KFC Radio - The Homeless People in NYC Are Bullying the KFC Radio Team Ft. Joe List

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

- We spend wayyy too long trying to find the word for the people non-Jew who perform certain tasks for Jewish people during Shabbat - Feits and his trash body housed 5 whole meals in one night - Pavs got bullied by a legless, homeless man in a wheelchair and also allowed complete strangers to sleep on his couch - Ending to the Deke Zucker saga - Feits announces his recent acting debut, being the STAR of a really cool project - KFC got a new car finally - AITA - Clem poses a question: Would a human do better at competing at a horse triple crown or a horse competing at a baseball, human triple crown? - Video Voicemails - Joe List Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0:00 - Hardest Google ever 21:17 - John ate 5 meals in one night 25:21 - Pavs got bullied by a homeless man 41:49 - Deke Zucker saga 51:45 - Feits' acting debut 1:03:23 - KFC's car update 1:07:37 - AITA 1:24:28 - Clem and the Triple Crown debate 1:42:08 - Video Voicemails 2:05:24 - Joe List Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Gametime: Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Pandora/SiriusXM: Subscribe now and get your first 3 months for free of the Sirius XM App, visit https://barstool.link/SXMKFC to sign up. Offer Details applyYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. The Goys! Shout out to the Goys! Yeah! We got it! Let's go! I just turned them on. I didn't say I'm recording. Okay, go.

You said okay. I said okay. You goddamn bitch. I said it it was fine i didn't say it was recording when i say go then you can go so oh really oh really i didn't mean it like that am i allowed to to record my podcast now jacklyn now you can go thank you so so so much. Queen Jackie has blessed us with the green light. You don't go until I say go. What an asshole. Did you see Will Compton's tweet about beans?

Yeah, I fucking saw that. I saw your retweet. I saw everybody else's tag in it. I agree with him. I think beans are fantastic. The only thing he missed is... Oh, yeah. Actually, you had him on your list of most underrated foods?

Top five list of most underrated foods. You guys are like bigger bean fans. Well, you know, I was going to say the only thing he missed is using them as workout gear. Yeah, yeah. So it is a versatile snack, a versatile side, but he just missed that it's also an ankle weight. I am a bigger fan of edible beans probably than you are. Yeah.

Canned beans in your socks. There's nobody bigger than you, babe. I think you and you are. Yeah. Canned beans in your socks. I think you still take the cake There's nobody bigger than you, babe. I think you and you alone. There might be a chance. It's pretty hard to say that, like, you're the only person in the world who does or says or whatever, does something.

She might be the only person. No, there's gotta be. All during, like, quarantine, every, like, workout inspo person was like, oh, you don't have weights? Like, have, just use cans of beans as, like, weights. And then the obvious thing person was like, oh, you don't have weights? Like, just use cans of beans as weights. And then the obvious thing is like, okay, if I need to have ankle weights.

They like workout people said cans of beans specifically? Well, for like arm weights, like instead of like whatever. And so then the obvious like next. Do it for leg weights too. Do it for leg weights. That is the obvious conclusion. Yeah, naturally. Next thing you know, you're sticking them in your socks.

That's just how it goes. And then, obviously, you put socks and beans in your feet. All right. If we're talking yesterday, I was doing a little handiwork. Oh, yeah. I saw that. You're talking Allen wrenches. I was calling them hex keys because I don't know. Hex keysches I was calling them hex keys I just googled

Eight sided thing And Wait That's not that's six Octa's eight I googled What do I need to fucking wrench this thing Wrench this

And so It said you need a hex key I was like, what do I need to fucking wrench this thing? Wrench this. You need to wrench this. And so it said, you need a hex key. So I walked to the hardware store. And the guy's like, it's a weird hardware store. It's like a little one right on 7th Avenue. And it's like a glass. They go back and get all the tools. Like a counter.

Yeah. It's almost like everything in liquor stores. And everything is back there. Weird. I like hardware stores. Like, they go back and get all the tools. Like a counter. Yeah. It's almost like everything in liquor stores. Yeah. And everything is back there. Weird. I like hardware stores. Yeah. Top five smell in the world,

hardware stores. Nah, this is like a whole... Yeah. But you know what I'm talking about? Like, hardware stores have... Bro, I've been in a hardware store like three times in my life. You guys know what I'm talking about?

Two of them were yesterday. What is that? I'm pretty sure it's wood. Wood? Yeah. Yeah. They have a very... Yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. There's a very distinct smell. I think I would it's wood. Wood, yeah. They have a very distinct smell. I think I would have said wood is the smell, the overwhelming aroma in a hardware store.

Why? I don't think they all have wood necessarily. I'm thinking of Home Depot. They have aisles and a stack of wood. Not a Home Depot. Like a local hardware store. Yeah, I've never had one of those. I mean, I guess I was.

Again, I guess I was yesterday, but that's the only time. And I was like, can I get a hex key? And he's like, what size? And I was like, oh, boy. I didn't do enough research to talk to a man who is a man. Right, right, right. I was like, I don't know. Can I just get a pack of them?

And he's like, yeah, metric or imperial. And I didn't even know what imperial was. I was like, imperial? I don't know. And then he goes, why don't you just come back here? And I just grabbed the biggest pack I could see. I was like, I'll just take this. All of these things.

They must be the right size. And this one is this huge fucking pack of them. Walked back to my apartment. Also, the answer there is both. But like, I honestly didn't even hear. When he asked a question, my body just shut down was like metric is metric people know like imperial is kind of wacky it like nobody says no one says imperial you know i did not know what it's a weird thing you're just saying right now i knew what it was but like if you had told me

what's the opposite of metric i would be like i don't know us yeah yeah and uh and so i just grabbed that big pack walk back to my apartment Immediately none of them fit What I'm trying to do is I was trying to change my lightboxer My shield Because I'm so god damn fucking strong I broke it They're like how'd you break it I was like how do you think I broke the punching machine I was hitting it with a shovel

How'd you break it And so So I fucking I tweeted the picture. I was like, what do I do? And they were just like, what? Metric, you idiot. Metric, you idiot. Usually when I ask a question, I delete it once I get the answer.

But that one was funny, so I had to leave it up. And then so I walked back to the fucking hardware store. And I was like, hey, actually, I need the other pack. And he just goes, and turns around. So smug. Listen, you motherfucker. Can you do a podcast?

How about that? I was going to say, you come in here and sit down and do two hours of entertaining podcasts and then you can snicker at me, you motherfucker.

Like, I said, come on, man. I hate that. I'm kicking a man when he's down. I just had to schlep back here because I'm a fucking too much of an idiot. I know I'm an idiot. You don't need to, right? I hate that. Kicking a man when he's down. I just had to schlep back here because I'm a fucking too much of an idiot.

I know I'm an idiot. You don't need to. I hate that, man. Him in a stretched out dirty t-shirt that he got a fucking polo at 94. He's like, oh, yeah, well, I can dress better than you, you son of a bitch. Speaking of, quick sidebar, this hat. Whoa. This hat is a statement.

Between Jackie's meat shirts And your corn hats We are just covering agriculture of America right now What is this? Is that Perot like Ross Perot? I don't fucking know Where do you get that? Where do you get a hat like that? It was in my apartment

Oh that was just like laying around? You don't remember ever buying that? I never bought this hat, it's not my hat Don't know where this hat came from I found it when I was moving stuff To look for my toolbox around. You don't remember ever buying that? I never bought this hat. It's not my hat. Oh. Don't know where this hat came from. It's a hat. This was actually I found it when I was moving stuff to look for my toolbox. Which I never found.

That's why I went to a... Which doesn't exist because guess what else I never bought? I never bought this hat or a toolbox. That's why I went to the hardware store because I couldn't find my toolbox but I did find this nice hat. If I have one word of advice to people growing up, it is dress ridiculous enough that one day you can come in wearing a Perot corn hat

and people just kind of go, yeah, that's what that guy does. Give me that. If I came in wearing this hat. If I just walked in and I was like, what's up, guys? You guys ready to do the podcast? Hey, anybody got any one-minute man ideas? It would be all-out laughter. It would be all-out laughter.

You sons of bitches. Because I have just established myself as a non-perot seed guy. Perot corn guy. You can be a perot corn guy. I can't be. So to all the kids out there, once you're dressing like yourself for style, be just ridiculous enough and you can wear hats like that. You find a hat in the weird corners of your apartment,

you can put it on and wear it. Just, like, imagine that. There are certain people that you can just go, oh. I was like, this is kind of a fucking shit. Okay. I'll put this on and people will just allow me to do that. There are certain people that you can just go, oh. I was like, this is kind of a fucking shit. Okay. I'll put this on and people will just allow me to do that. And then there are people who will be like, no, boo, you're ugly. Kill yourself.

So speaking of kill yourself, Joe List is on the show later. His interview is great. There is certain places in the world, hardware stores being one of them, where they think they're better than you? Yeah. Oh, 100%. And by some metrics, they are. Yeah.

Because they know how to do certain things that you don't. You could build a home. But again, like, there are – see, here's the problem. There are certain things that are inherently considered adult and masculine and capable and all that shit, but they're kind of going by the way of the dodo you know what i mean it's like you don't need to be able to drive a stick shift you don't need to be able to build your own this you don't need to be able to hunt your own that it's cool if you can do it kinda yeah but it's no longer like back in the day don't get me wrong you couldn't hunt

and build and shit you're a fucking bum now you're dead gone aversive you give you know that's you pretty lame that's what I'm saying man oh oh you do you can do manual labor cock yeah you're doing nothing but a fucking you're you're you're like a you're slave bro that call up you're my movies right yeah call what noise noise is only called the remember I'm jokingly saying to someone Jewish ones I was gonna make sure to say oil Moyle's the guy who chops the dick. Yeah. This is where we're at our best, by the way. Vocabulary's not our strong suit.

It was the same. Moyes? Mench? Mench? No, it's the, the Saturday for the Moyes, I think, was going to be because on the Sabbath. I believe it's M-O-I-S-E is how I would guess, right?

Yeah, it's some kind of Jewish spelling, that's for sure. And it was, it's like they, you know, devout Orthodox Jews can't, like, turn on electricity on Saturdays. Right, right. So, like, that's the guy you just call to come turn on the lights in your fucking apartment. And, like, it's just like, they just have, like, a fucking... Designated light guy? Yeah, like, it's just like, yo, you gotta come fucking...

Orthodox Jews turn on lights. Yeah, more... No. I'm right on lights. Yeah, more... No. I'm right on this. We need a Jew in here. Someone go find me a Jew. Fetch me a Jew. Fetch me a member of the tribe.

Fetch me a chosen. I was going to go grab someone from outside, but now I feel weird. Dude, we're at an entertainment company in New York. Open the door and yell. Does anyone know us? Hey, Jews! Get your Jews here! Get your Jews!

It's something like that. By the way, there's such a big difference between Jews and the Jews we're talking about. Oh, yeah, but they know. They're crazy. Electricity on Shabbat. Anyway, while we're waiting on this, and kind of talking electricity, if this guy only knew what happened

later in the night, I had a heck of a night last night, just how I did things, but I had to go, I had a smoke alarm start going off. Yo, what's the guy who turns the lights on on Saturdays? Come on!

Is there something like Moizel? No, it's not the dick guy. When the Orthodox Jews can't turn lights on, there's a guy who comes and turns the lights on apparently, John says. You don't know the term? You're a terrible Jew. Never come to get that one. How do Orthodox Jews

turn the lights on in their home? Yeah, let's figure that one out We're gonna get to the bottom of this folks. Yeah, well that thing They probably do some shit where they like it's like a it's like one of those Rube Goldberg's they all we do is like push a ping-pong ball and then it falls down and blah blah blah and that turns on The lights, you know, I mean, that's all. This is some fancy technology stuff. There was a time. You're telling me that there's a guy you call to your house. But how do you even do that?

This is just what one single Jewish person told me. So maybe they were lying to me. You know, they are a shifty bunch. And they would just come to your house and be like, flick. I think they specifically referred to the neighborhoods in Brooklyn and be like, flick. I think they have basically... I think they specifically refer to the neighborhoods in Brooklyn and stuff like that. Designated switcher. Where there's like...

Hey, we're on the podcast. We have a quick question. We need somebody that's Jewish. Who is this? Jake. Okay, Jake. Feidelberg says that when the Orthodox Jews can't turn lights on, that there's a term for the guy who comes to their...

Come on in, Jew. He says that there's a term for the people who turn the lights on for the Orthodox Jews who can't use electricity on the Sabbath. No, I don't know about that. Come on, dude. Dude, it might have been... I think you got duped by a trickster Jew. No, I don't.

I think it was... Honestly, I think it was... I mean, we're pretty good about that. Yeah? What did you say? We're pretty good at that. Yeah, that's right. I just it was Fleischman. We're pretty good about that. We're pretty good at that. I just said that. I'm going to call Fleischman. I think it was Fleischman.

I don't remember. It definitely made sense because we were like, oh, Saturday's for the boys. It rhymed with that. At least it rhymed with boys. It was going to be something like that. There's got to be someone who knows this. You know what? This is the worst for

podcast listeners when people know at home and they're going, it's fucking moosh or whatever. Why can't they get it right? She never, she's cutting hair all day so she won't pick up. I'm not positive it was her. So how are we even here? Oh! Shabbat?

Shabbat's it the boys, maybe? No. No, because it would be Saturdays are for the... Maybe she was saying like Saturdays are for the Sabbath? Saturdays are for the Shabbat? I hope I'm right about this.

I don't think you are. We're talking to a lot of Jews who don't know what the fuck you mean. I really don't think they have a designated light switcher. No, that was for sure. It's like a Catholic who lives in the neighborhood.

I was going to say, okay, so it's a non... Who lives in town. And it's just like... It was like in the neighborhood in Brooklyn. Google Brooklyn Orthodox Jew Neighborhood Christian Lights. If we find this, I'm going to go nuts. This is the hardest Google has ever worked. If the semantic crime pops up, they're like, guys, you're too deep right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if this doesn't pop up, you know, right away, it's not a thing. But anyway, the... The Hasids, man, they're crazy. Shabbo's Goy. The Goy's! Shout out for the Goy's! Saturday's for the Goy's! Let's go!

Saturday's for the Goy's! Oh, fuck you! Not racist! Not racist, baby! Not racist! Bro, the fact... This is gonna be even crazier when you listen to our interview later because the same exact thing

happens in our interview with Joe List regarding gay people. Wild turn of events that happen twice in two days. Saturdays are for the goys. G-O-Y-S? Goys are the Gentiles who turn the lights on.

That's very funny. G-O-Y-S. That is so... How silly. How fucking silly that they would... That you gotta... That still can't find it. G-O-Y-S?

G-O-Y-S? Definitely no double G. G-O-Y-S, right? Shabbat Goy. G-O-Y-S. right? Shabbat Goy. G-O-Y-S. That's as good as I did. You read it. You got it.

It's a little more color. I got it. I got it. Okay. Read it. All right. It's a non-Jew who is employed by Jews to do certain types of work. You know who would be great at this?

I fucking nailed it. I nailed it. You did. You did. You know who would be great at this? Fucking me. I would be a great Shabbat goy. I got a lot of the Jews in my life, and

I respect the people. I respect the tribe, and I'll roll in there, and I'll flick your lights, and I'll fucking wash your dishes or whatever, and you pay me a nice little fee. Whatever you guys can't do. There's a recent movie called The Shabbos Goy. Shabbos Goy. Shabbos Goy.

Jake Bass says that's also just what we call all non-jews it's just goys so got it you guys so shabbos goy is on shabbos we call the goy over to do these things so it's like yeah i'll i'll come i'll do the electrical work i'll fuck your wife for you and uh i'll cook your dinner and you pay me 50 bucks that's what this guy fucking thinks that he is this that local hardware guy that's why we're talking about because Jackie like told you guys not to start yeah it's amazing it's amazing where we end up so this this guy thinks that he's you're it so wait you're the Jew and he's the Goy? Yeah, I can't do any work. He's got to come do my work for me. It's just that you don't have a religious restriction.

You have a capability restriction. You're an idiot. Low T. Yeah. Famous former Goys. So that's just Elvis, Obama, Al Gore. Yeah, because you know why? All of these guys are politicians because they wanted the Jew vote.

I got to be honest. I don't think you can have black goys. I don't think they can. Come over and do my work. They're paying them, right? Are they paid? Yeah. Well, you never know with them.

It depends on how much. All right. We'll cut that part. This is getting a little offensive. Some of the doors are electric. Depends on how much. All right, we'll cut that part. This is getting a little offensive. Some of the doors are electric. That is so fucking utterly ridiculous that any religion, you would step up to a door and be like, well, we're stuck. We're stuck until Sunday.

I'll see you on the sunraisers, guys, because we can't do this until then. Gotta be fucking kidding me, man. Yeah, all of these politicians, like, yeah, I gotta get the jewish vote so let me go do this do their shit yeah yeah you're saying i was in the law office you're right obama and al gore and fucking everybody just looking to run for office i said i'm gonna sleep my office i won't let you do that hilarious oh man um good stuff yeah anyway fuck people who who who try to act better than you because they can do manual labor shit and you can't yeah yeah that's the point that's what this is all about um the other day i got locked out of my apartment so i have like i have a door i live in like a dupe not a duplex like a two family so there's like a door that you lock and

then i have a door to my apartment at the top of the stairs, but I don't lock that because I don't lock that. But they're showing the apartment recently, and so people come in, and then they think they should lock the door on the way out. And I don't have keys for that anymore because I lost my keys one time and needed a locksmith to come, and he replaced the lock. So the original keys I have don't work, and I immediately lost the original keys i don't have i have don't work and i just immediately lost the keys because i don't lock that door so i just don't have the keys to

this fucking doorknob right to this apartment to my apartment to my apartment um and so um and i usually if i have a cleaning lady or somebody come i always just tell them don't lock the top door and i just forgot i didn't realize they were showing it so I go upstairs and I'm like turning it and I'm like ah fuck and I was about to just smash the plate window it's like one of those plate window doors I was about to just smash it and reach in

and I get out I'll tell you what you'd be dead if you tried that well here's what happened I do have a toolbox and it's actually right outside I have a little closet right outside that door so I open it up oh you thought I was going to punch it or something oh no

you got your fucking mind you're definitely going to cut your wrist yeah no that is insane I got out like a socket wrench and I was just I was just you know

I was like I'm just going to tap it and get like a crack you got to hit a fucking window pretty hard like in the movies and they just kind of go like dink you know

they just like roll their elbow up I was like and it like didn't even fucking I was just kind of go like, dink, you know, they just like roll their elbow up. I was like, uh, and it like didn't even fucking – I was just kind of giving it like a crack. Were you trying to break a plate glass with a wrench and you couldn't? Well, I could if I wanted to. But I didn't want to like smash everywhere so I just kind of gave it like a tap. And I was about to go – so I was about to just be like, here we go.

Like I'm just going to fucking whack this thing. And at the last second i i my apartment is so old and busted i i was like let me try to do like the credit card yeah you know and it's the you know how my apartment's crooked the thing slides so the door the doorway is like slanted too so i like barely touch it and it just went I felt like an idiot for not like locking my own apartment or having keys to my own apartment. And I was like, it doesn't even matter because whoever wanted to come here,

like I, if I, if I had just like pushed it a little harder, it probably would have opened. I literally like touched the little thing on the door with the, the credit card. And it went, that reminds me of one of my,

one of my all time favorite videos. Check Google cop fence Boston manhunt. Oh, it's an all-timer. It's an all-timer. Dude. It is so fucking funny. And you know he just keeps on walking. He's like, ah.

And you know he hurt his dick He's like You know And you know He hurt his dick too You know You know those spikes hurt him So fucking good And then The next guy Just walking through

All the time Classic I thought for sure That was marathon Yeah Yeah I would've I would've guessed that too That is so good man

That is so fucking funny Alright We should start the podcast Start the podcast Dude Before we start the podcast start the podcast um dude wait podcast real quick i just want to tell you what i ate last night starting at 6 p.m nothing nothing spoiling like that right uh nothing rotten or expired don't worry dude i well uh so i at 6 p.m i made myself a kale salad uh you you got to massage. Which, yeah, I was talking to Kevin while I was doing it, and I was like, wait, I have to massage this kale.

You have to massage your kale? Jackie, do you eat kale? Yeah. Have you ever prepared it? No. No, you got to massage it. You got to massage your kale. I've heard that.

I've heard that. Yeah, I called my mom. She's like, yeah, you got to break the veins. I was like, the what? Bro, if you Fucking diddle your kale Before you eat it You're a deviant You sit there just fucking

You're a demanding little slut You're a demanding little leafy green You're a naughty salad aren't you Fucking gross man So it was a hollow fresh It was delicious It was honestly It was genuinely It was delicious. It was actually genuine. It was really, really, really

fucking good. No, I didn't soak it. But the... So I ate like most of... It's a two-serving. I ate most of the two servings. I probably ate a serving and a half, leaving half a serving there. Then I get

to Hoboken where I consumed a – I guess it's like a Hoboken special kind of thing. I don't know. It's like roast beef, mozzarella, and a ton of gravy. Yeah. Full sub of that. Where did you get it from? I don't know where they got it from.

They were just at the live stream. Wait, was it Thursday? No, today's Thursday. No. Or tomorrow's Thursday. Tomorrow's Thursday. It's Tuesday. Then the next period I had full chicken parm.

Platter or hero? Hero. Next period, full meatball sub. No. Dude, and I'm eating in between. Bro, this is. In between periods, I'm eating buffalo wings. And then I got home.

Are you pregnant? Dude, and then I got home. What's wrong with you? And I fucking. Ice cream? Ice cream, yep. Netflix and chilled. It's not very good.

It was the only kind I had downstairs at the bodega. But then I was still hungry. So I had the rest of my kale. But I'd eaten all the chicken out of it. My first one and a half consumption. But I still had those fucking undercooked. I had that other undercooked burger from last week. So I cut that up and I cooked it again.

And I put it on the stove and I cooked it so it was fully cooked through. But I kind of mashed it up and I put that in with the rest of my kale and I ate that. You had a hamburger kale salad? Yeah. An expired meat salad? That was already cooked. After having three subs. And then already a salad and a half.

And then honestly probably eight to ten buffalo wings in between periods. It was like I was a machine. What is wrong with you? When I got to the second sub and poured extra marinara sauce on the meatball sub

because it wasn't enough. Were people like, what are you doing? I don't think – it was a lot of hustle and bustle. Nobody's paying attention. Yeah, we weren't really making a scene of it. But it was like – I mean, I know what you're talking about. Like, when you get a hero in Hoboken, it's no joke, too.

They fucking load you up. Like, one of those roast beef and mozzarella heroes, usually, half is I'm good and I can have half later. You had that, then three. So you had like six times what most people will have, like I'm good with just the half. Yeah, and I'd already eaten dinner. You had six times the amount of a normal person. And then I ate dinner again after.

And then you had snacks and you had a second dinner. Yeah. I mean, do you have tapeworm? Huh? Do you have tapeworm? I don't know. Are you bulimic? Were you throwing up?

No. I was about to say, you're going to have to shit in a cup because that's how they test for tapeworm? Huh? Do you have tapeworm? I don't know. Are you bulimic? Were you throwing up? No. I would say you're going to have to shit in a cup because that's how they test for tapeworms. That's not human. That's like, Pabst did that the other day, right? I mean, you had your one day where it was like, I don't even know if it compares to that, though. That's nuts. It was gross. I mean, it was crazy.

If Pabst thinks you're gross, you're disgusting. I did admit to eating uncooked burgers the other day. I did that in college two, three times. College? College? He's 30. I look like I'm in college looking at my hat. I have a quick question for you fights. Today, on my way to work, I'm about ten steps away from the office.

I'm around in the corner, and a guy in a wheelchair with no legs asked me if he could help him cross the street. So obviously I do it. I cross the street. He goes, can we go one more? So I go one more. And then we went another. How far? And another. Wait, what? And another. How far? 14 blocks. What?

14 blocks. 14? How did you not lead the show with this? I have. You walked a legless homeless man 14 blocks? And I kept asking, where are we going? I'll just bring you there. He said, we're going to the store. And I was like, what store? He said, the store. What store, bitch? And then I was just going to keep going. I want to ask you, He said we're going to the store And I was like What store is it The store What store bitch And then I was just

Going to keep going I want to ask you How many blocks would you go Wait so you got to like 28th street And then you went to where 15 feet And then I don't

I don't even know Where I went You were going north or south I was so flustered And I called somebody We were going north So you went to like 42nd street

Wait wait wait Was that today When you were already here Yes That's why you were going That's why I was gone for so long. I went to go get breakfast. I didn't even get breakfast because I got to get back just in case there's something going on.

I didn't even get breakfast because I was on my way. 14 blocks? Dude, I don't even think Feidelberg would do that. And the reason why we stopped is because he just hit the brakes and said, go away. But wait, wait. He can't wheel himself? He could wheel himself because he obviously got there. Right.

So what are you even bringing to the table here? He must do that to people all the time. Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised he didn't take you to some back alley and just rob you. Yeah. Because I'd get robbed by a Legolas homeless man. Definitely. But give me your wallet.

I wouldn't even think to rob it. Okay, here you go. Ah, fuck, you got me. Bro, I cannot even fathom doing... If that was me, as that man opened his mouth to talk to me, like I'm 10 feet past him while he's saying the word store. Like I am spitting on him as I walk by him. I am kicking him over.

I can't believe you guys talk to these people, let alone walk a mile with them. You walked like a mile. Mile and a half. That is insane, Pads. Pads is wild because he's – It took me 20 minutes? It took me 20 minutes. Yeah. I mean Nick was in a room the whole time and I just got back right before he got back from the meeting.

So you walked like 28 blocks. Yeah. I mean, Nick was in a room the whole time, and I just got back right before he got back from the meeting. So you walked like 28 blocks. Yeah. That is genuinely insane. Didn't you also have a homeless person in your apartment the other day? Oh, yeah. They didn't end up not being homeless, but I woke up like two Saturdays. In your apartment or in your apartment building? On my couch.

On my couch. What? A homeless person. So basically, I woke up around 6 a.m., and there's just two people that didn't look like they belong there. They didn't speak English. And uh. Did your roommates bring them home?

I just like let it go for like 20 minutes and then I went. What? I let it go and then I went into each one of my roommates rooms and was like do you guys know these people? I finally get to the last roommate and he's like yeah dude it's a long story. Um I brought that girl home. She doesn't speak any English. And as I was hooking up with her at the bar, as they got in the cab, another guy jumped in to stay with her.

He's like, they didn't speak any English. And then we get to the apartment, and they both just fell asleep on the couch. And then I just went into my room, and I was so drunk, I was like, I'll deal with this in the morning. You guys are so lucky you don't get murdered. He's like, you got to go get him out. I can't show my face. I'm like, why? You?

Me? What? You got to go get him out, bro. I go in the bathroom. I give myself a little pep talk. I'm like, you're going to get him out. You're going to get him out. And I go over there.

I'm like, hey, guys, we're having some people over in like 10 minutes. Vamanos. 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Oh, my God. I tried two more times until I finally had to escort them out. Bro, for future reference, dude, tell us about these things. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't forget it. Yeah. Like, both things. That's like, guys, I got something to say to start the show. That's like, the show's done. We're not talking about anything else today. We now have the topics for the day.

Oh, when she woke up, she kept screaming ecstasy, too. You know what, man? These are the things, too. I know that so many people are listening at home going like, oh, my God, New York City's fucking disgusting. But this is why you live in New York City. For shit like this where it's just like, yeah, man, you ever wake up with two fucking Colombians on your couch? If you haven't, you haven't lived yet, man.

Who start their Saturdays with ecstasy. You know that was some sort of hustle, right? Where they're like, he sent his girlfriend over, go chat off that white boy and we'll rob him and his friends of their drugs in the morning or something. And they just got too drunk.

Yeah, and they were like, these guys are actually nice. We don't want to slit their throats. We'll go get the guys next door. I don't know. Okay. How about this? What's worse?

Which one of these things is worse? The 14-block escort or the sleeping in your apartment? Escort. I think the sleeping in the apartment. Sleeping in the apartment is, like, genuinely dangerous. Oh, I think it meant, like, apartment. Sleeping in the apartment is genuinely dangerous. Oh, I think I meant worse. Well, that's what I mean. All things considered, if you had to pick which scenario, what's it going to be?

I mean, I've had a lot of strangers sleep in my apartment. Yeah? Obviously, this is a little bit weird. I mean, everybody's had strangers. You hook up with someone, you one-night scan them, and you murder them. They slept in my bed, but I've had many a dangerous person, a potentially dangerous person. Also, you'll hear a story in the Joe List interview about probably the worst one-night stand blackout hookup, non-hookup scenario ever. You can't beat that unless you murder someone.

You can't beat that. Yeah, I mean, you know that it is weird when you think about the when you think about the difference between how you socially treat people who you are trying to fuck and who you're not trying to fuck it's insane yeah imagine if i just said i'd walk i'd walk a hot legless homeless woman i was trying to fuck i'd walk her to fuck i'll pick her up put her on my back yeah I'll marry her. Come on, let's go. But like, imagine if you were just like, you know, if you're at a bar and some girl who like you weren't interested in was like, can I just like sleep in your bed tonight?

You'd be like, no. Get the fuck out of here. But a girl you're kind of interested in, you'd be like, yeah, let's fucking rock. Like the standards that drop when there's a chance that you might get to go inside somebody. And if you think about it, they're dropping their standards. They're like, I'll let that person get inside me. Yeah, yeah. But – and then you wake up in the morning.

Everyone you fuck is a risk. I'm just fucking a killer. I guess not everyone, but like everybody who's like a one-night stand. Yeah, yeah. Every person you just meet. But even everybody. That's all I – Pretty much everybody could kill you though.

Because like relationships, sometimes people just snap and kill you. Yeah. I was about to say, if you know someone for years, you know they're not going to kill you. No. Sometimes that's why they kill you. That's the person who's going to kill you. Yeah. You hear that story about...

Wait, we'll talk about them in a second. We're not done with this. I don't want to get off track here. I don't want to get off track here. Pavs is an anomaly because you're from New York, but he never left Long Island. So he's as new to Manhattan as people from Boston are. But it still is crazy that you will talk to and escort homeless people around town. Even just having some semblance of New York in you to be like, yeah, sure.

I mean, I guess it's not totally true. There was that time that one homeless guy scammed me out of a hundred bucks because I broke his glasses. But that was also because I was afraid of him. There was no reason to be afraid of this legless guy. You were just doing this out of you were doing that out of awkwardness. There was people around and they saw me ask. They saw him

ask me. So then I had to do it. Somebody saw me. I get it i get it you're right but like why because like you think that that those people are gonna go home and be like i saw this guy on the street so he didn't even escort a homeless man 14 blocks yeah dude i all i want is for everyone to not think i'm a bad person nothing i mean nothing i'm an asshole random strangers though i don't care I so got over that recently I mean I used to have that too

never to that extent but I would do the dumb thing like if I was walking the wrong way I'd pretend to take a phone call to walk the other direction because I don't want

strangers to know that maybe I was walking the wrong direction I don't think I do that one anymore I'm a fucking idiot turn around but the

but there are yeah I mean like something like that I would absolutely be with you I don't know if I'd go 14 blocks You might be dethroned He might be the king of like 14

Let me tell you a little something real quick As you told that story I was picturing you Just walking him across 7th Ave Back and forth And I was like yeah yeah, this makes sense. When he started saying another one, another one, what number did you say he was going to end at?

Because 14 was not even in my realm of possibilities. Six, maybe. Max. Maximum, like five. 14. 14. I mean, that's – I'd be tired after that And then he did shoot

And then he fucking said go away Like out of all the people he's ever Scammed to walk with You were by far the worst company This white boy sucks Were you talking to him? Basically just when we would go off of ramps He would rather say slow or fast on these

And whichever one I did he didn't like Come on, man! Wait, so he was yelling at you every block? This is like he's his surrogate or whatever. Like in Arrested Development, shoot me! Faster! Slower!

This is like the upside down or whatever, the right side? The upside. Upside with fucking Kevin Hart and a crippled Bryan Cranston. Except it's Babs with a homeless legless man. Just getting barked at. Come on. What, the longest guy in a wheelchair?

Come on. And then you got the fucking Peruvians in the apartment. Did you have a talk afterwards? Like, hey, Peruvians in the apartment. Did you have a talk afterwards? Like, hey, no more immigrants in the apartment? Yeah, I said never again. But in my head, I should have said, you go out there. Yes! I was like, this is going to be really funny.

When he's like, I can't show my face. What? You fucking brought them here. They're your friends, dude. Yeah. You're the one with the weird illegal friends. What the fuck is going on here? I'm about to call ICE on these people.

Ecstasy! Maybe that's what I would have kept them. These guys are a wild time. We used to have homeless people who slept on our door to get into our building. Like they would slump into it. And we would just open the door and they would slump into it. And we would just like open the door and they would slump in and we would step over them. I had a great blog about it, but the pictures

got deleted. This woman, remember the bitter beer face commercials? This woman had a face like that. It was like her face was turning inside out. Butthole face. Yeah, she was and she was so drunk and covered in piss and booze because there was a liquor store right next to us.

And they would just buy a fifth and just drink it and then pass out and piss themselves. And we would just, like, key in and step over them. And we'd be like, hey, landlord, like, there's maybe a dead body, like a super lifeless body outside the apartment. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Nobody ever did anything about it for, like, a month. Yeah, they're the piss pants homeless people down there. Now you're in New York. I had one in Boston when I lived on Hemingway over by Fenway.

And it was with me at Light Switch. And it was like I woke up to go to the office one morning. And it was almost like your apartment where it was actually the opposite. So the outside door remains unlocked and you get into a little vestibule of sorts or whatever you call it. And this is a pole building, not just an apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other one locks. I guess it's for like winter when you're freezing.

You get in there. And I fucking I walked out one morning and a dude homeless dude with his pants down was asleep and there was just shit pouring out of his ass. Like it wasn't in the act.

It was dried but it was like a volcanic cascaded down his butt. Just dry diarrhea. And when I tell you, that room might have been where my gag reflex was born and I've just never gotten the smell.

It's always stuck in the back of my room. The nose. It was a fucking nightmare, dude. It was a fucking nightmare. I ran out like there was a mouse in the room. It's like a hot box of shit. I'm just cooking, man. It was winter, so I guess it's better.

No, but yeah, maybe not hot, but it's just trapped in there. What's your worst apartment experience, Jackie? My worst apartment experience? Probably your roommates and Turkish people. Yeah, that probably. Would they have you be an illegal document forger for them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one time.

You know how to use computers make this um which by the way would absolutely work having now traveled outside the country yeah i had like there was when i lived in my senior house there was like this one homeless guy who'd come in and then he would be like he'd like would always come in when i was downstairs and i'm like the easy like so i like would never kick him out and he would just be like no i like have papers and i'm gonna live here now and i was like no no that's not like a thing he was no no but i have papers and he did have papers so i was like does this guy live here but then like i and then my friends were like no he doesn't live here now. But then like I, and then my friends were like, no, he doesn't live here.

Like kick him out. So then, but then like I, he does have pieces of paper in his hand. Did you read the papers? It was like, he doesn't have paper. No,

but they looked like kind of like, just like, he has an envelope of papers. But, but that was the only like experience. I live here now. Oh my God. I can't imagine.

I guess tweet at us your worst homeless incidents and your worst, like, what would you call that? Your most, like, walked on experience. No pun intended. A legless man. But I don't think we're going to touch anything close to I walked a homeless man 14 blocks.

I think what's pretty underrated here is Jackie being like, I think a homeless guy lives here. I didn't see Jackie just stretching his hand. I guess he does.

Come this way. Here, here. We got a new room. I think our landlord might have rented the couch to a homeless guy. And I have no recourse for this. Well, we had an extra room, so I was like, maybe.

I don't know. Unreal. Let's get into Am I the Asshole? I mean, I feel like we've already been doing it. You're all assholes. All right, we got Am I the Asshole coming up. We got our interview with Joe List and, of course, voicemails. But today's pod is brought to you by Game Time.

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We've got to put to bed the list talk. I went off on Deke Zucker. I had been DMing with Deke Zucker, and I spoke to him yesterday. I really did think. I knew the list of names was not some concrete smoking gun got you by the balls, but I knew it was probably pointing you in the direction of people who are snakes. And it was probably going to be more of a confirmation than anything of, like, people who I know are probably shady.

And I was like, yeah, look, I have, like, another piece of evidence that really is, like, letting me know that my guess was, like, accurate. I really thought he was going to end up giving the names. The way he was talking in the beginning, Deke, was like, I have consumed your guys' content more than anything. Like, you're our show. I was in the room when he said the names. The way he was talking in the beginning, Deke was like, I have consumed your guys' content more than anything. I was in the room when he said the call. As soon as we talked, it was different. But leading up to that, he was like, I am a KFC guy through and through. And I was like, this dude's going to give me these names.

Because why would you not? And then we spoke on Skype and I was like, oh boy. I literally heard a sentence and I walked out of the room. You started, it was like, what's up? And it's like, I'm bad. Just got back from a run. I was like, oh boy. I literally heard a sentence and I walked out of there. You started, it was like, what's up? And it's like, I'm bad, just got back from a run. I was like, alright, I'm out of here. That's okay. Yeah, well, I knew we were in trouble

when he wanted to have like a pre-interview. I don't do that for anybody. Let alone a fucking random internet guy, I don't know. But he was like, let's talk and then we can schedule like an interview. And we were saying the last episode, like, I want this list so bad. So I was like, all right, I'm going to go to some extra lengths. But then afterwards I went to bed.

Right, right, right, right. That is so true. That happened to me this morning. Like last night I was fucking fine. I wanted the list. When I realized I wasn't getting the list, I was surprised how I was living. I was very upset. I was seeing fucking red.

I was just like hate tweeting and watching the Mets and like going nuts. And I was like – and then I woke up in the morning and I was like, all right, this was foolish. I'm done here. But – It was – I did that where I was saying yesterday like there's – I couldn't tell you the last thing I cared about for 48 hours straight. And I didn't – this wasn't one because I went off Monday or Tuesday at the podcast. Yeah, we got closer than ever, but we don't get to 48. And then I went to sleep and I was like, all right.

And then last night I got high again when I was like, oh, I'm talking about legal ramifications. Like, shut the fuck up. There are no fucking legal ramifications. And then I got hot again for a little bit, and then I went to bed again. And I woke up this morning being like, I don't fucking care, whatever. Yeah. Well, then I switched. I had a new list in mind.

I was like, now I want the list of the people who told him not to release it. Because Deke was like, I talked to a bunch of people at Barstool, and you're the only one who wants it released. Which is not true. Because I know other people who have DMed him. Who said that they wanted it, right? I've seen the screenshots. Right. So I'm sitting here going, anybody who doesn't want this list out here doesn't want it out there for a reason, Deke.

You fucking idiot. Like, why would you care about the list coming out if you Don't care if you're not you know what I mean yeah like And so I went off on him being like You You just decide to pop back in Open up this can of worms That was such a fucking gay fucking

Thread single me out No I'm talking about when he first popped back in Like the first night like Like he even replied to me like I don't want to get In this shit like you fucking started this shit you fucking idiot That's what I'm talking about when he first popped back in. Oh, okay. Like, the first night. But he even replied to me with, like, I don't want to get in this shit. Like, you fucking started this shit, you fucking idiot. That's what I'm saying. You started this. You single me out, publicly do it, embarrass me.

Now I have a whole new host of people chirping me, being like, we told you everyone at your company hates you. So now I have to deal with that. Dangle this little thing of, like, a little bit of knowledge and a little bit of, like, closure that I can, you know, confirm what I know. And then just be like, nope, not doing it. It's like, and then all, and dude, if you heard, you would have smashed the computer. You would have smashed the computer. The way it was, like, I mean, I started, we were all, like, laughing. It was like, okay.

You would have thought we're talking about, like, nuclear launch codes. It was like, you know, we're talking about how he needs, like, you, I mean, I started, we were all like laughing. It was like, okay. You would have thought we're talking about like nuclear launch codes. It was like, you know, I was talking about how he needs like, like you, I mean, he is, he thinks he's like a savior who's like dying for our sins to save Barstool Sports. And I was like, you know what the best way to save Barstool Sports is? Tell me these fucking names. And then I was trying to wrap it up and it kept like going. Also, we're talking about Walt Disney in the 1950s. Remember that?

Remember we started talking about Walt Disney? And the only thing that sucks is, first of all, I do believe that there is a list. That is whatever. People are like, there's absolutely a list. We have more information than you do. There's a list. Right. And then, but like, I used to defend Deke all the time, because everyone here fucking hates him.

I used to defend Deke all the time, because I was like, no I used to defend Deke all the time because I was like, no, it's pretty interesting. I loved it. He actually provided a good service. I was like, oh, I see what people are saying. I don't know. It's kind of interesting. And then after this fucking scumbaggery and this fucking lame, lame fucking cop-out where it's just like, oh, it's legal ramifications. I don't want to get people fired.

Fuck off. They deserve to be fired. They're fucking scoundrels and then scoundrels and then they're fucking like i never meant to like yes you did you met that's you did you threw a firebomb i even told him i was like if you just tell me because i really don't have interest in firing people because that's a headache for me because if i'm the person then i have to deal with like hr and i have to deal with any potential fallout so i was like i'm not even like you're not gonna there will be no legal ramifications this is now devolved to like you singled me out and you and i deserve at the very least to know so like if you're as as much of a fan as as as me you claim you should know me or you're calling me a liar like either way, fuck off.

And he responded to the first one, being like, I'm sorry you feel this way. And then I went a couple more, and he just ran away and hid. Yeah, that's the worst part about the internet as a whole, is that in my anger, the only thing I could do was unfollow. I know.

I was like, you fucking... But that's actually... Isn't that what this is all about? It's like, when people fuck with you on the internet, you can... But that's actually... Isn't that what this is all about? It's like when people fuck with you on the internet, you can't do anything about it. All you can do is like... And that's why it fucking sucks. But to like drop this bomb

and then just be like... Oh, my little fucking boy. Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up, you fucking loser. The absolute worst. And I usually don't like to be mean to people who are like fans. I don't like turning away fans. But that's a fucking loser move.

The whole thing from the start to the finish, fucking loser move. And to single me out, to single Smitty out. It's just like that's now worse for us and for a guy who claims to want to help Barstool. Which is like you can't help Barstool. You can't help Barstool. And you definitely can't help Barstool by letting this go unchecked. Nothing's going to change. Shut the fuck up, dude.

Yeah, that was crazy. That was absolutely nuts. So there is a list it's not like what it's not a you know a direct ip address that we can track back that so it's not anything that really would be i don't think people could get fired over it anyway there certainly wouldn't be legal ramifications um but you know fuck you fuck deke and anybody standing in the way of trying to get the, the, the names of the people who are, are, I really,

I thought I was taking crazy pills. We said it on the first podcast, the people who are interested in the, the love triangle more so than the idea that there are people like intentionally trying to ruin careers. Like I can't ruin the company. I couldn't believe it. You're ruining the company.

You're making the company not do well. People were like, give it up. Nobody cares, dude. And I was like, since when would we not care at Barstool Sports? The whole thing we're talking about right now is loyalty. And who's a rat? And who's a snake? And who's a loyal guy?

And who's a good friend? And who's a good coworker? And we have this whole other piece of like actual tangible i'm ruining people professionally and all of a sudden we don't care about that what are you fucking talking about and also it's like i i bet i would bet the people who say that are also miss the old barcelo people which is you know we had a fucking summer long saga about six comments oh yeah i was gonna say the people who are like, this is, you know, like, what has Barstool become? This is the most Barstool that's ever happened.

This is so Barstool. So it's been a wild week and one that like. I was surprised to see Dave. I think Dave was pretty quiet on the list. That's what I was like. I am taking crazy pills. Dave Portnoy doesn't want to know who's bashing people anonymously in the comments behind their backs.

What? Deke singled him out and was like, Dave gets shit talked about him. Dave's not interested in finding that out? What is going on? What is happening? It was... That blew my mind. The amount of people that were just like, I don't understand why you're fixated on this. I'm like, I can

understand why you're not. You don't understand why you're fixated on this. I'm like, I can understand why you're not. Like, you don't work here. Yeah, yeah. But even then, I would be scared. Dude, like, someone on the Bruins was fucking, had a burner and was shit-talking all the players on the Bruins. It'd be a big deal. Who the fuck is it? Who's the fucking rat?

You're having a meltdown over the fact that people were hooking up but have zero interest in this over. It just does not make sense. And then people were like, you just want to know because you were singled out. Hey, yeah! Fucking yeah! No goddamn kidding! It was disappointing to say the least.

So, am I the asshole for fucking, you know, ruining someone's life and trying to, or dropping a bomb on somebody's fucking career and then being like, oh, never mind, I'm not going to talk. Yeah, yeah, you are. Before we get into the rest of our Am I the Assholes, we do have an announcement for our Philly show, which is next Thursday, a week from today

as you're listening, the 19th, at the Fillmore in Philadelphia. Tickets are on sale now. You can go to our social media, any of our accounts, you'll see the link to buy tickets. We're trying to pump social media, any of our accounts. You'll see the link to buy tickets. We're trying to pump that up and make sure. I'm still disappointed in you, Philly.

We're trying to sell these tickets out. But we'll have Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor, who are two Philly guys through and through. You know them from Stuff Island, and they roll in the Shane Gillis crew. So those are OG Philly guys. So if you want to see some of the local comics, they'll be there as well. But the big announcement is our boy Johnny over here making his debut. Making my debut? Well, you're making your debut as a fucking official.

I think you're like a SAG actor now in my mind. It's the world premiere, dog. It is the day before the Philly show. The Philly show is the 19th 19th so the day before the philly show may 18th the world premiere of oar's new music video of which i am the star the star i don't have a lead man i don't have a cameo in it the dude shot for two straight days 20 hour days i am the star of this music video. I... It's actually funny because I don't know...

I used to think of people on the red carpet and they're like, I haven't seen the movie. I don't know what it's like. But what are you talking about? You acted in it. I have no idea this video is going to be good. I know there are a lot of times where I'm wearing a lot of makeup. A lot of makeup. I know there's a lot of fucking dancing and shit. I know a lot of fucking Sour Patch Kids are in it. I know there's a lot of

fucking peanut butter cups in it. a lot of candy in it. This video was, not only am I a star of it, it was like written about me. There's going to be so many people who are like, this is such an interesting artistic take. What was your inspiration? This guy who drinks spoiled milk. That would be great if there was a scene of you looking and you're like. There's a scene of me. There's a lot of scenes of me doing some wild stuff.

There's all kinds of trippy shit. I fucking. So one of the funny stories I'll tell from the set is that. Actually, there were two. There was. All this is like get tickets to Philly because Mark Roberge of OAR will be coming and performing at the show. He'll be performing. First time performing this song.

We'll have the music video playing in the background. That's awesome. It is going to be. A little live performance of OAR with the music video. It's KFC Radio X Stuff Island X OAR at the Fillmore. Hell yeah. Get your fucking tickets. Buy the fucking tickets, Philly.

I'm surprised because we put it on sale and I thought it was going to be like Boston. I thought it was going to be like we're talking about adding a second show. And I don't know where the Philly stoolies have been, the Philly chicken heads who are all for years being like, bring KFC Radio to Philly. Bring KFC Radio to Philly. It's here now. So put your money where your mouth is and buy your tickets. People who are like, it's a Thursday night.

What do you mean it's a Thursday night? It's the best night to go out. Thursday night's actually the best night, in my mind, for comedy where it's like, you're going to go out, but you're not going to go too hard.

You've got to go to work in the morning, go see an hour-long show. Perfect. So get your tickets to the Fillmore. You're going to get your money's worth. You're getting two podcasts, basically, two comics,

four podcasts altogether, a live fucking rock performance, and a music video premiere. Buy your fucking tickets. It's going to be a hell of a night but are you nervous am i nervous about that night yeah because like you can't like are you gonna watch you just sit there and watch yourself yeah oh because it's so goofy that i don't like dude like i'm like so the the song itself is is about positivity and things like that so mark thought it would be funny to have me do it yeah

yeah that's right it's funny like like i said the people who watch it and don't know will be like this is interesting people know we're gonna be like oh i'm the happy guy spreading cheer yeah everywhere yeah and uh and so the um it was weird like wait like i didn't think about it at all people like you're nervous about like about like acting yeah and like not until i was in the shower the first morning when i was like i oh, I might ruin my favorite rock and roll band's music video by sucking, sucking at it. I said this. You're better at that than you realize. When you did Making a Gambler, you can act in like small doses, you know, like a little

sitcom, like 20 minute, you know, I don't know if you could do like a movie, but like small scenes that are written funny. You're good at that. Well, this is like, this is, there are scenes that are very flamboyant. There's like – which I can cross. You know that. John was like, I think I can do this. I haven't been practicing things like this in front of my mirror for years.

Full makeup getting bukkake-ed with glitter. Dude, I walked out and Nick – because Nick – by the way, there will be a whole behind the scenes of that music video. Nick, because Nick was there filming the whole time. And we walked out once, and I was like in a robe with lipstick on, smoking a cigarette. And he's like, how'd that go? And I was like, I think people are going to watch it. Why doesn't this come out? Fabulous.

You were also sitting on a swing at this point Oh I've seen that clip You just go back and forth You got a woman's robe on You're smoking a cigarette It looks like one of those old cigarettes they smoke with a holder You have your makeup on I almost expect you to have that fake half English accent

You know what I mean Where everyone from that era did Did fights just come out It was interesting doing the video as a whole half English accent you know what I mean where everyone from that era did did fights just come out hilarious but the it was interesting doing the video as a whole

because it is like it was structured like Union Break like lunch break yeah sure but also like it's so fluid

like it's all it's like it's like filming a Barstool video except they let you eat lunch yeah yeah yeah because like we'd be like

alright so here's the like here's the scene, you're going to be here, he's going to be there, and I'm like, okay, what do I do? You're the actor, you do it. And I was like, oh, alright. Everything was kind of improv-ing, which is why they're...

I bet you they loved that. I think so. It was very collaborative. I bet you a lot of people can't do that. It was kind of cool. Everyone was like, well, I got this idea for this. People need to be told what to do a lot of times, like actors, I bet. So the fact that you were just like, yeah, I'll do that. They're probably like, oh, this is awesome. I bet you by a couple hours in, they were like, oh, let's make him do some crazy shit.

He's not going to say no. He'll walk a homeless man 14 blocks. There's a good portion of this music video, I'm shirtless. No one had fucking told me, bro, that I was going to be shirtless in the music video. Good for you, dude, so I would have fucking, I don't know, done a couple more crunches before. On the last day, like, you were just in your underwear for, I don't know,

four hours? Yeah, but deep down you were loving it. Just running around, bro. And here's what I said, though, because they told me to bring a bunch of different kinds of underwear. So I brought, like, five pairs of underwear. Four, I was like, I don't know, they were like, bring some extravagant, whatever. I was like, I'm not bringing fucking, I'm just bringing my good dick ones. Yeah.

So I brought four pairs of good dick ones, and I was like, I'm not bringing this pair too. They make you wear that one? Guess what pair they fucking chose. Wait, that wasn't even regular dick boxes. That was, I brought a bad dick. That's on you. It was on me. That's on you.

You should have brought Your smalls Those are gone I've lost those Yeah they'll turn up Like the hat But there were Two separate incidents While filming

There was one One This It was this I mean We were deep In the heart of Brooklyn Like

In one of the scenes One of of the women yelled at me, this is because I'm so happy and whatever. She yells, this is why we don't like white people in Brooklyn. Not in the, like, outside. Huh? That's not part of the movie. She was acting in it. That would be, you wouldn't be able to hear her, but she'll be yelling at me.

Got it, that's awesome. Good for them. I like that. Dude, and then we're filming outside this bodega, and this dude comes up, and he's just angry. Just walking like he was angry. And he's like, get enough with the fucking cameras around here. And I was in the bodega waiting to be told action. And I hear a little buzz of a bus. He a little boss it's just been days of this shit and he comes in like and I was like oh god

oh my god so I hear action after that yeah and and I come out and I do my whole flamboyant thing and I'm just and I'm just dancing I. He's like fucking. And he comes out. And he just goes across the street and watches us for the next 20 minutes. And I was like, guys, I got to be honest. He's going to fucking kill us. It's really hard to act happy right now. If we could do a scene where the fear of God is in me, I would nail it. If you guys want to, I don't know, if we want to maybe take a break or like, I don't know, just get the fuck out of here because I do not feel comfortable being overly flamboyant and excited white guy right now.

Yeah, I mean, you've got to fucking target on your face for that. That is not what I want to do. But then the second one was probably my favorite thing that happened on the set. So we're in this bodega. We can only film after hours, right? So it's like 11 p.m. because we're deep in the heart of Brooklyn. It's not a 24-hour bodega. We can only film after hours, right? So it's like 11 p.m. Because we're deep in the heart of Brooklyn. It's not a 24-hour bodega.

Right, right, right. Actually, it might even be 10 o'clock. It might even be 11 o'clock by the time this happened. But I guess the guy who owns the bodega has his buddies come over when he's closing up and they drink.

And one of the guys, I don't know, I guess he showed up at lunchtime. Hammered drunk. And so in one of the scenes, I'm like dancing down an aisle, and I'm like scooping ice cream into my hands, I'm like getting candy,

and I'm doing all like, you know, just Johnny shit. Doing Final Burst shit. That ain't acting. And I'm like dancing down the aisle, and I like spin into it. All kind of shit. And he's in the back of the bodega, like right behind the aisle, right out of view of, so there he's in the back of the bodega right behind the aisle

right out of view of... So there's like two aisles in the bodega and he's standing he kind of opened up backwards like one thing. So he's kind of

standing there and he's leaning against the wall and he's got his finger in a Modelo. And he's kind of just like

he's definitely hammered his guy's eyes half open and so I come in I do the first take and as I'm waiting for action I'm kind of just like he's definitely hammered he's got his eyes half open and so I come in I do the first take and like as I'm waiting for action like I'm kind of

behind the aisle and I'm waiting for action and he just goes hey man and I was like what's up bro and he's like how you doing

and I was like I'm good and he's like nice and so I fucking and I spin into the aisle and he goes whoa

and I start dancing down and I'm getting all the aisle and he goes, whoa! And I start dancing down. I'm getting all the candy and all this stuff. And then they're like, all right, that was great. Let's do another take. And so I put all the candy back. I put the ice cream back. I get back in the aisle.

And he's like, hey, man, you okay? Right? So I spin back into the island. Oh! I got all the candy. Let's do another take. Better one. Put it all back.

Come back. What's going on, man? You okay, man? He's like, how fucked up am I what I do I think we did like five total times he must have been

fucking and he was like he just kept going hey man you okay and then at the end he finally like kind of like

falls to see what I'm doing he sees the cameras and stuff he goes it's a video and then he starts then he's like they were like the biggest celebrities the cameras and stuff. He goes, it's a video! And then he starts,

then he's like, and they were like the biggest celebrities and he's filming it. Oh, I'm sure. Can you get a shot? Like, hang on. Dude, he must have been so confused,

but all his brain could muster up was, you okay? Hey, man. You okay? You okay? It was awesome. May 18th,

it all comes out. It'll be very fun. May 19th, you get to see it fucking live. May 19th It all comes out It'll be very fun May 19th You get to see it Fucking live May 19th It'll be the Inaugural live performance

Mark might be bringing Other special guests We don't know Let's go But it's going to be a This is going to be Our best show ever So buy tickets

To the Fillmore in Philly If Nashville's any indication To Nashville We were just doing whatever Nashville was We had people on stage You know Guest surprises People were taking Their feet out backstage It was It was a wild one we were just doing whatever. Nashville was. We had people on stage, you know, guest surprises.

People were taking their feet out backstage. It was a wild one. Okay. Am I the Asshole? Brought to you by 3Chi. You're an asshole

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I am the asshole. Let me ask you this. Am I the asshole for returning my car and going out to get a car on the same day in the middle of this goddamn supply chain fiasco? Yes, I am. I thought it was going to be an issue, but I also thought, like, I'm not a picky car guy, so I was going to be like, you know, I don't need the one with all the bells and whistles. I'll just take the one on the lot. They had, like, nothing for, like,

so long. You were going to fucking, you're like, I'm not a picky guy about my car? Like, I'm not a picky guy. And I guess, like, actually, when you're You're the same way dude If someone was like

Well you know We'll get you the moon roof But you gotta wait two weeks You'd be like I don't fucking care about that Dude My dad Just bought a new car

Took him for a test drive And everything Didn't realize He was on the ride home Didn't have a sunroof And he's just like Whatever Yeah see

I wouldn't care about that Those are things I don't even That doesn't I just need to get From point A to point B I'm so not a I'd be a little more and he's just like, whatever. Yeah, see, I wouldn't care about that. Those are things I don't even... I just need to get from point A to point B. I'm so not a... I'd be a little more choosy about what kind of car I get. But I guess, like, I don't know.

I like a sunroof. Were you mandatory for you? I'd be pretty close to mandatory. That'd probably be one of the only things, like that and air conditioning. I like heated seats in the winter. Don't like heated seats. I like cold seats. i like i like air conditioned seats is pretty cool yeah uh but again it wouldn't be your balls yo shit's crazy man i was looking at fucking like i went to like the kia dealership because it was just like first on the there's a strip

by me like their suv is like a thousand dollars a month right now it's like a fuck out of here i don't even know what what's a lot for a car. Like, I mean, everything has shifted now because of inflation and the supply chain, but like,

you know, my Hyundai that I just put in was $279. A month? Yeah. Oh, okay. Which was, that was on the cheap side.

Like, I got it. I haggled a good deal on that one. But like, $1,000 a month, when I was, at least when we were growing up, I feel like you could get like

fucking Benz's for $1,000 a month for for a fucking kia like get the shit out of here but everything is uh crazy and i'm an asshole for that but i did uh i also was just like i'm just gonna get a car and just be normal about it and then after like one try i was like i tweeted it out right away i was like someone get me a car so i got in contact with a guy who's a stoolie who uh but again like just missed it. He was like, shit is too crazy right now. He's worked with like athletes and entertainers and stuff where he was like, we would just give you a car. I was like, fuck.

Really? He was like, we just can't do that right now. At least for like shorter leases. There was like music acts that he was like, we gave that guy a car for two years. We gave this baseball player a car for the season, like just like whatever as long as we get some promotion back so i'm gonna go i'm gonna go there afterwards and hopefully uh it's a ford okay for dealership yeah yeah it's not it's not like too bad um but uh you know i hope i just got like a discount instead but i was like i should have just been doing this ahead of time but i was like i don't i don't want everything to be a fucking ad deal or i'm just gonna buy a fucking

car you know i'm going to lease a car. But I'm an asshole for waiting this long for sure. I would definitely. Not only would I walk in like a regular person, I would absolutely pay sticker price. Yeah. I'd be like, David, do you want a haggle? Nope. I'm all good, man.

Get the fuck out of here. And I know they, like Carvana and shit is like a thing now. How long does haggling cost? Yeah, that's what I mean. What's the worst? How much is the dollar amount worth for you? What does a typical haggle get you, right? Get off.

Does anyone know the answer to that? I've only leased cars, so I really don't know. I would say that I've like, I haggled down like $75 a month, $50 a month. It's like, what am I really doing? Yeah. That's like – I get a little aggressive on DoorDash one night. It's $50. You know what I mean?

It's like, come on. It's always $50. I'm always aggressive on DoorDash. Yeah, right. Sometimes that happens to me. Yeah, right, dude. I get – do you ever get – Dude, I've actually been recently like hitting like $70 an order.

Do you ever feel bad about ordering like just one thing so you just order more yeah right yeah like I want like one pint of ice cream and I'm like but that's kind of silly that he has to go and just get one ice cream but he doesn't give a fuck it's actually less room to carry but I'm like I get three yeah why why did I do that so uh let's get into the Am I the Asshole? Am I the Asshole for showing my husband proof that his mom offered to bring him steak dish to the hospital? First of all, it sounds like

Charlie Kelly wrote this. Second of all, I'm sure it's just a steak dish, but still. My husband was in a car accident last week. He was staying at the hospital for his broken leg. Only me his mom were there his mom and i don't get along at all he tells me i'm overreacting or paranoid whenever i point out how she's mistreating me he complained about hospital food saying it has no taste and asked me to bring his favorite meal which is steak dish the kicker it's spelled witch with an apostrophe

S, which is steak, S-T-A-C-K. Which is steak dish. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, I got it. Which is steak dish and bring it to him to the hospital. Noting that steak isn't cheap where we live and I didn't have enough time to prepare it.

I told him I will see what I can do. I'll see what I can do. Then his mom said if I am truly a supportive wife, I would make it happen. Once we went outside his room, his mom's tone changed. She suddenly seemed nice and said that I should see that she could see how exhausted I was and that I should

go home and not worry about the steak dish because she would make it for him. I asked if she was 100% sure. She said absolutely. The next visit I show up and my husband asked why I didn't bring the steak dish. I saw his mom there. This is hard to read because it's very bad English. I saw his mom there. I told his mom, offered to make it for him instead, and I told, and told me not to worry

about it. He didn't believe me and was like, mom said that? I'm not buying it. Mom, did you really say that? Her reaction shocked me. She acted confused and said that I am his wife and she didn't know

why I'd expect to perform the wife duties for me. I was confused and didn't know what to do. My husband seemed upset the entire visit and I waited till his mom left. I swore to him

that his mom said she'd take care of it but he didn't believe me. I pulled out my phone. I called his mom left. I swore to him that his mom said she'd take care of it, but he didn't believe me. I pulled out my phone. I called his mom. I put her on speaker so she could hear the conversation. I said, didn't you say you'd make, finally, the steak dish. He finally got it right.

The steak dish, and that I didn't have to worry about it. She replied, I did, but I obviously wasn't actually going to do it. I was just trying to help my son see how his wife is during the rough times, and you took the bait. My husband raised his eyebrows. He got pissed. He called her later and picked a fight and then said no more visiting.

She lost it, called me petty and manipulative and blasted me on Facebook, saying I stopped her from seeing her son only because I couldn't get her to do the things for me, like cooking for my own husband. Now his family are criticizing me for this. I mean,

this is maybe one of the more like actual issue. Yeah. I don't know the assholes we've ever had. You're obviously not the asshole. The top comment. You're the asshole. You put someone on speakerphone without their knowledge or consent. You not the asshole. Bro, top comment. You're the asshole. You put someone on speakerphone without their knowledge or consent. You're the asshole.

Oh, fuck off, dude. You're the asshole. The guy is in the hospital, and you're picking fights with his mother-in-law. What are you talking about? What? Like, totally fucking nuts. They think she's the asshole?

It's only a couple, but they're the top. I'm in absolute shock at the idea that people are allowed to bring in food For a patient We're missing the point here folks I mean this is nuts This is crazy This is some like deeply

Manipulative on purpose Sabotage shit You took the bait Now do we think that she just got Cornered Realized she didn't make steak dish Or do you think that She just got cornered Realized she didn't make steak dish Or do you think that That actually was the plan the whole time

Or do you think she was just scrambling That would be crazy I think if someone called you You wouldn't be like I fucked up You wouldn't make up a lie to make it more nefarious Yeah Unless you're hell bent on

Unless you think that your your your husband your your son is gonna like this is a mother-in-law who hates this girl and maybe is trying to turn her son against her and maybe is coming up with that kind of shit to be like look see like she can't even help you during the rough time she's gonna rely on someone else i told you so but like i i this is honestly one of the more fucked up ones. Yeah. This is like I'm intentionally ruining my son's life because I don't like his girlfriend or wife. But the way it reads is that the husband is mad at the mom, right?

Yeah. His eyebrows went up. Like, what the fuck is that? They call her later and ban her from visiting. Right. He's definitely mad at her because she's a fucking psychopath. Absolute fucking lunatic. Dude, I don't fucking understand this shit. Because they will get over this.

That shit to me is crazy. When someone does something this psychotic, you're out. She in the comments said they redeem. They kind of get over it. What are you talking about? You're out of my life.

I think I said it just like of my life. I don't care if you're my mom. You're out of my life. I think I said it just like last episode maybe. I've been really like the – I think I said this, right? The tolerance that we have for like relationships. I was maybe on the rundown. I think it was even before all this other relationship shit. I was saying like when you have a fight with a friend or a coworker on the level of these things,

you're like done. Yeah. And you might be cordial, but you're like, I will never trust you or be, you know. I don't want to be cordial. You're out of my life. But in relationships, we just torture ourselves. And there's got to be some level of like,

you're going to have little petty fights and you can't blow up relationships. But this is not petty. It's not petty. And I've also come around on the idea of like relationships or work. Like not in the sense of what people relationships or work. Not in the sense of what people take it to. Not in the sense of like, I gotta fucking...

They abuse me and I gotta just put my head down and deal with it because relationships are work. Relationships are work in the sense of sometimes you fight about dinner or little things. Not sabotage people over dinner and try to ruin relations. You know what I mean? People just give this... Nobody said it would be easy.

Nobody said it would also be fucking psychotic. You know, just break, like, who was our guy from Scotland? The Scottish comic who he says he's responsible for over like 385 divorces. Oh, oh. Because he was like, Daniel Sloss. Love that guy. And he, like, we all should follow his mantra of like,5 divorces. Oh, oh. Because he was like, Daniel Sloss. Love that guy. And he, like, we all should follow his mantra

of like, just break up. Like, there's so many people who should get a divorce or should break up and they don't because of kids or because of fucking paperwork. Jackie, you know,

paperwork is the fucking, paperwork is the end all be all. Like, you should just be like, or cut your mother out. Whoever needs, whatever needs to happen here. That girl should be like, I'm out of this family. Or that mother should be like, or the husband should be like, I'm not talking to my mom anymore.

I mean, I guess it's hard when it's your mom. I don't know, dude. I thought you were always in my corner. I thought you were my best interest at all. Not that you want me to be happy. I don't know. You're clearly not. You're clearly a psycho.

Right. I don't really care if you're my mom. You're a psycho. I would say even at the very least, while this woman does not deserve it, I think I'd be like, this all has to end. Like, this is jacked up. It's jacked up. Yeah. So, like, I'm keeping my mom out of my life.

But also, every time I'm with you, I'm going to be thinking about how I don't have my mom anymore. And, like, it's just done. It's just done it's just done there are certain things you can't get over it and steak dish apparently is it steak dish is it

that's the fucking final the final straw man I mean but boy for anybody to say that she's the asshole and then she even said I might be the asshole for not leaving it alone

and stirring up trouble and getting him into a fight with his mom and causing the family to come and be like no you're not you were fucking vindicating yourself in a moment where you were being called out if she never said anything and you were like let me get her then like yeah that's you taking the extra step you

didn't take the extra step she did and you're just proving your your innocence right everybody has the right to prove like their innocence the uh the reddit is much more reasonable shocking everyone's like you're not the asshole, not the asshole, not the asshole. I guess it's an interesting time to make the announcement. But another announcement on the podcast today. This Sunday. Oh, that's right. Well, this Sunday is the interviewing.

This Sunday is the interview. Of Polly Feidelberg. Polly Feidelberg is coming on the podcast Sunday morning. I don't know what. When are we going to release it? I mean, we release it. We got to hold it hostage for more subscribers, right? I mean, no.

It was the $100 problem. I know. But now we got to get $150. It is. The interview goes down on Sunday. So I guess tweet us any stories you want to talk about. Questions, stories. I've definitely been writing a couple down. I wrote down

my Minnesota Twins baseball coach. She can explain herself on that one. Yeah. Polly's got some explaining to do. I also wrote down the fact that they used to take me to dentists and just get my teeth ripped out of my head. Amazing.

It is going to be fun. She is – she's like – so I was – she was bringing me to the train station. I was home last weekend or two weekends ago. And she was bringing me to the train station afterwards. And we had decided to plan that – when I asked her, I was like, you don't have to come down for the interview. But next time you come down, like, let's do the interview. And so my parents are coming down this weekend and um and the uh i was like so you're gonna do the podcast this weekend she goes ah fuck i'm gonna see what my mom thinks like my mom would probably

say no but then if i tell her that your mom did it and that she's not gonna be on camera she might do it she also got a little bit fucking like one time i called her during the mets podcast i think and she was a little like she always threatens to call in wfan she's i'm gonna call him and tell him what i think so i think she's got a little bit of the itch yeah her voice out there uh so that that will be we should have put her up in Philly Then we'd sell tickets Okay one more am I the asshole And then we'll do voicemails Am I the asshole for telling my neighbor Am I the asshole for telling my neighbor

To get over it when I wake up her baby I think we're going to be divided on this one Feidelberg My garage is about three meters Away from my neighbor's bedroom. Meters spelled R-E-S and neighbor spelled with O-U-R. So fuck these foreign people.

Everyone from the UK apparently very concerned about whether they're asking for money. Everyone in America is like, I'm an asshole. Or I'm not an asshole and I don't need to find out from the internet if I am or not.

Three meters away from my neighbor's bedroom where the baby sleeps. I've got a roller door which beeps quietly four times within 20 seconds of me arriving home and pushing the button. It's so quiet that at times I can't hear it when sitting in the room adjacent to the garage when my partner comes home. Since my neighbor had the baby,

I've made an effort to be more considerable of noise. Despite already soundproofing my rumpus room, I've stopped playing my drums after 6 p.m. I've also declined hosting friends outside of my backyard due to noise. I think I've been more considerate, but apparently not. I got home from work at 11 p.m. and put my car in the driveway. A couple weeks ago, my neighbor approached me and asked if I could wait until the morning to put my car

away, but I declined as there's been break-ins to our cars on our street lately. I don't think so. I doubt that. My car is also one that is targeted by thieves a lot as parts are expensive and it's an enthusiast car. I apologize with an S,

but was firm when telling her that I will not, under any circumstances, leave my car out on the street overnight. I also know that they sleep with their window open that faces my garage, but I thought it would be weird to bring up and suggest they close the window. I'm also confused as I have an aftermarket exhaust on the car, which is louder than the original, but they have nothing to say about it. A couple nights ago, I come home to her husband's car blocking my driveway just enough that I couldn't get my car through. What a move.

Oh, man. It was kind of useless because I pushed the button even before I reached my driveway, so it beeped anyway. They didn't come out, so I had the car towed, and they haven't done it since.

Today, I decided to play my drums around lunchtime in my soundproof rumpus room. You can only hear minimal vibration from the kick from the outside, but it's the rear of the property and quite far away from the neighbors, but they still had something

to say. The wife came over and basically said she had put up with my noise for long enough that she was exhausted. The kid never sleeping. I was definitely miffed about the driveway blocking situation from the other night. Snapped a little, telling her that I'd been considerate enough while making concessions in terms of noise. I said that while it's within my right to play music up to 10 p.m., I've cut myself off at 6 p.m. I said that now on, she'll have to get over it because I was done catering to her and her family.

Bro. I mean, I don't have a strong take on it because i do see i do see both sides of this but like i feel like i mean like like dude the whole apartment complex didn't have a baby you did bro you're gonna be surprised i'm totally uh i don't get me wrong i think this guy's an asshole because he has a rumpus room yeah yeah because he's a car enthusiast with an aftermarket muffler because he plays drums at 12 noon on a fucking... Where are you, dude? What is your life?

But, you know, don't live in an apartment complex. You want to be alone and have a quiet for your baby? You have to own a house. Yeah. You can't be... None of that is over the top. I have a car that I put in my garage. That's pretty standard.

Dude, to ask... Drums is annoying, but like... Can you just not put your car in the garage? Yeah. It's crazy. No, that's what I do. That's where I put a car that I put in my garage That's pretty standard Dude to ask Drums is annoying But like In the garage Yeah It's crazy No that's what I do That's where I put the car

I think he's probably like Thinks that his car Is gonna be fucking robbed Cause he has like the best Jaguar on the block Oh he's an asshole But for different reasons Right

For sure Right The fucking The playing the drums The drums like I do think If you're cutting yourself With a six

Like yeah play your drums I'd be I would be infuriated at any time. Drums is the worst. With a baby or not. Drums should almost be like, hey, bro. That's almost like having a baby. Like, you want to play the drums?

Hey, bro, the entire apartment complex doesn't like the drums. Right. Like, you got to have it. Like, you got to get a house, too. So everyone's kind of the asshole here. But I do think, you know, when you have, like, babies have weird demands. You can't be quiet 24-7. You can't be expected to... If the baby

wakes up at 2 a.m. crying, can you be like, hey, can you shut the fucking baby up? Right. That's not going to apply. You have to just deal with it. Yeah. No. But this guy's definitely just a dickhead. You're not the asshole. You're a dickhead. Am I the dickhead is the new term.

All right, voicemail time. All right, we're going to get to our voicemails, but first a very special appearance from one of the original KFC radio bullpen guys. When we first started to like, oh, I can't make it today, Clem would always be a call-in. Also, I got to give a shout-out to the Podfathers. Their show came to an end with all the realigning that Barstool did the other day. It was one of the smaller niche shows.

A bunch of shows got cut that really were just not performing enough. Podfathers was not really one of those ones that wasn't like – it was performing exactly the way it should have. It's a niche show for parents, but that's just not a huge cash cow. But I think it was a real good success in terms of it did exactly what it was supposed to do. And it was a small audience, but the people reacting today being heartbroken over the end of it. Because when you are a parent and you do want – I mean when I started, I set out to be like let's make a show that is the true honest take about having kids and i still think unless i i haven't seen anything else otherwise that has done that so um and i i i did in the beginning i loved it i had to stop once my marriage blew up

because i didn't want to put every single comment was going to be why are we going to listen to you about parenting when you cheated on your wife so i didn't want to put that on those guys but they picked up the slack and did a great job. Large stepping in, and Annie and Clem's wife did a great job too. So if you are a new parent, though, you can still listen to the original episodes where it's like, those are evergreen. But Clem's coming in for a perfect KFC radio debate.

He stirred it up. He wrote this in 2018. He reposted it today, or this week, for the Kentucky Derby. And so the big fella, Clem, on KFC radio for the first time in probably five years, six years, seven years. I would say seven. I think the last time Clem was on, I can almost remember. I feel like he was on like something It was like Google Hangout and Skype Days. Maybe the Brady 4 when Brady was found innocent the first time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I started screaming. I was in the basement of my old home. He was on that one? I think he was. Yeah, he's the best. Clem on KFC Radio. This was such a perfect KFC Radio slash answer to the internet type topic.

This is an OG, not OG, but this is a couple of years old now. Five years ago, Clem had a blog. I was going to say, I think even today I've noticed we're throwing around an OG fast and loose. Yeah. Yeah. That's, there's a lot of like.

OG's got to be prior to churning, right? Yeah. Because I was, I was about to call Rhea an OG. I think I maybe even did. And I was like, technically not. She's an OG for girls. She was like the first girl, really.

Yeah. Except for fucking Jenna. But yeah, you know, you gotta be Milton tough. But yeah, but when I realized that 25 years ago

is 1997, that blew my brain. We were talking about the Mets. When I say 25 years ago, I think that means like the 80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost 2000. I forget what it is,

but it's like we're as far from the 90s as we were from the 60s right it's just math but it blows my mind but this was five years ago now uh clem had a blog from a reader submission that then he republished for kentucky derby uh for derby day what which is likely, a human to win the horse triple crown, winning all three of the big races, the Kentucky Derby, the Belmont, and the Preakness, or a horse to win the human baseball triple crown, which is lead the league in RBIs, average, and home runs? Patently ridiculous.

I think it's a no brainer we've already done it it's a horse to win the human triple crown no bro it's a no brainer there's a chance

that like one day a human is just a freak who can run 30 miles an hour a horse doesn't have opposable thumbs yeah you put it in it's mouth

you idiot. You think a horse can lead the league in home runs with a bat in his mouth? I think, Kevin, if you watch highlights from the late 90s and early 2000s, those were horses in baseball uniforms. And guess what? Albert Bell was coming up with a late one. You would have an easier fucking time putting pants on Rich Strike than Mark McGuire had put on his baseball pants when he was at the Oakland A's.

It was like a whole fucking process to squeeze him on. Him and Canseco just go for the buttons and it just rips right down the back like the Hulk and David Banner. Oh, man. No, but winning the Triple Crown would just be running the fastest in a circle. I think there could be a day where a human's faster than a horse. He better be faster than all the horses because if he goes near one, he's getting fucking like a flea.

That is true. You've got to almost run on the outside and just be faster than everybody because if you're in the mud in the mix with them, you're getting trampled. You're dead. Yeah, I mean, you could realistically if like a human – it's a human that has a better chance to win the horse one, obviously. Because like it's exceptionally – not impossible. I can't think of the word that's a little less than impossible. Improbable?

Improbable. There it is. But how many horses are in the race? 20? Let's say, yeah. Well, all 20 of them Could fall and break their leg That has a higher That has a higher probability

Than you Regularly You know 60 times Connecting on a fastball While also Running the bases Well running the bases

Would be You know That's where it comes in If there was a triple crown Of runs scored It'd be a different story Well listen The main reason That it's improbable is because the horse simply can't control who's on base in front of him. We've gone through this before.

RBIs are a subjective stat where it's like, well, nobody was on base. It's not up to me. This poor horse, is the horse on a good team? Is the horse on a team with a lot of guys that set the fucking table for him to drive him in? Or is he coming up to the plate with nobody on base? The work and see RBI as we call it. Exactly. They've basically made it

one step above batting average. Yeah, it's almost like bad. They made it so it's bad to have RBIs. They're like, ugh, you drove in runs? You're terrible. Now, if that horse, though, if he just makes a little contact and just puts the ball in play and then starts running, right? Oh, inside the park home runs, you mean? Yes. Because you're causing chaos.

Yeah. Like you're trying to field the ball and the horse... I mean, you saw what fucking Britt Strike did. He was just eating motherfuckers. That's what I used to do. I used to... Well, I didn't bite him. Oh, he's such a grimy motherfucker. On a diamond? You were a biter? No, I was a stepper.

You didn't step on first baseman's ankles on purpose. A spiker. I would step so fucking hard. Who did that? Someone was doing that a bunch. Machado? Was it Machado? Probably.

Yeah. Dude, I would do it not even trying to. It wasn't a baseball play. I was just angry. This is a simple ground out to shore. It wasn't. Just mad that you failed? I was just mad that I got thrown out.

It was just taking it to the point where my own coach was like, you need to knock that shit out. Like, players all the time would just be like, ah! And I'd always think it was an accident. I'm like, dude, this is our fourth time playing this season. It's my sixth time stepping on you. And what do you do as a father, and you just are, like, volunteering because you want to watch it, and you you're like I have this fucking prick John

That keeps stepping on the first baseman's foot I'm gonna have a problem with that in general When my kids are going through shit Where I'm gonna offer to be like I'll fucking ruin his life on the internet for you But you can't step in and ruin You can't be that dad where the kid is like Oh you run to your dad for your help

It's like if someone's spiking you We'll like leak his nudes, bro. I think if a horse could somehow bat. His strike zone is nonexistent. Well, what about this? Well, a strike zone. He'll have an OPS in bonds. Well, wait a minute.

He's getting hit a lot. We're assuming that, I mean, a horse stands on all fours, right? But maybe when he bats, he pops up. Kevin, he's holding the bat in his mouth. Why do we keep forgetting this? I'm just thinking of something where he's got his hooves wrapped around it, and he just pops up for a second and then can. All right, so he's got one of those.

You see the muscles in a horse's neck? Oh, if he does connect, see you later. So strike zone is going to be from, let's say, nose to knee. So the strike zone is, according to this, it's the midpoint below the kneecaps, right? So that is your strike zone. So basically every swing is perfect. But then look at the horse's strike zone. I'll send these for the YouTube so people can actually see how it's fucking minuscule.

It's like the little person that went up to bat back in the game. No, no, no. See, I think we have to have a strike zone. Changing strike zones now? Changing the rules of baseball? I think we've got to have nose to top of leg for the horse. I think we go off of the letter of the law, but in the rule book we have to go off of, for the horse. I think we go off of the lighter or the longer.

In the rope, we have to go off of, right? Right. I'm just saying, this drastically hurts his chances because he's got to be able to go all the way down

with his head swing. Yeah, but that's a Griffey swing. True. Imagine if a horse had a pretty swing and he has a bad drop. He's like,

spits it out like a carrot. Think about the mane swaying. Oh. That mane's going to look great. And then he just has like a. Bryce Harper has nothing on a horse's mane. Right. Oh, wow.

He has a bat drop, bat flip with like a neigh. Like. I did that. That's right. Mr. Ed out here talking shit. I mean, the idea, though, you know, dead in balls. Home runs are down. You probably only got to hit like

45 these days to win the batting crowd. To win the home run crowd. What was last year? I don't think anybody hits 50 anymore, right? I think it was like mid-40s was last year. I feel like we had a 60 very recently. 60? Yeah. Pete had 53 rookie year. Yeah, I was 19. We have not had a 60 since

like Bonds and them. No? I don't think so. I don't think we've had them. No? I don't think so. I don't think we've had any 60s. I don't think we've ever had any 60s besides those guys. Like Sosa, I think Luis Gonzalez got there. Really? I don't think Pujols ever had 60. I don't think Cabrera.

I don't think any of them. Giancarlo had it in 17. 59. Yeah. And Mike Stanton had it in 59. So Mike Stanton was a homer away from 60. Maybe I'm just thinking 50. I was like, whoa, wow, we're getting back up there these days. Yeah, no, 60 has been done, but it's only like those guys,

kind of the 60 club. There's some sneaky like 49 with Eugenio Suarez at 59. Like, you couldn't pick him out of the lineup, right? Who? Eugenio Suarez. On what team and what year? Cincinnati Reds. I had him on my fantasy team this year.

I didn't even know he had 49 because I just stopped caring. And he just went nuts. Yeah, 19, 2019. That was the juice balls year. But, yeah. I thought the juice balls year we were getting a couple up in that higher end range. Pete was 53. Vladi Dati had 48 last season.

Salvador Perez last year, 48. That was weird. Salvi Perez felt like a steroids thing to me. It's a very bizarre number for him to all of a sudden have almost 50 home runs as a fucking catcher. That's crazy. Yeah, it was fishy. We'll just say fishy. But if he can get the bat on the ball

The average is what kills you I think You're right I don't think the average is ever going to be hit I think that there's a chance His strike zone is so small That he walks a lot Has very few at bats Let's say he has 45

Let's say he has 50 at bats The rest are walks And he hits 45 home runs on them. Guy's batting like 800 with 45 homers. The horse just makes a lot of sense when you start talking it out. The only problem is, does the horse have a good enough lineup in front of him? Are there men on base for the horse? So who's signing a horse to play baseball? That's the next question.

The Savannah Bananas are doing it. The Savannah Bananas are going to test it out. I swear to God, the Savannah Bananas might do this. They might pitch to a horse in the next couple weeks. There has to be a way. I need to see the man on the stilts pitch to a horse or the bat. There has to be a way in order to get. Simulate this, maybe?

No, to get a horse interested in hitting a baseball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it is. We need to have it be like... We need to have a bat that's... A rope is connected to a bat or something. And when you move it, it opens up an apple cart.

And the apples fall. You know what I mean? So he needs to move that bat and it all needs to coincide with a meatball down the middle. But, I mean, you know that the horse is— If a horse goes like this to you, you guys do that giraffe fighting, right? Yeah, yeah.

You fucking whack your—you ever do that? What's that? It sounds like something Feidelberg would do. When giraffes fight, they throw their heads and necks into each other. They would do that. Head to the sternum, just breaking ribs and shit. I strained my neck last night if i tried to do a giraffe fight right now i'd probably be crippled for life dude i was i was

the other day uh saturday night i was at a bar and i was sitting here like fucking uh was it molly shannon and superstar and i was kind of just like rubbing myself here and i was like god my ribs hurt so fucking bad dude and and finally i i just got here like i was like what could this possibly be from and i asked my brother to stand up and I was like, what could this possibly be from? And I asked my brother to stand up, and I was like, yo, pretend the Bruins just scored. Hugging, slapping? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have bruises now. That's amazing. It's because we were at the game Friday night, and I just have such bad... That's fucking hilarious. ...kind of hits all the time celebrating goals. Yeah, that's a good sign, bro. Yeah.

That's a good sign I want my ribs to hurt too For my team The Savannah Bananas By the way You said that I looked at the case For the horse

And I just put like a gif And it's a guy riding a horse And it says Savannah Bananas So they might already Have a horse In the mix In the game Like I don't think he's

Like the guy's riding the horse Right So I could definitely And again like Bob Baffert Isn't he kicked out of Horse racing for now, I think, from the steroids? If he gets into baseball, like Uncle Stevie brings him in, it's like if you could train a horse to win the derby, you could train a horse to win the Triple Crown. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hang on. We're looking at this all wrong. Horse racing is about the horse, but a jockey rides him. That's true. What about if a baseball horse is playing baseball? He gets a person on his back. So he gets to swing from the horse.

It might be harder, but I'm thinking of a way where you can utilize his strength or something inside the park home runs. So what you need is a slap singles hitter who can hit from my horse's back. Yeah. And then you're not throwing that horse out ever. I mean, those people who can do that stuff, like the archers on the back of horses, there are people who have the ability to do that shit on the back of a horse. And you've got to still pitch from my strike zone. It's up here, though.

So that's going to be hard for you. Yeah. You don't get the kids on the ball up there. Because you're not going to get walked a lot. Once you hit the ball in play, as long as you don't get a force out at first, nobody's tagging me and my horse because we are coming down the base path. We are coming on and just like, I'm going to try to tag you. Nope, and we're just going inside the park home runs. You'll get easy 60 home runs based on that.

And if a horse racing, if a jockey gets to ride a horse and that's the horse winning, then a baseball player gets to ride the horse to win baseball. I think that's a very sound argument. So it all comes down to if he has runners on base. Are there ducks on the pond for the horse? That would be an electric play at the plate. Just watching a catcher get smoked by a horse. Just be a murderer. Just be a murderer.

Just be a murder guy on horseback. Can you imagine being like, oh, we got the Mariners next series. Well, how are they looking? Well, they lost their entire infield because they played the horse team last series. The horse team. Well, you got trampled to death by a horse. They called up some minor leaguer to start.

Why? Because a horse trampled their team to death. Alright, so tweet at us. Let us know They called them some minor leaguer to start. Why? Because a horse trampled their team to death. All right. So tweet at us. Let us know how you think a horse would play baseball. We didn't really talk much. I mean, you've got to just be like the Flash. And you get to wear a baseball helmet, right? Because we're giving them the guy in the back.

So you can wear a helmet on the... As the horses are coming down trying to kill you. How fast do horses run? Like 20-something miles an hour? Fuck no, dude. 35? I would say 40. 40?

Yeah, maybe even faster. Yeah, I don't know, because people out there are like fast, run like 21 or 24. Yeah, but Danny and Tomlinson ran like 38, I think. No. No. Really? Maybe 28, I forget. 55 miles an hour.

Holy shit. They can top out at it. So we're going to need a human to run like 60 miles an hour they can top out at. So we're going to need a human to run like 60 miles an hour one day. I looked it up too. You have the Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont. It goes from a mile and 316th to a mile and a half.

The winner of the Belmont, which is the longest one that year, was 2 minutes and 30 seconds. You do the math, bro. So that's a mile and a half. It took 2 and a half minutes, right? The record for a human running just one mile is 343. Oh, wow. So you have to then get another half a mile and shave another minute and 15 seconds off

of it. And I remember these little pictures where it have all the different, like how fast animals are. Usain Bolt is at like the very end he's still the horse is in the middle of the graphic ahead of him like Usain Bolt gets it it's funny that horses and humans are the closest

it's horses and then looks like we got a cheetah Usain Bolt and then the horse yeah it is crazy that the horse is the next level that is the most comparable animal speed wise because yeah cheetahs and shit are flying and like turtles That is the most comparable animal speed-wise. Greyhound and horse, yeah.

Because, yeah, cheetahs and shit are flying, and turtles are all slow. Interesting. I mean, you could also cheat. A human's got a better chance of cheating against those horses in those one-off events. Kind of like what we were saying, if they all fell and broke their legs. I don't know if they all got poisoned the night before.

You're slick as you're running so you got them don't give them Clyde three times or at least one time right if you yell something it's in the room that count I could spook the horse yeah I feel like don't they kind of isn't it dirty in like the in like the pack aren't they like kind of like each other and shit stab any with the fucking the jockeys I feel like I like I think that that... I think you get disqualified. You get caught, right? But I feel like some guys do.

But it's pretty easy to get caught, right? Because I think they review it afterwards. Oh, okay. Like, oh, we watched you hit it. Yeah, you can't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also... But I mean, I feel like people used to probably run, you know, like 10 miles an hour.

And that was like the fastest they ran back in the day. Now they're running like 25 miles an hour. Maybe, you know, 100 years from now now we're running 60 miles an hour and those horses are all in shit that i'm sure the governing bodies couldn't find so now you just got to find the human that can find the the substance and again the most corruptible animal of all this is the human we're really underselling humans those jockeys can be bought for a price for sure it's like i guess you have to buy how many major league pitchers and you have to worry about the other 29 teams having a guy on your own team could be knocking in all those ducks off the pond that we keep talking right right those jockeys can

be bought for the right price so i think that i think that is where the human lies the fucked up question for the ages though the human triple crown or the horse triple crown this is a this is a francesa prank question for sure yes hey, who do you think will win a Triple Crown? I think they asked him, can Mickey Mantle win the Triple Crown? I think he's like, he's not a horse. I love it. All right, Clem, good shit, brother.

It wasn't me. We're going to start talking about dicks and stuff. Go be a real adult. Okay, let's get into our voicemails now. Big thanks to Clem. We went deep on that one. We had horses with bats. Savannah Bananas.

Savannah Bananas has got to make this happen and then we can get a final answer. But let's do our voicemails. What do we got? Hey, KFC Radio crew. What's going on? Just want to let you know I did my part. I bought two tickets to the Philly live show.

Let's go. I'll see you on Thursday night. So I'm listening to the episode where you guys are talking about how people live in funeral homes and they're nuts for doing it. There's this girl that I went to middle school with and then, you know, we went to different high schools or whatever, but she would throw parties at her house, which was a funeral home. And the first time we went there, I asked her, my buddy and I walk in with a case of beer, and we walk in, and we're trying to, like, oh, like, where can we put our beer

to keep it cold, and she's like, oh, like, you can just put it right here in the walk-in, and she opens the door, and there's this dude just sitting there, like, cut up, like, autopsied, like, being embalmed, just laying on the table, and she's like, oh, you don't have to put it in here, and we just looked at each other and said, ah, fuck it, and we just put through our 30 of Bud Light, just sitting in there with a dead guy on the table. And that night, you know, get all banged up, whatever, just dumb high school kids. And we have pictures of us laying in the coffins, all sorts of stuff. Me and my buddy actually hooked up with a chick in one of the coffins.

That's kind of morbid, I guess, but it's pretty funny when you think about it now. But, yeah, so just wanted to chime in there and say those people are, and you're even crazier if you throw a fucking party in your house. Shout out to... Now I'm just wondering, what's the weirdest place that you've been to, like a house party? I mean, I guess a funeral home is easily number one for me. I think that's going to be number one. Shout out to our guy, what's his name? Who had sex in the coffin?

Zach? Zach Britton? No. That's the baseball pitcher. Who's in fucking Franklin and Bash? He's like a very famous 90s... Breckenmire. Breckenmire.

Who went through a vampire phase and had sex in a coffin in his apartment. Or in his bedroom. The weirdest... We'll get to the main part in a second. The weirdest place I've ever been to a party, I guess. I don't really know. We've done Woods. I think that's very funny that everybody has woods parties.

Yeah. It's just like there's no way you can get caught. We used to do the fucking golf course, the Fall River Country Club. I forget what hole it was. Yeah, we were out on the green. You could fucking – it was a golf course. You could see the cops coming from a literal mile away. Yeah.

We used to go on a golf course that was technically, I believe, over the border to the Bronx. And so our cops were like – it was like going to the border of Mexico. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have jurisdiction. But I think also sometimes they just said, fuck it, and they ran in there and flushed us out. I was like – I think they were kind of like, this is not Mexico, guys. Like, we can get you. I think jurisdiction – dude, there was one time where I was like – I was driving home.

I was speeding. I was like, whatever. If I get – I was flying down. I was, like, driving home. I was speeding. I was, like, whatever. If I get, I was right, I was flying down. I was 24 and, like, towards the Tipperary area. If I make it to the next town, I'm okay? The next state. Because it's, like, right. Yeah, like, I was, like, I don't know.

But I don't think for, like. If they started pulling me over and I just fucking gun it to crossing to Massachusetts, it's going to be, like, we'll call you on Rhode Island. Like, can you give me a ticket to Massachusetts? I was watching, what's that show? Lovecraft Country? Lovecraft? I think it was that one. It was like old, deep south.

They were black people. The stars. If you're in this town after sundown, these cops kill you, basically. There was a scene where they're racing to the border as the sun is going down. And the cops like stop. Like, I was like, I think the people who like lynched people back in like the 40s and 50s just – I think they just do it.

Yeah, we got them before sundown. Right. There's no cameras or anything like that. But yeah, I think some of that jurisdiction stuff is way overblown. The cops in the local county just turn off their body cams. Just put a little tape over them. I think a lot of times those are cops who were just like, eh, never mind. We're not going to chase you guys through the woods.

But yeah, you know, like we used to party at a mafia house, which was awesome. I actually partied at a mafia house too. But I used to get a little like nervous too. Like I remember one time. I don't know that it was a mafia house. It it was like a very very very nice house in in newport and we'd ask like we were like in like really young high school a lot of guns around and then we'd be like what's your dad do he's like don't worry about it so we were at a party and and this person we we all like loved like everybody knew this person it was like it was cool like it was fine but we all knew or

like heard the rumors and there was this kid who was dating another girl a girl so he was from a different town and i think he didn't just quite know the rules of like don't ask don't tell and he was hammered and he was like yo so like who's your dad dude and like make all this money and it was like i've ever been like i gotta go i'm looking for like red dots to come on everybody who was at the party that night um but that's not i mean uh just partying at a funeral home is dude well but no hang on no i've come completely around that sounds awesome i love if anyone owns a funeral home and would invite me to party there one night i will come i will I would come. For sure. Dude, if I get the... Funeral homes

smell like dead people. Flowers, dead people, and musty. They all have like... It's not like dead people. It's like we're covering up the smell of dead people. Yeah. They have like velvet couches, right? It's always like everything's from the 70s and... We are really just... By the way,

we are the most feminist and masculine and anti-constitution and the premier preeminent funeral home podcast. This is like five straight episodes. We're talking about funeral homes. I think that would be really funny and really cool. I agree without the dead body cut up and shit. No, that's the kicker. That's the ice. That's the cherry. No, that's the kicker. That's the ice.

That's the cherry on top, bro. That is fucking... I wouldn't... Boy, it would be tough, but it would be like... Dead dicks and stuff. It's like, you gotta do it. If you're gonna party at a funeral home, I need a fucking sliced up motherfucker in there. Would you fuck in a coffin?

Would I fucking cough in a coffin? Yeah, absolutely, dude. I wouldn't fuck in a coffin because I don't think it'd work. Oh, yeah. It'd be very hard. It's a tiny box. Yeah. I wouldn't be good at it, but I't think it'd work. Oh, yeah. It'd be very hard. In this tiny box. Yeah. I wouldn't be good at it, but I'm not good in a bed either, so what the fuck do I care?

But the, like, do I have an issue fucking in a coffin? None whatsoever. No, I guess I don't, but I think I have an issue partying next to, like, the way you said, like, a chopped up dead body. Yeah, like, maybe so. No, you want to know, it was a crazy video. That means you think his head was cut off too? Not head, but the top of his head.

I was listening to part four of Louis C.K. on Shane's podcast. They spoke for five hours. I think there's a five-part series talking about presidents. And Louis is a wealth of knowledge about all this shit. And he told a story. I don't think I've ever was taught this. The president of Egypt in 1981, his name was Anwar Sadat, I believe.

Yeah. That's the name of the Jason Segel's dog in I Love You, Man. Sadat. Anwar Sadat. And he says, why did you name him Anwar Sadat? He goes, because he looks like Anwar Sadat. That dude's assassination is wild.

I don't know about it. They have some parade going on. And this lieutenant who was in the army. It looks very North Korea-esque when they have the whole army marching. This lieutenant was like, he brought three new. Don't do that one. The one underneath it i think is if you go to videos and then that one i think um he goes he brought three new soldiers

and he was like those other guys are sick these are the three replacements and they uh maybe it wasn't this one yeah yeah i think it was he it was this one. He, it's wild. They, they. This is a video of his assassination? Yeah. So they do the flyover, right? Yep, yep, that, there it is. That's, that looks like the dog. And then there's a point where he,

he's sitting, yeah, it feels like very, so that guy right there is throwing a grenade. Those guys just hopped out of the trucks, threw three grenades. The first two didn't detonate, which is kind of funny because that happens in movies, and I'm always like,

why would the grenades just not work? They just don't. And then those three other dudes, there was a panel of him and his top generals and shit, and they just like... And there's a scene towards the end. I don't know about the end. You see this guy holding his own arm.

And he's like dragging dead bodies and shit. This was all on live TV. Louis said he remembered watching it as a kid. They broke in and they were like, this footage might be disturbing. And it's like, ah, you fucking think? But there was... Go back towards the middle of that one. You see this guy just,

like with the shreds of his skin. That's what Louis was describing. He was like, this guy had like strings of, and I was like, really? And then they fucking did. But I had never heard about this shit at all. I don't even know why we're bringing it up.

Oh, because it's dead people. I don't think I could like party and fuck in front of a dead body. I mean, I don't know. I probably couldn't fuck in front of one. I probably couldn't. Could you fuck? I probably couldn't.

Could you fuck a dead body? Huh? Yeah. Could you fuck it, the dead body? Oh, yeah. Easy, dude. If you were alone, you would pound a dead body.

Oh, God, dude. That fucking body. Multiple times. Yeah. Three. Yeah, just be loads on top of loads. You're catching fucking mold. You know how they, like, pump, like, formaldehyde through the body? Yeah, just be loads on top of loads. You're catching fucking mold. You know how they like pump like

formaldehyde through the body? You would just be pumping your shit through. Yeah. Like, nah, don't worry, I preserved it. Dude,

the fucking, they go to move the body to fucking finish up the autopsy in the morning and just a bunch of cum drops out. Is that a five minutes, Nick? You haven't had a five minutes in a little while. Bro, I took it too far.

I was thinking the whole thing is too far. I don't know. Talking about Egyptian assassinations and fucking dead bodies and coming in it. Did that? Did that? Oh, we have to introduce. Oh, yeah. No, we were in the middle of voicemails.

We don't need to do it. Did that? Totally five minutes. Did that dead body just fart? Next. Be like, oh, Samantha must? Next. Be like, oh, Samantha must have had a party again last night.

I would definitely at that party huff her from out loud, though. Yeah, that's cool. For sure. I might even fucking bang that shit, dude. I might even fucking tie off, dude. I didn't even fucking. Tie off, baby.

What's up, KFC fights, everybody? Just had a quick story. I guess it could be an M.I.D. asshole, but I really just need to get the story off. So I've been listening to Bracket Podcast recently. Fights, I know you've been on there a few times. A few times. I had to be on last night. I've been listening to the Bracket podcast recently. Fights, I know you've been on there a few times. A few times. I asked you to be on last night.

I've been watching the ruins. I've seen everything that goes on with the act, one of the favorite shows there. But, yeah, either way, you guys just talking about swirlies a lot, had me thinking about a story that I just definitely needed to get off. So, yeah, it's definitely a real thing, and unfortunately I had my part in one. But I'll get to the point. So yeah, there's, there's my senior year of high school. There was, um, there's this kid, you know, in my high school, we were, we were all pretty close.

I mean, regardless of, you know, clicks or whatever, everyone was pretty close. Everyone's pretty friendly, but there's this one kid I grew up with and he, uh, for whatever reason, he just, he loved the eyeballs. He very much liked to be, um, you know, a center of attention for whatever reason, he just, he loved the eyeballs. He very much liked to be, you know, the center of attention for whatever reason. And his favorite center of attention was just to be bullied. And sure, whatever, whatever gets you off, man. There's one day in shop and I don't, I'm not sure why, but we must've been talking about swirlies, but he, for whatever reason, he was just coming up to us and like harassing i guess not harassing us but

you know like you guys won't give me a swirly anyways like you guys are pussies you know whatever fill in the blank and uh they were like yeah dude whatever we're not gonna fucking give you a swirly um but yeah i would keep shitting on him and joking around and he just kept doing it just throughout the day just like would come up to us while we're working and just be like you guys are pussies like whatever we're like all right man like should we just fucking do this like it would be hilarious um and he's he's actually just asking for it oh my god so you know fast forward we finally had a we were just shooting the shit talking about it and me and this other kid decided you know let's let's just fucking do it. So we're like, all right.

You know, I went to a vocational school, so we're in our shop. And we're like, you know, at the end of the day when we know everyone's going to be changing and we know he's going to be in there, let's just, you know, go in the locker room and that's when we'll do it. So it was. It was getting towards the end of the day. We go in the locker room. Sure enough, he's in there. And he's, you know know rightfully so in the bathroom so we're like perfect so we make a beeline for him we're like we'll just do it right now

um my friend he you know he actually did all the heavy lifting he you know picks up this kid so he picked him up i i got in i brought him over to the stall opened the door and he tilted him he tilted him down i grabbed his head and i i put in the door and he tilted him, he tilted him down. I grabbed his head and I, I put it in the water and just flushed it a few times. And I mean, it was fun and games. It was, it was cool. It wasn't cool, but you know, the kid was laughing. It was, it was all right. Put me down, put me down. Yeah. Put me down. We put him down. I, I've never seen a more defeated look on a person's face face that might be hyperbole but i don't think so uh you know i did feel bad instantly and it was tough but um you know fast

forward to the next day um we think you know he'll shake it off whatever he comes in and i you know just definitely not a great look on his face. Very, very disappointed, very depressed. I don't know why. I mean, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But, hey, I didn't get swirled. So regardless, I'll skip all the small details. But essentially, at the end of the day, me and the kid that gave that other kid the swirly ended up fighting each other for whatever reason. So, yeah, I don't know.

Am I the asshole there? I probably am. So let me – what was that, 352? Could have been summed up, I gave a guy a swirly. Am I an asshole? Yeah, you put someone's head in a toilet against their will. No, it wasn't against his will. Well.

I think that's an important note. That guy, when he said his favorite mode of being center of attention was to get bullied, I was like, that sounds like some fucking romanticizing the fact that you were a bully in high school. Yeah, no, he loved it, dude. She loved when I did it to her. Yeah, okay, pal. When he explained it, like, the guy kept coming up and being like,

you guys won't give me a swirl. You guys are pussies. Yeah. Like, I mean, dude, I don't know. Maybe I just never knew. What I see is the early stages of a cock. I think that dude is walking around school. You won't fuck my girlfriend.

Like, when he gets older. I walk around school. When he gets older, I walk around school. When he gets older, what he's doing is he's feeling it out right there. He's not out of the closet yet as a fucking pervert. But that dude's going to be 36 maybe threatening his boss,

being like, you won't fuck my wife. You won't fucking tie up in the corner, put lipstick on me, and fuck my wife. How great is the internet for people like that? Like back in the day, that's what you had to do. You had to like go to a party and be like, isn't it crazy that some people had to jerk off to their wife getting fucked by guys with big black dick?

And diggers? Anybody? And now you can just go find that on the internet and get your kink off. Yeah. It is I I also though Like Sometimes you gotta protect

People from themselves And it's like We're not gonna put your head In the toilet Yeah You keep annoying me But alright I'll put your head in the toilet

Yeah yeah Like I'll do it Like alright I'm fucking doing it But I can see the I can see I like just like his look

At it That wasn't That wasn't fun. Yeah. I kind of want to give someone a swirly now. Jackie! Shut up. Like, guys, that wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

Water dripping down his face. I didn't like that at all. Totally regret this this totally regret it dude that you saying like you didn't tell the internet was it was

funny the I definitely heard pieces of this from someone somewhere and I don't know if it was a comedian or what this is gonna get dark just

oh boy the someone was telling me about like like little like Serbian people or what. This is going to get dark. Oh, boy. Someone was telling me about little Serbian people who have diseases where they just always look like a child and they get adopted. Say again? They're like adults.

They're like full-grown adults. But they look like they're an exceptional child. Yeah. And they're like American families adopted. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes.

Psychotic. Right, right, right. Maybe Austin's even told us about it before I think specifically there's one Like story that we Like knew about but I think it is It's not super regular But it happens often enough

So I was listening to this and I had an idea And I've heard Bases of the idea in other places But what if These people These adults Bases of the idea in other places. But what if these people, these adults, did legal child porn? Did legal? I don't think there is legal child porn. But they're adults.

Oh, right, right, right. They look like children. Right, right. Because guess what? We're not going to stop pedophilia. So that's what I. So might as well have people who look like kids consent and be like, hey, why don't you guys watch this? So we don't have fucking kids get abused.

Sounds like you want some child porn, brother. That's not at all what I want. That's not at all what I want. That's what a guy who wants child porn would say. I'm a solutions guy. That's what a guy who wants child porn would say. What if we just could manufacture some cool child porn? They're actually.

What about sex dolls actually I don't watch I don't like fucking barely 18s fucking pigtails don't like them fucking braces braces lollipops

when they're trying to make it kiddish not for me. But what about if they did but it is for other people and they fucking abuse people to get it.

What about sex dolls if they just made them like kids and pedophiles can just buy sex dolls and fuck those. Maybe that's what I heard maybe someone had

an idea like that. I forget but it was me. Was it you? Clearly I mean I got and fuck those. Maybe that's what I heard. Maybe someone had an idea like that. I forget. It was me. Was it you? Clearly. I mean, I got it up here. But it's like just, you know, if you put them all on an island and they can fuck dolls

and they have to promise not to fuck the real kids. That's a big part of the deal. You buy it. You sign on the dotted line. It also says, I won't fuck any real kids. I'll just fuck this fake kid.

You come out and you have, but like that also, but I feel like that, I think that would be, I think that's part, I think that's just a turn off because it's not a real thing. But if you, on the video, you're like, look at this real kid, but it's actually a Serbian 40-year-old. Like, that's...

Imagine that at the end though, they tell you, by the way, hold up your ID and it's 40, you're like, God damn it, that was an adult! You just chucked onto someone over 18, you creep. All right, last one. What's up,

KFC Fights and everybody else in there. So, I'm sitting here watching the Mets game against the Nats. Fuck the Yankees, Kyle. Fucking Kyle. Fucking asshole.

I made myself a very dang quesadilla, and I'm sitting there eating the leftovers with my hands, and I'm thinking, why don't we just do that? I kind of like that, eating with my hands. Feels right. And I'm just wondering, what's another kind of cultural thing that another country or another culture does

that you wish we did. Because a lot of other countries eat with their hands. We don't do that here. First of all, you eat quesadillas with your hands. Yeah, I think he's saying he's getting the fucking meat. Yeah, the mess of it all and all that. Which I don't care for that. I'm a fork and knife guy.

No, that's not because if the whole world did that, if all of a sudden we decided you could eat with your hands, you're allowed to, I would still use a fork and knife. Yeah. It's fucking weird. Because guess what? I don't wash my hands before I eat. Right. I use a fork. I don't have to.

It doesn't matter. I don't care in general. But – I do eat with my hands and I don't wash them. I don't fucking care. Well, that was – yeah. Sometimes I'm just eating a sandwich. I don't wash my hands before that either.

And we were talking about that. Someone said something like – someone fell on the ground. Someone ate it. And maybe I was watching something. I forget where I hear things. But the – Who cares? It was – they were like literally no one has ever died of eating food off the floor.

Died? Yeah. So there's nothing that's going to happen. Who cares? I mean, again, we – you talk about standards. Like we regularly go out and seek people to put our tongues in their asses on purpose. And we like are like hungry for it. We celebrate it.

But if my bagel touched the ground for a second, you're going to shame me? Fuck you. Suck an ass. Suck an asshole. Other things that I wish we could do? Like what manners are stupid i mean like i wish we would all just be honest about washing our hands after we pee no one's ever doing that we know how that goes everyone's like you're a barbarian you're a fucking liar um i'll tell you what when i don't want is how the like asian people and indian people shit in the holes that's weird weird. I like having a seat. I don't have the balance. I like having a chair.

I don't have the balance to shit in a hole. That's crazy. If I have to shit in a hole, I'll be covered in shit. What do drunk people do? They can do the squat drunk? I guess so. I'm falling in that hole. 100% falling in that hole. I guess I don't even know enough about what other cultures do.

We're uncultured. I don't think a lot of cultures eat with their hands. I think in a long-came poly, they go to an Indian restaurant where they do. I don't know how fucking historically accurate that was. There's also just some foods you do eat with your hands. It's like, oh, you eat your burger with your hands? You eat your pizza with your hands? You eat your sandwich

with your hands? All the things I eat, I eat with my hands. I rarely use fucking silverware at this point. Give me a break. Kevin's fist full of bowls Yeah I really don't know Tweet at us I'd like more like I'd like more

Festivals I don't think we have A lot of festivals I don't know man I don't know Let's go to the voice Let's go to the fucking interview Joe List on the show

Very funny comedian. In my opinion, one of the all-time moments involving Dusty Baker and a gay man in the 70s. That was so much fun when we all celebrated. That was incredible. It's brought to you by SiriusXM. Listen to the SiriusXM app at home or anywhere you are. No car required. Stream it on your phone, online, or at home.

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is awesome. You can catch some of the old school stand-up specials as well as all the new cutting edge on all the comedy channels. You can also get what was my favorite? It was Channel 9, 90s at 9 or whatever. You just got all the 90s music. That was great. Subscribe now. Get your first

three months for free of the SiriusXM app. Visit SiriusXM.com slash KFC Radio offer to sign up. Offer details apply. It's long overdue, actually. Yeah, I appreciate it. I mean, I don't...

Everyone tell me this show is huge. Yeah, we hope. I mean, it was recently when Soder went on Rogan's podcast. And it had kind of become a thing that like Soder and now DiStefano is like the last one to not go on or whatever. And I started thinking about if there are people in New York that we need to have on. And I know your name is – I was laying on the ground, so it's going to be covered. You're a mess. But I just – my point being every comic who's a real comic always brings your name up. Oh, great.

Oh, this is going to be bad. Yeah. I was like, oh, Jesus. No, no, no. I mean it seems like you're one of those comics comics. Yeah, I like to think so. I appreciate your work. Yeah, I'm certainly not the audience comic. All my peers are doing

theaters and i'm at you know whatever uh but yeah i'm a comics comic i'll take it the being everyone's comic or the audience comic where you said reminds you of one of the bits in the new special this year's material right yes yes the uh this material is a great name for a fucking special thank you well it's supposed to be a play on the Elvis Costello album, this year's model. And then I was going to shoot a replica because he has got glasses, he sucks, and he's like behind the camera. And I was going to do the thing. I don't think he sucks.

He's awesome. I just mean he's, you know. I was going to say, I love Elvis Costello. No, no. It's my favorite album. You don't know this is an Elvis Costello podcast? What are you doing? I mean, he sucks because he's got glasses is what I meant.

But you know what I mean. So I was going to do that. And I still plan to. But I haven't yet. So nobody gets it. A couple people have been like, is this about Elvis Costello? I'm like, it is. I just thought it was funny.

This is the year's material that I've been working on. There's that too. It is like a double. Right. Trying to get cute with the name or whatever. It's just like, here's my material. Yeah. It's that also.

But when you see the visual. Yeah, it all comes together. Yeah, it'll really be something. But when you were talking about uh you had a bit in that where you're talking about you said the line and i love this line um i agree with all of you individually yeah oh it's so good i've never felt something more specifically about the mask but in general in general no i mean yes yes but in everything. Yeah. You are absolutely right. In fact, we were just watching a – do you know who James Cromwell is, the actor? You do know who he is. Once you see this guy's face, you're going to know him.

I'm sure I do. Have you seen Babe? Babe, the pig movie? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that guy. He's one of those guys that you know him and he's been in a million movies. So he just got arrested moments ago.

Oh, great. For super gluing himself to the register at Starbucks to protest their – they charge more for vegan milk. Okay. And the upsell on vegans is something that doesn't sit well with him. And I was watching his protest, and it started it started with like African Americans don't digest milk well And you're Don't digest cow's milk well And you're Right up there

And I was like I was watching him I was like I agree This is fucked up Get him James Something you've never done in your life What he's doing is an objectively crazy thing And I was like I'm on his side

Bro see I was He's 6 foot 7 by the way Oh wow Good luck kicking him out of Starbucks When he's gluing himself to the table. That's a lot of glue. I thought the story was he said something racist. He's like, blacks can't drink milk. I thought he was like a bad guy.

Oh, okay. I didn't know that about African Americans. Yeah, neither did I. More power to someone who... He said it, and I want to say one thing one time. I'm like, yeah, that's correct. More power to, you know, anybody who tries

to help other people. I just, I don't think that's the cross I'm going to die on. I don't know if that's the one that's worth getting arrested for. African-Americans

die to milk. I drank spoiled milk last night. No, I had this one time where they were talking about a horse and carriage in New York, and all these people

were protesting, like, we got to get rid of it because it stinks up the city. It's cruel to animals. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, fuck that. I'll sign. And then there was like a counter thing that was like,

that's like part of the history. All these guys are immigrants. Where would they go? What do they do with the horses if not? And it's the clip-clop. And I was like, that's a good point too. I love the clip-clop. I'm like, maybe we do half horses?

I don't know. I'm like, I'm out. All this shit. I'm like, ah, you make great points. That's why I can't listen to anyone have arguments because I'm so dumb and simple that like, I'm out. All this shit. I'm like, you make great points. That's why I can't listen to anyone have arguments because I'm so dumb and simple that I believe you 100% right away. I'm like, oh, yeah. No, you're definitely right. And then someone's like, well, actually, I'm like, yeah.

It's almost like life is a complicated thing with you on stitches. It's a little tricky. But the mask, I still on the subway have it on. And then if there's people around me not wearing it, I just take it off my chin. And then I put it. I'm like doing this the whole time. Like whatever you guys. I've been doing that.

I take the train a lot. And another subway to train. And I've been doing that because you don't have to wear them anymore. Like trains, airplanes and all that stuff. And I don't have a mask. I haven't had a mask basically since I got vaccinated. I don't really care. have a mask i like i haven't had a mask basically since i got vaccinated i don't really care not that we're gonna turn this into a mask podcast but the uh and like whenever i'll get seated next to someone and they'll be wearing a mask

and like ah fuck now i feel really bad like if i had one i'd put it on i just don't even have one i'm sorry i'm just a chameleon at all times i want to please everybody who uh yeah which i think is fair i'm just like ah sorry i know i would which I think is fair. I'm just like, ah, sorry. I'm sure some people think of it as like a, you know, you don't have a backbone or something. It's like,

ah, shut the fuck up. I just don't want to fight. I'm a people pleaser. That's it. Yeah, no, I mean,

I'll take some stances. I don't like the Nazis. They're bad. But if they were here, I'd be like, well. I also don't want to get beat up.

What can you do? Wait, is this the show? Yeah, we're on? Okay, so it's no like, here I'd be like I also don't want to get beat up before you saying like a racial slur before you got well the I disappointed what was he to say fuck we've got a Nazis too fast you see there's a Fuck, we got on Nazis too fast. We usually say that for the second half. We got on Nazis too fast. No, but I don't think there's anything wrong with, like, I don't go to places and blow it up with my personal beliefs about things. If I go somewhere and you guys are doing this, I'll do that. Yeah, yeah. As long as it's not, you know, Nazism, like you said.

Somebody had the tweet that I thought was funny. They were like, oh, interesting. All the COVID experts are also ukraine experts yeah yeah it's all the same people are like i know everything about uh infectious viruses and also ukrainian russian politics and that's why i try this man i just sit the stuff out are you are you big on social media like do you use it a lot i use that's the root of a fair amount but i mean like i i'm about, I just check my own shit. I tweet, and then every once in a while, I'll be like, oh, that one's doing well, whatever.

And then every once in a while, someone will tell me to kill myself, and I'll block them and think about killing myself. That's the circle of life on social media. But I don't- Might as well go to bed after that. I never go through a Twitter feed. I don't read Twitter. Wow.

I read my ads or mention, whatever the fuck. And Instagram, I'll post. TikTok, I can't do. I should. Everyone's like, you got to do TikTok. Hire someone to do it. But TikTok, I can't handle because as soon as you turn it on, it's on. I know.

It just goes. It's just like, la, la, la, la, la. And my wife is on it, and it makes me want to get divorced. Yes. Dude, when you're in a room with someone on TikTok, it makes you, I'll never be on TikTok, so I'm never the guy in the room on TikTok. Same. It's impossible. It's like talking guy in the room on TikTok. Same, yeah. It is, it's impossible.

It's like talking on a speakerphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are just taking over this room with your fucking TikTok feed right now, but I don't know why it's any different. I mean, I guess, yeah, on Instagram, you can turn the volume down or you can turn the volume off all the way, but yeah, I mean, I think it's more that the people who are on it are just blasting it like assholes. Yeah.

You could just. Those are the kind of people on TikTok. No, it's destroying society. I don't want to be like that guy who's like, it's ruining us, man. But it's really bad. And like I have a nephew who's, you know, 13 or whatever. And he's like obsessed with football. But when the football game is on, he's watching football highlights on TikTok.

And I'm like, but the game is on. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. But I think it's, we're going to be like a highlight-y thing, which also I took him to a Red Sox game. And you realize anyone who's 13, grown up with TikTok,

baseball is a punishment. Yeah. It's like I'm being mean to him. I'm like, we're going to sit and watch this. And he's like, you can see him like shaking. People who still argue for baseball,

they'll be like, baseball's fine, you know, our ratings are up. Like, you have not put yourself in the shoes of a 13-year-old kid.

They hate it like poison. No, it's... And I don't blame them. It's a boring fucking thing to watch. I love it, but it's, you know,

objectively boring. Yeah, I felt like it was mean when I was doing it. Like, it's almost like, you didn't clean your room, we're taking you to Fenway.

It's bad. Like, if you don't have the you know like the reverence for Fenway where you're like wow like I'm here and I'm watching you know like Ted Williams played here and now we're watching you know if you're just here for the game and you know it's a slow sport and a lot of stop and go it's probably like what are we doing yeah particularly april baseball it was like 48 degrees you're not you know you half the people go want to get fucked up and drink beer yeah that you know so it's like i can understand it until that changes baseball's gonna die i i was actually in boston last weekend and i had the honestly like i i had i had a boston cab experience that i i i hesitated telling people because they would have been like, you made this up. There's no way this all went down.

It was I got to South Station, and I was going to the Bruins game that night, and I got to South Station, and then I'm a cab guy. I like cabs over Ubers. I don't like that shit. If there's a cab stand somewhere, I'm waiting in line for the cab every single time. So I'm in a cab. I'm waiting at the cab stand at South Station, and this guy pulls up in an Explorer, old Explorer. That's where your line is, by the way.

That's where you draw the line. Everything else, you'll be a people pleaser. We're taking the fucking cab. Well, I'm solo. I'm pleasing myself. I'm a people pleaser for me. I sacrifice it for everyone else whenever someone's around. When I'm alone, I'm pleasing myself.

Yeah, you are! This dude pulls up in an Explorer, and right away I start people pleasing. Like an Eddie Bauer edition, like the 97. Oh, that old school shit. And he's like, you need a ride? I was like, yeah.

I just put my bags in. I figured if a gypsy cab guy was going to kidnap and kill someone, I'm probably not the first. First choice, yeah. So we get in the car, and the Bruins are down 2-0 in the series at this point. Celtics are down. Sox suck. And he's like, fucking Boston sports are terrible now.

And I, who actually was up on the Bruins, I thought we were going to turn the series around. I was right. And I just agree with him. I just start laying in exactly like we're saying. Like, Don Sweeney keeps getting us fucking... I put on an accent as well. Absolutely. Same. I'm a Kennedy when I go home.

It's hilarious. Like, Don Sweeney keeps getting us fucking bullied out of the playoffs six years in a row. Can't put a tough team together. It's nuts. And then he's yelling back. He's like, don't even get me started on Trevor Story. I'm like, oh, Story, I can't even. Don't even get crazy.

Fucking four strikeouts today, right? Because they play the Angels in a day game. And then we're going, and there's crazy traffic. And it ends up taking like a half hour to get to the hotel I was staying at. And we ran out of fumes bitching about Boston sports. Sure. And then there's a little lull. And he just goes, this abortion thing is crazy. I was like, oh, no.

Oh, no. We were about to do that. That is amazing. Just be quiet for the last couple minutes. You got to swing it back. Speaking of abortions, how about Patino know, Patino's run as coach? That was crazy. And then he ended it with, he goes, and I'd just like to tell you before you leave.

Like, he had to get this one last thing off. Just like to tell you before you leave. It's not the Russians I'm scared of. He goes, it's the Chinese. And if they team up, then we're really fucked. And I was like, thank you very much. Have a good day, sir. I gotta say, he sounds smarter than the average Boston Cowboy.

He was pro-life. Once he got going on abortion, he was pro-life. I did not see this twist coming. Wow. Wow, that's impressive, though. And yeah, you're basically staunchly opposite of everything you were talking about, right? Yeah, very. You're positive about Boston Sports. Wait, wait, I'm saying he was pro-choice. I was like, you're basically staunchly opposite of everything you were talking about, right? Yeah, very. You're positive about Boston sports.

Wait, wait, I'm saying he was pro-choice. He was pro-choice. Oh, okay. I was like, we're celebrating that pro-life thing a little bit harder. No, no, no. I was surprised to see he was pro-choice. But no, I do think the Red Sox suck. That one I was pretty honest about.

I'm a big Boston guy. I'm from Whitman, Mass. Whitman, okay. Birthplace of the chocolate chip cookie. Really? Yeah, you can look it up. Everyone always looks it up. People don't believe me.

I don't believe you. Yeah, people don't believe me. And then days later, they'll be like, hey, you were right about that. And I'm like, well, I wasn't right about it. I wasn't making a prediction. I was telling you a thing that happened. When was it invented? I don't know that.

I never read past the first sentence. I'm always nervous because I'm afraid they changed the history. Is somebody on it? I feel like that would have had to have been invented in like hundreds and hundreds of years ago. I don't think so. I think the chocolate chip cookies, these people, they weren't living well back then. 1930s. No fucking 30s. No 30s.

The roaring 30s. No fucking shot that cookies were invented 90 years ago. Chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. No, it was horse shit cookies. The king cookie. That's the cookie. You're telling me that you think there was a. Chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate chip cookies is the king cookie. That's the cookie. You're telling me that you think there was a whole wave of cookies before chocolate chip? Oh, yeah.

Sugar cookies. Macaroons. Black and white cookies. That probably came in the 60s or something. There was other cookies. Oreos probably been around a while. No way. No way.

No way. There's no way that Oreos made it before chocolate chip. First of all, cookies, apparently cookies came around in the 7th century AD. There's no fucking way nobody put chocolate in there until 1930. It's the chip, though. The chip. It might have been chocolate.

The Toll House. The semi-sweet. The Toll House. That's where Whitman is. The Toll House cookie. It burned down. Maybe like the modern day chocolate chip cookie that we know, but there's no way there was not people putting bits of chocolate in cookies. Go to the source. When was the chocolate chip invented? That's what you've got to look up.

First of all, I would not have guessed that Iran had the first cookie. I think they used to be different. They were, you know, they were early. They used to be different. They were, you know, they were early. They used to be cooking cookies. After the Industrial Revolution, improvements in technology led to a more bigger variety of cookies. Hell yeah. So the base for all cookies were the same. Wheat flour, sugar, and fats.

Coming to America. I mean, all right. So whatever. I mean. That was the 80s. Let's see. Here are the most popular types of cookies from around the world. Animal crackers came from England.

Garbage. The Anzac biscuit is Australia's national biscuit. Terrible. Biscotti. Biscotti. Biscotti from the Guineas. Garbage. The chocolate chip cookie was invented by mistake by Ruth Graves Wakefield in 1937, Massachusetts.

Yes, baby! She ran the Toll House. She ran the Toll House restaurant with often big cookies for her guests. One day, on the day in question, she was making butter drop dew cookies when she realized she had run out of Baker's chocolate. She used a bar of semi-sweet chocolate instead, melting it

in. Blah, blah, blah. There you go. There you go, folks. That's bullshit. It's basically like penicillin was the chocolate chip cookie. Like, it was just a complete accident. I respect that. I'd take the chocolate chip cookie over penicillin, personally. The chocolate chip cookie, that's better than fucking Brady and the –

that's better than anything you guys got. The chocolate chip cookie is, like, one of the most important things in the world. Absolutely. Yeah. No, it is more important than all those guys. How about the Fig Newton? Now that origin is up for debate. One claim is that it was invented by a Philadelphia inventor named James Henry Mitchell

in 1891. Another claim is that it was invented by Charles Martin in St. Petersburg, Florida. Who knew? It's a top salad. So if you want to walk around claiming something, claim you invented the Fig Newton because at best you can say, well, it's debated. I think it's great to claim like Dusty Baker claiming he invented the high five. Yeah. That's an amazing thing that nobody can really prove you wrong on.

Bobby Valentine invented the wrap. The wrap? The one who invented the internet? He invented the high five yeah that's an amazing thing that nobody can really like prove you wrong on bobby valentine invented the rap or invented the internet he invented the rap sandwich yeah bobby valentine did that's what he claims yeah that's a fact brother no kidding wow how about that can you disprove it i can't no i can't coming up with that kind of stuff is amazing it's just like i invented the fist bump i invented that the, you know, it's like, I don't know. I thought the high five was a guy that had HIV. Really? You ever heard that? No. No, look it up.

Seriously. No, it really is. What? Was it because he had HIV or that was just a high five? No, no, it's just like a crazy ironic. Look up high five inventor. It's not Dusty Baker. I forget the guy's name.

I think the high five is specifically what we're talking about. Yes. Because Dusty was like, I invented like, there was the slap, but I did the high five. Look up the high five. I can't believe you don't know this story. Is it just because it's high and then V? Like Roman numeral five? Well, that's what's so ironic about it.

It's one of those things. Like the guy that invented the toilet's name is Crapper, I believe. Really? Yeah. These are all things that... Put it up, baby. The guy... Show us this guy.

This guy's got the material. I think it's Crapper. Invented the toilet. Yeah. Yes. Okay, now look up high five. Wait, so is that why the toilet's called the Crapper? Well, you...

I don't know. Some people probably are saying that. Other people are probably saying it's Fucking crap Or did you Call it the crapper And then he started Calling shit crap Boy I don't know

Like who invented The word crap for shit Cause that It's a chicken and the egg But then you get Really deep You're like Who decided

It meant shit And language In general And hieroglyphics I don't get it That's why Shakespeare is Crazy

He's credited with Like 40% of the Fucking language Yes he's very good I've read articles in general and hieroglyphics. That's why Shakespeare is crazy. He's accredited with like 40% of the fucking language. Yes, he's very good. I've read articles. I understand. I read the Cliff Notes. Did you read Cliff Notes? Cliff Notes?

Oh, I remember Cliff Notes. That's what I've read. I love Cliff Notes. I've not read the Shakespearean English. Yeah, I know a little bit about him. He married Anne Hathaway, the original Anne Hathaway. That was his wife's name. You just have a wealth of knowledge, huh? Yeah. Hisaway, the original Anne Hathaway. That was his wife's name. You just have a wealth of knowledge, huh? What?

His wife's name was Anne Hathaway. What do you think the stupidest thing you know is? Might be Anne Hathaway, the original Anne Hathaway. I want to get this HIV, because the HIV high five thing sounds so insane. I sound like a bad person. It is showing up that there was a gay outfielder on the Angels, and Dusty Baker is involved with it a little bit. Okay.

Dive in. I read slow as shit, so this might be a while okay all right the uh all that going back with the words and stuff was by me that i don't know if it was you who said it but just that the brain named itself the uh earth oh oh no yeah the first of the brain did name itself which is a weird thing to think of wait what the brain named name itself, which is a weird thing to think of. Wait, what? The brain named itself. Because you were thinking, yes, somebody was doing it. Yeah, yeah. But we don't know who invented the word Earth. We don't know who named this planet Earth. Interesting.

I think it was Dusty Baker. I'm not sure. By the way, just so you don't go ahead and get yourself canceled, I think it was just a gay guy, not someone with AIDS. I'm telling you, look further. A gay outfielder is credited with inventing the greeter. The inventor of the greeting.

It's been called a defiant symbol of gay pride. The 5-5 is a greeting in locker room sports. It would be funny if a gay guy Look up how he died. I just did. He died of AIDS-related causes. Yeah! I got a career for a little while longer. Woo!

Woo! Woo! I like the music moment. It was like, woo-hoo! The music moment. Wow. In my head, I was just like, Yes, that guy did die of AIDS!

Yeah! I'm like, pretty sure all gays had AIDS. Hello? No. He specifically had HIV. That was one of my favorite moments ever on this show. I'm No. He specifically had HIV. High five! He's dead of AIDS!

What a close one there. We almost did something fucking distasteful. Wow. We did it. But that's crazy, right? Yeah, no, that's wild. And then so Dusty Baker high-fived with him? Yes. He was the receiver of the high-five. So the gay guy is Glenn something.

He's the one claiming he invented it. I think Dusty's like, no, no, no, it was me. But I guess, like, who takes two to tango? Like, I put my hand up. Do I get credit? Yeah, if I slap it, I feel like I get credit. But if my hand's not there, you're not doing it. That's true.

This is the chicken and the egg. But you could have just been waving. This is a high-low. You're like, yeah, he scored, man! Yeah! I don't know. That feels like something to me. Like, you're...

You know, like... But if it never had been done before, why would you put your hand up like that? It is weird to watch old footage of Bobby Thompson's home run. They're all shaking his hand. They're like, nice, well done, sir.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's very weird. So, yeah, maybe Dusty was sick of it. We looked this up. When this first came out, like probably two years ago, I'd say, Baker made this claim and it became more known. And we all looked it up and we couldn't find anything to refute it. But we never saw this part.

No. Well, I mean, I guess it just depends. I bet you if I just searched Dusty Baker invented the high five, they'd probably leave out this gay guy. He definitely invented the flicking the toothpick 360 in the mouth. That's so cool. He does it. I'm like,

if you don't know at home, he takes a toothpick and flips it like 360 degrees in his mouth. It's weird. And I also, I was eating a cracker the other day and I bit down in the wrong fashion. If you bite the toothpick, your life's over. I can't imagine what happens if you happen to do that.

Failing that the first few times? I guess you probably do it like a cigarette first, right? If you could have invented anything, what would you invent? That's a great question. The vibrator comes to mind immediately. That's just what pops in first, because it's so crucial in my relationship.

There's a lot of great inventions. I mean, I guess there must be one that makes you a lot of money. You know what's probably crazy? The gun. Being like Smith and Wesson. Being like those guys. There's quite a bit of guilt there, I would think. I feel like I would be like, I don't fucking care.

Yeah, that's a good point. Kill those Indians. But if he could come back now, he might be like, what's going on? I feel like, I mean, really? We're shooting the Kindergarten? All the time? A large number of children? Every fucking, like once a day?

Boy, I thought it was going to be used for the army. And you guys are, you're mostly using them on yourselves? I feel like the best inventions ever are in no particular order. Air conditioning. TV remote. Microwave. Microwave The Microwave I've waned from I

Cause I broke my microwave And Because I don't want to put people out I just never It just I didn't break it It just stopped working And I just never email my landlord

For like a year So for like a year To warm things up I would just Cook them more on the stove That's annoying And it wasn't that big a deal Yeah

It wasn't It wasn't massive I need my You know If I had to like Heat shit up for my kids In the oven all the time It would be more on the stove. That's annoying. And it wasn't that big a deal. Yeah. It wasn't massive. I need my, you know, if I had to like heat shit up for my kids in the oven all the time, it would be a fiasco. I guess kids are different. Yeah. I would. I need the microwave.

I guess like the internet, Al Gore's internet. Yeah. Internet's cool, but it's done some damage also. I don't know. It's good and bad. Yeah. We were talking about the, we the tracing back the origins of things and what they've become.

For example, we talked about Jesus on the cross. Do you think on the cross he was like, a lot of boys in Boston are going to get raped over this? Oh my god. I can't sign off for this. What is this? I've been

sabotaged. Do you think he's like, yeah, uh, sabotaged. What the? Do you think, like, you're like, yeah, this will be good. I'm saving humanity. And it's like, this is going to be a lot of sleepless nights in Southie. I think some wars and such, too. Yeah, like, there's going to be widespread death over this one. Like, we talk about, like, the internet, where, like,

there was a time, like, probably the early 2000s when the internet was just, like, it was just guys quoting Ron Swanson and yelling bacon. And that was really it. And now it overthrows governments and things like that. Well, it's more social media, I guess. It should be specific. Because the internet is great.

The internet is just a wealth of knowledge and connecting people. And then once we decided to ruin each other's lives with it by being connected. The worst thing that the internet has done, in my opinion, is, I mean, we're talking sports, the ticket. You have no tickets anymore. I have, like, thousands of physical tickets, and now you're like, I literally am like, I went to the deciding game of the World Series. See this

QR code? We got a line of t-shirts that he's putting out that has, like, the physical ticket from classic games. I missed the ticket. Did we do the Pittsburgh one yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did make it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, Boston Games. So he puts out this line, and you start with what? First one was Poppy Game 3, the Grand Slam in the seventh.

And I was like, anyone who's got other ideas for Classic Games, reply. And someone who's a Pirates fan replied. The wild card game from 2014. The 2014 play-in game against the Cardinals. It was a good game I think I said Mazerowski's home run no no no it was like when Garrett Cole was on the Pirates

and pitched a good play-in game okay dude there you go let me put that one on sale but also that's a business idea I have and I haven't shared it on the show no one stole it yet probably means it's a bad business idea but arenas should have like they have with vendors I haven't. I haven't kept a shirt on the show. No one stole it yet. But I think that... Probably means it's a bad business idea. Probably.

Probably. But arenas should have, like they have with vendors, during a game, they should have someone going around with basically a printer and be like, for $2, does anyone want their physical ticket? And then they print it out. You get two bucks. You make a lot of money for that, probably. Let's call it you're getting an extra $20,000 a game.

Not too bad. Nothing to write home about for a major league organization, but nothing crazy. It's extra money, probably. Let's call it you're getting an extra $20,000 a game. Not too bad. Nothing to write home about for a major league organization, but nothing crazy either. It's extra money, man. And then you get to have – because my dad's a big ticket guy. We have tickets all over the man cave kind of deal where all the big games we've gone to. And it's just nice to have the physical thing.

Yeah, I think Ticketmaster now you can get it, but it's like a $20 charge. Oh, that's crazy. I was going to say the $2 is probably not enough. I think the people who want it are going to want it. Yeah? I think for $2, I'll take one, sure. I feel like it's more like when it's a classic, and then it's like I want it,

and then it's like, all right, $50 a pound. And then you're like, whatever, if you've got your heart set on it. That makes sense, too. But, yeah, I mean, that's all that. I went to the Mets game the other day, and it was bobblehead day, and I was like, what am I? You got to fucking hold this box the whole time? Like, I'm all set on that.

It's annoying, but it's fun. Once you're home with it, it sucks to hold it. This is what I did. I went to Mookie Betts' bobblehead day at Fenway, whatever amount of years ago, and I put it under my seat, and I was like, I'm not thinking about it or touching it and if it's there at the end I'll scoop it up and take it and it was

and I have it but I thought like if someone steals this I don't give a shit. I see these guys like fucking going under the seats and grabbing them all like alright maybe that Pete Alonzo garden gnome is going to be worth something maybe you'll be laughing at me and I have egg on my face but I don't know.

I'm not walking out of Citi Field balancing the boxes. The craziest one is I've actually gone to two, I've had floor seats at two wrestling events recently. I'm not much of a wrestling guy, but we did SummerSlam for an ad deal or something like that out in Vegas, and then I went to a different thing at Barclays. And what they do is they tie all the chairs together with zip ties because the floor seats all have different patterns on the seats.

And they zip tie them all together. And then at the end of the match, they come around and they just clip them all. And you can take yours home if it's your seat. Oh, wow. You can take the QR code and they'll just mail it to you. But a lot of people don't want to carry around a fucking chair. So they just leave it. And then people come rushing down from the main stands.

Like diehards come like jumping fences and just scooping up like seven, eight seats and walking out like this. It was nuts. It was absolutely nuts. See, Sal Volcano is a buddy of mine, and he has a WrestleMania seat in his house. And that must be what happened. I just thought he was rich. I also feel like the people... I kind of think the people who are sitting in those floor seats are probably like,

I don't really need this seat. So the people who are not are the ones who are like, I would love a WrestleMania chair. So the poor has come rushing down. It's the way America works. The richer you are, the more free shit you get. It's amazing. Isn't it? We had this story with Kevin Conley on from

E! from Entourage, and he was telling a story about being at the McGregor-Habib fight. People like fighting over that, right? He carried around with him, he carried that seat with him to a club afterwards, and then on a private jet, to that seat with him to, like, a club afterwards and then to on a private jet, to a dinner, to this, to there, and had it. And then he ended up, like, working out with McGregor's trainer

and was like, hey, could you have McGregor sign this for me? And the guy's like, yeah, definitely. And then he gave it to McGregor, and McGregor didn't get one of the chairs after the fight, so he just kept it. That's hilarious. What are you going to do? That's yours now, dude.

There's no stopping that. That's a better story. Then you have the story. I gave Conor McGregor his chair. Story is over physical. Yeah, 100%. I'm not a memorabilia guy, but I do appreciate a good, like, you know, I saw him after the game in the tunnel or something like that.

It's like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, exactly. I tried to, like, I have, like, a couple first print books. Somebody bought me a first print of the Dharma Bums by Kerouac, and it was so cool, and I was like, wow, and I read it, and I was like, I'm going to start a collection. And then I bought, like, another first print book, and then I'm like, what am I doing?

It's just in a fucking dust. It's just, like, sitting behind a counter. I'm like, it's not anything. I know. What's the first print run yet? That's, like sitting behind a counter. I'm like, it's not anything. What's the first print run yet? That's like an old book. So the Dharma Bums one was like 500 bucks or something. It was a gift from a wealthy friend.

It's a lot better when you're gifting. Yeah, exactly. And then I bought like a Lyndon Johnson, whatever his bio is, and it's signed by him on presidential paper. That was like 350 bucks. Really? And that was the second one I bought. And then I was like, all right.

I'm not that rich. We're good. Yeah, exactly. And I think I also bought Into the Wild was my favorite book. And John Krakauer had signed that too

and I bought that one. I think that was like $200-something bucks. I was going to say, these are cheaper than I thought they were. Yeah, it's not like the same. I think some of those classics would be like wild.

Well, I think if you got like the first, like there's multiple. Yeah whatever the first the first whatever 50 000 that went out or something like that but it's cool one right it's cool because you're like oh somebody hold held this and was at a store and it says 299 or whatever yeah yeah there's like history in it it's neat but it's only you know those things are only as as cool as someone who you're telling it to yeah you look at it I don't give a fuck about that book. Exactly. And it's like,

I'm not wealthy enough to be collecting really expensive things. That's rich people shit. I just need to amass things that are expensive. I do get a kick out of people who are so anti this NFT revolution where they're like, I need something

physical. And it's like, well, that's just as stupid as this idea of owning something where you need to have the book. I don't know. Just going to sit there on a shelf. I don't like that. I can't even read a book on a Kindle still. I need a physical I read it.

But that I can understand because you're doing something with it. When you finish a book, do you like to own it still? Yes. I'm like, I do. It's like a trophy.

I'm like, look at me. I'm fucking smart, dude. Smarter than you. Yeah. I don't like what I do with all my women.

You keep them in a room. Absolutely. Show them off. Yeah. Tie them up. Look what I've done. They're all sad. When did this new special drop?

April 29th, so whatever that was, a couple weeks ago. Yeah, and it's got over, half a million? It's over 500,000, 530 or something like that.

Yeah. So, yeah, it feels good. I feel like it's been, I mean, YouTube has been a huge piece of the comedy world

in the last couple years where, you know, I think there was kind of a list of comics who were funnier than the, like, level of their career had shown. Right. It was like, you know, these guys are unbelievable and for whatever reason just hadn't popped yet. And now it's like, I told you so. Look.

You know, there's a lot of fucking views out there. No, no, it's exciting. And hopefully it'll keep going up. Go check it out. Where are the cameras uh uh yeah this year's material on youtube please go check it out for god's sakes but yeah it's it's this weird thing now that's like the way to do it like and it's crazy how quick a chance i did a half hour special for netflix in like 2018 and they gave me like a hundred thousand dollars and then like two years later

i did an hour special nobody was interested in comedy central i paid for it myself they gave me thirty thousand dollars for it and i spent 20 so i made a hundred thousand for an hour a half hour special and then i made ten thousand for an hour special and this one nobody bought so it's just i'm just negative two hundred thousand twenty thousand is it i mean that's i mean i feel like comedy and podcasting has just had such a boom where it's like there's just more supply. There's more competition. There's less money in it. Yeah.

It's weird. I think now Netflix, I think they want more established people. I think they're like, we want people that sell theater. Like their specials are bigger people, I guess. And I don't know. I don't know what's going on with that. But now YouTube, it's like it's so valuable to own it and then have it all break it up into Instagram.

It's like we were talking about earlier. Clips is what works. If you think about how much, once you build an Instagram presence and you can get branded deals or advertising, promo codes and all that, that's the value of your stand-up. You've got to add up all the clips you did,

all the followers you gained. It's much more of a long play, but it's certainly the way. I think unless you are... I said this the other day to somebody. Unless you are desperate for the money, or...

Keep it yourself. Control it. Well, then you own it yeah i mean it's like and and things change like youtube has been around for 20 years or whatever and will be around because people use it but like netflix could die at some point and then you're like where's my special yeah exactly and um and some people don't have netflix and then it can get buried in there it's like the people that know you can go find but youtube it's got the algorithm and they can search it always i think there's also a level like probably back in like 2018 where when netflix put out a comedy special

it was funny like you knew it was going to be good right and i don't know if that's always the case now well that's you talking but uh yeah you know they're doing whatever they're doing and um yeah joe didn't say it? No, but someday maybe I'll go back. But no, I think YouTube is great, and it's so accessible. Everybody has it, and it's nice to give it for free because now it's like you make your money with people coming. I'd rather everybody see it and then go, we've got to go see this guy.

I think Shane had said that when he was talking about putting stuff on YouTube or whatever, and he's like, yeah, I see what that changes because I'm on the road. I see how many people it brings to shows. And the tickets just go through the roof. I did much better after my last YouTube special than I did after the Netflix. Really? That's the name of the game.

You make more money that way than one lump sum. And then hopefully the road's big enough that you sell theaters and then you do get a big special payout. But yeah, if you don't, you've got to be a grind. Yeah, it's fucking. No, it is. But it's fun.

I mean, it's a fun grind. It's working for certain. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that. I think that's something you kind of nod your head and you go, yeah, there are a lot of fucking days. I'm like, I wish I was just a regular old job going to an office for nine to five and i could go home afterwards well for me i mean like i don't want to get dark here but it's like when you're do work i worked before when you have a job at least you're like okay i'm doing the thing with comedy i'm like i write for like a half hour then i'm like i should kill

myself it's just like it's a lot of downtime and um there's definitely a lot of like staring and being like, maybe I'll watch a movie. Should I write a book? What should I do? I don't know what to do. I found like when I was younger, I don't know, maybe once I had kids and shit, it's different for me now. Like I used to like finish up the day of work at Barstool at like noon, and I would bang out like a whole season of television like no problem. And nowadays I find myself being like, I shouldn't – I don't know. I should be doing more.

Yeah. I am just like – I can just watch movies in the middle of the day i don't you know what i mean i don't know why i have like a guilt about it now but there it is it is just about occupying occupying this guy enough that he doesn't start thinking on his own yeah exactly and it's i tweeted that the other day it didn't do great but i thought it was a good point it's like everyone when you're growing up everyone's like live life to the fullest man you gotta live life and so that's like the worst thing that ever happened to me because everything i do i'm like should i be reading right now should i be doing push-ups should i fuck my wife should i call my buddy should i what should i do and so you're

always like is this full i'm sitting here like in my backyard smoking a cigar being like maybe i should be watching you know the godfather right like no, I saw that. I should, whatever. Yeah, but I guess it's kind of unrealistic. It is. We were just talking about Logan Paul. He has this series that he called 99 Originals. He did like 99 things in 90 days or something like that. And he took a picture at a Polaroid and he's selling them as an NFT and all this shit. But more importantly, for the last three months, he skied the Alps.

He wrestled at WrestleMania. He went to every landmark in the world. He fought Floyd Mayweather. and all that shit. But more importantly, for the last three months, he skied the Alps. He wrestled at WrestleMania. He went to every landmark in the world. He fought Floyd Mayweather. He did literally all there is to do in the world. And I was like, that guy did more in three months than I'm going to do the rest of my God-given life. Well, it's like the old saying,

wherever you go, there you are. You still have to live with your own thoughts and stuff. I'm trying to just get this as depressing as possible but well that's what we do that's funny you're fitting in very well i i i used to go i i when i was in college i went to a lot of different colleges and eventually my mom was like just you understand like you just saying that reminded me of it just you understand wherever you go you're there and i was like what do you mean by that actually exactly you said you you're the common you're there that's the issue here i was like yeah i was like i see so i need to fix other

things it might not be the state school or the the rural school or the school the city campus it's that's what i was convinced that's what it was every time of course no what it really was on you're, son. You're the problem. Which I say it was her. She raised you. She's the problem. I don't know this woman, but she could have used a few more hugs. Probably.

Probably. Probably could. Maybe. No, but I mean, that's also part of the game. I mean, I don't know. I find there's just something inherently funnier about darker thoughts darker thoughts and sure right i don't know it's like nobody likes guys happy no how many funny people are happy come on no contentment is the opposite of creativity that's why that's why i think you got you got like a prime as a comic too it's like all right you made too much money you're too happy you're too successful you're not funny anymore of course i need you when you're miserable

no i was talking about this the other day. I was promoting this special and someone was like, you're promoting too much. You sound desperate. I'm like, I am desperate. I'm fucking desperate. I'm hungry. I spent 20 grand on this fucking thing. I have no backup plan. It is desperate. Yeah, when you have that safety net, you put out whatever, do whatever.

Oh, it didn't work. Who cares? Right, right. Alright, so everybody go watch the special on YouTube. Yes, please. This year's material, Joe List YouTube. Yes, YouTube, Joe List, this year's material. Type in Joe List. It'll come up.

Subscribe, like. And it's good, by the way. It sounds like I'm like, I spent all my money. Please watch it. I'm like, it's really good. I asked you if I should have mentioned this in the story, but on the train on the way to South Station where I met the cabbie, I was watching this year's material.

It was very, very good. Oh, thank you. There's a lot of jokes. If you like jokes, it's very old school. It's jokes. Punch lines, wordplay. Yeah. It's a lot of jokes.

When we were in Nashville, we were out with Soder, and he was talking about – Oh, he was the third man in that video. Oh, in that story. Oh, shit. We got another half hour ago we were talking about um so so i wasn't drinking that night i was it was just like we just got in nashville it was early night i wasn't drinking so soda saw me drinking no duels and was like he's like we doing nas and i was like yeah so we ended up drinking like he had 10 non-alcoholic

beers like two buckets of O'Tools. His stomach was so full. That's hilarious. Me and Soder were just slamming non-alcoholic beers. And then he was telling a story that – Oh, so anyway, when I brought over the fucking bucket of them, Gillis saw Soder grab one and immediately started celebrating. He thought it was a regular beer.

He thought Soder was off the wagon. Yeah, he's off the wagon. Not even a moment of, like, you sure? It was just like right away. And Soder was like, look, if I'm going to break my sobriety, I'm putting together a dream team, and I'm not doing it here. I'm doing it in New Orleans. Who's on the dream team?

And it was Bargatze. It was you oh wow um it was i forget who else there were a couple other people but all this is to say is who would be on your dream team of of going out for the night wow boy that's interesting it's funny because i mean i drank with those guys you didn't always go great i don't know what so wait but but the the the shoe story was also joe right yeah was me, yeah. The story about the girl shitting in a shoe. Yeah, shit in a shoe. You were the shitter, right? I was the shitter, yes.

Yeah, and we've been debating this since Nashville. Like, was it a rogue shit that found its way? Did you hold a shoe underneath? Did you squat on top of a shoe? How does it end up in the shoe? I don't know exactly. I was a bit, my memory's a little foggy. But basically what I remember is I woke up,

I was in someone's bed, and the first thing I thought was, I have to piss so bad right now. Like it was like that bladder explosion. I was like, I gotta find a, I don't know where I am, but I gotta find a bathroom because if I piss my pants, this is gonna be humiliating. So I went to the bathroom,

peed for like four minutes straight, and I'm trying to figure out where I am. And then I went into the living room and the table had been like chris farley like the legs were broken out just completely shattered and i don't know if you've ever had this feeling when you look at something you're like no it that was definitely me that was me i'm 100 sure and i kind of was like all right and then by the way it was a living thing like i did that yeah i'm connected to that table i know i ruined it that's me absolutely and I had a living thing. I did that. Yeah. I'm connected to that table. I know I ruined it. That's me. Absolutely.

And I had a, I mean, the full story. I had a flight to Seattle that day and I was going for a month for the Seattle comedy competition. And so the flight was leaving in 20 minutes. I went back to the bedroom. Oh, it was so bad. And then I saw like literal footprints of shit in the kitchen leading back into the bedroom. There was like a Nike high top and there was like a nike high top and there was like a spiky shit like somehow not a diarrhea shit yeah right pretty impressive like

a log was sticking out of the out of the young man yes out of the top of a big log sticking out of the shoe and then a big urine stain no one trick pony here i had a big puddle, and so I took my sock and I scooped up the shit. It wasn't like a long... It was like a... It was like a... He's a puker. Continue. I would say like a baseball type of thing. Like a ball. Yeah. A ball of shit. Shitball, yeah. Yeah, a couple...

Oh, my God. Is this going to be all right? Yeah, he'll puke. Oh, my God. I feel terrible. He's a pussy. Don't worry. All right. So anyways, I took the sock, grabbed the shit, and I flipped the sock inside out. It's like a doggy bag. Yeah, exactly.

Tossed that in the trash, and then I tried to get some of the shit off of the kitchen floor, but it was pretty mashed, and I had to get the hell out of there. So wait, is there shit all over your feet? Was it shoe prints or footprints? I think it was like off the sock. There was some shit on the sock. It was bad. A lot of shit.

Threw the socks away. I took the trash with me. Oh, what a gentleman. Good guy. Good guy. And so I texted these women and I was like, I'm so sorry. I want to kill myself. This has never happened.

I'm a bad person. And they wrote, no, you're fine. We thought it was like fun. This is awesome, right? And I was like, holy shit. Have you seen your table and your shoes yet? I was like, these girls fucking party. This is crazy.

So I grabbed my luggage. I went to the airport. I missed my flight. Had to take the next flight. On the flight, I realized I had shit all over my pant leg and my actual leg. Inside the pants? Like outside. Like I shit down my pants.

So I like literally on a flight. This sounds like i'm joking i started to cross my leg and then i just like put it back down i was like oh shit i was in the middle you're in a cross-country flight in the middle seat covered in shit yes it was actually those two people must have been like yo the guy sitting next to me on the flight i think he's covered in shit it was bad and it was from boston i the new flight took me to boston so i had like a half hour flight to b and then Boston and Seattle. And of course I was on an airplane,

or my phone was off at that time. This was years ago. And then when I turned my phone on, it was like a six hour flight. I had a bunch of texts from the girls being like, oh my God, we had no idea how bad it was. You're a horrible person. I was like, that's more like it.

That makes more sense. So the crazy thing about it was they had gone to work. So this didn't happen at 4 a.m. This happened at like 10 a.m. It was daytime. Wait, you shitting and breaking the table happened in the daytime? I believe unless they just didn't see it. Or maybe they slept in a different room.

Wait, I'm saying they didn't realize it. They didn't realize it until they came home. Possibly. I didn't realize it until they came home. Possibly. I don't know. Because my hypothesis was like, did I do this at like 845 and they had just already left for work? Or maybe they just didn't see it. That's what I'm thinking. I think they probably got up in a fog too and just went.

Yeah, because they were banged up too. Yeah. And then they come home and they're like, oh, wait a minute. This guy ruined our whole apartment. Yeah, I destroyed their lives. But so I wrote this like long apology. and they're like, oh, wait a minute. This guy ruined our whole apartment. Yeah, it destroyed their lives. So I wrote this long apology. I still have it.

It's on Facebook because it was a Facebook message. It saves it forever. The message is like 14 feet long when you're scrolling. I sent him $300 because that's the amount of money I had, which I don't know if Nate told you this part. I called Nate and I was like, is that too much? I feel weird. And Nate's like, I don't think there's an amount you can send that's going to be too much. I don't think those girls are going to go, wow, I made up for it with 300 bucks.

No, it was bad. So I sent like 300 bucks and this long, long apology and a card. And luckily they were like 22 years old because they were like, they were just out of college. So they were like, that was crazy. But that's a funny story. If they were in their 40s, I'd be like in jail. i'd be getting out of prison right now sure yeah how old were you i was i think 28 it was 2000 it was election day 2010 midterm elections it was whatever that was tuesday november you can find the day a classic party yeah 2010 so i was 28, almost 29.

The weight. You're all right. You're all right. You're still in that league. You're good for a couple of shifts. And if you're doing it with younger people, that's fine. Yeah. And by the way, I drank that night.

I was like, I'm going to drink again at some point. So I started banging back that night, which is, you know. To not even have a moment of. When things get so bad, I did that with money. When I was going through my divorce, I got so broke that i was like well what's you know if i only have a hundred dollars left or fifty dollars left or zero dollars left i have no money so i might as well fucking just spend it you know yeah yeah when you when it gets so bad that you're like well this is this is a problem anyway so i'm just gonna keep on going yeah no it was it was bad but what was horrible

for me what's not helpful is all my friends were wild animals. Like, Bargatze was, like, howling. He could not stop laughing. He's still, he's like, it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. The way the story was told, like, Soder was talking to Nate, and Nate, like, you know, in Nate's voice, of course, like, you got to talk to Joe. Like, call him right now.

You got to get this story. No, he was dying. That is one of the best of all time. And I got another buddy, a comic from Boston named Ira, and I i called him and he's like dude i've done that like five times like literally and he's like i'm serious like i did it like three weeks ago i did it at my wife's mother's house and i was like oh all right like which is the exact opposite what i needed yeah i needed someone to be like this is a huge problem like all right let's go drinking i was like okay great everyone's like that's funny i was like i got four more to go i got one two three you're six rogue shit i've never had a shit i've had

i've had rogue pisses but the shit is i'm telling you man that should be your the machine just lean into it yeah tell it at every show it is so goddamn funny it was wild the only i tell it on stage sometimes and i'll say, when I was 20 years old, I shit in a girl's shoe, I pissed, and I fell through her table. And the only thing not true about that is I was 30 years old. I think it was, somebody said,

they were like, if your dog, oh no, it was my buddy Derek. He's like, if your dog did that, you would hit it. You'd be like, you'd send it to a fucking kennel. You're like, Jesus. If your dog did that, you would consider killing it. We have to put this thing down.

It's out of control. But my wedding gift, Nate showed up at my wedding, and my wedding gift was literally a book that was actually called Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe. It was a dog. It's a real book. Yeah, yeah. But it's about dogs.

And it's Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe. That is an all fucking timer right there. It was bad. bad but you know and then i almost i tried to go like i apologized to the women and then i messaged one of them or no i bumped into her because she worked at caroline's and i said i got i had an extra ticket to go see a letterman taping i'm like you don't want to go do you and she was like yeah i'll go and then something ended up coming up maybe her roommate was like you cannot hang with this person but they were actually quite empathetic, which I was always grateful for.

They were sweet. Who among us? Who among us? I think being a dick in a situation like that, I've had not the same thing happen, but I've had girls who came over and peed in the corner. Whatever your bad thing is. Or I've had girls who don't kick a mother down. One time it was a lot of blood.

What the hell happened last night? Sounds like The Godfather 2 She was laughing It really was She had left It was a hotel in D.C. or Baltimore And she had left already And it was a girl who I kind of knew

But that was the first time I remember hooking up And I called her I was like, yo, are you okay? And she's like, yeah And I was like It was kind of you okay? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, it was kind of like a pause. I mean, it's a pregnant pause in a text conversation. She goes, this is about the bed, right? Yeah, it's about the bed.

Yeah, it's about the bed. It's about the fucking bed, dude. And she's like, sorry, I didn't have a tampon. I had a period. And I guess it went everywhere. And I was like, Jesus Christ. But that's like everybody's had a moment. And if you kick them while they're down.

Yeah, I was obviously like, oh, obviously, no big deal. I just wanted to make sure you didn't get a cut that night or whatever. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was wondering. You're bleeding out the eye there. But it was like, if you kind of pile on like, what is wrong with you? It's like, I know I shouldn't have shit and broken your table. Yeah. That wasn't my goal heading into the night.

Yeah, it's like, I do feel bad. I was telling that story the other day. I was at a comedy club once in Calgary, and the guy was a maniac. And I did a show, and he's like, I want you to do a new... He's like, I want you to do well. Do the old. I want you to do well. And I was like, well, I want to do better than you want me to do.

I'm not tanking on purpose. I have more invested than you do. I'm not thrilled with how it went. He's like, you should try a little more. I'm like, I'm trying. I'm really trying's like you should try a little more I'm like I'm trying I'm really trying my hardest I promise this is hard

that's such Canadian heckling unless I want you to do well I do too yeah this means more to me than you I know you own the place

but like this is my life these are my ideas oh shit alright we're gonna go next door if you got more time we're gonna do a video for Answer the Internet

oh wait we never got your who would your drinking crew be? Oh, jeez. Oh, I forgot. If you were to come out of retirement, give us – you do four – they don't have to be friends. They can be total strangers, celebrities. Oh, boy. I mean, like, Bill Lee, speaking of sports, I love Bill Lee. And he's like a storyteller and loves beer.

That would be something. He just did the – was that Savannah Bananas he came out through oh i don't strike out spaceman bill lee right yeah yeah he came out of the stands with a beer in his hand and like had been drinking and then struck out like uh what one of the guys understood savannah bananas do all this weird stuff oh fun they're no oh they're awesome they're not like it's like a hauling globetrotters of baseball oh they have guys on stilts. They have people with flaming bats. If you catch a foul ball, it's an out.

It's like a mockery of the game of baseball, but it's a lot of fun. Oh, someone was just – I think I just heard about this recently. Yeah, it's cool. It's like they just played – He looked great, too. I'm going to see if I can pull it out. I'll show you off air, but it is the – Oh, he's the best.

He was moving pretty good. But I never drank with Shane. Shane came after I stopped drinking, so that might be fun. That would be... But I picture us just screaming at each other. Shane is a fucking... Yeah, no, he's a boozer, though. Because I'm not fully sober, but I'm basically, for all intents and purposes, I am.

And the pressure is a lot, and I'm always like, I don't know if I can keep up. I don't know, man. No, Shane was trying not to drink one weekend. We were both in Tacoma and we went to the Monster Trucks. I went with my buddy and his family and we had an extra ticket and I was like, come. And then he was like, I'm not drinking.

He's like, I don't know how you do that. We were talking about not drinking and some guy was like, Shane Gillis, I want to buy a beer for Shane Gillis. And he's like, I got some drinking. And you're like, well, that was that. That's the way it goes, I guess. For a long time. Let's go. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.