KFC Radio - The Gang Celebrates Feits Birthday at the Dive Bar

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

This past weekend the KFC Radio team went up to Massachusetts to celebrate Feits birthday at his family's place. We recap the wild night out at the dive bar, the best Jackie moments, and realize there was a trespasser. Polly is joining the coolest group ever. We go over the top news stories of the day. Feits tells us his favorite stories from Bob Odenkirk's memoir. We defend husbands in response to Mean Girl Pod. Voicemails. Allbirds Find your new favorite shoes for sunny days and upcoming travel at https://barstool.link/AllbirdsBSS DAVE Download the Dave app from the App store MVMT Join the MVMT and get 15% off at https://barstool.link/MvmtKFC Omaha Steaks Go to https://barstool.link/OmahaSteaksBSS and type KFC in the search bar. Helix Get up to $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows at https://barstool.link/HelixKFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It was when you were showing me my room. There was a girl at the front door that, like, ran away. Yo, that was real? That was real. I thought that was the mushroom. Dog, that was real.

That was very real. Dude, who was that girl? I have no idea. We don't know. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I'm coming to you live looking like FDR in his wheelchair. FDR and Huck Finn, we're famous friends. Yeah, man. This is going to be like an ASMR episode with the wind and the... Oh, it's going to be beautiful.

You know when they talk about a baseball broadcast, the sounds of the game? Yeah, yeah. This is the sounds of the podcast game. We are live on the Westport River. I'm sitting on an old rocking chair. I got Jackie's shirt laying over my legs like I got polio because I don't want to get sunburned. John's wearing his mom's gardening hat and a pair of pants that I think were sewn in 1711. He looks like he is Huckleberry Finn about to go down the river.

I've had a couple of vibes this weekend. Oh, you've had vibes on vibes on vibes. You had prison Mike going last night. You've had the Huck Finn vibe going for a bit. Last night I had on a bandana with a purple bandana and a prison Mike. Someone at the bar just says, would you like a bandana? And I said, of course I want a bandana.

I mean, anybody ever says to you, you want a bandana? You say yes. And he laid out three. An American flag one, a red one, I think, and a purple one. And he was flabbergasted that I chose the purple one. It's the most famous bandana in the world for our kind. It's the obvious choice. Now, granted, the clientele is probably a little different from us. Yeah.

He wasn't exactly the guy tweeting out office jokes all the time. He's kind of offended you didn't choose the American flag. He was super offended. What do you mean? But yeah, it's been a vibey weekend. We are out here. It was for John's birthday. Happy 34th.

34. Feeling old? No, I've never felt, I've never had a birthday where I'm like, oh, I'm old. This one, this was my first one, 37. Oh, 37. Well, I'll be 38. So I guess this one coming up is going to fuck me. But 37 was bad because that's when i realized i'm late 30s yeah and this i mean this is i'm officially mid 30s yeah but late late 30s early 40s uh definitely your 40s are your worst decade i think we've

talked about this before i think they're your worst decade because you're not young anymore but you're not old enough to be a cool old guy yeah you're just an old guy like you could be like the even like 50 55 year old but certainly like a 60 year old guy you're at the bar you kind of like you know playfully hit on the girls and you're you take a shot celebrity shot and beer pong it's kind of a funny thing. When you're 40, it's just like, go home, you skinny fat loser. Go raise your kids, dude. Yeah, like you're still trying to,

because you know what it is too? 40, for a lot of people, is that they haven't figured out our producers have been franking Nick this entire time, tickling his ears.

I can't wait until Jackie falls in the water. You are dangerously close, girl. Might give her a kick. 40 is when you haven't realized you're old yet. You haven't succumbed to it. Like, you're not socially aware enough to be like, God bless. To be like, no, man.

People don't think that Jay-z's the best rapper ever you know what i mean like your opinions are old and dated just fucking deal with it and you're still holding on i think when you're like 50 60 you realize like i'm just the old man and i'm just like any little bit of fun i can have anyway that's all to say that uh 34 it ain't bad we're in a pretty like toxic toxic relationship with the world. It's very Peter Pan-esque. I've never had a birthday where I felt I was old because I've never had to be an adult.

I'm still very much a child. Yeah, you're a man baby. That's just a product of our environment. I think it would be, uh, it would be a bad career decision to get old. Oh yeah. So it's just like, well,

so I know it's like a phrase, like it's age is just a number, but like it, it, I, I, I agree. And I disagree.

I've always used the phrase age appropriately because i think that trying to hold on to youth if you can actually stay young then stay young when you're not successfully doing it and you're trying to hold on to it i think you actually look like the biggest loser in the world oh yeah i know you know i agree so it's like if you somehow whether you are blessed with the right job which you are or like you look young or you stay young. If you know it's Billy Madison, stay here as long as you can. It's when you're like, yeah, I'm still cool. I'm still cool.

And it's like, bro, you are 25 pounds overweight. You don't know how to dress anymore. You don't know what like what's cool. Like, you know, that's it. Your life's over. So, but yeah, it's an interesting paradox between being young and trying to be young. I had a moment last night at the bar with the youths. I was sitting with Pavs and Jackie,

and Nick was there too, but he's not so much a youth anymore. And I was looking at this. So we went to the bar that John loves to go to that says all the regular stuff. What does it say? All the usual refreshments. All the usual refreshments.

It's the tagline of the bar. All the usual refreshments all the usual like you just all the shit you need and it lived up to the hype and then some and uh i was looking behind the bar and there was just this eight and a half by eleven printed out piece of paper white black writing and it just had the schedule for the bands that were playing sunday through monday some guy named John Gage was playing several times that week. A couple individuals, a couple bands. And I was thinking that there's just some dudes and girls out here

who probably work on the water or some shit. And then they, one or two nights a week, they play a gig at this bar that's really like a VFW post. It's not like a bar. It's like a this bar that's really like a vfw post yeah it's not like a bar like it's like a homeless shelter that's been turned into an incredibly dive bar yeah like dive doesn't like dive bar implies sometimes like there's tons of dive bars in new york

that are probably like fifty thousand dollars rent a month yeah yeah and they just it's it's a it's a uh it's like a theme it's a motif Like we're almost like making it a dive bar on purpose. This was just a gutted house. Yeah. They put like some linoleum on the floor and it's awesome. Shout out to Sue behind the bar. I'll be honest. I wanted a little more of a reaction for the tips I was giving her.

I got nothing. It was crazy. I was giving the bar. I ordered, I got in there. I got a whiskey, a vodka soda, two Budweiser's, and three Trulies. And it was $30. And I was like, what the fuck? And then another round, I got like five beers. It was $19.

So I was giving her 100% tips on everything. And then not even an ounce. She was like your city slicker throwing that money around. Yes, exactly. Not even one ounce of preference. She you would rather not have the tip thousand percent but anyway these guys and these people who were just playing i was just thinking like they their life me and maybe not maybe i'm wrong maybe they want to put a fucking shotgun in their mouth who knows but i was just thinking they're probably just like this is awesome man i get to fucking play music at the bar and i got this this job

on the water or whatever i've concocted in my head that they do and they just live this like happy simple life yeah it's it's uh it's what i've been doing about three years well that's you know what's funny i'm gonna start taking guitar lessons and then once i play shitty open mics moderately okay at a guitar see you later well here's what i realized because we're just doing it right now right here here. And this is mostly my fault, because I've been the one who hasn't been able to do this kind of stuff. But like,

we could do this forever. We should just do this forever. And then this is our gig. They play music at the bar. We do this, and hopefully make way more money than they would. But it doesn't have to be this. I mean mean in some ways it does like i don't know you think that if we if this was our podcast from jump street let's say

that we had a a show called uh franklin and huckleberry and this was it and and it caught on because this is like a cool scene it's just like have you seen that podcast where the guy wears his mom's hat and the other guy looks like he's got polio and they just talk on the water and do you think like do you think that we had to be in like a big manhattan studio to get all the guests and all that shit do you think we would have been the same there's literally a very successful podcast just called podcast but outside they just set up a table and they interview people walking by and like, yeah, no, but like, could we have ever gotten to, you know, we still have had these moments that like,

you know, we've landed some big comics and some Hallmark guests and all that kind of shit. We were in the mix at, at barstool a lot. Like, you know, there's storylines that come up and we have our coworkers on all that shit.

If you're just two guys on a, on a fucking dock, you better like bring it. You know what I mean? And I don't know if, if're just two guys on a fucking dock, you better bring it. You know what I mean? And I don't know if personally I could. I use a lot of our environment for the podcast. We can use our environment we create. Jackie was on one.

Jackie's performance last night was a perfect 10. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Jackie, she was talking in the third person a lot. She said dog so many times. What's up, dog? What's up, dog? I just want the dogs to have fun. I'm here for the dogs.

Happy birthday, dog. But she had a moment where, and I was almost mad at this, where she said that she has not really been her full self. Oh, yes. Around us. She's like, I'm still so intimidated by you guys that the way I am with my friends is totally different to the way

I am now. And I was like, bitch, stop doing that. Be yourself. It's not. What do you understand? I get that feeling. I'm still that way. I'm that way with Dave very much. But that's what I mean. I've made such an effort to not be like dave in that regard when it

comes to co-hosts or uh employees you know like being nervous around us is insane we regularly say how you're gonna be the host of the show soon but she goes from i really have not even been myself around you guys to no more than 10 minutes later, she found a basketball, was using it as a soccer ball from her days on that soccer team when she was 12, and she was just like dribbling it around, bringing it up to people, and then pulling it away going, bitch, you thought? Oh, you thought? Bitch, you thought?

Just playing soccer with herself. It's a few drinks away from being my full self. That's really all it is. We just needed it. The funniest thing, what do you think the funniest moment of Jackie's night was? I have a clear winner. I think the Kings.

Yes. Yeah. We were at the bar, we just mentioned, and we decided we were going to go home and play Kings. Jackie said she had cards. I was the one who pitched Kings. Jackie's been hyping Kings for two hours.

Wait a minute. You hyped Kings at the bar. I who pitched Kings. Jackie's been hyping Kings for two hours. Wait a minute. You hyped Kings at the bar. I brought up Kings. But then you realized at the bar. But then I, because I was like, I want to play Kings. And I was like, well, I don't actually have cards. But I was like, well, somebody will have cards. And then I was like, I know that if I say I don't have cards,

that you guys are going to be like, kill the mood. Are you guys going to be like, we're not going to do that because we don't have cards. So I wanted to get everybody on board. Got it. And then. So imagine that whole pitch but Jackie, instead of saying I,

just was talking to the third person. So Jackie basically promised everybody... I'm so uncomfortable sitting here. Just sit on the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie promised everybody that she had a deck of cards that we were going to go back to the house and play Kings. We get there and then finally has to admit that she knows a deck of cards that we were going to go back to the house and play Kings. We get there and then

finally has to admit that she knows she doesn't have cards, but was still just George Costanza going to the Hamptons because she thought someone else would have cards and that the dogs would still get to play. Why do you think we just travel with cards? You're like, someone will have cards.

To be fair, downstairs in my room in the basement is a game chest. Oh yeah, there probably are cards. Now, to be fair, downstairs in my room in the basement is a game chest. Oh, yeah. There probably are cards. But there wasn't. I checked. There's Scrabble. There's Jenga.

There's a whole bunch of other shit, but not a deck of cards to be found. So Jackie was going like, Jackie knew that Jackie didn't have any cards. Jackie said that we played Kings, but Jackie thought that somebody else would have cards. Jackie was wrong. Guys, Jackie's known for about three hours that Jackie didn't have cards. Jackie was wrong. Guys, Jackie's known for about three hours. Jackie didn't have cards. Jackie didn't know how to come to me. She is the best.

She's the absolute best. How about this? An interesting thing. Jackie packed insanely light for her week competing in Barstool HQ for Survivor. And, like, within, like, two days, she said she didn't have underwear. Yeah. What? You guys were wearing two pairs of underwear?

I thought that I did, but I guess I didn't. And then she said, like, you guys made a promise. You guys made a promise on the air that if anybody ever said, I need underwear that they would that you would go and get it and i was like i don't know if this promise holds true i don't think i can go get you underwear i think that would be uh like against like business better business bureau i think that would be against like it would be creepy if i went and bought you fucking underwear imagine that but i was like but i did i made promise. I didn't say to any guy out there who said boxers.

I said if anyone ever says I'm in a jam and I need underwear, no questions asked. I should have just texted. I should have just seen what you got. Would you have gotten Jackie underwear? Yeah. It would have been like granny panties. I would go get her

comical, huge underwear. If you came back with a thong for Jackie, that would be weird. Yes, for sure. I wouldn't get you underwear. I'd get you underpants. I'd get you bloomers. I think it's equally weird. It's definitely weird if we came back and had anything that could be considered sexy.

But I think it's also weird to be like, here you go, girl. Here are some fucking bloomers. Yeah. I think I would get you boxers yeah I think I would get you boxers I think I would get you boxer briefs and be like here are just like

guys boxer briefs that probably would be the best move yeah it's got a little bit of a dick pouch but deal with it here are my

manscaped boxers I'd go to Victoria's Secret just to talk to the ladies working there let me present the scenario to you

who's this for this is for... Coworker. Coworker. And you're getting them why? She's just living at the office and forgot her underpants. The questions that you have to try to answer when you're talking about some Barstool scenario sometimes

are just ridiculous. It's like, just don't even bother, man. You're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. First, because I walked into, like, the breakfast spot that I always go in, and I, like, got, like, I had, like, my bags and everything, and they were like, oh, where are you going? I was like, oh, I'm actually, like, living in the office.

And as soon as they said that, I was like, it's, it's like a long story. It's a whole thing. It's a whole fucking thing so it's just us going solo today we'll have our voicemails we'll go through some one minute man topics as well but I want to say

before we move on any further I was on the absolute perfect amount of mushrooms last night. Oh, yes, you were. Dude, I... You were on the most perfect amount of mushrooms for everyone else who was not on mushrooms. Like, you were making...

The things you would laugh at, and then we'd be laughing at that, and you would... You know when you laugh and you kind of repeat the joke that was just said? Yeah, yeah. We were laughing about something, and then you would repeat a different joke and kick up the laughter about that. And then it was just said. Yeah, yeah. We were laughing about something, and then you would repeat a different joke

and kick up the laughter about that. And then it was just, like, one big rolling laugh the whole time. You guys were in bed. It was just Pavs up. But I saw, like, a man in the tennis court, and I was laughing at this man. It's just, like, in the cracks of the tennis court. It looked like there was a man,

and I was just standing there staring at it, laughing so incredibly hard. Well, I remember that very tennis court when I was on mushrooms, I was just looking at the light. Yeah. And I remember someone, I was like, I don't think the mushrooms has kicked in. And I was just staring at a light, and I was like, yes, they have. Yes, they have.

But wait, you say you saw a man in the cracks of the ground. What about the fucking human girl that was at your house last night? Yeah, do you remember that? Wait. There was a girl at the door. It was when you were showing me my room. There was a girl at the front door that ran away. Yo, that was real? That was real. I front door that ran away. Yo, that was real?

That was real. I thought that was the mushroom. Dog, that was real. That was very real. Dude, who was that girl? I have no idea. What? That was real?

Yes. That was real. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, he told me this morning, and I was like, and he kind of just said it like, he definitely was like, it was weird and scary, but I was kind of like, he just kind of at the same time just told it like, hey, you know what was a weird thing at the end of the night? I was like, who was the girl? Who the same time Just told it like Hey you know It was a weird thing At the end of the night I was like Who was the girl

Who was the girl And why was she running away Like it's not like a I mean your neighbors Aren't like miles away By any means But it's also not just like a Hey that was you know

Stacy from next door Like you're separate You know Yeah You guys were not just Coming to my fucking house No Who the fuck was that girl

I thought for sure That was the mushroom Nope That was very real Nope Well you were on mushrooms too I was We're sure it was the mushroom. No, that was very real. No? Well, you were on mushrooms, too. I was. We're sure it was real?

I'm sure. Well, we wouldn't both see. No, yeah. Same hallucination? That would be some mushrooms. White shirt, like pink on it. I honestly just saw, like, I saw, like, I saw her. She was outside or inside?

Outside. Inside. No, no, she was outside. Oh, she was outside. I thought I heard a door close. I mean, it might have been, like, she thought she was at the right place. Yeah, yeah, she was outside. Oh, she was outside. I thought I heard a door close. I mean, it might have been like she thought she was at the right place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that in college.

I accidentally went to the wrong house. We don't think it was any of your sister's friends because we did kind of have a full house here, no? Or did they not stay there? They never came back. Oh, okay. Weird. We left them at the bar.

Well, that's why they did close the door. They did. Now that you say that. Huh? Yeah, they did close the door. I remember that now. Yeah. She was in the house. You don't have one of those ring door Huh? Yeah, they did close the door. I remember that now. Bro. Yeah. She was in the house.

You don't have one of those ring doorbells, do you? No. Sponsor us, bro. You got to get that SimpliSafe going. Yeah. Holy moly. I actually like that my parents aren't camera people. I hate that.

You go to someone's house now, and it's like, we have cameras in every room. Bro, I go to a bathroom in someone's house, and I'm like, I can't even jerk off in front of the camera. I kind of want to jerk off in the shower, but I bet they're watching. Yeah, the camera's everywhere. It kind of weirded me out. Because you know what's...

I hang out with my buddy and he has a kid and he's like a fucking, you know, fucking in the military and shit like that. So he's like, everything's on high alert

kind of deal. But like, I'll hang out with him and like his phone just constantly getting push notifications of just motion going into other's rooms. Like, like, I'll hang out with him, and, like, his phone just constantly getting push notifications of just motion going into other's rooms. Like, bro, you're at the bar. Why do you need to know

who just moved in your living room? Yeah. You have a family. You have your family members. The need for fucking information in this world is absolutely bananas. I know, like, kids that are still 23 years old that their phones are tracked by their parents,

so every time they walk out of a door, their parents get a notification. I don't know what it's called, but, like... Walk out of every time they walk out of a door their parents get a notification. I don't know what it's called. Walk out of a door? Walk out of a door. It gets a sensor when you leave a door. Bro, I gotta say, I think we're moving too fast

past this girl. Let's go back to the girl. There's just a woman in my house. Well, no, no, no. Even worse, a girl. Like how old? She was like, if anything, early 20s. That's why i wasn't that scared i was

like i think we'd take her but like oh i thought it was like a young girl to me there's nothing the two scariest things whether you're talking about movies or real life whatever i got little little girls and old women i didn't see her face i don't know like she was like walking away when i saw her i didn't yeah let's, let's find out if any of them came back to the house. They forgot something. They were, but they ran away. If it was one of her friends, she'd be like, hey, what's up? Yo,

I got a question for you. Did any of your friends come back to the house last night? Last night? That was it. Fuck! No one came back. Well, we came back to drop Nicole off at her car. Did anybody come to the house? There was a girl in the house last night There was a girl in the house last night

No No John thought it was The mushrooms But it was real Me and Nick No. No. John thought it was the mushrooms, but it was real. Me and Nick just realized it was real. I thought I was hallucinating or whatever. And there was a girl. What did you say she was in, Nick? She was in a white shirt?

Yeah, I think it was a white shirt with some pink on it. She was walking away. But as soon as they saw her, they heard a door close and then ran away. It was at the front door. That's crazy. I don't even think I didn't. Nicole had a white shirt on, but she, I saw her get in her car and drive away. So she didn't come into the house.

Yeah, man. Creepy girl. Very bizarre. That's strange. Where are you, by the way? Are you in the house? Huh? Are you in the house? Huh? Are you in the house right now?

What's your favorite scary movie? Oh, okay. All right, I was just checking. All right, I hope she doesn't come back. Okay, bye. What if you guys are haunted? What if you guys are haunted? Dude, that was fucking real.

What if a little girl drowned here on this dock? You just thought it was the mushrooms. Nick was like, we wouldn't have seen the same thing. What if a little girl drowned here on the dock eight years ago? She was 12 years old, and now she's 20. And this 20-year-old girl who haunts your house. I mean. And Polly sees her and just goes, get the fuck out of here.

There's every possibility that that's the case. There's every possibility that's true. Crazy. There's every possibility that's true. Crazy. I'm starting to believe that kind of shit more and more and more. Are you? Yeah, I don't know why. I saw one last night and I still don't believe it. Yeah.

We also almost had a bar fight situation with a 60-year-old woman. That was fun. She was mad that people were playing older music. No, no. What she was really mad about was that there was too much talking going on when Kid Rock came on. Oh, is that what it was? Kid Rock came on.

I don't know which song. Kid Rock came on. Show some respect. To be fair, we went to a bar to a haunt where you know 60 plus year old people drink whiskey out of paper plastic cups and you know they're in like the american legion hall and we brought a crew of you know 10 young girls who were like singing miley and dancing and drunk and talking loud. Talking in third person. Talking in third person.

Doing the worm at one point. Shockingly, that was not Jackie. I think if Jackie got another breast reduction, she could do the worm. I don't know if she'd do it right now, but she would be the worm type for sure. So to be fair, we probably were being like the assholes, but this 60-year-old old woman said like, I don't get to hear this song very often. Meanwhile, it's on the fucking jukebox.

Um, it's not like, you know, it was a live performance that we were interacting and she said, and like, I, you know, would appreciate it if you girls would like pipe down so I could listen. It was fucking kid rock. Then, I mean, this woman is old. She's got long white hair down to like her ass, glasses, wrinkly face, tie-dye shirt. Looks like she probably fucked Jerry Garcia going on tour with the dead. And then she turns to one of the girls in the pack and she goes, nice eyebrows. Like you did a really nice job with that and she's like

thank you and she's like but your mustache needs work and then it was like that was on and it was on and a couple girls like stepped in the way of her and like made like a little little body wall and there was some shit talking oh there's this bro and it's the type of bar fight where like sue behind the bar might pull out 12 gauges. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was kind of like, guys, let's not fuck around too much. Anyway, we're outside while that happens, our crew. We then go back inside.

The same woman compliments Jackie on her outfit. And she's like, oh, really? Yeah. Do you like it? Oh, thank you so much and the girls are like we don't like her and jackie was kind of like i don't know i'm team i'm team me and her are sisters right now it was quite the scene we almost had to fight like a 60 year old woman i oh and then one of i had one of the more sobering moments of like, you are a piece of shit, like city slicker fucking just dickhead.

I was sitting at the bar and one of the girls we were with, we were looking at this bulletin board. And up on it were these printed out like papers, printer paper of people, their face, like, like a headshot. And then also some pictures of them just like arms around people all pinned up. And they all had like haircuts from like 25 years ago. And their style looked really weird. And it was on a bulletin board at the bar. And so I was kind of cracking jokes. And I was like, I'm gonna go see what these pictures are. And I get up and I walk over and I was like, I'm going to go see what these pictures are. And I get up and I walk over and I'm looking and I'm like making fun of their look.

This one's bangs look silly. This guy looks like, you know, he's stuck in the nineties, whatever. The owner of the bar comes by and just casually walks by me and he goes, these are all the people we rescued from the Ukraine. And he's walking.

And I'm like, wait, what? Like come back here. And he's like, this is what? Like, come back here. And he's like, this is my girlfriend. She's trapped in Ukraine. These are all her friends and family that we have raised money for to smuggle them out.

And this one is, like, in Spain. This one's in Japan. This one got out and took a job somewhere else in Europe. And he's like, and my girlfriend. Of course, we save all these other people, but my girlfriend is the one that we can't get out. She's part of the local government there, and they told her if she tries to flee and they catch her,

they'll shoot her dead on the spot as a traitor. And she works, like, 24 hours a day for half the pay, and I just can't. She's the one woman I can't get out of the Ukraine. But, hey, like, we saved all these other people. And I was just like, I'm such a fucking asshole. Nice bangs. Yeah, because this Ukrainian woman kind of had a little bit people and i was just like yeah i'm such a fucking asshole it's like nice bangs woman yeah kind of had a little bit of an outdated haircut i was like you you dumb bitch

meanwhile she your your bangs look nice but your mustache needs work i mean i was like in the moment i was like how much do you need how much we'll get her we'll get her home i'll go i'll go get her right now. Right now. Give me the keys. Who's car are we taking? She goes, she would never leave because her mother is still there. I was like, her too. Her too.

We'll get them all home. How much do you need? Man, he looked like a walrus, this guy. He was a great cat. And I was just like, man, I've just never felt like more of a fucking idiot. So, yeah, I mean, between the bar fight and the near bar fight and the Ukrainian smuggle, I felt like

quite out of place last night. But anyway, I'm feeling very much in place now as we sit on the dock. You can probably hear the wind blowing. Sitting on a dock by the bay. Sitting on a dock cause I'm gay. Today's episode is brought to you by Allbirds, which

I could definitely use a pair because, first of all, you might be seeing my tootsies on camera, which I repeatedly forget are painted. And it's getting weird because they're out a lot or often during the summer. So I got my nails painted. I need my shoes. I forgot my sandals. And so I've only got

sneakers here. And the Allbird Tree Runners would be the perfect fit for right now. I'm walking on a dock. We're going out on the boat. So you need, you know, you need some shoes that, that, uh, you know, you can walk on and walk on the dock and walk on rocks and not worry about it. But also they're going to be comfortable. They're going to breathe. They're not going to, you're not going to get hot.

They're going to perform and You're not going to get hot. They're going to perform. And all of that while looking stylish. That's what the tree runners are. Made with premium natural materials like eucalyptus fiber. Jackie, grab some eucalyptus from there. Yeah. Yeah, that's eucalyptus. No, lower is the eucalyptus. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, like the leaves at the bottom of the stalks there. No, no, no. The ones, like, see that? That leaf where it's kind Yeah, like the leaves at the bottom of the stalks there. No, no, no. The ones, like, see that? That leaf where it's kind of, like, bent over? She's learned. I think if we basically confirmed I said it to you, I think we could have got away with it. I was like, like, I've said, like, for five hours.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we could have got you, thinking that was eucalyptus. Oh, yeah, you could have. Made with eucalyptus fibers, the tree runner it you can go out for a run you can exercise with them you can wear them casually you can wear them out on the boat whatever you want for the summer find your own all birds shoes at allbirds.com they've got all sorts of different pairs they've got sherpa in the winter they've got the breathable fabric material on top for the summer. All of it stylish and cutting edge at allbirds.com. So we're out here.

The Feidelberg family has graciously taken us in. You know what's going to be awesome? The leaves just going right in front of the camera a little bit. It's going to be very cool. So we're out here at the Feidelberg house on the water. And of course you know John Sr.

and Polly. Polly these days she's trying to give back to the community. Maybe trying to stay busy. But she's joined a group. What's the name of that group, John?

She's not joined it yet. She's interested in joining. Oh, okay. So she's a free agent. She's interested in joining. Maybe pursuing this group. It is Olaug. Olaug, I think is how it's – it's O-L-A-U-G.

O-L-A-U-G. O-L-A-U-G. Oluwag. Oluwag. Oluwag. Oluwag. It is old ladies against underwater garbage. She wants to put on goggles and a snorkel, and she wants to go with a bunch of...

But, like, my mom is not old. I mean, she is, is I guess but she's not like you wouldn't look at my mom and go that's an old lady that's uh no no no

but she's what 55 plus no yeah yeah yeah over over yeah so that's what I mean like you're in that 55

remember that remember that community the 55 and up community yeah yeah yeah we're in that range old ladies old ladies bro but here's the deal

I gotta show you this fucking picture they would go they got to show you this fucking picture. They would go. They would like. Look at this fucking picture. Fish it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is. We'll put it on the YouTube. You got to go watch on the YouTube. It is. It's an old woman with a scuba mask on. Her hair is completely covering the scuba as she's climbing back into the kayak with her buddy who's in a life preserver paddling. And she just fished a full-size tire out of the fucking river. It is an unbelievable picture. I mean, props to her for fishing a fucking good year, for picking up a Michelin out of the fucking river.

I mean, I'll be honest, I'm against underwater garbage too. How about we do young guys against underwater garbage? The Yagu. Dude, it is. The Yagu. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, dude. Polly's gonna fucking

throw on goggles and go jump in this river and pick out garbage? No fucking way. No fucking way, dude. I would be shocked if she does not end up an old lady against underwater. Old lady against underwater garbage, you know what that sounds like? Do you remember when Devlin pranked Tex on the definition of scuba? Yes, yes, yes. And he went like, sporting championships under baseball academy

that's what old ladies against underwater garbage like somebody says yo there's a government group called Oluwag what does it mean and I would just stumble my way old ladies against underwater garbage I mean that sounds completely and entirely made up

and yet it's a real thing God bless Polly. It is very real. I also think she's going to go in there and run that joint. Yeah. Be like, you know, Agatha, you're out.

Maud and Agnes, like, you're my right-hand women. I run this bitch. Dolores, you know you're in the kayak today. Yeah. Sorry. Your scuba times have not been good. Listen, ladies,

we got to get more underwater garbage we are not doing a good job protecting the environment here when you hit a certain age it's appropriate i guess we were talking we started talking about birthdays and now we're talking about oluog um like will you one of my goals in life is to do that retire from public life thing yeah yeah usually that's get dementia is your goal yeah usually that comes with like like a sad i'm gonna be the first person to have all my faculties and retire from public life i don't want it to be because i have alzheimer's i want it to be because fuck you guys bro that's been that's 100% been my goal yeah for a long time okay what age can you do that? Can you stop it?

Yes, absolutely. I absolutely can stop it. What age do you think it's appropriate or, you know, you're allowed to... Of course, you can do whatever you want. But when would it be like... What age could you retire from public life at and not have regrets

when you kick the bucket? Be like, oh, fuck. I should have done public life a few more years. 33 would have been a good one. 33 would have been a great idea. That's when Jesus did it. Jesus cashed out. Jesus cashed out at 33.

But that was a little bit, like, not his decision. No, but it was. He could have just gotten down off the cross, but he's like, I'm tired of public life. That is true. It was very stressful. I'd rather suffocate up here shout out to jesus for the ultimate like attention grabbing moment you know like i could stop myself from being asphyxiated up here but like no i want the attention yeah you know but i mean But, I mean, also, like. But it's also the most, like, my dad's making me do this.

Ah, that's so true. Like, at 33, 34 now, I guess my dad can make me do a lot of things. Oh, yeah. If your dad told you to, like, do that. Yeah, basically. I'm like, I wouldn't do anything. I'm a man. Yeah, right.

I do what my parents tell me all the time. Like, could you imagine? If they were, like, suffocate, I'd push back. I'll be honest about that. If they put a bag over my head, I'd, right. I do what my parents tell me all the time. Like, could you imagine? If they were like suffocating, I'd push back. I'll be honest about that. If they put a bag over my head, I'd, yeah. I'd be like, come on. I mean, here's the thing. Really? What really impresses me about Jesus is that whole scene, all the naysayers, like just

a bunch of Jews who are just ready to kill him, and with a snap of a finger, he could have given you the biggest I told you so ever. Literally the biggest I told you so of all time. You know there were people in the crowd being like, well, if he's the son of God, just fucking step down off that thing. And he could have. Which I think is the ultimate proof that it wasn't real. Yep.

I was going to say, it's either A, that it's the biggest I told you so moment of all time, or B, they just fucking killed a random crazy guy who was making up stories. Dude, I think that fucking, I think that it wasn't even the life-saving aspect of it, which is the proof. Like, he could have saved his own life, and he didn't. That's not the proof that he wasn't real. It's the fact that he had that I told you so moment. And he didn't take it? And he didn't take it.

Yeah. Because that's far better than living. Well, I would say that actually, you know, they always say that Jesus came down and became man. No, he didn't. Because no man could resist that moment. No mere mortal could resist the I told you so moment. I mean, he did fuck hookers, though. Yep.

Can we find out that was just a myth spread by Jewish people? It's like Mary Magdalene was a whore. It's like surprising. Didn't we find out that was just a myth spread by Jewish people? It's like Mary Magdalene was a whore. It's surprising. In Christianity, she is not considered a hooker. Catholics talk like that. That's the Da Vinci Code shit.

It was like, we can't have this girl take over the church. We have to call her a whore and then the guys will control it. Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. I think St. Peter was like, I'm running the church, not Mary. We're going to call her a whore. I have a theory

that the water and the wine was he just brought white wine and nobody had seen it. He's like, ah, I fucking did it. What do you think Lazarus really was? Do you think he just was

not dead? He was just in a coma? He raised him from the dead. I think people were That was one of his miracles. He raised Lazarus from the dead. Pretty people were that was one of his miracles he raised lazarus from the dead pretty heavy duty miracle to be like solid one like i you know the water into wine could also be like there was a couple of fucking like other tubs of wine that you guys hadn't drank yet you know when i did the old switcheroo on you but like here's a dead guy i made him alive again is pretty you know that's

either real or not but I don't know maybe he was just like a sick dude you thought he was dead. A guy taking the nap yeah well that's the other thing maybe it could be like you know dude play dead for a couple days and we'll fucking run the world I found this weed knock him out for a few days

I don't know what made me think of this but I'm reading Bob Odenkirk's memoir right now. It's called Comedy, Comedy, Comedy, Drama. Mr. Fucking Reader, man. But I honestly have no idea why I'm telling this. I don't remember what triggered it, but it's just so funny. He's talking about a sketch he did on Mr. Show that later became true.

He's talking about a couple of things. One was like there was a zany reality star who super packs pay to become president and he's like i didn't realize we're doing a documentary on that one and then um this one i laughed so goddamn fucking hard and i i actually look it up and see because he says it came true like Texas later. But the sketch was that there was a man on death row who didn't have the mental faculties to get killed. He was too mentally challenged to be killed. So they teach him until he's smart enough to kill. That's a joke. That's the sketch.

But then he said they did something similar in Texas. God damn. Let's get this guy's SAT scores up so we can whack him. It was like they were putting him through therapies and having different fucking lessons and shit. Like you give him a vocab

test, you know? What does Gregory's mean? Oh, he nailed this one. Get him in the chair. Fucking kill him. That's unbelievable, dude. I read a story about a pedophile in Philly the other day who chugged a pint of poison as the verdicts were being read. So I guess somebody smuggled him what looked like water, and he was in his holding cell,

and the cops who watched the and the what's it called the cops who watched the what's it called? The bailiff. It was like we watched him aggressively drink some liquid as the verdicts were being read and then he started foaming out the mouth and dying like some true fucking

almost like movie shit where it's like slide him the cyanide pill or whatever. It turned out he was a pedophile. He was guilty. So, like, good riddance, whatever. He died. Yeah, he did die.

So, you wish he maybe gets a little bit more punishment. But he made the right call. I remember early days of Barstool blogging. There was a guy. It was, like, 2010. And this guy killed himself, and the verdict came back not guilty no way because i remember i the whole blog just said oops that's all i wrote but also talk about like as a jury you're like well we got that one wrong right like this guy was like i did this i'm

clearly going to be guilty pow and the guilt and the jury's like not guilty yeah like well you guys don't know you didn't listen at all dude my favorite one was uh i forget the woman's name but she was found guilty of like murdering her husband or something like that but it was like one of those like there was it was a very lenient um sentencing because because she was a woman killing a guy um but just like borderline allowed Yeah It was like There were some you know

Like mitigating circumstances And stuff like that And It might have been an abusive relationship I forget what it was But like She was Being

She was sentenced to like five years Maybe ten years And as she's being For killing a guy? Huh? Killed him? Something like that I'm sure I'm fucking up the story at some

point, but yeah, she, she, she definitely killed the guy. I found forgetting exactly what the

sentencing was, but it was very, very light. Right. Like, like she was going to get out and have a full life still.

And as she's being hauled away, she's begging for the death penalty instead. She's like, just kill me. Just kill me. I can do it.

Like, so you're going to jail with good behavior. You'll be out before we change like so you're going to jail with good behavior you'll be out before we change president i was gonna say i'm gonna say we'll still be in the biden administration well i uh let's get into actually our our topics then because we i have another uh legal death situation as a part of a one minute man on kfc radio today

and then we'll get back after we do One Minute Man, we gotta talk about some comments that were made on another Barstool podcast that need to be addressed. Today's One Minute Man on KFC Radio is brought to you by Movement. Join the Movement today. If you haven't joined the

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But he got it, took a shower with it right away. Broke it? Broke it right away. No way. Because he, I guess, he's like, it's a fucking diving watch. Why would I have to, you have to like close it and like, I don't know, seal it? Sure. He's like, why would I buy a diving watch that isn't fucking waterproof? That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, that should be waterproof 100% of the time. I don't know how much the watch costs, but it costs two grand to fix in a day. Holy shit. So I imagine the watch as, but it costs two grand to fix in a day. Holy shit. So I imagine the watch as a whole was quite expensive. That's insane. And in 24 hours, you had to spend an extra two grand on it. Fuck all that noise. Just go to MVMT.com slash KFC, and not only can you get affordable prices, but you also

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because the fries were cold. One of those guys, you know. We always say that there needs to be a different phone number for these sort of events, you know. Called the police. They showed up. There was kind of an incident, a lot of yelling and screaming, I guess,

fighting over the fries. Turned out he had a warrant out on him for murder going to jail now for first degree murder because he had a fucking cold batch of fries i a man's gotta have a code right you gotta have gotta have a lot you gotta draw a line somewhere there is yeah i i think about it like fucking, what is it, history of violence or some shit like that, right? Where like you are, you're laying low and the witness protection or whatever it is, but you're laying low, you're on the run. And eventually something happens where you're like, I have the ability to stop this. Right. I can make the world a better place right now.

I'll be putting myself in grave danger. In danger, yeah. And I'll be outing myself. But like someone has to step in and do something about this. Yep. And I like to think that it wasn't his first time getting cold fries. The first time he was like, you know what? I can't blow my cover.

I can't. I didn't murder that person. So I'm going to lay low and not bring up the cold fries. And then he went back a second day. And the fries were cold. He went back a second day, and the fries were cold. He went back a third day. Three days. Three strikes, you're out.

He said, this is too much. This is too much. A man's got to speak up. I am willing to go to jail to make sure that this McDonald's gets its place in Chick-fil-A. There will never be another person that comes through there with cold fries while I rot in prison for the rest of my life. And for that, I'll say congratulations. I'll eat the gr prison for the rest of my life. And for that, I'll say congratulations. I'll eat the gruel for the rest of my life. Gruel.

Because you know what? Someday some kid's going to come into this McDonald's. He's going to be served cold fries. And he's not going to ever have McDonald's fries again. He's going to go his whole life without ever having fucking McDonald's fries. He saved the kid's life. We're going to put that guy's face up on the McDonald's

employee of the month. Save that little boy from eating cold fries. Can you imagine that? He's like, I'm not having another child come through here thinking McDonald's fries aren't delicious. It's me, Steve the murderer. I'd like you to send the police down here, please. Dude, it's funny that you said gruel because it reminded me we got off track. You put on the purple bandana and obviously, obviously, immediately looked like Prison Mike.

Like three hours into the night, Jackie's like, you look a lot like Prison Mike. Yeah, no fucking kidding, Jacqueline. No fucking kidding. It's Prison Mike. The only thing I've been doing was being high on mushroom yelling about gruel and dementors and the dementors um so yeah we had the we had the the murder guy with the cold fries uh we also got uh this this one's a bit of a serious topic um the the son of a bitch scumbag creep from nickelodeon that everyone has known has been a creepy grooming uh uh borderline like sexual assault weirdo is i think finally

gonna go down oh is this the creator yes okay so uh jeanette mccur, she was iCarly. You watch iCarly growing up? Was she Carly? No, she's Sam. Okay. She's Sam. She wrote a book. I love this girl all around. Oh, title's unbelievable.

The title is, I'm Glad My Mom's Dead. Because her point is, now she can talk shit about her. But she was on iCarly. And at the time, this dude, Dan Schneider, had iCarly and Wizards of Waverly Place and whatever Ariana Grande was on, and he had hit after hit after hit with all these young teens, and in the book,

Jeanette refers to him as the creator, which is super, it's like fucking, it's hella dramatic, and a good title because he's the creator of all the shows. He's she's not saying his name probably for legal purposes, but like we all know who it is. And it's you know, it's all alleged and nothing has been proven yet. But mountains of evidence that he used to like take these girls and go to dinner with them and make them drink when they were like young teenagers. The thing, the catch is I don't

think he ever touched them. So I don't know if there's like full-blown sexual assault. I don't know what the definition in... So you just enjoy the company of young girls? Yeah. No, for real though. For real. Dude, I'd be like, that's weirder. Yes, right? You're just like hanging out

with 12-year-olds? Yeah. You like being around girls? Fuck it, I understand. Yeah. At least you're getting laid. At least you're busting a nut, man. You don't even get that dick wet, dude. The mushrooms are still in the system. You're getting wild over there.

You're a wild boy. Let's get this man in the wilderness. You're getting wild over there You're a wild boy Just to be clear I am 100% kidding I very luckily do not understand Fucking 12 year olds Doesn't make sense to me But this guy the creator When Harvey Weinstein got Well he likes shopping at Forever 21

So He's like hanging out at Claire's. He's going to the mall, dude. Hanging out at Hot Topic, buying kids posters. When Harvey Weinstein went down, this guy was like, I never knew his name. I never remembered his name until now. Now it's been said enough that I got it. But I remember everyone being like, oh, and there's that guy

at Nickelodeon. There's the guy at Nickelodeon. Everyone knows the guy at Nickelodeon. One of the worst kept secrets, the guy at Nickelodeon. It got so bad and there was enough evidence and whistleblowing and stories that Nickelodeon didn't fire him because I think they were greedy

son of a bitches who wanted all these shows to continue. First of all, it's not like it I mean we're doing we're making shows for 12 year olds yeah do you need Scorsese back there you know can't we I think we can swap in someone else to do iCarly you know they put him two kids they live in a hotel done done story you know plays itself you know oh no the dog like knocked over the food and we have to clean up before mom gets home because she's going you know what I mean like oh she said not to have a party and we have to clean up before mom gets home because she's going, you know what I mean? Oh, she said not to have a party and we did. What are we going to do? These storylines write themselves. But they put

him in a separate room. He was allowed to have no contact with the actresses but he still produced the shows. So he sat in a sealed room with all these screens and cameras and shit, would watch them act. Just like every Predator in every movie ever?

Right. What's his name? Inspector Gadget. Dr. Claw. Yeah, like when you kidnap someone and you put them in a basement with cameras and you watch them. And he would have notes that he would write

and give to another adult who would then be like, would run the notes down to the actresses. So they knew it was bad enough that they would not allow contact, but they didn't, like, fire him. And then the kicker, we'll put it up here if you're watching YouTube.

Have you seen him? I've not seen him, no. I think I actually showed this to you last night. We did this already, but I think you blacked it out because it was like... No, I remember this. Okay, ready? I actually, I'm coming around on it. Like, this guy must be crazy talented. Okay, ready? I'm coming around on it. This guy must be crazy talented.

Okay, ready? Dude, you see what that... I think there have been some things at Barstool where it's like, we can do something other people can't. Because we're a little more important to the company. This guy's the GOAT, right? No, I can fuck with the kids. Like, dude, dude, dude.

Some people aren't allowed to be at work five minutes late. I get to touch the kids. How important are you to the company can you get the 12 year old drunk cause I fucking can't what are you bringing to the table I'm bringing to the table

they let me get the 12 year old drunk that's the barometer of work like do you do do you do like five star work do you do gold star work do you do i can fuck the 12 year olds work that's what i'm allowed to do yeah you know that superstar ariana grande yeah they let me groom her. That's how good my storylines are. Okay, remember when you famously, in barguments, when you famously won the challenge? Doritos. The Doritos, where you said, close your eyes, right, and just picture this.

So I would say to you this. I would say, like, I've told you the story, Your Honor. I've told you the story your honor i've told you the story like ladies and gentlemen the jury close your eyes and picture the man who would do that what he looks like okay and i'm gonna and then i'm gonna show you who dan schneider is it's like oh yeah he did that shit oh okay yes oh you did show me this picture yeah but you didn't i didn't have any context i didn't hear the backstory i was like oh this guy looks like a rapist yeah yeah yeah an alleged rapist uh it's just like oh yeah no no he did it i wish i didn't see it no because now i made it real now i regret all my jokes it was just it was just a funny story it made up now there's fucking fat tubby guys

i i think i don't know obviously it's all Like I said, it's all just one woman's account. But it's not. It's Ariana Grande had stories. Vanessa Hudgens had stories. All these girls are like, yeah, no, that guy's a total fucking creep. And I just don't see how he, like, survives. You know, whether or not these guys go to jail, that doesn't happen anymore. But, like, I think the time has come to an end.

You know what's funny? Kel's wife from Keaton and Kel. Oh, okay, okay. Kel had all that, and then he had Keaton and Kel, so he was there throughout all this too, and she said that she would go visit him on set when they were dating and stuff, and she was just like, yeah, no, this is fucking weird.

Really? Yeah, and I'm sure this guy was probably weird with all the white girls, you know what I mean? So I'm sure she was just like, oh all the white girls, you know what I mean? So I'm sure she was just like, oh, yeah, no, these white people are fucking crazy. This is some weird-ass shit that's going on over here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. He was racist?

Racist, too? Now I draw a line. We also got— Are you saying this guy wasn't a good man? The, uh, I do like the other thing I know about this book is that she was offered 300 grand by Nickelodeon to basically sign an NDA, which don't mean anything. NDAs mean shit, bro. But to sign an NDA so she could never talk about this

and she just turned it down. Yeah, because she was like, I want to write this book. Yeah, but I mean, she had the foresight. She was young. I don't know how old she was. That's how you know it's bad. You want to hear the most depressing part of the whole fucking thing? You offer me $300,000, I'll shut my goddamn fucking mouth.

Well, I'll just shut my mouth and I'll break it. How much would Barstool have to offer you to never write a book about Barstool? To never talk about Barstool? I just feel like what you do is you break it, and then you write the book, and you make enough money to pay the fucking fines. you know um but i i would i would take it i would i just don't know 50 bucks i'd be like i didn't want to do this anyway i was gonna say the thing about it is i don't want to write the book you're you're giving me an excuse if i could do like an oral history if i could sit down and just tell you all the dirt and someone else write it that would be a

different story because i think you could make many many millions doing that yeah i think if you told the full barstool story with some of the dirt i think you make like 10 million dollars i also just don't remember anything i know a lot of people have said to me like you should do not like a journal but just write down like every day like one you know brief description of what happened and i'm like totally totally and i've never done it once no it's so simple and it would probably spark so many memories where it's like I could write a book from just these little scribbles but I just don't do it

I've gone through phases where I have like a diary but you know what because gay because we are so uh uh never shut the fuck uppers like I will I'll start my fucking journal For the day

And next thing I'm three pages in Cause I'm like trying to be funny I'm the only one who's gonna read this The fuck cares Cracking jokes and shit Yeah I know that exact feeling We also have This was like last week

I don't know if it's old news now If we didn't talk about it Kevin Federline Posting those videos Of Britney and her son was the biggest swing and a miss I've ever seen in my life. I know about them.

I didn't watch them. I don't, and this is probably why I'm not really a huge reality TV guy. I don't like, I think you actually talked about this recently where you saw, you stopped on someone's Instagram video because you liked the look behind the curtain.

And it was like, Yeah, Burt's family. Yeah. I don't like seeing people's private moments. And that was... What, you're fucking well-adjusted? Yeah. And I don't even know the video you watched, so I don't know what that probably was.

It was Burt fucking a dog. But like this in particular, even hearing about this where it's like, she's kind of yelling at the kids so i don't know what she has been saying recently i guess she was talking a little bit shit about her sons usually she's pretty good to like her her own family it's like her kids and shit it's the other family that's the problem but federal line was like i will not let my sons be they talked about this way which that i could understand if they were somebody was like talking

about your sons but also the way to fix it is not to throw their mom under the bus on instagram and then if you're gonna do that you gotta have the goods the the video was like britney being like i'm your mother you will not speak to me that way and i think it was something like take your shoes off in the house yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, literally every mom in the world has done this with like her two asshole teenage boys, you know? And Federline was like, gotcha, bitch.

And he said like, I debated all weekend whether or not I was going to post these and like me and my sons have discussed it and we decided like we're going to do it. I'm like, you fucking loser. Me and my preformed teenage brains.

Yeah. The three of us together might be an adult man. Well, honestly, I was going to say. And we sat down and made some decisions. I'd probably take the kids over Federline's fucking brain. Jesus Christ. You know what's happened to him? What's really embarrassing is he deleted the videos, but he still has, he created his Instagram

for that. Oh my God. So he still has the videos. I'm sorry. He still has the Instagram. The videos are gone. So he just has an Instagram page with nothing on it. Yeah.

And, like, bro, you drop your fucking bomb on Britney Spears, you think you're going to fucking count those followers, right? Oh, rule of the world. How many followers do you think he got? Probably got, like, 2,000. It's, like, 35,000. I mean, it's pathetic. It is.

Pathetic. He probably has less followers than jackie and he posted an expose on britney spears and everyone's like dude this sucks yeah like the people like i've always said you know she's throwing her asshole over on her page so i'm gonna go back over there britney content is like instant publicity instant followers and not even the ex-fucking husband can do it. I love that Britney was like, fought for her conservatorship to end for so long.

And then once it ended, she goes, and now I'm going to show you all why that was a bad idea. Yep. I'm going to show you my literal asshole. Shouldn't let me out of the cage. Birdie's going to fly. It's just like, he's like, all right, I'm going to marry this random like alright I'm gonna marry

this random dude I'm gonna show my asshole on Instagram and I'm gonna make my son take their shoes off I'm off the rails told you don't let me free

I told you and let me see if there's anything else anybody else got is there any other news that happened there was a couple fucking one minute man's's I was going to do, Paz. You remember what?

I said I was going to do them, and I never ended up doing them. Brought that pig back to life. I feel like that one went under the radar. Oh, yeah. Killed death. Yeah, we also, we figured out, speaking of Jesus, we figured out how to resurrect dead things. We did it with pigs.

These scientists found some pigs that were dead for, let me find out exactly how. It's in hours. Hours. That's a long fucking time, man. Because you can do some, you know, people can be dead for a couple minutes and then all of a sudden. It's just so fucked up because when the brain doesn't have blood, what's coming back? Well, that's the thing Is it really

Did you save it? It's zombies And we did it with pigs Now pigs Pigs are smart as fuck They'll also Eat you and eat all your bones With the teeth I believe

that's what they just said in Snatch at least I thought they could do everything I think they just don't like the taste of teeth but they can no I

I don't like a daisy in teeth I think they say it in Snatch I don't know eating someone's teeth eating someone's mouth imagine that you have to

eat someone's tongue and inside their cheeks and their and their teeth how gross that would fucking be. Yummy. Yuck.

Disgusting. Yeah, so we, but they had these dead pigs. I think that they like resuscitated some cells. I don't know if it was like, oink, oink, oink, oink, and it went running around. It got a heartbeat, I believe. Yeah, and there was like some signs of life. I wish I had this pulled up. That would have been dope to do it to that guy who killed himself in the prison cell.

With the fucking, like, no, we're bringing you back. He thinks he died and he comes back. He's like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Yeah, we just figured it out on pigs. We figured you'd be a first human test. That's got to be tough, though. Yeah, pigs to the rest. No, no, no.

Scientists bring cells in dead pigs back to life so here's where they get you you know because i think people thought that like you know wilbur came back to life and was running around oinking and shit like that pigs had been dead an hour when researchers at yale circulated a nutrient-rich fluid through their bodies after six hours some cells in the pig's organs showed signs of functioning. I'll be honest. I'll be perfectly honest. Feidelberg does this every weekend when he drinks. I think Feidelberg is clinically dead for like an hour every night when he, and I think the oxygen starts flowing again and he just comes back to life.

I think that's, you want to, you want to talk about a scientific breakthrough and a miracle, just watch this man over here. He's on enough fucking antacid to cause dementia. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, motherfuckers. He drinks more and smokes more than any human

that I know. Tops it off with some shrooms and he's just back at it every day. Every day, baby. Every day, bro. It's every fucking day. Every fucking day. That is true. It is like there is a part of me that believes that maybe I die every night, and I'm just resuscitated.

Yeah. Because I'm trying. I'm putting the legwork. Every day. Jar! Jar! But imagine that if you had a really suicidal friend and you just kept bringing him back to life. Yeah, imagine that. As a funny prank. Resuscitate you.

You're the doctor. You're the scientist who cured death. Your friend just keeps poisoning himself every night and every morning. You're like, not yet, motherfucker. What a form of torture that would be. Keeping you alive. Yeah. Resuscitating you left and, not yet, motherfucker. What a form of torture that would be. Keeping you alive. Yeah. Resuscitating you left and right.

Yeah, no, you resuscitate yourself like every fucking night and then you go off and you read some fucking fancy book and you think you're a hotshot. I do. I actually, in an effort to better... We have a file over here. I have been doing a good job of bettering myself a little bit while also destroying myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But for about a year straight now, I've been steady exercising. Yes. And then – That's impressive. And then for a few – a month and a half or so, I've been reading pretty regularly. And now I'm on Bob Odenkirk's new memoir, which is very interesting.

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Future you will thank current you. What I like about this latest one, though, is some of the stories you're telling me from the Odenkirk memoir. You know when people tell you about the book they're reading or the dream they had, and it's like, dude, just shut the fuck up? Yeah. Sally Fields, I don't care. Demogorgon's fucking you in the ass.

Nobody cares. But Odenkirk is a cool cat because he's seen it all by the way I think as we record this today is the finale of Better Call Saul which I watched aggressively for many weeks to catch up to watch this

and I just didn't watch the last three episodes like I spent fucking 50 hours to catch up To watch the finale And I missed the last two So I'm just fucked now I hope somebody spoils it for you Just botched it

Just botched it big time But Odin Kirk man Between the Simpsons And SNL And I hated SNL And he hated it all his time there I hated it

That's amazing It's so funny to hear these things. His interview, he went into Lorne Michaels and was like, I don't even want to work here. Really? Okay, fine, see you later. And then hired him like a year later or something like that. Really? I mean.

Like, he went and was like, this show sucks. When did he join up? Season 11 through 15, he wrote there. Which is? He started with. This is like Sandler and Farley in Never Know. Yes, towards the end. I want to say they were probably season 13.

That's when I thought it was still good. Maybe 14. No, dude, his cast when he started, the stars were Lovitz and John Cusack. That's tough. Yeah. That's tough. I didn't even know Cusack. I think Odenkirk's kind of like not mean, but he's very honest.

It's what you need to be in a memoir, I guess. He has a lot of things where he's just like Cusack and L it was cusack and lovitz both funny and talented people but not necessarily at the same time oh man that's tough yeah i mean he's just that's the problem with when you asked about writing like a barstool memoir too is like to be to make it interesting you got to kind of go like scorched earth right and that's the things he says where it's just like it's just like it's things that we already just like it's just like it's not insulting but it's not like it's not complimentary either

right it's like we had great writers this unbelievable writer was with us this unbelievable writer was with us this guy was a solid writer

and it's like it's just like oh that hurts but you gotta be real like you know if people are gonna sit down and take the time to read a whole ass book

I don't want it to be you know it's gotta be truthful but you know, it's got to be truthful. Yeah, right. But, you know, you're going to throw people under the bus and you're going to. And again, it doesn't take much to put someone under the bus these days. No. Like just, like you just said, calling someone a solid writer instead of being like you're a phenomenal writer is enough for people to go, ooh.

Yeah, right. I definitely perked up. Oh, for sure. For sure. But what I found interesting was the stuff about Chris Farley. Because I have always, people, a lot of people ask me, like, who are my white whale guests? And who is one person I wish I could interview? And I think I've narrowed down. I think my dream guest alive I wish we could get, I think, would be Jay-Z.

And I think my dead person that I want to interview, I think, would be Jay-Z. And I think my dead person that I want to interview, I think would be Chris Farley. Yeah, that'd be good. And the stuff about Farley is, some of it's pretty interesting. And everybody who is around Farley says a lot of the same stuff, but Odin Kirk had this one tale about, like, specifically when he knew it was a rap, which was, like, heavy shit. You mean, like, the real one or the one that... We'll tell them both. Before we get into it, I want to talk about Del Close real quick.

Del Close is... He's the guy I didn't know anything about, Del Close. I know nothing about Del Close until this book. He's who Odenkirk gives him credit for being... He's the one who inspired me to go into show business. Not because of his career or his acting or anything like that but because del he bumped into del close in a record store or bookstore when del close had just been fired from second city for like the fifth time uh-huh and which is a uh improv group troupe yeah and um and uh he was just like he's like oh you're del close like i i know who you are and he was just like

oh you're Del Close I know who you are and he's like you wanna come hang out at my house and so they go to his apartment and he's it's like wall to wall books

he's smoking weed he's just like a fucking mess but he said that Del was the only person he'd ever talked to in his life he grew up in like in Naperville, Illinois

which I guess is kind of like a nicer business type town. And no one he'd ever met was excited about their life, really. Right. No one was excited about the future. Sure. Every day was just go to work. And Del Close was excited.

He had ideas and he was talking. You could tell he enjoyed fun. Right. And Odin Krupp was like, I kind of want to go into this kind of career. Sure. But despite the fact that Del Close seemed to enjoy life to some extent, this is what he says about Del Close's drug habits, I suppose. Where are they here?

This is unbelievable. He looked older because of drugs, cap lock drugs. Where are they here? This is unbelievable. He looked older because of drugs. Cap lock drugs. The usual suspects, caffeine, which I think it's odd he has caffeine. Yeah. The usual suspects, caffeine, and then we start going up pretty quick. Caffeine, pot, heroin, cocaine, peyote, LSD, psilocybin, mescaline. But also, back when he was traveling with Dr. Dracula's Den of Living Nightmares,

a traveling show in the 1950s he would visit flea markets and pick up old outdated medicines collected from private stashes and swallow whatever was inside the little brown bottles ingesting random substances from the early 1900s he very likely ate polio this regimen had left him a physical wreck but his mind was as sharp and feverish as a college student on shrooms it was like and then so like that did kind of what we're talking about earlier we're like like you're clearly trying to die yes and uh and uh sabotage and cry out for help the woman um who runs second city i think her name was jane or something like that whatever yeah um odin kirk closed the chapter on dell close with a quote from her where she says the most run Second City. I think her name was Jane or something like that. Whatever.

Odin Kirk closed the chapter on Del Close with a quote from her where she says, the most impressive thing Del ever did was not kill himself. He just found other things to do. Too busy. I got this to-do list. I can't kill myself. I saw another quote recently that said adulthood is just

perpetually saying I just gotta get through next week and then things will slow down and that's the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because it has to slow down next week when things slow down I'll kill myself and then it's like oh you got this and that and the other thing to do but the Farley Farley one was

the Farley shit is particularly interesting because I read a book um by farley's buddies uh back when i was in college by 07 it came out um and it was i forget what it's called i'm sure you can look it up it was like there's a lot of like letters from friends right it was like like it was almost like almost like an oral history type book but it was conan and spade and chris rock and blah blah like a bunch of bunch of like farley's boys um and uh they always kind of sharing memories and things like that and one that stuck out to me when i read that book was farley's i'm sorry was uh chris rock saying that the chippendale sketch was the one

that like killed chris farley and then odin kirk said in not the exact same words but basically the same sentiment which because I because the rock one stood out so much I was like holy shit I remember reading this yeah um but I I forget because it was 15 years ago I forget exactly what rock's explanation on it was um but Odin Kirk said I think it was I don't know if it was his very first sketch or it was one of his uh earlier sketches definitely his his first hit at SNL. The Chippendales with Swayze. But he said that you can see it in Farley's face even on screen. But then afterwards it got a lot worse where he had such shame.

And because Farley had been, he grew up in, you know, wherever. And he told his whole life that he's a fat idiot and all that stuff. because Farley had been, he grew up in, you know, wherever, and he told his whole life that he's a fat idiot and all that stuff. And what the Chippendale sketch did was confirm all his deepest, darkest fears that they're laughing at me, not with me. Which, I mean, I get because it's like, it's a hacky thing. It's like, you know, a stripper's supposed to be hot, and Swayze's hot, and there's the fat guy who's not, it's not groundbreaking material,

but like his dance moves and everything like were funny. And he's the, I think he's the, the greatest physical like comedian ever. Right. Uh, and part of that is just being the fat guy, but also no,

like there are fat guys who don't, who don't dance like that. Who don't throw themselves to the table, who aren't like, you know, larger than life funny. So I, I i it sucks that he was like portrayed that way i wonder what i always think about if farley was alive today if he would kind of be like the sandman and like be separate you know or if he would be like front and center on social media or still doing these like crazy movies or like if he these crazy movies or if he would have adapted

if he would have, by now would he have pulled a McConaughey if he could have become a real actor or if he was just a straight goofball the whole time it's almost like he was destined to just do what he did and die because I can't even begin to think of which route

he would have gone down if he stayed alive it's almost just like no that that was fucking what was it yeah um but i yeah it's weird like he everything i haven't really like read full books on it but every behind the scenes documentary and vh1 and this and that all were like the same thing about like he was uncomfortable with the fame and being like the funny fat guy and because he had been that his whole life. He was like, he would just do things in the middle of a conversation he'd belly flop onto the ground and go,

fatty fall down! Because that's what he had said he would do anything for a laugh. Which is funny because that is actually not to disrespect the dead in any way but that's like the biggest loser shit in the world the people who do that kind of stuff just for the attention but when it was

because he was so funny that people wanted him to always be funny for them that he became the dancing monkey yeah it's like it's one thing when you're doing it because you're not funny he's so funny that he felt that he had to always be you know what i mean it's it's like you're not funny he's so funny that he felt that he had to always be you know what i mean it's it's like you're not funny while almost being too funny at the same time but i wonder would it have lasted would have would eventually it be like how many times can chris farley like break the little chair yeah do fat guy a little coat like was it just destined to be like a good couple movies some good skits and then you're out of here or if he would have turned into like you know truly funny shit or turned to drama or whatever um but it would be a bomb ass

interview in this day and age they had the uh what one thing i found interesting with in the book was that they they started uh matt foley the motivational speaker, the band down by the river. That was started at Second City. Really? Which shocks me that you could take it, they wrote it at Second City, performed it at Second City, and then you could just put it on SNL. Or like all this IP rules and laws and regulations.

Odenkirk acknowledges and says it was standard practice to take your bits to SNL from other places. I'd be like, no. That might have been their pitch, like come to Second City and, you know, you get launched to SNL. You can have all your stuff. I mean, that to me, Matt Foley, motivational speaker, the Chris Farley show skits, and my favorite is the decaffeinated crystals.

Do you know that one? With the meme, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that whole skit, have you ever seen the full skit? No. Well, yeah, no, first of all, yes, I absolutely have. But he's just like, what have I told you? What's the, it's like, the coffee name is funny, too.

It's like, what have I told you? You're drinking, like, blah, blah, blah, the decaffeinated crystals and he's just like what yeah you son of a bitch and he just burns the whole restaurant down and goes fucking crazy on it uh just the classic funny shit that the the the most what would you say is modern day far Farley? Is there like a... I... It's kind of fucked up because you think of fat. But I always think of Jake Johnson as a great physical actor. Jake Johnson?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say a fat guy. No, no, no. That's why I was like... I think he's a very funny... He's very expressive. Yeah.

And I think Charlie Kelly's very expressive, too. Yeah. DeVito. DeVito's like... He's always making the faces. Yeah. very expressive yeah and um i think charlie kelly's very expressive too yeah um devito devito's like he's always making the faces yeah and he's getting naked devito might be the answer yeah that they were doing like an overweight person um but i think i think jake johnson and charlie day are both like expressive and wild and crazy yeah despite their they're both smaller guys but um but the last thing about marley in the book that was very depressing because it is the last thing is Odenkirk talks to – he was in Denver, I believe. And he was doing something at some bar or theater or something like that.

And someone comes in and is like, Farley is outside. He wants to talk to you. And Odenkirk wasn't put off by this because at this point, Farley couldn't go anywhere. He couldn't go in a club. He's like, I'll go out. He goes out to the limo. Farley's in it with guys who had just offered to sell Odenkirk coke. He's doing coke.

He's not hiding. He's doing cocaine. He says he looks ready to pop he's red faced like grizzled beard swollen as hell looking ready to pop and he said that while they were talking

he got the vibe that Farley was picking up on the vibe that Odenkirk was thinking this is the last time we're gonna see you and to be like this is i know that you know that i know this is the last time we're gonna see each other because i'm fucking dead tonight dude is crazy but it wasn't it wasn't sad dude and he was like and i i get what odin kirk is like look i in if i could go back and do it again i don't even know that i would because like yeah i want to grab my lapels.

I want to drag him to fucking rehab. And I want to tell him to get his life together. And he's wasting it. And he's going to throw away something great. He's like, but we've done it 10,000 times. You know, like, I'm not going to tell him anything he hasn't heard. I'm not going to. You have to want to do it yourself.

What can I? I've tried. You know, I've done it. And he said, we just said our goodbyes. And I don't know if he says the exact week, but he says a few weeks later I said his funeral. Which is pretty brutal. Yeah, that is, and I love that, not love,

but the fact that Odenkirk and both Chris Rock, they both said fuck that skit for the Chippendales thing. They both ended their description of the Chippendales with fuck that skit. Which is so, I mean, you just don't know the ins and outs of what's going on in some of these places. Like, you think it's all funny and like, oh, that was amazing. And there were people who were like, that skit ruined lives. It was fucking unbelievable. So they play every time the Bruins score a fucking goal.

Yeah. Guess what? I was going to put a damper on the Bruins goal. I bet. For sure. All that's pretty depressing uh the only thing more depressing than that is living a life without omaha steaks in it without some good cuts of meat without some good burgers winter fucking saying sandwiches meals oh the omaha steaks has been in my life for a long time now my mom used to get that for our family as I was a kid,

and now I've been involved with them professionally for years. It's one of the staples in my life. You get filet mignons. You can get your New York strips. You can get the Omaha steak burgers. You can get the pork chops, the chicken cuts. Everything that you need in that Omaha steak box, including the sides, including the desserts.

Including the apple tartlets. Oh, the caramel apple tartlets, baby! Unbelievable. But the best part about all of it is the price in which it comes. Because I grew up that you go to a steakhouse, it was like, well, we're not, you know, you gotta turn the lights off when we go home because we don't have any more money, kids.

And now, when you get Omaha Steak, you get a whole box of it. Comes fresh and frozen. You can keep it as long as you need, and it's all at a fraction of the cost of one night out for one meal at a steakhouse. You can get the all-American assortment, which means you get butcher cut filet mignons, you get the pork chops, you get the boneless chicken breasts, and way more.

Plus, they throw in 12 ultra-juicy steak burgers for free. That's the All-American assortment. And the way you find that is by going to omahasteaks.com and just enter KFC in the search bar. You don't have to use a promo code. You don't have to use a URL. Just open up the website, search for KFC, and they will find it. If you don't want the All-American assortment and you want to get, let's say, just filet mignon with baked potatoes or the potatoes au gratin mixed with the pork chops or whatever, you can build your own perfect menu and you'll still get the 12 free steak burgers. So as long as you're doing the All-American assortment or the build a perfect menu, you get the 12 free burgers all when you search KFC at Omaha steaks.com.

Fill your freezer with enough gourmet food to keep your cookout going all summer long into the fall, into the winter at Omaha steaks.com keyword KFC. We, there was a take given on the barstool airwaves this week that I must stand up for my fellow man. I would say that this show now officially has the hottest takes at the company. Mean Girls Pod.

Yeah. And I tip my cap to them because I don't think they are fraudulent. I don't think they're doing this. They're phony about it. I think that they have some unbelievably bad or insane and or interesting takes at all times. I'm not knocking them. It's like sometimes it's interesting. Sometimes agree with them and sometimes i'm like you

bitches are crazy and that's that's how you have a good podcast uh every every time their clips go viral every time they get a bunch of comments of course there's gonna be people that hate of course there's gonna be people that disagree but they move the needle every single time they talk about sex relationships work dating people, dating, people, life, all of it. Did you say yesterday they discovered the Amazon position? The Amazon position? Oh, did they? They're like breaking

news, the Amazon position. I quote to you from what I was like, breaking news, breaking dick more like. Breaking dick 12 years ago, but breaking news. I know we talked about that with them on our podcast, no? No, we talked about it with Joey and Pat, I think. Anyway. I was going to say, if you want to come on

and do a deviant episode, we could really teach you some shit. Alex Bennett said that masturbating when you're in a relationship, whatever, she's indifferent. Masturbating when she's married, that's where she draws the line.

Wait, she's serious about this? Because she believes it to be... I thought you said her therapist told her this, and then I figured she was like, that's ridiculous. No, she believes it. She believes it's a form of emotional cheating, not because of her therapist,

because of her marriage counseling that she had before she got married, which I'm going to guess is pre-cana, which is something you have to do. You have to go sit down with a priest for a couple hours, and you have to do this group thing where you answer questions as a couple, and it's basically just more brainwashing from the Catholic Church. I'm guaranteeing that's a preacher, some sort of priest, who's trying to tell you masturbation is bad his point was intimacy is now

with your wife, you fuck your wife you fuck your husband, that's how you get your rocks off masturbation is not a thing she said that this is the thing about Alex, I told her this to her face, because we did ATI with her and we did the podcast with her and there were times where we were talking about gaslighting and all that

and she would be like you know what? That's a good point. You changed my mind. And I was like wow you don't really hear people often who listen to another point of view, internalize it and then say shit I've changed my mind. Now I'm thinking that she's just easily persuaded and anything that gets planted in her brain

she can agree with because she was like I never thought of that until that priest told me or my marriage counselor told me uh that that's cheating and now that's been in my head ever since like oh okay so you are just brainwashed um i don't know what jordan's response was because i didn't hear on the podcast i only heard the clip um but let me tell you something if you're in a relationship where someone tells you that you can't masturbate or it's cheating on you, run for the hills. Because that's as toxic as it gets. Yeah.

When you start throwing in, like, fucking caveats on cheating, it's emotional cheating. It's not. It's I'm just jerking my own dick is all it is. You're making it more than it is. No. And, like, let me tell you, if you're fucking your wife or jerking off every day and not fucking your wife and the whole time you're picturing your ex-girlfriend or something like that like that's a problem like you know you probably are in a relationship that's not satisfying for you and maybe that's a red flag but you're not doing

anything like inherently wrong no you're not cheating you're not we did it we did answer the internet with them you'll see it soon one of the questions was if you jerk off to a webcam girl is that cheating cause that's a little different you're interacting with them maybe you're the one telling her what to do you're basically but here's a spoiler alert

because you know fuck it it'll be on their ATI but I was playing devil's advocate for a little bit and we just kept pushing it further. So I can understand jerking off with a webcam girl that you pay for. I can understand a girl being upset about that. Like she's listening to you. You're telling her what to do. You're having a moment, just the two of you. I could see where a girl gets upset with that. I said, now, what about if you you are watching if you're like in the chat room let's say i don't even know if this is possible but let's say i'm in the chat room he's in the

chat room you're the one like paying her to do shit but we're just kind of watching her while we jerk off is that cheating i kept moving the needle and they were like yes of course and i was like well what's the difference between that and porn? It's prerecorded. That's the only difference. And she was like, yes, prerecorded matters. And then, and then, so then I said, how about this? Okay. Prerecorded matters. What if I'm, let's just get crazy with it.

I'm on a porn set. Someone's making a porn. No one's involved. I live stream this porn set. You jerk off to it. Is that cheating? They said yes. What?

And I was like, but if that same video is then pre-recorded and uploaded to a porn site saying behind the scenes of a porn site, they said that's not cheating. I was like, you girls are just dumb. Their issue is with quality of edit? Yeah. No, no, no. It's like timing of the edit. No edit was involved. This is, you know, this is a live recording with no cuts. That's cheating.

Masturbating, cheating. I mean, this is all just some shit. Masturbating, cheating is insane. As a matter of fact, masturbating is the anti-cheating. It's what people should do before they cheat. Jerk off, get your nut off, finger yourself, and then be like, if I still want to cheat, that means you have a problem in your relationship

that you have to address. But sometimes you just get that nut off and you're like, okay, I don't want to cheat anymore. That's what Carrie Underwood sings in her famous song, Before He Cheats. Just talk about how much her husband jerks off. Does she? No. She has a song called Before He Cheats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably beating him up or something.

That's all Carrie sings about. Clear that fucking brain. a song called Before He Cheats, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if you... Probably beating him up or something. Just jerk off and... That's all Carrie sings about. Clear that fucking brain. Carrie Underwood is like fucking modern day Eminem. Yeah. Just a bunch of songs about beating the shit out of her husband.

Hey, you see that girl, that murderer, her boyfriend? Fuck that chick. Who? There was a video of her... Oh, yeah, the OnlyFans chick. There was a video of her whacking her boyfriend

in the elevator and it's like, how many guys have gone through that where your drunk girlfriend is punching you and whacking you in the head and you just keep ducking it and kind of pushing her aside because you know you can't fight back and then they went into the apartment and she stabbed him. No, that was an older video. But still, fuck that, you know?

That's the kind of shit that leads to fucking dead bodies, man. And that's what happens if you don't let your fucking husband jerk off without being called a cheater. Any of that shit. Poor Graham is just sitting there at home jerking off, feeling guilty about it. Guy's a goddamn billionaire, can't jerk his own dick without his wife calling him a cheater. Jesus Christ. Hey, babe, just so you know, I have money where I can kill people.

I'm going to jerk off. We got to have Graham on KFC Radio. Graham, open invite to come on and just be like, these bitches are crazy. Who knows? Maybe he's getting brainwashed and believes it too. Yeah, my marriage counselor told me I can't jerk off. You can't jerk off. Let me say this.

So I just fuck the couch cushion? I would go as far as to say this, and I think I stand by it. There is nobody in the world that can tell you how or what or how to jerk off or when to jerk off. Yeah, my body, my choice. Absolutely. Your mother can't tell you. Your girlfriend can't tell you. Your wife can't tell you.

Your boss can't tell you. Sure as fuck, some priest who doesn't know anything about sex can't tell you. Dude, listening't tell you, sure as fuck some priest who doesn't know anything about sex can't tell you. Dude, listening to a priest about any of this shit is for real like... It's like taking financial advice from a homeless person. Right, right, right. It's like you literally have no money. You don't know what's going on.

Yeah. You don't have no bitches. Dude. Those priests have no bitches, and they're trying to tell you about how to act with these girls. This is, by the way, the creator really throws a curveball on the whole Catholic church thing. What do you mean?

They're always referring to the creator. They love the creator. Oh yeah, well that's probably part of why she did it to you. Anybody who's a creator, like content creator is going to go, we're going down a bad path now. They're like, oh, did you think in the Bible it was God with the creator? No, no, no. We love over Nickelodeon. Dan Schneider,

you fucking creeper. All right, voicemail time. It's brought to you by Helix Sleep, I believe. Helix Sleep. I'm sleeping on a Helix mattress at Johnny's house right now

in the basement. It's a delight. I got a great night's sleep and usually anywhere else I sleep besides my Helix mattress at home uh it i i wake up achy because like it's molded to me and fits me whatever helix can be yours his hers could be new could be old as long as it's a helix quality i'm good uh it's like helix travels i usually sleep in a helix mattress i did not last night because i was gracious and gave it to you

that's usually your bed? Yeah. I am in a... I got some back pains going on. My lower back is not feeling great. That's not a joke at all. I'm golden, bro. I'm fucking gravy right now. I woke up like, ah, refreshed. Got that Helix sleep going.

And what's interesting is when you get your own mattress, you go to the website and you take a quiz and it tells you exactly the one you need to get. So that would mean that me and you have a similar mattress. Yeah. That means we're both similar sleepers. But we're not. But we're not at all.

No. Because you're fucking gross when you sleep. Snoring and shit. Are you on your back when you snore? You gotta be, right? Yeah. Side? I'm a stomach sleeper. And you snore

when you're on your stomach? I think so. Heavens to Betsy. I don't know. I'm asleep. Against all odds. I don't know. I'm asleep. You go on there, you take the quiz, and it's like, you need this mattress, that mattress, you need springs, you need temperature control, you need molding, you need firm, soft, whatever.

And it molds directly to you. They mail it to you, and you get the best night's sleep you ever goddamn had because it's molded directly for your body. Now, to me, either me and John have the same sort of body, I don't know about that, or it just means that Helix mattresses are so comfortable, anybody can sleep on them at any time. Right now, you can get $200 off a mattress order and two free pillows when you go to helixsleep.com slash KFC.

Get the soft, the medium, the firm, all the different kinds of mattresses just for your body at helixsleep.com slash KFC. First voicemail. Wait, before we get into that, I want to tell you a story real quick. You're saying body reminded me of this. So I had a little party on Saturday. I had some friends over and some parents of friends and all kinds of stuff. And one of my friend's mother, she's 80 years old, almost 80. So her mother is still alive.

And she's telling a story about how her mother is 98 years old and still as biting as ever. Right. Oh, yeah. And she said, just the other day I walked in to see her, and she said, huh, you put on some weight. And I was like, Jesus Christ, Mom. Like, I'm almost 80. You're almost 100. Fucking hell, we stopped body shaming each other.

And then the hours go by. Day progresses. I go up. We had some sushi platters out there. I go up to get a sushi platter. I've been in the water at this point, so my shirt is off. And she just looks at me and she goes, John, you better not run into my mom. She'll tell you you put on some weight.

And I was like, is she? I still don't know. That's like Trump when he's like, I didn't. I wouldn't. If I was mean, I would say that she's a fat, ugly pig. But I'm not going to do that. Or when he retweets it, so he says, I didn't say that. But I can't tell, like, is she just saying I'm bigger?

Because, like, I have been exercising. I want to say I'm not fat right now. No. But you got that barrel, though. You know? Yeah. You got that big chest It is I'm going to think about it until the day I die

I promise That's going to haunt you for life That might be the cause of death to be honest What do you mean? You want to hear some real depressing shit? That girl Jeanette who wrote the book Her mom who's dead Had eating disorders and passed all that shit on to her

And was tough on her Her mom was in a coma and would never respond except she came in and said hey mom i lost 10 pounds and her mom would like perk up and be like really really like yeah i would have smothered that bitch i'd have been like yeah now i'm lean enough to fucking choke you out you dumb whore um yeah no i mean you're not um you're not fat I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat Skinny fat, brother Yeah, but you'll always have that Chest

Yeah, I'm broad You don't have any You don't have any curves, bro No Your ribcage and your hips Are all the same Your ribcage, your hips, and your hips are all the same. Your rib cage, your hips, and your thighs are all the same. Yeah.

So you just go right down. And then like there's a little bit of taper from your knees to your ankles. You know what I mean? Other than that, you're basically just a rectangle. That's it. You're just a fucking rectangle. Voicemails. What do we got?

What's up, Jackieie uh just quick question uh not really even a question it's just a statement i just feel like it's common courtesy if you're hooking up with someone just like hey i'm on my period no big deal uh chances are fucked up anyway you know running on cheap whiskey and beer i don't need to be surprised by blood on my dick. It doesn't make it any easier for me at that point. Yeah, I don't know. Just had to say that. Anxiety's through the roof right now. On the one hand, I think there is some common courtesy of like, hey, just going to let you know,

I'm going to bleed all over you when we fuck. Yeah. On the other hand, this is a handsome fella, right? I don't know. Yeah. Good looking guy. Good looking fella. And, you know, depending on who he's fucking,

maybe she doesn't want to blow it, you know? Like, if I'm taking you home, like you said, running on whiskey and beer, and maybe I was already, you know, making a bad decision, or not a bad decision, but, you know, one I wouldn't ordinarily make. And then all of a sudden she says, by the way, I'm going to bleed all over you. I'd be like, we pass him. So maybe this chick wants to dick dude.

Kevin, 34 years old now, bro. I know. I know. At this point. I know. Uh, I know. A fucking, a uterine wall turns me on. At this point. I know. Uh, uh, I know. A fucking, a uterine wall turns me on.

Oh my heavens. The word sloth, sloth gets my dick hard. Dude, I, I, don't get me wrong. When I was like in college,

it was a time in my life where I was like, oh, I can't have sex on my period. Yeah. Bro, I'll fart and eat your box on your period. No, you won't.

No, you won't. I don't give a fuck, Don't make promises that you won't. I don't give a fuck, dude. Don't make promises that you can't be. I don't give a god damn. No, no. That's a lie. That's a lie.

I'll fuck a girl on her period. I'm not eating her pussy. Dude, I have run into, let's say since I turned 27, countless times where a girl is like, wait, I'm on my period. And I'm like, if you think I give a single fuck you're out of your god damn mind

would you get self would you tell a guy ahead of time I like get so scared that I'll like tell them way too like I'll be at the bar

yeah yeah by the way I'm bleeding by the way like if you don't want to go like whatever yeah but almost every single guy Will respond with I don't give a fuck

I don't care Will you Will that be like a Boyfriend situation Like if you go out Like if I'm consistently hooking up with somebody Like if you went out for the night Most girls are probably not going to fuck

On the first night anyways, probably double. So if they're on their period, but when, when let's say you, or let's say how like hot does he have to be or how like, like, holy shit,

this guy is like, I don't want to let this opportunity go through, like pass by. I, well, if he was really hot, then I would like make sure not to, because I wouldn't want to be like, sorry, like I. Well, if he was really hot, then I would, like, make sure not to because I wouldn't want to be, like, sorry.

Like, I did just bleed all over your shirt. Like, I would... But would you go home and be like, I'll blow you or something? Not that cute. What? Would you go home and be like, I'll blow you? Yeah, I'll just blow him. There's no camera on Jackie.

Jackie said that so casually. Yeah, just blow him. No, no, no. I'm sorry. That made me sound... But, like, I actually probably would just be like, my roommate needs me and just not go home with him and then just be like, I'll just hook up with him another time. But, like, if that, you know, if that guy was like, all right, like, see, no. I'm sorry. That made me sound... But, like, I actually probably would just be like, my roommate needs me and just not go home with him and then just be like, I'll just hook up with him another night.

But, like, if that, you know, if that guy was like, all right, like, see you never, you know? Yeah, then I'd just blow him. I don't know. Be honest. It is funny. One of the better things that guys somehow pulled off was like, well, if you're bleeding, you have to blow me.

Yeah. Like, you can't not, you know, if you've got your period, you have to blow me. If you've got your period, you have to suck my dick. I'm like, on my period, I'm like, don't worry. I always travel with a black towel, so I'll just lay that down. Could you imagine if a man was just like, don't worry.

Don't worry. I got my Dexter kit with me. We're good. I'm bleeding and a squirt. Jesus Christ. Loose. me we're good yeah that that um i'm bleeding and a squirt jesus christ loose um but so if you if you got surprised by it would you care would you be like whoa could you give me a heads up no no no i wouldn't also sometime if it happened to me i get his sentiment yeah but like me personally i think i'd be like i would assume I'd be like oh you know sometimes you don't know exactly when it's going to start but if it was like you know day three and you're just like fucking

running up in there and it's just a god damn you know red rum scene I guess I was surprised by once in like I didn't know until I got to the bathroom after and I was like oh Jesus well there's always that time where you're like damn you're extra wet and you're like and you also really smell like pennies tonight and then you bathroom after and I was like, oh, Jesus. Well, there's always that time where you're like, damn, you're extra wet. Yeah. And you're like, and you also really smell like pennies tonight.

And then you look down and you're like, oh my God, it looks like you chummed my dick. Even when you know it's still like, um, it's like when you eat asparagus or fucking... You're still shocked by it. You're still like, whoa, what the fuck? Oh, right, right, right. It's a quick moment. But I guess

for his argument, um, I guess like you tell's a quick moment. But I guess for his argument, I guess you tell a girl when you're about to cum. Yeah. We're all trying to keep our bodily fluids contained. It's a fluid that we surprise. I'm about to be in your mouth or whatever. I'm going to cum. I'm going to cum just so you know. But also the thing is, there is no way to avoid the mess.

You can avoid the mess with the cum. You can't avoid... If I'm going to fuck your pussy while it's bleeding, it's going to be a mess. So why even bother, you know? Let's just do it. Yeah. Jackie is being attacked by a bumblebee right now. But it's a bumblebee, but that seems to. It's fine, right?

Yeah. Let's make sure we film this. I don't like it. It's thick. I don't like it. Don't bring it over here. It's your job to stand there and attract the bees away from us. Why? I've never seen a bee like you.

That bee's been around here for like two minutes. That bee has a crush on you. That bee's trying to fuck. Tell him you're on your period. I don't care. I don't care. What's up, KFC? This guy looks like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2.

I've been drinking. But with that being the case, I have a question for you. So I don't know. with that being the case, I have a question for you. So, I don't know, I spent all day pretty much drinking, and like, I thought I was doing pretty good, but,

I'm about to go to bed, and I'm emptying my pockets. I'll find a key. Just one key. I have no fucking clue what it, where it goes to, or what it's supposed to do. I literally don't remember ever getting this key. Like, at all.

Where the fuck does it go? Like... But... My question to you is... What's the weirdest slash unknown thing you've ever acquired? I mean, this man stole someone's keys. There's someone going home that night being like, that fucking weirdo stole my keys from the bar. By the way, I don't get the Ghostbusters 2 reference.

I'm not a nerd. Ghostbusters is a nerd movie? I think Ghostbusters is kind of a nerd movie. Ghostbusters is like a... I know it's like a classic comedy. I just haven't seen it. That's on you. When I haven't seen something, I have to put you down. That's on you, dog.

Waking up with someone's keys is a bit like, well, that's a real inconvenience. Like, I remember there was a bar. I woke up with a pill bottle once. A pill empty or full? Full. Oh, no. What kind of pills?

Not fun ones. That's not good. I forget what it was. I remember finding it on the floor of the bar, and I was like, whoo-hoo. I'm going to look up what these are. No name or anything? It had a name on it. I don't know who it was.

I mean, I don't remember the name, but it was at Dockside in Newport. That's not good. I picked them up, put them in my pocket, went back to the apartment, was like, fuck yeah, I'm going to pop some pills. And then it was like, it wasn't quite heartburn medication, but it was like something of the effect. There was, I mean, this is different, but like there was a bar at Fordham in the wintertime. Like people would like take their jackets off and kind of throw it on this couch.

And then at the end of the night, it was just like a free-for-all. Oh, I'm going home with jackets. It was a very like, well, I'm not a thief, but someone stole my jacket. And I'm not going home cold. So I'm taking someone else's. And then there's one poor bastard at the end of the night who's like, well, I'm the only guy left without a black North Face. Every other one has been stolen. But someone's key is a little bit different because it's like well that's

that might be a problem i accidentally stole someone's coat from the bar once coat or coke coat and and i got all the way back to it was actually i was living in the dorm it was when i got back into college at like 22 living in the dorm uh and i answered the phone and they're like you have my jacket i'm like no this is my coat like arguing with them they're like look at the phone you're on right now and it just wasn't my phone i'm like yeah i'll be right back to the bar yeah all right last voicemail what do we got this guy calling from like the control center of a fucking space station what's up fights kfc uh I was just listening to the Stavros interview, and I thought it was funny. I work at MSG.

He was talking about the show that he did with Sam Morrell here in my first week here interning. I was actually working on that show. It was a weird little, you know, cross-worlds work in my personal life, listening to you guys. But my question is, me and my buddy were having this argument the other day whether or not mac and cheese is a pasta. And I get that there's mac and cheese, there's macaroni in it. That was his argument. But my argument was that if I invite you over for dinner and I say we're having pasta and we're having pasta and we're having

mac and cheese. It's just one big bowl of mac and cheese. This is a literal definition versus like, are you an asshole or not? If I said, let's go have some pasta and I give you SpaghettiOs, if I give you mac and cheese, if I give you

um you know Yeah, it's probably just those two but like come on i fucking does it fall under the pasta you know yes it is the pyramid yeah it has to be pasta but like but it is fucking you know what it is this is this is in my house growing up like the bunch of mix that we are We never had pasta We had noodles What does that mean? Noodles

Pasta was noodles Spaghetti, noodles Elbows, noodles What? Penne, noodles That's crazy town Noodles That's what

Mac and cheese is not pasta It's noodle Get that noodles dude I get what you're saying But like Yeah no If I said hey I'm making pasta, come over, and you show up and I got fucking... Easy mac.

Easy mac. What the fuck is this, dude? Yeah, is your Velveeto over here? Fuck you. No doubt about that. No, it's delicious. I wouldn't even be necessarily upset if we're not eating pasta. What do you mean?

You're calling it pasta? We're switching gears here and now having mac and cheese. I also would accept the answer That mac and cheese is unto itself Like a pop tart What is a pop tart? It's just a pop tart What is mac and cheese? It's just mac and cheese Pop tart's ravioli Pop tart is a breakfast ravioli

I don't hate that But if I did easy mac and didn't put the cheese in You're having elbows, you're having pasta Yeah He just did easy mac but put olive oil in, you're having elbows. You're having pasta. Yeah. You know? Yeah, if you just did Easy Mac but put olive oil in instead. Yeah.

Yeah. It is. It's a literal pasta, but come on now. It is. Here's the deal. You're 100% right. It is pasta.

I'm also 100% right that if you did that to me, we wouldn't be friends anymore. Yeah, I'd punch you in your fucking face. It wouldn't. It wouldn't. I would take the mac and cheese.

I would eat it. I'd probably be more excited. I would fucking leave you. I also think pasta's your fucking face. It wouldn't. I would take the mac and cheese. I would eat it. I'd probably be more excited. I would fucking leave you. I also think pasta's Italian and mac and cheese isn't. That's a good call. Mac and cheese is an American thing. Mac and cheese is Southern. Southern, yeah.

Yeah. So it can't really be. Like pasta, fucking you put the sauce or the gravy or whatever the fucking. Yeah. Whatever the fucking Giovanni Pavinelli over here does. It is not an Italian dish. Mac. It is not an Italian dish. Mac and cheese is not an Italian dish. Pasta is Italian dishes.

I like that. Is it all Italian though? All pasta is Italian? Is that true? Probably, right? Is like gnocchi Italian? Is there any non-Italian pasta? That's, I guess, when you get into noodles

because then you get into, like, you know, like, Asian noodles have a lot of the same, like, tendencies and, like, similarities to pasta, but you would never call that pasta. No, not a chance. Like, lo mein? No fucking chance that pasta.

But if you had, like, a long, I don't know, what's the long flat pasta linguine? It's very similar to lo mein. For sure. So, you know, it's all just about like which ethnicity made it. Yeah. And if it's a southern woman or a white trash fucking, you know, dad making it for his kid, it's just mac and cheese. So I think that mac and cheese would not be considered

Italian. Right, so I was saying, but if I didn't put the powdered cheese in there and we put some fucking aliool on it, then it becomes Italian? It is weird how with food, that all food is just food. Like, we make up these

like, oh, Mexican food. Calories, dude. It's all the same. Oh yeah, there's meat, like, oh, Mexican food. It's calories, dude. It's just, it's all the same. Oh, yeah, there's meat, cheese, carbs. It's all meat, cheese, and a vegan. Well, especially Mexican food. This is a taco, but this is a burrito. This is a chimichanga.

That's a, you know, they're all, like, is the cheese on the inside or the outside? Is the meat wrapped up in this or that? But then you think about, like, a fucking Asian bowl where it's it's like this is chicken and rice and veggies. But this one's called bok choy. I guess like Pav said, like it's the seasoning and the flavoring. There are like five foods. Total. Yeah.

You put in different seasonings, but there are like five foods. Yep. And that's it. It's like pasta, meat, poultry, fish. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. And that was all just getting mixed and matched until you have dishes. Amen.

Speaking of that, I am fucking starving. So we're going to wrap it up. Signing off from the Westport River here with Huckleberry Fights. Huckleberg. Huckleberg. Johnny Huckleberg, Huckleberg, Johnny Huckleberg. We'll see you guys next episode. Make sure you subscribe to KFC radio on YouTube to get all the video content,

uh, subscribe, comment, like, and make sure you turn on the bell notification. So, you know, whatever new video content drops,

I want to say something, but the video has to be fast. That's it.