KFC Radio - The Barstool Union, Brian Austin Green, and Pauly Shore

Episode Date: August 15, 2019

Barstool drama swirls as Dave fights back against a non-existent Barstool Union, complete with Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Donald Trump Jr. weighing in. Yahoo might be the worst company of all time. Adriana Chechick's teeth. Slut functionality. Do astronauts jerk off? Can you complain about loud neighbor sex? Who would you choose as a cellmete? Brian Austin Green talks about the 90210 reboot, Megan Fox and how he didn't realize he'd been robbed. Pauly Shore discusses his Random Rants show, how social media has changed the landscape of comedy, and how he could've been a more dramatic actor.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio. Nope, that's not how I do it. What did I say? It's another edition of KFC Radio, presented by... And it's not presented, right? Fucking A. It's another edition of KFC Radio. Today's episode is brought to you by Roman. The folks at Roman, they want you to

get your rocks off, but they want the ladies to get their rocks off. Much like we are the number one feminist podcast in the world, Roman, while focusing on dick pills, is actually a feminist company. I agree with that. Because they want to make sure girls are getting theirs. They want to make sure that guys are lasting

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almost like a condom wrapper. Pop open a little swipe, it's like one of the moist towelettes that you wash your hands after you eat buffalo wings yeah it's like a wet nap wet nap and you wipe it on your uh wipe on your dick and it desensitizes your dick doesn't numb it doesn't reduce like all of the uh i was about to say flavor uh it doesn't reduce all the feeling but it uh you know it just scales it back so that you're not going to bust too quickly and it's not just a one-time thing as you use them more and

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You got to do this consistently. God bless you. Stop sneezing during the show. It's ridiculous. I think you're doing it on purpose. I think we have allergens in here. Allergens. They are a pussy if you have allergies, let's be honest.

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Our show will be in the books. It will be another massive success and we'll probably already be on to planning our third live show at Caroline's. So if you're listening now, get ready. We got another set of tickets coming. But tonight, everybody's you know, there's a little energy in the air. A little

palpable that we're going to be back on stage once again. Is that what you're going to wear? I was going to ask you the same thing, bro. I'm going with what I usually do. Plain old T-shirt, jeans. You're going with your bowling shirt. You're going with your bowling shirt. Go to barslocal.com slash KFC.

You decide which one of us look better. I've got a pretty fucking good idea which one it is. I mean, is this a repeat? I was last week. Yeah, this is the one that I said belongs hanging on the wall. It's like an abstract piece of art. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Belongs in the moment. You said it belongs in the museum. Yeah. Because you're a try-hard asshole. Yeah.

Because you are a try-hard asshole. This is try-hard. Go look. If you're watching on Gold, you can just look at a try-hard asshole. I disagree. I don't think try-hard at all. Some people think an asshole looks like that. Nope. Nope.

Looks like that. Looks like you. A very colorful asshole. A tie-dye asshole. Yeah. But you're an asshole. Like an asshole that had a popsicle in it. Looks like you fucked yourself with a popsicle.

Yeah. How about this? This asshole, speaking of popsicles, I called him last night, and he's like, and I was like, what? And he's like, I'm sorry, I'm eating a popsicle. And I can hear him deep-throating his popsicle. No, I wasn't. I had a piece in my mouth.

I had bitten off a piece that was in my mouth. And I'm like, you know, when a popsicle's in your mouth, I don't like biting the popsicle. I get it soft, and it's more like you break it off rather than bite it i don't bite i know but even then do you suck on it then you chew yeah suck okay because when you chew through that's what i mean like once it's in my mouth i'm at the mercy of the ice yeah you gotta wait till i'm like i just i'm like i was just trying to talk i was trying to smush it against the roof of my mouth yeah and as he was talking i was like just hang up and like just don't even pick up if you know that's what's going on in your mouth right now.

I was like, well, hey, I'm at the dentist. I was asleep on the couch. And Kevin's phone call was what woke me up. But before calling him back, I went and got a popsicle. I know I'm going to have to speak on the phone. Let me get this thing that I have to put into my mouth first. You goddamn asshole. You're an asshole if you do that.

You're an asshole if you... You're an asshole if you do that. You're an asshole if you do that you're an asshole if you if you're an asshole if you do that you're an asshole if you join a union right that's where we're at fuck unions barstool sports has uh that's the thing don't tell me what to do right if i yeah like the best way to get me to join union tell me not to join yeah i am a child tell me not to eat my vegetables tell me i can't eat all my vegetables if you tell me like like, if you're in my mentions yesterday screaming at me that I belong to be a union, if I don't, I'm an asshole and all this shit. Guess what? I'm never joining the fucking union.

You just gave Dave what he wants. I am anti-union, I think. You're a pussy if you sneeze. You're a pussy if you got allergies. You're a pussy if you unionize. You're a pussy if you go to the doctor. Well, that's a fact. That is.

Well, that's what people are making fun of us with that too oh yeah i'll never understand this this whole thing this one i don't know how this works i think this one is the silliest we've ever been involved in because we have never been joking more than this you know what i mean like we're always joking but like like even the lebron thing like when that went crazy i was like guys there's just like a joke about this guy running on the court but i did have an opinion like for real about like you're being you're being an asshole this is like and i guess dave does have a real opinion on you yeah dave does not want you but i mean that's also where i get mad where like everyone's like he's trolling he's not trolling right it's a genuine opinion i guess in the sense that maybe it shouldn't maybe this is exactly what we do then

i mean i guess maybe uh it's it's typical barstool in the sense that it is exactly what i just kind of talked through he does believe in it but he is doing it in a humorous way but i guess what i think is outside of the uh realm of barstool here is like this topic is so foreign to us we're on the rundown being like dave was like i don't know what this means you know what i mean like it's it's like no one knows what it means none of us know what it means none of us wanted it none of us asked for it and the and this one person on twitter said barcelona unionized dave made a joke based in sincerity like most jokes are like i mean he over exaggerated he does he does he does not want a barcelona union that's for sure that's for sure but he's not like

he's not firing people he's not sure. But he's not firing people. He's not chopping heads off. He's not – he doesn't even really know what it means. I mean we were joking that if we unionized, he would unionize and lock himself out. Like it was just a funny fucking joke. And we got Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez talking about it like it's a threat to the American way of life. Donald Trump Jr. jumping in. Gun Mom jumping in.

Come on, guys. Come on. What is wrong with people? We don't do click bait, per se. We're not baiting you into it. But boy, did you take the bait on this one, in a way. I don't know. Dave retweeted an old blog that he wrote years ago, which was funny, the way. And when he was like, we'll see how you, you know,

no more fancy weddings for you. Okay. I see like everybody got everything. Everyone was doing, it was like a good time capsule of Barstool. It was like everything that was happening four or five years ago, like he had in that blog. Uh, but like they, you know, it's like we, we trolled them without really trying to troll. They did it to themselves. You know, it's like everybody took it seriously. Everybody put it on their timeline. Everyone's retweeting it and everyone's making jokes that are like shots at us if we

actually cared but we don't so it's it's amazing despite a track record of being serious literally zero percent of the time ever everybody still takes us everything is taken seriously and you know what i'm getting real sick of because i I saw any sense. This had maybe the biggest, uh, the biggest wave of blue checks like ever. I think as said, like legitimately, he's never seen and he's watching everything on social. He said,

he's never seen more of like the blue check night, a blue check mark, white night brigade, uh, than this. I'm getting sick of the people who are like, I don't, what,

what is Barstool? I don't even know what they do. It's like by now you definitely fucking know. Maybe you don't read, maybe you're not a fan. You know what they do it's like by now you definitely fucking know maybe you don't read maybe you're not a fan you know what we do it's like belichick when he snaps to graham and stuff like that it's like you know the fucking social media sites and you know what barstool does even if you don't like it you know you're bad at your job right you should know it's we that used to happen to us when we were much smaller in boston when like you know some globe writer or whatever would be like i don't even know who barstool is i don't care what they think well guess what if you were in if it was six years ago when you worked at the ball the boston globe and you didn't know what barstool sports were

you were bad at your job and you're fucking telling on yourself yep absolutely like you are behind the times you don't know what the fuck you're talking about anymore but that's what like fucking shaughnessy my dad called me the other day told me almost wrote a letter to dan shaughnessy because shaughnessy wrote about how he's been in the business for 50 years or whatever. And at the end of it was like, thank you for all my readers who stuck with me, the ones who don't read Barstool and don't play Fortnite. And my dad was like, what a goddamn idiot. How stupid can you be and not be in touch?

You think you write for the Boston Globe and your readers don't read Barstool Sports? What are you, a fucking moron? I mean, by the way, I don't even know if you have any more readers left, period. So I don't even know who you're thanking, but give me a fucking break. Shout out to your dad, though, about the pen and letter. Yeah, I know. He was like, I almost wrote a letter, but I went to church instead. Alright, Dad.

What a perfect old guy. He's not old! Don't call him old, he'll come fucking kick your ass. Very, like, Catholic guilt type of like well you got you know one of two things i could either hand write a letter to complain or like pray to god these are my only options my only recourse here uh the craziest thing though and and this is not new but i think this is the best example of it this and the stuff with girls when people just refuse to acknowledge that the employees who are

in here are are happy to be here right like parcel treats women terribly and all the girls say no they don't and we know because we work here and they're like well they're just forced to say that or something you know like whatever their excuse is they just refuse to acknowledge that the girls are happy here they can't seem to wrap their mind around the idea that like the employees here are are i don't want to say happy we're not happy but the employees here fully recognize and understand there is absolutely no need for a union i'll leave it at that like maybe some are happy but everybody here's like we don't need this at all you know what i might do i might take the rest of the year off just to prove like and

like well am i protesting the fact that we don't have a union? Or am I using my unlimited vacation days that I have to clear with absolutely nobody? I don't know. I guess we'll never find out. Now, that's funny you say that, though, because I, you know, vacation days I think would be one of the first orders of business in the Barstool Union because while technically unlimited they they're unlimited but not allowed don't come without punishment so you can do it just be be prepared to have your boss come down on you with the you know the fire of a thousand suns and hate

you for life but if you're okay with that there's nothing there's nothing stopping you from going i would take every other day would be i'd be be like I'm protesting in no union today. Tomorrow is a vacation day. So I still – it's just like keeps everyone guessing. What's his mood? Depends what side of the bed I wake up on. Am I pro-union today or am I like I feel like going to the beach? It's one or the other. What I did hate the most about this is the people who like – all of us being very honest about like we can take vacation whenever we want

our hours are completely made up on our own we're all pretty well paid uh there's no like you know harassment or hazard here like all we were doing was like just being you know just praising dave and barstool you know what i mean i mean i don't think so it's not a culture he created no it's actually when he like rallies it's all it's all in despite of it yeah despite him right that's true so so actually that's why you know union or not the world should be praising it's erica it's erica it's erica yeah erica culture that the the reason why we don't need a union the reason why we kind of do need a union is dave portnoy the reason why we end up not actually doing it though though, is Erica Nardini. Because let me tell you.

Erica stepped up for me like multiple times. Usually a CEO wouldn't even know who you are. Right. And she's going to bat for you. I can go take a nap in her office. We don't need a union against Barstool. We need a union against Portnoy. Yeah.

It's not an anti-Barstool thing. Which is the union. So again, maybe we just make a union. Maybe we do need it's not an anti-bar which is the union so maybe like again maybe we just make a union erica might join in yeah someone was like you can't uh you know if you have equity you can't like protest uh unionize i was like yes i can like well it doesn't make sense it's a conflict of interest i don't care don't care does it get porto what's more important i hate portnoy more than more than i care about my that's because they think if you have equity you have some say yeah that's all the other things. Like that's not true.

Like no one's going to be protesting like me. It's not like I, I put it into any policies that you don't like. I got nothing, man. I got no swing here. I got no pull. I can't get anything done.

Trust me. I mean, I'm pretty fucking miserable. Actually. There's a lot of things I would change that I just can't. Um, so I mean, but what a what a

wild turn of events with aoc and then donald trump jr and i mean uh i remember when trump jr came over the office like an earthquake i don't know if the front of the office gets uh internet first probably it was like it happened like in the front of the office and it just came rumbling back the wave just no oh no oh no everyone's just standing up being like let us handle this let us deal with this you don't know what you're doing do you would you do you subscribe to that there's like no such thing as bad publicity would you rather not have the trumps mentioned barstool sports no i don't give a fuck yeah i don't i think it's i think it's just great for fodder it's great for material yeah i think it makes the rounds it's great for fodder material for everybody because then everyone else will be like a bunch of trump boys and then blah blah

and around and around we'll go forever and ever and that's why i i think the no such thing as bad publicity adage comes from like veterans of the game. Cause when you're coming up, like that's, I don't think that's true or you don't believe that it's true. It's like, you don't want bad press. You're,

you know, your, your feelings are hurt or you're worried about your, whatever. If you have thick skin and you're kind of like, you're good enough at your job and you're bulletproof and you've made it throughout the years. I think eventually you do subscribe to it where it's like,

okay, yeah, whatever. Trump, people are going to say we're Trump and then that's going to be a thing. But then, then people realize we're actually libtards and that, you know, and it where it's like okay yeah whatever trump people are gonna say we support trump and then that's gonna be a thing but then then people realize we're actually libtards and that you know and it doesn't fucking matter like you said around and around we go so by that point now i think we're at the no such thing as publicity for sure um the the the president i think uh i can't believe you guys thought he was gonna say something i think he will i think i

think i think i think i think that d Dave will continue this fight with AOC, and it will not be over the unions. It will just become a Dave Portnoy AOC. Oh, okay, that, sure. Because he can't say anything. He's very pro-union. But as soon as Dave shifts this from a just union talk to anti-AOC, Donald Trump physically cannot stop himself from throwing a retweet out there.

If he sees Dave just say something like, you know, Alexandria, oh, communist Cortez, like, he will not be able to stop himself. So, yes, he will not be anti-Union. But this is, you know, Dave's going to, I mean, Dave hasn't even gone on Tucker Carlson yet. Like, when he goes on that, this has a whole new life, a whole new cycle. This is not stopping anytime soon. Dave already put out a shirt, the union crusher or something like that.

He's going to keep. So as long as, if he really does become the face of anti-union, then you're right. But I think this will also just become anti-AOC, anti-liberal, anti-all that shit. And Donald Trump, when he sees a popular guy who the boys like, and a lot of retweets and likes coming in, and he can... I mean, I tweeted out, I said, predict the president's tweet to Dave. And some of the shit that people were saying, it's just so spot on how everybody can speak Trump at this point.

It's like, there's a template. And I wonder if Donald is just using the template himself or if he's like, if someone's writing it for him. But sad, sad capital letters to see AOC, parentheses, who knows nothing about business, speak out against the very successful and tremendously popular Barstool Sports. I know Dave Portnoy.

He's done tremendous things with Barstool Sports.ave portnoy seen frequently on tucker on tucker parentheses with huge ratings finally calling out aoc for exactly what she is crazy i mean it is like yep he could say any of those things and all of those things someone said it's all possible on twitter yesterday that i got retweeted was it was not. I'm sure it was anti-USA and anti-the president. But I think it's pretty complimentary to us and anti-the president where it said not thrilled with the ease. Barstool Sports is about. Yes, it's about to.

Ian Schaefer. Yeah. About to influence the president or something like that. No, manipulate. Not thrilled with these. Barstool Sports is about to manipulate the president. Yes, that was... I was kind of like, oh shit, yeah, you're right.

I was like, yeah, that's probably what's going to happen. You're right. He goes, the ease at which Barstool Sports will be able to manipulate a U.S. president will not be something to find funny. Fascinated by the knee-jerk response of all the people on here who think this is all about them and not about a u.s president and the state of temperature of

america right now still president they can do whatever he wants and will handle the heat how he like i mean then he goes kind of too far with it but that that is so funny to be like yeah we are we're playing the puppet we're playing the president like you know how fast things move here yesterday morning we were excited because last night megan fox was going to get told the story about us we have brian austin green on the show he's on today he was one of our best interviews ever he's a super cool dude if you're if you're you know from my generation you watch 90210 you know brian austin green from that but even if you don't make sure you listen to this interview because whether i know i didn't know shit about him i told him i thought he's

gonna be a dickhead yeah he's like a pretty boy from the 90s but then also just turned into a really fucking awesome dude and and and you know what the proof is he married megan fox but he had so much fun with us we he's like we hung around afterwards talking he came over to dance the internet which we weren't gonna ask him to do and then after that's like dude he had so much fun like when his wife asked him how the day was he was kfc radio it was fucking fun we had a blast megan was probably like oh i'm gonna masturbate to those guys later. I was like, Megan Fox is going to learn about us tonight. And by the end of the day, it was the president might tweet about us tonight.

Keep it moving, man. That's how fast things work. Keep it moving. My favorite tweet out of the whole thing was from, I think, a Deadspin guy who was against us. So it's funny. I hate to give him credit, but he just used used the the meme template of the guy shirt that says, like, I am a like gun carrying American who doesn't take no shit without capital letters. And so John Iceman, he does it for Portnoy. I am president of Barstool Sports.

I think unions are for pussies. I eat cocaine for breakfast and Adderall for dessert. I love making women uncomfortable and heart attacks at the age of 40. And if you don't like it, I will film you in the shower. I got 2,700 retweets and 30,000 likes, and I think they're all Barstool fans. I think they're all Barstool fans i think they're all barstool fans you're like a tip of the cap good sir i feel like funny man and we can admit funny's funny 100 funny 100 man and and you know what's funny to go back to shaughnessy like uh you're not doing

your job well i thought that was a stoolie and so i click on it and i open his thing up and it says follows you i'm like oh he must be a stoolie and then i realized he's a deadspin writer who's just doing his due diligence following us to find what he's gonna write next but that shit had me fucking rolling some of the reactions were way over the top and like stupid some of them were goddamn hilarious it is so crazy that i again i roll my eyes when people take it too seriously but then when you realize that yeah it's probably going to be discussed in the White House tonight you're like Jesus Christ how about this Kirk Minahan texted me last night

he says 10% chance Dave Portnoy will become the President of the United States and he goes I'm not joking I'm not joking he was like these people who are deathly loyal are going to age up and eventually be the bulk of voting and like anything can happen like there are no rules with trump anymore and i was like

you're right you know like i don't think i don't think he's gonna be the president but i think everything you're saying is true to the point that uh if you if you consider that donald trump has broken the rules like there's just no rules to follow anymore, I think we're going to actually swing back. People are going to be like, wow, that was a little crazy. But if you subscribe to the idea that now it doesn't have to be the stereotypical politician and you think about the stool-y age group becoming the main class of Americans, I don't think he's going to be the president, but I do think anything can happen. I think it's all – I think anything is possible at this point. I agree. I agree.

I mean he almost became the mayor of Boston by accident. He didn't come that close to becoming the mayor of Boston. I think he could have if he was – how about that? If his size now, he become mayor of Boston? No, because it was still not organized enough. Yeah. become mayor of boston no because it was still not organized enough yeah but like i uh you're right but i think and that's obviously a huge important part of it but i think the the like popularity is there like the the uh misguided thought that like it's a good idea i think is

there yeah i think you have to get like 75 000 signatures or something like that yeah we would never be able to do that i think we got 5 000 but also that's a long time ago dude i think you have to get like 75,000 signatures or something like that. Yeah, we would never be able to do that. I think we got 5,000. But also, that's a long time ago, dude. I think you get 75,000. But it wasn't... We could have got 75,000 then. It wasn't that long ago. It was like four years, three years ago. The popularity was there then, too.

Yeah. There's no one wanting to go get signatures. Right. But the idea, I mean, at least in his little hometown, he's probably got the population brainwashed enough that he he could yeah yeah it's not it's crazy it's crazy but listen everybody here at barstool understands got it pretty good and all like all the people who are in unions like good for you it's fine we're not yeah stop we get it like that's i got a good taste what unions are gonna say it's people

you don't know yelling at you that they know what's best for you leave me the fuck alone right and uh and some people need it and other people i think you unionize and you completely overplay your hand and you end up looking like a fucking asshole which is exactly what happened to tumblr overplaying your hand brought to you by dollar shave club when i think of dollar shave club i think of uh stress, affordable products, ease, convenience, looking good, feeling good, smelling good. The seven things that Dollar Shave Club provides to you every single month delivered right to your door. Those seven things. I can't remember what they are, but those seven things. You can get razors, you can get toothpaste and toothbrushes, hair products, skin products, bath, toiletries, all that delivered right to your door every single month.

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make it a little bit better, and change the name, and it's like, oh, fuck yeah, Dollar Shave Club. Honestly, these are things everybody, every guy, and every girl needs these things. So I ask you to do it through Dollar Shave Club. Support them, support the show. If you're going to be buying these things, you might as well buy it through these guys and have it delivered right to your door with no stress. And everything's a lot cheaper than it is in ACBS. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash KFC. All right, Tumblr. Shout out to Tumblr. Today is the 10th anniversary of the last post I ever put up on For Sure Not. And the only reason For Sure Not happened

and the only reason I ended up here at Barstool and the only reason I'm doing this show is because I found Tumblr, which made it like you were able to start a blog if you were as dumb as Marty Mush. It was like as simple as humanly possible to like click post, picture, text, done. You got yourself a blog if you were as dumb as marty mush it was like as simple as humanly possible to like click post picture text done you got yourself a blog and then uh it morphed into like gifs and

then it morphed into porn allegedly supposedly i wouldn't know because i'm an adult and i watched hardcore porn on porn hub and you jews i'll go scroll and read it like frankie borelli or tumblr i mean come on what are the odds there that you find something good you Jews. I'll go scroll on Reddit and it's like Frankie Borelli or Tumblr. I mean, come on. What are the odds there that you find something good? I'm going to go somewhere where I can search. Bam. This is what I want. I've heard a lot of girls tell me that they loved the porn on Tumblr. That, I think, makes sense.

My impression of what Tumblr porn was is black and white, lesbian, and love. They're making love. I want full technicolor i want borderline like violent assault scenes and i don't want love i want to see your asshole so tumblr was not for me tumblr porn was not my scene but a lot of people liked it and it was a huge deal uh when it was at its peak yahoo bought that shit for a billion.

1.3 billion. 1.3 billion dollars. No, I'm sorry, 1.1 billion. Either way, we're talking Billy with a B. By the way, it's crazy that Yahoo is still huge. Oh, I'm going to break it down for you shortly. I'm going to give you why Yahoo might be the worst business in the history of this. It's got to be, but yet still somehow they were able to throw around billions and i guess you know case in point they buy tumblr for a billion

they get rid of the porn they just stop like how's the world is trending like the total opposite direction right no slut shaming everyone's sex positive nipples are everywhere instagram you know like whatever sex is completely like accepted in our culture almost now and they're like no no we can't do porn and then they didn't get rid of it right away they wait i think they went a few years but that was their plan and they gave it an end date they were like you know you have until now and then we're taking it away and they just flipped it for how much john uh they flipped it for three million dollars under three million3 million. Million with an M. So we're talking from 1.1 bill to 1 point. They lost $1.08 billion by going against sluts.

Don't ever go against. Brandon didn't like that. Don't ever go against sluts. Don't go against porn. Don't because you lose. It's called the power of the pussy for a reason. Sex sells. Taking away sex does not sell. don't because you lose it's called the power of the pussy for a reason sex sells how we're away sex does not sell it it it's it's incredible and it's still like a thing that people get mad

at us for where they'll get mad at us for posting pictures of girls who want to be posted it's not because they're fucking sluts and we're allowed to do that now probably have to take that out yeah yeah they want they want to post the pictures they're everyone's like encouraging it i want to be a model one day motivating instagram empowering right no slut shaming here no kink shaming here but apparently yahoo is all about yahoo they saw like one furry porn and melissa what's her name melissa melissa mccarthy who was the owner yahoo when they banned this? Melissa Mayer, I think. Melissa Mayer.

Melissa Mayer saw one furry porn and was like, absolutely not. I don't know what the hell. This thing with a dildo in its ass that comes with a tail. But this has not happened on one of my properties. I can get that. I can understand you are not into the world of porn and you see some shit and you might be like, what is this all about? You don't have to like it, but you can't go against it. It's the oldest profession.

It's all the old adages, sex sells, oldest profession in the world, power of the pussy. All that shit exists for a fucking reason. Pussy is like an infinity stone. It's got power, man. You control that shit, you control the goddamn world. Thanos' plan wouldn't have even worked if he was just, like, horny for some chick. He'd be like, you can have all the stones, whatever, just fuck me. Just fuck my gigantic, wrinkly, purple dick.

Like, that's all it takes. I mean, that was the original story. Right. That's the comic book story. He's trying to fuck death. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Pussy was so powerful, he wanted death so bad, he was like, I'll go wipe out half of humanity for you, babe. That's how bad he wanted to fuck this thing. That's amazing. I did not know that. That's a big reveal. So, I mean, even down. Why did Marvel cut that out? Why are we giving Marvel money?

They're cutting that storyline out. I think it's probably hard to personify death for a movie. That was my thought. Thor's sister is like the queen of hell. So, I thought that that was what the storyline was going to be. He's trying to fuck Hela. And they just weren't weren't like nah he's just like a genocidal maniac that works maybe a little easier but either way half the story in those whole movies either way the the most like powerful genocidal maniac in you know even in fictional history he was chasing

the pussy too so uh if you have a website that is crushing because of smut and porn, don't get rid of it. If it ain't broke. I don't look at, in my entire life, I have probably looked at a smoke show post on Barstool Sports

three times. When I was in high school, I didn't really look at them because I liked Barstool for the other stuff. Some people like Barstool for the girls. Some people like Barstool

for certain stories. Some people like Barstool for podcasts, videos, whatever. People like it for their own thing. I was never in it for the pictures of chicks i i thought dave was funny i liked reading his post all that stuff i i was but i was never like take these off i got deep in the game because i was i was the smoke monster for barstool new york and i had to like it was competitive so we had to make sure we had the best smoke so i was always checking in on it and i mean there was

there i'll say this you know instagram is incredible tumblr incredible like you can find the hottest chicks in the world but when there was no like easy access and it was just like look at these girls who are on facebook from your town it like changed the way i view the world like really yeah because i was like i was not i i had never met any girls as hot as these girls were like i didn't think that they existed outside of like hollywood i was like this is this is like a regular fucking girl that looks like this like why are these girls all not wildly famous why why you know at the time like casey mcdonald was just like um i don't know i'm in

college whatever like i could rattle off the names agatha remember agatha remember annette remember liz i mean these girls i was like you're all you all should be famous like let me be your agent or something changed my outlook on the world but i'm not looking at them like from uh there's a lot of like horny dudes out there who are just looking for like they're just looking right this this was more like i i found it it was like my my scale of uh is one to ten like changed i was like oh that girl from like eighth grade she's now like a six i thought she was in ten but yeah listen that that's a huge part of why barstool became what it is that's a huge part of why facebook became what it is and tumblr was like 2019 good idea to shut down sex yeah if you shut down smut, you're an idiot. But I don't think it's Yahoo's biggest worst decision.

Do you know, in 19... Yahoo turned down buying Google twice. Whoa! Twice Yahoo turned down buying Google.

In 1990... 1997, Yahoo was offered to buy Google. How much do you think for? It's probably like $5 million or something. $1 million.

Oh my God. Like, we could've bought Google. You know what I mean? Dave could've bought Google Cash. what to think for it's probably like five million dollars or something one million oh my god like we could have bought google you know what i mean dave could have bought google cash holy shit was the second one five years later like 10 million google was big it was 97 so we're 2000 2003 now okay 2002 and then they tried to buy google for three billion even though the uh advisor said the company's worth $5 billion. $5 billion is $7 billion. I don't really know what they're worth. There's no fucking way they're going.

So they would have sold for $5 billion in 2002. And they only left with $3 billion. And now it's worth what? I mean, hundreds? I feel like all those companies are approaching a trillion. Holy shit. I didn, it's got to be. I feel like all those companies are approaching a trillion. Holy shit.

Approaching a trillion. Really? I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I honestly didn't even know we were approaching. I didn't even know we were into the hundreds of billions. I would have said that Google was worth like $100 billion. That's it.

How about Facebook? Yahoo declined. Yahoo didn't match. There was a $1 billion offer by Facebook in 2006. Yahoo wouldn't go higher than $875 million. I mean, what's the point? What's the difference there? What is the difference there? Who fucking cares? I swear to God, you know what this sounds like?

The Wilpons. I think the Wilpons are fucking running Yahoo. That is insanely dumb. Oh, you're right. It says Google here is $280 billion. Yeah, that's crazy, though. You could have had it for $1 million. You got $1 million. And $ and five billion and turn it down how about microsoft i can't believe google was even like looking to sell i know that you know like they're just like we're gonna just

dominate you the uh yahoo uh microsoft offered to buy yahoo in 2008 for 44 billion and they said no thanks god you guys are assholes. We're all over the place here. This also says Google's worth $852 billion. Amazon, $879 billion. That makes more sense. When I think of Amazon, Apple at one point was over $1 trillion.

I still don't quite understand. I guess data is the main thing right now. You just acquire data and that's where you make your money. Amazon's at least tangible, but god damn. What a bad fucking... You talk about the things that keep you up at night like the decisions you make that haunt you like the dumb drunk mistake you made or whatever at some point like everyone who's ever worked for yahoo just has to go victoria's secret yes just go fucking kill yourself you really fuck this mr yahoo like you know tim yahoo go fucking kill yourself uh that was a hard kys there there's some stank on that one i really believed it

we're gonna get into voicemails in a minute, but first we got to discuss. Well, keeping with the theme of porn here, I would honestly say the goat is Adriana Cechik. She's up there. Like porn is very, picking your favorite porn star is very subjective. Like it's kind of like picking your favorite movie where you're like, well, am I picking a comedy or a drama or, you action movie that's like porn it's like well am i picking like the prettiest am i picking like the filthiest am i picking like the the hard most hardcore i don't know adriana chuchik is somewhere in between on all of them i mean she's like close to the prettiest and the filthiest right so to me she's the goat now i know she's the goat though after reading this tweet today the the definitive greatest of all time porn moment john alerted me to this and uh we missed it because i don't

follow adriana i think i talked about on a recent episode i just go and check out her page so i missed it let me tell you what this is follow worthy like i might have to throw the follow because if she's tweeting heat like this, I can't. I can't miss that. And I'll say what I just said about the world, the smoke shows opening my eyes and changing my perception of the world. This right here changed my perception of like porn, of sex, of goddamn humanity. This is something I didn't even think I would ever even possibly hear or consider. She said, OK, i'll let you in she

misspelled it okay uh she just forgot you i mean wait i was gonna say those are very easy words there she forgot you okay i'll let in i'll let in a secret how do i deep throat so good i had my dentist shave a lot of the pointed ends of my back teeth and instead of getting root canals i pulled them out you have to be able to choke on it without hurting the dick i'm dedicated so do plastic surgery to all some oh some do plastic surgery to alter their appearance i did oral surgery for slut functionality no dick has ever been harmed in the making of my bj vids i didn't never i didn't know the second part. I only saw the first one. Slut functionality. Yo.

Again, my brain has been changed yet again. Slut functionality is a term that I think all girls should be thinking about. Slut functionality. How can you make your life as a slut more functional? See, I was thinking about this this morning. I'm looking at your teeth right now. You got some fangs right there. You got some sharpness. I wouldn't want you stuck on my dick.

The thing I was thinking about this morning was I was making the argument in my own head about how it's like steroids in baseball where you did something kind of against the laws of nature in order to be better at your job. To excel. To be an immortal. And I was like, you know, we don't shame her for this. This doesn't, you know, if I was someone who does steroids, it never changes how I felt in the moment about when I

watched them fucking bash a home run. Are you saying this is making you think negatively about Adriana Chachin? And I was like, you know, just learning this doesn't change how I think about Adriana Chechik. And then I thought about it a little bit longer. And I said, you know what? I think it does. I think because now when I'm picturing how I felt then, I'm thinking about what was actually happening.

And I'm picturing a girl who was getting teeth shaved and then like in a mirror, just like ripping fucking teeth out. Yeah, me too. And it's, it's different. It's different. It's not negative,

John. I don't know. I don't know if I, so you're not, you're going to keep her out of the hall of fame now, John. I think I might. She's the Barry Bonds of porn.

You're going to put an asterisk on her because she was so dedicated to slut functionality? Yeah, I think when archaeologists find her skull and they find Barry Bonds' skull, they're going to be like, what were these people walking on Earth? Why was this guy's head so big? And why did this chick have teeth at a 35-degree-inch grade that then just disappeared in the back? The archaeologists are going to be – If you want to check, it's going to end up on ancient aliens. Yeah.

Like this is an alien-human hybrid that was like the missing link of evolution. It's not going to make any sense to people. They're going to be like, what the hell kind of skull is this? And Bonds is going to look like – My god, that's funny. They're going to put them together in a museum. Be like, these were the first of a kind. These muscle-bound freaks and these slut functionality aliens that they fucked. Yo, do you remember the voicemail?

You know, like in Egyptian museums where it's like Tudak and Haman and his wife who went buried together? Yeah. They're going to be together. They're going to be together. Adrian Chechik and Barry Bond's skulls. It belongs in a museum! In the mid to late 2000s were these Something happened with humans.

They just shifted and they lost teeth. The men's heads grew. I don't know what it was, but it's crazy. You remember the voicemail we got about how the dentist could tell if you were sucking dick by the blood vessels being broken in your throat like if you study all of Adriana Cechik's like head, body, parts

orifices I think they like archaeologists will conclude that like this is the greatest slut of all time this woman has been penetrated in every which way her esophagus was a balloon it just blew up it was just this fucking It just blew up.

And it was just this fucking, it just didn't make any sense how things came down. And you, yes, I agree with all these things and you're putting a negative spin on it. Look,

I'm not going to say I'm not going to watch it anymore. The best part of Born is that these girls are fucking hookers and they want to be. She takes it to the nth degree. Like,

I want it so bad, I'll remove my fucking teeth for that dick i i i'm not gonna not watch it so like are you saying that uh like heather brooke is out here you know she's doing it natural i think i think we gotta think we gotta look at her teeth we gotta think differently you know but what if she's like we think differently about about like a hank aaron or someone who was hitting all those home runs when you know but what if much like we think differently about about like a hank aaron or someone who was hitting all those home runs when you know he was hitting like double everyone else's home runs yeah yeah think differently what was he doing was was heather brooks shaving her teeth back then well that's what i was thinking like you know i i think uh it's one of those things where you know a lot more guys are on it than you even think you know everybody's on right you know it's like maybe she

was maybe this teeth shaving is you know what i've actually heard that uh everybody a lot of instagram models and they keep it very much on the low they get ribs removed like i've heard that emrata has like her bottom ribs removed to like look skinnier and shit and they keep it on like this super super super down low maybe all these girls have been removing their teeth because i'll be honest i've gotten a blow job every now and then i've had i've had a blow job before. And I'm like, I don't understand when they are just straight up having sex with someone's mouth, how that's working. I just don't get it.

And maybe it's because I've been having oral sex with women who have full-size teeth. I mean, that's the only explanation in my mind, other than unless those guys are either masochists for the pain or their dicks are numb or something like that you're fucking a set of teeth yeah there are times when you're like oh i

can feel what's in the back there that's that's not meant to be don't love that yeah don't love that and you know what our girl adriana did she was like i'll remove that for you baby like evolution says that you can only suck a dick this like this good and i'm gonna break the mold so i'm getting in the face of the gods. She's spitting literally in the face of whoever she blows. In her own face as well. Yes, in her hair and down her face and mascara and everything. I think it's a positive.

I think the dedication to the craft makes it that much more sexy. But I can understand what you're saying. If I was the guys out there who did it natural, who were like, this is unfair, if there's some girl out there giving a toothy blowjob, you know, actually, I'll say this. This is a good thing for you girls and a bad thing for guys. I'm sorry, because there are going to be girls out there being like, oh, I thought I just like wasn't good at getting head. Like I thought I just wasn't talented enough. Now I realize the only way you can do that is to go to extreme, you know, sick, like, painful alterations.

So girls are going to be going like, oh, deep-throating. I'm not even supposed to deep-throat. Sorry, guy. You're going to get a regular blowjob where I just, like, suck on your tip. Would you rather me knock out a few of my teeth so I can't eat fucking steak anymore? Yes. Or that? That would be my answer.

Like, babe, I want you to enjoy food i'll tell you what here it is think about that i got it you know what you ever you ever got tums yeah tums i don't maybe it's just me with sensitivity i can only like chew them like right very back of my teeth well that's because your teeth are falling out because of malcancer i don't have anything but like i have to i have to probably put them way in the back ad Adriana just can't eat foods like that. Adriana just eliminated half the food pyramid so she can build it with this. I've been long trying to come up with a equal gift

from women to balance out the engagement ring. Reciprocity for the ring because you can't just go getting your teeth shaved and pulled out for any old buddy. You know? You got to do that for your husband. But, you know, not everybody's the age of John Cechik. You got to do that for your husband.

If you're going to get married, I'll buy you a ring. You got to get your teeth knocked out so I can fuck your mouth. That, I'll tell you what. You want the key to a long-lasting, happy marriage, John? Think about this. You know how you're like, you know, if, if, if, uh, the girl moves in with me, like, that's it. I'm marrying her. Like if a girl, like you're, you're so afraid to break up with a girl, right? Cause you just feel like,

you know, I've committed to you and I don't want to go through the awkwardness. Imagine a girl who had her teeth knocked out for you. You girls, you knock your teeth out for a guy. He'll put a ring on it right away. And you've got him trapped down for a long time. Cause no one's going to be the guy who's like, yeah, she shaved her teeth off and then I dumped her. You'd be a real fucking asshole. Probably more believable than

fake pregnancy or something like that. If you're really looking to lock a guy down. Make yourself a blowjob machine. Adriana Tretick is just literally trying to turn herself into a sex doll. Except for she hasn't had any surgeries but she's just... She's having at-home surgeries. adriana is just literally trying to turn herself into a sex doll yeah i'm so here for her she doesn't have any surgeries but she's just i mean i mean she's having like at home surgeries yeah yeah what's i mean what's next what's she gonna come up with next she's gonna like add another

hole to her body she's gonna like cut a hole in like her thigh you can like fuck her thigh next what a woman voicemails they're brought to you by Kiwi. Everybody loves a good subscription box, right? There's a lot of wellness boxes, food boxes, cosmetics, fashion boxes. They're all for the adults. What about the kids, though? You got to think about kids. And we got a subscription box that gets delivered right to your door. That's fun.

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What up? My name's Liam. So I'm just sitting outside looking up at the stars. I'm thinking about space. And I want to know if you guys think if any astronauts up there in the space station, do you think they jerk off? You know, big JJO guy. I'm just thinking about if they're just beating off up in space right above me.

And if you think they beat off, do you think that there are any female and male astronauts that have had sex up in space? So that's what I'm thinking about. Alright, let me know. Thanks, Diva. I mean, that's like the only thing to do in space.

If you're up in the space station, those guys who go up basically by themselves. Do you think they're not blasting off? I don't know. I know there are a lot of issues with body functionality in space. So I don't know. Maybe you can't get your dick hard or something like that? I was thinking like, because I know for sure there was an issue with – they had to figure out something different to send women to space because like how they pee. And it was like something would get blocked up.

We've talked about this before. It's a broken faucet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine that in space. At least it's a broken faucet. It all goes down here on earth. Broken faucet in space it's just going everywhere i think i i think maybe semen itself gets would get trapped somewhere or even worse what if you jerk off and you don't catch it all

yeah you got a comforter on the space station yeah imagine you go to bed one night you're an astronaut you go to bed one night you're like this is a is a great night up in space. I am loving this. Great night here in space. This is fantastic. I'm going to get a great night's sleep because it's so silent and there are no sirens and there's no bright lights and everything. It's going to be amazing. I'm so excited to sleep tonight. And you wake up and you got Buzz Aldrin's cum on your face.

Because he didn't catch it. It's been floating around since the 60s. Because he didn't catch it. And it just floating around since the 60s. Because he didn't catch it. And it just smacked you. That's how you wake up. Buzz Aldrin cumming on your face. Yeah. I mean, I think of when I see, like, they eat, like, Jell-O in space,

and they eat the astronaut food, and it kind of floats around, and they, like, bite it. Oh, you know what I'd eat is I'd eat Adriana Cechik to make a porn in space. Imagine her swimming through the air trying to get all the gum. That would be amazing. But for the regular folk, you're right. I bet you. I think it's like almost if you're stuck in traffic with a friend and they have to pee.

And you're like, okay, dude, you can use a bottle, but do not fucking miss. Because if you get any of this anywhere, I'm going to be furious. If it's an emergency, I will let you do it. Yeah. But you better fucking get it all. Now, what about this? What if there's like a jerk-off room? Like a smush room?

Like a smush room for space. A smush room where you don't have to catch it and all the walls are just like a Jackson fucking Pollock? Or we're talking about the most brilliant scientific minds in the world we're talking about sending people up into into a uh a whole other world oftentimes alone or very very secluded for like years on end you don't think they they plan these guys coming you don't think that they have a room that is taking this into account i bet you they have a device up there that's much like the fish tube that went viral i bet you there's like you just put your dick it's like a blowjob machine you just go into this room you put your dick in the wall and it sucks you off and just blast it off into space i bet you there's come all over the moon

all over orbit just come or just circulating the planet with the satellites come everywhere i guess that makes sense because nas NASA is probably like, we can't make the same mistake Yahoo made. We can't just ignore, can't go against it. And imagine like as a guy, if it was like, all right,

we need, you need to send you up to the space station. You're going to be up there for like nine months by yourself or something like that. I'm, I legit think that the scientists were like, well, this guy's going to have to come.

We can't send them up there with no cup. If not, they're bad scientists. Yeah. Right. There's not, they're like, it's like Shaughnessy.

You're not doing your job. Well, if you haven't, if you haven't thought about where the guy's gonna need to come and yeah i said that's just like the first thing it's like all right we're gonna make sure that they can like uh breathe there's no oxygen in space and also how they're gonna come i'm gonna i'm gonna google it right now sex has definitely happened right we're all on board with that that male and i mean if you put two a male and female together at work on earth they get attracted to each other and they fuck if you go to summer camp they get attracted and they fuck you meet someone on the internet if you go to space together and you are literally the only people up there you are absolutely having zero gravity sex if you ejaculate in space it would be instantly drawn back to you wait wait not like into you but be instantly drawn back to you.

Wait, wait, not like into you, but just like coming back to you, you mean? I don't understand what this says. Imagine if you tried to come and it like backfired and went back in your dick and it was like, ah. We need a clip of just that. The first problem with that, it is really, really, really difficult to ejaculate in space. The penis gets erect by filling up with the blood vessels in your penis. But gravity on Earth plays a huge part. See, I'm so fucking smart, man. What I was thinking is everything feels slow in space, right?

So I don't know if you'd be able to like pow, pow, pow, pow. I feel like you'd be like slow jerking off. Oh, yeah, and you'd be there forever. It's like jerking off drunk. Yeah, it's just like a wet noodle. But this is saying you're not going to even get hard because of no gravity? Yeah, the penis gets erect by filling up with the blood vessels in your penis. By filling up the blood vessels in your penis.

But gravity on Earth plays a huge part in that because gravity allows our blood to flow into the lower parts of our bodies. When people are in space, you have far higher blood flow to the more outstretched areas like your head and chest. This makes it really difficult to get enough blood flow to get erect. Well, can't you just flip upside down no there's no gravity anywhere um this is a quick no you can't do that uh then there's your libido and testosterone nasa has tested astronauts testosterone levels and they generally drop when they're in space and then

return to normal back once on earth so you really have to be working it. And then that comes to the next problem, sweat. Sweat doesn't drip down your body when you're in space, but it more attaches to you. So you've got any kind of sweat. So any kind of sweat you have for doing this act is going to flow around your body and make pools. It's like getting into your belly button filled with gross, smelly water. Yeah, I've been there.

Also, I mean, how many times have you sweat jerking off? But if you could somehow do all that, then sure. As long as it's not in a closed system, that tiny bit of force. Oh, when you came, it would push you back. It would be kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, like blast it off. You know how they do the spacewalk? Literally blast off in space.

Like Wally with a fire extinguisher. Pushing himself around. When they go into space and they have those like, and they have like the little, that would be your dick that'll be your dick exactly by the way this is all everything you're saying is building up to exactly what i said they have devices for this yeah of all this where did you find all this information uh quora it was honest to god it was can you ejaculate autocorrect fill in zero gravity people want to know

actually it was the second one there was something else but it was a noticeable auto fill right away I guarantee there's a dick in a box sort of thing you just clasp it around your dick and you cum yeah it's probably where the flashlight came from NASA probably developed it and then just took it private

let me get my hands on your cum device, NASA. Let's go to the private citizens and let them have that thing. Fuck. KFC fights super duper pooper scooper, B.C. So you have your four major internet platforms, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. You go back to the

uh Hellenistic period 800 BC Ancient Greece which platform is gonna be used the most and which one

is gonna have the most influence on society Ancient Greece is gonna be Snapchat cause everybody's fucking gay and they wanna keep it

on the low right all the Greeks are fucking all like the boys. That guy was all, that wasn't like, was that out? Were they out and having like gay orgies or was it just kind of shamed? Actually, no, I think it was out. I think you were gay if you fucked chicks. Oh, much like it is today.

That's why I've always made the argument that. Come back around. It's not gay if you fuck guys. Yeah, gay was the hotness. Yeah, and it is now. I mean, gay is that shit. If you were like, if you weren't gay, you fuck guys yeah gay was the hot yeah it was gay and it's it is now yeah gay is that shit if you were like if you weren't gay you were pussy so i still but i still think it was snapchat because whether gay or straight they were fucking in greece they were doing orgies and

like the what's his name uh i guess that was more the roman empire was near nero right who was just like oh fuck anything and everybody like humans, like humans. I think that was literally everybody. Yeah. So, I mean, not Twitter. I mean, you have, like, Plato and Socrates and Aristotle, like, sitting on the Parthenon tweeting out thoughts, and no one would care about that. Yeah, no one would give a shit. Instagram, people might be putting up those columns. Do you remember the columns?

Corinthian and the other one? What was the other one? There was two types of those columns. You're talking about, like, architecture columns? Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't remember that. Corinthian was one, and the other one started with was the other one? There was two types of those columns. Are you talking about like architecture columns? Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't remember that. Corinthian was one. The other one started with an I, I think.

Maybe you put up some pictures of that. Facebook, nobody likes then or now. Facebook, I mean, I feel like they were pretty big on propaganda then. Facebook's a pretty useful tool there. True. Anybody from the Emperor times would have been using Facebook. Yeah. Fake Facebook accounts. But the common folk are have been using Facebook. Yeah. Fake Facebook accounts.

But the common folk are looking to drink wine and fuck. I think that was high class. I think common folk were just disgusting people in the streets. No, I think throughout all of history, people fucked. Well, they were having sex, sure. But I think the orgies and the gay stuff, I think that was all the upper class banging little boys, which is kind of how it goes still to this day.

It's, it's been pretty, what we learned right here is that being gay and being like a pedophile has come full circle, reaching Greece to modern times. I don't think it ever changed. I think always the upper class was just like, I want to just bang little kids. So,

but either way, don't you think that's, you know, people are doing their dirt. It's going to be Snapchat. Yeah, I guess Snapchat, Snapchat is probably the biggest's, you know, people are doing their dirt. It's going to be Snapchat. Yeah, I guess Snapchat. Snapchat's probably the biggest one. If I, if I had to guess, maybe, Hmm.

I don't know. Facebook would be big just for convincing the masses that this is the way you want things to go. Like it's only, we're only doing this in ancient Greece, right? Yeah. By the way, shout out to this guy. Let's go back to the Hellenistic period. Yeah.

Okay, dude. Yeah. Pass. Yeah. I'm going back and forth on this. Because if you could just lie all the time about how great you're doing for everybody. Yeah. And that's how you dominate the world, right?

Convince them to believe it. That's what Facebook's doing now that's what i'm saying yeah that's it's it's so that was very useful tool for that like it when i don't think they were being secretive about the snapchat stuff i think it was more they just wanted to fuck what about like the war element i guess facebook would be good for that right the greeks and the fucking like persians and uh and uh like uh what was the other guy? That was like Achilles and all that shit, right? Troy versus Sparta and all that shit. Yeah.

I feel like that is where Facebook will come in. I feel like very political, very important. I think Facebook's always going to be the one. Fuck Facebook. I agree. I actually looked at Facebook the other night for the first time ever. What a disaster. It's not stupid as that.

It's just a bunch of people you don't know. I feel like a dictator could get his message out via Twitter just from recent experience. From what's happening. Yeah.

It'd all be very useful, but if you're looking for the most useful one, I think Facebook. Facebook got it. It's still king. You know? Emperor. useful but if you're looking for the most useful one i think facebook facebook got it it's it's still king you know emperor hey guys long time miss you um i had a quick question um about neighbors being loud so basically my friends just bought a condo together

and um these new people moved upstairs. And I feel like this girl, they either have to be like 19 years old, which I don't know how they bought a condo, but they have sex. Like, she's getting attacked, murdered, giving birth. Like, she straight up screams, like, out of her mind. So it's been three months. was like they moved in together it's gonna slow down like no way they're gonna keep having sex every night no no every night till 2 a.m screaming her fucking head off um so basically my friend finally left a note

and was like hey like this is awkward but like you gotta cut your nighttime routines like you gotta either do them earlier or you got to quiet down. So, first, my question is, did this girl just never learn how to fake an orgasm and she just thinks that you need to scream? Are they doing BDSM? I don't know. Do they have, like, a rape fantasy? Sorry, R-word fantasy or, like, something like that? And then second question, if you're the couple that gets the note, do you go full heel and be louder?

Do you switch it to go from, go from 6 to 9 p.m.? I don't think you can write a note on this. No. You call the cops every time. Call the cops? Yeah, someone's getting murdered. I would call the cops every single time and say someone's getting murdered upstairs. Because you're so inconvenienced by this?

And eventually, I'm so annoyed by it. I think it's just rude. I mean, a party's one thing i mean you know technically i i think you're allowed to to to fuck you're not i don't think you're going like that above and beyond if you happen to have some loud sex they're not having some loud sex they're having loud sex every single night and they have a good that was the first time when I knew I was old. My neighbors, who recently moved out, they partied every single day. And I wrote a note. You did?

That was just... What a pussy. You fucking scumbags. Why don't you take some fucking molly and go to a fucking club if you want to listen to fucking music all this time? You did? It was a note. It was a fucking club if you want to listen to fucking music all this time? It was. You did. It was a no. It was a no.

Did you see it? Anonymous? Anonymous, but I'm sure they knew who it was. Never stopped. I wrote the one note. See, I mean. From there. Because I do think you run the risk of them being like, oh, yeah?

Crank it up a notch. They didn't crank it up. They kept it the same, but it just never changed. You're in fucking New York City, and you fucking losers just party in your apartment all the time. I feel like a party, it goes on for hours, all nights. To me, even if you have a long session, it's going to end soon. Don't worry. Who doesn't like listening to their neighbor's fuck?

It's not for me. Why not? I don't know. I don't want to listen to it. I think of the worst in people. So when I hear people fucking, I don't know what my neighbors look like. It's New York City.

That's the best part is you fucking pretend they're hot. That's what I mean. I don't. In my head, I immediately go to two wealthy people. I don't picture a hot people having sex. I think the worst in people. I think everyone's disgusting and gross and awful. I don't have faith in humanity.

I got the glass up to the ear. I know math. I know statistics. They say you're probably two ugly people having sex. It's a numbers game. Yeah. If we're just basing this on strict probability. But that's the beauty of only hearing is that you don't know.

And you just don't have an imagination, John. I have an imagination. It's just imagining very ugly people having sex. You've got to have a better imagination, a more creative one, where one can come up with the idea that these people having sex, they're actually pretty. No, if they were pretty, they wouldn't be my neighbors. Plus, I think of that as a little motivation.

You know what you should do rather than complaining? Start having some loud sex of your own. Counteract their loud sex. It's like forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know what you should do rather than complaining? Start having some loud sex to your own. Counteract their loud sex. It's like something, forget about, forgetting Summer Marshall. Just smash each other's through the wall. And I also, I think, like, this isn't real. No one actually, like, fucking screams after having sex.

Maybe she's getting burnt. Maybe they're, like, I'm just picturing, like, boy, these guys are, like, they're really fucking. And I just and i just this girl's like tied up and he's just burning the bottom of her feet with a lighter yeah that's probably what's happening call the police what i said but maybe they're into it it doesn't matter if you're into i'm calling the police if you're lighting people on fire no i don't care if both parties bro when since when did you come and turn into a uh i'll call can i speak to the manager lady who cares if people are burning each other? If it's all consensual and that chick wants to get her toes burnt, let them live. No, if I see a Tibetan monk lighting himself on fire, I'm calling the police.

Since when? Since any time I've ever seen a Tibetan. Our motto has forever been. I am batting a thousand on seeing Tibetan monks get lit on fire. If that guy wants to light himself on fire, you're going to stop him? Yes. Why? Well, if I'm going to stop him, I'm just going to call the police once it happens.

Why? I don't know. I don't want to hear the screams. Actually, yeah. The exact same reason I called the police on them. I'm staying out of everybody's business. I don't want to hear the screams. I stay out of everybody's business. I want them to stay out of mine. I don't care if you're a Tibetan monk burning yourself. I don't care if you're burning your girl's toes. I don't care if you're just

blasting her and she's coming. I don't get involved in people's relationships. I don't get involved in their fights. i don't get involved in their fights i don't get involved in their fire play last voicemail of the day is brought to you by movement now we've been doing movement for a while we've been doing the watches and the sunglasses but now they've gotten into the eyeglass game here i think i'm gonna become an eyeglass guy you look you look you in them. I mean... I'll give you that. It's pretty fucking fire. Yeah.

Because, like, sunglasses obviously are, you know, functional, and you need them when you're outside. You can't... You can be an asshole and wear them inside, but... Sunglasses. The eyeglasses here. It's a whole other... It's a whole other vibe.

Somebody said that I look like Ernie from Billy Madison. Remember, like, the kid who pees his pants? I can see that. And I had a gray shirt on that he wears in the movie. I was like, yep, yep. That kid had a nice head of hair, and he was a cute kid, though. I'm okay with that. But, you know, you instantly become three points smarter.

On a scale of one to ten, you say I'm a four with smartness, I look like a seven. Yeah. Automatically, you're sexy, you're smart, and it's just different. It's like, whoa, automatically you're sexy you're uh smart and it's just different it's like whoa i've never seen you in glasses before so i i do think uh there was a time where like i probably definitely i know that i made fun of people for this uh like russell westbrook's done it and like the nba guys and i'm sure i made fun of you for doing it at one point but you can't deny it something looks good and you get compliments

you know that's what it's about i'm just so insecure i just want compliments from people so i'm gonna get myself a nice watch i'm gonna rock some of these uh eyeglasses some sunglasses when you're outside and right now you can get uh 26 off because we're celebrating movement watches six year anniversary which i think means they've been advertising with us for like six years right they were day one. So they are a Barstool company through and through. And 2019, they're calling the year of big tick energy. So get some big tick energy with a new watch.

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promo code MVMT26. What's up, boys? I got a question for you. If you were stuck in prison for one year who would you have as your cellmate i was thinking joe rogan but then he'd probably get really fucking annoying uh let me know what you guys think oh jeffrey epstein fucking kill himself in like a day now i i got a double now i got a single that's easy it's like that movie uh that man on campus trying to find a

roommate who kills himself i don't know i don't know i think if you're epstein's roommate the clintons have you whacked too because i don't think no they have you pulled out two days before is that what happened yeah he had a he had a cellmate that got removed yeah and what happened to that guy uh he probably went to another cell i see i would get worried that if it was actually it's like i was reading last night on everything that happened with him and how just everything was against protocol. It's amazing. It's amazing.

He went to – Well, the new report today was like that the guards were sleeping. The guards were asleep. I was watching him. I'm like, oh. Like that's the best we can do. I guess there really is no other excuse, but Jesus Christ, guys. It was – he went to suicide Watch, was removed in six days,

which is pretty fucking uncommon to be like six days later, yeah, he's no longer a threat to himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they always put guys who were just on Suicide Watch with a roommate because even if you just came out of Suicide Watch, still better to be with somebody. Within two days, removed that guy. And then a day later, he killed himself.

See, I mean, there's proof there, but I just feel like everybody is eventually going to get whacked in the Epstein. They just can't have any loose ends. And if that guy even just spoke up to you and was like, yo, Bill Clinton was doing this, that, and the other thing, I feel like they're going to be like, oh, that guy's got to go next, too. I don't want to be around any pedophiles or anybody involved in a conspiracy theory. I don't want to know the people from Mattress Firm. I don't want to know any of that shit

because then you're just putting yourself at risk. I do want to know who killed Kennedy. I'll risk that. Let me know that and I'll fight for my life. I think I would go Jonah Hill. Fat Jonah Hill okay as always like these buddy cop type things like these buddies uh questions i feel like we lean on channing tatum and jonah hill for a lot of these things i think he'd be uh a good funny guy and i don't think he would fuck me ryan reynolds he might fuck you and yeah thumbs up I think things are going great that's

the plan thanks thanks for the offer love to so you just want to fuck Ryan Reynolds I would I would fuck would you shave your teeth for Ryan Reynolds that would be disgusting don't cross the line okay dude on Kevin I'd pick a fat funny guy

who I don't think is a threat to fuck me and I think that's Jonah Hill I still like my Epstein thing. Cause I'll tell you what, I, I, I didn't sure everyone, look,

I can keep a secret. I, I, you, we don't have to do it. He'll kill him. I'll kill him. But then you guarantee me solo room from here on out.

You'd rather be alone in prison than have a, a fun roommate for the rest of your life. Yeah. You'd rather. So you go to jail. You want to do solitary of your life. Yeah. Everybody eventually sucks.

Everyone's ever eventually like, all right, dude. I get the bit, Jonah. You're telling me you'd rather be alone forever than be prison mates with Rob McElhinney? Now I forgot about the Sonny Gang. Yeah, like any of those guys. Any of those. Danny, Caitlin, Charlie, Rob, Glenn. I just feel like funny people like that I think sometimes just have this need to be loved.

They might bring a lot to the table, but they'd also be just kind of like, you're getting annoying. Yeah, man, I get it. This is a good bit. We're never going to have a chance to perform it for anybody else. I like it. It's good. Move on to the next. I feel like Rob is the only one who's not, though. He's not...

Glenn's not. But even the way Rob, we're always saying Rob is kind of behind the scenes more than anybody else in the gang and he's not as out there and I feel like he doesn't have that insatiable need. He might just be a cool-ass dude. Let's find out. Rob McElhaney, come on the fucking

show, man. Come on. Come on. Come on. All your buddies are doing it. You're next. Speaking of people on the show, Brian Austin Green, one of our best, most pleasant surprise guests ever. He's from 90210.

If you're from my era, there's a reboot of it going on now. He is maybe the most normal celebrity I've ever met and i know you know he's you know uh no shades in but he's not on like the you know top top tippy top of hollywood but he's still a big deal and he was like the most normal guy ever i could be lost about the bling ring the bling ring was so fun yeah his house was robbed in the bling ring he tried to be a rapper he grew up kind of nerdy he landed uh the most desirable woman in the world, Megan Fox. Great story about how he landed her. That right there will give, I don't know whether it will make you hopeful or depressed,

but the story of Brian Austin Green landing Megan Fox is one for the ages. Really interesting dude, really down to earth. Honestly, would have fit in as like a third co-host of the show. He does his own podcast. I was like, you want to just like come work here man i don't know so brian austin green brought to you by let go let's say uh to to give you a little uh a little insight in the interview his his house uh got robbed by the bling ring and he had so much stuff and so many valuables he didn't even know some of it had been stolen you And so when you get to that point, when you have belongings and property and all these things that you don't

even use, you don't even know that you don't even wear, uh, maybe it's time to go to let go the online mobile marketplace where you can buy and sell things locally, move some of that stuff, get some extra cash for it, clear up some space,

put some money in the bank account and let go. It'll keep your wife happy because she undoubtedly hates your collection of sneakers or toys or whatever you may have. It'll keep her happy. It'll keep you happy. It'll give you more space. So go download LetGo now, and you can start buying and selling. So whether you got stuff to move or you're looking for maybe some cheap furniture locally or you're looking to collect your own collection, LetGo, the best way to do it.

Download the LetGo app now and start moving that product. Brian Austin Green, what do you got? Alright, let's get right into it. We got Brian Austin Green here on KFC Radio. So, KFC, by the way, when I saw it the first time, I was like, is this about

chicken? Yeah, it happens a lot. It's my initials. And then I saw in the other room, the for sure not chicken. So it's for sure not chicken. Good to know. Yeah, I've been getting that for a while now. It's funny when

I'd say maybe once a month, I get someone from india yeah going on a like crazy twitter rant complaining about like cleanliness at a kfc restaurant and i just play along with it and they yeah they love it they see the people go wild damn hashtags let's get lumped in with like kfc india it's wild um so I'm trying to figure out this revival reboot you got going. I think it's brilliant, but it's like putting my mind in a pretzel. It's like it's 90210, but it's not, and it's you guys, but you're playing your real selves.

But are you even playing anybody then? Yeah. Well, yeah. No, I know. It's a bit like conception. It's a good idea, though. It is. Yeah.

It goes pretty good idea though. Yeah. It is. Yeah. It goes pretty deep though. We had one scene we were doing where it was David and Donna. It was supposed to be like a romantic scene in bed. So the character of Brian has a cell phone. So in the scene, I hid that. And then before we started shooting, I hid my own cell phone. I was like, how deep is this rabbit and then we were waiting for um for the slate and everything they called action and then

jason's directing the episode in the show that we're doing so then they they had a fake slate and he called action i was like yeah this is getting weird this is getting deep this is i almost want to take a nap right now way too much for my brain it's kind of smart though i mean everybody's doing some sort of sequel revival reboot remake whatever you want to call it and uh the only ones that i think are succeeding are the ones that kind of do a little you know like cobra kai on on youtube doing the karate kid but just like a little different i think it's very smart because trying to just recapture the same vibe it doesn't work you know it was uh we sat down with um tory and jenny first they had the idea for this is this is a good sort of shuttle to get everybody together which made a lot of sense i i after

10 years of playing david silver i was like i'm i'm cool you're out i don't want to do i don't want to do david silver't want to do David Silver. Did you get like resentful of it or were you just like resentful? But it's kind of like if you're like for the show you're doing now for someone to say, okay, Hey, you know, we want to do a remake of like the college radio show you did, but literally it's the college radio show. And you're like, yeah, I'm, I'm sort of, yeah, I'm not, not that I'm resentful of that. Cause that was a great stepping stone for me, but now I'm doing this. So I don't really want to step back

into that. That's, that's a weird sort of, you know, time thing. So, uh, so I liked the idea. I was like, okay, well as an actor, don't mind playing david silver so much if i get to do something else and and so then we we all as actors sat down with the writers and we we figured out like what you know what the characters would be and what we'd be doing and it was so but your your name is so my name my name on the show is Brian Austin Green. But you're playing the kind of – Yeah, the idea of the show is that we get together. We're – ourselves, we're the actors from 90210, and we meet up at this 30-year fan convention, like reunion thing,

and we decide – Tori's character decides like, hey, let's all get together and do a reboot. Got it. And so we all decide like, yeah, now's a good time to do that because everybody else is doing reboots. Yeah. And so it's all of us getting together and making a reboot. So it's the making of a reboot. I like that. I think that's really smart because I never saw the original 90210.

So like if there was – How dare you? He's like a little too young but not enough right and that's why it's weird to say that because like it's like i'm not like 12 right but i was like just a little too young at that age and so like i wouldn't have in like a desire to watch a normal reboot because i'd be like i missed so much i'm not going to get in on this but like this i'm very interested in this is like i haven't missed the boat it's a new twist it's very well that was yeah that was the conversation we had was like, okay, how are we going to do something that the old school fans of the show will enjoy?

Like we have the Easter eggs in it, but also for new fans of this new show, like how do we make something for them also? Cool. So it was hard to figure out how to relate to both, but I think – I think you nailed it. I think before this, I was like, eh, I don't know if i want to see that now i'm gonna watch this fucking tonight yeah it makes sense and so you guys are all so apparently i can curse on this oh yeah yeah yeah yeah literally i mean awesome when i say you can say whatever you want like we don't even have to talk about 90210 you can say whatever the fuck you want right now i do a podcast also

not as nice as this like i i we do it we just moved here it's been pretty shitty for about seven years yeah but you guys have like real mics and i mean you and you have headphones and you have screens and a logo and the whole thing you know you take it seriously i've been doing a podcast for like two years and i uh i i skype with the guy that yeah we used to do that for years, man. Because we hadn't met for like a year or something. And so I still at this point like Skype him and every once in a while we'll do – last year we did a live podcast, which is fun. We're doing one tomorrow night.

Are you really? We're doing Caroline's over in New York. We're trying to do like once a month and this is our second one, so we're kind of like getting back into it. So we did a live one last year in atlanta because um we tried getting into what was it dragon con in atlanta and they were like nah and we're like oh fuck you guys and so i was like let's go out there anyway you know thinking oh it'll be awesome i'll take away you know some of their their the people that show up didn't work they went to that and then they they came to our

our podcast you went against the machine that is DragonCon. Sometimes you just can't beat them. You can't beat that. What's the podcast about? The podcast is literally us just shooting the shit for an hour. It's called With Brian Austin Green. The guy that I do the podcast with, Derek, originally did the podcast for the Sarah Connor connor chronicles a show that i did and then he did a podcast for uh smallville

which i did a couple of a couple episodes for him and um so he sent me an email and he was like hey you know do you want to do a podcast and i was like sure wow yeah i was like i'm not doing anything else like you might be a fucking like lunatic worry totally yeah of course of course it's fucking strange it's strange but but i like the idea he was like you know i'll just call you on skype and we'll just there'll be no format we won't talk ahead of time we won't plan anything and i'm one of those people i have i have a bunch of like stupid stories like you know i've been in the business for a long time so it's he just kind of asked me about stuff and we start talking about stuff and all of a sudden i go oh hey i remember

that like i you know i smoked a lot of weed when i was younger so i don't remember a lot of stuff but then when you start talking about you go i totally remember that yeah he always gets to remember stories that i was like, oh, yeah. Oh, this guy. He'll forget stories that are like, for anyone else, it would be like the wildest story in their life. And he's like, oh, yeah, that's the time I kidnapped my housekeeper. Yeah, Derek has talked to me about like, because I've been in the business again for a long time. And he'll be like, oh, yeah, you know, so how was it doing this Nintendo commercial?

I was like, I never did a Nintendo commercial. He's like, no, you totally did a Nintendo commercial. I'm like, that's bullshit. I never did it. And then he'll send it to me, and it's like, fuck, that's me in the Nintendo commercial. I'm getting the vibe Derek knows more about you than you, man. So it turns out he's an investigative reporter, which I didn't know ahead of time. So he finds out all sorts of shit.

You are an idiot. Yeah, yeah. We all agree. You're dumb. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid, and now I'm so old. So yeah, I'm fucked. Was there concern, like, go doing a podcast where you're like, I'm bigger than that?

I feel like doing a podcast, it's people who are already famous don't realize how big they can be. And how valuable. Where it's almost like someone who did movies is like, I'm not going to do TV. I don't do that. And someone who was in TV is like, well, I don't do podcasts. But they're such a hugely famous – not famous, but hugely popular. Yeah, I didn't think about it at that point.

I feel like you are right now. I knew – Yeah, I wish somebody would have guided me before. Here I am. I didn't really know enough about it naively, which I think looking at it now is a positive because I didn't – I had no preconceived notion about doing it. It was like I knew people were doing them. I didn't know where you listen to podcasts or how you listen to them. And I ended up listening to Derek and his partner Steve at the time.

They were doing a podcast about Sarah Connor, which I was a big fan of that show because I was a big fan of the Terminator franchise. And so when I went in to audition for it and they were like, oh, you're playing the older brother of Kyle Reese. And I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome. I didn't know he had an older brother. That's amazing. And I went in. I was, I was a huge fan of the, of the, the franchise, like I said. And so I started listening to their podcast just because they did these really cool sort of, this is the episode we just saw. And, you know, and, and we did, they did a review of it and sort of a, if you didn't catch it, here's what you missed. And, and i liked it a lot

and so when he reached out to me you know asking me to do a podcast i was like why the fuck would i not do a podcast i like that man i feel like some you know people you know i gotta run up by this person talk to my agents i blah you just let it fly yeah i like your style it's uh thanks you'd fit in well here yeah It's – you know what? The plans that I've made like for my life haven't worked out very well, thank God, because I think I'd be dead by now if they did. Why is that? In what regard? What were you planning?

You plan all sorts of stupid shit like, oh, I'm going to make a million bucks doing this. And it's like, yeah, if I had made a million bucks back then or 10 million, I would have. Yeah. Face down. Who knows? I would have. I would have a drank way too much, smoked way too much weed. I'm sure at the point because, you know, I could afford it then.

And we were watching some some YouTube videos earlier of your rap career. I feel like I feel like had, you know, you taken off in the rap world. Who knows, man? Who knows? Yeah. Yeah. videos earlier of your rap career i feel like i feel like had you know you taken off in the rap world who knows man who knows yeah yeah lucky for me in the world i made no money doing that so well it was shortly you say that like things haven't worked out i think you're doing pretty good man i think i think things have worked out the way they're supposed to though uh you know i i i've just sort of gone along for the ride. I mean you know doing this now. I'm sure you never imagined in a million years that a podcast you were doing, you'd all of a sudden be sitting here.

You'd have a room and like have guests coming by and cameras and all this stuff you're doing. But it's just at some point you have to just sort of go along for the ride. And it's like, hey, this is what it is. And it'll become what it becomes. And I'm sure you had a million plans. And it's like now here you are. No, I had none. You had none. I had none.

Right, good on you. This is a bust, bro. I used to – I worked like a shitty normal desk job before this. And I was like I got to get out. I don't know what, how, or where. But I cannot live that life. So the only plan was not that. We were doing the reboot of the show and my oldest son, who's 17 where, but I cannot live that life. The only plan was not that. We were doing the reboot of the show, and my

oldest son, who's 17 now, which is so crazy that I have a 17-year-old son, but he wants to be an actor. And Ian, one of the guys on the show, was like, tell him you'll totally support him as long as he has a plan B. And I was

like, fuck, I don't have a plan B like i've been doing this since i was nine like i don't i have no other skills to fall back on i'm fucked and i'm getting i'm getting progressively stupider yeah like uh i like all the skills i maybe once had all the knowledge dude welcome to it it only gets worse i have my 46th birthday and it's like i don't I do all these like I'll do shit, and they'll go, okay, we're going to have a quiz of what you remember. And it's like I don't fucking remember anything. No way. You have to cancel that. Yeah.

That's going to be embarrassing. Did you do it? No. I tell them every time. I'm like, listen, I don't remember anything. So like as far as trivia, you win. Let's just start with that. When we do our show

here we finish and these guys go all right what clips do you want from the show to like promote i'm like i right i don't remember what we literally just talked about i don't even know how we started this conversation we always do stuff here we're like we do stupid things for content shit like that and one i never graduated college and one that they throw out okay i never even went to college. Actually, I'll one up you. They're like, go back and finish college. It would be funny if we did a video series of you finishing college.

And I say no, and it's because I hated college, and I did. But really, I'm just scared of, like, I wouldn't finish. I'd get back there, and they'd be like, I'd keep failing classes, and it would just go on forever. See, that would be a brilliant show, though. I would want to watch you fail in college over and over and over again. Just call it failure?

I wouldn't finish a class. I wouldn't go to class. There's no shot I would do well. Then it's fine. The pressure's off. You don't have to be smart because the funny part's being dumb. You really gained the system there. The show's not at least stupid. Everybody wins. We. Yeah, the funny. Yeah, totally. You really came to the system there. Yeah. Yeah, the show's not at least stupid. Perfect.

It says everybody wins. They get their tuition. We're winning, sort of. Yeah. Exactly. I'm doing really well by not doing well. It's sort of, yeah. That's really what the life has been thus far.

So why not go all in? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Totally. I got a question for you. Why are you cool? Honestly, like I said, I never watched the show because I was way too young. It was a big fucking deal, man.

I was learning about Brian Austin Green to interview you because I was like, he's going to be a dick, I think. He was hot. Yeah, you're usually good-looking guys are dicks. He's going to be an asshole. I am an asshole. Let's just start now. I'm a dick. And I was like, Kevin, he's gonna be an asshole and then i saw i am an asshole let's just start now i'm a guy and i was like kevin he's gonna be cool i think i yelled him out yeah i'm that guy is self-awareness in my mind is the number one most important thing in the world and like you got it in spades everyone was like would stop me and they go wait aren't you that guy if it was like yeah

instagram done i had i had people chase me like through hotels in vegas thinking i was justin timberlake i was like oh this is fucking awesome yeah not bad man things could be worse yeah no i'm doing all right um i think there's two ways to go if you're if you are one of those actors or entertainers you can kind of be a dick about it and maybe be like i said a little resentful or like mad about that or you can just be like well it's better to be that guy than no guy you know you know it's giving you a pretty good life in my book in school i was like i was in the marching band i was like i was the guy that you wouldn't normally think like i wasn't the head of the yeah i was that guy yeah the guy you beat up apparently no no no no but i mean i guess it makes sense like you're you're into the arts

a few asses of guys that were in band i understand right i wouldn't do it now i was not kidding anybody's ass i promise you that um so like i never had i never hung out with a popular clique in high school like i didn't i was sort of friends with everyone um you know i carried a big heavy drum i was like five four and i played the chords so i wasn't wait wait wait wait you're not did you have a big time like rosebird like late in life i did yeah what age are we talking i was when i first started doing the show i was like five foot six and then we went on uh on summer bra i was 17 wow and then we went on summer break and i came back and i was like five what's up motherfuckers i'm 5'10 now yeah i was like 5'10 and i had like no muscle i was like stringy i was like so skinny i see pictures now and i giggled

about it because i was so small and uh everyone was like holy shit like you grew so yeah i was i was that guy that literally grew up on camera so i don't how cool can you be when you grow up well you know it's funny like we we talked to mark paul gosselaar about saved by the bell and super nice yeah really cool dude and and i don't know if this is the same for you but like saved by the bell wasn't really a hit when it was on it was a little more like retroactive like kind of cult classic after the fact so he was like you know i got like bullied in school because i was like the weirdo artsy kid on a show that nobody knew that's bullshit okay i want to call bullshit because saved by the bell was big when it was fucking on he made it sound more like it was after the fact and like he all paul i love you you fucking lying. He said he was so not cool that he was playing the cool kids.

Yes, like his whole time. I didn't know how to be that. I just saw those kids in school, and I would act like them. Right. I was like, come on. You're a cool guy. I don't know. Although at the end, he did say he's a cyclist.

Yeah, I don't know the inside story because I wasn't in it. You know, I didn't. I mean, you know. Everybody's there. Yeah. You guys think oh brian's cool and it's like oh no i played the quads and in high school marching band and you go okay maybe not so much yeah um yeah they're not very cool the quads um but what i mean 90210 was

like a phenomenon and so you were you know you were famous at the age of what 17 18 19 like your early 20s that was fucking cool for me though because it was like i fucking bet it was brian well that was the first time where like i you know i had some sort of fucking poland when i said things they people listened to him i was like man i you know that's why you thought you could come and become a rapper yeah i came i came from uh from going to school and you and playing in marching band to like, oh, man, people actually care what I have to say. Like this is fucking awesome. This is – who knew? Like this is – I've been doing this forever and people used to like beat me up in the hallway for – I did like – I did corn pops commercials and all sorts of shit.

And people go, I saw you on the – give me a hard time. And it was like I was that kid. Did you ever have like – I'm sure you liked your reunions. Did you ever go back to any of those and be like – I didn't going to give me a hard time. And I was like, I was that kid. Did you ever have like a, I'm sure you liked your reunions. Did you ever go back to any of those and be like, I didn't go to any. No, fuck them. Well, cause I never, I never, I never went to prom or any of that shit. Cause I was working. So I didn't, I, I didn't have a super like connection with,

did you ever have a desire to kind of maybe throw it back in people's faces or were you just like, fuck you guys? Nah, nah, it's not. That's in people's faces or were you just like, fuck you guys? No. No, it's not. That's not really my style. I think it's almost – like I can understand maybe the satisfaction of doing it, but I think it's almost like you're still living in the past if you want to go back and prove them anything. Yeah, it's just kind of a dick move to me. It's like you – I'm 46 now. I have kids.

It's like I don't want my kids going, oh, yeah, that's the way you act. You go back and like rub it in people's faces, you know, who they are and what they've become compared to what you've become. It doesn't – When you guys were like at your peak, were you guys like – were you cool off camera? Were you guys like running around town together or was it more like work thing? Yeah. I can't imagine 90210 at its peak and it's like you, Jason, Luke, and I. I mean, that was a wrecking crew right there.

We were really fortunate, though. There was no internet. There was no social media. There was no paparazzi. So you're saying you were in some trouble? There were like three photographers, yes. We avoided a lot of trouble, though, because we could do a lot of shit and get away with it.

There were some pictures, like there's at like the Roxbury and shit. But there was literally – there were three photographers and we knew their names. I read an article recently about how like social media ruined Hollywood and like just like the idea of Hollywood and like celebrities going out and partying. Yeah. Because no one goes out anymore because TMZ is there. Well, yeah. It changed that time in Hollywood. out and party yeah because no one goes out anymore because tfz's there well yeah it changed it changed that time in hollywood i mean there was there was the time well before our show where

hollywood was like when when marilyn monroe was a star you know that was the the the paparazzi if you even want to call them that pictures like press pictures they were all approved by the studio and by her estate and so the only ones that were ever seen were the ones that she okayed and that the studio okayed. And now it's like paparazzi are taking pictures of me coming in and out of CVS with diapers and shit like that. And so it's changed. So that's got to be like a big, you'd think that anyone who grew up famous from 17 knows

how to handle it. You do because you've not been in trouble. But it's still a significant change, I imagine, where knows how to handle it. Right. And you do, cause you know, you've, you've not been in trouble, but like, it's still a significant change. I imagine we have to like almost work on it, like learn the ropes, where we're going to be and stuff like that.

Well, yeah. And I had, I had the crash course of, uh, being married to Megan and her going through when transformers hit, it was like when paparazzi were really becoming something. And it was,

I felt like I'm like i've done all this shit like this is i don't even understand this fucking world like you open your front door your gate and there's like 50 guys with cameras i'm just not used to this this is not easy this didn't exist i kind of always compare that to like johnny manziel where it's like quarterbacks were always famous quarterbacks always popular but then johnny manziel was like the first college one where to be like, what the fuck is going on? And then after him, everyone kind of changed. And I almost feel like that era of celebrity was like people really learned

what was happening. You were essentially getting stalked. Not essentially, really getting stalked all the time. Yeah, totally. And I felt that way. Like there's that – it's hard, man, because there were guys that had cameras and I didn't keep my cool really with a lot of guys at first because it was like, well, as a normal human being, don't you want to fight for your space and your anonymity? And when people are following you, don't you want to get out of your car and hit their fucking windshield and go, why the fuck are you following me?

But they have a camera, so it's like they have an excuse-ish to follow you. It's weird. It's a weird thing. That's what they want. They want you. Every time you've ever seen a video of that. And then you realize, oh, yeah, if I tackle these guys or fucking hold their cameras, that's something for them to do.

So then you have to do the opposite of what your instinct is as a guy. You want to stick up for yourself and your, your girlfriend and have your privacy and all that shit. And then you realize like, oh, well fighting that is what creates more of a rush for that. So it's, it's a bit counterintuitive.

Yeah. It's a weird, it was a weird learning curve. You're like Kanye. Well, it's yeah, sort of. Yeah,

not really. I'll give you that sure um we read that your and megan's house was um part of like the bling ring like oh yeah yeah it was in the bling ring it was in the movie that's oh was it really yeah they had actors playing us and there was a whole – but yeah, we were – our house was – I remember getting home. Scary shit too, man. Well, not so much at the time. Like I remember getting home. We were out of town and we got home and we opened our front gate and I remember seeing – that was before iPads. That was when the e-readers were out, the Amazon, the –

Kindle or whatever. Yeah, the Kindle, right. And I saw my Kindle in the driveway and I thought, that's fucking strange. Not where I put the Kindle. Yeah. Who dropped my Kindle? You know, whatever. And you go inside and everything was, everything looked untouched. It wasn't like they ransacked the house. And so it's not like you walk in the house and you go, wait, I was robbed. I had never been robbed before. I had no, I had no idea what it was. And we were in the process of selling the house we were in. And I remember at one point I went to change, I have a collection of watches and I went to change my watch and I couldn't find my watches anywhere. And I called my mom

because my mom had been at the house and sort of helping with, you know, cleaning things up and getting them ready for photographs and all that stuff. And I said to her, I was like, did you put my watches somewhere? And she was like, no, I didn't touch any of that stuff. I can't find my fucking watches anywhere. That's weird. And so then I kept looking around. I was like, fuck, I think we were robbed at some point. And then I had a guy from the sheriff's office in Los Angeles call, and he called me on the landline, which nobody has anymore. But I remember we had one, and it rang, and I was like,

it was like the bat phone ringing. I was like, nobody even has my number here. Like, this is weird. So I answered the phone, which i don't normally do i was like hello the guy said yeah is this brian brian green i was like yeah it is and he was like yeah this is detective so-and-so from do you have a gun safe you know and a handgun i was like yeah but it's in a safe under my bed and he was like i don't think it is not and i went i looked under my bed and it was gone and And I came back on the phone.

I was like, yeah, you're fucking right. The gun is gone. And he was like, yeah, we have a bunch of stuff here I think that's yours. Wow. And I went down to the station and my gun was there. And then one of my duffel bags that I didn't even know was missing, a bunch of clothes that I didn't even know were missing, like crazy like socks and

underwear and jackets and all this shit in your underwear bro yeah people stealing they so they stole all sorts of stuff to for the purpose of selling it i which i don't know what they thought they would have gotten green underwear going for uh you know big bucks on the hot market yeah apparently not they just dropped that off they stole and. They stole it and they were like, oh, Jesus, we'll just take this. I didn't know. I guess we're busted. Yeah, they took stuff. Also, that's a small way to do it.

I thought it was just like they were going to get you. Yeah, I know. They got stuff. I didn't know they actually got in there. Holy shit. They took all of my watches. Megan, luckily, we had an apartment down at the beach, and so all of her stuff was moved, all of her jewelry.

But yeah, all my watches were gone, my cufflinks, like all this weird shit. It's a smart way to do it though. And it wasn't, well, I didn't even realize that I was robbed until I went down to the police station. I was like, holy shit, this is missing? Like my suit from my jacket, you know, all these fucking things.

You know you're rich when you can lose a bunch of cool shit and not even know. I love that you said that and threw your pan. Like, yo, guess what? If someone steals my suit, I know because I only got one, okay? I have like three, but I never – who the fuck wears suits? I don't do like a news show. I don't wear suits all the time.

So, yeah, I didn't even realize all the shit was gone. And then I remember I got one watch back. They busted one of the kids. And so he ratted out everybody. But one of the deals was they said to him, hey, where's all the stuff? And he was like, oh, we sold most of it. I still have this watch. And I had a Rolex that he kept.

I was like, that's fucking awesome. I got my one Rolex back of all these watches that were fucking gone. How many got taken? Like 15. You lost 15 watches and didn't notice Brian? I, because, because I wear the same watch. And so at the point when I went to wear a different watch, I was like, I mean, who wears different fucking watches every day of the week? I imagine someone with 15 watches. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You imagine wrong. Because, yeah, no, with 15 watches, they all sit in cases and they collect dust.

And then you decide, I'm going to switch it up. And then you go wind your new one and do all that shit. See, when I wear a watch, I don't even say it. It's a bracelet. I don't even know how to wear it. Of course, I have like a fucking, you know, Apple watch, I don't even say it. It's a bracelet. I don't even know how to wear it. Of course, I have like a fucking Apple watch now. It tells you the exact time. It tells me the time, connects to my phone. Yeah, it's easy.

You're a cool dude. I feel like this is going well. And so I think I'm just going to have to – I ordinarily wouldn't do it, but I just feel like I have to flat out say as a guy, you landed like the hottest chick of all time. So like fucking congrats on that one. Like, uh, I feel like that's, uh, you know, she's pretty up there. Yeah, no, I got, I got really lucky.

She's, uh, I didn't, and I'm not one of those like aggressive men that like goes after someone and does all that shit. Like I sort of wait for, I've always waited for girls to come to me. Like I'll be interested, but I don't, I don't put myself out there because I guess on some level I'm afraid to fail or get rejected. So I don't,

I'm the same way, but you're Brian. I was going to say, what are you afraid of? It's not about being afraid. It's just like people will come to you. No, that's true.

But it's like, you can play hard to get and there's no one's coming what's funny though is that they didn't you know back when i was in high school like i was the fucking geek of the school like i was in marching band i played the quads which we've gone over and you said you have no idea what i'm talking about quads right now go fuck yourself but i'd like to even say i was five four they were huge they were huge there's their four drums oh my god i got it yeah um so that was coming from that that's the same but i have the same mentality like you know you say my name and it's this whole like this persona that's built around but at the end of

the day like i'm still that kid like i'm still the high school kid that was in marching band and did. So I'm not, I, you know, I don't want to be rejected because I was rejected in school. There were girls that I liked that were like, Hey, I go fuck yourself. You're five, four. And there's, you know, you're not on the football team. Like you're not, there's no way. Now there's a fear of being rejected by also read Megan had to convince you. There's a fear of being rejected. There's also like how much convincing does megan need to do

you're sabotaging a good thing right right just shut up so uh so i was i had just gotten out of a relationship um my my first son was was born out of my 17 year old son which is fucking crazy to say i have a 17 year old son um and i it just i wasn't looking for a relationship at the time i was i'm you know i'd gotten out of that one i was like i'm fucking cool i'm gonna play the field for a little while and and i met megan um i was doing she was doing hope and faith at the time here in new york with kelly rippa and faith ford and um i came and did an episode of it. And I met Megan on that.

And she was really young. And I was like, this isn't, this can't fucking happen. This isn't going to happen. No way. And so I left. And she was just really persistent. And you are such a son of a bitch. Thank God.

You are a son of a bitch. Like, yeah, Megan Foxg what a pain in the ass persistent like jesus christ man you know i kept i kept pushing her away early on because i was like this isn't you know i don't i don't want a relationship and then she was like all right cool i'm gonna go date and i was like wait i didn't say go date, please. Um, so then, so then that's when I realized I was like, fuck, I'm less like this. I must be really into this situation. Cause I, I don't that the thought of that kills me.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's, we've been together for 15 years. I do get when you, you know, you have a moment where, you know, a lot of guys have it where there's like, Oh shit, I, I do really like that girl.

Like it's time, but it's usually not Megan Fox. So it's just crazy to hear from that point. But I guess it's all, you know, it's all relative. You talk about Megan now because you, you know,

we're after all of that, but you know, this was, I, when I met her was pre transformers. It was pretty all that. So it was, we, we had the hood of the car.

Yeah, we had so much more anonymity like going around and she lived here. And so I'd come here on weekends and we'd walk around and do – it was great. It was really easy and fun at that point. And she's – not she's in the show but Lala plays her in the show, right? Right. Lala plays – so one of the things that was hard with this show was like, okay, we're going to play versions of ourselves. But because everybody knows so much about me and Megan and all that through tabloid shit, it was like, okay, how am I going to come up with something that's sort's sort of you know people it it's people get it but at the same time it's far enough removed where we can still have fun and still do what it is we want to do and and

be able to have fun and play these scenes and play these storylines and not worry about like people watching and going wait is that something that's real with Brian and his wife? So it was like, you know, playing that fence and Lala, Lala has been great about it. And we, we, we had fun. I mean, she was anything they wrote, she was game for. And that's, that's why as, as a cast, we're all executive producers because we all, we were all a part of like building, you know, the writer sat with us and they were like, okay, you know, who do you want to play? What do you want to do? And, and it was all, it was all our input and our ideas for when we first sat down for the show, it was literally, they had the idea, Tori and Jenny of like, okay, well, this is, this is how the show happens. So we, we haven't written anything beyond that. There was, we went and when we pitched the show, we pitched an idea

and we didn't have a script. We didn't have anything. And so we went to Fox and we were like, Hey, we have this idea for the show. What do you guys think? It'll be this, it'll be a reunion. Like we'll go do it. And we told some funny stories and they were like, Hey, we like it. You know, we'll do six episodes and it'll be a summer event. And we're like, fuck. Awesome. awesome. We'll go write them. Let's do it. And we were literally writing like two days before episodes would shoot, one day before an episode shot on one of them.

How do you memorize that? You kind of don't? Kind of on the fly? Yeah, it's not really my process. I don't memorize words. I memorize like if there's a line, what happens that gets me to that line,

what somebody else says, so then lines just sort of fit. I paraphrase a lot. I improv a lot. I'll sum that up. Yada, yada, yada, et cetera, et cetera. They're like, this dick, none of that's on the page

asshole but that's just that's my thing and especially for this it was like you know I've well you're also playing yourself if I'm playing a version of myself I'm not going to say shit the way I wouldn't say it because you guys wrote it that way

you guys are going to really learn and like understand my sense of humor, how I would speak, what I'd say, how I'd react in the situation. And you guys might find it boring at first, and then you'll go, oh, okay, well, that's who he is. It's authentic. It's genuine. That's the most important thing, man.

I think with a cast this big, it has to be authentic with that. We're all really fucking different people, so you get a sense of that. It's good. You got those executive producer tags too, huh? Yeah. I heard that's the game in Hollywood. Once you get those EPs, that's when the money starts coming. Well, for us, the big deal is on the first show, the original, we weren't.

We didn't have that. It was like, listen, I'm not going to go back and do six episodes, possibly more, and not have people take seriously when I say, that sucks. I don't want to do that or I don't want to do this. I need to be a part of it that way. I need to not just be some hired actor. This is something that I feel like i have i have i built the original thing so now you know give me some say like i sort of know what i want to do and know what works and what doesn't and so you're going to give me that and that's everybody got that yeah flex yeah

exactly to be working out man so uh well it's the same thing you have here you're not you're not sitting reading somebody else's fucking notes of what you're gonna say god we probably could use some of that but i don't know so uh the reboot the revival is out um and also the podcast all the people uh what's the name of the podcast it's called with brian yeah so i mean and we're doing uh we're doing a live a live thing of that so we started last year we did the atlanta thing and we're doing the live show this year at torrance High School where we shot the original 90210. That was the high school on our show. So I'm getting a bunch of people from the show to come from the original 90210 that were in those high school years.

When's that? August 31st. Very cool. Coming up. I was going to say, if we were out there, I think we were going to LA in September. If we were out there. Oh, I'd be at Torn Time.

I was going to be at that show. Yeah, if you guys happen to be there, give me your info and I'd love to have you come. And 90210 theme song, maybe just like the greatest piece of music ever created. It's just the greatest

little guitar riff. It's not really. But good on you. Right, thanks. I mean, blasphemy, Brian Austin Green. Blasphemy. Don't act like it's... No, no, no, no.

Yeah, no. Come on. That's fire. You're doing a great job. I'm going to leave it to you. That is fire, dude. Dude, have at it. Get out of here.

It's second only to Growing Pains. Make it sing. Growing Pains is the best theme song ever. 90210 is the closest. Kirk Cameron with the shoulder pads. Yeah, man. Spinning and shooting at the camera. We appreciate you coming through, man.

Awesome stuff. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. You were a blast. Thank you so much. Thanks, man. I mean, was I right? Were we right or were we right?

Brian Austin Green. He's awesome. I might go to LA just to go to that show. Just to go to the reunion? Yeah, go to the high school. I mean, and the best part about him, like, while, yes, super down to earth, almost like in a way, like, too much so, I wanted to be like, dude, you're still Brian Austin Green.

Like, fucking remember that, dude. You still get chased through airports thinking you're Justin Timberlake. You're Justin Timberlake. Which is good no matter who you are. So, yes, I'll sign for that right now. As much as he is that guy down to earth, he was still rocking three-quarter length pinstripe pants with the Gucci fur slippers. Quick reminder also, I am sleeping with Megan Fox

and I am cocky as fuck. The best spot to be. Brian Austin Green, you're my new hero. Keep it with the 90s theme here though. Another legend from my era. A dude whose whole family has been comedic royalty for decades now. He was a

huge prominent piece of MTV back in the day. He's back on stage now at Caroline's this weekend after we're on stage. Pauly Shore, the 90s icon, is here. And very appropriately, Pauly Shore's interview is brought to you by CBDMD. CBDMD is a trusted leader in the CBD industry,

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Use the promo code KFC 25% off. Fuck these mics, man. We got Pauly Shore in the building. Motherfucking legend is here. And we just mentioned you're gonna be at caroline's this weekend yes i'll be with chris cuomo we'll be there we're doing the freight we're doing fredo impressions you you guys are the guys that's

that's why i look familiar you guys are the fucking guys that put you but you're trump supporters get the fuck out yeah it is you're the ones that busted him. He put the phone on the thing. Could he have possibly had that anywhere? There's no way to guarantee that you're called Fredo. Dude, that's who he really is. But still, if it gets you mad, you can't react. I understand that, but that's who he really is. If you watch his show on CNN, you watch him host it,

he always looks really pissed off. The only reason why he's not acting that fucking pissed off is because he's on CNN. Right. So at a party when you go, hey, Fredo, get the fuck away from me. It's normal. I'd be surprised if he didn't act like that. Had you ever heard? I've never heard Fredo used as like a pejorative.

Never. I mean, I guess I have, but not as like a slur. Not as a slur. No. It's not a good thing, but it's not like you're trying to be highly offensive. I didn't know that it was that bad. I don't think it was. I think this is fucking made up.

I think he just made this up. I think he was just messing with it. It's almost like the old Howard Stern. You know how Stern would send people? Yeah, yeah. It's one elaborate troll. Yeah, yeah. It's very Stern-esque.

Did someone send that person? Is that what happened? No, I think he's saying that's what it feels like. It almost is like... No, no. Stern is inspired. Just everyone does that now. People don't get sent to do it.

It's just what happens. They do it on their own. Right. Yeah, I'm going to get a couple retweets out of this. You got the shades on, Paul. Look at that guy. Is that your twin? He's my brother.

He's not my twin, but he's my brother. That's good. What's up, bro? What's going on, man? How are we feeling today, man? What do you got on the dog tag? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off, bro. You're crying, dude. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry, man. What's going on, man? How are we feeling today, man? What do you got on the dog tags? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off, bro.

You're crying, dude. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry, man. It's pretty cool, though. No, this was, I did a show at a Funny Bone in Virginia Beach. Okay. And they gave me this. Pretty cool.

For being iconic. Oh. That's cool, right? I mean. Real diamonds? Fucking iconic. I don't know, dude. It doesn't matter.

I'm rich. It looks pretty legit. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah, man. Of course. So we actually will be at Caroline's. Well, actually, by the time this airs, we will have been. We're at Caroline's Wednesday night.

So we just kind of started to get into the live show game ourselves. Perfect. So Caroline's is a pretty cool spot. But you're up on stage. I know it's something you've done, you know, for. I haven't done New York in a long time. I haven't, you know, usually, you. Usually you go every two or three years. It's been probably four or five years since I've done.

All right, so you've got a little bit of a return. Yeah, it's a little bit of a comeback thing happening here. But Caroline's for me is like a great club. There's so many clubs in New York. And Caroline's for me is like it just represents kind of Americana because it's right off of the main strip there. And it's like you get all the farmers. Hey, man, that's Pauly Shore, man.

Let's go check that shit out, dude. You get those people. Those are my fans. Those are your people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, those are the people that usually come see me. If you see my show on the road, it's mostly like, you know, Caucasian. It's once in a while they'll be African-American.

Familiar. Fucking same. Fam can see that. It's once in a while they'll be in African-American. Familiar. Fucking same. Familiar with that audience, yeah. I think we had our first live show ever we had two black people at. And then our most recent one we had four. So we're coming up. That's double, bro. That's, as far as I'm concerned, 2X.

But what's weird is that for me, like, I get recognized a lot by black people. All the time. And they're all so super supportive. You know what I mean? Yo, bro, what's up? But they're like, come see my show. Man, that's cool. I'm good.

That's cool, man. I'm going to check out Earthquake, motherfucker. He's coming through. DL motherfucking Hughley. I'm going to check out Monique. So, yeah. But it is what it is. I'm just happy I'm alive, really.

That's what it's about. I mean, I feel that, dude. Oh, my God. Your bro's up there, and they got this. They're multiplying. Where did he fucking come from? Where's his fucking roof? Dropped from the ceiling, man.

They're multiplying. I mean, you say that, but honestly, to have the run you had, I mean. I know. It is impressive you're alive, bro. It's crazy, and you guys are the newer guys, so I'm kind of handing it off to you guys. I mean, it is impressive you're alive, bro. It's crazy. And you guys are the newer guys, so I'm kind of handing it off to you guys. I would love that, man. Put it in the toilet like I've done.

No, no, it's, you know, at the end of the day, it's about the love for making people happy. And it started for me at a young age. I've always enjoyed making people smile. Yeah. I feel like that's exactly what you are too is like a good time. You know, just your whole vibe, your comedy, your movies, your catchphrases, your everything is always just kind of like let's just be – just have fun. The movie I just finished, I just finished a film called Guest House. It's a comedy where I play this guy that won't leave out of a guest house, and it's like that vibe.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I feel that. It's like that vibe. It's kind of like Neighbors or like War of the Roses or something like that where I'm like this war between me and the two people. But my point is what you said, which was good time. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And that's what the films were and that's what I do. I mean I'm a 90s kid, so I like – Where did you guys grow up? I grew up in the Bronx. He's a Boston guy. Oh, sick. So I mean – I love Boston, dude.

You're a Boston guy? I dude i love i love the east coast where were you born so why do you come here so rarely i know i perform on the east coast a lot but this particular like new york city i don't perform a lot i mean i i mean i perform actually mostly on the east coast yeah mostly on the east coast are you you've been i mean your family's kind of like you guys have been like comedy royalty, right? I mean, your parents finding the comedy store. Yeah, that's what they say. So you've been like in that L.A. life, you know, Hollywood.

Yeah, I'm kind of burnt out on that whole thing. You know, and then Sunset Strip, if you haven't been there lately, it's definitely not what it was. In what sense? Well, there's the whiskey, the Roxy. It's like one big Chipotle. If you go down Sunset, it's just billboards and this and that. It's just they've knocked down the House of Blues. They've knocked down everything, and they're building these kind of apartments or condos.

And it's just like you drive down it, and it just doesn't feel like it was. Do you ever think about it? Well, I live in Silver Lake. So that's like Los Feliz. That's like Outwater Village, Echo Park. It's like people that look... That's why I have a beard because you have to have a beard to live there.

It's kind of like... How far is that? I'm not familiar. Are you pretty removed? You're still there though. Yeah, but... Did you ever think about just like getting out? Like, I don't know, go live...

Yeah, I wanted to sleep on your couch. You don't want to live this life, man. No, you don't want to do that. I feel like that's been a knock on LA forever, though, that it's like fake and everything's kind of, you know, hoity-toity. Hasn't that been that case? I guess. It's more recent. I guess, but I always like people always say to me like hoity-toity and LA being this a certain way.

It's like, well, then get the fuck out like it's like if you know people just care about themselves there then accept it and be like okay cool be part of it or yeah and people are very narcissistic and and like be cool with it you know what i mean and like you go to iowa and people are like walking on their tractors and you could be like oh they're fucking guys on track like no dude that's what they do so like la is that and accept it and if you don't like it fucking get out you know it's like but so to me it sounds like you don't like it but that you're still there no the thing is the thing is it's i'm not wanting to leave there because of that i'm wanting to leave there because i've been in there la my whole life yeah that. That makes sense. That's all. It's not like specifically the way that people are. Do you think you're going to?

I think so. I think so. Well, the cool part is that there's Airbnb now. So you can go set up. I like that movie Forrest Gump. You know how she died of AIDS in that house at the cul-de-sac at the end i always wanted to like you know like like be at a house like that and like a four bedroom and just put cameras in there and bring my friends there and write and smoke weed and like you know so you want a house yeah but like

but something like in the middle of nowhere like you know what i mean like go like totally secluded yeah just like like so wait why don't you do it then man yeah chapelle did it like go get a farm and yeah he lives like in dayton ohio and shit but i'm probably gonna do it you know what i mean i'm just not ready i've been well i've been going through a lot of stuff with my family and my mom and my dad and everyone died around me so i'm just like getting through all that shit so it's like yeah i'm sorry about your father yeah my dad yeah my dad died like about four months ago when that happened i you know there's a lot of press about it, and I watched a few things. You going on tour with him must have been like one of the coolest experiences ever, right?

Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was, yeah, because he wasn't a fake comic. He was a real comic. So like, for instance, like, oh, Pauly Shore's dad's going on in front of him. They're like, oh, he's going to suck, or he's going to be like, this is a joke, right? And we were like, no, dude, this guy's funnier than me, actually. I actually got my shit from him. So then that would kind of be my opening line.

See, now you guys know why I'm fucked up and why I'm who I am is because of this fucking guy. And my dad, dude, he's fucking awesome. He was awesome. And we had so much fun. We went on tour and I brought him on the road and all over and stuff. You know, we toured for a while. Was there ever, I mean, obviously, like I said, they did find, they founded the comedy store. And so they were in that world.

Was there ever, like, another path for you? Was there ever a chance you wouldn't have become a comic and an actor? Or was that just, it was written in the stars? It was pretty, yeah. It started off at a really young age, or was that just it was yeah no it was pretty in the stars pretty yeah it started off a really young age you know when i was like 11 did you always like it though was there ever time you were 11 were you doing like performing were you in stand-up no i was just naturally funny yeah it wasn't like i was performing or i wasn't acting it wasn't like i was a child star it was just like i would always fuck with people. And, you know, I mean, anyone that went to high school with me always, they know me. So it's like they know, like, oh, it's Pauly.

He's, you know, fucking around. And that's why I think the MTV thing took off so well when I hit on MTV because it was just me. Was that the break? Yeah, I think that was like the big, big break. I mean, that's the interesting thing is like with MTV is like, you know, it was so big, you know, at the time. And, you know, and sometimes I say to myself, hey, maybe I shouldn't have done that. You know, because it's like in life, you know, you make choices and you're like, you know, well, if I didn't do the MTV thing, because I was acting pretty seriously before I hit MTV. I was doing a lot of like serious acting stuff.

And then the MTV thing came and it just took, it just took kind of a goofball kind of place. Then we developed the films and had my run of movies and all my stuff after that. So if I didn't do the MTV thing, then I would have never done Encino Man and Sun Lone, all my films that I did. But now I could have been more like a Tom Hanks. You know what I mean? Because I didn't fuck around. I around i was doing you know i don't want to say 21 jump street was a serious

show but i was just doing dramatic i did a saint else where i did 21 jump street i did a movie with uh hugh hudson cherry the guy directed chariots of fire i did i read with francis for coppola i was like part of that whole likeat Pack, LA, Brad Pitt, that whole time. I knew Brad Pitt when he first started because he was best friends with this guy, Bernie Colson. Bernie Colson was in the movie Accused.

I don't know if you ever saw that movie, Accused, with Jodie Foster. I know. This was the late 80s. It was a pretty cool time in LA.A., like Patricia Arquette. And it was just, you know, it was like Downey, fucking Robert Downey. Like, you know, so it was pretty sick. Do you have, like, any, would you call it a regret that you did do MTV then?

Like, I feel like the alternative was pretty fucking good, too, though. I mean, you have some cult classics. At the time, I was like, you know what? I fucking love MTV because I was obsessed with music. I mean, it was awesome. At the time you were on it,

it was, you know, it was a cultural phenomenon. Yeah. So I was, you know, it was, it was like

right place, right time. You know, it's like Justin Bieber sitting on the steps on the YouTube video. He starts strumming and then boom, that goes to Usher's office and then it, da,. You know, it's like Justin Bieber sitting on the steps on the YouTube video. He starts strumming and then boom,

that goes to Usher's office and then it, da, da, da, da, da. So for me, MTV was so East Coast and then Doug Herzog and the people that ran it, they go,

hey, let's give this guy a thing and blah, blah, blah. And then it just kind of, it just like took off. I like how you know Bieber's origin story. The what?

I like how you know Bieber's origin story. It's dope. I don't know how many people know exactly like that.? I like how you know Bieber's origin story. It's dope. I don't know how many people know exactly like that. Yeah, it's dope. That's the thing about the business. It's like, you know, hit right place, right time, right thing. You look at Rogan right now.

It's like, Jesus Christ. He had podcasts in the UFC. Yeah, he had those two things as they were blossoming. He was at the forefront of the sport the other show you know that we eat the worms oh yeah

yeah that's the thing I mean Joe had this you know he had news radio and then he kind of has this new age element to his career where like you kind of keep adapting but we had Bill Bellamy in here not too long ago and like I mean just the amount of shit that came out of MTV from like the music the rock and jock adapting yeah um but the we had bill bellamy in here not too long ago and like i mean just the

the amount of shit that came out of mtv from like the music the rock and jock stuff the mtv sports like that was all you needed at the time well that's but that's the way the business was back then and i and i talk about this a lot you know it's like there was just a certain way to make it back then and now anyone can make it. So let me ask you this. I feel like, I feel like you, you have more ways to make it, but I also feel like there's a ton more competition because everybody,

there's a lot of white noise. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what it is. Like with my mom and the way the store worked with the comics, like for instance, Roseanne is a great example.

It was very simple. You come out to Hollywood, you develop, you know, a really good six minutes. You come out to Hollywood, you develop a really good six minutes, you go on Johnny Carson, you kill, and then all of a sudden NBC calls and you do a sitcom.

And that was it. Jesus. It was boom, boom, boom. Really? Done. Yeah, done. Think about if you went on Fallon right now and did a set.

You think all of Hollywood's going to be talking about it? No way. No. I think best case scenario, you get 40,000 YouTube views. Yeah, and like a set, you think all of Hollywood's going to be talking about it? No way. No. I think best case scenario, you get 40,000 YouTube views. Yeah, and like a couple hundred followers. But yeah, that's just the way it is. So would you say it was easier back then?

Because like I said, you don't need to – there's more avenues and the internet, and you can kind of just put it out there. But making it is – It was simpler. I mean I talk about people being narcissistic. I used to think people in LA and in New York were narcissistic. And now I realize, no, people in Iowa, people in Saudi Arabia, people are, everyone's, I was just in Saudi Arabia

working out there doing some shows. Everyone's on Instagram. You can't see them because they can't see them. They wear the veils and all the chicks. The UA, that's like the hotspot. Dude, hilarious, bro. Yo, so I went over there. Fuck, dude.

And all the girls, they wear the burqas. Yeah, they burqas. And then when I try to talk to them, they're just literally like, I'm trash. You know, like this. Like, yo, babe, hey, da, da, da, right? But then when I put on a Saudi outfit, like what a Saudi wears, a Saudi man wears, you know, with the turban and the vest. All of a sudden, they're going to be like, ooh. It's hilarious.

But, you know, that's how they dress out there. And it's not like I wasn't mocking them. I was just trying to fit in. Just trying to get the girls to like me, man. It's the same thing everywhere, right? You're just trying to fit in just trying to get the girls to like me everywhere right you just trying to fit in just trying to fit in uh when you had that run in the 90s i mean you know you were on you were on top like you kind of had this very unique type of comedy you're very like you stood out so much um what would you say was like the the your favorite movie and the peak of that run for you?

I'd have to say probably touring the world promotion for Son-in-Law. Okay. When Son-in-Law came out, it did really well, and Disney flew me all over the world. So that was like after a couple I'd hit already, and that was the one that like they had everybody. Yeah, well, Son-in-Law was the one that took me out of the teen audience and brought me into America.

And that was like when America fell in love with me was through that movie, Son-in-Law, because it appealed to so many different audiences. Yeah. It appealed to the younger audience, the older audience, the family audience. And it was just, and at the end of the day, it holds up and it was a good film. It was just well-directed. It was well-written. It was well-acted.

And it was simple, and it was sweet. So that was the one that hit all the chords. It's a wild phrase to say, like, America fell in love with me. Yeah. Did you have a moment? I mean, even on the world, the world fell in love with you. There. Did I have a what?

Did you have a moment where you really kind of, I don't know, sometimes we, even like the very small share of popularity we have, no, I don't. Sometimes I'm like, sometimes I don't get it, and i don't know sometimes we we even like the very you know small popularity we have no i don't sometimes i'm like sometimes i don't get it and i don't think about it and i don't understand it but i feel like when you have an undeniable moment like that where it's like holy shit the world or america has fallen in love with me it's just got to be a weird thing to experience you know what i'm still i still pinch myself today because i go on tour most of my shows i sell out most of them knock on wood and i get this love that i've that i get from the people when i'm on stage and it's it's fucking crazy you know what i mean and that's why i keep going it's like everywhere i go

i walk even walking in here everywhere hey and a lot ba-ba-ba. And a lot of it, I think, is the MTV thing before the films. Because if you remember my MTV show, I always looked in the camera like, yo, bros, check this out. Come here, come here. And it was this connection that I had with the people. It was almost like an early YouTube. Yeah. It was before.

But my point is that's why I think that everywhere I go, I get nothing but hearts. And it's fucking awesome. If you don't like Bali, you're an asshole. You know what I mean? You've never done anything to hurt anybody. You've never been anything but fun, right?

I've always been hugs. Nothing but hugs. Was the VJ, did they tell you how to be? Or was that just like, that's how you decided to do it? They were like, you've got to introduce the music videos or whatever. They didn't tell me how to be. And you can handle, you can do what to do it you know they were like you got to introduce the music videos or whatever and you can handle you you know you can you can do what you want to do they didn't know what the fuck i was doing they didn't know what the fuck i was doing i didn't really know what the fuck i was doing but it was just like you know let's try it you know the first one we did we did it we said yo bro check out a video because it's gonna be

major oh i do that shit and people are going, what the fuck is this guy doing? And it just worked. And then I would start pausing my words. I'm like, oh, because it's the wheat? So. And I'd do that shit. People are like, whoa, what the fuck was that? And then it's grind.

Dude. Oh. And then I would just start marrying. It was like a cadence. I had my own cadence. Yeah. I mean, for sure. Such a distinct style

did it ever did it ever like uh did you ever grow to resent it when people running up to you being like the waste oh and you're like yeah i think after the run when things slowed down i was doing this transition it was kind of like uh you know what i mean but then the older i got the more away from it i got the more cooler comes back around yeah yeah that makes perfect it's interesting you know it's the whole thing is interesting but at the end of the day i'm 51 now i'm 51 i look back and i'm like fuck i'm happy i'm still alive i don't have any diseases thank god i don't have any like cancer or anything like that i've had a lot of death around me just like all of us have every one of i don't know you guys but i assume your grandparents are different people and we're not here forever and that's fucking weird you know what i mean it's fucking weird that we're

not here forever and uh with you know i'm 51 so i have 30 more years pretty much at least you never know man they say people are gonna live like 200 no my dad lived in 92 yeah so that's cool but really if you make it to 80 you've won won, I think. Anything past that, you're like fucking. It's house money. Yeah, it's like you're stoked. You know, like my dad was like, when he was 90, I would go to his place in Vegas. I'd be like, yo, you want to go outside? He's like, for what?

Leave me the fuck alone. Don't move me. I'm brittle. You know what I mean? I saw a couple of your clips on Twitter today. Are you serious you want a kid? I've seen a couple of Pauly Shore mentions about wanting a kid. I think it would be stupid if I never had a kid.

I think it would be stupid. But I'm very particular, and I'm also very – I'm a nightmare too. You know what I mean? Who the fuck was I talking – oh, yeah, I was talking to Paul Rosenberg, who's Eminem's manager. And we were talking about Eminem and just how artists are just, we're fucking nightmares. You know what I mean? I mean, you guys, I don't know you guys, but I assume you're really into this fucking show. It's a hit show.

This is your number one fucking thing. And unless you get a chick that really lets you do this, it's going to be really hard. It's going to be really hard, but you need that particular type of chick. You know what I mean? It's like you're not getting paid a lot to do this. You come here because your heart is here, your friends, your family. This is what an artist is. You guys are artists.

I think that's a stretch. You're an artist. We're not. You are an artist. I don't know. I don't know. You guys have a hit show. You're an artist. We're not. You are an artist. I don't know. I don't know. You guys have a hit show. You're working hard.

We're trying. You're talking about the passion and all that. Do you have more of that for the stage or for film? Both. Both? Yeah, both. Gun to your head, though. Got to pick one.

Gun to your head. You got to pick one. Stand up. Yeah, stand up. Yeah, yeah, stand up. Interesting. Is that because you can feel the immediate reaction from the crowd and all that? Yeah, the love, yeah.

Well, you've been doing nothing but put out love and make people laugh for a zillion years now. We're not going to do any sports questions. This is a sports show. We've got to start talking sports on this show. We could do one or two sports questions. LeBron and Anthony Davis. Sure. What do you think?

That's going to be crazy. But then you've got, what's his name, Kawhi over on the other. You know what I started thinking about? LA's pretty strong, but all of LA. The Rams, you got the two basketball teams. Dodgers are killing it. You got the Dodgers. It's a good time to be in LA right now.

Yeah, it's like a mini Boston. And then your Boston's kind of. But I think now that you got rid of,rie, I think you play better because you guys were playing really good before he showed up. Basketball is not really my sport. That seems to be the consensus. Just pretend it is. That's what people think. But no, I'm a hockey guy.

So Bruins won the Stanley Cup last year. Football guy. Won the Super Bowl. Are you a sports guy? I love sports. Yeah? Yeah, I love sports hockey guy, so Bruins won the Stanley Cup last year. Football guy, won the Super Bowl. Are you a sports guy? I love sports. Yeah? Yeah, I love sports. I don't know.

I feel like I just would have not thought that. I wouldn't have guessed that. You're an LA guy, LA fan, through and through? Yeah, but I like all sports. I mean, I like tennis. I don't really – I'm not a big NASCAR fan. Yeah. That's not really my thing.

I love football. I love basketball. I don't know. NASCAR fan? That's going to upset middle America, I feel like. Yeah, I've already told them to their faces that I'm not a mascot. They're like, all right, that's cool. All right, we're good with that one. But no, don't say Cracker Barrel.

Don't say you don't like fucking Cracker Barrel, dude. Got to draw the line somewhere. You had another clip where you were talking about taking MAGA girls home after those shows. Taking what? Girls in the MAGA hats. Make America great again? Yeah, yeah.

I did say that? Yeah. That's hilarious. You're like, every time I just take home like a, I don't know, not a great looking girl

and I make America great again. I don't even remember saying that. I don't remember saying that. I love it, man. You got to promote my random rants podcast yeah i was just gonna say you're back into the youtube world uh yeah it's kind of like podcast kind of vlog ranting

looks wild i mean yeah it's tons of people roaming around your house and you're going off on anything right yeah it's basically just me and the cameras and i have a group you know it's like kind of like think of a kind of a bad version of Stern. You know what I mean? Like his is produced, mine's not produced. But it's basically kind of how I develop any of my standup. Yeah. My origins of whatever the fuck, you know, my material develops is so it's a great place for me to kind of rant and go all over my apartment. I have a switcher. Does this guy have a switcher, right? Is it a sling? No, it's a Panasonic. Oh, it's probably more expensive.

Mine's a sling. It's only like 800 bucks. It's pretty ghetto. Whatever gets the job done. Yeah, yeah. It's a switcher. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So he cuts away and it's just fun

and people are starting to pick up on it. So hopefully, you know, it doesn't feel like work. Right. That's the main thing. It feels like, you know, I feel like just getting shit out while I'm doing this. Right, you just press record. Yeah, I feel. Right. That's the main thing. It feels like, you know, I feel like just getting shit out.

Right. You just press record. Yeah, I feel like therapeutic. That's kind of how we describe the podcast. Where it's like, we don't even think we're like doing a show for people. It's just us talking. The only reason I don't go to real therapy is because I just do it in here. Yeah.

Make sure you check out Pauly on stage at Caroline's this weekend. Yeah. Go check out the random rants on YouTube. And all my social media platforms, which is just Pauly Shore. And then also, I have a new movie coming out next year called Guest House,

which I'm really excited about. So check that out. Check it out. Appreciate it, dude. All right, peace out. Peace out, dudes. What's up? What's up, dudes?