KFC Radio - Son of a Boy Grandfather with Co-Host Lil Sasquatch Ft. Rachel Feinstein and Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Lil Sasquatch Co-hosts the show with us today to talk about: - his stand up comedy career - Son of a Boy Dad - the King of New York hates New York (or at least Hells Kitchen) - going out in New York AITA - Wedding photos - Barstool Pat is sending Feits nudes Our first ever VIDEO Voicemail segment - ideal standup lineup - approving therapist - re-live one party 01:40:49 Rachel Feinstein and Jessica Kirson on hanging porn, blind porn, prank calling on their new show The Call Girls, and much much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Well, this has been something. This has been a special one. This has been maybe the most fun I've ever had doing this fucking joke. It's been going, it happened so long ago. I got a thing where like, like 60 of my passwords were compromised. I've gotten this thing where it said like 88 of your passwords are on the dark web.

It's in God's hands. They haven't done anything yet. They're gonna. Isn't that like a scamming thing where they say you have to reset your password? And then they have your password. Mine is in my Apple passwords app. It's not like a... I have...

What would the scam be? Think of another random thing, dude. They'll be like, oh, you've got to reset your password because someone logged in, and then you reset your password, and now they have your new password. All right, then I keep my old compromised password. But I don't know. If it's a legitimate source, then I'm assuming it's not a scam.

Nothing else is a legitimate source. We learned that this morning with Schefter. I got fraud. I got fraud. I got like, I had like $1,000 worth of fraud on my debit card. My PayPal got compromised. And then I looked at my debit. And that's the only reason why I caught it.

So I probably have lost like tens of thousands of dollars to fraud that I just never caught in the first place. And then, motherfucker, last night, middle of the night, I get a text. So I just sort of been using my American Express card while this shit was all getting cleaned up. I get fraud on Amex last night. I'm carded out. I have gotten to the point with so much fraud and so much shit like that with my emails and passwords. I want to go to like

the Breaking Bad vacuum repair man, get a whole new identity, not to disappear. I just need like a new fucking social security number and name to start my life over with passwords and bank accounts i think fucking ridiculous i think that makes a lot of sense and i'd love to be a fly on the wall inside sass's brain right now he's like he's like what happened when you're like i've never had my i've never had my card information stolen or anything you've had a card for like three years Yeah my parents I know what happens to my parents

Like it's happened to them a bunch I know what happens to the old people in my life Yeah it's never happened to me Do you get like reimbursed Yeah well you do have to They're pretty good about just like giving it back to you I think if it's like big money you probably have to prove it Because that would just be fraud

But mine added up to like $13,300, and they just gave it all back. Which did have me thinking like, I don't know, just buy weird shit and then claim it's fucking... See, I think that the someone's, what was it? Oh, I was wearing I got a sweater the other day. I tweeted about this

actually. I got a James Brown sweater because after I saw No Time to Die, I bought the James Bond sweater because he looks fucking sick. Oh yeah, I saw your tweet about that. He looks great. It's unbelievable. What the British wear to war is better than what most Americans wear to like dinner. It's unbelievable.

James Bond was a naval... Kind of makes sense. He's a naval commander getting ready for war. And I was like, God damn, that's a fit. And I did a little hesitation large xl large oh i just like bouncing back and forth yeah i saw that in your video so i was cracking up are we officially on the xl i didn't even realize i did that i was just walking home from the movie like yeah maybe like that fucking we're a large no we're we're an xl and

i was this morning i was like uh i tried it on because it came in last night i tried it on and it doesn't fit and i was like maybe i'll just return it and then I was like I tried it on it came in last night I tried it on and it doesn't fit and I was a middle just return it and then I was like well I don't I didn't lose my job as far as I'm aware so why don't you return it there's no point in returning things but I think because I return things so little yeah like what do you mean? Because you still have a job and you're earning money that you can just burn the money? It wasn't expensive. 70 bucks. If it was like some crazy expensive sweater.

Returning shit's a pain in the ass. That's what I mean. I'll pay $70 to not have to go through the whole thing. If they do like just here's the return fucking thing, return sticker in the box, I'll do that. It's LLB. That's exactly what I do. Well, that's as easy as it gets. $70 to just not put a sticker on something? I, in my brain, out loud, well, not out loud, because in my brain, went, fuck that, as I threw it in the trash.

You threw it away? You just threw the sweater in the trash? What? Well, because he doesn't want someone else wearing it. He's not going to give it away. It was fucking, all I had to do was put this bag in a mailbox. Yeah. That was it. It was good to go. And I was like, nah in a mailbox. Yeah. That was it.

It was good to go. And I was like, nah, fuck that. That is a stupid thing. That is a staggering amount of happening towards the world. I don't even know. I did buy an XL, though, so when you catch me in the LL Bean Commander sweater, it's an XL. It's going to be a little big on the arms, I think, but we'll figure it out.

I would have taken that large off your hands. But that's the thing. He doesn't want you wearing it. He wants to get this fit off himself. Okay, well, guess what? It's in a bag, and it's in my apartment. I can give it to Sass. Get it out of the garbage. I'm going to guess what? It's in a bag, and it's in my apartment. I can give it to Sass. Get it out of the garbage.

I'm going to do that. It's a new bag, by the way. I cleaned the trash this morning because I have a cleaning lady coming tomorrow, so I have to clean up first. Now we're going to dumpster dive through your garbage can. It's literally in my trash in my kitchen in a brand new bag. It might smell a little chemically because— This is still more of a process than just putting a sticker on a bag and selling it back. Now it's become a thing.

Yeah, now it's become a thing. Now it's a whole to-do. How do you even return something in New York? Do you have a mailbox? See, these are the questions I don't want to have to ask. What? You go to the post office? Go to the post office? Yeah, I'm not doing that. Like inside a brick and mortar? You guys are

fucking nuts. Last time I went to a post office was... Have you ever been to a post office? Yeah, I used to live right next to a post office in Massachusetts, but then when I was in Chicago at school, I went to the post office there to send something, and I'm never going to a post office again. I was there for like three hours. Okay, I know exactly where the nearest post office to my apartment is

because I had to get a stamp one day, and there's nowhere else to get stamps. Apparently you got to get, no, you can get them at like CVS and shit. Really? Yeah. I think you can order them online.

Well, I needed it immediately because that's the only, I don't order things online. I buy things. I go with my gut. George W. Go with the gut. Um,

and, uh, and I went to the, it's on 18th, I believe. Yeah. And, uh,

and I, I, yeah, I went into it and I stood there for 10 minutes and I was like, well, I'm just not mailing it. And, I believe. Yeah. And, yeah, I went into it, and I stood there for 10 minutes, and I was like, well, I'm just not mailing it. And I walked out. Yeah. I did not get it.

I was talking when Brianna did the Kevin Clancy show. She said it was a six-hour wait to see her in Penn State. Yeah, that's crazy. Six hours to just get there, take a picture, and say hi. And I'm like, yo, God bless you, girl. That is incredible. And I hope fans do that forever. I hope it's a 10-hour wait.

But I wouldn't wait on a fucking six-minute line for anybody. Yeah, I don't know. I would never do that. And even think about a five-minute wait. Five full-ass minutes is way too long for me. If I'm standing at a – if too long for me if i'm standing out like a if i ordered food if i'm waiting for the subway like when the subway says six minutes i'm like i'm taking an uber fuck it i can't you know what i mean the six hours i it's funny you

say six minutes i did that literally that exactly that today i saw six minutes i was like who's got that time um i'll wait eight for an uber thank you very much. Yeah, I know. That's the best part. But whenever waiting comes up, it has to be mentioned. My mother was, one time I was a kid, probably five, we'll call it, waiting to see Santa or wanted to go see Santa. Yeah. And there was a line, and my mother just said, John Henry, I wouldn't wait in line to meet Jesus.

So there are zero pictures of me with Santa Claus as a child or with Easter Bunny. Because there was always a line. It was just there were lines. There might have been one or two times I snuck in without a line at the Swansea Mall, which we call the Swansea Hall because we were hilarious and it was tiny. But there were very few times I got to meet Santa as a kid Because Lines I don't know who I would wait I don't know if I would

Like the longest I would wait in a line Yeah who would it be? I don't even know Who it would be Because like I feel like Brianna's probably Like at a level Where like she's probably

Still pretty like Thankful for all of her fans And stuff like that But like If you were gonna wait Six hours in a line To see like Realistically

It would be like An A-list celebrity right? Yeah They don't give a realistically, it would be like an A-list celebrity, right? Yeah. They don't give a fuck. It would be like, hey, how's it going? Right. If even. They wouldn't even talk to you.

No way. The only one I've ever done, and it was very brief, was Taylor Swift. But she was very nice. It wasn't like, you know, we didn't have a conversation. That was also old enough ago. She was a superstar. Yeah, she was playing in a stadium. But she has since gone on to this, like, immortal level. Like, I don't think she's doing that anymore. No. She's playing in a stadium. But she has since gone on to this immortal level.

I don't think she's doing that anymore. No. I would bet she still does. You know what? I bet she stopped because the guy groped her. Yeah. That radio DJ. But even that's part of it.

But this was the Red tour. Red was her fourth or fifth album. She was a monster. That's crazy. I don't know who I would have. I was surprised you didn't have someone I've never heard of on deck. No, I don't have any surprised You didn't have someone I've never heard of on deck No I don't have any I don't really

The only people That I like That I like meeting Are like comedians That I like Who would be Your number one comedian I guess like Bill Burr

Probably Which is weird too though Because your favorite comic If they found out That you like Waited in a line Yeah exactly They'd be like

You fucking loser Yeah You know what I mean Yeah but I wouldn't Wait in line To see any of those people Yeah but that would be Like the number one guy

Yeah I mean Bill will be back here You'll meet You'll meet I mean Yeah but I wouldn't Wait in line to see Any of those people Yeah but that would be Like the number one guy Yeah I mean Bill will be back here You'll meet You'll meet Bill Yeah Yeah that would be cool It's a terrifying experience

Yeah I'm sure I'm sure it is It is Bill's probably one of the Most more frequent guests On the show I would guess Bill's probably been on

Five times And he's a monster star Just as scared today Every time I'm so intimidated Yeah he's fucking hilarious Don't say anything wrong Don't say Or like Like You know he's just so Brutally honest just as scared today. Every time I'm so intimidated. I'm like, don't say something. Don't say anything wrong. Don't say,

or like, like, you know, he's just so brutally honest in like everyday conversation where like, you can be like, Oh man, you know what I love? Like a fucking mustard on hot dogs. He's like,

what? That sucks. It's terrible. It's like, okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I'll do ketchup from now on.

Like he, there's no like, Oh, I'll just let it slide. Cause it's regular conversation. You're getting called out on fucking everything. Uh, so we got a little sass on the show today. Um, every, we're, we's no, like, oh, I'll just let it slide because it's regular conversation. You're getting called out on fucking everything. So we got a little sass on the show today. We're going to rotate Barstool guests in for our Thursday episode for a little while,

which is something we've done in the past before, but we're going to commit to it. So showcase some of the talent here and get some of your favorite people in talking about, you know, ridiculous shit that you don't always get to hear them talk about. Although, sass and the anus boys and whatnot, you guys are always talking just as fucking reckless. Yeah, this is a light day. Like, usually it was like, let's have on people who talk sports and we're going to talk about, like, you know, your dicks and shit.

And you never heard this before, but this is probably the other way around. So today's episode is brought to you by Nectar Sunglasses. I got a fresh pair right here. Nectar is... You look like a Terminator in those a little bit. Sign me up, bro. Yeah, no. That's a strong compliment.

Although, hang on. Look at me. Never mind. You can clearly see me. I look better. No, I do hate to admit it. Fourth of July, Feidelberg put sun in his hair. Yeah, yeah.

And his hand turned like he became like orange freak weirdo. It has now grown in in a way that looks really good actually really oh i was kidding i can't really see myself from the back actually turn around like it almost fades i think the chicks call it like ombre or whatever you have that you have that going on in the back what was the whole debate it was if it was blonde or red it was not a debate it was john being an idiot and everyone going what are you fucking talking about your hair's orange it was it was one of those. It was not a debate. It was John being an idiot and everyone going, what are you fucking talking about? Your hair's orange. It was one of those debates, arguments, whatever, where I started out in on the joke where I was like, yeah, this is clearly orange. And argued it for so long where I was like, I don't know what they're talking about.

Now it's blonde. But it was orange like a fucking basketball. What did you put in it? Just sun it. What is in it? Just sun. Little. What is sun? Yeah. No one knows. It's something from like the 1990s that was like, if you don't want to dye your hair,

but you want like, it's like, it's like a mixture of like lemon juice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's basically putting lemon juice in your hair. Yeah.

Yeah. And then. So what it gets, and it gets, it gets like more blonde in the sun. Yeah. But if you're a fucking ginger, it just turns you orange.

Yeah. But what, one thing I learned about the sun, which maybe I shouldn't even say this. I should just keep it ripping through winter, but it's not the sun that does it. It's just the juice? The heat.

So if you put sun in and then a blow dryer, you can still cook. So you can have orange hair all year round. John's cracked the case. Why would you just dye your hair? Chaz, come on. That is a little fake. Dude, when the Mets

a couple, I guess several years ago now, all dyed their hair orange. Yeah. Because they're all like Dominicans with like little fro's and shit where they can pull that off. Who had the blue? Lindor? Lindor has the blue. This was a couple years ago. This was like

and they were like starting to make a playoff push and people were like we should dye our hair orange if they make it or like even just before they make it

like for September and I was like maybe I'll do it maybe I'll do it and Fleishman was like all of your hair will fall out of your head like it's the worst thing

you can do is that like what happens like when you like believe shit like that it's like crunchy yeah it's, like, super, like, crunchy. Yeah, it's, like, horrible for your hair. And she was, like, I think she was trying to scare me, but also it worked.

She was just like, at your age, it'll never come back. And I was like, okay, no. That's it. People were telling me that with the sun, like, it's going to start falling out in clumps.

It didn't, yeah. Well, you're a freak. You should be, like, you know, dead by now, and your body still functions and nobody knows how, so. Yeah. Just ate three tarantulas, by body still functions and nobody knows how. Yeah. Just ate three tarantulas, by the way, while we were on the topic.

Ew, that shit was so gross. You were into it. You were liking it, right? I'm terrified of spiders. I could never do that. I don't think I could do that either. But you know what? It's like the chocolate covered.

You ate three whole ones? Yep. Jesus. It's not like you're eating. It's freeze dried. Yeah, I didn't even like looking at it. Anyway, back to the Nectar sunglasses. I was reading Keith Olbermann's tweet today to Darren Revell.

Did you see that, the way he clapped on him? Yes. It was one of the most descriptive. What did he call him, a check engine light? Yeah, let me read it because it's perfect for a sunglasses ad because Darren Revell can go ahead and get himself a pair of nectar shades to put on to make sure no one can see his, where the fuck is this tweet? To make sure that no one can see the blank, dazed, stupid, check engine light look in your eyes that is the full and total expression of your soul.

I mean, Shakespeare on him. I mean, Ravel just got fucking bodied. So go ahead. Maybe we'll put these on for the wake at Ravel's funeral. You know, we'll rock the nectar sunglasses to make sure that we look sharp with the polarized look. I got the blue lenses here, the matte black frames. And right now, when you purchase a pair,

you can also get a pair of their blue light filtering glasses, which is the new thing. Everyone knows we're looking at screens and iPhones and tablets and computers all day long. So you're going to get that eye strain. Oh, yeah, this is them right here. So we pop those bad boys on. They're best-selling. Oh, wow.

Those are nice. That was a genuine unboxing first look reaction. Those are going to look sharp on you. Yeah, these are not mine, Josh. I hate to tell you, bro. I don't know. Do they look good on me? Yeah, they do look good. You look a little Clark Kent. Yeah, I don't know. I think he's like, you're an old man. He's laughing at me a little bit.

He goes, ah. Yeah, but like, I think you look like Clark Kent. I think I'll take that alright so I'm rocking him right now that's it I'm Clark Kent for the rest of the episode you can be Clark Kent too when you go to Nectarsunglasses.com slash KFC get the shades

get the blue light Nectarsunglasses.com slash KFC so Sass is in the motherfucking building Sass is I think you're going gonna be one of the next big things in comedy that would be nice whoa that's a hell of an intro i really do i think uh because here's what's perfect about sass is he's still young as shit he's in at at barstool already first i've already had a base to begin with right yeah like 100 whatever thousand followers to begin

with yeah come to Barstool. That's only going to continue to grow. Fit in at Barstool. Also have aspirations of being like a true actual stand-up comic. Which you hopefully kept secret from Dave. Yeah, don't let him know that in any way, shape, or form. Dave, you want to do other things? Especially stand-up comedy?

Nope, that's out. That's off the list. But, you know francis came through and did it and i think it was a little bit of like a push-pull thing with him where it's like is it barstool is it my stand-up comedy and what's what whereas i think you're gonna do your you're young enough that you're starting out and doing your stand-up comedy already within barstool and i yeah it sounds convoluted but i think it's just all going to work. I feel like Francis, it was almost like you couldn't utilize Barstool with his comedy as well as you thought. But yours, it's all going to be like one thing together because you started out here young enough.

So I think the fact that you're already up on stage, you already look confident, you've already got Tim Dillon shouting you out. You're going to be doing skits and shit with him, I'm sure. Already getting a couple big cosigns, and it seems like you're a natural up there. You factor that all in with Roan and the Anus Boys and all that. I just think you're going to be a superstar. Yeah, I don't really even care that much about stand-up as much. Yeah, I don't give a fuck what I think you just said. No, no, no.

I guess, but I'm not even going to do that. I don't like stand-up at all. If it happens, it's an accident. I don't even like – stand-up is not something that I'm like super passionate about. I just like – I just want to do like live comedy. So it's like whether it's stand-up or like live podcast. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's – Anything either way though. See, I would think you would look down on the live podcast. Yeah. No, I don't think so. Which I'm happy you don't because that's what we fucking do. Yeah, I think it's like a cool change of pace. We were interviewing Bobby Lee, and at the end he was like, you know, you guys, you're just like two cool New York City comics, and I can tell that you're good guys.

And we both were like. We both very quickly held our breath. Yeah. Say something else we can speak on. Ignore that. Pretend we didn't hear you think we're comics. We're cowards behind mics. I get what you mean.

I've always been trying to do, like with our live shows, my idea was like let's bring BarstoolSports.com to life. Yeah, yeah. There's a funny video or a funny picture, a funny meme, something viral. We put it up on the screen, all that shit. But I think if you've got and i think you do like the ability to do like good old-fashioned stand-up yeah i would do that man yeah in addition to you don't have to do one or the other yeah it's definitely fun i mean i've i've only

done it i've only done like two real shows but it's fun have you done anything like like i actually basically everyone we ever have in here is like a comic by that yeah like do so i don't want to be like so what was it like 15 years ago? Yeah. Like, do you do anything, like are you like studying at home? Are you like writing jokes at home or are you just like, I'm going on stage, I'm sure you're probably writing jokes.

Yeah, yeah. But are you like, are you taking classes or anything like that? No, no. I did like open mics for like probably like four or five months and then I got booked at a show.

See, that's what's going to work. From this kid who I met at the stand and that was the one that I posted on YouTube, that show. And then I did a show. He. See, that's what's going to work. From this kid who I met at the stand. And that was the one that I posted on YouTube, that show. And then I did a show. He's going to be able to book. He's always going to draw a crowd because he can use barstools. Yeah, that's the thing, too. I don't really think people give a fuck about.

He's not going to have to do, if you even want to do stand-up, he's not going to have to do the midnight open mic set for five other comics. You know what I mean? Because he's going to be like, I can bring. I'm there, too. Yeah, John, if you ever need someone to just sit through your fucking shitty set john will be there you'll never leave it's only happened once it's okay we reference it but it would happen it would happen every time i go it's just when we found myself the situation was but i like the who i wanted to

see finished at like 10 o'clock 10 30 and i sat there until 2 a.m because people just kept handing the mic and i was like i can't get up now and the room was this room was full when like it started like the open mic started yeah and i and this one chick were just like she's like do you want to go we can't go we're still living the dreams yeah i could never imagine going to an open mic like just for fun to watch it was an accident yeah yeah that's brutal it's not an open mic just for fun to watch. It was an accident. Yeah. That's brutal. It's not fun. It's not for fun. That's for sure.

That's also the thing is I'm hoping that I will never do an open mic again. Yeah, it's not even that fun. It is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's more damaging, I think, to your career than it is helpful. Really? When you go in there, there's no way you're not going to bomb. Right. You're setting yourself up for failure. No, no one's an asshole. There, there's no way you're not going to bomb. Right. And you're setting yourself up for failure.

No, no one's an asshole. No one gives a fuck. They're on their phones. They only care because they're just waiting to do their thing. For their turn, yeah. And then you go. I see, I see. You're like nervous as fuck.

You get up there. You say all your jokes. No one laughs once. And then you're like, all right, guys, that's all I got tonight. Thank you so much. I guess it's to like physically train yourself. Like you're on stage. Here's the mic.

Here's how it's going to sound. But I agree that it's like don't set yourself up for failure. And I know that the main thing to me is the way the comics are all like you have to eat shit for like 10 years. Yeah, that's the thing too. I'm like I ain't got that in me, man. No, yeah, that's the thing. It's like I like doing the shows. Like, they're really fun.

Like, I did a show last week, and it was really fun. But, like, I'm not doing this for 10 years, like, hoping to. Like, I would never do open mics for 10 years. I don't think I would do anything for 10 years. I have four jobs. I wouldn't sleep. Yeah. You are dedicated to achieving goals.

I'd be like, you know what? I'm going to be an insurance salesman. Comics and minor league baseball players. I just don't understand. Because the top 0.1% of them make it. And I know that's the dream. And I know that's awesome. But the rest of you guys are living the worst lifestyle imaginable.

Shitty hotels, shitty buses, shitty money, shitty life. And it takes up. You can't have a family, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, you know, all of it is dedicated to this thing that you're like clearly not succeeding at. Yeah. But it's the dream and you got to follow it. It's like, no, you fucking don't, man. But there are, see, like I do, I completely agree with you now, but at the right age,

like the most fun I ever had doing barstool Was like when we were like 23 Well that's what I mean So if you can do that shit From like 18 To like 25 And you had a fun time But you never made it Okay

But then go get it like Right Can't be like 35 years old 40 years old That's also an exaggeration I'm the most I loved it But I loved it

Yeah Because it was so fun We weren't dead Like behind the eyes Yeah No one knew who we were But so we just said what we wanted. But enough people knew who we were. It was a good in-between.

Occasionally someone on the street noticed me, but Beyonce didn't yell at me. Ariana Grande wasn't furious I made fun of her boyfriend. Yeah, I mean, I guess you've never known that. By the time you came here, and I guess even by the time you started on on twitter um like there's just repercussions for like everything you do yeah because barstool's on such a level oh yeah back in the day we got to be like anonymous trolls and it was fucking awesome but i guess really since you're i guess as you were growing little sasquatch though you were able to just fuck around anonymously and yeah i mean a big part of when i got into twitter was just like talking shit on other uh like people on twitter yeah and like basically just like saying that

you hated them and they weren't funny you were that was like half of twitter that was like half of twitter when i was first starting it and then eventually yeah dude just be like one side of twitter just be like completely ripping on the other side and being like you guys all fucking suck and how old were you you were like i was probably like 17 16 oh okay that's all i thought kb he's probably joking because no i was on twitter when i was like 13 okay yeah kb said he's like dming with you you might have been there for me kb said he's like yeah yeah i was like 13 he was grooming kb kb groomed little sass on twitter yeah me and kb have known each other for a while. KB was like one of the... We've got some cauliflower here. Yeah. KB was like one of the original viral tweeters.

Was he really? Oh, yeah. Everything he would tweet would get like 400,000 likes, and they'd be like hysterical tweets. He did this whole Craigslist thing where he would fuck with people on Craigslist, and that's what he blew up from. Really? Is that why? He just completely quit tweeting when he got hired at Barstool? The first thing he did.

The first thing I ever saw of his, I think. I'm sure I've stumbled upon other things in my... Because I've been on Twitter forever, too. But sure, I've stumbled upon things. But the first thing I read was like, this is fucking hilarious, was his breakdown of the States. Yeah, yeah. And then the next day it was announced like, hey, we're hiring this guy. I was like, oh, that's the fucking dude.

That's the guy. That's the dude. Is that why he groomed you and you guys hooked up? No, no. I've made fun of him for getting hired at Barstool when he got hired. You definitely were a Barstool hater before you worked at Barstool. I mean, yeah. It's just like if you were on Twitter, you had to be.

It had to be part of your personality. And I'm honestly glad that i got like out of that because it's like such a it's such like a mental illness like group of negative hate on everything no just like they yeah like they think they're like above everyone else they think that everyone else is wrong and it's like i'm really like they made some good points throughout their journey no they really don't though but like i mean unless like were any of them succeeding other than like viral tweets that's what I mean. It's always like throwing rocks at the throne, basically.

It's like you're making fun of people who are getting money to fucking tweet. There's a couple people who obviously succeeded from Twitter. I'm trying to think. I don't know. Do you know Jacoby? Jaboukie? Jaboukie. Jaboukie.

He started on Twitter yeah he had I remember when he had like 50,000 like Brandon Mordell that's right Zach Fox I was gonna say

Jaboukie reminds me of Zach Fox in the sense that they're always getting kicked off yeah yeah yeah Zach it's so wild

they both get suspended from Twitter yeah more often than anyone I've ever seen yeah they're both like huge comments now too yeah I've seen like. They're both like huge comments now too.

I've seen like I follow Zach but like he's never I've never seen his like stand up before. I've never seen his stand up. I know he had like a show for a while.

Really? Like on TV but I think it got cancelled. Zach is someone I'd love to have on a show. He's fucking hysterical. I would guarantee you Zach hates us.

Oh yeah. Oh sure. No doubt. He probably hates all of us. He probably sucks, though. It's like he hates Barstool, but I don't know. I feel like, you know, anybody who would actually talk to, like, the people would be like, yeah, you're fine. Yeah.

Totally normal. But they're not ready to get through the Barstool. Dude, his is the cave with fucking, who is it? Who's the producer? Oh, Kenny. Kenny Beats. Yeah. His is the cave with Kenny Beats.

Was it Jesus is the One, I Got Depression? One of the funniest things I've ever seen on YouTube. It is so impossibly fucking funny. And then when he does The Genius with Kenny Beats and he's just laughing at Kenny Beats being like, this dude wanted to achieve a dream and his most popular song that he'll ever have is me rapping about how jesus is the one

it's like fuck abraham like like yeah the whole song is so goddamn yeah he's got some funny ass songs uh the last time i feel like we did like friday night pines or whenever we're talking it was kind of before you fell in and started with roan and and yeah started doing uh son of a boy dad you always kind of were like lumped in with Nick and KB and the Anus Boys, but then the bromance with Roan comes about. Yeah. How did that come about? Did one of you

approach each other? He asked me if I wanted to start a podcast, and I was like, yeah, I would love to do that. So now he's grooming you. You're past grooming age now. Yeah, I suppose. You're 20, right? Yeah. Yeah, come on, KB. He's legal. He's legal. It's fine. Yeah, I suppose. You're 20, right? Yeah. Yeah, come on, King. You're a 20-year-old. It's legal. It's legal.

It's fine. But, I mean, Roan is one of the most talented people in the world. Oh, yeah. 100%. The fact that that's a lucky break in the sense of like, oh, yeah, I'll do a podcast with you, Roan. Yeah. You know?

Although I'm a little upset with Roan at the moment because he – oh, Robbie Fox posted a video last night of Roan reading the lyrics to Love Story for Taylor Swift. Oh, yeah. I saw that too. No, no, no. He's just doing the song, but you got to build that up from the heart. I can't do that. Please don't.

No, guess what? If I could have done it, I would have done it. I can't do it. I can't do it, so don't. How was Son of a Boy, Dan? It's good. I enjoy it a lot. I think it's like – was it you or him?

I think you were saying that you weren't sure it was going to work, but there's been enough success that you're good with it, right? Yeah, it's doing well. I just want it to keep growing, obviously. It's a grind, man. Yeah. Are you doing once a week? Yeah, we're doing once a week.

We do – sometimes we do two. As it goes, you're just going to want to do more and more. It's hard to do once a week? Yeah, we're doing once a week. Sometimes we do two. As it goes, you're just going to want to do more and more. It's hard to do once a week. By the time it's time to record, you're like, oh, that's old, or I forgot about this. Yeah, I would like to do two, but also it's like Roan is also one of the busiest people at the company. They put him on every single thing here for a good reason. I walked in this morning and they were like, film something in the lobby. I'll go in the back door, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's been the latest what's a day in the life of sass now these days? Oh man, it's a very repetitive life for me. Yeah. Trying to find some new hobbies. That's like half the reason that I was doing open mics was because it's just like,

I got bad news for you, brother. You're going gonna be doing that until you die i know but but we started so much later like he's 20 i was 21 when i started when you started what oh oh we're just just like the downfall of life like like i had my my meltdown at 27 i was pretty i was younger yeah yeah i i had a meltdown then but i were also just like a suicidal clinical yeah you know I would say probably 18 No No because you go to college

But like I know you didn't like it or succeed I kept failing out and not going to class Being miserable at college But when you're in college At least your social life is dictated You know what I mean Not if you just sit in your room

Again you're not a good fucking example I know I wasn't using it for broad strokes I was saying me social life is dictated. You know what I mean? It's just like, here's what it's going to be. Not if you just sit in your room. Again, you're not a good fucking example. I know. I wasn't using it for broad strokes. I was saying me. Yeah. That's like the only thing I miss about college is just like the social aspect of it. Yeah. Because it's weird to be like 20 working.

Like, you're working on like your career now. Yeah. At the age of 20. Yeah, it's really weird. Most people like, if they even have a career, most people just work a fucking job. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Get their minimum wage wage get their paycheck you're you're doing a career and you're starting it at like a young young age and i'm sure there's some things that like another 20 year old would would obviously be envious about you oh yeah but also you know the idea of like i remember just i was blacking out on tuesday nights and like having a blast in college you know it was just like yeah it is crazy. That was not a concern. It's crazy how like when I... Like I only went to college for like half a year. But like I still think I was like

I would go out like four nights a week and just like half the week would just be like gone. But I mean you still could do that going to bars and shit, but you probably just don't because it's not... No, it's not that fun. Like college is lawless. Yeah.

You're not gonna go out four nights a week like... I barely go out once a week anymore. Really? Really? How come? Yeah, I just don't like going out in New York. You're not going to go out four nights a week. I barely go out once a week anymore. Really? How come? Yeah, I just don't like going out in New York. You hate New York. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan. I mean, you're the king of New York, but you hate New York.

I'm not a huge fan of it. Why not? I'm slowly starting to like it more, but I just don't love it. Is it like it's just you don't like the vibes? God damn it, Rudy. You don't like the city, the atmosphere? I mean, I live in a really shitty area. So it's like I live in Hell's Kitchen, but like pretty close.

Like I live on – well, I guess I don't need to say where I live. But I live in Hell's Kitchen. And I'll be like, oh, you know what? I'm going to walk home today. I'm going to change things up. I'm going to walk home. And then it's like you're just walking over like dead bodies on the street and shit. It's brutal.

Dude, I guess like I don't know. Maybe I have it through rose colored lenses. But when people like trash it, they're like, oh, it's gone to hell. I'm like, I don't know. Honestly, I might walk through the same neighborhoods. Your standards are exceptionally low. I guess. As are mine.

As are mine. But some people don't want like massive heaps of garbage on every corner. See, I don't. I forgot about that. Fucking every time someone from Chicago comes here here they love their shoes they love their alleys yeah i was like oh because you just pile it up in the corner over there it's so much better but it's like people act like it's what it is and on trash day there's trash on the street that night and then the trash is gone when you wake up yeah but every corner is pretty fucking

i used to live they're like there's a little but like, if you walk through seven different neighborhoods, maybe it's trash, maybe every day you'll see trash, because in one of those neighborhoods it's trash day. No. But like, there's one night there's trash on the street. There's trash and homeless in every neighborhood, and it varies as how much it is. And right now, there's kind of been an upswing where there's more trash and more homeless. And so, you know, that's not great, but...

Yeah, I used to live off of, I used to live on St. Mark's, which is like obviously a very big like going out street. And I lived in like a very, like there was like restaurants. I lived above a bar and there was restaurants everywhere. And it would be like, I'd wake up in the morning and go outside and it would be just the whole street was just trash. Like the entire street. All the restaurants were closed and there was just trash bags like piled up. St. like you're in the belly of the beast man yeah yeah it was really bad and if

you're young and partying people like that and if no i don't think st mark's was like wasn't like cuomo was like don't make me come down there yeah yeah st mark's is like i mean it's it's it's like tattoo parlors and smoke shops and bars and and and like you know young people just fucking who don't give a shit. I'm trying to move back to East Village though. Definitely. I like the East Village a lot. Hell's Kitchen is just like the worst place ever. It's not great for like a

20 year old. It's like midtown west. I know where it is. All I know about it is that's where Daredevil's from. I feel like the upper west side to me is like a lot of restaurants and a lot of restaurants and a lot of nice places and then as you get more to Midtown and Hell's Kitchen

it's like a little bit it's like Times Square and Broadway is like melting up North and then Upper West is kind of melting down and it's just like neither, you know what I mean? It's not Chelsea it's not Upper West, it's not Times Square, it's just like

Like Owen, my roommate, Owen obviously works at Barstool, he It's not Chelsea. It's not Upper West. It's not Midtown Times Square. It's just like, blah. Like Owen, my roommate, Owen, obviously works at Barstool. He was walking to work like two days ago, and he was walking, and this homeless dude wearing a hospital gown just came over and just swung on him as hard as he could. What? Right outside of our apartment. Dude, that's –

And, I mean, if Owen gets hit, he lights out, bro. He dodged the punch, and then his shoulder, and the guy just kept walking and just was swinging at everyone who would walk by. Holy fuck. Yeah. Dude lights out, bro. He dodged the punch and then hit his shoulder and the guy just kept walking and just was swinging at everyone who would walk by. Holy fuck. Yeah. Dude, that's awesome.

I've seen a homeless guy in a... That's fun. When I go out I have a story today. Yeah. A homeless guy swung on me. That's fucking fun.

I had a guy and unfortunately I got a new phone so I don't have the picture of it because I don't use the iCloud. No. But the... It's not even like out of any like... I'm like scared of it. I don't know how to of it because I don't use the iCloud. No. But the – it's not even like out of any – I'm like scared of it. I don't know.

I don't know how to. Oh, I'm scared of it. I don't want to. You're full of pictures. You have to buy a cloud on you. I've been burned too many times on that. Yeah, I don't use it either. But I had a guy who was in a homeless – not a homeless, a hospital gown.

Hospital gown. At like – it was probably like 9 a.m. coming to work, something like that. It was really early. It's not a time I usually come to work. And he just had two tall boys. I was like, this guy. He didn't swing on me. This guy broke out of prison or broke out of the hospital, and he's good to go. You see someone in the hospital again on the streets, something has gone exceptionally wrong.

Oh, yeah. For their life, for the hospital they were in, things are problematic. When I was living in St. Mark's, I went to get a COVID test because I was going home that weekend and my mom wanted me to get tested for COVID. And I was standing outside of the COVID testing place because it was like it was like at capacity and I had to wait outside. Right. And there was like a phone booth right next to me. And this dude comes up and he grabs the phone and he just smashes it as hard as he can until it explodes. And then I didn't realize that that's where I live now until I was right at that phone booth.

And I was like, this is where I'm living now. I'm actually surprised there was still a phone there to begin with. I feel like, how about 1998, they started smashing random phones. He just smashed it. He just came out of nowhere, seemed completely calm, and then just picks it up and obliterates it. Dude, I love homeless people's lack of respect for anything. Oh, yeah.

It's like this exists solely for me to destroy. Part of it's kind of like I'm envious of just like there are no social norms, not a care in the world. Like when I got punched in the back like a month ago, I was just like, I don't know, it would be nice to be able to just fucking jab somebody every night. If you stepped in front of me and I perceived that as some sort of slight, I'm going to fucking knock you because I goddamn can. Oh, see, I don't even think about it with the human beings.

Yeah, the objects, the things. This is a toilet for me. This is something I'm going to break. This is something I'm going to steal. No rules apply to me. They just kick over trash cans and shit just for no reason. I was in the hospital recently and I had a homeless guy

sharing a room with me and all night I was like, he's making a ton of noise. I was like, it sounds like he is just destroying his desk in there.

Yeah. And then when the homeless guy left in the morning of his own accord, he was not discharged. He just ripped out his IVs and walked out. And guess what

he'd done the night before? He had destroyed the desk. Yeah. Like, what it sounded like he was doing And guess what he'd done the night before? He had destroyed the desk. What it sounded like he was doing is exactly what he was doing. And it was just like a drawer strewn about and I was like, oh, okay, that's what happened. I was like, it sounded like that guy, because I hadn't even seen him. I didn't know he was home until the morning.

And I was like, I think he's, I think that would be crazy if that patient is just destroying a desk. Yeah, that's exactly what they do. I think that's a nice life. We'd be in bed watching TV going, I'd like to break that bed stand. And there's going to be, like, no consequences, you know, because the people who see you are going to – like, the homeless guy – I tweeted this yesterday. I talked about it on the show.

I was driving to work. Homeless guy throws a bottle. Yeah, I saw that. I saw your tweet. And, like, the cop didn't do anything. He didn't do anything. And I didn't do anything. So it's like, why would they stop?

No. Yeah. It's like Why would they stop No yeah Yesterday I was walking home And I was right by my apartment And uh This car pulls up To like the middle of the crosswalk And then the light turns red So we all start walking

Across the crosswalk And a dude goes behind him And while he's going behind him The guy was in the center of the crosswalk And he tries to back up And he just runs over the dude And the cop got behind The car behind him is a cop. So the cop just instantly turns his sirens on.

Oh, brutal. And I was like – I'm honestly surprised he did. Yeah. Keep it moving. Keep it moving. Yeah. I kind of felt bad because, like, obviously the guy was just trying to get out of the way, and then he ended up running someone over.

So it's like kind of a shitty situation for him. Yeah. Yeah, don't ever do the right thing in New York. No. Just, like, look out for yourself, and that's fucking it, man. Yeah, yeah. I feel like you got a little bit – I feel like you're like a young Larry David in the sense of your social observation. Oh, yeah, I have no idea.

The way you – like, yeah, I don't feel like you're very inclined to go with the latest trend. I feel like you're not very inclined. You don't care what bar you're going to. Sass hasn't listened to anything but Bob Dylan since the womb. I think you've got an old soul in that sense. Is that a fair portrayal? His mom actually brought Duran Duran once. When you do go out, what do you do?

I go out with my roommates. And it's just like you go to a regular fratty bar? Or would you be like, let you do go out, what do you do? Oh, I go out with my roommates. And it's just, like, you go to a regular, like, fratty bar? Or would you be, like, let's go find, like, a... No, I don't really like going to bars that are, like, super crowded. I don't like that at all. Because I don't like when people talk to me. Like, when people come up to me and talk to me. Not, like, if I'm going...

Not if I'm, like, actually want to engage in a conversation with a person. I mean, like... I don't know how to say it without saying it. I'm kind of like a dick. No. There is a way, but it's okay don't know how to say it without saying it, I'm like a dick. There is in a way, but it's okay. But this is the way. I don't like when there's like a lot of people who know me and they all are coming up to

me. It's just like overwhelming. There's nothing against them personally, but it's just like a lot. You don't want to do those conversations. Because I have nothing to say and I always see, I always, what I was wondering when we were talking about the Brianna thing, like, it's like, I can't imagine talking to fans for six hours straight. Like, what do you talk about?

You gotta have, like, canned responses. Yeah, my response is just, thanks, I appreciate it. Yeah. Or if people would ask me, like, how did you get to Barstool? And that's it, even if it's, like, a fan coming up, that's, like, an interview or whatever. Yeah.

I have, like, a fucking – almost like a routine. Yeah. Here's the way I explain it. Yeah. But if you have to do that for, like, six hours with the people, it's, like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm sure with, like – I'm sure, like, she has a lot of girl fans. I'm sure they're not all, like, oh, where's Dave?

Like, he's got a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When we – when me and Rome were in Penn State We had these kids follow us around For like an hour straight Basically like

Waiting for us to hire them What do you think is the outcome here? Me of all people Is going to be like alright yeah you're on Sign this paper you're a part of Arsenal now pal That's also weird for like College kids are like following around sass. Like I don't know if I was a 20-year-old if I could be like fanboying for another 20-year-old.

Yeah. I don't know. That's weird. Yeah. I didn't even like Sidney Crosby until I got into my 30s. I could do that. All right. Let's get into some MIT assholes.

I actually have one question for sass too. How do you decide what gets tweeted from Sasquatch versus SamSquatch? Oh, it's a whole process. Is it? Walk us through the genius. It's really not that impressive. But it's like sometimes if I have a tweet and I'm like, okay, this is really funny.

I'm going to tweet it from little Sasquatch. But then other times I'm like, oh, I'll test the waters and I'll tweet it from my other account. And if it does well, I'll delete it. Then you switch it over. I'll delete it. And post it. Even though the small account has like 75,000 followers.

It's kind of like a hack of a, of a thing. But there are like, I feel like there's some from Sam Squinch. If I'm pronouncing that right. Yeah. Okay. Sam Squinch.

Is that how it's pronounced? Yeah. The, there is somewhere just like, it feels like that's just like your, like it's just a regular dude's tweet. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then other times I'm like, you can see like, okay, that might be a Sasquatch tweet.

Yeah, yeah. Is it like my friend who is from El Salvador? She's like, sometimes I just think in Spanish. Sometimes I just think in English. I don't really choose. It just kind of happens. Sometimes he's Sas. Sometimes he's Sam Squad.

No, yeah. From the little Sam Scratch account, I tweet like 100 times a day. I'll tweet anything. I don't care what happens. Where did Sasquatch come from? I have no idea. Literally, there's no origin story.

It was my gamer tag in high school on PlayStation. No, nothing behind it? All my friends had cool gamer tags and mine was like

Harry Hockey. Harry Hockey? Yeah. I like it. And I was like, well, I gotta change this. Harry Hockey? Yeah. I like it. And I was like, well, I got to change this. So I changed it to Lil Sasquatch. And Sasquatch was just like a word on your brain at the time? No, I genuinely don't remember.

That's almost better than a good origin story. I don't have an origin story at all. It's not good. It's not bad. It just doesn't exist. It's like Sasquatch just like... It just is. It just became.

Yeah, pretty much. It's not a little Sasquatch. All right, so we'll do M.I. the Asshole. M.I. the Asshole today is brought to you by New Amsterdam Vodka. Soon enough,

young Sas will be able to have his first drink. And when that happens, it's nothing but New Amsterdam. We should do a – When is your birthday? We have a Sassapalooza. Yes.

April 5th. Sassapalooza, April 5th, sponsored by New Amsterdam Vodka. You're going to get your first vodka drink ever. We'll have a Sasquatch drink. What would be your favorite vodka drink, Sass? Probably just straight New Amsterdam. It's five times distilled.

You don't need anything else, man. You can drink it on the rocks. You can shoot it. You can do martinis, mixed drinks every which way. I recommend doing it while you're watching a little NHL hockey. Maybe watching the Kraken. They're the official vodka of the NHL. Maybe while you're listening to a little Spittin' Chicklets.

How about Biz thinking that Bucci Gras was from Canada the other day? I mean, Biz. Unbelievable. Biz is the smartest, dumbest man in the world. Is he the smartest dumb guy or the dumbest smart guy? Well, you said Dave. Yeah. So now we're talking about Biz.

But, like, Biz has some dopiness to him, but also is, like, the most, like, shrewd businessman I know. You know? He's, like, building an empire over there. But then he also doesn't know the difference between Ontario. Well, it is. Like, biz is just cheap. No, it's not just that, though.

It's like. He's also not. That's like a trope. He has these moments on the podcast where he's just like, oh, god damn it. Like, I'm the doofus again. But yet. But he's also running with Wayne Gretzky this morning. Right.

That's what I mean. Yeah, I saw it. That was so weird. Fucking Harry Hockey was like, holy shit. That's a great one. Did you play a lot, by the way? Yeah, I played for a while. Well, I played for most of my youth.

I quit in high school because I sucked. Good stuff. I was always awful at sports. Where did you play? Where did you go? Duxbury, Massachusetts. Duxbury is fucking good. Duxbury is like a cake eater.

I wasn't. Duxbury is a cake eater area. Cake eater is strictly one town, which we never learned until we went there for the Super Bowl. Cake eater is a diner in Minnesota. Oh, yeah? Yeah. But the essence of cake eater. Yeah, I mean, that means something.

Yeah. So, yeah. That's at least what people in the diner told us. I, I mean, that means something. So, yeah. That's at least what people in the diet have told us. I don't know. I didn't research it. Pink Whitney, New Amsterdam vodka. Go get it. Drink responsibly.

Enjoy. Am I the asshole? This one kind of went viral. So, couple hires a wedding photographer. Not, no. Couple hires a person to do the photography for their wedding. Not a professional photographer. wedding photographer not no couple hires a person to do the photography for their wedding not a a professional photographer they were a dog groomer who also would take like good shots of the dogs

for instagram so they were like hey you're pretty good with taking pictures can you work our wedding we're working on a budget uh it was 250 bucks for the whole day and when you do a wedding like you got to be there hours before before the wedding to take pictures. You gotta be there through the night. And around, like, five o'clock, the photographer wanted to sit and eat and have a drink. Because also they were, like, in a VFW post.

There was no air conditioning. They were sweating their dick off. And they were like, no, get to work. And she was like, he or she, I don't remember, was like, she was like, I need a don't remember was like she was like I need a drink of water

and I'm fucking starving so like I'm gonna eat and they said something like you know less eating more photography like more photography how about that

that's insane so she deleted all their photos yeah she was just like oh well that's kind of crazy so that's the question that is a

that is a fucking move yeah first of all great compliment to you Because when I said, it's pretty short You can just recite it I was referring to the tweet I apologize for putting that on you No, I got the details, we're good

Yes, you nailed it But I didn't realize it was all that It was a friend of the groom And the groom was like Can we just sit down and have some shrimp cocktail and a fucking glass of water? She also flipped over the raw bar. No, it was not a raw bar. It's a VFW.

It was like suits and ties. It was craft singles with some pepperoni, man. They were more fucking football jerseys than there were crustaceans at that wedding. Well, what did she do, though? I missed that part. I think she flipped over maybe a table or... The photographer did? Yes.

Like, fuck this? Yeah. Oh, okay. So that's even worse. Or maybe I misread. Yeah, I believe I saw that. Yeah, when a photographer who deleted bride and groom's pictures breaks silence. Oh.

So... I think that is a 1,000% fair thing to do i i think i think that the least you thought that was blue i'd be like no no no i think it's fair but it there is something to like okay wait a minute like let's relax for a second before we do something drastic because it's like there's just no going back on that that that couple now never has wedding photos ever again and like in the moment this person is being a bridezilla or an asshole groom, and, you know, I understand the anger.

Like, I think you could've just been like, I'm fucking eating, and that's it. Yeah. Or walk out or whatever, and then just, maybe not directly in the moment.

Like, just wait on that. I feel like... If you want to delete them in the morning, delete them in the morning. Yeah, I feel like they also have way more leverage than the bride.

Like, they keep being like, oh, we're not gonna pay you, and they keep being like, okay, well, then you're not gonna get your pictures. Yeah, I feel like they also have way more leverage than the bride. They keep being like, oh, we're not going to pay you. And they keep being like, okay, well, then you're not going to get your pictures. Yeah, that totally. If there was no payment, then it's like, all right, fine. But also, $250. That's why there's no payment. It was a favor.

No, but what I read was it was $250. Oh, well, that's no payment. $250 is no payment. Oh, yeah, don't wedding photographers get paid like a shit ton? I would guess $15,000. No, it's not that. I mean, you probably can go that high. I think mine was like $5,000 or $6,000.

It was crazy. But this was, you know, a friend. And at one point, the asshole said, like, I'm working for 10 hours for like $250. This is basically no money. But I ultimately have no problem with it. Fuck that bride and groom. There's no doubt about it they are the asshole it just is it's silly but like wedding pictures are this fucking thing and that's probably why you should pay a real photographer yeah and do more than 250 bucks

and be nice to them and let them eat food and like we were you know it's like it is a shitty day to do so you know it's almost like let's be very nice to these people but they were total assholes but to just be like oh yeah and there's just no getting them know, it's almost like, let's be very nice to these people. But they were total assholes. But to just be like, oh, yeah? Boop. And there's just no getting them back. Yeah, that's crazy. And it's like, now that those people just don't have any fucking memories of their wedding.

You could have used it and been like, I'm not going to give you your pictures. And then they could have been like, well, we're not going to pay you. And then, like, eventually they're going to be like, okay, we need the pictures. Yeah. See, I think two things here.

One, like, is there a mass delete button on the camera? Like, I don't think. No. I think you just got to go through one through one. She individually deleted all those pictures. She might just have, like, is there a mass delete button on the camera? I don't think. No. I think you just got to. She individually deleted all those pictures. She might just have a card and just like. Okay, so if she ate that. Totally in.

If she was sitting at the table, it was just like, fine. Probably like, fuck you guys. If she ate like a bite of steak, washed it down with the water. Fucking awesome. Not only is that not the asshole, that's awesome. Yeah. Just you're threatening. It's asshole, that's awesome. Yeah. Just you're threatening. It's like, oh, yeah, really?

Yeah. Just queuing up a fucking file. And then the other thing is, I think part of this, again, I think it's underrated, under-talked about that this wedding happened at a VFW. And if any listeners ever got married at a VFW, I'm sure it was beautiful.

But if you got married at a VFW, it's almost beneficial. It's almost a favor to not have the pictures. I was going to say the last thing you want to remember. Remember the time that we were so broke and poor that we got married at the American Legion? Like, nah, I'd rather not memorialize that. Right. Memorialize that for the rest of my life. Like, if you say, okay, so you tell all your friends and new friends you get after your wedding, like, such a gorgeous day, such a beautiful day. And then you bust out an album full of VFWs.

Well, they now know you're a liar. But if you have no pictures. You can tell me I got married on the Amalfi Coast. You can paint whatever picture you want. Yeah, we were the French Riviera. There wasn't a purple and yellow lion in the background. No, that's the Lions Club, not the VFW. Some buckhead up there, whatever the fuck it is.

There's some guy ranting about Vietnam in the corner. He can't get out. He's just got a cot in the back. He just comes with the VFW post. Wait, go back. What was that about Thailand at the end there? The last line. Which one? Nope, last one. Keep going, keep going, go back. What was that about Thailand at the end there? The last line. Which one?

Nope, last one. Keep going, keep going, keep going. $1,000 to attend their wedding in Thailand. They're just talking about other examples of bad wedding days. It was the groom that she went up to. You thought these guys were going on a honeymoon to Thailand? What? Yeah, right.

Maybe. Maybe she's getting St. Petersburg. Depends on what the Southwest flights are that week. You haven't probably even been to a wedding, have you? No, I have not. Yeah, you got some years. I thought I was going to get invited to Rome's, but I didn't. Oh, wow.

Got snubbed on that one, huh? Well, that was been sitting in the chest for a while. Get it out. Get it out. I didn't actually think I was going to get in on it. Let's get that as a clip. We started our podcast. Son of a boy dad team

dissension over here. Wow. I hope that there was a discussion. I hope that Rowan and his bride were like, Rowan was like, how about a little sass?

And she was like, no. No shit. Not that fucking thing. Karaoke? Which is almost like, we've already said that like three times now.

We went out, I went out in Nashville with Rowan and his wife, and I just felt bad that they had to like... It must be so weird for them. What? In their 30s, going out with me. I'm just this little child.

You have the self-confidence of me where you're like, this must be awful for them. That was a genuine like, why? And he's like, this must be awful for them. That was a genuine, like, why? Because they were with me. Just the general idea of spending time with me. That's what I was thinking every time I talked to somebody. But you don't seem, like, when you do go out, alright, let's say you find the perfect bar.

Well, we had this whole thing that happened where we got kicked out. And it was because of me and my friend from home because we're underage. Yeah, okay, so that's embarrassing. I felt bad for them. I was like, they don't, like, they're 13 years past this. They have not worried about getting to have a bar in decades. Who did I do that with recently?

See, I kind of think, by the way, and I can't speak for them, I would love a night like that. I would love to get back. Like, drinking is not fun once you're legal. Put that on a fucking phone. Like, I would love to be sneaking somebody in or buying somebody beer or worrying about a fake id that shit was that was the fun of it all that was the glory days it must have been a barstool employee because i don't hang out with many sub

21 year olds in my regular life but there was some someone recently where i was like i've never they were using a fake id and i was like i've never worried about whether or not someone's fake will work yeah in long-ass fucking time. I don't even know the game these days. I know they've got the vertical ones and the holograms and things that are unfakeable and you can't lie your way through. Well, I did until that weekend. You got taken away? Yeah.

I also hate to when they take it away. It was really frustrating. I got one when I was a a junior in high school and then I had, I lost those ones and then I got new ones in freshman year of college and I lost those ones. And then I got new ones last year and they were like the best ones I've ever had. And I was like, there's no way I'm going to lose these both before I turned 21. And I still have one of my ones from college.

So I had three. And then I lost two in one month and that was this month. Meaning like taken by. Taken. Yeah. That to me is the meat, like the fucking. So now I'm just in one month. And that was this month. Meaning like taken by. Taken. Yeah. That to me is the meat. Like the fucking. So now I'm just like fucked too.

But like you must never use them in New York, right? Like I can't. No. Yeah. You got to use them in New York. Really? No, I didn't know. I didn't lose them in New York.

But you use IDs in New York? Yeah. How else would you go places? I don't. I guess. You're not getting carded. You're also fucking old man They're not carding you, you're a fat puffy bag of shit

You look like bloated old men Dude I thought that New York just did an IV No For the first I thought New York was like fuck it we're New York City You can do whatever you want baby We used to be worried

Cause the whole thing when we were at fordham you get it to bronx bars no problem manhattan bars was like you better have a good fake apparently there's a lot of birds here we're like sure i was like i was like what do you use ids oh because your past p passport vaccine yeah yeah i get that nope nope just the drinking thing in uh in during like when new york was fully locked down, they didn't ID anybody sitting outside. That was free for all. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I meant. I was referring to that specific time. On a night where everything's good, you're in the type of bar you like, you're in, everything's fine, are you ripping shots? Are you the type? Are you throwing back beers? Are you going to get on the dance floor? Are you going to fight? What's a crazy night or like a normal night for sass

uh no i usually well i don't take shots i hate hard out oh i love hard alcohol so no shots no shots you're a beer guy i like beer yeah and then i'll i don't know i don't i don't really know what happened i don't really know what happened. I don't really know what I do. I haven't gone out in New York in a while. I haven't been here. I've been going away. Been going on trips with Roan. He forces me to come with him places. This kid is just getting grouped.

But it's fun. It's fun going away. He's got Stockholm Syndrome already. You arguably might be living the strangest life of a 20-year-old. Yeah, probably. If you gave me every other 20-year-old in the world, he might have the weirdest life. Anyone with free will. And we're not sure if he does. Anyone who's not chained up.

I feel like Sass is blinking on camera. He's locked up by Roan. I mean, I don't know what I do. I don't know where I go. I don't Roan. I mean, I don't know what I do. I don't know where I go. I don't know what... I mean, I don't know. I go out. I don't...

What else would anyone else say? They go out and they get... Are you like the type like shut down the bar? You go out to like four? No. It depends on the night. Yeah.

I hated that about New York. I still do. I don't stay out until four, but I'll go out until like two or three. I can't do it anymore. I had a thing where it was just like, I used to fucking go until two or three. Also, I go out with like Nick and KB. And they're like, Nick's going home at like 9.30. So usually it doesn't last too long.

Really all around, like Sass is just weird examples of life. You know what I mean? It's like, oh. If I was with my friends from home. He's an amalgam of already weird people. Right. Oh, I got a little bit of Kyle. I got a little bit of Nick.

I got a little bit of Rowan. It's like, yeah, you're a fucking wacko, man. When I go out with my friends from home, when I go visit them, we'll stay out really late and get fucked up. It's fun. But I don't do that here.

Were you doing house parties, beer pong, and all that kind of shit? No. No, not really. I don't really do that shenanigans. Let's do one more Am I the Asshole, and then we'll get into our first ever video voicemails. Should I do this one? Do Pat? Yes, yes, yes.

Okay. We got an in-house am I the asshole. Am I the asshole because I continuously send my co-worker slash friend. I'll correct that. My friend slash co-worker. I think Pat's got that one ahead now. My friend slash co-worker naked pictures of men who I hang out with. Now, I also. These are, and I do feel like this is a fair clarification.

Pat is sending them to me. Right. Pat is sending pictures – I'm not sending them to Pat. Pat is sending John pictures of other naked men. Yeah. It's neither Pat nor John. He's just sexting John with other people.

And to be – It's not – they're not sexy pictures. It's not like sexting Let's Hang on Hang on I'm freaking out I don't know where this came from

Fucking straight up I don't know what you're fucking talking about sexting The I'll tell you what Pat is gonna make me become a homophobe over this It's gonna be Disaster Either that or you're coming out of the closet

You're going one way or the other He's turning into a homophobe or a homosexual. One or the other. Now, don't you dare let Joey find out that you don't think those are sexy. They're not sexy. It's just not sexting. There's a difference. Okay.

But, like. Pull up the picture. We've got to show sass. Pat's going to have to. Joey Kamasta? No. He's friends with Snooki. He's got a show with her.

And he has a couple of his own shows.'s this big gay bear so fucking funny a walking cartoon and stereotype uh and this is the picture he yeah i don't i think that's funny it's it's you know it's funny to look at it if you think about if you think about like he's an amputee, it's kind of funny. Like, if you think it just stops there, it just looks like two loaves of bread sitting on a fucking, I don't know what. I mean, if that's what it is. No, no, no. But it's just, like, I feel like I've opened a door by not being a homophobe Where Pat is just like Hey look here's

Yeah Here's ass There's no dick in that That's not the only word he's ever said Do we have any I'm not in the need of Are we doing Is he saying like hard dicks

No fuck no No no no Oh okay Soft dicks No No but like how about like Like naked like ass up poses Like that.

Like someone's in bed. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like how gay guys send nudes. Right, right, right. Because he'd still be... Yeah, yeah. Can we do it?

Yeah, it is. I think you've shown me pictures like that before. I would. I feel like... No, they're not of anyone. They're not of you. I feel like I've gotten pictures like that from girls. Exactly my point.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just not exclusively. Exactly my point. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just not exclusively to the games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girls do it too. And the bottoms, I imagine. I remember that. Here's an angle for you. Pat shows, if you're next to Pat and Pat happens to be on Grindr,

you're about to see seven dicks. Yeah. And a couple of guys bent over like that. Pat's going to show you so much. You're going to feel like you're in an NFL locker room. What Zach was telling me. I feel like Pat would do that to literally anybody. Anybody.

Friends, strangers, whatever. Oh, has he done it to you guys? Bosses. No, but I feel like he would. No, but if I was there. I feel like Pat does it to everyone. Anyone else in the room? Pat does it to all of us.

But if I was next to him, and actually, I probably have gotten some from him, to be honest. Let me just check real quick on my text. But I feel like if I was next to him, anything is fucking fair game. Anything's coming out. Zach was telling me, like, the subtle differences between Grindr and, like, Tinder, like the straight apps, which is kind of funny is that, like, Grindr, your location goes down to footage. Like, Tinder is, like, within your neighborhood, basically, right?

Like, hey, I'm in Denver. Let me set it to Denver. I'm going to find a person in this city to maybe go out with. Grindr is like the guys by the bathroom. In the bar you're in, and you're going to suck his dick. I was in California with my friends from school, and one of them is gay, and we were at the beach, and he was on Grindr, and they were like, blah, blah, blah. It's 10 feet away.

Yeah. And we just looked over, and there's like a group of dudes over there. We're ready to fuck. It's actually so weird. That is – and that's what it's for, right? That's like – it's like we want to hook up, and we want to hook up right now. Yeah. It's like you might as well be as –

Why were you hesitant to say sure? Yeah, I mean it basically is Like it's technically not supposed to be like that But it makes it very Like I hooked up with someone who was 200 feet away from me That's so fucking How is it technically not supposed to be like that When it's not

Well like you should Like Theoretically it could be to date or talk or whatever Yeah but and also like Well some guys like the prudes will be like Oh yeah no like it's totally not not really But like you know if you're going on there you should I don't want to say you should have the expectation. You're like – but that's basically, yeah.

How many grinder hookup – how many grinder, like, matchings, whatever it's called? Not even matchings. That's another thing. You don't have to match. So, like, Tinder, Hinge, all those you match, you just message anyone. So, I get, like, 50-year-old dicks just sent to me. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, it's a crazy – So, you could get – you could say, I want't know that. Oh, it's a crazy...

So you could say, I want my thing within five feet. Here's a cock. No, well, so... And then you're like, perhaps? I'm afraid to pull mine up, but I can show you. I bet you are. It's like little squares of... Fuck it, hold on.

Yeah, get it up, man. Do it, you little twink. Fuck. Fuck it hold on Yeah Get it up man Do it you little twink Fuck Is Grindr also Like It's It's used right Like I mean That was the first one

The only one that I know of Yeah But it's still like The The The The go to right Yeah for hookups and stuff

Yeah But then like That's why like If I'm looking to like Date someone I'd probably use like Hinge So So Grindr was the first one

Well so like So Grindr Well no It's also like Scruff Well there's a No there was a Scruff I think

Was like the first one Scruff And there was also Another one I think it's called Jacked That it was like Specifically for like

Gyms And like those Like you wanna Fuck in a gym Yeah you wanna Fucking like the Blocker room That's hilarious

I'm looking to Fuck you In the equinox That's crazy Shower Here you go I like how the gay's even gentrified, like, random fucking. It used to be, like, Craigslist and Backpain. Oh, Craigslist was definitely the first.

Craigslist was definitely the first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would even tell you that. But that's the gentrification of it. Right, oh, yeah. That's like, we made it nice, we made it neat. Now you're not going to get murdered. Yeah.

Now, you know. Yeah, Craigslist was, like, a tough neighborhood. So it's, like, these. Oh, he's freaking. So it's just, like. Wait, so, like, these are, Yeah, Craigslist was like a tough neighborhood. So it's like these. Oh, these are for you. So it's just like. Wait, so like those are, these are like their profile pictures? Yeah, you don't even have to have like a. It's like an explore page.

Yeah. Yeah, it looks like Instagram. So everyone. Actually, you can even do explore on here. And I want to send it to like Denver. I can just do that. And just show me a bunch of people from Denver. People just don't wear shirts in their profile pictures.

That's like. If you are wearing a shirt in a profile picture, you must be a loser. You are a prude loser. Yeah. Well, well.

It's okay. You can set the age to whatever you want. What's your age? 27? 22, 34. I didn't really set it,

to be honest with you, because I didn't want to. Yeah. I don't even know how we got on this What's the M.I. the Asshole? Is Pat the Asshole for Sending the Pictures? Oh, right, right, right

You know, because you're closeted, I don't think so I think he's just on a mission here He's either going to have me sucking dicks or burning rainbow flags. He's pushing me. Make a decision. One or the other. Shit or get off the pot. You're bothering me, man.

The mangina is. My thing is I just light rainbow flags on fire. You know what you should tell him? That's just a John thing. He just does that. I don't think it's an. I think it's like you're the asshole as long as you keep fucking pawning off other people.

You know what? You're going to bottom me with dick pics? Make it yours, you little bitch. Mind you, I also don't think he's the asshole.

I think it's funny as well. I mean, naturally, this is all funny. Just in case Pat gets back to Pat. Pat, we're just joking about your sexual abuse?

Assault. Harassment. Harassment. Harassment. There it is. I knew it was one of those. We're probably going to get in trouble for this. You think so? Remember, we got in trouble for...

I don't think we could be getting in trouble when it happens to... We have a sexual harassment training that we have to do by the 15th. Oh, yeah. Two days. Haven't done it yet. And it's allowed.

We haven't been trained yet. We can't possibly know. You can't yell at a kid who hasn't learned to shit in done it yet. And it's allowed. We haven't been trained yet. We can't possibly know. You can't yell at a kid who hasn't learned to shit in the toilet yet. Right. I'm not going to yell at my kids if they don't know how to do math yet. They haven't fucking learned it yet. Come on, man. All right, so I think we're all on the same page.

So let's do first ever in the history of KFC radio, the long, illustrious 10-year history, the first ever video voicemails are brought to you by Thursday Boots. Yay, yay. Can you grab the box? I think it's right down there. I got a new fresh pair of boots. We've been partnering with Thursday Boots for a couple years now.

And the latest boots they sent, first of all, smell these. Yeah. Oh, that leather smells sass. Hit that, bro. Hit that. That is one of the best smells. It is really nice. It's pungent.

They really let that leather out, man. It smells like a leather couch. Yes, exactly. It's like having a leather couch on your feet, man. But I'm always talking to Nolan, who's the guy who runs Thursday Boots. And he's always like, I'll be back. I'm down in South America, man. He's always traveling all around the world to get the finest leathers and crafts.

He's been hitting my homeland of Portugal a bit, too. Has he? I forget. He said some country. I forget what it was. Oh, man. He smells so good. The whole average is just us, Hoffman.

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First ever video voicemails. We'll start off with Pierce. Shout out to Pierce. You are our free fucking hoodie to Pierce for being the guy who christens this and sends us off. Maiden Voyage, let's go. What's up, guys? Quick question for you. If you were to pick your ideal comedy show lineup who

would you pick doesn't have to be a list or uh the most popular comics but some who you feel would fit well together just some of your personal favorites let me know thanks question have sass on the show that kid looks like my old roommate so much. So weird. Really? Yeah, might be him. Might be going under a different name now. Maybe he killed somebody. What would have burned in the alias? Now I'm getting the CIA. I'm fucked.

There he is. Who would be your dream lineup? I don't know. It's a hard question. It's one. It's almost like the diner menu or the Cheesecake Factory menu. It's like it's paralyzing. There's so much shit to choose from.

There's so many options, so many good choices that it's hard to – Let's narrow it down to a five-person show. Five. Three? Wow. Three. I think three would be better. Three. I'm going one, James Acaster because because I once a year talk about him,

and I haven't really done it yet this year. So good time to go. Have you ever seen him? He's a British. Yeah, yeah, me and Owen were watching him the other day. So fucking funny. I don't think he's working anymore, right? Is he?

I don't know. He's kind of a weird one where he's on and off, I think. But God, his special is unbelievable. I watched it at your apartment the night I lost myself out of mine. Not lost myself out. I drove down. It was a heavy pandemic. I drove down from Massachusetts to, oh, you know where Fall River is,

from Fall River to Manhattan and realized I just never brought my apartment keys. Summer party at my place. So I had to go hang out at Kevin's, and we watched, I think we watched three of the four. I watched all four. I think you went to bed after three. Yeah. And we watched, I think we watched three of the four. I watched all four. I think you went to bed after three. But it was just like, you can't, like, most comedians, even an hour, the last ten minutes, you're kind of like, all right.

It's dragging. Yeah. Yeah. We watched three. Four fucking hours of it. Four hours of it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's crazy. Good sign. James Acaster repertoire on Netflix is unbelievable. Four hours. Individual hours. But throughout the whole thing, There's shit weaved in I would go A-Caster I would go

I would not have Chappelle on my list Yeah I wouldn't either I think right now Yeah I think right now It's a totally different game I think if you're asking me Like you know early 2000s It's Chappelle

And only Chappelle I think Chappelle I don't think Chappelle I think Chappelle is exceptionally cool. I think sometimes he just does stuff to be... I mean, I watched the closing. I don't think I laughed once. And it's not like I wasn't angry about it.

I don't think he was even really telling jokes. He was just kind of getting upset about stuff. And I very much like Chappelle. I saw him at the Foo Fighters when MSG opened. I saw him at 9-11 thing. Yeah. And both times I went crazy seeing himers when MSG opened. I saw him at 9-11 thing. And like both times I went crazy seeing him. It's now almost like you like him. He's a rock star by the way.

Yes, he's a rock star, yeah. And it's like, oh, fuck, Chappelle's here. Just like you do with fucking, I don't know, Mick Jagger walked in. Holy shit. And the same way that maybe the new stuff isn't the best, it's the same way that you know the Rolling Stones had their fucking hits. Chappelle has Killing Them Softly and all that

shit. What's the other one? I always blank on that. There's like the two main ones. Killing Them Softly and... I do not know the answer to that one. I can't. But I guess I would go... Alright, fuck it. You know what? I'ma do it. I'ma do it. I'ma say Louis C.K.

Yeah! Let's go, Mr. Fucking Honesty! Let's go! Mr. Fucking Honesty! Let's go! Louis is fucking And Hardy Weinstein. That's my third. Would you go to a Louis C.K. show right now?

Yeah, I was actually gonna go to one, but I, something came up and I couldn't go. Your conscience? Yeah. I mean,

Nate was like, freaking me the fuck out about it too. He was like, dude, there's gonna be like, there's gonna be like, riots and stuff outside of the show. I's like, dude, there's going to be like riots and stuff outside of the show.

I was like, no, there's not. The girls out there, the booking team were like, would you go to a Louis C.K. show? And I was like, yeah. And they were like, and I was like, no, I mean, no, I wouldn't. They were physically appalled by me. Yeah. I mean, he's coming back. It's undeniable he's coming back.

He is undeniably funny. And it's just his pandemic special is still probably the funniest thing I've seen. Like it or not, people are forgiving him for that enough. You know? Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want people to know I went to a show, but I was like, what if what if you were going to a show? But there was like a protest outside. So there was like the news was outside.

Yeah, no. I would keep walking. Oh, see, no. I wouldn't like put on my Instagram story like the king is back with him on stage. But if someone asked like, did you go to the Louis C.K. show? I'd be like, yeah, it's pretty funny. Would you go if it was like a camera there and you were like on the – like there's a clip going around on the internet. It's like John Fidelberg walking in front and center.

I would – if it was just me walking – like I wouldn't stop – again, I wouldn't stop and give an interview like, so excited the dude's back. What if it was – There's Jesus and then Louis C.K. Resurrections, baby! What if this? What if you went and it was a – you found out it was like a Louis C.K. special filming

and you're like the crowd shot guy. Like they keep going back. Would you do that? I would just, I mean, he crushed me. I probably wouldn't sign up for the casual harassment from people. I think I would sign up to be like the Louis CK.

Yeah. All right. So you got a, a caster, Louis CK and an eclectic duo already. Yeah, A-Caster probably wouldn't do it. Fuck. I guess.

Oh, fucking no, it's not hard. Soda. Soda. Bro, I listened to Son of a Gary, and I've been laughing so – I listened to Son of a Gary probably four times this week. When he talks about That's like psychopath behavior A comedy special four times in one week is weird

And it's Wednesday Yeah That's a non-exaggeration And Son of a Gary is worth it Saturday I started listening I would guess from Saturday to today I've listened three to four times The skit when he's talking about Not the skit, bit

When he's talking about that he smokedit, bit, when he's talking about that he smoked, he played with dolls until he was 12. But he also started smoking at 12. So he would play in earnest with his G.I. Joes and then go outside for a cigarette. That crossover is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. He's talking about the fucking white trash accents in Denver.

And he didn't realize they had them until he watched the X Games. Like, what's up? What's up, my sponsors? And he's like, oh, there it is. Never mind. Okay, we do have accents. Son of a Gary is so goddamn fucking funny. This is easy for me.

I'm surprised that this wasn't on your list. But to me, there's three people who are the most naturally funny. I already know you're going to have Bargatze. Everything they say is funny. Bargatze, DeStefano Soder. That would be my three. That's a good three. Actually, I got to think about it, too, in terms of a special.

Soder is almost better, I think, doing podcasts and Bonfire and shit where he can kind of go all over the place. But I think those guys, whether it's written material or just like riffing, I mean, Nate can fucking read the phone book and I'm laughing. Stefano is, you know, I think the most naturally funny guy on the planet. I've never really – I saw Stefano do a – Yeah, like I haven't seen much of his actual stand-up. I'm going to see him at Foxwoods October 23rd. I think there are still tickets available. But the value I saw.

I'm surprised you didn't do Gary Goldman. I love I don't think I don't know enough of his work. I'm going to see him at Carnegie Hall for New York Comedy Fest. And the Great Depression I've seen 50 times. Yeah. But that's just that's his one special that I really know. Well, who you got? It's

Okay well Tim Dillon I've never seen Any of his stand up either I've seen him twice And he Like crushed Both times

Yeah it's so fucking funny When a guy's in his prime And they're And they know They're in their prime Like right now Tim knows He is fucking

Yeah The guy right now. It's lights out. Yeah, I'm seeing him again at the Beacon in November, which will be cool. So Tim Dillon. Fuck. Does Stefano's one who I haven't seen who I would really like to see? Who's like your old – like what's like old school for you, I guess?

I mean like Bill Burr, Tom Segura, Louis C.K. Segura, I think him and Mulaney. Mulaney would be on there too. Mulaney, yeah. God, as you go through it, it's like I can't believe I didn't say Burr. I can't believe I didn't say Tom. You know what I like? I thought Segura and Mulaney were the best at the 9-11 thing.

Mulaney, I thought, was the best. Oh, my God. That was like so self-deprecating. He was hysterical. Tom and Bert were talking about Chris Rock on their latest Two Bears, One Cave. It's almost like I think what Chappelle went on to become,

Chris Rock just kind of stayed as an actor-comedian. But like when Chris Rock was coming out, that was the funniest shit ever. The first one I think that was the funniest shit. And like the first one, I think really like nailing the racial humor.

Is that the one with the leather blazer? Yes. The one where he's like the black leather blazer. He's in like, he's in DC, I think. Yeah, what's the one? That's the one where he says

that they should charge money for like 500 bucks for a bullet. Yeah, all of that like shit That was his recent one, right? No, you mean like Tambourine? I don't know what it's called. Tambourine. was that the one where he did talk about the vegas shooting tambourine was the most recent one yeah no this is old this is old yeah it's probably like early 2000s i would guess well when he's talking about like the hbo special is like the the the one when

he's talking about like him he lives in the same neighborhood as eddie murphy and jay-z and his neighbor is a dentist he's not the best dentist in the like him he lives in the same neighborhood as Eddie Murphy and Jay-Z and his neighbor is a dentist he's like not the best dentist in the world just he lives in the same neighborhood as me Eddie Murphy and Jay-Z

cause he's got he's got bring the pain never scared and bigger and blacker I think never scared never scared is 04 and that was like

the one that we probably but you know that to me was like the funniest like racial shit and then Chappelle kinda came over And like took that on

And made it more of like A social commentary But Chris Rock was just like Funny shit about White guys and black guys You know And what was your third? So Bill

Bill Tim and It was Tim Chris DiStefano And then I don't know Who my third would be I would say Shane Gillis But I've also seen

Shane Gillis a bunch Oh I think. I would say Shane Gillis, but I've also seen Shane Gillis a bunch. Oh, fuck. I forgot about Shane. If I would say this year, I think you'd say Gillis over everybody. Yeah. If you were picking a show right now. I think right now it would be Tim Gillis. Maybe Andrew Schultz.

Maybe Schultz, yeah. They're like the three. All three of them exploded over the last year. I've seen his internet. I've seen like I've seen his Internet. I've seen what he puts on his Instagram. Yeah, I've never seen it. I've never seen his stand up either. I just know that he like exploded over quarantine.

All right. Next voicemail. Video voicemail. What's up, hair? Zach is going to jerk off right now. Zach's like, I love video voicemails. Let's get more of these. Tell you what, happy I threw hair in there.

Just me and Zach going by, hair! How about Skylar Cecilia? What's up? KFC, Fights, Nick, Jackie, rest of the crew. So I actually just left an old school voicemail like 30 minutes ago, and then I kept on listening to the podcast. You guys mentioned the video voicemail, So I figured I'd just leave one, uh, especially cause KFC kind of called me out as a 19 year old depressed kid. So figured I might as well call again. Um, what I wanted to ask you guys about is I actually just started, uh, therapy again

for the first time in a while. And I started again because one, my suicide jar has just been right up to the brim. And that's what we were talking about in our first session, just suicidal thoughts and everything. And you know, when you tell a therapist about suicidal thoughts, you kind of expect them to come for you a little, just be like, no, no, no, it's okay. Like everybody has them or a lot of people have them, you know, like it's fine. You just got to work through them. Tell me why I told her and she said, no, no, it's okay, like, everybody has them, or a lot of people have them, you know, like, it's fine, you just gotta work through them, tell me why I told her, and she said, well, you can kill yourself if you want to, I said, come again, she's just like, well, if you wanna kill yourself, like, go ahead, like, I mean, like, it's not gonna affect you, it's just gonna affect everybody else in your life, and I was just like, so, you're giving me permission to kill myself she's like yeah maybe if you want to i don't know how i feel about that um so i guess my question is what's just like the most out-of-pocket shit that like a therapist or anybody else in your life has like caught you off guard like that with before i fucking love skylar and

this is exactly what i want to do video voicemails because him gone. I don't know about that. That's why it's better. That's why watching the podcast is better. That's why watching the video voicemails is better. I mean, that is a wild ass thing to say. It's not

wrong. It's not incorrect information. I think literally, legally she for me. I think literally legally she's not. I think you can. I was waiting for some reverse psychology plan that she had. I think it's a little bit calling your bluff.

Yeah. You are 19 and look at your fucking head of hair. You're not allowed to be depressed if you look like that. Get the fuck out of here. She's probably like, yeah, okay. You're going to do it? No, you're not. But also, don't do it, Skyler.

Let's just say, I'll be the therapist. Don't kill yourself. We're about to make a whole bunch of jokes. Let me just preface this. Start with don't, bro. You're awesome, dude. You're great. Don't kill yourself.

Zach wants to fuck you. Yeah. I might. I don't see. Zach wants to fuck you. I might. I don't see how this thing with Pat goes. If you want text messages, I might fuck you. But as far as the therapist saying it. It's like a doctor being like, because they are doctors, being like, hey, I mean, yeah, you can keep eating fucking cake or you can keep drinking if you want. You'll fucking die.

Right, right. Yeah, I mean, and I'm sure people, I mean, doctors do say that. If you keep on this path, you're going to die. Yeah, but that's like. But this is different than like, get ahead. Get ahead. That's like, here's a bottle. It's exactly the same.

I think, again, Skylar, to be clear, revert to the earlier message. But if you did it fucking at her house, God, that would be awesome. Oh, wouldn't it be great. Wouldn't it be great if that was like you left that behind too. Do it right on her step with that video. My suicide note says she told me to. Dr. So-and-so said it was okay. Oh, you think I won't?

You think I won't? No, I don't think you will. You think I won't? You just keep yelling. And by the way, I do want to You think I won't? No, I don't think you will. You think I won't? You just keep yelling. And by the way, I do want to clarify because I believe last episode I said you're not allowed to be depressed if you're a 19-year-old. I think you're allowed to be actual depressed when you're that age. You can't be like life depressed when you're that age. What's that mean?

I think if you have something chemically wrong, of course, but if you're like, when you don't have the life stresses yet, as long as you've lived a relatively normal life, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, no, no. You're not depressed because life's too hard. I think everyone's born depressed. It's just like a health meter. It's like NBA Jam on Turbo.

It just goes down. Then you've got to do some therapy, relax, and it builds back up. You just don't know it, but you're like, born you're born there's already a chick in the armor and then it's like this is gonna go down as life goes on diminishing returns on life but the i mean i kind of like a doctor who sound like a fucking trump voter i like someone who just tells it like it is shoot me straight doc she's like yeah you can do it she is right yeah no she's not like a fucking Trump voter. I like someone who just tells it like it is. Shoot me straight, doc. She's like, yeah, you can do it. She is right.

Yeah, no, she's definitely not wrong. There is always. I bet you there was some sort of reverse. There has to be something out of context there. There's no way he was like, so I've been feeling really depressed, and she's like, you should kill yourself. You think that? Dude, she's first therapy session.

Things aren't going good. End it, all right? Just fucking end it. It's a release of death, dude. She goes home every day and complains to her husband. She's like, I just can't keep a client. I was thinking, do you think that, like, I want a video voicemail on the other side being like, so I'm a therapist and I had a really off day today i had a really

piss poor performance i went over at the plate i think i had three people kill themselves they have bad days too i can never get a fourth date with my client they always kill themselves after day three when i encourage a suicide the woman i trust the most in my life told me to fucking hang myself in the basement. What am I even paying you for, lady? See you later. Their last purchase was a stud finder. All right, this one looks low and bare. Rope and a stud finder.

Let's go. So I'll be able to hold me up. You want to hold Deepo, get a hook, a stud finder, and a rope? You need any help with sentence upstairs? Nah, I got it. My therapist sent me a how-to list. Nick's not here, but I think we need five minutes. I think we're going to need five minutes.

You think so? I don't know if we can go right into an ad off that one, no. All right, play the audio voicemail, and then we'll play the video. It's that one. Oh, this is both? Yeah, it was the kids and I had just called and left it in. So Nick did that, and Jackie did those. I see, I see. I see. Sass, before we do our last voicemail, anything you want to plug or tell the people or anything you're working on or anything like that?

I have a question. What was the naming process for Son of a Boy Dad? What did that meeting go like? Rowan came up with it. Yeah. I thought that was going to be a quick answer. I actually, at first, it didn't click with me what it meant. Yeah.

I didn't click with me either. Like girl dad and all that. Yeah, no, it's like making fun of Kobe Bryant. Yeah, exactly. That always plays. Just ask Ari Shafir. That always works. No one knows though.

No, I get it. It's ruining Kobe's legacy. I got the joke right away. We're tarnishing a dead man. Yeah, no, it's's easy It's easy to understand 5 minutes Get in son of a bitch Alright what other question here

Is there anything That you want to like I don't know No just listen to Son of a Boy Dad podcast We're doing a live show In November in Boston The tickets will be on stage

Oh whereabouts Laugh Boston Nice Yeah So that'll be fun. So do you think you will do stand-up? There? No, no, no. Just in general.

When you were kind of like, I don't know if I'm going to do stand-up or live podcast. I just want to do live comedy. Oh, yeah. Do you think you're going to keep writing one-man routine type shit? Yeah, probably. Realistically. I would not. Not. Yeah, I know. I enjoy it.

Just give it a shot. You can still do the live podcast and whatever. You could do the House of Cir whatever the live you could do like the the house of circus shit house of yes oh that yeah you think you think sass could do that sass would be great at that what is it don't worry about it uh what do you think sass is what do you think sass's tricks would be uh just have a conversation about sass without him here and every time he tries to chime in i think sass would be um i think they would use him for his uh physique you think it's yeah i think it'd be a physical he's flexible

i think flexible i think i think he's very yeah like limber very uh pliable very pliable um sass can you touch your toes no i don't know i know. I could, I think. You think you could? Well, they'll make them. Don't worry. It's fine. Whether you can or not, you're going to. I'm pretty sure I can. Oh, my.

All right. Last voicemail. It's brought to you by Sezzle. So Sezzle is for the Barstool Sports Store. If anybody out there is looking to get new merch, whether they want to get the two-tone hoodies, the Sad Boys season stuff that's dropping, son of a boy type merch.

We got eyes on next Tuesday. Next Tuesday for Sad Boys season? It's just, it goes by the weather. I'm just looking at weather. So you think you'll have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday? I think Sunday, Monday, Tuesday might be the move. Okay. So we got coming up, I think we got,

so Sunday, low of 64. But in the morning. In the morning, 10 a.m. Yeah. Might be around 60. Monday, low of 63. And now they look at Tuesday, 68. So 10 a.m. is going to be.

Reset the clock. We'll see. It might be November. Yeah. What are you guys? What's going on here? Sad boy season does not start until three straight days below 60 degrees. At 10 a.m.

At 10 a.m. Yeah, I don't know if that's going to be. That'll be maybe late October. Honestly, we almost hit it two weeks ago. Well, no, we had one day. It goes down fast, though. It was where I was. Where I was, we had one day. Well, but it was – It goes down fast, though. It was where I was. Where I was, it was two days.

Right. And that would have been – That's what's funny is we're doing this bid, and it's really just for the Northeast. Everyone in California is like, just put the fucking merch out. It's never going to happen here, assholes. But when it does happen, you can use Sezzle, which is a way – It's a buy now, pay later solution, which most people in this world need it for everything,

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So whether it's with us or other stores, you can buy all this stuff now. No hidden fees, no credit check, no worry. It's buy now, pay later with no catch, no hooks. So go to the Barstool Sports Store now and shop with Sezzle. Last one. Shout out to Taylor. He's been a CCK caller for a long time. I know I can always count on him.

So it makes sense he's one of the first video voicemails. What do we got, T? No. KFC Fights. What's up? It's Taylor. A little late to this video voicemail format thing, but better late than never. So my question is, I've been listening for a long time.

You guys might have said this before, but you guys are getting older. You guys can't go out and get fucked up and drink all that stuff and do the regular college day stuff. If you could relive one day back in the day, those college moments like 21st birthday, or if you can relive one of those glory days, what day would it be? And I want to hear that story. I got a few, you know, my 21st birthday was insane.

And some of the days playing college baseball was a lot of fun. But what is that one day? If you can do it again, would you do it? And what is it? I love how he plugged his own handles in the bottom. Yeah, man. No, we said that. I'm like, listen, if you want to be, you know, you're trying to get your name out there and get exposure out there.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that was Nick. Yeah. But then also, like, I played college baseball and shit. It's like a quick little quick sick humble break. I bet he's going to have hockey. Yeah. I bet hockey is going to be a fight's choice break. I bet, I bet he's gonna have hockey. Yeah, I bet hockey's gonna be

a fight's choice. Me? Yeah. Oh, heavens no. Well, I mean, this is kind of,

it was in a different format when it was like, if you're about to die and you want to relive one day, you said play hockey. Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. So what was your answer, you fucking liar? No, but the question was about partying. He's about like college baseball parties.

Yeah, yeah, well, okay. The, but the question was about partying. He's about, like, college-age parties. Yeah, yeah, well, okay. The, um... This one's a hard one. Like, I don't know. This is...

You have an easy one? Well, I know the world's choice for you. What night they would want you to be late. Yeah. It was one of the most traumatic nights of my life, Kevin. It is what formed this fucking lump of clay in front of you now.

I'm not looking to redo it. I wish Sass relived your New Orleans. Sass, I won't be at home. What would you do if an old woman in New Orleans took a condom out and bit the bag part of the condom off,

spit it out, and then used the rubber ring as like a cock ring around you. I have no idea. Yeah, and her husband was watching the whole time. Yeah. Well, John cucked him while he cucked his wife in the ass. I was 19. I was younger than you. Crazy.

That's insane. Younger than Sasson, you basically got, like, you know, R-worded. No, that was a willing participant. It's just I regretted it. I R-worded it afterwards. Different R-word. Yeah. And today. It was right afterwards and still.

To this moment, yeah. 14 years. 14 years. Kind of sick I've been fucking for 14 years. Bro, I've been fucking for 20. My fucking dick game can almost get its fucking learner's permit. My dick game can almost drink. My dick game's as old as sass.

I've been fucking as long as sass has been breathing, bro. That's crazy. Yeah. You know what I realize? I could legally be a grandfather. Really? Yeah. You make a lot more wrong choices than you've made, but you could be.

You know, 18 and then 18. If I had a kid at 18 and then they had a kid at 18, I could be a legal 36-year-old grandfather. Yikes. That's crazy, right? Imagine if I was a grandpa right now. Yeah, Gilly's mad young, and he's a grandfather. It's crazy. Gilly's a grandfather?

Yeah. Grandpa Gilly. That is wild. My nights are – Sass is going to be like, I don't know, like last weekend? Yeah, I was thinking about that when he asked it. I was like, I don't know. No idea.

Do you even – at this age, do you even, like... I can't remember being 20 and being, like, nostalgic about another thing. No, definitely not. Yeah. Are you like, oh, man, I wish I was 16 again? It's like, no. No, not at all. Yeah.

Are you at your happiest right now, you think? I mean, I'm doing what... I fucking hated school, so... Yes, like... As long as I'm, like, I'm doing what I want to do. So that's good. Right, right. The... I don't have like one there but what sucks about this podcast is like most of mine you know like most of the stories i've told but i don't know what would you single

out as your number one it would be a pats party yeah yeah oh yeah patriots parade when the last time they won the super Bowl Was one of the Funnest moments of my life The only parade I ever did Was the Bruins In 2011 And that was Did I remember

Fuck you both I was I was in South Station Chugging warm Heinekens In the bathroom At 7am Like Drinking them

And like Like as I was Hiding in a stall Drink chugging them I was like i could just hear people taking shits and it was still so much fun oh yeah i mean my best sports moment and it might be this might be like the the day that the socks reverse swept the yankees that game seven was probably my funnest like sports for sports Like I don't, I don't have any other sports celebrations.

The fucking every, I mean, every year the Yankees lose. That's my celebration. And that was the greatest Yankee celebration. I think my, my, there was a particular Hoboken St. Patrick's day at when that was at its peak, because it was, it was like just about to get shut down like next year or two years later, they were like, we can't do this anymore.

So it was at its pinnacle. And there was one year where it was like 65 degrees sunny we were hosting the party we did bars we did houses we did it all and it was like started at 6 30 in the morning we all pretended we were like really irish you know what i mean it was like this yeah it was ridiculous but it was that was probably the best actual party day we had. Or a couple. There's a couple of Barstool parties, saloon days, a couple March Madness days where you're drinking from 12 to 12 watching the tournament. I think the walking into the Pats. It actually wasn't walking in.

It was walking out from the bar. I'd gotten a drink. This is one of the more fun... You know the Joe Burrow video that introduced the world to 4K? Where he does three cool things? It was... I was coming out of the bathroom and David Andrews was walking in.

He picked me up and gave me a hug. He was like, we did it, baby! I'm like, I didn't do fucking shit, but that's cool. I went to the bar and I saw Jimmy Garoppolo was like gave him a dab and i was ordering a drink and i got put in a headlock and i was like what the fuck is this and i shook it off and it was sean thornton and then i was like i gave him a dab i was like this is crazy what are you doing here you're on the florida panthers yeah in season i was gonna say

and then um and then I walked in. I think it was with Frankie or someone. And I walked onto the dance floor. And Pitbull was performing. And Frankie described it the best. Frankie always says, he shoots electricity out of his hand. And it was like Pitbull on stage. Like, dun, dun, dun.

And we started going bananas. Any night with Pitbull. It was. It was. It was going to be at and we started going bananas. And I was like – Any night with Pitbull. It was. It's got to be at the top of your list. It went from fucking – first of all, it started with John Legend, which I like John Legend, but that was wild. That's not the vibe. Yeah.

It went from like John Legend to someone to Pitbull to Lil Wayne, and it was just like – Oh, damn. That party was crazy. The one in – All right. All right. Enough. That's enough. I actually think my answer would be 18, summer of senior year going into college, underage drinking on North Avenue in New Rochelle.

It was a place called Scholars. Monday nights, it was $10 all you could drink. It was fucking insane, dude. And it was like summertime. They had a morgue in the back. It was nuts. It was absolutely nuts. And it was just like we the back it was nuts it was absolutely nuts and it was just like we knew we were going to college so like i don't know it was like we're

we're all this is our last hurrah and we knew we had everything set everyone was into school whatever and we just drank like all summer long at this at a bar that was at the time was like the funnest bar we've ever been to because it was we were like 17 18 yeah yeah uh but yeah take me back to those glory days when i was like younger than sass and fucking. There was a police station neck literally touching the bar. We were underage drinking since we were like 15 years old there. Driving, drinking, like everything. I don't know why they didn't stop it.

They were paid off. It was fucking. It was like, what's it called in the wire? New Amsterdam, whatever. No. Just Amsterdam where it's like there's just no rules. Like in this block, you can deal drugs, you can drink, whatever. That was North Avenue near Rochelle in like the early 2000s.

It was just fucking lawlessness. All right. So that's it. Well, we're going to get into now our interview with Rachel. One of our wilder interviews we've had. This interview. I mean, we watched porn. We just started watching porn.

I was like straight up ready to just leave and go have myself a session. But the girls wanted to join in. Jessica, I didn't realize Jessica was a lesbian until halfway through because all she talked about was watching straight porn. Yeah, yeah. For a gay girl, she loves that dick. Jessica Curson and Rachel Feinstein. Rachel came through a couple months ago and filled in for fights.

She is one of the funniest people I've ever met. She might be on my list, honestly, of acts right now. But this interview, we're watching porn. We're doing weird voices. We're talking about the filthiest of the filthy. And you can catch us on Sling TV if you're watching

on Sling. Barstool Sports has its own channel, 24-hour-a-day programming, all original content. You can catch the video, podcasts of KFC Radio, Son of a Boy Dad, all the other shows. It's all scheduled out throughout the week. If you've got Sling, you can watch that. If you don't have Sling and you're thinking about cutting the cord,

they're the way to go. You can get all live sports and live news along with that Barstool channel. And the best part is it's only $35 a month. And when you sign up now, the first month is only $10. Go to sling.com slash Barstool. Sign up now. Get that first month for just $10. Everything after that, $35.

And you can get all your Barstool content for free on your TV. I've been trying to tell people, switch it to watching at night instead of watching a TV show. Or if your teams are now eliminated, you can watch Barstool on your TV on the big screen at night. And it's a very different and much better way to consume your Barstool. So go to sling.com slash Barstool. $10 for your first month of live entertainment on Sling. Let's get into it.

It's Rachel and Jessica on KC Radio. Hold on, hold on. Mine has like a fortune. Oh, what does it say? A Russian fortune? It says get on the train. The first one I think is Spanish. The English one.

He's going to make it up. All my limbs are bound by the feeling of love. Todos los miembros son ocupados por el sentimiento del amor. Oh, that's a BDSM fortune. Yeah, man.

Why are you so tied up and suspended from the ceiling? Because I'm in love in the dungeon. I literally just had a flashback. Because I'm at the

San Francisco Community Center. What is it? I just had a flashback to a bondage porn I just watched. I swear on my life. Do tell.

Which one? We've probably seen it. There were women hanging from the ceiling in a... Oh, Jessica, there's a reason I was describing that very specific scenario. I swear to God. I saw it not three hours ago.

And you freshly watched with their little feet dangling? Me? No. Oh, you think they're dangling? No, they're close to their head. And the guys were just taking their heads and slamming into them. Yeah, it was hot. It's almost like they're hanging in a meat locker. I was dressing my...

Like chickens. I love that. Oh, my God. I'm out of my... Hi, everyone. Nice to meet you. I always say the recommended for you section of Pornhub or whatever site you like is the most...

You're looking at yourself in the mirror on that one. That's so true. Sometimes I get mad. I'm like, no, no. I have not earned that. Yes, that checks out. No, you know. Sometimes they get a little too far and then sometimes I'm like, oh, that's fucking right and that's a problem. I don't know how many women, like you don't have a recommended, I mean, I'm on that

thing often. But I'm like a man. I mean, I'm on that thing often, but I'm like a man. I mean, I'm more. I did have mine go off. My phone opened up in the nail salon and just started blasting porn that I've been watching on my phone. I remember that. That was years ago.

It was like a packed house. All of a sudden, and my nails are in the thing. And all of a sudden, this woman's just like, I am. But yeah, but pussy. I'm horrified. You're like, but pussy, but pussy, but yeah, Fuck you. Fuck you, pussy. I'm horrified. You're like, fuck you, pussy. Fuck you, pussy. Fuck you.

I am. And everybody just turned around. Like, nobody knew. And I just opened, like, ah, ah. And I still had to drive for, like, four more minutes. I remember when that happened. It was horrifying. She's using her nose.

She's kissing it. What the hell? She wouldn't stop. And I just still remember making eye contact with this old woman, just disgusted with me. And she's like, you're going to fuck it? Yeah, you're fucking it? Yeah, fuck it. Well, she's like, turn that thing down.

I'm trying to relax. What's wrong with you? Here, have a vanilla dream. Who's playing that nonsense? The Christshake. The other day we were talking about over by our desk that I had watched a porn that morning. A lot of my porn happens to go down in the morning, which is like either the greatest way to start your day or just like I'm fucked up. What do you want to say?

I know. I just woke up, just cracked my phone open. It's like, all right, let's see a woman suspended from midair. Like they use like a meat puppet. It's not okay that I watch that Because I'm a woman I don't watch it No it's more okay That you watch it

Really It's way more okay For you to watch it Than it is for a guy to watch it Yeah Okay I guess you're right Girls can kind of be like I don't know

I was like I was just interested in it Or I was exploring it Or thinking about it Where it's guys like I want to do that Yeah I would love to suspend you From the fucking ceiling Like a piece of meat And I don't even know How to tie a knot I was just interested in it or I was exploring it or thinking about it where it's guys like, I want to do that. Yeah.

I would love to suspend you from the fucking ceiling like a piece of meat. And I don't even know how to tie a knot. So it's dangerous. It's more proof of how truly rancid he is in his soul. Right. Yes. But so I was foul. I was watching a different kind of film and it was like popular porn stars.

And it was a regular. I just clicked it thinking like, all right, this is a regular porno. And it turns out it was like popular porn stars and it was a regular I just clicked it thinking like I this is a regular porno and it turns out it was a porn for the blind oh that was great Iorn stars aren't blind. Oh my god, the porn star. They were like, where's your dick? I'm gonna look for that right now. I'm gonna go type in the whore and her blind sister. See what we got there. The guy goes out

and he's like, listen, first he just fucks the bejesus out of this girl. And he's like, listen, just do me a favor. She says, do me a favor. She's like, gotta run to work by the way doesn't rinse herself just a true godless whore puts her hair in the bun and goes to rinse herself because they all they're all teachers they sure are and she's like listen uh just so you know like an afterthought you know and she's just been freshly demolished she goes just so you know i have an afterthought. She's just been freshly demolished. She thought away at the door.

She goes, just so you know, I have this blind sister here. If she needs any help in the kitchen, it's no problem. With the stove. Take it from here. And she comes out. And he just sits. He puts his ass on her face. In her anus.

Here's the skillet. And the sister comes walking into the kitchen It was so infuriatingly awful She's batting around like she hasn't been blind For the last 30 years Banging against the cover Really sell it Susan He puts her stick Like that she uses

And fucks her in the ass Her blind stick Whatever the thing that thing's called. I just figured out what you meant. The blind stick. He whacks her in the head. This one was strictly just like, it was a regularly filmed porn, but then someone was dubbed over it speaking, describing exactly what was happening in the porn.

Oh, that's amazing. At first I was like, this is weird. And then I heard the person say cock, and I was like, alright, I'll stick around. I'll see where she's going with this. What was she saying? Like, now he put his cock in her. Oh, I have to hear this. It was more descriptive.

It was like, and Mia's ready to take it up the ass. Alright, keep going. It would be great if it was. You got me hooked. Reel me in. You know what would turn me on is if it was in a children's voice. And now Mia's ready to take it in the ass. Oh, boy, it's going deep inside.

Here it goes. Deeper and deeper. He's plowing her ass now. She's enjoying it. This guy is on a list. Oh, it looks like it's hurting her. Aww. For a deaf person.

Oh, my stars What in the Oh dear Her pussy lips are shaking It sounds so robotic She should be like Her pussy lips Yeah

You gotta give me like Some book type shit Like a voiceover Her pussy lips are shaking Mia's ready to take it up Yeah Yeah, you gotta give me some book type shit. Like a voiceover. Can I get the pussy lips to shake? Mia's ready to take it up the ass. Let's do it in every voice, Rachel. A pussy.

An old Jewish grandmother. Mia's ready to take it up the asshole. She knew deep down she deserved to be punished. You guys keep going. Keep going. Mia had a lot of... Mia had too much meatloaf, so she has a little stomachache, but he's gonna plow her ass now. There he goes. Right

inside. Oh, man. Make sure to know that he'll ram that stomachache right out of a veg. He really will blow it out with his cock before services at 11. Oh, no. There's your little diary. Oh, God.

You two are deplorable. I love it. We're disgusting people. The two of us are disgusting human beings. When we're together. That's the thing. When you meet that person. Uh-oh, here comes a blind sister.

Looks like Cheryl deserves to be punished as well. Her eyes are going sideways. Maybe someone should fuck her eye socket. And then we'll go bargain shopping after that. We'll probably get fucked in the store, though. This train never ends. Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

My fucking face hurts. Have we started? Yeah, this is the show. Have we started? We didn't even introduce her. It's better that way. Yeah. Our thing is we never say your names or promote what you're promoting.

Let's go to a caller. No, but it does. It kind of is, in a way, a perfect promo because you guys have the new show together. And it's like there's so many podcasts now, so many shows and so many people are like pairing off or like let's combine our audiences and sometimes that works and shit, but when you have like chemistry or when you bring out the absolute worst of each other like you two do, there's something special there. When you find that person, you guys should be.

Yeah, I mean Rachel and I are both dirty Jews from. Exactly. Yeah, we both are. It's funny. Our mothers are both therapists. We started a comedy around the same time and we both, you know, do a lot of characters and voices. So we've always done stuff together. Like we used to make videos, you know, hidden camera shit.

There's videos online from like fucking 15 years ago of us doing stupid things on the street. And so we decided to make a prank album where we would just call businesses and like torture them during COVID because we were miserable. So we did it with my manager, Jim Serpico, and his company, Virtual Comedy Network. And he did it from home. And we made this prank album. And it was a fucking blast. I mean, doing it in COVID is just extra fucking evil, you sons of bitches. We were both losing our minds.

I mean, I feel like some people had a fun-loving time with us. Sometimes they would hang out after, because we had to call back to get permission. Sometimes we – and then we plugged the business. I feel like if I was working one of those jobs, I can imagine the type of places you're calling, I would love whatever the fuck working one of those jobs, I can imagine the type of places you're calling. I would love whatever the fuck you're doing to me rather than just like actually closing a deal or actually getting them to buy the fucking thing. I mean, we give them a story, too. Like, because we would call hotels and pretend like we left things there, you know, and like just the most ludicrous thing.

Yeah. It said 1978. It was a news day that I know for sure I left a half a cup of soup and a half a sandwich and they would stay on the phone you know certain characters they stay on the phone with you forever

because they're not going to hang up on an old woman or a kid so how long can we go I mean a man they're always like yeah they hang up like hey how you doing

we'll just hang up why don't you buy a new one with your extra 24%? Yeah. But it was so much fun for us, and we laughed so hard while we were doing them. I remember when the Jackass guys were first, when they were doing Can't Kill Yourself, he called a dog collar place and was talking about putting it on children. And like, would that kill them?

And at the end, the girl was like, sir well um like thank you and you have a great day because you've made my day like i love that if yeah if you're not a fucking weirdo like who cares about your actual job just have some fun with it whatever a lot of people did some people got part yeah did you guys ever did has there been like people getting angry Because I feel like First of all It's 2021 Right Yeah I know

I know it's 2020 But 2022 It's somewhere in between there But like I feel like people get mad At everything People are like They're just trying to do their jobs

Leave them alone Oh yeah This is the best part of their day Of course people are going to get mad I've worked I don't care I don't care. I don't care anymore. I used to care.

Everyone involved in this, including the person who's getting pranked, is having a hell of a fucking time. Why don't you just mind your own goddamn business? Well, that's the truth with everything now with stand-up. It's like I'll tell a joke, and the people that I'm talking to in the crowd are hysterically laughing. I do a ton of crowd work, so I put up crowd work videos all the time on TikTok. And the people in the crowd are dying laughing. I do a ton of crowd work. So I put up crowd work videos all the time on TikTok and, and the people in the crowd are dying laughing. And all the, the white people normally younger are the ones getting upset. And I'm like, you're getting upset. Meanwhile, they're fine. They're dying laughing. And you're the ones that are getting upset. It's hilarious to me. So I stopped caring. I don't care. I care if the people, you know, that I'm talking to might get upset.

I'll move on and do something else. But it's like there's people getting so offended now. And I really, a lot of it is about them and their own issues. Like I'll say to people now, go talk to a therapist because you have major issues with yourself. This has nothing to do with me or what I'm saying or who I'm talking to. This has to do with you and your own shit about who you are. It's really interesting. I could never ever imagine.

We're making another one now, so this isn't on the one we have out right now, but we called comedy clubs and complained about our... This is amazing. Complained about yourselves? Yes. A dead Jewish girl obviously needs attention. She probably didn't get fucked enough earlier on in her life.

I'm like, that fat Jew. I'm like, that doc. That fucking sinner. Eats pussy. Fucking sinner. I think those are my favorite ones. That is so fun to complain about ourselves. Because then you're really wrapped in it.

You say whatever the fuck you want. I was about to penetrate my date after. She literally legit legit cop-locked me. On account of her damn anger and the horse shit. I don't like that shit. I thought she was cleaning the stage at first. We can't tell clubs what they thought when we approached the stage that we were there to mop it and wipe it. We call and go off on female comics.

We're like, why'd you have to book those fucking female comics? They suck. That fucking Rachel fucking Juicy. She's fucking talking about marrying a fireman. Who the fuck cares? We came to see guys in leather blazers. What the fuck? I think those are my favorite.

What has their reaction been? Well, I'm sorry. Do you want free ticket? You know, they'll just say all kinds of shit. Sometimes they'll agree. They'll be like, yeah. We know, the firemen. We heard it.

We know. I think those are my favorite. Also, we called a Catholic store. A Catholic store? Like a Catholic store. A Catholic store? Like a Catholic book store. Like a Christian book store. And we called as parents. She was the mother and I was the father.

And we were worried that we were making our son gay. And I think that was probably one of our favorites. I was crying and laughing. Do you think because we keep serving him hot dogs that it's our fault? Because he keeps eating them whole. And I was like, and he dresses up in my clothing. And I prayed. I prayed on it.

I prayed on it. And I even put locks on all the drawers. But now I can't get dressed. And she's answering. She's like, I don't think it's the hot dogs. I understand. She's literally answering every question. And she's like, I just keep watching Sex and the City with me.

She actually said it might be Sex and the City. The answers are amazing. It's SpongeBob, but it could be Sex and the City. We got her to say that. I don't think it was SpongeBob, but it could be Sex and the City. How long does the average call last, you think? Summer long. I mean, the hotel one, we called as two old Jewish women that we were stuck.

We hid out there during the insurrection. This is, I think, these are my favorite from this past album. And we said we hid out there like when the Germans came and we had to hide with them. And we left some items in the lobby. And we wanted to know if you could retrieve them. We called a very, this was smart. We called a very fancy hotel because they're going to look. Yeah, this is how I think.

So I said, we have to call a very fancy place. And I was like, we left an oboe. And we listed, I'm not kidding. We were on the phone, I think for like a half an hour. We put it into two calls because we listed. She's like, call back to check on the items. Yeah. She's like, I had a fanny pack with a challah. There was a challah with a fanny pack.

And she goes, uh-huh. Like, she's writing everything down, not even questioning anything. And then Jessica goes, we were talking about the fanny pack. I know there was fish in it. I think it was a sturgeon. Do you serve that? And she's like, we do serve fish. But she's like, well, I think they probably served it.

We got her to say we would not serve the rancid fish inside your fanny pack, ma'am. She got her to keep repeating, I promise you we wouldn't have served that. I'm like, well, I would have served it. If I found fish, I would have served it. I mean, it was, and then Rachel was like, well, there was men running around with face paint and signs that said Democrats smush babies and kill babies. It was so funny. Smush babies. And then they put them, I tell you what, when they were running like that, I thought it was so funny. They switched babies.

And then they put them, I tell you what, when they were running like that, I thought it was a sale. I said, there must be some sort of sale bonanza the way they ran up those stairs in the Capitol.

I think, I think the old, the Jewish grandmother voice is far and away the fun. I think probably like the first time I ever heard it was like, John Stewart on the Daily Show 18, 20 years ago. Like someone did the impression. I ever heard it was like Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

18, 20 years ago. Like someone did the impression. I was like, that's fucking hilarious. And I've never heard someone do the Jewish grandmother where I didn't start laughing. It's funny. And everyone knows. I mean, anyone who's not like in Utah. I performed in Utah and tried to do a Jewish joke and they were like, oh boy.

That was, I think the only place. They didn't get it? No, they didn't get it. It was just like whoosh. They don't. Yeah, yeah. They don't fuck with that. That was, I think the only place. They didn't get it? No, they didn't get it. It was just like whoosh, right? They don't. Yeah, yeah, they don't fuck with that. Some people have literally never met a Jew. Like my brother's college roommate at Ithaca was,

I'm not kidding, thought the Jews had horns, was terrified that my brother was his roommate. Like just legit, just like up at night, couldn't sleep because he thought my brother's horns were growing. Yeah, this does happen. Yes, can you imagine just fearing my lovely brother just like 21 year old some other 21 20 years ago yeah the whole family prayed when they found out he was rooming with the jew and then they eventually became friends and i guess they had a beer and my brother said he just like broke it to me he's like dude i just want you to know

like you're cool i thought you had horns my brother was like what just like broke it to me. He's like, dude, I just want you to know, like, you're cool. I thought you had horns. My brother was like, what? He had no idea the guy was actively terrified of him. The first three months. He's like, I just want you to know, like, I thought you had them. But I check, like, a lot. And I know you're not there. I fall asleep.

I go through the scalp. In the South and in those places, they think we're all Orthodox or Hasidic. Yeah, they don't understand there's a difference. Even in, like, a lot of places upstate New York. So we're not. Like, we're all orthodox or hasidic yeah they don't understand like a lot of places upstate new york so we're not like we're not religious right well i mean we live by the culture or the tradition you know what i'm saying but we're not religious at all right and they think we're all that extreme orthodox we're both you're all having sex through a sheet no i know it's like and to them we're like godless we're Catholic definitely my last name is Feidelberg

I grew up I was raised Catholic and the when I I had two separate instances where people thought I was like a scary Jew

really one of them I was at Providence College which is a Catholic college I was at hockey camp there when I was

younger and kids hated me and they as they do when I fell asleep they would draw swastikas on pieces of paper and slide them under my door isn't that amazing and you're not even Jewish and I was so like I didn't even know Jewish people like there was one Jewish girl in my school growing up and I like I didn't even know what a swastika was so I would like wake up every morning

and be like they're littering in my room again. These weird doodles are bad. I would just pick them up, crunch them up, throw them out, go to practice. You are literally too stupid to hate crime. I bet the kids were like,

he is just unfazed by this. This is one hardcore dude. Jesus Christ. I had no idea. I feel like seven different... God, these guys keep getting me with just throwing nonsense at me. He believes in it so much.

He's like, you can't hurt me. When I first met him, so when we started Barstool, or when I joined Barstool, it was all, pretty much all Jewish guys. Yeah.

And I was the only, the only Gentile. And it was kind of weird because it was like the Boston guy was the Jewish guy and then the New York guy was like the Irish Catholic.

So there was like this like friendly rivalry joking around about it. And then he emailed me looking to get involved. And I was like, fine. Because we all used to use nicknames because we were saying the most fucking ridiculous shit. I was like, you can do it, but you've got to use your last name so that I can have the King Jew on my side now. Feidelberg.

And he was like, a rule my mother still regrets to this day. I shouldn't have made you do that. Seven years before anyone started using their real names, it was like, hey, I'm John Feidelberg. Fucking full government name. You're never getting another job ever again because as soon as you Google it, you're fucked. But he was like, I'll do it, but I'm not Jewish. And I was like, what? And then, I mean, as soon as you say that, it makes sense.

The German, that sounds German as well. But I was like, Feidelberg is not Jewish? Like, what? I mean, I'm with you, though. I mean, my name is a brow-beating of Jew-er. You are hostile.

It's abrasively Jewish. It is so heinous. If a guy calls you up and he's like, I want to hook you up with this girl, her name is Rachel Feinstein, you'd be like, point her out to me at the party. Let's not jump ahead. Yeah, you picture just like a dreidel with a dress on.

You should have had a stage name just to get laid. That is hilarious. Just tell people a fake name just to get laid. I mean, it's deeply haunting. I mean, the fact that it's not even the Steen, that it's the Stein. I find Steen is kind of whatever. But then you have to correct people and go,

no, it's Stein. Yeah, you have to correct them. And Rachel. You wrote like the Torah yourself. Mine doesn't even curse. It was Kersenbaum, but they had to change it. Yeah. I was always so jealous of your lessons.

The people who got Elf Island. The people who lost all their heritage and culture. Really lucky folks. I don't know why they didn't take off the stein, because we took off the balm. Yeah. It was some kind of self-harm. It's the same as cutting. I mean, that's why there's no,

none of those names are in porn. It's never like, Susan Weintraub gets punished. Because no one's interested in seeing that. That's hilarious. I want to see people running train on Susie Weintraub. But now I would. Now I'd be like, what? What does that mean?

Thanks. I'm glad I brought that curiosity. That lovely curiosity. There's a market for that. Actually, that would be hot. Yeah. Like a religious Jewish hot woman. I think that's a good thing for porn.

I feel like there's a significant amount of women in pornography who, if you knew their real name, they would be Jewish. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me see. Are you kidding? I'm actually surprised that Bella isn't Jewish. Bella has a Jewish girl.

Bella who? Bella Danger. But she's Hispanic. There's a lot of similarities. I loved Bella Donna. She was my favorite. Whoa! That's my favorite of all time.

Bella Donna is not my favorite porn star. She was my favorite. She was my favorite performer. That's my favorite of all time. Ella Donovan is not my favorite porn star. She was my favorite. She's my favorite, like, performer. That's me. My favorite, like... She's my favorite performer of all time. That's a girl I didn't even want to get off to. I just wanted to watch out of, like, oh, my God.

She's the hottest to me. Me too. Nacho. What is it that makes her so... She's so hardcore. It's disgusting. She's despicable. Rachel, I was just going to say that.

She's despicable. She's revolting. She's hot. She's despicable. I was just going to say that. She's despicable. She's revolting. She's hot. She's absolutely repugnant. Look-wise also, she's an ideal woman to me. She started the gap in the teeth. Yes, the whole thing is just... Now I see North Adonis and I get horny.

I'm like, oh my God. But you know who's very close with her is Jim Norton. So I know a lot. That makes perfect sense. She had a baby. Really? So she stopped. Yeah, but she runs her own.

This is wild. We're just like, yeah, you're talking about her personal life. I feel like the best ones are entrepreneurs. By the way, if you Google Belladonna, just fucking plants show up. Who knew that? Someone's got a safe search on. Yeah, right? What's going on there?

She has her own production company now though I heard that it's called Content Whore I believe oh my god she's stunning

yeah so someone told me about her and then I was like I was done she put like a redwood tree up her ass

it's crazy god bless her heart oh my lord I have not I did not see her when she was pregnant and that is oh my god

let me see are you ready yeah I mean holy shit she's pregnant pregnant I've never seen that you said after she was not pregnant she is like that like that kid remembers filming that scene her vagina looks like a tree this is you know what for rachel this is the best way to introduce someone to valedon are you ready for this the the bat well the bat, no. This might even be worse. The bat?

I mean, that is just absolutely. No, that's nice. The bat, yeah. Let me pull a little Belladonna for you. I mean, she would just treat a baseball bat like a regular-ass fucking sexual. There was one time I was a full Louisville slugger that was just always in her ass, just like that. That's a great picture. That's just art.

That is art. You don't want to hang that up? There was a time when I... That's in my grandmother's collection. Bella Donna, No Limits 11. That's in my grandmother's collection. I was driving home from Orlando once. I went to school in Florida.

And I was driving home from Orlando once. I went to school in Florida. And I was driving home from Orlando to Tallahassee. And I just saw a full Belladonna billboard. Really? A billboard? It was like she was clothed. She was stripping. No, it was promoting a porn store, a porn mega store. And I was like, I've got to pull over here.

I ended up buying like three porn DVDs. They're expensive, by the way. They're $40 a pop. Yeah, they get you by the ball. They say, like, listen, if you've pulled over on the side of the highway to buy this DVD, you're going to pay $100 for this. Of course, they have to pay for that billboard.

This is deplorable as well. The tighty-whities around the knees with the smile. I mean, it's just that to me, that picture is just hilarious. I know that video. I also love her tattoos. The tattoos.

She has beautiful tattoos. She has a nice touch here with the baby pacifier in her mouth. That's Nacho. That's her ex-husband. Nacho is the best name. I don't think I knew that she married Nacho. Nacho is so hot in porn. I didn't know that.

I have to tell you about him. He's hot if you're straight. Nacho is a – Nacho is like a king of porn. He's hot to me. I didn't know that. I have to tell you about him. He's hot if you're straight. Nacho is a... Nacho's like a king of porn. I did not know they were married. He's hot to me. It sounds like a UFC fighter or something. He's hot to me and I'm not straight.

No, Nacho's too much for me. No, he's hot with her. I don't like him with other women, but with her he was hot. I think with her he was hot because they were married. So I kind of like it was passionate. At this point, Kevin's just watching porn over here. I'm not just watching porn. I'm watching gay porn.

I didn't know Nacho did gay porn. Fully disassociated. He likes when women strap it on and do it to him. Who knew? Hey. I'll see you guys later. Why do I know so much about him? I'm like, Nacho's left-handed and allergic to milk.

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Left-handed and allergic to milk. I know she's going to pick up the phone. Nach, we're talking about you. Nachi! I don't like him with other women because he is like very into like young young young like I don't he's gross

but with her he's hot we used to have Asa Kier used to co-host a show with us years ago and I think we

like raised we're like Nacho's a little much and she's like no he's the best I couldn't give you what you want then

if you enjoy Nacho if you're into that though yeah don't even bother with me I know he's a huge I mean I couldn't give you what you want then. If you enjoy nachos. If you're into that, though, yeah, don't even bother with me. I know, he's a huge, I mean. Really? Yeah. I don't find that to be good. It's a hassle.

Yeah. I've always kind of thought that, too. Who needs that kind of hassle? It seems like it's a lot of work for you guys. And he just shoves it right. He doesn't care how terribly rude. He does not care if you want it or not. He doesn't knock on the door and kicks it in. No, he is like, I don't care if you want it or not.

You're taking it. And I'm shoving it in. Heavy rape undertones. If you've watched the Nacho scene, it's an accurate description. He told it and slams it in, balls and all. Balls and all.

Balls and all. I mean, it's what I do with a sandwich every night. But he does it with his dick and there's a lot of that. Which I like. I say it on stage all the time. I like when a woman looks like she's going to die from giving head. Because I have issues with my mother. Because she wasn't around.

So I like when a woman's like. Because it just. It's so powerful. When it looks like a woman's going to die. Why is that connected to motherhood? Because I'm angry. I'm angry at women. So I like when their head's over the bed.

It's just a disaster. And then there's an. That's crazy. I don't at women. Yeah. So I like, yeah. So I like when like their heads over the bed. Yeah. It's just a disaster. Yeah. And then there's, I don't know how. Have I told everyone I have four daughters? I just wanted to announce that at this moment that I have four precious daughters. I just want to, at this exact moment,

I think that was the perfect time. The perfect time to say that I just was with my two-year-old twins right before I came in here. So. That was a great time to just say that. There's a lot of them that are like short stories, like, but there's not a, you know what I mean? They're like, they used to do a magazine, magazines like that, where it would be like my friend's father. Yeah. We would,

I used to spend the night at my friend's house and her mom would get real drunk every night and just kind of like sway to Duran Duran. She was always wearing like a robe with no tie on it. There's something, there's such a sadness to a tireless robe. And she was like a code red alcoholic and in a certain night we knew when she tipped over to duran duran that we could go in there and look at her dad's porn you know because the dad had left long ago all they were not sticking around that shit long ago

carol was very much on her own so we went we went through the dad's drawer and we would look at his story. Rachel's the best storyteller. Well, it was a fun-loving end because we would open it up and there would be those storytelling style points. And we've missed that folklore in porn. We need to get back to where it originated. I know, there's no story.

It's just plowing now. But it usually always started with a woman in some sort of official post of some sort. It was always just like by day, Nancy was a district attorney with a lot of grit in her step. And then by night, she got piledrived by

Craig and her friend. She never succeeded in her career. I was always rooting for her. But I was like, that level of piledrive, she's going to miss a case. Who's going to be in court the next morning? She'll need some time. She'll need... She's going to be a little

late. She's going to need 15 to 20. And now it's just like, you don't even know what her day job is, and it's just a torso being anally fucking raped. I've said that before. I'm into erotica. I like just a nice parrot. That's why he's into the blind porn, because he just wants to hear. I'm into erotica. I like just a nice

That's why he's into the blind porn because he just wants to hear. By the way, this is when he sends to a bar when he's picking a girl up. Some guys like that angry stuff, babe. I just really like that. Personally, just me, I just like to see a woman respected. I have a deeper connection to that art.

To that art. Don't get me wrong. I want the description to be violent. I just don't want to be in word form. It's such an interesting marriage. You want a violent,

jarring description. A little bit of a story is nice. I read American Psycho. I didn't see the movie. Yes. Yeah, you are a book is better than a porn.

Brett Easton Ellis could just paint a scene. That's all I need. You're a book is better than the movie guy from porn. Yeah. But a movie with a porn. Ready to know. I could just paint a scene. That's all I need. You're a book is better than the movie guy from porn. Yeah. But a movie with a hot sex scene is hot. Yeah.

Like a nine and a half week. Like a movie. There's something better about having a. I think the trope is that like, you know, start watching it with your parents. But I don't even like watching them alone because first of all, there is still a little PTSD with the parents

like especially as someone who just like watched lived at home for three months whatever the quarantine was and like now I watch adult movies so sex happens in those sometimes and there's always just me and my whole family being like this is fucking weird but it's also

you're starting to tell a story that I know the ending sucks for. When you're doing a sex scene in a movie. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're telling a three-minute story, maybe even shorter. And I know the ending sucks. You know the sex is going to be bad?

I know I'm never going to see boobs. I know I'm never going to see you fuck. I'm like, this story, I already know this story sucks. Skip through it. Why is it? There's plenty of tittage in it. Nah, I mean, also titties. Am I four years old?

Show those to your grandmother. I don't care about your titties. There are children looking at tits right now when they go to kindergarten. They get off the bus at kindergarten. But you don't see, like, rimming. Yeah. That's the problem.

If we've gone too far with porn, you're not going to get the good shit in the movies. And it's always unrealistic. Why is this? For some reason, I just had a pop-up picture in my mind of somebody trying to get their money back after the theater.

And there was no rimming. And there were four of us. I went back for each. Now the kids, they paid a little less. I think their tickets were only $12. That was a make-up plan for everyone leaving Top Gun. They're like, the kids, they paid a little less. I think their tickets were only 12. That was a main complaint. Everyone leaving Top Gun. They're like, the mosquito net blocked all the fucking ass eating. I thought there'd be ass eating.

Do you think there will be one day? What? Like, they have gotten more realistic. So, like, 50 years, 100 years from now, will there be, like, simulated rimming going on? Of course. There already is. I'm sure. I'm sure there's. Well, we saw fucking what's her name?

Brian Wilson. Brian. Who's the NBC news anchor who got in trouble? Brian Williams' daughter. I forget her name now. Oh, yeah. That was ass eating in girls. That's right.

She got her buddy in girls. There was what? Yeah, there was ass eating in girls. You know, the HBO show. She was like. She ate ass? Yeah, there was ass eating on girls. You know, the HBO show. She was like... She ate ass? No, she got ass eating. So you had to start with the female. It was kind of like... Male to female. Right. Face was

in it, and he was just kind of like shaking her butt cheeks. But it was like, you know, implied that he was getting in there. So that's true. Yeah, if it was on Pornhub, I'd have left a negative comment, but on HBO, I thought it was pretty clear. Your standards are a little bit lower on regular TV. I feel like this guy eats ass like shit.

Can you slow it down? You're not even getting in there, you fucking pussy. Come on. This is a deplorable interview. This is horrible. Hi, kids. a deplorable interview. This is horrible. I don't know who's going to blame. Hi, kids.

I can't believe none of you guys have asked about the WD-40. We intentionally left that out. Let's just see what they say. Oh, I thought this was

always here. We've got a ball gag and executioner's mask there. Well, this I'm taking home. Those are always left there.

The WD-40 is new. What's this for? Well, you know, lubrication. Good. Bella Donna dropped it off Yes Yeah, we've got Then that's the executioner mask there

If you grab that I wore it That I wore for a For a commercial to sell sneakers You did? I wore that with a ball gag in my mouth This is just a little Oh my god Oh my god Are a little... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you turned on yet, girls? I got stuck out of it. It was disgusting. That is disgusting. This is just as hot as it gets. That is really... It's so confusing.

It's a supply and demand issue with that mask. Like, what exactly... That takes away everything handsome. I know. It's a supply and demand issue with that mask. Like, what exactly? That takes away everything handsome. I know. That's the point. Just use the mouth. Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, it's not really an executioner's mask. We keep saying that. It's the other way around. You're getting like this, right? So is that for a guy that just wants to go down like a real oral magician of sorts. I think it's more for you to just use this. Yeah, it's just the mouth. Just use the mouth. It's literally just to, yeah. It's to black out literally everything.

Black out the soul of the person whose mouth you're using. Oh, you're right. It's because you want every other aspect. Wouldn't it suck if the girl had a really annoying voice? Have you guys ever seen there's another what's the what's the porn where the guys

wear the scuba suits that's that is Tushy Raw I love how you finish each other's sentences I know Tushy Raw that was such a beautiful moment

Tushy Raw he's my person the way you two are filthy you know what it is it's like you guys are just colossal idiots when you're together

right and then that's that's the same thing here I just stayed together in LA it was just like I mean You know what it is? It's like you guys are just colossal idiots when you're together, right? And then that's the same thing here. I just stayed together in L.A. It was just like, I mean, yeah. Oh, yeah, do it. This is great, but she should have the horrible voice. Oh, my God, like seriously? Do you want me to blow you?

Oh, my God, I totally want to suck on your cock. Do you want to suck on it? Does it look good? I'm so turned on. So hot. That voice is haunting. Let's go to a caller. This is Tammy in Toledo, and she thinks Jesse has it.

There's another porn series called Tushy where I think this is so unbelievably toxic masculinity in a way that there can be no male presence except for the dick. So they have a completely black background and then the guy is wearing a scuba outfit over his head, like totally black, just the dick sticks out. So it just looks like a floating dick. So that there's no like, I don't want any male

in my porn, you know, I don't want to look at his butt. There's just a big strong cock floating there. That's fucking how I like my porn. I don't want to look at his butt. There's just a big, strong cock floating there. That's fucking how I like my porn. Nothing but the cock. I'm not gay, just a big, veiny dick. That's all I want to see. It's for men? No, it's fucking women.

It's straight porn. I don't know who it's intended for really, but it's just a girl in a dark room with a black dick floating around. That's for women. I floating around that's for women I guess that's for feminist women who hate men

don't worry this is a woman's big dick that's for women who hate black men but they don't buy like you'd think they had the money for special suits or special pants I don't know it just got a flap but they just buy regular under armor cold like it just got a flap. Right, right. But they just buy like regular Under Armour cold gear and just take a knife to it.

So it's just like super ripped open because, I don't know, as you're fucking in something that's cut open, it continues to open up. Oh my God. So by the end of it, it's just like, wait, was there a guy under there the whole time? What the hell is this? What'd you trick me into?

You see like sweatpants. Oh, right, so they end up victimized. So many twists and turns. This is really regular Harry Potter. So many new characters. Most of my foreplay happens after sex. Like I like to do like right after my... You do a postplay?

Yes. Like right after he comes, I'm always like, that's not the amount we agreed upon. It's always funny to me I didn't know this but firefighters a lot of them have second jobs and so

which is fucked up oh yeah I did know that I talk about this on stage but it is kind of it does have to do with this so a lot of them have second jobs a lot of them are DJs

I think it's funny to have the most respected job and the most respected job. Yeah, you're a hero or an absolute douchebag. Yeah, exactly. At the same exact time. We're waiting by a lot of them. Like, how many in your husband's firehouse are DJs?

Maybe three. There's a couple in the one house. There's always, yeah. That is a high number. That's a significant amount of DJs in one room. There's always, yeah, he's always like, Vinny can DJ everything we do. I'm like, he's always just offering Vinny as the everything we do. I'm like, he's always just offering Vinny as the DJ.

I'm like, we don't need Vinny. Speaking of supply and demand. Lollapalooza has less DJs under one roof than House 339. And his second job is he's a notary republic.

So I always act like that turns me on. I'm like, the firefighter thing doesn't really do it for me. The notary. So if we could like lean into the notary thing doesn't really do it for me. The notary. So if we could lean into the notary thing. And he

comes back from any notaries. He has a little backpack. And I'm like, what's in there? Is that your fat hard stamp? Did you punish Will in the library for needing her fucking will finalized? He needs to be punished. Sometimes he just walks out of the room.

What an absolute nightmare it is being married to you. I must be exhausted. But he's just like, I just want to have normal sex one fucking time. No voices. No fucking plots. No nothing. Just fuck.

Yeah, he has little tolerance for my nonsense. He's also always cleaning up. Like, he can't leave a mess. So he's usually, yeah, he's already up and out the door and I'm just rambling to myself at that point. You're just swaying to Duran Duran.

Because I always put his captain's hat on after. Like, I like to, like, I'm like, I'd like a salute, please. Respect the ranch. Full fucking respects, you know? But he's barely paying attention. He's always cleaning something. Just wiping stuff.

That's to shut out that's when you start reorganizing things when someone's saying stuff you don't want to hear this goes here and this goes there I'm just getting ready to end this conversation because I ordered a Catholic schoolgirl outfit because I thought I was like what does a repressed Catholic guy want to see

I don't know but he's so anal neat and I accidentally ordered I was a little drunk so I accidentally ordered a dozen Catholic schoolgirl outfits off Amazon. And I never received an option. Why is that even an option? The police delivered those. We intercepted this package. You want to explain this fucking shit?

Can we look around your basement, please? Any locked away closets? A dozen children in there? You have a dozen children in there? You have a small kindergarten class in your attic? It is truly alarming. That's like something they would have found on,

you're right, on forensic files. There would be somebody walking out with gloves just like, we found it. There's 12. And everybody would be like,

oh God, what a pig. What a pig. Thank God she's dead. The everybody's like, oh, God, what a pig. What a pig. Thank God she's dead. The cops run by. Your husband started fighting them. F-D-N-Y. Fuck the NYPD. But I went.

So I was going to bring him on the honeymoon. But he's always cleaning and asking me what I need something for. Like, he just wants, you know, he always wants to throw things out. So he's like, what is this? What is this crap? What is this here? And I'm like, it's a fucking Catholic school problem. All right.

I was going to surprise you. He's like, did you bring the What is this crap? What is this here? And I'm like, it's a fucking Catholic school, but all right, I was going to surprise you. He's like, did you bring the whole school? It's a fair follow-up question. I was trying to hide him. Because I can never return something. I'm the only Jew that doesn't return things. Because she can't figure out how to do it. No, that's half the reason I married him.

He can fill out a form and just mail it. He fills out all the forms. Can I marry him? Can we share him? I know. Are you guys married? No. But I'm divorced, so I had my form filler out.

Oh, yeah. I don't RSVP to anything. Anything that needs to be responded in paper. I don't do anything. My wife does everything. I'm the man. They'll have sunblock at the beach. I'm literally the same way.

And they will fill out forms. I wouldn't be able to do anything. I mean, I tell people, I'm like, I will tell you I'm coming to your wedding, but you will not receive that card. It's not happening. There's a greater chance that I would kill my entire family and then shoot myself than that I would mail in that card. Never. Never. It is nuts that we have not, specifically with

weddings, switched over to the fact that we still do paper goddamn invitations. It's archaic and hostile. I agree totally. The buck stops here. Start with the date and then you get the invitation which is like 40 pieces long. There's like this for the brunch and this for the cocktail

and this for the cocktail. Put this back in. Fucking no. How about no, man? How about I just say yes or no to you? Yeah. I relate to men in so many different ways. I really do. I mean, I just.

Well, yeah, you dropped Bella Donna. So, yeah. I would say so. I mean, my wife just knows she has to like really be hot and just stay thin. She can't get fat. Especially because my career is exploding. She needs to get that good. Hey, listen.

There's going to be a lot of... I mean, fresh off Rogan. That's awesome, right? I'm like, you know, there's going to be a lot of pictures, a lot of Getty pictures. So I make her run every day. Eat vegetables.

You better start juicing. She looks great, right? I mean, she's hot. Every time I go over there, she weighs her. There's always... She's always being weighed. Why don't She looks great, right? I mean, she's hot. Every time I go over there, she weighs her. There's always... She's always being weighed. Why don't you show her, babe?

Step up on the scale. And Jessica runs a tight ship because if those boundaries aren't there, she's going to go over them. She always explains that to me. Well, she doesn't go to therapy or anything. She goes running when she's pissed, so I start fights with her every day. Get out there, babe. Run an extra couple for me. It's true.

She's like, I'm going running. I'm like, yes. I didn't write you one. But both of our spouses, they really run a tight ship, and they're like the adults. And obviously, I can barely impersonate an adult. I mean, when I say the little speech you say to the babysitter before you leave, they dismiss me.

I'm like, and so her things are – because I am doing an impersonation of an adult, and they can tell. They sniff it. I'm like, so her bottles are here. I say things like the mom would need to say. I'm like, so that's a bottle, and then – You put the milk into that, and that's how they drink it. That's a bottle, and then... You put the milk into that, and that's how they drink it.

That's a bottle of milk. They really don't even look at me. They're like, can you hurry on up? Yesterday, Danielle totally said something. She's like, I mean, you know, the other kids. I'm like, I'm not a kid. By mistake, she said that, yeah. I'm like, I'm not a kid.

I like how we're all telling the audience exactly what they already knew. We're like, four adults doing a podcast. None of us are actually adults. We had a fucking pretty good idea. Yeah, he knows. Jessica drove me back home from the cellar the other night, and I have gone to the comedy cellar probably five times a week in the last three years.

I live in the same spot. And I've driven her home a million times. Couldn't remember how to get there. We got lost going to her house in Brooklyn. It's one exit off the Williamsburg Bridge. We drove all the way to Queens. What? We were laughing so hard. We couldn't breathe.

Well, that's different. No, but I have a problem with things like that. I can't even... And cars. I can't find cars in parking lots problem with things like that. I can't even – and cars. I can't find cars in parking lots. I'm car dumb. I don't know. I don't – she's calm. She's called a car dumb.

Okay, fine. We can call it a baseline dumb. It's fair enough. But when my husband was searching for a car, he kept playing these videos about it every night and discussing the purchase. I was violently bored. I was like, I can't watch videos of cars on terrain anymore. It's so aggressively boring. And now, I swear to God, I don't know what kind of car we have.

I'm driving it all. She's not lying. She probably doesn't know what kind of car she has. What kind of car do you have? I swear she's not kidding. What color car do you have? No, Jessica knows me. I don't know.

It's bluish. I know that she has a blue car. You can't even give me that. The big one, like Ford or, you know, like. You saw it. We've driven it to your house. You can't even give me that? I don't.

She can. Let's go to a caller again. Sorry, I'm going to keep saying that. We better just ask Tammy from Des Moines. My mom, who's the adult in my family's relationship, she one time got, not in an argument, but in a disagreement with the auto body shop for the car she'd had for three years.

They brought it out, and she was like, this isn't my car. She said, this car is green. I'm like, no, this is the car. She's like, no, I have a silver car. And they're like, this is the car you gave us. I don't know. We're a small-time shop.

There aren't any other carports here. This car is the only one here. She's like, I don't know what to're a small time shop. There aren't any other carports here. This car is the only one here. She's like, I don't know what to tell you. That's just not my car. That's something my mother would do. That's why I'm laughing. My dad would go down and be like, no, that's the car. He works in it, right?

Polly, get in the car. That makes perfect sense to me. As we were going home, we were like, Jessica was like, can you imagine if Danielle and Pete were just watching us in a scream right now? Because we were crying because we were lost. Like for an hour. Laughing. Just crying, laughing.

Just at how completely dumb we were. Like laughing. But my cousin's family also, these things are very important to them. Like they discuss purchases. Like, you know, they talk about, like I come from like, you know, oversharing juice. Like all we talk about is just like weird. Like every time I'm alone with my mother, she tells me something I never wanted to know. She'd just be like, fine, there was a year when I considered

leaving your family. I don't want to know that. But his family, they talk about purchases and cause. That's the stuff that's everything. How'd you get off? Got 5,000 bucks off. That's how I got off today. Where are you guys from?

FDY t-shirts tucked into FDY sweatpants. You guys actually look, both of you look like firefighters, especially with your mustache. I love your mustache. You all look like you could be it. You got a firefighter vibe to you right now for sure. Because of the red mustache? Yeah, pretty much. Facial hair in the color red.

Firefighter. Can you mechanic and stuff? I just use that as a verb. I would use it as a verb, too. No. Yeah, no, we are. I don't know what it is. We are not the guys to do that.

I call fucking task rabbits that come hanging up pictures that weigh like 12 pounds. I could just fucking put one of the hooks in the wall, and then I could hammer it in with a key, the kind of hook I need to hold up that picture. I'm like, someone's got to come. I'll pay someone 100100 to do this. My dad is like, was really great at that shit. He was good with that stuff? He was like, he built us like a fucking tree house

that was like a borderline real house and like decks and stairs and all this shit. And I mean, I kind of remember like him starting to teach me and then he'd always be like, just give me the fuck, I'll just do it myself. That's how my father was. Like, it's your fault, it's your fault. You could have taught me, but I was so bad at it, you would be like the fuck let's do it myself that's how my it's your fault it's your fault you could have taught me but i was so bad at it you

would be like i'll just do it myself get the fuck out of here but yeah i mean i'm pretty sure we're considered like a complete me and my brother are just total failures in my father's eyes none of i mean they would they my mom and my dad they would like they were the type they would they throughout their lives they would buy like a shitty apartment and dress it up and fix it and then flip it. And, like, they did that with every house we've ever had. And I'm like, I need this shit to be $100,000 over asking price so that it's fucking perfect and I don't have to do anything to it. I mean, I am the least.

Yeah, like, my dad can barely operate a fuse box. And, like, he'll tell you about his sinus infection, but he can't change a tire. But he has a lifelong, never ending sinus infection. And guys used to call my house, ask to speak to me like a guy at a crush on high school. I'm not kidding. I would get on the phone with the guy and he'd be like, yeah, your dad's sinus infection sounds pretty bad. I'm like, Dad, can you stop telling people the details of it? Like how truly foul.

No one needs to know about how he finds time sinus infection. That'll lay a man out. But he, my husband, when he went to, his family is just, they speak a whole different language. Like, the fathers are protective over the daughters in a certain way that's not in Jewish culture. You know, like, so he wanted to ask my dad permission to marry me. And I was like, it's not like a thing. Like, my dad wouldn't care, you know. See, my dad would to marry me. And I was like, it's not a good thing. My dad wouldn't care. See, my dad would.

He would? Really? Very traditional. I did it, but it was a formality. I don't think anybody's... Is anybody really actually getting permission these days, you think? I think so. I think people still do that. Like if someone drops a no, it's like, oh, never mind.

I think they still do it, but I think some people still do it. People do it as a tradition, but are they really doing it? In certain countries, I think. I think here still do it, but I think some people still do it. Like, people do it as a tradition, but are they really doing it? In certain countries, I think, they're like, you know. But I think here still people do it. But, I mean, he was like, I thought it was sweet that he wanted to. He was like, I'm going to drive down to Maryland. I want to ask your dad in person. Because we'd already talked about, like, getting married before.

But then he mentioned that he was going to get the iPhone tax-free along the way. I'm like, he did not have to bring up that part. He's like, no, I want to. Plus, you know, the iPhone will be tax-free in Delaware, so I'll. I'm like, you did not have to bring up that part. He's like, no, I want to. Plus, the iPhone will be tax-free in Delaware. I'm like, no, why would you ever? My dad was amazing. He didn't care.

My father was like a huge Trump guy, very conservative. He didn't care that I was marrying a woman. He cared that she wasn't Jewish. Isn't that amazing? Wow. Really? Yeah. He was very cool. Then they called me and they were like do you mind just not serving pork and shellfish at the wedding this is incredible because they're because they were going to have religious like some

religious couples come and i was like that's what you're concerned i'm eating but he really was more upset That my wife He's like She's gorgeous She has a master's degree She's smart She's amazing But she's not Jewish

And you know It was hilarious He didn't care That she was Like I'd save all my bigotry For that Right Isn't that funny

Yeah So interesting My family's like Aggressively liberal So my mom would have preferred If I married a Nigerian lesbian. Yeah, you were telling me that last time.

I couldn't believe it, yeah. The hard thing, though, when doing the wedding was that there was nobody to take control. I needed some twat in my family that had opinions. You did. My sister helped with her. Yes, with Frankie's birthday, because I don't know how to do stuff.

I'm just like, should we get Jaeger? You have to go to these meetings with these we get Jaeger? And, like, you have to go to these meetings with these wedding, Jaeger and dominoes? Yeah. You have to go to these meetings with these, like,

wedding twat ladies and they would be like, what's your color story? And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck. If you're not into that, I feel bad for women who are not,

like, the traditional, stereotypical, because there's a lot of the fucking imitations and the centerpieces and the color schemes. It's like,

I don't fucking know. I mean, and honestly, with the world now, who the fuck cares? I went to my sister's wedding last weekend. Yeah,

maybe two weekends. No, last weekend. I couldn't tell you anything. I couldn't tell you what color. You do all that shit. You spend so much money and then people are like,

oh, it's unbelievable. Yeah, the fucking flowers in the middle. I couldn't tell you oh, the... It's unbelievable. Yeah, the fucking flowers in the middle. I couldn't tell you what color the tablecloths were. Was there a theme?

Was there... You know, it's like... And so many women have the most incredible... To me, I say band, booze... The food. The food. Food I even think is like...

If you want like a party wedding to me, it's like just have... The band is the best. Open bar and good music. Yeah. And that's gonna be a good party. Yeah. And that's going to be a good party. Yeah. And then food third.

And the rest, fuck it. And it was funny because people on his side of the family, they were worried about, like, you know, like, she'd be like, it needs to say Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Finnerty. I'm like, you understand that, like, comics are just going to be complete animals. Like, Schumer got up and she was like, she was my bridesmaid, and she got up and she was just like, when Rachel first met Pete I just thought maybe this fireman will finger

fuck her or something. Do you understand what's about to happen? The comics were such animals and they're worried about Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Finnerty or some shit. Amy Schumer gave the speech? Yeah. Colin Quinn and Tom Papa did the service,

so it was just like, it was just like a bunch of firemen and comedians and just kind of like, it was a complete That sounds fucking awesome. Like,

why even bother planning any of that shit? Yeah. It's like, this is all gonna be torn to pieces. It was funny. Is your husband

like, into comedy? Yeah, I mean, he'll like, he's not like, I was telling Jess that he'll lay in bed and like watch college humor and then be like yeah that was funny that's how it's done

my special came out this morning like yeah yeah like he won't because i mean it's almost like being an athlete and not watching a sport really he likes it but like he likes this movie about um where the Rock spends time with a niece or something. And that makes me think that... Walk hard? Yeah, it's like... Walk tall?

What is it called? It's like... Bite your tongue, bitch. And he'll laugh in a way I've never heard him laugh at me. He'll be like, but he's so big and she's so little.

I mean, come on. You don't laugh. I know. I actually, I've never seen this movie. I know the movie you're talking about. I do too. It's a meme where like, he turns around, he's got big eyes.

Yeah. He's in a car. I know the meme. I know what you're talking about. I know the movie too, but I. It's true comedy. It's the peak of comedy. My wife does not watch comedy.

Really? Really. She's no interest. Do you think it's because you give her so much comedy on a daily basis? I'd rather her not be into it than be really into it. If I had a choice, I'd rather have no interest. I feel like it's kind of like that here. One of these spouses who's obsessed with it.

There's girls who are really into Barstool, and it's almost like I'd rather you not know it at all. It makes you feel like they're not attracted to you. She's much more into family and the kids, and that's all she cares about. And that's how he is, too. He cares way more about a refrigerator brand or something. I think it's just like, I want a break.

Or crypto. Yeah, yeah. And crypto. You come home, and it's like you're talking about my office gossip to me that I don't even know about. That it's like, oh, I don't want to talk about this. I'm like, honey, I just got the Tonight Show again. And she's like, great, Madison ate carrots. Are these on the same level to you? this. I'm like, honey, I just got the Tonight Show again, and she's like, great, Madison ate carrots. Are these on the same

level to you? Amazing. Spectacular. That's great stuff. Yeah, like when I'm... I remember him coming to LA when he went and I was like shooting something. Did she really say that? Yeah, she said something just like that. And I was just trying not to make eye contact with my mother-in-law.

I don't think she understood everything. Finger fuck she didn't understand? You make eye contact with my mother-in-law. But I don't think she understood everything. Finger fuck? She didn't understand? You should have mouthed your mother-in-law. I was wondering if he was going to finger blast. I think he was going

to finger blast something on a hill. Oh, she needed it up then. That's okay. Finger blast. That sounds like a fun thing. I don't know. Sounds like a candy

you strap on your finger and suck it. Yeah, yeah. It's a finger blast. It's like a move like the gun in the fucking movie. The finger blast. It's an astronaut. Yeah, it's a shit show, but it was really fun.

Did you do any religious stuff at your wedding? Either way? I smashed like a Guinness glass. Oh, a little hybrid? I was going to say you made to fight a few firefighters. What are you doing? St. James, come on. And you smashed the glass?

We both did, I think. Yeah, I think we did too. I mean, we make everything up. That's a Jewish custom to smash the glass. So the man's supposed to do it. Like, we both smashed it. It's so funny.

We made up everything. Actually, when he proposed, I, like, grabbed the ring out. I was like, I realized what a true pig move that was. And he realized it. Give me that.

He had the box open and, like, a true pig. I'm like, I'll take that. pig move that was. And he didn't realize it. Give me that. He had the box open and like a true pig. I'm like, I'll take that for later. Like I plopped it out before he even said his piece. I didn't even occur to me that you weren't supposed

Will you shut the fuck up? Yeah. I'm like, I'll take this. Shit, it's big, honey. Ugh, disgusting. What, did you get a,

does, how does that work? Do you get a ring? You both get a ring? No, it's a good question so I'm like more of the guy in the relationship so I propose to her

like it's just something we don't talk about but we just literally it's like a known thing even though we're both like feminine I can't explain it just like something

that we just both know so it's not even discussed right so I brought her a diamond and then I proposed and then I proposed. And then – Where were you?

It was like even in the – like the wedding shower. It's so funny. Everyone just knew like it was about her. She's the bride. No one even discussed it. It was crazy. Really? Did you take offense to that at all?

No. No. I wouldn't take actual offense but I'd be like, I'll take a little attention. Excuse me? I'm not offended by all this, but attention, please. I did get a little attention, meaning they made her a hat from all the bows and stuff, and they made me a bow tie at the party. You know, it's just like, it's interesting how everyone just knew.

Just fell into it, yeah. Did you know what you were going to do? How did you propose? I don't think you ever told me that. Oh, I paid, you know, Fiverr, that company that you can pay someone like in India to do a video. Yep. I had an Indian boy jump into, I did make out a video of an Indian boy jumping into a dirty lake. Amazing.

Yeah. Wait, that's it? No. It was getting finito. He went down and he picked up a huge sign and it said, will you marry me, Danielle? And he went, will you marry me, Danielle? Stop. Stop.

Wait. Is there some sort of Indian boy joke in your relationship? No. I just got paid for this random boy to, I swear, he dove in a dirty water. She cried laughing. I put roses all over the stairs. She walked in from work and she was like, what is going on? And then I got on a knee and just gave her.

She was dying. I put a laptop in front of her. That is my favorite. And some Indian, he barely spoke English. He was like, will you marry me? He dove and he tried to find it and he came back up and he couldn't find it. And then he dove down and had mud all over him. A great five bucks.

For him, that was $500. That is the best pound for your penny. And I brought her a rock. Yeah, I brought her a beautiful one from the garment. You know what I've heard recently? I was saying

if I could do it all over again, I would get just the biggest possible and fuck all the clarity and the cut and all that shit. I did get her a big one, right? I didn't worry about the – Because size is really what matters. And I said – And then the diamond bands.

Yeah, it looks – yeah, I agree. But I had said like – because, you know, no one's going to get out their fucking thing. Yeah, exactly. And it's not like you have the papers to show, right? And the girl I was talking to here said that girls these days are keeping, like, on their phone their, like, GIA graded thing and they're, like, showing people, like, no, this is actually, like, high quality. Like, this clarity.

You know what? I'm so grateful I'm not like that. What a waste of a life. Because it's like, you know, someone's like, look how big that is. The meanest thing you can say about someone but so necessary there. What a waste of a life you are. Because I just never cared about any of that. I just don't care.

I mean, I'm glad I don't have a lot of pressure to live like that. Sometimes I'll overhear a sentence and just you can already tell just how pointless it is. You just be at a bus and I'll hear somebody. So I guess for me, what I realized when I was imagining my day

and you're just like, oh, you're a pointless hole. Like, it's not. But I don't even. A pointless hole. And that's not coming from a place of judgment, guys. No, but it's interesting that voice. It's going to know us. Well, sometimes.

From that, too. And sometimes it's the voice. It's not even, like, you hear a voice, and you already know, like, this person's life is about those collection of things. And I realize, and I want to say for the record, I know that I am a wild moron. I'm taking up space that somebody else needs. I'm very much aware that my time has already been up. Yeah, but that voice, though, is like, it's like the Charlie Brown, like, waka, waka, waka.

All you need to hear is that sound. It's all about what you have. It's a lot of pressure. It's like another job. I just never, I grew up around that. It's all about, like, oh, another job i just never i grew up around that what you it's all about like oh my god like you have it's south orange new jersey right by livingston short hills that's my dad lives in big money yeah it's all so it's all pressure it's like they're so everyone has to have what everyone else has and bigger and better if someone gets a car you have to get the

same car or a better car. It's like, it's a job. And I just never cared. And you never end up enjoying what you do have. No. Because you always have to. You're pretty rich,

but you're not super rich. No, you never have enough. So you never get to enjoy that. And it's like, I grew up around, I grew up in country clubs my whole life. So it's just amazing.

Wow, I would not. You did a good job then of like disassociating from it. I did. Because I would never have guessed that from like your comedy and the way you carry yourself and all that. Do you think that there's kind of crossbreeding? I guess if you look at that in the comedy world, or not even the comedy world, the entertainment world.

Yeah. What are their downloads? What are their ticket sales? I don't fucking know, man. I'm doing all right. So who gives a shit? It's so hard. I can't stand it.

I get caught up more in that than he does where it's just like, well, we got to like – It's so hard. If you had told me we were going to be here, I'd be like, that's it. We fully succeeded. We're good. You know what I mean? But it's always like more and more, next, next, next. It's very hard.

I was saying to you I think the other day. I say it all the time. Like if I look back at my career, I've done amazing things. Crazy. Amazing. Like my children say my mother did the Tonight Show three times. My mother performed in stadiums. But I didn't do as much

as Nicky or Amy or this one or I didn't do this and I never did that. It's like we're always like it's like it's never ending what you're reaching for. But if you really break it down look what you're doing. Look at the things you've done in your life. Look at the things, Rachel,

you've done. Rachel's done amazing things. We have to give ourselves credit for the things we've done. I do feel like the biggest thing in the last few years, because I read every comment and I drive myself insane. Oh, I don't read anything anymore. I know you're not supposed to, but I can. I can.

I'll stop. I can't do it. I do. No, I know. I shouldn't. He's one of the only people I believe. There are things that people have said about me in the message board. I believe it about you too now. Yeah. What's that? Most people say like, I don't read the comments. And I'm like, yes, you fucking do.

But I've always believed it about him. And I'm getting the vibe that I believe it from her too. And I'm much happier now. That's the thing. Because I have to say this ad nauseum. I say it too much now. But like, it's not because I think I'm like, it will affect. It will hurt.

No, I'm not okay. I'm not okay will hurt me. No, I'm not okay. I'm not okay when I read this stuff. I'm not okay. Because sometimes they're so fucking weird. There's some truth. It's like, how did you know that's the exact thing that's going to tear me down?

Right. There's things people have said, this guy, Mr. Twatwaffles, that writes about me a lot, that I think we talked about him and he said I had a man voice like seven years ago

in a comment section. He's like, he brought in brand new insecurity to my life. That's all I hear now. And I'm like, fuck, Twatwaffles was right.

I do have a man voice. And sometimes they're very much correct. And it's not helpful. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Those are the only times. Now I'm going to have to go on living with the man voice. Sometimes they just take a knife and they just sink right to the fucking heart.

I'm like, oh, I didn't even know that. Now it's going to cripple me forever. It's horrible. Do you have anyone else? Do you social? Yeah. Now I do. I want to look at my comments. I want to give other people my passwords. Do you have anyone else? Do you have a social? Yeah. Now I do.

I don't even look at my comments. I want to give other people my passwords. I would like to repost things on Instagram and stuff like that. And I've tried to kind of go into it a little bit now. And I'm like, how am I feeling? It's terrible. I saw one thing. I'm like, well, fuck it. My Sunday's over now.

I don't read YouTube. And I've never been on Reddit. There's things I will not go on. I don't read. Six or seven years ago, I did Reddit. And I had to. That was fucking. I don't. I've not been on Reddit There's things I will not go on I don't read Six or seven years ago I did Reddit And I had to That was fucking I don't

I've not read it Reddit I had to make A concerted effort To cut it out Where I was like This is negatively Impacting your career And your life

Like you're not gonna get Where you wanna go If you spend your time on this That actually made it easier I worried about Rogan I have to be honest with you Really When he asked me

I was like Oh my god I may get really Attacked for this And I said Fuck it I like him a lot He's very good to be honest with you. Really? When he asked me, I was like, oh, my God, I may get really attacked for this. And I said, fuck it. I like him a lot. He's very good to me. What were you attacked for?

Because there's a ton of people who, you know, are anti-vax shit. I'm like, Jessica, what are you doing? This is nuts. Like, of course you're going to do it. This is crazy. I mean, plus he's great to me and he's a nice guy. And I was like, just don't go into all the common shit. Don't react.

And I didn't. I didn't. I feel like you're in that comics comic area, too, or so many other comics in the industry. You destroy in a way that you've never seen anybody kill. People are like, it's very hard to follow. Right, right. And she turns around and talks to the stage.

I mean, she turns around with her back to the stage and does her inner monologue about what the audience is really thinking. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but nothing makes me laugh more. Like, she'll be in the middle of a joke and turn around and be like, you know you're going to go home and fuck your throat with a sleeve of Oreo. The guy in the front is not your dad. He's not your dad. But there's nobody I have more fun watching than Jessica on stage because whatever's happening in the room she'll immediately acknowledge in a way that's like so fearless and hysterical and

people yeah everybody everybody is like obsessed with why when she watches we watch on the screen because once we we look on the screen upstairs at the comedy cellar to see if she's turning around and your back's to us and then we're like yes let's go but it's that kind of shit that makes me laugh so much. And I think that's why doing this was really fun with Jessica because it brought me back to that stuff that made me laugh when I was a kid. There's something timeless about it. Yeah, pranking and just being like, I do feel like we knew each other.

It seems like we would have been at the same sleepaway camp, just laughing and being. You guys would totally have been the girls, like, my camp friends, my camp friends. You Jews and your camp friends. And I laugh, I die laughing at her, too. I mean, we did this whole thing

in L.A. We just got home two days ago. But the whole time we took Ubers everywhere. And we filmed each other talking to the Uber guys. Just telling them all our fears and problems

that they're barely listening to. I would just have, like, one arm around the back of his seat, and I'd be like, I think it was the horseback He's telling them all our fears and problems, but they're barely listening. I would just have like one arm around the back of his seat, and I'd be like, I think it was the horseback riding camp. I should never have gone to that camp because afterwards I stopped believing in myself. And there was no response. And I'd be like, you know, I keep weight on so that I don't get assaulted. One star. One star. One star. And they would have no response. I think they thought we were

out of our minds. Sometimes the guys would give a little advice, but Jessica, and that would be even funnier, but Jessica would be like, I could work out. I have hand weights and I have these ankle weights, but I don't put, I mean, I cry. But we would be leaning up right to their face. You guys, I feel like you look at

everybody or every place, everything as, like, a stage almost. Like, you're just my character. When we're with each other. You're my co-star to, like, I'm going to fuck with you. Yeah, but I think you probably do that, like, not when I'm alone. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, with my other friend.

But when you're with someone that you, like, nuts with, you do that. And they get it, yeah. And she makes me laugh in a way that nobody else does. I'll do that when I'm with, like with Chris DiStefano because he's nuts. And I have that. So there's certain people I'm like that with where I'm just crazy when I'm around them. I don't think I've ever had a normal, like a regular conversation with Chris. He does get normal sometimes.

I'm like, do you want to come by the show? And then afterwards I'll suck your dick. And I'm like, why did I even, what are you saying? What's going on I know Chris DiStefano what I love about Chris DiStefano is it goes from like

he'll text me the most ludicrous shit because he knows how funny I think those kind of like Staten Island drunks are that he hangs out with I mean just complete

deep morons just like real degenerates one of his friends works at JetBlue like in baggage and he's a firefighter during the day but he tells women that he's the pilot like he just works One of his friends Works at JetBlue And baggage And he's a firefighter During the day

But he tells women That he's the pilot He just hangs with These hilarious animals And he'll text me Something like that But then the next text From him will be like

I legit Think I have And it'll be like Some specific style Of cancer Full blown hypochondriac Is he a hypochondriac? Oh, extremely.

Oh, I didn't know that. Well, you know what it started from? I think he always thought he had an STD, and he did. So every time he thought he had something and he did, it was like, well, he keeps confirming it correctly. I have so many male comic friends like that. Like, they can't stop. With STDs?

Yes, just crackling with STDs. Teeming with AIDS. But they call me, like, they'll call me and be freaking out every night that they can't stop themselves from hooking up with somebody. And then they'll be like, sure, they have AIDS. This does not bring you any joy. Stop doing it. And they have so many doctors on their phones. One of the male comics I was with, I was just sitting around with him at the cellar and his phone rang.

And it just said, older woman Tampa. And I was like, just hate yourself. That's incredible. That's like a level of like, that's an, you're an addict. That's a major problem. You look at an old woman in Tampa and you need to fuck her and then get her number and everything. Follow up with her.

That's a real statement you just said. A lot of them are. They're very empty. A lot of them. But if ever you have older woman Tampa ringing on your phone, don't answer. You have chlamydia. That's like,

that is a problem. And if I was that woman, can you imagine knowing that's how you're saved in somebody's phone? I would just kill myself. Hey, it's older woman

from Tampa. She's actually a triad L at UCF, too. Just years of the sun. She's 20. 20 years old. Can't even legally drink. That is so funny

what you said. She's a candy striper. But I feel like that time in our life when we did this, Jessica had lost her dad. but I feel like the weekend like that time in our life when we did this like you know Jessica had lost her dad

I was like pregnant in the middle of COVID married to a fireman and we were really truly like everybody losing their minds I was just wandering around in a nightgown

just like I'm telling you you're like a month away from swaying you're right there it's next it's gonna be this is gonna end

in some sort of Grey Gardens situation. Like, I'll be homelish at best. But then it was just like, we brought me back to like, we were just being silly the way I was when I was a kid. Before the business, before you became obsessed with all these different, you know, rejections. People were trying to reinvent the wheel. And like, I appreciate anyone who's like pushing the boundaries of comedy or coming up with new ways to do it. But also sometimes, like, play the hits, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, funny prank shit is never going to. Silly, you don't have to think. Yeah. I only made one. Especially you guys can go through the voices so well that it takes you to all the level where it's. I only made one prank call ever in my life. Really?

Yeah, that's not true. Well, I was present for many of them them but I only had the stones for one and it was, fuck, who was the the Jamaican fortune teller? Oh, Miss Cleo. Miss Cleo. Call Miss Cleo and meet a friend. I forgot about Miss Cleo.

That's a great throwback. And like we like, we were really, really young and it rang and it was like, I don't know, we said like, I don't know what we said, but something stupid like, how about you kiss our butts? And then hung up. And then we were so positive that police were coming to arrest us for that, that we were home alone.

We hid under a bed for like 20 minutes, half hour. We were like, the cops are definitely coming to arrest us. We are in so much trouble now. That is the cutest thing that you thought you would be promptly arrested. I got out of the prank game quickly. I didn't have the lips to last in prison. I was like, oh, wait. Oh, I know.

Lips. Where's Cleo, man? See, that's the thing. I love you were that innocent, and now you're like, yeah, I'll tell you which tushy porn that was. Now you can bring up the name of a porn. Oh, I mean, girl. You're like a librarian.

You're just like, oh, actually, that was the third one. That was the one where she gets it. You're right. I have devolved. But that is so cute that you thought you were going to be arrested. That's so hilarious. He says things. We've been doing this for 10 years now, and he'll say things

and I'm like, how the fuck is that only surfacing right now? And he says something that I'm, like, well the first time was when he, this was years ago, when he was just casually talking about how his babysitter used to make him watch porn. And I was like, Yeah, that's common. So I was like, wait, what?

I've heard that a lot. Put it this way, he's been molested four times. And only realized he had been molested on this show. Where he would be going through the details and I'd be like, that's molestation. Bro, you got molested. That's a gaggle of molestings. I realized it at certain points too and I didn't realize it was molestation. Yeah. How did it come over you?

Like you thought it first. Well, someone else would be telling a story, and it'd be like, oh my God, the same thing. Yeah. Someone else would be weeping in a church basement in a fold-out chair, and you're like, wait. You do? I came as their friend. Go on. Go on.

I think we're going to have a little connection here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I also had're going to have a little connection here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I also had a fist in me from the rabbi. Dude, I had a computer science teacher when I was in middle school who would just fucking like,

he would ignore the rest of the class and would just massage my shoulder and play with my earlobes. Oh, my God. No, I know. That's what I mean. I know. I think I just heard that

for the first time right now. I've brought up Mr. C before. No, I know. That's what I mean. That's, I know. See, I think I just heard that for the first time right now. And it's just like, what? I've brought up Mr. C before. Harry is a bitch. But that's right. That's, that, you know, shit like that happens to guys a lot. Yeah, I bet there's a lot of that. And they don't realize it's not okay.

And they don't talk about it. But I'm serious. Like, they say, don't, this is horrible. But six out of ten boys are molested. That's a high number. And eight out of ten girls. It's a real number. See, even still, I instinctively want to go, I don't know.

I don't know anyone. Meanwhile, it's you. He was saying there was this old man who used to come out of the woods, like literally would appear out of the woods, show up at his house, and ask to play catch with him. Yeah. And his mom was like, yeah, go ahead. And then his dad, like, pulled up in the driveway.

He was also my Little League baseball coach. He was a Little League baseball coach, but he would always come outside of practice. It wasn't practice, but can John come out and play with him? And they'd be playing. He had no children. He lived in the woods. He had a ponytail, walked with a cane, morbidly obese. And he would just, like, come, like, play.

Imagine a grown man going to the door being like, can John come out and play basically. And then his dad would come home and be like get the fuck out of here. What are you doing? Go. Your dad knew. I've heard stories like this. Did you play the catcher with your asshole? Probably.

Strike him out, throw him out. DP baby. I had a weird guy that called the wrong number once to my house, and then he kept calling and doing sexual stuff. And I have a guy friend who went through the same thing. Really? That's fucked up. Yeah.

I had a girl talk to him, so I just switched over to my voice. I hope you go to therapy and process it, though, separate from everything. What's that? Do you go to therapy and process it? I recently quit. Oh, you've got to go back. Circle back. You've been molested too many times.

You need another six weeks at least. I couldn't do the telehealth. I'm over the telehealth. I was like, look, when you guys start doing it in person again, I'll come back. But I'm so- John was convinced that it was being recorded. Because I would do it in here. I'd do Zoom in here.

There are 17 microphones around me. I would not do that. I understand. That's a lot. I had this math tutor and he molested most of the kids. I was about to say me. He molested me. No, and you know why I think he didn't molest me?

You almost get offended at some point, right? You fucked everyone else in the classroom. What am I doing wrong here? Why did you molest me? Never, never. Never. And you know why I think he didn't molest me and not even look twice? I mean, really, his wife would come in a lot, I remember, and look at him.

And he later went to prison for molesting again a gaggle of girls. But he would come in and check on me. And I think it was because I was was so and i'm not making this up was so dumb in math he was furious at me like he was he was like you are too stupid to assault i remember he was always so irritated with me like i would come in and he'd be like that's not even the hard part of the problem that's the setup thing shit Shit, Rachel. He was screaming. Like, come on. Like, he couldn't stuff the information into my brain. And he didn't understand how could a child be so stupid.

And I remember his- You were so dumb, he couldn't get hard. He couldn't get hard. I mean, I could see him massaging this girl and then this girl. It gets huge. Like, she doesn't know what an even number is. She can't do long division. I'm not touching her.

And I'm not in any way exaggerating this or making it up. Because I would be so upset when I got there. When I left because he was so mad at me. But he'd be like, it's simple. I told you how to carry the one. Shit. He's like, I'm getting paid for this crap and I can't even do my damn job. He'd follow you home while you're riding your bike.

He'd be like, what's 2 plus 2? And you'd be like, W. I was so dumb. It exhausted him. He's like, this is not right. Come on, man. And I remember when his wife just stopped checking on us because he's like, she's like, he's not, you know, yeah, he's going to be very flaccid for her.

Yeah, I probably saved the next kid coming in. You're a hero. Yeah. You are a hero. You were like a whistleblower. You stopped it. That was the original Me Too movement.

I couldn't do my time staples, and I saved the children. Maybe a tutor would get angry with me. Like, people that started out gentle and kindly, not even active molesters, and they'd be like, Shit! The fuck? Yeah, because it was just like they couldn't stuff it in my brain, the facts. Not even active molesters. I thought high school was only for active shooters, not active molesters.

No, I mean, I could have handed him a tit. He would be like, hard pass. Go figure out a tit. Take my left can. I hand it to the kid. Take this kid. A shooter will go right after you. Yeah, you almost helped him transition from molester to shooter. I was going to fuck him, and then I met her. I decided

to kill him. Oh no, he probably did graduate to murder after me. The manifesto says I lost all hope in humanity when Rachel couldn't fucking do couldn't do her eight times tables, so I shot off the glass.

I shot her in the head. I was just gonna gently caress her, but then I blew her head off. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Well, this has been something. This has been a special one. This has been maybe the most fun I've ever had doing this fucking joke.

So is the album out now? Yes. It's out everywhere. Is that what we're calling it? Album? Show? Series? I don't know.

It's an album. An A-track. An A-track. Out everywhere. Rachel keeps calling it a CD. I think it's an album. You guys should sell a CD. I know.

Put it on a CD and sell it as like a little, you know, for your diehard fans. They would buy it. That's fun. They probably still, everyone still has a CD player probably know, for your diehard fans. They would buy it. That's fun. They probably still, everyone still has a CD player probably a lot of people. Yeah. What? I don't even know

what I just said. I think you're rubbing off a lot of people. Rachel's rubbing off on your head. That number started a lot and ended with the same amount of teachers

who wanted to fuck Rachel. I just made myself want to kill myself. We have a suicide jar up there. Every time we make a reference about killing ourselves, we have to put a dollar in. And I just made myself want to kill myself. I'm putting a 10 in.

I'm going to start cutting. Oh, man. God, that was horrible. I think we should crash the game. Everyone's still got record plans. CDN, sell it. People still have CD plans. Fucking idiot.

We have to end this before we get canceled or something. We're devolving quickly here. All right. It's called The Call Girls. It's available everywhere. And I just want to thank, I guess, my mom, the Marx brother. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just going to keep interviewing myself.

When did I first realize I had it? I want to say the second grade. All right, girls. You guys are amazing. It was great. Congratulations on everything. I can take this home? Yeah.

It's your parting gift. It's called the call girls and the whore and her blind sister. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.