KFC Radio - The Furry Community Has Gone Mainstream ft Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

- Nick fills in for Feitelberg while Feitelberg is in the hospital -Kevins dream of making the TV show “Bloggers” -Sexy Beasts is really just a coming-out party for Furries + other kinks -KFC might have burned a bridge with M Night Shyamalan -Ben Zobrist issuing his pastor over alleged cheating scandal between him and his wife -John McAfee is found dead in prison and we’re skeptical - 46:02 - Ari Shaffir talks quarantining in Ecuador, letting fans choose his tour name, Legion of Skanks, and much more Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIOYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I've got a bobblehead in my ass, and I need to pick, like, three things I gotta have. I say, number one, and then I'll hit it to you, bite stick. Something to bite down on in case this gets the worst case. Number two. Just give me a little looser.

Let's go. I have a date later. Fucking no. This is going to be interesting. Let's do it. It's another edition of KFC Radio. Right now, your boy Nick is filling in for Feidelberg. You saw him on the earlier episode earlier this week, the first episode this week, looking

all sorts of sick and fat. Not great. Went to the hospital today to get it all looked at because as I think we were talking about clinics and city MDs, not great. No. So Feitz is actually at the hospital. Nick filling in and your boy, I can't let him drink alone. I went to a

one of those like city MDs, something in Iowa once. I could go to a city MD in like city MD's something in Iowa once. I could go to a city MD in Iowa. That's like an oxymoron. They misdiagnosed us about five times. Yeah, I mean like I said, those people are not real doctors. That's fake life.

It was definitely a student because they're asking me all these questions and then an actual guy came in and was like, is everything good here? And I'm like, is everything good in here? I have no idea. Dude, that's like the time that they stabbed my spine. I was laying on the fucking table.

I'm looking down. I see the doctor's feet. He's touching my back. And he's like, yep, okay, we'll do the shot now. His two feet disappear. Two new feet come in. I was like, that's the fucking rookie. That's the intern letting him do this shit on me. thing you know my brain is falling out of my skull yeah

city md not the answer final breaks in the hospital nick is in we're drinking our miller lights today ari shafir is on the show um and i mean ari's ari you know a little sass to me how was ari i was like ari's a, it was unbelievable. You can talk about anything you want, any topic, any question. He rolls with it. What I love most about Ari is, like, he's a madman, obviously. He's out of control and has crazy thoughts and he's hilarious. But he also, you know, he's been doing Skeptic Tank, as he says, for, like, over 10 years. And he's been in a game for so long.

He easily could, like, big time me or not be as interested. Like, how many podcasts can you do where you still take every question seriously and every topic in every segment and he does every question you hit him with he's like yeah pensive and thinking about it really like he's just an awesome fucking podcast so many some of the interviews we do you're like asking about the project and stuff and that's like the only thing you were just peppering him with like different news stories just getting his yep anything any news any like, what do you think about this? What do you think about that?

And he rolls with all of it. It was absolutely great. He's the best. So the bulk of this interview, of this podcast, will be that interview. But we've got to go through a couple topics in our usual segments here. Today's episode is brought to you by Dave, not Portnoy, Dave Bird, Lil Dicky. Season 2 of Dave is out. Did you watch season 1 of Dave?

I haven't seen it yet. I've seen the table scene, which I'm so mad that I saw it, like, Third, Lil Dicky. Season two of Dave is out. Did you watch season one of Dave? I haven't seen it yet. I've seen the table scene, which I'm so mad that I saw it without watching the whole show. But you know what? I get why. Chito Santino's reaction is just so fucking perfect. Chito is unbelievable in Dave. He plays like the manager.

He's like the straight man kind of. And it's just so fucking funny the way he does it. Lil Dicky, the clip that I had, one of my proudest moments as a podcaster was the clip I got with Lil Dicky back from 2015, I want to say. Yeah. Where I asked Lil Dicky, you know, do you see yourself as a rapper or a comedian, a writer, what? And he was like, I use the rap industry as my conduit to get into the entertainment business because there's not a lot of competition for guys who look like me. And my ultimate goal is to get into Hollywood, become a writer, and ultimately have my own show.

And like, bingo, bango, bongo. He did exactly that. And next thing you know, he's got his own show on FX. And Dave is like the number one. It's like FX's number one show ever. For a channel that has, you know, Always Sunny and like a lot of like monster series, it's like the best performing comedy of all time.

Fargo, they got a ton of shit. In the past like 10 years, FX has become like the new spot for like all of that. All the edgy comedy that's, like, good. Edgy comedy and, like, their dramas are funny, too. All of it. Fargo, fantastic. FX is one of the last, like, channels that I really would, like, tune into.

Dave's great because they have, like, major guest stars as well. In the first... I think it's the second episode. Because the first week, they dropped two episodes. There's a line from Chito Santino where he uses the word militarized. It's, they go to Korea, I think, and they brought along like their intern.

Imagine if we went out on, we were shooting a music video and we got Mike like detained and he was like stuck in the country. And Chito's like, yeah, we ran into a little bit of a, like a little bit of a speed bump. Our new intern has been militarized. He's got stuck in the country. And Cheeto's like, yeah, we ran into a little bit of a speed bump. Our new intern has been militarized. He's got to join the military.

And it's like so fucking funny. So check out our guy Cheeto. Obviously, Lil Dicky's the star of it. It's out now. Wednesday is every Wednesday at 10 o'clock on FXX. It's FXX on cable and it's streaming on FX on Hulu if you want to watch it there. It is –

I didn't realize it was on Hulu. I might go knock that out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go stream season one if you haven't seen it. Go catch up on the first couple episodes of season two. Get in on it. We have a new Dave shirt out, his famous season one quote, Somebody Suck Me.

So we got two different colors. You can check out the Barstool store. He's, you know, it's just unbelievable. That is my dream. Like people ask me, you know, like if I'm going to do this forever, because it's weird. Like can you podcast forever? Probably, to be honest, because this is just the new radio.

You'd be the first people to do it. To do it, yeah. We are like the pioneers in the sense of like, you know hosts do it forever but podcasting is different i don't know if i could ask questions like you know ati questions for the rest of my life but we could we could do this forever but if we could parlay this and i know you've done i think you've done some script shit no i've written scripts before but, that was just in college and stuff. There wasn't much, like, structure to it. Right.

I've, like, been reading books about it. I know. The Elephant in the Room or whatever it's called. Elephant Box, yeah. Elephant Box, yeah. That one teaches you how to write a Frasier script, which I'm like, holy shit, this is old. That's dated as fuck. But this is what everyone in the industry will tell you, like, if you want to write TV.

Here's how. Read this. If you want to write movies, go read Save the Cat. Right. And it's like. Either way, I would prefer TV. Oh, same. But a show called Bloggers that's kind of like a workaholics mixed with, like, the, you know, the Barstool story as told through us.

And every character is kind of like somebody here and with a little bit of, like, Curb Your Enthusiasm enthusiasm type of humor and you tell the story of barstool with that sunny or workaholics vibe would be my dream come true so uh i mean nobody here is exactly a little dicky so i don't know if we could pull that off but that would be my uh my ultimate goal i always think about that i mean we have a hundred writers here like we just got to put them in a room and i feel like we have stories galore yeah you know just in that i would got to put them in a room and i feel like we have stories galore yeah you know just in that i would love to show that in between of like i know you've talked about it before how there's going to be the show one day of like the wives of barstool where like carl when he's on his honeymoon is shit-faced chugging a beer being like go cubs

doing a lineup breakdown and it's like it it's like showing that put the camera down moment. And it's like, or the shot before where he probably tried to do it and couldn't. And had, yeah. The fact that all these guys are out there, like when Smitty was shooting free throws with his wife filming. Almost knocked himself out. So it began way back with Portnoy. He would be on vacation with Rene, and he was doing his diving,

and he'd be like, Rene, come here. You've got to film this. And that I always thought was ridiculous. And then you see, like, yeah, Carl is chugging Miller Lights, and it's like his wife's the one filming. But Smitty this weekend, Sixers game seven, he's shooting free throws, can't make a free throw to save his life. His wife is still just sitting there filming like pregnant,

bum ass. Yeah. Pregnant or five months. My bum ass husband can't hit this shot. And then he just smacks his head against the fucking pole, pole bleeding from his head, shrugging at her, like trust the process,

babe. And then like, yeah, you push the button and she's like, that was the end. Can you go? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean that, that was the end of Smitty's process. The whole thing was... That life dynamic of there's a bunch of wives on the other side of this. I would love to do a series like Barstool Wags. I'll do Behind the Blog with all of them. Oh my god, the stories that the wives could tell. Yikes, watch out for some of those stories.

Even just after this event they all have the event that like probably is like the barstool favorite video oh yeah that like they're like yeah after that i had to deal with yeah let me tell you what the aftermath of that uh behind the scenes of that uh but and just awkward stories galore um you told me you have an awkward story from this yeah this this weekend i was uh i'm dating this girl i went with her friends at the cat skills and it's like the first time i've like hung out with extended group friends i met a lot of like the very close ones but yeah so i'm like trying one not to get blackout drunk like that's always the first yeah like hurdle to i'm like

stick to beer they're like you want a shot i like later. But then you can't be the lame. I know. I was fine. I was fine in the balance. Like, yeah. And I was the guy that brought a bottle of pink Whitney. And it was like, so that was getting passed around a bunch. So I was like, all right, tone the line there.

But then I'm also like, I don't want to let it fly completely with my humor yet. Right. Oh, you got to test the waters. Well, you know, it's a shame. You probably could have let it fly with your humor from a few years ago, but now we've all... Fucking forget it. They're all aware of what Barstool is and that,

but I don't want to be over the top. They want to be trial by fire. All of a sudden, they're like, oh. We were playing... It was the last night there, and we were playing Quiplash. I thought Quiplash was one fucking game. I thought it was the, you say an answer, you get the two zany answers, you vote against them. And we're starting to let it fly.

Like, we're getting some good shit in there. They switched games, and I didn't know that there were multiple games. And the second game, I'm like choosing the craziest answer. And I choose this prompt and the first person starts and it's like, okay, give your speech. And it's what the prompt you chose. I could tell the girls going through it, giving the speech. So you have the prompt. Somebody else chooses the photos and it's like a presentation and i immediately i'm like oh no i thought i was just choosing the craziest fucking one here oh god so it comes up hi my name is nick and i'm here to

tell you how i became friends with my sexual assaulter i i am immediately like, oh, no. I think I said a total of 20 words. Well, then the first picture, the first picture, a guy in the window with binoculars. I'm like, come on, man. What does your girl say at this point? She was like, what? I'm just like, oh, i just kind of did you not realize you had switched games because you had maybe taken a couple too many shots no no i i just like it

looked the exact same on the phone i was like all right yeah honestly i don't even quite follow so i probably would have fallen like i i don't know quiplash or the games or the differences either but it was so i had to give a speech on that. And I just like I immediately was like, I'm kind of just going to shut down. Nope, nope, nope. Fucking rushed through, ran through it. And then I won the game. So the sexual assaulter speech. Yes.

Because people vote on it. And people vote on it during and like at the end of it. I'm like, I'm like, there's I'm like, there's no way. But like apparently I was like so shocked by that. I love the new guy. And then my phone goes, do you want to share this to your social? I'm like, no, I wouldn't. I'm all set on that quick match.

Thank you very much. I do not want to share this to my social, like, out of any context. No, you're lucky. Imagine if there was someone in the room who, like, had a horrible experience. There were three guys, five girls. I'm like, I don't know most. Anything is possible here. i don't know anything about any of you like this is imagine that i was imagine if like that happened and some like one

girl is like really fuck you i'm going home yeah and i'm just like i'm like i didn't write the prompt it was the other guy was like i wrote that and i'm like i'm like all right see not my brain like to know that that there's some people there who still have a good sense of humor. Fuck it. But, yeah, I was just like, fuck me. You could have easily been out on your ass looking for another date. Could have been on Netflix's new series, Sexy Beast, Nick. Oh, my God.

Netflix has got a new show out, bro. Let me tell you about it. We'll talk about the new Netflix, so Sexy Beast. We'll talk about the new movie coming out. Karen is brought to you by HelloFresh. If you got to get your dinner on, you want to learn how to cook. You want to stop getting delivery. You want to save a little bit of money.

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Oh, yeah. It was 9.30. So we're like, well, it's nine. We're not getting food. And you're like, wait, what is late here? Late is like 10 o'clock. Oh, yeah. It was 9.30. So we're like, well, it's 9. We're not getting food. And then he showed up. And it was like, let's go. There you go. Be the hero with HelloFresh.

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It all gets sent right to your door. All the ingredients are pre-measured, so you just dump it all in. The recipes are right there on a card easy to follow easy to cook and uh you can get those 14 free meals when you go to kfc when you go to hellofresh.com slash kfc14 promo code kfc14 sexy beasts is the most brilliant television program i've ever seen in my life imagine if you were going on a blind date except instead of just showing up with your regular ass ugly face you are in some full-blown hollywood makeup some special effects uh avatar type makeup you are the girl from fifth element you are chewbacca from Star Wars. You are the devil from Lil Nas X's music video.

I mean, you are a furry to the maximum. This show, if you were... The Scarecrow from fucking Wizard of Oz meets some sort of dolphin alien and you sit down and you have a date and I'm sure that this is supposed to be

you meet the person and you learn who they are from the inside. And you don't know what they look on the outside. What this really is is for furries. This is furries coming out party. Furries have gone mainstream, folks. And I'm really not even kidding. This is furries making it to the zeitgeist.

I can't wait until somebody meets the person and is like, oh, my God, you love my personality. Actually, no, put on the suit. Yeah, no. This isn't going to work. Now we can take off. No, no, no, put on the suit. Yeah, no, I, yeah. Like, oh, this isn't gonna work. Now we can take off. No, no, no, keep the mask on. Put it back on. We're gonna fuck with it.

Furries are one of the, you know me, I let my freak flag fly. I don't judge. I don't kink shame. Furries escapes me. For a lot of kinks, I can see the appeal. Like, for example, it fucking freaks me out. If you've ever watched some porn where people are

in like the latex suit where like they can't even move you know they have like the zipper around their mouth no eyes and like their hands and arms are down that freaks me the fuck out i would go yeah and you just have to trust that the person will like let you out when you're done i would freak out feeling like I'm buried alive, but I can understand some sort of power dynamic. You know, whatever. It's not for me, but I get it. Furries, I just don't understand.

You're physically, you know, you're like, I want to fuck that panda. I want to fuck that giant furry bear. I mean, right? Zach, you're laughing at me, but mean what the fuck is it right it's weird do you know how like protective they are too when i when i like i'm i'm like worried about this i don't want when i worked with chaps and kate doing high haters we were trying to get like one we got a furry call in once but we wanted to like go to a furry event the furry conventions yeah and but they were like it's hidden like i was trying i

spent hours online trying to find where they were going to meet and we were going to like go join them don't talk me like that i'm into not into the furries but into like an underground you gotta find like a scavenger hunt to find the clues of where our party is i'll end up at a furry convention fucking tomorrow bro apparently not all of them like fucking it but they're just like it's it's like we're just meeting to play i'm like i don't believe you at all play with your dicks inside each other yeah yeah yeah they're like it's a wholesome thing i'm like no we know what's going on is there um is it is it mostly hetero is this is it like gay people straight people does that matter everybody because i guess it wouldn't when you're i guess you're not fucking you know like like if you're a furry, are there furry men and furry women?

Or could I dress up as a female fucking panda? And then there would be a – There are for sure both. Yeah. But I wonder – Is that speculation or do you know? Sometimes you get on Grindr really late. Well, that's what I mean. I mean, listen.

It's Pride Month, right? Of course. And like the parties are raging. I shouldn't say parties are raging, but it's just that the parties are popping off people are having a good time we know that gay folks do it right you guys have fun you fuck you're sexy you're partying you don't worry so i could see there being a within that a sect of furries who are like fuck it if you like to bang a panda let's do it that let's do it. That's what people often complain about. I can't believe I'm talking about this.

Really? Is it that far fetched? I feel like you say this whenever you come into a microphone. Yeah, no, it's true. Well, that's a big thing in the parade and everything. People are always like, do you keep the kinks behind closed doors? People were like, I mean, that's mostly leather and

Are they doing a parade this year or now? Sunday, I guess there's something. I'm not really. I mean, that's mostly like leather and whatever the other one is. Are they doing a parade this year or no? They're not, right? Sunday, I guess there's something. I'm not really. So wait, you're saying the leather stays behind closed doors? No, that's not some people. Well, some people are like it shouldn't even – like that shouldn't even be out there or whatever. But yeah, there's definitely people that do that.

There's also the big people do the – like specifically like it's called like pup play. It's like the – Pup play? Yes. It's like they wear like the dog masks. I don't know if you've seen that. And that's where they like walk them on a leash, play yes it's like they wear like the dog masks i don't know if you've seen that and that's what they like walk on the leash right kind of yeah yeah you see on the subway a lot yeah right it's kind of like that that's common no i wouldn't say common

within the kink world that's yeah i mean i've definitely yeah crazy one too i mean i wouldn't mind i'll fucking toss a lease on you zach and walk you around. But I would never be the dog walkie. I'll be the dog walker. Do that at the next live show. Oh, my God. Imagine that. Come on out. What's the craziest kink?

Oh, God. I don't know. I mean, there's people into, like, really weird, like, obviously people are, like, shit. Yeah, like that type of shit. Is there any kink that's exclusive to the gay community versus exclusive to the heterosexual community? I mean, I would suppose there's like...

Not that I can... Yeah, I mean, I guess whatever you do, you can do both ways. It's like if you're into this... Right, mostly, yeah. I feel like... I mean, I guess if you're into a certain kind of guy, like some people, like you're into bears or... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that type of thing. What would you guys do if you found out I was a furry? Like, I really don't want to kink shame, but man, that's a tough one to come out to. That would probably be your biggest scandal yet. Yeah, right? Imagine if Carl Nassib was like, I just want to take the time to tell you guys that I'm gay and also I'm a furry. I like to dress up as a zebra and my boyfriend fucks me as a pony. I'd lean into it for sure.

We'd have merch by the next day. Oh, I mean, I said this a couple weeks ago when I asked, how can I get the Alex Cooper-sized bag? And they said the only way is to get a unique audience, so why don't you guys come out as gay? Well, you want to talk about a unique audience unique demo how about the fucking furries

what do you think furries versus bronies it's a small but rabid who wins I think I'd prefer the furries I think I would prefer

the phonies but I feel like the bronies are the bronies are bronies are just it's like just mostly like they're into little ponies

yeah but come on you tell me that they're not fucking well no of course that turns into some weird

oh I'm sure they dress up like my little pony oh yeah yeah and they start fucking each other yeah well yeah didn't they write like actually didn't wasn't there like it was like erotica yeah dude bronies was one of the first like i remember blogging that in like 09 being like this is fucking yeah wild so the furries have made it mainstream if they have a netflix show so i guess like good for them this is brilliant programming that i will i will watch one episode and love it i'm not going to continue to watch this yeah i think you get a taste for it and you i mean the shot of the panda talking and she's just her head's bobbing back and forth like so what do you do for work patently

ridiculous the only thing more absurd right now in the industry in the entertainment industry is the movie karen uh it's supposed to be like a jordan peele get out type movie except it's not jordan peele and it's the girl from uh orange is the new black the one that's like a hillbilly what's her name she's got a nickname she's like the badass girl with like no teeth taryn manning yes i believe that is her yeah um she is karen and she's a racist white woman and some black people move in next door and it's all about it's like a horror movie on how this woman terrorizes this black couple i i can't believe it exists i can't believe it's real i i thought it was a joke. I was waiting for the punchline. I was waiting. It sounds like an SNL skit.

It looks like something that like KB and Nick would make. Like it's like a spoof video. It is. I mean, the byline just looks like a headline. Racist, entitled white woman in the South terrorizes her new black neighbors. Okie dokie. I mean, right to the point there. What's the director's name? Was name coke coke daniels coke daniels is a power name that's got to be a stage name

right i'm trying to see if i recognize anything else he's made who made the potato salad who is this guy coke can i get a visual on Coke Daniels? Oh, wow. Like this hipstery asshole. Director Coke Daniels. Can we get Coke Daniels on the show? Talk about his terrible movie? Probably. I think I can bring it up now.

I think the time has passed maybe. Had a funny. Here's a little behind the scenes moment for you. We every month or so we get a list of people who are doing press we're going to be in the area and we highlight the names that we would like to go after and then sometimes our bookers come to us and say you know here's a name for you so i'm looking at under movies and i see m night shy and And I at the time I don't even like highlight it because I'm like no way. Like I don't know. He's just not.

You know. Because sometimes they're like Obama's in town. It's like yeah we know he's not going to come to us. So I didn't even bother highlighting. Then I saw the trailer for his new movie called The Beach or something like that. What's it called? Can you find that for me it's

um it looks less than stellar and um i watch this trailer and you know like every movie trailer is fucking awesome you put the right visuals with the right music and the right cut, and it's like, oh, man, anything can look good. Old. Old is the movie. The premise is that these people go to a beach, and once you're within the confines of this beach, you age, like, very rapidly. Like, one minute is, like, a month, and every hour is, like, a decade or whatever. And so all of a sudden, like, the little children become, like, old old people and the old people are dead any i mean it looked it would look so bad and i wrote this tweet being like i think this might be m night's worst movie ever and i sat there and i

was like should i send this should i not eh there's no chance we'll ever get him on the show click send like the next fucking like hour we i get a text from kelly martin be like do you guys want m9 child i was like oh mother so fucker they i texted you guys like do you guys want him you said yes i immediately sent this reply like yes definitely yes and then i remember not highlighting it but like but then when you said like do you want it i was like i'll do it for sure i like the guy i like a lot of his i think some of his movies stink but i think some of his movies are like awesome and he's the king of the twists and all this shit like yeah i'd love to talk to him but i also was like you also have to let him know that i fucking torpedoed this shit

out of this that's you sent that and then told me that right after and i sent an immediate media follow-up like wait never mind uh yeah kevin might why'd you tweet it? I was going to say, we've got a new intern, Mike, over there. These are the ups and downs of working with me. You might burn some bridges, or I might burn some bridges for you. I think, you know, here's the thing, though. I would still love to talk to M. Night Shyamalan, and I would hope he should come do this show, even though I said that. The one thing that's missing in the podcast world, and I said this on the Kevin Clancy show just this past episode, I was talking about Carl Nassib coming out and how everybody's in their bubble being like, it's not a big deal.

And it's like, yo, get outside your own bubble. But the reason you don't – Twitter is like accepting of it. It's like, no, once you go like – Outside of that. But here's the thing. The world as it's composed right now, you follow who you want to follow. Even TV, it used to be like what's on TV and sometimes it's like, ah, I'll settle for this.

And you're watching something that you never would ordinarily pick. So you're getting something new. Not anymore. You stream whatever you want. You follow whatever you want. You listen to only the podcast you like. Everything is catered towards your viewpoint. So you're never going to get any sort of like growth or new interaction or a new point of view.

And then within the podcasting world, our guests are always people that we like and they like us in return. And we like their work. And it's just like one big like let me suck your dick fest. I would love to have him on and be like, yeah, man, I'll be honest. Like, I didn't think that trailer looked great, but I love signs. I love Sixth Sense. I thought the village was okay. I love the weird one with the grandma to grandmother's house.

We go wherever that was. I like, like. What's the end of the village? Isn't it like they're fucking. It's modern times. Oh, yeah, it's modern times. I didn't think that was the worst thing in the world. People hated it, but I thought. But even that, I'd't think that was the worst thing in the world people hated it but i thought but even that i'd be like what did you think about some people like there's real like there's real examples of that of people trying

to like live in the yes that like that limit your yeah i mean like north korea is though the whole fucking country like that um did you and he wrote like uh how about this if i have you seen the movie she's all that no i think i looked it up i don't think he wrote that i know that you said oh yeah like he had some involvement in the screenplay. You don't know that movie? I know what it is. I don't. Do you know what She's All That is?

Never seen it, no. And you're how old? 27. About to be 28. That's what's weird. You should know it. I wasn't allowed to watch PG-13. Do you know the movie trope of what She's All That is about?

No. Do you know the movie trope of the girl who wears glasses and has her hair up so she's ugly? And then she takes her hair down? Yes. That's from She's All That. I was stunned that he was like, I don't know what that is. I thought that that is a basic thing. I was saying the one that I knew from was Princess Diaries

that was like the big one for me but that came out like within the same year as She's All That Yeah She's All That was like the you know oh you have to take this ugly girl to prom and it was like she literally just took her glasses off then they did Not Another Teen Movie they like made fun of it but anyway

it was something like he didn't get credit for writing it but he did write it fucking toby mcguire's on this list i mean i guess like clark kent spider-man kind of but oh fucking clark kent spider-man but i mean anyway my point being i would love to talk to heaven i chime on the lawn and uh you know it probably just never happened because one time i criticized him in a tweet it's a damn shame man it's a damn shame i wonder i i wonder we've never really had it if any guests have like just done a quick name search yeah i i feel like um jay moore i was supposed to interview once way back in the day and that was at a point where jay you know him right he's like a you would know him by his site mohr he's

like a comic and he's been in some movies um he used to have a show on like or something um and for a while he had like a podcast these are the early days when i was doing like mail time when it was like adam carolla and jay moore had big podcasts and um he was he either was or still is married to nikki cox and um i had put up a blog about her about like how hot she once was and i guess he just didn't like some of the things i said and that went out the window larry king was another one rest in peace uh like three or four times i had larry king booked and he canceled on me every time king died yep larry king died he was he was the white whale of male time he was like the most elusive guest because again this was early on when you know now

we have a revolving door of like a-list celebrities back then for me to sit down with larry king would have been like what the fuck is going on and i finally nailed it down and he's finally like official and then he found a blog that smitty wrote where um uh i'm totally i'm cool with it i'm totally on smitty's side it was when Bill Cosby was on Larry King, and both of them were just palling around about drugging girls. Oh, yeah. Remember that? They were talking about, like,

they were like, yeah, you pop a little, like, Tic Tac in their drink, and you have yourself a wild night. It was like, and everybody's like, and then you look back, and it was like, oh, yeah, no, no. He did that for real, and Larry was kind of, like, palling around with it. So when he saw that, he was like, yeah, we will never be doing your show. I was like, oh, yeah, no, no, he did that for real, and Larry was kind of like palling around with it. So when he saw that, he was like, yeah, we will never be doing your show. I was like, all right, understood. These things happen.

Because probably would have asked for it. Yeah, for sure would have come up. Yeah, seems like something we've got to address. I'm sure in direct ways and then indirect ways we've lost a few guests here and there potentially. I'm sure. That's one of those things. A quick Google search will always torpedo a few things from your voice so that's i i'm always curious i would like those people to come on because like yes and where the people like if they want to be combative

sure one that would be amazing that's great that's great for me yeah two like they always realize like oh this isn't what i thought right like i mean i would love another action bronson situation i would love another Kathy Griffin situation I would love if M. Night Shyamalan came on and I was just like yeah man I don't love every single thing you do and you know this next movie has me skeptical if he has

any sort of brains he would just like talk about that he could even be like I'm gonna convince you of otherwise or you know whatever like it's just it could be an interesting talk about some. He could even be like I'm going to convince you of otherwise or whatever. It could be an interesting talk about when you have a good movie, when you have a flop movie. Especially when it's based off the trailer. He could be like

oh, what they didn't show was this. Maybe they fucked the trailer up. Sure, like fucking Entourage with Medellin. I read something about him. When he had the script for Sixth Sense he had a one million dollar minimum to even like uh bid on like like he went to the studios yeah and was kind of like it's a million

dollar minimum and at that point that was like a big deal and it was like um something like and if you're not willing to meet meet my my shit like i'll just put it on the shelf. He's like, I will not lower my price because I know it's that good. And I'll just wait for the right time. And it turned out it was not a problem. Everybody was like, $10 million, $20 million. Yeah, of course. So anyway, long story short, come on the show, M. Night, whatever. I want to know what he thinks of the It's Always Sunny episode.

Yeah, that's what I mean. There's a lot of cool shit. And he's like a Philly guy. He likes the Sunny episode. Yeah, that's what I mean. There's a lot of cool shit. And he's like a Philly guy. He likes the Sixers. Yeah, he's always courtside at it, which I'm just like, all right, yeah, no. He seems like a cool dude. Yeah, I would love it to happen, but it probably never will because that's just not the world we live in anymore.

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boxer is the best workout you can get out at home so go to lightboxer.com l-i-t-e boxer.com slash kfc get a hundred bucks off your purchase um real quick before we get into arjafir this ben zober story is absolutely fucking wild i did one one Minuteman on it, touched it on the rundown, but it's very KFC radio here. Ben Zobris, former 2016 MVP, World Series MVP for the Cubs. Him and his wife have always kind of been like, him and Juliana Zobris are the worst. They're like that couple who's always in the news

and they're breaking up and getting back together. We used to love them. I mean, during the Cubs run and shit, it was always just because he's got this wife that's like a star too. Interesting. Stuff like that. I thought once he made her song his walk-up music. The Benny and the Jets. Somehow that snuck by me.

I didn't realize that. I know that some Cubs fans hated that because, first of all, her rendition of Benny and the Jets sucks. And also, you know, when you're a guy and you're on the team and your girls' music is your walk-up song, eh. It's a little. I mean, listen. It's a little much. Listen, we have become progressive in a lot of ways. Can we have a couple things?

Can we keep a few things for the fellas like the song you choose when you're walking up to the plate to play ball you got to make it your wife i read i read a reddit thread ball busting in the locker room yes had to have been huge like so i read a reddit thread that said uh like what's your what's your like your best uh unknown sports story and this guy said that he went up he went to like an autograph signing or something like that. And both of them were there. And he said to the, to the wife,

do you, do you like make him play your music? And she was like, Oh God, no, never. To be honest, it's like kind of embarrassing that he even plays my music,

but like, whatever. I love him. She walks away, he goes to Ben. So does your wife make you pick her songs as your walk-off songs? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Kind of embarrassing that he even plays my music, but whatever. I love him. She walks away. He goes to Ben. So does your wife make you pick her songs as your walk-off songs? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. So I think we know what was going on there. What got weird was they went through a separation, and he was injured. He came back from injury, and they were separated, and he still played her song, which was like – now, that could have been superstition, whatever. But that's the first time that they were like, we're on a break and we're not. I hate that couple. The couple fights publicly and is on a break and not together.

Or you think they're broken up. They come to the party all of a sudden together. After you've been talking shit with your buddy. Yes, that's why you can never talk shit. Never again. Oh, I hated her anyway. And then she shut up at the party. And then it's like, oh, shit, I said some things.

The fucking worst. Well, anyway, they've been trying to fight through you know their troubles they go to a pastor for marriage counseling and the pastor ends up fucking ben's over his wife which is i said like the player hater of the year award like calling in a bomb threat to the special olympics and banging the woman that's seeking out marriage counseling from you pastor pastor i love my husband i need to to stick this out and make it work with him how do i do it bend over girl like what that is so fucked up and the worst part of all let me show you something to bring home to him yeah yeah i'll teach you a couple moves that maybe maybe this will save you he specifically said to to ben's obrist she needs space let her do her own thing and give her some time and while she was you know

when she took that space and did her own thing she was just fucking him which is like and of course i'm one minute man in the internet everyone crushing me. I'm hypocritical. I had an affair. I was not a priest counselor hired to do marriage counseling who then fucked the woman involved. Okay? So fuck off with those comparisons, you assholes. I don't know why the first comparison. It's like a therapist taking on a life insurance policy against you and then being like, just do it.

Just do it. It's exactly what it's like. So here's the thing though. That dude as a pastor and as some sort of pseudo-therapist, he gone. You can't do that. He also was running Ben Zobris

the finances for his charity. Took him for like a lot of money. Took it for like 10 million or something. Also this is what Ben Zobris is suing. So he's suing for the money that he fucked up with the charity. Totally fair.

Yeah. He's saying, I had to take off time for baseball to deal with this divorce. So lost wages. And as a major league baseball player, that adds up to like $8 million. But then he's suing him

for exploiting his power as a counselor to fuck his wife can you sue someone for fucking your wife i don't think so i hope because i think there would be a lot more brother i think i would be involved in a lawsuit right now if you could fucking file a lawsuit against anybody who cheated i did i just don't think it's illegal it's immoral it's fucked up uh if there is some sort of money involved then we can talk I just don't think it's illegal. It's immoral. It's fucked up. If there is some sort of money involved, then we can talk. But I don't think you can be like,

you fucked my wife, I'm suing you. Yeah, no. No chance. Also, would you even do that? I would never do that. Isn't that kind of a chump move? To be like, you fucked my wife. It's a Rappaport move. Yeah.

Yes. I was talking to Ari about it here in our interview. I was like, that's like Rappaport lawyering up when we were talking shit. That's you beat me, I'm calling my dad. Yes. I was talking to Ari about her here in our interview. I was like, that's like Rappaport lawyering up when we were talking shit. That's you beat me, I'm calling my dad. Yes, exactly. It's like it just – It just doesn't – like, you know what? That's probably why she was fucking somebody else because you're the kind of guy who's like, I'm going to lawyer her up.

Putting that on the lawsuit, hopefully that's like a fucking separate one because like if the judge reads like, all right, makes sense. What the fuck? Throw this out. Throw that out. No doubt. No doubt. No chance. You can't sue people.

That just means you picked a slutty wife and a shitty pastor. It's funny that she's like, she makes like, doesn't she make like Christian music and stuff? It's the pastor's like, oh, I fucking love that song. It's always the way, isn't it? Yeah. It's always the people who are most hardcore about the religion or the politics or whatever. You're singing to Jesus. You preach. You can probably recite the Bible left and right, and you're getting dicked down at the fucking rectory.

They had burner phones that the wife of the pastor found and was like, hey, Ben, your wife's fucking the pastor. I mean, just like the grimiest of the grimy. So good luck to Ben's obris i hope he fucking wins this this this lawsuit but yeah right you know come on man all right let's get into thank you for the world series that was yeah i was gonna say that's what i said listen he was the world series mvp nobody could face at the parade it was very funny i'm pretty sure he was the one wearing like it was a camo cut off sleeves i'm sure dude. Went up, gave a speech that no one understood, and everyone was just like, yeah, you're the best.

That's way better than dealing with your wife making you play her music. We'll remember you for that. Let's get into our interview with Ari Shaffir. It's brought to you by Miller Lite. Kickback and open up a cold one right now. Great taste, less filling. I said it on the Kevin Clancy show. I made a huge life change at the age of like 34, 35, 36. I became a Miller Lite man.

That's a radical change at this stage in your life. Usually, as a guy who came up like I came up in the bars very early, drinking a lot, loving sports and beer and all that shit, you get set with your beer by the time you're 35 and you're not changing your ways. Miller Lite came in. They've sponsored KFC Radio. Presenting sponsor of Kevin Clancy's show. They sponsored One Minute Man. They sponsored Friday Night Pints. They're going to get down with Answer the Internet. They said they're down with everything I

do. So I was like, you know what? I got to be down with them. Might get a little bit more than hearing possibly they're coming out with other stuff. I fucking love Miller Lite. Let's go. But then, so I'm like, alright, let's do business. But then I started drinking it and I'm like, wait a minute. Yeah. This is, like, the greatest change of my life, because it's just a better beer. I mean, when Dana switched over, like, I've talked to Dana.

That's how you know. I've talked to Dana off camera, and he's just like, dude, I just started drinking. I'm like, this is way fucking good. Well, it wasn't available to me. You were out there. I drank it your whole life. Yeah, yeah. It was in the Midwest.

Out here, East, it wasn't at the bar. It wasn't at the restaurant. It wasn't at the ballpark. Now, I'm like, oh, if it was there, I would have been drinking it the whole time. This was always Antlin's beer. She fucking always would bring it over. And like once, you know, I got turned 21. This is just what we started.

Yeah. I mean, I fucking wish. I wish it was because now I'm like I'm trying to preach the good word. I think Billy Madison. I'm like, get that Miller Lite. It's only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. So you're not going to get fat on it. And you should always celebrate responsibly. It's only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces, so you're not going to get fat on it. And you should always celebrate responsibly.

It's an overdrink. It's brewed in the Milwaukee Brewing Company from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Miller Brewing Company from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Like I said, only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Go to MillerLite.com slash KFC to find the delivery options near you. Let's talk to Ari.

Oh, yeah. Breaking news. John McAfee found dead in a prison in Spain. Yeah. Oh, shit. When was the last time he was like, he did a hard factor interview recently. Not too long ago. I think within the past year or so.

I mean, he's notoriously been on the run from our government and other governments across the world, I believe. There is no chance. This is also less than a day after he was supposed to get extradited to the United States. Yeah, I mean, come on. He's supposed to get extradited, and you already have a laundry list of people who are coming after you. So I guess it was not the American government if he was supposed to get... Or extradited means you're supposed to come back and pay your charges, right? He was in Spanish prison for like eight months

or something like that, and now was supposed to get extradited here. A cause of death? They said, yeah, I don't know. They just said by suicide at the moment. Yeah, this is as blatantly obvious as an Epstein situation. They're still trying to do that

it was by suicide thing. It's crazy. But you know what? It's not crazy because it works every time. Yeah, true. Because people just go, okay. Or whatever the coroners do. They could say it was by aliens coming down with a laser beam.

And they have a coroner paid off who just goes, yep. Yep, checked. And it's done. No chance. Yeah, he said. He killed himself. In October, he tweeted, I am content here. I have friends.

The food is good. All is well. You know that if I hung myself a la Epstein, it will be no fault of mine. As fucking obvious as it gets, being like, I would not kill myself. Now, I'm sure those people are going to say, that was eight months ago or whatever it was. Anything can change. But pretty fucking obvious that when a guy who has a target on target on his back uh ends up dead it's usually because someone hit that target not because he decided to check out himself so god damn yeah

all right let's do it all right shafir live in the flesh after uh this is day two that we tried it because you overslept yeah i mean i didn't even a noon appointment brother enough listen that's that's still on the early side. That's barely p.m. When do you usually get up? Whatever. It hits me. I don't know.

Yeah. It was funny because we got the text explaining you had overslept and all that. And both John and I, he's not here today, but he was like, honestly, a guy who sleeps through a noon appointment, he's my kind of guy. It's all good. It was like nobody cared. It was like, all right, good shit. I woke up at like 11.15 and I was like, I'm trying not to use my phone until noon.

So I was like, I'm not going to turn it on. As soon as it went on, I was like, oh, fuck. That's why you need to use your phone. Yeah, exactly. I just got to set alarms. What's the deal with that? Just trying to not be a fucking zombie to it? Yeah.

In the morning is like the best time. To be on it? No, to think about stuff. Oh. I find the morning is the best time to do beyond it no to think about stuff oh i find the morning's the best time to be on it yeah for sure that too yeah yeah yeah but then like you don't get any dude it really is the devil like i haven't been sleeping well and i'll roll over at like three and i check my phone and you're fucked and then i see something i'm interested in or some news broke and ordinarily you know 10 15 whatever years, you would wake up, you'd be, you would just like

close your eyes until you fall the fuck back asleep. But now I'm like, okay, I'm kind of ready to go and it's like 345. Yeah.

You know, it's like when it's like six, I can get going. If it's like three, I'm like, I gotta go back to fucking bed.

They don't care about you. They want you tired. No. Dude, what would you say, like how many hours do you do that screen time shit? No,

I limit it. 40 minutes of social media. Otherwise, it goes off. So it'll, like, lock? Yeah. I can still use the phone phone part, but the social media is all done. Dude, I needed that. That was there for a reason.

Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. 40 minutes, man. I got, like, screen time in and out. Yeah, so I got to go in and out, in and out, in and out. Yeah, really? Why are you doing that to yourself? I don't know.

Who are you fooling? Like, you're going to be some sort of fucking non-technological hippie? Get out of here. I still like five hours a day. It's crazy. You ever see a screen time? Yeah, dude. I have like 12 hours.

What? I was doing like 12 hours a day. Don't you have a kid? Yeah. When do you look that way? When I have my kids because I'm divorced now. So I'm like I get them when I get them. So I'm like in full dad mode or I'm in full like, you know, internet fucking smut peddler

mode where it's just like constant between texting, social media. Like I also use my phone a lot to like record. I don't know if that matters or if it's like only, I don't know. I'm just constantly staring at that fucking thing. Yeah. I record crimes on mine. Oh yeah. It's good for that.

Yeah. If you want to self-record a crime, you just have to carry around a big thing. Yeah. Now you got this little pal. Yeah. You fighting crime out there, Ari? Nah, I just want to. I just want to self-record a crime, you just have to carry around a big thing. Yeah, now you've got this little pal. You're fighting crime out there, Ari? No, I just want to get into one. All those guys at Storm the Capitol, they're like, we have fucking phones.

This is perfect. You're going to jail now. It's all fucking documented. You documented your own fucking illegal activity, bro. I wonder if you could track how many likes they got and how many followers they had while they were posting that stuff. If it shot up. That dude, the one dude with the fucking horns and that. I mean, he's the star of the show.

He really is. That was his Super Bowl, because I know he's been around. Black Lives Matter, this protest, that protest. Was he? Yeah, because he's on all sides, so he's been around, but that was his moment. God, he killed it. When you think you're like, we're going to do this, someone's might go, did they ever arrest him? They did, right? I think so, yeah.

But after the fact. It was just that he stood out so much they could track him down. It's like, yeah, you're going to be the star. Yeah, I mean, that guy probably lives in that thing. I mean, think about that. Everywhere he goes, he's got to be like, hey, do you know who I am? No. Put the hat on. Oh, yeah, yeah, that fucking. Number one, think about that. Everywhere he goes, he's got to be like, hey, do you know who I am? No. Put the hat on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that fucking... Number one treasonous of the year. Yeah. The head of treasonous awards. Is that what they went to jail for? Treason? Yeah. That sounds a little harsh, no?

It does, right? I feel like treason, you got to, like, kill somebody. Yeah. Just protesting some shit. They went to jail for, like, being assholes. You guys are just, like, the number one assholes of the year whether you're political like whatever political sides

you're on you're just an asshole for doing all that it's a bit much it's crazy i was gone it was some wild shit man about it it was nuts yeah so you you disappeared right i went to ecuador for a while cover two cover one i went to my parents for a while what do you qualify as one and two early march april may of the last year That's when you're like, it might be end of the world. It might be everyone gets in the clans. Remember that week or two? They're not shutting down New York. And then hours later, like, hey, for sure we're going to shut down New York.

And we're like, what? That's happening. I was in an edible and spun out during that. I was like, we got to get the grocery store right now. I feel like you were kind of skeptical. And then you were like, oh, fuck this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it was like your doomsday bunker type shit right yeah i was coughing on people in the front row at the cellar like there's not serious that shit yeah and then like yeah the comic rudy gobert i love it and then tom hanks was like i got it like oh shit still not dude that was the big moment we all had that at barstool too because over the years, Dave and I and Big Cat, we've done – we did the Ebola scare. We did the SARS scare, the swine – That was a good one. Bird flu. And every time, they were a bust.

Yeah, they were a bust. And so we were like this – I'm not going to get fooled this time. Biggest bust ever. And then that day that it got Idris Elba and Tom Hanks in one day, it was like, oh. I remember Dave being like, it's a big day for Corona. It's a big day. They announced their presence with authority. They are on the scene.

And then obviously from there it went crazy. I also saw with Idris Elba, that's when I first started. Remember everyone was like, we're going to come together for like 10 minutes. We're like, oh, it's a film. Yeah, like a movie. And then when Idris Elba was like, I tested positive for all the people. Oh, I'm so glad the rich can get the tests and we can't. it was like oh we're on each other now instantly man we saw just how quick the world like that walking dead type of movie scene television show that's that's how you couldn't

go outside that's how it's gonna happen people are gonna just turn on each other and murder each other no fucking doubt for sure oh yeah so you bounced to like ecuador you were like in the jungle came back for the summer and then then the winds of change were coming. So yeah, Ecuador. It was great. Yeah, I mean, when you go on these things, you live like the locals, right? You're not in a resort. You're in a fucking hut.

Yeah, sometimes huts. I know there were a lot of Airbnbs and stuff. It would have been hostels, if not for whatever. But we went to the Amazon. That was cool. We stayed with a community there. Yeah, that's what I mean. You do a real authentic, right?

Yeah. I'm going to get dengue. I was going to say, man. A lot of these comedians get gout. You must be fucking gross when you're in the middle of that, huh? Yeah. You got to bring just music festivals. Hand wipes.

Is that all you got? That's all you can do to clean yourself? You know. Are you fucking when you're doing that? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. I fucked in a cemetery out there in like heat, heat. Yeah.

It was so wrong. Like some local chick or what? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Like someone you know? Yeah. Okay. And then it was like.

Don't act like you're above that. Fuck you. No, no, no, no, no. I would not fuck in a cemetery with a local chick. I'd be like, this is a trap for sure. You're not getting me naked in a cemetery with a local chick. I'd be like, this is a trap for sure. You're not getting me naked in a cemetery. That is true. Yeah.

But so you're all gross and you're traveling with, and it's like, let's fuck in the cemetery. Yeah, it was just like, oh. And then people were laying flowers down like on their one year anniversary. Oh, there were people there? Yeah, like right down. They were like, it was a little pot. Was it daytime? Yeah, it was daytime.

You're despicable. Shafir, you're despicable. I don't stand by my actions. Were you fucking like on top of a, on a grave or just like? No, right there by one. Because that's like you're going – you're asking for all the smoke with ghosts and the afterlife and all that shit. But then if your jizz drips down and goes into the grave and maybe that starts the zombie apocalypse. Wow.

Could be tracked back to your cum. Yeah. You could see that where it's like sledly. Like it's much like cum aries. You believe in ghosts and all that shit? No. No? Do you?

I don't necessarily believe in fucking the conjuring type ghosts. But I don't know. I just feel like there's some shit that goes on sometimes that you're like, what the fuck was that? Just like the unexplainable. You know, I don't know. You think those are coincidences ever? That's what I mean. I don't know.

Or sometimes I'm like, nah, something's here. Yeah, yeah. Just like sometimes you hear these stories. It just feels like there's a little too much. But I don't know. They're also just stories, right? Like I did. I watched one of the Conjuring movies. You know those ones?

It's like it's based on a true story with this couple that like does exorcisms for people and they swear it's all real. Did it come back to haunt them? I think no. No, you know what happened? The dude died and then the wife was like, let's make this money. And that's why they made like three of the fucking movies. But they never. No, no, no, no. No, you know what happened? The dude died and then the wife was like, let's make this money. And that's why they made like three of the fucking movies. But they never.

No, no, no, no. I mean the people who did the fake exorcisms. In the contrary. Sorry, go ahead. What were you talking about? No. The movies are fake. Yeah, no, no.

I know that. Okay. Well, I'm just saying they're based on this couple who like they, you know, swear they would find these cases of people and that they were unexplainable. And then it's like I think it was just like schizophrenia or something that they couldn't explain back then. And now we kind of know more about like mental health. Oh, yeah. It's like these are general crazy people. I heard a thing that was like in 1850, the amount of fairy sightings were the same as like 1950 UFO sightings.

Fairy sightings. It was like the same percentage. Yeah. People were like, I don't know. I saw a shadow. They like the same percentage. Yeah. People were like, I don't know, I saw a shadow. They called it fairies. Yeah, I feel like fairies

didn't really have their moment. You know, nobody's big on fairies. They really dropped off. Where do you stand on alien talk? That was all the rage, though, over the last fucking year or so. They're trying to sneak it all in.

I was gone for that story, too. Yeah, well, nobody cared. They were like, they tried to bury it into the Trump story. Nobody cared, bro. Even to this day, even after all the other shit died down,

Trump's out of office. Corona's cooling down. They dropped it right at the right time. Here's my thought. I think that people only care when the government's hiding it. And then the government came out and they were like, yeah, those videos are real. Yeah, there's unexplained material. Yeah, we think it's from another planet.

And everyone was just kind of like, okay. But the minute that if you're hiding it, they're like, you're going to fucking show us. This is a conspiracy. Is that what they said? material yeah we think it's from another planet and everyone was just kind of like okay yeah but the minute that if you're hiding it they're like you're gonna fucking show us this is a you know conspiracy is that what they said they're just unidentified they can't figure out what it is yep they said that they had um materials not of this world what which is flat out like like it was made you know they had that they didn't say what but that means they have something you know a piece of a ship or whatever that said it it had elements and materials that we don't know. Just from the video, they're saying that?

No, that's an unrelated thing. Then the videos, the ones that were like, they have the tic-tac thing that flew in a way that defies physics. They have the one that goes into water. They verified. They're like, those are real. That's our footage. Those are objects that we don't know what they are. What?

Not saying it's extraterrestrial. Yeah. But, and then nobody cares. Nobody cares. Why don't people care more about the Idris Elba story? Yes, absolutely. I don't get it, man. I think it's like we should be talking about that and only that all day.

Because if it's not aliens, then we're fucked. Then that means if the fucking Russians or the Chinese have that shit. It's going to be Chinese. Chinese are going to absolutely eradicate us one day. Absolutely. They've never set their sights on us. No. And the one day that they just flip the switch and they're like, we're going to put the army on you and use all of our Chinese brains to eradicate you.

It's over. If this thing was caused in a lab, I bet the leader of China called Trump and be like, obviously we can do this again anytime we want. We can afford to lose 100,000 and you shut down forever. They could lose 100, thousand like a day. Yeah. And so it's like, we'll just keep doing this at you guys or fucking leave us alone. It's something. I don't know.

Maybe. When you were gone, did you, uh, was there any point where the Amazon thought it was made in the lab? Like, do you think it was made in the lab? Like, I don't know. Like we all think it was here. They might not be wrong. They might not be wrong.

Were you, uh, was there any moment where you were like, this is it. I'm just going to live in the Amazon forever now. Like, it's not going to come back. They might not be wrong. Yeah, I don't know. They might not be wrong. Were you, was there any moment where you were like, this is it. I'm just going to live in the Amazon forever now. Like, it's not going to come back. It's not going to. Yeah, in the beginning, we were like, we might have to stay there. Yeah. And like, I don't know. What were you thinking?

Like, what was going to be your plan? Get a job on the beach. Yeah. Get some money saved up. We'll go, I guess. If it was like, we're talking about like, no more power. Well, not even maybe no more power, but just the idea of idea of like you know the thought of going to comedy clubs and performing that's out the window you know like how are you gonna earn a living yeah i was good go to get a

job on the beach somewhere which is probably what we should just do that anyway man you ever think about that yeah just yeah like i i honestly think i every day i wake up and I curse the fucking fact that I have a loving family. Yeah. Because they're the only thing keeping me around. You'd have to fake your own death. Yeah, that is what's up. Because they make you truly off. And you can watch it a little bit, get a little bit of, you know, get your rocks off because everyone mourns you and misses you.

Yeah, they talk about you. And then if you ever really want to come back, then you're fucking – talk about like a comeback tour. Yeah. People thought you were dead. You would have to really like make yourself look like you were a shipwreck for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd have to have the beard, the hair, the soot. I'd knock a couple teeth out.

Yeah. The whole nine. People would be upset if you're like, no, I just faked it. Like right now, if Tupac popped up. It'd be okay. We'd take him. But I mean it would also just be the most fucking incredible thing ever.'d be the ultimate yeah you know the ultimate play yeah but if he was like yeah I was faking it no but he faked his own death so we all really assumed he was dead

yeah just go away yeah I also think that if you have a reason like I think if Tupac came back it was like they were after they were yeah they were gonna kill me so I had to disappear if you're doing it for the likes and the clout, you're an asshole. But if I had a reason to do it, then I came back. Yeah. That's self-control, by the way, to not – like how – all right, let's say this. Yeah. You fake your death.

Okay. And you pull it off. Everyone thinks you're dead. Yes. Parents is going to be the hardest thing. For sure. But the rest of the comedy community and all your fans everyone's like praising you and missing you

all that shit how like the self control for you to stay gone oh yeah you know like day two I'd want to be like gotcha motherfuckers

but you gotta you gotta wait like until it's the really right time that takes a lot man yeah as soon as I got bored I'd be like I'd want to drop clues

we're not like we're not smart enough to like not no I would tweet I'd be like – I didn't want to drop clues. We're not smart enough to not give little clues. I would tweet. I'd be like, oh, fuck, wait. I wasn't supposed to tweet. Yeah, you'd log in under your old Twitter instead of just following you on your new Twitter. Absolutely. I'd post on Instagram and people would be like, wait a second.

I'd be like, goddammit, I'm supposed to be dead. We should start posting a bunch of like eight years from now tweets and like timing them. There you go. Schedule that shit out. Way past we're dead. They just keep coming back and bothering people. I think the problem – do you think you could disappear like – not fake your own death, but do you think like –

I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it. It's going to be hard. Quick little break. Let me interrupt real quick to tell you about Bare Bottom Clothing. Bare Bottom Clothing is the most comfortable gear in the world, especially right now for the summer where you need a really light shirt. They make long-sleeve tees and short-sleeve tees that are made out of some combination of cotton and spandex and lycra and micromodal and all these other fabrics that just create the most lightweight, comfortable, staple type of T-shirt.

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when you go to barebottomclothing.com code k KFC. That's B-E-A-R like the animal, bottomclothing.com. Use code KFC for free shipping on your first order. Let's get back to it with Ari. Because immediately I'm like, I need cash. Let me take all my money out. It's like, well, now you've used your card and they know where you are. You have to have a go bag almost ready. Oh, disappear like that.

Yeah. Okay. What do you think I meant? I mean like so no one who would know you would know you're somewhere. Yeah. Okay. What do you think I meant? I mean like so no one who would know you would know you're somewhere. Yeah. But if you took out money

they'd be like it's a bad thing. That's what I mean. Like if you you know you got a crime pinned on you or some bad guys are after you

you got to go you got to disappear. Not faking your own death. I guess you could do that if you think that's the best option. Okay. How much money

can you leave with? That's what I mean. I mean you got to have a decent amount to then. disappear immediately or can you go to the bank the next day take out as as much as you can, and then, like, go? Put it on a fucking – Yeah, I feel like – because then it's easier.

If you have a day to get money out, I feel like you're in better shape. But if you don't have cash – Well, if you have $200 lying around the house. Yeah, you're in trouble. Yeah, that's going to be hard. How would you disappear? So you'd have to go to a friend and get their money. Yeah.

But at that point, you're already off the grid. If you're on the subway now and out, you know what I mean? Yeah. You're okay. You can get to their house. Borrow some money. And then what? You can get gone soon.

And then what? I mean, you've got to shave your beard. You've got to do something to change your appearance. You have to get out of the country. Get a bus ticket and go to Canada, go to Mexico. Because even then, your passport, you're going to scan it or whatever. It's going to pop up. Now, that's if the authorities are on your ass.

If just like regular Joe Schmoe is trying to get you, you can get out of the country. And it doesn't matter that your passport. You've got to go quick, get out of New York, and then just hop on a country, wait a night, then hop to a different country. And then you find some local family somewhere to take you in? Yeah, get a job. I'll just work chores around your house. Yeah.

Work at a bar. Gotta be a really like you gotta ingratiate yourself to the local community. You'd have to learn a language. Yeah. You'd have to go somewhere. Like do you have some friends

now in Ecuador that can help you out? Not if I'm hiding from people. They would like have lunch That's the other thing they turn on you in a heartbeat. Yeah, they don't want the trouble. I get it. Right. Yeah. Either that or it's like yeah, I can get the other thing. They turn on you in a heartbeat. Yeah, they don't want the trouble. I get it.

Right. Yeah. Either that or it's like, yeah, I can get some money for turning this guy in. See you later. There could be some of that too. It's a depressed country.

What you need is a community that like, like I said, you really ingratiate yourself to them so they lie when they, you know, they're like, we got to protect Art.

He's one of our own. Yeah. You know, like a little small town. Have you ever heard the story? But no one could find you in a small town. Go ahead. What's the story?

It was a documentary, like a true crime doc. It was some fucking town in like the true middle of nowhere. I think in like Texas. We're talking like 300 total people. And there was like a local bully kind of. Like bad bully. Not just a bully. He's a bad dude.

I think he like raped a couple girls. He would, if you tried to like raped a couple girls he would if you tried to stand up to him he would burn your house down he would just boom flame houses that's like Norway bully yeah and one day

they like the community banded together they had like a community like a town hall thing and they said like Billy you gotta go and it didn't really work and that

the moment after that they all banded together they went and they shot him up fucking killed him and when the cops came everybody like stay quiet they're like I don't know what you're they went and they shot him up fucking killed him and when the cops came everybody like stayed quiet

they were like I don't know what you're talking about and they never like it was all unsolved the problem was gone and to this day the community is still like we don't know what you're talking about

it was like 34 years ago we don't know who shot him yeah like we I think they all said like we I turned around I wasn't looking like I had my back to the

like and they all they used like everybody's guns fired so they couldn't tell what it was. And it was just like, nope. That's the kind of community you got to find. Yeah, right, right, right. You get in there.

And that's, I think that's hard to find these days. Yeah. I did see one place that had, like, it was over a little bridge, over a stream to get into it. And it was just, like, padlock, like, fence. Really? It was like, we're quarantining. Don't come in here. But that felt like walking dead i

was gonna say that's like some who's made in like paint strokes right i almost don't i don't know if i want to be on the inside of that one oh yeah that's that's that's equally scary how long if you were the leader of a of a like a covet type community like we got to keep others out you know how long till you took advantage of your position? 36 hours. I'm the king! I'm your king! No, I don't think I would ever be the leader. Oh, right.

I would just be like, I don't, nah. The responsibility is not for me. Yeah. But I also wouldn't listen to some king either. I'd be like, fuck you, dude. And then what's he going to do, banish you? It's like, then I'm going to overthrow him.

The only way I'd become king is if the current king was an asshole and I'd be like, follow me if you don't like this guy. I like that. I wonder how that's going to go. How about this? You've seen A Quiet Place? You've seen A Quiet Place 2? So tense. I thought it was great

and so tense and also I was like, this is the stupidest thing I've ever watched. There's so many moments I was like, the baby in the box can't have a baby in a box dude come on I wouldn't have put the oxygen in there I mean for real having a baby

in a post-apocalyptic world where you can't have sound is ridiculous you gotta kill it you gotta it's a hard decision A Quiet Place 1 should have been a 15 minute movie

she gets an abortion boom it's over it's the worst that you can do it's the worst have a crying baby. That doesn't understand anything. Oh, you've got to kill it. I know.

I get it. I mean, I immediately pill over the head. It just is what it is. If I was like, come on, let's take you out of the room, Bob. Get her in there. Come on. Yeah, handle it for them. I mean, when she's giving birth in like the tub and the fucking monster.

I mean. No way. But in the second one, you know, she shows up. The husband was like, remember the first one? He was like, take me. I love you. Take me. And then he's like, no, take the baby.

That's the moment. Throw it over there as a baby. She died for us. Name your new community after it. Yeah. There's plenty of – first of all, you can have another one later. Come on. You can always do this again.

There's only one of me. Got to protect the deaf kid and the parents at that point. The deaf kid. I mean, Jesus Christ, the deaf kid. The whole thing was a mess. But in the second one, when they meet the old friend and he's like, you got to protect the deaf kid and the parents at that point. The deaf kid. I mean, Jesus Christ, the deaf kid. The whole thing was a mess. But in the second one, when they meet the old friend and he's like, you've got to move on. There's not enough. Would you be one of those people who's like, I only have a little bit of food.

There's only room for three and I've got my two people. Or would you take – I feel like that's really tough to be a dick to someone in a post-apocalyptic world. It is. Here's what I would be. I'd be like, yeah, you can't stay here. I'm really sorry. You can't stay here. We have really sorry. You can't stay here. We have to,

we have a limited amount and we have to make it through the winter. We've rationed this. I'm so terribly sorry. And if they're like, no, we're going to stay. I'd be like, fuck.

Okay. What am I to do? Yeah. Just really hoping they just say okay. Yeah. How about if you were the one told that?

Told you got to go. Yeah. I'd probably just take it. I'd be like guys they're not going to change their mind clearly i've been thrown out of enough like organizations over my time in hollywood i'm like i get it that their decision is made uh let's move on let's try to find another camp i see it i see your reasoning okay i i would do the same you know sure i understand i'm not happy about it can't blame you uh all right

if i see you on the road i'm gonna try to kill you and sell your stuff that that the the sound monsters isn't interesting because like that um probably in any apocalyptic situation i'd kill myself but the sound thing option because like at least with the other ones you find a little safe haven and you can like fuck and like live out some happiness you know simple but happy like and Frank had awesome

some things you know a view of the canal you think Anne Frank masturbated was she old enough for that for sure yeah

for sure how old was she 14 16 if she's I mean I thought she might have been like 11

I like how you pretend to think about it you're like like you're trying to do the math. Like you're going to arrive on it. Like you're going to figure it out. If she's in her teens, it's for sure. How long was she there for?

Years or weeks? I think it was at least months. A few years, I think. A few years. A few years? She might have fucked. Is what I'm trying to get at. If she went until 16.

15? Oh, she was rounding the bases. 50-50. Yeah. At least handies. It's sad she never got to go all the way if she didn't. When you think about it. Just like, that's probably the worst part about the Holocaust.

Yeah, the amount of people who didn't get laid. That's probably definitely it. She might not have even liked it, but she would have been like, she would have tried it and experienced it and known for herself. Yeah, that's probably number one, Holocaust. Number two, the full genocidal deaths. That's probably two. You can say that, right?

No, I'm allowed to admit that it happened. I was adopted by a group of white revolutionists, and they kind of beat that out of me, but I'm allowed to admit it happened now. They've really come a long way. They're not your granddad's white power people. This is a long way. Would you ever... They're not your granddad's white power people. This is a new shit.

They just want to stick to themselves. Did you ever consider the Austin or Miami escape? Miami. Who went to Miami? Nobody. Who? Andrew Schultz.

Oh, just for a time being. He went for vacation. That was a decent chunk though. Yeah, but that's vacation. He's not relocating. No. Oh, just for a time being. He went for vacation. That was a decent chunk, though. Yeah, but that's vacation. He's not relocating. Oh, he dresses that way now. Portnoy went down to Miami. Who?

Portnoy's at Miami now. Dave Portnoy? Yeah. Wow. He's got a house in Montauk, a house in Miami. He's just ultra rich. Miami sucks. Yeah, I'm not a Miami guy.

Blech. Ugh, the worst people. Yeah, the dressing is funny. You're right. That whole style is like, what the fuck are we doing here? They're bringing back like that but like upscale version of like I'm just fucking hot in Cuban. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. It used to be you'd find that shit at a thrift store for like three bucks and now they've like Gucci'd it. Now it's like silk and it's like $500. They took my fucking beard too and made it into like fucking – They're saying you jacked your whole style? Yeah. Your thrift style. And then they make it nicer. Those glasses I used to wear, you could get those for two bucks and then it became like fucking you know they're saying you jacked your whole style yeah and then they make it nicer those glasses used to where you could get this for two bucks

and then it became like a thousand that's what they all do they take fucking i'm second wave by the way those are people way more fashionable what are we rocking here oh that's right That was me. When you were. Legions King's president. You're no longer the president, right? I am the president. I gave power to Shane until I got back. When I was in the jungle. Oh, that's right. Shane was giving up his power back to you.

That's right. No coup on that side. How long are you president for? How long is the term? A year? Depends. I saw some constitutional changes that aren't even made about term limits. I was going to say. You could become king.

You want to talk about king? Forget about president. You'll just. You'll be the monarchy. That's what the guy did in Ecuador. He threw over the government. He was like, you could become king. You want to talk about king? Forget about president. You'll be the monarchy. That's what the guy did in Ecuador. He threw over the government. He was like, you guys are all out. We're going to get a constitution.

And then he made a four-year term, but start like – he restarted twice in like three years. And he's like, all right, it's four years now. No, no, no, now. Yeah, because now it's a new constitution. Yeah, you should definitely do that and just be king forever. That's a thought. Have you enacted any rules recently? Have you passed any legislation?

No, I've got to get back and get back into it. When did you get back from the jungle? Very end of May. No, no, very end of April. So relatively recently. Yeah, got my fucking shot the next day. Now you're back. Came down with encephalitis the day after, unrelated.

What do you mean, encephalitis? It's like, you get these... No, I'm joking. That's the thing, though. It was entirely possible that you did get these things. Like, if you told me you had malaria, I'd believe it. Encephalitis, Zika, all this shit. Zika, I didn't care about.

That just affects your fucking toe-headed kids. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about that. I mean, if you're trying to convince your girlfriend to get an abortion, and then she's like... And you were exposed to Zika, yeah. Don't worry about that. Yeah. I mean, if you're trying to convince your girlfriend to get an abortion and then she's like, you're like, and you were exposed to Zika, though. If it's even borderline, you were exposed to Zika. You don't want to bring that into this world. Come on.

Yeah. You're doing everyone a disservice. It's going to look like an alien. I saw you've been you announced your tour, right? Yeah. In all sorts of different ways. I'm trying to figure out a name. Yeah, so I'm going to read a couple of them here, and you can explain some of them.

This is my most deteriorating thing that's going on in my life right now. This is the Ari Shaffir anxiety-ridden time bomb of self-loathing tour with Big Jay Oakerson. That's just the episode. That's not the tour. Yeah, yeah. The Ari Skips Austin tour, kicking off in Hartford and skipping Austin because I won't simp for comedy, and also I may or may not fornicate with dogs tour. Listen, I said you guys can name my tour.

That was the tour name for a bit. It was a very well-done Photoshop and a great name, and I was like, that was the tour. What was it again? The Ari Skips Austin? Ari Skips Austin Tour, the tour, kicking off in Hartford and skipping Austin because I won't simp for comedy, and also I may or may not fornicate with dogs tour. Kicking off in Hartford and skipping Austin because I won't simp for comedy, and also I may or may not want to get with Dawg's tour. Yeah. So, Bert Kreischer, I know, has a new grilling with cheese tour.

Like, shit like that. Yep. So, this is my tour. We got the Ari Shafir riding Joe Rogan's coattails tour. Yeah, I did have to rename to the Ari Shafir rides Joe Rogan's coattails tour for a while because that came in. That's just a fact. Yeah.

Right? That's just a simple, solid photo shot. The Ari Shafir guzzles cum from buckets of cum that are filled with cum and he swallows so much cum that he has to go get his stomach pumped

because the doctors have decided it's an unhealthy amount of cum guzzling and swallowing tour 2021. Guys, come see me in a city near you. Hartford, Pittsburgh, all sorts of places. What was...

That tour is coming at you. How old are you? Right now? 47 years old what was the uh what was the are you really yeah i don't know if i i guess you're one of those dudes you could have told me like 57 37 yeah what was the urban legend when you were growing up of like who needed to get their stomach pumped because of too much gum oh wait because i've heard the gerbil we all know well gerbil and richard gears Gere's ass, yeah. Who got this stomach bump?

Was it Bon Jovi? It might have been Bon Jovi. That what? Needed to get a stomach bump? I'm too much calm. Oh, I've always at least heard it was a girl. You've heard it was a guy? Yeah.

See, because when I was growing up, it was Lil' Kim. No, it was a guy, for sure. Lil' Kim. Lil' Kim was on the Bad Boy Tour. You're younger than me. And then. It was around before Lil' Kim. And then, that's why, That's interesting because then after me is Britney Spears. How'd he get her?

But you're saying Bon Jovi? That's not... Somebody Google this. No fucking way. Was it Rod Stewart? What? I've heard Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart was probably before Bon Jovi. Maybe. Could be. That's... I didn't know this originated with guys. I always thought this was a female. And then he was gonna refuse

it with how to cut his stomach open to get it out. Just guzzle it out. Now, it could be that it wasn't about one guy. It could be that many sluts of both sides are getting their stomach pumped from guzzling cum. You think that that can – I don't know. It's either urban legend or tons of people are doing it. Like to me that either – yeah, it has happened.

You think so? Well, it's either happened and that's why it's like you can be like – it happened to some girl we went to high school with, but we're going to say it happened to this fucking Tom Stewart. It would be the other way around. Or it's – You would say it about – people would say it about their high school friends. After it happened to a famous person.

Yeah. Yeah. I heard it happened to Margaret Tadalbucci. You know, something like that. Yeah. But I think – or like could you imagine being there's one guy out there who's like i started that fucking joke about getting your stomach pumped because of coffee oh i thought you were gonna say i fucking made that guy get his stomach pumped

it could be that i just imagine if you had the last load yeah it was like like tom segura loads the magic load where yeah like the straw that broke the camel's back. There's one more drop and the person's like. And just like caves under the fucking weight. I also feel like you would just puke a lot before you need your stomach pumped, you know? Yeah. Imagine that much cum coming back. How do you explain that? Like insurance.

Or do you just bite the cost on that? Yeah, that one. You know when they do these sex send me to the ER stories? Uh-huh. No. Like I would. You know what it would take for me? Shove yourself up your butt? Yeah, like to go to the hospital and be like, yeah, you got to get that remote control car out of my asshole.

I'd be like, that car is sitting in my asshole until I die. Criminals abducted me and shoved me out of my ass. Yes. You got to either have a good story or – First, you're trying yourself. Yeah. You're spending a while trying yourself. Let's say you've got Pick an object

What's stuck in your ass? Cell phone No that's giant No way That's fucking giant One of those Hot Wheels You got a little loose ass? One of those Hot Wheels

See the problem is I feel like the Hot Wheel You could push until you get it out Oh right So it's gotta be something Oh you're saying something that can't come out Yeah that's the problem A shoe

A shoe's a little too big Now you know We're Goldilocks here We gotta find something in the middle How about that Is that a Barry Boneya Barry Bonds Yeah, that's the problem. A shoe. A shoe is a little too big. Now, you know, we're Goldilocks here. We've got to find something in the middle. How about that? Is that a Barry Bonds? Who's that? A bobblehead.

You want a bobblehead in your ass? A bobblehead, yeah. Because one, if you get it out, the things are bobbly. So they're not on there tight. So if you push it out the wrong end, it's going to pop off. Yeah. Then you're going to have a spring. Then you're in trouble.

You don't want the spring in your ass. I just can't. If you get a bobblehead stuck in your ass. I'm going to the hospital. How long do you try by yourself first? Like an hour or like a full night of trying? No, I'd be afraid of rolling over on it. Yeah, you can't go to sleep.

You can't be like, I'll try in the morning. Yeah, I am a stomach sleeper, but... To go to the... And then how do you get there? You got to waddle in with your you got something sticking out of your ass or is it totally calling the ambulance i'm going all expense paid on this yeah so i'm not trying to be like it's only five blocks away normally even if i might cut a finger off i'll just run with the finger are you just calling like i feel like

i would try to call like ah like a guy that i know like a resourceful guy like i i got a lawyer who's a pretty good lawyer who i'd be like, I need a dude who takes care of things quietly. He knows people at the emergency room who's going to like get me in the back door. But keep in mind, you're sweating of a cold sweat. Oh yeah, you're freaking out. Oh my God. You're not thinking clearly.

I might die. I might die. You're like, I just got to get this thing out of my ass. Yeah. That's also my main fear is that I would just pull on this thing until I like rip my guts out. And like hook onto something. Absolutely.

And yank it out. I'd have somebody tie something to the car and pull it out of my ass. What three items would you take with you on your way to that car from the house? I've got a bobblehead in my ass, and I need to pick the three things I've got to have. I say number one, and then I'll hit it to you. Bite stick. Something to bite down on in case this gets the worst case. Number two, jar of Vaseline. Jar of Vaseline. Grab it to you. Bite stick. Something to bite down on in case this gets like the worst case. Number two. Jar of Vaseline. Jar of Vaseline.

Grab that for sure. Grab that. Yeah. Three. So do you remind you of home maybe? Yeah. I was going to say my blankie. Yeah. A blankie would be nice for sure. My favorite book. I think

I'm doing like a disguise or something like a hat, a hoodie I think that's a pretty solid list that we just came together with oh you know what, booze I would grab a bottle of liquor on the way out bite stick, Vaseline, bottle of vodka I'm getting drunk edibles, I would get edibles

I just learned about poppers I didn't know about it, it felt great I had no idea that was a thing until recently gay pride they're celebrating gay culture yeah man poppers i saw a description of a gay pride party that's going on this month that was like yes poppers will be available like like fucking party favors you walk in the door and they're like here you go here your popper days go for It said shirts are required, which that's great. It's like, come on, guys. We've got to at least have shirts on this time and unlimited poppers for the evening.

By the way, there's no way shirts are going to stay on. No chance. No fucking shot, man. So, yeah, but Austin. Oh, this was the other one. This was my favorite of the tours. Let's see. Ari Shaffir doses everyone after people felt angry the last time he did it to a guy who

made his fame off of a true story where he robbed his classmates in Russia tour. Hey, guys, it's on you, Internet. It's on you. It's on you to name my tour. If it's a funny one and a decent Photoshop, my tour dates, comedically, I have no choice but to honor it with a post. Is the – The Holocaust tour? I don't know if that one I posted yesterday.

Holocaust, yeah. I saw the – fuck, what was it? The Eliminate Juice tour? I don't know if that one I posted. Holocaust? Yeah. I saw the – fuck, what was it? The Eliminate Juice tour? The Eliminate Juice tour. Yeah, that was a good one. There's a few I won't post. There's a few I could have taken down. I've already got a warning from Instagram.

I can't believe you're still on. You're done with Twitter, right? Done with Twitter. Dumpster. Could you be on it if you wanted to? Or you aren't? Like they're done with you? No, I could be on there.

Right. They kicked you off a couple times, but you could come back't like they're done with you or you're done with them no I could be on there right they kicked you off a couple times but you could come back yeah yeah yeah but you're just done crazy to me because I think of Twitter as the wild west

I can't believe you're still on Instagram but you're not on Twitter but I guess why is it the wild west what do you mean you play with the rules yeah it's crazy there

Instagram no both of them I think the rules are stricter on Instagram than on Twitter really why what can you do what can you do

in one and not the other? Like on Twitter, you can post porn. There's like – you know what I mean? Like Instagram is like you show a nipple, you're gone. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It is a problem. Sometimes where it's like, yeah, my bottom of my ball is out.

Yeah. And although you got the boot, I feel like – Equatorially, it pulls more too. Yeah, well. Yeah, I get the boot all the time. You got long balls? For dumb shit, but I get booted off Twitter also for fucking dumb death threats that weren't real. Yeah, that was particularly stupid.

So it's like... And it was just a fucking fire dump of negativity. Yeah, I mean, it's the worst thing in the world. Yeah. And I feel like a full-blown addict to it, where I'm like, why do I do this? Why can't I just quit? Your mood just changes on that. It does.

It's crazy. And Barstool put all of our eggs in the Twitter basket, unfortunately. And it's like, so now I can't quit it but like Instagram's so much more valuable too it's like fucking artichoke pizza where they did good pizza for like a year or two

and then the fucking oh the artichoke pizza's good and then it's just been trash for a fucking year it's a great comparison yeah and nobody knows they're like no you gotta

it's good for when you're drunk like you're remembering a different artichoke yes it's not the same anymore that Twitter is gone it's not like check out this brand new place.

I love when people say, if you weren't on here, in 2012 and 2013, Twitter was the best, but now there are people like, 2014, 2016, it just keeps going. But the original,

like 2012, it was fucking awesome. I was at a music festival, Sunset Shit Music Festival, and I just tweeted, because I was with some friends. I was like, I wanted to see somebody

at the fucking cat club. And then they were like, oh, Ari's in friends. I was like, I wanted to see somebody at the fucking cat club. And then they're like, oh, Ari's in there. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it used to be useful. It used to be cool.

It was fun. And now it's like, it's a fire dump. Just like, what's it called? What the dicks came out? What's chat roulette? It was like,

what a fun idea. Ah, shit. Never mind. The emotional dicks all came out to Twitter. It's done. It's over. Get out of there.

Just run out of there. Well, that's what really, I think the lesson there is like, if you give humanity something cool, we'll's over. Get out of there. Just run out of there. Well, that's what really I think the lesson there is like if you give humanity something cool, we'll ruin it. We will ruin it. Here's a great idea that's super useful. You're taking your dick out. Or you're metaphorically taking your dick out on all these things.

And it's fine for those people who want that, but the people who don't, like there's no way I can be on here and not get that shit. Absolutely. You can't just be like... Like the people who are on there who just tweet positively and like have a good. Yeah. What the fuck is this? Give me a break.

Did you get any social media problems from the Kobe joke? Was that a tweet? Or was that a. Tweet, yeah. Did they. I mean I know you got blowback but they didn't care about that. See that's what's weird. It's like. They would never post their shit that didn't.

Like on Twitter too unless it was like a really like inflammatory thing or nudity or something like that. Like no one would see. If you just did it straight, like I'll be in these seven cities. Like no one would even see it. Right. You got to like. And then it's like, what am I on here for? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How bad was the Kobe blowback for you? Was there like tangible blowback? Not really. Like nobody, did anybody drop you or fire you or anything like that? Not for that. Not even for any moral reasons. Not for that. They were getting death threats.

My manager started getting death threats at home. Because of your Kobe joke? Yeah they called a lady And they called a girl And said we know where you live We're gonna come fuck you up Because you represent the dude who They're a trash fucking fan base

Yeah Everyone knows that I proved it Easily The Lakers fan base Garbage fan base They defend the worst things So clearly and obviously

Oh when they get bad All the fucking banners go away Trash group And I proved it over and over again with your fucking threats they are garbage standing ovation from you why do you hate the lakers so much i just these are ruined comedy shows every time it's specifically lakers fans yeah every time they go to the past second game three up to nothing uh in the road coming home game three for the first round when they're a fucking number one seed no one will go out so you have these comedy shows that just be empty because the Lakers were scheduled

that day and none of them cared fuck the Lakers every time they were bad all the banners came down worst fan base they're just fucking fucking bandwagon I had no idea this is actually a comedy fuck them fuck the Lakers no I get the yeah they're for sure like you know dick riders who like,

you know, they just, like you said, fair weather. But I didn't know it was all because of Comedy Club. That's right. Kobe died never having

seen you gone back to the playoffs. Enjoy that. No one respects your last title. That was an AAU fucking let's rest all our fucking old people

and then win a title. No one respects that title. In the world, nobody respects that title. Darts champions have more fucking credence than that so you still have not won a championship in how long like a fucking since obama was getting re-elected you guys suck you guys suck bandwagon fucking buy your team uh well i i mentioned it

before but i don't think i got your answer would you you said no to miami no no thought of going to austin no i don't. Early on when it was like... Rogan had people hypnotized for a minute. They were drinking the Austin Kool-Aid. Tim Dillon went. Segura went. That would be cool. I like what he's going to do there.

I think Segura's like, they're there. I don't really know. Didn't cross your mind? I feel like... No, I mean, I don't really know who's gone places. I don't know who's gone where. I feel like those are, I mean I don't really know who's gone places. I don't know who's gone where. I feel like those are the three. Yeah.

Rogan, Tom, Dylan, Schultz were the four. Dylan, I heard, moved back. Yeah, Dylan bounced. He's like, never mind. Fuck it. I'm making too much money. I don't care. Yeah.

Also, the dudes have to be far hotter in LA. I would have certainly imagined. Yeah. Like, who is – It's just the aesthetic. Who does Tim want to fuck austin you know there's no way tim that guy tim in the gay community winds up very often with someone else who looks like tim those are they go opposite yes they absolutely do yeah 100 i also think though like there's just uh

i i kind of hate it here yeah definitely here but i'm also never leaving i love new york yeah i thought when they said new york was never going to open that first like like month where it's like I kind of hate it here. I definitely hate it here. But I'm also never leaving. I love New York. Yeah? I thought when they said New York was never going to open, that first month where it was like, oh shit, that might never come back there. And Texas is doing stand-up. Okay, I could probably do it there. Yeah. I thought of maybe. Do you love New York because of comedy?

Comedy. It's electric. If you weren't a stand-up comedian. There's fucking artists around. Yeah. Everything's happening. You just run by a – walk by a fucking art show. Where do you live now?

Jersey? No, I'm in Mount Vernon it's fucking far that's where I got my dog it's not great no but it's just like

fucking fun here you just walk outside you're depressed you walk outside it just fucking takes you over street performers I think you walk outside

you get more depressed that's it I think that's kind of you see some dudes like yeah I was gonna say I walk outside I see needles in the arm and shit coming out

of their asshole. Yeah. Literally, you see that. I saw on the way here. I saw a fucking roped off police thing with a splatter, dude. Awesome. Electric. Jumper.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you think it was a jumper? It had to be. Or a pusher. Because it looked like they had, like, what looks like law and order detective cops there. Wow. Dude, my dad used to run the entire state building.

And he used to deal the state building and he used he has to deal with jumpers no and like you know you think uh you jump off a building and you hit the pavement but the empire state building has that shape and and there's so no but it's not even that it's just like you jump off of like let's say uh the 80th floor you hit like on like 50 so it's just like nobody sees it like my dad had to go up there and just see somebody that was literally he said he was watching people like like spray away the blood i think it's only been one person whoever he got like a gust of wind and he got to the street he won which is crazy because i mean if you jump from like really high yeah he made it to the final

boss yeah the pavement he was the best yeah he was also on the yeah but i remember yeah my dad's supposed to deal with like hate uh number one dude hvac you know he's doing like security and engineering and heating and ventilation and making sure all the the space is rented out and then and then the occasional fucking dead body splattered from a jumper have fun with that fucking night like that day you think anyone just falls no they gotta get up i think so and then the windows are pretty like if you do, it's not, it's not some Eric Clapton shit What's an iconic way to go, though? Jumping off the Empire State Building?

You'd have to make it. If you're going to kill yourself, how would you do it? That's a good one. Jump off the building? Yeah, it's finally easy. Like, a prominent building? And not that much. But that's the thing, I guess what I'm saying, you're not, you hit the fucking, you know,

it's not like you have some grand exit, it's just like. The guy who tried to jump off the Hyatt next door to the comedy store and hit the comedy store steve lubeck and fell short by 30 yards like halfway between the two and had to know as because it goes like that right yeah you don't go like that right and had to know as as like the beginning of the arc like oh i'm not even oh not even yeah no way when you when you have you ever like you ever thrown a ball off of something and you realize how far? Yeah. It's like, oh, never mind. No, it was like 500 feet away.

Not even close. We had a dude here who swore he could throw a football 60 yards, and he tried to air it out, and he threw it like 20, 25. It would fail horribly. Yeah, oh, it was the best. I mean, he swore up and down. It ruined his career here. This was like 10 years ago. He was never seen again. But, he swore up and down. It ruined his career here. It was like 10 years ago.

He was like never seen again. But, yeah, people get confident with their abilities. Big Jay lost the bet that he could beat Luis Gomez in a basketball game 21-0, he said. And Luis, like, there's no way that'll happen. You can't be 21-0. And is Big Jay like a baller? Sort of, just big. But Luis just never plays.

And what was the score? Luis won 1-0. No. Oh, you just needed to pass it away. That's over? It was over instantly. He lost as bad as he could lose. We had that almost as well here.

We had a dude who, like a production guy, he runs like all the, he's like the head of production. Bigger fella, out of shape now, against one of our younger bloggers and he goes he goes i'm gonna beat you the old time he goes yes exactly he goes i think he said 21 nothing as well he goes i'm gonna back you down in the paint 17 times and i'm gonna hit four jumpers and he ended up he ended up losing like it was it was more of a battle but they we did a pay-per-view of it yeah and it was like the worst display of basketball you've ever seen.

And it was like all of us were watching like, oh, no. Oh, no. This is just ugly. This is an ugly scene. But, yeah, people who have – you have your 35 or 45-year-old body, and you have your 18-year-old mind. That's how you end up cigar-ing yourself. And what happened to Philip Seymour Hoffman? You can't go back to your old dosage.

You're not that guy anymore. Cigar's body was the same as Philip Seymour off his brain. Yeah. Segura just overdosed on confidence. He didn't even jump. He didn't jump and come down. His legs turned to jelly. He got cursed by a wizard. But listen, right before that, he threw down on nine feet.

That's pretty fucking good. Did he really? Yes. He hurt himself on nine feet, three inches. Because they said, let's crank it up a little bit. He powered through? Yeah. I wonder if I could even dunk on 9 feet 3 inches.

I mean, that's close to 10, man. Did you ever dunk for real? No. At my best, I could grab the rim and I used to get off. If I could dunk, dude, I would never do anything but dunk. I would just go outside all day, hang out in the park and dunk. Hey, watch this, guys. Bam.

Hey, girls, watch this. Bam, I can dunk. I think it's the single greatest, hang out in the park and dunk. Hey, watch this, guys. Bam. Hey, girls, watch this. Bam, I can dunk. Yeah. I think it's the single greatest. I could dunk for like three months. Really? I took one of those sport magazines, those back,

we have a course, 12 and a half inches higher in just 10 short weeks. Did it work? Yeah. Within like six weeks, that was done. Did you wear the shoes?

No, it wasn't the waffle shoes. I had those. Those were expensive. This was like a $10 and it was just like some sprint walk, sprint walk. How old were you? 18.

Yeah, at your peak. Yeah, I was catching up to point guards when I was on the fucking breakaways. It was nuts. Now, not even close. I still remember that guy. Was this like you're playing in high school? I was in there somewhere. I ever after high school, Yeshiva League in seminary in Israel.

So you played a bunch of Jews? Mm-hmm. Rocking shots in half court. I was going to say, you must have been the fucking man. Dude, I was such a cunt even back then. Even in the Yeshiva League basketball, I'd write these burn notes because I blocked a lot of shots. They did not jump much. That was my specialty.

And I'd write these burn notes. You'd just slot them? Yeah. And then I'd take out a burn note from my sock and it would be like, hey, your team. You would keep notes in your socks? I would give them to them. Like nine a game. Uh-huh.

And it says, your team is starting to get mad at you. That would be one. And then just like whatever would be in there. It's like, I won't talk shit until the ball lands. People are like, what is this? I just prepared a bunch of blue notes. Middle of the game. Yeah.

As soon as it blocked, it went out of bounds. Or if it stayed inbounds and it was like, as soon as this play would end, I'm like, hey, I just got this for you. It was so bad. Hey, remember that back in the other night on the court? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah.

That's one of the greatest moves I've ever heard. That was great. People were so angry. Is that an Ari Shafir original? I don't think I've ever seen that. Maybe it's the origin story. It might be the origin story. Yeah, that's where it all began.

I don't know. Maybe. The cockiness, the attitude. One last word from our sponsor here on the Ari Shafir interview. It's brought to you by CrossNet, the game of the summer. It's the game of the summer. If you're out there, if you're sick of playing the regular lawn games if you're sick of being uh you know lazy and not really getting out there and playing

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Winner plays on. Yeah. And we would just dominate. We were so good. We had played when we were growing up. Wow. And we got to Israel. So we made business cards.

The Lazy Boy Champions were the Lazy Boys. That was our fucking name. And then we'd like sign it. Just dominating the Israeli Jews. We'd like sign it. We're like, hey, if you have any lessons, let me know. Wow. And we'd have one guy just take a break.

Like fourth quarter, we were up by so much. We'd just catch fire and then up by so much. You were playing two on two and one guy would take a break? Yeah, I was like, hey, go get the cards out. I'll just play from here for a while. These guys won't be able to do anything. And you'd have one guy just standing there. How old are these guys?

Your age? Our age? Older. Either way, losers. Doesn't matter what their age is. They're losers. Never lost. Would you play any Americans?

It was only locals. Yeah, of course. Americans too. And you would dominate them as well? Jerusalem fucking, yeah. Wow. I mean, I'm thinking like, remember. Dominate.

As a team. T.O. had the Sharpie or one of them, Chad Johnson. Somebody pulled the Sharpie out. Yeah, T.O., I think. And Joe Horn, I think, once had the cell phone. Like, people have had planned props. But I don't think I've ever heard of personalized shit-talking notes in the sock. Yeah, ready to go.

This is also, what year was this? Like, 92. 92 would have been. You're the dream team, bro. You're coming over from America and just dominating the Israelis. It was right then. Yeah. I mean, I started one of these, the hero.

Yeah. The goat, you know? Yep. No. He could really move that thing. It was a fucking natural, dude. It was so long. That shit was TikTok-ing.

No. I feel like. That was great. Could you imagine you're playing the. First of all, the fact that none of them – do they ever just fucking hack you? Just like flagrant foul, just like fuck this guy. I'm thinking about it. I better hope I don't complete it.

And one, bitch. I feel like by the time you pull out like your seventh or eighth – I had a sick drop step. I had surprising outside range and a sick drop step. I can see you being good at ball. You got the frame for it. They're calling travels. Yeah, at 6'3", I was a center in Jewish League.

These fucking Jews, Ari. Yeah. These Jews call travel. No one who saw from the outside saw it was a travel. It was just the guy who got beat. They're like, there's no way you could have taken steps like that around me. Down around me. It's a quick step around them.

You must have been cheating. Almost hooked them, jujitsu style. Oh, the hook. And then push them off. Yeah. If I was on the court and like, I see a couple notes come out.

Yeah. If I'm like the seventh note, I'm like, how many fucking notes does this guy have? I would have 12, 15 ready to go. Holy shit.

I average like eight or nine blocks a game. They were really just like layups without getting off the ground. How did you, like which team did you get drafted by of somebody?

Yeah, we had like Insham arrows and then we had like Shiva versus Shiva. Those were big. And Chaim Zach kind of taught me that's when he taught me the first. He just passed it low. Were you like a rock star? No, they didn't really have those in Yeshiva.

It was all about who did the most praying. There were no chicks just coming over like, oh my god, I heard you put up 38 against the fucking Yeshiva beast squad. I'll suck your dick. No, it was kind of against the point. I'll suck your dick. No. It was kind of against the point. I guess so.

That makes sense. What do you think about this dude, Carl Nassib? He's the first NFL, the guy who came out of the closet, first active NFL player. Really? Come out as gay. When was that? Yesterday, two days ago. No way.

Signed. He was a third-round pick by the Browns. He's playing? Signed. Because the other guy came out, but they were like, you're actually never going to see his name. He's not good. Right. So that's the big difference here.

He just signed a $25 million deal. Three years. So he's going to get snaps. He's a legit player. Yeah. Good enough, at least. And he made a video. Snaps and new poppers?

Snap and poppers. Yeah. I feel like he made an Instagram video. He's like, I just want to come out and say that I'm gay. I made a donation to this foundation that helps stop suicide. And I hope that one day we don't have to do these videos where anybody has to come out. But, yeah, I'm the first guy. Wow.

Whoa. It's going to be interesting, though. I don't think anybody's going to care anymore in football. I think so. I think you all. I think that you're. The average lifespan of football is three years. So who is getting into it in 2018 and was like, fuck that.

Bro, there's some good old boys all around the world who still definitely – Alabama always dominates. That was a big reaction. There was a lot of people saying, this is not a big deal. And I think that's because we live in New York and we're people who are not a big deal. I get what you're saying. I bet every single agent, if what you're saying is right, every single agent is calling their guy. I'm like, listen, dude.

I'm telling you. You can think whatever the fuck you want to think about it. Don't you fucking say it. You are done if you say it. Yeah, do not say that F word. think whatever the fuck you want to think about it. Don't you fucking say it. You are done if you say it. Yeah, do not say that F word. Say anything else. They're going to bury you. Don't be the first one. You can be the third one of other two. That's so true.

Just don't be the first. Even if you don't believe it, people are going to say it because they're shit talking. Don't say it. Go with anything else. And the fans. Call them the Nword first before that. Do not.

There's going to be a power struggle right now. There is. Which slur is the big one now that this guy came out? Watch out. You know what I hope? I wish there'd be an avalanche. It'd be very funny if like 70% of the NFL was gay. Could you imagine that?

If just the craziest anomaly ever that the majority of football players were all gay. Were you too? It's like, yeah, why do you think we all get into this? Like once you find out all actors are gay and you're like, oh, right. It's like, this is where we do it. This is why. We play ball, and we fuck. That'd be great.

And they're all, like, finally feel, like, safe enough to come out. It'd be amazing. Well, it turns out 89% of the league is gay. Who knew? And then Mike Piazza's like, I'm gay too. He's like, shut up, idiot. Shut the fuck up. We knew.

Fuck off. You had your chance. That was one of the weirder either urban legends or – Mike Piazza's gay. But that he was fucking Sam Champion, the weatherman. Do you remember Sam Champion? I know the name. He was the New York weatherman.

Get it up. Yeah. Can we pull it up? Do we actually have – can we put that up there? I would love to put Sam – No way. No, we probably can't. Sam Champion was like the local weatherman and I can't decide what's funnier is if it was true or if it's an urban legend.

How do you fight a legend like that? Don't worry about it. It's fine. It's fine. If you're on that side of it, how do you be like, hey, I need to end this fucking rumor. Right. It's not even close to true. I met him once.

Joe Buck. There's a rumor that he fucked Fernando Tatis. I'm Joe Buck and I like to fuck. That he fucked Fernando Tatis. Really? And it's just like totally made up, but it kind of stuck for some reason. Joe Buckethead. There he is.

That's Sam Champion. Imagine Mike Gossel fucking that guy. That's how he won him over, that first look. I can't decide what's funnier, is if he was. If you're like the star catcher in New York, and you're like,

all right, I'm going to fuck Sam Champion, or the fact that someone would make that up. Could you imagine? If I just spread a rumor that you were fucking Lonnie Quinn, that guy is the one who rolls his sleeves up. Ari Shafir is fucking Lonnie Quinn. And it just stuck and the whole internet believed that?

I doubt they would. I bet Mike Piazza said that too. Metzger has a theory that those rumors only stick because they're true. True, yeah. The ones that stick. Like if you started a ridiculous rumor about you, I don't know. You had an earlier wife and you killed your child. People were like, it just wouldn't stick.

That's just not possible. Yeah. Nothing corroborates it ever. But any of the ones that are true, you'll get somebody to go like, there's a reason why. Ask me about it. So you think that Richard Gere puts gerbils in his ass? 100% true. That one is just too weird.

Everyone knew about it. I also don't get that. What is that? Like, that feels good? It feels great. I've done it a few times. Wouldn't it rip up your asshole? It does, and that's part of the joy of it.

Yeah, it completely destroys what's in there. You'll never have ass kids. You'll have to have a dribble up your ass. What about, there's a story. That one's true. Whoever the cum guzzling, I'm starting to think. Yeah, that's got to be – like somebody. I don't know if it was Lil' Kim, Rod Stewart, fucking Britney Spears or – what was yours one?

What was yours? Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi. But somebody had too much cum in their stomach. I believe the Marilyn Manson one. But isn't it just like – That one seems totally plausible. Marilyn Manson, what happened?

Removed two ribs so he could suck his own dick. That seemed plausible. Like – Yeah, the money and it seemed like the need. That one seems totally plausible. Marilyn Manson, what happened? Removed two ribs so he could suck his own dick. That seemed plausible. Like, yeah. And if it wasn't true. It seemed like the need. If it was fake at the time, I bet Marilyn was like, good idea. Yeah. Good idea.

He was also probably like, let that rumor go. Yeah, yeah. That's good for the brand. I feel like you do a lot of yoga and shit. I feel like you could suck your own dick. Oh, for sure. I have many times. It's not rewarding.

Really? Yeah, at the end, it ruins it. If you really could, would you? No, I could not. it ruins it if you really could would you no i could not and i don't think no i would once you for sure once once yeah i mean i feel it out i feel it out it's like jerking off man how much harder though harder but you're not better you're not you're assuming you're gonna get like if if this is the the body the dick's down here you're bending how would you do it what do you mean how wait this is important how would you suck your own dick if you could if you could suck your own dick i only you do it what do you mean how wait this is important how would you suck your own dick

if you could if you could suck your own dick I only could think of one you mean standing up maybe would you stand up and try to bend over I would I feel like

would you lay on your back and throw your legs over your head you were going to stand up and bend over no I wasn't going to do that what were you going to do I was going to like sit down

like on a couch okay but you still were going to go head down to dick head down yeah not so I said that here I said that I would just try to on your back on your back even Like on a couch Okay but you still were going to go Head down to dick Head down Yeah not So I said that here I said that I would just try to

On your back On your back even But then I got shamed For people saying No you lay on your back And you try to throw your legs over your head And so then you You push your dick

Into your mouth That's why I thought about bending over Because then you can just bob If I'm laying on the floor Then what You gotta go You gotta fuck your own mouth With your dick somehow

Yeah you gotta fuck your own mouth I got shamed. Yeah, you got to fuck your own mouth. I got shamed like crazy. They were like, that's – No, I want to fuck somebody's face. I want to fuck my face. You want to fuck your own face? Yeah, I don't want to get – I don't want to –

Yeah, I don't want to get fucking – I feel like you got to just – Dick shove my mouth. – on that shit. Either way, if you could do that, I guarantee you wouldn't leave the house for a few days. Yeah, it'd be some experimentation. One time.

Yeah, fucking right. And also shame. And then once you realize like, oh my God, what have I become? And then realize, like, as soon as the first thought creeps in, like, but will you be doing that again? It's just the thought that maybe. Definitely. Then the shame would come deeper. And then I'd do it again.

And then I'm like, why can't I stop? When people are like, yo, man, you want to go out? And you're like, no, I'm going to stay home and suck my own dick tonight. There'd be a lot of that. So here's my question, though. So regardless, however you're going, back dick towards you, you towards dick. Do you think – do you see yourself getting like – let's say this is your midsection, right? And you come over like that.

Do you see yourself getting like – could go to there if you needed to? Or do you see it like stretching at the end? Yeah, no. I think you're getting bad head for yourself. You're not like deep-throating your own dick. You're getting like the tip. So it wouldn't be great. Even if a couple, like you get a. You're getting like the tip. Yeah. So it wouldn't be great. Even if a couple, like you get a little more.

But like you're not – right, it wouldn't be great. No. I would give myself a very bad head. But it's better than like not getting head from yourself, I think. But is it better than masturbating? Probably not. That's what I'm saying. Because I give myself a great handjob.

I think I would give great head and I definitely do give a great handjob. I've seen your panic room. The whole setup. You know what? Here's the number one reason I maybe wouldn't suck my own dick. Yeah. I have an irrational fear of like – Irrational fear.

Of one day getting like strapped into a lie detector test somewhere. And they'd ask you that question. And they'd ask me and then I'm like, fuck. No, you'd have to own up to it. You'd have to own up to it. You'd have to be like, I'm the guy who sucks my own dick. And like, I want to destigmatize this. Yeah.

It's fine. I'm the leader. No one should be upset about this anymore. I don't know how big of a community that would be, but I'll be the leader of it. I went on Skanks six months ago and it was right the day after they brought out their lie detector test, their polygraph. And I was like, I'm telling you right fucking now, anybody brings one out, I'm not doing it.

Because I just don't, especially those guys, I don't trust fucking anybody they're like we're gonna we're gonna ask you questions about this okay and then they're gonna ask you shit that it's like well wait a minute oh dude yeah what they want you to do is rip off the thing but and say i'm not doing this but as soon as you hear the question but it's everybody knows the answer is yes that's what i mean you can't once it's on and you take it off whatever that last question was right right it's on and you take it off, then you know the answer. Whatever that last question was, we all know. Right, right. It's the answer you don't want to give. Or like imagine you're just sweating and you give the answer and it's like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, well, I know what that fucking means. I got one lie on mine. Did you see some of the lies they had? What did they have? They did it for their interns and it was like. Oh, really? They said, have you ever raped? What? And they got one yes, who just owned up to it.

And one no, that set the fucking thing off. And they were like, okay. I was like, dude, your interns are fucking rapists. What? Did they follow it with kids? Like, did you ask more questions? I honestly think there was. I think there was a follow-up about children.

That sounds like a Legion of Skank intern. Yeah, I was going to say that. To be honest, that guy probably went far in that. Yeah, he's probably like the new president. Yeah. Do they say it or do they open it? Like, do you rape or have been raped? No, I think it was specifically worded, have you raped before?

It was not like, are you a rapist? Those guys are nuts. They really are, man. They're fucking wild ones,ist? Those guys are nuts. They really are, man. They're fucking wild ones, dude. Those guys are nuts. They really are nuts. Another story that just broke over this past week, Ben Zobrist, he's a former World Series MVP for the Cubs. Okay.

He's been on again and off again with his wife for a while. They're crazy religious Christian nuts. Hey, no one has a problem with that except everyone else. She's a Christian pop star, so she's like, sing music, do music. They went to counseling with their pastor. The pastor and her started

fucking. No! So he filed for divorce and he's suing. So the husband is suing. Now, on one front, the pastor... Oh, it's the worst thing you can do. No work. You're a community leader, and they're coming to you for help. And he's the counselor.

And listen. Now, practice at minimum. Yes. I want my money back at minimum. So that's the minimum. You're going to get me a refund for the session. Listen to what he sued for. It's great.

He said he took time off of the 2019 season to deal with this. So he's like, that's lost wages for his professional career. So he's like, that's six million. He also was the pastor. The pastor used to run his foundation, his charity, and he said he misappropriated funds. So he's suing him for that. For unrelated stuff. That he was holding before, but now

I'm letting it go. Yes, yes. And then also just that you abuse your power to fuck my wife. But I don't think – Defrocked at minimum. I don't think – yeah, yeah. So he's fucked, right? The pastor is fucked.

But I don't think you can sue someone for fucking your wife. That's just like your wife sucks and so does your pastor, right? It's not illegal to fuck somebody. But do you see for like a malpractice-y thing? Like we came to you for this business. In your business profession, you did the worst thing for Mike. I think that's what he's doing, but it's like – It's like if I brought my classic car in to your car dealership and you like –

And you fucked it? Destroyed it. Like took it apart. Yeah. Like what the fuck? But that's a tangible thing that's like – Yeah, it's a tangible thing. Good point.

It would be more like if I brought your car in and I drove it around, but I didn't like break it or anything, but I used it. And it's like, dude, that's not what you're supposed to do. But it's like, eh, you're an asshole, but is that, like, illegal? Right. I feel like it kind of makes you. Let the courts decide. Like, if I fucked your girl and you sued me, I'd be like, really, bro? That'd be a weird move.

You little bitch. They're not talking to you. You're going to sue me? Like, Rappaport, loitering up on us? Like, really, man? You're going to sue us for talking shit? I don't think you can sue someone for fucking your girl. Who would go to that move?

It's like, I'm going to sue you instead of just fucking dealing with it. I actually, I bet you his wife is like, this is why I fucked him. Because you're the type of guy who sues the guy who bangs me. It's not exactly the most tough guy move, you know? Yeah. You're not even going to go to the person first i'm like hey could you stop fucking her right like at least at least go to him and then hey just so you know i'm unhappy that you fucked him just so this is out of the table i i told you not to yeah i

specifically said not to fuck our pastor and you went against my wishes maybe i should have been clear it just seemed like we were here for couples counseling. So it just seemed like kind of a without saying. Dude, that's so grimy. I'll take some of the blame, but an apology. That is so fucking grimy. Imagine that. And the kicker, he told them, he told the husband, he said, here's my plan for you. Here's how to, like, make it work. Give her space.

Like, let her go do her thing. And he was fucking. Oh, wow. Because he was probably like, okay. We're trying to go on vacation this week. Okay, yeah. She goes away every weekend. That's what the pastor told me to do. And he knows Jesus.

He told me to let her sleep in other people's beds. That's what, you know, Jesus said so. And it turns out he's fucking her the whole time. Damn. Heavens to goddamn Betsy. The world is a terrible place. That sucks. We had a rabbi who was like, you know, girls, women have to go to like a ritual bath, cleaning bath after your period.

Jesus Christ. And like when you become, when you have your first period. Right. And they're just like, yeah. So when you're like a little girl, you have to go bathe with these dudes? Yeah, 13 or 14. No, no, no, not with dudes. Just by yourself.

You just go. Okay. There's one where I fucking drill a peephole in there and it's fucking recording. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. just by yourself. You just go to the women's only section. There's one where I fucking drill a peephole in there and it's fucking recording. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For what, too?

You get to just see. For what? Housewives bathing. Yeah, like it's not even hot. Just dipping and then going back up. Not at all. If you're going to fucking peephole, at least make it hot. What's up with the rabbis who suck the dicks

and they give everybody herpes? What's up with that? It's like a... That's true, though. That's not an urban legend, right? That's a real thing? I think so. It's not sucking the dick. It's like a with that? It's like a... That's true, though. That's not an urban legend, right? That's a real thing? I think so. It's not sucking the dick.

It's like a quick lick. It's like getting it wet. Putting saliva on it. It's putting saliva on it for any study. I know you speak for the Jews, so step up here. They don't really do that. Handle their PR.

They go like this, and then they do it. I don't think they do it. They do it with their mouth. In the waste-trick communities, sometimes, I bet. They're crazy. Yeah.

The word is to suck. To tzah something like that i mean that's one of the worst yeah um yeah yeah yeah that wasn't great pr that that's my worst pr than all must have been like ah fuck yeah like that actually might be what do you think's worse that or or the catholics problem i think the catholics problem because everyone's doing it consensually there. Wait, what? I don't think anything's consensual there. It's not doing anything. He's just going like this. Oh, I thought you meant

the Catholics. That is not consensual. But the thing is, they just do the love to transfer situation. The Catholics love the like, you gotta go over there. You go to the Vatican where there's no police. Your Boston privilege has been revoked, but have fun in Rhode Island. But also the rabbis are giving – Go to Rhode Island.

The rabbis are giving these kids herpes. Yeah, well, that was – he stopped doing it after that. He wasn't sticking with it. Oh, you know him? I think it was just one. He was your buddy? No, but I wish I did. That guy for sure had a past.

Get him on the podcast? He got down. He couldn't have gotten it. How else do you get herpes? From a toilet seat? Yeah. What was he doing? a toilet seat? Yeah. What was he like doing the toilet seat challenge?

Oh, God. Disgusting. I had an awful, I had an embarrassing moment, by the way. Kyla. You got herpes. Kyla DM'd me from your account. Nice, bro. Yeah, bro. I don't know why this happened.

Maybe just like sexist brain, but I was dming with her she was like hey like i'm running ari's account like uh we got to set up a date for you to do the podcast and i assumed it was a dude and then i assumed kyla was some sort of like weird jewish name that like if someone you knew and so i said thank you sir you never heard she wrote back like i'm a lady but it's all good she's not a lady. Fuck. I did think that. I was like, this is bullshit. I know. I've seen these skits.

I know. You're not a lady. But I was like, oh, fuck. I thought it was some weird Hebrew name or some shit that I'd never heard. Yeah, exactly. It sounds like Robin Hood. Kailah Yahweh. I was like, oh, fuck.

Kailah Yahweh. I'm like, god damn it. That's just a girl. Fucking hell. Yeah. Challah. Maybe it's like the Americanization of Challah. Yeah, some Yiddish shit or whatever. Yeah. I'm an idiot. That was a a girl. Fucking hell. Yeah. Chala. Maybe it's like the Americanization of Chala. Yeah, some Giddish shit or whatever.

Yeah. I'm an idiot. That was a bad one. All right, man. So you're back on tour. Back on tour. I got a bunch. Yep.

Has it started? Yeah, it started. I did my first gig. I worked like hell to get back to ready. I'm going to Baltimore. Yeah, did you have like a full... Have you been working on it when you were out in Napa? On an island?

Did you have a set ready to go? No, zero. So are you just winging it? Yeah, I mean, I got back. I worked like super, I went to do tons of spots around New York. So you got back in April, May and you were ready to rock already? Yeah. It was like nonstop.

I had to get, I'd do outdoor shows until the fucking six weeks passed. Are you confident in this material? Yeah, I went and did Hartford and it was like great. It was like an hour? Yeah. Holy shit. But I have no sense of time. So one time I did like, I was trying to do like 50s.

And the one time I looked at my thing, it was like at 36. I'm like, fuck. I thought it was too, because my time was up. And then I ended up doing like an hour and 20. It's like, I don't know what 10 more minutes is anymore. I'm a little lost on that. So, you know, go see Ari. You might have a whole night.

You might have like a half hour show. Yeah. I don't know what the name of the tour is, you guys. I was going to say, well, we can contribute some names as well. It might be the Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha tour. There's some that were so fucking cringy that I'm like, oh, you guys. Yeah, I can't believe the ones you didn't post. You got to show me some of those.

Fucking A. Put that on like an OnlyFans or something. I got taken down for one. Put Go Fly a Kike and it was just me. Yes, I saw that one. And Instagram was like, no more direct. I was going to say, a direct hard K-bomb is a bit much. Yeah, there's no nuance there no no

it's a little on the nose a little on the nose there yeah uh all right and what you're on like episode like 5 000 of skeptic tank right oh yeah now on youtube everybody nice yeah how long have you been doing that 10 years yeah we just had our nine year anniversary damn i was uh because we have bobby kelly on who's been doing it for like 13 years you You know what, dude? And very, very rarely do we have someone on. I always ask him how long their podcast has been going. Very rarely does someone predate us. And you and Bobby are the only two that I know. That was Bobby.

Bobby was thin back then. Yeah, he was talking about that. 178 pounds. His early KFC, Barstool Sports appearances. You see him. He's wasting away. They had to get special mics to clear out the space for him. Vaudeville.

All right, man. You down to do a little answer the internet round two? Oh, yeah. Okay. Let's go next door. Good shit. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.