KFC Radio - The Nonsensical Disparagement of Jim Halpert, Regions Restaurant, The Situation, and Samantha Bee

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

We are building the perfect restaurant with all the best meals from each restaurant. The NBA might be adding a mid-season tournament but the NHL needs this more than anything. Barstool Pond Hockey is coming February 2020. In Defense of Jim Halpert. Voicemails: AirBnB Murder, Bringing fake girlfriend on vacation, Condiments would you rather, Lady Mailman. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is out of jail and dropping knowledge. Samantha Bee stops by to chat about Full Frontal and her new election app Totally Unrigged Primary.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by Truly Hard Seltzer, the perfect cocktail when you want to sip on something, you don't want to float up on beer, you don't want to drink anything, you don't want to rip shots of liquor, you don't want to just sip on wine. A nice spiked seltzer. It's refreshing.

You know what I'm excited for this year? Because the spiked seltzer craze, and Trulia in particular, have become more of a barstool staple through the summer. I haven't had one on the mountain. Looking forward to a mountain bevy. The Apre ski is the only ski in my mind what is what does it actually mean like after ski yeah that's not super fancy to me to me it's like that's the only ski there is like there's a before ski a buffray ski or some shit no no i ain't doing the skiing i just want to do the drinking and this yeah popping your backpack doing the mountain why not mountain doing a hot

tub just do it in the in the cabin when all the people go skiing. Do it for breakfast. Why not? For breakfast, lunch, dinner. Yeah, have a nice pomegranate truly for breakfast. I like the wild berry personally. Wild berry, that's mine as well. Blueberry, how do you say that word?

Acai, acai, acai. I say acai. Acai. But I don't think that's right. I think it's acai. I think it's acai. See, the thing about it is I think it's acai, but if it's acai. But see, the thing about it is I think it's acai. But if it's not and you're running around saying acai, you're an idiot.

I definitely think it's acai. Yeah? Oh, wrong. Wrong. I think it's a snotty. No, it's not acai. It doesn't matter how you say it. You sound like a dickhead.

Yeah, so true. You say it however you want. Yeah, blueberry, acai, acai. It doesn't matter. It's not a shit bag. Either way, they got a bunch of different flavors. And it's not just the warm weather. It can be a wintertime drink.

You got the holiday. As long as it gets you there, as long as it's refreshing and takes the edge off. I'll drink it all year round at any sort of event, any gathering. 100 calories too, so you won't be fat, which is good because I am. So you won't be fat. 5% ABV. So you're going to get a little buzz on. They got the citrus pack, the berry pack, the tropical pack.

And I personally like the watermelon kiwi too. That's a refreshing flavor you don't get very often. So get yourself some truly hard seltzer. It's Thanksgiving week, baby. We got a monster episode for you. A couple interviews, a bunch of voicemails, and a partridge in a motherfucking pear tree. What are you thankful for, John? Five o'clock yeah yo this day

today I did 4 interviews 2 hours of radio a rundown and a podcast that's obnoxious that's stupid that's what it is that is a lot

I didn't even mean today in particular 5 o'clock I'm thankful for 5 o'clock. Just 5 o'clock. 5 o'clock I'm thankful for. 5 o'clock is probably the thing I'm most thankful for in life. That's so true. It's poetic. Thank you. You know what we need?

One of those, like, you know those, like, whistles? Like, whoo, whoo? Where you work in, like, a coal mine or something? Yeah. We need that for, like, the blog world. Yeah. Dude, just for... 5 o'clock.

You need it for the... Like, homeless guys need a 5 o'clock whistle. Yeah. Just like, dude, it's 5. All right. Fucking right. It's time to shoot up. Homeless guys need a 5 o'clock. Yeah. Just like this is 5. All right. Time to shoot up. Fucking right. It's 5 o'clock.

Fucking right, baby! Hell yeah! I mean, that... But now you're grinding on the street corner. It's 7 a.m. Nah, I'm not gonna. 5 o'clock, baby! That might mean I don't take any more money home

because I'm done with my panhandling, but I ain't doing it anymore. It's quitting time. There's a reason why that, you know, it's 5 o'clock somewhere phrase fucking is everywhere. It's a great one. Is that Jimmy Buffett? Did he invent that?

Jimmy Buffett and, you know, I don't know if he, I don't know if it's, I would guess he adopted it. Yeah. But I don't know. It's a, who's a, Alan Jackson is a five o'clock somewhere. No. Yeah. Jimmy Buffett and Alan Jackson is a five o'clock somewhere.

It's like the kombucha girl. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm right on that one But yeah, I think that's the one thing I'm most thankful for In life, it's 5 o'clock I am most thankful this year

For hypothetical questions Stupid, would you rather I'm thankful for those every year This year in particular was a 5 o'clock year for me But yeah, I'm For dumb internet questions. We're very lucky people. We are.

We're, no, you know what? We're very opportunistic people. Because those questions have been there. That sounds... A little rapey? I wasn't going to say rapey. I was going to say predatory, but I didn't mean that in a rapey sense. I just meant like, you can be a predator without

having non-consensual sex with someone, I think. You can be. Sexual predators are those ones. Right, but unfortunately, I hear the word predator now. It's like, I ain't thinking about hockey, and I ain't talking about planet Earth. I actually, I think Predator's the national second. I do think like,

just someone who attacks. I think of intergalactic bounty hunters. I have not been poisoned. My well has not been poisoned with the Me Too era where that just controls every thought of mine. Spoken like a predator. It's just like, oh my god,

it's Nashville. Definitely not. No, it's not one. It's not one, but just, I don't know. I think, maybe I just see it's all one. It's not one. But just, I don't know. I think maybe I just see it's all one. It's like it's got like the body of Harvey Weinstein and the head of the predator. And it's got yellow arms. Trig, make me a predator. The Predator, capital P.

All of the predators. There's a fucking. And he's reaching under his desk to push a button to close the door. Yeah, there's a fake tree in the corner, a fake bush. And then it's just got the legs of a lion. That's what I think about it. I love it. I hear Predator.

I love it. That whole thing jerking off into a pot. I love it. Unreal. But no, I'm saying we took it and turned it into something that it's turned out to be quite good for business. So that's what I'm thankful for. I am as well. For the fans and the listeners and the callers.

This should be the year, by the way. I think we should lead the charge. We're going to do truly year-round, stuffing year-round. Don't you just disparage the good name of stuffing. You know me better than this. Why should it not be at least a winter meal all year round? All winter, every winter. Yeah.

I don't... You know? This is... Have I divulged my business idea yet? No. Do tell. The one we were going to create a restaurant, chain restaurant called Regions? No.

I like it. And it's just the best foods from every region. Yes. Like, every region's got great food. Like, why can't I get a Chicago beef here? Yes. Why can't I get steak tips here? Why can't I get cheeseburger sub here?

The Philly cheesesteak is the craziest thing to me because it's the simplest sandwich in the world. And Philadelphia's the only people who fucking do it right. It's just like, why? Why? I don't like that I said that out loud. Well, I was never going to do it anyway. You can't open a restaurant, but boy, that's good. Right?

It's a national trend. It goes everywhere. Some things make sense. Like, if you can't get, like, fresh seafood in, like, a certain place, fine. Like, you're not going to get, like, you know, Maine lobster or something. But, like, the rest of this shit is fucking, you can do it. You can do it. I want a coffee milk right now.

Why can't I get a coffee milk? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, this is my point. This is my point right here. What about a Seinfeld? What's the deal with coffee milks? What about my Quahogs? I got stuffy.

I'd kill for a stuffy right now. Is that like a stuffed clam? Yeah, stuffed clam. It's got stuff with like cherries and fucking stuffing. Stuffing, yeah. It's breadcrumbs, right? It's full of stuffing. It's a clam with stuffing and cherries in it.

You can't even taste the clam. It's the best. Yeah, that's the best part of the clam. There's everything but the clam. Yeah. And actually, shout out Rhode Island. We do do stuffing year-round. Stuffies are year-round food.

He said do-do. We do do. We do do stuffing year-round. Regions. Wow. What else would be in there? I'm an idea guy. Not a fucking numbers or logistics guy.

You figure it out. New York pizza, Philly cheesesteak, Chicago beef. I guess you figure it out new york pizza philly cheese steak chicago beef uh i guess you could throw the chicago style pizza in there people smell like that uh steak tips like like we need like cheeseburger subs you need good uh like tex mex like like sat like uh good like tacos from like southwest but like the thing is too like i wouldn't even fucking phone did you guys hear that? John's phone is broken. And every time it goes off... It is insane that you of all people haven't fixed that yet.

Why would I fix it? Because I can't believe you're not embarrassed by this. It's perfectly on brand that I wouldn't fix this. Not when it's causing the scene. I mean, this is the first day it's caused the scene. Well, it's causing a large one. I don't even know what else would be in it because I haven't been to those. Basically, I've got to get people from everywhere and be like, this is what we do.

Some southern barbecue. But no, I think that's too well-known. I think it's just some shit I don't even know about. Like, you didn't know about stuffies. You didn't know about chocolate milk, coffee milk. You didn't know about steak tips. You didn't know about cheeseburger subs. Like, that's all.

That's my job. Steak tips is really crazy to me. Steak tips is crazy. It's just like chopped up steaks. It's just like cut up the steak differently and Jared will eat it. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. I need representatives from every region. But to be honest, I think we hit them all.

I think we just hit everything. Nah, that's because we think, but just because you're not from there. You would think like, ah, the Northeast, we got it. But guess what? There's probably some shit in Maryland I don't know about. We're not doing that. We're not doing crap. We're not doing that. You were right. Old Bay seasoning and chilling that. We're not doing crab.

Okay? We're not doing that. Yeah, because that's tough. Also, soft shell crab. You guys are disgusting. I mean, that is disgusting. I remember vividly. I got that when I was like a younger kid, and I realized I like lobster and crab and all

that shit. I ordered one, not understanding the difference between the two. I was just like, okay, crab, sure. And my uncle was like, it's soft shell. You sure you want that? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got it. That was the most disgusting thing I've ever had two I was just like okay grab sure And my uncle was like it's soft shell You sure you want that I was like yeah yeah yeah I was like what do you mean I eat the whole thing The whole thing what

It's got a fucking protective It's got a shell to protect it from predators And I'm just going to eat it No that's disgusting I would like maybe some help From people I don't know what other foods I need to know about For the restaurant that I'm not going to open.

Just a little local bits. Yeah. Yeah. There's some stuff out there that – and you just go and the menu is a map. Yep. And it's got all the fucking – I'd like to order from here. I want that one.

I want that stuff down there. Guess what? You can get some fucking Pacific Northwest and some New England and some Southern. That's what you want. You can get some fucking Pacific Northwest and some New England and some Southern. That's what you want. That's what you want. You can get it. As long as, like, you can. There's got to be some reason why you can't, right?

Like, why? You know, again, let's take the cheesesteak because it's just as simple as can be. Steak cheese bread. Like, why can we not? Is it just that people don't do it? Or is there, like, we can't get that type of steak somewhere else? Oh, it's where they don't do it. But also, the cheesesteak, I don't think it's a good example because I do think cheesesteaks are a pretty popular one, right?

You can get cheesesteak anywhere. I mean, New England, you can get cheesesteaks. You get cheesesteaks here. Where? I feel like I could get a steak and cheese anywhere. We call them steak and cheese in New England, not cheesesteak. I mean, I don't know. I can't.

We've ordered steak and cheeses before. From where? I don't know, Shorty's? Shorty's is here, yeah. I'll give you Shorty's. I feel like it needs to be more like, like that is like the Philly spot opened in New York. You know what I mean?

It needs to be, you can get at New York restaurants, you can get these things. Just make a steak and cheese. But it's like, yeah, if they can, they opened up a place that they can get those things, like sent here or sent from Philly or whatever. Why don't you all fucking do it? Yeah.

It's insane. I think, I think, I think when we don't create this restaurant, we'll create, we'll make some waves. John Taffer. Let's talk to John Taffer. Oh, let's talk to Taffy baby. He'll probably be like, you guys are so fucking stupid. That's not how distribution routes run.

Yeah. For some reason, this is dumb. I'll make it run that way. For some reason, this is dumb. I know that. I don't think it is. No, but I agree. But, like, someone's going to be like, there's going to be like a, no, you idiots.

And I'm going to be like, oh, okay. No, I don't think this is going to happen. As long as we're staying, again, I think we both acknowledge seafood is a little different animal. Right. Although there are red lobsters in fucking Ohio. Yeah. It won't be the best fucking lobster salad you ever had in your life. It can't be like, well, yeah, you can get coffee milk here, whatever that is, and it sucks.

It's got to be good enough that the locals would be like, yeah. But I think it's all, every region has their thing where, oh, gumbo. Yeah. Gumbo, jambalaya. Hell yeah, that's going to be in there. By the way, I could not even tell you one ingredient of gumbo and jambalaya. Not at all. Rice. Okay. Didn't even know that. I think there's some going to be a nightmare. By the way, I could not even tell you one ingredient of gumbo and jambalaya. Not at all. Rice.

Okay. Didn't even know that. I think there's some shrimp in there. Yeah. Some spicy sausages. I'm going to get into that. So that's kind of nice. Yeah, I mean, there's just shit.

There's shit all over the place. And even if, like, it's so good, but for some reason kept secret, even if you have a mediocre one, you're like, whew, this is pretty fucking good stuff. I guarantee you that. That's a good idea. All I have. All I have is that. It's a good idea. All I have. All I have is ideas. I'm like the Joker.

Keep asking about negative thoughts. All I have are negative thoughts but also good ideas. I want your Thanksgiving power rankings for food real quick. Thanksgiving brought to you by Stitch Fix. You want to look casual? You want to look sophisticated?

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in your box. Go to stitchfix.com slash KFC. Lowering the bar. Vibs did it in a video the other day. Power ranking your Thanksgiving dishes. Okay. Just give me your top three. Top three.

Yeah. It's pretty simple, but it's also, I give you my top four easily. Okay. I'm going gonna go one stuffing cranberry sauce turkey and it's not been happening online recently and it's anti-turkey movement it's the disparaging of turkey i don't i don't understand it i'm kind of with it why i just don't need turkeys Turkey's, like, really, really good. It's all right. It's not really, really good.

When you mix it all up, like, a Thanksgiving dish is really, really good, and turkey, there have been two things happening online recently that I do not care for. One, the disparaging of turkey. Two, the disparaging of Jim from the office. And it's not, they're both equally nonsense. They're humongously important pieces that the whole thing doesn't work without them. God damn it, that was amazing how i just did that whoa baby that was another point i wanted to bring up today and i just rubbed it right in right in right in there it fits perfectly

it's not the star but it's a humongously important piece that's good yeah yeah well i mean now that you said that i almost feel like i have to agree with the turkey take but uh i i can do thanksgiving dinner without the turkey i can't do the office without jim and nobody else can either so fuck off if you're trying to just it's like i mean the office has gone through every iteration of of love and hate it's the best show ever no it's overrated it's it's complicated no it's not coming steve carell is funny no he's problematic pam is a fucking bitch no she's one of the best couples ever now they're doing with jim harper it's you know it's part of the i think it was i forget who had it um what website might have been esquire or something like that but it was like uh john krasinski's always been a cop and it was like

about jack ryan but he's referencing all of his gym things and it's like it's like oh he stole a guy's he stole a fiance's yeah uh fiance's fiance i guess no he didn't that other fiance lost his fiance right it was a fucking dick yeah he's an absolute asshole yeah and then it's like well he was doy's bully no bully doy's a psychopath first of all they respected each other and they liked they were worthy opponents and and they were like it's like it's a fucking comedy. Don't break it down that much. Jim was a good guy. It's funny when you do it once or twice.

You know what I mean? It's like, let's really examine this. You look at it from a different angle, and it's like, oh, yeah, that guy was a bad person. It's like, okay, fine. You do it with every character. It's a testament to how good and long The Office has been around. It's like, we can dissect even the bit characters to an annoying extent. But the turkey, John, the turkey's not necessary.

I don't understand why. What do you mean it's not necessary? None of it's necessary, really. I mean, I think you can just have all the sides and be completely satisfied. I think you deal with almost every meal. Right. So, you know. But turkey's really good.

I think if you don't have mashed potatoes, it's not going to be that good of a Thanksgiving meal. I think if you don't have stuffing, it's not going to be a Thanksgiving meal.

You could take one item from any Thanksgiving plate. You can still have it. It's still really good without it. You can take mashed

potatoes away as long as you still have like squash and I would be very disappointed if there's no mashed potatoes and no stuffing and no people, white trash, cranberry. I would not be very disappointed if there's no mashed potatoes and no stuffing and no poor people, white trash, cranberry.

I would not be very disappointed if there was no turkey. I would be very disappointed. It's delicious. If it's cooked right, turkey's delicious. I like the crispy skin. Some of you fucking pours out here. It's so dry. Now if you cook it right, you dumb bitch. Get a good mom, for fuck's sake.

Actually, I'll tell you what. I think it's more the gravy than the turkey you gotta make sure you cook good gravy maybe gravy's the most important part of a Thanksgiving meal cause that slops it all together I don't even know what I'm eating half the time it looks like a massacre it looks like a dead body

mashed up cause you got the red in there from the cranberry and the white the turkey looks like fucking flesh and then you got the mush in there from i'm just eating up whatever yeah it's so good i don't i just don't need the turkey but i think but i but when it's there it's delicious i don't need it no you need a protein in your meal and i don't even have a health reason i just mean like that's that's what like that's what makes a meal i don't mean like you need you need to break down the fucking fats or whatever like give me a filet mignon. I'd be happy.

Oh, yeah. You could do... But now... When people do filet mignon for Christmas, let's do it for the kids. But you can't... The beauty of the turkey... You can't mix it all up. You can't mix up a filet mignon like that. I agree with that.

The turkey mixes up perfectly. I love a turkey chili. Turkey's great to kind of just slice and dice and mix up. And it's got a nice texture to it that you can fucking enjoy the meal. You know what's crazy? Stop disparaging turkey. It's fucking nonsense. When you look at a live turkey,

I mean, that's disgusting. Like when you see their gobbly neck and their feathers and they're all that weird floppy. It looks like they just have testicles hanging from their head and you're not really going to kill that. I don't need his head. Yeah, thank God we just chopped those things off.

I just feel like we need to not worry so much about the turkey. Yeah, thank God we just chopped those things off. Yeah. Fucking large. I'll eat those. I just feel like we need to not worry so much about the turkey, and we need to start eating stuffing a little more often. Yeah, we'll come around. Come up this summer. Yeah, I mean, like breadcrumb stuffing and different things is like, I want to fucking. Do you like the stuffing? SVP was tweeting this the other day, which I did not care for.

SVP said stuffing, if you cook it in the turkey, is disgusting, which I completely disagree with. I don't know if I really, like, know. I guess I only know being cooked in the turkey. I also, you know. I'm so fucking gassed up for Thanksgiving. Hell yeah. I'm super poor, people, when it comes to Thanksgiving. Like, I like the fake cranberry.

I like, like, the stovetop stuffing. I don't need, like, when you put, like, the sausage and the weird stuff into the stuffing i don't need all that i like i probably do all that we we always have both we have we have all we have we always have the uh higher class version of things i guess and we always have the trash version i like like pillsbury crescent rolls uh ocean spray cranberry stovetop stuffing i'm a happy man i can fuck with that yeah i'd be those are things we should just eat all year round. Crescent rolls are dope. I mean, I could eat 30 of those and you're done.

You just put the motherfucking butter in there. I'd fuck that thing. I would put my dick inside that. I'm gonna just fuck the bowl of crescent rolls this year. I'm gonna fuck them. Oh, goddammit. Yeah. Your meal's ruined. I'm definitely gonna fuck them.

Alright, who do we have on the show today? We got Samantha Bee, funny comedian Fuck him. Oh, god damn it. Yeah. Your meal's ruined. I'm definitely going to fuck him. All right. Who do we have on the show today? We got Samantha Bee, funny comedian from Full Frontal, and she's got a new app out, Talking Politics, and we got The Situation. Sitch. Who is... I'm so happy that guy's home. I like that guy a lot.

He's a fucking... He's not a real human. No. He is a complete cartoon character. Can we do do i almost need somebody to make a situation count he said the word situation oh yeah 22 times it was if we were still bringing up the office it's like when michael kept saying manager or manage to joe when she was trying to decide if it's going to be jim or mike and uh who would be the manager

like planting i can manage it we'll see if we can manage it. See who manages it. Like he says, you know, it's the situation. We got a situation. But then also he'll just be like, so I had the situation at work. And he just uses the word constantly. It's unbelievable. Just planting that seed.

So we got a couple monster interviews for you. But first we'll get into our – John has a hockey... Two hockey announcements. Brought to you by Omaha. It's gift-giving season, baby. And honestly, we should start this earlier and you could have the Omaha steaks for Thanksgiving dinner.

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all that food for under $70. It's the favorite gift for the holiday season. When you go to omahasteaks.com, use the promo code KFC. What do you got for me in the hockey world, Johnny? Well, first of all, we got big news in the Barstool hockey world, which is we are launching the Barstool Sports Pond Hockey Tournament. What? Which is going to be big fire, quite literally.

However awesome you think it's going to be, it's going to be so much more awesome. It's February 21st. Let me get the exact dates here. I believe it's February 21st in New Hampshire, Lake Winnipesaukee, and February 28th, I think, in – yeah, so Lake Winnipesaukee, New Hampshire, Lake Winnipesaukee, and February 28th, I think, in... Yeah, so Lake Winnipesaukee, New Hampshire is February 21st and 22nd. Lake Muskoka

in Gravenhurst, Ontario, outside Toronto, is February 28th and 29th. Oh, we're going to Canada with this shit? Yeah, buddy. International's a bitch. First day's opening ceremony, second day's an all-day tournament. It's four-on-four, four divisions, eight persons per team, eight people per team, all-day tournament. It's four on four. Four divisions. Eight persons per team.

Eight people per team. All co-ed. December 16th is registration. It's like one of those, like, spectators are encouraged, and they're both in, like, stool-y territory. So the spectators will be out. There will be bars on the ice. There will be red carpets. We're going to have, like, press conferences.

It's going to be fucking sick. We have the Barstool team. I think Witt and Biz are going to coach us, maybe rear-add. People are chirping like, why don't you have them on a team? I don't know. They're fucking running your show, you idiots. They're fucking professional hockey players. What are you fucking

talking about? I don't know. They'll play two against all the fucking four of you and win. They should have to play with like, they don't get to wear skates or something. Yeah. They have to run on their bare feet. You think we didn't want biz and wit on our fucking team? Yeah, we did. We'd win.

The joke of Barstool is when we lose and we embarrass ourselves. Even our team now is pretty fucking stacked still between we have two Division I hockey players, one national champion. Who's that? We got Rudy, YP, Riggs, Grinnell, me, and then Erica is not playing with us. Erica is playing with her police officer friends, which is bullshit. Fuck you guys. Yeah.

He was like, nah, I don't think so. She might lace him up with us too. But we had a couple of spots to fill. I think we're trying to find maybe a couple of people who are just absolutely not hockey players. Your name was thrown out. I said Kevin. Kevin will die. That ain't happening. i don't know maybe glennie is it like can you like check and shit no no no no no no no it's fun hockey um but it's so cool i guess we had like the eight

across i think i think both locations have sets of seven sheets of ice or something like that we're gonna have games to play um for the spectators that are there one i'm pushing for is uh just longest shot because you never get to do that maybe they see how far you can rip it up yeah yeah yeah but like i don't know how much like like i don't know you can't zamboni a fucking lake i don't know how much like space you'll have to clear out for that but we are working on games we'll probably have like a goalie challenge with dave type not with dave but like type of challenge yeah goalie challenge type deal you have a bunch of like said live bars live bands it's gonna be fucking like it's gonna be like a fucking fun ass day i the the video went viral the other day one of those like you know satisfying videos accounts

and it was uh pond hockey skating around and i was like is this fucking real yeah when you're outside like that it's a scene it's fucking so good When you're outside like that, it's a scene, man. It's fucking so good. Pond Hockey is the absolute best. It's so much fun. It's like so, we've already used this word earlier in the show, but like so primal. It's just like you fucking, like, possum skates on your stick, throw it over your shoulder like a hobo, walk through the woods to a lake. That's what we used to do when I was a kid.

I wish you fell through. You wish I fell through? Yeah. Like when I was a kid? Yeah. Come on. What's that about? That's funny. I'd be like autistic. Like when I was a kid? Yeah. Come on. What's that about? That's funny.

I'd be like autistic now or something. Yeah, that's true. More autistic than I am. You're like half brain dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like half brain dead for too long. I don't know if that's autism, but I apologize to the autistic listeners if that's what it was. You know what I meant.

I definitely don't think that's all. That doesn't work. If vaccinations cause it, why doesn't cold water? I can cover that up real nice. When is that? February 21st. February 21st, 22nd is Lake Winnipesaukee. February 28th, 29th is outside Toronto.

February is going to be a bitch between Super Bowl week and those two weeks. That's all of February. I mean, you get the extremes. South Beach to Toronto. But it's going to be awesome. Registration is December 16th, as I mean, you've got the extremes. South Beach to Toronto. But it's going to be awesome. Registration is December 16th, as I understand it. Mid-December. I mean, like the Barstool Classic, it's going to sell out in 30 seconds.

So make sure you're ready on December 16th. It's going to be very fun. Now, if you've got such good hockey ideas for amateurs, what have you got for the pros? Well, I had this idea over the weekend. And it's something I've discussed before, and I think I fixed the NHL. I think I did.

It was me and Jay Danahy have actually talked about this before, where it's, okay, so football has Thanksgiving, right? Yep. Belongs to football. Yep. The end, Christmas has the NBA. The NBA has Christmas. That's just what, like. Yep, they own that day. I think games start at 10 a.m. orongs to football. Yep. Christmas has the NBA. The NBA has Christmas. That's just what it, like.

Yep. They own that day. I think games start at 10 a.m. or something like that. It's crazy. Well, whatever. It feels like 10 a.m. I think it's a noon tip-off, but it plays all night long. Yeah.

It's every single day. Hockey and soccer are so linked because they're so similar in the sense that people don't really care about the sport until it's international or a tournament. And that's when people are like, I'm in. I love this. Also, hockey tournaments have, like holiday tournaments, have long been a thing. If you grew up playing hockey, you always had Halloween tournaments, your Christmas tournaments, your Thanksgiving tournaments. You always have some kind of tournament on the holidays.

The NBA, what made me think of it and become a larger advocate for it, is the NBA is starting some form of tournament on the holidays. The NBA, what made me think of it and become more a larger advocate for it is the NBA is starting some form of in-season tournament. Because they're brilliant. And because they do smart things. The envelope. The NHL is just like stupid. If you don't, like, it should be like a two-week tournament,

something along those lines, and every, round robin, one loss elimination. The championship game is the Winter Classic. Have like four or five days off before that. So you can get at least some fans. The Winter Classic is an event enough where people buy tickets to it. But especially if it's like, it'll essentially become a mini Super Bowl of sorts. Obviously nowhere near that level.

But fans will go because they know two good teams are going to play outside today. And then you have a couple of days for fans to scramble and be like, oh, fuck, we'll do this for New Year's. So I have a little bit of longer layoff between that game. But then, that's your championship game of the NHL Winter Tournament. The NHL

Holiday Tournament, whatever you want to call it. People would care about that. That would absolutely rope people in. That would get people involved. Do it like the FA Cup. That's what they do in the EPL. What you always do is get the players to be interested. It needs to be like a prize.

It's not the Stanley Cup. People care about winning the FA Cup. It's not the EPL. It's just the... We won a tournament. That's a cool thing to do. EPO. Because if the players are into it, the fans will follow. But it's just the, you know, like, we won. We won a tournament. That's a cool thing to do.

Maybe we don't win the whole thing this year, but this is cool. It's not like, you know, people will make, maybe you don't hang up banners or anything like that because people make fun of that or whatever. But, like, no, you do. People hang up banners for division championships. Hang up a banner. You won the fucking tournament. You won a tournament this year, whatever you call it. I think that would be a very popular thing.

And I had some people online tell me, like, that already exists, dude. It's called the World Junior Championship. Really? The Boston Bruins playing the World Junior Championship? The juniors playing that. Who the fuck cares about that? I'm not saying I invented hockey tournaments. Yeah, I know the World Junior Championship exists.

It's not this fucking tournament. I don't care about the juniors. I care about the pros. I want to watch the Bruins play. I want to watch the Canadians play. Yeah. I think if you just did it, you did it randomized, no seedings, no nothing. Randomized totally like the FA Cup does.

And that's fucking, people tune into that shit. I guarantee you people will tune into that shit. I mean, hockey fans should, like, love this. If you really want to do it like the FA Cup does, which is basically any team can make the FA Cup. Right. So you can have, like, fucking schmucks. So you start with the beer leagues. Yeah, yeah.

That I love. Adding college teams once that tournament comes to an end. Then you're like, all right, the winner of that tournament, you're in the college team. You catch some lightning in a bottle, and you've got some schmucks playing the pros. Right. That would be like even if an AHL team makes it to the NHL round,

or fucking BC, or Minnesota Duluth, right? Someone comes in there like, that's fucking awesome. You get your show run. Right. But just getting there. It's a fucking cool ass story. It gets people watching. Gary Bettman, you're such a goddamn fucking idiot.

He is the worst. Sorry for pounding the table. But you're a goddamn moron and it's very infuriating. And I think, I really think that would be so fucking cool. I think people would really care about it if you just did it like, infuriating. And I think, I really think that would be so fucking cool. I think people would really care about it if you just did it, like, you would,

you would own, like football owns Thanksgiving and like NBA owns Thanksgiving. A little bit of a holiday. You would own, like a two week stretch. A part of the year. You'd be like, fuck,

this is interesting. Yeah. It's, you know, you talk about, and maybe, yeah, there's an incentive for the players. You get a bonus. You win, right?

Whatever it is. But the, I do think, like people care about winning the FA Cup. I do think if it's just You get a bonus. You win, right? Whatever it is. But I do think people care about winning the FA Cup. I do think if it's just marketed right, players want to win, right? If it's not like – Just some prestige. If you can attach some prestige. It's hard to fabricate those things. You see with like the World Baseball Classic and stuff like that.

You got to just get the players to buy into it. If the players are like, this is awesome that I won that, then the next guy is like, well, I want to win it next. It's when you force that upon people, that's when they're like, well, you know. And if you get people to care, then guess what? You have a fucking bunch of playoff hockey, which everyone always says is the best sport. Like, oh, playoff hockey, get me a playoff hockey. Well, guess what?

Now you have it in the middle of the season. People pay attention halfway through the year. Maybe pick up on a team. Maybe pick up a new fan here. Or maybe they just watch for a little two weeks. Well, I mean, hockey, you should just try anything. What do you have to lose, Gary? Go back to being like the fourth rated sport, you know?

The problem is Gary Bettman is still just sitting around wondering what he's going to do when the New York Islanders never lose another hockey game. Shout out to Frankie Borelli. Frankie Borelli is on one. Frankie is so funny because every response he has right now is the Islanders. Yeah. What was that about, Frankie? The Islanders haven't lost the game in a while. So, like, that doesn't make any sense.

He was dying earlier today. Like, I think he was choking on a seed maybe or something like that. Beat, beat red. And, like, I had missed the actual choking, so I just caught the after effects. I was like, Frankie, are you okay, dude? He's like, I don't understand. I'm lost. I'm too much. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. What did's like, I don't understand what you're saying. You give me,

I'll be all right. I'll be all right. What'd you say? I don't understand. I lost this October 11th. October 11th, KFC. He's fucking right. I love KFC.

You're saving hockey, John. From the little people at Lake Winnipesaukee all the way up to the pros. Look, we win Lake Winnipesaukee. Because he's an ideas man. Hire him, Bettman.

Win the Lakewood, win the Pisaki tournament. Maybe we'll get you in the hockey tournament to win 2020. Maybe that could be it. 2021. That could be the first round is like Barstool Pond Hockey gets you a bid to play in the NHL tournament in season.

I think it'd be fucking awesome. And I think you should, we have fun here, but Gary Bettman, I know you're listening, I think you should, we have fun here, but Gary Bettman, I know you're listening. I think you should give this a real shot. Listen to the man. You're the worst. Voicemails brought to you by Manscaped, the best below the belt grooming in the world.

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Fight Super Producer BC. Tyler from Connecticut calling in here. So me and my buddies, we were trying to think of something to do for New Year's Eve, and why not just get an Airbnb. Who says that? Random house around your neighboring town. And it turns out that the house may have been owned by a murderer.

Someone may have been chopped up in there. Not 100% positive. Still looking into that. But I guess my question just is, shouldn't Airbnb have to tell you if someone has been murdered there? I don't care. I don't know how long ago. Yeah, no, definitely.

Bullshit. I feel like that should be like one of the first things that says like, hey, you can stay here for a cheap price, but someone may have been chopped up. I don't know. Give me your thoughts. No, I think you do. No way, dude. I think I can just close that. You can stay here for a cheap price, but someone may have been chopped up. I don't know. Give me your thoughts.

No, I think you do. No way, dude. I think you have to disclose that. Why? Ghosts, exorcisms, possessions, demonic possessions. But if you don't know about it, it can't happen. That's not true. That's not true. It is definitely true.

You have to know a place is haunted in order to be haunted by the ghost. If I walk into a place and I don't know it's haunted, the ghost will be like, ah, fuck, I can't do it to him. He doesn't know about me. Yeah, exactly. Yes. That's not how it works. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. It absolutely is. No, it's not. They ward off people. They're like, get out of my fucking house. It's my house. It's like a hair in your food. That's what a ghost is.

It's a hair in your food. If you don't see it, it didn't happen. It can't bother you. Well, that's... You're hurting me with these analogies here because I do believe in that one, but I don't believe that applies to fucking haunted houses. Haunted houses, they want to keep you out of their house. So if you show up, whether you know it or not, they're going to fuck with you.

They'll actually double fuck with you because at least if you know it's haunted, you're already going in and looking for it. If you're not looking for it, those ghosts are going to want to get you the fuck out of there. They're going to smatter blood all over the walls. Get this guy the fuck home i think you should have to disclose it i think if you know i i give a good rate if you're gonna give a good rate because someone was murdered there you have to disclose it if you're gonna try to just brush it under the rug fine let's roll the dice because then i'll be like dude this place was fucking haunted who knew but if i find out there was a murder and then i find out you

gave me a good price and then i have to go to you and be like, someone was chopped up here and you didn't tell me. Then that's on. I think I am very much, very much team. If it's going to upset me, don't tell me. And I think that when it's opting into a location where a demonic beast might kill you, I think you should. And we started with murder and I run demonic beast. Well, if someone gets chopped up to pieces there's a lot of the wall uh it's it's like if you hit it with that black light like you'll see that it was a repaint and we had to repaint

sure don't care don't care don't like not not only do i like that only thing you should tell me i actively do not want you to tell me rip because if i know about it if i know about it i will not go there. Like, it's like buying a house. I think that's bullshit. If it's a really nice house, don't tell me someone's been murdered here. Because I don't fucking care. It's a really nice house.

But if I know that someone's been murdered here, I don't want to buy it anymore. But I really want to buy this house. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let's say there's, like, you wrap up the rugs and there's still, like, a blood stain on the ground. Everyone I hire for the rest of my time there, I will just tell them, if you find something unsavory, don't tell me.

For all things. Food, houses. Gardener. People. Excuse me. I met this person. I really like them. Don't tell me they once murdered someone.

Yeah. You want to just ignorance is bliss and go marry an axe murderer? I genuinely believe in ignorance is bliss. I think it's like, yeah, if I had someone, I got a sweet deal on this Connecticut mansion. Oh, buddy, you wouldn't believe it. And then I get, you know what, guys, I'd like it in a ground pool. And then they come over and I say, hey, guys, just so you know, while you're digging the pool, if you happen to find a body, just get rid of it. No big deal.

Don't let me know about it. Just chop it up. I'm putting on an extension. Put on maybe even put a movie theater in the basement you know i like those i say guys while you're down here you find something on the wall if you get rid of it if you have a connecticut haunted theater haunted mansion that you put a movie theater in you are just asking to be murdered i look if i get murdered i still got a hell of a deal in that house i if you get if you get a mansion in the northeast for a good deal you know that there's been a murder there you know it's haunted yeah but it's a fact if i if i say like something like uh i'm like what's this all about like why is why is this so okay why is 50 cents mansion for 600

dollars yeah they won't tell you what if 100 year storm comes the basement might flood a bit but well that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, it's also like, well, the impracticality of having 50 bathrooms. That's why that house is cheap. It has 50 bathrooms. Yeah, you're going to have to spend a lot of money on toilet paper. Yeah, you flush like once and the whole house floods. If someone gives you a good deal and you ask, you don't want to know? No.

No. But if you say, hey, is this house cheap because there's been a murder? And they say no to you? I wouldn't say that. I'm not an idiot. You're just not even going to ask? I would not ask. Too good to be true, that's not a thing for you?

Oh, no. I mean, I would just know it's too good to be true. I would know there's something wrong. I just convince myself it's something else. Definitely. I can't. God, I want you to get murdered by a ghost you're so foolhardy with this you're ridiculous that's all right and guess what i would tell

that ghost with my dying breath frame frame gas so i did not see that so frame gas so look i wasn't a ghost that did it it was my roommate ghosts aren't real they don't bother you if you don't bother them guys just stabbed him in his sleep that's it happens man what's up fight kfc question for you i have a wedding coming up in the next two months with some of my family that I just had a wedding at

a month ago, and I went solo. I'd just broken up with my girlfriend, and it was a fucking disaster of just questions and queries, and, you know, he goes, no one, it's a fucking mess. So I came up with the idea of just asking, like, one of my hot girlfriends,

who is cool with the idea of posing as my girlfriend for five days. She was down for it. It's fucking five days in the Dominican Republic in the middle of February. Like, it's a beautiful fucking trip. And my friends are treating me like I'm Hannibal Lecter, like a fucking mess. This is the plot of, like, a fucking mess. This is the plot of a fucking movie. This is not real life. Stupidest shit ever. Just tell your parents...

I don't have a girlfriend right now. You know what this guy is? Throwback. The Italian? Maybe. I was going to say gay. Oh. I think he's more Italian. Okay. I like that too. You're having a good episode. You're having a strong episode. I'm just saying that if you really care about this,

I guess maybe you're Italian. I'm just saying a normal guy would be like, no, I don't have a girlfriend. And from a normal family. My family has never asked me anything like that. Sorry about the table. I'm so conscious of it now. I know.

They're never like, when are you going to get a girlfriend, John Henry? When are you going to do that? I don't fucking know. Leave me alone. Yeah, well, that's why no one's ever asked me. People who would even. But it's Italian families who do it.

If somebody did, I'd be like, I don't know. But if you're a little sensitive to it, that's why I was saying, maybe this guy's like, no, I'm going to get a girlfriend. No, I'm not gay. What are you talking about, mom? Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Whoa, whoa. But yeah, the Guineas do it, too.

Yeah, they love it man when are you gonna get me some grandchildren yeah they push hard i feel like the jews do it too do they i feel like the jewish mothers are always trying to set their the people up the irish are like look stop we don't need to have what are you gonna get knocked up jesus christ no no no you know fucking expensive these things are no fucking way i don't want grandkids i'm done yeah i'm gonna drink myself to death now i don't want grandkids. I'm done. I'm going to drink myself to death now. I don't want to take care of kids. It's very easy for me to go home for the holidays, and it's just like, yeah, whatever.

This doesn't affect you. Okay, let's say you're half Italian, and your mother's bothering you, or you're in the closet, or whatever. This idea of, again, writing a movie script where your friend who's a girl is going to play the romantic role. But also, like, it's so ridiculous. Like, you're going to hire for, he said, five days? We're not hiring. You basically are hiring.

This girl has to go live in your house for five days and pretend? No, they're going on vacation with the Dominican Republic. Fine. Five days? I think that's easy. I'd do that. Anyone wants me to be their fake boyfriend, I'm fucking with the Dominican. Like, any of my anyone wants me to be their fake boyfriend i'll fucking go to dominica with it like any of my friends want me to be a fake boyfriend yeah it's like i'm meeting

some new person like but to like pretend maybe we'll fuck at the hotel first of all i don't know that's like what is like what is even pretending to be a boyfriend or girlfriend i don't know you gotta like go to dinner and like hold hands that's all fucking bullshit but that if you're doing dumb shit like this you're probably like let's ham it up no the if you then If you're doing dumb shit like this, you're probably like, let's ham it up. No. Then you're going to be found out if you do that. You fucking, you throw a handhold here or there. You throw a hug here or there.

Wouldn't it be funny if this guy agrees to it and he's like smacking around the ass and like, yeah, let's go back to our hotel room. Fuck, man. It's just me and my bitch. Me and my bitch. Yeah, she sucks a great dick, man. I think this is a overly ridiculous idea

I would do it just to have my friend come to the Dominican with me just bring your friend and say I'm bringing a friend instead I don't know fucking fake relationship that's true then you have to have a god damn fake breakup at some point too

are they paying for this you gotta have a girlfriend to get paid some point, too. Are they paying for this? That sounds like it. Yeah. So you got to have a girlfriend to get paid for. Your friends don't get paid for. Yeah, that's true. So, yeah, but this is my girl. We have fun together.

We get drunk together. We don't fuck. Maybe we do in Dominican. Maybe he wants to date. That's what I'm saying. This is a romantic comedy idea where it starts out as a bet or whatever. And they do fall in love together. And it's like, I like it.

I love it. I love romantic but I love a romantic comedy plot yep guess what not real life so what make it real life okay oh the only things that aren't real life John says do it the only things that aren't real life are things you haven't tried to make real life Kevin oh god dropping proverbs

on him you'll hear some fortune cookies from the situation coming up in this interview you'll John would fit right in go ahead do it see what fucking happens yeah I can't wait for this to backfire. Keep me posted. Call me when you guys are drunk banging in the Dominican. Tough KFC fights Super Producer DC.

Got a good old would you rather. Alright, so would you rather have no condiments on any of your food ever, or would you rather have to have triple the amount of condiments on your food? The normal amount of condiments, like your fries and your sandwiches are all going to be soaked. I'm going none. I love that question.

Great one. Love that question. ATI, mark it down Um Boy You can't I mean triple is way too much Triple is what like

Is it triple what a regular person puts on it Or triple what I put on it That's the difference I don't use that much No it's like It's triple a serving amount From like a restaurant You know what

You want to know something that is That I do that is Simply grotesque? I love an Acela burger. I love an Acela burger. That's deplorable. When I get an Acela burger, I put on a ton of ketchup. Not just ketchup.

Mustard? Mayo? Not just mustard. Relish? Mayo. Yeah. I go all four. I go two packets of each.

All four. You ain't eating a burger. Yeah, I know. You're eating a mustard ketchup pickle sandwich. Ketchup sandwich. Dude, we used to work with this guy, Ronnie. Ronnie. It was when I had a job when I was like 5'15", and it was fucking – it was like his owned like a shipyard or something like that and like basically my job was i got 15 or whatever 10 an hour to just move rocks it was like it was

like communist russia where it's like we have a zero percent uh unemployment rate because like it's some people's job is just to move rocks from one place to another to another to another that's basically what my job was for summer and um i worked with this guy, Ronnie. And Ronnie was a mess. A real wild card. And he used to talk about eating his wife's ketchup sandwich. And he meant her pussy on a period. I'm so sick of eating Nadine's ketchup sandwich. He goes, but after I eat a ketchup sandwich, you let me fuck her.

I make her squeal like a pig. Yo, if you have to go down on a girl with her period in order for you to fuck, you are a sex addict. I would just be like, well, not fucking. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. That's abuse if you make crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. That's abuse if you make someone do it by the way.

Oh, man. I got to call my buddy. Imagine if you made a girl suck blood out of your dick. Yeah. Imagine if it was like, listen, my dick is going to shoot blood, but you got to do it anyway. Fucking ketchup on a hot dog. Me and my buddy worked together there.

God, dude. I got to call him and get some rhinestones. I've forgotten them because I have no memory anymore but right he does his voice great it's so fucking funny dude i did not see that coming when you first said ketchup sandwiches i thought it was like you know someone used to eat just like bread and ketchup no i thought that was gonna be the gross story no no no that was wife's bloody vagina was it well anyway anyway i don't think you can do triple the condiments i don't think you can either like think about saying like when you get a sandwich with mayo triple the mayo if you get like uh like barbecue sauce just like drenched in it and as i've grown older i've grown

i've i've i've strayed from condiments i'm a no-condiment guy by any stretch of the imagination. But I just eat them less and less. When I was a kid, I was like... Yeah. Ketchup on everything. Yeah, I was eating ketchup sandwiches. Yeah. Like, think about it. I put a decent amount of mustard on a hot dog.

If I tripled that... I put ketchup on a hot dog, too. Suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, you're a poor bitch. A little baby boy. A little bitch baby. Poor baby.

If I put, like, triple the ketchup, the mustard ketchup, the mustard on, it's inedible. It's too much. I mean, that's literally what people with eating disorders do to stop them from eating. Yeah. Wait, really? Well, they usually do it with something that doesn't match. They'll put ketchup on the chocolate cake so that you don't smother it in there so you won't eat it.

Really? Yeah. My buddy does that. I don't think he has an eating in there so you won't eat it really yeah my buddy does that i don't think he has an eating disorder though oh he's a guy yeah he just does it when like because you will he does it with french fries like when we're done eating and it's just like you're just gonna keep picking your fries right fucking well he puts ketchup on so he learned that from an anorexic girl ah okay i didn't know that that's what they do um but yeah the point is that like when you put too much cond, it becomes you can't eat it. So I'm just going to go dry.

Frank the Tank, shout out. What about if it was double? I could do double. I could do double too. Yeah. Double the normal amount, not double what I do because sometimes I almost do double. Like I said, I put a lot of mustard on the hot dog. But I could do double, not triple.

Triple. Come on. A man has to have a code. Last voicemail is brought to you by Thursday Boots Last question here before we boot you guys over to our interviews Thursday Boots High quality, handcrafted boots at honest prices

Over at ThursdayBoots.com Make sure you get your pair for the fall and winter You know them, we know them We support them, you should support them Go to ThursdayBoots.com Hey guys, I am a mailman What? You should support them. Go to Thursdayboots.com. Hey, guys. I am a mailman. What?

And I just recently became a mailman at the beginning of the year. That's a female voice. You're a male woman. So it was hard making friends, but I made one really great friend who happens to be an older guy. No kidding. So time goes on. And last night, I decided to tell my husband while we were talking with friends that my work husband had told me recently that he had a dream about me. No details. But then I said to my husband that I had also had a dream about my work husband, that it was sexual.

And he got a little confused that, one, I had a work husband, and two, that I was dreaming of sexual things with my work husband. But in my defense, I think he has a work wife, which he claims he does not. And it was very awkward, but I just wanted to know what you guys think about work husband, work wives, and if it's okay to have sexual dreams, obviously, if you're not, you know not acting on certain thoughts. Thanks. I mean, just the female. It's not as rare as the female Uber driver or taxi driver, but the female mailman is wild. And then to just be

a married one, just like, yeah, I have a husband, but I still go do my mail route every day. How do you got a work husband? You walk alone on the street all day. So that was going to be my point. Like, that, I would have a problem with that that I'd be like you really wanna fuck that guy

because it's not like a close quarters thing like I don't even know male people talk to each other right it's the most lonely job in the world

yeah maybe come rain come sleet come snow it'll be out there alone like the parking lot

when you get your truck with the wheel on the other side also you don't just tell your fucking significant other about work husbands and wives. No, and that's what he's doing.

He says he doesn't have a work wife? Yeah, he's lying to you. You don't say, oh, there are these people who I see every day at my place of employment that I want to fuck. This is worse than telling me about a dead person. This is crazy. Don't tell me you have dreams about fucking someone else.

I know you do. That's crazy i i get it everyone gets it like everyone wants to fuck other people obviously right you just don't you just don't don't tell me about it right even if you do just shut up i do think as a society if you're gonna do it if you do it once just don't tell me if you do it a bunch of times just break break up with me. I think as a society, we need to embrace and understand temptation. It's preposterous for you to think we're married. He doesn't stray. His eyes don't stray. His mind doesn't wander.

He does. He wants to act on them. And she probably does too. It's not a male-female thing. We all need to – i think if we all accepted that and and they kind of were open about that i think there'd be less cheating i think that it becomes such a like a boy would like to fuck her yeah right or like a hot girl walks by like like like if a guy gets in trouble for like looking at a girl it's like are you

serious that i don't even believe that happens if you're like but i i think it should almost be like a girl should be like god God damn, you see that girl? Like, you would love that girl's butt. It's like, yeah, that's my girl. She knows what's up. I'm going to still go home and fuck you, though, because I was cool. Like, rather than just be like, don't you ever look, don't you ever talk, don't you ever think, don't you ever dream.

Like, come on. Temptation is a real thing. To think that it's not going to. With everything, dude, it's not even just with sex. Like, I can want to do so many things i'm just not gonna do it right i want to go back to my single days when i like went out all night long but i'm gonna come home to you babe but guess what i want to stop at a bar at 10 a.m i'm not going to i got interviews today but come five o'clock guess what but i also think that when

when you when you do that when you stop doing those things you want to do for another person and it's almost not like talked about or acknowledged or you don't get credit for it, it's almost just like, oh, listen, I would love to go out with the boys every night. I would love to fuck that girl every night, but I don't because I like you. And not like you shouldn't get a medal for like bare minimum behavior, but just know I'm choosing you over these other things that I used to like to do. Yeah, yeah. And let's acknowledge that you are giving up some things that you used to do that I don't let you do anymore. And let's be open about it. And we can all fuck everybody's mailman, okay? I don't know. Mailman.

Come on. Mail woman fucking. Mail woman. And that's the other thing, too, is like. Dressed like that, he's getting girls. That's what I'm saying. It's almost like, all right, if your work husband is like the CEO of your company in the corner office, he looks like tall drink of water, good-looking guy in a $5,000 suit, I get it.

You want to fuck the mailman? Fuck the guy in a $5,000 suit? Come on. Come on. You want to fuck the mailman, though? Come on. Be more cliche. What's next, the pool boy, too?

Fuck. The guy who brought the pizza, you don't have any money? Come on. Come on. We now turn into the family that asks you if you have a girlfriend. Come on. There's a girlfriend. Hey, yo.

All right. Let's get into these interviews. First up. Who do you want to go with first? Cich. It's a situation. No bull. This is actually perfect because the situation is here and he's fucking

jet he's these city huge dude hyped fucking pythons on this guy because he hit the gym he's back in good shape and if you want to get in shape too you got to get down with no bull it's footwear it's apparel and it's like an accessory brand for people who train hard and don't believe in excuses the situation is not big on excuses. He did his time. He held his head. He came back home, and now he's got a good situation going once again. He would get down with the no bull people.

Footwear, apparel, and accessories for people who aren't going to, oh, I can't because of work, or I can't because I'm hurt, or I can't because I'm in jail. Nope, no excuses. No bull. It's gear built to perform, and it's one of the key disruptors in the fitness industry right now. The philosophy is don't put anything on a product that doesn't do anything. Take everything off that you don't need and be honest about what the product does.

That's what they do. No bull. And right now you can get down with the trainers, the runner, the apparel. It's designed for cross-training, weightlifting, cardio, whatever else you may do. Extremely durable, breathable, and abrasion resistant material. It's lightweight and flexible, and it looks good too. Go to No Bull Project. That's N-O-B-U-L-L-P-R-O-J-E-C-T.com slash KFC. And if you're ready to challenge yourself and get the gear to challenge yourself, go to NoBullProject.com slash KFC. Check out their training gear today.

What are you fucking doing? You've been hitting some curls, my guy. Yeah, he's back. He's back. He's back. 40 pounds. Jesus. Trimmed down.

You're looking good. Good things are popping. We good over theremed down. You're looking good. All good things are popping. We good over there? Yep. The situation's back. He's back in many more ways than just one. Yes, yes. First of all, you're home, so welcome back.

Welcome home. It is good to see you, fellas. I always support you guys on social medias and everything you guys do. I see this new place. Yeah. We came up a little bit. Yo. Yeah. Ever since I've been in prison, this happens? Yeah, pretty much.

Like, really? Pretty much. Last time you were with us, you were in the shitty studios, and now you want to wait for the come up. But this right here is like, yo, y'all is killing it in the game right now. I'm like, damn, yo, you might have to hire the situation next. Should I do birthdays? You know?

This is dope. It's good to see you, man. I it man looks great everybody's doing awesome um you know we all winning out here yeah sir i mean speaking of what i mean you got you're getting that mcdonald's money you don't need to get hired oh stop it i'm just i'm just sort of peeking like i'm just kind of forcing the issue with like you know the cheat day i just came home from prison, so now I'm sort of, like, putting my cheat days on YouTube when I'm not filming Jersey Shore, so I'm kind of just, like, forcing the eyes to see the range. What was the first thing? The range of BDS.

You feel me? Like, it's not just Jersey Shore. It's not fitness. Now it's cheat days. I'm coming out with prison stories with El Situacion. I'm coming hard right now. You know what I'm saying? It's going to be hilarious.

What was that first meal when you came home? My first meal was about like seven to eight pizza pies. I had a naked pizza party with the missus. And that was sorely missed, obviously, in prison. I can imagine. You got married right before you went uh you got you got married right before you went i got married right before i went we went on a honeymoon uh i appreciate the support before i went to prison yeah you guys with that was bullshit with the free sit shirts and all that stuff i appreciate that so that's why i'm so excited to come here and see you guys and then i see see what y'all is doing. And I'm like, damn,

y'all is hiring? So, yeah, no, I handled my prison bid like a G. Grace in class, a gentleman. How long were you there for? I was there for eight months. Lost 40 pounds in there naturally. And I had remained sober.

I'm now four years clean and sober. Killing the game. You're fucking jacked as shit now. Yo, I was and I had remained sober. I'm now four years clean and sober, killing the game. Look at you. You're fucking jacked as shit now. What are you doing in jail? Yo, I was doing everything, man. I was working out two times a day, three times a day to keep myself occupied. You know, you got – listen, I got to tell you, fellas.

In life, you got a choice to become better or to become bitter. No matter what you face. We're all going to face obstacles in life. Okay? It's how you walk through the fire is what really matters. Because life is going to happen on life's terms. What are you going to do about it? Getting wise.

Yo, you know what I'm saying? Yo, the situation has been in tons of situations. And this is why I can provide tons of wisdom. Okay? To you up and coming fellas that are obviously younger than I am. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, that's why I can provide tons of wisdom, okay, to you up-and-coming fellas that are obviously younger than I am. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, that's why I'm here. And so you come home.

You got your new lady – or not new, but new wife. Yes. And then you got your Jersey Shore family to come back to, which is like – Yes, Jersey Shore, number one show on MTV. I would ride that until the fucking day. Until the day I'm dead, man. I hope you guys do season 30 of it because why fucking not? Listen, this has been 10 years in the making right now.

We're still number one. That's crazy. In big numbers, too. It's not like – And these are guys that are friends that have turned into family. The dynamic of our show is really cool. If you have not seen it, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is on 8, 7 Central on MTV on Thursdays. There's still a situation

now the like shameless plug in prison the we had we had uh vinnie and pauline and they were talking about how like they talked to you all the time you guys had phones in there uh no no there's no there's there's an app in there there's like a little computer room okay that i can email my wife or any of my contacts and then on the outside paulie vinnie snooki my wife on on their phone they would have the app okay and they can communicate with me i could pretty much email all day long i kept it you know kept my circle sort of tight where it was just my wife you know some immediate family and uh my jersey shore squad and i would usually email you know two to three to four times a day,

like various people on that list. My wife would come once a week to visit me and pretty much spend the whole day. And that is pretty much how my weeks went. My days were consumed with working out two to three times a day. I had time to work on my fitness. I mean, you've always been a big dude. I mean, you come in here, it's fucking

pipes up. We've got to address it like three times. I've always been into fitness, but with the case and everything, I was just so stressed out. I put on some weight. Plus, I'll be honest with you, at that particular time, I'm still in my 30s, but

I had a bit of self-doubt. Like, dude, can I get this situation back? Can I do it bit of self-doubt. Like, dude, can I get this situation back? Can I do it? But sure enough, in prison, a can of tuna and workouts two to three times a day. Shredded wheat right now. You know what I mean? There's people on – the haters online are coming at me saying I'm on steroids. That's why I saw that for as ill.

I'm like, bro, I'm on probation. I get tested biweekly for illegal substances, and I don't have time to explain it to everyone. I'll maybe correct somebody once. Maybe it's in the press. Now I'm in front of you guys. I can explain it to the masses. I'm on probation. I get tested biweekly.

They send my stuff out to a lab. They're not playing with BDS. I got to walk a tight line. And if you get popped on probation for fucking steroids of all things you're a fucking idiot you're a douchebag i mean god imagine that like yo you're going back in because you wanted to yes yes yeah so i gotta you know walk a tight line and um but it just made me that much sort of stronger like i'll be honest with you i gotta thank god for the prison bid okay because i lost the 40 pounds.

But more importantly, I'm going to tell you, fellas, I got that fire back, that fire back when I was younger, that swag, you know what I'm saying, that maybe disappeared over the years. And being in prison, being in some horrible conditions, so to speak, you got a choice. You rise to the occasion or you get swallowed up. I'll tell you what. I've been on a downswing lately.

You telling me I should maybe hit the clink? No, no. Are you recommended prison? I will stop my taxes right now. No, but I'm telling you. What do you mean you're on a downswing? Oh, it's just the thing we talk about on the show.

You know, you kind of, like you said, you get the self-doubt. I've put on a couple pounds here, Mike. You've seen me. Yes. All I got to say is that one day at a time, you can change any situation. Just be positive and put the work in, and I guarantee you, you'll be able to accomplish really anything. You know what we need is like situation fortune cookies. Stop that opening. I hear these one-liners.

Yes. You're right. Yep. You're fucking right. Exactly. Remember that thing online recently? And I was like, don't argue with a fool.

It only proves that there are two fools. Yeah. Yeah. There you go, man. Speaking proverbs. Yeah. You don't want to come out of your peace, man. Some people are just dedicated to that salty life.

And you want no part of that. Well, you guys have always had so many salty people because like you know you're normal people who got to live you're not normal you're not normal you guys are not normal but you are you're you know you're you weren't like paid actors but you got to live this like celebrity life but you know it's funny whenever people kind of talk that shit it's like you guys are entertaining like you may not be acting but it's like you guys do have something that the average person doesn't see there's an element to people they don't know in reality tv if you are around for a decade right and you are number one in the game there's a reason for that if everyone if if i'm if if reality tv was so easy don't you think everyone would be doing it? Because you're technically being able to be yourself, but you have to be able to articulate and be cool in front of the camera as well as have fire lines at all times.

I think it's harder. It's unscripted. If you're an actor and you go play a role. You got lines. And they like that. Yeah. It's like, okay, well, that was written for you. It's like people like you guys because you're just like – my self is captivating.

My normal, regular self is entertaining to you. That's something. Listen, when I am not filming, I'm at my house sometimes jotting down cool-ass funny lines in my notes section of my phone so that when I go back on camera and a situation occurs, I'm coming through with that fire line. And they're like, holy shit, situation. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Dude, I was working on that shit at home, okay, while you was partying. Like, you know what I mean? I don't want to say grenade,

but... I'll defend. I don't watch the Kardashians, but I'll defend the Kardashians until the day I die. Well, obviously, listen, I don't necessarily... My wife watches the Kardashians. I've bunked into them at a couple of award shows. Obviously, there's something about them that people that love – that they love.

So you know what I'm saying? And they've been around for a little longer than us, maybe 12 years or so. I don't know. Maybe even longer. I think they're 17. Yes. So like you know what I'm saying? Like there's something about them that – the it factor.

OK? And you have to respect that. So like, you know what I'm saying? Like there's something about them that, you know, the it factor. Okay. And you have to respect that. A lot of times reality TV gets sort of like the bad side of things because people don't understand what really goes into it. And you have to understand that you have to be cool in front of the camera. You got to be able to sort of be able to stand in front of crowds and articulate how you feel so that the viewer can understand and relate. Because if you can't do that, it's not going to be successful. If I say a funny line but I don't deliver it correctly, it's bullshit. Do you get sick of explaining that?

I'll be honest with you. I'm telling you, Barstool has just got some exclusive shit. I haven't really said it before, you know what I'm saying? But now that I'm out of prison, it's clapback season. You feel me? The redemption tour. Let's go. So when you were going through the case, did you think you were going to go to jail?

No, no, no. I really didn't think so either. I was kind of like, they're going to knock this down. I've never been in trouble before. The level of my offense was very low, which meant that I was eligible for probation where the judge didn't have to have a sort of, it's called a downward departure, or she didn't have to go to another level. Like I was eligible for probation, house arrest, and max eight to 14 months in prison. But also you got to keep in mind that I was a nonviolent

offender and I've never been in trouble before. So you got to keep in mind that I was a nonviolent offender and I've never been in trouble before. So you put those factors in that I'm already eligible for probation and I was about three years sober. I volunteered at the police department to speak to young kids about substance abuse. I was working at two rehabs on the side because I was sober and I love to sort of spread the hope and they still would like – Do you think that was like Jersey Shore related? Do you think there was like some spite involved? Two rehabs on the side because I was sober and I love to sort of spread the hope. And they still would like –

Do you think that was like Jersey Shore related? Do you think there was like some spite involved in that? No, I just think that because it's a very big show and it's a double-edged sword. You have a big name and sometimes you have to maybe be – you have to pay for your past mistakes. I had to be accountable and she had every right to do what she did and I had to accept it, hold my head high and handle the whole situation with grace and class. I just didn't think I was going to get any jail time. I thought I was going to get probation but it didn't work out with that. Was that something you didn't find out until like she said it?

Right then and there, she said it and I had – it clicked in my head like, OK, I have to accept this. I have to handle this like a gentleman. Because when you're younger and you're in an Italian household, you get taught to handle adversity with your head held high and you better man the fuck up. Yeah, you also get taught to handle a bid too. Yes, yes, yes. You better man the fuck up, okay, and handle that bid. I mean, listen, you don't want to handle a bid you. I've seen the Godfather. Yes, yes, yes. You better man the fuck up. Hold your head and come home a little bit. Okay? And handle that bid.

I mean, listen, you don't want to handle a bid you don't want to, but God forbid you have to. You've been taught since a little kid to be like, okay, I have to hold my head high.

This is what we're doing now. Okay? This is what we're doing. You don't have a choice. This is what we're doing. We don't have a choice. And like I said, I'm not going to be a bitch.

So I wanted to show sort of the younger generation how to handle adversity with grace and class okay and pretty much aka don't be a bitch so when we when we go through you know little bullshit nothing compared to you we often say like well this sucks but it's gonna make for a good episode of the podcast we're gonna have some jokes to tell we're gonna have some material to work with. Were you thinking about like, all right, this fucking sucks. But when I come home, I'm back on TV.

I got a story to tell. You're back in the spotlight the whole night. Definitely easier said than done. But that was the plan the whole time around. It was to, all right, I'm going into an unknown situation, something that's going to be uncomfortable. How can I turn this negative situation positive? My brain was like, okay, I'm going to

have time to finally work on my fitness. I'm going to have time to lose the weight and I can put this behind me. This was like a legal odyssey that was lasting five years of a case and fines. That's some shit. It's almost like fine.

I will go to jail. I just want us to be over with yeah i'm gonna pay my fines i'm gonna pay my restitution i'm gonna show people how to handle adversity when it happens and i'm gonna put this behind me and be my best self and live my best life that was the plan i'll be honest with you it's i ended up executing it you know i'm saying'm saying? But it was – like I said, it was easier said than it was done because in prison, it's not always a positive day. But I had to choose positivity. You know what I mean? How do you do that? It's like this.

It's like this. It's like this. Give me a run down. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. But that light, don't forget, is you. Did you get that or just blow your mind?

I mean, I'm the emoji right now. So what I'm trying to say is that's also trying, I'm also trying to explain to you that the only person that can fix your life is the man in the mirror,

a man or a woman in the mirror. Yeah, that dude's lazy as shit. Okay. Exactly. Also, I'm going to add to that fact that in life, if you want to be successful, there are no excuses. And I'm also going to say to you that you're in the public eye.

You guys are successful, right? You got to get to the point where there's no excuses in life. I love excuses. I love a good excuse. Excuses are the best. No, but you understand. I'm letting you know you guys are in a very good situation right now alright

and I was also in an awesome situation as well if you tend not to be grateful and take care of the blessings that the Lord has bestowed upon you you're going to have a situation simple as that alright now you've spoken

you've spoken I will go to church for that church is my life holy cow I didn't know how you're going to wrap it up but it's going to be a situation so now that you've spoken to the situation you know what I'm saying and I have sort of bespoke upon you this type of knowledge

okay like you know you can take the ball and run with it because like I said you guys are in an awesome situation new place the place is popular shit is popping you guys are fire you could take it even further and just like kill the, you guys are in an awesome situation. New place. The place is popular. Shit is popping. You guys are fire. You could take it even further and just like kill the game. You know what I mean? Just kind of give the stiff arm

to the comp. There ain't even any competition right now. Who is you? I'm so happy you're home, man. I'm so happy, dude. It's great. So Jersey Shore is on. Is that out right now? Are you in season right now or what? Well, we just had the season finale.

The new season is coming back where it's the return of the situation. I just got out of prison. But one of the main reasons why I'm here is to talk about everything. I'm four years clean and sober right now. Okay, hence me partnering with Banyan Treatment Centers pretty much to spread awareness about substance abuse. And if you or you know someone that's suffering from the disease of addiction or substance abuse,

we have a hotline standing by. The number is 1-888-270-5712. And we'll get you situated with the right resources. Appreciate that, man. Thanks a lot. Thanks for coming through and welcome home, dude. And don't forget to follow to uh follow your boy at the situation at instagram you know i'm saying check uh the situation out on youtube i've enjoyed i even joined tiktok these days yeah you got it bro yeah i just joined tiktok at it's the situation so what the fuck were you thinking

when you got out you just saw tiktok no that's like my n. Nana came out of coma. I wasn't going to join it at first. And then all these people are getting all these followers. I'm like, dude, I can't. I'm the situation. I got to enter the game. I got to throw my hat in the ring. You know what I'm saying? So here we are.

We got TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. And like I said, my cheat days are epic. So don't forget to follow the situations on YouTube. Last week, I ordered the whole menu at McDonald's, okay, in a limo, in a limo, okay? The week after that, I did Wendy's, okay? You ate it all? This week, we're doing Chick-fil-A. I did my best.

After a certain period of time, you can't breathe anymore. You know what I'm saying? And you're like, you're like it's over but like i said it's uh in that particular situation it's like you know i did the best i could i think that wendy's the other night i hit wendy's uh 65 postmates order it was yes i hit the spicy chicken meal whole spang with a root beer did dave's double did Chili Did a fake potato Frosty Is this only for yourself? It was recorded

Holy And that was not like That wasn't for YouTube That was just a situation Yo I'm gonna have to bring Barstools with me One day for cheat day

I'm gonna say Cheat day with the situation And Barstools After hearing that Yeah Like I did That was a walk in the park That's the

I took a nap Right after Yo I did like I did like an order the other day like it was like 100 beans like 100 dollars for it and it was almost everything on the menu with the frosty and everything um and so with this week oh this week we're about to post wendy's next week is chick-fil-a um so you you take me along whenever you want. I'll teach you a thing or two about a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's so crazy. Every time I go up to the window at the fast food place, they're like, what can we get for your order?

I was like, we got a situation. Yeah, I was like, they know exactly what's about to happen. I'm about to order the whole menu. So it's pretty funny. But, yo, listen, it's been so dope seeing you guys. I'm so happy. Y'all is killing the game. You look really great.

Yeah, you guys are awesome. Appreciate it, man. All right, we got it. That was a guys. I'm so happy. Y'all are killing the game. You look really great. Yeah, you guys are awesome. Appreciate it, man. All right. We got it. That was a situation. That was a situation. Situation. He's been inventing some phrases.

Yeah, apparently. Apparently, you know, four score and seven years ago. Remember that one? That was the situation, too. Mike is one of my legit my favorite people. He very nice in the world he's he's a genuinely nice dude and i just don't i know people get like people hate on the jersey shore people because they're successful basically that's it but like maybe it's because we got to know them because i don't know i'm sure there's there's been people in the past on reality tv shows i'm like

ah douchebag oh that guy doesn't have talent. I feel like I've come completely around on it after having been a blogger. But in general, everybody's like, well, I hate. And I'm like, oh. Whoa. They're interesting enough. Kevin Clancy. You mean why I hate on Jersey Shore. Well, I hate for no reason.

Like, that is just like I don't like that that guy is making money and successful. Right. That's lame. I hate things that are like I just personally don't like what you're doing. But if I don't like the fact that, if I don't like what the situation does, let's say I don't like his shtick of situation. That's one thing. I'm not going to hate on him for making money, though. Right, right, right.

The reason people hate is just like, well, I'm not doing that. And that's salty. Fuck that. Fuck off. So shout out to Sitch and his wife. We're happy at home, bud. Let's get into our final interview with Samantha B. It's brought to you by Movement.

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at checkout. That's MVMT.com. Join the movement. Samantha B's here. I am. Hi. She was preparing for the old office and so she was bracing herself for like a disgusting frat house. I was excited about it. When I was coming up in the elevator,

I was like, I wonder if there'll be a bathroom. There's a hole in the ground over there. Have fun. There'll be toilet paper. We do have running water. Yeah, toilet paper used to be a luxury. It was everywhere. You could have picked it up off the ground anywhere you went.

When you were like dating in college and you would go to like your college boyfriend's apartment that he shared with seven people, you were like, I don't know what I'm going to find in here. I'm going to wipe myself with the shower curtain. Most likely. I'm 31 years old and he's got my apartment.

So you got this app coming out, which is interesting. And what, to get people into the primaries and get into the election? Yeah, to get into the election. It's like a trivia game. It's actually a comedy trivia game, but it's modeled a little bit after fantasy football, which like don't ask me to explain the rules of fantasy football.

Don't ask me either. But you're basically playing for a candidate. You're playing for a candidate that you like. And the more answers you get correctly, the more points they accumulate. And then at the end, after Iowa, after the Iowa caucuses, that candidate who wins our game will actually win a giant pot of money. So you're in a pack game. Yeah. We got in a pack game.

So, I mean, essentially it's inspiring or encouraging people to vote and be involved in the process. It's like awareness of the process, enjoying the, getting to enjoy the process a little bit. It imparts some knowledge, but it goes down. It's like a spoonful of sugar. You know what I mean? It's actually more fun than it sounds. It's like a very good, very good questions. Do you think this is the most difficult undertaking

you've ever made in your career? Trying to make it fun? Trying to build an app? No, I think it was more difficult because we had a game before and that probably was more difficult and so this one is coasting off of the success this guy told me he just read that uh more males some study done whatever sure science study whatever science uh it said that more males care more about their preferred candidate winning than their preferred

team winning a championship, which I don't believe. I feel like that's... Where did that research come from? We researched 1,000 very politically involved males and they said this. I don't care who was president if my team could

win a World Series. I'll let my dog run the country. Let us descend into anarchy as long as I can win. I would prefer that your dog runs the country. I accept the conditions that you have laid out. I think that's probably skewed. I think it would have been a different answer four years ago. I think nowadays it's a little more like, well, I think the Mets can win next year. Do you find that in general?

Like, I mean, so you are a comedian and an actress and I mean, you did The Daily Show. So I feel like you must have always kind of been politically involved. I was, but I don't think anybody else. Right. So now are you kind of like Johnny come lately? Oh, everybody's interested now. No, that's not cool anymore. No, I feel like when I – I worked at The Daily Show for a year, like over a decade, and I don't think that there was anything even comparable to the level of engagement that exists now.

People are just like having it. Every day. I mean like the ratings for the impeachment hearings were – they beat all the – they beat everything. I saw something said it beat Monday Night Football, which again, it's like, really? That feels inconceivable to me. I don't know where that came from. But we are at the point where I'll believe anything at all. Any stat, any story, any anything.

It's like, well, okay. One day I'll even believe that we landed on the moon. I don't know about that one. Still super skeptical on that one. Believe it when I see it myself. I've always wanted to ask this to people who are in news, especially someone like you who watches news across all platforms for your show. Do you feel like you watch too much of it? Definitely.

I always wonder that with me when I'm scrolling social media. I'm like, this is depressing me. It's overwhelming. Yeah, it's really overwhelming. But when I go on vacation, like I vacation really hard though. You vacation hard. Like I would take a full break. Like I don't care at all what's happening in the world today.

I just don't care. I care about tequila. Yeah. But yeah, so when I take a break, I like take a full break. I am completely able to do that. It does get overwhelming and you become like, you know, you don't know what to do. I can understand that people get kind of paralyzed by it. It doesn't seem

like a problem. It seems so untenable like you can't imagine how you could make a dent or make a change or have anything to do with anything. So I'm not very politically involved and I'm just like, I don't see why you should be, other than the sense of like, I should be an adult and I should care about

these things. But it just seems like so much bigger than you and it's so completely out of control now that it's like, what? For sure. How is anybody going to change this or stop this? I just feel like minimally, you could vote. I mean, you can know that you can make a choice that even if it doesn't affect your life

necessarily, you know that there are a lot of people who are more marginalized and it will affect their lives. So it's just like a civic thing, you know that there are a lot of people who are more marginalized and it will affect their lives. So it's just like a civic thing that you can do. So you can do that. Or I honestly do think that like thinking locally is very important. There are just things you can do in your life that are like helpful to – The local thing is always so funny to me because my mom always tells me that as well.

I'm from Boston, so I don't – New York politics in particular. I moved here four years ago. It's hard to get super into it really. But it feels so much smaller. Everything feels so much bigger. And I understand that everything starts at local level and stuff like that. But it's almost – like you were saying where it's overwhelming. It's like, well, this isn't an issue right now.

The big stuff is the problem. So what is this? But it's hard to follow that. It's actually like amazing how much constituents are listened to though. Like if you had a thing, let's say that one – so you might not be feeling anything urgent like at this very moment. But if something did get in your craw and something really did bother you, your elected representatives, they do actually kind of have to listen to you. You know what I mean? Like they do pay attention to what their constituents say to them.

So it's like often the most vocal but small amount of people can make the biggest change. It's like the loudest people always – the squeaky wheel always gets the grace if you're just like on the right team of squeaky people. Well, see, we are average white guys. So we're on the right team. You did it. You guys. Our team is a dynasty. You won. We never lose. We it. Our team is a dynasty.

We never lose. We've won a million championships in a row. Forever. For all of eternity. It's pretty good. It's good. As a comedian, though, are you ever sick of everything being political?

I mean, again, you kind of did that, and you probably embraced it, and mean again you you know you kind of did that and you probably embrace it and i know that full frontal is kind of that's the angle but do you ever want to just go back to like regular jokes and oh for sure but like you know when i'm this is what my milieu i've been doing like political comedy for almost 20 years so it is kind of my milieu probably when i give this which I will, I'll do something totally different. Like I won't. I'll just walk away. Like a permanent vacation.

Like a permanent vacation. I'll like drop it and just run. What do you think you would do? In the opposite direction. What is the polar opposite of this? The polar opposite of this? I'm going to like become an onion farmer. I don't know.

I mean really. I'm like – I'm good at leisure. I'm good at like – Yeah? I'm good at that stuff. I'm like, I'm good at leisure. I'm good at like, I'm good at that stuff. I'm like, I love it. We are professional. We are so excellent at it. Right before you got in here, we had Lindsey Vonn, and we were trying to teach her about leisure. She doesn't know.

She tried for three days, and she said she couldn't do it. No, she can't do it. And I was like, take my number down. I'm not. No. We'll teach you. I don't have the mind of a Lindsey Vonn. I can chill out.

I don't understand the mind of a, she actually had her dog with her as well, Lucy. And I was telling her – and I genuinely believe this. It wasn't even a joke. I have more in common as far as DNA and mentality goes with Lucy than I do with Lindsey where I – we do think that superstar athletes are more alien than human because they can just do things that don't make sense, that humans can't do. It's crazy. And she was like, no, no, no. You just got to have the mentality that you've got to get up and do something today. Don't bark at the wrong tree here.

No, I don't have to get up and do something today. You do, but she's been doing this since she was like – her parents probably pushed her down a hill when she was like two. She said two. Oh, she's two. Onskies at two. And before that in a backpack. Oh was like two. She said two. She said she was on skis at two. And before that, in a backpack. Oh, my God. That's incredible.

I was on the couch with my dad. I'm the Olympic couch guy. I am not pushing my children toward greatness. No, I'm not either. I got two kids. And so that's what made me think of it. My kid is two. Put him on skis and take him to the mountain for the day?

Fuck that. We are watching Bubble Guppies again, dude. Like that's it for us. She mentioned how when she was nine she made a ten year plan about getting the Olympics and all that stuff and she did it. She made it within those ten years. Did you have something similar to that in comedy?

Oh my god, no. This is an accident. This happened is like a miracle. I think that's kind of what happens. The only reason I'm here is because I can't do anything else. Yeah, I don't have a plan B. I just really eliminated all plan Bs. This has to work.

It has to work. Otherwise, I am – No discernible skills. I don't know. I work at H&R Block, but I don't even think I can do that. Could you do that? I don't know what that is. Samantha, I don't know what H&R Block, but I don't even think I can do that. Could you do that? I don't know what that is. Samantha, I don't know what H&R Block does.

It was just something I thought of. It just popped in my head. I don't know what happens at H&R Block. I could answer the phones at H&R Block. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll put you in touch with someone. I'll put you in touch with an expert. I know nothing.

Knows what a W-9 is. Yeah, totally. Yeah. No, not having a plan B sometimes works. It's probably not a good plan for most people. There was a guy who went viral last year. By the way, you are like the viral queen. I see you viral all the time.

Did you know that going into your – No. That you were going to be – No. No, no, no, no. No, I didn't know anything. I don't have any knowledge of anything going into it. I feel like all those shows are more about like the virality moment after the fact.

Like people watch it, but it's about the clip going viral the next day. You can't wake up in the morning and go, what's going to really hit with people today? You can know what you like and you can know what you're making because you think it's good. And then once it's out of your hands, it's just out of your hands. You can't plan for that stuff. When you're thinking about a monologue or something along those lines or a theme of

a show, are you only going with what's personal to you or are you thinking what is important or what people care about? Obviously, that one you kind of just said you don't do. I think like because, you know, I mean, I'm the person who's saying it, but I do represent like there's 70 people who work in my office. You know what I mean? So we're all like thinking about what is the right thing. Like it's mostly,

I would say that the show is really guided by what's on our minds. Like as a show, it's not like we don't wake up in the morning and go, this will be a really good statement for our show to make. It's more like what comes, what is personal, what comes, what's emerging for us as like the big story for us to cover,

like what feels right. And also there's so many other shows that cover the same terrain. How can we do it a little bit differently? What difference do we bring to this or what additional perspective do we bring to this? Also because we only do it once a week. Thank God. But we can also sit back a little bit and go,

it doesn't have to be like a hot take. We can just sort of like think about back a little bit and go, you know, it doesn't have to be like a hot take. We can just sort of like think about it a little bit. Do you feel like the week is – like sometimes I'll be like, that was the same week. That was only Monday. Crazy. It feels like a month ago. It feels – yeah. I think we're so fast now.

I feel like a weekly is almost harder in a sense in my mind. I agree with that. I don't think a weekly is harder than a – It's like less you know actual work and production and all that but i feel like the like you don't know the content trying to make it stick a week later is almost like people are like i don't even remember that i've already heard a bunch of jokes about that or whatever for sure like when we were the impeachment hearings last week i mean we were remaking the show Wednesday morning to tape Wednesday afternoon because anything that we would talk about from Monday or Tuesday was basically irrelevant, which is incredible.

We're only twice a week and we kind of do that all the time too. It's like no one cares about that anymore because it already – the news cycle is what, an hour now? And how do you make someone like want to watch your show or listen to your show on a Friday if you're doing content for Monday? The whole world looks completely different. It's like renovated all that. It's very challenging. It's challenging. I thought about that with when Chappelle's new special came out and he had all kinds

of jokes about all kinds of stuff. Sure. But so many of it, so much of it, I'd heard already because I compared it to Chappelle or Shakespeare, but on Twitter, we're monkeys at a typewriter. Right. Someone's going to hit it. If you give us two years, we'll get to a Chappelle joke. Someone will

find one. No, not me personally. Someone else will pick up the torch there. And I think that almost works now. Where that was with a year, I think it applies to a week, too. It's really hard to decide what's going to stick. And you don't necessarily always want to be evergreen in your material, too,

because people really are seeking topical material now like in a way that I would say they were not a few years ago. Like they want it to be fresh. Yeah.

They really want it to be fresh. It's crazy. People are watching the news and they're watching like the analysis shows like Rachel Maddow or whatever like in droves

in the way that they really want to. So that's what's funny. It's like you know you have this app and I feel like the idea is to try to get people involved and engaged but in the way that they really were before. So that's what's funny. It's like, you know, you have this app and I feel like the idea is to try to get people involved and engaged.

But in a weird way, they're almost, they are more engaged or paying attention more than ever. But I feel like in like the wrong way. You know what I mean? Like they're not looking at it the right way. It's all. Just like another thing that we're trying to do with the app is to just kind of like practice getting behind a candidate.

Because like ultimately what really other than raising like billions of dollars which for sure needs to happen to like launch a kind of a credible uh election campaign which is crazy we also have to practice getting behind a single person like there's so much infighting within the democratic party, it would behoove all of us. Like, I personally, I would vote for your dog in the next election. I would vote for these earphones. I would prefer anything. And it's incredible to me

that people would abstain, like, seeking kind of, like, a candidate's purity and think about the alternate, which is, like, not voting at all. It's just a good practice, like, to get in the spirit of things. You just get, I don't give a shit who wins the primary, quite honestly. I have my preferences, but whatever.

I'll vote for whoever wins. Anyone. I was saying that the other day with I forget what we were talking about, but in regards to the infighting, where I follow probably a more liberal timeline than most people. I follow a more liberal timeline than conservative people do.

Yeah. But the – and it always does. There's always complaining about someone. I'm like, well, someone's just got to make a choice. Is that going to happen? In the – oh, within the Democratic Party? Like are people going to get behind one person? Well, that remains to be seen.

Like I hope for – I mean I pray for that. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like these people are – when you get to that level, you're all so competitive in your own right that you don't want to be seen like i hope for i mean i pray for that i don't know well it takes i feel like these people are so when you get to that level you're all so competitive in your own right that you don't want to be the one to step down or back out or back someone else but i totally get it i totally get it like i get that none of the candidates are like these like spiritually speaking they can't stand together now and go look we're all roughly the same with like a couple of

notable exceptions we're all like roughly aiming toward the same goal so maybe we shouldn't like tear each other like they're not gonna they're not gonna do that but if we honestly get to june and they're still fucking fighting we're in big trouble we're so fucked what if we get to june and people are still joining oh my god incredible that just happened with Deval Patrick obviously Just joined us I don't even know if it's official But he was at Minnesota

I forget what school he was at And no one showed up I feel like he was at Morehouse and no one showed up But they were like well we didn't really advertise this event I'm like yeah but just come on Look at the name recognition alone Like you just have to Hammer your name Like name recognition alone. You just have to hammer your name.

Name recognition is so vital. It's vital. Deval Patrick. Come on. What the fuck? Hey, I'm from Massachusetts. Come on. What are we talking about here?

I mean, Bloomberg just announced. He just threw us at it. Right, right. I'd get down with Bloombeat, though. Sure. Sure. Why not? Got the money.

It's going to go great great Why don't you go Me Jesus Christ no You're not a reality star but a TV star It's playing No thank you that's for people who want to do that I'm going to Which is crazy by the way I think you're a fucking lunatic if you want to do this shit

Oh for sure you're a lunatic You're a maniac What percentage of candidates do you think if you want to do this shit. Oh, for sure you're a lunatic. You're a maniac. What percentage of it do you think of candidates are, I want to help the world versus I want to be the president? Oh, um, I think like often those two things are kind of

together. You think so? Oh, I don't think so. I do think that there's... I don't think these people want to change the world. I kind of do. I disagree with you on that. I do think they want to and then sort of it more, I think then it can morph into something else. And then you're like, oh, shit. Slice. Well, I think it's funny with a guy like Bloomberg for like the longest time.

It's like, I'm just going to sit over here and be like a billionaire. You know what I mean? I'm good. I'm set with like my private sector life where where I'm killing it because that lifestyle sucks. You really do have to either be dedicated to the world or dedicated to just your own crazy power, like drive for power. Whichever it is, you've got to be a nut to do it. You've got to be crazy. It sucks.

Yeah, you've got to be crazy. I'm thankful that there are people who are crazy enough to want to do it, I guess, because I don't. No, thank you. Thank you. Do you think they're going to get it, I guess, because I don't. Thank you. Do you think they're going to get it together? What would be your guess? I have no idea. Fast forward the next four years. I don't want to. Oh, God.

Yeah, I think that kind of says it all. The fact that you're even reacting like that. Let me just take a long, dark... We actually have vodka if you want that. We can sponsor my vodka show we're gonna hide in that hoodie over there

for about 12 more months what is the swear jar in the app oh it's our it's the name of our pack

actually but how do you oh the swear so it's not a penalty no it's not a penalty no no no

what other late night shows are you like into? Is that something like – I don't really watch any. They all stink. I don't watch – I don't know. Was that ever like a goal of yours to be like one of these late night shows or that just ended up being where you ended up?

I think it just ended up being – it just kind of fell into – I mean not that I – I mean I was doing the work for sure. But it wasn't like I was 20 years old and going like, one day I'm going to do this. I mean, I honestly thought that one day I would be like a really serious actress and be like Lady Macbeth. That was my goal for myself, which not achievable. So, you know, I got really – I got super lucky that like something that I'm really interested in kind of matched an opportunity that I had. Well, I feel like what Jon Stewart did and the Daily Show did with that whole comedy and the politics was obviously revolutionary. It was perfect for me. For me, as a viewer, when I was just watching that show from a great distance, growing up in Canada, I thought it was incredible.

It just spoke to me so deeply. It's a miracle I ever got to go there who exactly johnson did such a good job with it that people forget that someone else hosted it and i forget who it was this is great yeah craig kilbourne are you friends with craig kilbourne no i've never met him in my life well you you said craig so i was like oh i thought it was a buddy of yours because that's good because he's losing his mind on instagram really yeah he has like the craziest instagram stories oh no why i mean i don't i i've never really watched i've never listened to one because who puts audio on the phone you kind of scroll past things right but he's always just like i love craig kilbourne going on really yeah it's your old school sports

oh my god i gotta love oh no no when i got there he was not there anymore. He was long gone by the time I got there. But, you know, there are, you know, I don't, it was not, yeah, he was not a political person. Yeah, that was not the right fit. No, not the right fit. The, um, before we got going here, you both admired my glow, which I wanted to bring up again. Well, she admired it and I more admitted it was there. You do have a glow. You literally have a glow.

Because you're basically indoor tanning in your own apartment like a fucking window. Well, I have one of those lights. One of the lights. It's a tanning bed. It's not a tanning bed. It's a fucking tanning light lamp. It makes me feel good in the morning. And I want to know what you do because you have such a difficult job.

What do you do? Well, first of all, I have one of those lamps in my Amazon cart, which I was contemplating. Pull it right now. It'll be there when you get home. Just say four hour delivery. I was like which I was contemplating. Pull it right now. It'll be there when you get home. Four-hour delivery. I was turned off. Let me tell you what turned me off.

You have to sit in front of it for 30 minutes, and I do not have 30 minutes to sit in front of a lamp. You just do the emails in front of it. Do the emails. I don't do the emails. What does that mean? Do the emails. I did it this morning. The emails, do them.

Just do them. This morning, I popped it on. I did the emails. How many it this morning. You know, the emails. Do them. Just do them. This morning I popped it on. I did the emails. I did the emails. How many emails? I just read them. I don't reply to them. Oh, okay.

I don't even read them. I'm 60 replying to an email? No. But the, and then I did some research on our guests today. You were watching porn, weren't you? I did not. You did not. Well, you do have.

And I tell you what. I feel fantastic. But it is. It's kind of what we talked about at the start of this where I feel like someone like you, and of course you're going to remember the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Street Fighter, but they create Blanca by putting him in a tube and just showing him images of war and things like that. And he comes out and he's a monster. And I think that that must happen to people on shows like this. We have to watch so much awful. I'm a monster. You're Blanca. What you're out and he's a monster. Sure. And I think that that must happen to people on shows

like Sejoys. We have to watch so much awful. I'm a monster. You're Blanca. Are you going to become an electrified monster? Have you ever seen Blanca?

Do you know what he's talking about? I don't. I'm going to pull it up just in case I haven't seen Blanca. Let me just check it out. I can't imagine. It has to. Like you become a wretched

like you become a wretched clown. Blanca. Yeah, that's Blanca. Yeah, that's me. This is pretty much no makeup, selfie. Just mentally. Yeah like that's that's Blanca yeah that's me pretty much no makeup selfie

just mentally yeah that's the old school one that's Blanca oh yeah that's for sure that's after Trump wins the next election no

oh my god that's like Trump after the next election oh god oh yeah he looks more like him than me yeah

yeah no I don't feel like I don't feel like a wretched I feel like I'd try to I don't know, I fill up my love reserves, if I may. I have kids. They fill me up with joy. You have kids? I do. See, I don't think that.

Oh, they don't fill you with? Well, I have a child, but it's just inside of me. He is a child. It's enough to deal with. Like every morning, it's like, we got to get out of bed. And inside of me, it's like, no! We got to get dressed. I'm not doing it!

Yeah, we always said that as like an adult male, you have, every guy has like a five-year-old inside of them. Sure. And their, your goal to be an adult is to keep that at bay. Yeah. He just doesn't keep it at bay. He lets it out. My kid's a stubborn asshole.

Okay. Okay. I understand. I understand. Well, one day your child will bring you joy. Your inner child. Oh! The goal is. Actually, you will have children, John. It'll just be you one day, your child will bring you joy. Your inner child. Oh. The goal is.

Actually, you will have children, John. It'll just be here. It'll just be like inside you, like a Quatto. Like what? Remember that creature that lives in your, you know what I'm talking about. It's just like a little baby Bjorn with a. What's Quatto? What was the movie that Quatto was in?

We dropped a lot of references. It's a lot of. It's a lot of land. It's okay. I know what she's referring to. I threw a Blanca. We got Quatto. Blanca and Quarto was in. We're dropping a lot of references. It's a lot of land. It's okay. I know what she's referring to. I threw a Blanca. We got Quarto. Blanca and Quarto out there.

Let him out. Well, we appreciate you coming through. So the app is out. It's out. Totally unrigged primary app. Totally unrigged. Available on Apple, Google Play, all that spot. And Frontal is still cooking.

It's still cooking. Things are going good. Thanks for having me. This was nice. Appreciate it. I are going good. Thanks for having me. This was nice. Appreciate it. I love your glow. Turn around. Look at what you see

in her face. The mirror of your dream. Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. I reach the stars, up and Dizzy Dizzy And what you see will be

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Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy the clouds and there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never ending story ah ah story

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