KFC Radio - The PC Police, 10% Faster, and Gary Owen

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Everyone in comedy wants to be anti-PC so now we are anti-anti-PC. The 10% faster hypothetical. Why did Joe Keery cut his hair? Voicemail: Acne or Mosquito bites, Pats vs the Pro Bowl, and Awake for 3 Days. Gary Owen stops by to talk about his relationship with Kevin Hart and declares comedy "Un-cancelable"You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by your dick. That's right. This episode is brought to you by your own dick. Because Roman is bringing you your dick now. See, Roman is responsible for your dick. Roman provides you with the dick.

Your dick then provides us with this show. Okay? That's how it's going down. Because Roman, not only will they make your dick hard, they'll make it a super dick. They'll turn it into a superhero dick. We do hypotheticals here all the time. What superpower would you want to have? Well, if you were a dick, what would your superpower be?

Would you want it to be bigger and strong and girthy? No, hardness. Hardness? Or would you want it to last forever? Hardness. You ever be kind of having some private time and be like, God damn, I'm hard for me today. Yeah.

When it's pointing upwards instead of outwards. Here's how I know when I'm hard. My baby, I am into me right now. Sexy, can I? If my dick is at am into me right now. Sexy can I. If my dick is at, let's call it... This fucking show, man. If my dick's at like 10 o'clock, let's call it like that's normal. Your dick doesn't go out like 9 o'clock.

I'm a pretty straight straight. You go straight? Yeah, straight O'Gennaro. You're like, come on, right? You're not straight out. I mean, look, it's angled, but it's not like... I've seen the guys in the porns with, like, the touching belly buttons. No.

Well, so that's what I was going to say. I'm trying to show on gold. It's not the size of this water bottle, but it's roughly the same angle. So you're like 9.30. I don't know how to read clocks. Yeah, what are you talking about? What do you mean, what am I talking about? I'm trying to picture 9.30 in my head.

At 9.30, you know, if you were straight 9 o'clock, your dick would be straight out like nine o'clock 9 30 you'd be like halfway in between like 10 you're 10 o'clock yeah okay so that's what i was gonna say so i i would say i'm normally like uh 10 30 then and then on special nights i'm like quarter to 12 you know i'm like i'm pushing midnight it's like two two seconds to midnight or whatever that shit is i'm like yeah i'm like touching belly. And that's when I know it's looking at me. I'm like, don't look at me. I'm like a dog. Don't look at me while I'm taking a shit.

Don't look at me while I'm beating you up. Down! Down! So I'm saying if you were a dick and you could pick between two superpowers, your two things would be size and hardness and lasting as long as you can. Yeah.

Roman does both. Yes, it does. They get you the dick pills. They get you hard. They got the swipes that'll make you last forever. And not just when you use the swipes. The swipes help you in the moment. But the more you use the swipes, you train your dick.

So it's not even superpowers. It's actually just you. It's almost like these swipes are training wheels. You know? These swipes are training wheels. You know? These swipes are Miyagi-ing your dick. You wax on, you wax off, you're painting the fence. What's the other one? Is there another one?

Paint the fence. Sand the floor. Wax on, sand the floor. And then all of a sudden... All kind of the same motion, if we're being honest. No, no, no, no, no. Waxing, sanding, fencing. Well, the waxing stops, like, the punch.

And the painting the fence stops the kick. And then I don't know what the bottom one is. I think it's another kick. Another kick? Yeah, like a roundhouse kick, an up and down kick. And they didn't teach anybody how to stop a crane kick, apparently. Just ran his face right into that crane kick. Johnny Lawrence could have used one of those.

Highly illegal. Super illegal. You're not allowed to kick anybody in the face. Just lose instantly. And he just fucking, fucking wow right to the fucking schnoz but that kid really just runs his head right into that foot that's a great stuntman yeah i mean it really looks like that guy just got kicked yeah you know um shot we're using um boy we are off the rails so uh it's like the training wheels you think that you need the swipes

but all of a sudden one day you're gonna be like like, oh, shoot, I forgot my swipes. I'm never going to last that long. Guess what? You are because your dick learns. It's not a superhero. It's a normal person with a brain who's functioning and learning and getting better, and your dick's going to last longer. Also, they'll help you grow hair on your head. They got it all.

Roman's got it all. Anything you need to make your dick stronger, better, and your life better. Go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. G-E-T-R-O-M-A-N dot com slash KFC. That's a motherfucking ad. I was going to say, it's about a 10-minute ad read. So, Roman. You owe us. We'll invoice you. Don't, we're not going to, like, just Venmo us.

Don't go through sales. Right, right. Venmo us a little side action. Or send me, like, an unlimited supply of wipes. I don't know. Yeah, that went off the rails. We're going to go off the rails Wednesday night We got ourselves a live show That's all our live show is

If you take the moments of our off the rails-ness And just put them back to back to back for an hour That's our live show So all the moments when people are like Wow man that was a great episode It was just you and John You guys were going crazy That's all the live show is for

about 90 straight minutes. Sponsored by New Amsterdam. So much so that sometimes it's like, alright, we got it. We really got a real mission. There are at least one moment per live show. Three straight now.

This is the third or the fourth? This is the third. So two in a row where i get absolutely mortified and embarrassed and it's like usually just when i start to get my sweating under control and then i'm like it's like usually the fourth sexual question in a row like one's funny two is like wow these guys are nuts three is like boy these dudes push the fucking envelope four is like we don't need to talk about titty fucking my mom. I was going to say, it's not a sex question. No, they're aggressive.

They're incest questions. They're incest questions. It's funny, though, because we prepare. It's not like those are surprised. We don't prepare those. And we always are like. We don't see those. No, I do.

I do. I see those. I prepare them. They're funny. I could do those all day long. It doesn't affect me anymore. I forget that I'm sitting before 300 normal people. So I'll talk about titty fucking your mom. I'll talk about blowing your dad. I'll talk about all day long. It doesn't affect me anymore. I forget that I'm sitting before 300 normal people. So I'll talk about titty fucking your mom.

I'll talk about blowing your dad. I'll talk about punching your grandma. I'll talk about fucking your cousin. I'll do that all day long. But when the audience lets out a groan, there's different things in comedy. There's the groan, like, oh, shit, I can't believe they're doing that. And like, oh, I don't need to hear this right now. That's like the I regret buying tickets for this one moment. I'm like, oh, man, I don't need to hear this right now that's like the i regret buying tickets for

this one moment i'm like oh man i don't want to i like to have a one let's have a quota like once per show i want people to be like i'm never coming again that's that's and we'll reel you back in with the rest of it but i forget that like we are it's tough because in general i like to remain common man i like to be regular guys. And we're not regular for a multitude of reasons now. But the main one is that we are completely, you know, warped. Yeah, I would describe it as like we're a landfill in Beer Fest. Where it's like you've been surrounded by fucked up in this for 10 years and

the only way to survive was to drink it all yep so so i emptied the vat and it's all in me now gulping it down yep and yeah and you know you forget that there's girlfriends of guys there who don't really know what's going on at all. And they hear that shit and they're like, what the fuck? But my favorite part of shows is the after party afterwards when I actually usually go seek out those girls. And I'm like, what'd you think? And at least the last

two, they're always like, we're coming back. One came back, yeah. So if I can take a girlfriend who does not know what's going on and convince her to come back and spend money again, mission accomplished. And or we found another member of the cult who's fucked up. But that's the goal. So Wednesday night, sponsored by New Amsterdam, our first sponsor, which is a very cool moment.

They're giving out very cool special edition T-shirts. Yeah, very cool special edition T-shirts. I think everyone's going to get a free drink. The T-shirts. Yeah, very cool special edition T-shirts. I think everyone's going to get a free drink. The T-shirts are super fire. Yeah. Like, you know, you catch like a T-shirt at the baseball game, and it's got like Citibank sponsored all over it and like stupid shit like that. These are like subtle, low-key, very fire T-shirts that you would probably pay money for.

Everyone's going to get one of those for free. We're going to have a very cool step and repeat. We're going to bring the Kix cam. So wear your best sneakers or high heels. Everyone can participate and answer the internet. They can participate in the Kix cam, take pictures in front of the moon man the way all your favorite celebrities do, Q&A during the show, yell out. We're going to do an episode of The Audience, which is The Office, but with The Audience. It's your show.

It's your show come to life. So check it out. Go to carolines.com. I believe like very limited number of tickets are left, but I believe, uh, if you get it in right now, you'll be able to come. Um, so yeah, I mean that's, that's, and then we got to be on, on stage again. I'm already planning out my outfit cause I'm fat again. I let my, my, myself go. So I got to pick which black t-shirt i'm gonna wear basically what are we gonna be on stage again for oh you mean this show yeah oh i thought you said i thought we were moving on no in addition to no i just like you know it's uh it's you know i'm a

fat person so you gotta let myself go again huh let myself go again yeah was there a moment between now and last show when you were like happy Yeah, because I did lose like 20 pounds. I feel like this is going to sound mean, but it's not. It's a mean complimentary. I can't tell the difference. Well, I definitely have body dysmorphia. Yeah. So I see it.

You've looked the same for like five years. Yeah. I mean, well, that's the thing is yes to you and to the general public, but to yourself, you know, I noticed if like a hair is out of place, I noticed my tits are out of place, my love panel, but it's not the other thing. Like you see it all on yourself. So I can assure you that I have looked different, but I understand that it's like, I'm going from like, I'm, I'm varying from like a two out of 10 to like a two and a half. Like, what's the fucking difference?

But I did lose a lot of weight. And then I'm just like steadily putting it back on. So now I'm like at my fattest again, which is, well, you know, if you're watching on gold, go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC. You can see me looking like, uh, probably like normal, but to me, don't, but just know as you watch me on gold on the inside, I'm just like, you're fat, you're fat, you're gross, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're gross, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're gross, you're gross, you're fat, you're fat. Everyone should be like that. You know what I think is different and interesting, at least, is we, you know, for the longest time we've been on camera, forever, but it started out on Skype, which was like, you know, your neck to your head.

And then even like the rundown became like sitting in a chair. It's very, and I guess we're sitting down for a lot of the show. But when I see myself standing up on camera, I looked at the Josh Wolf footage, and it's like, you don't really see full body shots of us much. Maybe walking around the office here and there. But it's kind of new that it's just your whole fucking shit. Yeah, I got a weird body.

I mean, your body's way more normal than mine. Mine's lumpy and weird. You're kind of like a rectangle. You're kind of shaped like this bottle. You have a big barrel chest and a slight incline, whatever. But for the most part, just... I'll take a little V. Yeah, you got...

I mean, again, slight. We're looking at the same bottle, right? It's pretty much a rectangle. It's very slight. I'm looking at out over here when you see this oh no no that's not what we're talking about i'm talking about the fucking front uh but yeah so come see us on stage look fat come watch us on barcelo gold barcelo gold.com slash kfc uh it is interesting though being in the we've been doing the stand-up comedian guests for a while and now even just being on stage

being at Caroline's I'm watching a lot more of it the Chris DiStefano 9-11 story you gotta go watch it go to Chris D's Chris D Comedy I believe it is his Twitter he's got tweets up about it

Chris DiStefano he's a Brooklyn guy we've had him on the show many times one of the funniest his answer to the internet probably launched answer to the internet really it was the first one that really popped he's a Brooklyn guy. We've had him on the show many times. One of the funniest. His Answer the Internet probably launched Answer the Internet, really. It was the first one that really popped. He has a story about 9-11.

He got expelled from school on 9-11. And it's very, very fucking funny. Like the 9-11? Yes. Yeah, yeah. 2001. Yeah, yeah. 2001.

His mom worked in two worlds. One world? One of the towers. Tower 2. And so, you know, it was a very intense moment for him. And she lived. But it's a very funny story. And he's drunk as he's telling it.

And we know Chris, and we've heard some of his act before. So we see some of the same things and know some of the jokes and to see him telling it in this 9-11 story is very fucking funny so you know i'm paying i'm paying a lot more attention to stuff like that and it's interesting when you start to get into the stand-up comedy world as by no means like appear but it is like we're not just watching as fans you know and I kind of am. No, no. But I'm watching it as – I'm certainly – I'm not like – I do that too.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's an interesting way he did that. Maybe we can incorporate some of that into our show. Okay, I get that. That kind of shit. And so you're starting to kind of watch it more like learning and shit. And I just – the overwhelming thing I'm noticing right now and it really hit me uh we had schultz on the show last you know whatever a couple weeks ago and then i watched the new bill burr special which is very funny he's the king of this shit these guys are all supremely talented

way more funny than we are and all that shit but i i can't believe that the funniest guys in this industry and the titans of this world are still so hung up on being the anti-pc guys and i don't know what that i don't know why you know not again not to say that we do what they do but we are we are putting out our own funny content and maybe it's just that we've been doing it um at least this anti-PC thing. I want to say I'm not anti-PC. Yeah. And I don't think – like you just make jokes. Right.

It doesn't make sense. I don't go out and I'm like, I am not going to be PC today. That's the difference. I think – If I say something that makes – If you ask me, am I anti-politically correctness? I probably am. Like I don't believe in you know you can't say this or don't say that or that's off limits or that's not funny so i guess in the sense yes i'm

see no i think i think he's like true pc being politically correct just means don't be an asshole yeah be normal so like normal but i don't think if you're making a joke i don't think you're being a dickhead so i so that's why you know but like that's what politically correct should mean politically correct is taken on this like perception is reality type of thing the actual definition yes what it has come to mean i guess if you had to if i had to pick i would be anti-pc you know what i mean like if you had to pick one extremely other meaning that like i think you can say what you want and joke about what you want and you know uh i think you can if you want. But, like, again, you're – like, it's something like don't call this group of people this word because they don't like it.

Okay. Like, if you don't like that, I won't do it. Like, when the people are like – like, remember when South Park had that episode? Like, we're drawing Muhammad. And Muslims were like, can you not? And they were like, no, we're drawing Muhammad. I've never drawn Muhammad because I don't give a shit. You don't want me to do it?

Fine. But if I were to make a joke, I don't know. We saw that like Dina Hashem with the XXXTentacion. That wasn't really politically correct. That was just crazed fans. I guess just in general, I think comedians and people trying to be funny can make jokes about things. And I think politically correct has come to mean like you can't even do that. If we're talking about the extremes of the definitions and the words, I guess I would be anti-PC.

I think it's because – and I think there was probably a time where I was. I think there was a time like 10 years ago now when I started and certainly when Dave had been doing it prior. Like pussification of America was like a barstool thing for a long time and i think at that point that really was like leading the charge or beating the drum almost like doing it not on purpose but like kind of making a point or pointing it out when it's happening and i think we've just been doing it so long either intentionally or unintentionally it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't even register to me anymore right i think some of these comedians almost all of these comedians every act is like you're gonna say dave chappelle was doing it too

like he's the funniest fucking guy in the world but he's hung up on this like uh you know you're probably gonna cancel me or i'm never gonna you know i'm never gonna get work again or this is my last paycheck all i watched i watched chappelle bilber and joe rogan this weekend uh rogan i'd never watched a stand-up before. He was really fucking funny. Yeah. You heard it here first. The name of it was like...

But he's pretty like, you know, yeah, anti-PC. No, I think the name of the fucking special was Triggered.

And it's like, all right. Yeah. That's why I never watched it because I saw it and rolled my eyes. Even like, they're joking about

the Triggered people and they're saying, you know, you're Triggered and you're Snowflakes and all that shit. It's just like, even if I kind of agree people and they're saying, you know, you're triggered and you're snowflakes and all that shit. It's just like even if I kind of agree with what you're saying or yes, if we were to break it down into two different camps, I'd probably be on your side, not their side. But I just can't believe we're still like harping on this.

It's just go out there and crack some jokes. And some people are going to like it and some people aren't. It's been that way forever. Maybe it's a little heightened. It's certainly you're exposed to a lot more of it because of social media and shit but it's always been that way some people laugh at jokes some people are uptight about jokes that's been happening since day fucking one of like joke telling it's it's like the uh i think dave was on fox news recently it was like it's comedy i think it's about chapelle and it was like yeah it's comedy dying or whatever people who say that are so dumb it's just i've been thriving you're just like

you're doing almost the same thing where it's like the overly complicate yeah over the top complaining comedy you used to get arrested who is it lenny bruce lenny bruce used to get arrested for swearing and we're okay yeah but it's're okay. Some random people on Twitter will get mad at you a little bit for a day, and then they'll forget about it. It is not dying. Netflix paid Chappelle like $60 million for three shows. It's thriving. Schultz, Andrew Schultz, you open up your Patreon, you have like 30,000 people just giving you money for free because you're funny. People are watching and laughing.

Between YouTube and Twitter, it's never been easier. Or humor has never been more accessible. I don't think comedy is changing a little bit. You have to go down to the club and watch the only joke tellers in town. Now, it may not be good. It may not be quality. But you can find comedy in fucking spades all over the goddamn place.

I think on this episode, Gary Owen says, you can't cancel us. Yeah, I thought that was kind of like a refreshing way to be about it. Like, say, okay, keep coming for us. It's fine. It's never going to happen. Gary Owen's on the show.

Very funny guy. Met Kevin Hart like 20 years ago. It's got the guy who kind of put him onto this industry. Big on Comic View, BET, the whole nine. And he, actually, actually it's a great bit i don't want to spoil it but he's just like if you ever heard a comedian apologize we're lying you know we're not really sorry and you can try to cancel us but you can't people have been trying to cancel forever the only thing i would say is that i i think if you're genuinely hateful but if like that's like what i started saying like you're just joking i don't think you're being a dickhead and i think most people understand that yeah and if like you can

tell like a common active you're like oh this is like this really bothers him this is this is like a genuine genuine deep emotion here right like and if you're on stage like doing something like that yeah you're probably i mean you're not really performing a comedy act you're performing at a hate rally well but like there's also people like like i think anthony jeselnik is a good example where he is a shock value guy and i'm sure he i'm sure personally i don't know we never met him i don't know how that's possible i can't believe he hasn't been in here yet i think we didn't were we supposed to interview him like like this winter i think he was on a list i'm not i'm not like it just worked out come on bye but but i bet you know he seems um like a normal person like i don't think he wants to, like, kill dead babies.

You know what I mean? He has dead baby jokes because he's like, that's my shit. And that's what I find funny. But someone like that is like, he's trying to do that on purpose. That's a little more shock value. You know, the way you just said that was interesting. It was making me think of, like, I imagine, let's say in my head, the people who get really mad about stuff are the people who are like, don't slut shame. Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is fine.

Appreciate your kink. It's okay. Yeah, no kink shame. My kink is dead baby jokes. Yeah. Which is weird. Don't kink shame me. It's kind of true, though.

You know what gets me off? Standing on stage and joking about killing babies. Which it's not exactly. Well, it kind of is. We do a lot of weird ATI shit. I don't get why that's not understood. You don't find it intriguing that a person can stand on stage with a microphone and just using his words can evoke like a feeling from the audience of like oh my fucking god i find that very interesting you might not find it funny uh you might you might you know

maybe you you lost a baby and you find it horrifically offensive but there's something wildly intriguing to me about like you know we're gonna pay money and go listen to this guy and just from the scenarios he can come up with in his head and the punch lines he can deliver he can move an audience of hundreds and maybe thousands of people to be like whoa holy shit to me that's like writing a song or painting a picture or whatever it's like it might not be your thing but that's what they're going for and and so the people who can't understand that i can't stand them but the people who won't shut the fuck up about the people who can't understand that are just as annoying.

It's like atheists. It's like the atheists become the religious zealots by jamming the atheism down your throat. It's like you guys are supposed to be the cool ones who just are like whatever. And you're actually more annoying than the people who we found annoying. I've left the religion of atheism. I'm agnostic now. I've changed. I'm on my third religion in this life.

What I really can't believe When you get up in the morning We've been doing this 10 years In front of a microphone almost all times Are you ever in the morning Like I gotta be careful today We're always being recorded A harm's in the time

And never am I like We gotta be like, we're always being recorded. A harm's been a time there. And it never am I like, okay, we gotta be like, we're going to say real because we're not like, but it's like, it reminds me of when, um, the, uh, when all the me too stuff was like really heavy. And my mom was like, it's like, you know, we were taking a genuine discussion. It's like, it's gotta be like a little nerve wracking to be a guy right now. It's like, not at all. No, not even a little bit.

I'm not sexually assault anybody. I don't rape anybody there. I don't wake up in the morning saying i gotta go to work today and not rape people yeah i just i go to work i just do my thing the guys who are like not get to not like get canceled just go to work and be you don't be a shithead when the guys are like i can't even like compliment the woman anymore i'm like you that you're probably creeping them out yeah and you probably were prior to me too and you're probably gonna after me too like yeah i mean i guess the day that i walk up to a girl at the bar and i'm like hey like what's up i saw you from across the bar like you look pretty you want to talk and if she was like get this rapist out of

here then maybe i'd be like whoa holy shit i can't even but that doesn't happen yet that's not really anything that's happened to anybody so i find it's still pretty easy to make jokes at work to talk to men or women in public to uh like hook up with people and not catch a rape or a verbal assault case. Living is so easy. It's just not a bag of shit. It's really easy. Just be normal. I've been saying it for years.

If you're just normal, you're fucking good. And that's where I do think that maybe – and you look at the guys we mentioned, Rogan, Chappelle, and Bill Burr. They're kind of not normal. Their lives for fucking 30 years now has been like joke-telling and punchlines and humor and what you can and can't say and how to say it and all that shit. Whereas we are just like our jokes or our act or whatever is just like we're talking about our lives you know so i don't know it doesn't censorship and yes i can say this no i can't say that doesn't affect me when it's like you know those guys sit down and write a bunch of jokes and if someone's going to try to stop that from happening they're like in trouble whereas me i

tell a story about like the girl in the elevator who wanted to fuck me. That's just a story that fucking happened. And so I'm not worried about anything changing or the culture or the landscape or what we can and can't do because we're just kind of fucking shooting the shit. and guys who are on stage and doing comedy but not stand-up comedians, I think we're all like, I don't know, man. This shit's not that crazy. It's because our lives aren't staked into what you can and can't say, what you write, and how you do it. It's just like, yeah, I don't know, man. We shoot the shit, and people kind of find it funny. We're successful because we can bust balls and converse not like tell a punch line and weave a story if someone was

fucking with the way i weave a story i'd be like yo this is fucked up but we are we're not stand-up comedians we just happen to be maybe on stage or in front of a camera we're just kind of like and then it comes down to yeah you know me especially me personally i'm speaking for myself i would love to be able to tell some more of of the racial jokes and shit that we used to do. And I'm just like, that really upsets people now. So I'm just not going to do it as much anymore. And you want to call it censorship or I'm going soft or whatever. It's just like, fine.

But okay, sure. You can say that too. But I'm just in the business of like, when I put a podcast out, I want people to laugh and not have it be a huge deal i don't do you think in like the 60s do you think people are like can't say the n-word anymore we're fucking soft you're a little pussy right well probably probably i know some folks who really wanted to know i'm sure they were yeah which is like it's crazy yeah right it's like no we're. We're taking that word. We're keeping that word. Yeah. Oh, PC cultures run amok. I mean, did you see they're trying to take the word guys away?

You can't refer to a group of people as guys. I did see a woman saying. Because it disempowers women. Yeah, yeah. That's where, like, that shit is stupid. But also, if you asked me my opinion on that, I'd be like, you're retarded. But I'm not going to, like, make my stand up about it or, like, harp upon it because it doesn't surprise me anymore. It's like, yes, of course. I didn't see that, but I'm surprised it took this long.

But they're not doing that. Like, no one is doing that. It's just the royal day. Yeah. It's, like, many people. It's up in the sky. It's the registry in the sky. It's just the the royal day yeah like it's like many people in the sky it's the registry in the sky it's just like someone made a twitter video i i guarantee you if you like what's if you say what's up guys to a group of people for the rest of your life nobody will react no one will react no not one single person will be like actually not even the person

who made that video yeah like that girl was absolutely just reading off a teleprompter and did not believe a single word that she was saying buzzfeed or some shit and they're like we need a video to go viral like you're working with like the feminism unit over there like for the rest of your life no one will get offended when you like it's just what won't happen as well we did i think last episode was like the internet's real life there are certain sects of it that are not real life and people getting offended that easily does not happen in real life i promise you now no one's like actually we we refuse to acknowledge you until you call us whatever it is they don't want the they want a group of people to be called we're like humans what's up humans how are you i'll start calling it a murder what murder is it like it's like a murder group of

crows is a murder of crows what's that murder of humans look at this murder i was hanging out with a murder yeah and you know and then the like the those feminists will say like but you don't understand that it's like subtly subconsciously reinforcing marginalizing okay fine with that too i don't know maybe it is maybe it isn't i'm probably gonna keep saying it you don't have to i it is, maybe it isn't. I'm probably going to keep saying it. You don't have to. I just can't be bothered anymore. And I don't think it's soft or weird to just be like, I'm going to keep saying guys. But certain things I'm willing to concede because the fucking world changes. Like you kind of just said, it's like, yeah, you're not soft for not ripping off vile racial slurs anymore.

I think this is a little more, a lot more soft or a little bit nitpicky or unnecessary, but I don't know. I'm evolving, and my career is staying the same. It's one of the things where we're still growing. We're seeing the same level of success. I keep it pretty old school, but I'm also willing to adapt a little bit, and we're fine. I don't come in every day being like, I can't do this podcast anymore because of these fucking people. The way that I feel like some of these comedians are appalled and shocked and confused and don't understand it,

and they think they're leading some fucking revolution when it's just like, this shit has been going on forever. Some people like it. Some people don't. Some people change. Some people don't. Jokes keep being told. keep laughing some people keep defending the money keeps the check keeps clearing that's it it's like the one profession too where like the inability to adapt is like something you promote like like in hockey hockey like fighting

disappeared if like you just went out there and like all you could do was fight people like dude you gotta learn to score goals yeah this is the way it is now yeah so like yeah and i think barstow's always been good at that when blogs were hot we were like we were bloggers yeah and it's like podcasts got big social media got big videos got big so yeah you can do all that you change a little bit you're changing style you also can change your content snapchat shows i think i do a 12 second show now a 12 second show sometimes i'll tell a good joke they're like sorry ran a little long i'm like i didn't even take a breath i didn't take a breath during that joke what do you mean it ran long if you can change that you gotta fucking adapt to it yep and and it's it's like then if you

can't i don't know if you're as funny as like you thought you were now again the guys we're talking about are funny no matter what right but yeah no no like they're talking about like just like strangers on twitter right if you can't make people laugh because you need to be able to drop a slur or you know tell a woman to make a sandwich or some of these like old cliches like i don't think you're that funny to begin with man adapt man grow up a little bit now let's talk about so offensive all the time let's talk about saying the N-word. We got a racial hypothetical for you. This segment is brought to you by DL1961. I'm wearing my jeans.

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I got a bunch of pairs now from sponsors and things that I buy, and I still just wear one pair. Yeah. Then make this your one pair. Yeah, it is. I mean, go get yourself some DL-1961 and make them your one pair. Yeah, it is. I mean, go get yourself some DL1961 and make them your one pair. I got like several pairs, and I just don't know why I either spend money or ask for them with sponsors or whatever because I know I'm going to wear a pair. Go to DL1961.

Use the promo code KFC20 for 20% off all men's products. So Answer the Internet is cooking. Actually, we're on a little hiatus right now. Season 1, 60 episodes in the books. So we're pausing while we stack up some more. We'll be debuting Season 2 soon enough. But it's – Go follow YouTube.

I believe there will be highlight reels and stuff. Yeah, we've got a lot of good compilation clips coming up with your favorite celebrities all answering the same questions or certain compilations of different types of episodes so there'll still be ati um content coming out because it's really uh it's i like to see it happen because the i would say the the one knock that a lot of like kc radio haters would would have are like that the hypotheticals are silly or stupid or they make fun of us like it's simpleton shit or too extreme or shock value, whatever it is. And it's like, man, the proof. To be honest, I didn't know any of this. Oh, yeah.

That kind of hurts my feelings. I would have been better not knowing that. Yeah, no, the knock will be like, oh, look, there goes Kevin and John again talking about like, would you rather fuck this microphone or like fuck this bottle? Bottle for sure. Yeah, I i don't know you know the this the microphone would fuck you yeah but if you can fuck this bottle it's just that stuff but the point is like you can say that all you want the proof is in the pudding with the subscribers and the views and the downloads and the popularity of it that's the shit that people like to banter about that's

dumb bar talk that's if you're the kind of guy that we are and i use guys meaning women as well like that's the kind of shit that uh that plays it's funny it's like easy combo and it's uh i don't take myself too seriously for it so uh everybody is kind of coming up with hypotheticals and hitting us with questions and this one that um that john stumbled upon is i mean it might be the most offensive one i've ever heard given the climate given everything we just discussed in segment number one give me give me the original the original is if you got 10 faster faster meaning just like ability to run fast i believe so so. That's how I took it. If you got 10% faster every time you call the black person the N-word,

how often would you say it? I'll be honest. How quick did I – when I say quick, how slow did I run my three-cone drill? About like 13 seconds? I think I'd be running it about 13 seconds. I don't think I'm getting any faster, bro. See, the thing is like faster doesn't really – well, actually, seconds. I don't think I'm getting any faster, bro. See, the thing is, like, faster doesn't really appeal. Well, actually, no.

I mean, fast can matter. You have to. Like, what if I. I mean, it would be very funny if me, a 31-year-old man who's overweight, became. The fastest man alive. Like, I beat Usain Bolt. And, like, that's who calls everyone the N-word. Okay.

Imagine that. Like, I'm losing. You cross the finish line. I'm losing the race to Usain. I that's the dude who calls everyone the N-word imagine that I'm losing I'm losing the race to Usain I call him the N-word I yell it ahead of me just so I get that quick 10% boost

hey slow down N-word boom I go flying by so 10% is like what do you run the 40 on right now right you run it on like

5 seconds let's say? Six? I would guess five, six. Five, six. So what's 10% of that would be shaving off 0.56 of a second, right? So if you got 20% faster, you would be running... I'm so lost. I'll take your word for it, accountant. If you got 20% faster, roughly, you're cutting like a second and change off there, right?

So then you're down to like four, four. So then you're fast. Yeah. And if you're 30% faster, you're running like a four flat-ish. So you got to call three black people the N-word. That's it? You can run a four flat. And I you got to call three black people the n word that's it and i'm the fastest person alive you're running like roughly a four four a four second flat 40 look man

someone's gonna have to catch a couple strays that is just and then you're like you know i do it like hey listen i'm sorry i said that i'll give you like some money from the weedies box I'm about to be on. Right, right. I'll make up for it. I would. Yeah. I mean, like anyone rich who gets caught saying the N-word, I'd do like a Papa John's.

I think he donated to like a historically black university or something like that. I'd win the Olympics. I'd get an NFL scout contract. I'd be like, here you go, Howard. I'm sorry, guys. Here's $10 million. George Mason. I'm good, right?

Get a new library. I mean, yeah. When you break it down like that. Three people. Bastard. I wouldn't do it hateful. I'd do like a drive-by. I'd be like running and just yelling at a homeless guy or something. That's really what you do.

You do it to the homeless. Yeah. Someone. Maybe I'll do it to people who are asleep so they don't even know. Like, there's a homeless guy passed out on a park bench. I just go up and whisper it to him. He doesn't know I did it. It doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

This is maybe the most scared producer face I've ever seen. I'm talking about a hypothetical question here. About me magically getting faster. Yeah, if I get that ability, I'll probably call someone the N-word. This is making the beginning of the episode make so much more sense. You're like, no, I don't know why anybody's worried about this stuff. We don't get anything for the shock value. It's not shock value. It's a legitimate discussion about magical powers.

And if that was the key to it, I'd probably open the door. Now, I almost feel like some people might understand it. I think everyone would not in the moment, but afterwards they'd be like, Oh shit. He doesn't really, he doesn't really think that that's just his abracadabra.

That's the word he needs to use to make magic happen. Open sesame. I'm not, would you rather a sum of money or just, or the faster thing? I, to make magic happen. Open sesame! I'm not... Would you rather a sum of money or just... or the faster thing?

You know what? Originally, I was trying to change it to a sum of money. I was trying to think what some money would be. If it was like $10,000, you'd only have $30,000

from the hypothetical we just played out, whereas you could become like international phenomenon if it had passed. Now, if it was like a million dollars, I'd probably just take the cash

because I don't want to have to run in the olympics and shit that's hard that would be imagine well you don't have to train i know i have to yell the n-word on the track while you're racing all the black guys that you get like 10 you're yelling on the track you get 100 ball and justin gatling whatever i got 30 right there on the starting line i don't have to train i just show up at the olympics i got the fastest 100 right there being in the olympics magically whether it's racial slurs or not would be the most fun ever like you just show up every four years you're like i've been drinking and fucking and doing like all normal shit you've been i'd stroll up i'd roll up to the race eating a donut yeah you know what i

would love to i would love to have? Guys, watch this. Gymnastics powers more than anything because those people legitimately ruin their lives to get to the Olympics. They get raped by their fucking trainers. It's very popular in gymnastics. They all get touched and they all lose their virginity on the balance beam. They just

fall on that thing. Equestrian too. I learned that in Nip Tuck. She lied about it. Right. She said it was the horse. She said it was the horse. Yeah. I mean, that makes sense. Just smashing it a lot. I mean, I don't know how the vagina works, so it doesn't make sense to me, but nothing

about vaginas makes sense to me. I don't really understand what's actually, you know, to me it's like, are you like popping a balloon? I've never done it, so I don't know. Me neither. I've never slept with someone for the first time. I'm happy about that. I don't want to ever take someone's visa. Yeah, I don't know. Me neither. I've never slept with someone for the first time. I'm happy about that. I don't want to ever take someone's virginity.

I think I'm good now, too. You better be. We've said this before. I think I cleared that bridge. We've said that before. I think if you take someone's virginity past the age of 22, that's not good. Because either you're at best a statutory rap rapist if not a full-blown one or you're having sex with a very weird person if you're just like a straight up like i'm a 27 year

old virgin i don't care what your fucking reasons are religious or otherwise you're it's odd it's odd it's okay to be odd but you're odd like other than like i've been like trapped in a bunker and without any human contact you're weird and then you're probably weird from been trapped in a bunker without any human contact, you're weird. And then you're probably weird for being trapped in a bunker. So either way. In that case, I'd rather have sex with a religious virgin than the kidnapped fucking virgin. And usually if you're kidnapped, you're not going to be fucked. Anyway. Where were we on that one?

Running faster. Running faster. Have you seen the guy that's like the freeze, but he's fat and overweight,'s up with that guy fast as fuck yeah they call him the fridge i think yeah and i've never heard you know the freeze oh yeah yeah so this guy he's fat he's like he looks like a slob and his he like starts out and then he just turns it on and he's fucking fast as shit and he beats everybody this guy might be calling people inwards that guy's that guy's probably racist racist he probably calls the freeze it. Yeah.

And he's whipping around that ballpark as fast as he can be. That's a lot more, you know, it's a better explanation than he's just a fat guy who's super, super fast. Too much weight to move around. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it's not. We ain't talking about going straight to the Olympics. Imagine this happens and, like, the best you can do is, like, run on the warning track. Whatever.

You know, probably get, like, a hundred bucks a night. I was going to say, it's pure money. Straight cash track. Whatever. Probably get like $100 a night. I was going to say, it's pure money. Straight cash, homie. Just run a quick lap every day. Yeah, get a little social media fame. We're all good here. Being fast is one of those things. When you're younger...

Being fast is the most important thing in the world. Yeah. If you are... People know. That's true. But like... If I were to assure you, I'd mean I'd be in trouble. If you're legitimately fast, like really fast, people know.

Like do you know who the fast person in this office is? No. I do. It's Vibs. Oh, I was going to say Vibs. But I don't know. Is he like – like I know he can run like the fastest mile. But is he like –

In the laps that have been done in this office, Vibs is the fastest. Yeah, yeah. So I count him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right. I mean I was going to say Vibs. So yeah. Like be like people like – kids are new in the neighborhood. Kids are new at fastest. Yeah, yeah. So I count them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right. I mean, I was going to say Vibs. So, yeah. Like, be like people,

like kids new in the neighborhood, kids new in school. Well, that early on. Don't chase Robert. He's really fast. He'll get away. Like the mile, the kid who could run the mile

on like the sixes, that kid was cool as shit. The soccer players who could run fast, like those guys. I might not even get contracts. I might just go to Central Park and be like, bet you can't touch me.

Yeah, right, right. Let's play tag. Who wants to play tag? I'm never going to be it. Yeah. Just so you know. That's a good bar trick. Like, right, right. Let's play tag. Who wants to play tag? I'm never going to be it. Yeah. Just so you know. That's a good bar trick. Like, you know, I can go to the bar and I'll race anybody here for any amount of money you want.

I'll challenge people on social media. Logan Paul was doing that recently. Right, right, right. Yeah, like you, Olympic runner. You think this is a good bar trick? So if you're at the bar and somebody walks in and goes, I'll race of you here you guys are like whoa this guy's fucking cool i'd be like uh he's fast the fuck out dude nobody wants to run come about five years deep man yeah well it almost it's it's like the uh white men can't jump of racing you know so you gotta show up somewhere where you that's why that fat guy probably you know he's probably made probably hustled people left and right well

that's the thing if you were fat and you went to the bar and you were like uh i'll challenge anyone for a thousand dollars there'd be someone who's like this fat guy all right i'm gonna make a thousand dollars and you win every time i like the art of hustling that's what i like whether it's playing pool playing basketball or or straight up foot races i actually really don't like the art of hustling. I mean, I mean the literal hustling. I do. I'm, I,

I, I go out of my way to fake hustle, like hustling. Like, I mean like actually, which hustle don't you like? I'm confused. Like not trying hard at things or sneaking. Like,

like showing effort. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that either. I go, I like, I like, yeah.

You ever like be crossing the street and you do like the fake, you know, not even like a jog. Like I, I slow down to do it. Yeah, I go slower than if I walked. I bob my shoulders and I bend my legs a little bit. I'm definitely moving slower.

Yeah. I usually do this with my mouth and my tongue for some reason. Yeah, like MJ. Try hard. When MJ was really trying to dunk a basketball, he stuck his tongue out. When I'm really trying to make it look like I'm crossing the street fast for you, I do it. The one that is so crazy to me is when I'm at a restaurant and the waitress is trying to get by you. I was just like, lean forward.

Yeah, like the chair's not moving, bro. The chair's not moving. The wooden piece of furniture is still in the way, man. But you are. In my mind, she's like, oh, what a gracious man this is. Thank you so much for putting forth this effort. Joey Langone had a good tweet. It was a gorilla that was kind of doing a shuffle.

Because that's the other one. When someone holds the door for you and you're too far away and you're like, I'd rather you just let the door close. I'd rather open the door. But instead, I'm going to jiggle around over here. Yeah, I mean, long story short, being fast is one of the most important things in the world. Second most important thing behind just incredible foot speed is what I'm about to tell you. This segment is brought to you by ExpressVPN. You want to be able to watch every single NFL game this season, no matter where you live or what team you root for?

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It's ExpressVPN.comn.com to learn more. Joe Keery, you know him better as Steve Harrington, Steve the Hare Harrington from Stranger Things, has done something he shouldn't have done. It doesn't make sense to me. He's going to go ahead and get himself canceled. And I'm not talking about a racial slur or something he shouldn't be saying. He cut his hair.

And he didn't just cut his hair. He went to the same barber as Brandon Walker where they get out the knife and fork. Yeah. And they just chop your head up. I was trying to think of what I was going to say he cuts his hair with. Knife and fork is exactly what he cuts his hair with. Or like a pair of chicken scissors. Or like a weed whacker.

Or a hedge clipper. He just stuck his head in a garbage disposal at that run it doesn't make any fucking sense this haircut you know a guy like that with hair like his should not get a haircut let alone do what he did uh it's like a true bowl cut in the sense like they put a bowl on his head and just like cut around like it's like a harry harry uh it's like a dumb and dumber type of haircut. It has to be for acting. It has to. It looks like he looks like a different person.

Yeah, I didn't believe this. When you tweeted it out, I was like, dude, that's not Joe Keery. And he's a cool guy. He's like a, from what I've seen him, he's another guy we got to get in here. I've seen him on social media. He seems like a normal cat who would understand like, hey, man awesome look at his hair like girls like me guys want to be me my hair is awesome this is a rare thing to have some people would kill for this i'm not gonna fuck with it yeah your hair so imagine like tech money was that his name tech money tech with from real world

the bleach hair guy okay tech i just know him as tech yeah sounds right yeah yeah like imagine him getting famous and in two years being like nah i, I'm done with the blues. That's what people know you for. You got to stick with it. And that's where, I don't know if you don't, he doesn't have like an agent or a publicist or even like a friend. The most important thing in the world besides being, besides foot speed is having friends or a team or just a trusted person in your family or whatever telling you when you're being an

asshole yeah it's it's it's so important it's so like casey's casey's friend the uh the one who said are you sure you want a young money tattoo on your ribs yes yes like you need that one friend just to bring everything back to reality a little bit are you sure you want to call that black guy the n-word because you think it'll make you fast i'll say you're right probably not gonna try it's the ron white he says you know if you can if you if you're sober enough to stand on two feet look me in the eyes and say fuck off i'm doing it then okay but i at least made the point i made the case you could be sitting in that barber chair and you need a friend to go no one's gonna like you anymore even me your career is gonna be done and your friendships are gonna be done he like It's weird. Cutting his hair, it added 20 pounds to him.

Yeah, because it crunched everything. His hair used to be big. Now his face looks smushed and he looks like he's special ed. He looks like he's a weird young person creep from under the bridge. Joe, what are you? Now, if this is for a role, fine. But if this is just for style or I just need to change. Yeah, did he get dumped? that what happened yeah like like i think girls always joke about it with bangs it's like no you don't want bangs you just like are mad at your

boyfriend or something like that that's that's what he did he went and got banks he does he has like these weird banks it is crazy when you see that that stereotype play out in real life like i had a friend and i was in high school movie college and uh i hadn't seen her in a while and i knew through social media that she got dumped or whatever and then i then you see her i saw her i was like you have a just you you you really think that girls that's gonna change your life think that like the hair holds like a particular power which it does in a sense when you have it when you have it looks good and it's just like what is what did you why do you dye it red but it's like a bright red you know what i can at least respect like if

you if you go like britney like if you shave your head and you're just like fuck it i'm crazy but if you're just like i just wanted like a bob it's like now you're just ugly now you have the same problems on your i like bobs just so to be clear i'm a bob guy i'm not even talking about bob i think i'm talking about pixie i don. I'm not that well versed. I think it's when it's really short. Although my sugar mom with the silver fox, she has short haircuts. Yeah. If you can rock it, you can rock it.

When it's good, it's good. Yeah. It's just if you're doing it out of desperation, it's probably not good. Never good. But the bigger point here is that you need to have people in your life who keep it real. And you need to listen to those people. I've gone through it. I've had a lot of people who have supported me but as i've like blown my life up

there have been people who've like looked me in the eyes and been like you fuck that up or like what are you doing you should do it this way or like don't do that don't say that and i appreciate it it drives me crazy in the moment i'm like fuck you guys just let me fucking vent or whatever but you need that and then you also need to listen to it but and that's the problem with famous people you know it's like you got a bunch of yes men fucking joe keery's probably got a bunch of lackeys who are just like yeah man you think joe keery's got lackeys i mean apparently you got that stranger things money i wouldn't say yes until i saw that that's true that means he has some guys in his life who was like yo you looked up yeah i'll drive you to the barber shop this is

a great idea guys we got the same haircut let's go get the steve and i and i appreciate guys who like you know i feel like brad pitt's one of them where it's like if he does something it's cool right and i and i i appreciate trying to be that he's had some shit haircuts but you if you're but he's not that guy and you try to be that guy it's not good so that's what you need a friend to say bro you're not brad pitt yeah you hot you got that straight it's not even an insult the hair harrington but you ain't br need a friend to say. Bro, you're not Brad Pitt. You hot. You got the straight to things money. It's not even an insult. See the hair of Harrington, but you ain't Brad Pitt. Yeah, to say someone's not Brad Pitt isn't mean. It's just a fact. You ain't Brad Pitt.

By the way, Ad Astra comes out Friday. Does it? Yeah. That might be. So does Rambo. Well, let's go to the theater and we'll split off. No, I want to see Ad Astra as well. Ad Astra is going to be that fire.

It's crazy. I will see like any space movie. Any space movie. Why? I love space. It's crazy. I will see any space movie. Any space movie. Why? I love space. Always? Pretty much. There's not that many of them.

I mean, you've loved space since you were young. Yeah. Like planets and shit? Yep. I really love Neptune from day one. You're a Neptune guy. Yeah, it's like a big blue ball. I used to love the blue ball, like the racquetballs.

I love the racquets. It looks like that. Okay. Yeah, I love Neptune. By far the best planet. What's your favorite planet? You can tell a lot about it first about the racquetballs. I love the racquets. It looks like that. Okay. Yeah, love Neptune. By far the best planet. What's your favorite planet? You can tell a lot about a person about the planet they like.

Probably Jupiter. See, that's because you're just a big fat narcissist. You're just like, look at me, I'm so fucking big. That's what people who like Jupiter think. What's your favorite planet?

I like Jupiter for the moon. Mars? I mean, be more boring. It's like, what can I say that's Earth but like not Earth? Mars. I mean, Earth is boring. It's like, what can I say that's Earth but not Earth? Mars. I mean, Earth is number two. Earth? I don't even know if Earth is number five. Maybe just go ahead

and just kill yourself because you're wallpaper. Earth and Mars. Nick, what's your favorite planet? I was a big Pluto guy, so I'm still upset about that. Oh, so you don't even have a planet anymore. You are... Samtune is literally just an ice cube. Like, so you don't even have a planet anymore. You are... Didn't Pluto get brought back into the fold? Samtoon is literally just an ice cube.

Like, that's really cool. Ice cube. It's a blue... A piece of ice. The Arctic is pretty cool. It's an icy blue, like, perfect sphere in deep space. Perfect sphere. Yeah.

That's also what Earth looks like, right? Yeah. Earth's a marble. The blue is a marble. Earth's a marble. Marbles are cool. Yeah, no, I don't have a problem with Earth. I have a problem with the inhabitants of it.

Yeah, me too. You know what else is great about Neptune? Earth itself is pretty cool. Marbles are dope. Not a single life form. It's too cold out there for life. So Neptune's good. I would accept Saturn. I think rings are awesome. I think rings are unique. But that also probably makes Saturn a little bit of a cliche.

I bet you a lot of people like the rings. I'll tell you who – There's not that many choices. You can't hate all of them. I'll tell you who gets no love. I don't think there's a single person on any planet who would say that Mercury is their favorite planet. No, I honestly forgot. Venus, you might get some for women.

Venus is like the woman's planet. Men are from Mars. So you might get some feminists who say Venus. Jupiter is huge. Saturn has the rings. Earth we live on. Mars is the red rock. Neptune is that fucking icy blue fire.

Pluto is the smallest and the furthest. All that shit. Which one's closest? Uranus is funny. Mercury. Which one's closest? Mercury. Mercury, yeah.

How about this? Uranus is sideways. How about... It's a funny name. You know a lot about this. I know a lot. There's all these reasons how those would be your favorite planets. How about this?

Not fucking Mercury. You know about Cirrus? Cirrus? Cirrus is a dwarf planet the same size as Pluto that's like in between Mars and Saturn. There's just another one there that everyone's just like,

I didn't even know that was there. Yeah, it doesn't count. And aren't there, isn't there like Titan? Isn't that a moon of Jupiter that's like the size of other planets? I think it's a yeah it's not it doesn't count and then aren't there isn't there like titan isn't that a moon of of uh jupiter that's like the size of other planets i think it's a moon is so fucking big it's not as big as other planets yeah but mercury is just a home planet bitch ass titan yeah not that's that's a different titan uh jupiter what do you love the red spot too fucking loser i forgot to know how to red Fucking loser. I didn't know I had a red spot, but sure. You didn't know I had a red spot?

You can't even claim Jupiter as your planet. I don't know if I would have been able to name five planets. I don't know if I would have been able to name five planets. What he said was the closest. I thought everybody was closest. Try it again right now. Can you do it in order? No, fuck no.

Try it in order. What are we, third? Try it in order, yes. Mercury. I don't know. Earth. Mars. Actually, I don't know what Yes. Mercury. I don't know. Earth. Mars. Actually, I don't know what it comes next either.

Venus. Jupiter. Saturn. Neptune. Nah. Mercury. Mercury. I think it goes Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars.

Jupiter. Jupiter. Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and what used to be pluto right what's he like this is why do i need to know this i mean why do you need to know anything that's what i mean like how to add numbers and like how to spell words that's the only thing you learn in school it matters there's literally nothing matters in school it's crazy i like we probably spent weeks talking about this the fuck does it matter? Wasn't there a thing like my very expensive mother to learn the order?

I don't know. If you're going to become an astronomer, that's probably important. But otherwise, who fucking cares? Yeah. Well, maybe you'll have a discussion on a podcast about it. I mean, I personally like it. I find it interesting. But I don't think it's necessary. But I guess maybe that's what school is.

It's like we're going to try to show you things that you might like so you can like talk about stuff and if you don't like this one fine but you might like this one like i also love egypt i love the egyptian pharaohs and the pyramids and the sphinx pretty cool and the sarcophagi sarcophaguses i love all that shit you might not like it but i'm happy we did that the tigers and euphrates river the fertile crescent the delta the silt basically all it taught me was that I'm going to like mummy movies when I grow up. That's important? That was the whole semester, probably, of learning about Egypt. I was like, man, when Brendan Fraser makes a mummy movie, I'm definitely going to like that.

Do you remember the sarcophagus I made? It was always floating around the house. You remember that? The golden one I made out of clay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. I was once in a clay... It was either in school or i went to like a clay class mom used to make us do some gay shit i think i used to go to pottery class and i made

a sarcophagus and it was like i painted it like shining shining gold shiny gold and i had like diamonds on it and shit it was fire and i kept kept my little fucking coin collection in there. Everything sticks. Certain things stick with certain people. I probably couldn't tell you when the Civil War was. Other people love the Civil War. What do you like? I like planets. I like space.

Space movies, for sure. Astros can be that shit right there. Voicemails? 1860s? Somewhere in there. But, I mean, some people. I think 1865 was the. You were going to go with what the month it started?

I think there's a year that it started that a lot of people know. 1865. I don't know it. I would say I think 1865 was the Emancipation Proclamation. All right. And then Reconstruction was after that. I feel like we spent a lot of time on that. And I'm just like, I don't care about this.

Yeah. Let's get back to i saw a uh since i'm in my uh raging war day five with serbia uh people are like knocking america and all sorts of shit and i saw some funny uh funny one serb who's made me laugh literally the only one sent me a meme um it was someone else's shit and someone said uh name one person we laugh at this meme i saw last night we go um uh it said uh name name one one character that can defeat captain america i'll wait and someone replied captain vietnam you're right you're right you're good you're good what did you see last night this this fucking meme memes are so funny dude i feel like an old dad with some of the memes but like the one i sent to john a couple weeks ago it was uh it was like something about eating pussy

and what was it it was like dainty like licking an ice cream cone and i and and vince vaughn was like and it was something about like the way you're supposed to eat pussy versus the way you're not supposed to eat what you do when you ask versus when you want to yeah yeah the guy who you have to ask to eat pussy versus the guy who wants to it's so funny i said to john he was like crap they started casey started filming john he was laughing so hard at the bar and we're just the guys who send memes back and forth like we found like a new treasure trove of common i mean oh what is what is this now this this i tuned into john halfway through it's like a muppet thing it's like so many there's so many memes together and that like i understand it's the joker trying to illegally download megamind this game will make you cum in 37 times in one second.

And the other one is, my husband is dead. I don't want a relationship. I just want to fuck. And this kid is crying. He's like, I just want to download Megamind. I mean, this is like... We'll put it up on Gold. If you're watching on Gold, you'll see it. I was in my last night in legitimate tears

just looking at that picture. My husband is dead and I just want to fuck. I'll tell you what. The game ads sometimes get me. The ones that are like, I bet you can't play this game and not come in three minutes. I'm like, I bet you I can. I mean, it's pretty quick. I'll get into this game.

I thought you were talking about Instagram ads. They have a golf one right now that I just watch it play. Yeah. three minutes i'm like i bet you i can't i mean it's pretty quick i'll get into this game i think you're talking about like instagram ads like they have a golf one right now that i i just watch it play yeah but i haven't gotten any of those comments on on porn hub it's like you know you oh yeah you'll come in in fucking three minutes i don't think i will 1861 for the civil war when was the emancipation proclamation well it ended in 1865 so i was right. When was the Emancipation Proclamation? Well, it ended in 1865. So? I was right. So you had the end.

You thought the end was the beginning. Thus, you were right. No, I said the Emancipation Proclamation was fucking 1865. You dickhead. Voicemails, right? Voicemails are brought to you by Daily Harvest. That just sounds like some fall shit, right? Today's Daily Harvest in the autumn.

You ever met anyone who was autumn? No. Most people, I mean, you'd have to chop their head off if you saw them. If you ever said to someone, what's your favorite holiday, and they said autumn, you'd have to punch them in the mouth. Well, yeah, for multiple reasons, but number one being autumn's not a holiday. Season. Fuck you, man. Fuck off. Daily Harvest. Summer's gone. This says summer's been great. Fuck off. Daily harvest.

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time. Nicky Edits, what do you got for me? What's up KFC fights? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious producer BC. Quick question for What's up KFC fights Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Producer BC Quick question for I would love to hear a fight's take on this one Could this year's

Patriots team Beat the NFC Pro Ball team Like you could even give us Back Gronk if that would help with the argument Or what not but And you can let them have their practices and all that stuff, but

do you think this year's Patriots team could beat the NFC Pro Bowl team? Let me know, Viva. I mean, probably. I mean, I just I'm trying to just think in my I mean, yeah, I'm not the right guy for this. You know, you got to get like PMT on the case here or something.

I don't know. But, I mean, it's crazy to think that like, you know, an all-star team of any type. But, like, I think for like a one game – like, what are we talking about here? Are we talking about just like a pickup game? Because I do think the Patriots would win. I think the Patriots who have a system, who play together, practice together. I think they would. Right. Now, if it's like you give the NFC All-Star Pro Bowl a offseason to prepare for this or something, probably.

But I really bet you like if they play tomorrow, I think Tom Brady wins. I think so, too. I think disgusting. It's if we can do a little Patriots talk if you'll indulge me um watching the game yesterday that was i mean let's not get all fucking high and mighty about yesterday's game but no no here's what i'm going to say the patriots won 43 to nothing at one point in the game i think josh rosen came in he moved the a bit. At one point in the game, late in the game, maybe early fourth quarter, the Dolphins had run 29 plays for a total of 37 yards. For almost a full football game.

A professional football team against another professional football team was averaging slightly over a yard per play. I hated when they brought in Josh Rosen because you said he moved the chains a little bit. He had a couple seeds in the middle of the field. Because I wanted to see – you know, some people are like, I like greatness. I just want to watch greatness. Yeah. I want to watch failure.

Like I love hearing – I would love to see the Dolphins have like 40 yards on 40 plays. That to me is fascinating. You could snap the ball and just trip every time and you probably get more yards. The whole thing is like the Patriots won 43-0 and thoroughly dominated people who are paid to play the sport. By the way, it was still like 7-0 halfway through the second quarter.

It was still like, eh. This is kind of disappointing. I thought it was going to be a blowout. 43-0 and they didn't move the ball and I was like, I thought it was going to be a blowout. That didn't count as a blowout in my head. When they did get a first down or something, I was like, what are you, pathetic Patriots? What's wrong with you?

What's fucking, you kidding me? Oh, you guys lost it already? This team is in trouble. You get a first down to the Dolphins. It was funny when it was 7-0 and I was kind of like, boy, slow start here. Everybody kind of agreed that it was like you know what's like you said like is josh mcdaniel's like taking it easy on them like why don't they just throw in the ball there were a lot of runs like i think there's like i formation

on like third and seven like what do we do with josh and not like listen nobody in the room was like the dolphins might win this game everyone to a man started i said 42 to 7 john's at 35 nothing whatever it was. Uh, but it was, I don't even remember the point of my story here. Other than that, it was just like watching the dolphins be knowing that like the,

the, the, the knockout punch was coming. Like they were, they probably got their hopes up a little bit. Like, all right, we're hanging on.

It's not that bad. And then they just got butt fucked. See, I don't, I don't think because it wasn't up do they even it would they didn't do anything to inspire it was just it was just a matter like it was literally a matter of time it was just like all right we haven't gotten the ball back yet a couple times like it's just there was a missed field goal even 10 nothing bro kicking is crazy yeah this kind of started

last year it really did start when they moved the extra point back so like good on the nfl because that they they hated how that was like automatic it's certainly not anymore that was crazy uh but it seems to have like the rest of kicking he missed two pats yesterday yeah two pats in the field benetary is probably as we speak retiring you saw that he was i'll see you tomorrow and the reporter's like we don't have anything tomorrow he's like yes you do oh i didn't see that yeah he said as he was walking out there was a beat reporter and he was like i'll see you tomorrow steve and steve said like, tomorrow's not a media day. We don't have you.

And he goes, you'll be hearing from me tomorrow. So everyone is waiting for his retirement. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. I mean, because he's been real bad. And he's like the greatest ever, scored the most points ever, I think at a time, if not currently right now, had like the highest percentage ever.

It's just not worth it. Yeah. Like you know go home be done yeah um yeah kicking is fucking crazy i thought it was just the jets but it's everyone else uh the jets will be as you listen to this game will already be over but i'll be uh watching with the browns guys tonight me jeff d low marty on the stream confirmed or not confirmed where the where the browns in the club last night uh nick chubb was there. I heard he was not there. Jeff D. Lowe told me that it was his friend. You saw Nick Chubb?

I mean, I don't know what Nick Chubb looks like enough to say, but I know I was told that's Nick Chubb. Okay. So there's a little bit of conflicting reports on whether it was him or not. I was told that's Nick Chubb by Jeff D. Lowe. Oh, well, then he's the one who today he told me. I don't know if he's trying to cover his team's ass or what. He told me that he thought it was him, I guess, and that it was his friend.

Someone was like, look, that's Nick Chubb. That might not have been Jeff who said that to me, but someone was like, that's Nick Chubb. And the man was standing on a table chugging from a bottle. If the Cleveland Browns were at the Ainsworth last night, yesterday, and I mean two days ago, by the time you listen to this, if the Browns were at the Ainsworth last night yesterday and I mean two days ago by the time you listen to this if the Browns were at the bar partying before the Jets that is either the biggest slap in the face sign of disrespect to the New York Jets or the Browns

are still the Browns it might be a combination of both I remember do you remember when Richard Jefferson tweeted the other day and not the other day like months ago about the knicks game they put up a clip of uh when lebron was they were they planned to flip the bottle on on the court during the game yeah yeah and and they were like the tweet was like smh the disrespect here for the knicks and he said what the disrespect was how we how late we were out last night like drinking right right right so like if you go out the night before a game

was that him? Don't be racist, John. I don't, I actually don't think it was. I mean, I had probably five beers, um,

and it was dark. It's a very dark in there. By the way, um, say it to this picture and you get faster. I don't think you'd do it. I mean, if you can guarantee,

you can't guarantee I get 10% faster. I don't think you'd do it. You would need to run the fuck away. If the Browns were out partying, I almost want that to not be true. I said this to you yesterday. I think the same thing about the Mets. Like when the Mets get a big lead, I don't like it because that means when they blow the lead it's going to be even more embarrassing I'd rather have a normal lead I'd rather not have the Browns out drinking the night before because if you do still lose that game you're that much more pathetic

yeah but I think also like I think that happens so much more than we think yeah it's like guys are just hung over left and right but yeah like I think it's I think it was Clinton Portis was just telling a story about that on the Master Tez's show, Untold Stories or whatever it is. And it was about how his best game in Denver, it was like rookie night was like Thursday night and the game was Sunday. And he was like, I was still so incredibly hungover. And he's like, I was walking to tell Shanahan that I can't play today. And Shannon Sharp stopped him. I was like, where the fuck do you think you're going? He's like i was walking to tell shanahan that i can't play today and shannon

sharp stopped him i was like where the fuck do you think you're going he's like i got i'm not feeling well i gotta tell coach i can't go today he's like that's not his problem that's a you problem yeah he's like you need to fucking fix this he's like get out on the field just start sprinting it out and then you get into the training room he goes you alternate hot tub cold tub hot tub cold tub hot tub cold tub until you feel better and then you fucking go out there and play so he's like he's like i was on the field doing sprints like you know three hours before the game four before the game puking everywhere on the field and then started doing the hot cold and then ran that day for like 220 and uh two touchdowns or something like that that's wild man i mean yeah it's like any other job where you know

i always think about how i used to think teachers were so important, and then you realize they were like 25 years old and done all the time. I'm sure athletes are the same way. It's like, especially once you're – I feel like when you're a rookie, maybe – I'm sure there are rookies who are reckless, but I feel like when you're a rookie, maybe you're like, all right, I got to take this seriously. And when you're a veteran, you're like, my body can't handle it anymore. It's probably that in-between where you're like, I'm set.

My career's set. I got my money. I know what you're like, I'm set. My career's set. I got my money. I know what I am and what I'm not. I'm going out tonight. I'm going to get fucked up tonight. When we were at the Ainsworth Sunday night, a bunch of Barstool people there because it was a Barstool event, so to speak. And I got there. And it wasn't like in full swing, but people were kind of partying.

People were having a good time and over by the browns friends of the browns or whoever it happened to be there were there are a lot of just like big dudes over there and there's this one chick in the middle of it who was grinding on everybody and like good old grinding right i want to do some grinding long blonde hair had a hat on but she had like had her hat down low no titties around attractive girl for three hours i thought it was alex cooper i was i thought you were about to say until she turned around and i was like oh it's not alex as you were explaining the story i was like was the daddy gang there like it was that's like i just i i it made perfect sense it's like yeah she's hanging out with the people who are cool and That makes sense. That checks out. Speaking of, I went to get John to do the podcast today.

Usually it's 11 a.m. I just look up over my desk partition. I say, it's time for the podcast. Where was John? He's in the back corner with the cool kids talking gambling with Big Cat and Marty and Brandon Walker. I was talking the gambling show. I was talking about my show. John's with the cool kids at the cool table now.

It's like, are you ready to hang out with me now? Ready to go back to the basement and play video games with your old loser friends? I told you I was going over. You were eating. You're at the keg party with the cool guys and the pretty girls and I'm back home playing Dungeons and Dragons with fucking Will.

Go ahead. Go have sex with Eleven, you little fucking asshole next up what's up kc fights superman saves lois lane dc vince from philly uh two things trying to get quick uh first seeing kc on the boot but on your windshield thing my old buddy uh used to get those all the time and we actually took it off successfully three times but then on the fourth time we actually cracked his windshield. So I guess that's like the whole point of those things is that if you try to take it off yourself you'll crack the entire windshield.

Second one is would you rather I feel like the answer is always uncomfortable versus looking bad but would you rather have like really bad cystic acne on your face, doesn't hurt or anything, just like looks terrible. Or you constantly feel like your entire body is covered with mosquito bites.

There's no redness, no bumps. Nobody else can see it. You just feel that constant uncomfortable itchiness. You can't take medicine. You can't put a cream on it or anything. It's just a forever feeling. I mean, I think you've got to take acne, no? As horrible as that is.

Yeah. You can't have the... It has to be the acne. It's crazy too. Unless your body... I don't know. It's like I'm always in pain when I wake up, but now that's just regular. Does it just become regular for you?

I think you'd go crazy. I'm itching right now. You'd lose... Never just think about an itch. Right now, you've got an itch in your body. Focus in on it. I've got one on my neck, my knee and my elbow right now. It's just like, I don't think I'm itchy.

No, no. But like, fuck you. It's there. There are so many things where you, when you're like, fuck you. You're so fucking cool. Gambling with no itches. Fuck you. I'm sitting over here.

I don't even gamble and I'm itchy. What a fucking loser. I think it's going gonna be a problem week two when you uh got a new hit show fucking making money hey dan hey dan hey dan who would what's happening right now did you did you did you make a parlay pick bet life's too short to bet the under am i right man let's high five dude so cool this thing's like it's coming from a real place right now you okay no no this is like the comedian we were talking about at the beginning we're like all right you can feel like if they're really hateful and if they're just making jokes it feels like you're very upset right now no what i am upset about is i'm like i have to do like i i have to do some gambling content now this is what it is is you're making

me do more work. I'm sorry. It also costs money to make you do the work. We're going to keep a running tally of how much I've paid to make this show. Yeah. Well, that's what those guys are always complaining about. They're like, Charnin, I can't do this anymore, man. I'm paying to work more. I just don't want to do gambling content.

Do it for me. Figure it out for me, okay? I tried to. I said we should just do random bets. Yeah. It's like, what should we do i don't know gamble the world needs more people telling them telling you what their picks are and if i don't genuinely like to see if you arbitrarily picked bets if you would if you just like end up right in the middle of the pack we got to do the fade dave and we got

to do arbitrary picks what were you talking about oh the itching i mean oh yeah it's like what you learn terrible but is the acne is bad but like when you're hurting like i'm always sore but i'm not like occasionally my back will really hurt and that ruins my day not in the sense that like oh i'm sad like i can't do things i can't have conversations because all i'm focusing on is my my back hurts if all i'm thinking about is how i'm itchy and stuff i won't be able to function now the cystic acne will also be a problem because that will affect your self-confidence such as lovely like i don't have in both scenarios here i don't have this job anymore i lose my job in both situations definitely can't be on camera with the with the acne and you can't and not even if you came on camera i can't

have confidence to like say takes or tell jokes or anything what are you talking about you got fucking acne shut the fuck up nobody respects you nobody cares but if you were sitting there just on the on the microphone you'd be like i'm at you i'm at you i'm at you i can't i'm like i can't like i can't do it i've had that with my mom where she's like she's called she'll call me like look like i i can't talk i just can't i'm my back hurts too much i just talk i cannot talk so i'll have to call him back she didn't to be fair she's very good at noticing it. She'll be like, okay. Like I basically say hello.

She's like, ah, you're not doing Tuesday. I'll talk tomorrow. Like it's just straight up like Adam. What about like could you, you know, if I like put a hat on and a hood on and try to like, you can't like see my face. I feel like you can maybe try to control that versus the itching. Like there's no stopping the itching. Maybe you can kind

of like i don't know i only hang out like dark lit bars or some shit you don't ever see me at night yeah um i don't know it's bad though the acne it's got to be acne it's got to be acne i don't know what i'd do with my life i'd probably be a landscaper um fun story the only reason that we are uh in existence is because my mom was sick of her acne so she got pregnant really she loves us or wanted a family it's just that you know your hormones like all you know change when you get pregnant so if you have acne so she had like a little bit of adult acne so she got knocked up medicine really wasn't what it is huh imagine that yeah there was a lot there was a lot of my skin well to be honest the the the like modern day solution wasn't much better either it was like we'll fix your acne but you'll probably

kill yourself like accutane was like your pimples will be gone but you will be suicidal and people were like sign me up let's go done coming but yeah back then it was just like get pregnant crazy i was on i was on medicine um i forget what it's called but i had like a pill i took but i got on it when i was like 15 or something like that i didn't have it wasn't i didn't have like acne acne i got pimples um but since i was so young when i started taking it the doctor never told me like hey it's really dangerous to drink on this stuff i just drank on it for like three years and then they were like your liver your the enzymes are really high you've been drinking i was like yes like well you're prescribed this i was like no one ever told me not to drink like well you're 15 so we didn't

think it would come up don't drink whiskey on this i mean it's fair yeah it's fair i was gonna say we're kind of negligent doctors of these oh the common sense kind i think i think you have common sense that kids in high school might experiment common sense kind i think i think you have common sense that kids in high school might experiment with alcohol well i mean i'm sure they were thinking about like you know a beer here or there you're probably drinking like a goddamn like sailor like a fucking alcoholic dad you're 15 next up hey what up kfc fights bc It's your boy, Big Lou from Milwaukee. So, I'm kind of in bonus land right now,

so this might not make sense. But, so, if you were in a coma, and you could only come out of that coma for three days a year, what days would you choose and why? Ooh. Thanks, boys.

Love that. Jot that down. Yeah, that's a great one for ATI. I am going to pick Christmas Eve, the first day of the tournament, NCAA tournament. and uh i also like that first it's it's a it's a rare like it's not a popular pick but i think it's like the first day of baseball playoffs they have like a one o'clock four o'clock eight o'clock and it's four straight games of playoff baseball i like that one everyone always says divisional football weekend or wildcard weekend or the tournament days i like the playoff baseball that's a really good one yeah those would be my three days uh yeah you gotta go christmas i go christmas eve though you know

what i mean christmas day to me is like it's over christmas eve is the final day of the build-up i like that because i like christmas although it would be weird to just yeah that's i like christmas season so it would be weird to just like i might just pick like december yeah the middle of it that's fine um some some part of christmas season i would i'm okay with yeah um or maybe even like black friday like Friday, like when everyone's like, all right, Thanksgiving is over. It's time to do Christmas. That's a little too corporate for me.

But you know what I'm saying? Like you could pick the very beginning when everyone gets into December 1st. I love Thanksgiving. I might go Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Super Bowl. Just a moment. I mean, you knew I was going to. I mean, I didn't, but I should have. I didn't even think of that.

I was thinking, is this just one year, or is this like every year you're in the coma and you only come three days? Because if you pick whatever day, game seven of the World Series, or the last World Series game, you just wake up and see, is it the Mets? Is it the Mets?

No, it's not. It's the Mets. Okay, back to sleep. I'll be back in a couple months. Back to snooze. Yeah, it's not a bad idea, because if every year you get three days, like pop in, nope, didn't win the World Series. Is it the Mets? No, it's not. Okay, back to sleep. I'll be back in a couple months. Back to snooze. Yeah, it's not a bad idea, because if every year you get three days, like, pop in, nope, didn't win the World Series.

Back to bed. I'd love that. I'd sign up for this. Yeah. Because that, like, you don't have to suffer through the season, but maybe you get to win Skip 362 days a year? Oh, yeah. Write those motherfuckers.

And just pick up the highlights? Write off. It's like, yeah, it's like watching highlights. I'd love to see John waking up one year, and it's the Super Bowl, and the Patriots aren't in it, and he's like, wait, what? Where am I? Then guess what? What's happened?

What year is this? Pull me back to sleep. Actually, would you like the day after? Would you want to watch the Super Bowl or be there for the celebration and shit? You know what I mean? Super Bowl. You want to see it actually happen? Yeah.

No, as you get older. I mean, I wouldn't know. All the ancillary stuff, it really doesn't matter as much. It's just, it's the game. Yeah, parade's nice, but. Fuck off. When I was like 24, the parade was huge. And it wasn't even, I'd never, the only parade I've ever been to was the Bruins parade.

I've never, but like, it was still nice to just watch them and stuff like that. It was fun. It was fun to be part of it now. It's like, we win the game. That's a good question though. Good. It's a good question. Yeah, I like it.

I'm sure there's, I want to know what non-sports fans would do. Cause there's like, what else, what do you look forward to during the year? All right, let us know. What, uh, what three days of the year would you want to live for non-sports fans would do. What do you look forward to during the year? All right, let us know. What three days of the year would you want to live for if you were stuck in a coma? Get at us on Twitter and Instagram at KC Radio. Now it's time for our boy Gary Owen. Gary Owen is brought to you by CBDMD, the best company in the world right now for all your CBD products, CBD oil, CBD in every different way, shape, or form.

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featuring Gary Owens. Got a new special coming out. Very funny guy. How we doing, man? I'm good. How's your boy Kev doing? He's doing alright? Yeah, I think he's okay. I texted his people, so I think he's expecting to make a full recovery. We had the honor of talking to him a couple times.

He's a funny fucking guy. He always owes me money because we bet on the Bengals-Eagles game every four years. And for some reason, the Bengals got the Eagles number. So it started out like a low bet. So three years ago, it was $2,000.

And seven years ago, it was $1,000. So I don't know where we're going next year because they play next year. Betting with a man like Kev has got to be tough. Well, he holds out on $1,000. So I don't know where we're going next year. Because everybody next year. Betting with a man like Kev has got to be tough. Well, he holds out on the money, though. That's crazy. Like, we... What's he worth?

What's he worth at this point? $200 million? I think he can pay up on his $1,000 bet. I don't get it. Because we bet like seven years ago, and then we shoot Think Like a Man 2 in Vegas, and the whole shoot, I'm waiting. I'm like, dude, come on.

Last day, he gives me $1,000. Hey, Gary, just want you to know I'm good for it. I go, the last day, bro? And then the last time we bet, it took him a while, but he finally gave it to me. But then he said, since I made you wait so long, I'm going to give you $3,000 credit with Team Heart. So I think the next one, we're going to bet 3Gs, and if the Bengals lose, I don't owe them anything. So I have a $3,000 credit line. I honestly thought Team Heart was like his merch line.

No, no, Team Heart. That's his guy. That's why I needed him to be healthy in that car accident. I go, dude, I still got a credit line. Hope you're healthy and all, but I owe me $3,000, dude. It seems like everyone's going to be okay, thankfully. But when I was watching your special and you were like, you know,

you got the annual Kevin incident when that happened, I was like, Oh boy. Like, cause it said just like a driver with a woman. And I was like, Oh, it's the Kevin thing.

And it ends up their fiance. I think that's her trainer. Yeah. It's her trainer. And it was like, I thought the same thing when I, when I saw the wreck and, and it hadn't been released yet.

And then I texted a couple people in his camp and I didn't get a response yet. I go, oh. And then I was thinking, god dang, it's going to be awful if it is bad and my special comes out. And I don't go in on him, but he's definitely a part of my special. I don't get on a mean spirited. I kind of make people realize what his world is kind of really like. Like, come on now. Like, when he got in trouble with the Vegas thing, I go, I don't think his wife was leaving.

I don't think that was ever an option. 200 mil. I was like this. My wife, I'm not going nowhere. I'm letting you know right now. You know what I mean? Oh, you was with Derek Jeter? Did he give you a ball?

What was in your gift basket? Did he validate your parking? That's what I would have been like. Can we get seats? I know you know them. I know you know them. I don't want Marlin tickets. No.

Yeah, honestly, it depends on which Jeter you're getting. Marlin's Jeter, it's like, that's a different story. Yankee's Jeter is a getting. Marlon's Jeter, that's a different story. Yankee's Jeter is a whole different ballgame, man. What would make you leave for $200 million? My wife? Yeah. What could she possibly do? There's nothing.

What if it's like every night I come home and she tries to murder me with an axe? Would you eventually be like, all right, I'm out of here. You went dark. We go dark immediately. Yeah. Death is the game changer. It's honestly not dark because that's like, that's it for me. It had to be grave physical danger for me to walk away from $200 million.

Yeah. Death. Yeah. Death will do it, but that's about it. There's no, there's not much else. There's no amount of pride. I would just like come home wearing armor and a shield or some shit. I'm not walking.

You gave me herpes? Ah, it's okay. I would. Now we both have it. We're in the same league. You're a pharmacist? It's like one of those websites where it's like you meet people with herpes. This is great. I've already met my person with herpes.

You can't get double herpes. I never thought about that. If you got herpes, meet somebody with herpes. Dude, we're good. There should be a dating app that says everybody who has herpes together. You can't get double herpes and everyone's all out in the open. I never thought about that. I mean, also, if you're asking me straight up,

I would sign for herpes for $200 million. Far less, probably. That's manageable. That's a pill. And it's on flare-ups. Herpes was a no-brainer. I was thinking what physical ailment I wouldn't sign up for for $200 million, and I don't think there's anything.

Even then. Nah. AIDS for $200 million, and I don't think there's anything. Even then. Nah. AIDS. $200 million beats AIDS. I'm not going AIDS. You guys got me on that one. I'm not going AIDS. You know what?

I'll be, all right, broke boy, I'll be over here having $200 million. You talking about full-blown or just HIV? Full-blown doesn't even matter anymore. Come on. We've learned what the cure is. It's money. It's money. It's lots of money, and you got that.

Just hang out with Magic. Yeah, exactly. You got to be like this. It's lots of money, and you got that. Just hang out with Magic. Yeah, exactly. You got two men who'll be like this. Hey, what's up, bro? You can get in the door with Magic now. I like a couple movie theaters, too. Whatever. I believe you may have sent the most successful dick pic in the history of dick pics.

Would you take that honor? I did? Yeah, in the sense of the nude picture that landed you your role. Oh, you're talking about the special. Yeah. Yeah, that the sense of the nude picture that landed you your role. Oh, you're talking about the special. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. I mean, everybody else. You got me lost.

I go, oh, shit, breaking news. Anybody who's ever usually sent a picture of themselves naked finds themselves in a very precarious spot. Yeah, it's out there. Oh, shit, I should have done that. You're the one who's like, you're goddamn right I did. Well, there's already video of me out there because I did a movie called College, and i had a nude scene in the movie the movie tanked and nobody saw it when you see it they just show my my butt they don't show the front but when we shot it there wasn't no i had to just take my clothes off and the bad part was it was the second day of shooting i go can i get to know the cast

first before i'm just balled out in front of everybody? So they didn't give you anything? I heard, I think I was watching Game of Thrones or something. It didn't work. They tried to give me the cock sock. It's just that the continuity didn't work. You could see the string. And I go, I'm good.

But the crazy part, I'm like behind a curtain. And then they say action because the movie is about this frat house thing. And I'm this wild frat house guy. And just as they's behind the curtain, I'm straight up like jiggling it. Like, come on, baby. A little blood. Just a little bit.

Come on, just a little action now. I'm there behind the curtain. Action. Give me one second. We go on his schedule, not yours. There are two people on the history of the planet who have seen my completely flaccid dick, me and my doctor when I was like seven. After that, I'm not taking pants off

unless there's a little something going on. I had to get a new doctor because my old one, he found out I was a comedian. And he's always talking comedy with me as I'm getting a physical. And I go, like one time, you know, I'm getting my colon checked. I go, not the time, bro. No way. Not the time. Yeah.

He's like, so did you see Jeff Gaffigan's new special? Pink. Missed it. A little bedside manner, Doc. I'm like, bro. Time and place. Time and place.

I told my wife, give me some Indian, some Asian that barely speaks English. The guy that's just straight up. Business only. This is your ailment. Oh, yeah. Business only.

I don't want him to know me at all. At all. You mentioned college want you to know me at all. At all. You mentioned college where you did the nude scene. And then Ride Along, which unbelievable movie. But you're covered in honey and you're fairly. Just underwear. Yeah, you're pretty naked in that. What's the most normal scene you've done?

I don't know. I was wondering the other day. I was like, why? It's like every movie I've been in lately, I, I be taking my clothes off and I'm like, I'm not Brad Pitt. This isn't Thelma and Louise here.

You know, I'm, I'm like, I'm like, what is it? Uh, uh, I'm like,

uh, the, the, one of them workout apps, but I'm like day two. I'm not like day 90, 90 X. You know what I mean?

Like I did. The first video was held Up with Jamie Foxx. Clothes was off. You know, Think Like a Man. They put me in the one with my shirt off. I was the dominatrix dude. Again, clothes off. Ride Along, clothes off.

Rebound, I didn't. Let me think. Little Man, I didn't. You're batting like 800 here, though. I don't know what the deal is with me. I'm taking my clothes off. I feel like directors at this point are like, all right, we need a funny naked scene. He'll do it.

Call Gary. Yeah, I'll do it. Speed dial. I'm good. That's not a bad niche to have, man. It plays. It makes people laugh every single time. I should have been on Oz.

Everybody was naked on Oz. How did I not get casted in that? I could even add a Beast Days guy. So the new special. New special Saturday. Saturday, yeah. By the time this is out, it'll be out. So we were able to watch last night, and I just feel like your home dynamic is just very, very interesting.

Very unique situation. Oh, being black famous? Black famous. Is that how you put it? That's kind of what I was going to ask because I think it's a very great spot to be as a comedian. Well, anytime you get a audience,

it doesn't matter what it is. I think I'm the only comedian that went against me. If you look at Sebastian, he went for that Italian. He's Italian. Gabriel Iglesias is Mexican. He got the Mexican audience. It's usually go with what you are.

My audience is completely opposite of what I am. It's so funny. White guy from a trailer park, but my audience is black people. It's the complete opposite of how I was brought up visually, who I am. I can't remember another comic. No, that's why.

I mean, it's unique, and I think it adds to the viewing of it, where it's like the material is funny, but also just the crowd being different and the whole vibe being not what you expect is also part of the show in a way. Yeah. I always like to pride myself on knowing how far to push the envelope without going too far. Yeah, that's got to be. Because I talk about it in this special about how comedians, they're killing me.

You know what you can and cannot say, especially on social media. Like I said, Roseanne got fired from Roseanne. I go, how does that happen? You fired yourself, and then you played super. Like, I didn't know she was black. You didn't know the head of your network was a black lady, the one signing your checks. Really?

Tough to believe. You know what I mean? And it wasn't even a racial thing. It was completely racial. Yeah, no, I mean, there's really no defense there. But do you think that anytime someone's maybe pushing the boundaries with, like, a racial joke or racial material – Jokes are different.

Jokes are different. Stage is different than social media. I think with jokes, we obviously – we're in a PC culture and cancel culture. You still go to comedy clubs, anything goes. Oh, okay. You don't have to worry about that. It's when people do stuff on social media where they get in trouble. And in the end, it doesn't affect your career because remember they tried to get on tracy

morgan and he's fine they try to get on hannibal burris he's fine now they're trying to go after dave chappelle he's fine yeah it doesn't work with comedians you you might think it does it might be nice for press but you can't cancel us especially for jokes we tell on stage do you think that's a level of like success with you guys though i mean you're all like like if you were a fringe comic and there's one girl that just got in trouble remember uh um dina dina hasham hasham but like that to me was what was her joke it was a funny joke oh it was triple xx10 times you said you know you should you should use venmo right and uh yeah i, I guess people tried to come for it.

But that was more, I don't think that was, like, PC culture. That was crazy fucking XXXTentacion fans who were just, like, butthurt that they were making fun of her guy. But even someone like that, yeah, I guess it really isn't a matter of success or veteran, you know, number of years in the game. I feel like everybody kind of respects, like, you're trying to make people laugh. Well, you enjoy it. Let me tell you something.

You go to comedy clubs, you get the laughs, but the uncomfortable moments are the ones that really get our goosebumps. Like when people go, oh, you're like this. Oh, I got them. You know what I mean? And I'm not a guy that really pushes the envelope, but still, you still get those moments you're like, that was a good one. It's just like I always tell people, too. get those moments where you're like, that was a good one. It's just like

I always tell people too. A little bit of uncomfortability, right? You want to live there where it's funny, but they're like Sometimes you want the shock moments. Like on this one, and people that haven't seen it, I think it was when I was acting the episode of Power out, and then at the end

I put a little twist on it by who directed the episode. You know what I mean? That was the crowd went, Oh, and I was like, really? That got the, is that what you,

do you find that like for the most part, you know, when you're going to get like a big moment and it's rarely, especially when you're doing your special. Yeah. You kind of know at that point. Yeah. And I always say when,

when, when people try to come after comics and they have to issue an apology, we don't mean it. We don't. I mean, that's any apology ever. I don't think I've ever given a sincere apology in my life. I've done apologies to stop the fight, but I've never been like, what I did was wrong. Well, I got in a little trouble a couple years ago because I said the R word in my special

because I was talking about my cousin, which she is. And I had to go through this whole about my cousin, which she is. And I had to go through this whole thing. Wait, like literally is? No, she is. No, she is. It's not like she acts like it. She is. And

I didn't talk. I talked about her. My family member. So now I can't talk about my special needs cousin, my family, you know? I can't talk about her. I stay all night at her house. Stay all night at mine. You know what I mean? Something that ain't bad at three years old.

Yeah, I mean, it gets to the point where, yeah, of course, if you're doing something to be gratuitous or over the top or hurtful, sure. But we can't even approach the topic anymore. We can't even say the word or have a discussion about certain things. Well, I had to issue an apology, and I'm letting everybody know I didn't mean it, and my publicist wrote it. Because when I saw the apology, I said, I'm in the wrong line of work if I wrote that. I should be at the New York Times. That was the most thoughtful, well-thought-out, well-written apology I have ever seen in my life.

Let me ask you this. Let's say you had to issue it yourself. What would it have sounded like? Fuck. Sorry. You know what? Honestly, if I read that as a press release, I'd be like, that's pretty sincere. I would believe that one a lot more than the New York Times one.

You sound like Rob Gronkowski talking about that. Gronk was asking about his book once, and he went, yeah, I read some of it. Definitely closer to Ron Gronkowski talking about that. Gronk was asking about his book once, and he went, yeah, I read some of it. Yeah, yeah. If you were Rob Gronk. Definitely closer to Ron Gronkowski than a New York Times writer. I'll tell you that. I feel like, like you said, apologizing in general. Someone says, like, you always think you're right. It's like, of course I always think I'm right.

They're my ideas. Of course I'm going to agree with myself. I assure you I always think I'm right. Yeah. That's just how it goes here, right. They're my ideas. Of course I'm going to agree with myself. I assure you I always think I'm right. Yeah. That's just how it goes here, man. Especially with comedians. If we took the time to think out a joke and tell it on stage and work it and hone it, and then especially when it's on a special.

It's not like Hannibal and Tracy got caught up because somebody, in essence, bootlegged their show when they had to go through all their stuff. When you got somebody like me or Chappelle and everybody else, if they come after you, it's like that was a part of our special. That wasn't the first time we told the joke. I mean, you really got the A version of the joke. Yeah, right.

You worked through it. It was probably a lot darker at some point. Right. We just honed it up, so we don't mean it. If everybody's laughing in the audience, we don't mean it. Funny is king, right the audience. That's all that matters. We don't mean it. Funny is king, right? It's like as long as the joke comes across funny and the intent is to make people laugh.

But you go, I think people go to comedy clubs and comedy shows for the escape and for those awkward moments. Like, I can't believe you said that. Right. You love those moments. You know what I mean? You can get regular laughs on social media, like you said, or on TV here and there. But when you're within the walls of a comedy club, I think the whole point is to hear some shit that you never

thought you were going to hear. And what I found is the people that get mad, they were never coming to see you anyways. No. You weren't my fan. You were never going to pay to see me perform, so I don't really care what you think. Right. It's not affecting my pockets. At all.

You go to a live show and you send me a message Like I didn't like that I might answer that DM And try to talk You answer those I answer sometimes, good and bad I don't try to get in arguments I'm trying to get people to see

Because if you paid money to see me, you're a fan So they might say something I'll give you an example My brother passed away of a heroin overdose. A month after he passed away, Saturday Night Live did the whole heroin sketch. And people started hitting me up, like news outlets, like what do you think? Were you offended by that? And I go, I wasn't because I know that is how heroin addicts act.

And my brother would have laughed at it. Even as an addict, he would have laughed at it. So I was like this. They did not gary owens brother in the sketch they were like literally taking something tragic and making it funny so i wasn't mad at but people really want to be like yeah what do you think about that one you mad about that i was like no that's that's the worst of people try and force you into being mad like you should be mad about this like i'm not you can't force an emotion can't laugh at everything else and then unfortunately you have one thing that strikes a chord with you, and now you're offended.

It's like you've laughed at every other joke they've made, and you have this tragedy, but it's... And my brother would have laughed at it, because I was like, yeah, he acted like that. That's exactly what he did. Right. You know what I mean? Funny always plays, man.

And the new special is very funny. Doing What I Do is out now. You can go watch it. And Gary Owen, thank you. Showtime. Yeah, it's a funny special of all funny. Doing What I Do is out now. You can go watch it. And Gary Owen, thank you. Showtime. Showtime, yeah. Yeah, it's a funny special of all time. It is.

The best special you will ever see. All time. You guys heard of Tom Brady? Same thing. I love that. Yeah. Look at what you see In her face

The mirror of your dream make believe I'm everywhere give it in the light written on the pages is the answer to a never-ending story Ah Reach the stars Fly a fantasy

Dream a dream And what you see will be Sun and king their secrets will Bye. Soaring high