KFC Radio - The Most Hyper Masculine Podcast Ever

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

John takes a nap at the office. NBC deeply offends the women of Barstool. The magician restaurant. KFC's day at the cemetery. Voicemails: keys, wallet phone, 100 year old birthday party, Canadian cities.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by New Amsterdam and the Pink Whitney's. We had the entire KFC Radio audience rip a Pink Whitney shot at our live show last week. And I think people are slowly starting to realize, you know what Ryan Whitney has done? He, he's like sneaky poisoning people. started to realize, you know what Ryan Whitney has done? He's like sneaky poisoning people. The way this was at first explained, I thought it was vodka. Oh, he's doing like a poison like I poison friends.

Yes. I thought it was like vodka and lemonade in a bottle. It's just lemonade flavored vodka. He just made a flavored vodka. So it's not a mixed drink like i remember thinking like oh everyone's bugging out about the price and this is just because half of it is lemonade no no no it's like a little bit less like all like every other flavored vodka or whiskey you've ever had it's just like you know fireball whiskey is now it's just pink it's just lemonade flavored

vodka it gets the job done i was doing radio solo on Friday, and I was just ripping shots. Really? Every now and then, I would just pour one and pop one. And I was like, this is perfect. It wasn't even chilled. It was warm. It still went down smooth. I had a nice buzz on.

It went down easy, but still had enough bite that you knew it was doing some damage. They're on to something here, those guys. But I just think everyone, it was totally mischaracterized. This is not lemonade. This is just vodka. And it's delicious. It's delicious, man. The marketing with the pink and the black.

You got that goon, Ryan Whitney, promoting it. He is, what's going on? What's wrong with you? I don't know. John is just, you know what? Get this man a Pink Whitney. You need to get a little bit of a buzz on. Wouldn't hate it, right?

Wouldn't hate one. I think right now a Pink Whitney shot would do John a solid. So if you need to even out, you want to get your buzz on, you want to party, you want a nice cocktail, Pink Whitney is the way to do it. It's the official vodka of the chicklets guys barstool sports kc radio live shows it's new amsterdam go get it You are a fucking wreck. Why? And I noticed it earlier.

You look tired. Were you tired today? You were tired today. Super tired today. And I could see it. And ordinarily, you know, it's funny because it's Monday, John. And I guess you could say, you know, from a long weekend. But ordinarily.

But no, I didn't like party that much. Yeah, no, it's not. It's like when you're younger You're dragging ass on a Monday When you're older you're dragging ass on a Friday Because it's been a long week I'm dragging ass all the time Your ass is just on the floor I'm young and old

I know you I explained it last week We were in a meeting We were talking case for radio business And it was like 5pm And I said we're done here. Let's talk tomorrow because my guy, he's down for the count. And you were like, how could you tell?

Because you wear it on your fucking face. And so I saw you earlier. I was like, oh, boy. And I knew that we were going to have to do this session later in the day. And I was like, oh, boy. He might be fucking down for the count by the time I get back to him after radio and rundown. And then I saw you sitting out by your desk, feet up on the – is it hot in here, by the way? I'm fucking very hot in here. You're sweating.

It's very fucking hot in here. I need some pink Whitney myself. And so I see John, and he's got his feet up, and I'm like, oh, no. He is just – he's still out of it. And then we walk into the studio, and what did you tell me, John? He goes, you know what I did? Let me tell you what I did. I said, this is your boy.

As soon as you went into radio. If you're watching on Barstoolgold.com, there's something of a dramatic reenactment happening. Barstoolgold.com slash KFC. You can see this is actually a double whammy here. I'm debuting one of our new samples from the Viva brand, and it also is integral to the story here. Yes. So we came in here.

Now, it's usually quite cold in the studio. And it feels like it warmed up just recently in the last few minutes. But I came into the studio. I knew this jacket was in here. It's a heavy jacket. It's a nice jacket. I knew it was in here. I popped it on.

Put it up. And I just dropped it to the ground and used it like a sleeping bag. And I was asleep in here for about two and a half hours. I came in here at little past three. Where'd you sleep? Where'd you lay down?

Right in the corner. My laptop's still there. I was watching Netflix. I was watching I'm Sorry. Like this? Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly like that. I might have been rolled over on my right hip because I was watching the laptop that's there. At what point were you on your back?

I was on my back a little bit, yeah, for sure. It was quite a scene. It's kind of difficult it's not difficult it's actually kind of nice to it's like a kind of a powerful and empowering moment when i woke up so i came in here for like 20 minutes i was like i'll take a 20 minute nap i was gonna set an alarm but i was like yeah you know i probably gonna fall asleep anyway and it's empowering to be able to be like i I was asleep for two and a half hours of the day today, and no one said anything. It's not empowering, you dumb fuck. It is.

It just shows how fucking useless you are. We're in my studio. No one else can go to sleep here unless they have a studio. It's in my studio. Someone else can come in here and go to sleep. Probably. Yeah. But it's one of those things where it's part it's part that it's part

of uselessness and it's all but it's also part like empowering because it's it's like that it's like what we talk about with dying with uh dying yeah where it's like you realize like in two generations don't even know your name dude what you what you are what you are you are not leaving behind a legacy even if you think you're leaving behind a legacy there's nothing important about you so it's empowering to realize how useless you yes got it so you came in here went to sleep unconscious in the middle of the workday for two and a half hours it was it was probably two hours but yeah yeah and because it didn't matter at all you're now feeling special you feel

good but good about yourself i probably just rested to be honest yeah well i was gonna say and the reason why like you're even able to be able like the you're the only reason you're able to do this podcast right now is because you got two hours of sleep right if you didn't you would have been in full-blown man baby mode where you would have been like i can't do this yeah so i mean thank god actually in a way to go to work that was important that you took that nap because otherwise you would not be able to perform your podcast which has six ad reads today generates a lot of money so you that was the best two hours you could have spent during your work day that was and guess what i still have do you think you thought justice is

the last thing i had to do today still gotta do making a gambler tonight so i do watch the game here so like i'm gonna be here until midnight so i don't feel guilty about fucking oh you know what that actually makes things a lot better yeah that was that was the set that was a necessity yeah we gotta do we got a lot to do tonight and i was like look i gotta be here till midnight i'm gonna take a fucking nap at three o'clock it's a great fucking sleeping bag jacket to do it i mean the jacket was really without it you, you can't just lay down on the floor in your shirt. If I didn't know the jacket was in here, I was not napping.

But I knew we had a sleeping bag in here. I haven't slept at work. Go ahead. After the live show last week, I left my key at Caroline's. I did the exact same thing with that jacket. No, really? Wednesday night, you came back here and you slept on the floor.

I pulled in that pink chair from outside and I put my legs up on one of these chairs No, really? Yeah. Wednesday night, you came back here. Yeah. And you slept on the floor. I slept. I pulled in that pink chair from outside, and I put my legs up on one of these chairs. Were you drunk? No. No. I just didn't have the key to get home. How long did you sleep? Oh, okay.

So you lost your key. I thought you meant you left your key here, and so you came back to get it, and while you were here, like, let me just pop in for a nap. So you just slept here for the night? Yeah. Got it. So what did you do Thursday morning? Popped up, threw on a hoodie so no one saw I was in the same clothes.

Did you know? I didn't realize. I couldn't. I had no idea. I'm a fucking professional. You kept the secret. Oh, yeah. I mean, Thursday he was probably churning out videos and all sorts of shit nobody even knew.

Sleeping here, did you see all the other critters running around, Mantis and Mouse? Yes. At 3 a.m., Mantis showed up yeah i'm just popping into yeah i think he had to catch a flight in the morning i think he went out wednesday night and came back to his home that's what i think probably yeah that's unbelievable last time i went to sleep at work i was 18 years old i I think. Really? I slept in an engine room. Dude, one time we were doing construction, and we literally just, against the blueprints, just built ourselves a sleeping room. Yeah.

Like a sleeping cubby. But it was like, what is this? I don't know. We'll take it down to the end of the summer. It's just a cubby to sleep in. It's like an extra fucking... Yeah, but you had to be pretty young when you were doing that. Yeah, college.

Yeah, I guess I was in college so whenever i was uh working this by the way i was like i was literally falling asleep at the desk yeah so it was like like i'm gonna be sleeping somewhere might as well go to my studio and do it it's either gonna be like at my desk or i'm in trouble at home where i'm like done for the day or in my studio where i can pop back and go ahead and make three or four more pieces of content. Yeah, and also, like I didn't even go out last night. I was home. Yeah, I don't know why you're so tired.

You know why. I don't know why. Do I know why? You know why I'm tired from this weekend. My girlfriend was in town, Kevin. You were doing sex again, weren't you? I'm going to have a four o'clock this morning to do sex. Oh, my God.

I mean, she's got to realize the honeymoon phase is over. You guys are just together, and she's dating a rather out-of-shape, non-motivated, apathetic dude. He doesn't want to fuck at 4 a.m. He doesn't want to fuck at 4 p.m. He doesn't want to fuck at 4 a.m he doesn't want to fuck at 4 p.m he doesn't want to fuck after you go out he doesn't want to fuck before you go out you're lucky you get any dick at all let alone at 4 a.m and i gotta be honest it's starting to have a problem at work so now i gotta talk to you babe stop fucking my boyfriend you want to fuck your boyfriend you got it clear if you can fuck my boyfriend.

This is becoming an inconvenience for me. I'm going to get her number. She's going to have to text me. I'll sign off on whether you guys can fuck. 6 p.m.? Fine. You can fuck. That's it. Anything past that? It's too late. He's going to be tired the next day.

4 a.m no way not unless he can go back to sleep until 11 otherwise no no fucking shit as soon as i woke as soon as i knew what time it was this morning when i woke up and i was like oh god we have to do gold at 10 a.m no i was like i knew i i knew like i had to do like i knew i had to come into it for my full work day which is like 10 to midnight tonight. And I was like, son of a bitch. I'm not going to have any time to sleep tomorrow. I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't stay here or sleep in until noon or something like that. Yeah. Were you up for the day after that? Or did you roll back over? It's not the same. Kind of. It was like she had a flight. Yeah. So that's always the thing thing she's got to get up and go

she wants one more session and you're like I just got a long day here and then once she she's not packing so I'm still kind of I feel bad going to bed so it's like oh yeah I'll talk to you for a little bit and then finally fall asleep

you don't want to just make a deposit and then zonk out yeah that's rude that's just rude that's just using yeah and then finally fall asleep. You don't want to just make a deposit and then zonk out. Yeah, that's rude. That's just rude. That's a rude thing to do. That's just using, yeah. Yeah, but she's got to realize there are consequences to her actions. Because, yeah, she's up and at them and like, all right, I got to start my day no matter what.

Whereas you are a man baby. I mean, I had five more hours of sleep. You are. You're too much of a man baby to even be allowed to have sex. Yeah. It's like, you know, people are kind of, it's like, should you wait till marriage? Absolutely not. Should kids be fucking when they're like 15?

Probably not. Really what it boils down to is like, are you responsible enough to have sex in a manner that doesn't, uh, you like this? Well, mentally challenged people can't have sex, right? Like, you can't consent? Yeah, I guess so. Because you don't have the capacity to consent? I don't think I have the capacity to consent. No, that's what I mean. You're not responsible

enough to say, like, I should or should not be doing this right now. You understand it, but you're not responsible. Yeah. I think denying, if it's a regular person having sex with a handicapped person yes right yeah you're telling me that cappers can't fuck each other what's a capper a handicapper he's you know he's a handicapped guy he can't he can't he or she can't that's

just taking away everything in life from them they can't consent to each other i i do not know the answer i'm gonna google it real quick it seems like you're really just putting salt on the wounds. Like, hey, you've been dealt a really shitty hand of life here with the genetics. Also, we're not allowed to have sex. I mean, I'm sure they do, right? But they can get in trouble for it? Come on. I would love to know how you're wording this.

Can mentally handicapped have sex consent? I would have gone worse than that. Can they legally fuck each other they really should be able to the washington post headlines sexual autonomy rights of the mentally ill yeah like i almost feel like that's that's rude to take to say you know it's like yeah sure maybe i lack some cognitive abilities, but you're telling me I can't do what I want with my dick or my vagina? I think that is what's holding back the mentally handicapped of America. I think, honestly, I'm just scanning this because it's a lot of big words. When you have autonomy in a headline, you know the article's going to have a lot of big words in it, too. It's probably some fucking...

Seems like I'm probably right. Some journalist trying to be smarter than they are, which we saw a lot of this week. We're going to talk about it right now, courtesy of DL1961. DL1961, quality, fit, innovation, and sustainability. That's how you build the best jeans in your wardrobe. Now available at Bloomingdale's.

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when you use the promo code KFC20. That article written by NBC... I gotta thank them. Not good. No, you know what? I love it. I mean, not good for them. Terrible. Here is the order of... it. I mean, not good for them. Yeah.

Terrible. Here is the order of... There's no such thing as bad for us. There really isn't. No, there really isn't. I disagree. It's very Trumpian. I disagree with the theory that there's no such thing as bad for us. I do think there is.

I just don't think you can give it to us. Well, you know what? Not in the way they continually do it. Maybe if someone comes up with a new wrinkle, new twist a new curve a new slant a new approach take anything on barstool sports maybe we'll find out if the problem is they write the same fucking article every single time no matter who it is no matter what outlet no matter how long no matter how short the message is the same and it never fucking works and all it does is reinforce the podcast renegade pirate ship network that we are and uh business keeps on booming well

it's it's it's tough to just start a good article based on two internet comments very hard not not much uh meat on those bones there if you blatantly say let's write an entire article hey like hey i don't know i don't know a lot about this company yet i need to do some research two comments all right i know it all I got it all covered, now I'm going to write 1500 words on this shit But it was the comments that told the real story They actually admitted to that

No That's not what tells the story That's not at all what tells the story Could you imagine any story I didn't see the Godfather but I did Review on Yelp and that told the real story No Just like oh just like i said what's odd doesn't mean they hold the belief for it what tells the story is the fucking story i mean god damn you you to to blatantly admit to it is a level of mail time i almost have to respect at least the other places pretend that

this is coming from a place of like like, you know, hardcore facts. These guys said the comments tell the true story. Anyone who's on the internet, whether it's a blog, social media, personal account, business account, you know the comments. They tell the exact opposite of the story. Yeah. They're wrong almost exclusively 100% of the time. Our comment section is most hated by Barcelona players. Yeah. We – I would love to write an

article based on the comments it would be you know there's a whole different article to write on on our comment section you can go ahead and write that one uh but the it doesn't matter we we don't miss a beat it's only good for business it galvanizes us galvanizes the fans so the the order i would say to be honest this one was so bad it didn't even do that no well they also they knew how bad it was putting it out on a saturday morning yeah saturday morning cartoons saturday morning shitty hit pieces this one this one was so bad like no one there was no like moment in the office where it's like all right let's go guys there was no moment on the internet of like stoolies yeah it was just like whatever piece. There was one moment, though, that I'm it's going to live on forever in infamy.

And that's why I'm ranking the who this NBC hit piece was worst for. Coming in last place because it didn't affect us at all. Personal sports. Us. Coming in second place because everyone now thinks they're a fucking joke is NBC.

And Shannon Ho. Is that who wrote it? Okay. She sucks. So this stinks for Shannon Ho quite a bit. Sucks is NBC. Whoever wrote that article. And Shannon Ho. Is that who wrote it? Yeah. Okay. She sucks. So this stinks for Shannon Ho quite a bit. Sucks for NBC. Everyone's kind of laughing at you, pointing out your hypocrisy. Matt Lauer is a creepy dungeon rapist with a magic button under his desk. And there was like a bunch of other fucking sexual assault things. There was, but I actually don't really like bringing those up because I don't think they matter.

Like, NBC's a big company. Yeah, much like we are. I don't understand why people can't separate that, too. It's like, a lot of people think that whatever Dave says condemns all of Barstool Sports. Right, yeah. I don't like treating media entities as a single person. No, but I do think it's tough if you're going to be, if you're

going to do that and criticize all of Barstool Sports or the blanket based on not, first of all, not even our employees, but yeah, no, that's fair. And I think you can bring up,

well, then you better, you better be writing articles about your own coworkers. Yeah. Yeah. You better address it. Yeah. Yeah.

I at least mention it or I actually, I don't think addressing, but I think if you're not going to address the different parts of Barstool and the different entities within Barstool, then guess what? The fans have fair game to blanket claim into. You NBC, you The Today Show. Yeah, exactly. You NBC, you Matt Lauer. If Barstool Sports is one thing, then

NBC's the same. Okay, that's fair. I typically don't like bringing it up because I do like to keep it, but if you're going to treat me like a child, I'll treat you like a child too. Right, yeah, they shouldn't, but if they're gonna, then we can play by the same rules. So two is Shannon Ho, NBC, and everyone and all the hypocrites. Number one who did the biggest disservice with this article is the women of Barstool Sports.

For multiple reasons. For one, the blatant disrespect. I mean, how great is my disrespect to just... I've never... That's actually kind of going under the radar often what what what the hit pieces will do that drives the women here crazy is say barstool sports is a bad place for women to work at and the women who work here are screaming no it's not i fucking work here why won't you listen to me when i tell you it's actually great and i tell you i came here like

i wanted to come here and uh you're not you're not telling the whole story this is the first time they said like the women of barstool sports are bad the women of barstool sports are hyper sexualized and submissive that is fucking disrespectful great there are highly accomplished women in the whole article that jumped out at me. Old, young, successful, rookies, veterans, rich, new. The amount of experience and story to tell here at Barstool Sports from the chicks. That was the description of them. Two fucking words. Hypersexualized and submissive.

Written by a woman about other women, which is always that way right it's always the chicks who are worse to each other and so that is just like actually truly offensive and then i mean what's going on ball busting lies is just what shannon what you did to these poor ladies you have no idea you have set them back so far it's not nice what you've done to them. Because now we can just scream at Casey. I'm bound. I'm bound by it. Scream at Ria.

Scream at Fran. I'll tell Erica. I'll be like, will you just submit, please? Submit! Submit! You're supposed to submit! You are submissive! I am dominant!

Submit! I don't like what you're doing! Submit! They could do anything. They could come in wearing a fucking burqa. I'd be like, you hyper-sexualized slut. Get out of here. The amount of ammo I have now been given.

I mean, on a two-hour show this Monday, every time Casey opened her mouth, I was like, shut up, just submit and be hyper-sexual, okay? Who cares about your opinion, you hyper-sexualized, submissive idiot? It's great. I love it. It's like if – first of all, these were not victims of bullying.

Women have always run this office, and I think they will continue to. Not a single one is even remotely close to submissive. But – I wish they were. If they had been victims of bullies as you perceived them to be for some reason, it would be like mommy came to school and tried to be like, you got to be nice to them. Yes. Guess what?

Bullion's going to ratchet up. It just made it worse. So much worse. And it was never bad. No. Which isn't a thing. Actual thing. So it takes out of context here. It's an example of what could have happened.

But what you've done is you've given the immunity. Maybe this is of context here. It's an example of what could have happened, but what you've done is you've given the ammunition. Maybe this is the long con. Maybe NBC dropped this one on a Saturday morning so no one would see it except for us. Plant this seed, circle back in a year and be like, have you seen these guys? They just berate this poor girl on air

calling her a submissive slut all day. Maybe we're the ones getting played here. This would be very smart. That would be a serious long con. I just picture Dennis Reynolds like, Submit! Submit, you bitch! Submit to me! That's martial arts in a nutshell now.

Anytime a girl steps out of line, they're just going to be a hyper-sexualized submissive idiot. I mean, the hyper-sexualized... Courtesy of NBC. Very eloquent. Just, you know, the word choice there is just perfect. It's very eloquent. I don't like people saying it was a bad article.

Hypersexualized and submissive is a fantastic way to describe women I'm arguing with. Now, the hypermasculine I'm going to take specific umbrage with. I don't think there has been a – like the only worst description of us is when they call us like the bad boys, the renegades. Like no, we're internet nerds. But right behind that, 1A of worst descriptions of Barstool men is hyper-masculine.

It is nothing but like gossipy insecure beta boy i mean you run down the list it's anything but masculine it's i don't worry about our followers and our image and i'm worried about like my fashion and like is there hair all day long and we backstab it's like fucking a bunch of high school girls we're the hyper sexualsexualized submissive sluts. Is there a masculine person here who works at Bristol Sports? I would say Brandon Walker's pretty masculine. I don't think he's very masculine.

I think he's just southern. Definitely. I love that together. That just gets tricked into doing the same thing. Dumb, southern, masculine, those things are all together. Willie played in the NFL. He's pretty masculine. Oh, boy. masculine those things yeah yeah together willie willie's you know will he play in the nfl he's masculine um oh boy i think that's pretty much it um

you two you're fucking nerds there's gotta be one uh there's gotta be someone who's masculine here who's not like an ex-athlete i really don't think there there is. Snapchat Steve's a lacrosse player. Professional lacrosse player. Yeah, but he's a cool dude. I wouldn't describe him as... I mean, he's a handsome professional athlete, so I guess he hits a masculine tag. Stereotypically.

I'll be honest, I don't think I know what masculine even means. I'm trying to think. I was going to say mantis. I think it's like... I don't know. I think Steve is the image of what most people think Barstool Sports is, because he kind of looks like a frat bro, and he thinks it's all guys like that who are all...

I mean, Steve's a great guy. Yeah. But when you look at him, you think he might like... I think masculine is getting warped into like chauvinism. Like, I think masculine has almost... I mean, certainly in this case but i think in general has a negative connotation for sure when it could it should just mean like yeah you're an athlete you're a man you're a man like toxic masculinity should mean yeah there should

be a level of masculinity that's not good that's normal and it's fine but now now it's it's been eroded and now if you're masculine it's a negative word if it's yeah like any masculinity masculine is definitely a bad word what do you but it should but it's not right right the perception is yeah what's like what do you think is a good amount of masculine masculinity like i like i'm trying to think of the things to be honest i think i have the perfect amount but like so what do you think of the traits pat myself on the back like the best man there is like uh like um being like competitive being like protective being i'm trying to think of like primal examples and there are levels of that that are good and there are levels that are

like are you tough guy are you – how do you look? Are you physically big? I don't know. Now I think it just means like if you're a rapist. Yeah. It's like do you fuck girls against their consent? You masculine. That's not what the word fucking means, hypermasculine.

There's not a single masculine person, let alone a hyper one. Right. Yeah, no. It was hard for us to find masculine. To get the hyper tag. Where it will be tough is like, there will be, coming this week, a video of a bunch of guys screaming about their football bets and then

doing like frat boy hazing, licking whipped cream off each other, and it's going to look particularly toxic. But that is the gross outlier of what it is, and in a weird way, it's very like beta or whatever to be like, yeah, I don't know. We fucking lick my nipples. I don't fucking care.

John and YP like wrestling. Yeah. Yeah. You might think. Yeah. But you might think that that happens all the time. And that's how they settle arguments. It's like, no, that's two guys.

And that's the only. We're never having arguments. It's just like fun. And I'll be honest. If someone ever wrote an article and was like there are these two fucking idiots who just wrestle each other I'd be like yeah cosign

I'm one of them but they're stupid idiots yeah that I think people assume that's a level of I think like appropriate masculinity not toxic masculinity not bad we just have a little wrestling match in the office we could probably ratchet it down a little bit that's normal shit.

Once a day for like five minutes of wrestling. I feel like if John was wrestling everyone and wrestling people that did not want to wrestle. That would probably be toxic masculinity. Like, I bit my tongue so fucking hard, son of a bitch. See, you can't even be tough pretending. You're going to cry. If the reporter comes in to do research and John's ready to shoot, he's like, come on.

Let's get the craps out. That would be maybe some toxic masculinity. But it is not like that, basically ever. Look at you. I don't know what that still means. The craps, baby. Even that neck tap. Yeah, they do that like, shoot. That's great.

You look like you know how to wrestle there. I definitely don't. We know how to pretend How to be masculine How to actually be masculine Yeah really I can put on the masculine front But at the end of the day I'm nothing but a fucking little bitch boy

I can put on the front for everything It's actually I have such a skill It's amazing It's called lying Yeah I think I'm a great actor I think that's what happens

I think I I can do anything It's amazing You can put me anywhere You can put me in like a Fancy room actor i think that's what happens i think i it's like i could do anything it's amazing yeah no you can put me anywhere you can put me in like a fancy room you can black tie event fucking friday night chopping it up looked like looked like something the joker would come in it was team impact shout out um but uh and then you know saturday and sunday did girlfriend stuff went to see a movie put it this way john is such a good actor he can have sex when he doesn't even

want to yeah get his dick hard and everything like boy this is terrible hop up on there girl um what do we got let's do um let's do this relationship by uh that chrissy Teigen tweeted out from Reddit. I don't know if this is real or not. But I think that we've learned that given some of the voicemails we've had over the years, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, bro. That's fair. That's true.

We've encountered some serious, I would say not only from the voicemails, but just getting to know like the rest of the world some of these places that aren't like you should regular like coastal fucking elite cities some shit goes down dude so we'll break it down we'll see it's brought to you by dollar shave club dollar shave club i can't stress enough the quality of their products the razors the razors are actually some of the most quality made razors that last so long. I'm on the same Dollar Shave Club and I get them delivered regularly but they're just stockpiling up

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Boom. It just pops up at your door. As soon as you need it, as soon as you run out, pow, there's another one for you. And it's all pretty affordable. They pass on the savings to you, and you can be a member. I mean, we've been a member of this club for, I mean, it was the first ad. Seven years? Yeah, it was like we've been doing the podcast seven or eight years.

We probably got our first ad like a year or two in. So like six years of dollar shave club and that was back when it was just the handle and the razors now they've added the hair the teeth the the body wash the uh the butt wipes you're wiping your butt with this shit now man i think they cover it all dude imagine that when they were just like we've done it all what else can we what else can we fix up how about their asshole let's Let's clean their assholes too. Sold. Go to Dollar Shave Club right now. They got starter sets if you want to get involved.

The shave starter set is the one I recommend. It's got the executive razor, the shave butter, and the post-shave dew. Their marketing is great. Post-shave dew. It just sounds like a face. It sounds great. Yeah, exactly. They got the dental kit. They've got all the different starter kits, and they're all just $5.

Get the ultimate starter set for just $5 at dollarshaveclub.com slash KFC. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash KFC. You mentioned how it was one of our first ads. It wasn't the first. It wasn't? No, because I remember the first because I still have the shorts. Stricker Sports. I was wearing the shorts this weekend, and someone actually said something about it.

They were great shorts. Someone was like, look at those are the Stricker Sports shorts. And I was like, yeah, that's – you think about sometimes when you do things where you're like, wow, I guess we really haven't come a long way. You never – you're always comparing yourself to the future you, to the view you want to be. So you never think highly of yourself.

Certainly not us. Some people might, but not over here. But when someone brought that up, I was like, yeah, this was our first ad. And then I remembered that was the payment. They gave us a pair of shorts. And we got paid. And we were like, we were like high fiving it. We got sponsored.

Barstool Sports got some money. I believe they got like a thousand bucks. I think it was a thousand dollars for like ten ads where you were the presenting sponsor of the episode. It ran consistently on the video. It had the bottom third constantly.

I think it might have been $200 per episode. Yeah, I think it was. We were like, we did it. We made it. I got a free pair of shorts at work today i am doing well well that was the beginning of where we heard every story under the sun so i i feel like your initial reaction was that you think this is fake yes but then when you kind of like by what i i hate the one most in the world when you just tell something on the internet people that are like, that didn't happen.

Yeah, the memes of things that never happened, this. I hate it. This is a fairly normal story in my day-to-day life. Right. That's what's crazy. I'm like, that was a story about my daughter at home. What? What's so unbelievable about that?

This is different. But like I said, I'm prone to believe everything here. So I'll read it real quick. My 32-year-old female, 36-year-old husband wants to start a restaurant for magicians, and it's tearing our family apart. I've been with my partner for eight years. We have a four-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter. Our relationship has been a little rocky, partly due to his highly demanding job in the restaurant industry,

but we love each other deeply and always will he has been the head chef of a relatively successful restaurant for three years now and is the only source of income for our family since i left my job in the charity sector to look after our children for the past four months or so he has been floating the idea of starting a restaurant for magicians with increasing seriousness and dedication it's not obvious what this entails, so I ought to explain. He envisions a restaurant which, unbeknownst to the general public, is littered with magical props, levitating tables, bending cutlery, and torn and restored menus, to name a few. The meals served to customers can be requested to have particle playing cards

secreted inside to allow for spectacular reveals. And if you ask a waiter to think of a card, he will always say the seven of hearts. The idea here is seems is to allow for an environment where men on dates who are in on the scheme are able to impress their companions with seemingly spontaneous magic tricks requiring little skill. Um, I'm going to reserve my commentary on the merit of this idea until later, but I should explain that my husband has never shown a remote interest in magic until about four months ago when he met his friend, who in this post we'll call Chris.

Now, the reason I found this is because Chrissy Teigen quote tweeted and said, I think Chris is going to know who he is on this one. This is the most specific story of all time. To think that you're disguising anybody here is crazy. Chris is something of a magic enthusiast, and since meeting him, my husband has become encapsulated by this idea. Over the past two weeks, Chris has convinced my husband that he ought to quit his job and use all of our savings to start a restaurant, which would burden our family with an enormous amount of financial uncertainty. We had a huge fight about this two nights ago, during which I said some things that I've come to regret,

insulting his restaurant idea, his cooking cooking and his new friend chris during the fight my husband argued that he ought to be allowed to follow his dreams and that this idea is good because chris came up with it and chris is a magician and magicians are smart this honestly does not seem like the man i fell in love with who was creative but also pragmatic and level-headed his fixation on chris seems to have massively clattered his judgment and i don't believe it's possible to rely on his quote magician a restaurant for magicians idea to feed our family of four how do i convince uh himself that this is how i convince him that this is a bad idea um now some things overall the idea seems very silly some things like this dude just becoming like a magic enthusiast in four months that shit i can

kind of see happening i feel like guys especially when they get older they're married and they're like i don't know what the fuck do i do now you find some cool shit and you're just like this is cool you find a cool guy yeah yeah yeah this is the guy who gives you like this rebellious like i don't know i'm trying to like like a hunter s thompson like this is a guy who like lives his own life hyper masculine you know yeah he's like masculine he gets the seven of hearts all the time this this is what men do this is what men do this is the plot of i love you man right this is paul rudd and jason siegel yeah yeah yeah right man cave type shit uh i can see you know all of a sudden like you're you know

your husband like he gets a new jacket he wears like a putty eight ball jacket and thinks it's cool you're like wait a minute you never used to do this like well now i do this is a new jacket. He wears like a putty eight ball jacket and thinks it's cool. You're like, wait a minute. You never used to do this. Like, well, now I do. This is a new me, bitch. I also think that there's a strong chance that he's fucking Chris. It has to be. I mean, this guy is fucking a gay magician. It has to be.

Absolutely has to be. The only time. Hyper masculine gay fucking each other. Power bottoms, power tops, the whole nine. A lot of honors. Revealing like pow, like a fucking, like doves come out of your dick when you're fucking this gay guy i think um i think first of all i think magic's pretty sweet i think magic is cool i'm gonna say it i know you disagree i know you really hate magic i think it's pretty cool magicians the one group he'd like to wipe off the face of the earth yeah this is not this is not a restaurant

for john and i think that going into a restaurant which is basically a very predatory restaurant of like we're gonna get men we're gonna we're gonna trick women into fucking us because we go to the magic restaurant it's such like a bad magician's line of thinking yeah someone will want to fuck me because i pull a card out of their goddamn salad like that's why people become magicians guys are like yeah this is gonna be sweet men are gonna want to be me women are gonna want to be with i think most people just like what the fuck well weird magician and people who like who who force it on you terrible but if i'm just a regular ass dude and i grab a deck of cards and i'm like yo check this out that's cool fuck you yeah if you're

doing it with a deck of cards not if it's coming out of her salad well that's the other thing that i thought is funny too or if you were like like watch, watch this, I just bent the fork. Right. And then like, you looked one table over and the other guy's doing it. The other table, another table. Like, how are we? Not everyone. Yo, man, I'm going to pick up on this scheme you got going here. Can you imagine being the waiter? And you're like, ah, seven of hearts.

The special of the day is French onion soup. Seven of hearts. It's not the best of ideas i'm just saying you know it was it's very uh very female to just not believe in the power of magic okay you don't think it's cool when when david blaine like blows people's minds not when he's just like look at me when i go inside a fucking ice cube for seven days but when he's just like i don't know if i could like pretend to rip a head off a chicken and make it come back to life it's pretty cool uh yeah and i mean it's whatever i get like if i yeah if he's like what's he do with like drake where he just eats a glass it's a champagne glass i think he just like can eat glass i don't know didn't the chicks have a magician

come in and they were like blown away yeah i remember ria being like absolutely blown away by it i'm telling you it gets these submissive slots going because you know what it is they're dumb and you trick their minds it's a little sleight of hands and they're so they're so simple-minded these dumb girls are like oh wow i uh i what i don't understand and this is i think there's a very real element to this of like uh and i i think specifically in the restaurant world like maybe not fucking magic restaurants but i think that there are people who want to start their own restaurant they want to like follow their dreams like that and i think it's a highly like you fail a lot in that industry right and and anytime i

think anytime you get nine out of ten yeah at least uh i think if you're married you have kids and you have like a financial responsibility you don't yeah you really don't and i think if you're married you have kids and you have like a financial responsibility you don't yeah you really don't and i think that there are there's a lot of people uh i mean i even know of a couple who like they they they did it and like they made it enough but it definitely like put a huge strain on their marriage because and that's why i think this is crazy if i'm a guy and i have a dream to follow i ain't doing it strictly because even if you make it over the long run the first sign of trouble you're in the dog house and she's doing i told you so and all that shit it's gonna be a struggle even if you succeed and the whole struggle is gonna be your wife being

like this is so fucking stupid you're fucking moron i told you yeah it's like well that's just not worth the struggle even if the end result is my magic fucking restaurant that i love the struggle in between is just not worth it. But isn't it just like women to just fucking not even understand your dream of magic? You know what I was thinking actually? There's a line in there that kind of reminded me of an argument I had where the response was, can you just act like you love me for a little bit? And in my head, I was like, can you just act like the person I say I love? And it was like, that's so...

You didn't say that one, did you? I didn't say it, but Jesus Christ. But I think it's a fair response. So true. When people always say that, like, can you just act like... Because that's a pretty common thing, is like, can you just act like you love me it's like can you act like the person i'm in love with that i think that's a very fair request i am in love with that version of you and you're not being that you are breaking the rules of love right now but you are you are making

me cheat on you because you're not being the person i love go off king that is that is i think fair if i'm going to say We are in a social contract here. You avoided the terms. You broke the rules first. You're acting like a crazy person. And I don't love that person, so I'm not going to act like I love him. Voicemails. Voicemails.

That was just one big plot. I did the magic restaurant thing to get you to say that. We're good to go now. Voicemails are brought to you by SeatGeek. You want to go see a magic show? SeatGeek got you covered. You want to go see David Blaine? David Copperfield? If you're named David, I don't trust you. Put it that way.

Dave Portnoy? Don't trust him. David Copperfield? David Blaine? They're always going to pull a little bit. Nardini and I are going to another play already. We've gotten tickets to our first one. It's not until December. She's already like, we're going to go to Boulogne Rouge. Done. You want to start dating your boss?

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Go to settings. Add a promo code. Enter promo code KFC. Get $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. Voicemails. What do we got? Hey, KFC. Fights, BC. I'm one of your Canadian listeners

and I'm assuming there might be a few of us. Anyway, I've met a few Americans when I worldly traveled and when I tell them I'm from Edmonton, at least half have no idea where that is or even what that is and I always find it strange i mean i mean i know everything about phoenix but i at least have some idea uh where it is and what it is if

someone told me that's where they're from so anyway my question is how many canadian cities do you guys know toronto toronto i was just the question. How many Canadian cities do you know? Yeah, I mean, by the way, bud. Not a lot. Like, fuck off. Like, seriously, shut the fuck up, Edmonton. Also... I mean, if it was not for the Edmonton Oilers,

I would not know that Edmonton exists. So, like, if you're not into hockey, I would not know Edmonton exists. Can I get a pen? I'm going to try and genuinely do this. The problem with Canada, I don't know the difference between cities and provinces. Yeah, that's true, too.

I'm just going to say kidding words I don't know. Is Ontario a city or a province? Don't know, right? Ontario is... I think it's a province. Ontario. Is Toronto in Ontario? I don't know many cities at all.

I just know Quebec, Alberta, Vancouver. I know that one. There you go. Vancouver, Edmonton, Alberta, Vancouver. I know that one. There you go. Vancouver, Edmonton, Toronto, Calgary. Calgary. I believe Calgary is in Alberta. Calgary. Newfoundland.

Is that a city? It's definitely something. Yeah, I know. It's something. Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. That's a city. Is, I know. It's something. Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. That's a city.

Is it? Yep, definitely. Port Colborne. I mean, no. No, I'm out. I'm definitely tapping out here, and I don't even know if half of them are. Where do you think Edmonton is? Oh, I would say Edmonton is. If you're watching on Barstool Gold,

you're watching me point. I'm going to say Edmonton is right here, like in the middle. I think that's a good guess. That is a strong... They're in the Western Conference, right? Sarnia. Sarnia, that sounds like a fucking made-up...

Is there a lion, witch, and a wardrobe there, too? I'm trying to think of... Edmonton. Oh, fuck. Fuck, what was the... That wasn't terribly off. Thunder Bay. I wasn't very...

I didn't think it was that far north. God, I mean, by the way, what the fuck is up in the north of Canada? All of these cities are pretty much in the south. What the... That's a lot of area to have no cities. Yoho? I don't know if this is an exhaustive list of every single city. I think it is.

I think these are the major ones. This is a good group here. White horse and yellow knife. This is, like, legitimately north of the wall. Fuck, what's the bus? Oh, yeah. Beyond H. Fuck.

Hobart. No. Yeah, like, Ho-Field eight. Fuck. Hobart. No. Yeah, like, Ho-Field's strong. Hobart's strong. I can't think of it. Fuck. Hurton.

Hubert. Hubert and one of those. They all count. It's all gone, baby. We know about the tragedy. That counts. Yeah.

I mean, I think basically the answer here, though, is not a lot. I mean, look, I've definitely gotten one of these cities is the Phoenix of Canada. So, look, I know that. I think that if you ask Canadians to rattle off American cities, they're going like 50 strong. Well, we have more cities. I don't know. Do we? Yeah.

Why? We have more important cities. Definitely that. That we? Yeah. We have more important cities. Definitely that. That's my point. We're more important than Canada. They have a huge fucking country with tons of cities. There's the aliens up there. That's fucking nonsense. being a fucking Eskimo. A willing Eskimo. Just get on a fucking bus and go

south, man. Go even just to the south of Canada or even preferably get into America. Go somewhere where there's fucking sunlight. You don't have to live inside a goddamn igloo and ice fish where you're walking around in snowshoes and dog racing and shit. Go get yourself a normal ass job

in the sun. The Eskimo thing is insane. It doesn't make any sense. Like, I understand if you were born there way back in the day where you're like, you don't even understand. You're just like, I don't know. This is where I live.

Let's stay warm. Right. But now you're like, I can go live in Phoenix. Like, I don't have to stay here. So you know all the bad parts that you would think about being a Native American? Let's do it cold. Yeah. Let's take all that stuff. How about, hey, you know all the bad parts that you would think about being a Native American, let's do it cold. Yeah. Let's take all that stuff. How about, hey, you know all the

bad parts about human existence? Like fucking freezing to death and like living in the dark and all that. Let's just do that willingly. Oh, I forgot to write down Toronto. I don't even know. How about this? I'll try to name the provinces. I don't think I can do those seven. I think I only know like

a handful of those That Canada shit I love Canada I've literally never had a bad time in Canada I've never met a Canadian I didn't like But calling up And being like look I know American cities Is crazy It's like

Someone in the fucking International League Yeah listen I can name all the Beatles songs Why can't they name my songs Like someone in the fucking International League. That's like being in a shitty band and being like, yeah, listen, I can name all the Beatles songs. Why can't they name my songs? They don't fucking know who you are, dude. I know every team in professional baseball. Why don't you know all the teams in the International League?

Well, because that's the shitty one. And that one doesn't matter. I know all the good ones. I know the ones that matter. I know the ones people talk about. I know the ones that are going to be necessary for me to know in conversation. Canada, you don't matter. Do not get it twisted.

You're a nice guy. No one's going to want to fuck you. No one's fucking you at 4 a.m., Canada. Kawhi Leonard just won a championship there and was like, see you later. Your president just can't stop wearing blackface. That's crazy. Doesn't even try to hide it. They were like, Justin, how many more times? He was like, don't know actually i love that i love that response like dude i don't know

i can't tell you how many but there was well if the first couple pictures take you off guard if you if if you could supply me a picture of me dressed full-blown aladdin with brown face that i didn't know about i'd be like there could be pictures of me in anything yeah if i didn't know this exists you might find a picture of me fucking uh goddamn pig here's some shit i don't know but his response was so funny in the sense where it was like it made him sound like he walks out of his apartment and he's like all right spectacles testicles wallet watch a bunch of sharpie markers in case any of the blackface color hey what do i got on my schedule you got a you got a one o'clock with uh like russia two o'clock with america and three o'clock we're doing i got i got a can of shoe polish with me just in case anything pops up i'm waiting for him to go it's not black

face it's brown face like we're splitting hairs here now i do this so often we're gonna have to get this right he is a tour de force of blackface yes and maybe just maybe i'll know more of your cities if you're prime minister if he keeps going to different cities in blackface yes and maybe just maybe i'll know more of your cities if you're prime minister if he keeps going to different cities in blackface i will learn about way more canadian cities if he shows up to work in blackface i'll move to canada show up to parliament or whatever the fuck it's called for a day of work in that outfit and you're good to go did you have moose jaw i had moose jaw on the list is that like a native american uh fucking igloo igloo? It's only the teams with junior hockey teams I know. Yeah.

Hobalt, right? Hobalt. No, that sounds the closest we've been. I don't think that's exactly. Humboldt. Humboldt. Yeah, I won that one. Humboldt Broncos.

Yeah. Yo, what's going on? KFC, Fuddleburg, whoever else might be in the studio at the time. So I just had a quick, I guess you could call it a hypothetical for you. So to function in modern society, every single adult needs pretty much three items, your phone, your keys, and your wallet. Order those three things in the order that you'd be most to least okay. Yeah, what's going on, KFC, most to least okay with losing. what's going on? KF was to least okay with losing.

Wait, what? So what was that? Take care. Have a good one, boys. Viva. Go birds. Basically, put those in order of which you're willing to lose. Say it again, though.

Phone, keys, and wallet. I just lost my keys this weekend. Wasn't that bad. Lost your wallet like two weeks ago. Stolen. Stolen. You was your wallet like two weeks ago. Stolen. Stolen. You got your keys stolen? My kids are playing with my keys and they fucking, they just like, I don't know what they do with them.

They must eat them or something like that. How can you let your children play with your keys? I don't. Every time I see them, I'm like, this is not a toy. And then I just hear them jingling around. So then I, that's what. You should get them fake keys. Yeah, but they like know.

No, they know. They know. I don't mean like plastic keys. I mean real keys. ounce and then i that's you get them fake keys yeah but they like know they know they know it's like i don't mean like plastic keys i mean real no i know but like they're not the ones coming from my pocket so they don't want that fucking one it's like i'll give them a fucking uh an old cell phone that i don't use like no i want the one in your hands they are motherfuckers man uh yeah i i feel like uh the keys is the easiest to deal with. I don't know what I would do if I lost my keys. I don't know, actually.

I mean, mine's a weird situation where we just have like a two-family thing going on, so I just took their keys and got copies made. We shared the same door. And then I guess when you have like a building where it's just your set of keys, you have to go to your super or your landlord, all that. Yeah, honestly, I would have no idea what to do if I lost money. So then you tell me. Well, it's still first.

Okay. I mean, like, I don't know. This is easy, right? No, it's not, because I was going to say your wallet's not that easy. No, actually, it's probably one cell phone. The wallet, losing your card where you have to redo everything that's on autopay. Cell phone is the one. Cell phone is the most expensive one, though.

Yeah, but that's easy. I'd rather spend money than inconvenience. It would be inconvenient for me to track down keys. And guess what? A lot of the keys, I'm not going to realize I'm missing them until I need them. I'm going to be like, ah, fuck, that's right. I had that key in my keychain. I have, like, realistically, I need, what,

three? I need to get my apartment main door, my apartment door itself, my mailbox. I have one, two, three, four, five, main door my apartment door itself my mailbox i have one two three four five six seven eight nine ten i have 10 keys on here i don't know what they do yo let me see that this is like a janitor set here bro what is all this i don't know man you use one of these don't you but no i just said three what is it uh the that black one is my main door one of the gold ones is my actual apartment door and then my mailbox key those

are the three i use after that your guess is as good as mine but there might be one day in the future where i'm at a door and i'm like just gonna try my fucking luck you know what i've been to this door before i have i have this key like i think i think my family home is on there oh yeah that's the thing you just acquire them over the years that's probably apartments from like years gone by you know yeah but i'm scared to throw them away because i don't know what they do never use this but i can't get rid of it look at this one here this one's newport this might be one of my old summer apartments. You probably have keys to a random person's house. They rented it out.

Absolutely. Absolutely. What if one day I'm drunk in Newport? And I'm like, fuck, I need a place to stay. And guess what? I got a key to this house. I once lived here for a summer. You mind if I crash on the couch real quick?

Thank you. I just need a parka. Give me two and a half hours. I'm good to go. I think it's one cell phone because I can lose and replace my cell phone in – Quickest, as quick as possible. In an hour. Yeah, but that hour sucks. It sucks, and also it will suck.

Even losing the phone is a pain in the dick hole because it's like – They made it a lot easier with the iCloud now. Well, yeah, but I don't have that. No, but your contacts you do have, right? Not really. Really? If you lost your phone, you lose all your contacts? I don't have any that have been added in like the last three years. Yeah.

Yeah. And then like I have all my pictures are just like it will just erase. I have four pictures I keep on every phone. After that, they just get deleted. Yeah. Before they transfer from the cloud to my phone. Right. And aside from that, like apps, i'd have to remember all the apps almost like losing the key i'd be like okay go to my ah fuck i gotta download that one too yeah yeah yeah there's

that's annoying but eventually you kind of do it as you go and then all of a sudden you're restored you know what i mean right like yeah i'll eventually get restored this is gonna take forever i don't even know how to like back up my iPhone i get that like your iphone hasn't been backed up in a thousand days 600 days look dude i got things going on it's ridiculous that they can't figure out the auto pay thing if you lose your card and you have to like oh because of the sequence of numbers just be like yeah just change it change that over i need i need them to do some like jason bourne shit where eventually you have like a chip in your body that's just like everything's paid for through that. I need like – I know it's like terrible to centralize it all because then if you lose that one set of numbers, like people like own your existence.

But I'm willing to take that chance. If I just have like – like your social security number should just be like everything. It's like I already – I know that one. That's all I need to know. That's never changing. That's true. That's like the only number I know in the whole world. Right. That's what everybody knows. And it's like, yeah, if you figure that out all i need to know that's never changing you know that's true that's like the only number i know in the whole world right that's what everybody knows and it's like yeah if you figure that out you get the whole kit and

caboodle but i'd rather be able to just like here's my cell phone paid every month with this number you know wait what can't what what doesn't get paid like if you if you if you enroll if i do like an auto pay using a card when that is gone, then I have to go change it. Oh, yeah. That's the worst thing about losing the wallet. Right. I want that to carry over somehow. Adding all the fucking...

That's why when they make you do your... This is not comfortable for you. This is not good for me. It's like I kind of did it. I'm pot committed now. Yes, I saw that. I saw you were not comfortable, and you were just like, I'm going to keep just jamming this thing.

I was just trying to find somewhere to put it, make it remotely comfortable. Can't get there. That is not comfortable for you. It's not'm gonna keep just jamming i was just trying to like find somewhere to put it would make it remotely comfortable can't get there that is not comfortable for you it's not at all no but you're just gonna do it that's that that reminds me of that the one time i tried to sit on the desk with that girl the worst moment of my life worst moment of my life at the deloitte gym back when i was like a semi-real human i went to the gym very cute girl he used to sit behind the desk and it actually was it probably similar to the height of this desk, probably just a little bit higher. So I tried to roll up on her and talk to her. And I was like, hey. But I was even higher.

So my feet were like dangling. And I was like bracing. I was like, what's up? She was like, this is not comfortable for you. And I was like, no. Not even a little bit. No, it's not. You cut me off.

Terrible. Terrible. I think her name was Amanda. Yes, you're still going to do that dog, I guess. Yeah, I'll tell you what. My hips are opening up. I'm getting a little better. Oh, my God.

Opening up those hips. Somebody's happy about that. Hey, boys. open it up those hips somebody's happy about that hey boys um was listening to the episode today on the 19th about stuff you put up with your family and in-laws and whatnot um i was five six years ago with my family pretty early on um and they were saying hey you know this weekend we're going to a 100th birthday party. And I was like, oh, that's crazy. Like, that's awesome.

So, like, you're coming with us. I'm like, all right. You know, we're going to have you. We go. And I show up, and everybody is, like, wearing all these, like, crazy hats and shit. I'm, like, walking around. I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm like, so, you know, I've met a family.

I'm like, so where's the birthday girl at? And everybody just stopped and looked at me. And I was like, what's up? Like, where is she? I had never been to a 100-year-old birthday party before. And it turns out that she died 20 years ago. And they were celebrating her 100th birthday party. Was her not there?

I feel like that's just kind of bizarre. I don't know if this is a normal place, but they were kind of just standing at me. They were like, oh, she's dead. And I was like, hmm, okay. It just kind of went on a lot of my days. So my question for you is, is this a normal thing or something crazy, just kind of a little red flag? I don't know.

Bizarre. Thanks. Beaver. No, it's not normal. That is the most stolen valor I've ever heard. I mean, are you kidding me? You don't get to say you're going to have

a 100th birthday party if you made it to 80. You fucking kicked the bucket at 80. That's 80 years old. But also, the lower length of living now. You can't blame that person. They didn't make the call. They're dead. What if they did?

What if it's in their will? Well, then, yes, they're fucking assholes. But for the most part, this is asshole like family. Family assholes. You have to admit that the moment you realize that you're a fucking asshole for this is the moment someone comes in and says, where is she? And you have to go, oh, well, she's dead. Yeah, well, she died 20 years ago. Oh, she's dead. What do you mean? She died at 80. What are we having a 100

birthday party for someone for? I mean, that's one of the more ridiculous things. You're having a party for something that literally never happened. Now, I also do love a good excuse for a party. If I was laughing about about it it should be like you know what they should do there should be a huge party for chris farley every year i bet

you that'd be an awesome party if hollywood and adam sandler threw a chris farley birthday party every year and that because that's a guy who's just universally the whole world which is he's still around you know yeah like pretty much everybody who dies there's somebody out there who's like good maybe only one or two's somebody out there who's like good. Maybe only one or two but there's someone who's like good. Good. I don't know if there's

anybody like that for Chris Farley. I feel like the whole world wanted him still around. We should be celebrating his like 60th birthday. I would imagine there are a significant

amount of people who are really good. Who what? Who are happy. About Chris Farley beating up? I mean. Because he became like a crazy drug addict.

As you say like you're. Yeah he was probably a pain in the ass. He was a severe drug addict. Those aren't universally beloved people. No but you know. But he was probably a pain in the ass. He was a severe drug addict. Those aren't universally beloved people. No, but, you know, but he was funny.

In a more intimate scale, if you actually knew Chris Farley, I feel like... He hated him. I mean, like, everyone who actually knew him loves him, too,

but there are definitely some friends on some outskirts where he's like, every time I see Farley, it's a real fucking pain in my ass. Yeah, no, you're right. As I was saying it, I was like, there are probably people who are, like, good. But the general public, some outskirts where he's like every time far see farley it's a real fucking pain in my ass yeah no you're right as i was saying it i was like there are probably people who are like good yeah but the

general public everybody wants that guy back so it's a good party but for just a regular ass person by the way was this a special person it's like are we talking about i don't know fucking rosa parks or some shit if it's abraham lincoln i don't know we celebrate his birthday every year him and george washington we get president's day yeah they were kind of special though they're pretty good ones but i mean who else who could you get a president's day for who could you get the rock the rock yeah yep um the rock day i like that jesus i guess gets a pretty good grandfathered in one jesus is a pretty big one. Which one? His birthday. His Christmas.

Yeah. Well, I thought maybe his coming back to life was a good one, too. Easter's not a bad one. I mean, I guess we just celebrate everything Jesus did. None of them on the days they actually happened. Not even close. Not even the remote years. Yeah, he was born in the summer, wasn't he?

Yeah, it was like four years late. Like 0 AD, 0 BC is not the right year. It was four. Four AD is when he was born go figure that one really oh yeah right yeah yeah why they just like miscounted it's like uh because they changed the calendar they changed the calendar the romans were like oh yeah july for julius yeah you know whatever now that you mentioned that i didn't know that yeah sure and they definitely changed the time of the year to match the pagan holidays. Right. They were like, eh, just fudge this.

They fudged the whole story. All of it's fudged. A lot of fudge. It's all a fucking made-up story. Grandma would have been 90 if you went to visit her, right? I saw Grandma this weekend. Grandma Rice. Grandma.

Grandma and Pop. I saw them at the cemetery. First time I've seen them, probably since I put them in the dirt. That's what the New York Jets did to me. The New York Jets were... I don't know what you guys are talking about. The Patriots lost that game. I mean, they really did.

I was going to say the Patriots were 22.5, 23-point favorites, and they somehow did not cover. And I refused to watch that game. I refused to give up my entire Sunday afternoon. I'm taking back my Sunday. I went to watch that game. I refused to give up my entire Sunday afternoon. I'm taking back my Sunday. I went to the hardware store. I got keys made addressing issue number one. I went to the cemetery.

I visited my dead grandparents. It was a beautiful day. It was a very nice view. I actually felt good about going to see them. That was a literally a productive experiment, productive exercise for me rather than sitting there watching the Jets. On the way home from the cemetery, it took me a while to find that grave, by the way.

I did not remember they were buried. I was way off. I would have no idea. I was way off. I was just wandering around until I saw rice. I'd be like, can we Google this? I thought about that. I was like one step away from being like, is this listed somewhere on like a cemetery website?

Can I get a blueprint? There was someone there watering the plants on the outside like the fucking gate and i thought they were going to be like the i don't know like graveyard keepers or some shit and i was like fuck i came all this way to do this ridiculous bit now i'm not even going to get in and they were the ones who told me that the if you see in the beginning of the video i'm like thank you because they told me where to get in but then they just saw me wandering a cemetery in the middle of the day with a phone out talking to myself. And then I put the phone away, and I was just stumped for a little while, walking around for five, ten minutes trying to find a fucking grave.

And then I found them. And I couldn't remember what Uncle Fred did. He's like an astronomer, right? I think so, yeah. Yeah, I said he invented telescopes. I said he invented telescopes. That's a big one. He did teach Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah, yeah, he invented telescopes. I said he invented telescopes. That's a big one. He did teach Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah, yeah. He's legit. Everything Neil deGrasse Tyson knew because of my uncle Fred. He does have an asteroid named after him. I know that. Not one of those, like, you bought a star. Like NASA named this, like, the Hess asteroid. So, yeah, he's special.

And then next to Grandma and Grandpa, and they were so dead, they didn't have to watch the Jets. And then I stumbled upon a Pop Warner game in the middle of the hood next to grandma and grandpa and they were so dead they didn't have to watch the jets and then i stumbled upon a pop warner game in the middle of the hood as i left city island where they just play football in the outfield of a softball field and they uh they they were they there was nobody who looked like me there i was the only white guy as far as the eye could see do they like have the lines i feel like they they just they just play on a field yep like no markers yep yep and they just they had they did have a uh uh like the like pylons

basically like they had like a orange g on each side but other than that no lines no rules really but they had their their lawn chairs music they had a snack table and i just this white guy came up in there with his again this phone out talking to the kids and cheering and chanting and basically in pajamas by the way i'm pretty sure they were ready to beat the shit out of me there was this one pajamas that's not okay you can't be rolling up to kids games in pajamas no no i didn't think i was gonna i just i was going to the cemetery and back this is why you can't you can't wear pajamas outside. I know. But you never know when a Pop Warner football game is going to spring upon you.

You go outside. You go into the world. You make the commitment to wear pants. And then there were these kids. Were you wearing your soft clothes once too? Yeah. No, I had a regular t-shirt on, but I had the soft clothes pants on. With my dicks out too. So they could just see your dick.

The gray pants are good dick pants. They not even they're not even like like sweat pants like is that an outline of the penis like this is my penis the whole penis they're great for your dick these sweatpants will make even the worst dick look good i promise you that but there were these kids they they spilled like gatorade or something on the pavement and so there was a swarm of bees oh my god and they were trying to like step on the bees i was like children you're supposed to be afraid of bees and the parents are like cut it out cut it out and they were just trying to fight the bees i was like what kind of kids are not afraid of bees these kids are fucking psychos psychos i mean that's one of the craziest i've ever heard i was like i was i ran away from it that's that's some lock up like like those kids

don't even know they're allergic to bees yet no yeah they could be dead you're not afraid of bees and the dark i mean those are two things that forever if a bee comes by and if the light goes out i scamper up the stairs as fast as i can it's crazy fucking kids and people hiding in dark rooms but i guess that's kind of the same thing well that everything we should we should all make sure we get Producer Kim for that one. He's, well, yeah, fucking. Yes, people hiding in the darkness. Well, I'm not going to lie. When I came in here and there was a body on the ground in the dark. Oh, you saw it too?

Yeah, that was pretty scary. I popped up right away, though. Nick didn't wake me up. Brandon woke me up. Back to the voicemails brought to you by the Farmer's Dog. Have you ever wondered why every dog food, no matter how pretty the bag looks, however big, however small, no matter what the price is,

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Fight KFC Super Producer VC. I have a question for you guys. So this kind of ties into last week's episode a little bit and basically like the whole alien thing, but not exactly. So I just have a quick question. The caller that left a voicemail about like putting up with your significant others like activities so

i my boyfriend he's a great guy he is awesome but one of his things is that he likes to ghost hunt um i just want your thoughts on this like are ghosts real have you had any experiences um you know should i keep putting up with this and uh yeah i mean i guess this is right up the alley of the magic restaurant right i think that uh i think that ghost hunting is one that you gotta you gotta do that on your own and you can't expect anybody to be down with that if they're not down with that they're not down with that you know like you can't expect your girlfriend to go ghost hunting with you and by the way he probably doesn't want you to go why wouldn't he want her to go because first of all nobody really likes when their girlfriend does all

their shit with them and second of all ghost hunting is something that the people who are ghost hunting take it very seriously and if you bring an outsider in who's skeptical and not really taking it seriously then it ruins the whole ghost hunting experience. I would not want some skeptic coming on while I got like my Ghostbusters kid out and she's like, honey, this isn't real. Fuck off. Neither is our love. I feel like that's one that he's like, you know, let me go and I'll be back in a couple hours. Yeah. I mean, I think people who enjoy ghost hunting do not have a decent sense of social norms. So I think you should not want your girlfriend to come.

I think this person is so twisted and just doesn't understand how the world works that it does not even cross his mind that this could possibly be a turnoff or something stupid she thinks like it does yep he has lost all grasp on reality it doesn't just the world the world is upside down for him yep and he thinks ghost hunting with toys that beep randomly this is gonna make her he thinks he's actually out there hunting ghosts i am detecting some skepticism in your voice, John. I do not think it's real, yes. Do you not believe in ghosts at all? You know what? I always say no,

and then you'll tell me about the footsteps in your apartment, and I'll be like, yeah, sure. I mean, yeah. The thing that I don't believe in is what you said. I don't think if you go to a hotel with a gun with a fucking thing, like a microphone on the end of it, and it goes like... That there's a ghost there. I don't think that you can see them with special goggles.

But I think that there's something paranormal out there. I don't know. It just doesn't... I don't think I believe in ghosts. No? I don't think so. The real. No? I don't think so. The real test is like gun to your head somehow. If I can tell you a lie and you're dead, I think my body would be saying no. My brain would be like, this doesn't exist.

But I believe – I'm not going to fight you on it. If you're like, I've seen ghosts. I'm like, all right, man. Then you've seen ghosts. Sure. But if you – That night I really, really genuinely believed it. I really did really did i was scared fucking shitless i was paralyzed in my bed

it was fucking something running across the hallway up there i swear to god do you have what what's your thing that you think that like your girlfriend should definitely not want to see you in this environment but you don't even think about that like you it doesn't even register to you that it could be a turnoff. I mean, I don't even have hobbies and shit, but probably sex. I was going to say jerking off. Yeah, like see me naked. I was like, she should not.

She probably doesn't want to or shouldn't see me naked. I actually don't want to see. I stubbed my toe getting out of the shower, and I was like, she should not, you know, she probably doesn't want to or shouldn't see me naked. I don't, I actually don't want to see, you know, I stubbed my toe, get out of the shower and I was completely naked and I was screaming. I was like, fuck it. Cut bed.

Fuck. As I was hopping up and down on one foot, soaking wet. She saw you. I can't imagine. And she saw, I mean, I can't believe you didn't break up.

I guess I can. It must've been the most disgusting site in the history. then she still wanted that sex you just i mean just like me screaming about good ugly i didn't even stub my toe i just i tried to put my leg down too early so i just kicked the shower yeah it wasn't like i stepped on something right right right and i i mean i was i was not rage. Yeah. Like rage, rage, fucking rage. Um, that's a little different than go something, but I get what you're going. Yeah. The, I think I had a scene speaking of social norms and what I would not want.

I went to the movies on Saturday night. Oh yes. I went to, I went Friday night by myself. The 1110 showing of Ad Astra. I was there until like two in the goddamn morning. And I usually I was I was a little skeptical to begin with, but I really wanted to see it. My friends wanted to go to dinner after work. And I was like, fine, fuck.

I went. I ate. Got a little drunk. Still really wanted to see Brad Pitt in the movie. It just came out that night. And I looked it up and I was like 1030 as I got home. I was like, fuck it. Perfect timing.

I had some espresso martini, so I was still awake. I went there. I got my Bunch O' Crunch and my popcorn and my soda. I walk into the IMAX. I've done IMAX, but very rarely. I really don't do it, so that theater is fucking ridiculous in general. Too much. And I walk in, and there's just like five or six individual dudes.

That's it. And there was one gay couple, which was weird. I just thought that was weird. It's like a bunch of fucking old, either widowed or divorced men seeing this space movie and this gay couple sitting in the middle being cute with each other. And boy, oh boy, was that a tough scene. Based on that room, homosexuals got it right.

Yeah, big time. They know what they're fucking doing. They made the right choice. Yeah, they really... You want a bro to go to the movies with at 11 o'clock on Friday night? We got you covered. And he's going to suck your dick later? Yeah.

Amazing. I love the previews, but being at like a half hour worth of previews at 11.10, when you know you're going to be there until 2 a.m., I was like, let's get this show fucking started here. And then for a movie that didn't exactly have the big payoff when it ended, I was like, I guess I'll go home now. It's tough. You walk out, and the movie theater is shut down.

No one's even there anymore. There aren't any employees left. Yeah, no. I was almost thinking about running around and doing whatever I want up in this bitch right now. But yeah, that was... John said,

man, you're living the life. I was like, okay. That's a spin zone I can get down with. Sure. Living the dream, man. What's sad about going to the movies along with a bunch of divorced dads? 12 at night, nothing. Last Voicemail of the Day is brought to you by Raycon.

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15% off. Last one. When Melissa Etheridge. Hey, KFC chicken sandwich. off your order that's buyraycon.com slash kfc 15 off last one when melissa athridge when melissa athridge was still kind of coming up um my parents went to a melissa athridge concert at like a small club in san francisco and my dad was like shit a lot of hot girls out tonight i did not put two and two together and then all the hot girls started making out with each other and he was like yep this makes a lot of sense i'm at a melissa atheridge concert in san francisco this that's got to be the gayest moment that's ever happened that's got to be it right this i should have predicted what was going to

happen with all of these women here you're doubted at melissa i mean that's just the fucking what a story he's he's he's got the weirdest like taste and things for like who he is yeah he loves he's hyper masculine yeah he's like hyper masculine but not yeah but he likes melissa that's that's why i have the perfect uh amount you are the perfect man i am the i am i am legitimately the perfect masculine man i have the perfect amount. It's not a good amount. It's a good argument, though. It's a low amount. Like, if I'm being honest, I'm like, I could use a little bit more.

How much more? Like, John's amount. Yeah. Like, I'd like to be able to wrestle with my fucking buddies. I don't. I could. I wish. You know?

I have. You know what? You know what is a really good measure? Like, I really like that John can knock a guy out with one punch. That's pretty cool. That's a pretty cool amount of masculinity. I wish I could do that. I would like to be able to one punch a guy.

Do we start wrestling, Kev? No. Not with you. Maybe I'll start with like vibs. That'd be a good match. Last one. Hey, KFC chicken sandwich, final burger,

and super producer Big Mac C. I just have a quick fuck, marry, kill for you all. So, fuck, marry, kill, Erica Nardini, Christina from The Bachelor, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Good luck with that. First of all, the sandwich joke thing. I mean, girls are just not funny. That was bad. So bad. That was bad. You dumb, hypersexualized, submissive idiot. I got to marry...

Marry Nardini. I have to marry Nardini. I'm going to fuck Christina and I have to kill Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'm not going to fuck Stone Cold. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to fuck or kill the person who has the ability to fire me, obviously. That's a Mary.

And... Yeah, I guess if I had to choose to fuck someone, Stone Cold or a pretty girl, probably going to fuck the pretty girl. Yeah. No disrespect to Stone Cold, but I'm pretty sure the rattlesnake is good with my answer, too. Imagine Hendricks, oh, goddammit, those guys from Barstool said they were going to fuck me. I like them boys at first, but tell you what, tell you what, they ain't going to gay fuck me. I'm never going back on that show no more yeah i mean i i mean to be fair i guess

i guess you take that as a highest compliment where i was like hmm who would i fuck the hot chick from that tv show or now i think i thought i at least repeated the question back in my head she must be thinking he's gonna say marry uh christina because he thinks she's hot on the bachelor and all that shit and then you're in quite the pickle because you gotta fucking kill your boss. But I'm a pro here. I marry my boss. Marry my boss in a heartbeat. Come on. Gotta wake up earlier than that to get one by me.

Marty is a cool-ass chick. Little too submissive for my taste, but I suppose in this game, I guess I'll have to bite the bullet here and marry my hypersexualized submissive spouse. Turn around.

Look at what you see in her face. The mirror of your dream. Make believe I'm everywhere Give it in the light Written on the pages is the answer

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