KFC Radio - Superheroes Don’t Eat P*ssy ft Bobby Kelly

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and leave a review! - It's KFC Radio's 9th Anniversary! - Live Shows are BACK - What superheroes eat the best p*ssy? - the Bachelorette and shitting on dicks - Sports injuries this past week - Barstool bloggers as Disney characters - Top 5 fruits - Throwback voicemails from Episdoe 1 of KFC Radio - Recent Voicemail -02;01;40;02 Bobby Kelly Interview Subscribe on youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @feitsbarstool @nickhammy5 @JNics415 @Joshua__DMYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, the homies introduce to you the greatest show of all time. Doug, you want to cork some bitch and it's lights out. It's lights out. It's not good. Oh my god! That's where we're going! Are you ready? It's lights out. It's lights out. It's not good. Oh, my God. That's where we're going. Are you ready? It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Feidelberg and KFC.

Happy anniversary, babe. Feidelberg and who? KFC? Kevin? I hear you always say Clancy. Clancy? Yeah. Oh, well, you fuckers.

I just started doing that like three weeks ago. So don't act like it's anything that I've done for too long. Happy anniversary, babe. Happy anniversary. What's nine? Nine years. Yeah, we looked it up. Let's take a guess on what you think the nine years should be.

Bro. It's going to be like brass or something. I was going to guess like fucking parchment paper. Pottery. Pottery. Oh, well, we have to go make pottery. You and I shall pull a Can we get some clay up in here

At some point this week And we'll make pots Okay Or make you know Some shit Like Seth Rogen does Oh and we'll stick it in a kiln Yes

Yeah Yeah I just wanted to say kiln Have you ever done pottery Have I done pottery Kevin Yeah I've done pottery in a big way I once

What does that mean Uh What does that mean Actually you know what I've done pottery, Kevin. Yeah. I've done pottery in a big way. I want to say, what does that mean? What does that mean? Actually, you know what? I've done pottery in a big way. Now that I think about it, I don't think I have. There's this place in Newport. This motherfucker's like, yeah, I'm the greatest potter of all time. Oh, wait, no, I've never done it.

There's this place in Newport, and I forget if it even still exists, but when I was younger, it was around. And it was like, you could paint your own pottery. But I think you just painted it. I don't think you made it. Yeah, fuck you. I mean, I've fucked around. I've thrown a dollop on a fucking spinning wheel thing before.

Those are the terms. Yeah, the dollop on a spinning wheel. Yeah. And I've, like, fucking done some. I've touched pottery. You did a little ghost action. I don't think I have ever successfully completed a pottering. A pottering?

We are professionals on the matter here. I mean, I don't think anybody, save the potters, are really doing the kiln and shit. You know what I mean? I don't think... Have you molded some shit and then given it to someone to make it into pottery? No. Okay. All right.

That's what I thought you meant. It's like I don't expect you to be shoveling the shit into the fire. No, no, no, no, no, no. I took a pottery class when I was a little kid. Oh, really? Well, here's what happened. Moved to – I might have too.

I've definitely been around pottery. Text Polly right now. Say, have I ever done pottery? See if she knows. When I moved from New York, when we moved to Pennsylvania for a little bit, there was this kid like five houses down. And I think in an effort to just like, you know, get me friends and shit, my mom was like setting us up to do things. And they were British. And he eventually, after I left and came back to New York,

he went on to come out of the closet. And so a lot of the things – Yeah, he took a fucking pottery basket. That's what I'm saying. So not only that, but – Whatever you want to, too. It's fine. Well, not only that, but his maybe second birthday party was an Aladdin-themed party,

and it was like a costume party and he was the genie and he had a Dalmatian dog that he like put a little hat on and he was supposed to be Abu and he was like singing show tunes and shit like I remember my mom and me trying to like throw together like an Aladdin costume it was like put on this vest and like wear some sweatpants the gay kid's gonna be so mean to me if my costume's not cool. But I'm at the age. I wonder if my mom and dad were like, oh, Kevin's hanging out with the poof down the street again. Or like I had no idea at the time, so we're going to pottery classes,

singing show tunes at the birthdays. And I was like, can we play basketball or something, man? Want to play wiffle ball, dude? But I will say say the party slapped. Aladdin's fire. And I made some legit pottery stuff. I made a fucking dinosaur in pottery class that was like a legit – it was a fucking dinosaur, man. It was like a brontosaurus, and it looked like a fucking brontosaurus.

I made a brontosaurus. Do you still have it? Iosaurus i made a brontosaurus you still have it i did for a while i mean i don't have it anymore but like it made it we moved many times and like it was worthwhile enough to move with my parents weren't just like throw this piece of shit out i had that i had a sarcophagus that was like gold uh bro first of all that's awesome yeah i kind of, who was giving you, were these your ideas or were you like? No, I think it was like, you know, the class today is making this. Oh, okay. I thought it was like, what do you want to make, child? Fucking burial ground.

I swear to God, though, there's a chance I might have picked that one out. I, to this day, but certainly when I was a kid, I really, really, really fucked with ancient Egypt. I love that shit. Pyramids. Sphinx. pharaohs, sarcophaguses. Sarcophagi. Sarcophagi, sarcophagi. I don't know why.

So it might have been like, I'm making a fucking coffin. But, yeah, I made some legit shit. And then all I remember is you would take these. I guess we wouldn't. Probably the teacher would. They had almost like those wires that assassins used to tow people, and they would just slice through bricks of clay.

I do remember. I've seen this, I know exactly what you're talking about. Next time, maybe I've just seen a movie. Maybe I just watched Ghosts and that was it. Next time somebody accuses us of being misogynistic fucking frat boys, I'm going to show them this segment on pottery.

We are potters. So for our nine-year anniversary, we will make some pottery. And sometimes I feel like it's more years, and sometimes I feel like it's less years. Because I get mixed up with our podcast anniversary and just like my time at barstool anniversary i always forget that it was a like two i started in 09 and we started the podcast in 12 so sometimes i'm like oh yeah we've been doing the podcast well over 10 years so then when i find out it's nine i'm like ah shit it's actually not that yeah today we have we have bobby kelly on the show later he's been doing his podcast for 13 imagine if we'd started our shit

four years earlier than we did that is fucking bananas he was like he had to be one of the first podcasts like ever ever then that's like some bill simmons shit for 14 i was a sophomore in college you're like a baby yeah i mean it's nuts dude and like i say that like it's weird like i'm sure now like tons of sophomores in college have a podcast so it's not yeah but back then there was no we didn't even know what it was. By the way, Bobby Kelly later on this interview, unbelievably funny. There's a reason why that guy has hung around and been in this game and dominated the comedy scene as long as he has,

because he's just so goddamn funny. And sometimes when comics are on the show, you can almost feel they're doing their material on you. This, I can assure you, was not material because of the topics we were touching but uh everything was just like boom everything was so fucking funny i think when you've been doing that long you just have thoughts and jokes and and talked about everything there is to talk about but man there's a scene i mean i eventually i think i kissed you you puked i sucked you sucked my neck i sucked bobby's neck later i mean it got fucking weird man so uh i'm not gonna say it yeah let's

just let the people enjoy just know that there's a there's a scene where bobby says get on all fours and look back and say eat my pussy it was awesome though uh so So, nine-year anniversary of KFC Radio. And to celebrate, we're getting back out there for KFC Radio Live. So, this July, July 15th, we are going to be at Levity Comedy Club in Rockland County in Nyack. So, a little bit outside the city. This is my first time hearing basically all those words. I was also about to say, double-check me on this. I meant to say I'll double-check before we...

Oh, I mean, I think you're right. I just mean, like, I've never heard of any of these places before right now. Try to just, like, show up. Yeah, you're free that day, right? I think he emailed it to us. So before I go on and on here, let me just make sure that that is, in fact, what we're doing. Yeah, so we're live uh thursday july 15th at west nyack levity live uh doors are open uh shows at eight o'clock so uh

kfc radio live is back we had a whole tour announced and ready to go kind of a mini tour not announced uh yeah yeah but but but set i mean we had like everything so uh a little look behind the curtain last year around february um we were working with um like some live agents and they they came back with like a 52 week tour tour which is awesome and i i really very very much wish uh wish that i was 25 again uh because i would love to do like you know go on the road for a year and do like three four shows a week and hit like every major and non-major city in america but i got kids and i'm old and and you know all that shit there's other responsibilities here at barstool so uh couldn't quite do that. So they scaled it down. But it still was like a pretty legitimate tour.

I would say it was like 25 stops probably. And I think we probably went as far west as like Dallas maybe. I don't think it was. Or there might have been like something. The first one we were in like fucking Washington State. It was crazy. We were going to Alaska. We were going like the tips of the country.

Wasn't Canada on there at one point? There might have been an inter-country fucking stop. So we had to scale it back, and then we were talking about announcing the Rudy Gobert Day. Yeah, yeah. And then it was like, do you think we should stop? And then I remember thinking, maybe we should go forward with it because no one's going to be doing anything, but maybe we'll be the guys who just say, fuck it, let's do it. Obviously, for sure not. So that all goes to shit, kind of falls apart, but we're back at it now, easing into it, and we're going to start at Levity, which is kind of, you know, it's like, it's obviously New York City has the main spots, but all the comics that we know and like

and have been on this show are all guys and girls who go to Levity. So Quality Comedy Club right outside the city. If you're in the area, come on out Thursday, July 15th. You can go to the website is improv.com slash nyack. N-Y-A-C-K? Yep. N-Y-A-C-K. Or just go to improv.com, nyack um nyack yep nyack and or just you know go to improv.com search kfc radio it'll pop up and this will kind of be the test to see where we're at and uh get back at it so you know we've got we're talking about going to some of the bigger spots in new york and boston

and um we're back baby so we're going to try to do as much as, you know, jobs and families and shit can allow. So if you want us to come through your city or town, tweet at us, you know, my, the, the, the agent setting it all up,

ask if there's, if there's any quirky or unexpected spots that have, you know, large amounts of Casey radio fans. And we've got all of our stats on who downloads and who, who views. And obviously the major cities of, you know, like New York philly boston chicago all that shit we'll do all that but uh much like the blackout tour we used to do like if you want us to come to your school

you know we got to know that uh like let us know so if you can rally enough people and show enough interest somehow some way get at us on social media and we can come through your town um but it's it's it's the whole podcast live. It's going to be audio visual kind of interactive, putting up videos and pictures. Maybe we'll bring through some guests and Barstool favorites, throwbacks, the whole nine. It's a good show.

So happy to be back. And I think these places are like pretty full, pretty full capacity, pretty, you know, I think this is like a 300 person venue That they're doing Like 200 something So it's not like it's You know Tiny

Or spread out Or whatever We're pretty much back to I would think even by July 15th I would be surprised Yeah we were They were telling us

I mean like Long Island I thought Long Island Just like Speed of Long Island That's another We're gonna do Wait is this not Long Island

No Yeah no Nyack is north Nyack's in like like, above Westchester. They're on hub. But Long Island, I think we are going to do the Paramount, I believe, is where we did that one blackout tour with the fucking fire alarm. We did a show, right?

Yeah. That was crazy. What a little stroll down memory lane. I think it was at the Paramount Theater in Long Island. It was chaos. We had a full net above on the ceiling that was holding gigantic balloon type things.

And when we cut those, is that what set off the alarm? I don't even remember. So something set off the fire alarm. I don't think we cut it because those dropped at the end. so here's what happened here's what happened the fire alarm went off i think because of our smoke and our like our

whole setup because of everything that sets the fire alarm off right and then it was kind of like but we knew there was no danger so it wasn't like oh my god like get out everyone was kind of like well what do we do this sucks like the alarm's going off but we paid our ticket there's actually no danger do we stay and i remember the crowd was getting restless, and we were trying to think of shit to do. So we're throwing out all the t-shirts, and we were like, just cut down the balloons and all the things so they can hit them around. And then that was like another fire alarm thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's smoke all the way up there. So even if they were like, no! Because now even if we get it under control, every time a fucking balloon gets hit up there, it's going to set the alarm off again. So the whole thing kaput, done, ruined. The blackout tour. That was a good old blackout. I believe we fucking blew all those balloons up with our mouths.

I believe. I absolutely believe that. I could be wrong. I forget. That sounds very, very accurate. We definitely at least did it once or twice. I remember just sitting there like crisscross applesauce with Devlin being like just blowing that for literal hours. Gotta show me what that

mouth do, man. Which brings me to our first topic of the day. Brought to you by Black Rifle Coffee. This is a doozy. You might want to sit down and have a cup of coffee. You're gonna want to be ready and alert for this one. Yeah, this. stretch it out.

Buckle up. Turn the volume up. Get settled in. Buckle up, folks. Black Rifle Coffee is a veteran-owned coffee company. This dude was on the front lines in Iraq, made a coffee machine. What do they call those? Coffee grinder.

Grinders? No, what do they call it? A coffee at home. What do you call that? A. Grinder. Grinders. No, but what do they call it? Coffee at home. What do you call that? A coffee. Coffee pot. Coffee pot. Coffee machine.

Coffee maker. Coffee maker. Coffee maker. I'm having this weird thing today. Are you thinking of percolator? No, that's definitely not what I'm thinking of. No one's ever like, no one's like, honey, put on the percolator. I answered that one for you.

I was like, nah, it's not it. I'm having this thing today. What's it called when you look at words and you think they look weird to you? Dyslexia. No. That is what I described, though. I just recently found out this term, and I keep forgetting it. It was in a movie.

So I was looking at the word evened. He evened it out. It was E-V-E-N-E-D, and I was just looking at it, and I was like, that's not right. It's a weird word. Yeah, it looks funny. And then there's something when you look at a word over and over again. Hit me. Semantic satiation? Yes. It's like a disorder where

words are just like, nope, that's not... Is that the same thing? Is that from Ted Lasso? Yes. Yes. That's when I found out about it. Yes. So evened was fucking me up. And then now this coffee pot, coffee machine, coffee maker, whatever it's called. Anyway, yeah, he used like all the artillery and guns and weapons out there in Iraq to make a coffee machine pot percolator and get himself a nice fresh brewed cup of coffee. So, you know, this dude, the most important thing to him in this world is like this coffee the american flag and coffee and so uh when he got

back home the first thing he did was bring that coffee to america and now you can get it right bring it right to your front door it's the uh it's the strongest best most quality cup of coffee you can get right now uh importing high quality coffee beans from all over the world roasted five days a week uh in tennessee and in ut, and then delivered all over the country. They also have their signature buy a bag, give a bag initiatives where they're helping out by dedicating bags of coffee beans to law enforcement, first responders, medical teams, doctors, veterans, all over the country.

So not only are you going to get a good cup of coffee, you're also going to be doing a good deed. So go to blackrifle.com slash KFC. Use code KFC and get free shipping on your order today, along with discounts on partner brands and early access when you sign up. So go to BlackRifleCoffee.com slash KFC, code KFC. Real quick, that ad read just reminded me of our first advertiser ever. So we're doing a little throwback stuff.

Figure Sports? Where they paid $1,000 American dollars. Here's what they got. They got, I don't know how many episodes, but they got. It was like months worth. Yeah, I think it was probably like, let's call it like a season's worth of shows. So we were doing one a week at that point. It was probably multiple months.

So probably let's say 10 episodes because that feels I feel like something I would have done just around 10, 10 episodes. They got like four shout outs per episode. Every 15 minutes, I was I would say we're brought to you by Shrieker Sports and the bottom lower third. Because at that point, we were just a video how things come full circle trying to get back on youtube now we were a video podcast and the bottom the entire time said brought to you by streaker sports.com so they got like full exposure audio and visual they were presenting sponsor for one thousand dollars one thousand split you know four ways it was insanity and that's that's where it all began wait

you guys split it? I probably told you guys I was reinvesting that into the show and I was like I'm reinvesting this into my fucking pocket that's what I'm reinvesting

they did have nice shorts though I still have a pair they had cool shorts didn't they like didn't they like print like the pair I still have are the they're like cool shorts. Didn't they, like, print, like... The pair I still have are the... They're, like, the hockey pants from the American 1980 game.

Right, right, right. They were, like, miracle shorts, yeah. So now, yeah, Black Rifle today brings you... John told me before we started the show, he told me about this show on HBO Max that I didn't even know existed. It's a Batman cartoon. It's Harley. It's Harley. Harley, right, right, right. So I didn't even know existed. It's a Batman cartoon. It's Harley.

It's Harley. Harley, right, right, right. So I had no idea this existed. I didn't know it existed. I think they were on season four. The incident that we're going to describe happened in season three, so they must have passed that by now.

Season three, man. But once I saw a screenshot of it, I recognized the cartoon. Maybe it's just because it's like... You know, all cartoons are obviously different. I recognize the animation. Well,'s just because it's like – You know, all cartoons are obviously different. I recognize the animation. Well, yeah, Batman is the one show that I think the cartoons – There's like adult cartoons for Batman.

There's the one that's – What's the one called, Nick? There's like the one episode. It's called – Rob always talks about it. Bob Fox always – The Killing Joke? Yeah, The Killing.

That one was big when Mark Hamill does all the voices. Right. That's like regarded as you know as good as the movies that's the one where they swear and stuff right

yes and The Killing is like same with Harley Harley Quinn swears but yeah The Killing episode is like

I think regarded as like the darkest episode of a comic like they there's like a rape or something in it right yeah so

really harsh yeah the comic itself it's like I'm pretty sure it's the Joker rapes Commissioner Gordon's daughter. Right. It's like, oh, Jesus. Yeah.

So it's regarded as just as good as all these, the Nolan movies. I think that movie didn't get as much as good of a reception, but they've done three with that entire cast and that writer. Big deal. That have been critically renowned. Same thing as Spider-Man 2, I guess the multiverse and all that. I'm not surprised to hear that there's this show.

I just didn't know about it. But now I know about it because there's some controversy. And this is the best way to get out there, get some headlines. I'll read the exact one. There's some controversy regarding Batman and Catwoman. Catwoman's such a little minx.

She's so fucking hot. She always is. Whether it's Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, whoever it is. Who is it now? Who's the new one going to be? Isn't she in this movie? Who? Isn't she in this movie?

Margot Robbie? No, Zoe Kravitz. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's always fucking rocking shit. But this one is, Harley Quinn is also unique among the current crop of comic content in that its main character and all of her closest allies

are villains rather than heroes in DC canon. That allows the show to do different things with the characters that heroes simply cannot do, at least according to DC. It's incredibly gratifying and free to be able to use characters that are considered villains because you have so much more leeway, says Halpern, who I don't know the person Justin Halpern

a perfect example of that is in this third season of Harley when we had a moment where Batman was going down on Catwoman and DC was like you can't do that you absolutely cannot do that they're like heroes don't do that so we said are you saying that heroes are just selfish lovers?

They're like, no. It's that we sell consumer toys for heroes. It's hard to sell Batman if he's also going down on someone. Disagree. Disagree strongly. Listen, Batman, you want to sell consumer products to the kids of the world? Teach them a lesson right now. Get your head game strong.

Go down on these chicks. Eat that fucking cat yo that is i mean i yeah i guess that all of my heroes have eaten pussy of course list them off go ahead winston churchill famous box muncher also also let's scrap churchill quick because i forgot about his whole like you don't want to. Also, let's scrap Churchill quick because I forgot about his whole fucking genocide. Everyone did. We kind of just put a blind eye to it. Let's do Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas ate so much pussy, he got cancer from it. Yeah. Dude, I've long said that every time Michael Douglas walked into a room, someone should stand up and do, that dude got cancer-eating pussy. You know that they all whisper. Oh my god, it's Michael Douglas. Do you know he got cancer eating pussy? You know they used to play like horns when the king would walk in? There used to be someone who was like, that dude ate so much pussy, he got cancer.

And I bet the fucking day of his diagnosis he went home was like, daddy's hungry for pussy. Yo, how bad do you think? Daddy just got some bad news and he's starving. There's only one cure for this disease and it's more pussy. You're trying to kill cancer with cancer. Open those legs up, Catherine. You ever think Catherine feels bad?

How bad would you feel if you gave some girl cancer from sucking your dick? Imagine if your cum gave some girl cancer. I would feel pretty bad about that. I don't know. Yeah, I definitely would. Come on. Yeah, you'd definitely feel bad about it. By a poisonous cock.

If your cum was cancer poison, how about that? I wouldn't be surprised if I get fucking cancer from eating pussy one day. Yeah, honestly. What did he get? He just got some HBD caught up in his throat?

Yep. That sounds like something that should be happening to all of us. Because also the thing is, I don't know if it's... Well, actually, no matter what,

when I get mouth cancer, I'm just going to blame it on pussy. I was going to say, you're going to get mouth cancer. Yeah, yeah. You have a 100% chance because you got a 50% chance from the tobacco and a 50% chance from the pussy. And I know that's not how it works, but you add it up and it's 100%. Okay?

I feel like it's not about the frequency. It's about the ferocity, if you will. When I go down there, I'll see you in 25 minutes. You can watch a half-hour episode of a TV show, when I go down there, I'll see you in 25 minutes. You know? Like, you can watch a half-hour episode of a TV show. I'll be down there a long time. Yeah, you'll be, like, I get tapped in the head, like, come on, let's walk. Yeah, like, come on. I'm not done in the pussy yet.

I'm only on my second course. I'm still in the fucking waiting pool, okay? Chill out. What they don't realize is, like, when they're like, come on back up, and it's like, no, no, no, no, because I can do this so much better than I can do that. So that's going to be quick. So let me do this first until I like come on back up and it's like no no because i can do this so much better than i can do that so that's gonna be quick so let me do this first until i'm it's like i need to know like okay i've done enough to make up for what's about to happen you know i i've i've ensured myself that you'll be that the the talk of this will be the first

half not the second half we're gonna lose the game and the first half is not the second half. We're going to lose the game and the first half was great. Bro, I'll probably eat your pussy in more positions than we'll fuck in. Definitely. Definitely. How many positions do you think your dick's going to last for?

2.5 over under, you know? Your pussy is like, eating your pussy, it's like, you're up, you're down, you're left,

you're right, you're sitting, you're standing, you're laying. Front, back, fucking. Yeah. Yeah, pop a leg up.

Absolutely. This show's over man Yeah Stop talking about pussy Well the thought I want to see Batman eat pussy Oh I want to see Batman eat

Oh strong jaw Yeah Probably eat pussy You think he's in his Everyone knows The guy with the strong jaw Eats good pussy That was

Mousetrap's work Yeah You gotta have it Been working a lot You think like one of those guys Like you know I don't know why I'm going like this Just for the record

That's not how I eat pussy That's you literally eating pussy Yeah Like chomping on it I feel like You think Batman's in uniform In costume Fuck yeah

In disguise Oh I do fucks Exclusively fucks in costume With the thing on right Cause that might You know That might restrict your jaw Uh, yeah, you're right. That's why he always talks. He doesn't

I'm gonna fucking get locked off your cat Sorry, sorry, I fucking ate snatch for three hours You think you think the crimes ever happened batman didn't stop it because he's too busy and fucking drowning in puss? You take this one, Commissioner Gordon. I'm busy. Dude, that. You know he's got all sorts of gadgets and shit, too. You know he's whipping things out of that belt.

Oh, yeah. Got things in every fucking hole. He's got things whipping around the room, pushing buttons. I mean. Batman just builds a sex wing. Yeah, definitely. He's got something back in that cave of his. Sure. That sound just builds a sex swing. Yeah. Definitely. He's got something back in that cave of his.

Sure. This sound just rides Catwoman on its own face. Fuck this show. I didn't even know that. I knew that there was like sexual tension between Batman and Catwoman

but I didn't know they were straight up fucking. Oh yeah. Because at the end of the day she's didn't know they were straight up fucking. Oh, yeah. Because at the end of the day, she's still a bad guy. The moment fucking. Oh, yeah, you're right. So that's like they always had their like, you know, it's not Catwoman. It's not Batwoman.

It's Catwoman. It's not Batgirl. Yeah, you're right. So I feel like they used to like, you know, fight. And it's like my pornhub ads. It's like those sex fights. She's doing her cartwheels and kicking him and shit. You know what I mean?

Yeah. She's doing all the acrobatics. And then, so that's even weirder for him to go down on her. Because I feel like, you know, you can have some angry, like, we're actually competitors type sex. You know, those couples who are like, one's hardcore Republican and one's hardcore Democrat. You know, they just hate fuck each other. Get out all their stress. But to be like, all right, I'm going to go down on you, you bitch. Like, that's hardcore Democrat. You know, they just hate fuck each other, get out all their stress. But to be like, alright,

I'm gonna go down on you, you bitch. Like, that's some trust. To go down on your villain, on your enemy. Especially when Catwoman can fucking, Catwoman I bet can pop a head. Yo, Catwoman would do like that girl in The Boys did when she crushed that guy in her ass and he crushed her head. She crushed his head. Like, you gotta

be very trusting. Like, I'm gonna go down there. Don't slip my throat with your cat claws. Don't you do it again. You tried it last time, you bitch. I'm gonna go down there. I wanna come up for air in a little bit. Don't fucking kill me. You think after they finish, you just fucking

counts to 100? I'll give you until 100 seconds. Get out of this room. Then we have to resume fighting. I was supposed to arrest you. I'm gonna close my eyes. You can run away. Also, I know why he's going down on her. You can't get your dick out in that fucking thing.

Yeah. Unless it was like underwear really are like. He should get a cock hole. Imagine if he had the like. Well, he does wear the underpants. That's what I mean. I bet he's got a dick hole in his suit. You think he's got the quick dry flaw?

That like quick draw fly that like Tommy John has? No, I think once he takes off his underpants. That's what I mean. I bet he's got a dick hole in his suit. You think he's got the quick-draw flaw? That quick-draw fly that Tommy John has? No, I think once he takes off his underpants, it's just hanging out already. So are you telling me that Batman wears thigh-high stockings, basically, and then a shirt that goes down here, and then just the underpants? No, no, no. I'm just saying there's just a dick hole in the thing. You ever seen like a— So he takes the underpants off, and then he has pants on, but the pants have a dick hole. Yes.

Okay, got it. Have I ever seen what? He's in a onesie. Okay, so, right, okay, so it's like... I'm thinking of the cartoon, because that's what the I'm not thinking of... Right, okay, so he's got he's got like what we were wearing at the toboggan. Yes. And then he puts some underpants on. Then he puts underpants on. Which is like, why would he do that? I don't know.

To cover up his fucking exposed dick. I guess, yeah. Yeah. That's actually the only reason the underpants over it. Which is like, why would he do that? I don't know. To cover up his fucking exposed dick. I guess, yeah. I guess so. Yeah. That's actually the only reason that underpants would make any logical sense is if his dick is hanging out. He's got it, yeah.

He's got to cover it up. He's got, he just has a whole, like, you ever see like a, what is it, a tushy raw? They have like, yeah, they have like those like, but they wear like, Oh yeah, they wear like the scuba diving suits.

They wear like scuba diving suits. That is my favorite thing in the world because they're trying to make it so that you can't see the male talent. Listen, if you are so goddamn insecure that when you're watching porn, you can't catch the leg of a male talent. The word isn't insecure. It's gay. No, no. No, I know. You're so scared of admitting it.

Is that a guy's leg? Disgusting. His arms, I know. You're so scared of admitting it. Is that a guy's leg? Disgusting! His arms, his legs. He's in a full black fucking suit. It's like you're doing puppetry. It's like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where he's doing the puppets and he's got to blend into the background.

He's just trying to blend into the background so it's just a dick fuck. There's a huge cock falling out of it. What's weirder? Just a... This is so ridiculous. What is weirder? Just a... It's so ridiculous. That's exactly what Batman was. What is more

hard to watch as a straight guy who's so straight you can't see a dude? Just like a disassociated flying cock. Or just a man. You wanted to see a flying cock in your porn? The best is to... There are cock in your porn? The best. Come on. The best is to, like, they're definitely, like, sex shops that sell these things.

And they just took a pair of, like, Under Armour gold gear and took a knife to it. Just put a hole in it. It's like it's just spread wide open. I think they also, like, put it up over their head, right? They're like this. It's full. Oh, it's full. Yeah.

I legitimately think it's Under Armour gold gear. I think those guys are fucking blind. They're just like, I don't know. They got like mittens on their hands. Ridiculous. But Batman, Batman's wearing those underpants because he's got to cover up his dick. That's what I want. Next, if we ever, have we ever talked to a Batman?

We've never talked to someone who played Batman, have we? No. Because they've all been major, right? Yeah. Next time we talk. I don't know if we've interviewed George Clooney or Christian Bale. Next time. We could have gotten Val Kilmer or something, right?

He was a Batman, right? Kilmer was. Yeah, he was. Anyway, we're going to talk to a Batman one day. You dick cannot be comfortable as the actor. Not like a real Batman. But I guess as a real Batman. Like when you suit up for the day. You think Batman's real? Yes, I mean. If there were to be a real Superman. I mean the actors, not like a real Batman, but I guess as a real Batman. Like, when you suit up for the day...

You think Batman's real? Like, if there were to be a real superhero... He's like, I mean the actors, not the real ones. No, but, like, so I'm thinking now. Remember those real-life superheroes? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that guy? Like, Dark Guardian.

He was... I really, really wish those blogs didn't get erased. My fight with the real-life superhero Facebook page from Dark Guardian. Like, those guys, you know... blogs didn't get erased my my fight with the real life superhero facebook page from dark guardian like those guys you know it's one thing to watch your favorite comic books and shit and see the ridiculous like leotards and spandex and then another thing when you're gonna like i'm gonna go become a superhero you gotta make sure your dick's comfortable yeah and those costumes cannot be comfortable on the dick those big they were like yeah i was wearing 40 pounds of rubber

your dick's just like sweating inside a fucking 40 pound of rubber greenhouse. That's gotta be a catastrophe. The rubber makes it tough. Real tough, man. And you can't, like, there's no freedom there. You can't do that waistband talk if you get a fucking,

if Christian Bale gets a boner on set of fucking Batman, that ain't going anywhere except into a rubber wall. That's gonna be a problem. I imagine they got something underneath it, right? Like probably underpants on the inside. Yeah.

But, like, if you need to – like, if you're Batman, if you're one of those actors and you're dick itches. Too bad. You're doing, like, the stretching, the leaning, you're doing everything you can. You can't scratch that shit through a wall of rubber. You got an itchy ass, your balls are in the wrong spot, you are done, man. You start just kind of walking. Wiggling around. Yeah, you start sitting on seats.

Take five. Take five. Christian's balls are stuck to his leg again. Bro, I've done that fucking on this show a million times. You just start moving around? Yeah, just get an itchy b-hole and he's like... Oh, God.

Man, oh, man. Fuck this show. I'm so good at ruining everything. Everything. You ruin everything, man. Like, it's impossible for me not to ruin something.

You are. I see something pretty and I'm like, God, destroy it. I'm like fucking Tyler Durden. Like Thanos, man. Just out here ruining all of society.

This is going well. You know who says this? Your parents. Your parents are like, God, he ruins everything. What superhero do you think eats the best pussy? Spider-Man. No, wrong. There wasn't going to be a wrong answer until you said Spider-Man.

What does that do? He's got that perfect form in. That's not perfect form. That's all. Wait, yeah, you're right. Never mind. I was thinking like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

This is the perfect form. Yeah. This is the form that people, like, anytime I see somebody making a reference to fingering girls and they do this, I'm like, you're doing it so wrong. You don't even know how to finger puss, bro. Dude, that, Spider-Man is picking chicks up with that. He's picking them up by their pussy with that. But what if he's accidentally squirting?

Well, then that's a problem. Like, if he's fucking just covering pussies in webs. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's, who knows? He's like, oh, fuck, went off again. Hey, who among us? Don't throw stones. Nick just pulled up a picture of the Justice League

For us to, for reference Alright, let me take a look Oh, fucking, is that Thor over there? Thor eats a puss I disagree, I disagree I think that Thor is way too good looking He's the classic pretty boy who hasn't had to try No, they're all hot as shit

No, but Thor is like so good looking I mean, fucking I would think I swear to God, it's Spider-Man, man The little nimble fuck that gets down there. Nah, Captain America. Captain America fucking loves puss. I think Captain America has a little bit of like a frat boy.

I think he's a little date rapey. No, bro. First of all, I think I, you remember like in the first one when he jumps on a grenade? Because like he's like, he's. He's unselfish. He believes in sacrifice. He does. He does.

Like you try to suck his dick, he won't even touch you. No, no. He's like, get's, he believes in sacrifice. He does. And he's like, like he, like you try to suck his dick. He won't even touch you. No, no. He's like, get the fuck away from that. Push the shield up. Yeah. Not this dick. What did you do?

America's dick. Yeah. Only Uncle Sam can suck this cock. Who's the purple guy? That's Hawkeye. Hawkeye. He's an ass. Hawkeye, what a shit bag he is fucking doesn't eat pussy what's up

what's the what's the fucking guy let's put Paul Bettany's guy vision vision on there vision he's not on there no who the fuck's that guy in the yellow marcion Manhunter oh no that is vision yeah vision I think vision vision you know the real answer probably is? Probably Wonder Woman. You know that she's just munching box. She's this big jack fucking like, I'll eat your pussy right now. Iron Man, much like Batman's gadgets,

he'll probably get you off with the newest fucking devices. He is also the other one, he's the only other superhero here who like, I mean, maybe I don't fucking have a huge knowledge of it, but like fucks. You know. You know fucking. The real answer is like nothing. None of these guys

fuck. You know what I mean? Right? I mean the only ones I would think is Tony Stark. I've seen all their fucking action figures. None of them have dicks. None of them have dicks. You're all just smooth down below. Pull up Marvel, though. These guys are all DC, right? The thing with Tony Stark, though, is the same issue I have with perhaps Bruce Wayne. It's like, I don't know, do fucking billionaires?

Are they like, oh, no, I just fucking... I don't know. They just do weird shit. I don't even know. I don't think they eat pussy. Well, okay. Yeah, Bruce Wayne might shit on girls or something. Right.

He's got to take it to some level that's just, like, absolutely, you know, next level. Yeah, the Hulk, no way. Way too, like, dangerous. Like, the Hulk, if you try to fuck the Hulk, you're dead, you know? I'm telling you, man, Spider-Man's an acrobat in the bedroom, bro. He's kind of like, because you know what he is, too? He's like a boy, right? And he's like a, like, his dickies.

Yeah, boys don't eat pussy. But I disagree. They might not know the, they might not know exactly what to do. too he's like a boy right and he's like a like like his boys don't eat pussy but i disagree they might not know the might not know exactly what to do but i remember kind of the same well i guess i haven't evolved much it was the same idea back then it's like i know i'm not gonna be good at that that's when you're learning and you're trying really really hard but like you also i don't you want a 16 year old guy eating your fucking pussy let me ask you a question he's what he's a sophomore in high school, right? I definitely don't want a young boy eating my pussy, okay?

You fucking say it. I don't want that. I want a seasoned veteran. I want a silver fox old man eating my pussy. Now you know the energy for it. Yeah, that's true. Right in the middle. You're like a 36-year-old guy.

I was going to say 32, but sure. I lost my thought. Oh, how – back to reality for a second. We'll go back to the superheroes in a second. How is anybody bad at eating pussy? How are you guys bad at it? Just get in there and fuck it up. Right?

I mean, I feel like we've had this talk before. We see, like, a dog, a thirsty dog on a hot summer day in front of a bowl. But, like, there's really no, like, right or wrong way if you just fucking get in there and go wild on it. You know? Like, there's just a fucking spot, and you got to stimulate it a fuck ton. That's it, man. Just rah! And everything is rah!

You know? I mean, you can't go wrong. Yeah, it's scary. You're down here. Guess what? Your nightmare's back! Fucking smack it, scream at it, spit on it, whatever. Throw the kitchen sink at that pussy.

He puts it the same way Leon describes fighting someone. It was like, Leon in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, yes, yes. Which tells Larry, he's like, Larry, you gotta open that asshole up get in there and just fuck shit up fucking eat it eat a stick as well leave the rapper that say no you've been there it's true though like when I hear when when I always thought that you know the joke was you can't find the g-spot and then recently girls will be like you know it's like the little button that some guys can't find I'm like, can't find the clit?

Are you blind? It's so impossibly easy to find. That's like not being able to find the dick. It's the thing that's there. What do you mean you can't find it? It's like the only thing sticking out. Yeah, like the G-spot is an invisible thing on the inside. I get it.

You can't find it. That's like not being able to find the tits. It's just there. If you can find a nipple, you can find a clit, man. Fuck. But anyway, back to the superheroes. What about the X-Men? Give me the X-Men.

I don't think Wolverine needs pussy. I think Wolverine fucks. He's a great lover. He's a great fucker. But Wolverine can only fuck like doggy because he has to have his hands on the outside. Yeah, imagine that. Your finger in sync. It's just like right there. I Wolverine can only fuck like doggy because he has to have his hands on the outside. Yeah, imagine that. Your finger in sync.

It's just like right there. I like to think that his claws might pop off like a boner. Like he can control it for the most part, but sometimes it just goes. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll stab you in your ass. Cyclops has got to be dangerous. You've got to be careful. You knock off those goggles and you're getting the laser beam through your mid-stomach.

Yeah, you're getting a fucking unwanted hysterectomyomach. Are you Googling Google right now, Nick? I'm getting a hysterectomy real quick. I'm not on the ones and twos thing. That was Jackie? She just Googled Google. No, because Yahoo for some reason is my... Yahoo? Who uses Yahoo

and who says Yahoo? And how is it taking you so long to Google X-Men? I just did it, but then I did it on Yahoo. And now here. Yahoo. She says it like Yahoo. Like you're jumping on like Yahoo. There.

Yeah, give me a better picture. Pull up one of those pictures. Okay. The Beast. Oh, I think the Beast eats pussy. You think the Beast does? I think he does. Look, he's a little.

Look at him. He's a beast. Look at him. He's about to eat that clip. The way you said. You don't want to. I'm the Beast. He's smart. Guess who's here. And he's a little look at him he's a beast he's about to eat that clip the way you said you don't want to yell at him i'm the beast knock knock guess who's here and he's cerebral man he's like oh there's like 45 million nerve endings right here in this spot

and i'm about to stimulate all of them using my like like all the blah blah i actually i honestly don't even know who beast is i just know he's got sharp teeth he's a professor uh he's like a doctor who then he's kind of like a smart Hulk. What do you mean smart Hulk? Hulk smart. Yeah. He's permanent. He stays the beast, but he's like always a doctor. So they just did the same thing?

He's like a controlled Hulk. No, no, no. He doesn't like go back and forth. Oh, okay, okay. I think Professor X, I mean, he's handicapped. So unless you're riding that face, you can't be. Yeah, but he can fucking – first of all, he loves to get strapped down and have his face ridden. For sure.

So that might be good. You're doing all the work. But he can do it with his mind, right? Oh. Like, what if he's just fucking... Even if he just puts his mouth on it and does it with his brain, though, he's still like... He just vibrates and shit? Yeah, but I don't want that.

I want to fucking... That's cheating. That's like PG-13. Who is it? Jean Grey who can control shit with her mind, too? Or Rogue? Huh? Jean Grey. What control shit with her mind too? Or Rogue? Huh? Jean Grey.

What does Rogue do? Rogue can take other people's powers and she absorbs their life force or something. Jean Grey is like the baddest bitch, right? Yeah, she's telekinetic and can move shit with her mind and also read minds and all that stuff. Yeah, she'll make that pussy pop with her brain. No problem. But that pussy popping with brain doesn't count. Telekinesis on the pussy doesn't work.

No, because you've got to be old-fashioned. I want to come up looking like you just got off a fucking set at Double Dare. Just like fucking. Like you're in the Pi Pi. Be like, why are you so wet? Some sweat. It's got to be sweat. It's got to be a combination of everything, man.

What about Mystique, though? Like Mystique could just be whoever you want her to be. That girl could just be like, Mystique, go down there as... Me. Yeah, I want you to look like John Fiddleburg. Oh, no, I meant like me. Oh, like you could be... Yeah, like fucking Homeland against Dick Sucked Blood.

Would you get your dick sucked by yourself? I don't think so. I would not be good at it. I would definitely puke. Definitely. I feel like I would want to see it, not because it turns me on, just because I like to see weird shit. I want to know. I could not tell you what my reaction would be to myself sucking my own dick.

I want to see how I react. Would I be like, ah, get away from me? Or would I be like, yeah, take that. And if your clone thing like gives good head and you see yourself give good head, are you then like, yeah, give good head?

Yeah, but then I think you're like, wait, why am I giving this? Yeah, you're actually starting to suck your dick. What if I told you right now, what if I could tap in and be like, you can suck great dick.

Would I get you to suck a dick? Could I told you right now, what if I could tap in and be like, you can suck great dick, John. Would I get you to suck a dick? Could I convince you to suck a dick if I told you how good you are at it? No, because I wouldn't believe you. But that's what I mean. If I have a fucking magic power, I could tap into your brain and see things. You give the best head in the world, John. You are a gift just waiting to be. I have an idea of my gag reflex.

It's like, I don't think I have an idea Of my gag reflex It's like I don't think I suck For a good dick You would give such A terrible head to a gag Yeah When I said I puke That's what I meant

Yeah Yeah it's terrible Yeah I can't put a pinky In my mouth It's getting worse It's absolutely getting worse You'll hear it today On the Bobby Kelly interview

I honestly That might be my most Justified puke of all time No Yeah He was like We're talking about like baby poop. No, there was a lot of shit talk.

Yeah, but I mean, you know what's funny is he was doing, I don't know if you heard it because you were like puking yourself. He was going. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was on the verge himself. A lot of this episode. Nine years.

This is the perfect way. Like nine years and nothing has changed. Not a thing. I might be able to add money from advertisers now. Yeah. I might be able to make you puke with – can you pull up the Bachelorette clip that I – or I'll just play it on my phone because I don't even know if you guys have it really. I feel like you'll either puke at this or laugh at this.

No, you're not going to puke at this. If you puke at this, you're a fucking pussy. I know what it is. I haven't watched it, but I saw it. Okay. Do I start with this question? I'm going to start with this question. Have you ever shit on a dick?

I have not. Sounds like such a lie to me. I've never shit on a husband's dick during anal, and now I'm horrified, and I just don't know where she went wrong. Like, ladies, how are you preparing yourself to avoid that scenario? Like, if I have coffee in the morning, is like anal

like off the table for the day? If I have Taco Bell, is it off the table for a week? What if you don't have your daily food yet? Or do you do some special like prep work up there? That is September of 2020. What? So here's my theory. How old is she in this? That is September of 2020.

What? So here's my theory. So that is the new Bachelorette, Katie Thurston. She's only a couple episodes in, so she's like the brand new Bachelorette. That is from September of 2020. Now, when ABC hires you to be the Bachelorette, I am willing to absolutely 100% guarantee they have looked over every single social media post you've ever posted. I really legit think they might look at every single one. They certainly have gone as far back as to September of 2020.

I feel like she was already on set. Probably, right? Like September 2020. Probably, right? Yeah, you're filming or at least like they've chosen you by then or whatever. Do you think that they like saw that and we're like we're gonna leave that up like we want that like that's gonna get some traction at some point and we want like headlines of like the bachelorette talking anal we want to get edgy we

want to get it would help scene right i mean like it's just like the you want to go viral bachelorette talks about anal it's happening so. You know what I mean? So I can't – We're breaking down barriers this year. We got a black guy and a chick who loves getting dicks in the ass. Yeah. I mean that whole like, I don't know, ladies. You're a 30-year-old woman in the year 2021. Who's never heard of a fucking enema?

Yeah. You know the answer to all these questions. Give me a fucking break. Or do you think they were like, delete this, and she said no. But either way, this has been seen and is still up there for a reason and of course like now like all these like midwest moms are in her instagram comments being like what happened to being a role model what happened to being a role model i'm a fucking woman on a tv show where i date 30 guys like and and pick my husband in six weeks when was I ever supposed to be a fucking role model?

I am basically a glorified television gang gang lady. We are exploiting people's sexual exploits for group sex. I make out with every guy in sight and eventually

they put me in a room where I fuck multiple men on a weekend. I never was the opposing child. There are plenty of times where I suck Steve's dick and I go kiss Ben on the mouth right afterwards. I'm not a role model. I'm snowballing with these guys. You think that I give a shit about fucking my Instagram talking about anal? But, I mean, she really went for the gold there. I thought she was going to like you know have you ever

like had an accident on him he's like have you ever shit on a dick whoa whoa my friend has like yeah your friend has is your friend your asshole because that's his shit on a dick before

but I mean I guess guess, you know, they've already filmed, so it's like, I wish the Bachelorette was like a live thing or whatever because it's like, things would be a little bit different if this starts making the rounds.

Right. A lot of different jokes and shit. I mean, what do you do if the Bachelorette's still filming and this is out there and it's like your turn for a one-on-one?

It's like, so, how was your day? We found out about an anime yet. And have you used one today? Have you had Taco Bell this week? Or do you have a Gordita Crunch in the last year and you think no one can go near your asshole?

What is this woman's issues with shitting? I guess me, I probably keep a fucking Crunchwrap Supreme in me for about a week. I keep that thing on me. I keep that CGC in me. Keep it for a week.

God almighty. This episode is a catastrophe. This is a nightmare. Do you think she's talking about a fucking shit? Are we talking about a little bit of poop? No, I think when you have a mishap. I have different takes on that. Depending on which it is, I have different takes.

I think when you have an anal mishap, it's a murder scene. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean I've been around the – Yeah. A speck of poop before. Yeah, but I wouldn't call that – that I don't think you call shit on a dick. I think when you shit on a dick, like you uncork some bitch and it's lights out.

It's lights out. It's not good. Oh, my God. That's where we're going, man. Uncork? Really? Uncork a bitch. And she's just shitting fucking Taco Bell all over me.

You know what is disgusting? Not disgusting, but just like get inside the mind of a male. Like, obviously, you don't want that to happen. of course not, unless you're a real fucking weirdo. But like there's always a chance. And yet and still every single time we're like, I'll take that chance. I'll definitely take that chance. She could even say like I've had the Taco Bell. I'm still taking that chance.

Ultimately, who do you think that's worse for? I think it's worse for the girl. What? If that happens. Oh, I imagine it's rather traumatizing. Yeah, and it's not great for you, but it's like... I'd be over it before I got to the shower. I would be like, if you clean up, can we finish? Yeah.

Can I still put it in there? I'd probably gag and stuff, but mentally, I'd be fine. Yeah. I'd be like, this is unfortunate, but that ends the breaks. Yeah, right. Sometimes shit happens, literally. We're about to do the most disgusting, perverse shit to each other anyway. It's going to be spit and sweat and cum.

What's one more bodily fluid, man? Whatever. When I had this happen, and it wasn't to my dick, it was to a dildo, but I just threw the thing across the room so she wouldn't have to see it. Yeah, what a gentleman. I was like, I'll take this over to the team. What a gentleman. I'm like, open the closet.

Oh, by the way, speaking of dildos, this Bachelorette. Not a dildo, a buffalo. It wasn't fucking a dildo. I love how you do it like this. Look at your fucking dog. John ruins everything. That bachelorette, when she showed up on The Bachelor, she was a contestant. Okay.

She rolled up with a vibrator. She went up behind her back, and she was like, you know, it's been a tough year. Yeah, this chick's taking a dick in her ass. That's i'm saying she was like she was like this is the only thing that got me through quarantine wow and he like laughed and she was pointing out on my dick she was like but after i've seen the way you look and after um like i found out how long like it's going to be for me to win i'm going to keep this with me and she walked to the house with her vibrators it's like you're the vibrator girl you're're the butt sex girl. He should have been like, yeah, I fucking think I can smell you. And guess what?

Someone's not getting a rose tonight. Well, that's unfortunately what I said. It's like, she's a cute girl. She's talking. Yeah. And being mean, I'd be like, guess what? You got a stinky pussy. Next.

Now I'm like, now the thing is, I think of Katie the Bachelorette, I think of Poop Jack. Through no fault of her own. I think of stinky pussy and poop jack. Yeah. I didn't even smell it. I just made up a lieachelorette, I think of Poop Jack. Through no fault of her own. I think of Stinky Pussy and Poop Jack. I didn't even smell it. I just made up a lie. You really did. That is slander. I hope she sues you.

I hope she comes after that ass. My pussy is not stinky. We're going to have to find five minutes here, man. Let's talk a little boxing. Definitely. Let's talk a little boxing. Very violent weekend. Yeah?

We had real mma nate ds uh-huh we had fake fighting with the tiktok we had um son's fan demolishing that nuggets fan oh my god and i don't think people quite realize what happened most emasculating thing i've ever seen in my life what's the most satisfying about that is one, that dude, like, he threw the first punch, so he was being the asshole. So you get to, like, cheer for him. The fact that he got, like, bloodied up is, like, good. Two, the

reason why that happened is because he was wearing one of those obnoxious thick rope guido chains, because that's what that guy had him by. That's why he couldn't get away. Because, like, he's got your jersey. You can rip that. You wiggle out of it. That dude had a metal rope around his neck, and guy had him by. That's why he couldn't get away. Because he's got your jersey. You can rip that. You wiggle out of it. That dude had a metal rope around his neck, and he had that thing.

I bet you could get out of that if you want to, but he probably doesn't want to break it. Yeah, so he's just sitting there holding. And he would take breaks. He was like, boom, boom. I'm fucking your boy up right now. Boom, boom. Suns in four. Boom.

So you just had him. He was like, you're not going anywhere. That was the worst beatdown I think I've seen in a long time. That guy just comes up bloody, pulls his pants up, and literally scurries out of there. Like, oh. And then at the end, Suns in four. Bro. The worst thing that happened to you is yet to come.

You're about to get swept by the Suns, man. Fuck you. Oh. He was in Denver, and people were cheering him up. That's right. I forgot about that. That's how much of an asshole that guy was. Yeah, so what happened?

I don't know exactly what happened. I think, I don't even know. I'm not even going to speculate. But Suns in four. Suns in four. Oh, it's so fucking good. Suns in four is an all-time clip and line. And poor Jamal Murray.

I would be so mad if someone got their ass whooped wearing my jersey. Come on, man. You gotta do better than that. If you're gonna rep the colors, you're gonna rep the squad, you gotta fucking bring the heat there. The Suns, by the way, the Suns are about to break, I think, maybe, break my, like,

longest standing sports opinion. What's that? That there are just certain franchises in all sports that cannot win a title. Oh, you think the Suns are going to win it? I think they could. I really do. I think Chris Paul's playing out of his fucking mind. I feel like if they make it,

I guess it probably depends on Brooklyn's injuries, but if they do, this is going to be their best shot, probably. Speaking of injuries, when did this happen? The world, we treat sports injuries like we can't fucking like have fun anymore because like like like so two things happen one i just like saw the kairi stuff people in prayers up he's probably gonna play in game five say like he like he broke his neck or something right he like he sprained his ankle he's probably gonna play in game five like he said i believe he's so emotional and yeah it's like and everyone's like thoughts

with our boy. He fucking rolled his ankle. Yeah, LeBron tweeting about it. Like, Cavs, like, fuck. Yeah. Especially that. We were sitting on the run down like, yo, you guys don't like each other. And the world fucking knows it. Stop.

Fucking stop. If it was Kevin Love or something like that. Like, not Kevin Love. The kid from Louisville. Kevin where? Kevin where. Yeah. If it was Kevin where, that's a fucking different thing.

Like a catastrophic injury. Like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even if it, like, you know, the Paul George, even the Gorewood A-Wood was a little bit much, but it was... Yeah. No, it's a broken bone. This is a fucking rolled ankle.

Or if it's, you know, you're, like, a veteran, and this was, like, you're, like, you know, Dirk got injured in, like, you know, 2018 or something like that, where it was, like, ah, that's it for him. Yeah, yeah. He's never gonna make it back. Some reason to be emotional about it. This is, like... But then, and then the same thing happened, because I bet Finland in the him. He's never going to make it back. Some reason to be emotional about it. This is like –

And then the same thing happened because I bet Finland in – because that's where Tuka Rask is from. I bet Finland against – Denmark. Denmark. But I mean, that guy almost died. He almost died. No, he did die.

But like later after the game, I was like, fuck. I was like excited I won that bet. It was plus 1,100. Yeah. And people were like, we're really going to celebrate right now. Well, they played the fucking game. And he's okay. Like fucking game and he's okay like yeah at that point he's okay like it's not like it wasn't like oh i was happy like the fucking play got suspended or something i was like i had happily the game hasn't been resumed i actually didn't even know it started like

josh just texted me like a few hour later two hours later whatever it was and um he's like he's like wait did you actually bet finland i was like oh oh, yeah. And then. Pre-game, though, right? No, this was post-game. Because the play got suspended. I don't know what I'm saying. You placed the bet pre-game. Oh, yeah. Because Ndutudu was trying to live bet it.

So that dude went down, and he was like, fuck, where's the live line? I was like, well, that's a big grime. He didn't know, and he apologized. He was like, oh, I didn't realize how bad it was. He thought he just, like, twist, you know, blew out an ankle or a knee has anything been announced like what actually was it looks like cardiac arrest they didn't oh he actually dude he was dead they said he died oh i didn't know they resuscitated him like with the with the oh i just assumed it was a seizure or something yeah and i said cardiac arrest they said his heart it was it stopped and that they were

giving cpr but they they hit him with the paddles once uh and that's what like brought him back but then was like then that's crazy that they fucking made him finish the game crazy he he told them it's okay because he was uh cognizant enough after like getting carted off and he said to them like go back and play awesome like amazing but no yeah you know what i mean like someone be the adult in the room and be like i mean the guys were fucking crying their eyes out when they did the human wall and shit. And then you go on to lose, and it's like, well, we shouldn't have played that game. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, fucking Christ, man. Thanks for the, you know, vote of confidence, Christian. But we just lost because we were all upset because you almost fucking died, dude. Because you did die. Yeah, you fucking died. We all watched you die. Yeah. We're like.

That was crazy, though, to just, like, the way you just, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. But they said the captain, like, the captain, like, pulled the tongue back so he didn't swallow his own tongue, got his neck settled, told everyone to get around. It's like, that dude is a captain. Right. That's a fucking captain, man.

Like, he organized. I say that dude's fucking life, man. I was saying I feel like, thank God, the medical team, like, knew what to do. And I had some people in my comments on Instagram being like, that's what we do, man. We're trained that way. It's like, I get that. But also, you haven't fucking administered CPR or hit someone with the paddles in probably years. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're a soccer trainer. You're preparing for cramped up hamstrings and twisted ankles. And you're almost supposed to be there to put on a show where they're trying to milk a fucking yellow card. To be like, oh, we got to get the paddles out. It's like, holy shit, I could have easily fucked it. It's like, yeah, everybody does training, and then all of a sudden, for every job, it's like, I'm not prepared to actually do it.

But yeah, that was a wild, wild scene. They for sure called that game. Soccer is crazy, man. They're like simultaneously the biggest pussies and then the biggest wackos. You've got fucking explosives flying on the field. You've got people resuming games after dead guys. It's crazy, man. They're like simultaneously the biggest pussies and then the biggest wackos. You got fucking explosives flying on the field. You got people resuming games after dead guys. It's crazy, man.

All right, now we can do our ass. Today, before we get into, of course, top fives and our voicemails, I want to run through these Disney characters, the Disney characters of Barstool. So if you're listening to the episode, head over to the KFC Radio YouTube, and you can watch this episode. You're going to need to see these pictures because somebody on Twitter, I'll get his name in a second, give him a shout-out, created, he Disney-ified all of the people at Barstool Sports.

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go out and look a little more presentable. Mizzen and Main is the answer. And you can get 15% off your first order when you go to Mizzen and Main, M-I-Z-Z-E-N and Main.com. Use code RADIO for 15% off. That's MizzenandMain.com, promo code RADIO. So this guy on Twitter, Tony Deuce, I guess he is – I think this is just an app so at first i thought this guy was like you know animating these and stuff but he's just a guy who compiled all these on a fucking app so you can you can do this yourself if you want to it's called uh voila is the app so he made uh he took everybody on barstool and turned them into disney characters

so we'll run through each person here. We'll start obviously with us. I think I look like I'm going to be the asshole. Like the bully or something like that. Which is just like a self-deprecating way of saying I don't think I look handsome. I guess so. I guess looking like the bully is a good thing. Being the bully is not, but

I'll certainly look like the bully. I mean, these are all very generous. These are designed to make you look better than you are. Yeah, they don't put fucking ugly people on TV. Right. They're going to make a movie. They're going to make a princess looking like that. You look like a child.

You look very young. I look exceptionally young right there, yeah. They did give you the neck beard. Yeah. It is. I look like, oh, it's actually a good time to bring up something up uh i'm gonna start trying micro dosing for the rest of the oh sure okay that's mushrooms mushrooms yeah and uh the rest of the i'm just gonna try for the week the week and i didn't do it today

because i was like i was like i don't know i'm sure i don't feel anything but i guess it's like i don't know maybe if i take too much and I don't want to be high on mushrooms for the show. I am failing to see the problem. Well, I think I would have no problem doing mushrooms and then doing the show, but I just didn't want to accidentally be too high. Again, I don't think you have to worry about it. I just want to be like, let's just get high for the show today. We'll do it tomorrow. Yeah.

But it could be an accident. Yeah. That's the problem. Yeah. But I feel like that's probably what I'm going to – in my world, in my eyes – Do you have two different eye colors? I don't in real life. You look like Scherzer there, Connor.

Don't you? You look like you got some – I think they're both blue, though. They're blue. But what about microdosing? Nothing. Just one. Oh, just –

Get your repair. It's coming. Okay. The drugs are coming. Yeah. All right. So that's us. So Dave – Dave looks real. So that's us. So Dave.

Dave looks real. I was going to say, Dave didn't get the Disney effect. Yeah. His eyes are normal shape. They're like the hair on the beard looks. That just looks like Dave with like an Instagram filter. Right. They didn't turn it into a cartoon at all.

Yeah. It actually very much looks like Dave with an Instagram filter. Right. Like one of those on your Instagram stories that's like, you know, obviously kind of a joke at how much it's airbrushed. But yeah, they didn't really make him Disney of five. Even his ears look like, his ears look weirdly human. Yeah.

I don't know why of all people this one didn't like. I do think, oh, show me Jeff D'Lo. Jeff D'Lo just looks like Jeff D'Lo. Look at this. Look at that. Oh, wow. That's just Jeff D'Lo. That is 100% just Jeff D' just jeff i mean that is crazy i don't know

if that means that jeff has like really nice skin or something but like the the problem anybody who has a beard doesn't look very disney because the beards look very real here but the glasses look real the eyes aren't like that's just jetty low uh big Big Cat looks like he's, like, in a gay porn or something like that. What? He looks very, right? There's something about him to me. Maybe it's the pose, too. That just looks like he's, like, a.

Jackie was so quick. She's like, yup, he nailed it. That's exactly what he looks like. I don't know if Jackie's watching, but I'm on the same page as you, girl. We're good. We're good. Bob Fox. Bob Fox is three years old.

Bob Fox with the skinniest neck you've ever seen in your entire life. You can't see it because you can't see behind him, but he's actually so young he has to wear those glasses that are strapped to your head. Yeah. They can't fall off and take off. They're little Rexpex. Bob Fox looks like, I want to see like a Disney movie where he like, he's like peeking through the window

and sees like, sees like his parents having sex and freaks out. I mean, Marty Bush is a fucking cunt. Yeah, Marty Bush is horrifying. A Disney tongue is disgusting.

The Disney tongue is gross. It looks like they put the beard over his tongue. Never mind, I'm like, his nose is like. They tried to erase the tongue. That's what's going on there. They tried to erase the gross. It looks like they put the beard over his tongue. Never mind. His nose is like... They tried to erase the tongue. That's what's going on there.

They tried to erase the tongue? It looks like the app tried to erase it. The nose is the problem because it looks like there's no nose. It just looks like there's two holes

for a nostril. Dude, that tongue is going to give me nightmares. Maybe I don't want to see fucking Batman eat a piece of this. That's what cartoon tongues look like. That is just a female.

Oh my God. I mean, I know PFT always kind of, we joke that he's got some feminine characteristics, but with the Disney, they didn't put the beard in, really, and then you give him the soft skin. That just looks like a girl. That looks like...

Not only a girl. That's a hot girl. I was going to say, that looks like the girl who's trying to, she's trying out for the boys' team. So she's got the baseball hat on the sunglasses, and she just let her hair down, and everyone's like, wait a second, he's a girl.

He's hot. This is motocrossed. Yes, exactly. That's not just a woman. That's a bitch I want to uncork. Uncork a bitch. That's something the rocket would say to a girl. I'm about to uncork you, girl.

Jared looks like the same. Jared, very similar. It's the beards. Lenny! Lenny! Lenny looks like he's got Biggie's cockeyed. He looks like a small Asian Biggie Smalls. They very graciously trimmed off about 180 pounds.

He's got a weird cockeyed going, but just ever so happy. He looks like the Addams Family kid because he has that insane fucking widow's peak. Yeah, yeah. Well, Glennie does. Yeah, he straight up has it. Who was that? It's Wednesday and Pugsley. And then who's the uncle?

Uncle Fester. Right, Pugsley. Pugsley, Glennie. I actually didn't even know who this was. Now that I know it's Rhea this is a picture from Rhea with dark hair

that looks like she could just be the Disney princess like that just whoever whatever the next character for Disney is that should just be

what the girl looks like and actually it should talk like Rhea too I want a Disney princess I just want Rhea to be a Disney princess be the Long Island girl just like a Long Island bitch

who rolls blunts Fran Fran doesn't I don't know looks like fran i think that looks like fran too yeah that that is uh that's like honestly that is what like kardashians look like when they post on instagram which is crazy yeah oh frank frank frank frank is the guy from he looks like the guy from toy story kind of i don't know the guy who like redoes the yeah yeah the guy from Toy Story, kind of. I don't know who that is. The guy who redoes the... Yeah, the guy who makes the...

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what a lot of these are. The Polar Express where it's human-ish, but... That's the... What was it? There's an episode of 30 Rock where Tracy Jordan is... She Googled Google again, folks. It's just... It's just amazing. Tracyacy jordan is creating a

porn video game and and one i'd play well the the problem of the show is one of the problems that they're finding figuring out on the show is that like it's hard to be like cartoons aren't that sexy and then they become then when they get too real it gets weird. He's like, that's the Polar Express conundrum. He's like, get me out of here! I'm scared! Are you getting the Pornhub pre-roll with the video game?

I don't think so. I've been getting this pre-roll for a while now. And it's a... I always just get sexmate.com where it's just some Some fucking chick Laying in front of a laptop Playing with her pussy Yeah that

That I get that a lot I get the one for the I don't get Like I think That's the only one I get I didn't know that there were Yes

So this girl This girl's fucking hot as shit And The noises John The noise is Like him Like clapping her cheeks And like This girl's fucking hot as shit. And the noises, John. The noise is, like, him, like, clapping her cheeks. And, like, his dick going in and out. And they're very vivid noises.

It's like some ASMR shit. And she's, like, leaning her head all the way back. And he might be, like, pulling on her or whatever. And she's, like, moaning and groaning and trying to, like, speak. And she's, like, I got to get back to the office. I got to. And it's, like, clap, clap. And then there's another one where he's like,

she's making fun of her boyfriend's dick. She's fucking another guy, and she's like, yeah, he's so small. But she's just getting clapped, and it's this video game thing. I want to see it. I know. I feel like I see it all the time. I'm surprised it hasn't popped up on yours at all. I literally didn't even know that Pornhub had other kind of

heroes. Wait, you're telling me you haven't seen the... Can you put... You haven't seen the one for the pills to make your loads bigger? I mean, like, I see things like... No. First of all, no.

It's the funniest shit in the world. So it says, like... There's, like, some music playing that's like... And they're like, your regular load. And there's a squirt bottle that's like and they're like your regular load and there's a there's a squirt bottle of lotion and it just does like one squirt and then they're like your your your load on like load x and they just drizzle what looks like cum all over a laptop

all over the screen and the keys it It's like way too much fucking coffee. I've never seen any of these. I have like – I'm happy to see that Pornhub didn't autofill on Jackie's computer. I guess – yeah, there's no way to like – you just got to click on one. Yes. Yes, that's her. I'm so mad at myself.

Yeah, no, this one didn't do it. I'm going to click around for a second here and see if we can get it. I guess once you get one, you don't really get the others, right? Like once you get one. Yeah, that video game girl is something. Yeah, no, it's not going to happen anymore. How did you, what did you put in to get that? It said Pornhub video game.

Yeah, so most people. That's a good one. Can we get the video, though? Oh, perfect. This is higher. Yes. Shut the fuck up. Oh, I've never watched this part That music is so ominous

Yeah that Oh wait yes I have Because of that part This isn't like ominous music This is like fucking pregame music Yeah it's like some Some T.J TJ Watt music

100% remember the name I will tell you straight up I am gonna sign up for that video game I wanna see what those video games are all about It's probably gonna like Steal my identity And somehow auto charge me like $89 a month But I wanna play that video game

I wanna fuck that chick. We are... We got here from Disney, man. That's crazy. But wait, now let's... The last person I want to see here, you got to pull him up. I hate to do him dirty like this.

Pull up Big Daddy Trent. Oh, no. Yeah. Big Daddy Trent quote tweeted his and just said, God damn it. Big Daddy looks like a guy. I tweeted.

I said, it looks like a guy who has between 600 and 800 pictures on his hard drive. That's going to send him away for 20 years. That smile. When I see Trent do that smile, that's the Big Daddy smile. He's a nice guy. When I see the Disney version of him do that smile, that says, I'm a pedophile and hiding things on my hard drive. And I have pictures of Go Down 1 to Tommy Smokes.

Or Vibs. I have pictures of that person on my computer and him too. Yeah, all three of them. Vibs, Tommy, and Robbie are on Big Daddy Trent's fucking hard drive. Now, he doesn't want the KC's and the K's and the T's. He's got Frankie. He's got Frankie. He's got Frankie Morelli. We got little Frankie naked on fucking

Big Daddy Trent's computer. Oh my god, oh my. It's fucked up that they restore everyone's hairlines. They did. They gave everybody nice hair. Like hair back. It's like, well, I don't need to see this, man. Only in fucking your

Disney dreams will you have hair again, guys. Today's top five is brought to you by Omaha Steaks. It's Father's Day this weekend. Get your dad some steaks. It's a gift that he's going to like for two reasons. Number one, everybody likes some quality steaks and burgers and some meat that gets delivered right to their door. And number two, it'll give him something to do when he can go out and hit the grill when he doesn't want to be bothered by you kids and his wife.

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We argued about it. We started to argue about it last week. Best fruits. Top fruits. Because Feidelberg's an asshole. Surprise, surprise. Feidelberg's an asshole. I'm going peach one.

I mean, you can have it, bro. You can fucking have your hairy, fuzzy fruit. God damn good. I think you said last week you would lick the hair on the peach. Yeah, I would. Ugh. Yeah. Ugh.

Fucking. Disgusting. Look, you know what else I like about the peach? Pull that. Leave that up. Whatever you have there. Yeah, okay, good. That, like, the hardness.

Maybe a more normal one. Of the inside you like a hard peach? like you know like what the stuff that's around the pit and like it's like I really don't

I don't think I've ever had a peach like I've never had a peach you know what the problem with peaches I always think of face off peaches are very sexual fruit to me well yeah it's what

everyone describes as that I don't think it's ass oh it's I mean it's what it's what Timmy Chalamet fucked oh yeah that's right no, no. It's what Timmy Chalamet fucked? Oh, yeah, that's right. What is this?

It's what Timmy Chalamet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's fucking juicy. If you were fucking a fruit, if someone's fucking a fruit... You think of a peach as an ass? I think of it as a pussy. It's even to be able

to use the emoji. Yeah, like the outside of the peach is an ass. I think the inside of the peach, the actual fruit part, is very vagina-like. Yeah, it's fucking

juicy as shit. Right, right. I feel like... What you're describing is like the actual fruit part, is very vagina-like. Yeah, it's fucking juicy as shit. Right, right. I feel like... What you're describing is like the best fruit in the world. I can't... No, what you're describing is the best pussy in the world.

I don't want the fucking fruit. One and the same. Fruit and pussy is the same? Yeah. Fucking juicy, little hairy, little... Oh, no.

No, god damn it. God. Hashtag Tommy wants everything. I'm going number one. I'm going watermelon. Watermelon is the most refreshing fruit in the world. You know what I've been having recently? What?

Watermelon goat cheese salads. Bangarang. I don't typically like fruit in my salad. Remember that old fucking beer commercial, the trend, where it was like, don't fruit the beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't fruit my salad. No, this is so good with the goat cheese and a balsamic glaze. I mean, like, for the summertime, fuck it.

I don't know where you get this salad because, like, I've definitely seen it. Maybe it's just, like, a popular salad, but I know that exact salad. Yeah? I don't know how because I've never because like I've definitely seen maybe it's just like a popular salad. But I know that exact salad. Yeah. I don't know how because I've never eaten it. But I definitely know that. I think it's like a it's like a special on a lot of like the summertime menus of places. But but yeah, watermelon is far and away the best. I have good watermelon like when it's red and like, you know, dark red.

So, you know, you're getting a lot of the like fucking juice. Yeah, I guess this is a very sexual top five. big time fruit i'll fuck a fruit i'll fuck a watermelon would you fuck a watermelon yeah i feel like that would be very very fleshy like that is the the fruit to fuck like i would cut a watermelon in half oh no way fuck it i'd just go whole okay i don't want to fuck no no wait don't disagree uh-huh wait so Wait. Don't disagree. Wait, wait, wait. So you would cut a hole? I just cut a hole in the watermelon. Fuck that. In like the...

No, because then you're just fucking nothing. What? So I want to fuck... I want to cut the watermelon in half so that my dick has to push through the stuff. Through the fruit. If you just cut a hole in it, then you're just fucking a hole. There's nothing... What are you talking about?

There's nothing like touching your dick then. You know what I mean? It's a fucking full thing of fucking I'm just taking the fucking the rind off. You're not cutting into the red. I'm leaving all the fucked red. I'm just going to cut the

whole thing open so I can just fuck the whole thing. We got this stuff on Disney. We are on pick two of a fruit draft. I'm still on pick one. First on pick one. I'm the second pick. I'll tell you what, we've got to J.J.O. before these episodes, man.

We've got to blast off before we talk. Bro, it is. All right, you're first. I'm going to blast off inside a fucking watermelon is what I'm telling you. I'm going to fuck a watermelon tonight. Okay. You should have fucked a watermelon instead of a pie. That movie should have just been called Watermelon.

Yeah, but a nice fucking sticky pie. No, I feel like, first of all, was that pie hot? No, it was cooled. See, I don't want to fuck a cold pussy. I want a cold pie. I did that once. It was terrible. Making a joke that I fucked a dead person.

I didn't, okay? I don't know if that was a literal one. All right, what are you going to say? Number two, go plum. Fucking plum. Super underrated. You get a nice fucking plum, Kevin. Then a fucking juice. Guess what? Oh, because the outer casing

is so like elastic-y. It's almost like popping a balloon when you bite into it. It pops. You're arguing for this fruit? And the juice just drips all over you. Do you eat the balloon part? It's not a balloon part.

It's just a taut skin. This motherfucker said taut skin as if that's a good point for his fruit. It's got the skin of an Instagram model. It's just fucking... Pulled tight, just ready to rip at any moment. Does a plum have like a pit in it or something? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's a big pit in a plum. Oh. Yeah, you gotta eat around that. Well, fruit doesn't have a pit or a core. What are we talking about? Oh, like a ton of them. A ton of them. A ton of fruits.

A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits.

A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits.

A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits.

A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. A ton of fruits. You sound like almost all. So many fruits don't have that. I'm going to go with, I don't know the difference between them, so I'm just going to say all of them.

The clementine slash tangerine slash whatever the small oranges are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's another one. There's a third one. What's it called? Clementine, tangerine, and. You're right, but I don't know. What's it called? Clementine, tangerine, and... You're right, but I don't know. What's it called?

What's it called? Maybe is that one? Tangerine, clementine, and... Like mandarin orange? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yep, that's it. Those I like better than the orange.

I feel like they have... Oranges sometimes aren't as... Mandarin orange kind of sounds problematic, by the way. Yeah, it does. Why don't we call them oriental oranges? I just meant like it's like they're small. Oh. And Asian people think they're small. Yeah it does. Why don't we call them oriental oranges? I just meant like it's like they're small. Oh. And Asian people think they're small. Yeah they're tiny.

This is like the orange is the American and the tiny one? Yeah it's a Chinese orange. It's a Chinaman orange. I think the um. What are the differences between these things? What do they say? Like obviously an orange is bigger,

but what's the difference between a clementine and a tangerine? I like clementines, I think. They come in those fucking big boxes. Yeah, yeah. That wooden box with a net, and you just rip them and eat them, and they're juicy, and they explode, and they're very flavorful.

And I think that the oranges, oranges have more of that white stuff all over. Yeah, I don't know what it is. The hair. Yeah, I don't like that. The clementine has less of that stuff, I feel like. Yeah, you're right. I know what you mean. So I'm down with the clementine more so than the...

Are you good at peeling oranges and stuff? Uh, yeah. Can you peel the elephant? Oh, fuck no. I just take it like a banana piece by piece, whatever. People can do it all in like one shot. Fuck them. You gotta roll it first

that's the trick that loosens it up yeah alright gotta roll them around and get them loose for you alright

what's your third stupid pick blackberries he's trolling now I'm not I love blackberries what do you do with blackberries actually fine

fuck it I'm gonna go strawberry first blackberry picks come next though what okay we'll let you sneak that one what are you doing with blackberries? Actually, fine. Fuck it. I'm going to go with strawberry first. Blackberry is coming next, though. What? Okay, we'll let you sneak that one. What are you doing with a blackberry? You just eat them?

Actually, no. We're putting blackberries back to five. Raspberries, four. You're doing strawberry, raspberry, blackberry. I love fucking berries. Pause. Raspberries. Yep. And blackberries.

Do you eat them raw? Do you eat them raw, Dargham? Yeah, fuck it. Handfuls? Yep, big handfuls of them. Well, blackberries are large, so no. Oh, yeah? Yeah, blackberries are pretty big.

What does a blackberry look like? I mean, it looks like a bunch of little berries on one big berry. You know, it would be... I feel like blackberries are problematic for tryptophobia people. Oh, yes, for sure, for sure. Oh, this bitch, Jeff.

That's not really her fault, but that was a very funny thing. Like I asked her for a picture of a fruit, and she just pulled up a bunch of pictures of phones. Yeah, these are definitely tryptophobia. Yeah, I don't even have tryptophobia, and that's bugging me out. All those lumps, I don't think I want to see that. I can't believe that she just Googled a bunch of phones. She is, hands down, the worst Googler in the world.

I feel like honestly, she has to be the new Alarmingly Stupid. Tom, interview with me. You're like three seconds away from getting kicked out. Tom, what's wrong with that experience? He's like so stupid. This is a classic rundown, though. It's gone a million different ways. Alarmingly Stupid is such a mean thing to say

That is so brutal That whole exchange was like surreal Watching him react He might be able to get us credentials next year Ten minutes behind the times And like way off Alarmingly stupid Tom, alarmingly stupid

That's what Tommy That's what Tommy was She's alarmingly stupid. That's what Tommy was. She's alarmingly stupid. I've been Googling this whole time, and not once have you guys complained. Oh, I've wanted to so many times. I've heard you so many times. You have so many tabs open, and you're Googling Google. Nick was the one who got the answer on a couple of those things

because you're just the slowest Googler in the world. I purposely asked you to Google things just waiting to see what you're going to screw up next. It's amazing. Okay, so I have three picks now? Yeah. Okay, can I get that list back up? I mean, I'm not going to do what y'all think I'm going to do,

which is draft banana. I fucking hate bananas. Bananas are good, though. I wish I wanted to love bananas more than anything in the world. They're perfect. They're a snack. They're on the go. You more than anything in the world. They're perfect. Like they're a snack. They're on the go. You can bring them in the casing and they're like, you know, they're already basically packed up for you and you just peel that son of a bitch and you eat it.

I feel like people put them in peanut butter. How about when they put it in cereal though? You're going to just eat a fucking milk soaked banana. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. Yeah, definitely. Like a milk soaked banana for sure you know what's crazy you you'll i get it that you'll eat with with with with the cereal but

if i ever just gave you a cup and a banana would you ever just dip it and eat it you never know never that is disgusting right disgusting so i wish but i've been saying with raisins like i love raisin bran raisin bran crunch come the fuck on. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't fucking – Eat a box of milk. I wouldn't pour a bunch of raisins in my milk and just eat that. That's crazy too. One time, you know what I'll say? I often, you know, experiment with cereal.

Like, I think that Lucky Charms should have about 75% marshmallows and all that. One time, I tried to up the raisins of Raisin Bran. Oh, can't do it. They have figured out the perfect amount of raisins. Raisin Bran. Oh, can't do it. They have figured out the perfect amount of raisins. Oh, well, it's good. It's also not the right raisin. It's a very different raisin. It's not sugar-coated and harder.

It's a little bit drier and harder. The soft raisins are no good. No, soft raisins are garbage. You drafted strawberries, correct? Yeah. That would have been my other pick. Now we're getting into things that I probably don't really eat. I am going to pick something off the grid, I think, a little bit because you don't think about just eating them straight up, but a lemon.

A lemon for all of its other. Yeah. Squeeze it on your seafood. You have it with your shots. I actually really enjoy putting a slice of lemon in my water. I go to Dunkin' Donuts. I get extra lemon in my iced tea. A Dunkin' Donuts. I get extra lemon in my iced tea. A Dunkin' Donuts iced tea with extra lemon

is the greatest refreshing drink on the planet Earth. It's fucking amazing. The lemon. And I'll tell you what. Sometimes I just take a bite of a lemon. Really? I don't, like, eat it, but I like the, like... Yeah.

It's almost like chewing, like, a stick of gum or something to me. See what you do when you wake up in the morning? Yeah. Eat a lemon quick. Gets me going. So I got a lemon. Looking at this list here.

I'm going to have to take the... I'm going to have to take the apple. I will take the apple. The apple is... Bullshit. What? Garbage pick. Boo.

No, it's a great pick. I specifically think I will take the green apple. I like them to be a little more sour. And those fucking apples... Oh, God. You're just sour. The thing about an apple, the apple needs to be, like, perfectly ripe. That's the problem with the apple.

Yeah. Because you get it before or after. But whatever. You get it when it's fucking ripe. What's the problem? I don't know how to find a ripe apple yeah you're an idiot don't blame don't blame the apple's shortcomings on you the apple has many you don't need to just google apple it's okay go back to it now you're just trying too hard go back to the list i don't just need pictures of apples you gotta get a feel for the game, Jackie Apple

We got there Apple Most iconic lines in cinematic history What was that from? Dennis the Menace Oh Super iconic That pervert

Yeah, that pervert Because they hit on the little boy And he's like What do you got there? He goes Apple He holds out That's an iconic line Yeah, I guess so Because they hit on the little boy, and he's like, what do you got there? He goes, uh, apple. He holds out. This is an iconic line.

Yeah, I guess so. What is, um, what's that thing next to pomegranate? I can't read it. Yeah, what's that say? Rambutan? I've never even fucking heard of that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Go back to the list.

You just asked what it was. I just, did I, if I don't say Google it, don't Google it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's fine. Go back to the list. You just asked what it was. I just... Did I... If I don't say Google it, don't Google it. I just said, what is it? I think I'm going to go with my last pick. I can't believe you're not getting... I mean, Kiwi, God, what a good fruit that is, too.

Yeah. But I'm trying to be realistic here. Like, I don't really have Kiwis all that often. I imagine a pineapple's pretty regular. I was going to think a pineapple was my last one, I think. That's a good pick. Yeah, I think so. Also... Not. I was going to think a pineapple was my last one, I think. That's a good pick. Yeah, I think so.

Not a fruit you want to fuck. Also, I'll tell you right now, avocado, not a fruit. No, neither is fucking eggplant. When people go tomatoes, you know they're actually a fruit because they have seeds? Fuck you. A tomato is a vegetable. Straight up. That's a fact.

Don't give me any bullshit about seeds. Tomatoes are vegetables. Avocado, vegetable. Correct. They're good. I love both of them. Don't give me any bullshit about seeds. Tomatoes are vegetables. Avocado, vegetable. Correct. They're good. I love both of them. Don't get me wrong. I will eat a tomato like an apple. I will take a bite of a fucking tomato like that.

I don't think it's gross. I will eat slices of them. I'll eat those cherry tomatoes. They pop in your mouth. Phenomenal. Yeah, that pop you're talking about, that's the plum pop. Yeah. The plum pop is far inferior to the tomato pop.

I'll tell you that much. But yeah, pineapple will be my final pick. I was also maybe going to go with a melon there. Just a straight up melon. Like the green ones? I don't know. What's in like your fruit cocktail? Oh, cantaloupe.

Do I like cantaloupe? I don't know if I like cantaloupe. I mean, cantaloupe. Honeydew. Yeah, honeydew is good. You know what I can't believe you didn't pick after that big hubbub is the passion fruit.

This man ran around the bar yelling passion fruit. Didn't even pick it in his top five. You're a passion fruit fraud. You're a passion fruit poser. I don't think a passion fruit has a fruit, though, because I don't think I've ever really seen a passion fruit. The name fruit's in the fucking name. The word fruit's in the name.

But, like, it doesn't come up in my mind. You know what else? Coconut. Not a fruit. Nope. But also not a vegetable. A coconut just is its own thing. It's just a nut.

Yeah, it's a nut. But passion fruit, I just think of as juice. Oh, okay. That's fair. I very much like the juice, but I don't think I've ever seen a passion fruit. You know what looks like a good fruit to fuck? The papaya. Look at that thing. Look at that thing hollowed out fruit. You know what looks like a good fruit to fuck? The papaya. Look at that thing.

Look at that thing hollowed out there. I feel like that's a good dick hole. Nah, it's not fucking. No, no. Papaya's a terrible fruit to fuck. Oh, you know what I think? What you're looking at is the fucking pit. Yeah, I think if you took the pit out, you could slide your dick in.

There's nothing to fuck, though. Basically, papaya's a fucking skin and bones chick. Yeah, that's a skinny girl papaya's a skinny girl you know what I think I like I know I like grapefruit I think I eat grapefruit

you ever eat grapefruit I honestly don't even know if we're talking about liking it or eating it or fucking it you put a little sugar on it yeah

have you ever eaten a grapefruit with a grapefruit device thingy where you cut the like the little slices out I know of it but it's garbage you get the right amount's garbage. Where you cut the little slices out? I know of it, but garbage. Fucking good.

You get the right amount of sugar on there to cut the... How about... What's your crazy call? He eats cookies with grapefruit juice or something like that? My crazy who? Chaps. Oh, I don't know this. He does grapefruit juice with cookies.

No, he does orange juice with cookies. No, no, no, but there's something with grapefruit juice. He might do that, too. Yeah. He likes the acid with the cookie. That man is disgusting. Okay, voicemail time. They're brought to you by Movement.

M-V-M-T. You know the motherfucking name. The Movement is here. The Movement has been going strong for, what? We were around for nine years. They've probably been around for five of them because they got a whole new lease on life, if you will, when they started doing the sunglasses. Yeah.

They had the watch game on lock, and then along comes the sunglasses game. And even that, at first they started out with just like your black shades, you know, and now they're doing, you know, this stuff with the flip-up frames and they're doing like the neon colors and the translucent lenses and doing this stuff with the flip-up frames and they're doing the neon colors and the translucent lenses and all this stuff. So they went from just like the standard watches and standard glasses to the high fashion, very trendy. You look very nice in them too.

Yeah, you think? I have body dysmorphia. I also have fashion dysmorphia where there are things like, like, I just can't pull this off. And it's like, bro, you look exactly like Feidelberg in the grand scheme of things. You know what I mean? Like, we don't look alike, but in the grand scheme of things, we look alike. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, you put it on, and I'm like, yeah, that works. I put it on. I'm like, you're a loser. You look terrible. It's because I have kids. Isn't it crazy that I have kids? We were talking about it earlier. How do I have kids?

That's fucking nuts, man. I mean, look at me. Look at me right now. How do I have kids we were talking about earlier how do i have kids that's fucking nuts man i mean look at me look at me right now how do i have kids listen to what i just talked about for an hour and a half how do i have kids you know thank god this works i'm gonna have some money because if i didn't and this and i was just mediocre at this and then i had kids i would i would have brought such shame to their name you know it's like i did bring shame, but like here's college tuition. So at least I can make up for it. But God damn, having kids and being me is so weird. Yeah, you must look in the mirror and be like, people depend on me.

I have dependence. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, Jack said, how does someone trust you with their life? I'm like, well, they didn't have a choice. They didn't pick me. Yeah, they might not. They don't trust me with their life? I'm like, well, they didn't have a choice. They didn't pick me. They might not. They don't trust me with their life. Yeah. They have other picks

for sure. But I'm smart enough to know that you can go to Movement and get these sunglasses and get these watches for a fraction of the price that still have high quality materials and a very fashionable look. They have everything's affordable.

Everything's quality. And all different sizes of... For the watches, all different sizes, all different shapes, different bands, different faces, different materials, men's, women's. Same thing with the sunglasses, with the frames and the lenses.

So go to movementmvmt.com slash KFC. That's mvmt.com slash KFC. Get's mvmt.com slash KFC. Get 15% off your order, plus free shipping and free returns. That's mvmt.com slash KFC. All right, so what we're going to do here for voicemails, a special nine-year anniversary edition, we are going to go back and do the voicemails from the very first episode of KFC Radio.

I was on 89th Street on the Upper East Side of New York, solo by myself in my apartment. I think I just recorded it with my laptop on, like, QuickTime. I had these big fucking headphones on. What's going on, Stoolies? I had, like, so much equipment that I didn't need. In hindsight, I put up, like, a whole studio worth of shit when all I really needed was, like, a USB mic.

But that was the birth of KFC Radio. You know what's funny? Like the only time probably in my entire life that Dave – and there's two times Dave gave me credit. One, he was really nice to us at the Wilbur when we did our show. Yeah. In a very condescending backhand way like, I can't believe you guys can do this.

Like you pulled this off. But then when I first announced the show when i set up the google voice number line uh where i was like you can call this number and leave voicemails and then i'll answer them he like immediately emailed me and was like what are we doing with this like how where's that gonna live and how are we gonna put it up that's a i think he's like that's a genius idea and then i sent him the first episode and he must have hated it. So he never actually commented on the show. He just liked the

format idea at the time. The very first voicemail like here. Do you have it? Play it. Because it's making fun of him. That's probably why I didn't like it.

Alright, I fucked that last one up. Would you rather put as much gel on your hair as El Presidente did for the rest of your life? Ah, fuck.

God damn it. Jesus Christ. Can you ever get that level of drunk where you just like, you feel like you should be smart, but you can't like talk? Listen to the way this guy says he laughs. You can't talk, it just sucks. You probably aren't even listening right now, so. Oh, fuck. I'm thinking about J-Ho right now. Oh, fuck. I think I might J-O right now.

That'd be weird. What are the chances you post the audio of the sound of a guy J-O-ing on a bar stool? All right, I'm too fucking drunk for this. Well, now I know why Dave was like, okay, never mind. Wait, that was it? Yeah, he called back again. I don't think we need it. I was just surprised at the abruptness of it.

So what was the would you rather? I think, yeah, well, no, do we have the second one or no? The second one, he goes on to say, would you rather have as much gel in your hair at all times as Dave did when he was on the Jim Rome show or always fuck up phrases like he did, like last gun in the bowl? So I was going to say that's the thing about like those. A lot of these like little like time capsule things are like dependent upon what was going on at Barstool. Yeah. And so like so when Dave went on the Jim Rome show, he famously said, it's the last gun in the

bullet, so to speak. And, you know, that was like, obviously that that's like down in Barstool lore. But he also at that point was doing like that crazy hair gel. He used to like gel in general, you know, like that L.A. looks gel is from a long time ago. You do that when you're like a little kid in elementary school. And then I remember like for me, I don't know if it was like for me, it was like seventh, eighth grade.

We were all like loading our hair up with gel, doing the down and swoop. You know what I mean? But Dave was just like dripping with hair gel. It was crazy, right? I mean, it was just like, look, I just I just air dropped. We got it over here. Don't worry. I mean, it was just like that shininess when he turns. It looks like he put like shoe polish in his hair or something like that.

This was also pre. She's still trying over there. She's still going. Yeah. This was also like his bald spot wasn't too bad yet, so when they showed him from the back, it wasn't all that bad. But this is prime time. Like, I cut my own hair.

I have surfer hair. Love cutting his own hair. Love cutting his own hair. And what's so funny is when he finally got money, and he was like, oh, I'm going to go get my hair cut. Like, no acknowledgement that, like, yeah, it's ridiculous to cut your own hair. As a grown adult, to cut your own hair when you're, like, 40 years old, like, you finally realize, like, oh, yeah, it's ridiculous to cut your own hair. As a grown adult, to cut your own hair when you're, like, 40 years old, like, you finally realize, like, oh, yeah, that's so stupid.

Oh, I have to, like, look good now? He had one of those, like, newbies or whatever they're called. Flow bees or buzz bees or whatever. Yeah, it would just cut all your hair in one length. Same length, yeah. And he was like, no, I can do it better. I'm like, what is wrong? But you know what?

That's the kind of, like, that's the delusional. It's not even delusional, I guess. That's just like the level of self-confidence you need to go make $250 million. Like, I am better at everyone, at everything. I can cut hair better than people who do. Yeah, I cut my own hair. It's psychotic. I just, you know, nine years later, I remember that guy going, for the rest of your life.

And he was so drunk He just said life So fucking bizarre It was so weird Next up This second one Isn't like a question But it's just

Quick Hey KFC This is Rex Ryan Hey I heard that You're currently Suffering from the gout So I was Wondering if I could

Come over and Share some donuts With you Maybe about Three cartons full, and then I could fuck your fat ankles, you fat fuck. What? I think at this point I was kind of like, I don't even know. I was like, like it wasn't a call-in question show.

It was just like call-in. I think I said like you can leave a drunk voicemail. You can, you know, say whatever you want. So at this point, Rex Ryan was fucking feet. And this guy's like, I'll fuck your fat ankles, you fat fuck. Okay. All right. Like, cool.

This is what goes on at Barstool Sports. Rex Ryan, I feel like it was a huge deal. It was not a huge enough deal. And it wasn't big enough. Like, it was definitely, like, it was talked about a lot. Obviously, you had the shirts that did really well. Both sides, Boston and New York. It was funny.

We had shirts that were like praising it, and you guys had shirts making fun of it. It was like on around the horn, that shirt you had, right? Uh-huh. And it was like it was a big thing. It was on the news shows. But like a fucking. He filmed a full-blown porn. A fucking NFL head coach was on websites for feet fucking.

Dude, remember the video he made? Not like he was searching them. He was on the site. That video, he went out to the car with his wife and said, honey, put your feet out the fucking window, and I will film. And he comes up. He's like, oh, they're so sweaty. Yeah, he's like, what are you doing?

And she's like, nothing. Just hanging with my feet here. Just wiggling her toes. And he's like, yeah, just hanging with my feet here. She's wiggling her toes. And he's like, yeah, I like their feet. And then, I mean, that was like his first year, I think, maybe second year. The Jets were good. They were like 10-6 or 11-5 or whatever. They were making the playoffs right away.

And their head coach, that's probably why, by the way. It was probably like, I don't know. She Googled Google again. I mean, it's just insane. That's her third time Googling Google on one show. Now, to be fair, I have to step up for her real quick. Don't you dare. I also Google.

No, no, no. When you compare Jackie to John, it does not exonerate her. You have AdBlocker, right? I don't know. Oh, never mind. She's like, I don't know why I'm doing this. So if you have AdBlocker, where's my laptop? I mean, we don't need, you guys are both idiots.

How about that? You're both just dumb. No, no, this will make sense. This is actually. No, let him talk. Let him talk. Just a man's thing. Yeah, he's like trying to figure out what her fucking argument is going to be in the future when friends see this.

Let's just see what John says. Google and Google My issue is that Something happened Yeah Oh yes You downloaded something From the internet

Yeah Right So here it is Oh yeah This is why you had Yahoo as your default The other day Yes

I still do Yeah So I go to Google Got it To that Yeah I did notice that I use your Google

So yeah I'm not Googling Google I just type Google Into the search bar And then I go to Google. Idiot. It's both of you. It was a mind guy.

It was when I downloaded AdBlocker. It just, like, automatically. And I've changed it back, and it still, like, goes to that. I don't understand why. If anyone knows how to help me, help me. It'd be great. But Rex Ryan, man. I know you.

Like, I think because they were winning, maybe they were like, well, I don't know, whatever. Dude's, like, making it to the AFC Championship. He can fuck his wife's feet. And because it was his wife, I think there was a whole lot of that, like, kind of, like, respect what this couple does, you know? Right, but it's not like a private. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, oh, yeah, in the bedroom. He can do whatever he wants with his wife. It was just on, like, you know, X videos or Pornhub or whatever. I think so, yeah. Crazy. Like, crazy. That's also, like, there are just things in throughout the history of barstool and i guess even the uh yeah he had the picture of his wife's feet on his fucking desk that shit was wild yep remember that they're just the soles of her feet dude that's one of the

craziest fucking things that's gotta be a troll job that's funny dude look at that that is actually looking that might be like phot Photoshopped in there at this point because that's when he was on the bills. So either that's a troll job or it was, like, you know. He was what he knew. Yeah. I mean, that picture, like, it's perfectly over his shoulder. Yeah.

Any other position he's standing in is blocking him. Yeah. The, like, the serendipity of Barstool, New York, and Rex Ryan, huge. Like, the feet thing, the goddamn snap. Has he ever done any of the Barstool? He must have been a part of my take or something, right? Rob, obviously. Rob did.

I don't know if Rex ever did. God, I got to get him one day. I got to, like, thank him. Legit, I mean, the goddamn snacks line on hard knocks, the lap band surgery, like him being huge. He was fucking fat. The very first thing he did actually was a very good like lesson that I learned because I'm used to like, you know, Mets and Jets being like these fucking teams, man. And that was kind of like the blogger tone that I had. And I remember Dave kind of being like, you know, you got to like hype the fans up a little bit more.

But I was being like my honest self being like, you know, fucking same old Jets. And the very first thing he did was he sent like every season ticket holder got a voicemail from Rex Ryan. That was like, hey, like season ticket holder, like it's Rex Ryan. I just want to let you know we're going to go out there and like kick some ass this year. And I was like such a fucking corny try-hard move. And I got an email from Dave being like, he wanted to – because we were the only ones that had that. Like, somebody sent the recording to us.

Oh, really? So we were like, we put that on, like, a YouTube page or whatever. Like, we're going to get a lot of clicks from people. You wanted to hear what Rex Ryan said. So he emailed me. He was like, where did you get that? We need to put that up on one of our pages. Like, by the way, P.S., like, I would have gone the other direction on that.

I would have been like, fuck, yeah, like, ready to go. And I was kind of like, I don't know. I think it's lame, whatever. But lesson learned that it was like because some fans were like, yeah, no, I got that message when I was at work. And I was like, fucking let's go, you know. And then Rex ended up being, like, awesome and the team was good. But, yeah, like, think about it now. If, like, a head coach put out like a porn a legitimate

just like a pornographic movie I mean I I wanna at that point he was fat I wanna watch him fuck her feet I was for sure watching that

the video is from he would have to lift the belly yeah for sure get her feet in there you know and I a lot of belly to lift his belly is so big

that he has to one has to lift the belly two I think he's gotta keep it up the whole time whole time cause it's just so much weight it's just fucking it would push everything out

so he's drive the dick down he almost needs you know when you have like they're not crutches but they're like they're like they're like little armpits

like a little yeah yeah yeah he needs like those things those are crutches though they're kinda like crutches but they're not they're more just like they rest. I don't think they have the handles at the bottom.

You know what I'm talking about? They're literally, they're just like this. They're just like a U. They're like a Y. Like that. Yeah, I think they're just old crutches. Yeah. So he needs those to just prop under his belly and just sit there.

That would be. He needs belly crutches to fuck. That's crazy. When you're so fat, you need a belly crutch? I bet you that the truly fat people do things like that where they're like, all right, you want to fuck? All right, let's get over by the counter so I can, you know, flop it. Like, he probably gets head with her under the table.

He probably can't even see her blowing him because he's putting the belly on the table while his dick's under the table. If you ever needed to fucking some reason to lose weight, you should watch yourself get your dick sucked. It's pretty sick. Yeah, it's awesome. Like, the whole point of getting your dick sucked is to see you getting your dick sucked.

All right, next up. He was also on the Ravens at the time. Wait, what? Like, the video was from his time as a Raven. Ravens, yeah. They were winning, what? Like the video from his time as a Raven. Raven is a ton of support there, yeah. And we're winning, right? Hey, Casey, Sean, big reader, big fan. Got a little would you rather sitting here in traffic.

Would you rather walk around for the rest of your life with one roller blade on your left foot and just a normal shoe on your right foot, roller blade on your left shoe, left foot, shoe on your right foot. Roller blade on your left shoe. Left foot. Or have a midget for the rest of your life walking in front of you just slightly slower than you want to go. He's also got a bad attitude.

So anytime you talk to him, he just gets all pissed off. But he's always just walking just slightly slower than you want to, always directly in front of you. So if that's what you'd rather, you said big fan fan, KFC, I thought this was a great idea. I'll be calling in with some more. Thanks. The, I want to talk to Sean, if we can track him down. Because that, honestly, that voicemail, the other ones are stupid, silly, just drunk things, whatever.

That set the tone for this entire franchise. Yeah. Like, I didn't know what it was going to be, and all of a sudden I was like oh it could be these like would you rather hypotheticals and that was so fucking original i've never seen that anywhere else you know like a lot of these questions you find on a reddit page or an old forum or something like that the duck-sized horses all that shit this was like i haven't i never heard of it before i've never heard of it since this is like it was one of the first questions we put on answer the internet when we did the card game. It still to this day is a good question that people are like,

what the fuck? Like, why rollerblades and midgets and all that shit? The first fucking episode. The key to it is the bad attitude. Yeah, he's got a bad attitude. He's also very unpleasant. Yeah, he's not a fun midget. Because you know what? You probably asked that question once to someone before, and they're like, ah, that'd be cool.

I'd have a little sidekick. He's like, all right, I've got to tweak it. He's got a bad attitude. Next person he asked, he had a bad attitude. So, Sean, I mean, I'm not going to go as far to be like, yeah, you get royalties or something, but I've got to thank you. I'll buy you a beer for setting this in motion. Like, who knows if he called in and was like, I've got a conspiracy theory for you.

Maybe that would have started much earlier. Maybe I would have done those. If he asked, like, a serious sports for you maybe that would have started much earlier maybe would have done those if he if he asked like a serious sports question maybe i would have done a sports show if he asked a question about tv i could have done that but it was like you know i did that once and i think people were like oh i got i got more of those or that's what it takes to get on the air i'll do that and like next thing you know we're talking about fucking your mom and your dad the uh i was gonna say oh by way, my answer is rollerblade for sure. One rollerblade for the rest of your life. I don't think it is for me.

I don't want a rollerblade. I don't want to sleep with a rollerblade. I don't want to shower with a rollerblade. That's what changed it. What changed it for me? It did seem like the spirit of the question was when you put shoes on, one's a rollerblade. Okay, because I was going to say, how do you even put pants on and off? You're stuck with a rollerblade. All right, you're going to say, how do you even put pants on and off when you're stuck with a roller blade?

You're going to go to every event forever with one roller blade on? You're going to get married with one roller blade on? You're going to go to funerals with one more roller blade on? You're going to do all that? I think it would be, if anything, I might start doing it. It seems to me...

You know what I need you to do? I need you to make good on both your promises. I need you to put on a dress, and I need you to put on a dress And I need you to roll around Okay I will put on a dress The moment I gotta get the dress Yeah In the moment

I said you buy it So yeah Go with the dress I'll fucking put it on Jackie get this man a dress Go to like Goodwill And get him a dress or some shit Or order him one

Whatever Get him like some Let's rent the runway Make it fucking nice Yeah Get him like a size Like 36 dress Or whatever Fucking let's put his

Fat ass in like One of those bandage dresses You know Huh Do I actually Be okay to do it Yeah of course You'd be okay to do it

Okay She's like Oh okay Not something Fucking slutty though I'm a fucking I'm a fucking nice lady Well

Would you like Something sexy Not slutty I'm thinking Something more Victorian I mean it all started With the Harry Styles thing Would you like something With? Not slutty. I'm thinking something more Victorian. I mean, it all started with the Harry Styles thing. Would you like something with more cleavage or shorter? Oh, yeah, pop those titties.

I would go. I think, like, the— Really, I'm really into Victorian stuff right now. I want to see that waist snatched. I want to see a fucking corset, bro. Yeah, fucking uncork me with a corset. Oh, my God. Let's do one more of the old school one.

Yeah, like the fucking bugger. If you get the young thug dress, I'm afraid. You know what I'm afraid of? When we do these things with Feidelberg, he works it. Anytime we've done this with the stupid hat or a stupid haircut, he's like, okay. It's like, fuck, it kind of works. I think the biggest one, my most upsetting one was like we went down to the Rat Family vacation. Yeah.

I came down and my dad out for a vacation. He's like, what the fuck? You look good. That's what I mean. It's the fashion dysmorphia, though, where it's like I I don't think you look good, and I don't think I look bad. I think it's just... I looked good as a dad. I don't think you did.

I think you just carry yourself that way so then you look good. I don't think anybody... It's Emperor's New Clothes. None of this looks good or bad. These are all just fucking pieces of material hanging on your body. None of this is real. That's just like a fucking muumuu. I can't have him in that.

We gotta be showing some skin. Yeah, it's definitely gonna be a little hotter than that. Let's do one more old school, and then we'll wrap't have him in that. We gotta be showing some skin. Yeah, it's definitely a little hotter than that. Let's do one more old school and then we'll wrap up with a new school. A little juxtaposition. One year versus nine years.

I thought you saw this one, but do you rather have dustpans for hands or sweat jam, like Smucker's Jelly? Sweat it out. Let me see it. Do you rather have what hands?

Dustpans. Dustpans. Exactly. Dustpans for the hands or sweat smuckers jelly this is another no brainer for me

sweat smuckers jelly no I sweat too much well actually I guess yeah cause like could you imagine me in the studio this past

the past few weeks yeah I do sound like no but literally imagine me I'm like looking like a swamp thing yeah

just purple jelly Coursing down my face Every time you're in bed and you're sweating Every time you're on the field and sweating Basketball sweating I say like I don't sweat But like I do sweat You'll have a coat

You'll just have a little coat of jelly on you at all times Yeah that's Nah can't happen Pit stains are jelly Can't happen You're fucking grunt Everything is fucking jelly man It's disgusting.

You want some girl down there and she's covered in jelly? Can't have it. But dustpans for hands is like you can't feed, you can't go to the bathroom, you can't shower, you can't do anything. You basically have no hands. This question is like sweat jelly or have no hands. I think everything you just listed isn't the most

important one. I would die in a day if I had dustpans for hands. I would die in, well, maybe not quite a day. What, for food? Like you just can't eat the most important one. I would die in a day if I had the dustpan in my hands. I would die in, well, maybe not quite a day. What, for food? Like you just can't eat? No, the second the door closes. I'm fucked. The second the door closes?

Any door. The moment I walk into a room, that's the last room I ever go in. You always have to be knocking. You have to hope someone is in there. I mean, I feel like. You probably get a pretty weak knock with a fucking dustpan. But you know what? You know what?

You'd always have these very rare moments. Like you're at the bar and someone knocks over a glass and it breaks. And they're like, yeah, dustpan guy. It's like having a tall guy who can reach the things up high. Don't worry. I got a dustpan guy. And they scoop it in. Like, hey, I'm the fucking star of the party.

I cleaned it up. That is very true. But, yeah, I think – so i think i i mean i guess i guess in that case i think everybody has to pick jelly and just be disgusting because you it's it's you can you could you might die from dustpan hands you're not gonna die from jelly yeah you just fucking we gotta clean your sheets every night oh god that's just so i'd rather die yeah you're right give me the dustp cans and let me fucking die For the last voicemail of the day we're going to play a new age one

You can see how they've Man it's crazy that there are two questions That made it all the way through until ATI Like that Good enough that they stood a decades worth Of like now that's still a fun one to do Let's do a new one and see how they compare Hey what's up guys

I just need you guys to get a pet peeve of mine out there that I need you to clear out for me to the rest of the world. I'm absolutely sick and tired of boneless tenders being called wings. I'm out at the bar with my buddies right now. We just left third bar. And this is the argument we've been having. I can't do this. I hate wings people I hate everything

all their complaints all their problems everybody roasted Nick Tarani because he didn't eat enough chicken I do the same thing I don't want to eat those fucking tumors and those bony

fatty you get a ligament that's like cracking I'll just fucking I'll just buy more wings I have a job people who eat like every last bit

and just leave like nothing but a clean ass bone freak me the fuck out I was gonna say this is such a white people thing right like black people just eat I feel like black people just eat the bones they just eat every fucking thing that's on there

if you don't clean it off you're getting roasted first of all I just like I could care less how much meat you do or do not eat of your meal you only took three bites of your sandwich. I don't fucking care. But like I eat the, I leave the tops on both of them. Yeah, 100% I leave the tops.

So gross. Like when you fucking, when you get like that crunch and you're like, what the fuck is this? I'm eating fucking chicken. The tumors, man. It's like. When you eat a tumor and you don't know what it is, some of it's chewy, some of it's crunchy. You're eating like bone marrow and shit. I'm like, no, no, no, no.

So I eat the middle of both of them. And then yeah, I get like a few more. Yeah. I guess what? I probably haven't finished the plate. No! Never! I have like four bites of wings.

That's why I said this the other day. When people go out for like wing night, people are like, I'll get 50 of them. I'm like, I'll just get eight. I just need like six wings. I'm good. My opinion of you is changing so much right now. Are you surprised?

Did you really think that we were like wing cleaner type? Look at us. It's really just like, are they super white? Then they don't eat the wings all the way. That's really what it is. And then you do the boneless thing. People get so upset about boneless. First of all, everything we just described, like you don't have to deal with bones.

I actually like bone full wings. I like to taste better, but I don't like all that other shit. So I understand that certain times there are certain situations where boneless is better, you know? Also, whether you call it a chicken finger, or a chicken tender, or a chicken nugget, or a chicken wing,

who fucking cares? Well, I don't care, but I actually, like, I don't really eat these much anymore, but... Popcorn chicken, it's on the same sheet. I usually... But no, you gotta know what to order on the menu. Like, if I ordered chicken wings, and I anymore, but... Popcorn chicken, it's on the same sheet. I usually... But no, but you gotta know what to order on the menu. Like, if I ordered chicken wings, and I wanted, like... Mm-hmm. And I thought I was getting, like, boneless...

If you ordered boneless wings, and, like, a chicken finger came out, you have a problem with that? Yeah, I would be disappointed. Because you want it to be what? Just because I don't like the mess. I don't eat wings. Chicken fingers is a mess? No.

I said, if you order boneless chicken wings, and chicken fingers come out, you have a problem with that? No. If you order boneless wings and chicken nuggets come out, you have a problem with that? I guess it was a boneless thing. As long as they say boneless, I'm fine. That's what I mean. So he's saying like boneless wings are not wings. It's like, I don't know.

They're buffalo. It's buffalo. That's what it means. You know what I mean? I don't care if it's shaped like a nugget. I don't care if. You know what I mean? I don't care if it's shaped like a nugget. I don't care if it's shaped like a strip. I don't care if it's shaped like a finger. I don't care if it's shaped like popcorn chicken.

The whole idea is there's no bone in it. And we're calling it a wing because it still has all the same flavors. It has the buffalo flavor or the barbecue flavor or the lemon pepper or the teriyaki or whatever the bone flavor, the wing's flavors are. So it's the same thing just with a lot less mess and a lot easier to eat the wing enthusiast saying it's not a wing i'm like all right you're technically right i understand one thing is literally a wing one thing is just a hunk of chicken yeah this one's the breast right so call chicken titty it's a chicken titty put that on your menus chicken titties

i remember at uh there was there was one time at hype lounge since we're doing throwback days hype lounge was this bar down on 14th Street where we used to watch football. That was like, couldn't decide whether they wanted to be a sports bar or like a lounge. And so we would watch football and then like the TVs would go into the wall and like the DJ would come out. And it was a weird scene. But one time they ordered wings and they were still connected. Do you remember that? No. It was like when you get a wing, technically, you know, it's like two things separate.

You have like the wing and the leg kind of whatever. And these things were like almost like everything was – you were getting like a big piece of like the wings. It was like half the chicken was still there or whatever. And it weirded me the fuck out. Yeah. Because I don't actually think about like I'm eating pieces of a chicken. You know what I mean? That's why sometimes the boneless, I'm just like, I don't know, just give me a hunk of chicken that tastes like.

Just give me something to chew on that tastes like buffalo. That's really what I want. I don't need it to be the legs and the wings and the bones and the this and the that. And then it's like people get upset about the label of it. Who fucking cares? Although, I mean, I guess if you want to get particular about it's not a wing fine okay so you're right i guess ultimately all right let's get into it with our interview bobby kelly is here uh massachusetts guy new york comic legend uh and today it's

brought to you by roman now bobby kelly he had sex when he was 10 years old i believe it is you'll find out in the interview at a staggeringly young age, he was active. And I can't even imagine how bad and bad I would have been when I was 10 years old, because I'm still struggling at it now at the age of 36. And so that's why I turned to Roman. They've got all the solutions you need to make sure that you perform your best and you have tip toptop sexual wellness, hygiene, and health. The best thing they've got, on top of the prescriptions, they've got medicine for hair growth, they've got medicine for ED, they've got all sorts of prescription-strength lotions for your skin and everything.

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You just open them up, rub them on, and get to rocking. It's GetRoman.com slash KFC and get your first month of swipes for just $5. It's Bobby Kelly, finally, on KFC Radio nine years later. Not to mention, people, I forgot that people just fucking walk into the street. Yeah. This is like a video like up where i live people use the the fucking crosswalk and the rules and shit right yeah so i'm used to that dude i almost murdered i mean motherfuckers just walk out on a phone with a backpack not looking

between cars yep i mean the same color as the car. And I'm just like, fuck. I almost killed a couple people coming down here. Sometimes I want to. I just didn't get dropped off in an Uber. He dropped me off in the middle of the road on the other side of the street. And I just got out hoping I'd get hit

to prove a point to him. That's not when you drop someone off, man. It's not the other drop someone off, man. Plus, I forgot about fucking being fat in the suburbs is way different than being fat in the city. No, let's start right there. We got Bobby Kelly in here, finally. Living legend came through. And as I brought him into the studio,

I said, thanks for coming into the city because so many of us got used to just staying in the burbs after Corona. But yeah, it's a different life for a big guy. Dude, being fat in the city because so many of us got used to just staying in the burbs after Corona. But yeah, it's a different life for a big guy. Dude, being fat in the city, like I had to wear certain shit and have like a hanky. Yeah, just always ready. Because it's like I just walked two blocks and I'm already fucked. Dude, you're actually lucky you came in.

Like we were supposed to have you last week. We ended up pushing it. We didn't have air conditioning in here for... Oh, it would have been a nightmare. I mean, we literally, before we did our last show, we just poured a bottle of water on our hands. We were pouring especially we started getting animated, started yelling and shit. And I was like we can't do this for the summer. I don't know

what we're going to do. You would have been fucking cucked, dude. This would have been like a 1986 wrestling interview. Right after my match. Fucking Hogan. Fucking I beat him. That would have been a nightmare, dude. I legit think Bobby would have turned around.

As soon as you walk in, you could feel it. I think you would have been like, nope. I'm at the sweat now, though. It doesn't stop. It's like an engine that turns on. And it doesn't fucking... It's like an engine that turns on. And it, like, doesn't fucking... It takes me a couple minutes. Oh, yeah.

Like, not even a couple... Like, probably 20 minutes of AC. You got to wipe the glisten. And then it comes again. And it, like, fades away. Like, it's bad. And walking over here now, dude, there's some crazy motherfuckers.

I almost cried. I'm not kidding. This fucking lady. She was walking down the street yelling into her phone. And I was like, oh, this crazy bitch. But as she got closer, it was like, you don't do that to my son. You leave my son alone. I got a kid, and I'm like, what's wrong with you?

I wanted to be like, look, dude, I got to go help this lady with the son. You know what I mean? Well, right around here man You know you got the garden Pretty close to Port Authority Penn Station Like Yeah

There's a lot of Oh Yeah That's the 90s right Yeah It's so bad here Right before the pandemic started Yeah

There was a walking dead Kind of like Viral advertising campaign Yeah Where like zombies And they had people dressed as zombies Like walking around And I didn't even blink at them You can't even even blink at them i just walked by people in full like professional

hollywood zombie costumes and didn't even realize it until i got to like the you know their home base where they were all supposed to be like oh fuck okay they should have just hired a bunch of them they should have hired the bumps they should have just been like here's five bucks walk around with a walk yeah like frank rey Frank Reynolds with the Hobovertising. Well, there's a certain pride, though, that when you look. Because I've lived in the city. You know, I grew up in Boston. So I've lived here probably half my life.

So there's a certain pride you get. Yeah. That callous you build up like a guitar player with those fucking. That you can walk by a dude. You can literally eat a sandwich while a dude's shitting between a Buick and a fucking hot dog. Step over a dead body. Yeah, like other people. Right, exactly. You can literally eat a sandwich while a dude's shitting between a Buick and a fucking hot deck. Step over a dead body. Yeah, like other people. Right, exactly.

You can step over. I saw a rat snatch a pigeon and drag it into a fucking bush. And you just heard rat, rat, and cracking. Oh, Jesus. You know what I mean? I was just sitting there eating a falafel sandwich. I was like, check that shit out. Like, if I saw that shit now I'd probably scream

I did it coming home The other night I got home We've been doing this stuff With the Bruins Islanders games And I was coming home From Long Island And I got home

I live like I don't know Down there And there was this Homeless guy Just passed out On my steps And I had to use

My stairs The handrails To sweep myself up And I just I just got over That guy And went home Went to bed out on my steps and I had to use my stairs I didn't say anything dad I I took 12 steps got home my girlfriend didn't you mention to her me and Billy Burr used to live on 97th and Lex I think in the late 90s and it was it was fucking crazy we used to have to do A laundry in the projects Oof

Yeah they had a laundry mat In the projects Yeah walk a couple few blocks Yeah a couple few blocks But I remember It was just We used to sit on the stoop I used to smoke

Get the The post Remember the Getting the paper My little shitty cup of Bodega coffee Yeah and the blue Fucking white

The blue right The Greek Yeah it's the Greek I'd have my cigarettes and I'd read the paper and there would be this homeless lady with just shit.

But she was so polite. She was like, yo, baby, I'm gonna clean it. And she would clean it. what else can you ask? She would bag it

like a dog. And she just wanted a little privacy underneath the stairs. Like a little. And she would take it with her. Just tie it up. There was no point.

I mean, really, what else? That's actually. If they all did that, it would be. I actually. It would be better. The other day, the first thing that ever kind of registered to me. Not ever, but lately. Was I was walking here.

And I'm going to gag a little bit, I think, telling the story. I apologize. It was, I was walking up 7th Ave, and there was, like, there was a clear pile of shit that was, like, kind of getting to be gone, and it just had a spoon in it. And I was just, like, staring at it, and I was like, what was the spoon used for? What was the spoon used for?

That's a magical Instagram story if you ask me. You could have got a fucking 10,000 views on that. That's why we started talking was because I've been here my whole life. And he's going to go puke. Go puke. Go ahead. Do you have kids? No.

He's not going to be able to puke. That'll go away. Yeah. Well, either that or you're just going to be pke. Go puke. Go ahead. Do you have kids? No. God, no. He's not going to be able to. That'll go away. Yeah. Well, either that or you're just going to be puking all the fucking time. Yeah, when you have a kid, dude, and you see a head come out of a vagina. Did you watch? I watched. I didn't watch. I stayed above the wall.

I wasn't supposed to watch. My wife told me, I don't want you watching, which I respect her. Yeah. Because she's from Everett, Mass. And she's like, I don't want you fucking down there, kid. So why did you end up down there? Stay clear of my fucking vag, dude. I don't get why.

Like, yeah, why would the girls want you to see it? Why would the guys want to see it? The fucking doctor. It was 3.15 in the morning, and nobody was there. And there was a really nice lady that kept coming in, and then this really just twat. I mean, the fucking personality of a flip-flop. And the doctor came in, and it was me and the doctor

and this flip-flop fucking asshole. And my wife literally was, the doctor went, it's time. And my wife went, I don't want her here. Yeah. I mean, it's bad enough to deal with assholes, let alone when you're doing, like, the hardest thing in the fucking world to do. You know what I mean? Like, get the hell out of here. It's bad enough to deal with assholes, let alone when you're doing the hardest thing in the fucking world to do. Get the hell out of here.

Most people would be a people pleaser. You don't have that. It's like you wouldn't get delivery if they fuck up. It's okay. I don't want her here. The flip-flop just went okay and walked out because she's a flip-flop. The doctor went, I need your help.

I was like, dude, I went to community college at Bunker Hill for fine art. I throw up. I'll throw up at my shit. I'm going to puke. And I remember when it came out, my kid had hair. So her hair and his hair. So it just looked like this hair monster. I did.

And then, and I do have a joke in my act about it, but she did, she shit. Like a nugget came and I, I love you, honey. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to help other fucking husbands to know that. Get ready. I'm fucking, we're here. So what? And then the worst time, we used to play.

You have a kid, right? How many kids do you have? You got two. So you've been through this. When they shit, when they first come out, right? Yeah. So we used to play shit roulette. So we would change every time who had to change.

So whoever got the shit, you lost, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got pee five times in a row. Oh. So I'm like, I'm getting shit. So we take the thing off, and I open it. It's pee. I'm like, woo!

Right then, he projectile vomited some fucking, bleh. I don't know what it was. And then diarrhea just shot out of his asshole. I mean, like a fountain. And then I went, oh! And he pissed, and it went in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more.

My wife was laughing so hard. Because you know your vag is fucked up after you get it dead, right? She pissed her pants. She pissed right on the floor. Fucking. It was the worst moment, though. Why does anyone have children? There's literally pissing in mouths.

I'm out of this interview. I'm going to give a sex. I'll fucking get you guys. He always says that. I'll tell a relatively harmless story, but it's just about how expensive they are, how hard it is, how much you don't sleep. He's like, why do people have kids? Now we're talking about pissing in mouths and pissing on floors. And you willingly chose this.

It's crazy. One time my daughter was in her – so she was like a little bit older. I don't know. She was probably two. I'm never good at remembering the ages. But she was old enough to be doing like a dance class but still a baby, right? But she's in her tights and her tutu and all that, and she shits her pants. She shits herself.

She shits her tutu. And so now it's like a one piece mixed with the tights you know so it's not an easy situation glitter everywhere it was so and she must have like just been out of diapers so it wasn't even about changing her diaper it was like and i remember like getting her out of it and then i was like pulling the tights and it like it like slingshotted the shit because i was like pulling it and it was too tight and then i finally got it off and it like slingshotted the shit because I was like pulling it, and it was too tight, and then I finally got it off,

and it just went, and it fucking went flying, and I was gagging. It was a whole scene, man. My kid's got like, he's backed up all the time. My son's that way. Yeah, I mean,

when he first was a baby, I'm such a psycho, I just YouTubed, and there was like some grainy Russian video. I'm not getting this shit. Bend baby over. And they literally have this baby there. I've seen it, yeah.

His head and pushing it. So I'm sitting there with my kid. And then I talk to my doctor. He's like, no, you could have murdered your baby. Like, don't go to YouTube anymore. Like, I could have just snapped his fucking neck. Could you imagine if I just had my... I'm trying to get into could have just snapped his fucking neck. Could you imagine if I just... I'm trying to get into poop and you broke his fucking neck. Just at the guest room

at my mother's house in Marblehead, just snap my own... You know what I mean? I had to walk out with just my kid. What happened? He wouldn't shit. And I snapped his neck. Why? It just happens. That's also not fair, though, for the doctor to be like, don't do that.

Like, well, I don't know know man Like you made me help deliver him I figured I could figure it out on my own I'm a doctor now I brought this kid in My kid though There's something with shit Where they don't like The longer they wait

The bigger it gets Yeah Right so Naturally So my kid is shit Like a shit Like Like an adult male shit

Like a football It's not even adult It's like a fucking animal Like Like a boot Like an adult male shit It's not even an adult It's like a fucking animal Like a boot Like it's like So I invented And I want to go to Shark Tank A shit knife

Because you can't You have to cut it Like a fucking You know Brazilian Chescaria fucking steak Wait what? Because it doesn't go down Oh so we're talking in the toilet.

We're not doing diapers anymore. Now, I have to either wait, like let it fucking dissolve, and then it smells like a pond in the fucking bathroom. We all have to piss on it every day. Or you cut it up like a filet, right? So I invented. I can't believe you were laughing. I was waiting for it.

I have, I swear to God, in my fucking utility closet, I have metal coat hangers that I've invented this knife. It's a handle and it cuts the shit. So it's like long enough that you can get in there? You can get in there and you can cut the shit up. But I want to go to Shark Tank and invent the shit knife. So wait, wait, so the coat hanger unraveled. What kind of knife did you?

You bend it. No, you bend the coat hanger. Oh, got it, got it, got it. The coat hanger's the knife. It is the knife, I see. So you bend it. You got a nice handle. The hook, if you bend that, becomes a little sharp.

Shink, shink, shink. So you can slice it up. And then it goes down. And then you just throw the coat hanger out. He sounds like me. Dude, I'm telling you, have a kid. That all goes away. That's so...

You know how much a plumber costs at 3 in the morning? Fucking $3.50. All right? That's just for him to show up. This reminds me of me back in the day. I'm telling you. I used to be the same way. You used to have that?

You were gagging? I used to be the same way until I had a kid. Yeah, eventually you just... The callous, man. It's the fatherhood callous. There's no way out of it. I'm telling you. I used to be the same way. You were gagging? I used to be the same way until I had a kid. Yeah, eventually you just... The callous, man. It's the fatherhood callous. There's no way out of it. No. I mean, if you're going to just do that every single time your kid shits, it's going to be a problem. It's just shit. Your whole life becomes

shit. And you know what? Yeah, it's not even like the deal... I don't mind the dealing with it. I mean, of course, that's gross. I hate the talking. You and the mother Or your wife It's all you guys talk about You know It's like

You get home Oh when was he shit When was he shit How big was it What color was it When's the last time he did When do you expect He's gonna do it again

Tell me what went wrong Tell me what It's like all we do Is talk about fucking poop man Poop and shit It is a big part A big part of life And that's why I fucking

Like I Like I talk You ever talk to a kid And they're not grateful They're grateful for whatever guidance or a roof over the head it's like listen to me man who man you you shit like a human because two humans spent four years of their lives teaching you. Dealing with your shit. You pissed in my mouth, man. Yeah, you pissed. I don't know if I can say that to him. I'd get fucking arrested.

It is. But here's another thing you don't even add in the equation. You drive. Have you driven? This is the worst. Because now they're strapped in like fucking NASCAR drivers, right? And they're on an iPad.

And the fucking road's spinning by. And this thing's going like this because they're watching fucking Preston on fucking YouTube. And then boom. Dude. We have a system

in the back. We have a bag with a system. We've done it. We've cleaned this kid up like NASCAR. It's just like a pit crew. Dude, we got it down to under five minutes. This kid was in the backseat. We had to drop our dogs

off to this crazy brought up in the middle of the Catskills because we had no choice. We had no dog sitter. We were going to Aruba and this is, I'll watch him. And we just said, fuck it, take him. What are you going to do, right? We had to go pick her up and on the way back, this kid just

and you're like, please don't do it. Max, you're good. You're good. And then he goes, I'm okay. And then it just comes out and it's fucking this guy. Pukes. I think puke is worse than shit.

It can be worse. Because it gets into nuggets and crevices. Some of it's liquid, Some of it's solid. It's bile. I love when they come running to me like, I'm going to throw up. Well, don't tell me. I can't stop. Go to the fucking toilet.

Get out of here. Just grab their head and fucking aim it. Man, I remember when my son was it. Actually, it was my daughter. But I'll say it's my son just because I feel worse for her when she gets older. And I told the story about a girl. But he was so sick, and he was so raw from shitting and wiping and everything. So I couldn't even put diapers on him anymore.

His skin was so fucked up. So I just laid him down on – I had like pee pads from when I was training the dog. And I just laid him on that. He was napping, and he was just shitting. And I just watched it come out, and I would just move the sheet and put another one in. That's another invention, dude. How'd you go with the shit knife?

It was like when you're at the doctor, and they have the paper on the... And they just pull another one and cut it, pull another one and cut it. It was just like that, but for shit. Oh, it's the worst. The shit knife and the shit pad. We're going into business, Bobby Kelly.

Because what happens with the shit knife and the shit pad. We're going into business, Bobby Kelly. Because what happens with the shit and this is fucked up, their assholes get redder and redder and then they get shaved and when they get shaved, dude, you can't touch

their assholes. And you can't really wipe. You can't wipe because the baby wipes, the baby wipes, it's a fucking nightmare. It really is. And it's just,

their assholes look like somebody shot it with a shotgun. And then you have to clean itholes look like somebody shot it. A little shotgun. And then you have to clean it like you're restoring a painting from the 16th century. Just like, you know what I mean? And it's, nobody understands this fucking nightmare that we go through. They don't tell you that. It's fucked.

They tell you like you're not going to sleep. And that's true. You're not. And that's fucking bad. You go delirious. You're crazy. They don't tell you you're not going to sleep. And that's true. You're not. And that's fucking bad. You go delirious. You're crazy. They don't tell you about the 16th century painting. That's why it bugs me that they tell you to get your sleep.

Yeah, but that matters. I'm going to stack it. I'm going to bank it. Fuck you. They should just, dude, become a Navy SEAL. Yeah, right. Don't blow. Don't get your fucking sleep.

Get ready with no sleep. Stay up for 48 hours Just staring at a fucking wall That's what you should learn to do Don't take naps Because when you bring that Fucking thing home When that little baby comes home

But it's the best thing in the world I don't believe you Listen I'll tell you It's parallel It's the Listen I was at my kid's

Little league game the other day And he's up at the fucking Tap in the bat That's when it gets cool The problem is early on Yeah Especially really early When they're not even They can't talk his Little League game the other day, and he's up at the fucking tap on the bat. That's when it gets cool. The problem is early on, especially really early, when they can't talk, when they're really young, it's just all negative.

Yeah, you get the cuddle and you smile. But when they can finally give back a little bit, you take them to the game for the first time, you're doing stuff together. But in the beginning, it's just like, you take my money, you take my fun, you shit all over me. You took my wife, too.

I haven't seen her in a fucking week and a half. You know what I mean? Me and my ding-ding haven't seen her in a fucking week and a half. Week and a half? Shit, you'd be lucky, brother. Wow, I was fucking saying that

just to see where you're at. Because if you think about it, I hate those guys. I was divorced because it was way longer than a week and a half. Okay, man? We have sex. I hate those guys I was divorced because it was way longer than a week and a half We have sex I hate those guys

The guys who claim that they still fuck their wives What a bunch of Bullshit that is You're going to tell me you have sex with your wife Once a week Twice a week Every day Fuck you

Get lost I want to start a company that investigates those cocksuckers I just want to fucking catch you lying I want to catch you

we still have sex three or four times go fuck yourself you're like a reverse private investigator yeah like friends

are hiring this guy he's definitely cheating or something right no he's having sex make sure he's fucking his wife. There's no way. There's no way.

A private investigator to prove that someone's faithful. Or, you know what? It's either like, I don't know what's weirder. The fact that we're sitting here, a bunch of the guys, and you feel like you have to lie to me about your sex life. Or the fact that you actually, if you are having sex with your wife four times a week, what the fuck is that about?

Who does that? Who wants to have sex with their wife? Come on. No. That's fucking ridiculous. Not unless you fucking faced other ways. She's faced that way. I'm faced as an iPad.

She doesn't want to fuck you. Come on. I'm on clitty.com over on this side typing in kidnapping. And she's over there. She's over there. Oh, man. Yeah. I hate that they make us feel guilty about that, though.

It's like, look, you don't bang your wife, okay? It doesn't mean you don't love your wife. I love my wife. I love being with her. We will fuck. You know what I mean? We will do it. It's like he's trying to convince me right now.

All right, Bobby. No, no, I'm serious. We will. We will. We will do it. He's trying to convince me right now. All right, Bobby. No, no, I'm serious. We will. We will. We will. Dude, we will. Fuck. It's just when we, it's like, it's more like, you know, do you want a barbecue?

Yeah, barbecue tonight. Great. It's not like I'm going to grab. I don't have time to grab her, make her hair into a handle, and fucking, you know, we don't kiss anymore. I got a fucking tooth missing. It's like. I wouldn't want to fucking be there, Bobby.

I don't blame her. You know what I mean? I mean, she looks like an X-Men with her fucking roots growing out. It's just not where you're at anymore. I did all my banging. I did banging. I started banging at 10, for God's sakes. I banged Tawny at fucking 10 in a bush.

10? You kidding me? 10? What was it really? 10? 10. Holy shit. You're fucked up, Bobby Kelly.

10? No, no. I'm not making shit up. Let me see. 10 is like third grade. Was it third grade? No, 10 is like fourth grade. No, 10 is old.

12 is sixth grade. I think I was in sixth grade. In sixth grade. I think I was in sixth grade. No, no. In sixth grade. No, 12 is sixth grade. I know this like four or five.

Then maybe it was 12. No, it had to be like 11. Yeah. Because at 13 I was in jail For the first time I was in juvie jail That makes sense

Start fucking when you're 10 You're in jail by 12 That's a natural progression Jesus 10 I don't even know When my dick got hard Oh dude I didn't either Fucking Christ

I had no idea either My friend Dickie and Scott Were in the bushes Of course Going like this Going Of course Like this How old was she? She was 14, 15 She was old

She was older I thought I fell in love I had to break up with her Because Dickie wound up fucking her in front of the rectory It's like my grandmother works there You fucking asshole You fucked her in front of the rectory. It's like, my grandmother works there, you fucking asshole. He fucked her in front of where the priest lives. This is the most Medford story ever. Dickie and Tawny in front of the rectory.

I remember I was so sad that I felt, because I was in love with her. I was so sad that I, I don't know, because Dickie, you know guys, we have guy code. So he's like, dude, we're going to talk to you. Him and Scott took me to like some fort that we made. He's like, we'll let you know, dude. I love you.

I was like, I love you too, dude. He's like, I, I fucked, I fucked her. I fucked her. I'm like, who? Your girl. I'm like, where? I just want to let you know she's a pig. I'm like, fuck, man.

Yeah. It's like, fuck you, Dickie. You're not the pig, Dickie. You're the kid asshole. Not her. She wouldn't have been a pig if you didn, fuck you, dickhead. You're not the pig, dickhead. You're the asshole. It's not her. She wouldn't have been a pig if you didn't fuck her, man. I love how these conversations are taking place. They usually take place in bars.

This is a fort with a no girls allowed sign on it. On the playground on the swings. I remember I went down to where she lives and I had a necklace. I stole a necklace from my sister. That's what I used to do. I used to steal stuff from my mom and my sister and give it to her. Lucy Pepe got one for her birthday.

But I got the necklace. I climbed the tree. I gotta go back to this tree because I carved our names in it. And I went and I put a circle around with a slash through it. The Ghostbusters? And I threw the necklace at her. But she was my first one. Were you dramatic? The Ghostbusters. And I threw the necklace at her. She was down.

But she was my first one. Very dramatic. I was very dramatic. I was an actor back then. I had the thespian in me. But I remember she told me, she goes, you don't want to. I put my Dunlop windbreaker down. Remember when windbreakers?

There was a point where windbreakers were like, it was like a new technology. That was technology in the 80s. Right? Windbreakers There was a point Where windbreakers Were like It was like a new technology That was technology In the 80s Right Windbreakers Right And this thing came out With the little kangaroo pocket Yep

And it said Dunlop Which was some fucking Fact You know Some tech company Whatever the fuck Tires And I had my mother

You take care of that This is You know I was like So I lied it down She's like You don't want to do that And I'm like

Why She's like Because I'm a spitter And I go I don't know what that is At fucking 13 At 14 14, 15 14, 15 And then at the end

Let's just say at the end of it I had to throw it out Because there was just stuff And I remember I threw it in the Mystic River I was trying to wash it off And then it slipped out of my hand and just got fucking taken away. That is the single most symbolic

thing I've ever seen. Your innocence just got fucking... Your Dunlop windbreaker was any shot you had at a normal childhood just going down the Mystic River. That should have been the fucking movie. Jesus Christ. I'm so glad.

People bitch about where we are as society Christ. I'm so glad. Like, people bitch about where we are as society, you know, like that we're. Yeah. But I'm so glad that my kid doesn't. He's not going to do that? No, he's eight. That'd be like in two years he's banging. I mean, my kid doesn't even know what sex is. He doesn't know.

He doesn't know any of the shit that we knew at that age. He has no clue. Well, I don't know. I feel like they're doing shit younger and younger. I just think it's a Medford clue. I don't know. I feel like they're doing shit younger and younger. I just think it's a Medford thing. I don't know. It might be a Medford thing. But your point stands so that you were fucking from

10 to 40 or whatever. That's a good run. You don't need to do that. Think about it. Everything else you do when you're young, you stop. You don't play sports anymore. You stop drinking party as much as you do. So then young, you stop, you know? You don't play sports anymore. You stop, you know, drinking party as much as you do. So then you should also stop fucking. No, I've been sober since I was 15.

Yeah, that's crazy. I got sober at 15. Did you ever think maybe you were just 15? Like, you haven't had a beer since? I've never had a beer. I haven't even had a, like, a scotch. Like, I haven't had alcohol with ice. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that guy shit. Yeah, right. Because I'm a member of a cigar bar. Everybody always has that little bourbon with the ice and the ball. I was five years sober before I was legally able to drink. We used to do a show with Asakira. And she's the same.

She's a New York City kid. And New York City kids just start doing everything. She was doing ketamine at like 14. Right. And she's like, yeah, I've been sober since I was 18 or 17, whatever age she was. Except for like she's not because like once a year she just has like a binge. She just does every drug. Oh, if I did that, I'd fucking be in jail.

I'd be fucking, my family would be gone. So wait, at 15 but I guess, so I was gonna ask her, you know, how could you know? But you know, you went to jail. You went to juvie. So like some shit had gone really wrong. It was just. Because I feel like at 15? Yeah. But I guess, so I was going to ask, how could you know? But you went to jail, you went to juvie, so some shit had gone really wrong. It was just- Because I feel like at 15, you don't necessarily know. It's funny, because you don't, I mean, look, here's the deal.

You're right. I could, yeah, maybe I was 15, right? By the way, I'm not trying to convince you to come back. Yeah, so pour out the shots. I'm going to leave here. My life falls apart. I'm fucking just fucking on a windbreaker out in the fucking shitting in the street eating it with a spoon fucking everything's clean it up

don't worry the last day of my life right here this is the most epic podcast ever there's a fucking documentary on netflix about it just fucking dude i was listening to you on your podcast say uh you he said when i come on your, that's when you know it's over for you. So that would be very apropos. You come on this show and you end your fucking life. Oh, I am. Dude, any festival. If Bobby Kelly's on the fucking poster, your festival's over.

If the festival's over, the swag. You know when you do something, the swag is the shit. Like you show up and the swag. The festivals used to give away fucking computers. I mean, I remember comics being like, dude, I got a computer. They gave away fucking laptops this year. And then they gave away triple fats one year at Just for Laughs. It had just the logo.

I show up, I got a fucking baseball hat with the little metal thing in the back. I mean, that's all they gave you. And a joke book. It's like, what the fuck? Aspen. Aspen. I showed up. They gave you mittens. The year before, you got puffy coats. You got triple facts. Like fucking Canadian. Real deal. Real shit. With fucking

Aspen Comedy Fest. I show up. You got mittens. And I didn't even get my mittens. I had to go to the place and be like, can I have mittens? I don't know if we have any more. And I had another comic. A grown man asking for his mittens is the most emasculating shit. Excuse me, can I have my mittens, please? Fucking Christ.

No, okay, so you're drinking at 10, you're fucking at 12, you're in jail at 15. Yeah. And you just knew I can't It's like you're done It's like cigarettes I quit cigarettes 10 years ago I woke up I had 5 cartons

I just did South Carolina I would play South Carolina once a year Just to load up on fucking tobacco Come back like Smokey and the Bandit Just fucking load it up And I woke up one morning And I'm like I'm done on fucking tobacco. Come back like Smokey and the Bandit, just fucking loaded up. And I woke up one morning, and I'm like, I'm done.

And I gave all my cigarettes to Jota Roaser and Dan Soda, and they were like hyenas. Just, I'm sure. Oh, yeah, it was $15 a pack or $14 a pack. So I gave them hundreds of dollars worth of cigarettes, and I just quit.

I'm done, and I haven't smoked since. I mean, it's a tough industry to be in all your whole life with no booze worth of cigarettes. And I just quit. I'm done. And I haven't smoked since. I mean, it's a tough industry to be in all this, your whole life with no booze and no cigarettes. Not really. None of my friends fuck around with that shit. I feel like most comics eventually go sober, right? Or die. So it should be the daddy is sober.

Eventually, no. One of my great friends is Ari Shafir. No. Yeah, well Yeah yeah yeah That's hard It's like I have to set rules Let me like rephrase Like most humans

I mean Ari's on a fucking other planet I feel like you know In the beginning you're like drinking And raging and going crazy And then eventually Hopefully I don't know But Yeah Ari's on another fucking

Yeah dude I was drinking I would half a sip a pint of Peppermint schnapps at 13 So it was like You know what I mean I mean I would half a sip a pint of peppermint schnapps at 13. So it was like, you know what I mean? I mean, I would just literally one sip, half of it, and then nurse the rest. And then go to class. Fuck your class. Go learn cursing.

Recess. I remember class walking in to Miss Irving, and she said something to me, and I went, go fuck yourself. It was seventh grade, and I was like, go fuck yourself. And I just walked out, and then just got arrested. Like you said, when you're done, you're done. I remember sleeping in a park. I would just curl up.

It was nice. It was like summertime, sleep on a bench. It was nice. What are you talking about? You're an alcoholic teenager sleeping in borderline homeless. It was nice. Yeah, it was. It's a romantic lifestyle.

I get it. I get it. It's like Tom Sawyer-esque. It's a romantic lifestyle. I get it. I get it. It's like Tom Sawyer-esque. It's a little something. Just you in the wilderness. Uncle Barry Finn over here. Unbelievable, man. I just can't imagine.

But here's the thing, and I don't know if you'd do it. I fucking hate. Like, our generation grew up with, we're fucked. You know, we're just fucked. We're mentally just. Oh, yeah. We're depressed. Yeah. Because we were fucked. We just, fucked. We're mentally just... We're depressed. Because we were fucked. Our parents didn't give a fuck.

They just let us do... We climb roofs. We jump fences. We fucking threw rocks at each other. We fucking beat each other up. We fought. We drank. We drugged.

We partied. And they never watched us. You go to a park. At my age, there's no parents at a park. It's like in the summer, they had one douchebag that would just stand there with an orange shirt, the park lead guy,

and we'd tell him to fuck off. All the shit was metal. It was just all death. You know what I mean? There was a river that kids would just jump in and fucking almost die. Now, you go to a park and there's parents, drop that, get off that, don't do this, leave each other alone, be nice.

I mean, so they're growing up with anxiety because they're not doing anything. They're not climbing the roof of the church and climbing up to the steeple and fucking smoking a cigarette. You need a healthy balance of those two things. That's what the hard part is. I'm trying to bring my son up.

I want him to be tough, but I don't want him to be an asshole. I don't want him to be fucking mental like me because I still go to therapy once a week for the last fucking 55 years, whatever the fuck. It's nuts, right? So I don't want him to be mental, but I don't want him to be like he got pushed down and the

kid pushed him and he went down on the ground. He just curled up. Yeah. Oh, he was waiting. And they're like, hey, everybody. Hey, Max. I go, get away. Get up.

Right. And they're like, what? I go, get up. He's like, Max, get up. Someone pushes you. Get up right away if you can and get in their face. Don't hit them, but just say, don't touch me. And that's the only chance they get.

It's like I don't want my kid to lie on me. Because I feel like that's what all kids are doing. They just lie there going, help me, I feel bad. My kid will cry about like, you know, the other day he was like, my knee hurts. And I tell him like, look, there's nothing. There's no scuff or anything. And I saw him. He looked and he realized there was nothing on his knee. But he was like, but it still hurts.

But in his head he was like, fuck, there's nothing on my knee. Come on, man. Come on. Please. Shake him out of this fucking victim. So you see how this cycle goes, right? It's like you were fucking climbing houses, right? Then this next generation is is

like too coddled and now the next one is like my my dad fucking screamed at me every time i tripped over and fell so now right you know it's none of this is healthy bobby well i don't yell at him i don't yell at him i don't yell i try not to yell i never hit my kid you hit your kids i don't hit my kids i was just like yeah well i know people i know people who do no i don't i don't i guess i don't it's funny i until i had kids that's always kind of a debate and i never really judged it i was like i don't know some people spank their kids i don't think i guess no judgment but i could never be like and be like oh this is okay i just i can't believe that there's no reason in practice well because it's just easier, dude. To use violence in Jesus just made it, it's just quicker.

I talk to my kid. We have conversations. When I raise my voice, he'll literally say, Dad, you're overacting or you're getting too angry. And I'll be like, all right, cool, you're right. I don't want that with him. But if you could just grab him and go... You know what I mean?

Like fear. There's no fear. The other day I kind of came... If you do anything bad, I'm going to smack you, and then you can live eternally in hell? Yeah, Jesus hates you. Jesus hates you. You know what's waiting for you at the end?

Eternal damnation. Jesus' cousin was Santa Claus. You're dead. You're dead. You're done. You're getting shit. Lugats. You know what I mean? You're getting fucking nothing.

We have it so harder now, dude. Yeah. I also worry about like I want to give them nice shit and a nice life, but I don't want to be spoiled. You know what I mean? It's like how do you manage that? I'm divorced, so when I see my kids, I'm always doing something special with them, you know what I mean?

And it's gotten to the point where they expect every single time I'm with them that they're going to go get a toy or go somewhere. Can we go to the toy store? Can we go to the, I'm like, no, it's not every fucking time. That's good, though. Yeah, I mean, it's not fucking Christmas every time you see me. Yeah, that's good. But yeah, it's like I'm trying to figure out that balance.

You have a boy, right? A boy and a girl. Okay, so here's the problem I'm running into. Is that when I had the boy eight years ago, I was very excited to have a boy. Because I got to teach him my moves, like my things. You know what I mean? I got to teach him my values. Bob had some moves.

Well, that's the thing. I can't. All my moves. This is got some moves. At eight years old. This is the shocker. You want to choke him a little bit, but not too much. That's the problem. All my moves are assault now. My move back in the day was take your dick out. That was my move. That was legal in the 80s and 90s.

You could just take it out and make it look as cute and fun as possible for them to go, I'll got you. That's how I got his mom. I swear to God, she hates when I talk about this, but on our first date, I just took it out. And she was like, no. And I was like, come on. And she was like, no. And I was like, come on. And she was like, all right. You convinced me.

She has a house, a Bernadoodle. She has a fucking backyard. I just bought her a tiny home in New Hampshire. All because you said, all right, I'll put it in. That sounds good, yeah. That was legal until like the, I'm trying to think of the episode of How I Met Your Mother, but that was like the whole thing. The Naked Man.

Naked Man. And then there was also an episode of Seinfeld where Costanza, where he was like, is it just clothes are the only thing separating us from sex? Or maybe that wasn't the Naked Man. I feel like I can see Costanza saying it too. Yeah, no, I think it was all allowed. I'm watching a lot of these old movies now, even like Grease. You look at Grereece he's trying to grab a titty in the thing and uh you know they're banging they're all banging i mean

they're all banging each other he switched up dance partners in the middle of the fucking thing and sandy had to take him take it easy i got this puerto rican chick that's fucking knows the salsa get out of here little fucking waif right i mean now i don't understand like now i don't even know what to do like when he's older well that's the thing i don't even think uh you you we can teach them because what what my what i'm gonna think is probably gonna be frowned upon you know what mean? Like some of the wisdom I can impart people, they're like, dad, you can't do that anymore. That'll put you in fucking. I love that guys invented it, though, because it's a baseball thing.

It's first, second, third and home. Yeah. So, you know, some dad was just like, what do you want to do? You first want to go to first. Grab a little. What is it? Titty. Right.

No, it was make it out. For me, it was making out. Make it out. Second was feelingitty. Right? Right? No, it was making out. Making out first. For me, it was making out. Making out. Second was titty. It was feeling up. Third. Third. See, third.

No, second was just all hand stuff. I thought like fingering and hand job was second too. No, first for me was making out. Right. Second was titty. Yeah. Third was finger popping. Right.

And that's where blowjobs. Yeah, blowjobs get lost in the mix. So what I learned, second What I learned Me was making out Second base was Tits and over the hand Over the pants Like handjobs Sloppy second

They called it Was I think fingering And like full blown handjobs Third base was oral Home Sex So there's that sloppy second thing For me where it was like

That made sense We just went We just added a base Pretty much Really it is whoever made it. It's a four base system we needed five things. Turns out like how we create human beings is a little more

complicated than a four step process. We're going to have to add a fifth. Really, making out probably just shouldn't be on the list. Oh why? Making out is my favorite. Why is it not now? Making out is my favorite. It's the weirdest thing when you think about it What a strange ritual

Now at 45 You're missing a tooth 45 and up Just fucking smells like mushrooms It's like mustard It's always some scent She was on the phone too long Her mouth is dry

My breath, i feel bad for her yeah yeah no back when i was young man making out with my shit oh my god just suck were you a hickey guy no i fucking hated like how did why do hickeys you know though i feel like they're always in the movies the tv shows but like who's actually giving or getting the hickeys uh i would i would see you'd see them occasionally. There'd always be somebody show up to school with a fucking...

It's like they got punched in the neck. In a high school with a baseball team. What are you doing? Yeah? What, you sneak up to each other?

You sneak up behind someone and just suck their dick. Oh, you literally did? Yeah. Your school was so fucking weird, man. Your school was so fucking weird. I don't understand what happened. He went to boarding school.

It's the stories he has, man. With guys? You just sneak up. You wouldn't get like, but you sneak up behind him here and you just suck it like a vampire.

I'm sorry, wait a second. You said you would and then you said the pronoun he, right? Am I working with the right pronouns here? It was. Show me.

Show me how you do it. Kevin, I'll give you a hickey right now. Do it fucking right now. Please do it. Do it fucking right now. Show me your dude fucking right now. Please do it. Dude fucking right now. Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

I didn't get it good there. Dude, that sound. That ain't good. I didn't get a noise. It was right in my ear. That actually did something to me. I think I'm on another genre. Forget about kidnapping

That little sound Baseball team hickey Tonight on Pornhub It wasn't that it happened a lot But it was occasional I mean enough Just sneak up on someone In the lunch hall

Sneak up over and Suck somebody off at night Is that a game you guys played? What a great prank Who can make who come quicker? I win, I win. I win. Wow.

You sneak into kids' dorms and just start tucking their toes. That's great, dude. I'm going to school the next day, fucking broken nose. Look what happened. I suck at Bobby's foot last night. He woke up. What a fucking great school. What a fucking weird place, man.

I kind of did get you a little bit, actually. Yeah, I felt that. I felt a little something there. Yeah, hickeys are... You know why girls did hickeys? To kind of claim you, or to say... Yeah. It was that weird thing to make sure you weren't fucking around.

Was it girls who gave guys, or guys who gave guys? I always thought it was, I think, guys to girls. I've seen it both ways. I always had girls mostly give it to guys. Yeah. Yeah, because they're always trying to do something to avoid blowing you. You know what I mean? I'll just keep sucking on your neck.

Suck at Adam's apple. Or they suck on your tongue, right? That was the test. When you make out, if you put your tongue out, and then they started doing that, you're like, oh, this is good. This is a good song. It was a really good, but it was a very instinctual way to work out where we're going. So your make out kind of sets off.

Yeah. If you stop, and it's like, you're like, all right, but if this chick is sucking your tongue and you're sucking her eyeball, you guys are fucked. You're banging. Yeah. Like this, you guys are down. Tongues and ears and nostrils and shit. Yeah.

It's called, it's happening. The unspoken word So kissing kind of Sets that all off Yes And then Kissing was the original consent You're right

Wow you should get that On a fucking shirt Shit You know now Now you gotta do paperwork And check boxes and shit It used to be like If there's some

That was good If there's some spit Flowing around You want it Well because you make out You make out You make out And then You graze a titty.

Yeah. And if she went, it's like when a girl's playing with a guy's asshole. If he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But if he goes, oh, God. And just gets on all fours and spreads his asshole open. He goes, yeah, eat my pussy. Then you know that he's gay. Dude, I know a guy who, when he's getting ahead,

and the girl starts to kind of go underneath, he just grabs his legs and he just slowly starts to roll. You know two now. Now you know two. Now you know fucking two. Oh, man. God damn it. You are a funny motherfucker, Bobby.

You are a funny motherfucker. They call me Sissy Boy Kelly in Jimenaha. Oh, my God. Shit. To think this all started because you were just telling a story about coming back to the city. The original conversation was just how coronavirus kept us out of the city for a little while. Now we're at sissy boy Kelly getting his pussy eaten. Oh, fuck me, dude.

Shit. That callous you did talk about, though. And the reason why we really first started talking was because I felt like such a pussy the way these homeless guys have been bullying me around. Because I had this New York City my whole life. And so I'm not giving anybody money or stepping over the homeless people when I'm off, get out of my way. And then the past two weeks, I'm buying them pineapple soda and everything bagels because they're just fucking running up on me. The funniest part about it is the humanity. Just you.

All of it faded away. When you said thank you. Dude, I watched it 75 times. I kept on rewinding because you were just like, thanks. I gave him the fucking soda and I said thank you. You immediately know. You knew you were a fucking idiot for saying thanks like this. No.

We came out like this guy pimped you so much. He pimped you. Thank you. He fucking pimped you. He really did. That's like a chick going, here's my money. Thanks, baby. You went.

You, dude, I was laughing so hard. And the best part is that you knew it. The fact that you acknowledged it immediately. I said, thanks. Why did I say fucking thanks? I'm not fucking thanking you. I'll forever be awkward, man. It's so funny, dude.

Maybe I did get a little soft when I was up in the burbs for a fucking year straight. I don't know. I was in and out enough. We were just saying, people say, when did you guys start going back to work? And we said July. And they go, oh, so you're just opening up in July? I don't know. We went back a year ago.

We started a long time ago. We probably opened up when we absolutely shouldn't have. But we came back pretty quickly. But I feel like, I don't know, it was a different year. Maybe I did go soft on it. I have, man. I mean, I came to the city. I lived in the city my whole life.

When did you leave? What age? Eight years ago. So what's that? I lived in Hell's Kitchen for 16 years. And I lived Upper East Side for three years. I did two years in shit LA, and I was like, ugh, let me get the fuck out of here. Yeah, you're just like an LA guy.

No, I fucking can't stand it. You came back here. You live with Bill. I'm so glad it's fucking sinking. Oh, I hope the fuck out of here. Yeah, you're just like an L.A. guy. No, I fucking can't stand it. You came back here. You live with Bill? I'm so glad it's fucking sinking. Oh, I hope the homeless, everybody left. All the fucking influence just fucking said, now it's just homeless tents and encampments. Oh, I hope the fuck, when somebody throws a cigarette out

and the whole thing lights on fire, I'm like, that's God. That whole thing is God. God's cigarette. Oh, I fucking love it. It just moved in like fucking two states, three states. cigarette out and the whole thing lights on fire i'm like that's god that whole thing is god god cigarette i fucking love it it just moved in like fucking two states three states the whole business said fuck you they went to nashville and austin right they really did just move a little bit a douchebag with jaguars now fucking hey fuck you stupid shits hate that fucking state god bless you though if you live there yeah but i've lived here so the day i moved was the day i i came home with my kid it was eight years ago uh we lived in house kitchen i had a fucking slam i had the dream pad yeah you know because the first the one thing

i always wanted to do was own my own apartment. First chunk of money I get, I'm buying a place and exactly what I did. I bought a place, duplex. I put a shower in. Five dudes could be belly to belly, tip to tip with fucking shower heads everywhere.

I had upstairs, downstairs, brand new kids. It was the shit. But I brought that kid home and then the night I brought him home, I'm outside

with my two dogs, my little shit dogs they're gone now and homeless dude kicked one of my two in the morning talking to my mother I got a baby

I'm fucking wiped the kid's inside and the kid I just heard the guy kicked my dog Jesus Christ his shirt was still shredded

and I fucking snapped and I just got in his nose and I'm like fuck you you fucking he's like fuck you watch your dogs I'm like I'll fucking murder you Shirtless dude. Shredded. And I fucking snapped. And I just got in his nose. I'm like, fuck you. You fucking. He's like, fuck you. Watch your dogs. I'm like, I'll fucking murder you right now.

And he's like, you want, I'll fucking murder you. And it just kept escalating. We kept getting angrier and angrier until I was finally like, I'm going to fucking kill you. And he just went, you don't like black people. What? No, I love black people. I don't like people who kick my dog. Keith Robinson's my friend.

I'm friends with Kevin Hart. I'm good friends with him. I was like, what? Because you heard a dude, like someone yelled out, what? I was like, oh, shit, this guy just fucked me. Right? And then I just felt somebody grab my shoulder. And I went, ah ah it was my Polish Russian

whatever the fuck super this woman and she grabbed me she goes Bobby you have brand new baby

you don't do this in street anymore and she literally walked me by my shoulder back to my house and my dogs I was like okay sorry dude

bye bye my mom's pretty pissed at me right now and I put my place on the market The next day I'm fucking out Yeah city I'm not doing it

That's what I mean Kids who grow up in the city Fucking weird man I can't fight with They're fucking bizarre dude Look if you don't have a kid You can get into this stupid shit With a guy who kicks your dog

No I can't do that now You have a kid You can't fuck around And then I moved up to the Up there And now Coming back My studio just opened up The Laugh Button Studios Above the Cellar Yeah So we up to the up there and now coming back my studio just opened up

the laugh button studios above the cellar so we're doing the show there now and you know dude I don't know where to fucking park the homeless people are so like fucking I don't know they're just they get a little more confidence than they used to they're not deterred by anything no they will

walk right out they're like the pigeons and the rats they're not afraid of the people. Yeah, there's boobs out again. I was talking to Ari about that. I'm seeing just tits. I'll never forget when I went to Fordham

and I was on the D train going back once and there was a woman who had her shirt up over her tits and her pants down to her knees and it was a fucking bush

of all bushes and the tits were hanging down to her waist and I was like, you know, freshman in college and I was like, bush of all bushes, and the tits were hanging down to her waist, and I was a freshman in college, and I was like, okay, now I've been initiated. You know what I mean? I've seen it. But then that kind of did go away,

and now it's just back. Yeah. They don't fucking... It's back, and there's something about it I like that it's kind of back to that fucking shit. Sick pup. Well, no, just... Now you're seeing the tits again?

Listen, I'm a tits again. Listen, I'm a titty guy. If there's titties out, I'm looking. You know what I mean? I don't care if it's my sister. I don't care if it's yours, bud. You know, the titties out, you look, but the

yeah, it's weird to come back in here. Parking, but it's all bullshit. Yeah. It's all bullshit. back in here Parking But it's all bullshit Yeah It's all bullshit Right Cause you I walked in

It's a couple minutes You get in traffic All that shit It just You know It just takes a couple minutes To go away You know

But it's all bullshit Cause the city's fucking popping There's a dude driving down the street With his kid in the back Of a I mean nobody City people don't give a fuck At all man

Oh fuck There's a kid in the bike lane, in the back, just sitting there waiting to be smashed by a cab. You know? She has no idea that this hipster

is just an idiot going to get coffee. Are you fu... Like, I could never do that now. I don't have that fucking in me. I need to be up in the suburbs. I just got to find a way to build up my city legs.

I don't even walk fast now. Do you know what I mean? There's that pace. Have you ever walked with somebody who lives in the city? Yeah, you're like kind of jogging. I'm just like fucking, just like my whole body has to, my whole fatness has to shift. Just waddling down the street.

I'll catch it. But there is a pace you get walking in the city that it's just going to take a minute to get. I've got to get it back, though, because I'm finished if I don't. How often do you come in the city now? Do you go once a week, twice a week? I used to come in three times a week, four times a week. Wow. I would always come in and hang out on Mondays and Tuesdays and then Fridays and Saturdays.

And that's for you know what, dude? You know know what dude and then you're still doing like stand up and all that shit like yeah i'm doing stand up but even that's hard to fucking get that going now you have 900 fucking young fucking wolverines behind you yeah that are just oh they did fuck i'm just fucking jokes yeah like back when i was in boston fucking let's do stand up yeah everything right stand up stand up yeah now i'm like what do you want you want salmon back when I was in Boston. Fucking let's do stand-up. Everything. Stand-up, stand-up. It's always hanging in their life. Now I'm like, what do you want?

Do you want salmon? Let's smoke some chicken thighs. I just watched a YouTube video and it takes 17 hours but I have time because I don't care. And then you see this fucking kid with a notebook.

He's been writing jokes 36 hours straight. Yeah, he says one thing. Oh, that's funny. Fucking guy. Goes on stage. He has 90 new minutes. It's all on fucking TikTok.

It's got 7,000 views. And I'm sitting there with fucking 300 views of me going, oh, my kid's crazy. I'm going to be on fucking Napa Knock tonight. Oh, God. Yeah, it's pretty. It sucks, right? It just sucks. It's justapa knock tonight. Oh, God. Yeah, it's pretty. It sucks, right? It just sucks.

It's just, it's a matter of. It's different, but it sucks. It sucks. It does. It sucks. All right, dude. Listen, your pep talk stink, by the way. What the fuck, man?

No, it does suck, but you have to kind of accept it. Yes. And find it, like, you it and find another thing. Dude, the acceptance is huge. I ended up getting divorced and shit went south for me because I just couldn't deal with the fact at first that you're not going to sleep and you don't get to go out and your whole life has changed.

And I was always fighting against that, like swimming against the current. And eventually you just let it take you and just live your life that way. And it all kind of like, you're not as angry. You're not as upset. You're not as stressed. You're not as tired. But if you try, you just, but you have, you have to give in.

It's like literally fighting the tides. It's not, you're not going to, you're not going to win that battle. You have to accept it. Yeah. I got it. Or just don't do it at all. Or become fucking rich. Yes.

Because, you know, that's what I love too. I have rich friends that give me advice. Oh, fuck off. I didn't hear you from up there. Yeah. When rich people have like 35 kids and it's like, oh, look, they do it. It's like they have not changed a diaper. They have not stayed up at night.

They got night nurses. They've got nannies. They got au pairs. I know. There's a family I know. So Bronxville is like very ritzy. I know. There's a family I know. So Bronxville is very ritzy. I'm right on the outskirts. But still, within my life, it's not like I'm living in the fanciest of places.

So it's a relatively normal family. They have three nannies. They have one in the morning, then one that comes or leaves halfway in the afternoon, and then one who stays overnight. It's like, what the fuck? It's fucking nuts. But also, if you got it, I who stays overnight. It's like, what the fuck? It's fucking nuts. But also, if you got it, like I remember hearing about night nurses

being like, come on, you got to stay up through the night with your kids. It's your kid. And then I'm like, why? Who fucking cares? Let someone else deal with them while they sleep. You get a fresh night's sleep. Oh, I would do it in a second,

but it doesn't, because I can't afford it. I hate them for it. If I was them, I'd be like, fuck you. I'd be like, come on. Yeah, absolutely. But I can't afford it. I hate them for it. If I was them, I'd be like, fuck you. I'd be like, come on. 100%. Yeah, absolutely. But I can't afford it.

And it bugs me, though, that they compare themselves to regular parents. Right. Like when they go, oh, it's hard. It's not hard for you. You don't shovel. Right. You don't fucking stay up all night. You're not fucking.

You don't make sandwiches. You don't run out of mayonnaise you don't you don't blow up fucking 900 things every summer just that's how we're gonna die one day we're just gonna keel over oh how did he die cause of death blowing up a kiddie pool fucking can somebody invent i know they have the thing but that but then you don't have you never have that on hand thing. But you never have that on hand. It always breaks. You never have it on hand. And you wind up fucking getting an aneurysm.

I got one red eyeball on stage just full of blood because I'm trying to blow up some stupid floaty thing that he's going to use once. And then the dog's going to bite it. And then I'm going to throw. Fuck you with the float. I fucking hate floaty things. I hate them. I'm done. Anything that's infl with the float. I fucking hate floating things. I hate them.

I'm done. Anything that's inflatable, we're fucking done, kids. Fucking not doing it. We have a pool. That was last year when everybody turned ghetto. When everybody went back to the 80s and 70s, I was like, dude, we got to get a fucking Intex pool. We got to go fucking buy a $200 pool for $17,000 off of some dude in fucking Poughkeepsie.

Right? Oh, dude, what a nightmare last summer was. I had to become a chemist. Put a fucking pool up. He was like, is the pool going up this year?

I go, no. That was the one year thing. Fuck off. You go to camp, you go to Fox.com. All right, I love it, Bobby. We're going to go next door. We're going to have you

answer some questions, but the podcast is You Know What, Dude. So when does that come out? I got two. I got You Know What, Dude comes out once a week. I've been going on over 10 years. Yeah. I heard that.

You said 13 years? Because we've been doing it since 2012. So we're going on 10. And I feel like usually almost everybody we talk to, we have them beat. But I feel like you were one of the OGs then. Yeah, I actually started. I think Billy Burr, I helped him with his first podcast at my house. Wow, really?

Yeah, me and Joe DeRosa used to do YKWD in my living room over here. So, yeah, but YKWD for a while. And during the pandemic, I hooked up with my buddy, Mike Calta, who's living at a number one morning show in Florida. It's like fucking, you know, he's a he's a, you know, millionaire off a radio. He does it every day. But he would do radio with me, a podcast with me every night while the pandemic just and we still do it. So Calter and Kelly.

And then, of course, you know, my stand up. That's all. Yeah. My stand up is the main thing. I mean, everybody knows the name. Everybody knows Bobby Kelly at this point. Yeah, well, fucking tell my Patreon numbers. What the fuck?

Go to the Patreon. God damn it. Patreon.com slash Bobby Kelly. You guys make $170,000 million. It's crazy, man. I want to fucking blow Tim Dillon. I wish I was his type. I mean, what the fuck?

I mean, look, granted, he's fucking the funniest motherfucker. Deserves everything. This cock second deserves everything. And I knew that from the second I met him. I was like, this kid's hilarious. But shit. He grinded it out, too. But when you see the numbers there, it's like.

God bless him. I just want to be part of his crew. Can I get a job? Can I be your assistant or something? Fuck. Something. Can I be your secretary? I'll fluff you.

Whatever you want, Tim. I'll fucking cook. Yeah. I'll cook whatever you want. Fuck. Something. Can I be your secretary? I'll fluff you. Whatever you want, Tim. I'll fucking cook. Yeah. I'll cook whatever you want. Like a pork. I like pork. I'll do falafels. Whatever the fuck you want.

Some of these guys are making 17 hours. I have to hide my numbers. Yeah, I know. That's when you know you're doing well when you just leave your fucking finances out for the public to see. Everyone else in the world is like, we can't talk about that. My Patreon is like, here it is. Here's how much I make. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.