KFC Radio - The Fellas Get Riled Up Over World Series of Darts Ft. Troy Bond

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:54 XL's aren't what they used to be 15:53 Feits' trip to Amsterdam 17:49 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9xHdP1zhZ4 33:03 Team Impact Dinner 46:57 Barstool DVR 54:07 Word for not texting back 59:35 The Return of Mintzy 01:06:57 Nicky Smokes Has been hired for 100k 01:11:59 Darts Darts Darts 01:19:49 We have proof of a UFO 01:29:53 Video Voicemails 01:38:03 Troy Bond Interview Preview ++++++++++++++++++++++ Pirate Water: Go to barstool.link/drinkpiratewater to find pirate water in a location near you Turo: Find your drive. Forget boring rental cars at https://bit.ly/3Lwerc1 Store: SHOP NOW AT https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/barstool-dads FrontDoor: Download the app now and get a free video chat! barstool.link/FrontDoorAppYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm money for the Ukraine. This guy is our Ukraine. We got problems at home, but we can send money to Ukraine. Nicky Smokes got a job. We don't even have bloggers anymore, but Nicky Smokes gets $100,000? Jersey, we are finally coming your way.

People in Jersey have been asking for KFC Radio Live, and I'm always like, hey, we're in New York. Why don't you come see us? But I realize you don't want to cross the river. You want us to come to you. I get it. You've been playing hard to get. You win. We're coming to Jersey City on July 13th.

You can get your tickets now. Tickets are available in any of the KFC Radio social media. Click the link. Get your tickets at the White Eagle Hall in Jersey City. Come on out. Have some drinks. Eat some moots, Jersey City. We'll have some Hoboken good times.

We'll drink some beers. We'll tell some jokes. KFC Radio Live in Jersey. What are you expecting, John? I was for sure going to say White Horse Tavern. White Horse Tavern. White Horse Tavern. Yeah. Is that what it is?

No, it's White Eagle. You were right. Oh, okay. White Eagle Hall. When you were like, you looked at me and you were like, white. And I was going to go, you went eagle. And I went, okay, next one. And then you went hall.

And I went, no, okay. White Eagle Horse Tavern Hall. July 13th. Come see KFC Radio Live. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We're back in action. Philly's been forever. It does.

It's been like a week and a half. We missed a week of episodes, but we had recorded one early. So, yeah, we had about like 10 days off. And it feels like... It feels like I haven't seen you guys in months. It's wild. It's so not healthy and normal. I took a five-day vacation. Yeah, we had about like 10 days off. Yeah. And it feels like... It feels like I haven't seen you guys in months. It's wild. It's so not healthy and normal. I took a five-day vacation.

Yeah, yeah. And I felt like... Dude, even coming back to work, like getting in in the morning, I was like... Oh, my God. I felt like I was coming out of retirement or something like that. This morning, for some reason, I woke up and I was like, I feel like I need to get a coffee. I need to get back into a routine that I didn't even have before i'm i apologize in advance for my coughing i have pneumonia i have to have pneumonia i went to a walk-in doctor and i was like they were like what's the problem i was

like i have pneumonia that's the problem and they listened to my chest with the thing and they were like we're gonna do x-rays because you probably have pneumonia and i didn't but i was like how what so you should die i think i'm just gonna die yeah because i don't i don't have a fever i don't have aches i have nothing else i'm just coughing i don't know if it's my haunted house i don't know i mean you open up that well and then in like three days i'm definitely ill definitely yeah i've got some sort of spirit like coming out of the well and into my mouth what happened when they opened up King Tut's tomb. I honestly, as much as it may be the hauntedness, it might also just be that I'm living in the country now.

It's not at all. It's one step from a major highway. That's what's crazy. I can see a highway, and there like a major mall near me like it's not but I just have this little like cove that is some sort of god damn zoo with flowers and fucking flowers

and bushes and trees and grass and all this shit yeah that's what I'm saying I'm like I don't think it's allergies I think it's just that like I have just been breathing in like rat poison and city smut my my body's like can can handle that but you give me some fresh cut grass and a and some honeybees around some flowers and i'm like get me out of here i think there is like borderline truth to that i went to

a um i was in portugal I went to like a fucking dinner where like it was on a farm and they were like these bulls were killed or cows were killed right at the hill. They were brought right here.

They're fresh as can be. No pesticides. No thank you. I was like this is terrible. It was literally not good. And I'm sure my body was like what is this fresh meat?

Give me my gmos and my msg yeah yeah i i really think that teeth i said about i i can do the homeless people i can do the the rats i can't do the animals i can do the the garbage water and the slush puddles and the stinkiness of the city i can't do the fresh cut flowers and the wilderness. I'm like, I'll be inside. It's a beautiful big yard now. I'm like, let's go play video games. I don't want to be outside. So I'm dying. If I cough, I'm sorry. But yeah,

we have a whole bunch of shit to get into. One thing I just wanted to start with, I got a problem with the clothing industry, with the fashion world. I wore this for a reason. Remember I told you? I got some problem with the clothing industry, with the fashion world. Okay. I wore this for a reason.

Remember I told you? Yeah, yeah. I got some Bugle Boy thrift stuff the other day, and I was thinking about – I was kind of at a spot where I was like – for the past however many years, I was pretty much exclusively wearing our own clothing. We designed so much over the last few years. That's all I wore. I did a couple of regular things outside of that. But I was was like i don't really know what i'm wearing these days or what

my style is what brands i want to wear and i just started thinking of old school brands i was like i'm gonna try to find some bugle boy i found this regular shirt bugle boy if you don't know if you're younger like bugle boy when we were kids was like the fucking i don't even was it cool to you or was what like your mom put you in i think it was what my mom put me yeah but did you like fucking i don't even was it cool to you or was it what like your mom put you in i think it was what my mom put me yeah but did you like it i didn't i i didn't have opinions yeah at that point we were just like whatever i was a piece of clay my parents yes right that's how i feel too i do remember having like a pair of bugle boy elastic jeans that i was comfortable but i just remember everything was bugle Boy, Bugle Boy.

Bugle Boy is a company I tried to collab with for Saturdays for the Boys. Towards the end of Saturdays for the Boys being cool, which apparently it still is. Totally. We've talked about it. I feel like a few years ago, we said, in a few years, it'll be

nostalgic enough. It's just Saturday for the dads now. Right, right, right. And the – but I want – I don't know if we ever even reached out or what happened. But it was a – that was like – when I was thinking of like how we can keep Sadist of the Boys alive, I was like, let's do a collab with Bugle Boy. We did Oakley, right? We just did it. We just designed it.

Yeah, we just sold it. Okay. We were going to like try to actually – well, so I didn't even know if they made, right? We just did it. We just designed it. Yeah, we just sold it. Okay. We were going to try to actually. Well, so I didn't even know if they made adult clothing because I just remember it as little boy clothing. So anyway, I searched for this shirt, and I just found something that says it. And I thought to myself, I haven't been the healthiest of guys recently. I put on some pounds.

I've been wearing a lot of XL t-shirts. Larges are really starting to show my tits. So I'll get an XL. And then this shirt arrives. This is what XLs used to be. This I'm like swimming. Right?

Bro, look at that collar. Have you washed it? No. Okay. Which is actually gross. Yeah. But I wore it for a reason. Because obviously I look ridiculous.

I was actually hoping. I was like, people are going to not see this episode and just see me wearing this ridiculous shirt. And be like, that kid, he looks like he's dressing like a little boy. This is what extra large it should be you think so yes i think we have gotten so out of hand think about the word john it's extra large that's true you put on you put on an xl t-shirt now and again i know like i could definitely afford to lose like 15 pounds so this is part of me just being a fatter person now. But in general, if you look at other things, give me the extra large soda or popcorn.

It's fucking enormous. Almost like the standard now is like a large and XL and like smalls and mediums. Like fucking forget about it. That's not even like an option. Yes, medium used to be a thing. I guess were like in high school then so we but even but even still like like when you look you were a medium now you're 120 pounds you're you yeah you are like an emaciated like starving person totally like small is not even but i guess you were back then too well yeah you were never mind we grow as people age well that's i i am acknowledging yes like i do know that i'm

getting bigger but like there was a there was a switch because i put on some xl hoodies and xl t-shirts now and i'm like i know i could tighten up but this is crazy yeah it should be like what the world like there are small people and medium and large people. And then, like, I mean, I hate to throw them under the bus, but in my head, I was thinking of Frankie Borelli, who's just like a slighter guy. He probably wears, like, a large. Oh, he for sure wears large. That's crazy. He's tall, though.

Yeah, he does have the height. But who's somebody, like, well, this is rude to do to people. But it's not. Bring everyone in and tell them to take their shirts off. I think, like, there's probably nobody out there that wears, like, a medium every day. I bet you even Hubs. Hubs is...

Hubs does wear, like, mediums, I think. But, like, you throw him in a... He would be like, I'll wear a large. Hubs should not be a large in society. That's a good one. You know what I mean? And then this is what it should be. By the way, Hubs.

Poor Hubs. Congratulations to Hubs. Congratulations to Hubs. Fucking Jake Marsh had to hit a hole in his engagement day. You popped the question. Incredibly rude of him. You got Farrah Fawcett in. Hubs should have been the star of yesterday.

Fucking Jake Marge had to bury from a buck 87. I actually said to him, I said, how'd it go? And he said, as amazing as it could have gone. Well, apparently not. Except a co-worker hit a goddamn hole in my head. Stealing a thunder. Now, Hubbs is about to be a married man, so congratulations to him. And then it's great that you can wear mediums, bro.

But I just feel like for everybody out there who's probably in the same boat as me, where it's like, I've been a large like my whole life. And yeah, all of a sudden now, maybe I got to size up. But now all of a sudden these XLs fit like larges. Larges fit like mediums. And smalls are not even a fucking, i don't even see small on the rack and so i don't even know how really big guys get their clothes because it should honestly be tall they probably have to be like a 5x it is you know like a double xl in the past i feel was like a bed sheet you know because if

you were to think about again it's your that's a that's to think about, again, that's a big guy. He's large. That's a large guy. That's a double of that guy. He's a double extra large. That's what probably this would be today. It's crazy. You see someone, you go, well, that's a big boy. They probably wear a large.

Exactly that. That's the problem. I don't know when we had the great shift. Some brand, some person. It's also like, it's counter to how – like we're getting bigger. Fatter, yes. If we were getting – oh, by the way, I saw one of my Instagram ads. I guess that makes sense. If we're getting bigger.

No. Nope, I've lost it. Close the tweet. I've lost the thread. I've lost the thread. It's gone. It was never really there. You had it for like a split second it's gone no if we're getting bigger then clothes should be getting bigger

larges should be getting correct yes yeah okay yes i was right you were right that's the total opposite like back in the day yeah people were tinier and it all made sense it's uh i think now i've lost the thread uh but yeah we're all fat americans so like and i know i know it's happened with women i know i think like a size 12 is like a size six now. Like, you know, now people are wearing like double zeros and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, probably make you feel like shit. I know, I guess it makes you feel better, again, lost the thread. I think it's like, you know, fat people can be like, I'm just a size 6.

It's like, well, no, it's just because we're fucking adjusting the whole thing. You're a size 6. What was that, Trent? Trent saying I'm stuck between a large and an XL and it's ruining my life. That was in what year? 2018? And look at Trent. Slim as hell. Hell yeah.

That's a borderline medium man. That's what I mean. Like that guy is just a regular dude and nothing about him should be extra large. That is so fucking mean. That is crazy compared to like the picture compared to like I'm stuck with you. That's a regular guy. That's a regular fucking person. Like I say everything else in life, you know, we're mediocre. I'm medium at everything. That's a regular guy. That's a regular fucking person. Me, like, we, I say everything else in life, you know, we're mediocre.

I'm medium at everything. And I'm medium size. I'm a little bit taller than the average person, but I'm certainly not, like, big. I should be more in a medium-large than I should be in a large and XL, you know? Small should be for, like, adult guys who are, like, a little bit smaller. What is this? This is a guy who wrote, you're a man of the republic, and this is getting a little ridiculous. Let's close up. Is he saying what I'm saying?

Yeah, good for this guy. I fucking like this guy. Yeah, and this is my favorite thing, too. When you buy a shirt, and they are like, here are your measurements. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure that's a very effective chart.

If anyone in the world knew what their fucking chest in-seam was. Pop on down to the tailor real quick and figure out chest in scene was get the fuck out of here this is everybody at Barstool right here these two nobody should be well not everybody were those two and then where are people

who are off the television all the way on the other side that's exactly what I mean big and tall is like you know you could could be kind of overweight and you're probably going to big and tall these days. Every shirt I put on, I'm like, oh, my tits are out. And again, I know that I'm like a bag of milk, but it shouldn't be like, anytime I put on an XL, I should be like, good. There are times I'm like, oh, shit.

I was like, am I a double extra large? At some point it's their fault, okay? At some point it's the fashion industry's fault. So I don't know if it was Banana Republic, because they have everything. Old Navy, Banana, Gap, so maybe they decided it. Maybe

some designer decided it. Maybe the internet did it. I don't know. But at some point in that time frame, we decided to just shift everything. And you don't want to shift. You don't like I don't want to. You know, I'm like holding on to like, no, I'm a large. It's like, well, you're not.

But I am. But I fucking am. And mostly on the. This is the audio version of the drill tweet. I'm not owned. I'm not owned. I say as I melt into a cork up by it. Like, I'm not fat. I'm not owned. I'm not owned, I say as I melt into a cord cut pipe.

I'm not fat. I'm not fat. This is two things. This is me trying to prove to myself I'm not fat and me just being upset I can't wear my Bugle Boy shirt because there's no way I can ever wear this again, man. If you wash that, you'll probably be much better. I guess so. I guess that's also the problem. The other problem with

vintage stuff is you can wear it like once. One time. Because everyone's like, oh, that's sick. And then you wear it a second time and you're like, still wearing that Backstreet Boys t-shirt. Yeah, right, right, right. That's a great point. I just gave my sister a Backstreet Boys t-shirt. I was like, I wore it once. I can't really wear it ever again. Yeah, you get the pop

from the crowd. Like, ooh. And then it's just like, that can be a regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, legitimately, for, ooh. And then it's just like, that can't be a regular shirt anymore. I mean, legitimately, for this to fit, I'd have to like, look how much it has to take. You're Homer Simpson. For that to be a regular ass shirt. That is what a fucking XL should be, folks. So anyway, I got to lose a lot of weight. Don't overthink your Father's Day gift day gift remember your dad is richer than you

so don't try to buy him something expensive this is a terrible idea don't buy something good for your dad get him something cheap i'm glad you barstool i've done this ad read before and i went i don't understand this at all this is crazy it's like it goes on to be like it's cheap like he either already has it or you're gonna make yourself look financially irresponsible and stupid it's a lose-lose so buy him cheap shit from barstool the barstool sports if we can clip in the time i did this ad read i had like perfect exact reaction he's richer than you already so you don't have to get him something nice it says that in a copy i don't know if i guess i guess for the younger audience it's to be assumed your dad's richer than you

but I don't know I don't know whatever fuck your dad get him something from Barstool Sports that's kind of what we're saying right I don't know whatever I'm just gonna get the fucking ad read how about you guys

just go to the Barstool Sports store and buy him something that he might like from the Barstool Sports store rather than saying guys just go to the Barstool Sports Store and buy him something that he might like from the Barstool Sports Store rather than saying buy him cheap shit from Barstool. I mean, there is just nice stuff

for your dad. Why don't we just talk about like the nice hoodies we have or the cool hats or like a funny t-shirt? No, no, no. Let's preface it with some weird ass copy first.

God damn it. God damn it. Go to the Barstool Sports Store now. it's store.barstoolsports.com dads like stuff from barstool yeah just get them a dad hat like i don't mean the dad hat style like the one that says dad everyone who's a dad wants a hat that says that yeah i'm like i don't i'm not even making that up people dm me no people ask me in public like once get one of those girl that hats? Can I get a boy dad hat? Yep. Dad rope hat.

Once you're a dad and you can lean into the dad jokes a little bit and the dad style a little bit and you have the car like I am a dad, it's great. Yeah. Buy him that stuff. Store.barcelsports.com. It's cheap. That actually goes rather nicely with me in Amsterdam. Oh, yeah.

Johnny Amsterdam. Two trips to Amsterdam in, what, six months? No, not even, I don't think. Four months, something like that. But I didn't see a single fat person the whole time. Actually, no, that's a lie. I did see one. They were in a Washington State sweatshirt, right, where Bledsoe went.

So it checks out, yeah. And I was like, you don't see a lot of washington state such as in but when i was shopping i had to keep um sizing up and trying different sizes because it was like nothing they were doing i i got got on instagram on some shitty you know hoodie thing and i went to it and they had japanese clothing too japanese like pants or something they were called like hinshoto pants or shinodo pants or something it's a factor of three that the difference between american sizing and japanese sizing like our large is their triple xl that checks out so yeah but so think about it you would be a famous sumo wrestler in our country. You'd be the biggest person in the history of Japan.

Think about it. We'd parade you into arenas with a diaper on. We'd tell you to smack bellies with our bed. Crowds would go wild. You'd be Godzilla. You'd be Godzilla. We'd make movies about you. Yo, that is such a funny thought. Sumo wrestling had to be invented by sumo wrestlers, right?

Like by fat guys in Japan who are like, we are the freaks of the bunch. So we got to make it so that they like revere us. Because like what? That whole stick is crazy. Yeah, we're going to put you in diaper thongs, and we're going to throw you in the middle of the ring and make you cockfight with each other. But not, like, fight-fight.

Yeah, you got to rub bellies until someone falls over outside the circle. It's like glorified steal the bacon. And these guys are, you know, honored as if they are. Oh, my God's i'll say this about sumo wrestling much like the shirts i guess almost the opposite direction again i've lost the thread i feel like i see sumo wrestlers who i'm like that looks like a regular american oh yeah like sumo wrestlers used to be that like yokozuna you know like fucking wider than they are tall now you see some guys who are like it's just a guy with all these guys i've seen in the last three hours

they're also a washington state sweatshirt on that guy no difference but i was about to say all these guys are wild athletic yeah super uh super wait that's a that's a fake one down the bottom left right that's a photoshop yeah like all these other guys all these guys are are quick and they're flexible and i love when you see them just fucking whacking each other but they're you know revered as these these you know like demigods in japan they're probably because the fat guys were like let's let's tell everyone that we're really really really awesome just for being fat. I wonder if it's because there's so...

Yeah, those are just two regular-ass dudes. That's what I mean. Like, that's, you know, that's fucking Big Cat and... That should be... You know how they have, like, Americans, or I think Japanese or Asian people have to go, too.

But, like, the mukbangs, we just love to watch them eat. We like to watch Americans watch sumo wrestling and go, what? That just looks like me and my friends in the basement. That's what I do with my buddies. That's you and YP in 2016. I love these guys.

Anyway, how did we get to Super Wrestlers? Oh, Amsterdam. Amsterdam. So, yeah, no fat people over there. No fat people at all. I do think – But, I mean, you know, when we went, they're eating pancakes all the time. We had a big Chinese food meal that was like regular Chinese food.

It's not like you go over there and they're like, here is your piece of rice and your little flower stem. Is it just that it's healthy? We didn't understand how much they don't use cars. It's crazy. Did you ride a lot of bikes? Didn't touch a bike. No, I'm sorry. I took a two-hour bike tour.

Dude, my mom said the craziest thing of all time. We landed at 6 a.m. At 10 a.m., we had a two-hour bike tour. Well, John mom said the craziest thing of all time. We landed at 6 a.m. At 10 a.m. we had a two hour bike tour. Well, John said it best. He texted me and he goes, what we did with Bert was some shit where a mom can lift up a car and save her kid

because we got off the plane and went right to the bar at 10 a.m. and just started ripping. That's easier to do than what you did with your mom. Dude, I'd rather do the Bert Kreischer. You get off the plane, you go right to the bar and you have to get shit faced and smoke a blunt like in a matter of an hour the fact that we did that you did a bike tour within an hour i don't understand how we did i almost fought the guy like like by that time we were on like only we're only like beer two or three we went for 24 more hours right i almost like, dude, don't fucking tell me what to do one more time.

I'll fucking smack you in the mouth. What was he doing? Nothing, dude. Nothing. He was fucking pointing out fucking monuments and shit. He chucked the fuck up. He's an exceptionally pleasant man. He was a really nice guy.

Although I do think that every American should be forced to go to Europe once every presidency. Every presidency. To see what the vibe is or whatever? Just because it gives you, like, I think, and I'm definitely speaking for myself, but you get a little sick of America. It's like your brother. You get a little tired of it, blah, blah, blah. But you hear someone else talk shit.

Oh, and you're like you better shut your bro fucking mouth he was like he was we were doing a tour of um vondelpark i think it's called something like that whatever we're pull over he's explaining to us all the fucking all the dykes and all the shit that yeah uh all the shit that like they needed to build to amsterdam to keep it like the you know all the wood mills are there and shit like that yeah yeah and And he's like, look over here, they are drinking the wine. And you cannot do that in America.

But you can buy a gun and shoot a school. And I was like, what did you say, you fucking socialist? It's called the Second Amendment, look it up! Like, the only reason you're allowed to have this stupid bike country is because we kill anybody who

talks shit okay you would be speaking german later he's all like being drunk in public and he's like he's like the policias they are reasonable you can just talk to them they will not shoot you and i was like they shoot criminals he wasn't an angel he had a hoodie on for for God's sakes. He had a rap sheet, I swear. I'd be back to blue. All right, Sam, we back to blue. I went to Europe, came back to fucking diehard Republican Q.

It was right. It is true, though. I definitely do feel that. I definitely do get that where part of me is like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. It makes you – we're obviously talking a little bit extreme there, but there definitely are times where I'm like, oh, yeah, no, America's still the best.

Don't get it twisted. Listen, is it great if you're between the ages, if you're in elementary school? No, it's not. Everybody else, like once you're an adult, pretty fucking good, okay? Yeah, I for sure get that. And also, of all places, Amsterdam is like, okay, you know, like we come here to eat bananas out of people's pussies.

You're not exactly the fucking hallmark of humanity here, okay? You got a bunch of bikes and whores. So maybe, you know, let someone else talk a little bit of shit. I will say the thing about the bike that is so sick Is the fucking It's so quiet Oh my god it's so quiet But I feel like it was like I would be afraid to ride the bikes

It wasn't that bad It's bike chaos no? We did it on a Friday morning Do you think it's easier to ride bikes here or there? Oh there for sure Once you get the hang of it It's just like cars. It's very – but also they were like – he was teaching us that like – he's like, you guys do bike lanes.

That doesn't work. Yeah, yeah. He's like, so the cyclists here are still fucking idiots. Yeah. They want to do one. He's like, we just had to start ticketing them like they were cars and then everyone started following the laws. Don't follow the laws here. So they're like everyone stops at red lights.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But the – That was a great picture you did, by the way, with the Dutch Masters. Yeah, dude. Me and my brother were in that room. We took a tour of the Rijksmuseum.

Did you remember that? I don't know if I have remembered that. That's good on you. But she didn't even point out that picture. I was like, I grabbed my brother. I was like, that's a JR picture. We fucking – Yeah.

We getting out of here? What the fuck? She's not even pointing out the JR picture? I would say, forget out the jr i would say forget about the anne frank house that's like the biggest attraction in amsterdam we are home to the jr smith instagram picture you know you guys know the blunt joke get it um but dude the the i honestly it was actually an incredibly relaxing trip i don't have like many stories from it uh i didn't see the sunset once yeah that's crazy the sun first of all let me just before you get onto the sun that's just called like being an adult and going

on like vacation you know it's like yeah we just went somewhere nice so we like enjoyed ourselves and did low-key things and like rested and relaxed yeah it was like that's just called this vacation but the sun's up from 5 a.m to 11 p.m right now i didn't see the sunset i didn't see dark i did like, like, there was one night I was walking home. It was borderline dusk. It was probably 1030, 1045. Bro, that, I'm telling you,

I'm surprised there's not, like, more crime or, like, psychological issues in Amsterdam. That ain't right. No, I actually think it works, because it's, your body, like, when it works because it's your body like when it gets night time, my body shifts. I go Mr. Hyde.

I'm like, alright, time to be fucking You're more like a citizen in the sun. It's almost like I get a rebirth. I'm like, this is the longest day ever. I want to go to bed. I guess you would just go home and go to bed, but part of me would be like get me out of this fucking daytime.

I still have to like – yeah, like I get home at night. I love when it gets dark at like 4 o'clock in the winter. It's like day's over. No requests. No work anymore. No nothing. Like see you later. The sun's down.

I go home now. You know what I mean? If the sun is out, people can reasonably expect you to do things and do stuff and it's like until what 11 o'clock you said it was not like it's it's going down yeah like i it's you know it was i it was i would get to my hotel 10 10 30 it was blue out not you know not it wasn't noon sunny but i i didn't see like street lights on when we went to the time you wake up it's blue yeah oh yeah go to sleep. Remember when we went to, like... By the time you wake up, it's blue. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. So, like...

Remember when we went to Bert's show and, like, we were on the water? I was like, this is so beautiful because all the lights were lit up. Never saw that. The last time I was, like, trying to get my mom and my brother to stay... You were there during the winter, right? February it was? Yeah, it was early February, maybe late January. So, like...

And now it's... Late January because we went to the Super Bowl after. That's so weird. That's so... I couldn't live like that. I don't know. That's – And then also it flips. We stay – yeah.

And that's what the – that's when people, normal people, I would love that. Normal people go crazy when they're in the dark all the time. That's like when we say we need the seasons during the year. That's like the micro version of that. I need the sun and the dark and I can't that's crazy to me and that's just how they do the uh the other other i had two other things i learned there one um this this would suck i didn't notice it when we were there because we were fucked up the whole time but when you're walking on the canals everyone has their blind like you can just see into everyone's house like

and like particularly like right here like like they. Like, they're right there. You're right here. Yeah. And you can just see them watch on the TV on the couch. You can see them cooking, all this shit. They don't, it's a Dutch tradition. Perverts. That you don't close the blinds because 800 years ago, when they would go out to sea to catch fish and whatever they would do, the wives would leave their blinds open so that

the neighbors didn't think they were fucking around and it's while their husbands were gone yeah and it's still tradition i'd be like if i can't masturbate on my goddamn couch because some bitch in the back in the past yeah used to rat on her neighbors yeah i'd be furious well i just i would just be fucking blinds open. Fuck you guys. It was great. I was like, the one time I spoke up at the museum. Like, wait a minute.

I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. So how do people jerk off here? What's your masturbation policies here in Denmark in Amsterdam? Actually, the only other time I spoke up at the museum, there was this guy, this little dude. He was very short. This American guy who was a dickhead the whole time he was complaining. We started like 10 minutes late because people had to use the bathroom. And he's like, I'm on a clock.

I paid a lot for this fucking tour, blah, blah, blah. And he's just an asshole. And he kind of just put a bad vibe. He's American, man. And then we get to William the Orange, who was the king of England and also before that the king of the Netherlands. We get to his bed. They had his actual bed in the museum.

It's dope how their bed becomes like a room. Their blinds are so thick. But it was so small. Really? It was crazy how small it was. And I did not let that go.

I was just like, humans? Humans fit in this bed? My God, if you could fit in this bed, you must be the smallest person of all time. I made a scene about how small that bed was. Were people like, what the fuck? No one said anything, but I know that guy was going, I could fit in this bed. That's about my size um what what uh uh weird like we're was your family like so like what you know what did you do last time like it's just such a different experience what you did this time yeah like no they really yeah like don't ask don't tell no i mean we went to the red light District once. I actually never saw the banana bar.

The Red Light District is Times Square. With your family? It's Times Square. Did you walk the strip where they're in the boxes, though? No, we didn't. I don't know if they don't come out at night. We were in the Red Light District. I thought we would just see them. We never did.

Maybe it's just to come out at night. But it was... I mean, I guess that's got to be, yeah. Because, again, when the sun's up, you're a respectable human. You're not going to buy a naked woman out of a glass box if the sun is still up. So those bitches are probably like, when is sundown? I got to get my money, man. I'd have, like, blinders over the top of my box.

I'd keep that shit dark. So there was – because I was thinking – I remember like the red light district just starts. Like it was like normal, normal, normal, boom, whores. It was. So I was like what do you do there if you're just like walking along with Polly and then all of a sudden, bam, there's a hooker. We would like – we would walk by like sex store. There were plenty of sex stores and like Times Square places that had like all like the fucking naked pictures and porns in the window and shit like that. But we didn't see any live women.

A couple dead ones. When I came back, I did the Team Impact dinner. The galley. And, dude, I posted a picture. And this was me coming back from Amsterdam. Even though the trip was wholesome, this was my reimagination of society. And I'm standing where we're all supposed to be. It's like I'm doing the news desk thing, taking pictures and all this kind of shit.

And they usher me into this picture where – and I just kind of get into it, and it's got a bunch of the kids are in it and and you know when you're taking a picture and they the photographer has to like change something so you're kind of already linked arms yeah and you just have a pause yeah do you stay there do you disconnect do you keep the arm around i'm there and it's like i'm with dan craft i'm with david andrews in the picture josh uchi. I'm looking around and I'm like, oh wait, this is the Patriots. On the team. I wasn't the only person there who has followers but wasn't a Patriot.

Jamie Riddell was there. Governor Baker was there. President and Senator Baker was there. Ty Law was there. He's a former Patriot. I was like, this is just me and the current Patriots. While we're all standing there, I was like, I guess just me and the current Patriots. And while we're all standing there,

I was like, I guess I should kind of say something to make this less weird. And I just kind of look at me. There's a guy right next to me. There's a big pressure moment, dude. I forget his name, but he's a special team around the Pats now. And I was like, I just go, I don't even know how I got

in this picture. And he just goes, everyone's welcome, buddy. No, I'm not a kid. I'm a man. I'm a man. No, no, no. This was backfired. I'm not a boy.

I'm an adult man. I'm like 10 years older than you, dude. He thought you were one of the kids. That's great. I'm a fully grown man. I will fight you right now. I am stronger than you are. Oh, man, that's great.

I wear an extra large. That is fucking hilarious. So I was like, all right that's great. I wear an extra large. That is fucking hilarious. So I was like, all right, I guess. I guess I'll go up dinner now. When they think you're part of the charity. That is really fucking funny. Gave me the double tap. I was like, God, I wish that was due to the back of the head.

That would have felt fucking better. did he call you buddy or something obviously he was being nice of course but no but that the proper reaction is almost you know i i know what you're doing there it's like yeah like you know why am i in this picture right you know like like, like, if Rabel was there, he'd be like, yeah, you fucking nobody. Get out. You know, he would go along with it. But the other guy's trying to be nice, like, it's okay. Your mommy's coming soon.

I just start doing push-ups. I can do 20. I'm a man. I'm 40. That is great. what do we got today do we have any interviews yeah

we have Troy Bond Troy Bond who just posted on his Instagram he was at a concert with Logic he's friends with Logic I wonder if it's

because they look alike they do look alike I wonder if that started like on the internet Matthew McConaughey Woody Harrelson friendship you might have the same dad I think when Logic was on like B. It's a Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson friendship. You might have the same dad.

I think when Logic was on Burt's show or something, he said, go follow Troy Bond. Well, Logic stopped his show and was like, we have one of the greatest comedians up and covers of this generation. Give him a huge shout out in front of a huge fucking audience. So we got Troy Bond on the show who comes in like a bat out of hell. I mean, holy shit. I mean, I'm a chameleon. I can go like low energy, high energy. Like I can match whatever the guest wants to do.

I was like, holy shit, we are. That was like fired out of a fucking cannon. Also, you mentioned our boy Bert. The boy did it. We haven't really talked. We haven't had an episode since The Machine came out. Movie Drop did the red carpet did the premiere i mean had everyone in the world from us uh to the rock to arnold schwarzenegger to mark walberg to joe rogan all the comedians with us there yeah top notch you know yeah ksu radio all the heavy hitters promoted that show the owner

of a sports league greatest bodybuilder all time mary to kennedy me and john uh but uh you know we got to see the advanced screening i guess maybe we we did talk about it a little bit. Mary Kennedy, they cheated on her. Yeah. Mary Kennedy was like, I can go. Imagine marrying Kenny and being like, I'm just going to fuck the housekeeper. Whatever. That's awesome.

And it had a little Frankie, though. Yeah. Dude, sorry, we're going to get it burnt. Speaking of Sonny, if you haven't watched Blackberry Yeah? Is he good in it? It's Is it a good story? It's great

It's air, but way better We said about air, it was like Air was just the story of a company I very much enjoyed, I think Ken Jack called it The most I forget what fucking word he used um but he used a word where it was like that's exactly what it is where it's like yeah it's not harmless maybe or something like that where it's like it's a perfect movie but like you know you're not gonna

really think about too much afterwards you enjoy the it's not gonna make you feel emotions yeah yeah that was pretty solid i was i very much like there i know like air is one of those movies where like everyone loved it and then people started watching on prime and they're like no it's not that good it's one of those like this is how i just thought i thought it was a very like oh uh that happened exactly how i thought it happened like they were in a bidding war they put all their like when when uh when when what's his is just like, here's my idea. We're going to go after Michael Jordan. Okay, yeah. But this is a little more in-depth than that? It's more vulgar.

That looks like two guys in costume, though. Yeah, it doesn't. That does not look like they are guys from that era. On the poster, I think people thought that, and I did too. It doesn't, sometimes a bad costume takes you out of the movie. Yeah. It doesn't at all. Well, we remember when he shaved his head.

No, I thought it was a shaved head. That's what I was thinking too. He bleached it. And he was like, I like to do something wacky every time. Nick, wasn't there a point where we thought he was for – He had a Peaky Blinders thing. I thought it was for Fantastic Four. For Fantastic Four because he has similar hair to Mr. Fantastic. So people got a little buzz about that. I thought it was for Fantastic Four Because he has similar hair To Mr. Fantastic

So people got a little buzz About that But I think it was for this He also had bleach for That was for like I forget He was the villain Arch Enemy

Arch Enemy Yeah I think he also did something weird When he was in Fargo He was a great character in Fargo But he's He's gonna become It's actually awesome to see

Everyone from Sonny Kind of getting there Going to their own They just deserve now Yeah Like Charlie's new movie Pete like he's gonna become it's actually awesome to see he's gonna everyone from Sonny kind of getting there it just deserves now like the Charlie's new movie isn't getting great reviews which I refuse to believe because it looks very cool in the original Fool's Paradise yeah obviously Rob with Wrexham and and Charlie also is Luigi and Super Mario Brothers Charlie Charlie like already was you know horrible bosses and he was set I. Glenn's had AP Bio and basically I think his major thing was AP Bio. But that is Dennis. You know what I mean?

Like this is like – when I found out that he was like Juilliard-trained actor and realized – But you know what? The issue with saying that's Dennis and not – not people are gonna say that about this at times dennis is such a wide-ranging character yeah that like everything you can build that's dead like like his character in this gets rageful and no one does rage like he does well that's what i'm gonna say it's so you know doing dennis is almost at this point i think like glenn howerton's like hallmark is like he can whether it's being funny and over the top and silly, or maybe in this movie I haven't seen it yet, is warranted.

Being able to act outrage, because really it's something you should only be able to capture in the moment. It's almost scary that someone can conjure that up. His is so scary. It's almost like his face doesn't, it looks angry, but I can't describe it. I actually have a clip that I'm going to show you. So I'm not, like, fucking spoiling anything. Right on time, Jackie. Jackie, it's hot as fuck in here.

Did you do something? No, but thank God. Dude, this scene... Basically, it's just like he tried to buy... Do you want me to tell you? Do you care? I don't care. Do you guys care?

No. I mean, I'm going to see it, but... Actually, no, I'm not. I'll see it when it comes out. No, it's on... Actually, no, I'm not. I'll see it when it comes out. No, it's on Prime now. Oh, okay, cool. I'll watch it tonight. This just hit...

I won't tell you the backstory, but just like... You think I won't fucking do it? I'm from Waterloo! And the vampires hang out! That's totally serious. Yeah. The vampires hang out. It's such an insane line that it had to have actually been said

yeah but that other guy at the start of that scene that's Gary Bettman he says that to the commissioner yeah wait what's he doing in that

it's when he got crazy rich he's a huge hockey guy the character oh okay got it but I'm making a t-shirt that says that and there's like a story to blackberry like oh yeah yeah oh yeah because i mean blackberry was it for a minute yeah blackberry is gonna go down in history but blackberry is looked upon so fondly

it's not like they like f the bag. It's just that they did. They fumbled the bag. They fucked the bag. They did it. Did they have a chance to be like iPhone and said no? They were not prepared for the iPhone. They did not know what was coming.

It's like fucking Netflix. You gotta see the movie. There's a lot of crazy shit. For the people who don't know, because we are old enough now. It's long enough now that, like, there's probably a lot of people who don't know BlackBerry at all. Yeah. But if you were a BlackBerry person, you were like – It was Hatfields and McCoys for a while.

Yeah. It was like you – now, you know, people – there's Androids and McCoys for a while. Yeah. It was like you now, you know, people, there's Android people and we make fun of them kind of, but it was like perfectly acceptable to be BlackBerry. You had a BBM, the messaging system that, you know, iPhone didn't have. It was like, it was it. And then iPhone just...

And there was a middle period. Remember when Dave had the... The iBerry. The iBerry. He had a BlackBerry stuck to the iPhone. And there was a little bit of that going on in the beginning. And then it just... See ya.

It was... Now it's still around, right? No. Don't believe me. I thought you could. Maybe it is. I think they had a comeback, but it was like the BlackBerry curve was like... Yeah, there is something, but it's just like a fucking Android.

Like it's just like a non-iPhone. But I think it has the keyboard. People love the keyboard and the click, and they love the ball. The strolling ball was like that thing. You remember – I'll tell you what. Everything you're saying will come into play. Yeah. The click in particular.

Well, because I remember iPhone I I think, put the noise in. Yeah. Because people liked the clicking. Which is now insanity. Fucking insane. You're asking me something. Would you know the Blackberry? Yeah.

You're old enough for that? My dad had it constantly. Your dad, yeah. Yeah. Bro, the Blackberry was so iconic and addictive, I played Brick Breaker while I got robbed once. On the toilet? On the toilet. Because, well, the ball was perfect for Brick Breaker.

Yeah. You had one? I never had one. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was Blackberry. That was my sophomore year of college. I probably didn't go iPhone maybe junior, senior year. I went from, I was Nextel.

Oh, the Nextel. I went from Nextel to the Razr and the Sliver to the iPhone. Nextel, Razr. Razr was the flip phone. Sliver was the – I don't remember Sliver. Sliver was pretty like – I never had a Razr. Sliver was like a thin –

I had weird phones until the Blackberry Razr. Sliver was what? Wasn't that like a thin Razr? Yes. Well, it was – but it was not a flip.'t that like a thin razor yes well it was but it was it was not a flip it was like a long skinny rectangle but it had music on it and i like that you could hold like a hundred songs so it was kind of like i think the first thing that did that and it was just like you know you didn't have to flip it just uh but it was small and very very thin pull up

pull that up sliveriver, SLVR. Because everyone, the Razer was like the hot shit for a minute. And then I think Sliver had like a brief moment, but it was like right when iPhone started. And I think it just got blown out of the water. But man, Nextels for me were, I would still to this day love to go back to the next. Nextel basically had audio notes going in the original yeah yeah you could but it wasn't you couldn't save it but you could just you know walkie-talkie to people it was just a quick one off here and there uh john by the way is a full blown iphone note guy i know a voice note guy i i sent you one you've sent me seven i've sent you

a handle because you sent me more recently than i've sent you it's it's i know i i i i've sent you a handle. You sent me more recently than I've sent you. It's, I know, I've sent them to literally nobody else. I do them to people who like it. I communicate to people how they want to be communicated to. Yeah, chameleons. But you've sent more than I've sent. I just wanted you to know. All right, so I got to do that. The most recent one I sent was one I was going to call you,

and I was like, he wouldn't want to call, so I'll send him a voice note. What a guy. What a guy. What a guy. Turo is the world's largest car-sharing marketplace. With Turo, you can book any car you want for just about any occasion from a community of local hosts across the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Australia. Book an SUV for a road trip, something easy and affordable for getting around on a vacation, or test drive an EV.

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If you're in the northeast right go down fame street newport go down a main street in a beach town fucking old dudes point at you and give you a thumbs up and nothing that's validation from dad you've been searching for for 20 years the only thing

better than when you pass people on a boat and give a wave is the car guys maybe give a little honk of the horn, a little wave out the window. Bro, it's bliss. And they don't need to know it's from Turo. As far as they know, that's yours, baby. You got good taste.

Every trip is backed by liability insurance. Terms and conditions and exclusions apply. So go find your drive. Forget about boring rental cars at Turo.com. While we're talking about BlackBerry, we can do a little Barstool DVR segment for you where we can rattle through some of the

stuff going on because I feel like there was the succession. To cap it off, it's a 10 out of 10. Watch BlackBerry. Was it in theaters at all? I'm such a fucking idiot. I drove 45 minutes to Hang a Mass. It's the only theater that's playing in Massachusetts. And you could have just watched it at home?

And I get home. I go to bed. What a dumbass. I wake up to a text from Nate that he had sent the night before, but he was like, it was Dave had quote tweeted me. And it was just like, you and Dave, you have a cute relationship. And I was like, what are you talking about? And then he said he quote tweeted you. And I went and looked at it.

And I saw. What was Dave saying? Like, we love the Blackberry? He was saying And I went and looked at it. And I saw. What was Dave saying? Like, we love the Blackberry? He was saying, he was like, I saw this tweet. I watched it right away. 10 out of 10. Whatever he said. Great movie.

Must watch. Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, how the fuck did he watch it so fast? And then I went to Prime. And I saw it was on Prime. And I was like, dude, it took me an entire day to watch this movie. I was going to say, it took you time. It took you money.

It took you everything to watch this movie. I was going to say, it took you time, it took you money, it took you everything to watch this fucking movie. I went early, and I got a dinner and hang a whole fucking thing out of it. Went to Old Navy, because my dinner ended so fast. It's in a little plaza. I didn't have anything to do, and there were no stores, so I bought two polos at Old Navy. A whole fucking production to watch this movie. Because they just never left your couch. That's great.

I'm watching... I feel like right now, once Succession ended, there was a little bit of a hole. People are kind of looking for something next. Have you watched Idle at all yet? Idle is the new shit that they're talking about. Kind of like a Euphoria type, you know. I think they're trying to capture that same, like, hectic. I heard it's not good.

Fuck it. Yeah. So I read one review of it, and it was written by, like, an old white guy. So I don't know if that's a fair assessment, but he was like, The Weeknd is the worst actor of all time, and this show sucks. The, like, big scandal, like, the big thing in the first episode is that the girl has a picture of her leaked with cum on her face, though. So they just dive right in. I heard it's so over the top with that stuff.

There was one scene I saw that they didn't end up going in. Or maybe they didn't end up filming. But it was like... I think Tedro is the weekend character's name. Is like... You have to keep an egg in your pussy or I rape you. Oh, Jesus. And that's like...

Not like around the house. Out and about. Like a fucking... What do you call it? I forgot what I was going to say. Like an egg? Like a sex toy? Yeah, like what these kids in high school carry a baby around.

You have to keep this egg in your pussy or – I forget. I was reading the scenes. I was like, these don't even make sense. What are you talking – you just want to say rape. Some of the one-liners I read from that review were like they were just wedging in shock value and one-liners and euphemisms. I guess – so she – there's a picture of her. Like she got a facial and that goes viral. And the one clip I saw was the girl going like, who amongst us doesn't have a picture of cum on her face like on the internet?

It's like, well, a lot of people. Or maybe she was saying who amongst us hasn't had cum on her face. But it's it's like well a lot of people yeah or maybe she was saying who among just hasn't had cum on her face but it's like i don't know and then uh i guess i think in the in the episode they debate whether or not it's bukkake the guy the guy reading it was like the guy writing the review was like i never thought i would be watching a show where they were like discussing the uh the merits of like you know what that debate is fucking the easiest debate is this is on out it's a defend

multiple people two oh it's two well no that's what I'm asking so I actually there is a debate yeah no I think if you had a threesome with two guys and they came on your face I would not say that was Bukkake I agree I would say I would say if you had three

guys, I would be like, they ran a train and defiled you. But I still don't know if I would say Bukkake. Yeah, no, I take back everything I said. There's more of a debate than I thought. So I think I also think there needs to be some

element of like a line. You go, you uh yeah you go you go you go it has to be i think for to be a bukkake there can be no penetrative sex oh that no that's not true is the sole point of the bukkake just if you're having no but but if there's like a gangbang going on and a girl's getting fucked and 25 guys come on her face, he wouldn't call it a bukkake? I would reluctantly. I wouldn't begrudge you for saying it,

but I myself would find a different term. I'd be like, I see the argument here, but... Let's elephant in the room here. If it's a whole bunch of Asian guys, we're calling it a bukkake. That's also another thing. I think if there is... I think

you're right that the focal point needs to be the cum in the face. Yes. Whereas, if it's like a gangbang situation and cum's flying, it can go everywhere. But it needs to be like, everybody has to... That's another thing. Everybody involved. One cum on the tits?

Out. Bukkake. Out. Anybody leaves it in, you're out. Now what you just had there was a blow bang. Don't worry. We've got that covered too. You can be a doll with this.

For a Bukkake, it's got to be like a fuck. You've got to be wearing a dog collar. You've got to catch it all. Nothing else. You've got to have a dog bowl at the bottom that catches any excess. Well, that was Barstool DVR. Before we do One Minute Man topics, I want to put this out to the world. Maybe we can do this, or maybe someone else can help it, or maybe someone smarter than I can help it or maybe this already exists.

You know how there are certain words? I think it's mostly in other languages. Like you know how German has schadenfraut, schadenfraut? Remember that word? I don't know how to say it. It rings a bell. Where it's like the – you relish in other people's like – when the Patriots lose, I have shade in front. I love that feeling, you know?

And it's just a catch-all for that feeling, you know? I think Germany has a couple other ones. They have that one, Farfig Newton means driving pleasure. Like, when you're just driving and enjoying it, they have a word for that. So maybe I need to go to the Germans for this. While also we're on German, can you Google fucking in the kitchen in German? Because this is a viral tweet. And I was like, that can't be real.

It's like fukin and kukin. It's something absurd. It's all porn. If you put German and fucking, it's going to be all porn. Put translation in there. You're going to stumble upon a blow bang real quick he's gonna say click that top result first though wait what do you mean

like that's like that's how you say oh yeah can you play it can we hear it or no ficken in der kuchen ficken in der kuchen it was like a bunch of tweets like German is an unserious language

it sounds like that so I was ficken in the kitchen I need a word this is a very modern problem but when you just like look at your phone and you see someone's text and you just don't reply to it, I need a word for that. Not when you're like, fuck that person.

I'm not replying to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm mad at you. It's like when you look at it and they ask you a question or something and you think about it. You might even text someone else and be like, yo, John's asking what time we're leaving whatever i process it and then i'm just like nope no and i just don't do it and then i remember it like 10 hours later or you know you say to me like hey you never hit me back and i'm like oh fuck i'm sorry and the real answer the word needs to be i saw your text i thought about it i acknowledged it i didn't do anything and then i didn't bring it up to you because i

feel like an asshole I need one word for that right because there's like when because when people say like oh I didn't see your text they're fucking lying

yeah yeah yeah that's not an excuse anymore that was an excuse in like 1998 where you could like miss text or they didn't go I didn't get it or something like that

now every text gets through and everybody sees text and sometimes you just go eh I'll do that later and you just never do it and I just go yeah i'll do that later and you just never do it and i just want to say hey man that was a fukin in the kitchen and they just go and they go oh cool i've fuked in the kitchen before too you know i did that recently because um

i did that recently yesterday because i went to text dana um and he had texted me last week that's that's usually when you find it is you go to text someone about something new, and you're like, ah, I missed the last thing. And I went, oh my god, I missed this. Which I remember, I read it, and I just like, I didn't. It was insane. It's actually funny. Everyone just sends me these things now,

but it's just something about how corporate we are. Do you know we had a posture class recently? A what? Posture class. Posture class? Yeah, you guys missed that one last week. For like on talent, talent or for like people sitting at their desk? I think it says the guest list is too big to display.

In this health talk session, attendees will understand how to improve posture and strengthen and restore muscles. Open for all employees to attend will be held in conference room one. How many people attended that? I don't know. You know what I would say we should do? Is fire everyone who attended that. Like one of those it's like

entrapment, you know? It's like, come here for the posture and you're fired. When I went to text Dana, we'll revert back to DVR real quick, was you saw Dana's tweet yesterday. He just re-watched Breaking Bad. Did he say something colossally stupid about it?

He said, my crazier is Walter White Bad. You know, this guy has some bad tendencies. I think he's actually not a hero. Just text him that picture. Breaking good. That's great. The name is breaking. I get the confusion with the anti-hero.

I was rooting for him all the movie. But that's such a thing. It's like, oh man, I almost feel like Walter White's the opposite of a hero.

It's like an anti-hero or something, man. Hang on a second. Is this drug deal and murder or bad guy? He has his fucking brother-in-law murdered.

Kidnapps the kid and shit. He's a manic villain. That's fucking hilarious. I remember this show differently. I thought Skylar was bad. She was really naggy. She was such a bitch. Skylar was the biggest bitch.

John, the best part was your clearly over-the-top response. People are taking literally and replying to you because you had to think about Vader. And everyone's being like, is Darth Vader actually a bad guy? It's like I had the same issue. People are replying to you like he killed a bunch of kids. It's like, you guys are, this is going right over your head. Star Wars fans are the dumbest fucking people on the planet Earth. I've been telling people that Pirate Water is for the kids. Oh, yeah. You guys are... Star Wars fans are the dumbest fucking people on the planet Earth.

I've been telling people that pirate water is for the kids, and this weekend that was taken very literally as I got some feedback from a fan who said that they were drinking it at a baby shower. So I've been telling people, you know, this is for when you want to rage. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is a sipping drink as well when you're sitting there. I told you.

I got a buddy who has two cans a night. Just like as his post work. One in the shower. That's crazy. Married with two kids. One in the shower, comes out, pours one over ice at night.

Hilarious. I have been hearing over ice. Yeah. A lot of, like even more, even more so than like if the can's already cold,

pour your pirate water over ice and it just makes the whole thing a whole different experience. He's like, I love it. I watch the NHL finals. Drink it with your kids. I have pirate water over ice, and it just makes the whole thing a whole different experience. He's like, I love it. I watch the NHL finals. Drink it with your kids.

I have pirate water. Drink it when kids are being born. It's for everybody. In all occasions, pirate water is the drink of the summer. Everyone from whether you are Bree and her friends raging all the way up to the dads who are sipping it as their after work drink. Pirate water is here for summer 2023. They come in 16 ounce cans, ready to drink.

It's 10% alcohol. So it's pretty much all you need for a good time. And it comes in four flavors, margarita, sex on the beach, Bahama Mama, and Miami Vice. And you're not going to have a complete summer if you don't get to try it. So go to drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you.

Or you can order it off of GoPuff. Whether you're having a party, an event, whether you want to just drink it every day, get pegged this summer with Pirate Water. Go to drinkpiratewater.com. Pirate Water is also going to be at Governor's Ball along with Pavs and Jackie and anybody who's partying for that festival. So you're going to be seeing it all summer long at the festivals. You can see it

this weekend in New York at Governor's Ball. We'll be passing out Pirate Water. We're going to have merch. We're going to be drinking. We're going to be having a good time. So if you're at Governor's Ball, find Jackie, Pavs, and drink that Pirate Water. What's our turnt level going to be? How turnt? All the way up. All the way up.

A turnt scale goes from zero to all the way up? Yeah. I would say I would be on the like, it'd be half the way up. That's what you're talking about? Half the way up. That's where I can get turnt to these days. Half the way up.

All right, we'll get into our voicemails in a moment, but first, one minute, man, KFC Radio style. We'll rattle through these topics here. First, we'll start with some Barstool news. Also, if you want some more inside Barstool stuff, go listen to our episode with Eddie that's out this week. It dropped yesterday. If you want some more clarity on what's going on in the Chicago situation,

if you're a fan of those guys, Eddie goes a little more in-depth with it. I've been getting a lot of good reviews of people who are interested in the inner workings of Barstool and that drama over there. So go listen to Eddie. Also, the return. Rising like a phoenix from Arizona, Mincy is back as the first ever employee of the Brick Watch Company. He's no longer, he's not working for Penn. He's not working at Barstool Sports. He is, however, a salesman

for Brick Watches. Feidelberg has his right there on the spot. I've got mine right here. I'm doing it today. Because of Mincy. Mincy clearly was not meaning to get his size because he did his intro video with his watch hanging like this. He also texted Dave, where are you selling the watches?

Are they in the barstool store? And Dave had to send the brick watch salesman a link to brickwatchcompany.com. I mean, everything about this. I was – I landed coming home from Amsterdam. I landed and I saw – oh, no, no. I was on the plane when it first happened. Yeah, because I sent you the screenshot of the video being like this fucking guy. And John was like, I don't have Wi-Fi on the plane, so I can't watch the video.

No, I had it. Videos don't work for me on Wi-Fi on planes. Well, yeah, yeah. So I had it. I just couldn't get it. You just had like minimal Wi-Fi on the plane, so I can't watch the video. No, I had it. Videos don't work for me on Wi-Fi on planes. Well, yeah, yeah. So I had it. I just couldn't get it. You just have minimal Wi-Fi on it. And then I get in the car. I'm driving home.

I was in shotgun, and I'm driving. My brother's in the back seat. And Dave posts the full video. And I was like, Benny, go in the back. Get my bag. Get my headphones. Get them up here because I got to watch this right away. And it was – I mean like – I mean it is – Nobody has been better ever. Get my bag, get my headphones, get them up here because I've got to watch this right away.

And it was – I mean like – I mean it is – Nobody has been better ever. No. It is – it's so goddamn – The unintentional comedy. The fucking – It's impossible to capture this. Him calling Dave back was – Dave gives a little smirk when Dave...

I had two screenshots during it. One when Mintzy was talking about how they'll bring the watches to the South, and Dave just has his little Dave smirk where he's like... Reminds me of when Frank asked for $100,000 at Big Bane. Dave just went... And then when he's like,

Mintzy called Dave back. He has no idea Dave can hear any of this. It was like, I mean, it's every video he has. He's hitting, he's batting a thousand. In regards to this situation, not every video he ever does is great. But there, you know, there's some classics. Well, the bobblehead courtside is his best work ever. He doesn't know how good he is, but Dave does.

There's a few times throughout history when I really tip my cap to Dave the blogger. Because usually in the early days it was like, I think I'm just as funny as anybody on the internet. And you're just writing blogs. And making your own videos, making your own content. When Dave, I remember, it's almost like poetic for me as a blogger when he got kicked out of the Super Bowl and was just alone at the hotel bar

not even though it was like a he was watching the end of the Super Bowl from like a holiday inn in the lobby all by himself and he just let everyone continue thinking that he was like arrested and in jail but some stoolie like was like dave portland was here like

watching the game so like that picture kind of circulated and i saw that and i was like this man he just painted his masterpiece like letting the whole world think he was still uh arrested or in jail while watching the end of this patriotots Super Bowl all by himself in a fucking lobby of a shitty hotel and I was like brilliant like amazing this move this is a great fucking move the brick watch company salesman move is a tip of the cap moment that is what a loophole what a fucking loophole you know Dave was just like there's a reason why dave doesn't fire anybody he doesn't want it on his conscience he doesn't like it he doesn't want to think about it and it was just going to eat at him forever that he had to fire mincy he was talking to pen there

was no way they could do it he's like i got this i got this uh i don't i don't even know what it entails like is he actually paying him is it a real job is it like yeah i mean obviously it's not a real it's his same contract right that's what i mean like it's so he's getting the same money and doing the same stuff it's just under the brick what it's brilliant it's an all-time move all around it's it's one of those things where people are like barstool scripted and if i get why you would say it on this one it's not and it's real and it's fucking spectacular they also have hired their second employee and it's real, and it's fucking spectacular. They also have hired their second employee, and it's his producer that lives with them. Of course. Of course.

Along with Nicky Smokes, who is our new co-worker. More inside barstool. Because the Heat beat the Celtics in Game 7, just absolutely stomped on their dicks. This guy from Miami, who is a caricature of a miami heat fan the fucking spiky hair the gold chain the fucking you know i'm sure he's got a a tattoo of like the heat logo uh he got a job for a hundred thousand dollars for for a year that can't that's not real that i that's not a real number.

That can't be a real number. Would you be surprised? I actually would be, yes. You would be? I would be surprised. I saw that video too where they were saying on the Yak. I think that has to be a Yak made up number. I mean, that was the original bet. I thought the bet was he got a job.

No, the bet was like Dave. I think Dave tweeted $100,000 job. Has he made a video. No, the bet was – like Dave – I think Dave tweeted $100,000 job. Has he made a video about the Heat since? I guess I don't follow him. I would imagine that there are some people around here unhappy about that. I mean I was thinking to myself if I – I know some people who asked for a raise or a promotion and didn't get it and were told they couldn't. And then you just find $100,000 for this guy?

I mean, I would guess that Dave's paying it then. If it's $100,000, that's crazy. Am I wrong? I think that was... That's the number that they've been saying, yeah. Because that was the part that rubbed me the wrong way, too. I was like, I don't care if we do this silly shit. I actually like this. This is what makes Barstool,

as much as we've just become like a media company the fact that you can get hired on a whim because you bet the owner of the company yeah is still all right barstool still awesome give him a hundred thousand dollars when there are other people who are like not getting money is like that's crazy but that that was the bet i i would i would guess there's some unhappy people who are rightfully unhappy. Yeah. If Dave said to him, like, listen, bro, we can do this, but we got to – come on. You started the starting salary.

Yeah. Then so be it. But if you're going by the original terms, I think he was like $100,000 starting salary, which I don't know if you saw the rundown, but the rundown after this, Dave was like, we were wrapping up. We were like, all right, that's the rundown. He was like,

oh, wait, wait, wait. We got to talk about this bet. I don't know if it's you or you, but this is going to be one of your problems. I'm not doing this. Very clearly. Motherfucker lives in Miami. 100K. he said it yeah i mean if that's the contract that i mean if that's a tweet that's that's you got that is the bet you know you're not gonna well if you're gonna welch on

on like the whole thing then you wouldn't give him the job in the first place so you know i talked to to someone who i think would be mad about it, and he was just like, you know, kind of what I said. Like, almost like, you know, I like that this place is still a circus, but goddamn, it gets tough sometimes. That sucks. That's one of those ones where it's like, this is almost opening Pandora's box where I'd be like, well, there was a random pile of $100,000 for this kid. Yeah. So, like, don't tell me that it's not available. Got money for the Ukraine.

This guy is our Ukraine. We got problems at home, but we can send money to Ukraine. Nicky Smokes got a job. We don't even have bloggers anymore, but Nicky Smokes gets $100,000. That is it. Nicky Ukraine. That's his new nickname. That is fucking hilarious.

I mean, the heat snag in a game was huge for him because after that first game, Jokic had a triple-double on five shots. Really? He, like, didn't. He had, like, it was, like, 15-15 15 and 15 and he was like five for six the the nuggets were up by like 20 points in the fourth quarter he had taken like five or six shots i was like oh this is this is gonna be quick work like yogich isn't even playing and they're winning but they they grab game one game two so i think you know having stealing one in in Denver does change things. I still think it'll be the Nuggets.

But knowing Barstool's history, it'll be like the Nuggets in seven with Jimmy Butler scoring like 100 points to win the game. And Nicky Smokes gets a raise somehow. Dave will keep doubling down on this bet. $500,000 salary. A million-000 salary. A million dollar salary. So yeah, to all the Heat fans out there, you could rally around your boy. It's not somebody saying like, I don't really follow the Heat, but I'm just like, I'm pumped to see someone from Dolphins Twitter make it. I'm just like, Dolphins Twitter.

There's just a corner of the internet for everything. There's just a bunch of Dolphins fans out there being like, go Nick! Yes! He made it, dude! We're for our boy! Also, something that is I think almost inside Barstool at this point is, it's not, but I think it's become a Barstool thing in my mind, is the

what, the National Darts Championship? Yeah. United Darts. World Series. World Series of darts, that's right. I wish I was a younger man and still just doing dumb shit like this darts would have been a fucking time dude i would have loved it with my friends i had a ticket and i had a team impact dinner oh you were thinking about it and i was like you'll just catch the next one i did not end up attending i stuck around got belittled by a patriot player and boy do i regret it dude i mean the the scene looked awesome it looks it looks it's to me it's like um it's it's

shopping day but better yeah it's darts day because everyone still is getting their fits off and stuff but then there's this darts thing as the focal point but just i haven't even seen video but there's still photos of just people like fucking raging darts darts darts shirts liam with his newport cigarette shirt that was awesome uh jackie was there jackie was there Jackie was there for darts Was Jackie the first ever female at darts day? No Last year somebody told me They want a female You said that so confidently

I don't know if it's You said that there's been a ton of girls I don't think no Last year I don't think there were no females And then this year They let us come I don't think that there was there were no females there and then this year they like they let us come but like I felt I felt like bad being there because

and I was saying it was like the most racist shit I've ever been a part of it was all white guys just like like nothing racist was going on for the white men our existence isn't racist you're yelling the word no but you didn't have to.

You just are in this building. You're like, this feels wrong. Every single... And then I just felt bad for being a girl being there. I was like, sorry to kill the broker. That is such a great trait to have. To know when you're killing the vibe. I mean, but I was still there. I bet you weren't.

You're fine. You bring the vibes yourself. You're almost, you enhance the vibes. No, but this was next level guy shit. But it was really beautiful to see. You men are really something. Because it was like nobody knew what was going on nobody knew the rules but people were just throwing like every single time like somebody

would throw darts they would just be like oh like it was like this rocket and then like like what like no again nobody knew the point system but like every time it just didn't go where it looked like it should have gone. Everyone was just all in unison like, fuck you. Get it together. It was really, really great. That is right up there with who's got smaller for me. Guys in that element. When guys agree to something that they inherently – there's a little bit of

competition there's something cool about it but we all get we all know that nobody really cares about darts but let's make it a thing and then it becomes a thing then you actually do start to take like care about it that is what being a dude is all about we can make anything into a thing and then it starts as a joke and then it it becomes real. And then next thing you know, like three, four, five years in, we're going to be like interviewing dart throwers and shit. We showed up with over 150 people. Like we were a large percentage of the people at darts. We took over a whole bar, like a three.

It was 150 people from Barstool at darts? Yeah. I thought it was like 10 of you. No, there was 150. Greer bought all the tickets himself. I'm pretty sure. It was $70. Do we have equity in the United States?

I was saying we fucking should. We didn't put one t-shirt on sale either. That was lame. The darts, darts, darts shirt is awesome. You had to get in contact with somebody, a ticket master, that was a, that was the darts, darts, darts shirts. Awesome. Yeah. I had to like get in contact with somebody, a ticket master, like a promoter. I'm sure to get like a block, all these tickets. Yeah. And then the guy just ghosted him after career. I

believe he spent like $8,000. You think that this is like our guy. This is a face of darts for the rest of like, this has got to be the most interest anybody in the world has taken in darts or anybody in America. At least I don't know, like, you know, maybe in the UK it's a big deal, Or anybody in America, at least. I don't know. Maybe in the UK it's a big deal.

But you would think that this would be... We'd have the commissioner on the phone with Barstool being like, What do you guys want? Like NASCAR rolls out the red carpet because we show interest. Fucking darts is ghosting us? That's wild. People have traveled from China and New Zealand. Yeah.

The world series of darts. What is the prize? What's the purse? I still don't know who won. I couldn't tell you what the purse is. I guess it's a pretty penny. You think it's a million dollars? Yes.

I was comparing it to poker in my mind, but I could also see this being like 75,000. Yeah, but that's for the Premier League. Oh. MVG ended up winning. I knew that he was going to win. So $20,000. $20,000.

$20,000. Oh, excuse me. So that's at least $24,000. So we paid almost a purse. This is how much you guys have poisoned my brain with darts. I thought that man was going to walk it was a million we paid almost a purse this is how this is how much you guys have poisoned my brain with darts

I thought that man was going to walk away with a million dollars Greer probably spent more on tickets than he won that is hilarious that's

that's shockingly low that is embarrassingly low I thought it was one of those things that like I know they have the viral videos occasionally. That kind of poisons my brain. The viral videos make more money with a YouTube pre-roll than the fucking purse.

Darts Day vibes. How did this begin? This feels like a Quigs and Greer thing. It's a Greer, I believe. I think as well. I want to say last year, they were they were all just hanging out, like, and just dudes showing up. And then somebody was like, you know, it's darts tonight.

And then it just became a fucking thing. That was how many, how long ago? Last year. It was only. No. No. Darts days? Just last year.

Oh, I thought it was at least three or four. Yeah. It spiraled from like 20 guys. That's hilarious. Or no, last year was 50. And Greer had bought all the tickets on his own phone, so he had to stand there at the gate and swipe in 55 tickets.

I think there's like three, because I think I didn't go to the first one, and I wanted to go to the last one. I know it was because I went to, I tried to get tickets, I couldn't get tickets the day of. I didn't even know about it. I saw them tweeting about it that morning.

I texted Greer, I was like, yo, what's this all about? He's like, come, try to get tickets. Just couldn't get tickets. I'm talking secondary market, I couldn't get tickets. I'm saw them tweeting about it that morning. I texted Greer. I was like, yo, what's this all about? He's like, come. I tried to get tickets. Just couldn't get tickets. I'm talking secondary market. I couldn't get tickets. Yeah, I remember you saying that. Yeah, yeah.

But then when I was on – How is that possible? When I was on Game Time, I saw that Bargatze was in town, so I just went to that that night instead. And it was a disappointment. Yeah. That's how good Darts Day is. It makes Nate Bargatze comedy like, oh, I wish I was at Darts Day. I think maybe I am confusing it then with shopping day these fucking idiots they're the best they are the best uh well i'll this feels like the world's years of baseball or what's it

called uh world baseball classic yeah uh like the next one you know like this one gained a lot of the next one's gonna be a fucking production don't even put tickets on sale yeah it's just it's just yeah like alan it was in the garden yeah yeah they'll be at the the arena by the time we're done with it uh so shout out to darts day one more thing for one minute man massive. Massive announcement in the UFO community that, again, nobody's caring about. There is an intelligence community whistleblower who has said that the intelligence community is illegally hiding from Congress that they have spacecraft that is non human origins they have intact spacecraft

I believe it and they're just like it's non human origin that other people in the intelligence community I guess anonymously there's one whistleblower we know of other people are corroborating the story they're saying that like the government is being like it's almost like the government is being like it's almost like

the government is being played you know usually it's the government doing this shit they're saying that you know that congress and the people who like should know are not being told about it and it just again doesn't seem like people care it is it's an ATI question

would you rather prove aliens or real or cancer or cure cancer take the cancer you thought you were gonna get It is. It's an ATI question. Would you rather prove aliens are real or cancer or cure cancer? Cure cancer, yeah. Take the cancer. Yeah, because we proved aliens. You thought you were going to get a hero's welcome and change the world, and no one cares. It must be so frustrating. Like, no, I'm telling you, aliens are real.

And everyone's like, yeah, no, we heard you. We get it. We pretended to care about this for the last 60, 70 years. We made movies about it. There's an entire made movies about it. There's an entire cottage industry about it. We made conspiracy theories and books and pop culture all about it. And then we got the answer, and we just went, oh. We were like, dude, do you know there are two eight seeds in the finals?

And they're both from Miami. That's crazy. The aliens, we fucking don't care. Whatever, dude. Yeah. I mean, this guy, he said something like everything ranging from, I think he said like from fragments to like intact spacecraft of non-human origin. That is crazy. It's crazy because because most rational people say like i believe in the

existence of aliens or i believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life but i think it's like microscopic i think it's uh you know small like organisms they're flying if you're saying that they there's something building a fucking ship which which I'll be honest, I have not read the whole article, so I don't know exactly what. Maybe non-human origin just means like, you know, maybe, I don't know, maybe there's some shit that they can build in the Ukraine with all the money we give them that we don't know about yet. So they're calling it non-human because they've never seen it before. Or is this like the only place that we see this material is in this other galaxy or some shit but if there's something out there building ships and the world still is just like it's crazy i've said it before i i think i'm like the the the shit that went on with ufos has changed the way i

think about everything it changed the way i think about work here's the way I think about everything. It changed the way I think about work. It changed the way I think about marketing and doing content because it's like people care about something until you give it to them and then they're like, yeah, never mind. Yeah.

Aliens is the biggest thing in the world when it was a mystery and now that it's not a mystery, everyone's just like, next topic. It's the horror movie. Yeah. Showing the monster. Oh, that was real? Never mind's real never mind who cares right right there are mice in your house

oh i don't know yeah whatever no big deal hop on something that's not alien related but it's just like why not yeah it's okay i've been going on like a uh tiktok dmt like whatever let's go whatever oh first of all i've decided i'm gonna do dmt yeah definitely what is dmt but i'm gonna be it's like i know it's like the thing the meme was rogan always it's like a hallucinogenic is it the thing you feel when you die or whatever yeah i think so and it changes you oh wait what's that it's like the euphoria you feel when you die is what you feel with you oh i didn't even know you felt euphoria when you die yeah i think it's like yeah of course you do yeah that's why we do it that's why we die

um but this guy he was saying like he goes through all his dmt trips and he was saying like um that so one time like one of his trips he was in there and he was like you have like he was basically like asking the dmt like people things because like there's like little like gremlins or whatever that he sees in there and he was like you guys like have to prove to me that this exists outside of my mind like this just can't just be in my mind so so basically in this trip he sees like this purple woman but he knows this purple woman and like he don't he doesn't know why he knows her but like they're like in a relationship and he's she was like i'm so happy to see you like all this and then he they leave, whatever, and he gets out of his DMT trip.

And then he gives DMT to his friend, and his friend is in it and is like, oh, they all know you here. And he was like, they're all saying that you always visit. And there's this purple woman who is saying that she knows you. And it described the exact same thing. And then it was like, they both had the same vision of it being a Truman Show thing, where,

I don't even know if this makes sense. Are you on DMT right now? No, no, no, no. What the fuck are you talking about? I know. Everybody does, ayahuasca says that you see Mother Ayahuasca. Like a lot of people see the same woman when they do ayahuasca.

I just think it's weird when people say the same stuff. Yeah. So to clarify, he saw a purple woman in his DMT dream, came back to reality. His friends, he was at a bar with his friends? Where was he with his friends? No, he was just taking DMT like with his other friend, but he was sober. So in the real world, so they were taking DMT, he was at a bar with his friends? Where was he with his friends? No, he was just taking DMT, like, with his other friend. But he was sober. So in the real world, so they were taking DMT, he wasn't?

He wasn't. Okay. And they said, yo, they all know you here. And they're all talking about you. Anyways, okay, point is that that validated that, like, it's the same thing that they're all seeing. But then it was in the DMT trip they both saw that like this is all fake and it's like there's other beings out there who are like basically like

watching us. I don't know what this bitch is talking about. I think we should temper down the TikTok. Legit. You know me. I do this shit. I got the tinfoil here to make a video later. I'm all about this sort of wacky shit. I don't know what the fuck

you're talking about. This is what you were just talking about. They're saying we found aliens. And I'm saying DMT, we figured out that this isn't real. And nobody's listening to me. Guys, wake up. Nobody's listening to me. You're goddamn right no one's listening to you.

We should all do DMT together What? Can we all do DMT together? Yes That actually does sound like a good idea But we're not gonna be the same The only problem I don't know if ayahuasca is similar

When people are like Yeah, yeah Like it's awesome Like you gotta go through Like where you puke And you shit for like 24 hours I'm like I'm all set on that

I don't know if I'm gonna do for 24 hours. I'm like, I'm all set on that. I don't know if I'm going to do the violent body convulsions. I will do DMT, but you have to get it. I don't know where you even get it. Did we ever tell the story how you asked for the Mama Joanna? Jackie was still an intern. She replied, oh, yeah, I can find it for you, and came back with a list of where to get weed. Yeah, which is – that's downright.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, I'll just get drugs. She didn't ask questions. She didn't ask questions. That was great. Well, what's that for, Mama Joanna? I think it was the Bruins in the playoffs or something. Maybe, yeah.

Just like the tea or something. I'm batting pretty low with getting drugs. I'm not great at getting drugs. All right. Voicemails. What do we got? Oh, by the way, one more thing while we're doing news. Aliens, good, all that.

Some important news now. Fall Out Boy is on the new Taylor Swift album. Oh, shit. The new re-recording of Speak Now, Fall Out Boy is on. That's huge. We all have that long, nagging home to-do list that we keep putting off. I got so many things on the to-do list right now

that I'm just not doing. I'm just living in a home that's just not fully unpacked. That's what you're going to do forever. Forever. I'm just going to do that forever. I don't think I'd be able to because I would do the same. I don't think I'd be able to because I would do the same. I don't think I'll ever be able to allow myself

to move into a home that's not done. This is it. I should have known that about myself. We'll fix this. We'll fix that. We'll change that. And then you get there and you go like, I'm not going to do it. That's such a thing. It already works.

That's the thing it's like it's functioning and we're done well anyway uh if it's full of annoying things that need to be fixed like a dripping dishwasher the hole in the drywall the dryer's not drying it's haunted i don't know any of the various things uh wouldn't it feel great to get that all done well now you can and it's easier than ever introducing front door the all-new one-stop home repair and maintenance app. I mean, I am absolutely going to be using this. I got a lot of stuff that Front Door is going to have to do for me. It also lets you video chat with experts.

That's also clutch, too, because there is one last shred of me that wants to be like a real man. Not even a real man, just like a functioning, capable human, where it's like something is wrong. Can you fix it for yourself? And I don't need you to come to the door and do it for me,

but maybe just tell me. Maybe just tell me. Put this wire there. Turn this knob or change this thing out. So they can teach you how to do it over the phone or diagnose the problem faster. Or if you just need to get it done, they'll send over a pro that's vetted and trusted, and they will come to your house and solve the problem faster or if you just need to get it done they'll send over a pro that's vetted and

trusted and they will come to your house and solve the problem with a front door membership it's easy to cross things off your home to-do list and enjoy the feeling of done download the app now and get a free video chat that's uh front door app you can download it now and get a free video chat chat click the link and get it done today what's's up, KFC fights Nick and Jackie. Did you know that Ben and Jerry's... That's why this bitch put this in there. She knew that was coming. And that is why Ben and Jerry's invented the ice cream

with all the brownie pieces and the cookie pieces so that he would have something enjoyable when he eats ice cream too rather than just having like a creamy nothingness in his mouth. So my question for you specifically as podcasters too is would you rather lose the ability to talk entirely and never have a voice again or before you can talk every single day you have to suck a dick to completion and swallow so that it coats your throat and that's how you get to talk let me know

god damn bro first of all shout out to Jackie that was she got Jackie got a wink I did ask for that what? I asked for them to

basically I was like I like it when they give me like a little wink yeah that's bullshit Jackie how nice is to be a woman I like it when people are nice to me

here you go just for the record I guess I haven't said it in 10 years but I also enjoy it when people are nice to me for real i i didn't know that all this time i could just ask hey internet stop being horrible to me will that work um now wait the first thing she said was ben and jerry's invented that stuff because who couldn't taste? I think one of the guys put... The founder, Ben Cohen,

actually doesn't really have the ability to taste, and that is why Ben and Jerry's invented the ice cream with all the brownie pieces and the cookie pieces so that he would have something enjoyable when he eats ice cream too. Okay, that's pretty interesting. I don't get it.

If you can't taste, you can't taste. But it just gives you a mouthfeel. Oh, so he could feel it, but he can't taste it. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like not a real thing. You know, if you couldn't taste, I wouldn't eat ice cream. I would eat healthy shit. Could I have a really thick water?

Yeah, yeah. The reason why I pound a pint of ice cream every night is because it tastes fucking awesome it has no sense of smell very little sense of taste so when he was developing early he loved the texture of big chunks okay dude i i get that that's so weird that is imagine if i was just, guys, I can't really taste, but I love chunks in my mouth. I just love chunks in my throat. That has led to me eating exponentially more ice cream. It's actually a very smart thing to do.

Putting the stuff in it? Yeah, because every time I'm like, oh, here's one. And then I bite that, and that excavates another one. I actually used to say, before I discovered caramel cone with the cone bits, ice cream is just too much of the same thing. It's like, what, am I going to have another bite? Another bite of the same shit?

And it's like, no, no, no. Sometimes you get a little bit. Sometimes you get that. It turned ice cream eaters into archaeologists. I was like, look at that. I can't go to bed just yet. There's another discovery right here. You fat fuck.

Saying that your ice cream eating is, is like archaeological discovery is fat, dude. When you're going down, you get like a big – like it makes a noise when you hit the – Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, okay. You have to get the elbow into it. So you – Oh, we struck. Oh. You said you microwave ice cream, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So I've almost done that. I've gone overboard with that. And so it gets melty, so all of the chunks kind of, like, go to the bottom. And at the very end is, like, a scoop of all the chunks with a little bit of, like, melted ice cream left. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God.

Anyway, suck a dick or not be able to talk. We got to suck a dick. We got to suck a dick, man. Darn it. gotta suck a dick man darn it this is our this is our one way where we finally yeah i guess i'll try it i gotta keep my job right that's something i've thought about before like back when i used to chew i like it didn't really play a factor in me stopping but i'm happy i stopped because like i wouldn't get a ton of anxiety but there would be like a little tinge. What if one day you lose your mouth?

I lose my jaw. Well, that might work. I don't have a job anymore. It's like a doctor losing his hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why this is here, but I feel like I should just hold this up whenever you guys say it.

Show it to the camera. Gay. Just gay. Gay. The Jackie Gay card. That'll play. Whenever we do something. And you don't say anything.

You just go. Like the guys at the golf hole. Gay. Next up. Anyway, yeah, I'd suck a dick. To completion and swallow it. I do think I'd suck a dick Yeah To completion And swallowing Yes I

Bro I think I do think I would have a Extremely difficult time swallowing Like Like I think

I No I guess that's actually pretty straight I think I would have I think it's insane That there are girls who spit That will like hold it in their mouth. I mean, I guess if you just like right away. But at least the movie trope.

It's never happened to me. But the movie trope of a girl getting up and running to the sink. You'd rather just hold cum in your mouth for longer than just fucking get rid of that shit. It's like doing a shot. Just take it down. I'd become a sword swallower just so I could fucking. You better give me a tap, bro. Because this thing's starting here.

You're just saying because you're gagging. Yeah, every episode. Every morning I would start doing an episode of Lowering the Bar. Yeah. It'd be so funny to see when your buddy shows up that day and you're just like, are you going to say something? Are you going to say something?

You sucked a dick this morning. Next up. Casey Radio Crew, Jake here. I'm 23. I'm a Bostonian living in Chicago. Just had a dunk on my first real relationship right before the summer started. I know you haven't done it in a little while,

but I figured it'd be a good time for a top five. Best ways to have a hot boy summer, you know, going to be a lot of golf, a lot of beer, a lot of ball games. So favorite ways to have a hot boy summer. Well done, Jackie. Well done. By the way, Jackie, since you're being funny,

where's your fucking videos I'm sorry I can't I'm not I'm gonna I'm gonna not I'm sorry I can't I've been trying to do

This whole Tetris thing I'm sorry I can't I've been trying to do This whole Tetris thing And it's not going viral At all But I'm gonna Not every video goes viral

Yeah I know You guys gotta keep trying She also had the cottage cheese one That got a total of 60 views it blew up it really blew up you had a video where you did with 60 views no we didn't get 60 views now it has like 200 something views you have over 10 000 followers like it's like an instagram video they got 60 views 200 views it's only on tiktok right oh oh that oh i i get like fucking 200 views all the time yeah yeah it wasn't and i get impossibly low views on tikt the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't in... I get impossibly low views on TikTok.

No, it's right there. I'm going to keep... I'm going to... It wasn't the best execution of it, but like I'm going to keep... What is it about? Just let it run. Gotcha. Gotcha.

I think that's good. That's good. Yeah. Thank you. I think that's fucking great. Thank you. Thank you. Because those are all... Those are four things that I'm like's good. That's good. Yeah. Thank you. I think that's fucking great. Wait, thank you. Thank you. Because those are all,

those are four things that I'm like, yeah. No, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Like that, because I can't, I can't like talk. No, stop, stop, stop, stop. Because I can't think and play Tetris. Oh, you're terrible at Tetris, huh? Okay, can you stop? No, I'm good.

I'm going to post one today, but it's not anything electric. Oh, good. That's how to get the people going. I'm going to post a video today. Not going to be good. Everyone get over to Jackie's TikTok. It's not electric. No, I didn't know you're posting them on TikTok.

Okay. That's fair. Yeah. That's where she should be doing it. You should be trying to grow your TikTok. Her Around the Office videos did well. Yeah, those were good. Frank the Tank thinking you're in sales.

Alright, interview time. Let's get into it. We got Troy Bond on the show. Like I said, he comes out of a fucking cannon. So buckle up. Get ready. Troy Bond on KC Radio. Let's talk to him. What's up?

What's up, man? I never went to college. It's a close fit event to a block party. Thanks so much for having me. Hell yeah. This looks like the room I got molested in. With Goldeneye. That's what was on in the background.

I just kept looking at the squares. It was great. Two things died that day. My character and my innocence. This is great. This is so cozy. I do my podcast in like a rented office. Yeah.

We went through those days too. I love this. We went through those days. It was nice to finally get like a home base. This is so cool. It's so cool. It's also one of those things, on camera it looks nice and then on the other side it's

shit everywhere. Like you said, it's a frat basement. I'm a 40-year-old man. Maybe it shouldn't be a frat basement for me. I'm just going to be covering my drink like this the whole time. I'm not sure. I'm Troy, by the way. Hi, I came in hot. Nice to meet you. I love it. Never went to college, huh? You were just doing comedy? Never. I'm Troy, by the way. Hi, I came in hot. Nice to meet you. I love it.

Sorry. Never went to college, huh? You're just doing comedy? Never. I started doing comedy, yeah, when I was 17. Now, when you say that, though, you were in high school. Yeah. But you're like, you know, open mics, like trying to make money doing it.

I'm from Connecticut. I hate you already. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I moved out i started doing mics when i was 17 i would leave school on like friday afternoon i had a very high 1.0 gpa so it did not matter at that point the guy who's like in charge of telling me i have to go to college sat me down in his office and was like let's invite colleges and for everybody sometimes i wish i didn't go because i got a hundred thousand dollars in student debt and my wife hates me and anyway don't worry about this whole school bullshit so i was like all right i'm

just gone yeah wrong right before my senior year i went to uh taping of fallon and i just screamed at him to pick me in the audience when they're doing this interview segment and then i went home saw myself on tv and i was like yeah i could do this i just started going to mike's what was the jimmy palestine it's called freestyling with the roots okay and they had um yeah it was like right when the royal baby was born and the game was like they would ask the audience he would ask like individual audience members questions and the roots would make a song based on it and he was like the royal baby was just born what would you name the baby and i was like prince lucifer and the roots like freaked out they made a song i went home so i made it back home in time to watch

it live and i was like holy shit i'm on tv yeah i could do this like for real and then like after that it was horrible i was on backstage and like there was i would do anything i could to get on nbc there was like a today show thing i was on the today show there was I would do anything I could to get on NBC there was like a today show thing I was on the today show like six times like for world record break like when they did a thing like the world's largest exercise ball class I went to the plaza at like six in the morning on an exercise ball I had to pee so bad and they wouldn't let anybody pee and like I just saw the back of Carson Daly's head all day and the back of Al Roker's head right when he had one of his surgeries. So his head was talking, the back of it, the same time he was.

It was so weird. And I did this thing where they shaved your head for cancer. Like, give you cancer. The money went to cancer. Did that, all that. And I was just doing Mike, sleeping on the train. And then I graduated. Not supposed to graduate.

I got caught cheating on my final exam, and they were like, you got to do summer school. And I was like, that's not happening. And I paid some guy online, because it was online summer school. I'm a double cheat. Paid him to do it. I double cheat. I was like, I haven't learned a thing. And then I got him to do the online summer school.

I got a job at the Empire State Building. I dressed up like King Kong for five years and took pictures with the tourists at the Empire State Building. It was my real job, full time. Was that an Empire State? You were an Empire State Building employee? Empire State Building employee. Independent contractor. Had a blue badge, which meant I was technically a supervisor.

I was a two-man team. Me and another guy. What years were you there? 2014 to 2019. I quit right before COVID started because I was like, this feels like a good time to start doing comedy. Dude, I was there. I don't remember seeing.

You were on the street. We did not work very hard. We were supposed to go out once an hour for 30 minutes. And I stole so much time from that company. We would go out like once in every other hour for 10 minutes go back in the room and be like this is cutting into our Avengers time I was downloading movies on pirate pay

and watching them with my partner we were hammered all the time I don't think my father used to run the Empire State Building but I don't think it was those years but I'm sure he probably had to deal with the entertainers I'm sure my dad was coming deal with the entertainers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who ran it.

I'm sure my dad was coming home. It's fucking kids drunk at work. There was these two guys who did it for a long time. One of them left. The other one was kind of a psycho. He flipped out on me my third week there. He threw the gorilla feet. We went back in the room, and he was throwing pieces of the costume at me one at a time.

And guests were complaining. And they were like, we think there's domestic violence going on in the room and he was like throwing pieces of the costume at me one at a time and like guests were complaining and they were like we think there's domestic violence going on in the king kong room and then then the crazy thing is after that we didn't we shared a tiny little office together where we changed and we spent eight nine hours a day with each other after he threw all that shit at me he didn't speak to me for four months. Did not say a single word to me. The absolute most hostile word. Oh, my God. It's so serious for monkey business. It was insane.

And then they fired him, and I got a job. And then they hired this other guy to come work with me. And we became best friends. And then he stopped talking to me like two years ago. And now he's blowing up on TikTok. And I'm going to get my hair cut because his hair is long and he looks like a little girl and fuck him

I'm Troy by the way I'm not even on Adderall anymore this is just me I just got back from Tampa and I'm on edge I had an extra large coffee and I was just talking to Caroline for 20 minutes I'm on edge I don't even know if we're recording

this is just me at home. I feel like Kramer right now. What's going on, buddy? So what's the name of this show? What's up? I'm ready. Sorry. I love it.

I fucking love it, man. Thanks for having me. This is kind of what I expected. What jumped out at me is I've seen, I think, a good amount now of you just absolutely just screaming at hecklers like not even like the typical like he eviscerates the heckler just you being like shut the fuck up i fucking hate you it's funny because like i i was talking to somebody uh and and they were like i watch your videos and like you're not defensive you're just mad and i'm like i'm not even mad i'm just like

stop talking there's one person who has a microphone which happens all the time like there's especially people don't realize and when they go to live shows if you're doing a good job it's an intimate experience and people just feel like they can just sort of reach across because it's not like tv um and the thing that you don't see is like the five minutes of me being witty with them trying to stop it. Sure. And this is me when I finally pull up. Yeah, then Hulk just loses it. Yeah, yeah.

Then it's – You know, that's called rage. I get it. Yeah. No, I have it. I tell people all the time – Long fuse, but then when it goes – It's gone.

Watch the fuck out. It's gone, yeah. And those people will come back to me after the show and be like, hey, man, so sorry. I had a good time, though. I'm like, get the fuck away from me. I will catch a charge right now. His body will drop. That wasn't a bit, dude.

It wasn't a bit. I really said I will kill your grandmother if you say another word. Tell me where she is right now, and I will make COVID look like a joke. I saw somebody. I don't remember her name. She's on Instagram. It was Glitter Cheese, I think. She's a very funny chick.

Yeah. And the hackler wouldn't shut up. And she was like, what's your fucking deal? And she goes, I'm just shit-faced and I love you. You're the best. And she was like, carry on. That happens, too. Yeah.

She can stay. Keep talking. Whatever. Yeah. I mean, it's different because I'm doing a lot of headlining stuff on the road now. And it's different when people pay to see you. Yeah. Although it could be chaotic, too.

Like, I just got back from Phoenix, and I couldn't even get through material. Like, they just wanted crowd work, and I gave it to them for an hour and a half. Give the people what they want, bro. Give them what they want. I mean, we do live podcasts, which is entirely different. Those got to be insane for you, right? Yeah, I mean, we've learned a couple places where we can really move tickets. Boston and New York, we've tried to do second shows.

Yeah. And by the time our crowd is, if it's 10 o'clock on a Thursday or Friday night, our crowd is hammered. And we don't even have material to get through. But I remember one of the first times we did. DUIs in Boston go up 15% when you guys come down. Between the hours of 10 and 1, kids are getting hit left and right. It's insane.

They're pretty high already. Because they're coming to pick up their parents. I don't even know. It's kind of just steady all the time. But I remember the first New York show at Caroline's. We did a 10 o'clock show. And I remember looking at you guys being like, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

They were louder than the microphone. were loving it screaming we're just substitute teachers at that point yeah what do you guys want to do yeah yeah let's just roll out a tv and watch a movie uh let's watch some clips you've seen of me on instagram maybe it'll calm you down do you realize that you are the most trusted name in news honestly it is i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign. I mean, I think about it all the time. Like, there's so much shit I wouldn't know about if it weren't for you. Thank you, man. When I don't have cable, because sometimes things ain't going too well.

And I'm like, thank God I have KF Clancy. The F is for all facts, no printer. You got it. I know so much because of you. I used to be like, this is a bad sign that people are getting news from me because I don't really do any research or anything. There's been a couple that I've been totally wrong on. There was one about – Not unlike CNN or Fox or MSNBC.

I was kind of like, oh, I'm officially a real newsman. You just need a gambling problem and a $32 million lawsuit. It's the Bill O'Reilly book, How Bad I Am at Sex. There was one I did. It was a little bit off beat because usually it's just like celebrity bullshit. But it was when El Chapo's son was getting arrested and the cartels just weren't having it. And they were like wreaking havoc in mexico city and if you looked at like cnn and the news they were like they're shooting down planes they're firing at buildings it's pure chaos in the streets and so i was like

oh word like this is crazy so i i'm doing you know i'm i'm putting out my own theories about how to handle the mexican cartel and shit and then people in the comments were like i'm from mexico city like there was like a couple like gunshots but that was really it you know and i but and part of me was like oh wow like here i am like you know really spreading misinformation right but then i was kind of like you guys are downplaying this a little bit they were like you know there was a there was a couple incidents at the yeah they did fire it in an airplane or two but like no big deal i was like if people were at jfk just spraying it would still be kind of a big deal but that's when i i was like i vow were at jfk just spraying it would still be kind of a big

deal but that's when i i was like i vowed to just get back to like tiktok stories because i'm not i'm not qualified to talk about you know the mexican government and the cartels anybody while we're talking about misinformation uh you want to know something that i learned recently and and didn't research and it might not be true at all oh no hell yeah this is a crazy fact is this something we talk about a lot do you know no no no okay do you know how many uh gun stores sure gun stores there are in mexico i can't even begin to guess guess is it low or high i'm not guessing a lot of those people are making me think it's low now yeah i would think there'd be a hundred thousand gun stores i'm gonna say low because i when i think cartel i don't think that they're buying

their guns legally yeah they're like hey we'll wait three days it's a walmart and it's run by the army by the army you can't they get all their guns from us yeah that sounds about right. R.I.P. Ronald Reagan. Set a trend. It's just called Contra. Let's give David Webb an R.I.P. too. Yeah, David Webb. R.I.P. David Webb and hopefully soon Oliver North. R.I.P. You walk in, the whole store's just got a yellow film to it.

And it just says, the bottom of the receipt says directed by Vince Gilligan. What the fuck? Is that Giancarlo Bozzito in there? He just sold me an AR-15. That's Moff Kitty. Can someone Google how many gun stores there are? Are they called gun stores? So Wikipedia says two, LA Times says one.

Okay, but the fact, you know, whatever. It really doesn't matter until we get a Kevin Clancy story. Tell us how many it has. It's going to be one and a half. Split the difference. It's just an army one and a half. Split the difference. It's just an army surplus store run by a guy with one arm. It's funny doing that. How did you find out that there was one gun store in Mexico?

I saw a tweet. That's how you find out anything. That's my way of saying I read an article. It's really just like, no, I saw a tweet. I read an article used to mean I read a headline. And now I read a headline means i read a tweet yeah and then if you say you saw a tweet that means someone just replied to you yeah yeah i saw someone say the other day yeah yeah it was john five four three three three i like don't have a problem

telling people i learned something on tiktok anymore i used to lie so much. I'd be like, I read this in a book written by BBL Lover 234. But now I'm just like, yeah, I saw this on TikTok. Did you know that this little pocket for in jeans is for watches? I don't care. Again, I don't know. Hi, misinformation. I'm Mr. Information.

I think so. Probably not. What else could it be for? It's cocaine. Drugs drugs I just yeah I just finished The Wire and that's where they were stored

that TikTok taught me it's that last pocket you checked before TSA right one more or that's the one you put in there they're not gonna

like it in there I started watching my stuff go through TSA after I get through the metal detector now and it's I don't know why

I'm so scared I know what it's in there but I'm like I watch there's something about seeing your own stuff go through a heat signature that's so weird. Have you ever watched it? There's always a moment of panic. Yeah.

And then, like, everybody else's seem to just go through, but mine, like, stop for a second. I'm like, this is it? This is it? Yeah. I'm like, what's going on? I'm just, it's, I have a friend who, he just found out that not everybody gets checked for bomb residue he's he's muslim and he's like you don't have to go through that and i'm like what the fuck you

talking about dude like a flight from boston new york i gotta get my fingertips swapped what is going on man like i don't worry about that at all when they do that i always want to be like you know if i brought a bomb i would have washed my hands i know about this step I just turned into Tony Soprano I'm like can you tell which hand I was jacking off with earlier too which hand smells like fucking cocoa butter I just I didn't fly for the first time until 24 I'm 27

first time I flew was to Alaska I did my first college gig at University Anchorage really in Alaska you were literally going to the ends of the earth to get this shit off. My college agent was like, I got this gig for you out there in Anchorage. You want to go? And I'm like, yeah, why not?

And I didn't know anything about flying. I got to LaGuardia, and I took two Xanax right before TSA check-in. And then I had two hours before the flight. So I'm like Leo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street. I'm like, it's going. We're going. You do got to time it, right? Because we're going you do gotta time it right yeah you want to have it but you can't did not time it right because they had to do an emergency landing in minnesota i think i fell down somewhere in the print store in the airport in minnesota um and then they did a transfer to seattle when i got to seattle that's when the first covid case got to

the u.s and i was like that's probably fine. And I went to... I was like shaking people's hands and shit. I was like, I'm going to lick poles, whatever. And then Alaska was cool. Have you ever been to Alaska? Nah. It's so expensive. Like New York prices, because they got to get everything over there from Canada. They got to get it sent in, yeah. Pain in the ass. Weed was legal

out there. And it was cool, because I went to a weed store, and then there's these two cops just arresting... There was these two dudes in jumpsuits outside of a police station and they didn't have a jacket on or anything and they're just standing there in a chain gang and i'm smoking a joint being like boy alaska sure is different but uh then well i left did the gig i didn't know what i was going to talk about because i was like these are kids from alaska like i only have so many sarah palin jokes yeah to talk about because I was like, these are kids from Alaska. I only have so many Sarah Palin jokes. But then I was like, they're college kids. It's fun.

Talk about what college kids are like. Gig went well. Checked out of the hotel. I walked like four miles to the airport because I was like, I'm in Alaska. I don't know the next time I'm going to be here. You walked to the airport? I walked to the airport because there's like a trail. Bro, who can You can't walk to the airport. You should not.

And I did. Imagine if you're like i walked to laguardia yeah fucking insane the only time in my career i've ever done that and i didn't realize it's not normal but i watched fargo like the night before so i was like yeah i could do that and uh it was fun and it was alaska there was a trail there was a trail and like there's people it's like so stereotypically alaskan there's like dudes on like the the tennis shoes and like they're like skiing and and uh i had to there's all these signs and they're written like batman villains to tell you to stay away from the wild if you see a moose run the opposite direction otherwise you are fucked and i went off the trail to go pee and about 20 feet out i see a moose to this day i don't know if that moose saw me.

The fact that I'm alive tells me he saw me and went, not a threat, but I've never seen anything that big in my life. They're dinosaurs, man. Huge. I could not believe how big that thing is. You hit a moose with the car, and you're in trouble. Yeah, that moose hits you. There was that video that went viral a couple years ago.

The moose just ran into the traffic. No, there was one that was like, oh, maybe it was a buffalo. It viral a couple years ago. The moose just running through the traffic. No, there was one where it was like... Oh, maybe it was a buffalo. It was kind of... No, I think it was a moose. There's one with the moose where they're just kind of like alongside it. And he's just kind of walking down the highway. No, this one's running through snow.

Oh, yeah. He's training for a triathlon. The moose was like... It was just someone slowly walking by. And he was just walking his ass on the middle of the highway being like, I'm a moose. That's as fast as he has to go yeah there was one i saw of him um it was like a uh a driveway cam where a moose he shed his antlers and you can like see him just like walking stop and be like hold on something's changing and then he just shook him off and then went damn and then just kept going

he still had like like a little bit there but. I didn't know they shed antlers. Have you seen those videos of them snapping barnacles off crabs? That looks like pimple popping for sea creatures. They have lizards who get their

eyes. Sometimes lizards get their nose plugged up. Almost like lizards have their nose like plugged up with yeah it's like you know lizards have like little like um you know with their armor almost yeah yeah they have one that gets stuck in their nose and they pop it out and it was like oh you know my man is breathing yeah oh amazing yeah i can't imagine you're carrying your moose antlers around and all of a sudden you lose that weight yeah it's like going to the bathroom after chipotle dude i'm a whole new man i don't know what i find more uncomfortable lizards or people who own them as pets. No offense.

I had a roommate who had a lizard. I didn't like them. Lizards are lizards. They're not my favorite animal, but they just do their thing. If you own a lizard, we broke it down before. Legitimately, there's only two animals you can own, and it's really more like one. It's a dog and a cat. Right.

And the cat can even be questionable at times. and a cat you're good think about anything else and i don't count fish because to me that's like a decoration if you want to have an aquarium they are decorated that's a cool like decoration whatever anything else you're a weirdo anything else you better be a porn star because all of my favorite porn stars have snakes. Snakes, spiders, all that weird shit. That was a really quick jump. I can start listing some names. They're always playing with snakes. Listen, all I'm saying is

all the pedophiles I know own ferrets. That's all I'm saying. Everybody I know that can't live near a school has at least two ferrets. It's never just one. I only know one person

who ever had a ferret. Pedophile. They lived at Disney. Yep, there you go. Celebration Florida is technically part of Disney, and people also just live there full time. What is going on with Disney right now? I feel like you would know.

They're like trying to annex it or something, or Ron DeSantis is pushing DeSantis around the ring about something. DeSantis wants it to be like you have to pay monster tolls right drive into disney yeah but there's there's locals who like drive those roads to and from work that would just get wrecked like i just gotta drive to you know my office but i'm crossing through like a disney toll so it's like 50 dollars got you uh so yeah he's just trying to that doesn't seem like a good idea to fuck with disney like that no they that feels to me like like uh like they're like the vatican inside italy

like disney's like we'll fucking kill you in the movie is perfect Bible is pretty clear about this also better not kiss a girl in the fourth Frozen movie that's all I'm saying I just feel like Disney would be like alright peace out

we're going to Atlanta and then Florida's fucked yeah Florida would lose probably half their income at the end of the day Disney calls the shot. I bet you, who is it, Michael Iger, whoever? Bob Iger?

Yeah, who left, tanked, and then came back. I'm sure that guy, if he wanted to, could be president. You know what I mean? He calls shots. He makes moves. He makes decisions. I saw someone at a TV about that the other day where it's like, do I think the Disney Corporation should be able to dictate how Florida politics work?

No. Is it hilarious? Yes. I don't even know who could be president at this point anymore. Literally anybody. I don't know who couldn't. I think finally what you were told as a kid, which was always – even when I was five, I was like, you're fucking lying. I know. You could be anything one day. You could even be I was five, I was like, you're fucking lying. I know.

You could be anything one day. You could even be president. No, I can't do that. You could be. I think now you can tell anyone they could be president. What do you think is – how many jobs out there do you think are harder to become than president now? Let's see. Proctologist, I don't know why that came to mind.

Being an astronaut is way harder than being president. No, astronauts are easy. You're crazy. Because presidents don't have to do that spin thing. That feels like the hardest part of being an astronaut. You could go through all of it and then they're like, okay, we're going to put you in zero gravity. Negative 10 G-force with your face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That looks crazy. They're like, alright, if you want to go to space you have to watch a hundred challenger documentaries you don't have to do that when you're president if you still want to go after that then be my guest bring a buddy who gives a shit I feel like it would be way easier to be like a SpaceX astronaut

they're just looking for guys who are probably on a watch list like yeah let's send them to space it doesn't matter. Astronauts definitely won. Those are human guinea pigs. Elon's pretty confident but he's like, this might go south. We're going to Mars with brain chips, boys.

Let's load up. That girl's gonna be sorry she said no to me seven years ago when I come back half chimp and half applesauce brain. Let's roll, brothers. I'm ready to continue to not make eye contact with anyone. That's that brain chip gonna do.

Astronaut, definitely one. Veterinarian, that feels way harder to be than president. You gotta be able to do everything. Chicken, duck, dog, cat, fish. Veterinarian, it's the cheesecake factory of doctors. You gotta do everything

Nothing has to be good That's true You just gotta be like Twelve hundred dollars I don't know That's really what they do too You gotta do twelve hundred dollars Everything's either seven hundred

They go seven hundred Or twelve hundred That's it But also every fucking Veterinarian Every veterinarian's visit Is just a hostage negotiation It's like

This is five thousand dollars Or I kill it Yeah They also They judge the fuck out of you Yes I took my dog They were looking at his chart And they're like negotiation. It's like, this is $5,000 and I kill it. Yeah. Also, they judge the fuck out of you. Yes. I took my dog,

they were looking at his chart and they're like, it looks like you were here on this date and this date. Is that true? And I'm like,

I don't fucking remember. Sorry, my dog really likes Legos. I'm sorry. I'm not home all the time. They were like, what do you plan to do? I was like,

I don't know. Rub some dirt on it. Paws hurting. They do negotiate really quickly. I had one time I went in and they were like, I don't know. Rub some dirt on it. Paws hurting. They do negotiate really quickly. I had one time I went in and they were like, it's going to cost about five grand. And I was like, I really only have $1,400. And they're like, yeah, $1,400. What do you got?

I'm like, fuck, I should have said $1,700. I'm like, who is running this? I swear to God, I gave them to him and he just put it right in his pocket. He just tickled the dog twice and then the dog was up. Like, what are you doing to my dog? Last time I was at the vet, I told this on the podcast before, a guy showed up with a shoebox with a

parrot in it. Yo, the woman opened it up. First of all, I didn't think it was going to be a bird in there, but it was so, so very dead. Judging by the fact that it's an animal that can fly that was just sitting in a box and i watched the woman go like like and he just walked in so casually i think it was like my daughter's out in the car and we have to like help the family

pet yeah he walked in with like i know i have a dead box that box and he handed it to her and she was like okay well like what what did you want us to do here sir he was kind of like i didn't hear him he was kind of like and they were like yeah no this is dead he went he just went and walked out and it was the craziest i've ever seen he just punted the box in the parking lot well honey it came back i would love to imagine he got back to the car going, told you so, Janice. Did you ever have a pet die that your parents covered for you? Like a farm thing or something?

I did not, but my mother found out when she was like 35 that the whole... Upstate dog thing? They told her that their dog went to be a security dog at a farm. Did she believe that until she was like a fucking... That dog is 13 years old when dogs are their sharpest, and now he's going to go to work. He can't see, and he has three legs. And the government said we need him there.

He's going to help us stop another 9-11, which hasn't happened yet. But once it does, you'll understand. He'll be a 40-year decorated vet my dad dropped that on me last week i had this cat when i was a kid named tyson and my dad and after mike yeah um cat loved me hated my dad pissed on everything my dad owned and when we moved into a new house my dad was like oh we're going to send tyson up to a farm and then i was on the phone with him the other day and he was like yeah so they killed that dog like we did your cat and i was like what and he was like yeah yeah same place where i'd always go to i'm like what other animals went

there like that what else have you i had a rottweiler when i was a kid that ball yeah bit my dad in the hand when i was a baby and my dad was like there we go farm they're all on the farm i'm keeping old mcdon McDonald's shit running, man. He is fucking keeping the lights on because of me. That TikTok couple, they posted their daughter. She looked like Chucky. She was all swollen and had a scar across her. You know, Chucky the doll, right?

Yeah. Chucky the supermodel. Everybody knows Chucky the baddie and the the like second slide was like when they finally like make up with each other and then they're like she was petting the animal again and tiktok did not like that they were like this animal fucking mauled your daughter and one day you will have a dead daughter on your hands. No, no, no. We keep her in a cage now.

It's okay. You can say dead. The girl's in the cage. But it was the top comment I loved because usually I find TikTok comments to be like the stupidest arguments of all. But the top comment was just, I don't know why people feel the need to share every single thing about their lives. Like to be like, let me put this picture of my mall daughter and then tell people that we're keeping the status quo. It's just like do whatever you want with your dog and your ugly Chucky daughter now. But you don't need to expose it to the world. Same thing with the fucking dude, the baseball player with the popcorn.

Oh, yeah. It's like just don't fucking tell people about this. And the Tom Brady kissing his kids and the Dalai Lama getting his tongue sucked. Like, I'm a Buddhist, and I took my beads off very slowly last week. I was just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Going back to the church.

That was when he said, the statement said, you know, the Dalai Lama likes to play around and tease with people. And then it was like, comma, even on camera. Which was like, well, then on camera. Which is like, well then, what the fuck is going on

off camera? Did you see how hot that kid was? Tell me you wouldn't. Tell me anybody in this room wouldn't. The Buddha himself wouldn't come down.

Don't meet your heroes, especially if you're a child. You're in danger. If you go near a religious leader as a child, stay away.

Only one who's safe is Jared Leto. He seems to be doing pretty good with that Island down there. He is that dude. Fuck. Dude. I watched the, uh, the blink way to Coachella set the other day and Tom DeLonge.

I think it's on the launch, whatever, however it's pronounced. Um, he does blink blinks like awesome at banter on stage and all that shit. Yeah. And he was just like, in between when songs, he's like, uh, he's Tom. The one blink's like awesome at banter on stage and all that shit yeah and he was just like in between when songs he's like uh is tom the one who's like aliens yeah who like he like like tom tom like exposed aliens yeah well he's like what did he

do i don't know but he was like i'm quitting bling bling too i'm going to prove aliens exist to the world he was and then if you've ever seen the um the like's the one famous UFO video where you see them zipping around. He released that video. The Blink-182 dude? And the government was like, that's real. They confirmed it and they were like, it is an action podcast. It's not a joke. Tom is the reason the government was like, all right, we got to release all the aliens.

People thought he was like a tinfoil hat guy and they were like, no, no, no, that's real. Actually, during the set, there's a song. I actually forget what name of the song it is, but there's a lyric where it's like, we all know conspiracies are dumb, because I'm up all night long. And he's singing, he goes, we all know conspiracies are dumb.

No, they're not. But anyway, during the set, in between songs, they're dumb. No, they're not. But anyway, during the set, they're kind of, in between songs, they're kind of doing banter. And it was Coachella, it was only announced

three days before. So no one had to take it. It wasn't their crowd imagination. And so I don't think anyone really knew what they were like on stage or anything like that.

And he's like, I just want to give a quick warning to everyone here at Coachella. I went to the Dalai Lama kissing booth earlier and I wouldn't do that. It's not what you think it's going to be. Yo, wouldn't that be great to be like?

Oh, that's great. You're a fucking rock star. You mix in a couple, like, a little stand-up comedy material. I said that. And you just got the yeah in your palm of your hand i used to listen to and i don't listen to a podcast really i listen to one and it's just about the boston bruins um and uh i realized that like i liked podcasts when i was a kid because i used to listen to mark tom and travis show which is their live recording and i used to listen to

all time and it was just because of their banter in between was funny like i would like that would be podcast i would like yeah yeah doing like podcast stuff like they even they're doing call backs on the coachella set where he's like like five songs later he's like no no but seriously i want to talk about the dilemma because that kid got off easy they made me do way worse oh my god i mean i know i know uh you know i know Adam Sandler used to get up there with a guitar. Yes. And I know even Francis with the piano here. But if you were a musician first who happened to be funny,

and it was almost like you play a song and then do – that's just in between songs, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you were to do a song and then five minutes of material and you had some sort of hybrid set i mean that would be like the most entertaining thing in the fucking world it's you also have done the hard part like you don't even have to be that funny you just have to be charming yeah people are already there once you find out that you're if you love uh an athlete who like happens to do a little bit of music or right or music or has an interest

that you like when I find out if I find out a comic also likes the Mets or something like that I'm like oh like you're good I know something else about you so you don't even you don't even need to be that great at it you don't like them to be like I don't like people who I don't like I was actually thinking about this the other day

I don't I went to you know what it was I went to I went shopping I went to was actually thinking about it the other day. I don't – I went to – you know what it was? I went to – I went shopping. I went to a store and – Gun store? Oh, yeah. The one? The one in Mexico. I got my article clear. And I was like, man, I hate doing things I like because I just see all the other people who I now have something in common with and I'm like, I hate all of you.

He is the most – That was the darkest thought I've ever had. Seriously, what? Oh, I disagree. I'd be like, not having a good time with nobody I don't know. I've heard this man talk about, I walk by buildings and I think about jumping off them, and that was darker.

Dude, I want to be your friend, man, but I also don't. I'm scared. You just being like, I can't go to the store because I see other people there that are happy and that makes me sick. No, not that they're happy. It's that I'm like, damn, I'm like you. And like when you meet people who share an interest that you share and you're like, oh,

you're actually one of those guys. It's insufferable to be around. Oh, yeah. Like when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror uh one of the guys on my mets podcast like the other day was like arguing with people on twitter about the mets and i reached out to him and i was like yo dude like don't do it it's not worth it you know and he kept going he kept going and i was like this is crazy why is this guy fucking doing this this guy's a dumb asshole and i was like oh my god this is what I look like to everybody.

That I can understand. Where you're like, wait a minute. That's what I mean. I'm dreading going to the Taylor Swift show. I'm like, oh. Oh, you, all of us are. Like, the little girls will be fine. Where I'm like, okay, that makes sense.

Never say that out loud again. Don't ever say that. I'm going to the Taylor Swift concert. All the little girls will be fine. I'm happy with them. It's everyone else. I wish it could the Taylor Swift concert all the little girls will be fine I'm happy with them it's everyone else I wish it could just be me and all the little girls

and we could prance around and I got a blank space baby and I'm writing Abby's name Eliza's name Maddie's name you're all coming to my little pony

birthday party it's gonna be fantastic see you at the Dalai Lama booth I was like maybe I shouldn't say this I was like yeah I'm with that

I'm with the little girls it's great but when I see like the 30th three with no context i'm like oh you yeah yeah like i'm like you what are you gonna do and you know like what are you gonna do you're just gonna i think that's kind of sweet seeing i have a friend who's like 27 and she's really excited to go to the taylor spoof show because like she grew up with her i can't think of like any other artist that like that that is at that level yeah because you like you have to have the longevity right still be relevant she probably started listening when she was 10 11

years old and now i think i was a sophomore in high school yeah when tim mcgraw came out something like that maybe tim mcgraw you're taylor swift no that's her her first like hit was oh oh it's called tim mcgraw My mom loved Tim McGraw. One time she got away from... Got away? Was she escaped? Yeah, we had her in a basement. She worked like...

She was a nurse. She worked crazy hours. But she had like one vacation when I was a kid to go see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. She went with my grandmother. They're married, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She went to like Pennsylvania to go see her.

That weekend, I was like 10 years old, and my dad had a PS2. This was probably 2006, 2007. And I loved the Battlefront games, Star Wars Battlefront, the OG. But I was not allowed to play them on his PlayStation. And so I would delete the data right after I was done playing it. And he was really into that game Blitz, the league that just would cheat all the time just aggravate and I accidentally

he had like maybe 60 hours invested in that game and I deleted it by accident and then I just, after I did that I just went upstairs and I was like I'm just gonna pretend I don't know what happened. I woke up to him, he grabbed me by the chest and the next thing i knew i was

downstairs on the couch with his foot on my chest and then i just got the worst ass beating of my life i used to be much darker all the black came off of me that day i went from one day this kid's gonna have a hard time with the cops to he looks like he has good credit. My mom came home being like, I got you all this stuff from the Tim McGraw concert, which made the weekend even worse, because I didn't give a fuck about Tim McGraw. It's like when they brought Dasani to those people in

Houston when the power went out. Now they got to boil the water again. It doesn't matter. This sucks. Tim McGraw, sorry, that was a trauma dump. You said Tim McGraw, and I was like dump You said Tim McGraw And I was like Speaking of Tim McGraw Here's this time my dad Beat the shit out of me

You ever seen Friday Night Lights? Kinda like that Yeah I walked in talking about molested And we're getting glory holed By the Pope This is great I love the Vatican

This is so great This is like that 70's show But only hide Nobody feels safe The fucking fact that your dad This is so great. This is like that 70s show, but only hide. Nobody feels safe. The fucking fact that your dad had a video game system. That's like the meanest thing I ever heard. It's one thing if your dad doesn't let you do things.

You can't play the video games. You're a child and you can't play with the toys. We had a GameCube and that was supposed to make us be okay. GameCube. You have the GameCube. You'll be fine. And I'm like, how many fucking times can I play Mario Sunshine? I want to play San Andreas.

I'm 10. I don't care. I want to kill a hooker with a katana. That urge never goes away if you don't satisfy it at 10. If you have a kid out there, make sure he's playing as many violent video games as he can before puberty. Otherwise, those wires get crossed and he ends up in the NFL. Basically,

you know what Macaulay Culkin felt like when he went to Neverland. Like, no, you can't play with a toy to the bedroom for you. My kid is five, and the other day I went out, my dad was watching him. Later in the day, he goes, so I think my game's almost done downloading. And I was like,

what? You know how to download your own games now? That's insane. I had to buy them. And he was like, yeah, yeah. Like, it's almost, I don't know. It was almost finished. And I was like, I can't believe this guy bought a game for himself.

I was like, all right, we'll see what it is. And I get home, and it's God of War. Which is, like, literally, like, Viking axe murder, and I think actual sex scenes. That's great. Teach them young. You're right. Get it out now.

Press X to meet the Dalai Lama. The war is all in the Middle East over there. So when you're 17 and doing comedy, what are you doing comedy about? I was doing a lot of impressions. That's all I can do. I remember being 16 and wanting to get into comedy and having that same thought. No one's ever asked me that before.

Like, what do you talk about? That people will respect, at least. Right, yeah. 16, you just play things to talk about with your friends. But a crowd of adults would be like, shut the fuck up That's the big thing, yeah And when I was like 16, 17 Starting to go to clubs

That's when Pete Davidson was a couple years older than me Just starting to get success And him and Matt Rife were sort of my role models For seeing how young guys What they would talk about But also I wasn't really doing a lot of material like them. Cause I grew up with like,

my dad was a wrestler when I was a kid and he was an amateur pro wrestler. So I went on a lot of his road gigs with him and he was also a DJ. So he hated listening to music and we would only listen to standup albums like Bill Cosby, Carlin, Seinfeld, all the greats. Like that's what I would listen to.

Cause it was like work. Yeah. He just like, didn't listen to newer music. And when we would listen to music because it was like work yeah he just like didn't listen to newer music and when we did listen to music it was like i'm a huge 80s and 70s fan because that's what my dad grew up with so that's what i listened to whenever he wanted to listen to music um so anyway once i started doing stand-up i i was never really uh you ever noticed like this is the deal with that and XYZ? I started to get funny. I'll tell you how I fucked up.

I did mics. I was doing impressions. Didn't really have an act, but I'd be like, here's what this would sound like if he worked at CVS. My first ever show show was 2014, New York Comedy Club. I go on stage. The guy before me is, like, divorced, and he's getting into stand-up because his therapist probably told him to do it to keep him from dropping a toaster in the bathtub. He's just playing with the microphone cord

and it's getting kind of loose. This could hold, probably. He's like... We got the pipes! We got them! 275. I'll be back next week. I'm cutting out carbs.

I go on stage, grab the mic, cord comes out, completely blank on my cellular lact, and I start doing Hannibal Buress' material. I'm like 18. I do like maybe three minutes. And then I'm like just straight up doing his act. And when I get off stage. Wait, but like impersonating him? No.

It's like you're just stealing his video. Just ripping it off. Just stealing it. And I'm killing. I'm doing so well. But you wouldn't know it on my face because I'm terrified. The cord went out. I go on autopilot.

I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. As I'm getting off stage, I got off early. The host has his phone out of the video of Hannibal doing the bit that I just did. And I just rush out. This guy, as I'm leaving, is like, hey, man, what's your name? And I'm like, Troy Bond. Nice to meet you.

Whatever. Rush out. Go home. Go lay in bed. Lights are out. Go on Twitter. I have hundreds of notifications. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Somebody tagged Hannibal, told him that some guy was doing his act at New York Comedy Club. Hannibal quoted the tweet, tagged me and it dm'd me being like is this true and i was like what the what is going on and i was like uh yeah sorry i was uh doing a tribute to you hannibal and then he writes back i heard you didn't say my name once that's a big part of playing tributes and i was like i am so screwed and that I didn't do stand-up for a year. And in that time, all I did was write. I wrote every... I would get out of the King Kong suit. Write, write, write, write, write.

Go back in the suit. Write, write, write, write, write. And I learned in that time that all I could talk about was what I knew, which was me and personal. That was the one time I could go on stage and be a narcissist and not be yelled at for it because I could just talk about my family. I come from a mixed family. I could talk about that. I could talk about literally anything. Once I learned that I could talk about me rather than be observational,

which I still think is great. The greats of observational comedy. You've got Seinfeld. Even Mulaney now, his new special is coming out. It's going to be very personal with what he's gone through. And, and I've seen a couple of the clips and I watched him run an hour. Uh,

and, and he's somebody who I consider to be like the king of, of observational comedy. And, and he's at a point where he's making it very personal. So once I started doing that, then it, they say it takes you about 10 years to find your voice.

Um, which is true. And I remember being like 21, 22, being like, I started when I was 17. I'm a child protege. I got my voice down. And I was going in all these auditions. You got Hannibal's voice down. Yeah, I got Hannibal's voice down to 18.

But I didn't know who I was yet. And honestly, I was doing really well right up to COVID. I'd say a year before COVID, I was really starting to gain momentum. But I had a really bad cocaine problem. So if COVID didn't happen, I probably would have died. That's what made you stop? Not initially. Good old unemployment money came in.

Then I had serious cocaine money. Thank you, Governor Cuomo. We talked about that when COVID first started. I was like, the weed's got to be going up. I imagine cocaine's going pretty down. It was insane. I lived with three Irish bartenders who were all out of work and all were making unemployment money.

We're just doing shit loads of blow. I lost stand-up. Just doing blow and sitting in your apartment? Doing blow from 7 to 7. I was doing ketamine to come down off blow. I'd be popping three or four Xanax just to get off of that. And then start back up the next day. And then, and like August.

That was a blast, man. It was great. I don't remember anything. I watched a lot of Yellow Submarine for some reason. That's all I really remember. I woke up in the middle of a field upstate in Poughkeepsie at one point. Don't remember much. There was just a lot of drinking, a lot of boozing.

No fucking. And then August got off. Then everything opened back up again, and that's when I started to develop the momentum. I was coming up on the 10-year mark and started posting stuff online.

That's a good positive reinforcement thing. Because stand-up, you get immediate gratification from the audience. Whether it's going well or whether it's not. You know right then and there. Plus, like, the only thing... Steve Barnes said the only difference between a good joke and a great joke is basically nothing. Because all comedy is, it's a place.

And the only variable is people in the room. And there's different people at every single show you're at. So sometimes I do like three, four shows a night. Sometimes things don't go well. Sometimes things do go well. And once COVID opened, or once everything opened back up during COVID, I was on seven nights a week, five shows a night. And during that period between then and now, I really was able to craft it out, and I feel like now I'm at about the 10-year mark, and I feel as though I'm just finally not even getting my voice

but finding it and understanding where I'm at. Also, it's just a lot of trial and error too, and I'm not really afraid to fail. I'm more afraid of not trying because you really don't know what's going to stick. Is there anything else you would do for 10 years? If someone came to you right now and was like, start this up. And in 10 years, you might be starting to get okay at it. Okay at it, yeah.

Crazy. Maybe not. Astronaut. You can do that right away without like no money no money the whole time and you'll have to work as a gorilla but really like that's that's crazy i was able to take every kick in the balls because you have it's this weird self-loathing hating yourself thing all the time and there's this other like this hurts, but it's in service of that. Like, I totally understand Scientology.

I get it. They take those beatings. That's a jump, too. But, like, I watch them, and I'm like, oh, you're taking all these beatings from these tiny little men because you believe that your soul is going to go to another galaxy and you'll be free.

Like, that's not that different from anything else in life you're doing. Maybe you'll get to do that one day. I always knew I would be successful. I just didn't know in what capacity. Success, to me, at the lowest level would have been just to do this and make enough money to pay my rent

and buy food. That would have been enough. And that's still kind of where I'm at. I think that's where the successful people operate. Absolutely. And maybe the mega successful people are the ones who are like, I'm going to make it. And they grind their way to be Kevin Hart or some shit. But it's the people who are like, I just want to be able to do this.

I wanted to be able to do something I love. Because my parents, I watched them work their whole life and not make any money. And they're miserable the whole time and i was like well at least if i'm gonna be miserable i'm gonna do something i love while i'm doing it yeah and whether it worked out or not like i if i had to be a doorman at the very comedy club to get me on stage i would have done that i would have uh there's no you you you find out what your limit is every day you torture yourself in this dream you're like wow i guess i'll i can do that now and it's really by you find out what your limit is every day you torture yourself in this dream. You're like, wow, I guess I can do that now.

And it's really – when you look back like five years of your career, you go, wow, I did that. Yeah. Which is a cool feeling to look at. That's the only time I take pride in myself. That and after I shave my pubes. I'm like, wow, look at that. Look at you. Good morning, Mr. Johnson.

Do you ever talk to Hannibal since? No. I haven't seen him. It's funny. It's almost better to be doing several minutes of straight-up plagiarism. I know. I genuinely think that's better than if you stole one or two jokes. Yeah.

Because it's almost like, I don't know, man. I went on autopilot. I think your comic was just out of material. He is struggling with autism, that's for sure. You can speak to it better as a comic, but I would think if someone just did exactly what I would almost laugh.

I'd be like, yeah, that's hilarious. Particularly also as you're a kid. Yeah, if someone was making money. I had somebody do it to me at a show I was hosting a few months ago where they took But particularly also as you're a kid. Yeah. If someone was making money and like – I had somebody do it to me at a show I was hosting a few months ago where they took one of my bits and I was in the back green room and like every server in the club came back poking their head out like a loony to me. They're like, did you hear that? And I was like, what? They were like, they just did your joke.

And I was like, which one? And he told me and it was funny. I laughed a lot because I was like, good for him. Good for him. Hannibal was kind of, he could have been way more of an asshole to me. And just like in Twitter passing, too. You know, nothing that happens in Twitter happens in real life. Right.

But I did. I'm glad that happened. Because now it's at a point where I put all of my stuff through such refinery. Because I don't even watch comedy, to be honest with you, like on Netflix or anything else. Live setting is the best place to watch it, in my opinion. So, like, anytime I get to watch it or anytime I do watch it, it'll be in a club. But, like, I try not to even watch specials because one grain of sand gets in there and I'm like, damn. I've said that about podcasts before.

I think it's because I think I just actually don't want to listen to them. But I make the excuse that, like, because I probably should for work and all that shit. I make the excuse that, like, I don't want to in case something... I think that's real. I think we should listen to our own podcast and, like, hear ourselves and think about what we could do better and shit,

and that I will make excuses for. You should get a JBL and play your own podcast, walk down the street, and be like, motherfucker spitting! Y'all hear this shit? Dude, I can't even hear, like, I know comics like to record themselves and shit like that.

I mean, it just happened an hour ago. The moment I hear my voice, I just start yelling. So I can't hear it. I don't listen. I have hundreds of hours of tape just from this year so far, and I've maybe watched back 20 minutes of it. It's really like, I'll be on stage, and this thing will happen, and i'll be on stage and this

thing will happen i'll be like oh that's a good clip and then i'll go on go and just plug it up but i'm sure i have so much stuff that would be great i will never know because i'm never gonna watch it yeah i'm just like looking at being like look at this piece of shit you really think you're fooling everybody don't you one day they're gonna see you're gonna crack my friends you're gonna crack and that omelet's gonna fall right on the ground and all little mice are gonna eat you from the toes up to the ears and then hannibal's gonna come back and finish the job and then there you are back to square one the parrot and the pedophile the pedophile and the pope francis glory hole right back to square one i'll never be back at barstool did you have a moment um i want to say like uh comedian destroys racist heckler was like a big

that was yeah or you were racist i didn't even say my title of that's what everybody was calling it and i never it's comedy videos are so the titles are almost pornographic yeah they definitely are where they're like bad libs yeah comedian participates in petite asian gangbang oh my god yep um but yeah that was a big there was kind of two pop-off moments last year for the following uh and and i could speak on it because it's interesting because people come up and you know the modern seinfeld ones were a big thing uh and i wrote those years ago i wrote those modern signs you were modern seinfeld i wrote those maybe in 2016 2017 and then wait you're modern seinfeld yeah yeah yeah that's the yeah yeah oh no no no my my instagram videos are of the modern yeah i did i i wrote those years ago um and i know there is

an instagram account where they i think we may have connected after those videos started coming out because he was sending me those. But I would do like Jerry Kramer and George and like – but I wrote those sketches years ago. Started posting them in like 2021. They got some traction. Posted one over the summer last year. And I think I went from like 10K on Instagram to 150K within like a week. But I had a big TikTok following. I mean, I was at like 250 something on TikTok.

So that's where the 10K on Instagram came from. But then the thing that happens, and this is why I always tell people, if you're posting on social media and it flops, leave it up. Because once people started finding those sketches, they find all the other stuff. And they're like, oh, he's a stand-up. Let's go see his shows. And they would come see the shows. And they're like're like wow then my stand-up video started to do well then you don't also want to pigeonhole yourself into just doing that one thing like i could have done a modern seinfeld video every day for 10 years if i wanted to but i was like

i'm gonna diversify and just throw it to the wall and see what sticks because every time they told me the rule of this or that i've broken it and it seems to do okay and go well there are none and then the second blow up about six months later was when that woman was at the club and she called me uh racist and like the thing about that was is she was drunk i knew she was drunk before i even went on stage this was an 11 o'clock show friday midtown uh broadway comedy club we get a lot of tours there sometimes. People are just kind of, they've been walking around all day. They're tired. They've been drinking. It's a problem, and it's a basement.

I do maybe 10 minutes about dogs. Sometimes I just can't get off of a rant. I was going after pugs, German Shepherds, everything. Rescue dog owners. I was just going at it. Then I get the light which means i got like five minutes left and i had to get this this trump joke in for this tape i was trying to submit so i just did a hard turn and i was like and she was like chirping at me a few times and

i'd shut her down and then i did my setup i was like i'm probably the most pro anti-trump comic out there and then she just went no you're not you're racist and then i screamed like you know shut the fuck up which is like a musket. That only works once. You could scream shut the fuck at somebody one time. If it doesn't work after that, then you have to get real defensive or deflective. And she just kept yelling. One of my favorite shows when I was a kid was Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

There was this character named Cheese. And every time somebody got mad at Cheese, they would yell and he would get quieter. And I learned that from Cheese. So she's yelling at me, getting all worked up. And I'm a clown. It's my job to make fun of how ridiculous you look for being mad at me for something that has nothing to do with anything. And I kept asking her, what are you mad at? I will apologize for it if you tell me.

And she just wasn't. And I was funnier than she was drunk and she started crying and i called her kamala harris right when the security guard was kicking her out and the comedy gods blessed me with her walking right in the frame and shedding one lone tear as soon as i called her kamala harris like those old native american commercials uh yeah i after the show she gets kicked out she goes and meets my friend Jared Waters and she's like can you believe

they kicked me out of the show and Jared was like who got you kicked out like I know it wasn't Troy and she was like yeah it was Troy and he was like you had to do something really bad to get Troy to kick you out and he was like listen she explained the situation to him and he's like if it's bad as you say it is Troy's definitely gonna post a clip of it so they

exchanged numbers and she was like send it to me when he does and he sent it to her and then she was like i'll be honest i wish you never sent this to me and i'm guessing hundreds of her friends sent it to her because that video got like 60 million on tiktok like 10 million on youtube huge so like and it was on like front page of public freak out on Reddit. Like she was, there's one, somebody said there's one character on the internet, main character on the internet and you don't ever want to be it. And that poor woman got to be, and like she reached out and like I told my friend to like tell her she can come to any shows she wants.

I'm not mad at her. I honestly should buy her something very nice because she did a lot of good things for my career um but she never reached out i don't blame her uh but if you're listening to this kamala you're welcome to come to any show especially if you've had a few drinks please let's put a die hard two on this puppy all right i'm ready to go franchise let's do this we'll make this a tyler perry thing let's go I will be racist if that'll get me more views. I'm ready. I have a whole blackface hack planned out.

I call it the Sammy Davis Jr. II. I'm the candy man. That was my friend's goat. I went to Florida State, and my friend had a pet goat, and his name was Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. Incorporate that. All right, dude. I love it.

Let's go to Answer the Internet. Answer the Internet. Yeah. So we got tickets, podcasts, all that shit, telling people. TroyBondLive.com. I'm on the road right now. I'm doing a lot of road stuff, and I would love to have you out there. I don't even know where I'm at.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kansas City. There's a lot of civil unrest out there. Great place to be right now. Flip Michigan and then Atlanta, Georgia. I searched your name. I was just Googling you. I went to one of these silly celebrity sites.

Oh my God, those are so great. They said you are I guess on their site, you are the 13,142nd most famous person that's right you are the number

you are the 48th most popular person born on January 17th the dad you heard that you are the number 4 most popular person with the first name Troy

I will find the first 3 and kill them I'm thinking Troy Aikman the city of the city of... The city of... We looked up... It was all baseball players. Troy Percival and Troy Gloss are baseball players,

but there was another Troy entertainer. Oh, Palomalo. Troy Palomalo. I'm the fourth most... Aikman and Palomalo are legit. That's so cool! You might be the third at this point. Troy Gloss and Troy Percival are done.

It's Aikman, Palomalu, Bond. Their time is up. You have to go to Palomalu to get the Head & Shoulders commercial. You got the hair going. Oh, it's going today. Thank God. I'm finally cutting it. Are you cutting it?

Yeah. Are you cutting it? I'm going to go a little longer. I'm going to say give me the Clancy. Yes, of course. He tells me everything I need to know about Charlie D'Amelio. You are the number seventh most famous

Capricorn comedian. I wonder who the other six are. Kill them, too. And the last thing here, I don't know if this is real or fake people as well. You're the second most famous last name Bond. First one, James. James, right?

That's what I mean. I don't know. Barry? That's Bonds. So you've got to work on a couple of these. I like the one that says my net worth is a million. That's great. Here we go. Reese Matthew Bond

is the number one. Oh, is he a Wicked Hot dude? No. I don't think so. Oh, no. Jonathan Reese Myers is who I No. I don't think so. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, Jonathan Rhys-Myers is who I was thinking of. That dude's a rocket launcher. Bro, you're straight up more famous than this guy.

Right? Actor who won a Joey Award for his role in the 2014 TV movie The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell. He later booked the role of Nick Radford in the good witch on the hallmark channel he doesn't have a racist heckler no yeah he has a joey i have a joseph come and go fuck himself reese witherspoon bond whatever the hell his name is famous bond that's

good to know dude this is yeah fuck him yeah hell yeah troy bond 69 all socials troy bond live uh.com and and Bonding Podcast. Love it, brother. That's what I got going. Thanks for having me. Thanks, Troy. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.