KFC Radio - Shaquille O’Neal Has Made a HUGE Scientific Discovery Ft. Brittany Schmitt

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

- Stories from the road including Jackie being the worst tour guide of all time, Underwear Boy, Dragon Girl, and much more - Harvey Weinstein’s d*** is a MUST see - Jeopardy is in hot water after using a clue about Brian Laundrie - Uncle Chen chains moked cigs while running a marathon - Squaqulle O’Neal has convinced us there are two moons - Sam Bankman-Fried and the FTX team have done some odd s*** - Video Voicemails - Brittany Schmitt Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Storiew From West Coast Tour 49:58 - Harvey Weinstein’s Dick 01:02:02 - Jeopardy is in hot water for one of their clues 01:04:36 - Uncle Chen chiainsmoked while running the marathon 01:07:46 - Shaq convinced us there are two moons 01:11:05 - SBF is responsible for the FTX Collapse 01:18:02 - New Segment on KFCR: Who’s the Biggest A**hole 01:47:52 - Video Voicemails 02:05:11 - Brittany Schmitt Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WhistlePig: Buy our Whistlepig KFC Radio PiggyBack 100% Rye Whiskey at https://barstool.link/KFCWP Gametime: Download the Gametime app and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Mugsy Jeans: Go to https://barstool.link/Mugsy for up to 30% off the entire site Curve: Sign up at https://barstool.link/CurveBSS to receive $20 in Curve Cash. Terms and Conditions Apply. Proper Wild: Go to https://barstool.link/ProperwildBSS to try Proper Wild 30% Off. Ridge Wallet: Go to https://barstool.link/RidgeKFC to save up to 40% off through December 22nd.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. In addition to... In addition to... Are you ready for that? Are you ready for that? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We are back in New York after our West Coast swing. Very thankful for everybody who came out.

It was a lot of fun. It was confidence. That was, I think, going to be a watershed moment, benchmark moment, hallmark moment, whatever you want to call it for KFC Radio because it went so well. The shows were good but more importantly the just the whole week was so goddamn funny yeah that you know when you're when you work at a place like this and and you have some of the guests that we've been lucky enough to have and you're just on the internet all day and you see some of the best of the best, it's intimidating. It's like, we're working with the funniest fucking people in the world,

and for a show that is known for its lack of self-confidence, sometimes it's like, fuck, are we good enough, or is this funny, or whatever. And so when you hit the west coast and you're like thousands of miles away from your your northeast you know uh safety net and people are still coming out to shows and the entire place sticks around to do meet and greets and everybody's hyping you up taking pictures uh and then for me seeing uh how funny like the whole team has become.

I mean, there was a while there where it was just me and you. It was fine. We could have done it until we were dead, but it's just me and you talking, and I think these kind of shows are at their best when there's a whole cast of characters and a whole team of people where it's like, oh, this side character and this side character. The sweaty girl.

The sweaty girl. The girl who sweats too much with her armpits soaking wet. The girl with the messed up nose and the sweaty armpits. You don't understand how much Jackie sweats. It's crazy. It's just. No, I don't. I don't.

There was a few times. It's a hard way to. Jackie, do you think that's what you're up to? No, I'm not going to pop it off. Why not? Jackie, touch the sky. Bridge the sky. It's not a good.

It's not. You don't sweat that much. It's only been like two disastrous times in about four days. I'm going through like a sweating period. I actually feel you on that. You go through a sweaty phase. And you complain it's cold in here. Meanwhile, you are drenching your clothes.

Poring. It's a sweaty period. It doesn't matter about. It's like Van Gogh's blue period or whatever. Jackie's going through a blue phase. A sweaty phase. Just a pit girl. This girl's a pit. Show me your pits!

Oh, Jackie, the girl on KC Radio? Yeah, the one with the pits? No! Just fucking sweats, dog. What's that girl's name? The sweaty one. I thought we weren't going to bring this up on air. I thought this was behind the scenes. Nah! I might have said that but a lot i mean we we now i am i have very i would put our our podcast team up against any in the world i i like like from producers to

side characters editors like the people you know the best shows are the ones where it's like you know everybody on the squad and they all have – like play their role. And after kicking it for a week with these guys, I mean there's – I think there's – it's a broader discussion that I think you – because if you're not doing a podcast, you're like, you can't relate, right? But anybody who has a group of friends, I think can relate to this where you ask yourself, are we different or does everybody have this? You know, because you have those nights where you're shit faced or you're high and you're hanging out and you're fucking dying laughing, you're rolling and you're like, this is literally one of the funniest things that's ever happened in the world. And you're like, is this

just us? Or does every Joe, Dick, and Harry have... I find myself in those situations enough where I say I think it's us. But I don't know. Look, here's the deal. It might happen to other people. What's happening is... You might think it's the funniest thing in the world. It's not as funny as what's happening. Right Look, here's the deal. It might happen to other people. What's happening is not. You might think it's the funniest thing in the world.

It's not as funny as what's happening here. Right. So that's the thing. I guess everyone has their moments where they feel. Because you know what happens? People will be like. Can we pull up Dracarys, by the way? Yeah, yeah.

We're going to tell. Oh, you already did it. We'll tell the whole thing here. But I think what happens is you'll hear people be like, oh, my God, oh, my God. The funniest thing happened. And they tell you the story hear people be like, oh, my God, oh, my God, the funniest thing happened. And they tell you the story and you're like, okay. Yeah. Oh, there's a very good chance this is what you had to be there.

No, I don't think so, though. I don't think so. Because just some of the some of it. So the real there was two. The reason why I'm so happy about, like, this whole team is because, like I said, usually it's John and I. And this time, this week, at least for our L.A. show, you could argue that we didn't even need to take the stage on our final show. We could have just let Pabst and Jackie go up there with the shit that they were bringing to the table. So we go to California, right?

And while we were in California, by the way, our whiskey dropped. On November 11th, we dropped our Whistlepig whiskey, our KFC Radio single barrel limited edition. And we sold 1,000 bottles in a day. I don't know what the count's at now. I'm hoping it's even higher. I'm hoping we're pushing 2,000 bottles. I'm hoping we're pushing case after case after case. A lot of you are taking pictures and sending it in,

showing us that you got it at your local liquor store. It's very cool to see you guys have it in hand. It should be at your local liquor stores now. It was taking a few days. If you can't get it online, check it online, obviously. Whistlepigwhiskey.com. Yeah, I'll take a poll. Yeah, it's cool.

Drink it, by the way. We saw people taking pictures of it at the liquor store. I want to see pictures of you guys cracking it open, drinking it. Yankity, yankity, yee. It is our – That's the official noise of it afterwards too. It's our finest – Yankity, yankity, yee.

I still have no voice. I know, man. You got nothing. It's our finest achievement to date. And I think the reason why Whistlepig took a chance on us is because of everything we described. Whistlepig loves very cult following groups. That's why they get down with the ski community and snowboard community. And they came to us and were like,

you guys have that diehard following that we're looking for. So that's why they did the whiskey with us. And if you got the maple syrup, you can make yourself a little KFC Radio maple syrup old-fashioned. But you can get it from the link in our YouTube right now or go to whistlepigwhiskey.com or truly get get it and then tell us what you think like honest opinions because i honestly think it's one of the best whiskeys ever had one of the best we did we did a lot of tasting really really i think i think it'll be a whiskey that like a lot of people like

because it's just like that's usually what it comes down to with us is we're kind of like the average guy and what we like is what usually the masses like. So give it a try. I get it for, it's a great stocking stuffer. It's a great gift. It's a great Secret Santa. It's perfect for this holiday. So even if you don't care about it, but

you need to check off the box to get something for your nephew or your uncle, your brother, your father, or your sister. Girls drink whiskey too. Or your co-worker, Secret Santa, whatever. Get your KFC Radio Whistle Pig single barrel. But we went to the West Coast, and Jackie, as you know, went to school there, even though everyone in the world is convinced that she's an Italian from New Jersey because, well, that's what she seems like.

Because she sweats so much. She sweats so much. She sweats like an Italian sausage. That's why she's always wearing those meat shirts. Because she feels that, one, with the sausage. It serves a dual purpose of, one, covering up the spit stains, and two, being like, this is what it's like inside right now. This is my skin.

Can you believe? And inside is a sweaty Italian sausage. Can you believe that that fucking Italian sausage wants it to be warmer in here? Yeah. What would it be like if it was hot in here? She would be drenched. You guys should not start referring to me as the Italian sausage wants it to be warmer in here? Yeah. What would it be like if it was hot in here? She would be drenched. You guys should not start referring to me as the Italian sausage. Jackie, the Italian sausage nickels.

Starting at guard. I want to go back to being girl. So we asked Jackie to pick out, to make reservations for us. Like pick a cool spot. We had one night off. Every other night we did the show, but we had one night off in L.A. Pick a spot for us. I will give the Italian sausage to this.

I said it at like noon. Yeah, so Friday night. Friday night in L.A., you're not going to get the best reservation in the world for six people. Although, I feel like I could. Like if it was New York, I could get you a good reservation. Yeah, and Jackie should be able to do that. And it's your job to call people and be like, you know, we're a podcast. Excuse me, if you're a podcast, we're one.

We have one. So we start walking, and she decides to first take us through West Hollywood, AKA the Times Square of Los Angeles. So that was great. Walking by the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the panderers by Zorro. Yeah. It was either, um, homeless people begging for money, uh, or Asian people like hitting you with something, trying to sell you shit or children being abused by their parents.

Yeah. Just being like dance kid dance it's like 11 p.m dad i'm hungry get dinner after this and entertain the italian sausage so that was great while we walk through while we walk through there and then um as we're like five minutes into the walk jack Jackie turns to the crew, and she goes, so you guys are okay with a little bit of a hill, right? A little bit of a hike, she said. A little bit of a hike. A little bit of a hike.

And I said, oh, God. Which in my world means a walk. Yeah, like a distance. Like that's a hike. Yeah. Like we don't actually hike. I didn't bring a carabiner. Right.

Like it is. What do you mean? Like a hike. That's like, oh, like a 15-minute walk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit of a hike. Yeah. All right, I can do that. It's a bit of a hike. That's like, oh, like a 15-minute walk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit of a hike. All right, I can do that. It's a bit of a hike.

And I said, oh, no, what does that mean? And then she was like, yeah, like, this place is kind of far away. And it was like, ah, we're down for a walk. It's beautiful LA weather. It actually was perfect. It was like 60s, 70s. So it was like, you're fine. You're not hot.

You're not cold. And then she's like, yeah. Jackie was sweating. But everybody was fine. She's like, there's a little bit of an incline and i was like well what the fuck does that mean like i was like i've never had to be warned about an incline because like tiny little hill yeah tiny little because here's the deal. I've been alive and on this planet, and so I know that sometimes streets go up and down a little bit, and that's just how it goes.

So if you feel the need to warn me about it, I'm now thinking we're going to have to climb a motherfucking mountain wherever you're taking us. Nobody has ever been like, there's an incline coming your way that's going to be a problem. And she's doing it in this Jackie way that's like, I think we're in trouble here. Klein coming your way, that's going to be a problem. And she's doing it in this Jackie way that's like, ah, I think we're in trouble here. Which is something she's done before. Like one time, real quick aside,

we were out, we were in John's house on the water, and she told everyone, let's go home and play drinking games with a deck of cards. And realized after that that she didn't have a deck of cards and that she had hyped it up to everybody the whole time and everyone was pumped to go play and she

didn't have the deck of cards and she does this she does this jackie thing where she writes a check that she can't cash where she's like so what do you think it would be like if we didn't have cards so she was doing it again with the hill it's's a little bit of a hill. And we're both like nervous, but like, I think we can handle this. So the walk continues on. And eventually we hit this street that is just one of those steady inclines where you're like kind of huffing and puffing. And I was like, oh, all right. Here's the hill.

I was like, this is the hill. This is the hill. It sucks. I was like, you know what? I appreciate the warning about this hill. I probably didn't need it. I probably could is the hill. It sucks. I was like, you know what? I appreciate the warning about this hill. I probably didn't need it. I probably could have handled this hill on my own. How little do you think of me?

But okay, thank you. Very nice of her to warn about the incline. The gradient grade, we'll call it. It was a rather slow incline, but it was noticeable. If it were to rain, water would flow down this direction. And then as we're walking in the distance, there is a restaurant. A castle. Not a castle.

A temple, if you will. I was so worried it wasn't going to translate the video. Looking at this now, it translates the video so well. It's even funnier. That is in – that is in a different level. That is at the height where the pilot would get on and say, we've just about reached our cruising altitude. Wi-Fi should kick on

You can take off your seatbelt and walk around the cabin. You're free to walk around the cabin. That is, I described it as... It looks like a UFO. There's so much darkness below it. It was just light in the dark. I described it as base camp for Mount Everest. It was so far in the dark I described it as base camp For Mount Everest

It was so far in the distance And so high in the air That we said I don't even know how it came about But it was like LOL Imagine if that was the restaurant we were going to It was a funny joke It was a full blown knee slapper dumb joke

It was low hanginghanging fruit. It was like, yeah, of course it won't be that restaurant. It was actually like, I told this story recently, the story where I took my friend to the Bahamas in the hospital, and he was like, I'm going to grab that fucking bloody rag and put it on my face. And then they came in and they were like, I'm going to use that bloody rag. It's like, this can't possibly be it. It was like, shut up.

Stop being a fucking idiot. Don't fucking touch that. That's how far away that restaurant was. And Jackie turns and starts laughing, so much so that she can't get any words out. And so I'm like, wait, are you trying to say that's it? Is that it? And through her cackling and laughter, she's like, that's the restaurant. That's where we're going.

I just didn't believe it i refused to believe it at first it was so far in the distance and so high in the air i legit i i think i said this a couple times but i i don't think i really made it clear i was like i don't know how we're going to get up there because it looks like a grass mountain. Are there roads that go up there? Is there stairs? He's like, there is no safe passage up there just so you know. There are streets,

but they are filled with cars and billy goats on the side of a mountain. And there is no sidewalk. There was no sidewalk. Exactly as John described it. It's like ice road truckers, but in LA. It looked like those those roads in san francisco where they're so steep you have to serpentine your way up and so we were like you've got to be fucking kidding me jackie and she's like i went on a run here earlier today i woke up at four in the morning i went for a run

and i ran up to this spot so like we're doing doing it now. Oh, I'm so happy that your insanely difficult workout was the place for our leisurely trip for dinner. It was one of those things where it's like once it was in play, you couldn't say no. We have to walk up here because it is so absurd. We have to complete the story.

We're not going to go to a little dive bar. No, I'm going to climb a mountain and go to Yamashiro. Whatever it's called. Feidelberg's in a sweater. Fidelberg's in a sweater Yeah Yamashiro Yeah I think so Fidelberg's in a sweater Pop that off real quick Pop the top on that

Like five minutes in Like not even five minutes in Immediately The moment I The moment I heard we were walking up a hill I was like You had to prepare yourself Yeah

It's like Like I do when I'm gonna go to the ocean I'm like well I'm gonna get naked Like it's like I'm gonna be covered in I don't wanna ruin these clothes right now Because They're gonna get so you should take a page out of my book actually yeah this would be better for you these are gonna get so wet with sweat i want to wear them later maybe your armpits won't be drenched i'll take them off and i'll put them back on once

i dry off i was walking with my fucking thumb out i was trying to hitchhike our way up there there was no sidewalks there was no stairs we just were walking on the side of the road like and it's one of those moments we are i i would really venture to guess out of everyone on our level that you know has as many downloads that we do or can sell as many tickets as we do and makes as much money and revenue as we do um like nobody on that level has ever done something this dirtbag. We were walking on the side of the road

while cars were like, driving by like, what's with these homeless people on the side of the street? I'll one-up you. No one on any level has ever done that. And I know that for a fact because it was the first thing I asked the bartender when I got inside the restaurant.

I waited outside. I fanned myself off, dried off. Write that down. And then I put my sweater back on, went into the bar. I asked the bartender. I forget his name. I said, excuse me. Because, by the way, at this point, Jackie is still like, it wasn't that bad,

guys. He's trying to downplay it. And John asked this. I walk into the bar and I said, excuse me, bartender, how many patrons, I use the word patrons, no, I said,

what percentage of your patronage would you say walks up to this building? And he didn't miss a beat, went, looked me dead in the eye, zero.

I said, well, sir, I'd like you to introduce you to five people who just fucking did it. There's a group of five. Made history Zero. I said, well, sir, I'd like you to introduce you to five people who just fucking did it. Main history here. He was like, what? The first to ever summit. He was wondering why

we all ordered water at a bar. He's like, what a weird group of drunks who just stumbled in here. I'm like, can I have water? They came out of the desert and he was like, oh, oh. And he actually put a little pep in his step once he heard

we walked up there. He's like, I gotta get to these hot waters fast before they pass out. Five fucking morons, drenched in sweat, huffing and puffing. I went down to the bathroom, and I was immediately, I'm toweling myself off. Some dude walked in, probably for sure thought I was an addict or something. Whoa. Clientele of this place has gone downhill real fast.

I'm sitting there sweating like. It's like, well Well I walked into the bathroom After you You had a better experience Than I did Because the first thing I saw When I walked in the bathroom Was about a three year old girl

In the men's room? In the men's room yeah Talk about panic setting Yeah That's the last thing You want to get stuck with You're like I took a wrong turn

I would Literally I would Put my hands up I don't know what this is I put my hands up I put them on know what this is. I put my hands up. I put them on the wall. I was like, yeah, you got me. I came into the children's bathroom.

And luckily, to finish that story real quick, her dad was there. I turned the corner right after her, and I was like, thank God. Okay. So we went back to our children, and we had a couple cocktails. So Jackie wanted to bring us to this place for drinks. That was like a nice view. Not a very good view. Not a very good view at all.

Not a good view. It's a great view. This isn't your fault. There just aren't views in LA. You definitely took us, I mean, obviously you took us to the top of a mountain. Yeah, yeah. So we could see things. If there was a view to be had, we would have seen it.

We could see for miles. It's just like there's not that much there. The only thing we could see was a sign that said trailer park. Let me tell you something about Los Angeles. I don't think Los Angeles has anything. I don't think they do. I don't think they have anything. Well, they have a lot of Danny Trejo stuff. Yep. That is for sure.

You go to West Hollywood, everything is a Danny Trejo label. Danny Trejo's cantina, Danny Trejo's coffee and donuts, Danny Trejo's merch, Danny Trejo's hot sauce. Was there a Danny Trejo's bar, too? Sure. Clubs, bars. Everywhere in WeHo, that's what we call West Hollywood, everywhere in WeHo was Danny Trejo's face.

I think that Los Angeles is one gigantic emperor's new closed city, and everybody tells each other that they're living the dream and killing it. Like, there's the famous people, for sure, and that's fine. Everyone after that, I don't think there's that many cool bars or restaurants or clubs or anything cool to see, and it's just like, this

place kind of sucks. I think that's the pretty resounding feeling on LA. It kind of sucks. Yeah, it's the weather. You feeling on LA. It kind of sucks. Yeah. It's the weather. You have the weather. That's it. That's it.

I think the weather's all right. It's a little cold, to be honest. No, I thought it was perfect. I was cool with that weather. It was nice. It was nice. The weather to me was all good, and then the rest is just like, ah, this kind of sucks. Whereas, as much as I usually rag on New York.

We've only been there for like 48 hours max. I'm sure there are nice areas. I doubt it. I really doubt it. I really don't think so I really think that everybody would be like struggling to show me something cool other than like the weather yeah because also you you take me anywhere where it's like look at this beautiful sunset when it's like 70 degrees like yeah all right fine but as much as I do hate New York and I always rag on it like there's a million places

you could take me like in the drop of a hat that's like oh this bar has like character this is cool even even we did go to the new girl bar that was that was cool that was cool that place was cool not only because it's the new girl bar but it also like is a cool spot also even i thought when we went to yamimoto or whatever i was like oh this is uh clearly uh like a tourist trap yeah oh it felt like i was at disney world it was like a hibachi like i was in epcot we're at the japan epcot spot and then i've been I've been to, I think I went to the Chinese restaurant in Epcot. Very similar to it. Felt like I went to, there's a Japanese steakhouse, Ito's. It's a hibachi place near my high school.

I felt like I went there. And then when- When one of the waiters walked up to you, he was like, this place sucks. Yeah. But then when we did our live show, I was like, that place sucks, right? And everyone was like, no, this place is awesome. I was like, oh, okay. This city sucks.

But anyway, so Jackie then takes us to a dinner spot, which Electric Owl, which at first it looked very much like she took us to the fancy place for the quick drink beginning and then took us to a bar for dinner. Because when you first walk in there, it looks like a dive bar, and I was just ragging on her, like, let me have the nachos, please. But that ended up being a nice find. I quite enjoyed the burger, we'll say that.

But by that point, Jackie had a couple martinis in it. Jackie was one touch in espressos. If you think that you drink fast, there's the professional Joey Chestnut people who can chug for a living. She's not that, but she's right beneath it.

I remember way back in the day. Did you come down for the Irish truck bomb challenge? I don't think you were in that. That was early, early Barstool, New York. I did it at Tin Lizzy. These two guys, instead of doing car bombs, they do truck bombs,

meaning instead of dropping a shot glass into a pint glass, you drop a pint glass into a pitcher. So it was a pint glass of half whiskey, half Bailey's, and you drop it

into a pitcher of Guinness, and they drank them in like 6.1 seconds. It's like Pat McAfee times 10. The guy's nickname was I Drink In My Sleep versus Moose the Carpet Pisser.

And they came to Tin Lizzy and we had the whole back section if you ever went to Tin Lizzy RIP. We had it like kind of roped off like side by side table to table face off and i did like a whole intro you know like uh like a walking to the ring sort of thing and it was like all right like three two one go and it was done in six seconds it was like oh that's fine okay that's it uh so she can't like chug professionally but like

i was like still sipping my martini to the point that it was high enough that it was going to spill and her shit was gone I think that like my average time like if you like there's people who can chug

and that will like lower their average time but I think my average time of drinking everything I think I might be the fastest drinker I think you might be because you're not

intentionally chugging I'll give you a lot of your money on that I think if you're not if you're not competitively like I'm trying to drink it faster than you.

If it's just like you're sitting there drinking, I think she's the fastest drinker on the planet. That's why I always spend so much money in bars is because I drink the fastest. You loop people. You lap people. But I'm not going to go to the bar and fucking get a drink by myself. So I'm like, anyone need one? And everyone's like, yeah, I got a few sips left. I'll be done by the time you get back.

So I come back with a full round. And then they have to finish theirs. And I'm like, anyone and everyone's like I got a few sips. I'll be done by the time you get back Yeah, so come back with a full round and then they have to finish theirs and I'm like Yeah, because it's just like it's a safety blanket, right? It is like when I don't know to do my hands something I say doesn't get a laugh or when I don't know how to reply to something I got a drink by myself some time and guess what that happens often. It's yeah when you have crippling anxiety Something you lean on quite a bit. So at this point, Jackie also has the drunk eyes

big time. Every time Jackie finishes a drink too, she knows that she finished before you and she does a little shake. She's like, I'm just drunk with my drink over here. Look at this empty drink I got in my hands. I was going to say, I think it's a competition for her all the time because she always

brings up how she beats us. And it's like we are just doing a happy hour. Yeah, we're trying to sip here, bitch. So now she's got the drunk guys going. And when Jackie's drunk, we got to sneak some cameras in somehow and get the Jackie drunk show because that is the funniest routine on the planet. It's comedic genius. I'm not even kidding.

I was sober for most of the night and It's comedic genius. I'm not even kidding. I was sober for most of the night and I was howling laughing. I was drunk and I was laughing, so it works for both. She proceeds to tell us this story about the Griffith Observatory where she was almost date raped. The laughs

got so high. The laughs got so loud. And all of a sudden, this noise comes out. I would say emanates. Emanates. This noise emanates from the cockles of her heart. From the fucking Italian sausage. Let's hopefully entrench.

This is how an Italian sausage would laugh. The sick. I'm not kidding. That was the only time he's gone in my whole life. Oh, my God. This is huge. Oh, my God. I can do it again. I can do it again. Oh my god, I know that.

I know that. Write it back. Write it back. Now that you know what you're listening for. I thought that was the funniest moment of my life. Your laugh is just... I've never heard you laugh that hard in my life. I was like, it was, it sounds...

Jackie, you have ephizema. You've got worse than that. You've got like asbestosis. You've got to get a class action lawsuit. The only sound I've ever heard that I can even compare it to is the grape lady viral video

yeah when she falls over and she's like it's it's the next morning like I didn't really fully remember that

and all I remembered was saying like I'm a lady I think it was cause like the laugh was so unladylike it was so Italian sauce it was like like you guys were all talking about how you love what was it I think it's because the laugh was so unladylike. It was so Italian sausage. It was.

Like you guys were all talking about how you love, what is it? Sausage party. Sausage party? We should send that clip to Seth Rogen and be like, hey, if you're introducing a new sausage, we think this laugh would be pretty good for it. Dude. And these are things like, so, you know, I'm sure many groups have sat around and somebody had a funny laugh and a funny moment. But the five of us at this restaurant, Jackie barking like a seal while we are, we're acting like it's the dunk contest.

Like we're falling over, holding each other back. It's like when David Blaine does magic tricks for an NFL locker room. Like we are falling over chairs. We are – there are people on a date. There's people like just like parents. There's everybody trying to have a nice dinner. And there's Jackie going – while we howl laughing. And I thought it was just something that had just happened in the moment.

I don't know. You were sick. We've been talking a lot, whatever. But no, this is something Jackie always does. Pat was like, you guys haven't heard this yet? You hadn't heard it yet, right? I never heard that.

So I think this is something that comes out after a few drinks and when we're really letting it rip. When girls are always like, I have an alter ego. Jackie has another side to her that's the non-professional side. And it's so funny.

It's so funny. And so now we heard that sound. So now she's Jackie because she sounds like a fucking dragon. I want to be able to point to her and just go, Dracarys. Give it to me one more time. Give it to me one more time. I like to know his name is the funniest one in my whole life. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay. I want to break it down. Because there's a cough laugh. And then you think it's going to end. And then this second noise comes out. I'm so happy it actually translates. Because I was afraid it was going to be something like you had to be there. But I think it comes through.

I was out on the table. He's still going. It's that second little crescendo where it goes for another five seconds. Hit it again. Right here it stops. And then. It sounds like someone who got hit in the throat, right? It is. It's so good and then but yeah but no

apparently this has been going on since she was in the fourth fucking grade when uh it actually you know when people ask how do you get a job here or whatever you know and it's kind of like i don't know there's no answer right yeah uh And sometimes it seems like there's not even a formula. But, like, there is. And it's not an intentional one. But when Jackie tells you that she now does a dragon noise when she laughs, because when she was in the fourth grade, people used to pull on her hair and she would make a honking noise.

And people just used to do it to her so much and because she was just like the sad clown who had to perform for the audience all the time she just did it every single time someone tugged on her ponytail to the point that the doctor said it is but it is you've had a lifetime of entertainment

even when you weren't intending to do it you were in the fourth grade being like, I'm the clown. I want to know what the original sound was like. She can't even do it anymore. She said her vocal cords got fried because in the fourth grade. Imagine people just give it an attempt. Yeah.

Come on, sweaty. Imagine people just walking up to Jackie and pulling her ponytail like a church bell. And every time she just has to bellow that out to the point that 20 years later she's fucking barking at the restaurant. It was... I've never laughed so fucking hard, man. It was one of those moments where I was like, this team needs to put out more content. We need to be writing.

We need to be recording. We need a fucking reality show. We need cameras at all times. And that was like... We finished up the night. Hotel bar. Rooftop bar. Fun time. Nothing crazy. Wake up the next morning to find out we we did play categories i don't know oh category categories

that won't that won't translate categories jackie drunk drunk jackie playing categories turned into norm mcdonald's and i know that's high praise but she first of all she sucked at it and then she got then she started getting good. What bar was that where you were like, it was me, you, and Paz, and Nick too. The Danny Trejo bar. Oh, that was Danny Trejo, where you're like, States, and you were out in colors, and you were

out in like, both times, we went around once, and it got back to you. You said your own word once. You started, you were like, States, California, and by the time it got back to you, you were like states california and by the time i got back to you you were like california we were playing with five people it took three seconds to get back to you but then when she was drunk she started coming up with more uh like hypothetical categories so it was uh things you say when you found something that you thought was lost and so it started with like oh fuck there it is and And like, oh, wow,

I didn't think I was going to find that. And the rest of us are like, I don't know what we're doing. And then it got back to Jackie and she put on like a five minute soliloquy about a girl who found something in an attic in a box that was labeled things not here.

And you won't understand it, but it wasn't in the first box. It was found the second box. It said it was here. And it just when it wasn't in the second box, I found the second box. It said it was here. And it wasn't in the second box. The house came down. It was actually in a third box. And it was just this like family guy joke that went on so long.

It became like comedic genius. That was that was too funny. You had to be there for that, though. But we go back to that. She looked at me. She goes, OK, you're like nothing like that. I got to the fourth box. I was like, there's no fucking way.

So then we finished the night at the bar. And we wake up the next morning. It's time to get some breakfast. And I thought nothing of the night. Just thought it was standard other than the laughs. And that's when Pav says, he's like, I got a story to tell. And I don't know if I should tell it until the whole gang is together. And I was like, fuck that.

You're telling me now. And boy, did you have yourself an after party. to tell and I don't know if I should tell it until the whole gang is together and I was like fuck that you're telling me now and boy did you have yourself an after party worst night of my life yeah that's what he said to me he goes I had the worst it was the worst experience of my life as a man and I'm thinking like he took a girl home and something

embarrassing happened like in bed or whatever we've all been there before oh no no no no no no this was much more public we got pretty banged up the night before i was pretty banged up at least and i went to bed and like i've never slept walked my entire life besides that was my first time that night and so i me and john had a nightcap i go up don't really like remember just like knocking out but i fell asleep and then i woke up i guess two hours later in the hallway of the hotel room trying to get into somebody's door.

And then I just wake up to them locking the door and saying, go the fuck away. Right there. That's embarrassing enough. But then I look down and I realize that I'm in my underwear with no key card to get back in. Nightmare. So I just fucking it's like four in the morning. So I decided to just sit outside my hotel room and just wait till the morning, which, like you guys said, was not a good idea. I was like, wait for everybody to wake up to see me so then like that is that is some crazy like

drunk logic but i do i'll wait till the sun's up and i'll be normal i do also get the feeling though of like i'm i will do whatever it takes to not go downstairs yeah you know like but you know again you're drunk so it's not really but like you're gonna have to go down at some point well i yes but i i like the the funny thing was uh me jackie and paz were all on the same floor so if i had just walked out i could have gone down for him yeah you know like some we could have done something but yeah the better play would have been like let me sneak downstairs while no one is around but anyway so i go inside it's so cold i'm sitting there for like 20 minutes i'm like i just can't like this can't go on any longer

so i decided like go into the elevator take downstairs, get a key card real quick. Take my medicine and do it. Yeah. So then like, yeah, the guy in the front desk, like it's four in the morning. The guy in the front desk isn't going to judge me that much. Like whatever. So I go into the elevator, click the lobby, but it goes up to the rooftop bar. Because if I may interrupt, fucking elevators and hotels now are goddamn bullshit where you have

to use your key card to get to different floors and shit like that and and obviously this is a different situation where pastors didn't have his key card but 99% of the time i get in the elevator and i forgot that you have to have your key card out so i get in the elevator and i'm like oh fuck i start fumbling around for my wallet and i'm like ah shit's in this pocket i'm looking for the key card guess what elevator starts moving on me Wrong direction not the direction I wanted to go Because I didn't know I didn't have my keycard out Now I sent a complaint about this on the internet

And very quickly multiple hotel managers got back to me Which was a little bullshit And they're like actually dude It's to prevent sex trafficking and prostitution And I was like first of all Stop being a little bitch about prostitution I was going to say fuck that Stop trying to make it harder was like, first of all, stop being a little bitch about prostitution. I was going to say, fuck that. Second of all.

Stop trying to make it harder for the ladies of that night. Second of all, I also want to prevent sex trafficking, but at what cost? Like, it is mildly annoying for me

every time I get in. And I spend not a lot of time in hotels, but we're in hotels a couple times a month where it's like, all right, this is kind of paying the ass.

Just let me click my button and go to my fucking floor. Or at the very least, and this would be of no help to Pabst in this situation, like after 11 p.m. maybe you do the key card. Well, that's when the sex traffic happens. During the day, well, too bad. They gamed the system then. They figured it out. It's all the fucking loophole, Kevin.

Pabst, continue. I'm sorry to interrupt. You must – when you feel the elevator go – That way way you must have a fully closed. I'm like fuck My god they've underpin So late like no way anybody's up and like you said they do that to stop sexual Sex sex trafficking they actually caused sexual molestation in my case. Yeah. They're not doing it. Wait, wait, wait.

When it's going up, did the light light up? Did you know where you're going? So at that point, I'm thinking like, please stop at seven. Please stop at seven. And it goes seven, eight. I think I hit the master key. And that's why it took so long to get back down because I pressed every button. I forgot to bring that up. Every button's pushed and you're I forgot to bring that up. Every button's pushed

and you're going up to the rooftop bar. Maybe there's like, somebody's cleaning up up there like it's fucking late and then the doors open and out come 20 girls leaving the bar at the same time

because the bar was closing. 20 girls come in. I'm like, maybe I can just like hide in plain sight. I was like, I'm going to go in the corner and maybe they're drunk and they won't notice.

They notice. They notice the man in underwear in the elevator? I was like, eh. Good evening, ladies. They minded me. That was like, I would say, a three-minute elevator trip down because, like I said, I stopped every button. I pushed every button. Oh, God.

And for three minutes, I was touched at every single part of my body. Just sexually molested, man. This is a problem. We're just laughing. If it was a girl who was like, I came down seven floors. It took three minutes because I hit every button. And men just groped me for three straight minutes. A long time to be groped. Three minutes is a long time for anything. For a groping. Minutes of groped me for three straight minutes. A long time to be groped.

Three minutes is a long time for anything. For a groping. Minutes of groping. Three minutes of groping is a long time. I'll argue too much groping. I would say too much. If a chick was just standing in the corner of an elevator in her bra and thong getting rubbed by dudes.

Bro, I'd have my shirt off. I'd be holding it in front of her. Right, right, right. Like, here, do you want my clothes? Instead, because there is an um was there like a an elevator man too like oh yeah there was an elevator man yeah so that guy's he said dude why are your fucking clothes off i was like clearly i don't want to be i'm saying no so a bunch of drunk chicks sexually molesting paths down to the fucking lobby where then he's got to

get his key. And again, I would think at that point you're out of the woods too because that's the last people from the bar leaving. Like this guy is going to see me. The guy behind the desk is going to see me. He's going to maybe bring me to the back. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait a minute. You stay right there. What's going on? And then if that's not bad enough, I realize I'm going to have to wait for my key card. And I turn around and realize that there's 40 people with cameras out all videotaping me in my underwear. And I forgot to mention. I mentioned before that it was cold. So you know what that means.

Yeah, yeah. You know what that means. Yeah, that was – I mean it's a different story if you're fucking packing and you look great. I'd be like, yeah, whatever, whatever. For me over here, I'd be be like please put away your phones so this guy's just like making me do a security check like asking me questions who'd you come with what's company are you with it took like five minutes for me to get a key card and everybody is just videotaping me flashes on put your put your pants back on why are you in your underwear call me me underwear boy. We got the Italian sausage and underwear boy.

The adventures of KFC radio. Somebody make me a comic book cover of that. KFC radio with the Italian sausage and the comic book. I called this girl who's a friend of mine the next morning, and I was like, just want to let you know, this crazy thing happened to me last night. I got into an elevator with my underwear on. 20 girls started harassing me, touching crazy thing happened to me last night. Like, I got into an elevator, like, with my underwear on, blah, blah, blah. Like, 20 girls started, like, harassing me, like, touching me everywhere.

It's like, that's fucking hilarious. Like, imagine if that was the other way around. Like, 20 guys touched me while I was in my underwear. It is such the double standard. It is crazy. On a work trip, nonetheless. She would have been set financially for life. Yeah.

Here, it's like, you're going to get a microphone. I was going to say, microphone and we're going to put you on stage. Great news, Baz. So we are now on a quest to find some of that footage. Yeah. Because somebody

somewhere, six degrees of separation, is going to know somebody. If you were out in West Hollywood, if you were at the Tommy Hollywood Hotel, Desert No. 5, Desert No. 5

was the rooftop bar. It's also known as the Highlight Room, which I just found out. The Highlight Room. Somebody's got it. And this was what night? This was Friday night. Friday night.

Saturday. No, Friday night. Friday night. Friday night, last week, if you know somebody who was out in that area, just start asking around. We'll crowdsource this because, oh, my God, if like in a week from now we find that footage it has to be out there has to be out i mean it's got to be on

somebody's you know story or archive somewhere somebody posted it somewhere uh what's funny is like it's now i've been introduced to the world of like fin dom and like sexual humiliation or that's probably somebody's like what dream absolutely I'm sure that's like they're gonna like drop to that story right now I've been interested in the world of Vietnam and sexual humiliation

you have been 100% corrupted as a person came out here the best part of all that not the best part but a funny part

of all that is after I went I went Kevin texted me I was at the gym Saturday morning and Kevin texted me he's like yo

Pabst has a story and like anyone who's at the gym I'm looking for any excuse to leave. So I just fucking left and went to meet them at breakfast and I forgot my key card in the gym. And so I walk into the hotel lobby in the morning right after the breakfast

and I was like, hey, man, I forgot my key card from 506. And like, I don't think I broke stride. Yeah, no problem. I said it to the guy as I was walking in. He was like, yep. And I just went by his desk, grabbed it, walked in Didn't ask me a single In fact, I would have liked him to ask more questions

Because later in the night at our live show I said the exact My room number and hotel we were staying in That was great You dumb fucking idiot I almost did the same thing, but I caught myself After party at Feidelberg's place I said 506 earlier in the night.

And then you said Tommy Hollywood. I was like, yeah, it was Tommy Hollywood. Fuck. It was, it was quite the trip, man.

And that's the kind of shit, like, you know, I can't even imagine if we were on the road, like, 50 weeks a year. Although, I kind of like it,

like, I also think you do it that often, and it stops becoming as fun, it starts becoming work. Like, when we do it sparingly, it stops becoming as fun. It starts becoming work. When we do it sparingly, it's a blast every time, and all the laughs kind of build up. But it just seems like there's always something. Yeah. It's never just like, yeah, we went.

When you put together a bunch of immature drunks. Yeah. Fucked up shit happens. This was the fucking recipe for reality television for 25 years. Seriously. I mean, if there was a camera on. Can we have a bunch of childless drunks and we'll feed them alcohol? We would have had. Fucked up stuff happens. We would have had a season premiere and finale with what was going on. But then I sit around like, I am an adult.

I have kids. What am I doing? The only experience I had, I think I got totally L.A.'d by a guy. We were at the rooftop bar. And shout out to whoever was DJing at that Desert 5 spot Saturday night. This dude went on a run of, I'm not even kidding, 40 straight songs, 30 straight songs.

It was like a power hour of music where it was like 35 seconds of song after song after song from the 90s that all fucking smashed. They were all very similar. It went from similar guitar riffs and type songs.

Everybody knew the words to every song. We were rocking. And there was this dude who was... If David Blaine was more of a magician, if you can imagine that. If David Blaine was more dramatic. He had a black duster on, a wife beater, chains and tats, bleached blonde hair yeah shaved and bleached and we were kind of

watching him like he was kind of like in the crew next to us and he was just a vibe he was rocking out singing he was dancing with some chick with like big lips and big tits but then all of a sudden he started dancing with a dude i was like somebody's getting fucked tonight i don't know if it's a guy it's a girl maybe all of them this guy is just it was like watching somebody's getting fucked tonight. I don't know if it's a guy, it's a girl, maybe all of them. This guy is just, it was like watching like fucking Lenny Kravitz rock. You know what I mean? It was like, wow, this guy is a sexual whirlwind. So we were all like crushing on this guy a little bit. And then we end up kind of like the place gets more and more crowded.

We're kind of like next to each other. And he goes to me, yo, Kevin. And I was like, oh my God. And I'm thinking he just kind of knows me from barstool or whatever and I was like oh wow that's funny I just wouldn't think it but he says to me it's been a while since I've seen you man and I was like okay yeah what like it was something he was definitely acting like we knew we knew each other and like we knew each other from like like high school it

almost seemed like like I started to look at him being like are you you know like one of my buddies from like freshman year of high school who just became this like fucking rock dude and uh i think what happened was like somebody in his crew recognized me and he just went up to me and like played me for because he was like yo let me get your instagram and i like started showing him and he wasn't following me didn't know clearly doesn't know me that well he's not following me but just played like so la like yeah man like i'm somebody you're somebody let's you know let's talk fuck and i am i'm somebody you're somebody you want to fuck my wife the corner's all set up downstairs i got this naked guy in the elevator we're all we're all ready for it let's go what a fucking city dude Kevin

did pull one of the most fucking coolest moves I've ever been a part of and it's it's both coolest and like old man moves I've ever been a part of

in my life dude so we're as he mentioned we're dancing like this 90s music and we're all in our own little circle just kind of fucking

hammering around going nuts and Kevin at one point just reaches across everyone and hands me a phone like it's a molly tab.

Like, here you go, babe. And it's open to seamless to a Mexican restaurant. I was like, yes! And I put in my order, just hand the phone

back to him. I was like, half hour left, I'm going to go be downstairs eating Mexican food. Fucking right, baby. The food ended up being absolutely

terrible. Terrible. But it was, it was like like I could tell we were fading. I knew the party was coming to an end, and I wanted to finish on a strong note and then also have food ready for me. So I was like, this is it. We've got about a half hour left. This will take 20 minutes to deliver.

This will be perfect. Jackie was dead. She was sitting in the middle. She was just a corpse in the middle while we just danced around her singing songs. I was balancing beers on her head and shit like that. She was just a prop to play with at that point. And yeah, but the food, I mean, I watched John get

probably what would have to be a fourth wind by this point after our show, after the after party, after the after after party. I mean, he was like, just knowing that a burrito was at the finish line it was like it might have well been a bump of coke

like guys next time you feel like you need coke just order food the light at the end of the tunnel will be there for you yeah so it was

it was like a fucking it was like a it was like watching we need a reality TV show we need cameras at all time. Live entertainment, there's nothing like it. If you want to go see live entertainment, whether it's sports, comedy, music, anything live on stage, game time has got you covered.

You're going to need it for Taylor Swift because that shit sold out and people couldn't crash Ticketmaster and people can't get tickets to the tour. So whether you want to go see Taylor or if you're going to see us or anybody, your favorite team, basketball team, hockey team, football team, anybody that's on the field or on the stage. Might want to go see the 14-2 Boston Bruins. Fucking dynamos. They had true or false that are a problem.

They're a problem, brother. They're a big-time fucking problem. They are. So, I mean, brother. They're a big-time fucking problem. They are. So, I mean, obviously advanced analytics are not the real deal. They're a piece of the puzzle. They're a piece of the puzzle. They have two of the best defense in the NHL right now. They have a bunch of the best goal scorers in the NHL.

They have already right now a greater than 99% chance to make the playoffs. This is like the athletics analytics. They have a 20% chance to make the playoffs. This is like the athletics analytics. They have a 20% chance to win the Stanley Cup. Again, that's like. That's crazy. You have a bad week, and that drops to like three. Currently right now, the athletic, I don't know the formula. It's like a goal scored versus goal against.

Has them as a 20% chance to win the cup. That's crazy. There are 30 teams in the NHL. Yeah, that's bananas. They were one win the cup. That's crazy. There are 30 teams in the NHL. Yeah, that's bananas. They were 1-5 shot. That is nuts. If you haven't given GameTime a shot yet, here's what you do. Download the GameTime app. Go to the account tab. Click create a login.

Redeem code KFC at checkout for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Download the GameTime app. Create the login. Use code KFC at checkout. Get $20 off your first purchase. Last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed one minute man kfc radio edition we're gonna rattle through the topics of the week some of them we already touched upon with akash uh on the tuesday episode if you haven't heard that go give it a listen akash is hilarious uh but we begin uh with what I think is probably the most interesting

and intriguing thing in Hollywood right now, Harvey Weinstein's dick. Harvey Weinstein's penis is must-see to you. I gotta see this guy's dick. I mean... I gotta see this rapist's dick. I've never wanted this. I've been in a room with more dick than most people.

I've seen more dicks than 99% of straight men, I think. Definitely. I've been within grabbing distance of more dicks than 99% of straight men.

I've never seen a cock like this, dog. Well, apparently. I ain't never seen a cock like this. And I'll say this. Most cocks? Weird looking.

Weird. And I don't mean that in the sense that all 100. Most cocks, weird looking. Weird. And I don't mean that in the sense that all, 100% of cocks are weird looking. All cocks are not I mean 99% of them are a little fucked up.

Yeah. And this, like I see, whether it be they're discolored, I had one buddy whose dick looked like a zebra.

It was crazy. Like striped? Striped as hell. We used to make him fucking stretch it out so we could see the stripes get longer. It was real weird stuff.

I think, I'll be honest, I think the only thing I got going for me is that I got a normal dick. I do have the Neapolitan ice cream, the three colors, but I think the only thing is that I've got a nice looking dick. Bro, if you fucking walked into a police precinct and you said, this dude just showed me his dick, and they said, can you describe it for us, and they had a fucking artist draw it, they'd be like like this is the most we're never gonna find this guy in a million years this is just a dick

this is just a dick this is a dick but what they don't know is that most of them are fucked up looking right they're curved and they're fucking

striped and they're miscolored and they're fucking some have hoods and some don't and some have lumps my dick is a dick dude just a fucking cock

just a fucking no you know what though it's a dick it's a dick cause I was saying the other day I was talking to Mike Cannon who will be oh nevermind I was talking to dude just a fucking cock fucking no you know what though it's a dick it's a dick because i was i was saying the other day i was talking to mike cannon who will be oh never mind we were i was talking to mike cannon about um pete davidson and and he was like yeah you know you're you're tall uh you got you're funny and you got you know the most the most heart wrenching heart talk on your heart

strings background story of all time and I said yeah and a cock and he has a cock yeah we don't have a cock we don't I don't even know we have a dick we might have penises I got a dick dude

we might have penises you got a dick it fucking looks like a dick I might have a penis a penis I think little boys have penises I think little boys have penises you think I got a little boy dick

I think once you hit puberty you got a dick you hope you have a dick yeah I'm just saying it goes penis dick cock for sure and he's got a dick You hope you have a dick I'm just saying it goes penis, dick, cock And he's got a cock And then there's Harvey Weinstein It goes like this

It goes like penis, cock, dick, penis And then all the way down And off the screen is what Harvey Weinstein has And it's described I'm going to describe it as an appendage To me it sounds like a punishment Like from Like the bible I'm going to describe it as an appendage. To me, it sounds like a punishment from the Bible. Yeah, where they scored him and burned him.

It's something that was done to you in medieval times. Or maybe he didn't evolve. You know those guys who have a tail and shit? This is like if your dick didn't evolve to a human dick. It has been described as... Wait, here it is. I got the whole list. Quote, fish-like. I don't know what a fish dick looks like. I have no evolve to a human dick. It has been described as... Wait, here it is. I got the whole list. Yeah, okay. Quote, fish-like.

Fish-like. I don't know what a fish dick looks like. I have no idea what a fish dick looks like. Google fish dick, please. Fish penis. I think I have an idea of what this looks like. I think I've seen... What do you do? You fucking...

You got fish dicks in your life? No, no. I've seen it on Twitter before. What a fish dick. I think you have to... Because where does it... We're looking scientific here I think you have to

Pop penis in there I think yeah That's what I see Sea penis No no no That's a fish that looks Like a dick I want to see a fish's dick

Oh That's like a Sea Yeah like We need to see Fish penis You guys have to put penis in there Cause we're doing this for science

That thing that it's circled Like they're circling it Is These are all just things That look like dicks Yeah Type in Type in like A type of fish science. That thing that it's circled, like they're circling it, is, these are all just things that look like dicks. Type in, type in like a type of fish, like Trout's penis. Oh, that's

Stefan's dad's penis. Oh, you can't do this, because now I'm going to find Mike Trout. See, look at that. Okay, that's like, it's just a little dangly thing. Oh. That looks like a nipple than anything. Yeah. But I guess my thing is like, who are the, this was Gavin Newsom's wife. What does she know what fish sticks look like?

Yeah, yeah. You out here fishing, honey? It's like the sound of the Capistrana. What does the fish penis look like? There you go. That's going to get us an answer. Yeah, I think it's just a little thing that drops down. It looks like a fin almost.

So I think she meant. Quite nondescript. I think she meant more like it looks like one of those Fish animals Yeah yeah yeah Like that It's definitely grey Another one It looks like a fish

Harvey Weinstein's penis Looks like it smoked for 40 years It looked like it had been Chopped off And sewn back on Yeah I got a buddy's dick Looks like that too

What does that mean? I don't know Like stitches and shit No no no Like it looks like it belongs To another body It looked like It just has like uh it almost looks like so you know how like your fucking base just connects to your fucking pelvis yeah yeah it looked like there was like an extra piece of skin sure before the base starts i get that yeah you need like a smooth

blend in like uh yeah like almost like a like a balloon like you say you're holding the balloon and there's like the little part right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it got longer after that. Right. That little part, you're like, what is that? What's wrong there? What's that there? Dude, I've seen all these dicks before.

How about this? Mind you, I just want to be clear. I played hockey. I'm talking about hockey locker. Yeah, I'm not fucking these dicks. As far as we know. One said, quote, I didn't really see a full sack. I literally just saw a penis.

So there's nothing underneath it as well, because we also found out that he had his balls. And this was confirmed by multiple people, by the way. He's had his balls taken off and put inside of his thighs. Is there a reason? Yeah. God, I would smash my fucking balls so often. I, fuck.

You can't even do a jumping jack. It's like, this is what we do when you have this disease, like to your testicles, inside legs, disease. It's a thing, like this is how they do it. Because you've seen things like that before.

They grow an ear on your arm and shit like that. This is one of those things where I'll say this while you're looking it up. I don't get why he's even defending it. He has been convicted in New York State Court. He will serve 23 years here. This is how L.A. rape trials. Just fucking plead guilty and be remembered as, like, the rapist monster who also produced Good Will Hunting. Not the rapist monster who also produced Good Will Hunting and has a mangled penis.

Like when you're a kid and your parents are trying to be like, well, I want you to remember Gramps in this way. Let's not go see him in the hospital. And you're trying kid And your parents are trying to be like Well I want you to remember Gramps Like in this way Like let's not go see him in the hospital And you're trying to preserve the memory Preserve the memory Of a horrible rapist Who also produced a couple good movies Right And leave the mangled penis out of it

And you know what's crazy Because of an infection His testicles were actually Taken from the scrotum And put in his inner thighs Bruh I Yeah I also read it was

Because of like a syndrome It was like One of those things It was like Like Fuddleburg-Clancy syndrome. It was like a hyphenated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not take that one.

That's Italian sausage underwear boy syndrome. What's crazy to me is, I guess just that... I believe Harvey Weinstein's power... I can now comprehend Harvey Weinstein's power. I can now comprehend Harvey Weinstein's power, not because of all the rape he covered up, because of the deformed dick covered up. Like, I never heard any of this until now.

That's crazy. Because you would think that would get around. And those girls were like, I'm not going to say anything about that guy's fish dick because he scares me. That's a next level. I believe there's another quote that looked like he'd been run through a meat grinder. Yeah. So didn't see a sack, just a penis.

Another one said, I was disgusted. I had never seen a big guy naked like that. I just nervously laughed and thought, no, no, no. It looked like it was. I wiped a smile off your face. It looked, quote, deformed. It looked, quote, like he had been run through a meat grinder. Quote, he did not have testicles.

It appears that he had a vagina. And then my... Bro, imagine your dick's so small you got a pussy. Dude. Like, dude, we don't mean to fucking eat you out. No. You have a clit in there? Where's your fucking cock, dude?

And then my favorite was not really a description of a look, but it just said, he smelled like poop. So on top of all that, you've got a fish dick, you've got a deformed dick, you've got a mangled dick

with sewn in testicles, and on top of it, you smell like shit. Dude. That is... That's a fucking. That's a three-way loser. I would argue that he is the worst person ever to fuck.

Yeah. Because of like. That's why he had to do the rape and kill him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know. God, it's like you think you just pay for it or whatever. I mean, this dude. When people say like he's a monster, it's like this man is a figurative but also a literal monster.

It would be like if – you know what he looks like and seems like? It would be like if you fucked Shrek and Shrek was not a lovable monster. He was like an actual monster. And Shrek was gray instead of green. Right. He does look gray. Like Shrek with a bad illness. God.

Imagine you – imagine that though. You're like, all right, I'm going to fuck Harvey Weinstein. I'm going to do it for the role. Like you said, I'm going to be the next It Girl in Hollywood. I'm just going to do this, take it off, and he's got a vagina with fish scales and no balls. And you're just like, fuck! Why couldn't it have just been a small dick? Instead, it's got to be this.

It's like, God, what are you talking about? A triple whammy. Just the worst of the absolute worst and i also saw um that the defense was making gavin newsom's wife part of her testimony was that she faked an orgasm just to like have the sex end and um they were trying to make her do that in court like faking orgasm faking orgasm? Faking orgasm in court. I guess to see like,

I don't even know what the line of defense is there. Gross. It's awful. You got any audio? But where? What website? But she was like, absolutely not.

I'm not doing that. That is, I know that uh i'm always interested when when there's defense lawyers who have to defend like the very obvious look yourself in the mirror yeah like your jury did you got a job they always say the same thing they're like my job is to make sure the prosecution does their job and i have to uphold them to the standard of the law and the justice system and all that John Quincy Adams defended the uh who the fucking was it the guys got the redcoats got the snowballs thrown

at them yeah that's a Boston gangster shit I don't even know what you're talking about in the I think I want to say they were some of the first shots of the Revolutionary War uh with uh Christmas Atticus um where like Bostonians were just throwing snowballs at the British redcoats and And they opened fire.

Oh, right, right. They were, like, trying to get them to shoot, right? And then John Quincy Adams, I believe, defended them because everyone... You gotta fuck that. Which, one of the Adams, I think it was John Quincy. But, like, yeah, okay, you gotta do that, but you don't need to be, like... You don't need to try that hard. You don't need to make this girl who's been fucking raped by a fish dick

have an orgasm in the courtroom. You know, to make this girl who's been fucking raped by a fish dick have an orgasm in the courtroom. You goddamn monsters. You're just as bad as him. Imagine if she just fucking went all out the balls of the wall. That would be...

I didn't even skip a beat. I was hoping you'd ask that. Do you want, like... I have a couple of different versions. Which one do you want? His birthday? Yeah.

We're doing clit or vaginal? Which kind here uh so yeah harvey wants his dick gotta see it if anybody has a hookup for that please let me know oh fucking hell um next up jeopardy it's always my favorite when jeopardy is in the zeitgeist uh jeopardy's in a little bit of hot water for one of their clues uh in 2021 fugitive brian laundry ended his days in florida's michigachikaki creek area home to these long and toothy critters uh literally a million other ways to describe uh the critters that live in this this swan alligators yes i'm i'm assuming it's some sort of alligator, yeah.

Just didn't need the first part. Didn't need the alligators. It was alligators, yeah. You could have described anything else about that creek other than the fucking murderer who lived in it while he killed himself. I think this is great. It's very specific.

I think this is fantastic. Actually, I'll be honest, this kind of threw me for a loop. I wasn't... I was thinking... When you say critter, I think of a little Actually I'll be honest This kind of threw me For a loop I wasn't I was like I was thinking When you say critter I think of like

A little tiny thing Yeah I was thinking that Yeah I do too It said long I would have been like Salamanders I don't know So

Because I would have been Busy thinking about How Brian Laundrie Blew his head off In the swamp Yeah but like I fucking Fuck Brian Laundrie

We give a shit Also Brian Laundrie should be A weekly We should mock him Weekly on Jeopardy. No, agreed. His family was the

ones complaining because they have to like kind of go through this. Also, fuck Brian Laundrie's family who like almost 100% allegedly like aided

and abetted and like threw the police off. So like, fuck them, dude. Yeah. Dude, appalling and distasteful. Bro, you fucking

murdered somebody. You don't you don't get to say that guy sucks say he's not saying it. There's no chance. I have zero problem with this. I hope they double down and come back with more. Just like trash Brian Laundrie.

I always feel like the thing Brian Laundrie used to blow his brains out in a fucking swamp. Gun! Gun! Sorry, what is gun? Oh, I'm sorry. We're Sorry, what is gun? Oh, I'm sorry, we're looking for what is gun. Sorry, sorry.

That would be fucking great. This is what Brian Laundrie's brain matter blended in with and was diluted by after he killed himself. What is a marsh? That should be fucking weekly. We fucking clown Brian Laundrie for being a fucking scumbag suicidal bitch. Fuck that guy.

We've also got, if this guy is the big loser of the week, the big winner of the week is the guy who they're referring to as Uncle Chen. He's a 50-year-old man running a marathon in Japan that ran 26.2 miles while either smoking or lighting up a cig the entire way. Three hours and 28 minutes, dude. That's a good time. That's a good time. That's a good time. Like, anything in, like, the threes, the first half of the threes is, like, a solid time.

He finished 574th out of 1,500, and the whole time. Bro, that's crazy that 318 gets you 574. I would say it's higher. Yeah. Just the whole time, you got a SIG. And the best one is when he's running like this, and he's blocking the wind. Yeah.

And he's like that. Oh, this guy's awesome. Bro, I can't really... I can't fucking... This is such a great fuck you to all those losers. I can barely light a cigarette while walking.

Right. So, like, I have to, like, duck into a building. Yeah. But then also, like, I'm not great at smoking cigarettes and I could never

in a million years do this. But you gotta, you gotta feel like a real piece of shit when he's passing you. Right. Like, you're like, you get a loft of smoke and you know that the, the cigs he's smoking are like,

you know, like non filtered and shit. Yeah, exactly. So those are like the real deal. I remember one time, um, when I was in St.

Michael's, my freshman year of college and I was playing baseball and, um, the baseball team had to do, like, a charity run one morning that a lot of the school was doing, but, like, it was mandatory for the baseball team. And it was a Saturday morning or Sunday morning,

whatever it was, and I got fucking hammered the night before, as one does. And I'm running this. I'm running through the woods, and, like, literally, you ever, like, had so little food in your stomach? It's just liquid that you can hear the sloshing?

Yeah. Right? So I'm running through the woods. I just have beer just sloshing in my stomach. I can't run anyway, let alone fucking hungover, slash still drunk, all that shit. And I'm fucking running through the woods. It's like just these fucking wet squelching like fucking stranger thing. And as I'm running it bro like an 80 year old priest

in the fucking collar comes running by me and goes long night a son you gotta be fucking kidding me dude like i it was so early in the school year that i didn't know anyone or like priests or anything so i couldn't tell you what father this was but tell you he was a fucking blue hair he was wearing the collar while running and his past is just and that like i actually that that would probably be more embarrassing i love this though i love like the thought of like some dudes who were that that asshole who like you know hey man you want to come watch the game no no i can't i gotta train yeah i gotta train i gotta run 13 miles today because if i if i get off schedule for a single day i won't meet my goal and blah blah and then some dudes like very yeah i had a buddy who, I won't meet my goal and blah, blah, blah. And then some dude's like, peace.

Yeah. I had a buddy who ran the marathon, the Boston Marathon, and he his training was he stopped drinking and smoking a week before. And it worked. Yeah. And he's like, I just ran. And then I remember when we saw him, we saw him at the bottom of Heartbreak Hill, so like it should have been like he should have been dead

and he just came running by us. He was like, I have the beers ready! And he just kept running. running i mean you know when you're like that like you know if you're one of those people you know and for them they can they can just do it there are people who can just do these things and uncle chen was that fucking guy um we got new news from uh shaquille o'neal um what the fuck was that bro sneeze well Sneeze. Well, yeah, we know that. Yeah, I know. It was a sneeze. You're on for me.

I don't got anything else on that. You know, Shaq and Char holds... You sound like Davy Duck. There was the flat earth debate or whatever, all that kind of stuff. Shaq has some questions about the moon. I have a new theory. I have a new theory. There's more than the moon. These guys There's more than one moon

The moon was on the left And I was driving And now the moon's on the right It's gotta be more than one moon Did the other moon disappear, Shaq? Did you look back to the bottom of this pretty quick. What's funny is like, I, you know, like,

these guys are professionals and they know what they're doing. I think Shaq is like, yo, guys, I got like a segment. Don't worry. Don't worry. I got this. When we come back from commercial,

I got this. There's two moons. And even, I guess Chuck was even like, shut the fuck up man these these guys uh need need a podcast like i know i i don't ever want to hear them talk about basketball i yeah i'm done with them talking about basketball just talk about shit like this all the time the kenny the kenny uh shack whatever you want to call it. I just call it inside the NBA podcast would be the best podcast instantly. We're talking Rogan numbers right away.

There's just nobody that doesn't like these guys when you hear them. I love when he rocks that ring, too. That ring's got to be so big. To look big on Shaq's hand is fucking huge, man. Yeah, for real. I do get what he's saying. I don't get what he's saying, but I do understand the inability

to understand things like that. Daymoon fucks with me all the time. Daymoon has been a thing that's blown my mind for years now. I talked about that way back on Mail Time. The Daymoon is like... Shouldn't it be on the other side of the world?

Right? Because it's nighttime over there is like, I know it's always... Shouldn't it be on the other side of the world? Right? Because it's nighttime over there? It's not that it's... Yeah. It's always about the sun reflecting, right? It's like we see the sunlight hitting the moon and that's why we can see it. But if it's... Yeah, I don't know.

It should be over where it's nighttime. What are you doing here, moon? Get out of here, Moon. Good to go back to your fucking house. Are the people on the other hemisphere looking up and there's... Maybe that's it. Maybe when there's no moon on theirs. Because, you know, sometimes there's no moon in the cycles.

You know, and like there's... Yeah, sometimes there's no moon. Oh, I guess, I guess, I guess. Okay. There's no moon down there. There's a moon over... A day moon's over here. Maybe that makes sense.

Probably not. We're probably being idiots. No, it checks out. That would make the most sense to me if I had to describe something. Yeah. Yeah, I'll go with it. All right. That's the answer.

Yeah. And last here for One Minute Man, we've got SBF. I don't even care to find his real name. The dude who... Sam Bankman Freed. Sam Bankman Freed. I mean, when your name is Bankman and you steal everybody's money, that's classic. So at SBF, Sam Bankman Freed was the head of FTX, who is responsible for this entire collapse where everybody lost billions of dollars.

And the stories that are coming out about this FTX group now. Some are being proven false. I saw a therapist, a therapist for FTX, maybe they hired one to come talk to everybody, came out and said, this shit's not true, but I'm like, I don't think you're allowed to do that,

so I don't know. But the stories were that they were all hopped up on amphetamines. And Parkinson's medication. Not your standard stuff. Not your cocaine, your aderals. Not your regular speed, like the real speed. Yeah, it's called like Edmass or something like that.

It was like, it is a patch that you put on in order to combat Parkinson's. And the reason they were all vegan is because if you eat meat on this patch, you die. So they were all vegan which is a crazy fucking like risk to take imagine that like yeah it's like i'm gonna put this on you and it's like don't have a hamburger don't forget you eat some steak don't have a fucking like that's like a mcdonald's like lactose intolerant you're like gluten free and you're like yeah

there's no gluten in that right and they're like no no. If they fuck up when I have the shits, it'll be all right. If they're like, no, no, no, there's no meat in the sauce, and then you eat it, and you fucking die. You're dead. Because you're like, sorry, I wanted to code all night tonight. You fucking loser. Dude, this motherfucker's a fat vegan. Worse than being a fat vegan is he's a billionaire who fucked an ugly chick.

So the other, yeah, there's the amphetamine rumors. There's the rumor that they were all in like throuples and like just a polyamorous – there's another word for it. It's like polytaurus where it's like you're all in polyamorous – like you're a throuple, you're a throuple, you're a throuple. And they all kind of bang each other and shit. God. And the one girl That they are saying I haven't

I haven't criticized A woman's looks In a long time Right I have become Enlightened I don't really do that Kind of thing

No we're above that now We're above that now But we gotta Unless We gotta bro You're this fucking chick Because first of all She's a bad person

So therefore That opened the door Open game If she was Guess what If this chick just cured cancer I I don't say a goddamn fucking thing. But you stole money from five million people, and you're a fucking scumbag, and you have tweets like, nothing like being high on amphetamines to realize how low brain everyone else is. Also, guess what, bitch?

You look like a Harry Potter character. You are. Dude, like, all of that stuff, stuff yes is why she's fair game also when you're this ugly yeah it's fair game yeah she's like a rat who became to life like a disney movie where like a magic wand turned a rat into a human you're right that's what this trick looks like she looks like she's got like a like it almost looks like uh mad libs with like her face like somebody a nose from this person, teeth from this person, throw some Harry Potter glasses on you.

She looks like the girl from Harry Potter and the Ghost, right? Yeah, Moaning Myrtle. Moaning Myrtle. You look like that Myrtle bitch. She is heinous. Greasiest hair you ever did see. What's her name? Oh, my goodness.

Dude, she looks like a rat. Caroline Ellison. Caroline Ellison. She's got an overbite That fucking Caroline Ellison Looks like she was She looks like she is

A victim of inbreeding Like the British crown Created her And was like We can't take her in public Like the Kennedys did to Rose Like send her up to Maine Get the fuck out of here

Too ugly to represent Yeah Like get out of here too ugly to represent yeah like get out of here we know we know we're inbred and we're like this is too inbred oh let's do this

her dating profile can you make that a little larger I'm a polyamorous pansexual woman because you'll take whatever you can get HSV

she got to her one and two wait what's HSV no that's oh it's herpes simplex yeah right yeah that's dude

that was the how do you have herpes simplex one and two how do you have that that's... Oh, it's Herpes Simplex. Yeah, right? That's, dude, that was the... How do you have Herpes Simplex 1 and 2? How do you have that as the first thing in your dating profile? At least let me get to the end. Yo, I don't feel bad about making fun of this ugly chick at all. Yo, this girl. I currently have one long-distance romantic partner and one local partner. They got herpes.

I'm looking to find like-minded people and maybe build a poly... This is what I was talking about, a polycule. I'm 420 friendly and I just love to chill and watch movies or YouTube gamers I also like to sing and do art stuff not looking for hookups or couples a polycule is a connected network of people in non monogamous relationships

if you didn't know that already that's just like you're just banging a bunch of friends you're on a network you fuck each other let me hear her voice I bet it back in whatever it was june or july like should we even do yield farming at all and i was kind of like look at those teeth man whole thing seems like weird and it aren't there risks risks and like what if these platforms get hacked and like dude this is actually the best she's looked um bro i i'm not kidding you if you were to like what can you just google hsv make sure it's herpes simplex i'm almost positive right um i would say if you gave me the choice

of that girl. Wow, herpes simplex virus. She got one and two. Dude, second line of the dating profile. One, I'm looking to fuck everybody. Two, I got herpes. If I gave you the choice of

that girl sucking your dick or you just get to see Harvey Weinstein's dick. Yeah, right? Not even a question, right? I'm taking Harvey's fucking piece, bro. Sucking your dick Or you Just get to see Harvey Weinstein's dick Yeah right Not even a question right I'm taking Harvey's Fucking piece bro I'd rather look at you

I want to see Harvey's Little pussy I'd rather Here's a question I want to see Harvey's Fat little pussy Here's a question Would you rather finger

Harvey Weinstein's pussy Or hers Cause I don't think Harvey has herpes Dog I don't know What I want to finger Harvey's pussy though Dude

I gotta use two fingers To finger Harvey's pussy Like Bro I gotta use two fingers To finger Harvey's pussy Like I gotta jerk off Harvey Like this Yo My favorite thing In the world

I love The Feidelberg Dog face It's so great The dog face You don't even notice You said it You're like

I got I don't want a finger Harvey dog It's so good It's just like It makes everything That, dog. It's so good. It just makes everything that much funnier. It's so good. Dog, I don't want that. Not for me, dog.

That was a pass for me, dog. Amazing. All right. Let's get into a new segment, an old segment that's now under a new name because we have a big announcement. Much like we took all of our hypothetical questions from the KC Radio voicemail line way back in the day and turned it into a YouTube channel and then turned it into a card game,

we have done the same with all of the Am I the Asshole scenarios that we have come across on the internet. We've got a new game coming out called Who's the Biggest Asshole? A whole new set of cards. Rub my nips. Rub my nips. Feel them. They're hard. I'm so excited about this game.

Hard as a fuck. That's a thick jerk, too. Bitch poppin'. Who's the biggest asshole? fuck through that that's a thick shirt too yeah that's like a bitch popping uh who's popping who's the biggest asshole uh trademarked by us now um we tweaked the name a little bit obviously and we put together all of the best scenarios that have come from our our listeners have come from our personal lives we sat on a train ride home, the five of us, back from Providence, I think it was, for hours just throwing out, well, it's a 25-year-old girl and a 23-year-old man,

and this happens and this happens. Oh, no, what if they had this? What if the dog died? We came up with all these scenarios and turned it into a card game. As Pav said, and I agree with him, I actually think this will be more fun to play with family and friends than ATI. ATI is very hard.

ATI is a challenge to be funny. Yeah, right. So if you don't have a good answer, it's kind of like doing bad karaoke. It's like, eh. This is like, here's a scenario. Everyone's going to have opinions on it. And they range from some complex ones with some details all the way down to, I'm not going to my cousin's

wedding because I find her annoying. Everyone can relate to that one. So I feel like this is going to be... And what's cool about this one is ATI had some rules to the gameplay

that nobody ever played. I actually think this one will be more of a game. There are rules. There are pieces. You have a dealer and if you're in agreement on who's the asshole and the dealer is the judge, they decide who the asshole is and who gets pieces

and who gets to score. All that kind of stuff. So this will be on sale soon. Hopefully for Black Friday, there'll be a pre-sale. We were hoping to get it out for the holiday season. I think in this case, it might come out. Do we want to even tell them that or no? No.

Okay. Yeah. These will be on sale, hopefully on Black Friday. So you can get yours for the holiday season. We'll get you that Black Friday discount. But 500 of these that are just going to... This is going to create... This will become...

It's going to be very meta. I was playing who's the biggest asshole at Thanksgiving dinner table and now my family all hates each other because they were arguing who's the biggest asshole because it's going to get... Let's do a couple from here. Today's the biggest asshole because it's going to get so let's do a couple from here. You... Oh yeah.

Today's first ever Who's the Biggest Asshole? Straight from the deck is brought to you by Mugsy Jeans. Let me get my jacket. Tell them about Mugsy Jeans while I get the jacket. Well, Mugsy Jeans, the most comfortable jean on the market. We both have our jackets with them. I have the Sad Boy jacket.

Kevin's got the Moon Man with the plush inside. They are incredibly comfortable. They are made of stretched denim. I don't know if you saw this, but over the weekend, I've run into a smattering of I rip my pants all the time. I don't know how it happened. I don't know what's going on,

but I'm ripping pants all the time. I have yet to repair Muggsy's because they're stretched denim. They're comfy. They're cozy. They're one of the best brands we work with. Let me tell you about this jacket. I fucking love this jacket so much. I've had other jackets like this, like the

denim with the inside, and it's very bulky. If you wear it with like a sweatshirt on, you're like this the whole day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has... That's very smart to not have any in the sleeves. Yes. So this, the Sherpa is, first of all, very soft. And it's very thin.

And it's just like your chest and your neck. And then on the inside, you've just got satin. So it's like a smooth... Your arms just slide right in. And then you can move. And you can fucking dance. And it's also that way. It's not too hot because if you have the shirt all the way down, you can't wear this.

I wore this like you can leave this on all day, all night. This can be a part of your fit for the wintertime, and it's perfect for right now. Eventually, it'll be two degrees know, two degrees and you need your, like, parka. This is up until then for the fall and the winter. You can get your Mugsy Jean Moon Man jacket right now. You can get the blue denim one. That's perfect for, like, every fit. That's, like, a classic staple. Yeah, someone said to me, is it 1992?

Jean jacket is an absolute staple of all. Forever and ever. Like, forever. Yeah. I love when people out themselves like that. And it's like, oh, you just don't know. Oh, yeah, you don't know, have any idea. You're just a fucking idiot.

You're a goddamn fucking moron. They also have flannels, jackets, cashmere, holiday party pants, joggers, everything your closet needs over at Muggsy.com. That's Muggsy, M-U-G-S-Y dot com. 30% off the entire website right now, minus certain objects, certain items. But 30% off the Black Friday sale starts now for select items.

That's Mugsy.com. No code needed. No URL needed. Experience life-changing comfort with Mugsy. All right. First ever, who's the biggest asshole? Pick a card, Fights. Just tap it.

Any? alright first ever who's the biggest asshole pick a card fights just tap in any too hot for you bitch boy it's hot man you are a big fat pussy you are a Harvey Weinstein pussy dude I only flush the toilet when I poop. I don't see the issue with letting pee sit in the bowl and it saves water. You goddamn fucking monster. Animal.

You are. If you fucking mud shark, you're a goddamn monster. Is that what that's called? Mud shark? That's what they say in New Girl once. It is. If you are fucking... Horrible.

If you're pissing on piss... And I grew up with poor friends. I know people who literally do this to conserve water. Like water bill. It's not to save the world. It's to fucking conserve the water bill. I know there's towns that have problems with it and they need you to do that. That's not what mud sharking is.

That's when you take a shit on a shit. Yeah, that's even worse. That's mud sharking. So at least these guys have the fucking... At least these guys have the courtesy to flush the fucking shit down. Dude, I... That is disgusting. I mean, there's a reason.

I had friends who taught that where it was like... What is it? A toilet that already has a dump in it. Oh, man, bro. I thought mud sharking was when you fuck ugly chicks. Like, I'm going to go mud sharking. I thought it was something racial, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I've heard of mudsharking, the racial one. And then New Girl, I thought they said it was pee on pee. They probably did, but it's too offensive to say shit on shit. Yeah. But it is, if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. Yeah, yeah.

I grew up around those people. You're fucking monsters. You're absolutely fucking, you're vile, disgusting creatures. You fucking flush your fucking piss. Bro, have you ever, like, I've done before, like, I got drunk in the middle of the night. Actually, no, because that doesn't even count. I've done it where I don't want to flush to wake up the kids. Like, I don't want the flush noise.

But, like, I've gone into... If I go into a room and there's stale piss in there, I'll hold my nose and I'll flush it. I won't even piss on piss. Bro, I respect you that much. I don't want my fucking piss on your piss, bro. You're a fucking scumbag.

It's like Charlamagne farting in the toilet. I won't even piss on your piss, man. All right, here we go. Let's rattle through a couple more. I still have my ex's nudes on my phone. My fiance doesn't know about it, and I think it's harmless that I occasionally still look at them. Well, I'd be

a hypocrite if I said anything bad about this. I think this is fair game that everybody should have fair game. I think you all should do it. And that way it's like, you know, I don't know. You get to take a trip to Beverly.

I don't pound off to it anymore, but it's still there. But even if you did. Yeah. I don't know. It's like I would almost – I would be like if I was doing this and you weren't and I was in a relationship with you, I would feel bad about it. But it's like rather than me stop, how about you start? Yeah.

And then we all... Because everybody has some spanked bank. That's dipping your toes into polyculti or whatever it's called. Yeah, polycudle or whatever. I feel like everybody has a last... The last chick you fucked or guy you fucked or the best you fucked or the one memory you had or the one you filmed that you loved or guy you fucked or the best you fucked or the one memory you had or the, you know,

the one you filmed that you loved or whatever. And it's like, as long as you're not, you know. Bro, here's the deal. I just don't like

closing doors. Once I delete them, man, that's gone forever. That's over. Right. Now it's like, there's still a little.

Well, and there, and maybe someone will come back around one day. And right there is the reason why your new girlfriend wants you to delete it. Because when you watch the old one, you're like, oh, yeah, I remember that. But I would say this.

I would say this. I forgot about the landing strip phase. Because, by the way, I'm totally off on landing strips. I don't know what happened. I used to be big on landing strips. Yeah, now you're back to fully shaved? Oh, no, no, no. You want the full bush. I'm fully shaved. I'm fully bushed. I'm either or. But the landing be big on landing strips. Yeah, now you're back to fully shaved? Oh, no, no, no. You went the full bush. I'm

fully shaved. I'm fully bushed. I'm either or. But the landing strip, that in particular, not for me. Yeah, interesting. I think let this be a lesson to any boyfriend or girlfriend currently. Make sure

that your news game is fire. Make sure it's good enough that your boyfriend. Yeah. Well, no, no. Well, yeah, I guess that eventually. See, that's the problem. I was going to say, make sure your current girlfriend or boyfriend, make sure you send enough fucking news.

Oh, no, not me anymore. I'm post-news. You live in a post-news society. Nudes aren't a thing anymore. I will say. If you're out of high school and you're sending nudes, fucking grow up. I think, no, I don't agree with that. What I do think is that you do go through a phase.

Oh, I went through a phase where I was ripping nudes every night. Bro, the Holy's Coast got fucking John Fyler. Bro, I went through a phase where I was fucking Spielberg, bro. I was putting out entire motion pictures, okay? I would go, I would edit my nudes. I would get into the editing bed. You were facetuned? I was, no, no, I'm talking, I had multiple camera angles. I'm splicing footage together. That's how one Minuteman started. I have movies out there. And then I think you do that enough, and you kind of scratch that itch. And I'm like, wait, you want me to get naked?

Get the fuck out of here. And then it also becomes a thing, too. It becomes a thing. If you've ever had the situation where your girl finds old nudes or somebody fucking threatens you with old nudes. Yeah, well, I think we're top secret because we have a keep safe. They'll never find it here.

No one knows where. The app that says lock on X is nudes right here. But once it becomes an issue and then you fight about it or whatever, eventually those things add up. So it's like, I'm worried about mine leaking. I'm in a fight with my new girlfriend. The old girlfriend

is mad about it eventually you're just like i've seen myself fuck enough yeah and i've seen you naked enough like i'm just not doing it anymore uh that all that being said i do think you have to keep the nude game alive in a relationship i think it's one of the in the courtship process it's like so important and it's like anything else where you just stop doing it and it's one of the in the courtship process it's like so important and it's like anything else where you just stop doing it and it's like well yeah this relationship sucks now because we stopped doing all the fun stuff yeah you know all the flirting all the fucking all of the things you do in the beginning that's awesome when you stop doing all that guess what they're gonna go look at other people's dudes they're gonna go you know so you got to keep the the sexting alive or they're

gonna go look at the exes. I was planning to pay for my daughter's wedding, but I'm not going to anymore because I found out she cheated on her fiance. Why do you know that? Like, why is she telling him? The only way she knows is because he told her. No, I mean, there's a million ways You can find out someone's cheating I don't know

Instagram You know like There could be a zillion ways People find out And then Then But a dad isn't going through Fucking shit like that

I feel like the only way A dad finds out you cheated Is because he feels like Dad had cheated I think there's many ways That could happen I think like the sibling finds out and then relays it sibling tells you the how about your fucking siblings

not being fucking cunts yeah i mean listen i i agree with you that okay let's just assume the dad has found out because there is ways that that could happen i i feel like you're just now you're double punishing the fiancee it's like oh your daughter's a whore and now i've got to pay 50 grand thanks so much you know but i could also see the flip side of the dad being like you're not gonna last this is not a good idea yeah you're already you're already fucking other people and now we're gonna do this whole dog and pony show and i'm gonna pay for it and we're all gonna go and then another one and then yeah and then we're all the whole family's gonna be embarrassed because you're going to end up dumping this guy. And we know it because you're already fucking other people.

That's a great point. I think it's more of a not necessarily a punishment. It is a punishment, but the intention is to save you. It's like, I'm not even going to let you go through with this, so I won't pay for this. And if you guys come up with your own money, then I can't stop you. But I'm at least going to try to stop this because I already know you're in a bad spot. That hadn't occurred to me. And you're a fucking slut.

That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. So I actually think while it's a bit of a, you know, to so many couples who break up, get divorced, whatever, a lot of them always say, like, why didn't anybody tell me? And either, A, they blatantly were and you were like ignoring them. B, they were like afraid to because you're the type of person who would be like, fuck you,

I'll cut you out of my life. Or C, they do in the situation like this, it's like they're going to tell you and they're going to fucking stop you and they're going to be pissed about it. But this is what- In the end, it's for your benefit. It's some alcohol, rubbing alcohol on a cut. Right. It's going to hurt, but it's going to be pissed about it but this is what in the end it's it's for your for your benefit it's some alcohol uh rubbing alcohol on a cup right it's gonna hurt but it's gonna

it's what you long run you fucking need it's what you want it's not what you want to hear it's what you need to hear um i know i know that my blind date liked museums and history so i took her to the 9-11 memorial i did not realize that someone in her family had died on 9-11. From up here to down here. And up there. The three octaves of the lamp. I know that you're an asshole.

How could you know that? Yes, that part I'm okay with. I think you're an asshole for picking the 9-11 memorial to begin with. 9-11 is interesting as hell. Bro, I'm on it. I prefer it didn't happen to deny its interest is crazy. Bro, I, yes. Okay, so

is the Holocaust. Are we gonna go there for a date? Sure. Why not? Blind date? Nah, check it out. First date? Yeah. Trying to get that pee wet? No, you know I'm a guy. Trying to get some of that puh? You know I'm a fucking museum guy. 9-11? You know I'm a museum first date guy. Yes? No. Did you ever take them to horrific mass genocidal events? Only the Jewish girls.

That was almost all over your mind. I almost gave you a full facial right there. I mean, that is, you know, that's not the move, whether the person has family jumping out of the building or not. Like, 9-11 is not the place. Whoa, did you hear this? They jumped because it was going to do hot? They were going to catch on fire? What floor was your uncle on?

So, can I pick you up again? Yeah. Friday night at 8? Was your uncle the one who rode a piece of cement down like a surf remember that rumor someone just fucking surfed down we all had that one yeah that's actually another one uh in the deck that i don't have on me right now but i know of it um is that i whisper in my boyfriend's ear about national tragedies to help him last longer in bed yeah i'd like who's the biggest, I'd like that. Who's the biggest asshole?

I'd like that for sure. And I'll tell you what. Luckily, I just have a Roman instead. But I think this is brilliant. I think, truly, the only thing that will keep me from coming, like when people think about baseball, it's like, nah. Think about grandma, no.

If you come up with some horrific Like You know The Lindbergh baby But here's the deal though Here's the deal though You're playing with fire Cause all of a sudden I get turned on by it What if I fuck

What if someone starts Whispering my ear about Child soldiers I fucking cum That's a fetish I didn't want to unlock They lose their limbs While they pick up the diamonds

Talk to me more What else What else happens? You say the Uyghurs are in fucking concentration camps? Oh, God. They wear their ears around their necklace like a trophy? Yeah! I mean, that's a dangerous, that's a slippery slope.

That's like going down a hill that Jackie walked you on, you know? It's the fucking next thing you know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And here was he with his skin was melting off! I wouldn't come. I wouldn't come, but somebody would. Somebody would. That would be such a fucking sobering moment. Oh my God.

I need to go to the bathroom for a second. Just get my wits right about me. Sorry, I just came. Wouldn't that be funny? The Japanese person's skin falling off. How about that? What about if you use that as a tactic? Not to try to make him come longer, last longer.

What if every time your boyfriend was already coming you whisper something like that just to fuck with him but you you laughed you yeah yeah yeah yeah I know I'm fucking jerking off the World War two movies exactly just why all dads watch a history channel um okay let me get like one more oh here's one i made my family take photos for our annual christmas card at my grandfather's funeral that summer it's literally the only time that we'll be together and all dressed up nice so you can see sprinkled in throughout our personal stories from us i I would say the majority of these are real. Or like, you know, based in reality and tweaked a little bit

because we have to make it fit all in one card. So you don't find out I'm talking about exactly about my mother? There's a few that I'm really hoping certain people don't play this game. Yeah, because they're going to know. They are going to know. By the way, she's only the asshole in that situation because

we were actively crying in the picture if like if she'd gotten like uh like a nice shot while we were like it just in we were dressed up nicely that's fine but we were like in the christmas card we were crying it was four kids just crying because grandma died actually i think it was only three i think i think my little sister i think she was like a baby baby It was four kids just crying. Because grandma died. Actually, I think it was only three. I think my little sister, I think she was like a baby, baby in it. She didn't know what was going on. But the rest of us were crying. Okay, let's do a few more.

I mean, these are fucking good. This is very fun. I told my coworker. This is the more fun I thought it was going to be. I told my coworker she looks like Charlize theron when she was in the movie monster now everyone's mad at me but i genuinely think charlie's theron looks good in every movie including that one you cannot tell me that you think charlie's down looks good in monster she looks like a fucking a new jersey turnpike lot lizard hooker. She's disgusting. She'll always put on like 60 pounds

to play her. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to spin it, bro. Look at that sixth one. Bottom second row. Bro, I can't believe she looks like this. I mean, come on! You can't tell me that you think that that is an attractive woman.

What does she do? She's a murderer. It's a true story, right? She killed these guys on the road or something. Eileen Wardrow, she was the only female serial killer that that is an attractive woman. What does she do? She's a murderer. It's a true story, right? Yeah. She killed these guys on the road or something. Eileen Wardrow, she was the only female serial killer that's existed. Which is gangster

and kind of sexy. Yeah. I feel like if I found the only female serial killer, I would fuck her. I'd fuck her. I'd be like, you're going to kill me

after this, right? Can you promise? Because I can't live with myself after I do this. Don't tell anyone. Tell anyone you just killed me. Isn't that pretty cool? But also to pull it off, you've got to be a fucking butch bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, I'm such a bull dyke that I can kill men on the road. I mean, that's like, you're not attractive. I can't believe that. She looks nothing like Charlize Theron. She won the Oscar for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's like, you know, you're not attractive. I can't believe that. She looks nothing like Charlize Theron. It's one of, she won the Oscar for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, you would literally. But she must be in makeup and stuff too, right?

Like, like, like, like, like things like added to her face. Oh, yeah. Prosthetics and shit, yeah. Prosthetics and shit. I would hope that, to be honest, she deserves the Oscar, but I hope that like hair and makeup and shit won the Oscar as well because it's a full fucking transformation. The movie. I haven't seen the movie.

Is it good? John, John, you want to, you want to like, remember when you did the argument thing about the Doritos and you won with like an open and shut case? Okay. Here's all the evidence you need. The title of the movie is Monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Done.

Done. Okay Done Done My husband has a tin Where he collects All of his Toenail clippings This is some shit you do He's been No Come on

No He's been doing it for over five years One day I got grossed out by the whole thing And threw it all out You are not the asshole. Your husband is the asshole for sure. Bro, anyone who does this kind of shit. Disagree.

Anyone who does this kind of shit, you're a fucking psychopath. I guess the only way you're not the asshole is because your husband is going to snap and kill you because he's a fucking psycho. But like. John, I don't care what you do. You do something every day for five years and I just throw it out. I don't. You are. You are.

You're going to get murdered. I would do that in a heartbeat. I would do it in absolute. If I learned that this was a thing happening under my roof. No, no. Why? What?

Why does it harm you? It's just, it's just knowing it's in my house is like, it's too. I, I cut my, I cut my fingernails over the sink. I cut my toenails, a toilet, and I fucking flush it and wash it down right away.

People who, I think if you cut your fingernails or toenails in just like outside of the bathroom, you're a fucking animal. I think toenails and fingernails are disgusting. Disgusting. If he did it like in the bathroom, didn't make a mess, just had like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, Didn't make a mess. Just had, like, fell there. Put it away. No, you're a fucking psycho. And you went snooping, and you found it.

Maybe I would get rid of it. Five years, John. I don't care. This man clearly has something that, for some reason, he does it. What if it's like he is Dexter, and this is like he needs these fucking things? Time to grow out of it. I will not waver. I will not falter on this.

You're a fucking animal. That is disgusting. Absolute animal. That would make me go to that. You know what's really gross? Have you ever clipped your fingernails and then they fall on the white sink and you realize how gross they were

because the real white is there imagine like years of that oh um uh I got custom decals for my jeeps that it looks exactly like the ones from Jurassic Park not the asshole you're fucking awesome

bro you are you're awesome for a week that is so cool Jurassic Park. Not the asshole. You're fucking awesome, bro. You are. You're awesome for a week. That is so cool. You're awesome for a week. And then you're like, I don't want to keep driving around a fucking movie prop. Right, right, right. From 1996. You're awesome for the first time that you pick me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that's it, dude. After that, dude. Because then I'd be like, hey, how about you fucking stop honking at me on the road? Oh, and that honk has got to be a rah. Everyone. No, I mean like cars honking at me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want to fucking drive. Well, that's the problem. When you initially do it, you're looking for attention. But also, you know, don't you dare ever need to sneak around or do something like that. You know what I mean?

Like, I got to run over to her house and like, you know, see her. No, you're not. Not in the fucking jurassic park mobile oh boy i told my girlfriend that being depressed isn't an excuse for being lazy and now she's giving me the silent treatment i'm depressed but i still go to work every day and do all the housework i don't think that one's for me some of these i go kind of but i don't think it is me that's fucking how about this one i told my girlfriend that having a stomach pass

told my girlfriend having a stomach ache isn't a good excuse for not having sex. She does have IBS, but I think she exaggerates it. Yeah, Dad, you're the asshole. Bro, if someone's going to shit the bed, I'll fucking pound off tonight. I think you need...

I think there is... See, I don't know, man. I go back and forth because I've been on the other end of that. And you do that over and over and over again. And eventually, you don't have a sex life.

Or you feel rejected. You're upset about it. Whatever, you know. But also, you got to listen to people when they tell you certain things about their body. IBS, dude? What about IBS right now? We're talking about shit your pants syndrome. But here's the thing.

A lot of girls do say they have IBS when they don't have IBS. No, they're just like, jeez. Yeah, we've been over this before. Every girl who ever farted a lot got so excited when there was a term for it. Yeah, yeah. And everybody agreed, if we all just say we have IBS, it's okay. So they all lean on that. And it's like, no, you just had a bunch of Taco Bell last night.

Relax, you know? But they love to say that. And then when they give themselves a disease, they can lean on that. And it's like, no, you just had a bunch of Taco Bell last night. Relax. You know? So, but they love to say that. And then when they give themselves a disease, they can lean on it. And next thing you know, they're never fucking you. Yeah. But when a girl says like, but I think that it's over anyway. In that case, your girl's just like every night. Like, sorry, IBS.

You have like one window to save it, you know? But yeah, man, that's why you got to be careful. Like you know? But, yeah, man. That's why you got to be careful. Like, you want to do any backdoor play. You're getting into some kinky shit. Bro, I've never fucked anyone with IBS in the ass. That's a fact. I've seen Zack and Miri talking.

Yeah, so this is it, man. You can see how this game goes. It's very fun. You can do it just like we did it where you're just bullshitting and arguing. There's also the point system that you can hand out points and have a winner in the end. It's awesome. Go check it out. It'll be on sale this holiday season.

Who's the biggest asshole? We'll do new ones every week on the podcast from the new card game. Also, submit yours if you want to be a part of the card game. You can leave video voicemails. You can tweet us, DM us, whatever, with all your scenarios as well. Alright. Voicemails

are brought to you by Curve. The Curve card is probably my coolest possession. It is. It's heavy. The way is a very important part of it you know shout out to uh the card the the the credit card world because they came up with the idea of a a weighty thick black card and it just instantly makes you look cool and on top of it, it's functional. So not only is it cool, like I'll tell you

when we did Barstool Gold, we sent everybody a thick black card like this and guess what? It's cool. It doesn't do anything. You want to know why Curve's cooler? Because it actually does something. And what it does is it allows you to split up your bills. You can put your debit card on there. You can put your one credit card,

your second credit card, your second credit card, your third credit card, everything all onto one card. And then when you use it, you swipe it, you tap it. By the way, if there's ever an option to tap and you're still swiping or sticking in, you're an idiot. Always tap. And then you can decide which card you want to put that bill on. You can even retroactively

divvy it all up. Also, you'll earn points through Curve, which doesn't affect your points through your bank or your other credit cards, just in addition to. In addition to. In addition to. Oh. What was that?

Bro. I don't know what that was. That was my life that was that was it that was jackie's noise that was amazing in addition to you get your voice my hands on my nipples In a distant town. That's my new voice, bro. That's my new voice, bro. You can go to Curve.com slash Barstool. Get $20 worth of free Curve cash and get all the points and all the ease of use. Sign up now today at Curve.com slash Barstool. I got a question for you guys. If you could get three resets in life, so like if you knew during a 24-hour period,

man, I wish I could like relive that or like I've done something differently, when would you use them? And like, for example, my wife bought Taylor Swift tickets yesterday and was an idiot and only bought two of them instead of maxed out. So we could have, like, resold them or, like, gave them to other people. When would be a time that you would use that? So you can't use it, like, to go back in time, like, and play the Powerball if you never played it to begin with. Like, only things that you actually did that you wish you could, like, fix and, like we said. Let me know.

First of all, as soon as you said, in addition to, it jogged my memory for the new hottest shirt on the streets. Depending on which team you're on, we made the joke. Just the soup, please, was one of the greatest moments of my life. I don't know. I can't think of any singular moment I'd like to change in my life. I like this question because it is either, I mean, it depends how you want to hear it. You can either –

Fix something or – Or just relive. Right. Which I would probably lean towards the fixing things because reliving it is never going to – Live up to the same height. Yeah. Do it again. And I got –

Ma'am. So you can change things. You can change things. You can't just do other things. You can't just be like, I would go back in time and like, you know, like you said, play Powerball. It's like you never played Powerball, you know? Right. But I think you could say like, I usually always played the same numbers and one day

I didn't. And like the numbers hit it's like that's the thing you were doing i think that qualifies that counts i've never played the powerball i say it every time i never do it um you know i would obviously radically fix all my uh my my relationship life um there's there's about three different instances in that i could change yeah i got a couple i don't want to say out loud. Let me tell you this much. If you are

doing a podcast or you're answering this question with a bunch of friends or whatever, and you can say your things out loud, you don't have a thing. You've lived a blessed life. If you can publicly state your biggest regrets and what you want changed

and not feel enough shame about speaking out loud, you don't have any regrets. Actually, you know what? I would relive 28 to 3. I think that would still live to the hype. I think I would... It wouldn't be the same because I knew it was coming, but I would know to savor it more.

To live through every moment and be like... I was in fucking like, oh my god mode. I would know to savor it more. To live through every moment and be like, yeah. I was in fucking like, oh, my God mode. I would be like, if I could relive 28-3 where I'm running around the stadium being like, we're fucking coming back, you fucking idiots. Watch. Watch. I bet you we're going to win.

I bet you we're going to win. And I wouldn't even place bets. I just want my people to remember my fucking face. Remember my face. We're winning this game. I face. We're winning this game. I guarantee you we're winning this game. You know what's crazy? Not that time, but you guys have basically done that already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With other games and in the broad scheme of things. You did that with your heirlooms rant. Yeah, yeah. It was a season-long thing, but you did it already. You've already experienced that love, that rush. You've already experienced it with David Price. With David Price.

There are other things, too. I might want to do the Seahawks game again. You know, I believe I heard the other day that it was... The Seahawks didn't give up 200 yards passing all season. Brady had 200 in the fourth quarter. Wow. Yeah, that's one of those things where it's like, you know, yeah,

run the ball, but god damn, your defense let up a fucking – Two or three touchdowns and 200 yards in the fourth quarter. It's crazy. It's arguably his best fourth quarter of all time. And he came back 28-3 in the fourth quarter. And all they needed to do was run the fucking football. Yeah, I think everything would be sports related. I was at Game 3,

Stanley Cup Finals 2011. I'd do that again. I don't think I'd have anything I'd change. I completely flipped from what I said to start. I was going to say I would only change things. I don't know. I'm kind of of the belief of the happy

accidents. I haven't had any catastrophic regrets. There's shit I'm like, man, in a perfect world, that wouldn't have happened accidents like i haven't had any catastrophic regrets right there's shit i'm like man a perfect world that wouldn't happen right but i don't have any like catastrophic things there are things i would have caught earlier yeah yeah there's there's see there's things it's like and then then the question is like okay obviously uh in my case it's like would you would you fix the fix the scandal you went through or would you just rewind time all the way back to the beginning and not even go down that road?

It's like, do you fix the one thing or do you go back to when I was fucking born and decide to do this instead? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do chemo and cut the cancer out. Right. I don't know. I really – I think once you also have lived through some shit

Like I don't If you think If you really let like regret get you down Like you'll fucking You'll implode Yeah Like there's so You can regret something every single day of your life

And I just Don't I'm just like I don't know Just live it out you know Tweet through it baby But you know what I would... Just live through it. Yeah, just live through it. I would say I would go back in time and try to pick up

a healthy gambling habit. If I could become a good steady gambler, I would probably have a lot more money now. Which is not a sentence that anybody in the world can say except for three people. And there's two of them doing it right now guess who's the third next voicemail yo kfc final bird i guess

you can throw a jack in there too i guess italian sausage uh would you ever let your friend be homeless or like would you offer to give them like your couch because i'm gonna be homeless in two or three days not a single one of my close friends from over 10 years who knows what's going on has offered me even the slightest like just to keep me out of the cold um my second question is have you ever been so cold that you go to like beat your dick and your nuts are just so far in your stomach and then you go to beat your dick it's like a little fucking baby dick like i'm sitting there trying to beat like i got two fingers fucking on my two inch fucking cock jesus christ i'm just like bro is this even worth it because it's so shriveled up i just can't even get it so i love this guy he's got a lip in he made sure

to specify i guess jackie to then talk about fucking jerking off his fucking two-inch fucking cock. And, yeah, wow. I haven't been like that where it's like that, but I've been so cold that my nuts are so, like, shriveled up. I guess it's kind of what he's describing. Where, like, I'm basically just punching myself in the balls. You're just like... Because they're so up. There's no hang going on.

Have you ever had the opposite? Have you ever had the opposite where they're flapping and it's like a dog door? It's like flapping all the way up and flapping all the way back. You ever slap your own ass with your balls? All the time, bro. That noise is so funny. They jerk off like this.

Bro, if you can get it going where you're swinging like a grandfather clock and it's hitting her on the way up and you on the way back, it's like a metronome of fucking, you know? Click, clack, click, clack. What was the question? That was that one. We answered that one, I think. That was the second one.

The first one, it was would you give your couch to a friend? Oh, yeah, yeah We answered that one, I think. That was the second one. The first one, it was, would you give your couch to a friend? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it. I've always wondered how people get homeless and I think the answer... Oh, I made a solemn promise.

Similar to the tornado situation. I will never be homeless. I will never be homeless. Yeah, like, I think that way, too. I think the only way people become homeless is when you are, like,

a dangerous addict. Right, right. And it's like, bro, I would love to keep you in my house But you're selling my television You're a danger to my kids And it's usually like 10 times Three strikes and you're out

They give you three more sets Because people love you and they want to help you And eventually it's like you sold my wife's engagement ring For drug money or whatever Or like you bring shady people around the house Or you scare my kids or whatever um but like like i've always wondered how do you how are you homeless your first day of homelessness i understand now look at you no one wants you in house yeah but that first day where you're like i you know rent is i got kicked out i can't pay my rent you know i have

no parents like but you're still like i got clothes i'm clean can i stay at your place and everybody says no even when you are a bar and pick someone up like fucking up something yeah like that very first day could you the first day like homeless people now they're're like, all right, I shit behind that dumpster. Over here is where the guys give you the most money when you're panhandling. If you go to this dumpster at this time, they actually put out like the sushi. It's actually still kind of fresh. Right, right, right. Fresh bagels.

That first day when you don't know any of that shit and you're just like, so I'm homeless. I got about another, you know, 10 hours till I go to sleep on the sidewalk, I guess. So, what do you got? Hey, what's up? What are you guys doing? You got any pennies? You got any, like, what do you do that first day? That's got to be worse than first day of high school.

Yeah. I don't know anybody. This is awkward. If someone had a sign that said, this is my first day of homelessness, I'd be like, here you go. Yeah. That would be it for me.

But yeah, I don't think I'll ever be homeless. I'll always have somebody that will take care of me. I make a goddamn promise. I'll never be homeless. Last voicemail. Is it the last one? Last voicemail today is brought to you by Proper Wild. Grab me Proper Wild there.

Want a hit? Today, we're just finishing up the podcast here now. We've got to go to our live show tonight at Caroline's. I'm already dragging. I woke up today. We're just finishing up the podcast here now. We've got to go to our live show tonight at Caroline's. I'm already dragging. I woke up today. I thought I was going to have another two hours of sleep. I had a very bad night of sleep last night.

Really bad. I woke up twice. One time I ate a half pint of ice cream. One time took a shit. Actually, I woke up a couple times. One time I ate a spicy chicken. Essentially, kicking cayenne cutlets that I cooked from HelloFresh. I I had an extra one left over so I ate that at about three in the morning went back to bed 3 a.m chicken I thought we talked about this my skeleton over the night that woke me up my 12 foot skeleton

crashed into my fucking building I really wish you were like on the online dating apps like imagine like on it like on your first date on hinge like well my my 12 foot skeleton fell over last night my balcony it fell into my and so when you're living that lifestyle me night in New York last night you didn't it when you're living like that and you need that I left a fucking chair out on the porch like a chair chair that's where that's gone that's done and you need that. I left a fucking chair out on the porch like a chair chair. That's where that's gone. That's done.

If you need that extra boost for your energy or your focus or your productivity and you don't want any of the jitters or that crash, proper wild is the way to do it. It's got no preservatives. It's got no artificial sweeteners. It's got none of those horrible chemicals. It's like I remember thinking like, yeah, this little thing like juices me up for like six hours, there's no way that this is healthy for me. And they were right. All those other brands were terrible for you. And that's where proper wild came in and figured out how to do it with a natural tasting energy shot,

clean ingredients that work. Uh, and if you're like me, if you're like 30 plus, or if you have kids and you got that drag in the, in the middle of the day, you can't get out of bed in the morning, or you need to stay up late and party with the kids, you need that extra shot of energy. I probably could have used that for the night in LA. We were up on the rooftop. I'm like, good night, kids. I'm going to bed. If I had a proper wild, I could have kept on going. So go to properwild.com slash barstool.

30% off any of their products. Properwild.com slash barstool. My favorite here is the peach mango. And I'm not usually a peach guy, but you start mixing up. When peach is mixed with other things, I fuck with it. I've been on a big mango rip. I eat mango sour straws every single day. There you go.

Peach mango. Keep your energy up. That's properwild.com slash barstool. KFC, Fights, Fresno Crew, what up? Got a question for you. So the other day, I'm sure y'all saw Tom Segura got Burt Kreischer Hitler's teacup as a birthday gift. So the question is, what would be the worst but most hilarious gift that y'all could get? Fuck me, dude.

What would I get, Feidelberg? Kevin, a prenup. Bro, you know what's sort of funny? What's kind of funny is like in a different way, I would get you the same thing. What did you get me? Like if I could get you a prenup, if we could sign some paperwork

for Saturdays with the Boys and everything like that. Like you needed one too. If we could both some paperwork for Saturdays with the Boys and everything like that. Like, you need one too. If we could both go back in time and sign some documents that keeps the money that we deserve in our pockets. We would both really benefit. That's one of those moments like, what'd you get me? A prenup. What'd you get me?

A prenup. What'd you get me? A prenup too. Yes. Oh, God. I want you all to run back the tape and look at that on YouTube. I literally, it was like a sniper got me. And I was like, right to the chest. It was so accurate. Oh, man, that's funny.

What would you get the Italian sausage? Oh, boy. Fucking new shirts, dude. Would you get her shirts or deodorant? Would you try to? I don't even think the deodorant would help. At this point. You don't smell bad.

No, you don't smell bad. You're just sopping wet. What we need to do at this point is give in to the fact that we can't stop the sweating and just get more shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's no way we're going to stop the sweating, so it's better to just change Whatever the fuck those are. Yeah, those little baby tees where it's like, yeah, it's stuck in your fucking armpit.

No wonder it's sopping wet. It's like if I wore a thong every day. It's like, this thing smells. This thing's stained. Yeah, well, here's the deal. If you wore a thong, if you wore a fucking cloth up your ass, it would get stained too. Jackie's pants just fucking run and show. All right.

Let's get into our interview today. It's with our girl, Brittany Schmidt, one of the funniest people out there. Brittany Schmidt is, as far as joke writing and joke delivery, is as funny as they get out there. And we were talking a little bit about her audience, and she thinks that not a lot of the girls like her. Fuck with her jokes. And she's talked about how she's been told all the time, like, you have to stop talking about sex. Like, fuck all that shit. It is funny. Yeah, it is. Yeah, there's jokes about fucking people., like, you have to stop talking about sex. Like, fuck all that shit. It is funny.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, there's jokes about fucking people. They're funny. There's jokes about dead people. They're funny. There's a lot of well-written and well-delivered jokes. Yeah, it's like, that's what life is all about, fucking and dying. So, Brittany's on the show.

The interview is brought to you by Ridge Wallet. It holds up to 12 cards, plus room for cash. There's over 30 different colors and styles. You have carbon fiber or burnt titanium. All these different materials and colors. And it's made with the RFID

blocking technology so that you can't get your identity stolen the way that Feidelberg has. That little bitch got his identity stolen right out of his pockets. Multiple times. And you don't want to be like Feidelberg, do you? bitch got his identity stolen right out of his pockets. Multiple times. Multiple times. And you don't want to be like Feidelberg, do you? So get the Ridge wallet. It's got that hard shell on the outside.

It's got the little rubber band thing to help you slide in your cards and your cash. It will keep you from getting pickpocketed by digital thieves. Also, they now have new keychains that help you organize your keys that can secure anywhere from two to six keys. It organizes your keys in a compact silhouette, folds out nice and easy, six different colors and styles, so you get the wallet and the key holder.

So when you do your little phone wallet keys, you've got Ridge all the way through, and you can get the best offer right now at ridge.com slash KFC. Save 40% starting now through December 22nd. So basically now through almost Christmas you can get 40% off, almost half off

everything at Ridge. Give it a whirl. I know right now that like I would say like 50% of you have a wallet that is dead. Dunzo. It's fraying and falling apart and it's all stretched out. If you take out like one business card, the whole thing falls apart. You need to upgrade your wallet.

You're afraid to do it. Do it with Ridge. Just look in the mirror and be like, just tell yourself, it's Ridge time. Go to Ridge.com slash KFC. Get 40% off your Ridge and key case and anything else you want. It's Pretty Schmidt on KFC Radio. Let's talk to her. You walked here from Astoria.

I walked here from Astoria. For people listening, we are right by Madison Square Garden. Astoria is in Queens. What did you walk over? How did you cross over? I don't know. Some bridge. Some bridge? I don't even know what bridge you can walk over. Queensborough. You can walk over the Queensborough?

Yeah. I guess you can walk over all those. But then when I was on the bridge, I was envious because there was like a little trolley thing that goes over. I was like, that looks more fun.

So you basically just like landed in New York and walked from there. Yeah. Which is crazy. Also, those bridges are deceiving. They're like a mile long.

Yeah, it's a mile. A mile and a half, actually. Just the bridge is a mile and a half. I'd get to the other side and be like, well, I live here now. I can't walk back.

I'm fucking done. That's like the time I lived in my old apartment was I lived on the fourth floor. There was an elevator, but I lived on the fourth floor. And one day I came home and the elevator was like signing. There's only one elevator. It's like the elevator's not working. I was like, well, I'm not staying here tonight then. So I just went out and got out.

It's like a 13-story building, too. I couldn't imagine. It went on for weeks. When I was in college, we had McCormick, the dorm that I lived in my freshman year. It was 13 stories. And if you lived on the fifth or below, you had to take the stairs or you would get spit on on the elevator. Oh, I don't give a fuck about that. I don't give a shit what you want to shame me doing.

If it's one thing, if you can't, if I can use the elevator and I want to use the elevator I'm fucking using the elevator I feel here and there are times where I'm like I know you're bugged you're pissed off about this and I don't care it's not it's not I do I intentionally I don't get in an elevator with somebody I try my best but like if it's

happening but also I so I I will use to take the stairs but my my pass doesn't work anymore. And I asked for a new one, and they just told me I'm all set. Okay. But your employer tells you that we're not going to give you your key anymore. I don't have my key card. It doesn't work anymore.

And they're like, yeah, that's cool, though. I was like, no, boy, I need to get in the building. They're like, nah, we're going. They said, we're going virtual. Whatever that meant. Since fucking when? and they're like, nah, we're going. They said, we're going virtual. Whatever that meant. I did. Since fucking when? I once had a couch that got delivered or it was movers or whatever.

And I was on the 12th floor and it didn't fit in the elevator, but it did fit in the stairwell and they fucking walked it up. Oh my God. And I was almost like, I can't even begin to possibly tip you enough. Oh And I was almost like, I can't even begin to possibly tip you enough.

Oh, I was just saying, I would tell them, throw it away. I don't think I realized. I think I really would have done that. I don't think I realized they were doing it until like all of a sudden

the door flies open and they're like, you know, it's like my Bob's fucking couch. It was like a piece of shit. I was like, oh my, yeah,

I'd much rather just buy like your tip would have been thousands of dollars more than what this couch is fucking worth. You walk to us. God. Why are you saying this? Oh, you're saying it's someone's apartment, right? Yeah. Okay. That would be a crazy place to get a hotel.

And you wanted to? Or you were just like, you started walking and you're like, ah, fuck it, I'll just keep going? You know what? I mean, I would be a mess if i walked on the story i am a mess yeah i'd be jack at the foul line i um no i did the walk two days ago so i was like now i know the walk i may as well just do it again yeah no i was like that's like i've walked the appalachian trail i'll do it again it's easy i know it like i found that everest i can do it i can do it again the uh nuts i i've done i think my longest walk I think I've walked to the 70s before. From?

From like this area, like Murray Hill area. That's like 50 blocks. It's not crazy. That's not. One time I walked. It was one of those like I just had nothing to do. So I was like, might as well. I guess I'll just walk.

That was my day. I was just like, I have nothing to do. I have two hours to kill. I had like a mental breakdown at 27 and I walked from 89 and i just kept on going and then i was 27 years old and i just had that like where what what is life now you know i think 27 that's why everybody kills themselves at 27 because it's like my theory is always you have these four-year chunks where you graduate each time but then 22 to 26 you don't graduate you're just like oh this is just life now so that's when people figure out like either my life's gonna to 26, you don't graduate. You're just like, oh, this is just life now. So that's when people figure out, like, either

my life's going to suck or... But people don't really kill themselves. They, like, overdose, right? Yeah. They party a little too hard. I think we've described it as quiet quitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to do all the booze and the drugs and let it sort itself out. Yeah, that's funny.

Did you hear about how Rob Schneider hates everybody from all the, oh, no, Bill Murray. Rob Schneider was telling everybody how Bill Murray hates all those guys from the SNL era. No. And that he particularly hated Chris Farley. Really? Yeah.

Really? But I think he said it was something along the lines of, like, he's watching how he's behaving and, like, doesn't like it and knows it's going to go to a bad place. hate this guy because he's gonna die one day he hated him yeah that's why i hit everybody bill murray hated adam sandler like hates adam sandler why really i don't know if i'd be out of jealousy i think rob schneider is kind of a lion snake remember when he was on the show and he fucking sucked during the pandemic oh i do yeah and then and then he went i think it's not the best appearance.

He did awesome. And part of my take, like, it was... Part of my take did... It's actually very funny. Like, he's furious. I don't think he'll ever come on Marceline ever again.

Oh, good. The bridge is burned. They did a... They broke down his movies with him and how every year he has a movie come out, there's a horrible disaster. And as PFT says, he's like, you can do it with fucking anything.

There's horrible disasters every single goddamn year. It doesn't matter. He's like, but we just did it with Rob Schneider movies. Where it's like, when So and Doodly-Doodly-Doodly-Doodly-Doodly came out, that was Columbine. I don't know if that's the one, but whatever they said for each movie. And he was like, furious. I'll be honest, I don't know if i'd love that either i'm down to clown you can fuck around with me i think i think i'd draw the line eventually um but like how do you hate adam sanford right unless you have like a dude i mean i i've referenced this article many a time

before uncut gems came out he had he had... He had a piece in the New York Magazine. Yeah. And it was just about... About him. He didn't write it. No, no, no. It was about him. And two of the more gangster things was, one, he rolls up to

his, I think, $250,000 a year golf course. And he's in basketball shorts and basketball sneakers. Naturally. And he asked the maitre d', am I too gross to eat here? And they just said, Mr. Sandler, you're never too gross to eat here. You can do whatever you fucking want. You can do whatever you want. But then in the article, it was like, we reached out

to some of Sandler's past co-workers just to see what they have to say about him. And it was like, CEO of Netflix, Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore,, CEO of Netflix, Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore, Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock,

fucking... When your former co-workers are just like the list of all the Hollywood greats. And all of them went so above and beyond to say what an awesome dude he is. I think Drew Barrymore said something along the lines... Or maybe it was Julia Roberts.

I'm not Julia Roberts. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston said something along the lines of if you need absolutely anything, call me. I will tell. I will go to the ends of the earth for Adam. Wow. Doesn't it seem like that's so much easier?

I can't believe that's such a surprise. Yeah. Shouldn't most people be cool? It's just so much easier to be rich and nice i feel like but i guess maybe you don't always get rich while being nice yeah so you gotta be an asshole to kind of get there but he was lucky enough to be good enough that he's rich and famous and i can be nice but it's like if i got money i would just

be like i'm not gonna be an asshole Because those are the stories that people, yeah, I guess not. Maybe we'll find out. I feel like I would value, like, that's why I would always tip too much, because I want the story to go viral when I do. I always want to be nice so that people go like, you know who's really the nicest guy when he comes through?

Kevin Clancy. Like, those are the good stories that you want, you know? Rather than just being a fucking asshole. But I think you are who you are and then you get money and it just makes it more of that.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I guess. I don't know. There's a lot of people it goes poorly for, I guess, but he has money, money.

He's got like $500 million money. That's a big dollar. Dude, his movies are all like the most watched Netflix. It's like when people clown him,

they think like, oh, they suck. And look, I have no interest in watching them. But the Netflix CEO is like, every single one of Adam Sandler's movies is our most watched runtime movie. People just watch it all the way through. I was watching Billy Madison the other day.

I was too. You were? And for the longest time, I said that was my favorite comedy ever. And it's still, if it's not number one anymore, it's still if it's not number one anymore it's like number two but like when he like the scene where he is hallucinating the penguin inside veronica vaughn's house yeah and he's just like i see what's going on here and i'm just like this is so dumb so bad every single line of that movie so you know it's So memorable. Yeah, it's iconic. Yeah, I mean, like, shampoo is better.

What are we? Was this even a script? Press record. We'll see what fucking happens. He was the man. He just did a show that I was on recently. He, like, dropped in because he's touring again. To a stand-up? Yeah. Wow. No shit. Was he a stand-up, like, a true

stand-up at one point? I think so, but he always did concerts, so he always did music and then stand-up. He always had the parody songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he dropped in on a show I was doing, and he did like an hour up top, and then the whole crowd left after he was on. Wow. I said, thanks, Adam.

Sick, sick, sick, sick. This was at where? The store? No, it was the West Side. That is... How was it? It's great. It's funny, because I think once you get to a certain level,

people just will laugh at anything you say. So true. Even if he just takes a pause or does something. That's Steve Martin stopped doing stand-up. Right. He was like, I was doing bad material, and I knew it. And the crowd was howling, and I was like, this is stupid. Yeah, I've seen it with a lot of comics where you get to a certain level,

and people are just so excited to see you doing your thing that they laugh at everything. I think that's fair to an extent too though like you can't like totally suck but it's like if i've been so good at this for so long and i've created this air of like you just want to laugh and have a good time when you're at my show i think you kind of earn some of that leeway you can't take it to the point where you're just like i do trash and everybody laughs that's fine but as a comic i think then the problem is when you film it and you put it out then people sitting at home are like what the fuck is this and that wasn't the experience with adam but he was like trying to figure out jokes and people

were just laughing at his like pauses and stuff and he's like i'm not done like let me say the whole joke yeah that's got to be a tough moment when you can't even do comedy anymore because people are too just too giddy yeah yeah yeah but i i think so many people too many people doing specials and recording and putting it out it's like unless it's really great you don't need to because it's just you're just inviting i think it's also stand-up comedy or one of those is one of those things where we compare it to like killing them softly dave chapelle or like chris rock you know it's like yeah there's levels to this that you know maybe the new guy killing themselves like Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock. There's levels to this that maybe the new guy on the block or the girl

who just puts something out shouldn't be compared to the greatest. This isn't the White Album. Why are you doing music? That's what I mean. Yes, exactly that. You can put out music that's like, this is a great first effort and we'll see more. And in comedy, it's like this sucks, goodbye. I didn't laugh the whole fucking time. You're done.

Because of that, it's like, why even do Goodbye. I didn't laugh the whole fucking time. You're done. But so because of that, it's like, why even do it? Like, you don't have to put out a special. Yeah, you're definitely, like, exposing yourself to a level of, like, criticism that's not good for the, like, creativity. Just even, like, the fucking word. Like, inherently, like, this is going to be something special. It's going to be amazing. I'm putting, like, all my eggs in this basket. And people are going to, like, grade it harshly.

And be like, yeah, this kind of sucked. Yeah. People tell me to kill myself every day. And I genuinely mean that because I was like, it was, it was enough that like it was the shock value of it. There was the delivery of it. Like that was a, I also think it was material that wasn't like, so COVID, huh? You know?

Oh, so you guys are wearing masks, huh? Yeah, I know. How many more specials can we talk about that? I think hopefully that's over now. I think it's done. But it's so much personal shit. It's still not done, though. It's never going to be done.

I know. It's never going to. There's people walking around outside with masks on still. This is crazy. I'm like, what? I was at an outdoor petting zoo, horseback riding type of thing, masks on. Yeah.

I actually, I was on a train the other day and on Friday and Matthew Brodick and Sadrick Parker were on the train with me and their kids and SJP was the only one wearing a mask, which I think when it's

in a family, I think it's weird. I think also if I were a celebrity, like at that level, I would keep the mask on for the rest of my life. I guess imagine that like, hey honey, I'm wearing this because I'm more famous than you. No one's going to notice Matthew Broderick, but me... Bro, I noticed

Broderick, bro. I saw Godzilla back in the day. Come on. Yeah, that is strange though. It's like, alright kids, you can get whatever you want. I'm fucking Sarah Jessica Parker. But I guess this is the weird thing about thinking about it. She's probably like, who gives a fuck what I do? Why don't you just mind your own goddamn business?

But I guess if she's sick, she's like, I don't want to get other people sick. That makes more sense. I know, but I just can't. I can't imagine still following these rules and shit. I gave up so long ago. That was like a lifetime ago that I stopped doing those things. Like a literal. Yeah, that is nuts.

It's been a wild ride since your last appearance here. Yeah. That joke that went viral. How dare you. How dare you do this to me. Got you some extra spotlight let's say yeah let's say that that's the name of the game right

that's the goal sure I mean to be fair we brought this upon ourselves yeah yeah yeah with some details that we chose to include we did this why did you change your name?

whose name? wasn't like the cousin's name? yeah I don't remember the cousin's name oh that was made up Keith is a good no we had a The cousin's name? Yeah. I don't remember the cousin's name. Oh, that was made up. Keith is a good,

No, we had a threesome with his cousin. I just don't remember his cousin's name. But when you said the name, that's not his name.

No, I hope not. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. All right. It's a funny choice.

In that case, then you're doing, then you're doing your thing. Then you are like, I thought you were giving governments on the cousin too. Oh,

no, no. If you did know the cousin's name, would you have changed it? No, I would have kept it. I would have kept it. Because I want to protect him a little bit. Well the cousin's name, would you have changed it? No, I would have kept it. I would have kept it.

Because I want to protect him a little bit. Well, if there's like... You protected nobody here. We gave out just about as many details as humanly possible to not protect people. Okay, fine. But... It would be very funny

if there was some random cousin out there getting heat. It was like, are you fucking kidding me? Well, it was funny because the search engine was like Cousin Keith was in there. The autofill was... Cousin Keith should almost be the name of your next special or something. Can we say what

we're talking about? So Brittany had a joke in her new special and alluded to a past hookup of hers where she gave some specific details about the person and their profession and their religion. And it was very easy to deduce just through a quick Google search. But you even said that.

That's what I thought was so good about that joke. And some people don't like it. Some people are like, you were exposing people. That's always going to be a thing in comedy and on the internet. Fine, whatever. But to go the extra mile of being like, and when you go home and Google this, because I know you were exposing people. Like that's always going to be a thing in comedy and on the internet. Fine. Whatever. But the, like to go the extra mile of being like, and when you go home and Google is,

cause I know you're gonna, yeah, yeah. That was like, Oh, if you don't, you know, like we've seen that we saw it with caller daddy.

We've seen it with, with plenty of people on the internet where it's like, you know, some of it's, you know, do you tell these details? Do you not tell these stories? You're not whatever.

I don't know. Uh, that's, that's aside from like, it was just a a funny like well done joke yeah the whole thing also a part of me is like if you call me up and you're like telling me to repent and all this shit it's like that's the only thing that makes it funny it's like you can't because it was like we were catching up and having a conversation and then it like clicked over into jehovah's witness recruitment yeah like where he's like, you know, the world is ending. Like you need to repent for your sins. Like he's like, there's evidence.

And it was like, I was like, whoa, where did the guy I was just talking to go? And he like went into full blown, like in like knocking on my door mode. And I was like, okay. That was the knocking on the door of phone calls. Right, right. I was like, let's remember you peed in my mouth. And then, yeah, to me, that's kind of like... I'm like, let's remember who you're talking to.

How did that come... How does that go? It was a kink. His or yours? His. And you're just down for the ride? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I was a raging drunk. I was blacked out most of the the time i don't think there's a kink that i would say if like i mean obviously i guess there's something but like you would not that you would if someone was like i this is my kink oh i do i do i you can't put anything in my dick though you can't do that in it you can't yeah i can't put anything in my dick you can't i'm not doing any shit play yeah shit yeah and no like no children i don't do shit and i don't do kids everything else is like on the table i was like i wasn't gonna bring that up by the way if you have a six-year-old don't bring it up what no no i'll

i'll try anything once and probably like 10 times I'll try anything once. And probably like 10 times. I'll try anything like 10 times. I don't know if I like that. Let's run it back. I mean, there's just so much cool shit to do. Well, it's like when you hear a song and you don't like it the first time. And then you hear it like the 10th time.

And you're like, this song fucking rocks. And it's also like it also because it's like the first time I have a follow up for that excuse me I'm sorry like before that goes down

are you like we better fucking hydrate up or is it like yeah like is what well he's pretty hydrated he was an athlete

well I imagine but what if he just played maybe he's a little dehydrated at that point it also sounds like you guys were probably absolutely shit-faced, which I don't know if it makes it better or worse. Sometimes when you're drinking, you're peeing straight fucking beer or liquor. I don't know if that's good or bad.

But if it's the day after a night of drinking, you know. Yeah, that would be gnarly. That would be horrible. Did it just happen? Or is it like a, we're about to do this. Are you down? Let's fucking throw out some tarp or get in the bathroom. He made sure I was down.

Just comes in with one of those big blue things. We're going to need this. That and his cousin. When you open the door and your cousin and the tarp under your arm you know shit's about to go down that's about to go and then then you and cousin

cousin Keith just had yourselves the rest of the night right yeah yeah how about that did cousin Keith just get the full treatment

no yeah that's that's like listen that's gotta be funny too where he's like alright we're gonna do this this again he's like no we're not no no no Did Cousin Keith just get the full treatment? No. That's got to be funny too where he's like, we're going to do this again. We're doing missionary with you, pal. If you're lucky.

I'm going to watch TNT. Yeah. I also, you know, when you listen to something the 10th time, you also, like, the first time you listen to it, you're, like, commuting from home on the train and you're miserable and the 10th time you hear it, you're at a party. And it's awesome. So maybe you listen to it, you're like commuting from home on the train and you're miserable. And the 10th time you hear it, you're at a party and it's awesome.

So maybe you got to get peed on at a party. Don't get peed on in your commute. I promise you that that analogy applies. You get pissed off on your commute. You're not gonna be happy. Get peed on at a party. At least you're giving it a shot. My buddy got peed on just at Liverpool.

Like sexually or? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We were at the game and the guy just started just turned and started talking to him no like at the journal yeah I mean it just got it just got on like his shoes

but still still peeing like the shake off he said he said he had an absolute fucking hose and then and then

he was just like he was like dude dude put that thing away did he get his number can I have it yeah where would you draw your line He's like, dude, dude, put that thing away. Did he get his number? Can I have it?

Where would you draw your line? Shit. Shit is the line? And kids, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I think the kids goes without saying. I'm not going to say no kids because I feel like it's a lie. You hear it right here first.

John, we'll do stuff with kids. I feel like saying no kids is like, yeah, I wasn't going to bring it. It's a cake for some people. Well, I noticed you guys didn't say no dead bodies. Oh, yeah. Well, maybe. I was going to say, silence falls upon the room.

I can't fuck a dead body. You don't know that. No, I think I could fuck a dead body. Have you watched the Dahmer series? Oh, yeah. Very much so. I think a girl can't fuck a dead body. Because you're in a hard series? Oh yeah. Very much so. I quite liked it. I think a girl can't fuck a dead body. Because you're in a hard day.

Right. So it's like, what if you like, just sit on like the hard finger. Could you just like ride a dead guy's face? Would you do that? Just pull the tongue out and let it sit there?

Oh my God. Horrible. I just think that there's so many people fucking dead bodies. I think that's probably happening a lot. I don't think so. I have to disagree with you. I think that the people who are in that business,

you're just around it so often, eventually, maybe you're not fucking them, but I think eventually you're like... At least they slip a finger in. I'd probably pop a finger in. If you're literally draining a body of fluids, what's the difference of if you're draining a body of fluids and then you also just give a little...

I just fucking see what it smells like. Jesus Christ. Dead pussy's got to be terrible. Or really good. My pussy isn't great. What is this, Great Depression? I know a girl who recently uh hooked up in a in a funeral home uh like the guy brought her back to the family's house and it's like kind of you know like that

doorway over there leads to like the funeral house section of the house i think hooking up with another live person in a funeral is a funeral on a much different... I'm just saying that, like, he had said something like, you want to get a picture in the casket? Like, all my friends do. Like, there's, like,

you know, there's all the things that you need there. You want a finger in the body. So that's what I meant. Eventually, you know, if you go to this magical place, like, let me test out

all this weird shit I've never been, next thing you know, you're fucking a dead body. Bro, I'd fuck those dead bodies. I would tell the families about it. I'm like, God, your grandma had a pipe. Grandma was

a virgin. Grandma had a c-section, huh? I also know somebody who... I hate sometimes the things I say out loud. Fuck me, man. I know somebody who did the An sometimes the things I say out loud. Fuck me, man. I know somebody who did the Ancestry.com shit the other day and found out that grandma had a baby by someone who wasn't grandpa and just took that shit to the grave, man.

Just fucking nobody knew. Just held on dead. Wait, wait, wait. Was it Kris Jenner? Yeah. Because Chloe is. fucking nobody knew just held on dead was it chris jenner yeah like she took that to the grave like she took the baby to the grave no no no the the the secret to the grave so but so how did she so but grandpa knew uh grandpa went to war and grandpa i mean yeah grandpa had to know well maybe not well if he's at war maybe not. It depends on when the last time they had sex was. You know what I mean?

You go to war, and nine months later, after the night you left, you have a baby. You're maybe not thinking twice, but maybe if the day after you left for war, homeboy came over. Did she give it away? No, no. She came home, and he's like, this is your time. So now this person is now putting together, like, oh, you're actually my half-s my half sister and we got to meet and all this shit um because they got a phone call being like you're or maybe maybe they didn't do the ancestry maybe the other people did either way they just found out i'd be suspicious if someone called me up like hey you're my brother no you know what i mean like i'm not open to that

yeah yeah oh my god it was like i'm your half sibling i'm like i don't care maybe you're interested in that. Yeah. I am not. Yeah. I'm all set on that. Like, years ago when I was broke, I donated eggs. Oh, no.

You get good money for that, though, right? Yeah. How much you get? 10 grand a piece. Oh, I thought you were more than that. It wasn't nearly enough. But I have, like, two genetic kids. Because you got to do, like, surgery and shit, right?

Yeah, so you got kids out there. Yeah, and I'm like, they- Do you know anything about who or what? Yeah, the one's in LA, one's in San Francisco. And I have no legal rights to them, but they have legal rights to me. So if they ever want to find me, they can use my social security number to find me, which is insane to me. What does legal rights entail?

They can come find me, but I can't go find them. Do you like... If they were to hit you up and need something, would you have to provide? No, no, no. Okay. Fuck that. Do you like, if they were to like hit you up and need something, would you have to provide? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck that. Yeah, no.

But like, even when they like, if they ever come to my house and they're like, hey mom, I'll be like, ah. No. That was a dark time.

Here's a reason why mama didn't fucking. Mama just got sick of ramen. That's what happened. I'll give you $10,000 to go away. I thought, I heard. I've made some bad financial decisions before. I think we've told this before. We're like, when I first lived here when I I thought, I heard. I've made some bad

financial decisions before. I think we've told this before where like, when I first lived here when I was 21, I did like one of those like, whatever, short-term loans.

Yeah. Just to buy drugs. Yeah. And like, 40% interest. Yeah, and those people like, definitely still love us

through social security and stuff like that. Selling eggs for like, a steak dinner. It's up there. I thought I heard stories of like, you can get like,

$100,000 for that. That's surrogacy. I thought I heard stories of like 100K for that. For like surrogacy. That's surrogacy. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, that shit should be like a billion. Yeah, fuck that.

Like 100K is not enough. Yeah, because I remember hearing that Kim and Kanye only paid like 50 grand. I'd be like, you guys are paying me like 10 million. Yeah, yeah. Because I know, you know, you want a kid. Goddamn anti-Sem million. Yeah. Because I know, you know, you want a kid. Goddamn anti-Semites. Yeah. How about J.B. Morgan Chase just shutting down that account?

What happened? They shut down Kanye's account. What? How could you do that? That doesn't seem legal. Yeah. Which is, it's, I'll say this. It does not.

Kanye's like, the Jews. It does not really, it doesn't help the stereotype that you guys run the financial institutions in the world when as soon as someone calls you a name, you shut down their money. They're not going to steal his money. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Next thing you know, it's going to be snowing. You're going to control the weather too.

I mean, that does feel like you probably shouldn't be able to do that. I probably should be able to say whatever I want. That person said a bad word. I shut their money down. I would argue that's probably... That would be the first actual violation of freedom of speech I've ever heard of. But also, I'm not going to make any more jokes about it.

Okay. Sorry, Jamie Dimon. Because Johnny needs money. I am not fucking with the big banks. don't want to be i don't know i don't think we have enough money to be i saw the big show big show i know what you did you fuckers um so anyway back to to the uh the fallout from that um yes did you expect it to go like as viral as it did or you had been out since July. Right.

On three different specials. I filmed the same joke. It just got clipped. And then it went viral. And then it went viral. When it started to pick up, though, were you like, oh, fuck? Or like, oh, yes. It sucked for a couple of different reasons.

One, because part of the joke is about my husband, who's like, we're going through a divorce, and so he then got a lot of heat on his page of people being like, how does BBC piss taste? Just really ridiculous shit that we're already going through a shitty divorce. That's a tough comment. A little insult

to injury on that. We've all had pasts before that people were with. You don't really want it in your Instagram comments, actually. So that sucked. And then I just had other NBA players that I hooked up with reaching out to me, being like, don't keep my name

out of your mouth. And I was like, well, I forgot you were alive and that we fucked. But now you're in my set. Now you're in my set. Some people talk about being a blackout drunk but being i fucked nba players and forgot about a drunk is it's a whole new level of drunk oh and then i had another friend who's in the league now being like, this is going to be in the rookie symposium. This joke is going to be like, you need to have people sign NDAs.

He's like, you're going to change the whole way that people operate. They'll call that the Schmidt rules. Everybody, don't get Schmitted. NDAs always interest me. I feel like they don't work i i would agree with that because if i saw if i had someone sign nda and then they said stuff and i sued them for saying the stuff wouldn't that just prove that stuff's true you can't really i think it works hopefully as a deterrent where you're like the lawyers will come get you and people just go, okay, fuck it.

But if they want to do it, they're going to do it, and then you can't do anything about it. I mean, I think we saw that with Tiger Woods' mistress who signed an NDA and then went on the HBO series and spilled her guts. Everything. That was dirty, man. That special sucked.

Yeah, that was awful. That was just like, let's just. I don't even know what we're talking about. I know about the mistresses, not about the not about the tiger went very under the radar it was like a hbo like two-parter and uh it was just crazy how much it was like you know yeah like he was fucking everything in sight but like everybody just went through as much effort as they could to like tear down his life yeah and then the next day he got after it got released the next day he got in that horrible car accident right it was like it was very like oh that was the next day i thought i thought the car accident was the thing that made everyone go

something fishy's happening down there that's not the case no no i think was literally like the next day or the same week that the thing came out also also she's talking about the one where he broke his leg and shit oh i think I think the... Oh, no, no. Like, she was in the golf club. Yeah. That did, like, turn it all off. One of the more clear examples of spousal abuse that we just kind of let go. Yeah, like, she was just punching him and hitting him with golf clubs. And we were like, ah, you know, well, he had sex with someone, so...

Yeah, yeah. You can do that. There's one of those in Ronda Rousey's book, too, where she catches her husband cheating on her. And she's like, it's like out of a movie, where it's like, like i walked in the house locked the door behind me and said get the fuck in here and i beat the shit out of him it's like yeah you can't do that you're you're a world-class fighter that sucks yeah by the way there's no coming back i have my girl fucking chasing me around the house like i'll be the dining room table oh man that would be funny

if it wasn't fucking god damn abuse no no no no no she's like I'm gonna arm bar you you're tapping

no no man that is yeah there was also a part where like the PGA made him like do a press a press conference apologizing.

He's a sex addict, right? Yeah. It was like, in what world do you have to do this? Yeah. And then there was a lot of racial undertones because of it. It was just like, this is fucking super weird. But I mean, yeah, listen, you fuck everybody constantly. It's going to come back to haunt you and bite you.

But it was also very strange. He liked to golden shower himself. Yeah, just out of. Well, no, I think he liked to give one. Or at least he asked, who's the porn star? I've seen her work. She did a fake tiger porn. It was pretty good.

I just remember his text message. He said, do you like golden showers? I'm just morbidly curious. AKA, I want to pee on you. I want to pee on you, and I'm not quite sure how to say that, so I'm going to ask you. I'm just out of curiosity. Can I pee on you?

I mean, it's hard. You've got to give credit to Tiger. It's hard to figure out how to bring it up. That's a hard one to broach. I think you should probably just wait until people are shit-faced. It's hard to figure out how to... That's a hard one to broach. I think you should probably just wait until people are shit-faced. It's actually not. I got to piss in the bathroom so far away.

What's your deal? What's your interest level? You're just open, huh? It takes a lot to... You talk the talk. You walk the walk, though. I mean, I used to. I don't know if I would do that now as a sober person.

That's the shred of dignity. When you go through it and come out the other end, you're like, I'll tell you the story. It is what it is. It's like a different version of myself. That person's dead. Yeah.

But somebody's sleeping back there. Maybe you could be on me again. Depends on how the night goes. I'd be a lot more like... I'd be a lot sadder this time. Less caressing. I'd do so much work on myself just to be back here again. None of it was worth it.

Fuck you, Dr. Smith. You were wrong. It's happening again. It's square one. We're starting over. Yeah, like the first time around, are you trying to make it? Are you like performing? I was always performing, yeah.

Yeah. Everything was performing. I feel like if you're sober, it's like, all right,'s get this over with yeah yeah that's one of those things i just would come in with like goggles yeah snorkeling my mouth like double bear you're a fucking uh sea world in the splash zone yeah and a poncho you're pulling up no keith not you too. Lady of the mist. That's got to be... If you're sober and someone's kink is that

and you really want to make them happy or something, it's a tough one to go through. I think I'll find another person. Find a different kink. At the end of the day, it's not so bad, I guess. I'll do it right now yeah well not right now give or receive sober give or receive

either it doesn't matter we just started with I'll do whatever bro I was just in a box eating people's fingers fucking 10 minutes ago what unfortunately that is a directly true story ago. What? Unfortunately, that is a directly true story. So we have this game here called Lowering the Bar where you do gross stuff.

And it's usually you eat food and stuff like that. Sometimes an NBA player pees on you. In the Halloween, it's a Halloween version coming out. And so you know what's in the box where you blindly stick your hand in the box? I'm in the box this time. People are sticking their hands in and I'm licking their fingers and biting them and stuff like that. I don't know who most of these people even are.

They're co-workers. You have warts on your mouth. Who's this verse for? For me. They're like, it licked me. on your mouth tomorrow. I don't know why. Yeah, who's this verse for? You heard that. Oh, for me. For me, for sure. Although they're like, he didn't lick me,

he licked me. I'm like, yeah, dude, I fucking licked you. I'm sorry. You are quite the performer, man. I'm going to get fucked. Lower in the bar owes you like 50% of their fucking herpes.

Saturday to the boys and lower in the bar. You got fucked on. I remember when I was on Colm Tyrell's podcast and he was joking about like herpes. He's like, you can actually get mouth herpes.

You can get dick herpes in your mouth. And I was like, does that mean you can get mouth herpes on your dick? And he's like, no, no, no. It's not what you think it is. It's actually just mouth herpes. On my penis. That's a spin zone.

No, no, no. I don't have dick herpes. It's actually just a cold sore on my penis. That's a spin zone. No, no, no. I don't have dick herpes. It's actually just a cold sore on my cock. We had some, what is it, Nuvidex?

Nuvirex? I don't know, whatever. Blistex. Valtrex. Valtrex. No, Valtrex is the actual medicine. I know. Blistex is what you put

on the mouth herpes, on the cold sores. Anyway, the point is I'm going to have a bunch of these. Chepstick for your dick. Just sit there with Chepstick on your dick.

I got cold sores on it. Let me just rub it on there. Divorce. Can we talk about it or no? Yeah. Not fun? No. I'll let you two take this one. 10 for 10 would not recommend it. I don't know if anybody in the world,

no, I almost probably know for a fact that nobody in the world can talk about going through a divorce while you're special about becoming a housewife drops. Yeah. That was, that's a club that one, I think one person belongs to and unfortunately just you

I almost didn't put the special out because I had to re-watch it and it's so brutal because it's just foreshadowing I'm just talking about how I want to be single and like a story I often tell is actually I don't know if I've ever told it on a podcast

but I've told you when we had a podcast with Asa Akira and uh asa was married at the time kevin was married at the time and they would always say these things that were like like no no it was like it was like your rules of how to have a happy marriage oh yeah and it was like have separate bedrooms get your own dinners yeah you don't have to get dinner together. Order your own separate dinner. Eat separately. Watch your own TV shows. And I was like, this sounds like two people who shouldn't be.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, and then what you eventually learn is like, it's like, no, find someone you want to have dinner with. Right, right. Yes, yes. This is my point. But yeah, it was, there's a lot of that. I mean, I can remember when I was totally single, I would write a blog, and a lot of the commenters would always joke about, quote, unquote, their miserable lives at home.

And I found it so funny. I find that humor very funny. People, guys or girls, you're married, and you just fucking hate it and you joke about it and clown about it and i think hopefully most of the time it's like but i love them and i go home to them and it's all good and other times it's more serious but i've always found that type of humor very funny so then there were times where we were doing this and i was like i sometimes it was real but sometimes it was just like this is just a joke i find it funny but then when all of a sudden you're having problems it's like well these jokes, these jokes feel real, but they're not real.

But are they real? And you start fucking reeling. But to have from hoe to housewife and then also divorce is like, fuck. Back to hoe, baby. We're back in these streets. Special number two, coming up. Housewife to hoe. We're back in these streets.

I mean, yeah, it's like they told you. They told you you can't turn one into a housewife. Yeah, exactly. They were right. You tried to prove them wrong. I tried. It was great. It was great. You said that like going on a rollercoaster.

I'm happy with the experience. I'm not going to do it again. I won't do it again. I mean, it's so hard to get out of. That's the thing. Marriages, you just skip into the courthouse. You're like, doot, doot, doot. Sign a few things. And then you getting out of it, it's just like, what? It's so much fun. We had a caller years back who had,

I think, and I've never been married or engaged or anything like that, so I don't have a what the fuck was that? That's Tommy dead in my tracks. I mean, this is... Yeah, no. I've met you. We're talking. He's talking about licking co-workers fingers. We're fucking dead bodies. I had one wife.

She didn't know. Maybe you've got some foreshadowing too. I'll die alone. Fucking watch me but what they did was him and his girlfriend were getting a lot of pressure to get married who's this your buddy?

no no no this was a caller and they were like let's just fucking have the party let's say we did it and then in five years we'll reevaluate and decide if we actually want to marry or not and in five years they were like actually i don't think this is for us and i just went cost you probably 50 grand right whatever the wedding cost but yeah i don't know i don't even have a guess what a wedding costs but i threw out 50 grand i mean you you you got to deal with

finances and shit but when you don't have kids, you can just kind of see you. We just have a dog that we're co-parenting. Biggie Smalls. He's the best. He's the best. Yeah. It's like very amicable. We're still like great friends.

I love him to death. Is that real though? Yes. It's very real. Yeah. Or is somebody faking it? Like, is it real because you're both like, no, no, no. Or like you actually think everybody's happy?

Yeah, we're good. That's pretty cool. Yeah. It's actually so boring because I grew up in a fucking chaotic divorce. Like my parents took seven years to get divorced. So I was like, I always thought divorce was war. You know what I mean?

It's like we're going toe to toe until we're both out of money. That's what it was to me. But it's like two people in therapy getting divorced is pretty fucking boring. We agree on everything. You do that. I do this. You do that.

That's pretty cool. It's great. I mean, if it feel, I mean, with kids, it's just a whole other world because you can't like just go if you need to. Like there's just no like separation.

But, um, but it's, I've always said it's just so crazy that we make like the most emotional irrational thing that we do in like love and attraction you have to do the most financial and like literal of signatures what is that about i don't know like we know you know that your brain and your heart and all that shit goes crazy for love, sex, lust, all that. It's like, let's make sure all your dollars and cents and property are tied into that.

What the fuck is that about? Well, yeah, it turns something romantic into a business partnership. And then when it dissolves, it's like trying to undo a business. And so much. It's like health insurance, car insurance. I'm just like, oh, my God, we are intertwined in so many different ways i know it's crazy yeah it really is but i mean the special was great so thank you the book the book's out now right the book is out uh stop talking about sex is it yeah um which is funny because that's something i mean i know a lot of girls and then a lot of girl female

comedians probably hear that but even like we've heard that before. People are like, all you do is talk about sex. And it's like, that's first of all not true because I think you're zeroing in on like the memorable moments or whatever jokes that we're telling that are about sex. But also it's like I think it's the one thing, whether it's sex or porn or relationships or whatever. It's like the one thing that everybody can relate to. It's like if we talk about sports, you don't know that. But if we talk about music, you don't know that if we but if we talk about music you don't know whatever it is but like the one thing we've all done is you know had sex masturbated jerked up whatever so you all can laugh about that so to me that's like gonna be the funniest material out there yeah and it's like i

put out the special and i had a comic that i really respect reach out to me and just say stop talking about sex it's been done it's tired he's just say, stop talking about sex. It's been done. It's tired. He's like a hot girl talking about having sex is like listening to a rich person talking about spending money. There's no like, and he just like went fucking in on me. And I was like, okay, thanks. And then he's like, sorry if that was a lot.

And totally like unprompted. Yeah. You weren't like, Hey, like, what do you think of my new set or whatever? Yeah. And then, um, I was like, well, yeah. I was like, well, that's all I know. So that's what I'll keep talking about. That's the other thing, too.

It's like, I don't know. You know, I lived my life a certain way, like for better or worse, whatever. And I think all the time, your jokes are kind of your almost like therapy. You're getting shit out or whatever. It's like, I think you have an issue with sex. If you listen to a stand-up who's telling jokes about sex and your first reaction is like this bitch needs to stop talking about sex yeah i don't know what happened with you and like well to be fair i do know what happened

he's a comic that i like turned down like he tried well there's your fucking answer that's that doesn't take shut the fuck up yeah Yeah. And so the book is kind of like a collection of, of stories. Yeah. Yeah. I protected people for real. So, I mean, that's, it's when you, you've got some tales to, that you want to tell and you can't, or you got to protect. Like it's, uh, I mean, I, I'll do it on a podcast where it's just like a quick one-off

where I'm like, oh, but it really is so funny. The punchline's so good or whatever is like, can I get away with it? Where I would imagine A, writing a book, like putting it all out there and B, some of the stories you have are like... Protecting people also gets hard keeping it straight though.

You don't know who you said it about. I forget. I'll tell a story and be like, wait, do I say this story was last week or do I say it was 10 years ago? gets hard keeping it straight though you don't know who you like i forget like all i tell so i'd be like wait do i say this story was last week or do i say it was 10 years ago right yeah it's it's very you got to keep it like someone i was once seeing right or whatever you know just keep it as basic as possible but i like if i i even just even it's not about sex and relationships just like behind the scenes stories or whatever if you're writing a book and you know, like, oh, this chapter would be like,

you know, we're selling another, however many copies if I tell this story, that's got to be tempting. It is hard. And I did put some names in there, but I just took out details that would like, cause any issues. That's nice.

Yeah. I try my best. We've talked about this before with with a number of different comics but like i i think i i've said like i owe my career to like six people where it's like i have my best stories with them or best stories are about them that kind of deal and it is fucking hard and i i've had some like kind of get mad at me being like what the fuck don't tell that story about me and i I'm always like, my argument is always, well,

I was there. I'm not just telling a story about you. I was there. It's also my fucking story. You don't have, and I'll do what I can to protect you, but it's my goddamn fucking story too. Sorry you weren't involved, man.

Right. Well, I owe my career to the NBA. And the MLB. Rank them. Rank them right now. The NFL. Best, best, married, and the MLB and rank them rank them right now the NFL best

married hockey players out you haven't fucked any hockey players one they're all white guys no yeah was it P.K. Subban

but they didn't have a team in Milwaukee it was like a minor league team or something so I was like I don't do that I only fuck professionals it was like AHL and I would call it amateur hockey league and the guy would get so mad and I was like I don't do that. Oh, you were college out there. I only fuck professionals.

It was like AHL and I would call it Amateur Hockey League and the guy would get so mad and I was like I don't know what it stands for. That'll hurt. That'll burn you. Get paid! Marry, fuck, kill. Baseball, basketball, football in terms of hookups.

Okay, marry baseball. Really? I thought you were're gonna marry basketball no marry baseball fuck basketball kill the nfl kill the nfl why is the nfl getting killed they're well i don't want to say this um i had the least amount of fun with nfl players i'll do it yeah that. That'll brain damage. Not much to play with. That is tough. Yeah.

That's not fun for anybody. No. All right. So the book is, is out now. You sell publisher, right? Yeah.

It's on Amazon. That's fucking cool. That's the way to do it. I think. Yeah. That's how I'm kind of doing everything. I feel like publishers have kind of just hanging on for dear life i guess they like to help distribute and get you in bookstores and stuff yeah but i feel like if

you got a following yeah and they can give you an advance but it's like an advance is just we need to make it back anyway yeah what's the point yeah yeah so uh you just say fuck it you do it yourself yeah and there's like but then there's always, like they're taking a cut or no? Like somebody's going to be getting it. Amazon takes a cut. Right. But that's kind of the way they operate with everything. How much do they take?

So they, it's $3 per book just for the print charges. And then I get 70% and they get 30% beyond that. So it's not bad. That's a pretty good cut. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Good shit.

Yeah. I'm happy to have you back. Thank you for having me back. Are you going to walk home to a story? No. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Good shit. Yeah. I'm happy to have you back. Thank you for having me back. Are you going to walk home to a story yet? No. No. I'm not. Fucking crazy.

I'm done watching. All right. Everybody go follow her. The book is out. Stop talking about sex. Watch the special. Always a pleasure. Nice to see you.

Thanks, guys. សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បាាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.