KFC Radio - The Gang Concocts Jackie's Punishment FT. Brian Simpson

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

- The gang addresses Jackie’s most recent f*** up and concocts a punishment to make up for her mistake - KFC met a WILD character at a wedding this weekend - Chaps has poses a question regarding a pool of soft d*cks - Feitelberg attempts to get his Chakras aligned not once but twice, and failed miserably - Jacqed Up NFL Wildcard Weekend - KFC vs Feits: Are Patriots Fans Finally Feeling Embarrassment? - Voicemails - Brian Simpson on going from homeless shelter to Netflix special in 5 years, Joe Rogan, being in the army, and much more ---------------- Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! ----------------------- ------------------Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO ------------------------- +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Jackie’s punishment 00:37:37:28 - KFC’s weekend wedding 00:51:25:18 - Chaps and soft d*cks 01:09:53:22 - Feits gets his chakras aligned 01:33:32:10 - Jacqed Up 01:40:59:23 - end of patriots dynasty 02:04:03:28 - Voicemails 02:24:38:17 - Brian Simpson +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Betterhelp: Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month. Manscaped: Get 20% off and Free Shipping with Code KFC at https://barstool.link/Manscapedkfc. Fight Camp: Just go to https://barstool.link/FightCampKFC. Napjitsu: Go to barstool.link/napjitsuKFC for 30% off of your first purchase TODAY. Masterworks : Just log on to https://barstool.link/MasterworksKFC to join over 300,000 users Helix Sleep: Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at https://barstool.link/HelixKFC. Would: Shop Would at GetWould.com or at your local CVS. Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's because it's not the skin I'm talking about. I'm talking about the innards. The innards of the dick. Whatever is... No, no, no. This segment's over.

You're now using the word innards. This segment is over. it's another edition of KFC radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Feidelberg and Clancy. We are here to fuck around with the microphones on. Sorry. With the microphones on. That was a good one. You know, I think that was a good one because

I'd rather fuck up big. If you keep fucking up little, you keep fucking up little. You fuck up big and you're like, okay. That's true. That's a good point. You got to rock bottom it. I've never made the same mistake twice. That's good.

That's what you got to do when you're young. I'm fine sitting here until the podcast starts. You get the juices flowing, man. You're a performer. Crazy. If you don't know what we were talking about last episode, Feidelberg's microphone, Owen, man. You're a performer, you know? Crazy. It's crazy. If you don't know what we were talking about last episode,

Feidelberg's microphone, the co-host, was just not turned on. It's good that we do a four-hour podcast, though, because you were off for 20 minutes. Yeah. Jackie, if I were you, I would have argued. I'd be like, the microphone was off for like 4% of the show. Well, you did. She did make that argument.

Oh, you did? Which I did not recommend. Okay. That was, so I say that, I would have said that, but now that I know you said that, are you fucking kidding me? You said that? I just wanted to, you know,

like, I'm just... What? You know, I just... The only time I got like, not... Even this, I wasn't like angry, angry, but the only time I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me was so sorry i didn't realize the mic was on 20 minutes and i raised these audios you can hear them the rest of the podcast completely fine if that makes it every yeah i'm like three

by four are you fucking kidding me jackie if it makes a difference the rest of the time it doesn't here's the here's the thing. What we do here, we put out, yes, we put out a podcast to entertain, but we mold, John. We mold our listeners and our coworkers and the people that come through here. We educate. We tell them about how fucked up life is going to be and all the pitfalls to avoid. We're their guinea pigs, right? So we're really, if you think about it, we're teachers.

Sure. We're like professors of life. Except we don't fucking whine all the time. Yeah, we don't cry like bitches if we actually go to work a year round. Except we literally whine all the time. All the time, and we take off a lot of work, too. But we teach, and especially now that we have our team here. These are learning

moments, and this is not about... don't i don't even i wouldn't even know how to teach you how to turn on the fucking mic but i know how to teach you how to not do that stuff again yeah that's one of those like if you if you're gonna if you're writing that like question mark like you probably know it doesn't make a difference that was you know no looking back on it that was bad yeah but but i woke up i'd had two hours of sleep and i was like i'm just i didn't proof i should have proofread it that was something i should have proofread and then i was like you know i felt the need to at least explain like i thought that maybe

you thought it was yeah the point of that was i thought that you thought wait just real be careful now i'm gonna i just i just i thought that you thought that your mic point of that was I thought that you thought now wait be careful now too no I'm gonna I just I thought that you thought that your mic was off for the whole thing and I just want to inform you

that it was off that is true and it sounds that's dangerous because he like if he did know it's like yeah bitch I know but if you had thought

it was off for four hours it is you know it would make a difference it actually would make a difference only if you didn't know but I didn't know.

I didn't mean it in a sassy way. No, no, no. But, you know... I played the second, third, and fourth quarter, coach. I know I missed the entire first half. But the point... And that's what we do here. We're molding

young minds. You stopped yourself right there because, yeah, it's not about that you didn't turn on the podcast. It's about the microphone. It's about you fucked up colossally at work because everybody, nobody else does podcasts. Very few people turn on microphones for podcasts, but everybody has fucked up something at work where they're, like, totally fucked.

And, like, how do you get through that is something that everybody can relate to. And so I'll tell you what I recommend doing is fucking crying. That was cheating. Sorry. I actually didn't even mean to. I'm not, but I was two hours asleep.

Yeah. And I felt bad. I felt bad. You should have told us beforehand. Let me tell you this. Let me set the scene for when I felt bad. I felt bad. You should have told us beforehand. Let me tell you this. Let me set the scene for when I came in. I came into the studio. I actually wasn't even thinking about like,

what am I going to say? And how is this going to be when I see her? This all sounds very dramatic, by the way. It's not the end of the world, but it was like a big fuck up for in our realm. So it was like, I was like, you know, I sent a text being like, we can't do this. We have to, blah, blah, blah.

But I didn't think about like, what's going to happen when I'm in here. So I walk in and it was empty except Jackie's laptop was on and it was on YouTube and it was playing lo-fi hip hop beats to sleep. Oh no, no. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. That's because when I upload, so that my computer doesn't turn off, I just turn on a YouTube video that's live. Got it. So it's not going to shut off.

Okay. I was actually going to say, and I made a video of it, but my fucking phone had no storage. So I wasn't recording. I was just sitting here talking to my phone like an asshole. So look at me. I can't even press record either, Jackie. But I put the music on. I did't recording. I was just sitting here talking to my phone like an asshole. So look at me. I can't even press record either, Jackie. But I put the music on. I didn't press record.

If that makes a difference. I'll shut the fuck up. But I put on the volume because it was open, but it was on mute. So I put it on, and it was like this jazzy, just instrumental beat. And I was kind of like, okay, I could sleep to this. I could also just vibe to this. I was like, all right. And so I'm like, that's happening.

And then I'm setting up for one minute, man. So I'm not even thinking about any of this. And in comes Jackie. So now it's just us. And I can see that she hasn't slept a minute and has probably strictly been crying. And I was like, fuck! Fuck!

So then it was like, you know, like a fucking parenting moment, you know what I mean? I told myself right before, I was like, Kevin's probably going to be in there, and you're not going to cry. You're not going to cry. And then I cried. And then you were like, how are you? And I was like, I was like, oh, come on, don't cry. She goes, no, I know.

It's just, you know, when someone asks you if you're okay. Which is so true. It's like, you're all good. And then someone says, how are you? You're like, I'm not good. So I was like, this is all cheating. This is all cheating. The, uh, fuck, what was I just going to say?

It is, you should have told us beforehand because then we have said, you would have had to stay up all night. We would have been like, that fucking sucks. Don't ever do that again. But don't stay up all night fucking, uh. Yeah, so who captioned the video? You did? Yeah. So how long did it take?

Go to bed and get a full head sleep. Yeah, captioning a 20-minute segment has to take hours. I didn't caption everything, but I just, like, take hours. I just caption everything by just like, because I pulled up all of his audio, and then I couldn't, like some of it you still couldn't hear. So then I captioned the parts that you couldn't really hear. Because doing captions for one minute, man, is a long time, and it's a minute. So a 25-minute segment was taking forever.

And I was like, oh, well now she's going to be tired and fuck up something else today. But I didn't. You had a clean day. We need this many days since our last incident. If I were, not that I'm, I should shut the fuck up. What I was going to say was think about all the times. I didn't fuck up.

Actually, what we're going to do, I'm going to grant you immunity to say all the stupid things that were in your head right now so that we can discuss with people what you do when you colossally fuck up at work, what you should and shouldn't do. So you are immune from any more. It's almost like when the judge is like, jury, strike this from the record, even though everybody still has it in their head.

So go ahead. Be an idiot. Okay. This kind of feels like a trap. Yep. Okay. Oh, should I not? No, I'm going to say it.

This is a trap, but but again I'm giving you immunity to not be trapped like you can just say it okay okay first of all his voice is loud your voice is loud so in my earphones

I was kind of like it and like you can you can hear you hear but like you sound the same it's like the same because you're right next to me

so it's kind of like what about the levels on the computer yeah yeah yeah that's one I'm not saying like it's a foolproof argument so so did you just for like a half hour 20 22 minutes for 22 minutes that's what we would call a half hour television show by the way that's right eight minutes commercials 22 minutes of tv half hour half hour show. For a half hour,

you just didn't look at the computer? There was probably some... Here's the thing. There's a lot of stuff going on. Again, immunity right now. When you look at that board and the computer screen and everything, what percent of the buttons do you think you know what they do?

I would say 12. 12 buttons or 12%? 12%. This doesn't look good on me, Jackie. What are we doing here? Exactly. Jackie just indirectly under the bus for me. Which was us. You just said exactly? No, no, no, no, no, no, Jackie. What are we doing here? That, exactly. Jackie just indirectly under the bus for me. Which was... You just said exactly?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not exactly that. I was saying, we have to remember, we have to remember, I've been okay, okay. I've been editing for six months. The podcast for six months. And when you think about it, everybody fucks up

in their first year of work. Mine just happens to be super public sure that's very true you know a lot of people tweet at you but at the end of the day like you know if you want if you want some like professional go get them huh go well no i'm not i'm not saying that i'm saying i was like you know that's not the barstool way and so it's like it's like i'm gonna learn i kind of forgot i had a point and then now i will say this you everybody unfortunately if you're on the kfc radio team you do a lot more than like every other producer because we do like 50 different shows if we just had like one show that was all that's all you have to do like that same day i think you were doing lighting for pints and recording and editing for that.

We're doing an ATI. We're doing an interview. So a lot is going on. And yeah, you're 21, 22, and you've been here for six months, and you have to be second. What's the title you gave yourself? He's senior producer now, and what is she? No, I'm supervising producer now. But at one

point, you were trying to give yourself a promotion. She did just get a promotion, actually. And actually, not a good time to bring... Oh, you got a promotion. You earned it. You really earned it. That's something I know. Not a good time to bring it up. And I was going to, at one point, come in here and be like, you know what? Well bring it up. I was going to at one point come in here and be like,

you know what? Well, not actually. I was going to jokingly say, I'm going to demand some more respect around here. But then I was kidding. And then I saw myself and I was like, you know what? Even though it's a joke,

that's not smart to say. Yeah, well, that was smart. And it's lucky you have immunity right now. But you have been thrown into the deep end. We talked about when Hank fucked up back in the day because everything you just said right now, this is all a female Hank. This is so Hank right now.

Even that 12%. That was such a real Hank moment. But Hank was doing the rundown and that was it for a bar stool that was like 1 20th the size of it of what it is today so there's a lot of a lot of pressure a lot of responsibility but that's what we do here we just throw you to the fucking fire and make you sink or swim and right now you're at the bottom of the pool like so all of that is true but also it's like it's the gig you know no also the bottom line of all this is to say i fucked up

that was my bad i am sorry and i feel really bad about it and it's not gonna happen again and from now on i'm going to i'm gonna here's what i'm gonna do is nick said that we're gonna go over all the whatever i'm gonna learn i'm at 12% their technical name 12% we're getting to 100 Jackie we're getting to one I respect Jackie trying to be reasonable 30% because there are some buttons on there come on yeah how many I'm a percentage you said you know 100% yes absolutely yeah all right well then we got to get to one I do know more than them with the board. I'll give her

the one credit of, I'm normally the one in that chair and I got sick so I couldn't come in. She just got thrown into it. And that's on me not letting her do that more. Which is why I'm now just making her do that all the time now. Because that's the only way

her and Pavs are going to take turns and learn it. Also. Because I can't learn anything else from that board. Here's a little quiz. What does this grab button do? Grab that grabs a still shot. I could have said that. I was about to say it gives you a screen grab.

Come on. So what we're going to do, first of all, first of all, moments of growth, not one time. Are you testing me right now? What am I doing? I don't know. You thought he wasn't going to know that? I just...

And grab was the thing you picked? Sometimes I just... I take myself in holes. Yeah, you do. Sometimes I just... You are the whole thing. What were you saying? You were on something.

I was going to give you credit, but boy, you are just the whole digger. I just defended you. You were like, oh, I know. You're so smart. I. I just defended you. You're like, oh, I know. You're so smart. I want to be. I screen grabbed you.

What's this red circular button that says wreck on it? What does that mean? Dude, there was one time. See, I was about to say. I was about to say moments of growth. You have not yet thrown tabs under the bus yet. And she pointed to him. She was about to do it.

No, I was going toabst under the bus yet and she pointed to him as she was about to do it no I was gonna throw myself under the bus because I was like there was one time when I I think this was on the vlog at one point I grabbed the vlog camera

because Pabst was gone and then I I was like it's not working she didn't know what the red button was on the vlog she tried it

you did this oh no and then we were during the whole Tupperware thing she was recording but there was no SD card in it. And it took them all.

This is one of those things. It's like, why did I say that? Yeah, I know. So, again, let's go. She said it so fast. That's what I did. Yeah. This is why I say that.

This is why it's a learning lesson for everybody. Because what happens, you can be, like smartest person in like college and like smartest person, street smart, book smart, smart person. Like aware and capable and all that shit. And you get to your first job and like shit just fucking goes wrong and you just don't know what you're doing. Dude, I. It's scary how dumb you can get when it's like because you because you know what you do in school you have different subjects and different things but it's all the same stuff papers tests presentations you know we're at like

i and and not making the same mistake twice is a huge thing but i remember being was i was interning for like my last summer before having a full-time job at a trading desk and they gave me a huge stack of papers to photoshop to make copies of and i just didn't know there's a tray on top that you can put in that just feeds it in so i just sat there opened it put one piece of paper in press copy opened it put page two in press pressed copy, did it for it was like 300 pages. And they, you know, eventually, I don't even

remember, but they left to like go trade for like the day, you know, came back and I'm still sitting there like, and they're like, what are you doing? You moron, you know? And I'm like, I'm a pretty like with a guy. And you're too embarrassed to ask a question. Yes. Or too embarrassed to say,

like, look for help, which is why Jackie stayed up all night. Yeah. Fucking captioning. Captioning. Like, what should I do now?

It's like, you do panic. You have, we were like, I have fucked up. How do I cover this up? Yes. That is,

how do I bury this turd in the sand? Now here's the question. Do you, I am, I am Mr. Like, you know, say it to make it deny, deny, deny. Do question do you I am I am Mr. like you know say it to make it deny deny deny do

should you try to cover up cause like sometimes you can maybe you can get away with it something like when you're dead to rights like no

but if you fuck up sorta and it was kinda your fault but someone else's and kinda your fault but like not you know something happened

do you do you try to get away with it first or do you just and it was kind of your fault, but someone else's, and kind of your fault, but, like, not, you know, something happened. Do you try to get away with it first, or do you just go around? It is. It's an interesting kind of dichotomy, I guess, of human nature, where, because internally, you know, you're a regular person, and you understand fuck-ups happen, and you're, like, not going to be a dick. So you would want someone to tell you the truth, and just be like, hey, I fucked up. And you would go, don't let it happen again.

Jack, you let something happen one time. Yeah. And cool, and we'll move on. But when you're the one who fucked up, your internal voice is screaming, do anything but tell them. Yes. Do anything but tell them. But if it was you who were in charge,

you'd be like, just tell me. We'll get through's also it's also in relationships it's like in everything you know what i mean like i i still do this where if i'm in trouble with with a chick it's like just fucking say you know like oh i i like double booked it i can't come tonight or i'm not gonna pick you up or whatever but instead i'm like waiting to the very last possible second to see if – because I don't like to shoot myself in the foot because what if something happens and it clears up on its own and I got a bullet in my foot and I shot myself in the foot for no reason. But inevitably, I make it 100 times worse by lying or –

not even lying, just being like, I'm not going to bring this up yet. You know what I mean? But you used to do it with Dave. You would be like, I'm late because I didn't get up but that's different like that's that's that's not me proactively going to tell him that's i still do that you're caught but you're good i admit fall my great i fucked up well i don't think anybody you should never put it this okay that was that was the horse was out of the bar on that one. The fucking episode was out. The fans knew. Like, if you had done that, and the episode was not published yet, and there was some way to fix it, you know,

I wouldn't come marching in and being like, I forgot to press, I forgot to turn it on, if you can maybe somehow cover it up. You know what I mean? I'm curious. Did you think that you fixed it? Like, did you think you did it? No, no, no.

I knew it was going to be obvious. I put disclaimer. I was just about to say, did you see the disclaimer? Yeah, yeah, did you think you did it? No, no, no. I knew it was going to be obvious. I put disclaimer. I was just about to say, did you see the disclaimer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had audio issues with fights, Mike, for the first 22 minutes of the podcast, so it may sound odd for a little bit. So sorry about this. Yeah, I thought that was going to be enough.

And for some reason I was like, tweet at them if I... Well, I just thought it was funny that there was no text message or anything. I found out from I just thought it was funny. There was no text message or anything. I found out from Twitter, which was not good. I took... Yeah. There's always people complaining here and there.

Sometimes it's people just being picky about audio. But they were like, Fyke's mic is not on. I was like, not at all? I went to check. I never go check. What do you mean it's on, on, on? Yeah.

It's not like a perfect audio sound. I'm like, go fuck yourself. This was like, yeah like like like perfect audio sound i'm like go fuck yourself this was like yeah she forgot to turn it on but like so i don't think you should ever own up to it before you have to but even that like no that one this is probably a very much do not listen to anything i'm saying because i am the king of trying to get away with it and never getting away with it and being like an idiot about it. So like maybe the real way to do it is like if it's kind of like Dukes with Dave when he was like, I'm an idiot. But even then it was when he once he had fucked up. I don't think you should go in there before you have to. But I think in any situation, if you just go to the boss or whoever and say, I fucked up.

I don't think you have to be a real asshole, like sociopathic maniac to then still bury someone. It's just like, all right, they're copping to it. And what is there left to say? Here it ends up being content. So it's easier to do it. But yeah, like even maniacs be like, fuck you. It sucks. I fucked up plenty of times.

Yeah. I mean, I think I said with Pavs when he fucked up with Taylor Tomlinson, I was like, you get a free one, the second one I'm annoyed, and the third one, like, you're fired. And we're on, like, the fifth one, but it's all good. We're all good. It's also, like, this is so much more. This is what happened with Rico Bosco where it's like,

if you do that in corporate America, you're instantly fired it's we're not in corporate america it's like a locker room where if someone punches a teammate in the face you don't get cut you get suspended or internally punished and then that's it this is way more of like a sports uh setting so when you're great for content and you have new merch and you have a new segment and you're doing the vlog and you are a female Feidelberg with a weird brain you get to fuck up like if all you were supposed to do was

technological, technical stuff I'd be like well we need to find a new technical person but you do so much else are we in like the free circle again? sure you're in the free circle again? Sure. You're in the free circle. You're always in the free circle. At this point, you just have the immunity

idol from Survivor. You can just go. What is it? Well, technically, I keep starting things technically. I fucked up that one time when the audio was overlaying. Babe, let me tell you something real quick. I don't really know all the times you've fucked up,

so don't list them all out. I'm sure Nick has covered for you several times. I feel like a lot of times that you're thinking of was when Apple I don't think so, was when Apple just didn't put the podcast out and people were like, oh, you forgot to put the podcast out. No, that's not your fault.

But I feel like maybe in the back of your head, you're like, oh. No to put the podcast out no that's not your fault that's not your fault exactly but i feel like maybe like in the back of your head you're like oh no no no i'm talking about specific yeah it was in the back of my head oh oh oh yeah i usually text him and i say is this apple's fault or our fault and then he tells me so but but i usually check that first and then there was like one time when like i just i put it out like late and then niggas going crazy over there. I'm pretty sure we're beyond my three strikes rule, but not by much. And again, it balances out with jacked up and merch and being funny and all this other shit. So, you know, it's like I said, Jackie was like Rookie of the Year, right?

It's like, you know, Rookie of the Year puts up like 15, six assists, six boards, but she stinks on defense. She'll learn. She'll learn how to play D. You'll get to the fundamentals. Yeah, right. Jamar Chase didn't block great this year. Exactly.

Figure it out. Right, right. So you're good. Definitely. But for regular people, I do probably think, I don't think I could do it, but I do probably think it's like, march in there, like, I'm so sorry, I have completely botched this thing. Yeah. And I think they'll be like, all right.

I respect your honesty. Wish it didn't happen, but yeah. And also, I think it's really got to be like, case by case. Like, you walk into, like, your hedge fund manager, management team, like partner. Don't tell me you accidentally fucked his wife. Well, yeah, but I also think there are places that are like high stakes. Keep that one under wraps. Damn, you might definitely want to keep I fucked your wife until the last possible second.

I'm going to down low. If they accuse you of that and you're just like all right bubba you got me busted you got me i fucked her you're still you're still in trouble i think there are certain jobs probably like high stakes like legal firms and hedge funds and politics and shit where they might be like okie dokie pack your shit up you're fucking fine but for the like probably like 99 of regular jobs i think copping to it and being like, here's the deal. I fucked this up. And I'm like, but I'm, you know, tell me what to do next and I'll do anything, you know.

And they'll probably be like, okay, here's what to do. And also like within reason, like you're young, you're new. If you're like 35, I'd be like, you should get your resume ready, you know. But it is the worst feeling in the world. Your body just gets hot. Yeah, we've talked about it kind of ad nauseum. In my big fuck-ups, I've been like, I'll just go get another job. Yeah.

Final word is ready to catch a flight. I'll be a Walmart greeter, whatever. Those dudes really have a good time. I'll cut an arm off it seems like it'd be a necessity for the job and what is good i actually think um i don't think we've um sufficiently done like the punishment though oh no we're gonna it's gonna be like yeah we need to do we need to do the punishment. I was thinking, you know, Hank did the I'm an internet troll for 30 days.

Ah, yes. I was thinking maybe I didn't turn on the microphone. Just something as basic as that, but she just has to wear an ugly t-shirt that says that for 30 days. I was thinking... Or the Dunn's cap. You had to wear that for a while, right? Or that was on the shirt, the Dunn's cap.

Someone tweeted this to me, and I hadn't really thought of a time frame for it, but maybe 30 days is good. Beans and socks. Beans and socks, yes. Yeah, you have to wear bean socks for a month. Socks with

beans on them? Beans in my socks? It's your fucking invention, girl. I know, I know, but... Whatever you do with beans and socks. I don't think you guys, I don't think you guys know how the bean socks work. You can't, like, really walk around in them that well. You can exercise in them, but you can't walk in them? I'll do, like, leg lifts in them. Yeah, no, yeah, no, I'm sure.

I know how they work. I can picture it being pretty difficult. I do prefer, actually, open beans in the socks. How about we, maybe we give her, like, you can do open beans in the socks. How about we, maybe we give her like, you can do open beans in the socks for a week or cans of beans for a month. Something like that.

I don't know if I want Jackie wearing open beans. I mean, you can't like, I, the, the, the really fun part with Hank was it was 24-7. Yeah, no, this will be 24-7.

Yeah, so, like, we will. Just constant beans and socks. Yeah, like, we will FaceTime you, and if you're not wearing bean socks, like, you're done. Okay. No, I'll do it. I, Okay. Do it. You got to do it, and we'll give a couple exemptions.

I don't know. What if... If you're wearing a dress or something, you can't have bean socks on. No dresses this month. Okay. Have I ever... I don't know if you have a wedding or something like that.

I'm not going to ruin anything. But your regular ass life. You're not going to pay a friend to get married. I'll also allow this. You can't ruin anything, but your regular ass life. You're actually going to pay a friend to get married. I'll also allow this. You can do, because I imagine it's a little difficult with moving. We'll allow, you can add a little duct tape on the outside. You can tape your bean socks. For stability.

If you get a pair of men's tube socks, I feel like it'll fit. The can will fit in there. That's what I do. Wait, so let me get this straight. Let me get this straight. She was so annoyed by that. Don't tell me I have a beanbag socks. So I have to walk around the office.

Nope. Everywhere. Everywhere. Do you know what 24-7 means? No, I know what 24-7 means. How would you know? We FaceTime you. Well, yeah.

Wait, Jackie, what's up? Let me see if you... And you got to answer, you know, I don't want it to be like they're calling. You can't pick up on like the fifth FaceTime ring because then I know you're getting your beans and putting your socks in. Like, I want to answer... If you're around the house, there can be a little leeway. But if you're outside.

Yeah, you got to be walking around with bean socks. And in the house, I guess I'm giving the leeway there just so I know you can beat us. It will be tough to catch you. You got to take them out, yeah. This sucks, man. Yeah, it's not sick. Also bear in mind. We'll somehow raise canned goods for charities.

For the people who need canned goods. It's just, okay. It's so much. Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. There you go. There you go, girl. Also, bear in mind,

we're going to forget about this in like 10 days. Or we'll give you an out. How many ad reads were in that last episode? Four. Okay, so if you find out what an ad read is running on KFC Radio these days, and you

pay back that full sum for four ad reads, because... Oh, babe, you're doing a month. People probably turned off the episode and be like, I'm not dealing with this for full time. You can do that if you want, but you're doing a month. People probably turned off the episode and be like, I'm not dealing with this for full time. You can do that if you want, but you're doing bean socks. Yeah. How much does it run?

I don't know. You want to go rob a bank? Yeah. You won't pay rent at all. If you want to be homeless and rob a bank, then that works. Okay. What if just the punishment is just because I felt really bad? Wait a minute.

Here's the thing. You don't get to make your own punishment. There's no rebuttal here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob, this is the pitch. What if we just leave it as is? We're in the circle. I feel so bad. And I cried. She did cry. She did feel bad.

I did feel bad. I cried. The remorse is there. Is that the full pitch? Here is honestly the thing. This is the other thing. Another thing. You know what? Continue with the full pitch? Here is honestly the thing. This is the other thing. Another thing. Yeah. You know what? Continue with the full pitch. What else you got?

That was about it. What do you think the punishment, because don't tell me time served. Don't tell me you just felt bad. There has to be some sort of punishment now. What do you think it should be? Maybe I. Because I'm open to ideas. Sure, yeah. It's better than bean socks. maybe I because I'm open to you know ideas

sure yeah maybe this is something like we throw to the people well we did something that's easier I mean we did and that was probably one of the nicer ones

I also think that's a dangerous game to play you think that they're going to come up with something less harsh than us yeah you're right you've met people right yeah I know they're going to be like feed her to tigers beanstalk just sounds like it's gonna mess up

some outfits and like everything like that yeah for sure god i hope she goes home with somebody with beans um can i think about it no oh wait yeah, yeah, fine. You have the episode. We'll give you the episode. The alternative is what? No, you quit? No, no, I was just going to try and... I'll just do the beanstalk. There you go. If you need something better during the recording, you can have that.

But that is... We'll do beanstalks. Sorry. The other... Yeah, because there... It can't just be that you feel bad because that's the other side of it where it's like i hate i hate it but i said it a million times like there are never fuck-ups with dave's shit because people live in fucking fear and just would never have

it happen and even if you don't realize it, you start to take advantage of, you know, a pussy boss basically. So there has to be something, even though I know 100% you felt bad and 100% don't want to make that mistake and probably won't make that mistake. But if you wear bean socks for a month, you're not going to make that mistake.

If I let you off the hook right now, you could make that mistake again. No, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like truly, truly like petrified to make another mistake. If I let you off the hook right now, you could make that mistake again. No, I'm like truly, truly petrified to make another mistake. I don't trust myself. I texted Nick, I don't trust myself. She offered to trade jobs with Pav.

She's just like, Pavs can just do the podcast now. I'll make promo. No, we're not doing that. No, we don't need to do that. A little dose of petrification is good. Sadly, it works, I actually like... Sadly, Matt, it works, you know?

I've thought about, like, I thought about, like, what happens if I lose this job? Like, I'm, like, petrified. Like, I do want you guys to know. Yeah, no. Well, it's the old, like, do you want people to know? Good, I guess? Yeah.

Well, it's when... I guess the response is good. When people say... Good, the 21-year- old girl is terrified of her bosses. Yeah, we're back baby. No, I. You look at people who are terrified. And it's like Hank was terrified.

Frankie was terrified. They go on to fucking great things. Nick was terrified. I've done my best work when I thought I was going to be canned. That's really. I hate it. I wish there was something different in human nature but that's when people are their sharpest and their most focused and they quadruple check not when it's like oh i like this job things are

going well so i'm gonna really be good at it because you just start to rest on your laurels which it sucks so it's like would like, would you rather be loved or feared? What is it? I want people to love me so much they're feared. Yeah, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. I wish it was that. But instead, it's like, I want to be loved, but just like in the occasional petrification.

So bean socks, unless you come up with something better. When does it start? Tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. Okay. Bean socks, unless you come up with something better. When does it start? Tomorrow. What's going through your head about the last? What's the worst part of bean socks? The logistics. I go on the train. People look at my bean socks.

I have to just be like, just shake it off. I walk in. I actually think we might add a stipulation much like an ATI. You have to say, I like my bean socks. When people say why you should say, why,

why don't you have bean socks? That's you have to say that to them. Why don't you wear bean socks? I'm growing. Yes. I'm what? I'll maybe I'll come out at the end of this. Oh,

well, because of like working out. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, maybe you'll love being. Yeah, exactly.

Um, and then I walk around and people are like, is this like some bit? What's going on? And then. I mean, you can explain the truth. You'd be like, this is punishment from my bosses. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to get you a lot of attention. Yeah. I just don't. Yeah. But like I also have to wear bean socks. Yes, that is. Yes, that is the point. Also, maybe

maybe so what? It starts we're doing 17th 18th to 18th. Is that how we're going to do it? And I will, so February 18th. I love that. That's an insane amount of time to wear bean socks.

It's a month. It's a insane amount of time to wear bean socks. It's a month. It's a crazy amount of time to wear bean socks. It's four weeks. Ten seconds is an insane amount of time to wear bean socks. A month is completely absurd. You invented bean socks. It's insane. I'll give you...

I'll cut it down to the 14th so that means your last work week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday depending on Beanstalks in Vermont? I'm starting to question whether you know what 24-7 means

That's a good one I get it 18-18 I'll it. 18 to 18. I'll make it 18 to 14 depending on your jacked up performance. Wait, am I sleeping in my bean socks? Nah, I mean... No.

It's... Any time that you need to wear socks, it needs to be bean socks. Yeah. And you can't, you know, like, you can't not wear socks with your shoes or whatever. Anytime you're out, the official times you can't, you don't have to wear bean socks.

In the shower. When you're sleeping. And that's really it. Mm-hmm. Yep. Fit pic every morning. Pants up. Bean socks.

And you have to leave your socks on. If you know what I mean. She does. Wait, what? Just think on that one for a minute. But I will cut four days off if your jacked up performances are good for, like, in the playoffs. Yeah. So we got some jacked up coming up.

And depending on how good you do that, you can shave some days off your bean socks I mean yeah I don't have much yeah yeah yeah yeah let us know your worst work fuck ups we'll put that out to Instagram too

we'll post that what is your worst work fuck up and how did you handle it? Did you shoot yourself in the foot? Did you lie? Did you deny? Did you own up to it? Did you have to wear bean socks?

I bet you regret inventing bean socks now. Yeah, I really do. I really, really do. Because what else would the punishment have been? There's no plan B. We saw that. We'd have found something. We'd have found something, but not quite like bean socks.

You're going to need a lot of 3G this month, Jackie, to stay relaxed and be like, yep, I'm wearing bean socks, but I am good. I'm chilling because I got that Delta 8 THC running through my veins, and it's all from 3G, who is the leader in the Delta 8 THC product world. They are the true leader. There are some new pretenders. They are not contenders. They are not the real deal. There can only be one

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They're always coming up with new types of candy, types of food. They've got everything from Rice Krispie Treats, cookies, brownies, like sour gum balls, like candy balls sort of. And they have them all in different orders, different sizes. And it's THC. It's a Delta-8 version of THC, which we learned from Jim Belushi last week. It's just THC. Marijuana, the active ingredient is THC, and there's different compounds in there.

This is like a little chemical tweak, but it's still just THC, which means you're going to get high. You're going to get the euphoria. You're going to get the giggles. You're going to get the, uh, the relief, uh, the relaxation, the chronic restlessness and anxiety will all be reduced. And, uh, you'll get that good feeling that we love from, uh, cannabis. So, uh, now, get 5% off your purchase when you use promo code KFCRADIO. If you are used to the old promo code, we got a new one. It's 3chi.com, the number 3, C-H-I.com. Use promo code KFCRADIO, all one word, to take 5% off your purchase.

Must be 21 to purchase. Use responsibly and get get that three chi high going i went to a wedding this weekend and met an all-time character all time character in my life proceed this dude how so first of all paint a picture what do they look like the dude from super bad famous actor but i don't know his name The dude from Superbad who hits them with the car, and it's his. When you said the dude from Superbad, I didn't know who you meant. Yep. So, yeah, the guy who, you know, he fights them in the end because he.

Got his period on his lap. Oh, no, wait, sorry. Shit, wait, no, I'm wrong. Shit. As soon as you said that, I'm talking about, I thought that was the same guy. It's the dude who hosts the party, who beats up Jonah Hill because the girl perioded on his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a famous guy, too, right?

That's who I thought you meant. But also, those guys, it's almost like if you took that dude's mannerism, like behavior, and the looks of the guy from Superbad, or the guy from the party, that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. That's fucking, I know, that's fucking, he's very famous. He's been in like a million things. He might be my new guy who I know that I don't know.

What's his name? Kevin Gordon. I mean, gun to my head, I wouldn't have even come close. So this dude was a last minute invite. I think there was a plus one situation that went awry and he got the invite so he rolls to this wedding he knows nobody not a soul he's just a friend who got the invite i think was there for you know uh moral support because you know when a plus one situation gets messed up you can imagine it gets messy, whatever. And this dude rolls in,

feel the thrill. I mean, you know there's always one person at the wedding who puts on a performance? Yeah, I know how people say that. I haven't really... There's usually like an MVP. I don't have... Maybe I just don't want to hang on the right crowds. I don't get invited to the MVP circles.

But like, weddings, I guess weddings, I give the MVP to everybody usually there's one who stands out to me who's like, he's the guy and you might not even like this, some people don't like this stuff but he's the guy who like, gets his belt off to start doing limbo and he's the guy who grabs grandma and starts dancing

with her and is putting on, you know like we'll clear it out and do like a somersault and like the focus of everyone's attention. That was this guy, but he knew nobody and nobody knew him. So it was like he solo crashed a wedding. He was invited but crashed a wedding? Yes, basically.

And he just, he had this catchphrase. He just kept saying, gabagool. He would just be like, I don't know, guys. Gobble Ghoul, you know? And then he would move on to the next, he would go from table to table, combo to combo, dance floor to dance floor section,

meet you at the bar, meet you by the food, and he'd be like, Gobble Ghoul, man. Kept touching me, which I don't care for. A lot of the shoulder rubs. He did that thing,

again, never met this guy. You know when you go behind someone and you push on their shoulders and you can get really high? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you jump. Like on the dance floor. Yeah, but we weren't really dancing at that point. He was just doing it to me. I was like, what is happening right now?

And a lot of shoulder rubs. And then I couldn't tell if he was doing this on purpose. He kept going, you look familiar. And I was like, if you just know me, just say it. That's the worst. Where do I know you from? I'm not going to tell you. familiar. And I was like, if you just know me, just say it. That's the worst. Where do I know you from? I'm not going to tell you. Right.

So either, unless you, if you're genuinely like, I can't place you, but more often than not, it's like, where are you from? And it's like,

you know, so just say it. So he, I don't know. I've said it before. I'm like, that's not it. Yeah.

The last wedding I was at, somebody said, are you the guy from Barcelona? I said, yes. They said, no, you're not. Maybe they were thinking of someone else. Maybe they were mixing me up with Dave or something. I was like, yes, I fucking am. He was such a character

that nobody knew. I don't know if it was me that brought it up or him, but it was like, you're familiar from somewhere and we landed on porn. I was like, I do porn. What? And he was like, he's all fucked up too.

His kid is blapped, you know? And he was like, you do, man. How long do you last, bro? That's a crossover there. Yeah. If I can work a tushy raw, that'd be great.

He was asking me how long I last and what it's like and I'm just going with it at that point. Does that happen at this weddingy Raw. He was asking me how long I last and what it's like and I'm just going with it. What? This happened at this wedding? Yes. This Gabagool kid thought you were a porn star. Yes. Because I said I was. Right, right, right. But you got deep enough that you were having

conversations and you're still not sure if he was like, alright, I'm talking to the KFC radio guy about porn, this is funny. Or if he's like, maybe he thought. He was fucked up enough that he could have believed it, but also maybe he's fucking Phil. He's a crazy man. Maybe he's in on the joke. You got a James Dean vibe to you.

I can see it. Hey. That guy, as long as it's all consensual, I will take that. I want to fuck like James Dean. If someone said, how does that guy fuck? And they said like James Dean, I'd be like, okay, yeah. That's good. Phil the Thrill, though, was, he did this move.

I've never seen a wedding where more people spilled on the dance floor, by the way. Like, I would probably say like 10 smashed glasses with drinks everywhere. And this one poor woman comes out there to try to clean up. And he grabs the co-worker, like the worker there. And he's like, no, no, no, don't worry, don't up and he he grabs the the co-worker like the worker there and he's like and he grabs the napkins he puts four of them down and they and he puts her two feet on and his two feet on it and then grabs her hands and they start dancing and cleaning it up with their feet i mean he had like a million moves it was like he was a professional and eventually we were like i hated him in the beginning i was like i was a professional. And eventually, we were like, I hated him in the beginning.

I was like, I fucking hate this guy. He's touching me too much. He's so annoying. Nobody even knows who he is. And by the end of it, I was like, this motherfucker, he won me over. That's how that person is received at all times. Every room he walks into, that's how he's received. Absolutely.

And it's whether or not you can win him over or not. Everyone's like, I don't have the energy for this. Yes. Yes. And sometimes you never do, you can win over it. Everyone's like, I don't have the energy for this. Yes. And sometimes you never do and you end up just hating that guy for life. But I was like, I'm at a wedding. Would I rather be like that or the fucking stick in the mud over there sitting there? It wasn't any fun.

There's a gray area. There is. And that's where you should probably try to live. I'm not going to. I'll never be either. I'll let this be the bride's day. Yes. But I won't be a wet blanket either For sure Then that's where Everybody should live You know

For all occasions But at one point We took That dude's name isn't Kevin Corrigan No It's just not Find out his real name It just can't be

I mean I believe you But it's also It's just not Towards the end We took a picture together And it was kind of a group picture It never came up who you actually are? Never confirmed nor denied.

I don't know if he was in on it or whatever. Most people there did know me or asked or whatever. Maybe he heard via the grapevine but never directly. At one point, we're taking a picture and our arms around. I think it was like everybody on three, at this point like we're taking a picture and like our arms around and i was just i said i think

i think i think i think it was like everybody on three like gabakool because at this point everyone knew his fucking catchphrase and i was like man that was crazy and he and he looked at me and he was like you will never forget this moment and i was like i was like you know what you're probably right i was like now now i definitely won't yeah that's what I mean. I was like, you are either the most fun person at the wedding I've ever been around, the biggest asshole at the wedding I've ever been around, the most

fucked up, the craziest, the funniest. It's one of these extremes. But I will give it to you. I will probably never forget you, Phil. I will probably be on my deathbed being like remember that dude Phil that was fucking wild

man so shout out to Phil dude I mean it was he was also doing this thing I don't know how he did it he kind of did a slide across the dance floor like he had Heelys on Heely wheelies but he kept leaving like a really big fucking

skid mark. Skid mark. And I was, I was, it got, it got rude. At one point, another guy at the wedding

was like, dude, you should probably cut it out because I was like, I was like making him do tricks. I was like, do that thing. Do this thing.

Go fetch. And then he did a, like a long skid and then I think he got in trouble for it. And I saw him kind of like, what do him kind of like arguing with an umpire. What are you talking about? That wasn't me.

It could have been him. It could have been them. They were like, stop fucking doing that, Phil. It was wild, dude. It was an experience. So, Phil, I will never forget you. That's it. Today on the show, we got Brian Simpson, who I think is probably, if I had to pick,

I would say that 2021 belonged to Shane Gillis. MVP, comeback season, if you will. Easy. Easy MVP? Yeah. Easy MVP. And I'm not saying Shane Gillis' numbers and future is in store for this guy just this year.

But I do think 2022 has a chance to be a big one for Brian Simpson. When Joe Rogan's putting out all the time. Brian Simpson's getting all the publicity. I'll tell you exactly why I think Brian Simpson is going to be his year. One, Joe Rogan puts you on. That's the kiss. That's the Midas touch right now. Um,

two, I believe he has genuinely, truly, I think the funniest joke of all time, the funniest joke that has ever been written by a comedian start to finish with a setup and a punchline. I think he has that. And you're seeing a lot of that on Instagram.

I won't spoil it. Cause you heard in the interview, he also has a top three answer to the internet answer. Oh yeah. Yeah. What type of porn do you watch if you can only watch one type of porn for the rest of your life his answer the the answer and the delivery of it it's all-time funny and so a couple moments like that a different answer what i was thinking about a different answer a different question really yeah which question for you wbc wbc westboro oh he has two top he has two top two answers he's got the top two answers so go watch answer the internet right now it's out now two all-time answers one type of porn for the rest of your life and the westboro

baptist church question uh and his interview is great too he's just a he's he's got like a really friendly vibe to him which is funny because i didn't think that at first i thought he was going to be a very like dry and like bust your balls type of like sense of humor but he's like really friendly and and just fuck i mean all his jokes on on the the um the comedians the comics the stand-ups was called uh on netflix the stand-ups yeah when he leads off being like you know reparations man like i didn't think that was reasonable until the the the pandemic you know it's like we can't give out all money to the everybody in the in the country he's well, looks like he could for the fucking pandemic, dude. His reparations jokes were unbelievable.

So he is for sure on the come up, but I think it's going to be a big, big year for him. So we got our interview with him on this podcast. We got Answer the Internet out now. Subscribe to both the KFC Radio YouTube channel. You can watch the interview and the Answer the Internet channel where you can see his performance on that. So we got that interview with Brian Simpson coming up. It's our coming up.

It's our Tuesday up. It's the first ever jacked up playoff edition. We'll be coming your way. We've also got Feidelberg who went to get his chakras cleaned or done. Healed. Healed chakras as well as, of course, voicemails. Top five we're not doing today because we can't think of anything good. So fuck you guys. We need you to tell us what top fives you want us to do

and we'll get back on the horse. So tweet at us with ideas for our top five drafts and we'll get back into that. But first, before we get into any of that, we've got Pappy Chaps on the line for a little impromptu session. I don't even know what's going on here.

I think you said you wanted this to be a surprise? Yeah. Because Fight Test not told anybody what this is about. I'm assuming with you, it might be like butthole related. Close. I'm just saying it's a wild card. You never know what it could be. You're in the neighborhood. Is it balls stuff? No.

We're closer though. Warmer? Dick stuff? Yeah. Okay. Dick stuff. Dick stuff. I went up you know, I traveled upwards. Chaps, he called me Friday night. Was it Friday night? Yeah, I think so. I think it was Friday. Friday night, Friday evening, something like that.

And posed just a delightful question that I'm going to let him pose here. And I thought, I was like, you know what? We got to discuss it on KFC Radio. I mean, if it's dick talk, we do. We do. All right. So let me set the scene a little bit. Actually, wait.

Pause for a second. Let me set this scene for other people. If you're not watching, Chaps is doing it from his spot where there's just every American president plastered against the wall. We've got like Marines. Except two, and it triggers people big time. All the president, but two. I don't have Trump, and I don't have Biden up there because I don't want those two fucks associated with me.

Andrew Jackson is staying with Trump and Biden. We're doing AJ still up there, huh? But no Biden. So all the presidents, we've got Marine Corps, like slogans and pictures. So all of that's up. If you're not listening, if you're not listening if you're not watching you should be go to the youtube but if you're listening keep that in mind while we talk dicks go ahead

and i don't remember where it started in my brain but the there's something about a cock like a flaccid cock that is just so comfortable like like if you look at it when it's flaccid we've always thought of it's kind of gross and i think like women being like oh i don't want an unsolicited dick pic to me a soft dick is like human stuffed animal like where you can just as long as it's not hard once it becomes hard then things get nefarious and gross but if it's soft and you just like rest your head on it and it's basically so soft it's made of that same kind of silky material the dermatologists want us to use so we don't get as many wrinkles like if you had a beach like a bean bag full of dicks it would be the most comfortable chair in your house.

It is. When Chaps caught me with this, I was like, holy shit, he's 100% right. The texture of a penis. A penis is one of the more miraculous things in the world. Because I said it's a shapeshifter. It lives in a state that we haven't quantified yet. It's like when water can be a solid, gas or liquid your dick is a little bit of everything. Your dick is like a kitten.

It's just like a mouse that can kind of ship into any shape it gets on there, right? Yeah, like a mouse can fit through a hole this big. I could fucking put my dick in a... I could put my dick through a fucking pinhole. It would just get stretched and skinny and pulled.

Our dicks are Scott Calvin going into a house without a chimney. When it just fits down that pipe. You can stick your dick in anything and fill it up the same exact way whether it's a shot glass or a protein shaker.

Well, Tabs, in that sense, it is gaseous. So it's liquid, solid, and gaseous. It fills up the whole room. It does fill. Yeah. It does. A dick is the center of attention. Every room it goes in fills the whole thing just like a gas.

Now, wait. Here's my problem, though. First of all, we kind of had this discussion a while back. I don't think that you can call our dicks, certainly when they're soft, cocks. we had this talk a cock a cock is usually like a 10 incher probably not really many white guys with cocks like that's a that's a different that's when your dick is shape-shifting to its final form so we can't call it a cock no also but did anyone pose that idea he well he said cock in the

very beginning well okay well i just wanted the way that you cocks can go two ways too like you got your hard c like you got your big capital letter c cock and that's when that thing is just ready to go to pound town and then you got yourself you got your casual passers-by cock where like if you're walking past like a fucking harris teeter and somebody's pissing me like that guy's got his fucking cock out so here's my thing i i've said this many times too my small cock my soft cock embarrassingly small i mean it's just so small that it almost transfers over, crosses over into like button, button territory.

That almost- You get out of the shower and it's cold. Yeah, where it's like going inside almost. And that I don't like. That doesn't give me the soft, cuddly beanbag chair feeling. I need my dick on a good dick day, still soft, when it hasn't begun to defy gravity yet, and it's still just flopping there,

and it kind of rests. It rests on my balls, much like it's like a butter, it's like a stick of butter in the butter dish. You know what I mean? It's like they go inside of it, like hand in hand, my dick goes into my balls.

Hot dog in a bun. Yeah, hot dog in a bun, where it's's just that's what i could take a nap on well well we've long thought of cox wrong i think we've always viewed the combo of testicles and penis as batman and robin where the penis is batman we've got that all wrong. The penis follows the lead of the testicles. Okay. So, for instance, when you're cold, if your balls start to shrivel up, your dick looks at your balls and is like, oh, the balls are tightening up.

Retreat. I better get out of here. Retreat, retreat, yeah. And like straights back in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the penis follows the lead of the ball. But when I have a long ball day, you ever have a long ball day and good wood,

and then you almost have that flying squirrel attachment from your dick to your balls? You know what I mean? I feel like if I had a long ball day with my good dick day and I was outside nude and a gust of wind hit me, I feel like I could be taken away with that thing. It's a jib. You got your jib out.

You change direction. You old sailor. You're a jib. You got your jib out. You changed it around. You old sailor. You used it as a runner. My dick got to be flying away. I'd be like Harry Potter playing Quidditch with that thing. Flying around with my dick and balls. But the – Chaps had a – and this is where I really thought that you kind of hit a home run is Chaps said if there was a pool of

flaccid dicks, would you jump in it? And I'd jump in in a heartbeat. I would jump in. I am officially out. It's fucking, like, it's comfy. John is now grabbing his flaccid penis. It's just like,

it would be like swimming in Jell-O. Right? Swimming in Jell-O? Jumping into a pool of dicks is horrendous. It would be like one in Jell-O. Bro. Right? Swimming in Jell-O? Jumping into a pool of dicks is horrendous. It would be like one of those slimy finger traps that you can get from the dollar store. Yeah, yeah. I'd swim in that. Would anybody not swim in Jell-O? You wouldn't swim in Jell-O?

I don't. No, I think you would drown. You wouldn't be able to get out. Yeah, I'd swim in these dicks. I've thought about it. Don't tell me I'd drown in dicks. I wouldn't drown in dicks. Yeah, this is more like a. I don't think it'd be swimming we know zach

we know you guys i think this is like a ball pit i think it'd just be resting you wouldn't be swimming you'd be like resting it would be on just a beautiful beautiful pillow of cocks in my wildest dreams if i was just covered in soft dicks, I'd feel good about it. I think I'd feel good. A go-off king. Yes. I'm picturing a Scrooge McDuck dive into the dicks. Just a bunch of flasks swimming around through these dicks.

Now we're cooking. Yeah. How many dicks do you think fill a pool? Good question. Oh. That's like one of those Google questions on the interview. So if you had an empty pool. Well, you got to let's say we go with a basic in-text pool. That's for an above ground pool more easily to picture.

Yeah. So you got four feet by about 10 feet. That's 40 foot in perimeter. And I think that's at least 70,000 dicks. Is it really? I was going to guess hundreds of thousands. No, not hundreds of thousands. I would think you need 70,000 dicks.

I mean, what's the average dick size here? You got to look at the square inches of a normal cock. So let's say your average American cock is four and a half inches by about 1.7. But that's running hard. You're running hard here. We're talking soft. The average soft dick, I would say, is no more a half inches by about 1.7. You're running hard here. The average soft dick, I would say, is no more than three inches.

I'll drop it down to two. Between micro penises and my penis and then you have a couple outliers that are a little bit longer, I would say we're in the two to three range. And so you lay those out and start making row after row. Eight Jon Hamm dicks in there?

Yeah, there's very few. A couple of Justin Therouxs, a couple of Jon Hamms. Those are the outliers in the situation. And then you're going to just do a cannonball into those dicks? I'll do it head first. I think I weighed into it like it's really cold water. I think I'd want to get warmed up in it. to the head first dive i think i think i weighed into it like it's really cold water start dipping your toe in the dick pool but that's the same thing once the water gets to your balls when it's cold you're no longer cold once your testicles and dickhead are completely immersed in water i don't think you have that same issue going in. You go in slowly until

you reach that point, and then you're good. And I know what everyone's thinking. They're thinking this is gay. It's not gay. Don't make it sexual. It's just about comfort. There's nothing gay about swimming in a pool of severed soft dicks. You're telling me you wouldn't go to a spa that's just a pool full of

dicks? It would be incredibly comfortable. Since this isn't sexual and that's just a pool full of dicks? It would be incredibly comfortable. Since this isn't sexual and that's not gay, would you swim in a pool full of pussies? Oh, God, no. No way. Stinky. Come out smelling like a bunch of pennies.

What about if you had those things that you put on your head if you have a headache and it's like the wires and whatever goes there? One of those, but with dicks on the end like the really relaxed shit just a cat of nine dicks just to slap yourself in the face yeah this is your gayest segment ever absolutely this is gayer than sucking or fucking dicks this is so gay they're already saying. Maybe there's a live one that's nice and hard to choke on. Maybe a live one

that's coming in my butt. I'll just suck on it until some cream comes out. I love that. Heavens to Betsy. This one... And then it comes all over my face. This one set me back. This one set our show back.

For anybody out there who's like, I had to stop listening to KC Radio. It's just a bunch of dumb shit about sex and dicks. And I was always like, no, come on, it's intellectual. This one sent us back. You kind of fucked us by throwing the I word out there. Set in the bar a little high. You want to say it's not just dick stuff?

Fine. Intellectual, I'm not sure we've reached that topic. Certainly not. Oh, my God. So would you swim in a pool sure we've reached that topic. Certainly not. Oh my god. So would you swim in a pool full of dicks? Pabs? I can't swim in the first place.

Pabs is like, I drowned. Can you drown in a pool full of dicks? Yeah. You can choke on dicks. Yeah, you can choke death on dicks. Imagine so many dicks surrounding your arms, it'd be hard to move. Imagine someone being like, yeah, they choked on the dick. And it's like, oh really? It's like, no, you can choke death on dick. Imagine that. You got so many dicks surrounding your arms, it'd be hard to move. Imagine someone being like, yeah, no, they choked on the dick. And it's like, oh, really?

It's like, no, you're thinking. It's not what you're thinking. It's not that joke. It's way weirder. It's way weirder. Way weirder. He somehow severed 70,000 dicks and then filled a pool with them. You know what we need?

We need to find somebody in the porn animation game, like the guys who are making those pre-roll ads that I really like. Yeah. And we need them to make these things for us. I need someone to make a porn for me. Really realistic human. We need to get – The thing about those ads, it's so floppy.

What about how you just make those mice that grow ears, they just start growing dicks on their backs. That would be awesome to watch. You mean they grow the ear for human transplants? Yeah, for cloning or whatever. They'll put an ear on the back of it. Just have a bunch of rats walking around with cocks on their backs.

I'm trying to think. Pornstars are selling flesh pipes. Then we put those in the pool. That's a good invention. What? What's going on now? Flesh lights?

Yeah. Flesh pipes. That's just a dildo. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. No, that exists. Yeah.

Flesh pipes are better than the dildo. That is. They should call it that. John just said his own personal like where you take Uber and they're like,

we're going to make a car but make it longer so you just had his own personal, like, where you take Uber, and they're like, we're going to make a car, but make it longer. So you just invented buses. They should take guys' fucking penises and make them. I'll give you this, though. Fucking son of a bitch. No, no, no. But here's the thing.

I'll tell you the problem with those dildos. They're always the hard penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to invent soft dildos. Yeah. I will. This is a call to any. Dixie Dix is what you could call it.

My favorite thing in the world is to look at Jackie's face during these things. She was just scratching her face like, what the fuck? Soft dildos? Why would that? They cared that a microphone wasn't on for this? Really, guys? We're going to cry over the world not hearing this fucking joke? Man. All right. So we got to invent flesh pipes, a.k.a. really guys we're gonna cry over the world not hearing this fucking show man alright

so we gotta invent flesh pipes aka soft dicks I'll get my soft dick molded by a professional company would you do that

as long as they promise to make 70,000 of them if we having your soft penis come out in 3D would be an absolute

I think we should get our soft dicks 3D printed. I've had this nightmare before. We get our soft dicks 3D printed, and then we put them out there, and people have to guess which one's which. We just put it out as 80. Well, we still have to take our testosterone test first. We've got to do our low T and high T test, yes.

We'll put them out there, and... Wait, are you guys going to start doing testosterone? I want in on that. I feel like my t is so low it's gotta be so that was my thought was like i have to have the lowest t in the history of like functioning males and so we were gonna get tested and have people guess like what our what our t is uh and then maybe yeah maybe we could get on some testosterone but i think having people guess your flaccid penis is the most like vulnerable thing you can do i think i think i'm not doing that i think i have not agreed to that can do i think i think i'm not doing that i think

i have not agreed to that one yet i think i pretty successfully shifted into testosterone talk seems we found our way back to a topic i didn't want to talk about bro i would helicopter so hard yo that's not soft i know i know but i would come out of that i'll go chubbed up well that's i don't even know. No, I think you guys have to do it in the same exact locale. Like if you're going to do it, you can't do it separate from each other. It's got to be sure you guys step out at like the pool where Kevin McAllister

jumps into the water. That's a cannonball. It's going to be right there. The same room. You get it in the water, get it out of the water, get your dick balls. I think how that would be imagine like

it's almost like when Drake and Kanye took the stage right together and it was like everybody kind of thought that like Kanye tricked Drake but yeah we're just gonna do new stuff right we're just gonna do new stuff and then Kanye went out there and did his whole catalog I'm gonna I'll tell you we're just doing like straight out of the pool

but I'm chubbing that we're gonna come out John's is like two inches and mine's like a solid like four inch little pipe no man that's just me soft i don't know what you're talking about that's just that's just my natural state i i feel like if uh uh if i if i get my soft penis cloned you have to also i i yeah i guess i guess the problem is now i have experience in trying to clone my willy and i can't even imagine how it would work soft i still have mine i still i can't even you know what you don't want to do is put it like on a tray and you sit your dick in it because you can't put it in like two yeah it has to be like a jello you have to do the top and bottom yeah you'd have to have two what about if you did like a melting pot style fondue thing

full wax and you just kept like pile driving like over it and you just kept dipping yeah you just gotta dip in and out and then you could take the wax chunk off and then fill that with rubber and it would be that's how you basically build the sword. That's what we need to forge these penises. We'll build a forge. Forged in fire. Soft penises on KC Radio. Jesus Christ all fucking mighty. Chaps,

goodbye, man. Always a pleasure, man. Always a pleasure. See you later, buddy. See you guys on the timeline. I like that title. See you on the timeline. I like that title. See you on the timeline. Heavens to fucking Betsy. That one, I often think about what am I going to tell my kids I do for a living. And that one, I'm going to have to keep quiet.

That one, I'm not going to talk about that. I think swimming in a dick is fun. Swimming in a pool of dicks is fun. Gay. Yeah. Gay. It's not gay. Nothing gay about it.

Don't make it gay. I don't think I'm going to do this one. I don't think I want to swim in a pool full of dicks. All right. Let's see. That sounds really gay. Sounds like you're too scared to be. I think swimming in a. Too scared. You're too scared to be... I think swimming...

You're too scared to be surrounded by a bunch of dicks. I think I'd rather swim in a pool full of balls. I think the balls are... I think I can make the simulation. We might have a dick filling the swimming pool simulation. I think everything you're talking about with the softness is more in the balls than the tube. No, you're wrong.

You're wrong. You are egregiously underestimating the... I think everything you're talking about with the softness is more in the balls than the tube. No, you're wrong. You're wrong. You are egregiously underestimating the – The skin is the – like the soft skin is the balls. No, no. No, you're wrong. I mean that's objectively true. It's not because it's not the skin I'm talking about. I'm talking about the innards.

The innards of the dick. Whatever is – No, no, no. No, no, no. This segment is over. You're now using the word innards this segment is over and i don't even know what advertising we can do how many minutes we need to get after that i mean that that is all right atrocious so you need to go

talk to me about cleaning your chakras okay real quick does weird mean gay now? Like, are people using that term? I feel like people just have to have a word for gay. And I think we... It's like weird code? The look John just gave me, because he saw my face, which was utter shock. It was like, am I saying something I shouldn't? No, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not saying something I shouldn't. Like a code word? Yeah, like code. That guy's weird. Maybe I phrased it wrong, but yeah. Yeah. I haven't. No, I'm not. I'm not saying something I shouldn't. Like a code word? Yeah, like code. Maybe I phrased it wrong, but yeah. I haven't heard that. Have you? I have. That's why I'm asking.

A million dollars worth of gay put out a clip where Meek Mill was like, dudes in the hood call you weird if you look at a camera. And I'm like, that sounds like he's trying to say gay. And then there was Suss. Suss I know I feel like weird is so broad

There was a viral tweet Nice kicks retweeted or whatever And it's someone holding a pair of shoes That look like a sperm on it And it felt weird even touching this And so I saw those two things this weekend And I was like does that mean gay? I mean you know black people are always on the cutting edge of the next slang

and the next words and the vocab. I thought you were going to say homophobia and get racist. Nice little circle we got there. Black people are always on the cusp of homophobia. That's what he said, not me. Not me. He said it, not me. I was saying they have a creative vocabulary.

So Eagle Witt was on the show the other day just saying that. Southern whites are racist. You're not wrong. I was just taught a lesson by someone who taught me a lesson. You got it. Eagle came in talking about his friends in the hood. He said that's what the hood's like. That's what I did.

Okay? I learned a lesson. Anyway. You're weird, bro. You're weird. Yeah. If weird means gay, I mean, I got to switch things up. I'm going to be calling a lot of people gay then.

You can do that anyway. I'll tell you this much. Cleaning your chakras sounds weird. Yeah. Yeah, big weird. Big weird. I actually said in the blog I wrote about it that I had assumed that I was the first probably straight guy to ever get a chakra sealed. Okay.

Okay. Walking through this because this is something I truly – I don't think I know. So here's the deal. I think chakras is when they like rub their hands like six inches above your body and like feel your energy. Is that what that is? That's what I – all right. So here's the deal. Here's the deal.

Reiki. Reiki. Reiki. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was hoping it was. I've heard, I know someone who did Reiki and, and they told me like their hands get like bright red from doing it. Like they, they're like,

it's real. And like, I, you can see my hands when I'm done doing it. I'm like, yeah. All right. So let's just nip that in the bud.

To start, it's fake. Okay. Okay. So chakras is fake. To, to give a little explanation here. Um,

I have decided that on Fridays, I'm going to try and just do something. I feel like every adult kind of goes through this. This is a great life idea. Genuinely, I think this is a very good idea. Nothing crazy. I'm not going to try to go to the Balkans or become a Navy SEAL,

but just something that I don't usually do. Don't go to the Balkans. And the shout-out Donnie. Shout-out Donnie. Both Donnies. Step outside your comfort zone. Just a little something, a little different. Just a little whatever.

Honestly, it doesn't even have to be that weird. The amount of things that I do is shockingly low, where it's like, just go do something you used to enjoy. It doesn't even have to be strange or new or weird. I commend you for even doing that, but just go do some shit. Well, yeah, it is like, I think every adult does this, like every year or two, we're like, I got to stop hanging out in the bar so much.

Yeah, yeah. And then they do this for a little bit and they realize. It resets you and you go back to the bar. Yeah, you realize, like, we don't have fun places to bar at home. Right, right. So I'm going to do that.

Right. But so I, like, by a bar I go to a lot, there's this fucking sign. I tweeted a picture of it and it just says, it's one of these images of the chakra type deal.

Is it like one of those sandwich board signs like the triangles sitting on the sidewalk? No, no, no, no, no, and it just said, it's one of these images of the chakra type deal. Is it like one of those sandwich board signs, like the triangles sitting on the sidewalk? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fucking... It's strapped to an iron gate. I know exactly what you're talking about, yeah. And I walked by all the time and I was like, you know what, man? I am gonna... By the way, don't let it

slide by you. It says ring bell for psychic. Ring bell for psychic. Pretty telltale sign there. But the I walked by all the time and I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this. That was Friday. This is Friday. So

I go at like 3 o'clock. Now mind you, I spent most of the day from wake up until 3pm. I spent most of the day from wake up until 3pm, I spent most of the day trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to a chakra healing.

I didn't know. It's nothing scarier than when you're like, I'm going to roll into this. I would imagine something you might do naked to be honest. Here's my other thing. I was like, should I shower? I was like, I'm definitely going to need a shower afterwards because I figured I was going to get here's my other thing. I was like, should I shower? But I was like, I'm definitely going to need a shower afterwards because I figured I was going to get naked

and waxed up. Yeah. And I was like, waxed up! I was like, I got to get out of this. So I was like, I'm going to say the shower for afterwards.

I'm just going to show up in sweatpants. So I go to the shock healing. This is like 3 p.m. Okay? School's getting out. It's right by a fucking bus stop. There's also a sign for psychics. Right, right.

And I thought they were separate things. I thought it was two different businesses in the same building. Right, okay. So I was like, ring bell for psychic, but I was like, ring bell,

how do I get to the chakra? So I fucking, I'm starting to get panicked because a bunch of fucking euphoria looking chicks watching me stand in front of a goddamn chakra thing. So I'm getting all hot inside.

And I was like, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. So I bailed. And from the corner of the street saw the... And I was going to call ahead, but I Googled it, and this place isn't on Google. It's not one of those bona fide establishments. On Google. This place doesn't really exist.

It only exists like in my mind this is not real so i fucking call the i call the psychic she's like hello i don't know that's not how miss cleo would answer the phone right and and so what what is it so that's like i was like hey can you tell me how to get into the chakra place and she's like i do them both you fucking idiot i was like you're right i should have known that obviously of course you do it all you do astrology life go to you do anything that can't be quantified yeah for a buck right right right uh is it impossible to prove I'm lying? Yeah, I'm a scam artist. Yeah.

I do all of these things. So I was like, hey, I'm outside. I'm going to come in. And she's like, no. And I was like, I'm going to go home. Okay. So I go home. So I go home.

Right? And then she said, she said, come back at 7. She said, come back at 7. Okay. So I go home. This is Friday. I go home. And I sit there for four more hours wondering if I should change my sweatpants or if I should take a shower.

So I go back. It's 7 p.m., right? Go back at 7 p.m., and I am, like, time to fucking psychic up. Ring the bell right away. Chest out. Psychic time. No answer. So it is now after dark on a busy street corner

in front of a bus stop. So people with undiagnosed mental illness is just everywhere. All over. Dude, just fucking homeless guys with their ass out, bending over, picking up cigarette butts, just putting them in their mouths, unlit, not smoking them. One dude walking around dragging luggage that couldn't have had anything in it, just put them in their mouths, unlit, not smoking them. One dude walking around, dragging luggage

that couldn't have had anything in it, just screaming about his Jamaican ancestry. He was white. And so I found that suspect at best. He's like, I can say whatever I want! My ancestors are from Jamaica! And I was like, this dude is going to say the N-word. This is going to get crazy.

He did not say the N-word. And then, but i was there a little early so i figured like then when she wasn't answering the bells like oh she must be with a client yeah and healing healing chakras and uh and then some dude comes out and he was in sweatpants i was like fucking nailed it yeah i was like right right nailed the outfit bro right how old are we talking he was probably a little older than me. Wow, so a young guy. Young guy, yeah. Good looking guy?

Not ugly. I'm picturing like a fucking, I'm picturing like a hot guy for some reason. No, no, no. Is he in shape? He had a weird coat on. It's hard to tell.

He wasn't fat. He wasn't obese. I'm picturing a guy who's got like six pack abs with those arrows and he's got like his dick print in his pants and he's just like,

yeah, come on in. And you're super intimidated by him that would be my guess of how chakra healing would go and he'd be like yeah this is where I fuck like

thousands of girls and I'm yeah right right right and um but so when he got out the door shut and I was like

I'll give him a minute to get you know recalibrated like therapy session right I figured that's what it was kind of deal like but mind you

at this point I have no idea what's going on. The guy is like not the one though. He lets you in or he's going to do it to you? You spoke to a girl the first time, right? Yeah, I spoke to Mindy. So who's this guy? I assumed he was the client.

I assumed he was the client. Oh, you think I was the client? No, no, no. He just walked out. Got it. I thought he was like the guy. I assumed he was like the 6 o'clock appointment. Okay, so I don't... You don't think he's hot guy anymore? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, now I see there was a little loss of tradition. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I was like, I was like, alright, I'll give her a couple minutes, let her get resettled, and I'll buzz again. Buzz again, no answer. So at this point, it's like 5 past 7, 10 past 7. I'm now late for my appointment, which I thought was really set in stone. And after a little bit. Time's a fucking construct.

Another guy comes out. And I was like putting together this humongous building. Probably wasn't one single psychic's office. But there might be apartments in there. So I catch the door this time. And I go into the psychic's thing, right? Layer. Yeah.

And it's Her office, whatever you fucking call it, is before the residential entrance. Once you get past that one gate, you can get to the psychic spot. But it's also where all the residents throw their trash. I tweeted a picture of this. It is...

I had to push my way through trash to get to the psychic store. It was like Amazon Prime boxes. There was a Fisher-Price hoop. There was a Paw Patrol box. Two fold-out chairs. And I was like, it was mad. What?

That's her front door. That's like a back door of a house. Look at her door, right? So now I'm standing right at this door and it is, pass the light over, and it is like,

I'm peering through those blinds where I'm trying to see what's inside and the lights are on. Yeah. The lights are on. I can't believe, I mean, if I see this,

I am running for the hills because I'm like, there's a dead body behind the door. Well, I can see. 100% that's a dead body behind the door 100% that's a dead body behind there bring the bell for a second

she still doesn't know you're coming you're already riding the bell downstairs still like a little bit more of a warning but the

so I'm peering in and it does have like an opium den type feel to it which like makes sense but then like in the corner there's like

one of those hoverboards you know like from like 2017 that killed everyone's grandma by breaking her hip and then just starting a series of very unfortunate events that eventually led to her demise. That's just sitting in the corner. And then I'm like, there's one door in the back. So if I'm looking at that, back right, there's a door.

And I was like, I think she lives here. That's what I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. And so I'm knocking. I'm ringing lives here. That's what I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. And so I'm knocking. I'm ringing the bell. I can't hear anything. I can hear R&B blasting, like 90s R&B.

But I can't tell if it's from the bar downstairs or if she's just fucking in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, so then I'm like, all right, this is crazy. I'm going to stay here 15 more minutes. 15's so long. Dude, I got home at like 7.50 from a 6.50. I got there at 6.50. So I was there.

It was about an hour ordeal. Yeah, okay. So I'm like, all right. So the next day, I'm like, I have to go back. But actually, no. Yes, I wanted to go back, but it was Saturday. I woke up late. I worked out, and then Bruins were on at 1.

But wait, okay. So in fact, you just, but it was Saturday. I woke up late. I worked out, and then Bruins were on at 1. But wait, okay, so in fact, you just left. You just left. I just left. I was like, I can't. So you were knocking, walking around in there for an hour. Hour. Nothing happens.

Nothing happens. So I was like, all right, so I left. So Saturday comes around, 1 o'clock, Bruins game, 4 o'clock, fucking Raiders-Bangles, Pats at 8. Right. Now, wait, let me guess, though. Much like the Chinese food, did you go right back to the same place? Well, I didn't go Saturday. Right.

Okay. But when you resume, when do you go back? Sunday, I called again. Okay. Same place. Same place. She answered the phone. What?

I was like, hey, I'm getting an appointment today. She goes, we're closed. I was like, we didn't answer the phone. So that confirmed my suspicion. She lives there. That's just her apartment. Yeah, goes, we're closed. I was like, we can answer the phone. So that confirmed my suspicion. She lives there. That's just her apartment. Yeah, right. So today, I was like, that's it. And yesterday, when I

called Sunday, I did not want this anymore. But it was just like me versus her. She was so rude to me. Every time I gave her an option to be not rude to me, she was rude to me. And I was like, this is fucking over. This ends today. This disrespect ends right now.

This lady stopped pushing me around the ring today. I finally let this woman scam me. She hasn't taken any money yet. What the fuck? Trying to give you money to do fuck, just lie to me. And so today we were gonna record the podcast earlier i was like no i gotta fucking get get my shot i gotta get my shockers tuned up and uh and so i went at one o'clock probably 12 45 one ish and uh i was like i'm not even making an

appointment i'm just fucking going over because it's mlk day he'd want it and he said he'd want i'm just going over. And I'm knocking. And so I get there. The iron gate is open this time. Okay. So fucking first hurdle cleared. Easy peasy.

Get to this door. Blind's pulled up at this stage. So she's there. Yeah. Someone's around. Gotta be. Ring the bell. From the door in the corner of the room.

Flings open. This dude strolls out barefoot in sleep pants and a t-shirt. Like, he's confused. He's like, what do you want? And I was like, ah. What do you mean? What do I want, bro?

Because you're in his living room or something, right? Yeah. And I was like, chakra heal? And he's like, what? I was like, can I get my chakra healed? He's like, what do you mean? And I'm like, I don't know. And he grabs a menu and he holds it up and he just goes, this is what we have.

And I was like, okay, which one of those are the chakra healing? Because none of them said chakra healing. Yeah. And he's like, this fucking one. And he points at something that doesn't say chakra healing. It said, like, talk to dead ancestors or something. And it was 300 bucks. And I was like, that can't be right.

I was so confused. Like, that can't be right like i was so confused like that can't be right and he's like hang on let me call her so he gets out his phone which like i'm like bro i know she's on the other side of that door just yell yeah right right like mindy just come talk to this fucking guy right and he like he's like he's like hey there's a guy here uh yeah he wants to get chakras and and he's like yeah yeah, okay. He goes, yes, 300 bucks. And thank God I hadn't crossed the threshold yet because I just went, you know what, I'm not doing it.

If I had been one step further, if I was in the office, I would have been like, alright, fine. And I said, you know what, I'm not doing it. I left and that's the end of my chakra journey. I never did it. The do... Let me tell you by the time

I got my chakras cleansed I didn't get my chakras full story that ends with I didn't do it might be a better

series John almost does things John almost does things every Friday and he gets to the point where he's like never mind

it's crazy it's crazy I mean the sign saying you get chakras for $10, and then they charge. $300. $10 special. The $290 up charge.

$10 special? No, $300. That's false advertising. The whole thing's false advertising. Can you YouTube chakras healing? I want to know what they do. By the way, so I've since Googled it. chakras healing I want to know what they do by the way

so I've since googled it chakras everything it is the connection of the mind and the body yeah okay or the spirit and the body

like a chakra can fucking they keep showing these these colorful walls down your down your down the main street here it is like it's basically like

like oh like one can give a depression if it's called she's being quiet but she did this in class last semester. Yes. What? You did chakras in school?

That was her college. USC, baby. It's not a state school. USC is a state school. It's a private school. It's a state school. Oh, yeah. No, she's right, because that was the whole thing.

Yeah, but the University of Miami is a state school, too. No, it's a private school. If you're at the University of something, you're a state school. No, it's like a very well-known private school. Lori Loughlin did that whole thing. Exactly. So wait, I'm going to sit chakra style for this fucking segment. It's something like the first one.

You probably can't even do the first step, dude. What? You got to sit like this with your back all straight and get your chakra balls aligned. That's not happening. What's next? Okay, chakras. What do I do next, Jackie? Oh, I don't know.

I didn't, I'm like, I didn't, all I know is like the seventh one. I don't know. Guys, I like had to focus on this job while I was taking this class. You got to give me something. But there's, okay, there's one and it's like. Like what is it? Okay. It's each one, each one like. Oh, so I it? Okay, it's each one. Each one, like...

Oh, so I have like ten chakras. You have seven chakras. Seven chakras. And each one, there's one and it's like food or like this stomach. Yeah, the stomach's one. Solar plexus, heart. Literally, like it goes up like in a line. My mom...

I like step two, release all the blame and guilt within you. That's fun for a fucking Irish guy. Yeah, you kidding me release all your letdowns and disappointments That's even longer than the guilt thing Release all your sadness and loss this is getting progressively harder Irish Catholic guy, I wish you denial and lies you tell yourself no Literally, I don't think you've's literally harder and harder and harder i guess these are why they do it yeah step six is what step six is probably going to be like you know release your skinny fat body the greatest illusion of this world the illusion of separation

oh yeah uh release all illusions within yourself illusions step seven is, like, cum, jerk off. Release all your earthly attachments, let go of all you've grown to love. Murder your family is step seven. Murder your family and burn the house down. Chakras sounds like...

I thought it was... This is something I looked up and I thought it was going to be, like, I thought it was going to be, like, some fucking... That's why I thought it was going to be a shower afterwards. I didn't think it was going to be like Reiki. I thought it was going to be like some fucking... That's why I thought it was going to be like a shower afterwards. I thought it was going to be like... I didn't think it was going to be happening in a woman's living room where they were scamming. This sounds much more mental.

Like you just sit here and we meditate and we do these things. I want something, even if it's a scam, where you're allegedly manipulating me and my aura. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Reiki feels like they're like, oh, there it is. I want you to do something to me. I don't want me to have to do something to myself.

The person I know who does Reiki when she does it is like she'll get to your neck where it's tense and be like, oh, your neck's been hurting you, right? People are like, yeah. Yeah, you can feel the muscle. But she's not touching you.

So she'll like go above your body you know someone who i thought you were talking about like you know someone who goes to reiki you know a person who does it and it's like where did you meet it's like you can release your stress from you know she does some shit i'm like you got to do this shit to me she was only talking about it where it was like you can find where people keep their stress where their pain is and they uh and they somehow take it off of you. And then when she's done, hands fully red, and she's exhausted from it. She's like, I need a break because I did all my Reiki. Really? And it's not somebody I would be like, this is like, yeah, old fucking shit.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm kind of like, I'm going to have to get my Reiki done. I'll get Reiki for sure. Yeah, let's get Reiki. I'll get Reiki. Yeah, definitely. All right.

So fuck chakras. We're getting Reiki. Let's go. Yeah, fucking chakras are weird, man. Got to keep your body. Got to have your body on point. That's why you got to have wood. Get wood.

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Now, as you get a little bit older, I'm like, I need to put some shit on my eyes before I go to bed at night or I'm going to be disgusting soon. I need to wash fucking my body with something that's going to make my skin not be gross. I got to wash my hair with something that's going to keep it thick and full. All of these things, wood takes care of. The question is, do you, would you, get wood?

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and done. they've got the entire care line of care from your hair to your face to your skin to your your eyes your hands like everything that you need to keep your body soft smooth healthy smelling good feeling good so go to getwood.com to get yours today it It was a big weekend for football. I think we will do our recap with Jacked Up before we get into our opinions. You think Jacked Up first? I think we got to set the scene of the games and what happened. Okay.

And then we'll... Jackie seems to disagree, but I feel like if it was all episodes today, it's not Jackie's choice. So Jacked Up today is brought to you by Wood. You know the deal. It's the greatest football recap every Tuesday afternoon. This is the first ever playoff edition of Jacked Up.

So, you know, the good news is only four or five games for her to talk about as opposed to an entire slate. Sure, it will be only like one or two, but as to be fair, there aren't many games that even really worth talking about. Right. But that is kind of the news in and of itself is some of these games aren't even worth talking about.

As always, she is, as to my knowledge, I believe the only solo female football analyst show in the game. So really blazing the trail for feminists everywhere. Three minutes on the clock for week 19. Playoff week one, super wild card weekend. Jacked up.

Jacked up. Um, okay. Coming in so high. The energy level through the roof. She's had no voice all day. First playoff game. Uh, so. Okay. Okay, guys. Is that better? Yeah. She's had no voice all day. First playoff game. Okay, okay, guys.

Is that better? Yeah. Okay, Bills, Patriots. The Bills won by a lot. So many points. Wait, okay, here's another thing. Oh, wait, no. Okay, this is maybe, I'm going to go to Bucs real quick.

This is maybe a hot take, or this might be a really cold take. I think that the Bucs'm going to go to Bucs real quick. This is maybe a hot take. Or this might be a really cold take. I think that the Bucs are going to win the Super Bowl. I don't know why that might be a really cold take. I just think that Tom Brady... They have Tom Brady as their quarterback. I just think that Tom Brady is really good. Yeah, that is a hot take. You might be right.

Did you see that stat last night? What? The top three. The yards. Passers and posters. 12,000 yards. 12,000 to 7,000 there's a

he almost doubled up there's a very good chance this postseason he will he will double up he will officially double him up yeah with the most postseason yards ever

it's like it's like Brady with 13,000 it's easy the number one paid with 7,000 higher than two and three combined five yeah

it's fucking disgusting so Bucs is the official Jacked Up Picker Super Bowl and that's and they beat the Bucs is the official jacked up pick. And they beat the fucking shit. They beat the shit out of the... Fuck, man. I just had this.

The Eagles. The Eagles. The Eagles. I also think that in the playoffs, there shouldn't be like that. Every game should be close. Yeah, so what did you think about this weekend? I thought that it was underwhelming.

I wanted to be on the edge of my seat for everyone. The only one that, like the 49ers game, I feel like was the only one that I was invested in. The 49ers game, that one, at the end, it was like the 49ers were up, and then the, fuck, I always forget who they play. It was the 49ers versus the Cowboys. And so the Cowboys, it was towards the end,

and they had an opportunity to have one. No, I'm thinking of, fuck, I'm so bad at this. I'm thinking of the wrong game. It's, okay, oh, there was a whole thing with Mike McCarthy, and I'm really, like, frazzled now. I feel like the last game. I actually didn't catch, like, much of this. This is wild.

This was crazy. Jackie. No, no, no, no, you go. You go. You go. So what they did with, I want to say it was 16 seconds left in the game, and they're driving touchdown Windsor. They were down six.

And they were probably at midfield-ish. I know Dak slid around the 25. And so maybe a little close to midfield. Let's call it the 40. They were at the 41. 41, okay. And they call a fucking quarterback draw. Call a quarterback draw with 16 seconds left.

So Dak gets to the 41, runs to the 24, 25, fucking slides, try to get to the line to spike the ball. Time starts. Don't do it in time. And that was when the ref was moving around too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an insane, insane play call. People were mad at the ref because the ref was moving around too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an insane, insane play call. People were mad at the ref because the ref wasn't following the play.

What I tend to see on my timeline is that all football players, former players who are now analysts, are saying it's the Cowboys' fault. You cannot put that on the refs. I mean, it's not like the refs did do something wrong, but it's like, you shouldn't be in that position. Yeah, it was like, there were Cowboys who weren't set. I don't know.

It's like, that's one of those things where it's like, you shouldn't put yourself in that position, but that does not affect the call being wrong. Well, but it's also like, it was... So, Dan Orlovsky, I thought, had the best breakdown of it, where he was like, he's like, Dak has to know those four extra yards aren't worth the two extra seconds.

So he has to take his slider earlier. He has to know, even like, when he got up, there were three seconds left. Well, when the ball was about to be set, there were three seconds left. And Orlovsky was saying, to run a play takes two seconds no matter what. Two seconds are coming off the clock if you snipe the ball. So if there are three seconds left, what he needs to be doing

is yelling 9-1-1, 9-1-1, which changes the play to everyone run a Hail Mary. Because we don't have time to spike this and run another play. Because that takes two seconds. We have two seconds left. It doesn't matter. Game's over. So everyone, that changes the call. 9-1-1, everyone gets the edge of the ball. He's like, that at least gives you a shot. He didn't even do that.

They were not... They were not prepared for that. Right, Jackie? Every time you guys talk about sports, I just can't. I drive so hard. That's not stuff I know. I'm sorry, but yeah, that's exactly right. You're a big Niners fan, right?

That was your team? I'm a huge Niners fan. Yeah, technically that is. But, and, wait, was this Whistlegate? Whistlegate was Cincinnati. Oh, it was Bengals. Bengals Raiders. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Wait, what game? I need an okay counter. Dude, what game are we talking about right now? You tell me. I don't know. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm going back to 49ers. 49ers. Okay, but I was confusing for the Bengals, so I'm going to jump over to the Bengals. This is all over the place today. I'm so sorry. I'm hopping over to the Bengals. 1926. That one was kind of an edge of the cedar

because it was at the end, then the Raiders had the opportunity to score, and then the Bengals, all they had to do was just defense. And Joe Burrow, again, sorry, I'm jumping around. At the end there, he was in the little thing. I think he was wearing these glasses which I thought was interesting because he looked really good in them

he's a really handsome guy but the glasses it's something you can't wear something like that with just a white t-shirt and then like expect people not to kind of comment on that you know

that was just a little something 19 to 26 yeah that was Joe Burrow is that dude he's awesome Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to be a problem

for years to come I don't know if this is their year they got some hurdles to get through but like Joe Burrow is that fucking dude and he knows it too

yeah oh yeah he's got the swagger yeah even that look he had the glasses and he kind of had that like the little swoop with his hair going

he knew exactly what he was doing. He's really hot. What were you going to say? First time in 31 years that they are going to the playoffs. That they won in the playoffs. That they won in the playoffs. Yes.

What about the Patriots game? The Patriots game, okay, that was a huge blowout. Bills won by a lot. That was something like, that was... Ridiculous. The score was actually closer than the game was. Yeah. I would say it was 47-17. Yep. It was over

by the half. I know that. It was over on the first drive. That was jarring. It was not good. The first ever perfect game, right? I don't know the ever, but I saw it was the first ever perfect offensive game.

No punts, no fumbles, no interceptions, no field goals. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Every single time they touched the ball, they went for a touchdown. They did miss two extra points, but that's special teams. So as far as the offense goes, it was literally a perfect game. Did not get stopped once. Never, never even knew that was possible. I heard that you were still holding out hope.

You were the last man standing, I heard. I heard it was like 35-7, and you were like, here we go, boys. What are you, fucking nuts? I still think. We were a waterhead idiot? There was, I don't know. I'm fucking, I wasn't ready to wave the towel. I thought that there was.

Brady ain't walking through that tunnel, baby. I mean, Mac didn't look bad. At no point was it like Mac's fault. So it was like, all right, they can string one together.

Two interceptions. Two interceptions. Two picks. One was off the receiver's hands. One was like the greatest defensive player I've ever seen in my life.

So like, yeah, you don't want him thrown, but none of those picks where you're like, what the fuck is he doing out there? Both of them made sense. Yeah, Mac's not the problem. The him, but out of those pictures, you're like, what the fuck is he doing out there? Both of them made sense. Yeah, Mac's not the problem.

I mean, the Belichick boys getting fucking whacked like that is the problem. Yeah. And that's something I never thought would happen. I mean, I was texting with you. We got lost in translation because I was saying Bill is going to win that game, and you thought I was saying the Bills. But I thought it was going to be like the same thing as the win game. It was going to be cold as fuck.

And the Bills still have this bugaboo about the Pats, even though it's not Tom Brady. And they're thinking about week 12 or whatever that was where the running fiasco happened. And that's how I think the Bills are the real deal, is that old Bills teams, even good Bills teams, have that in their head and let that dictate them. We talked about the swagger.

Josh Allen's also one. Absolutely, man. And he just went out there and was like right at the wrong. I thought it was so cool that Josh Allen even admitted that he was. Throwing the ball away. Yeah. Such an awesome thing to do. I was doing that.

You don't do that if you lose the game. No, never. I'm so in the zone right now that even when I'm just fucking throwing it away, we're scoring touchdowns. That's how fucking good the Bills are right now. That's something that no quarterback would ever admit. I love him doing that. It is like it's unfortunate.

It sucks. But it is like when you're – it sucks that that defense was slow. It was like top five defense of the year, and it just didn't happen. I was saying it on the stream. I was like, it literally – it's not like they're a was slow. It was like top five defense of the year. And it just didn't happen. I was saying it on the stream. I was like, it literally, it's not like they're a step slow. It literally looks like they're moving a step slower than everybody. It was great. It looked like an optical illusion.

I was like, how are they so much slower? And obviously, you got to fix that. Got the McCourty going. McCourty's probably gone. Heisman's probably gone. Slater said he might be gone. But I feel I'm okay. Like you were arguing a lot yesterday.

And this is one of those things where it's kind of like sports arguments are just so cyclical. We're like, I know what you'll say. You know what I'll say. I know what you'll say. And you'll say the body didn't fall. And I'll say, you're right. Like we haven't fallen. We don't have to go anymore.

The standard has changed. It was a better year than I expected. But if you are going to have to rebuild, it's the two – we're not even really rebuilding, but the two things you need, the two things that bad franchises historically and regularly bad franchises have. Bad organization, bad quarterback. Yeah. I have both of those. Maybe. We'll see. No, because we, bad quarterback. I have both of those.

No, because we have a quarterback. What, you just don't think there's any chance he regresses? Here's the deal. I have no idea how to judge a quarterback. I'm not fucking talking with my eyes. I can tell you a guy on the beach, I can go, that guy's alright.

Aside from that, I have no... It's actually what I do. I'm wearing a pasta shirt today. It's what I do with Tuca, too. I just judge it on how guys talk about them. Yeah. And it's very, like, when Tuca came back the other day, pasta scored a hat trick, sat down in his press conference, and all I want to do is talk about Tuca Rask.

Because I told him I was so happy to have him back. I told him I was going to get a hat trick for him. He makes me better in practice. This is what he brings to this team. And people will give stock answers. We're like, he's a good guy. I like him. And going to get a hat trick for him. He makes me better in practice. This is what he brings to this team. And people will give stock answers. We're like, he's a good guy. I like him. And that's one thing.

But then what sold me on having Mac Jones was Matthew Slater after this game, where Slater was like, he was asked about his future. And he said, look, we all know I'm closer to the end of my career than I am to the beginning. I don't know what it's going to be. Well, I'll have to think on it. I'll get back to you on that. And then he went on to say, but I will tell you what,

I am excited to be around this organization. I am excited to come to games on Sundays with my kids and watch that kid Mac Jones in there. So when you go out of your way to say that, that's the quarterback. When you have the locker room, when you have the respect of Matthew Slater, you're the quarterback. Yeah, but you've got to be good, too. Matthew Slater wouldn't say that if he's not good.

Well, I think there's a difference between the attitude you bring and if you've got the goods. I think you wouldn't say that if he's not good. I think there's a difference between the attitude you bring and if you've got the goods. I think you wouldn't say that unless you have both. When he's like, I will be here in 10 years with my kids watching that kid play quarterback. So when people in the room talk about that, I'm sold. So we have the quarterback, have the coaches, have the organization.

We'll be all right. We're not at step one. We're not at block zero. We're at step four. I think that you will look back on this and, and, and this will be like the beginning of the true end. And that's what I was trying to say is that like Brady leaving is the real

like end, if you will, but you still have Belichick and still have a lot of things in place. But I think a game like that is one of those, like, uh, we definitely got lucky. We,

we got, we got, uh, a little big for our britches midseason. Went on a run that we didn't really... We played teams that we thought were better than they ended up being. The Browns were good when we put a fucking hurtin' on them. I think a 70-year-old Belichick and a lot on Mac Jones... This was Dave's argument that I didn't understand. Bringing it back to 2010 when you had

both Brady and Belichick in their prime. When people were saying you're done, but I think there was much more in place than there is now. For sure. I mean, you had Brady fucking go over 10,000 yards. Right. And I also think that when Randy Moss on that team.

When it last happened, yeah. When it last happened, you weren't the Patriots of now, where the last three Super Bowls and the last five, six, whatever years, cemented them as the absolute greatest of all time. No debate, no more argument, no more nothing. And that, as a fan base that there's so many bandwagon fans there's so many fans who are just there and they're going to be so many fans who don't realize like from that game last night being like oh i don't like football when it's like this yeah you know what i mean so for a that's a franchise shifting fan

base shifting type of loss if there's more of that type of shit in the future where it's like oh being a patriots fan is not what it what it was the last like pretty much we'll lose a lot and that i i don't think i don't think anybody uh nobody has really experienced embarrassment as a patriots fan no but but in a long time there was embarrassment during that game like that was that that hurt to watch because it was like, there's just nothing we can do. We're just outmatched, outclassed,

outcoached. We are. That hasn't happened. But also, that feeling doesn't linger for me. I'm like, next year,

we'll get back in the lab. I'm not like, blow it up. What can we do? This is a joke. It's not like, that game sucked. When was the last time

you were embarrassed as a Patriots fan? As a game. Every time you lost. When was the last time you were embarrassed as a Patriots fan? Every time you lost, it was always like you were still the... You were upset, but they were still supposed to win. And it was an aberration. It was a mistake or whatever, but it was like, fuck, we were right there

to just be like, oh my god. The Eagles won. Eagles Super Bowl hurt. That was one. Brady had the ball in his hands. Game on the line. That's what I mean. You were still right there. There's never been a Patriots game. Dave had to go all the way back to 2010

to find the last time they got beaten handily in the playoffs to make that argument. Because it was the Ravens game. I don't even think that compares to what happened with this game. Historically. It's a bad beatdown. i don't think it's like uh i don't think it's like the franchise is over beatdown i think it's like uh i i think the standard franchise is not over but yes i think

it's like my my point really was for the last probably decade if you asked like any fan in the league would you rather be this or a Patriots fan? Everyone with a brain is taking the Patriots. And now that's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you told me you wanted to be a Bills fan, you wanted to be a Chiefs fan, you wanted to be a Bengals fan even. You want to be like a Chiefs fan, even that was kind of contending.

I'm saying now that you could make the argument like, I'd rather ride with Joe Burrow and his boys. I'd rather ride with like Justin Herbert and his guys. I'd rather ride with the bills with Josh Allen. There's a few teams that historically you'd be like, you'd rather pick those guys over the Patriots. And I think that's coming to.

Yeah. I don't think that's crazy to. Yeah, no, that would be fair. I don't think like someone from new England's like, I wish I was a Bengals fan, but I think that someone from Cincinnati isn't looking with lust in their

eyes. Yeah. Like that's, that's the thing is it's no longer like you want to be a Patriots fan. That's a big shift for like the fan base where it's like, you've, you've been those fans forever where it's like, you can talk shit. You can say what you want, but at the end of the day, you wish you were me and that's gone.

Uh, yeah, probably. You're back into like the regular. I think regions, but it's not like we don't want to be fans of another team either so we have less people who want to come but i'm not looking i'm not like fuck for what i wish i was like them yeah but i mean i think there's a greater chance of more of that than you're like right back in the super bowl yeah i think there there's there's a lot of work to do it's it's not i don't even think the problem, the work will be fine. The Patriots will be good.

I think the issue is that there's Josh Allen, Joe Barber. I think there's a lot of other good teams around. Patrick Holmes in the AFC. I think that's the bigger hurdle to get over than the Patriots putting together. It's like you're back down to earth. It is almost back to 2010 where it's like, I remember in 2010, it was like the Yankees where I was like, oh, you can set your watch to the Patriots losing the playoffs.

I was always like, I don't want to do the Super Bowl. But then, like, oh, they'll lose in the playoffs. They always do. That vibe of like, yeah, they're good, but like they're not it, is I think where we're headed. And that's the shift of like, a lot of fans I don't think are going to be prepared for that. A lot of fans haven't lived that ever. Yeah, but who cares?

Like, I don't care. Like, well, fans, like they're're, like, some fans stop being fans. That's okay. That's what happens when teams come back to, that's what I mean. That's why I don't get mad about bandwagon fans either. Like, yeah, if it's the hot ticket in town, people like it. But as an outsider, the amount of fans that I've encountered that I know are like that, like, the amount of girls, the amount of guys who don't watch,

but they like Brady and da, da, da. And it's just like, I know that you really actually don't care deep down. You have jumped on this and you have made it part of like who you are, but now that's gone and it's going away and I'm going to relish you being like, oh, wait.

But I think that person just walks away then. I guess you're talking about people you follow on Twitter. I think that person is just like, oh, I don't care anymore, whatever. That's what I mean though. I think there are so many people who are like, it's who they are. I think there are so many people in New England. You're using a crumple of identities?

Yes. I think that there are so many people in New England who just lost a huge piece of their personality. Genuinely. I genuinely think that. I disagree. It's such a community of like, did you see Tom this weekend? It's just who they are. It's who you talk about, what you talk about, what you –

when you meet somebody, it's what you say that you do and like. But that's what you do with the Jets. No, you don't. You don't run around. That's what you do with sports. That's what sports fans do. You see the game last night? Yes, but it's become a thing.

I think couples have, families have been made because of the Patriots. Things that transcend, not like the Patriots. I think the Patriots have done it longer. They've done it successfully, but there are fucking people who get married in Bengals jerseys at a White Castle.

Yeah, but they've also known, those are the real diehards they're fucking the weirdos because they've been they've been doing that losing all the time there's there's there's a whole crew of people who have who have met and fallen fell in love and had kids and raised in this way and go to the bars and the parties and watch and da da da and when it's all gone they're gonna be like i've never experienced anything other than this and i don't even like it and i don't even know it. And I don't even know what there is anymore. I think, yeah, I think they'll probably just stop watching football.

Yeah, and then what? You know what I mean? Then what else do you have? They probably have other interests. I'm telling you, that's my point. I think you're putting a little much on the Patriots. I don't think I am. As an outsider?

The Patriots were hugely, as an insider. If this happened, we used to say this about Dave on the rundown. It was like if this happened earlier, like Dave has now, you know, gone on to this other level. But like if the Patriots were somehow out of it, like Dave's entire existence on the internet would have been like blown up. You know what I mean? And I think that translates into people's lives.

Dave would have found something else. And I think that's what people do. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like you're going to have to find something else in your life yeah for sure that there will be a lot and that's what's like so satisfying it's not even that like the diehard fans are gonna be upset because i i i can respect people who are really into it it's the it's the fans who are gonna be like wait a minute this isn't oh this isn't. But the thing with those fans is they don't fucking care. You're putting unnecessary

stress on yourself to fight with them and they're like, oh, I'll just go do something else. Yeah, but that's what I mean. It's been long enough that I don't think they can. I think they will, but their Sundays, their winters, their who they are, what they talk about, what they like, who they've tried to be for so long is now gone.

And to have to rebuild that and find something new gives me great joy. I think it would be like Bruins. Yeah, but that's what I mean. There can be good teams, but dynasties are what breed entire cultures. You know what I mean? And that being gone is like at least one part of that can now be gone. One half of the fan base. Don't have to worry about that.

It's like the Cowboys. You know what I mean? Like the Cowboys from the 90s. Now nobody cares about the Cowboys fans. For sure. You know what I mean? You expect it. I don't think that will happen.

Not yet. I mean it will happen at some point. know how i think the world works and time works um but i think i think they got the quarterback they got the franchise i think we'll be okay i think we got through that okay too i think i think some of our worst content is usually combative content and i don't think we were that combative so i think we did good did we remember when we argued on kanye for like 45 minutes we did nothing? I was like, this is so awkward. I think we got through okay. I was very nervous going into it. I mean, I could go for 45

more if you want. Alright, voicemails today are brought to you by Fight Camp. You want to get in shape. You want to do it while working out some stress. You want to throw some hands. You want to reach those fitness goals for 2022. Now's the time. And I feel like when you

set your resolution and you're like, I'm going to eat well and lose weight. And it's like, cause you're going to run and do like cardio and all that kind of shit lift. It's like, nobody wants to do that, but people want to beat this shit out of something. People love their MMA. People love their wrestling. People want to get a frustration out. You learn to box. You learn to kickbox. You feel like you're actually doing something rather than... The feeling of just, I'm trying to be not fat is not very motivating.

I just don't want to be fat, but I just want to be there. I don't have... I can't recommend hitting stuff highly enough. Violence is the answer. Violence is so much fun. It's the reason why we watch like the fucking action movies

and we love MMA and we love wrestling and we love fights and the fight game and prize fighting and all that shit knockouts and all that

because you're throwing you're kicking you're fighting you're getting the aggression out kicking is crazy they've got thousands of classes kicking is so hard to do kicking is like

start with the punching because you're gonna end up start with punching kicking is so hard you'll end up like you'll, start with the punching. Start with punching. Kicking is so hard. You'll end up in a hospital trying to kick. I'm going to try and send a kick right now. When people think that they can do a kick like kick someone in the face, yeah, fucking right, dude. You're not getting above somebody's waist.

You're going to tear your fucking hamstring doing this. Yeah, dude, that's it. That was even worse than I thought. I thought I was going to be up. How about when like Jean-Claude Van Damme, how about when they do that slow thing, when they can just slowly put their leg up? That's fucking insane.

Let's see how fucking high you can get your leg. We rolling over there? Yeah. Yep. I feel like nobody has a camera. No, they should have got a shot of it right now. Ready? We rolling over there? Yeah. Yep. I feel like nobody has a camera. No, they, she's got a shot of it right now. Oh, yeah.

Ready? Oh, you're covering it there. I know. Watch this show go. That's pretty good. And that, like, hurt. That's high. I think I'm going to spasm, and if I went any higher, I'd be falling over.

I can't. I can't even get my leg up. It's above your waist. I was going to say, they said kick me in the face. Circus boy over here. How high can you go? Oh, you're going to do a fast kick

and you're going to touch your hand? Whoa! Yeah, that's going to hurt. I'm going to try to do that one fast. You went above his head. I could get almost below my waist. Whoa! What?

That was cool, though. Hang on. You brought it down like half. You did get above your waist on that one. I brought mine down a little bit. I got tingles all through my leg right now. Oh, man. So start with, like we said, start with the punches.

No need to do the kicks. Thousands of classes, tons of quick workouts. There's all different paths you can take to reach your goals. It's a full-body workout. They have tons of data. Fight camp is going to feed you real-time data about you and your body and your workouts to get to your level and your desired dream. They also have family workouts for you and your loved ones to workouts to get to, uh, you, your, your level and your desired dream. They also have family workouts for you and your loved ones to all get involved in the

mix. And right now you can go, I mean, I'm tired from just doing that. Go to join fight camp.com slash KFC. And right now, uh, if you purchase this month,

you'll get an additional pair of gloves along with their holiday deal. It's going on right now. It's joinfightcamp.com slash KFC. Get their holiday deals and get an additional pair of gloves for free. Real quick, before we get into voicemails, I do want to talk about the gambling house real quick. It is a fucking nightmare. It's weird because it's Barstool Sports. Bork! Now, it is it's weird because it's in the sparsal sports pork now it

is more you see barstool sports and so it's great there is like this you do any non gambling content I thought this was bro it is like you. You do any non-gambling content? I thought this was sports. Fuck, bro. It is like you're walking into the cool kids lair. Yeah. Despite what the fuck it is. It's not, I mean. When you're looking at it. But it's like, okay, this is like.

This is it. This is what we do now. This is our offering. I've been invited to hang out with the cool kids. Yeah, yeah. And it is, it's a nightmare. It is the most uncomfortable couch you'll ever sit on in your fucking life it's fucking it's crazy i don't think i've ever sat on the couch it's unbelievable

i've only been in like an individual chair i think it's unbelievable it is just fucking it is torture it's i was getting up i almost watched a second half like larry bird like just fucking laying on my stomach on the fucking floor. Towel over your shoulder just laying on the ground. Nuts. But then all there is to eat is fucking delicious awful food.

So I'm smashing pizzas fucking SPKs fucking peanut butter peanut M&M's fucking Starburst had a million stars. All that mixed up.

It is it is a nightmare. You're back and your acid reflux i don't know if the candy tums now the harder ones you kind of got to soak in your mouth for a bit before you eat them i woke up at 3 a.m saturday night i i ate so much fucking candy i got drunk and i woke up i woke up saturday night and i was fucking 3 a.m. I wake up. Don't even remember it, right? In a haze.

Grabbed three of the fucking hard-shelled Tums, which if you know about them, that's fucking a lot of candy in my mouth. And I fucking, I put it in my mouth. I fell back asleep before I fucking ate them. So at 6 a.m., I woke up, which is good because I could have died. I was going to say, you're joking. I woke up, and I wish I had a camera on me because I bet I looked like the happiest little kid because those thumbs are good.

I was like. Oh, I got something in there already. Went to bed. I knew a kid who fell asleep with Sour Patch Kids chewed into his teeth. I mean, that's like you wake up in the morning, and for 12 hours, that's been eating through the enamel into his teeth. I mean, that's like you wake up in the morning, and for 12 hours that's been eating through the enamel in your teeth. Rookie ball.

That's a regular happenstance at the Fidelberg household. But so I woke up. I woke up fucking. I woke up. I joke, but I had one non-alcoholic beer that night. Someone might have put something in one of my drinks. I'm just saying. You got a root for people. Bro, I woke up. My clothes were stre one of my drinks. I'm just saying. Bro, I woke up, my clothes were strewn about my apartment.

I was like, what the fuck happened? No, it's the food, dude. You got food drunk. I got fucking food shit. You got snack drunk. Which is old. That's some old person shit. But the worst thing, and then I had fun. All that stuff, obviously, was having the ass kicking.

The worst thing about the gambling house, and I'm sure it's different for people once you do a stream, I put a lot of money on the Patriots. I put a lot of money on the Patriots. I put like 15 units on the New England Patriots. Yikes. Not quite a month's rent, but pretty close. Yeah, yeah.

And when you wake up and you realize I just paid my boss a couple of grand to work. That's not a good feeling. Fucking sucks, dude. Not a good feeling. Bro, Dan put 10 on the fucking Cowboys. You walk out of there, you're like, I just fucking paid a good amount of money to my company to work to the book and like

that's not awesome bro Dan had 10,000 bucks on the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl that means like the next several weeks for him just ruined like every single

every single week of the playoffs is now ruined not even yeah yeah no so that's the greatest racket in the world the book

the book alright voice spells what do we got The greatest racket in the world. The book! Book! All right, voicemails. What do we got? Let's do it, Pabs. What's up, nippleheads? Mike here from St. Louis. Nippleheads.

A few things. Funny how the world works and the stars align sometimes. So hopefully we can get this out. So I've been watching Squid Game recently. And I had this fucking crazy-ass dream last night that you guys were running some Squid Game operation at your live show, and when people lost fights, you were just lighting people up with a flamethrower, just straight-up Dragonfire style. And Kevin, of course, maniacally laughing at those fucking losers for dying, Because, I mean, you fucking roll the dice. You fucking play the game, baby. And so, anyway, so it had me thinking. And of course, everybody loved it.

Everybody in the stands was just going nuts for it. So it had me thinking, if you guys could run some sort of squid game operation. And get away with killing people. What would you do? How would you do it? How would you fucking fuck these idiots up? I have so much to say. So, yeah, so that, so then I wake up,

and I got this email from my boss saying my work trip was canceled, which was over your guys' trip to Nashville. So, definitely just bought tickets to that. Let's go. So, hopefully, we can get some Squid Game operation. Oh, I'm going to set this guy on fire. Fucking fuck some people up.

Kill some people in Nashville, baby. Yeah, and also, Jackie, you are the best, and whenever you're ready to run these streets and your life of crime to begin, I'll be your bodyguard slash bottom bitch, baby. Whoa! Let's get it going. Queen pin Jackie all the way.

A little love connection. First of all, get tickets to Nashville Nashville on sale April 22nd Thursday night for the Nashville Comedy Festival

there's a few left also for the Boston show second show at the Wilbur is probably about like three quarters full so that's in March

so get your tickets now don't sleep you can get all the links on our social media and KC Radio and all that. What I respect about that gentleman there is something that other people might not respect. I respect him talking while walking.

It's so hard. It's impossible. It's impossible. And people don't realize it. If me and you were just walking and talking, I don't know if you'd pick up on it. When you're filming on an iPhone, it's like. You run out of breath. hard to walking and talking and we because no the normals out there are not gonna understand we film ourselves a lot and i'll often do it like all right i'm walking to the car let

me do this this ad read and i can't i run out of breath because my body is too busy walking my lungs are too busy working to keep my fucking body going. We can't also be giving a speech or an ad or telling a joke or telling a story or whatever. You're on the phone walking around. Dude, you ever talk on the phone? It's more impressive than running a marathon, like talking on the phone and walking up a flight of stairs. The lung capacity you must have to do something like that is fucking bananas. And he looked like he was in shape, big brawny man. He was running out of gas at the end of the day.

You've got to catch your breath and you've got to stop. There are times where I'll get out my sentence, and then it's your turn to talk, and I'm on the phone, and I put my phone up, and I'm like, get the oxygen in. We've got to ventilate this fucking thing. No hands on the hips. No hands on the hips.

Hands up. Open the lungs. Open the lungs. It is so hard to do. I'm so happy that you caught that too. Most people probably don't realize it, but the iPhone. Also, just like sitting. If you're sitting and you're holding the phone and you're filming something, the iPhone catches every breath.

You're just sitting there breathing normal and then you listen to it back and it's like. You sound like fucking Darth Vader on the iPhone. Can we fix that, Steve? Can you get like an air filter on there or some shit? Anyway, lighting people on fire at a live show sounds like a good time. Yeah, there are very few places, like rooms you can go in, people would be like, Hell yeah, let's die. Burn them down to the ground.

If you can't see me at a live Show, you probably didn't put them down. That'd be one of them. You know what I've always wanted to do? What do we care for? The flamethrower. Come on, guys. We need you to listen to the show. Please don't die. Yeah, we can't actually be dead.

We need someone to keep the show going so we can make these jokes about fucking being dead. The flamethrower is a very Grand Theft Auto type thing. I always wanted to throw the stick at Napalm. In Grand Theft Auto, you have that Napalm. It gets you automatic five stars. It has a ring of fire that eats everything around it. I think what would be better is if we did a KFC Radio live show. We would need to go somewhere like Chelsea Piers.

We need a big fucking space. The whole thing, it's almost like Jerry's World. We're doing a live show down in Dallas. We're at Cowboy Stadium. We'll be in the middle. We'll be up on the big screen. Speakers are set.

You have to be in constant motion. We're running a megachurch? Yeah, like a megachurch. There's proximity mines. So every now and then, boom, someone's blowing up and dead. And you got to just keep moving, and we'll do our show, but we'll also be like, oh, like section 335, that guy's fucking dead. And so proximity mines are always a nice little surprise for you.

Proximity mines, how many would they take out? What's a proximity mine? It probably depends on how many people are around it. I mean, in Goldeneye, you walk by it, it usually just blows up like the one person. That's what I'm saying. Is it that? Was that a video game or is that very realistic? I would imagine a mine exploding can fuck up anybody in there.

Yeah, it's probably got a pretty broad... But I'm thinking, why don't we sell, you know, if we sold, let's say we do like 5,000 tickets in a 100,000 person stadium and you got to just like kind of keep it constantly moving, you probably got good odds of not getting blown up. And so when you do, you'll probably be like by yourself or not very close to people and you're one of the few that die. Okay. I was thinking basically the exact opposite. Okay. Where we're really packed tight.

Okay. No, it is – Shoot people up. Almost like the ejection question in ATI. No, no, no. Not shoot people up. Shoot a bullet in the air. ATI. No, no, not shoot people up. Shoot a bullet in the air. Oh.

And it comes down. I was thinking the ejector seat. No, everyone's got to get packed real tight together. And then a bullet goes in the air. And it's like automatic. Because if we hold it, it probably ends up going like 60 miles that way, right? Yeah, no, it's got to be like a mortar, like a fire. It's very, very straight up, yeah.

And you can kick it, and it moves like a slight degree here and there, which can kick it and it moves like a slight degree here and there which probably in reality means it moves a lot but it is you flick it and you spin around

and you imagine a bullet it doesn't have to be very scientific right into your head oh you know what we can do it's like that remember that social media thing

where you put the phone on the ground filming upwards and everybody puts their head and you throw an egg up oh yeah yeah yeah we can do that but with like a grenade or something.

Something that explodes when it hits you. So you have a little video of just, boom, that explodes. That would be fun. And that we broadcast up on, like, the Jumbotron. And what were you all doing to deserve death? They were just at the show. Yeah, probably, probably, probably that. It was probably, like, row three section.

It's CG. It's you. Flamethrower! Next up. What's up, KFC fights? It's the rest of the KFC gang. First time, long time. In lieu of this Drake story, I was thinking about something

that I've been thinking about doing. I've been dating my girlfriend for a little bit and she's on the pill and she's not crazy about being on the pill so I told her I'd look into getting a vasectomy. Back in college, I dated girls with IEDs. One girl had a hysterectomy, so it was always, you know, nothing inside, no worries. Gang shit.

You've got to find that chick who's had urine cancer. With a straight story, like, why don't more celebrity dudes, like, get vasectomies? They're reversible. You know, you know that you're not going to shoot a live load in any of these you know models or anything like why aren't they doing that would you get a vasectomy if you were like that famous especially if you know like it's reversible all right thanks what is your face about you gotta find that chick that had that uterine cancer fight gang shit gang gang you don't gotta gang. You don't got a uterus?

That's shocking for you. Well, there was just no reaction. That was something. That was something. Imagine being like, found my dream girl. She's this tall, looks like this,

loves these things, great sense of humor, doesn't have a uterus. Perfect. Perfect girl. Oh my fucking Christ. She's a survivor, dude. Much like Ben.

Yo, I mean, like, why don't more people just randomly get their fucking cum tube in their dick obliterated? Like, because that's fucking crazy. I've seriously thought about that. Why not? Well, the idea, you, yes, but celebrities who probably want to have kids at some point or would want to continue, they're like, hey, I want to give my awesome genes

to another generation. I think they probably are down with that. Get over yourself, drink. The greatest myth in the world is that the vasectomy is reversible. Like, yeah, bingo, bang, go bong. No problem. Turn it on, turn it off.

Open the cup, turn it off. You know, it's not like that at all. I just fucking went, ah! Right on the nose. Yeah. That, that's, I wouldn't, I wouldn't judge you if you cried. If you want to shed tears, I will not judge you.

Yeah, go ahead. Let it out, bro. Let it out. It hurts the most for you. You know what that is? That's fucking Reiki and shit. You hurt your ankle, your head hurts. It hurts right here. If I had Reiki powers, I would rub your head and your ankle. Oh my god, that was bad.

Anyway, I'd ask the guy if he could put a faucet on my tank. Like, don't fuck, like a little fucking gas, like a gas nozzle. You know what? Oh, I could turn it on and off. Turn it on and off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't they invent that? No, you know what you need?

It's almost like the train switches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going this way, you're going that way. The cum's going like back into your butt or it's going out. Yeah, put the cum the train switches. Yeah. You know, you're going this way, you're going that way. The cum's going like back into your butt or is going out. Put the cum on my butt. Yeah. You, we need a little redirection where you come and it's just a,

it's a, it's a closed circuit. The cum goes right back in your butt. But when you want to get somebody pregnant, you open it up and the cum goes out of your dick. Put the cum on my butt. I'd have that shit off 99% of the time. Yeah.

But like, but when I want it, you know, dude, that's fucking, Put the cum in my butt. I'd have that shit off 99% of the time. Yeah. But, like... But when I want it, you know. Yeah. Dude, that's fucking... Put the cum in my butt. Put the cum in my butt, bro. That's a great idea.

Why? Why doesn't that exist? That seems, like, so easy. Like... I feel like you gotta get the cum out. When you cum, you gotta get the cum out, I feel like. But fuck it. There's gotta be another...

Poison. There's poison in there, bro. You just have a bunch of cum building up in your butt, dude. That's going to be. What if we put a vein? You're going to get colon cancer from too much cum in your butt. What if I put a vein? How about this?

We fucking add a vein. We almost need a tube going out. There's the vein, yeah. So my dick is in you, but I cum outside of you. I cum right here. I cum down my own leg. Yes. Cum on my leg.

This makes so much sense. We need a little like. Because then like. Because then right. You need a dick a tracheotomy you need a tracheotomy you put the hole in your neck you poke a hole in there and then before it can come out of your dick into the vagina into the uterus of the pussy it just goes out why isn't some why why are we leading science where are you fucking it's like it's like doming it's like where were you guys on this one it's almost like even if you have the vein, right? Someone wants a facial, you can

fucking jerk that off too. I'll fucking hold it like my fucking, right? Here's my dick. Boom, there's my vein. You can catch a facial, no problem. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to be able to put it in or out. I'm coming up in that hooch. That baby maker, yeah. So I can spray it wherever you want, but I

also can spray it wherever you don't want fucking give me the option yeah it's like taking a bomb it's like it's like in batman the last batman where he flew that bomb out to sea you know yeah you gotta fly to come out to sea you gotta get it out the sea of my butt you're right we are so smart. Last voicemail is brought to you by Napjitsu. You want to talk about smart ideas? You want to talk about brilliant ideas?

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Karate Chop Sleep. Karate Chop Sleep. You can combine the two. Yeah. Karate Chop Sleep today with Nap Jitsu. Go to napjitsu, N-A-P-J-I-t-s-u.com slash kfc also karate chop kfc you know uh and you get 30 off your first purchase that's nap jitsu.com slash kfc 30 off your first purchase last one what do we got what's up guys um watching the news

a lot of these war shows have been getting canceled or postponed. Or they're just going to do it on a live stream or some bullshit like that. And I've always hated the fucking award shows. I've hated the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, whatever. Because I just feel like they're not voted on by real people. So then I thought, who would be the best at an impartial, real award award show and then i thought of you guys and the guys at barstool so this is the one i guess my question is um if you guys were to host an award show that encompasses all the media you know like if you guys were to do like a, movie, music, award show,

what are some awards you would give out? Who do you think the big winners would be? For example, I think of the show Veep and how it wins every year. I've never met anybody in my life who has ever watched the show Veep. Very, very wrong. I've bragged about it. I've said how funny it was. Must be a new listener to the podcast. We talk about it extensively no it's one of my that might get a

couple wins i'm watching it currently um yeah so yeah that's crazy you guys would this guy is just so excited for this idea motherfucker needs nap jitsu get your energy up this is a great idea we're going to do this i'm going to commit this. It will be everything from music and movies and TV, but also the internet, stand-up comedy, podcasts, all sorts of vlogs, short video series, everything in media that we

consume. Also just things like there should be an award right now. Kind of like I said Shane Gillis should have won Comedian of the Year. Which he did. Yeah, he did. Oh, he won Comedy Specialty. I think Nate Barazzi won Comedian of the Year.

Comedy of the Year, yeah. So we'll do that. It'll be more important than whoever gave that out. But there also needs to be just like Dude of the Year. And that would be Pete Davidson. He's not really even doing anything, but he's just everywhere and fucking people doing big things. The tweet that says celebrity is so awesome because a a couple years ago, Pete Davidson was just a guy

doing open mics in New York City and now Kanye West hates him. Yes. And it's not even like his comedy blew up or any of that shit, but it's just like, you get the job at SNL, you do a couple stand-up special things

and then you're fucking people and now you're like the man. You're famous. So we're going to do it. Veep would be a big winner. Always Sunny would finally get its due. Who would... Always Sunny is kind of the one, though, that we...

Mythic Quest. I think Mythic Quest is so great. Who would we give out awards to that traditional critics would not, though? That's the thing. You know? Like, who wins the Oscar? You know what I started last night? I only did one episode of Vigil on Peacock.

I didn't even know that. It's a BBC show. BBC fucking... Always good. It's got fucking... What's her tits? You know what I started last night? I only did one episode of Vigil on Peacock. It's a BBC show. It's got fucking, what's her tits? You know nothing about Jon Snow? She's not the star of it. It's got Sam's Baratheon, a lot of Game of Thrones leftovers. It's like a, there's a dead person on a submarine,

the USS Vigil. No, not USS, because it's British. But it happened in, it's a submarine that can't stop. I guess it's – I don't know how realistic this is. Maybe – I don't know how the British work. But it is basically like it's an anti-nuke submarine. So it's always ready to fire nukes.

It's kind of like one of those weapons of mass destruction type deals. And it's always out there, so it can't come into port. But it happened in British waters. So therefore, it has to have a British police officer investigate it. So they fly out on a chopper some British detective. And she's on the ship. And the government is like, you have three days. Because we're not dealing with this bullshit.

It's a dead body. Figure it out. And the first episode was pretty good. I liked it. So I'm in. I can't think of something recent, but like Saving Silverman. You know what I mean? Like Saving Silverman, we win like a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Meanwhile, it's got like, you know, 2% to 8%. Oh, I can think of things recent. Yeah? Yeah. What? Eddie Gerard Butler movie. You'll have your own category. There will be a Feidelberg of the year.

Bro, that will be... Like, that's one of the hottest movies of the year. The Feidelberg of the year will be a big one that we give out. Yeah. Let's set a date far in advance so we don't have to do this anytime soon, but we'll commit to it. This is up to you guys. You guys do this because you guys make us do things.

Like June 1st or something. I'll tell you what, you guys got to get credit for this because if this was probably, even so far as last year, this never gets done. Yeah. But you guys will hold us to it. June 1st. You guys will hold us credit for this because if this was probably even so far as last year, this never gets done. Yeah. But you guys will hold us to it. June 1st. You guys will hold us accountable.

June 1st. Just like we'll hold you accountable. We won't even do that. Never mind. Yes, we will. Put your beans in your sauce. Beans in your sauce. June 1st is a Wednesday.

Do we want a Wednesday? This seems like a Saturday, Sunday type thing. Yeah, it does. All right. So, you know, first Wednesday in June. First Saturday in June. First Saturday in June. First Saturday in June. Done. We're doing the award show finally. Lock it in. Time for our interview now with Brian Simpson.

Great fucking interview. Even better ATI. Go listen to all of it. It's brought to you by Helix Sleep. If you are tired like we talked about in our last ad read, it's probably because you don't get a good night's sleep. Probably because your bed sucks. If you get a, like we talked about it in our last ad read, it's probably because you don't get a good night's sleep. Probably because your bed sucks. If you get a high-quality mattress like Helix Sleep, you will feel better because you will sleep better.

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And it can start changing your life today. Also, you're going to get $200 off plus free pillows when you go to helixsleep.com slash KFC. That's H-E-L-i-x sleep.com slash kfc get $200 off any mattress plus two free pillows and change your life today brian simpson on kfc radio let's talk to him how you doing dude i'm doing all right which one of you smarter smarter by him welcome somebody was like so are you familiar with the show and I was like no and they were like okay well they're basically just idiots who said that?

you know who said that? the girl that just and I was like are they really idiots or is it just character and she was like well it's both yeah it's an accurate description I guess that's some bullshit not the one I choose to have our people give up.

I don't know if I want that to be the fucking thing that Booker is telling our guests. No, it's an ultra-crepidarian is what they call it. Well, we're dumber than that. You're smarter than us. It's somebody that speaks a lot on shit that they don't know nothing about. Yeah, we'd probably do that. No, I don't think so. I don't think we shit that they don't know nothing about. Oh, yeah, we'd probably do that. No, I don't think so.

I don't think we do that. I'm going backwards here. Yeah, yeah. I think we're pretty like, I don't know what the fuck that's about. Yeah, I will talk on any topic, but I will also tell you, well, I don't know what I'm saying here. Oh, yeah, that's important. I think we could use a lot more. I think every comic is like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's really the sign of intelligence. Yes. I think to be able to say what you don't know is like too many people in this world now try to act like they're an expert for fucking everything. And I think saying like, I don't really know yet. Everybody got to have a fucking take. Yeah, right. You have a fucking take. But you're also, everyone's like a little mini politician.

Yes. Well, that's what happens. Have we started yet? Yeah, yeah. Oh, sweet, sweet. Everyone's like a little mini politician. Yes. Well, that's what happened. Have we started yet? Yeah. Oh, sweet, sweet. Everyone's like a little mini politician. So it's like you have to manage your public image the way that the average person didn't used to have to do.

Yeah. I can't tell you how many times I'll make one joke or give a take about something that, let's say, leans right. And then I come back and I say something that leans left. And they're like, well, wait a minute, but you said this thing that made you look this way. And you can't be this. I'm like, yeah, I'm both of those things. It's like I'm not on your side.

Yeah, I'm not on anybody's side. I'm on my own fucking side and that's it. I get that a lot, man. People are like, I can't believe you were shooting guns. You said, yeah, motherfucker, because I like it. They were paying me to. I mean, to me, yeah, it's like I'm not always

the exact same way at all fucking times. Yeah, dude, it's like I want abortions and I want guns. You know what I'm saying? To me, that'd be like an abortion gun.

And I would just, like, who needs one? You know what I mean? You go to the gun range and help out some teenage girls. No, just walking down the street. Who missed their period? You know? Man, it's so true, though.

It's like, and then they get offended, and then they get mad, and they try to, you know, it's just like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Fuck up, man. You know, I've, I've,

I've stopped. It's not that I don't care that people are, are offended or whatever. It's like, you have every right to be offended about whatever the fuck you want. But I also had the right to not give a fuck about hair. Right. Yes.

Yes. It's like, that's not going to change anything I do because of your, it kills me too. Cause I like, I, cause I have friends from all walks of life. Like people you would never guess that I what you used to. I'm just not going to change anything I do because of your effects. It kills me too because I have friends from all walks of life. People you would never guess that I was friends with, both extremes, left, right, whatever.

And it's like I'm always arguing with my friends on the left because they always like to flip it and go, well, it's about accountability. But they don't want to talk about, they want accountability without responsibility. So it's like, yeah, sure. Hold somebody accountable. But, but what does that mean? Yeah. Does it mean, does it mean kill their whole family? Does it mean they should never make money again?

Is that the penalty? Cause they don't ever want to talk about what the penalty should be for people fucking up. They just want people to die. Or they just want blood in their mouth. They just want blood. Yeah. And it's like, you got it. You have to, if you don't want to have that conversation,

then you're not really serious about your offense. Right. Where it's like, okay, something happened. You don't agree. It is fucked up. But how about we don't ruin his career, ruin their lives?

Yeah. Because it's not new. Like, or cancel culture or people wanting to punish a comedian. That's not new. Remember when Roseanne fucked up the national anthem on purpose

at the baseball game? Do y'all remember that? You two, you don't remember that motherfucker. He was about five years old. She was like, it's finally, Donald Frank!

People were pissed, bro. And then she got, and then she kept, nothing really happened. Right. I mean, the thing is, people just hated her.

The people that hated you, they just hate you. And that's fine. That's just one less person to buy your shit or like your shit. But all of that, like calling up the venue and – I don't know.

That's what I think the punishment should always be. Like you said, that group of people don't buy your shit, don't contribute to you anymore. But you don't have to stop the people who do enjoy something from being able to enjoy it anymore. Exactly, exactly. But it's not going to change. So it's also like I feel like we argue about it, we talk about it, but it's just the way

it is now. So you got to play by these rules because nobody's fucking changing anytime soon. You really don't though. You don't have to play by no rules. Well, no, but you also can't, like, I'm saying you can't, we can't be like surprised every time this happens. Like, yeah, they're going to try to do it. Like, let's, this is just the new normal.

This is just what it is. But yeah, I've always said you can only get canceled if you let yourself get canceled. You can only get embarrassed if you let yourself get embarrassed. The people who just plow ahead and keep going, they kind of give up. Maybe that's what it is too, like on the side of the entertainer or whatever.

Maybe it's just that we used to not hear how upset people were. There wasn't any Twitter or whatever. People used to be upset and we used to not hear how upset people were. Yeah. Because there wasn't any Twitter or whatever, right? And people used to be upset, and we used to not have to hear about it. And so maybe that's another thing. You've got to grow a thicker skin.

People are going to hate you, and they can say it right to you. Yeah. I think that's the main thing. We talk about that a lot, where you just see more shit than you're supposed to. We probably see more shit than the human brain should ever see. Ever. We're constantly consuming. We're probably seeing more in a day than you know people decades ago saw in like a lifetime yeah it's like

you got you got like thousands of people judging you where it's like back in the day you know you have your circle that you hear from and that's fucking it yeah it's not normal to be this stimulated but what's what i think is crazy like people like us sure we see you know you have people who are replying to you all the time. I always think of, like, the person who is a regular-ass person and they go viral that day. The fact that that person survives the night is shocking to me. Because we at least, like, slowly waded into the water. We kind of dipped our toes in, walked into the shallow end.

You're like, all right, 50 people yelled at me today. All right, 100 people yelled at me today. 1,000 people yelled at me today. When it's just like you're one of the people. Remember that chick? She was on a plane and she was going to Africa, right? yelled at me today. Alright, 100 people yelled at me today. 1,000 people yelled at me today. When it's just like, you're one of the people, remember that chick? She was on a plane, and she was going to Africa, right? Yeah, Justine. Justine, and she tweeted, she's a PR specialist on her way to Africa,

and tweeted like, going to Africa, hope I don't get AIDS. This is years and years ago. She was like the first person to maybe really be canceled. Yeah, and by the time she landed, her flight landed, it was before Wi-Fi was even widespread on planes. By the time she landed, she was the talk of the world. She'd already lost her job. Has Justine landed

yet? Because everyone was predicting what's the first thing she's going to say. Oh, shit. From takeoff to land, her job heard about it, fired her, the whole nine. So she landed. She took off, said a joke, landed, life was ruined. It was fun. You're a PR specialist, bitch. Yeah, right it was like but you are specialist bitch. Yeah

100% It's like we you hear about like a like a like a doctor overdosing on Prescription pills. I mean, I don't want you to you know, you know, I'm gonna take dude. Come on. Yeah. Yeah what happened to her now? Wait, how long ago was that? It was like 2011 or something. Oh, damn. So this was right when Twitter was. I lived on Tremont Street. I lived in the apartment you actually have been to.

I'll call it eight, nine years ago. I guess that is 2011. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Justine Seiko was her name. Yep. The PR executive was fired. Has landed back at the IAC's match group.

So I don't know. I guess she's back on her feet. She's back with Barry Diller's company. Which is what happens, too, with most of the cancellations. You have a horrible day. 2014. 2014. And then usually you get yelled at.

And then 99% of the time, I feel like you get a job. You get your job. You know what the problem was, too? This is how she looks. Oh, yeah. That's the Karen look that became so popular now where people just go, ooh, we don't like you. Yeah.

You could be so sweet and nice and you look like that. No, people that look like that aren't sweet enough. You know why? I figured this out. What the DNA of a Karen is, you know what it is? Because y'all are comics, right? No. But you've been to comedy shows.

And you've been to comedy shows that have been interrupted. And it's all, it's 90% of the time it's a drunk, middle-aged white woman that looks like that, right? And I figured out what it is. It's the girl that grew up hot as fuck.

And then they hit the wall and they're used to pretty privilege, because that's real. Yeah. They're used to people letting them get away with shit, people meeting their demands, and then they get to the point where they're not quite that hot anymore. You can look at her and tell her, they used to be hot or whatever, and they can't handle people treating them differently. Right. Now you're just normal. Yeah. You're in a pack. And so it's like something happens that they don't like people treating them differently. Right. Now you're just normal. Yeah. And so it's like something happens that they don't like and they demand, I demand to speak to them.

Where it's like the manager used to just come up and make sure they were okay. Right. Now they're like, where the fuck is the people? It's fucked up. And I feel bad for people whose regular name is just Karen. Oh, yeah. That sucks. You just become synonymous with the biggest assholes in the world.

That's the biggest slip up than when Richards let Dick become... I'm sorry you brought that up because I think about that more often than I'd like to admit. I'm like, how in the world did that happen? And then how did people choose... Way back in the day is one thing.

Once we understood that we make fun of people and call them dicks and what a dick is, how there were people in like the 80s. Like, who's the last person to go by dick, you bet? Nobody being born now, everyone's like, I'm Rich, Richie, I'm Richard. Right. I'm just going to say I'm. Well, I know how it happened.

Is like in England, there was a time when Hackney rhyming slang became a thing. There was a time where rhyming nicknames became a thing. Okay. So Rich became Dick. Okay. You know what I mean? No. Because it doesn't rhyme.

I guess it's close enough. They British that. It's not that close at all. Rick and Dick. Rick and Dick, sure. Rich. Yeah, right. So Dick, Rick, Rich, Rick, Dick.

And so that's how a lot of, if you think about a lot of the nicknames, Rich? Yeah, right. So Dick, Rick, Rich, Rick, Dick. And so that's how a lot of, if you think about a lot of the nicknames, like that's why Bill and Will. Yeah, Bob and Rob. All right, so that was all from that. All right. Yeah, and I don't know when, I imagine that once Richard Nixon became a thing, that's when Dick became like a negative thing. You know? I mean, but I just can't imagine being like, and like when did they, became a thing. That's when dick became a negative thing.

I mean, but I just can't imagine being like, and when did they at what age? Because he ran for president as dick next. Did he? Yeah! Okay, forget about that. When he was like 10 years old on the playground, was he like, hi, I'm dick? I bet so, yeah.

That's crazy. To be like a little kid in elementary school being like, the teacher's like, Dick, present. That is nuts. And it was nothing. It was nothing. And then I imagine the Richards got together and was like, no, from now on, it's cock. Everybody spread the word. It's cock now.

Business seems to be good for you, brother. Things are going well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So far. Yeah? Yeah. It's only been like two weeks since this special came out. Yeah. Dude, it's so good. It is. business seems to be good for you brother things are going well oh yeah yeah yeah so far yeah yeah it's only been like two weeks since this special came out

yeah dude it's so good it is oh y'all watched it yeah oh yeah so yeah dude in fact

the your finishing joke I don't want to give out bits but we have a little jar up there we have to put money into it every time I make a suicide joke throw a couple bucks in that one yeah

that one that one took a while. Yeah, it took a while. I mean, there's layers to it. In fact, I remember when I was on the fence about whether to do it, and it was one of the last sets that I was running before we recorded. I think this was in Cleveland. And somebody in the back of the room was like, dude, why are you fucking telling people how to kill themselves?

Some people get touchy about it. No, but you know what? Honestly, I expected to get a lot of negative. But honestly, the only people that have ever contacted me about that joke specifically were people that were like, I was suicidal. Correct. And that joke was awesome. Right. Thanks for making me laugh or whatever.

Or maybe the people that didn't like it are dead. I don't know. Thanks for making me laugh. Or maybe the people that didn't like it are dead. I don't know. You don't hear from the ones that love it. The last thing we need is a fucking suicide note being like, Brian Simpson told me how to do this. That was super helpful. That would fucking bury me.

Oh my God. But yeah, I mean the special, Rogan's giving you that cosign and blessing, which is as good as it gets in the internet world right now. And I feel like, you know, you're just making the rounds on all the popular shows. Yeah. They've been fucking with me.

I mean, even before that, like, Segura was really fucking with me. Yeah, it's weird how, like, the old heads, because the older comics, like, the people, the old comics before them them, they didn't help anybody. It was very cutthroat. And it's like they figured out, they're like, oh, no, if we help together, we're powerful. Everybody, man.

It's like if you get everybody watching specials and everybody downloading podcasts and everybody buying merch and all that shit, it's just good for everybody. Yeah. They've been great about, like, turning that, I mean, they also, you know,

it starts with a guy like Rogan and, but once they get fucking rich is when it's easy, you know? Oh, yeah, Like,

now everybody, I'll help everyone, I got everything I fucking need, you know? So, once they all got there, like, the first thing they did

was putting other people on and it's been like, I'm not helping anybody till I'm rich I need every dollar before I can get back because you know that's the weird thing too

is like a lot of people think they see the Netflix thing and they think you got money it's like oh no no no no it does not work like that the money is always

way behind the fame right you know it's like no no I'm gonna have some money hopefully by the end of the year right but yeah

it's not like it's an immediate thing. Nah, bro. I got the, I filmed that six months ago. I got, I'm still living in the same apartment. I got roommates. Yeah. You know what I mean? My whole life is the same, except now.

Some people know, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Now people know, right. Yeah. I mean, it's coming. Don't get me wrong. Like you're on the right trajectory.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm just famous enough to disappoint people when they they like when we go out to dinner or something they like this is it yeah they look at me and i'm like hey man i can i can i'll cover the tip i'll tip for everybody you know yeah we got i mean around here uh you know there's some guys who have hundreds of millions of dollars you know big money and uh and then there's some guys who don't. And it's like, just because I'm around this doesn't mean I have all that. It's like being in an NBA locker room. Yeah, the rookie is still fucking in.

NBA is not a good game. Baseball, you get called up. It's like, yeah, I'm a major league baseball player. I've been a minor league baseball player for 10 years. I'm eating fucking ramen tonight. I'm dead. Yeah, big time. Yeah, it's like LeBron can get a private jet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, you need to make rent. For real. Where do you live? I live in North Hollywood. Okay, and where were you born? I was born in D.C. D.C., so you're now living that West Coast life?

Oh, yeah, I'm never coming back to West Coast. No. Dude, you're wrong. You're wrong. All you people are wrong. How long have you been in L.A.? Yeah, dude, you're wrong. You're wrong. All you people are wrong. How long have you been in L.A.? Yeah, dude. You fucking warm weather, folks.

I've been in L.A. for five years, and I've been on the West Coast for like 15. Okay. Total. I came back sometime in between. Okay, but now you're done. Nah, I can't do the cold. I can't do the cold, man. So here's the argument I've made before, and I think it's a strong one, so I'm going to

use exactly what I used before. The people who do the – it gets a little cold for like a month. Like global warming, not a good thing, but it is warm. It's better than it used to be, that's for sure. It is warmed everywhere. It doesn't fucking snow. Lakes don't freeze anymore. It doesn't snow anymore.

But the weather isn't the only – it's not the only reason. Okay. Well, then if you have other reasons, that's fine. But when people are like – it's like the only okay well then if you have other reasons that's fine but when people are like it's just like it's i like the warm there's so many other you know what it is too like one like this week like one or two days where it's like 10 and that's all it takes for people to just be like i can't do this i'll just i'll just go somewhere my house is probably gonna catch on fire when the forest burns down i'm gonna go live on a fucking fault where the big earthquake hits, we're all dead.

But don't get me wrong, but also East Coast cities, everyone is so bunched together. And so there's this coldness in the people. Oh yeah. So it's like that, I can't get back used to that.

I do miss the food. The food's a little better out here. I also think sometimes there's the coldness. Very rarely. More often the cold. I also sometimes think, though, there's like a connection. Like in L.A., you don't ever ride the subway with a stranger. You don't ever ride the subway in L.A.? Yeah, I ride the subway.

I didn't even know there was a subway in L.A. Yeah, there is. There is. I literally did not know that. I didn't think the one needed it. It's just a little safer. It's less crazy. But more often than not, you're read this somewhere. I didn't even know there was a subway. Yeah, there is. There is. Yeah, yeah. I literally did not know that. I didn't think the one needed it. It's just a little safer. It's less crazy. But more often than not, you're in your car, you're separated, you're not.

I just feel like sometimes there's, like, I guess when, I guess it's usually when really It's not a walking town. There's camaraderie. It's not a walking town. Yeah, yeah. It is not a pedestrian. And I honestly, it might be silly, but sports sometimes, like, where people come together for sports teams, you're not getting that out in LA where I feel like

everyone's a transplant everyone's on their own and that's fine you don't have to like love everybody else in your town but I feel like you do lack some of that

like you know people like from New York like they rep if you're in New York and you're out of New York you meet another New Yorker I feel like it's almost like there's a

oh yeah no I feel that all the time you meet people in LA in a different city it's like ah whatever when I hear somebody with a DC accent I go oh that's

like I feel like I gotta come back home, like, I come back home as often as I need to do mushrooms. You know, it's like,

once or twice a year to kind of reset. That's how it is. To be like, don't forget where you're from, and now go back out there and live comfortably. You know what I'm saying?

I get that, yeah. Yeah, because you do, because you do forget, like, if you stay in Los Angeles too long, you forget that the world ain't. That is a bubble. That's not real life.

It's not real life. I remember the first time I came back home. And I remember my homeboy was dating some new girl. And we were sitting around talking. And I just casually brought up my trans friend. And she was like, what? Like she couldn't wrap her head

around the fact that I was friends with multiple trans people and I was like, what? This is 2021? But it was like, oh no, no, no

because they're from Virginia. They're from like southern Virginia. They're going to never run into one person. No, no. Like all their trans people move. Yeah, they get the fuck out. Right, and they don't come back.

It's just a weird thing. You forget over there, it's not even something that would give anybody pause whatsoever. They're like, what's an avocado? I don't know, man. I will say multiple trans friends is a lot. I would love to have a trans friend. I don't know if I'd love. Love's a strong word.

Sounds like I'm fetishizing it. I'd be fine with a trans friend. I don't know if I'd love, love's a strong word, sounds like I'm fetishizing it. I'd be fine with a trans friend. I don't have one personally. You overthought that. You're like, I'd love to have 70 trans friends. No, man, I've had three friends, I had three friends transition over the pandemic. Really? Over just the pandemic, wow.

Yeah. People just saying, fuck it, I'm doing it. Like. Yeah, I got time. Life's too short. Oh, yeah. I got time. You going at home now?

Yeah, because it's like that, it's like that Yeah, because it's like going in a cocoon. No one is going to see you for a year or two anyway. I can get my looks right, get my clothes right, get everything right. Get your titties right, get your surgeries. Come on out and be like, hello. Bang. Also a veteran, a U.S. veteran, right? Yep, U.S. veteran, even though I think I get way too much credit for that.

Yeah, I think I heard you on Cigar. Yeah, it's just a lot. It's like, right? Yep, U.S. veteran. Even though I think I get way too much credit for that. Yeah, I think I heard you on Cigar. Yeah, it's just a lot. It's like, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything heroic or dangerous. Did you see any action? Were you like? Oh, no. I mean, because I was, so there's two sides to the Marine Corps.

There's the air side and the ground side. There's the, you know, there's the air side and the ground side. There's the grunts and then everybody else. You know, and so they're the people that are like knife in the teeth, machine gun. You know, and it's like, and there's a very small percentage of people that actually are on the front. I was in the air,

I was a technician in the air wing, you know. And so the most action I ever saw was, you know, we would get RPGs over the gate, you know, so the most action i ever saw was was you know we would get rpgs over the gate you know two or three times a week okay a good amount i was gonna say more action than i've seen oh right right but but but but i don't think you're gonna say someone threw a bomb at me three times a week well they always well you know the thing is it was scary as shit the first time it happened or the first couple times but it's's like by the end, it was like they always missed. Yeah, they ain't hitting.

And where was this? This was in Iraq. And it's like they miss so often that. You guys suck at this. Yeah, whenever it happened, we had to like all gather, which now looking back on it, I don't think that was a good idea. Everyone had to gather at a predetermined point so they can count everybody and make sure everybody's not dead. And it got to the point where the first time it happened, it happened when we were asleep. And it was like, oh, shit, everybody get up, grab your shit, load your weapons, go.

And by the time we left, people was literally, you know how back then you could like connect Game Boy Advances? Yeah. And people would literally be at the point like just playing through it. Boom. Because they never killed anybody. They turned into middle school fire drills. In fact, no, that's not true. They kill one person.

And that's only because. That's brutal to be the one guy in all these times. And that's only because he was somewhere to be the one guy in all these times and that's only because he was somewhere where he wasn't supposed to be he was like near a gas tank that he wasn't supposed to be out there or he was there at the wrong time or something

and it blew up but they never you know so it was like it was one of those things where you know it's like it's crazy that we've been at war so long that like you're telling stories about

the Game Boy connecting devices oh yeah this was back this was before this was when the iPad We've been at war so long that you're telling stories about the Game Boy connecting devices. Oh, yeah. This was back. This was before. This was when the iPod still had the wheel. Yeah. Yeah, this was then. I love that iPod, man.

I love the wheel. I had the iPod with the wheel and the buttons on top. Oh, wow. I had the first fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that one. I had the circle and then a row across. This was right when people started texting.

I read a tweet the other day that was like, no one has ever sent a tweet, no one's ever sent a text about the Bengals winning a playoff game. Yeah. Wow. Last time was 2001. No one's ever sent a text? Yeah. First text was sent in 2002.

Yeah, the first. That's what that tweet says. I didn't fact check it, but I saw that. That doesn't count because the rappers used to remember when rappers had the Skytale pages. So not that, but the first text from a cell phone. And the rappers weren't talking about the Bengals fucking winning the book. No, no, no. Nobody from Central.

Damn. That's brutal. I think it changed this weekend, but. Yeah. Oh, yeah, bro. If it's not this year, I mean, the Bengals are fucking popping. Y'all got Joe Burrow. The Beng yeah, bro. If it's not this year, I mean, the Bengals are fucking popping. Y'all got Joe Burrow. The Bengals are popping.

And unless y'all have some kind of RG3 level disappointment, because I'm a Skins fan, old school, or the Washington football, or whatever they're going to be. What's the new one? We find out on February 2nd. Yeah. People seem to think it's Commanders, I think. Commanders?

Commanders, Admirals. I don't give a fuck what it is. I think they should have left. I just want the owner to have a tragic accident. He is ruined. Jets fan and Nick. The Knicks are kind of all right now, but Dolan, the Wilpons, Will Metz. I mean, having a bad owner is the worst thing that can happen to you.

The Knicks owner is the only one I would say is worse than the Washington Washington. And it's still like, it's always like, worse, you're the worst. I'm the worst, you're the worst. And the only reason I say the Knicks is worse is because Stephen A. Smith is, like, probably one of the highest or the highest profile sports voice in the world is a Knicks fan and is constantly shitting on this man. So it's not like he ain't aware. No, he's so aware.

He is literally speaking for the fan base directly to the owner. No one's doing that for us. No one famous enough is going, Daniel Schneider, sell the fucking team. Dude, I mean, I'm from Boston, so I'm not in this, the Knicks fan. You spoiled fucking. These Boston fans, all they do is bitch and moan. Like they haven't won a, since 2000, y'all have won a championship in every major sport oh yeah

oh yeah multiple times yeah we went four in baseball six in football and they're so fucking they're so used to it and they get delusional I was trying to make plans

with him for the Super Bowl week and he was like well like I don't know the Pats might be in it but the Pats are not going to be in it this year you motherfucker

remember I said it's a long shot but the fact that it's even in your brain it's crazy and remember that remember when it wasn't that long ago, because I also remember one of my close friends in front of the military was a big Boston guy. We had it all.

We had the Boston. We had the cowboy. And it wasn't that long ago that every famous person from Boston was in a commercial that was like, I'll suck a dick for a pennant or whatever, right? And now you motherfuckers are like, oh, we lost. Dude, Matt Damon

is doing his crypto. Matt Damon's like, I'll suck a dick for a dogecoin. Yeah. Well, he added the best though because you were like old enough

to be understanding what was going on. But you had championships when you were a kid. You had championships when you were in high school. Never a kid. High school. I were in high school. Never a kid. High school.

I started in high school. No, no, I guess the Pats. The Pats, I was 12. Yeah. You had middle school, high school, college, post-college. You got to celebrate when you were hugging your dad. You got to celebrate when you were boozing with your friends. You got to, you know.

Yeah, man. I know motherfuckers that, remember when the, was it the Royals? Kansas City? Yeah. Yeah. Remember when, so I had a friend who his father died. His grandfather bought a bottle of booze and was like, we not drinking this. It was two of them, actually. And it was like an old clay pot.

It was probably poisoned by the time they drank it. And he was like, we're not opening these until the Royals win. And he passed it to his father and then the son. I was with the son. So two generations. He bought this whiskey when it was fresh,

when it was like prohibition. And he didn't get to crack it open until he was, yeah. And the dad was dead and the granddad was dead. And this dude, he had to fly his brother out so they could drink this whiskey. I don't even the crack it open until he was, yeah. And the dad was dead and the granddad was dead. And this dude, he had to fly his brother out so they could drink this whiskey. I don't even know if it was safe. You know?

I would have been like, ah, fuck this. Sorry, dad. I don't know, man. We won. I don't need to drink this. I vividly remember helping my grandfather clean out his basement. And he was like, he's like, you know, they're going to, I'm going to die before the Red Sox ever win a World Series. I'm going to die before the Red Sox ever win a World Series.

And he's like, I'm going to die before the Jacobs ever bring us a Stanley Cup. And he was like, he was like despondent, moving like lawn chairs. Like, I'm just going to die. I'm never going to see one. Motherfucker's still alive. He's like, if another parade goes by my apartment, I'm going to die. That's funny. He's complaining about the parades.

That's another weird thing about LA it's like whenever LA wins something they just they fucking set shit on fire yeah when they win right

it's wild yeah when they win we won this shit let's tear it down yeah y'all don't do that out here no we like

we there's a car flipped here and there but like it's I remember when the Sox won their first one someone got killed with a pellet gun. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah, it was like... To the head?

Yeah, it was like to the head. Why are you going outside? Bro, celebrating is for... Celebrating sports, that's for young people. Yeah, I think it was a young person to be honest. I think it was a young person. Of course. The parade,

I mean, I've never won a championship in my life as a sports fan. I feel like I got to at least go to a parade and see it. But being in it, chugging beers, and being in the mosh pit, I'm all set. See, I'm old enough now where you can't talk me into some shit by just being like, come on. Yes, yes, agreed. That's going to be all it took. Come on.

I'm like, all right. Right, right. Literally like, why not? Okay, yes, agreed. That's going to be all it took. Come on. I'm like, all right. Right, right. Yeah, you know. Literally like, why not? Okay, you're right. I know myself. I know that I'm going to be miserable. Yeah, like the last big major thing

that I went to to be in the crowd was the Obama inauguration. And that is when I told myself, never, never again. We got tickets to Kanye, the Life of Pablo tour when he had the floating stage

and then underneath that was like a fucking mosh pit and they were like you can get a suite or you can be on the floor underneath the stage and I was like

I vote suite we had a couple young guys in the crowd yeah fuck all that I'll be doing the buffet in the suite okay thank you

you know how many people went to Astroworld it was like oh my god I'm never going to know how crowded. Yeah, because that shit, at the Obama inauguration, bro, it was cold as shit. And it was like they were so concerned about his safety that all the ways you had planned to get back home weren't available. It was like, no one can get on this train until the president is gone.

So it became this, everyone getting mushed together, because everybody was moving towards the trains and then realized they couldn't get on them and trying to move back. And so everybody that was still going towards them that didn't know, and it was like the smash, and you lost your family, and it was like, fuck this.

Who, what? That's a nightmare. Because if I had known better, I wouldn't, because you know, it's like if you, the thing is, I only went because it's like,

if you were black at that time and people was flying from all over the country to go and I was like there. Yeah. And it was like, I gotta,

if I don't just, if I don't go, it's like it's here. So, and I was like, if I could go back in time I don't go it's like it's here so I went and I was like if I could go back in time and tell myself not to go out of the way yeah

it took me 8 hours to get home I lived 30 minutes away get out of town yeah oh my god my sister went to college in DC

and she was in college at that time and like her and like her college friends just rented their apartment because the people were paying so many people

were coming in that people were paying like insane fees insane rates for even like a college girl's apartment and she just came home for the weekend she was like fuck that it was like it was it was honestly like a crazy i want to say it was like 20 grand it was like a crazy amount of money for the weekend what what could get you uh what could what would get you up now to get you into a crowd nothing nothing yeah i think the same way or or what could get you we now to get you into a crowd? Nothing. Nothing? Yeah, I think the same way. Or what could get you, we talk about this all the time,

what would you wait on line for? Like, I can't think of a specific. Like wait in a line? Yeah, yeah. You know, people who like, you know, when you're a young kid, you're like, I'll wait on line to get into this bar. And it's like, never again. People who wait to see like a celebrity, they wait hours.

Like I, well, you know, man, I just wish our culture was just a little bit, never again. People wait to see a celebrity. They wait hours. Well, you know, man, I just wish our culture was just a little different. You know, in Japan, they have this thing where you can go and mark your spot and no one will take it. Yeah, that's crazy. That ain't happening.

It's like Southie. Yeah. Shuffling Southie. Shuffling Southie. I do understand the idea. I just did a shit ton of manual labor to shovel this out. I'm going to hang on to this spot. But I also understand people would be like, no, bro.

Your car's not there now. It's not your spot. It would have to be something like a once in a lifetime, like never going to happen again. I can't see it online. That's the thing is all of these things, like it'll be streamed on the television or whatever there is something

I think everything is so cyclical and age obviously plays a factor but I do think there is something to like be in there it is for a regular ass thing of course whatever we're talking about a regular season football game

watch it at home, probably. Yeah, but you're missing the point because there is something to not being there. But there's something more to being. There is. Here's the deal. As someone who's been to a couple of Super Bowls, be there when your team wins a Super Bowl. It's fucking awesome. It's awesome.

I guess we can't really talk. Be there when your team wins. Yeah, well, you had 11 chances. Yeah. Well, when your team wins. Yeah, well, you had 11 chances. Yeah. Well, that's what sucks. We were talking about that recently during the national championship game because it was like all dogs there, right? And I was explaining to my friend who was surprised that they were more

in Alabama, they have fans there, where I was like, it's not even that you're used to it. It's that you've saved up. It's a once-in-a-lifetime trip. So you've saved up, and you just can't afford to do it every year anymore. Right, right, right. Where it's like, the ticket costs so much, the hotel costs so much, the travel costs so much. So the more a team gets to

a championship, the less their fans are going to be there, because they just can't. Oh, yeah, bro. They charge you on a house and home. Let me give you the antithesis of that. Try saving up to go see your team lose a Super Bowl. Yeah. I've done that, too. Be a Buffalo Bills fan that saved up to watch a team lose a Super Bowl

and then you have to go through the whole crowd thing and then you and then you still live in Buffalo. Yeah. Like you gotta go back to Buffalo.

Dude, I went to the Pat's Bill game up there recently. It is, it's wild. It's just not a city. What, Buffalo? Yeah. I mean, I'm sure I

wasn't in the city part but like where we went and then when we went to the stadium, like I didn't see a building over four stores. They were bigger buildings in Buffalo, I'm aware. But from where we landed in the airport to where we went to get dinner, to the stadium, back to the airport, there wasn't a building. It was crazy. But they fucking love it.

I mean, that's like those guys. That's another thing, too, as I'm getting older. My team suck. They all suck. And I can't do it anymore. Who are your teams? The Jets, Mets, and Knicks. Oh, you're a New York guy.

Okay, okay. Jets, Mets, Knicks. Yeah. So the Mets is like who I was raised with, my mom. So that's like in my blood. I can't really quit it. But like the Jets this year, I was just like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing it this year.

I was the guy screaming and yelling. I was the guy screaming and yelling. I was the guy worrying about the draft pick. I was the guy, you know, can't take it anymore. I had a whole series on Instagram of me screaming and yelling. And I was like, I'm just not fucking doing this anymore. And I didn't really watch this year and it was like, this is amazing.

This is amazing. It was like a weight off my shoulders every week. Yeah, that's, I hit that point with RG3. Like when like a weight off my shoulders. Yeah, I hit that point with RJ3. Yeah, yeah. Because I was broken. I was broken when Sean Taylor passed. And I was like, okay, I got a little distant emotionally from the team. Because I was that guy where I knew the whole roster.

I knew all the staff. I knew everything about the team. I knew the prospects, all of this. I was all the staff. I knew everything about the team. I knew the prospects. All of this. I was in the boards and then Sean Taylor passed and I distanced myself a little bit. I still was familiar with the team but I was just not as attached.

And then RG3 came and I was like, oh my God. Like, wait a minute. We don't never have the guy. We don't ever have that guy that like, it was like Lamar Jackson. It was was like oh we we have a guy that everyone's afraid of yeah that hasn't happened in forever right and then well sean taylor was everyone's afraid but it was like and then they and then and then it was like they just completely just mismanaged this guy they ruined his career yeah fast when they made him play on that on that one field that was like a

sloppy mess and he played and he twisted his – it was just like insane. What did you think of – when this happened this year, because I'm friends with a few Washington fans, and like I would – it would have been a hard cut for me if my legend was disrespected how the Sean Taylor thing was handled. I was like – I joke about quitting over losing seasons and stuff like that, but what they did with the Sean Taylor stuff was so impossibly fucked up

that I was like, that would be, that would for real be. That was right after they did that just to make up for the. It was like there were a bunch of sexual harassment charges and then like the emails leaked. By the way, we're doing retirement. Yeah, and they just threw it together. On like a Tuesday, they announced that Sunday that Sean Taylor's retirement was happening. The fucking picture with his family is in front of a bunch of porta-potties.

It's fucking Dan Snyder's in sweatpants. They fucking had Jackson Mahomes dancing on the thing. They didn't even have a highlight reel ready for the halftime show. It was fucking nuts. I'd be like, I'm out. If that happens, it's like one of my guys died tragically, and then that's how the kid died. It is crazy because I don't even know if I could pick another team.

I don't even know who I would switch to. I don't think you can. I think if you quit your team for whatever reason, you end up just kind of being a fan of the league. But I can't just like pour my no my guts into because it's like i can't do because i can't do because because a lot of a lot of people in dc are cowboys fans right well a lot a lot of black people are because of like the when the whole when the league integrated whatever and the skins were the last team like the they had to basically force

them to do it and so a lot of black fans were like, fuck them, I'm a Cowboys fan. Just to be the rival. So a lot of DC people are Cowboys fans. But I spent so much of my life hating them that I couldn't switch to them just to spite the Skins. And then it's like so much of being a Skins fan is hating the Cowboys.

So then that just leaves me with Eagles and Giants and fuck them too. So I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Like you said, I feel like in the NBA, because it's such a superstar-facing league, and because superstars are so recognizable because they're not wearing masks and pads and stuff like that, that there are a lot of people who are just fans of the good players.

Anybody. Or fans of the league. I think you kind of do that. And I think football is moving that way where they're promoting their stars more and more and more and promoting them not wearing masks. You just watch Red Zone. You play fantasy sports or whatever.

You just consume football. It's not healthy, man. It's not healthy what I did to myself for the first 30 fucking five years of my life. I mean, it was like taking its toll on me. It's also not as enjoyable. No, it's awful. Well, I mean, being just like a fan of the sport,

it's not as enjoyable because there's nothing at stake. So the highs are not as high, but the lows are not as low. That's the thing. You're never going to get that reward. But also, when I never get the reward anyway, I was getting sick of it. When's the last time like a Jets game made you fucking jump out of your seat and go? In a good way or bad way?

In a good way. Oh, in a good way. Heavens. Heavens. Even the things that I was jumping up was when I was rooting for them to lose for the draft pick. So I would jump out of my seat when the other team scores. There was that game against the Raiders. I got so turned around backwards because the Raiders threw like a 60-yard Hail Mary at the end

to win it. And I was like, YES! Because I thought they were going to get Trevor Lawrence in that draft pick that year, which at that time, not so much now, but at that time was like, if you get Trevor Lawrence, you're going to win Super Bowls. And so I was like cheering my heart out for the Raiders throwing a

Hail Mary. And I was like, this is fucked, man. That was like the hardest I had cheered for the Jets in a long time. And it was because the Raiders throwing a Hail Mary. And I was like, this is fucked, man. That was like the hardest I had cheered for the Jets in a long time. And it was because the Raiders scored a touchdown. Bananas, man. So, yeah, I mean, as far as a good, when they beat Brady in the playoffs, like 2010, 09-10, when Sanchez was like, the time, you know, there's been good moments since then, barely. Fitz Magic came through and had a couple moments.

But, like, no, I mean, they, you know, they, good moments since then. Barely. Fitz Magic came through and had a couple moments, but like... There was a chart the other day of teams the last year they made the playoffs and the Jets are far in a way. Really? That actually surprises me. It was back then. Maybe because it's so prominent in my mind because it was so hurtful when we lost to you.

But it feels like they made it more recently. I saw a trivia question the other day. It was on the screen in my hotel. But it was like, there's four teams that have never been to the Super Bowl. I mean, the Jets, 69, the last time they've been there. What is it, the Lions? The Lions are a tough— If you're a Lions fan, bro.

Yeah, that's brutal. The Browns? Browns. Chargers have been there? Yeah, the Chargers have been there. They lost. Yeah. Texans.

Texans and the Jaguars. Jags. There you go. Yeah. I mean, it's just brutal for some of these people. Well, you know, those are new franchises. Yeah. The new ones.

Yeah. That's the Lions are the one that's like Jesus Christ. It's tough. Brutal. It's tough. Good for you. And your team plays on Thanksgiving every year. They got the spotlight.

They got that raw deal. Yeah. And they just. There are some teams that suck. They kind of just like snake by on like, you know, we're never on national TV. No one really thinks of us. Just like the family sits around once a year. Every family in the country just watches you.

And the Lions have had three RG3s. Yeah, they had their guy. They had Barry Sanders just retire. He was like, fuck playing for this people. Yeah, and the same thing with Megatron. Imagine that. If two people that are considered the greatest, one of the greatest. Probably the greatest each at their position.

Yeah, you could make it. They're in the discussion. And the greatest each at their position. They're in the discussion and they all retired in their prime. They both retired in their prime. Barry Sanders was just quietly like, I'm out of here. At least there was something with Calvin Johnson but I think there was some reason or some argument or whatever, but Barry was just like, peace.

And they still owe him money. I was going to say, he won't go back because they owe him money. Get that man his money. I was going to say, he won't go back because they owe him money. Give that man his money. Bro, the Ford family owns that team. Just give the dude. It's not like a crazy amount. It's a couple million, I think. Yeah, dude.

Like slow development on the next Equinox and give that man his fucking money, dude. Unreal, man. But yeah, listen, happy things are going well because you're a funny-ass dude, and I think the more people out there like you doing it, the better. I do like how you were surprised we saw a special. You're like, you thought the bar was so low. You're like, these guys are idiots. Because since then, it came out on the 29th,

and I've probably been on like 15 or 20 podcasts. And you can tell when somebody hasn't seen it. And I don't hold that against anybody. When I can tell they haven't seen it, I just don't put them in the position where they got to talk about it. But it's like, whatever. Or they've seen it and didn't like it. No, I mean, it's good.

And I like the half hours, too. The half hours are good. You can rip through them, and there's other good people on the stand-up. The stand-ups is such an awesome series. It really is. It's perfect. That's where I discovered Bargatze and Soder. It's perfect because when you're unknown, an hour is too much.

Because every comic feels like, I could have done an hour. Give me an hour. Everybody wants that. But an hour is a big task for somebody to watch you that has no idea who you are. Right, right, right. Now people will tune in for an hour. Yeah, and half hour was a good chunk because they watched the first 10 minutes and go, okay, I'll see the next 10. And if they like the next 10, they go, okay, I'll finish this motherfucker.

Right, right, right. Even now, I mean, I think Shane Gillis was saying he thinks an hour is too much, period. Yeah, I'll finish this. Right, right, right. Even now, I mean, I think Shane Gillis was saying, like, he thinks an hour is too much, period. Yeah, I agree. His was like 40, 45, I think, and he was like, nobody, because just the way the world is, people are watching fucking 10 seconds on TikTok, not an hour on TV.

So, I mean, once you've made it, you can probably do whatever you want, but it really is, less is kind of more, I'd rather a tight 30 than, you know, let me try to limp to 55, 60 minutes. Especially because the turnaround nowadays is so high.

I feel like a lot of people, your first special is kind of like your whole life's work, right? Your best jokes from your entire career. I think Shane was saying it was in 10 years. Yeah, 10 years and then it's like, okay, now do it again. You have 10 months. Well, actually, I don't know. You have 10 months. Yeah. What? Well, actually, I don't know.

I think my hour is going to be my best joke. My best. It's going to be better than a half hour. Yeah, than your half hour. I hope so. What do you think the best joke in your special was? I think a lot of people's favorite thing was the grandma story. The grandma story?

Yeah. The one I see the most is the pennies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I did that on Late Night a couple years ago. story the grandma story yeah the one i've seen shared the most is the pennies yeah yeah that yeah but that yeah that but i did that on late night like a couple years ago so that's totally original yeah but it's like but though but though you know that joke haunts me i mean that really i haven't written anything that's that good shared that's that sharp and short and succinct i would honestly make the argument that that might be, for my money, the funniest joke ever told.

It's so perfect. In terms of just a true, well-written and delivered punchline joke, it's perfect. And that's the only joke, that's maybe one of three jokes that was perfect right out of my head. That's exactly what it was because I wrote that joke in the middle of an argument.

It just hit you? I literally, this is off base a little bit, but I was living in a homeless shelter in L.A. that was only for Iraq veterans. So it was all veterans. And veterans, we talk about race. It's nothing. It's not like no one's uncomfortable. So it was all veterans. And veterans talk, we talk about race. Like it's nothing. It's not like no one's uncomfortable. You know what I mean?

So it's that kind of situation. And there was a gas station across the street that everyone would go to and buy cigarettes and juices and shit. And so I just come from the gas station and a lady walked in. And there's a picture of it on my Instagram. A lady walked in

and she dumped like 1,400 pennies on the counter. And everyone's in line. You know how sometimes on the subway, something is happening and you kind of make eye contact with everybody and it's like, we're all going through this. And it was that kind of situation.

And I get back to the homeless shelter and there's a little smoke area and that's where everyone kind of congregates. And we're smoking, and we're arguing about race, and that's when I said the pennies analogy. And it broke the tension. Everybody laughed, and I was like, oh, holy shit. Yeah, everybody didn't know about that. Yeah, and then I told, y'all know Taylor Thomason?

Yeah, yeah. So, like, the next day, I told her, and she was like, that's fucking great. And I did it on stage at the store, and it worked, and I was like, that's fucking great. And I did it on stage at the store and it worked. And I was like, I didn't have to edit it or anything. It's funny. It's poignant. Like it's, it's, it's as like correct and like, oh shit, as it is funny in a way. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's what I'm going for. So like you're saying some shit and it's, I mean, it's, to me it's like the. I love getting away with saying some shit. Yeah. Hell yeah. How long were you in the homeless shelter with like wild friends with taylor because taylor like being friends or you know knowing taylor feels like i've made it recent right so

where it's like yeah if you're with taylor taylor's been no i lived there for two years almost almost two years you know but we all got our own struggle. That was 2015 to 2017. Damn. So that's a quick turnaround to go from 2017 Shelter to Rogan. But by this time, so I've known Taylor since she started. So this is way, way back. But at that time, she wasn't huge. She was definitely way ahead of us but

what was her first specials probably 2017 right maybe 2018 i think she got a 15 she got the i forget what they called it the the comics or something yeah yeah but but that when i saw her the day after that the pennies argument we were driving to um you know we were driving like three hours to do some fucking bar show or something. It was like none of us were... Like made it. Yeah, none of us had made it to the point where it was like, hey, bro, you moving out that shelter. You know what I'm saying?

Nobody was on that level. But that's incredible, dude. That's a fast turnaround to be where you're at now. So congratulations. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it. We're going to go next door and answer some dumb questions, you know? Oh, yeah.

We got a series called Answer the Internet. I think you'll be good at it okay let's get it uh but before we do that so uh people can find you where you know oh yeah so you can when does this come out uh tuesday tuesday okay so it'll be too late tuesday but uh i'm in west nyack this week uh you can go to go to bs comedian on instagram and go to my link tree i got a bunch of tour dates up you know i'm gonna be in Ontario and Wisconsin and Philly and I'm doing the Netflix is a Joke Festival. I'm doing JFL in Canada.

So I'm everywhere. Just go to the link tree. If you're in any of those places, click on the link. I'm constantly adding dates. Beautiful. All right. Later, y'all. សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់� Thank you. Bye.