KFC Radio - The Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson Fight was TERRIBLE ft. Steve Furey

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:59 Kevin won't admit he's a bad driver 27:42 Kevin chaperoned a slavery field trip 36:40 The short picture of Dave + worst photos of Barstool 44:27 WSD vs Cons 1 Mile Race 53:49 Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson Fight t 01:08:16 UFC Fight 01:13:49 Can Feits run a Jet Sweep? 02:06:05 Steve Furey Interview Links: 01:08:49 Jon Jones Spinning kick video: https://www.instagram.com/insidefighting/reel/DCdnr9nRGFS/ 01:15:12 Jet Sweep video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4qu_gwEIoM +++++++++++++++++ Presented by Jackpocket: New customers, use code KFC and you’ll get your first ticket free at https://jackpocket.onelink.me/sY17/KFC GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non-withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawing. Terms jackpocket.com/tos/free-ticket-promo/ Gametime: Download the Gametime app today and use code KFC to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! Simplisafe: Head to https://SIMPLISAFE.com/kfcradio for 60% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan. Express: Find all you need this holiday season at https://www.express.com Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code KFC. GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Max. $150 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets if your bet wins. Bonus Bets expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: dkng.co/dk-offer-terms. Ends 1/5/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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Took my first Omeprazole in three days. Feeling groovy. What's that? My Omeprazole. I just haven't been taking it. No, but what is that? That's chest heartburn? Heartburn.

Heartburn. Yeah. Yeah. You would have thought this dude's on like a party drug or something. I'm zooming, baby. Ready to go. Got my heartburn in check heart burning just like i just did a fucking nice line i'm feeling fresh and real good dude yeah your body's probably like thank

like it's probably like putting out a fire literally inside your body yeah like someone just with a hose oh dude last night i was laying back going uh do you have regular herper what's up do you have regular her I have I remember yes yes he takes so much Harper medicine it gives it to mention yeah well yeah but I didn't you could you could like like set the moon's lunar eclipses to my heart burn it's that on schedule yeah it's gonna cycle I'm fucking every morning I wake up I got a period every day of the week. I'm pretty sure somebody jumped off a building on 29th Street.

When? Right now, I think. Really? There's a whole bunch of cops blocking off 29th Street. They're not letting anybody even walk down the streets. That means somebody's on the sidewalk, right? That's not something I'd like to see. That's not like, you know.

That's like you stop traffic, but if you can't walk through, that means there's something. Yeah. And there was a bunch of cops in the middle of the block, and then on either side of the block with it roped off. I was like, somebody jump down that way. That's New York, man. Did you see that video I posted the other day when I walked out of the office?

Just a guy just fucking laying in the middle of the side. He's always there, though. In the middle like that? Yeah. Wow. That's ballsy. Good for him. It bothers me because he just, he like, I can like pick a side. Right. Like just get, though. In the middle like that? Yeah. Wow. That's ballsy. Good for him. It bothers me because I can pick a side.

Right. Just get. Get. Get. Get scrammed. Get out. You can't be in the middle. It doesn't look like that home effort is working.

I just took it. I'm still settling in. I did it again. I've done it once again. And still the undisputed champion of getting caught with a suspended license. No way. Kevin Francis Clancy. Dude, you know what you should do? You should fix your license suspension.

Yo, what's up? Okay. Okay. Here's the thing. That's like, that's primo A one way to not be catch a sin. Here's the fucking thing, man. It was the same fucking thing that happened again. I get a ticket. I pay the ticket. First of all, paying the ticket's hard

enough as it is. Every time I go to pay a ticket, I try to pay it right away. It says, tickets in the last seven to ten days might not be there. Well, then guess what's not fucking happening? Me paying this ticket. Ten days from now, that shit is gone. The ticket is gone. It's out of my brain.

I am now on to well they're never going to catch me mode yeah you got about seven hours where i might fucking pay that ticket seven to ten days see you the fuck later so even and so even despite that every now and then i'll start to rack up a parking ticket or just or i get uh probably not depressed and i'm like i gotta take care of my shit and i pay pay the ticket. When you pay the ticket, these rat fucks at the DMV, I think only in New York, but maybe everywhere, but I know for sure in New York, they have something called the driver assessment violation fee. That is 70 extra bucks that I think they are just like, give us 70 fucking more dollars. Cause there dollars because it means nothing.

Driver assessment. I've never seen anything connected to it. There's no ticket. There's no nothing. It's just you have to pay another 70 extra bucks. But where you pay the ticket, you can't pay the fucking $70 fee. So I pay the ticket and they're like, you got to go over here. Then I got to go. So where I have to go is I got to go to my DMV. They made it like a thing now. You got to fucking sign into it. And when I sign up, when I sign in, they're like, you, I'm trying to sign up. And then they're like, you already have a registered name with this email address. So then I put the email address in and it's like, you got to put in your security questions. And then I put in the security questions and they're like, to finalize the security questions, you got to put in your password. And I put the password in and it tells me it's already registered, and it just does this fucking circular thing. It just keeps going.

I can't get into the fucking thing to pay it. And then when that happens, I'm like, well, guess what's not happening? I'm not paying the $70 fee because I've – I mean, what else? Oh, am I going to go to the DMV? I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. You have to make it easy to pay for things people want to buy. Like when you're selling a t-shirt, it's like two clicks.

Boom, boom. It's going to be two clicks and they won't buy it. Anything more than that. And that's something I want. Yes. Let alone something I'm like, fuck you, man. So I have like a cord that I plug into my fucking thing so I can talk through the car. Yeah, yeah.

And that – it's a USB cord. And that like broke just over time. That's another thing where just chargers stop working after like, I don't know, a few years, a couple years. Chargers just don't work anymore. Yeah. They bend or whatever. It just doesn't work. I'm just like, okay, throw that in the garbage.

That's another thing I got to buy. So I plugged in like the USB-C and that doesn't go through the car the same way so i was just i wasn't like driving like this you know but i just had it like this that i think should be allowed because that's the same thing if i'm like sipping a water if i'm doing this with the fucking radio yeah that's like if i understand if you're like being an asshole but this yeah that Yeah. That's like, come on. That and my rule that drinking and driving should be legal. That too.

That too. If drinking and driving is going to be legal, this has to be legal. Wait, what's your thing on drinking and driving? You should be able to drink and drive as long as you can blow a point away. What's the difference? You can literally be in the car with a beer drinking and driving. Okay. I'm not drunk. You can't go drunk driving, but you can drink and in the car with a beer drinking and driving okay I'm not drunk

you can't go drunk driving but you can drink and drive as long as you blow a.08 if I have a Bud Light this is my first sip first one yeah I'm just on the way

to the party getting warmed up yeah right I wonder actually there must be a different thing for that right it's like drinking and driving

versus driving under the influence I think it's open container open container yeah I think so the guy pulls me over and I'm like drinking and driving versus driving under the influence. I think it's open container. Open container. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. So the guy pulls me over, and I'm like, um. Okay, shoes, first of all.

Right? A little hairy. What did he say? Hairy suede? Hairy suede. That's exactly what I would name it. Yeah. Hairy suede. That's exactly what it is.

It's a little pair of Del Toros I got recently. Shout out. Plug. No free ads so the guy pulls me over and i am in the town that i just did the fundraiser for oh right and i'm like come on bro like one time for me god and i'm like i like take my hat off. I'm like, good afternoon, officer. Here is my license, Kevin Clancy. Nothing.

It goes back to his car. Another guy comes to take down more. The guy comes back. He's like, your license is good? I'm like, yeah, it's good. He comes back. He's like, no, it's not. Did you know it was not?

No, but I said it so genuinely. I was like, yeah, it's fine. Because it wasn't a lie. Because at that point, point i didn't know he did recognize you if he's asking if your license is so he goes uh so the other guy comes back and i i am the i will as obvious like as as this story plays out i will go down with the shit before i ever be like do you know who i am you know what I mean but I'm like come on this guy comes over he's young

I'm like you gotta know something right so he's nothing he's just taking down my information he's like what's your email I was like Clancy I give him my gmail and so then I was like actually can I can I change that email for a second I don't use that can I can I change that email for a second

I don't use that one anymore can I change that can I change that email because I really don't even ever use my Varsity email so it wasn't even on my brain but so I was like can I change that

and and he's like oh do you work for them I was like yeah man I was like is there anything we can do I do all this and that

I guess like I'm calling I can text all the do all this and that. I'm calling. I'm texting all the cops and shit. And they're like, once he put it in the computer, he was like, you should have said something earlier. And I was like, that's the last time you're going to do it is right away. Like, roll down the window. Let me tell you what's going on. Excuse me, I have a podcast yeah right right like that's not what i i need you to find it out somehow i gotta put like my i gotta put on my license or some shit this is clearly gonna happen again

how many tickets do you have um i i cleared everything up today uh i think it was like two grand because i i mean, I had parking tickets. That's not that bad. Yeah, it's really not that bad. It was like, because it was also late tickets. So those get, you know, it's up to like 250 bucks a ticket. So it's really only like a few tickets. It was one open thing that I paid, but I didn't pay this fucking $70 thing,

which is just the DMV's way of fucking you in the ass so did you like toad and arrested no but he so so he's like can you he's like we're gonna have to so yeah the first time this happened to me i got fucking straight up arrested handcuffs i had i was shay was maybe 18 months maybe two years old i was about to take her to daycare and i was like uh i called my nanny i was like can you come downstairs daycare, and I was like, I called my nanny. I was like, can you come downstairs? I'm being arrested. Dude, like, legit cuffed me in front of my two-year-old daughter. Like, and she's young enough that it didn't matter, but also I was like, wow, we're really doing this, huh?

Fucking put me in the back of the car in those plastic seats. I was like, my shoulder's dislocated, dude. I was like, just uncuff me. I'm not going anywhere. So I was like, I'm going to get fucking arrested again. Of course, I'm on the way to Keegan's football game. And I've got his uniform. This is another thing, by the way.

I don't know. Shout out to all the other divorced parents. You're either divorced parents who can keep your shit in order or you're divorced parents that need to just buy two of literally everything every i am going to register i'm going to create a fake kid and register a fake child for every single sport i do to have two uniforms and two everything for everything i need two of everything i'm gonna literally have to make up a kid that has like a social security number or something that i can just get to of absolutely everything. I fuck two uniforms to school,

two uniforms for two, two, two, two, two. So I got to get this, uh, uniform to the game on time.

So now, now Caitlin's calling me like, you know, the game's about to start. So I'm like, he, the cops, like we're going to,

we're going to have to impound this. He wasn't gonna arrest me. He was like, I'm going to once, once he found out like everything that was going on, I impound this. He wasn't going to arrest me. He was like, I'm going to. Once he found out everything that was going on. I actually don't even think he was going to arrest me in general. He was like, we're going to impound your car. But then once.

You can walk that way, bud. Pop that thumb out if you want. So he's like, can anybody come pick up your car, drive your car? I'm like, yeah, I got that. And so I call somebody, and they come, and he's like, do they have their license with them? And I was like, oh, make sure you have your license. And they show up, and he's like, I got to run their license. Suspended license.

I'm like, god and my dad so i had that person come to pick up my car and then my dad was coming to i was like i need you to run this fucking uniform over the field right now and then he had to pick he we all got in his car i was like this is this of course is what happened to me but it's all because the dmv fucks you in the ass and that's a $70 thing. I got a ticket. I paid the ticket. That should be enough. That should be enough. Come on. We live in a society. You got me.

You caught me. I actually think considering how often I'm on the road, I got a pretty good record. I was going to say you might have the worst record in your life.

No, I... By sheer just number probably like because you don't have tickets you don't think it's good if you drove as many hours as i drive at as many miles as i drive that's another thing i'm about to turn in my car for my lease i am so far over the mile yeah i mean so far i was like i don't even i i i texted the guy being like we're gonna have to work something out uh i think per minute in car tickets i would actually be one of the highest i think you have a delusional sense of your driving ability yeah that's yeah you i'm telling you i am in the car more than any human alive. Because I also have not taken mass transportation in about a decade now.

I am either here, car, house, that's it. And it is constant. I'm telling you, you do the math. What, maybe five tickets in the last 10, 15 years of driving everywhere? I remember being in the... I forget where we were driving. We were driving somewhere. And we were like, dude, you stink at driving.

And you were like... No, you guys just drive safe. You do it with your knees. Yeah, I'm going to drive with my knees. Your record would show differently. I don't get in accidents. No, that's my favorite. I remember when we were making fun of you I've never been in an accident

It's like a chef who just keeps feeding you slop And is like well you didn't die I'm not enjoying this either But getting a cell phone take Is different than being able to drive with your knees Yeah but it's like The peace of mind of everyone in the car Well I don't give a fuck about you guys.

But that's what the driver's intention, the driver's goal is to do. Listen, I'm driving to get me to and from. If you don't want to get in the car with me, you don't want peace of mind, figure out your own shit. Yeah, but we don't want to get in the car with you. Fine. But your peace of mind is not my responsibility. It 100% is. I promise you we're going to get there safely. If you guys

can't just trust me, then trust the process. Trust the process. You're going to get there safely. I drive with my knees all the time. Kevin's like driving with his knees texting me like I don't know what everyone's worried about. If you can't do that. You guys are a bunch of fucking pussies back there.

There's not even like I'd rather be your toes where there's like grip. There's not even like i'd rather be your toes where there's like grip something no all you need is you just you just have i mean i actually have there's like spots on um yeah on my pants certain pants that i wear all the time where that like are worn down from the fucking i was looking i was like what is that and i got in the car and it matched up perfectly the steering wheel i was like wow there it, there it is. There's your fucking answer. I don't give a shit about you guys' peace of mind. I'm sorry.

If you want a ride, you can have it, but I'm driving my way. Getting in the car with you is like driving with Devlin on the Blackout Tour. Gaz and I will still text about that sometimes. Like, dude, how did we survive that? People will be like, oh, from the partying and the drinking. No, dude. From driving a Chevy Silverado with Devlin T9 texting as we're lugging fucking 20,000 tons. That's a man who knows how to drive. If you can't T9 text and drive, then you're a bad driver.

I would argue that. You guys got to be up there with your 10 and 2 because you don't know how to drive. Think about it. Everything else you do, you don't follow all the rules you think about it think about it better drivers actually text while they're driving bro like if you put if you put uh if you put uh who's one of our guys uh who's one of our nascar guys that we love give me a name one of them just give me one we put we put Denny Hamlin in the car and we're like drive with your knees

in taxi be like yeah cause I know how to fucking drive Denny Hamlin probably would go I don't know about that guys

we're gonna be driving this thing 300 miles an hour well not the fucking stock car he gets in his fucking Toyota he's fine

so yeah did it again one of my greatest accomplishments is like oh and also my uh uh my inspection expired in june just throw that in there um i got a ticket freshman year and then it like adds every time you don't pay it oh yeah it's like so then i was like i'm not gonna pay i'm not gonna pay it because like i'm just gonna hope that this thing goes away and all my friends were like, you got to pay it. And it kept going up. And then by freshman year, it was $400. It started as $15.

It was $400. And I was like, you guys, I'm not going to pay it. I think I'm going to get away with this as soon as I graduated one way. Never had to pay it. Well, that's different too. Yeah, I feel like it was like a – And same thing happened with high school. So now I just don't even believe it.

That's what I – I feel like you can kind of get away with them. This has kind of proven positive that you can't but but there is just some sort of again i think it's on account of the depression where you just don't do things that you need to do but like i can't even fathom being one of those people that's like like even after i got my license to spend like that that day i was like all right like driving back to get my cars i gotta i gotta go like And they were like, what are you going to do? I was like, I mean, I got to do shit. I'm going to fucking just get back in my car and drive it and just, like, hope I don't, like, I'll stop texting.

I'll make sure I drive safe this time. All right, I'll try and drive safe. But I'm not. It's not even texting. You, like, look at me. kevin's like you ever remember like that girl in high school with probably jackie who was like the cool girl in school and kind of mean but like she would drive like with her foot like like on the dashboard and like just kevin and that girl the same vibe of driving yeah it's like i'm a woman and i'm telling you driving is the fourth thing i'm focused on right now and it is it is very much like yeah like when when the lights go on and

or like i know i have to pay shit i'm just like i we're just plowing through that yeah i can't it's it's but it goes beyond driving it's it's everything where it's like take care of this thing and i'm just like no no no mean, I'm with you on that. And it's obviously the worst way to live because it's just more money, more stress when it comes home to roost. But I literally can't imagine being one of those people that's just like, well, I mean, I have like a ticket and I can't like – I have to pay it. You know what I mean? Or like, yeah, like you shouldn't drive right now. It's like, I don't know.

I'm just going to fucking drive to the place. You know what I mean? like we're like yeah like uh you shouldn't drive right now it's like i don't know i'm gonna fucking drive to the plate you know what i mean being one of those like i i can't do it i'm it's not in the it's not in my blood it's just not gonna happen i i had like a similar not fight discussion this weekend with my mom where i because i was it was open roman so i was like that perfect example we talked about that the other day i got an email from our head of hr head of, whatever it's called. And it was like, yo, you still haven't done this. So I opened it up, called my mom. And I know that I'm supposed to withhold more tax than I do.

So I was trying to figure it out with my mom. And I was like, why am I even involved in this? And she's like, what do you mean? And I was like, why does this fall on me? Why is this my responsibility? I'm with you. I'm with you. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm with you.

She's like, what do you mean? It's the taxes i'm like but they know what they want like it's there it's on yes take it yeah and then give me what i get like why is it why am i involved in this needing to withhold needing to withhold more is fucking nuts because it's like yeah i signed up you have my i you know i got employment i got my w-2s, whatever. I've done my part. What else is there to be done? What the fuck is that about? The government. You are my parents. You give me my fucking allowance when I get it.

Fucking take what you want and then give me what I get. Why do I have to get it, then do math and give it back to you? It doesn't make any sense. And take the fucking right amount there's too much when it's like oh did you get money back or do you owe money why don't why don't we just do the fucking right amount you figure it out like you want the money you figure it out i can understand if if you get a bonus that is variable because they're like we did another bonus yeah but i've had it be like... My salary! Right. Like, it's the same fucking thing. Every time, you know it, it's there. Take the right fucking amount.

It just shouldn't come to me. It shouldn't... Keep what you want and give me the fucking leftovers. You can take more at this stop. Take a $70 fee. The thing for me, when pilots are like, we'll make up time in the air, it's like,

do it all the time. You could have done it in the press. Yes. Do it all the fucking time. Everybody's just, that's, I mean,

nobody's, my dad said something to me the other day. It was probably, I was ranting about this. Oh no, I was ranting about the house renovation,

which I came in here when you were gone and I was about to just like fucking explode was ranting about this oh no i was ranted about the house renovation which i came in here when you were gone and i was about to just like fucking explode and my contractor called me right before we recorded so i just have the whole conversation recorded and this guy he's a great he's a great dude i love him but like this project is really going poorly right now and i'm screaming at him and then he's like screaming back at me and we kind of like found a middle ground. I was like, all right, all right, all right.

At one point he started to do the Michael because he would just go, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. He goes, you think I want you on my ass? I know who you are. I know what you can do. And I'm sitting there recording it. I'm like, yeah, right. But you know, it is a it's it is it is it

is a little fucking crazy they opened my house in july and nothing is done i just have half a house for the whole year for the half a year the whole thing was supposed to be six months nothing's done literally nothing that's and i was like there are there was some things because as i just explained the type of person i am they were like you need to pick this thing and that thing and tell me this and that and I you know didn't do it so I'm like I can understand like that push this a week or a couple days here and there not you started my shit in in July and it's November and I still have open fucking gutted house you know what I mean that's like come on and I hired somebody else that was supposed to kind of like run point on all this and that's that's the person i'm mad at so but he's the one

i'm mad at her for like not responding to shit that's part of the problem he responds so he calls me and so i'm good with him but i'm just taking off you know what i mean by the end i'm like i'm not mad at you i'm not mad at you dude but that not mad at you, dude. I'm mad at you. But that was very funny. Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! So you're not going to bad mouth me on your show, right?

Dude, I mean. I do. I think when this is all. We started. Me and Pav started putting out renovation shit in July. Being like, all right. The whole plan was like, we want to do some home renovation content. Because that's such a big thing.

And we started it. And there was like so much appeal to it and then i just i don't have anything left i don't have any update but i also think part of the process is this shit because like everybody i think this is pretty extreme um and it really isn't his fault i want to i don't want to put him down too much because like we found out we needed to do the air conditioning and heating that was broken so i needed to do that much because we found out we needed to do the air conditioning and heating. That was broken. So I needed to do that first. Then we found out the fucking roof is broken. I was like, I got to do that first. Like classic KFC mush type shit.

I went back. I don't know if I told this on the air. Dude went up to my roof and checked it. And he came down and he was, I want to say Polish. And so he had like this thick Polish accent. He was like, I'm offended by this. He literally said he was offended by how bad the roof was. He was like, this is, I am offended by this. Literally said he was offended by how bad the roof was. He was like, I've never, he was like, yeah, I can't do a Polish accent.

But he was like, in all my years, I've never seen a house with a roof this bad. Like, just literally like band-aids, just over holes. So I needed to redo the whole roof. And like, I go back to my inspection. When you get a house, you get an inspection. And it's just like, slate roofs are some of the strongest roofs in the world they can literally last like 400 years like there's

a couple spots you need to patch up but otherwise good to go and it's like nope I need to spend like $120,000 to fix this roof slate roofs are perfect not this one but in general I started to like google it because I was like clearly not and there are though like in in Spain, there are fucking museums and historical buildings that have this original slate roof from the 1600s.

Mine was in 1930, and it's shot. So, yeah, not that one. So it's not totally his fault. But game time is the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. So it's not totally his fault. Game Time is the official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports. We love getting out to live events, whether we're talking about comedy, you just want to see Soder, whether you're doing Broadway, whether you're doing a concert.

Rockettes in town this weekend. I was already starting that up. The whole month now. Whether you're doing sports, any live event, GameTime has you covered with the easiest app to use and the up-to-the-second pricing. Right now, they have the GameTime Picks deal. You open up the app. You put on GT Picks at the top of the app, and it cuts out all the bullshit on the secondary market and feeds you all the tickets that you need. So you don't have to sift through all of the way-too- the way to high price all the shitty tickets everything that's in your price range that are good seats that are good purchases good good for good prices they feed them directly to you so you don't have

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and use promo code KFC to score great deals with the new GameTime picks. What time is it? GameTime who? She's never going to get it. Jackie goes, GameTime who?

GameTime who? GameTime who? GameTime who goes I wish the mic picked that up What was the other thing Oh I got it I chaperoned I chose to chaperone Shay's field trip last week And I didn't know where we were going And for some reason

We have like a family calendar That we share And it said Radio City Because I think that's another field trip later in the year. I was like, it feels a little early to do the Christmas stuff, but maybe we're doing that. And we did not go to Radio City. We did not do that. We went to a super, super slavery museum in Yonkers.

Super slavery. Super slavery. We were really good guys it was the uh there was some like uh it was called the phillips house which is like the phillips family ruled this this area of of westchester and so they were like the big dogs so we were there was like one part of their house that was still original and the rest has been built in this little museum. And like we start out talking about the spice trade and they like, they were like teaching the kids about different spices.

The invention of the stock market. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Wait, explain. The East India Trading Co. couldn't compete with the various – the British, but the East India was the British. East India Trading Co. invented the stock market in the sense like they sold shares in their company. Oh. That's how they could afford to move around so much.

So they're teaching all about just like literal spices. They're like handing out these little like actual spices. Like, smell it. Like, what is this? What is that? But I see like the map they got up there and I'm like i think i know where this is going because it's got the triangle trade and all sorts of lines going like this way and that way and i was like i know how these spices got to that bot spot and i know what they're doing you know and so in the beginning it's all just they're grinding up the spices look at that like it's

like cinnamon and then they're like, and they went to Africa and kidnapped people and made them work for free. And I was like, oh my God. And they're like, and this little girl's like, they didn't pay them for the work?

And they're like, no, they didn't. They enslaved them. I was like, I was like, out of every – I literally on a whim, I never check my email again. This all checks out, right? But I happened to see this email at the top of my inbox like a couple weeks ago. Like we need people to chaperone. I was like, cool, let's do it.

I'm like, of course, the one I pick is this fucking thing. So I'm literally sitting there going like, oh, I'm making faces like, are you fucking real? And they're like, yeah, they wanted to make as much money as they could. So they made people work for free. And I was like, oh, shit. And then we move on and there's like a video screen that kind of has this like hologrammy AI type thing. And it's a slave. And they press play, and it's like, when I was a six-month-old baby,

they stole me in the night from my mother's arms and dragged me to blah, blah, blah. And I'm watching the kids kind of go like, I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me, man. So they're old enough that they're kind of like, what the fuck's going on? But they're young enough that they're just like, you got to be fucking kidding me, man. And so they're young enough. They're old enough that they're kind of like, what the fuck's going on? But they're young enough that they're just like, whatever. But then the final, the final piece, I'm like, the whole time, I'm like, get me out of here, dude.

It was a whole day from like nine to till school closed. We're there. I was like, I am literally dying right now. And then there was this interactive screen and it had a knob and you turn it and it goes from like 1600 to 1800 and what it does on the screen is it has um the population of the area so in the beginning of the 1600s it's all purple and that means this this is where the native americans the muncie tribe, it's like all of them. And as you turn it, like we start to colonize and it turns yellow.

And then as you turn it more, it starts to put spots on. And that was the slave population in that area. And so the kids are kind of turning it and like looking at it. And the group that I'm chaperoning, because because they split the group it's a couple white kids and a couple black kids and this little black girl is turning it and oh they didn't they segregated it yeah so she's turning it and i and they're like what is this i'm like oh this is the different like people that live there and she turns it and she's like which one are we and i was like

i don't know i froze i was like i don't know the answer here man you have to ask one of the experts like you know it's just probably descendant wise you're the spots but also i don't know girl now you're like yeah you're the yellow now but like literally back then you're probably the spot i was like go talk to your parents they probably can answer this i am certainly not qualified to talk to a third grader. Remember I said this a couple months ago, like relatively recently on the podcast. I was like, they kind of just yada yada slavery when you're a kid in class.

I think they, I don't really remember what I learned. I don't remember, we definitely went on field trips like this, but I don't remember. I knew literally, but they didn't really drive home how fucking horrendous slavery is. You know what I mean? I remember, obviously, emancipation and all that, but it was more to me about the trade and the spices and the cotton and not the horrific shit that we did to people and i obviously

understand it's probably what you know the part of the problem and the way they teach it or whatever but i was like they focused on like here's a good solution we found they didn't focus on how the problem came about exactly exactly that we did some good shit we freed the slaves how'd they get there don't worry about that. Exactly that. Exactly that. And this was fucking the real deal. I was like, this is probably why they yada yada'd it.

Because I was like, I don't want to talk to these third graders about this shit again. Maybe when we're in high school, we can talk about this. I can't be talking about babies being stolen in the night and shit. That's going to be questions that come home. That needs to be done by the fucking teacher, dude. I can't. And you're not even my kid. I definitely can't talk to you.

I was like, I for sure cannot talk to you about this. You're going to go home and be like, you know, some white man that was at the fucking field trip said yada yada. I'm like, listen, I don't know. I plead the fifth on this one. I gotta go fix my license. Get me out of here. I got the kids after me right now. I can't catch another kid.

I remember in fifth grade, it was like we were learning about colonial times. And I had asked, I was like, I was like, okay, so if times and i had asked i was like i was like okay so if they didn't have like hot like they were talking about like how there was like not really hospitals or something and i was like wait so how did they and they talked about childbirth earlier so i was like wait so how did they deliver babies and the girl like the tour guide or whatever like laughed in my face it was like when you're older when you're older you'll understand that that's a very difficult question and i was like i feel like that was like

not a dumb question and every year on my birthday i ask myself was that a dumb question am i old enough to know that that was dumb and every go nope i still stand by that fucking question she pisses me off every single fucking day. When you're older, you'll realize. I mean, I have like seven more years left, so maybe. Maybe, yeah. Well, the question was how. It was how do you deliver a baby if not in the hospital?

It's a fair question. Like, I get like it's not, I wasn't like. Listen, the baby's just coming out. We get that. Yeah yeah the baby's coming out like i don't know you do an at-home birth now i figure it out i don't think it was a stupid question enough to laugh at the class and say when you're older you'll understand that was a stupid question you dumb lady not even when you're older you'll understand it fifth grade it's a super fair question for a fifth grader. Such a fair question.

I still think about it today when I hear that people do an at-home birth. I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? The amount of shit that can go down when you're giving birth? I mean, like, literally, people used to just die all the time doing it because shit went wrong. Yeah. Well, maybe when we're older, it won't. Oh, man. What else we got?

Is there Barstool? Oh, have you seen the video of Dave looking at that picture? I have not, no. It is so fucking – do you guys know what I'm talking about? A new short Dave picture came out. Oh, I saw it. I don't miss. Yeah, wherever he was, yeah.

And Dave, first of all, it was legitimately like that meme of like, hey, babe, wake up. Like new Dave picture drops. And he's on his phone and he's like, this can't be real. This is not possible he's he is flabbergasted by being short which i think we have we've done this enough times like and the the crowd around him dude dan's like is that a quigs that might be a quigs and austin is like no no no it's 0.5 it's a 0.5 picture you're in the middle it's it's, it's 0.5. It's a 0.5 picture. You're in the middle. It's a depth. That's such a girl move that it's like, no, no, no, no, no, it's 0.5.

That's exactly what it was. No, no, no, it's the lighting. And he's just like next to a dude who's like, I don't know, 6'2 or some shit. And looks short. And the way they were just like, honey you're sweetie you're doing great like don't worry you're tall enough it is so i was fucking dying dude i think i have it on my instagram sorry the way and of course it being awesome it was so good like no no no it's 0.5 i do believe it's a little bit it's the opposite of the foley effect oh wow it's it's the sweatshirt being

like too big it's the perfect storm you're next to a tall guy everything's too big on him he looks like it looks like he's like a kid wearing adult clothes yeah and that's not and then you stand next to a tall guy and it's just not gonna but there are people in the background going oh man look at his feet look at and it was like a i it was a little bit of uh you know you can understand how like yes men and people just you know it's like man that like like when someone's famous and it's like they have no nobody to check them or nobody it was everybody just trying to like tell you no no no it's not it's just the picture it's just the phone or it's just this you're not it was so good man the way do we have his reaction when he was like he's he's just beside himself i hope you guys it's unbelievable it's unbelievable it's unbelievable. That's... That's unbelievable.

Oh, fuck. I don't know how to explain it. That's the job. It has to be. Something happened. Who's Harley Dean? That's the point. When they do.5, whatever's in the middle is the smallest. It's just a bad...

And the big people at the front, too. This is like, it's a great size. It's a great size. It's a great size. It's the perfect size, honey. I swear. And a slander artist. Photoshop. He's just so...

Are you standing in it? I feel like you're standing in a hole. It's a down hill. The big people at the front are sitting in a hole. Look at the guy's feet. So they made you a leg shorter too. Is it better for the whole show

or the your body? It's a fucking... I was... I saw that in bed at night, and I was, like, belly laughing to myself. I thought it was so fucking... When he's like... I just...

It's unbelievable. I was so disappointed. So mad it happened. I can't explain it. It probably is a little bit of the reverse Foley effect. Remember the Foley picture? Yeah, oh, yeah. Because he was at the front.

There is something to that, right? When you're in a V and you're in the front. But everyone explaining it away was so good, man. I was thinking I got to put together the definitive list of bad Barstool pictures. Yeah. Because we all got them. We all got them. What's your worst one?

I don't know. There's one from the Super Bowl house in Minnesota. The one Pete took. Yeah. He did be so dirty. He did be so dirty. That one I feel like is the worst i'm sure it's in the eye of the beholder but that one makes me go like oh my god take that off the internet

big cat big house was is i think probably the number one if you don't know that one that is oh my god it was on the cubs mets like bus we were on the the bus and dan was trying i think everyone i think we were lost or something. Everyone's trying to kind of navigate, and he's bending over into the front of the bus, and then I'm behind him. And do Big Cat Big House. It'll pop up because that was kind of the memes started.

Yo. That's not him. That is not him that is not him it's so fucking funny and if you look in the top the top is me taking the picture and i just have this smile on my face because it was a funny visual but i i remember taking it and looking. I remember going like this. Like, wait, what? Because he was not. I mean, it was probably at one of his bigger phases. He's Slimcat now, but he was probably not then.

But that picture, I was like, what happened? And I remember it was on my phone, and I had just taken it. And I remember being at a crossroads in life where I was like, I can just delete this picture. And this never happened. And I kind of started to laugh and like snicker. And if I remember, I don't remember for sure, but if I remember correctly, I think Dave was like, what are you laughing about? And I was like, nothing, man, nothing, nothing. And he was like, what is it?

And I showed him and he was like, what is it? And I showed him, and he was like, oh. I think that's how it went down, because I do remember feeling guilty, because I was like, fuck. Like, what do I do? This is literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen, but I don't want to do my boy dirty. And then I think, if this is the blog, there's a blog that we did a Photoshop contest. And, yeah, maybe this is the original one, so I don't know. The fucking Photoshops that came in were so funny they were putting them on like cruise ships and like up up up next to buildings and like all this funny shit oh this is it yeah yeah this is like the pain in the

pain in the moon jay wats flipping him as a tire. They were just like – they were just so mean. That was the best one. Fuel. Oh, man. And it was like all-time, all-time funny. So that to me would probably be the number one worst. There's ugly Dave, gross Dave. Oh, that was great because Daniel Murphy was seeing the ball so well.

That's probably Dave's worst one. I don't know. I don't think you got to have one, but none jumps to mind. I think of me before. I think of mine is one I knew was being taken. It was the pre-weight loss challenge where I'm shirtless in the Milton office. That's the worst, by the way, when you know. We took shirtless in the milton office um that's the worst by the way when you know we took shirtless pictures for the combine too but they just did me so dirty on

the combine too i think i think dave just went north korea on that one they just put 510 on my on my comment it's just like i'm just not 510 you just fucked me dude uh camera ads 10 pounds is really a thing which is why i want an award for editing myself as much as I do. You do deserve that. Thank you. Whose head is that? That's got to be Dave making – is that Captain Cons? I think that's Cons.

I think that's Cons before he brought it home. Yeah. No, is it Chats or Cons? No, that's Cons. Cons, yeah. That was – we didn't talk about that. Did you see Cons undressing Dave? That, I think – that, like, reset me at Barstool Sports.

Like, I – that was so vintage Barstool that I was like, there's still a little bit of magic left. There's still a little bit of old school Barstool. Cons fucking smoked him in one of the most like, that was like off the rip, but it felt like scripted. He just like kept going. I'm handsome. You're not. You need it.

Go to Turkey. I'm an athlete. And Dave going, challenge. I challenge you to a one mile race. Like that even fucking means something. We're talking about handsome and hair. And you to a one-mile race. Like, that even fucking means something? We're talking about handsome and hair, and he's like, one-mile race. It was like I invoke, like, fucking Festivus. Like, pause.

We have to race. That race is supposed to go down. By the way, if you haven't seen what we're talking about, it's on the dog walk draft. We were doing a TV draft, and I had my head down, and I was looking at my list. And Dave was like, Kevin, are you balding? And it was just like a part in my hair. And Chief was like, Dave's just wishing baldness on anyone. He's just trying to push baldness on anybody.

And then he was like, Collins, don't you have the worst hairline? He's like, I'm fucking bald, dude. And it was just so genuine when he's like, this is the lot you have like the worst hairline? He's like, I'm fucking bald, dude. Like, and it was just so genuine when he's like, this is the lot that, that like God gave me and I, and I understand it. It was, I loved it.

If it was, if that was like Dan and Dave, me and Dave, like, like that would have been, that was 2000, you know, 12 rundown type shit. Yeah. It was cons and, and White Sox Dave,

but it was like so fucking funny. And I was up there like, I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stop, stop, stop, stop. So they're going to race. And White Sox Dave texted him, if you can't break seven minutes, don't even show up. So I guess Dave's confident that he can run like a six-something mile.

Cons is like he knows for sure he can run in the sixes. And he was like, and whatever it takes, I will not lose to him. He's like, I will. He's like, I don't know what. I can run in the sixes. And whatever I need to do in the sixes, I will do because I will not lose to that guy. So we'll find out. If Dave wins, though, Dave's like the Kingslayer. Well, so that's kind of like Dave thinks he –

White Sox Dave has a little bit of the Burt Kreischer in him. He thinks he has the Mickey Mantle gene. But he threw faster than Rocket. Did he do anything else? No. Okay. So that would be two. Two.

Two. Two of your official slaying games. I think three. I would say three is a Kingslayer. Really? I mean, it's two more than most people. I was going to say. If you want to give it to them.

Once you can kind of explain away, it's like, ah, this is a challenge my buddy did. Two, it's like, all right, I beat people who think they're good at things. That is good. I think if you run around saying, I'm the Kingslayer, and someone says, what is that? And you're like, I threw a ball fast on someone, and I won in a race. I think you need one more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to, or people are going to say you're a Kingslayer, you've got to have one more kill on your resume. Yeah. But if you beat the guy. Well, I mean, the Kingslayer only killed one king. That is true, actually.

That is true. All you've got to do is kill one king. You know? Kill one king. You build a thousand bridges, killed one king. That is true, actually. That is true. All you got to do is kill one king. Kill one king. Build a thousand bridges. Fuck one goat. Sorry to dig into that one. But yeah, there's one company and there's a guy who says he can.

But the only thing is Dave made the challenge too. It's not like Collins runs around being like, I'm the fastest guy in the world. Yeah, true, true, true. He's just like, I want to race you. So he to win the pressure's on him that's true because if cons just goes out there and he's like i never even brought up running i'm just gonna go for a jog and fucking beat you then then almost this is absolutely make or break for white socks dave being a challenge barstool guy yes because if you if you lose this, it's like, well, that was your call out. Boy, the rocket, that was one of the worst.

That was like watching fucking Mike Tyson in the ring the other night. Watching the rocket just fucking throw 62. Have you guys seen the, speaking of running, the seven marathons in seven days across seven continents? I can't tell you how much I hate that. Seven marathons, back to back to back. There are people who do like 50 in like 50 days. They're like freaks.

They're absolute animals. Did you see? I don't know when it was from, but I posted it on my Instagram. There was like a sweeping camera or like someone on a truck, and there's this girl running the marathon, and she's got this Australian accent. She's like, I just shit myself, so can you not get my ass? And I know that's a thing that happens,

but the fact that we just kind of accept that as a society is despicable. If you go do anything that makes you shit your pants, you should not be doing that, and you certainly should not be able to be out in public and just be Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody doesn't want that. You should not be doing that, and you certainly should not be able to be out in public and just be like, yeah, it happens. During this activity that we all sanction, people shit themselves, and we just do it. Fuck that.

That should just be outlawed. That should be, you cannot do that. I didn't do it this weekend, but I had fully accepted that I was going. What? Just for being alive? I was going. What? Just for just being alive? I was uptown. I was very sick.

I got Shake Shack like Wednesday night and Shake Shack. The most food poisoned person of all time. Shake Shack does not. Literally. A hundred times now. Like Shake Shack, I have like. I think it's just lactose intolerant. No.

It's something. It's Shake Shack. When I eat Shake Shack, I have a 90% chance of having stomach issues. lactose intolerant it's something it's something it's shake shack it's like when i eat when i eat shake shack i have a 90 chance of having and you still just do it oh yeah is it is it the burgers is the cheese burgers burgers for sure the smoke shack they'll get you it's delicious it's delicious but i just do it knowing i know i i have full confidence i'm going to have a rough few days after a few days jesus man and i i ordered it wednesday night and saturday saturday i was uptown and i was taking the subway back and i remember seeing the doors open and seeing i was a i was a columbus circle and i was like standing there and i was like i'm gonna shit like like i was i didn't i didn't but i was like it was dude it was so quick i went from

oh man i'm gonna shit my pants to i'm gonna shit my pants like i didn't i didn't even finish the sentence of freaking out about it before I just went, well, this is going to happen. So, like, whatever's whatever. What do you think you would do? Wait, well, now I'm on the edge of my seat. Did you change that? No, no, I didn't do it.

I got home. But it was, I was far, I mean, 59th is far away. I was on the local, 59th is a lot of stops, dude. And then I got to get out. I got to walk upstairs. I got to walk upstairs. I got to walk up a bunch of stairs. Yeah, get to the bathroom, yeah. I think I just forgot to do it, to be honest.

I think I got home just sat on the couch. It's great. Good, good, good. What do you think you would do in that scenario? if it was visible oh it's going to be visible you said no i mean i feel like it would be it would be visible i guess depends on what pants you're wearing i know what pants i was wearing i was weirdly comfortable with it what what did you mean by that? I don't really know. I think what I meant...

What are you thinking about? Visible, like... Coming out of your pants. I think if you're going to shit your pants... I think it was going to look more like a wet pants situation. Okay, but I think that's... Listen, if anybody ever shits their pants and it's like a full, solid shit's that's crazy that would be crazy right

like it's usually an emergency that's gonna be like a situation like that if it's just like lumps in your pants like you probably could have stopped that from happening i think you just didn't try hard enough just the fucking mole rolls out like what the fuck it's gotta be a wet situation i mean like if you like i think i would just sit on that subway i was still until oh fuck i think i would be i would just ride the subway until i guess if i was standing up if i was like sitting down somehow i think i would just be like, I'm going to ride this until this car is empty. I'll ride this until like 3 a.m.

And every time people, they're like, ah, it's a homeless guy. I don't know. It just smells. Whatever. Like, I'm just not standing up. There's no way I'm standing up anywhere if you are going to see that I've shown up.

See, I was, I think that's why. I will sit until I die. I think that's why I was calm. I was just like, whatever. Because like, it was going to be standing. So then like, I don't, I think it would have made was just like, whatever. Because it was going to be standing. So then like, I think it would have made less of a mess standing.

Whatever. We can talk about something new. What else is up? Jake Paul, that was crazy. That was crazy. How about, did you see Mike Tyson? This went under the radar. First of all What's the

Rosie Perez thing What is that I don't know Is that a thing That I didn't know about Yeah she's done them before Okay She does like

Jake Paul I was like What is going on She interviewed Mike Prior to the Fight Full sit down interview Which

I think Because I had not seen this Since like 2002 I clicked on the link It was just The interview transcribed I have not seen this since like 2002 i clicked on the link it was just the interview transcribed i have not seen that bold question yeah regular text answer i was like i don't even think this interview happened i think this is all made up and clearly mike tyson's going through

something because the interview with that little girl was insanity yeah but he's always like that's mike tyson well yeah i mean he's not but like he he's a long term believer of, but he's always, like, that's Mike Tyson. Well, yeah, I mean, he's not. But, like, he's a long-term believer. Of no legacy. He's been like, I don't give a fuck for a long time. Which is a great way. There's another clip of him, like, I don't know, this is probably the 90s, maybe 2000s, where they have all his heavyweight titles. And they have them laid out.

It might have been a 60 Minutes thing or whatever. And they're like, this is history right here. And he, like, picks one up. He's like, this is history right here. And he picks one up. He's like, this is fucking trash. He's like, who gives a shit about this? And that was like 20 years ago. Probably a good take to have for a convicted rapist. To be like, this doesn't mean that much.

There's more to life than these belts. Oh, is he convicted? Oh, yeah. Big time convicted rapist. I cried for him. I know.'s a very He is one of the all time We just forgot about that

Like he's in the hangover And it's funny And I'm part of it I like him But I don't know I mean You don't like it Like if that girl

Yeah If I met that girl And she was like Why do you like him? I'd be like I'm sorry I shouldn't Yeah it's crazy

Just full blown convicted And that was Went to jail full-blown convicted and they went to jail right like sort of like what went to jail for like five years yeah just learned about this i had no idea oh yeah yeah yeah big time big time rapist and then it was floating around it was floating around this this this like news cycle as like uh you know the timeline of events of Mike's life. And it was like in 1990, whatever, he was accused of rape and like went to court. Not like that. It was like, people were like, it got community notes. It was like, he was convicted of rape and went to jail.

He went to court. And then he kind of laid low for a few years. We didn't see him. So yeah, that's a big one. Do you also know, do you know about his four-year-old kid? No. His four-year-old kid hanged herself by accident on a treadmill.

It had, I think, the cord to stop you. Yeah. I guess it was like, they kind of pull off now. I guess maybe they didn't. And she got wrapped up in it. Timothy. A seven-year-old brother found the four-year-old sister. So you learn about shit like that. Somehow got worse in pension.

Yeah, I should say. Wait, why was the four-year-old on a treadmill? I think she was just playing with it. Apparently the story was like the mother was like, where's your sister? Go find her. And that was it. So that made me feel bad for him. I was like, mother was like, where's your sister? Go find her. And that was it. So that made me feel bad for him. I was like, I was older and grown like this.

But the interview with Rosie Perez, he was like kind of like the same sort of legacy shit being like, fuck legacy. And he was like, he's like, listen, man, I should be dead. I should be dead. So like anything else is house money. Like all my friends they they're dead they od'd they've got aids i fucked a girl with aids multiple times raw no that just like went under the radar i'd be like yeah i fucked these girls with aids a lot it was like a lot rosie seriously like a bunch of times well no wonder mike tyson

thinks he's superhuman dude if i fucked a girl with AIDS repeatedly and didn't get AIDS, I'd look like fucking that handle of a birthday. I'm like, I can't die. I'm never going to die. The response, it said Rosie Perez. And she said, that's crazy. Damn, Mike, you wow. Yeah, that's basically what it was.

But that fight went, I feel like it went from like, oh, Mike Tyson's going to kill him to like, oh, shit, this is like sad and bad to then like flip back being like, well, he made it the whole way though. And like now people are giving him the flowers for just standing in the ring for fucking six minutes. Oh, I turned it off. I would – boxing is so funny, man, where like – first of all, the first two fights were great. The first two fights from when I turned it off. Boxing is so funny, man. First of all, the first two fights were great. The first two fights from when I turned it on. The two Mexican guys. Mexicans fucking brawl.

Mexicans and chicks. We said it. Kevin texted me, Mexicans and chicks. Those two fights are great. And I was like, dude, I get that child daycare fight club. Because I bet kids are the same way. I bet kids can just fucking wail on it. There is an inflection point of boxing it stops it stops pretending being like fun and then well now it's dangerous but also also like the if you like a heavyweight punch

like will knock you the fuck out and end the fight whereas at a certain weight class it's just for fucking 12 rounds. They're just eating the punches. They're not even trying to dodge them. Some eight-year-old in Trenton, New Jersey can fucking... Just literally like this. But yeah, I mean... But I turned that fight off.

I watched like five rounds of that, and I was like, I'm going to put something... I was worried he was going to Don Baylor himself. Remember when Don Baylor broke his knee at the first pitch? Oh, yeah. His knees were really strong. I was like, I'm not worried about his head. I'm worried about an ACL, like a knee popping out or something like that.

But it is funny, though. After the fact, everyone was like, oh, told you so. Knew it. Nobody would say that before the fight. Before the fight, there were people being like, he's old. But everyone was like, maybe. I mean, it's boxing, right? You have a puncher's chance.

He might land one. It's the only sport, no other sport in the world would you go watch a 60-year-old do it. Right. You know everyone's washed up. I don't even think it's boxing so much as it's Mike Tyson. If you saw Lennox Lewis, i wouldn't be like agreed oh it's the it's the only guy in the only sport so like that i i give him respect for because like like even dave being like it was i i knew it i knew it it's like dave when dave puts out

fucking million dollar bets when he like knows it yeah it's like why didn't you why didn't you bet on why didn't you bet on why didn't you say this like because everybody right before it was like but maybe dude and right away it was like oh of course this is ridiculous he's 60 like like people who are 60 can't like get up out of chairs and so like no fucking chance but have you ever seen him jackie like have you really watched like early no he is so violent like it is literally insane it's scary like he used to not only would he win he would it would be like first round knockout like he has like eight seconds into a fight just boom see you later like kill you oh my god he was 20 and he won he was the youngest heavyweight ever heavyweight champion ever 20 years old

his parents were dead by like the time he was like 13 he was like addicted to drugs and living on the streets or whatever at like 15 he would just he would just kill he was even like a little before my time i think like i think he's like late 80s early 90s yeah and i like but i remember like my dad telling me about him and then like watching clips like this like i think i think the only like tyson fight i ever saw was lennox lewis and evander holyfield i think so like that's like think the only, like, Tyson fight I ever saw was Lennox Lewis and Evander Holyfield. I think, so, like, that's, like, obviously the end of his career.

Oh, my God. So he went to jail, came out, like, got back in the ring, and, of course, he's, like, the biggest ticket right away. Everyone's like,

we gotta see Mike fight again. First of all, he came out and he fought Tommy O'Malley. Tommy, what's his name? I always get him mixed up with the fake character from Rocky. Yeah. It's something, Peter O'Malley. I think it's Peter O'Malley. Tommy, what's his name? I always get him mixed up with the fake character from Rocky. Yeah. It's something, Peter O'Malley.

I think it's Peter O'Malley. He fought this, like, white Irish guy. And it was, like, everybody bought the pay-per-view. And I think it was, like, a first-round knockout or something that was, like, really shitty. Like, it was a terrible result. And everyone was, like, we bought this for that. So he kept trying to was like, we bought this for that. So he, so he kept trying to like come back and he fought, he fought,

um, Evander Holyfield basically when he was like done being like the champ and they, you know, when they like kind of hug up and they, uh, he just bites the top of zero off. Like,

like, like flat, like the chunk fell. Like Evander Holyfield is still missing the top of his ear. He bit it fucking off. Right there, yeah. And the man of Holyfield starts jumping around. He's like, ah!

Was his intention to bite? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And he's just like... He bumped down. The ref had to pick up a piece of his flesh. And he's just bleeding from his ear.

It's fucking... Did he ear. It's fucking... It's top, like, five craziest thing ever happened in sports. When that happened, it was bananas. I remember where I was. I was at my uncle's house. And in the kitchen. These were like, get together

with your friends, pay-per-view, must-watch sort of shit. He was like, big ticket, you gotta watch Mike Tyson fight. Even two or three times after it was like, he's not the same. Yeah, it was fucking gross, dude. And they just sprayed the water. I think they kept fighting, right? Did he get DQ'd for that?

I honestly don't remember. But if you look at a whole field here now now, he's missing like half his ear. Not a half, but a good chunk of it. He was like absolutely, it was fucking, it was always something. You know, it was always absolutely crazy shit with this guy. And then, after all this, the conviction, the ear biting, he also had all these quotes where he like the the real thing the thing about fighting is you have to you he was a violent like murderer that just like like if he wasn't a boxer i think he would have been like a murderer yeah i mean he like he

channeled like yeah dead parents i think like in and out of jail drugs all these problems and like a a boxer uh like a what's his body dude he was there was a coach was like took him in and out of jail drugs all these problems and like a a boxer uh like a what's his body dude he was there was a coach was like took him in and and like you know turned him into a fighter and so it was like all of that channeled into boxing he there was a clip this weekend that was like someone with this kind of trauma will just annihilate people and it was him on the street like again it was one of those 60 minutes type type things. He's older now and showing where he grew up and his thing. He's a big pigeon guy. He loved honing pigeons, I think they're called.

He could clap and stuff like that. He had pigeons above his Bronx apartment. Yeah, kind of like that. And he did it as a child. When he was very young, he was a pigeon guy. And he was telling a story about when he was 13 and some kid saw him on the street and came up to him with one of his pigeons and goes hey mike fuck you you fat n-word and then rips the pigeon's head off and the video was like dude i would never get in the ring with someone with

this kind of trauma like someone ripped your pet's head off in front of you. Wait, this was like in school? This was like a bully? I think so. I think it was like out in the streets. I don't even know if he was in school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He literally is like an orphan born and raised on the streets of New York until somebody took him in and said,

we're going to turn you into a boxing murderer. Like, we're going to put gloves on your hands, but you're going to go try to kill everyone you see inside we're going to put you inside this this square with ropes we're going to put gloves on your hands and then we're going to tell you to murder the person and he did and he murdered like everybody instantly he and then yeah he had uh all these pet he had pet those cost 250 000 a year to maintain. He had like two or three white tigers that were like $75,000 a pop and $250,000 of care a year. Did he continue with his pigeon?

He actually says he regrets the pets. But that's where – and then so after all that, the hangover shit started. Yeah. Because that was the scene in the movie was that they had to like, they stole Mike Tyson's tiger. Yeah. Yeah. So and it just became this like lovable, like monster thing, you know, like Shrek almost

like he's playing the piano and he's got the list. Yeah. You got, oh, the tattoo. Remember we came out with the tattoo? Yeah. I mean, that was crazy as the fucking tribal thing around his head for the first, you know, half of his career. He didn't have that.

And then all of a sudden we were like, like mike tyson got a face tattoo which now like every rapper under the sun has it but back then a face tattoo was like you are fucking psychotic yeah it was that was a big deal of mine yeah and then he was also i i don't know if the tattoo was when he was sober but then he got sober for like 20 years and then after like 20 years of being sober he's like i've been doing cocaine the whole time. I'm not drinking, but I... He's like, wait, you guys thought I was sober? I'm telling you, you're sober. And he's like, oh, no, I'm even for a second.

And now he's just a fucking stoner. His podcast is called Hot Box with Mike. He just gets like super, super blazed and talks to people. So this whole, like, given all of that, I do give him credit for like... And then, I don't know how this, like, went under the radar. He said when he was training for the fight, he almost died. He lost, like – that was out there? Oh, because the fight was supposed to be a while ago.

So they pushed the fight. Oh, okay, okay. I don't remember that being like – I guess I remember it being pushed, but I don't think I remember it being like he almost died. Yeah. It was like – I knew he had – I don't know how – He lost, like, eight quarts of blood or something like that. So it's a very, I forget that people like don't know these things now. Yeah.

It's a very weird, it's like, I just assume that everybody knows about Mike Tyson because it was just like such a part of everything. But it's like, yeah, I understand you guys not knowing about an athlete from the 80s. Are you guys up to date on the whole Tommy Fury, Molly Mae thing? No. Like, so real quick basically like molly may and tommy fury they've met on love island right molly may is like like the most perfect whatever they broke up a while ago and people are like what happened like you guys were like the cutest couple ever and then like there were like rumors of him cheating but people were

like i don't know and then this like girl went on this podcast and like she's just not even slightly cute and she was like sitting there smiling like the video you kind of have to see the video and she's sitting there smiling being like yeah you have to see the video and he fucked her and that's why did you up. Did you guys watch any of the UFC fight? That was actually good. No? Dude, the UFC fight. Fill me in so I can do the rundown, by the way.

Was. Pull up the. This will be the last thing I have to pull up. The kick. The Jon Jones kick. Oh, I did see that. That back kick. That just destroyed that dude.

Getting that kick. And then someone punches you in the face. I'd be like, what the fuck, man? That to me, I'd rather get hit in the face than what that happened to. He gets in a car accident and then they don't. I'd be like, call this fight immediately. He does a back kick like to his stomach and the guy just goes down like. I mean, that was obviously like the one we just saw is at like half speed he just fucking watches it's not really particularly fast

either but i guess when boom oh hey the guy's just like i'm done and then pow but the the the fight in fact if he kicked me in the stomach like that death yeah i would die that would like that would explain the trump dance in fact if he kicked me in the stomach like that death yeah i would die that would like that would explain the trump dance in front of trump which is fucking the trump dude that that i think i've come around on the whole thing now what trump i'm just like like i'm just like the spectacle i'm good at living in reality so when people are like this is the world we live in i'm like fine this is where we're gonna live is where we're gonna live right right and and like just join the circus bro stop trying to

fight it yeah yeah just have fun with it honestly at this point fuck it like it's it's like the like between twitter everyone going nuts i'm like aren't these all the people who are like we can't have politics in sports yeah aren't these the people who told me that like it's the taking and like which is politics where we go which is where we go to escape from it. Right. And then it's the president is sitting there who is the, he's a billionaire tycoon. And then he's sitting next to the richest man in the world who got his money from apartheid South Africa. And then he's sitting next to a Kennedy. And then he's sitting next to Kid Rock. And then we're like, this is the party of the working class.

And I'm like, all right like alright boys let's fucking do it let's fucking ride dude hell yeah Michael Chandler pick that guy up spike him on the ground do it in front of the president let's fucking party let's fucking party let's go if you want to party I'll

fucking party like when Chandler picked it up I was like let's go who's going fucking bananas these guys all eat yeah dude dude if you if you fucking were to make a cartoon of america this is it you were like donald trump mcdonald's rfk and uh an emerald the son of an emerald farmer they fly on a private jet to a combat sports and they eat mcdonald's on the way home you're like that's america baby i did my favorite caption was uh making the new guy in the gang do drugs to know he's cool i was like this is incredible this is

i mean obviously it's like funny but there is a level of like it's the greatest con of all time. Again, I think Donald Trump has said it to people at these rallies. Like, I don't even like you people. Donald Trump would spit on all of you the minute he saw you. He would step over your dead body, and they're all like, the working hero. Because he does that shit, though. All he's got to do is that. He worked a drive-thru once and he got in that truck.

That's all he had to do. I once sat in a truck and I went to McDonald's for 15 minutes. I'm the working class hero. You're a billionaire fucking evil. These guys are like the super villains. Almost all, and you can do this with any billionaire, but like almost all of their origin stories, you're like, is that from a movie? Right.

Your dad was an emerald farmer in apartheid South Africa? Right, right. And you stole your ideas. Or an emerald seller. Emerald something. What's it called? A dealer, right? A dealer.

Emerald dealer, yeah. Even that in and of itself, you're like, an emerald dealer right yeah but and then even the the dance like when trump does the dance i mean it's the goofiest thing in the fucking world but everyone's just like oh it's amazing this is amazing it's like well okay all right i don't want to be the loser it's like it honestly is it's awesome it's awesome. It's perfectly recapturing like gladiators where they're like in front of the king or in front of Caesar. But dude, like, yeah. I know. And it's like there is a primal thing that goes on with a lot of people where like that's what they want.

I also love that Jon Jones. You think we've grown past that? I don't think so i mean john jones he's also he's another he's a he's a blatant cheater right like he he's he's a fucking he's done steroids like and he's got caught like a thousand times i don't know if he was steroid he definitely failed drug tests but i thought it was good coke oh oh i thought it was like cheating cheating um it was definitely coke but he has like a bunch of domestic charges. Yeah. He's just like a bad dude. And people just,

they, I'm not marrying the guy. I want to watch him kill somebody. And that's where I think we, we lost the thread a little bit where it's like, like the same. It's like, I'm not marrying the dude.

It's like, I'm not voting him for president. He's a cool guy. And then we just voted him for president. It's like, all right. I think we went a little far but okay let's go i don't care that much until it affects your day-to-day and then if it does then you're

fucked it's like i i you know i hope it doesn't the um what was the other thing i saw this weekend oh you want to know how how dumb i am. How dumb are you? I got really proud of myself this weekend because I solved an internet question from 10 years ago. I remember I was always like, hey, can you complete a pass in an NFL game? Could you complete one pass? Watching football this weekend, I was like, jet sweep. I could do a jet sweep. Yes, I can complete a pass. And I was football this weekend, I was like, jet sweep. I could do a jet sweep. Yes, I can complete a pass.

And I was like, I'm the smartest guy in the world. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You went and did it? No, just like I could complete a jet sweep. I don't know if you could. I 100% Like, for, what do you mean? Like, when the question is like, could you complete a pass in an NFL game? I can do a jet sweep.

Yes. I think you might get lit up. I don't know. What do you mean? Like, a jet sweep is when the fucking guy, the wide receiver comes running back in front of you, and you just throw the ball in the air like this. Yeah. And he catches it and runs.

It's a handoff. Yeah. Yeah. I just think you're slow. But I don't have to do anything. I think by the time the ball snapped. That's a slow. But I don't have to do anything. So, like, I think by the time the ball is snapped... That's a Jet Sweet. I don't do anything.

I don't even move. He runs in front of me, and I throw it in the air. Oh, you... Oh, I thought you meant you're getting the handoff. No, no, no, I'm completing the pass. It's a pass. Okay, okay. I thought you meant you're getting the ball,

and I was like, I think someone might... Oh, see, you couldn't even comprehend it. That's how genius this is. So you're taking... But you're the quarterback. You're taking the this is. So you're taking, but you're the quarterback. You're taking the snap here. I'm the quarterback. That's not jet sweep, though.

I could see a scenario. That's not jet sweep. That was a handoff. I could see a scenario where you... Maybe I'm not saying what a jet sweep is right. Okay, so I'm not saying what a jet sweep is.

The one where they run in front of you and you kind of throw it in the air. It's this one, right? So instead of, but it's the saying what a jet sweep is. The one where they run in front of you and you kind of throw it in the air. It's this one, right? So instead of – but it's the same idea of like your shotgun, he runs in front and you just kind of hold it up. I just pop it up in the air. Yeah, I guess you probably could do that. 100% I could do that. Yeah.

That's easy. I was thinking like – yeah, because it's like the line still will block. You still have professional linemen blocking for you. For him? I already completed my pass my job's done I was thinking if there's a way that someone could blow up the line and you get fucking clocked before you even do it

but that would just be like the line I thought for sure that was called a jet sweep what's it called? whatever, people know the play I'm talking about, I think it was I was watching the Georgia game, I think someone, they thought Georgia fumbled, but it was actually a pass because it was throwing it forward. Whatever that play is called, I can do that.

Bam, I solved your riddle. I almost got in a fight again with a coach in football. This coach is such a fucking asshole, man. He ran out the clock in a game with seven-year-olds. There's not even a scoreboard. I was like, I don't even know what the fucking score is, dude. And he chose to run out the clock

rather than let the kids play. I said to him, I was like, you're really going to run the clock out? He's this gigantic black dude. He looks almost like Doakes from Dexter. Like, motherfucker! I was like, I mean, he would... clock out he's this gigantic black dude he looks like almost like dokes from uh from uh dexter like motherfucker yeah he talks too i was like i mean he would at one point he we had a kid uh older uh brother on the sideline who was like yelling things out be like watch this like watch that quarterback like you're gonna go there which is like a little bit grimy but like he's 12 yeah

like yelling to his brother like watch the kid in the backfield and he he leans goes, my man, you're cheating in a game with seven-year-olds, which at that point he had been such a hard-o all day. I'm like, oh, now we're going to do the youth sports thing. And the kid was like, I'm just helping my brother. And he goes – I've been calling from the stands. Fair game. Fair game.

Fair game. And he goes, I'm going to send one of my other sons to come see you. I was like, it's not my kids. I'm not going to get involved. But if you told me you were going to send your sons to, like, threaten my kid, I was like, I mean, I can't beat you up. You're going to have to see me right now. You're going to fucking smoke me.

He was screaming, that's how you win. That's how you win. And then we were scoring touchdowns. We were yelling back at him and shit. I was like, I was under shit. And I was like, I was under my breath. I was like, fuck you.

It was intense shit. Um, I have a riddle. Ooh, a riddle. Let's go. I'll catch you in about a decade. Okay.

So it's not a riddle. I was in Central Park and I was just thinking about this nonstop for the past three days. I'm in the middle of Central Park, like the middle. So it takes like 15 minutes to get to like 20 minutes to get to the middle no matter where you are like minimum right yeah probably like if you're coming for whatever in the middle i see this couple walking like not a couple it was a boy and a girl and she goes wait and where are you from and i was like trying to think of

this scenario right or you wouldn't know that but you'd be where you wouldn't know that but you're in the middle of such a part because if it's a first date let's just say it's a first date then like maybe you're maybe you like told a story at first and then you didn't get like the first thing that you know about somebody when you go on the first date is always name and where they're from right so like it probably can i can i stop real quick yeah what if they met in the middle no no they they didn't because it was like you could just tell that it wasn't so then i was like then it has to be it can't be like a hinge or something like that because then you already know where they're from so maybe it's got to be like the only explanation is like it's a friend of a friend. And they they met at the outskirts.

And they like he told some hilarious story to start that got them to the middle. Because also it wasn't because they didn't know each other before. Because the tone in which she said it wasn't like, oh, and like, wait, wait, where are you even from? It was like, and where are you from? You know, it was the first from? It was the first time. It was the first time, like, whatever. How do you get to the middle of Central Park with somebody without knowing where they're from?

And it wasn't like you could tell like they were walking together. I've been thinking about this literally nonstop for the past three days. I actually, like, I completely disagree with you. What do you mean? I don't know. Why would I know where you're from? You're on a first date. Maybe you're just friends.

I mean, the guy definitely is not going to know. There's a little bit of a wrinkle it was the girl asking. Yeah, exactly. The girl asking. If you're going on a first date, in the middle of Central Park, first of all, you're doing research to make sure he's not a serial killer. That might be true for a girl. I'm thinking from a guy point of view, you could tell me at the start of the walk and two minutes in, I'd be like, wait, where are you from again?

Yeah. And I might do that three more times. And then we'd be like two years in the relationship. I'm like, what's the name of your town again? That's all very possible. But there's no reason to be in the middle of Central Park and not know where the person's from. You're right. I guess, again, because you were thinking about

being killed and raped and stuff like like this took over i didn't have headphones i was just like i gotta think about something like i i i don't know i and the way you're phrasing it like i would ask that where i'm like i'm pretty sure i know where you're from but where you're from again also no no exactly but it wasn't that but wait and why didn't they meet in the middle how do you know that but it was just like meet at the fucking fountain and then the walk started there? I think there's too many fountains in Central Park. But I'm just saying like meet at like the thing, like whatever it is in the middle, like meet here and then your walk started there.

You haven't been on the walk for one minute. I've met people in Central Park enough that I don't meet people in Central Park. I'm like meet me outside. If we want to go inside, we can go inside. But it is a possible thing. If you want to answer to your riddle, it'd be like, we started our walk and we just started talking.

An answer to the riddle. But that's still weird. What if you just picked her up on the spot? Like, went up to her and started talking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, no, because you could just tell it was like an intentional... And you don't even do that. I don't know. Yeah, that doesn't happen anymore. That was a possible thing like 10 years ago.

If you were walking in Central Park with a guy and asked him where he's from, if it was you, let us know. It is kind of a fun game to play if you don't have headphones. You listen to somebody's, like, the middle of their conversation. I hate that. I get so mad. Sorry, go on. You make up a story for For what It could possibly be

Yeah Oh good old eavesdrop Come on No I hate it I Like I get mad When people point it out

Like did you hear What they just said I'm like no I'm fucking minding My goddamn business I didn't hear what they said Yeah but there are people Who are like

You know loud and obnoxious It's like I'm not trying to hear you You're being You're in a fight Or you're doing something absurd Then I'll actively Not pay attention to you. That's good old-fashioned reality TV.

Yeah. You don't like that. The other thing I forgot to mention during UFC, the guy who fought Bo Nickel, who I think he's like – I'm not a UFC guy guy but i watched that fight like i think he's kind of hopefully being groomed into a good guy like he was uh he's a penn state wrestler who was rarely good like i think they want to be big he's the most boring dude alive i i can't see how it works out well that like in the pre-fight interviews the post-fight interview i was like get this guy off the fucking tv but the dude dude he was fighting, Paul Smith, maybe.

I forget. He's a Scottish guy. And his nickname is the Bear Jew. Not Jewish. Won't address where it came from. Got to address that. If you're not a Jew, you got to address where it came from. I think.

So I Googled it this weekend, too. It feels like the Bear Jew... Obviously, I knew it from Inglourious Basterds. I didn't know if that was a reference. It feels like it's just the Inglourious Basterds character. I don't know if... Yeah, no, that's... See if he was a real guy, though.

Like, actually in World War II. That Nazi hunter crew was real, right? Yeah, I think so. Okay, so he's a real guy. So maybe it just means he kills nazis which is good but it doesn't like every time they kept saying i was like i don't think we can say that like i think i think maybe jewish people can say i don't think we can have nicknames like i'm the bear jew then SimpliSafe, get your house secured. Whether you're worried about your belongings, your pets, your loved ones, the house, whether you're worried about burglars or fire or floods,

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. Count that as one of the voicemails. One. I got a DM from a guy. Let me read it so I can give him credit. One of the all-time great questions. Jumped out like...

I was like, this is a beauty. I sent it to you, right, Pes? Yep. Okay. He DM'd me. He said, I don't want to... He's like, I can't be on camera for the video, but... Would you rather,

his name was Ryan, shout out to Ryan, would you rather have all the porn you watch the rest of your life feature Andy Reid, or all your favorite sports teams for the rest of your life is coached by Riley Reid? Let's go!

I think Riley Reid I think football's tough the rest of these coaches are like figureheads who are like running the locker room and I think Riley Reid could eventually figure that out I don't need to see any

any Reid's walrus ass up in my porn now on the flip side i'm watching so much less porn as as i get older that it's like that's yes me this one i'm like in my 20s yeah you gotta factor that in like i'm going i'm going andy reed in my well the other side of it is you want and you're reading your porn because it's like funny but no i don't like funny porn. I like my porn hot. What if Andy threw it? I like my porn hot. I like my porn fucking sexy, dude.

I'm not here for the yucks, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of here for the yucks, not the yucks. You know what I mean? The Andy Reid, at least in the porn I watch watch the man isn't super heavily focused. So like you get What porn are you watching?

Just regular porn. It's like there's a dick going in there but it's focused on the girl. There's not a ton of fucking That's almost worse. I'd rather see Andy Reid's whole body than like just his dick area going in. I don't either.

If you got the position of girl on top, reverse cowgirl, but kind of laying on you, where you just see the dick. If I saw that of just Andy Reid, where you see his ass and dick, I'd rather just see a fat Andy Reid doggy style from the profile than the dick. I don't want Andy Reid's fucking undercarriage area anywhere near me. I don't want any fucking undercarriage area anywhere near me. I wouldn't want that either. But that's not where...

That's like an old porn angle. They don't use that much. What porn are you watching where you don't see the guy a lot? What do you mean? I don't know. Guys are pretty prominent. If you ask me what guy is...

I recognize male porn stars, but if you were like... Most of the porn I'd be like, I don't know who the fuck that is. Most of the porn, but it's in that book is a page about how we used to search for guy names over fucking girl names in porn.

So there's plenty of guys. There's plenty of guys, but you can get by on being like... True. You don't need a star guy. I wish that guy wasn't a fat 60-year-old. You know what I mean? It'll bother you, but you can get over it.

I don't know, man. Because that's also the Ron White joke. It's like, porn is gay because the guy matters. Right. But I've watched fucking Ron Jeremy porn. That's Andy Reid porn. He's got a mustache, big fat guy. That was humanity at its lowest.

People being like, we're going to watch. Do you know who Ron Jeremy is? No. Pult? You know who, yeah. You're going to fucking, when I tell you, this man was, before you do it, one of the biggest male porn stars ever, ever. It's him.

Are you ready for this? At that age, too. At that age. That's not like, oh, he was a hot man. That's him. Are you ready for this? At that age, too. At that age. That's not like, oh, he was a hot man. That's what he looked like. That's what he looked like in the porn. And you know what? That's the porn.

He, like, his dick wasn't even that good. It was big, but it wasn't a good dick. It was a weird, like, curved one, and he had a fat belly underneath it. Pull up the, there's a, I guess that then. But he went well into the 90s. So it was like – I actually didn't know that. That makes it a little bit different. I thought he, like, started in the 90s and it was just like, look at this fat guy. He was like a Burt Reynolds type.

But he – you know, he's Mike Tyson. He should have hung it up. He looks like that picture of – is it Saddam Hussein or is it Gaddafi? There's one guy with the fucking – That's insane. What? He just referenced Gaddafi there's one guy with the fucking that's insane what he just referenced Gaddafi oh yeah it's one of them that he had like a ripped t-shirt that's that's Saddam that's Saddam Saddam when we like caught Saddam right he was like in a hole I'm pretty sure it's Saddam it's a famous like dictator who was caught and he's got a t-shirt that's ripped and he just looks like

exactly like Ron Jeremy and that was like the biggestshirt that's ripped and he just looks like exactly like ron jeremy and that was like the biggest thing in porn he was all he was in like the girls gone wild videos and shit it was like it was almost the worst because it if there's porn stars who were like hey we worked in the industry with this guy and now he's old but we're like fucking him but he was in like girls gone wild so it was like regular like college girls being like there it is that one who's that oh that's 9-11. He's a 9-11 guy. Khalid Muhammad. That's Ron Jeremy in porn. Harry.

Everyone's like, yeah, he's the guy. I was like, what? Their consciously or subconsciously fucked with me as a teenage kid being like, wait, what? This is what the girls want? What do you fucking mean? Disgusting. Riley being your coach, know i don't think she's gonna be an x's and o's girl but i think she could help a clubhouse

gel you know the i think she's a she's a she's a good personality she's doing like podcasts and shit i think no she's definitely a good great baseball coach or she or i was a great baseball manager but like the best sports you could succeed at is baseball football you have to like really know your shit yeah so unless she's some football savant that i don't know about riley i apologize basketball you still got to kind of you're coaching in game baseball is like keep the fellas happy from april to september you know make sure everyone's good and i think she could do that. I do think that you're right in that sense. I don't even mean that sexually, by the way.

No, I think a team could be like, this is fucking ridiculous. Coach Riley is like fucking do it. You end up having camaraderie over the fact that you're like, our coach is not qualified to coach us. Yes, exactly. Folks, we can't listen to coach. This happens with us. Right, right.

So there is the argument that team chemistry could be built by having Riley Reid be your coach. But I still think – You just want Andy Reid in your porn, bro. I also – but like it's – the better chances that I can get off with a fat guy fucking a hot chick than Riley Reid wins the fucking Stanley Cup. That's true. At the end of the day, you're just getting off. You're just throwing on the floor. You're just fucking tossing squids.

I've beat off in fucking like porta-potties before. You know what I mean, dude? That sounds like a true story. You ever had a hangover on the construction site? Come on! Bro, I have never... When I look in those port-a-potties and I just see everything, I've never considered that there's cum in there.

What if there's just... That's all cum, dude. Those are just... When people pick their phone out of a port-a-potty, you have to be the poorest motherfucker alive before... Jerking off in a port- a porta potty is despicable that sounds like something that sounds like a guy was working construction i'll be honest i think i've hit every base in a porta potty

i've definitely fucked in a porta potty that That is more reasonable than drinking off a port-a-potty. For sure. For sure more reasonable. Yeah. That's like we're hot. We're into it. We can't stop each other. This is just like I got to tug my dick, and I'm going to go inside of a toilet to do it. When you go in a port-a-potty, you're inside of a toilet.

We ended up building like a nap room after that. Yeah. We can't keep being off a port-a-potty. So everybody's doing it? It's me and my friend. Like, all right, dude, so I built this little room. Oh, my God. It was more for napping, but if you want to pull putty, you got to pull putty. Bro, this is what I mean, though.

Things like that, like, that ain't happening later in life. Yeah. I can control myself now. Back then, it's like I just – i have to do it right now i am surrounded by feces yet i'm still so horny i have to take care of this this is why by the way when girls are like i love sex too no i need it it's like have you ever masturbated in a fucking toilet no so shut the fuck up you don't need it okay you need

it because you want a boy to like you bro i need it because i'm fucking a pig i was like 19 hung over his shit that's scott dude you know like i'm just thinking like breathing in the air while you're like breathe through your mouth and eat it instead. Disgusting. I think my kids are getting too old for me to talk about shit like this. Great question, though. But you're right. At the end of the day, just getting off is something that you can do through the most adversarial of circumstances. Whereas winning a championship or your team being good is going to take a lot.

Dude, the fact that we were just talking about sex and you bringing up your kids reminded me that I had to... God damn it, dude. I know I just did it, but the way you said it back to back like that, fuck. But I had the thought the other day that

I am the age that my parents were when I would start being like, you think mom and dad still have sex? Yeah, right, right. And it's like, guess what? I'm still fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was probably, like, I'm 36. I was probably 13.

So, like, I was 13, and I'd be like, mom and dad don'm like mom and dad don't do that it's like dude they were doing things they were having sex they were doing things in holes and places they were having sex they were watching porn they were being off in porta potties like like it is it's happening it's crazy to think now that like people be like he's like does he still have sex you think well that's like you know but that people will be like, does he still have sex? Well, that's like when Bella Danger said 50 was the oldest thing she could fathom. When you're young like that, 36 is ancient. It's like, yeah, no, I'm eating your mom's ass. Mom, we did anal last night.

I'm sending a text. Can't wait until that piece of ass gets home. Jackie didn't like that segment. Not at all. That was not a good Jackie segment. I have no energy today and this is just not... I'm just going to tap out. That's how you stop having sex, by the way.

KFC fights Jackie Pabst. Ignore the voice. I know it's ridiculously deep. I'm like the skinniest dude ever. It makes no sense. Okay, bro. What a weird intro. All right, pause that real quick.

Yeah, let me just talk about my cool voice and how skinny I am. I don't know, dude. You seem like a regular looking guy. Dude, regular looking guy. Also, it's a deep voice, but it's not like, whoa, stop the video. How about you just say

your fucking question, dude? I don't need the whole fucking life story. Dude, imagine if pals would walk around going like, I know, I'm the skinniest guy. He's just past. I actually,

I actually, looking at that. No, it's crazy. Clothes stay on me. I can't imagine how it works. I would say, looking at that no it's crazy clothes stay on me I can't imagine how it works I would say looking at that

he kind of looks like a big guy like at least a tall guy I would definitely just not be like oh he's a little skinny string bean

look at this you look like a clammer over here you know guys don't make a big deal out of it I'm coming I know

I know. I know. You're a fucking regular ass guy, dude. Regular voice, regular dude. He has a little bit deeper of a voice. I know. I just shed so much weight. You can barely see me, guys. You can barely see me. I. You can barely see me.

I don't even know if we need the question. Thank you for the material, sir. Go ahead. Oh, this guy sucks. What's up, guys? KFC fights. Jackie, pass. Ignore the voice. I know it's ridiculously deep, and I'm like the skinniest dude ever

so I was going back If anything, you could lose a pound or two. Right? Come on. Looks like a big dude. He has fat hands. Ridiculously skinny, ridiculously deep, and I'm the skinniest guy ever. What? What? I guess so. I guess so. I think we might have to start after that.

I might lose it again. I might lose it again. You might be confused why I have this house behind me. I know. I don't need that much. I'm so again. I might lose it again. You might be confused why I have this house behind me. I know. I don't need that much. I'm so small. I just... All I need is a little shed, I know.

This little muskrat must live in a tree. One more time. Let's go. One more time. What's up, guys? KFC, fights, Jackie, pavs. Ignore the voice. It's ridiculously deep. I'm like the skinniest dude ever.

It makes no sense. Anyway. Hey, guys. I'll be right back. I got like, the skinniest dude ever. It makes no sense. Anyway. Hey, guys, I'll be right back. I got a new sandwich. This is great. And I was watching the one about fantasy football punishments. And it just unlocked a core memory that I have of a league me and my buddies were in about 10 years ago. And that year, we decided to make the punishment for the loser

that they had to eat an entire pineapple followed by an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips. And if they needed something to drink, they were allowed lemonade. That guy was me. Oh, the earring. I just saw the earring. And it just got me thinking,

what is the worst state or condition your mouth has ever been in? How do I say this? My mouth was the aftermath of Chernobyl for about a week after that. It was DEFCON 1. I would take the drinking orange juice, brushing your teeth combo, any day over that. It was hell. So, yeah yeah what's the worst thing you ever had your mouth go through viva well unfortunately for skinny guy here i mean

trench mouth is gonna take the cake on this trench mouth uh yeah well actually i guess there are two things that i've never talked about on the show. It's Trenchmouth. Never happened on the show? Trenchmouth's never been on the show. Oh, wow. Okay. I was going to say, we already know the answer here. I had Trenchmouth once where I woke up. Well, honestly, I've lived this too. You've done this?

Remember when we talked about this? We did it at the Super Bowl last year where you're like, are the cameras out? But we never put out a vlog or anything when I went to the hospital because I ate too much pineapple. Remember that? No. Dude, I was a child.

I was telling you the story. Oh, right, right. And we called my mom, and she was like, yeah, you ate too much pineapple. She just kept feeding me pineapple. And she was like, I don't know, you wanted pineapple. Yeah, you had like a huge bowl of it, right? My mouth went completely numb. It was like an acid.

I could only talk like that. I was crying, but I was sitting in front of the TV watching 1992, the year in sports, a Sports Illustrated tape I had that I would watch on repeat. I'd be like, more pineapple! My mom would bring in a fucking new bowl of pineapple and I'd hammer it.

I had to go to the hospital. His face is falling off. That's right. Like, his face is falling off. That's right. And then, yeah, trench mouth was I woke up one morning, and I had very gray gums. Gray. I had a mouthful of blood. I woke up with a mouthful of blood, which is an unnerving way to wake up. Like, that's a sick gene.

So I went and spit it in the sink, and I was like, oh, it's blood. So I called my dentist and I was home at the time. And I was like, yo, my mouth is bleeding from everywhere. And he was like, all right, I got to open it one. And I was like, dude, it's like 730 in the morning. They'll just spit this blood all day. So I spit blood all day um so i spit blood all day and then i went to the um to the dentist and he was like you have trench mouth and i was like what the

fuck is that and he was like do you know about trench warfare and i was like yeah i don't know what that has to do with my mouth but yeah i've heard of it and he goes well it's what soldiers used to get in the trenches in world war one and i was like look you're saying words that don't make any sense like i don't have the bacteria in the trenches i can't have trench mouth and he said it is not it was not the bacteria that gave people Trench Mouth. It was the stress and anxiety of facing biological warfare that gave them Trench Mouth. The Nazis, yeah. And he goes, do you have any stress in your life right now? And at the time, I had some pretty significant stresses.

And I was like, yeah, I do. And I told it to him. He goes, yeah, you got Trench Mouth. And I was like i mean look i'm a little stressed out but i'm not it just can't be the same as agent orange he's like yeah it is and so uh that's how i had trench mouth bro it really makes me think about that's why i always say this i wish i could just jump into other people's bodies and feel what they feel because i'm like is this normal stress or is like if, if a regular person were to be under my stress,

would their mouth fucking explode and start bleeding? Because then I know whether to shut the fuck up and man up or I got to fix some things. You know what I mean? So I need someone to just like walk a day in my shoes. Dude, imagine if I had to tell you. This is how you live every day? Dude, I wake up, I woke up at four o'clock today.

I just laid in bed for five hours before i got going i can't i got i'm gonna have to start like working out or writing again or doing something i wake up at 4 a.m that's crazy and it's not like it's like i think it is i wake up in my mind just starts fucking racing so it is probably that kind of shit it's not like i'm like not tired i'm fucking tired i want to go back to sleep but i'm just like i'm sitting there for six hours like this and then i go time to go to work yeah and then i just go to work is that going to kill me like am i going to have you know a fucking aneurysm and if someone else were to be in my shoes they would like stop work stop everything i need to like go to a fucking doc you know what i mean yeah or is it just like, no, this is life.

I don't know. We'll never find out. We'll see if I die. I can't envision a world in which we tell the past our problems. And they're like, yeah, that sounds bad. But yeah. Imagine if I went to the trenches. But it's all relative, dude.

On some fucking nightmare before Christmas. What's the Christmas story with Ebenezer Sc screws uh ghost christmas past christmas carol yeah if i went to the trenches on some christmas carol shit and i was like boys i know what you're going through right and then one time like they're like oh you fought fascism in the future i'm like no but chicks can be like kind of tough sometimes like they would shoot me they'd shoot me in the head we head. We had this discussion at live shows. I think there's a world where Grandpa would rather be out there with just like a fucking rifle killing people than dealing with mental warfare and psychotic chicks. I think that could break down the toughest of soldiers. I swear to God, send them to Guantanamo.

Put an average chick in the CIA and put an average chick in like the terror cell uh the torture cells and all these problems will be fixed all this shit these girls are fucking they're dangerous bro they are weapons they're weapons of mass destruction they really are they'd be so confused they'd be like what do you mean you've done this like they're calling this the war to end all wars there's more wars oh there's plenty you're like kind of in a sense a sense. Everyday wars. Kind of. Sometimes, like, you get a little wrapped up. They go through your phones, okay? They look at your text messages. They fight dirty.

There's a lot to explain to you right now. No, it makes sense. Trust me. Trust Miles does not die with you. But that's the thing is that you're right. Obviously, objectively, that's harder. But it's like when you're a little kid, your brain's reacting the same way as those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not the same, but your brain's reacting the same, so you feel the same. So your mouth bleeds. So it doesn't matter whether the thing – In terms of gray. Oh, the gray is what's – the bleeding is like whatever. People have blood in their mouth. The gray gums is the problem. Trench mouth, dog.

Oof. What was the cure? Was it just like – Did it fix itself? I wouldn't say it fixed itself, but... It came to a head. Yeah, it got worked out. It came to a head. We'll say that.

I should defend women right now, but I don't have it in me. But women are all crazy. Yeah, whatever. All right, last one. What's up, gang? How we doing today? I was recently re-watching or trying to re-watch The Walking Dead. What's this guy's name?

We've got to know his name, too. He calls it Austin. The other day, which I don't really know why. I'm trying to re-watch it because it's just the same thing over and over year after year season after season and i always just stop watching it like midway through because i get bored but um i was watching this one episode i don't know season four or five doesn't really matter but they just randomly had like a dubstep song playing in a getaway scene that the characters in the show

were actually listening to. Like, oh god, we always hate it when so-and-so drives because he always plays the same music. Then it starts playing some whompy Skrillex dubstep song. Something silly like that just because of

the time or the year that the episode came out and i just thought that it was like so off-putting and so out of context but like i'm sure the music editor or whoever was just like oh this song will just be like so perfect for the time that this episode comes out and uh so i was wondering if you could think of a time where uh music just like did not match a tv show or a movie but just because of the time that it like came out it i don't know the editors or the music producers you know what's great with this and um yeah the like disney channel shows where there's like like it's like hillary duff and she's like doing like a hip-hop dance have you ever seen those they're like yeah it's like at the time it like

or like save the last dance with julia styles have you seen that you've probably seen that that's like she's like this girl who like dances at like juilliard and then some some black dude teaches her how to like dance hip-hop and she mixes in and like the final dance is so bad so bad but at the time it was like oh shit julia's killing it and there's like uh i should watch footloose and it's the same thing yeah yeah there's a lot like all that shit's always going to be dated there's a lot of disney shows where there's like there's some it's either like miley or haley hillary duff or something where they where they rap or something. There's like a rap that's like brutal. Brutal. And I know

that they were like, this is gonna kill. All those things are so dated. I couldn't find it. I was just looking for it. I watched the Penguin over the weekend. And there was, I think it's the scene when like Oz and the chick get pulled out of the club and like the other family the the uh

the like the the maroney maroney's like put them down on their knees yeah and then yeah yeah the i think that's the scene but it's something outside the song which is kept playing and was like it was a rap song but it was like hey boy where's my spinach and it just kept repeating and like the only reason i noticed is because i had subtitles on uh okay and the subtitles kept popping up and i was like why does this guy keep asking about his fucking spinach like it was a ridiculous fucking song that that reference like there was only there was only like one lyric and it was like just talking about spinach it was crazy um like as in a weed reference or just i guess it could have been weed or it could have been just like money but by the way the penguin phenomenal i

thought it was good oh i think it's phenomenal but like but like that's that's me like that's this isn't really my genre like i think that that would be it goes beyond that like i don't even feel like i'm watching the fucking penguin i feel like i'm watching like a like a regular like crime family type thing but there's so much overtone even what's your face is great she's very good but even her i think she's she's too like it's all too comic booky for me like even when like she's a good villain but it almost like feels like a like winky at camera like i'm being yeah i guess that is kind of her vibe i feel like that show could be as much about her as it is about he i think he's great dude because i i really forget very often i have to remind myself it's colin colin farrell yeah yeah like he he's just limping around must be a bitch

that foot scene where they see his toes oh oh yeah the it's good i think it's like if i showed you like a fast and furious like these aren't really my movies but like it's good i enjoy it but like it's not also we i don't think we've done it on camera yet lioness is lioness is maybe the best show i've ever watched. It's a great show. I really... I just did the rundown, and I was like,

I stake my absolute reputation on it. And me and Dave usually don't get along, you know, with TV. Like, we don't see eye to eye. And I was like, I said, it's Homeland mixed with House of Cards mixed with Black Hawk Down.

And Dave was like, bros. He goes, say less. Yeah. No, it's... It is. And you know why I love them first of all every episode not a wasted minute there's no like fluff and season one comes to an end they fucking there's

a beginning a middle and an end yeah and they they finish the fucking there's no cliffhanger there's a whole not next season and it's just as good with a different thing going on but you get like the fucking answer at the end it's awesome that's so rare especially for a season you have to wait till the end of a series this show fucking when it's all said and done I wouldn't be surprised if I was like this is my favorite show ever

Taylor Sheridan I personally think works best in like a modern era with modern military weapons yeah like because i mean my favorite being my favorite well i guess i like it's sicario and flying is probably my two favorite tower sheridan things but also i love hella high water he does the cowboy thing pretty well yeah but he smashed i also don't know what his role is and all these things i think sometimes he's a writer sometimes he's a showrunner sometimes he's a producer so i don't know what's what but whatever he's doing with

lioness do with the rest of the show because it's fucking unbelievable see the for episode one season two of lioness is like i think people who know what i've seen sicario know like the scene in sicario like when they go across the border and come back there's like there's a fucking badass scene that's the whole episode one it's like an hour and a half of just that and it's i think i think season one episode i think the series premiere is up there for the best premiere i've ever seen yeah because it came on autoplay for me i was watching from and it just kept going and i was like oh that's how you gotta do it yeah and i because i've seen it and i was like i gotta watch that but it's on mgm and i didn't know where to find it but then from is also on mgm it's on paramount plus i guess it's on it's on a whole bunch of things but yeah um

and it just went and i was like wait a minute like 15 minutes in i was like the first thing i noticed i was like this is very at least what i believe to be real i don't know what these helicopters and boat and and cars and guns look like but i was like this seems like they put a lot of money into this yeah and it's a tv show and i was like so this is like i'm like i feel like i'm watching a movie and then like 20 minutes and 30 minutes and i was like this is incredible and next thing you know like the season was done uh do you think of the cia they like run a test to see if when you drink you'll tell people like i feel like that's kind of they they they yes they make her get drunk they literally got oh make her get drunk and they when you drink you'll tell people like I feel like that's kind of they have to take them out one day

yes they make her get drunk literally that they make her get drunk and they torture her yeah and they're like we need to push you

to the brink to see like if you'll that's literally exactly what you described is like probably the first like three episodes that's so crazy

yeah I figured that probably had to be like a legitimate test yeah yeah they were they uh would you guys join if they came to you

and they were like hell no literally this show was I was like why would anybody do I mean in this show Yeah Yeah they were They Would you guys join If they came to you And they were like Hell no Literally this show I was like Why would anybody do I mean in this show You understand why Like this girl

Has nowhere to turn So she turns to the military But like The people who get sucked in On some propaganda shit Like Do this for your country Fuck that bro

If they were like We Like you're the only guy Who can do that I'd be like I got you You would I'd be like Whatever the problem is I guy who can do it, I'd be like, I got you. You would.

I'd be like, whatever the problem is, I'm going to keep at it. Yeah, I'd be like, I guarantee you I'm not, and there's a million other people who can do it. Yeah, I promise you I'm not the guy. I would be so flattered I would do it, though. I would 100% do it. I'd be like, I think you guys are wrong. I don't think I can do this, but I'm down to try. And you think after the torture and shit, you would still do it i think like as soon as the torture started i'd be like okay stop i'm done i'm done never mind i'm clearly not the guy i'm clearly not the guy i think it's like

getting out of jury duty i would give up the secrets i'd be like yeah this is here's the secret you can't i can't trust me you can't trust me i'm out it's kind of like what i said earlier we're like i'm good at accepting reality like i thought about that when i was watching the penguin this weekend and uh sophia falcone goes to uh uh arkham for like six months and she has this big freak out about it yeah and i was watching i was like i wouldn't freak out i'd be like all right well she kind of does though she kind of comes to terms with it like right away yeah you'd be like six months i'm gonna have some good days i'm gonna have some bad days yeah but in six months it's done and i think i'd be like war is my so it's pretty tough though bro well obviously yeah i think we're living in a bit of a hypothetical world here right but i could even see like prison

you know you can like maybe make through like war is tough bro or is not definitively not but i wouldn't even do it for the war i'd'd do it for, because they fucking have some good hangs, dude. I'd do it for the hangs. I do love the crew. Yeah. It's awesome. When they're just hanging out in the desert drinking beers.

I would do it for like the montage of like, me like, with the guy, I don't know. Yeah, but there's no montages in real life. There are ones you're done,

they play in your head. I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would need a real montage. I'd be like, if you film me and make this awesome TV show, we'll do it. The, no, when I was hanging need a real montage i'd be like if you film me and make this awesome awesome tv show we'll do it the uh no like when i was hanging out having beers i'm like all right we got a fucking fight to be able to have these moments fine i could see you being

a good like extraction guy the way what's cool about lioness is again i don't know if this is real or fake i feel like it's more real they're just like like there's no like put your gun down it's just like i see you you're dead everybody's dead it's just like we killed them all they're all they're all gone she says that one i think it's in season two she has one point where yeah they're talking about like put the gun down let her go let her go he's like no i mean kill everybody yeah when she's like she's like we don't do courtrooms yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she was like she was like what do i do about the hostage? She was like, you shoot her and him. We're a kill team.

We kill people. Oh, shit. You shoot her in the head and then shoot the gunman. I would be good at that. But anyway, also just to say, I think like the dubstep era was like maybe the lowest in humanity for music like ever. I agree. Like the particular, like the, like,

cause it was at the same time as like Avicii, David Guetta. And that shit did that fucking hit. Yeah. I go back and listen to it now. It's like, you can't like just listen to like levels, you know what I mean?

You have to be in the party. Oh, I disagree. It's funny you say that. Cause I, I'm going to find it real quick. I just saw someone retweet something the other day. Um,

but that was like, uh, what did it say it is funny for like our generation thinking about like you're playing you know avicii with your kids and shit like that here it is this tweet was just it's just it said 12 years ago this song came out and the quote to it was God himself was in that studio. The whompy fucking people kind of banged to it.

That's a real song. That to me is like... I like Skrillex. I like Skrillex's hits. His pop songs. I like the Bieber song. It was the one... Alright. Anything else? I saw it nowhere this weekend. I like the Bieber song. It was the one. All right. Anything else?

I saw a Nora this weekend. Movie of the year, in my opinion. What movie? A Nora. This is the one you keep saying I haven't seen a Nora yet, and I don't even know what it is. I think I'm going to go see it tonight. I saw a real pain this weekend. It's a Sean Baker movie.

He makes movies all about prostitutes. It's about a prostitute. That's a weird niche. He makes movies about hookers. That's it. That's his a prostitute. That's a weird niche. He makes movies about hookers. That's his thing, yeah. That seems like he's probably a serial killer or something. Just hookers. Yeah, but they're fun movies.

They're fun movies. They're fun hookers. They're a little bit of comedy in all of them. But he's also trying to remove the stigma from prostitution. That's his whole thing. All right. I mean, he's a good guy it was great the he did what he did tangerine in the florida project florida project yeah um but yeah real pain real pain is also very good i did go by myself for the first time ever remember we talked about this unbelievable going to the movies by yourself is now my new favorite thing to do absolutely it's a freeing

spiritual experience it is the i will the undisputed like thing uh what uh if you could go back in time and tell people like tell your younger self some advice or go to movies by yourself because there's a point where you think it's lame and all that and it will literally unlock a whole new side of your life like i can just do this all the time it's amazing do something alone you can't be a loser about it like you have to like you gotta fucking do it yeah just fucking do it like i i still you know like when trent went to john mayer by himself i was like that's a move i still don't know it's a little too far i still don't think i can do that but the same way i said the same thing about movies so maybe when i'm like 50 i'll be like

i've been missing out on concerts this whole time so maybe you should just always do shit by yourself sway into john mayer by yourself. It's a bit much. Dude, the, what was it? Oh, by the way, congratulations to Frankie Burley. Yes, congrats to Frankie. I watched, did I say this on the show, My Old Ass? I don't think you said it on the show.

I think you told us this. Dude, I watched My Old Ass on Prime. What's that? Aubrey Plaza. I thought of it because you said tell your younger self. The concept of it is it's an 18-year-old girl. She takes mushrooms. Yes, yes, yes.

She trips and sees. I haven't seen it, but I know. Her 40-year-old self, 39. Great casting job, by the way. They look like she could be the younger girl. But it's very good. It's like an hour and 20. Really good.

And then, dude, I like Only the Brave Wept. Really? Like I was laughing out loud to myself. Like this is fucking ridiculous, dude, I like only the brave wept. Really? Like I was laughing out loud to myself. Like this is fucking ridiculous, dude. I can't wait now. That's great. I was like, whew. Good cry.

Good cry. It was unbelievable. I called friends, and I was like, yo, you should watch my old ass. Like I wept. And I was like, I've been due for good crying. Ipt and when i was like i've been dude i've been dude for good crime like i felt i felt like you were that's why that's why i called you i felt like you might have been you need it yeah dude like it was sometimes you gotta force yourself you know what i watched it the same day i watched um what was on bridesmaids was on

right i was watching the movie i was watching with someone and I was like it's Chris O'Dowd isn't bridesmaids You know the Irish actor. Yes. Yeah, and I was like I was again like I used to get I looked like him a lot and They go No, not really. It's just you both have your eyes too close to your nose And I said, what? They just say that because you both have your eyes too close. I was like, well, I never heard

that before. New insecurity unlocked. They're right. I went way too close to my nose. I would have never thought. You're so close to my nose I would have never thought Looking like Paz's eyes Look at John He's so close to my nose dude

It's crazy Insane It's You know why I don't think it about you? Cause I also have seen K-Marco Yeah I mean K-Marco's eyes are touching

Yeah K-Marco has the Cyclops Those are So you were like the normal one Bro I was like You gotta be fucking kidding me. And then I was like, yeah, no, you fucking nailed it.

That's exactly what's wrong with me. That's the meanest thing. No, just to like unleash that on someone. My nose is too big and the eyes are too close to it. You fucking drilled it. It's just the whole center spot. The whole area. There is something like beauty.

I forget what it is. But it's something. It's either you're uglier with the ratio or you're prettier with the ratio it's like the golden ratio yeah yeah yeah i don't think john i don't think any of us have it yeah yeah my eyes filter there's a filter that shows my eyes are way closer the inside of those eyes is where my eyes start and they out yeah. Yeah, it's also your eyes, I think, aren't very wide or long. So they stop short. They touch the nose, and they stop short.

Yeah. Like, Paz's eyes go all the way out to here. Right. Your eyes stop, like, there. Dude, pull up. I just got a perfect nose. Perfect nose. We actually were talking about this before the show started, I think.

Pull up Homeless Pimps Instagram. Because I went to the Soda Show like two weeks ago. And I wore a leather jacket that I was not comfortable wearing. And I was like, I don't know if this jacket's me. Like it's a little too much. Which is funny that you think that. Yeah. You could wear literally anything, bro.

Nobody would ever be like, that's too much for Fidelberg. I was like, I don't know. But I was like, whatever. I'm not going to see anyone tonight. Who cares? First person I see outside Tom Hall is almost pimp. And he's like, dude, let me take your picture. So he took a picture of me.

And I saw this picture literally the next day after this comment. And I was like, oh, my eyes are way too close together. But, I mean, they're just slits. Your eyes all together are too small and too close together but i mean they're they're they're just they're slits your eyes all together are too small and too close i mean you look fucking asian if it wasn't for like the irish beard and hair i'd be like that's an asian dude that's fucking insane he just threw you up like hard posts like that oh but it's like it's like a car it's a carousel it's the last picture on a carousel. It's a carousel. That was just that?

It's the last picture on a carousel. And I was like, the jacket. It's funny because, again, this happened the next day. But the next day I found out about my eyes. And by the time he posted this, I was like, oh, the jacket actually doesn't look so bad. The eyes are a fucking nightmare, though. But you're laughing. You know, when you laugh, you kind of...

I'm trying to throw you a bone here. You also don't have eyebrows there. No. Nah, it's a whole mess. Throw me right in that trash can. You look ridiculously skinny, though, bro. Throw me. All right.

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Obviously, you will notice kevin's not here kevin called me this morning was like can you do it alone 99 out of 100 people i'd be like dude let's just cancel it oh i can i i feel comfortable with you man i feel great i told him cancel it i said i don't want to hang out with jack and fights get rid of it so for you to say that actually brought some tears to my eyes but no i'm happy'm happy to be here, man. Love the new studio. I haven't gotten here. It's very good. I'm honestly, it gives such a basement vibe from like watching it.

I had no idea it wasn't in a basement. I thought everything changed. So it's nice. I like it. It is quite a basement vibe. It is great. It's an interesting spot. Oh, it's sick.

But we were talking beforehand about Macy's, and I was going to ask you if you ever worked retail. But then you said something that you used to be a drug dealer. Oh, yeah, I was a drug dealer. That was my thing. When were you a drug dealer? I was a drug dealer most of my life. Really?

Before comedy. I feel like I talk about this too much on the podcast. But before comedy really started to pop, that was my thing. I sold weed and I was big into Norcos. What's Norcos? It's like a lesser. It's like two Vicodin in one. Really?

Yeah. So you were pushing pills. I was pushing pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was it. I did it. But then when it all started again, my whole thing has always been this. I skateboarded until I got better at football and skateboarding. stopped doing that then i played football until i got better at drug

dealing than playing football which wasn't that hard you know i mean you know and then i stopped drug dealing once i get good at comedy okay it makes sense right yeah you don't let go of a branch so you got your hand on another exactly yeah exactly i've monkey barred through life on the darker end of it, but I came out okay. I was never a drug dealer. You've worked Macy's? I never worked Macy's. I worked retail. Okay.

But I lived with a drug dealer. Oh, let's go into that. My first time when I first lived in New York, I was 21. I lived in the Upper East Side, like 71st and 2nd or something like that. And we had this dog shit apartment. I didn't have any money, obviously. And my roommate was a drug dealer, and I worked for Marshall at the time. So I would just sit on the couch and blog,

and people would just come into the apartment, and he would just hand out, like, I don't even know, like, drug dealing. I never got into weed until post, until it was legalized. So I don't really know, like, dime bag. I don't know, like, nickel bag. I don't know nickel bag. I assume that means $5 and $10. It depends. A dime bag could mean a gram.

A nickel bag, you've got to be like a hobo. If someone asks him for a nickel, I'm not the guy. I can say when I dealt drugs, I moved past nickel bag people. But yeah, dime bag could mean a gram or $10 for everyone. Gram or $10. All right. I was never. It was weird sitting there for that but then he ever get go like yo my boy's gonna come by can you throw him a bag no oh no yeah i think most of it was to like people we

kind of knew like it was it was one of those things like we were again we were in new york he was like a club promoter yeah and i think he sold weed to people he'd promote the clubs to. But did you ever have, when you were dealing drugs, did you ever have people ask for things other than drugs? Like, not sex. You got some good drugs for being like, could you give blowjobs as well? The reason I ask is, I remember I was living in Boston at the time, and I was getting coke from this guy. And I was like, yo, can you get me steroids?

Oh, yeah. And he was like, what? And I was like, who the fuck else am I going to ask? You're my connection to the underworld, man. I used to run drugs over the border. That's how I got my pills. Really? One time i tried

to get windstraw remember when yeah i took it yeah that was the only pill i got it that was the pill you could take was the windstraw everything else was injection so i tried one time to get windstraw so yeah i did a little bit but um yeah you know they would ask for stuff and i would do it i never went to high mexico i was in california i Oh, that's right. I'm thinking, yeah, yeah, of course. So I would run down. Oh, Sacramento guy. Dude, it was the craziest one. We used to do it all the time, and then it just got so crazy.

But, yeah, they would give a thing. I was like, I'll find it for you. But then I stopped. You know, when you sell weed, you don't got people hitting you up at 5 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knocking on your door and stuff like that. Like, you start getting to a different world when you get in that and i never really wanted to get in that i i remember i've said text before my life like 6 a.m like yo you around and then be like this fucking guys are an asshole this is

your job this is what you're supposed to do you don't see 7-eleven taking time off dog like dude i'll go my guy will be up my guy will be up then you start competing lazy ass carlos dude come on man the worst is like my guy will be up we got the same guy fuck he's not gonna be up so i never did that one and i did definitely the thing where i was never like a guy who's like on the street corner fucking selling weed i was the guy like you know at the time I it all started from this one kid I knew that would sell me high grade dime bags for five bucks and I'd flip them for 10 and then I'd make money kind of like that and then everyone else ever had a plug so they'd be like it just started as that like hey Steve why don't you get

me one of those dime bags you get and then when I'd buy one I get two and then they're trying to just it was never a plan it just kind of folded into it so get. And then when I buy one, I get two. And then China just, it was never a plan. It just kind of folded into it. So it was never a thing. I mean, I stopped close to 10 plus years ago. But it was never a thing of like, I'm on a corner selling drugs. It was like, everyone who would buy from me was a friend. And I never, even when I got into the pills, it was back then when they weren't fake.

Yeah, yeah. You know? And then once it started getting fake, that was the same time I started getting out of it. And some people go, it was fake. It wasn't. I had, like, scripts and everything. But only one guy I knew really didn't go well for me. I don't know if it was my fault.

I don't know. I think he had made some terrible trouble. That's what's crazy to me is I've noticed with like the fake stuff, you know, like with fentanyl and stuff. It just ruins everything. Ruins everybody's good time. But like I see,

I think it's happening with Liam Payne, the One Direction guy right now, but there have been like, there have been celebrities, Mac Miller's guy got fucking. That one was crazy. It's crazy to be like that famous and you still can't get something good right like your fame should be able to get it your money should be able and you still get

fucked but you're dropping us off at the shangri-la how the fuck is there fentanyl in there i met you at the chateau i take a good joke drugs at the chateau got this tweet about me like how the fuck you not bring me the right stuff man um? But, like, when they, like, I think his guy got charged with, like, second-degree murder, right? And then I think Liam Payne, the One Direction guy, I just read just now that his death is not going to be ruled a suicide. It's going to be ruled the effects of drug use is what. And he was in South America, too, right? He was in, like, Argentina, I want to say. Dude, you can't get real drugs in South America?

That's crazy. Dude, the best drugs I ever bought in Argentina, I want to say. Dude, you can't get real drugs in South America? That's crazy. Dude, the best drugs I ever bought in my life were off of Cabby and El Salvador. El Salvador? Were you doing a Mormon mission? The fuck are you doing in El Salvador? I got friends from there, man. Actually, no, no, no. I was visiting a friend from El Salvador.

We were in Colombia at the time. And Cabby was just like, you guys want to buy a Coke? Yeah, the Coke. I was like, this is the greatest place in the country in the world. I don't know why people call this the third world. It's amazing You guys got a lot of murder in here. Huh? cool area Do I went on that trip? I was going to visit a friend and

It was a hundred years ago this this is probably six seven years ago This is before the Bitcoin this was the most dangerous place in in the world i don't think so i maybe so maybe the murder rate was el salvador was one of those dangerous places no el salvador i was in high school el salvador's own this is the columbia trip oh okay okay kind of popping because they i've heard they like border off the city and like there's areas you can hang out dude bogota was awesome yeah that's what i heard but the so it was like a very impromptu trip where like my friend calls me thursday night and like basically a drunk call like 11 p.m 12 p.m it's like you gotta come down and i was like fuck i'll be here tomorrow and so i get on the flight lay over in miami i send her a text i'm like yo i'm in miami oh he didn't say it was a girl

in the beginning it's like one of my friends called me a little bit drunk. He didn't go, a bad bitch in Columbia called me, and I had to chop on a fucking layover. I was like, I don't know if any of my friends would have done a layover in Miami to hang out with me. Oh, a bad bitch in Bogota. Okay, keep the story going. But so I sent her a text. I'm like, yo, flight's about to take off. I'll be in Columbia in like two hours, whatever it was. And so we land.

And she goes, okay, here's my address, whatever. And we land, get through customs like a breeze, and then get outside. And the guy's like, he's like, yo, you need a ride? Yeah, the cab's down there on the guys. I was like, perfect. You know, great. So I get in the cab.

And you know when you land in a new country, like, it takes a while for your phone to kind of, like, link up to whatever network they have. So I get in the car, and we're driving, and, like, my phone starts blowing up. And it's, like, all the texts that she had sent me on the flight coming through. And it was like, whatever you do, do not get in a cab with someone who offers you a cab. Go wait in the cab line. And I'm looking out the window, and it's raining. I'm looking out the window as we're driving by the cab line. I'm like, that's not where I got this guy from.

And I was just sitting there. And I don't speak the language well enough to be like, yo, let me out of the car. I also didn't want to be rude in a new country. Was it a tiny, weird little car, too? The cabs, every time I go in there, I'm just like, hey, buddy, thanks for picking me up. Like a Vietnamese man on the market. I didn't know they made Toyotas this small. This is crazy.

This is the Toyota Mini? It's fun when you go to Southern America or different places, and they have cars you've never even seen. You've ever seen those? Oh, yeah. There's like the Toyota Troubadour. You're like, I've never heard of this in my life, but it does kind of slap. You know what's crazy? I forgot about this until just now.

While I was there, I don't know what the current ruling on it is in Colombia, but Uber was illegal. But they can't block it or anything like that. So you can still order an Uber, but it's technically illegal to do so. So I get an Uber back to the airport on the way coming home. I think cocaine is legal there, too. Uber is not. So if you can get an Uber, you can buy whatever you want to get, but it's going to be hard to get in the Uber.

It's like when they decriminalize weed, and it's like, you can have it, but you can't buy it. And it's like, all right. But I had to sit shotgun in the Uber, and then I had to give my Uber driver a hug when he was dropping me off at the airport because I had to make it look like he was my buddy. Because there's all the police and the army around. So, I got to dap him up, give him a hug.

I'm like, adios, mi amigo. I'll always remember you, brother. I'm hugging this fucking little dude. Pick him up. You swing him in circles. Me and him clearly are lifelong friends. This is my best friend. Rodrigo El Salvador.

Fun trip, though salvador fun trip though very fun trip oh i couldn't even imagine just meeting a bad bitch in bogota damn i get girls in fucking des moines and they don't look like fucking you get a lot of girls on the road no i'm uh engaged that's why i mean i do that so i don't do that but um and i got a bad girl at my house. Everything's good. That's why I was talking to you earlier where it's like, I'm just so happy now. And for someone, it's just so scary when things are happy. Because when things are bad, it can only get better. But when they're good, it can only get worse. And that's where my anxieties go. You know, like at a birthday party, I'm getting presents.

I'm like, someone's going to shoot me right now. You know, like the anxiety is peaking in me. So it's a little rough right now in the sense that it's so good, which is an odd question to say, even though my life's not that great, but it's just like, you know. It's simple. It's simple. I got a little bit of money at the end of the month.

I could put it into Robin Hood, you know follow what nancy pelosi's doing feel like a mover a trendsetter and that's alarming but it feels nice yeah that's awesome i dude i i don't think i get what you're saying but i'm i'm the opposite in the sense like when things are bad i'm like so this is my life now and when things are good i like, so this is my life now. And when things are good, I'm like, so this is my life now. You just keep betting. You win if you're gambling. It's like, do it again. Blackjack again.

Well, because I'm like, I'm not going to make any changes. So whatever's happening is what's going to happen for the rest of my fucking life. Oh, that's great. Well, it's great when it's going good. Yeah. No, it's not great. I'm run now. We made $20 on the blackjack table. Go home.

Sleep the rest of the night. That's who you are? I'm that guy. Dude. I'm run now. We made $20 on the blackjack table. Go home, sleep the rest of the night. That's who you are? I'm that guy. Dude, I'm like a puppy. I don't like calling it early. Really? Because I'm like, what if something fucking awesome happens? Because usually it doesn't.

No. But I would bet this. I am part of 96% of the great stories that happened on nights I was out. Oh, you're the medium that it happens. I'm just like, I'm not going home. So in case something happens. So there's probably 4% of the time I've gone home and something awesome happened that night. How old are you now?

I'm 36. Yes. I feel I just hit 35 and everything has changed for me now. I don't want to keep it going. I want to. Yes. I feel I just hit 35, and everything has changed for me now. I don't want to keep it going. I want to go home. I don't want to do what you want to do. I'll go to, like, maybe one. But my stories are ending now.

It's like, what did you do last night? It was fucking crazy. Went to a bar at 6. Got dinner at 8. Went to home about 10.30. Begged my fucking hot fiance, and that was it. Everyone's like, dude, we went to home about 10 30 banged my fucking hot fiance and that was it everyone's like dude we went to chinatown and it was like 6 a.m before we left dude we saw asap rocky denzel curry was there it was sick i was like really dude um i'm i'm i also made the change

i feel like most people make that change at like 25 like i didn't make a change i didn't like have an active decision when i'm like i need to walk in like i just kind of like i don't know i i'm i my brain flipped 10 years later than everyone else yeah for me mine was like a boxer who's like 42 like you know i'm still in the ring i'm just getting hit every time and then at some point my friends and family were like it's time to retire and then i was like 35 and they pulled the rug they threw in the white towel I was getting hit every time. And then at some point, my friends and family were like, it's time to retire. And then I was like 35 and they pulled the rug. They threw in the white towel.

And now I'm at home smoking weed, watching fucking murder. Which is great. Which still slaps. It's so funny to be like, I've matured. I sit at home and eat ice cream and get high now. I'm an adult man. And then they're like, wasn't that what you did at 13? And you're like, what?

What? I've been saying that I basically, in my late maturing, if we'll call it that, I've realized that I'm a person who's just 10 years retarded with everything. When I was young, my mom got me tested for special needs like late and she she she always has it twice she they she tested herself she well they she brought me he's so bad i gotta see if something's wrong with me like falling in her eyes she brought me and the doctor's like he's fine he's he's good and then like two years later she's like i to have them run that test again. This is crazy.

We're going to do a different doctor. Switch them around. Can't check in a second opinion like it's an ACL. She's like, come on, Doc. I got a championship game coming up. Look at his lip. He's not well, Doc. But then I hit puberty really late.

Like, I hit puberty at, like, 19. And then I. What was that like? What do you. Because I don't. Mine was a gradual one. They slowly sprinkled it. You got hit at 19? What do you. Because I don't. Mine was a gradual one. They slowly sprinkled it. You got hit at 19.

Well, no, I guess mine was gradual, too, because I was never like small or anything like that. I never like. I hit the puberty as far as growth goes. But I didn't have facial hair and I didn't have pubes. I didn't have like anything like that. I didn't look like a man. I was the size of a bigger person. You're like six foot, six one.

But the like I wasn't. I just didn't have hair. I was like a little piglet yeah it looked like a little boy um and then like everything happens for me like 10 years later than it happens to everyone else which is nice i guess in a sense i would say yeah a normal everyday person we're about 10 years behind them yeah but of our peers like if you start slowing down at 35 or 30 you're like this guy's adulting he's taking care of himself he's doing what he needs to do in the kind of entertainment world that we're in because i have friends that are like you know 40 still

going balls right i also think we were we are a few of the only people who like took the took into account that age has changed yes right like people don't people like yeah settled down in their 20s when we died at 70 like we died fucking 90 now dude like i'll run it till i'm 40 then yes and i also feel like you know like when my friends were keep going it's like i feel like i'm a guy who got in the league at like 17 18 you know the miles that are on my knees my lungs are a lot higher than other people. So I had to retire at a decent age. You know, 35, I got out.

I had my pension. I put the years in the league. Wasn't a star, but, you know, I'm a solid Matt Barnes. I can do a podcast now. I can do a podcast now and try and fight people. But that's about all I really got going on right now you're in town doing shows for comedy week right? yeah tickets are flying off the shelf

actually what they said is tickets are coming back on the shelf they've never seen that before so I'm very excited about that New York Comedy Club I'm in town I'm bringing my show I got this show called Comedy Confidential that I've brought to all the festivals it's doing really great.

I'm really excited to be in this festival. It's where the it's OK. The beginning is a little whatever. The audience and obviously put secrets into a bucket. OK. Community goes up and riffs on them, but they keep their favorite one. And this is what makes it special. At the end of the show, we do a panel.

We try to bring our favorite secrets on stage to confess what they're doing. If they do that, I buy their whole tab. Really? on stage to confess what they're doing if they do that i buy their whole tab really so like you'll get people like really confessing to some crazy shit just for me to buy a $50 tab like one guy the last guy said he got this more of an la thing i don't you guys might have ever heard of the abbey the abbey no it's the one the most famous gay club in la you you set me up on that one. Pass, baby! This dude goes, he ate a girl's ass at the Abbey and he got staph infection in his face

and he had pictures and his whole face, his ears were swollen. He looked like, you remember when Macaulay Culkin got stung by bees? He was Culkin'd out. He had a picture? Yeah yeah his whole face was fucked up because he ate a girl's ass in the bathroom at this gay club oh which is great so that's the kind of stuff that you get and the show's been really good but uh we're excited for it tonight

i think i've seen a clip of you i think someone was there a confession one time where it was just like like outright racist yeah no there's a lot of them. A lot of people really get it. They don't claim those ones often. They'll let that one. They're like, I'll pay for my tab. I don't know. I don't know. They're not good yet.

I feel like I saw a clip where it was just like, I hate black people or something like that. Yes, that one's classic. That was also, it was so funny because I remember that show, and it was four dudes were sitting right here, and they were all SEC dripped. You know those guys? Oh, yeah. Tight polo, red stripes, khaki shorts. Hoover high cut. Yeah, the haircuts they got down there are like middle school.

They're kind of curly. Pericosa Del Mar's with the fucking, what do you call it? So they were sitting there and I was like okay, I know what it is. But it was fun. I gotta guess where this one came from. This one might have come from

the Sigma Chi boys up front. I'm gonna do socks with the Sperry's for 500 please. But we were talking beforehand about retail. Aside from drug dealing. What were you doing? I guess you kind of just told me.

You went from high school football to drug dealing. I worked retail a little bit. There's a couple places. My first job was I worked at a zoo. You worked at a zoo? Yeah, in Sacramento Zoo. Your first job? Mm-hmm.

Dude, I think I worked at a power plant for my first job. A zoo sounds way better. What did you do at a zoo? Yeah, in Sacramento Zoo. For your first job? Mm-hmm. Dude, I think I worked at a power plant for my first job. A zoo sounds way better. What'd you do at a zoo? Definitely better than a power plant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in the beginning, so in Sacramento, I was a 16, and it wasn't like I wasn't like a zoo person, but we ran like an after-school program there during the summer.

And like one of your first jobs is very depressing. But our hippo was so depressed that it would try to kill itself and drown itself oh it's like you kind of had very sad stuff but it's horrifically hilarious your job was just to try you kind of poke it they had like a stick and you'd have to make sure it was awake and that was like so there's like three things this is actually a crazy story there's three things you start off first day on the job everyone got butterflies right because you can't you can't fuck up the butterfly exhibit no one's gonna notice if a couple

they fly they don't even got a cage it's honestly just a bush just stay here and then you got moved up, which always surprised me. You got hippo pretty quick. I would have said, you know, a hippo with like a mental disorder, give it five, six years in the game. No, if you move past butterflies, you got hippo. And then if you could poke this thing away, then you got move. I never got past this one.

You get higher and higher. Giraffe was the best because you'd feed it and you were a star of the show. I made it to Mangabee. And now. What's Mangabee? So Mangabee's a monkey, right? And you've seen this monkey. Okay.

A gibbon is the one that goes like you hear when they're and it puts his arm out yeah that's a gibbon they got big arms are kind of fun a mangabee is a very territorial animal i didn't know this right but i didn't know everyone wanted mangabee because this is what the mangabee is the true story swear to god sacramento zoo may be still there maybe is a territorial animal and i when i got to the mangabee you know i was feeling myself right past butterflies week done hippo two weeks bag i'm already at fucking mangabee right and my boy goes you're gonna want to stay here this dude he's been doing three summers he's 19 everyone's 16 it's weird he's at mangabee he won't go past mangabee and he goes this is what you do so mangabee i swear to this is true, was a very territorial animal.

If you flicked your elbows at it quick like this, I swear to God, you would start jerking off, right? I swear to God. It's not a bit. You can look it up. So as you can see why this guy didn't leave in three years, because this is what I need to do. I'm making a monkey jerk off.

So the biggest thing would be to get the biggest group of people around and then be like you know you can go to the bathroom over there we got pretzels over there and then the thing would just start jerking off in front of everybody and you had to hold it you know you hold it in it in as this monkey is, because it's not having fun. This is a territorial thing it's doing. It's not just being like, hey, how you guys doing? It's like, get the fuck out of here. It's like a hobo on a bus, right?

So you're hitting pretzels. You're hitting bathroom. Bro, I did that for three weeks. This monkey was so fucking tired. To the point that I got called into the office and they go, we heard you've been aggravating the monkeys. I go, well, number one, he looks like he's having a good time. The rest of the summer, I was back on butterflies. It is a lot harder to make a butterfly jerk off than a fucking mushroom.

I'll tell you what. I got nectar, dog. I got nectar over here. We got some sugar water over there. My fucking stomach hurts. That's so goddamn funny. Yeah, yeah. You can still run. You can still try it. Check out your local baby.

Get your, remember, no shirt. You're still long. You can still try it. Check out your local Bigby. Get your, remember, no shirt. Your shirt closed up. You're getting fucking demoted back to butterflies. This pervert is making the monkey jerk off too much. Dude, the butterflies didn't even have a cage. It was like a bush. You just sat next to. So.

God damn. That was my first though. That is fucking really. I wasn't ready for the work environment. The guy for three years. Goddamn. That was my first though. That is fucking really. I wasn't ready for the work environment. The guy for three years. He's coming back to the butterflies. He's like, you know what?

Don't even. We don't got to do anything. I'll stay here. He was 19. He used to read, ride. I don't know. You guys are both East Coast. No, Jackson's California.

Really? San Francisco. Are you Italian? Yeah. There's just no Italians on the West Coast. You're from San Francisco? That's pretty cool. I'm from Sacramento.

I love San Francisco. I didn't stand up there for a long time. It's a great city. Fuck, I don't know what I said. That blew me away. Oh, but do you remember they used to have mini bikes people would ride around? There was like a motorcycle, but it was tiny. You ever have that here?

Not really, no. That's a big thing where I was from. So you see like this. Always like ghetto ass dudes would do it. Like this dude, he's like selling XC. And he'd be like, all right. And he'd get on this like little mini bike. And he would like zoom away. So this dude would pull up in a mini bike.

The Mangabee guy. So he would come for three years in a Mangabee. To me, when I was a kid, I was like, this is the coolest fucking dude I've ever seen in my life. He's got a Kawasaki minibike. Bro, when you first start working, the age gap for which people you work with is always so weird. I think when I was 16, it was basically a power plant I worked at. And I worked with just like a 40-year-old drug addict. And it was just like me and him hanging out every day.

I remember his name, Ronnie Blood. drug addict and it was just like me and him hanging out every day he was like like i remember his name ronnie blood i would work me and ronnie blood would just we would just move piles of of garbage just me my buddy and ronnie blood and it was like like literally it was like communist russia stuff where it was like the workforce is employed they just move piles of rocks every day and it would be like i'd get to the they'd be like all right get that pile of bricks move it over there we just throw them through like windows and shit um but he was like he'd come every morning he'd beat us there and it's i'm from a very portuguese town and they'd have like this gallon of portuguese wine he'd drink and he would just leave it on the ground outside his car and you're like it's 7 a.m yeah and he's drank all that wine well as a

kid you go like r, Ronnie's pretty cool, but then you get older, you're like, Ronnie has some problems. But Ronnie had so many problems that we knew at 16. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, he'd come in sometimes

and he'd be like, ah, boy, let me get a sandwich, something like that. What are you talking about? He's like, my wife last night, you know, fucking eating ketchup sandwiches, boys. And we were like, what the fuck does that mean? And then I got old enough to mean it means he's eating his wife out on her period.

And I was like, he's like, I got the ketchup sandwich in my mouth still. I was like, dude, that's the most horrific thing. That's the most horrific thing. You're just like picking up a rock. I'm going to put my rocks over here. Damn, that's gnarly. I wouldn't have got that in a million. I thought he was just doing so poor here to catch up.

No, it's his wife's vagina to a couple of literal children. Poor Ronnie. Well, his last name is Blood. It's fitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your poor people food? Like your little thing of when you're broke, what do you eat? Bananas again?

Great question. I'm a banana guy. Ramen. I always liked ramen. You doing Top or Moonshin? Moonshin. I don't think I know Top. Top Ramen?

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Top then. Top. The other one's Moonshin, right? But that one rings a bell, too. Top Ramen. Top Ramen, yeah. The one that comes in the bag that you can one brings a bell, too. Top Ramen. Top Ramen, yeah.

The one that comes in a bag that you can, like, break up. Well, they both are. They both do. Yeah, Munchen looks exactly the same as Top Ramen, but it's, like, 10 cents less. And you're like, I don't know what. Top Ramen wasn't given much. I don't know how you cut half Munchen out. I would always, yeah, I was always the bag guy.

But the. Yeah, they were in bags, yeah, I was always the bag guy. But the... Yeah, they were in bags too, dog. You're going to blow... It looks just like Top Ramen, but it was for people who couldn't afford Top Ramen. Maruchan. Maruchan. No, so I think I was a Top... No, I think I was a Maruchan guy.

Maruchan had the cups. Top never got in the cups. I definitely never did a cup. Did you see recently they said you're not supposed to microwave those cups? The cups, the microwavable cups? What? The microwavable cups? Yeah, the microwave.

You're not supposed to put hot water in them. They're like, you're poisoning yourself with microwaving styrofoam. Yeah, all that stuff's so funny because it's weird that it gives me the, like, I get the fear of like, oh shit, I used to eat that. Like, you know how much fucking poisoning to my body I've done in my life? Like, it's not going to be the ramen that gets me. But the other poisons were fun. If I get cancer from eating top ramen cup of noodles, I'm going to be bummed out.

But are you going to blame, like, let's say you get stomach cancer. Are you going to be like, that was probably the ramen? Like, I got ramen's way down my hit list for who I'm going to be like, that was probably the ramen? Ramen's way down my hit list for who I'm going to blame when my body starts to fail. All right, number one thing that is going to kill you that you've eaten in your life, what do you think it's going to be? Candy. Sugar.

Yeah. I just eat candy all the time. It's disgusting. How much do you work out, though? I work out a pretty good amount. But not a crazy amount, like probably 45 minutes a day something like that like every day five six seven days a week five six days a week i'm doing three and i'm like the candies it's not helping the candy the candy's winning on the three days you gotta get your numbers up to every day if you're in the level of candy the i i i'll like i'll eat it i'm like i'm a garbage disposal i'll eat

fucking anything so i i've eaten anything that's been put in front of me in my life i don't think there's anything that's really gonna go bad except for the candy like i'll do fucking i do a lot of red meat i do a lot of well they keep telling us that they're killing us with the candy you know yeah but they're literally telling us yeah they're like hey man this this got red dye in it but we did just come out with watermelon fruit chews on this so the question is what do you want to do and i'm like well i'll try one i mean they also they like i just bought because i try i i am conscious of how much they sugar i'm sure our listeners are like we fucking get it dude you eat sugar um but i try and like be better So I bought the other night at the market. I got sugar-free yogurt. It's the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth.

It tastes like Preparation H. It's the genuine. Usually I'm just like, whatever. I can choke it down. It was fucking awful. But it is. The stuff that happens here, because I was talking to my buddy who has stomach. What do you call?

IBS? No. Crohn's? Stomach. What do you call? IBS? No, fucking... Crohn's? Crohn's, no. Cancer? Oh. You're allergic to, like, wheat and stuff. You can't eat, like, bread.

Gluten. Gluten. Gluten. And he's like, dude, when I go to Europe, I can just eat anything. And, like, it is crazy that we're just like, yeah, we understand that we're putting poisons in it and we're just fine with it, but the poisons are fucking good, man. Poisons do slap. If they could just start making healthy stuff

taste like poison, then I really wouldn't be doing this kind of stuff. But I feel like the fake healthy stuff, like, ends up being worse. It ends up being like, like, I feel like in college I was trying to do all the sugar-free stuff

and that's the one that's going to kill me. Five years later, they're always like, you remember Wow Potato Chips? Yeah. Yeah, yeah the bottom they're like they're like a tumor of fat you didn't know really know what it but it coagulated the bottom and there are wow potato chips they were lays and they're like this is what you're supposed to eat and then they were literally like if you have a tumor growing out of your head from wow potato chips check it out you get the uh asbestos commercials These were huge When they wiped them out

They wiped them Oh, that's straight issues Yeah, all this stuff It was literally like cancer You're just feeding yourself You see, we've been watching Any good shows lately Are you a show guy?

I'm a penguin I'm definitely a TV show guy More than movies Yeah? I get too attached I've been a movie guy recently I did the flip You're doing the penguin?

Penguin's Fire. I'm still in the murder docs. My girl is just anything where... You know what's really funny is my girl is definitely the stereotypical murder docs, all that kind of stuff. But it's an upgrade from my ex who was into pedophile documentaries. What? So we would go to sleep to like a documentary of a guy who

molested like 13 children so like when i see a man who killed 13 people i'm like this is light reading today this is fantastic i didn't know i could take the day off hey killed six people in fucking staten island fantastic we just want to ramp it pedophile dude i didn't even know they were making pedophile dogs. I thought they were like Persona non grata. They're good. They're good. They get you. They'll make you wait until the end.

But it's gnarly, though. So you do the documentaries. The Penguin, I tried to do The Penguin. I fucking, like, fake worlds I can't get into. That's a new thing. It used to be completely fine. I didn't love Marvel, but i saw most of the marvel movies and all that shit and i'm gonna keep trying with the penguin because everyone says it's fantastic but like when they're talking about was it drops it takes me out of it i'm like dude just say coke or say heroin yeah they have to

do it they did it recently they're like you, when you're doing drugs, you do Bliss, Poppers, Nicos, Tum Tums, and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, just say it. Just say the fucking cult, dude. We know what we're talking about. It's like, I know, we got a bunch of Star Wars people here,

and it's not a Nora. That's the movie that's out. But there's a Star Wars movie that began with an A. I forget what it's called. And they were like, this is genuine great television. It just happens to take place in Star Wars movie I forget what it's called and they're like this is genuine great television it just happens to take place in Star Wars

you gotta watch it that was the last one I think right the one with Andy Serkis I haven't seen that one but they said it was supposed to be a little more adult yeah but then I put it on and all the guns are going pew pew pew pew I'm like I can't fucking buy into this man

if I die from a pew pew I deserve to die you'll't fucking buy into this man like you're shooting i die from a pew pew i deserve to die a chopper spray to get me do other media companies have the announcements happen in studio like i've never watched like you know i watched like eight hours of election coverage they didn't fucking stop it for they i watch Sunday Ticket, Red Zone, every Sunday. Does this happen often? Once a week. Oh, it's very regular. We just got to stop the show to listen to his speech.

That was crazy. There's no way that that was supposed to be constructed like that. They also don't even do the drill. They're like, we're going to do the drill. They never do the drill, yeah. DraftKings is the official partner of Barstool Sports. Bet big, get in on the action at DraftKings with the official sport betting partner do the drill. Yeah. Draft Kings is the official partner of Barstool Sports. Bet big. Get in on the action at Draft Kings with the official sport betting partner of the NBA.

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Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill casino and resort in kansas 21 and over age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction void in ontario bet must win to receive reward bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance for additional terms and responsible gaming resources see dkng.co slash ft ball they also songwriters do so fucking well. My buddy, his friend is a songwriter. And I went to her friends and family concert with him. And she was singing all the songs she wrote.

Because it was just very small, friends and family. You can't even get tickets, I don't think. And I was like, wait, this is Harry Styles. Wait, this is Halsey. Wait, this is fucking Sabrina Carpenter. Wait, this is harry styles wait this is halsey wait this is fucking sabrina carpenter wait this is and he's like yeah she wrote all of them and i was like oh i thought because again is it the mercury lounge which is like just some small little club here in new york and i i didn't i just knew it was his songwriting friend at the mercury lounge like

i didn't think anything of it i thought it was gonna be us and about 75 other people and i was like but she wrote all these songs yeah it's so much more impressive and but then i see the person who really did like my homie wrote that's my type what's that one that's sweetie song that's my thought like five years ago i mean it's not a great song but you're just you just go wow that's incredible you wrote something that but then i was like i was like so how did i was like how does she do like financially and he's like dude she has like tens of millions of dollars. And I don't even know her name.

And she gets to go out and do whatever the fuck she wants. You don't have to perform those every night. Yeah, you just do it small for your friends. I was like, that's cooler than being a celebrity is being someone who's just like. I think so, too. Yeah, I have so much fucking money and no one knows who the fuck I am. Because, like, you know, we hang out with celebrities and I work with them and stuff. It doesn't look that fun.

You know what I mean? A lot of the guys, these big comedians that I open for and work for, they get bothered. We're at dinner eating steaks, $200 steaks. You can't even get a thing. And people come up to them in the middle of dinner and ask him to do all this shit. And it's like, it just doesn't seem that fun. I remember we had one night that sticks out to me.

It was a very fun night. But it stuck out to me as like, oh, shit, that's a different world. Where it was Arizona Super Bowl last year, two years ago. And we were all at this dive bar. And it was like a lot of barstool people and i think dan was there i think pft was there and then burt came and shane came and christian yellich came and there might have been another like one or two more like a list like big people and we were having so much fun it was a blast we're playing like shuffleboard and it was all

like a regular night but then i started to look around and i was like oh everyone else in this bar is just watching us and like obviously not me but like you know shane and burt and all that and i was like this like it felt like really like zoo animal like yeah no one everyone was sitting at the table just drinking just watching and it was like we're just playing shuffleboard like calling their friends yeah it's just dude i's right here. Yeah. It's just. Dude, I remember everyone's coming up to Burt being like, dude, take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. I was like, you're going up to a guy?

I think it was the night after they did a show, Burt and Shane, at. Yeah. Where the. The one in the round, right? Where the Coyotes played. And so it was the Arizona State's rink. And I think they came afterwards, and it was just like, God, this is weird. Like, it's uncomfortable to be a part of this.

Well, Bert's so good about it, but I just wouldn't be like Bert. You know what I mean? Like, someone comes up to me, and I'm with my friends and my family, and they ask me to take my shirt off to take a picture. I would freak out. But he does it so graciously and so professional that it's like some people are more built for that kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if Shane would have took it so easily if someone bothered him because he's kind of more.

Yeah, Shane. I think Shane's gotten to the point where he just doesn't go out anymore. Yeah. It is like it's insane. He's so funny. His new hour is so good. Is it? Yeah, I saw it at the forum.

I saw 30 of it at the forum, and it was my favorite thing he's ever written. And I'm a pretty big fan. I don't know if it's in and out. I saw him right after Beautiful Dogs came out. Literally three days later, he was doing a show at our buddy's pizza place in Long Island. It was that raw material. He was like, I'm getting material he's like i'm getting out of the city i'm going out it was barelli's pizza place and uh he had the notre dame story

yes oh my god that's the story i've seen it when it was a little chopped up a little better too but god damn that thing is so it's the it's the i think the best thing he's ever written i was like how have you like obviously this happened 20 years ever written i was like how have you obviously this happened 20 years ago whatever it was like why are you waiting till now to fucking it's the funniest story i've ever heard in my life even funnier than the mangabee which is really close it did beat the mangrove i'm gonna come back i'm gonna punch it up we'll be here in a year and a half these people won't remember um but yes that is one of the all-time funniest stories i've ever heard in my life do you ever i saw it at the forum six months ago.

I had Netflix as a joke. Is that the Schultz and him night? Yeah. What did your mom do for the government? CIA? No, my mom works in California and from Sacramento, so that's where the capital is. So she actually works for the Department of Justice, but for me to guess what she does, I would have to listen a little harder dude department of justice i got a buddy

who works in the department of justice and he like can't tell anyone what obviously there's different levels of department of justice stuff he has the sweetest setup in the world where he can't his wife can't know where he works he can't bring his phone into work he's leaving the car sounds like a guy who's cheating on his wife for sure it's like baby baby i'm a high level applebee's manager i can't just bring my phone into work or tell you when i'm working that's what i thought like dude you got the best setup in the world he's like i fucking hate the shit out of my job but yeah that part is pretty nice i get disappear for a day yeah that one's interesting i don't yeah i don't know she can't do that hers isn't that much it's like she's like helping like

sheriff determine what different sheriff organizations get a budget it's not like very it's not it's not as fun no no it's not like washington dc department of justice it's like california where she's just like determining what i don't know what the fuck man i'd have to listen sorry mom i love what you do but uh but that's we i always say that that like that's that's a real relationship when i don't know what the fuck you do i don't know what any of my friends do i don't have a clue like wow obviously in comedy yeah but like my friends who i grew up with i don't i have no idea what they do I mean I know Sales Or like I know this person Does something for some Technology company

But I don't know anyone does You know what all your friends do It's also the boys We don't ever talk about Stuff like that If you're hanging out You go how's work It's good

Any problems No How's the wife Fine And you kind of keep it going You never go like Yeah my buddy I think he just got

He's driving trucks For the fire department I think that was got, he's driving trucks for the fire department. I think that was a big thing. So we were happy about that. But I don't know what that means. He said it's pretty fun to put on the, you know, the lights and go through reds. And I go, yeah, that does seem pretty fun. But then it kind of ends there.

I had a buddy who was a professional hockey player. And then he was a professional hockey coach for a while. And then we didn't talk for a normal amount of time, I think, for guys, but probably like a year or so. And I finally caught up with him. I was like, so what's been up? And he's like, I was down at the firehouse. And I was like, wait, how long have you been there?

He's like, I'm a captain. He's like, I've been here two years, man. I was like, you've been a firefighter for two years? I've been telling people you're the goalie coach of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Dude, I did meet a dude who was like for the New Jersey – no, no, no, not New Jersey. Worcester. He was for the Worcester, whatever their hockey team is.

He was their enforcer. That was interesting. And he just – he walked over and he had one YouTube clip that was just all like the 50 fights he's been in. And he just showed over, and he had one YouTube clip that was just all, like, the 50 fights he's been in. And he just showed that to us, and it was so cool. Because everyone else was like, look at these goals. He's like some French guy or whatever the fucking. Like, look at these goal days.

And this guy's just like, look at this dude's ass I beat. Saskatchewan. It was way fun. It is so crazy that hockey is still just like, yeah, we can just fight, man. It is fun. We can just fight. It is fun. See, they don't really have hockey in California.

I never met no one. I don't watch Californiaifornia hockey i didn't know it was a thing are you talking about even even nhl i won't watch it i think it looks weird i know it's crazy i know i'm wrong but i think on the west coast they film hockey too high and it looks different on tv and i'm like you remember like when you played nhl and you'm like you remember like when you play to NHL and you could like change the like the camera level yeah ice level camera or whatever ice view camera and like there was one really high shot and the players looked really small that's how they film it at least in San Jose for sure I don't know about the other ones but I'm like I'll put it on but I can't watch this fucking game I just don't even know where you would ice skate in California because

every time we ever talk someone like yeah like, yeah, I did it. And I'm like, well, what did you do? Well, I drive four and a half hours every Sunday at 6 a.m. I'm like, okay, well, that's something my son's not doing. Like Pixar kicking a ball, dog. Skate's on for you, homie. I played hockey, so I think back to the times when my dad would have to get me up at 3 a.m. Yeah, the hockey dad thing I've heard about is a crazy thing.

You must have loved hockey and i love hockey so you know if i ever have a kid i would hope that they played as well but i would not be looking forward to that no he was like i didn't love hockey i love the potential of a scholarship and you didn't get that so that was a lot of time i appreciate you son i played i played in florida and you saying like the drive that's so long like i i lived in tallahassee i went to fsu for a little bit and i played i played in florida and you saying like the drive that's so long like i i lived in tallahassee i went to fsu for a little bit and i played club hockey there and like to practice which we didn't do every day or anything like that that would be nuts but like this on ice yeah it was like a four hour drive to practice it was three about three we were in tallahassee

the rink was either in jacksonville which is probably two and a half, or in Orlando, which is probably three and a half. And we'd have to just go there for practice. It was fucking nuts. Nuts. That'd be nice if you could bet on that and then find the teams that are farther away from practice facilities and then bet them to lose every time. Dude, they're all so bad. Because it's not many.

It's too hard. It seems like it's too expensive of a thing to even try in fucking Florida. I actually think it's changed. When I was playing, there was one good school. Florida Gulf Coast University was actually pretty good. No one good at all. I remember their basketball team. Oh, yeah.

Ducks and threes. Yeah, the Ducks and threes. That was fun. I think that coach, I think he still coaches at USC now. I think he went from Dunk City. Really? I think he had a USC deal. I don't know.

I remember they had like a Puerto Rican dude or a white dude with braids. Yeah. That's me. But the FGCU was pretty good. But I think they're getting better now. At the time, I'm from Massachusetts, so I played pretty good hockey for most of my life. And I went down there, and we would do contests before games where it's like, yo, can you drink more margaritas than goals you can score today?

Because there's a Chili's right across from the rink. So I'd have like seven margaritas. How many goals do you guys score in your league? Not a lot. Oh, yeah. But I like to drink. Are you talking about doubles or singles? But there was probably nights where I was like,

I drink four margaritas and score five goals. Really? It was. Fucking Wade Boggs. I only played for a year, I think. So then I was like, this is just a silly waste of time. Three hours is too much. It's fun camaraderie.

It is by far, in my experience, the sport with the best camaraderie. By fucking far. Not even close. I can see that. It's because at a young age, I also think hockey guys tend to have the best personalities. Because, like, obviously. Let's rank them. Let's rank them.

Rank them best. Sports personalities are worse. I think worst, baseball. Worst baseball, for sure. Baseball people are fucking morons. Everything they do is stupid. I don't enjoy any person I've ever heard speak in a baseball game. are worse i think worst baseball worst baseball for baseball people are fucking morons everything you do is stupid i don't enjoy any person i've ever heard speak in a baseball game completely agree i think because it's basically an individual sport that is that masquerades as a team sport

you just seem so cheesy anytime they talk it seems so prepared and it's just they're acting like i'm like what you're doing is barely sports, more of a skill. It's almost like golf. Yeah, golf. I don't know. It's just not. I just can't stand baseball players. I never enjoyed it. I was a big baseball player.

I played college baseball for a year. I completely agree with you. I think baseball is. At Tallahassee? No, no, no, no. I went to my freshman year. I went to school up in Vermont. I did baseball in Vermont, hockey in Florida.

I was like, this is where I could be okay. They come up here, I go down there. Okay, baseball number one. Baseball is the worst. Then I would probably put – I think basketball and football both have great personalities. Football has more players, so you have more one shine through. But I think they're about equal. We'll tie them both in the two spot.

And then I have hockey one. Hockey seems pretty cool. Because hockey, at such a young age, I think probably when I was six or seven, I started getting dressed by myself with the boys. Started getting undressed by myself with the boys. Showered with the boys. And then that was like an hour and a half a day that I was just hanging out

with the fellas. And you kind of, you're shooting the shit, you're telling stories, all that kind of stuff that I think, I think that like instills in you the best person. Cause basketball, you were just showing up to the gym and playing. There's no, there's no like locker room. There's so many teams. You're on like multiple teams. I feel like hockey, you're probably on one for a long time.

And then maybe your local one. You come up with the guys for a while, yeah. And then all those sports. Football, I played football. We didn't have, like, a locker room. No, it felt like squads. Like, they're like cornerbacks. We're all friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. O-line was friends. Yeah, all the fat white guys are friends. The fat black guys are friends. Surprised we didn't intermingle more. What, was it a cultural thing or something? I would try and bring the hockey locker room to other locker rooms. It actually worked when I was in high school that the baseball team adapted it, and it

was fun. Oh, that's fun. But football was like... Did you shower in football? We never showered in football. Football, basically, it would be like the hockey players who played football would shower. That was about it. Because in California, no one showered with each other.

Really? After PE, after anything. We didn't have gym, so I don't know that. But after school. Your school didn't have gym? No, it was a boarding school where you had to. So I had gym in elementary school, but no one showered then. But then when I got older um i guess to save time so

we could do more school stuff you just had to play a sport and then that that like crossed off your physical and uh without jim my gpa would have been far far less that was the only thing that saved me 2.2 did it again pops there's one a few c, and D in there. I was the one that saved me. I needed that shit. You were a bad student? I was a bad student. Yeah, I was 2.5 from first grade until I graduated college. I would guess I was right around there myself.

2.4, yeah. You were smart, weren't you? I was like 3.7. I was like this very specific number. But I cheated a lot. You cheated a lot? Oh, yeah. I cheated.

Exclusively. Really? Yeah. Well, what are you, like 28? No. 25. Okay. Well, I just think you've been on this a long time.

I didn't mean it that. But when I was in college, they just kind of came out with the iphone that you could do whatever and this was my move right here so i'd write the whole paper the day before and i tuck it right here and then i put my legs like this and then when the teacher walked by and then we didn't they'd go like this and i would just copy everything i did from the thing and they didn't know iphones had done that yet because they were old as fuck so it was just it looked like I had to piss My guy uti I'm like don't worry about

And then I'll do this and then you scroll and that's how I got through college Really only way I was never a big cheat. I don't know why I just like didn't Really I think I think I put in such little effort that even cheating was too much effort. Like, I'm dead serious. I'm not even fucking trying. You just winged it. You're like, yeah,

2.5, I got it. It's in here. That's why I didn't graduate. But, like, I never got into the cheating. Wait, you didn't graduate high school? I didn't graduate college.

I graduated high school. But I didn't. I did a Van Wilder at a city school. It was embarrassing. Really? It took me, like, five years to get past that bitch. one no one even lived on campus or anything

it was just a commuter school but i was like i just fucking hated it man i went i just said too i just i just hated it and i i would to i feel bad about like the money i spent to hate it but i was always honest i was like i don't like this don't like it. Like, I went to a commuter school for like a year or a semester, and I would just drive to school, and I would just sit in my car, and I would just wait to go. I was like, it was so easy. The effort to go in would be so easy, but I just couldn't do it. I was like, I don't like it.

It makes me so miserable. I can't walk into that fucking building. And I would just sit in my car, eat a bagel until it was time to go home, and I would throw it in reverse and show back up in my house and be like yeah school's great today yeah yeah skipping college is is is interesting because you're only hurting yourself at this point you don't really gotta lie to anybody it only really comes back to you but yeah i would skip i just would get so high i would smoke so much weed before i went to class i'd be wearing sunglasses in the back corner of the room and just barely get through it, get the notes, and I would just focus on the study sheet.

Do you regret that? No. What the fuck do I need that shit for? Dude, I completely agree. Nothing. I use it for nothing. Kevin always tries to get me to like, not like with real effort, but he'll throw it out occasionally. Like, you should go back to college for content.

I'm like, it's my only hard no. I will not. I don't like it. It was not fun for me. I'm not going back. Yeah, I got no interest in it. It just wasn't. They were speaking a different language than I spoke,

and it just wasn't for me. And I knew the whole time I wasn't going to do this, and I knew whatever was going to happen. My whole thing, I was going to be a PE teacher. I did so well in that i was like you guys can check the grades a's since first grade i was built for this and i was just going to be a p teacher so like which is a very interesting thing you know that i try to tell people all the time and everyone always says i'm wrong but like if you just set your goals to not

being too lofty like i was going to be a p teacher making like 45 grand a year like i'm doing great my life's sick i'm doing there's no i'm proud of what i've been able to accomplish but if i was like you know i'm gonna be present everything then i'd be a loser you gotta put things in perspective i've surpassed my expectations i was gonna do that for 40 years and retire on 35 000 a year i'm fantastic. No one thought I would be here. Dude, recently I went back to Sacramento and I opened for someone in some place that was very big called the Crest Theater. And my dad used to take me there when I was a kid to watch Dave Chappelle, Brian Reed, and Jim Gaffigan. That's what made me want to get it. And there's a bar

next door and I went and sat with them for a little bit. And after a beer, he just looks at me and goes, man, you got a lot farther than both of us thought you would, huh? I was like, yeah, I did. Man, you got a lot farther. Because we would talk about it, and he'd be like, you know, it's probably not going to work. I go, it's probably not going to work. But he goes, well, if you can make a living, maybe it could be okay.

And I was like, I'll just graduate. Because college for me was just so my parents could stop bothering yep yep 100% it was the only time in my life I was doing something for them yes like even you know the childhood all that stuff like I was you know they made me do things but it wasn't just for them I was enjoying it or I saw the benefit of it college was the only time I was like this is literally for you and I'm not doing it yeah I don't love you enough yeah and this means you can never talk to me about anything ever again because anything you want I'm not doing it yeah I don't love you enough yeah and this means you can never talk to me about anything ever again because anything you want I can go I got I graduated college

it was a communications degree those aren't really counting but I got rid of it yeah where'd you go oh nice I used to live by there you ever go to uh Bakari LA yeah for the for all you can drink the uh wait yeah yeah with the um mimosas yeah the mimosas yeah yeah i used to yep that was like the thing i would go i used to live by there and there's like a thing where they had an all you can drink beer or mimosas or um sangria for an hour and a half 30 bucks this is like quarter mile from the campus probably it's like on it's on the same street so like you go in there and they'll just be like girls hammered eating like potato frites and like a little thing they like tapas that was a fun little well that area is fucked actually

especially probably yeah yeah the the bar deals that college bars give out when i was in tallahassee there was a bar i actually forget the name of it was on it was on the strip which is where like all the non-frat people went the the jeeds and they would do on tuesday afternoons it would be like beat the clock and it was like started a nickel for a beer and like every 10 minutes or whatever i forget the order of operations but like it would increase yeah and so everyone was just trying to drink as fast as they could before it got expensive and then you'd go walk to class at like 1 p.m on tuesday and people would be just like in the middle of the street just passed out and you're like yeah sorry i was got fucking loose for 27 cents today that's funny i used to have one where they would serve in a pitcher it

was a rum and Coke. It was $5 for a pitch. But the little one, you know, you kind of get in my pizza place. You know, the plastic little pitcher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get the rum and the Coke for like $3 or $4. And that was what we would drink all the time. A pitcher of it? Yeah.

But it was like a little pitcher, but it was still a lot of rum and Coke. Yeah, it'll set you off. Yeah. All right. Well, tonight, New York york comedy club yes that already passed hopefully it's sold the fuck out thank you guys for uh having me on dude thank you so much it is a genuine pleasure every time i get to talk to you that was very much fun appreciate you i would like to maybe get you guys on the show when you come to la because it's a riffing show i'd love to i was thinking you guys might be able to come on just be funny pull the thing out be as funny as you can so when you come to la hit me. because it's a riffing show. I'd love to do that. So I was thinking you guys might be able to come on, just be funny, pull the thing out, be as funny as you can.

So when you come to L.A., hit me up and I'll see you and try to make that work. Fuck yeah, dude. Absolutely. I'd love to do that. Awesome. Thank you very much. Thank you guys very much. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.