KFC Radio - Sports Illustrated Ruined Feits' Life (Ft. Jackie) || Stuff Island

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:30 Leah Michele is pregnant you heard it here first 05:16 Jackie gets way too honest about her breast reduction 15:01 Sports Illustrated ruined Johns Life 23:20 The David 31:57 The best answer to "Do You Know [person]?" 33:24 Why do you hate yourself? 36:02 Nostalgia feeling / Jackie's sad Pintrest 41:38 Jackie isn't allowed to date anyone who likes mayonaise 45:49 Meeting the parents 49:24 Feits is rivaling Pavs in fun pants 58:58 Do you get sick of looking at yourself in the mirror? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Rough and Rowdy: PPV is available to watch on https://BuyRNR.com with replay available until the following weekYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. We're like five minutes into a quote-unquote solo. We're five minutes into a hostless podcast. My nipples used to get caught in my belly button. can you preface that this is yeah uh this is kfc radio feidelberg and jackie today do you think subway like i was taking the subway today i don't think it moves fast enough to kill you, despite all evidence that it does. I think, wait, first of all, I just want to say that, like, I think it's, when they are, like, when they talk about, like, they're really open about when they hit somebody with a car, when somebody jumps in front of them.

Well, it's pretty hard to hide. I know, but, like, you don't have to, like, you can keep that to yourself. Like, you don't have to give us all the details of it. What do you mean? When somebody, like, if I'm in the middle of the train, and you're like, sorry, guys, somebody just, like, died on the tracks, I don't need to, or, like, if it's not. How often is that? Are you, like, Paz? Does that happen a lot?

This happens. I've had Paz happen, like, every week. Yeah, I know. I know. Paz is kind of, like, a bad luck charm with that. Like, this has happened probably, like, twice to me now. I didn't realize we were both all murdered out. That's kind of cool out that's kind of cool oh yeah all black i was feeling bloated today every day it is bro when you wake up and just have deli meats in the morning

you start every day with your sodium on 100 did you do the do you actually do that every night uh basically every week night yeah it's like it's i can't fall asleep unless i ate 30 seconds ago really yeah do you just not eat enough during the day i guess not the only way i fall asleep is if i got like food is in my hand do you have a sodium issue i i'm sure i have a lot of issues jackie if i were to check out this whole thing i would guess there have a lot of issues, Jackie. If I were to check out this whole thing, I would guess there's a lot of issues. Have you ever tried cutting it out? No. No, I've never tried.

No. Okay. Because I feel like it's like when I have more like deli meats and everything, I'm like really like my face is puffy and everything. And then I think I'm like, how, like, final word. Yeah, dude. I love a cartoon like your hands would probably be so much more normal if you cut it out that's probably the issue i go to the doctor every time am i pregnant i don't think so i think you just have a belly

full of fucking oscar meyer turkey i saw um leah michelle at dinner last night oh yeah pregnant I don't know if the people know it I don't know if it's here first but also like fuck Lea Michele and her ability to announce her own pregnancy KFC radio exclusive but also wait I do want to preface like what if she just had a bunch of deli I was gonna say like it was after dinner and it's

it is possible that like she was just really bloated but she was holding it the way that you hold a baby but it was a very small bump but so it'd be so like there's a possibility that again she was just like she's had a big meal i'm 90 sure that like it was pregnant well the we'll get back to the train at some point probably but the the i don't understand the hand placement. Why does every girl do – especially if you're like – if it's a little bump and you're trying to be like, look, I'm not fucking fat. It's a baby. That's fine.

When you're like six months pregnant, I think we can stop putting our hands around it. It's pretty clear. No one thinks you had a big dinner. You have a fucking baby in there clearly. When you're about to pop, like posing with a picture picture like that, like, just take a fucking picture. Who cares how you're, like, I don't understand what the representation of the hand is. I'm sure it's, I wonder if, I kind of assumed it was from, like, the first trimester, like, always trying to, like, show that you're pregnant and not that. And then you just kind of, it's out of habit.

But I also kind of feel like it's, like, when you have a pinball in your face and you, like, want to keep touching it. It's probably, like, when you have, like, a giant bump on your stomach. You're, like like it's like when you have a pinball in your face and you like want to keep touching it it's probably like when you have like a giant bump on your stomach you're like it's so crazy like I'm just like kind of like wanting to touch it it just had your hand just uh uh magnetically goes to it yeah because also I feel like you know it's like if you have like a like a globe or something you're kind of like like circular things are just like fun to like smooth out kind of with your hands. Do you know what I mean? But I have no idea. Do you remember when I tricked you into the guy's friend?

Yeah, I do. I remember the panicked phone call from Kevin being like, what the fuck? What do we do? Is she serious? And I was like, I hadn't seen the text yet. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. He's like, look at your text. And I think I believed it like 100 i think kevin i think

i think if kevin hadn't called me being like is this real i think i would have been like jackie's pregnant because kevin was the one that brought up the tampons right why were tampons in discussion because remember i kept like throwing my tampons at you handing you my tampon yes yes yes yes yes and then you guys like tracked my cycle yeah he's He's like, she was just throwing tampons. I was like, good point. Good point. I was like, I was on the couch with my mom. Yeah, she was throwing tampons.

Don't worry, mom. We'll get back to the movie in a second. You hypothetically have a girl at her period two weeks ago. She can't be pregnant, right? What was I going to say? Wait, real. Oh, fuck. i had something else and then trains um by the way have you ever zinned no pop one in fuck yeah i haven't dude dude the government's coming for him get him in while you can really yeah you can't do it they're they're trying to

i mean wait what if i like throw up what if if I get addicted? Who cares? No, I care. I would like. It's not, it's nicotine. Who cares? Nicotine doesn't fucking matter. It's not tobacco. It's not going to give you cancer. When I was kind of like, so why did you like.

This is such an awesome, like we're not finishing any conversations and you better not expect us to at any point. Okay. Okay. Everything is going to be 75% of a conversation. I'm actually really curious about the train thing. Wait. We'll get back to it.

Okay. So how do I do it? I just put it in. Just put it in your mouth. I can see now how it's like, like I would never do this if there wasn't a camera in front of me, but now it's just like, like this looks pick me of me,

but like. It's topical. Again, the government's coming for your zins. They're trying to ban them. Why? I don't know. Am I going to. Because everyone 12 and They're trying to ban them. Why? I don't know. Am I going to...

Because everyone 12 and under is addicted to them. Yeah, yeah. Am I going to throw it up? Probably not, but maybe. It's on the table. It's not like... Putting in a lip is like... You have to be a little more careful. This is just... This is just...

This is... For the record, Zachy... Zachy... Jackie went with a fucking six mig too kind of have three migs because i'm not one of the 12 years old 12 year olds who are addicted um i also don't think i'm addicted i just like it uh no that's definitely you definitely are addicted i don't think so i don't think i've ever been addicted to anything ever i think i just get like into routines and i like doing it and then i'm just like maybe i'm out of that routine for

now i think it was an addict in my past life and that's why i don I like doing it. And then I'm just like, eh, maybe I'm out of that routine for now. I think I was an addict in my past life and that's why I don't try it. I don't do... Your past life? At least it was a past life this time and not your past robotics. Don't get me started on my Danny DeVito theory. Which is, I'm like 90% sure that I... Sorry, we will get to trains in a second.

We probably won't, just to be clear. I'm like 90%. I've always just thought that I like had to have looked like Danny DeVito all throughout all my past lives. Like for some reason, I just picture myself as Danny DeVito, meaning like I wasn't cute because like...

Danny DeVito is adorable. No, I know, I know. I feel like this is like... I don't mean for Danny DeVito to catch this much like side heat. Wow, this is really like minty. It's a mint flavor. That makes so much more sense.

So, okay. Like, I feel like everyone's always like, oh, when you like grow up with like boobs in high school, like you don't have a personality and like you like just have the easiest, like you have so much confidence and everything. And I feel like I never got like that, that like like wind of confidence where i was like i like don't get me wrong like the guys notice in high school but i never was like like no matter what i looked like i never like got it through my head and i think i had to have been just so ugly in past lives that like the second i got like a kind of cute body, I was like, I don't like, like I often see people like staring at me.

I'll be like, what's like going on. And I'll remember like a pretty average, you know, like pretty fine. Yeah. Go stumble over. You're the,

but it's like, I literally like, I'm like pretty, uh, like, I'm sorry that I have a little bit of confidence. I'm just saying like I reaped zero of the benefits of having tits in high school. Well, I think you were the opposite end of the spectrum.

I don't like this, dude. What? I don't like it. Let me get you a little more dizzy first. Okay. Yeah. I don't like that. You were the opposite of the spectrum.

You had to get them lopped off. So you probably were like, these are too big. I'm a freak. No, and they were saggy, too. Like, one day I'm going to release the photos. Every time I show someone, it's actually really like, then I get it. Because, like, I will show people the photos, and they'll be like, it can't be that bad. And then they go, oh, I would have gotten that, too.

Were they, like, down to your like waist yeah no i'm not they were shut up dude i wouldn't i'm not kidding like i went from zero to like 60 year old woman i never got like the cues did you have like your nipples like pointed at the ground yes no dude and like okay this is all you're idiots the one you have no confidence i remember like literally if i okay whatever i'll get back to that but like i remember sitting down yeah i remember we'll get back that understand that that's over and it's never we have to at least end the podcast with trains maybe probably um this is a wild sensation in my mouth right now oh don't don't clip that um wait what was

it i say oh because i remember like sitting down and then like them hitting like right here and being like this is like just wildly uncomfortable like you know you just have the stomach rolls it would just like all get caught in everything and i was like your nips would get caught in your stomach rolls yeah that's the most unflattering you were a monster and such tmi but like my nipples were like really like and they have since like wait i'm feeling so dizzy now and like they have since like size controlled them but like they cut off the cross exactly which is so crazy thing but my nipples just like lying on a platter in the whatever.

Oh, my God. I'm so dizzy right now. I feel like this is like truth serum. Nobody asked me to say this. Anyway. This whole podcast is like Charlie in the basement where it's like, hey, do you think trans can kill you? So one day my nipples were like dinner plates where it's like the thing like you you retweeted

like the guy who like sprayed the perfume yeah we're like five minutes into a quote unquote solo we're five minutes into a hostless podcast and Jack is like my nipples used to get caught in my belly butt

I like feel like I'm My nipples used to get caught in my belly button. I feel like I'm... At 16, you should have the cutest little perky nipple. Like, perky tits. Yeah, 16-year-olds. Oh, the best tits. 16-year-olds have the cutest little nipples. Wait, also... Don't pin that on me. Can I take this off? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. have the cutest little nipples. Wait, also?

Don't pin that on me. Can I take this off? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Dude, I'm dizzy right now. What do I do with this? Was I supposed to not swallow? No, I swallowed. You fucking champ.

Do you want some water? Yeah, sure. Wait, what was I talking about about all my nipples for dinner place oh also officially not a pedophile because moments ago you're talking about 16 year old i'm talking about like like yeah okay so unhinge now i can like i'm like i like i think before when you're younger like the guys can kind of look like there could be like an 18 year old guy and you're kind of like oh is he 18 but like 18 and 23 kind of look the same there's a big difference between guys who look 23 and 24 and so it's like now unhinge like i'll accidentally have it set to like 23 year olds but i can snuff

them out like that i'm like damn like they're so ugly to me now. That's just like officially not a pedophile. Cute nipple phone. Jackie's got a 23-year-old radar. Fucking no way. I bet this guy's upset about Zins getting banned. But like officially I can say like 23-year-olds or anyone who looks kind of young does nothing for me. That's – it's a little concerning.

It took you this long? No, because like again, sometimes when you're – So like from 18 to 20 – what are you, 24, 23? 24. 24. 18 to 24, Jackie's just been stressed. You're just like, I don't know. Fuck, I hope I don't like kids.

Because you don't really know until you're like... And now it's just like they do nothing for me. But I was really stressed out for a moment there. Just being like, that could have been an 18-year-old. And what if that is an 18-year-old? Because you never know. I feel like I'm going to cut that out. But like...

Anyways, point is... Not a pedophile. Nibbles besides dinner plates. Hang on. I'm going to'm gonna do a uh should I put the picture on rumble

it's not censored do we have a pen around um I honestly would get up and I'm like really dizzy I think it would pass out if I do 16 year old Jackie

no Jack actually ate like really good depiction of what they look like. I'm not fucking kidding. And they were long.

And they look like you have. That's why you have your fucking leg thing. Because your boobs look like amputated legs. Oh, my God. You're right. They legit did. That's so and also it's like i kind of have like a short torso as is and like longer like so again like it wasn't hard for it to hit like down there but i was just like it shouldn't be coming into my stomach fault

anyways let's get off. Do you have anything? Trains. Before we get to trains. Okay, okay, yeah. I forgot that I want to talk about last episode. Sports Illustrated is dead. Oh, that's right. And everyone's kind of very sad about it.

And they've been waxing poetic about it and all that stuff. And I would just like to say that I am so glad Sports Illustrated is dead. Sports Illustrated ruined my life. Why? I'm glad you asked. When I was a child, very young, I got a subscription to Sports Illustrated for kids. For kids. Pedophile.

He has the six-year-old nipples. Just looking for nice little nipples on the swim team they would sometimes have like like here's a 12 year old who's playing water polo in california but what the fuck 12 year olds are playing water polo but nonetheless like they would like highlight like child athletes in different areas who are excelling in their sports you oddly not in it for your under 16 grade team um but part of it in sports illustrated for kids was in every issue or in a lot of issues there would be addresses for the superstar athletes. So you could mail them and ask them for their autograph. Is it like P.O. boxes? Well, I don't remember exactly what it was, but as a kid, I was like,

holy fucking shit, I have Shaquille O'Neal's home address, and I get to just ask him for an autograph. So I would send letters to every single athlete in there. You did? Every single one. Anytime there was an athlete, I'd send a letter and be like, Hello, Mr hello mr o'neill i'm a big fan hello mr grant hill hello joe thornton all these fucking people and i'd and they'd all send that uh autographs back i had what every star athletes autograph from 1993 to 2000 whatever years it it was. Would they write you back too?

Yeah, there'd be a little letter on the autograph. Hey, John, thanks for reaching out. Big fan. Thanks for being a fan. Love. Sergey Samson. I don't know. Again, just like Ken Griffey.

All these athletes. I know you're there. I had, if you were an A-level athlete, and that's time span, I had your autograph. I had every single one, all in a binder. And while people were spending time collecting Beanie Babies and Pogs and all this stuff, I was getting every athlete's autograph. And I was like, I am going to be the wealthiest man alive one day.

Like, all of these things are worth thousands of dollars did you collect it with the thought that you were gonna no that wasn't the plan but like as i aged and started realizing what things had value i was like this is insane i'm like i'm my net worth as a 14 year old is fucking i'm a millionaire right now and and i didn't really think about that that binder ever all that often once like that's kind of like yeah well i was a kid i wasn't thinking about the future and and i watched my high school friends work hard and i was like these fucking idiots they're hoping to have careers i'm i'm fucking autograph rich right now i don't i don't need to do anything you're like i cheat the system yeah and then i went off to college and i was i

got kicked out of a million colleges and i was like who fucking cares i'm sitting on a goldmine back at home and when i got kicked out of college probably for the last time i was like well it is what it is i guess i'll just sell autographs for a living i went to my little box where i kept all my uh valuable things my bonds and all that stuff and i i opened up that book and i realized that every single one of those autographs was screen printed or just printed out i had not realized it as a kid and i was like what the fuck not not one of these is real like not one was real are you sure like have you gone like oh i i don't know if i still have the book anymore i had it my parents moved my child at home and i

just told him to throw everything i have away um i can see how that's just like in the back of your mind like you don't really think about it yeah it wasn't an active thought i wasn't not going to college because i had autographs i wasn't not but there was a part of me that was still like i mean i have all of these great athletes autographs like i can go down to a memorabilia shop today and walk out with enough money to buy a car. How much do you think if you were to sell it now that it would be? Zero dollars. None of them are real.

Again, I'm not positive I still have it. I will have to check with my parents and see if they have that binder. Wayne Gretzky was in there. I mean, I had the top tier autographs from everybody. And I hadn't looked at it probably since I was like 14, 15 or something like that. And I never thought about it. Again, I'm joking and telling a story it wasn't a genuine like who fucking cares but when i was like i need some fucking money i was like oh i guess i'll sell these autographs like do you think okay maybe what if you like

said sports illustrated is done you create a kid sports illustrated and sell that to little kids because they're gonna have the same thought process you have to be like i have win gritsky's fucking autograph right now yeah but i didn't get that magazine with that that wasn't my plan i got my parents got me the magazine just because i like sports that was a business plan i devised after reading it for a while well i kind of like i feel like in a sense like when i was growing up i was just always always like, well, yeah, I'm going to be rich. Duh, I'm going to be rich. And then that's always been in the back of my mind.

Okay, I don't really have to worry because I know I'm going to be rich. But now I'm getting to the point where I'm like, well, it does require a plan. I, first of all, 100% understand what you're saying yeah yeah second of all like it is a michael scott quote in in the office that's one of my favorites where he's like he hey i'm i don't want to put tricks i want to get it um michael scott said yes money has been a little tight lately but at the end of my life when i'm sitting in my yacht am i gonna be thinking about how much money i have obviously things look well i have a yacht and um like i'm always like i was like that's so dumb but yeah i get it but it's true it's like sometimes like just as a kid you're like yeah i got this like how hard can making money be and you kind of realized like damn you really gotta like and that's why um the well i feel like fuck i literally cannot keep a thought process i just had a point

well then maybe i'll shake it up oh no no that that's like fucking up my thought process even more i really can't um that's okay so also sports, are they officially like done done? Yeah, I don't really know the ins and outs of it. I think like a VC company basically just kind of bled it dry and they're keeping the name. But I don't think like Sports Illustrated when I was growing up, I had like Rick Riley. I forget what it's called. Wasn't his two cents, but whatever. He had like the last page of the magazine. And that was what I read all the time as a kid because i thought he was so funny and interesting and then he kind of

inspired bill simmons who i read a lot um but i forget what the question was oh oh so what i was saying was was that like they would have like the best sports writer for every sport yeah and then you just have to pay to read it and then so do you think it got you into blogging oh for sure okay yeah a little bit of payoff yeah no i guess it ruined my life did you did you look at it for like the girls or whatever like i feel like in sports illustrated they didn't really highlight bikinis and sports for kids but in sports illustrated yeah i i i think when i came out as straight was when Tara Banks was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks, sorry. And I was like, whoa, I like that. And then I was like, black girls? I was like 13, like, geez, I don't think i have any black girls in my town i did but not in my friend group um get out of here yeah there was like two black people which is crazy the um but there was a different sports illustrated issue where i cut out all like all the bikini models and i hung them all over my room yeah and my dad came over from that work that night and i was like you think you live in a fucking

frat house take all of this down like you just do it because like you thought that you like that's what other people were doing or did you actually just like enjoy i don't know it probably a mix of both like it is much like the autographs is definitely me now and not something i would ever do yeah yeah like it was i was i mean it wasn't all it wasn't like a fucking psychopath plastered but like i had a few pictures of bikini models up and my dad was like what the fuck is wrong with you take that down i was trying to think of like because you guys have talked about like the first time you realized like you liked a woman the first time i like this is like saw okay i remember like seeing the david and being which is like funny because it's like it had nothing to do with like his dick or anything but i just

remember like being like wow like the male body is like really like i remember getting kind of like hot and bothered in class but it's kind of weird to think about like the david now is i don't know like he's just like but he had he has like a great body and that was kind of the first time that i was like i like guys one of the interesting things i learned when i was touring the vatican was that the david michelangelo to the david and that wasn't what a man looked like then. Like, not what, like, a warrior looked like. Like, because that was, like, gladiator times. Gladiators tended to be a little bit bigger.

Like, having, like, some fat on their bodies and stuff like that. Yeah. And the guys, like, doing the tour was like, so this is just what Michelangelo thought was hot. And, like, he's like, and still still today that's what influences like what men want to look like really and they didn't actually yeah because i guess like they're not okay the thing is though like are the guys like i always think like wow people weren't working out back then so like there's no way that they actually looked like that yeah did they like work out though i just assumed that like well like again i have no idea but as it was explained to us by this tour guide the um

the guys who worked out like weren't watching their carbs and shit the guys who worked out were just big hulking guys yeah they weren't like lean tone dudes like david was like they weren't doing like fucking hit workouts yeah they weren't they weren't using kettlebells they were just like moving heavy rocks and fighting each other yeah and like that was enough yeah but like i there had to have been a period where guys were like after like the caveman era where it's like it comes naturally from like every everyday life and then because then what's the point where like people were like okay we need to start going to the gym there had to have been a middle area where like all the guys it's's very, very recent.

Yeah, right? My uncle played college and a little pro in Europe basketball, and he's 20 years older than me. He's like, we can work out. He said the end of his college career, they started working out. But that was probably the mid-80s. So you're saying that's because of the David, you think, that people work out? I don't know. know no i think that's because of a lot of

different things but i think i don't think it's the sole reason but like i think and i think because it was told to me but like that's part of the reason we look at that as like the male form yeah and that's the goal but it's like he's like you know people didn't look like that it's just what michelangelo wanted people to look like so it's like still we strive for just the idea of what michelangelo had in his mind that's crazy that's a little gay and also the michelangelo all his sculptures are white no color i think i've said this before because he thought that's what egyptian statues, and he was basing them all off that. But Egyptian statues were all actually painted, which is by the time Michelangelo ever saw them, they'd been washed away by rain and weather and stuff like that.

But in ancient Egypt, and even ancient Rome, the Colosseum was actually painted and shit like that. When you see it depicted, it's all brick. It was very beautifully colored. And he was like i'm gonna do it all white like the egyptians did it and the egyptians painted everything that is not to keep getting into conspiracy theories but like okay the egyptian sculptures were like i get it like you have a hammer and a nail like it and it looks like that like they don't look that good they're like yeah yeah they're kind of like i could do that but like the greek statues they really up their game and technology but they're still not

using technology they're just using like a hammer but then when you think about like a sculpture like a like how do they actually it may just be maybe i just haven't looked up any videos but like how i just don't believe like sculptures are really good. How? Artistic ability. But that's how they still make them. They're still not using some extreme technology. They're still using chisels and fucking sanders and whatever. Dude, I was in Breckenridge, Colorado once, and I was there for their ice sculpting competition.

And we just went into town. I was probably 17 or something like that. And we just went into town to watch it. These guys only used like chainsaws and they were the most beautifully detailed sculptures i've ever seen in my life really yeah it was like we would watch like they would they like in the competition it was like they had to start with a block of ice so like we were watching it it wasn't like they brought it in they were like hey i did this with a chainsaw it was like we watched them and it was insane. And then are they using like stencils?

No. Not that I recall. Again, I was a little younger and probably drunk. But I recall it being just you could only use a chainsaw. Okay. Interesting. But also, can I say a fun fact? Sure.

It's not like I haven't actually looked it up again, so I don't know if it's a fun fact or if it's accurate but whales um they like all they like the male whales in mating season they all come up with the song like each apparently each whale kind of like comes up with their song and then they like get together and they kind of like form what they make it into like one song and so they have a song of the summer and then they sing that song to the male like the songs are like 30 minutes to hours long and they sing it to the females which is so funny because it's just like a guy with a guitar like you know 30 minutes to an hour 30 minutes crazy as as a more evolved species who god loves more whales cut it down boys you cut it down you're the first whale to drop a four minute banger

yeah you're gonna have a lot more honeys on you and and it's so true that's so true like you're gonna hook him in the first minute or two the The next 28, they're going to be like, this guy's got to land his plane. You fucking cut that down four minutes. Nice hook, chorus, verse, hook, chorus, verse. You're done. And if you come up with, again, one song. If you come up with some other bangers, too, that's tough. But it also reminds me of in Homecoming.

I just remembered in high school, I guess one guy was really liking saggy tits and he asked me to Homecoming. And he sang like an eight minute song for me to ask me to Homecoming. And I just remember being like, it was the most like in body I've ever felt because you're so aware of everything. Like I was like smiling. I was like trying to smile for like eight minutes long. And it was it was the most uncomfortable thing like to this day and i just think about those whales those women are probably like i don't want to be listening to this but they have a song fuck me already stupid whale oh my god yeah i'd be like consent like i've consented you can do whatever you want as long as you promise to stop so i'm just singing put it anywhere um anyways i just thought that was like a fun little fact that was a fun

fact yeah do you have any fun facts i don't have a fun fact no i actually wait one more like fun fact that i have not looked up i just saw this in passing and i don't know something about pigeons being fake or um uh the birds aren't real no no no it's like i think pigeons are human bread or human what's it called a dna like lab creation dnaated. I'll come back to you guys on that one. Okay. Yeah. Anyways, that's all I got with fun facts. I got sent a clip from my buddy's podcast, What Chaos? It's a hockey podcast, DJ Bean and Pete Blackburn. And they asked the guy on the show if he knew me, one of the players. I think he plays for the Canes. And he did not but he has the best answer i've ever seen for like hey do you know so and so this this response

i've been thinking about it is i'm stealing it and just using it forever whenever someone asks me if i know somebody yeah i got it he's like do you know who john fuddleburg is i wish I wish no matter who it is I wish I think that's the funniest thing ever that's like really polite I have no idea I wish I knew him though that's such a cool way to say it

I wish were you just listening to the podcast no I was in a group chat with them and they said it to me what were they going to say it. I wish. Were you just listening to the podcast and then somebody said it to you? No, I was in a group chat with them and they said it to me. What were they going to say about you? They said to me, do you know who John Feidelberg is? I wish. He's the best.

But he's a very funny person and a bright person who just fucking hates himself so much. I don't think you hate yourself, but I think you're like, I'm whatever'm whatever well you'd be surprised why why do you think that you hate yourself so much i don't know i have this i have the saggy tits so like that makes sense for me what i mean i had i i was i was chestier as well bro i have i have a memory one time of uh we were looking over pictures we'd gone to the bahamas our junior year of high school

and uh there was one one day we took a picture it was me and a guy and we had two girls on our shoulders in the ocean yeah and we had come back from the bahamas and we were looking at pictures and i overheard two of the girls go oh my god look at those tits and i was like oh my god they're talking about me and and i i never said anything and i never asked them who they're talking about. But I was just like, in my head, 100%, it's me they're talking about. And which is very narcissistic. Wasn't until years, years later that I realized the girl on my shoulders, I know who it is, had the biggest tits in the world. They were definitely talking about her like she was in

this skimpy bathing suit she was the girl who i had a crush on i told a story about recently where like i ended up getting sunburned and they had to come in and yeah and then i like finally got better like three days later i was like where is she and she's just banging some local on the beach and um it's such a villain origin story yeah uh-huh it's such a villain um and uh i mean she said she had bombs and like yes that's obviously what i'm talking about but in my head i was like they're 100 talking about me oh my god you're disgusting you fucking animal oh my god you clearly had issues before then that you were like i'm clearly had issues forever yeah yeah you've like been having issues but you didn't notice her tits at the time oh i noticed that's why i was trying to hook up with her it was just

yeah it's a mix of narcissism and uh a lack of self-worth where you hear a negative insult and you're like that's about me my my sister um or i mean it was a positive they were saying to her but i spun it negatively in my head and convinced myself it was about me. I remember when I was eight years old, crying about my – but I was like, eight years old is so young to even be thinking about your appearance. But I guess – I don't know, but I was a normal-looking – that sounds a lot sadder when I say it out loud. But that's kind of crazy that – that's why I think I was dan devito in the past sorry that's why i think i was like really ugly in past lives also can i just say this the you know do you ever get like that like you look at a picture and you like get the nostalgia feeling but you can't pinpoint it not really okay but go on maybe i'll catch up it's like like

sometimes i'll just see something and i'll be like you just get like a weird like nostalgia but you can't tell if it's like from the past or the future we can't have nostalgia from the future so sorry i'm getting into theories again but it's's like, that makes me feel like, I guess, like, I really wish you understood it. Because this is actually, like, a really great theory. It's like. Where do you find all these theories? I literally just, like, sit and think. Like, I feel like the way that people sit and think, like, when I should be sitting and thinking about, like, what's my schedule for tomorrow?

I've spent probably, like, 30% of my day thinking about, like, world theories and, like, new theories. 70%. That's so much of your day. about like world theories and like new theories. 70%. That's so much of your day. 30%. Oh, 30%. But that's still like a wild amount of time. That is so,

this is why like, sometimes it's like, like I, I actually used to listen to KFC radio a lot to shut that off because I'd be like, okay, I'm like getting kind of crazy. Like I got to out dumb this dumb real quick. Um quick um but that's okay like when people say like time is infinity and i think that

that nostalgia is like the best way i can describe time being infinity because it's like you can't pinpoint whether you're nostalgic for the past or if it's like something in the future when i look at a picture i just remember that time so i guess i would be nostalgic no i also think of nostalgic as like romanticizing i just look at i go oh yeah i remember that day sorry not a picture not a picture of of you like or any of your pictures like of course yeah like a picture of DeVito walking his dog. No, no. Like on Pinterest. Sometimes I'll see somewhere in Italy and I'll be like – sometimes I'll see a normal picture in Italy.

It does nothing for me. But I have a whole folder of pictures. It's called photos that make me feel something. And it's like when I – Can we see some of those? Yeah, but it's not going to be – it's not going to mean anything to you. Because to me, I'm like, oh. Oh, it's going to mean a lot to me.

No, no, no. I mean, they're just pretty photos, honestly. Dude, Pinterest is so fucking underrated. I go on it all day now. And I have a whole pin thing of cheesy quotes. I'm really getting into my white woman era. Photos that make me feel something. Okay, well, a lot of it's like weddings

so it does but like this photo I've been here before I'll just have you scroll these are all places oh no Jackie you knew the one I was going to focus on right away.

What? It's just a man and a woman laying in bed together. Oh, no, Jackie. Bro, I haven't even scrolled at all. This is just what you handed me. For some reason, I didn't capture that. Because honestly, like, wait. Oh, no, Jackie. No, no Jackie no no no okay but that's the thing this is just like I want someone else to recognize me no no no that I'm not gonna

it's gonna get too sad too quick no that was okay okay but here's the thing okay first of all that's Miles Teller and and Kaylee Teller. It is? Yeah. And I'm, like, obsessed with Miles Teller. Okay. That makes it a little better, I guess. I know. The fact that it's celebrities is better, but I thought it was just a stock photo of

a man and a woman being happy together. It's also, like, so creepy that it's, like, that makes me feel something. It's, like, these people in bed together. No, but that's, like, so I look at that photo and it's not and i'm not like oh my god i want that like saving that it's like i have been here before and i and i'm feeling like recognition okay some people are gonna get this i know this because i've seen this over the internet this is not like a yeah see i i see a cool place i'm like damn that's cool it'd be fun to go there i don't ever think like but you never like do or like sometimes i'll pass by like a a building and i'll just look into apartment window and it'll take me back to like a time when i'll be like ah

like i feel like i've been there but i do that with places i've been yeah i did i actually didn't i don't think i texted you um wait yeah you were there i texted brie kevin and grace the other day when i was in la that uh i i was staying right by oh yeah i know i told the story in the podcast right but went for the exit tattoo sign the exit tattoo yeah it's the most normal exit sign wait can i see it again? Yeah. Did you guys, you didn't end up getting it tattooed, right?

No. Where is this place? Did you do anything else in LA? Or were you just there for like literally 24 hours? Literally 24 hours. But yeah, I walked by that bar and was like, this is the bar. That is the most normal exit sign.

It's as normal as it could possibly be. Were you guys on shrooms? I feel like we must have been because we left the bar to go get the tattoo. We were hell-bent on it. We were like, we're going to get this tattoo. And then we just couldn't find a tattoo parlor open. It's not even like – I feel like red exit signs are a little bit more aesthetically pleasing. No, I think red are more common.

So I think the green is a little more unique, which is, I guess, why we thought it was so unique. But it was – it's just an exit. Do you regret any tattoos? No. I mean, yes and no. Yeah, I regret all of them. No, I don't regret any of them. I never, like – I didn't get a tattoo where I'm like, this is so cool and so – like, all my tattoos are dumb.

So, like, they're all dumb. I don't have any regret about having a dumb tattoo tattoo but i acknowledge that they're all dumb yeah uh yeah i like i would i'm literally like i would get cut out i'm like not allowed to have tattoos i'm not allowed to date anyone with tattoos trucks no no no but it's like my mom her like three things are like obviously i can date whoever I want, but like I just would get judgment from my parents. Is that something you ask potential suitors? Are you like do you have tattoos? No, like I don't actually like – I think actually a lot of people I've dated have all had tattoos.

Like it's something I'm like I just won't like – and I'm sure like once I – if I were to meet someone and like, I was like, no, like mom and dad, like it's fine. They can't have tattoos. They can't have trucks and they can't like mayonnaise. Cause my mom, my mom, like when I say,

no, no, mayonnaise got such a bad rap for such a long time. It was like, Oh, white people love mayonnaise and all mayonnaise is the best condom. So I like my mom again will not let us like i grew up kind of thinking that mayonnaise was a bad word like i didn't start saying the word mayonnaise until i left until honestly after college because she she's like

when i say like i'm this is i'm not over exaggerating at all it's like like since i was brought up she would not there was no mayonnaise ever in the house if somebody brought to the table an accident it would be like a whole like with my family it's like a whole like um i don't know like f or like cia operation thing where it's like my dad like takes the mayonnaise away before she can see it hands it to me i put it on the back table like she will like there's been so many is it she gets sick or she just hates she's just dramatic like it's fucking fine and she's literally like if i bring up the word she goes no no no no no no and and and like i i can't say it i can't so then i tried it for the first time like two three years ago and like i'm actually

genuinely scared to say this like in case listens, but like it's fucking fire. It's awesome. It's so good. And it's the best. And I legitimately think I'm going to cut that out. Cause I'm so scared. Just put, but a bleep.

Like, I'm so scared that she's gonna, she would think lesser of me as a human, but it's so good. Like it elevates a sandwich. Yeah. In a way that no other condiment can anyways i'm really happy i cut that off my chest i feel like it's like i feel like i'm disappointing my parents when i say that but like i like mayonnaise and i'm proud that's i'm

glad to finally have that out anyway so then i told like when my ex met um like my parents i was like just like so we're clear just by the way like don't bring up mayonnaise just like this is such a weird thing to have to say because like like i wasn't gonna but i guess i accidentally could have it's not something i would avoid in conversation but it's like the whole time you're just so then he also like didn't like mayonnaise so he was like oh i'll bond with her by like talking about how much i don't like mayonnaise and he didn't get that when i said like don't bring up mayonnaise i mean don't fucking bring up not even negatively it doesn't exist in this world exactly like just act like it's not a thing and so like then at one

point he was like oh by the way like a mayonnaise like i don't like i don't like it either and she goes no stop stop and i literally after was she gagging when she said she's like angry she it's like a mixture of both it's just she's so dramatic like if i were to do that like she'd be like the way you said that was so perfect she's so dramatic um but then after i literally was like what like i i gave you one thing i said don't bring up mayonnaise what do you do you bring up mayonnaise and he was like, what the – like I gave you one thing. I said, don't bring up mayonnaise. What do you do? You bring up mayonnaise.

And he was like, I didn't know that she wasn't going to like it like that. Like I thought that she was going to – That we're going to bond. I understand the thought process there. Yeah, exactly. We'll bond over this common thing we don't like. Anyways, so that's always something I have to ask on a first date. That makes sense.

I remember meeting my girlfriend's parents like a few years ago uh and like seeing her parents like i think we like gone to her parents house and i was wearing a sweatshirt or whatever i was wearing and i came out in a t-shirt and i i we were like talking and i was just like leaning on something like kind of like that yeah and i only had one tattoo at the time i think but it was i had it on inside my forearm yeah i remember seeing her eyes just like lock in and like just not move the entire time i was like i feel like there's a tattoo thing and was she jewish uh was she jewish i don't think so no no no she wasn't religious at all because when she came to my house we like we would sleep in bed together when we like stayed at her house and when she came to my house her her mom told me she's like don't worry i already talked to her like i know your

parents are catholic like she's probably ready, she knows she's probably not sleeping in bed. And I was like, I mean, my parents are Catholic, but they're not, like, psychos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's fine. But it was the first girlfriend I ever brought home, and I remember the first night, I was like, I'll go sleep somewhere else,

which, like, wasn't in order from my parents at all. It was, like, almost like her mom got in my head. Yeah. Where I was like, are we not? So, like, I think I slept on the couch the first night, and then we started sleeping together. That's something that's, like uh good about an older sibling is like my older sister was never like whenever she brought a boy home like was never allowed to like be in this like sleep in

the same room like when she started dating in high school all like the guys had to like come to the door shake their hands like even on the first date and she was like this is fucking crazy this is not like the 1950s or whatever and then like when i think i did that i think i did all that really i think so i don't i don't really remember like i didn't like date girls in high school i had like you take them out on dates ever not really we kind of just hung out as like a group we all just kind of like got incestual with it. Yeah. Thursday night, tonight Ruffin Rowdy returns to Providence January 25th. 20 amateur matchups and

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But if you're available in your home, go to buy rnr.com watch it you will not regret it we got main the main events they include a dwarf title fight bobby lang defending his heavyweight belt against a 6-6 monster vicky d versus a 39 year old angry mom and lord burns versus the backflip ninja um i don't really know much about any of that except bobby lang bobby lang is like the toughest fighter you've ever seen in your life you know when you're like you used to grow ninja um i don't really know much about any of that except bobby lang bobby lang is like the toughest fighter you've ever seen in your life you know when you're like you used to grow up being like who's the toughest kid in the neighborhood bobby lang is the toughest kid in the neighborhood every single time the neighborhood is the internet bobby lang's

the toughest guy in the neighborhood um obviously afterwards there will be a live ring girl contest after the final bell the pay-per-view is available to watch on buy rnr.com and the replay is available for the following week come watch new england locals set of their feuds with fights with fists and spit it's going to be a night of pure disrespect check it out by rnr.com i i mean that kind of leads me to i i i might take this out because i don't want to so i've how long is this podcast gonna be 10 minutes long calm down i can't do that um i this guy like i have a date on thursday and it just like a hinge date no this guy like i just see him in parties and he like

you know who do you hang out with you have la friends here um yes but that group it's a whole drama thing but yeah so like half of them half like new york people who have met new york do you meet them where do you meet people well so a lot of it bars and become friends actually a lot of my friend or one of my my best friend went to boarding school and so a lot of her friends are east coast and so I met through them. Or like some will be like she, it's like friends of friends, East Coast people. I just noticed your finger for the first time.

Is it dry? No, just long. Usually when you're talking, it catches my eye. This time, it has in the whole episode. And then as you were doing that, I just hyper, I was almost like my ex-girlfriend's mom with a tattoo it's just like this is this is i actually um i i really do inside my head i see exactly what's happening but me inside my head is dodging there's been so many times where like nobody picks it up on the podcast but you'd be like whoa it's so funny and then every time i'm always like damn thank god nobody heard that or i'll take it

out i'll just be like nobody could have heard it anyways um i but i also kind of feel like okay do you feel like in person my hands because they don't photograph well like they really don't photograph well they look my arms and my hands look ginormous in photos. Do you think when you see me, are you kind of like that hand is like aggressively long? No, only when you're being aggressive with it. When you are being, when you like aggressively point at me or something like that, it feels like a lance. I do really like, it's also like now my knuckles are all dry and everything like that. And my hands are just kind of like, and I've been cracking my knuckles like for a while. They're really becoming like not dainty.

They're long and now they're just becoming like thick and crusty. Like it's really like a not attractive feature on me. I got to figure it out. What was I saying? Oh, anyways he okay well so first of all red flag is like i don't like when people put me on a pedestal and so he's always like kind of come up and been like like tried to like talk to me and like he'll like dm me or whatever and like he's been like kind of you know how he says phone numbers are you guys you're gen z you guys dm yeah yeah i guess i don't know and nightmare

so then i he ended up like then the last time i saw him he was like can i like take you out or whatever and sober or drunk drunk nice obviously drunk i'm wondering what age people are when they start asking each other out sober i know i kind of am like scared for that like i don't think i would ever have the gut i don't think i'm ever gonna hit it yeah like i need a healthy buzz before i'm like hey should we talk sometime that makes me like so happy to be girl like think about a guy and like if i go to the movies with a guy i'm like just like damn they're probably so in their head being like, do I grab her hand? What do I do?

That seems stressful. And I get stressed out for that. I'm like, you don't have to touch me. Literally, keep your hands off me. I know that you're going to feel the need to do something. I just want to get out of here seamlessly. Yeah. Very much so.

But the point, this is kind of all counterintuitive because just nobody courts. I want to be courted like they do in the 1950s. This guy, he asks, he goes, where do you live? And I was like, Midtown or whatever. And he was like, yeah, so we won't be going to dinner there. And I was like, okay, first of all, don't bash Midtown. First of all, fucking Cobb is pretty good. Yeah, exactly.

Dig in. Love it. And then he, so he lives in tribeca so he was like we'll we'll go to tribeca which first of all it's like that's the opposite way for me and it's the opposite way it's just it's just really far from me well it's not the opposite it's just downtown shut up it's just not where you live it's not the opposite of anything but like we could have gone like west village that would have been a good middle ground yes okay i see what you're saying anyways i have to go all the way to ribeca and i was like

ha okay i'm at least gonna make you like pick the place and he was like okay got it sounds good and then he was then he sends like a little bit later he's like can you at least send me recommendations for you want to go so i was like so i'm just doing all of this and then i was like yeah fine like i will and then like then i didn't respond but i just know that like like if he asked to split the bill too it's just like chivalry's dead so this is gonna be out before your date yeah i'm probably gonna take it out honestly i'm thinking about it because like i i don't want to getting back to him he also like was like trying to because i never responded to his dm and then he was like trying to show me his dms and it was literally he had to scroll five pages

for something a week ago and he goes sorry they're all damning me you have like 2 000 followers no they're fucking not oh oh oh oh i think he's throwing dms he'd sent to you that were no no no no okay that's better i guess that's uh yes this guy doesn't sound like he's starting off on the best no he's just not starting out on the best foot and it's making me like angry towards men it's like fucking and greta didn't even get nominated exactly anyways so it just pisses me off just like fucking take a girl to dinner take your out to dinner i actually i don't like dinner i don't like dinner i that i would be that i'm pretty good at it is the it is always 100 of the time in the ex-girlfriend's favorite restaurant but i i am

pretty good at choosing i'll be i'll just we'll go here and it's just a pull i mean we've said this before on the show but like it's just a place a girl has taken me that i like yeah that's actually kind of funny it's like the you know like the the like someone else cooked here yeah everything it's like now that's like in the back of my head kind of it's like it's like if it's an aesthetically pleasing place like someone else cooked here. Yeah. Yeah. I – so do you take your girl to dinner first? Never first. But like at some point I will.

And it's – I don't – like again, I've never like been on a date. Like it's like – That doesn't seem like your vibe. It's not my vibe. It's – like eventually once we start – like if we're going to dinner we've had sex before yeah yeah yeah museum though wasn't that like first date that was the first date but that was like yeah i guess that was a true first date that was probably the only no i've been i guess you know that's a lie i've said a million times that i've never been on first date i've probably been on two and uh that's so wild for to say nobody wants to court anybody anymore no it's the other first one

i think i've told this story but the i was like i lived in boston and i was like just meet me in the common we'll go for a walk yeah and brought water bottle of wine wait meet me in the common boston common oh and we went just like walked around the boston common i brought water bottles of wine and then we watched mensley softball went out with the team, went back to her apartment afterwards. And I walked in the door. She hung up her keys. And on the keychain hook was a leash. And I was like, oh, do you have a dog?

And she's like, no. And I was like, what do you mean you don't have a dog? What is that leash? She's like, I have a cat. And I was like, what do you mean you have a cat? Why is it? What is that? That doesn't, you know, it's like, do have a cat. And I was like, what do you mean you have a cat? Why is it? What is that? That doesn't, you know, it's like, do you have a dog?

Like, no, I have an orange. The leash doesn't matter. And she's like, no, I walk my cat. And that was literally the last thing we ever talked about. Really? Yeah. That was right behind you? We, like, hooked up that night.

We didn't have sex. We, like, hooked up that night. And then I don't think I ever talked to her again. Because of the leash walking i can't be dating girls walking a cat around town it's a wild that's a crazy thing to do i will say like i prefer somebody like walk a lizard like then then a cat it's just it's also just like you don't need to do that the cat just fucking cats fine dude i guess but yeah some of them actually like i will say i kind of get sad when i think about cats like has anybody asked the cat if they want to walk nobody really asked if they want to walk i guess i mean they make a leash

it's there's got to be something to it but my friend has a cat and like that cat does really seem like it wants out like it wants a walk for sure i had a buddy who lived in dc once who i i visited him and he's like there might be a cat there and i was like what do you mean there might be a cat here and because i i was he left a key for me for his apartment and he's like, there might be a cat there. And I was like, what do you mean there might be a cat here? And because I was, he left a key for me for his apartment. And so he wasn't there that weekend. I was just staying there. Yeah.

And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, yeah, I got a cat. And I was like, so why might it be here? And he's like, I leave the window open. He comes and goes.

I was like, how long does he go for? Sometimes he'll disappear for days. People let like cats fly with like a lot of things. It's like the other day I got like, how long does he go for? Sometimes he'll disappear for days. People let cats fly with a lot of things. The other day, I got such a cringe because I was at a restaurant, and they were like, do you have any allergies? And just for some reason, by default, I was like, cats. I was like, sorry.

I don't know why I said that. That's not what you meant. And they had no idea it was on they're like sorry about your cat um anyways um yeah do do chicks ever get like what do you do do you get sick of looking at yourself in the mirror no no uh no actually yeah i i will go through periods that's when i got the nose job is I was going through a period where I was kind of like, I'm so sick of looking. There was one period where I was kind of like,

but not really. Do you get sick of looking at yourself in a mirror? Today, I was like, why do I have this stupid fucking kind of beard? I hate it. I was sick of looking at the other thing. Now I'm kind of sick of looking at the beard, so I guess I'll probably shave it.

I was wondering, I can just do this and it takes like you know a few weeks or a month whatever it's been like what what does a girl do when she gets sick of looking at herself cut your hair no makeup i think that's probably why girls don't get because it's also like you could switch up your makeup routine and then you look completely different makeup yeah that makes thought about makeup. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. It makes me sad that guys will never understand how fun it is to put on makeup, especially like before a night out, like getting ready for a night out. And you're just like, before it's like, my hair is greasy. I have all my self-tanner still on. Like, I look disgusting.

And you're like, but in an hour? Like, I'm going to like do, not an hour. It's like, after like an everything shower and everything and you're like but in an hour like i'm gonna like do not an hour like it's like you after like an everything shower and everything you're just like damn and it's so exciting just be like i'm gonna be you just transform and you watch this transformation so looking at a pile of wet clay be like i'm gonna make the coolest vase out of this yeah a lot of sculpture talk today um and it's just something that you guys are never gonna like you're never stuck with your face i'm always stuck with my face as a girl oh yeah i see what you're saying yeah yeah yeah

yeah is that bum you're out you're just like no because that's why i do like i like row whatever this is or i'll fucking grow a mustache i think that's different for a little while yeah i think it definitely i i think a lot of guys here, and guys in general, but I think guys here don't take advantage of the fact that you can just look different. Other jobs where you have to be more respectable, you have to always look somewhat presentable. Here, it doesn't fucking matter.

Cut your hair off. Fucking shave your beard. Grow a beard. Grow a shitty mustache. Who fucking cares? It's fun, right? It's like playing dress-up still. We get to play dress-up as adults.

Why not? Yeah, but you can't control that. are you gonna shave your beard yeah probably are you gonna go clean shaven mustache i'll probably keep the mustache have there's a are you gonna do the handlebar mustache again because you looked really fucking creepy that period you can get creepy with it it's funny because like um it's just so mean but like no i don't want to say it like trent for there's a lot of people i don't mean to me no no well like i would say a lot of men here out of context of like you guys being like the nicest guys ever a lot of you guys could look like creepy pedophiles oh 100 i think that's any guy

yeah a lot of guys just look like creepy yeah most i'd go so far as to say 90 of men look exceptionally creepy it is kind of like what we talked about like when you're in an airport you realize like most of these people are ugly. Dude, airports are rough. Yeah. If you couldn't, if you like say one day like the world snapped, you're in an airport. It's like you can only date people in here right now. It's a tough spot for everybody.

But then there's like always that like one cute person in your. It's like when people talk about like the sexual tension of the one person your age yeah there always is at least like one okay wait this is actually another theory or thought that i had when you walk into a room i think that girls tend to do this my sister and i were at least talking about this when i walk into a room i like scope out the room all the girls in the room to see like, like, am I the prettiest here? Where you stand? Yeah, where you stand. When you walk in, do you do that in a room where you're just kind of, like?

I don't do it. It's not, like, the second I walk in, I scope it. But, like, I will note things as I'm, like, just generally looking around. Yeah. I'll note where I am height-wise. I'll note where I am physical wise i'll know where i am physical appearance wise i i noticed dress first i know i'll notice if i'm oh yeah the best dress i think obviously everyone has their own first thing i did you get in your head about the sweaters today

what's that did you get in your head no i'm wearing a sweater yeah i know people the people the comments are gonna be filmed people are talking dude i have this has been a pretty sweater heavy winter for me yeah um i feel like you've always been into sweaters i've always liked them but like i usually mix it up i've worn i've definitely worn way less hoodies this year yeah it's been pretty uh and colorful sweater heavy except for today yeah but um i i also feel like i've kind of been i've i kind of have been inspired i think by you and pabs to start wearing more sweaters i've worn a little less hoodies a little bit more pabs has been a real catalyst to yeah because you can't be you gotta fucking there's a silent competition happening every day where you can't have that's probably why i don't wear as many hoodies because it's like well

fucking pass is gonna be dressed today i gotta get dressed which is nice i i appreciate it i'm happy to have the you know that that pavs thinks though that you like copy him pavs thinks i copy him kind of like he's he jokes about it but he's like I'm just saying I started wearing like fun pants bro my pants if anything have toned down I wore more fun pants last year

this has been a sweater season I was more of a fun pant guy too I got oodles of fun pants I've stopped wearing I just don't wear as often anymoreodles of fun pants i've stopped wearing not stop wearing i just don't wear as often anymore i don't get rid of them i just don't wear them as often i got fun pants out the wazoo from year two three years ago perhaps we gotta talk bud i'm and like he said that jokingly so mostly just like throwing him under the bus but i do think that a part of him believes that

and then he said something i'm gonna start wearing fun pants now so you can see how i have not been wearing fun pants just how fun my pants fucking get um yeah he was saying something else so i think that you should send him in his place yeah all right fun pan season starts now fun we also never did the um fit checks never did the fit checks but like i can't like i'm not really i don't want to do that. Okay. Because I'm not like fitted out. But maybe I will be more. I just want you to do me something real quick. It's going to be mean.

I feel like you have a face that's like you're pulling up something kind of mean. No. I'm just. Can you take your Twitter out real quick? No. Oh, fuck. I knew. Oh, my God.

I knew that face was like. I just had Pinterest up and it was a scroll down. And I'm happy that you didn't scroll. It gets really sad. Okay, what? Okay. These days, I. Okay, what? Okay. These days I haven't been sleeping. No.

Staying up playing back myself leaving. When your birthday passed and I didn't call. My ex's birthday just passed. No, did it? Okay. I actually don't remember if it's January or February. I don't think he follows me on Twitter. But, okay. These days, I haven't been sleeping.

What's the latest again? This is at least, it's Taylor Swift. So, people will be like, it's just a Taylor Swift theory. I honestly probably would have been like, can we please not if it wasn't playing. God, these are some... If this is going to affect your personal life, we can do something else. I don't think he follows me on Twitter. Okay.

Your birthday has passed, and I didn't call. All right. I think that's about it. Okay. Well, do you want to finish it off with trains yeah well yeah we were gonna obviously end with trains um do you think a train like i i guess it was posted yeah i guess it works because people do it but like when i see a train coming in the morning i'm like if i jumped in front of every morning i think every single morning i'm like if i jumped in front of that i don't think think every single morning, I'm like, if I jumped in front of that, I don't think I'd die. But maybe it's because I'm just towards the end of the track and the train – if you're going to do it, it's just future reference to everybody. Yeah.

I think you've got to be right where the train starts coming in. You've got to be at the front of the track. I think it's – that's actually a great theory. Yeah. And it does make me sit and think. What? What's that? Yeah.

Yeah. And it does make me sit and think. What? What's that? Yeah. The board. Yeah. Oh, yes. Oh, no. God, that's embarrassing. What's that for? One more. We just have one more.

Is the chalk over there? We can mark it off. I don't know where any chalk is. There you go. That's a long hand. It was crusty too, let me tell you. All right. If you're going to jump in front of a train, do it from the front unless you have something else to add.

No, but I just will say I think that trains are – it's one of those things where when you're in front of it, you don't realize how fast it's coming because I remember – But it's definitively slowing down. That's why it's – Yeah, but I think you're – Where Kirk went, Kirk could have done it. But at a subway stop, I feel like – I don't know. I feel like – I guess it's more – Trains are really heavy.

Yeah, but I guess it's more... I wonder where you die. Do you die as the splat when you're getting hit? Or do you die, it hurts, and then knocks you down to the tracks, and then it runs you over, and that's how you die? Because that makes more sense. Again, it could be different if you're at the front of the track. Where I stand on the track, I'm like, I think that would hurt, but I don't think that would take me out. But then if I fell to the track and it ran me over, yeah, then it lights out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. but then if I fell to the track and it ran me over yeah then it lights out yeah yeah okay alright stuff island time

bro speaking of little piglets I was watching the clip of you guys the other day talking about if your girls acted like you that's that's that's one of the best I've ever seen I think only scumbags like us can really get into it.

Well, I was thinking about it, too, because, like, I was thinking about it the other day with, like, I was watching a show. And it was just, like, a show that takes place in a town where everyone's fucking normal. And I was just thinking about, like, people I grew up with. And I was like, if I told them how I lived my life. Yeah. They're just, just like accountants and lawyers yeah doctors and like and i was like i was like dude last year i had pizza for breakfast 200 how are you alive i'm like that's what everyone i know does yeah i don't know like why are you

going to the doctor after this you tell me something's catching up to me dude one of those questions we have in answer the internet is you know when you get to the doctor after this? You tell me something's catching up to me? Dude, one of those questions we have in Answer the Internet is, when you get to the pearly gates, what's if you could only know one stat about your life? Yeah. Things like that. How many times was I just like a despicable dude? What I ate, what I drank, how I lived.

Every morning I wake up and I'm like, I wish I left all the booze on the table. Just like, I did that? You know what I mean? You throw it out every time you finish a beer or a bottle of wine or liquor. I would 100% want to know how many times I jerked off. That's the classic. It's like when you buy a vape and it's like 5,000 puffs and you go through it in a day. Dude, I'm currently chafed right now dude I was in Austin walked chafed from burning I beat the fuck out of him what did two nights ago no yeah I went like five or six in an hour what I was over wings I company huh all alone or with, have you beat up six times in front of someone? You changed the channel, dude.

No, my Uncle Benny was there. I didn't want to be rude and tell him to go home. Again! Again! Jesus Christ, Tom, it's been 20 minutes. Dude, five or six at your age? Yeah, it's nuts. Your dick is

begging for mercy. I'm trying not to get to that point where like your sexual activity slows down I'm trying to keep it inactive where like obviously I'm not as horny at bro. I was just like opposite I'm like I've dropped recently and I'm like thank God. Yeah, thank God. I'm not fucking king. No, I'm! I think we've done this every time we've done this show together. Listen, Kyle. I think Kevin was divorced before you guys ever met. I listened! Kyle!

No, but you're right, though, because it's not about really being married. It's more about having kids. Once you live in the family, like, the shit he's talking about is like... They drain your blood in different ways. That's it. Yeah. They drain it all. about yeah is like they drain your blood in different ways yeah what's crazy though is like I'm I got one foot in each world yeah because when I'm with the kids like the other day I took my my daughter and my son and they each had a friend come so I'm like the parent watching other kids now go to a fucking

rock climbing wrong topic to say, call me. Each of their friends came and that was good enough for me. Why spoil their fun with my cum? You want to get in the sports, guys? Dude, I walked in here and there was a How about those flyers? We're not talking Dude, I walked in here. There was a bro, this... How about those flies? We're not talking angels, I'll tell you that.

Fucking this little Mexican lady is walking up to the guy in the front, and she's like, dude, you Spanish? And he's like, un poquito. And then she asked him something.

I don't know what she said, and he was like, nah, he's like, it's MLK Day. They're closed. And I get in the elevator, and I was like, did you hear that? MLK Day was yesterday. This guy's black MLK Day. They're closed. I get in the elevator and I was like, did you hear that?

MLK Day was yesterday. This guy's black. Chris goes, they're always late. I didn't say that. I would never say something like that. The doors are closed and they're always late. Bro, that's a great excuse to not speak Spanish. Can't I get one day off? That's an MLK day, babe.

Oh, God. It's good to see you guys. Oh, yeah, but yeah, I mean, I get to live like a scumbag when I'm not with my kids, and then I have to clean up and be like a dad. Yeah. And, I mean, thank God I get like a scumbag when I'm not with my kids, and then I have to clean up and be like a dad. Yeah. And, I mean, thank God I get some scumbag days. Yeah. The poor bastards who are just like.

Is that why you leave this place a fucking wreck? Yeah, pretty much. I can, you know, wallow in it. But, I mean, I know guys that are just like us, that would love to live the way we're talking, and they just can't ever yeah like i get a little reprieve i get the kids i send them home yeah and i'll play video games till my eyes bleed you know to be honest guys who just want to play forget about boozing fucking party like they just

want to play video games and they just can't because they either have their kids all the time or they have a wife who won't let them, or a job that sucks, or whatever. And it's like, I tip my cap, because those are real men. We're not men. I'm getting to the point where I want kids so I can calm down. Yeah. Now I'm getting to that age where, like, give me a wife and kids. It's the ultimate, like, you will stop yourself. Yeah.

Because you'll tell yourself, you'll commit to working out or not drinking or whatever, and you always slip up, but you got kids. Worst nightmare is IOD while she's pregnant. It's like, I was so close. I like how people walk in. People occasionally have a kid to save a marriage. Yours is like, I'm just trying to save a life. Yeah. I'm just trying to save my own life.

It's not even about the stripper I impregnated. It's like, I want to calm down. I remember, you know, I guess I can't say it for her, but Caitlin certainly was like, I can't do these hangovers anymore, so let's have a hangover. It's like, we're not going to have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know so many cheaper ways to stop having hangovers.

Speaking of hangovers, I brought you guys our beer Oh, fuck yeah Let's go Look at that packaging Isn't it nice? This is, I've seen this a lot on Whatchamacallit On Instagram You guys have been working on this for a while, right?

Yeah, yeah It actually came fast If you like IPAs, you'll love it It's got a very dank and stinky I like how I'm just It's got a very dank and stinky... I like how I'm just... It's only $4. Which is good, by the way.

I like that. Give me one of those. You go to the doctor after a doc. I've tried everything. I had a beer this morning. Oh, yeah, fuck! I was going to the doctor. Now you can fix it.

You got a fucking IPA for breakfast. And also you called 1pm breakfast so I needed some quick calories it is lunch dude what um Finbeck

what is the process like you like tested and all that shit yeah no we went we just we happened to

fall in like a perfect scenario because usually like breweries when they do collaborations it's usually with another bar it's like two teams jerking each other off for nothing because the bar's already selling the beer, the bar already

exists, the brewery's already doing well and there's no beer podcast that has a sponsorship so I just reached out to this dude I knew I was like yo I'm a big fan of Finback and all your IPAs, what do you think about collaboration so we had a couple meetings IAs. What'd you think about collaboration? So we had a couple meetings.

I pitched. What's Finbeck? Are they like? They're in Brooklyn based, but they're also Queens and LIC now, but they're like, it's like a craft. It's a beers.

Like if you're a beer snob, you know what Finbeck is. It's like, it's up there. That usually, not turns you up, but scares me. Like knowing beers

and stuff like that. Well, these fuckers are at a different level. I mean, they're chemists, dude. So we went in there. Dude, we learned it with the whiskey, like talking to people who literally have a chemical engineering degree. Yep. Oh, they're brilliant.

And she was like, I just didn't want to do like nerd shit, so I applied it to booze. I was like, fuck yeah. Yeah. So we picked out the hops. We just like, everything was just so perfect, dude. Like, we flavored our own beer In a sense with their help But we picked out like three different hops And then it sat there for like I don't know

Two and a half weeks Then we got there yesterday for the canning Oh that was yesterday This is Brandon The packaging is cool I got this little like iridescent thing Our merch guys designed the label So there's four different labels

The sun's falling and Bert and Ernie are falling away. Oh, wow. That is, yeah, you got to really look. The first one, we're a tie. Oh, fuck, Andy. I thought that was a boat. This is the second one. You see that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it now. That's very cool. Just bleep out that Bert and Ernie so we don't get in trouble. I was going to say, can you guys say that? Well, it's just a shadow of those two fucking guys. I was going to say, that doesn't look like Bert and Ernie so we don't get in trouble. I was going to say, can you guys say that? Well, it's just a shadow of those two fucking guys. I was going to say, that doesn't look like

Bert and Ernie to me. You guys see this is, here, as a guy who fucking violates copyright. There's a caricature of all the time. I was going to say, let me tell you,

you want to leave, you're leaving breadcrumbs right now, brother. You got to be like, I don't know what you're talking about. I never heard of that character before. Let me tell you,

as someone else who's done this, do the opposite. You want to get sued by Sesame Street. The best thing that happens, you get a cease and desist from Sesame Street, and you're the scumbags who are stealing Bert and Ernie, and that's news and all that shit. Yeah, we're new to this business.

The best thing you can get is a, like, we're, we have to take you seriously. Yeah, literally. From Sesame Street. Yes. we have to take you serious literally from Sesame Street when they're like you're big enough that we have to do something about this but you're not big enough that we're gonna like actually like sue you you know like take your money the best cause they send you the letter

you get to post it on Instagram and you stop but you get to be like we got sued by Sesame Street for this beer it's a great fucking story I don't know what's gonna come of this but it was a small batch, only 20 kegs. Honestly, like, that's the way to do it, dude. Did they sell the cease and desist in like a tote bag?

Thanks to your contributions, we can afford this legal deal. I think, you know, having done all sorts of merch for a long time, the merch we did, whether it's clothing, products, drinks, food, whatever, the shit we did when we liked it

and we just did it because we liked it was always the best. And I don't know, maybe that lines up financially, maybe it doesn't. I can definitely tell you the times we were just churning things out to churn them out and they didn't make any money

because that sucks. And I can tell you there's passion projects that bombed because we were the only ones who liked it. For sure. But when you hit that sweet spot where it's like, this makes a little bit of money or gives us some notoriety

or gives us some credibility. Yep. But the main reason is like, I like going to the brewery and hanging out with the guys and having my own can and that shit. It's like,

you can do that forever whether it makes money or not. Well, that was the fucking best part about yesterday is we got to try it for the first time and it's actually

fucking really good. Yeah. That's a relief too, right? It's weird to be like shit somehow. I think they know how to make sure. They're not going to let you make a shitty drink. Yeah, of course. We did the same thing with whiskey.

We were like, I don't really know, but I like it smoky, but I like it spicy, and I also like it smooth. Can that happen? Yeah, yeah. We'll figure something out. You guys were with Whistlepig, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Is that still going on? No. The main guy who brokered that relationship moved on to a cannabis company. They have this farm up in Vermont with a little cottage and a professional chef. And you can stay there for the weekend if you're part of the friends and family and shit. Really? So we went up there a couple times as the group. I went up there a couple times personally.

And then when the guy like he the guy jason left i was like probably not gonna be able to go back to that cottage anymore am i it was a summertime thing they take you on a boat wintertime thing yeah i remember the picture so sick hanging out with the pigs yeah but they're done with us That's the masturbation up there What's the beat off humidity At this time of year Jerk off scene What's the nightlife like You mean the jerk off scene

Me jerking off in my room by myself That's the nightlife Are you still You still jerking off as much as you Like always did No I got a girl So I haven't I haven't been

And I like been trying That's got nothing to do with it Wait wait I don't get that either Like trying I can understand if it, like, have been trying not to. That's got nothing to do with it. Wait, wait, wait. I don't get that either. Like, trying to, trying. I can understand if it's, like, ordinarily I'd be jerking off right now when I'm having sex. I get that.

Yeah. But you make a conscious effort to not jerk off? Yeah, well, I. I keep those separate. Yeah, beating off is like eating. That's what I'm saying. He's always complaining about his cum dribbling out of his dick. Jesus.

Whoa, whoa. Some things are made for our couch, Chris. Are you not? Listen. No, I'm just saying. Your couch is our couch. Our couch is our couch. Yeah, true.

I'm saying. Literally, there's probably cum on the couch. I don't have the force of a 23-year-old. Is that what you mean? I'm saying if you weren't jerking off six times in an hour, you might be throwing ropes again. See, I don't know. Let's break that down scientifically. Because usually the more you use a muscle the more no no no we are talking about

maybe the may you might be right that the like the force is getting stronger but we're talking about a finite resource of cum that that dwindles yeah yeah but he says why because you gotta get your common rest. This much? This much? You need five days of rest. How long is he supposed to? You're talking about your arm. He's going 12 innings.

Yeah. He's like old burlap sack Hatton from 1998. Who threw 400 innings. But I'll be in the fucking Hall of Fame, boys. I genuinely don't know how long it takes to replenish a tank. I figure it's just right back. It's hours. It's hours, yeah.

But it's not. I don't think it is. It's not hours for the whole tank, but it's enough to... There's jelly in the jars. It's like toothpaste in the tube. You can cut it and stuff get in there. Shampoo, you put the water in, shake it up, you get a little extra out of there.

It's also, it's like there's friction there. Shampoo, you put the water in, shake it up, get a little extra out of there. It's also, it's like you're, you know, there's friction there. You're going to be wearing down the sensitives. There's a lot of things. There's the outside equipment, the inside equipment. There's the liquid. There's the muscle. I'm saying give it a shot. I mean, wait.

I'm not making five days. I'm not doing it, so quit asking. Actually, you know what? This is true. I looked into this because I want to see what my kids are doing. If they're doing backstrokes or swimming in circles, I want to see if I can still make a kid. It's just a fear of mine because I want a child.

Doing a real good job at that. I said, well, I wanted to wait, Kev. No, you have to wait between like two and at least three days, no more than seven. Wait, wait. To beat off to go get your shit tested. Oh, okay, okay. So you can't beat off for three days. Yeah, because you probably have to have like your best cum.

Yes. Yeah. If you have the bottom of the barrel jelly, it's like that might not be swimmers. Or they're in the hot tank too much, they all die. Right, right, right, right, right. So I'll let you know when I set the date. Wait, wait. Oh, yeah.

Set three days. I'm right, right, right. So I'll let you know when I set the date. Wait, wait. So you have to set a date and then wait three to seven or you have to... Yeah. Okay. That's a big difference though, three to seven.

Yeah. I'm waiting three if I'm you. A hundred percent. Dude, I am running full speed. So we need to make a... I'm going to come

all over the desk. I'm like, can you scrape it up now? There better not be a hot girl at the front. She gives you like a little thimble. She's like, here, I'm going to need that fucking garbage. I'm going, can you scrape it up now? There better not be a hot girl at the front. She gives you like a little thimble. She's like, here. I'm going to be the fucking garbage.

I'm the pop! She's fucking. I'm like, Chris was right! She's fucking. You're walking in. White for the face off. Avoiding the door, the edges of the doors. You're like, I can't.

If I fucking just bump into something. Just bubble boy walking in. But wait, I'm going to have to be the person with the brain in the room here. It's 100% more cum if you don't jerk off. Jerk off. Yeah. I can't believe you guys. I get that.

Yeah, of course. Okay. That's the argument I'm making. It sounds like you are saying that there's always cum. It's like, no, if you jerk off a bunch, you will lose all the cum. You get more. If you can jerk off six times a day, if you stop that, you will have 15-year-old boners and you'll shoot ropes.

I am certain of that. Maybe not 15 because you're getting up there, but like 20. I'll take it. Beggars can't be choosers. You ever hang out with a 20-year-old girl? Jesus. I haven't done that since I was like 22. 22?

I don't want to do that anymore. Well, I didn't mean it like that. Jackie's turning what Like 23 And she's having like A breakdown over it I'm like shut The fuck up I should have a 23 year old kid

You could You could Yeah Right Exactly If I was a real pile of shit Tell her that on the way out Maybe she'll shut the fuck up

I was one of those deadbeats I went to high school with Yeah she's my love I met my 20 year reunion I was one of those deadbeats I went to high school with. She's my love. I met my 20 year reunion of high school just a couple months ago. Did you go? Yeah. Really?

Did you not go to yours? I went to, I think I went to one. I went to the 10 year and then I stopped. Yeah, I went to. Because it was the saddest shit in the world. There was only like 25 or 30 dudes. It felt like I was at a Polish American club. The lighting lighting was weird the food was dog shit and the women they age like rhinos well i thought like the hot girls dude the hot girls in my high school i would like they everybody want went after

yeah holy christ i feel bad for chicks on that level even as late as like oh nine ten eleven when we were still doing local smoke show of the day early barstool it was like uh guys girls whoever would would like this is the hottest girl in our sorority and we would yeah talk to them like and they'd be like a you know model for a day on the website and i remember seeing some of these girls being like i can't even fathom i didn't even know there was regular girls this hot yeah but it was like special because like you know you knew the girls you grew up with you know hollywood stars but you didn't know that like yeah and then instagram came along and yeah and so like girls like hot girls are now like i'm not that hot anymore yeah that sucks then you wake up

that used to be special and now it's like oh you're you only have like 500 000 followers you see a girl that hot you turn your girlfriend you's like Oh you're You only have like 500,000 followers You're not that hot You see a girl that hot You turn to your girlfriend And you're like Do you always talk like this? Is that how you sound? They're getting smart

The baggy clothes are coming back They did a great job with that The baggy clothes are coming back They're like Hey what if we dress like 90s shit? That's why I'm horny all the time That was my wheelhouse Gia was like,

me and Feidelberg have a staggeringly similar wardrobe at this point. You guys dress exactly the same. You can grab a Gen Z girl

and Feidelberg and it's like same shit. That's good, dude. He's got great style. Kid takes risks.

That's right. I fucking love you, dude. I'll clear your sickness. I'll take you out for a little spin you know We should be friends Two sips of beer on that baby

Wait wait Speaking of kind of this Two sips of beer taking me out I'm gonna send Pav something real quick Who? Pav's behind the Behind the desk up there Pav's

I want you to pop something on screen I just want to get some reactions real quick. Is this you? Huh? Is this something you dressed like? You in high school? It is. Not kid time?

I just want... Is this going to be a fashion-related thing? No, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing to do with me. Paz, I do know your name. I thought you said Pat. There's got to be 40 Pats here, right? In this building?

Sure, there's a fucking bunch of dumb... Two? Dumb Mick Pats. All these dumb... Two? Dumb mick pats. All these dumb Irish faces. You only got two pats? There's really not a lot of... You would think there'd be more dumb Irish micks, but there's really not.

Yeah. That's why I thought I was going to hate the Barstool show. Maybe we'll look into that. The Barstool show. Because half the people are... It's a civil rights show. I can't even look at it. Dude, that surviving Barstool was...

Oh, that Barstool show. Unbelievable. Did you watch it the whole way was fucking unbelievable. Oh, that Barstool show, yeah. Did you watch the whole way through? Yeah. Oh, I went home. I said on the podcast that you guys posted that clip, and I took a lot of shit for it, thanks, Kev, because I couldn't defend myself.

Because I said at one point I was like, I would never buy it. Shane's buying it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they cut that part for his clip, and then people gave me, I got like 20 private messages. Wait, wait, wait. I posted it with you saying that or not? You posted a clip when I did Matt and Shane's. Right.

And I, but I thought I cut it. At first I said, yeah. No, I said. No, no, I definitely cut it because I was like, that's not good for business. I said I, I didn't think I was going to like it. Yeah. Just because I thought there was too many, too many characters could be in it. And then I watched a couple episodes.

I was like, yo, this is exceptional. And then I went home. There was only three episodes left because Shane and I blew through in that week we watched it in Oklahoma we watched it in fucking

Texas dude what did you guys think it was like about the winner were you like happy with how big Will Compton thing yeah

he was my my show horse just because I want to take him out for a spin it would be great if I was just a closet again I'm I want to take him out for a spin. It'd be great if I was just a closet again. I'm just trying to fuck him. Wouldn't that be

so funny? Wouldn't that be like a funny bit that I've been working on for five years? Me and Tommy's entire text thread is just like, dude, you look good here. It is true. And then he goes, no, dude, you look good. I saw you. On camera, you look great.

Did you guys see the girl that Pedro Pascal brought to the Emmys last night? Fucking rockets. I'm not to Emmys. But look at this chick. This chick is an absolute dime. Like we talk about classic beauty, right? Oh, yeah. She's classic.

Jesus. I don't know if I need my glasses or you guys are out of your fucking minds. What? You don't think that's a hot chick? Objectively beautiful. What are you talking about? Like you wouldn't have sex with her? Why?

Is this shit? Hey, man. That's a pretty low bar. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. Dude, dude, dude. Dude, dude. It was too...

Oh, no. What do you think about this objectively beautiful woman? I fuck her. Bro. Well, guess what, gay boy?

I sent it to Kevin I texted it to Kevin last night You pick up your work The text exchange was so good I texted Kevin last night and I was like I saw this picture on Lux is no doubt gorgeous That's a pretty girl

And I was like Dude I knew Pedro Pascal had a trained. And I was like, I was like, dude, I knew Pedro Pascal had a trained sister and I was like, oh, god damn. Oh, it's his sister? Yeah. Well, yeah.

She's hot as hell. I've got no shame. None, dude. I was like, once it became clear that was his sister, I was like, I take nothing I said back.

Well, but it was funny because he was like, so I have to stand my ground. Wait, what? What did you say? Yeah, yeah, he had sex with this dude. You guys have any sponsors you need to hit up? I've already said it on many podcasts.

I'm not doing it today. Okay. Yeah, you are. Knowingly or unknowingly? Well, he was really horny in Final Burglar. Can you put on this red beard real quick? Here's some corduroys and a beard. I'm really in the hunting gear.

We might throw this hoodie on. This is literal hunting gear. It looks great. Wait, knowingly or unknowingly? There's a reason we both have knee pads on. You found out about it. I'll tell you the fucking story. Give me the abbreviated, but I got to know some details here.

It was after a show with Helium in Philly. Give me date, first of all. Date? The date. When did this happen? A year. This was probably 10 years ago, 8, 9 years ago. That's a very different, like, doing it now and doing it then, very different things.

Oh, no, no. Back then, like, there was no, you didn't know. Right. And they wouldn't say anything so i this when i say 10 times higher than this girl walks across the street i'm sure at helium and philly i'm sure no dude you want the abbreviated version you ever hang around 20th and Samson around 4 a.m. on Tuesday? They're beautiful. The babes. The absolute dimes. Oh, you son of a bitch. It's so true.

But for this example, I swear to God she was a smoker. Okay. Pick her up. No, she walks across the street. There's only like three people on the roads. It's like 3 a.m., right? All the bars are closed. They close at 2.

This girl walks across the street. You're literally talking about a street rat at 3 a.m. I know other ball bars are closed they close it to this girl She crosses the street I'm like this is the shady right and she's like hey do you have a light she didn't sound like that The most Tommy move ever is just being also a street weirdo at 3 a.m. Shitface. Someone else is on the street. He goes, he's a fucking idiot. Look around, asshole.

Chris, I was working. This bitch wasn't telling yuck yucks. Full cocaine eyes. Yeah, well, that's where it all started. She crosses the street,

asks for a light. I'm like, I don't smoke. And then she, this, you know, banter of, and I was like, well, that's where it all started. She crosses the street, asks for a light. I'm like, I don't smoke. And then she, you know, banter. And I was like, wait, are you working? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, look, you're fucking, you're smoking hot. But I have nowhere to go. Because at that time, I had a girl.

She's like, oh, come on, Tommy. I got this chick who only fucks with me Come back to my bachelor pad She's like I have somewhere And I was like alright It took me like no seconds And she takes me to this dirty bookstore Which is like a brand new dirty bookstore Where like you know it's got

It's got the videos it's got the magazines It's got the toys it's a fucking It's a target for porn right It's got it videos. It's got the magazines. It's got the toys. It's a target for porn. It's got it all. It was brand new. It was brand new. You can't say no on everything I said. I was there.

I know. After what happened, everything was etched in my mind. Such a weird qualifying. It wasn't an old dirty bookstore. You know when something severe happens to you, you never forget where it is. You gave me Play-Doh right now. I could build the inside of this fucking place. I like how you use the exact thing they do to find out past traumas.

Like exactly what they give children. Can you recreate the scene for us? Point where he hurt you. Mommy's bloody on the floor over here. I need more red Play-Doh for my ass Oh my god So anyway we walk in this place The lights are backlit And I'm thinking it's closed

The door opens and there's just a dude Like a big security guard guy Just sitting there and I was like Oh this is like a whole fucking racket Where these street whores bring dudes into And it had like you know nudie booths like the old nudie booths like where you go to like a a jerk-off booth they had jerk-off booths right so i guess that's where you take them to fuck them in the box there's a little

screen on the side of this wooden box beautiful woman there's a little screen on the box she's already looked brand new she's already huffing she's already she's already blowing me right so dude i'm nervous so i i'm taking money out of my pocket i'm trying to start the box up so i can pick a porn camera take her first baby the money's not going in the thing so i i have quarters again this is 10 years ago when you had change in your pockets I put a quarter in this fucking thing here rattle down the drywall It's just like all the way to the floor. I was like it's all facade Working at all so she's huffing and

Now we're sharing drugs right mm-hmm. So it's dark as fuck in this thing She turns around grabs me to insert we're having fun and then I feel it just oh yeah just it and then I Your belt's hitting me in the leg Get the fuck out And I stopped Stood back Almost got very violent It would have been like a gorilla in a fucking cage

This thing would have been timbered Then cooler heads prevailed So I finished I came in her ass and told her get the hell out of here and then I went fucking berserk and then I was like well you know you got it yeah you should be telling people that that's very dangerous for you I could fuck you up right now

and then just looking out for you hun just one let you know I could beat the shit out of you dude I was just so you know this could be very dangerous for you I have AIDS yeah holy shit

and then she she blew me but yeah it can happen to anybody well these days it's like they come right out and say I just wanna let you know you know

just wanna let you know you're at peace yeah I'm tired I'm tired I at peace. I'm packing. I'm carrying. I can't imagine. I'm part of the union. Just a touch.

Like a little pendulum clap is like, ooh. That's what's supposed to happen. So now I'm an ally for the people. Now I can say tranny and not get in trouble. Why don't you sleep with one by accident? There's no offending the community. Do not sleep with one by accident. Oh, my God. Do not clip this's true. I just sleep with my accent. Oh, my God.

Do not clip this at all. I swear to God, pass. Come on, baby. Once you accidentally suck a trans person's dick. I wish you a happy birthday, my dad. Jesus, Chris. I told Chris this once. I did podcasting For like three years

A couple years with Shane Before Chris and I started But the first year and a half I didn't tell any stories I was like You know Kept everything close Outside of just trying to be funny

And then finally I was like One day I just said One crazy fucking story Like the weight Off my shoulders Walking home I was like

I've been lying to everybody I swear to God It is terrifying People tell me to go to therapy I'm like I do it lying to everybody I swear to God it is scary people tell me to go to therapy I'm like I do it twice a week every day when I'm with this guy my boys

because honestly and then I clip it and then I exploit it and I try to squeeze every penny and when you don't get a lot of likes I get pretty fucking pissed

I regret everything I've ever done what am I even telling you this for no but like like at least we've always said, like, I know the problems I have and how to fix them. Yeah. So I'm not going to a therapist for them to tell me that.

I know the answer. Yeah. I need to get it off my chest. And I get it all off my chest here. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's not, don't try to fix me. Your job is to tell no one. Yeah.

That's your job right right otherwise i don't feel like we're connected i honestly i do genuinely think if if if you know being being the the attention whore egomaniacs that we all are deep down yeah we just want to laugh yeah and so that's every and every interaction i ever have is i just want you to laugh at something i say dude but if you're a regular ass person who knows you're not that funny you could probably go to a therapist and have a very fruitful conversation but if you're like us it ain't almost like i'm just gonna tell the punch lines i just don't believe it in therapy yeah i do think that we're gonna look back i think that there's real therapy and then i

think that there was you know the market exploded i think that there was, you know, the market exploded. I think talking it out is good. Yes. I think you should. The reason I would like to go to therapy is I want to go there. I want to say the worst things about, like imaginable, about the people I love most in the world. And I want them to legally not be allowed to say a word. That's what I, because it's like, a lot of it's just hot air.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want, I don't want you to even have a, you know, a reaction on your face when I say like, I want to fucking kill them with my bare hands. I don't want to, I don't want you to go. Yeah. I want you to just sit there. That's it. No.

See, I want them to, I want them to go like, they really said that. Well, yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah. I know you think I'm like, I want to be like, I want to be like in a courtroom. Yeah, yeah. One time,

one time I went and told a therapist everything that was going on and she just went, huh. And I was like, that's what I want. Thank you. Yes.

Even the professionals, like, jeez. That's, I would have got up and walked out. Yes. Like, we have about 55 more minutes of the session I'm good

I got all the work I needed today go back, I'll give you permission you can tell people, tell your friends about that I had the guy stop me in my tracks the other day I got caught in a regular guy hang recently, like a couple weeks ago and I was like out of my mind.

Just like dudes with normal jobs. Zero jokes. Nobody's having fun. It's like they're just talking normally about regular things. Oh, yeah. And I'm thinking every time they talk, I'm like, this is a setup for something wild. Yeah, yeah. No, so we had a good time.

What was the setting? I just waste two minutes of my fucking life. What was the setting? Where were you? A bar. Ugh. Yeah. I was meeting, like, friends of friends.

I was like, I gotta... Got that thing. Get the fuck out of here. I had that recently. We were, like, I was with, like, three of my best friends, and we were at a friend's 35th birthday party where there were, like, a bunch of people who, like, we kind of knew from high school

and stuff like that, and we were there causing... Yeah like not even like like being drunk and it's just like literally we were there we'd had one laughing yeah that was fun yeah yeah yeah and one buddy who like we hadn't seen since high school came over like a sweater with like the the oxford collar coming out of it and he just goes, so boys, what's the financial investment looking like? Oh my god. What's up dude, how you been?

And he's like, no, it's good, good. So what are you guys in? And we were like, we're leaving, we're leaving. Me, Graham, and G. We're out of here. We'll see you guys later. I can't even imagine like that life sucks yeah and you don't

realize it even like even the clothes like i know we you know we probably at least i'll speak for myself i know that i dress probably younger than i like i i'm pushing for i mean those puerto rican boots are teenage level but like but like i can't imagine Every day getting up Being like Put my khakis on And tuck my polo in And then I put my Sweater over my polo And I put on my loafers

And like Did you ever wake up I can't I couldn't do it You ever wake up from like An all nighter And then see people Going to work

And you're like I can't imagine That life And like meanwhile You're just like What a pathetic piece of shit Imagine living like that But at this great job're just like, what a pathetic piece of shit. Imagine living like that. He had a great job and a stable life and a family.

A barstool show would be great, like an alcoholic Olympics, where if you sat on a table what I consumed last night, and I go see my trainer, it's a bachelor party night every night. Right, right, right. You're still going to the gym. Create an Olympics around that. You know what i mean like there's like four or five yeah i remember uh when when when when uh you don't like it i like it no i i get what you're

saying i remember when when uh burke kreischer was having one of his you know crazy like i can do anything moments he was like i think i could step in the ring with stylebender and like you know jesus and like know, hold my own. Shut the fuck up. And so, of course, that was like so idiotic. But he was like, and then they kind of start talking through it. And they're like, but what if we get black? He has to drink as much as I drank the night before.

And then I have to fight like he fights the next day. So we both do our, what we're professional at. And, you know, you obviously still get your ass kicked. But like, you know, the next day, you know out of sanya after drinking a thousand shots and you know yeah yeah you know it does even the play don't even you know it's still still destroyed but i would like to see someone that's a bad example who their body is like you know perfectly tuned all the time and it's like now you come in the gutter with me. It's like Bane in the darkness. Yeah, try deadlifting 325 without shitting all over the mirror. You know what I mean?

Explosive diarrhea all over your partner next to you. Do you ever feel like, so you still work out a lot. Every morning. Right, so you're in shape, you're making shit, you're making content. So then do you ever feel like, oh wow, if I cut out drinking, I'd be like, I'd be the fucking. All the time yeah dude even when i drink half of what i used to i just got this new app that uh my boy turned me on to where

you count the number of drinks throughout the day so you set like a limit it's called sunny side it's a nice app shout out sunny side i started this app at like 12 a day which is like you're you're counting saying hi to a bartender. After you close out, you get a shot on the way out. That kind of thing. You got to add like all the small little deep, intricate details.

Yeah. You got to add on a shot. No fucking kidding. Tommy. No, they're really up your ass on this. You drink a full bottle of wine. Yeah.

You drive. I have a handle of whiskey. That's four glasses. That actually, there is a little bit of shots for no, no, a bottle of wine. You have a handle of whiskey? That's four glasses. That actually, there is a little bit of wiggle room. Oh, yeah, shots four? No, no. A bottle of wine.

Wine bottle. Dude, two bottles of wine is an appetizer. That's a joke. So that is a bad example. And this is over the course. If you have a beer at 6 p.m., you're staying up until 1 or 2. Yeah. But you're spacing out your beers.

You don't feel drunk, but it's still a lot of consumption. Yeah. You can't cut that down. You're being real fucking thick. Why am I being a dick? Okay, is this 12? I feel drunk, but it's still a lot of consumption. Yeah, cut that down. You're being a real fucking dick. Why am I being a dick? Okay, is this 12? Mike's got my posture in a very aggressive.

Is it more like you're doing like 24 on Saturday and none on Sunday and it averages out to 12? Or are you doing 12, 12, 12, 12, 12? Well, there's goals. No, no, the goal is like you. If you're doing 12 a day, you are fucking going hard, bro. Yeah, I know. The point is to get down to like the next week you set it like 10. Yeah.

You don't have to hit 12. Then you log what you hit, which is like eight. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then eventually you want to get down to like three days dry. Right. And then you take a whole week off and only drink on the weekends. This is called getting sober.

Tell me my drink. You guys don't do calls in January? Yeah, so wish me luck and shut the fuck up. Wait, so you started it, when did you start it? January. Oh, you started it, so you just started it. So it comes out weekly. They ask you, like, do you want to change your averages?

Do you want to? They have check-ins. On a big night, how much are you putting down? Jesus. If you had to guess. Yeah, you're probably right, like 20, 30. Yeah, 20, 30. Again, big difference.

Eight hours? What are we doing? Put your winter coat on. We're going to work. I do miss that. I mean, I can't even drink like one one hundredth of what I used to and I remember could you drink that bottle of whiskey in a night

now no I'd be fucking I'd be a wreck but like I was also never a big like I would never be the guy who like you drank a bottle of vodka but I do remember when you know it was like you're getting ready for a night or a party or whatever and it's like we all would go to the store and get a case each you know like this one's mine this one's yours

people show up like to a party with a case and it was like no this is for me this is for you and not saying I would polish off all of them every time but like you would drink a lot of them all the fucking time oh yeah you could go through yeah 25 beers your buddy just shows up with a six pack

you're trying to get your dick to work tonight that's what i mean where's the other 18 i did that right i the like last thanksgiving i drank i drank basically not at all this last year oh what i basically just didn't drink this i i drank in the last year what i usually drink in like a week really yeah are you kidding yeah the whole year basically i i had like a glass of whiskey here, a glass of wine there. It was impressive. Really? It was impressive. That's why your skin looks so nice.

Now the genuine compliments are coming out fucking shady. Just because this shit fucked it all up. I'm sorry, transsexual. You've drugged me like seven times. What's the problem with that? I don't think it's a big deal. It's not offensive, is it? People call me fucking Paps, short for Papa.

That's not too... Oh, yeah. Fine, right? Look, I think the four of us have final say. Yeah, we're good. It's the threatening to kill them when you find out. That was a little bit of a problem. That's only the fly in the ointment.

This isn't safe for you because I might beat you to death. That was toe in the line. That's the pube in the ointment. But yeah, you stopped drinking. But also, I had an app like that and I deleted it in like a week.

I was like, damn, this is dumb. I just won't do it. Yeah, but bro, you haven't? You stopped drinking? So I did, but I also, I had like an app like that, and I deleted it in like a week. Yeah. I was like, damn, this is dumb. I just won't do it. I don't, I don't. Yeah, but bro, you are a weird, you are a machine, man. You're weird. What's your voice? What do you get?

Do you smoke weed? Do you eat food, candy? It actually was too. I was eating so much. Also working out. I was going to say, being fat and sober is pretty low down there. Piles of shit. Like, if you're not hungover every morning.

Get to the fucking gym. Dude, he eats an astounding amount of bad food. Like, it'll just be like a bag of candy, plus a bowl of cereal, plus a fucking ice cream cone. They're all different. And a cake, and then a pizza. None of them require any preparation I was like am I And I was like well I was like maybe I'm an alcoholic

And so I just stopped And then I am a sugarholic Like I can have a sip of beer and nothing happens to my brain I have a piece of candy I'm immediately like I just start fucking I was telling him like I got home on Sunday And I had like a peanut butter cup And bro I just start fucking. I was telling him I got home on Sunday, and I had a peanut butter cup.

And, bro, I just ate candy from 4 p.m. to 1 a.m. Like, just fucking. I've always said about him, he's just a consumer. Not buying. He's like an alien who just like, you know, when they say an Independence Day, they just come and they take every resource on the planet and they move on. If it's candy, if it's booze, if it's working out, if it's drugs, whatever he's doing, he'll just do it to the max. I'd just fucking be about it, dude.

Yeah, but yeah. It's about that life. I like work, man. If we're going to fucking do it, let's do it. Get your hard hat on, get your lunch bag on, go to work. I feel the same way. We were talking about how he really likes espresso. And it's just like,

I can't drink. A little bit. Yeah. Right, right. I want to jug. Right, right. But that's all the, you can't when it's like that.

No, it's too strong. Well, I'm trying to, I'm trying to lessen all of my vices like that. Like I, I would drink three coffees throughout the day. Now I have one of those and then a shot of espresso So that's lessening I'm lessening my sugar intake Also when you stop drinking all those calories

You gotta fill it with other things I've cut down my candy consumption Took me a week and a half You know how much I used to eat candy Now I just have like one sour punch strip And I leave the bag The bag's still there in the morning It's like leaving a bag of cocaine

You gotta finish I do that like on purpose I did that when I stopped chewing tobacco I like and I didn't even like I wasn't like I need to quit dipping I was just like I haven't dipped in a few days I guess I'll just stop but then I had a tin still because I hadn't finished it and I left it on my kitchen

table for like three months being like you gonna do it to you little fat pig? yeah yeah I do think that you are I hadn't finished it, and I left it on my kitchen table for like three months being like, you going to do it today, you little fat pig? Yeah, yeah. I do think that you are an exceptional case of willpower because I think most people can't do that shit. You know what I mean? The fact that you can just stop it and go work out, leave it there, and I don't touch it.

I'll just stop drinking for a year. I mean, that's the rarity. Did your nightlife change? Yes and no. I went out less, but when I went out, I mean, that's the rarity. That's the rarity. Did your nightlife change? Yes and no. I went out less, but when I went out, I went out kind of the same. I come in home, like, a little earlier. Yeah. He's also very good about, like, going.

He still goes out and just will, like, go to a fucking show, go to a movie, go to, like. I'll have, like, a beer, but then I go to non-alcoholics. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you showing up to my short film release was fucking awesome. Dude, that was awesome awesome dude that was great that was all that's very special that was that he's the best guy in the world for that like if there's a an event that you know it's like you don't need to go but it would mean something

somebody what a sweetheart every time you were trying not to drink i would have been there no i just remembered it now for the most part i feel like it's been like it's not like i'm like oh my god john is a different person this year yeah but like i think the sketch show is great and i think you're like it is seeing clearly and like even on the podcast you're just funnier and like quicker or maybe it's chicken or the egg i don't know but i feel like good things have all happened since yeah for sure so it's like it's yeah listen if you're not getting fucking bombed on whatever you get bottom you probably will perform yeah better i mean we all know that yeah it was a real

that sucked like realizing that yeah when it was like it it's like, I could be average, and it's like, I think I'm funnier now. Fuck. That sucks. You know when people are like, I think, you know, I'm like afraid that if I don't drink, I'm like not going to be funny. Yeah. In a weird way, it's like the opposite of that, but it's like, fuck, now I have to stay

behind me. You almost want the excuse, like I have to do this for my job. It's like, no, I don't have to, and I'm actually better. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. You start like, no, I don't have to, and I'm actually better. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. You start, like, actually building a personality. Yeah, yeah.

I'm eating that in the way that you, like, remember stuff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Most of the time when you're going, like, when you're getting shit-faced and going out and trying to be funny, you're just like, it's goldfish time. What happened today? I also, I don't know, though. I think I might have early onset dementia. I'm starting to forget things more and more that I'm like, I absolutely should know.

Like we do the trivia thing here called the dozen. It's just like one guy writes trivia questions. And I'm like, you know, these are questions that I'm like, I absolutely knew the answer. Yeah, don't do that to yourself. No, but I'm, but now I'm like, maybe I should go like get my brain scan. Like when you start to forget, like, I'm not talking like. Basic shit. Yeah.

Or like, you know, like, I know who that is, but like sometimes they'd put a fucking movie star that I'm like, I know who that is. And I'm like, ah, what's his name? And I used to be able to lay in the plane and be like, oh, it's that guy. Yeah. Now it's like. We were talking about fucking Liza Minnelli and Humphrey Bogart. We forgot Humphrey Bogart.

Yeah, that's a tough one. But that's even, you know. Yeah, that's nothing. Like, you're forgetting modern day shit. Yeah. You're like. Barry Bonds. If Barry Bonds slips your head.

You know what I mean? Yes. Who's the guy from the Giants to fucking Royd head cut? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when you go. Like, go to the fucking doctor. Yeah, yeah. I've had a couple moments like that, but now I'm like, I don't want to go to the doctor

because I don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah, man. Like, you're gettingheimer's in 10 years i just yeah yeah whatever data they get it's like there should be like a number that it gets to where you go kill me when it hits yeah yeah yeah i mean if i have that i'll put that in my will for sure go to one of those pods in sweden just if die. If I forget Barry Bonds. The day that I get that question wrong on the dozen, literally just shoot me. Just shoot me, man.

I thought I was dying last night because of the sickness. What are the symptoms? Nothing. Honestly, it's just like I feel incredibly hungover. If I didn't know better, I would have been like, is this withdrawal or something like that? He was like sweating and shaking, but I know he's not. You're probably just fighting a cold.

Yeah, but when I get sick... Or you had 10,000 Reese's Peanut Butter Chops. When I get sick, I get sick. I never really get the cold. Are you throwing up? No, no, no, no. So last night I was like, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the end of it. Your life?

Yeah. And I was thinking about how I was going to handle it. Last night I came to the realization. You're just going to crawl in the back of the closet and die like a dog? I'm just out. Yeah. Well, we'll find your body when we spell it. I was going to give you my Twitter password.

And I'm like, when I'm officially dead, just tweet squeaky wheel, it's grease. And that's it. Now I want you to die to this. I really want to do that. We always talk about how we kill ourselves. What do we think? Just unique ways to kill yourself. What did you do?

I came down to the wingman suit. No, you had a better one the other day. Which one? What's the wingman? Like one of those flying squirrel suits? then you just hit something then you have like as you jump because it's known psychologically it's everybody that survived the fall that when they meant to kill themselves regretted the moment they left yeah yeah the better one bridge or whatever the better one was you train really really hard for a year, two years, however long it takes.

You become like an expert mountain climber. You climb to the top of Everest in a place that's difficult to get to. You get extremely naked, hold your dick and put your middle finger up, and you get frozen dead at the top of Everest in a place they can't get you down from. You become a statue, bro. It's a statue on top of. Every dude that spends their life trying to get up there has to look at Tommy. When you're taking your fucking selfie.

We did it, guys. It was just you in the back ruining it. Icicles. That's great. That's without a doubt the best one. I mean, again, you kind of have to go do that. Please. I love your company, but...

Incredible. That is great. And especially if they were like, we've got to get this guy down and people were dying trying to get him. Well, the wingsuit thing is like...

There was just a whole bunch of bodies. The wingsuit's like a roller coaster ride and then you get a decision to just go right into a cliff or finish. You know what I mean? And then you go,

tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow. That makes me a little nervous that you might survive though. You crash into something and you make yourself. You ever see that video that two dudes in the wingsuits

going, one guy was supposed to go over the Golden Gate Bridge, one guy was supposed to go under in front of all their family and friends.

Fucked it up. The guy hit the fucking bridge going like, I don't know, 150 miles an hour and just split. And you see him like fall on the other side. He just died in front of his family.

So sick. I wonder if that was his choice. That would be a way. That's a fucking good suicide. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get my whole family on the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm going to tell them I'm going over, but I'm going right into it. And make them watch.

I'm aiming for my stepmom. Dude, that guy is very much alive. You can watch it. Hold up, pass. That guy's very much alive. He went to a mental institution. He broke someone out. He fucking put his name tag on.

Go crash into a bridge in front of my family. I'm out of here. Dude, make sure there's like, go crash into a bridge in front of my family. I'm out of here. Dude, make sure there's no fucking teeth. There's no way that's my ladder. The whole family saw it. They're not questioning it. That dude is in fucking Rio de Janeiro right now. Like pushing cheese through like a door.

Sort of jumped out of the plane. The other guy's like, you're awfully quiet. Bro. His mouth is taped shut. His eyes wide as the fucking interplay i've been getting the uh uh uh my algorithm on instagram fed me uh it was like at morbid knowledge that's why i follow that on twitter you fuck yeah no bro i so i don't even know why i got it and then i i'm i it, and I got it again.

Or maybe it was just like morbid knowledge too. You know, whatever, there's another account. But I was watching, it was just a video in the fucking ocean, and it was like a shark, and it was thrashing. And I thought I was watching some cool nature shit. Oh, that guy can eat? Yeah, I opened the caption. It was just like this guy in fucking France got eaten by a shark.

I'm like, I don't need this. And then, well, the problem is you don't even get a good look at it. Yeah, but there's something about splashing, the fear of him just disappearing. You're like, whoa. And they were filming that, and you hear the people be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's gone. Like, yeah. And then there was one.

This was like the darkest shit. The darkest shit I've seen, man. It was in Russia. They were on, like, an ice pond, and they cut, like, a hole where you would, man, it was in Russia. They were on like an ice pond and they cut like a hole where you would like go ice fishing. And I don't know what the plan was supposed to be, but there's a mom and she, bye. And the husband jumps in. Current underneath, I saw. Yeah, but like, what was she, did she not?

They didn't realize it was current. They had no idea how strong the current underneath was. And there's the kid going, mom, mom. She jumps in this little ice hole. Again, I thought I was watching America's Funniest Videos. I'm going to jump in the cold water in a cold plunge or some shit. I didn't read the caption. That's what it was.

And she's gone, and the husband jumps in, and the kid is screaming. And I'm like, why is this? I watch pimple-popping videos. I don't want to watch a fucking mom die in front of a kid. Send it to me, Kev. Yeah, apparently. Jesus. Dude, it started in like 19, I'm going to say 95 or 96, early days of the internet where

it was called Ogrish, I believe, which was before LiveLeak bought it. Ogrish was like the dark web for death videos. I don't even know that one. I know LiveLeak. I know Faces of Death. In grade school, we used to go next to the Wawa. We'd walk to this... It's back when they had family video stores.

It was before Blockbuster. One of the dirty ones. There was a dirty area with a red curtain, but they had this thing called Faces of Death, and that was the very first introduction for me. And then I got the fucking bug, dude. And there was this one video I watched in Cooch's basement in...

I'll say like 7 or eighth grade maybe ninth grade and it's a chechnyan rebel being beheaded by a russian soldier and he's hogtied okay all right you know you don't want to see a boner the guard headings are tough because you don't think that i always envisioned like a guillotine like shink and it's gone and you realize it's like you're hacking at like a guillotine, like shink, and it's gone, and you realize it's like you're hacking at like a fucking tree. But the ISIS guys did use nice cutlery. Did you see me type?

It was like fillet knives. Damn it. Every beheading was like a fucking birthday celebration for me. All right, you got it. You do have to watch it once. I think everyone should have to watch it. That's why you gotta sleep with a transsexual once. Get on the horse once.

Go to a sunset tour. Do you guys know about the storage unit full of dead babies? This was a story that I heard like six months ago you guys want to new true detective i couldn't believe this was a thing no and it had like a wikipedia page and everything but i found again on twitter for the celebrities like these fuckers probably yeah probably it was a uh and i it was like a 1980s news report and it was like you know we're here on the scene in this uh like this fucking dock in la and like here's the storage unit and it was a storage unit that an abortion

clinic they like started they i don't know fell on hard financial times where they like i guess usually you pay for like some sort of disposal and they weren't doing that so they're all late term babies they just and they said like, they opened this thing up and it, like, they said there was an estimation of, like, 10, like, 17,000 dead corpses. Shut the fuck up. And they were, like, falling out of it. And I was like, how is this not, like, known?

I guess it's too dark that, like, nobody even talks about it. But then, I can't remember what it was, but the Wikipedia was, like, the abortion clinic storage unit of 1987. It had, like, its own fucking title. And they just, and then there was a song. Remember the song?

It made a song for it? It made a song that was like in honor of it. And we played it and it was like a bop. It was like, it had like a baseline. It was like thumping. I was like, this is the song.

That baby. It was fucking, yeah, man. But I do think. How expensive is the, I guess trash disposal from greatest guy

just like, I don't know, fucking, get rid, don't just leave it. You did 17,000. What are the margins? It's gotta be,

you weren't hurting for business in 1980s LA. Also, the first baby was probably the worst one. They're like, where did I put it?

And they're like, alone in a store's closet? Just like, it just echoes to the story. It'll get softer. We just need more and I put it. And they're like, alone in a store's closet? Just like, thong! It just echoes to the store. It'll get softer. We just need more dead bodies. Thong! Oh my god.

Like throwing a rock in a tunnel? Anyway, it's a very sad story. That's fucking funny. That's why you're fucking funny. That's great. Did you guys seriously watch that new True Detective, Bill? No I didn't watch it tonight

Last night I watched it I want to watch it You don't want to watch it? I do I don't want to talk about it It's terrible Is it? God damn it

It's fucking awful I literally Halfway through I was like There's no way Anyone associated with True Detective made this And in fact I went This must have been made by a woman. It has to be made by a woman.

Jesus, Chris. This television program sucks so bad. It's got to be made by a woman. Then I felt... He's looking at the director. He's like... Yeah. Then I felt guilty.

The cap will mean... I felt guilty about thinking that. And I looked it up. It's a woman. Made by a woman. Sure enough. Wrote, directed, produced by a woman. What else are we going to get stolen from us?

Because you're watching and it's like True Detective I feel like is known for like in the first 20 minutes you like the characters are like you get sucked in. Yeah. And it's like all I'm seeing is a woman with dimple rings and then she's on top when she fucks dudes. Wait. That's how women write characters. There's not even some weird alcoholic dude what the fuck yeah right what you know it's not even some fucking alcoholic guy

who lives in a shed what am i gonna do with this program dude there's no one i can relate to dude it's great i mean when you really think about Russ Cole, just sitting with his beard, opening up those Lone Star beers the whole time, drinking, I was like, no wonder we all love that fucking show. Just having dark thoughts. So cool. He's the man. But I mean, listen, I guess if it's different people,

it's kind of like, it's cheating to like, put that on the other guy's resume. But at this point, it's a Mexican woman. They at this point, 100%. It's a Mexican woman. They just hired a Mexican woman. They hired a Mexican woman with basically no experience to make True Detective. Yeah. It's like, what do you guys do?

That franchise, at this point, is going to be, like, more bad than good. It's like season one. But you could at least try. This is three or four? Four. What was three? Murray Flawley.

That was good, but for some reason it didn't pop. Yeah. It was good, but it didn't become the thing it was. Well, it's already hard to live up to the first season. But two sucks and four sucks. So it's like, yeah. Marius Lali was good, though. That does not get enough respect.

That was dope. I don't think I saw any of them except for one. And I think I'm going to keep it. Leave it that way. Yeah. Two was literally a joke. You laugh at some of the lines that were supposed to be like gravitas. You were like, oh, wait.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, never mind. I couldn't get that serial doc documentary. Or not series. Serial killer series on Netflix that was really popular. Mindhunter. Yeah. Mindhunter.

I got to get back into it because the acting I felt on the first episode took me out so bad. I was like, this is so cheesy. No, I'll get into it. No, because they're both good. took me out so bad I was like this is so cheesy it's Holt McElhaney and Jonathan Groff they're good it's real I felt the same way in the first three or four episodes I was like Jesus Christ

there's a guy so corny he doesn't know how to have sex and there's a woman who does Jesus Christ can we get past this these fucking women another brawl let me teach you how to fuck

I'm a fucking detective in 1960 you think I haven't had sex before when you're watching a detective show and there's a wife or a boss, somebody who's mad that you're not at home, you're not doing whatever, and it's like, I'm solving the fucking serial murder case.

Cut me some fucking slack. It's not like you're just dicking around at the KFC radio studio with the police and you're not home for the kids. I'm trying to stop the mass fucking murderer, honey. Give me a goddamn break. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Mindhunter does get good, though. By the end, you're like, how did they not continue this?

By the end, I bet you'll be mad that it didn't. Yeah, yeah. I thought about this because you talk about the diversity hire shit where Netflix in the last three to five years, they just make one or two seasons of absolute dog shit and the money's going in the tank for nothing. So I feel like that bubble's going to burst. People are tired of that bullshit. I just saw breaking news that She-Hulk did not get a second season.

She-Hulk? No fucking kidding because it sucked. No one's watching. But listen, one of the actresses was doing a red carpet or whatever and they asked her and she said like direct quote she goes yeah I think we blew through our budget in season one

and Disney for season two was like thanks but no thanks and then I looked it up and the budget was 225 million dollars for a season for a season of

she insane dude I can by the way 225 I don't know if you saw it but like there was some scenes

that were so poorly done with CGI yeah and that was the knock on it so poorly done with CGI. Yeah. And that was the knock on it. So where's the $225 million going? Dude, McKeever and I got this VP of drunk at a dinner. And I wanted to get him to admit that they make decisions just to avoid getting their heads lopped off and fired. So I was like, let me ask you something.

The views on the first season, did that warrant a second season? Or did you guys just want to put a second season out to save face and not look stupid in public? And he's like, the latter. And I couldn't believe he admitted it. Well, he was drunk. He's like, they'll spend another $10 to $20 to $30 million on shit so that when they do another press release and it doesn't say one season,

one season, one season, one season, one season, one season, and it's still going on now with Netflix. Bro, that's dog shit. No, but it's like, what's crazy to me is it's not even the diverse, because it's like there are talented people that are diverse. That are of color. Yeah. That's not what I'm saying, I know.

Yeah, yeah, but it's like, so why are you, it's like the person making the show, again, this is true detective, it's kind of like an institution in my mind. Like it's, this person's made one movie. Why are you, what are you doing? And then the lead is a professional boxer. She knows about that. Can you hire an actress? Wait, what's Jodie Foster doing?

She's in it? She's in it, but she's like, she's one of the leads. The other lead is just a boxer. The real problem is like there are funny chicks. There are funny people in every ethnicity, but she's one of the leads. The other lead is just a boss. The real problem is there are funny chicks, there are funny people in every ethnicity, but they don't use them. It's like they find the token people while there's actually really funny black people over here

who are not getting any shine, but we put on whoever it may be. But then we look like bitter white guys, but it's more that it's not, no, I just want quality. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it's crazy. You're watching, you watch that episode and I, there's again, no spoilers.

You'll watch that episode and go, holy shit. This is just a show. Yeah. It's just a show. Yeah. Talking about a true detective. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you're just like, yeah, they just made a show. Yeah. It really, there is some level though of like, I mean, there's just so much. So many streaming services, so many. You know, it used to just be a couple channels, and you watched TV at nighttime after work, and now it's just like this 24-hour cycle with 1,000 different channels. I thought HBO was going to be the least woke,

and they turned out to be the most like it's like the shit they put out is absolute garbage it's crazy what else is what i'm trying to think of what they did in general just just go to their fucking home page on yeah just just peruse what's out there i usually i i watch veep a lot but i don't go i don't i don't spend that much time so good so good yeah yeah you know it's my favorite show one of my favorite shows of all time fleabag Unbelievable and they and she left it where you wanted. Yes, like see that's how you know, she's a talent definitely That chick is Although she's right the new bond Bond which I didn't think was great

if you had like billions of dollars I would just fund good shit you know what I mean how great billions of dollars am I talking to anyone

no man bro this like he broke off his side piece this is what billionaires should do dude if you're a billionaire that's it

yeah roll up to fucking Milan fashion week like that. You know what? Good for him. I take it back. He looks pretty good. Also, look at the fun bags on that bra.

He looks like a Bonneville. That dress is 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag, dude. Those things are out. I'm surprised you didn't spot the pigeon toes in that. Oh, that's why I didn't. you didn't spot the pigeon toes in that oh i could well that's why i didn't wait is she got pigeon toes i heard a story about uh no yeah look she got a little little intern maybe she's i'm not kidding you do when i say this real quick i'm sorry if she if a woman no matter how hot they are if they have pigeon toes i couldn't

really i'll have sex with them dude i think almost the opposite you're welcome and pigeon toes i'll sex you but i'm not gonna date you i can't date you i was talking to my friend the I couldn't do them. Really? I'll have sex with them. Dude, I think almost the opposite. You're welcome. She can have a dick and pigeon toes. I'll have sex with you. But I'm not going to date you. I can't date you. I was talking to my friend the other day who- Wait, you stayed up? This is speech?

I'm going to show you how she stands. She stands very duck-footed. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nope. And I was like- I'm out. She's like, she's standing there talking to me like this. And I was just-

Bro, I have that. I was like, I can't imagine your boyfriend be like, you're having sex like that. Oh, my God. That looks ridiculous. Oh, she's really having sex like that, that looks ridiculous. Or she's really good. She's opening her hips up. My brother's in, and I'm a little bit out, and I hate it. When I take a picture, I have to consciously put your fucking feet in.

No, a little bit out is good. That's normal. Yeah, I think I'm too much out, though. A little bit out means you got good lateral movement. Straight on is kind of insane. I'm like too... Look at LeBron. LeBron's a little bit out.

This is... Kill yourself. Do you know the fuck... If you got one wonk, kill yourself. It's like having an eye go this way. That's like a disability. Yeah, Kaiser Sosa. Kaiser Sosa.

There was... We heard a story. It was either a caller or. You guys have callers? Somebody. I was kidding. That's fun. We got to do that.

Yeah, calling too. They said that they were, yeah, I think it was a voicemail. He said, I worked. We wanted to do like, just every once in a while, do a straight up drive drive-time morning radio. Like old-school radio. Just call us. With a sound effect.

Woo! The zoo. What do you think should coach the Eagles next year? We got to fire this guy. First time, long time. This guy, though, said he was like... We're not going to win with a black quarterback, I'll tell you that. Also, shout-out to MLK.

It's big timing and all that. It was a Bezos story, though. He was like, I worked for a very – Yeah, you get out of here. This is fucking my beer, pal. Can you get rid of this Target thing? You want to talk about fashion? One time I left my suit.

Jesus Christ. Well, it's a big gay thing today. You're not going to blow the black guy in the corner. I do it for laughs. No hands, you can't stop me. Dude, it's like that that thing on top of a mailbox hold on what was going on with the bass yeah i don't even know what uh oh oh it was uh he said he was like i can't tell you who i work for but it's the biggest consumer product company in the world. Well, you just told us. And I was on a conference call, and somebody said, like, this idea was a grand slam.

Good work. And my boss, the head of this, the CEO of this consumer company, said, what does that mean? Like, what do you mean it was a grand slam? Yeah. And the guy was like, you know, like in baseball, bases are loaded, you hit a home run, It was a grand slam. Yeah. And the guy was like, you know, like in baseball. He didn't know what. Bases are loaded. You hit a home run.

It's a grand slam. And he said something like, he was like, you know, the guy was like, you never heard of baseball? Have you ever been to second base? He goes, he said, apparently he got, you know, offended by it because he looked stupid. And he like looked him in the eye and he goes, all I have ever loved in my entire life is consumer products. What a sad. And that's how you become a hundred billionaire.

But it's like, yeah, you're the guy who doesn't know what a fucking grand slam is. We're watching our best friend. You're eight years old going, I really wish I could just deliver the mail faster. We're watching our best friend explode into like maybe one of the biggest celebrities in the world right now. Obviously, Shane. That's gotta be a wild ride to watch. It's crazy. I mean, we can't go to places right now.

Right, right, right. The bar is on the road. It's like, you can't. Right, I'm sure. You can't do it anymore. What I'm saying is there's a level here of like, there's a sweet spot where you get to be- You still watch baseball.

That's what I mean. No, that's what I mean. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. It's like growing up in a certain area of wealth is like, it's preferable. Yeah. You look at these people going,

man, imagine having all that shit. It's like, no, no, no, no. You don't want that. You do not. You don't want that listen if you gave me be dirt poor or be a hundred billionaire of course i'm taking that yeah you get like genuinely i'm fucking happy yeah yeah genuinely man it's like there's a level of like you're not living a fun life it's not and you just get consumed by the money it's like i just want more money i need more and you know it's not you don't enjoy it i mean i can't i don't think it's gonna come to new york it's like you you get that much money you're like come over to bali it's like, I just want more money. I need more. You know, it's not, you don't enjoy it. I don't think he's going to get to the end of New York.

It's like, you get that much money, you're like, come over to Bali. It's like, I can't get to Bali. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Jet Blue even go there? Congrats on all your success, but fuck off. He goes, yes you can. I'm going to give you my friend Jeff's number.

She's got a plane. True. He'll take you anywhere How has that been? I mean Shane Has been on the rise But I feel like This last year

Has been just Crazy Dude he sold out The fucking Forum The forum in 20 minutes Nuts 20 minutes

He told me that I texted him right away I was like 20 minutes? Yeah It's crazy The level is just I remember talking to him Saying early on,

the classic cliche of like, dude, the SNL thing is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. And he was always like, no, I really think I wish I worked for SNL. It's a pretty big fucking institution. It would have been pretty sweet. And it's like,

I think we can all agree now. It was worth it. I tell one story of the road. That was the last, it was last month. We went to oklahoma oklahoma city and then sugarland texas sugarland texas at that time was his largest show like 6200 sellout and we went to this which we went to this casino which which shane called a money grab and

he calls his agent he's like no more fucking money grabs we don't need it i'm not going all the way to beaufort you know bum fuck oklahoma we're at this like drive-in burger hut and which is the saddest thing the town looked like a warner brothers like fake town they build for movie sets it had like bank bar there's no one around it was so shady except for this burger drive-in place and we it's me, Nate, Marshall, and Shane. And we're parked outside. This guy pulls in. And he's like a 65, 68-year-old man, this white guy. And I see him, like, lining up Shane.

I was like, there's no way. Right? Yeah. There's no one here. We're in the literally dust bowl. Yeah. And finally he gets out and he goes, excuse me, are you Shane Gillis? And Shane's like, yeah, how are you?

And he's like, I fucking knew it. My son is going to be so excited. It's like you can't go anywhere in the world. He probably can't go anywhere in America at all. It's awesome. It's awesome. He loves it. He's having a good time.

I'm not going to speak for him, but I did. He's going to be so pissed. You talking about us having a good time. I'm not going to speak for him, but I did. He's going to be so pissed. You talking about us having a good time out there? What next? I'm gay? It is funny watching that because he is not the type to be like, yeah, it's awesome being famous, but it comes with perks. You can have fun with the boys and shit.

The balance is necessary. It'll be fun. So they moved the operation to Texas. Yeah. But you guys are standing firm in New York. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see.

Chris is aggressively hunting me. I'm an East Coast guy so hard, but Chris and Shane, they're making valid points for for production in terms of I went down there for a week it was fucking phenomenal I would say it's probably like this Shane and Chris are like

production's here we can make great content less taxes great for travel clean awesome and then on the other side Tommy is like I like the East Coast You can make great content, less taxes, great for travel, clean, awesome. It's got a lot of good – And then on the other side, Tommy is like, I like the East Coast. But I like the birds.

You ever spend a week in Austin? It's not great. No, I'm with you, dude. I agree that – Cold food, nice strip of bars. Who gives a shit? I understand the reasons why, but I wish – Our boys are down there too now.

Well, I know. I wish everybody just stayed put. Because then once it's like, well, the whole party moved, it's like, okay, yeah, now Austin's awesome because Shane's fucking production company's down there. But if everybody just stayed put in New York, it'd be fine. But I get... Being down there feels like, I don't know,

it feels like you were in a platoon that you served somewhere with forever. And now they're deployed in a different area and you're not with them. Yeah. And just like, this is wrong. Well, Jesus Christ, Chris. There's other ways to tell me I'm not enough. I'll put a shame mask on.

No, we're doing our thing. I'm sure Halloween Adventure will have one next year. Yeah, you and I are in the Pacific Theater and they're in fucking Europe. We're in Bali, baby. I just bought a sauna. I can't fucking leave now. Just got the apartment painted for the first time in 12 years. Fuck you.

One of the perks is, like, you can get anywhere in 20 minutes. I'm like, that's not a perk. You shouldn't be able to go anywhere in the fucking area in 20 minutes. I mean, my thing would be more like if everybody that you make content with is there and like you know it's the professional side of it but like i don't i don't give a fuck about you know any of like the well city i want to make the shit you know what i mean so and it's also different for like you know if you were to do it specifically what we're doing right exactly because it's also felt like yeah i don't know it felt like philly again where you just like, we're all hanging out together and it's like fucking club respect.

You don't stand up. But you just don't get that in New York because there's too many people. Too many clubs and the clubs are battling each other. You can't do all of them because they're all fucking cunts. I only learned about that this year. Why do I have to cut that? It's objectively true and all you cowards will fucking say it. I love it in New York. I love it in New York.

I love it in New York. I'd be happy to work anywhere. It's crazy though. Fuck you! That shit is crazy. That is like... This is also 4.9%. I'm not drunk. I'm passionate about what I do. I don't do

cocaine and I'm not fucked up. I just blow my fucking brains out. Enjoy Austin. That's how I go out. How fucking good. I finally made a beer. Now clean up my fucking brain. Tommy's brains are just on the shelf.

Leave it That baby's in the container We got Ari's asshole in that iPhone case Jesus Christ Literally gave us his asshole What do you think of the Jew tunnels? What? What do you think of the Jew tunnels?

Dude Everything I'm gonna say you're gonna have to cut So let's move on to Netflix What's Bezos up to these days? When that story broke, man, I was like, this is like... The worst PR move. You know, there was obviously some guy going,

worst timing, this is the worst timing. The last thing we need is tunnels. I told Chris I was at a bar and I was like At least we can call them Ninja Turtles now I don't ever know about it He's like why I'm like Jesus Christ And then the meme you sent me

Came out the next day I was like see The secret of the Jews Talking to a Ninja Turtle I was like now you fucking get it Somebody else thought of it Just going like they found us I don't know how

did you see their skit on that oh it was so good which one it's so good they did the Jew the Jew Tunnels you already did a Jew Tunnels skit yeah

let's go they turned up they put them on a date it's incredible that's incredible they think of them film them and fuck

you're acting like we didn't go through months of production and you're just gonna spill it all over the floor. That'll get cleaned up, never. Pav's fucking...

Oh, yeah, that'll just... Pav turns that shit around with, like, movie quality. They do it in a goddamn day. It's unbelievable. That's so sick. He's getting an apartment shown by...

Lil Sass is like a broker walking around. And he's like, it's a great... You know, you got natural light and this, and's like this background noise yeah he's like is there something underneath this is there something going on apparently it's how they got caught he goes i i have a pretty good guess it's like it's gonna sound crazy right there's four to five hundred Jewish people. He's like, you can't say that, man.

But I mean it literally. I think there's... So good. Dude, you got to call on the other couch for some actors. Yeah, we talked about that. I'll play around your skits. I really think, man, I mean, obviously Gillian Keyes was kind of the... I'm having fun.

You're being a real commotion. Begging for work. Well, I just talked. The podcast is going pretty good. Dude, please cannot be a warrior. He's going to ask and I'm going to turn him down. I'm just kidding. I'm going to Austin.

Thank you, bro. I think that you guys would be awesome at that. I think all of it. I really think that's going to be so big. I mean, this motherfucker all of a sudden Was like oh I'm an actor Nobody knew it He either played us all for like a decade Or he surprised himself too

Chris and I met in a way We met through stand up at Philly McKeever hired I wrote this idea around the deaf man Here's for the first time And then we made it like the next week When was this fuck nine years ago oh wow 2012 or 13 yeah and uh and uh j or john was like yo i got this dude

o'connor you know o'connor you met him and i was like oh yeah and then we did this sketch and it's the first time i saw him act and And I was like, what the fuck is that, dude? It's incredible. I loved it, though. I loved them destroying the tunnels. I loved them destroying the temple or whatever. They sealed it up in like 25 seconds. It's so funny.

It's your dad destroying your fort. Yeah. It's so funny. And again, it could be any religious group. The government coming in And destroying it Is so funny to me And then being like

Those are our special candles He's like No no they're not No I bet they're not You know who was right The cop The cop Dude the Italian cop

He's like No no I'm gonna do this right now What are you talking about You know There's tunnels over in Palestine Not in America We don't do that here Great No I'm gonna do it By like 4 in America. We don't do that here.

Great. No, I'm going to do it by like 4 o'clock. Why don't you get the fuck out of my face? Dude, just three fucking construction whops pumping cement into these tunnels. The biggest beaming smiles on their face. You know that cop went home and he's going viral and his phone's blowing up. He's like, I know, right? It was great.

We saw a baby. It fucking rolled right to his face. Not in America. It was awesome, Dad. Your son looks so gorgeous on the news. I'm not even a police officer. I just put on the uniform.

I just want to be part of it. The guy takes his hat and sideburns off his face. I'm not even a Jew. This is all sketch. Oh, dude.

Let's go do Answer the Internet. Yeah, fine. That's a good button for the episode. All right. Yeah, fine. Yeah, fine. That's a good button for the episode. All right.