KFC Radio - Simpin' Ain't Easy ft Ryan Long

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

Subscribe, rate, share, and leave a review! -Our Girl Jackie Graduated College -KFC had an awkward run in with a homeless man -Feits also has a homeless man story that may make him King of the Simps -Feits has a Question and a Situation -KFC reads a man's drunk texts that end with one of the most romantic lines ever -MARE OF EASTTOWN SPOILERS (FROM 46:20 - 1:01:09) -Top 5 Jersey of All Time -Voicemails include Would you rather cure a disease or relive something at will, and the weirdest rules we follow (1:38:53) Ryan Long returns to the show, this time in person! We talk about regretting tattoos, hanging out with hype men vs sad boys, how stand up feeds into his sketch comedy, moving to America mid-pandemic, and much more. Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @RyanLongComedy @Jnics415 @Nickhammy5 @Joshua__dmYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to introduce to you the greatest show of all time. Holy shit, man, you are pathetic. You know what's crazy? I don't think you've changed much. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Is it the fall yet? I'm done with the hot weather.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was just spitting on myself to start the episode. Not a good omen. Not a good omen at all. I mean, 90 degrees right away? It's... I can't.

I literally cannot do it. You know what this dumb bitch is doing? It was too hot to be inside. You know what she's doing right now? Jackie, tell them what you're doing right now. Look at her. Look at baby's first fucking go get her microphone. She knows to actually talk into the microphone now.

I graduated. That's right, by the way. Officially a graduate. So now the graduates outweigh the dropouts. Wait, have you graduated? No, I dropped out twice. Yeah! Back even!

Josh is officially on the team, so now we're even again. Motherfucker dropped out twice. You guys might be ahead. Okay, I got two on me, too. He's got, like, seven on him. So if we're going to count, we'll drop out. Mine's a balance between dropouts and requests not to come back. So, all right, Josh actually evens the scales again.

We're going to have an intern come in for the summer. And so you guys need to, like, push him to drop out. Him or her to drop back. Alright, Josh actually evens the scales again. We're going to have an intern come in for the summer and so you guys need to push him to drop out him or her to drop out and we're going to be like, study! Study! Read your book! I feel like I'm totally outnumbered here. I guess it's just me and you. That's it. We got BC. Did Zach graduate? Yeah.

So it's an even match. So this intern is going to tip the scales. This kid's not going to know what hit him or her. I feel like the fact that I pulled off graduating, we deserve this intern's going to tip the scales. This kid's not going to know what hit him or her. We're going to be like, what the fuck? The fact that I pulled off graduating, we deserve like three for that. Because I came so close to not. I mean, it was down to like the final 10 minutes.

She didn't know if she was going to get graduated. I walked the stage and I didn't know for sure. You like opened the thing to see if there was a diploma in it? Imagine that if it was like, try again. Like it was just a bill for next semester. I was afraid that they were going to, as I called my name, they were going to tell me. I didn't tell my parents before, and they were just going to be like. You know they were going to announce it to everyone?

Yeah. And Jacqueline didn't graduate, so sit back down. Anyways, what I'm doing is I got hot water. She's just holding a cup of hot water to keep her... Because it's freezing in here. I said I might not sweat today. I'm pretty comfortable, but if I get going, we'll see. Which, if you sweat, it proves that you're the issue.

No. Yes. How many other people are fucking making up a fire here to stay warm like you are with your hot water? Nobody's as smart as me for getting hot water. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Nobody's as smart as Jackie. Well, I also am drinking it to warm myself up. That's even weirder. It's just hot water.

Jackie, we have like sweatshirts and stuff. I know, but you can't I put all of them on. A more traditional way to stay warm is a sweatshirt. First of all, first of all, first of all, we don't have any more sweatshirts in there because you threw them all out. I did no such thing.

Do you remember Oh, I mean, I threw out all the garbage sweatshirts, sure. They're all fights as lines. You should apologize to him. That is not true. But yeah, anyway, so we don't have anything here, so I have to resort, again, as we saw today. anything here, so I have to resort again. As we saw

today, wait, I also, yeah, as we saw today, Shut up, Jackie. Another one of her, did you see her latest tweet? That her and Lil Uzi are going to get together, and their celebrity couple name is going to be Jacuzzi. No, I didn't say that we were going to get together, I just said that. If you did, Jackie plus Lil Uzi be Jacuzzi.

I like it. What was the madness you were telling me earlier? That was a Jackiezi. I like it. What was the madness you were telling me earlier? That was a Jackie thought when I filmed you. What was that? Oh, well, that's actually top secret because I actually think I have something there. It was a genius show idea. Up there with the popcorn funnel. Well, the popcorn funnel is in the works.

Oh, yeah, and about barcodes and all sorts of shit. No, don't tell the people. We mentioned barcodes. It's out now. People will don't tell the people! We mentioned barcodes. It's out now. Is she going to sell things? Dude, I can't. I was out outside. Jackie's opening a store and we just ruined it for her.

I was outside with the kids. I can't do it. 90 degrees. The problem is we go from we don't have fall and spring anymore like it was kind of cool not too long ago and then bam 90 I can't do that I need to ease into this shit I can't I can't do it at all I can't even ease into it it doesn't matter it's too hot once you are

not really like hanging out at the beach once you're alright when you're like a little kid and you feel like you don't feel cold and you don't feel hot fine whatever there's no school you're playing you're happy then you're like an adult but you're still like an idiot and partying you go to the beach you hang out by the pool you're drinking all the time and then it's good once you're done with all that it's just ragingly uncomfortable it's the same as always it's not like there's

no school you just have to keep going to work and it's just you're just a sweaty uncomfortable mess the whole time i know people who listen to this show Living in San Diego Are just yelling into the Move Right now 72 and fucking sunny Every day

Yeah No humidity There's no humidity Shut up San Diego Let us just fucking bitch I just need something Catastrophically bad To happen to San Diego

So they have mudslides Or something They need that something I don't think they get anything Yeah It's just a spot. Don't have a football team, though. Fucking losers.

Yeah. Do they have homeless people? Probably do now. Everybody's got homeless people now. It's not that bad. I live in San Diego. Yeah, well, I mean, but like recently, though, you know, like you see Crocodile Dundee leaving a note for the homeless people outside his house. Unbelievable.

You know, like, I don't know his real name. Peter Johnson, let's call him. He's, you know, Crocodile Dundee, and he lives in one of these spots where in L.A. or California where it's like really bad homeless, where they're like setting up shanty towns, and they just like moved in with tents, and they just run shit, and he left a note for the homeless. And I was kind of joking on Twitter, like being like, you know, what could that note say? Like, dear homeless, get a home. Stop being so homeless.

You know, and his and his note was, this is my house, not yours. I was like, not far off from what we were joking about. So. So, yeah, just leave it. He just stuck a note on, like, the wall near the shantytown. Be like, this is my house, not yours. I want to people were saying he should have should have done the crocodile Dundee voice. That's not a being like this is my house not yours i want to people were saying he should have should have done the crocodile dundee boys that's not a house this is a house

paul hogan just screaming at the homeless of la what what a guy oh so my homeless story um we're going to talk about mary viewstown a little bit uh we also got ryan long on the show for a very funny interview back in person we are fully back cooking now on KC Radio with guests but yesterday I came in to watch the on Sunday I came in to watch the Knicks and I was like I gotta go get a sandwich beforehand and before I went into the

deli I was sending a tweet to promote the live stream and I needed to confirm a very depressing fact that yesterday Sunday was the first ever Knicks playoff game during the electric chair era. And I was like, that can't possibly be true. So I was like calling Clem and being like, last time we started, me and Clem did the first electric chair. And that was the Mets in 2016.

And I was like, yeah, I mean, the Knicks have not been in it since then. So the point being, I was outside for a while texting tweeting and calling and there was this homeless dude sitting outside the deli and so we were like right next to each other and we locked eyes which is my like no no you know like that's like that's like when you're like a fighter pilot and it's like we've we've got him locked up so we make eye contact i'm like fuck, fuck. And as I'm walking in, he goes, yo, man, can you get me a soda? And I was like, that's an easy enough request. I'm going to go buy a soda myself. I can just buy another one.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can do it, man. Let me just like, I'm going in a second. Send my tweet. I'm walking in. I'm like, I think I already know where this is going. And I think it might be on you. But continue. I said, what kind of soda do you want?

Okay, you asked. Okay. Pineapple. Pineapple. Pineapple soda? I didn't even know that was a thing. I didn't know the thing. It sounds delicious. Yeah, I guess I don't hate it, right?

He goes, and so he's sitting down. He's a mess. I feel he's a pineapple Fanta. We'll get there. Okay. So he's sitting there, and I'm looking over him, and he just goes, pineapple. I go, pineapple? And he's sitting there and i'm like looking over him and he and i'm like what kind of he just goes pineapple i go pineapple and he's like yeah pineapple and i was like okay i mean this is on me i asked him i could have just got whatever but okay i've never i

didn't even know that exists so now i'm getting my sandwich i got two of my sodas two of my bags of chips i'm like walking like this and i'm looking up and down the soda bridges looking for fucking pineapple so then i find one something with an m like more soda or marisol or something that it's pineapple with pineapple coconut and it's white and so i'm thinking so i grab that and then i have an attack of conscience i was like that's not really gonna be a pineapple so that like the's going to dominate that flavor. Now I'm like, fuck. I'm not going to deliver on this promise. Then I was like, what am I

doing? I don't fucking care. I'm just getting this guy pineapple coconut. Then I get to the counter and I was like, well, I might as well ask him, do you guys have any pineapple? Then there was Jarritos and there was Fanta and there was a bunch of other things. I went with the Fanta. Pineapple soda fans tell me I had to go with Jarritos next time. That's the real deal one. I don't know, but I got the man was Fanta and there was a bunch of other things. I went with the Fanta. Pineapple soda fans tell me I had to go with Jaritos next time. That's the real deal one.

I don't know, but I got the man a Fanta. I got him a pineapple soda. And then upon leaving, I hand him the soda and I said, thank you. And I was like, this is why I don't do these things. It's like when you're getting on the plane

and they have a nice flight and you say, you too. Happy birthday. Yeah, you too, man. Fuck! I feel like I would say thank you as well. Yeah, I was like, here you go, man. He goes, thank you. I was like, thank you, bro.

And I turn, I was like, thank you, bro. What the fuck was that? I would hit him with a no, thank you. Thank you for bringing this joy into my life. Just forever awkward. And I'm somebody who talks for a living and interacts for a living and interviews and I'm still doing dumb weird things like that.

No, no, no, sir. Thank you for introducing me to the world of pineapple soda. For real. I am truly blessed. It does not sound like something I would really enjoy. I would enjoy like a sip of that maybe. I can't drink like a full 20 ounce pineapple soda. Yeah, probably like a blueberry beer. Right. It's like five for one. it's like an actual sip is okay you can't

have a six pack of pineapple soda yeah i can't do that i i used to drink blue point blueberry a lot yeah and then i you know i was like i can't do this i i only had one ever yeah it's it's i can't do it so that was my that's the that's the first time all the good drinks i'm gonna fucking sound like the guy who ran the patent office, but I think all the good drinks that have been created. Anything drink that's good exists already. Unless we end up creating a drink, and then in that case...

Yeah. What's the most underrepresented flavor? Like, if you were to make a drink right now that I was like, you've got to come up with something unique, what would you do? Water. That's all I drink. I do what you know. Water is so representative.

So representative. There's so much water. We did an entire draft on water. I really don't know. Strawberry? I was going to say a berry. Maybe a raspberry. Raspberry.

Got the seeds in it. Ooh. A little crunch. I like that. A little crunch. You don't like a soda little crunch? You don't want to chew on your drink? What's wrong with you?

Ugh. But I just, that was my, I'm done. Like, I'm now 10 more years before I interact with a homeless person. I love when people first come to the city. Jackie, have you had any, like, attack of conscience moments where you're like, I got to help the homeless? When I first came here, this is when I visited in October, and I really was not acquainted with New York. And I came down right there outside of Five Guys, and this guy was like, can you get me

some food? And I was like, yeah, of course. And then, so then he was like, okay, just like up there. So then we started walking, and then. You started walking with him? I started walking with him. Why? To go get food for him?

Yeah, because he was just like really like, I was deleting the charge, and he just seemed like he wanted to go somewhere. And I thought it was just going to be, like, up. Well, so we weren't at Five Guys, so I, like, just assumed he, like, kind of pointed there. But then we, like, walked by. And the whole time he was like, I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.

He's my veteran card. But it was literally just, like, a sticker on, like, a white. And I was like, you're not a veteran, but, like, it's fine. But I'm going to get to the food. I was like, it's, like, you don't need to be a veteran or whatever. And he, like, kept doing that. And so then I'm like, wait, wait, where You don't need to be a veteran or whatever. He kept doing that. Then I'm like, where are we walking?

He was like, oh, it's just my favorite Chinese food restaurant. It's like two blocks down. I was like, we're not doing two blocks. We had this whole banter going on. Jackie, did you go on a date with a homeless guy? I didn't i didn't

but then you guys hook up no shut up so then so then i was like no i'm not we're not going two blocks like i can get you five guys and he's like but i don't want five guys i was like well it's five guys or it's nothing so then he's like fine so then we go back to five guys and we go inside five guys and like he's like can i get get a double-double with fries and whatever? And no, he hadn't ordered. And I was like, no. It's actually pretty expensive. And I don't actually have that much.

You can get a burger, and that's it. And he was like, what about a burger? And goes through the whole. He keeps trying to have multiple things. I was like, no, a burger. And so then everybody's looking at us in the restaurant because we have this weird, like, dynamic. And people are like, is that his mom? Is that his mom?

How old was this guy? Well, no, he was, like, old, but, like, I was treating him as if he was, like, a child. Like, no, stop ordering everything. So then he goes to the front and then he like he just orders everything after i literally just told him to only order the burger so then did the guy was like no he's just getting the don't let him tell you that he's just getting the burger and then finally like he he tried one more time like so he was like but like also fries i can't you can't knock that hustle.

This guy is like, finally one person after the last four weeks has said yes, I'm going in. I'm trying my hardest. And so then I felt bad, but then I was like, I kind of feel the need to stick to my guns on this one. So then I would have gotten more. Anyways, and then after, then he was like,

can I also get a bus ticket? No, no, then he asked for dessert and i was like no like if i was a homeless person that would be this is let me give a mouse a cookie in fucking real life yeah and then he asked for a bus ticket and then you didn't buy a bus ticket did you i did not buy it no i didn't buy him dessert i didn't buy him bus ticket and then he starts walking with me and then i was like back and i was like we're done. So did you guys kiss? No actually but like this is a problem

though like I have to now ask her all these questions all the time because that answer I did not see that coming. It's like a junior you. I just have to pepper her with regular questions because who fucking knows what's going to come out of her mouth now. i could have easily just moved on from the homeless i was

like hey you ever do that jackie we got a whole story about her going on a date with the homeless i didn't go on a date that's crazy okay can i tell if my yeah like go ahead my date with the homeless man let the master go like go ahead. What did you do? So, dude, one time, this was when I was younger, and I was simping hard for a girl. Like, simping hard. How old were you? Uh-huh.

How old were you? Like, mid-20s. Okay. Mid to early 20s. And I went to go visit her, and she was like, I have work. It was like a surprise visit to go like, hey, how much I care about you kind of deal. And she just liked fucking really running me around. Were you hooking up at all?

No, not really. It's always that way. And you were running around running errands while she was getting her back blown out by some of the Jews. Bro, bro. And so she's like, I got to go to work. And I was like, okay, that's cool. I'll keep myself busy. It's like Pete Holmes in Crashing.

Yeah. And so I just go walking around the city. Here. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. It was in the south. Okay. And it was – so I fucking go and uh and like i just kind of bump into this homeless guy and i'm like yo man like you want to hang out like not not like that not

it wasn't as explicit as that but it was like he's like he it was the same kind of thing it was like he's like can i get some food and i was like yeah like you want to come along let's go get food together so we go and I forget where it was. It had orange in it. So it was either Popeye's, Bojangles, or White Castle or something. And we're just sitting there at a table just kind of eating food. And she calls me. She's like, she got out of work.

And she's like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I'm at lunch with Rick. And she's like, who's Rick? I'm at lunch with Rick. She's like, who's Rick? And I was like, this guy I just met she's like what are you talking about

and I'm like he's a homeless guy and I was like trying to get her to be like oh he takes homeless guys out Mr. Philanthropy

what are you a fucking weirdo good for her I mean I am not going on a date with you after you go on a date with a homeless guy. No, this is actually, this is embarrassing.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Because then fucking, she's like, I'll come pick you up. Because she had a car and she drove to work. I was just walking around. Oh, heavens no. And so she comes and picks me up. Oh, no.

With Rick there? Rick was there, yeah, yeah. We were just sitting outside. Oh, God. And she's like, hi. I was like, yeah, this is the guy we were just getting lunch. And I was trying to be real gregarious about it. And she's like, hi. I was like, yeah, this is the guy we were just getting lunch. I was trying to be real gregarious about it. And she's like, get in the car.

Yeah, shut the fuck up. And then we're driving back to her apartment. And we drive by a tattoo place. And she's like, if you really want me to get with you, get my name tattooed on you. And, bro, I was simping so hard I came that close. Like pull over let's sit in front, let's decide what it's going to be. That girl she's wicked. She's pure

evil. That girl was like let's see how far I can get this little bitch to dance for me. Like she was shooting her guns at your feet, making you dance. That is so fucking rude.

Don't get me wrong. It is incredibly pathetic that you even consider doing it. But the fact that she was like, that was a girl who had like a little ladybug in the palm of her hand. I was like, I can just crush it if I want to. I could just kill this if I wanted to. Or I can fucking maim it and have me get my name on it forever. So every fucking person, whoever shows him a semblance of love, he has to explain to her the goddamn story about what a fucking pussy he is. And then she'll no longer be attracted to him.

And he'll be out on his ass again. He'll be hanging out with Rick. He'll be homeless by the end of it. You literally might as well get pussy tattooed on your body. Or just a pussy. Just get a pussy on your chest. And people say, what is that? You say, I'm a pussy.

That's what it was going to be. You have to get a huge fucking labia on your forehead. And when people ask what it is, you say, it's me. It's a self-portrait! I really wanted something that captured me the most. So I got a pussy. Oh my god. That might be it.

That might be the biggest simp story I've ever heard. It's gotta be. It is simping. I was simping before simping was simping. Simping ain't easy, man. Simping ain't easy. You gotta get up here permanently inked.

Gotta get permanently inked for these hoes. Holy shit, man. You are pathetic. You know what's crazy? I don't think you've changed much. I feel like I feel like It don't think you've changed much. I feel like... I feel like... It wasn't even so much simping. It's just like...

We've often made the thing where I'm a puppy. People have to tell me what to do. Well, I was going to say, right now... You can do it right now. Yes. I think right now you'd be more inclined to get a tattoo if a guy told you than a girl. Like, you're not going to do anything for pussy.

But I think if, like, some of the guys here. Will someone think I'm cool, though? Right, right. Oh, will you like me? Will you give me, like, some love and attention? Okay. Okay. Absolutely.

I mean, yeah, you have a Sour Patch Kids tattooed on you. Everybody has a bunch of dumb tattoos here just out of, like, okay, will people like it? Will it get a lot of attention on the internet? Okay, I'll do it. We'll wait for views. Sure. Yeah, let's do it. Was she ever impressed at all?

Not even a little bit. No. And so did you ever hook up? No. No. But you didn't get a tattoo? Yeah. The woman had her rules.

Wow. I'm trying to think of the biggest simp thing I ever did. It's probably by a gigantic ring. I don't know. Probably blow my life savings on a ring. Probably procreate twice. I was going to say probably impregnate somebody. Procreate twice because she told me to.

Yeah, that's what I did. So I guess, you know what? You know what's a little more... That by Bojangles doesn't sound so bad now, does it? A little bit more permanent than a tattoo? Two humans! I still have my nest egg. God damn it.

We are a pathetic bunch. Wow. What a show. We're cooking, baby. It's brought to you by miller light listen listen if you've got some miller lights crack them open right now we're about to have a good one this is all flowing before ryan long comes up later we still got voicemails we still got top fives we still got it all it's a big episode it's time for your butt it's time for your miller lights get out your miller because it's great taste, less filling.

That's the number one thing. You can drink a bunch of them. Enjoy yourself. You're going to feel good. You're not going to feel fat and bloated. It's a quality light beer that has real taste. It's an actual beer as opposed to just like some yellow water like the other light beers out there. And so you can have it with your friends.

You can kick back when you're listening to the podcast. Miller Lite makes any situation that much better. You can get them delivered right to your door, too. You don't have to go out. Although the world's back, so go out to the bar. Go out to the bar. Get back in person. Get back stuff and get out there, but if you're still staying at home, you want to just get the beer delivered right to your front

door, go to MillerLite.com slash KFC for all the delivery options near you, because right now, it is Miller time, baby. Go to MillerLite.com slash KFC for all the delivery options near you, because right now, it is Miller time, baby. Go to MillerLite.com. How hot it is? Nice way to cool down. Right there. A little ice-cold Miller Lite to cool you off

while Jackie's out here drinking hot water. We'll be drinking nice, cold Miller Lights. Celebrate responsibly. It's the Miller Brewing Company from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories, 3.2 carbs, 12 ounces. Go to Miller lights, uh, celebrate responsibly. It's the Miller brewing company from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories, 3.2 cars,

12 ounces. Go to my life.com slash KC. Um, so, um, we got, we got to talk about mayor of East town. Yes.

And then you've got a question and a situation. Would you rather do that first or mayor of East town? Let's do that first question in a situation. John often starts these things where it's like we plan out. I'm like, all right, I got a homeless man story. And then we got to talk about Mayor of Easttown. And John goes, I got a question. And he turns his head and looks at me like, situation.

What the fuck does this mean? This situation might be more embarrassing than the story I just told. It's like people aren't going to think it is, but I personally think it is. Let's start with the question or the situation? Let's start with the situation. Okay. We got a situation. I am pretty sure that I have been

shadowbanned on Twitter and suppressed by the algorithm. Okay. What makes you think this? I just get nothing anymore. And I think it's for no reason other that I'm just not good at Twitter. I didn't do anything offensive.

I don't think you're shadow banned. I just don't think you use Twitter well. I think it's just like, they're like, look, we're just going to stop even sending your tweets, dude. You're on Creed Thoughts, basically. You're just blasting it off. Bro, it's been like three months in the making and I've been working my

cards up to bring it up I might get two retweets per tweet now it is downright despicable how little interaction and the thing is I don't blame them I'm like you're right this fucking

sucks should we go through some of the tweets the problem is I don't blame him. I'm like, you're right. This fucking sucks. Should we go through some of the tweets? Sure. The problem is, I think you're in playoff mode right now. Everything will just be about Tuka Rask. Listen, if every single time you tweet, it's just he did the thing.

Tuka Rask is good at bossing the thing. Yeah, we get it. No, he did it again. You fucking... This one cracked me up. Probably for all the wrong reasons. I just. But also, this is so Feidelberg and so funny that I think it's perfect. If you listen to the podcast, you know him. I've been watching Modern Family and I love it.

I know. But by the end, Phil is selling six bedroom houses in the hills. It's ridiculous. Ridiculous, Kevin! All sitcoms try to end with everyone being super successful. Most people aren't, and they're just happy. Or they're miserable.

I'll watch both. These are the three worst tweets that have ever been sent all in a row. So bad. It got two retweets, one retweet, zero retweets. Dude, we're trying to fucking send you a message here. Fucking knock it off with the shitty tweets. This kid is just incensed that Phil Dunphy was selling.

It was too unrealistic that he was selling too high scale real estate. It was insane. Six bedroom houses to fucking Chris Martin. Like, what happened? You're selling fucking houses to fucking Coldplay now? Where did this switch come? I mean, there's just no way that's going to get any interaction.

If I didn't see the follow-up tweets, I would have no idea what you're talking about. I was just like, yeah, he's a real estate guy. Yep, that's not a good one. My tweets, because I got fucking suppressed by the goddamn algorithm, I tweet for me now.

Yeah. Well, I did like this was, what's today, the 24th? So this was this morning, late this morning. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Capital letters. That got 16 retweets. That's about, you know, 8x your usual. That one was quote tweeting that Tuka Rask is the number one goalie of all time

in save percentage, in playoff save percentage. Of all time! Let's see. Tukarask is good. Yeah, I've got a couple of those in there. And the next one you said was good. Let's see. It is just my journal.

You know, okay, good. Let's see. It is just my journal. I'm going to throw a reference that I use quite often, and I think it upsets you every time. It's the Patriot. Yeah, that's why you're talking. Let me send tweets about this mediocrely received movie from 1996. I'm sure that'll get a lot of traction. When Benjamin Martin comes back with General Cornwallis' notebook and says, I've just been inside

the mind of a genius. My Twitter, you come back and go, I've been inside the mind of a fucking lunatic. Like a guy who just doesn't know anything about anything. He might know six words. If you read my Twitter, it would

not be inconceivable that I know under 50 words in an English language. Twitter thinks that you have a... Twitter thinks that you're retweeting. Twitter's like, we have a mentally deficient man here. Let's open up the algorithm for a couple retweets. He's doing the whole good thing again. I am a paradoxist. All of his followers are from America, but he doesn't speak English.

This is so bad. Your Twitter is so bad. How about this, John? John, you got one that had zero retweets. I've been suppressed, Kevin! Are the rules? This is such an unbelievably bad tweet. Are the rules for seating at a game in England different than America?

Or are there a wild amount of people at this Liverpool game? Zero retweets. Because again, that's not really a tweet. That's just like you're just asking questions. I just questioned. I was watching the game alone. I had an observation. No one could answer the question for me.

They were just wild people just sitting by themselves. Pasta did the thing with your picture of you saying cum. That's pretty good. That was pretty funny. The cum picture is good. 20 retweets on that one. Followed up by Tuca Rask. But shout out to this guy.

He said, fights do the cum tweet is a very strong brand. That's good. Oh, yeah. 266 retweweets this is probably my last big tweet we all survived a pandemic just to die of a heart attack during a 7 game series that goes OT every year well once you get the sports going yeah well it's twitter's fault you've been suppressed

it's 100% twitter's fault and what's your situation? Or is that your question? That was my question. That was my situation. What's your question? Okay. And you know what the problem is, too?

The notebook ruined me. Because now I write down my thoughts in here, and I'm like, I'm going to share them on the show. My good thoughts. Rather than Twitter. Yeah. Well, that's good. I mean, listen. Spending your time on Twitter is the biggest waste of time there is.

Barstool Sports put their eggs in the absolute wrong basket. We all decided to join Twitter where it's just a hellhole abyss of self-loathing and attempts at quippy little jokes that nobody really cares. Yeah, I'm not even upset I haven't gotten a follower in six months. But because your Instagram game is so strong where you chug fucking shirtless. You were just killing the social media game. I haven't done that in forever. It's actually bullshit that the NBA, not that I give a shit about the NBA, that the NHL playoffs come right before the summer because I was working out a lot.

Those were all post-workout videos. I haven't been to the gym or had a salad in two weeks. And it's the NBA's fault and the NHL's fault. The NBA will give you a pass. I don't spend too much of my time busy watching the NBA. Okay, my question here. I think this is a good one. I think, has anyone else in any career or any occupation done as much in six months as Lana Rhodes did?

No, yeah. I mean, she got in and out and made herself a million-dollar empire. occupation done as much in six months as Lana Rhodes did. No. Yeah. I mean, she got in and out and made herself a million dollar empire. Like it took her six months. A lot of cock. I was going to say months now, like that's a great kind of hypothetical.

That's a great ATI question. Would you willing, would you be willing to become a fucking like hardcore porn star fast for six months? People tend to ease themselves into that world like she was like day one like you are putting multiple penises and rubber duckies in your ass but then you get out and you can have a vlog and a podcast and all that and make she makes she makes so much money and she has no problem telling you she's like i'm a fucking millionaire

because she's earned it i think she's like she like, she's not subtle about it because she's like, fuck you. I'll tell you how much money I make. Incredible. I mean. It is one of the most dominant careers. I would say that. What's a career that even. Maybe.

There maybe is a sports figure. Oh, I got one for you. Matt Castle. Like one game, 60 million. But he still like had to go through college and groom himself to become. Yeah. You know, Lana was just like. One season you Matt Castle. Like one game, 60 million. But he still had to go through college and groom himself to become a... Lana was just like... One season, you mean, Castle. Yeah, well, was that all it was?

Before he got his... He played that one game, right? No, but one season. Maybe Matt Flynn then? Oh, Flynn did it a few times. Flynn originally, he filled in for what aaron rogers i think he had like it was like week 16 week 17 he had like one good game yeah and got like 60 million dollars and then castle castle did it too but he kind of earned it with that season i think matt flynn did

it like with with individual games multiple i think you're right because he's been a mail time hall of famer where it was like literally one game. But even that, you have to – you start to become a professional athlete. And that's no – like Alana Rhodes is like, I'm super hot and I can fuck. So bam, this guy starts to pay his dues and all that kind of shit. But he would be the only thing I could put up there. That's his name, right? Mathlin?

Yeah, Mathlin. And then he tweeted one time he tweeted, I know I'm going to get killed for this, and I don't have a lot of room to talk, but this latest QB contract is unbelievable. Come on, dude. He said,

would it have helped if I said, with all due respect, hashtag Ricky Bobby? The guy knows that he just stole the fucking bag. But nine different NFL teams. It was when Brock Osweiler got 72 million. And even Matt Flynn was like, Jesus Christ. But yeah, he'd be the only thing I could even compare.

But yeah. I wasn't even horny. This isn't even a bong. I wasn't even watching her porn. I was looking at her Instagram. And I saw it was like 16 million followers. Like 15..8 i'm sure it's up to 16 now absolutely that's a few days ago she when she came here and did answer the internet she was talking like she's like oh man it was it was such a flex i wish we had it on camera she was like if i post like a

video or a picture i'll get like a million dollars so So if I want to do that, if I need a million dollars, I can just do that. And I was like, well, can you just do that and give it to me or something? Can I somehow get in on that? Imagine that power to just be like, when I need to. I could have a million dollars. And actually the self-control, though. Because I think she's very much over the porn world she's like when she was on bffs dave i think asked her like what's her number to go back and do porn i think she was like i'll just never do it again she's like i can make

money other ways and like i i i have too much like self-respect which is like if you if you a lot of people view porn as like not like degrading so whatever but if you do view it that way and you don't want to do it fine but if it was just like dangling like but if you do do it you can just make millions again i feel like uh okay i'll do it yeah i mean like she can she can make the she can make a phone call push of a button anything one picture and she is you know what seven that is to do in six months it took her six months to get to that if she well she's worked harder and all that stuff. I mean, she got. She went to jail and shit, too. She lived several. Yeah, what'd she go to jail for?

She was, like, hooking. She was, like. Her boyfriend was, like, a gang member. And she said that in Chicago, the laws against gangs are, like, so strict that it's, like, if you are, like, involved with them in any way, if you're there at all. So, it's, like, I think they, like, just robbed somebody, robbed something, and they all got caught by the cops, and she was just the girlfriend along for the ride, but whatever.

She did a year in prison. Really? In the clink for a year. Was that pre- or post-porn? Pre. I don't know. I'm not sure of the timeline. So she's lived a lot of experience,

so she deserves the right to just be chilling now. But I think she should do an MJ press release. I'm back. And just do one video. A one-time thing. When the clock starts to run out and in the twilight of your social media career, or you want one last hurrah before you're getting older, all right, let's do one more time. Let's throw it back one last hurrah before you're getting older. Like, all right, let's do it one more time. Let's throw it back one last try.

But yeah, man, six months. Would you do it? Would I do? I mean, it's just so hard to be like a guy versus a girl. Would I get like three dicks in my ass? Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. Would you? For the ability to take a picture of myself and make a million dollars?

Would you do gay porn for six months? Hardcore porn to then live her lifestyle like hollywood hills mansions if if if so inclined you post a picture on only fans and make a million like living the life of you know celebrities and miami yachts and all this shit that she does he does you you would do i've you gotta get i can't believe he is considering this as hard as he is. Because even though, here's the thing, even though I would, if I was posed this question on a podcast, I'd be like, hell no!

On the inside, I'd be like, give it honest answers around here. I think the part that would be the hardest for me would be the dicks in the ass. No, I think it would be just getting drenched in comedy. Like, there are multiple videos where, like, if I have to, like, relive her career scene for scene,

she's just soaked in cum. How about that? What about that? You gotta do her scene. Blech! No! That was a deep retch. Just cover, John.

Just drip like a glazed donut. Like a glazed donut, John. He's out of the studio, folks. If you're watching on YouTube, he just got up and left. I would have said that the rubber duckies in the hot tub is the harder part, but hey. To each their own. I guess the cum is difficult, too. You think the cum's harder than the rubber duckies?

Yeah. Yeah? I mean, have you ever seen a rubber ducky? They're not shaped very well. They're pliable, he says. Are you done? I won't talk about cum, I promise. I won't talk about you being covered in cum. I won't talk about it being stuck in your mustache.

As another co-worker comes zooming by on a scooter. We live in a fun house. We live in an absolute fun house. Right now, Vibs is doing Lower in the Bar. Who can do a lap around the office in the scooter the fastest? While John runs outside to puke talking about would he hypothetically get covered in cum

while the scooter race goes on? It's goddamn Mario Kart trapped in a porn world here. So would you recreate her career? I don't think I could do it. I think we just came to a final answer there you gotta recreate the highlights of her six month career in one day so you're doing like one porn

shoot that will include the tub with the rubber duckies the two dicks in her ass, the covered and come the highlights, the highs and lows of her career I don't think I have the stamina for it oh man bro i fucking jerk off and take a nap a hundred different ways for 24 hours straight what's the last what do you say for last on that day

what's could you imagine that's really tough. At the very end, you're like, okay, get the rubber duckies out. Or like, okay, time to be covered like a fucking frosted cake. That's not easy. I think you probably saved the fucking dicks. The two dicks? Yeah. Hopefully by that point, we're ready for it.

The fucking ducks have stretched you out. Yeah. You know what's really crazy? The strawberries. Because the strawberries stayed intact. Which I think means the rubber duggies did get you out. You know what I mean? I think if I were to put a strawberry in it, it would be a mess.

That strawberry just fell out. Yeah, that's what I mean. You know what? That strawberry was like putting a golf ball in a golf hole, you know what I mean, in the hole. It was just, it was in and out, man.

Jesus. But one day at work and then you have the ability, she has a money tree, bro. She has a literal money tree. She does not take advantage of enough, but. It'd be nice to have

a money tree, but I just, I don't think I can make it happen, Kev. I'd like to see you try. Cox on the table, maybe we've got a different story. Oh, those ones? Yeah, all right, fuck it.

Imagine that. You're like, ah, his ex-husband rolls in. Come on, let's do it. Let's go. Oh, boy, that was a question and a half. Yeah. That was good. That was good.

That was good. I have a funny thing to read here. A girl I know went out the other night, and she was over-served and began talking to a young gentleman who was foreign, very, very foreign. He was from Hungary. He was – what did I call it? Hungaria. Yeah. He was from hungary he was uh what did i call it hungaria yeah he was from and um she was like blacked out and they were like kissing and getting like cutesy at the bar

and i think all of her friends were kind of like you need to go home like immediately like what are you doing it was like this weird old man from hungary and then uh they exchanged numbers and some of the text messages from this guy. I want to read this. This is for everyone out there who maybe this past weekend or this year or just any time in your life, if you've ever sent some bad text messages, some cringy text messages, caught up with the wrong guy or girl at the bar, and you're like, wow, what was I thinking? What was I doing?

Let's just read these and feel better about it it also it leads to a a single individual line that i feel like uh could be like a tattoo or a book or a poem or something anyway this was uh he texted at some point he said i'm so fucking they exchanged numbers yes so he's texting her i'm so fucking worried but i know you're fine because we're already connected. So I'd feel if you're not fine. That was at like 1230 in the morning. So he's already on that tip.

If you change your mind, please tell me. I'll understand. Hopefully I won't kill myself. Just be honest. BTW, I see your eyes when I close mine. That's crazy. He said that's crazy? Yes, that he sees her eyes when he closes.

Then I think she spoke to him or sent a message being like, hey, you know, I was a little too drunk. Like, we had some fun, but like, I don't see this. I'm not going anywhere. He says, yeah, I knew that. Did you know your individual, who you really are, always comes up when your brain is infused alcohol? And then our fake sober personalities just disappear.

After that, when you get sober then our fake sober personalities just disappear. After that, when you get sober, your ego and personalities come back. That's the psychology of alcohol effect. But like I said, totally understand you. I'm so honored because I could taste your lips. Really, thank you. It was more than real and infinite for me. It was more than real and infinite for me more than anything else in this bloody limited physical world i'm sure you don't remember how much you didn't want to let my arm you squeezed and hugged me so tightly like we've not met for a long time maybe for hundreds years but i realized yesterday definitely knowing you from one or from but i realized yesterday definitely know you from one or more lives you know i thought it's a blessing that I always remember for everything even if I'm

totally drunk. Now I know it's because of a curse sometimes. I'll rate for you in another life. I misunderstood you because you wanted to know everything about me and I'm pretty romantic and a spiritual being. But despite I can separate my feelings if you want just having sex because I'm also a conscious man. You can say

explanations how much you were drunk. We have a real, gigantic physical desire. And then this is where he drops this line. Goose bumps and intensified heartbeats never lie. I'd be back on that guy.

Bro! If he's involved in the Atlanta Roads day I'm in goosebumps and intensified heartbeats never lie Jesus

Casey had a hell of a night huh oh man that is fucking great that is wild goosebumps and intensified Oh, man. That is fucking great. That is wild. Goosebumps and Intensified Heartbeats Never Lie. That sounds like the name of a Panic at the Disco song. It's one of those long ass titles.

Kevin, I didn't know you had fucking references like that in the bag. Look at that. Those are those fucking weirdly long, bizarre uh song titles yeah goosebumps and intensified heartbeats never lie i might get it tattooed on me yeah i might i might have to put out a fucking a book named that unbelievable shout out to that hungarian man no idea how much joy you brought to my life i remember once my like my best friend was on plenty of fish you ever go on that uh it rings a bell but i've never been on plenty of fish is like the most bootleg dating site ever that's a super Christian one right uh perhaps i think so because it's like

yeah yeah um and he was talking he he uh has a propensity for Asian ladies and he was talking to a bunch of Asian girls and this one girl was trying to like talk to him uh through broken English and she was like baring her soul kind of being like you know do you want to do this or not as he's just like stringing around like an idiot and she wrote like here I stand bravery and all and

for like 10 straight years we would just be like blacked out at the bar being like so here I stand bravery and all and people were like what the fuck is wrong with these guys we don't be cackling laughing screamingvery and all! And people are like, what the fuck is wrong with these guys? We don't be cackling, laughing, screaming, bravery and all! Just mocking people who have English as a second language.

But goosebumps and intensified heartbeats. Remember that, folks. Alright, right now we're at 66,000 subscribers. Last time you guys got to 60,000, we released the Rat Family Vacation. The new goal is 70,000. When you hit 70k, we're gonna release our vlog from our Philly live show, back when the Rat Family Vacation. The new goal is 70,000. When you hit 70K, we're going to release our vlog from our Philly

live show back when the world was still running and KFC Radio was on tour doing live podcasts. We went to the city of brotherly love and Nick chopped up a nice little live vlog for you. So a little carrot for you folks. If you just push the motherfucking button, you can watch our live show tour

vlog. V-log as Dave would call it. You want a V-log? Then subscribe. fucking button, you can watch our live show tour blog. Vlog. A V-log, as Dave would call it. You want a V-log? Then subscribe. 70,000 subscribers, you get a V-log from us. Alright, Mayor of Easttown. We gotta do a little Barstool DVR. Let's talk about it. Mayor of Easttown, if you're not

watching, I mean, stop listening right now. It's gonna be heavy, heavy spoilers. Come back in about 10 minutes. Yeah, you wanna... No, it's watching. I mean, stop listening right now. It's going to be heavy, heavy spoilers. Come back in about 10 minutes. Yeah, you want to do that? No, it's fine. I'll be fine. You can just step out. It's fine. They still got an episode left?

Yes. Yeah, I'll binge it this week. Okay. All right. You sure? Yeah. Trust me, this isn't the first time this has happened. That's the break.

That's the job. Well, yeah that's the job yeah well okay so the latest episode i think that the the last two episodes by the way i think both were going like not so great until the end and i think the endings both like saved both yeah i i was kind of disappointed and then it was like bam what an unbelievable scene and then last night i was kind of which is just like the way people make tv now yeah you just need is kind of bullshit. You just need like one good moment. It's almost like songwriting now too. It's like you need a good hook. And like every song is like two minutes long now.

Just like give them like one good line. Goosebumps and intensified R&B. Never lie. You're good. But so we're left off for the final episode where Mare believes that Billy, who is Aaron. And who told her that? Lori? Yes.

Yeah. Okay. So Billy, who is Aaron McMenamin's dad's brother. That they went to a family reunion. They had some sort of incestuous event. He is the father of her baby. And that she was talking about telling people and so Billy killed Aaron.

They are also, at the same time, they're showing John, Laurie's husband, he's starting to look more and more shady and he's involved. And so my official prediction prediction and you can give your your we're similar but we differ a little bit i think that john is the real father of erin's baby i think that um he i think that there so in the story they in the uh in in the family reunion it was them two and erin in their cabin so i think some shit went down with the three of them whether it was forced or just

regular old incest which by the way is a fucking diesel storyline for a tv show like like no matter where this ends up whether it's a good ending bad ending you know some people were talking about i was comparing that last that one scene to True Detective. It's had some highs. It's had some lows. Wherever it ends up, if if the storyline is like threesome incest with a baby resulting for it, that's some heavy shit. I've never I've never seen another show or movie that's done quite that. So also with pretty sprinkled in opioid epidemic deaths and

suicides and baby deaths and all sorts of shit. What was the other one in there? Oh, priest rape. Touch them all! Heavy on the trauma point. I will admit that. It's a lot. So I think that it's junk.

It's almost like I feel bad telling people to catch up. Catch up, but do it one of the little one. It's a lot. And you binge it. But I think John is the father. I think John probably even killed her. And I think the scene where he's like, Billy, you got to say the words, say the words. And he's like, I did.

He's like, are you ready to confess? Are you ready to confess? I think that's him making his brother take the fall for him. I think that it's like, I have a family and I have kids and I got to work to get back with Lori and my children and he wants him to take the fall in some capacity and that's why the chief now has whatever that, whatever Aaron's friend found from the notebook. It's either I think it's a sonogram maybe,

or maybe it's just a picture from the, from the family reunion. But whatever that piece of paper is, I think shows that it was John who was the father and not Billy. So that's fine. I wouldn't show that. That's what, I don't know.

I'm just trying to think of what it could be. If it was just a picture though, unless it's like a picture, like in the act or something like that, which I don't know, there's three people, two, one,

I don't know. It could get really fucking dark, but that's where I think the chief is like, get mayor on the phone right now. Cause as we, we left off, mayor was going in guns blazing, but I think she's going with the thought that it's Billy.

And I think that it's actually going to be John. I think, I think, I think what your, your theory isn't wrong. It's not, but I think it's, I think Billy already took the fall and the taking the fall

was the killing her yeah so i think he actually did john was like get rid of this girl for me and i don't even know if he like explicitly said it i think it was more just like like by a brother protecting his yeah they definitely have this like brotherly bond where they're hugging and crying and protecting each other and like because he's got a line in each other for all i know when he's they might actually would you imagine if you had a threesome with your brother and your niece

these Delco hillbillies Jesus Christ get home get home stop fucking your niece he's got a line Billy does where he says something like you fucked everything up like because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants yeah. I think that's like that got her pregnant. Do you think that the son

might actually know something? She said he's doing it again. What if there's a big twist and Laurie killed Aaron? But none of that makes sense. I believe Billy killed her i believe it's admittedly why is he covered in blood i don't know but like billy was definitely there they've

been super vague right or they mentioned it i guess they actually said a name this time this episode they said shannon right because because because the mom said to the son oh yes is your dad doing it again with the same girl and he just said yes and they never said a name but then i think they said something about shannon this episode wait because i was thinking what if Is your dad doing it again with the same girl? And he just said yes, and they never said a name. But then I think they said something about Shannon this episode. Wait. Because I was thinking, what if the son knew that it was Aaron, and Lori knew that it was incest, and Lori is somehow involved?

That would be a twist. Because I think right now, I think some people are just like, it's Billy. And I think some people who are watching are like, no, they're clearly pointing towards John. If you're kind of like are just like it's billy and i think some people who are watching are like no they're clearly pointing towards john if you're kind of like i think john's involved right i think i think he's involved with the the rape i think i think that's where they want you to look i think it would be i would be very satisfied if laurie is somehow in on it that would be pretty good the that would be a twist i did not see coming well until right now but i guess i did but that would be awesome to me because it was weird like when Lori at first was like not I thought Lori was gonna like keep the

secret for John and I was like this is crazy this is like she wouldn't keep that secret but if she was kind of involved in it making him to I don't know that's just that's a that's a more of a fun like I hope that happens just because I knew that would be like some crate. If they, as long as they do it right and they don't just wedge it in, if Lori is somehow involved, because the, the only thing I was saying,

I was thinking to myself when Lori was like going to cover it up, I was like, why the fuck would she cover this up when it's incest? I feel like people almost are like, we have like this will like the whole family's fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So like, it's worth, you know, trying to keep it yeah so like it's worth you know trying to keep it a secret because it's not just an affair or any old murder it's like this entire family tree is whacked yeah so you gotta salt the earth on that one yeah right like it's gone score shirt so um but i i think that it's gonna be john billy and and i think so i think right now you're gonna to see like Billy versus John. I think they might be both trying to kill each other.

Yeah. You're actually like, well, let's go up to the lake one more time. Yeah. You're going up to the lake to fucking make kid a body. And Billy's got the gun. It was John's idea to go up there. So I think they're both like who's going to get who. And I also think my last thing, I think Mare dies.

I think Mare is going to be the hero but dies in like a shootout or something like that you think so because i just feel like she's kind of like she lost her son she's now losing her grandson although i don't know maybe maybe i think also not on that front that scene with the bathtub i thought that kid was dead i know because but the water overflowing let me think that had been going on for a long time yeah that was like this kid's fucking dead right now are Are you kidding me, HBO? Give me a break here! I was actually saying it to you. I was like, no. I said out loud, are they going to kill

this fucking kid? But I could see her being like, I can't handle it. I need to give him back. Or I think it's like, Mare's done everything she can for this case. That's redeemed all the bad in her life. What's left from Mare? She can get back with Frank. Is she going to go with fucking Guy Pearce,

the author guy? I could just see her being the hero, the dying hero, and then I think the writer writes a book about her. I like that. The very final scene says 18 months later and you see him at a book signing and he's signing the Mare of Easttown books.

Which actually would make sense because part of that is like why is this like that she hit a shot in basketball like why is that important in any of this well yeah when you think of if you think of the title of the book because it's a funny it's like kind of a play on words and a weird title for like a serious thing but if in the end it's the title of this book and you look back on it as like it's just the story of this one woman who had her life fucking wrecked. And from her glory days as a basketball player, as a little girl, to like the widow, the dead mom, dead son, blah, blah, blah. It's like this is the story of Mare, you know? Yeah. I like that.

I think if they nail the landing, I think it has a chance to be – like first I thought this was going to be the undoing where I was like, oh, that's good. If they can do some of the shit we just described, I think it's up there as a good one-time series. And I told you this earlier today, and I learned it this morning, and I think it's incredibly important. I think it's also kind of bullshit that Guy Pearce was not supposed to play the role. He filled in as like

a friend as like a favor which is why and and people saying that's guy pierce he's got to have a bigger role you gotta have something to do with this it's like no he's just stepping in it was supposed to be like an unknown guy that's bullshit yeah it's supposed to be an unknown character like it's gotta be an unknown guy because everyone knows guy pierce is like well and then most people have spent the last couple weeks going, it's going to be Guy Pearce because he's Guy Pearce. And that's going to fucking suck. Although then you could also just say that's like that's some good misdirection. I don't know.

And had people like guessing the wrong. Yeah. Last few weeks. But he's still involved somehow. I think you said he might be at the lake. I forget what his book was about. Yeah. I was thinking that.

I feel like it was something water. He's somehow fishing and he just happens to be like at the same river or the same lake he's up there he sees it he helps out he saves mare whatever it is because the the preview for next or maybe he's just not fucking in it you know the preview next episode shows him packing his trunk up so i like i don't know where he's going but like it's just like it's a shot like someone looking out a window and it's yeah it's him like putting stuff in his trunk which i think they're like intending to seem nefarious but like if he if he has anything to do with any of this i'll be fucking pissed that is something yeah because there's there's so much evidence to point to so many other people and there's none to point to him i i was thinking

about if it was just billy if if that is the storyline they're not doing any misdirection like sometimes i hate when it's a character who's like, it's like, ooh, it was a big twist. You never saw that coming. And it's like, yeah, because the guy wasn't even in the show. Right, right. And that's kind of how I would feel about Billy. But then if it also ties in John or somehow Laurie, then I think it actually kind of becomes cool

because not only does it involve the main characters like somehow, but sometimes that's just like that's the reality of the situation. Sometimes you want a whodunit where it's like, it was the dad. And sometimes it's just like,'s the reality of the situation sometimes you want to have done it where it's like it was the dad and sometimes it's just like yeah it was the creepy like uncle who like you didn't ever think of but he's just a fucking rapist uncle i'd like to go back and watch episode two was it yeah episode two when all the brothers go to his house yes and watch how they act and stuff yeah yeah yeah and yeah because that technically they've been in it since like the very beginning and and then you got the priest lurking in some way i mean priest i believe his story yeah i get why you wouldn't want to do it yeah so i think they've just done a good job of

like here's all the characters here's all the reasons they could have done it but here's the reasons why a lot of them didn't do it um but my hope is that it's going to be lori somehow i think that would be cool but either way i'm cool with it being John and some sort of weird incest brother thing. But I think an extra, like another, a double twist is always cool. If I was a writer, I would always try for that without forcing it. I think that the second twist is always, you know. That type of feeling where the twist happens and you're like, there's like 17 minutes to go. Like, what the fuck are we?

Oh, and a whole other thing happens, you're like there's like 17 minutes to go like what the fuck are we oh like a whole other thing happens you know that would be cool so uh depending on the landing i think mary b's town has a chance to go from like good show to like fucking great if they nail a landing and winslet's a monster she's she's so that scene was just talking about just like saving not saving herself finding her finding herself is. Finding her son. And her, her like nonverbal acting in a way she can grow. The scene where her and, and, and I knew the mom

was going to slap her, by the way. I could see the slap coming. Really? Zabel's mom was like, she's going to slap her. But the scene where her and Gene's mom.

I could have been like, what did she, like why? I think that's just like an angry mom who was just like, if she didn't go, if you weren't around

and took him to that house, my son would be alive. You know? He wasn't a cop. Yeah. But that scene where her and gene smart mayor's mom hug and they're just crying together i always think it's so funny i would love to watch it behind the scenes like those two she comes home mayor how'd it go she starts weeping they hug they're both crying and then in real life someone goes like cut and they're just like all right cool what's for lunch you know it's so weird to me acting like that is so so weird where it really is like a like a skill

like a talent where it's like the same way it's like you can just like dunk a basketball and then just like you know go about your business you can just act like that and you know it's wild have you watched hack uh hacks no i heard it's good it's good between watchman hacks and mayor of east town gene smart must must have signed an HBO deal, like a five-picture deal or something. Hacks is funny. She's like a blue-blood Vegas lifer who's fading. Her star is fading.

It's like a Joan Rivers-esque type of shit. And a new Hollywood writer who's a failure. She tweeted something and got canceled, so she's taking any jobs you can get. So she's writing jokes. So her star is trying to come up, her star is failing, but it's all about like the life of Vegas.

And she's like a baller. Like she has like fish imported into her pond in her, in her, in her mansion, which is against the law. So like the conservative, the conservationist people are like mad, like wacky,

unimaginable wealth. So it's good though. She's awesome. Jean Smart is, is what's her, what's she like from, from like old school. She's been around forever,'s good though she's awesome jean smart is is uh what's her what's she like from from like old school she's been around forever but yeah she's awesome so uh tweet at us i guess you're um well i don't know if you don't want to spoil it but let me know what's your what's your predictions for a final episode of mayor of east town but uh a good chance for that

to be a an all-time show uh top fives? Let's do it. Top fives today are brought to you by Blue Nile. You got a big event coming up. You got a, you want to pop the question? It's wedding season.

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Would you ever propose, would you want to get proposed to? I don't give a fuck. The guy, did you see the video i'm talking about no the girl uh she first of all like the whole family's there holding a banner that says like marry me so i don't think it was a surprise but i think they all like pop out and she gets down on one knee with the ring and he kind of puts his hands on his head like not like he was gonna say no but kind of like what the fuck and i feel like if you're gonna do that you gotta like i've had that conversation almost yeah because it is just such an inherently

male thing to do that he's probably planning and thinking about himself or maybe he's not it's a total surprise but i think that i don't think that's something you should surprise unless you're that type of couple like you're a very progressive couple and you use your you have different pronouns and you're all about that shit like you're a very progressive couple and you use your you have different pronouns and you're all about that shit where it doesn't matter i think otherwise like the guy is probably because you know what also that takes like the timeline kind of out of your hands you know what i mean yeah guys the the the pain in the ass for guys is that you got to buy the ring and all the money and the and the struggle and the setting like like planning and all that but

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jerseys because I saw our boy Dragonfly Jones tweeting about it. Tweeting about the Carmelo Anthony jersey, which was a heavy hitter in the jersey world. Tried to get Dragonfly on. I think he thinks I'm racist.

We used to kind of be friendly on Twitter, and then everything with Kaepernick popped off, and it was done. So he's a great follow, though, and I think he'd be a great podcast guest. But he was tweeting about top jerseys, and I think that the people, the Carmelo jersey. Are you a jersey guy?

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I mean, i kind of went through that phase and now it's tough to uh once you really age out of that as a white guy it's tough you know black guys can always kind of pull it off white guys you have a window where you're you're always an asshole but you're not a total asshole like if you're at an outdoor party you're in college you're at the, you can wear a jersey, whatever. But there was a few during my childhood that were like must-haves. So top five jerseys today. I know the Jersey Day community, the Glenny Balls of the world and the Coley's of the world, the people who get bent out of shape are probably going to have a lot to say about it. But guess what, motherfuckers?

That's the point of top five is internet interaction. So fucking yell at me all you want people i think i'm gonna be uh pretty good shade for you i think well at least kevin's not a total fucking moron well what would you start with number one pavel burry vancouver canucks that was your boy right even i knew that pavel burry i'm not even going to say the second guy. I know who your second pick is already. No? Because usually you mention Pavel with one other guy. But okay.

Pavel Burry on the Canucks. You've probably got to be the only person in the history of the world to draft that one. I would suppose so, yeah. The old school, by the way. The black Canucks jersey with the yellow font. If you showed me the Canucks jersey right now, no chance I would get it.

Oh, maybe, because they played the Rangers in 94, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's black, and the C is kind of like a tan-ish, orange-ish, brown-ish. No? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe I could pick that. It's black, orange, and yellow.

I could maybe pick that out. Pavel was one of the guys. Yeah. Oh, wait. I thought their thing was just a C. I never knew that giant Canucks thing. Well, I mean, it is now. Oh, so now they're New Jersey.

That's an old school Jersey. Hmm. Hmm. Okay. All right. For my first overall pick, I mean, I hate to do it. I mean, I can't really do it because – but I kind of have to do it. The reason why this even came about was I remember going to the NBA store when, when Carmelo got drafted just for that,

the baby blue and yellow. Really? Yeah. I obviously like, I'm not a bunch of basketball. I didn't realize he was like that. Well, that's,

that's why I wanted to do this. Cause like, I knew it was hot, but like seeing, I thought it was dope, but like seeing dragonfly tweeting about it and like everybody that kind of agreeing, I was like,

Oh wow. I didn't know it was like iconic like that either. But I went to the store. Um um he was talking about getting like the authentic authentic one i think i just got like the regular the swingman jerseys it's like 50 bucks whatever um but i got that with like a matching a matching denver nuggets the same color t-shirt because i was like i can't wear like just a jersey so then i was like am i really gonna wear a jersey over a t-shirt now i'm just super fucking lame you know what i mean but i like like the like you know he got drafted and as quickly as they got him in the store is when i first fucking bought it it was like i need to have that one that was probably the last jersey i ever bought because that was

like a little bit later like i was i was wearing jerseys when i like played basketball growing up and then like a little bit in through like high school like early college but that was what oh three draft he was in so that was probably the last jersey i ever like needed or wanted but that it's just a cool this that the uh i don't like this jersey at all the the the uh i don't like the colors i i really because usually like the like when it's too much the chargers have that same color scheme yeah look the Red Sox announced their alternate thing this year, everyone loved that color scheme. But that was like a marathon thing. Usually the blue and yellow plays in a major way.

I don't dislike. Let me amend that a bit. I don't mind it for professional athletes to wear. I think it's pretty cool. I think if I saw someone walking down the street in that, I'd be like, that jersey is just a little much to wear in public. That's like a regular Joe. Well, I have news for you about jerseys, my friend.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing with jerseys. But I think it also was, for me at least, if you're in the New York area, Melo winning the title with Kuse, he was kind of like the – he wasn't the LeBron of the draft. You know what I mean?

It was almost like kind of picking the not star of it all, even though that draft was stacked, obviously. But there was something to it being Carmelo on top of – if Darko went there, I don't think I'm buying a Darko question. You know what I mean? Melo was like that dude at the moment for around here. Number two for me is PJ Stock. Yeah, I was not going to get you a jerseys. The Bruins bear jersey.

The yellow one with a goofy little bear on it. These are probably the only two jerseys I've ever owned in my life. I'm out after this. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate the one. There's two ways you can do jerseys, is the ones you had and the ones you, you know, the ones you like or are memorable,

you know what I mean? Like, because I have, look at that. That is, that's just such a, that looks like Trig drew that bear, you know what I mean? That's like a fucking, a detailed cartoon bear. If you can find the bear itself, it looks like really high.

His eyes are just glazed over. I don't even know him a bear. What am I? Am I a bear? I don't even know him a bear. What bear am I? That is a stoned bear, bro. That is an absolutelyoned bear, bro. What is going on? That is an absolutely stoned-ass bear.

The one that was supposed to be down to the left, that one. That was a coked-out bear. I was like, what's going on, fellas? I'm a fucking bear! The other guy didn't know he was a bear. This bear is like, I'm a fucking bear! I would like three bowls of porridge, please. Just kidding.

I don't want any food because I'm on tons of cocaine. You're all safe around me. I am so far from hungry right now. All right. My two pick will be another memorable jersey I bought. When I was a kid, I found a Jason Kidd jersey on the Mavericks that was mispriced at Sports Authority. At the time, I was probably – when Kidd was on the Mavericks, I had to be like fucking like eight years old. I was a little kid.

So I had saved up like, I don't know, communion money and allowance money. So buying a jersey for like 40, 50, 60 bucks, wherever they were, was like a problem. It was like that was wiping me out for like a month. And I found a Jason Kidd jersey that had been mispriced. It said $15.99 on it. And it was a size like 54. It was huge. It went like below my knees.

It was like a goddamn dress. But I brought it up to the – it said Mavericks, not Dallas, but it was the blue. It was like – it wasn't the white one. And I went to the counter, and I was like, what do you think about this? And they were like, yeah, I mean, like it's – The price tag's there. We got to sell it, yeah. No other way to fix this.

I know. They easily could have just been like, sir, this is obviously mispriced. It's going to cost you the regular like $50. And I got it for like $15 and proceeded to wear a like goddamn dress around. I tried to tuck it in. I tried everything. The worst part when you wear a jersey that's too I tried to tuck it in. I tried everything. The worst part when you wear a jersey that's too big is not even the length.

It's the armpit scoop. It went down to my waist. Oh, you flashed nips all over the place. No, but it was flashing hip. It was ridiculous for me to wear that thing as a small little white child. So the kid Mavericks jersey. Wow.

I don't know. He hate me. That's a great one. That's a great one. If you rock a he hate me jersey right now, I'd be like, respect. Respect. I love it. He hate me was a cultural moment.

Yeah. Huge. Dude, you can say he hate me to anyone like our age, and everyone knows exactly what that means who he is I mean he got actually they don't

we don't know who he is we just know he's he no he got some burn in the NFL but who is he I mean oh I don't know that's what I mean

Rod Smart I would never yeah I actually now that I know it now that I hear it I knew it I would not have known it but yeah he definitely

like he played like wait click that link found safe after what did he go through some like scary traumatic shit? Yeah. Rod Smart found safe after being reported missing? Jeez.

Guy was just trying to run away a little bit. I'm an adult, man. Don't ever report me missing. I'm not missing. I just don't want to be around you. He hate me. Wow. He was like the first dude to do that, that charge at each other for the kickoff too, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first XFL was a fucking circus for like one week or the buildup really, you know? I'm going to go third pick. Football is insane. You just can't make it work. You can't make any other league work. Every other sport has like minor leagues and different leagues. Well, but minor is different.

No other league has a competing professional. Right. That's why the UFC is so impressive to me, because it dethroned boxing. Different sport, but similar sport. There will never be a true other professional league, I don't think. No, that's fair. That's fair. You know? Yeah. But just minor's fair. That's fair. You know?

Yeah. But, like, just, like, minor leagues. Have a minor league. Right. Yeah, that's the way to do it. How can you not make a minor league NFL league? Yeah. Well, it's just college, I guess, you know?

Yeah, but, like, I don't know. Like a pro. If you could just... Almost like the G League. They're now getting high schoolers. Yeah, the G League is, like, the only... I don't know if it's G League, but whatever league it is. G League, G League, whatever it is.

It's, like, now getting some names. Yeah. But, like, no one's I don't know if it's G League, but whatever league it is. G League, whatever it is. It's like now getting some names and like, but like no one's ever going to really buy tickets and like be, you know, it's not going to be a thing ever. I think if you get enough names I guess. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I'm going to go with the the throwback Astros jersey. Oh, just

no one in particular? Yeah, no Ryan. The no Ryan Astros the jersey that I feel like at the time were probably regard i mean that's like so like 70s and 80s just like loud weird technicolor type shit but uh the i feel like the throwback of that was like like i think there's probably a period of time where that was regarded as absolutely gruesome and then it came back around yeah that's fucking that is just how it works. Look at that thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Or maybe a Bagwell, you know, depending on who you are, depending on who you are and what you're doing, maybe wear a Bagwell jersey. Man, if that guy wants to bring the house down, you should go to the barstool 500 wearing a Bagwell jersey. That would be an internet moment. All right. I'll go.

I see the five. I'll go. I see the five. I'll go Nomar. Sox, Nomar jersey. Sox have never changed, right? I mean, they've done little things here and there, but no. I think it's pretty. They've had the same logo, just the B, right? Forever?

As far as I know, there was a time I think there was Sox. There was a Sox up there. I don't know. Not in my lifetime. But like an alternate. The logo has always been like the B, right? Yeah, like Ted Williams wore like that. I don't think you can change.

There are certain teams you could never change, right? Like Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers, probably have had the L.A. forever. Yeah. There's not much you could really do there. I'll go with my fourth pick. Yes. I'll go with the T-Mac Raptors jersey. That's a good one.

The purple with the Raptor dribbling. I mean, that is just when they debuted the Raptors and the Grizzlies, and the Grizzlies had just like a big grizzly paw, and it was teal, and the fucking Raptors had a purple dinosaur playing basketball. And again, at the time, I think we were all like, what the fuck is this shit? Those are some 90s-ass jerseys.

Yeah, and now it's like, you know, you see a guy wearing that. Again, it's like, oh, respect. But again, or Vince Carter. I'd probably go T-Mac, but Vince Carter. I like Vince Carter better, but I feel like T-Mac is more like the jersey that people think of with the Raptors. I don't know. Probably a coin flip, but Vince Carter. I like Vince Carter better, but I feel like T-Mac is more like the jersey that people think of with the Raptors.

I don't know. Probably a coin flip, but. All right. Number five is going to be Sergey Samsonov Bruins jersey. I don't even fucking know. I don't even know that guy. Not the yellow one. This would be the black one. Oh, okay. Now I was going even know that guy. Not the yellow one. This would be the black one.

Oh, okay. Now it makes – I was going to make fun of you for the yellow one, but now the black one is – now it makes sense. No Tuka Rask, no Bergie, no – That's not kind of the spirit of the game. You're not really picking carton players. No, sure, but I mean – but no, I mean, if you pick Bergeron, I mean, you guys talk about him like he's Brady, you know?

And no Brady, by the way. Yeah, Brady, a red-pats Brady. I'm surprised you guys didn't. I'm surprised you wouldn't pick a Tampa Bay Brady. I'm actually surprised you didn't pick all five Brady. Like, away Brady, home Brady, Bucks Brady. Silver Brady. Silver Brady.

There's an early dozen of guys that were in silver sometimes. Yeah. Gruesome. Gruesome. Yuck. Yeah. That was probably why they won titles, is they changed that's when we're in silver sometimes. Yeah. Gruesome. Gruesome. Yuck. Yeah. That was probably why they won titles is they changed that.

Like, get away from that. But they just altered it because, like, that was, that was, I think, Robert Kraft said that. We're like, they were going to keep that jersey as long as Tom Brady was there.

Like, that jersey was always going to be the Brady era. Brady jersey. Yeah. He just happened to stay there for decades. Yeah. He's like,

we can't change with the times until this guy's fucking dead. All right. my last pick. I'm waffling between. I love the old Magic jerseys. I would love a Penny. A Penny Hardaway number one pinstripe. I love the Rodman 99 or any of the Bulls with the pinstripes.

I love the Nuggets old one. Pull up the Nuggets with the skyline. Do like Nuggets skyline jersey. That's like multicolor. Like a Dikembe Mutombo. That's another Nuggets one on the list there. It's not black though, but yeah, like similar with that. Yeah, the white one.

It's like a white. The one where it says like the middle. That one,'s just ridiculous sick yeah that so i if i'm picking what i personally like remember and liked it would be the magic but for the sheer just jersey of it all give me a dikembe matumbo red white yellow blue green nuggets skyline with the mountains in the back. That's so fucking dope. That is really dope. And again, I don't think it was respected at the time.

And then in hindsight, imagine designing that. Like, yeah, we'll put the sky. Look at that. That's so awesome. With the 55 up top. Yeah, that's the one for me. Honestly, that could have been my number one pick. All right, so top five jerseys, any sport, any player.

Actually, now seeing Josh's shirt, I actually did have an Iverson Georgetown jersey. I had a Ewing Georgetown jersey, and an Iverson one. Iverson is a great call. Iverson's like the Sixers uniforms, especially when they were black and the gold era. Not great. I don't care for any of the designs, but just an Iverson jersey. Iverson was just that dude.

He is fucking... Iverson was probably the only basketball player where I was like, I paid attention to. I mean, it's just absurd to be five, realistically 10, a buck 65 and win the MVP and take your team to the finals. Like, absolutely.

And then, I mean, like they, they won that. They just won that one game in the finals against the Lakers, but he did the step over on, on Tyronn Lue. And it was like that one game. And that one moment is like better than the winning the ring.

You know what I mean? It's like, I remember that everyone was like, this is going to be a sweep. And then the Sixers won that game. And I was like, yeah, it is going to be sweet. Cause they, I mean, she was so, I is going to be a sweep. And then the Sixers won that game. And Iverson was like, yeah, it is going to be a sweep.

And then they got their doors blown off. Whatever. Awesome moment. So yeah, Iverson. Yeah, there's certain guys where the player supersedes the jersey. And then other guys where the jersey doesn't matter what name is on the back as long as you have the jersey. So let us know your top five jerseys.

Do our voicemails. They're brought to you by... Who was the other guy you thought by the way messier yes yeah i do i actually do have a messier jersey very small but i won it in that series and what oh you mean you won it like my grandfather yeah you always uh all right voicemails today are brought to you by light boxer you want to get in shape you want to learn how to throw some hands. You want to learn some fisticuffs.

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It's awesome. They should have put, like, a little robot face. It's like, hello, Michael. It's like, fuck you, robot. One you could fucking alter. Yeah. Put other people's faces on it. Jackie, write that idea down.

That's a good idea. Lightboxer, come out with customizable punching pads. You could put, like, all your ex customizable punching pads. You can put all your exes on there, put your boss on there, put Feidelberg's case's own face on there. You can just beat up whoever you want. It is shocking. I'm someone who, I always say I don't sweat.

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a Navy recruiter wanted me to go live on a submarine and try to map the ocean floor. I don't know if you want to see my mental health history because, yeah, anyway. Just wanted to clarify that and maybe you could revisit the question. But anyway, take care. What? Do I want to see your mental? Absolutely not. Oh, he wasn't talking to us. He's talking to the Navy guy, I think.

I don't know what that was. Play it one more time. I don't think so. I don't think we need to. There was no question or anything. Nope. He was just clarifying something about a last voice.

Why did the Navy offer him a job? Like, what kind of Navy? Let me tell you something. The Navy must be down bad. The Navy is scraping the bottom of the, they're going to the bottom of the ocean for these fucking guys. He's like, when I was a shithead in college looking for a job,

it made it seem like it was a summer job. I don't remember the first voicemail he left, but we were shitting on his voicemail, and he just wanted to call to clarify. I didn't do. I would not have recommended that. He sounds like Buster Bluth talking about Army. So I played Navy.

I went to Navy for the summer. Navy wanted me to map. I don't even know the Navy mapped ocean floors. I mean, I guess that makes sense. It makes sense. They probably do most of the ocean stuff, but I don't know. I figured their attention would be elsewhere. Like the fucking aliens that live in the ocean now.

Yeah. That's the new theory. It was that video. Well, one of those videos shows the UFO, UAP, just disappearing into the water. Oh, really? It's on the horizon, and it just goes under, then kind of comes back, then goes under again. So people are thinking that the aliens are just straight up in the ocean, and they've been here the whole time, which would be a cool twist. It'd be kind of some War of the Worlds shit, like, yeah, we've been here the whole time just waiting for you.

That would make sense. I can't now decide if everyone being like, no one's talking about the aliens is talking about the aliens. You know? Yeah. If we're all talking about no one's talking about the aliens, we're all talking about the aliens. But it's also like we're still not, really. If you're still talking about – I hate these people who are like – like they just keep moving the goalposts, you know? It's like, I need a picture.

It's like, well, here's the picture. Well, it's not clear enough. It's like, well, if I give you a crystal clear picture, you'd probably be like, well, I need to see the inside. And then it's going to be, you need to see the people. It's like, I don't. See, I don't. And I think maybe it's just because I've always just believed in aliens and accepted the fact that they're almost certainly a reality. There's such a difference between a reality and being out there or being like organisms or being like things that get in aircraft and fly

here. That's a huge difference. Yeah, but it's like I see them and I'm like I'm like, yeah. You think that there are smart beings, superior beings that have flown here, like no doubt about it. There are obviously doubts, but I see it and I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. That's probably what I thought.

It's almost like... But you're not saying like, I don't believe it. I see it. I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. Probably what I thought, you know, it's almost like, but so, but you're not saying like, I don't believe it. I need to see better. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, That's what I mean. The people who are like, but it's also, I mean,

I would argue with justice bags. I'm like, well, I don't really care. Like it's, yeah, I knew that. Right on brand.

But like the people like who are this, I just don't get how it doesn't move the needle that the, when the fucking governments, like we don't know what those are. I think that is absolutely wild. I think it's crazy. I need to see better pictures. Why? No.

Also, I love that. They're like, how do we not have, like, better footage of it? And in the same breath, we're telling you that it goes, like, 50,000 miles per hour and turns on a dime and, like, can disappear in an instant. And you want me to snap it with my perfect camera? Why do you only have radar footage? Because we can only capture it on fucking radar, man! Sorry I didn't just have my camera ready

to snap this thing that was moving in a way that defies the laws of physics as we know it. Sorry I didn't get a good gram photo. You fucking assholes. If I was the government, I'd come out and be like, fuck you guys. We're just trying to tell you there's aliens and you won't listen.

Next up. What up, boys? Kevin, Fights, whole crew, producers. Long time, first time. So I saw this TikTok and I was listening to the Cure the Cancer with the dick episode the other day so I got a would you rather for you guys would you rather be able to snap your fingers

and relive the experience of enjoying something for the first time so you can watch a show for the first time um get the feeling of like a blowjob again you know tasting of food for the first time or be able to cure disease like a big one just one so like aids cancer or heart disease but here's the thing though the whole world has to know what you choose so if you go with the first one all those people with aids like know you fucked them over. I mean, that's... To me, that's the huge X factor there. I think I would cure the disease. I think I'd do them both anyway. But on top of it, it's like, dude,

you wanted to taste hot dogs for the first time, so me and all these children are gonna die? You're an all-time villain. Mark Shkreli got trouble for fucking doing something like all pharmaceutical companies do, just because he was perceived as killing people. If you were just like, I could fix you, but I want to be able to watch Breaking Bad for the first time ever. Oh, my God.

You'd be an all-time villain. I actually don't think I'd even like we talk about it a lot, but in theory, I don't think I'd like it in practice. To be like, okay, I'm going to snap my fingers again. I forget all of Breaking Bad. I'll just rewatch it. I don't know. I mean, I get the notion of like. I definitely get rewatch it. I don't know. I mean, I get the notion of like... I definitely get the notion,

but I don't think I'd actually want it. I'd lose it all that much. I'd be scared that it's going to fucking... Be permanent. Wipe out more. Wipe out the whole brain. And also, but like... Yeah, like it is...

If you could men in black one thing out of your brain, what would it be? I'm not saying to relive it. I'm saying to not relive it. To not have it in your brain what would it be not not not i'm not saying to relive it i'm saying to not relive it to not have it in your brain oh you know that list is much longer that's what i mean narrow it down though like you know is it uh is it is it you know you call like christmas or is no fuck no it would be something happy, probably. I think all of those things are beneficial to my career. I know what I would do.

I would erase the Simp story you just told me. It's that upsetting. I'm going to have to go to sleep going, man, my best friend is pathetic. And I don't want to feel that. I would erase your memory. I would erase you crying at Miracle. Simp and ain't easy. Simp squad, baby!

Should we make a Simp and ain't easy shirt? Or I've been simping since simping was simping. We might need to make some simp shirts. Let's make the simp line. I like it. We got it. We got it, man. There would be two people on the planet that wear it

imagine paying money for simp clothes listen anybody out there with a good sense of humor and a healthy dose of self awareness they'd rock a simp shirt

show up to the party like much like being the asshole wearing the jersey at the party you wear a simp shirt you're all fucking simps everybody's a simp

everybody simps for something somehow someway you know y'all simp for a woman everyone simps for a woman everybody does simp shirt? You're all fucking simps. Everybody's a simp. Everybody simps for something somehow, someway. You know, you all simp for a woman. Everyone simps for a woman. Everybody does simp for a woman. You simp one way or another. You can even be like, you can not even be like a sad little simp, but you're still simping. Yeah.

You're still doing, anytime, in my mind, anytime you do something that you wouldn't ordinarily do for a girl or a guy, even for sex or whatever. It doesn't have to be for love. It could be like, I want to fuck that girl or that guy, so I'm going to do X, Y, Z, and you're simping. Yeah. Dude, bro, I go up and text me right now that she doesn't feel well, and I get her soup on the way home. I'm going to get that soup. Simp. I mean, you could also say that's just being a nice, caring person.

That could just be you're helping the person you're in love with. In my mind, it's simping, Kevin. I was talking to – hang on. Let me see if I can find this before I bring this up. I was talking to Raina from Girls Gotta Eat. It was just like men will let you do literally the worst shit on earth to them if you do some weird-ass slut stuff in the bedroom. You're right.

You're right. You're right. So one thing you can erase, you can't erase anything. I honestly don't think I'd erase anything. I like my mind the way it is. Because it's a dangerous practice. It's a fucking house of cards in there it's a fine one and i who knows what's gonna happen yeah yeah yeah like what what what changes me right i yeah like like if you took away one of your like you know simp moments and all of a sudden you're like a confident guy or

something that's that's some twilight zone shit where Zone shit where you make a wish and it comes true but you don't think about the consequences. Where you're like, oh, I wish to get rid of this one thing in my brain and now you're like a miserable... Yeah, you're successful and you're like a millionaire but you're miserable. I'm honestly trying to think. I can't think of anything like...

Oh, man. Probably that one time I looked at my own asshole. I would erase that. I'd erase you telling me that. I think I would genuinely erase you telling me when that poop fell out of that girl's ass in New Orleans. It didn't. She just said don't. Oh, okay. It's in my mind that poop fell out of that girl's ass in New Orleans. It didn't. She just said don't. Oh, okay.

It's in my mind that it came out. No, she said don't let your dick fall out of all shit. Awful. Sounded just like me right now. All right, last voicemail. It's a woman who has a pack of Winston's for breakfast. She's like. Alright, last voicemail. It's a woman who has a pack of Winsons for breakfast. What's up, KFC fights, Nick,

Jackie, BC, if you're out there. Just thinking about shit after listening to the episode where KFC kind of talks about how we follow guidance no matter what Casey kind of talks about how we follow guidance no matter what. He's talking about how

you know what, we follow the lines on the road, we follow red light, green light, and I was just thinking about it, it's like, what other shit do you really think about that we follow without anybody else

telling us? The only thing I can think of was how every artist rhymes. Straight up. It could be the hardest metal group in the world. They're going to rhyme when they're singing. Or the hardest rapper in the world. They're going to rhyme when they're singing. Or the hardest country artist.

They're going to rhyme. they sing. Or, the hardest country artists, they're going to rhyme. So what else do we do? I was going to keep new genres. Yeah. Jesus Christ, pal. There's two different things there. Like I say, the fact that everybody will just follow.

They stop when the light is shining red instead of green. People like, you know, for the most part, you don't just like, I don't know. If you don't like somebody, you don't just like fucking walk up to them and like punch them in the face. There's like certain rules of decorum. And then there's things like music is just like, yeah, we just rhyme. Or even like the way people play instruments and stuff it's all kind of generally the same idea you just kind of fall in line with with a lot but

that that one's a little weird because like that's what sounds the best but why why does like why i don't know why sound you know there's different types of voices but why when i go like oh does that sound terrible and your version sounds better to ears. Why is one thing considered pleasurable? It's like, this is a book I was reading, I was talking about piano. If I just go up to the piano and just bang on it,

you'd be like, oh my, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Yeah, I was reading a book. What book were you reading? It was, what's it called? I don't even know the name of it.

It's a stupid book. It's not like I was reading an intellectual book. Something like Riche. No, no, no. It's still an adult book. It was in the Da Vinci Code series. It was like those books. Oh, okay.

You were reading this recently? Yeah. Was it Angels and Demons? No, it's called Origins. Origins, yeah. And he was talking about it's all about like uh the order of life and science and religion everything falls into order and like chaos versus order and like bang on a piano and you hate it like play it in a melody and it's like

you're amazing but it's still just hitting things making noise and why and his point was that humans need order like you need things to be we We are predisposed to like things organized, like things in order, whether it's sounds or sights or whatever. That's why when you clean up, it needs to look a certain way and all that kind of shit. These are high thoughts. It is all fucked up.

Did you see Chrissy Edibles on his Patreon? No. He just pops some edibles and does an episode on his Patreon. And on Instagram, there's a highlight reel of it. And at one point, he's so fucking stoned. His eyes are so stoned. Like, Jasmine's yelling at him, and he's in trouble in the back.

And then he just goes, how do you throw out a garbage can, man? And I just lost it. How do you throw out a garbage can, man? And I just lost it. How do you throw out a garbage can? They would never pick it up. They would never put it in the truck. They would never, ever throw it out. You'd have to leave a note that says, this is garbage, please take it.

They would never take it away. Can't throw out a garbage can. She's right. And I was completely sober laughing, and I was like, oh, my God, if I was high when you said that, I would collapse. I would hyperventilate and die. I would laugh so hard. How do you throw out a garbage can, man? So good.

All right, Ryan Long is here, speaking of good. Ryan Long, funny fucking comedian from Canada. He came over to America in the middle of the pandemic. So kind of the pandemic so kind of the worst case imaginable for a comic trying to make it and yet he's still making waves uh on instagram and now he's back in the clubs he's like canada's band margera he's like a jackass uh he's the man he really is he's a he's a musician at heart funny ass guy great personality came in he also did answer the internet which we are trying to ramp back up so uh go to answer the internet on youtube and subscribe if you hadn't we're going

to start uh replaying some best out of episodes and some compilations and whatnot to try to get that channel back up and running and then we're going to be able to every every day going forward we'll have best clips and stuff nice we already have them loaded scheduled so at least once a day you'll be getting like one of our heavy hitters. Oh, phenomenal. So Answer the Internet's back, folks. You can download the app today. It's Answer the Internet's in the store.

You can also just buy the physical card game. The YouTube series is back up and running. So soon enough, we're going to have Ryan Long. We'll have Soder and Gillis. We got Nikki Cass. We got a few people already doing it and a few more lined up. So ATI back let's talk to Ryan Long

here on KC Radio let's get into it Ryan Long's here it's the summer time basically it's fucking it's too hot I'm already done when is the weather gonna get cold again you're sweating your fucking tits off you guys don't go live do you

so you can say whatever you know, whatever you want. Drop all the racial slurs you want. Yeah, bleep out those N words. Yeah, I feel like – you a shorts guy? Shorts? Yeah, do you wear shorts? No. Yeah, it's not cool to wear shorts.

You're too cool to – you're straight up too cool to wear shorts. I was that – I felt like I tried. Last year, I remember we had this argument. I was like, yeah, I don't do shorts. And I was like, I'm not cool enough to not be a shorts guy. So I'm just going to with shorts. I was that – I felt like I tried. Last year, I remember we had this argument. I was like, yeah, I don't do shorts. And I was like, I'm not cool enough to not be a shorts guy, so I'm just going to wear shorts. See, that's – That I look like ridiculous. But that's the – that's not cool.

And I've done the same now where I've just kind of – I used to be a non-shorts guy probably until two years ago, three years ago. And now I'm just like, whatever, baby. It's about comfort. And like – We look disgusting. That's the flip. But there's a way to make them work. Like for me, you've got to go with short shorts. Like that's the – Yeah. That's the –. But there's a way to make them work. For me, you've got to go with short shorts.

I definitely can't pull that off. The short shorts are getting crazy. They're like a three and a half inch inseam. My dick would be hanging out the fucking bottom. If Gavin wore short shorts, the police would be called. I mean, if I had that exposed, you're much better. Get the fuck out of here. I have a tattoo at least, so it's's pink. I forgot about your stupid tattoo.

I have a tattoo at least, so it's alright. I got a good 69 on the ankle. This is a sour patch kid that was done in this office. Did they trace it? Yeah, it was traced, but it was by a guy who's never given a tattoo before. Yeah, that's incredible. I got two of those.

My cousin, he got a tattoo gun and we were like blasted at Christmas. And I kept telling my mom, I was like, let's get a tattoo of mother, and that'll be your Christmas present. She's all like, don't do it. I'll show you guys. I think it's on this side. Can you see it? On the shoulder?

No. No, no. You don't even know where your mom's tattoo's at? I don't think it's there. Are you making this up? Nothing. There's a boat. A boat.

It said mother. Oh, okay. I was looking for just to say mother. I was like, bro, there is no mother. Wait, see how bad that tattoo is? Dude, he never gave me a tattoo. That's better than I thought that would be. For someone who's never given a tattoo, that looks like a –

I mean, I knew it was a boat. I could tell it was a boat. I don't even think he's ever done a drawing before. I got a tattoo done during the pandemic just for like – honestly, I got like a month into the pandemic, and I was like, I'm getting a tattoo gun. Fuck it. You got a tattoo gun?

Yeah. I got one. That was his big like pandemic thing was like, we're going to get drunk and do tattoos. And it's only happened once. But I got – and I was actually almost did it the other night, and I could – I must have lost, and I lost a piece of it. So I used this tattoo gun now.

But I went on Amazon. But it also was like $60. Just buy another one. Yeah. It was like $120, and I was like, this is the expensive one. And I thought it was weird that the expensive tattoo gun on Amazon is $120. I would have guessed like a grand. Well, I made that joke a couple times, and then someone just looked it up, and they're

like, dude, they're like $5,000 tattoo guns. I just love the idea of people being like like how's your pandemic not good you show up like tattoos on your face like yeah i'm not great i'm like that guy i went through a thing i got a forked tongue forked tongue my eyeballs are tattooed yeah you're like it wasn't a great pandemic uh things got a little weird What's your worst tattoo? I mean the boat's pretty bad 69's pretty bad Well the worst tattoo I had a

See this right here Which is my second worst tattoo Underneath it's my worst tattoo My dad once Tells a story He was in the In the chair About to get a

Spider web on his face Like a full fucking spider web. Your dad's fucking that guy? Apparently. That guy probably smokes so many cigarettes. Oh, yeah, definitely. You in the car, hot. How about this, though?

Smoking a New Jersey December. No filter. He just snips off the filter. He doesn't, to my knowledge, though, have any tattoos. But the one he almost got was the spider web. Was he in the chair getting it? He said he was, like, sitting there, like, let's do it. His wife walked in.

Somebody with cooler heads prevailed and was like, don't do this. He did crazy shit. Was he trying to get in with a gang? Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Was this an initiation of sorts? Did you also, like, cut someone's face with a box cutter, dad? Did you have mean, that's the thing. Was this an initiation of sorts? Did you also cut someone's face with a box cutter, Dad?

That's not my gang love. Yeah, well, does his dad have a spider web tattoo? Kevin's dad's one of the most interesting people alive. He lived in the woods in Pennsylvania and had a pet monkey. A pet monkey that his neighbor's dog ate. For the longest time, I was convinced he fucked Sharon Stone because she went to high school with him before she was famous. But your dad waves it off? That's our jelly?

Yes. Dude, yes. My dick was already fucking sore that day. I learned just like this past year because I was like – I was having a talk with him because he doesn't – he's not – he is the least technologically savvy guy. So he wouldn't even know how to find the podcast. Rarely listens to us. And I told him, like, I was like, just so you know, like I very regularly talk about you fucking. My mom listens to Barstool nonstop.

Yeah? What? No. There's a couple moms here and there who do. Is she playing beer fucking pong right now? We got a couple moms here who do listen and stumbled upon this, and, like, we told the employee here, here, tell your mother to stop right now. Not this show.

If you listen to the college football show, don't listen to fucking our show. Sorry, I know I interrupted you. But yeah, then I brought up the Sharon Stone thing. And he was like, no, it actually didn't happen. And I was like, damn, what are you doing? Why didn't you? And he was like, because it's pretty cool to say you turned down Sharon Stone. I was like, damn, dude.

I'd rather get fucking deep in Sharon Stone. And your dad had the foresight to know like, well, that's famous. Yeah. I'm like, you're saying that now. He just turns away everyone just in case.

Yeah. But I never had sex in my life, but I turned down all the Hollywood stars. Yeah, but when she goes to Hollywood, just, just in case. Dad,

she's a fucking disgust. She's a barista that's a six. You never know. Looking for our next Melissa McCarthy. Anybody can pop off on TikTok. This body positivity movement popped off your dad. It's going to be pretty cool

pretty soon. Dude, he told me he went to school around here, so I think it was the Throg's Neck Bridge. Him and his gang. I think he ended up backing out of it. Yeah, he went rolling with around here, so I think it was the Throg's Neck Bridge. Him and his gang. I think he ended up backing out of it. He went rolling with the gang.

Switchblade gang? Probably. Ripping cigs with spiderweb tattoos, knifing people. Just dipping. They climbed to the fucking top of the bridge, that main bridge bar, and they repelled down and painted a gigantic 76 for class of 76. Like a fucking

I saw a picture of it. It's huge. It probably had to be like 30 foot numbers. And they were just like tying off with like a rope. This is our bridge now. I'm the captain now. It was like the one thing he like didn't do. He was like the tattoo and the bridge thing I bowed out on.

I did everything else. Yeah, I guess my dad's most- That's why he had to get the tattoo. His most famous things are saying no. I was like, what'd you say yes to, bro? But he was going to do over the- That's not even a thing. Yeah, I guess it was supposed to be the center and then kind of like-

The center? Yeah. That's amazing. That's a wild tattoo I mean that's a life ruiner That's it You're done You don't get a job

You don't get a girl Or I guess you You get very specific jobs And very specific girls Yeah But I'm not here My mom's not You get promoted

In a street gang Yeah You become like a drug lord You know Face tattoos and neck tattoos There's no such thing as middle class These days man That was so true

You're either like a famous rapper Or Like a billionaire These days though Like and think about in true. You're either like a famous rapper or a billionaire. These days, though, like, and think about in 10 years, like, I used to say when I was in Toronto, when I,

I got every tattoo I have before I was 22. So I've got a tattoo in like over 10 years. Were you over it? No, I just felt like I, this is the look I was going for.

Yeah, yeah, you achieved it. You've achieved your bottom. Yeah, I don't know, I got them all, like, I kind of, I didn't want to have full sleeves. Like, I thought this looked cool, but that's what I was saying. I go, at the Like, I kind of, I didn't want to have full sleeves. Like, I thought this looked cool.

But that's what I was saying. I go, at the time, I was like a guy with a lot of tattoos. And in Toronto, now I'm a guy with a really average amount of tattoos. Like, where I was from. Like, it's switched. So the neck tattoos now, I think in, like, in 10 years, you're going to go to your doctor's office. He's going to have, like, a stethoscope on his neck. Right, right.

All of that shit, whether it's tattoos he's gonna have like a stethoscope on his neck all of that shit whether it's tattoos sex tapes like wild stories i feel like everything is gonna be like yeah you're your average dude i think so at all yeah i remember there was this was years ago this is probably at least my girl ex-girlfriends probably like 10 years ago i saw an onion article and the onion the article was like all presidential candidates from 2040 something on have just lost eligibility because of facebook and i think the exact opposite is going to happen we just don't give a shit about it right if everybody's done blackface if everyone's done the sex tape if everyone's done this then you're all back in i mean what's the other option i mean i'll tell you one thing is like those places are falling apart because

no one wants to go there. It's like, dude, I get, you know, places all the time where they're like, hey, you want to, you know, have a meeting with this place? And I was like, why? So I could like try really hard to get a job that will ruin my life. I've seen this play out before. You know, I was a fucking wild guy. You know what I mean? I go, those places just aren't for me anymore.

And then if you kick out all the wild people, what do you get? You turn your thing into like a fucking bureaucracy and your shit sucks. Right. You need the wild guys. You need some of those people. Especially in like this kind of shit. We had a guy here who was an intern almost like seven years ago, ten years ago, whatever. And he got caught up in this very infamous Barstool storyline where he illegally downloaded

like a torrent of porn at work. Okay. And so we got a letter. What do you mean illegally? Oh, because Tor just- Yeah. And it was supposed to pay for porn. It downloaded the full Pirates 2 statement.

Didn't he read the thing that says it's illegal? Disclaimer, you're not supposed- I always get there and I go, oh shit, I didn't like that. So we got an email from Comcast being like, you're, I don't know, being sued or fined or some shit for illegal downloading. Barstool. Yeah. At the time, we were like very, very much, much smaller. And so Dave and everyone else is kind of grilling everyone in the office like, who was it?

You had a whodunit? For like three weeks. He had a single light bulb. He was grilling them like it was an interrogation. So this kid, he denied it, denied it, denied it. Finally caves in. He becomes known as Pirate Simon because he downloaded pirate porn. Fast forward to like modern a couple of days, a couple of years ago.

He got a job and like they looked it up, found it, and like they rescinded the offer because. Come on. And that's like I've downloaded porn before. Fire everybody. Yeah. Right. Fire fucking everyone. You got. Yeah. Right. Fire fucking everyone. Yeah, come on, man.

Like, that can't be the bar. That's your dad comes in and they find out it was a bridge thing. They're like, we can't have you here, but we are offering you the job as a president. We didn't know you were so sick. We honestly. Those are the guys you want, right? You're so fucking dirty. Those are the dudes who are fucking.

They're a G. That's the guy I want running the country. That's the guy I want to be the CEO. Dude, I agree. Yeah, so many people. So I think, yeah, so many people. So I think, yeah, it's like the gist right now. I think you guys are onto something where it goes one way or the other. Like, places like this where, you know, I guess you guys fire some people, but.

Like one person. What up, Francis? What up, Francis? That's really it. I had some beers with Francis last night. He's doing good. He's doing all right. But I think it's so funny when, like, Fortnite is always like, these fucking cancer cultures.

Francis is like, I mean. It is the single most hypocritical thing in the world. But Dave was also pretty honest about that where he was just like, yeah, I don't know. Other people I wouldn't have fired, but I fired Francis. Well, okay. He was just like, I'm blatantly unfair. I mean, that's Dave's thing. Yeah, okay Like I'm blatantly unfair Yeah, I mean who isn't a fucking hypocrite

It's like as soon as you're in charge of anything It's like even when you go Oh, you know everyone's censoring and then if you have a chat room that you kind of moderate and one guy is just like his whole Life is like trying to wreck your thing you go. All right enough of it For sure or a parlor so fast or parlor is like everyone can say anything and someone came in it's like i liked obama like band anyone can say anything for conservative people get the fuck out of here yeah i i don't think uh i i feel like dave i i feel like uh anytime you get in control of like something big too it's really easy to be like i would never do that

and then you have like a zillion dollar company and it's like well we're gonna lose all of our sponsors unless i fire you francis yeah i'm gonna fire you complicated yeah cut and dry and we're like who dude who that's i mean some people literally live like fucking you know christians or whatever you know christians for their cause where they're like, but anyone that isn't that, you're going to be a hypocrite. That's the situation. I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. Hypocrite is being an adult. How many dudes do you know that go, like growing up, where they go, I would never date a girl

that was like this. I would never date this. And you see them, that's their marriage. Their like wife is exactly that. And they go, yeah, I don't know. It just happened. Honestly, particularly with that, I feel like, I mean, I was one of them, but I know a ton of guys that were just like, yeah, and it just got away from me. Like, I don't know. I was dating her. Next thing I feel like I mean I was one of them But I know a ton of guys That were just like

Yeah and it just got away from me Like I don't know I was dating her And next thing I know I was married to her That happens a lot It's easy to be ideological When you're fucking 16

You know what I mean Then you just end up With some chick Who like Who is that Who's your wife I don't know Some chick who really wanted

Mason jars at the wedding She thought She thought it gave it a country vibe. You fucking kid. You catch me shopping for furniture? You put a fucking gun to my head, brother. Bro, it was my idea to go shopping for furniture the other day. I was like, I think we can use some new patio furniture.

Let's hit Soho. I'm doing that from my studio. I walk into a place and just like, hey, where do I get furniture? Are you the furniture store? I'd like some furniture. I'm just like an assortment of furniture. So what? You rent in space?

You buy in space? Yeah. That's always a good sign. I got like an apartment in the East Village that's just going to be. No, just for a studio. Right, right, right. That's what I mean though. It's just going to be – No, just for a studio. Right, right, right. That's what I mean though. It's not going to be like you're not living there.

No, I have a house. Imagine that's me saying like I got a studio. It's like also my bed's there. Also I have been living there. I live there. I'm turning my bathroom into a studio. I got a separate place, but I've had it for a month. And I literally go in and like dick around for a while.

And then I pull my phone out and look. I go, this looks like shit. And then I Google studios. Like I was looking at yours. I Google other places. I go, that's cool. I go, how do you like do a wall? I keep hoping to run Into someone

You know Because I don't know As many people in America Because I'm kind of new here But like I feel like in Toronto I would just tell everyone this And then eventually

Someone would be like You know I do that And I go You do it for me You're just waiting For your American I'll do that for you Yeah

We'll find one for you We honestly probably could Maybe even the fucking people Who just did this No I don't, I don't want your guys. I'm going to come back. I'll call my mom.

She's always looking for something to do. I'm going to do some fucking mini basketball matches and shit. You don't want a Barstool vibe. You're too cool for that.

I don't even want my vibe either. The thing is, I don't want it to look like a fucking band dressing room because that's what someone would look at me

and go, you have these skulls everywhere. This is corny, too. I'm fucking 35. That's the worst part about this, or really anything. It's like the worst part about asking someone what they do. Someone did it to me last weekend. I think someone asked what my podcast was

about. Just asking someone, be it through fucking actual action and decoration, or just through words, where you're just like, what are you all about? Yeah, explain to your work fucking my interests aren't shit I don't fucking know dude dare you interested me hey the guy so we're gonna well what are some things you like so we can put on the shelves yeah they did I remember them saying that like we need some things that like represent we can put them on the shelves. Get out of here. Go fuck yourself. They did. I remember them saying that. Like, we need some things that, like, represent you.

And I was like, I don't know. How do you put suicide on a wall, man? How do you put self-loathing into a fucking frame? That's the worst. How about put me in a fucking box and then you're such that box? Yeah. I'm just some band guy to you and they're like, do you do this? Yeah.

Do you do this? Do you like this? I go, I don't want to be. Damn it. Damn it. It's not your business if I fucking do that. It is. Just describing exactly what you are is just the meanest thing.

Well, it's so reductionist, too. Yeah, right. More than that. You know, he's one of those finance guys. Or something like that. It's like, yeah, I mean, he's a guy that works in finance. What's wrong with that? And you say one of those, and you just put that before anything.

It's the worst. He's one of those guys you just put that before anything it's the worst he's one of those guys that like cooks food for money a chef like that's a problem yeah i mean we get it with the sports shit all the time and like i mean at this point you know i think we each have like one team that we really root for but you know we're not like the sports guys anymore by any means but then it's sort of but then somebody sends a fucking painting of a hockey guy and a baseball guy. I'm like, oh, this is cool. But I'm like, what? I do feel like – you're not a sports guy, right?

Well, I played pretty competitive sports my whole life, but I don't follow it. I just feel like we both have over the years been like – unless you gamble because then you're always into it or if you went to a big-time college, you follow that alma mater. It just dwindles. It's just i can't i can't be like i do baseball for me is it so i'm a maniac but everything else is like some guys that are following eight things i go do you don't you have shit to do yeah well that's honestly the thing too that's why i hate that baseball is my thing too it's like 55 000 games this year that i'm supposed to fucking watch that's a bad one to follow. Yeah. And you're supposed to know stats. It's the worst.

It's like fucking six days a week. They're like, why weren't you watching the game? Because there's 200 more! I don't want to miss one. I watched like actually most of the Bruins game this year and even like,

I watched, they played 56, I would guess I watched mid to high 40s. Yeah, I mean. Even like professional sports people were like, well that's a lot right I'm like

oh I don't have to watch that many right okay I can cut back I was trying to be real yeah yeah that's why everyone loves fucking boxing because you go who are the two guys this guy yeah supposed to win he's the underdog you can just enjoy it yeah violence easy even basketball a basketball there's no helmets You go That's the guy That scores most of the points Like it doesn't take that long To fucking

Pick right up Yeah Basketball is probably The easiest Behind that line Three points Can't slap a guy That's it

Keep it moving I was trying to explain Baseball to my kids And I was like This game is fucking stupid Like it's dumb I mean again That's like

You say anything You just Like girls go Oh what You just like Hit a ball with all dumb You just Like girls go Oh what You just like hit a ball With a bat Yeah You could say this

About fucking Anything You know what I was having The conversation the other day Of like Kind of when girls Write off dudes That are like

Cocky or whatever Like that And I'm like I like that Okay there's No New York guys Is like a little more sad boy Yeah

Which is obviously cool I like the mix right But in the LA guys, they won't let you know. They're like, I'm killing it, crushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like,

in the right mood, I actually prefer that guy. And they go, you know, when you have a, I have friends in like, you know, where I'm from,

they're just like always like, they're always got some new, I'm fucking got this company, I got this, but they're never, it never works out. If I'd rather hear that than meet up with him,

he's like, things aren't going good, brother. I'm like, don't hang out with us. I like the hype man sometimes. That is true. You need someone gassing you up. That's why Spider's my favorite guy in the office.

What up, King? What's up, King? What's up, baby? How we doing today? Yeah, I think if you don't have some sort of balance of that, you do just end up in a spiral of depression. Yeah, and you guys obviously have a fucking good job and things are going good, so it's hard to go too deep into it. I think we always complain or, like, mope about things that weren't – the shit that I really am ashamed of and not good at, I won't talk about. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the shit I keep talking away. Cut the penis off. It's private. Me and my mother now. And his mother. Yeah, dude. Like, it's that old thing, but literally there'd be that thing where you go, fuck, I'd love this.

You have it? Like, day two, I go, okay, yeah, I mean, whatever. I suffer from that so much. It's impossible. like day two i go okay yeah i mean whatever i suffer from that so much if you know if you told me five years ten years fucking six months ago sometimes i'd be doing this yeah i would have been like oh i'm set nailed it i i've achieved all i wanted to achieve and now instead it's like okay what's next like great don't care new thing but that's why you're you know do good and that's why you keep having new properties for sure i think that's good like for professional success i don't know if it's great well the answer to that is i mean really

the thing is i think probably is to you still need to be like that but you need to just find a way to not to sort of at least a little bit enjoy the getting what you got no not even what you got the like pros the thing so it's like even like you're doing this podcast, like, enjoy, like, this is cool to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, I still want this other thing, but. Right, right. But when I'm doing this, I enjoy it.

Everything I'm doing isn't just for that. Right, right, right. Like, that's the product of it. I think that's probably to some degree the answer, at least for guys. Your main thing is you focus on stand-up, like, being on stage, doing it live, or are you more, like, focusing on internet now? Well, I kind of see. They all feed each other, so.

Yeah, yeah. I see stand up as the like the linchpin of everything. Right. Because it's like your business card. That's how I see. So it's when it's when stand up starts to suffer,

I watch everything else suffer with other people. So I'm very conscious of not. But it's again like then you work too hard on this and you go, okay, it's all like a, you know, the bottles

that you're filling them up and that one's empty and you fill the other one. Is that a thing? Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. I do know, but bottles that you're filling them up and that one's empty and you fill the other one. Is that a thing? Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. I do know, but it was a horrible explanation. You know, the bottles were big and you showed up.

But they're all leaking. But they're all leaking. Yeah. Exactly. So stand-up to me is like the linchpin. And even when you're not in the clubs, when I was in the pandemic not doing the clubs, I felt like when I was making videos I was losing my edge a little bit

and it's not even it's like it's real because if you do a joke in a club like every night for two weeks you're the final

you go you're not guessing where the lines are you go okay I know because people will be like how can you say that I go no I know because I've been

so I think the clubs keep you sharp on like understanding like the energy and stuff like that but all the all the parts go to each other. I feel like stand-up for you guys, podcasts used to help you sell stand-up tickets. Oh, for everything. But then stand-up helps you do good at stand-up.

That's the cardinal fucking, what do you call it? Complexity, but the thing is, how do you be a successful stand-up? Be popular in everything other than stand-up. Everything else, and drive. Yeah, but now I also feel like doing stand-up is almost like, and subscribe to my Patreon. It all kind of, you know, I think the internet kind of took over.

Yeah, you get to run your own little business. Your revenue streams a little bit, yeah. And it sort of moved together, because it was at the same time where the stuff we were talking about before, where the industry's becoming so unattractive, and also they don't kind of want wild dudes and stuff like that. And at the same time, everyone's figuring out how to run their own thing and all the fucking, you know, misfits or whatever in this thing. And that started to become more attractive.

And people are smart, you know, like dudes are fucking. OK, I can do, you know, watch the guys like Schultz and that. Like they're fucking running little umpires. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see like the matrix of it all. And then everyone looks at everyone else and you go, oh, yeah, I'll do – that's a good way to do that. Well, you hired a guy? Oh, I can hire a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it really does become – like that's why I was happy to hear that you're getting your own studio because I feel like that's kind of like you get a studio. You get a team. You have like a whole, you know, people underneath you. Are you going to try to do like, I'm always interested in when the idea of like, is the Netflix special still like the gold standard for stand-up people or is it like? I don't think so. I think they diluted that a lot. They kind of fucked themselves by giving everyone one. All those things.

If you look at fucking late night spots. Yeah, same thing, right? They used to be like, oh, this guy was on Kimmel. Now you see some guy and it's like, this guy was on, you know, whatever, fouling nine times in the city. And you go, this? You can't even. This guy sucks.

That is. Like, sometimes. I've been going to stand up pretty regularly. I've probably gone, like, not regularly to you, I'm sure. But, like, I've probably gone four or five times since clubs opened again. Which, to me, is like. For a normal person right those people go zero times right yeah like that's that's a pretty good amount for me and i have noticed that i've noticed two things actually one i noticed that like when someone is introduced it's like you've seen him on late night

and they're like there's like a well who the fuck hasn't been on that show like we're about to get a i think i've accidentally been on that show. Yeah, so that's just not the game anymore. But the other thing I noticed, and I could be wrong here, but it feels like everyone, if they don't do well, and I'm sure people aren't doing well because it's been, at least in New York City, it's been closed for quite a while and you're trying to get back into it.

Everyone is really quick To blame the audience Like really fast And they're just like Oh you guys are just Too fucking woke here tonight You And we're like

I don't know man Like that wasn't even An edgy joke Like you just That might be That might be what they're saying But in their head They're not thinking that

Yeah yeah That might be like A mechanism that they do On stage to like Like I'll try to get The power back The other night Last night I went

And four different comedians Were like Where'd you go? I was just at A prohibition comedy Oh yeah And I was at like The factory

And it was like Four different comedians Were just like This is the way it is guys And then there were other comedians Who were just fucking killing it Yeah And it's like

It's like well Not the crowd It's not Yeah Oh I'm sorry And they go The last three guys murdered Yeah

Dude This show just sucked dude It was after Francis Francis crushed the crowd yeah oh i'm sorry the last three guys murdered yeah it's like dude i don't just suck dude it was after francis doing francis crushed and then like this other guy came on and like he just wasn't that great and i think he's like he seems honestly pretty you know what the problem with the city is too so the i mean whatever everyone has their own system but like the city's practice like if you're doing it right and you really care about getting great, you come to the city to practice. But it is fun. Francis, all his boys are there, so you don't want to do bad,

so you end up not practicing. You have to fucking do bad. Anyone who's good can fucking kill. You know what I mean? So it's everyone shows up. Imagine you know how to do one pitch. You know what I mean? I'm going to use sports analogy.

Don't put us in a box, man! One pitch. No, but you know what I mean? You're like, I'm going to use sports analogy. Don't put us in a box, man. One pitch. No, but you know what I mean? You're like, this is my shot that I make every single time, right? And then you go, okay, you know what? I'm going to practice the other shot. And then all these fucking hot bitches show up in the stands. Yeah.

You know what I mean? My bread and butter. Yeah. So it's fucking, that's the thing. And especially me being kind of new here, when I first showed up, it was really putting a damper in my thing. So I had to find these little holes in the wall where it's like you're better than them even when you do bad yeah because if you're at the place and everyone shows up and you go ah i gotta do my like my yeah i was just talking about a scene like that i always felt

like so we we dabble doing like live podcasts and it's by no means stand-up but it's you know in the same clubs in the same spots and we try try to do a little bit of a different show. You know what the fucking needle in the groove is. Yeah. But at the same time, I'm trying to get better at it. I still get pretty nervous on stage. And I feel like when you see a new young comic who has a late spot, at least I as an audience member, I give them some slack. Or I'm like, yeah, they're new and they're coming up.

We got a big following already in this internet thing. So I think people have like an expectation. And I'm always like, well, if we like bomb in our version of bombing, like people expect it to be like Barstool funny. And it's like I almost feel like if you get big on the internet, can you experiment as much in the club? Because I'm like, your skits were fucking hilarious. But, you know, stand-up, because you were experimenting, you were trying, you were working out new material, but the bar is pretty high because they already know you.

Well, the benefit is that you don't have to explain who you are because they already know you. So for you guys, you might think they already like you, right? So you're already starting from they like you. And second of all, and this isn't everyone, some people, but first of all, most people have never seen this thing before. So a lot of people go to this thing and they go, oh, that's just what that is. Right. And then the third thing is I really think that because I've seen that too where you, like as a comedian, I'll see some guy that's a big internet guy and he does an hour and he kind of bombs. And I'm like, they must have hated this.

And everyone's like, that was so cool. Yeah. I'll feel that way. And then afterwards, don't you remember being a kid? And they're like, that was awesome, man. Right. Okay. I think it's cool to hang with yeah i remember i because i was like that when i was this is when

i was already like even popular from the music and stuff but when i was like 22 or whatever it was i remember because tom green was like my dude right yeah and i remember going to see him and he kind of just started doing stand-up and probably not nearly as good as he is like again now or whatever and i remember just being like so fucking sick dude like that lasted at least 40 minutes right like maybe after an hour you're like yeah okay but i honestly i was just left being like right you're sick that's so true so they just think it's cool yeah i also think it's something anybody who i i think it is the the craziest profession in the world would you guys I also think it's something anybody who – I think it is the craziest profession in the world with you guys too. I think it's fucking nuts.

And I think if you have like the balls to get on stage, I'm always just like, well. Yeah. There's a lot of fucking people here who would never dream of doing it. So like even if you're not great. And a lot of them shouldn't. Yeah, right. A lot of them are doing it. I think it's the one thing – we talk shit about athletes sitting at home fat slob.

I know. But I don't think – I i don't know do you do you think that happens in comedy yeah i do the same way though i'll be like what do these people fucking know and then i'll be like fucking lebron like i'm just yeah like in any other thing i'm watching like a movie and i make films even but like i'm watching some movie that's you know 100 million dollars and you're like it sucks yeah director the trash bin he's the guy you find the best in the world Yeah

So I'm like that With anything that I don't do Right Right Yeah But maybe You're just making people Not like

Live podcasts Because the amount Could very well be The amount of people That go to stand up See some crappy show And they go Oh I don't like stand up

Right Yeah Right The whole The whole fucking experience I wouldn't do I wouldn't do the same thing I'm not coming back to this It sucked Yeah I don't know stand up Right The whole The whole fucking experience I wouldn't do I wouldn't do the same thing I'm not coming back to this

It sucked Yeah I don't know what's some shit That I would never go to I don't know Like a fucking play or something Yeah well If I went and I was like

This is the worst thing ever I'd be Plays suck I wouldn't be like This plays suck It's like That's like going to a restaurant You eat one dish

You don't like it You're like Fuck all food I'm not eating food Ever again Who does that Eating food at a restaurant and you eat one dish, you don't like it. You're like, fuck all food. I'm not eating food. That's kind of dead. Who does that? Eating food at a restaurant? I can make macaroni at home.

Are you guys food guys? I'm always having that argument because I don't give a shit about that. I'm pretty largely just a sustenance. You're like me, trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll eat whatever. You fall asleep with fucking candy in his mouth. Yeah, I have.

Oh, this is the thing. Candy in his mouth. Legit. Come on. I have on the side of my sheets in my bed, I have fucking a pocket. He has pocket sheets. Cheat pockets. It's just a pocket.

On the fitted sheet, there's just a pocket. And every night, I fill it with Sour Patch Kids and peanut butter cups. It's funny because you look like a kid too. You have such youthful energy. You have a stickiness to you. I have a kid. I am often sticky. It's a funny dichotomy because he'll throw some fucking candy in his mouth.

Then he's got a fucking tobacco in there at the same time. You're like this old man mixed with this fat baby Yes the energy of like Everyone's like what did you do And he's like what but it was not that bad He's like I ate some of the cookies He's like don't tell anyone I actually don't know

Minor mischief Because I have I have a youthful energy But I also have an exceptionally old man energy Absolutely Old men have baby energy though You think so I have a youthful energy But I also have an exceptionally old man energy Absolutely Old men have baby energy though You think so If you get to like

You come back around You're right because I don't care Kids don't care about things Old men go back to being kids When he stands up and I do it too It's like All those weird noises and shit. But I was thinking about today as I was walking to work.

And it's busy. Like, New York City is busy right now. And, like, the streets are busy. Stores are open. And I was just like, thank fucking God I wasn't one of those people who wasted eight months, like, arguing about whether or not cities were going to be a thing at the end of the pandemic. Oh, I know. It's never coming back.

Like, everyone's going to move to Harrisburg and go to Applebee's for dinner. When you moved here, obviously, it picked a very bad time to move to New York. I went to Miami for two months during the pandemic. Were you ever considering like relocating permanently somewhere? Well, I was in the same studio as Andrew Schultz, so like I would talk to him for an hour and I would be like, oh yeah, I live here now. Yeah.

He'll get you the, he'll get you going. Like, I guess I'll live in your basement. Sure. Why is anyone living anywhere? Well, I,

I get hyped up too. There was a couple of nights where I was like, when I was like drinking or whatever. And then I was like, dude, we're packing the stuff up and call my landlord tomorrow. I wake up. I go,

yeah, we're not. We're not doing that. There are so many, there was, I was like, dude, we're packing this stuff up and calling my landlord tomorrow. I wake up. I go, yeah, we're not. We're not doing that. Dude, there are so many. There was. I was walking. This is probably this past weekend, maybe. I forget.

A couple days ago. And, like, I feel like the main people who left were kind of like the nerds. And they're fucking back. And I'm basing this on one exact interaction. I was going to say, you know one person who did this, right? Dude, I was. I was. So I was crossing the street. And I kind of just like, you know how, like did this, right? Dude, I was, so I was crossing the street

and I kind of just like, you know how when you cross the street you kind of just float out into the middle? Like, class. Just hoping the light turns and maybe you get clipped through the city for a million times.

It's how you assert dominance. Like, you kind of pass everyone. Like, you're the closest to the street. You know, thick glasses with your rod. But I ended up in the fucking bike lane. And some dude

On a scooter Who was in a suit and tie Which you haven't seen many of those in New York in a while And he had a suit and tie and a backpack And glasses on And he was all a 5 foot 6 And he goes Bad idea faggot

You didn't tell me that That's fucking unbelievable And I was like, and I was like, hang the fuck on a second, dude. And he just went zooming past me, and I was like, bro, I wanted to chase him down and be like,

listen here, if you hit me, you would have fallen off the scooter. I was not in danger. You were little, you were on a fucking scooter. That's a bad moment, Especially if you guys are in entertainment And people know who you are

That's like The first to be yelled at Dumped on by a scooter man Just being yelled on the street In the film It's like Oh I mean

It was said as it was passing I'm gonna try and do it with my Bad idea Bad idea Tag it I love this cat I love a little Like he looked like a

Fucking like Mormon from the future He had like Even his fucking His fucking Ben Shapiro His fucking posture Was too good

You ever see someone Like they almost look Like a dog Asking for a treat Like he was riding The scooter like this I was like I'm gonna kill

This mother Clearly it stuck with me. When did this happen? It was either Sunday or Monday. This has been eating at you for a few days now. I was intentionally saving. We haven't done a podcast in a while. I was trying to fucking save this show.

You know in MacGruber when he just writes the license plate down over and over and over again? You go to this guy's house. You should go back to that same block at the same time and just wait. Smelled out in candy. Oh, man. That is so funny. That's amazing. You don't hear that anymore either.

Props to that guy. He's letting it fucking fly. That's why I think we had an overcorrection with letting nerds do stuff. Absolutely. These fucking emboldened assholes. That kid's got a job now. He's a professional he wasn't just getting his ass kicked on the playground he played call of duty at home said racial slurs into a fucking microphone and his mom cooked him dinner and now we're like yeah you can be an adult that's not fair

wow man i got a fucking litany outside of my house with home. That's one of the things when I came back to New York, you go, yeah, it is better over there. Yeah, yeah. But outside my house, there's like a homeless East Village. And so there's the homeless guys set up, and they do their market or whatever, and it's not great. We play music. Prior to the pandemic, we called it the shantytown. They had right outside our building. And they had like a hierarchy.

There was like the queen bee. Yeah, some of these guys aren't even homeless. They go back to like their normal homes. What are you doing? They just got laid off. Their wife thinks they're at work all day. So they sell garbage. They sell literal garbage.

It's like, do you want to buy this mug for like 50 cents? They go around and look through garbage. Dude, one guy was selling warm bags of milk. We go, what is this? They blast music, right? So the funny part is... Why would someone buy that? I have no idea.

What the fuck? It's like a bar where they just want to say we're a restaurant too. Yeah, for some legal reason. But the bodega guy, he can't... You know,

this guy's literally... He pays three grand a month or whatever the fuck. For sure. They set up a tent now and they're pays three grand a month or whatever the fuck. For sure. They set up a tent now, and they're outside selling some of the same shit as him. Fuck that. And they do last music, but they play the same song

over and over and over again, right? Oh, my God. So he gets in a fist fight with the guy, the bodega guy. They get in, like, a huge fist fight. Only in New York, baby. Aren't you happy you came here? This is, by the way, let me tell you,

this is 2 a.m. on a Monday. Of course. And I went down, and I'm, let me tell you, this is 2 a.m. on a Monday. Of course. And I went down, and I'm that guy. I'm trying to level with him. I go, what are you doing, bud? Come on, guys. No, to the guy, I go, listen, no one likes you guys here, and you can be here all day.

No one's saying, but you're sitting here by yourself with a speaker blast. So I'm the dad now. I'm like, you kids, turn that shit down. Literally, but I'm like, what am I supposed to do? And they're like, bad idea, faggot! Yeah, he's yelling at me. And then so he gets in, and then finally the bodega comes, the cops come, bodega guy fights him, they're rolling around. He finally

walks away, and then we go, alright, wipes his hands clean. The next morning, a guy shows up and starts setting up his drums. Guy sets up his drums. We're back. See, do I want that in front of my apartment? For sure not Do I love that story exists? It's fun to walk by

You go on New York Pump and you go That's a fucking guy trying to sleep I was stewing I was sitting in my bed I love those fucking guys Who just kind of have on the corner. And, like, they're just, it's like a bodega, but it's also, it's just so much nonsense. I walked by the day.

Bodega guys kick ass. Yeah. This guy, like, it was just, the table was probably over by Union Square. No, it was over on 6th Avenue. I walked into Chick-fil-A. And so it was, like, I don't know, 6th and 30-something. And they just had a fucking fold-out table there. And they're just sitting there smoking weed listening to music

and I think that they just put the table there as like almost something to do you know like when you sit by a fire it's like okay we're sitting by a fire

we can go drink and do whatever the fuck we want we're doing something it doesn't make sense sitting around a body of water sitting around a fire

yeah yeah and so they just had this table out and it was like a bike chain some headphones one headphone and like 20 pairs of underwear. The underwear is what gets me.

If you're buying underwear on the street, you've got problems, man. It was like a bunch of trash and then like, I don't know, a couple of boxes of underwear. One shoe. I was like, if I could have walked up and was like, oh, excuse me, how much for one of these? They'd be like, get the fuck off. We're not actually selling this. This is just our smoked weed stand on the corner table. Get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't buy this. It's a chain to the table. What am I supposed to sell tomorrow if you buy this today? Only in New York, baby. So they're wild out there. But when you're in those places, like even in Miami, we got kind of a cool spot. I was getting rinsed, though, because I had an office there and a place places, like even in Miami, we got kind of a cool spot.

I was getting rinsed though because I had an office there and a place there and I still was paying my rent here. So I'm just getting like flossed, right? Yeah, we brought girls, like the girls were dating and then they go, they were like,

this is, you know, sick. We should be, I go, oh yeah, you think it's cool to fucking like have some people pay for everything? You have your fucking sick place on a fucking, on an ocean in Miami?

And you're like, I could do this, could ya? You could, could ya? Oh, really? I'm saving a ton of money in Miami. I fucking bet you are. You're on a fucking permanent vacation, lady. I just love the way you described that, too. We brought some girls. You know, the girls we're dating?

Girlfriends, we call them. There's a term for that. That's great. It's so true, though, man. It's an entire different. There are certain cities like that. Miami, Vegas, where it's like. I didn't want to, by the way, just to follow that.

Because I didn't want to just make it sound like we just brought some random girls. I was like, we brought our girls. Yeah. They're living the dream. Yeah, we just found two fucking chicks and put them in the truck. Probably. The clarification was nice. I was like, oh, you guys just fucking got escorts for the month to the month.

Yeah, I was trying to. We brought some ladies. Yeah, I know. I realized as I said it, I was like, this sounds like I'm trying to sound cool. Yeah, brought some bitches. Don't get me wrong, man. I did some stuff, man. I'm in a monogamous relationship with one of them.

We have a bunch of love. Yeah, I've been talking about that on stage. You know, like one buddy that's still like the getting pussy guy. He's like, there are going to be bitches there? You're like, yeah, our girlfriends and wives. We're going to bury you, buddy. Well, can we call bitches? Probably not. It's a funeral.

No, that'd be totally appropriate. I was never one of those guys, but I went to college with those guys, obviously. The most frustrating people to deal with. When they're getting pussy, guys? Come over. Physically need to get pussy.

Like a medical addiction. You want to come over and watch the game? Are there going to be chicks there? I don't know. It you, huh? Like a medical addiction. Like, you walk over and watch the game. Like, are there going to be chicks there? Like, I don't know. It's Buck Celtic, so probably not. Probably not, dude. It's probably going to be me eating candy and chewing tobacco like always, man. Yeah, no, that gets tough where it's like –

I was just telling this guy the other day that I know a crew of guys who they – every time you get engaged, you got to put money into a pot, and then the last guy standing gets the jackpot. Every time you get engaged? How many times do you get engaged? I actually do believe one guy said like, so if I get divorced, can I buy back in? Can I get back into the jackpot? But every time a guy drops, they put like a decent amount of money in.

So it's up to like – I think it's like a $10,000 pot for like – it's down to like two guys in the crew, and it's like a standoff. The last guy to get. The last guy gets the money. That would suck to be the last guy if you like weren't trying to get married like that. You know what I mean? You know, there's a dowry fucking waiting for you. It really courses your hand. That really, well, it's like, yeah, do you like that girl?

Do you like her $10,000? Do you like her not so much? I mean, that really puts a price tag on it for sure. It is funny too. Like if you think about it, like the last guy, the guy who wins, the guy who doesn't get married and he wins the prize, and everyone's like, oh, I can't believe Steve's so fucking lucky. Dude's single.

Like, dude's got 10 grand now. And Steve is just sitting at home pining for love. I know. He's like, I'm so miserable. He's going to find him dead with a bull in his head and 10 grand next to him. Like, You won. That pot gets higher if you fucking start doing a Chuck and Larry situation. Yeah, right?

For real. I just want one single woman to come over and share a warm meal with me. And all my friends are sending me texts about how lucky I am. How much is 10? Calling up Domino's. How much pie can I get with 10 grand? Give me all the lava cakes, man. All of them.

I got 10K to spend. The other day I bought new underwear because I didn't feel like doing laundry. But thank God I had this 10 grand. Yeah, my friend was saying because they were in L.A. and they go to the bar And it's like Ah there's no chicks here It's like

That's another LA thing It's like they're always Looking for something better It's like Ah there's no bitches here It's like yeah who cares Just enjoy your fucking When I go to a bar

And they're like Dude there's no one here I'm like yeah That's the fucking point We love it here Bar gender Another one please My friend's gonna leave

Am I not good enough The old like Hey man you wanna come over who's there who's there not you man fuck you yeah you're done

poking around all my friends are too like on each other where it's like what are you gonna poke around like it's straight up

call that shit out oh as soon as that happens is that gonna matter to you are you are most of your crew like in back in Canada back in Toronto or you have like yeah um

only my one friend i mean i know a few comics here and i've been here for almost like a year and a half now so i know people but everyone i you know everyone i know and love is all the people i like yes i'm lonely is that the question yeah i mean it sucks to move in your fucking 30 you know whatever and right into a pandemic yeah and also i can't go back it's to move in your fucking 30 You know whatever And right into a pandemic Yeah and also I can't go back it's a pain in the ass But it's like you know sometimes I see like the fuck Just COVID and all that shit Like have you been following this pandemic thing

But you legit can't go if you want to Yeah you gotta wait in fucking quarantine I'm not gonna go back for a weekend But sometimes I'll see all my friends Like get together Even like the worst is when you see like different groups of friends friends that you're the middle man, and they're all hanging out. What the fuck? You can't do that without me. You're just watching the Instagram stories.

Who was even facilitating the conversation there? That's what I fucking did. Tommy's passed out. You're like, classic Tommy. I imagine in general with the comic world, you just become friendly with other comics, right? Because you guys are in the club. You become either friendly or hate. You know what?

That's why I see a lot of people online that have all these feuds and all this stuff. And with comics, you're like, yeah, dude, I have to fucking see these people. Do you know what I mean? You're like the beat reporters where it's like, I'm asking the questions in there. You fucking radio talk heads are just saying whatever you want. I'm in the trenches, man. I gotta look fucking David Ortiz in the eye every day.

Yeah, people will call you pussies because a lot of times I'm like, I don't want to call out like comics like that. And then people will be like, oh, and you go, you don't understand. It's not like fucking actors

or Instagram people. It's like, I see this guy three times a week. I'm not gonna have fucking energy like that. One of my least favorite things was when the blog at barstool got big enough that the people we were talking shit about would see it yeah i want to be an anonymous hater i want to be able to be like that girl's fat and then i see her i'm like

i had that recently i fucking some guy posted some stupid article or whatever and then I quote tweeted it and then it was just like, you know, 10,000 fucking likes or whatever like pretty quickly and the guy posted being like,

something, something like, dude, I've spent a lot of time on this article. Like, he wasn't even like, fucking back.

He was kind of like, oh. He was like, sad. Yeah, I was just like, dude, I'm fucking,

I don't know. That's what people, they'll get mad, they'll be like, why don't you fucking add him when you're talking shit about someone on twitter

I didn't want him to see you I'm hiding from him I want to talk behind his back like a fucking adult what are you talking about why didn't I

at him are you one of those people who go up to people and tell them exactly what you think about them no it's one of two ways

like one you're making fun of people like to be funny and it's not hurtful Or two is you're starting feuds with people for clout And you know what I mean If I add them it's like this is a different thing I'm no longer making a joke

I'm like fucking trying to be Like confrontational And also It's like a clout move as soon as you're like at them Like what do you have to say about that Now I'm like a LA fucking as soon as you're at them. Like, what do you have to say about that? Now I'm like a L.A. fucking, you know, yellow guy Instagrammer. You do that.

Yeah, I saw you posted, like, I don't want to do it for this reason about this guy. What was that? You tweeted something. You're like, I don't want to do a one minute about this guy. Oh, yeah. But I think you do the one minute, man. It's like millions of people see those.

It's like a direct hit on someone. And they're going to fucking see it. Absolutely, man. Yeah, like that's just like, because you're not a mean guy no and then the dudes i was talking about are gigantic basketball players who will fucking oh it's kwame yeah i did kwame brown and i totally took his side so now i'm like well steven jackson and matt barnes are gonna fucking either way i'm done here but yeah it's like i it's a it's a tough spot that i think you have to like just figure out where your lines are. I usually kind of present just both sides.

I did Tony Hinchcliffe and Pong Dang the other day, and I was like, I probably will come across both of those guys' tables. There's so many things over the last week. That's why I go, how much easier would it be to just be like, this is my side, these are our things. On those two, even the Israel thing, which I don't think we should get into. That and the fucking Tony thing. I was literally in bed at 2 a.m.

I got to solve the two equally as important controversies. Somebody said to me, I really think you should do one minute man on the Israeli-Palestinian event. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? Are you insane? First of all, I have no idea what could I possibly say there that would sound informed, and second of all,

absolutely fucking not! But I go back and forth, on one side I'm like, this fucking bitch, and the other side I'm like, ding ding, kicks it, you know? I literally go back and forth on those things, depending on all the shit, and it's like, I'm tortured by it, but it's like, I'm tortured by it, but it's like,

and then you're like, Hey, you're not, you weren't in charge of this. Like I'm solving it. Like I'm trying to solve it. It has nothing to do with you. But I'm like,

but my listeners, I like, I'm a fucking business. And this is like a problem at our company. I'm like, dude, no one cares if you don't solve this. I do think though,

if you take that approach with everything where it's like, well, I don't have to comment on it. Like you're never going to. No, I'm not. So it's like a with everything where it's like well i don't have to comment on like you're never gonna no i'm not anything you know but so it's like a fine line where it's like and i think my line is israel and palestine yeah i think i think it's it's more dangerous to have a stance on israel palestine in america than it is in israel and palestine i was talking to my friend kurt mansker and he was like you ever try to solve those or not i don't know what he way he worded it but he was like uh you ever try to solve those? Or not, I don't know what way he worded it,

but he was like, he's just look at it and you go, I probably just need some fresh eyes. I'm the guy who's got this. Step aside, PhD. Get away. That's honestly,

remember when Trump got so much shit because Kushner was in charge of it? And like, if he had said that, I think that's a great excuse. Like, well, I just need some fresh eyes. Okay.

You know, not a bad point. I'll wrap this puppy up. That actually, all right that's a great excuse. I just need some fresh eyes. Okay. All right. Actually, all right. Good luck, Jared. They had a good one. You know how the celebrities always get in the mix of that stuff? This one, I guess they got more

in the mix because you know how you're not supposed to like Israel right now? You're supposed to be their bad. But a lot of celebrities like don't think that. And they're usually, I have the right opinion. They usually got the like acceptable opinion except for now. So they're kind of having a hard time. And then so 10, 100 celebrities did

or whatever amount did like a open letter. And it was like, we think that they should be peace. And it was like, honestly, I didn't even think of that. There's literally been a war raging for like 5,000 years about the celebrity open letter. They're going to go, oh yeah, you know what, let's call it off.

Let's try everything. I tweeted, I said they need a parent trap. Get them in a room, figure this out, we'll let you out when you're done. I love Edelman. Julie edelman's one of the few like i think famous who julie edelman he plays for the patriots he's like the only jewish athlete yeah he's like one of the few like jewish like you know he's a talented they usually get

promoted to owner yeah they play so good that they let them on the team that's how that works and and even he like you know when when Deshaun Jackson had his – He's always smart. He always plays it well though. He always plays it well. And even with this one, he was just like, look, I'm out of this. Yeah. He was like, I'm out of this.

He said taking a – Yeah. Julian's sweet spot is like an athlete uses a slur that they shouldn't. And he says, I know you're not actually hateful. I'd like to take you to dinner and talk about why that word is hurtful. Right. He's not solving peace

in the Middle East. When we're talking about bombs and children dying, Julian's like, see you later, bro. I play football. My brain barely works. It's okay.

I'm out of here. You see that? He had to come camp chancellor. Well, they should be able to. I don't know why they have to be all politicians. Like, you know, the fuck,

you know what it is? Like, that's why in all these things, it's like everyone thinks they're know what it is like that's why in all these things it's like everyone thinks they're so important like comedians are supposed to be stupid fucking dumb clown you know that's why you're allowed to say shit because you don't matter but then as soon as they start being like oh i'm like you know i got this fancy job and it's all this and everyone's then you're like but then now you can't say anything anymore because you're a fucking spokesperson for some shit right so who talks? Right, you're right.

I mean, nobody ends up talking. You're either a dumb clown or you're a smart person with something to lose. And I'm like guilty of, you know, kind of, you know, I'm sure you guys, everyone is where it's like, especially because I do videos and all that stuff where people will be like,

this guy's a genius and it takes, how many people say that before you go, yeah, dude, of course. Smarter than everyone. But you have to, that's why comedy is good because then you know you go out and everyone's like

shut the fuck up people that don't have their like old friends they just have their like industry friends can't have that you know what I mean cannot have that

but yeah it's important I think to fucking remember that you're fucking nothing you're easy you're literally worth it always remember you are a dumb piece of shit

yeah you gotta go back Talk to your dad Have him tell him Between pops like You know we didn't even Want to have you Notice the six years Difference between you

And your other siblings There's a reason why You know what you actually need Is whenever you're about to You know talk about Israel or Palestine Or something Some guy goes by on a scooter And says bad idea

Yep you're right That's so funny I'm gonna put my phone down The actors Bad idea The actor at 2am That's like you know what I'm gonna add to this

Yeah that's so Bad idea man Holy shit Everyone needs that guy It's like, you know what? I'm going to add to this. Yeah, that's a bad idea, man. Holy shit. Everyone needs that guy. That is amazing. All right, we're going to go next door. We're going to do a little answer to the internet, but good shit. So you guys are still doing the sketch every week, right?

Ryan Long Comedy on Instagram. Yeah, The Boys Cast with Ryan Long is the podcast every Friday. Patreon.com slash The Boys Cast extra episode. And I do a sketch every Monday. Was the latest one? Was it this one or two? I did a trailer this week. The governors.

That was this week. We're not shit without this pandemic, man. What are we going to do? Yeah, I did a governor trailer. That was great. That was awesome. I liked that one. That is true.

But I didn't even know Cuomo was a governor. The amount of governors I now know is annoying. Governors are like umpires and referees. I don't want to know their names. If I know their names, something's gone very wrong. Nate Bargazzi has a funny joke where he's like, who does that? Is that what a senator does? I have no idea of that difference either.

What was that? I forget what that is. That was very funny. I'm just trying to remember what it was. What the senator does? I have no fucking clue. All right, let's do it. You very funny I'm just trying to remember What it was like What the senator does I forget but yeah No fucking clue Alright let's do it

You know what I'm doing Before you go I will say I'm playing New York And at Caroline's I'm headlining Five shows in Caroline What is that

We're finding out But I'm sure you guys I'm actually always Pretty impressed How most Most of you guys Really do usually know Where you are

And when you're gonna to be at with like... Is this a dig at me? Meaning by you, everyone but me, obviously. Apparently Ryan Long's memory sucks, man. Dude, I'm a moron with this shit. I don't know. I don't know ever. You have like a whole team and shit?

You have agents and managers? Yeah, but like, you know, you're still... Still an adult man. And you're still in charge of everything like I don't have a team like the way a fucking pop star has a team this guy books the shows

but you gotta get there like on your own he doesn't have a car waiting for you but it's 18th to 20th and Justin, Silver, and Danny from the Governor's thing that's who's gonna be

there with me they're like they're both featuring but yeah that should be sick. So come to that. Awesome, man.

All right, let's do it. June. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.