KFC Radio - Socks In The Sand, Nikki Glaser, and Ian Fidance

Episode Date: December 12, 2019

John has a way to improve all dinners, everywhere. He also does something despicable with his socks. Nikki Glaser returns to talk about laser hair removal, why she likes dead moms, consensual sexting, vagina angles, and chairs vs people. Ian Fidance stops by to tell us how he made his therapist cry. Voicemails include: socks or barefoot,  superheroes vs cops, off the menu, and the last single guy in the group.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Mountain Dew. Dew. The motherfucking Dew. Mountain Dew is all about the three ball. Hey! Go to varsitygold.com slash KFC to check us out

doing the three balls. I'm going to do the whole ad read like this. If you're all about the three ball in the NBA, then you should be all about the Mountain Dew because what Mountain Dew is all about badasses and people who shoot the three ball from Larry Bird all the way up to Steph Curry and now

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They push boundaries, and they get shit done. They pursue their passions, and that's what Mountain Dew is all about. The people who are pursuing their passions and getting it done. The official beverage of the NBA. The official beverage of three balls and me doing this right now during this ad read. Go get yourself a Mountain Dew today. My arms are tired. That was hard to hold my

arms up like that. It's another edition of KFC Radio. I just said go to Barstool Gold so you can check me out doing those three goggles. Also, same clothes as last episode. Little magic trick for you there. That's never happened before, really. I don't think it has.

We rarely do. We could have done a costume change. Yeah, we could have done it. We just grinded our asses off on Monday. So, another edition here at KFC Radio. Today, we got Nikki Glaser on the show. And we got her boy, Ian. Ian.

We got Nikki Glaser on the show and her boy, Ian. ian ian we got nikki glazer on the show and her boy ian now you thought his instagram was what ian imel ian imel his name is ian his name is ianimal you thought it was ian imel that makes sense his name's ian yeah no it does i i clowned you at the time but i'm the stupid one for not putting together that Ian is his name and in his Instagram handle. So it was all confusing. Yeah, no, I really was. I didn't even read Ian, though. I read Ian Imel.

Ian Imel. Ian Imel. Ian Finance is on the show. Ian Finance. Ian Imel. Animal Imel. It's all good. It's all good for this now.

He, after getting to know him, we met him on nicky glazer's show i've been following him and like did you see him running that hipster shop the other day he called it fucking stolen valor he went into a thrift shop and and it was it was like a high society one and it was supposed to be like vintage and he was just like this isn't vintage this is all new clothes sold at a high price you're not cool you're not you are unique you're not a hipster that's not real and then he just runs out of there i was like you're fucking crazy bro you're fucking nuts man he's on one so this cat we met him doing a nikki show on on serious xm and he's got a fucking story and a half i mean coming up grinding through the ropes of comedy

uh in in and out of halfway homes and rehab and therapy and like open about his family issues and shit but as always the people with like you know some of the darkest stuff or some of the funniest guys in the world so he's on tour right now with fucking David Tell who is regarded as you know the wizard of comedy we got I that's a guy I'd be nervous to talk

to I think I think it was hell yeah absolutely like like Bill Burr used to scare me and now i think we're pretty cool still scares me he still scares me but i'm much better than i was i used to be really scared now i'm just like please don't fuck up david tell i feel like it would come in here and be like you fucking suck dude this place sucks uh so if you're good enough for david tell you're good enough for us so uh check him out and of course nikki who uh this this i mean we went off the rails right away when we met Nikki I kind of described it like

our first interview with Nikki was more like usually our third interview with someone where we get real comfortable so our second was like our 10th I mean immediately I think at one point she made the case for pedophilia I think at one point we were all sympathizing with pedophiles it was a fucking wild one so two major interviews uh in today's show before that, but we got our voicemails. And before that, John mysteriously turned to me and told me he is going to quote revamp dinner. Now dinner, if you ask me, is a staple of human life and institution, if you will, that really doesn't need much changing i actually think that when people started to fuck with it it became a problem that's where you get

like 10 30 dinner reservations that's not when dinner is supposed to be fuck off the people who tried to revamp dinner who now need we need to unvamp dinner is what we need to do give me dinner at six o'clock fuck you i don't care about what time you have it. It's a different thing there. So we're going to revamp dinner, Feidelberg style. Speaking of dinner, the best dinner you can have is Omaha Steaks. Yes. A quality steak for yourself that you can cook right at home. Don't have to overpay price. You don't have to worry about getting a reservation, like I said.

Do you want a 4 p.m. or a 10.30? Neither, asshole, because none of that's fucking dinner time. I'd want to eat a steak at a normal hour. Oh, you know what? I? Neither, asshole, because none of that's fucking dinner time. I'd want to eat a steak at a normal hour. Oh, you know what? I'm just going to cook it myself straight from my fucking fridge in my freezer because of Omaha Steaks. Right now, the offer is four premium filet mignons, four premium pork chops, four Omaha Steakburgers, four potatoes au gratin, four caramel apple partlets, plus the steak seasoning. And then on top of it, you get the cutlery and the cutting board, so you can whip it all up. Final Break's probably in this place like Salt

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get it and give it a gift mail it directly to them you just gotta pay $69.99 for all the steak plus the cutting board and the cutlery and just pay the premium just pay the shipping

go to omahasteaks.com promo code KFC revamped dinner babe what do you got always have an extra seat so you're going to dinner with six people reservation for seven

okay and then you just kick people out I did it I did it the other night I was out to dinner with a bunch of people and we happened to have an extra seat at the table okay and i looked across the table i said i think i'm done with you i think i think we've said enough what do you say we switch it up and someone else comes and sits here oh oh i don't even like kick them out of the fucking table you got the extra seat so got it you go sit over there.

You talk to some new people. We got a new person here. It's like a puzzle. Yeah. Remember that peg puzzle where you put it off to the side and then you bring it back in? You kind of need like a side chair for that. Yeah.

Just so there's room to navigate. I agree. I really agree with that. Maybe not like, because it sounds like you went out to dinner with your family and you were kicking people out. No, it wasn't family. It was like Thursday night. Because that to me is especially, I actually actually i know a couple ended up getting married

because of this but funny story they were at a they went to like a new year's eve dinner party and it was just a long ass table and they got paired up together at the end they actually didn't hit it off at all at first she was like this guy fucking sucks but he was smitten with her and kept pursuing her but the point being they were stuck there because it was just one long table and they got their one thing and then that's it. If you're going to an organized dinner thing where there's any sort of seating where you can't control it and you get people you don't like or you get people you get tired of, your night's ruined.

I'd rather go home at that point. It's like I came to hang out with these people. I can't. I'm hanging out with this person. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. And the extra seat, it means that you don't have to force people to switch. Because then they're like, well, I'm good. I don't want to switch.

So you just need a seat next to you? You know what I mean? You still might need someone to switch if you're picking who you want to sit with. But as long as you have somewhere to move to, you're good. As long as there's somewhere to move. I'm going to go see what's happening on the other table.

Especially with dinners now where it's's all fucking italians or they just sit there for a week straight and it's like i'm i'm done i'm done i'm done now you can get up you can move it's there's there's also so much time it's like like you eat you can eat your plate at a seat but then like there's so much time after dinner before dinner where you can be like all right i'm gonna fuck around for a little bit i'll come back here i feel like this sometimes naturally happens i get up i go to the bathroom when i come back go fuck around for a little bit. I'll come back here. I feel like this sometimes naturally happens. I get up. I go to the bathroom. When I come back, I sit here for a minute. I talk to this person.

But you have to wait for the meal to break down and people to get up. And I'm going to go to the bar. All right, that seat's open sort of thing. This is just setting that up so that it can happen at any time. Yeah. And I think if you don't do it, even four people, you don't get a fifth table. But if you're going with six or more, make it one more person. Because at that point, it's a big group thing.

It's not just like a double date or a family thing it's like and for like getting we're getting a bunch of friends together and you want to talk to all these different people and see all these different people and you can't because the setup when there's when there's four people you can talk to everybody all the time once you get to six then there's too many what if you just uh almost like speed dating what if you just all rotated seats like i think making it a thing also kind of kills it yeah so if it's just like hey there's an empty seat if someone wants to move around and you were not at all worried about like uh that person being like fuck you dude i mean i told the person i did yeah how'd that go she was like you know you're right i'm kind of the feelings mutual dickhead like you know what i could i was

like my first time meeting her and i was like you know it was a friend of a friend and i was like it was your first time meeting her and you said i'm fucking done with you i said it nicer than that but i was like there's no nice way there's no nice way no it wasn't like that girl probably thought i'm captivating this guy this is awesome i got a new friend and he said i am no it was actually cool she was like i feel like it was like she's like you know what would be more fun to move around it was like it was actually for a social misfit and a hermit you are a bold one my friend that is a moment of truth like you looked across the table come on tell me what you really said how'd you say i i don't remember but it was just like i mean it came to the point where because i took out my i mean yeah enough

that you took out your larry david notebook and said revamp dinner i wrote it down i called them ejection seats now that would be funny. Send them through the ceiling. You're out of here. Next one. Ejection seats at dinner. Always make a resi with one extra seat. Kick people out when you're done.

Whole table keeps moving. I thought I said whore. I said whore. I feel like that's the polite way to do it. I would like one where you can actually, maybe not ejection seats, more like trap door. That's it. Fall down into the basement.

See you later. Mal hour button and you're gone. Goodbye. Goodbye goodbye i think that makes dinner a lot more fun i think it makes it uh like you have to perform you know i don't want to get the ejection seat have you heard my joke good yeah have you heard my joke sure did you hear portnoy talking about miami he was gonna unload what'd he say uh empty the empty the barrel did he say after the clip yeah like he probably fucked it up you know but he basically said he would have emptied uh the empty the barrel. Did he say after the clip? Yeah. Like he probably fucked it up, you know, but he basically said he would have emptied the,

the, the clip on all of his jokes to get with Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid. He had the opportunity to go on a yacht in Miami, turned it down, later found out that like a list, a list, a list was on there. And I was like,

ah, well, what's the big deal? It's not like they were going to hang out with you anyway. He's like, oh no, no, they would have.

I would have, I would have loaded all the things. I actually, I heard his argument and I agree with him. I don't think so. You're on a, like, first of all, no, they would have. I would have. I would have loaded all the things. I actually, I heard this argument and I agree with him. I don't think so. You're on a, like, first of all, those boats are pretty big.

I mean, I saw the picture. It's not like a crazy boat. Is there a front and a back? Because then wherever Dave is, they're not.

I don't think so. I think that's crazy to just have, like, if it's under 10 people on a boat, you're with everybody. Or under 10 people at a party.

I mean, you were just ejecting people out of dinner, bro. Yeah, but like. Imagine if you were a fucking superstar. But I still talked to them. And I would say, like, I don't know. I hung out with a girl all weekend. She was a cool girl. It was just like, we kind of, this conversation.

I don't doubt, especially if you get like the cosign, obviously, whoever owns the boat or whatever brings a friend on. But I think that, I don't think they would really necessarily walk away being like friends with Dave. I don't know about friends, but they'd have a good time. I mean, like Dave would have a good time with him. I feel like that's, that's probably when you get back to normal Dave,

when he, when he absolutely has to admit he's not like the richest, best person in the room, then he's just like a normal guy again. Yeah. You know, it's like, yeah,

I can't even compete for all the, the, you know, uh, making fun of what we do with Dave Dave can be a regular guy I haven't seen him in so long He is entertaining

I'll give him Dave's can be charming People like Dave I feel like Now it's all about him That's what he is now Do you think Kendall Jenner would care to hear about Dave? Okay You eat the pizza dude all right whatever the i feel like i i think people like that it can go one of two ways where either everything is so about them it has to be or everything's so about them like i don't they kind of like i feel like the way we are with barcelona

like i don't want to talk about barcelona i don't like i don't want to talk and like her life is her and it's like i don't want to talk about kardashians right you tell me. And it's like I don't want to talk about Kardashians. Right. You tell me about like your stupid pathetic life because I'll find it more interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when Michael Jackson rented out that fucking grocery store just to feel what it's like to shop. Yeah. He had actors pulling stuff off the shelf.

He just wanted to know what it's like to shop. I was going to say. Teach me about your poor life. In Sunny when they have the Dinner for Schmucks episode. Yeah. in sunny when they have the uh dinner for schmucks episode yeah when like the two was uh tate or i forget what the grant whatever the the oil company it was yeah and they like hang out with them because they're cool and the girl actually who was it turned out to be i was into dario um oh wow is uh well actually i actually like you charlie i want you you're

nothing like me right he's like you're just a rich little slut. It's when you go slum. I actually don't like that episode. I liked that episode up until Charlie's twist. I forgot that that was Daddario. It was before she was Daddario. Although it was like, I think it might have been after True Detective. Was it? I think it was after she was Daddario.

I knew that name as soon as those tits dropped out of that shirt. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I was watching Nightmare on Cometh the other day. It happened to be on Vice. I mean, that episode is just absolutely preposterous. I know. Last is cheap.

I'm going for gasps. One of my greatest regrets in life is that I had the opportunity to go to, they put me live at House of Blues in Boston. And I didn't end up going. Kill yourself, John. I'm on her page right now, but I want to find out what she was first actress 57 things 2016

San Andreas 2015 oh she's a new girl I forgot about that 2014 true detective 2014 it's always sunny 2012 I was gonna say it had to be before 2014 good eye by Rob, probably. Yeah, you're on the show.

All right, let's get into our voicemails, and then we'll do our interviews for the day. Voicemails today are brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. The holidays are here. You can get flowers for the Christmas holiday season. Most people think about Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. You know what? You could do it 365, but also a nice bouquet around the Christmas time. You get those

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or you're barefoot all the time. I mean, you're wearing shoes without socks. Like, what do you do? I'm going to go with barefoot. I would rather never wear socks again, flip my feet into sneakers and go running. Well, I don't go running. I just don't have to worry about that.

I agree if you're active, no socks is tough. If you're not, I don't want to wear socks in the shower I don't want to wear socks to bed can I change my socks they're the same socks right no but you pretty much

like you know you take them off you gotta put them on right away you can't like there's no gap yeah you know

okay then socks and just have a never ending cycle of them changing I'm also thinking though like Ultra Boost and the way Adidas is like

phasing out socks you don't need socks but you like stink I don't know though I feel Boost and the way Adidas is like phasing out socks. You don't need socks. But you stink. I don't know though. I feel like they've got to figure that out too. It's not as sweaty, not as stinky. The people who perfect that the people who perfect the slipper that can have the soft stuff but not make your foot sweat, a billion dollars.

I'm going to figure out a way to do this. Figure out the technology is going to be the crowning achievement of Barstool Indoors. Anybody who can figure out how to wear shoes without socks, and that's kind of where Adidas has been going, although you're right, they haven't perfected it. King. I like wearing socks. I wear socks to bed sometimes.

I'm team socks. I like a good sock. I got up out of bed the other day to put socks on to get in bed. Should we edit this? Are you sure you want that take out there? It's just like you just said you don't like dogs. Are you sure you want to do this? I was in bed.

People will never look at you the same. My feet are a little cold. I'm going to get out of bed, put on socks, get back in bed. By the way, that doesn't work for me. When my feet are cold, socks ain't doing shit. I don't know. I got to go body heat. Put them up against that ass of yours.

Just fucking warm them up. Toasted me right up. It was lovely. I like a good sock. I'll wear it. You wear socks in the sand? Your body is... What?

Socks in the sand. Comfy as hell. You've gone to the beach with socks on? Yeah. Are you an immigrant? What? Do you wear jeans in the ocean, too? No.

I've walked in the beach. Do you wear Timberlands? I haven't had flip-flops in forever. I don't know why I said I had flip-flops. Socks on the sand? So I'll have to wear socks and shoes to the beach. And then sometimes I'm leaving the beach, I'll put on socks. And I'll be like, you know, I'm going to take a spin.

Take these bad boys for a ride. And you'll probably bring those same old socks into your bed, too. You sick fuck. Yeah, probably. You sick fuck. So you're definitely team socks, you weirdo. It was an easy one for me i actually uh feigned the difficult like i wonder what i'm gonna go with here i'm going socks that's how i live my life right now the only difference is getting the shower socks and

whatever i don't fucking bend down to my feet anyway yeah like it's not like oh their feet are gonna still be dirty who cares i fucking bar of soap i haven't seen these bad boys since I was in the tub, floating a little penis floating around. We are off the rails. I'm thinking, though, like, dress shoes with no socks. I hate that. Hurts. Boots with no socks is tough. If you ever do work out.

I feel like as uncomfortable as some of it is, you need to err on the side of catastrophe. Like, if you got blisters and shit, you got to have socks. Yeah. Socks get a bad rap, man. Socks are fucking awesome. Socks are socks are awesome for everything like all the normal ways to use them not the way you do socks socks on the beach not awesome socks it's not a regular thing i do it's pretty comfortable it's pretty comfy walking on the beach with sand socks no sir it's

i mean literally the thing is like sand in between your toes and it's just like nope we're gonna fucking put a put a cotton condom over our feet. Everyone make me a promise. This summer, you're going to pull out with socks. No. I will not make that promise, sir. You're missing out on that. You're missing out on just a nice feeling.

It almost is like a massage. I mean, I actually can envision what you're talking about, but I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. No way. It's like they have those stress balls of sand. Yeah. It's just rubbing that under your foot.

Yeah. You don't feel the actual sand. You just get the nice feeling of it. I'll just do that with fucking no socks on, you sick fuck. Nah. I mean, look. I'm not saying I only wear socks at the beach. I'm just saying I've done it occasionally.

And it's really not as bad as you think. You see John on the beach. He's got socks on. Fact. It's because I wore socks and sneakers there, right? Yeah. But I don't want to put my sneakers back on and get sand in them. Yeah.

So I walk out in just the socks. And it's pretty nice. And then you put them on in bed and that's nice that's nice and warm and you know what this will go against what I'm saying a little bit but sometimes I wear socks to bed just so it feels so good when I take them off

that's another thing to do I mean that's what most people do they take them off when you get into bed. It feels nice and good. Yeah, but I'll wear them into bed. As long as you end up taking them off. But other times I'll put them on. I've been sleeping with clothes on.

Don't put me in a sock box. I've been sleeping with the indoors clothes on. Because they're light enough. I wake up in the morning, full long sleeve shirt, long sleeve pants. Never been like that. I've been like that. I haven't been like that. Actually, I was like that very recently. So what are you sleeping?

You call them. You don't put on sweatpants. You wear jeans. Right. You go to bed wearing what? Sweatpants and socks? Boxers and socks? Boxers and no shirt. The socks isn't a regular thing either. But recently I was cold. Boxers and socks is disgusting, John. It's not regular. It happened, like, once.

It'll happen again. That's like being gay. You can't suck one dick. Like, you're gay. That's it. You did boxers and socks to bed. You're a socks to bed guy. You're fucking dumb.

I'm fine with that thing. It's not every night. But if you want to call me a socks and bed guy, I'll wear that badge proudly. Socks curious over here. Get out of here. KFC fights super producer. So, KFC, I heard the radio uh recently you've been watching watchmen uh hot take of mine it's one of the hbs best series they put out in five ten years

but uh got me thinking if each town just had superheroes kind of like in the show no cops so each town just had one if it was a bigger city like in new york there would be a lot of them and each city just employed a couple If it was a bigger city like in New York, there would be a lot of them. And each city just employed a couple of superheroes to watch over the town. They could basically do whatever they wanted. They could kill you if they thought it was with injustice. Do you think there would be more crime or less crime if you didn't have the cops watching over you? You just had a couple of superheroes flying around and doing whatever they did? Thanks.

I think we got to get some WD-40. I can't sit in that chair. I think, if you had like vigilante superheroes, then there'd be less. I think if you were worried that a superhero

could just come fucking kill you, rather than like cops, you'd know, I mean, if you're a white guy, that like, you know, there's at least some rules here.

If it's just like Superman's gonna come and blaze you up with his fucking laser vision or some shit, I think you would be a little less inclined. But a lot of superheroes don't kill you, right?

Most superheroes are like ends of the day. Well, so Watchmen,men i'm only like one episode in so he said i'm watching it i i'm like i paused it because i felt like i had to go watch the movie i also don't think he's wrong i think that it's getting an incredible amount of buzz and i think it's gonna be a very very big series if not already yeah but also like window off doesn't want to do anymore window off doesn't want to do it but that they ain't they ain't giving you know what i mean like hbo is not here. Okay. Nevermind. Only fucking 10 episodes of this. No fucking shot on that one. Uh,

I respect the shit out of him for being like, I'm not fucking doing this again. I did one. That's it. Uh, yeah. I mean, I don't know.

Also, if he's only doing it once, like isn't, won't it reach some sort of conclusion at the end of the season? I, it did. Right. I mean,

did it happen already? Was the finale already? No, the finale is next week. He said it like everything will tie together you'll know everything but yeah you're loving it though right i mean it's a big deal i feel like i stopped because i could tell and i know the movie wasn't really that well regarded but it's like a world thing like i want to know the world i didn't understand what happened with vietnam and the presidents and all that shit so like i want to learn all that before I really do Watchmen, right?

So I'm going to do it. I do think it will be a huge show. They got shut out at the Golden Globes. Fuck the Globes. I love the Globes. Me too. But I like this show, so fuck them. But I think superheroes in this world are a little more like, they're not like goody two-shoes, right?

Like, they'll fuck you up. Yeah, no, they'll, like, break your bones and shit. Yeah. Like, not all of them kill people, but there are some that don't care. If I had to worry about one rogue bad superhero who might fucking kill me versus I might go to jail, I think I'd probably... That's probably a better deterrent than just police. But you think of the odds.

Yeah, just like there's four superheroes versus a whole... And, like, superheroes don't really investigate crime. So it would go up. It would go up. Crime would go up. You think? Because superheroes don't investigate. Superheroes catch you in the act.

They're not, like, doing investigations. Not doing DNA samples and things like that. And usually they help the cops do those investigations. There's a string of crimes, and here are the fucking suspects. I'll go find them. But, like, otherwise... Yeah, it's like, well, I gotta do everything thank god rob if you had to have only one superhero or cops and you were a criminal i'd rather but what if it was like mr manhattan is like this blue giant freak

right he can be huge he can be small he can be like everything like if he was a fucking basically a monster i don't know like what if i was just like i'm robbing this bank and like i didn't give him a gigantic 50 foot tall blue thing might pop out and be like, stop doing that. All right. My bad. It was just a joke. It was a prank. It was a prank.

The – because I just think that there's so much – so rarely is a crime caught in the act. It's usually the investigation that happens around it and stuff like that. Because of, like, you know, what – all right. What if there's a superhero that has, like, supersonic hearing's like oh i heard the crime being committed and i'm there bam caught you you know it's like things that you might be able to get away with with police depends on you know it would probably depend on the superheroes yeah it's like there's the one that can run really fast i'll probably take my chances is there one that can like hear all things or see all things at all times maybe not yeah yeah i'm saying i'm taking Yeah. I'm taking my chances.

I don't think that Mr. Man... Dr. Manhattan's not even a superhero. He's just a freak, right? I don't know what the thing is. If it's Batman, I'm taking my chances. I'll take my chances with Batman. Superman, though? Superman with an edge.

Superman with an edge, probably not. By the way, just quickly as we're talking TV, Apple TV is that shit right there. Is it really? I mean, I love the morning show, which seems to be a little bit of a point of contention, but me, Jeff D. Lowe, and Henny, the handsome one, all love it. I think it's great.

I think it's actually a very interesting look at the Matt Lauer type of situation. And Jeff D. Lowe told me that either things that he experienced himself being at Good Morning America or heard internal gossiply gossip uh it's like true so i think that's interesting um for all mankind like a rewriting of space history in uh the servant m night shalaman creepy ass show kind of like far no not kind of super far-fetched but very creepy and then aaron paul is in a new show that's like serial-esque.

Yeah. The chick in it, terrible. The girl from The Help, she won an Oscar, terrible. She's a terrible actress. I can't believe she won an Oscar. Everything she's saying is like to further the plot. Like the dialogue is just there to explain like, well, I think I was wrong about this,

and now I need to go back and rewrite history. And it's like, you would never fucking talk like that, but it's setting the plot up. But Aaron paul is uh in prison arian brotherhood and it's like a uh serial type of thing with a podcast like i'll at least give all these a shot yeah i'll check that one out i'll give you my login you're not gonna buy it next voicemail kfc fights producer bc got a question so in years past we me and my group of friends we always did a ski trip up to the mountains past couple years me and another buddy were single so it was three couples and then the two of us this year it's going to be four couples and i'm still i'm the single guy still so they booked the room and then they ask do we want to pay for this by person or by room which we've always done by

person because it was an even number of people and we always had like you know special accommodations for me and my buddy you know like a room with two beds or some shit. So for this trip, it's $1,120 total. It's not crazy expensive. But for this trip, if we do it by room, I'm paying $225. Everybody else is paying $1,250 by person, if you do it by person so i have to cough up an extra hundred for them to save 12.50 per person is that at all fair or should we split be splitting the whole weekend by person which comes out to 125 per person i don't feel like i should have to pay an extra hundred bucks

twice as much as everybody else if i'm like getting you know the lesser of the rooms and i have to share the bathroom you know if i'm paying twice as much as everybody else if i'm like getting you know the lesser of the rooms and i have to share the bathroom you know if i'm paying twice as much as everybody else i told him i want the master with my own fucking shower and they said no no no no no he's not wrong but i don't know no he's like that's what the group's doing you're just gonna fucking do it yeah you're gonna i mean you're gonna do that to the people you'll have no friends if any of my friends are 125 50 you're gonna say 12 50 i'm like all right well you know what fuck you i going to do that to the people? You'll have no friends. If any of my friends are like, well, 125.50, and you're going to say 12.50, I'll be like, all right, well, you know what? Fuck you. I'm never going to talk to you again. How about that? You can't do all that.

To save, like, whatever he just said. It's on the responsibility. He's 100% right. And it's on the responsibility of, if you're in a relationship, you have to recognize that. When I was in college, I had a kid do that, a roommate do that, where, like, his girlfriend moved in with us. And so she just, she lives in my room. She lives in my bed.

But, like, she's in the common room. She's there. It's here. It's everything. It's just not fair. We have four people who live here now. Not three. Right.

You're choosing to let her share the bed with you, but, like, four people live in this apartment now. And it's, like, it shouldn't even be an issue. It should just be, like, okay. And even if, like, you want to pay for your spouse, pay for your significant other. Fine. But like you, you, it should,

everything should be, even you should recognize it. It's like the, like you're going to, if you're going to dinner and you're like bringing your significant other and there are other people there and it's like, I'll pay for her. Like split my card twice or whatever.

Like two thirds go to me. It's not like she doesn't pay. Cause we're like, yeah, you can pay for her and you can pay as a couple but it still has to basically be divided amongst people he's right he's totally right but also that's the problem when you're the odd man out if there was one couple and there was five or six single people they would probably be doing it and then they'd have to be the ones who it's like well all right i'm gonna pay for both of us they're

they're the awkward one when you're kind of the odd man out and you're the one throwing a wrench into things it's just i mean you can do all this the awkward one. When you're kind of the odd man out and you're the one throwing a wrench into things, it's just, I mean, you can do all this if you want. You're logically and mathematically correct. I just wouldn't want to do it. I wouldn't deal with it. It's easier to keep friends and lose what is it? It's like a thousand bucks? I also didn't get that. He said it's 1100 bucks

but then he said, oh, I guess maybe per night you're saying? Like 120? Yeah. I mean, it's not like nothing to sneeze at but also, it sounds like you're the single guy. It sounds like you're the smart one who's staying single. You're probably going to enjoy this trip every fucking time. They're going to be miserable. Like, you know, whatever.

Your friends are probably just like going to be stuck with their girlfriends the whole time, and you're going to pay a little bit of extra cash and be free to do whatever the fuck you want. But demanding the master bedroom and all that shit, while absolutely 100% justifiable it's not worth it no it's like like everything's worth the squeeze no pay for the yeah you're not paying for like the room you're paying you're paying for the one or two probable like cunty girlfriends who are gonna be like you're paying for their silence yeah yeah because it would be it will

get brought up bedroom right yes it Sleep on the couch. Yes. It'll get brought up if you're a dick. It'll be... It's not worth it. You're right. 1000%. Sleep soundly knowing you are 100% correct. You're the bigger man. You're just taking the high road here.

And make sure you bring Answer the Internet on your trip. Yes. All right. Last interview. Last voicemail of the day before we get into our interviews. Long interviews because me and John and Nicky were just rolling. So last voicemail is brought to you by DoorDash, the most important app on my phone,

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ordering from Rockwell's. Remember Rockwell's? They delivered at my house. I'm getting Rockwell's quesadillas all the time. I'm getting that burger. I'm getting that fries. I'm on a huge sweet potato fries kick. Never was quite a sweet potato fry guy.

In on the sweet potatoes. I love sweet potato fries. Yeah, that's great. That's a regular one for me. Great. So DoorDash allows you to order from major chains uh mom and pop spots you can do the fast food you can do um pharmacies you can get all you need i still get diapers delivered wipes delivered because i just forget sometimes that i have children like ah fuck i didn't get

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Save $5 when you enter promo code KFC on DoorDash. Last one. What do we got? What's up, KFC? Fights. BC. Long time steward from the Milton days Also a member of the Oregon Trail

Shout out Kevin I was at Taco Bell the other day And my order since high school Has been two double deckers And a cheese grittita crunch The girl told me that they have discontinued The double decker After an audible gasp and my heart shattering

The store manager Luckily made it for me but my question to you guys is has the world or the company a company ever taken anything away from you that you just can't figure out why they would do such a thing and also fuck the salvation army bell ringers right there's a second worst people after bathroom attendance and it's already that time of season. They are pressure. Viva. They do pressure you quite a bit.

There's a guy outside of grand central who does like a fucking dance performance all the time. It's like, all right, ease up, dude. It's better than just the incessant bell. It's like, I'll pay you to fucking stop.

Um, the thing about when they discontinue things, it's like, I know you can make it. I know you have all the ingredients of a double decker back there. It's not, you know, it's just like like are you willing to

put it together or not you know certain things the mcrib i get it's like there are no mcribs in the building i don't even know what the double decker is to be honest but i'm assuming it's a burrito of some sort with some rice and some meat and some cheese and the flour wrap you know so you can make all of those things so it's kind of like you just don't want to make it i remember the quesarito at at tripoli became a big thing where it was like not on the menu but you could order it and people kind of like behind the counter were like giving you a hard time for it's kind of like you just don't want to make it. I remember the quesarito at Tripoli became a big thing where it was like not on the menu, but you could order it. And people kind of like behind the counter were like giving you a hard time for it. It's like, what do you fucking care? Put the fucking cheese in first.

Wrap it up. What's the fucking difference? So I think it depends on where you are, if you have a gripe or not. Part of me always like Popeyes, when they changed the world, it's like, why didn't you? Why don't you just sell this forever? And they eventually did. Now they're restocked and they're consistent. But there's something to be said for the easy effect where it's like you can't get this shit unless it's a why didn't you why don't you just sell this forever they eventually did now they're restocked and they're consistent but there's something to be said for like the easy effect

where it's like you can't get this shit unless it's a special time of year special thing i i can see both sides of it i don't know if i've ever had anything discontinued that's really like fucked with me i'm sure i did but it's just like everything in the world like it doesn't really matter it will it will bother you for a second and then it'll be like it'll bother you for a week two weeks and then you'll forget it ever existed. I'm sure there have been times I was like, what? I mean, shows. TV shows getting canceled would be my example.

That's what I was thinking of, but, like, even that. Black Donnelly's fucked me, you know? But, whatever. We move on. Right. We keep it. I think, like, Black Donnelly's, there was that one with Jason Isaacs. What was that one?

Jason Isaacs. He's the bad guy in The Patriot. The one where he's like the cop living in like two worlds flat um we both really like that show i forget double something or i forget but it was this is the point right that was awesome it was a really cool show and but ordinarily i'm mad at myself for not knowing that name because ordinarily i'm like yes flash forward was awesome that one was awesome and it was like that deserves to live on i always i'm always have hope that another platform is going to pick them up but you're right the world keeps

spinning it's sam sam adams once had a a white ale like spring brew that i loved and then like the next spring it was a different one because they change it and i was you know pissed off about that for about 35 seconds awake awake the uh what it was called. Awake. Great, great show. Great premise, I should say. But also the things that they cancel, you understand. I understand pretty quickly. So I'm like, well, it probably wasn't making them money. It was the funniest show of all time.

There were no ratings. You can't carry a show on Fox primetime that doesn't get ratings. I get it. I'm furious with the rest of the world. I'm not furious at Fox. Yeah, but they probably weren't making money on the double-decker. It was... Whatever the problem was,

it wasn't working. I don't know. People weren't buying it. They stopped putting the time to make it. I get it. It sucks. The world doesn't revolve around you and your taco needs.

You know? Just fucking... Just get more cheesy gordita crunch. The Dunkatino, I kind of just grew out of. But particularly, like, the Taco Bell thing, it's like,

just the double-decker has a different name now. It's the same fucking shit at Mexican restaurants. Don't worry about the double-decker. Just order whatever they're different name now. It's the same mung and shit in Mexican restaurants. Don't worry about the Double Decker. Just order whatever they're calling it now. It's all going to be like a burrito or a chimichanga or an enchilada. They're all the same thing. It's like there's a cheese going outside of the inside.

That's it. Yeah. You want to eat a burrito with a fork and knife? Here's an enchilada for you. That's it. You want to eat a small burrito? Got a taco. It's not worth getting all bent out of shape about, bro.

TV show is a different story. All right. Interview time interview time we're gonna get with nikki glazer and then we'll roll with her boy uh ian first up nikki glazer brought to you by felix gray if your eyeballs are melting from being on the computer you know nick nikki has a radio show and she's on on the road she's always on her phone she's on social media her eyeballs are probably pouring out of her head melting blood coming out of her ears because her eyeballs are falling apart. That's where you got to get the Felix gray glasses. They have, uh,

they launched the singular focus to offer the most effective computer glasses on the market with quality brand name designers. This is the perfect world. This is the perfect company for this world right now. It takes fashion and vanity with these new frames and lenses, and it blends it with how everyone's on the computer at all times those are the two things people want that's all everybody's walking around girls guys walking around with fake glasses trying to look stylish trying to look school cool and they're also on their phones all the time felix gray might as well be wearing

felix gray's 90 of blue light energy uh 99 of the harsh glare boom filtered out and uh you can increase melatonin secretion leading up to bedtime. Non-prescription and readers, Felix Grey Glass is the best in the business of keeping your eyeballs on point, keeping yourself and your brain happy, and making sure you can still keep up with that addiction on your phone. Go to FelixGreyGlasses.com slash Kevin to get a pair of the blue light glasses from the pros. That's F-E-L-I-X-G-R-A-y glasses.com slash kevin to get your glasses today we good over there? I was talking to him but you too? you're good?

don't worry about me I'm good I'm only your guest Glazedog you're not a guest you're just like a participant you're like a third chair thank you I love it I've always kind of wanted that vibe I don't like to do Q&A guests.

I want to just come in and be part of the mix. Just jump in and just be a part of it. I forget what you said the first time you sat down. When we first did it, I was like, oh, this is awesome. She'll fit in fine. Yeah. There's so many people where it's like, because we get it when we have, sometimes we're fortunate enough to get A-list guests.

And it's like a late night show interview. I hate that. I stress out so much. I don't know about you guys, but whenever I have an A-list guest on And it's like a late night show interview. I stress out so much. I don't know about you guys, but whenever I have an A-list guest on my radio show, I leave and I'm like sweaty down here. Like, I sweat. It's like, almost

looks like I'm like, it's crazy. Like, you're what? Go ahead, just say it. Just like I've squirted everywhere and it came up. Like, it is so much condensation that I don't know, it's the only time I've ever gotten wet down here. Like, my whole torso gets wet because I'm nervous. There's more silence with them where it's like they'll just answer your question. And then they wait for you.

And so while they're answering, you can't even think about what they're saying because you're thinking about the next question you have to ask. It fucking sucks. So if you've ever enjoyed a conversation between a host and someone important, the host isn't having fun. No, it's the host. What you're explaining is just probably us just being bad at our jobs. Most people should probably be able to listen and think at the same time, but we can't.

Someday we'll be as famous as those people, and that's when you can relax. Jimmy Fallon can relax because he is as famous. Maybe. I think also speak for yourself on that one. What? I don't foresee myself on that one. You don't?

I'm comfortable interviewing A-list guests. You're on my show. I feel like if I got rich, maybe not even famous, if I was making like $20 million a year, I'd be like, I don't fucking care how this interview goes. Whatever. Oh, yeah, it's more about money for guys. That's probably how he is.

I mean, Fallon's probably making over $20, right? I would venture to guess. Let's play fucking ping pong together. But no, I think you should have one or the other. I don't think I'll ever have either. But I think if you just get one of them, you're pretty set. Money, status, money or fame? Yeah.

Usually they both come together. Kind of go hand in hand, yeah. Yeah, they do. Oh, man. The only way you're getting big money and not fame is if you're a nerd. I think there's plenty of people who are famous now who just don't have any. That little fucking TikTok girl. What? Come on. Does she have money, though? Huh? You don't think that's real? You mean real famous now who just don't have any. That little fucking TikTok girl. What?

Come on. Does she have money, though? Huh? You don't think that's real. You mean real what? The TikTok girl with the tour? Not a tour, but she did like an event or something? Yeah, that's not real.

Nobody, what, didn't happen real? No, KB made the whole thing up. Oh, oh, oh, that's a KB thing. Yeah. I wouldn't. Someone at our work had like a Photoshopped poster of a TikTok girl who I don't even think is a real TikTok girl. Oh, right. And it was like sponsored by Five Ants and things like that.

There I saw the video of the TikTok girl who was famous for like two weeks who was charging like $100 to meet people and was like the people were crying to meet her. I was like, I got to get my money quick because the internet is already passing me by. I know. I know. I'm already left in the fucking dust. I was just on the way here and I was saying to Andrew who came with me, I just got laser hair removal before I came here. I would say about a month ago, you have to go six times to get it all done, and in between

you have to go another time. So it's really 12 times. I don't know why they even say six, but it's six whole sessions where they laser your whole body, and I didn't get my arms last time. I paid $6,000 to do everything. But I didn't do my arms because I'm just like, I don't really ever have been embarrassed about my arm hair. But then this time around, it was my second session. And I was like, you know what?

Let's take off the arm, too. And she goes, okay. So I thought I was just getting arms for free. Like, I was like, I paid last time. She's just going to forget that I didn't pay for arms. And then I get up to the front desk and she's like, I'm going to give you a discount. It's $1,500. She was really $1,700.

And then with taxes, about $1,600. I just paid $1,600. And I was on the way here and I was just like, I'm having a crisis right now because I just dropped $1,600 that I didn't intend to drop today. What kind of person does that? That used to be the most money to me. And he was wondering if he was going to eat for the next week because he bought a bomber jacket. And that thing cost $198. I just spent $1,600 so I wouldn't have hair on my arms.

Unless you had some fucking really hairy arms. I literally did. I was in the cabin. I was like, I am having so much anxiety about spending $1,600 that I feel like I just don't deserve it. It's not that I don't have it. I was having so much anxiety that I was digging through my wallet. Andrew saw me.

I was like, where's my Klonopin? Where is it? Because I have an emergency. I don't take that shit all the time. I only take it when I have flare-ups and when I have like, I want to be like not anxious for this. I didn't want to be thinking about my $1,600 well.

Can I add some anxiety to you here? The Klonopin was for this? You don't want to be nervous for this? Well, I didn't want to, it was not that I would get nervous for this, but I didn't want to be thinking about, God, I just spent $1,600 while I'm doing this because I would be talking to you here? The Klonopin was for this? You didn't want to be nervous for this? Well, I didn't want to, it was not that I would get nervous for this, but I didn't want to be thinking about, God, I just spent $1,600

while I'm doing this because I would be talking to you and I'd be like, Guess what? It sounds like you're thinking about it. I'm not, actually. I feel like almost like

so good because it's kicking it. Crushing around Klonopin. It's kicking it. What? I'm high on drugs. I feel great. It's the only time I feel

a little drunk anymore. Like I, um. Yeah, that's pretty funny feel a little drunk anymore. Like I, um, yeah, that's pretty funny for a sober person to be like, where's my Klonopin? Yeah. It's, it's weird.

It's the only time because when I eat weed, I was going to maybe eat a half of a, a Tootsie roll that I have that has weed in it. But I was like, that might make me more anxious for this. I might be more funny. I might be not, I'd rather not roll the dice on that,

but we just never makes me feel drunk. Like I haven't drank for eight years and it's rare that I feel like oh, my God, this is what it's like to feel a little drunk. I only feel it, Klonopin, and that's very minor. It just pretty much I usually don't even feel it. It just takes away whatever obsessive thought was just currently invading my brain. But then also I got a laser facial. I have a lot of lasers in my life. Apparently.

So many. Well, it's in my last name. You got a laser facial. I have a lot of lasers in my life. Apparently. Let's say my last name. You got to honor it. So I was getting a laser facial that was brutal, dude. It like burnt my face off. And when you get it done. You're not worried about that going wrong or something like that? No, it can only go right.

The only way it goes wrong is if you don't do it. Well, what about the laser hair? The laser hair. It's got to be burning your hair off. Can't something go wrong there? What if times change? What if, like, fucking. Yeah, I'm worried. The bush is back already.

What if it comes full back? I'm not so worried about that as the asshole hair. I think that could really come back in style. I'm scared to commit to not having any asshole hair. It is weird. Like, I had to lay down on this bed. It was so weird. Well, I sent Andrew a picture.

Hop up on the table, Nikki. Okay. So at one point during it. You do feel drunk. I sent Andrew a picture. Pop up on the table. Okay, so at one point during the... You do feel drunk. I'd be doing this anyway, I think. But she, like, and this happens if you're a girl and you have ever had your vagina in, like, wax, or your whole,

you know, the Brazilian wax. You literally, you get the front done, which she was doing the front and I was just laying there like that, and she's, like, literally opening up my vagina. And this is with, like, a gun or something? It goes, ka-ching, ka-ching! And it shoots like air. It feels like air, but it's a laser. And Andrew, you were in the waiting room.

You heard it. It's ka-ching, ka-ching! For like a thousand ka-chings because it's my whole body. So she's getting in my vagina and I was like, I guess, I was like on my phone so I didn't even realize

if she got my asshole or not. But then she goes, I really don't even feel it anymore. I like don't have any like- What session are we on? This is my second. Oh, wow, all right. But then she goes, I really don't even feel it anymore. I don't have any... What session are we on? This is my second. So then I turn over. She's like, turn over. She's doing my back legs. And then she goes, I need help. Can you help me

with your back area? And I was like, oh, right. You have to literally pull your ass cheeks apart. It feels so... And then it's and there's like this air being like by your asshole. It's kind, it's so, and then it's and there's like this air being like like by your asshole. It's kind of thrilling. Dude, talk about anxiety

for that. If I was, if I had to fucking spread my cheeks for a stranger, I would be like squirting shampoo up my ass before I went in that thing. That thing would be the cleanest fucking asshole you've ever seen in your life. And, John, it's so funny because I did not, as she was doing it, I forgot that I did it.

Usually when I'm getting that kind of stuff done, I, like, make sure everything is where. It's like cleaning up before the maid comes over. Before you clean, before you clean. I'll clean up, but you clean my clean house. Oh, my God, it is exactly that. Mom, why do I have to clean? And the maid's coming over. Nikki, I want it to be tidy.

Yeah, I usually do that. And this time I forgot, and I and I was like oh I hope there's and it's fine even if there was she's seen it all she doesn't care well you gotta think those people

lasers and wax people whatever you gotta look around the rest of the clientele of like New York City or the world they're thrilled if you come in

and you're not like obese and gross and old and homeless you know what I mean and I paid $7500 to have my whole that's so much money and I want to speak to what you said

about the hair thing the bush being back I do feel weird because I did get it all done on my first session and so now I can kind of like taper it back and maybe have it grow up do you guys think I should keep something down there like how is your thoughts about like women

he wants a fucking afro down there. No, I... He's been saying the Bush is back since, like, 2013. I've been saying it forever. You're the one that brought it back. But every time we come in, every time we have a porn star in here, because, look, the fact of the matter is, porn sets the trends for how regular people have sex.

And the fact of the matter is that in porn, there's a significant amount of Bushes these days on top porn stars. Oh, okay. And I think that means... See, I think you're safe for a bet, though. When I see Michael Jordan play basketball, I'm like, I want to do MJ moves. I think when girls are watching porn, they're like,

well, that's what the superstars are. I think I've definitely been saying it for a long time. I've been like a Tom Brady hater. Like, he's going to be bad. You're the Max Kellerman of bush. Yeah, you are. He's been saying it for so long. He's not wrong, but I think that

it's a safe bet. There'll be trends like wax like bald, bush, bald, bush, bald, bush. But steady down the middle, there's going to be guys who are never going to be like, ah, that hairless pussy was terrible. You know what I mean? That's old faithful.

You can air on the side. No hair. Yeah, you're good. I don't know. Okay, so what about if you keep, because no one wants hair on the bottom side. No. Like, that's never, right? So it's just the top.

Yeah, it's always. Look at you, yeah. No. It's always like below. Maybe a landing strip, but anything like below the clip. Why do you even need a landing strip? You don't. Why does anyone need anything?

I think you're good. Sometimes it's just like, it's just nice. It's just like. For what? It's like, I don't that's why anything i think you're good sometimes it's just like it's just nice it's just like for what it's like it's like i don't know it's it's kind of it reminds you of like you see a fucking totally woman it's like yeah like it's like okay this is like a doll i used to play with i've never i've never like i'm never gonna be like ew gross of a hairless yeah but it's also i've never looked at a girl who's waxed and been like this reminds me of like a prepubescent no because i've never looked at you know what i what I mean? Those thoughts don't enter my brain.

I think it's a little weird if they do enter your brain. Thank God they don't. Do you ever just go, God, thank God I'm not a pedophile? Every day. Every day I wake up. It's the luck of the goddamn draw. It's not like they choose to be pedophiles. They just are attracted to, I'm always like, thank God.

Every time I see a young boy and I don't want to fuck him, I'm so grateful. I really am. And it's rare, but when I don't want to fuck a child, I am grateful. No, you would got to be grateful for that. Would you rather? Oh, boy. I mean, I'm thinking about all the hands God or whoever can deal you. And it's like.

Pedophilia is one of the worst. Would you rather be paralyzed or a pedophile? Oh. Paralyzed. Like no, you have no capabilities. Like you're driving your thing with your teeth. You know what I mean?

I would like to be like, well, I could just, I have so many instincts. I don't think anybody, like, legally here can say I'd rather be the pedophile, but I think we're all thinking it. I think we're all thinking it.

Because here's the thing, there are many pedophiles, and this is real, that, like, don't act on it. Right. They go to groups and they have never acted on it, or so they say, but they're like, this is the way it is, but I'm never gonna act on it. They go to groups and they have never acted on it,

or so they say, but they're like, this is the way it is, but I'm never going to act on it and let's talk about how to deal with this. And it's a really tough thing to, obviously it's like the worst hand

to be dealt, like you said, but like, you can't even tell a therapist about it because a therapist will report you and then like, you're not allowed. I mean, it's, I think I would kill myself.

Yeah, I mean, I'd be like, nope, it's not going to work. Then you just said, pedophile above paralysis, so. I think I would kill myself. Yeah, I mean. Nope, it's not going to work. Then you just said pedophile above paralysis. I'd kill myself above paralysis. If I ever get in an accident where I am like out, like just smother me with a pillow. No, no, no.

I think actually that would be the best thing that ever happened to you. I think it would be one of those things where you go, this was the greatest thing. I couldn't slow down. My life was moving too fast. I couldn't take a break. This was God's way. Extended vacation. This was God greatest thing. I couldn't slow down. My life was moving too fast. I couldn't take a break. This was God's way. An extended vacation. This was God's way, whatever you want to say, of being like, Kevin, take a goddamn break. I think you're just quoting Kevin Hart right now.

I think Kevin Hart said exactly that about his car accident. I think you're right. I think you need to. I've been talking about taking a vacation as long as you've been talking about Bush being back. And we've never done it. So maybe I just got to get paralyzed. Well, I don't know. That's the thing, though, with the Bush is I don't know what style to choose above the slit.

Like, what do you get? Do you get a triangle? Why don't you get, like, Nicky? Like, the Puerto Rican guys who get, like, a name carved in their head? Like, why don't you just do that? My laser girl is not. Blaze dog right above the bush. Called the dog house. You can't go wrong with a triangle.

A triangle? Yeah. The pizza slice. That's the apocalypse. Or just the laser strip. I can't go wrong with a triangle. A triangle? Yeah. The pizza slice. That's the popcorn. Or just the leg strip. I don't think I have hair to make that. Oh, you got a tiny bush too? My bush is like this big.

I have a hairless body. I'm like an inside out cat. Wow, you really are. And it's just, it's like, the girls on the office the other day were shocked that like, guys have to shave their balls.

Oh, yeah. And they were like, how often do you shave your balls? I was like, oof, I don't know, maybe once a year were shocked that, like, guys have to shave their balls. Oh, yeah. And they were like, how often do you shave your balls? I was like, oof, I don't know, maybe once a year. And people were like, what? Once a year. I don't know, like, I just don't get hair on them. I'm not just letting fern gully grow down there. It's just, like, I rarely have to do it.

Yeah. It's really more of, like, a pluck thing than a shave. Are you plucking your balls? Someone was saying that they made their boyfriend show him how he does it, and he stretches out like a bat wing. You should. I don't do that. That's crazy.

That's what you do when you get your vagina waxed. You have to pull up so that it's very taut. You get in there and the crevices and whatnot. Yeah, you got to make it taut. But when do you decide to shave your balls? You just go, okay, well, this is. I usually give it like a once over when I decide that the above my clit has to go. When you want them shave your balls? You just go, okay, well this is. I usually give it a once over when I decide that above my clit

has to go. I'm like, ah, there's a hair. I just pull it out. I don't get hair down there. I don't pluck. Do you shave your balls? I'm not going to pull it pot and get out the Mach 3. You just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's the double standard that exists, which is a great one to be on as a guy, where it's just like, make it a little bit better. A little bit better. Just put a little effort into it. It's the same thing we do to our bodies. You don't need to touch it. It's like the dad bod of balls.

You know what I mean? It doesn't have to be great. Just be a little bit better. You're so right. Whereas with a girl, it's like, get a fucking ka-ching laser machine out. Pay thousands of dollars and then maybe we'll go down on you that's the only time like my ex-boyfriend used to go down on me if i was like fresh out of the shower and like totally shaved like it had to be like

pristine i'm like oh i disagree that whole i think if you do that you're a fucking loser it wasn't like that i had a nasty i'll walk fuck a dirty barn. I don't care. Would you go down on a dirty barn? Yeah, fucking wake up. I mean, I will. Fuck you. Let's rug some. I would... There is something good out of the shower.

You're just kind of like... Oh, it's the best. Like, I don't even know where I'm licking. I can wake up. I can open my eyes. I'm on the back side, the front side. Every single time. Out of the shower.

But it's better. But it doesn't... Give me a little out of the showers with some summer's eve and I'm a happy guy summer's dude it doesn't like no I guess you want the ph

out of balance you want to have a little stank on it it doesn't matter what time of day it is I will be a dog who just got home

from a July walk where I'm just like in the water like just sweating his ass I'm like I need refreshment and you have it in your vagina, apparently.

Oh, my God. You're an American hero. Dude, once a year, I'm going to celebrate you. The one day a year you shave your balls, that's going to be a holiday that we honor you and what you just said. That is amazing. I really like that. I,

cause, cause the thing about fresh out of the shower, getting your pussy eaten is like, you have no, you're not worried about anything. Like you're like, you know, you're good to go.

So I can just kick back and enjoy myself. Whereas when, yeah, just ankles over my head. Um, but when, when I'm not, even though I'm sure that it's fine, there's still

a part of me that's like, is he going to be like, but I love your you don't care. I don't give a shit. I don't care. It does sound like you prefer it to be a little off. No, I don't give you off. I just don't give a, I'm not going to ask you. I'm like, I don't, I don't, I had a girl once ask me how often I shower.

And I was like, I was in college and I was like playing baseball times. I was like, oh, I shower like three times a day, like to wake up after practice, before bed, all that stuff. She was shower and I was like I was in college I was like playing baseball times I was like oh I shower like three times a day like to wake up after practice before bed all this stuff she was like I was in college in Vermont at the time and she's like ew I shower like twice a week tops I was like whatever I don't give a fuck about your pussy I'd prefer if it was daily but

I'm gonna I would prefer to be I would really prefer to be daily yeah I mean like when I make out with someone and my breath is like I just had something i'm like can i go brush my teeth and then we continue you know what can i ask you i don't i don't like if i if you have let's say you ate like fucking onions or something like that and i'm kissing you i don't think i've ever like tasted someone's bad breath i tasted the morning that's it yeah morning morning breath yeah i'd rather eat morning pussy than kiss morning but i don't mind like wait. I'd rather eat morning pussy than kiss morning mouth. But I don't mind, like...

Wait, what? I'd rather eat morning pussy than kiss morning mouth. I completely agree. Yeah, I think without a question. My pussy hasn't been, like, all night. You know what I mean? It's not been, like, open to the elements, having bacteria. There's probably a spider in there.

I didn't swallow eight spiders last night. Yeah, that's so true. But I think you're right about the food thing, whenever someone's like i have garlic breath i'm like i like garlic i don't care if i put like my nose in your mouth and i was i don't know it just to me it's like i have a weird thing about it because i don't have bad breath but a guy wrote a song about me having bad breath because he was hurt when i broke up with him and i had bad breath one time when we made out because i had just eaten like, and it was an instance of like where I knew my breath was like,

ugh, a lot of onions on that salad. And I go, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I re I said that during the makeout, went to brush my teeth, went back to the kissing. Um,

and then, uh, I broke up with him. And then, uh, a couple, like a month after we broke up, he wrote an entire rap song.

Taylor Swift on it. Oh, he was a rapper and he wrote a song about me having bad breath. Did he drop your name? No, but he performed it on a show where he was opening for me. And he goes, hey, I wrote a song about you. Is it cool if I do it? And all the songs he had written about me before were like so sweet.

It was like literally raps about how cute I looked when I slept. So I was like, yeah, do the song. And then he started into this song and I was like, this is an angrier beat than I'm used to. And I'm just watching. Did the audience know at this point? The audience did not know.

They did not. Thank God they didn't know. But I knew because he was like, I'm doing this song about you. I'm not going to tell you which one. But I knew which one because I knew all of his other work. And it was the worst. He described my breath as like just, I mean, he went so far. The audience, I remember looking at the audience, and the audience the worst. He described my breath as like, just, I mean, he, he went so far. The audience, I remember looking at the audience and the audience was like, oh, like I was,

and I didn't think it was me still because he had a longer set. And so I was like, oh, maybe the song about me is coming up. And this one isn't the one. You thought the guy you just dumped was like, all right, the sweet one's coming. That'll be about me. I swear to you. I had no idea because I remember he even dated, he dated a friend of mine who was the girl he broke up with right before me.

And so I, I thought, Oh my God, wait till I tell this girl what he wrote about. This is awful. And then it was about me because the reason I knew is because in the song he does, uh,

in the bridge of the song, he goes, and then she realized like, you know, he's like rapping. He's like, and then she realized it was bad you know, he's like rapping, he's like, and then she realized it was bad, and she was like, dude, I gotta go brush my teeth,

because that's what I do when I feel like my breath is bad. And then she came back, and it was worse! It was something like that, which there's no way that's true. It was just a stupid part of the song. And he... Clearly this hasn't bothered you or stuck with you at all. This was nine years ago, and I have not spoken to him since.

He got off stage and he came up to me. We were supposed to hang out that night. I thought we were going to hook up. I had broken up with him three weeks prior over the phone because it was long distance. And I just wasn't into it anymore. And I go, you know what? You're opening for me in Boston. You should still open for me.

Let's hang out that night. He does that song. And we had gone to dinner before the show. And I was feeling it and i was like feeling it i was like maybe we'll get back together here i was like excited to hook up with him that night and he got off stage and i said never ever speak to me again and he that's pretty fucked to do to someone when you open for them oh yeah and i've never spoken to him since he wrote me an email apologizing i said nope not accepted he wrote me another email years later i said not accepted. He wrote me another email years later. I said, not accepted. And then he asked me for

forgiveness on Yom Kippur. He wrote me this long email about, like, this is the... That's the time you're supposed to do it. He was like, I've never gotten over how bad that made me feel terrible that I did that to you, and I really do feel sorry for it, and I apologize. And I said,

okay, actually, I forgive you. I let it go. I was able to listen to rap music again I'm not kidding you I couldn't listen to Eminem anymore I loved Eminem and that's why I kind of loved this guy because he was very good at rapping like he's a really good rapper and then I was able to like I was like oh my god I'm not gonna be friends with him but I'm like

I can listen to rap music again I'm like over it and then he went on a podcast and talked about it and I was like forgiveness revoked it's back on and did you reach out and tell him that no he just rescinded well I saw him in a restaurant and he like got scared when he saw me because he knows that I'm pissed again like it's gotten

through the grapevine and I've you know this is and here it is again this is almost exactly a plot of Always Sunny when Sweet D dumps Special Kev right before he goes on stage I think he raps about her bad breath on that. I think in the rap he calls her a bird and

a dumb bird. She thinks he's mentally challenged the whole time. I really felt connected to that episode. I felt that. I realized what it's like being on the receiving end of jokes or whatever.

Cause his defense was Nikki, you write jokes about ex boyfriends, you know, and that's okay. And I'm like, you know what it is? Because when I write jokes about guys that have like hurt me or something, it's just like a line I think of. And I'm like,

Oh, that'd be funny. And I just like write it in my phone. It's not me sitting down. He sits at a cafe and he's like, what rhymes with dumpster mouth and he like looks it up he spent like three hours writing that song and i'm like there was effort put into hurting me whereas mine are just like oh yeah that'd be funny to say about a guy have you ever

had uh like have you ever been the other person though you ever had someone be like that joke was fucked up like you cross the line there you yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. That's a yes. Yes, it's happened. It's definitely happened. I've told things on podcasts that have gotten me in huge trouble. And I've, huge, dude, huge. And then I've done jokes about people that I can't even talk about it.

Yeah, I know. It would just break it up again. It's an asshole thing. But it's also like it's a huge part of my job. Yeah, I know job my job is like making jokes and like having fun

with things that happen in my life right I don't work at H&R Block I can't just go and be like okay I'm never

going to talk about this again to anyone that matters I know for 10 years we've talked about things that happen sometimes I make jokes

about things that happen I think now it's also very much on the table I think early on it's like you knew me before I was doing this

and I never did that before now it's like I am probably going to say some horrible shit about you eventually just a given this is what I this is what I feel

about guys and now I'm starting to realize maybe that's why it's so hard for me to find a boyfriend is like why would you sign up to have your sex life talked about on stage because i will i will but i won't put it on blast if if you don't like do something to actually hurt me and not just like accidentally hurt me but like like really hurt me i'm not gonna make fun of your dick i'm never gonna make fun of how you are in bed like i really don't do that if you you look at my acting, I'll talk about it. It's pretty, like, corny and cliche, sort of.

I would never be like, he had a small dick. Like, even if you did, that's never something I would go after, ever, ever, ever. But if you're just, like, a mama's boy or you're, like, something, if you're, like, in love with your mom, like, I'll make fun of a guy if he's, like, obsessed with his mom or, like, if he can't access his feelings, like like i'll make fun of that okay well fuck off yeah double fuck off dude i yeah what else that's what i'll go to town if you all right good so but nothing like i would no i want to make sure there's no future to any man listening that might date me i'm never gonna make fun of your dick ever even if you i'd rather you make fun of my dick than my mom and bitch well i'd never make fun of someone's mom but i would make fun of the fact that you're in love with your mom. Because you all are.

Yeah. What's wrong with loving your mom? You're fighting for the affection, and guess what? My mom's getting more than you, so you're fucking jealous because my mom's cooler than you. That's why I want a guy with a dead mom. I'm not joking you. I'm looking for a guy with a dead mom.

Yeah, because you'll never be able to compete with that. You can't. They will never love you. Isn't that harder? for a guy with a dead mom yeah because you'll never be able to compete with that you can't they will never love you but almost isn't that harder like what if it's like a dead mom who like you can't stop thinking

about a dead mom because she's so much she was an amazing dead mom okay first of all I want your mom to have been amazing because I want you

to love women and I want your mom to have been a great example for how you treat women but I want her to be long gone and by the way and if you ever have kids

you want your son to be like that to you but you don't want a guy who does that to his mom fuck off no no no you don't want a guy who does that to his mom. Fuck off. No, no, no. Fuck off. I want a guy to do that to his mom, but I just want her dead.

I'm not asking for much here. She's going to die eventually. My ideal guy is someone who lost his mom in childhood before she was taken off the pedestal. Because obviously when you're a kid, you look at your mom and you're like, she's the most wonderful woman in the world. And then you get older and you're like, oh, she's an alcoholic. She's like emotionally abusive or whatever. You see your mom for what she is and you start to hate women secretly. So I want your mom to die before you lose that love for her.

So Prince Harry and Prince William are ideal men. I think you want it like, you're saying childhood. I think you want it probably like 14. Yep. Okay. Because you come back, because you do, you go through like your rebellious phase where you kind of get fight to the parents and whatnot. I feel like in the heat of that is when you want them to go.

Because you come back around and you're like, wait, my parents are cool as shit. We like hang out and fuck around and get drunk together and do that kind of shit. I want, I'm really attracted to a guy who has had a lot of trauma early on because it's thrust them into therapy early on. So they've been working on themselves for fucking years. Cause when you're a kid and something traumatic happens to you, you don't have a choice whether or not you have to go to talk to a professional. You're a boy who has to go talk to someone.

And then you learn that therapy is not an emasculating thing. It's actually makes you a better person. And those men who have that. Well, John threw a chair out a window when he was eight and he had to go to therapy. Great. And that's why he's probably. Yeah. Great. therapy. Great. And that's why he's probably – Yeah. Great.

Great. Great? Were you going to use the G word? I think he's pretty great. I think he goes down on girls after they've – no matter what time of day or season or when they've showered. Yeah. He's going down on that Vermont, like, free-spirited puss. That's all it takes.

And, yeah, and I think that that was the therapy early on in your life from throwing that chair through a window. Like free spirited puss. That's all it takes. And yeah. And I think that that was the therapy early on in your life from throwing that chair through the window. I got you to that point. I don't know why I did it, but I was. Yeah. Yeah. We never found out. Yeah.

But I like. Yeah. I just think that guys are in love with their moms. And listen, I'm obviously I'll like your mom. I'm this is all based on a boyfriend. It's all based on attention. You want all the attention. Yes.

And if there's a mom that takes away from it, you're mad. No. Yes. I can share the attention with the mom. No, you cannot. Yes, I can. No, you cannot. Here's the thing, Kevin.

I don't want to be at my wedding and watching you slow dance with your mom and get kind of jealous because you seem to be having a better time with her than you've ever had with me. Guess what? That's what I don't want. That's how it's going to fucking happen. No, it's not. Yes, it is. That's't want. That's how it's going to fucking happen. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

Well, that's sad then. That's reality. You need to look at your life because if you can't let go of this weird, what an Oedipal connection to your mom. No, no, no. It's not about that. It's not about that. I could slow dance with Feidelberg and have a better time at the wedding than the girl

who's been nagging me and fighting with me and made me pay for this wedding and all that shit. Okay, well then you're choosing the wrong woman to marry. That's what I'm saying. It's like I just know that I have in the past been jealous of boyfriends and the affection and the love that they have for their moms that I'm like, why can't they like look at me that way or talk to me that way? And I'm choosing the wrong men probably. But also the moms just need to be dying a little bit quicker.

And by the way, I just might skip all this and get a son and have a son who loves me more than any man ever will. Like I said, it's all about the attention. So if you get the attention of the son, you're good. I really don't need that much attention. I got to be honest. And honestly, you don't cum anymore. No, I want to get fucked all the time. I don't need to come that much.

Twice a year, whatever. I don't know. I'm on the fence. When John shaves his balls, you'll come. How about that? On my holiday. My holiday. To honor each semiannual sale.

My calendar is really cramping up for that day. I'm going to have to shave. I'm going to go to Nikki's party for me. Well, we are off work that day, John. So we'll have the whole day. Banks are closed. I'm going to, we are off work that day, John. So we'll have the whole day. Banks are closed. I'm going to have a lot of time that day.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think most, isn't there some movie where it's like, oh, I guess it's When Harry Met Sally. Girls that think they're low maintenance are high maintenance. It's just like, I don't know. What's high maintenance, though? Your mother has to be dead. She doesn't have to be dead, but she's got to be I don't know. What's high maintenance, though? Your mother has to be dead. She doesn't have to be dead, but she's got to be on her way out. I can't go.

She can't. You can't just, like, you can't put her before me every single time. Not ever. If your mom's sick or, like, needs you in some way that it's desperate. Yeah, but, like, your mom has done so much more for you than your girlfriend or wife. Then you need to find a husband, old woman. It's like your son can't be. Women that rely on their sons to provide some kind of husband role is gross. I think you're blurring the line here with what a mama's boy is and a needy mom.

It's not about the mom. My mom, I am for sure a mama's boy, but not because my mom needs me. It's because I like my mom. Yeah, my mom would never call me and be like, I need you to do something. No, never. I'll call her and be like, what's up? I enjoy talking to her. She doesn't need me.

Okay, well, you need to get a handle on that because your mom actually doesn't need you, so why are you checking in so much? I like talking to her. She's a fun lady to talk to. Okay, well, that's fine if you like talking to your mom and chatting with her every day. But it's not fine because if I was on the phone with her, just like talking, like I call my mom and lady to talk to. Okay, well, that's fine. If you like talking to your mom and chatting with her every day. But it's not fine because if I was on the phone with her, just like talking, like I call my mom and I talk about baseball.

You'd be like, hang up the phone and talk to me. Like, well, bitch, you don't want to talk about the Mets. Sorry, get more interesting. Be cool like my mom. Okay, I don't want to talk about the Mets, so I would gladly let your mom take that conversation from me. I don't want to talk. So whatever your mom, but if you're on the phone with your mom for hours a day, that's a problem.

I call her for the walk probably three times a week I will call her for the walk either to work or from work. That's the same for me. I have the same relationship with my parents. I'm talking about these guys that will fly home because their mom is a little bit sick or something.

And it's just like going to and buying their mom bath soaps. it's just like going to – And that's more of a mom who's like – And buying their mom like bath soaps. It's just like why are you – That's a very specific reference. Your mom can buy her own bath soaps. Why are you thinking about your mom in the bath so much? No.

Okay, yeah. No, that's – That's different. We want to clear things up here. We are not that kind of mama's boy. I talked to my mom on the phone. You just like your mom. That's what I –

Oh, and worse than that – Worse than a guy who's obsessed with his mom is a guy who hates his mom. I would never want that. Then that guy fucking hates women. Because that's the first woman you know. Do you have a will? Well,

there's a way. Yes, I do. I do have a will. I feel like, because Rudy was talking about this today, how long do you have when you stay in a vegetative state? Oh, I don't know that I I do have a will. I feel like because Rudy was talking about this today. How long do you have where you would stay in a vegetative state? Oh, I don't know that I have that in my will. Like truly like you're done? Yeah. Like 30 seconds.

Rudy picked 17 days because it was his hockey number. You are such a fucking meathead. You are such a meathead. As you were saying that, I was like, oh, Nikki should be there. Then Nikki would be interesting with her will. If it's lights out for me. You would be like, whatever. Wait a second. So there's no chance that I was like, oh, Nikki's a fan. Then Nikki would be interesting with her will. If it's lights out for me, whatever. Wait a second,

so there's no chance that I come back? That's what I'm saying. If it's curtains, like... I don't know, people come out of vegetative states,

right? Or comas? Is there a difference between vegetative and coma? Well, then forever. Wait for me to come out of it. Oh, no. You high-maintenance bitch.

I gotta sit around and like fucking massage your feet so you don't get sores and shit. How long would you want your mom to be in a vegetative state? No, see that, see my mom's cool. She was like, pull the plug. I want to talk to her. I think my mom is actually like, my mom will get

in like a car accident with like a broken leg and she'll be like that's it guys, let me go. Just get it, you know, get the injection ready. It's like, ma, you just like broke your ankle. A vegetative state with no resuscitation? Take me out right away. I don't want to. Yeah, I'm on that NDA too. I don't want to be a burden. Not NDA.

Do not resuscitate. DNR. DNR, yeah, yeah, yeah. NDA too, though. I'm on the DMV. What? Dave Matthews, man. Just play it while you pull the plug.

I just want to listen to Lover Lay Down as I pass on to the next. Where are you at on consent these days, Nikki Glaser? What? Great question, Kevin. Do a little word association. Consent. Where are you at on consent these days, Nikki Glaser? Great question, Kevin. Do a little word association. Consent. I am, oh, you know, obviously I love consent when it comes to sticking your dick inside me.

But. Good spot to be in it. Yeah, because some guys can be like two guys can be naked. Or a guy and a girl can be naked and then like a dick sometimes will just slip in and the guy will be like, no, that was fine because we were naked. And it's like, well, no, it's not. That wasn't – or a guy can say like you can be like, yeah, I'm ready to have sex and then they put it in without a condom and you're like, no, no, no, that's not what I meant. So there's a lot of gray area. What are you getting at? I have two questions.

Okay, first things first. Where are you at with consent about sexting? Not my dick going inside you, me talking about my dick. Because this girl on Twitter who, I think her Twitter bio is, like, feminist. So, like, she is, yeah, feminism, sex, and psychonautics? I don't even know what that word means. So she's a writer, and she tweeted this out yesterday. It came on the heels of another tweet that went viral about Headspace.

Did you see that one? Someone said, you should text people, are you currently in the right Headspace to receive some news that could be considered upsetting to you? Is this before a dick pic? So then this girl says that she goes, ask consent for all sexual encounters, even sexting. I just came up with this script. You're all welcome to borrow it. And she put a screenshot of the text. I've been having some sexual thoughts about you.

I'd like to share over text if you'd enjoy that. Okay. If you got that sent to you, how would you react? I do not need to be asked for consent when it's a sext because I'll just either go, ew, God, gross, and like talk about it on a podcast or I will like it. But for men, I found that sometimes when I send really super filthy things, it just isn't met with the same enthusiasm as other times. And I go, oh, it's just because they're just not that horny. They just came. They just – they're not ready for it.

So it's not that I'm... I now, the last time I sent something, I said, hey, the next time you want to come, I have a great video for you. Let me know when to send it. And so that was... You're trying to maximize the return on your sext. Exactly. That's smart. That is super smart.

That is true. You catch me at the wrong time, the game, whatever's happening. Catch me at the right time, it's like the best thing you've ever said. Catch me at the right time, I'll clear my schedule. Right. That's very smart. Let's hit it. So you're not asking, you're not really asking for consent.

You're asking for like when is this going to really hit home? Yeah, but it's almost like consent because it's like when's it going to be a good time for you? When's it going to be the best time for you to receive this in the way that it's meant to be received? I almost feel like if you sent that, that would be like – I was laughing about that tweet right there because it sounds so silly. So silly. It sounds so almost elementary where it's like I've been having some sexual thoughts about you I'd like to share. Very like scientific.

It's very like how you teach kindergartners to scientific. It's very, like, how you teach, like, kindergartners to talk. And it's, like, that makes it sound creepy. But if you're just, like, yo, I got a fire vid for you. When are you ready for that? Like, right now. Yeah, that's the thing. It's, like, you know, I might not be in the mood, but that text just sent me there. But now I'm in the mood.

Yeah, I'm horny for consent. Yeah, it's way better than just sending it and waiting for them to write like, so hot or like, Jesus or whatever the fuck they write. It's so hard. I'll tell you what. It's so hard to sound gracious repeatedly. Can I tell you what to do? Just let us know we're the hottest thing

you've ever seen in your life. How many different ways can you say that? Jesus fucking Christ. Good Christ. I cannot believe what I'm looking at. You're the hottest chick I've ever seen in my life. All right, the first time, okay. Oh, my God, I can't wait to stick my dick in that. Okay, yeah.

No, no, no. See, it gets repetitive saying it. I'm like, I sound unoriginal. This sounds so fucking lame to be like, holy shit, for the 70th time. I know, but it's like... If it still hits, it still hits. But it's hits for the 70th time. I know, but it's... If it still hits, it still hits. Crazy Camp Pogues is still fucking in place. Well, it better not be tits.

We're not children. Come on. What? It better not be tits. We're not children. Well, I mean, what else should it be? Your boobs? Get the fuck out of here with that. You need Bush? Oh, I need like a fucking ultrasound. It's asshole or bust. It's asshole or bust. Get the speculum out.

Oh, no. Back on the speculum. No, we were into speculum. Last time we got into speculum, I would say seven minutes in. It was nice to meet you. What do you think about speculums? No, I feel like tits are a classic, though.

If you're doing tits, you need to be wearing lower clothes. I think that makes it seem a little bit more... Even if you're in jeans or thong, I don't want you to be totally naked. If the focal point is the boobs, I want something on. I can feel that.

What's the best vagina angle to do? I don't even know. Any. I don't care. Vagina works. I mean, we know you don't care. I thought the Hope Solo pics were hot. People were like, ew. I didn't see those. People thought Hope was a lovely vagina.

It looks like something out of Stranger Things. No, it's fucking not. She's got a Demogorgon pussy. I don't know. Her pussy matches her personality. It's a violent pussy it's a rah

scary rah was it leaked or like you're not allowed to look at it I won't look at it ever

damn it now I know it's not good to look at and I shouldn't she's got the pussy of a girl who like beats up her cousin at a family reunion

what's wrong with it she's got a couple like domestic abuse charges on record what's wrong with it she beat up her cousin at a family reunion. What's wrong with it? She's got a couple domestic abuse charges on record. What's wrong with it? She beat up her boyfriend who was a professional football player. Okay, what is wrong with her pussy physically? Look, I'm the guy who likes it. If I remember correctly, it's extremely lippy, I think, right? I think it's, yeah, it's a little lippy.

It had a mouth on it? Yeah. Again, it really reminded me of the Stranger Things. God, I just don't know what the vagina is like compared to these girls. I just want to see it. She gave you the kind of pictures where I was like, yeah, that might have been taken with a colonoscopy

thing, where she gets up in it. Okay. Real close and personal. Oh, wow. That makes it seem a little more aggressive, like it's yelling at you. Yes. But yelling is a good way, like it's yelling at you. Yes. But it's but like yelling is a good way

like fuck me! Not like a scarecrow. Did you see it? Oh my gosh. She's got a scarecrow pussy. A what? An old goalie glove. An old goalie glove.

Oh my god. It is okay to talk about her sex I think because she's criminal. Yeah. She's a domestic abuser. Yeah she's not a a good person, so we can make fun of her pussy. Alright.

Okay. So just pussy, I mean, do you want asshole? Oh yeah. That's like the holy grail. That's the pinnacle. Do you need it to be bleached? No, I don't want it to be terrible. We actually just said the other day, the biggest difference between

amateur porn stars and real full blown porn stars is your asshole you can see an amateur asshole and it's fine but that's what a regular person looks like whereas a porn star looks like you go to a public basketball park and you see guys playing

and you're like oh that guy's fucking pretty good out there and then you see Michael Jordan fly or LeBron James fly that's what professionals do that's how the asshole difference is it's their livelihood pretty good out there. And then you see like a Jordan fly or LeBron James flying. It's like, I've never seen that. That's how the asshole difference. They put in, they put in, it's their livelihood.

It's a humongously important part of their job and their paycheck. And like, I gotta, I gotta take care of this thing. I gotta make sure I get a full eight hours sleep. how to make it look the best. I guess you get a bleach. I don't think it's,

I think it's like the right amount of bleaching. You know what I mean? It's almost like plastic surgery. Like if you go too far, you look like a freak. If your asshole's fucking white, that's not good either. They probably have found that happy medium.

They have scientists find that. LeBron James, again, spends a million dollars a year on sleep habits. Right. Porn stars are like, look, you gotta figure out the asshole science. Have you ever seen an asshole when you've been with a girl and been like, yikes. I don't think so. I don't think I've ever been like yikes I don't know

we'll close that we're going cheeks in today because of hair it's just a distracting thing there could have been some ka-ching ka-ching going on there they could have used that this is making me so insecure.

It really is. You just feel so confident. I just got my whole puss lasered. Now I'm like, maybe I should have kept it covered. It's just like so much anxiety. I swear to God. It's so hard for me to hook up with someone new

because I'm just worried that it's not going to be to their liking. And then they're going to go on a, they're going to like talk about it with their friends. And they're going to be like, he plays his pussy with like fucking men. I actually, I don't do that. I don't think you do either really. No, I mean like we don't like talk like, no. I've never talked about like specifics or like, you know.

And like I think people would probably have that stereotypical view of like, barstool sports. It's just a bunch of guys talking about the chicks they fucked last night. I don't think anyone here has ever come up and been like, dude, I was with this chick last night and it's like crazy. I don't think that happens as much as you think it does. Because I literally turned down a fingering recently because my hair situation just wasn't what I wanted it to be. And he was like, I don't care. And I was like,

I'm just like not shaved and I don't feel good about it, even though I wanted it so bad. There are going to be plenty of guys who don't care, but I feel like it's more like if you're going to be uncomfortable the whole time, then it ain't. Well, I would have been fine with it, but I didn't trust him to not go, you know who has the fucking hairiest pussy? Mickey Glazer.

That guy. I mean, if you're not at that level, he probably should not be putting things inside you. No, sometimes you just want to catch a finger, though. Sometimes you just want one in you. No dry fingering, right? Dry fingering is, you know want one in you. But like that's what I got. No dry fingering, right? Dry fingering is, you know. Oh God, no. I don't understand

what that, I don't think I've ever been part of like a dry, like how long does a dry fingering last? I mean, well not long because I'll, like you get wet from them fingering you, but you should already, you should be pre-wet before you go down there. I've definitely done before where it's like,

you're trying to put your dick in and it's just like, oh, it's not there yet. Yeah. And that's when you go, yeah. That's okay. It's like, alright, the force is here. The force field's

still up on this one. We're going to have to do something else here. Your body is not physically open or receiving me yet. We're going to power through this. Speaking of consent. I'm like, boy, I really don't understand the female anatomy because I think maybe the door's not open yet. I don't understand. Is there an actual door here?

There's a mosquito net in the way or something. It's so embarrassing as a woman when the guy is like, when you're just like, and it's just like, you're like, no. It's like you jump on the tires in a parking lot where it's just like, you jump on the slip and slide with the hoses and on. That is like, it's so humiliating. You, you question everything as a woman when that happens, but I don't think as a man too. I was going to say, I'm not, I've never done that and been like, like mad at like, or like three seconds. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. No, that's the situation. All right. What do you think? Oh, uh, this came up on the radio today.

If a, you go home with a guy and he just, he takes out like a Magnum condom, not as like a thing. It's just like what he has in his bedside table. We're going to say it's like 1972 and people are still using condoms. Okay. And he's just like,

this is the condoms that I use. Like, is your reaction like really fucking dude? Do you think you need a Magnum? Or are you like, Hey, you need a Magnum? Or are you like, I need to see whether this is the condoms that I use. Is your reaction like, really fucking dude? Do you think you need a magnum? Or are you like, hey, you need a magnum? Or are you like, I need to see whether this is legit or not? Well, that's not going to make me sleep with him sooner by being like, oh, he must have a big dick. I'd just be like.

Well, I'd assume at this point it's about to go down anyway. Yeah, so I've already felt it or at least seen it, I think. I just get so stressed out by new dick. I can't even tell you. That's why you guys go back to the well, right? Doesn't add to the number and you know the dick. I just know it. It's an old friend. It's nice to see it. It doesn't

ever change. It's like when you meet up with an old friend from high school. You haven't seen him in like 10 years, but you kind of slip right back in. It's like, I know this dick. I know how to get it off. Do you feel the same anxiety with new puss? Like, what's it going to be down there?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like old, it takes a long time to crack the case, you know? Like, yeah. You gotta really figure somebody out.

I think it's way worse for us. Pretty much every dick you look at, like up, down, up, down, make it like wet with the various part of you, it's going to work. Yeah.

Girls, it's like, this way works for one girl, that way works for another girl. You're right. We're all different, and a lot of us don't even know what works for us. Pussies like snowflakes. Yeah. Dicks are like, I don't even know.

All the same, man. Yeah. They're all the opposite. A fucking small freak. They all go at it up and down. I don't know what I'm so scared of, but I just get anxiety that it's going to be way too small and I'm going to feel bad for him and feel like I have to say something to make him feel better or I have to ignore it. Just start rubbing it like a clit.

That'd be the funniest thing you could ever do. You going to come yet? Come on. Here we go. Here we go. I'll get you off, buddy. I know how to work this one. Yeah, this actually – oh, this is familiar.

Oh, he's got a hope solo. Oh, this is familiar. Oh, he's got a Hope solo. So, Magnum condom is what? I would think that. I would just be like, but I feel like Magnum condoms, though, now fit all. That's the thing. They're not actually. I think it's just great marketing by them to like.

You've seen the videos of like sex ed teachers being like, girls, if a guy says it doesn't fit watch this and like you could put a regular time just roll it down their arm yeah every dick fits right if i if someone's got a magnum comedy like you're a fucking loser dude you that's why i asked like you don't actually need it but what if it is just like a little bit bigger and like fits differently and this guy's just like this one i like this one better but you get the stigma of like wait you got big dick? I think it would be a conversation starter. I think it would be kind of fun because sex is so weird. You could be like, oh. It's anything to make fun of. I don't know.

I feel like it's a conversation starter. Like a tap out starts a conversation starter. You're like, what do you think you're doing wearing that? Do you think that makes you cooler? A bad conversation starter? Yeah, well, I would just say that. I'd be like, cool, magnum. Like, yeah, I mean.

So you're just belittum. Andrew, one time we went to buy condoms for him and he got my friend Andrew Collin and he got Ultra Thins. That sounds like your dick is ultra thin. That's the worst name for a condom ever. You might be thinking that.

I think it's another one called Barely Bare. Yeah, that it's like a thin... And then there's that whole world of the lambskin condoms or whatever. What the fuck is that? And when they say lambskin, is that like a euphemism? Or it's fucking made of lambskin?

I always assumed it was actually lambskin. You should wear them. Is it not? I think you're right. I'm just saying that seems weird to me. Latex isn't working? Let's go to the lam. That's a weird jump. That's a strange jump to me. That they were like, alright, latex isn't working, let's go to the lamb. That's a weird jump. That's a strange jump to me.

Yeah, but I know, but I'm saying another thing, yeah, latex and there's like another it's like I'm allergic to penicillin, right, and I do amoxicillin instead. It's a very similar thing. To be like, alright, the latex isn't working, go slaughter fucking lamb chop.

Because lambs are ribbed for her pleasure. I don't know if they're naturally ribbed. So that's why. Oh my god. No, I haven't used a condom in so long. I mean, they really just lost... No, no, no, okay. No.

I don't even remember. It doesn't seem like it's a lamb. Lambs can kind of seem to have a more natural feel, even more so than poly... I don't know. It doesn't seem like. It's a lamb. Lambskin condoms seem to have a more natural feel, even more so than poly. I don't know. So it's not. Google has changed things recently. They kind of just give you part of an answer. This starts mid-sentence.

And everyone lived happily ever after. That's literally what it says. Except, well, the lamb. Yes, despite the name, lambskin condoms aren't exactly made from a lamb's actual skin. Lambskin condoms seem to have a more natural feel. And that's all I got. That's all I'm ever going to get. We're not reading any further than that. I'm not reading that article.

Yeah, I mean, and by the way, when I say I haven't used condoms, it's because the only person I've slept with for the past seven years has been an ex-boyfriend who was clean and wasn't sleeping with other people, too. So I could trust it, but if I was sleeping around... You had one partner in seven years? Yes. Oh my god. You said that so upset. I feel like it's kind of up to you. I'm so upset about it. But if I was sleeping around- You had one partner in seven years? Yes. Oh my God. You said that so upset. I feel like it's kind of up to you.

I'm so upset about it. Yeah, you can go have seven tomorrow. I know, but I- No, I can't. And your dick's- No, I can't. You're stuck between a cock and a hard place here. I am.

I really am. And my ex-boyfriend is like, I don't think he's down to bang anymore. And so it's like, really, I don't have any dick on- Dick on deck. No dick on deck. We'll put it out to the anymore. And so it's like, really, I like don't have any dick on, on, dick on deck. No dick on deck.

Put it out to the listeners. The, if you get a dead mom and, you hate condoms. And a clean, clean slate on the, no, I'd use a condom

in a new relationship for sure. But then you get to a place where it's like, in a new relationship? In a new relationship? Yeah. A sexual relationship

or emotional? Yeah, like, well, until we're like, exclusive, got to wear a condom. I'm sorry. That's ridiculous. Totally agree.

I feel like a lot of people... That was the most disingenuous thing you've ever said in your life. I immediately looked at you. I don't disagree. Yes, you do. Do as I say, not as I do. Right, right, right. Exactly.

Me too. I mean, if I get horny enough, everything's off the table, including the Magnum. I throw it off the table. I don't think I'm ever really in a spot where I'm like, this girl's going to get me an STD. Like, I'm probably not hooking up with her if it's that bad. I know that it's like every- You don't know. You don't know.

I know. I know. That's my point. But I'm saying I've never been overtly like, I am not going in there without a condom. I know. But that's the thing that's how you end up in an STD no one thinks they're going to get them

because they think that oh there's no way he has one he has a job I hear DeStefano talk all the time he's got buttons on he's got an STD every other week I'm like what's going on there man what's happening

I thought I had an STD every other week. I'm like, what's going on there, man? What's happening? They're always talking about your pee. I thought I had an STD once and I was like very cool with it. I thought I had herpes. I was like, whatever. I know. Yeah.

So I think that's kind of like how I, I, I got a call. We're going tears. Be like, I have herpes. Now you have herpes. And I was like, ah,

it stinks. All right. Um, too late now, I guess. Yeah. Like, what do you want me to do? And that sucks for her. It was like, I don't, you Now you have herpes. And I was like, ah, it stinks. All right. Too late now. I guess, yeah. Like, what do you want me to do about it? And that sucks for her. I was like, guess what?

I don't. You do. Oh, okay. No, she had, I guess, the worst gynecologist in the history of the world. She had an ingrown hair when she got a second operation. Oh, wow. That's got to be a relief. Oh, dear God.

Yeah, you know what? That's like, you might as well have herpes. I know. Because now everyone thinks you do. That's like a false accusation. I already feel like, oh, I'm going to get it eventually. I might as well just embrace it and be like, yeah. All the numbers.

They're like, you know, one out of every, like, one and a half has herpes. It's true. Bullshit. I've never even met someone who had an STD except Chris, I guess. I don't even think STDs are real. Yeah, no one talks about them, but they are definitely real. That's big government just trying to convince you to sell condoms. That's condom that's big that's lambs out here lambs are out here use the latex not us um last question for you okay are there more chairs or people in the world

definitely more people you're so dumb it's just like girls are so dumb they have such little brains and they just constantly put them on display. Think about how many people there are. Okay. Right. It's 8 billion people. Yeah. Think about like a baseball stadium in one spot. There's like 50,000 seats.

Okay. Great. Think about every classroom, every restaurant, every office building. What are we counting as a chair? A fucking chair. Like you have to sit in a chair. Well, like I could sit on a fucking desk. No.

No. That's a desk. I really resent the tone you just took. I really resent you. You said that so confidently. Think about how many chairs. Okay. But think about India.

Right, so we went over India and China, right? There's four people everywhere, right? We're not counting bleachers, by the way. No, we're not. Bleachers are not chairs of all. We're not counting bleachers, by the way. No, we're not. Bleachers are not chairs. Correct. Correct. We're doing that.

You're right. We can count a lazy boy. We can count a recliner. Like a recliner, that's a chair, but not couches. No couches. Right. So for every, even, by the way, like even poor ass people in Haiti, which was a big fucking pointed debate here in the office, they have like patio furniture, like the plastic

white chair. They got tons of those floating around. And so for every one person who's so, so poor that they don't even have a chair, there are people like I look around my apartment. I live alone. There's five chairs, a recliner or this or that. I'm just one person. I have dozens of chairs to my name.

Women are so stupid. And we're constantly putting it on display. Yeah. And you think you're so stupid. And we're constantly putting it on display. And you think you're so smart. I applaud you for realizing how wrong you were here. Okay. Because most women would not be. I will admit that I am wrong. That I do.

And here's, I'll add a new argument to it the next time you tell a woman she's stupid. Is that you can also say that people that have lived and have since died and no longer exist had chairs in their life. Chairs don't die. And chairs don't die. And chairs stay.

So as long as chairs have been around, those chairs are still there. Plastic chairs do not biodegrade. They do not. Aluminum chairs don't. I saw a- What did chairs barely do? What do you call it? A chart.

A chart. I saw it the other day. How long? I saw it too. You saw the same one? Cigarettes are one to five. We're on the same rabbit. Plastics indefinitely.

Wool socks, like two to five years old. Wool socks. Everything should be made out of wool socks. Oh, my God. If you bring it, what is it? I forget what the tagline they had on that sign, too, was like, if you unpack it, pack it, or something like that. Basically, it was just saying, bring your trash with you, and I had a breakdown of how

long everything's going stay there long time i was surprised that cigarettes are one to five years i break down yeah i thought those were they had they had like something that was like it's like uh aluminum cans like i had a feeling that one was gonna be there for a while yeah that one makes sense uh like the styrofoam that like big max used to come in were like forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, those will never disappear. Where are they then? Whale's mouth. Yeah. Turtles.

It was just, I think, I'm surprised you didn't see this. Oh, did you see the one with the fish? No, I saw one where it was like a whale washed up on the beach and they had about

200 pounds of trash in it. Oh, that's hilarious. No, I'm just kidding. No, there was a meme of a guy like getting a fish at a market and he's like, can I have that in a plastic bag

And he goes no it's inside Oh memes Alright so what do you got The bang it out No what's it called now The bang it out tour It's coming January I'm in San Francisco next week at Cobbs

It's my last club date I think I'm going to be at New Year's in Salt Lake City. That's my official last club date until I get canceled or something. But until then, it's theaters. And it's going to be January 24th through May. And it's like all over. And you can get tickets at NikkiGlazer.com slash tour. VIP tickets available where you can meet me after the show.

And I'm a really good meet and greet. I'm not just an in and out. Like, hi, take a picture. Like, we can have an experience and you just don't grab my ass you have to wear a condom someone fingered my ass at our last show someone fingered my ass at my last show

really? yeah what am I supposed to do about that? that sucks you know what let me just say to any women listening right now drunk ass women who go to see men no no it was a guy really? that's disgusting I'm so sorry Women listening right now, drunk ass women who go to see men. No, no, it was a guy. No, it was a guy who did it. Really?

Yeah, it was a guy. That's disgusting. I'm so sorry. That's okay. It was disgusting for him, too, by the way. Yeah, I don't know why he wanted to do it. I've been on stage. I was sweating. Oh, my God.

Was he gay? I didn't ask. I think he was dumb. Yeah. I don't think he was gay. I think he was just a drunk idiot. Was it through your jeans? Yeah, no, he didn't get in the waistband.

It was outside. Oh, okay. We had a real problem. Oh, no. He's that sneaky. Yeah. It was outside. Oh, okay. We had a real problem with these. Oh, no. That's sneaky. Yeah. He's getting under my skirt. No, it's still a violation.

If someone penetrates your asshole as a guy, that one's on you, okay? No, don't touch anyone in their bathing suit area. Just none of that. I don't think there should be much touching, period. Really? I'll take a hug. I guess maybe around the arm, around the shoulders for a picture. Sometimes when there's a handsome guy that comes to my meet and greet, I kind of pose with them like,

what if we were boyfriend and girlfriend? What would it look like? I did it. I went to. Smile. I had a meet and greet with Taylor Swift and their security guard right beforehand was like, are you going to hug her? I was like, absolutely not.

No, sir. He's like, she's a hugger. Do it. I was like, are you fucking with me? Are you just looking for someone to tackle right now? Are you bored? And I went in, arms out. Great hugger. But then that guy grabbed her ass, right?

That was a totally different thing. I'm not just saying, that's probably why I'm a hugger. You probably just shouldn't be. Nobody can come near me. When did you meet her? Red tour. Me too! We were probably at the same meeting, right? No, I was living in Boston still. So I was a little patri still. Oh, okay.

Nice. She was very nice. She was so nice. Short? Yeah. She was 5'10", dude. I remember taking pictures with her. I remember the hug. I was like, she was like coming up to like here. I was like, oh, I wouldn't expect to do... How tall are you? 6'1". You are? I am. Wow. 6'2 on the license because I lied.

Really? I measured myself recently and I think I grew. Because I'm like a little over six feet. Oh, congrats. But I'm like six feet. But I was like, oh. Yeah, you're both tall men. Good job.

Thanks. It's like basically. Thank our fucking mother. We're white and we're tall. And you have great hairlines. Shout out to those moms. Why would I not love her? I hope your mom never dies.

She made me a tall white male with hair. That's it. That is the fucking lottery. Live forever. What have you done for me? And I hope your mom never dies. She made me a tall, white male with hair. That's it. That is the fucking lottery. What have you done for me? And a non-pedophile. Look at me. Boom. The genetic lottery.

Oh, we're back full circle. Maybe herpes, but that doesn't matter. Whatever. You caught it on the way out? You high-fived her clit and just caught it. That's my mother you're talking about. I know. What a great woman. You made a great guy. High-fived her clit. That's my mother you're talking about. I know.

What a great woman. You made a great guy. And you up on Sirius. You can look at her every day. DM me. Nikki Glaser on Instagram. Wow, that's a crazy thing to say. Yeah, like I'm looking at him.

We all read our DMs, right? Nope. No? Nope. All right. You don't? Oh, you have a girlfriend. See, I'm looking for a boyfriend.

I gotta comb those DMs for a blue checkmark. Oh, don't DM me unless you have a blue checkmark, by the way. Honestly, no interest. I'm just gonna say it. You have no chance with me. You don't, unless you have, like, unless you are known or, like, have a lot going on for you. What about, like, no blue check, but, like, 50,000 followers?

I'll take that. Okay. Yeah. I just need to have you vetted a little bit. And you have to be successful. You have to be successful. People like agree to at least follow your page. That's enough of a vet. Like you're not famous but you have 50,000 people because I don't know

you're funny for some reason or some shit. I want you to be social proof. Yeah. Successful. That's what I'm looking for. Handsome. Successful. Dead mom. That's enough. I want you to be. Social proof. Yeah, successful. That's what I'm looking for. Handsome, successful, dead mom. There it is. There's the wish list. Thank you, Glazer. Oh, my God.

Thank you, Glazer. Glazer's fucking crazy, man. She's a fucking lunatic. She is. I mean, she does have a good point, though, about, like, wake up every morning and just thank God he didn't make you have some weird fetish that you can't control.

Like, sometimes, you know, my proclivities are such that i'm like man i wish i was just a plain vanilla guy but at least i'm not like that yeah because that's a pretty that's a life ruiner yeah all right let's get into our interview with ian finance he is uh nicky's boy we uh he's a wild card too he makes nicky look like a fucking you know know, normal walk in the park. Ian, let's do it. Good to go? All right, we got a very special guest in the studio now. Ian Fidance? Yeah.

You never get it when Nicky was saying your name. I thought it was Finance. I was like, that's a weird name. Is that a nickname? It has been messed up so many times. Yeah, I can only imagine. People are like, Fidance. You know what? Sounds like an Italian wine in a bag.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Fid in a bag yeah you know what I mean Fidance yeah you get like alcohol poisoning with one bag yeah I've gotten everything man

Fidance Fidance Fidance Fidice I mean mine's Feidelberg so it's what do you get

I've been through I mean everything Fidel, Fidel I stopped some people get very defensive about like it's actually pronounced blank

you can call me Todd I'll answer dude it's so weird cause like on stage people mispronounce and I like came up in hood rooms so like the urban circuit you know like black rooms and I would get work cause I was like a white guy you know what I mean this little guy like Lonnie would be like

hey man can you do this fist drive we need a white and I was like, I'm there. So that's how I started in Philly and everything. And, dude, they would mess my name up so much. One time this guy was like, all right, y'all, come to the stage. We got a whoo. Let's give it up for Mr. E. He's here.

I was like, hey, everybody. It's so funny because people really get like, you know, my name, pronounce my name right. Like someone, this girl like Sonia was like, my name is Sonia. And I was like, give it up for Sonia. And she like shit on me when she got on stage. I'm like, a part of me is like, fuck you. But then another part of me is like, wow, is that what like self-respect is? Well, I was going to say, he's always like, I don't know.

Call me whatever the fuck you want. Because I have no self-worth and it doesn't fucking matter. I know, I know. I'm like, I'm just a worm. Whatever. I'm happy to be here. It's a pretty basic request. It's a great point.

I've never even thought about that. Pretty basic idea to just get my name correct. I'm not asking for much here. I threw all that shit out the window second grade. I was like, I don't care what you think. That's fine. I'm legally obligated to be here, so call me whatever you want. I don't care what you think that's fine I'm legally obligated to be here so call me whatever you want

I don't give a shit we did Nikki Glaser's show together and that show was a fucking shit show we went off the rails real quick oh it happens all the time I believe the clincher for me was you were talking about doing a headstand in the bathroom doing a fucking enema

like fucking a girl with a dick or something. I was like, this guy is a fucking trip. Let's go. You go, where have I... Where's my life gone? I used to get excited for Christmas. Christmas, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really... That was the takeaway, because that idea of the loss of innocence and, like, boy, life is just a fucking disaster now. Oh, yeah. It's the most relatable thing I've ever felt. I used to believe in the tooth fairy and then I'm getting my ass licked by a hooker

in like a pay-by-hour motel using Cetaphil's lube and I'm like, where's, you know, what? I used to search for eggs in my backyard. You know? Like a piece of chocolate. Now I get to get off by this

hooker named ping and i'm like jesus christ the fuck has happened to me you know it's so fucking maybe not to that extent i can't speak to that but god damn it is true it's it's a cruel world out there i know but i got no other choice but to embrace it well yeah i mean i i feel like that's just the lesson i've learned as we've gotten uh to know so many different comedians over the past like what like two three years maybe everybody who's in comedy and everybody who's good and funny it's fucked up oh yeah some shit yeah i mean normal people are so boring yeah i mean just like i it's i i guess i'm i'm just drawn to people that have issues uh because's so, like, relatable and, like, I can understand. They can understand.

Like, I was an alcoholic for over a decade, and I've been in, like, hospitals, detox, jail, like, halfway houses. And so I'm, like, gravitated towards people that are like, yeah, I used to do crack. And I'm like, hang it out. Tell me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even just issues like I get depressed. I'm anxious. I'm like, okay, cool. Tell me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even just issues like I get depressed, I'm anxious. I'm like, okay, cool. You're my guy.

I can relate. Right. Well, I mean, I feel like a lot of times people will be like, you know, I'm not going to listen to that guy. He's fucked up. It's like, I can speak to all sorts of shit now. Totally. If you live a happy life. Totally.

I don't get it, though. I fight for the other team. I think it's almost like it's come around where it's like when you were a kid and you wanted the braces and the broken arm. And it's like, yeah. And like you wanted to come from the messed up family. Like I have. I have. What are you talking about?

I have the sadness that you can only have if you were raised in a happy home. It's a different one. Mommy and daddy loved each other and stayed together. And it's fucking different. So where does your sadness come from fuck if i know you got too many presents i didn't know what toy to play with i had so many i'm sad that's exactly what it is like i don't know where it comes from i don't know what to tell you i think i think you're proof positive that it's uh like uh like a physical

thing like you know what i mean like it's a depression is like a disease that it's like a physical thing. You know what I mean? Depression is like a disease that can affect anybody. You're going to be happy as fuck, and you got it. It's such a mental chemical imbalance in your head that it can affect anyone, you know? But it's so weird because I hate it when it becomes like a pissing contest. I'm like, oh, you have seasonal depression? Call me when you're crying in June. It's like, what?

Fuck you. We're all hurting we might as well all be on the same team instead of like pissing and seeing who has a bigger depression dick you know it's so gross speaking of that i saw a tweet from you today that you uh made your therapist cry today oh hilarious wow you guys are doing your research hit me hit me yeah i uh i i had this amazing therapy session where, like, things came out, and I, like, cried for 45 minutes. And, like, because I had been by – it was just like twisting a valve

and letting, like, the air release, you know? I, like, became so, like – I just hadn't had a release in a while, and it just felt so nice. And I look over, and my therapist is, like, sobbing. And a part of me felt so much pride. If we are doing depression, Dick, I got it yeah yeah 13 inches yeah yeah yeah like that's someone who professionally hears the most fucked up stuff yeah and even she was like i know whoa buddy i know i know but it's the thing like i've been with her for so long and she's seen like so much growth and we've you know

whatever and then like you know even as. And then like, you know, even as much as you think you can like open up and whatever, I feel like you still have these little things inside that are eating you up alive. And I've had to like incrementally like release them. And, uh, it's like,

like Gabrielle union was talking about, she's been in therapy for 23 years. And it's like, at a certain point you get in therapy and you're like, should I, okay, like what we're like dumb, what more can I do? And I feel like that's a part of your brain. That's like at a certain point you get in therapy and you're like, should I, okay. Like what? We're like dumb. What more can I do?

And I feel like that's a part of your brain. That's like, okay, give up. So you don't get better. You know, like, I feel like you have to reach these tears,

like leveling up. I feel like I definitely leveled up and I definitely want her to like, put my evaluation, like hang it on the wall. Like the therapy hall of fame, you know, do you ever think like what, like do therapists go to therapy every day? Oh, dude, for all the stuff hall of fame. Do you ever think, do therapists go to therapy every day?

Oh, well, dude. For all the stuff they take on. So many therapists are now getting involved in psychedelics as a means of dealing with the crazy shit that they have to compartmentalize in the office. Really? Yeah.

It's becoming a huge thing with therapists and psychiatrists because you're just internalizing everyone else's trauma and you gotta let it out. I can barely handle one person. a huge thing with therapists and psychiatrists because you're just internalizing everyone else's trauma and you gotta let it out. I can barely handle one person. You're handling like fucking ten of them. I can't handle one person. I just zone out.

But you can tell me I'm not really listening. You'd be a terrible therapist. I would be. I'd be awful. What's your line? You hear, you don't listen or some shit? Yeah, I'm very good at hearing, not listening. And I think that's successful because you're just using me as a sounding board. Right. If you need to vent, you can talk to this guy.

You need a response? Yeah. It's like you don't want me to fix things. You just want to say it. You can say it to me. Right. That works. Well, that's what's so tough is like turning,

you become aware of these things and behaviors and then turning that awareness into action. You know, because it feels so good to complain and it's so hard to do. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's it feels so good to complain and it's so hard to do. Oh yeah. It's like, we can just like complain forever. But like, I think that's the point of, cause like after that session, I talked to her on the phone and I was like, yeah, I don't think,

I don't think I can come in this week. Cause I wanted to like not go further. You know, I was like, I need time to decompress. And she like hit me up with some bullshit that was like, well, you know, when people have like kind of a breakthrough, they can either move forward and get better or they can just kind of slide back and think it's enough but it's up to you and i was like gloria you glorious bitch i'm coming in mom another hour you know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they know how to i i'm still uh like i definitely should be in therapy and i'm just not and I just I don't know just won't go

because they might tell you things like hey maybe don't do this I know that's the other thing I'm definitely like I'll be defensive like no well fuck off okay I'm gonna keep doing it my way that's what's so great about this place because I've been going there coming up on like 5 years and it's like also a drug and alcohol

center you know with like therapy and like a psychiatrist it's like also a drug and alcohol center you know with like um therapy and like a psychiatrist there it's like a one-stop shop for everything you know and uh like big neon sign like if you're fucked up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like like in from dusk till dawn it is we got big pussy we got we got big problems little problems your mom beat you you're that molested you come on in but like we uh i i've been there for so long and they like let me like leave and they let me like yell and they let me be like sit in silence for 45 minutes and they're like okay just come back next week like it was

very because like every other therapist i have i've had more therapists than there are letters in the alphabet you know it's like i just have, would they like effectively like fire you? Would they be like, I can't like get out of here? No, I would fire you. Because it's like lifting weights. Like you look good for a day and someone's like, you look good. I got what I wanted. Yeah.

And the second they'd be like, you know, you're doing well. I'd be like, time to quit. You know, and then it's like they. You'd get fired by a therapist. I thought it was like you know you're too much a lot of therapists are fucked up man I had a buddy who's accountant fired him

I can't handle your finances he's like I'm done dealing with your money wow that's incredible so many therapists are fucked up you know like therapists are fucked up some of them like, there's this one therapist that all the comics go to.

He's like, well, it's easy. He knows comedy. I don't have to explain what JFL is. It's like, just for laughs. It's like, oh, you're going there for acronym knowledge? Fuck you. And this guy wants to be a comic. So then they compete.

I made him laugh. To other comics. What are you doing? That's very odd. It is funny to think that there's some guy out there that has a lot of the circuits info. Like, I always wouldn't want that. Yes! He wants to burn HIPAA.

If he ever decides to snap, forget it. Everybody's getting aired out. I know. He's in jail just knowing everyone's secret. Can you get – is it illegal or you just get fired? I'm sure it's illegal, right? Well, it's like you can listen to everything, but if someone talks about self-harm or harming others, then you're allowed to be like, hey, whatever.

If you're like, I have a body under my floor, they can just be like well let's process that okay i mean i would read the shit out of a book of like the the the therapist for the stars the therapist for like the comedy world like i wonder if there is a book of like a therapist like spilling the tea sis you know do that anonymously and you probably can't i mean it's like the number one bestseller of New York Times right now. It was a book by Anonymous. The warning from the book. It was written by someone in the White House who didn't want to get fired or prosecuted. Is that what the whistleblower stuff's about?

No, it's different. I feel like, by the way, you can't, like, someone knows. There's a paper trail to that guy. Right? There has to be. There's a fucking story somehow. Yeah. It had to get published.

I think, like, General Mattis' speech writer is the number one suspect. But it's like, yeah, that's the number one book called Warning, a story of the Woodcharm White House. And it's just written by him. It's called Warning, a speech for Mattis. It's like, oh, how'd they know? So how'd you link up with Nikki? Oh, man.

So Bonnie McFarlane was shooting a movie and um a dear friend of mine uh karen fionn is like super funny she was like hey you should put ian in it and i i had known bonnie for a bit and we did like a road gig together and became buds and she was like yeah sure here's a little part whatever and when we were shooting i had to be in like a um holding area and nikki was in there and we just started like talking and laughing. And Bonnie's daughter for a while was like the meanest nine-year-old you've ever met in your life. Like we, Bonnie and I did a row gig and in the van, like the first time I met her daughter, she goes, are you a crack addict? Yeah. And then in the van, she's like,

in the van, she's like, Ian, is it to you in the van she's like ian you're so lonely tinder because i was like swiping on tinder and and i would hit back and i was like hey reina you see that dumpster that's where you're gonna end up if you don't shut the fuck up and bonnie was like loving it so while we're in this nine-year-old girl yeah yeah so like what well it's a daughter of bonnie mcfar and Rich Voss. She has to be a fucking monster. And so we were in this holding area, and Raina got a hold of my phone number, and she was texting me the most evil shit. Like, I bet you're into hentai, you fucking loser. All this shit.

She's nine years old. And I'm just like relaying it to Nikki. We're like laughing our ass off. And then I'm like sending a picture of me giving the finger to a nine-year-old. And I'm like, Raina, this giving the finger to a nine-year-old you know and I'm like Raina this is the police stop abusing this man dude a nine-year-old saying you're in the hentai is about as mean as the fuck it was hilarious I have all the texts Dave it's the funniest thing in the world Nikki is still on my phone as a child abuser or no child bully enthusiast that's what she's on my phone at we became buddies because we were just

like making each other laugh so hard and then we were just like texting each other because she was in like la for a while and i i saw her and because i i'm i'm like a big smoker cigarettes yeah which i appreciate like an og cigarette oh yeah soft pack we're not we're not doing jewels we're not doing vaping no cancer stick to the yeah i'll suck a dick but i ain't gay you know it's like fuck that you know and um so she saw me and she was like you gotta quit smoking she ordered me that that book yeah yeah i know all her fucking quitting books and i need a book for her to quit talking about it so um she sent me that and i still you know it's still in the packaging but um then she moved to New York

and we just started hanging out and being buds and that's when her radio show started and she's like you got to come on and it went really well and then like you know I was on almost like every week and now that's like my gig with her and she's like really day up is uh it's when things yeah yeah when things heat up you know but uh yeah we've she's just become like an incredibly dear friend and um I'm just really grateful for her friendship. And professionally, she's out of this world. Good number to have on your phone as child bully enthusiast. Yeah, yeah, it really is.

But aside from that, it's just really nice to have a friend. You know what I mean? It's so weird because the more the the the more i like work the more i'm kind of like leveling up in comedy my my circle of friends are these people that i'm just like professionally this is like insane but the fact that i get to like hang out and just call you a friend is like so meaningful you know what i mean like it's it's really really neat yeah i mean the the shit that we were talking about on that episode was uh there's only a certain circle of people who can like handle

yeah that that kind of humor those kind of topics and it's like once you find those people yeah yeah zero in on it yeah and then you go on a date and these people are like you know just like so boring and i'm like are we gonna talk about like a hooker's ass or you're just gonna tell me about your accounting job yeah it's always accounting yeah i know i know like my startup you know it's like yeah i mean between nikki and you're on the road with a tell now you know it's like I mean between Nikki and you're on the road with Attell now

yeah it's about as high as you can Attell is like just so revered by other comics he's successful obviously but

within the comedy like respect world there's nobody right it's out of control whenever I ask other comedians who are your

favorite comedians Attell every fucking time it's like always whenever i ask other comedians who are your favorite comedian that's how i tell of course every mount rushmore it's crazy i mean and and he is just so good and quick and amazing and um to have him like to have him and like nicky and like a bunch of other comics like professionally vouch for me yeah you get that cosign this world it's it's crazy but to like just walk around new york city smoking with a tell till five in the morning it's like friends going to the deli and grocery shopping is like so it's it's like like we go on stage together almost every night and uh we have like a really good rapport and it's not even like oh

my god i'm with david tell it's like i'm just like hanging out with my friend dave yeah you know and like it's just so surreal you know because i i used to be a carpenter in delaware and i put on comedy albums like hanging sheet rock and we'd laugh to like a tells albums you know what i mean and now like we're going on the road together and like i'm opening for him and jeff ross on the bumping mic store i'm like what the fuck is my life i used to live in a halfway house across the street from a bowling alley my mom threw me a birthday party yet and now i'm like fucking here and i'm like what this is a fucking wild ride yeah you just i feel like it like it it feeds the comedy career too you know what i mean like it's you become more funny and more interesting because of shit like that totally and you know

hanging out with the funniest people in the world makes you want to be you know have you have you like uh have you like bombed as you open for a tell yet or anything like that like i feel like i feel like that's got to, is there like more pressure? Uh, yeah. I mean, is this joke funny enough to be, to tell it in a tell show? We just did like a 2000 seat theater and, um, it's, it's a thing of like, I, I just, I just feel so comfortable around him where like I can go new and make it work and it feels like really good.

And, um, cause he'll be like, uh, you know, um, maybe instead of playing with your cat, you should spend time writing fucking dick, you know? So I want to like,

like impress, you know? And like the other night we did this 2000 seat theater and it was just amazing. And afterwards he took me aside and was like, you know, I'm really proud of you. And I was like,

Oh my God, it's like, it means so much. Yeah. I mean, it's the number one. Yeah. And like, I came up in Philly and all my friends in philly were like so funny and really

hard on me you know and uh that it's like philly is a very like ball busty tear you down tough type thing and that made me so much better hanging out with these dudes who like would rip you apart if you bombed but be like you got a bomb to get better yeah but then like to just like laugh about it and everything that like really helped me to get better you know and to have friends it would be like hey man what do you think happened up there you know what i mean when you like eat shit you know right or like why do you do that joke it's like terrible and then like at the time you're like fuck you this is amazing and then you go home and you're like what am i doing with my life you know and then you make it better because you want

to like like flex on them and be like oh how's it now motherfucker you know and it's really good to like motivate yourself i never want to surround myself with people that are just like you know you bomb and like great job it's like i got ears well i know what it's funny too it's like you take it personal because it's like something you find funny that you wrote but it's just work you know like if you were to critique someone else's line of work they'd be like i don't fucking care right that report or that presentation but this is a personal thing if you're if you're bombing with material that's like deeply personal it's like you as a person are bombing yeah yeah you're not you're not disliking my joke about you know uh ups and the the mailman you're disliking my joke about UPS and the mailman.

You're disliking my joke about this deeply inherent secret thing that I'm trying to make funny. It's like, wow, I'm getting rejected twice. One time I was outside of a gay bar and I asked a guy for a cigarette and he was like, no. No, give me the once over. And he rejected giving me cancer and then rejected me on, like, my outfit. You know, that, like, deeply hurt. Not worthy of my cigarette. It's pretty fucking low.

You're not, I mean, I get not. What did you say? I just, like, walked away and then, like, you know, scrambled around to get another cigarette. I was going right home right to bed for a week. Yeah, that's a level of rejection i don't know if i could handle well then i went out and got like a thong and a harness and went back and was like how you like me now bitch and he gave me a carton of cigarettes it was great how long were you in philly for you raised there uh no i was raised in delaware okay but i would

drive up to philly every night like 45 minutes and do like open mics. And on the weekend to get like stage time, I'd have to drive an hour to Marlton, New Jersey, uh, to a comedy cabaret in the back of an Italian restaurant and like put together the stage, the chairs, tear it down for like 10 minutes and $10, you know? And then when I would have to hand out comment cards afterwards. So when I bombed, I had to like look at people and they had to be like, Oh, you know, you said you're a teacher. You're going to keep up with that. comment cards afterwards so when i bombed i had to like look at people and they had to be like oh you know you said you're a teacher you're gonna keep up with that and there's a chick-fil-a next

door and i ate so many sad chicken sandwiches you know what i mean just like bombing at a cop benefit or like a fucking benefit in a synagogue at 4 p.m just like trying to get better you know so terrible the sad chicken sandwich is a psych. They're already wet, the Chick-fil-A sandwiches. You drop a tea or two on there, and it's just like fucking... It's a tough one to stop. Driving up, living in a halfway house.

In Delaware. And I'm going home, and I gotta be home by a certain time for check-in, or else I gotta do a piss test. So I'm bombing on stage and bombing in life at the same time. I'm just like, what's working out though man yeah right i mean it all kind of came i i i again i think it's like the amount of material you get out of like living a you know at times like fucked up life oh yeah we talked about that before like when shitty things

happen to me i'm like this is gonna be be good in two weeks. This sucks right now. This will be a funny story. Even as a kid, I would get in trouble, and then an hour later, I'd be like, isn't it funny how that just happened? And my mom was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I find I'll laugh about shit almost immediately. I don't get people who don't understand

that defense mechanism. I'm not laughing because it's funny. I'm laughing because it's funny. That whole too soon thing pisses me off because it just shows that you've lived such a privileged life. You can't deal with tragedy and finding the humor is a coping mechanism. Right, that's all it is.

It's just a thing of like, I don't want any bad things in my thought process. It's funniest right now. This is when the joke really kills, man. Have fun fucking missionary for the rest of your life You fucking bore What did you teach? I taught

I went to school for English education And I was like a full time sub People didn't let us do that You were a teacher? No I was creative writing No you can't do that You can take it as an elective if you want, but you can't do it. That's a fake thing.

I took a class that was called The Daily Show. I took a class that was Frisbee. Shut up. That wasn't an interesting – no, I just played Frisbee in college. Was this college in Neverland? It was Tallahassee. Florida State. It was basically is Neverland.

So, yeah. I just imagine you like Rufio in Peter Pan. One day I had surgery on Halloween, and my roommate picked me up dressed as Rufio. Shut up. Had to pick me up. Was it Halloween or was he just a fucking alcoholic? Both. Both.

But it happened to be Halloween this time. But he's walking through the hospital, looking for John Feinberg, no shirt on, black, stone cold type thing. Kind of like one of those half masks where it's like the red spike and you're like yeah I gotta give him

a ride home I'm like dude you could've put on like a pair of sweatpants for this you gotta be fucking kidding me I took stress

what was it stretching and relaxation that was another class these were all part of like my core curriculum for creative writing and you didn't graduate and I didn't graduate

you couldn't pass stretching? No. That was the hardest one. Yeah, there's no chance. Touch your toes. Oh, my God. Put a gun to his head and be like, touch your knees. Pull the trigger.

Oh, my God. That's so amazing. Do a sit-up and you can graduate. You're like, wow, I might as well just get back my cap and gown. The class was in a dark room with candles lit. Shut up. Oh, my God. Wow. It was a joke. It with candles lit. Shut up! Oh my god! Wow!

It was a joke. Wow, was that so no one could see you put in your tampons? I couldn't hack it, man. Oh my god, that's amazing. So you're on tour with the hotel now? Yeah. How long does that run through? Next week, we're starting

until the first week in January. And then we're going to have a little time off and then start up again. And that's all. It's at Ian Fidance, right? Is it your Twitter? My Twitter is at Ian Fidance and my Instagram is at I-Animal. I-A-N-I-M-A-L. Appreciate it.

You know what? I didn't graduate college. I've been reading your Instagram. I was like, I and I'm all. What? I don't know, dude. He goes, what? Yo.

Like, it's just hitting right now. I was like, I and I'm all. Yeah, okay. I was like, I and I'm all? I and I'm all. Yo I and I'm-al. Yo, do you know after shows how many dumb, drunk girls that are like, pinot, blood alcohol, dying, are like,

animal, oh, cool. And you're stoned sober, and you're like, I and I'm-al! I and I'm-al! What? Oh my god, dude, I fucking love you. That's amazing. I am not a smart person.

I don't know what to tell you. Oh, my God. It's confusing when all the words just blend together. Yeah, letters put together are confusing. You're like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. Like, it's a tough one. The. Unreal, man.

We appreciate you coming through, though. Apologize for my idiot partner. Oh, I love it, man. We appreciate you coming through, though. Apologize for my idiot partner. Oh, I love it, dude. That's so great. I am IML. That's what it is from now on. Maybe you should change the capitalization and be that from now on. That's what I'm going to tell people after shows.

I am IML. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I love it. Thank you very much. I apologize. Yo, thank you for having me, man. This is so fun, fellas. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I love it. Thank you very much. I apologize. Yo, thank you for having me, man. This was so fun, fellas.

Oh, man. How was that? What? Staggeringly stupid.