KFC Radio - The Miami Monsoon, Feits the Fashion Maven, and Tom Papa

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

KFC and Feits are readjusting to New York after a week in Miami. They recap Feits' fashion, the nightlife, and the locals of South Beach. They also cover the chaos of the Barstool Party, from the celebs to the dramatic ending. Voicemails include: Washing Machine, Contacts or Texts, and No Talking. KFC has an interview with Tom Papa. They discuss how Tom got teamed up with Jerry Seinfeld, New York Sports, and raising kids.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio. Big moment. There's been a couple times in this show's history where I get very proud of the business side of things, and we get aligned with certain people who feel like this was all worth it. And today, we're officially proud to announce we are sponsored by Miller Lite. And it's one of those times where it's like, we've done all this. We've had a long road, a lot of work.

John can't even open a twist off. I have really baby hands. What the fuck was that? I can never twist. I can't twist off a twist cap. I feel like you're twisting the glass. No, in that kind I was. But no, I can't. It hurts

my hands. Those fat baby sausage fingers can't... No, no, no, no. Don't, no. Do it with your bare hands. Raw dog. Do it. Oh my god. John is one of like, no bullshit, John is one of the

strong, just like brute, brolic strength guys I know. And little Nancy boy needs me to open up his bottles for him. It hurts my skin. I have very – You have supple hands. I have very delicate palms. You do. And so it hurts to – like if you – I was just thinking like, all right, grab another one and just do it now.

It would be tough. That would hurt a lot. I'm already raw right now. When it comes to – Cheers, you fat baby. You big fat baby, man. Wow. I thought you were doing a bit.

No. What's going on? I've always been just like, I always like sneaky just get my shirt off. Yeah, yeah. You were legit like. Because the pain distracts me so much. Oh, the pain. Wow.

That was funny. Who knew? Who knew John can't open a beer? Well, what I was going to say is, you know, it's any time you can get a little, some dollars on the side for drinking, drinking beer. Always the goal. Which, I mean, Miller Lite is actually, like, the first beer I started drinking.

And now, you know, to hear have it be part of the show is it's a good moment It's the first beer started drinking and now we are partners. Mm-hmm It's like a long relationship like very long like we used to like, you know, we're kind of dating We like messed up we messed around we hooked up and now we're like married Put a ring on it Miller Lite put a ring on KFC Radio. So Miller Lite, it is 96 calories. Not a lot of calories at all. That's way fewer than I thought. 3.2 carbs. Also not a lot of carbs.

Boy, this is like... Who knew? I feel like you can be on a low-carb diet and still drink beer. Sign me up, man. It is the best way to share some good times with your buddies. We were drinking them down in Miami. We were hanging out, telling stories, spinning yarns, shooting the shit. When you think about it, beer is like the OG social media.

It's like you got a funny joke to tell. Like, hey, let's go get a beer, bro. I got to get these jokes off. That's a good point. I got a couple one-liners, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So next time you're out with your buddies, you put down the phone, and instead of sending that tweet, just say it out loud to your buddy at the bar while you drink a meal of light

get your 280 characters off while you're sipping on a meal of light that isn't something that i struggle with personally a lot yeah where if i have a funny joke do i tell it to the room first or do i tell it to the world first yes because you don't want to feel like you're repeating yourself in either right you know what i mean like if i saw you tweet something and then you said it to me, I'd be like, all right. Yeah, you already got your likes and whatnot. But if you do it the other way around, I feel like I would tweet it. I think I would say it, hear you guys chuckle and be like, oh, that's like two or three people laughed. Like two or three thousand are going to like it, you know what I mean?

But it's so ridiculous to even worry about. Just fucking tell your jokes and tell your stories and drink your Miller Lite. Cheers, bud. To all the KFC Radio listeners, go get your Miller Lite. Sip a Miller Lite while you listen to KFC Radio. That'll be the new tradition. It does feel good to drink a little bit again. Like I had like a 24-hour hiatus. Yep.

Like last night during the Super Bowl, like those were going down my glass. I tried to have one. Yeah, I was like this. We're doing one of these. Yep, yep, exactly that. And now I'm like, ooh, okay, I'm back. We back. Tomorrow I will be fully back.

Yeah. It is. It's actually my wake up this morning was like I woke up kind of, you know, the standard. But I had a little extra like tomorrow I'm going to be good. Excited for tomorrow. You ever get like you that wake up where you're like, I didn't even drink last night. I had a beer last night. But still just Miami is still seeping out of me. And I woke up and I was like, okay, just Miami is still seeping out of me.

And I woke up and I was like, okay, this is officially the last day I can go. It's Christmas Eve. Tomorrow's Christmas. I'm going to feel good. Yeah, I feel like I remember getting to a point when I was probably like in college. I remember waking up. Like Tuesday nights were a big night for us in college. It was just like the way our class schedule, Wednesdays, nobody had any class.

And I remember like by like my remember What a fucking rack at colleges. Wednesdays, we're going to have fucking four hours of class this week. Week! The high school is so much more real life than college. And how much was this going to cost me? 60 grand. It's fucking nuts, man. 15-year-old Steve is applying to colleges now, and he was funny.

He released all his recruit wood. He's like, here are my final choices. And I was like, don't do any of this shit. I mean, literally, that guy should just be like Bob Fox and just come here. Right, right, right. Yeah, honestly. He's got a job, right? I would think so.

That's up to Dave, bro. I would think so. That's up to Dave, bro, but like just come here. Just come here. I mean he's going to be – he's got the sense of humor. He's been studying the game film either intentionally or unintentionally for his whole life. Just come here, dude. I've always thought about that with my kids because I personally think college is such a racket. Yeah. And I hated my time there, but I just – I never really wanted to go to college.

It's to the point where it was very clear. Like I think even my parents knew. It was like, have you done your applications yet? Like, no. Yeah. It's almost like I was waiting for it to be too late. Like, oh, can't go. Sorry.

Oh, well, too bad. But you weren't even excited to start. Like I can understand like after fact. You didn't graduate. You didn't like it. You still ended up fine. Fuck it. But most people are excited. But again, because you already were doing it.

What's that? You were already doing it, kind of. Most kids are excited to get away from their parents, go home, live alone. You were doing that. Yeah. I never had any desire to go to college. And I wish my parents had asked me. Do you really want to do this?

Because we don't care. But I don't think they... Our parents were not like that. I think I might be like that by the time my kids are of age where it's like, I'll let you decide. Our parents were not going to give us the choice. They were like, you're going. I think my mom would have.

Really? My mom would have, yeah. You would have just gone into the insurance business and been okay? No, I think she would have been like, you can... Spread your wings. Yeah. Let's take some time and you figure out what you want yeah my mom is very much like like she's she's

always been like the mental health like you don't do a school today yeah yeah monday's fuck it yeah yeah yeah like be happy she's ahead of her time yeah but like i i've thought about that i think it was warren buffett was like did that with his kids it was like i you can go to college or you have a million dollars. A million? I think it was something like that. Whatever it was, the tuition was. And it was like. And do what you want with it.

Yeah. Yeah. You can do what you want with it. Right. Obviously, you'd be in a financially very sound position for Warren Buffett to do that. Yeah. But also like if you. But if you promise, if you save all this money, like I was thinking about it the other day

because there's these 529 accounts or like for education and it's tax free because of that. But you have to put it towards education. And I was like, what would you do if you saved a quarter of a million, $500,000, whatever? And then like, I don't know, go to college. Like, can you get that out? What do you do? You can get it out. Right.

But that's what I mean. It's like, I feel like it's better to just have like a savings account in the event that, you know, what if my kid gets fucking big on Tik TOK and it's like, let's just spend $500,000 on a Tik TOK house. Like fuck college. You know what I mean? So, uh, but that's,

I feel like a new age way of thinking. I feel like most people are, are from our generation. We're like, you gotta go to college. Yeah. But I think now it's become clear that you, you don't,

if you look, if you want to go work in the business world, you do, but there are avenues that you don't need it. And if that's something you're interested in pursuing, then why even bother? I'll help you out. Coming out of like starting life strapped with unimaginable debt, not a good idea. I don't think that's a good idea at all.

I mean that's like no matter – you could be top of your class and it's like your first few years, you're just paying back bills. Fuck that. If you want to go into a field, you just have to deal with that. But if you're on the fence at all or just go to like your community college, if you – sometimes it's like if it's actually about obtaining the knowledge, rarely. But if you need to take a class, fine. But don't go to fucking pay for one of these Jesuit schools that's like through the roof when you can just go around the corner and take classes. That's what I did first. I was like, actually, this is ridiculous.

I'll go to state school instead. But then – so I was thinking about uh 50 year old steve fordham was on his list and i was like you know i i've been pretty anti-fordham in a weird way like i all my best friends are from there if i could go i would do it the same if i could go back and do it all over again because i just want like the world to unfold exactly how it has it worked out pretty well but like the actual school it's like in a grimy neighborhood no good sports cold weather no co-ed dorms strict rules no drink you know it's like not college at all but then i looked around even just here and it was like there's a lot of people from forum here and i don't know whether that's a you know actually it was somebody was talking shit because it was like tommy and spider and you know not exactly

some of the sexy names but like all the more reason you know what I mean like you can kind of be one of these regular guys and again I don't know if it's Fordham or whatever but it's like you don't have to be like Dan where it's like who cares what college he goes to he's a star you could be you know a spider I love spider but like and it

worked out so I don't know I just started to think that maybe there is more to like where I would have been a time where I said go to warm weather school, big frat party, big presence, big sports. And like now I'm kind of coming back around on all sorts of ideas. I've always – because it was – it's weird. People talk about like the community of college. And like I guess I never put forth effort into the community. But it was like I thought the bigger school had more of a community because it's like we're all Seminoles.

Yeah. Like when I was at St. Mike's, it wasn't – you would think the smaller community has it, but no one's like we're all Purple Knights. Because it's pride. You don't have like pride for those schools. When you have a winning team or a party reputation, you're like, fuck yeah. We're like Arizona State or whatever. No one's like – except for the nerds, like the real nerds, who are like, roll rams, you know what I mean?

What if it's $52,000? Yeah, well, that's the other thing. Actually, that's lower than I, I would have thought it was like over $60,000 by now. Yeah. But I mean, that's the other thing too, is like, you know, to pay, Arthur Avenue's there, there's great restaurants, there are parts of it that are nice, but like, to pay like $50,000 to live somewhere where you like, can't freely party, have sex,

or walk the streets safely is a little bit much. You know what I mean? Those are three things that college is pretty important. Yeah, I mean, I have no fucking idea where it's going to... I kept saying the bubble has to pop, but I feel like we just keep going. With what, prices? Yeah.

By the time my kids are of age, is it going to be $1 million per year? We're upwards of $100,000 right now. We've got a couple decades to go. Wait, $30,000 a semester or $30,000 a year? $30,000 a year, but that's Fordham. I think some of the fancy schools are like $70,000, $80,000. We're getting up to $100,000. It used to be $100,000 to go, period. Now it getting up to 100 grand. It used to be 100 grand to go period.

Now it's just for a year. Dude, it was in the 80s. I think it was 7 grand. I feel like it was inflation, but then also it really rocketed. It rocketed up. And then it's got to come down eventually. You would think it has to, right? The textbooks are crazy.

Especially now when you can just watch like a podcast or whatever it's like you don't need the book this one but there there are smart podcasts there are other ones yeah man i i don't know i i don't know what the answer is anymore i do think that like there is an element of i liked fordham because everybody stayed there like all my best friends were from new york new jersey long island whatever and we stayed. So now I have all my friends for life. But I got friends who went to like Notre Dame and they all went their separate ways. And it's like they come back to like their high school friends. And it's kind of like, well, why'd you do that?

You know what I mean? Don't do that. But you live like a chapter of the anthology. Right, right, right. You had your college friends. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.

The anthology series is going to be the new the new memo for life. Like not a bad idea. But yeah, I don going to be the new memo for life. Not a bad idea. But, yeah, I don't know. Fucking good luck, Steve, in figuring out college. I don't know. I don't fucking know. We've got to do a little Miami recap here, which it feels like ages ago already. I mean, it feels like sweating it out.

But at the same time, we haven't talked about the wrap-up. So Miami wrap-up is brought to you by Thursday Boots. So not only are we now drinking our favorite beers while we listen to the podcast, we get to design our own footwear. We get to talk about stylish boots and trends. I mean, what's better than that? That's exactly who we are.

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Not design, but we kind of like put our own flair onto some pre-existing. We designed. But you know what? But all the more endorsement for them, like it wasn't like we came into Thursday and we were like, all right start from scratch you guys don't know what we were doing it was like oh that looks pretty fucking dope yeah let's just add a barstool here we'll change the color there but the the layouts and the designs they have are already all pretty fresh and they've got a bunch of different ones uh all for different seasons and different styles it is affordable and high quality and i'll shoot you straight they have got like The quality has gone up exponentially

even since we started working with them. The first pairs that they sent us were, everyone was kind of like, oh, all right, thanks for these boots. They're pretty tough. And by now, they've figured out every design. Everything's comfortable. Everything looks on trend, up to date, and high quality.

So you can go to Thursdayboots.com right now and get yourself a high quality pair of boots at honest prices. And you're going to know you're looking stylish because they've been – there's a reason why they were tapped into Feidelberg right away. Feitz is – you're a fashion maven, bro. Is that a fact? I disagree with that.

I'm wearing an Instagram sweatshirt that doesn't really fit me. You know what I got from Instagram? Go to ThursdayBoots.com. Get yourself some boots. I got a kimono. Whoa. Yeah. A kimono.

It's like, I'm never going to wear it, I don't think. But it's basically like a cardigan. It's not like a long robe. It's just like a. Is it you wear out or where? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, no, it's supposed to be for out.

It was an Instagram. Instagram got me. I got God. I can't wait to see it when I get it tonight. So now I'll wear it on Wednesday when we record the next podcast. You can see it. Go to barcelagold.com slash KFC to check out Vites' Instagram sweatshirt, and I'll be wearing mine next episode.

You can see whatever we're wearing. I also got the Viva hoodie on right now with the plaid. We got that coming out probably next week. We got a whole line of thermal long-sleeve right now with the plaid we got that coming out probably next week we got a whole line of uh thermal long sleeve tees with little plaid hits and these zip up hoodies with some plaid so all plaid for the rest of winter here here at uh the viva brand so that's barcelagold.com slash kfc so i got got and it it looks like the picture i saw was just like again like a cardigan it was just like uh over like a jacket you wear over it.

But when it showed up, it has like a tie that you're supposed to tie off. And like, you know, the collar, there's not like a collar. It lays flat. And it's almost like a thermal, like a waffle material. I don't know. I didn't even try it on. I opened it up. I opened up.

The two things arrived was the that like the thing i wore last night that's like a new mexico type of thing and that so i got two cocky sweatshirts that arrived i put one on cultural appropriation coming from you yeah buddy i'm asian i'm mexican i'm everything right now man i'm like yeah i'm like those restaurants that serve tacos and sushi you got a little mexican you get a little bit asian i got it all going right now uh so we'll see what kimono life is like for me. I'm excited to see it. It'll probably be relegated to an in-house type of thing, a barstool indoors,

but maybe I'll wear it out. I picture, I hear kimono, I picture Schmidt, the new girl, who has a kimono he wears, and it's like... Is it like silky? Yeah, and like booty short. Right, right. And he wears it with underwear. It's a very funny look. That is more, I think that's what, you think of kimono, you think of geishas and shit. This is like, I think kimono just kind of means it's like a very funny look. That is more, I think that's what you think of kimono, you think of

geishas and shit. I think kimono just kind of means it's like a type of jacket. But we'll see. We'll find out. I'm excited to even just try it on. But yeah, you're a fashion maven because when you rolled out in Miami and you're fucking socks and tevas, I got so mad. So mad.

So mad. Why? Because you have played your cards right for so long as a fashion guy that you can do whatever you want now. Yeah. How annoying is that? But also, it's just something about me. It's like I'm just such an idiot that it's – It works. It's just fine.

When I bought it, I bought that look intended like an asshole. You were supposed to be a dad in a video. At Orlando. And I came downstairs to Casey. He was like, I mean, you kind of look good. I know. It's annoying. I was like, I actually like this look, too.

Do you remember? I know you're going to remember this specifically. And I'm probably pumping your tires too much because you're going to love it. When Justin Bieber did Carpool Karaoke, do you remember that? No, I don't. Oh, wow. I'm stunned because your tires too much because you're going to love it. When Justin Bieber did Carpool Karaoke, do you remember that? No, I don't. Oh, wow, I'm stunned because we talked about this. So they go to a fashion house.

Oh, yes, yes. And Corden picks out stuff for him trying to fuck him up. And he comes out of the dressing room and Corden's like, motherfucker, you look pretty good. You've achieved that status. You make fun of something, but then you wear it.

And I don't know whether it actually looks good. I don't even know whether the people think it actually looks good, but they're just programmed to think if John's wearing it, it's like a new trend or a new thing. So you can get away with whatever. I look good in those. For some reason, that look works for me. I don't know what it is, but like it worked. It's like what does work mean you know like

whatever works means it works yeah it's fucking bullshit it's just it's you just gotta have a little fucking i don't give a shit about like even just white socks you wear you know you were like white socks are in like if i wear white socks i'm like a dork you know i'm like like a point dexter from like the 50s you wear white socks and it's like this oh wow well the fashion guy is actually going anti-fashion so now it becomes fashion like fuck off you're wearing haynes socks not even haynes yeah walmart right these are like fucking bootleg socks and lame sandals that you would have railed against three years ago but now because you would because you would have railed against it i feel like it's time travel i feel like you're a time traveler and you go to the future and you find what's good and you come back and you make fun of it knowing that in three years you can wear it ironically

that people will think it looks good i think you have the powers of time travel and all you do is go in the future and look at trends forget about gambling forget about money you're just like what footwear looks good i'm gonna make fun of it when I go back So I can wear it in three years The socks are so cheap They're not even breathable That whole look Probably cost $9

I liked it That was a little Miami John's You have the thrift shop chic going on It seems to be working And it's annoying it's annoying i'm sorry i didn't know you felt this way well it's not just you it's anybody who kind of but you put in the work so i'm okay with it like you you went through like years of ridicule you you put in like research you like figure it out you know you you have an eye for it so i get it but

it's like i could wear like the wrong, like buttoned up shirt, like still like within the very normal realm of like dress normal. And people would be like, fucking, that looks terrible. You know what I mean? You could walk, you could wear a garbage. People say it looks terrible. I was like, whatever. I think it looks good.

Well, that's the other thing too, is you weren't, if I just be like, I don't fucking care, but you get to the point, you know what? I mean, the overwhelming response I saw was like, I don't know why that works, looks good, but it does. There was a comment on your Instagram that was like, I guess I'm into fucking Tevas now. I didn't know that. They can't figure it out. I posted a picture on Instagram. I just didn't look at it because I figured it was all going to crush me.

But if some of them liked it, that's nice. Not even like, but just like, I'm confused. And I know that he knows what he's talking about. So, okay, I guess that's what's in there. That's better than being like, I like this. Yes, like not knowing. What is happening? Yes, yeah.

It really is. It lets you realize, makes you realize that fashion and clothing, it's all the emperor's new clothes. It's all bullshit. It always has been and always will be, and people know that. But to see it so blatantly in practice where it's just like that look of sandals and socks is universally regarded as like lame dad. I don't know what I'm doing. And the guy who loves fashion is now doing it. It's like doesn't fucking, you know, and like when there's going to come a time, I hope it's soon.

I hope soon that like JNCO – I need a side-by-side of you like from when rolled-up tight pants were in fashion like a couple years ago to like baggy fucking jeans. And you're all in on it and it's just like, look, this is the same guy in the same – basically the same mindset. Things have changed a little bit, but for the most part, same guy and wearing diametrically opposed clothes. I mean that's coming very soon. You're talking about like a bubble bursting in college. Pants, tight pants? The slim fit pants have been. I mean, thank God we're going to bring that to an end.

You know what I mean? I still think they're like my favorite look. I still prefer a tapered pant. But for every man out there, the every man who's like, you know, not in great shape or a little overweight or whatever, like there have been people, the every man who's like not in great shape or a little overweight or whatever. There have been people – I've noticed even – like if you were fat, would you still dress on trend? Because like sometimes I see guys in like tight shirts that I know they're wearing it because tight's in. And I'm like, you got – they're like, you know, fat.

I see your tits. I see your belly. I see your muffin top. And it's like I know it's in style, you look like you know what do they say 50 pounds of shit stuffed in a 10 pound bag or whatever like no i think trends only work for certain people yeah you gotta do it with like but also it just depends on what trend you follow because like kanye's been wearing fucking clothes that are humongous hefty bags for five years well actually it's not even about that's the trend i'm on it's about how you carry yourself because i

could come out i could walk out me, me and you relatively speaking, same body, same everything in the grand scheme of things. We could walk out wearing the same exact outfit to a whole new audience that has never seen us before, and they don't know what my style is or your style is. They could tell that I'm uncomfortable wearing it and you're not, Just like body language and pheromones or whatever it is. Like if I were to walk around wearing that outfit, I'd be like, oh, man, I'm self-conscious. Are they looking at me? What do they think? What do they think? And you would just be like, I don't fucking care.

And you can feel that. You can tell that on someone. It's like, are you pulling it off? Like that's a mental thing, you know? Fuck you, man. Fuck off. Yeah, so, I mean, Miami John was out wearing stupid sandals and shit but um miami john is like still here he's lingering like he's he's slowly fading out but he's here your gambling

cave performance was was epic i mean i've never seen someone we were talking about that like the gambling cave being a coffin like you were the dead body well i was we were at john's funeral i was so close just laying down on the floor. I can't believe you stayed. In a room that was on fire and it's like, get low so you're below the smoke. I was almost just laying on the floor. The heat's up there. Get as low as you can. Get a little bit of the cooling aspect of the

cement floor and hopefully survive that way. I couldn't believe I stayed the whole game. I almost left, by the way. I was going to leave if it went to overtime. I left. I was thinking about leaving. I had to drive home. After that interception, I was like, this is over. The Niners are winning.

And I really was like, eh, I might as well just leave now. Actually, I was going to say, thank God I didn't. I wouldn't really care. I missed the Chiefs' two-touchdown comeback. Whatever, man. I don't fucking care. But that was, I mean, all business, Pete. Not great. You talked about it a little bit on the rundown the the fact that there's a good 99 chance that that wall that gets ripped down i really

really think so is very i think the gambling cave will just become like the gambling wall it'll be a wall of tvs and i don't even know why we need walls around us i get the idea of making like a thing but now that we have tried for about a year and it's not working in any capacity. And also, there aren't walls inside of it. I feel like the cave has the man cave idea, so you have things you can hang. There's no room to hang things.

Right, right. It's all windows or just walls. It's all windows that just don't work. It's all broken windows. Right, so there's not going to be any branding or character to it, so you might as well just not fucking have it. Yeah.

Unless we get those fans with the mist i think that would be very funny if we had like texas sideline mist fans going that would be that would be something i think that would work but that i'd be in on that i would have just been by the end of the game i would have just been looked like i sat in a rainstorm just soaking wet just been sitting in front of it tripping off my face onto my shirt and i still have been just sitting there. Which is a very appropriate description of us on Friday night. Saturday? Friday night.

Friday night. The Barstool party. Dave said on the gambling stream last night, there was a time where, at the party, he and Gaz were yelling at the fire marshal while Devlin and Dante were screaming on the microphones for guys to get off the stage and he was like I got transported back to 2011 into the blackout tour right there which is I mean we told you we were going to do a throwback party and we fucking did down to the fire marshal shutting it down and I would not have it any other way people were like I saw some people chirping on Twitter being like what a disaster because actually very ironically and very funny, my last tweet of the night was,

the Miami monsoon is letting it rain inside a little bit, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to us. Because at that point, it was like mists cooling us off. And I was like, everyone's thrilled about the rain. And then it was like narrator voice. They were not. I mean, the party got flooded out, but every party got flooded out. There was a 60-mile-an-hour winds tornado warning.

Fire Marshal was shutting. They shut the Pepsi party down. Harry Styles didn't get to go on stage. Like, major, major people got shut down, not just us. But I kind of like it that way. Oh, I wish it was just us. Oh, well, okay, fine. But the point being, I wish it didn't go – I'm happy it didn't go smoothly.

Like, if it was just an awesome party, okay. But, like, I will – did you know C.C. Matthews was there? No, I saw some of that. didn't go i'm happy it didn't go smoothly like if it was just an awesome party okay but like i will did you see cc betty was there uh but no i saw cc donovan mcnab uh joe montana did in fact come sam donald was there i didn't get to see him like there was like a handful of celebrities that we were with the bosses and joe burrow uh a couple other a couple other guys rob ho and the houston asterisk shirt yeah i mean we were just standing there with burrow burrow was like like we're talking to burrow burrow i mean burrow you know he's coming from college where it's like all right i'm used to hot sweaty crowded parties anyway he

was real cool i didn't know where i stood with joe burrow because like i don't know him and he's a pmt guy you got to meet him that one day i didn't so i was like i don't want to act like i know him but i also don't want to act like a fan boy because we're like cool now So I went up to him, and we ended up just shoulder to shoulder on point. I was like, oh, hey, man, nice to meet you. And he was like, oh, I thought I met you already. I thought you were at the party that night. So he was just like totally chill. But, you know, like, what the fuck was Joe Montana doing when that shit hit the fan?

Yeah, because when it hit the fan, it was 6,000 people making a mass exodus. It looked like Katrina. It was. Yeah, it was. The levees broke. I mean, it was crazy. Fucking walking through. I was ready to hop on top of a roof with a sign asking for FEMA.

Like, get me the fuck out of here. I mean, it was like we got lucky. I'll tell that story in a minute. But when the party got shut down and you have several thousand people calling an uber at once nobody's getting out of there i don't care if you're rich i don't care if you're poor i don't care you're famous i don't care nobody you're all stuck yeah so like i mean i feel like montana must have a car at super bowl week and this is like you wait for me true but even like yeah yeah i guess once you have the car because then then you get out of there but yeah i'm sure there was plenty of people relying

on ubers and shit that would just like i think someone i think frankie someone said like sam donald was just like roaming the street i can't get me i was thinking i almost like texted a couple of the guys that i know being like sorry you know because i didn't know like what just you know it's like you came to our party and you got stuck but i was like i don't know i'm not doing that i'm not taking that blame it fucking rains like i'm not i'm not pinning this one on me but the only reason we got home so and for a little background i had i changed my flight to get out of there early. Feidelberg, I watched your brain short circuit when I told you I had a 7.30 flight. You were like, I didn't even know planes flew that early.

It was a crazy time to get a flight. Our party was famously starting at midnight. And Kevin's like,'s like i gotta be at the airport in five hours yeah but it worked out great like the party getting shut down for me i was like everybody go home i'm not the loser anymore like everybody had to go home at 1 30 but i mean it worked out great for me i got home i napped for a little bit and then i had to get back in dad mode if i went straight into dad life i would kill myself yeah that would have been but like that's what you that's what you kind of signed

up to do by going home at 7 30 you could have just gone home at 1 30 no but i would have had to like but having like i got home and laid in bed and went to sleep and woke up and then went and did it like even if i got to sleep extra if i had to go from the airport to the kids i would it would have been tough yeah i like having i'd rather wake up early be miserable and have the buffer before i go into war, basically. I need it to game plan, you know? So I'm like, I got to get to the airport by like 5. It's now like 1.30.

And I'm thinking like, we're not getting out of here for like two hours. Like we're going to have to walk home or something. And like a goddamn guardian angel from above, we just hear this guy like, hey, John. Hey, John, do you need a ride? i i was thinking it was just like a fan i was like i did not think it was not someone like yo i have a car to help save you it was just like hey john hey hey and and we realize that like he's like calling us over so we stop and start running towards him and it's this guy and his girl and they just happened to get an xl so they had room for all of us. And he – what?

He worked at Blackout Tour once? One event? He's like – shout out Tico. It's like Gronk's childhood friend. He's from Buffalo. So we're like – I don't know. The way he was talking at first, though, made me feel like he was like an intern or worked for us once because he was like – he said something like, just like old times with the Blackout Tour or something like that. Yeah, but they came with –

They came to the Blackout. Yeah. A lot of Blackout parties right right right um so i know i don't think i mean he might have helped out with someone in buffalo or something like that before okay but no i thought the way he the way he said that i was like shit am i like do i know this guy like did i work with him should i know him and i i when we got he they happened to be leaving they happened to see us they happened to be friends with the gronks and they happened to be in the hotel next to us. And they drove us home. And I said to them as we got out, I was like, I will never forget you.

You are one of the nicest, the most important person in my life right now. Because if I had to just roam the hood, like we're in the hood of Miami. That warehouse is in a weird section of Miami. I would have gotten home and just had to go right to the airport. And then I would have died. I probably would have just killed myself. So shout out to that guy and his girl. Saved our lives.

That was like Dave has his guardian angel. That was like mine in that moment. I was like, thank you for you. And I realized, though, hearing that, we probably didn't see it, but we probably were like just whipping past like CeCe's to Bathia. And Joe Montana, see you guys. We're out of here. As the rivers flow.

They were calling like Uber's like, no, I'm on the corner at 24th. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And then we didn't see it. But PFT told us that as they crossed the bridge back into South Beach, there was just a car on fire. There were lanes that were completely flooded. It was like full blown, catastrophic third world type shit. That was just like the city.

Certain, you know, it's like when it snows in Nashville and the whole thing shuts down. It's like that type of rain, that city just can't fucking handle it. I mean, that's what I was thinking. That was going to be my thing with Miami, too, where that night it rained hard, but there were a couple of nights where it's going to rain, batten down the hatches. It just rained a little bit. Right.

It's not a crazy rainstorm. You're in Miami. You should be able to handle rain. Yeah, like rain in florida happens like every day yeah every single day it rains the humidity's so fucking high down there right why can't you like by the way your infrastructure is bad if you can't handle it could never live in miami it's terrible for the hair the whole week the hair was a fucking nightmare the humidity i'm sweating the hair that is not my i forgot what south beach was and then i got there and i just see like the lamborghinis and the tans and shit i was like oh i'm not i don't fit it was it was over the top i would i would need to like i've never been to miami before and it was like what i imagined it

is on steroids i didn't realize how late i like miami is the latest time i've ever been in my life that's tough i was out until like 7 a.m like four nights in a row i know i don't know how you did that like i i can't hang new york. Like, I can't hang New York City times anymore. I can't hang like Boston times anymore, let alone start at like midnight. I had no idea Miami was like people go out at 1 a.m. We went to a concert, and then we're going to go to the club, and everyone was like, oh, the club's dead. We had a full fucking, granted it started a little bit early, but we had gone to a concert,

got drunk enough that we almost got terrible tattoos. And then we're like, let's go to the club. And everyone's like, nah, you can't yet. I mean, that was nuts. I also, the one night in the club, I don't know. I can't remember. I feel like I forget. I feel like we were on like a different, doing different podcasts and doing different radio

that week. I'm like, I'm like, did you, did I already tell the story? If I did, is this like, I feel like I'm talking to a different audience right now than when I was in Miami. But the night we went to 11, when we got the tour, me, Rudy, and Nick, it was – We haven't told this one. Okay, good. All right. So let me tell you.

What I find to be the funniest or most interesting story out of my Miami experience, it's brought to you by Manscaped. Manscaped, listen, that's the other thing. If you're down in Miami, you've be you gotta be pretty you gotta look good or at least you at least gotta have a good body i got my mustache you gotta trim down yeah i mean you got a manscape if you're gonna have you're gonna pop the top off you're gonna be in the hot tubs you're gonna be on the beach you gotta look good you can't be rolling up there with like some new york city hairy chest uh and listen it's the city of sex, so you got to be below the belt. You got to be clean.

You got to have your body on point, and that's what Manscaped does. They got the Manscaped 3.0 – Manscaped – the Lawnmower 3.0 Manscaping Trimmer. The – it's – I mean, they're on the third generation already. I mean, these guys just keep reinventing the trimmer game. It's got skin-safe technology. It's waterproof. The battery will last up to 90 minutes so you can take a longer shave. If it takes you 90 minutes to shave your body, you are a grizzly bear.

Like, call your doctor because you are turning into a werewolf. You are a bear. You shouldn't need 90 minutes. But it's got it. It takes me like three minutes. Right. It's got the quiet stroke technology. It's easy, quick, safe. You can't nick yourself. It it's got it. It takes me like three minutes. Right. It's got the quiet stroke technology. It's easy, quick, safe.

You can't nick yourself. It's nick proof. It also comes along with the ball deodorant and the anti-cheat. The nick proof thing is the most important thing in the whole world. You know when you get the spider bites on your dick? Ah. You just get like the teeth marks. And those just bleed out.

They never stop bleeding. I still have them bleeding from like when I started shaving when I was 16. It just bleeds forever. Like I have a current, always an exposed wound. Yeah. One time a guy I worked with called farts divine comedy. He said only God would put these two fat cheeks right in the way of this one place where air comes out. It's like God designed farts, right?

I feel like God's big prank to guys was like, I'm going to make your balls super floppy and wrinkly and really hairy, and you've got to figure it out. Like, motherfucker, dude. We've got to pull it and drip it. And Manscaping the Lawnmower came along here to right God's wrong. So you go to manscaped.com, use the promo code KFC, get 20% off, and you'll get the new and improved Lawnmower 3.0 that's just launching.

You get the ball deodorant and the anti-chafing cream, everything you need to look good, smell good, feel good, and be smooth. Go to manscaped.com, use the promo code KFC to get 20% off and free shipping. So we're at the club. We're at 11. I don't know if I know this story. Yeah, I mean, I tried to tell it to you, but it was in the club. We couldn't hear.

Everyone was fucked up. So 11, if you don't know, is this half strip club, half club club. We walk in. Rudy did not know that at all. I knew that and had forgotten. And then I see girls. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a half strip club. Rudy did not know anything.

Rudy, by the way, if you don't know him, one of my favorite guys at Barstool. He's like, he's just, he's a character. He walks in and sees these beautiful strippers on top of the place. It's just awesome. He just had this smile. If you're watching on Gold, he was just like just looking

around, scanning the room, smiling ear to ear, not even realizing that he was doing it. I was like, you're having fun. You're happier here. So, me the room, smiling ear to ear, not even realizing that he was doing it. I was like, you're having fun. You're happier here. So me, Nick, and Rudy get pulled aside by this dude who works at Eleven, the guy who won the horse race bet that Dave was betting, and this guy came in. Dave's horse almost won, but a 30 to 1 beat him by a nose, and this dude from Eleven won and was throwing money in his face. I won, but like a 30 to 1 beat him by a nose. And this dude from 11 won and was like throwing money in his face.

Like, I won. And Dave was like, motherfucker. So this guy happens to work at 11, and he's like, you want the tour? And I was kind of like, no. And then he kept asking. I was like, this place must be fucking awesome. It must be like a zoo upstairs. I'll take the tour.

So me, Nick, and Rudy go off. And it was just one of those things where it was just like, we're going to remember this forever. Because like, what a weird crew weird crew right what a weird trio and he's just showing us like everything that 11 has to offer and 11 is incredible like the restaurant he showed us the restaurant portion and the private rooms and but it got to the point where he was like he was like there's a private room and i was like all right cool and then like next door he's like there's another private room like all right i get it and one point, he takes us outside. And it was raining!

And I just followed him outside! And I was like, what? It's just a testament to, you know, what's that like? There's studies that are done, almost like the prisoner and that famous thing where everybody just follows their own role.

The Stanford experiment. Yeah. I'm like, this guy works here and he's giving us a tour so i must follow and i walk outside into a goddamn monsoon on a tour i really didn't want to be on so i was wet the rest of the night i was just like fucking wet and i was like why did why did i do that i don't know and you go outside we all did yeah i was wearing miami had the hat though yeah he was good and and and and like at one point he goes to the bathroom and leaves us. And I was like, what is going on right now? And we're standing there, and Rudy was like, I don't know, but we're going to remember this night for the rest of our lives.

And I was like, why do you think this guy left us? And he went to the bathroom, whatever. And Rudy's like, all I know is when he comes back up, we're going to hype this guy up to the moon. And he comes out, we're like, yo, this tour, man and he comes out like yo this tour man what's next dude where are we going next man and we're just like walking around the whole club while like everyone else was downstairs partying i was like what is happening but i almost like i liked it better than like had i just been like standing at the table with you having more drinks you know i mean i was like let's fucking

make this a night let's figure out this wacky shit i don't know what's going on at 11 now, man. That place, too, with the performances and shit. Forget about just the regular strippers, like the flamenco duo that we're like. It is an experience, man. If you can get into 11, I suggest you do it at some point. It is crazy. Can you open all that for me? I knew this was going to happen.

I knew at some point I was going to have to open another. Come on. It hurts so bad. I feel like this is a joke. I feel like the audience is going to happen I knew at some point I was going to have to open another Come on It hurts so bad I feel like this is a joke I feel like the audience Is going to think this is a joke They probably are I'm telling you my shirt please What exactly happens to you?

It just hurts It doesn't hurt that much Let me see your hands Is it like red marks? Are you like doing it wrong? I don't think so You're just a big fat pussy, man. Yeah.

Like my, I can feel how soft my hands are. You do have, yeah, they're like soft, supple fingers. Yeah. I don't know what you're doing. Those fat. I got baby fingers. You do. It really is like they're fat baby fingers that it's almost like baby skin when it's

like, but I know, I mean your hands, like you played sports, you, you know, you're an adult who's been on the planet for 30 years. Your hands are like worn, but they're not. They feel like a baby's hands. Yeah, it's weird. You're a weird. You are just a goddamn science experiment, you know? You really are.

The hair, the sweat, the skin, the size, the nipples, the fucking, I don't know. What's the deal with the nipples? Don't you got weird nipples? I don't think so. Don't you have puffy nipples? They're a little puffy. They're not too puffy. I feel like they're better.

I know. The wallow chest shaving was just... The wallow is just like some of my chest. Yo, the Million Dollars Boys are just... They are a fucking tornado. Wallow just ran over to me on set, on radio. He's like, like yo let me clean you up so now i have a mustache and a shaved chest i i wish there was three uh i wish there

was three of those scooters because there was two spitting chiclets like not vespas but like electronic scooters me and spider would would cruise on them i mean i love that shit it was funny because everyone was talking about me trying to survive for the next three to five years. And I was like, what am I going to do? And the next thing I know, I'm whipping down fucking Collins Ave going like 21 miles an hour in and out of traffic with no helmet on. I was like, oh, fuck, man. But a couple of times I would just go up by myself and I would put on an album and just listen to the whole album and just cruise around. And then the Million Dollars guys were doing the same thing, and I was like, if me and Spider could have linked up two and two, we would have had this

ridiculous Sons of Anarchy scooter gang. It was... That gets me going, man. I like... I'm a scooter guy. I'm getting a scooter. In Newport in the summers, it's very much like a Vespa town. It's the way to go, too. If you whip around in a scooter, it's fucking fun.

You can't do it on the boardwalk in Miami, though. Where else am I going to, it's fucking fun. You can't do it on the boardwalk in Miami, though, which is like, well, where else am I going to want to do the scooter, you know? You can't do it on the boardwalk? Yeah, nothing electronic on the boardwalk in Miami. So the first time, it was like sunset. I was like, I'm going to go for a fucking boardwalk cruise. It's going to be amazing. It's not like a boardwalk.

It's like a road along the beach, you know, but nothing electronic. So then you got to go on the street, and the street is like slow-rolling Lamborghinis, so you've got to stop, go, stop, go. It kind of takes the fun out of it. But I am in. It's important to get a slow-rolling Lamborghini. Drive that bitch fast. Lamborghinis are like one inch off the ground. I feel like if you hit any sort of bump, you're breaking

a $275,000 car. I was checking out the casino in Boston. The one just opened up there. And they were raffling off a McLaren F1. And it was like, you buy a $200 ticket and you have a chance to win the McLaren F1. And I was like, if you can't afford a McLaren F1, then you can't afford to have a McLaren F1. Like what, some dude from Somerville is just going to win it?

Park on the street with his fucking resident parking pass. A McLaren F1 needs to get a two in the block. You take it around the block, it's like, oh, alright, we've got to get it tuned up now. You can't just be a regular person who can have a McLaren F1. I just started watching

Ford vs. Ferrari. I'm in the process of watching that in several pieces just because I got home, I had to go, and I watched some of that at the Super Bowl last night. And they were showing the... You saw that? I have not seen it. I didn't know it was out. I do want to watch it tonight. It's for purchase, though. Oh, for fun.

Yeah. But they go to the Ferrari factory, and every engine is made by one dude start to finish. Every transmission is made by one dude start to finish. Every body. And they put it all together. So they make a couple hundred a year or whatever, made by one dude start to finish every transmission is made by one dude start to finish every body and like they put it all together so they make like you know a couple hundred a year or whatever but they're like the best machine in the world but i'm like you know what does that mean to me like if you're not if you're not racing them who fucking cares it's like yeah this is the

transmission is the most efficient blah blah i'm just going to the fucking store there's on a run for milk for the kids man i don't need a fucking f1 man but you look good i guess i don't know i feel like those cars when i saw those dudes in miami with the lamborghinis and shit my first reaction is more like you're a try hard then right oh that's dope and and there are levels of like your try hard where some of it comes from jealousy, but like, I'm not jealous of you. No,

I'm jealous. I'm like, you can afford it, but I'm not jealous of the lifestyle that you chose to buy it. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Of course I'd like to have your money that can buy a Ferrari, but like, I wouldn't use it on that. No, I saw this guy. I was eating outside a shout out to the Betsy. That was the, that was the spot all week.

And, uh, like along the strip where everybody is like those novelty drinks and the girls with the cigar boxes with this one beautiful little steakhouse that we ate at. It was awesome. But there was a guy in a white Lamborghini. And I don't know whether he was borrowing it or he rented it or whatever. But he got in and I watched him. We were sitting on the street right outside.

And he didn't know what the fuck to do. He was looking at it, and I watched him. He tried to put it in reverse. He was fucking it up. And I was like, yeah, man, Lambo is for five people on the whole planet. You know what I mean? Otherwise, that shit is for show, and you are in over your head. And the attention you're getting from it, I feel like, is not the same.

Yeah, this girl walked by who was clearly a hooker or something, just joke of proportions. And he rolled down the window and was like, yo, girlie, let at you and she was like she i watched her give her phone to him like he probably just put her number his number in like gave it back and i think that's why you do it you're gonna attract that girl and it's instant access like she's not gonna be like who are you what are you doing it's like if you have a lambo you're good but i'm not trying to attract that girl and i don't want to pay that money it's like if you want that lifestyle that that's the way to do it. But that ain't funny. I think about it like almost like being the guy who like has his shirt off where like – not at the beach. At like a time where you're like –

Like if you're at like a Cleveland Indians baseball game and you're a blogger and you pop the top off the tan. Like in a location where it's not insane to be the guy with the shirt off. But just a little off. Yeah, but it's a little off. And like if you see a guy like that who's ripped, you're like, fucking douchebag. But that's because if I... Yeah, I would do it too.

I would probably do that too. But that's not the way I feel with the Ferrari. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was saying. But even when I said I would pop the top off, maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't, but I'm jealous of the ability to do so. Whereas, yeah, I'm not even jealous.

There was a guy at the bar at Tequila Chicas where we were doing radio all week. And he was walking around with his shirt off. And it's like a beach bar in Miami. It's not crazy to be there with your shirt off. But it was still like, I mean, there's no reason to have your shirt off. But, I mean, you might have to buy it. I probably wouldn't have it off everywhere I could, too. Right, right, right, right.

We don't. We don't, right, right. We don't. We don't, by the way. We are not in Miami shape. Feidelberg makes me feel tan. You are. Those legs are fucking cream cheese. My legs have not seen the sun in years. I wear pants in the summer.

Yeah. I mean, I guess that really is the difference. Like, years. I don't go to the beach. I don't wear shorts. I mean, you've gone to Newport a couple times recently, though. Like, in the summers. You don't go much more. But, like, when you go, you don't, like, wear a bathing suit to the beach. I don't wear shorts. I mean, you've gone to Newport a couple times recently, though. Like in the summers, you don't go much more. But like when you go, you don't wear a bathing suit to the beach or something like that?

I probably don't go to the beach. Yeah, so you just go to drink and then hang out. I hang out by the water a lot, but I don't really go to a beach. The thing is, when you get older, you're not going in the ocean. You know what I mean? You're not like, I'm going to boogie board. Or even, I'll go in the ocean. I'll go jump off that cliff before I go to the beach.

But then you're wearing shorts then. No, you wear pants? I guess I'm wearing shorts then. But it's pretty quick. It's like walk from the car, jump off. I don't even break stride. I don't wear shoes out of the car. I don't break stride.

Then you get up and just walk back and you're gone? Yeah, that's it. You're going to die doing that. Probably. That will be your death. People do die doing that. Yeah, that will be your downfall. It won't be like he died doing what he loves. It will be like he died doing that. Probably. That will be your death. People do die doing that. Yeah, that will be your downfall.

And it won't be like he died doing what he loves. It'll be like he died doing what he did. He didn't go out of it. It's not like tragic, like, wow, I can't believe he decided to climb a mountain. It's going to be like, I can believe he jumped off of cliffs. He didn't really have to. He didn't really love it, but he died doing that. Died doing what he did.

Put that on the tombstone. We got Tom Papa on the show. Funny comedian, New York City guy. Been in the game for a minute. Got his start with Jerry Seinfeld. I sat down for an interview with him. I believe fights at that point was pooping his pants. Yeah, I was.

You guys got a story out of me missing that interview. But Tom told me an awesome story about, I mean, when you're in Seinfeld's inner circle it's wild and that's like being part of like you know the Illuminati I can't even imagine

there is like an inner circle there's like three friends yeah it's not even a circle it's like an inner triangle yeah but so some interesting stuff from Tom's life

with life interactions with Jerry so we'll talk to him but first we gotta get into our voicemails voicemails today are brought to you by Tommymmy john thomas john uh i feel like are you at the point where you when you hear tommy john do you think underwear or surgery uh underwear yeah i think it's close

it's close it's close yeah you know given circumstances and whatnot yes but like you know prior to these guys tommy john met one thing and one thing only and they've come in they've stolen the market share on the Tommy John name. And so when I hear them now, I think of comfortable underwear, comfortable t-shirts. And I think of a little sexy time because Valentine's Day is coming. And so for Valentine's Day, you got to make sure your underwear game is on point. Guys or girls. You can't be rolling up to V-Day with holes in your underpants, as Pauly Fights would say.

So you've got to make sure both you guys are looking sexy and looking proud and looking hot. And so right now there's the Valentine's Day gift sets. And you can get 20% off these gift sets when you go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC. So you can get a pair for him. You can get a pair for her. And all of them. I almost feel like we get robbed, and this is why. I mean, I know you're going to agree with me on this one.

We just got to start wearing thongs. I've been asking that for so long. Since Tommy John started advertising. I know you guys listen to these advertisers. Send us a thong! I know you listen to the readings. Send us men's thongs. Send me a thong.

Women's thong, men's thong, I don't care. I personally care. I would like a men's thong. Thongs are unisex as far as I'm concerned. Send me a fucking thong to wear as my underpants. I mean business, Tommy John. It's only like three years. How many times do I have to do this?

We have sold them probably millions of pairs of underwear. We're asking for one thong. Two thongs. Send them over. One will suffice. We'll just share it. Notch. Shotgun.

And then we can share the thong, okay? I get to wear it first. That, yo, remember how... Let me finish the ad first. TommyJohn.com slash KFC. You can get your thongs and get your boxers 20% off. TommyJohn.com slash KFC. Remember how we talk about how girls' underwear is hot when they're wearing it and then it's not afterwards?

I mean, I feel like it's got to be even worse if it's a dude. Why? I've seen my underwear multiple times. You don't have underwear that goes up your asshole, though. Yeah, but like. Do you think that girl's underwear is grosser because of their pussy or their butt? Yeah, it is their pussy. Because it's going up their pussy.

And their pussy is just open. It's just open. It's just open. Yeah, my butt hole usually is broken. He said usually. I have to. I mean, I have to make sure I don't get old days together. Usually, yeah.

Two weeks ago, you could have said always. Now it's usually. Now it's like, yeah. Now sometimes it gets left ajar. The cat snuck in, man. The dog got out because the door was left open, man. Holy shit. That is so funny that you are like the

poop guy now after never i mean anti-poop guy forever and now like you you know when people talk about like funny poop stories you got like the one i you're the one i got another one i know i mean it's not that bad it's not that bad did you's not that bad. Did you shit yourself a fifth time? No, no, no. The exact opposite. Okay. I thought I was never going to poop again. That led to my discomfort at watching the Super Bowl. You had to shit. I had to shit before the game, before it came.

And I was trying, and I just couldn't. This is so disgusting. Like, I was. Yeah, by the way, you're still the poop guy. Whether or not you can or can't poop when you're talking about it, you're the poop guy. I was on the toilet, and, like, it was there. It just wouldn't fit out.

That's how it works when you can't poop. It doesn't get through the hole. I probably could have touched it. If I wanted to, I probably could have touched it. Like it was hanging out or you could have gone in? The door was open. It was blocked off. I can't believe I'm telling this story.

I can't believe it either. Do you know how bad we've gotten? The producer cam He's not even fazed, he's just texting now You're talking like a baby's head When it's crowning during birth It was there So that was like right about then Is when the doctor goes

One more push and it's coming But it wasn't coming And I was like one more push and it's coming And I almost made myself pass, if shit is coming, I just might be my own doctor. And then I almost made myself pass out. Your veins are popping out. You're starting to see sparks and shit. I was just sitting there on the toilet like a boxer who was punch drunk.

I was like, all right, the game's about to start. I got to just lock it up. And then came here sitting the whole time with just a belly full of poop. Oh, man. And was like, I got home. I was like, all right, I can't go to bed like this. I got to get up because who knows what happens once I fall asleep. One, two, Freddy's coming for you.

So I did the same thing, almost passed out again. Like, I mean, it was like I couldn't see straight. It was, I was sweating. And then I was like, all right, one more. We can get one more shot. And then, I don't know, I guess I have to go get surgery in the morning, get it all removed. And gave it one more, one more even. One gates?

We were good. I think we'll edit that whole thing out. I long to do an episode where I don't have a poop story. You and me both, brother. You and me both. As well as the hundreds of thousands at home. Voicemails, please, mercifully, give me voicemails. Yeah. You know you're in a bad spot where you're like,

mercifully, give me the voicemails. These girls are like, anyway, I couldn't take a shit last night. KFC Fights, BC. I had to pause the podcast to call because this may be a dumb question, but with the throwing out the poop boxers, how do washing machines actually clean stuff? Because I feel like throw them out because then the poop that's all over it is just going to get poop particles on all your other clothes.

How does that not happen? That's why I told you to throw them out. Regular washing machines are not super great. How do all not happen? That's why I told you to regular washing machines are not like super great. Like how do all the poop particles not get all around in the water and then get poop particles all over your other clothes?

The pee pee. Or just poop particles on all the pairs of boxers at Fights Dirty this week. Yeah. Yeah, but here's the deal. I also thought Fights was looking super skinny in

Miami and now I know because he's just been shitting himself so much. I'm a girl who calls guys fat, so like Maybe I take that back No alright Fuck you Here's the deal

I mean Yeah that water Is just like Warm poop water With soap Like how all this Got started Guess what girls

If you're cleaning Your fucking thongs True Then you're just Getting pussy particles All over the place On everything It's true

If you think Washing machines Are clean enough to clean your thongs, they're clean enough to get more poop than there should be. A slightly excessive amount of poop. More than usual. There's definitely significantly more than usual. It really is the most great unspoken thing that girls have just fucking disgusting underwear. Ugh, gross.

That's like the's that's that's like the biggest revelation when you move in with a girl you're like wait a minute what was that i i've had girls forget their underwear in my compartment before uh not to brag and uh it's no i don't even i i kick it yeah i kick it into my uh into the fireplace into my hamper and i just bring the whole hamper to the cleaning lady you do it yeah this is your thing i'm not touching this shit like you ever think you ever think that like uh professional cleaning companies that they must use gloves and shit right like they're not they're not just reaching their hands into my clothes and putting them in the washing

machine i don't know they shouldn't be they are they got poop on their hands i might leave some of the suggestion box. Like, you guys should be wearing gloves when you handle me. John goes to the washing pool, gives them a brick of laundry and some yellow gloves. You're going to need these. I think in general, though, the idea of the washing machine always kind of puzzles me a little bit. I mean, it's like, you know, a bar of soap can't get dirty. We all know that.

That's science. But can, like, you know, bar of soap can't get dirty. We all know that. That's science. But can like hot water. I guess it probably does something where it washes, drains, and washes again. If I had to guess. I don't think it does. You think it's just one set of water? I think that makes more sense. But I do not think it does that.

I think it fills up, goes, And then shuffles them around. Drains out. And then more hot water. Is that how it works? Yeah? I think so. Oh, really? But does the second round of water come with soap?

No, because you put the soap in. Right, so that's what I mean. Well, you need two washes, really. There's a rinse. Right, there is a rinse. So you need two washes, really. There's a rinse. Right. There is a rinse. I don't know for sure. But so if you get – if you wash out the poop, but it jumbles around the poop, that needs to drain.

Then we need another round of water with soap to clean away, and then by then the poop on it calls are gone that's what you need you need to i'll tell you what you need to do you need not shit your pants like like maytag or whatever is like well we're not accounting for people who can't control their own asshole if you shit yourself you're out of luck bottom line learn how to control your butt and then you can clean your clothes sweat andat and stains, fine. Shit, no. I'll wear this. I probably should have thrown them away.

I just didn't even think about it. And I also have an excessive amount of underwear. I don't have best underwear. I would have no problem losing these underwear for my life. For some reason, I just eventually went, all right, wash dirty clothes. That's the one thing. When you acquire as much bullshit clothes as we do, the only thing you need is underwear. Yeah.

I'm at the point, I don't know if I would even need to do laundry for a couple months if I had underwear. I completely agree with that. If I went deep, maybe I'll try to do this. I'm going to try to do this. Yeah. But if I- This sounds like when you started your sne do this. Yeah. But if I... This sounds like you were when you started your sneaker countdown. And by the end of that,

you were like, guess what? Wish I didn't have to keep doing this. Yeah. If I were to wear a new shirt, even just like a new t-shirt, new something every day, I think I could last like six months.

I bet I could get through... I feel like I have 180 shirts. I bet I could get through over a year. You think? Yep. Absolutely. You think you have 400 400 shirts i think i have over 400 shirts yes wow where do you put them all just on the floor i have i have i have oddly enough like a walk-in closet i have a human my closet's like bigger than my bedroom where's your closet it's not in my bedroom okay that's that's why i was like i don't even know where it is no you dress in the middle of the hallway yeah grown man dresses in the middle, can't control his own lights.

Do you know that, Brenton? I feel like he does not control his own light. He has a fake wall. I heard that, but I heard that very recently. When you turn on the light in the living room, John could be fast asleep, snuggle up at night, and the light goes on in his room. Yeah. And guess what?

Most of the time, it's not going to wake me up. But it is. If I'm not fully asleep yet, I'm like, oh, come on. Come on. You ought to be kidding me. Turn it on the light in the living room. What are they doing, guys? 9.30 p.m. on a Tuesday.

Turn lights on. Next stop. What's up, boys? Listen to y'all's podcast from Miami right now and I just heard KFC bring up how he lost contact in his phone. Feels like he's the only one that

has ever had that happen in a long time. I lost mine about two weeks ago, so I know how it feels. Got a little would you rather for you. So would you rather never be able to save a contact in your phone? So you have to memorize the people you always talk to, memorize their phone numbers if you ever have to call anyone. Basically, you just can't save the name to the number.

Or never be able to text. Ever. Let me know. I mean, I we're here and i fall on this one i feel you don't care about either of these uh no i care about the the numbers saving numbers because it's been tough because i don't because here's the deal if i can't save numbers then when i do have to text i have to be like, who is it? It's like four or five texts to get into the conversation.

I had the worst time imaginable for no contacts was when the news was announced and I was getting a lot of people either congratulating and or coming out of the woodwork because of good news. So I had a lot of people some people that I wouldn't have even yeah so i had a lot of people some

people that i wouldn't have even had their contacts but a lot of people who i should have and sometimes i can guess you know look at your area code look at the tone i figure it out but i had to send so many like thank you so much appreciate the support also by the way who is this because i lost my my contacts restoring my phone and it was dead ass honest i didn't like delete your number i didn't forget it but inherit i said this to you guys inherently the who is this text message is disrespectful you could have the a completely valid reason that they even know is valid but they're gonna feel like a chump writing back and then also they're gonna make a joke like oh guys and it's like no

just say what you want to say say the fucking name I'm almost thinking we should get to a point I mean not really because I'm the only person this has happened to in like 10 years But I think everybody should just sign off their texts like dads Just like a dash with a name You never know who might have lost their contacts Just do that for me please because I've lost all my contacts You know what I tweeted it out I said anybody

Who has my contact Text me right now with your number Like three people did it I was like fuck you guys come on I said, anybody who has my contact, text me right now with your number. Like three people did it. I was like, fuck you guys. Come on. I don't get why phone numbers are the only thing that don't have an identity tagged to it. Like if somebody DMs you, it's from an account.

That's true. It's like your number. Your number should say at Fights Barstool. You know? Yeah, you have to give up some anonymity, I guess. But it's just like your identity should be tagged to the number. I was thinking, are we going to get to a point where, like, I feel like Facebook was trying to do this, where they were trying to just, like, engulf the whole internet. Where it's just like, when I get on the World Wide Web, I am KFC Barstool. Like, everything I do.

And I feel like the problem is there, like, if something goes wrong with that, then you lose like everything. But wouldn't it be nice to kind of like everything is unlocked by like, and I guess security problems. Like if someone figures out one password they figure out your whole life. But if I could just like be KFC Barstool on my phone, on my bills, on my social media, on my this, my that. I mean, that's what they kind of say

like blockchain is. Yeah. Like you'd have eventually that would become all into your accounts and whatnot. Yeah. Like you'd have eventually that would become all into your accounts and whatnot. Yeah. Well, I recently gave in to the face unlock.

I was like wary of that because I was like, you're going to scan my face many, many times and then you're going to be able to do that. What's that company now that can just like put your face

on anything? But I was like, they can be scanning my face without that. The face ID. Every time you're looking at your phone, they're scanning it.

So they're not. But now you can link your Apple Pay to that. So when you're paying, you can just scan your face. Yeah. I mean, that's the problem. You get beat up and someone just holds the fucking phone in front of your face and they buy a Lamborghini. But I'm at the point. I have changed so many passwords. I have lost at the point. I have changed so many passwords.

I have lost all my contacts. I have different IDs. I'll risk it all if you could just give me one goddamn login. And I'll make it a password like fucking Miami Hammies, where there's a bunch of random letters and numbers. We'll figure it out. But if I could just unlock everything with one shot, I'd do it. You want to know something I've done in regards to the phone numbers?

So I have one of my best friends from high school, and he's recently started texting me more often. Fucking asshole. I've been replying and laughing, joking, stuff like that. And then eventually, when I went down to Miami, I got a text from him with his full name. And I was like... So you've been texting the wrong guy the whole time? And then I Googled... Some Frankie Borelli shit.

I went to go check the other number. It's an upstate New York number. Not from upstate New York. I'm never going to find out who that is. I'm still just going to keep texting that person, like, pretending it's my high school friend. Whatever they say, I'll just assume it's my high school friend on the other end. He clearly has the same sense of humor.

It's been going on. That's like what Frankie had. It's been going on for months. It was me and my high school buddy talking. It's not at all. I have no idea who it is. But obviously he knows enough about you that you got the vibe that it was, or no, you're just talking about surface stuff.

Yeah, but pretty – like stuff you – like a lot of Barstool stuff. Right. So like a Barstool fan who keeps up with current events. You'd be able to do it. Right, right. Yeah. But I just thought it was him, and it's not. And it's way too deep now to ask who it is.

Way too deep. Like way, way too deep. You need to pull like a I i lost my phone you know can you give me contacts sort of thing like who is this yeah he probably listens to this show i was gonna say not now you're fucked but you could have done that like he i mean this guy is i cannot wait for the reveal because he does listen to this i don't know that if we're ever gonna get it he you don't text me a lot from barstool radio do you think he's too embarrassed to say i don't i have kevin i have no idea who could possibly be but i'm saying he's listening to this so you think he texted me about more barstool radio than kfc radio i'm gonna go say it on

barstool radio i'm gonna say this tomorrow and i'm gonna make sure this guy texts you going are you fucking kidding me we've been talking for six months yeah we've been talking for a long time now if he's if he truly is one of your friends he'll just like and he's truly like a feidelberg kind of guy he'll just be like we're gonna roll with this yeah yeah you guys are just pen pals you're like anonymous pen pals completely anonymous not enough one way 50 anonymous yeah i don't even i don't know whose number i would have from upstate new york no. It might be like a fucking random stoolie, like someone you don't even know. But why would I save it as like my best friend's nickname? I mean, that's probably also his name.

It just happens to have the same name. Yeah, that's probably exactly what it is. It's just Abraham shortened. It's just Abe's. I love. One of my favorite things about feidelberg because there's like only one person left in the world is when you people admit they're wrong or like you you know what i mean like he'll just be like oh yeah i never thought about that okay i changed my opinion like he just said so defiantly well why would it be this way and you gave like a perfectly rationalized way she's like oh yeah you're right yeah yeah that makes perfect sense more than one person can have

the same name okay yeah yeah but how about this if you say the same situation happens to you you get a text from somebody random and and you said sorry i lost my contacts who is this if they just said one name would you go a step further like if if they were like it's Frankie would you just be like okay that's it I felt embarrassed about asking who's this

so I'm not gonna ask like Frankie who motherfucker yeah I know that would be like then I would just be like I have a friend named Frank I don't know who he is

I have a friend named Frank from Long Island I don't know which one it is but okay oh man I would have given anything to have John I have a friend named Frank from Long Island. I don't know which one it is, but okay. Oh, man. I would have given anything to have the look on John's face when that text came in that said, like, maybe, colon, with that person. Yeah.

Like, what? What? I was like, boy. All right. Next up. But it wasn't a maybe. It was just his. I had his contact scene. It was just his full name. Oh, I thought you'd wasn't a maybe. It was just his... I had his contact scene. It was just his full name.

Oh, I thought you'd sometimes get the maybe. No, I just had his number. Oh, wow. So you've just been... Yeah. Samsonite. Way off. Because he had moved to Florida, so I figured it was...

I don't know how. I was just like, oh, maybe I've re-saved his number under a different name. Yeah, yeah. And it was just like, nope. Nah. That's it. Nah, bro. Here I am.

We've not been talking that much. Alright, last voice mail before Tom Papa. What do we got? Hi KFC Fight, Super Producer BC. First time long time. Had a shower thought here and it's not quite a hypothetical but do you think there's ever been a day

since you've learned how to speak that you did not say a single word? And a weekend of TV for fights won't count if you include any thank yous to delivery people or bodega people. I'm curious to hear what you guys think. Thanks. Viva. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah. Basically Friday through Monday. Every week. Half my life. Yeah, probably starting Friday night around 6 p.m. until Monday when we record

the podcast. There's very few words that are said. It's been a while for me, but I do think it's happened. Yeah, I mean, obviously that's an exaggeration, but the... It's definitely... I would not... I would say it happens monthly. That's crazy.

I go a full day without talking. Probably once a month. I feel like I used to – working from home, it was like I would – maybe not always, but like my first words would be spoken at like 7 p.m. Yeah. Like if I had a day, I would work from home and I didn't go out and see friends before I lived with Caitlin or anyone. I guess I always had roommates, but there would be times I'd probably just lock my room. I have roommates. I don't talk to them.

Right, right. My roommates were always like my best, best friends, and so I feel like I would talk to them a lot. But it's definitely happened, not regularly, but I could see you doing it frequently. Yeah. No, like every weekend was a joke, but I would guarantee you doing it frequently. Yeah. No, like, the, you know, every weekend was a joke, but I would guarantee you it happens monthly. Yeah, there's got to be some times too, like, you know, hungover, partied all night long, so I need to sleep half the day.

Yeah, yeah. Wake up, eat some dinner, go back to bed. And, like, I was, even if I wanted to talk, I was only basically functioning for, like, two hours. If I didn't come in yesterday for the Super Bowl, it would have happened yesterday. Right. Yeah. If I didn't come in for come in yesterday for the super it would have happened yesterday right yeah if i didn't come in for the super bowl live stream it would have happened yesterday i woke up at 3 p.m i went to bed at 10 30 p.m woke up at 3 p.m and god damn

i haven't done that in so long i slept into today i woke up at like nine and i was like whoa whoa shit like what i had some texts i was like what happened like what am i doing you know i was like, whoa, shit. Like, what? I had some texts. I was like, what happened? Like, what am I doing? You know, I was like, I got to get up. I got to get in. I don't know why I'm worried about it. But yeah, if I slept till three. It was, I mean, it was the latest. We should try to do that.

Like, we should have like a no words challenge day. Like on a weekend, we pick a day. And we can tweet and text and shit, but like no speaking. Yeah, it's more of a challenge for me than you. Yeah, okay. I'll watch a bunch of movies on my fucking couch. Great fucking challenge, Kevin. Yeah.

You know what we should do? I'm a veteran in this challenge. You should walk a mile in my shoes. You got to like answer all my texts and all my phone calls and all my shit like that you know i passed that so fucking hard yeah my god like it like so many of the text i was i get a lot of texts and i only learned that after not having my contacts and so many of them i could just not reply to but i do but like there's always why do you why do you think it is that you get so many texts just because i reply yeah if i if i didn't reply like you're like a good person, though, too.

I don't know about good. You try to help out people. I don't know about all that. I'm pretty much sickest. I've always said this with a lot of younger Barstool employees. Yeah, they'll come to me. They'll kind of ask you for tips and stuff like that. Right.

Yeah, I'll reply to those. I'm also like, you know, i got a few texts when all the news went down of like the guys who own like wrath bones and the guys who i used to do parties with back in the day and like i don't see them anymore or have to talk to them but i i feel like if i ever had like one good memory with you i'll like always like yeah i'm like what's up man how are you you know and it's like so there's a lot of those you know there's been a lot of you know when you're 35 there's a lot of experiences a lot of shit. There's been a lot of – when you're 35, there's a lot of experiences, a lot of shit. And so I'll always kind of like remember that or whatever. But it's a bear to keep up with.

I feel like if I ever said you get to reply to all my texts today, you'd be like floored. I would like – I guess it would probably just – I'd try and – if I had your phone and I was in charge of it, I would try and get KFC canceled. Just so like people would just like disassociate. So he's like persona non grata. I ain't texting that guy ever again. Like we did a podcast challenge and John tweeted out the N word. Because by the time he woke up at 930 a.m., there were too many texts. He's like, that's it.

I'm not dealing with this. We're out. KFC, Barcelona's canceled. Oh, man. Sabotage because of a dumb 24-hour challenge. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there at home just trying. I do the Feidelberg. I'm just trying not to talk to someone.

Just like, I got to say something to somebody. I got to talk to somebody. All right, let's get into Tom Papa. Very funny comedian. OG, New Yorker. Really nice guy. Like I said, Jerry Seinfeld's dude back Very funny comedian. OG, New Yorker. Really nice guy. Like I said, Jerry Seinfeld's dude back in the day. He went on tour with him.

Got some great Seinfeld stories. And his special is out now. You can catch it. So take a listen to this interview. And we'll catch you guys later this week for another edition of KFC Radio. All right, let's get right into it. Tom Papa is here. New special coming out.

You're doing great on Netflix. I would imagine we've done a lot of comedians on the show in recent years, and I get the feeling that putting on a special is always kind of a big deal. Yeah. I wonder a lot of comedians we've been talking to are new or younger or putting out their first specials. Right. And you've been in the game for a while.

Does it still have that same like, holy shit, we're putting this piece out or is it just kind of business as usual yeah no it's definitely it you know you know it definitely gets heightened you don't you still have like you know this is two years of material that you've been right cranking out and doing all around the country and getting it you know in shape and you know it's like anything that you make it's like at a certain point you just have to put it out there right and but it is what it is yeah but you could keep working on it for another year you always could right always always we were just talking yesterday on the show about uh taylor swift her last album you know she took like an extensive period off

like longer than usual yeah and then her first single people didn't like and i was like take like two plus years off. You put this out and everyone's like, this song sucks, we hate you. I know, it's so brutal. Yeah, I mean, it's cutthroat. And that's the thing. It's like anybody that creates anything,

like even up at her level, it's like you're still nervous because you don't know how people are going to receive it. So that was my next question. Is the correct word nervous? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I hope by now you're not nervous about comedy, are you? I'm not nervous about doing my act, no.

But just the reception. Yeah, but you get a little nervous. You want people to like it. And the hardest part is, you know, whenever you do anything, you want everyone to like it. You don't want one person to not like it. Right. Well, so I find I tend to be, what's the softer word for this? Polarizing, we'll say.

There's definitely a handful of people who don't like me. And it's funny when I – I've just come to embrace that trait. But it's – you would prefer it to be that way. But do you thrive on it? Well, kind of. I'll be like – as long as I'm getting a reaction. Indifference is what you don't want. It's like, no, what you want is everyone to fucking like you.

That's just an excuse you make if people say they don't like your stuff well hey listen as long as you have an opinion i'm you know but there is definitely the thing especially with what you do where if people aren't getting a little pissed off certain number of people then you're kind of not making noise well that's that's what i usually lean into like hey listen i'm here to you know i'm gonna give you my opinion and if you disagree with it like that's good too right right but as far as liking it i definitely want and if you disagree with it, that's good too. Right, right. But as far as liking it, I definitely want everyone to like it or get it or whatever it may be. That's a difference, right. If somebody's just like, no, you're wrong about this and just blast you, that's one thing.

Right. And they're like, I don't like your face. I really hope you have AIDS and die. It's like, hey, wait a minute. How did we get to there? It was a pretty big jump. Yeah. So, I mean, you've been in the game what how long now uh about 23 23 20 i mean pushing 20 the 25th anniversary yeah is uh pretty exciting

it's a long time in the game it's my whole grown-up life yeah really i mean that's it's your entire adult life is cracking jokes yeah exactly i started with seinfeld went on tour with seinfeld i started with but you had a that was my big break right was was definitely hooking up with him i would imagine yeah yeah you know you're kind of like muddling along when you're a young comic you're just kind of trying to figure out how to do what you're doing yeah and you're also want trying to get acceptance getting people putting on shows and you just kind of lost everybody everybody and he showed up at the at stand-up new york one night when i was on stage and he complimented me when i came off and said you're really funny and this is right after like the height of his show when he was first coming back to stand up in new york

and then he saw me the next night and then we just became like pals and i just hung on to him hang on for dear life i was like i'm not i'm gonna be your friend yeah i realize i'll be your butler what do you want jerry yeah let's go and i learned so much and then everybody around got the idea that oh jerry's kind of endorsing this guy and that started opening up doors for me on like the late night shows right and all that stuff but man i think the biggest part was just learning from him. So when you say learning, I'm always interested in that from a comics point of view because, you know, I guess you can learn, what, delivery and timing

and certain things like that, but you've got to have your own material. No, yeah, it's not that. It's learning how to manage your business, how to go to work. The business side of things, right. That it was a craft. Like he loves being a comedian so much. And he just really dedicates all of his time and energy to being a great comedian. Yeah.

And that, when you're in the comedy cellar and people are getting high and drinking all night. And you're like, I don't know if this is going to help me get better. Got it. And then he walks in and it's like, oh, no. Like I should be writing every day. I should be like showing up early for the shows. I should be structuring my sets and doing all this stuff. Kind of like the off the court, if you will.

Right. Yeah, totally. Off the stage. Totally. Yeah. And on stage, you know, he would it was kind of impressive. Like he would give me a change in a joke, just like one word. Yeah, it makes all the difference.

And I was like, that's not going to mean anything. And then you do it makes all the difference and i was like that's not gonna mean anything and then you do it and you're like damn it he's right yeah that's like that's so much funnier yeah i mean if there's one person right right exactly you know he's got to be on a short list of that he can count on one hand of guys that you want to show you the ropes or teach you the way exactly i mean he he's a tough cookie i feel like you know just watching comedians cars and all that stuff you know it's a high bar he's not gonna he's not gonna throw you a pity laugh he's not gonna tell you you're funny if you're not he keeps it very real man when some of the most uncomfortable moments are when we were on tour and we'd be like just running into people

like in an elevator or something and they put out a lame joke to make him laugh and he calls him out he just like you know how you get nervous and you're like you fake laugh to make them feel yeah of course he won't throw the bone nothing and you're sitting in the elevator in silence and you're like this guy just bombed in front of one of the greatest comedians and he's not letting him off the hook yeah that's it he's almost insulted yeah i, I feel like it's maybe like I put in so much work to be funny, to get that laugh. I'm not going to just give you one

if you suck at it. That's exactly it. That's an interesting thought. But that's, you know, like you said, a tough cookie. Yeah. Even though I feel the same way. Yeah, just give him a chuckle.

Yeah. Nice try. Well, I would imagine though, and the reason I'll throw that laugh is because i kind of want one in return and i'm not the funniest person in the world but yeah but when you arguably are you're like listen i'm not gonna fucking laugh unless it's funny i'm not yeah no he's tough he's tough but the other part of it is if you do make him laugh it's the greatest thing in the world when you get like a real belly laugh from him it's that's that's when you know i mean that's you write that one down like put that into the set yeah um i i i saw the clip you

that you most recently put up for you're doing great um yeah we just posted it yesterday kind of busting balls about your uh your kids and raising a mean girl and how entitled they are uh yeah i got a four-year-old and a two-and-a- and a half year old Oh yeah boys girls Four year old's a girl Young guy's a boy And so When I first found out I was going to be a dad We actually created a podcast here Called the Podfathers

There was no material out there That was keeping it very real When it came to kids Here's a book for dudes by dudes And you open it up and it's like still just generic trash whatever yeah it's very it's it's always good to hear someone who is honest about being a dad or honest about their kids being a pain in the ass or whatever it may be uh but i recently ran into i was i was tweeting about i had i had a five-day stint with my kids like solo no nanny no mom no nothing and i was joking the whole time about how

fucking hard it is the amount of people though who were like why are you complaining about taking care of your kids you're a bad dad and i'm like it's the one it's one of the i shouldn't say the one but it's it's one of the realms where i feel like there's just no sense of humor oh i know it's just like you make a joke or or i put a picture up where the the strap on their car seat's not perfect yeah calling the police it. I don't know. I mean, look, it is a realm for people to have a sense of humor about it.

There are definitely people like us who are like, yeah, who totally get it. Then there's other ones who are just like, meh, wow, you're a dad. Oh, it's hard because you have five days. Your wife does it all the time. Fuck off.

She should complain too. Everybody should complain. This shit sucks. It's hard. It's so hard. And your stage – I see people like with kids that age and I don't even really remember it. Yeah. It's like –

How old are yours now? It's like war. It really – You have like amnesia. You black it out. Yeah, your brain doesn't want to relive it Oh and I see people Getting in

My kids are 17 and 14 now Alright so you're like They're people Yeah And like we roll Through the airport They just walk on And ignore us

With their airpods That's what I can't wait for Can't wait for my kids To ignore me It's such a dream The What did If you can remember

Because I can totally Understand blacking it out What was like The one or two things You hated the most Fatherhood wise Like doing for can remember Because I can totally understand Blacking it out What was like The one or two things You hated the most Fatherhood wise Like doing for your kids Because I got mine

Hands down The car seat The car seat I was just going to say The car seat Oh my god The day that those fuckers Can just get in the car

By themselves Oh man When they have the winter coats on And they can't get the straps in I'm like I'm just going to put you On top of the car I don't care

Oh and And getting breakfast in the morning. The food, yes. Eating these fucking things. The first day I heard them, my daughter wake up

and hear boom, boom, boom across the kitchen and then we heard a bowl come out and then we heard cereal going into the bowl.

We're like, oh, we both held each other's hands. We're like, is she going to do it? And then spilt the milk all over the place. But that was like progress. We're like, we both held each other's hands. We're like, is she going to do it? And then spilt the milk all over the place. But that was like progress. It was like, oh my

God, they're moving along. It's crazy we as a species, you know, every other animal pops out and starts hunting and living on your own. Babies, we're dead until you're like 11. You've got those useless fat legs. Bow-legged knees. Fat everywhere. Horrible haircuts fat legs can't move leg and knees fat everywhere haircuts

it can't do anything but it all and then you combine all of those when you would travel like a flight like we were back and forth from new york to la all the time because we had family here and different things would take us out over there and And we literally, like when you would have to feed them, like get an early flight and go feed them, get their strollers broken down, get all this stuff, we would be sweating,

full on sweat. And we haven't even gotten the car on the way to the airport. We haven't even started the travel. Yeah. I mean, literally just sweating and bringing extra clothes and they're throwing up on the plane.

And it's so insane just drug them there was one time when my daughter was teething and we had a flight going across country and we were on jet blue and she's just in pain like she's just it was so cruel like the pressure and her thing and everybody on the plane was like she's just screaming the whole six hours, just screaming to the point where a flight attendant slipped us some Jack Daniels. Really? Hit the guns? Yeah. And we were kind of frantic and didn't know what to do.

And my daughter's literally holding two Jack Daniels up and screaming. People are yelling, drink it! Drink it! I can relate. I can relate to being totally fucking miserable with my Jack Daniels in my hand. Oh, God, it was brutal. That's something that I've – I tried to not let becoming a dad – I don't think being a parent is your identity or your personality.

It's a big part of it. You grow and evolve. a dad like i don't think you know being a parent is your identity or your personality yeah it's like some you know it's a big part of it yeah you grow and evolve but you don't forget or change you know who you were yeah and then you know the little things the big things of course but one of the main things i feel like i used to probably complain about as a young dude would be like a crying baby on a plane like yeah why do they even allow kids on the plane and all this shit and then i have them and i'm like oh i don't. Listen, I don't want to hear it either. I've been listening to the crying for... That's fine, but it's not yours. More than you.

Yeah, yeah. It's not your problem. Right, right. Yeah. I've learned to sympathize much more with scenes like that. A hundred percent. Or like, you know,

why do you have to breastfeed in public? It's like, I don't... Who fucking cares? Yeah. Get the food in this kid. Who fucking cares? They are fighting for their lives. Whatever they have to do.

This is literal survival mode. I mean, if a baby is crying on a plane, it's because they're unhappy. This is a miserable situation. We should all be crying on the plane. Honestly, it's a great way to think of it. It's like this kid, you're looking at a baby who's in agony or discomfort or something. And you're just complaining about your plane ride. Fuck off.

You're a sick pup. Yeah, you're attacking a baby. You're attacking a baby. You're attacking a baby. We're not doing it on purpose. We're going 500 miles an hour through the sky hoping not to cry. We should all be crying. We're on a fucking death trap as it is, right?

This guy's complaining about the baby, but meanwhile he's saying prayers into his Bloody Mary and just hoping he gets back on the ground. Yeah, no. When I see people go through... one time I saw a family. This is while I was in the throes of it, but I was traveling by myself. And you're always complaining. You're like, life is hard when I've got to travel with my kids and all that stuff.

And I saw a family of little people with their – like the parents trying to, like six of them. And they're trying to like climb up on the stools. And they're like, I was like, and get through the Esca and carrying the luggage. And I was like, you know what? It could always be worse.

Always. Someone's always got it harder. Always be worse. And even like I said, I did four or five days and I was complaining. And I thought, I think being a stay at home parent is the craziest fucking thing in the world. I salute you.

I tip my cap to you. I know it was probably more common back in the day. But now, first of all, I don't know how you have enough money. You have two incomes. And I don't know how you keep your sanity 24 hours a day. And it's thankless. Nobody comes in and is like, hey, good job. And certainly not your kids.

With what we do, people are always like, hey, great show. Good job. People are online. Instant validation. Yeah, like, hey, you're kicking ass. Good job. That never happens. Yeah.

You know, my wife would be home with the kids and just like months and months and nobody ever stands up and is like, hey, good one. For you. Yeah, good job. Good one. Nope. It's crazy. I did like two weeks of paternity leave because I used to joke like oh i'll get a sugar mama i'm progressive like if she wants to make the money i'll stay at home and

watch tv and then i did two weeks in the beginning i was like i gotta get the fuck back to work yeah this life ain't for me if it is for you congrats like yeah because you're not a grown-up you're not talking to grown-ups oh my god you know you just didn't watch in the kids shows singing the kids songs but man it is the most rewarding thing yeah on the planet you know i feel like the buzzwords rewarding and fulfilling yeah there's meaning and it's like but it kind of those are kind of they're true it's real it might sound cliche it might sound corny but that's the only way to really describe it in a blink of an eye and i know it's cliche to say this also but my daughter's going to college next

year that little kid that you have like who just smells great who's in your house is all cuddly at night and squeezing you is now it's not gonna cost you a million dollars and packing up a suitcase and leaving she's going to leave i was like we didn't want this house we didn't want this dog we didn't even want to live in this town we did this for you and now you're fucking god you're gonna leave and devastate us i mean that is rough i mean that's that's the thankless you know it continues on are you still on the east coast uh no we're in la now yeah new york uh east coast like originally we were in new york yeah grew up in new jersey but lived our whole adult lives here in the city and then uh we were back and forth depending on what was going on what projects we had we would be in la it the city. And then we were back and forth, depending on what was going on,

what projects we had. We would be in L.A., we would be here, and we just were back and forth forever. And then the kids get tired. The kids all of a sudden want friends. I mean, what else are you looking for? Jeez. And we had to pull the trigger on one. When we were in New York, it was great.

They learned a lot. But, you know, it's a tighter space. Oh, yeah, you've got to get the hell out of here. You're swimming in the park. You're swimming in the fountain in Washington Square Park. You know what I mean? I was playing. My family was from the Bronx, so over the summer we're in a playground in the Bronx

with those fountains, a little play pad. I'm like, this has got Legionnaire's disease written all over it. What are we doing here? Why do I live here? You use syringes and use condoms. Your kids are like this this has got legionnaires disease written all over it like what are we doing here why do i live here syringes and used condoms kids like this they're like like you know drinking from the fountain like i'm like oh my god so wait uh i mean it's it's got to be weird to be like a lifelong new yorker and then go west coast it is weird is it i'm not one of these people i'm i'm life i'm born and bred in New York, but it's terrible. It's expensive.

It's crowded. It's dirty. It's tough. It's fast. It's all that shit. Yeah. Yet part of me still feels like, I ain't leaving. I'm not going anywhere else.

I know. But it's like, why not? Why not just go to the West Coast? It's beautiful. It's sunny. There's friends. There's nice people. Yeah.

I like both of them. I don't hate on LA like a lot of people from the East do. We're jealous. But when I'm here, I just feel at home. It's my rhythm. I love the energy. And that whole list of complaints about New York, they don't really bother me. The traffic or the people and the cold.

Oh, okay. You're a lunatic. I get it. Right. You know what I mean? Like, but there is also that part that I'm back and forth all the time. So I get to a release or a release or whatever.

Yeah. Well, I also think there's something about, um, you know, if you're in this business, a lot of material, you walk around,

it's like just on your commute, you're going to see some crazy. So this morning there was this guy, real little fella, not, he's probably a normal guy, but like five foot nothing. Right. Blackout drunk.

It was like 9 a.m. And he was laying in between the platform and the car. So the doors just couldn't close. Oh, my God. And he just wouldn't move. And eventually he stood up but was standing in the doorway. And there were people screaming like, you know, I'm going to be late. The MTA comes over.

She's calling on like her walkie-talkie that they need like actual police to come. And eventually this dude on the subway just shoves him out. And the doors closed and everyone started cheering. And I was just – and it was like, okay, keep it moving. Like, you know, that wasn't even that big of a deal. That's the best. And that stuff doesn't happen in LA because you're isolated. You're in your car.

Right. You don't end. So if you're in LA, you just have you, your friends, and your family, right? You're not bumping into strangers. You're not rubbing elbows or sharing space. No, you don't. And for sports, it's really the worst because just your AM station is the only thing, and it's not as good as the stuff here.

So you don't really get this. Like here, when you get to the playoffs or a big game or something, you walk around, you're hearing it on radio. The doorman wants to talk about it. The guy in the elevator. Everyone's well-informed. Everybody. It's like you know it's happening. It's alive.

It takes over. And I miss that. Who are your teams? Yankees, Giants, and Rangers. You're my mortal enemy. Am I? that. Yeah. Who are your teams? Yankees, Giants, and Rangers. You're my mortal enemy. Am I? Yeah. Nick's Jets Island.

Mets, Nets. Mets, Jets, Nick's Islanders. Did you grow up in Long Island? No. Actually, I was born in the Bronx. I'm behind enemy lines. My grandfather was such an asshole. What a dick he was.

What'd he do? He was so morally opposed to the designated hitter that he was like i'm not gonna root for the al i'm rooting for the nl i'm like fuck off oh he gave you a life of misery yeah now you're dead and gone and the dh is gonna take over and i'm rooting for this bullshit team like fuck you man that is the worst and not and not only uh they obviously been terrible but i was in the bronx with like just surrounded by yankee fans who just clowned me my whole life, and it just grew me to be an asshole. Just an asshole because of you. Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

My grandfather grew up in Hoboken during the Mickey Mantle, all of the Gehrig, all of that stuff. So that's what he passed on to me was just this love for it, and that's how we would communicate and talk. I would give anything to go back in time. I don't want to be a yankee fan because i mean by now i hate them so much yeah but like before my brain was formed to to know to hate them i would love to just be one and just not have to deal with this bullshit i totally get it like i totally get not wanting to root for the yankees but i love them so much it's just that's my main sport yeah it's like yeah i'm just so all in on baseball all the time. Were you mad about Jeter not being unanimous?

No, I wasn't. I actually thought there should have been 10 or 12 that say no. Thank you. It's kind of weird. Thank you for being the only level-headed Yankee fan maybe on the fucking planet right now. Mariano is so unique. That's such a freak.

So dominant, yeah. That that I get. But now to use that as like, that's going to be the benchmark for everybody? Yeah. No. That that I get. But now to use that as like that's going to be the benchmark for everybody? Yeah. No. No, I know. I agree. I agree.

And, you know, the numbers I think are there. I think he totally should go. But I don't think that – there's flaws in it. There's flaws in that argument. There is an argument to be made about his – you know, where he lacks. Yeah. It's not like he's totally – unanimous to me should be like completely bulletproof. Right.

And, you know, you can say he wasn't a great defender. You can say he didn't have much power. Right, exactly. And I always – I really do think if Derek Sanderson Jeter is drafted to the Cincinnati Reds, he's probably still a Hall of Famer with 3,000 hits and all that, but is he this icon? Yeah, no. No, those big moments. Right?

The women, the life, the aura about him. So solid. Yeah. I mean, we were so lucky to have him. It really was. It's not like he wasn't in the modern era, but if there was an athlete doing what he did off the field now, if it was one guy who dated Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande,

I mean, it would be, with social media and everything, it would be like they would never stop talking about that. I know. And for us, it was just like, oh, yeah, Jeet's got another girl. Oh, Mariah Carey. Oh, Jessica Alba. Whatever. No big deal. But he kept it so low-key.

So low-key. He was never partying. He was never at the clubs. I mean, when A-Rod came and it was just like the total opposite of – he wanted to be in the tabloids. Right. Everything was out there. It made Jeet seem even more classy. Because you are a level-headed, seemingly level-headed Yankee fan,

I think that Derek Jeter actually was not a good teammate. I think at any point he could have thrown the lifeline to A-Rod. He could have given him the olive branch to be like, yeah, he's my boy. There's no issues here. Like, you know, you guys should given him the the the olive branch to be like yeah he's my boy there's no issues here like yeah like we you know why don't you guys should embrace him the same way you embrace me and he just always kind of left him to like flounder and that drove me well you could say that or he left it to himself to prove himself like it's hard it's hard to say like i'm gonna back this guy up while he's like taking his shirt off on a rock in Central Park.

You know what I mean? It's, like, hard to put – But from, like, a baseball point of view, what was best for that team would be, like, everyone – Like, I would be like, listen, I think you're a douchebag. Yeah. But let's go win a World Series and let's, like, put this to bed. Yeah. I mean, look.

It was tough to embrace. It's tough. What a 180 he's done, though. I think the... A-Rod? If you look at Jeter and A-Rod post-baseball career, it's ships in the night. Do you like him as a broadcaster? I do.

I do, too. I think he's very... I think he... Everything that he did kind of wrong. Yeah. He wanted... He always longed for approval and love, and you could tell. Yeah.

And then I think when he got to the booth, he just like I know baseball I'm going to talk about it and like me if you like me don't if you don't but everyone kind of did and with J-Lo and all I mean he is now the darling and then Jeter with all his issues with Miami Marlins and it's kind of all of a sudden Freaky Friday

I don't think Jeter's getting that kind of like he's not that trashy kind of part. Not trashy, but you know what I mean? He's catching heat for the first time ever from the baseball world. Exactly. It's definitely a weird one. When I heard, A-Rod's doing this game?

That's weird. This is going to blow. And then he just started letting out those soft-spoken facts about baseball. And you're like leaning in. And you're like, this is pretty impressive. It was great. He was struggling. And I think when he was on the team, he just was never – he was always thirsty for attention.

And he was awkward. And he also wasn't clutch. I know. He would also fold. But then 2009, he won that by himself, and that gave him some vindication, but that should have been it. Right. You did it. You made man, and they still never fully gave him.

It would drive me crazy to be A-Rod. He made a lot of the pictures and some of that shit. You cannot argue it. But he was always hitting 40 home runs, 50 home runs. I know. He did go win the World Series. Like, what else? I really think the worst thing that ever happened for him was playing next to Jeter.

Yeah, I think so, too. And he was a natural shortstop, too. I know. He never was going to be it, though. No. Like, had that trade to Boston gone through and he went to Boston. Even that, though, because he still would have been compared to to jeter he needed to just be the best shortstop of all time i know in seattle or texas or somewhere else exactly that's what i always thought i'm the

fucking greatest you know he was just a weird dude i mean you ever hear that story when when boston came to meet him at the hotel it was like 11 o'clock at night and they were just going to have a meeting when the when he was deciding where he was going to go yeah and they said that they uh he opened the door of the hotel and he's in a three-piece suit like all like all like really and so awkward and stiff and just like and they were just like what the fuck is this yeah something's up with this dude you know what i mean like he just had that it was just like a social misfit kind of it was just like you know what it's like it was like he was so uh dominant and and famous so young it was like a child star right who doesn't adapt right how many gianna adapted perfectly yeah like didn't it was a slower burn right right it's uh yeah it was totally weird the the not enough people put themselves in the in that position

it's like imagine if you were like 18 19 old, and you're being called one of the greatest ever, and now you're a professional athlete, and you deal with the media and fans. And yeah, not everyone can be like Jeter, and you shouldn't be crucified for maybe like, all right, I'm not sure how to do this. Put me at 18, 19 years old, like, I don't know. I was an idiot. I was a moron. You know? Put me at 18, 19 years old, like, I don't know. Yeah. Idiot. I was a moron. The team was so classy at that time.

Like, everybody was so solid. You know, O'Neal and Williams. They were so tight. They were so tight and stuff. It was a well-oiled machine. Yeah. And so it was like, so you have one guy that didn't really mix. That's all right.

I had a really cool moment last year. I think it was around May. I got a call on my you know lifetime yankee fan i got a call on my i was in a meeting and i come out and there's voicemails with strange numbers and the first one was hey tom bob costas hey uh joe tory is doing a charity thing and uh we need a comedian to come in and uh you mind if I just give Joe your number actually I'm going to give Joe your number next thing

boop Joe Torre hey Tom Joe Torre how are you what the hell's happening holy shit I hear you're available

if you could do this it would be great I'm just like whatever you want me to do clear the schedule yeah so fast forward I do the event

it's a small room like in a hotel and it's where his Domestic abuse You know Charity thing That he does all the time There's a picture of me

Tori Mariano Costas And Bernie Williams Just Jesus Christ All of us like Hey

I mean That's That's legend on legend On legend right there That was such a huge moment I was like And you know It's such a weird thing Like when you geek out like that.

In the middle of my set. So were you doing your set for them? For them. Like they were there? For them, yeah. Do you tighten up when you – Yes. If you know someone's in the audience?

Yes. When you ask in the beginning, you don't get nervous doing stand-up. When it's a new situation or something freaky where you know someone's in the audience who you respect you get you get nervous you definitely get nervous you know you can still do your job it's like is mariana laughing at me yeah you're like right exactly you're like what the hell is he and i could i just had to say in the middle of my set you don't understand how important you guys were in my life my life yeah like you gave me so many moments, and I'm genuinely grateful. And then back to some jokes about my kids. And then back to, you know what I mean?

Like, I couldn't stop. It was such a cool moment. I was like, this is why, this is like, if there's any doubt of why, of whether or not it's worth it to be in stand-up and do this crazy career. The grind and all that. Yeah, you get those moments where you've risen

to the point where you're with these people. So what would, like, going out with Seinfeld or performing for, like, the Yankee greats, if you had to pick, like, a moment? I mean, I'm sure Seinfeld did more for, like, your career. But, like, that first time where you were opening for Jerry or whatever it was you were with him versus Tori, Jeter, Ariana, all those which was more yeah which was like you know nerve-wracking or you know when when a greater moment yeah greater moment when you're on your deathbed what what's which one's gonna stick out more in your memory um probably probably being

with tori yeah whatever no i I mean Jerry was so great But that's also You know That was kind of like A slow burn Like I met him We're still friends It's like this cool thing

And definitely for the career You know If I don't meet Jerry Maybe I don't meet But to be in a room With those guys Right I mean that's

When you're a little boy I shook Mariano's hand And like did the shoulder thing Like tapped him on the shoulder Like a shot put Oh I'm sure I mean, that's when you're a little boy. I shook Mariano's hand and did the shoulder thing, like tapped him on the shoulder, like a shot put. Oh, I'm sure. I mean, like a cannonball for his shoulder at this age, and it's just like, man, these guys

are so impressive. I believe it, man. Yeah, it was really special. But man, I'm paying, any joy I had with the Yankees were really just suffering as Giant fans over this last three years. But, man, I'm paying – any joy I had with the Yankees, we're really just suffering as Giant fans over this last three years. It's so brutal.

Come on down to my level, guys. Join me here in the deep end. The water is terrible. It's freezing cold. It's rough. There's shit in the water. You're welcome. And as much as it's obviously been publicized that the Giants have been bad i don't know people really understand just how bad how bad like they

have gonna be a decade of yeah yeah like like worse winning percentage than the knicks bad and the knicks are like the worst team in all of sports all of sports but you got a little hope with daniel jones i feel like there's enough there to at least but don't I feel like there's enough there to at least. But don't you feel like there's something. There was always. Like you always got the idea in the old days that the Giants will write themselves. This is such an institution. Yep. The Maras are so solid.

Classy. They're a classy organization. Yeah. Like something. I know you hate them. But you always felt like they're going to do the right things. Now it feels like you're not really sure who's in when when they when they fucked up with coughlin yeah that's when i was like they don't they're a rudderless ship i don't know if it's that was it you know what if it's the

gm if it's the mara is like which mara what's going on why that's when once they botched that it was like all right this is not you know it's not your grandfather's giants anymore that's right is the new giants who are yeah apparently just as dysfunctional as the jets so are the jets are you guys accepting new members? Are you allowing us to? You want to come on over? I mean, I've never hated on the Jets. I can't believe that they were even in a position where people want to come to the Jets bandwagon.

That's a good sign for me, I guess. Seems kind of fun. McDonald's the real deal. Yeah. I feel like our coaching situation's not, but we have hope in our GM. If you'd like to come on over. It's not like a Mets-Yankee hatred. No, it's not.

I would prefer for the Giants to not be good, but I'm not going to. Eli retired, and I was like, you know, legend. I can't be a Hall of Famer. I don't have any ill will. No. So come on in. You gave us a good time. Yeah, I feel like the Jets are like, yeah, we're going to hurt also,

but we're used to hurting, so it's not so bad. The Giants, you go to a Giant game, people are freaking out. They don't know what to do. I'll give you the blueprint. Here's how you do it, all right? You curse at your TV a little bit, and then you're just like, yeah, go get a drink. I'll show you the ropes on how to lose.

I know how to do it very well. I look good in green. That was the first game I ever went to, professional was uh when the giants the jets played at shea oh wow in the outfield yeah and i went with my father and we saw one of those games like way up high yep and uh yeah and it didn't take that well for the better i mean you had a pretty good run yeah yeah we grew up right we grew up in jersey which was like literally 20 minutes from giant stadium so yeah i had to do it and my first team my first football team we were the giants so we like had their uniforms we were like yeah you're done yeah so painful well uh we appreciate

you coming through man so the special is uh february 4th and congratulations on this you guys are kicking ass and we're trying yeah it's been a – we've had a slow grind and then a quick pop up. So it's all kind of a new realm for us as well. It's great. I appreciate that. Very cool. So it's on Netflix, right? Netflix starts streaming on February 4th.

And you can find them on Twitter and Instagram, Tom Papa. Yep. And Tom Papa and all that good stuff. Give it a listen, man. Cool, man. Thanks so much. Thanks for the hang. Appreciate it.

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