KFC Radio - The OG Jake From State Farm Should Be The One Court Side with Travis Scott Ft. Kim Congdon

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Order KFC’s NEW Chizza at a participating KFC location today! Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:49 Seth Rogan not wanting kids controversy 13:02 Is marriage a bad idea? 21:17 Klemmer is living in solitary confinement 24:02 We can't fire Mintzy 30:56 Blattman on the Jumbotron at the Arizona game 37:19 Antonio Brown's clear headshot to Barstool 48:44 Travis Scott dapped up Jake from State Farm (the new one) 48:44 Travis dapping up Jake: https://twitter.com/DailyLoud/status/1764441502887907495 56:00 Rappers turned to white guys 01:02:47 Dune 2 01:09:52 Nose fun fact + Mouth tape 01:23:45 Jack Harlow's incredibly horny post 01:29:05 Video Voicemails 01:41:13 Kim Congdon Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++ KFC: Order KFC’s NEW Chizza at a participating KFC location today! https://kfcshop.com/?utm_source=%25s&utm_medium=Content&utm_campaign=KFC_Radio&utm_content=%25ecid%21 https://kfc.com/menu/special-offers/regular-chizza?utm_source=%s&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=w2_chizza&utm_creative=%ecid! Gametime: Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code KFC for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Factor Meals: Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kfc50 and use code kfc50 to get 50% off. Netflix: NETFLIX | THE GENTLEMEN LIKE IT WHEN YOU WATCH. https://www.netflix.com/title/81437051You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I, I, like, he's Blattman. He's Blattman. He's Blattman. Like, everyone else goes, it's Blattman. Today's episode is presented by the KFC Cheatsa. Cheatsa. Look at this baby right here. Oh, look at that. It is genuinely, and I'm not even exaggerating, it's really, really, really good. I don't know how to say it. I was going to try and be poetic about it. You love the Cheatsa. But it really, really good. I don't know how to say it.

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It's not a pizza. It's a Cheatsa. So go get yours today and check it out. Cheatsa, participate in KFC locations. Dude, at one point, I was like, I think I'm just smoking a joint. Look at me. Like, usually I'll just take, like, two puffs and put it out, and I was like, I'm just hanging out here smoking a joint.

I mean, I didn't smoke the whole thing, but I smoked a lot of it. I was like, whatever. I was, like, taking a piss with a joint in my mouth. I was like, whatever. This is the bohemian lifestyle, dude. What were you wearing? Paint the whole picture. I probably just like athletic shorts and a t-shirt.

I'm picturing you running around the apartment naked. Like, what's his face at the end of Salt Burn? Just dancing, smoking, just naked, having yourself a time. There's a chance I was shirtless but i definitely i'm sure you had top off i'm sure you had you know a piece of chicken in the other hand slot bowl on the counter joint in in your fingers just just living i was feeling great seth rogan went went uh viral again this weekend uh for a he's done this a couple times where he's just like i don't want kids and neither is my wife and he's like it's fucking awesome he's like he's like we woke up on saturday we smoked weed

and we watched movies it was great i wouldn't be able to do that with kids and it just gets people so mad why are you not mad because they have kids it's always people in the comments who are old people with fucking kids but it's like i i don't understand that at all like they're fucking bitter and jealous what are they mad about that that they have kids and they can't smoke weed and watch tv on saturday but so what are they saying to him they're like uh you know time to grow up like like he said something like our life is fun i'm paraphrasing but it he's like, we have fun. And with kids, you can't have fun.

Yeah. You know, I should have said before all the time. And people are like, there's more to life than fun. Like, you're 40. You should be thinking more beyond just fun and enjoyment. And then there's the people who are like, you have a responsibility. You have, they use words like that. Like, you know, it's

like your duty, shit like that. I mean, it's just religious people. Probably. Well, I think it's religious people, and I think it's people who have made their bed and don't have fun, and they need to desperately, you know, convince themselves. But even if you have a kid, can't you be like, God damn, that sounds sick. Like, I'm still happy here, but that sounds tight. Yeah.

Like, my buddy's skiing this weekend. I had a great weekend. His weekend sounds tight. Yeah. My buddy's skiing this weekend. I had a great weekend. His weekend sounds awesome too. Well, if you don't have an awesome weekend, it's a lot harder to just say that someone else had an awesome weekend too. Yeah, I think too. Not if you're a sane person. Well, yeah.

Obviously, we're talking about lunatics. I can sit here and be like, yo, that's so tight. You got to do that, Seth. Like, cool. be like yo that's that's so tight that you got to do that seth like cool but when you're like you know 60 and you are old online and mad online and you've lived the last you know 30 years of your life 20 years of your life whatever uh not having fun because of your kids and deep down in places you want to talk about you're like i have these wonderful children i have this amazing family i won't die

alone people love the die alone thing i'm like yo everybody's thinking about their deathbed a little too much also everyone's dying alone dude yeah like like like yeah they're gonna throw you in a home and let you rot until you're decrepit and dead you're not gonna have younger you have a chance to not die alone if you're old you're dying alone they're they're sick of you by the time you're 85 they're you know if you if you yeah if you die when you're old, you're dying alone. They're sick of you by the time you're 85. Yeah, if you die when you're like 65, you probably had people with you to the very last second. Yeah. If you crack like 80, 85, by the end, you're in a home. You're in a hospital.

People stay with you the first couple nights, and then they're like, I'm going to go back to my life now. Yeah, like, oh, I thought this was going to be a lot faster. It turns out it's taking forever. Right. I mean, I'll give you a good month, but come on now. Yeah, like, oh, I thought this was going to be a lot faster. It turns out it's taking forever. Right. I mean, I'll give you a good month, but come on now. You know, it's taking too long. My mom said the other day, she goes, people don't realize dying takes a long time, and it costs all your money.

So true. Keep you alive for what? She was like, once your money runs out, you usually die about a week later. Oh, what's that? The checks ran out? Pull the plug. Pull the plug. Yeah.

But I think that's life, whether you're talking about this debate or any debate. It's like the people who live abroad and they're like you you you haven't lived life or something you know whatever choice you've made in your life the people doing the opposite of that you uh you don't like that the only difference is with this there's such a stark not right and wrong or good or bad because you know but it's like there's a stark fun and no fun yeah you know and and you know i mean i have my kids like you can have fun with kids yeah you can but you can't do again everything i've said before about like the shit that you like to do as an adult goes away

right you you can go to like i go to like a fucking you know amusement park with my kids it's fun it's not sitting on the couch smoking weed watching movies. You can't smoke weed with your kids. I think we'll get to a point where... You can have a beer with your kids. Why can't you smoke some weed? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think eventually that'll happen.

Like my dad gave me a sip of beer when I was a little kid. Eventually he'll let you take a hit of your joint. I wasn't saying share it with him. I was just saying I can do it while they're in the house. No, no, no, no. When did – did your dad ever give you beer or a sip of something? My dad – it's like I had like an uncle. My dad didn't really give me a beer.

Yeah, I was joking about that too, John. I don't think my – my dad didn't really drink with me until – No, I'm not talking – like I mean I'm talking when I was like eight. He gave me like a sip of beer. Oh, a teeny drink with me until No I'm not talking like I mean I'm talking when I was like 8 He gave me like a sip of beer Oh a teeny little sip Yeah I'm saying a little Here hit this kid

But like I think When you just have had no fun You have to Like argue against the Seth Rogans Otherwise I think you'll like collapse into yourself like a goddamn dying star i don't get that typically i can kind of like get what people are arguing about this is like wow we don't want we just both live our lives i guess it's like you know there's a million different examples of that because like in the comments being like it's

time to grow up to somebody who's like bro i don't really want kids and i'm good it's rotting jealousy it's it's it's that's why i mean why else's like, I don't really want kids and I'm good. It's rotting jealousy. It's, it's, it's, that's why. I mean, why else would you,

why else do you run to the comment section to yell about anything? It's when like, you're mad at yourself. You're not mad at me. You're mad at your dad sort of thing. Like those are people who he, they, you know,

he saw, he described that picture of like him and his awesome wife, like probably playing video games, smoking weed. And there's that dad who was like, he won't admit but on the inside he's like yes i love my kids but god damn it i wish i could do that and i can't so i have to like it has to be true that kids is right and family is your duty and this is fulfilling and all of that because otherwise you have to admit that like yeah my life is not fun at all them's the breaks but that's the break you know i'm sure i think there's

probably plenty of time in life to do do it all i don't know that would be my thought is like i think eventually you know he's 40 now maybe when he's 55 he's another 15 years, he's 40 now, maybe when he's 55. He has another 15 years and he's been doing weed and movies and shit for 35 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might be like, I'm sick of this. But maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe not.

So let's find, you know, let's roll the dice and find out. That's what life's all about. I don't want kids in the future right now. Right. That might change. I don't want kids in the future right now is the perfect way to put it. Yeah, man. I mean, sure.

There might come a day where he's like, fuck, I should have done it, and now I'm too old. Maybe. But maybe not. I don't get too old, motherfucker. Sure. But you get too old, I think. Like the De Niro thing is batshit insane. Oh, you get too old, motherfucker. Yeah, sure. But you get too old, I think. Like, the De Niro thing is batshit insane. Oh, you get too old to raise it.

Right. I don't get too old to make it, dude. Oh, I'm not talking about experiencing fatherhood. I'm just talking about doing it. My grandmother with high cholesterol used to make cakes loaded with butter until her dying day. She couldn't eat them. But she was happy to let the rest of us i can bake this baby i can't eat it though that's fucking hilarious man yeah i i uh

he i this is specifically a seth rogan thing i've seen multiple times it's like every interview he was on howard stern this time but I think anytime there's a long sit-down conversation, you get into your life. He's probably like, will you guys stop asking me? I'm sure it's, when you talk about your whole life, I'm sure people inevitably go like, well, what about kids? And I'm sure the interviewers are always like,

you know what it is, too? It's probably guys like, you don't have kids? What are you doing? Tell me. Tell me. What's it like? What's it like over there on the other side? Back in the days when it was fun tell me about it you know so uh and every time it's the same thing of just like it's religious nuts and it's people who have a not fun life but yeah there there's there's got to be some way we're doing it all wrong the whole fucking society we're doing it wrong wrong the whole fucking society we're doing it wrong you know how so the fact that every marriage is is work every having kids is no fun

there's got to be a way to find a middle ground right i and i mean i'm of course i'm generalizing that i'm sure there are people who have fun with their kids and i'm sure there are marriages that are you know people love but the general idea of everything ends in divorce and everything, it's just like, what are we doing? 50-50, that's about everything, right? Pretty much. Everything's like, it might go good, it might go bad. I don't know, let's put a coin on it. I guess if you told me, though,

50-50 is pretty high for a... That's too high in any other scenario if you told me like if you walk my my divorce lawyer said this to me before i think it's higher because there's there's there's uh there's statistics that i think are even higher than 50 50 right let's say it was like 60 he was like if i told you there's a 60 chance you walk outside and like a brick falls on your fucking head you probably wouldn't walk out the door you know what i mean yeah brad paisley if love was a plane what is that brad paisley song if love was a plane nobody'd get on yeah right right exactly that exactly that yeah so everything else if you threw i miss brad paisley

brad paisley brad paisley's the fuck brad basically when i was in high school dude heat i'm sorry continue but yeah i just it's anything else that had that high of a of a shitty side i probably wouldn't do it is it's it's it's right there it's really right there i guess that's why it keeps happening if it was like 90 i think people would be like i'm not doing this but it's just right on the on the border isn't it funny that it's like a uh not me sort of thing it's just it's right there where you can be like it won't be me yeah i'll be on the good side but what's sick is that it's 50 and think about it like this. If 50% ends in divorce, you gotta say 75% is miserable.

That doesn't mean the other 50% is loving it. There's gotta be at least 25% that stay for the kids that just are religious and grunted out, you know what I mean? So you're really looking at probably one quarter are happy.

And motherfuckers keep just jumping off the cliff. The, what was I just going to say? I saw a statistic for Women's History Month. What is it? It's Women's History Month? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. International Women's. It's Women's something.

Marches? Marches, yeah. And I saw a statistic that when they got rid of, or when they implemented or got rid of no-fault divorce, I don't know which one it is, female suicide immediately dropped 20%. That is such a high number. No. I don't know about immediately, but very quickly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was probably a direct cause and effect. Yeah. Yo. That's crazy. So that would go to your statistic of maybe a larger group. Dude, it's just, it's a, when you look at, it's like anything else that started a long fucking time ago doesn't apply now you know what I mean

it's like we used to be trading god damn animals and stuff for marriages and land and you know we were gonna die when we were like 30 but so let's get married when we're like 20 you know now we live till we're like 100 you still get married when you're 20 something it's fucking crazy

that's insane. I saw the average age for marriages across the country map. We're the only ones even remotely reasonable, right? The Northeast? Yeah, even that's like 31. Yeah. I mean, I call that reasonable, but that's unreasonable, too. I mean, as everything gets gets longer so should that your

period of single time you know what i mean or not married kid time i mean i guess the biological clock still ticks a little bit a little bit quicker than like we are aging you know what i mean but still what are you fucking doing you're gonna you're to do this until you're 80? 90? You're 21. You're 25. You're going to do this for 70 years? I'm not going to do anything for 70 years. I probably won't even live for 70 years, let alone do something, a specific thing for 70 years.

It's crazy town, man. So, I mean, I wonder how many people are, for every, you think there's more people, I think for every one person commenting, there's like two people being like, fuck yeah, Seth. Who have kids and shit like that. I would think higher. You think there's more people who are like, I had kids, but it's awesome you don't. Yeah, I think there are probably a lot of people who are like, I had kids and I was high the whole time. Yeah, and there's the guys, there's the people just, the Venn diagram in the middle.

I do both, brother. I do both. It's like one of my favorite quotes from my mom. That when we were, me and all my siblings sitting on the beach just talking about kids, and she just leans over and goes, honestly, it doesn't really affect your life one way or the other yeah she says that i remember you telling me that i i think my life would be drastically different if i didn't have kids but i guess there's people who would just live the same way i mean i i don't think anything would be the same for me.

But I think it's more about if you... I think if you're the type of person who's like, the grass is always greener, or you just think about the alternative to everything, it's like, oh man, this is just your life. Yeah. I think the difference is like, would you be like the billionaire CEO of a company? Probably not.

You'd probably just be like working a job and going on a couple vacations a year. That sort of shit. You know what I mean? But I don't know. I think your day-to-day life is wildly different. I also think if you ask Polly, in the peak of driving four kids around to all their sports and birthday parties and every fucking thing every single day, like right now, it's probably a little bit easier to be like, yeah, whatever.

I think I agree with that, obviously. I also think it's just something. There's something in the final blood, too. I mean, my sister. Your sister's the same way. She's like, whatever. It doesn't fucking matter at all. She's like, birth was a fucking breeze.

And having a kid is easy. I don't know what people complain about. They're really. One day. Birth was kind of fun. It was kind of a good time. Having a kid is easy. I don't know what people complain about. They're really, one day, I hope. She burped was kind of fun. She's like, I don't get to have it. It's like literally the most traumatic experience in the world. People used to like very often die from it back in the day.

She's like, yeah, no, it's fine. I was like, how are you? She's like, I'm great fine dude like the baby i was like your your whole family needs to uh be donated to science all of the the brains the blood the organs the hearts all of it man not and i don't want to i don't they need to be studied real quick and then put into other people to give them a chance to live the phytalberg way i don't want to i don't they need to be studied real quick and then put into other people to give them a chance to live the feidelberg way i don't know if that can happen i need like science to get all the information they possibly can out of the feidelberg uh you know existence and then put it into another imagine that imagine if you could just get feidelberg's brain that would be a great movie. It would be a great movie.

It's just circus music up here the whole time. What's that, Adam Silver? Get ready to think nothing, buddy. It's a beautiful way to live. I'm very envious. That's pretty tight.

Smoke weed? What's Seth Rogen doing? beautiful way to live i'm very envious that's pretty tight smoke weed that's like just what seth rogan i was gonna say you live on the internet people will get angry uh i i guess there's also something like when he if you have he's married and then people expect it even more yeah because if you're a single guy it's like i don't know he's just a single guy but then when you're with somebody it's like why don't you have kids she doesn't want them either well why not people have different opinions because i picked her up at the ovarian cancer clinic well that's not where you got a wedding crasher over here no that's what happened to my aunt that's the only reason got it. Fucking wedding crasher over here. No, that's what happened to my aunt. That's the only reason I know she can't have kids.

That's the only reason I know if you have a baby, you can't have kids. It happened to me. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you need to have an aunt to know that. Jesus Christ. I didn't know that. Why not? There's plenty of camps you can have and still have kids.

Not the baby-making parts. Testicular. You got me there. You got me there. You got me there. But I... Because he still has one good one? I do not know the science.

I just know if you have testicular cancer, you can have kids still. I thought that was the thing. I thought that's why your dad didn't have kids anymore. Well, we think he lied about that now. Oh. It's like, yes, I got the best excuse ever. I'm sure Polly's like... I haven't brought that up with him yet,

but once in a while he was like, no, you can have kids with testicular cancer. I was like, my dad's been saying different for a long time. That is so good. I'm sure Polly was like, my dad's been saying different for a long time. That is so good. I'm sure Polly was like, yeah, that makes sense. Darn it. I'm sure she was sitting there going, I don't want to learn it anyway. What a beautiful couple.

What an amazing, amazing life, dude. We got Kim Congdon on the show today, on the back half for our interview. First, we got to do some Barstool stuff. We got Clemmer living in solitary confinement. Solitary Clem-finement is the hashtag. 100 hours in a room right now as we speak. I believe just farting and reading a baseball encyclopedia and last i checked in he was describing the uh old days of tv technology like how to turn the dial and shit

so i i expect clemmer to just go backwards through his life and we'll end up at like the revolutionary war at the end by the hundredth hour i'll be like me and george washington we're fighting i fucking love climber so much the best that email he sent this morning what did he say i didn't see wait i i have not seen this yet it was just it it's some necessary information and then the last paragraph and a half or whatever it is it's just so funny like it's just like something that only happens here like he says so casually wait fuck where is it what is it it's got to be something like i'll be in solitary confinement if you can't reach me like it's exactly yeah i'll be in

solitary confinement until friday at two if you have any questions while i'm away just reach out to food that's so good i was like i mean and any not a single not one other place in the world can you get a work email that says i I'll be in solitary confinement until Friday at 2. If you need me, here's my out-of-office number. Monday morning email, like, I'll be in solitary confinement. Just got back from bobbing for your apples. I'll be in solitary confinement until Friday. I mean, we have truly become just the dancing monkeys of the internet.

Just dance for me, puppet. We are the court jester of the rest of the world right now. Clemmer's on a run right now. Clemmer's been on a run, dog. What do you call in Thrones your fighter? Trial by combat? Yeah, but what do you call that person? Is it something?

My proxy? Maybe it's a proxy like having clemur be the new york proxy oh into chicago and fucking just rip the bench and fucking it was dude every clip was so goddamn funny as as barstool has gotten bigger and there's been more of those people like i was even thinking about the combine like back when there was three people, it was like, fuck, I have to do this, I have to, like, be an intense part of it and carry the load. I remember you came along, and I was like, you gotta go do that mud rudder,

tough mudder, tough mudder, mud run, whatever it was, those Spartan races. I was like, I'm not doing that. Spartan, Spartan race. Yeah, you gotta do that. And then now there's a whole fucking, you know, send Mincy and Clemmer. Just throw footballs at Mincy's face. And we can just sit here and do the podcast, okay?

It is crazy. Like, everything he does. Which, Clemmer or Mincy? Mincy, honestly. Mincy is, there is, he's the doctor strange of the internet there's one permutation out of 14 million where this works uh i've never seen anything funny truly one of the funniest under the radar dave portnoy moments ever on the unnamed show last week uh ryan whitney and kirk are just pushing him around the ring

saying that Mincy owns you. Like, you keep saying, if you do one more thing, you're getting fired. And he does it, and you don't do anything. And Dave just goes, what am I supposed to do? And it's genuinely true. Like, Whitney was like, he said, do you want me to fire him? And everyone was like, well, no, no, no, no, don't fire Mincy. He's like, well, then what am I supposed to do?

Because he can't. It's this cycle. It's, I mean, the phrase gets thrown around a lot. Mincy is the embodiment of failing upwards. Like everyone else who's ever used failing upwards needs to stop because this is the true definition of it he is he's fucking up he's he's it's all unintentional and he just ends up making the best content of all because i still don't understand the science behind this like he just lit a grilled

cheese on fire how his entire sandwich catches on fire i have not seen this you haven't seen this no dude this is him making a grilled cheese so the challenge was make a grilled cheese speed or taste i do not know the answer to that i mean it looks like speed it looks like speed put a stick of butter inside the bread no that's cheese oh so this is he's making it donnie's like offended he fucking flamed that shit man like i don't i just don't wait what's wrong with both of these idiots why can't they fucking make a grilled cheese? I just don't get how that happened. How does a sandwich catch on fire?

Doesn't make any sense to me. But it was, I mean, it was absolutely unbelievable. But yeah, Clemmer's been hot for a minute. Clemmer. Clemmer's been hot, honestly, since. Since he had his moment with Dave really yeah yeah that was it

like I've always liked him but he you know in terms of popularity wasn't really there yet when he had his moment with Dave where he was like fucking fire me bro

and it was just like from there from there he went straight up I so some of the producers talked to me about

the solitary confinement. And they were like, we need him to do more stuff. Like, it needs to be like, if you want to eat food, you got to like complete this challenge. And then we like bring you a snack. Or if you want a little bonus TV or something. Like, there needs to be little incentives for things for you to do in order for there to be some activity. And I kind of agree with that sentiment. But I was like – and they were like, you know, can you talk to him?

And I was like, I'm just going to let him – I'm going to let Clemmer cook. Maybe – I think it might be hard and weird to do 100 hours of like genuinely nothing. No, they have things. Do they have things? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Part of me wanted to just see. Just let him.

No, I think Vibs will have some challenges there. Okay. I don't know exactly what they are, but I know Vibs has challenges. I was prepared to just let him rock and just be like, let's find out. Let's fucking find out. Because everything else, all that stuff is, you know, these are all challenges and things that have been done on the internet before and all that stuff. It's like, this man really wants to just be four walls in his brain. We might see some, you know, Howard Hughes shit by the end of it.

Who knows? So, shout out to Clemmer, who is really going after it. It's also very funny coming from, like, a 40-whatever-year-old man. Yeah. You know, it's one thing when you're, like, young. You want to make a name for yourself. You're like, I'll do anything, you know, to get up at the company. But when you're like a grown man, you're like, yeah, no, I'll do this shit.

Love it. What, is he doing math? What is this? Is he just doing math problems? I think he's doing baseball stats. Yeah. Of course. If I had to guess had to he was gonna sit there and just like score every game of baseball that's ever been played uh it looks like the chat's

popping off though and like i mean this is this is what it takes man i'm so happy we got to the internet early enough so we can do this shit god I don't want to do any of this shit. Our boy Shane Gillis was at Radio City this weekend. He had his big weekend of shows. If you were there, I'm sure you saw one of the best shows of all time. If you weren't, you could have got in the building with Game Time.

The Islanders beat the shit out of the Bruins. If you were there, you watched Fred and Brelli. I almost used game time to go to that game. Thank God I didn't. I would have been miserable. But all the Islanders fans were loving it. You could have gotten in the building with game time.

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Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code KFC for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KFC for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets, Lowest price guaranteed. Also in Barstool news, the Arizona

Wildcats had a big celebrity guest at their game up on the Jumbotron. David Blattman. I heard you guys say his name. He's a celebrity guest at Arizona?

Up on the fucking Jumbotron. Barstool Sports. David Blattman. Picture him sitting what I'd have to imagine is courtside or wherever he sat. That's crazy. Bro. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Hey.

Like the University of Arizona? The University of Arizona put him up on the – Aren't they like a good basketball team? Bro, like one of the best programs. That's nuts. Arizona, you've got to have some pride. You have to have some standards. Rob Gronkowski went there.

He's the only person I can name. No, DeAndre Ayton also went there. They've had a lot of of big time athletes specifically basketball more more so like years or years ago but they're you know a good program teddy bruski went there like i don't care bro it's also not about who did go there it's just like you i don't care about dav Blatman being like, like they put people that up there for people to like cheer and get excited that they're at the game with that person.

Yeah. I would, I would imagine the collective, I would love to have heard there was an audible, like the whole, the whole arena had to go, who the fuck is that? I think if you have, I guess it's with everything.

Everyone does it everywhere. But like if you have to put where I work. Totally. I was going to say, if you don't put barstool sports. Yeah. Like I feel like at Celebrity Row at MSG, they'll put like Tracy Morgan comedian. But if you had to put like Tracy Morgan played Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock or something like that. And to be honest, they do it.

Like, I've been to Rangers games where it's, like, I don't know, some dude from some Netflix show that I've never heard of. Yeah. But also, I mean, this is, like, it's just, like, the company. I don't know that this this is without a doubt the lowest celebrity appearance at a at a no it is no it is it is that's not me being mean this is me being a dead ass truthful it's the lowest quote-unquote celebrity appearance of all time at a sporting event i mean i remember like uh chris di stefano talking about blattman in the picture sorry with the hat yeah oh yeah yeah okay and then there's pictures of him afterwards like on the court like they've

rolled out the red carpet for blattman and he is he's a super fan and i'm sure as a producer you know you probably get in contact with like the i mean look at him he's in the locker room he's on the fucking he's at midcourt he's decked out in gear. I'm sure as a producer you talk to, I don't know, the manager of the team and you get in contact with the producers of the broadcast or whatever the fuck. Look at him. He's sitting with the team. It's David Blattman, the guy who wears loafers and no socks all year round. Oh, he put on sneakers, so this is bad.

He's Blattman. He's Bl this event. He's Blattman. He's Blattman. He's Blattman. Everyone else goes, it's Blattman. If someone was like, do you work with that guy? Everyone goes, yeah, it's Blattman. And Arizona's like, it's Blattman. We got Blattman here today.

It's Blattman. Jumbo Tron. It's Blattman, dude. Just straight up, that name alone, you can't even get on the board. It's Blatman. It's Jumbotron. It's Blatman, dude. Just straight up, like, that name alone you can't even get on the board. It's Blatman. It's very guttural. If you're writing a sitcom or a skit or something and you're like, all right, we got to have, like, the guy at work, it's Blatman. Yeah, Kramer doesn't work with any other name except maybe Blatman.

Blatman. It's Blattman. Blattman. It's Blattman. I mean, I grew up like the Arizona Wildcats. It was like Bibby and Damon Stoudemire and all these, like, I think Channing Frye went there. The Knicks drafted him. And like, there was a year, probably like in the 2015-ish, where they were like stacked with people. That dude Shakur was on their team for a while six right yeah number six

in the country right now like that's crazy like bro like like if i went to a fordham game they're like fordham you know is i think they're actually on the come up right now but they're historically one of like the worst division one teams if i went to a fordham basketball game i don't even think i would they would do anything for me. And that's like one of the worst teams ever. This is a prominent, prominent, or at least I thought so, basketball program. And they put up Blackman. Blackman.

John, they put up Blackman. This will be reflected in my March Madness bracket. Yeah, honestly honestly this makes me think this makes me think less of you iconic king deserved love to see it it's blackman it's fucking blackman man i mean that is so right who would be like I can't think of anybody lower I can't think I can't think of anybody lower in the whole world

I can't think of anybody lower there's just nobody else I can't think of somebody else that would be less interesting. I'm trying to think. The only thing that I could think could compare, and it doesn't, and I love this guy, but just because of who...

It would be like if the Cincinnati Bearcats put up Mike Welker. And I could see Dave being like, it's fucking Welker. It's Blattman. I just... Again, it's the combination. It's him, it's the school. I just can't.

It's just... It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. They should have popped up there as Emmys. Fucking Blattman, man. Barstool Sports, Emmy Award winner. Speaking of Barstool as well, Antonio Brown, clear head shot last week. That was clean. Clean, no ricochet shot there.

Clean shot with the picture of the king cracker saying Dave Portnoy and his minions coming to defend Tom Brady. It's a bunch of crackers typing on a computer, blogging away, and Dave, the king cracker, has a crown on. You know. Facts. Clear shot. All facts. Yeah. Yeah, no black people working.

I saw some of the... I don't know what to tell you. The rundown, I saw Vibs and Ken Jack on the rundown kind of being like, this is the CTE talking. I was kind of like, this is just funny. This is just funny. Clear shot. It's not CTE.

It's clear. It's 100% accurate. It is. In fact, it looked even worse when he tweeted, like, no people of color work at Barstool except Wallow and Gilley. And then, like, our two other people of color were like, nah, I work here. Over here. That makes it look worse.

When you can count all the individual ones, that doesn't – does not help. Stephen Che is, like, putting it like, Che, shut up, dude. I'm a minority, too, Jake. Let's just quietly take this one laying down and move on. Yeah, for real. For real, man. Yeah, Antonio Brown, when he said that Kaitlyn Clark looks like Mel Gibson, that was one of the meanest things ever said, dude.

That's an unfair. That's not a clean shot because she's just yelling yeah no but but it wasn't even he's like talking braveheart but no like he like he's doubling down on this he like like he's like tripling down on it because the first one he just said the bitch looks like mel gibson and now he's he's doing hashtag mel gibson and putting up braveheart and stuff like that it's just mean it's fucking mean, dude. But I feel like it would be mean if she looked like Mel Gibson. Yeah, I think it's one of those things. It's just like a white people.

The original picture was her screaming. I can see that. Like, freedom! But as a regular person, Katelyn Clark does not look like Mel Gibson. It's just a funny line of the bitch looks like Mel Gibson. That's one of those that doesn't even have to be. How many crackers work at Barstool Sports?

40,000. These are just fucking funny, man. He's back on being active. These are just very funny. I did see, I did a video on the dude at the Combine saying that he doesn't believe in space and planets. And so people were talking conspiracy theories. And then I saw somebody post footage of Fidel Castro playing basketball in Cuba. You saw that?

I've seen it before. He invented the Eurostep. Basically, this is the first ever Eurostep. And people were saying, you know, we got footage of this this but we don't have footage of wilt's 100 point game why why is there no footage of wilt's game do we know that it was it just that like basketball was so not popular at that point that like oh like a lot of games weren't uh recorded is that it i would imagine so because it it's like the only time we've ever you know it's like an ongoing thing right right every time wilt chamberlain footage comes up it's like the only time we've ever, you know. It's like an ongoing thing.

Right, right. Every time Will Chamberlain footage comes up, it's like they have him doing everything. They have everything else but this one game. But why? So why? Like, there just has to be some account of like, you know, at Hershey, Pennsylvania that day, like, the cameras fucking broke. You know what I mean? Like some reason.

Yeah. Well, I honestly don't even know when Wilt Chamberlain was alive. Like what year was that? 60s, I think. Wilt's still alive now. No, no, no. He's dead. Yeah, he's dead.

By alive, I meant. Yeah. I know he died. He played in, I think, probably like the 50s and 60s was his prime. Yeah, that's not TVs, cameras at every game. I would think that, right? But, like, that's, that's, when is that? 65?

I mean, again, it's just that they have footage of everything else. You know what I mean? So it's like, it's like, they have footage of everything else. You know what I mean? So it's like... That's the problem. You have footage of everything else. Because then you can't claim that. You know what I mean? And when you do have footage of Fidel Castro playing ball...

Yeah, somebody dubbed this over. And they just picked other highlights and put the... They have radio. A radio broadcast of it. Apparently. But that... You know. Who knows? lights and put the they have radio a radio broadcast of it oh apparently but that you know who knows uh it is pretty funny though that the best basketball performance of all time is just the one thing we don't have just don't have it but i guess you know there's a million

things throughout history you just rely rely on people telling you. That's what most history is. I mean, like 99.9999999999% of history is just people saying some shit happened. That's why it used to be the best dude. Cause you just make shit up. Yeah. Winston Churchill.

Framed by the victors. Yep. Yep. Well, that's, what's funny about the, uh, the, the dude, uh, saying he doesn't, that's what's funny about the dude saying he doesn't.

It's one thing to talk about flat Earth and all that shit. To be like, I don't believe in space is crazy. Space is what you can just see. I can see space. It's just right there. Now, these people believe that we live in a firmament, a dome. It's just a dome that we're looking at like a planetarium. And then they say – my favorite is they're all religious nuts.

So they say, you know, every picture you've ever seen is just like somebody showing you that picture. And all the information you've ever been told is just somebody telling you that. And then they say you live in a say we live in a firmament. And I say, how do you know that? And they say the Bible. And they don't see the fucking irony in that. But as far as I know, no one's ever mentioned that it says that in the Bible to me. That's the other thing. I mean, it's like, does the Bible even fucking...

I think there's the word firmament, but it means just like the heavens and the stars. But people believe it to mean like a fucking dome that we would like hit into if you took a fucking spaceship to the top of it like a truman show and then they tell you the bible right when they tell you that don't believe what they tell you but the bible told me it's crazy that was that's the that might be the craziest that's crazier than blatman just being like he goes he goes planets and stuff i don't know man like even you know carl carl everett like the dinosaur bones were put there or like i mean you know i've talked about a million conspiracy theories i'll believe any of them i'll give any of them some thought maybe just being like like if i if if uh you look through a telescope and just like like there's the planet well he's

just like nah nah man it's a yeah it's a painting on the wall the bible says so dude with that with that uh would you draft somebody it's like that's around 40 yeah he i, going into it was expected to be the fastest guy there. I don't think he ended up running it. I think somebody ran like a 4, like 2.8 or something this year. Something fucking insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Xavier Worthy. It was 4.2, right?

4.2 something? Yeah, 4.2.1. Fucking fastest. Is that where we hop out there? Do you think we're going to hit the threes in like 50 years? Probably, right? Do you think eventually people are just going to run in zero seconds like what where does it end that's at some point there has to be a max out of like you can't time travel you can't you can't teleport

right you have to have some time in between point a and point b 421 is fucking crazy, dude. Can we find how fast Tyler Owens ran it? Because, you know, 4-2-5, you can talk about... Who's Tyler Owens? The space and the plants guy. You run a 4-2 something, you can tell me dinosaurs and all that shit. I'd rather have Tyler Owens won overall. Because of that. I don't want my guys... Believe in other shit. You think about nothing Tyler Owens won overall. Because of that. I don't want my guys.

Believe in other shit. Yeah. You think about nothing else, man. Yeah, you're right. We're in a fucking dome and we're just supposed to play football. I was going to say, we're going to put you in a dome for the rest of your life and you're going to play football. That's it.

I think he got hurt on the 40s, so I don't know if that's the worst. See? You know? Maybe that's. God's plan. I was going to say, where was God on that one? Where was God on that one, bro? Yeah.

That's why I jogged it, bro. Bro, if Tyler Owens can blow out a hamstring trying to run the 40, it was reckless for all of us here at Barstool Sports to go as hard as we did. I thought for sure someone was going to get hurt during that. Totally. John had the funniest line. When the first heat, basically the first half, went and nobody got hurt, John was like, oh, I don't like that.

He was like, originally going into it, I was one of 24 guys that could get hurt. Now I'm one of 12 because someone's getting hurt. Like a Russian roulette, but someone pulled the trigger four times. It's down to me. That's it. We're the only ones left. Pretty good fucking chance it's me this time. Factor meals.

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If you know that every morning you wake up and you have a Factor Meal that you can pop in the microwave for two minutes and eat breakfast, you're going to eat breakfast. And then you won't be starving at the end of the night where you got to stuff your face because you forgot to eat breakfast and lunch. When you come home every night and you know you have a nice, delicious dinner that's going to take 60 seconds to cook, you do it because you don't – any other time you come home, you're like, all right, I got to go get the ingredients. I got to come home. I got to cook it. I got to shower.

All these things. So you end up not doing it. You're like, I'll just order pizza. I'll just do this. I'll do that. And all of a sudden, you're eating terrible. You're spending too much money. When you know that you've got a delicious salmon at home, that's going to take 60 seconds.

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Yeah. And I know this has kind of been a thing for a little while, but I truly do want justice for the original Jake from State Farm. Yeah, I know. Like, that guy got fucked. Absolutely fucked. thing for a little while but i truly do want justice for the original jake from state farm yeah like that guy got fucked absolutely fucked and and for no reason like he was a good jake from state farm he was khakis he was like he was he was what jake from state farm was supposed to be the joke was that he's so he's just this lame short round guy and she thought he was having an affair with this hot

chick and he was just jake from state farm with the khakis and now we turned him into like this cool smooth black guy who's dapping up travis scott it's like no this is not canon this is not canon to the character of jake from state farm this is bullshit i wasn't employee uh jake from state farm the original was a state farm employee yeah like now he's a bartender in, like, Idaho, and they have his Jake from State Farm shirt, like, hung up in the wrap. Really? I love this guy. Meanwhile, the new Jake is fucking hanging with Travis Scott. Come on.

Bro. That is heartbreaking. I don't know what I thought he was doing. I mean, it's not like he's in movies or some shit, so I don't know why I thought he was doing. I mean, it's not like he's in movies or some shit, so I don't know why I thought he was doing great. But I was hoping he was at least doing other commercials or cashing checks. He's a bartender in Illinois. That's brutal.

Brutal! That is unfair. Bro, this guy needs to lawyer up. This guy needs to lawyer up This guy needs to lawyer up And go back Oh look at this guy He's hanging out with the Kelseys He's hanging out with Travis Scott

He's courtside at every game I'm definitely anti-Jake from State Farm I hadn't really put all that together That's so fucked As a matter of fact New Jake I'm not even gonna what's what what's i'm not even gonna call him that because the other guy's probably jake right he's probably he was literally jake from state farm this other motherfucker some actor

what's his name fuck that guy he doesn't deserve to be called jake from state farm he's probably got some like cool name too kevin kevin miles kevin miles you motherfucker that guy needs to cut a check to jake from state farm like we talked to uh we talked to uh jk simmons about how much money you make when you become one of these iconic uh commercial guys it's enough money that you can break some off to the guy who really deserves it. Dude. This would never cross my mind and now it's ruined my day. It's so sad.

I've thought about this a lot. I've never thought about it to the point that he's at an Idaho bar watching these commercials every time going like... You know? I did think that he went i don't know went on to something else i i don't know why i thought that because you don't see him ever again but i i for whatever reason figured i don't know he was kind of taken care of the fact that this is there's a

million stories like this of like you know i got cut out of nike at the very beginning all right whatever this might be the worst one because and i and I don't even want to say good on Kevin Miles for taking it and running with it. No, no, no. Fuck that. I mean he's making the most of it. But every time he does something, he should be like – first of all, I want to thank the original Jake from State Farm.

Without you – like the way people thank God. Through him, all things are possible. That's what he should say about Jake Elwins or whatever the guy's name is from State Farm, without you. The way people thank God. Through him, all things are possible. That's what he should say about Jake Elwins, or whatever the guy's name is from State Farm. That guy is the reason why you have your whole existence. Make it right, Kevin Miles. Make it right.

Yeah, he's a Nepo baby. He's the original Nepo baby. If it wasn't for his name's legacy, he'd have nothing. I'm sure this guy... i don't know i was gonna say i'm sure he's really nice and he's i bet he's very fidelberg-esque like if you went to talk to him you'd be like it's all right man like i had a you know i had a small run it was fun while it lasted like i got my family here in idaho it's all good uh i got you know he probably got enough money doing things like this. But fuck that. This guy's

hanging out with Drake! Hanging out with Drake! And the original guy is, you know, begging for tips in Idaho. How much do you think a bartender in Idaho makes? Illinois. Fucking terrible, man. Just the worst.

Just, like, as a society. This is reparations. This is it. This is it. You guys got it. This is the Chappelle skit. You got your payback. Unbelievable, man. That guy. There's gotta be some sort of, uh...

I wonder if you really could like go to court or something like that and be like i established this brand i i'm sure it's hard to fight state farm with like their deep pockets yeah but as far as just like if if you were to just go to trial right away and money was not an issue and stuff if there was like a a judge that would hear the case i think there's a great claim. He's also in – I think he's in fucking Kristen Yershig's vest. He's not here. What's that? He's got that custom-made –

Oh, what he's wearing? Yeah. I think we're about done pretending those are cool-looking. Oh, that's the wag? Yeah. Bro. Did you ever see Quinn's tweet? I'm so happy you said that. i've been looking at those the whole time

going like quicks tweeted like if i ever meet her i'm gonna say they're tacky yeah i was just gonna say nothing against her if you like him you like him they're not exactly my style but they're they're that was the word i was gonna use but i was too afraid to say it tack it i mean that's right that's what they they're designed i don't i don't like uniforms i don't like well that's what i was gonna say like jerseys upcycled or repurposed whatever they call it these days they're you know when you go to like a game and you want to wear like a bedazzled vest to like be at a sporting event i guess it's fits but like let's not pretend it's high fashion right yeah i mean i know i'm sitting here in a white t-shirt so what do i know but like let's come on come on also it's it's one thing when like the girls wear it when jake from jake

kevin miles from state farm wears it. Pretty fucking lame. Ugh. I mean. Man, I really don't like him now. That was a quick change. I didn't really think about him all that much, but. It's not even necessarily him. It's more, you know.

It's the situation. It's the other. I don't blame him. If somebody came to me and said, we're replacing Jake from State Farm, it's going other i don't blame him if somebody came to me and said we're replacing jake from state farm it's going to be you i i genuinely think i would if i ended up being like super rich i think i would like plug him in on some of it but i don't think you can't say no to it yeah yeah but like i said at every step of the way you should be like jake from state farm is is the reason why i've like all my dreams. God damn. Voicemails?

I got a few things. First of all, have you seen the AI stuff where people were just taking... I've seen two videos. One is rappers being turned into white guys. The white rappers is

very unsettling. I mean, one was NBA players turned into white guys. And one is... The white rappers is very unsettling. I mean, like, one was NBA players turned into white guys. Have you ever seen Quarterbacks? Quarterbacks is so funny. I haven't seen Quarterbacks. I feel like that one's pretty similar. Yeah. Look at what Tom Brady looks like white.

But the... They all look... If you take a black person and turn them white it turns out they just look incredibly racist yeah yeah they look like the the type of guys who would be like in prison like in the aryan nation dude if all black people just lost all the melanin yep in their skin right now we'd be like that's the most racist motherfucker i've ever seen dude dude snoop dog looks like kid rock like every yeah that's a good one every single rapper biggie looks like a like a fat like italian guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it is an italian guy who says muyan or whatever it's like yeah they're like every black guy turned white but first of all you have you

so weird if you have you you're given all the technology in the world. If it's at your fingertips, I'm going to turn these black guys white. Look at that. That is Kid Rock for sure. Snoop Dogg. Snoop is all. Wait, wait, wait. Let's go.

Why can they say that I can't? Let's go one at a time. White Lil Wayne looks like you're like Rasta fucking drug dealer, right? Like just complete, like dealing drugs to kids. Snoop Dogg looks like Kid Rock for sure. Tupac looks, I mean, that looks like, oh my God, look at Jay-Z. Jay-Z looks like, Kanye West looks like Blattman. Look at that guy guy look at Biggie

you know he's just a fat racist from Long Island Kendrick Lamar's not bad Kendrick Lamar's not bad yeah dude Dr. Dre is not Dr. Dre looks like uh

hang on these are going too fast these these go back to uh Dr. Dre. What does Dre look like? That is a weird one.

This gives me... This makes me uncomfortable. Kendrick Lamar is the only person so far that's looked like another human. That could just be another human. I was going to say Caleb. Dre looks like a... Dre looks like Don Toretto Yeah I was gonna say

He looks almost like a High school like Football coach Who would like Scream at you And treat you like It's way too serious Ice Cube was another good one

Ice Cube also looks like A local drug dealer Who will just like Run you for You know Shitty weed But I actually also looks like a local drug dealer who will just run you for shitty weed. But I actually, while I... LL Cool J.

LL Cool J looks like... Oh my god! LL Cool J right there looks like fucking... What's his name? The Russian's Cut. Yeah. Dolph L's Cut. Yeah. Donald Dolph Lundgren. Yeah.

I mean, Ice-T is the biggest piece of white trash on the planet. Ice-T makes white Snoop Dogg look like class. Look at these fucking guys. I do appreciate... I while you say like you have all of the the technology at your fingertips and this is what you choose to do like I like that I like that like that's you know it's like should we use AI to cure cancer if you ask me right now going forward we can only use AI for like extreme good or funny shit I would pick funny shit yeah for sure like we could cure cancer we're never gonna get white rappers again I I I think I'm taking the white

rappers I don't know that this is uh built in funny I I think there's someone being like thank god we can finally get rid of fucking black people my utopia this is my dream life rick ross looks like uh action bronson yeah that's the only one that's a that's a legitimate one it looks like rick rubin but i mean it travis scott that's owen gray it feels Does it not feel a little bit racist to be like, black rappers turned into white people is white trash? That makes me feel racist. I don't think so. But you know what I mean?

Be like, if you're black but turned white, you're white trash. I'm like, oh, oh, that sounds bad. It is just like... But I feel like this is what white trash people do is they is they this is how they like dress it up and then black people are like you're white trash and then they just turn posing alone black well actually this reminds me that uh a certain co-worker recently made me black and uh we have all the proof we need that you yeah it turns out i look exactly like sammy which which we knew people had said and i'd never really seen it bro you yes

you did i caught there was that one picture yeah but when we turned you black you you transformed i mean into sammy walkins i'm identical identical to sammy walkins you you you guys look so alike i'm expecting sammy walkins to to invite you to a game at one point Like one of those internet things Where it's like And then he got together with him And there's a picture of you guys shaking hands That's how much you guys look alike

It's a little unnerving Ken Jack made Asian and Indian me It's just unnerving It's just anerving it's just weird it's just a weird a weird feeling i was uh where's it the indian guy had a great head of hair i was like i'll take that i feel like indian guys do have when any indian guys have great hair they have great hair yeah it's like it's flowing like shiny yeah that's asian man that is but that's, like shiny. That's Asian me.

That is... But that's just like they just... That's just an Asian guy. You know what I mean? That's like a whole other head. Yeah, I can't really see you. Like I'm not... Yeah, you wouldn't be like that's me in a picture. That's just they took an Asian head and put it on me.

So some of those things are a little more... I'm still not impressed with AI. Half the things I see from AI is like Not good Like this isn't working Now I can see you I love how they just leave the hands Speaking of Ken Jack

I watched Shogun this weekend So good I also saw Dune 2 And I think I'm not yet seen it, I watched Shogun this weekend. So good. Five. So good. I also saw Dune 2. And I think – I'm not yet seen. I was supposed to go, but I wasn't feeling good on Saturday night. The more I've thought about it, I really liked it. I liked it when I left.

The more I've thought about it, I really liked it. I also think we owe – You sound negative. No, I didn't. I'm waiting for a butt to come. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay. No, it's awesome. It's a genre that's typically not my speed. So it's like – Yeah, I'm surprised for a butt to come no no no it's awesome

it's a genre that's typically not my speed I'm surprised you like it I loved Dune 1 I still might like Dune 1 more I still haven't seen Dune 2 but I think no I know I think Dune is better than Star Wars

and it's a Jake from State Farm situation George Lucas just fucking yoinked everything but I gotta give him credit is better than Star Wars. And it's a Jake from State Farm situation. George Lucas just fucking yoinked everything. But I got to give him credit. George Lucas is the Kevin Miles of movies because I think there's three things. There's three reasons why Star Wars is Star Wars and Dune is not. I think one is the lightsaber.

Two is Darth Vader. Darth Vader i have to really give credit you can't be like that's not like a that's not like a little novelty it's like yeah the main villain is like the greatest villain of all time but the third one i think is the music yeah i think the music is great too though no it's not yeah it is no it's not like it's not like there's not like a Dune theme. No, no, no. You know, like it's a good score. Yes. Like Hans Zimmer did it and it's good for the movie.

But when you can pretend you're playing with a lightsaber and hum the Star Wars theme, you become Star Wars. Yeah. When Dune is – and Star Wars, the movies, you go into like the cantina and you see all the different alien species. And there's these different like restaurants and the bounty hunters and all the world. You know what I mean? Dune is just like gigantic palaces and spaceships in like an imperial desert, which is like more sci-fi. So that's why it's like, you know, really good.

But star Wars has this whole world that you're inside of. That's like, you can point out all the different names and languages and different looking aliens. And, but I, I really think all those little things at that time when it became a movie,

like the dune movie sucks in the beginning in the 80s like it's like the worst movie ever made yeah i've never seen it it's it's like regarded as like the worst movie it's like the clip i've never seen it but the clips i've seen is like you know this 80s like however star wars was able to do that shit in the 70s without like good technology but it looks okay like the the dune one is like oh yeah this looks like you know like things like hanging from strings in the fucking green room sort of thing it's it's like the worst movie of all time so it was kind of like one of those like vcr and betamax things you know it's either dune or star wars and star wars just went but i think now dune is having

its moment where it's like star wars there's like three good movies out of like 12. I don't know how many you can make with Dune because I feel like it's just the books. But I think, I mean, it's fucking incredible. But they don't have that. Like they have the armor that you put on. That's like a Dune thing. You know, like electrical armor. The voice instead of the force. Like there's things there.

But like if they had a really cool laser sword it probably would be more memorable they had a better better you know horns in the music like it would be more memorable than just like that creepy weird like doing the whole movie just going it looks incredible yeah like the shots it's like, if you're into cinematography and the visuals and all that, it's probably the greatest movie of all time. But that doesn't make you, like, the most popular of all time, which sucks, you know? Although these are, I mean, killing, so it's not like. Yeah, they can make $200 million this weekend. True!

It's funny that, deep down, it's like, you would think that nerd shit, and we've talked a lot in recent years how nerd life has taken over, but it's still weird that this is deeply nerdy shit. Deeply. Dune is like, if you like this shit, you are a fucking loser. And it's wildly, wildly popular. I love that Madame Web loses to Dune. You think? I love that you always call it and it's wildly wildly popular it's it's i love that madame webb loses to dune you think i love that you always call it madame webb that's like a dave it's madame

but wait wait wait it loses to dune part one oh man that's brutal that's brutal i do think owe – I don't know if it's an apology to Austin Butler. I think he's just like the greatest voice actor of all time. He's in – He's in Dune Part 2, and he's awesome. Which he really needed because I hear him as like the big actor. I didn't know anything he did except fucking Elvis. Like that was kind of a joke.

So I was always like, who is this big actor? Where's the appeal? Yeah. He's fucking awesome in Dune. Yeah. But also his voice. I'm actually still not convinced that they didn't just like splice it together with Stellan Skarsgård. He's a relative of Stellan Skarsgård.

I don't think he's his son, but he's maybe his nephew. And I was like. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I was like, he sounds exactly like him. I don't think he's his son, but he's maybe his nephew. And I was like, oh, wow. Oh, wow. I was like, he sounds exactly like him. I don't know how, but it's just Stellan Skarsgård. It's crazy. That scene is so fucking sick.

The other Skarsgård. What's his name? Stellan? Stellan. Stellan. He's such a cool. The reason I was thinking of it was as I was watching Dune 1, I was like, this is one of the greatest villains ever.

He's disgusting. But I was comparing him. He's like, he ain't Darth Vader. You know what I mean? But he's right up there as far as the second one. He is fucking disgusting. Anybody going to get nominated for this movie? Would this be one of those that can break through?

I would think Chalamet does. Yeah. Chalamet was really good. He's also, he's honestly, he's become a little too much of a man for me. Yeah. In Dune 1,

like in the very first scene, he's waking up in bed, and he has his shirt off, and it's like, this is a woman. This is a female teenager. There was some close-ups he had facial hair and shit you have a new answer you have a new boy toy no see like that like that dude kind of looks like a man and that's not my bag

somehow that's the straightest and gayest thing you've ever said i want my men to look more like women that's the straightest and gayest thing you've ever said I want my men to look more like women That's so gay Old Shalame By that I mean young Shalame Young Shalame you pop his face on a woman That's a hot chick This dude's a fucking man now

This is Great Absolutely good I learned a fun fact over the weekend Hit me great um absolutely i learned a fun fact over the weekend hit me that uh your nose has erectile tissue in it so i'm guessing one that's why it feels good to pick your nose two when you're turned on that means you actually your nose gets engorged because like the blood flow increases that's why you gotta to hit the clip. Third.

And most importantly, Jackie's had a peanut reduction. Jackie's. Jackie's penis down. The doctor puts Jackie on the table. He's like, she's got a hammer table like she's got a hammer this girl's got a hammer on her face you gotta trim this thing down that's that's interesting yeah i was i'm reading a book uh about it's like when like it does it enlarge when you like in go i don't think you really know it's going to get bigger, but I guess it

engorges when you're... It's why in Friends with Benefits, when Justin sneezes when he comes, that's a real thing. Some people have some connection that sometimes...

I forget what it's called, but if you come, you'll sneeze. Uncontrollably. Or get aroused you'll sneeze uncontrollably that's a tough one to have but i'm i've learned that uh in a book i'm reading and uh it's all about breathing my dad's literally every time i was about to say are you a hundred it's it's every time i thought my dad for the last three weeks to a month he he's like, you read that book yet? You read that book yet? So now you're just reading it so you can say yes. Finally, I was like, I'll read the fucking book. And it's just about breathing?

Yeah. The whole book? And it's pretty interesting. It's an easy read. But the – I started reading it yesterday, so last night. Like a medical book? No, no. That's what I was scared it was going to be

it's actually well written and interesting but it's just about like like ancient breathing techniques and stuff like that got it so it's like an educational book on how to like breathe better kind of but it is also like interesting it's called breath um and uh interesting so last night after i started reading it and you you read all these crazy things about – The new science of a lost art. Bro. Real quick though. Like how dumb are we?

We need books to breathe. Dude. Like we're doing it wrong? Yes. Fuck. Like how dumb are we? And I – so last night I finally for the for the first time, did the mouth tape. I slept with your baby.

Yeah. I mean, it's not. I slept through the night. I didn't eat at all. I didn't know. I woke up. Tape was still on my mouth. And I was like, I'm going to lose 100 pounds.

You should get the mouthpiece have you seen the mouthpiece do you you're yeah i was about to ask you do you snore the mouthpiece all it does is when you lay down your jaw goes down and this mouthpiece uses your teeth and it pulls your jaw forward and your airways are just like completely open all night long it hurts your teeth a little bit but they make ones that mold to your teeth so it doesn't hopefully doesn't move it too much but like the tape i don't know i mean i i don't i don't like the idea of like ripping tape off did it hurt in the morning like no no it was i was like on your beard huh it stayed like on your beard and then? It stayed like on your beard? It's just like a little piece of my lips.

Some of them are like a black piece of tape. I just took like athletic tape that you use with the bandages and stuff like that. And I just put it over my mouth. I wonder if you snored. I don't. Well, you can't snore if you you're brewing through your nose right I guess you could but it's not it's not gonna fucking echo through the hallways like he does with you in your mouth but all that you might like you might you might unlock like the secrets of the universe I went to bed at midnight how good is is that? Woke up at 6.30 feeling like a million bucks.

Empty stomach. Bro, I probably eat in my sleep. 1,000 calories. 500 to 1,000 calories. Yeah. And that's just gone now. I'm down 1,000 calories a day like that. Without doing anything.

I mean, the nose has all the filters and everything. Like, the air that goes through your nose is, like, so much better than through your mouth. You get all the bacteria in your mouth when it's open. You snore. You want to know why I have a big nose? Another thing I learned in this book. The people from more northern regions Are And I think it means ancestrally

Not like people from Massachusetts Um Yeah You're You're from Fall River you got a big nose You're Because you're from colder air Your nose needs to warm up the air before it hits your oxygen

So it needs more space More time to get in. Whereas people from warmer regions have flatter noses. I like that. Pretty cool. Now you have a reason for that beak. Next time someone makes fun of you, I'm warming it up. I'm getting a nigga to show my oxygen's warm.

What are you doing with your nose? So are you gonna Stick with it Yeah Did you have a dream No That'll be the next step No If you get enough

If you get enough Like REM cycle That you have a dream John has never had a dream I Cause you never You're probably never Deep enough sleep

I may have had a dream But I don't remember So it means I didn't have a dream At this point I lay in bed for Eight hours I don't sleep i just lay there for a while you dream though when i do sleep but i'm up a hundred times a night

just a hundred times all parents dream i've noticed that all parents dream all every if you nightmares at least well yeah do you do you not dream i don't dream no jackie do you dream like a lot yeah i i don't think i think that's more about like your physical sleep than i don't think it has to do with like your station in life i think if you if you are breathing right and sleeping right and like lay the right way and you go into deep sleep i think i don't know but i do notice like when i'm more anxious i dream more i mean i'm when i'm more anxious i have worse dreams but i pretty much always have dreams whether or not i can remember them sometimes i'll wake up and i write a dream down i'm like yo that was crazy like write it down before you like because you're gonna fall back asleep and forget and then i read it in the morning i'm like this sucks this is so stupid i don't get people who are like i don't

want to hear about your dreams like well i can understand sometimes dreams are interesting and funny or whatever it's like any story if you can tell it well i want to hear exactly exactly that also if you're i've always thought this like if you're if somebody's saying that you're in their dream that means that they're telling you like what they really think about you like one time I figured out that a friend was throwing a surprise birthday party for me because she told me about her dream and then I figured it out and she did throw me a surprise birthday party Jackie the detective that's very impressive so so you were just like you're thinking about me so much you must be throwing a party for me no because she was like I was hiding a secret from you I mean it wasn't like

that dot like deep she was like I was trying like yeah it was like a few days before my birthday she was like and i kept like trying to hide something from you you kept trying to find it and like then you did and then so then i figured out i said this has to be a surprise birthday party sure enough surprise birthday do you ever get offended does anybody has anybody ever been like you were like horrible to me in my dream? And I'm like, well, clearly something in your brain is going on there. I've had your standard cliche mornings with a girlfriend being like, you were so mean to me. Right, right. It's never actually how it kind of plays out in movies.

But I've had that, and I've been like, well, I'm like the girl in the matter. I'm like, well, what in the matter i'm like well what the fuck do you think about me what's your what's your brain telling you yeah i'm offended i get your subconscious or some part of your brain like thinks i'm an asshole fuck fuck you and your brain the next time a girl tries to pull that flip that you know why do you why do you think i'm cheating on you you fucking bitch fucking bitch? I'm being a perfect boyfriend. Your dumb brain saying that I'm cheating and mean to you? Fuck your brain.

I can't imagine why my brain thinks this. You dumb bitch. Fuck your fucking brain. I'm nothing but nice to you. Fuck you. Yeah, I think a good dream. You know, a funny a funny dream yeah if you can tell it's like any story if you're gonna tell it well it's gotta just be like a quick you know it's like yo i had this crazy dream where like you know you were you were naked and you did this thing okay done it's when

it's like and then and then and then and then and then i think people are like it's like hearing about your fantasy team or your bets or whatever anything else it's like just keep it moving it's not a topic of your stories it's how you're telling them does anybody have dreams where like like recently i've been having dreams where i'm remembering something like a like another dream that i realize i haven't had and it's almost like i'm remembering another life and i'm when i wake up i'm positive i'm so positive that it this happened before. Has anybody ever experienced that? No.

I feel like we talked about this, though, right? Where, like, the people live, like, a whole life in a dream. Yeah. Right? It's a whole other thing. I think I'm pretty clear that it's a dream. You're saying that it's something that's happened? Like, I'm remembering.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to explain it. don't know how to explain it but if anybody like let me know if anybody else experiences you're talking about like a dream within a dream no no no it's like i wake up because like the other day like i jumped and i was like wait where did i go to school again and it was something like something with the Shutterstock logo, right? Right? Like everyone's going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And something like about this group of friends, something tragic happened to them. And I was like remembering,

and I'm remembering and I like, I know that it happened. And I woke up, I was like, oh yeah, I went to Shutterstock University. I forgot about that. And then like a minute later, I was like, wait, I went to USC. I didn't go to Shutterstock University. But like when I woke minute later I was like wait I went to USC I didn't go to Shutterstock University but like when I woke up

I was so so I went to Shutterstock now when I say it it's like obviously that it isn't real but like I really want to make some merch that says

Shutterstock University make a college t-shirt it was something it was something like Shutterstock University but that's probably because you're are you

yeah I was gonna say are you you're editing and putting in pictures of Shstock i've not interacted with shutterstock once in my entire life okay all right so we're gonna give her the benefit of the doubt jackie's working so hard it's in her subconscious nope i'm breaking all the rules using all the illegal pictures like like uh it's a different feeling like when i woke woke up, I was like, oh, I'm positive that that has been a lifetime before. And it's different from my other dreams. Like there,

I went to Shutterstock University. How about another gold star Google from, from past as if Shutterstock University was going to bring up its own college and not just pictures of a university on Shutterstock. That's nobody better than you. I was like, what would Shutterstock University look's nobody better than you, Ted. I was like, what would Shutterstock University look like? There you go.

Ah, you're the best. Wow. Everyone here is from every ethnicity. What a diverse college. So, yeah, you're just like hyper real dreams, basically. i don't know i don't know how to explain it but i feel like jackie has like one percent grasp over her own brain like it's just constantly doing things either awake or asleep or daydreaming or when you're high or drunk or

you're thinking that you're just like i don't know't know, man. I don't know what's going on up here. Your brain is just running wild at all times. Yeah. What I was saying, when I got high this weekend, I was expecting, I was like, oh, here we go. Here comes all the thoughts. And then I was just chill as hell. I was just like, I just want ice cream.

This is what normal people experience, probably, when they're high. Which, Pavs, you kind of just said that you experienced that too right what getting high and being normal not oh yeah i started smoking weed again turns out it just makes you normal yeah if you don't get the paranoia and you're not too extreme with the uh the munchies it's great yeah it's when you freak out and you eat like a billion calories. And you're like, I can't do this every night or I'm going to die mentally and physically. I ordered some mushrooms the other day, like some Instagram mushrooms. So they're not like mushrooms, you know.

But it was like, it was specifically like, this thing will stop the production of the enzyme cortisol that causes stress. I was like, worth a shot. It's like, probably not. It's getting fed to me on Instagram, and you're just some dude talking to me. But I'm going to try. He was just like, your brain, like, when stress produces this thing, it won't produce it anymore. I was like, done. Sounds great. Sounds great great this seems very easy yeah probably probably not because i think we would have done

this already but okay let's give it a whirl i think it arrived today so i'm gonna give it a whirl um last thing no one has ever been i guess it's horny i i can't believe maybe i missed it maybe it was on different uh social feeds other than mine does this jack harlow instagram story real i don't know this it's the most down bad horny dude instagram story i've ever seen in my life it could be fake though because of his new song you know like his what is it it's just a black background and everything is just typed out says hurts when you see a fairly unknown yeah hurts when you see a fairly unknown beautiful woman in a music video or movie from 25 to 30 years ago

wishing you could just go back and experience something with her knowing brad pitt probably add that still googling to see how she aging finding her ig and reaching out via dm to say you enjoyed her in that small world message never even gets seen because she isn't fulfilled by social media at this age with a broken heart. My dude is hurting for some old lady pussy. Bro, put down the phone, girly pop. That is, that's one of the worst things ever posted on social media. That should be in the Hall of Fame of. It's just to see a hot older woman

just be like, I bet Brad Pitt fucked her. That ending being like, she's not fulfilled by social media. It is... Who do you think it is? It is a terminally horny post. Terminally horny is a a rough phrase that is that's got to be one of the worst posts of all

time that's so bad i like it i hate when you see a fucking old music video from 30 years ago and get horny he said it like it's so common don't you hate you know what's really crazy is i was trying to think of like what music video it is and in my head i'm going back to like ancient videos it's like 25 years ago it's like i don't know it could be a girl like a nelly yeah right right right brutal man brad pitt probably had brad pitt fucked her i know i just know brad Brad Pitt fucked my dream girl from 30 years ago knowing Brad Pitt

probably had that is so gross so gross dude just being dash damn it off Brad Pitt fucked her I like the catch all explain away I'm just going to say that from when I never DM girls she's not fulfilled by girls but she's not

fulfilled by social she's not fulfilled by social media that's why i'm left not even read she doesn't even she doesn't even need this anymore in her life she's beyond that yo that is that that is the i'm vanilla baby that's the the poster child for why you should not why we need like time restrictions or whatever on your phone like put it down at 9 p.m you know go jerk off or whatever dude i don't know do whatever you got to do to not post that on the internet literally do whatever you have to do to not post that on the internet. I don't care if you have to, like, kill a man. Go out there and do whatever it takes to not feel these feelings and do this ever again, Jack Harlow. Jesus Christ.

All right, voicemails? We got a Virgin Mary full of weed, Hitler's balls, cocaine chickens, and a priest with a shotgun. That was what I did this weekend. What is that? That is The Gentleman. It's Guy Ritchie's first ever tv series i didn't realize that i you know you've heard the name guy richie forever guy richie's so smart by always putting his name in it you know it's always guy richie's the the thing you know so you always know it's him i feel like that's a

newer thing though because like snatch isn't guy richie's snatch yeah you're right but i think snatch kind of started it and then he's made those type of movies since and it's like every time you get in a movie like that you know it's yeah it's guy richie i think i think the covenant was the first one that you called guy richie's though i don't know i don't know for sure uh well snatch uh two smoking barrels uh lock stock there's i mean he's got a million and now it's coming to the small screen on Netflix where you can get multiple episodes. It's not just a two-hour movie of Guy Ritchie

and all the badasses that are in that movie. It's a full series where you can watch an entire season. So watch what happens when you try to play gangsters at their own game. It's a guy who inherits his father's business and realizes his father has been like a drug kingpin all along,

so he gets thrust into the gangster world, which always kind of works, whether it's like a Breaking Bad scenario or something where it's a guy like who comes from the right side of the tracks and now is all of a sudden, I have to be like in the gangster world. That always plays.

So don't miss The Gentleman. It's on Netflix, March 7th. This has got Fidelberg written all over it. Oh, yeah. In a big way. world that always plays so don't miss the gentleman it's on netflix march 7th this is this got fidelberg written all over it oh yeah in a big way britain's criminal underworld guns out pinkies up that's fidelberg right there for you so watch the gentleman only on netflix march 7th sup kfc fights uh i just caused a car accident by trying to be nice and wave somebody through. And they got T-boned on the other side of me. So my question for y'all is, have you ever done something nice for somebody and it backfired like shit? Thanks, B-Bone.

Dude, that is – people driving like too nice or too cautious is a problem. You know? You think so? Yes. Like just do the rules you know what i mean like the other just this happened to me just yesterday like i was i was merging in and it was like this car 100 should have just like kept driving and i would have merged after them and they like slowed down to like 30 miles an hour on the fucking highway and i was going like 30

because i was merging and we were like side by side i was like what are you doing i was running out of road they're running out of road people are driving around them i was like this is crazy i hate that and they stop and you're like no i knew what i was doing right i timed this perfectly and you're now you're fucking it all up but at least that one is like you know yeah like if i hit you with my car and you're walking like we're dead but when there's like multiple lanes and you're waving but there's another lane of traffic that's not waving what are you doing i i picture yeah i i don't i picture that instead of four-way stop but obviously that's not the case i don't know i've been on like even just like a two-lane road and I'm crossing and one person's like, go, go, go.

And I'm like, there's a whole other lane that's whipping. So you're now people are stopped at a green light because you were telling me to go. I'm not going to go because I'm going to get hit by those cars. It's just fucking go. Yeah. Don't the system works miraculously enough. Yeah. It's like the biggest killer of people on the planet earth

but the fact that like for the most part you go out and drive around and 99 of the time you're okay is insane dude it's a miracle miracle one of the car accidents i've been in where i saw it from so far away it was honestly like looking back on it was really cool it was like it was i was the first car in traffic and it was snowing and i could just see like i looked in the like once i stopped like i just looked in the mirror and just saw this guy like i could see his face like yeah so my buddy was like yo we're about to get hit pretty hard oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what we're about to brace yourself pretty hard Brace yourself. Pretty hard. I got fucking smoked.

My dad's brand new car. I got to pick my buddy up at school. My dad had that car for like three days. It was – he honestly – It's not his fault? Huh? Was it any of your fault at all? No, not our fault at all. And like my mom was like

what the fuck is wrong with you and my dad surprisingly was the one who was like you got hit from behind what are you gonna do I was like oh he's an insurance man he knows

he knows the deal but yeah it was very funny like you just watch this guy just get like ahhhh I was about to get teed up some Austin Powers shit remember that scene

that's funny but no i can't think of anything where like i would just did something nice i like that just that quote right there i don't think of anything where i've done something nice i don't think i i don't think i've ever done anything nice that's not true like like out of my way nice i think i'm a generally nice person yeah like like if the opportunity presents itself to be nice to someone. I choose nice all the time, but I also like... But I'll never like... I'll go out of my way in a relationship, but

anything else, I'm pretty like... You're good. Yeah, because I don't want you to do anything for me all right boys i've done like seven videos for you guys in the past two weeks not sent in a single one of them you guys are basically my therapist at this point so anyway uh me and my cousin are pretty close uh i finally follow her on instagram recently uh we usually keep our internet lives separate because i do content and they're your normal and i don't want my family to follow me on content you know that is so anyway i follow her on social media because we're close.

She's one of my closer family members and she's just posting thirst traps. She's just posting thirst traps constantly, man. Constantly, man. The amount that I wish that I can go back in time and not follow her, I would kill almost anybody for it. I can't unfollow her. That's rude as hell. That's just too rude for me to do.

So, do I double tap her thirst traps or not? Do I double tap my cousin's thirst traps or not? I don't know whether to support or be a good family member or just ignore it. I don't know what to do. So be a good family member or just ignore it.

I don't know what to do. So anyway, you don't have to fuck this chick. So we all want to fuck our cousins, right? I mean, you've said it a million times before. The mute button is there for a reason, brother. But that, I did not think that was going to be the question at all. I thought it was just going to be like, have you ever awkward you know seen family members post awkward shit you don't have to like your blood relatives sex photos no the answer to that is no that's that's i mean like like that

girl think about this and i'm not i don't want to go too deep into it and be like look how narcissistic this guy is but the thought that this guy is thinking that his female cousin is sitting there going, I can't believe he, I can't believe my cousin's not even liking my thirst traps. Bro, you're good. You're good. She does not want you to like those fucking, but it comes to the internet is everybody expected to, like, follow every, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, like, I have my, I, it's like code switching, kind of.

You know what I mean? Like, when I'm with my parents, I talk a certain way. And I don't say certain things. And we don't talk about certain topics. And then when one of my friends, I act a certain way. And, you know know you have like all these different things yeah but then when you're on the internet you're supposed to like follow grandma and grandpa and your aunt and uncle and everybody's supposed to see everything

it's like why why that i used to follow everyone like the second i met him and then it got too messy we just happened to fucking unfollow people when they got fired so i just i don't i don't follow you for quite some time now yeah you gotta you gotta like alright you're a lifer okay I'll follow you but even but more not even like co-workers

just like friends and family members I haven't followed a person I met in real life like outside of work in a long time right yeah

like since Facebook yeah like it's just in high school you know because there are gonna be the moments where it's like,

yo, that's a weird account that you follow, man. Or like I saw you double tap that thing or whatever. And it's harmless, but it always is like, oh, that guy's horny online. You know, that guy's a pervert. Like just – part of me is like everybody should have to put their government name and their face on everything they do on the internet. And part of me is like let should have to put their government name and their face on everything they do on the internet and part of me is like let everybody do it anonymously we either should all be one or the other but it's in between you know i don't like that but like yeah i don't want

you know teachers from school following me i don't want the other parents of kids yeah yeah following especially us i mean it's very different with us but like in general you don't want the other parents of kids following me. Especially us. I mean, it's very different with us. But, like, in general, you don't need to see my online activity. There's that show. Fuck, what is it? Kaley Cuoco and Chris Messina. Peacock. The flight attendant?

No. It's like a murder mystery. It's like a... Wasn't she a fighter? It's about, like, murder podcasts. Oh. I forget what it's like uh wasn't she about like murder podcasts oh um i forget what it's called but in it he meets her friend who's a fitness instructor or whatever and he's like hey i saw your instagram this morning that was pretty good good workout and the girl gets like very standoffish and cold and later

in the hotel room he's like what the fuck was that all about she's like you don't talk to people about their fake life in real life right Right, right. Yes. Exactly. This is what I do. What was it called? Based on a true story. This is what I, this is, that's why as weird as it is when I hear about people having like internet friends and like meet up, tweet ups and stuff like that. That's kind of an older thing now, but like people used to meet on Twitter and then hang out.

I kind of get it because you go on, you go on the internet and you're like your actual true ass self. And when you find people in these forums, Reddit or wherever that are doing the same thing, you're like, you're probably more – we're probably more compatible than my real friends. That's a whole other – opening up that door of being friends on the internet is a whole other conversation. But let me do the things I do on the internet because I'm not doing them in real life for a reason. Yeah, yeah. So I don't want you guys knowing that. I don't want you seeing my comments and what I'm reading or what I'm watching or all that shit because I'm being weird on the internet, bro.

Just let me be weird. I got a good answer to the internet question if you could bring back one person from the dead to have sex with them who would it be there is a correct answer for women and gay men there's an actual right answer to this question

I think is it Paul Walker yes it is. That's the one. That's the fucking one. That's amazing. That was good, Jackie. That is the one.

The girl wins, and the world wins. You know, like, and underage girls probably don't win. But everybody else wins. That's the one. Jackie was in the room when I started my Fast and Furious marathon, and she was like, locked in. Yeah.

No, I had a full sexual awakening. Oh, you didn't know him until then? No, I just didn't. Like, I didn't really ever see anything with him. I've seen photos of him. Oh, him in action? Yeah, buddy. Brian O'Connor, right?

They do something to him in the movies. They pop his eyes. Yeah. But, and he's also doing the coolest shit. Driving the cars and fighting the guys. Guys driving cars is also just hot. Totally. There is something about that.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Cars are inherently, you know? It shouldn't be, but I don't know. Is that nature or nurture? If that works for you, then I know how to fucking parallel park. Yeah.

Sounds good. But why? Do you think that's nature or nurture? Like, there's something to, like, if a guy is, like, strong, you know, biologically, a girl, whether they realize it or not, is attracted to that. But operating machinery probably shouldn't matter one way or the other. I've seen that before. One of those girls, when a guy does this and it's just like – Palming the wheel?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that's the bar, I can it's over but it is like if you can parallel park in one shot i feel like people girls find that attractive it's like okay yeah i'll take it uh paul walker's answer nancy reagan you win on that one that is a great answer that's a great answer i was trying to think of like uh someone you know taken away too early oh but so my answer was gonna be amy winehouse but then i i figured i feel like if you fucked amy winehouse back to life she'd be like i didn't want to be here there's a reason why i checked out imagine that You bring somebody back with your wish and they're like, God, you asshole, dude.

Man, I gotta fuck this guy. My reward is this. I feel like Amy Winehouse could throw it down. But Nancy Reagan is... There's a correct answer for both. I just learned that... I don't know why. I guess I'd only heard it at weddings and stuff.

I just learned that Amy Winehouse know why I guess I'd only heard it at like weddings and stuff I just learned that Amy Winehouse's house is Valerie what? the song Valerie Valerie well it's a remake oh it is a remake yeah yeah yeah

so I always thought it was an older song yeah yeah yeah okay okay that makes more sense alright interview time let's do it Kim Congdon on KFC Radio

thank you I like that she believed in me to catch her I was gonna say that was a bit that's like it's a bit bold no I like that she believed in me to catch me. I was going to say, that was a bit, that's a bit bold. No, I feel like it brought me closer to her.

It did something for me. I think I like women now. I was going to say, some of the special, you're pretty honest about women, right? Yeah. I mean, you know what?

To be honest, my jokes come, are like stem from the truth, but are very, very much like satire. A lot of them. But yeah. I liked the, you can rape me, but you won't come. That one is true. That one is true. I was like, that to me is very honest and very ballsy. I'm strong enough that I will just edge you the entire time. You're going to love it.

You don't want to rape me. Rape a weak bitch. Rape someone without a blue belt. Because I'll be able to hold it off for a minute until someone hears my screams. Sting heard this. Hang on a second. You're going to rape me, but you're going to do it in a Kimura. Okay?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like, who'd you choke out? Bobby Kelly? And Big Jay. Those are two wildly different ones. I choked out Bobby Kelly. You have to use a lot of arm strength to get through. You've got to use a lot of arm to get through those necks.

I needed a third arm almost. They were just down to be like, they were just like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they love it. They're freaks. I mean. They are freaks. They're freaks, dude.

Yeah. What is, I remember like being a kid and everyone always trying to do it. And I don't think I was ever around for a successful chokeout as a kid. I got choked out. We used to play that game when I was at sleepovers. We used to play what we called the choking game. Now that's called sex. We push each other against the wall and then make each other pass out.

Just like right under the neck? Really? Yes. We went through like a phase of it for like a month. And then I think it was like a trending thing that all the kids were doing. And then I think a couple died a trending thing that all the kids were doing and then I think a couple died and everyone was like. I remember hearing all

about that and I remember seeing like procedural shows criminal minds on it and like I don't like like a tap thing was a thing but like I don't remember ever like being like let's choke each other out or let's pass out.

I had a couple kids come up to me and they were like touch your toes take like 10 deep breaths and then like come up and put your arms like this and they just had a big guy squeezing me from behind I didn't know that was gonna happen and I woke up on the pavement with a bloody elbow and a knot on my head and I was like was that the game what the fuck but what's more what's more concerning is they just I just they were like older kids you know I don't know I was six they just, I just, they were like older kids, you know, I don't know, I was sixth grade. And they said do it and you were like. And I just did it.

And you did it. They didn't say we're doing this thing. They just said, touch your toes, breathe. I was like, okay. And then woke up like, oh, what the fuck. I have bad news. You were raped. I was going to say.

It would last long in prison. Or maybe I would. I don't know. Touch your toes. Follow directions. Well, the eighth graders never did anything to me physically but they were like they like made me jerk off but not in front of them

they were like they're like we were on a ski trip and this guy hold on do we have a doctor in the house

this has happened to me on stage before you say something you think it's relatable you're like don't you hate it when your mom puts hot sauce

in your mouth and everyone's like this happens to me on stage before. You say something, you think it's relatable. You're like, don't you hate it when your mom puts hot sauce in your mouth? And everyone's like. This happens to me once an episode. I was going to say. This is familiar territory. They made you jerk off. But not like, made is a very strong word. Courage you to.

They taught me what it was. And they were like, you better do that when you go home tonight. And we want to hear about it tomorrow. Oh, my God. They're the weird ones. Not me. Oh, God. I're the weird ones. Not me. Oh God I can't remember.

The boarding school hockey player. No this was middle school. This was middle school. Oh well that's real weird.

Middle school gets weird. Yeah. Middle school gets Well I guess middle school is when everything's popping off.

Hormones and everything. So it's like I never once did any of that though. The stories of like so you were in a room with all your

friends jerking off. I was like no bro. Yeah. Never really had my dicks out with all my friends. Never did that. Maybe I'm a loser. I don't know, but I just never did that. No, I mean, people figure it out in their own ways, I guess.

You know? Just me and a bag of Vaseline. Yeah. Hey, if you had your journey alone, that's on you, buddy. For real. I had a buddy once come out. We were at his house, and he came running out with his dick covered in peanut butter and, like, calling for his dog.

And we were like, you don't really do that, right? And he was like, no. Totally not, bro. Well, did you see the reaction of the dog? That's what it told you. I didn't. He was upstairs. He, like, it was actually kind of crazy. He had his bathroom

here and then he was like, hey guys! Hey! I forget his dog name. The dog just lays down and opens its mouth. Fuck it with the peanut butter. It's Lou, bro. What do you mean? The dog condom. This is dog

spermicide. Peanut butter. Gets a mean yeast infection but doesn't have a baby. This is a pretty gross story. Let her rip, babe. About eight years ago, a random chick sent me a video of her. I think the dog was a Doberman. It was a hot dog.

Okay. A hot brand. It matters. It was a hot dog. Okay. It matters. It does actually matter, dude. If she was fucking a cheapoo, it would have been fucked up. You know what I mean? A Doberman, I was like, at least that's a man.

Like a man dog. I'm turned on right now. He was fucking her. You know what I mean? If it was the other way, she would have been fucking the cheapoo. That's bestiality. He just had sex.

Yeah. He had sex with a man. It was either a German shepherd or a Doberman. I pretty much blocked it out, but she sent me a video of her banging it while I was at the comedy store. Like a fan did? Or like a. I actually can't remember how it happened.

I think it was like a weird lesbian girl. Maybe it was also a troll that had that video pretending to be a girl. You know how people get. But she was like, can I send you a crazy video? weird lesbian girl maybe it was also a troll that had that video pretending to be a girl you know how people get but she was like can i send you a crazy video and i was like yeah because if i get that message from anyone i'm like yeah and then she sends that and then i show like all the comedians i'm with i'm like look at this message this girl sent me and they're egging it on like ask her questions and dude she was answering all the questions yeah i asked her a bunch of questions like i literally it her a bunch of questions.

Like, I literally, it was a video of her fucking the dog and then followed by, like, not to sound like 50 Cent, but by 21 questions. I was like, if you flip burgers at Burger King. Did you, okay, so now I'm going to have questions. First of all, what position? Okay, so she got into doggy Yeah smart And the dog mounted her Yeah So it's yeah it's doggy style

Yeah it's doggy style Imagine if you have sex with a dog Alright we'll do it your way Yeah It would be funny if the dog figured out other positions The dog's reverse cowgirl That's actually my friend Hormis Oh I'm wearing his beanie right now

Yeah that's one of his jokes is that His friend fucked a dog You know the position Reverse cowgirl that's actually my friend oh I'm wearing his beanie right now yeah that's one of his jokes is that his friend fucked a dog you know the position reverse cowgirl like a dog reverse cowgirl is so funny

I probably fucked that up but it's funny have you ever seen a dog when they lay out with like their legs all the way back yeah yeah

oh yeah yeah that's their bone bone man it was some crazy shit. I was like, do you like your dog? Do you have a crush on it, is what I asked her. Like, do you have feelings for your dog? And she was like, basically, like, I love him so much, and he makes me cum. I think a lot of people in the world right now.

I wish I could find the message. I tried to find it on Legion of Skanks, but I think I deleted and blocked in the world right now. I wish I could find the message. I tried to find it on Legion of Skanks, but I think I deleted and blocked her after I got all my curiosity out. I was really fucking disgusted but also intrigued. I hope that's not weird. It's a one of a kind. You're not going to get that message from anybody ever again. You might as well get all your licks in. Yeah.

Okay. And then there's, I don't remember most of the other questions i but i will tell you this she got on the dog bed went doggy style and the dog got up from the floor yeah it didn't seem very rapey i think i think most people these days like should be fucking their dogs clip that the way people talk about their dogs it's like if you feel like that

you should be fucking them if you like them so much why don't you kiss them it's so annoying how much people talk about my dogs the best you know what I think is annoying when people show me pictures of their dogs like a bunch of pictures, because it's not like a baby.

Babies have individual faces, but I got to break the news to you. Your golden retriever looks like the next one. They're all the same looking dog. I've talked about this before, and it happened this morning. I was walking, and literally there was eight dogs,

and just in the way. I think we are running into a problem where we are letting – everyone is worried about AI. I'm with you on this. We're giving the world to the dogs. There was a time dogs feared us. There's a person with a dog's tongue in their mouth right now going like – It's going like, damn right we are. When you're walking on the streets of New York, you're stepping over dog leashes.

A dog used to get the fuck out of my way. A dog doesn't get out of my way anymore. No, they don't respect us anymore. They shit where they want. They're in the restaurants. They're in the bars. They walk where they want. I hate when people have dogs that are just not trained.

I look down on people. If your dog, I'm sorry to say this, but Alex said this morning about your neighbor. She goes, I feel so bad every time we come home late, their dogs go crazy. I'm like, that's their fault. That's their fault. They should have taught the dog not to bark when people come to the door. Hit it! Bring back hitting dogs!

We stopped hitting children and dogs. We have to hit one. We have to. We can't let go of both. The world's going to go to shit. We can to hit one. We have to. We can't let go of both. The world's going to go to shit. We can't let society just run amok. What happened to smacking a dog on the nose so he was the leader of the pack?

A little newspaper. A little newspaper rolled up. I've talked about this before on the show a long time ago. This is how we're going to get canceled. I've got to shit. For sure. When you talk about dogs, people go crazy. We've been dipping our toe in the water of anti-dog for a while.

Let's go back to raping me. Like they liked. Dude, I had a friend who had two dogs, and I went over the first time, and they were like, hey, just so you know, the dog's going to bite you a little bit, but it'll be fine. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? We're not going in your house.

It's just going to bite your ass real quick. It's just how he gets to know you. And I was like, make your dog stop biting people. No, yeah, I don't want to get to know your dog that way or it's like oh he slobbers a lot in sheds but like i could never date a guy that had a misbehaved dog no i'm like i'm not gonna listen to you your dog doesn't even respect you why i have to get the fuck out of your animal that sleeps on the floor and licks his own ass does not respect you that's a great point i will say it's kind of hard to get dogs to respect you it's not it's not you got to put in some work no i'm good at

training dogs yeah yeah i am i'm good at training i can teach babies how to swim really well i'm good at communicating with things that can't talk to me really you're like a whisperer of sorts that's a that's a very good skill to have. I'm really good at teaching. And neither of those I'm professionally trained to do. But I've spent like, you know, like, say, like, three or four days at a friend's house. How many babies are you training to swim? I've taught three babies to swim.

Where did you come upon these babies? Well, I live in Florida. So I taught my sister how to swim. Then I taught my nephew how to swim. Wait, how old was the age difference my sister when i taught her how to swim she was probably i was probably eight and she was like four okay something like that yeah all right but you were still like that was my first time the second person i was my ex-boyfriend's son he was four when i taught him how to swim i taught him in

four hours how to swim and i taught my nephew how to swim in two days. What do you think about when they just take like an 18-month-old baby and just pop them in? Well, that's not my, that's not what I do. That's not my style. That's not my style,

but do what you gotta do, I guess. Those little fuckers just like bob around like a little buoy. Yeah, so I could train a dog. I've stayed at a friend's house for like three or four days

and then I've trained, I've taught their dog tricks and they've been like, I didn't even know it could sit. I'm like, yeah, you just have to kind of try. You do have to try. That's the only difference. That's one of the things. If you just like try. Try a little bit.

Yeah. Have you ever thought about dating someone who doesn't speak English? Wait, I'm trying to make the connection, but I'm too high. You said you're good at teaching people who you can't communicate with. Oh, you know what? No. I don't want to teach an adult man anything, to be honest. It's too late for that.

If you come into my life, just know already. Just know whatever you need to know. How was skanks last night? It was very fun. Yeah? Very, very fun. I don't know. When does this come out?

Do you guys know? Oof. I don't want to say it before Skanks comes out. I would say next week. Yeah, it'll be next week. Yeah. No, we had a good time. We did a fun, we had a trial.

It was great. A trial. It got very serious. It almost got violent. Check it out. What was the, can you say what the sides of the trial were? I won't give too much detail,

but the stand, or the skanks, were suing the club that they do their show on. For real or for funsies? For trial, for the podcast, but kind of for real. Okay, got it.

There was a for real debate happening in the form of a trial With mentally ill people This is how we go to court We just fight on podcasts Well at least it'll get views It's trial It's therapy

We just do it all in one shot on a podcast We're busy We gotta get it all out at one time I'm not gonna work on anything but I'll get it all the fuck out yeah yeah therapy's fucking expensive um you still go to therapy i still go to therapy i need to go i haven't been in a month i wait till usually something really bothers me and then i go i feel like sometimes if i'm happy it's a little pointless in a weird way yeah because then i'm just there and i'm like everything's great and he's like cool and then i kind of feel weird that I'm bragging.

I just like spend an hour giving him my credits. I did this, I did that. Yeah, I gotta save the hundred bucks. Yeah, I think we went a little far

with like, you know, everybody should do it but if you don't really need it, I don't think it's always necessary. It's like a vitamin deficiency when you need to take

some extra vitamin D, do that. Sure. But you don't need to fucking overload on it. You don't need the 10,000%. Yeah, you don't need it. Or maybe you do.

I don't know. Maybe I'm deficient. I don't know. But yeah, dude, it's fucking, it's been fun. It's so nice. I'm visiting. It's nice to visit New York after living here. I hated it when I lived here.

Did you? How come? I hated it. What about it? I hated it when I lived here. Did you? How come? Hated it. What about it? I hated, well, okay, so, being a woman alone and doing stand-up, at the end of the night, it's like you're a comedian,

you're not making a lot of money. This was four years ago. I'm broke as fuck. I live in a place that has roaches with four roommates. I have no fucking window in my room. This sounds pretty shitty. Yeah.

Not gonna lie. Yeah, and then uh and and then at the end of the night when you do sets you get sets but you're a newer comedian so you're getting the late spots and then you have to fucking take the train home at 3 a.m it's like they're 30 minutes apart you're alone it's fucking scary i don't know it just sucks it really is just scary yeah i i had a cousin move here recently and we went to dinner and she's like do you ever get scared walking in the city and i was like no but i'm a man yeah she's like yeah that is a big difference a little bit of a difference

maker and even sometimes i am scary i'm scared yeah yeah exactly you're both you're a man you said that right. That was a little slip. Yeah, a little fucking slip. Sometimes at night I'm scary. Sometimes I am scary. You find out you've been eating people for years. They pull up this clip.

That's how I go viral. She was right next to a cannibal the whole time. He was telling you, right? The whole time. But yeah, it's been fucking... I have a boyfriend now. So I have a new boyfriend. And it has been it's been fucking I have a boyfriend now so I have a new I have a new boyfriend and it has been

so nice so I you know I'm doing a new set right now I've been talking on stage how I'm more tired because I'm less scared you don't have the adrenaline going?

yeah I don't have like the like the wounded animal look around thing anymore there's just like someone next to me and I'm like oh it's a man, so no one's going to fuck with him.

Like, I'm with someone no one's going to fuck with. That's a terrible thought. You're more tired because you're less scared. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, I'm on sleep mode now. I can shut my eyes. Your body's like catching up after 10 years of fight or flight.

My blinks are slower. I'm like, it's great, dude. We took a walk at night the other day. Imagine that. That was beautiful. I said, this is nice. How long have you been dating him? A couple months.

Okay. It's pretty new. Yeah, but it has been a relief. Now I bring him everywhere. I feel like I have security. It's like free security. Is he big? I see how you say it.

He's right here. Oh, yeah, that's right. Sounds like you picked up a girlfriend and a job, bro. Yeah, like, I mean, I'll be honest, like, I'm not really in the business

of protecting anybody. No. I don't think I'd be very good at it. He looks like he'd be good at it. But, like, if I was dating somebody and she was like, okay, like, you'll protect me at night now? I'd be like, maybe.

I don't know. We'll see when the time comes. How big is he? Yeah, do I have a gun? Do I have a weapon? Let's play this scenario. Was that always something you thought about in a paramour? Protection?

You know, I didn't always well yes it's always been attractive being with a guy that can beat up other people i've only not done it once before and it was horrible having a pussy boyfriend that guy is if he hears this he's like fuck, and he knows who you are. He knows who he is. He's probably quivering in his room right now. If you're that guy, you're sitting there running through the list of ex-boyfriends like, nope, okay. But I do have a standard rule now that all my boyfriends have to be able to beat up the last guy. Wow.

It's like the Hunger Games kind of move on to the next level. Don't worry, baby. You're my final boss. That is a very funny thought right there. That is good. You have to. Imagine having a new boyfriend and your last boyfriend could beat him up. Yeah.

He can't. It's tough. But then as you keep dating, where does it go? What do you mean? Like you said, he's the final boss. But like, if you do a bunch of these,

eventually you gotta find fucking, you know, a gorilla. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Like the girl fucking the animals by the end of it.

Dude, I saw this gorilla that went viral. I keep bringing up animals that are hot. But I saw... We were talking about owls raping yesterday, so you're in the right place.

Oh, owls rape? Well... No, in Jackie's dreams. Yeah, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie thought that there was owls raping yesterday So you're in the right place Oh owls rape? Well No in Jackie's dreams Jackie Yeah Jackie Jackie Jackie thought that there was an owl raping It turned out to just be like an owl

That was like in Central Park He was a horny owl A horny owl He was horny for owls Animals get really horny Oh for other owls Yeah He was trying to fuck some owls

They're scary because they're silent That's a silent rape The worst kind If an owl rapes in the air, do you even hear it? Yeah, dude. Never mind. I'll let go of the hot gorilla. No, no, no.

Rank your hottest animals. Well, I think gorillas are up there. They look closest to humans. Naturally, yeah. Is a human an animal? Good question. You're right. I a human an animal? Good question. You're right. I guess humans first.

It is. But it's like... We're all animals. We were playing 21 Questions at the airport yesterday or Sunday, and Jackie said it's an animal. Oh, in that regard, no. Because there's like people, place, thing, animal, whatever. Then the answer is no, though.

If you have to say no, it should be the answer is no Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean like I think in that oh, okay. You saying if I answer that all right. I'll fuck a gorilla I'm saying like I guess like scientifically we're all animals, but if you're playing a fucking game like that. We're not animals We're like what color is it she's like skin color What was it? She's like, skin color. What was it? What was the person? No, it was just a person.

Oh, it was just you. We aren't animals. Remember that thing that would blow everyone's mind in the 90s that you'd ask it a bunch of questions? You'd have to ask it like 3,500 questions, and it'd be like, you're talking about a lamp. I did the... You asked me 1,500 questions and it'd be like, you're talking about a lamp. I did the... Yeah, you asked me a thousand questions.

Of course it's a lamp. There was an app. What light? Does it light up your room? There was an app not too long ago though that did that. Remember that one?

That was pretty good. That was China. That was China like plugged into my brain. That was some data shit, yeah. That was like, yes, that's who I was thinking of. You asked me like

four fucking questions. How does that happen? They're listening. They know what you want. They know what you're thinking about. They know you. The algorithm knows me. All I want, apparently, is AIDS medication.

I know. God, it's nothing but fucking pharmaceuticals, bro. Dude, all I get. You get that? Is it just us? I think you guys are Googling, do I have AIDS? Bro, every fucking thing. I Googled it.

Not a lot, bro. Who amongst us, bro? Who amongst us? What does herpes look like? Fuck someone and then you get a cold? Scary. I remember being in like seventh grade and I had a friend who was paranoid about getting AIDS. He was like, can I finger a girl with a hangnail?

I was like, bro, we are 13. No one's getting AIDS right now, dude. Relax. And then he died of AIDS, so whatever. No, I get that. I have a little bit of OCD. With AIDS? Well, AIDS is part of it.

It's a small part of it. The big thing is, this is really fucked up, I have a terrible fear of touching cum that's a stranger's by accident in public. It's a good thing for you, brother. I think we all kind of have that, don't we? No, I think you would say it's on another level. It's really bad. Are we encountering a lot of cum in the wild? No, it's on it. I think you would say it's on another level. It's, it's really bad. Are we encountering a lot of cum in the wild?

No, it's just like obsessive. It's literally an obsessive thought that there's come everywhere. There's come on everything. And also like if I'm at, you know, a coffee shop and someone goes, love the pod.

And then they go back to make my coffee. I'm like, they're coming in it. Like I have this huge fear of, I won't take anything from anyone. I don't eat at potlucks cause I have, I'm scared that there's like a weird cum sexual deviant that comes in the food and watches people eat it. Like I'm terrified of accidentally eating cum. I don't know if in a past life someone forced me spoonful by spoonful of jizz.

But something happened. This is like I've never been diddled. I've never been diddled. I've been like I think maybe like it was planned. Foiled? You foiled the diddling? Yeah. Yeah.

Someone maybe thought of it, but I got away quick, you know? But I've never been diddled. This is like the sunny scene in, when they're, you watch always in Philadelphia, when they go to the ski mountain. And he's like, did you come in my burrito? That's me. No? That's me constantly. Did you come in it? So it's not like, you're not in my burrito? That's me. No. That's me constantly.

Did you come in it? So it's not like you're not scared. So that writer had OCD. I'll say that. But it's not like you're not scared of like touching a pole because maybe at some point in the past someone had come on it. You're scared of touching a puddle of cum. No, no, no. The pole too.

Like someone that came on their hands, touched the pull. Also, like just in general, like if someone that looks smelly or cummy, like shakes my hand, my hands will feel different. Like the hand, whatever I touch that I think is contaminated, it feels different than the other hand. I get that. It feels like there's like an invisible layer of paint on it. Yes. I'm looking at that. Cum. Cum. Dude, I saw's an invisible layer of paint on it. Yes. I'm looking. Come. Come.

Dude, I saw this. This is going to fucking ruin your day. I don't know. I saw yesterday. No. I was walking. Where'd they come? Show me where they came.

I was walking to the office in the morning, and someone had ordered DoorDash breakfast, which is crazy. You can't be wrong. That's another place I'm scared to get cummed in. That's probably a valid concern, to be honest. It wasn't quite cum, but he got off his bike and he blew a snot rocket.

Oh, no. You saw him look at his hand. He started going like this. Then he picked up the bag. I was like, I'm never going to order food again. It's one of those things you know it's not handled by the most hygienic people of all time. But when you see it, it's a complete game changer.

You know what's fucked up? My order goes, cum, snot, blood. Blood would be the most. Oh, no. Cum, poop, snot, blood. Poop is a really bad one for me, too. I think poop's going to take the most popular. My cum thing is so, sometimes when I'm on

stage, I'm not even a dude and I'm not cumming on my own things. When I'm on stage, I have a fear that I have cum on myself. It goes even further. I'm like, do I have cum all over my pants? I'm like, I haven't had sex at all. There's no reason, but yeah. You just have a fear that the club is going to turn on

black lights. We got her, folks! We got her! She came right in the corner of her coat that's toothpaste I have a fear you crazy girl I'm crazy you crazy no I know

it's for real I guess I'd rather it manifests like that than like you're just a crazy like girlfriend you know what I mean yeah no I don't like I'm not like walking back and forth

and like tapping light bulbs a thousand times but I am terrifully feared I have a terrible fear of poop and cum. I think you're a germaphobe. A little bit, yeah. But again, I would say most people, maybe not a fear, but it's like, do you like

strangers poop and cum? I tell you, as someone who's a germaphobe, people don't give a fuck about germs. The amount I think of how constantly they're being transferred and I watch people just casually live their lives. Yeah. So you got like a little Howie Mandel in you kind of a little bit.

It's not as bad, but like what you think, like 30 more years, you'll just be like crazy. I'm trying to get out of it. Yeah. Therapy. Yeah. What would you do? Like immersion therapy? Just come.

Yeah. I have to start touching strange. Come soon. I'm not looking forward to that part. Like a Nickelodeon slime? It's funny because I think it's gotten worse now that I'm more relaxed about not being raped. Your brain can focus on other things.

Truly. Maybe the key is start getting raped again. You know what? Then you won't worry about the poop and the cum. I think I've been worried about cum all along. Yeah. When we think about it, boys. That's really what it is.

It all boils down to cum. It's like it's not even the rape. It's just the cum. It all boils down to cum. It's so gross. What a reveal. It wasn't the physical violence. It was just the cum.

It was just the cum. It's like the ending of a movie. I'll look out of my window. I go, it was always just the cum. And then it fades to black. Incredible. Sundance.

Yeah, man. Well, you also say in your special that you wish you could date girls. But I guess is that they can't – is it that they can't prevent you from being raped? Or is it that you have to do things to a vagina? Girls are so nice and I love every relationship I have with a woman. Every close relationship I have with a woman is very deep and we tell each other we love each other. So that's where that part comes from. Women are so nice to each other.

But I say it in the special, but I can't date a girl because I feel like I'd be mean to them. Men can handle how mean I am to them, but I can't be that mean to a girl. I don't know why. You know what I mean? So you'd be like the dude in the relationship. Yeah. I also, as soon as the thought of dating a girl comes in, I become a misogynist. I talk about it in the special, but I'm like, seriously, she's got to be hot, skinny, huge tits, fucking dumb.

I'm like, where did that come from? See? Yeah. No, I know. No, you guys have the devil in you. I get it. I get it. He's not your fault.

I think Neil Brennan says that in three mics when he's talking about how if you just walked on with testosterone for 10 minutes. You would get it. It would be a nightmare. You would get it. There's articles and stories and shit of people who have transitioned being like, as soon as I got some testosterone, I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I get it now.

It's not a walk in the park. It would be fun if men and women could just switch for one day. Just one day. I think the entire world would change as we go. All the women would start raping. Oh, no. The women are raping. There's a war! Women are starting wars!

What do you think would be the biggest change? Do you think you'd probably rape? No, I think there would be like a mass... Like a meeting of the mass. I feel like it would like. I think there would be thousands of women just fucking with a mirror. That's for sure.

Fingering themselves in a room for a few hours. Then it may be a meeting of the mind. You guys would be in there, dude. You guys would be looking, grabbing. Yeah, for sure. You'd need some alone time for a few hours, I think. What, you don't think girls would be playing with their dicks? No, I would be looking for a woman to have sex with.

No, I – I want to see what that side of it feels like. Yeah. That seems awesome for you guys. It is. It's pretty cool. Much like how you said – To go in?

I was going to say getting like something inside of you. Is different than going in. I mean, that's great. Yeah. I'm sure it does feel good. But also I can see where if you're not in the mood or whatever, it's going to fly to me. It's a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anytime something else is going in, you're getting poked in the eye, something in your mouth, everything else going in is not good. One is encroaching and one is being encroached. Yeah. Okay, let's be honest. Exactly. Yeah, just put it in there is being encroached. Okay, let's be honest. Yeah, just put it in there.

It's fucking great. It's okay. It's the second best feeling of having a dick. The best feeling is spreading your legs a little bit wider than the shoulder width and then just rocking back and forth. I have that with my boobs. I like to take my hand underneath my boob and then just pop it up and down. Yeah, that seems fun. Am I doing it with both? I got those two. Damn it! I like to take my hand underneath my boob and then just pop it up and down. Yeah, that seems fun. Yeah, guess what?

I got those two. Damn it! You guys have everything we have. Oh, I can play with my titties. Thank you very much. Oh, I've done that while ding-donging my grandfather clocking my dick. It's a grandfather cock. If you walk into my house at any time between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m., that's probably just happening.

Oh, my God. I would love to have a TV show of just people doing things alone in their house. Yeah. Like a true reality. A real Truman Show. What do you really do? I saw a tweet the other day. I never even, like, I think a lot of people have seen this before, but I mean, it was

the first time I was seeing it, where they said, girls will never know about the pinch and roll. I know the pinch and roll. And like, I just had, like, in that moment, like, I had never seen it before, but immediately I was like, yeah. Like, that's exactly what it is, a pinch and roll. That's to itch your balls. Yeah.

Yeah. And I had never seen it, but it is. I obviously spend a lot of time with male comedians. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, there's nothing. I don't think you guys can pinch and roll anything in your life. Oh, well.

Can you? Yeah. We can. Yeah. No. But I do talk about how, isn't it crazy? Have you ever seen a girl scratch her vagina in front of you? Truly, think about it.

No. You know we itch just as much as you guys every time you have a ball itch a woman has a ball itch too on her pussy no that's yes we just hold it in and don't do it and just fucking feel the pain and let like tears come down until it goes away i start playing a game with my mind going it's just a feeling it. It's like being warm. And start tricking myself. I'm like, don't itch. It's like being warm. When you have an itch, you hold it? Yeah.

Jackie, got an itchy pussy? I would ask, but I think that's the only woman that works here. I walked out there and boy is it frat city. It's rolling all over. I actually am wearing a pair of pants right now that don't allow me to scratch my balls and it's a nightmare to wear them. Welcome to our world. Women's been rolling all over. I actually am wearing a pair of pants right now that don't allow me to scratch my balls and it's a nightmare to wear them.

Welcome to our world, dude. It's crazy. Women's vaginas itch. If anything, they should technically, I feel like they should itch more. It's more. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy that you guys just have a fucking hole. Yeah, dude.

That's kind of nuts. Yeah. And for the most part, it's closed up, but not really. That's why you guys fuck us. Men see a hole and they're like, we got to seal that. Cock it up. Someone's got to close that thing up. Yeah. That's dangerous. Seal that thing up, but not real. That's why you guys fuck us. Men see a hole and they're like, we got to seal that. Cock it up. Someone's got to close that thing up. Yeah, that's dangerous.

Seal that thing up, man. Cocking it. I mean, are you talking like internal, external, all of it? No, no, no, external. Yeah. Yeah, it's external. I was going to say, I just want to make sure nothing's wrong with your pussy, Kim. No, no, no, no.

No, internal's a different story. That's a whole different issue. And usually that's your guys's fault too um but yeah external it's just like if you're sitting and you have a body part just like your knee and your fucking arm itches sometimes your pussy itches and women think about it men there's a lot of men listening you don't really see women scratching their vaginas a guy itching his balls is like a thing that's been said so many times. Oh, I got to itch my balls. Oh, it's scratching his balls.

Yeah, you guys just do it. I wish we had the freedom. That's when we'll have equality. That's when the glass will finally be shattered. When the girls can scratch. Someone sitting on the Senate floor scratching their pussy. So when you're at home, you're just like. Oh, my God.

He's caught me a few times. Yeah? He's walked in and been like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I've just been holding this in for a long. It was a long train ride. But, yeah, no, it's true. I'm here to represent women and say that our vagina, we scratch our balls, too. We need, like, the scratch our balls tour or something like that.

Scratch away ladies but don't shake my hand. I don't want anyone to come on me. Please. Wash your hands after you scratch. I'm terrified of it.

It is fucking a nightmare. After shows too people love a good close hug. I don't actually mind hugging fans or meeting fans or shaking hands.

But you know what I do mind? When people get drunk, like really drunk and talk really close to your face. Yeah, yeah. I feel like they're like – And long too. I turn into like a child that's being abused in a way. I'm like this is like scary to me. Really drunk people are scary.

But you grin and bear it. Yeah, I just kind of like go like, thank you, and then run away. But I am kind of scared of really drunk people. They're weird. It's like something takes over. It is weird, too, to have when that's happening, like a really drunk person is being really close, and you're like, if I say one thing to this person,

every fan I ever had will hate me. Nine percent of your fans would be like, yeah, that was crazy. But you're scared to say something because you're like i don't want to upset everyone yeah you're gonna there's gonna be kim congan wouldn't wouldn't say hello or like push this guy away or whatever and you have to take advantage you have to yeah there's some people you just can't talk to the the most i've ever been taking advantage of being greeted someone uh played my dick like uh like a fucking uh what do you call it it was the same guy that made you jerk off it was a woman it was a woman what was this most of the times it wasn't actually i need to know what instrument you were talking about it's like a washboard

like it was just like and i just stood there to the picture her husband was in the picture too and she's like i just do this it And I was like, I guess, dude. That's assault. Yeah. That's how I got my blue check mark. Thank you, Deadline and New York Post. I don't want to talk too much about this special because everyone should go watch it. But when you're like, I could suck dick for movie roles, I'd have 64 movie roles.

Yeah, when people are like, how'd she get up there? She fucked her way to the top. I'm like, fucked my way where? Where? Fucked my way right to the middle. Yeah, dude. I must have been a horrible fuck.

Yeah, it's like, if you think about the amount of times girls are usually out there having sex for nothing. You're just finding a random guy in New York in Murray Hill who's gonna be bad in bed and you fuck him for nothing. You're just finding a random guy in New York, in Murray Hill, who's going to be bad and bad, and you fuck him for nothing.

You might as well fuck a producer. Even if a woman's fucking a producer, usually she's not like, I'm going to get a sweet role. She's like, maybe he'll love me. It's sadder than you think, actually. Right. It's worse than being like,

I can't wait to get to the starring role. It's so sad. There's no self-love in it at all, dude. There's no self-love. It's all for him. Marry him. Yeah. No, I do talk about it. I'm like, if you think I'm sucking dick, like, if I was

sucking dick to get out there, I would have put in my 10,000 hours. I would have been in there. I would have pushed the button in the office. Closing these doors. I don't want my friends To see what's happening Wait back to the washboard

Yeah please Do I not remember this No it wasn't a meet and greet Actually I was a guest bartender At a Oh okay Charity thing So she

Like ran her knuckles On your dick Yeah That's an interesting Is that a thing? It's giving drunk milf. Yeah, was she older? Yeah, there you go.

Midwest drunk milf. Nailed it. It was in New York. It was in Brooklyn maybe or a big glory side. Was it like an inside joke sort of thing? She was like, I got to do this because. Did she have blonde hair? No.

I would have guessed blonde. Brunette. Shorter. Shorter woman. Now I'm turned on, John. Rotund. Now Iette. Shorter. Shorter woman? Now I'm turned on, John. Rotund. Now I'm not turned on. One time I had a boyfriend buy me a massage through Groupon and send me to one and fully sent me to a sexual assaulter.

I think. But the guy was like Fabio looking. Like Fabio in the 90s but today. Oh, no. Like he had long hair and he like came out. It was like a SNL bit. And then I was waiting in the room and it was just a Russian lady at the front. She was like, he'll be with you soon. And then these old women kept coming out and they look like they had all just came.

Like all of them were like, thank you. And there was like this mystery voice is like, you're welcome in the back. Like it was like fucking it was fucking crazy. And the next one. Yeah, and then he came out, popped out. I saw him. I was like, oh, fuck. Like immediately, I was like, oh, I'm not going to be able to relax at all.

And he was like, I'll be right with you. And I was like, ooh. And then he did that thing where the entire time he massaged me, he talked to me. Yeah, yeah. I fucking hate that. He's asking me if it feels good, where it hurts, what kind of sports I do, how often I stretch. I'm like, is this a doctor's appointment or am I just here to fucking relax? But yeah, he didn't touch me really, but because I was really not about it.

I was kind of ignoring him, but you could tell he was fucking the other women. And I knew that room was full of cum. I was going to say, that bed you're laying on is a little slippery. I'm going to stand up for Fabio real quick. It doesn't sound like he was doing too much assaulting. No. Honestly, he sounds like a very pleasant gentleman. He was actually really nice.

He was just an annoying person to massage down. And almost annoying people. But he was like, you could tell the other women were. He was full of himself. And you could tell he gave up when he saw that I wasn't into him. He kind of tried to be like, you could tell the other women were, he was full of himself, and you could tell he gave up when he saw that I wasn't into him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of tried to be like, so. This one's not going to come, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? I kind of like that. Right. He satisfies all his customers, you know? He's like, this girl doesn't want me. And he accepted it. He could have gotten angry.

John got his belly button fingered during a massage once, and that's why he's been out on massages. I been out on massages. I was out on massages before that. I hate massages. I just don't like touch. I don't know why. Did you say something? No.

But it was one of those things where – He just disassociated and looked. Pretty much. There was one leaf out the window, and I focused on that leaf. She's just like – It was a he. One leaf out the window and I focused on that leaf. She's just like. No. It was a heat. It was.

It was. So I was in Portugal with my family and we went to this beautiful resort spa thing, whatever. And it was like on the mountainside. It took forever to get there. And we all had these massages. And then we're driving home in like this van that we had a driver. And everyone's about how great the massages was and i was like yeah the finger in the belly button was weird though right and everyone's like what the fuck are you talking about they didn't get that no one else got it

have you ever got your belly button fingered in a massage no he did he dipped he dipped his fingers in like an oil oh he lubed yeah and then he like like kind of traced around my belly button finger in a massage? No. He dipped his fingers in like an oil. Oh, he lubed them? Yeah, and then he like kind of traced around my belly button for a little bit and then he just

started going in. Bro, that's fucking insane. Dude, this is your third rape story in one pod. We've had three rapes in one pod. Yeah, I mean,

there's a reason why he is the way he is. You're a diddled young man. Yeah. I mean, there's three. Like, we might have nine by the end of this we might triple that but that one my dad was like turn around and he's like what did you just say that's insane

me and my dad had for sure the same massager like cause there were only like three masseuses on duty or whatever so like people were doubling up and like there was a bar we'd go to and so me and my dad for sure had the same guy oh and he was like what are you talking about dude just do it like around then went over and touch your father that's a crime in itself yeah your belly button should never like connect to your father in any way no no dude that that that is oddly one of the weirdest sexual things like that's oh if you ask me like on the list of what things

I don't want to happen to me someone just like rubbing my belly button it's particularly invasive too how about this it's pretty bad touching wet belly buttons with your father it's not sexual but it's one of the worst things you can do with your dad they suction they're made the same

so they suction you have to pull them out. It pops. Now you have an Audi with your dad. Now you guys have to tell people how you got your Audi. It's bad, dude. Kiss belly buttons. Did a belly bump with my dad. It got out of hand.

I was button touching with my dad. Button touching. Things got crazy. Hop out there for the Audi people of the world. I feel like that's not a thing anymore. Not for white people. What do you mean? Like we don't...

My boyfriend just nods. Well, I grew up in Florida and I have a black family and a lot of black friends and I noticed that a lot of my black friends had Audi belly buttons. I don't know... That's like when you're born, right?

They snip the umbilical cord? Yeah. They just not cut enough of it? Sounds like medical neglect to me. Racism. Systemic, God damn it. It always is. It can always trace it back to systemic, dude.

I still never learned the difference between systemic and systematic. I thought it was the same thing until you just said that. Yep. During 2020, there was a couple of breakdowns. Like, here's the difference. And I was like, oof. What is the difference? I'm just going to watch The Office if that's okay.

I'm pretty sure systemic is the smarter one. You sound smarter when you say that. So just go with that one. Okay. Well, I've been saying the other one, so that makes sense. Yeah. We had your girl Shank in here the other other day how was that she was dressed what she say cookie monster chic or something like that oh yeah she had i mean blue uh coat fur coat

glasses i'm red glasses pink uh and she did not have a grill she goes grill that would have been both got matching girls that would have been great yeah and like like a nice grill oh yeah we got nice grills what's the process for that like you go on like a like dental shit yeah we went to this guy hold on let me let me yeah i was gonna say can i get a picture yeah yeah honestly i thought you were gonna throw up throw up yeah oh that would be you had like a blank stare in your face you're moving the mic he's like honestly hang on we went to we went to this guy his name is alligator jesus and he does girls that's the guy you want doing your girl to be honest that's the name you don't want someone to be like hi i'm here to do your girls today i'm henry and he does like real deal no like like dental implant like permanent grill, we got our teeth molded, and we got gold vampire fangs.

Two pieces, two gold pieces. And this is my favorite fact. And Alligator Jesus did three grills that day. And he did me, Sarah Weinshanks, and Rihanna's. Hell yeah! That's awesome. Yeah, he's done a bunch of, he's like the grill guy. He's like the grill guy.

He's fucking sick. That's a fucking name drop. What's it run you? He gave us a little hookup for being friends, but it was, you know, it was small pieces and it was not cheap. He rubbed your belly button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's a real, you know, you get what you pay for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is talking with it? Oh, the first few hours you have a lisp, and then your tongue gets used to it somehow. Really? Is it like snaps in, like a retainer kind of? Yeah, just snaps in and out. I wish I had them.

Yeah. What are you doing not wearing your grills to your fucking media appearances? Come on. Well, I hadn't had them in a while. I didn't want to come in all lispy with a grill. I feel like I would have thrown you guys off. I would have been 51-50'd. Did you get matching

grills? We got matching grills. We wore them all through Skankfest. If I'm wearing the grills, I'm probably on mushrooms. I'll tell you that much. That's a fair... I feel like I'm in a music video and it changes who i am i also i want to rob a man when i put them in like i have to keep them out because it's like the mask

it's like i turn into like a hot cheeto it is i put it on and i'm like somebody fuck me where's the nearest white rapper when you are doing mushrooms are you doing mushrooms are you doing chocolates i have i do both i i don't like the proliferation of chocolates i'll tell you i found the company that has the chocolate yeah oh my god yeah yeah i don't know if i can say it on schedule 35 they're this company. They're fucking incredible. I do have a promo code. But besides that, they are actually really good.

Promo code KC15. But it's like they have these chocolate bars, and they're perfectly – they taste like chocolate. You can't really taste the mushrooms. They go down. They hit you quick. They're the first time that I have ever ever taken mushrooms and if i don't take enough i'm like start getting depressed where i'm like i won't i usually want less yeah yeah where i'm like i've gone too far it like makes me miss them it's actually like fucking good dude

really yeah i i think only one time i've done chocolates where i was like okay that was good i like the tea they have a tea too you put a tea bag in, put it on. It tastes like a hot tea. By the end of the cup, you're fucking in outer space. That sounds like a delight. That's fun. A hot cup of mushroom tea during the winter, that'll hit. Ooh, mama. That'll hit.

I made the mistake of New York a lot of the bodegas sell them now and shit like that. Mushrooms? Yeah. Really? Secretly, like they used to sell weed exactly yeah and uh i bought mushrooms off the guy where i usually get like my tobacco or nicotine or whatever and now like every time i go in he's just like hey you want some mushrooms and so like every day i start the day by being like i'm a pussy every day every day i start my day turning down drugs yeah yeah you should say i'm sober now and then just come back and relapse when you want to.

So he gets off your ass about it. That would do. He's like, dude, no one counts. You can be sober and be on mushrooms. No one counts that anymore. That's true. That's true. Sobriety just means what you want it to mean now.

It really does. Who were we just talking about that yesterday? Yesterday? Yeah. Yesterday? Yeah. Oh, Jackie's boyfriend or date who was like, as long as I'm not on opioids, I'm sober. He was drinking in the middle of the date being like, I'm sober. Whatever helps people, man. Whatever you got to call to get through the day, man.

Whatever you got to do to get through. We're all just trying to get through the day, brother. I think it's Tom Segura that has that bit where he's like, I'm not suicidal, but how many days are there? Please, whatever you got to do. That's really like, who came up with this? Whether you believe in science or religion or whatever, this life cycle is pretty ridiculous. What do you mean?

It's pretty fucking long. Yeah, well. Like 80-something years? People live in 100 years with the last like 30, 20 being terrible that does not seem like a very good

life system yeah and you gotta you gotta go to school and then work and then and they really fucked it up back then they really fucked it up

we just had a world where you didn't have to do any of this and then somebody started all this shit yeah the ultimate like you know teacher

like you forgot to assign homework. I always think of, God, was it, I think it's Ants. You remember that movie Ants? Yeah, sure. In the beginning where they're just separating

the ants from the workers, the rest of them. I'm like, fuck, dude. When they chose, I'm like, I wish I would have been a fucking Rothschild. You know what I mean?

Right. I went the wrong way. Imagine just getting that imagine living a life where you're just extremely rich from the day you're born till the day you die no work you just hang out

I actually yeah I was gonna say those people do end up usually killing themselves but you know how like you know people are like life goes fast or whatever I think it makes their life longer it's like if you're hanging out all day it must go so slow But you know how people are like, life goes fast or whatever. I think it makes their life longer. It's like if you're hanging out all day, it must go so slow. So slow. That's where you probably eventually get like – I wake up.

I'm stressed. I have anxiety. First of all, I wake up with anxiety from the dream I had the night before already. Immediately. I already worked a full eight hours in my dream. Right, right. I'm going to sleep. I'm fucking a cashier suddenly and I can't get to checkout fast.

I'm sweating. I'm like forgetting ranch at a table. I wake up. I've had a full day. That's why that sucks dude. That sucks. They've got us so trained to work that we do it in our sleep. And you know what? I'm convinced

I'm actually clocking in in the astro realm and they're taking taxes there. I swear to God. They figured out how to get in my head and get me to work there in the matrix paying those matrix taxes too then you got to go through a full i mean by the time i you know obviously we all have very stupid jobs there are people that are doing real things and fucking breaking their backs and living paycheck to paycheck and having there used to be five-year-olds coal mining you know what i mean

we're podcasting right but truly at the end of the day when i wake up i'm done posting on social media as a fuck oh it's a nightmare it's a whole thing you gotta download your jobs hard have you ever tweeted before brother let me tell you the let me tell you the process of posting a tiktok download the tiktok putting it into a website that removes the watermark, to download it to my phone, to upload it to Instagram, to put a thumbnail on there and use the title. It takes at least seven minutes of just – It's a nightmare. And then you post it and you forget something. You forget the memory.

You forget the caption. You have to delete it. You have to do the thing. And then the algorithm is like, never mind. It doesn't work. Fuck you. 12 likes. For nothing. 12 likes. For fucking nothing. 12 likes and then someone calls you thing. And then the algorithm is like, never mind. It doesn't work. Fuck you. 12 likes. For nothing.

12 likes. For fucking nothing. 12 likes. And then you go back into your anxiety. And you're like, this sucks, dude. This sucks. All for nothing. That's my life.

Fuck the five-year-old coal miner. And that's how you start your day. You're just frustrated, uploading. And then you go to work. And the day's gone in the blink of an eye. It's like you have a meeting. I have a show. I'm done. I get back home. And it's gone it's the day's gone in the blink of an eye it's like you have a meeting you have i have a show i'm done i get back home and it's gone the whole day's gone and i'm like i think that was fun i kind of have like this weird blur where you're like a little like

i think i'm fulfilled yeah i think i'm happy no i keep having these moments where i'm sober and i'll go uh like i feel like I'm tripping on mushrooms right now. I don't remember who said it the other day. They were like, I think you're just happy. Happiness. I was like, oh, yeah. I think that's the same feeling. It's just called like your brain putting out – yeah, like the chemicals that make you happy.

I was going to say you – I feel like you hit like a good kind of like a tipping point in recent years, right? I feel like you're doing well and like you're good. Sure. Yeah? I mean mean what is doing well i don't know you tell me i you know maybe i'm not as passionate as other people but i do love stand-up i love making people laugh i love comedy i am so excited for the day that i can collect a fat fucking check and just disappear. I love doing stand-up, but every time I'm doing stand-up, I'm working really hard to go to a beach somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a means to an end, not like... Yeah, but then when I'm at the beach for five days, I'm like, boy, would I love some mushrooms and to make people laugh. So maybe I am happy. I was going to say, that seems like a good enough cycle. If you can pop your mushrooms and make people laugh and make enough money to go to the beach where you then...

It's fucked up because being happy is almost depressing. When you get to happy, you're like, this is it. Yeah. That's true, too. Don't hype up that happiness shit, people, because once you get it, you're going to go... You are happy, but you're like, at the end of it, it's like finishing YouTube. It's like, that was awesome. I saw all the videos.

I can quote so much fun stuff now. Where's the rest? I said that to my therapist once. I was like, what if I'm just happy and my idea of happiness has been fucked up by movies and TV? I think that's what it is. She just went, woof.

A woof from a therapist? That's your fourth rape of the pod. That's your fourth rape of the pod. That's your fourth rape of the pod. You got two more sad things before I'm out of here. I can't hear another. That might have been worse than the washboard diddle. A woof from a therapist? That would have sent me off the edge.

Oh, dude, she gives me a lot of woofs. Dude, one time I was crying to my therapist saying that I thought I'd never meet someone and I thought I was going to die alone and I swear to God,

he went, maybe you will. I was like, oh, it fucked me up for weeks. Yeah. I was like, maybe I will.

I kept saying it when I was walking. Yeah, I will. During the day. God damn. Me and Sarah Weinstein, when we were single, we used to play this really funny game.

Because if you're on dating apps, like when you're a woman, what they do, the dating apps are fucked up. They're also mind games, I'll tell you. They tease you with hot people in the beginning of the app. You start the app and it gives you like 18 freshies. But I think they're like AI, dude, because you don't match with any of them. They don't want you and it makes you sad and you're like, oh, yeah, well, someone will. Then you pay the $20.99 to see more locals. But it's like the apps will fucking – they fuck with your head, dude.

If you're on the apps, it's not you. Me and Sarah used to play this game where we'd scroll the apps and it would be like 80,000 hideous dogs and just voice notes. Dude's just like... I mean, having revelations that I heard in kindergarten where they're like, sometimes you just, it's a voice note and you click

and it's like, sometimes you just gotta be nice. What? What's going on? Did I just pull a woman out of his basement? What's happening? Sometimes you just gotta be. It's really bad, dude.

The voice notes, I mean, I wanted to do a whole podcast on just voice notes on Hinge. That would be good, by the way. The app should be called Unhinged. It's bad, dude. It is sick. But yeah, you know, me and Sarah would scroll through the apps and we'd find a hot guy and we'd go, ah, at the same time. And then we'd swipe and not match. And we'd go, he don't want me.

It was like this really fun, sad game we'd play together to see how many hot guys. Because there's only three of them. So obviously they're hot matching with every girl. There's three hot guys on an app. He don't want me. He don't want me. We both got boyfriends recently and we also say this other thing to us when we're

single and feeling sad. If one of us was sad about being single and we brought it up like, man, I just hate being single. The other one would go, that'll do, pig. And the other day we both started dating. We've been friends for 11 years.

We've never had a boyfriend at the same time. It's always been one at a time, which sucks with your friends. Yeah, totally. You're always the third wheel. Someone's always the third wheel and feeling bad. For the first time in our lives, we both have boyfriends. They're both these hot dudes from Texas. They meet for the first time.

We're at the comedy store at Sacred Ground. We're getting high. Sarah's in her fur. I'm in my coat. Life is good. We just sold out a show life is good she looks at me and she goes that'll do beautiful ending let's end on that note that is a beautiful thing right there i love it all right thank you guys so much for having me so specials out on youtube now That'll do, pig. That'll do, pig.

I love it. Thank you guys so much for having me on. So special's out on YouTube now. Please, please, please, if you guys do anything, just check out or share or comment on my special. It won't come up if you put childless MILF. I think YouTube's blocked MILF. Oh, that sucks. Or it's like weird women breastfeeding.

That's not me. Yes, we'll see how the special does. Just put Kim Congdon on YouTube. Click on the special. Refresh it a couple times. Just help me out. I'm really excited. It's doing really well.

And thank you for the support. And thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much. Anytime. Yep. Thank you.