KFC Radio - Stylebender’s Ex Girlfriend Wants HALF His Money Ft. Heather McMahan

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Intro 00:31 Feits is prepping for Fast X 12:04 Last night's live show 25:09 Red Sox Game Weirdos 36:29 New Guy Don Chenz is the best 43:43 Style Bender’s Ex Girlfriend wants HALF his money 53:53 Billy Mcfarland promises Fyre Fest 2 01:02:55 Ja Morant Video Surfaces 01:07:15 ESPN's Awkward Mother's Day Interview 01:14:00 Video Voicemails 01:21:43 Heather McMahan interview preview Factor: Head to FACTOR MEALS.com/kfc50 and use code kfc50 to get 50% off your first box. Pirate Water: Go to DrinkPirateWater.com to find pirate water in a location near you or order on gopuff Frontdoor: Download the app now and get a free video chat! Sony Pictures: Get your tickets now! THE MACHINE is exclusively in theaters May 26th. Rated R.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. By internal talk, I mean external woman who doesn't like me in dumps. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's a big day for your boy, Feidelberg. Fast X, is that what it's called? Fast X. Fast X comes out tonight. Comes out tonight, baby.

Well, it doesn't come out tonight. It comes out Thursday night. Oh, you're going tonight. I got a little invite to a little screen. As of listening to this, Feidelberg will have consumed Fast 10, and you will have not. I will have come by the time you listen to this. I want you to think about it the whole show. John came in a movie theater last night.

And that's the second time. That's actually the tenth time, probably, knowing this guy. Big announcement that it's a three-parter. You know what I learned, which I was excited to learn it in the moment moment but i didn't realize that was a spoiler like and i don't understand we kind of talked about it i don't understand how that's a spoiler because this is fast 10 part one there will be a fast 10 part two there is a 12th in the works i don't know if that's fast 11 or part three what it's gonna be called x part three but i don't understand how that gets spoiled well this one well Well, it means...

You're right. It doesn't. Any other movie, I think it would be like, well, you know, Dom Toretto can't die in this one. So it kind of takes the possible things that can happen. The list kind of changes. Not with Fast and the Furious. Dom Toretto could die in Fast X part one

and show up for Fast 12. No doubt. No problem. No doubt. It's happened with multiple characters. And they could do it just straight up where they don't acknowledge it, or it could be like, the government has a program where you can bring them back to life. You know what I mean?

They can do it however they want. They have done something. They crawled out of the car. Both times they've used it, they crawled out of the car before it exploded. That's all it was? It was just like, we got out? Both times. It was just they crawled out of the car before it exploded. That's all it was? It was just like we got out? Both times. It was just they crawled out.

They are in – I'm trying to think if there's another movie series, and I don't know if there is. Perhaps John Wick right now. But they got a long way to go. They are in the Manny being Manny of movies. Manny Ramirez was able to do whatever he wanted say whatever he wanted and people would just laugh and shrug and say ah it's manny being manny don't you love it when it was like he threw somebody down a flight of stairs he grabbed don zimmer by the ears and threw him that's it by the way different elderly people we're talking about two separate elderly people stories yeah it was

pedro who. Pedro through. Oh, Pedro. That's right. Pedro through Don Zimmer. But he did throw like a trainer. The traveling secretary. He threw George Costanza.

The Red Sox are really just tossing fucking old dudes. But to reach, we're at a point in Hollywood where everyone, I don't want to say hypercritical. I think they're just regular critical where it's like,

it's just Marvel movies and remakes. And I think there's some truth to that and for the most part moviegoers are pretty snotty you know they're kind of like this is what i want um except in the fast world where everyone is just cool yeah just be cool yes okay the guy died and we know it and yes that's clearly a continuity issue to bring that guy back. Guess what? It's a fucking movie. Yeah. Who fucking cares?

And it's just like they've just convinced people by beating them down with 10 of these things to just not be snotty about your consumption. And I think you need more of that in the world it's actually there have been two things recently that um not reinvigorated my love for the franchise because i it's never never even wavered um but the uh one was a thread i saw sunday morning and if you follow me on twitter i retweeted a couple of them but it was just like i i honestly don't know the person's intentions who sent the initial tweet. I don't know if they were being cool or being dicks or being lame about it, but they were like, when did fast leave reality? And it turned into the greatest threat of the best fast scenes of all time.

It was like, yeah, it's left reality a million times. What would you say? It's a movie. It was never in reality. That's the problem. But you get the – You're an issue. But I do get the – Yeah, yeah.

That couldn't happen. Essence of the question. What're an issue. But I do get the... Yeah, yeah. That couldn't happen. Essence of the question. What would you say is the answer? Oh, I mean, it's way earlier. I mean, it's like the first moment they drive a car off a building and land on a helicopter or whatever. I mean, if you really want to get honest with it, I would argue it's the opening scene of the opening movie. They do a quarter mile race? No, when they're fucking hijacking the... Oh, yeah, yeah like they're driving underneath the cars you only but i don't

know i mean that that was that happened it wasn't green screen right those were like trick drivers like stunt drivers yeah i guess so like they did it yeah um and then in that case it would probably be fast too when paul walker and tyreece are fucking bombing down the street trying to catch up to Eva Mendez on a boat and they fucking just take a right off a kind of hill and go flying and land on the boat and then just get out of the car. It's like right the fuck away.

That is, people are trying to pretend it happened forever ago. It was a long time and yet it's gotten more and more ridiculous but this is my second part here that I thought. We interviewed Burt the other day for like two hours and it'll come out probably next week.

Oh, it's so good. But Burt was talking about how he wants to make Hollywood fun again. Yeah. And he was talking about really the real life aspect of it. But I think that applies

to the movie too where it's like, yeah, dude, this has been my argument. It's been my argument for fucking 10 years with Fast where it's been like, I'm not arguing

they should win Oscars. Right. But I'm telling you, when I go to the movies, and I watch Fast and Furious, I have a fucking great time. You pay $20, and you earn every fucking bit of it.

I'm like, oh, I'm laughing because of the ridiculousness. But also, Fast, the Fast crowd, has done a good job, of making it,

meta, like, like the crowd cheers, and they know it's stupid. I don't, I think they call that camp, or whatever the gay, the gay community calls it camp. It was, it's stupid i don't i think they call that camp or whatever the gay the gay community calls it camp well it was it's like snakes on a plane it's like all the movies that when you up front say we're not taking ourselves seriously the audience goes

oh okay then i my my my lens changes you know just have but like that should almost be the way it always is trent trent's always said it too he like, I don't know, man. I like every movie I've ever watched. Yeah. I watch a movie and I walk away going like, that entertained me for two hours. And I don't go that extreme with it. This is the one. I was going to say, when they drove through, they drove through a skyscraper, didn't they? Yeah.

That was the one for me where I said, I think that was. That was fast five. So the better question is not when did they leave reality. The better question is, what's the most unrealistic leaving reality moment there is. That one's up there. This has got to be the one. That was Dubai. I think it was Abu Dhabi.

But wherever. It actually might be Abu Dhabi. Wherever it is. Yeah, jumping skyscrapers is preposterous. Awesome. Brazil in Fast Five when they're fucking dragging the safe around. That was pretty absurd. Yep, yep.

I mean, honestly, my favorite is probably when The Rock throws a missile at a submarine. safe around that was pretty absurd yep there i mean it's it's all dude i mean honestly my favorite is probably when the rock throws a missile at a submarine that's definitely the one wait find that one definitely have you not seen that one i feel like i've heard you say that before but that is definitely i want you to see it i want you to see it. I want you to see it. Like, that is without a doubt. That's like Mad Libs. It's like a name, a weapon, and a thing. Yeah. The Rock Missile Submarine. Bro, we're going to pause and we're going to watch this and we're going to get your honest reaction when we come back.

Wait. Oh, wait. No, the submarine fire torpedo. The Rock redirects it. I was going to say, he. It. Take the wheel. Take the wheel. I ain't taking shit

Get the fuck out Yes This is cinema Hell yeah Turn the goddamn wheel to the left really fast Turn the goddamn wheel to the left really fast Yes. Bravo. Turn the goddamn wheel to the left really fast.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Go wait. One more, one more. That one. This one's unbelievable, too. We got to do the marathon. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He fights a chopper, right?

The rock pulls a helicopter in. Yeah, yeah. Hilarious. Dude. Fucking hilarious. It's the... But they do it in such a way that's like... They're not...

They're taking it seriously while not taking it seriously somehow. You know what I mean? They're not making fun of the moment in the moment, but him going like this is a clear, like, we know this is stupid. Bro, they called that a ridiculous scene when Captain America did it. He's just a cop. He's a superhero.

This guy worked for the FBI. It's the best, dude. The world needs more Fast and the Furious fans. I think more people are on my side now. There was a period of time. I would say from like five to nine or something like that.

Maybe like four to eight or something. I think people were kind of like, this is stupid. But there is some truth to just keep going. It's the family guy joke. It's funny. All right, this is stupid. Wait a minute. They're still doing it. Now it's funny. All right, this is stupid. Wait a minute. They're still doing it.

Now it's funny. Yeah. That's why I think John Wick has that ability, but I don't think they're as funny and they don't have as much, uh, like charisma is like, you know, they got Tyrese,

they got ludicrous. They've got, you know, everybody it's, it's, there's, there's just too much star power. It is the perfect world.

It was like that. Vin Diesel thinks he's like, like, like they also say too, like there, there's nothing funnier than seriously written like not great drama yeah yeah like when vin when vin diesel said that the world can't go on forever because having worlds that big is difficult ask jr tolkien it's one of the greatest lines all the time. How do you know that one?

He's like, you know, me and Fast and the Hobbit. It's the perfect balance of people who are taking it very seriously. Ask J.R.R. Tolkien. He was saying he can't ride forever. You have to stop eventually. J.R.R. Tolkien famously rode until he died. He was riding the Silmarillion

still. That's fucking hilarious. It was great. So tonight, I'll be there, baby. Can't fucking wait. Thank you to Kent Jack. Because somehow, inexplicably, I was going to say, I don't want to shine a bad light on them or us or anything, but it is inexplicable, it is inexcusable, that not one person did press on KFC Radio for Fast and the Furious.

That means somebody – I don't want to – I'm not going to say names because I don't know them, but somebody should lose their job. Somebody at the studio needs to be alerted of this. People are missing opportunities. I mean there is – To be fair, it's not really a movie you have to do press for it's going to do a billion dollars but they do do press yeah

so if they didn't do press fine but if they're out there I don't know that I don't know if they've been on I was just assuming I don't know yeah I don't know for sure

they have these I mean I think last weekend they were in like fucking Rome doing like big red carpet sort of thing but I don't know

if I've seen them on a show if they're not making the rounds, that's one thing. They might just say, fuck it, we don't need to. But if they are... All the other shows are done right now.

It's like none of the late shows, right? Because there's no writers. Oh, maybe that's why. Yeah, but I mean, there should have been enough buildup prior to that. What I'm saying is there was openings.

The contest that we saw, like that should be you. It was like they're willing to pay somebody like $100,000 to watch all of the movies and take notes on the explosions or something like that. Like you can still do the contest and pay someone else, but also just have John Feidelberg do that and there's your promo. Here, I'll just give it to you. I got it. I already did it. We just started.

Here you go. Fast two. I already did it. We just started. Fast 2. Boat explosion. Yeah, that is absolutely crazy. Someone for Fast 10 Part 3. Part 2? Part 2 and 3. We need to have somebody on the show.

I think we've done a good job ourselves with our live show and cultivating an audience that's just like, yeah, I don't know. It's just a fun time. Because I said last night, John said something on stage that made me laugh like I was in the audience. And rather than just like being in the moment and letting the moment breathe or whatever, I'm on the microphone going, that was funny. That was fucking funny, man. Like we're comedians on stage and I'm going, oh, shit, that was a good one, bro. But in the moment, it made me laugh that much. I think we were told this weekend, what was it, like through a friend of a friend, they said, did those guys hire live performance coaches? That's how much better their show has gotten.

Which is an insult and a compliment. I mean, that means that when people went the first time, they were going, well, it was their first time. But I mean, in the moment, I remember people going like, that was awesome. And I was like, it just can't be by virtue of the fact that we just did it for the first time nothing's awesome when you first do it but i will say it's really i think it's really really good now oh i mean it's it's like night and day i will tell you how i know it's good i'm not nervous anymore yeah yeah because i used to go up nervous yeah you're like you don't sweat i don't sweat anymore you don't sweat i don't sweat that's how i know it's good that's how i know it's a i can't fake like if i'm up there and i'm a little bit shaky about the material or our performance or myself my body will let you know and i will

sweat and now i'm not because because and it's like i that's how you know i'm not just feeding you bullshit because i'm like my i'm just cool i'm relaxed I'm like this is good I know it's good and to our credit we've done a bunch now but not like that many when you when we talk about you know we have so many people on the show who are like I've done this for 35 years we've probably done like 20 I was gonna say 25 20 total and and I think uh you know we are smart about it we we we have cultivated a show that is just what we do. If we had to do something, if we had to truly perform, I'm sure we would need to really hone it more than just 20 times. But it's just like the same way we pop in the studio and do the podcast.

We don't think twice about it. Now we do that on stage. And I think the reaction, people are really enjoying it. And it's one of those things. I'll say this. Everyone stays for pictures, which is awesome. and I think the reaction people are really enjoying it. It's just, it's one of those things. I'll say this, everyone stays for pictures which is awesome.

Also a little tiring. I mean, Sunday night, Sunday night, Mother's Day show, 9.30, the whole room of a few hundred people

stays for pictures. Very flattering. Very upsetting. It's like, God damn it. God damn it. I think I got home at 11 11 30 last night or something like that that was a tough it's a late night that was a tough one particularly on the back end of the

weekend and all that it was uh but it's fine we're gonna keep doing them we will do we have obviously buffalo minneapolis and um detroit on sale we're gonna get some summer stuff going have some summer stuff going probably some go to long island yeah we'll do some it is actually huge about how you're not sweating i never was so nervous but i did have a kind of dread of of it yeah when i sweat i'm not like nervous up there because i'm like it's i don't know the worst thing that can happen is like we bomb i don't care you know but like but i just you know i don't know now i'm excited now i used to like but we still don't do as much crowd work as we should, but now I will look at someone and tell them a joke, whereas I used to only look at you.

Right, or the black lights, you know, like the blackness. Yeah, yeah. Now it's like there's enough people reacting and laughter, and you know that it's working. And then also it's like if it doesn't work one night, it's like, I don't know, man, that was the crowd. I hate to blame the crowd, but it's like, I don't know, we just did this like two nights ago and last night and it was all good. So I feel just confident in us enough.

You really do start to see that like different cities or different types of crowds and different nights and different times. The city thing is so funny because if it's any performer ever, I'm sure we'll tell you this. But like all you have to do to get a big pop, just say the name of the city. Just compliment the city. Just say where you are. We are in... What up, Dallas? This is where I was born!

This is where I currently physically reside! It is great. I will say there is something to... I don't know who decides it, whether it's just the loudest person or the biggest group or the people who sit up front, whatever. Somebody sets the tone early. Yeah. Where it's just like if in the beginning somebody laughs loud and claps and yells out a name and shit, then the crowd follows suit.

And then we've had other crowds that are just like very subdued. And afterwards they took pictures and were like like we love you that was amazing and i was like really because you didn't fucking you know nothing but it's i don't know for whatever reason that crowd just didn't like get as animated the one thing that we i want so badly for it to become an interactive show because i think what we do is a very good live podcast. It's not stand-up comedy, but it's not just like a podcast. It's somewhere in between. There's visuals. There's audio.

I do that. I was actually thinking after this weekend. I know the rule in comedy, which I don't even subscribe to anyway when I'm watching a comedian. I don't care about 15 seconds laughter. But we're pretty goddamn close. I was going to say, yeah, there's never a long gap of no laughter. That was something you mentioned when we first started. We just kind of talk sometimes. We have a joke every 20 seconds.

But I would love for it to truly become one of a kind if the crowd gets involved, because that's, you know, first of all, crowd work. I actually, I'm almost leaning away from this now because crowd work has become so like cliche, but truly great crowd work is like second to none, you know? And not so much crowd work, but I want the crowd to get involved, ask and answer the internet question, tell us a story.

And we have been, to say feast or famine is an understatement. Because we'll have a story. Like we had somebody in Dallas. He was like, am I the asshole for leaving an engagement party to come to this show? And the couple sitting two chairs away from him stood up and said wait a minute are we the assholes for leaving our own engagement party to come to this show and we have this married as engaged couple tell us about how they just left everyone at their house and said fuck it we got to go to kfc radio and i was like that was that's incredible my my mind explodes over

things like that where i'm like what are the chances that these two people, three people, listened to the same show, came to the same night, sat next to each other. He had the M.I.D. You know, like one in a bazillion. And then we'll have times where we do Q&A. The Q&A in Boston. I think the pirate water was flowing at the Wilbur. We had just three abysmal strikeouts. The first one I was like, all right, question number one, go ahead.

And the guy just went – it was like he was talking in rewind. Yeah. He went – and then he looked at me like, I don't know. The words just didn't come out of my mouth. And I was just like, what happened to your body? I've been around 10 billion drunk people in my life. Never. I was like, never ever seen that.

That's who's got special needs. I didn't think he was drunk. I thought he had special needs. I mean, he's like sitting right up front. I figure that's like a handicapped seating area. That's not a bunch of... They put the downs up front. I thought someone was...

I was like, oh, man. If you watch the tape back, I did not laugh right away. I was like, oh, what was that? Did you say buddy? What did you say, little buddy? And then this guy raises his hand the confidence on this guy good for him must have been homeschooled elementary school would have beaten that out of him young then a guy like two doors down from him also in the front row he raises his hand

and his wife goes oh oh and i was like oh here we go here's and she goes oh are you gonna tell it and i was like oh these these two have a and she goes oh are you gonna tell it and i was like oh these these two have a story if they're fighting over who's gonna tell which and he's like oh man oh yeah i'm gonna tell it and i'm like i think i literally say like here we go and this guy is like struggling to get out he's just like okay all right All right. Fights. John. The Patriots. What do you think about them this year? I was like 11 and 6.

Move on. I couldn't believe it, dude. It was. And they're fans of the show. One of them knew my sister. The woman knew my sister. And like, we don't. When have we talked about this? We don't talk sports that often anymore.

It used to be. Now there are 50 other shows you can talk sports on. We don't talk sports that often anymore. It used to be now there are 50 other shows you can talk sports on. We don't talk about sports that much. Then there was the girl who was just quiet as a mouse telling a story about how there was a

guy on a date and the girl brought a dog and it just kept going and there was no punchline and it was just like Dog. Yeah, the dog. Shout out Fall River.

She was from Fall River. It's just it's very funny. I love it. The crowds just get ham. The guy across the crowd that shouted like, lady, what are you talking about? It's amazing. It was great.

I mean we've had so many great moments recently. We've really gotten very lucky with some of the audience members. We had moms in the crowd. I told someone, I said we had moms in the crowd for Mother's Day. And they thought I meant like mothers who brought like their small children to the show. She was like five-year-olds. I was like, no, no, that would be fucking crazy. But we had probably the most – we've had a lot of awkward meet and greet interactions.

But one mom – I don't even know if you heard this. One mom came up up and she comes over to me she goes i just got divorce so i'm like playing it up like the you know divorce camaraderie i'm like good for you you're free you don't need them whatever i i don't want to be like it's actually a horribly depressing damn thing you will have to fight through your whole life but i was like yeah you did it and she goes we were married for 40 years. And in my head, I'm going, that's so different than my situation. Okay. And then she goes, he sent pictures of his junk all over the internet.

And then right next to me was the daughter. She was like, hi, nice to meet you. I'm the daughter. I was like, so you're dad, huh? So you know what he's been up to, huh? Awkward. She told me the junk. I like that.

The mom or the daughter? The mom. There's junk. I like hearing about some junk mail. Like, just fucking. I have a photo of you reacting to her telling you that. Her phone was broken, so we pulled the photos for her that we took, and you have a shocked face.

I'm so glad you said that. We're actually at the age now where it used to be with babies, where someone had told you they had a baby, and you were like, how do I take it? Good news or bad news. Yeah, and then now it's older. It's like now those people who had babies are now getting divorced. Yeah. And it's like, I got divorced. Congratulations.

I'm not sure what the read on that one is now. No, it was definitely a great run of shows in Texas, Boston, and Connecticut. During the prime spring season, you need wholesome, convenient meals to energize you for warmer, more active days and keep you on track for reaching your goals. Factor can help you fuel up fast with ready-to-eat meals delivered straight to your door. You'll save time, eat well, and tackle everything to do on your to-do list. They offer delicious flavor-packed options on the menu each week to fit a variety of lifestyles, from keto to calorie-smart, vegan and veggie, protein plus.

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Yeah, you just pop it in the microwave for two minutes and it comes out. It's like a full – it's an awesome meal. So all you got to do – it's not like a cooking box. This is just a meal that comes prepared, comes cooked. All you got to do, it's not like a cooking box. This is just a meal that comes prepared, comes cooked. All you got to do is heat it up, and within two minutes, you're eating it. For anybody who works or doesn't have the time at night, Factor Meals is for you. Head to factormeals.com slash KFC50, and then use code KFC50 to get 50% off your first box. That's code KFC50 at factormeals.com slash KFC50 to get 50% off your first box. That's code KFC50 at factormeals.com

slash KFC50 to get 50% off your first box. But you missed the biggest, well, not the biggest, but you missed a great day in Boston until you went to the Sox. You came home Saturday, and we stuck around Boston and went to the game.

And first of all, it was my first experience of any baseball game with the new rule. I might be team too fast. It was two hours. Actually, I was doing the math in my head. If I remember correctly, my high school baseball games were two and a half hours. So are American high school baseball games,

are they longer than professional games now? Could be. I don't know. That's kind of crazy. We only played seven innings, but how long is that? I also don't know if high schoolers

are doing as much bullshit as pros are stepping out of the box every time. But I'm saying, when we played, it was definitely at least two hours

when we played. So I have a feeling high school baseball games are longer than professional baseball games now. Crazy. Which is crazy. But,

so we had a fucking experience. We had, we were lowestodge 112, first baseline. I'm sorry, no. The ticket said 112. I think we accidentally sat in 114. But, so I'm hoping there were other people in the crowd. There were definitely Barstool fans around. We took a few pictures.

So I don't know if everyone was in earshot. Everyone could tell what was happening. But the whole, first of all for the whole game right in front of us probably two rows in front of us i was so tense the entire game because of these two girls just two classically shit-faced chicks like just two chicks who had ripping and running on saturday hammer drunk they're from waterville new hampshire girls you know what i'm talking about and they were just blasted, taking selfies. It was just the two of them taking selfies the whole game.

They were next to, sitting right next to him, was like a 16-year-old kid with his family. So I can't even imagine what his hormones were going. Yeah. Just like they were normal girls. Yeah. But they were just hammered. And finally come the ninth inning. Yeah, ninth inning.

Maybe bottom of the eighth. This woman turns around in front. And she finally goes, well, you guys shut the fuck up. I can't believe she waited that whole long. Because I didn't watch a pitch of the game. These girls were going for anyone the whole time. They were the stars of the show they were nonsense non-stop screaming and people like they were it and i couldn't believe it took her that long yeah like if you're

gonna say it at all like by that point you figure you you've just succumbed yeah you know but so then they start they're like they're like have i shut the fuck up sweetheart and they're yelling and like and as she's fucking looking the other way they're fucking giving her the middle finger this woman's husband eventually turns around and he's like kind of like trying to laugh and you're like i can't hear him but i can tell his body language he's kind of being like look guys i mean you are being ridiculous yeah let's be honest call spade a spade it's crazy blah blah they start doing what i found to be the most defiant thing it It would have been my breaking point. They're just picking up their empty tall boys

and slamming them back into the cup holders. It's definitely shaking the seats and stuff like that. Oh, my God. We're like, oh, my God. They're fucking getting up and doing fake mooning, putting their ass in the back of her head and all this stuff. Fuck you. She's just kind of taking it, wearing it up front.

And we're like, this is crazy. Kenley Jansen blows the game in the bottom of the ninth, top of the ninth. And never have I rooted for a tie more. Because I was like, one more inning, they're throwing fests. I'm like, we got to tie this game up, baby. And then, obviously obviously they don't. But as this is all happening, I'm like, this is crazy. This whole thing is chaotic.

And I'm looking around and there's all kinds of characters around us. Look back and there's just a guy who, I don't know, he's one side or the other, the chromosome spectrum, sitting there with a big chain necklace on that everyone has, which must be the most regretted purchase. Like you get that when you're walking into the game feeling high. Yeah. And then by the seventh, you're like, why am I wearing this big fucking thing around my neck? Wait, what is it?

Like, those big chains they wear everywhere now. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? So you've got these big chains. You're wearing an Aaron Hernandez jersey and a Tonka helmet. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? It's like a bad dream. Right. It was, dude, wait until i get to the real fever dream part

and so these guys are still arguing the game's getting out these girls just tap the husband on the shoulder and by the way when the woman stands up she had a child in her lap the whole time not a baby like i get why she's like shut the fuck yeah because like a baby you can swear in front of whatever it's like a six- old. Right. Like an impressionable. Maybe, maybe, what does motherfucker mean? Right.

Like maybe younger, but she's like, she's in her, like she's, she's the girl, the girl's asleep. Yeah. And I was like,

Oh my God. Like, no wonder. Let me just interject real quick. I also think the people who bring little kids to games are fucking crazy. Yeah. Not only because the shit like that happens, but also because yeah,

they're going to fall asleep. They're not going're not gonna last like well i guess two hours now but like when i see people who bring like infants like newborns to baseball games when you're sick in the fucking head i remember but also like as a kid i remember my dad was kind of like he'd be like hey guys can we tone down a little bit when people were screaming and i'd get so awkward like dad i've heard the words before just shut the fuck up and leave alone right this girl was younger than i was at that point but like you know when i was 10 i was like dude just fuck be cool i'll be cool i've heard fuck before right um but the um so they get up woman's got the kid in her hands father's kind of just standing there the girls tap him on the shoulder and say loud enough for at least me three rows back to hear, hey, just so you know, your wife's a bit of a cunt.

And I was like, I can't believe she didn't throw this sleeping child and jump back and lunge. So we're walking out of the game, and we're like, that's obviously all we're talking about. Me and my buddy watched the game together. The KS Radio watched together. And it's all we're talking about. I was like, that was so insane.

I can't believe we watched that, blah, blah, blah. We're walking over the David Ortiz Bridge, which is over by Cask and Flag, and we're at the uphill part of it. And we're like, this is crazy. The term fever dream between the Aaron Hernandez guy, that was like a fever dream. As we're having that discussion,

on a motorized scooter, we hear, from a voice. It's not a horn. It's a voice going, and we look over, because all the people walking on the bridge, we look over, there's a magician on a scooter, right? On a scooter with a CO2 tank and balloons sticking out of it,

and he's trying to part the crowd so that he can ride his motorized scooter. So the crowd parts and as the crowd parts a homeless guy in a wheelchair is coming bombing down going AHHHHH! Bro, he crashes

into the magician on the fucking scooter and as that chaos is ensuing, a midget comes in. And we were like, we thought we were in a fever dream before. What the fuck is going on right now? No, a magician,

a homeless, and a midget all come together at Fenway. It was the literal embodiment, and the other video is reality too, but it was like part two of that Cleveland car accident video where the guy just comes in and the fucking thing. We were like, what the fuck

is going on right now? A magician going, homeless guy, one leg, toothless. I don't know if he had one leg, but he was in a wheelchair. His pants were so long, I couldn't tell how many legs he had. He just went, he he was in a wheelchair, and his pants were so long, I couldn't tell how many legs he had. And he's just going, wah! Like he lost control of his wheelchair.

They crash into each other, and a little person in a backpack just comes running by. It was crazy. It was crazy. I hope, again, someone, Loge112, or someone who was on the David Ortiz Bridge at that moment, please tell me someone had video. There's actually a fucking cast by having an ATM. The footage would be insane. Absolutely insane.

Track it down, dude. It's the craziest scene. Let's try to crowdsource this. If you're in Boston, if you or anyone you know is at the game, just ask them, hey, did you happen to see the magician magic fight? The homeless magic man magician magic fight the homeless magic man magician midget fight uh i mean that that that's that's like why i i i i feel like i should say

yes to things not to go to the baseball game because that might happen yeah right you never know what the magician i'll never he had lime green it was just a black backpack, but he had lime green like... Straps? Not straps, but like around it, like fucking piping. Had lime green piping. I was just like, this is the most amazing moment of my life. A magician and a homeless

guy going in. He just appeared. He's just like, I need to add some more chaos. He wasn't running, but he was walking fast enough for it to be funny it was crazy it was crazy it was unbelievable there's also a little fucking right if you come if you're coming down the bridge to the right there's like a fan shop i'm wondering if they have security cameras it's like i'd love someone from fenway gotta be a stoolie. Please, get us the footage. It was unbelievable.

Quite the weekend. I feel like you have a knack for, I don't know, shit just happens. There's something in your essence, I don't know. We'll ask Ralph Lauren what he thinks. Like some religions call it your soul or something. Buddhist believes something else. The same reason you have a million doppelgangers and the same reason just weird shit happens to you. I think there's just something in your chromosomes, in your DNA.

I don't know. The aura you put off. I don't know. I would say like it's – I actively put myself in situations. Well, you do do that. This was a Red Sox game. You do usually say yes to everything and go and do it just for the story. We were talking about that with Nate. That would be like –

Oh, my God. The Nate story, the reactions coming in for that were hilarious. People just being like, I am dying from secondhand embarrassment. And total vindication, I got multiple people being like, Nate acting like flying to another city for someone of the opposite sex is not about sex. It was the craziest thing. We said it. We can argue semantics.

You want to see if you're physically compatible. Whatever you want to say. I cannot do this interview anymore if you're going to tell me that you just went to hang out with a female stranger without having romantic feelings on the brain. That's incel talk. I'll tell you what's incel talk. So everybody go watch the Nate episode if you haven't heard it. And yeah, F fights mentioned it in probably the next week leading up to the release of the machine we'll have the burt episode which another instant classic just ripping shots with burt he was absolutely hammered coming off of a bender it was an all-time two

hours yeah like we we had him we had him booked for like 45 or hour 15 i think it was and i was like that'll be a good amount of time blew past that 45 extra minutes so a lot of good stuff coming up the last thing that happened in Boston I want to say we have Vinny who's not here to defend himself but we're going to make fun of Vinny for being Italian real quick

I could call him in real quick he's just working on ATI we'll see if it's necessary or not. Vinny had two of the most Italian things I've ever seen in my life on this trip. First of all, the game started at 4.10. Okay. You'd think new group of people might want to be there on time kind of deal. Perhaps. Bro, I'm sitting a to be there on time. Perhaps.

Bro, I'm sitting a game on at like 4.30. Being like, where the fuck is everybody? They come in. They all came in. They were all like around on time. A little late, but around on time. I was like, where's Vinny? They go, he tells us to take the Uber.

He needs another 10 minutes. I was like, how Italian is this fucking guy that he's telling people to leave? I'll get my own car because I need 10 more minutes to get ready. What the fuck are you doing? We're going to a baseball game. It's T-shirt time. Cabs are here, Vinny. Cabs are here.

Get in. I had never heard such a thing in my entire life. I need another 10. Put this shirt on and go outside. He's sprit in the cologne. Just so perfect. Doing the tape up here. And then we were driving in the car.

I was driving down. He might need to take a shit or something. Maybe he's taking a shit. You never know. But he's Italian, so it was probably like primping his hair. If I had to guess, it wasn't shit. If I had to guess, it was primping going on. And then

we were driving in the car on the way down here and Vinny was doing the music, which he did a pretty good job. It was shaky at start. That's bold, too. If I have a new job and I'm hanging out outside of work for the first time, I'd be like, you guys play the music. I don't know what you want.

It was like, Vinny's like, I'll do the music. He didn't actively say it, but I think his phone was already connected to the music. Yeah. I don't know what you want. Well, it was like Vinny's like, I'll do the music. He didn't actively say it, but I think his phone was already connected to the Bluetooth. Yeah. And I, we said, I have, I just put on the high fidelity playlist.

We're in a mix of group of people who have different musical tastes. I put on the high fidelity. No one ever complains. It's usually pretty great. I just put on my taste of music and fuck you guys. And, and when we first got in the car, it was like, I didn't say it in the car It was like

I didn't say it in the car But in my head when I was thinking The first few songs felt like I was in the elevator to a sex club Like it was That's when I felt like the ride back What songs make you feel like you're going to a sex club? It's like

Bass heavy but not like techno like you know like a hotel like lounge sort of vibe like uh i can't really do it justice it's like a drake passion fruit sort of no no no no no like it's base heavy it might it might just be called like house music i don't really but like it's base heavy slow techno um where i was like oh this is this is what you would expect an Italian to put on. And then he got there. Then he got Stapleton in the mix, and he got some Zach Bryan in the mix. He spread it around good.

But eventually on the drive, I looked at the computer screen in the car now, and his phone was connected. Oh, you didn't know this. Italian Vinny. Don Chen's is his phone's name. You know what it says when my iPhone's connected? John's iPhone. It doesn't say it. What's his last name?

No, no, his name's Vincenzo. So Don Chens. Don Chens. Italian son of a bitch. Ten more minutes for Don Chens, please. I mean, you could throw Vinny right out the fucking window. Your new name is Don Chens. That's for certain.

Yeah, you guys don't know this. That's his Instagram handle. That's his old email before Barstool. You know what's funny is fucking Paz is a wop, but we don't say anything about that. Oh, my God. Paz might go to the Irish now. I was going to say, he looks like a Mick compared to Don Chens. Paz is a wop, but we don't say anything about that. Oh, my God. Paz might go to the Irish now. I was going to say, he looks like a Mick compared to Don Chen. Paz is a Steph Curry.

Are you 100%? No, I'm 50% Irish. Yeah, you got that in you. I'm not even real Italian. Yeah, Don Chen's on the other hand. Don Chen's. Kathy and Don Chen's going to need 10. But the other hand. Don Chen's. Kathy and Don Chen's going to need 10. But the game started.

That is great. I'm happy to see that. As much as I hate the Italians, I do really appreciate. They'll forever be. It's like LeBron and Steph Curry. Forever me and the Italians will just go back and forth until we're all dead. You know what I mean? Like I don't want to say I respect them because I absolutely don't, you dirty guineas.

But like there is just a – there's a – you're a worthy opponent in some regard. And I'm happy to see that there's still Italians like that around. Like you guys, you had your fucking – you had a Celtics in the 50s and 60s-esque run when Jersey Shore was popping and that techno was rolling and all of that. You guys were on top of the fucking world. And I think it's kind of slowed down a little bit, but I'm happy to see that there's still the guys who go, yeah, call me Don Chenzo. Incredible. I can't even imagine a world where I would be like, yeah, no, call me Don Chenzo. We said Dante the Don in here for Monday's episode.

We're Don Chenzo. Using the Don as the name is so funny. I mean, I guess I don't do this either, but there definitely are people who are like, hey, I'm Mikey the Mick. And I've got the fucking shamrock on my arm. For sure. And don't say car bomb in front of me. There's a few of those.

There's just a lot more of the Italians. So it's very funny that we've got one on the team. Because now it's also like, I got an Italian friend. I can make fun of everybody. Not that I ever really needed an excuse. But now we got Don Chen's on the squad. We all have that long, nagging, home home to-do list that we keep putting off. It's full of annoying things that need to be fixed.

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fix and things that I'm upgrading. And it's little things that I'm like, I don't need like a million different problems that I need to fix and things that I'm upgrading. And it's little things that I'm like, I don't need like a construction team here, but I also don't know what I'm doing. And if I can hop on and just talk to someone at front door and they can tell me the one little thing I need to do to fix it, or I know they can come and fix it, I'm going to be using them this entire renovation process. You should too.

Download the app now and get a free video chat. That's front door. Download the app now and get one free video chat uh that's front door download the app now and get one free video chat um all right let's get into uh some one minute man and then we'll do some voicemails and then we'll get into our interview with heather mcmahon who is maybe my favorite person in the world she's the best she uh she threw her back out on tour and is now just doing her tour in front of like arenas in a fucking wheelchair she's such a game gangster. Dave Grohl? Yeah, it really is like Foo Fighters, foot up on the fucking rest, just rocking.

Before we do this, I gotta pee again. You gotta pee again. John, I don't know if he has bladder cancer, or if his bladder has been shrunk, or if he has a prostate issue, but the man pisses, I would say, three times an hour. We gotta look and see if mangoes are like a diuretic.

Right? I mean, no joke. I would say it's not a full three. I would say he averages two and a half bathroom breaks per hour. I also go to the bathroom a ton. Almost the same amount as Johnny. You just don't notice as much because I'm back. In the car sometimes, I'm like – I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to be that guy. But I have to pee so bad that I can't move from this position until we get up or else Pete is going to fall out. But when you find that one spot where like your bladder is not getting pushed or whatever, you're just like, I'll just stay like this for another hour. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I mean it's at least twice an episode bordering on three every single time.

Pabs, you're not going to get this reference, but right now you've got a Wilson thing going on from Home Improvement because of the iMac in front of you. So it just seems like we're – Have you ever seen Home Improvement? No. I mean, I know what it is, but I've never seen it. Home Improvement was the best.

What does that mean? The neighbor, Wilson, his face was always obscured. You could only see half of it. He always just – like you just saw the top. I think they revealed it at the very end. It was the finale. It was the very last episode. I mean I remember that was like a cultural moment.

Did you see Wilson's face? It was just a fucking regular-ass face. But that was before like IMDb where you could look up what people look like. Right, right. You just didn't even know. What a fucking move by them that's so smart to just be like and you know the neighbor like the advice giving neighbor will just only have half a head yeah it was such a fun and then and then they got silly with it where

if he walked past the fence he'd be carrying a yeah yeah yeah yeah and that was al borland always had his his uh plaid on yeah By the way, Heidi DM'd me. Really? Obviously not Pamela Anderson, the OG Heidi, but the brunette Heidi. Super hot. And I think it was something like she had a viral video that she wanted me to post or something like that. But I was like, man, if you could

have told me back then that Heidi would have reached out to me, I would have come. Heidi from the Hills no from home improvement you watch home improvement oh yeah yeah um all right one minute man first topic is a shitty one man uh israel adesanya's uh girlfriend stylebender the uf middleweight champion, his ex-girlfriend is suing him for half of his worth.

Sugar Sean O'Malley told the story on the podcast. And to be fair, that's the only confirmation, if you want to call it that. And Sean was like, I don't really know all the details. I don't think Stylebender has said anything. There's not any news articles. It's all just from this one podcast appearance so take it with a grain of salt but um she was never married to him they never had any kids they just were dating

boyfriend and girlfriend and she's suing for half i just like don't you have shame don't you have shame? Don't you have any sort of self-respect to be like I know that people are going to be like you fucking suck and there are people out there who are just like I could never do that

I could never do it I know some people who might do it to me yeah that's what I mean this is not setting a good precedent. Now, I immediately, being the ignorant American that I am, I'm like, there's only like six states that even do common law marriages. Because everyone right away says, common law marriage. Common law marriage is almost designed more for people who want to get married without having to do the paperwork. It's like, okay, it's almost like for the couple together to be like, we're married, but we don't have to sign the paperwork.

It's not really designed for you to try to fuck somebody like this. There's common law marriage. There's not really common law divorce. Yeah, you're going to have to loophole find it. Well, so in America, there's like six states that do it. And it's not really – people think states that do it and it's not really people think if you if you like google it it's seven years if you date someone for seven years you're married common law marriage pops into existence and that's it and that's just like

not the case at all what like uh just let me think of uh um uh wedding crashers where i was like someone imagine like someone like on your like seven day and they're like you're married now it's like why you've been dating for seven years what if i was faithful for none of them right right like that every time i every time i fuck someone else to that we start the clock we it has been this many days since i last fucked somebody um but the the i was actually reading a case about a case um that was like first of all i think it should only be if you were together like forever one person gave up their career and their job and didn't learn any new skills in the workplace because they were taking care of kids and staying

at home and then you dump them and they're like i have no means to make money that i understand you got to give up some cash if it's just like we broke up and now you're killing it and i want your money fuck that and fuck you um but a lot i was reading about a case of like a man and a woman who had like several years together they they went through like it it can the time that together does matter whether or not you live together matters whether or not you share like accounts matter whether or not you publicly present as a couple like if you introduce yourself as like this is my husband or wife like they like take that into account like well that's fair totally if you're introducing really he's my wife but like it's just funny that like you

that's crazy like you can just uh like if you do that you should be mentally unfit for marriage if you say that if you're just dating and you're married. Well, but again, usually this is more about like we're in love and we believe in love, but we don't believe in like the government. So we're married. But like we didn't officially do it. Not like we're trying to fuck somebody over, trying to do loopholes. But they went as far as like the judge was like looking at if you ever filled out like their're you're their person's emergency contact on a on some paperwork like that counts uh and this one guy he wore a fucking wedding ring and he said i just happen to like that ring and it fit good on my left finger doc or uh your honor and they were like yeah okay and they obviously ruled against him and the girl got half but in

all my infinite american ignorance stylebender's not american so none of those laws fucking matter but he's from new zealand where they they will also do all those things like look at all these uh you cohabitate are you having sex do you share accounts do you financially depend on someone but also one of the things and i think it's like it's not all of it together i think it's like it's not all of it together i think it's like if any of these get checked one of them is just where you're together for three years three years is not enough time no there are a lot a lot of three-year relationships that are pretty much over after one and then you're sticking around for two because you're

i need three to work up the cars break up up. Right. If three-year relationships... I've been married like four times. There are plenty of times where you're in a long relationship where you're like... I'm like, oh, we're not going to last. But I dated her for three years.

It's actually like I have an internal clock that knows. I've never dated anyone for three years. Really? You caught it off? By internal clock, I mean external woman who doesn't like me and dumps me. my internal clock i mean external woman put that in the hall of fame that is fucking funny dude that is hilarious i've i've had like a long i had like a long college relationship a long

uh uh high school like i guess high school is only like two years but like it's half high school so that feels like it's eternity you know what i mean i had a college relationship a high school I guess high school is only like two years but it's half high school so that feels like it's eternity you know what I mean I had a college relationship, a high school relationship and then married but that's crazy dude that's a lot of fucking people and if all it is is just like we lived

I guess also lived together versus dated so there are all these things but apparently like New Zealand law is going to like probably side – like he has to really fight it. Bro, three years isn't long enough to get a degree. It's fucking long enough to lose half your net worth. That is crazy. That's it. I'm never moving to New Zealand.

Bro, it's one thing if it's like I hit the lottery. I got a promotion at work, I play basketball. When you're an MMA fighter, you earn every fucking penny. You put your life on the line literally. And some chick is just going to swoop in there and be like, I was around when you were working out in the beginning. And it's like, yeah, I'm sure she was cooking him dinner and folding his laundry. But it's like he was still the one doing the fucking work. He wasn't with him.

I'd have worn a sweaty shirt if it was going to cost me $150 million. Right. I would have done all this myself, bitch. So fucking hopefully that is thrown out. I like the – was she financially dependent on you? Yeah. I didn't want her to be. I would have preferred if she was working.

Totally. She was a burden for three years, Your Honor. Shouldn't that be considered time served? I wasn't actively being like, don't you dare get a job. Keep using my money. I hated it from Jump Street. I said there's only one

person that gets to unfairly take UFC fighters' wages, and that's Dana White. That's their commissioner. Everybody else, you don't deserve it. Have you heard of Bert Kreischer? I would imagine you have because you're listening to this podcast and he's been on it about a thousand times. And or you live in today's society,

and Bert Kreischer is absolutely everywhere from your computer to your phone to your TV screen and now to the big screen the big boy Bert stand-up comedian extraordinaire known as the machine Sony is putting out a new must-see movie to kick off the summer starring Bert himself based on the outrageous true-ish story of Bert Kreischer that blew up on the internet the movie picks up 23 years after the iconic story from Burt's signature set. When I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. It's his true

experience with Russian mobsters while on a booze-soaked college trip. That trip from college has come back to haunt Burt as he and his estranged father, played by the legendary Mark Hamill fucking Luke Skywalker, are kidnapped back father played by the legendary mark hamill fucking luke skywalker are kidnapped back to russia by the mob to atone for something that they say he did together burt

and his father must retrace the steps of his younger self played by the hilarious jimmy tatro in the midst of a war with a sociopathic crime family all while attempting to find a common ground in their often fraught relationship it's like he took Van Wilder with the father-son thing, and then he combined it with the machine story and his career and his life as a dad. It is like the culmination of Burt Kreischer. He is the man, the myth, the machine. So make sure you buy your tickets.

Go see The Machine in theaters out this Memorial Day. Make a weekend of it on a rainy summer day or even on a nice day grab the family get inside a nice air-conditioned theater watch bert eat some snacks and live out the machine alongside of bert get your tickets now the machine is exclusively in theaters may 26th rated r um we got uh news from billy marland, the Fyre Fest creator. Fyre Fest is how many years old now? Are we at a point where young kids might not even know what Fyre Fest is? I'd say four.

Four years old? Yeah. I think it was just before COVID. Yeah. Okay. So everybody still knows what Fyre Fest is. It was the influencer trip, gone awry. It looked like it was Katrina the the sandwiches the nobody showed up

the passports were being stolen i don't know what katrina is true truly a all-time calamity like like if you say the word fire fest people you know it means like it took on a meaning of its own you can just show a picture of that guy and everyone goes that was the dude who said he would suck dick for water at fire yeah yeah that's how that's how much like it took over pop culture anyway billy mcfarland's out of jail hydro homie for scamming people and he says he's committed to creating and doing the real fire fest the way it was supposed to be and the way he's going to do that is by raising funds by making fire fest the broadway show you're a broadway guy john are you going to go see fire fest on broadway fucking right you're goddamn right you're a genius i hope it's like the i

hope it's like the fast and the furious of broadway i hope like we're not going to take ourselves too seriously we're going to have we're going to have people with like great voices belting it out singing about the grilled cheese sandwiches and the fema tents and kendall jenner and all that shit i think i think it has a chance to be an all-time great show i i love how you followed up a topic where at one point you said don't you have any shame with billy mcfarland with Billy McFarlane is making Firefest the musical. That's so true. And I support him entirely and I hate her. The Broadway musical titled Firefest 1.5.

Oh, wait, let's see. Things totally blew up. So now I'm announcing two things today. One, that Firefest 1.5 is going to be a Broadway musical. And two, we're in talks with partners to pay back all of my restitution and execute Fyre Fest 2 according to the original vision. I like how that was the second announcement. You might get your money back. First announcement, I'm taking more money.

Second announcement, all those people who I owe money to, I'm going to get you back. I'm going to get you back. He's literally talking about a Ponzi scheme like just moving money around um i think i i've often thought to myself like what would i do if i had like elon musk money jeff bezos money when you have like genuinely unlimited for all intents and purposes and and one of the things i said I would do is I would bring back all canceled TV shows that have a cult following. I'd be like, here's all the financing you need. Go get the producers, go get the actors, go get the writers.

I'll double everyone's rate. I want to be the guy who brought back the Black Donnellys, you know, go down in history. I would do shit like this too. I'd go get Billy Donovan or Billy McFarlane and I'd be like, let's fucking do it. Here's a billion to pull off fire fest the right way one entire billion dollars to this can't con man scam artist and and watch either it come to fruition and it's awesome and it's like i did it or it just all happens again and it's like how could you do that how

could you know you can't give them a billion because a billion you can get done. You got to give them just – Just not enough. Just not enough. Yeah. Just under the amount it would take. Be like, here's $100 million. I want it next week. Make it happen right away.

Yeah, that's exactly what I would do. I would be like my personal – like my own reality show. I would be like you – I'm bankrolling you but it's in an unrealistic period of time or unrealistic unattainable thing. But I would do – this is exactly what I would do. I would back pieces of shit like Billy McFarland. It must be so frustrating. He's actually not – I mean he's like a scammer. But I think he's been on PMT before. Oh, yeah.

No, but he's detestable. Oh, he is? Yeah. I was like maybe he's one of those guys who's kind of endearing no no no he's the worst okay yeah i think he's i think he's on macrodosing detestable is a great word that is a great word no there's nothing endearing he's a real piece of shit yeah i'd back him i'd back for someone for someone who has so so money grubbing for him to be locked up during fire fest there's actually like like billy mcfarland must be wondering did i die and i'm in hell because like you're in prison and you can't monetize the biggest thing you tried

the thing you created went super viral right and like you just can't now you get out you're like i'm gonna do it again everybody we lost interest nobody yeah years nobody fucking the moment we had like someone told us like like uh pfizer has a vaccine we're like oh we don't give a fuck about fire fest and and joe dirt what's his name joe exotic joe exotic like you were fucking bye you were the heroes quote unquote-unquote, of the pandemic and nothing more. I will – if Ja Rule is there, I'll take a minute of interest. I want to see Ja Rule take the stage at a true Fyre Fest just to be like it came full circle. They did it.

Other than that – No, I'm not rooting for them. I don't want to – I'd like to see them try again. I want to see them try and fail. Yeah. I want them to put it together like they finally get it and it's going great and there's a mass shooting. I told you you couldn't do it, Billy. I don't have to wish for it.

It's just going to happen. I was going to say, there's a mass shooting every day. There's a strong chance. Don't get mad at me. Don't be aghast at me. How do you say that? It happens every day. I hope they do it, and I hope it just happens again.

And I hope everyone that paid like $10,000 is like, well, we should have seen this coming. I want them to serve Kraft singles on a piece of bread again and then be like, what? What? Well, you guys, you went to Fyre Fest. What'd you fucking think? Oh, it's a Fast and Furious. It's something crazy

happening with cars. Yeah, you went to Fyre Fest. Fyre Fest happened. That's what they should do. They should do Fyre Fest and it's just Fyre Fest. That's what you mean. We told you.

That's what you saw. They did multiple documentaries on what was going to be. There would be people who want to experience that Fyre Fest. I want it to be the Fyre Fest. That's what I would want.

Don't make it nice. Make it even shittier. It's like naked and afraid. The sickos who want that, that's what Fyre Fest is. A tiger can't change its stripes. A Fyre Fest can't change its existence. I really think that – and we've talked about this pretty extensively in fact. But I really think that anyone who wishes for good things to happen to them is an idiot.

It is – like you want to go have a fun time? Why? So you can get one Instagram picture. Everything you should do, wake up and root for fucking chaos. We had a group text even on Saturday with Kelly Martin. And she was like, oh, I guess Kelly – Kelly's commuting. First baptism for her baby

the dress the the her dress the baby's dress and the dad's suit were all at a dry cleaner and she went to pick it up and they were closed for an emergency and she was freaking out it was like but it's gonna be memorable because now you're gonna be you're gonna get one good picture out of it well listen but it's funnier to be like, yeah, we had to have her in my mom's diaper the whole time. Yeah, we didn't have any clothes. We put her in a ratty old t-shirt. That's funnier. For a diaper.

I don't know where I came from. But I was on Saturday morning, I was like, I'm so jealous. I get jealous. I wish I had a fucking story. And that's not a crazy story, but what you have. I was like, I wish I had a fucking story. Well, I mean, but people do. And that's not a crazy story, but what you have to do to get out of it. You want the story for the gram.

Like people, you know what I mean? It's like it kind of is cyclical. It's like you want that story to happen to you, but not just to experience it because you want to tell everybody about it. Yeah, right, right. happened to you but not just to experience because you want to tell everybody about it yeah right right and and uh like i always think back to like just like when i was growing up we had this uh my grandfather's house with the big table and like before when you finished dinner you couldn't leave the table until you told the story and it was like even i like even the kids was like you can't get up like john harry what's your story and like never was like someone like to tell us i'm telling a good story but something good happened yeah yeah yeah and like no you know don't get wrong it's like this is like

you know it wasn't any like set time it wasn't like we had this weekly dinner my grandfather's it was just like no no no it was just we had whenever dinner happened stories were always like it was always like for you to take your dishes, what happened? Give me a story. And it was never a good story. And that would have been perfect. Just like, oh my God, we had Lily's baptism and like this. And everyone was like,

oh, no way. No one was like, something good happened to me. No one fucking cares about that story. Nobody gives a fuck. No. I mean, but some people

are just addicted to doing it for Instagram. I think at this point we have to consider John Morant addicted to showing guns on Instagram. He does it for the love of the game. He was on a live stream of his buddies that had 112 viewers. And he's shaking that little tiny gun around again. I love that it's still that little fucking gun. And I just – I would love to get John Morant on the show and have an honest conversation. The TikTok that they made of him with the rat from 8 Mile is so perfect.

I haven't seen it. Have you seen it? It's like the Papa Doc thing. He's like, you're a gangster. Your real name is Clarence. His real name is like Tartavius. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he went – he didn't go to Cranbrook, but he went to like something very close but no he hasn't oh he didn't

no that that is i i so this is an older tiktok this is it okay yes i have seen this i thought it was a new one yeah if you google crestwood it's not a private school and it is one of the worst schools in south carolina there you go. Because I was thinking that. All these pictures are funny, though. Him, like, I mean, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be, like, a gangster and you're, like, in your polo. Like, so at some point, and maybe he ended up, like, if that is a rough school and, like, maybe that was his external life outside of the home.

But at some point, you go from, like, you know, I got my polo on with my glasses taking photos with my family to like, I'm about that life. It's like, well, one of these is entirely fake. And maybe the family one is. I don't know. But it usually goes the other way around. So it's just to be tweeting at people like you can feel these hollow points and then have these pictures of you. It's kind of like, what's going on? He clearly is about that life.

He's like put like fucking, I don't know, about that life. That's what I mean. He's just having a gun. He's more about that life. He's put fucking... I don't know about that life. That's what I mean, though. He's just having a gun. He's more about that life than I am. I don't have the gun. I'm not flashing guns and money and shit like that. Didn't they have fucking red dot lasers on the Indiana Pacers?

Right, that's what I mean. He's bringing the guns, at least. He's a lot closer than most people give him credit for. Right. If you're waving a gun at a fucking bus full of NBA players, you're halfway to the life. Yeah. I don't know if you're fully about that life. You're more to the life than I am.

Yeah. But it's – I mean when I saw that it was his friend's Instagram and you see his friend. Like he's dancing and he kind of shows it and Ja puts it up real quick. And I don't know if that guy even registered or whatever but he quickly like puts it down. Like all of a sudden you're looking at nothing. And I think he know if that guy even registered or whatever, but he quickly puts it down. All of a sudden, you're looking at nothing. And I think he was kind of like, don't put it on the street. Bro, I'll tell you what, though. I thought the strip club one was preposterous and all this good stuff.

I have no idea what John Morant did wrong here. So this is the big discussion. How many fucking pro athletes have their hunting pictures up? Yeah. I i don't know the guy's in a private car with a gun who i'm as not gun as you can be i don't i don't see anything wrong with it i think that is the the bigger discussion i think the only argument to be made is that he probably the the worst thing he did i mean like yes if that gun's illegal and yeah and some people are saying it's not proper protocol the gun yes sure okay but i mean he's not he's not i don't know yeah yeah that's not what people are outraged about what people are outraged about is

him just simply doing it the only thing i think you could say to him is you probably just had a discussion with your team and employer yeah saying i won't do it again, and you did it again. That, to me, your team can be like, you fucking asshole. 100%. If he gets suspended, I think the players' union will have a very serious appeal on their hands to be like, what? He wasn't in a public place.

He was in his buddy's car with his own gun. That's for me fine. John Morant is a buffoon. He's a dumb dickhead. But he's willing to speed limit. Yeah, right. Again, you, no. That's going to be fine. Your Honor, John Morant is a buffoon. He's a dumb dickhead. But he's willing to speed limit. Yeah, right. Again, yeah, you're right. If that was a picture of me just holding my hunting rifle with the deer I just killed,

it would be totally fine. The NFL players I follow do it all the time. They all have guts. Yeah, yeah. So there is definitely a bigger and more nuanced discussion. But the general vibe of just like, God damn it, John Morant, stop putting your gun on Instagram. That, to me, is so fucking funny.

Like, Chappelle would do a great skit about this. You know, it's just like, John, did it again? He fucking did it again. But yeah, there really isn't anything inherently wrong with what he's doing. And then last thing, shout out to the ESPN broadcast. The Red Sox had a game on Mother's Day on Sunday, and they decided to talk to Tristan Cass. Is that his name?

Cassis. Cassis. They said – By the way, speaking of that, the Red Sox, like, it was crazy. I obviously don't follow the Sox as closely as I used to. That ninth inning in particular was insane because it was my first time seeing all the rules in place. I didn't understand what was happening.

But no one in my section did. We were looking around like, what is happening right now? Because Kenley Jensen kept fast pitching. Because there was time on the clock, but they were calling him for... So we're like, 12 seconds on the clock, what do you mean? You almost need the refs in football to talk to the stadium. He's hitting his watch, which makes you think time violation, but there 12 seconds on the clock what do you mean you almost need like a like the refs in in football to like talk to the yeah i think he's hitting his watch which makes you think time violation but there's time on the clock so i didn't know about the fast pitch but second of all

i like tristan casas i know but like looking at that lineup i was like i know like six guys in the lab dude that's like the mets pitching the mets pitchers are tbd like every night and then their bullpen is like who the fuck are these guys? But Sunday Night Baseball decided to do one of those in-game interviews on Mother's Day, and they said, let's pick the guy with the dead mom. Right off the rip, Carl Ravitch is like, you know, it's Mother's Day, but your mom died, so what does it mean to you? And you can see he kind of like – He looks at the camera. It's only when he finds the camera.

He handles himself very well, but the first second you can tell he's like, what the fuck, dude? Someone in the next nanosecond, someone might hit a baseball 100 miles an hour. You're reminding me of my dead mom. And he's just like, yeah, you know, well, that was a tragic thing that happened to me and my brother, which made me think. I was like, did she like – was it truly tragic? I mean you lose your mom in tragedy. Was it like murder or a car wreck or like instant or something?

I wasn't able to find how it happened. But it was just like, yeah, here's this young man. Hey, it's Mother's Day. Everyone is talking about how much they love their moms. What do you think about your dead one? Notice you didn't have an IG post today tristan what's that all about it was just an all-time but but it's kind of to go back to what we were just talking about i watched this and i felt nothing but jealousy because you want you want the story i wish my

mom was dead and that happened to me because i I would have been like – Just to go viral and be like – It's pretty good. Someone who really loves a good dead person joke. Oh, that would have been my moment right there. That might be the dead friend slash family member pinnacle. Yeah. That's up there. Right, Colleen?

I was going to say – I was about to say, what are we doing for Father's Day, Colleen? But I didn't have the heart to do it. What did you say recently? We were like watching a video and somebody said something about dead parent. You were like, I do. Yeah, it was kill your dad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll kill your dad for you. You're like, is your mom dead? Yeah. Yep. So, yeah, shout out to espn all right let's get into our voicemails and then we'll get our interview going what do we got attention all partiers and ragers we have just crafted the perfect drink for you pirate water this is straight from the producers of four loco anditas, the people who know how to make the party drinks. They've provided you with Pirate Water, the drink of a generation.

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two dollars a can 16 ounces 10 alcohol by volume and four different flavors margarita sex on the beach bahama mama and miami vice it's the official sponsor of kfc radio live so we drink of all on tour everywhere we go and as does all the people in the audience it makes for one a hell of a show and one hell of a night so go to drink pirate water.com to find pirate water in a location near you or order on gopuff what's up boys got a little fights fun fact uh did you know that 9-11 is the reason why my chemical romance became a band what yeah gerard way saw the towers for him was like i need make music. And because of that, that's how Twilight became a thing. Because that bitch was obsessed with My Chemical Romance. So she started writing fan fiction about them.

And that turned into Twilight. It makes you think what other national tragedies out there inspired people to do something. I mean, that's pretty crazy. Wait, so Niles is the best thing ever. The fun fact is amazing. Dude, I love this. And then you know what it is? What's great is you can steal fun facts, and now you have fun facts, and they just proliferate.

Bro, I can't wait to get done with this. I'm going to call my mom, just so you know, Osama bin Laden wrote Twilight. Wait, so Chemical Romance started because of 9-11, and then Twilight started because of Chemical Romance? Yes. Got it. Yeah, so that's a little 60 Reasons of Separation plus fun facts. That's a little, you know, that's a little, those two things coming together. Osama Bin Laden is responsible for 9-11, but he's also responsible for Robert Pattinson's career,

so kind of a wash. Bro, wait a minute. Isn't it like, isn't, and then I also think Fifty Shades of Grey was like Twilight-inspired? Really? Something like that. I can see that so you could make the you could make the argument that because of osama bin laden middle-aged women everywhere in like the mid-2000s were just coming and getting choked and slapped and shit chicks like getting choked

out now the reason twilight fan fiction 50 shades of gray was really twilight fan fiction so osama bin laden leads to my chemical romance leads to twilight leads to 50ama bin Laden leads to My Chemical Romance, leads to Twilight, leads to Fifty Shades of Grey, leads to your mom coming with a fucking vibrator for the first time. That is incredible. If you have a girlfriend with you, fuck, you better thank Osama bin Laden. When you lay down,

every fucking girl who's like, choke me, choke me, I want you to say, bin Laden said so. Bro, I just want to have the roughest sex in the world. Choke a girl out. Slap her in the face. Spit on her.

Come on her face. And then lay my head down on the pillow and go, thanks, Osama. That's how James Dean should end every porn. Salute Osama bin Laden. We know Kim K started with 9-11, right? So now we need to start ending them. That's going to be a hard one to top. I mean, that's the most – I didn't know that.

Because the fact itself is fine, but where we can take it from here – De-extrapolate. Oh, my God. Because anything that connects to – I'm sure there's other bands that connect to My Chemical Romance, sure there's other bands that connect to my chemical romance and there's other things that connect to twilight that means that means christian stewart academy that show is by gerard way that's all that bro osama bin laden he's like responsible for like everything that happened after 2001 dude dude music and let's let's start a new thing let's uh respect bin laden well you know how there's like... And honestly, I think

it's the women who need to thank him more. There's a sexual liberation. No longer shy to ask for whatever they want to ask for. You know who really needs to thank Osama Bin Laden? Alexander Cooper. Alexander Cooper. Alexander Cooper made $60 million because the towers fell.

That girl exploited 9-11. Bro, this is the best. This is the best. Six Degrees of Separation with Kevin Bacon became a game for this very reason. So we need to rename it, and it has to rhyme with Bin Laden or something. The Six Degrees you can play with that is unbelievable. Sophia really hates him

sofia's a real patriot bro i didn't know my chemical romance has absolute fucking heaters wait thanks what's the story they just watched it fall and they were like they were like 99 percent of people watch the towers fall like i gotta join the army no gerard way i think like saw them in person so i think he was like in brooklyn and could see it falling right and he saw that and he was like i gotta write a song about this or just like i need to become an artist i've heard this before that's crazy yeah that is it that that that that raises the bar for fun facts by the way people got to come in hot hot i'm gonna stop eating uh all right next up from this girl with the gray hair. Another fun fact.

I'm sorry. We'll move on. I just want to say thank you to the guy in the Vipers. The Pit Vipers just said that. Like, that's... It just keeps getting better and better. We went from fucking... William the Conqueror.

We're going to be so smart. William the Conqueror, cats and dogs. Osama bin Laden is responsible. Cadillacs in Cuba. 1955. So good. We ignored the voicemails that I send in. We ended up getting the pictures, which was awesome.

Shout out Jackie. You love her. Anyways, last night, my mom was saying, Oh my God, is he wearing a Michael Bolton shirt? Because Kevin was wearing that. And I was like, I don't know who that is and so today my mom she went to like a thrift store and then she texted me a picture of what she got for me and i was like wait i'm not gonna see for a couple months like what i love how she's like whispering this is and it was a michael bolton cd so she's like so you'll know who he is because i

didn't know and she thought it was really funny but she was also telling me she was like all the girls in like the 80s love michael bolton but i did he was i think she used the word awfulness so she's wondering kevin is the michael bolton shirt joke? Because she was thinking if it is a joke, she thinks that would be really funny. But she said it's not a joke. I think she's a little concerned. I love her voice. I love this girl. I love the mom.

I'm telling her Kevin likes old school hip hop. So based on her description of Michael Bolton, that sounds off brand for Kevin. But I don't Kevin but I don't I don't know I don't know this daughter mother daughter duo this was not we had mothers on Mother's Day in Stanford

but this duo was at the Wilbur and let me tell you both mom and daughter could have got it she was having a time And let me tell you, both mom and daughter could have got it. She was having a time. Michael Bolton is a national treasure, and there's nothing more to say about that. There was a period of time, it was probably office space related, when Michael Bolton is like Michael Bolton's asshat or whatever he calls him.

Why should I change my name? He's the one who sucks. Yes. That's a great line. And there was a time where everyone kind of... It was like Michael Bolton makes elevator music. And there is some truth to that. I strongly disagree with that.

But he has some like 106.7 Light FM type songs. Okay. So there is that. But he's also got... But they're also fucking bangers. Yeah. And they're also classics. And you also have How Can We Be Lovers If We Can't Be Friends, and Lonely Island, and he's fucking the man.

I'm a Michael Bolton guy. Like through and through. Everything I've ever seen – I'm not going to pretend I have the deepest knowledge of Michael Bolton's catalog, but everything I've ever seen with Michael Bolton I loved. I mean those are power ballads, man. Power ballads. The king. ballads man that like my power balance that the the king bro when when in how can we be lovers when the the the record goes like like and like the beat drops out and then hits again and he's like how can we it's oh no he goes up we can work it out oh the chorus hits again it's an amazing

moment in music history so no that was the real deal. And shout out to mom and daughter who were just... They were on one, for sure. That was all time. Heather McMahon on the podcast. Let's talk to her. Oh, yeah? Bro. Wait, what? What did you say? He got me addicted to... No! This is the problem. You're a role

model, John. You have real power. Mango is... Are you even aware of this? Is the dried mango maria born on our golf trip and fight seats oh that's why there's so much fucking mango rode out listen this man was eating 60 servings of mango per week it has a really high sugar content like how yeah like. Do you have diabetes? Like where are you at? Well,

we're on the way, brother. No sugar added. So it's just fruit. Oh, sure. People make a whole hullabaloo about the fruit sugars. And me, a scientist, I've decided it doesn't matter. The fruit sugars. Yeah.

And it was like, it was replacing, my 60 servings of mango were replacing 12 bags of sour patch Which that is a step up. Wow. See, I love a sweet treat, but I don't go fruity. I go full peanut butter. I go chocolate. Do you eat chocolate ice cream? I eat.

I think that's a little odd. I eat caramel cone ice cream from Haagen-Dazs. Sponsor me. Caramel cone. Your face had like a visceral change. I don't understand the caramel thing. Listen, I'm a sick fuck. I love a butterscotch. I'll suck on a Werther's heart.

I know. That Rolling Stones shirt makes a lot of sense. 36. 36 years old. Werther's original. Smells like a grandpa who will assault you. But I'm more of a cookie dough Give me peanut butter, give me a cookie dough

So we were not too long ago We were going to come out with our own ice cream And the deal ended up falling apart But we came out with three different versions One was like an espresso I like espresso martini So we did like an espresso with like pretzel bits It had a crunch to it

I love a crunch One was we just did like a buttery waffle, Eggo type vibe, whatever. I don't remember why we did that. And then the last one, we just straight up said, what the world is missing

is a cookie dough ice cream with enough cookie dough. And I said, is there a reason why you guys, these people who like manufacture ice creams. And I was like, is there a reason why big ice cream refuses to put more cookie dough in?

And they said it's just a money thing. Like it costs more and then you don't make as much. And I said, fuck the margins or whatever the problem is. We're not going to make money. Double the dough. And it can't be like we're not going to make any money. Maybe we'll make less money, but I bet you we'll sell more fucking pints of it. Because I'm the guy who eats the cookie dough all at once and

then i have just like vanilla ice cream i'm the exact same way i skirt around it also if you could do like a brownie dough you know what i mean any dough really yeah yeah you could do raw pizza dough i don't give a fuck just dough me up i make uh you know like the pillsbury crescent rolls i'll just eat the like before it's even cooked i start eating that stuff the grand's biscuits you know you pop them open i'm'm still scared of that. The pop? I always go, ah! Yeah.

Like, that turned on the garbage disposal scares me. Yeah. And plugging anything in scares me. Those are the three, like, I can't look while I do it. But I am actually... Plugging anything in? Oh, boy. Because sometimes you get that blue spark.

That pop, yeah. I'm like, this is it. Everyone has the fear that you've left your curling iron or straightener on. And so literally, I've run back in the house 65 times to check it. I have to unplug it, wrap it up, put it in a drawer. Don't they use those on a timer by now? They should. They haven't.

That's a new business investment we could get into. Cookie dough and turn off curling irons. I guarantee every woman listening is like, Heather, me and my Rolling Stones t-shirt, you're using hot rollers from the 40s, okay? Always been an old soul. Every time I plug something in, I look like Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon, where it's just like, here it is, baby. But here's the deal. the despite what our plan was with the ice cream now that i'm thinking about it i appreciate the

lack of it because i like to swish out you know i hit the last basket before you leave so i like to swish out with my ice cream so my last bite needs to be full of cookie dough yeah so more of it excuses me to eat the whole carton where i'm like well i gotta i gotta find that last one all right there's probably another one in here it's's like a little treasure hunt. Keep going. I'm like, okay. There is another one. I knew it. Ben & Jerry's makes the core ones. You ever seen that?

Yeah. Are they just the whole middle? Just the middle. You can see your dick in it. But then I just eat the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I know about the core. Let me tell you what right now. Yeah. I was actually doing a show in Vermont recently, and I went to the Ben & Jerry's headquarters, and you kind of black out there. I have been microwaving my ice cream.

I'm getting too deep in the microwave. I'm the fattest I've ever been. I need to tighten up and ice cream is for sure the culprit. When you're microwaving pints of ice cream every night to get the right consistency, you know you're in too deep. But this is in the name of business, right? This is a write-off.

Your weight gain is a write-off because you're trying to learn it's market research yeah right what she said yeah you're at the phase right now where i like to call tight chubby right i think you look great is what i call it women call it tight chubby and i've kind of lived my whole life tight chubby where it's like everything's kind of firm but it's also not like well you know what i i'm gonna do it right when we're done with this interview i've been saying it for like weeks now i'm gonna get into the spanks game because they make men's shirts the best and that sound it's one of those things we men are coming around on like skincare and shit where it's like we don't just like wash our face with motor oil anymore it's like you can do things to not look ugly how about that yeah you know they're doing like

from from surgery all the way down to just like you don't use bar soap on your face or whatever. But – and Spanx is coming along with that where it's like, wait a minute. All these girls look tiny and snatched and cute because they have like – they're taping it in. They're sucking it in. I would look so much better with a Spanx shirt. Sometimes you just need Spanx to – if you've got like a loose labia to just suck it back in too. My husband just – My labia is crazy. I know. It crazy I know I feel like it's very long we were just on vacation in the Turks

and my husband I'm like he gets his golden dark I was gonna say he's tan as fuck great but I said honey you're already getting an ash you're like let's put some lotion on and he's like oh you gotta do it I don't like lotion I'm like what, Jeff? He said he doesn't like how it feels in the webs of his fingers. I get that. I said, just take a towel, wipe it off, give it to me. We can hold hands. What the fuck? He's like crippled by the feeling of lotions on his hands.

But you use it to jerk off. So he never thinks twice about that. That dick is moisturizing. Yeah, that dick is very soft. Feels good to be back, guys. Feels good to be back. I'll tell you what. On her husband, his dick is very soft. His very dick is very soft.

And listen, any ladies watching this, do not fucking DM them. I'll slit your throats. Stay soft. I have gotten back on the lotion game as of late, but I was off for a while after one failed foray into the game where as of late but i was off for a while after one failed uh foray into the game whereas like an old apartment of mine with the bathroom door wasn't great and i had lotioned

up i was i'm gonna do i'm gonna be an adult i'm gonna start yeah taking care of my skin i think i watched a bill burris skit that got me into it yeah and i got all lotioned up and i don't know if i i don't know how much she's a fair question. I do about a pump and a half for the arm. Okay. And then I go two pumps for the torso. And I go one pump each chest. And then I go two pumps for legs. All right.

What kind of lotion are you using? Hydroboost. It's like a... Marstool Wood. Cream can go further. If you use... Really, lotion is kind of a waste of time. You need a cream.

It's got more water base so that's really going to keep you hydrated I don't know how dry you're getting the problem is though he's an inside out cat I have hair all over my body yeah

so like trying to rub in lotion on this it becomes you're just going around in circles all day it's like Elmer's glue this weekend or maybe Friday

one of the days we had an awful deal last week and it was a nice day. And I was out on my porch thing. And I was reading. And I put on a bunch of suntan lotion. Oh, that's the worst, too, because that is thick.

While I was on the porch. And I never went back inside until I had to go take the piss or whatever. And I saw myself in the mirror. I was in full white face. Yeah. Zinked out. Zinked out hard. i had to go buy a new sundial i can't use that again that was because i rubbed it in enough and all that stuff yeah i

went in there like my teeth looked yellow like it was it was full fucking white face i was in i i have got uh in my older age i have some sort of i can't tell if i have like an allergy to the sun or to sunblock. It's a sunblock, I swear. But I'm putting on the sunblock. But then I'm not putting on the sunblock, so I go out and I get sunburned and it's a vicious cycle. Yeah. I'm just going to be team indoors, truly, now for the rest of my life.

I'm just not going outside anymore. Okay, I hear you. I mean, I got to state. I bought one of those big straw hats. Oh, I love that. Like huge. Yeah. I feel like I've seen you in those.

Oh, yeah. I go full white face on the face because this is the money maker. But you don't have to see you have such nice skin because of it, though. Thank you. Thank you. I do.

But we were just on vacation and the back is just fried. We were sitting on a sandbar and I thought I got it. It is like stage six melanoma on the back right now. It is peeling. You'd think we'd learn. We don't.

Yeah. Like, we would think by now, it's like, no, you didn't get it. Have someone else rub it in. Or like, no, that spray doesn't really work. You need the cream. And nope, still just getting cooked by the sun. It's any time I'm on an edible.

Just losing to the sun. Oh, well, that, yeah. I just forget. You get on an edible. I get too zen, too chill. You know, most people go to, like, you know, anger management. I just take an edible and go on a sandbar. And that's what I do for my –

Where are you from, you guys? Atlanta. Oh, right. Okay. You just moved last time you were on. You had the pastel closet going, right? Yeah. Yeah.

We're back in Atlanta. We're tearing it up. I mean, I'm on the road so much. Maybe some sooner. Yeah. Probably. I do think we're – It's definitely been thrown out.

We got to get to Noonan, man. Yes, to fucking Noonan. That's right. Yeah. How is your investment? Growing great, man. It really is. It'san. That's right. Yeah. How was your investment? It's going great, man. It really is. It's very funny

to make fun of. It's doing fantastic. Yeah, he's making a lot of money. The people of Noonan, I'm sure, are so happy that you came

and did an invest. Okay, so shout out to Noonan. Honey, where did we buy an apartment? Wichita, Kansas. Shout out to Wichita, Kansas. I've never been there. I bet they're fantastic,

but I have a small investment there. She's a real estate mogul. Let's not forget Rock Hill, South Carolina. South Carolina for the people who don't, who want to be in North Carolina but don't want to pay North Carolina taxes.

I love that. I don't know who has better taxes. I would have thought they're the same, but I guess not. They for sure might be that too. I have no idea. It's just what I not. They for sure might be that, too. I have no idea. It's just what I say. Yeah, you are an investment mogul, John. Yeah, I'm becoming a slumlord for content.

I love it. It's all for content. Every day. Every fucking day. I own a few tenements across the country. Are they write-offs? Joe, dude, everything's a fucking write-off. We just don't do any of it.

Dude, I talked to my accountant on Tax Davis last week,'t do any of it. I talked to my accountant on the tax day. It was last week. And my accountant called me. I have not spoken to this woman. She costs a significant amount of money. And I've not spoken to her at all. She called me April 17th. I actually put off, obviously, like everyone, doing all my taxes until the Friday before.

So that would have been the 14th or whatever. And I sent all that. I had gotten it together earlier, but I never sent anything. And I finally said, I but i never sent anything and i finally said i was like it's gonna be so hard it's gonna be so hard i can't tell you how easy it was it took three minutes to get all the forms but she had a gun in her mouth that woman wanted to kill herself so i'm glad it was easy sailing for you okay but but so she's like all right i got it all taken care of. Just like I'm going to send you the DocuSign. Just sign it. Make sure X amount is in your account because it's all going to come out.

Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay. I don't know. Can I just give you a call real quick? I feel a little weird paying that much money without this. Hearing your voice. I've read nothing. Just give me like just two minutes and she's like

there's a human on the other end and she's like she's like i'm busy right now but i'll give you a call when i can today and i was like cool i got nothing going on and uh she called me like two hours later and i was i was at the gym and i answered and i was like hey how's it going like how to do the whisper thing and she's like so X is going for this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I looked up and I saw a sign, absolutely no talking on the floor in the gym. And I was like, you know what? I got to go. It's okay. I'll just sign it and send it over.

You didn't want to walk to the front? That was, bro, that's all that stands between me and all of my money. And you're going to jail forever for tax fraud. A sign that says, please don't talk on the floor in an empty gym. I was like, well, I can't have a 12-year-old yell at me. So sure, I'll just send it and let's be done with this conversation. You're going backwards, bro. You're reverting as a human.

You really are. At least you got sunblock on and skin care. And that's all we can really ask for. You'll be absolutely bankrupt. How about this? I had an accountant for many, many years. My whole family used him. And he's an older gentleman now.

He's getting up there in age. And then this year I had my Barstool Equity vested. So there's like some pretty heavy-duty accounting type shit going on. And God love my accountant. He was more of just like the do your taxes for me and my family you know yeah he was just a middle man for turbo taxes yeah yeah and he he was good he you know he knew the loopholes and the things whatever but i ended up just asking like my boss who are your tax people because i need to make sure you know

everything is all good and my mom then went in to do her taxes and he he gave her a guff that i didn't like break up with him that i didn't like that you moved on that i moved he didn't write him a letter or break up call him yeah that's fucking weird something like after all these years i would have expected him to you know do what buddy like fucking you want to break up sex you want to do my taxes one more time? With a dick pic? With the W-2 under it? What do you want?

You can do it one more time and then we toxically text each other for a while? No, what are you talking about? I thought breaking up with my accountant is not a thing I'd ever have to worry about. I don't think it should be a thing. I got a balling accountant. Shout out to Brian

because I get taxed like an athlete. So anywhere I perform, I get taxed in that state. So you got to have somebody who knows how to crunch the fucking numbers i think you guys should all evade your taxes because i agree i don't know where you're going with this at least once yeah because then when you get caught i think it's a very natural explanation of the whole i get taxed in 50 different states it was in missouri i i forgot what day of the week it was you know who gets audited first as soon as my dad died there's this i i realized this thing if as soon as like a man dies the woman immediately gets audited like my mom has been like a seven year battle over like the most random shit i just found out when i got

this money from barstool i wanted to take care of a few different people and i thought you get taxed on that like right away. And they're like, no, no, no, that's end of life. That's like an estate tax.

Yeah. You can give money now. And then when you die, that's that gets taken care of. And I was like, Oh, well then boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom. Let's go. Let's go. And so, yeah, kids will be absolutely going to get audited as soon as I'm dead.

Yeah. But Hey, you got the money back in 2023. You're good. Listen, I doubt y'all are big, like housewives fanswives fans but for me it's always wild when you see like all these real housewives and stuff they go to jail for like tax evasion like yeah you signed up to do a reality show and then you just didn't pay the government like what the fuck were you thinking are they trying to make an example of them that's why they give them jail time because i thought a lot of

times it's like just just pay it back because like i guess you have to make an active you're trying to evade it versus like, listen, hand up, I'm stupid. Yeah, but there's some of them that were straight up running Ponzi schemes and shit. We were like, that's insane to me. This woman in Salt Lake City was scomming elderly people by getting them to call in and give them all of their monies and then leaving these people destitute.

And she's on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City like, look at my new chinchilla jacket. And you're like, these people have nothing left. She's going to jail for like 12 years. Good, she deserves it. Yeah, fuck you Jen Shaw. I saw a guy, I think in Texas sentenced to life in prison because he got his ninth DUI.

Oh shit. And I think they were just like, you can't be in public anymore. We know you're gonna go get number 10 and 11 and 12, so you're going to jail for life. Did he ever kill anybody in a car? I just read a tweet.

Okay. I'm sure you opened it up. Justice, sir. Number nine, his ninth DUI was that he was a bus driver and there's like a bus full of dead kids. That's probably what the life imprisonment is. No, it was actually all nine of them. He went out hunting for buses. Yeah.

Yeah, that's my version of, you know, I read a tweet, so that's what I saw. But that's almost, I mean, you got to think, you get a DUI, whatever happens. You get two, that's bad luck. You get three, you're a fucking asshole. Alcoholic And then you go through four, five, six, seven And eight And then you get a ninth

I think once you hit four, five Then it flips back the other way But even after two, you're already blowing in the tube in your car So what are you He also must have been robbing cars Doing something Because I know you've got to blow in the tube. You've got a sober girlfriend to just blow in it for you all the time.

You think you have a girlfriend if you were the kind of guy who has 90 wives? You know what? I pray to God he does. I do too. I hope he has some bad bitch on his side. He doesn't have a girlfriend. We'll stay with him through prison. He has a bag full of sober air.

Yeah. He plays like a fucking bagpipe. That is a great idea. Would that experiment work? If I blew... I just thought of it, and I'll tell you what, in my head it works.

I mean, you blow, like, CO2 out, right? If you could bag that somehow. Here you go. On the fields of Offenreich! Bottle of Jameson rattling rattling around the backseat oh shit that'd be fucking amazing uh how's life life's great things are good things are great you do live a great life you guys live a great life that's so sweet seems like you have a great marriage and you're always traveling great marriage fun shit like yeah you're doing it right i don't know where you what you came from but it looks like you have a great marriage and you're always traveling. Great marriage. You're doing fun shit. Yeah. You're doing it right.

I don't know what you came from, but it looks like you're very much enjoying and appreciating the good life now. It's great. It's chaotic. It's nuts. I'm never home. I'm on the road. I've been hustling, grinding, shaking my tits for cash. You know what I mean?

That's the life of a comedian. But it is good. When we get a little time away, it's fun. I mean, the entire new tour is just basically about like my first year of marriage and us getting married in Italy

and the honeymoon we went on like a 30 day honeymoon you guys get married in Italy you're Italian yeah are you Italian

I'm Italian yeah with the last name McMahon though I'm surprised they fucking let you yeah oh trust me I've been in Italy more times than his family

so I don't want to hear it how much do you get of her game checks all this material about the marriage I say I'm the muse Jeff really loves this he's such a muse

well his also thing is he's such a die hard feminist he's like you know what this is bullshit you know women only make 70 cents on the dollar and every guy this is fucked up

I'm going to get up from that table of the patriarchy I'm going to push in my chair and go play golf go shake your tits for cash I'm going to get up from that table of the patriarchy. I'm going to push in my chair and go play golf. Go shake your tits for cash. I'm like, you're too comfortable. The whole news tour is about our first year marriage. I talked about the weddings.

We got to write off the wedding. Talking about accounting. My accountant's like, you talked about it? Fucking write it off. I was like, that's great. You say anything. You put up one photo of the wedding. Please don't write it off. Where did you get married in Italy? Right outside of Florence. Yeah. Yeah, we toured up.

I went way over budget. Way over budget. I didn't think I was going to be one of those bitches. You know what I've realized is that every bitch is. You're right. You think you're not, or you think you're marrying one who's not. And even the most low-key girls I've ever met. Not that they go bridezilla

but they all go like above and behind i i i've never planned a wedding so um uh speaking here from virgin territory but like i feel like it's just unfair like like i i think if i ever did it i'd have to be like just do it and when i get there i'll see it because if i hear about the possibilities that could be yeah because you can't tell me something like here's this that's an extra $3,000 we could have a seafood tower or just do crab cakes

it's either or I'll be like damn I'm pretty sick though and that's all it was it's like it's that 50 times in a row

because you do that for the food you do it for the booze you do it for the band you do it for the chairs you do it for the you know the fucking centerpiece

it's just always like well let's get it i think because we got married later on in life like i've been to so many fucking weddings that i knew what i wanted i'm also an entertainer some money too like yeah i gotta look at when you're younger it's like it's it's it's tough now it's like i can do these things but i did need to prove to my friends that i am a new money bitch so i did have like fireworks that almost set like all of tuscany on fire i had like an opera singer like come out of a cake i was like you will be fucking entertained because i have been to every fucking wedding and i was like i want people to leave and be like this could never be taught yeah and it wasn't from like uh you know everything had to be opulent like ladies dm me if you want to know what to spend

your money on and what not to i'll tell you but i was like there will be entertainment i i'm just a sick fuck like i like people to leave anything even Even if you come over to my house, I'm like, did you have a good time? You could do so much fun. I'm telling stories about you. I went to the McDonald's. You have to do a level up then. The cups are mason jars. That's fun.

Oh, there was not a burlap sack to be seen. The theme for our wedding was House of Gucci Black Tie. But I hadn't seen the movie. So we're flying over to Italy. And I lean over the pod, and I go, Jeff, she murders him viciously at the end of this. He was like, yeah, she does. She murders him viciously. It was fucking wild.

We had a great time, but yeah, I had opera singers. People arrived in private boats coming up the Arno. Yeah. I was just smoking a cigarette on the bank the bank of the the river in florence like you're right i can you know cash some checks that is awesome there will say and i'm not throwing any of your friends under the bus but a couple of jeff's buddies who are dear friends of ours they had pulled him aside years before i had like had a you know a break in my comedy career and they're like how long are you gonna

let her do this like Really sat Jeff down concerned. Listen, when is she going to move into real estate? They were all at the wedding, so I think I just had that in the back of my mind. Fuck you guys. Fuck you, Mark. You're going to see what I can do. You know Mark was sitting there going,

she had a fucking opera singer. Yeah, exactly. I was wrong. I was fucking wrong, man. I was fucking wrong. There are actual fireworks happening right now. Yeah. That is the – I think it's so stupid and silly.

But then there's that flex where it's like – again, if you can do it, you can do it. I think it's crazy when it puts stress on your family and you're like, now we can't buy the house that we wanted. I mean, don't get me wrong. We still live with my mother. There is that. Don't get me wrong. I can't. I mean, don't get me wrong. We still live with my mother. There is that. Don't get me wrong. I can't afford my mortgage. Don't get me wrong.

We're technically living for free. I did say that at one point. I was like, Jeff, we could have bought a house. He's like, no, no, we're good. We're good. Keep the fireworks. But this is how Italian Italy is, right? We go there and like his family, he has family over there.

I have family over there. And like, I wanted to have a big surprise for him get these authentic cigar rollers from luca which is a tiny town in tuscany and these guys have a union they have a cigar rolling union so like two days before the wedding night we're on strike we're not doing the cigars i'm like what the fuck it's like two fat italian guys just like we're not call union reps we're not doing this so i couldn't have the cigar rollers i was literally about to like know, drive to this tiny town of Luca and like show him my tits or whatever.

I was like, can I just need the cigars at this wedding? So that was the one thing I dropped the bottle on, but it wasn't my fault. You got to just go find some guys in the street.

Honestly. Can you guys go on a bow tie and roll these cigars? Please, help me out. Yeah. That was good, another difference.

It's just a messy joint from your freshman year dorm. Like, this is how Italy does it. I'm the hobo. You didn't know they have angel dust in italy they do big pcp community did you invite how many people were at it um i invited 230 that's a lot it's a foreign wedding for overseas here's my thing i thought not a lot of people would come i was like oh it's italy and we got married right after covid no No, no, no, no.

Everybody. 99.9%. We have one person not show up. No way. I was stressed. When I got married, I read on these websites. I think they say you can expect 15% drop off. Yeah.

And then like 10 is not a lot. And then like 20 would be on the high end. So don't worry too much about getting too many no's. You're going to have 15%. I got, I think, five total. Yeah. And we were at the point getting RSVPs like looking at it like,

please be no, please be no. It's a no! It's a no! Your boss isn't coming? Yes! I will say that too. Don't, like, and Jeff thought that.

I mean, we had everybody like that we love at our wedding. But there were a couple people who was like, oh, maybe I'll send them an invite. I go, they're going to fucking say say yes it's the people that you just sent it like a courtesy invite to they're the first people to rsvp i can't wait having the fish yeah a hundred percent yeah but that's uh because the italy thing is so nice but it's like

i have a question you i'm glad you just said the gift thing. And someone at Barstool recently tweeted out that they were pulling out the folder of what gifts people gave them. And I don't mean this as a smite to him or anything like that. But that's crazy to keep something like that. Because you're just in different levels of your life and things like that. Say you went to a wedding now and you saw what someone 10 years ago had given you as a gift if you got married back then. Would that actually be the gift you give them? Oh, so he was like a tit-for-tat kind of situation? A lot of people do.

I know a lot of people do that. They gave us $200. We're going to give them $200. I do think, I would hope, people adjust it for either inflation or like life-flation, I'll call it. It's like, okay, $200 meant this much to us at that point in our lives. We'll give you $500 now.

We'll give you $1,000 now. We'll give you $10,000 now. Listen, I don't do it. I'm not that guy. I agree with you that you should adjust for how you are. But I also – I mean a gift is a reflection of our relationship. It could have changed from 10 years ago. It could have gotten better.

It could have gotten worse. Well, this motherfucker gives gifts. Okay, see, this is a big argument with my husband. He's like, I need that cash money, motherfucker. It's an origin thing. Where are you from again? Massachusetts. Oh, fuck.

Okay, well, I was going to say, in the South, we have registries. Now, I didn't do one for my wedding. I said, if I'm asking you to come to Italy, I don't expect a dime. I don't expect a gift. Jeff's like, no, we have a fucking box. People put cash in it. I was like, that's the tackiest thing I've ever heard. Now I kind of get it.

But we didn't get a lot of gifts. And that's no hate, no shade to our guests. I don't want a blender, man. I don't need a Vitamix. What do you always say? You get something thoughtful that you, you know. I usually just give Tiffany beer mugs. Tiffany beer mugs?

Yeah. Okay. I didn't know that. Actually, that's kind of nice. Are they silver? No, they're glass. Oh, like glass, like crystal. Yeah, and my mom always said that it was something that they got for their wedding that it was

like she liked it because it was Tiffany, my dad liked it because it was beer mugs, and it kind of covered both bases. Yeah. I'll tell you what it doesn't cover. The plate. The plate. That's true. place open bar we did get a lot of crystal which was nice some like that's weird art from italy that i was into but i also just got a couple of demos too they were just like well it's too fucked up at your wedding i didn't bring a

gift i was like i'll take the couple hundo so i did that with i did that with cons we had a guy i got married here and uh and like this was probably a couple months ago. He got married last year and a couple months ago we were on the podcast talking about wedding gifts and stuff. And all of a sudden I had this realization and I was like, I didn't ever give you a gift, did I? Yeah, you had a year. Right, and I got in like 364 days. Yeah. I got in.

I got in recently with someone. I saw their anniversary post and I made up some bullshit. I like to wait until day 365. To see if the one year of your love lasts. I haven't sent a single thank you card, so I just want to publicly say I'm so sorry. I'm a cunt. I apologize. I feel like women drive these things, right?

In general. Of course, stereotypically speaking. But none of them ever want to go to showers, be it the wedding or the baby showers. Yeah, they're awful and sufferable. They all end up complaining about the cost and or stress of the invitations. Yeah. And they all end up worrying about the thank you notes. Uh-huh.

So just stop doing them. Break the cycle. I kind of have broken the cycle. I didn't do any of that shit. I didn't have showers. One generation has got to put their foot down and be like, we're not fucking doing them. Break the cycle. I kind of have broken the cycle. I didn't do any of that shit. I didn't have showers. One generation has got to put their foot down and be like, we're not fucking doing it. I know it's always like, well, my mom wants it or something. It's like, well, now you're the mom who doesn't want it, so fucking don't do it.

And it's okay to send a Venmo. And we should send the fucking Evite. Spending money on some of the things that we spend money on for weddings is insane. Ah, see if I got an Evite. You'd be offended. Fuck, who cares? I felt like a piece of shit sending the Venmos.

Throw it in the garbage. I felt like a real fucking asshole sending the Venmos. This is so scummy. I felt like an asshole asking people to come to Italy, so I didn't expect a bachelorette. I know you didn't. But then when they all showed up and they're like, this is the greatest day of my life,

I'm like, I told you. If you're going to do it, I think you got to do what you did and go all out. If I go to Tuscany and it's like, you know, the food was bad and it was cash bar

and the band stunk. I'm like, what the fuck is that? I also think this thing, like if you're, okay, maybe 30 and up, right? If you're in your 20s, have the ballroom wedding at the country club

because again, it is for your parents. But because we paid for it, I was like, let's go wherever the fuck we want. And at our age, people, like most of my friends who have kids just want an. But because we paid for it, I was like, let's go wherever the fuck we want. And at our age, people, like most of my friends

who have kids just want an excuse to get away from their children. They're like, they're with grandma, fuck them. I'm getting away. When you're 29, 30, whatever,

you're going to like 13 weddings a summer. You know, it starts in May and it'll stop till October. And if there's one that's like across the world, you're like,

oh my God. But also the other ones are just like cookie cutter you go to this you know exactly i can tell you when the speeches are going to be yep when the cake is going to be when like everything's going to happen i didn't have a bridal party he didn't have groomsmen but our friends ended up like getting ready with us and still kind of like hung out i was like i don't need you to wear a dress i just want you to show up keep you know throw me a zanny if i seem like i'm sweating and like let's just have your wedding was

it was great i would love to get into. It was really fun. I mean, I must've got lost, but whatever. I would've, I think that's a wedding. You can usually tell the weddings that you want to be at.

Yeah. Based on the couple almost. You know what I mean? That was probably a ball. We had a fucking blast. And then we went on like a 30 day honeymoon, which I will say there's no reason for you ever to spend more than seven days. Was that an exaggeration?

No, 30 days. You have to realize I'm on the road, so I never get to take more than seven days is that an exaggeration no I 30 days you have to realize I'm on the road so I never get to take time off again you earned it so I was like oh fuck it

I'm going to take the month of July off and we're just going to go and tear it up but like you should never be abroad with your significant other longer than like seven days it's the worst idea ever

so wait you took off 30 days or you were traveling and on a vacation for 30 days we were traveling and on a vacation for 30 days which I know seems insane god bless you yeah it was a lot and so the divorces went yeah exactly jeff had his golf clubs on our honeymoon he brought the core four which was just four of his golf clubs that he said he needed to practice his dry swings in the room

and at one point we were on a ferry going to like the island of like coppery and jeff is just sweating and he's like lugging his shit i go you brought the fucking clubs nobody asked you to there's only two golf courses in italy we're not going to any of them i fucking hate you and this italian woman's just like i mean we're packed in because he wouldn't let me take a private taxi he was like we're not taking the water taxi for 1200 the ferry's 20 so we're fighting i was like i'm gonna club them i'm gonna club them the core four everything's insane yeah. The core four. It was insane. Yeah, I constantly tell people, I'm like, do seven days. Go to Cancun.

Do whatever. Seven days, perfect. But I'm like, any day after seven days, you're going to murder them. By like five, I'm kind of getting antsy. I did two weeks for my honeymoon, and it was like Greece and Italy, so it kind of broke it up a little bit. Right. But if it's like 10 or 14 straight days, eventually it's just like – it's not even who you're with. It's just like I got to get back to my life.

I'm living in a different time zone from everybody else. I don't know what's going on. That's just too much. I really don't know. Like the people who live – either if you're like super, super rich and lavish or you're like an Instagram chick who gets flown around the world to Dubai and shit. When you're truly doing nothing but that, I can't imagine it's that fulfilling after a little while. Because the whole thing is like...

I could do it fine. I would be fit. If you want to fly my ass to Greece, I'll be good. But as a comedian, you're inherently one of the hardest working people out there. So I don't really believe that's true. I think you would like... Traveling is a full-time job.

People don't realize that. They think that before and after shows, like, meet us at the bar. We're going out. I'm like, no, no, no. You don't understand. I've been on six flights this week alone. I don't know what state I'm in. I did a show two weeks ago in Kansas City.

I didn't know I was in Missouri, and I've been there before. It took me a second. I was like, wait, are we in Kansas? Are we in Missouri? No, the traveling does become a full-time job. I job one one millionth of what you guys do on the road and when we're out like i do a meet and greet or we got to go meet the people at a bar i'm like i just want to go i'm gonna go to sleep that was like every fucking weekend of my life and then like traveling it also just doesn't become as much of a like you're not it's not a special thing it's just like oh i travel

all the time i'm always in these places i don't know i feel like there has to be some special to the to the trip for it to actually you know i'll bitch about it but then if i'm home for longer than a week like when i do have a week off jeff's like why are you pacing like what are you panicking about i'm just like i feel like i should be doing a show are you always like just get the fuck out go yeah uh yes and no but when she gets home she likes to do domestic shit, which is wild to me. Oh, I want to go to a Costco. I want to speak to no one.

My favorite thing to do is that one day off, I go to Costco and I get a hot dog. $1.50, right? $1.50, I get the Diet Coke, and I cruise around Costco. And it's basically like a meet and greet for me because all of my women are at Costco. You are the queen. I'm the queen of fucking Costco.

I want to go tinker, run my acrylic nails across some patio furniture. I want to talk to everybody, give out samples. That's. I want to go tinker, run my acrylic nails across some patio furniture. I want to talk to everybody, giving out samples. That's all I want to do. Oh, I fucking love it. It's because I'm nesting. You should call your next special queen of Costco. Queen of Costco, yeah. I think I was going to call it breadwinner, but I also think

queen of Costco might be good. Yeah, it's weird. I've been talking about this in the new tour but it's like as a woman especially like in this business like you obviously i love going out and you know bringing home the bacon but i also still want to be a good wife and i feel like i gotta cook it too so there are days where i like come home and i'm like manic and i've got like just like you're here for 12 hours like i won't bake you a fucking casserole i will blow you and he's like don't you're good you were talking about where did you read the thing about the 40 hour work week

Oh I don't know Probably a tweet It was just like how the 40 hour work week was invented To get away from their wives No just like In general it's like If you're stressed And it wasn't designated to one sex or another

But if you're stressed because the 40-hour work week was designed when someone else was doing the cooking, someone else was doing the cleaning, someone else was doing the child rearing, and now everyone's doing both. And I was like, huh, I hadn't thought about that. That fucking sucks because it's not changing anytime soon. Yeah, because whatever stress you have at work, you would come home. Then have it at home. Yeah, and if you don't go to work, yeah, you don't have have to commute and you're not dealing with a boss down your back so you have

that like there's you know good and bad to both of it but what it does is it just makes 50 suck for both of you you know what i mean yeah and then on top of that i'm at the like i turned 36 so i know if i'm gonna have a kid i gotta have it soon i got like one good egg left and i'm like fuck you know like all these other female comedians have done their specials like eight months pregnant like i know how i swell if i have like you know uh a club soda and a french fry later i can't get my rings off like i just know i'm not gonna be like that cool female comedian you have to wheel me out in a wheelchair it's going swell yeah yeah yeah yeah and and that would be amazing though yeah i mean uh it would be amazing for everybody else not you these people say they're like a baby would look good on you heather i'm like i'm at this part of

my career right now where i'm grinding so hard and i hate that that those words even came out of my mouth but i couldn't imagine being pregnant on top of that it's like i barely like clothes don't even look good on me you think a baby's gonna look good on me right now get the fuck out of here my spanks are rolling down on themselves okay like fuck you yeah but there it's always a baby heather a baby will look good on you i'm like yeah let me go fucking you know do a hundred more shows and then i'll think about getting knocked up or i just need to get a surrogate let's be honest if there's anybody listening to this who has a good womb who would like to carry my child let me know mama's working i'm surprised i would totally do that shit man you would? you'd carry my baby?

thank you that's one thing I mean if men had to get pregnant the human race would cease to exist but I think I'm sure there's all sorts of shame and stigma the other day I just sat in trash of carrying just stop right there

the other day I sat in trash because whatever disclaimer you're about to put on it doesn't really make it justify it so just yeah you sat like yeah i don't know if you're about to call my baby a sack of trash but you're talking carrying things i was like i have to carry this is a trash over there like i'm not doing that it's your own flesh and blood yeah yeah yeah i do that now now that i i i zin and like bro i'll get up from like a nice six hour TV binge session and I'll just have like wads

of nicotine I'll just like leave them on can I ask you with this stuff oh you mean it's just a it's like a pack so it's not like loose every time I open it I think I'm carrying around a fucking tin of cocaine

cause they all look like if you see this as a lay on the floor is one over there like it does look like a little baggie of cocaine right um dip once and i almost threw up so i because i went to school in mississippi so i was like you know let's do it i don't know is that better than regular dip it's just nicotine there's no tobacco so nice it's addictive without the cancer aspect, I guess. That's a lie. That's 100% a lie. Your mouth's going to rot out in a week.

I love a vacation cig, so I get it. When you smoke on vacation, it's not real. Vacation cigs that turn into a pack real quick. Dude, in Italy, that's all it is. In Italy, they smoke like crazy, right? And they smoke that raw shit, right? The raw shit. And then on the packs, it's got somebody with one of those. Or a lung that's black.

To me, that almost... Encourages you to smoke more? Yeah. It's almost just like, if you tell me, Surgeon General warning, this is bad for you. I'm like, okay. I hear you. I get it.

If you try to fear porn me into not doing something, I'll do it harder yeah i agree like you made the sale stop selling yeah i'm not you know i've had two aperol spritzes on the amalfi coast i'm gonna buy a pack of six yeah and it just doesn't seem as white trash like when you're over there and europeans are so sexy and tan and even though i'm like covered in zinc and i'm you know i've got like i got a long skinny you know like virginia slim and i'm like i'm so fucking rich yeah i will be broke after this honeymoon i spent four hundred thousand dollars on a wedding but i'm just like thriving sophia lorette you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah everything's better in europe i did lose like 12 pounds on my honeymoon.

And I fucking – I mean we drank bottles of wine every day, pasta, pizza, ice cream. It's that clean food, right? It's that clean food. I came back glowing. I watched a – like a fucking Instagram video or something like that. Some dude giving a speech and he was basically breaking down what healthy food is. All that means is that it was cooked by a person, not a corporation. Yes. That's the only difference in – Didn't come out of a Cisco is. Yeah. All that means is that it was cooked by a person, not a corporation. Yes.

That's the only difference in how like- Didn't come out of like a Cisco bag. Yeah. And he's like, that healthy food- a difference though?

Like such a difference? It does. And I don't want to be that person, but it's like also the oil. Like if you go to Italy, they're not cooking anything in like canola

or vegetable oil. It's just straight olive oil. Yeah. All healthy fat. You can eat whatever the hell you want. You can carb hard. Yeah.

Doesn't matter. Gotta get out of this country I know we do we kinda do but like I also love like chicken tenders at like a country club

you know swimming pool with like a side of ranch and a cigarette so let's be honest Doris Duke didn't die for this yeah

exactly like a Michelob Ultra like let's be honest i feel like if you don't honeymoon somewhere well i mean it depends most people are you know you get on a wedding diet and you're torturing yourself so if you don't honeymoon somewhere where there's good food i think you're missing out because that feeling of like you're done with the diet you're done with the budget it's all paid for and done now and And you're just going to binge for 30 days.

We didn't do the wedding diet. We both like dialed it back a little bit, but I was on the road and it's impossible to be healthy on the road. I don't give a shit how much money you have, what you're doing. It does not matter. You're eating pizza at 1am. You're fucking starving.

But we, we both decided cause we're larger people. I said, let's just show up like maybe 10 pounds lighter. Like, like I have a light glow. Cause I don't want to look back on my wedding photos and be like, that was the peak. Like I want to peak when I my wedding photos and be like, that was the peak.

Like I want to peak when I'm 40 and people are like, she's never looked better. You know what I mean? I mean I look great. You look very handsome. See, I'm like I just never want to peak because then maybe I'm still. Dennis Reynolds. I haven't even begun to peak. Maybe I'm going to be – You're an unscratched lottery ticket.

There you go. The possibilities are endless. I'm a fat fucking lottery ticket but nothing scratched scratched off me yet um so you are you touring um where are you touring everywhere all over the comeback yeah this is yes so this is i filmed a special in september that's going to come out soon and then so i'm on a totally new tour so it's called all american tour all american tour well i'm going to canada Shout out to Vancouver and Toronto. But yeah, it's all, and then I'm playing Radio City in June.

I don't know why they allowed me to do that, but they did. And I've had diarrhea every day about it. Like literally. Radio City is, Radio City to me, like, I mean, the garden is like, you know. But who's going to do the garden? Like three people are going to do the garden. It's fucking, you know. You probably will do the garden eventually. I'd love to do the garden is like you know yeah but who's gonna do the garden like three people into the garden it's fucking you know yeah you you probably will do the garden eventually but but i'd love to do the garden i they are discouraging me but anybody from msg call me i would be fantastic at the garden but no um yeah radio city is it's crazy and i'm an old theater

nerd like so for me there's also there's a little bit more allure to the radio city than there is msg despite the size. Yeah. Because it has that feel, you know? Yeah. I mean, obviously, if you're playing MSG, that's what, like 30,000, 20,000 people? I know you guys have plenty of guys on here who have played. Yeah. But no, that's – but also playing those kind of venues –

I was stressed about it, too. It was like – I remember Bill Burr coming in. Yeah. I was like, I can't believe Bill even needs to do promo anymore. And he's like, fucking 18,000 tickets. A lot of tickets, man. I don't care who you are. A lot of fucking tickets.

So it's like, of course you do it and you'll be rich and it's great. But also Radio City, I think, is that perfect in between where you get the – It's crazy. How many is Radio City? Like 6,000. Yeah. So we only have a couple tickets left. Get them.

It just has to say it's sold out on that thing. Are you a multiple show adder person um well it depends but i also don't like to do two shows in one night because my shows are like i'm doing a full 90 minutes and i'm i'm doing a lot so i hate to do back-to-back shows because i always constantly i'm like did i already say that joke like i'll get to the 10 p.m show i'm like oh fuck like i have an outer body like i'm like looking at the front row like did you did I already say that joke? I did at 7 p.m. Do you do two entirely different shows if you do do two nights?

Two in one night? Yeah. That's impressive. Well, no, no. I won't do two different shows in one night. So I stopped doing the two in one night. I mean, sometimes I have to do it, but I always like to do a second night. Right.

But yeah, I'll add on shows if we need to. Yeah. Again, we're talking about very different levels of touring here, if you will. But – Supply and demand. Every time we've added a show, it's like we sold something out and we're happy about it. Yeah. And then we add something and we're stressed about it.

It's like we didn't even take a moment to be happy that we sold out the first thing. I am at that point in my career right now where like – so I sold a crazy amount of tickets in Atlanta where I'm from. And they – there's a little inside whatever. I don't know if i'm supposed to say this but they wanted me to do like the arena and i was like no let me go do two nights at the fox again shoot my second special there and let me like savor that like you'll get there but you say that's not going anywhere no and people are always like the next thing the next thing i'm like listen radio city as a kid i like the fact that they're even allowing me in the front doors the fact that my name is on the side of the building right now is outer body fucking insane for me i'm like let me just do this and sell it out and do the damn

thing like it's every and like with social media too they're like you gotta do this and this and i'm just like fucking like be my motto for this year and it's so fucking cheesy is be pleasant and be present because the first tour i was fucking panicking like you know all these sold out shows were doing all this shit like i just want to fucking enjoy it like i was like a crack at the first tour like losing my mind itching backstage like if i don't if i fuck this show up nobody's gonna come again and i'm like no i need to like be present and fucking enjoy it i mean one you are a white lady huh i am am i put that on the cheese board yeah and i had a panic attack before a show in baltimore once i was just like i'm not

like i like i was like i to rework it for the next tour because it's just too much pressure. I can understand that feeling. I don't enjoy it very much. People start making money off of you and then they're constantly like, do eight more shows of this. You're like, I'm going to have a heart attack

and stroke out by 37. I don't think people can even comprehend what the schedule you guys keep, the food. Down to like, yeah, I don't eat regular meals because I got to hop on a plane and do five more and go here. It's crazy. I'll never complain about it because I have the greatest job in the world and I'm so grateful. Blah, blah, blah, blah, disclaimer. But mama's tired. But I will absolutely be on Uppers at Radio City.

I'll have my capsules on. The Rockettes will show up, so come to the show. It's going to be fucking crazy. I mean, if you're doing arenas, I know it's your hometown and shit, but it'll start in your hometown and then it just goes everywhere else too.

You'll just keep on this trajectory now and probably be doing arenas everywhere soon enough. We'll, we'll see. I mean, I'm just, it's, it's all so crazy.

I mean, I really still, you know, I just can't believe that people are letting me into the building. What's the largest you've played right now as of right now? Um, maybe radio city. Yeah.

The radio city, um, Chicago theater was, I think close to the same amount. Yeah. Um, but you know, I was able to sell like 10,000 tickets in Atlanta, and it was just fucking crazy. I mean, my hometown came out, and so that's why I wanted to shoot the first special there.

But now we've got our shit together, so I think we're going to shoot the second one there, and it's just insane. It's insane. Really? That's very impressive stuff. It's very cool. Well, thank you. Fully dead inside. What's your rider? Do you have a rider?

It is so white girl basic. I want a cider ranch, a crudite, maybe a nice local cheese. Okay. I like two bottles of really good Pinot Noir from Willamette Valley, Oregon. This is so white. I like Spindrift, grapefruit. And what else do we have? Spindrift.

Spindrift is like, you know, a seltzer. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I really like the grapefruit, and what else do we have in the bottle? What's spindrift? Spindrift is like a seltzer. Seltzer, right? Okay. Yeah, yeah. I really like the grapefruit flavor. A bottle of tequila, and then we get chicken tenders anywhere we go. Yeah, so it's almost like a night at a restaurant. There's an appetizer, a meal, and some drinks. And then I'll order hot wings at 1 a.m.

It's disgusting. I saw a tweet. I think somebody tried to expose Phoebe Bridgers is her name, right? The musician? Yeah, and it was like – it was a little bit excessive but not really. And people were like, this is like totally normal. So then a lot of people started tweeting their experiences with Ryders and it was like the rapper Common – YC tweeted this in 2005. Common, who's like a pretty – he not like a flashy mo money mo problems rapper

He's like a you know introspective rapper And his tweet was like Common had us with like Six full carts of shit from Whole Foods Like I can't wait to be that cunty I'm not there yet That's why

The tweet said that he asked for six bottles of honey Which is just literally – Insane. It's too much honey. You're going to need a drop or two of honey. Also, honey gets hard. If you do like two spoonfuls or two spoonfuls, like then it's hard. Then you got to microwave it.

It's fucking weird. It's crunchy. That's why he wanted six bottles. Yeah. You get six good squeezes from each of them. I just can't imagine – I don't care how successful you get or how rich you get. There are some things where I can understand. It's like, yo, man, you don't know how it is when you're talking about that level of money or that level of fame or performance.

They need these things for certain reasons. But then it's like you're there for one night and you need – You need nothing. Yeah, come on. He's actually just getting groceries for the cleaning people. He's very nice. Yeah, that is true. Maybe he was still broke

and he was like, I'm bringing this shit home for my family. Then I understand it. The best was I was doing a show in Indiana recently and I made the mistake. I ordered all this Chick-fil-A nuggets or whatever backstage, right? So I'm like, security, come have whatever.

So these guys, the security guards are hovering over the Chick-fil-A nuggets and this woman gets in my dressing room and she just shows up and I'm literally about to take my top off and she's like, I found you. And I'm like, you sure did? And she's like, just shows up and i'm literally about to take my top off and she's like i found you and i'm like you sure did and she's like don't worry i'm not gonna touch you you better fucking not yeah and i said well you don't get credit for that i made it exponentially more creepy and then i look outside i go hey guys any help and i

realized that i had created a problem because security was just going to pound down on nuggets that i had bought and i was like after, after the show, guys, after it, there was a woman who just said she's not going to touch me who was actively trying to touch me. And I can hold my own, but you have to realize white women specifically are terrifying. I know I'll be murdered by a white woman one day. Her name will be Kimberly or McKenzie,

and she'll stab me in the throat at a TJ Maxx. I'm going with it. It's what happens in meet and greets. Yeah, it's what happens in meet and greets. Yeah, it's what happens in meet and greets. It's been a tough couple years for you white women. It has.

Your public Q rating, if you're looking at it on the whole, has been probably at its lowest maybe ever. Yeah, but I really think, I have a lot of empathy

for you guys. Straight white guys, it's hard. Oh, it's been so tough. It really has been tough. No, it has been tough.

The burden I carry every day. Let me fucking tell you. Oh, yeah. Jeff's like, you have no idea what it's like to be a white man right now. And I'm like, shut the fuck up and lotion up, you little bitch. Yeah. Yeah. That's his favorite thing.

You have no idea. It's so hard. Listen, women, we brought it on ourselves, I will say, a little bit. But you know what? So this woman who gets backstage, I asked her, I said, real ourselves, I will say a little bit, but you know what? So this woman who gets backstage, I asked her, I said, real quick, just how did you get backstage? She said, oh, I went up to one of the security guards and said, my name's Lane. And they were like, cool girl, just come on back. So I realized that we really have gotten away with a lot of shit because we don't seem threatening.

But white women are the most terrifying people on the planet. In my experience, yes. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck with white girls. They maybe are not physically imposing, but they will terrorize you mentally and emotionally, and they will ruin your life somehow, some way.

They will stalk you. They will find everything out about you. They will blackmail you. I kind of love it. Yeah, you hit the big three. It's like... That's really it. You got it.

Check, check, check. Is your accountant a white woman? Yes, but she's foreign She's foreign? Yeah Okay, like Eastern European? I don't know I don't know if I can ask

I've never talked to her I don't know Are we sure she is an accountant in America? She has an accent Okay I know the first time I went to meet her This is like two years ago now We had gotten a shipment of sex toys to the office

So I had a canvas bag Stop Full of sex toys And the whole time I had a canvas bag full of sex toys and the whole time she was talking I was like I hope that bag didn't spill I just had it on the ground it was a delicate balance it was a canvas bag

and they weren't female sex toys they were male so I was like this fucking robot that jerks you off a lot of fleshlights and she's like so what do you do and I was like I explained it however I can this and she's like so what do you do and i was like i explained it however i can this and she's like oh so like comedy and i was like i guess if you want to break it down to that like yeah in a way like it's kind of i would never call myself a comedian but sure comedy in a sense and she's like like john mulaney and i was like not at all i saw john mulaney recently i saw

him in Nashville. And he has kids in the audience. And I'm not going to give away anything for his new special. But it was wild, the amount of kids in the crowd. And I'm like, if you bring your children to my show, you're a horrible parent. Do not do that. Particularly for new Mulaney, too. Which actually will be out now, right?

We've had one kid specifically, he showed up to our, he came with his parents to our first show ever when he was how old? I keep getting younger in my head. He's seven! I was going to say eleven. Yeah, I think he was like twelve, and then he came on his 18th birthday to another show, and it was pretty cool.

Oh, I like that. That's great. And they sat front row, though, and it was like one of our first shows ever, and I was like, come on! How am I supposed to say what I say? It's a beautiful moment. That's a beautiful moment, front row though And it was like One of our first shows ever And I was like Come on How am I supposed to say What I say It's a beautiful moment That's a beautiful moment Though that he came back

It was very cool Yeah and he's like I'm addicted to drugs I've done time and juvie Because of bar school I've taken all your advice My life sucks Yeah yeah

I love that Well Can I get tickets To Radio City Yeah I'll get you tickets But not Like I'll get you tickets. I'll give you two. That's it.

Don't fucking get greedy and weird with it. It's wild when you perform at Radio City because you can use any of the shit there. So I'm like, okay. We got Miro. Mama's going to razzle fucking dazzle. What does that mean? Like a fly system. I'm thinking about flying in.

I'm thinking about setting the whole place with fireworks. If you fly in. I'm thinking about flying in. I'm thinking about, you know, setting the whole place with fireworks. Like, you know. If you fly in. I might fly in. Yeah. I might fly in. I don't know. I got to test it out.

But I think you're going to get wild. Are you the type of person who gets like scared by that sort of shit? Or you'd be like, zip me in. Let's go. No, zip me in. I mean, if I die by falling on a fan, okay. If you die within the hallowed halls of Radio City

how dramatic of a death could you get so fucking dramatic and I've already said like maybe a couple years earlier than you would like but Heather McMahon

Owen Hart recipe exactly it was either that or like choking on a you know taco or something so this is a better way to go for sure

absolutely for sure I love it what heathermcmahon.com for tickets yeah go to to go for sure. Absolutely. For sure. I love it. What? HeatherMcMahon.com for tickets. Yeah. Go to HeatherOnTour.com. HeatherOnTour.com. Yeah.

And follow on social. You're one of the best, babe. Thank you so much. I love you guys. Thanks for having me. All right. Big thanks for watching.

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