KFC Radio - The Kacey Musgraves Podcast Ft. Bert Kreischer and Chef Donny

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - We had a little COVID scare but WE DON'T HAVE COVID (we got tested and are all negative) - Nirvana "Nevermind" baby is trying to sue Nirvana - Which pornstars would you fight? - JR Smith is now on the college golf team - Kacey Musgraves stole Sad Boy Season - Am I the A**hole - Wedding invoice - Nude boss - killed elderly roommate Voicemails - taste for the first time - time travel sh*t in pants vs 30 mins everywhere - nobody is talking about 01:07:44 Bert Kreischer on his surgery, is using a strap-on cheating?, Milk Crate Challange, Writing a song with T-Pain, being an ideas guy, and much more 02:21:22 Chef Donny on preparing for his Rough and Rowdy fight against Tik Tok star, QCP Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. So Sigur is like, alright, take a picture of yourself holding a piece of paper with your phone number on it, and then send it so people know it's you. And so I was like, okay. So I did it, and then Rogan goes, still don't believe it, show me a picture of your dick. So I was like all right it looks like a coke can It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

It's Feidelberg and Clancy. We've got Bert the Machine Crasher on the show today. What are you laughing at? I was going to say COVID. We got COVID. Alright, quick update before we move forward. We all got tested and we do not have COVID so it's funny. It's not irresponsible. Alright, carry on. Also, I'm not crying.

I was just sitting and the AC was in my eyes and also I'm just congested. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I was going to interrupt you i don't know if i could so i gotta let it go but it's out there now covid yeah matt mcafee just tweeted that he is positive for covid after being fully vaxxed and uh john was hugging matt mcafee and everyone was on summer slam everyone's kind of got a cough or some sniffles or not feeling well, got some aches. So we've got COVID.

It's funny because it's true. Oh, God. Just somebody kill me. I was like, I'll go get tested right now. And you guys were all like, fuck it. Everyone said no. Go down with the ship. Well, it's already.

It's too late. Yeah. It's just. We've been together for three weeks. The COVID's out of the bag. You know what I mean? Like, we are. This is a little Petri dish in here.

Yeah. You know? I was thinking about it. Like, the amount of shows that we do. The fact that we just. Like, no wonder we're always knocking shit over. We've got, like, 25 cameras

and three ring lights and all this shit. Do you not feel like it? We've got, like, 10 different franchises operating out of this one room. Every time I come in here,

it's like a completely different room. We rearrange it and everything. We use all the different walls. It's like, this fucking place...

We need more room! We need more bodies. We need more room. We've more bodies. We need more room. We've all got COVID. So, yeah, don't go. Also, Burt Kreischer. And Burt Kreischer's on the show. He was doomed.

You're okay, Burt. I kind of mentioned it to him. I didn't want to, like, suck his dick too much. But I think Burt Kreischer, if I had to do a draft, I think I would take him maybe number one overall. I think he is, you know, just like comics, podcasters, entertainers. I don't know why I asked for clarification. I knew exactly what you meant. He like – he's so – he always like asks that extra question.

Like when you do a podcast, you can just have a conversation about something or you can be like, all right, hypothetically speaking, if you were to be in that spot, what would you have done? And he just always goes that extra mile and always has – there's a point in the interview where we thought we had to wrap it up. And he's like, no, fuck it. Let's keep going. And then we just had a whole other podcast. 45 minutes. Yeah, we do another additional interview. I also – which would lead to believe the COVID stuff. I thought I was going to pass out that whole interview.

You were struggling. You were yawning and you were doing that. I was hot and I was sweaty. Oh, fuck. You got COVID. Fuck. We've got COVID. I was like, I'm going to pass out right now. I thought for sure I was going to pass out. Bro, let me tell you something.

If you ever think that you're going to pass out during an interview, start holding your breath or something. Make it happen. Do you know how fucking funny that would be? I was thinking, what is Burke going to're going to pass out during an interview, start holding your breath or something. Make it happen. Do you know how fucking funny that would be? I was thinking. I was like, what is Bert going to say when I pass out? Yeah. That would be amazing.

And actually, oddly enough. I've gotten better since. I might have beat COVID in the last three hours. Oddly enough, because now we definitely have COVID, did you hear the cough that Nick let out in the middle of the Bert interview? No. Bro, you had some cough from the cockles of your heart. So you definitely have COVID. Did you hear the cough that Nick let out in the middle of the Burt interview? No. Bro, you had some cough from the cockles of your heart. So you definitely have COVID too. No, it's dry coughs, which is what I have.

Oh yeah, fuck. This is going to suck when I die from it, this fucking clip. No, that'll be pretty good. That'll be really good. If you're gonna die, die after doing it. But I already was having thoughts because Nick was like,

like that, and I was like, and I just quickly had a thought like, because Bert's a big deal for us, you know, and I quickly had a thought, what if Nick just like toppled over? Would I just like spring into action or would I be like, Jackie, go get that. I'm talking to Bert here. If it's Bert,

leave me. Someone on that level, fucking leave me. If you let me die, I'll be fine. That's what I thought. That's what I said. I was thinking to myself, Jackie will take care of it. I don't know. I'd get up. I'd turn the camera. Yeah, I'd be like, Bert, what do we do? Take a look. Let him throw in something. That'd be great. Yeah, yeah. Bert comments

on producer's death or whatever. So I already was talking about him collapsing during the interview. What if it was you? What if you were just like doing that? There's a viral video where somebody just like, what is it? I can't remember. But, I mean, if you just had like a slow like, and it was just like, Burt, check it out. Oh, man, we go so viral.

Why don't we fake those things next time do that I'll do that back there you could pull it off you could pull off passing out you know how to do that come on

alright so Burt's on the show for like a good like hour and 20 minutes so we'll keep it we'll keep it tight up here we're gonna do I Mind the Asshole

and voicemails first wanna rattle through a couple things going on in the world have you heard about the Nirvana Kid I did hear about that little dick bitch the asshole in voicemails. First, I want to rattle through a couple things going on in the world. Have you heard about the Nirvana kid? I did hear about that little dick bitch. What a fucking asshole this kid is. I love it.

Love this. Just because it's like, what, good only in America? You think a Hail Mary lawsuit. Yeah. I mean, where is he wrong? Calling it child porn is not child porn. Saying that he had lost wages from this, let me tell you the ways he's wrong. It's not child porn.

He has never once had employment problems because of this. And probably does not have emotional trauma from it either. I think he's wrong entirely. But I'm with you on the sense of, like, good old frivolous lawsuit. Yeah. Like, good old litigation nation. Just fucking throw it out there and try to make it stick. This is America.

This is the land where you can spill a hot coffee and you fucking win because your coffee's hot. Amen, brother. This is the land where you fucking buy an RV and you put it in cruise control and you go take a nap in the back. And that thing goes off the highway. No. And you win a lawsuit. No way. Really?

I know all because of my dad's in insurance. Cruise control? Like they thought that that meant you didn't have to be at the wheel? Yeah. These are the ones

where like you fucking... What about is the one burglar breaks into your house, falls through the roof, breaks his leg, you get sued, you lose? Is that true?

That one was... Is that an urban legend? I forget if that's an urban legend or not. And these... He hasn't researched about anything either. These are the things

he talks about. I don't know about breaking into a person's home I don't know about breaking into someone's home. I have heard about breaking into someone's business. And then you sue the business. Love it. I think it was a gas station. Good old America. I mean, look.

I think he's suing each member of the band for $150K. But Nick was telling me Nirvana only had three members. And Kurt Cobain Is dead So I think he's just suing A couple guys For like 300k Like if I was If I was Nirvana

I'd be like I don't know Like here you go Dave Grohl I'd be like Here you go bro But you can't Dave Grohl

Would probably be like Dude all he has to do Is ask me nicely Right Take it in court Right It's on the grant Shut the fuck up

Apparently I mean This dude recreated the picture For the 25th anniversary. So you can't do that and then sue. Wait, he was in his underpants or something. He was. By the way.

Because he's a pussy. He's a pussy, by the way. If you're going to do it, fucking do it. Go dick out. Speaking of. Dick out? Bert showed us his dick in this episode. Yeah, yeah, he did.

Was that? Yeah. Well, it was Photoshopped, but I think that was his dick Photoshop. I think it was his dick Photoshop. Yes, yes. I was going to ask him to send it to me. I think he made it fatter, but I don't think he made it longer. I wanted him to text it to me.

Part of me wants to say to him, like, yo, man, can you text that to me so we can, like, put it in the edit? But I just want to see. Yeah, he definitely just showed us his cock it was just but i mean you know burt burt once posted his fucking ball sack on the internet remember that i mean burt's burt's not afraid of showing off the goods um but the nirvana kid part of me i guess understands yeah the idea of like snake it till you make it try to try to make money did you know the nevermind album went triple diamond i don't even know what that means. 10 million.

That's 30 million records. 10 million is diamond. That went triple diamond. What's the highest? Diamond is the highest that I know of. No, no, no, but like that. Oh, high selling. I think Michael Jackson did like 100

or something like that. Or that might have been like total though. Actually, somebody looked it up. Like single, what's the single highest album? Thriller. Thriller with like 40? 70 million. 70.

That's fucking bananas. I'll do it. But that's also back in the time where you had to buy it. You know what I mean? Like sometimes I wonder. Found out from Rude Boy yesterday that 1,500 streams equals one album purchase, which is like maybe – I don't know. That seems like an inexact science. You know what I mean? For sure. Like 15 – know, that seems like an inexact science.

Actually, that seems like a lot, though. 1,500 streams? Yeah. Yeah, I have to listen to a song or I guess songs on an album 1,500 times before it counts as I purchased it. So that's what I mean. 125 equals one song

unit. Song unit? Yeah, so you have to stream a song 125 times for it to count as you listen to buying it once. So then an album is like all 15 of those songs? Yeah. So that seems like crazy to me. So I wonder what

some of the, like Taylor is probably doing like Michael Jackson numbers and not really getting those numbers credited to her. I remember rap albums doing like a million in a week was like the big – like Usher did like with Confessions. He did like a million in a week. He was like, holy shit. He went platinum in fucking one week. Anyway, fuck the Nirvana kid. We also got only fans only fans i think i started out making fun of them and i think i am now totally back on their side i think

only fans pulled a good old-fashioned fine we'll do it your way and let's see what fucking happens because from the jump they blamed the banks they flat out said we're getting pressure from banks and our platform partners that we have to do this and i think they were kind of like the like you paint this into a corner fine we'll do it and when it all fell to shit i think they were like told you so because now i think they get the credit of like we tried or the banks are like fuck we can't like we can't we didn't prove them wrong and they go back to what they were doing it's like they probably got more publicity than ever now and i think you're an idiot if you like shut down your account already you know it's like if people like lost like like they said that some porn stars are like we're still gonna look for our own platforms and no

you're not no you're just not you might you might do that in addition to but you're not leaving only yeah i'm leaving youtube i'm going to vimeo yeah no you're not leaving OnlyFans. Yeah, I'm leaving YouTube and going to Vimeo. Yeah, no, you're fucking not. Wouldn't be a very good business. Yeah, I think Ninja tried to leave Twitch and came right back. There are certain things you just can't do. But when are people going to learn, man? You can't go against the internet and you can't go against sex and then you can't go against sex on the internet.

That's like Captain Planet when our powers combined. A bunch of sex workers just being like, no, wrong! And it was like, okay, never mind. Never fucking mind. I mean, if I wasn't going to fuck with one occupation, it's like boxers and then sex workers. Yes.

They hold the keys to the castle. Because they've been in strip clubs. That's how they kind of came up That's the amateur circuit They've been fucking strapped They've been through it all And they're still relatively There's not a replacement The banks of OnlyFans

These investors were They were betting on IG models That's the store-bought version. There's nothing you can replicate quite like a person who's willing to fuck on camera. There's a pretty small number of people. You've got to cherish those people and you've got to give them

what they want because they steer the ship, man. I would bet I can beat up under 10% of the sex worker community. If you're under 10%, I'm under 1%. I've had 0%. Like girls who have been like... Bonnie Rotten would run my show.

Which porn stars would you want to fight the least? Bonnie Rotten's way up there. Belladonna would fucking... Belladonna feels no pain. Belladonna is like Thanos. You could be like hitting her with a – you could take that baseball bat out of her ass and hit her in the face with it. She'd be like, whatever, dude. She'd fucking squirt probably.

Hit me in the face with a baseball bat and I'm coming. I'm not fighting Bella Donna. I'm not fighting Bonnie Rotten. I do not want to fight Adriana Cechik because I feel like she's a little – I think she's tiny, but I feel like she's a fireball. They're all tiny. They're all real small. Even Phoenix Marie is really small.

We met her and it was like, oh, yeah. Phoenix could run my shit. Phoenix could beat my ass. Phoenix, I think, did pick me up. She did, right? Yeah. Yeah. She swooped me off my feet like I was a bride.

Phoenix would back break me bro Phoenix could absolutely Dominate my ass And I would let it happen I think Adriana Cechik Would be like a whirlwind Like I wouldn't know what hit me Like she's like a Mexican boxer You know my hair is pulled

And like I'm getting like I feel like she'd be like Catwoman Like she'd be up on your shoulders Yes Yes Exactly Fucking pulling your hair Right She'd do like Catwoman Like she'd be up on your shoulders Yes Yes Exactly Fucking pulling your hair

Right She'd do like a hurricane runoff Like flying all over the place Yeah there are some There are some girls in the industry That are just not To be trifled with Who do you think

You could just beat the shit out of though I don't know if we could do that segment Can we I wasn't gonna answer Which Which female Which female star Do you think you can just... Uppercut.

Hadouken. Oh, I just wanted to give a quick shout out to J.R. Smith, who is a college athlete. He's golfing in college now. How awesome is that? Really? That is... So you don't lose your amateur status if you get paid for a different sport?

I think that's probably what it is. I also... No, because Jeremy... was it Jeremy Bloom? Who's the Colorado skier? He's an Olympic skier but also played football for Colorado. And he couldn't get paid in the Olympics by sponsors to then come back and play football. He's a wide receiver. Even though he couldn't get paid for skiing?

Jeremy Bloom? Jeremy Bloom. Is that what it said? Yeah, you got it right. Yeah, I don't know what the rules are. I would think it's something like you played pro basketball, so now you can't be an amateur basketball player. But now with these new rules too, it's like, I don't know.

Who fucking knows? But first of all, it's just awesome that Swish is out on the golf course. He's like the last guy you would think of who's going like play by the rules and do the etiquette and everything i hope he rolls up to the golf course with his shirt off taking poles off the henny just you know i hope he's like i hope he's full jr smith on the golf course but what like i think that's so because he also was one of like the first guys to come out of high school so he didn't go to college at all and a lot of these guys go back go back to school to get their degree and they want to do it for their family or their mom or whatever. But what a great retirement plan if you're good at a second sport. I'm going to go back and play fucking – I don't know.

Golf is a great one to be honest. I'm struggling to think of another. I'm going back to college. I'm doing it for free because I'm also exceptionally not a sport. Exactly. I'm just ultra-talented all over. I bet it's with the new rules. That's why you can do it.

Yeah, it's got to be something to do with that. New NIT, whatever it's called. Yeah, yeah. Is it NIT? NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL.

NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. NIL. I think he's done. Is he? Yeah. I think so. That's why he went back to college. He tried to get on the Lakers and they didn't work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just feel like it's like the new retirement plan is to go to college. How awesome would that be? Just like, yeah, I'm going to go to Arizona State, pick up a secondary sport, just like whatever, and you're 38.

It's not like that crazy. You know what're 38 so he's not like that crazy you know what i mean you're not like a fucking he's not 30 he's gotta be like not that old you're not like a 50 year old man he's younger yeah that's what i mean yeah so it's like you know you're just you're just kind of like hanging out with college co-ed oh by the way i got an update from abella she sent me a video just like her in class she's just like sitting in the auditorium and the teacher's like so if you turn to chapter three of the textbook you'll see i'm like this is fucking insanity um and i was like so did anybody recognize you and she was like oh tons no fucking kidding but she i was like any guys hitting on you like what's going on she's like

they're trying but i'm she's like I'm just like running these guys shit. She's like, she acts like, and we know this about her when it comes to ages. She acts like 25 is like the elder statesman. She's like, it's so nice being 25 and just like dominating these little 18-year-olds. I'm like, you are the same fucking thing. What are you talking about? But yeah, back to school, man. That's the fucking blueprint right there so

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Take the quiz. Get a custom mattress made for you, a $200 discount, and two free pillows. So we all got COVID, right? That's pretty much the – I'm not feeling good again. It's probably in my head at this point. It does feel hot in here. Okay.

Did the temperature change? I feel really hot, yeah. Yeah. Actually, I saw Nick take off his sweatshirt I don't know I'll tell you what else I'm hot about Kacey Musgraves Oh this bitch And here's the thing

I'm a Kacey Musgraves fan So almost like Dave Grohl in the 150k Just ask It's the most obvious Ripoff of all time So Kacey Musgraves is coming out with something called Almost like Dave Grohl in the 100K. Just ask me. Yeah. Well, you know what's funny? It's the most obvious rip-off of all time. So Casey Musgraves is coming out with something called Sad Girl Fall, which I think specifically is like teardrops that you paste on your fucking face. I guess so.

Something like that. Be honest. That product kind of sucks. But whatever. Girls like this shit. Sad Girl Fall. I'm not saying Casey Musgraves stole it. I'm not saying Kacey Musgraves stole it. I'm saying someone on Kacey Musgraves' team absolutely stole it.

Right. Sad Boy Season. I don't think Kacey Musgraves has been listening to Kacey's radio. No. Follow me on Twitter. But her publicist has an intern who has a friend who likes Sad Boy Season. We got a great idea. We're going to put up depressing music.

Let's call it Sad Girl Fall. You know what happens is you're some intern and some record exec, A&R, whoever is like, all right, I need 10 ideas from everybody in the room right now. Intern, go. And you go, sad girl because I was just listening to Final Bird. And they go, that's a great fucking idea. And next thing you know, that guy is like, oh, shit. Too late now. I'm not getting the blame for it.

Right. guy's like oh shit yeah too late now you know i'm not getting the blame right so i'm not even blaming them as it's like a blatant like theft but it's a blatant theft but is funny though i've had people who like aren't even like fans of barcelona text me being like come on it is the most obvious yes of all time now whenever we've had an instance, I remember specifically with this guy, Matty Funtimes, who used to make Mike Francesa photoshops. They were awesome photoshops, but he used to ruin them with his watermarks. So I would cut around the watermarks and post them. And he went nuts over that. And I was like, you know, the funny thing is, if you just came to me and said, like, you know, dude, those are actually my photoshops.

If you don't like the watermark, maybe I can make a different one for you. And like, and then we would have had like a thing and fucking at Barstool, that could lead to a goddamn job. You know what I mean? But you were an asshole about it. So I was like,

now I'm going to make sure that I never give you any credit ever. And I cut out every watermark ever because I was like, you could have been cool about it and you decided to be an asshole about it. I wish we could be cool about it. Like I wish we could get get on the line with Casey

Musgraves and be like, why don't we collaborate or something? But it's just like we're just not in that same league, so we have to be assholes about it. We gotta just cry about it. We gotta just be like, you stole it! Our own Casey Musgraves shirt. I am Casey Musgraves. I am Casey Musgraves shirts. It's like selling really well.

So then, we're gonna get C&D'd. And then we've got to have a reply back. Then you're C&D'd. Well, I don't think we can C&D'd something we didn't copyright. Did Barstool never copyright it? I don't think so. I don't know.

Maybe. I thought they did. I thought we made fun of you because they got you again. Yeah. No, I think that probably happened. They did. So, well, I read that you went to the website. I went to the website.

I said that before on the podcast. I went to the website. You tried. And I was like, this looks like a lot. That's a whole thing. And then I just closed the window. That's at least, like, several windows worth of clicking, you know? And that's just too much.

I'm like, I'm going to have to fill out forms. Like, they're asking for my social security. Like, that's it. I'm done. I came up with this phrase, sad boy season. That's it. That's it. Yeah. You do that. It should be like, if you put it in, like, your Twitter bio, that's it. I'm done. I can't hold this phrase. Sad boy season. That's it. That's it. Yeah.

You do that. It should be like if you put it in your Twitter bio. That's it. You know what I mean? That should be enough proof. I mean, I bet you, again, it's a whole thing. But I bet you'd have a legitimate case. You mean with Sad Girl Fall?

Yeah. I bet you you could sue for that. I mean, I can't do anything. I don't have the right to say anything. I don't know. I bet you there is some sort of like precedent set for you know it's like squatters rights in a house taking the things i came up with yeah there is this precedent it's going swimmingly for them i bet if you went to some to some case and some court and said't patent this, but, like, everybody knows it's my shit and I've been selling.

I have, like, a business around it. There would be something. Here's the thing. You don't ever have to win these cases. You settle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People like Casey Musgraves go, all right, here's, like, a quarter of a million dollars. Go away.

Right. You know? Or. I'll make a claim right now. I'll settle for $250,000. Or you do. Sold. Tickets to Casey Musgraves.

I'm in. I feel like you could do some catch me if you can type shit too where you end up with a job. With Casey Musgraves? Yeah. She's like, you know what? Not interested. I'll take it to $250,000. See you later.

Casey was like, I want you to be my marketing person. You'd say no. She'd probably make me go to an office and shit. I'd probably have to go to work on time. Either way, I totally – Can't be hungover. Can't have a beer at lunch. Can't be suicidal. If I can do that and this, okay.

All good. Because I'm choosing one or the other, I'm fucking happy right here. I thought that Kacey Musgraves was Chelsea Cutler. Chelsea Cutler. Chelsea Cutler. Yeah. Yeah. So I got all mixed up.

Kacey Musgraves won the Grammy Album of the Year. Yeah. Kacey Musgraves is the real deal. She's not Kacey Musgraves. I like Chelsea Cutler. Yeah. She's not Kacey Musgraves. Kacey Musgraves. We're talking about two very different people.

Casey Musgraves. Because I talk with Quinn and Quinn's going on tour with Chelsea. So for a second I was like, wait a minute. We've got like a pipeline to this. But no. We've got nothing for Casey. They've got no way to get to Casey. She's a Grammy award winning superstar.

No, but we do. Because we're selling her those shirts. Yeah. And she's either got to decide. So this is what we need. We need everybody. If you listen to this show, you need to buy a Kacey Musgraves shirt.

From us, not her. From us. You need to buy an I am Kacey Musgraves barstool sports shirt. Because it needs to be making bank. Because then her people have to take note and then if we can get into a cnd cd off yeah cease and desist off would be amazing where it's like okay fine then you have to drop your entire fall campaign or you gotta let these shirts go one

or the other and then some judge comes in and says nope that's not how You stop. But it would be fun to play lawyer for a little bit. We need Charlie Kelly being like, here to for henceforth. We will continue to sell shirts until you discontinue. And then they just go, nah, that's not how this works. I remember texting merchandising yesterday. And the text I sent was just, it says, I want the most C&D-able shirt possible for Kacey Musgraves right now. I am Kacey Musgraves. And then they were like, okay, what should it be?

And I was like, I don't really care. Just I want it to be very C&D-able. And they're like, well, what do you think? I was like, I want a bunch of pictures of her face. And they sent me that. And I was like, can you add I am Kacey Musgraves? Take your pick, Kacey. Take your pick, Casey. Take your pick.

God, I can't. We've got to go to war with Casey Musgraves. I would love to be in court with Casey Musgraves where we represent ourselves. That would be amazing. Are you guys sure? We're sure. Definitely. We've come to wearing the shirts.

We've got Zoom mics. Excuse me. Your Honor, could you speak a little louder? This is going to be our next episode. God. By the way, we have COVID. Just kidding. The more this goes on, the more sure I am I have COVID.

Yeah, no, it's definitely. Delta variant. I can't. Can you hear it in my voice? Like, I can COVID. Yeah, no, it's definitely. Delta variant. I can't. Can you hear my voice? I can't. I got that 2.0 shit, bitch. Yeah, yeah. That new, new.

But please, everybody, if you have an extra 15, 20 bucks to spare, 30 bucks to spare. If you have an extra $35 to spare, go buy a KC Musgraves shirt. If you have any sense of humor, if you have any sense of what's right and wrong. It's kind of a cool shirt. It kind of is. It kind of is. It's preposterous. It's kind of like, I am Casey Musgraves.

Bro, do you realize you have the greatest marketing brain of all time? Even the mistake shirts you make are cool. The fact that Barstool Sports just doesn't care about us is so funny. Like we both do certain things very well that nobody here cares about. It's like you're just sitting on a fucking goldmine of ideas here that just nobody catches it on. It's unbelievable. They do.

Yeah, they do. Somebody asked Nick the other day How many How much How much money do you think Vidalberg has lost By not Copywriting ideas And Nick said eight figures

And I think that's probably right I don't know what eight figures is So Fucking jokes on you guys No he He couldn't have said eight figures Eight figures Yeah no eight figures

What's eight figures That'd be tens of millions Tens of millions Whatever man I like my apartment figure eight figure yeah no eight years that'd be tens of millions tens of millions whatever man i like my apartment whatever man i'm gonna die of covid soon so it doesn't fucking matter anyway or my parents a bunch of money to live with i am gonna have to call a lawyer though real drop a will yeah no doubt that is like I'm going to have to. Yeah. No, definitely.

The last time I got really sick of it, like, do you want a will? I was like, I don't have any money, so who cares? I have some money this time. Got to figure out who it's going to go to. Some of that. Can I get in there? Oh, man. I'm really struggling to breathe, so let's keep him over here.

I feel like I'm going to pass out I should really go get a COVID test I'm like hot Sweaty The boys get COVID I'm very achy Which is another flu I'm just telling you all right now

I have COVID You know what the worst part is? You know what the worst part is? It's not that I'm going to have COVID. It's having to go get the test. Oh, let's go go see CityMD. They knock it out fast. Do they?

Yeah. Last time I tried to get a COVID test. It's a gonorrhea, bud. They'll give you a test, not the right one. Last time I tried to go get a COVID test, it was like a whole production. I was going to line out the fucking door. No, no, recently. Oh, recently?

During Delta times, yeah. I had like a day where I thought I for sure had it, and it was not easy. Oh, okay. I mean, when I got my – maybe we just say we're sick with something else, and then they just test you while you're in there anyway. Oh, yeah. Maybe just like break my pinky. This is the MoCray challenge theory.

I'm going to break these kids' bones and get them in the hospital and give them a fucking vaccine. God damn it. I'm going to get the Q-tip in my brain again. Fuck you, John. Fuck you, Pat McAfee. Fuck Barstool for making me go to SummerSlam. I had a blast.

Don't get me wrong, but it's not something I would have done on my own. Yeah, it's like if you would have told me I was going to get COVID for it, I probably would have passed. If you would have thought I was going to buy a ticket to... Now having gone, I would buy another one, but I was never going to do that on my own fucking volition. By the way, I mean, so it's just these vaccines don't mean a goddamn thing, huh? Well, I hope they weren't going to die from it. I guess so. We'll find out. But it's just a goddamn thing, huh? Well, I hope we weren't going to die from it. I guess so. We'll find out.

But it's just like, motherfucker, huh? The prevailing theory is seatbelts don't prevent you from dying in a car accident. They fucking help you, though. Help you out. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. I'll keep that one in my back pocket when I have COVID. Am I the Asshole brought to you by NHTSA.

I can't believe that we're still in a place where I need to tell people not to drink and drive. But there's a reason why the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration still keeps doing these ads with us. And it's because every time there's a holiday and every time there's a summer event, people are drinking and driving. And there are needless deaths and injuries and accidents. It's as simple as drive sober or get pulled over. That's also the main thing – not the main thing. The main thing is death. But I used to be like, I'm probably not going to get in a monstrous death,

deadly accident, but you might get pulled over, and you might get arrested, and your life's ruined because you catch a case for a DUI. So there's so many reasons. Saving lives is the main one, but also just like,

do you want to catch a case? Do you really want to go to the fucking drunk tank for the night? Do you really want to have a DUi on your record so just don't drink and drive get an uber get a lift don't drive that night crash wherever find someone to hook up with sleep in their bed uh do literally anything other than drink and get behind the wheel so stay safe this labor day weekend and always remember drive sober or get pulled over for more information about the drive sober get pulled over. For more information about the Drive Sober, Get Pulled Over campaign, visit trafficsafetymarketing.gov.

I'm actually going to read this verbatim. This is what they actually have to call to action. Visit trafficsafetymarketing.gov slash get-materials-drunk-driving slash national-mobilization slash peak-enforcement-Kid. Before this episode comes out, we've got to let them know.

Get the servers ready. An influx of visitors coming. Am I the asshole? Am I the asshole? Get the servers ready. All right. Let's start it. The sun is rising on the East Coast. All right. The sun is rising on the East Coast. Oh, boy.

Podcast just dropped. We're flooded with traffic. All right. Am I the asshole if I went to a wrestling pay-per-view and gave everyone in my office COVID? God damn it. We got a big am I the asshole this week. It was like one of these viral things that everybody was messaging about.

Am I the asshole? Who is the asshole here? This couple sent out an invoice to a couple who no-showed their wedding. So it was like a literal invoice drawn up for $120. $240. It was $120 a plate. Quantity, two people. Total amount, $240.

And they said, this invoice is being sent to you because you confirmed seats at the wedding reception during the final headcount. The amount above is the cost of your individual seats. Because you didn't call or give us proper notice that you wouldn't be in attendance, this amount is what you owe us for paying your seats in advance. You can pay via Zio or PayPal. Please reach out to us and let us know what your method of payment works for you. Thank you! With a chipper little exclamation point. It says, wedding reception dinner, no show.

$240. Who's the asshole here? I don't think they're the asshole. I did not realize until I read this that they confirmed. If you RSVP, yes. Yes, yeah. RSVP, no. Yeah.

No, no, no. I was going to say, if you don't RSVP, you don't get to assume I'm a yes and then bill me. I'm an asshole for not RSVPing. It was rude of me. If we didn't get RSVP'd, you get assumed a no. Then I don't factor you

into the budget. If you say you're coming and then no show. If you no show but you're like, I got COVID. I can't come. And that shit happens. If you just straight up no show and you don't tell me, I'm sending your ass an invoice. Fuck off.

I mean, no, I'm not. So ultimately my real answer is everyone is the asshole because this is so petty and this is – I guarantee like a bridezilla who's doing this. It's like, I'm fucking making an invoice and sending it to him. But she is within her rights. So she's like a little bit of an asshole because it's like, are you really going to do this? You know, $240 is really worth like this whole thing. But she is within her rights. But also if you send it to everybody.

Well, if you send it to everybody, I actually think – Probably a couple of bucks you're making. I bet you it's more – it's like that couple. I bet you there's – Well, I why they probably did send everybody if these one people i don't not many people i would imagine how many people do but let's say even like let's say 10 couples did you could send it out to everyone and make some of your money back but i bet you it's like you know man that's disappointing like fuck fuck those people but really fuck jessica and jeffrey who were like they do this to us all the time and

that couple blah blah, blah, blah. They gave us COVID that one time. It's probably more of a grudge against this couple that they're really exercising this little power here. Yeah, you're within your rights, I think. But again, the RSVP has to be there.

If you RSVP, no. This obviously has come up recently at Parcel Sports. I think you're not. And if you don't RSVP at all, you're an asshole, but you should get countedP, no. This obviously has come up recently at Parcel Sports. I think you're not. And if you don't RSVP at all, you're an asshole, but you should get counted as a no. If you RSVP, yes. You got to go. Yeah, because we factored that in. We got that amount of booze and that amount of food and all that shit.

And then you got to give a heads up. And if you called the night before and said not making it, then you're off the hook. But I think you can do it. I think you're a little bit of an asshole and a little bit of a drama queen but you are within your rights so the the no-shows are the bigger asshole i think you're a little bit of an asshole if you send the invoice but you're allowed to uh secondly am i the asshole for wearing a bathing suit in a nude-only spa on a work trip? This happened pre-COVID. I was a doctoral candidate.

I'm, like, having trouble breathing and reading. You know what? Now I'm starting to think we don't have COVID. It's just in our heads. My nose is completely shut off. I don't know if that's a COVID thing or not, but I can't breathe. I can still taste. I want to be clear about that.

I can still smell and taste. Can I just tell you real quick, if there's any Corn Pops enthusiasts out there, I thought I had COVID because I was not feeling well the other day and I was eating a bowl of Corn Pops and there was no taste to them. And something changed in Corn Pops

over the last two weeks where it just tastes different. And I don't know if there's anybody out there eating. The last two weeks? Sounds like you were the one who gave it up. I gave back if it COVID. That's what I mean, bro. That's when I got tested.

I ate a bowl of Corn Pops and I was like, there's no fucking taste here. I got tested and there's nothing. It's just I eat Corn Pops a lot. And they went from this sweet, sugary corn goodness to this no fucking taste. And they made me think I had COVID, but Corn Pops, fix your fucking recipe. Anyway, I can't breathe. I was a

doctoral candidate and I was sent with several of my colleagues as well as our professor to a conference which is important in our community. The conference was held in Germany and the participants occupied the entire hotel. Just so we're clear, there were no guests in this hotel who were not attending this conference. The hotel had a spa, and as is custom in Germany,

the spa had a no-bathing-suits-allowed policy, which was posted at the entrance. I've never even heard of that. You have to show us your dick. Right. You couldn't miss it. You couldn't miss it. The conference itself was hugely international,

and the key speakers were mostly Nobel laureates. I don't know why that matters. On the second day of the conference, myself and some newly made friends decided to check out the spa. This being a work conference, I wore a bathing suit. It was strapless, and I had a towel over it, so it wasn't obvious. But many of the others who joined me, probably a little over 20 PhD students, were just straight up rocking the bathing suit. We had the whole hotel to ourselves and who the fuck would go naked at a work meeting well turns out one of the female professors when we

walked into the area of the spa in which she was alone and totally nude she flipped the fuck out on us several of us were actually her students but the rest of us basically knew her from reputation alone she was mortified and beyond pissed that we weren't exposed while she was. After she finished shrieking at us, she left and complained to all of our professors as well as to the hotel staff. Nothing came of it, and I won't guess their reactions as I wasn't there to hear it. We ended up enjoying the next four days in the spa in our bathing suits along with some sometimes also bathing suit-clad professors and sometimes also their children. The professor who complained left the conference that day and did not return, which

is why I think we may be the assholes. What? Bro. What? So, there is one socially completely miscalibrated professor who thinks she can go pussy out at a work conference, gets so mortified

that she tries to put the blame on you and then runs away and goes home and you think you're the asshole? I have never seen so little self-esteem in my life. Have some self-confidence one time. This makes me think it might be me. What are you talking about? I do actually appreciate the idea of a little self-reflection, like me, wait, maybe, but it's like, no.

You're out of work. What is Germany doing? You're not allowed to wear bathing suit policies? What? You don't have to have Bush out. Also, were you surprised or not surprised when it's trying to be a woman? I was... Which person turned out to be a woman? The writer. No, I thought it was a woman from Jump Street. Really? Oh, I was thinking a guy. Well, when she said she had a strapless bathing suit on? Well, I knew. That's where I came over. No, but I thought it was a woman from Jump Street. Really? Oh, I was thinking a guy. Well, when she said she had a strapless bathing suit on? Well, I knew that's where I came over. No, but I thought it was a girl. When I heard the headline, I was thinking a guy.

No, I don't know why I thought it was a girl from Jump Street. Really? Yeah. I guess, like, I was thinking more spa. I guess I heard sauna. Yeah, sauna guys. Yeah, spas, girls. I mean, there's no fucking chance I'm going dick out at a work event

just because the fucking sign on the wall said so. That's insane. In fact, I was actually like, I didn't know what the setup was going to be for like the Barcelona hockey stuff. Uh-huh. And locker room wise. I was like, are we showering together?

Yeah. I didn't really know what was going to happen. Could you imagine? I would have. I would have. I absolutely would have show what was going to happen. Could you imagine? I would have. I absolutely would have showered. You fucking nuts. So then maybe you would.

What are you talking about? It's different. It's like showering after a hockey game versus going to the spa. Bro, you would fucking stand there naked next to Frankie Borelli and Nate? Hockey vest is different. Hockey vest, I knew they weren't going to be showers. I'm talking pond hockey. Okay. I don't know. Hockey Fest, I knew they weren't going to be showers. I'm talking pond hockey. Okay. I don't know.

Same fucking guys, no? No. Okay. You would shower naked next to Chief? Yeah. That's fucking bizarre, bro. Chief, YP, Riggs. It's all people who played hockey.

It's just what you do. I guess so. I guess it's all hockey guys. Well, all right. What if it was Hockey Fest? It would have nate and frankie for some reason that changes it it's like because you're not like they went through hockey life where hockey players are gayer than gay guys no doubt they're the gayest people on the planet um and so yeah i guess that that does make sense to me actually i could never

in a million years just be like soaping up my junk next to me are you fucking kidding me and i mean i couldn't do the hockey thing either i couldn't no yeah you're gonna shower next naked next to riggs are you fucking nuts yeah no problem shower next toiggs. Riggs, how's your sack? No, no, no, no, no, no. But I mean, also, the big X factor here was mixed sex. They were with guys and girls on this fucking thing. That's crazy, too. They were? Yeah.

I missed that part. Yeah. Because it was students. It was all over the place. It just said 20 PhD students, right? I assume they were all girls. I don't think so. I assume they were all women at that point.

I don't think there's a reason to assume it was all one sex. So in Germany. Because it just says, well, turns out one of the female professors. I mean, you wouldn't specify female if it wasn't mixed sex. Could you imagine if we were in Vegas and there was a spa and this crew here and I just go with my dick out? It's like, hey, Jackie, Mike, can you get that clip for me? And I'm just standing there

like fucking naked. Insane. That is insane behavior. It is crazy town. It is crazy. And then to ever for one second think that the naked person might be in the wrong. Christ almighty. The fact that she fucking took her ball and went home that the naked person might be in the wrong. Christ almighty. The fact that she fucking took her ball and went home makes me think I might be the asshole.

That girl, that woman, get a new job. You grossly misread the situation. Real quick before we move on to voicemails, I just want to give a shout out to this woman in Maryland from back in July who furthered my... I've had a long-running blog theory that platonic roommates over the age of 40 always ends in death. Yeah, yeah. And this might be

the craziest one yet. Maryland woman charged with killing her 92-year-old housemate. How old do you think she was uh 56 26 years old 26 year old girl had a 92 year old woman as a roommate this is just jackie if you killed that turkish woman you it could have been you. Julia Birch allegedly twice admitted to police that she killed Nancy Ann Frankel. Nancy Ann Frankel is the most old lady name I've ever heard in my life. Congratulations on surviving the Holocaust, Nancy. Nancy Frankel.

You didn't survive having a 26-year-old roommate, though. It just sounds like a Holocaust name. Look at this old man. That poor bitch just got murdered, bro. I don't even know if it's Jewish. Is Frankel a Jewish name? Birch moved in with Frankel several months ago. Something in Frank.

That's what's happening. Nancy and Frankel. Yeah, okay. That's what it was. I knew there was something that made the connection. Birch moved in with Frankel several months ago in what the victim's family considered to be a mutually beneficial living situation.

Jack, you can attest. In what world is being a 26-year-old is it mutually beneficial? Is it beneficial to have a 92-year-old fucking roommate? Yeah, because you can steal

our Social Security money. And I love this. I love this. It's not about mutually beneficial, but it worked out. What's the girl's name? Patty? Nancy.

Nancy Frankel. Bill Strait. No, no, no. The one Patty? Nancy. Nancy Frankel. Bill Strait. Julia. Bill Strait, who is Frankel's 66-year-old son-in-law, said, even in our wildest imagination, no one could have ever, ever, ever thought this could possibly happen. Yeah, I fucking hope so!

If there's even one person when Julia's moving in with 92-year-old grandma who has, even in their wildest imagination, go, what if Julia murders grandma? Then I think we should have called the whole thing off. If there's one person who even has that thought. I think in your wildest imagination, you just don't have a good imagination then. Because if a 26-year-old needs to move in with my grandmother, I believe she's probably nuts. Yeah, that's actually a great point.

That's my whole theory right there. Platonic roommates always end in death. Yeah, found her body. How'd she kill her? That's what I'm trying to find. Oh, she was a long-time family friend and an award-winning sculptor.

Found the body. Suffocated her. Suffocated her? She was probably snoring at night. How the fuck did you get caught suffocating a 96-year-old woman? She just died in her sleep. She just died in her sleep and then someone shows up and you just were like, I did it!

Julia Birch has no game. She just cracked under the pressure immediately. Yeah, she just died in her sleep. She's 96. That's what old people do. They die. Fucking A. Alright, let's get into our voicemails. Then we got our interview with Burt. Also, after Burt, we've got an interview with Chef Donnie, who's fighting in Rough and Rowdy. If you want to throw some hands, get in shape, maybe potentially

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then use code KFC. Get $200 off your lightboxer today. What do we got? Voicemails. Let's go. Hey KFC Fights. What's going on, guys? What is something that you wish you could taste for the first time again? So I just had like a Reese's. I thought, imagine not trying it until you were an adult.

And the thought of it kind of blew my mind. So what's something that you would love to just taste the first time again and get that same feeling later? I think a cheesesteak for me.

A cheesesteak? Because I moved. I didn't have one at all in my childhood. I was like living in the Bronx. Then I moved – I didn't have one at all in my childhood. I was like living in the Bronx. Then I moved out to Philly, outside of Philly, and the cafeteria used to have cheesesteaks. But obviously, elementary school cafeteria, it looked disgusting. So I was like, that's fucking gross, and all you weird Philly trash people can suck a dick. And then when I finally did have my first

cheese steak when i was older i was like this is my favorite thing i've ever eaten you you do love a cheese love cheese steaks i think mine probably booze you're so sick why because you're an alcoholic which which which specifically beer whiskey a beer because like i didn't like beer but that's the thing i mean so when you relive it, you're not going to like it, right? I think you like it. I think it's just like – I mean, I was like seven. The first time I had a beer? Yeah.

That's not the first time I started drinking. That's the first time like an uncle gave me a sip of beer. So you took a sip and you didn't enjoy it. Do you want to relive that? I think like as an adult, you'd like it. But I feel like it's an acquired taste because you've been drinking it. You think so? Yeah.

I think if you like wipe your palate clean of it and you take a sip of it for the first time, you're going to have that same reaction. I disagree, but I see what you're saying. I mean I guess because you've eaten and drank other things that are like bitter or whatever that kind of are similar. Yeah. And you've grown to like those that maybe you would like beer. But I feel like when you say acquired taste, it's not just that like you're – I don't know. Maybe it's because your tongue and your body and whatever has changed or is it just because

you've consumed that thing enough? No, I think it's because like it's like you do it with everything really. Like I didn't like dark chocolate until I was – Yeah. It wasn't like I was like completely – I was eating it the whole time. I just only ate milk chocolate. And then one day I was like, I'm trying dark chocolate again. And I was like, well, never touch a milk chocolate ever again.

This is way better. Yeah, that's a good question. What exactly does acquired taste mean? But I would pick something that tastes much better than alcohol. I like the taste of alcohol. That's your downfall. Like it slows me down enough that I don't want to drink it. So I'm like, yeah, I don't need it it but when you like the taste that'd be dangerous like uh that's why espresso martinis

are so great to me because it's like to me that i do like the taste of that so i can drink a bunch of them and you drink a bunch of those and you're fucking yeah it's weird that you like that though because it's like it's coffee very strange i love you don't like i love coffee flavored ice cream i love coffee flavored alcohol i don't like coffee milk I don't like coffee. I like coffee milk. I don't like that, though. I don't like coffee. But espresso martinis, best drink in the world. Yeah. Somebody tried to be like, drink a real drink, man.

Like, I don't know, dude. Fucking straight booze and caffeine is like a pussy drink now. All right, man. I'm such a fucking loser drinking that. Fuck out of here. What food would you do, though? Forget about alcohol. Food?

Man. Probably Cherise. I just brought a coffee milk so we're staying in the... What the fuck is Cherise? Cherise? It's like it's... People are going to be like,

you mean chorizo? No, it's not chorizo. It's fucking chorizo. Sausage? Yeah, it's like a spicy sausage. What a bizarre answer. Dude, chorizo is so fucking good. What a wacky answer.

It's one of my favorite foods. It's so fucking good. This motherfucker said sausage. Come on, that's the weirdest answer ever, right? Bro, what did you say? Gay? If I could get sausage in my mouth for the first time ever. I mean, sausage is objectively the weirdest answer I've ever...

Like the last thing in the world I would have said there is sausage. But Cherise doesn't just come with sausage. Okay, that's even crazier that you're saying something Cherise. Like this is insanity. No, Cherise is so fucking good. Like most people pick their favorite meal or their favorite dessert. Cherise is my favorite meal. Cherise is your favorite meal?

I have never heard you say the word Cherise once. I don't know. I've never seen you eat sausage in my life. But it's not Cherise. Cherise. We're not talking about Cherise. Where can you even get Cherise? We have coffee.

I've never seen you eat Cherise once. Just got the update. We're negative. All right. One's off the board. First of all, it's not available. I can't eat it here. It's only a Fall River delicacy.

Fall River is Portuguese, and it's a Portuguese meat. It's fucking delicious. Cherise. Really, really good. You can get it ground. I swear to God, that's the worst answer in the history of KC Radio we need to it's not

it's not oh it's a special kind of Portuguese sausage yeah it's fucking delicious why don't you go fuck yourself

how about this how about this why don't you go fuck yourself and die you've never had it yeah so you're gonna get

to try it for the first time sure and I bet you I'm gonna be like this is a weird sausage meal this is the best I'm gonna eat it I'm gonna go that's to be like, this is a weird sausage meal. This is the best. I'm going to eat it.

I'm going to go, that's all right, but it's certainly not something I would choose with my one wish to relive. I chose Philly cheesesteaks. It's like, yeah,

go to D'Angelo's one time. Cherise. I'm talking to fucking delicacies here and you're talking fucking roadside sandwiches. Fall River delicacy. The fuck out of here.

Next. Hey, guys. First time, long time. I got a would you rather here as I sit in traffic driving home from work. Would you rather have the ability to teleport anywhere you want, but every time you teleport, you arrive to your location with a fresh shit in your pants, or everywhere you drive is a 30-minute drive?

Like, you want to go grab milk from 7-Eleven, 30 minutes minimum. Okay. But you do have the ability to teleport. You're just going to arrive. I – About this, though, for clarification. Everywhere you drive is 30 minutes. So what if I drive to LA?

I was going to say, that actually is a bonus in a lot of ways. But it depends. So that doesn't affect you in any way, really. No. So, like, I – when I need to, need to hop in the car and go get my kids, I need to plan 30 minutes every time? That sucks. But driving everywhere would be awesome.

Like, yo, I want to go to Miami. 30 minutes? Right. I don't think that's what he meant. So let's say anything under 30 minutes becomes 30 minutes is what he meant. Let's not be assholes about this. I was probably going to pick teleport shit my pants anyway. Yeah, me too.

But now I'm definitely picking it without the other side of it. But I can't do the 30-minute drive thing. If I could teleport and then – Shit my pants is a mild inconvenience at this point in my life. That was so genuine. That was not for the podcast. That was not for effect. He really meant the podcast. That was not for effects. He really meant that shit.

He really meant that shit. Like, that just happened a few times a month now. But here's the thing. If I don't have time to change, I'm not going to change. If I had a 30-minute drive on my my hands I wouldn't even change my pants If I could teleport anywhere I want Can't you just build that in To like

Okay I'm gonna teleport to Feidelberg's apartment I'm just gonna teleport right to his bathroom And I'll just change my pants You know Yeah Like I'll just teleport right to the bathroom Take my boxers off Throw them in the garbage

But here's the problem You'd have to travel with boxers Like underwear everywhere them in the garbage. But here's the problem. You'd have to travel with boxers, like underwear, everywhere you go. Yeah, you'd have a backpack. Yeah, you'd have a backpack full of underwear. Because if I teleport to your house and I've got shit in my pants, then I've got to teleport somewhere else. Well, now I've got shit in my pants because I took my underwear off.

So I've got to just be like, hang on a second. Let me put on a fresh pair of boxers and teleport. But by the way, teleporting is so awesome that if you let a little bit of poop in your pants stop you from one of the greatest superpowers that has ever been conjured up. Teleport? Oh, let me teleport right to the ocean in Miami. Clean my butt out in there. Teleport home to my house. Jump in the fucking shower.

Like, yeah, I'm not telling you to teleport to the Met Gala. You don't have to teleport to the middle of a fucking wedding or something. Just use your teleportation in places that poop in your pants isn't the biggest inconvenience. Which is most places. If you're John. The 30-minute drive thing is... The problem with that is that just is horribly inconvenient. And all you're thinking – maybe he did mean everywhere because there's – then there's no reason to pick that. Yeah, that's true.

So he did mean everywhere you drive because then there would be a bonus. So the bonus on this side is you get to teleport. The bonus here is that you don't have to deal with shit in your pants. You do have to drive places, but everywhere is 30 minutes. Because now I'm swaying back. Because, right? I mean, that makes sense. There can't be a would-you-rather that has something awesome like teleportation on one side and the other side doesn't have anything good.

So, yeah. You could drive to, like, and I'm going to say you can fucking, I mean, you can't, like, drive over water or whatever, but that means anywhere you can get on land, you can get 30 minutes. That's not that long. I don't have to deal with the poop. Now, fuck that, but teleportation's, like, teleportation's amazingly fucking convenient,

and then you just got to wipe your ass. And the world, I'm not just in the world. I'm also, yeah, yeah, you can go anywhere you want. Continental United States. And I am thinking that, for the sake of this, would you rather, it's probably a pants full of poop. We're not talking about a little shard. I'm talking about, like, you've got to, like, dump it out of your pants, you know?

Like, it falls out when you take your pants off. Yeah. This is your life, Jackie. This is your life. You gave a good head nod, a good head shake over there. Like, god damn it. What's your answer, Jackie. This is your life. You gave a good head nod, a good head shake over there. God damn it. What's your answer, princess? I went with the 30 minutes, but you guys made a pretty good argument.

Jackie, shit in your pants! Let's answer. If I'm a chick, I'm answering totally different. You can't shit in your pants, Jackie. Oh, I'll find it. If I'm a chick, why do I get a little rabbit poop in my pants? I'm not even bringing the extra change of clothes.

Next voicemail. One more and then Bert. Jesus. What's up, fights, KC, Jackie, Nick, interns. I had a question. It stems from a TikTok I saw.

Some dude was saying that no one's talking about the fact that sharks and camels will never know that each other exists. Wow. As species. So my question is, what is your one thing that no one is talking about that blows your mind or is crazy or something? I'm sorry. What was the question there? Well, it's funny you ask because I don't think those two things had anything to do with each other. He said on TikTok, people are saying that – oh, no, I understand what he said. Okay, I get it. I get it. He said on TikTok, it's saying that camels and sharks will never know about each other.

They will never know about each other's existence. I think his question was just, what's something that blows your mind like that? I think that's what he was saying. It's like, what's something that nobody's talking about? Yeah, that's how he It's like, what's something that nobody's talking about? Yeah, yeah, that's how he worded it. What's something that nobody's talking about? I was like, who killed JFK? Well, yeah, that's why I don't get his question,

because I can come up with a ton of things. Why are people not talking about the aliens? Why are people not talking about who killed JFK? Why are people not talking about, you know, that JonBenet Ramsey's brother was the person who killed her? Why are people not talking about OJ's son might have been the murderer? Why are people not talking about, you know, that JonBenet Ramsey's brother was the person who killed her? Why are people not talking about OJ's son might have been the murderer? Why are people not talking about, you know, the list goes on and on. I don't know what it has to do with fucking camels and sharks, though.

What's a mind-blowing fact no one knows? I don't know. I don't know it. Yeah. But I guess, do you have something that you think, I wish I did because that would be an incredibly original thought if I was like, nobody is talking about this. Scarecrows are to scarecrows.

Man, that was bad. I've done a lot more crow research. We're going to make – first of all, we're going to make crow NFTs. Okay. Because I got an NFT. I'm getting you one too from the koala, the koala who looks like you. I got one. At least they were like $300,000.ala. The koala who looks like you. I got one. I thought you said they were like $300,000.

No, they're not $300,000. They're $300. Oh, that's what I said with a K? Yeah, I didn't get what you meant. I was like, no, I didn't say K, did I? Oh, because I thought – I was like, oh, $295,000, that's not bad. Well, it's not bad, but it's also – I mean I wasn't ready to throw $300 at this little fucking stamp. But I've been talking to the people at Crazy Koalas.

We got it taken care of. But I want to make my own NFTs, and we're going to make crows. And we've got a couple characters already lined up. We did some talking. We've got Crownelius. Crownelius, he's like a very sophisticated crow. He has like a monocle, and he wears like an ascot, and he's like a sophisticated crow.

And then there's Mr. Crow Man. Mr. King Crow. Crow Man. Then there's Crow Man who is like – No, Mr. Crow Man. Right, Mr. Crow Man. There's like a king crow. I've learned a lot about –

General Crone Wallace. Sure. Yes. Crone Wallace. Yes, I like this. The Patriot. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I was going to say.

He was an actual general in the British Army. So then he will make a general. He'll be a general. He'll have a red coat. Yes, yes. Crow bar. Yeah, we did a crow. We're going to open a place called the Crow Bar where there's like crows that hang out there.

Crow Marty. Antonio Crow Marty, sure. Antonio Crow Marty, the football player crow. Crows. where there's like crows that hang out there um but marty antonio crow marty sure antonio crow marty the football player crow yeah crows not only was jackie's mom like dead on here um crows have funerals yeah right we talked about that yeah crows recognize human faces and like that's the crazy lady yes so jackie's mom might have thought that uh she scared them off better chance that they're like rounding up the homies and i'm gonna come back because there are there are stories of crows like knowing individual humans and like bringing things to them and like would bring like one time they would bring you like i don't know a dead rat you

know like the animals do that one time, a crow brought this human money. Found, like, a $5 bill, brought it. And the human was like, oh, my God, excited about the money. And the crow, like, learned that and continued to bring green things and paper things and, like, tried to replicate that. Crows are mad smart. They can read traffic lights, too. They can read traffic lights, bro. Some of them learned, yeah.

Why? I don't know. You fly, dude. You don't need to worry about that. Imagine a crow just stops and it's just like... Or like a yellow light, he slows down. Yeah, crows are fucking crazy smart. So we're going to start crow NFTs.

And the whole thing is going to be that. Crows are kind of scary and shit, but we're going to make them cutesy and fun and relatable. The relatable crows. We're going to the top, baby. We're going to make them like cutesy and fun and relatable. The relatable crows. We're going to the top, baby. We're going to the top. Someone gets a murder of NFTs? Yeah. I bought a murder today.

I got 12 of them. You want to see my koala? Yeah. My koala is fucking fire, bro. How does it work? Are people going to app you to save it on, or is it just like saving photos? Yeah, it's a thing. You've got to have MetaMask and OpenSea and they sent it to me and shit.

This is my koala. He's – I'm going to name him – his name is going to be Knowledge the Koala, but the K is not silent. K'Knowledge the Koala because he's having a little shower thought. He's in the tub and he's got a little light bulb going off. K'Knowledge. K'Knowledge. K'Knowage the koala. This thing is going to be worth minimum $300,000 one day.

Knollage. If you want Knollage, pony up. And you know what? He's my firstborn. He's priceless. I'm not selling him for shit. You could offer me a million dollars right now. Knollage is staying in my phone, staying in my little wallet or whatever the fuck it is.

But get into the koala NFT game, man. We're going to make Koalas the new thing, bro. Koalas are it. You can merch with them because those Koalas are cool. We might partner up with crazy Koalas. Who knows? All right, let's get into it. Burt Kreischer.

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What's up, big boy? How do I sound? You sound perfect, man. Great hat. You might have the best hat collection in the world. What do you think? Dude, I get sick hats. You know, I get hooked up with these dudes at Hat Club, SF Grippy.

They send me hats all the time. And then the Clink Room, they just send me hats. And I'll tell you why. Can I tell you why? Have we started? Yeah, let's go. Here's what drives me nuts. See, I have a size 8 head.

Yeah, you got a melon. That is the biggest head you can have. That means anyone with a size eight knows the exact struggle i go through i go into a hat store i go into a lids and i go hey what do you have in size eight they go everything and i go you don't have no you're lying yeah you're lying what do you want and i go okay i want the montreal hat and he's like we don't have that the only ones they ever have are new y Yankees, Boston Red Sox. That's because everyone in those two freaking cities move somewhere.

So then you end up with a Yankees hat. Then you're walking around in L.A. in Rouse, and you're wearing a Yankees hat, and some fucking jackass is like, yo, bro, what's the score? Do you want me to pitch tonight? And you're like, hey, man, I don't really follow baseball like that. Like, I can't. And he's like, why are you wearing the hat?

Why are you wearing the hat? I go, because I have a size 8 hat. I get it, man. You can't wear a Yankees hat, though. I'd rather go hatless. I'd rather go hairless. I'd rather go fucking headless than have a Yankee hat on my head. By the way, Yankees is probably, like, brand-wise.

Like, we're talking brands. Yankees is one of the best hats around. It's so much better than a Mets hat. A Mets hat reeks of, I had issues with my father. He was a Mets fan. I'm trying to put him back together. He died in a bowling alley. He had the first dollar he made inside his wallet.

I love my father. You know that's why I'm a Mets fan. Fuck you, Bert. I think you just destroyed Kevin's life in like 30 seconds. I used to be a fan. Now fuck you, Bert. Man, that is brutal here. He kept the first

dollar he made in his wallet. I'm going to die in the bowling alley. I think that I just told you Billy Crystal's life story. Yo, so first of all, you're out of your surgery, right? Post-op? God, what a fucking run it's been for the two bears. Jesus Christ, you guys. Guys, guys, officially, I just changed it here. I'm at 90 guys. Guys, guys. Officially, I just painted here.

I'm at 90 degrees. Let's go. You really are. I mean, the Mickey Mantle gene, brother. You're like, you know, you just defy science, man. It makes no sense. Was that Instagram picture? Was that real?

Is that how skinny your arms are? No. Okay. That's what I said. I was like, that's got to be photoshopped. Bro, I thought it was real. I'm a sucker for things on the internet. I believe everything I see.

I haven't gotten the vaccine yet. I actually, I, the first person to text me was Rogan. And he goes, bro, is this fucking real? We got to get you in the gym, man. We got to work you out. You should see the one I sent. I sent them one of my, because I got a new phone number. And I took, I did the same thing with my dick.

It's the best fucking picture. It's the best fucking picture. And when you get a new phone number, Segura and Rogan have had nine new phone numbers. I got my first new phone number. So Segura's like, all right, take a picture of yourself holding a piece of paper with your phone number on it. And then send it so people know it's you. And so I was like, okay.

So I did it. And then Rogan goes, still don't believe it. Show me a picture of your dick. So I was like, all right. It looks like a Coke can. It is so fucking big. It is so big. And then, you know, it's all comics on that thread.

So they're like, did you get your dick caught in a car door? Did it get stung by a hundred bees? Man, what a group text that must be. Jesus Christ. That's hilarious hilarious but everything went well i know you were like you were scared you're gonna die or some shit on the table i melted down yeah man you were bugging one of the last one of the last two bears we did was the day before i went to surgery what had happened i i'm not really great at i'm super sensitive and so and sagura knows that and he's and and he was like he's like are you sure you want to post that podcast because I'm super sensitive. And so, and Segura knows that.

And he's, and, and he was like, he's like, are you sure you want to post that podcast? Because what had happened is my number had gotten leaked. My number had gotten doxxed. And you get a ton of really cool texts and phone calls.

When your number gets out, there are people throughout a year that will call the most random, they'll find your number and they'll be like, hello? And you're like, hey, what's up? And they're like, is this the machine? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like is this the machine and i'm like yeah yeah and they're like oh my god it's really you

and like yeah man you called me what do you want right and so so you get a bunch of really cool ones like i had a dad this is my favorite one ever but i'm not my favorite one i have a bunch of really good ones i had a dad one time call and he goes uh this is this is burt and he's kind of crying and i go it is and he goes i just got your number off the internet i just got my daughter off at florida state i'm fucking and i'm your dad you know and me and him talked as he drove down the 10 me and him talked wow we talked about and it was it was our fucking coolest phone call yeah and then and then progressively he just proceeds to get wasted every other night and call me. And call you.

Yeah, yeah. It was cool the first time, bro. I don't want to talk anymore. I'll lose my number. And then you get really cool phone calls. Like me and Sigur in the car one time. This had just happened. We were in the car, and the Starbucks person was a bigger fan of me than his.

And this guy just called randomly. And I answered it. I go, hello. And he goes, hey, is Zagora still in the car? And I said, yeah. And he goes, I'm a bigger fan of his than you. And I'm like, no. It was like Zagora and I were doubled over laughing, right?

But for all the good ones you do get, it's interesting. They start off friendly, and you don't reply. And then they turn on you. And it's usually with tests. And it's like – Especially like a guy like you when it's like you talk to your fans and you're down to earth. People expect you to like have full-blown conversations with them just because you're an average guy. And it's like, no, I can't talk to every random number that texts me, dude.

Yeah. And so right before I was going into surgery, there were two dudes who had my number who were being absolutely hateful. And I was like, I don't need this. Look, I don't read comments on Instagram because I don't want to see anything bad. And a lot of it's good, but I just don't. The idea that I would get on Twitter and it would ruin my day is just not in the cards for me. I don't do it. Smart man.

Yep. would get on Twitter and it would ruin my day. It's just not in the cards for me. I don't do it. Smart man. But I can't have it where they can get into my phone and then they can get into my life. And so I changed my number but I was like melting down on one of the two bears because I was like, I really thought I was going to die. Tom was like, yo, any

last words? This might be the last time you ever talk to the bear. Tom was being an asshole, just poking the pear. Why did you think he was going to die? He's dead inside. He's fucking dead inside. But what made you think you were going to die? You just had a feeling? Complications with surgery, dude.

Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. Yeah, he just kept talking about surgery like i mean i shouldn't laugh because it does happen but you were just so convinced you were going to be the one in a and then they started looking up the numbers don't do that man the numbers of bad things happening are really much better than you think really yeah you start looking at it you're like dude. I'll stand outside in a thunderstorm way quicker than I'll go into surgery. And that's scary.

You get in the water, but you're so much safer than getting attacked by a shark. I mean, the numbers are scary. Yeah. And so I was like, and then, I don't know, man. You know, just like everything, everything, when I got into the hospital, the waiting room sucked, right? The Asian dude next to me sucked. He was like, hey, man, can I be awake for my surgery? And they're like, what?

And he's like, I'm studying to be a doctor, and I would love to see the procedure. Oh, my God. What an asshole. And they're like, hey, man, you don't want to be awake for this. Yeah, like, you know what? I don't think that guy should be a fucking doctor if you't want to be awake for this yeah like you know what i don't think that guy should be a fucking doctor if you think you can be awake for the surgery you're out dude you can't have anyone in covid you can't have anyone in there yeah and they take

your your fun mask the mask that you're comfortable with they give you the surgical one and then they and then and then everything changed for me i get get into the room, and the curtain opens, and it's this chick. And she goes, ah, the machine. And I go, yeah. She goes, oh, I'm so excited. And I was like, what? She goes, I saw your name on the thing. And I was like, I listen.

I know that you're going into surgery. And I was hoping it was you. And I was like, yeah, it's me. And I was like, hey, get me that cocktail quick. It's coming. I was so nervous I couldn't even feel it. I kept saying, I need my cocktail. And he goes, dude, you've had it.

And I was like, more. Push that button. I've had nurses or something like that that were like Barstool fans. And they're like, oh, it's Feidelberg. And I was like, I don't want that. New nurse, please.

Our fans, I do not want you to be my, one, because I don't want you to see my dick, and two, because I think you're probably not very good at your job. No, I love, I love, it makes me feel comfortable. Like, when I know someone's a fan, I love, I love, it makes me feel comfortable. Like, when I know someone's a fan, I feel, because it's like, here's the thing. And maybe this is, I don't know, I don't see, I think it's the same, but like, with podcast fans, they know everything about me. Everything. I mean, everything.

Like, this chick Lucy that called on Two Bears, One Cave, who does my, who's doing my pre-op, she was a fan. And she was like, I don't want to geek out, but, you know, I know who you are. And I was like, cool. And she goes, can I just say, can you just loop me into group text with Leanne, because I know you're not reading any of these. And I was like, yeah, of course. And so then I looped her in with Leanne, and she's like,

Leanne, this is Lucy. I listen to Two Bears, One Cave. I saw Bert at the Ace Hotel or whatever. Whatever she said. And she's like, here's what Bert needs to do. And she's like, thanks, Lucy. Leanne and Lucy are still texting today. That is great, man.

Yeah, it's like having a little personal, like they just give you a little extra care, right? They take care of you. Yeah, and you know what the other thing I did is this. So like I've always gotten panic attacks, especially when I did Trip Flip. care right they take care of you yeah and you know what the other thing i did is this so like i i've always gotten panic attacks and especially when i did trip flip and i noticed on trip flip if i could um if i could find the camera my panic attack would go away so if i could play to the camera so like if i'm about to jump off a 450 foot cliff and do a rope swing i would practice my read i'd get my read ready you know uh i'm here in interlock my read. I'd get my read ready. I'm here in Interlaken, Switzerland.

I'd get my read ready. And getting my read ready would get my mind off it. If I was underwater, I'd find the camera, and I'd talk to the camera, and my panic would go away. Every time. A lot of times, secret time, if you see a day where I have a lot of stories on my Instagram stories, I'm having a rough day.

You get that camera out. Get my mind off of you. Look, it might be shallow, whatever the fuck it is, but if I have... Yesterday, my arm was hurting and I started wondering, did I fuck it up? Did I fuck it up by using it too much? I've got to go to a new degree. I just went, all right, let's focus on something else.

Let's make a project. It's all about specialty cocktails. I want specialty cocktails for Rosario, Jennifer, Corey, and T-Pain. When we wrap, I'm going to get my guys. Oh, we got a smoker. Let's put the smoker. I distract myself. My thing going in, and I told my anesthesiologist

this, was I'm going to do a read for my Red Rock show, September 8th, going in. He goes, cool, what music do you want to play? I go, Creedence Clearwater Revival. He goes, we'll be blaring it in the surgery room. And he goes, I'll make sure you get your read. And I was like, cool. And so I

focused my energy on that. I'm sure someone could figure out a better way for me to fucking focus my energy and get rid of panic attacks. But I focused my energy on that, and I did a read rolling into surgery with my phone. Dude, that makes perfect sense to me. I don't think it that, and I did a read rolling into surgery. Dude, that makes perfect sense to me. I don't think it's shallow.

I don't think you need to come up with a better way. It's like this is what you do. You love what you do. It's what you focus on, and if it works, it works. It's like an athlete talking about on the field, they're nothing but a lot of them. Yeah. On the field, I can escape. In front of the camera, you escape. It was funny. I got a call from Sugura. In front of the camera, you escape. It was funny.

I got a call from Sugura. I posted it the next day. I got a call from Sugura, and he goes, I am honestly astounded at what different men we are. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I know you were scared, and I wasn't scared, but my surgery room was very somber, very quiet. Everyone was like, all right, Mr. Sugura, we're going to have you count backwards from 100.

And when you wake up, the surgery will be done. We've got the best surgeons in here. We're going to have a great surgery, and we'll see you in recovery. And he goes, you go in music blaring going, what's up, everybody? I'm at Red Rock September 8th. I'm opening Jimmy Buffett's the night before, Jimmy Buffett's the night after. And then my anesthesiologist is like, hell yeah. And I'm like, you want to come? I just invited my Rock September 8th. I'm opening Jimmy Buffett's the night before, Jimmy Buffett's the night after. And then my anesthesiologist is like, hell yeah. And I'm like, you want to come?

I just invited my anesthesiologist. He fist bumps the phone out of my hand. I grab it. I mean, I did like three reads, by the way, until they put me under. And the last thing I heard was, let's just put him to sleep. He's never going to fucking shut up. I had done stories. Obviously, you know, I'm nervous.

I did stories all getting rolled into the surgery room. he's never gonna fucking shut up i had done stories obviously you know i'm nervous yeah i did stories all going getting rolled into the surgery room and then i had stopped and i was like shit i gotta do a read so i get out of the surgery and leanne's like yo you gotta check your fucking stories and i was like what she's like i said some unsavory things on your stories. Oh, no. I'm high as shit. High as shit. And my anesthesiologist was Asian and all I said was, dude, I love your accent. He didn't have an accent at all! He didn't have an accent at all!

But he knew what I was trying to say. He's like, I know. Because he has a really deep voice and he goes, I know. And I go, no, you know what I'm saying? And they go, it's his voice. His voice is really soothing. He was the coolest dude, hearing, badass. Love me out.

Love your accent. He called me the night before, and he goes, I haven't drank in two weeks. He goes, why? And I said, well, I want to make sure I'm healthy for this. And he goes, dude, I put crackheads under. I'm happy to see it went well I know you were bugging I also, in listening the last couple weeks

You guys You came up with I think the greatest idea of all time The greatest loophole of all time And that's fucking Adriana Cechik with a strap on Brother Brother That is

We do similar type shows where we're thinking of weird sex scenarios and weird you know all the weirdest

shit in the world I can't believe we never thought of that it's the best fucking idea ever Kevin texted me that yesterday he's like

fucking genius it's not genius it's not my dick I have some questions like where's your dick go like cause you're gonna get hard fucking age

so are you putting it to the left? In my right hand. Dude, you know what it is? Because me and Tom have been now in two weird sexual situations. One is Adrian Chachik offering us the double teamer.

And then the other one was, and this is my favorite one ever, like comedy sometimes is in the subtlest moments. You know, like the subtlest moments are the fucking funniest. Tom and I did that Two Bears Live event and we had our dicks tethered together

with an electric cord and this dominatrix was shocking our cocks and see who could take more. And it's in our underwear. We're in our underwear in a room. It's so fucking creepy. And finally we tap out. She's like, all right, cool.

What's next? And we're like, what do you mean what's next? She goes, you guys want me to make you cum? And both Tom and I just looked at each other and we're like. Tom goes, Tom goes, Tom goes, how would you do that? I just take him to the room and I get this vibrator and I just vibrate your cock until you come. And Tom looked back at me and he's like, We're married. I like how that's the line.

Coming is the line. You can get electrocuted with your dicks, but you can't come. But that's why the strap-on works. There's no come. Well, no, there'd be coming. But you'd be making yourself come. She wouldn't be making you come, so it's not cheating. You know what would be great about the strap-on this crap i've thought about this a lot clearly is if i had sex with adrian and

chad chick i would come so fast it would be i mean it would be yeah it wouldn't be worth it it's not worth it see cheating for me isn't worth it because it would be over so quick right regret it instantly right you know and it's like when you were a kid and you took acid for the first time. You're like, oh, I think that was a bad idea. And so it wouldn't be worth it. What would be worth it with a strap on is you could take your time with it. And really do it in your horns. And just get rock. I mean, you would be rock hard.

Just like, oh. Like, just, oh. I mean, yeah, think about it. You could do all the positions, all the different rooms. Let's go in the kitchen. Let's go in the bathroom. Let's go over here.

Because it's going to last forever. It's not my dick. It's brilliant. Are you getting, are you using a strap-on that's the same size as your dick, bigger than your dick, or smaller than your dick?

So I hadn't thought, I assumed. By the way, in my visual, it was black and it was big. I was going to say, I would go for a big, black, 12-inch dick. Can I tell you something? In my visual of you wearing a strap-on,

it was black and big, too. No one rents a car cheaper than their car. You rent L.A.? You rent a fucking Maserati. I don't know if they're making one small in the mine. I don't think there's a business. There's not a market for that one.

Shit. What was funny, though, was the reaction, too, of both wives. Like, Leanne was like, that's disgusting. And Push was a little like well she's laughing about it she's like i don't think so but there was some wiggle room there for tom i think he's got a shot maybe i mean we by the way tom and i are trying everything we can to ruin our careers i mean we you know we're like i'm like a legit fucking movie actor like i'm fucking like tom and i are very soon mean, everything's happening for our career.

And we are fucking doing everything we can to cancel ourselves. Like, right before the premiere of The Machine is going to be this fucking strap-on live show. And the movie studio is going to be like, Mark Hamill's going to be like, what the fuck are you doing, Bert? I got to do press With you right now Dude I I would love to um I would you know I would follow through I think if me and Tom and Leanne And Push had all been at dinner together

I think we could have talked Leanne Yeah Right I think about the money And the tickets and the kids And yeah we'll make this happen Now that I mean No go ahead Think about the money and the tickets and the kids. And yeah, we'll make this happen. Now that, I mean. You know, we tried to shoot.

No, go ahead. We tried to shoot porns. We wrote and tried to shoot porns. Didn't you guys write like each other's porn or something like that? We wrote our own porns for ourselves. Okay. And then mine was a time travel porn because I'm obsessed with time travel. And by the way, it was a really fucking great idea. I mean –

I don't doubt it. Soft pitch, a cop, a scientist, and a priest, female priest, come into my green room after I've done two sold-out shows and tell me that my wife's been killed 20 minutes ago. And if I can find the spot in this woman's vagina with my dick, then I can time travel back to go save my wife. So you're the hero, too. You get to fuck this girl, but you're saving your wife? And what was Tom's? Do you know Tom's?

Tom's was, you know, Tom got one of my other favorite porn stars, Christy Mack. I don't even know if she's a porn star. Oh, yeah, she's not in the game anymore. She's I don't even know if she's a porn star. Oh, yeah. She's not in the game anymore. She's not in the game, but she rocks OnlyFans. You better get on it fast because she's about to be off it. I'm on her OnlyFans.

Yeah. Bro, I one time, sorry to interrupt, but there was one time she was in Boston, and she tweeted, I'll suck your dick if you bring me a bunch of Legos. I built Legos drove to the bar where she had an event that night and handed them to her and I was so fucking scared. I was like she might actually suck my dick.

What the fuck am I going to do? He was terrified she was going to follow through on her promise. He was like what if she actually sucks my dick? He made her like a race car. I went to the Lego store in Boston, Faneuil Hall, and I tried to get a pirate ship for her back, the back tattoo. And they didn't have any pirate ships.

I was like, fuck it. She loves her dogs. It's like a dog in a race car. She had cars on her Instagram a lot at that time. And I showed up. This guy did his research, bro. He knows the tattoos. I didn't need to do research. I just knew that time. This guy did his research, bro. I didn't need to do research.

I just knew that shit. But Tom had her in his? Tom had her in his porn. So I cast mine with Miss Pat, Nikki Glaser, fucking Jason Biggs, and my wife was in it.

And Tom had her. And he knows she's one of my favorite porn stars. And so the payoff was to watch me, hear her eat his ass. I feel like, do you think you could watch porn with Tom in it and get off? No, I could not get off what if it's like like i've always said i'll watch literally anybody fuck if a sex tape of anyone comes

out i'll watch it the difference is whether you you know, into it and getting off on it. And that's where you draw the line. I think I could get off on your porn. I was just going to say I think I could get off on yours, too. It depends on what's going on. But I think I could get the job done. Get the job done. Bro, I could get off to this fucking interview right now.

I could fucking get going. I also got to applaud you when you did your King and the Sting appearance. You know, like I said earlier, we do our show with crazy hypotheticals and weird scenarios, and I feel like we always think of every angle. You thinking that you were going to befriend the chimpanzee and trick him and then stab him in front of all of America is some weird, dark shit, Bert Kreischer. That was fucking wacky. And you had the audience, oh, no, he's going to – no, he's your friend. Don't do it. Don't do it.

And then the second one, the next month, I just come in and they're like, fuck, we know how this is going to happen. And I got a bunch of bananas. It's incredible, man. I got to tell you, I love your one-minute mans. Thank you, bro. That's how I get my information. What's so crazy is I don't have the balls you have because you take stances. You go, here get my information. That's – What's so crazy is, like, I don't have the balls you have because you get – you take stances. Like, you go, ah, here's my angle, and I am not that guy.

Like, that Simone Viles thing, I did not – like, I had five different angles before I came to, like – and then finally I was like, fuck it, I don't give a shit. No, I mean, I definitely take the heat. I've been doing that my whole career, so I'm kind of bulletproof to that. But, like, Simone was a good example where in the beginning of the week I was, like, defending her, and then she kind of came back, and I was like, well, now I feel like a fucking asshole, Simone. You really screwed me on this one.

But, yeah, I'll throw it out there. Like, her aunt died, and then I was like, I made a – we're doing Go Big Show in Macon, Georgia right now, and I did a – I made a Simone Bile's joke, and I said something about Mary Lou Retton, and everyone groaned. And I was like, oh, never mind. And I was like, thank God I didn't try that on the internet. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'll let it fly sometimes and catch some heat,

but I can't decide whether it's a good thing. It's a good thing for me, but is it a good thing for society that a lot of people tell me I'm getting my news from you, and I'm like, well, fuck. I mean, I don't even do a lot of research, man. I don't even know if this is right or wrong. That's fucking funny, but I'll see that, and then that's my insight for the day.

And then I'll end up parroting something you said in a conversation with someone and be like, oh, yeah. Like, what was the one? What was the one you posted this week? The one the most recent one. Oh, this one I did. What did I do recently? It goes right in and out one year. I did the only fans thing.

I did. Let's see the Spider-Man thing. I did Drake and Kanye. I did Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man thing. I did Drake and Kanye. I did. I saw Spider-Man, but I didn't know what, I didn't, like, I'm not into the Marvel universe very much. So I started the Spider-Man one, and then, you know, where it stops, and then I was like, I don't fucking care about it. My only, when he died in, spoiler alert, when he died in the one with all the guys in it, I saw it with my daughters.

And when he was like... Says to Robert Downey Jr., like, Hey, hey, man. Oh, brutal. I started bawling. I know, man. That was tough. I was like, are you fucking crying?

Bro. You guys hate toxic masculinity. This is the opposite of it I have heard people say They're not into Marvel and all that I don't think I've ever seen someone so disconnected That they don't know the Avengers You said the one with all of them

The one with all of them You really don't give a shit Is the Eternals, is that part of Marvel? Yeah, that's Marvel, that's coming out too That looked pretty cool My daughters are into Marvel, and I go to them, but I don't I don't

I had a joke about it on my last special, but like I'm not I don't, I'm not enough You know what, one I did do this week Was on the Milk Crate Challenge Which I think If Bert the Machine Chrysler does the milk crate challenge, you are breaking the fucking internet.

You're breaking your back, but you're also breaking the internet, man. No, I bet he'd fucking do it with Mickey Mantle. He can do it. You probably could. If you and a Speedo, like with the fucking Tito's and soda in your hand, I bet you're running up and down that thing no problem. I would be hard to pull away from that thing like if i was around a milk crate challenge i have that brain where i go i bet i could do this i remember one

time we were in uh high school and some and it was like wet out where we were drinking and i was like i'm pretty sure i could ski behind this truck so we put a ski rope on the truck and i skied in top siders behind a truck and I remember I mean like this doesn't even sound real but I remembered doing a barefooting backspin back up to my feet on grass and everyone's like what the

fuck I mean dude I have is that a real story or one of your bird crusher stories that you created in your head we were at the end of the island dude end of the island. Dude, end of the island. I have a weird thing about stuff like that where I go, I gotta try it. I gotta try it.

I think it's a weird thing where I don't know. It feels like mind over matter to me on the milk crate challenge in some of them, but when the people start wobbling and you know they're fucked, it is just gold every time. Did you see the one where the dude kicked it out from yes that guy should go to jail man that's fucking dangerous that's assault yeah yeah how did they not kick it out from the cop when the cop tried i know they should have taken him the the

the best part too is not even just the the doing it. The commentary of the guys filming, it's 10 out of 10. Black Twitter is undefeated. They are so fucking funny. It's lonely at the top, man. It's lonely at the top up there when they're wobbling. Oh, it's great. And the ones where they're singing, I believe I can fly. It's amazing.

Man, I'm telling you, when I saw the first one, I was like, this is going fucking viral. Yeah, yeah. And I went over, I was with T-Pain. I was like, have you seen the movie one I was like this is going fucking viral and I went over I was with T-Pain I was like have you seen the movie he was like yes I have yo you ever think too like when I watch those videos and I'm laughing you ever think about just how many funny fucking people are out there that aren't professional you know they're not comics

they're not podcasters but you know they're UPS delivery man or some shit but they're probably the funniest fucking're not podcasters. But, you know, they're UPS delivery man or some shit. But they're probably the funniest fucking person you've ever met. And I see these guys on the internet. I'm like, there are so many people out there who are so much funnier than some of you in the pros that do it. It's incredible. And it's interesting because they're not people that pick up podcasting.

Like, it's so often that people that pick up podcasting that goes, yeah, I got a podcast. You listen to it. And it's so painful. Where you're like podcasting that goes yeah i got a podcast you listen to it and it's so painful when you're like where you're like i think you just want to broadcast like i don't think comedy is your thing the funniest fucking people i mean the dudes i went to high school with are still the funniest human beings alive where you're like where they just find no humor what i do and they're like yeah okay i, okay. I mean, I've heard jokes, I've heard jokes, and I remember the hardest I've ever laughed, this guy, I won't say his last name, but this guy Jason, who was just jacked,

jacked, and he came in, he came into lunch, and he was like, and just ripped all over, and he had small legs, and someone goes, some, Ty Rodriguez goes, hey man, how come your your legs aren't as big as your top and he goes i don't know man i don't know i don't know and some and

chili willy this guy chili willy goes maybe you should start putting the needle in your ass i i've always said that My friends I think I think if you're a funny person Chances are your crew of friends are funny And I was just kind of the one That started to put it on the internet And started to say it into a microphone

But a lot of my lingo and jokes And personality is all like an amalgam Of all those guys That's the exact word I was going to use It's an amalgam of the crew I'm the one who happens to work in media I'm just aam of all those guys. That's the exact word I was going to use. It's an amalgam of the crew. I'm the one who happens to work in media. I'm just a combination of all my friends. Yeah, I'm like, you guys should be getting a cut of this.

You're not going to, but you should. My buddy Eddie Fernandez is the single funniest individual that anyone's ever been around. Everyone knows it. But the thing about Eddie was you could do something to Eddie, and then Eddie would take it to the 10th degree and make it. We used to do this thing. Me and Eddie would do this thing to each other

that we would pretend to roofie each other's drinks. We would just, just, it was, I don't know. It was like, like we'd go, hey, yeah, can we get some waters? And they'd put them down, and he'd go, thanks. And I would look away, and he'd pretend to roofie my drink, and the waitress would go, he just put something in your drink. And I remember one night Eddie did it to Anthony Clark. And I go, we only did it to each other.

Right. And we're talking and Eddie looks at me, winks, and he pretends to roofie Anthony Clark. Anthony Clark was the comic from Boston Common. Uh-huh. He pretends to roofie his drink. And it's just for me and him. And I'm like, oh, oh. And then I pretend to Rufia Anthony Clark's drink.

And we're just Rufia Anthony Clark, distracting him, pretending to Rufia him until someone goes, they're Rufia Anthony Clark. They're Rufia Anthony Clark. And does he do anything? We told him the joke, and he loved it. And he started roofing people. I took Segura to the inside jokes I had with this guy, Eddie Fernandez. It was all inside jokes. Any time any chairs were set up in any assemblance ever, our joke was to walk through the center of them, yell for this guy and go, hey, Bobby, and knock as many chairs down as we could, right? I championship game that jamis winston played in and eddie was there

eddie and my buddy miles and they're the funniest fucking humans and sagura and i ate edibles and watched them we're like dude these guys are fuck they're like and and by the way you know the parts where we bite our tongue and don't say the unsavory thing they don't do that at all they're like, hey man you can't cancel me I sell medical devices so let me ask you this because I think you're on a little bit of a tight schedule here today you mentioned how things are going

so well for you and Tom and they really are, I feel like you guys are in such a prime position right now. What is your personal or Two Bears goal? What do you think? Because I think the sky is the fucking limit for you guys. If you want to write a movie, act in a movie, if you want to – I don't even know.

Is there something beyond what we're already used to? Because I feel like it's an open like blank canvas for you guys um i think you know it's funny you say that because we're actually having that conversation now like what what do we want to do does it feel like that does it feel like you can like yeah like like we're gonna this guy's limit i feel like it's interesting uh i never wanted to act i had no interest in acting at all ever at ever in my career when i was younger i thought i thought you'd become an actor but then i did it and i was like i don't really like this like it's just not it wasn't as fun as comedy was and it definitely wasn't as fun as podcasting was i mean podcasting there are times i get done doing a two bears one

caber i do any part my bur I do any podcast and I'll walk out and I'll be vibrating like god damn it that was fucking good that was really good and acting never gave that to me and then when I did the machine the first day we went in and we rewrote the first scene

we did it and I heard people laughing and I was like oh cool and by the end of the machine, not just acting, but making a movie was the funnest thing I've ever done in my life. Without a doubt. I enjoyed the process so much. Granted, I got to work with Legendary and it's kind of like a,

I know it's not sound right, but it's more of a mom and pop shop in that it's all there. That makes sense, yeah. So they're going to give you the money, they're going to make it. Yeah. And really quickly I was like, I'm doing this, tom i'm like i'm doing this again we're doing this yeah we're gonna make another movie do you think though like could you make them yeah the machine is about you and your story like you think you

could make movies about you know totally fictional shit or things that weren't related to you or will it be you know you and tom or i can only had a meeting where we were like yeah this is what we want to do is what we're thinking and then i go okay and then and then one person just says something and goes hey man you know i've always wondered is when this happens how's that work and then fucking i can see tom's eyes light up and my eyes light up and we start writing the scene in the meeting and everyone is doubled over laughing and we're like and immediately everyone's like all right we're doing this and you and that that funness of it and now tom and i are like you know we talked the other day about it and we're like

we got we got one thing we got another thing and and and he's and i i have ridiculous ideas that are sometimes absolutely horrible ideas. Like I have horrible ideas a lot. But every now and then, one comes out where Tom's like, actually, that's not a bad idea. Yeah, that's why I honestly believe I think you're the best in the podcast game because you're always – you're not just like having a conversation. You'll always be like, okay, okay, that's a good idea. Like give me your top five this or you're like, you always ask that next question. Would you rather or a hypothetical or, you know, you're an ideas guy that just like,

it's a numbers game. You spit out 10 of them in a podcast. One of them is going to be a movie. Let me tell you something. I walk, I'm an ideas guy. Like, and sometimes you get struck by ideas. And I often think my ideas come mishearing things. I walked up to – I'm doing a show with T-Pain, who is a Grammy Award-winning artist,

and Jennifer Nettles, who is a Grammy Award-winning artist. And I said, hey, I want to write a song. I want to write a country song. And they're like – and T-Pain's like, have you ever written a song? I was like, yeah, kind of. And he was like, no, I mean, do you know how hard it is to write a song? I said, nah, you just need a good title. I was of it i said a good hook a good hook and i go i'm gonna write it you make it and then jennifer will sing it and and jennifer's like what's the name of

this song and i go it's called mississippi licking and she goes i like that i said yeah he goes what's it about and then t-pain his eyes are wide open he goes it's about eating ass and i went i went well that we're getting a spanking and he goes oh yeah turn around and get your mississippi licking i'm gonna lick you i'm gonna lick you up and down and i go yeah and he goes oh my god and he stops and he goes this is a fucking song and he goes someone go get guitars and get a he stops and he goes, this is a fucking song. This is a fucking song. And he goes, someone go get guitars and get a keyboard. I'm making this song.

We're going to put out this song. Mississippi Lickin'. Burt, keep coming up with ideas. And then I'm like, I'm the best in town. I'm going to lick you up and down. And I just started singing. And then T-Pain goes, what other songs do you think about? And I go, that's it. That was it.

I got one. I got one, man. But you don't, though. You'll come up with another one. But in that moment, it's only Mississippi Lincoln. I pitched so many ideas to Tom about different things we could do. And so often, he's like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. And then all of a sudden, you pitch one. And he's like, that's it. And I think that's how – I love having ideas. I love having ideas. And that's why I like comedy. Yeah. And I think what's funny is like your bad ideas become material on the podcast and the good ideas become business.

So it's like all of it is worthwhile. I mean something is burning. We were walking through All Things Comedy when we were over at All Things Comedy. We were walking through there and Tom was like, over at All Things Comedy. We were walking through there, and Tom was like, do we see a kitchen in the production thing? And Tom goes, oh, you can do a cooking show here. And they're like, yeah. And Tom goes, you should do Something's Burning.

And I was like, what's that? And he goes, remember that show idea you had that you pitched to Food Network? And I go, yeah. And he goes, shoot it here. And I went, oh, yeah, let's do Something's Burning. And so sometimes you need just one grounded person. And that's why my wife sucks. She shoots you down, right?

I give her so many fucking good ideas. And I'll be like, what if I did this? What if I did this? It's like, eh, I don't see it. I don't see it. You know what my idea was? This is my idea. So I'm kicking off this tour, Birdie Boy Relapse World Tour.

Tickets are at birdbirdbird.com. And I said, and I'm rapping off this tour Birdie Boy Relapse World Tour tickets are at birdbirdbird.com and I said and I'm rapping and making and then I've got my show in Red Rock September 8th so it's roughly like a week a week and a half and I said I said fuck it

I'm going to buy an old car I'm going to buy like a 72 Cadillac convertible and I'm going to drive to my Red Rock show. And I'm going to put it on social media. I'm going to have my cameraman come down. We'll edit on the road, and we're going to stop at a bunch of the places

that I'm performing, like Montgomery, New Orleans, Texas. I'm in like four places, Abilene. I'm in all these places in Texas. And I go, and then we're just going to make our way around the country. I'm going to hit up Nashville, go find Boston for the boys. I'm going to, I'm going to do the 85 South guys in Atlanta. And I'm going to just drive across this country and get to that show at Red Rocks. And I go by the time. And in my head, I was like, I think I had like 200 tickets to sell at Red Rocks.

So I was like, I was like, I'll clean those up. They're already gone. But like, I was like, I'll clean those up. And then, and I was like, that's how I'll start the tour. My wife's like, this is the dumbest idea ever. And I go, yeah, I can't tell you my idea. So I called Tom and Tom goes, this is fucking great. This is a great idea. And you know what? If someone else pitched that idea to Leanne, she'd probably be down with it. But it's you. It's her husband. She's probably like,

fuck this. This is stupid. Let me tell you something. She hears, I like, I'll get obsessed with certain things like forks. I get obsessed with forks for a while. And I was like, man, but I go, this isn't, these aren't working. Like, this is stupid. Like, there's only four prongs. Why aren't they wider?

Why don't they have grippers? And she's like, just stop. Just stop. You're not going to reach the fork. And I go, but why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? I think I'd use a bird crusher fork.

We need bottles of water. We need canned goods. This is before the pandemic. I go, I'm buying all this feed from Butcher Box, podcast sponsor, right? I buy a ton of meat. I fill our freezer with meat, right? Rogan gives me some milk. She's like, I have no room to put Otter Pops for the girls.

And I was like, no, you need meat. The pandemic fucking hit and i swear to god she came in hat in hand she was like i make fun of you a lot but god damn it thank god i don't thank god we have your brain in this house yeah guns we have guns we have hatchets we have we were ready for the apocalypse. I love it, man. It's unbelievable.

All right. Well, we'll let you go. But, yeah, I mean, between the machine. I can sit here and talk to you guys. I know. That's the thing. They're telling me only 30 minutes. I'm like, Jesus, I could go for three hours and 30 minutes.

We can talk for longer than 30 minutes. Fuck that. All right. You tell me, man. We keep it moving. I'll go as long as you want to go. My next thing is at 10.30 LA time.

What time is it now? 1.30 our time? Yeah, let's keep it moving then. Okay, let's talk about great ideas. Let's talk about great ideas. Ready? Let's talk about great ideas. I'm so glad this came up.

So about seven months ago, I don't know the exact dates. Someone can do the math. I'm on Two Bears, One Cave with Tom. And I said, we should start a sports management company. And he goes, I don't get it. And all of a sudden, I'm like, this is brilliant. We are marketers. We have a platform. We can find our athletes, get them a fan base,

sell them shirts, sell shirts for our athletes. He said, who do you want to sign? We signed a guy named the Handshake King. Cortez Lewis. I wanted a signature handshake. Me and Tom wanted a signature handshake. Now I want to just point out,

okay, this is before all these viral videos you see of guys doing their own handshake where they're, you know, doing dance things. And this is also before barstool became a sports management company. And I called my agents. I called my managers.

I called my lawyers. I called my business manager. I said to tom i said we're starting this sports management team we got cortez lewis a patriot uh uh what's the page where you uh cameo page and we said you know for 50 bucks if you want a handshake from the handshake king he'll make one for you and your boys he made great money we didn't charge him we didn't charge him anything so we were like we don, we don't need the money. And Tom's like,

this might really work. And then what happens with me is if not, I pitch to my agents, my agents like, yeah, this is a horrible idea. This isn't like, you're not going to be I don't know how you would do this. And all of a sudden fucking, this is beautiful about Dave Portnoy's

the way he's set up. He just fucking gets on. He's like, fuck it. We're starting a management company. And you guys took off. And by the way, no one, I know for a fact, no one heard me. That was like, that was you guys' own thing. That was Barstool's own thing.

I'm not saying that. No, no, yeah. But what was amazing is I texted, I sent the fucking article. Barstool starts sports management, changes the fucking sports management landscape. This is a brand-new territory. And I sent it to everyone. I was like, fuck you guys. I remember.

Seven months ago. Seven months ago, looking to find athletes. And then we got all the kids in high school wanting to fucking sign with us. We're like, yeah, man, we can't sign children. Give it a couple years. But that's why I asked what's next for you and Tom because you guys are in a similar position that Dave and Barstool's in where it's like if you have the money and the budget and the resources, which everybody does now, you can just do whatever. Like how about this for an idea? So they ended up undoing it today, but OnlyFans said they weren't going to allow sex anymore on their platform.

Oh, they undid it today? They undid it today. There was enough backlash that they were like, never mind. I think basically they said the banks wanted them to change and say no more sex, and they were like, look what the reaction was. So for now, at least, OnlyFans has changed their mind. You can still throw anus on it? I think you can still show asshole. Yeah, as long as you can still show asshole, you're good.

But the wheels are in motion that they want to get out of that world. I'm like, why don't we just start our own platform and have all the sex workers come over, and we'll just be the paywall to let the people have sex. And you don't have to do it. It's a little unsavory to be in the porn game. It's just a platform. We're just giving you

the app or the website and the sex workers are welcome to come here and do whatever. And we don't need to sell it for $10 billion. We'll just generate a billion dollars a year. We'll just be our own. All we need is a new name for OnlyFans, Bert, and then we're the new platform. Done done and from us to porn isn't really a leap it's a small step we're one rung one rung on the ladder above porn so why don't we just do it for real

you know we've been we've been dancing around this for a while now abella come we got abella asa abella adriana adriana will come no face girl oh my god if you just recruited the top porn stars that's what i'm saying we can we do we have connections with all of them and if they just came to our platform instead and they said hey porn stars come over here we won't even take that much of a percentage because it's more about the pr and building a big thing you get a better percentage here they let you do whatever you want. There's no restrictions, no blah, blah, blah. We'll make sure it's safe. If you ever need a dick, I'll do it for free.

We'll be the stunt dick. Then you tell Leanne that you're just promoting the new app platform with the strap-ons, and there you go. Bingo, bango, bongo. I'm telling you, I've tried so many times different things with porn with leanne where she like i said one time i was like hey i want to do a sex tape where we're gonna get

our faces face swapped but we're gonna have like hot people fucking and then i wanted to get i wanted to get out i'm not doing that i go it's not you leanne she goes yeah but it's my face but i go it's not really you like it's not you and i'm thinking by the way i can just say that to my fans and they're gonna face swap a porn anyway yeah it's gonna happen so just like we might as well do it yeah we might as well get in front of it yeah i mean it's funny because the thing about the thing about having bad idea about thing about having good ideas is you have 10 really, really bad ones. And what happens is so many people hear your bad ideas that they think all you have is bad ideas, right? And that, like, very candidly, I remember talking to a very, very – I got a number of famous comics when I decided to do Drive-In Movie Theaters.

And they were like, this is a horrible idea. This is a horrible idea. Fucking Tom Segura said this is a horrible idea. This is a horrible idea. Fucking Tom Segura said, this is so you. This is a great idea. My managers and agents are like, it doesn't exist. And they're like, I think we can find some EDM producers that can put it together, and let's see if we can do it. And then you do it, and then all of a sudden it becomes the norm.

And, you know, and you're like, and then now it's like now I just – you're seeing outdoor shows. Comics are very cool playing amphitheaters. Sebastian just played at this place called The Shell or something in San Diego that is maybe one of the prettiest places I've ever seen in my fucking life. And now it's very acceptable, and everyone – and there's a pivot so that if we go back into some fucking crazy lockdown in two months, every comic will be like, we'll just do stand-up shows at drive-ins. But you have so many bad ideas. But you know what's important about that too is that it's – Tom was right in saying that it's so you. Like certain comics, if they're like a big city act and they dress nice and they're – I don't know. Like Sebastian is not a drive-in guy.

You are a drive-in guy. It kind of fits with your people, and then you do it first, you blaze that trail, now everybody can follow, but making it, like, your thing first is so important, and, and yeah, like, the amount of people who say no in the, in this world is crazy, because we've seen that if you just dance on tiktok you can become famous or if you eat food on tiktok you become famous or if you like there's a niche there's a market for everything so say yes say yes to shit dude that is that's so funny because you know i think bar stool is kind of a safe haven this sounds it's gonna sound like an insult but it's a good thing it's a safe haven for bad ideas. So then all the bad ideas,

you find the good ones, and you guys, the good ones rise to the top. That's exactly what we do. It's like a safe place to come up with ideas and be creative. It's funny because I just, I wonder, the same way we talk about our friends that are funny, I wonder if

the people that we know that, how many people are geniuses out there, like inventors, but they've gotten shit on for their ideas, and it becomes so rote that whenever you come, like I came up with this idea with our friends. We have this group called The Campers, and we're like, I talk about them in my specials, but we're real close, four families.

And one December, I was home for the whole month of December, and I said, hey, let's do the the 12 nights of Christmas. And they're like, what's that? And I go, we're going to party for 12 nights and Christmas, like party 12 nights of Christmas. And we'll map it out. And those will be our nights. And it'll be a fucking blast. And they're like, they're like, this is the dumbest idea you've ever had. And I go, let's just see if we can do it. Tonight's the first night of Christmas. And so then all the moms started going like oh we should do one thing and learn about the jewish to do a dreidel thing we should do a cookie thing and we should do that and all of a sudden every fucking christmas we get a text in november are we doing 12 nights christmas are we doing 12 nights christmas and then we turned into the 12 nights of kama sutra

one month and you've never seen women want to fuck more because they're like – and I mean Leanne would come in the bedroom and go, hey, we got to bang this position out. We got sloppy last night. Now it's a challenge. Now it's a game. Let's go. Yeah. And my daughters, for whatever reason, the only connection – I mean I have a lot of connections with my daughters. But one of the things that I'm really proudest of is whenever they have new friends over, they would go, hey, dad, can you come in the backyard and make up a game? And I go, yeah, sure.

And I would come up with games. I would play – I would make up a game for them because my brain isn't very like grown up. So like I could come up with games very very easily and dude it is the funnest feeling like to see like and they don't do it now they're older but like a bunch of little kids come in they're all in their bathing suits and and they come into the kitchen and they're and the mom's like do you need something and all the kids are like hey burt can you come out and make up a game for us and then and and just to watch it but i remember one time i remember one time we went to drop the kids off and i saw a family house had like one of those big blow-up things.

I go, what do those cost? And Leanne goes, I don't know. I think they're expensive as shit. I go, that's no behavior. That's no behavior. Yeah, right, right. I bet it's not. I bet it's not.

And I look. To rent one is like $150, $200. And I go, all right. I'm going to get one, and I'm going to have it at the house, a water slide one. I'm going to have it for the house for when the girls come home. And she was like, well, why? And I go, because it's 200 fucking bucks. Because it's awesome.

It'll be the best date I've ever had in their life. Yes. Oh, my God. And I was like, and then I go, who put this here? And they're like, you don't know who put this here? I go, we should use it before they get it out of here, huh? I'm like, get your bathing suits on. I love it, man.

I like that phrase, no behavior. Yeah, we want yes behavior. None of that no behavior. Nowadays, it's all yes. I mean, and I think that's part of like, I don't know. That's what I love about, you know, that's what I love about when you talk about what are we and Tom doing Is that Tom's not a no guy He just isn't He's a calculated guy

He's not an idiot And he's not going to spew off horrific ideas to you No but he knows the one You spew off the 10 crazy ideas And the one that hits Tom's brain And he's like okay we have the budget and the resources And then this and then that And that's why it's the perfect combo

And that's all it takes man And we do listen we do the 12 days of kama sutra to kick off the first 12 days of our only fans app yeah i mean you get the whole world you know everybody fucking like the porn stars come on if if that like certain things like community thinking like if barstool said hey guys this november we want to raise awareness for sex we're gonna do the 12 nights of kama sutra and put it out there in the universe and then all the fans because there's so many women fans of barstool too they would be like we're fucking this month and you know how many people would be just happy it might change the fucking world yes like because you know what that does that gives the guy who hasn't gotten laid by his wife in six months a reason to say,

like, hey, can we fuck tonight? And it doesn't make it pathetic. You're not scheduling your sex night. It's just like, hey, there's this thing. Take a look. And then everybody's fucking and everybody's happy. And next thing you know, murder rates are down. I'm telling you, save the fucking world, Bert.

By the way, the smartest guy in the world right now is the guy with the milk crates. Oh, I mean, people are saying they're going to start selling Supreme crates and Christian Dior crates and all that. I mean, where the fuck did all these goddamn milk crates come from? Well, I'll tell you. I asked T-Pain about it. I said, it just seems to be like black people doing it and he goes he goes yeah he goes you have any milk crates at your house i said no he goes every black family's got a few milk crates and i said really and he was like oh yeah he was like milk

crates like we definitely had about 10 milk crates at our house and i was like i don't think i've ever seen a milk crate like i mean like maybe like maybe it like near a trash can and he was was like, no, no, no, no. Milk crates are valuable. Like, you don't get rid of milk crates. And I was like, oh, so this is like one of these things that just culturally. It's like, I remember one time I had a shitty joke about they don't make black baby powder, right? Like, how racist is that? When a white guy gets a rash, he puts it on and it disappears.

When a black guy gets a rash, he's got to ghost ride the whip. And I was like, they should make different shades of black baby powder. Like, you know, call it Magic Johnson and Johnson. And then I think it was Warren Sapp was like, they don't make it because we don't need it. And I was like, what? He's like, our problem isn't with moisture. Our problem is retaining it. Dryness.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. what he's like our problem isn't with moisture our problem is retaining dryness yeah yeah oh fuck and he's like yeah you you just every time i hug a white guy i feel like i'm hugging a dolphin and you're like oh like it's so much fun we're like ah yeah the cultural shit you know speaking speaking of uh we don't have one milk crate at our house. No, we have the very expensive, expensive, valuable crates where you can stack them. Like, you know, when you think about it, my wife goes to like Ikea

and buys crates that can collapse and put away nice. Nope, that's not it. She paid, is worth $50 million. He's like, I got 10 milk crates at my house. I actually did a one minute man that I didn't release because the joke running through the internet was that milk crates are the new crack, that the government is seeding these places in the hood with milk crates.

And there was the joke that it was crack and that there was the joke that it's so that they get hurt, go to the hospital and get the vaccine as well. And so I did this video where I had a tinfoil hat on and I did my conspiracy theory. And then we sent it over to the powers that be. And they were like, yeah, we can't we can't publish this. And I was like, yeah, I probably didn't think that one through, but it's fucking funny. I hate these anti-vaxxers right now because they've gotten in my head. Now they're talking about the Johnson & Johnson booster. I'm like, I don't know, man.

I rolled the dice once. I turned out okay. I don't know if I need this booster. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Will you guys stop talking? I don't need your ideas. That's the last thing you want. That's no behavior, man.

That's no behavior from you. Yeah, yeah, that's dope. Let me tell you something. I've been in direct contact with a bunch of people that have coronavirus, and I did the Borgata. Like, did the Borgata, like, 10,000 people, and partied every fucking night. Bro, I don't know if we should put that out.

Bro, I was just at fucking SummerSlam. Yeah. I was at Summer fucking SummerSlam. Yeah. I was at SummerSlam with 70. That's a fucking super spreader. Yeah, man. 70,000 people in Vegas. Las Vegas, wrestling fans all in one spot. Holy shit.

That's the super spreader of super spreaders. Fuck. I was at Walmart in Macon, Georgia. That's a super spreader. That's our Wuhan. Yeah. What is the, are you at the point,

like, are you doing arenas? You said you did 10,000 people in Vegas. Are you, will you do like, are you at a point where you can do like Madison Square Garden if you come to New York? No. Madison Square Garden is like 20,000 people.

I am doing Madison Square Garden, but I'm doing the theater. Yeah, but I mean, is that, is it that, I mean, I guess, you know, I wouldn't know, but like, if you told me you were doing Madison Square Garden, but I'm doing the theater. Yeah, but I mean, is it that – I mean, I guess I wouldn't know. But if you told me you were doing the Garden Garden, I don't think that that's that crazy, is it?

No, Red Rock – I can do 10,000, I think. And I think that's like you do – like Red Rocks is 10,000. Yeah, those are big. You don't think if it was like two bears, one Cave, you and Tom double bill one night in New York? It's interesting. Oddly enough, we don't double our tickets when we do it together. Well, I guess that makes sense because it's a lot of overlap, right? It's a lot of overlap.

And we do, oddly enough, have separate fan bases. There is an overlap of two Barrett 1 Caves fans, but Tom's actual fan base is I would say bigger than mine. Tom's doing arenas right now. He's doing a couple arenas. I'm doing a couple. I'm doing in Cleveland, I'm doing an arena. Red Rocks is, I guess, 10,000

which is considered. We did 10,000 in 10,000 is like the threshold, I think, roughly. It's a monster number, man. That is so fucking crazy. 10,000 in – 10,000 is like the threshold, I think, roughly. It's a monster number, man. That is so fucking crazy. 10,000? It's hard to wrap your head around because you start thinking of the days when you were like selling. I remember my threshold.

My thing was if I can move 1,500 tickets in a weekend. Yeah. I was like – Multiple shows and you're happy. First of all, you're a millionaire. If you can move 1,500 tickets in a weekend, you're a millionaire. You can move 1,500 tickets in a weekend. You're a millionaire. You can be a millionaire.

You go to work every weekend and you got to have $30 tickets and you got to have a good deal. But you can be a millionaire. And then to think Netflix was the fucking game changer. You do one Netflix special. All of a sudden you're doing theaters and then you're like, whoa. And then you do a second Netflix special or a series like The Cabin, and then you're like, holy shit. And it's hard to wrap your head around it because it can – but I also – this is going to sound weird, but I also enjoy marketing. So I enjoy –

You're the best. I remember doing – I remember adding – for Hey Big Boy, I added two more shows. I wanted to record two more shows. And they're like, you've already sold like 5,000 tickets. You're going to have to sell like another 3,000 tickets to do that. And I was like, I can do that. And in my head I was like, I can do that because it isn't – the fans are there. You just need to let them know that you're there.

Every comic complains that people text them, when are you coming to Boston? He's like, I was just in Boston. Well, then that's your fault. Yeah, you didn't do a good enough job. Right. And don't blame your fan for not signing up for your fucking stupid mailing list. Just fucking do the work. Always have your dates

on your head whenever a video happens, whenever you got a moment where it's a beautiful sunset or a cool thing. You don't need to put production value like I do. I put production value into it because I want it to stand out a little bit. I'll hire a marching band. I'll hire some dancers. I'll learn how to dance.

Just when you see a beautiful spot, grab your phone, just say it and be cool with saying it a lot because I'll tell you right now, if Chappelle and Rogan, as a show I'd like to see, if Chappelle and Rogan were coming to Macon, Georgia, I would hope that they would post it 10 times in the event that I would see it once.

Because I'm not on my phone all the time, and I may not see it, and it's something I want to see. Wilco. Wilco's a perfect example. I actually am mad at Wilco and Jeff Tweedy because they don't promote enough. And they don't need to because their shows sell out. But I say to them, not that they shouldn't do bigger venues, but like, hey, man, how about the Hollywood bowl instead of the greek how about the hollywood

bowl and how about a little bit of promotion so that i know that i'm not gonna miss it because i really want to see you so then i remember flipping that and going okay i bet there's someone hopefully that likes me as much as i like wilco and if they do and they're a regular person not like like my fans are regular people where they're like, they're not on social media all day long. A lot of them don't have fucking Instagram. Don't, they don't, they're on Twitter. They're just regular people.

Well, you need to get word of mouth out so that at work, someone's like, who is on Twitter is like, hey, you're a fan of Burt, right? You just, and because the people, they want to see you perform. They do. I know I want to see my favorite acts.

You just got to get the word out. And so. And the way when you add the production value to it, They want to see you perform. They do. I know I want to see my favorite acts. You just got to get the word out. And so – And the way – when you add the production value to it, it's like, yeah, if your Instagram feed is just constantly promo, it's annoying. But if it's a marching band or you're fucking jumping in the pool or whatever you're doing, now I want to watch that promotion even though I know it already. You've made it a piece of content. That's a hard thing to get to do, though. To get through that, to break through that.

I'm still not very good at that. We just announced a live show at Caroline's with not quite MSG. Not 10,000 people, but you know. I think I've tweeted it once and posted it once, and I have to keep doing it more, but I'm annoying people, and that's important to hear hear that way this is the other thing about videos and i

think that a lot of people get in their ways start the camera rolling like right when you're done start the camera rolling give your camera to someone and start doing a promo and you'll do one and then you go hold on hold on hold on we should uh what if okay what if we did this and once you start the camera rolling you'll come up with an idea i know that is the number so for instance rosario dawson was telling me secrets about star wars right about her new thing which is i think a lot of people want to hear about and uh and she was like talking about things i can't say any of it because it's but she was talking about it and and i thought i just thought to myself how great would it be if i just recorded all of this and then it was like hey guys red rock september 8th yeah yeah so then i just go i go i go hey

rosario can uh can we do something can you start to tell me what you were just saying and then i'm gonna cut you off and then i'm gonna swing the camera around and go hey guys pretty boy world tour kicks off red rocks and she goes yeah i'll do do that. And then she looks at me and she's like, are you always thinking of this shit? I was like, yeah. The wheels always spinning. Yeah, and so she starts to do it, and I swing the camera around. And so many Star Wars fans that are friends of mine hit me up. They're like, you're such an asshole.

I know that she told you the real thing. Tell me what the real thing is. How about do you watch yourself back listen to your podcast watch your your own specials and then like or do you are you one of those people like like i don't ever like to listen to my own shit i try to force myself to to get better but i really like hate to see my own videos or watch my own shit back so then i have trouble putting out a promo clip or a video because i'm like i don't think that was that funny. That wasn't that good. But it probably was.

And I'm probably just being my own worst critic. No, no. I love watching promos. I can. But every time I've ever done a promo, the first take I do is always the best one. Every time. When it's natural. The dancing video, we did that once. And it was just the first take. Really? And's natural we do that dancing video we did that once and it

was just the first take really and we did some other dancing stuff but that first take was the one we used and then uh with the marching band the one we used was the first take it just is always the best and um but i enjoy watching them and i enjoy like i enjoy kind of like putting a little bit of a thumbprint on them like right now my new thing is if you can give something short and powerful and then a video clip, then that can overtake the one-minute promo that I'm used to doing. And then they go in stories, and then they're a little shorter and quicker. And so that's what I'm trying to do, more of those. Because a picture, I kind of swipe by. I don't even read them.

I go into the stories, and that stories is what sells tickets. Stories, people swipe up. I swipe up. That's how I get my tickets. I bought fucking clothes off of stories. Oh, I get got all the time on Instagram. Yep, yep. Dude, it's so easy.

And so I try to think of a 15-second way to do something and then scrolling dates so that people get tickets. But, dude, I'm telling you, if you guys did a live show in la and and i didn't know about it i'd be upset at you as a fan right and and it's it's upon you to take responsibility to let your fans know you're going to be there because they i want to be there they want to be there i mean that anyone anyone listening to this goes, I'm certain. There's not one person listening to this that goes, Bert's wrong. Because as a fan of shit, I know I want to – I'm grateful when SoFi hits me up and they're like,

hey, we have opportunities for season tickets that have changed now. Would you be interested in hearing that? I go, fuck yeah. I love it. Right, let me know. Let me hear it, yeah. When the Dodgers hit you up and go, hey, we have these, you're a fan of these seats. They're open.

I want to do shit. Honestly, I think that's, I don't know if people, like, think that about you because, you know, you're a fun time. You take your shirt off. You're the machine. You're a booze bag, all that. But you're, I mean, you're probably on top of the business side of things, maybe even better than you are on the creative side side which is saying a ton because you're fucking brilliant with the creative side of it i i get into so like when we did the machine movie um when we started to do the thing they wanted to do a regular press announce and i said can i can i do it and they're like what do you mean and i was like i would like

to be in charge of it and i was like i don't mean any disrespect to anyone but i think i'm pretty good at reaching my fans and i think i'm pretty good at like coming up with ideas can i just do it and they were like yeah and they're like we'll give you a shot but we're gonna set up like a traditional press release and i was like okay can we just do a video when we get to the airport we're flying private and i said not often do we get do people get to fly private i go i'm flying private with mark hamill what i'll do is I'll do a fucking thing, I'm getting ready to shoot the movie, I want to announce who's playing my dad.

And they're like, how would you do that? And I go, Mark's going to... I go, oh my God, it's my guy playing my dad. And I go, hey, Mark Hamill. And then he's just going to go get on the fucking plane and walk past me. And they're like, yeah, we can do it. We did one take.

We did one take. We gave it to him. And then they hit me up and they're like, okay, so what other ideas do you have? Yeah, now we're cooking it worked well because because it put on the internet every star wars fans like holy shit i'm seeing mark hamill in a comedy are you fucking kidding me i've been waiting my life for this and then everyone's like and mark hamill's funny in that fucking promo video and it's like it's like everything's set up nicely and then i'm the one i've pitched and they are not cool with is like no trailer i was like i

don't want a trailer for the machine wow wouldn't that be cocky well it's no it's not cocky here's the here's my pitch ready this is my pitch the greatest movies ever seen you knew nothing about right in from your childhood i remember seeing footloose i'm in the i'm getting chill bumps i'm in the car with eric knuckle and he says uh i said so what's this movie about he goes dancing and i go what and he was like dance we're like fifth grade he goes dancing these kids can't dance they go out of town so they can dance and i was like i maybe should have told you more about me uh yeah and i walked out of footloose like a Footloose Karate Kid I didn't see the trailer for Karate Kid

I walked into Karate Kid, watched Karate Kid and I was crying when he goes into the fucking crows pose or whatever I am crying, crying I walked out and I was like I'm fucking taking Karate Kid I said listen, in my opinion I think

I'm not talking about this movie. I don't say anything about it. But I do think it's a movie that will surprise people. I don't think it's what they expect, and I think in the best way possible. But I don't want anyone to know. Yeah, but wait. Doesn't this fly in the face of everything you just said about reaching everybody you possibly can and letting them know? Oh, I'll do promos for it.

But just not a trailer. Okay, okay. I don't want a trailer. I don't even want to see the product. Got it. Okay. I want people to go in and go, I don't know what I'm about to watch. That's pretty fucking – and then you know what?

Then people are going to write articles and shit about like Bert Kreischer is doing no trailers for this. That's almost – the trailer is that there's no trailer. That's pretty cool. I sat with Legendary and I was like, I don't want to do a trailer. And they're like, alright, that's definitely not going to happen. We're definitely doing a trailer. I was going to say, are you going to lose that battle? They're like, oh, I'm definitely going to lose that battle.

But I said, I'm planting the seed. I know you're saying no right now, but I'm planting the seed for alternative ways to do a trailer. I want to think of an alternative way to do the trailer. And Peter Atencio alternative way yeah and peter attenzio is my director and he goes oh i know i i like this i like this and he's like i i'll tell you what i'll tell you what let's let's see if we can play with this because i go because you give it to a creative person or a person that sees yeses and he's like what if we do a trailer no picture it's

just all audio and i'm like sure yeah sure now we're cooking yeah yeah like and he goes what if we did what if we did oh what if we just did this so people thought it was this came and and then you go that's what i love when you hang out with brilliant people and dude every the fucking kale mary herb to every and to every peter everyone legendary is like one of those people that thinks out of the fucking box and you go and i was like yeah and then we'll end up having a fucking trailer and then you'll see the trailer and you'll be like you're like oh that's good i'm gonna go see it and it's gotta support bert but i want it to be i want it i want you to come

out of the movie and go oh i gotta call bert like right right yeah i mean my number's been docked so anyone can get that listen i'm sure'm sure it will be that way because you've amassed this fan base. That's fucking incredible. So we'll let you get to it. But you've got the machine coming. Is there a date for that? Do we even know yet or no? No.

So the machine coming later. We got it right now. I go back and look at it. I just got calls last night about, hey, can we talk for a sec? And I was like, ugh. Oh, fuck. So I go back and look at the edit on when I come home. Alright, so we got The Machine later, we got

Go Big Show, the Birdie Boy Relapse Tour is back on, Two Bears, One Cave, I mean, you're the hardest working man out there. Literally everything. Yeah, you are everywhere, brother, so congrats. And I'm still an alcoholic. I'm still drinking. Look at the wine

sitting in my pocket. Oh, I saw it. I'm still drinking alcohol. Look at the wine sitting in my fucking mouth. I saw it. All right, brother. Thanks for the time, man. I love you guys. Thank you very much. I love you, too. All right, big shout out to Bert.

Great dick on that guy. Great dick. Great hog on him. And I really think if we partner up With the two bears guys and start a sex platform I think we'll take over the god damn world So let's just Everyone keep that in their back pocket

We're gonna start up a sex platform And really at the end of the day Like true dead ass Yes or no is it cheating to fuck a girl with a strap on I Do you kiss No let's say it's a girl with a strap-on? I... Do you kiss? No. Let's say it's just penetration with a strap-on.

My opinion is going to be different than what others have. But it's no. It's so absolutely cheating. Imagine if it was just like, yeah, honey, I just blasted her with a dildo. I just fucked her with a vibrator. It's not cheating. Yeah, I mean, if you can smell pussy, it's probably cheating. Oh, that's a fucking line and a half.

If you can smell pussy, it's cheating. I hope you girls are using your summer's eve. You walk in the room with the wrong girl and all of a sudden you're just cheating. All right, let's talk to Chef Donnie about Ruffin Rowdy with apparently the hottest guy in the whole fucking world. Yeah, all right, we got Chef Donnie in here. He is about to fight in Ruffin Rowdy versus this dude QCP who, according to the gay community at Barstool Sports, is super fucking hot. So I say we just have a suck your dick match. Losers got to suck Pat's dick.

How does it make you feel that we got coworkers here? Donnie did not look into that. The first thing Pat says to me is like, oh my god, he's beautiful. Yeah, I'm like, whose side are you on? Yeah, it feels like the whose side are you on? Yeah. It feels like the co-workers are on this sexy boy toy. Yeah. Well, what are you going to do?

I mean, they can say that they're on your side. If you're talking all about how hot this fucking guy is, you want him to win. You want QCP to win. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Damn. Damn.

That's all right. No. I'm not saying you don't like Donnie. I'm saying you like QCP better. More motivation. That's why. Same as I agree with Tom Brady. He's fucking gorgeous, man. I want pretty people to thrive.

Well, I mean, Chef Donnie's no fucking slouch himself. No, I know. So this is like a pretty boy showdown right here. It's a hot guy match, yeah. Yeah. I don't know about that, but it'll be something. No, Chef Donnie has this thing going for him where he's young and good looking, but he's also a wild dude. You know what I mean?

Are you single? I am, yeah. Yeah, I mean when you're doing die trying type shit, girls have got to like that, right? I don't – I mean I assume. Like how quickly when you're hitting on a chick at a bar or I guess it doesn't even happen anymore. If you're talking to them on dating apps or whatever, are you saying like I jump out of planes? I try not to bring it up. Really?

I feel like I worked that in like in five years. I'd be like I want a fucking demolition derby race. I jump out of planes. I climb buildings. Well, if they ask what I do and then it gets into like the diatribe or the shows, it will come out. But if they see – if they go on Instagram and then you see like knife toss will be on there or the skydiving stuff that comes out like people see bro i i think honestly and this is saying a lot in this room i think you want to die the most yeah yeah i think out of everyone yeah no you are the one who you you got a death the knife

throw was the craziest thing you did. I actually – Knife toss. I don't think knife toss is that crazy. Like I'm surprised that you're – like I could see your friends doing that. If you guys were like whipping it at each other, that would be one thing. Yeah, no. But like I think we could do a little knife toss around here. But you like – I've seen one where like it was like you were inside and it was like off a balcony.

Oh, through the window. It gets to a level where like if we're too drunk where it just gets out, it does get out of hand. Yeah, maybe not when you're drinking. Well, that's the only time it happens. Dude, life's all sober, dude. What's the barstool rep in general these days when you're single? People know what it is.

Yeah, it's good. Is it good or is it like you're a douche sort of thing? No, I think it's... We have Barstool so we have such a big umbrella now that people are like, oh, no way. You know BFFs and they know the subcategories. That doesn't surprise me. Usually it plays

well, but I wondered if we almost reach a point where like all of Jackie's friends think that we're incredible douchebags. I'm like, I get it. I get it. There's some of that. I get it. But then it's the people that would judge you right away and they don't give a fuck. Right, her friends are bitches.

That's not what I meant, Jackie. The Brown Halls. Is that your friend group? Yeah. Yeah. I thought it could have been your family or something. So QCP, is there beef or you just wanted to fight or like what happened? I wanted to – so I've always wanted to be in Ruff and Rowdy since I was Donnie's intern in China.

We had talked about doing like an amateur fight in China and doing – I did that thing in Thailand where I fought for free booze. So I've always kind of liked the idea of fighting in rough and rowdy, and I told Devlin this. And then this TikToker came up. They were like, who would you fight? And I said, honestly, this kid pisses me off every time I see him on TikTok. Oh, so you did pick him. Well, he has his shirt off, so I said I would fight this kid. I've never met him.

We've never had any personal interaction. No, but it wasn't – It makes it easier. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like I'll just fight whoever and they match you up. You said I want to beat this guy up. Yeah, I would theoretically fight whoever just because the rush I've heard from fighting is second to none. You can't recreate it.

And then it just helps that it's someone that I genuinely were like this kid fucking – this would be more fun to fight someone that you don't actually respect. Look, you hit it for the peanut guy like – I don't i mean it's like tough to respect someone that the whole it's that whole influencer wave of i have my shirt off like look i'll pull my life it's it's all fake yeah like the fake muscles and was he uh like you just called him out and he was like all right i'm down to fight yeah i call him out and then behind the scenes i think people told him let him know and then he's like yeah fuck it i'll fight him out, and then behind the scenes, I think people told him, let him know. And then he's like, yeah, fuck it. I'll fight. All right. And then just went from there.

Does he have any sort of background that makes you nervous at all? I mean, if I found out, if I was him and I agreed to fight Donnie and then I saw Donnie's Instagram, I'd be like, oh. This guy, I'll have to fight a fearless man? Yeah. Fuck this. Like, oh, okay. The guy who is an adrenaline junkie who fears nothing? Great. Right.

He has just the strength, but you see just the muscles. It's kind of like popcorn muscles, though, right? In a fight, that slows you down more. It wears you out faster. I mean, if there's one place that muscles, it do not matter. It's rough and rowdy. I think we've seen that. You've got to be strong, but having abs and biceps, I don't think makes shit.

No, it's about who can take a punch and keep going and keep beating it. I said earlier. The endurance seems to be a big thing too. A lot of people get gassed. I think you'll have decent cardio. I think people get gassed because of the adrenaline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think if you are like, I've jumped out of fucking this. I've dealt fire here, knives there.

As long as your adrenaline is lower, I think you actually stay calmer. I think that bodes well, yeah. I think that helps. I remember when early on when the fight was announced, I think it was Donnie Does who tweeted a screenshot of a text conversation. Maybe it was Billy Football asking about your training

and you said you're not training. Is that true? That was Billy Football texting Donnie thinking he was texting me. Oh! Donnie's like, I'm not training. Donnie was on the beach with PFT in Jersey. Donnie was like, I'm not training. What are you talking about? Donnie was on the beach, I think, with PFT in Jersey. And Donnie was like, I'm just going to see how much we can fuck with Billy. And Billy believed it to a point.

He's like, dude, you got to at least come to the office and I'll spar with you so you can learn how to dodge punches. And Donnie's like, dodge punches? I don't fuck. Who needs to do that? And Billy believed the whole thing. And the day I came into the office the next day, he's like, dude, I'm serious, man. I don't want to. You've got to. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for you. I don't want the light. And I'm like, what are you talking? I I came into the office the next day. He's like, dude, I'm serious, man. I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for you. I don't want the light. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I just came from the gym. How are you training? I was training hard. So initially when people asked, I said, Billy's my trainer. That was a lie just so QCP didn't see how hard I was actually going.

I've been doing twice a day since I found out about the fight, sparring three to five times a week, like getting beat up black eyes, bloody nose, really going all out, and with professional fighters too. So the camp I've been doing has been what I can consider the most I could have done in a month. And what do they think about your offensive game? They're impressed by, realistically, only having a month in a week or two to train. they were very impressed by what i could like pick up so yeah i feel like that's short i feel like most people who like do rough and rowdy months right like six months yeah three months i

would have liked realistically more time and i think he had a little bit more leeway but whatever that doesn't you know it doesn't matter now i'm not even just saying it because uh because he's a co-worker but i feel like i would bet on Donnie on this one. I would bet on Donnie. I appreciate that. Out of all the, you know, Hank, Pat, Smitty. I mean, I feel like. Yeah, I didn't know Marty at the time, so I didn't know what to think of him.

I was not rooting for Marty at the time. Right. And I still like him. That would always be a coin flip for me. I like both those guys. But knowing you, I feel like you're the most well equipped mentally. I mean, you're young and in shape, so probably physically. But mentally

I feel like all those other guys, I was like, I don't know if they're crazy enough. Donnie's crazy. Let me just condense everything I just said. Donnie's crazy. And so I think you need a little bit of crazy in Rough and Rowdy. So I would be putting the money down on you. Thank you.

And what's the prize these days? The prize? I think it's still 10 to win. So we're fighting for money. It's not bad. It's not for nothing. 10K is pretty fucking nice. Buy a lot of knives with $10,000.

That's true. You can. What's your first purchase? It's not as bad as you'd think, though, right? Knives are pretty fucking nice. Cut goes expensive of knives with $10,000. That's true. You can. What's your first purchase? Knives are easy to think though, right? Knives are pretty fucking nice. Cocoa is expensive, man. The knives are expensive. What's your first purchase

with the money? Is it going to be something for the kitchen? Ski pass. No, I'm going to get some new skis for the winter. All right. There we go.

And then die trying. What's the latest? I mean, I guess this is kind of an addition of die trying. This is going to be a mini. We've been filming everything and I'll film post and pre-fight so it'll be like

a miniature episode because it's still along the lines of die trying and then I going to be a mini, we've been filming everything and I'll film post and pre-fight so it'll be like a miniature episode because it's still along the lines of die trying and then I want to get right back after it as soon as I can after the fight. Why don't you milk crate challenge? I thought, after the fight we put off stuff because of the fight I didn't want to get hurt before it but I'll try I'm sure Billy would try that too. Yeah, I was going to say

get the younger, in shape guys up on those crates I don't want to do the milk crate challenge but again I very, very much would like to be on a die-trying episode. Preferably jumping out of a plane one. I was going to say, I feel like you need a passive die-trying where it's just like, this thing just happens. Yeah, Scott, it would be fun. I think the next one I'm going to do is bull riding, which will be episode two. Bull riding on the gum end.

I'm vetoing bull riding. I am vetoing that one. Bull riding on the gum end. I am vetoing bull riding. I am vetoing that one. Bull riding is nuts. Somebody wrote about running with the bulls. Do you do that? Yeah, I would too. I think that's more expensive with the travel and all that shit. So we've got to get off the ground first and hopefully get some more sponsors behind it

to really bring it to the full level that I want to. But we'll do a few things here and there. Kayaking, if you want to do some waterfalls, some of that shit is an option. That one I might be into. And then like luge and skeleton, the Olympic team, I'm going to do that in Lake Placid. Oh, definitely. I've done that. You have? Skeleton? In Lake Placid. Really? Luge. No.

Bobsled. Yeah, bobsled. This is the one where you're head first. We're going to go head first. Skeleton's way different. You're on like a fucking roller blade, basically. I was a child. I was in a hockey tournament in Lake Placid. You hop in like a little roller blade Basically I was a child I was in a Yeah You hop in like a little Like a roller coaster Yeah This thing is like

You lay on a roller blade And go like 200 miles an hour Head first I know what it is I just Misremembered Yeah Alright so

I'm excited for that That's next Alright and So that's this Sunday Or Saturday Friday Friday Okay Friday night

So tomorrow After this is out So Friday night Rough and rowdy Chef Donnie Versus Little bitch boy QCP who everybody's got a crush on. You're going to go on a date with this guy after Donnie kicks his ass? After I just walk out like fucking – was it Brad Pitt or was it Ed Norton in Fight Club? When he beats up the hot dude, he goes, I just wanted to ruin something beautiful.

You got to drop that line on him. That's got to be your post-game fight, post-fight interview. I just wanted to ruin something beautiful. That's a great one. Fuck. You got to call out Zach and Pat and be like, I just wanted to ruin something beautiful, you little pussy. Somehow Bryce Hall, because I called Bryce Hall out in the initial one. He caught wind of it.

In Mush's video that drops today, he goes, yeah, I'll fight that kid. He was just all on his high horse. I'll fight Donnie for free. So maybe I'll fight Bryce Hall. Bryce Hall keeps fighting and keeps losing. So, I mean, low power to him. Just to have him say that about me, I was like, this is funny either way. Dude, take that on next for sure, man.

All right, good shit, bro. So good luck and come talk to us after the fight. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. You for sure, man. All right. Good shit, bro. So good luck and come talk to us after the fight. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. You got it, man. សូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់� Thank you.