KFC Radio - The "20 Hour Rule" is the New "10,000 Hour Rule" Ft. Ari Shaffir and Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Feits is ashamed he can't Juggle 01:30 Juggling Apple Eater: https://twitter.com/BPankeyOfficial/status/1721200278723068069 10:12 The 20 Hour Rule 19:06 If she DMs you she's too old for you bro 41:45 Do you know how much you pee on your legs? 52:20 Girls' Thick Neck vs Thin Neck Guy Theory 01:05:36 Video Voicemails ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Stacker 2: Go to https://Stacker2.com/Barstool for $5 off. Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you or order on gopuff SimpliSafe: Visit https://SIMPLISAFE.com/kfcradio for 50% off any SimpliSafe system with a Fast Protect Plan. BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month. Factor: Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kfc50 and use code kfc50 to get 50% off.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Kind of like beads up and... No way. You walk around pissed on your balls? Bro, I just talked about how my legs are covered in piss all the time and you stole my thunder. KFC Radio to you by stacker 2 stacker 2 energy is the presenting sponsor of kfc radio as i just said let stacker

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Take them anywhere. Go to stacker2.com slash barstool for your barstool bite back special. Get five bucks off your purchase or $5 worth of free product. That's stacker2.com slash barstool. I'm not saying you could do this, are able to do this. Are we on the show right now? Sure. Let's start now.

Let's start now. I'm not sure if you're able to do this. You're definitely not able to do this. I'm not sure if you'll even be able to do this if you wanted to achieve it. But I want you to do this. I want you to become this guy right here. This guy's so awesome. Dude, this guy is the fucking man i don't know how you become the the apple juggling eater guy look at that face that's the face of determination and the sound is this dude this dude one day set out to just be i love hashtag relatable memes

what's fucking relatable about this this guy one day was just like i'm i can juggle dude what if i this is something that you think he just goes and goes and goes until there's like a core left yeah he should do that with like a like an orange or something that you could just eat the whole like peel it and then eat the whole fucking thing just gone you just juggle until it disappears that would be pretty sick the uh i don't know this is gonna come as a surprise to people or not it is a surprise to me i cannot juggle at all i have no ability to juggle why does that surprise you i'm i'm rather good with my. I have solid hand-eye coordination. You think you should just be

able to juggle? No, but like, never in my entire life have I been able to juggle. There are times in my life where I was a pretty athletic young lad. That's not how it works, bro. Is it not? You gotta, like, practice juggling. Oh, that explains it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be like, you know, that would be like, listen, I'm, you know, I was in my prime.

I was athletic, but I couldn't hit like a bullseye with a bone arrow. You got to learn that shit. But I never learned how to throw. I'm sure I did. I just don't have memories of it. But I could just. I think that's something. I think that's very different than you have to learn.

It's a whole thing of you always have two in the air or some shit. It's actually a very basic thing. I'm sure I definitively learned how to throw. I just don't remember. But I think that's more like you watch and you mimic. But like I should be able to do that with juggling. I don't think it is. I think that it looks like that. It doesn't look, you know, there's too much going on. And when you learn

that it's actually like you just throw up and over, up and over, whatever it is. I remember like trying, you know, to learn once before and it is actually like you just throw up and over, up and over, whatever it is. I remember like trying to learn once before, and it is just like a – that's hilarious. It's very funny to think that you're just like – so there were definitely times where you were just like, give me those three things, and you were just like – and you were like, what the fuck?

It didn't work. I was like, what the hell is this shit? That is not... Can you juggle? No. Have you ever tried? Yeah, but I never really put my head to it. Yeah, like they...

I also can't spin a basketball with my finger. That bothers me. I can't do that either. That's crazy. You can't do that. I never was able to do it. I can do it for like a split second. I can't.

The people go... Yeah. The people keep spinning is fucking crazy. Jackie, can you juggle? No. I can juggle with my feet. No fucking crazy. Jackie, can you juggle? No. I can juggle with my feet. No, no, no. Like soccer juggling? No, no, no. I think we need Jackie juggles. I think

for your New Year's resolution this year, you should learn how to juggle. I've like, I've tried it a few times. I can get to two juggles, two rotations. That's more than me. Three balls, like one, two times through, you're saying?

I think so. Wait a minute. That sounds like you can't. When you learn to juggle, you can buy a set that is square. They're cube beanbags, so they don't roll away. You drop it so many fucking times. The worst part about learning to juggle is your back hurts. Really?

You're just constantly picking up the ball. So it's definitely not something you just like, I can throw balls. I can catch balls. Let me throw and catch all these balls. I absolutely thought that was that way. No. I probably only tried to juggle three times in my life, and every time I'm like, fuck this. You're like, fuck this.

Yeah, no. Maybe. But I do think it's an attainable goal like it's not you know i think if i put my mind to it right right get some juggling done i think you probably could get it done like in a day i i don't know but i bet i could get two two juggles in a day well that's have three balls now can you try can i try right now yeah i. I mean, we definitely want to have three balls. How about those three little jars? I don't even know.

Like, what you were just talking about, where you're like, when you learn, you go like this. Zin packages? No, I think that's got a better weight to it. Wait, are those glass? No. Like, when you said, like... I bet it was just glass shattering everywhere. I think you have to stand up for this.

Yeah, I would be... Yeah. I imagine it was just glass shattering everywhere. I think you have to stand up for this. Yeah. I would be, yeah. John's juggling three jars of like... One? No, that doesn't fucking count. So you just keep rotating? I don't know how to juggle, dude!

I'm just going to keep throwing and catching. Is this juggling? No, but I think that's the first step. I think now when that one's in the air, you've got to throw another one up. But I do think that's a good first start. I think, like, yeah, I think that's got to go. Okay. If that's juggling. They make it look so easy.

By the way... Wait, I'm going to let you keep going. I'm going to do it one more time. I think you should give me one when I get it. That is a different form of juggling. I know, I know. I'm getting in the rhythm, Jacqueline. Wait, can I try?

Yeah. What I was going to say, I didn't want to interrupt you as you were trying so valiantly. I think the other one went behind the couch. We have been reduced to literally a court jester. Dance for me, you little puppet. Let me move up a little more, Jack.

You're here, and then what do you do for third? He doesn't know. I thought this could be a lot easier. This is such a perfect embodiment of both of you. I thought that was better. You almost hit yourself in the face with one. That's like, it's bizarrely impressive because it's so chaotic. I was going to say.

It's just limbs flailing. And somehow you were somewhat keeping it aflo seen this thing a bunch you have two hands here and you're just like throwing up you're like like when you're going like if your hands are moving you're fucked your hands have to stay here the whole time i know that but uh no dude this is don't don't feel what other things out here are you thinking that you you're supposed to be able to do and you're like disappointed in yourself that you can't do it um i don't know i'd have to hear it yeah yeah yeah like another bro did you see uh i play the guitar you can play the guitar you should be able to play the guitar yeah yeah that's that's the perfect one too i see i did the opposite of that but i took guitar lessons

when i see people play the guitar, like piano keys, I get. It's like there's a button. There's buttons, and you're pushing them. Picking strings that are like a centimeter apart from each other. Couldn't figure it out. It's so hard. Yeah. What are you talking about?

Get that string. That's in the middle of a bunch of other strings. Right. Like if it was like a big machine, not a machine, but like a big instrument that you like pull, pull, pull, pull. I would get it, but it's like I'm going to hit the other one. I'm going to hit three of them, but I'm going to go for one. What do you mean hit all of them at the same time? That doesn't make any sense either.

Right. Yeah. The opposite is that. That is crazy. I just love the thought that you've been walking around your whole life being like, I absolutely should be able to juggle and I can't. I should be able to. Are you under the impression that other people are out here juggling? Yes.

I would say. I thought in this room there would be at least three jugglers. I thought you were a juggler for sure. What? Why would I be a juggler? I don't know. I thought juggling was a thing i juggling is a thing that you need to do and learn but i think if you do it like for a day

if you have any sort of hand-eye coordination you could do it because i do think it's like get like i think i think part of it is you take two in one hand and you throw it and when that one's up you throw it and like once you get the hang of that yeah then it's just like you you know then you introduce something with your other hand and it all kind of clicks which is like i think i think most people do exactly what you two did and you're just like this is impossible never mind and i think it's like with five minutes five you know people say like five actual minutes like that's a a long time of like try you know then all of a sudden you start to get it you know what i mean i actually learned the other day that it's more than five minutes but with 20 hours of practice you can become proficient proficient in most things almost everything that that makes

sense yeah because 20 hours is so little time it's it's the same thing as exercising too though when it's like just do this for like 20 minutes a day and it's like, yeah, if you row for 20 straight minutes, you're going to be fucking gassed. But that makes sense to me. I think – I bet you the vast amount of stuff in this world from talents to skills to physical, whatever, most people try for like a matter of seconds it's like seconds you know what i mean just like i'm trying to try this never mind i suck at this i'm done i can't do it i'm done you get frustrated you get embarrassed and you're just finished and it's like if you just try a little bit think about how many 20 hour batches you have in your life where it was just like i'll spend 20 hours playing the guitar 20 hours juggling 20 hours skateboarding 20 hours 20 hours become a real jack of all trades you just

be awesome at stuff not even awesome but just like for efficient yeah yeah i can do like yeah like if somebody walks in this room with a skateboard i can do it you walk in this room with a fucking baseball bat i can swing it you walk it you know i can go to any party anywhere anything i can i can kind of do that. That's fucking great. That's the way to live life. You should write a book. That is such a piece of bullshit book

that everybody would be like, have you read the 20-hour book? You know the 20-hour rule? It's a guy who literally does nothing but writes a book about how he does everything. Yeah. That's the tagline. Bro, write this book.

First of all, you've got to learn how to do a couple things, though. I've got to learn how to write a book first. Practice for 20 hours. You've got your writing hours logged. You know how to write. So go write a book called The 20-Hour Rule. It's about how the man who does nothing can do everything.

I bet there's a book like that out there but it's kind of by a scientist who like yeah that's like i got i read it in i i don't know where i read i forget but i read it somewhere so it's obviously not something i came up with all the more reason you need to do it though nobody wants to hear from a scientist if i was just like yo you know that dude the guy he does the things the stuff you can do everything if you just listen to him. Imagine if that was a rule that I just invented and I was like, if you do anything for $20, you can be good at it.

That also, by the way, could be a total thing that you made up. And it makes sense. It does make sense. It seems like there is some... It's funny when... Well, the real thing is $10,000. That's the headline of this article. It takes – well, the real thing is 10,000 hours. Right.

That's the headline of this article. To be – It takes 20, not 10,000. 10,000 is – 10,000 is to be an expert. Yeah, 10,000. 20 hours to like – I'm thinking – so if you do 10,000 hours of juggling, I think you can juggle chainsaws and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you do 20 hours of juggling, I think you can juggle three balls. So yeah, that makes sense to me if i was young right now and in the content game i would i and and really wanted to go after it and like didn't have any kids any any bills any expenses any anything i would have a channel called 20 hours and i would just pick something and do it for 20 hours and just keep going and i think it would be a smash hit you got to be good you got to be someone coordinated enough to do these things pick things that you will hopefully achieve but i think it would even a smash hit. You got to be good. You got to be somewhat coordinated enough to do these things, pick things that you will hopefully achieve. But I think it would even be cool sometimes to get to 20 hours and be like, not even close. Yeah.

Not even fucking close. But if you become one of these motivational assholes and you probably take some ice baths along the way for some reason, you got to do that. That's the kind of shit that people eat the fuck up on the internet. Did you see – I don't know if it was new. I never know what's – everything. The weird thing about getting into Instagram and TikTok is you never know what's new and what's old. Twitter is like, this is trending.

It's just happened, and I know that. TikTok, you might be watching something like three years ago yeah and unless you know like what that person looks like oh they have hair they don't have hair now you know you have no fucking idea the guy who did a ted talk where he did not have a topic he just spoke like a ted talk he's like so i'm here today to talk to you about giving a ted talk i have absolutely nothing to say here today but if i move my hands like this and i raise my voice at these points you will feel like i'm giving a speech and it it like it feels exactly like a ted he has a headpiece on he walks across the room and he

moves his hands in a way and it's like oh these motherfuckers all just have oh that's any speech that's not just the ted talk the ted talk's name grabby but that's yeah yeah yeah right but these i mean this guy it's just like every nfl coach stands in a podium talks oh he's gonna say anything yep but that most people speaking in public including myself are never saying anything yeah but it really goes to show that like if you are nervous about doing it it doesn't matter what the topic is as long as you just learn this. Then you can just plug and play. Just do this for absolutely everything.

But if you watch it on mute, it's like it looks like you're doing the fucking movements. It's like there was a – That was something – that is one I think I came up with. I think I said once. Yeah, this is eight years ago. It stuck with me that 97% of conversations don't have to happen. And I think that's true. I think most things that are said out loud, there's absolutely no reason for them.

And we can just get by without it. Sure. But I also don't think that things don't have to be said. You just want them to be said. That's a different. No, that's completely different. Yes, 100 100 agree with you because otherwise we're just literally just sitting here yeah no i like talking for most of the time as long as we both agree we're not so i'm on anything right right right right but when like like over explaining and shit like that

like it's surviving barcelona comes out soon it is the the uh you know what though you say that magnum opus of over explanations you you say that but there was a couple times where you were completely floored i don't even mean like in like talking i do mean that too but i mean like also like in oh oh the rules rules and all that kind of shit that was insane that actually that the rules i thought was i was like i want to like do a case study on this because there are certain people asking certain questions that i'm like i think you don't even realize what you're doing yeah i think you don't even understand you just want to talk right yes like i think i actually think what it was was nerves and they want to like to be like involved and that way i like you know what i mean like if i ask a question i'm somehow like already trying hard you know when it's just like it's

a puzzle put the puzzle together wait can i can i put the puzzles can i put it in my right hand and then put in my left hand fucking yeah put it in my left hand? Fucking yeah, dude. Fucking yeah. And there was a couple times where we would run into like bizarrely like, oh, that actually does matter. But like, yeah, in the one in a billion chance this was going to happen. Let's just play it out. Yeah. And we'll have that fight after we need to. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was absolutely crazy. Because there was even times where I was about to ask a question. I was like, I don't need to do this. Yeah, I'm just going to do this. Like, it could be an issue, but we don't need to fucking worry about that. That is – they'll probably cut that just because for time. Yes. But I already told Rob, I think specifically for the challenges, we should use the pay-per-view platform and just put full unedited challenges on.

Look at the light. Open your eyes. Wait, way too long for that. You don't close your eyes. Yeah. My bad. Idiot.

Just feel bad for your notes. Uh, we should put the full challenges on and you can watch like the full half hour, you know, if you want, cause there's so much good shit that happened in there, but also the first little, it's probably about a half hour in the first 17 minutes to be questions

fucking crazy no it's a half hour the first 27 minutes to be questions there was a there was a couple there were a few longer ones but like most of the challenges are like five minutes long it was nuts uh and that dude that was probably better than the first two seasons really as far as that kind of shit where it was just like producers just like talking and let's just play

the children's game bunch of adults we can figure it out right although I will again to play devil's advocate if there was ever a group of people where like you have to make sure the rules are all spread out, explain because they will latch onto the one fucking thing where it's like, yeah, that happened,

but you know, that's not the spirit of the rules. You know, uh, there's never a wrong time to protect your home, but this fall happens to be an especially good time. No bad times, no wrong times.

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a Fast Protect plan. Visit SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. That's SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. 50% off any SimpliSafe system with a Fast Protect plan. that's simply safe.com slash kfc radio 50 off any simply safe system with a fast protect plan there's no safe like simply um but when we this got started i don't know if we're recording it or not you have said dm it to me and that was something i thought about the other day uh that like you know like the like she's too young for you, bro.

He's too old for you, bro. Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. Mine is my window of dating is if you email me shit, too old for me. Sure. If you DM me shit, too young for me. I like that. I live in the text.

Once we reach reached we're text friends that's it don't ever talk to me on any other platform ever again the only thing i will say is that when if you find something on instagram you can just like and you're done yeah but like you actually did it to me recently where we were in the hotel we were leaving pittsburgh and you like watch this video i'm gonna send it to you and i was i thought about it too i was like he doesn't use instagram bro i was i was like i was checking my wi-fi i was like i was embarrassed i was like oh i must have forgotten to pay my fucking phone i said to myself he doesn't go on instagram enough to know that it's gonna be on instagram it was i was like i i eventually found out but like i didn't talk to you about it for a while because I was in my phone trying to be like,

where the fuck is this goddamn thing? Because it's like... That's crazy. Why? I sent Hank an Instagram. I saw a video on Instagram this morning. I just copied the link, went to fucking Twitter, went to my tag, and texted Hank.

You got to go three dot... No, wait. You got to click the paper airplane or whatever that is. And then you do copy link or share to. And then. So everything you're describing so far, you got to do to send a DM. Not really. It's right there.

It's like. So, like, especially if I talk to you a lot, which, you know what I mean? It's like, boom, boom, done. These are all the people I message all the time. Like, your name is right there. So I would just go, like boom, boom, done. These are all the people I message all the time. Like your name is right there. So I would just go boom, Vitalberg, done. I guess so, but I would – I'm not going to see. You're going to have to tell me.

If you're going to do that, text me. I just DM you something on Instagram, and then I'll be furious, but at least I'll know it's there. What I think is weird is when people have like conversations in Instagram and then conversations on text. Yeah, yours is a special case. You don't do it regularly or anything like that. But someone who's like, did you see what I just sent you? Yeah.

No, we're talking right here. Why would I see that? Yeah, or like a group chat over here and a text message over there. That, I mean, we're for sure old on that front but i'm i i am in in my you're about to say something that's old too well i'm okay nope nope it's right i'm right oh no no i'm just i'm okay yeah yeah i'm fine like that's fine that is uh i i'm comfortable being set in my ways yeah i i really really didn't think I thought as a product of this job I would always be evolving

and I'm not and I'm okay with it I'm okay with it I actually never thought that you always knew you were going to be like old man at the cloud yes I remember where I remember

when Dave hit 25,000 followers on Twitter or something like that. He was like, I don't understand how to keep up with these mentions. And I was like, that many people can talk to you? I was like, this is going to be a problem for me. You knew. You knew. don't want that this is gonna be a problem for me yeah you knew you knew and i just kept being like in my head like if i get a little bit bigger then i reached the point where i can stop looking i mentioned i've always said that about about fame and i don't think it's true anymore but if you

had told me when i had that revelation which was 13 years ago that that was going to be a problem for me if you had told me like 25 000 by the time i would get 25 000 i'll be set yeah and then it would have been 50 and then 30 and then i'm sorry then three like 150 if you told me that day if you're like when you have 300 000 followers you'll still be checking your mentions i was like i'd be like no fucking chance you know what it is though because i always said the we have the worst level of fame where it's like if you're super famous, you don't even look at it. And if you're a little bit less famous, nobody's an asshole to you. We're big enough where we have people who hate us for no reason and a large enough pool of people that there's going to be several dozens of assholes who approach you.

And then I still maintain that a little bit because when you do get super famous you also get super rich and they're in barcelona for like the you know 99 percent of the employees you are famous enough on the internet to get a lot of hate and not famous enough to be rich so that that has a shitty place to live but as far as the like you get so big you just don't even see your mentions it's just you still you see the amount that you see you know what i mean like there's maybe it updates really fast but like you open it up and you see someone being like fuck you like yep that happened at 2 000 25 000 250 000 250 million like you know kim kardashian sees those comments there's 50 000 comments beneath. But, and you have 50, but you still see something.

So I don't think there's any way to, to get around it. I think that I, I, I think that I would, I feel like I want to get to a million. I feel like when you're in the millions, you could have 400 million,

you have a million. I think I would like stop then. Like I, I still worry, not worry, but like I'm still motivated to grow my page and like I'm, I want to see how many views I'm getting and all that sort of shit. And I think if I, if I hit a million for some reason, that feels like a number where I would just be like, I no longer care. Like I, I will use it still. Like my, my, I think i would stop looking at it though like at this point i'm still like doing like like interacting and feedback and liking and posting

and uh and uh sharing and all this shit and i think i would just be like this is just a tool that i use now to put shit out there yeah i mean still like mode i still want to be bigger i i think that i think what i've always thought and i that, like, I think that's a detriment to me growing it. I think it's a detriment to me being, I think the number one way to grow is to be good at it. Or not to be good at it, just be good at your job. Yeah. And then I think that's a strong detriment. When you, when you, when you.

It's a deterrent to use it, too, where I'm just like, this isn't fun to use. Well, I think you can use it. I think it's almost impossible. But I think if you can, like, there are certain times where I'm getting triggered by something, and I just check myself, and I'm like, these are all just jokes. Everyone's just, like, busting my balls, whether it's true or not. Some people probably are definitely not. But I'm just like, these are guys who are just fucking around on the internet, like, making fun of like making fun of me i'm just gonna like make fun of them back rather than being like what the fuck man

you know and i it kind of resets and because i do think if the more you know you use it i i still think we probably use like one percent of the fucking capabilities of these things you know i mean uh where if you really want to like grow you can you can make it your job and like use it every day and use all the features and shit but once you that the minute you realize like and truly realize like this is making me worse which is leading to less money in my pocket i think that's a big uh before and after moment on the internet where like you don't you don't really realize it until you're like oh like i'm not doing and that and this is a weird circumstance if you work in this industry right but if you get paid off this shit the minute you realize that like sitting there's

reading reddit comments sitting there replying to twitter trolls like that is a horrible use of your time it'd be like if you fucking make stuff to sell and instead of making things you just spent time arguing with people like go at the counter that's a good point you're not making the product you fucking so um but it takes a lot i i don't i do not think i mean you're probably the only one i know who like has that epiphany and like really i get what it's just like it struck me very recently where i was like if you had told me 14 years ago like you'll have 300300,000 and we're still reading it? God, we must be fucking miserable. And we haven't killed ourselves yet?

Holy shit. But yeah, we are. It's like, oh, yeah, we're absolutely crazy. We're absolutely – oh, man, it really is i mean it kind of ties into what we were talking about the other day of how we we really we're at the very very infancy of it all where they are for sure we've said this a million times but they are for sure gonna be like oh yeah we had to we had to put the clamps on that monitor that shit everyone had unfettered access forever they all went crazy there's a generation of crazy people he was comparing himself to jenna marbles and jenna i forget what numbers they both had but she had like 4x him and he was like how the fuck does jenna keep up with her stuff i can barely keep up with mine and i was like people have that many people talking

to them holy shit but also i think that mentality is like you don't you don't keep up with them right you know like i don't think they doesn't i hope doesn't anymore i think at some point you're like i don't care about these people that's the real nirvana but it's not like i don't you say whatever you want do whatever you want good bad i don't care if you boo i don't care if you cheer it's no because it's not that i want you i do care if you boo or cheer yeah it's that when you when it i not when you it's because it's like it's all like I don't even think most of those people are doing anything wrong. It just bothered me, and it made me want to do less, and that made me worse my job. I definitely reached the point, though, of like if you told me you didn't think I was funny or you didn't like this blog that I wrote or something that I said, I would either argue, why don't you, like should i change it and then when everything when everything hit the fan it was just like oh that sort of like those things stopped truly stopped mattering to me it actually bothers me more on the internet than it does in person like dude we just got we did our

shows we're going to minneapolis detroit and buffalo to wrap it up end of the month minneapolis buffalo by the way. This is for you guys. The other two shows we probably should have fucking canceled too. But Buffalo, you guys sold the fuck out immediately on a Sunday, a football Sunday, Jets, Jets-Bills in November. I don't even know how we ended up scheduling that date. It was a miscommunication, and I was like,

we're going to have to change that before I could even ask the guy to change the date it was basically sold out it was like 260 out of 270 seats are sold uh you are the only reason why we were doing this last leg of the tour we are finishing up strong and we're doing so in minneapolis we can go to the bdsm show that big a but the big 90s 90s yes um that'll be awesome we'll be there for 10 minutes because it's gonna get really fucking weird we're just with a bunch of co-workers watching people get whipped and shit like all right i'm uncomfortable everyone sufficiently feel weak do you think jackie will feel the most uncomfortable i don't think think Jackie's going to come. Jackie, you're not going to come? No, I'll come.

Oh, will you? I feel like... No, I will. She's got to come. It's a very welcoming environment at Big Gay 90s. Is it? You know, it really truly is. It's a welcoming environment, aside from the people on stage.

They are not in a good spot. No, I'm not worried. Their heart is a rock. I'm not worried about Big spot. No, I'm not worried. Their heart is a rock. I'm not worried about big gay 90s. I'm worried about being with you guys. What the fuck does that mean, dude? The fucking psychopath masochistic sadistic freaks on stage? Fine, you guys are the problem.

Yeah, I'm just like, I don't know. No, no, I'm not worried about being psyched. Yeah, elaborate. Clarify that statement, please. Oh my god, no, I'm not worried about that. Yeah, elaborate, clarify that statement, please. Oh my God, no, I'm not worried about that. You feel awkward? Fine. It's just awkward being with male coworkers. It actually, because it's not hot, so it's not.

I was going to say, I think it would be worse to be at a strip club with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's just like, this is just like weird. Even a strip club I don't think is hot. It's not. But the vibe there is just people trying to get handjobs and shit. Yeah, yeah. This is like, we're here to see a spectacle.

But also, it is hot to the other people in the room. So you got to be very subtle about you. This is fucking nuts, right? Yeah, you're going to offend some people. What do they do there? What's an example? People were like splayed and they get whipped. And then there's just like a sex corner where people just ride.

I think it's like... Ride in faces, you were going to say? Yeah, ride in face. Are they just fucking? Are there anybody just straight up missionary sex happening? The face riding was like she had a thong on, but that definitely was askew a little bit. Plus all you need there is a little friction.

Come on. Jesus. I bet you there's like a no penetration rule there's a lot of latex yeah a lot of latex well those are just giant condoms when you think about it you know what i mean and then there's like it's funny to watch the regular normies there's a handful of couples where it's like they walked out you guys walked out of the house looking like that yeah like you you got vacuum sealed up and he put on a pair of cargo shorts what the fuck a couple outfits shouldn't match but they should they should at least be in the same compliment one another like yeah like if you're in leather you've got to be in in if you're

in latex you got to be in some sort of leather or something you can't be just like sweatpants and a hoodie my guy's in a fucking North Stars retro shirt. What are we doing right now? I saw a couple. Wait, I was going to say something. Why did I start all that? Oh, to say that this stuff bothers me online more than in person. I still think the funniest thing I said on Dork, not a single person laughed at it.

I've noticed that in general it fell we both have moments where i'm like how are you guys aren't like diehard most diehard fans you didn't you didn't catch that there's one time per show i like cackle at something you say and we like look at each other and it's like that was fucking funny and over everybody's head this one i don't remember you even laughed at you remember when we were in pittsburgh and earlier in the show the guy was like is it gay to fuck my best friend's twin yeah yeah and then later in the show he was like he just randomly was like i have ed and i was like with women and he's like yeah and i was like dude i have news for you but you can only get a hard for your the person who looks literally exactly like your best friend He's like, yeah. And I was like, dude, I have news for you. Yeah, yeah.

You can only get hard for the person who looks literally exactly like your best friend. You can't get hard for other women. And no one else is like, what is he talking about? You're gay is what I'm saying. You're a homosexual man. There are those moments. But that's funny to me. Them not laughing at that. I'm like, that was crazy. But someone's just like one person on the line that wasn't funny i'm like fuck was it not funny fuck like when i say it i i can i can feel it more like that was funny

when i'm in a room whereas like online i'm like fuck maybe i'm maybe i'm crazy maybe i am maybe that wasn't funny i also think of it as like if i if i'm in person and I say some funny shit and it goes over your head, I'm like, oh, I don't really think this. But what's going through my head kind of is like I'm funnier than you. I'm smarter than you. You don't get it. You know what I mean? Like me and my buddy were having this conversation. We said some shit.

It went over your head. You know, whereas on the Internet, I'm like, I need to explain it to you because you clearly don't get it. You don't fucking understand it. What don't you understand about the joke here? Whereas in person, I'm just like, I don't know. Forget about you. Because I don't know why that is. You would think it would almost be the opposite.

In person, you would think you'd be like, oh, don't you get it? Yeah, exactly. I would 100% think that someone not laughing at me in person would hurt more. But it eats at you to the point that you're like what don't you fucking get yeah you know that's why some of those like i hate i hate to even admit some of the the the some of those phrases that get overused are like stupid but like when someone says you don't know ball i'm just like i hate you so much i fucking hate you you don't know ball i'm like oh and i know you mean that for real like you say to be funny fine but there are people you don't know

ball man i'm like i can't believe you haven't killed yourself yet i really i really don't but then it's like the jordan crying meme it's like as soon as they know that's all i'm gonna get in the next fucking six months now you know the internet's terrible place terrible terrible place how much do you think it'll how do you think you're you're on your way i'd say you're 50 of the way there what to oh good it was the episode you were gone i genuinely asked them can i get a flip phone i think you i because i was like we said no if you if you didn't have to

T9 text I would think you could but you can't do that again bro I kind of could because like most of my texts 90% 90% 80% are like to be sent like you said not even that yes that's 100% but are just like

yes no like, four words. I don't usually hit a second line of text. I think you would think more than you realize. And you're also forgetting how long it takes. I'd also – I'm a big ha-ha-ha guy. You wouldn't get those anymore. No, you'd get an H. I'm having a moment and I think I'm handling it well. But also the mere fact that I'm thinking about it like this probably means I'm not.

You've seen probably more than anybody how much I text and how many people are – like half the time it's just like shit that I have to handle or someone's upset or whatever. It's like I do a lot of networking and talking, so a lot of it is my own fault, but a lot of it is just like what now? What next? Like, how do I, you know, all that sort of shit. And, like, I usually, when I record, I will come back to, like, 25 text messages. I go to sleep at night. I wake up in the morning to, like, a bunch of text messages. And a lot of them will just be like, I go to bed at 11 o'clock.

I have a lot of friends who stay up until 2 in the morning. And they were fucking around sending shit. But also something, like, one or two that I have to reply to an email that I miss, whatever. And I, I am trying to like, even at work,

I'm trying to like, uh, have these meetings where we come up with ideas and then like, let other people do them. You know, usually I was like, how can I be involved? How can I help?

But I also want to be a part of it. I don't want to miss the boat. I'm like, I can help you as much as you want. I'll be in if you want. I don't have to be in, all that sort of shit. So I'm making steps towards having less responsibility because it was just crumbling. And it's kind of working.

But now I'm like, what do I do? Yeah, that's pretty nice. But I'm also, it should be nice, but I'm also a crazy person who like alone with my thoughts. Not being occupied, I need to like relearn how to do that again. Like I used to be able to just sit on the TV, sit on the couch and watch. I'm not very good at that anymore. I will admit that. Okay.

Is that an age thing you think? Probably. I used to be able to bang out 10 episodes. Oh, yeah. And then be like, that series is over. On to the next. Let's keep it moving, you think? Probably. I used to be able to bang out 10 episodes. And then be like, that series is over. On to the next. Let's keep it moving, you know? 100%. That's why maybe the video games is doing it for me.

Because I feel like I'm doing something, as stupid as that sounds. At least there's like an activity. You're thinking. It's a goal, whatever. But just sitting around now, I find hard to do. And I find I think too much. And then usually, I was like, all right, I got to fucking go handle this. Got to handle that.

And now I'm like, huh? Nobody texted me last night. And I'm like, okay, cool. Good. But then I'm like, what am I doing now? You know, or then I'll be like, all right, no, nothing is happening at work. Like, am I doing enough now? You know what I mean?

Like, then I go through, but it's all just like, I need to learn how to just be like yeah man it's all fucking fun none of this really matters but it is funny when it's like when you have a goal you have a work you have one job on this planet kevin's die and you're gonna do it eventually you'll get to it until then until then just fucking just hang on yeah yeah it's it's it's weird though when you want when you when you're like i wish this wouldn't happen and you work to make it not happen and then you achieve it and you're like oh no do i need that you want you you you get to a place there's not a lot going on it's nice you want to know what the biggest problem in my life is right now no because i love i i love this for you but i it just drives me nuts

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I'm going to go ahead and say not a lot. Oh, my God. You don't have a clue. I guess I don't. Do you know how much you pee on? Yeah. It's crazy. From a toilet or from a urinal?

From a toilet. It's insane. How are you standing on the toilet? Here's the kicker. This is how little I have to do. You measured it and shit? I've been doing this a lot recently. Oh, my God.

I've just been. John is at home doing pee experiments. It's not a pee experiment. I'm just peeing. And tracking the results? I don't have pants on. So, I'm just peeing. And tracking the results? I don't have pants on. So, I'm noticing... Are you talking about pissing on your pants?

Uh-huh. Wait, okay. Sorry, I'm interrupting. So, when you pee, usually, you're wearing pants. I'll call it 99% of the time, you got pants on. I've been hanging out pants-less recently. And you can feel it? You ever cook like bacon without a shirt on?

And you're like, oh shit, there's fucking grease everywhere. Yeah. Everyone go home tonight pissed with your pants off. He got pissed everywhere. I'm going to say this is a John thing. I think this is a you thing. I know I am. I am.

And it's a credit to you. Have you heard his stream? No. It's a fire hose. I'm sure. I'm sure there's weight in the toilet. I'm sure it's rough waves, snow caps in the toilet, wet caps in the toilet when John pees. I don't think – I'm going to go ahead and say I have like – because there's microscopic shit going on all the time like 0.01 p gets on bro and

when you fucking when i think you get like 10 on your legs and you're done it hits you like when when your dick goes back to the prone position yeah it just dribbles down your leg i mean back to the prone position when it's just flat again you're done peeing you're done shaking you'll walk away okay but you don't like dick still hold it up when there's no no no no no no no i i'm not okay i just pull it out but when i'm pantsless i just kind of stand over the toilet but what happens is you don't have the boxers to catch it so your dick's just fucking you're just dripping piss you don't you don't shake enough i'm shaking clod i don't think you do bro you know what I do

particularly when I'm pantsless because I'll just sit there and wag for a little while see the problem is the problem with this and I've thought about this with my son because I'm trying to

you know but I don't want to be weird you shouldn't shake it you gotta like toothpaste it almost you know what I mean no I do the whole thing I run the gamut.

But by the mere fact that we just say shake it, you know, I think people, like, that's not helping. You know? What's helping is, like, there's some fucking, there's a liquid left in this little tube, and you need to, like, get it out. If I gave you, like, a tube of something and said there's a little bit of liquid, would you just shake it? Or would you be like, all right, let me get it out of it? Honestly, probably. But, like, yeah, also, like, I'll shake, then I'll wag, then I'll pull. You do not need to be moving your hips, Sean.

It's like a bop it. I'll do a little bit of everything. And, like, it's just so much pee. Are you sure? Oh, you know what this probably is? See, the splashback. The splashback. Well, that's what's going to hit you below the knee.

Yeah. Now your shins. You've got to worry about your shins. You've got to worry about your thighs. But then it's going to – well, then you start to shake. The shake's going to go all quiet. Have you peed on your balls yet? No.

Oh, man. If you have a long ball day and a short dick day, it's a problem. Kind of like beads up and – No way. You walk around pissed on your balls? Bro, I just talked about how my legs are covered in piss all the time, and you stole my thunder. What the hell is that?

Have you ever had a long ball day and a short dick day? That drip at the end can catch a sproke. It's like the corner of a house on a rainstorm. That's what I'm trying to describe. Where it comes in and then drops. Where the fucking gutters are a little

off the kilter so it's just kind of like fall off the ground. It's funny you said that because I literally have that at my house and

sometimes I go that's what it looks like. I think, oh wait what was I going to say? You. Damn all those piss dogs getting me off the piss. I think you're not peeing enough. I don't think you're peeing out all the pee.

I think you have more pee left over in your dick and your bladder than you realize. I think you're underestimating how much time I stand there. I got nothing going on, bro. I told you. You guess so. When I piss, I'm never pissing in a hurry ever. I'll you're underestimating how much time I stand there. I got nothing going on, bro. I told you. You guess so. When I piss, I'm never pissing in a hurry ever. I'll chill. Just standing. Just standing, waiting for gravity to

do its thing. We had Ari here the other day. Don't catch me in the bathroom at a stadium. I got guys throwing beers at me. Yeah! Next up! Next up! They're doing the water fountain, tapping on the shoulder. 3, 2, 1. Ari telling us that he pees 8 times a night? I'm not kidding. I'll cash out. up next up they're doing the the water fountain tapping on the shoulder three two one are you telling us that he pees eight times a night i'm not kidding i'll cash out i mean i'm sure he's

exaggerating but that probably means multiple times a night is ari on the show today by the way oh we haven't aired that yet yeah okay perfect yeah ari's on the show today with uh steve ran and we were talking about getting old and he said he gets up at night eight times to pee ari on the one hand is prone to exaggeration also is very prone to just like tell you the absolute brutal truth so it might who knows it could be eight times but if it's more than like three or four even three four times four times you get up like i get up once a night to eat. That's it. For the first time ever in recent, like in the last year, let's say, I will get up. If I wake up from something else, I'll be like, oh, I have to pee.

You know what I mean? Something else is bothering me because I'm old. I'm in pain or whatever. I'm like, oh, shit, I got to pee. But, I mean, for 37 and a half years it used to be i pee sometimes i didn't even go before bed i would just fucking go to sleep and i don't know my bladder would just hold all that shit until i needed to pee the next morning now it's like oh yeah i gotta like think about like i gotta pee before bed if it gets to the point where it's like um i don't know i'll

take all the medication for that shit you see joe theismann promoting that shit you know no super beta max and all those things frank thomas promotes it you know i'm almost just like these guys can't piss what's talking about i get the ed stuff sure but you can't piss then you start to see the first signs of that and it's like oh wait a minute if it gets to eight times i i'd argue right now i piss too much you well you drink too much. You drown in water. Yeah. You're probably very healthy because of it, but you might cross over into these last 20 ounces are bad for you. It's crazy. It's a good problem to have.

This is my third liter of water today. I've had not a sip of water yet. That's crazy. I've had two and a half liters. It's 1030 in the morning. How much water have you had today, Peps? One liter. Wow.

Jackie? Three sips. Okay, you're more on my... Are you guys drinking other things? I mean, I had some milk with my cereal. Wait, wait, no.

I had a lot of water this morning. I probably had... Yeah, yeah, totally, totally, totally. Me and my super hot girlfriend from Canada had a lot of water. I forgot I chugged this morning i usually i what i really need is the the body armor delivered and not because i like i i actually hate how much i've said this before how much we need the bottles of water here and people freak out we don't have it but what it does for me is i just grab it it's just in the fridges when i walk by yeah and if i if i don't have that i don't i don't but usually when we get the

shipments i will slug body armor this shipment today okay why don't we just get a bigger shipment no kevin there's the million dollar question it's crazy it's like we get a monthly shipment that lasts two weeks every time someone say we need double uh the um but yeah it's one of those it's it is it's like i don't i don't like to work out we know i don't want to diet like just do the bare minimum and drink the substance that has no taste and no no nothing that makes your body run that fuels your life and i'm like no thanks god damn it you will do everything to harm your body won't you terrible um one more thing i did this weekend was i watched uh pete holmes a new special i love pete holmes is so fucking funny pete holmes also is getting uh i feel like a little edgier i would agree with that a lot of like when he was doing

those batman sketches have you seen those uh he has a great batman in those he's like cursing a little bit more and like talking shit a little more and i think he i don't know if maybe i don't know if he is intentionally or if i'm just noticing him more but he's been very funny recently but he has in his sketch uh i'm sorry in his in his special he talks about um how it's kind of dad bod-esque where he talks about guys who work out and he like talks to the woman in the crowd and he's like i'm what you want he's like because when a guy who's like jacked gets naked in front of you in a hotel room like enjoy that because that's the last time you're going to feel good. Like, he's like, I feel good at all times.

I'm soft. It's what he's arguing, all that. And, like, I do... Wait, feel good meaning, like, she feels good to, like, snuggle up against his soft body? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like I've heard girls say that. I have, too, but is that something you actually feel?

I can't imagine that. I just thought it was, like, an internet trope thing. Like, do you but is that something you actually feel? I just thought it was like an internet trope thing. Like, do you actually, like. Wait, what? Like, do you like. Like, if you're snuggling up against a guy and you, like, lay on his stomach and he has cut abs versus, like, you lay on, like, my fat stomach. You'd be like, oh, that's like a soft pillow versus, like, I like that better. I think it's like a.

I actually, like, recently, recently like have been talking to people. There's like the thick neck, thin neck theory. Have you guys heard that? No. Lay it on me. Where it's like, so girls who like a guy with a thick neck can't alternate between thin neck and thick neck.

But girls who like a guy with a thin neck both ways can go both ways yeah that makes sense um so it's kind of like taylor stuff like now that she's dating javas kelsey like she can't go back to a thin neck guy kind of thing so it's like like for me i like a thicker neck guy when in like i softer too you know wait that's the opposite though you can go both ways no but i'm saying like he doesn't need to be like jacked but like like i i like i tend to like just like bigger guys what is uh what like what is so what is a thick neck guy this is this is why you gotta speak up more okay this is very interesting okay um but it's kind of hard like i i don't really know exactly how to like describe because like

some guys are pretty in between in this case case, we're talking about Travis Kelsey. Yes. Because I think there's a Joe Rogan who's like- Joe Rogan's a thick-necked guy, right? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not talking about like- But I think of- But it doesn't have to be a thick-necked, just more like the skinnier guys.

I'm not for the skinnier guys. Timothee Chalamet does nothing for me. Right. I see. But I think the problem is we start talking in crazy extremes where it's like Timothee Chalamet does nothing for me. Right. I see. But I think, you know, the problem is we start talking in crazy extremes, where it's like Timothee Chalamet is one chromosome away from being, one little piece of DNA away from being a chick. Yes.

You know? And then some of the thick-necked guys aren't going to be like. He's one REM cycle away from being a chick, bro. One glass of Chardonnay for john and then like you know the rock is like a thick neck where it's just like you did you see that meme that i i think i sent it on instagram uh but no then now you saw or i tagged you on instagram it was uh the body type was like oh i did see the legs yeah that was like it doesn't have to be a thick neck. I would say Ryan Reynolds is a thick neck

guy. I would agree with that. I don't think that's a thick neck. Dude, Ryan Reynolds is a big dude. That's my point. I don't think The Rock and Ryan Reynolds are comparable. But Ryan Reynolds is 6'3", 220. But he doesn't...

I think of thick neck is, like, your personality behind it. Like, the people who are, like, their personality is that they're big. You know what I mean? Ryan Reynolds could have, like, the same career, whether he's 6'3", 225, or, like, 5'10", 186. Oh, disagree, sir. What does he do that, like, he needs to have, like, the body for? He's, like, the big hot dude in rom-coms.

He's not the big hot dude. He's like the witty, clever guy. No, but that doesn't play. Yeah, I mean, it's better to be good looking and all that shit, but his schtick is never like, he's not gosling in crazy stupid love, like, look at my abs. He's like, I'm going to tell a joke and make you laugh. Yeah, but they go hand in hand.

I think that's what I'm getting from the Thick Neck Theory. His personality is rather off-putting if he's a skinny little guy. Probably. It's endearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw somebody do an impersonator. Impressionist? Impersonator?

Whatever. He did Ryan Reynolds, and I didn't like it. It was spot on but it was that voice and and that like the eyes and the face i was like i i hate this yeah no it's right you gotta have ryan reynolds's structure to yeah to be ryan reynolds but i do get the idea that if you date like a uh a hip skinny hipster that you'll also go ahead and go fuck like a an athlete who's like yes ripped you know yeah but if you if your type is athletes and those guys those other dudes are gonna be a turn off to you yeah that makes yeah i get that but i get that i i get that it goes one way not

the other yeah because and this is why i think ultimately that the girls were like dad bod is better the all like the ultimate thing is like a guy who's in good shape you know and every girl whether you date that guy or like him every single day I don't know but you want to fuck that guy at some point you want to get tossed around uh and and then you might end up liking the musician the funny guy blah blah whatever so it doesn't go both ways but i'm not like looking for like a bigger guy like i'll take a ripped guy but like that's what i mean it's more like i mean settle for fucking travis but nobody like if if a guy if you meet a guy and everything clicks

and i mean you can kind of you can tell about people's bodies but when their clothes are on but you know let's say I don't know winter you're all bundled up whatever and the guy takes his shirt off and he's shredded you're like oh okay like fucking awesome you know whereas if he took off his shirt and he was like scrawny you would be like

eh I can work with this but you're not gonna be like good so that that I think is the crux of the thin neck thick neck but I also think that what has done, I think if you start out and you make thick necks your guy, you can't go the other way. But I think if you're like – I almost think you're scaring away thin necks. If you're known as the thick neck person, thin necks are probably like, I'm not even going to fucking try. I don't have a chance here.

Right, right. But I think Taylor Swift having a history with all the artsy guys can dip into this. And if she doesn't like it, can dip back. Yeah. But if like she did, like if all those other guys were thicknecks, I don't think there would be, you know, I don't think like Joe Alwyn or whatever would be like, I got a shot with Taylor Swift anymore. You know, you'd be like ah no fucking chance you know it's like if your type is

football players and basketball players I ain't approaching you girl I'm not gonna waste my time you know what I mean so that say what you need to say say what you need to say um but do you and this is sorry this is specifically Say what you need to say. But do you... Sorry, this is specifically

became a thing because of Taylor Swift or this is a thing that's just being applied to her? Yeah, so I think it's like because of Taylor Swift, people kind of figure it out. So I don't think the theory is fully fleshed out, as you said. Jackie, I thought that. I thought Jackie fleshed versus flushed last night.

She was like, we'll flush that idea out. I was we'll also we'll also flush it out but she goes are you sure and i was like yeah i'm pretty sure and then she she texted me yeah i looked it up it's right i know i know it's right that's not the correct term but okay we'll talk about it so like i don't think so like whenever i talk to people about it like nobody can fully decide like agree on who's considered thin neck and thick neck. So I'm looking right now and for sure Andrew Garfield would be thin neck. Yes. But Jake Gyllenhaal, I would say thick neck.

I would agree with that. The problem with these guys is they all – if you're a big-time actor, you've probably done both. Just look at that main picture. That's a thick neck. But also if you look at Jake Gyllenhaal,. That's a thick neck. But also, but if you look at Jay Gyllenhaal, like,

he went through a thin neck phase too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of these guys eventually are like, I'm going to do a Marvel movie and get on steroids. Yes, yeah, yeah.

So it's more, I bet you it's more a better... Gyllenhaal in particular seems to have a very thick neck though. He's... Yeah, he's probably a bad example where it's like,

if you can be a guy in an MMA movie, it's like, yes, you trained for like eight straight months and became this guy but there are certain guys that like could not even do that yeah so if you can even pull it off but you know there's probably it's probably more i bet you like musicians versus actors like there are probably music guys who are like i am going to be a skinny creative bassist my whole life and i'm never going to be that guy whereas he can be like i'll be you know i'll be in the romantic movie and i'll also be the fucking rock star or the the fighter i mean he's look at

that look at his fucking arms and that huge yeah um but you but that's something you know i'm trying to decide something for myself like i've never you're a thick neck boy oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, when I'm trying, like, I've never. Just to be clear, you're thick neck. Like, I'm back on Pete Holmes, where he's like, Pete Holmes is thin neck. Feels different, like, with a different person. I like. Yeah.

I mean, I've heard that enough that they're either lying or they believe that. But I'm thinking with women, like, I guess I'm sure I have a type and most women I'm with are similarly sized. I've never been with someone where I'm like, oh, this person's got a hard body. This person's got a soft...

Yeah, you just fuck hot bitches, bro. Chicks, like... Yeah, we're men. We're shallow. Chicks don't have... I think women in general don't have much muscle mass anyway, so it's not like I'm noticing a ton of difference. It's kind of like skin to skin, baby. I do think as much as I'm laughing about that, there is a level of like guys who have a certain type. A girl I think can hook up with a fat guy and a skinny guy and an in-shape guy.

They kind of – it's a spectrum. Yeah. Where guys can do that. There are dudes who will, like, fuck anything. But if you're asking, like, what do I like, it's like you have a type. Yeah. My sister, though, like – my sister likes, like, a cut guy. Like, she wants a guy who, like, goes to the gym, like, twice a day.

Hey, pass her my number, you know? Yeah, like, I think there are people who – Kevin, stop drinking water. I'm not the leader of morning. Power at me. eight pass are my number you know yeah like i i think there are people start drinking water i think it's more it also does become like a personality thing where it's like you know it's like who you are almost one way or the other yeah you know but i i mean i've heard people be like yeah i don't want to like lay on you. And it's like sharp and hard. But that's with muscles. I think it has skinny people with like bony, like a jacket. Unless the guy's flexing at all times.

I feel like, yeah, you're still like on a stomach. You're still on. But I mean, again, that's why we're talking about the extremes of it. You know, but also it's like, so for the, it's like, I don't know. I guess most of the time you're sitting on the couch and you're not fucking and you're not hanging out with your shirt off and all that stuff. So maybe you want somebody squishy for, because the majority of the time she's a word Pete used.

Yeah. Maybe that's the majority of the time you're doing. What you're doing is squishy stuff. So you want squishy. But to me, it would be like, I don't know. It's okay. I'll put a pillow over your stomach. I'll figure out this problem of your body being too sharp for me.

I don't know. For the record, any time you're touching my stomach, I'm not breathing anyway. Dude, a woman lays on me. I'm like, get the fuck off me so I can literally breathe. It's also just like bottom line like like you said kevin like uh like you just want to be like in the not even like a sexual way but just like tossed around you know yeah yeah yeah it's not like about like the cut yeah i think girls want to feel small they want to be like protected they like that they i mean that you know again speaking in stereotypes and shit it's like the same reason you want to get choked and slapped and thrown around sexually but also in real life

it's like girls don't want to put on heels and be taller than you they don't want to have to you know they want you to open the jar they like the little you know that that sort of shit i think is and if you have a true thin neck it's like yeah you cry more than me dog i dog. I can't have that. We can share clothes the real way. Yeah, that's not good. You don't want that. Voicemails? Voicemails. These bad layers right here, they are presented to you by the one, the only, Pirate Water.

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Make sure you follow and tag at Pirate Water in your post for a chance to be reposted what does jake bass have to say this you probably already covered this but i just started listening i guess probably like eight years ago i don't know oh wait can you stop this real quick i want to say i forgot to say something funny about the pee conversation. So in my notebook, I just write down things I find interesting,

whatever they happen to be. And I wrote down last night, I took a pee, and I wrote down... Piss on your legs? You're going to want to bring this up on the show. This is something you're going to want to tell a lot of people about the pee thing. And the thing I have written above it is so funny.

I was just reading a book and there was a quote that I found interesting so I just wrote it down. I never go back and read these, but I just write it down. I don't know. So, back to back in my notebook i'm gonna read the p1 first it just says ever pee without pants on and then the thing i thought interesting before that was make no little plans they have no magic to stir men's blood I finished writing

I was like That was a weird back to back You had to be super stoned for that No I think that's a cool quote Make no little plans They have no magic to stir men's blood Make no little What?

I'm not an idiot here. That's crazy, right? Why? I'm surprised. We got another 10 minutes now. You expected everyone to be like, whoa. No, not whoa. I thought it would be like, that's funny back to back. You don't think that's a good quote?

I don't understand it yet. Can you break it down? Make no little plans. Don't just say the quote again. Make big plans. Yeah yeah think grand okay okay because little plans have no magic to stir men's blood they don't get people excited it doesn't get it doesn't get the juices flowing it's a pretty simple quote now i got it yeah yeah it's a really basic quote yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. I think that sounds – you don't talk that way. No one talks that way.

It was said in the 1890s. Yeah. Oh. Wait, is that you? No, I didn't write it. That's what I'm saying. No, I said I was reading a book and I read something and I liked it. Oh, I thought you wrote that down.

I said all this. That's what – I thought you were like – No I said all this. That's what I thought you were like. No. Where did you hear it? I read it in a book, The Devil in the White City. It's about the World's Fair in Chicago in 1892. John's getting old fast, bro. What the fuck?

John's getting old fast. What was that? Dude. Fast. fast what was that dude fast my man is gonna be dead by next month I'm gonna make this more interesting you read World's Fair books in one minute you dead the next bro you're fucking gone

now you're aging fast you're right with the description I just gave you that is an accurate response to the description I just gave you that is an accurate uh response to the description i just gave you however the book is actually about it's about both it's about chicago getting the world's fair and all that in it starts like 1888 i was like he's gonna give us real details he's's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. It's going to get good. Hang on. It's all worth it. So alternating chapter, every other chapter is about the architects who built this World's Fair, Burnham and Root.

And then the other chapter is about America's first serial killer who was murdering during this thing. He built a murder castle and was just fucking in chicago this is yeah in in he it was around the same time as jack the ripper and he's considered america's first serial killer hh holmes um and he is hh holmes he is triple h that's diabolical how come he doesn't get the love how come it's jack the ripper that's what uh i was talking about with my dad just yesterday i was like dude like this dude i'm only like 100 pages in, but this dude, he's a killer. He's like, bad guy.

H.H. Holmes. He's probably a thick neck. No, little fella. Thin neck. Little fella, yeah. It's one or the other if you're going to be murdering people. You're either big and imposing or you're like a little bitch. you have gorgeous blue eyes though fill the room with blue i'm sure that's why girls fuck them this you probably already covered this but i just started listening

i guess probably like eight years ago i don't't know. Look how far apart his eyebrows are. Maybe I missed it. So when I was in college, I got real fucked up and ended up in a cab. It took me back to my parents' house, which was an hour and a half away from where I was initially. It became kind of the story of my life. People still remember me from that. Grew up in the Midwest, so that might be why. But I'm really just curious if you guys have any stories.

I know Fights definitely does. He's told several of those on his own thing. But what kind of stories, specifically you, KFC, if you have any kind of stories that would relate to that, of basically just waking up and like, where the fuck am I kind of moment? It is a funny genre of stories, because if you want to be an asshole about it,

it's like none of them are interesting. It's like one time I was supposed to go to sleep here and I woke up there. But they're like the best to tell. Like everybody does tell them like, dude, I got on the train, fell asleep, went to the end. I fell asleep going. What's good for if you live where we live, Grand Central is the last stop. So like, if you're going in, you're fine, but you get drunk and you gotta go back home.

And then that's where the problem runs in. And I remember waking up on Metro North. The bell was ringing for like the door, like closing. And I, I jumped off the train and I was like, like nailed it. Like body, body must have known like perfect timing. It's like 40 stops. I just happened to wake up when the bell was ringing, but it was not even fucking close to my. And I always remember that story because I, it was, I was still like in high school, maybe.

Maybe early college. And I couldn't get home. Like, and nowadays you just be like, I don't know. I'll call like one of the 5 million services. Yeah. But like every car service that was local, all the cab services had closed up for the night. I eventually, I called like a limo service and this, they had to wake this guy up in the middle of the night. And they were like, this is going to be like a $200 fee and they had to wake this guy up in the middle of the night.

And they were like, this is going to be like a $200 fee because we're waking this guy up. And he drove me like an hour home from Connecticut to get back to New York. And I was like, otherwise, I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do right now. It was the fucking winter. I was out of fucking. Can you imagine someone calling you and being like, you got to get this drunk guy right? Right. What's crazier is that like it had occurred yeah that they did it i guess i mean maybe it was even more money than i'm remembering it was like 500

whatever it was i was like i'll just pay whatever dude otherwise i'm gonna fucking freeze on this track and connect like what and that's not that long ago no you know to be like like i if you're young you probably never even like fathom a world where, you know, like, the worst thing that might happen is, like, you're at, like, a festival and all the fucking Ubers are taken or whatever. You know what I mean? But, like, to just be, like, there is no transportation. I guess I could just get back on a train and go back in. But, like, I don't know when the next one is. It was cold.

It was late. I, like, won't go to a place. I'm, like, born. I'm, like, if I don't have an exit plan. I'm not going. Yeah. If it's going to be remotely difficult. If I'm going to a place. I'm born. If I don't have an exit plan. I'm not going. Yeah. If it's going to be remotely difficult. If I'm going to be trapped.

That story you explained the other day, getting off the subway for the parade. Yeah. I was thinking about it the rest of the day. I was like, hmm. Dude, the... I don't have too many of those, though. I was a pretty responsible... I was the one who would get home and shit like that.

I very... There was one night specifically where I was out of control drunk, pretty responsible like i was the one who would get home and shit like that i'm very there was like one night specifically where i was like out of control drunk and i was like mortified the next day where i was like if i didn't have like good friends who took me home i would probably be like in jail right now i don't even know but otherwise i was always the one time i woke up i've told this a million times on mail time i woke up in the back of a volvo at the jersey shore when they have one they have those houses where they all have half houses. It's like 100 and a half.

And they all shared this driveway inward. So the inside became like this courtyard. So there's a bunch of cars and a bunch of people pass out. And I woke up in a back of a Volvo with a gigantic seagull on the fucking moon roof, just like poking at it. I was like, what is going going on it was like 8 000 degrees it was so hot in there i opened the door and like fell out of it like birds were flying away and shit it was probably quite the scene i spent i slept in a lot of cars

in my day and they are a cozy place at 3 a.m. Yeah, buddy. Once that sun gets a glare in. And you're drunk enough to sleep through the first, like, you know. Usually the sun will wake you up. But if you sleep from, like, 7 to 8, you get, like, an hour of sunlight in the car. You park a car and you run in and get some. You come out.

It's hot. You know? A full, like, hour or more of that shit just baking up. You'll die in that shit. You might as well be asleep in a microwave i saw i i've actually seen a meme i think it says or it was a sign maybe i think it said 74 degrees outside is 94 in your car really it was for dogs and babies like don't forget your dogs and babies so that's 74 if it's like hot out you're dead factor meals

baby let me tell you you were going to see some videos during Surviving Barcelona where I'm just putting down factors everyone's out there jibber jabbering trying to figure out who's voting who I'm in the kitchen I'm in the kitchen all the time

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everybody in the mix. What's going on? Mike from Long Island. So I was just watching a video on TikTok Everybody in the studio, behind the works, everything, chicken heads, everybody in the mix. What's going on? Mike from Long Island. So I was just watching a video on TikTok of Mark and Brandon Walker talking about how, like, what a great idea would be to limit the amount of, like, honks on a horn people use, like, per year. I think it's a great idea coming from somebody who hasn't had a horn on their o4 camry in um about say about like two years doesn't have a horn we're not gonna say that that's hypothetical just because of you know certain restrictions um yeah the police are gonna come knock but you know like what is something else that you think we could I think we need

wait real quick Jackie I can't believe it you can't be hot you can't possibly be cold I'm fucking frigid get the fuck out I wasn't gonna say it cause I was like I don't wanna just do this whole thing again

but I'm so happy you spoke up I am like to the touch right now, a thousand degrees. This whole time I've been like, I cannot believe how much I'm sweating. I was thinking about, I was like, I can't believe he's in a sweater right now. I am dying. It's a good, by the way, strong fit. Thank you, thank you. But just like for the wrong temperature.

For the wrong region of the country. Wait, I'm like, I'm like, like my hands are like purple right now. Get the fuck out of here. Is it different over there? There is that, see that thing blowing. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh my God. Oh, what? Do we need to just move the couch? It's like so much better over here. You can feel a full blown breeze. Look at that thing blowing in the wind. Oh, this is lit. Oh, I thought that you were

concerned for me over here. You're jealous of me. I'm jealous. We just move you over here and us over there. The whole problem's fixed. It's a sauna over here. Anyway, I was going to say the limiting, the limit is not what we should do to the horns.

I think we need to diversify horns. I think I mentioned this the other day. But if you had – and you would really have to trust the people because you have to make sure that people don't abuse it. But if you had five horns a year that were like, this is my emergency horn, and your car is programmed to make this noise only five times like a siren or whatever. And then when that's done, that's done. So if you want to be a dick and use it on a night where it's not really an emergency, well, then, like, when, you know, your wife's having a baby,

you're fucked. But you have a horn that says, it talks to you, basically. Why does it just have to go, ah? Why can't it be like, I need to move over. I need to move right. I need to move left. Hey, can you let me in? Like, you know what I mean?

But it's like, like. There's no communication. There's plenty of communication with a horn. You don't have to touch move right. I need to move left. Hey, can you let me in? Like, you know what I mean? But it's like... There's no communication. There's plenty of communication with the horn. You don't have to touch it right. I agree with you. I know what you're doing. A little... Yeah, I get it.

We got those horns. We got... But it's a lost art. Yeah. It's a lost art. I obviously, living in New York, I don't understand here. And it's not as bad as it once was. But I remember as a kid being like, what the fuck is happening?

The light goes green for one second. Yeah. And you think I'm not trying to go? There's a fucking truck in front. I'll still hear it occasionally here. It has gotten much, much better. There's the laying on it. People like 10 cars back honking what are you

doing that i i understand what those people are doing at least where it's like they're in a rush they see that it's a green light what they can't see because they're 10 cars back is that there's gridlock but on what planet would you think that the person driving isn't hoping to drive i agree i agree but there are times where i'm like you are behind me, and I know we can see the same thing. Yeah. What the fuck are you honking at? You know? I at least understand those people maybe can't see what's going on.

Like, do you think someone got in their car and were like, I'm going to drive to the corner of 33rd and 7th and take a nap? And just sit there? Yeah. They're fucking trying to go somewhere, too. I'm sure none of this works, though. Because even, let's say I have my horn that says like like uh you know i'm in a rush i need to get here like please let me go to the right there's going to be a response horn that's like fuck you no it's road rage i'm just i'm talking about making road rage into horns

but limiting limiting horns might be also just a way like in general you only get a few honks so make them count. It's not a bad idea. The limiting the horn makes sense. Maybe also, what else? I think limiting your, and I mean, I limit myself to zero, but limiting people's talk back at a bar, at a restaurant, sending things back, complaining to the manager. Like, you are allowed to do it. You are allowed to do it, but you get to do it a couple times a year.

I think you should get it once a year. Maybe, yeah, fine. Once a year. If they really fucked it up, you really have a gripe, fine. But people who constantly complain, people who are always like, I'm not going to tip because of this or that,

those people need to be limited somehow, some way. I'm 35 years in, I'm at zero. So because of this or that. Those people need to be limited somehow, somewhere. I'm 35 years in. I'm at zero. So one year is plenty. Yeah. We actually like to play a game. My family is the – I'm not sure other people do this, but can you get your full order without getting the waitress or waiter to ask a question? So just give them everything they need

and fucking, so they can move on. Love that. So like right off the bat, you just go like, I want a burger with fries, medium, cook well, with a Coke, boom, done. Yeah, yeah. Just, I thought that when you said limit talkback, I thought you meant like the-

That could be cool too though. Like you need to be able to communicate everything. But that also- Get your whole message out and move on. Like to ask it to like it's like they how they remember it almost you know what i mean yeah but if you can just be like bam bam bam bam bam oh next we would save seconds at a time they should teach that in communication class yeah this is tell everyone all the information they need you know the world in general communications, it's just convey. Brevity is the soul of wit, right, baby?

Convey what you need in the fewest words possible. Always. Always. I guess that's not totally true of writing, though. Sometimes you want to fucking get off the track and mosey along with it. But when it's just informational, let's go. All right, that's it for voicemails. Now it is time for one of my favorite people.

A man who took $2,000 out of his pocket and attempted to give it to me. If I kept that, do you think he'd let me keep it? Were you in here for that? Oh, yeah. I think so, too. I should have kept that $2,000. I think it was given in earnest. And when I pushed back, which I did in earnest as well, he was like, fine, fuck it.

It was the appropriate exchange of I'm going to pay you, me going no, him accepting okay. That is, you know, like when the bill comes out, no, let me chip in. No. Okay. And it was actually a very classy, I'll say, classy exchange right there between me and Ari Shafir.

So he did. I will stop saying that he owes me $2,000 because he did attempt me to pay back the $2,000, which I rejected. He's the man. I love Ari so much. Ari and Steve Ranzisi on KFC Radio. Now go see them if you are in the Midwest. They are on tour. Are you going on tour on a bus?

Oh yeah, we're're gonna do a bus tour i honestly have to the kneeling but it's a much better story i am surprised the direction she's taking i thought it was going to be a one and done show up. But she's showing up now like a cheerleader to the varsity game. We were just talking about it before you guys. Are we recording? Yeah, we're good.

We were just talking about it. Yeah. I think she – I thought it was going to be one and done. Then when it wasn't, I was kind of like, all right, whatever. I think she's starting to toe the line of like people are going to get sick of it but i think she's too big now where it won't matter like she's a master promoter yeah like she'll know like what was it i don't know five six whatever years ago where people were like taylor swift is like a little bit weird a little phony she's annoying kind of thing is that not yours you can just throw her

yeah she's a little phony. Taking your business calls. Fucking bitch cunt. Go call your assistant that you probably hired in the meantime. Just taking calls in conference rooms on your own here. Literally, I text him. I'm like, I'll be right back. I got a new call. I'm at the bar across the street. He's like, I'm in a conference room taking calls.

I was like, all right. Such an asshole. If you do anything disgusting. Dude, that, I don't, that was, first of all, that was a lot of fake tape on that. What? I don't believe that many of that things happen. People told me, my mom told me about, about poop. Well, it came from your asshole.

It's not like me at all. That's an unbelievable story. Blood and poop. Dude, if you do anything disgusting, he's coming. It'll be in a second. Fair enough. I think, like, the handshake with Brittany Mahomes And like Yeah

Wearing the colors She just adopted it so fast So fast If it was like five or six years ago People would be like She's such a try hard Yeah I think she has just

Ascended to a level where We might say that about her But it just doesn't matter anymore The other surprising thing to me Was that Brittany Mahomes Embraced her Not that she has to be embraced I thought it was gonna be

That girl fucking Brittany Mahomes Is what Yes Wants to be with Taylor Swift But that's going to be... That girl fucking can't. Brittany Mahomes is what wants to be Taylor Swift. That's what I'm saying. So like, if you watch the Netflix documentary, you could tell she tried so hard

to be like, hey, I'm just going to be America's sweetheart. Yeah. And now you're going to love me. But it doesn't come off genuine. Whereas Taylor Swift, it's so authentic.

And so I thought it was going to be like a thing where you're like, well, well, well, look who's here. Mean girls almost. And it might still get there. I think a thing where you're like, well, well, well, look who's here. Mean Girls almost. And it might still get there. I think Brittany Mahomes is definitely like, oh, my God, please like me, please like me. Because if Taylor Swift gives you the steal of approval, like all of the Swifties love you.

It doesn't matter if the NFL hates you. That dude from 1975 made a stupid joke about her name. It was like, what is she, like an Eskimo Spice Girl? And it was like, that's racist. And it's like she's not – it's just like they're all so dumb and then taylor swift had to go no you're amazing that was wrong ice spice is the perfect example of uh she she got so big so fast yeah she has no fucking clue how to perform so like her songs might be catchy i don't like them but people like them i She might learn it. But she gets on stage, and it's like,

all she can do is shake her ass, which I kind of respect. We just started. Well, we started to have a... You already hit Taylor Swift. Yeah. What's up, man? How you doing, Steve?

We just started talking about Taylor. I was like, we might as well say it on the microphone. We were just saying how Brittany Mahomes is probably... Brittany Mahomes is what Taylor Swift was. She's an influencer taylor swift yeah that that's that's kind of the essence of it she's the real deal taylor swift like as i i was saying like i feel like britney homes want mahomes wants to be the off like the america's sweetheart and she's not yeah taylor swift completely authentic we

were saying earlier that i think i think tay her as a heat check where she's like, I can make everything so fucking awesome. If I can touch Brittany Mahomes. If I can touch Jackson and Brittany Mahomes and make them liked. Jackson Mahomes, I think, is the lost cause. He's lost. He's like the Scott from the Kardashians. Yeah. I mean, I think that's even – that guy got a raw deal because he – yeah, Scott.

Is that his name, Scott? Disick. Oh, no. I'm thinking the other one. Rob. I'm thinking of Rob. Rob. That guy got a raw deal.

He's blood. He was just like a little bit – he was a guy and he was a little bit overweight and the girls were like, get the fuck out. They like outcast him from the family. The one who married in and then when they were going to dump him, he was like, I'm going to leave a hot load inside my girlfriend so I'm not written off the show. Smart man. Rob got sent home from, I think,

Kim and Kanye's wedding because he was fat. Wow. They can't be here. You can't go. They don't want to watch awkward male years. They were in,

I think, Paris to get married and he couldn't fit in like a Valentino suit so they just kicked him out. Get a tailor. No, dude. Not in Italy. There's no tailors in Italy. I don't have Italian tailors. in like a Valentino suit so they just kicked him out get a tailor no dude let him out a little

there's no tailors in Italy I don't have Italian tailors no but do be fair those tailors are like we don't know how to make clothes for fat people yeah they don't know

you fat Americans we don't have enough fabric for you fat fucks husky fatso yeah that's do you remember when Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift

and she handled it that's when she won everybody over where he was like fuck you you should have been Beyonce and she was like. So that's when she won everybody over, where he was like, fuck you. It should have been Beyonce. And she was like, uh. Yes. Which is all you can do when a psychopath grabs a microphone.

You're like, all right. What was she supposed to do, grab it back or some shit? She was like, uh. She kind of handled it the same way Chris Rock did. She kind of just, yeah. So maybe it took her. Did you guys see that? Her lead?

A crazy person just came on stage. That was nuts. I heard a little more now that, because Jada Pickett has just been everywhere telling everybody all their business. And we needed it. The country needed it more. Yeah, everyone was – We needed distraction. The world was asking for it.

Yeah. I heard that Chris Rock tried to hook up with her and like – No. I heard that he called her and was like, yo, I heard you are no longer with Will. Can I take you out to dinner? And she was like, no, no, no, we're still married. When was this? I don't know.

Pre or post? Pre. Pre. Pre. Post would be gangster. I'm glad this is all blown over. Now that the dust has settled, can I please take you out to dinner? Dude, if that was a special, he was like, listen, so you guys all know about this, but I fucked your wife.

Oh, my God. That would have been sick. That would have got a picture on it. Who's a bitch now? That would have saved that special. I jizzed in her butt. I didn't get into her butt. I just got up to the point of it and spread it and then jizzed into it.

Oh. This was apparently pre, and it was like respectful. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. I heard you guys were split up. And he was right. And he was like respectful. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. I heard you guys were split up. And he was right. And he was right. But that was the whole point. She was like, well, we are, but we're not.

So I'm thinking Will Smith, she probably tells him that. Whether or not they're broken up officially or not, you hear that this guy's calling and trying to fuck my wife. And then you're talking shit. I don't know. I can now at least sort of see where it came from. But still, it's like you don't even live with her, though. She had the quote that said, we haven't called each other husband and wife in seven years.

She said she was surprised about that. Isn't it funny when fame goes away, and for women, unfairly, it goes away faster, and it's just like, I need them looking up to me. And they're not. So she's like, let me just do the drama route. When was she famous like i i think i missed jada fink it's like window like i think she's very popular with black people i don't think she's as popular with white people but what was the thing i'm trying to think

of her big thing yeah what was it that's the thing the red table talk is like her yeah but that's not even like she was in movies but she was never never the leading woman. Was she in Empire? No. But that's later. That's just racism. I feel like I'm trying to think of the – Let's just name black women. I know. This is terrible.

This is terrible. She was precious, I thought. She gained weight for precious. She was precious. She was great in that. The white monster. Let's look up her IMDb. I know she was in the movie Set It Off in like 95.

God, I hope she was in Empire Now. Just one episode. That's Miss Pat. She got an EP. I told you. What is the big thing? Oh, she was in The Matrix. She was one of the weirdos in The Matrix.

I never saw that. You never saw The Matrix? I saw the first one when I was a kid. It's pretty good. It's pretty well known. Yeah, she was in The Matrix Revolution, Scream 2, Collateral collateral she was like a young like those are that's her known for yeah i'm trying to think like that like yeah it has to be something

big bigger that like we were all like oh this is the year jada did this dude can i just give props to chris rock for not getting an outright how dare you rejection like if you ask a hot woman a hot well-known woman out if you or me did it they'd be like what they wouldn't be i'm actually with somebody right now that implies i would but i can't well chris rock has like i remember as a kid he had one of my like favorite jokes when he's talking about was it jermaine Dupri was dating Janet Jackson? Yeah. And he was like, and you hear that, and you realize, wait, I had a shot the whole time? Yeah.

Chris Rock took that personally. From now on, I was like, anytime I think someone's hot, I'm just calling them up and telling them. Wow. He had a story, Jermaine Dupri, I just saw on Instagram. He was making, he made a lot of songs with Usher, and he was making I Think You Got It Bad in the studio, and Michael Jackson was using the same studio,

and they, like, called up and were like, hey, like, Michael needs the studio. And they were like – you know, there was a – they were double-booked, I think. Jermaine Dupri, but I rented it. So then – and they said, like, Michael – we're sorry, Jermaine Dupri rented the studio. And he said, who is that? And by that point, I mean, you know, Jermaine Dupri is not Michael Jackson, but Jermaine Dupri has had like a million hits. He doesn't want to hear that. He wants to think, oh, okay, I respect him. I want to schedule more.

I tell him I really need it. I respect his work. I love this song. Instead of who's that. That's a tough one. That hurts a lot. But yeah, Jada, I really don't see this. So that's why he fucked his sister?

Wait, Chris Rock fucked? No. Will Smith fucked Jada's? Oh, I know. Oh, yeah, no, she was just fucking. Yeah, they were just dating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, at that point. Like, he was like, I'm going to go get.

You don't know who I am? You're going to remember my name. Oh, yes, yes. That's right. I got completely lost. You don't know who I am? You're going to remember my name. Oh, yes, yes. I got completely lost. You remember my name now, bitch. Hey, happy Thanksgiving, Michael. I came to your sister's mud. I didn't even realize that.

Yes, 100%. What are the other Jackson brothers' names? I think they're all dead, I think. Jermaine Tutu. Dad, Mom. Tutu. Tutu is not one of them. The Bishop Desmond Jackson.

You know what she is? Really? I'm looking. She is just kind of like a Rev Run, like a journeyman. Like she is. She was in Mike Magic Mike. She was like that pimp.

Yeah. I mean, I've seen that a hundred times to Jimmy Kimmel. No, not Jimmy Kimmel. Carson Daly, the Tara Reid. She seen that a hundred times. Who was the one that was engaged to Jimmy Kimmel? No, not Jimmy Kimmel. Carson Daly. Tara Reid. She's like a Tara Reid.

She was kind of getting big. Yeah, but Tara Reid, you can go right away to, what's the big one? Van Wilde. Van Wilde. You know, like one. I was about to say the wrong movie. I was about to say American Pie. You know, like American Pie.

Wait, no, no, no. She's in American Pie too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, that was, people forget Tom Brady dated know, like American Pie. Wait, no, no, no. She's an American Pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, that was – people forget Tom Brady dated Tara Reade. No way. Wait, what? Before he became like –

He's got a good – Before Seahorn's wife? Wait, no, that's – Yeah. Yes. Bridget Moynihan? Bridget Moynihan. Is she going to be a baby with her?

To Seahorn? Oh. I think so. Really? Now – I didn't know that. I was starting to think well-known athletes are just into good looks. Yeah, Brady and Tara Reid were running around like Boston's Faneuil Hall in like 2004.

Really? Yeah. Tara Reid. Yeah, they used to have a comedy club there. Yeah, the Connection. That is – You get fought in a lot of fights. Faneuil Hall, unless you want to get punched in the face, at least when I used to live there, you just don't watch the Faneuil Hall. I was open there for Rogan, and there was a Yankees-Red Sox playoff game,

and it was like seventh inning. And they were like, the show's going to start. They're like, no. No, it's not. Yeah. No, it's not. I was like, that's probably for the best. It was the only time I rooted against the Yankees because I'm like,

I just need a good crowd. I just need them happy. Yeah, what year was that? I think we were up 2-0, so I was like, okay, we could lose one. You jump up on stage in Boston after a playoff loss to the Yankees and say you're a New York Yankee fan. I'm here from New York. You get fucked up, literally.

Those are the days you probably would get beat up for that. Yeah, and I agree. At least like a punch to the face. There's something like, no, you deserve it. Yeah, yeah. You should keep your mouth shut after a big – Dude, the craziest shit I've ever seen in the sports fandom, I was at Fordham in 03, my freshman year.

So I was like, new to college, and I was like, what is this going to be like? It's first semester, playoff baseball. And it was, I think, the Yankees or Red Sox won the divisional round, so the ALCS was set. They haven't even played yet, but it was just like, we know what we're going to play. And there's a lot of Boston people at Fordham, I guess. and they met outside in like the quad if you will like it was from a fucking

movie like two factions and it was like we like fuck the yankee like they were just cheering back and forth and i watched one guy somebody had a broom out and i was like we're gonna sweep you never good and a guy grabbed it and cracked it over his his leg and i was like okay this is starting to percolate. And then I watched this dude with the broken broomstick. He ran, like, behind the Red Sox crowd, ran through it, and jumped into the Yankee crowd, like, swinging the broom. And it was just an all-out brawl.

It was awesome. I was like, this is everything. Not even, like, the pass. This is everything that sports fandom should be like. Violent. Yes, I love it. Let's go. They used to do bat day at Yankee Stadium.

And they would play on bats. They used to give out fucking bats. I just mistake. You got to do that against like the A's where no one really cares. And then they were like, wait a minute. This isn't a good idea. Let's give the bats on the way out. So now the parking lot in the South Bronx is flooded with people that have just lost

the game now with a baseball bat. There's always stories of minor league baseball teams anytime they've done dollar beer nights. If you read up on it, there's a couple ones that they all did dollar beer night, and it's like it was like the walking dead. Like people were puking, fighting, fucking, scratching, clawing. You get that many people together. The problem is everybody's a little bit Jewish. So you give them that dollar

beer, they're like, I'm getting my money's worth. You don't need to drink 15, but yes, I do, because it's $15 tonight. I got to get my money's worth. It's been probably a whirlwind for you the last couple weeks, huh? Oh, with the Jews?

Yeah, with the Jews. You know, the Jews. The problem is as a collaborator with the other side, like the finances have been great, but fucking actually cut that out. I don't know what I'm allowed to say yet. If this comes out in a couple days, you're good. But the next offensive.

I just try to – I don't look at any of that stuff Do you really not? I would figure I mean I would I would understand If you don't like Talk about it a lot But I would figure

You would be very invested Haven't seen a picture Haven't seen a video Really? It doesn't do you any good No I agree with that Not even the ones I sent you? Is this your cousin?

Do you see the Chappelle I guess he talked about Israel-Palestine a little bit At a show the other night Yeah And I'm doing bits about it for sure

Oh yeah Oh yeah it's great in a live show But people walked out So I think the Hollywood Reporter Or whatever Did a story on it And I read it And it was like

Chappelle's people Or whatever However they phrased it Said he wasn't even in Boston That night And I was like oh that's interesting like it must have been like a small pop-up show so i googled it he did it at td garden yeah so they're just trolling now they're just like he wasn't even there he wasn't

even there sold 20 000 tickets he was headlining 18 000 people that was a hologram they use a hologram for him also fake story we go people walk walk out It's like Chappelle does like three hours Sometimes people are like Hey I got babies I gotta go That's not a walk out It's time for me to leave It's time to go

Also if like two people Get up and walk out That's not the story Imagine If the audience left Then it's a story If there's one couple That's offended

Like that probably happens At every Of every one of them People get upset If the kind of bloggers Wrote that, the way they do about sports, wrote about sports the way they do about that, it would be Michael Jordan missed three shots today. Yes.

Right. I saw him take a bad one that was heavily guarded and another one that was pretty open he should have hit. He finished with 69. Exactly. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, out of 18,000 people, if 100 walk out, you're in the whole thing. If 100 walk out of my show,

the whole show's gone. But also, my feeling is you want a couple people walking out. You want to be on the line. Especially at that point in your career,

like, what do you get? You don't get anything out of everybody just laughing. It's like you want a little, you want to test the balance. You want to have it. When people walk out angry,

everyone else is like, oh, we're seeing something. We drew a line, they crossed it. In this tour, I'm going on a tour with steve november oh yeah i promise you a minimum or an average of three people for show i was gonna say walk out do you i i would assume you know what you're getting into yeah i mean yes i wouldn't have said yes had i not but um like i i'm not gonna walk

anyone i don't think but i i'm just saying i'm gonna count the walkout in general i can't think of things. I'm not going to walk anyone, I don't think. But I'm going to count the walkouts. In general, I don't think I can think of anything worse than touring with Ari Shaffir. I'm going to be on a bus, too. We've never done it. On stage? On a bus? Yeah. Phenomenal.

On a bus? Yeah. With Ari Shaffir for what I'm assuming is a couple months in many, many cities? It's a lot of – it's 15 days. Chicago. Dude, he comes here for two hours at a time and terrorizes the place. I know. Well, I asked him last night.

I was like, hey, we're doing some theaters and some comedy clubs. And he's like, you know, because he said, you know, we'll just shower at the venues because I'm like, all right, great. But I'm like, comedy clubs don't have showers. He's like, oh, all right. We got to figure out what to do those days i'm like yeah because we have to still shower those days so what's your bus when you say bus what do you mean i don't know it's like a bus i've never seen it i think it

does have a shower is it like an rv i think no i think it's a bus and i think it has a shower but i don't know how much do you have endless water supply to shower i I like to take 30-minute showers. I bet you a bump does not have good shower. You might have water, but it's dripping. Right. Which I've done, but you don't want to do that for months. We could stop at the Love's truck shop.

We could stop at the Love's. We do Love's showers. I've never done one of those. It's like those trucker stops. We could do laundry and showers. Fucking kill a hooker. Oh, yeah. We have time. Kill a hooker.

We have time. Oh, maybe Tulsa. We got two days in Tulsa. Maybe that's where the hooker is. Someone's got a tour manager. I'm going to make sure where the trucker stop is. There's the dead hooker. There's your wife.

Yeah. What are you doing? I heard, if I read correctly, if you kill an indigenous woman, they just won't prosecute you. It depends on where that happens. I don't think they'll even know. They don't count. Every day. They don't count them up.

We did a tour way back in the day, the Barstool Blackout Tour. We'd do all these colleges and these parties. What is it? You make blacks outside? No, it was just about the drugs yeah it was it was in it was an edm tour about molly it was like we actually had avicii play one of them like right before he became like who he was

Yeah, like we were David Guetta and Calvin Harris and all that shit So we we timed it perfectly and we made a fuck ton of money only reason why barstool like survived was because of this tour, but we would we would go like we a lot of times we Stop recording on any of these We would I mean, if you just want to come in quickly and make sure it's not recording heavy. I mean, whatever. I'm just running my time. We would. Oh, no. Did she stop recording?

She recorded a whole fucking thing. She's done that about four or five times. We would stop at those truck stops and stuff like that, and no one would shower, and we would stink. We would stink for, like, weeks. It was awful. That's what I'm trying to avoid. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We don't want that. It's kind of. It actually. Also Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We don't want that. It's kind of – it actually – Also, that bus started nice, remember? I mean – No, we didn't have the bus at this time. What did you have? We had a Chevy Silverado. Silverado.

I thought it was Avalanche. Silverado? No, you're right. You're right. It was Avalanche, yes. But even when we eventually – when it did well, the next year they got a bus, an RV. We got it like wrapped with a bar stool, all that shit. And it was nice for like 35 seconds.

And then you live in it, and even that gets shitty. So it's like, unless you're really disciplined. That's the problem. It's going to get farty fast. Farty fast. I imagine we were probably partying and doing more drugs than you guys are going to do. Maybe not. We'll drink a lot.

Yeah. We got to have a drug day. We got to have a real drug day. Are you going to be like banging hoes? Banging hoes? Banging hoes? I don hoes? Banging hoes? I don't know Probably not hoes

I feel like Yours was like People coming on And partying I almost died That one time The heyday of Barstool The real

We don't remember Still had print We talk about that Sometimes If we could write a book about it. I just don't remember. Was it better than the American Gladiators when they went on bus? When they were just, like, doing drugs?

Did you watch that special? That was- They were doing a lot of drugs? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah? Oh, my God. Well, first of all, they were all getting steroids, but they were all just coked out of their minds. They were doing steroids and coke at the same time?

Yeah, because they were doing, like, three events a day and like a hundred different things they were like slaves they get on the bus they just drink all day and they would like you know tear a fucking peck and they'd be like i gotta get surgery i'll be out for like three months and they'd be like well then you're out of a job so they yeah oh yeah no unions right no they were showing charlottesville and they were doing it was shows for like a hundred dollars a pop that's basically exactly what we were doing where it's like we would break down the set and we'd be like, we got to be in fucking wherever University of West Virginia is. We got to be in University of Indiana now.

And we'd break it down and start driving at like 3 a.m. So, yeah, maybe that's why we did it. They did it for like three different – three like college years, like when school was back. It was like a tour of duty. I remember being like, you guys, like, I hope you make it back. Wow. Oh, God. But I would imagine you guys, it was like a tour of duty. I remember being like, you guys like, I hope you make it back. Oh God. But I, I would imagine you guys will be a little more tame than that. We'll be more.

How many times are we going to see your balls over? So many times. I think exclusively. I think you'll see it more than that. I would imagine you'll have no clothes on that entire fucking house. Yeah. I'm packing one pair of underwear and I'm not wearing it. Are you, do you have like a driver?

We got a driver. I don't know who yet. We've never done this. I'm pretty one pair of underwear and I'm not wearing it. Are you do you have like a driver? We got a driver. I don't know who yet. We've never done this. I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah, I've already done a bunch. And Tom and which bunk I want to sleep in. What? Yeah, I don't want to be lower because I just feel like your dick is right there.

Yeah, he's you're going to have a little like a glory hole. And he's just going to like a dick. She's going to open the curtain. But then the other one, I think you're just going to be looking, man. You'll be like, well, you're either seeing this. You're seeing that. You see like a low budget movie where the boom comes in. I got to be on a low bunk because I got an old urethra and I piss a lot at night.

How many times? Oh, seven or eight. Oh, my. Seven or eight pisses a night? Really? Some nights. I just keep getting up. Like 50?

Almost 50. Wow. Whoa. I'm on blood pressure medicine. I don't pee five times a night. I get up like once or twice, and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to die soon. I feel a little mortality. I used to just like hit the pillow, wake up in the morning.

How many times do you piss in a day? I piss a lot. He pisses a lot, but it's not 20. But like. You drink a lot's not 20 but like you drink a lot of water to drink a lot he does he's clear you gotta piss clear once a day benji says oh i piss clear almost exclusively what yeah yeah i piss clear if i drink a decent amount of water but yeah i think uh you drink coffee all day long sometimes yeah i just where i just have like, you know. I can't sleep past six. Yeah.

Because then I have to pee at six in the morning. I get up and once my brain turns on, I just have the existential dread again and the anxiety. You try to stay asleep while you have to piss. I'm like, no. Yeah. You're rock hard because your dick's like, we got nowhere to put it. We got nowhere to go, dude. Just filling it up like a balloon. It's in my pores.

It's just coming out. Oh, God. It gets hard for the base up. Like you're inflating one of those balloons. That is a transition to old when you wake up hard and you're like, this isn't horny. This is not a good hard. I'm literally full of piss. Yeah, this is not.

Full of piss and vinegar. Yeah, it's terrible. This is not nut I can take it out do you do you like to go to therapy or anything like that I've done it before

I've got no problem with it I'm just too lazy I feel like you're you're you're just very like chill pretty chill like

will you get anxious about anything like I'm just I'm discovering I never really cared about anything I'm always just like whatever

just kind of floating through life never thought I would be like I have anxiety or I have like shit I need to work through I was just gonna I'm discovering him. I never really cared about anything. I'm always just like, whatever, just kind of floating through life. Never thought I would be like, I have anxiety or I have like shit I need to work through. I was just going to be like Irish Catholic guy that just shoves it down and lose my life. And then all of a sudden it just started happening. And I was like, yeah, I didn't fucking sign up for this. Or you don't. No.

I smoke sometimes or from a podcast. I'll have like going great for an hour. And then one joke doesn't work. And it's like, fuck, everybody hates me. Yeah. Okay. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck hates me. Everybody hates me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm happy you'd go through that, too. Fuck you. It's crazy. I didn't know it was at first. Maybe it would be him who's like, I don't fucking care. I don't know. When I'm high. When I'm high, a lot.

When you're high, you do care or don't care? I do care. It's like real anxiety. But it's like, that's the fun of it. Yeah, yeah. You're on a roller coaster of emotions. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling something.

And then back, then you see a bird a bird you're like fucking life is beautiful you get it i get i i never get the anxiety from weird from weed i i'm always just like i'm i don't get too high either it's just like i'm always pretty good from it louis katz has a joke about it new special just came out But It's Marijuana You know weed It means no worries And then one day

It meant all the worries Yeah It just changes It's a very funny thing It's like You know You smoke to like Not be stressed

But if it goes wrong It causes all the stress It can set you off It's like Yeah Well what the fuck Booze I've started to realize If I drink a lot

The right New York amount Oh god And then I start getting like Anxiety and like Well, what the fuck? Booze, I've started to realize, if I drink a lot, the right New York amount. Oh, God. And then I start getting, like, anxiety. And it's like, I wake up the next day with it. It's just like, fuck. That one. Yeah, I'll get that one.

I'll get the anxiety pretty good. The anxiety? Yeah. I feel like a bag of shit the next day. And you're like, you didn't do anything today. You're unproductive. Here we go downwards. Productive. I've been drinking less and like productive is i'm like i could this is pretty crazy yeah i got i can i for sure see the difference i went to the market today this is like

i'm like a functioning adult you know what feels really productive when you know when they say the left and the right go so far over they meet again you know they both hate something so much that now they've become the same yeah when you drink so much that at 7 a.m you're leaving a bar and you're like it's light either go home at 11 or 7 you're not in between you're fucking one one time we did i did i was out at a bar with a buddy who was um he like was friends with he owns he owns a couple bars and he's friends with like he has a liquor with what's around his husband asap rocky he's gonna look at with asap rocky and this was at like midnight he's like oh i think asap's gonna come by and i was like oh wow that's cool and he's like he's like i think he's gonna bring rihanna i was like oh wow that's cool

and i waited for that dude until 8 a.m. drinking. And then I just kept drinking. I just showed up at work. I was like, I just went from the bar to work. And I was walking home in that daylight being like, this is not productive. That was the exact opposite. And he never showed up. Never showed up.

No. I remember when you were telling me that story, like, what would have happened when he showed up? Yeah. You would just be like, it would have been me. Shit. I knew it. I knew you were real. Like what would have happened When he showed up Yeah You would just be like It would have been me Shit I knew it I knew you were real Yeah

It was like I was like I can't go home Like what if he comes It's a good story And then he just never fucking came I just had to walk to work Just shouting Still made a good story

At what time were you like I don't think he's Cutting show Oh dude like 11 o'clock It probably came up At like midnight By 2am I was like Alright he's for sure not coming.

Because the bar we were at was never open. So it wasn't like he was coming to the club. That's right. That makes it a little difference if you feel like you're doing something after hours closed. Yeah, it was just a closed bar. And so it was just us pouring our own whiskeys for eight hours. In the pocket for six hours later. At 2 in the morning, you're like, no, but I'm going to hang this thing until 8 a.m.

Then I convinced myself, the later I stay, the better story it gonna hang this thing till 8 a.m then i convince myself i'm like the later i stay the better story it is he came at six there's nobody better nobody better than committing to the story than john john john you i think i feel like you do things exclusively for the story 100 like if he goes to the movies yeah he likes the movies anything outside of that is just material for the podcast hopefully it's not even material for the podcast it's like yes obviously it is yeah but it's like it's material for like life where it's like i don't know like people don't get to do this like this is something i almost think it's a great way to live take it like it's like a social contract you have with other human beings where it's like when they meet me i have things to talk about because i did shit and then i'm like

bro there is nothing worse than uh than not having stories like you have kids yeah too yeah like i don't know about you but just once like with the parents yeah just like kids life started and all i do is just kids stuff now and then yeah you talk to the other parents and you're just like what is your kids yeah interests is your yo your travel team are they playing yeah and it's just like they none of this i mean it matters to me even my own kids i'm like these stories suck about my kids i don't? Yeah, and it's just like none of this matters to me, even my own kids. I'm like, these stories suck about my kids. I don't want to talk about it.

You just want to be like, one time I waited until 8 in the morning for ASAP Rock. That's really who I am. Right, right. What's really funny is there's probably one or two dads I know that I'm like, you're cool. You're still doing stuff. And I mean like cool. Just like you're a dude. You could have a podcast probably. You could sit down with cool. And I mean like cool. Not even – I don't even – just like you're a dude. You could have a podcast probably.

You could sit down with us and we could talk like this. And there's some tolerable ones. But I'm like – but you guys all had to have been like just regular guys at some point, right? Yeah, right. So like did – or am I just – am I a loser too and I don't realize it? You know what I mean? Like most of the time I look at a bunch of the dads and I'm just like, oh, god. Like please don't talk to me. But I'm sure they had the same thing realize it? You know what I mean? Most of the time I look at a bunch of the dads and I'm just like, oh God, please don't talk to me.

But I'm sure they had the same thing about me. I see you guys become parents, well you I knew before, and become parents. You see that more and more and then you're like, but I know that you're a piece of shit. And I know the slutty women that have become moms. And it's like, oh, that's probably all of them. They all went to high school.

But I don't know. Maybe I feel like I stay a little bit more in tune with shit or younger. That's what it is too. Do you think the parents just change and when they hear something bad now, they're not like, I used to get like that. I think a lot of the moms do. I don't know about the dads. I know the moms

turn from fun party girl to like not me i would never it's like we were talking about that the other day when like we were talking about like when we were kids and kevin was like i just hated the disappointed like when my parents said like oh we're disappointing you yep and i was like i didn't that didn't bother me because like i knew they weren't when my parents were like like when you left the house and i threw a party no you knew i was gonna do this it's what you did when you were a kid you're not like disappointed You're not disappointed. You'd be disappointed if fucking no one came

and I couldn't get a party. I couldn't get a party together. That would be a disappointment. That is a disappointment. You have 70 extra cases of booze? If I came home, there were two kids and 17 cases of beer, I'd be like, you guys are losers. Get the dogs and dragons out of my house. Wouldn be like, you guys are losers. Get the Dungeons and Dragons

out of my house. Wouldn't that genuinely be more disappointing to you if I couldn't get people here in the party? Yeah, I guess the Nerajah that I'm like, my kid's popular.

Sure, we lost your wedding ring and the hamster's missing. Imagine if one of your kids came to you like, Dad, I tried to have sex with this girl and I couldn't get a hard-on. You're like,

I'm so disappointed. Fucking loser. What a dork. How old are your kids? Oldest is 14 and 11. Oh, okay. So you're a little bit further ahead. Ninth grader and a sixth grader.

So I can't even imagine when it gets like that. You guys worry about fucking them up? Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Almost exclusively. As soon as my kids do. Not on a daily basis, but sometimes I'll get like a, hey, I don't feel good about this.

And I'm like, oh, I don't know how to. I don't. All right. Shit. Do you – okay. Do you, like – I was watching a TV show. I also don't have kids. And I was watching – I think it was, like, watching Modern Family or something like that.

And they were like, we got to go talk to Alex. Like, how often are you doing that? Were you like, we need to go have a talk? And it wasn't, like, a serious thing. It wasn't they're in trouble. It was just like, how are you doing? I think they thought Alex was lying about a boyfriend or something like that. And they were trying to tell her it's okay to not have a boyfriend.

They go to her dorm room, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, we don't – I'm trying to think of the last time we were like, we have to do this together. Normally it's like, you've got to tell him to knock this shit off. I'm going on the road this week. He can't come home at that time. So it's like – but I'm trying to think of the last time

we were together where we had to be like, you have to, no. My oldest is two boys. I feel like when you have a girl too, that's like the dad go yell at the boy, the mom go do the girl talk, but two boys I feel like you can just kind of be like, shut the fuck up and knock it off a little more.

Yeah, I feel like the older one is a lot easier to manage. We're going to get into the weeds with my younger one. He's going to be one where we're going to be like, we have to have a talk with him after dinner today. Yeah. Together. So he sees we're a united front. All right. So we can't turn you against him.

Because he's like, he pushes more than my older one. My older one is the opposite of you. He cares about what we think of him. Disappointed to him would be devastating. The younger one would be like, let me talk to your older one. He's the one I'm like, he's good looking. He's smart.

He's got a lot of friends. So I'm like, oh, this could be bad. The younger one sees him not taking advantage of what he has. He's's like you should be doing this this and this are you are you uh like do you pay less attention to the younger one no no we we have to pay more attention to the younger one i always demand he's a lot more like he's needy that's i always think with my siblings where i'm like you guys and i you're youngest, younger, is kind of like you should be doing more. With my siblings, I'm like, you guys owe me the fucking.

What? They're younger than you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I fucking, I went through that forest with a machete. There's a man. I got arrested like five times before I turned 18. Like there was nothing you could do.

Yeah. You broke a lot. Yeah. If you were just a functioning there was nothing you could do. Yeah, you broke a lot of glass. Yeah, like, if you were just a functioning human being, you were fine. You're good.

Did it work? Are they all like, oh, yeah, they're all very successful people. Yeah, you need people to be put in prison

so you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. Yeah. But I didn't get in trouble. Like, my parents would kind of yell at me a little bit,

but like, they would just be like, what the fuck, dude? It wasn't, it was almost like I got them ready for the kids. It was almost like they just expected kids to do this. So when the other siblings didn't do it, they were very good.

I was just a regular kid. They were angels. Steve's kids, they switched. Because when the second kid was born, the first kid, I don't know if he didn't like it or whatever. Yeah, he would try to. But I saw him walking around, the kid just kind of walking around. And there's a baby kind of on the floor walking around.

They're looking at his parents. And as soon as they didn't – they weren't looking. And he wasn't looking at me because I'm just a friend. So he just – and he was just like – Yeah. The first kid. Yeah. He would start crying.

He would try to. He was crying. And I'm like, I saw what you did. Yeah. I saw it. Yeah. It was amazing. He was like just walking. Or he's getting bullied by a newborn. Yeah. You can see shit. One time I saw him. did. I saw it. It was amazing. He was like just walking.

Or he's getting bullied by a newborn. You can see shit, bitch. Keep your mouth shut. One time I saw him shove him over the front step like this and then pull him back and go, I saved you. Like that. That's the shit that scares me. Like psychological damage.

What if you have a fucking – You got one of those. But now that's worked out of him. Now he's just sort of kind and sweet. But the younger one's very needy now. I have your life in my hands. I saved you.

I was like, holy shit. I like that gaslighting your siblings. I mean, my kids are like, I see some of the other kids who are a bigger handful, and I'm like, oh, my kids are like, I see some of the other kids who are a bigger handful, and I'm like, oh, my kids are good, easy. Yeah.

Because I see some of the other dads who are just like, like so-and-so is a handful, and I'm like, yeah, that seems like it sucks, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. They'll always be like, oh, Shay or Keegan is great. I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then I see their kid, I'm like, oh, yeah, I know. Really? Really.

Do you have any, like I have a fear of like Trying Being the dad that's trying To hang on Too long Like being like the That's lit Oh no

That sucks That sucks Totally That's I have always There's gotta be a middle ground Yeah I've always like aged

With my audience Sort of like As we've done this show Like I was a Young single guy Got married Got divorced Had kids show, like I was a young single guy, got married, got divorced, had kids.

We've like, I was cutting edge with music. Now I'm not like, so I've kind of done that with, with my job. I don't know what, how, how,

how it's going to work. My kids are eight and seven. So you're just getting to where they're even learning that stuff. I feel like you, you say that now and you can probably answer this better, but you say it now, like it's easy to age appropriately, but then you see like one of the younger dads being cool. I'm like you say that now, and you can probably answer this better. You say it now. It's easy to age appropriately. But then you see one of the younger dads being cool.

Why do they like him so much? Because he fucking talks like that? All right, I'll do it. I'll fucking do it. You can't fake it. Yeah, you can't. I don't think I'll ever be the old dad just by a product of this job. Yeah, you do this.

So I think I'm happy there. Because some of the other dads. I look at some of the dads that I'm like, again, to go back to that earlier conversation where I'm like, how are we in the same thing? It's like our polo shirt tucked into their khakis where they're low first. And they,

they immediately have like the bald head on there. You know, it's like you turn, you went from 25 to 45. Yeah. You live. Yeah. You age quickly.

Yeah. And I'm like, I mean, probably people want to look at me with a fucking backwards hat on and a hoodie and they think I'm an asshole too, but I think there's somewhere in between, but I just don't want to be the, I don't have to be the coolest.

I don't want to be the lamest. I know, I'm like, that's cap. Shut the fuck up, dad. But I was like, bull cap. I said that and they were like, that's funny, dad. My brother, his kid said something. His kid was like, they live in Europe and he goes were like, that's funny, Dad. My brother, his kid said something. His kid was like, they live in Europe, and he goes, Dad, that's sus. And he goes, my kid's so creative.

And I'm like, that's not. Wait, you think your kid invented sus? Did he not? I'm like, oh, I'm afraid he didn't. Wow. I could fuck with Hella. Yeah. You can't say Hella.

He says a lot. If you're from the Bay, you can't just start saying Hella if you're from New York. That's not true. Give me a 50-year-old Jew from New York saying Hella. What if you're doing this you're from the Bay, you can't just start saying hello if you're from New York. That's not true. Give me a 50-year-old Jew from New York saying hello. What if you're doing this to someone from the Bay? Can you get the hello license that way? Yeah, you can. You can.

You can get your N-word license depending on who you have access to. But that's a different line of waiting. You've got to have a certificate. You can show it under saying. Yeah, hello rules. Hello. Hello. I mean, hello is cool. It's just like you can certificate. You can show it under a saying. Oh, yeah. There's hella rules. Hella. Hella. I mean, hella is cool.

It's just like you can't. It's not. You're wrong. I do pull it off. You are a bizarre creature in that, like, I don't know. You can pull off weird things. I don't pull off everything. I do pull off hella.

You're pulling off everything right now. Yeah. This is a 50-year-old man. This is maybe my favorite Irish movie if you're like i really let it go i'm doing forest gum for halloween with the running forest gum with the trucker cap it really looks like him that is great yeah no this is this is you could do this i shaved everything in april and then i haven't touched it look at this look at this thing that connects in the back there is that you can cut that, dude.

I know. Now, if you're doing it like you're doing it, you can't touch anything. You got to commit it. You got to. I don't think. Dude, turn your head sideways and don't touch it. That's disgusting. Yeah, I know.

You don't need to. You got to be all in, man. You got to be all in. I saw on Instagram the other day you posted the Grammy consideration for Jew. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. Jew's one of my favorite specials in a while. Can anybody do that? I think you have to pay and submit

to be like, or just be like... But if it sucks, could you still get that? I wonder if you could. Does that mean it's a certain level of good? That's a good question. Yeah, because they have to do some research, but they can't leaf through everything like whatever it's like a golden globe they don't look at like the handmade

that's what i'm saying like it's got to be some yeah so you didn't do that uh louis produced my album he just did the album part of it ck he's like what do you want me to do this is fucking hella cool to have you on there? He did it. Is it well-played? I start darting around. If you don't think that's working, you're DeLulu. DeLulu.

But I think he, like, submitted it for me. What do you think the chances are? Zero. Zero? Maybe a nomination.

I'm an outsider. A nomination? There could be, like, they get one outsider nomination a year So what do you think The ones are

All the well known ones That's the way it always is There's always like Saget and fucking Suddenly Susan or whatever But Louis won recently right Louis He won for

Sorry Was it sorry Was it sorry Or was it the next one Wait what is it for Like Best comedy Album

Yeah We all talk about it Like how did Louis win with all the things? Anonymous voting. There you go. Don't you think that means shit to you? It's possible. A lot of times I think they just go, who are the famous ones?

Yeah. Do you know who you're up against? It'll definitely be like, I don't know who else. Bargatze, I'm sure we'll have one, right? If he came out with one that year. I have no idea. Gerard Mullaney, for sure. They're going to be like.

Yeah. They don't have to watch. They're just like, we like those guys. In 2022, it was Chappelle with the closer. Chappelle. Randy Rainbow, Louis C.K., Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan. Randy Rainbow? Yeah, who's Randy Rainbow?

Randy Rainbow. He's the outsider. A little brains, a little talent. He's the outsider? He's the outsider there. You could be the outsider, dude. I could be the outsider. Let me.

I think it was. If I were nominated for a Grammy, it would be retarded. They almost can't do that just because of the ramifications. They will know you will run amok with that. You would be such a colossal asshole about it. If I won a Grammy, I'd get a full necklace, and I'd just have it all the time. Like in 30 Rock when Tracy Jordan wins the EGOT.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, this article is like, you know, controversial, mistakenly thought to be canceled comedians, Dave Chappelle and Louis C.K. are among Grammy. I mean, why not? When I saw yours, I was like, I didn't think that was ridiculous at all. I thought Jew was so special as a special and unique and great. It does feel different.

It does feel different. Yeah, it's not just your average comedy special. Yeah, no, it's great. But still, I'm a cunt. But he's R. Yeah. But still, there's a phone behind you that I had to get a new one. Yeah, that phone case right there.

That's just your work. What do you mean? In that phone case is my phone that already came on the show with a man pond in his ass. Yeah. And put it on my phone. And that day, I had to go get a new phone. He reached in. What's this phone?

That's the phone that you put on the phone? That's your man. What? Fold out the bloody. See, these are the hijinks I'm worried about. Yes. That's why I said you're fucked, dude. He came here for one hour and tore it apart.

He had to go get a new phone for $1,000, by the way. What? You got a new phone? I got a new phone. I was like, I'll never. We were just done with it? We were talking about the league. No insurance?

I didn't. No insurance. It was a brand new. That was a new phone. I was like, I need the same one. You spent $1,000. $2,000. What?

Because we said it was like the league. We said it was forever unclean. Yeah. It was like, I know it's. We could clean it with fucking hand sanitizer, but I will always think about this forever. It was like, I was like, I can. Yes, it wasn't a germs thing. I knew the germs.

I don't really care about. It was like, you could wash it. I'll never be able to have like, you'll look at a sexy picture. Some girl sends me. I'm like, it's just Ari's fucking assholes. I can't like everything. It would just because I can't spend every day all day thinking about Ari Shafir. Perfectly good phone.

What? So you bought a new phone? He really should have just gone in the back with that one. Like, here's your new phone. Thank you very much. Explain the situation. I was just having to do that for you. What?

How much did you spend on it? I think it was like $1,800. No. Wait, what? $1,800? It was a brand new phone. I had to pay off that one. $1,800.

God. You should get an invoice for $ I had to pay off that one. Oh, my God. You should get an invoice for two grand. No, no. I refuse to take your money for it. The Jewel right now is going, oh, my God. $1,800? I don't know. It was something.

I remember it being a lot because I remember going, holy shit. I already fucking ran you for a good shot. Why do you have that much money on you? Because I never know when you're going to come across a cash game. What are you? Cash game? What is this, Rounders? I never know when I'm going to come across a cash game.

You got an idea? You got an idea? I'm not. No, no. Take that'm not. No, no. Take that money back. No, I could turn this into two grand. I'll make my money back. The ass pon phone. I like this version better than your.

Oh, yeah. Goddamn. I never know what I'm gonna come across A cat What How long is the tour for Just 15 days 15 days But I got a full I got a full

You know what you gotta do When you go to Chicago You gotta dump all your shit out What do you mean Like Dave Matthews did That was there Yeah What'd he do

Dave Matthews Dave Matthews like Hates this story being told. And Chicago hates it. Chicago. They were driving over some bridge in Chicago. I don't know which one it was. And they just dumped their septic tank on the bus, which is a very illegal thing to do.

You've got to go to a proper spot and dispose of it. It was 800 pounds. 800 pounds of human shit. And there was a tour boat going under the bridge. And it just landed on everybody. Whose idea was that? Probably some dumb driver. What would you say if I dump shit on your face?

I think he's addressed it like once ever and was like, I had nothing to do with that. They're all covered. What was that? He's like, it was a satellite. It was. We got a dump. I can't believe there's no, I guess it was 2004, so there's no cameras or anything. Oh, yeah.

Imagine the video of that. People would just be like, ah! It's shit! What the fuck? And then Dave Matthews was like, what? Let's see. They owed, in 2005, legal settlement. They agreed to pay $200,000 grand to environmental protections and other projects the bands also donated 100 grand to two groups that

protect the river i don't give a fuck about the river i was talking about the people you dumped we should have just waited yeah yeah for real somebody took a hot dump on the bus which is not allowed yeah 800 pounds 800 pounds so much shit yeah i mean that that that is they they probably were like yeah we drove from fucking new York to this, to that, to this. And they were like, we'll dump it at the next stop. We'll dump it at the next spot. We'll dump it at – there was probably some guy who was like, there's 800 pounds, dude. Like the bus is like weighed down from shit half to bottom.

What do you think a single dump – like not a single term, like a single dump weighs? Three pounds? Do you guys ever do this? Three pounds? Do you weigh yourself right before and right after? No. You got to do that. Yeah?

Weigh yourself right before and right after. Piss before, so that doesn't get – Doesn't money a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Piss, then stand up, weigh. Weigh. Then sit back down, dump. I used to do it every day.

I would call Nick Yusuf, and I'd be like, what do you think today? And then I'd show him a picture of the dump. I'd be like, what's the difference? This says the average poop weighs between a quarter pound and a pound. So when you get a quarter pounder. So my three was way off. Way off. No, I think you've taken three pounds off.

This is like South Park at the Caterpillar on occasion. Oh, for sure. Like almost exclusive. Day after mushrooms. Think about it. Your average shit is a pound. You've had ones that are triple. Oh, yeah.

Dude, you ever go to the website ratemypoo.com? Ratemypoo? Yeah. I've seen rape my poo it's oh not for watching my buddy used to go to all time in high school it was just like save it i was like the computer home page rate my poo is now rate my pussy oh whoa it redirects oh that's a that's a much better yeah it's quite a turn. Poo.com. So what, they just rate it? The public would rate it? It was a doctor?

What's that? A doctor rated it? Yeah, yeah. They were like, get to my office immediately. Dude, I actually went to a gastroenterologist recently, and it was a very pretty woman. And she was basically holding up a diagram of drawings. And she's like, can you point to the one that your feces look like?

And I was like, no. No no no yeah which one's the best which one do you find the sexiest one seven and nine dude this is vile bro the pussy one or the no no uh reddit has right it's just like the captions are like, I wasn't expecting such a long one. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. You guys send poops to friends, don't you? I don't know. You send poops to fucking strangers, let alone friends. If they're good ones. Dude, I had one that was all – I showed it to you last time.

It was all like gummy or blood or some mixture. Disgusting. Last time was an aberration. You're going on the road with this, Steve. Thank God I know him because I'll be honest with you guys. Disgusting. Last time was an aberration. You're going on the road with this, Steve. Thank God I know him because I'll be honest with you guys. I had an issue about a month ago where I had a little blood in it, and I was like, if I didn't know him in my life, I would have been like, oh, I'm going to the – I'm dead.

I'm going. But meanwhile, I'm like, oh, this is par for the course. If that happened to me, I'd be like, I have ass cancer. You should get it inspected. But my doctor ruled it out. He goes, no, it's just like a horrible hemorrhoid. Yeah. Don't you always have hemorrhoids?

Yeah. You want to get it blown out, right? Yeah, sometimes they blow out. They blow up like a balloon. So you just push so hard and your asshole explodes? Yeah. That is so crazy. Don't you just stop before your asshole explodes?

You could. But then how are you going to get that shit out? How do you get that shit out? I don't know. I'd rather like go up in there with my hands before I just let my asshole blow out. That's how Elvis died. That's how Elvis died. What?

Elvis died in the toilet. Trying to push out a poop. Trying to push out a poop. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, so you've known him forever, right? Very long time. It's not like you're going to get surprised by this.

No, no, no. But did you have any thoughts, any trepidation, like I shouldn't do this? I mean, yeah. I still am committed 100% to getting on the bus. We're a week away from getting on the bus. Yeah, I'll believe you when the doors close. I want to – I keep – I've texted him once like, you got a link to this bus? And he's like, no, I haven't seen it yet.

I'm like, I really want to see this bus. Before we get on it. Yeah, for real. I don't want to get on it. I don't want to get on it. We'll see. Minneapolis, November 2nd. We'll see.

Did you skimp on this? Did you buy a second-hand bus? No, we got a real bus. It's just like, I'm not going to wrap it like dork friends. That's fair. How much does it cost? Like $30,000 or something like that. $30,000 for 15 minutes.

I don't think that's going to buy you a great bus. But as opposed to like three flights and three hotels. That's how much a car costs. But you're just renting it. We're just renting it. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. I didn't buy a bus. That car costs. But you're just renting it. We're just renting it. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, I didn't buy a bus. That's expensive.

Imagine trying to fucking park it there. Trying to find garage space in New York for a bus. Dude, you got to go to Jersey City to fucking park it. We had one. We had an RV we kept for like two years just wasting money. To have. Just in a spot. That was another.

Just in a spot over in Jersey. We did not dispose of the shit properly. And it like sprayed all over the fucking. No shits on the bus. And I'm saying that. No shits on the bus. Look, I'm going to 100% agree with you on that. I'll shit in the woods.

If there's no options, if we're driving and it's like. There's going to come a time where you are moving and you're like, I got to shit. I shit in the woods with O'Neal. That's the other guy going with us, Ryan O'Neal from boner city but uh we were hiking and i just had to shit and he was like well we're hiking and i was like in runyon canyon in like la that's and i was like i'm going in the bushes and he's like you're out of your mind runyon's like a public park yeah and then i had to wipe it out it's like me walking around a central park be like i gotta shit we're just down just like the path of Sierra

and it goes down a little bit. I'm like, just look out for me. He goes, I'm looking now. There's multiple people coming. All of them are coming. They're all going to see. I had a white with my hands and a Pepsi Zero. Oh, God, bro.

I had no choice. There was only a very few leaves. They were crumbly. White with my hands and a Pepsi Zero? First of all, why did you have a Pepsi Zero with my hand? And then you go on dirt? First of all, why did you have a Pepsi Zero on a hike? Pepsi Zero on a hike might be the craziest part. We had a Pepsi Zero. I don't know. I definitely didn't find it. I'm not disgusted.

That's what I think happened. So you wiped with your hand. Yeah, and then you Pepsi Zero it. And then wiped again? Yeah, and then put some Pepsi Zero in there. Why would you put Pepsi Zero on your asshole? Because you want to see how you put an Altoid in there. Why would you put Pepsi Zero on your asshole? Because you want to see if, you know how you put an Altoid in it? Some sort of moisture. What do you mean? If one of those hemorrhoids falls off, the Pepsi Zero will explode.

I'm a bidet guy no matter what. Volcano. Oh, my God. Bro, I got to be honest. That might be the most despicable thing I've ever heard. Bro, rather than just have the feeling of like, oh, I got to shit. You want to have Pepsi Zero on your asshole. It wasn't a preference.

I would have not. I respect the move, but I will say you had other options. I'm going to go to them right now. Ready? I know you don't mind having your shirt off. Take off your sock. Take off your sock. Shirt.

Boxers. Yes. Okay. Here's the problem with that. I didn't think of it. Wait. Pepsi Zero in your hand came to you before and i've wiped with my hand before in thailand you do that i go one sock one sock i would take my boxers then

i would do my shirt yeah was it a solid or was it all liquidy i don't remember we gotta ask o'neill he saw it and how much was your stomach like you know what it's like when it's like almost always like oh i gotta go to the bathroom soon like when it's just like almost always you're like, oh, I got to go to the bathroom soon. There's an occasion where you're like, it's just happening. Yeah. Okay. So it was an extreme one. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. That's 30 minutes up a mountain. That's why it's like there's nowhere to go. I thought you were just like, I got to go. I did it once where I was on a bridge in Newport and there was traffic and I couldn't get off the bridge. And I finally got off that first exit, pulled over, ran to the woods, and I had a plastic bag, and I had shit in the bag.

And then when I finished, I was like, wait, why did I do this? I just had a bag of shit. Just woods. I think I was like, why didn't I just fucking dump on the floor out here? You used a bag to wipe your ass. So now you have a bag of shit, and you can do anything with it. I went no way. What'd you do with the bag? I left the bag in can do anything What'd you do with the bag?

I left the bag in the woods What'd you do with your butt? I just pulled my pants up and went home Yeah, why the bag? You just added litter Yeah, it was just like I added a step I was like, why did I bring this bag with me

And shit into it? I can't defile these beautiful woods I shit in a bag once It was with Bobby's car Yeah, but that was for a purpose Yeah To get back at him To get back at Bobby My friend was like Bobby pissed on this guy's car. Yeah, but that was for a purpose. Yeah. To get back at him.

To get back at Bobby. My friend was like, Bobby pissed on this guy's car. And he was so mad about it. He did it twice. And he goes, I'm going to shit on his car. And then one time, Bobby left his car in the lot at the store. And then we told James, Bobby's car's right there. And he goes, I just took a dump. I don't have to take a dump.

So you did it for him? I'll go. And you handed him the bag of shit and said, please. Because you just love anarchy? Or you hated Bobby, too? Well, I'm said please because you just love anarchy or you hate the guy you hated Bobby too you want I love anarchy like the fact that you were willing to shit in a bag to for someone else

to get their grudge off is actually I find admirable to be honest a friend of need is a friend of deed even funnier thought is the guy being like oh I would love to, but I got. But he really felt it. He wasn't like getting out of it.

He was like, fuck. Yeah, he took the top of a box, like a Xerox, you know, box and ripped it off. And he just went like this. Oh, spackle. Oh, I think I've seen a video of that. I think he smeared on the door handles. So like it was like an up and down one. So he like wiped it in there.

So when he went to come in, he like. And then the windshield wipers wipers right turn the windshield wipers on and when he started his car yeah it was i know dude it's really vile bro come on it's bad bro speaking about on tour we were just driving through the midwest and we were in where'd you go we we did uh uh um cincinnati columbus and then pitts. I'll be there in April. Part of our drive was through West Virginia, was it? Ohio. We did West Virginia as well. I mean, we went through a field, like a manure field or something.

That was just – Rancid. I mean, that – I found it pleasant. I was like eating – Which is crazy because he usually is the one gagging like that. I was in the back seat Like

It was You know You catch a whiff of manure And I was like whatever And then it just got To the point where it was like Tangy It was like on my tongue

Yeah You tasted it And I was just I was like I'm gonna puke And then Jackie's in the back Going don't puke It was a bridesmaid

She was like don't puke Don't puke Don't puke Don't puke I'm gonna puke It was about to be A fucking fiasco. I mean, that was a few minutes of straight highway of just, like, progressively smellier shit.

I'm not into any of that scat stuff. No. Dude, we used to. Yeah, what if a girl shit. Sorry, go ahead. Asa Akira, porn star, who you may or may not have heard of. She used to be a co-host on the show. And she's like, I will do anything except scat oh thank god no kids no shit i was like what if you're fucking somebody and then

they just shit a little what do you mean accidental is yeah accidental shit but like is it over is it like no no clean this let's take the sheet off and keep going listen i've i've been i've had two big meals before yeah and then try to go at it, and it's like I could tell. I've finished and then gone to the bathroom and taken a dump, but I would never disrespect my wife and just shit in the middle of it. But I feel like also with girls, if something like that happens – They're mortified. They're mortified, and it's also like – It's over.

No, I sympathize with them because it's like, I want to put things in there. I want to ram this and do that. It's like something might fall out and might get messy. You deserve a mulligan. If it's a problem a bunch of times, it's probably over. Yeah, now, I agree with you. But if we're just kissing, making out, and you're still in your pants on, you shit your pants on.

You're like, wait a minute, lady. If I'm If I'm actively Fucking you in the ass And something goes wrong I'll give you a do-over If we're at first base And you're taking a shit

There's a problem Yeah Dude that butt fucking As soon as you Pull out sometimes And you see just a chunk You gotta immediately Look away

What? I didn't see it I didn't see it I didn't see it I didn't see it And the door was still going Yes Yes

Pretend it didn't happen As we're sitting here Being like I'm'm not going to like scat stuff. Like I've had more fecal matter on me than both parents here. I bet. Dude. Yeah. One time my son had one of those shits where he couldn't get it out. He's a baby.

And I was like, I, and my wife just went in and I was like, that's your job. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. I go, I will never. I go, we could be at your grave. And I would never put my finger in and be like, I'll get it out. That's it. It's disgusting, dude.

You got to live with that. You created it. Oh, my God. Just did it. I was like, that's what you do. You save shit out of people. That's insane. That's motherly instinct

I was gonna run My instinct was to fucking run And build a new one So you're a kid We can start over There's times that They have like the blowout Where you're throwing

You throw out the wipes You throw out the diaper You throw out the clothes And I'm ready to just Fucking throw the baby out too Yeah it's gross That's ever gonna happen again I don't wanna deal with that ever That too. Yeah, it's gross. That's ever going to happen again. I don't want to deal with that ever.

That baby shit just stinks. It's a different color. That's how I know I'm not missing anything because I'm like – you know how you're like, oh, I love my kids more than anything. I could deal with anything. I'm like, no. And if a girl was like that and she was like, oh, I want to shit on your face, I'd be like, you got to get out of here.

We're not the people for each other. I don't care how hot you are. Could you do it to someone? Shit on them? No, I mean – You could. Could you do it to someone? Shit on them? No, I mean. You could. I could do it in like a sex dungeon. No one I know.

No. It'd have to be a real stranger. I think you could do it. I think you would actually relish it. I think you could shit on Bert, no problem. Oh, someone I know. I think you could shit on someone as a. Speaking of relish, that's nice to eat before.

I think you could do it as a joke, no problem. Oh, yeah. As a joke, no problem. I could probably cry on someone faster Than I could shit on them That's such a bad idea The comedian Che Durena Yeah

He had like Talking to I forget the name of his podcast But he was talking to his co-host And she was telling a story About how she got a task rabbit And she thought the guy was hot And they were kind of flirting And he was telling a story about how she got a task rabbit And she thought the guy was hot And they were kind of flirting

And he was like, I want you to pee on me Wait, this is delivering the fucking task rabbit to you? The delivery guy said I want you to pee on me? I mean, he was in the apartment building something Doing whatever task rabbits do They come in and construct stuff And he goes, I want you to piss on me And she was like, fine

That was the task? Good way in Only five dollars Five dollars My plumbing's not working And I want a short term fix And they got Piss on me

She got in the tub Or he got in the tub And she started pissing on him And she was like I didn't have a lot of pee She was like I just didn't have the pee that bad So he's like

I need more I need more And then she like Started pissing And he was like Wait This is gross It tastes bad And he's like, wait. This is gross. It tastes bad.

And he got up and left. And that was it. What? He second guessed his choice? Wow. What was that open for? You got to know you like piss to ask a stranger to piss on you. Also, you're watching porn.

Those girls have been drinking nothing but water for 24 hours. Who knows what this girl is? It's like Poland's spring coming out of their pussy. It's probably better water than half the shit we drink. A regular girl, you're getting that fucking dehydrated shit. You're getting that dehydrated pee that's like brown. Asking someone to piss on you who you haven't had eyes on for at least 12 hours. I got to say, if I was that girl, I'd be really –

because you got to assume He's probably done this This can't be the first time Yeah that's offensive And mine is so bad That'll give me a complex This is it It's over I'm never doing this again

It wasn't like I wanna try it finally You're the right person to try it with No This is what I do And you're disgusting Yeah What you just did to me is vile

This is literally my kink And I'm out of here But honestly Pissing on someone It's like almost like It's almost no contact So it's like It's like I know it's way overboard in terms of the list of things to do, but it's like less personal than like a blowjob.

I think it's in the ballpark of a facial when you think about it. Yeah, it is. But even – But it's just way too big a facial. Right. Anytime you're into getting pissed on, you're going to get halfway through. It has to be the right amount of piss too. But even But it's just way too big a facial Right Like anytime If you're into getting pissed off You gotta get halfway through

It has to be the right amount of piss too You can't have one of those like Keep going Morse pisses Where you're like Where it like starts again It's going and going and going It stops

She goes to get up You're like A little more A little more A little more I used to pee on people all the time That was like my Really?

What? Not sexually Oh Just go up behind them? Like in the showers That was like my... Really? What? Not sexually. Not sexually. Oh. Just go up behind them? Like in the showers and stuff like that. What showers? Like hockey practice.

Oh. And I like... Dude. That was like... This is your friend? This is your friend? Oh my God. The straightest thing that happens in a hockey locker room is the pee. Like that was before they started sucking each other's dicks.

Oh, dude. Oh, it got wild. Yeah. Yeah. Hockey locker rooms are, I don't know why, but like hockey locker rooms are always just the weirdest places in the world.

There was some NHL player who would, I think he was Russian, story tracks, but he would like wait until somebody put on their suit, you know, after a game and he would go in behind him

and put their dick in his, in their pocket and then just piss. Yeah, one of our kids, there was somebody like, really annoying. But he was like an enforcer, too, so no one could really do anything about it. Pocket piss.

We got to talk to the chip list guys about that. That's a good one. That's a good bit. Stan Hope did it to me once, actually. I was wearing a suit at All Things Comedy Fest. It was during Punch Drunk. And he was in there, and he was drunk, and he was just like, I think this will, I mean, he was right. He did it to the right guy. I respected it. But it was like punch drunk and he was in there and he just he he was drunk and he was just like i think this will i mean he's right he did the right guy i respected it but it was like

what the fuck he just just pissed on you yeah i think in your shirt oh in a suit lap in a suit in the pocket is really funny yeah but you gotta have like the right height and everything like do you have to like stand up on like a phone book to like i don't know if this guy was just taller the hockey player i was sitting down. I think Stanhope just pissed on me. This has got to be a video of it.

Is it the back pocket or the side pocket? Side pocket. Side pocket. It's like if you open something, that's what you get your dick into.

I don't know. Bro, that is unbelievable. Yeah. Those Chechnyan fucking hockey players. Did you see Titus Piss's pants?

No. We had a guy here. So this guy, Mark Titus, started working here. I'll be honest. When he started, I wasn't too high on him. He blatantly said this is my live tour

bag, live golf. I'm just coming here for the money. He said that. Then there was another clip of him where he was like, we do a lot of challenges and videos here. You don't get here for the money. Oh, really? He said that. I kind of was like, eh. And then there was another clip of him where he was like, you know, we do a lot of challenges and videos here. And you don't get paid for those things. You just do them here at Barstool.

And he was like, I just want to do what I'm contractually obligated to do. I don't really want to. More flair. A couple things that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. And he pissed his pants on camera the other day. And I was like, all right, you're in, bro. Wow. Not that my approval means anything. Let me show you to do this.

But he stood. They had a wooden box Of some sort That they put towels in And he just stood there It takes a couple seconds And he kind of pulls it off And then

I don't know what he's working with But great news for him The piss started about here When I piss my pants It starts about there And I do it every day Halfway down the leg. And then, by the way, Titus pisses a lot.

The jeans were so wet, they became shiny. I think the room was like, okay, all right, you did it. You proved it. But, I mean, he was very like – he was one of the guys who was kind of like barstool. We like to pardon my take-eyes, but I don't know about the rest of you sort of thing you know and now it's like well well well well have the turntables that's how the comedy store was you see people come and they're like just christians or something and like well i want to be a comedian and then you're in that environment of misfits and eventually it's like you'll get broken yes you will break you will

break yeah we've had multiple like we're gonna be, we're going to be like, we're going to make it happy here. We're going to make it better here. And, like, they have, like, this brightness in their eyes. See you later, bitch. And, like, within three months, it's just, like, they're pissing their pants. Barstool brings out their inner X-Man, like, mutant. Yes. Yeah, mutant's a good way to put it.

It, like, activates the gene and you become fucking – I mean, literally, the people who do what he's talking about, like, we're going to work on this, are gone. They're no longer here. A lot of people, mostly when you come here, you stay here. It's the people that tried to change that almost exclusively are the ones who quit or get run out or whatever. And the rest of us are just mental misfits. You can't even describe what they have to do. We did Barstool Survivor a couple weeks ago. What is that?

Like, you know, the game show Survivor. So you live in the office 24 hours a day. You compete in these activities, like games, and then vote people off. Did she do it? She did it last season. Okay. This season was like Survivor All-Stars. So basically we did it for two seasons.

I was the host. 24 hours you stay in here? Well, we did it for a whole week. But, like, you can't ever leave the I'll do it next time So You'd be in terror Yeah you would be

You're not allowed You're not allowed The thing's gonna be over Where's Ari Has anyone found him I take it seriously Embedded in the wall Yeah you would for sure

I'm like no there's no killing What's this Tell me no killing The first two seasons We did it With, like, new people and up-and-comers, and it was such a big success. Dave liked it and was like, we should do it with, like, the all-stars. So it was, like, 14 of, like, the original guys, the craziest guys. So it was a hundred grand prize.

It was, like, all on the line. And it was, I mean, it got, it was fucking, it was dramatic. Do you guys vote people out, too, every day? Every day. It was, like, so there's a challenge. If it was, I mean, it got, it was fucking, it was dramatic. Do you guys vote people out too every day? Every day. It was like, so there's a challenge. If you win, you're safe. It was just like Survivor. And then your coworkers get together and vote you off.

And when there's 100 grand on the line, it's like, hey, yeah, we're all boys. Like, it'll be fine. And it's like, no, no, it's not. Like, shit got very real very quick. It was, it was. If I did it, I would would say i don't want the money but i want that hundred grand going to not palestine to hamas in the name of dude he got offered with the line regarding goes more terrorist attacks

you know i realized i was watching again um uh boratat, and it was just on, and I was doing other stuff, and so I wasn't watching it, and I realized his Kazakhstan, he's speaking Hebrew. Really? Yeah. I never noticed when I was watching the movie, but I just wasn't watching it. I was like, oh, I know what he's saying. Is it like broken Hebrew? No, it's like Hebrew.

He just knows Hebrew. What was he saying? Everything he said in there was just, I don't know, whatever. Whenever he's speaking Kazakh, it's just Hebrew. Is there anything interesting? Is it like an Easter egg? No, he's speaking Kazakh, it's just Hebrew. Is there anything interesting? Like is it an Easter egg? No, he's just saying like real things. Really?

Like what he would be saying. Yeah. I don't like these people or whatever. That was great, man. What? Borat. When Borat hit, I was like, you know, now it's like there's been so many types of those things. He's obviously still the best at it.

He's the man, though. But when he did it, man, holy shit. At his best, fucking unbelievable. I did it man holy shit at his best fucking unbelievable I did a movie with his chick Isla Isla Fisher

yeah and she was talking they were talking about breastfeeding what movie was that it's terrible I'm embarrassed to have done it what is it

she can't talk about it you're on strike oh yeah he was keeping up with the Joneses wait I thought the strike was over no

that's the best yeah that's what I love so the writers strike started yeah you dickhead actors jumped on board they ended it and they're just still going yeah because we didn't get what we wanted yet yeah it's so funny and then snl's like we're different so we're gonna do whatever yeah i'm like how's snl up and running because they just need to you know it's like yeah i got i got an email about what hallow Halloween costumes I'm allowed to wear for SAG.

But then I'm watching Saturday Night Live and everyone's not working. I'm like, how the hell is this happening right now? I just love the actors. Let's get back to work stealing Denmark reality shows. Is yours any end in sight? No. We're going to lose.

Take whatever they... Here's my thing. This is great for the strike year. We are not an industry that is needed. Do you understand? You just said, we went on, oh, the actors are still on strike. You wouldn't know if teachers are still on strike.

Or cops. Or garbage men. They run the world. All the people. Finish it. Get settled. Teachers, even teachers, you're like, where am I going to put my kids?

Settle this shit. I got to get out. I got to go to work. We are not, people will not know until the Super Bowl's over. They're like, oh shit.

There's no new Yellowstones coming out? I think there's still a good portion of the world who think Yellowstone is having new ones. Because they're putting them on cbs that's what i have a karate shows coming on every new life suits yeah yeah it's all happening well the funny thing about that is too that like because i think so many like streaming shows

and are just like bad that like when a show that was written by like writers gets put on streaming they're like this is amazing! How do they make shows like this? Well, they paid people. We're 100% a luxury. You have no power in negotiating.

I agree with everything they're trying to get. The producers need it too. They need the actors to fall in line. Eventually, but there's so much stuff left over. It's the perfect level for a longer strike. Because you're right. I think even if teachers get garbage, even if they had a real beef, both sides would be, aside from the table, going like,

I mean, we can't not. We've got seven days to figure this out before the economy falls apart. Yeah, like the garbage, like society will crumble. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So we will cave and you will cave and we will get this done.

Like Biden steps in with the automaker worker. Yeah, yeah. He's joining the picket line. Right, they'll just let you guys go. He probably doesn't even know the SAG strike's still going. Right, right.

There's no intervention. There's no need for it to end. I worked with the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce I worked for someone Who used to be a stewardess At Eastern Airlines And she goes

You know We went on strike And I was like How'd it go? She goes There's no more Eastern Airlines Yeah There you go

We're just like We actually can't give you Any more money And they just folded Right That's why I think People are like Oh comedians

Do you ever start a union? We're not dumb enough We understand our value No one needs us You can find other laughs I think something's going to happen with music I think the streaming thing is too much of an imbalance That's crazy when they get paid

A fraction of a fraction of a penny No one would even see your stuff Cracker was the big band It got played 20 million times No one would have see your stuff. It's Cracker was the big band. It's like, lo, that's a song by Cracker. It got played 20 million times. No one would have discovered it if not for Spotify. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, yeah, but they did discover it.

So give me some of it. There is some truth to that. But I think if the big dogs got together and said, like Taylor Swift and Jay-Z and the country music. They'd have to all join in. It has to be the top dogs. And good luck getting that done. Yeah.

Because those guys, I think, also do get a better spot. Because then you're going to have some country-western guy being like, I can't let my crew down, and I've got to still hit the road and make music. What they could really do is if those guys, Jay-Z doesn't really tour much anymore, but like Beyonce and Taylor Swift and all these guys, Kanye, everybody big, Arcade Fire, goes, hey, Ticketmaster, we're not playing until you lower your fees to 15% or below. That would have been – that's what I thought.

But I think those guys – but they make all their money on touring because it's streaming shit. So they're not going to fuck with their touring money. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst one to me. Everyone has to tour now. What you need to do is tell Ticketmaster we're not going to tour until you tell Spotify to change it. You know what I mean?

Then everybody gets on board. Because I think a lot of these guys say we don't care about streaming or even album sales anymore. It's just about touring. No, I mean Ticketmaster for the touring part. Yeah. You ever get two $30 tickets and you're like, they're like $410. And you're like, wait, what? Yeah.

Didn't they used to have a list of the top 10 gross albums of like the week or the month or whatever it is? Like, do you even, I don't even know what is a good number now. Like so-and-so sold a million albums this month or whatever. Yeah. I don't even know what the benchmark is. My dad called me and asked me like, this is a while ago now, but he was like, what's, I don't know why he just called me randomly. He's like, what's the best three song Run on any album

I remember that I was like I don't Green Day Had a good one On Dookie No there was Specifically

You don't know anymore There was a three You're saying three in a row Yeah Alright The one was It was four to start an album Was the one we had

Over the summer too Which was very specific But I was like This is awesome Yeah Like the first Song one, two, three, four of an album

that you just put on and it records he had so many good examples he had a ton but I was like I don't know any what's that? because he remembers albums

yeah and I was like I don't know I hit play and put it in my pocket I don't even know the names of any of the songs I remember

a lot of people just put out tracks one song and another month here's another song that's what Drake does I remember buying an album being like I bought it for this one song and now it here's another song yeah i remember buying an album being like i bought it for this one song and now it's like i would never put out an album just put out

just individual songs there's no reason to do it people are doing that with comedy now it's not necessarily an album it's like a five minute clip every month right like little bits i feel like the special kind of year like people it was always an hour and then now people are toying around with that and then yeah even to the point where it's just like you just need a single joke to go viral yeah do clips for clips do a special for like a picture I agree with that yeah but I also think sometimes you guys are

a little like you're still apprehensive to put material on the internet and I get why but also it's like you go if you have a great joke and it goes like mega viral you could like your career could be made like from that one yeah somebody so and you never know what show is gonna be a chunk on this hamas israel stuff and and salak is like we should record that like it's

for live audiences only it's too uh it's too explosive for sure that's that's certain things are only you know yeah i want people i want to see the people walk out. Yeah. See the face of horror. If you watch this, you agree to record yourself walking out of your living room. All right, so the tour starts when? Tour starts November 1st in Omaha. We go to Minneapolis, Madison, Chicago, Louisville, Indianapolis. And then I got a bunch more in San Francisco.

I'm doing the Palace of Fine Arts. January 13th. That's a Grammy spot, sounds like. That's a Grammy spot. That's a good place to take a Grammy and put it on stage. I think there's a chance that somebody, Jewish people, listen to your thing and give you a shot. I hope it was the best thing I've done. How upset would you be if Gillis got it?

He didn't put an album out that year, so it would be tough. What does that even mean, album? Like you put your special on an album? Yeah, exactly. So it's not like there's multiple. A lot of the Netflix ones don't even do an album, or they might just do it, upload it quickly. Oh, that's how it is.

It's not a special necessarily. No, special is like the Emmy or Golden Globe, and then Grammy is just for the audio version. Right, but it just means audio comedy, right? It's not like, I think Adam Sandler used to do like an album

with like skits and songs. Yeah, well that too, that would have been nominated. Back then it was like mostly just albums. But for the Grammys, you're not gonna,

they're not gonna watch it and take it into the visual account. I was gonna say the visual account. I'm hoping they do because I put enough into it. I hope they do it like in court with like strike that from the record.

Yeah, but everyone heard it. You know how you watch it exactly yeah you might not it's not official but everyone saw what it looks like yeah i mean it's it's is it weird is it weird for you i mean i say this in a uh in as a compliment but you know like that's the best thing you'll ever do probably right like that's kind of it's kind of cool way to have that that like you have like you're when you're dead like you're magnum opus but also it's all downhill from here bro it's all down yeah i was talking to sal about it like he was like you know i gotta make something good it's like oh your thing was so good and i gotta do something good so i'm like yeah what do you what am i gonna do not as good but but but

like you have it at least yeah Yeah, at least I have it. And I try. I'm slowing down because of that. I'm like, let me make the next one better. You should, though. But I also think most people will be like, well, this one wasn't as good as Jewel, but come on. You got to do the Bryan Cranston from Seinfeld where you just become a new religion and just do it for Catholicism. That's it.

I'm going to go far. I'm going to do just jokey jokes. I think I got to go completely departure. You should. Trying to replicate that. So just be like, these are regular jokes. Yeah. I mean, it's like who you were for a while.

It's like what you were. I mean, it's like the culmination. You just did it when you were in your 40s. Yeah. You probably should kill yourself. You know what? You win. On the boss though.

If you killed yourself, you would win that Grammy. Yes. We fake it? At least fake your death. At least fake. Tragedy news coming out of Chicago today. Bus crash. Dump, bus dump.

800 pounds of shit and Ari Javier fell off the fucking bridge. He went to stop it. Yeah, he was taking a dump while they dumped the dump. He got slipped through the crevice into the river. We had someone at our live show the other day ask if you got 15 people to commit mass suicide, what would be the best way to do it? To convince them? Yeah. To convince them or to get them to all the killer shows at once.

But it wouldn't be fooling them into going into a woodchip. No, no, no. They're doing it on purpose. That would be funny. I love to hang and they're all like in a big circle and they're like Oh, he died first! He's dead first! Oh, hold on!

We can all watch each other hang. Yeah, and they do those office things where they go like this. Yeah, yeah. So you can do one of those pendulum things, swimming back and forth. That'd be fun. That would be very cool. 15, 20 people.

That's good. Yeah, that is good. The guy who asked it, I forget, we asked him a question back, and he was like, oh, I'm not the leader of it. I was like, dude, in your suicide fantasy,

you're not the leader. You're like, I'm just going to go along with whatever they say. I said, that's the lowest self-esteem I've ever heard. Yeah, that's a beta.

Even in this complete made-up fantasy, you're like, whatever my friend says. Whatever the cool guy says. Bro, you want to kill yourself? You just tell me what time it went up. I've been waiting. What do I got to bring? That's a good friend, though. That's a down-ass friend.

That's similar to you jumping on this bus with him, man. Godspeed, bro. Yep. All right, so everyone gets their tickets. But I also got a ton of new dates coming out this week all through the midwest detroit i don't know savannah a bunch of places knoxville third show in boston i'll tell you where you're not going to be in philadelphia uh november 11 16 through the 18th at helium comedy club because i'm gonna be there that's right tickets on sale steve rennazizi.com love it

thank you boys yeah guys this is great thank you i've had a piss for the last hour 20. we jump right in i was gonna go right before you like let's start now i'm like okay travis kelsey's making a big mistake let's get rolling. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.