KFC Radio - Shifting the Seasons, Crime College, Joker, and Kal Penn

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

It's 90 million degrees in October so we are just gonna shift the seasons. Maybe add a new month. Someone has got to fix this and Greta Thunberg isn't getting the job done. Why are motorcycles so loud? Joker preview. Am I the Asshole. Voicemails: Complicated or Complex, Crime College, Nut Surgery, Chernobyl Tours Kal Penn joins the program to talk about his real name, why his wikipedia is mostly fake, getting lit on fire, his butt double, his time working with Obama and his new show Sunnyside.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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No adjustment needed. That's TommyJohn.com slash KFC with 20% off. How are we doing, Johnny? Not good. Oh, no. I just realized. I forgot that i was very upset oh talking to my mother you couldn't have been that upset on the walk here i get well i run hot

or run cold so i'm upset for a while and then i just kind of forget about it it's actually pretty nice it's nice to have where i just get mad and then i just think about something else you are a human goldfish yeah yeah exactly but what are we doing wait how about this well before you get to that story because it really plays perfectly i texted john i apologized to john the other day like what four days oh yeah what the hell was that four days late and he was like i'm so offended by this and i was like the thought that john would have even like like i was doing it for me not for john we were we were on radio and and we were talking about making a gambler and i like the catchphrase

fuck your mother and tell your friends better than skateboard hotshot. And I said that on the radio. I was like, I gotta be honest I don't like skateboard hotshot. And then Casey was like, oh yeah, neither do I. And I was like, well fuck I didn't want it to be like that. I didn't want it to just be like, hey let's bring up things we don't like about

somebody's content. So what? I don't even know what day that was. That was my thursday text me monday yeah i texted him and i was like by the way gotta apologize for that like it came out wrong and he was like i am so offended right now i was legitimately offended by that text message yeah to think that you do not have the ability to offer your opinions to me no but you know like the way i said it was kind of like, I like this better than that. But the way Casey jumped on it, it just sounded like we were on a show being like, hey, man, that thing you say in your show stinks.

But you've been thinking about that for four days? Yep. No, no. Well, I thought about it four days later. For whatever reason, it popped into my head. I think I saw a tweet about making a gambler. Something came into my head. And I was like, you know what?

I got to clear my own guilty conscience here. I'm going to text them. I knew there was no shot he even probably remembered it. I had no idea. Nor would he need an apology. But I wanted to apologize for myself. You also, like, it wasn't like I hate it. There are a couple of things you yell out.

This one's my favorite one. Okay, cool. Awesome. But that's not, the way it went down was different. That's why I apologized. Because we said it and you were like, all right. And I was kind of like, yeah, man. I just kind of fucking said it. Just imagine imagine john caring about that imagine like four days later

if he got the text well well it's about time that's why we work i'll be honest anybody else at barcelona sports i would have needed to say that send that time that's see that's bullshit it's true though i guess i i guess it is i wouldn is I would never do it but like I get why you did to clear your conscience I would never be like oh I should offer that person an apology I kind of just never talk to them again granted you don't have that option with me but I'd just be like alright well

if they're mad I like I like something else they did rather than that other thing they did like you said you liked something it's fucking good I did I wouldn't actually it's funny you're the. It's fucking good. I did. I did. I did. I wouldn't actually. It's funny. You're the only person.

This is so stupid. You're the only person who wouldn't need the apology, but also the only one I could send it to. If that happened with someone else, we would just never be friends. They would secretly hate me. They would talk about it behind my back, and I would avoid them, and that would be it. That work relationship would just be over but with you i can at least say it full well knowing that you were gonna go oh yeah i don't fucking care like someone else probably would have been really offended and then what are they gonna say back to me like uh you know apology accepted yeah man that

was like fucked up and then it becomes more of a thing yeah yeah i said then you're like oh that's what it was i needed an apology i actually hated it hated it. I actually hated it. I take it back. So with you, I knew you were going to be like, I don't fucking care. So I sent it. So anyway, that's because you run hot and cold. Currently running hot about what? Just as hot. Just hot. It's just hot.

I'm running literally and metaphorically hot. It's crazy. I'm wearing shorts today. I didn't wear shorts. Oh my goodness. I'll get on a table for you. Holy shit. He's wearing shorts, folks.

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You just got to jump and put them together. Speaking of calves, I just tore mine. Yeah, you got like cargo shorts, a short-sleeved button-up, the white tube socks pulled up. If it wasn't for the Wotherspoons, if you had a pair of white New Balance on, you would be full-blown dead. I almost wore the New Balances just to really drive it home.

Just to complete the look. Maybe a fanny pack, perhaps. And I'll be honest, when I got outside, I didn't look in the mirror. And then leaving my apartment, the didn't look in the mirror. And then leaving my apartment, the hallway is just full of mirrors. So I got downstairs. I was like, I don't really like this outfit.

Too late now. I've done three flights of stairs. So I hope that's what I'm wearing today. John, you could have forgot to put pants on. Once you're three flights down, you're done for the day. That's it. The next time you go back up those stairs, it's for the night. So it got so it got clear yeah i mean it's appalling it's 90 degrees it's 90 degrees out i was walking second i was walking to the street i was talking to my mom obviously walking

either to or from work talking about that don't be stupid um and i was like i think i got i had pretty much to work so i I walked about a mile. And my mom just goes, Jesus Christ, you are turning into your Uncle Polak, who's like a real. You have an Uncle Polak? I think. So he's like a great uncle. He was my grandfather's brother. He died when I was younger.

But he was just. I don't think he was. He wasn't Polish at all because I'm not Polish. Right. I think he just acted like a polish person so which i don't know what that means doesn't that mean like stupid isn't that like the stereotype that what it means polacks are stupid yeah i think that's just like can you google that real quick like why what is this the the story behind that slur like you know the joke is always like how many polacks does it take to like tune in a light bulb or whatever like that it's just like for the longest time, everyone's like, everyone from Poland

is fucking stupid. So yeah, we had... I have no idea what his real name is. Why? Were we gassed from the walk? No, I just bitch all the time. Jesus, all you've been doing is complaining. So the two things I complained about. One, the heat. Crazy hot.

Doesn't make any sense we should just move every month back every every month as as global warming shifts like so if this was september first makes sense yep right yeah it's usually still pretty chilly honestly that second only to doming is the greatest idea that's ever come out of this podcast every month just shifted because everyone's like oh it's like you know it's warm during christmas or whatever like not anymore now now christmas is basically in january perfect fucking done because because june is always disappointingly cold it's not like yeah june's the start of summer like memorial day weekend is always like it's still like a sweatshirt yeah it's still fucking so so christmas uh so summer

is now basically july august september spring is like march may May, April, May, June? April, May, June. April, May, June. Winter is like, I guess December still is. I think December is more folly, but it's really January, February, March. Technically, winter is November 22nd or something like that, right? Or is it December? December.

December 22nd? Oh, okay. So perfect. So January, February, March is it December? December. December 22nd? Oh, okay. So perfect. So January, February, March is now winter. Yeah. That makes sense because March is a motherfucker. It makes all the sense in the entire world. Just shift it.

It's so easy. We move every month back one. Done. So you're shifting the seasons or you're shifting the months? The months. The months, but effectively. Well, I guess both. Because you could shift the actual actual months by like redoing a month like if it was like yeah you'd have to just live it twice or yeah like how i'm just saying like we want to just declare this

right now it's september 2nd september yeah this is september 2nd yeah i like so then we just have to live a month twice in order for this to take effect but you can't just say it's still it's summer so then that's when he said we're shifting the season okay so we're just shifting the season so right now uh summer summer now just goes january through uh june through like summer used to end in september like september was the end of summer we're in october it's 90 fucking degrees yeah i i think the most effective way would be to get everybody to just agree that right now is September 2nd, not October 2nd. But we can't. We don't have that poll yet.

Right, right, right. Like if I was the president, that's what I would do. Yeah, well, that's the other move. Couldn't we just make a month? Make a new month. Insert a month? Would that fix it, though? Or would that just be a cool thing to do?

Yeah, like we need to make. Look, I'm an ideas guy. I don't do the execute i don't yeah i don't execute i i was i had a meeting with erica yesterday just talking about like the ati stuff not meeting like i fucking popped my head in her office um and talking about some black friday stuff and i was like look i don't know how any of this works it's just two ideas yeah i was like i was like and i know your idea and i think it's great but I could see someone on the business side being like, this is completely and utterly infeasible. Impossible. Erica loved both ideas.

Like, that's amazing. I was like, I don't know if the numbers work. I don't know any of it. Yeah. Just, these are ideas. And it'd be great to get that feedback though. If someone said, oh, this is like, we can't possibly accomplish that. But it's a great idea.

On to the next idea. Instead, we just don't really hear any response. That's what they're here for. Yeah. I'm an ideas person. I do ideas. I don't work it out. I don't know if it's even possible.

I have ideas. You tell me if they work or not. Dude, the other day. Idea. New seasons. New months. Figure it out. Figure it out, America.

Go ahead, Donald. We're building boats or moats with fucking snakes and shit. We're doing that. Let's do the fucking, let's get the seasons figured out first. Didn't they add an extra horoscope sign like a few years ago? Did they? Yeah, I think there's just like a new one. There was only like, you know, Pisces, Sagittarius, Leo, and then there was just a new one all of a sudden.

So I think we could add a new month. I mean, these are the kind of things that how you get elected president. Like if you run on a platform of I'll change the months, people would be like, done. Done. Makes a lot of sense. I mean, every time I have an idea like that, I just add it to the platform. It's like, I'll get rid of long receipts from CBS. You guys, Greta out here clamoring for climate change.

You're like, oh, we'll fix the seasons. We're not going to fix the actual environment, but we're just going to make it make sense for everybody. It's too hot in the winter. What if I just stormed that during Greta Thornburg's United Nations speech? I was like, yo, new month. Done. She'd be like, thank you for saving my childhood. Now I can go ride my bike and have slumber parties with my girlfriends.

Great. I don't have to worry about it. I mean, really, what the fuck is up with that Greta bitch? What are you talking about? I love her. no no i feel terrible for her why because she's not living a normal life she's doing what she wants to do no she's not why because nobody wants to do that there's not i think there are people who are passionate about their not when you're like it's inconceivable to us not when she's not when you're what, a 14-year-old girl? 16. 16-year-old girl? No shot. I think 16-year-old girl being like

celebrity, isn't she? Huh? 16, 14, whatever, she's like, internet famous. I think 16-year-old girls are probably the most passionate people on the planet. Yeah, but about... This is just the thing she has to be passionate about. Yes, but that's the thing. 16-year-old girls are not passionate about real stuff like the environment. They're passionate about dumb shit like

the boy in class. I think that, I think it varies. I think there are boys in class who are passionate about real stuff like the environment they're passionate about dumb shit like the boy in class i think that i think it varies i think they're they're boys in class who are passionate about comic they're passionate about being passionate they just want to have something you put a gun to that girl's head she doesn't want to fucking do this environment shit anymore i disagree she's created a monster that she can't stop it's like anything else it's like i don't want to do this podcast anymore i just have to that girl's like what's it become the job it's like i don't want to do this podcast anymore i just have to that girl's like once it becomes a job it's a job today yeah absolutely in the beginning she was like oh i liked it better when the months were nice and now she's like fuck i have to go to the general assembly of the united nations like her girlfriends are like hey grata are you what did you get a dress for the dance yet it's like i'm sorry i gotta talk to fucking greenland about like their

their carbon footprint today i get the fuck out of here. I respect people who are passionate about things. Again, it's one thing I don't have. I respect people who aren't like me. I think she's doing her thing. I like it.

She's the polar opposite of you. Those are the people I tend to gravitate towards. She's got conviction. If you are the exact opposite of me, I'm like, fuck those are the people i tend to like gravitate towards yeah she's got conviction if you yeah if you are the exact opposite of me i'm like fucking i respect that but you're a good person i i also i mean if you think you think that you're gonna change the environment nor is that of the barn it's over it's it's fucking over bro dude it's i've accepted that it's over since that episode of Newsroom. When, I think it's Toby.

Toby Flenderson is the, I forget, the head of the EPA or something like that. And the chick who had her nudes leak in real life sees him on the train and overhears the conversation and has him on the show. And Will Backenboy is like, so what can we do? And he's like, nothing. We need to start 250 years ago. He's like, it's done. And he's like, well, what if we? And he lists all these things. He goes, great idea.

He's like, OK, so we'll start there. He's like, no, would have been good 20 years ago. It's too late. It's just too late. We are permanently ill. And they just make us comfortable. We can't survive, so let's just... We're in a hospital.

But yeah, just load us up with morphine and let us have a good time. We might as well just all rev our engines and let them fucking run and just die quicker. But isn't that what Greta's talking about? She's like, you... She's talking about the people who are like 60 now. I think that's what they said when they were our age. Like, ah, we can't do anything. Yeah.

And she's like, you could've. Start now. Yeah, but I think it's too late. But there is like... That's what I'm saying. That's why she's mad at the people who said it's too late. Well, she's like, you could have. Start now. Yeah, but I think it's too late. That's what I'm saying. That's why she's mad at the people who said it's too late. Well, she's mad at them, but what are you going to do? It's over. But if you start now, some 16-year-old fucking loser chick in the 80s,

and then we would be good. But if you do something now, the one-year-old who's going to be Greta in 16 years is going to be like, well, at least you did something. Yeah, no, but that person's dead already. The 16-year-old? Yeah, the world's going to blow up. It's like it's a wrap. That's the point. It's a wrap.

It's all too late. What's going on over there? I'm trying to find what it's called. No, I meant the noises you were making. Oh, yeah, me. I'm just having a heartburn. I'm fucking about to throw up my heart. It's called, like like malkurian i forget what it's called manchurian candidate no but it's like it's basically it's the theory that really human beings are kids in college who don't write their paper until the last minute.

We won't figure out how to fix this and invent something that fixes this until you're left with that. Right now, it's like, yeah, things are fine. When we're at fucking minute zero, then we'll call it with some shit to save the day.

It's a great theory. It's being like, I write my best papers when I have an hour until it's due. Like, fucking bullshit. No, but here's the thing. You cannot recreate urgency. Right. It's impossible. We do this every month with a live show.

We give Nick all of our ideas on the last day. Yeah. The day of the show. Yeah, I would love to give it to him two weeks in advance so he could plan it and do it i don't have any ideas two weeks in advance i have ideas in the shower the day of it's impossible and so right now we're like oh the environment's broken i'm not really i'm still here and the day that it's like oh boy it's like raining fire let's figure something out get out the domes then until then you know we're not living on mars yes right we invented it we're going to mars right now and and yeah shout out to greta for being the only

chick who doesn't procrastinate but like until you get i don't know eight billion more people to agree with you it doesn't matter that's it was like what we're doing with like the ati thing yesterday so like what should we do for like a rollout i was like we'll figure it out. Roll what out, John? Well, like, I don't know. Season two? Season two is what we're rolling out. Romance or the internet. Nothing else, though. Oh, the other thing that was burning me, though?

What are you burning hot? Motorcyclists have to get the fuck out of here. I'm so fucking sick of you. You went from the bicyclist to the motorcyclist. It's like I was just trying to talk on the phone. What are you doing, you fucking dickhead? But more importantly, it's terrible for you, isn't it? Right, it can't be.

When a motorcycle goes by, it bothers me for that, like, split second. Imagine if you're just sitting on it the whole time. There's no one. It's like people who drive, like, Hummers and sports cars get shit for little dick syndrome. No one's got little dick syndrome. Like a fucking old asshole in a leather vest with a 10,000 fucking decibel bike they're riding. Shut the fuck up in the streets of New York. Yeah, everyone's scared of them.

I'm done being scared of motorcyclists. Shut your fucking engine off, you dickhead. It's just like, it's a grating, raping, offensive noise that I just, I'm just trying to fucking walk to work in peace, dude, and I got to fucking hear you from 17 blocks away. Oh, yeah. Congratulations. You saw a cool t-shirt

when you were fucking six. God damn it. Get in a cab like a normal fucking person. Uncle Polak is in the building. It's like, it's crazy. I'm not messing with any sons of anarchy. Yeah, no, everyone's fucking scared of them because they wear leather vests do you remember i'm done being scared you're too loud you're too

loud to be alive yeah no i mean i'm with you on that i'm just not gonna voice it as much as you are do you remember a couple years ago when that guy ran over them so like every was like every sunday oh hey not a second i don't want that to follow me up right away i'll run the guys over no no you'll like to shut up for a second this every like sunday i think it's i think it's sundays when they do that big pack down like the west side highway yeah yeah so they they they just rev and they fucking pile up and everything and they were like surrounding that range rover remember yeah and he he had his wife and kid in the car and they like kind of you know somebody cut somebody else off so there's like a little bit of road rage and then they were like getting in front of him and slowing down

and he just fucking gunned it and ran over them being like i gotta get me and my fucking family out of here and like i think one of them either died or got horribly injured they started like racing up alongside him smashing his windows and shit but i think they followed him like to his house or whatever right like ripped him out and beat the shit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there was also like a horrible that was a big that was a big i blogged that and i got in the mix and that was like a couple years ago before you know like everything we blog now goes like you know that would be a monster story well it just happened in nashua new hampshire i think again i don't want to be associated people do the thing with the bikers where they're like aren't you glad this

person's deadly no i'm not fucking glad anyone's dead dude i just want peace and quiet on my walk but the like uh the um some like asshole in new hampshire like well like he had like a driving a truck with a trailer and then just like kind of like did that same thing like riding through i don't want that to happen like no i was i was i can't i can't be more clear about that i feel like it should i was okay with him running over those people i I was. Well, those people, these people were just like good people. They were just like. They were just riding their motorcycles and he just smashed them. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah, they didn't.

This guy was definitively in the wrong. I believe he was going to jail for the rest of his life. Yeah, that sounds about right. But. Yeah, I mean. But like, it's just, it's one of those things. I remember when I was young, I used to think what made me look cool was driving my car with the windows down and music blasting.

And you get fucking older and you're like, I look like such a shithead. Such an idiot. That music is too loud. I was demanding everyone's attention and bothering everyone around me. And you were probably doing it in a fucking Toyota Corolla. I was doing a Land Rover. Oh! I forgot we're talking about the title.

I was doing it in a Toyota Corolla. It was a Land Rover discovery that broke down every goddamn day. Every single day. It was crazy. I hated driving that car because every time I started it, I was like, don't know if I'm going to get to my destination on this one. I had it for like six months. And then from then I drove my grandfather's old Buick LeSabre with a fucking,

he had one arm. And so he had like the suicide wheel attached to it. So I could just fucking whip around in that thing. But that's all besides the point. He had one arm? Yeah, he lost one arm and uh it has we had like the suicide wheel attached to it so i just fucking whip around in that thing um but that's all besides one arm yeah he lost an arm uh it was he lost an arm uh yeah what's the problem bro during uh stupid questions the man had one arm man out of one arm yeah he had a surgery it just didn't go well and he had like i forget uh but whatever the uh lost it yeah imagine that you come out of surgery and they go yeah it didn't go great yeah they used we lost they used like a painkiller that like he was allergic to and they had to like amputate his arm and like a foot you wake up and you just look over like wait a minute i was having like like thumb surgery where's my arm but uh but yeah but

eventually you grow up and you realize this isn't demanding. Just really invading everyone's airspace is an asshole move. Yo, how about this? People on bikes just never had that growing up. How about when it rains? What do you do? Stop and over. When it's a monsoon?

What about when it's raining before you leave the house? What if you're just like, alright, I gotta go to work today. Ah, it's raining. How about the fact that most people with motorcycles also have a car? How about the fact that it's illegal to drive a car without wearing a seatbelt, yet you're allowed to just sit on top of an engine

with wheels and go, like, much much faster than anybody else. I do get I do sometimes have visions of just popping the door open when they go in between the traffic i just that's just like uh if i have to sit here so do you fuck you you know pow i actually like motorcycle like i follow taylor kitch on instagram obviously and he's a big motorcycle guy but like he does it in the mountains i think that would be awesome i've been going on like a mountain ride or even like the panama was a pcb or pch pch of the pacific coast highway yeah that shit would be fucking cool but like when you're in a city and you're just being so loud to everybody i think

highway cruises are cool i think fucking like mountain cruises are cool all that shit like is awesome i would like to do that stuff but just like in new york city dude why are you being so loud right in my ear what do you like what's worse a harley or like a grouch rocket like a ninja one i would uh a harley is louder but a harley is objectively cool it's just a harley harley bothers me with my sound but i think it looks cool i mean to like get on your fucking thing where you're like right yeah that that one idea i like the ones that are like you're sitting on like a fucking couch you know the the ninjas i think i would those those are people who like had dirt bikes as a kid yeah i think you're a shitty person you're rejected to heart and like

i think you're like i think i think i would like people who ride harleys like i think we'd have fun have a beer like i don't think they'd like you i think no i think they would like me they call you an f word i think i think i would like people who ride like harleys and shit like that and i think we have a beer we could be cool i think people who uh i think we have similar interests yeah i think people who ride like kawasaki's we do not have anything in common yamaha so you're but they're but they're not as loud yeah but i think people who ride harleys would tend to like silence when they're not on a harley i think they'd like to just have a fucking glass of whiskey and just sit there quietly yeah by a fire or some shit like that i think we would get along when they're not on their bike i just want to be like in the sons of anarchy without having a motorcycle like didn't

didn't like chucky drive like the like a van didn't they also have like a van for like when they're running guns i'll just be like the van driver that'll be me or i'll be the guy sitting in a little cubby on the side that would be great i would love that how much of a flex would that be if like i could see someone like snoop dog doing that like like the guy rides in the he rides in the cubby and holds the umbrella over his head it's like that's me i just. I just want to get driven around in my motorcycle cubby. So fuck the environment. Fuck the calendar. I say fuck Greta, and you say fuck motorcyclists.

Yes. Hell of a start here to KFC Radio. Hey, guess what? None of that was in the pre-planning thing. That was just, do we have enough for the show? I don't know. Let's start it. Bingo. Bingo. Bongo. You're going to get a four-hour episode now because we still have to talk about everything

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bucks. That's drinkcircle.com slash KFC. The Joker is out. Joker, by the time you hear this. Yeah, okay, it's out. Looks awesome. Todd Phillips is the guy who did Old School and a couple other things. Sounded like kind of a dickhead yesterday. Did he?

Well, we'll get in. I think he has a right to at this point. Him, Joaquin Phoenix are on the press tour for the movie. And the amount of people that are talking about this being like, there needs to be a police presence. New York City will have a police presence at every theater. At the theater tonight. That's crazy.

It's glorifying mental health issues. It's encouraging mental health people to uh you know act out everyone's connecting it to the aurora shooting all of this criticism by the way is being done by people who haven't seen the movie right like i'm assuming yeah unless it's like you know i haven't heard that i haven't heard that criticism from actual film reviewers right who are i would imagine the people who have seen the movie yeah like no one's like oh my god you can't like it's like just regular newspaper articles just guessing what the movie is about now on the one hand i think this is actually super flattering

because there's been billions of movies about psychopaths and killers and murderers and all cults and all sorts of scary psychological shit. And nobody is worried about them. Nobody ever says anything about that. So I think this is almost like a testament to people saying, this movie is going to be so good and it's going to be so accurate and realistic that we need to worry about the impact of it. So in that sense, congratulations, Todd Phillips.

Right, the best marketing you could ever buy. And also, yeah, congratulations just on the marketing. I mean, whether or not – it's not exactly – you probably don't want your movie to be associated with negative things. And I'm sure, God forbid, anything did happen, they wouldn't want that. But a movie that's supposed to be psychologically fucked up that's operating under the specter of like this might influence people to actually do that has my interest piqued has a lot of people thinking about it talking about it probably wanting to see it and whether uh you know want to find out whether they whether the the fuss was justified or not so it i think overall this is a

good thing i think it's a great thing for the movie but But I also, I can understand Todd Phillips and Joaquin Phoenix and their interviews being like, Joaquin Phoenix cut one short the other day. Oh, no, Todd Phillips didn't sound like a dickhead about the Joker. What did he sound like a dickhead? He's one of those fucking can't be funny in this day and age guys. That's why he made the Joker. That's why he went to the Joker.

He said, try being funny in this woke comedy era. There are so many fucking funny things on. And also, Todd Phillips, you were not a fucking edgy comic. You didn't make edgy, funny things. You made that hangover in old school. Those both get made today, no problem. Yeah, they get made, but they probably have to change some things. I mean, my favorite joke from old school is the cab driver,

and you can't even say that. You can still say faggot if you're being, like, in an actor's, like, when you're playing a role, you can still say that. I think that if old school came out today, someone would have some fucking article being like, so now automobile safety means you're. But just because someone writes an article doesn't mean you can't do it no but i think that you have to you do have to worry that if the articles stack up and if there are you know uh sponsors involved and you know people like fucking those those aren't like crazy neither of those movies even come close to mind if you think of like offensive like edgy pushing pushing the boundary yeah it's pretty like standard it's a frat it's a frat boy comedy they're both they're both do quite literally like frat boy comedy yeah that are that still get made today probably

six times a year right they're they're funny movies they're classics i love both those movies just in general by the way he is able like i i think of him as like the funny guy director i didn't think of him as uh you know psychological thriller joker type guy but um this movie looks fucking fire this movie looks awesome but the fact that people keep associating it with the aurora shooting and that's why you have all these fucking like uh the cops have to come and why all these articles are being written about how it's dangerous to give people like like the like the aurora shooter you know a reason to feel good about himself and that his way was the right way.

The fact that people still associate the Aurora shooting or ever associated the Aurora shooting with the Joker is fucking insane. It's like an accepted fact now that the Aurora shooting was the Joker. And that was all like disproven, right? There was literally, literally nothing that had to do with the Joker out of anything in that shooting. That shooting happened in a Batman movie with the Joker, right? It was, no,

it was the Dark Knight. It was the Dark Knight Rises. It was Bane. Bane was the one in the movie. It was the Bane movie. It was not the Joker movie. And then there were reports that came out because the New York police commissioner said that while shooting up the new york police commissioner said that while shooting up the place the shooter was like i'm the joker he said witnesses said that

the aurora police were like what is that guy talking about why would the new york police commissioner know anything about what happened they're like he never said that it never happened he dyed his hair red the j Joker doesn't have red hair. The Joker has green hair. James Holmes said he dyed his hair red because it represents bravery. He said that he said to a prison psychiatrist. I don't know why they're calling me the Joker in here. They've kind of made me a supervillain.

It's pretty awesome. He himself doesn't know what it's all about. But how awful is that? That he's like, thanks, guys. Yeah. Like you fucking assholes. It's crazy that people still associate that with the fucking Joker. There's nothing to do with the Joker.

Stop blaming that on Batman and movies and shit like that. It's a fucking psychopath who had access to guns who shot up a place. He did it because it was a fucking blockbuster. If Endgame was coming out, guess what? Endgame was getting shot up. It's crazy that we're still just like, yeah, it's dangerous to make Joker movies because remember the shooting

had nothing to do with them. Do you think that there's anybody going to the... I mean, I guess now if the cops are going to be there, you would, but I would never in a million years go to the Joker and be like, let me check for the exits. No!

I guess if there's going to be cops standing there, people are going to be worried now. But this is a complete fabrication. What do you mean cops standing there? When you go to the airport, are you nervous? No, I guess not, yeah. They're working on a fucking AR-15 and shit. They're strapped to the gills. I guess we're not the best.

We're just like, well, whatever happens, happens. But everyone should be like that because guess what there's nothing you can fucking do whatever happens is gonna happen whatever my whatever my spleen wants to do my spleen's gonna do i do think about it all the time like i can't believe that somebody doesn't blow up the new york city subways every single day every time i go down there i'm like this would be the best place to kill a bunch of people who can't get out so easy drop a bomb on your back and go blow up trains all day long sorry you know yeah i mean if you're listening like uh you know just joking don't go do that but like how easy would it be i i don't know how easy it is to get access to a bomb well yeah i'm saying

like once you had the bomb, like, I guess you got to have the stones to do it, like, suicide style, but, like, I don't know. That I do think about. You can't really do it all day long. You can do it one time. Yeah. Yeah, it's real, but I think that goes to show the fear that media

and stuff like that kind of push on you. Because we've talked about it before. We're just like, largely, everyone in the world is good. Like 99.999999. Because that stuff is easy. Right. It is easy to fucking get shit into a game. It is easy.

It is easy to kill. I'm not saying it's easy to get away with it or it's easy to live with it. It is easy to kill someone. Every not saying it's easy to get away with it or it's easy to live with it. It is easy to kill someone. Every single day, there's a million opportunities. People just don't do it because very largely we're all good people. We'll find out. Except people who ride motorcycles really well. Do you think we're good people or just –

I was going to say the Aurora shooter probably rode a motorcycle to the theater that night. Do you think it's good people or do you think it's people fear consequences well either way you know you're not bad enough to throw like no because the only reason i say that is because i you know one of the theories put forth about like why shootings are on the rise is now the benefits outweigh the consequences because they can be made into some type of what they see as a hero. Yeah, well, like, I mean, this is to the max. This guy is like, I've been turned into a supervillain. Yeah, they're going to go to jail, but he accomplished what he wanted to accomplish. I mean, I think it's pretty simple to not show any shooters and show all the victims.

I think we just have to do that. I know it's, like, upsetting, but it works so much better. But then, like, I think that that's what people are like, well, now you're showing a shooter in this movie like that and that's what they're mad about i think that you should be able to wait what i mean you're showing a shooter in basically every movie because because that's what i agree with her shoots people like the joker is like i what i got from this trailer is like we're showing the degradation of someone's mental health and how they take it and turn it

violent go towards violence yeah so it's like if you don't want to show the real but we don't know what happens in the movie like what if i was gonna say that happens but he like joker just he like what if he you know him what if you just raped a single girl it's like this we're not it doesn't turn into mass violence i mean it probably does we know the joker but i'm saying we don't know we haven't seen the fucking movie but also we've seen other movies. This has already happened. We glorify Heath Ledger's performance. He was a bad guy. It's a terrible thing.

But we say he was a great actor. Right. He was a great actor. No, I'm saying, and I think it's still a great character, too. Because that's part of storytelling. There's bad guys. They tell the story of bad guys and heroes. I think from the trailer, though, right now, I could see people interpreting it as like,

you're making this guy the hero of this movie. But maybe you're not. Yeah. There's something else going on. I would be surprised if the Joker ends up being the hero of this movie. Yeah. Who's like the, it's not Batman, right? It's like pre-Batman.

Yeah, it's just how he becomes Batman. I don't even think there is a hero. I think it's like a prequel. Yeah, I don't think he gets caught or anything in the end I think but I think it's like it's not like and that's the fucking that's that's your your probably my guess is the bad guy anti-hero type shit it's just like he's the bad guy

yeah it's just like there are movies sometimes where just like the bad guy gets away but you know he's the bad guy yeah we know the Joker's the bad guy right don't go it's just like every other fucking bad guy right you know Thanos he's a bad guy went away about half know, Thanos. He was a bad guy. Went to wipe out half of humanity. I mean, I was actually on his team.

It's a bad example. Yeah, he made a lot of sense. Yeah, making a lot of points. Hannibal Lecter, you could say, like, oh, this guy's a terrible person, but, like, the people love the movie. Yeah, Darth Vader. I mean, he's just a bad guy in a movie. Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Everybody fucking relax. Let's find out who's the asshole, huh? I'm addicted to it. I'm like the asshole. I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to it. It's like it is just everything in everything we do, everything that this show basically is. I now follow Am I the Asshole on Twitter, and they just tweet out all examples all day long,

and I just read them being like, you're the asshole. Nope, you're the asshole. Nope, that guy's the asshole. Am I the Asshole is brought to you by. It's great to stand in judge of people. Am I the Asshole brought to you by Legacy box uh we're the last generation i believe that grew up with polaroid cameras and those disposable clicky ones and uh we used to do christmas morning my dad had like a fucking news news camera video camera on the on his shoulder so we had like full VCR tapes and old pictures and,

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That's LegacyBox.com slash KFC. Exclusive discount of 40%. Get to preserving your past today. So I'm just ripping through these Twitter assholes here. And they just get better and better. Because I feel like the asshole account really makes sure that they tweet out the true assholes of the bunch. Would I be the asshole for telling my son to slow down his relationship with his girlfriend? 40-year-old mom, 14-year-old son.

My son just started high school. He's already found a girlfriend six or seven weeks into freshman year. He's with a girl who's 15 and will turn 16 in December. I find that's a pretty inappropriate relationship to begin with. I kind of feel where she's coming from on that. I remember being, I was dating an older girl, and she for sure corrupted me, and I was doing things I should not have been doing. And I'm pretty sure my parents knew it she's gonna be 17 no that's also the problem he's 14 she's 15 turning 16 it's like yeah but he's 14 turning 15

yeah it's like yeah it's like being like well she's 15 one day she's gonna be 26 yeah but right now they're just a year apart i was dating a girl who was two years older, and it was highly inappropriate. So I kind of feel that. She continues, though. He's been a bit too open to the point where it feels like he's rubbing it in my face that he cares about someone else and not me. He essentially brags all the time about how pretty she is and probably says two to three times a day to me and my husband how much he loves her. He's known her for about five to six weeks feels like he's starting to neglect his family would i be the asshole if i told him that he needs to slow things down a bit i'm afraid that this is going to lead to him having sex and his grades dropping he acts like i'm the devil

should i would i be the asshole if i told him to slow it down i'm gonna defer to the parent on this so this is you already with the soul who boys i i just i can see it's got to be so weird when your kid starts banging it's like what the fuck you know and as if it's a son, it's real weird. Because, you know, double standards. But to be like, you're rubbing it in my face. Now it sounds like you're a 40-year-old woman who's jealous of a 15-year-old girl. Yeah. It sounds like this girl is fucking hot. She's sexy.

She's probably the cool kid in school. And you're a 40-year-old mom who doesn't like that because you weren't that. That's what it sounds like to me. I think this is such an easy, yeah, dude, you're a 40-year-old mom who doesn't like that because you weren't that. That's what it sounds like to me. I think this is such an easy – yeah, dude, you're a fucking asshole. You're a fucking psychopath. You have already irreparably damaged your son. Before this ever came up, your son is already going to be the fucking weirdo. He has the shittiest mom on the planet.

I think this is so cut and dry that you're a lunatic fucking Weaver, Carol Weaver. Who's the Stranger Things? Winona Ryder? No, the other one. The mom who's trying to fuck Stevie. This is Wheeler. Yeah.

You're a fucking weirdo, dude. There's no way. Like, honest to God, kill your son, because there's no way he ever has a normal life. At least if you kill him, he will have the legacy of being like, oh, he was a nice boy, but his mom was a psycho. The nicest thing you can do for your son is fucking kill him because the rest of his life is ruined because of what you've done to him already. I want to see a follow-up from the father. Like, would I be the asshole for telling my wife that she's bitter and jealous as fuck of a 15 year old girl that my son's banging because that's what's going

on guess what honey she's prettier than you she's cooler than you you're ugly you're jealous of those girls back then you're jealous of them now and she's sucking your son's dick that never crossed my mind that's why these are weirder maybe it's because I wasn't having sex or anything like that at that age. I know kids have changed and all that shit, or at least they have in TV, so we think they have in real life. But the idea that they were having sex never crossed my mind because I was not having sex at that age. I could also see a 14-year-old boy being the most annoying person in the world. I think my kids are i wouldn't complain about it on the internet forum but i'd be like he stopped fucking talking

about how much he loves his girlfriend see i think of again this is just me because i was young i think like 14 to me is still a child like i think he's like still like yeah that's why it would be annoying if he was like i'm in love with my girlfriend but like yeah like go ride your bike i think i think of it as you're still young enough where it's like cute where it's like i think like 17 18 that shit gets annoying when you're like you don't love her you're an idiot you'd be like eighth grade yeah i think middle school's still like oh it's like he's got a crush it's cute well that's the thing though is if like they're like hanging out alone together and like you think they're like fucking it's not really cute anymore. I didn't get the fact that she

thinks it might lead to sex. Yeah, that is that age. I don't think... I would not be like, oh, they're fucking in the living room and I gotta go sit in his cum on the couch after. I think it's just like, oh, my girlfriend's so pretty, I love her.

Again, maybe I have the wrong take on how 14-year-olds act, but that's what I would i have the wrong take on how 14 year olds act but that's what i would pay that's how i would be 14 is a little bit early i guess because 15 16 i think there's come on the couch yeah i think it's i think it's even even that like i i would find that more annoying i wouldn't think sex still come on the couch but i think when that when people when they're like i think there'd be there gets a there gets a clear threshold though it's almost like adult age when it's not adorable to think you're going to marry this girl. It's adorable when you're young.

It's obviously not happening. Once it gets to the age where it's almost a threat, where it's like, I'm going to marry her. And you're like, fuck, you're old enough to make that decision. That's when it gets annoying. Speaking of that, I get a lot of stool stoolies uh asking me you know like my my relationship's fucked up too what do i do sort of thing and i'm just i'm just pushing the age of like like someone like a guy like sent me a message and he's like yo i've been with my girl for like a long time but like it's not working what do i do i'm like how old you he's like 22 i'm like dude

i know you don't want to hear this like just, just break up with her. Like, she's not going to be forever. And you're too young for that. And then like someone's like, yeah, we're like in law school together. And we're like 26. I'm like, that's fake. Like, just dump her. Someone's like, we're 30. We've been together for like, you know, a few years.

We have a kid. I'm like, come on. You're still young. Just dump her. Just keep pushing the fucking team. Just moving the goalposts on what a serious relationship is how about this one would i be the asshole for getting annoyed at my wife's grandfather's foot fetish before i even give you details yes or no yes yeah i mean i'm sorry no

you're not the asshole right wait no wait hang on yeah no i think you're an asshole some old guy's got a foot fetish that's not your business if i guy's got a foot fetish? That's not your business. If I know you have a foot fetish, that's a problem. If you're an old person and I know you have a foot fetish, that's a problem. Well, let's find out why. Let's find out why. My wife's grandparents came in for a visit to see our kid. By the way, so I'm right now on the train of you're not the asshole.

We'll see if I'm proven horribly wrong. I think I'm going to be. My wife's grandparents came in for a visit to see our kid. Totally great people, and I enjoyed their company. On day three of their visit, her grandfather starts rubbing his wife's grandparents came in for a visit to see our kid totally great people and i enjoyed their company on day three of their visit her grandfather starts rubbing his wife's feet again not a big deal we did a lot of walking that day that sounds romantic to me good old foot rub sure about 15 nothing old people is romantic if there's like skin involved but well you're about to puke about 15 minutes in he starts lacing his fingers around her toes like yeah and he takes off his shoes and socks and they start rubbing each other's feet sprawled out on the on the couch

really going at it saying things like do you like that with the occasional quasi moan after about a half hour they abruptly say they're both tired and going to bed early it was apparent from the noises coming from the spare bedroom that sleeping was not occurring i told my wife whoa that was weird we need to talk to your grandparents about keeping those things a little more private not in front of our toddler plus oh my god nobody wanted to see that my wife said it wasn't a big deal we should ignore it i'm not mad they're still intimate and i'm not mad they went to pound town in my spare bedroom what upset me was their obvious sexual foot rubbing lasting for 45 minutes on my couch in front of my kid. Honestly, it wasn't something I wanted to see. Would I be the asshole if I asked him to be the asshole?

Fuck no, you wouldn't be. I'll say this, though. Don't fucking blame your toddler. No, no, no. That's why that's the only use that toddler has right now in this world. Yeah. As an excuse. So, yes.

Yeah. No, that guy. It has nothing to do with the toddler. You can just say, I don't like seeing your old toes in my face and hearing you, like, cumming your pants over it. No, I don't like having awkward conversations. So, yeah. It should be apparent to all parties.

This is a me issue. But guess what? I'm putting it on Timmy. I'm using my kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, that's – That's the only thing that I can say across the board is good about kids. Because, you know, I don't know.

Some people probably don't like hanging out with their kids. Some people don't like their kids, probably. But the one thing every parent can agree on, using your kids as an excuse for things, it's the best. It's the absolute best. You don't want to go somewhere. You don't want to do something. You want to get out of something awkward.

You want somebody to stop doing whatever. That's the main selling point for children, I feel like. That's the main reason to fucking have them. Not like the people always joke about chores. Kids do chores like shit. But having them just be like, yeah, I can't do it tonight. The kid's here. Hey, can you stop fucking sucking your wife's toes?

Because my kid's here. To allow that for 45 minutes, very non-confrontational. If you're fucking foot fucking on my couch, like, dude, what are you doing? I also think I would just be like, I'm going to the other room. Yeah, yeah. Okay, this will just be like the foot fucking room. You guys can have it, the old weirdos. I'll be in the bedroom, like.

Fucking having red vines all up your toes, running them. Get out of here, you sick old pervert. Last one before we get to our voicemails. Am I the asshole? I only give the asshole for getting mad about anyone's fetish. If I know about your fetish, that's a problem. Fetishes are meant to be kept quiet. If I see it. If I just told you I have a fetish. But if you're always talking

about it, I get it. Jesus Christ. Which I guess is probably what a fetish is, though, you know? People probably do talk about it a lot, you know? I think the hot part of a fetish is the secret part. I think the people who are... The naughty part. If you think it's acceptable, then it's not really a fetish anymore.

It's just you're weird. Yeah, I just feel like people who are truly into a fetish probably make it like their lives. Like if you're a furry, you probably hang out with other furries and shit like that. I'm just talking about being a furry. Yeah, but I don't even think that's a fetish. I think that's just like you're weird. You know what's... I furries and shit like that. I'm just talking about being a furry. Yeah, but I don't even think that's a fetish. I think that's just like your weird.

You know what's... I've been having anxiety attacks recently, you know? And I started to have a lot more. Have you been grounding yourself? No. What's that mean? You have to find five things you can see. Right.

Oh, this is when you talk about like literally what's going on in front of you, right? Five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can eat. Eat? What if I'm in this room? What can I eat here? There's stuff to eat in here. What? Gummies.

Gummies. There's always something you can eat, I guess. I was watching Succession, and I think Greg did that the other day. He did? You got any? I actually, I'm still watching. Because he was like, I'm rubbing my face to Windows. He just started talking very literally and shit.

I love fucking Greg, by the way. I don't get the appeal of Greg. I don't dislike Greg. I just don't see the love for Greg. I find him kind of frustrating. Everyone on the show is a fucking asshole. I think

there's usually an asshole where it's like that but like just be like him on his like he's almost like that evan hansen kid a bit where it's like dude just be fucking normal right it's not it's not like he's a dickhead but i have a few episodes behind i actually oh oh then you gotta catch up because i i agree with a lot of like everything you're saying and then recently he kind of becomes uh i just watched the panic room episode that was the funniest episode of the series i thought that was so funny what was funny that was funny for greg when um when tom thought he was like when he was mad he

was in the not good that was funny yeah yeah he was like am i the target are they coming for me that was funny when greg was like this is just a regular room yes tom all right man now i'm talking about it also when he's like blackmailing him yes tom and greg are fucking hilarious tom thinking that everything's always about him is so good wait Did they mention me? No, they didn't, Tom. Real mean starting. I don't even know where we were. I'm having anxiety attacks. I'm getting more

claustrophobic. I saw some porn the other day where they were vacuum sealed in the fucking latex. Jesus Christ, Kevin. No, I didn't even watch those. They were like, you know when they're like completely in yeah no i know it but like i don't see those points i know of them would you just be like uh i would never trust somebody i would never trust somebody i'd be like you're

not gonna let me out right like when they're like their arms their legs are behind them they got like barely like a mouth hole like this oh that person would just leave me in there like that forever i'm sweating just thinking about it i'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about latex porn right now last one am i the asshole for being furious with my husband for getting the sublime son tattooed on his arm yeah i mean no no right kind of off the bat like you're the asshole if you get a sublime tattoo right hey look i love sublime sublime is awesome did you see post-mortem covering it i did that's great pretty good uh i think i don't i think we talk about this a lot with famous And look, I love Sublime. Sublime's awesome. Did you see Post Malone covering it? I did. It was great.

Pretty good. I think we talk about this a lot with famous artists, and I get why you wouldn't want to do it, because you're like, I get paid for this shit. But it seems like he was just walking through a club and just like, yo, I'll do a song with you. Yeah. I would do it all the time. Yeah, me too.

I would do it all the time. That's, I mean, instant go viral, instant like, I'm down to earth, I'm cool, whatever. But Sublime is awesome. The Sublime album, self-titled sublime album is like something me and my dad used to listen to all the time it's fucking great i but still don't get the sun tattoo this guy has tattoos all over him he said he got drunk last weekend and his friend tattooed the sublime sun logo on his upper bicep it's a quality tattoo the friend's a good tattoo artist.

It was his favorite band in junior high, and he thought it was hilarious in an ironic way. When I woke up to him sleeping next to me yesterday, I exploded. It's a fucking sublime tattoo. Like, I can't take him seriously anymore. And this honestly makes me question his judgment in general, that he would take his leg tattoos so seriously,

and that he said he'd never touch his arms. I told him this. He said I'm overreacting. Wait, hang on. I'm confused. You said he's covered in tattoos, but none on his arms? I told him this. He said I'm overreacting. Wait, hang on. I'm confused. You said he's covered in tattoos but none on his arms? My husband has both of his legs fully tattooed, and he's always said he's never tattooed his arms. Oh, that's weird.

I mean, you're with a tattoo guy, and he got a tattoo of a band he likes. I think everyone's an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you're an asshole, dude. You got the sublime tattoo. I'm being a judgmental asshole by judging you as an asshole kind of. She's just, like, an asshole person.

Yeah. Well, it is weird. This relationship is doomed. One guy's a douchebag with a sublime tattoo. I'm never touching my arms, and you just get drunk and get – that's weird. If you say something like, I'm never touching my arms, or, like, even if you're a tattoo guy, and you're like, I'm never getting – or if you're not a tattoo guy, and you said, I'm never getting a tattoo, and you get something stupid.

But, like, if you got, like, something like that with their kids or them i think you'd be fine with it but if you say i'm never getting that tattoo somewhere and you just get a stupid one i could see being i i just upset i also uh i i learned i just realized this about myself like in general and i don't know if there's a guy girl thing or whatever i mean i feel like girls like this is a girl thing to get mad at right like would you ever would you get mad at your girl for doing this if she can't if she came home and had like a tlc tattoo on her yeah i'd be like yeah but what the fuck is wrong with you i just don't think i'd ever do that because i just don't think i think i think i'm at a point in my life where i just i don't think i'm in any position to i gotta judge people on the show and on the internet I'll have my opinion about them but if I was like in a

relationship with them I wouldn't ever like speak up I don't I don't care to do like I mean I don't know you're a fucking adult you live your own goddamn life yeah but I think that tattoo is stupid but I don't know how it affects me is what would bother me because then now everyone like what is that on her arm like I don't know dude

she's got a fucking TLC tattoo and eventually it would wear me down to the point where I don't like you it's the picture in the bathroom yeah yeah i would get down i'd be like i'd be like i resent her for getting that to tattoo because it makes me have to have annoying conversations all the fucking time and eventually you know we're just done because so as long as it affects you right what if everyone else loved the tlc tattoo then then what would you do i'd probably still bother because then it would bother me that everyone likes it. You're a chick. You're a chick. You're the girl

in the relationship. I would suffer all silently as always, but it's... Yeah, all that would bother me. If I knew it was stupid because I was right and everyone was like, that's amazing, but what's wrong with all of you? Are none of you seeing this? I'm dumping you and you're all out of my life now. Goodbye.

Everybody's getting cut out. Voicemails. What do we got? Let's get into it. KFC, Fights, Super Producer BC, just listening to Barstool Radio. I was wondering, if you could major into crime, what would it be? Like go to college and be taught a specific crime set to pursue

for a career. What would your choice be? Alright, me either. Major into crime? I think this is a pretty easy one for me. Drug smuggling. That's a pretty good one. I think drug smuggling has all the benefits of everything. I think you get to go to fun places.

You get to do cool shit. You get to make a lot of money. I think... Can I major in some white-collar crime? Huh? I think I want to do some white-collar crime. I think a major in white-collar crime is just going to college. That's just called business, dude.

Get a business degree. I'm a CFA. I went to Harvard. I graduated with a finance degree. I work at fucking Chase now. I major in white-collar crime, motherfucker. That's it. You're making tons of sense this episode.

I guess. Oh, oh no you know what i think i mean if we're not talking about like psychological repercussions i'd love to be a hitman that's cool if i could be like if you know we're talking about majoring in it meaning you're experts you're never gonna get caught or whatever you're good at it i'd love to kill people yeah yeah i'd like to be like a dexter hitman though see that's too intimate i'd be like a sniper hitman i'd be like gross point blank no but i meant i guess he kills in every way i meant having like a code kind of like i'll murder you oh only bad people i see i thought you meant like i don't want to i don't want to chop bodies up no but i meant you know like it doesn't even have to be like bad it's like i'll kill yankee fans

i don't want to have to kill people i don't want to kill you know it's like you you could put the head out and i'll look at it and be like all right you're with the yankee i'll kill them stuff like that i have yes a code it's just my code oh you're it doesn't make sense to you that doesn't matter yeah who knows how to kill people i'm the mate i'm aged in this okay yeah you have a motorcycle i'll kill you yankee I'll kill you. You talk about the environment? I'll fucking kill you. That's what I'm like. I'm like a fucking surgeon.

In and out. Done. Dead. Goodbye. I'm like Barry. Be the funny hitman. I'd love to be Barry. That song.

I just feel like the drug smuggler, it's all you do. I don't know. I just feel like you're constantly running drugs. You think so? There's a lot of partying involved. Yeah, a lot of cocaine involved. It's a dangerous game, but I think it was in Narcos, maybe, when they're just taking the fucking little seaplane from Nicaragua to Miami, and then they fucking party in Miami

and shit like that. I think it'd be cool to figure out. Because it is. It's problem solving. I like problem solving. And it's problem solving and money and girls and exotic locations.

And that's really just all the things I'm interested in in the whole world. There you go. If I could be the master of everything I like... That sounds pretty good. I'd like it. That is a strong selling point for me.

Good question. I like that one, though. What's up, KFC? Fight Super Mario Sunshine DC. You saw something online about how you can now take tours of the Chernobyl factory, which I know you guys love the show. I'm kind of just interesting question for you. Would you take a tour of it?

It's got, I think it was 40,000 times the radiation. You've only been there for about five minutes or so before you have to leave. So I just wanted to see if you guys were crazy enough to actually go about and do this. And if someone that does this is just an absolute moron. If you get a tour of Chernobyl, you are a fucking, you're one of the people I would kill. Don't you dare tell me you would do that uh no no i don't have it i was just thinking i i don't know how real this is i think this is one of those where do you say you saw it you can definitely go i don't know if you

can go to the spot that's 40 000 times whatever the shit that i saw ronkins yeah uh i saw i saw on a movie recently i I forget what it was, but there was some kind of nuclear issue. And just on one of the things, it just said slash R. It was literally someone checking nuclear stuff. It was like slash R next to the number. And I was like, Rockets. Rockets.

I'm smart. I knew that. I felt like a goddamn fucking genius. I knew that. I know Rockets. That stands for Rockets. Ronkins. I'm smart. I knew that. I felt like a goddamn fucking genius. I knew that. I know Ronkins. That stands for Ronkins. A lot of them are bad. The funniest shit in the goddamn world was when they were like, it's only like 10 Ronkins.

Yeah. It's just because that's how high the meter went. No one ever really thought that. I mean, it is amazing. That's such a good show, man. I'm going to go back and rewatch that. It's such a great show. What I saw, you can go to like Chernobyl and you like, you, you know, it had like two ronkin.

Yeah. Not like, it's not still like you're going to get cancer. I'd still probably avoid any ronkin. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. I'm not trying to go anywhere. First of all, it sucks. It's abandoned.

Right. There's nothing there because it was radioactive. So it's not like, oh, yeah, it's radioactive, but you could do this cool, you get to do this cool shit. Right. You know, it's just like. You just see abandoned buildings. No fucking thank you.

No, no, no desire. I'm not going to go do that period, let alone to a place that might give me fucking. cool shit. You just see abandoned buildings. No fucking thank you. Not going to go do that, period, let alone to a place that might give me fucking... But at the same time, again, everything's kind of warped with our line of work, but if we just did a podcast at Chernobyl, do you think we would blow up? I think people would be like,

you gotta listen to this podcast. See what the fuck these maniacs are talking about. We're just like, yo, we're sitting in the fuck. We're sitting on the roof. The one with all the graphite on it. We're up here.

Anyway, how long could you unfurl your dick for? We can just start saying that. Live from Chernobyl. It's KFC radio. Would you fuck your mother or your father? Let's just do it in green screen yeah done i think i think they put chernobyl behind us i think you're talking me into it pretty interesting it's like again like yeah if i was an accountant who worked at deloitte i'd probably steer clear of chernobyl could i go

do some stuff beneficial to my career at chernobyl probably weren't there instagram there Instagrammers who were taking pictures in an infested lake or something like that? Yeah. No, that was not Chernobyl. They came out at similar times. Yeah. But there were, because Instagrammers were also crushing Chernobyl. Love going there a lot. But yeah, that lake that was electric blue was the most Instagram placed on earth.

And it was like, yeah, it's because it's filled with toxic waste. But they're not going in it. It's a great picture Instagram placed on earth. And it was like, yeah, it's because it's filled with toxic waste. But they're not going in it. It's a great picture. Wow, baby. How many fucking Instagram likes do you think I'm getting if I'm just... Just you. Just sitting Indian style in Chernobyl. Let's find out.

At the very least, let's do the Greens. I'll say that. If Barstool pays for it, I'll go to Chernobyl right now. I'm not paying for it. We can't even if Barstool pays for it I'll go to Chernobyl right now I'm not paying for it we can't even get Barstool to pay for going to California I don't think we're gonna go to Chernobyl

how do you even get to Chernobyl it's probably a bitch probably gotta fly into like Moscow and like take a fucking Iditarod I mean so we're going to the X'd out countries now

I didn't say shit I'm not going anywhere I'll go we We'll Skype it. Next up. Kevin, John, Brendan. My girlfriend of almost two years just tried to tell me that women aren't complicated. Are not complicated.

She's trying to tell me that women and men are equally complicated beings. This is outrageous. That's exactly what you said! Can you let me talk? Can you let me talk? What she said was, women are not complicated,

and then she tried to tell me that complicated and complex aren't the same word. She's wrong on both accounts, right? A, women are complicated. B, complicated and complicated. I had a couple of words. Complicated

and complex are the same word. Both of those things are true. I know the three of you agree with me. Thank you. Have a good one. Love this voicemail. It's a great voicemail. I'm split on this, though. I am as well. I don't want to like, I want to have Guy Coe have his back all the way. I mean, to say that women are not complicated is preposterous it is preposterous but

and right away but my response that was going to be everybody's complicated yes but women are more complicated yeah i know they are no i think i i was agreeing i think so but i mean i i am complicated but i think they're complicated I think we're both complicated in very different ways. Different ways, and I think ultimately my complications, I will be complicated for a few minutes, and then when it's becoming a thing, I'll be like, never mind, it's not a big deal. I'm all right.

Whereas women won't do that. Complicated and complex are not the same thing. No, they're not. I think you can be, I think complicated has a way worse connotation than complex i think if you're a complex person that means you're like you're deep and introspective and there's like layers to you maybe some things are annoying or fucked up but some things are more just like there's you're not basic really so i think you could be like i think complex can

be like attractive it could be sexy it could It can be interesting. It can be intelligent and all that shit. Complicated is like you're a pain in the ass. I think complex things are complicated, but in an interesting sense. Complicated means you're just a pain in my ass about everyday things. Complex means you have some depth to you as a person. Complicated, it can be very simple. You don't pick dinner at night. that's complicated it's like complex right complex could be like you know you have like philosophical thoughts about like xyz you know whatever

complex is definitely complicated as pejorative complex can be a complex i think complex i think chicks are complex in the sense that like uh here's a good example of i think a positive complex thing like you could be like in the work world you're like the boss and like when you're in the bedroom you're like a submissive slide that's complex there's layers to you there's things that are different about you but i like that whereas complicated is like you know you don't shut the fuck up about like the most annoying basic dumb shit in the world uh so i think i think she was probably in the background going i didn't say complicated i'm complex and he's probably like the fact that

you're fucking bothering me about this voicemail is proof positive that you're complicated and not complex i think so that makes sense girl i mean girls not thinking they're complicated is insane no and they are it sounded like she was trying to say that she thinks that guys are equally complicated. I think we can be. I think it's difficult. I think, I mean, fucking. I definitely think that we have our own shit and we can be annoying in our own right. I just don't think that we are as stubborn about it.

Like I said, I think I could be upset about something. You know what? I don't think I'm very complicated. Yeah. I'm trying to throw them a bone here but like i think people say other people are complicated when those other people don't do what they want them to do like yeah a guy is like a girl is gonna say oh that guy's complicated because like he won't i don't know he just like won't go to my parents house when i want him to go to my parents house and he won't you know do the dishes when i

want him to do the dishes and you think your girl's complicated because she won't leave you alone when you're watching the game. Yeah, that's true. You just want what you want. I'm not complicated. If somebody doesn't give it to you, you think they're complicated. But I think some things, though, are like a little more like not subjective. Like I think some things girls can be objectively complicated and annoying about where it's just like you're making this harder than it needs to be across the board like it's not an individual thing um the uh ansel

we were talking about yesterday oh yeah yeah this guy this is crazy and this is crazy because this is because women are complex and this shit is like so crazy he's he's the actor from uh baby driver where it was called, right? He says, he's been with his girlfriend, Violetta, I believe her name is. She's a rocket. He's been with his girlfriend since high school, but now he's decided to make it an open relationship

to find more love, but not with sex. Doesn't have to necessarily involve sex. He said, quote, it doesn't need to be sexual. I could be done sexually with my girlfriend. I think we've been pretty clear that I want to feel free to fall in love with people, and that option should be open. But sexually, it could be closed off. So this guy is telling this girl, there's a couple different ways this could go.

He's dating this girl since high school. He's famous. He's good looking. He's like, I want an open relationship. And she goes, what? No goes what no fucking way and then he goes oh don't worry i'm not gonna bang him but i just want to fall in love and she's like okay and then he's like all right i promise i'm not gonna fuck these other girls i know i think it's i think it's more ridiculous i don't think she's like i can't imagine she would say okay. I think they would – I think a girlfriend or a boyfriend would rather you – who genuinely cares about you would rather you go out and just like have sex on a Tuesday night. Like make a mistake and just like get drunk and fuck rather than have like a –

I'm in love with this other person. Yeah. I am emotionally attached and connected to this other person. But I still love you and we can have sex. But like they get all of my emotion yeah chicks would go crazy over there complicated and also hey bro but that dude is crazy for even wanting that you're crazy for wanting that but also like that's just some shit you can just do that you know that's not an open relationship you don't you can just be well but

but that just like like other people no you can't you don't if you don't your girl won't let that if you don't if you don't tell anyone well yeah i mean that's what i mean like if you do all you're fucking them and sneaking around it's just like they can just be like i like spending time with this person no you can but you can't say that again i know just fucking silently do it but how would you do it like when you're like when your girl's like where are you like come with me i don't fucking care no that's not gonna? Like when you're like, when your girl's like, where are you? Come with me. I don't fucking care. No, that's not going to work. Why? Cause you're going to ask your girl.

That's not what he wants. Like he probably doesn't want to hang out with all these other people. They just falling in love with, with his other girl. Well, right. But also if you were like, come with me and hang out with this other chick,

your girl would be like, get the fuck out. Just hang out in public with people. This just seems like hanging out with people. You like, no, but yeah, girls don't like that.

I do it all the time. Girls don't like you hanging out with anybody that you like but maybe that's i don't know i think he's trying to put it out there like i just want to hang out with these people and you're getting jealous even though i'm just hanging out not fucking anybody so maybe he's like really trying to put it all on the table like i just enjoy spending time with some of these other people yeah guys girls i think there's a lot of girls who would not like that i exclusively hang out with people i like i don't know if i fall in love with them but i i i enjoy spending time with everyone i hang out with i think there's a lot of girls pretty pretty easy thing to do

who uh who wouldn't like that which is crazy i think i think it is that's the number one thing that like crazy girls do not just like not girls, but crazy girls when it basically feels like – I know so many guys who go through this too where it's just like you have the moment where you realize that she doesn't like anything that makes me happy. When you have that epiphany where it's just like all of the stuff I do she has a problem with, that's the moment where you're like, all right, this is fucking crazy. It takes a while to get there but once people realize that we're just like these are completely harmless things that you always have a problem with and the common theme the common denominator is they all bring me joy places i want to go things i want to do people i want to see you don't like any of it yeah because

it makes me happy when you're not happy that's what if you're happy and your girl's not not gonna fly right but a girl will give you shit for like going golfing with the guys but like if you're at happy or if you're like going clubbing it's gonna be a different kind of shit because you're gonna be like you're going clubbing with a bunch of hot girls that's why golf is the ultimate fuck somebody else so if you could really genuinely convince your girl that you're just hanging out and you're absolutely not gonna have any sex and she still has a problem with it i mean i think that's impossible i don't think you can convince somebody that's just like no i i think either way i'll tell you what you know you should do i'm like a three-year campaign talking about how you fucking don't even like sex

i guess whoever the fuck i want she knows he ain't fucking the master plan he's been he's been laying this foundation for years whatever i want she's like i can barely get him to fuck me in the morning also also she there's like the ultimate tell where it's like is he like groaning when he gets out of bed is he like struggling to walk up the stairs if he is he's had sex if he isn't he's good to go so don't ever groan around your girl bro uh all right last voicemail of the day thanks to anybody who called up the hotline uh we're giving you guys the boot here presented by thursday boots if you know us you know them high quality handcrafted boots sold at honest prices over

at thursdayboots.com make sure you get yours for the fall and winter thursday boots sponsors this final voicemail of the day what's up hey first time, long time. I've got a very difficult question I've got to ask you. So I have to have surgery on my nut and it's not a big deal. It's not super invasive. It's not exactly like something I really need to super worry about but what I've discovered in having my surgery is I am not going to be allowed to come for two months, eight weeks after I have this surgery. No jerking off, no having sex, no anything, no coming

for two months. I really just not even sure if I can do that to be honest. What surgery is this? Some feedback here on what the fuck I'm supposed to do. He said it was nut surgery, but not that invasive. I kind of feel like he's going up.

I mean, this guy has to kill himself. Not being able to cum for two months would be like a literal problem. Yeah, I don't know how you do that. not being able to come for two months would be like a literal problem. Yeah. I don't, I don't know how you do that. Like, I mean, I,

I would be making, you know, bad decisions. I'd be irritable. I'd be, I just don't know. I also don't think you can, by the way,

like we, we proved this with Bob Fox, like it's just going to come eventually. So, uh, like that, that would be the worst of all. Let's say you like go,

but you might have to do it by the rules, and then all of a sudden, you're like, I have not jerked off in months, Doc, but I just blasted off last night in the middle of the night. I think the doctors might be smart people, and I think they might give him medicine for this. Yeah, just keep it. I have a buddy who's uncircumcised,

and in high school, because we made fun of him so much, he considered being in high school with an uncircumcised. And in high school, because we made fun of him so much, he considered being in high school with an uncircumcised penis. Whatever pain you experience from the surgery, it pales in comparison to the emotional scars that you'll get. But he never got it because obviously if you get circumcised, you have to have stitches in your dick, I guess.

And you can't get hard because they rip. So I believe they were going to give him estrogen pills for the time so he can't get hard because they rip so they were getting I believe they were gonna give him estrogen pills for the time so he couldn't get hard because like you like you just get a fucking boner in your sleep stitches um

but like that worried him like coming off estrogen worried him so he never ended up getting surgery but I feel like this kid's gonna get those pills so maybe I mean yeah listen probably ask your doctor about those. If there's a medicine that, like, subdues your fucking libido and keeps your dicks off so you don't cum, like, I guess it would be doable.

But, boy, oh, boy. If it's not, if it's just, like, your own willpower here... I'd just do it. I would just do it. It's not... It's not like I would... Just do it. I wouldn't actively be like,

all right, I I'm gonna jerk off like fuck I guess what I'm saying is the exact opposite of what would be happening that's what I would do I'd be like look I just there are so many things I do that I know are bad for me but I just need to do them to get through the day

I would try I would hold out as long as I could and within 48 hours I'd probably jerk off I'd just be like look, this might complicate surgeries. I might need another surgery. It doesn't matter. I think I would just. You just told the doctor that.

You were like, listen, I'm going to call you in two days and I'm going to ask you, what do I do now that I've jerked off? I would tell him pre-surgery. I'd be like, just so you know, I'm not going two months without jerking off. I think I would just have surgery every month. Be like, I jerked off again. Let's do another surgery. Yeah, for the rest of my life.

It's just something I do. Be like, you fixed my nut doctor, but I blew it back open that night on Pornhub. Do it again. On the 6th of every month, just scheduled surgery we have. But I mean, that's, but honestly, it's more not like monthly. It'd be like, I have to get a surgery every week. Because I'm going to jerk off within a matter of days. Not weeks.

I don't know what, but it's like, maybe the complications aren't that bad. Or, I don't know. What do you mean I'm not to jerk off within a matter of days. Not weeks. I don't know what... But it's like... Maybe the complications aren't that bad. Or I don't know. What do you mean I'm not allowed to cum? What's going to happen? What's going to happen? I mean, I'd rather not live a life. I'd rather be dead if I can't cum.

Again, not even just because I like cumming. It's like it's bad for you when you don't cum. I would not want to live with this brain not cumming. I don't even know if it's that with me it's really like just because i i don't i've never gone long enough to see what happens to my brain so i'm not even scared of that yeah i just it's just routine it's just what happens it's just my how my day-to-day life lives like all right today you can't breathe oxygen yeah i was gonna say well i've been doing it every day for 20 years what am i gonna do you're gonna get this surgery

and you can't sleep like i'm gonna fall fall asleep eventually. So we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And it'll probably be really quickly. This bridge, we'll cross it like 4 p.m. today. Sorry, Doc. Call him in the cab on the way home. All right. Fucked up. If a doctor's smart, they'd be like, all right, so take two of these.

Take one of those. Call me when you jerk off. All right. Wrapping up the voicemails here. We're going to end things today with our interview with cal penn the man he is the man uh you know him from van wilder and uh house and harold and kumar he's got a new show out on nbc called sunny side very smart dude worked for obama but very funny and i i wasn't sure if we were going to get the political guy or the

funny guy, and what I learned in this interview is that there's just one funny guy who just happens to know a little bit about politics. So, real funny dude, very down to earth, some alien talk in there, so very interesting stuff for a guy who fits in very well here with the show. Cal Penn interview is brought to you by Brooklinen. Get the

most comfortable, freshest linens. I almost, I call mine my linens, you know? Like, that's how nice those sheets are. I don't call them my sheets, comfortable, freshest linens. I call mine my linens. That's how nice those sheets are. I don't call them my sheets. I call them my linens. I know for a fact, today is sheet changing day. I know when I get home.

Did you come on those sheets? I put it on. Why is it sheet changing? I don't really. It's been a week or a half or so. It's been a month. No, no. Honestly, once I started doing it, you feel it so fast. I change sheets all the time now.

When I first moved to New York, I had one pair of sheets for like ever. I have like six pairs of sheets now. I'm changing all the time. When the Brooklinens are up in the rotation. I know it's Brooklinens. My white ones are like flat and smooth. And you know I love my duvet. I got the cooling pillow with the Brooklyn in pillowcase.

That's the most comfortable combo in the world. Cool pillow with that soft case. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've stepped up my sheet game. My pillow still needs work. I got the Brooklyn in sheet gravity blanket on top. That's a combo.

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Go to brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code KFC. Get 10% off and free shipping for your sheets. Cal Penn, talk to them. It's KFC Radio. It's featuring Cal Penn Modi, right? Yeah. Full name, right?

That's my full legal name. We're going legal name. I read somewhere you like to use your real name versus your stage name, your professional name, or is that just a fake article I read on Wikipedia? I use both. That's a fake article. I like both. And I like both.

So it's sort of like Joseph becomes Joe or like Anthony becomes Tony. So my name's Kelpen, but people always called me Kel. Okay. So it's not like you really – it wasn't that big of a change. No, no. I just – I've read some – there's some wiki articles that are like he was really angry or he was like – That's what I read, bro.

He was very angry. That's why I was like, should I go out with my real name? My college buddies are notorious for changing things on my Wikipedia. So apparently you can lock your wiki if you want and have somebody manage it. Interesting. But I think that's kind of lame. Yeah, let it fly. Yeah, and so every so often a journalist will ask a question that's an inside joke from like

the dorms in college. Like, hey, I heard you were part of a secret society and blah, blah, blah. I was like, I know exactly who put this in there. I'll call them up after. I was like, dude, you won. Just so you know, a magazine just asked me about this joke from when we were drunk at 19. That is great.

Because I did read something that said like you were a little, you were kind of like pissed off about it. And then even just the way you walked in this room, I was like, that doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would be mad about that. When I was going through like what I should have as my stage name, it was like a 3 a.m. college conversation. The ideas that were thrown out, just to give you an idea like who my college friends are. Just so you know, Whoopi Goldberg's name is not Whoopi Goldberg. That's obvious, right? I was like, oh, yeah, I guess that is obvious. She does not look like what you think a Whoopi Goldberg's name is not Whoopi Goldberg. That's obvious, right? I was like, oh, yeah, I guess that is obvious.

She does not look like what you think a Whoopi Goldberg would look like. I think her name is Karen Johnson. Chevy Chase, his real name is Cornelius. So how about your name is Cal Pacino? I'm like, boo, boo, this is not okay. That's also not that funny. And then it just deteriorated from there. But that was like, you know.

Cal Penn works. Yeah, it was good. It's catchy. Yeah. funny and then it just deteriorated from there but that was like you know so well cowpen works yeah um i i do imagine though that uh i mean you've done such a wide array of work yeah that i'd imagine people think they're getting one thing or the other often right yeah yeah even just in like two minutes now i feel like you're kind of both yeah like which is makes sense but i can imagine people think like well how did the stoner movie guy become the White House guy or vice versa? Yeah, sure. So I guess, though, you've got to skew a little more one way or the other. Who do you think you are more, the White House version of you or Kumar version of you? I'm definitely more of the – I gravitate towards comedy.

My first love is storytelling through acting and filmmaking. I loved – I took a two and a half year sabbatical and worked in public service and loved it. But there's something about a good dick joke that's very unifying. Very unifying. It brings people together. It does. But I think that's what's awesome about

I think the older school folks, there was a time where you would have to pick what you wanted to do with your life. Where you either were like, okay, I'm going to be serious and that's it. Yep. And the only time I can make jokes is on a weekend, like Saturday, maybe part of Sunday. You're wearing shorts on the course.

Yeah, right. There's no one within 600 yards here. Yeah. And I think if you're of the generation that was like 90s and after you were raised in a world where you knew that things are not mutually exclusive. Like the idea that – I mean we did this with the Harold and Kumar movies. The idea that you can be a guy who smokes a joint and then reads The Economist is like

kind of the world we live in. And so I like that you – It's called being normal. Yeah, I know. I know. It's like you can be layered and not have to pick one or the other, which is – And I really feel like the world of politics and some of the more uptight sectors of the world could use a little bit of that.

You know what I mean? Oh, I agree. Making people normal, maybe laughing up a little bit. So the new show is Sunnyside. Yes. In which you are trying to help immigrants come to America, right? Sort of. Yeah, that's the runner.

That's like the – you need a reason for everybody to get in the room together. Right, right. So the idea for the show is about five years old. Five years ago I was on a show called We Are Men with Jerry O'Connell and Tony Shalhoub. We just had Jerry in here a minute ago. He's awesome, isn't he? Yeah. Did you have fun with him?

Yeah. The Emmy for Tony was – I feel like it kind of came out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was – I did not – that was a heavy, heavy category. Yeah, Jerry was in here. He was promoting his new talk show. He's a clown. He is. He's awesome. He was promoting his new talk show. He's a clown.

He is. Still a very good friend of mine. So like five years ago, we shot nine episodes of the show called We Are Men about four guys who were newly single, divorced or widowed or whatever. And it lasted – they aired three episodes and then called it off. It was a tough time slot. We were on after How I Met Your Mother. So the ratings had to meet a certain benchmark. Right.

And when that ended, I was kind of like, like well that sucks because it was a really fun show with really good guys and my manager and producing partner said what's your dream now like if you could create your own show instead of being in somebody else's what would it look like i was like well look you know my first love is making people laugh and i like kind of uplifting or at least comedies that make you feel like you know the characters right and in some ways like even patriotic comedies not political but patriotic ones that make you go like yeah we live in an amazing place like yeah this is great right and i was thinking about way back in the day head of the class or um or perfect strangers like i don't know that either of those would hold up

today but then i get that with donkey bar tacamos today but fresh prince right like i know nobody who lives in a mansion in bel-air and yet you watch that show for a half hour a week, and you felt like you were part of that family. Definitely. I'm like, what's the more adult version of that where it's a little more edgy? And I thought, okay, the teaching thing is cool because you can have a group of students around you and go in any direction. I live here in New York, so selfishly I wanted it to be a New York story. Also, New York stories are automatically patriotic because our city looks like the rest of the country. If you took everyone

from the country and put them in the city, it looks like that. So this idea for I wanted to play somebody who needed redemption. If you're automatically playing a good guy, there's not very much for you to do. There's nowhere to go. So he had to be really down in the dumps and doing something good.

We thought, alright, well, originally he was going to teach... Remember those... What are they called? Those pamphlets people would hand out for like... What is it? Those classes? You would sign up for classes, but they're not real classes. Like, take a chocolate tasting class. Or like, if you don't know

how to change your attire, you can meet for three Wednesdays a month. They have those now for millennials because we don't know how to do anything. So it's for you guys. The idea was maybe it should be that. And then we thought, no, well, it would be cool if there was something with a start and finish, not just like a two or three week class. So we gravitated towards the idea of a civics class or what turned out now to be a citizenship

class. So I play this guy who gets fired from being a city councilman. He was the youngest ever elected New York City councilman. 15 years he served and did nothing. He had a heart of gold when he started. Very quickly he was like, wait, as a councilman, I can get free Knicks tickets? I'm like, well, sir, that's not allowed.

I'm like, yeah, I don't care, but I can get free Knicks tickets. That's the guy I'd be. So he parties his 15 years away, and then this video emerges of him on the BQE here in New York City Highway, walking drunk, and tries to bribe a cop. And that was actually based on – I'm blanking on the name of this hockey player. But in the 90s, there was a hockey player who got pulled over for a DUI and he started telling the cop, hey, man, do you know who I am?

The cop was like, yeah, I know who you are, but you're clearly wasted. I have to take you in. It doesn't matter. And he goes, I'll give you $10,000 if you let me go. He's like, sir, that's very illegal. You really can't do that. All right, fine, fine. I'll give you $100,000. Give you a million dollars.

Finally, he goes, I will give you $1 billion. That's how drunk he was. And so my co-creator, Matt Murray, who's been on The Good Place and Brooklyn Nine-Nine and a bunch of these shows, was like, that's our opening scene right there. Like that's our in. We want to recreate that and elevate it even more.

And by the way, this guy in real life, like my character, doesn't get – he doesn't spend any time in jail because he clearly doesn't have a billion dollars. So it wasn't a real bribe. I know, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the setup. And then he realizes he has no other job skills, posts an ad on like a Craigslist-type website saying for $50 an hour, I'll do whatever you want. People basically hire him to recreate his arrest video for their own Facebook or Instagrams. He does a bunch of degrading shit.

And then finally this group of six immigrants who are going through the citizenship application process hire him and say, look, we're an elected city councilman. You obviously know how to become a citizen. Help us navigate the process, not knowing that he knows even less about that than they do. So that's our in, but episode two is about my character thinking that one of my students is a hitman and being super excited about it.

The runner that sets up the pilot is the executive director. I was going to say, even just having the extended description, it's like, oh, okay. You have to ground it in these characters. Right, right, right. Do you think it's weird? I saw the New York Times article on. Do you think it's weird where you have to be like, you have to go out and say it's not a political piece.

And it's like, at its core, as you just said, even just reading the description, the short one, it's just a guy being a good person, really, without all the other stuff. But it's a guy helping people through a citizenship process. Do you think it's weird to have to be like, no, this isn't political. It's just the person being nice. Yeah, I get why I have to answer that because we live in a really polarizing climate. A, the show's inception was five years ago when it

wasn't quite so polarized. But also, immigration goes back to literally the first part. It's the first part. For me, in order for this show to do well it has to replicate the thing i love about sports the same thing i love about music and food which is what i love about comedy that it can bring people together so your crazy ass uncle at thanksgiving dinner who you scream and shout at about politics i want you to be able to watch

this show with him because this is not a show about politics right right you're not gonna get into it yeah yeah with the harold and kam, we experienced that, where when that first movie especially came out, 2004, 2005, and people were like, we don't know. It's two Asian-American guys in a stoner comedy. And we all sort of thought we were younger than the executives, and we kind of thought, well, for us, it's just a movie about two guys going on a journey, which I think is relatable. And we were right, thankfully, because of the fans. And I remember the second movie came out, and it's a satire about Guantanamo Bay. And that's also not political. It's just a satire. And we worked really hard to make sure that it was a satire and wasn't political. And journalists would ask the same thing. Well, but it's about

Guantanamo. It must be political. I ran into somebody who worked for the Bush administration right after the movie came out randomly. And he goes, hey, man, you're the guy from that Guantanamo movie. And I was like, oh, shit. Okay, here we go. This is the moment of truth. And I didn't want to prompt him. And he goes, that shit is hilarious.

I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, everyone at the White House thinks it's funny. And I was so shocked. He goes, I can tell from your face that we're not supposed to think it's funny. I'm like, no, dude, you just proved me right. We went to such great lengths because to me, making people laugh is greater than anything polarizing. All of which is to say, that's my litmus for this show

too, which is I just want people to be able to laugh. I was going to ask you, when you die, what do you want Cal Penn... On the tombstone, would you want it to be like Harold and Kumar, White House, Sunnyside,

House, Van Wilder, Taj Mahal. There are so many things. I think it seems like you want it to say, like, make people laugh. The biggest deflection I can give you is that most Hindus get cremated, so I won't have a talk. You motherfucker. No, I would say, yeah, man. I think even more than making people laugh, something about bringing people together through laughter. Because I just love it and I love the magic of that.

I saw an Elton John show this summer. And Elton John has been like – he's been doing this since way before we were born. And he looked out into this crowd and it was people, obviously like 70, 80-year-olds. And it went down to like little kids. I'm like these guys are – they all know these songs. They're enjoying it nobody cares what book you read or who you voted for or any of that in this concert hall they just care about this music which is not to say that i we all have our own strong political feelings obviously we should that's a good thing but what i love about the

art form of comedy this is way too long to put on a tombstone i'm already realizing so fine let's go with what you said one time i was at an elton john you said no this is the problem yeah okay so yeah yeah made people laugh or or even more so i like self-deprecating humor so tried really hard and failed at making anybody laugh i mean i don't know if you can say failed because uh you tried really hard you've done you've done quite a good job uh well before we started the interview we were talking about how you like space yeah uh last week it was a headline that we were going crazy over yeah and the rest of the world seemed to not even fucking care do you see the ufo thing yeah yeah okay did you know this shit by four hours by the way yeah you

probably did it happen like white house no white house stuff it's funny i don't see director of public engagement yeah i know what you're doing in the bunkers down there looking at fucking aliens i get i will say if i did have one question, I would ask about Area 51. Just because I kind of want to know. I mean, like, I know they didn't confirm life, but the headline, U.S. Navy confirms UFOs are real. Yeah. And everyone was like, did you hear Aaron Carter is mad at his brother?

We were sitting here literally screaming on the radio like, is anyone listening to this? That was crazy. So I asked – this is definitely a humble brag about somebody else I know. So a buddy of mine, Bobik Ferdowsi, works at JPL in Pasadena, and his old job was literally to drive the Mars rover. I did a show with him. I hosted a show for Discovery Channel a few years ago, and we became friends. And he's like my go-to guy to text about any of this.

So there was another – I think before this confirmation, there was another article like eight months ago that was very similar. And I said, what's the deal with this? Like am I allowed to be excited? And he said, well, everybody forgets that UFO just stands for unidentified flying object. It doesn't mean intelligent life. But the rest of that article went on to say it was like they're using forms of propulsion that we've never seen before and technology that's like not of this earth. So it wasn't

just like we don't know what plane that is. It's like we don't know what the fuck that is. And it excites me. I think it's even more exciting is like the idea that do you know what tardigrades are? No, tell me though, bro. I wish we could look at us.

You didn't think we knew what that meant. I didn't know until I watched it. There's a movement on the wall. That's it. We don't know what the rest of it is. What was the show that Neil deGrasse Tyson hosted on Netflix? Oh, it was Cosmos. It was the new Cosmos.

So he starts out – I watched it with two friends who happened to be super stoned, and I was sober, full disclosure. I had to work the next morning, but I'm a space nerd. So we watched it together, and my jaw dropped. It looks like a huge, basically like a bunch of elephants without trunks put together with a mouth and a bunch of legs. And they're microscopic, and they can live anywhere. So they can live in outer space. They can live under the most extreme conditions. So apparently, you know, people that launch spaceships go to great lengths to try to make sure that they're like, we don't contaminate places that, uh, that this life form could, could land in like, and be, but that kind of stuff fascinates me even more. By the way,

the point of telling you that my friends were high was that we all looked at this, like it was, they couldn't be real. And it was the craziest thing ever. And they looked at me knowing that I wasn't high. And I'm like, I promise you guys, I know you're high as shit right now, but I am not. And I'm just as – I'm feeling the same thing. Yeah, I can tell the same feeling. I have that too. But things like that about like the – or something called the Drake equation, which is the mathematical probability that there is life in the universe and how to calculate it.

And like there's probably life out there. You're goddamn right. The idea of whether it's intelligent enough to be here is like a huge question mark. But I'm also a cynic of like big, you know, any for-profit media company. I happen to work for a lot of them, so I'm not trying to shit on them.

But, you know, they make their money through clicks and ad space. So not even defining or reminding people that a UFO means it's just an unidentified object could be something else. It's like, okay, I want people to click on it. What did you think of the Bob Lazar stuff? What was the Bob Lazar stuff?

The Netflix special that he did. It was called – I think it was called UFOs. This guy claims that he was giving out secrets like I worked with aliens like under the Arctic with a fucking element that's not of Earth. And then like thebi came after him and shit is he is it real or i think some of it has been debunked so it leads you to believe like maybe none of it's true but like some things people are saying are very like interesting to say the least and like the fbi like is coming after him he's like on the run now or some shit really it's kind of like some like julian ass shit. Watch it. But again, I think people with space stuff, with these true crime docs, it's always an entertainment angle.

Yeah, yeah. And people think it's gospel. Yes. Well, they didn't tell you about this part or that part or the other part. Yeah. It's all important to remember all that. But yeah, so Sunnyside's coming out. Van Wilder was an old school one.

And I think people, that's another cult. I mean, you got two cult classics to your name. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we had a great time making them. Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder was like, that was my first real movie. And I was super nervous. I was also playing a guy named Taj Mahal, which you couldn't do anymore today.

Which was absurd. I love it, though. I mean, I know it's problematic, but it was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time. And when we started that movie, because of a combination of like, I can't believe this is the, I didn't go to fucking film school to play a guy named Taj Mahal. And I was like, that was on my mind.

But then also the script was so funny that I was nervous about that. So in the audition, Ryan was awesome and he encouraged us to improvise what ended up being Taj's opening scene in the movie. So we improvised a little through the audition. I ended up getting the part. We improvised it when we shot it, which is the majority of my character's stuff, thanks to Ryan. And I just remember thinking, wow, like having a bigger part is so much cooler because you can do so much more with the comedy that's not even scripted. And then that same first day of the shoot, we shot – there's a scene where my character tries to have sex with this woman that he's dating. She's way into him.

He screws it up like the massage oil that he's trying to use on her ignites. He slides off of her. So my back catches on fire and i remember reading the script going that's so cool i wonder how they're going to do that and then i get a call saying hey you have your prosthetic back fitting next week this is before we shot a single frame of the movie i'm like oh well that's weird surely they're not i'm like i'm not a stunt guy they're not going to light me on fire right show up to this warehouse in la and they they like lather you up with paper mache and then do a silicone fake back that's like thinner than your notepad that you have right there by a lot, like way thinner than that notepad.

Color it light brown. And then I show up on the day. The entire crew is in basically hazmat outfits and I'm in boxers. Like I go into my trailer. There's literally one pair of boxers two socks and a thin robe and I'm like all right I guess we're gonna do this now Ivanka uh Ivana Bazilovich who plays the woman she's naked in it yeah so I'm feeling like I have almost nothing on then I look at her and each take they light that prosthetic back on fire take how many times you do it all day

holy and they stop it 30 seconds in no matter what the take looks like they stop it they like douse the fire and then shoot ice cold water in between my real back and the prosthetic back. Oh, that's worse than the fire. The silicone, right? So I'm done with this. And at the end of the day, I'm thinking to myself, why is this the first day? It's a sex scene. It's a stunt.

None of us know each other. Like wouldn't this have been easier to do at the end of the movie? Like especially for the chemistry of the scene with the curl and everything. I pull aside one of the producers. I was like, what's the deal? Why did we do this the first day? He goes, you really want to know? It end of the movie, like, especially for the chemistry of the scene with the girl and everything. I pull aside one of the producers. I was like, what's the deal? Why did we, why did we do this the first day?

He goes, you really want to know it's your first movie. It's going to be harsh. I was like, yeah, why? It was because, you know,

if I lose an actor, I'm going to have to reshoot the whole movie. I'd rather just, yeah. And I'm like, wow. Yeah. Like,

okay. Good to know. If we burn this guy alive yeah at least we gotta get a new one and it was actually i was so happy he you know told me the truth i was like this is good to know i feel like uh i feel like they don't they definitely don't teach you that in film school yeah but no that was a blast man it was now like uh you know if that if that scene was for ryan reynolds he ain't put on that back though right uh he didn't have to right but i'm saying if it was yeah oh if they asked me to do that now i wouldn't be fucking right even in fact the the first harold and kumar um i you know for like six

months before i was like working out and i had a trainer it's like every cliche that you think of an actor and then this and because i had a i trim my pubes and i'm naked and you see my ass it's a whole thing the second movie there's a bottomless party and you you see our asses yeah and we were like yeah let's let's ask for stunt doubles let's ask for body doubles can we do that now i feel like we can do that now so cho and i were like hey we're gonna just can you guys hire doubles and we're shooting in the middle of louisiana so there aren't a whole lot of people that look like us so we show up to work the day the guy who is playing the kumar butt double is the darkest dude i have seen for miles really nice indian guy but like that ass is so much darker than my real ass. And I kind of thought for a second, should I just do it? I was like, no, this is actually funnier

than if I did it myself. So yeah, I don't know that Ryan would let us back up. I want to go back and watch that specific scene and see how dark that ass is. It's pretty funny. So I mean, what was the list we were talking about before? You've worked with Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, you've worked with three people who I think are just

extraordinarily cool, awesome people. Reynolds, Olivia Wilde, Barack Obama. Who's the most important person for America? Come on! I'm serious! Answer the question, Penn! Okay, what are the three options? Olivia Wilde, Ryan Reynolds, Barack Obama.

Olivia Wilde is clearly... Alright, that's a good answer. They were all awesome. It's funny because you kind of think like in the case of the former president, it was even – I had the chance to volunteer for his campaign early on, like early 2007 when there were I think 12 Republicans and 12 Democrats in the primary. It was before the Iowa caucuses, and nobody could pronounce his name. They're like, yeah, there's that black dude with big ears and a funny name, right? And like, well, Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, we know who they are. So his campaign, I didn't know anything about politics. His campaign was pretty small. It was only a couple hundred people. And so you really got to

know like him and his senior staff and his family. And then it's kind of surreal. When I had the chance to work at the White House, there was a guy I met who had worked for President Bush. And he said, when you think of President Bush, do you think of like, oh my God, that's the president of the United States? Or do you think like, yeah, that's the guy I work for? I was like, oh no, I think like, oh my God, that's the president of the United States. Like that's the guy who threw out that amazing first pitch after 9-11. And what about Obama? When you see Obama, what do you think? I'm like, I think I can't believe we're here. I think like I work for guy who i talked to in iowa and now we're here he goes yeah that's the difference when you work for somebody early enough it's like the perception of now you're running the country and the shit

got really really serious right um that arc i think not to be super cheesy but we live in a democracy where like that's that's so unique to us like here's a guy who worked for president bush start to finish and feels that way about his experience and looks at Obama and says, I can't believe that's the president. Oh, my God. My experience was exactly like his was for my candidate. It's like so many countries are dictatorships or there's like shadiness going on. It's still at the core. There's that.

But now let's move on to Olivia Wilde. So she is – what was the movie she just directed? Booksmart. Amazing. Like she's gone from being an actor to – and she's, by was the movie she just directed? Booksmart. Amazing. Yeah. Like, she's gone from being an actor to, and she's, by the way, really funny. I always cite her line about her and Sudeikis. She was asked how Sudeikis lost so much weight.

And she said, it doesn't work out, we just fuck like Kenyans. I was like, that's the funniest thing I've heard. She just dropped out on Kimmel or something, too. I don't think Kenyans is a line. I didn't even know Kenyans had sex with people. It just sounded funny. She's very, very funny. It's a power couple. Where was this?

This was years ago. I was walking in the village, kind of hungover, and looking for food and ran into them. And we all eat together. And I'm like, why am I even eating with any other humans? I'm so hungover. And they spent the whole brunch just making fun of how hungover I was. I was like, I would rather be sober and catch up with you guys later another time. They're awesome, man.

They're so great. And who was the third, Ryan? It was Ryan. Yeah, Ryan's awesome. It was just who the coolest one is. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively versus Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde in a cage match. No holds barred who wins. A fighting cage match? I was thinking a comedy cage match.

No fight. No fight. I mean, Ryan's going to dominate anybody. Yeah. I feel like Olivia Wilde and Sudeikis are going to have chemistry. They're going to be like Mexican wrestlers flying around the place and throwing off each other and shit. I wouldn't count them out. People who diffuse situations with jokes instead of having to yell and scream, like me.

I feel like you might get a little bit of that, depending. Before we let you go, I want to ask you one more thing. We have free Chick-fil-A in the office today. Do you need some? Because we just saw this morning that you don't have any money. You did public service for so long, and then you got Harold and Kumar. I think you said you made enough money on Harold and Kumar to live for five months. For five months?

Oh, you read that? You did your research. Yeah. I'm not a huge Chick-fil-A fan. But I did, but I, we ate, I ate Burger King yesterday. Oh, you really are poor. Look, I grew up in

New Jersey, middle class family. That doesn't go away. The Harold and Kumar thing, another thing they don't teach you in film school is like when you, your first couple of movies, you don't get paid a ton of money. I think our initial gross salary for that movie was $75,000. And I was waiting tables and working out jobs at the time. So I took the four or five months off to shoot the movie.

And then out of that money, you keep roughly half, maybe a little less than half after you pay like your taxes, your agent, your manager. They all get a commission. By the way, nobody should – like I hope it doesn't sound like I'm whining because it was more of an eye-opening thing. Nobody should feel bad for this. And they don't, I know. I feel a little bad. I feel bad for actors because you get the –

people think you have that – it's like he made $30 million for this movie. Well, first cut it in half. You made a lot of money. I would take $15 million. But no, and then you're left with basically after you pay your rent for those months that you were gone, you still owe rent on your apartment. It's a couple thousand bucks that are left over and you kind of think, oh, well, that's crazy. What am I supposed to do? Because it's not like you're getting work after that, right?

And I didn't feel slighted by anybody. That's a contract I signed. I read the contract. I knew what was up the crazy thing was then trying to figure out how to pay rent for the subsequent months because starbucks wouldn't hire me because they're like oh you're in that new movie you're going to be really distracting to customers they're going to want what if somebody wants a picture that means you're not making as much coffee wow we're not getting as much turnover out of you yeah but fuck off starbucks you have any more people going to come to that place no because it was still the movie just came out

not like i mean not at the time, right? So that was the crazy thing where I'm like, whoa, that's insane. So now you can't make money on the show, on the movie that you basically didn't make that much money on. At the time, yeah. Now the trade-off, obviously. Of course. It launched our careers, and we're so thankful for that. Once it becomes a cult classic and DVDs and downloads, like, no money for that?

No, you don't get a percentage of that because you signed an option contract at the time. Now, if we did a fourth one, I would make sure that we're getting our fair share. That's when you get that equity. Awesome stuff, man. Really appreciate you coming through. Sunnyside is the new show, Thursday nights. Yeah, Thursday nights, 9.30.

Awesome. Thanks so much. Thank you. I appreciate it.