gotta go down with your mouth. Three. Give yourself a hit.

You gotta swab the deck. I feel like you'd have to go in, low, and up, and then use the top along with your memory give yourself a lot of the day I feel like you'd have to go in low and up and then use the top yeah my top reverse back oh I got a you gotta yell it a little high top oh so you would scoop now no no you I'm doing the way you're describing is right this yeah yeah but Shane is Shane's really the right one you get a second oh suck it all out. Yeah, you've got to start it at least. You've got to rev it a little. A little siphon. Like fucking siphon gas. A little gets you out. Put it into a bucket.

Disgusting. Absolutely violent. I don't like it. Me, I just don't want anybody coming in the vagina I'm about to fuck. That's just me personally. Yeah, definitely. Leave that for the other guy to plunge. I don't want anybody coming in the vagina I'm about to fuck. That's just me personally. Yeah, definitely. Leave that for the other guy to plunge. I don't know.

I mean, dude, but I'm saying if you want to get really excited, just get cuckolded, dude. There's got to be something to what you're saying, though, where enough people like the cuck thing. Yeah. Where it's like they're not just sitting there fucking upset. They must be into it. Yeah, they like it.

Get you fired up. Could you be a cuck? Could I be a cuck? I don't think upset. They must be into it. Yeah, they like it. Get you fired up. Could you be a cuck? Could I be a cuck? I don't think I want to sit there and watch it happen, but I think, as you were saying, you're talking to other guys? You're talking to other guys? Oh, you want to hear the dirty little stories. Who's fucking you?

Who's fucking you? You've been sexting? You've been talking to them? You emotionally connected to them? Dude! You're asking them how his day went? I'm going to fuck you right now Girls have like guys That are just their friends

It's They're just buddies Yeah And you have to accept It's all it is dude What are you jealous I'm allowed to go out And hang out with guys

Yeah dude Exes whatever It's just their friend Imagine having And you have a girl Who's a friend Forget that shit Oh that's a problem

That's out the fucking window No chance of that But rightfully so Because Yeah I don't have it I don't think I have it I don't have it And you have a girl who's a friend? Forget that shit. Oh, that's a problem. That's out the fucking window. No chance of that. But rightfully so, because... Yeah, I don't have any... I'm trying to plunge them, too, really. I don't have any... Girlfriends. Girls I'm friendly with, but never, like, check in every day, like, hey, what's going on?

Yeah, I feel like that fades, you know, once you're... You fucking imagine. Texting some girl, hey, how's your day? Oh, my God, I had such a bad day. Oh, cool, I'm glad a bad day. Oh, cool. I'm glad I checked in. Yeah, great. I'm going to go fuck my girlfriend.

Your story got me fired up. God. When was the last time you had a girl friend? A girl that I was friends with? Yeah. Platonic friend. I don't think I ever had.

Ever did? I mean, maybe if I was trying to fuck someone. Well, that's, yeah. Real sneaky. Yeah. There's definitely girls that I'm like, throughout, like, when I was younger in high school and shit, when I was friend zoned, that I was like, you're my friend, but at the drop of a hat, if you want to fucking be my girlfriend, we'll do this. Like, I'm desperately In love with you You know The only time it happens

Is when I'm friends with One of my friend's girlfriends Yeah That's it Right right right You just see her Or if they're just You know

Horrendously ugly I could be your friend If you're really ugly And then you're probably cool You still might smash And then you're probably pretty Yeah you might smash Still yeah

There's no stopping that You might bless her High T man Yeah true High T Fucking everybody. All right, let's do Answer the Internet. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to promote this weekend at Caroline's. Oh, yeah. Yeah, come. I tried to buy tickets Thursday night. Thursday night sold out. All right, well.

Can we get some tickets? It's good I'm here promoting. Yeah. Yeah, you guys can come. We can come? Absolutely. Okay. Absolutely.

I was going to buy two tickets for us, but there was only one left. Ah, what a guy. But we're good, right? T-Test. You're there. What nights are you there? The 6th, 7th, and 8th. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Did you do two shows per night? Friday and Saturday, I will. Yes. That's a beast, no? It is. The worst is when it's Thursday to Sunday. Sunday shows have got to be tough. Sunday shows are tough.

And did you do two on Sundays? No, usually just one. I actually had this thought when watching your special in Austin. Because I think part of your act is what's so good is that you're kind of laughing along with it. Is that like acting? No, no. Well, it's just because it's fun. Right, right.

But when you see other people laughing, you're like, oh. So that is natural. You're not thinking to yourself, like, all right, chuckle right now before I was thinking, I was like, does he like perfect that? Yeah, so that is natural. You're not thinking to yourself, like, alright, chuckle right now before I deliver the punchline. No, if I'm having a bad set, I'm just up there like... What the fuck is your guys' problem? Just limp into the finish line. Not mine. Limp into the finish line on a set.

Are you still, I feel like I talk, anytime I talk to like the guys who are really thriving, I'm like, I don't believe that you guys still bomb. And all you guys always tell me, no, you still bomb. I'm like, no, you don't. Do you really? Yeah. Have you gone up there and really bombed recently where you're like, crickets? I don't believe that. No, not crickets, but it's still like.

So it's not as sharp as you want it to be, but you're not bombing. Yeah. Once you do well and you see how good doing well is. All right. So you feel the definition of bombing kind of shit. Yeah, but you can still see a table of people that are like, your whole set. Yeah. And you're just like, fuck you.

I hate this so much. I hate this. Yeah. Yeah, I can still bomb. I got it. This weekend, I had some sets that I was like, I sweated. Yeah. You can still feel that sweat.

I don't sweat on stage. And then if you're doing bad, you can feel it. You can feel a sweat. I can't sweat on stage and then Low hurts yeah, we're like a couple things don't work for like five minutes It was cool, yeah, I'm worried about that I started any time out this weekend I would start doing a Trump impression the crowd was like I'm an impression guy Anytime this weekend I would start doing a Trump impression, the crowd was like, oh, yeah, here it comes. And I was like, fuck, dude, I'm an impression guy. I'm known for one impression.

It's good, though. You do it really well. The way you explain it in the Oz specials, just say you described it that way. It's so funny. Also, I've noticed that you've been a lot more active on social media. Yeah, I'm gonna go back off I've just been drinking

Look when I tweet yo, I'm drunk. I was live watching the night I think you were in Jamaica when you were like, I'm fucking shit face Every day I'd wake up like, oh my God. Dude, the Red House one was so goddamn funny. Just wake up and delete. I usually delete like five, ten minutes later. You said like, you did. You're like, I'm going to delete all these. So I was like, I was like already like, I was like honed in.

I'm like, all right, just focus on Shane's timeline now. And then, but you've been gambling too. Yeah. You've been between that too and on the picks a lot. Getting addicted to that Yeah I think you're spreading your wings dude Yeah

I think you're just living Yeah I mean No it's all alcohol It's all alcohol Gil is like Drinking hours tweets are great Getting hammered

And being like You know who's a fucking bitch In comedy Yeah Then you wake up Just like Oh my god Oh no

I ruined it. A couple months ago, you were like, remember when you pussies tried to cancel me and DaBaby? Yeah, I deleted that. That was a good one. It got like 10,000 likes. I was like, oh no. Did you delete the Rittenhouse one? That one was up.

They all get deleted. That's an all-time. What was that one? The Rittenhouse one, I think I remember it. It was, like, seriously, how awesome is it that a 17-year-old LARPing as a troop accidentally killed a pedophile? I'm in a foreign country, and they just have stray dogs here like losers. I mean, that is the mark of a loser. Our country...

Bro, that's the greatest street of all time. That should be framed. Anytime I go to a foreign country, I'm like, dude, America fucking rules. It was in the middle of the Rittenhouse thing where everyone was like, this country's hell. I was like, you have no idea. There are stray dogs right here. There's dogs everywhere. This country stinks.

We're arguing about Rittenhouse. It's a good time. It's a great call. Because, yeah, a lot of people are very down on America right now. Yeah. And it is the classic, like, well, then go somewhere else. But it kind of is true. It's like, well, you all are fucking here for a reason.

Doing all right. It's good to criticize for growth. Growth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we just have so much. Right. And we're all like, this isn't even fun. It's like, dude, it's pretty great.

It's like Patriot fans complaining. Like Boston Talk Radio where they're like, you know, Brady only threw for fucking three touchdowns, not four. And the rest of the league, like Jets fans, are like, shut up. All right, big thanks to the Bull and McCusker. What a duo they are. I didn't really know much about McCusker. I did not either.

He is, I mean, his Will Smith obsession is unbelievable. He's got some unique character traits that make for a very funny podcast. I'll say that much. And then Shane, I've said this to Shane a million times, but I almost want people to know it. He's so humble about his comedy career to the point that he almost sounds insecure about it sometimes. He's like, I hope that was funny.

I hope that was good. I brought Matt with me. I hope, you know, and it's like, Shane, you're like probably the breakout star of comedy for 2021. You probably have like the biggest year in comedy this year. You're one of the funniest people on the planet. Believe it, dude. Believe it.

Like talking about the, you know, kind of the last voicemail, like things you do, like do as you say. You know what I mean? It's like, I would never believe it about myself, but Shane, you're fucking hilarious. So if you are a Shane Gillis fan, let the guy fucking know because he needs to hear it, how fucking funny he is. So one more interview here to wrap things up.

We got Angela Johnson on the show. So funny interview with her. Let's do it. Very nice. Yeah. Thank you. He did all right. Yeah,. Thank you. He did alright. Yeah, he did good. He did good. Even though he did

everything I said not to. I was like, just don't get me a round diamond, whatever you do. And then he did. So yay. Oh, wow. Okay. So sweet. Sorry. Bring that back up again to your husband because he's probably like, what the fuck? But I love it now. It just took me a while to get used to it. I was like, okay,

it looks like a flower, but fine. How long have you guys been married? Ten years. Oh, yeah, it took a while. Ten years, yeah. It took a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. All right, let's get into it.

Okay. I was just reading up about how you were going about the book writing process of just kind of saving things on your computer. Yes. Because I've dreamt of doing this like i just write things on my notes on my iphone same like one day one day but i've been saying one day forever and then uh i don't know if i'll ever do it you know so what was it like where what made you do it what made you be like all right like did you just have finally enough material or enough time or what so i feel, the universe, whoever will bring things in your life,

whether it be a sign, an omen, a person or whatever that will like push you forward. And so I had this document on my computer for years and years. And like you said, I would just add stuff to it here and there. And then during quarantine lockdown 2020, my agents called me and they were like, hey, I think it's time you write your book. And as soon as they said that, I could feel my spirit like almost like butterflies. Like, oh, this is it. This is the time.

And I was feeling, I was like, you know what? Yeah. Now's the time. It feels right. And then it just happened. I mean, no better time, right? You can't be on set. You can't be traveling.

Exactly. You can't do other work. You can't be traveling. You can't do other work. You can't tour. It was perfect timing. That also, quarantine was a funny time for that because it was like a lot of excuses went out the window. A lot of people who were like, I can't do it because of this or can't do it because of that.

All that was gone. Now it's like not only that, but it's more time than ever. More time than ever to eat and do all kinds of things. I loved when we baked banana bread in the beginning for a day. Wasn't the beginning of quarantine just the best? Before a lot of people started dying. So if we could do this without the mask, I would live quarantine life forever.

Let me tell you. I wish we would adopt how Spain does siesta, but let's do a couple months. Yeah. We pick one season for winter. We'll do quarantine. Yeah. Let's do that.

Nobody wants to go outside anyway. Let's hibernate for the winter. Oh, my God. The Bears got something going on. They knew something we didn't. They really know what's up. They've been doing it right for a long fucking time. I just like, once you're out of party mode and going out and hooking up and all that, it's like, well, this is great.

Yeah. And for the people who were not out of party mode and really were trying to hook up, like, I wonder what that was like during quarantine. Oh, I bet you everybody was lying. Everybody was fucking insane that they weren't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen anybody outside my bubble. I was like, yeah, right. Yeah.

Those apps were still firing, you know. apps weren't they didn't shut those down and we know how people get they're not gonna i bet like for the first how long if how long would you wait if you were young and still partying first couple weeks you behave first month you behave first i don't know man i think it would go pretty quickly especially if you're in your apartment by yourself like you get luck come on it's it's the new like have you been tested conversation it's like have you been safe are you wearing your mask yeah are you wearing your mask don't worry about the condom what about the mask are you wearing a mask uh yeah so so it was the quarantine and then did then did you write it? Or did you have help from a professional author?

Oh, I definitely had help. So I barely graduated high school. Okay. Don't even know how it happened, to be honest. I still think I just made friends with my teachers is what it was. Because I've always been- More important, I swear to God, than doing the books. Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I've always been charismatic and funny with my teachers. Whoever I'm with, I just love people. And I think I just kind of schmoozed my way through high school. Amen. And I made friends with my teachers, and they were like, let's pass you. Yeah, we'll give you a C-. We'll give you a D, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember me when you're famous is what they would say um so i don't know how i graduated you had it like that back in high school huh so people had a feeling about you

yeah i went to a few different high schools i bounced around because i i hated school that much so i just would like go for a while then i would just stop going i would just quit i was like no i don't like school and it's like no you legally like you have to go because you're not even sure your parents love that yeah so i just bounced around a lot and then in my last school i had probably one teacher that was very um supportive and encouraging and like she could see through the oh class clownness of it and she was like there's really like something special and so she would like send me on assignments to go to other classrooms and to jump up on the table and sing a song for the teacher. And like, okay, go to Mr. Rourke's class and sing I Will Survive.

And I would just be like, all right, let's go. So anyways, I barely graduated high school so I don't even know um what business I had writing a book which also leads into my title who do I think I am like who do I think I am to write a book you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah who do I think I am hits on a couple different levels to be honest so it's like who do I think I am a self-identity story like I'm Mexican Native American but I'm johnson so i grew up always wishing i was more latino than i felt that i was i didn't have a spanish last name like i didn't between not yeah not as white but not as yeah i didn't live in the hood i didn't

have no street cred that sucks when you're stuck in between because it's like i wish i was one you know if i was cool with them fine or if i was just plain old white, fine. But stuck in the middle, nobody rides with you. Like I wish I could speak Spanish. I wish I, you know, I live by the taquerias. But no, I live by Technology Row. I count the Spanish taquerias. Oh, I can order real good. Oh, I'm real good at ordering.

You memorize the essentials. Yeah, you're fluent in the essentials. Let me tell you. But yeah, so it was like it's self-identity, me figuring out all, even what I believe, like growing up Christian, what I believe today. And it's like, so who am I? Who do I think I am? But it's also, who do I think I am to dream so big, to be this little Mexican girl from

San Jose, to say, I want to be an actress. Like, I might as well say I want to be a princess. That's how far-fetched it was. I want to be Santa Claus. Exactly. We all want to be famous. We all want to be. Exactly. So it's like, who do I think i want to be a princess that's how far-fetched it was you know exactly we all want to be famous we all want exactly so it's like who do i think i am to write a book who do i think i am to go for my dreams like all all of that and um so yeah i definitely i worked with someone who helped me uh take my stories and put them in a structure that's actually uh for people they can read it and follow my thoughts.

Because I mean, I'm a storyteller. That's what I do on stage. It's very different than writing and reading and listening. And you know, there are all different types of consumption. You can follow my broken sentences when I'm talking, but reading it, you're like, wait, put a comma, girl, put a comma somewhere. It is funny though. I mean, everything you're like, wait, put a comma. Girl, put a comma somewhere. Yeah, yeah.

It is funny, though. I mean, everything you just described, I think from school to the title of the book, kind of shows where we've gone as an industry and society and all that. You don't need to be great at school. You don't need to be a certain race or whatever right and you don't even need to be a certain uh like in a certain industry like you do comedy but you can write a book yeah you do you can be on the internet you can become a boxer now you can totally once you have a following and an audience and uh and whatever you can just do you can design clothes you can sell food whatever there's no

fucking rules anymore yeah you know and it's almost it's cool but it's also like daunting in a way where it's like i don't know what what do i you know what do i do what can i do what am i good at what should i stay away from so i went to junior college for a couple years and i basically i just had to take all my high school classes over because I did not pay attention in school. So I went to junior college and they're like, OK, you're going to do math. Great. So I did a couple of years and then I moved to L.A. and I was like, I'm going to be an actress. I'm going to try to do this.

But for the longest time, I was so grateful that I didn't go to college. I was like, oh, my God, look at all my friends with their debt. And, you know, what a waste of time. I just went straight to my dreams let's go and i never regretted um not going to university but then just the other day i was watching an episode of mindy kaling's new show it was uh i forget what it's called the girls sex of life of college girls yeah yeah yeah right yeah yeah and I was watching this, and it was the first time that I thought to myself, man, I missed out on a whole season of life, a whole experience,

a whole formative experience that was, if anything, just for that, just to go make those relationships. Oh, that's what's fun about college. You know? Yeah, that show, I would imagine, I've never been a girl in college either, but it feels like it's very real. Totally. It seems like that's probably what the female experience is in college, and they do a good

job. This is what it's like with boys and girls, and this is what it's like to have roommates and all that. And I mean, that's, yeah, college is, like I always say, if I could redo college, I went to Fordham in the Bronx. All right. I don't recommend going to school in the Bronx. I grew up there.

I don't know why I didn't think, let me get the fuck out of here for a little while. I stayed home and went to school in the hood. No big sports program, no fraternities or sororities, none of that. So it was just like, it was cool. But I did meet all of my best friends. Everybody who goes to there still stays in New York. So once you graduate, it's not like you lose everybody.

So that part's cool. Wouldn't change anything because it also helped me get here. But if I could redo it again and go to a college, I'd go down south where it's nice and warm and there's big sports and you can join the frat

and it's like, you know, go to fucking Arizona State. Go to pool parties all day. You know? Where would you go to college if you could go back and do it again? If I could do it um well i'm california born and raised so like people

would come to california for the sunny you know sunny skies and all of that so i don't know i feel like i would probably go east coast because i i didn't come to the east coast until i became a comedian and started traveling so i would probably do something like that uh experience seasons i would i would try that shit yeah even though i don't like the so i would probably do something like that uh experience seasons i would i would try that shit yeah even though i don't like the cold i would still like to experience it give me some fall and spring but those don't exist anymore it's all just it's like you just go from summer to winter it sucks my first time going to pittsburgh uh i was like in my early 20s and it was going for stand-up and it was in the fall and i saw all the different colors on the leaves and i was so like enamored by i was like oh my god it's beautiful here and all the

locals were like what in a week it looks pretty right now at this moment it's about to be ugly in a week exactly and you west coast people you can't handle i mean the weather is like as soon as it's like 55, you guys are like. Oh, I know. And we rarely even get to 55. I just had my first tornado experience. Oh, wow. Where was that?

In Nashville. So we, my husband and I decided to split our time with LA and Nashville. And I was just there this past week. Like you have a home there? Yes. So we have a home in Nashville and it was about 3 a.m. And then my phone started alerting you know how it's like an amber alert yes i'm like what the heck and everyone

in the room is getting them too yeah so my phone goes and my husband's home like what is this and it's like three o'clock in the morning tornado warning take shelter now go in a basement i'm like oh my god and i'm putting like my clothes on everything. I'm like, babe, get up. There's a tornado. And he lived for years in Kansas. He's a military baby. Oh, okay. He's like, relax. Exactly. He's like, we get these all the time.

Don't worry about it, whatever. And we sleep with a sleep sound machine, so it's like the rain sounds. Wait, what do you do? We do rain. Rain, okay. Rain sounds. Okay.

Could you imagine? Yeah, marine calls all night long, just like yelling at you. It's real. So you do like the raindrops. Does it have thunderstorm, like crackling thunder or just the raindrops? Just the raindrops because then the thunder will like wake me up every time it crashes. So anyways, we have the full-on Sonos speaker loud, just rain like drowning out every noise.

And then I turn it off. And as soon as I turn it off, then you hear all the sirens outside, the tornado sirens outside the tornado sirens scary it was my first time i'd be like you and get in the basement he can be a tough guy all he wants my first well as soon as he heard the wave dorothy i'm going to the fucking basement exactly as soon as he heard the sirens then he's like oh shit okay yeah yeah let's go let's go he's like i didn't hear the sirens like was it a bad one did one come well thank god it didn't touch down in our neighborhood, but it went towards Kentucky, and they got it real bad. So scary. It was, and I got my dog.

We ran down to the basement, and then we realized we don't have any kind of anything down there. No water. You need to stay down there. You're fucked. Yeah. We're like, wow, we have nothing. Imagine the first time a tornado touched down.

Like way back in the day, nobody even knew what the weather is. All of a sudden, they're just like, what the fuck is that thing coming towards us? I wonder if since it was the first one, were they scared or were they like, let's go towards it? I think inherently you know not to fuck. It depends. Was it white people or not? White people were like, let's go analyze this. Let's go film this and learn about it.

Let's jump inside. Yeah, exactly. No, they immediately were like, oh, God is pissed off at us. Let's jump inside. Yeah, exactly. No, they immediately were like, oh, God is pissed off at us. He's throwing some weird shit our way. Yeah, totally. So Nashville, I feel like Nashville is a hot spot right now. I feel like Nashville, I would go to Nashville instead of Austin. I feel like those are two spots that people.

Everyone's going there right now. They're leaving L.A. or New York because of COVID or taxes or whatever your reason was. You got to go, but they want to stay in a city. So it's got to be an up and coming spot. Got to be a city though. And I feel like a lot of people picked Austin. Yeah. I feel like Nashville.

Not that like it's some undiscovered gem because people know Nashville. Right, right. But that would be my choice. I feel like that's the spot right now. A lot of comics who moved out of LA did that. They either went Austin or Nashville. And we went Nashville because my husband's in music, so

it makes sense for him to be there. All his writing sessions are there. We already had a house there for when we would tour. We would start out of Nashville and bus out wherever we were going, so it made sense for us to be there. But at the same time, I do love Austin. It's getting crazy though.

Is it? I just saw something that was like, it was something like 280 new residents a day or something like that. It's just like flooding in. Nashville too though. Prices and everything's going up. Yeah, I'm sure Nashville.

Nashville too. So, I mean, I wish we had bought more property before it spiked. I bet there's some people who got paid off of oh yeah the boom the past couple years or if you have like if you run like a bachelorette party company come get your like sashes and your dick straws at my at my store well because they have all these californians and new yorkers coming and to where like any person who grew up in nashville that's like whoa this house is like seven hundred thousand dollars that's a lot of money i don't know if i can afford this but we're

gonna try and we're gonna put an offer and then they have like new yorkers and californians coming going wait only seven hundred thousand seven hundred thousand down or yeah yeah exactly payment we'll take it cash real estate is i we have a guy here who, he lives in Texas. I want to say like San Antonio. Where does Chaps live? San Antonio. I love San Antonio. And all he does all day is send me real estate listings.

To move to San Antonio? No, just to rub it in. Oh. Just to be like, this is like $180,000 total. And you get like, it's a pool and a mansion and 50 acres. And it's like crazy. That would literally be like the down payments of houses around here. It's hand for it.

But you could have that right in Connecticut. Just take the train for an hour. You got it right there. Listen, I'm down. I would get the fuck out of here if I could. Everything I have, all my family, friends, everything's here. So I can't. But I would be gone, man.

You're stuck. The city. Although there is something to it. I don't know. There's something about New York. Oh, it's got a heartbeat. Yeah. It sounds corny, and I don't know how to phrase it so it doesn't sound corny,

but there just is something different, and there's a reason why everything's here. Especially for shit like this. You're a comic, and you need material, and you need a lifestyle, and you need all that shit. It's everything. It know, especially for shit like this. You're a comic and you need material and you need a lifestyle and you need all that shit. It's everything. It's the creative vibe. I feel like, I mean, touring for like 14 years now, you feel like, I feel like every city you're the type of person where you can like sense things or just be intuitive or just be like in the moment and present

and be like, oh, I feel this here, you know? I can definitely do that in different cities and I'll be like, wow, it feels sad in Tulsa. You know what I mean? Like it's just, today it feels a little off in Kansas City. What's going on? You know. But New York has always been that vibe that just as soon as you touch down, you feel creative, like you want to create something. You want to go like step outside of your comfort zone. You want to step outside of the box. You want to like think about like, OK, what can I do next? Where in other cities I tend to get real comfortable. Even Nashville, when I'm there, I get real comfortable, laid back.

That's the thing. New York, like it's kill or be killed. It's cutthroat. You got to keep going in a good way sometimes and like a toxic way. But it's also like you'll never find someone being in New York being like, I made it. I'm good. I'm sad. Also because there's so many examples of people like, no, you haven't because the guy going

up on stage after you or the guy, you know, whatever after you is 10 times as big. So keep going. But that's, I don't know. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that in me. Like I always say if I was, if I knew 10 years ago, if I knew I'd be here back then, I would have been like, oh, good. I'm happy. I made it.

Yeah. But I am not now you know it's always just more and more yeah it's always one more it's always right you know what's next though becomes a hundred more but I guess you know you're doing it like what's next a book yeah it's the what's next but also enjoying the what's now and I always wondered like I would think about like someone like Kevin Hart who's amazing and so successful and Steve Harvey. And I think I look at them and their lives and they accomplish so much. Right. Let's just take Kevin, for example, like he'll do a movie after a movie, then a show, then a sold out arena tour and stadium tour and all of that. And I would think to myself,

I wonder how he balances celebrating the accomplishment while going for more. Strive for the next one, yeah. While striving for the next one. How do you balance? It's hard. I need to know. On his level to achieve it, it's like a 24-7 grind. Right.

So you stop, you know, and rest on your laurels a little bit and that opportunity passes you by. I also can't imagine – I don't know how much more – Kevin, leave something. The rest of us – like what's next? I actually – I saw a quote from him in some like celebrity magazine or whatever. They said like a source of tmz or some shit asked him um do you want to be a billionaire and he was kind of like um that would be nice like it would be cool as a black man to become like a self-made billionaire like there's not many of us it's not about reaching that number but like that would be cool and i'm thinking like he said that like you know

like it's an option yeah right like like he will decide if he wants to yes that's the only thing stopping him from becoming a billionaire is whether he wants to do it the way that you would ask me you want to go get like dinner later tonight that'd be cool maybe you know right oh i'll think about it yeah i'll think about shit. The fact that that's even on the table for you. Yeah, exactly. He's unbelievable. He is fucking unbelievable. And I don't know whether he is this genuine or if he is just so good at the business and memory and stuff. But we've interviewed him a couple times. And he met us the first time.

And then I think we did second and third. And those second and third times, he was like, what's up, Kevin? What's up, John? How you guys been? Oh, remember this from our last interview? And I don't know know maybe somebody fed him some notes from the last time or if he really remembered it but he makes you feel like you are the billionaire you know and it's just like he could if he wanted to be kevin hart has the right to be like an asshole if he wanted to be like if i heard stories of him being like fuck this and fuck you i'd be like i get it right he's

earned that but he's the total opposite that's absolutely so genuine and he's been like that since forever i remember the first time i worked with him years and years ago like i don't know 2008 maybe um it was a show in atlanta and supposedly we were co-headlining the show. And I went first. That's what it was like on my contract. You're going to co-headline the show with a comedian, Kevin Hart. Right. And I'm like, oh, okay, cool.

And it was just like the height of like my nail salon video had just come out and it was like going viral and all of that. And I was like, okay, cool. And then when I got there and he was there with his whole entourage who was working with him even back then. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. I'm opening for you. Like this is not you're a whole different. I'm me.

You are an enterprise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is not even why they write that on my contract. That's silly. I'm going to go ahead and open for you. Right, right. And then I. By the way, like. Right. And he was very sweet to me. I'm going to go ahead and open for you. Right, right. And then I, so I did my set. Ain't no shame in that game, by the way.

Right. You know. And he was very sweet to me. I got off stage and he's like, okay, Angela, you out there making it hard for me. Okay. And I was like, all right, yes, Kevin. And then I went with his crew into the audience and watched them and they were videotaping him like on a full on, like a camera. They're videotaping him.

They're taking notes. They're like, you know, talking to each other. He'll say something and then they're likeotaping him they're taking notes they're like you know talking to each other he'll say something and then they're like writing things or talking to each other and which is exactly how he talks about how he writes his material but even back then and i remember watching and i'm by myself like i just flew out there i was just like oh it's just like 30 minutes yeah yeah i'll just fly out there real quick and then here he is with his whole team and i'm like wow i have a lot to learn. This is insane. It's amazing.

And then cut to years later, maybe this three years ago, he was doing the arena in Nashville. And my husband and I went. And after the show, he's talking to us and just giving us any wisdom that he has. Just like, what do I have that i can give you are you doing emails are you doing this yeah that's one dude i would just want to listen to you know like and he gave us so much time like actual eye contact time and i was like man you're busy like i almost feel bad taking this time right this is your like downtime go fucking see your family or just by yourself yes and he had a second show right after that and i was like wow you're pretty awesome he did i think in philly he did the

football stadium yeah on football real fucking stadium for comedy listen one man standing on a little stage probably like 75 000 people like oh my god i'm over here trying to push carolines you know what i mean i'm like yo i've only sold 100 tickets so far he sells like 100 tickets a millisecond it's just it's on such a level that is like on do you see have you seen his new uh netflix series i haven't yet it's interesting it's cool i mean it's very much about. And then I hope takes a lot of dramatic license because it's about murder. Right, right, right, right, right. But, you know, I think between that and I used to another Netflix special documentary about himself. You can tell there's a whole lot.

He has a lot of feelings about being famous, being taken advantage of. And money is not the answer. More money, more problems, all that shit. Yes. And I think he's like the answer, and more money, more problems, all that shit. Yes. And I think he's like the Oscar, all that shit, you know? But it's interesting to see that, like, here's a guy who probably is on his way to be a billionaire, and a lot of his content he's making is like,

it's not all it's cracked up to be. What would you say you, what would you define your success as? What do you mean? What would I define it as? Like, what would you, what, what? Not billionaire success. Not a money, not a money. define your success as? What do you mean? Not billionaire success. No, but is it a level of money you're looking to achieve? Is it something of family status?

Do you want to one day sell out a football stadium? Is there something that is the top for you that you want to do? There's a lot of things that would be nice. Like how Kevin was saying, you want to be a billionaire? Yeah, that would be nice, you know, but that's not the goal. There's definitely a lot of things that would be nice in my career.

But when I first moved to Hollywood to try to be an actress, there's two things that I wanted to do. Well, I was an extra on friends and still to this day it's one of my favorite jobs that i've ever had like i think of that time so fondly and i sure meaning like you were just like in the background walking by yeah i was in the background walking by for season nine and ten okay like i was in it oh i was i was making friends with the ads like the whole cast and crew like i I was like, yo, I was part of the family. I got invited to the holiday party.

I was like the only extra that was invited to the holiday party. That's because you're schmoozing your way through things. I schmooze my way through life. I have no business being anywhere that I've been. I have no business being there. I love that. And so I've always said that I want to do

a multicam sitcom. Does it have to be about my own life and I'm the one star of the show? No, not really. I would love to do an ensemble show that's just like a big hit that people love, like a Friends, a Big Bang Theory, like something to where all these characters are just beloved. Everybody loves this show. It's like you can't wait for it.

It does something to your friends and your family where you're like, oh my gosh, this is our show. I would love that in my career. That would be amazing. Yeah, that's a good one to have. Yeah. I mean, that's that next level where people remember you forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or they remember you by your name on the show or whatever. It's like that, that level of, of household name or, you know, everybody's grandma knows who you are. Yeah. That's the ultimate for me.

Was, was mad TV a, uh, like a tipping point for you? Was that like when things, or had you already like really been established by then? No, that was brand new.

That was one of my first. And here's the thing about that. So you got that like early on, honey, when I tell you, I have no business being anywhere I've been. Love it. I never once took Groundlings or Second City or any of the sketch comedy classes ever. I had taken a free joke writing stand-up comedy class at a church on Tuesday nights. I had just moved to LA.

How many of those did you do? I think it lasted about a month or two. I can't remember. All right. This is like 2006. And I was in there on Tuesday nights. They would have creative arts night at the church. And so there'd be like dance classes, acting classes,

because there's a lot of entertainment people that go to this church. So they would just cater to the people that were there. So I was in the acting class and we would do like improv games and I'd be funny in the games. And there was a woman there. She was like,

hey, I'm teaching a joke writing standup comedy class. Would you like to take my class? And I was like, is it free? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, well, I guess. Okay. Had no desire to be a stand-up comic at all. But I take her class and I was like, I do this nail salon character that I just do.

Like at cheerleading practice, I would do the nail salon character. And I was like, I think I can make that into a joke. And she's like, oh, my God, nail salon jokes are so hacky. Like everybody has a nail salon joke. I would steer clear of nail salon jokes. And I'm like, okay. Imagine if you listen to that. Right.

I was like, you know what? I don't know if anybody does it like me though, so I'm gonna go ahead and try it. Right. And so I do this nail salon joke. It ends up blowing up my spot on this brand new thing called YouTube. So it was like perfect timing of a really relatable joke that so many people

connected with and this brand new thing called youtube and it was at the time when if you got an email with a video in it you definitely watched it because it was a new thing it was like wait there's a video video and it's free and it's funny yeah and there's no commercials on it at that time like there's nothing you just watch a video forward it's free and it's funny. Yeah, and there's no commercials on it at that time. Like there's nothing. You just watch a video. And you forward it to your friends. A chain mail, all that shit. Exactly.

So it started doing that and like going crazy. And so from that, this is MySpace days, okay? I don't know how old you are. 36. I never had a MySpace. I lived through the MySpace. I just never had it. I don't know why.

Just never. I've been on everything else. But you know the era of MySpace. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And I know MySpace and the HTML and Tom and Tom Friends and all that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Your profile song, everything.

Yes, yes. So this is MySpace days. This video comes out on YouTube and my MySpace starts blowing up. Like people start messaging me from all over the world. When are you coming to Australia? When are you coming to the Philippines? When are you coming here? It's like to coming to the Philippines? When are you coming here? It's like, to do what?

This video? That's it? I have 12 minutes of stand-up comedy under my belt at this point because I just took a free class at church. I'm not even a comic. I just took a free class at church. And you got people in Australia

banging on your door. Yes. I did a set at the Ice House in Pasadena and this company filmed it and uploaded it to youtube and now it starts going crazy right so it's like when are you coming here when you're coming there and i start getting overwhelmed i'm like oh my god like what is this people know of me people this is my first time other than being a raiderette this is my first time having some sort of notoriety and people

knowing who i am like as a raiderette people didn't know me i was gonna say they know they know the uniform raiderette but they don't know like oh you're a Raiderette, people didn't know me. I was going to say, they know the uniform. Okay, Raiderette, but they don't know your name. Like, ooh, you're a Raiderette. It's Oakland Raiders is the name you say, but this is people who are knowing my name and things about me.

For your work and not just dancing and shaking your ass and shit. Yes, exactly. So I was like, well, this is crazy. I don't know what's happening. So I start getting

thousands of messages a day. Thousands. I don't even know how to handle it. I don't know how to be famous. So I'm replying to every message. i don't even know how to handle i don't know how to be famous so i'm replying to every message i don't know i don't know celebrities don't have to reply to people i don't know how to be a celebrity i'm always like thank you so much yeah where are you from what do you do i'm like what am i go on and then i start doing let me just copy paste thank you so much for the support thank you so much for the support and then people so much for the support. And then people were replying like, is this a robot?

Because you said this to me already. I was like, oh my God. Sorry, I don't know how to be famous. So anyways, this starts blowing up. I start getting messages from assistants to network executives. They're like, hey, I'm the assistant to so-and-so at CBS, Fox, fill in the blank, NBC,

Endemol Productions, like all these different production companies. Hey, I'm the assistant to so and so. They would like to meet with you. So now I'm getting meetings all over Hollywood, all over this town. At this point, I don't even own a calendar. I had to go to Staples and buy a pen and a calendar. This is before iCal. This is all.

I'm just like, oh my God. I have meetings. I don't know what to do. I'm going to these meetings. Again, this is like, who this is all I'm just like oh my god like I have meetings I don't know what to do I'm going to these meetings again this is like who do I think I am this little Mexican girl from San Jose sitting in this office with like NBC network executives and there's full-on like free pastries and I'm like we can have this for free it's home home for? Yeah, hold on. Where am I? Who am I? And so this starts going crazy. This is 2007 now. This video comes out like from January to February. There's like 4 million views on this video.

And that's like on Facebook or MySpace? So YouTube is like 06 is really when it really. It's like you're early. Early, early. One of the first viral videos as far and as a creator. Like viral videos of like we captured this silly thing on, you know, but trying to make a video. Who told you to put it on YouTube? Nobody.

I didn't put it up there. That company that filmed me that day. Got it. Thank God. So what happened was. Right, like the amount of things that need to fall into place. Yes. And people think I made a lot of money off that video. made no money off that video off that because i i signed a

little piece of paper for 25 and so they own that video i i got top ramen and gas and they got all the views but you got but i got my career open yeah i got my career so so anyway i start getting these messages taking meetings with people and I got a new agent. I didn't have an agent. I got a new manager, like all of these things. And this is coming off like I was an extra and everything. At this point, it was like I was done being an extra. I was on unemployment.

My unemployment checks had run out. Like I was at that season in my life where like everything was saying, hey, but it's time to go back home exactly like girl you gave a good shot go ahead and um so i stayed in la even though i was broke and my unemployment checks had run out i stayed in la because my sister would send me money to pay my rent and she would send me gift certificates to the grocery store and she was like no like stay like don't give up like she really like even that kept me there that company put on youtube your sister helping out with the bills church giving you some topics youtube popping up when it did yeah it's like the recipe i was telling you in the beginning when you were saying how do you know it's time to write the book i feel like god the universe will send you people

things signs omens whatever along the way to help push you in the right direction see them and know them and take advantage you gotta be in tune yeah you can't be so busy scrolling on the gram you can't be so busy out there at the bar you got to take some time to be like hold on let me tune in for a second yeah and know like now's the time you gotta like sense uh burke reicher was talking about the uh i keep saying youtube the myspace era with dane cook because dane cook told him they were friends and he was like yo you should get on this myspace thing like i'm you know i'm selling tickets and burt was like yeah okay dude like whatever and then you know dane's doing like arenas right away because of

that and he was like okay it's time to do mySpace. So if you're early on these things and it sounds like you were with YouTube, but I also find it to be so exhausting because you gotta keep, I gotta be on TikTok now and I gotta be on whatever's next. And it's like, are we ever gonna stop? Or am I gonna have to be on 25? Staying relevant is exhausting. It's the worst.

I hate being relevant. Yeah, no, Two things I really hate Is the The grind of Three things The grind of keeping Like I gotta download another And tailor my work

To their Fucking rules And algorithm The second thing Is just straight up Getting old And feeling like You know it's like

I was making fun of The 36 year old guy Trying to stay young And relevant By being on the new app And now I am that Fucking guy Yeah You know And the third thing Of feeling like the 36-year-old guy trying to stay young and relevant by being on the new app, and now I am that fucking guy. Yeah, yeah.

You know? And the third thing of feeling like it's just never going to stop. It's just going to keep going. And I don't like – it sounds bad, but it's like I used to – I liked being, like, an anonymous troll basically. Like, I liked to be able to make jokes without the backlash of the person. You know, it's like it's crazy now that I could crack a joke about a celebrity and like they might hear it or send me a message being like, what the fuck was that about?

And it's like, I'm just I'm an idiot. Yeah. I'm just a clown watching my TV and making jokes with my friends. And now I have a platform and I don't mean anything by it. But this is how we bust ball or athletes. So we talk about teams here. It's like I liked it better when you could just have no consequences, you know know but that's part of the game and why you get the money and everything but it's like everything's so connected now that you can't just be like oh yeah that person looked

ugly on that episode they're like well that was rude like right yeah it was rude i'm sorry yeah you know what you're right i'm sorry absolutely i'm a fucking moron like i'm just i'm just an idiot like you said i'm i'm very in tune with that idea of like why me who do i think i am yeah but i also think that is what you answer your own question because that's i think you're very relatable i think people think that about themselves and almost think like wow this girl was in the same spot i was and she made it so everything she says i can understand and relate to and it's more than the you you know, if you grow up in Hollywood or something and you make it, it's like, all right, cool, whatever. You're talented and you got put on by your parents or something, whatever, fine.

But if you make it and you're normal, everyone's going to love it that much more, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a million more stories of yours of, you know, other Angelas out there than there are of people who, you know, got it handed to them or whatever. And I'll go to my grave saying the more important thing is to be likable and be able to crack jokes oh absolutely you know if i have to pick between book smarts and street smarts take the street every single day right same i mean being a good person yeah be a good person exactly don't be an asshole like it's the whole like hey treat people the way you want to be treated you know how we were taught that in kindergarten but then also if you actually really do that it's karma it's you

reap what you sow like you put it out there the energy and it comes back to you i also though do you ever feel like sometimes i'm like i i you know it is business and i probably do need to be a little bit more of an asshole like i do have to have a little bit more of an edge or yell at some people or put my foot down or big time some people or even with fans, it's like in the beginning, maybe you sign every single autograph and one day it's like, I can't sign ever.

I can't take pictures all day long. So like certain things where you do have to remind yourself. You have boundaries. Boundaries, yeah. You have boundaries for everything. You have boundaries with fans. You have boundaries in business and not letting people take advantage of you and sometimes you have to boss up and be like hey now i have to put you in your place unfortunately because you did this you know

exactly i can't believe that but it's like don't make me do that to you yeah i want to do that yeah just like my dad used to say this is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you okay this is very uncomfortable for me. I do not like having confrontational conversations. Okay. And at the time you're like bullshit. But then you, you know, you grow up yourself. You're like, makes sense.

And being a boss in the entertainment industry. That's what you are. You're your own boss. So everything with your agents, your managers, like if I ever had to leave an agent and move to a different agency, oh my God, it's like breaking up with a boyfriend. For sure. Oh, it's awful.

And just, I still like, like if I were to run into one of my old agents on the street, like I would be like, I'm so sorry. You know? Like, yeah,

it's hard. It's hard being a boss. That's why, again, I need to talk to Kevin. How, how you do this? For real.

And then like managing the internet as a whole. Are you like on, are you like plugged in? You know. And then like managing the internet as a whole. Are you like on? Are you like plugged in? You know, are you like? I do have a team. Yeah. Are you on your Instagram or are they on your Instagram? So you're on.

Both. Both. So I have a team that manages like the overall, like I'm doing an announcement today with pushing my book. And we're doing like, you know, the first people to pre-order my book, 100 people who pre-order my book, they get like 50% off a Cameo shout out on Cameo.

And- How do you feel about Cameo? So- Part of me is like, do it, make some money, it's good for the fans and then part of me feels like,

I don't know. Same. Panhandling almost, you know what I mean? Same, same, same. I feel all of those feelings which is why I'll get on it for a little while and then I get off. Yeah. Panhandling almost. You know what I mean? Same, same, same. I feel all of those feelings, which is why I'll get on it for a little while and then I get off. Yeah. I take my breaks and then I'll come back on for certain things. So like the last time I was on, it was for a charity

event. And so it was like, hey, I'm going to donate some of these proceeds to this charity and I'm going to be on for two weeks. So get your request in for two weeks and then I come off. Right. And so this is for this special campaign to promote my book. You preorder it. I'll give you a shout out, you know. So with that, I made the video and I give it to my team. They edit it together. They put it up.

They tag the right people that need to be tagged and all of that kind of thing. And then if it's a more personal post, I do that. Like today's my dad's birthday. I'm about to do a post about me and my dad. Like, that's going to be all me. Happy birthday to him. Thank you. Anytime I reply to people, that's me replying.

Oh, back to my dad, though, really quick. He's 70. Okay. He's turning 70 today. And I was like, Dad, I FaceTimed him this morning. What are you going to do for your birthday? This is how simple life gets when you get old. You don't need much. I'm like, Dad, what are you going to do for your birthday? This is how simple life gets when you get old. You don't need much.

I'm like, Dad, what are you going to do for your birthday? It's your 70th. He goes, oh, my sister's Veronica. He goes, oh, I'm going to go to Veronica's house. I'm going to get some of the lemons off her tree because that was some real good lemons. That was it? That was his birthday. That was it?

It was not like something to do with the lemons after that? No. Well, yeah, he said. Get the lemons? He said, because I got this new iced tea. It's real good. like something to do with the lemons after that well yeah he said he's like the lemon he's like because i got um i got this new iced tea it's real good it's real good with that i can feel you get you got a good iced tea it's real good with these lemons and hey the lemons on veronica's tree those are some good lemons so i'm gonna go get me some of those lemons for my iced tea it's like it's like when life gives you lemons but the good

way it's like when life gives you lemons from but the good way. It's like when life gives you lemons from Veronica's tree, celebrate that shit because it's fucking good. Even if it's your 70th birthday, that's how good they are. That's the life I want. Simplicity. I just want to be 70 picking lemons off a fucking tree and be happy about it. Right.

Because that's all it is. It's just like your mentality. Totally. It's like if you got a rush from planting a lemon tree, then that's all you need in this world. Yeah, exactly. Are you on the internet to the point that you get caught up in it? There's drama and beef and fights.

Are you ever mixing it up with anybody on there? No. That gives me anxiety. Smart to stay out of it. That gives me too much anxiety. The only time I get beef with someone is if a troll comes for me on my own like instagram every now and then i'm gonna be like oh i got time today yes yes uh you gotta remind him every now and then a lot of times i just exactly get back sit down

nice try but i got time today so what's your name right right um But no, I try not to. It takes my energy, my peace. I don't like it. Sometimes, though, I scroll for too long. I mean, it can get funny. Like, not trolls and shit at you, but I'm always amazed when the internet does its thing. I'm like, man, these are some of the funniest jokes I've ever seen, and these people are not professionals, you know?

Oh, yeah. You get some shit going in black Twitter. You get some funny kids coming up in the next generation who are just like nailed it with a tweet or whatever a meme I'm like this is fucking hilarious and this is just some dude like

200 followers yes the funniest thread that I had ever seen and it's it's gone now because he deleted it but it was Chloe's man Tristan right and it's it's gone now because he deleted it but it was um uh chloe's man tristan right and i think it was maybe right after like he cheated on her or something happened but anyways it was his last post that he had the thread of comments people going in but it wasn't like they were being like oh you're at this a this and a that, like whatever. I don't need to read that.

They were so funny. So good. It was, I hope you wake up running late and stub your toe. Yeah, little things like that. It was all of those things. It's like, ooh, I hope you go to, you're craving a sandwich and you go to make a sandwich and all that's left is the end of the bread.

It was like all those kinds of things. And I was there for so long. People were so funny. I'm like, this is the funniest thread I have ever seen. And then he deleted the post. And I was like, oh, my God, that was so golden, though. These were all so good. That's why I mean, Twitter and you have access to the to me.

We were just talking about it with. Oh, did you see with Nancy Reagan this weekend? No. What happened? Oh, God, this was crazy. This one's a wild one. Nancy Reagan? Yeah.

She's dead. No, she's gone. She's long dead. What happened? Hold on. Well, this was about her when she was younger. This woman, it was like a political thing. They're talking about Madonna.

So Madonna posted these pictures. She did a photo shoot at age 63 in lingerie and had a nipple out. Madonna? Yeah. Okay. And 63 still got it, right? And this woman was like, this is how Madonna acts when she was 63. Look at how Nancy Reagan was when she was 64.

And Nancy Reagan's all like buttoned up. Uh-huh. The family and everything. Being all Nancy. And then the other side was like, oh, really? Well, did you know that back in the day, Nancy Reagan was known as like, she gives the best head on the MGM lot in Hollywood. And it was all about how she was known for, you know.

For fellation. Yeah, for giving out pleasure back in the day. Wow. Like known in Hollywood as like, that's Nancy. And like the tweets and the memes and the jokes of just being, like. And, I mean, I was like, this is the funniest shit I could ever imagine. Nancy Reagan, long gone. God rest her soul.

She's probably like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? Yeah, she thought she got away with that one. It was before social media. She was sitting there like, oh, I'm first lady. Like, no one cares about Hollywood at all. But, I mean, people just, the jokes were flying about her. Let's go, Nance. It's like, damn, girl. No wonder how she

landed Reagan. You know? She got to the Oval Office. Hey, you won, girl. You did it. Don't worry about how you got there. You got there. Yo, that's another avenue too. You got OnlyFans popping off. You got there. Yo, that's another avenue, too. You got OnlyFans popping off. You got everybody taking control and making their money on the internet now.

Get your money, girl. Right? Get it. I would so be on OnlyFans. I couldn't. I tell all these girls, go on OnlyFans. Do it anonymously. Let me tell you.

Why couldn't you do it? If I post a picture that has some cleavage or it's like real like I don't know showing my body right I'm wearing a bikini I'm on the beach whatever and if I even get just like two uh nasty dms and I'm like oh my god I know I'm so disgusted it's tough delete no I can't so anytime I guess that's the difference though like Like your, your Instagram is open to everybody, right? You're only fans. People are signing up and paying.

They love you. Yeah. They're not going to sign up and pay unless they are like, I want that. I know. But then, but then if they show up at my show and then I know, they know what my boobs look like,

then I'm just, you got to do it anonymous. You got to do it. None of us. And then post and be like, this is, um, yeah,

this is my friend. Yeah, this is my friend who's just got, you know, her body looks exactly like mine. And that birthmark is matching. But like, whatever. It's whatever. Hers is a third nipple. Mine's a birthmark. Lies.

You see, though, I mean, I feel like I see a girl who's making like a hundred grand a month for posting, you know, and and go on do you like you're blessed with yeah that but i'm like sitting here trying to come up with funny podcast shit and material and trying our hardest here i am trying to make money you don't even have to try it just falls in your fucking lap right like if i could do it see you guys later guys can't do it i mean we could i don't think anyone's paying for this i mean you never know there's a market for everyone for every pot you know you're right you're right what would be people have asked me before like okay well then what would your number be i got two little kids so i can't you know like if it was an if it was

anonymous maybe i can't do anything publicly like that after I'm having kids. But if I was single and somehow I knew there was a market for me doing it, I would do it for some of the money that's floating around now, man. These people are making like millions of dollars. Really? Yeah. It's crazy. Like regular girls living like-

So that's like the new strip club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's exactly like that. And a lot of it, I don't know how they do it anonymously because usually you have to have i don't know you could be anonymous well yeah you just you know don't post your face in it come up with some name and the only thing is usually you have to have somebody promote it like with an account that has followers so but if you get somebody to do that or whatever. That's interesting. I don't know a lot about the OnlyFans.

All I know is the memes and the gifs and all of that. No, I could never. If I get insecure about cleavage, and I'm like, oh my God, this guy said something nasty about me. And then if I ever post anything that shows my body or me being sexier, I'll look at at my tagged photos and then there's all these different accounts that grabbed a screenshot from my my instagram stories and they're like zooming in on parts of my body and like posting it and it's like it's hard out here for a chick it's it really

is i was like i was just trying to have a good time in mexico you guys did you really have to break apart my body and like post it in different pieces? I know. And unfortunately, that's the game. That's just the bad side of what comes with all this. I know. All the good of money and security and funny and books and all that.

I guess you got to deal with the downside of it. But I feel like checking off author, bestseller type shit is a cool one that not many people get to do. Hey, from your mouth to God's ears, let's go. That would be nice. That's one of those things like to be a bestselling author. That would be nice. Yeah, that gives, you know, it's like comedian.

Sure. People respect that. Yeah. Author, bestselling author. That's different. What's up? That's a whole different thing. Especially like if I'm talking to somebody random on the airplane the airplane and they're like oh what do you do you know i always gauge like how much conversation do i want

to be in and that's what i'll reply right because if i say comedian i've seen you before yeah or anything actor or comedian then it's just like oh have i seen you before is question number one yeah um i don't know have you. And then in stand-up comedy, they can't imagine me as a stand-up comedian. So then they're like, really? And then it's just more questions. So a lot of times I just be like, oh, I'm in the entertainment industry.

And then I'll switch it and I'll be like, yeah, my husband's in music. And then I'll like flip it to my husband and be like, you could ask about him. I'll just say real quick, oh yeah, he writes songs for like commercials and stuff. Right, right, right.

And done. Well, it sounds like things are going good. So congratulations on that. Definitely blessed. Thank you. And the book, Who Do I Think I Am? Great title

that so many people can relate to, I think. Thank you. Whether it's like making it in the industry, entertainment industry or whatever. I became a mom after I was a wild,

crazy party. You know what I mean? Like everyone's doing something that they're like, I can't believe that they like pay me to do this or let me do this. So awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you.

I wish you the best. Thanks for the time. Thanks. Appreciate it. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.