KFC Radio - The Wonton Don Tackled a Man on a Plane and Feits is Jealous Ft. Sam Tallent

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Smash Your Hunger With KFC’s Smash’d Potato Bowls For Only $3.49! Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:40 The Wonton Don tackled a man on a plane 11:31 Riggs' new hater series 15:58 Feits' dangling feet 18:10 Love is Blind 29:24 Video Voicemails 45:43 Sam Tallent Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ KFC: Smash Your Hunger With KFC’s Smash’d Potato Bowls For Only $3.49! Prices and participation may vary. Prices higher in AK, HI and third-party ordering websites. Buy one get one free offer only valid with order of regular Smash'd Potato Bowl (without nuggets) through KFC Account. Must add eligible item to cart and redeem offer before completing order. Customer responsible for all taxes, tips and fees. Cannot be combined with other offers. Limit 1 per transaction. BetterHelp: KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/KFC today to get 10% off your first month.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What did you, what did you, what, what, what, did I just get big-timed by ugly, dumb, drunk, doofus Jimmy? Ooh, baby! It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I played a little smashed potato bowl roulette. I got the one with the chicken. Oh, you dirty dog.

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and smash your hunger. Buy one smashed potato bowl for $3.49 through your KFC Rewards account and get one for free now. I've eaten more smashed potato bowls this year than I've eaten any other food. I mean, easily. It's a no-brainer. We got Sam Talent on the show today.

An absolutely unbelievable interview. He is one of the smartest dudes I know, period. Yeah. Let alone smartest comics. Just always a very insightful and thoughtful conversation with him. We got voicemails of course but let's dive into the deep dark brain of John Fidelberg it's not a deep dark brain

well yes it is you can't shake that one baby we've been lucky enough at Barstool to witness co-workers do all kinds of great things and get rich and win championships and have incredible success. Never in my life have I been more jealous of a coworker than I am today.

Of who? What happened recently? You might not know. The wanton don. A dream scenario. I've had this dream so many times. Oh, the best. Bro, I'm not even saying the plane part.

The plane part, yes. He lived out. I've had this dream to the extent that I went on Good Morning America in the morning after. And talked it out, yes. And in a barstool t-shirt. Yep. And had a drop of dropping one liner that goes viral wait let's explain if you're not familiar with the situation the wanton don uh donnie was uh flying out of albuquerque and on the plane a the dude sitting in the emergency row tried to open the door to the plane mid-flight, and him and a few other dudes, they went, let's roll on him.

And they tore him down. They duct taped him up. They put zip tie handcuffs on him, and they made an emergency landing and fed him to the police. Bro. It is. If I did that, if I was on a plane for something like this, I might then hijack the plane and take it down because my life's not getting any better.

I've done exactly what I want in this world. Yep. It's fucking amazing. What would you say on Good Morning America? Oh, I don't know if I had a line or anything like that prepared, but just like. Because you got to have a line, like you got to go viral. You got to have like, you know, something ready. You got to prepare yourself. I mean, but you got to live the situation before you prepare the line. You've got to go viral. You've got to have something ready. You've got to prepare yourself.

But you've got to live the situation before you prepare the line. You've got to let it be real. Donnie's just admitting he was buzzed already. He's going to get some tequila and Chinese food in my belly and have to get in a fight. Oh, God, dude. And there's nothing better than justified violence. Not one person on the plane would be like, stop, dude. And there's nothing better than justified violence. Yeah. Like, not one person on the plane would be like, stop, stop. They were all like, get him, get him.

And, like, he probably was. I imagine this guy was tripping. I think Donnie said that the man, he heard. He wasn't sitting right next to the guy. He was a few rows away. I think he heard that before the man lunged at the door, he just said something. I got to get out. I got to get off this plane.

And so he's probably tripping. He's probably fucked up somehow or whatever. Like, it's better to fight that guy than fight a terrorist. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This guy, while wildly dangerous and certainly a day ruiner for a lot of these people, I'm sure, was not, I think he was not in the right state of mind versus like, I'm trying to kill all these people.

Right. He didn't have, he wasn't on a mission from God. Who amongst us has not, you know, freaked out on a plane a little bit? He just went a little bit crazy. He went a little bit further. So. I mean, like, it's, I don't know if I'm saying it clearly enough. It is the dream I've had.

Your number one. For my life. Your number one dream. I remember when I first moved to New York, when I first started Barstool, I was 21, and I was like, if I – I was just trying to think of how to get bigger and stuff like that, and I was like, if I could get on a plane that was getting hijacked, and if I could stop that, and then in the morning plug Barstool,

Dave would be over – Then he'll give you a salary. He's like, Dave would be over the moon about this. Bro, I love that. And then in the morning, plug Barstool. Dave would be over the moon about this. Bro, I love that. It's like, what should I do? Should I write more blogs? Should I make videos? Can I do a podcast? No, here's what I got to do. I got to find me a hijacked plane.

I remember it so vividly. I was trying to think how I could get out of being the clicks guy. And the first thing I thought of was stop a terrorist attack. And fucking Donnie kind of got it. Yeah. I mean, who knows what would have happened? Yeah. Guy opens that door.

People get sucked out. There's deaths. Yeah. I mean, he is a hero. Not the first to point it out, but he Wahlberg'd it. Yeah. It wouldn't have gone down. It might have gone down differently had the wanton not been on that plane.

Bro, that is so nuts to think about, like, that split second where, like, someone's acting weird, and you're kind of like, wow, that's weird. And then they, like, reach for the door handle, and you're like, I've got to do's weird. And then they reach for the door handle and you're like, I've got to do something here. How far would you let it go? Probably to the door handle. Probably to the door handle. Otherwise, I'd just be like,

what else could you really do? I probably let him even pull it once. I was going to say, now there is part of me that's surprised that you wouldn't just be like, go ahead, it's fine, I got your back. I'll cover you. Pull this bitch down.

Not pull, but fiddle with it. What are you doing? What are you doing? What is he doing? What are you doing? And then once I see like a pull, I'm like, all right, all right, I see what he's doing now. I get it. Now, would you punch?

Would you go like full Nelson? Would you go headlock? I think Nelson? Would you go headlock? I think headlock is the first move. I think headlock. Because even a pull, you're going to be kind of like... I think you've got to almost go full Nelson and get his arms back. Yeah, true. Because you could put him in headlock and he's still reaching for the door handle.

You go up and over and he's just doing the wobble like this. That's a very good point. Do we see how big he was? Donnie has a picture from far away, but you can't really make out. He's walking up the steps, yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's on the lowest step. Right. He's a full-size man.

Yeah. But it's funny that it's like Donnie is the world traveler. He's just been, you know, ripping hoons and drinking turmys and smoking turmys and all that shit for years now. And it's a numbers game. Eventually. Yeah. Eventually you hop on a plane that's going to have a crazy. That's that is every man's dream.

And, you know, I would love to know. Like, I would probably end up being, like, the sixth guy in the pile. Like, yeah, get him, get him, get him. But I'd be the guy tweeting, yo, we took this guy down. Like, unless one of these guys pops up with their own Twitter account, he'd be like, I was there. He didn't do shit. Unless that happens, I'm going to be a fucking hero, man.

Dude, I'm so glad you used that word. Hero? Because that is sneaky. Somehow sneaky is my favorite part of this whole thing. What? Our boy Dante the Dizzy. What did he say? He had a tweet last night where he just said,

we have a real hero amongst us. Like to see ESPN try and compete with them. Oh, no. No, you didn't say that. We have a true hero amongst our ranks now. Would love to see ESPN try to beat that. He's such a dramatic dork. I replied, I was like, first thing I thought of

when I saw Donny Spears, ESPN doesn't have any heroes. Mind you, by the way, ESPN used to have a series called Heroes Among Us where they highlighted the veterans who worked for ESPN. So there's countless heroes who work for ESPN. It's just like there's – There were so many that executives were like, we need to make a show out of this. There's like 20 of you motherfuckers.

Let's put this on the air. So many veterans work for ESPN. That's hilarious. I guess Dante doesn't think veterans are heroes. I mean, there's not an ounce of sarcasm in that. Thank you, hero Donnie. We love you. What?

He's the best. He's the best. Nobody better than him. Love to see ESPN try and beat this. What are you talking about? Why are you bringing ESPN in? What does this have to do with anything? That is the most illogical shit I've ever seen.

Like, if I look at that story, see that tweet, look at those pictures, ESPN is like the one million thing on my mind. Fox Sports 1, maybe. But ESPN, I highly doubt it. Dante's thinking about fucking Skip Bayless or whoever's left over there being like, Nope, not them. Not them. Never change, Dante.

Unless you want to be normal. But for our sake, never, ever change. God damn. While we're talking about coworkers, I want to give a shout out i think to riggs riggs has uh started a new video series today called hater yeah uh very interesting uh riggs i hope you are getting so much money for this because to play and hang out with so this would be premises uh riggs it's one one thing. Things like this have existed throughout time where people meet their hater or confront their hater or have a conversation with their hater. I can't imagine it usually goes much more than a half hour to have to play a round of golf.

Is it a full round, like 18? I imagine it's at least nine. So you're at least spending multiple hours with this person. I've done this a couple times. We did the player hater ball on KFC Radio a long time ago. And then I had a guy on Mail Time. And both times, they lasted probably like an hour-long podcast. And heavens to Betsy, was it terrible.

I can't imagine. And I don't know to the extent of what kind of hater this person was. If he was just like, Riggs, I have a better swing than you. I guess that's one thing. if you're like a true blue even even that is like it even that you're still a fucking person i would not get along with right but like well you got to vet these guys in some regard because you don't have like a true crazy right yeah so like you think it's probably just someone who's like riggs your form sucks i know i'm better than you and i should be the head of foreplay right like okay let's fucking prove it then pal but that like a full round with him it i feel like in these stories it always comes down

to someone being like sorry man i was just bored at work or sorry man i just tried you know i just was just busting balls like one of the guys like 100 of the time comes out of that and like i do not i do not accept that i don't like yeah i don't i don't want to let him off the hook no it's like yeah like oh you're the only person who's ever had a hard job or a hard day. Like, it is. Again, all this is, it's all on a spectrum of, like, you know, you had a comment one time. That's one thing. I'm talking about, like, true blue trolls.

Yeah. Saying nasty shit. Sorry, I was sad in my life. I don't give a fuck. I'm sad all the time. I don't, like, take it upon myself to be fucking awful to other people. To strangers I don't know for no goddamn reason. Again, I want to be clear.

This guy might have been one comment. I don't know to the extent. But if he's doing this with the haters, what you think of when you think of a hater on the internet, Riggs, I hope you get $10 million per episode. Can we pause that real quick? Scroll back about five seconds.

A little bit more. I think there's like a specific Twitter threat right there. So, I'm a 9-4. I'll play you straight up for $1,000.

Whoever wins will get it. So this is more of like a challenge. Yeah. But it feels like it's a series. Yeah. So I don't know

where it will go. I'm sure there's going to be some fucking assholes out there. And I hope he gets gets a ton of money i hope he beats like all of them yeah he beats all of them and he's more charismatic than all of them and like has every single one of them go home going like oh fuck like i couldn't do that i couldn't beat him and i couldn't i wasn't funny and i and i wasn't entertaining fucking jerk offs i. I mean, yeah, I hate they all. The two times that I did it publicly and then a million times privately, any time I've replied back in any way, it's the immediate fold.

And it's like I'd almost respect it more if you were like, yeah, man, fuck you. Yeah. Because it's like I got hate in my blood. I got hate in my heart. I get it. Irrational hate happens sometimes. But it's the people who are like, shit, man, I didn't think you were going to see that. It's like, the fuck did you do it?

That makes you – that's what you get off on, you fucking asshole? Those are the people that I hate the most. At least stand by your words. So I wonder how many of these we do though where it's like the first – because like you said, it's not even necessarily like are you a troll that I hate. It's more just like I'm probably not one to like your style. Yeah, I'm just not going to get along with you. Yeah, and now I got to hang out with you for three and a half hours. That's fine.

That's who you are. Right. Not for me. I'm not going to be – I'm not going to enjoy the company of a person who spends their day online being like, ah, you fucking suck, whatever it is a troll would say. That's just good for you. Happy for you. That's not what I like.

There's just no way that's the kind of person I would like. No, not in no chance. So to spend four hours or two hours, however many they're playing, is – You know what? He's a real hero. Yeah. He's a real hero amongst us. That's why he's here, not ESPN.

The last thing I wanted to touch real quick. I still don't think you've seen this. Jackie, could you pull up your tweet in the airport? Yeah. I've thought a lot about this. Okay. Because it admittedly looks – Oh, sorry.

I realized Pat is on the computer. I... You with your feet dangling? Oh, my God. Dude. It's so funny. That's the most comfortable I've been in 10 years. I have...

Getting the weight off your feet? I have no regrets about that. I know it looks ridiculous. I'm about to ditch by the word, too. Oh, by the way, you can just confess that you were lying about that plane being delayed again you were just getting away from you can tell the truth you can tell the truth yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah whatever we had a really nice we had a really nice lunch dinner whatever time it was and the pad was like all right fight's going on i gotta get out of here and then we walk

to the gate and just's just sitting there. But that chair, the airports are tough. Because if I want to put my feet up, I don't want to take the whole aisle like an asshole. But the chair's not really big enough to recline, so I need a couple more inches. So I threw the bag out there. You said it was an ottoman almost. Yeah. And it was, boy, was it something. Look at you doing the dangle.

It's so fucking funny. I don't know if they do this on purpose, because it's a couple seasons in a row now, on my favorite show, Love is Blind. They put this guy in this chair the other day. I hope I still have it on my phone. It was absolutely preposterous. Where did this go?

Look how big this chair is what is that that's like we're trying to make these people look fools yeah yeah that chair is for giant people this guy's like a regular i'll send it to you this guy's like a regular fucking you know six foot something man and he's just dwarfed in these chairs. And they did it to some other guy last season. He was meeting the father-in-law, and they put him in a chair that gave him dangly feet. Imagine that. You're trying to meet the father

and ask for the hand in marriage, or you're just doing the Feidelberg dangle. Bro, that show, I did one minute, man, on it, and I showed you the new episodes are out tonight. As you're listening to this, they'll already be out. I'm so fucking gassed up for them, bro. Look at that fucking guy. It's ridiculous.

The Megan Fox chick, she goes, spoiler alert, they go back to her family, and it's like three other sisters. And she's like, tell them, tell them, who do I get? And one of them's like, Carrie Underwood. And the other one's yelling Megan Fox. And I was like, what is going on here? If you're not watching Love is Blind, there's this girl who told one of the contestants, in Love is Blind, you talk to somebody through a wall,

and then they propose to you sight unseen. And she said, now to be fair, she goes, I get somebody too all the time, and I don't really see it. And I think it's only because I have dark hair and light eyes. And all the guy heard and wanted to hear was Megan Fox. So he's just like on a one-way track because he wanted it to be true. But she did try to discount it as much as she could. But my God, you know, we're not talking about just like any old celebrity look like. You picked one of the most iconically attractive women of all time in a lie that you have to know. Just look at yourself.

You know, like you at yourself. You know? Like, you know that that chick is going to come to roost. And not only that, the girl she's in the love triangle with, which was known, it was known that they were both kind of going after the same guy, looks a lot like Megan Fox. So you're running around saying I look like Megan Fox when the other girl looks like Megan Fox and you decidedly don't now to be fair chelsea is being very cool and humble about it on the internet which kind of ruins all the fun because i want to be like is this bitch out of her fucking mind but everything

she's posted on instagram since has been like the internet is flaming me i've learned my lesson i'm never gonna talk about celebrity lookalikes ever again i'm almost hoping that in the new episode she's like drunk and obnoxious so that i can be mean about it because it's more fun that way but uh it's uh it is this guy jimmy reached out by the way um this motherfucker i i he i post the video he comments on on it. And he was like, wow, like KFC talking about me. He never thought I'd see the day. So I DM him and he says something like, oh, put me on Barstool. I'll give you guys like my first exclusive interview.

And I was like, cool, bet. Like, let's do it. And then he goes, well, who, like, who am I going to be talking with? I was like, fucking me, dude. And then he goes, all right, oh, I got to see if Love is Blind will let me do that. I was like, what did you then he goes and then he goes all right oh i gotta see if love is blind will let me do that i was like what did you what did i just get big time by fucking ugly dumb drunk doofus jimmy that's crazy fuck that guy's not coming on this phone no not anymore he's he's the schlubby francis is what he is he has a uh a terrible fade and he kind of has like

this francis vibe to him except except he's a goofy drunk. I shouldn't say drunk. He's definitely drunk in the one video, in the one episode. But yeah, as soon as I was like, yeah, me, he's like, oh, well, we got to see. That's crazy. Fuck off, Jimmy. That's insane. Fuck this guy.

Yeah, no, fuck this guy. That's insane. I don't know anything about these people, but I know I don't like this guy. Yeah, no, his shit's for the birds. The other girl, the super hot chick Jessica, is also, I don't know whether she just is like this level-headed woman or like she knows that the cameras are on and she's going to like, you know, make sure she comes off looking good. But I'm pretty sure every step of the way, she's like very level-headed in the most absurd

of circumstances. I can't even fucking imagine when that wall opens up and you expect megan fox and you see someone who doesn't look like a box and then you have the reunion has he seen her at this point no has he they've seen other no so there's this other chick ad she's a black chick baddie body like crazy they asked her how'd you get your body she goes jesus and squats girl uh and he's like all shit face with and and the megan fox lookalike is next to him and he's just like yo that girl is stacked it's just the most like ridiculous whacked out demented show you've ever seen.

And this cast is one for the ages. Anybody else, you're welcome to come on the show. Just fuck you, Jimmy. You schlubby Francis. But yeah, the second half of season six is now out. So even if you're not a reality, I'm not a huge Bravo guy. I'm not a huge reality show guy. I dabble in a couple of them.

This one is always like, there's the way they edit it. Some of these wackos, they are just, and then there's actually normal people too. I think there's actually a pretty decent hit rate on people who just got married. Really?

It's by like 15 20 percent but it's still like more than you know zero uh like there was a couple that met each other on this one and they're both very religious and they're both like waiting to have sex till marriage and they were talking about god and everything and they're just like at least as of right now maybe they those yeah that guy uh so i don't know uh i up until this point we've always proven on this show decidedly love is 100% not blind it's 100% people need to like

see you and be attracted to you but yeah if you're not watching give it a whirl because it is man I would love to get Jackie on love is blind Jackie would be so good on love is Blind. Jackie would be so good on Love is Blind. I would love to be on it.

Would you really? I mean, I've never watched it, so I don't know. You're weird. You'll pop up. Do you watch reality TV? Because you don't talk about it a lot, but then it comes up and you're like, I'd be on. Well, Love Island was your jam, right? Is that just because of reality TV, or do you know these shows?

I watched Love Island. You watched Love Island. And Vanderpump Rules and everything like that. Right, but you just got into Vanderpump, right? Yeah, I just got into Vanderpump,

but like Love Island, I strictly want to be in Love Island just because like, it looks like a good hang. Like, I just think it'd be fun to like. Well, this is just kind of cool too

because you, you go on quote unquote dates and you go into the pods, they call it, and you sit and you have like, they give you food and wine and shit and you just talk to someone through a wall for a few hours and then you go back to like your quarters where

it's like that's where the women and and the guys all hang so you kind of like hang with the fellas and go on these weird dates or you hang with the girls yeah yeah basically basically my seat right right right right that's exactly what i i but then you know then it gets competitive because you like realize you're going for the same girls. You stop hanging out and shit like that. But I could see you being a very good – like on the date, just getting drunk and asking weird questions and being like the girl's favorite back in the – when they're all hanging out. I mean if somebody can get me on Love is Blind, I will 1,000 percent go. Okay. All right.

That's my goal. I'm going to try to get you on Love is Blind. will 1000 okay all right that's that's my goal i'm gonna try to get you on love is blind they do it in cities though they like and i don't think they'd like come to new york they go like they did it in like uh north carolina and are all these people from the region i think so because they because they want you're supposed to get married so they have to make sure no you know if it's like yeah we live on opposite sides of the country like this is not going to work so they want people to actually get married so maybe they'll do one in New York

I'm just waiting there's going to come a day I've been saying this for six seasons now there's going to come a day where there's going to be a morbidly obese person or just a truly heinous person there's some sexy people but usually they're like

pretty normal and there's going to come, but usually they're pretty normal. And there's going to come a day where they've got some duds. And that wall's going to go up, and someone's going to go like, fuck. Like not be able to control their reaction. Can you be like, on a regular day, how many calories do you eat? Dude, one guy was like, so would I be able to lift you over my head? It was like, well, that's a pretty high bar. Lift you over my head?

Yeah, well, whatever he said. Would I be able to carry you or whatever? You're really not supposed to talk about. That's why this girl broke the cardinal rule by doing the celebrity lookalike thing. Other people have been like, so do you go to the gym a lot? Do you like, how much do you eat? Just basically being like, are you do you go to the gym a lot do you like how much do you eat like just basically being like are you fat or not be like by the way i'm crazy hot well so when the when the

guy officially picked the megan fox look-alike that that chick jessica finally flexed on him a little bit and i think she was talking about more like the full package, but she was like, you're gonna choke when you see me. And I think she meant more like just me as a woman, but I think a little bit of that was like, I've seen all these chicks, and I'm by far the baddest. And when you see this, he had told her, I have allergies,

I need to carry an EpiPen everywhere. And she said it was on the front of her mind because she was like, oh my god, I have to learn how to use this EpiPen if he's my husband, I have to know this. So it was on her head and she was like, you're going to need your fucking EpiPen to open up your airways when you see me. And I'm like, oh, you're goddamn right, dude.

So yeah, I'm on My Love is Blind shit. Follow along with me. I'll be making videos on YouTube and stuff about it in the next coming days. All right, Voicemails? KFC Radio is sponsored by BetterHelp. A common misconception about relationships is that they have to be

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Good news. I'm still seeing that girl, and things are going pretty steady. So heads up. if we do end up getting married it's going to be thanks to mostly you guys and putting that voicemail out there so everybody will get a wedding invitation i know kfc you're probably not going to come but feidelberg two words for you open bar you better be there um feidelberg is not even like missing signs at this point now i think based off of the last episode of the podcast, I heard he was just sitting there with a shotgun waiting to shoot them out of the air.

I mean, how often do you come here? Eh, kind of, uh, what team are we rooting for? Different teams. Boom. Just like boom, boom, rapid success out of the air as they are approaching him. So not even missing anymore anyways goes into my question so i drive through dc in the dmv traffic all the time right driving home today and i just got so frustrated with how it seems like nobody else on the road knows how to drive

anymore i feel like personally if i could just erase everybody's memory and teach them my way of driving traffic congestion a lot of accidents would stop and the world would just be a better place so my question to you guys is what's a certain thing or skill that you feel like if you could erase everybody's memory and teach them how to do it your way you would make the world a better place i know viva it's a great question airport security airport security I watch motherfuckers Freeze up At airports

And I get it Cause there There's They're constantly changing the rules Constantly changing the rules There is this Inherent If you have any sort of like

If you care about Anybody else Other than yourself You have this inherent like Anxiety Like I gotta do it quick I gotta do it fast I don't wanna bother

The people behind me You know You got a Load of people behind you You got assholes of people behind you. You got assholes just screaming at you. They're changing the rules. Sometimes it's this.

Sometimes it's that. They have different machines, all that shit. So there is, I do get why it's a panicky situation. But my Lord, I watch people just like, they're like that, that infomercial commercial guy. They just start fumbling everything and like just doing illogical shit. It is. Airport security security I get frustrated during But like I do have to try and remind myself Like you do this every week This is most people's like

First time flying a year Yeah And to be honest It's not really the people It's the system I mean we've talked about it before The multiple aisles don't work. Yeah.

They don't work. And then multiple trays, but the bags don't go in the trays. Sometimes the bags do go in the trays. But it's so weird. The rules do. I have people tell me I have to take my sweatshirt off. I have people tell me I don't have to take my sweatshirt off. I feel like I take my belt off.

The belt off shoes. I don't take my belt off. My watch. Not my watch. Dude, how about this? If you go to JFK, this happened to me since we've been flying so much. Literally, there's two podiums to get checked in. One, you only need to show your

ID. One, you need to show your ID and your boarding pass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's based on the machine. He's like, that machine over there doesn't need your boarding pass. It's like the scanner. The x-ray thing. I was like, what is that about? So, I mean, I said this over the weekend i

don't know if you guys i just you know america needs to get over it and just just get over it you know what i'm talking about get over it just relax it's not happening again so leave the shoes on leave the belts on uh let me fly with a bottle of water yeah i don't get any of these things i don't get any of these fucking things. And the world would be a better place. But that's – and I guess maybe my answer would be more – it's not erasing because it's new enough. There just needs to be tutorials on how to use the self-checkout.

And that's another one. Oh, yeah. That's another one where the fucking machine sucks. Sometimes – I'm talking about the grocery store. Sometimes you scan something and you have to put it down on the thing and then if you move it it thinks that you're like stealing it sometimes you don't have to put it there so we gotta we gotta have uniform standardized uh checkouts but man these people are like just so slow and they they don't just like have a bag ready put it into the bag on top of the thing. It is crazy.

That's kind of a similar thing to CSI. Like what we just did to old people is insane. They must be. We just ruined the world. Like ruined their world. Yeah. Like because I still – it's not necessarily the human interaction I like. I don't really care one way or the other with that.

But like I don't like using self-checkouts. I just – it's not necessarily the human interaction I like. I don't really care one way or the other with that, but I don't like using self-checkouts. I just... It's not smooth for me. I'm not smart enough. Whatever it may be, I don't care. So if it's an option of there's an open self-checkout or wait two people and you go to regular checkout, I'll usually wait. Those don't exist anymore.

Like, even that's like there's just no... All those turnstiles or whatever you want to call them, those are just full empty. You got to use self-checkout. And I'm referring to, like, the Walgreens and the CVS I go to. But, like, to expect some octogenarian to just walk in and be like, you have to check yourself out is crazy. It's crazy.

How about the, this is only in airports I've seen it. I only got into one. Have you done like the no checkout at all because you check in? Yes. That's wild. That was pretty sick. That's an Amazon thing? Amazon, yeah.

Yes. I used to just go to Vegas for the first time. Yeah, me too. Me too. You scan – I think I scanned my phone actually or my card. Yeah, I probably did a tap. But then you're in the store, and you take whatever you want, and then upon walking out, I don't know,

infrared easy pass scans you. There's got to be a way to steal shit out of that, though, right? I would certainly think so. I'm picturing if you throw things out of it. You go over the kids. It's like you're trapped in there. It's just like, come on. Did you really have to steal that bottle of water? Like you go over like the – it's like entrapment. It's like come on. Yeah.

Do you really have to steal that bottle of water? I would say using the tap. I'm a tap god. Like the – and it's actually crazy. Using it anywhere outside of New York, people look at you like you're a wizard. Oh, yeah. Dude. I still don't do it

I'm still like old enough that I'm like do you have it do you have it it's like everybody has it you know I like assume everyone here does

in Arkansas they were like what are you talking about they almost what the fuck was that black magic how did you just pay for that well that's another thing

on my pleasant I think they thought I hacked the computer and it just said approved they were like what did you do? Did you text it? On my presidential platform, the main thing, whether we want to do that or whatever it is, uniform. Like, let's just make tapping.

Rip out all the ones that require insert. Definitely rip out the ones that require swipe. Everything to tap. Yeah. And then everything should be a phone. But, you know, whatever. Some people have different phones or you're old enough. You got to at least still have credit cards.

But all of it is a tap. Let's make that just – Getting on a subway, I don't break stride. Like people who like stand there and fumble through their bags and stuff like that. The second I start going down the stairs, my phone's out and I'm ready to go. That is a great one. And that was one even before like you should have had your MetroCard ready. I used to be able to, like, I could hit my MetroCard swipe on the run.

You know what I mean? Like, it's just anything that you do. I guess you're right, like, with traveling. Sometimes, like, this is your commute. But, like, everyone in New York is commuting. Yeah. So it's not like, oh, this is your first time. Maybe there's some tourists here and and there anything that you do like repeatedly

you gotta be able to fucking let's go you know i do feel that way with driving sometimes uh just like little things when it's like you know bro how'd you not run that yellow light you know you gotta run the yellow light because like we're in traffic and now we're gonna block the box yeah you know shit like that it's just like how did that not trigger in your brain the i saw it's so funny it's like an older tweet that got retweeted it was like someone who's in therapy watching me cut them off on the highway like take it easy i'm sure he has a reason maybe his wife's in labor or something like that. Me. Me.

I'm the king of the highway. That's true. What about – I mean I could maybe say the internet. The internet? I'd maybe like to reprogram everyone on how to use the internet correctly. I would say I'm not good at it anymore. And I would say that's a long time coming. I would say that's probably like – I think you still sell yourself short.

Like I was watching some of my friends post – first of all, on Facebook. My friends are on Facebook. Yeah. I don't know if I told this on the podcast, but one of my friends, he was like, oh, my birthday. Somebody hacked my Facebook and changed my birthday to today and it's a nightmare right now and i was like you sound did they did they change your birthday to like 1896 because you are fucking ancient the fact that you even knew that and the fact that that is somehow impacting your life that this is like oh no people are happy wishing me happy

birthday on my wall or i don't even know what that fucking is anymore. But beyond that, I saw a guy post on Facebook and it was like four photos and it was like he checked in at the restaurant and wrote like great dinner with my wife, like tagged it and da, da, da. And it was like a picture of them and their food. And I was just like, oh, you're old that i'm still because that i don't even count as the internet that's just like socializing like it's socializing on the internet but the internet itself i don't think i've ever been particularly good at i'm like finding things or yeah no i agree with that we are we are like i just walked out moments ago To the office and just like announced Asking them like is there an app

That can have someone pick something up for me Grandpa Fidelberg over here and the answer is no by the way What do you mean pick something up for you I needed to get a Costume and they were like I like I checked TaskRabbit TaskRabbit didn't do it I was like I don't like Instacart goes there like I just want

Someone to go to a store that's not a regular store. You need slave labor. There really should be an app for I just have something to be done. Right. And it's not a specific thing that falls within the purview of these other apps. I just need a human that can go somewhere right now and do a couple things. Go pick up my kids for me um i i bet you there's like the top one percent who can like like i'm watching these these sora videos and uh and the chat gpt prompts

and stuff and i'm like i should probably be learning how to use yeah that's what i mean like all that stuff like i count that as like internet and like i don't know like like coding and like yeah well coding is i think like another extreme but like these chat gbt ai prompting sora things are like very easy and i'm like i should i don't it's not very apparent to me yet but like there's a way that this is going to help like if i if we implemented this so i should just like read about this and try to figure it out and i'm just not gonna do it and then there are other people who they're always that already you know it's inherent to them or they are first in line but i think like there's those guys like then there's us and then there's like all of society so i think you're still pretty far ahead that's the fact that you could like

navigate through all the social media apps more or less yeah yeah you know how to find your comments you know how to find your comments. You know how to find your this, that, that, that. You'd be surprised how many people are like, ugh. Yeah. I'm Oscar Steen in the locker room being like, I don't think I'm really that good at hockey. Yeah. It's like, well, you're on the Bruins, dude.

Trust me. You're good enough. But judging by the world, yes, in this locker room, no, you're right. We just put you on waivers. But generally speaking, Jackie, what's one thing you would change? Or, you know,

how the question's prompted. What's one thing you think you do better than everyone else? If you could erase their minds and reteach them to do it your way, you think, I mean, obviously singing,

but you know. At least singing. Shit. Showering, too. i'm a great shower speed quality speed quality i get in get out um my my whole morning routine i'm like and i do a lot i think some guys are like i just get dressed and put on water like like i take a shower and i don't dry off i put on – I do a little skincare. I put on – and like everything is like seven minutes. Showering is – if you need to, can be done in like 60 seconds. Yeah.

Like if you furiously rub the soap all over your body, shampoo your hair, wash your face, like it can be done. But then I'm so smooth with like getting out and like while this dries i'm doing this thing and while that dries i'm doing this sure i put on pants because those are dry and then yeah like i'm very bing bing bing bing yeah no no that's that's a good one as well because it is i think i said this on the bracket recently where like it was it was like it was like the red flags for girls thing and it was like taking forever and like i always used to kind of roll my eyes at that at like you know like like the standard sitcom trope kind of deal and then like as i get older and i'm with

women yup and i'm like i'm not saying anything right now but I can see three years down the line. This is going to drive me fucking bothering me. You knew what time we had to be ready. Yes. And now you're yelling at me. Like you didn't know you had to put makeup on. Yeah. And there's just wasted time.

You know, it's like, I understand you have to do a whole other thing with your makeup, but like while your makeup's on, you should be doing while you're doing this and trying that you should be doing this. They don't think of that. I'll be like i'm gonna go to the gym you want to start getting ready right and like and it's about the right time that's a real thing yeah like crazy you got

anything um i think everybody should learn how to like there should be like tell a story class because these are great two great storytellers right here but like you should have it almost should be like a part of your elementary school. It's like nobody cares but the first probably minute and a half you're telling the story. Just get to that point. Get rid of the unnecessary details. You don't need the setting surrounding it all. You don't need what day was it, what year was it.

Not how you were feeling. Just get to the part that people go, oh, shit. That's a great one. There's a line in Veep when – what's his name? Vernon? The guy who's the dictator of Georgia. And he's talking to – Selena's talking to the woman. And she's like, the way he tells a story, it has a beginning and a middle and an end.

And a beginning. And he's got some humor sprinkled in it and it makes it kind of enjoyable to listen to you might want to remember that most stories have a beginning middle and then a beginning they start over again and I'm like wait why are we back at the

I'm all over the place I mean that's so bad but you have your own unique way. You have your charm with it. You see people laughing throughout it. No, I got to stop saying like too. On the podcast, I just get nervous. And when I edit myself, I'm like, I'm so annoyed.

No, I mean that's pretty standard. Yeah, everybody kind of goes through that. You do get better at that as you go through reps. Yeah, right. You do just realize the ones that are necessary and the ones that aren't. That's the number one answer, though, the tell story. That's it right there. That's the whole world to be better.

Oh, and I want the whole world to go to sleep, men in black them, all the producers and cameramen of the world, and do it how Pabst does it. Oh, yes. Not how I do it. I don't know how to do it how paps does it oh yes not how i do it i don't know how to do it but the the amount of time that we would have saved over the last 15 years shooting and reshooting scenes everybody here does a great job but it's one of those things where it's almost like we looked behind the curtain and saw like how the wizard does it you know what i mean it's like wait we don't have to reshoot it 17 times. We don't need to move this one inch to this way or resay it with one extra word or one less word.

Like, it just works. Oh, man, that was a real eye-opener. That was a red pill moment or whatever. You wear a 3XL well. That's very nice of you to say. It's my only option. You know what? Thank goodness for that.

You know what you are? You're like if you took a box and you drag the corner up so everything gets bigger. You're not wide. You're not a freak too tall. Everything is just big. I have human force perspective. I'm both very close and far away at the same time. Yeah, yeah.

I do, dude. I've been wearing a lot of just like black sweatshirts. That's always the way. So I just kind of look like my head's been implanted. A void. Anytime we got on stage to do a live podcast, lo and behold, both of us would walk out of the hotel room or meet at the elevator or whatever all in black every time. Of course. That's the rule, man.

I'm confident in black, man. I'm like, I want to wear shorts. But then people were like, oh, he's the shorts guy. i was like i know more shorts yeah that's a whole thing for a while for a while where it was a lot of shorts it was like a very petty rebellion well because women would wear whatever they wanted and i was always envious of that yeah we had to wear like a hoodie in like jeans yeah right i was like i look better in shorts because I don't have that just block man. Yeah, you get a little bit of... There's some delineation. One time, Akash performed at one of our shows,

and he came right from something that was in shorts, and he was like, I'm so sorry, dude. I don't want you to think I was taking this unprofessional. I was like, I would never have even known it was a thing. Now I very much do. This was years ago, but I understand that people are like, whoa, shorts. I'm like,

you're about to get on stage and talk about your toe dick, but you're like, oh, no shorts, no shorts. God forbid they show any ankle. It's very Victorian in that way. But yeah, it was a big thing back in the day

because if you show up in shorts, all the old heads would be like, this guy doesn't give a shit. Right. It's a disrespect. Yeah, but it's like Sinatra's dead. Let's live a little bit. Yeah, it's like we all used to go to baseball games with a fucking suit and tie and a hat.

Don't do that anymore. Fucking relax. I'm not going to the Kentucky Derby. Yeah. I'm doing your open mic. Nice to see you guys. Thank you. A pleasure to see you.

You are one of the gems, babe. Thanks, man. You are really one of them. You know what I really love? The special is out, Toad's Morale, on YouTube. It's just, it sounds different i think we uh i shouldn't say we because i'm not really in the comedy world but i think the comedy world kind of got a little one-dimensional for a little while there it was like every for a couple years it was like every joke everything opened with a covid joke and everything went to trump

and and even the cadence and the style and some of these things i was and maybe it's just because there's a lot more comedy and you start to just watch more specials and you're like boy a lot of these people are similar whatever it may be that the whole thing sounds different you know you're kind of maniacal yeah you're you seem extreme you seem extremely comfortable on stage where it's like you know i'll tell you what to laugh at and what not to laugh at and all that shit where i think i'm sure you get that from zillions repetitions but it's also just the style of like it's this is not you know we're not in kansas anymore i feel like that that special is a very you're like whoa what are we talking about now what did you say and you know yeah i, my whole curse is that I like funny comedy,

which is not important anymore. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. I watch a lot of comedy, and I'm like, where's the jokes? Yeah. And I definitely wanted to do, I wanted to kind of, I told my friends, I was like, I'm going to try and do a Skankster of the Memories style, just jokes.

Like, David Tell's Skankster of the Memories, that's the best comedy album ever, in my opinion. Not that I'm at all close to it, but I was like, I just want jokes, I want it to be a party record, I want people, I don't want them to think. God forbid they're thinking. Yeah, yeah.

If you want your comedy to make people think, you should hang yourself. You know, when they say, you guys are the modern day philosophers. Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? What? No. For sure not.

Dude, if I ever say that, please just take a brick. Left temple, right temple. Make sure the job is done. You guys can have my hide. Lay me down on the ground. What do you think it is about comedy that makes people eventually think that? I feel like that is the endgame a lot for older comedians where it is like i am the wise one yeah they start taking being a clown very seriously i don't know dude

literally clowns do you think of it as like do you think almost like like how a regular person thinks about their dad like god i hope i don't end up like that one day like are you like is it an active thing that you avoid like i don't want like or not avoid but worry that might come unbeknownst to you i don't think it's just gonna strike in the night i don't think i'm gonna get a tick bite and all of a sudden i'm wearing sunglasses on stage i just think that um a lot of people start taking it really seriously and they forget like the stuff that they loved about comedy which is just making people laugh yeah then they have this whole warrior poet ethos yeah it's like i have a theory too i think with this little golden era of of comedy uh at least business yeah you know i don't know about

the the content per se but the amount of money people are making and the amount of fame they are getting and the followers they garner and a lot of them i'm sure people have haters but a lot of them are just like dick riders. And like, that's so brilliant. That's so funny. That's so smart. And you start to eat your own. The emperor has no clothes.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like the, every time somebody says anything, it's like, yo, that was deep. And it's like,

oh shit, he's spitting up. Yeah. It's like, it was, you know, you go, if you go one half step further than the average thought,

average mind, people are like, whoa, you know? I was at a show once. It's probably the comedian we're all thinking of right now. I'm not thinking of any comedian. Everyone you're thinking about is my friend. I don't know what you're talking about, man. We're all avoiding saying voldemort's name but he was like like like objectively speaking he was putting on a bad show he was hammered drunk

and and i'm sure he would tell you he was like i was fucked up and that show sucked yeah and there were guys in front of you being like tell him him, Dave. Yeah. Like, it was like, I was with some friends. We were like, he's just shit-faced, like, mumbling. Yeah. And he still had so many people that were like, this is unbelievable. Yeah. He literally couldn't speak. He was hammered drunk.

And again, like, I have no problem with that. Like, whatever. You got fucked up. You missed the show. Have a couple. Yeah. But it was like. You idiots don't care.

I guarantee if you'd asked Dave, he'd be like, yeah, that was terrible. Right. But like the amount of people in the room that were still like, this is – were listening to a God speak was crazy. Yeah. I mean, I think – I've always said for a while that it's still sports is like king. Of course. And then right beneath that is comedy and like who your favorite comic is is kind of like who your favorite athlete is and yeah and also like

really uh if you tell someone do you like a comic it's like telling someone you like it's your favorite band yeah yeah a lot of who you are wrapped up personality someone yeah yeah and it's like it's not only who you like it's who don't you like are you with this click or that click for sure and if you don't like them and somebody tells you he's like fuck that you know it's not only who you like, it's who don't you like. Are you with this clique or that clique? For sure. And if you don't like them and somebody tells you, you're like, fuck that. It's a very competitive thing almost, even for the fans, that all of a sudden it becomes who's smartest, who's making the most, who, all the, you know.

All the stuff that has nothing to do with being funny. Yes, with jokes, which is funny. So, but it sucks that like i mean obviously you want to be successful you want to be rich you want to be you know i mean you can be successful without being rich i think you want to be like satisfied with the work you're putting out i think that's very important sure but then but also you want to be rich right well i'm not opposed to a big bag of money you know that's uh but Oh, you can certainly be successful without being rich, yeah. Well, I think that you can't be monetarily successful, I guess.

But I think just a lot of people forget that the point of the whole thing is to put out something that people can not have to think about their lives for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour. When I'm on stage live, it's like I want them never to be like, damn, we got a babysitter for that. Yeah. Like, I want everyone to be like, that was worth the time and, like, energy and effort that I put into it. Yeah. I think that that's, like, kind of forgotten about when you get to arenas, you know, and you've got, like, flaming t-shirt cannons. Right, right, right. What I can say for, with, you know, obviously all of this is up to your own opinion, but it feels like every word was kind of crafted in this special. There was no lost, like, that part sucked or whatever.

That was just a long setup. It was just laughter throughout. No, a long setup is terrible. No, it should be a joke every 15 to 20 seconds. Right, right. Yeah, you want them to throw up. That's all I want. That's the right thing.

You can move them to vomit. You've done a really good job because it is a job it's not an art people comics think it's an art form it's a craft you're only allowed to get one response in art you can make people whimsical or sentimental or sad or happy they have to laugh or you blew it right make them laugh right right not that cool yeah yeah this isn cool there's nothing cool about stand up I got into stand up it was for drifters that's where you get that's where I think this whole discussion comes from

it is cool it is cool when I see a comedian kill to me it's the same thing as watching somebody dunk or hit a fucking home run where I'm like I wish I could do that so that inherently is like cool well that's the thing is a lot of people think they could do that yeah people don't think that tomahawk 360 from the free throw right but they are like oh i'm like funny at the office this guy's not doing shit that i couldn't do

but i didn't have this bag over here weighing me down and the fucking kids at home god why are we even fucking here? They're having that war in their mind the whole time you're on stage being like, my penis stinks. It's golf,

sex, and comedy. Three things that people think they can do. And probably, you're not good at it. No. Definitely bad at golf.

I think I'm more creative at sex. You're more creative at sex? I try and do a good job in there. I really want the club to have me back, you know? We sell a lot of drinks. How'd we do out there? Because I have a very strict contract.

I'm only allowed to work one club. One club. Until that club finds my body. It's a small club. You don't want an arena. You want it to be tight. 50 people max. That's it.

On college night it gets messy in there. We give away a lot of tickets. People barking for her. Barking for that club. Man, that's good. That's funny shit. Yeah, man. See, this is fun. Man, that's good. That's funny shit.

Yeah, man. See, this is fun. We're having a good time. We're not talking about like – This is also another realm, very similar, where all of a sudden – I think we've done a good job here. No, I'll say we did. I don't even think –

I think we did a good job here of really staying in our lane. Yeah. A couple times here and there when society was at a fever pitch, and it was almost like if you're not talking about this topic, you're just burying your head in the sand, we would touch upon it, but probably in an ignorant and stupid and funny way. Yeah. I know how, baby.

Yeah. That's what we do best. Well, you guys are excellent broadcasters, too. You know what I mean? It helps that you're likable dudes who you want to have a beer with, but also you guys are really good at your jobs. Yeah, I mean, if you talk enough. I'm not lying.

I don't know about these characters. They're going to shoot past us. But once people start to use your platform, fuck you. Yeah, I don't like that. First of all, I don't even like the word platform. And second of all, I'm going to use it how I want to use it, you know? I know. I have these meetings with my agents, and they say the word landscape four times.

And I'm like, what are we? Are we gardeners? What are we talking about? That was ammonia. I don't even know that one. What are they saying about the landscape? Like the current landscape, you know? How are we going to get the ball onto the green?

It's like, I play Frisbee golf in the landscape. Like the current landscape, you know, how are we going to get the ball onto the green? It's like, I play frisbee golf in the woods. Yeah, there's no landscapers out there. That was another thing I noticed that you were describing, it was just a,

you know, a character, maybe yourself. Oh, it was your father. Yeah. And, you know,

you're like, he's combing his ponytail while he thinks about his disc golf and you painted the picture so well thanks what was it you your mom was giving birth in a fucking abandoned barn in the barn i mean the whole thing is just like oh wow that's what i mean you know it's not just like uh it's just there's it was more intricate where it's like i it was a whole i'm envisioning a woman giving birth in a barn right now to a baby that's been in womb for 15 months.

You painted that picture very well. I love you. You're my favorite. Thanks, man. I believe the kids call this glazing. I think we're glazing. Just being sincerely nice to people. This guy's glazing his ass.

That's how toxic masculinity works. It's like, oh, you said a nice thing? You're so gracious. You're so fucking funny. And you're so talented. And you're talking about painting a picture. I feel like we're talking about how good you are at that. And I'm like, yeah, obviously you are.

You wrote fucking Running the Light, which is an insanely good book. Thanks, man. And it led to one of my more awkward interactions with an aunt. Oh, yeah. We were just talking about books over the summer. And Cormac McCarthy came up. And I remember Cormac McCarthy is mentioned in one of your poll quotes. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, you got to read Sam Town Running the Light. And my aunt's like very buttoned up and all this shit yeah and she's like it's really great writing a little crude for me and i was like i hadn't put together i was like oh yeah this whole thing is incredibly fucking crude yeah for sure and that guy is just a you know raging bulgarian he's an id he's just trying to feel something so he's not alone with his thoughts yeah i mean and also i was smart in that book i put some fistfights in there i put some three ways in because like i didn't think you know people who read uh you know ann pruill were gonna pick up my book right you know i wanted to sell it to dudes who love to stay in your lane a little bit right if you like shine down this is the book for you when you wrote that book yeah

how much of the comedy in it were you like fuck i wish this was mine i wish i used this on stage or did it did any of you did you use any events when he has the big break to like he loses his mind at a point in the book and he's like actually being sincere up there and like talking about his actual life instead of doing crowd work with blind people or whatever uh that stuff some of that stuff was in my act way back in the day back in there but a lot of that stuff. Because I was reading it thinking, like, God, this is so funny. Thanks, man.

And I was hoping it was used. Well, the trick with that, that was the part I was most scared of, was writing the stand-up for the book. Because it's really hard to be funny in the written word. And I knew comics were going to read this book. And that guy had to be, like, this road dog who's kind of hacky, but also very good at stand-up from doing it for 30 years. So trying to make it sound, like, real in that way,

I was like, comics are going to read this and think he's, like, trying too hard or he isn't hacky enough. And I'm really happy that people thought it was accurate to him. Yeah. But, I mean, dude, I've seen some people do some, like, versions of those bits, like dudes at meat raffles, you know, in, like, severe North Dakota.

Severe. Oh, yeah. Like, we used to do, like, oil mining town, or, like, when they would have a boom town and they'd find petroleum somewhere in like severe North Dakota. Severe. Oh, yeah. Like we used to do like oil mining town or like when they would have a boom town and they'd find petroleum somewhere in the Dakotas, they would have, you know, a tough shed city built within two weeks and they'd be a comedy show like right away. Yeah. Because some vulture would be like, oh, there's a new city. Yeah.

I'm going to get $800. Yeah. Yeah. And they send me up there. I drive 12 hours to show up there. There's a prime rib dinner in front of the stage. There's people literally like going up to get meat while you me up there. I drive 12 hours to show up. There's a prime rib dinner in front of the stage. There's people literally going up to get meat while you're up there. That's fucking great.

No, it wasn't. Not for me. It was good for them. Yeah. But that's like, I mean, that's got to suck in the moment. But I feel like. It makes you good at stand-up. Yeah, yeah.

It's like if you're making those people laugh or you can you know captivate that room yeah that is is such a like every comedian obviously in their crowd represents them and your special totes morale is shot in cincinnati and i think i think you say it fairly soon into it but not not right away and but by the time it comes up i I was already like, that's Fort Collins. Oh, yeah. You have your whole audience is like, that's Colorado. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's just I find the people who look like Coloradans who come to the shows. And now the show, it's crazy because like Barstool has been so good to me. Gillis has been so good to me.

But I come from like, you know, the alt comedy situation and they read my book and there's people who like books who come. And I have this confluence of also like stanhope people there so the venn diagram that's in that room they would never hang out in real life right there's a lot of dudes with zintans and backwards white hats and then like women with like you know uh like homemade sweaters who are holding my book and like trying not to cry and i'm like you guys would never be this close unless you were on the bus right if you were escaping the apocalypse on the last pod that's the only time you guys and i like, you guys would never be this close unless you were on a bus. If you were escaping the apocalypse on the last pod, that's the only time you guys would be together. And I like that. If you can make all of them laugh, you've done a good job.

The merch line is crazy. You should see the merch line. It's dudes in like Snorlax beanies. And then there's just like a guy and like, you know, I get a lot of like just very young men who are there to have a bunch of beers. But then at the end, they're like, you're pretty fucking smart, huh? Like I tricked them. You use a lot of big words, man. What's versamilitude, man?

Yeah, it's fun, you know? The vocab does stand out, too, though. It makes a difference. You don't want to sound pretentious up there. No, and that's a fine line. Trying to use words like the tools they are. You have to use the words that you use. Right.

I think even if you have a bigger vocabulary than me, whatever, I think I could still see if that's a word you use often or not, just by the way, you know. You could also, like, with your appearance, it's almost more endearing. It's like, that medieval creature. Oh, yeah. Oh, the mountain speaks. He came down from the bell tower.

He renounced his sanctuary for this? Esmeralda's going to be pleased. Like, if you looked like Schultz, you'd be like, fuck this guy. Oh, for sure. Well, that's the good thing. If I was handsome, this wouldn't work at all. That tall man in the go bananas sweatshirt sure can't talk dude we were editing the special i just kept looking at how yellow

my teeth were the whole time it's like fuck dude and then my director was like that works for your whole thing you know you're like a creature right i'm not breaking it to you You're like a monster Okay We were doing that with a buddy Who was bald I might get hair transplants And we're like dude you can't get hair transplants So your whole charm is You gotta be ugly

Be the ugly dude You're a dripping pig What are you doing How are we going to do shots off your head I had a buddy who's like 400 pounds. He's like, yeah, I got to lose some weight. You don't see a lot of old, fat people. Like, yeah, but you're so funny, dude.

Whose gut are we going to draw the target on? You don't see a lot of old, fat people. When he said that, I was like, I take back to that thing. Maybe you should lose weight. I'd like you around, but boy, am I going to miss that extra jiggle when you come in. Yeah, no, for sure, dude. Well, that's why you're the chubby behemoth, right? Right, dude.

It works well. Dude, speaking of that, did you see, kind of went viral-ish the other day, Charles Barkley's nicknames. The round man to rebound. Yes, that one of course. But he had so many and they were all just fat shaming.

It was for Wad. People don't realize that Charles Barkley was like 6'4". 6'4 power forward. Who somehow would pull up 30 rebounds a game because he was just Barkley was like 6'4". Yeah, yeah, yeah. 6'4 power forward. He's built like me. Who somehow would pull up like 30 rebounds a game because he was just fucking, you know. His head shaped like a Tokyo Dome, you know. I'm going to find it.

You know, when you think greatest power forwards of all time, everybody's like 6'10". Oh, for sure. This dude was in the fucking trenches. When I think greatest power forward of all time, I think Theo Ratliff. What a pull that is. Hey, man, the poor man's Rodman. Yeah, that's a great pull. There's something about just throwing out old sports names. You just go, oh, yeah, I remember him.

Have you seen the stat lines for Rodman back in the day? Crazy. It'd be like zero points, 42 games. You know what is interesting, though? Go ahead. You'll be interested in this. Charles, so this is from his basketball reference or whatever. These are his nicknames.

Sir Charles, obviously. Round Mountain Rebound, of course. The Chuckster. The Chuckwagon. The Prince of Pizza. The Incredible Bulk. The Leaning Tower of Pizza. Bread Truck.

Boy Gorge. Love Boat. Food World. Food World. The Crisco Kid. Wide Load from Leeds. Ton of Fun. The Good Time Blimp.

The Auburn Blob. Dude, I'll tell you right now, Boy Gorge is great. These are all just rejected names from my last special. And also, these weren't like that list. A couple of those are just a thing that a guy at Checkers called him once. Yeah. It's not like they're stuck. Brady always had one on his that I forget.

What's his name? Brendan Jones? What was the – he was like a DN from Florida. I forget his name. He was like – oh, no, it's Tom Brady. He brought up the fact that it was on Tom Brady's. The Pharaoh. The Pharaoh. No one's ever called Tom Brady the Pharaoh.

I've seen a couple of those in the NBA too. It's just like, no. That happened once. That's like Tom's like, have you heard that people are calling me the Pharaoh? That's crazy. That would be nuts if it, have you heard that people are calling me the Pharaoh? That's crazy. That would be nuts if it spread around the locker room, huh, guys? Nobody do that. I would really not like that.

I'd be so bummed. They're also calling me Huge Dong Tommy? What? I don't know where they get this. That would really piss me off if that stuck. In regards to Rodman, I was carmelo on his new podcast 7 p.m in brooklyn with mellow and the kid muro and um and he was talking about how he gets kind of like backhanded compliments as being the best scorer of all time and he's like everything else

in the world if you specialize in something you do it really, really well, it's heralded. And he went on to talk. He was like, if you make the best pancakes in the world. He left sports altogether. But like Dennis Rodman, it was okay that he scored zero points, but he put up like 35 rebounds. And he was like, people are like, Hall of Famer, you want that on your team. And then if you're a scorer, pure scorer, for some reason that's regarded as selfish or not complete. Lazy.

Lazy. Team player. And I think the answer to that is that when you are on that level, it leads people to think that you could do all of it. So maybe there's an incompleteness to it, but he's kind of right. It's like if if you know if you're a point guard you have two points and you know 17 assists you did your job if you make the best mozzarella cheese in the world and people are like well he doesn't do parmesan you know

yeah so it's like and also you love those guys on your team it's like offensive linemen like offensive linemen you never know their name either like oh they never touch a ball yep but they're such an integral part to the game. But they're not sexy. Scoring is sexy. Diving and crushing a photographer when you're down by 10 for a board. That's cool, but you're not going to fuck that guy. So don't you think sexy should be like, he got a lot of heat for doing the sexiest thing. It's because girls don't know what rebounding is.

No, I mean mellow. I've known a couple who are on the rebound. Come on. Girls rule. Got him. thing it's because girls don't know what rebounding is no i mean hello i've known a couple who are on the rebound come on girls rule got him yeah the i i remember when i played i played like one year of peewee football and i was bigger and they put me on the offensive line of course and i remember our coach i i was probably in sixth grade and he was was like, right here, boys. If you want girls, you're in the wrong place. He's like, you're going to be in the gutter. You're going to be grinding. You're going to be in the mud. That was what he was saying.

No one's going to know your name. This is not the sexy job. And I remember in sixth grade sitting there being like, dude, I don't want to do it. This is not the way to pitch. No. Say we get to hit other people. Lead with the sugar. Right, yeah.

Say you're tough at least. You're never going to know a human vagina. You're never going to see a boob. Yeah, you're going to die alone. But, hey, the boys are going to be grateful. You're going to block this guy for a four-yard game. He's like, if you want any glory, this is not the spot for you. Go over there. And I went over there.

I was like, can I do, like, tight end? Right. I'm 11. Read the spot for you. Go over there. And I went over there. I was like, can I do, like, tight end? Right. I'm 11. Read the room, coach. He was talking to us like we weren't going to have, like, a woman sitting with us on draft night. Yeah, exactly.

Dude, none of us are. None of us matter. No one's going to remember you when you're dead. It's the job you want. This is for men. I don't have a pube sir yeah yeah i i never understood the like being decided to be a catcher decided to be a lineman i mean i guess a lot of those times it is like assigned to you almost like if you want to be on the team this is what you play but yeah those are those

the roles they're not gonna put him in slots they're weirdly assigned i remember i'll never forget this article is a washington wall street journal years and years and years ago and they did a study based on it was the facial symmetry of all the quarterbacks in the nfl and i'm going to make up numbers here but let's say the average human is 94 symmetrical there yes every quarterback was 98 or higher wow and so they were basically the study found that the attractive kids were put into the quarterback position. You know there's some coaches, they're like, that kid's sexy. And I was like, that kid's a quarterback.

Sure. And it is so true where it's like, weirdly, the hot kids are put in the good position. Like, dude, think about all the shortstops you had on your team. Shortstops were never ugly. Yeah, no. The fucking, like, there are parents who are like, he's hot. Get him on the mound.

Yeah. Because – Whoa. You're totally – I'm thinking about every pitcher I knew growing up, every first baseman. They were all studs. Because it's confidence, dude. What the fuck?

It's all confidence. Alex Peters was a babe in second grade. He got to play first base. Don't get me started on Timmy Boyce, dude. Of course. Oh, the legend. Got those soft hands on Timmy Boyce. Of course. Oh, the legend. God, those soft hands on Timmy B. Oh, boy.

That kind of indicts coaches. This coach has a great eye for who's going to be hot. Those kids, when you're in first grade and the parents go like, he's a lady killer and they laugh or whatever but you know you're getting a little more attention.

You're hot. You're confident. You probably go play sports better than the schlubby kid. I don't know. It all comes back to that, right? I'm blowing my mind. This is crazy. Because, yeah, you think like, oh, yeah, the quarterback gets all the girls.

The point guard gets all the girls. What came first? Kick of the egg. Yeah. The coach thinking he's hot. Man, I'd kiss that boy. Quarterback gets all the girls. The point guard gets all the girls. What came first? Kick of the egg. Yeah. The coach thinking he's hot. Man, I'd kiss that boy. Quarterback. You got a bunch of kids showing up to first-year football practice

with, like, eyeliner on. They're wearing mesh shirts. Like, coach, put me under center. It all turns into Tracy Morgan in the longest yard. Damn, dude. This is the science we got to put money behind. I'm all for that. Facial symmetry and children.

Hot little boys are good as sweat. What are we going to name this segment? I don't know. Yeah, like tell your kids, you know, it's like, mom, I got cut from the team. It's not that you're not athletic. You're ugly. You're gross. You're a fine athlete. They know it. I know it. You're just athletic. You're ugly. You're gross. You're a fine athlete.

They know it. I know it. You're just disgusting. You're the only one who doesn't know it. And you're not going to stand up comedy. Here's a mirror as well. Check it out, hair lip. But the... I always hate throwing in this caveat on that study because it was a long time ago.

The number one hottest quarterback in the league based on the facial symmetry. Let me see where I can guess. When was this current? No, but it wouldn't in the last 15 years. Okay. I'm obviously assuming it's somebody not.

It was a Ben Roethlisberger or something. No way. I thought I'm the ugliest guy. I could. Whoa. It was, he was number one. It was like perfectly symmetrical. Not perfectly, but it was like, but like, so it's, you know, he has, way. I thought I'm the ugliest guy I could. Whoa. He was number one. Perfectly symmetrical?

Not perfectly, but it was like... But like, so it's, you know, he has this droopy eye and that droopy eye. Symmetrical doesn't necessarily mean... It's tough because the argument does make sense. The headline is like, it's only hot guys who get to play quarterback.

See Ben Roethlisberger? That's the one you couldn't point to. That's the only one. But he was also just, you know, he's kind of an outlier, too. He's just a freak. He's an outlaw. Yeah. Allegedly.

He has that bloated red, like, booze nose. Yeah. Like the Schlitz nose, which I was like, I like this. I would play really hard for that guy. If it wasn't for, you know, bathroom behavior, he'd really be like, oh, that is football. You know, that's the guy you want. I'd say even including the bathroom behavior. It doesn't really matter to me.

We'll confuse the hand dryer for a woman's ass. Who are we to judge? Who amongst us? I mean, Trevor Lawrence, come on. Give me all of that. You put him in fucking high heels? Justin Herbert is that guy. What?

He has terrible adult acting he does he's gotten better you can read his face like braille I say that as a Broncos fan he's a hell of a player that's one thing I don't think I realized that

if you asked me would you switch lives with him I'd be like I don't know I gotta think about it you know what I mean you could have the money the. I got to think about it. You know what I mean? You could have the money, the quarterback, all that. I got bad adult acne. I think I'll pass. I think I'll just stay put.

I mean, I say this as a man with divots, all right? I get bacne. Of course you do. You're out there living, man. You got to wash your sheets. That is the thing. I'm a pretty regular sheet washer How regular? But no no no

Like twice a week Yes That's a lot Okay But in between Like as soon as you wash your sheets You're eating food in them Yeah

So there's like oil And fucking sauce And cheese That might be it So like these sheets are clean Might be it For like five minutes Literally you put them on your bed

And that very same night You're eating in bed Yeah No that's night, you're eating in bed every night. Yeah, no, that's a great point. I eat in bed every single night. Again, Parmesan. He's probably rolling around the Parmesan cheese. Yeah, you're dusting yourself.

Who's the little gnocchi? It's me. I got like one of those fucking back things. I don't know how to fix it. Do you have a medicated soap for your back? No.

How long have we talked? I just started washing it two weeks ago. That's good. I went out on medication just yet. Can I pop them for you? Well, here. You want to see it? Oh, boy.

I don't know if I was ready for this. I don't know how to see it. Well, you take your shirt off. Yeah. I'm going to take my shirt off. Dump it out. I will. Whoa.

Is it? You don't have to bend over. I don't know how to show back. Well, you know what it is. You're also just like Irish. We just have splotches. There's no heads on them. Yeah, those are not like...

Those are bed bug bites. You have scabies, bro. Is this your skit? Are you just rocking a jersey today? No, I said I'm a big Pat Bev guy. I said I was going to get a jersey. Hey, love Pat Bev. Atta boy.

About that life. Yeah, because as a large man, sometimes you get a real zone going on your thighs. And I started using a special soap. And now the zone has been eradicated. Really? I think that if you took this zone soap and moved it to your back quarters, you might have a solution. Like I'll give an animal your back quarters. Zone soap.

Throw it on the high. I feel like we need to. Your flanks aren't marbled the way I thought they would be. Oh, my God. My flanks. I think I've got to wash you guys with a broom and a hose. Get a power washer here. It's a new segment.

Clean fights back. The same way you would scrub like an elephant. That's what I'm doing for you guys. Yeah, man. Oh, by the way, speaking of elephants, I saw this hypothetical. Let me see if I can get the numbers correct. Okay. I took a screenshot of the guys debating it.

I hope I'm going to remember it. It was like, will Kevin be able to locate the file stay tuned yeah okay 10 no a hundred thousand elephants versus one million monkeys this guy had the monkeys i well i don't know who these guys are. Handshake bets are their thing. It just popped up in my algorithm. He had the elephants at minus 175. And what they had was like a computer simulation where they just all rushed at each other. I don't know how you fucking, what kind of code you input to do a monkey elephant fight. So there was like an answer to this one. It was just like kind of a war of attrition and which one had had uh leftover animals but that's why julian assange had to go into

hiding came up with that technology it was too powerful finally we can simulate monkey elephant battles i was gonna say we can't just fall into the wrong hand i do get this we're doomed i do love the thought that like we could probably be curing cancer or figuring out more crypto but some guys are out there like first let's do the elephant monkey fight right yeah you know what agree all in favor what were the numbers on the monkeys versus the elephants was a thousand elephants 100 000 elephants 100 000 1 million monkeys so it's a 10 to 1 situation it's also you don't have to make the numbers that big no No. It's just a 10 to 1 situation. Right. So 10 monkeys on one elephant is a good way to think about it. You're right.

But also, I think in a bigger pool of monkeys, the bigger the pool, you get bigger, smaller. You get older, younger. Craftier. I think monkeys. There's like a couple hardened monkey veterans in there. Sure. Who got CIA training. Sure.

I think monkeys are every style. You can do a 10 to 1. You can do 100,000 to 1,000. It doesn't matter. I think every step of the way, it's monkeys. And I think the bigger the number gets, the monkeys get a better chance. You think the more monkeys, more problems. Yeah.

Well, wait. Oh, wait. So even if there's more elephants, the monkeys. Yeah. I think as you get more monkeys, the monkeys are... The monkeys are going to be forming, like, centuries. Yeah. When they're, like, a million of them, they're going to have fucking...

Like phalanxes and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're... Monkey General smoking a cigar. Yeah. Now, according to their simulation, I can't find their video on this again. This appears to be their thing. Before you say what they had, I'm taking the elephants

all day. Really? Well, think of just the weight discrepancy. You have ten monkeys on one elephant. Also, we've got to describe the monkey. I'm not a chimp. Is that fair? Planet of the Apes type monkey. Okay, that's what... You're going to have some smarts there, too.

I'm glad you referenced that because that's exactly what one of ours is going to be. Haves there, too. I'm glad you referenced that because that's exactly what one of my words was going to be. Have we ever even considered the fact that elephants could take over the world? No. No. We have considered many times that monkeys could. Yes. Okay, here's another thing for you, though.

Yeah, now we're cooking. You made us long ponder. To counter that, we're sitting here being like, monkeys. But to counter that, we're sitting here being like, monkeys are a lot like humans, right? If I was like, hey, let's go fight this elephant, you'd be like, fuck no. Yeah.

But if you were like, we have to, I'd be like, okay, let's do it. If it's a 10 to 1, you think 10 humans could kill an elephant? No. With bare hands, no. With bare hands? Yeah. Can we make our own weapons?

You can, but I... I guess you could, but while you're trying to make a weapon, you're getting fucking stampeded by a hundred thousand elephants. I don't think you get to come in with prepared weapons. I think you have to make weapons during the battle.

You rip a tusk out, you fucking find your way. Maybe you rip a tusk out. You free a tusk, he has another tusk. And also however many tons of flesh. Yeah, I just... No way.

I don't think there's a method. You could like swarm a elephant, but how do you pierce its skin? How do you kill it? But this is, so this is war, right? This is war. So I'm hiding, first of all, while we build tools. Okay. Well, are we humans or monkeys?

Humans. Okay. And monkeys. But like- Are we humans or monkeys? Are we humans or are we monkeys? I'm like, guys, we got to get in the woods. We got to hide a little bit.

And we got to build spears. And I think once 10 of us have spears, we got a good shot. Right, okay. But I think you're making some assumptions that I wasn't making, which is I think we're in just some kind of arena. This is just a – the way they did it was just, let's say, like a field in Africa and just go. They run at each other.

So there's opportunities to make spears and to hide. Yeah. Interesting, because we did kill Mastodons back in the day. No, wait, maybe I didn't describe that well enough. Like, it's just like open ground. There is nothing. But there's going to be a tree, maybe. There's going to have different environmental hazards.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But they really don't do sure yeah yeah i think you gotta gouge the fucking elephant's eyes out you gotta you gotta go in you gotta surround them well yeah i think a lot of times when you're doing this side but like line up shit you know you do it like they the old like the old way we did war was like right and you've got to flank them. But again, okay, so now we have the elephant surrounded. You think you can gouge an elephant's eye? I feel like an elephant's eye is like the size of this fucking TV. Oh, for sure.

It's easy target. Yeah, I guess. There's a lot of ray tubes in it, just like this thing. I think you have to distract the elephant and then get your smallest, most agile competitor on the back of the elephant. And then right away spear in one eye. And then hopefully that will fell the elephant enough that you can get in the other eye. And now we have to do that 99,999 more times?

I know. I know. While they're just swinging their tusks and trunks and big old feet. And we have brains, but they have a primal instinct. Yeah. They can smell things that we don't even understand the nose and everything it's elephants easy no way is it yeah yeah i i don't think uh i think the human argument you could probably make an argument that humans could figure out how to kill one elephant but if you have huge groups of humans they're not good at working together in moments of chaos. No. You know what I mean? There's a panic that takes them.

There's people committing seppoku out there. Yeah. There's people who are teaming with the elephants. Yeah. You've got turncoats. I was going to say,

this is like every trope in a zombie movie where it's like, it's the humans Have you ever been to an elephant grocery store? They're pretty good over here. Yeah.

You have elephant sympathizers. Yeah, I would defect. I'd get on all fours and i'd be like i'm with you guys look at me i'm a baby protect me i'm just nude out there begging elephant i can't uh i can't oh here we go i believe let me see if I can fast forward. Okay. After hours of battle, the elephants won, but they lost 74,000 elephants. Okay. So it was like kind of close. 25% of those elephants still survived to tell that tale.

Yeah. That's a lot. They can't hear fireworks without freaking out. Elephant Fourth of July is ruined for them forever. And the scars that they carry, a lot of those elephants are going to kill themselves. Because the elephant VA doesn't take care of their mental health. We've got to do a parade to get these elephants into college? The elephant GI Bill?

There's a forest in Japan somewhere where all the elephants just kill themselves? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Uh-huh. We debated. Are you a Tolkien fan? Sure, of course. I can see you liking that. Yeah.

Could 100, 250? I think it was, could 250 Navy SEALs get the ring to Mordor? Easy. You think? The Hobbits did it. Well, that's what I said, but they also had, like, the power of a wizard and shit. We have drone strikes. I was thinking more like, I don't think you can call it, like, backup drone strikes.

But I'm thinking you have modern warfare. Whatever you can carry. Yeah. And I just think, eventually, again, a numbers thing, like, those orc armies were like they just were all like every inch of underground earth had like an orc in it you know what i mean like even as one of those things pops up headshot yeah then don't you think eventually like they they just swarm you on your way through the fucking reload and shit no i don't i really think that it's an easy i don't i easy. You might lose five seals to this.

Imagine that. You just roll up to Mordor and you got 245 left. Throw the fucking ring in, dude. Let's all get home. Whatever, dude. The young Sheldon fucking season ending. Come on. Let's get back home.

We talked about that probably two weeks ago, a week ago. And I said I was going to watch Lord of the Rings. And I did, the first one. I watched Fellowship of the Ring, and I'd never seen them. And I really liked it. Very good. But it's very funny watching a movie

that you definitely already know through memes. Like, everything... It's crazy how much it changes the stakes. Because you're laughing at it. I was like, oh, yeah, I get this feeling. It's like when your team loses on a Tuesday night. It's like, no, this is the state of humanity. It's right here.

I felt this before. I get this one. For sure. Yeah. I mean, The Hobbit's just an excellent book, too. The Hobbit's good. The Hobbit movie did not pan out. No, but that book.

The Hobbit book was the one that I feel like that's what we all read and knew. That green one, that green hardcover. Yes. Was that all based on that, or is Lord of the Rings its own trilogy? No, Lord of the Rings has its own books. And then they made – it's pre-Hobbit. No, the Hobbit was first, right? I think Hobbit's first.

Hobbit was when – Because Gandalf is young in the Hobbit. You haven't seen Bilbo Baggins yet, have you? Bilbo? Yeah. Is he in that? Yeah, he's the first one who finds the ring, right? Yeah.

Well, that's – so the Hobbit Hobbit is like when he had the ring. Yeah, it starts with him. And then I think it fast... Maybe it fast-foils a bit. Has he done that face yet where he goes... Yes. Right. Why shouldn't I have it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the Hobbit, the book, is when he is doing the... Again, a scene I knew very well. Right. And you're laughing about it. It's like... No, this is like when you take a guy's sweatshirt after you fuck him. Yeah.

It's like, no, this is when the most powerful thing in the world is manipulating your brain. Yeah, that's very true. The bastardization of art because of memes. Memes and the internet, man. I never thought of that. It's very funny. It was because there's so many, at least in the first one, so many memes. No, I get this feeling.

I've felt this feeling. It's like a reverse meme. What's your favorite movie of all time? Favorite movie of all time, I think, that's really tough. I really like Good Time a lot. The guys who made Uncut Gems. The movie they made before with Robert Pattinson. I think that's like a perfect movie.

Wow, that's a modern movie to have as your favorite. I just, I don't have the deep, maybe Place Behind the Pines. I just, I don't have like a deep vocabulary for film. I watch a movie and I'm like, that's a good movie or it's a funny movie. If I don't like it, I'm like, I'm still not mad at the movie.

I just watched Place Behind the Pines very recently. Dude, what the fuck? What a great movie. Well, I'd seen it, so I still wanted to hear something crazy. Is that the one? It's one of Pav's favorites, so the Pines very recently. Dude, what the fuck? What a great movie. Well, I'd seen it, so I wanted to hear something crazy. Is that the one? It's one of Pavs' favorites, so I watched it again recently. Shout out, Pavs.

I'd seen it before, and you know when I saw it? Is that one with Gosling? Gosling, yeah. Okay, yes. And I saw it. I went to, this is the day after the Boston Marathon. Yeah. I convinced my friend to go to the movies.

I wanted to see Place Behind the Pines. I think Bradley Cooper was in a big moment there Gosling, even Mendes don't worry about this manhunt we're gonna go to the movies it hadn't started so it was a regular day

and I'm in there watching Place Beyond the Pines my phone's going nuts because we're bloggers at the time and all that stuff and I'm just ignoring it I had a crush on the girl

I was with so I was like being present for my date two guys here literally got on the radio scanner and were like updating people on twitter it became like a it was a thing at bar so that dave and dan were like helping try to find the fucking uh bomber so he's just in his movie just like and it was like it was because you know obviously a terrorist attack had just happened in boston so people weren't really congregating. Well, we don't know.

No, it was an atrocity. I love Boston. And so we were the only people in the theater. And then we walk out, and it was just the manhunt had started. We'd been on for like two or three hours. So it was like no one's allowed outside. And I was just walking through Boston like I am legend style. Just me and her. It was great really it was a forget if i could say i had a really fun night

i got to see boston in a way i've never seen it and few people will ever see it everything worked out for you yeah it was uh one of my favorite nights ever yeah yeah beautiful memory it was at the Boston Common. We went to a theater in the Common. Yeah. And I walked all the way back to my South End apartment because I was like, this is amazing. Delightful stroll. What's that thing moving in that boat over there?

I don't know. Whatever. Let's just kiss on the way home. You're holding hands. Great. But another one I watched recently that I um i i had seen once and really liked but never went back to it three billboards outside ebbing missouri great movie yeah great movie and the whole time i'm watching it being like god i forgot how funny this was i forgot

how good this is and of course it's written by whose name is escaping me now uh phoebe waller bridges uh boyfriend uh in bruges uh banshee's boy how are you forgetting his name yeah yeah Phoebe Waller-Bridge's boyfriend. In Bruges. Banshees of England. That's your boy. How are you forgetting his name? Yeah, yeah. It's very Irish.

He's got a great pedigree. Yeah, he's great. I had seen that and really liked it. In Bruges and Banshees are two movies I love as well. Fuck yeah, dude. Yes. It's obviously a Mick. Easy. You already said you didn't mourn the marathon bombing let's be easy on the Irish

I could never go home ever again and I'm in a Bucks jersey god damn it you're ruined Martin McDonough I was going to say Michael oh of course it's written by him that one is

really really really fucking yeah it's great i love this i just as googling his name it says was the banshees of based on a true story that's like yeah like all of them like all of the guys were like that you know not maybe that specifically but yeah we all kind of suppress her um i had a similar situation to you walking the abandoned streets of boston New Orleans right when quarantine hit for COVID. Because my wife was working down there and we got an Airbnb in the quarter. And then everyone left and the streets were shut down. So we were just able to walk Bourbon Street end to end completely alone for like a week.

Really? Yeah. How was that? It was very surreal. It was like you described where it's like I have this very populated place to myself. It feels very special. Yeah. Now, you know, people were dying in the streets elsewhere, but I had the quarter to me.

It is a – it's weirdly – I remember we ended up posting pictures later of like – not drone shots, but helicopter shots, whatever they might be, of like Boston. I was like – I was walking – I was on the street that night yeah because it is it's just empty and it is you don't realize how much even if it's like midnight 2 a.m whatever like i mean obviously like new york is always rocking but like there's just always some cars going by there's some people there's always some noises when there's nothing some noises. When there's nothing, it's like, oh, this is weird. Well, remember the marathon bomber? I actually read a study that said that most marathon bombers have 98% facial symmetry. That's how you can tell.

Because they sexualize that guy right away. They're like, look at this sweet piece of ass. Rolling Stone, baby. What a wild move. That was crazy, dude. That was one of the craziest editorial decisions of all time. Let's put him on the cover and talk about it. In a different world, he'd be a quarterback.

Yeah, exactly. That was disgusting, dude. Yeah, he'd be an option quarterback. He doesn't have the height to pass deep, but man. He went to a college I went to as well. Interesting. Were you guys in any clubs together? He's at UMass Dartmouth, which is a famously hideous college.

It's like the ugliest in the country? Bro, it is insane. The people or like the? No, no, no, no, no. The architecture. It's like a very gothic architecture. And I went to a bunch of different colleges, and I had a short stint there. You're trying to find yourself. What's there. You're trying to find yourself. What's that?

You're trying to find yourself. Just trying to find yourself. Still looking. Still looking. Bumping around the Northeast. I went all the way down to Florida. Didn't find myself there. It's a good thing.

It was such a depressing call. It's brutalist, gothic, whatever you want to call it, or whatever it technically is. It was so depressing that I would get there and I wouldn't get out of my car. Wow. And I would just sit in my car for my classes and I would just drive home and tell my parents I went to class. I was like, I'm so depressed.

It's all concrete. The whole concrete walls, concrete floors, concrete ceiling. Kind of like Soviet architecture. Yes. Brutalism. It's insane. It's insane that they built a college like that. And then that's what happens.

Yeah. No one wants to attend. Yeah. If you build Arkham Asylum, people are going to go there to read art history. I watched Suncoast last night. See that at all? I don't even know if it's on Hulu. I don't even know if it's on Hulu. I don't know. I think it's kind of like a Sundance film festival type of movie.

It's on Hulu. It's about this single mother. It's Laura Linney who crushes it. She's amazing. And this girl, Laura Linney's son is like an invalid, and her sister, his sister, they put him in the same hospice place that terry shivo was in so i guess like partly a true story the the writer and director had like a an invalid

brother who was there with terry shivo do you know that you get do you know yeah yeah yeah it was not well but i'm always aware yeah yeah it was just it was like it was a weird... It was like, you know, in the story, it's just about this daughter who has to, like... She gave up, like, all of her childhood for her brother, and the mother treats her like shit, and the invalid brother, like, a jam and all that. But then there's just this, like, undertone. And Woody Harrelson is one of the protesters.

It's actually a pretty good movie. There were parts of it that I thought were, like, bad, but overall, I think, pretty good. Sounds like a barrel of laughs. Yeah, no, I mean... This summer! I was, at one point, just a puddle, man. I don't like that shit. You like watching emotional movies?

Yeah. Yeah, you do? Yeah, like feeling. Yeah. I covet that kind of shit, dude. You'll put on a movie knowing there's going to be some depressing-ass shit? Well, I will do that, but I don't seek of shit, dude. You'll put on a movie knowing there's going to be some depressing ass shit. Well, I will do that, but I don't seek it out necessarily. But if someone smarter than me says, hey, this movie packs a wallop, you should watch it,

I will watch it and hopefully experience the same emotions. But dude, Gosling? Why is he not in the conversation for coolest guy? You got drive. You got place behind the pines. Let's make the conversation if it's not happening. You're one of the coolest guys ever. Gosling is the guy.

I guess I'm not. There's one of those things where you're like, hold on, everyone. Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling, he's like right there. Right, yeah. You have this very popular opinion. I think we should talk about it more. Dude, only God forgives? Have you seen that? The follow-up to Drive? Fuck, yeah. You know this very popular opinion? I think we should talk about it more. Dude, only God forgives?

Have you seen that? The follow-up to Drive? Fuck, dude. That's the movie that blew my mind most recently. It's beautiful. You know, all of a sudden I'll do a musical. I can sing. I can fucking make you laugh.

I can dick around. And he can also do that thing like he does in Place Behind the Pines where he's not acting, but it looks like he's completely real. Where his reaction is just so, I don't know placid dead-eyed whatever you want to call it but fuck it gets me every oh i also think he was barely acting in uh crazy stupid love uh he was just beating his cool ass self fucking bitches on that one oh sure it was a documentary yeah i'm sure i'm sure they were like here's the the script. He was like, we're good. I can riff this. I watched that recently, and that's such a funny thing in the sense that now, if that was filmed now, he'd be not cool.

The cool guy and the uncool guy are flipped. Yeah. Like by their style and all that stuff. Not saying that Steve Carell looks better than him, but he is in what is objectively fashionable. Yeah, if you show up to a club in your blazer and your jean. Although, now that's back in again. I can't keep up. I'm not in the club. I think if you wear your Spurs sweatpants, you're golden.

Well, that's how comfortable I am with y'all is I wear the sweats. You were talking about feeling. What's that? You know how when you get mad, but you're also kind of pissed? We call that sadness. I watched Past Lives recently. Oh, yeah, yeah. And my takeaway from it was that it is a great movie,

very beautifully shot and interesting and all that stuff. And I called my mom after after and I was like, if I was a person who felt, I bet I would really like this movie. Like, like I, fuck dude. I'm going to swallow my zit on that one.

Fuck. It's bleak, bro. It's so bleak. Yeah. It's so bleak yeah so your mom's like what are you doing to me i know no so much his mom's like yeah she's like i'll check it out you're right yeah the because i'd heard such great things i'd heard it's kirk's big movie of the year it's i i heard people like it was leaving the theater everyone was weeping, and I could see myself. I watched it, and I understood it. That is what I'm supposed to feel.

It's not even feeling. It's just like I don't think that way. It's a lot of like Inyan, which is a Korean Buddhist philosophy with many lives, and you're kind of like an onion and all this stuff. And it's just like that's not – I don't really think like that. So it's not really hitting me. But it was great. Well, yeah, but stoicism is a totally valid way to deal with the terrors of the world.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think you should lean in. You don't want to make yourself cry at that movie. Right. Leaving that movie without weeping is totally fine. It's the people who performatively cry being like, I get it.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm so profound. And I think on this level level it's saying all the things i thought and it's like no you're not all right yeah you should start throwing around stoicism rather than being like i just a bleak barren piece of shit stoic i mean i think it's great i try to be very stoic about most things but i try to feel joy more than i feel sadness a lot more what's that i try to feel joy more than I feel sadness a lot more. What's that?

I try to feel joy, lean into that fleeting feeling of happiness, and not try and get bogged down in things that make me like it. It's logical. Yeah, for sure. It's all pragmatic. There's only three things worth getting really riled up about. It's like if you have a terminal disease or you lost a loved one or lost all your ability to earn money or whatever.

The Niners not covering. Well, yeah. And then getting hosed by a ref on a call or just having a terrible existence as a sports fan or Doc Rivers becomes your coach in the middle of the year and fucks your team over. I don't know. All those little things

I remember Louie had a joke where he was talking about How he hated how Language was used And he had overheard someone in the deli Be like this sandwich is amazing And he's like that's not amazing What are you going to use to describe If God comes down or whatever

And I think that works with emotion too If everything is the greatest Or everything's awful, it could go either way. Then what about when something truly – leave that door open to possibly feel that when it's deserved. It's like you can't give a 10.0 at the Olympics. Right. You never know. Hyperbole just totally negates a lot of your ability to have a legitimate conversation. Yeah.

When someone's like, oh my god, it's awesome or he's hilarious i think louis had to think about hilarious too yeah it's like hilarious means that you're like your brain melts and you're so rocked by this funny thing you're like you've lost control yeah you're like a gibbering fool yeah i see so many but also it's like everyone crushed last night everyone was hilarious it's like these words don't have meaning now i also like living though in like the reality of like to use the olympics for example it's like what if somebody comes along and does better it's like well i don't yeah maybe i don't know but that person just did a perfect routine so why are we gonna hypothetically what the next person the next 100 people suck right and we just fuck this person over because of what might have happened.

Where are we punishing their excellence? Yeah. Yeah. Happens to me all the time. My excellence gets punished daily. Dude, I know. I've seen your back, Tat. Stop punishing my excellence.

That would be a great Tat. Yeah. You travel so much. I like to, yeah. Yeah. Tokyo was your latest, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. Subscribe to my yeah. I'm so jealous of you.

Subscribe to my YouTube. I've got a travel show out there now. How did you... Is that just a sense of wonder that got you doing that? Because you're working a lot on the road too, right? Yeah. When I do travel, I also work every night doing stand-up. How does that translate? I'm off the beaten path places.

I feel like you'll go do shows in... Well, I did Bratislava. Yeah, that's not usual. Like, I feel like there's certainly comics you'll see, London, Australia, stuff like that, but I feel like you're in even... Bratislava's pretty fucking crazy. Yeah.

How does that... How are the crowds? What is that like? They're great, man. You know what? It's weird. It's like, after the show, you know, you do the meet and greet,

and literally people will be like, I saw you on Barstool. Like, in Prague. literally people will be like, I saw you on Barstool. Like in Prague, or it'll be like, I saw you on Kill Tony. Are these like transplants, or these are locals? They're students, you know? Yeah, I mean, I don't – in Paris, you get a lot of Parisians who come who speak excellent English. Yeah. In these other places, it's expats.

Yeah, got it. You know what I mean? It's Americans. It's Australians. It's, you know. Did you have faith? Like, would you just, would you, like, look at, like, I don't know, download numbers of your podcast? No. Like, you're just, like, confident that, like, you'll have.

I did that in Estonia. Because in Estonia, we have big listenership. Okay. So I did shows there. For real? Yeah, because, like, the number one. You never know when these things pop up, and it's like, what the fuck? Yeah.

Like, this guy Ari Matty lives in Estonia. He plugged my book on, like, the Joe Rogan of Australia's podcast. Got it. There you go. Yeah. So, yeah. I just think, like, my mom took us. this guy Ari Matty lives in Estonia. He plugged my book on like the Joe Rogan of Australia's podcast or Estonia's podcast. So yeah, I just think like my mom took us, I remember she took us to bar Harbor. She took us to Boston.

She took us to Montreal on one trip. And I was like 11, 12, 13 or whatever. And I just remember like driving like to Quebec city and like seeing how there was like Hobbit holes. Like they were like all these old mounds that have like doors built into them and being like i wonder what the world's so big and you'll never be able to see it all but god i want to try and see it all yeah and also i like to eat and

drink booze you know try all those tokyo you know you have a little like you really order you must be godzilla in tokyo oh for sure yeah yeah i mean just like he chased me with fucking flame torches it's bad yeah i think i'm there to defend him against mothra my brother went to tokyo uh he was studying abroad in australia and he's a bigger dude and he was so he was like a sophomore in college maybe something like that yeah and got drunk like didn't even think about it but like got drunk before went to a halloween party before his flight to Japan, which he had convinced my parents to get him a flight

because my uncle was going to be over there. That's cool. And he was like, I'm right here. My parents later realized it's like a nine-hour flight. He's not close at all. But he showed up to the airport from the Halloween party dressed as the Hulk. Oh, God. So then landed in Tokyo dressed as the Hulk,

and he was like, this was a mistake. He had like a jean denim cut-off jacket and his arms painted green. He's green on the plane. How did he get through customs? I don't know how he got... Maybe he had a mask on,

but I know his arms were green. I don't know about his face. What? Well, I guess they do embrace like freaky nerd shit over there pretty well. Yeah. But I would never, ever go abroad with green arms. It was like I woke up and it was just like, this was a mistake.

I should not have come to Japan dressed like the Hulk. Yeah. Was that his first time in Japan? Yeah. So he had to navigate the Tokyo subway system. As a long over 19-year-old. Yeah. So we had to navigate the Tokyo subway system as a long over 19 year old. Yeah. What a mutant. Oh my god.

The balls on this guy. Holy shit. I can't. Wow. Having been there a couple times and like knowing how like humble and quiet and reverent they are and then your brother shows up just like half You wouldn't like me, though.

Yeah. They probably show up on the plane from Sydney. I guess when you get off with a bunch of Australians, maybe hopefully they're louder. Oh, for sure. That's your only hope. They're a real plague. Yeah.

They're pestilence. Did you put out that episode of Tokyo? I dropped it today, yeah. Oh, today? Okay, cool. Because there's a scene, I think I made the final cut, where you're trying to shop for some clothes, right? Oh, yeah. And you're like, this Japanese guy, do you have anything that's going to fit me?

Yeah. And they just laugh. Yeah. Oh, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. And the only shirt that they offered was like, you know, some like, it's like a, what are those shirts that would change color with your body temperature. It's like that material, and it's got like a 12-year-old girl in handcuffs.

And there's like some viscous fluid draining off of her eyes and chin. And she was like, I was like, no. Give me three. Give me three of them. I don't want everyone to think I'm a pedophile. I'm already a big fat guy in Japan hanging out in Harajuku. Stick out enough. Yeah.

There's some assumptions being made. Yeah, dude. Remember when Japan had... I feel like it happened every few years for a while. I don't think it's happened since. But where they would have a big... Like, Nazism would get in fashion. And I mean literally in fashion,

not like it would be cool. It would be wearing... Like, swastikas were fashionable. Like I mean literally in fashion, not like it would be cool. Be wearing. Like swastikas were fashionable. Like couture, you mean. Like what? Like couture. Couture. Clothes. Oh, yeah, yeah, couture. Yes, yes. And it was like, I remember blogging it way back in the day where it was just like storefronts, which is like the Nazis are wearing swastikas again.

They kind of do whatever they want over there. Look, man, great place to visit, but they are an ethnostate. They don't really let anyone in. No. They're, like, very proud to be Japanese and protect the Japanese way of life. That was until, like,

was it the 1800s where you couldn't leave Japan? I don't know. I just know now that it's, like, 99.9999 Japanese. It's crazy.

Yeah. Which is, and it's, like, allowed. Yeah. It's not, like, you know what I mean she's like oh that's

you know isolationism and all that you know as opposed to like right instead of like this seems

well they gave us Pokemon it can't be all bad you know yeah no it's weird over there like when I went over there the first time

like I told my wife like the third day I was like it's just crazy because like we leave our hotel room and everyone's Japanese and she was like lol and i'm like no but look around today yeah you're gonna see more than just you know there's like not a lot of white people there's

very few people of color in any way right i mean it's bizarre right yeah it is strange and like they also there's a lot of uh ancient blood feuds between the Koreans and the Japanese for various, you know. Some people call them war crimes. I don't want to put a label on things. It's none of my business. But, yeah, some Nanking's got raped. And there's some bad blood over there. Yeah.

Before we let you go, where is one place that you would recommend that would be a surprise? Off the beaten path? Yeah. Before we let you go, where is one place that you would recommend that would be a surprise? Off the beaten path? Yeah. I think Bratislava is really cool. Bratislava, really? Yeah, it's small. It's navigable. My only knowledge of Bratislava is Eurotrip.

Right. Yeah. I didn't know it near Bratislava. Yeah. I didn't think it was going to be cool. We were there for two days, and I didn't want to leave. Really? Well, yeah, I mean, like Prague, obviously, beautiful.

You know, the river's right there. You were at Darling's Cabaret while you were over there? What's that? You were at Darling's Cabaret while you were over in Prague? No, I was with my wife. She liked it. What is it, a strip club? Kind of.

I mean, like a strip club where you can have sex with the strippers. Oh, cool. All right. Warhouse. I was there like a strip club where you can have sex with the strippers. Oh, cool. All right. Warhouse. I was there when I was like 16. We had a hockey tournament. And we saw the bus. You know how strip clubs will sometimes have like, if you bring 10 people, we'll come pick you up in a limo?

Yeah, yeah. And we saw that. And every night, we would have the party bus come pick us up. And I had braces. Run it back. And it was like, we were there long enough until we became regulars as children at this strip club. Did you engage in commerce? Yeah, I got, so I was, I think I turned either 15 or 16

while I was there. Jesus Christ. And there was an older, I think it was an under 18 team, but the older kids bought me a lap dance for it. And the guy got a lesbian lap dance, and the strippers took my shirt off. And I had a 15, 16-year-old body with just the puffy nipples, and they were sucking my nipples, but I had braces. It was like, this is so uncomfortable.

Wow. It was. They are more evolved than us. So cosmopolitan. Quick 20 bucks, they'll fuck a kid for you. Yeah. The thought of some chick sucking your 14-year-old nipples is so goddamn vile. It's pretty tough.

That is so despicable. Oh, my God. I used to tape my nipples down in high school. Oh, because you had the pointies, too? I would literally put duct tape over my nipples so I could wear T-shirts without them showing. Didn't it hurt? Well, after football games, if we won, there was a tradition where you do the truffle shuffle. And one time I hopped up there after we beat Jefferson 49-0, took the shirt off, forgot I was taped.

And everyone was like, all right, he's doing it. What the fuck? Yeah. And it was like dead quiet in there. My coach came up and I was like, all right, he's doing it. What the fuck? Yeah. And it was like dead quiet in there. My coach came up and I was like, and he reaches up and he just ripped off the duct tape and said, Inglewood next week. Live high football rules. He totally just was like, this could have really been bad. Bro, I want to create an entire television series just for that scene hey yeah

like that would be so fucking funny the guy the big guy forgot that he duct taped his tits yeah so he could wear guys yeah so i could wear a drop all of a sudden echo t-shirt to school without people seeing my nips yeah dude dude i used to go i used to go heavy with like the yeah it was bad, dude. The thought of like... Like it makes noise. Every morning in front of the mirror. Like my junior year, I was like, I'm going to tape them down. And then people, of course, were like, what's up with...

Like on the bus ride back. So are we going to talk about it? And I was like, yeah, I heard it kills the hair on your nipples. Slick. Yes, I guess. It'll rip it the fuck off. What was I supposed to tell all these guys? No, I'm just vain about my puffiness i know yeah sammy loft pointed out my nipple one time and it rocked me and i didn't sleep that night so yeah i've been thinking about it ever since i i tried

to do like um what do you call it uh like create marketing against puberty because i hit puberty so late where i was like people be like do you have pubes yeah i'm like oh you're all fucking like dude no chicks don't like hair bro yeah the chicks i've been with which was zero like the chicks i've been with like it's smooth whoa dude yeah the coping skills of a 14 year old boy are the best in the world if we could just weaponize that brain instead of making monkeys and elephants fight in AI, we'd be good. You know, blowjob parlors in Japan, everyone.

Blowjob parlors? One more Japan thing. So I went to talk at Red Sox. They were a minor league team for the Red Sox. They're down in Worcester. But Paw Sox, me and my dad used to go all the time as kids. And their last year at McCoy stadium was a few years ago and he's like let's go for you know just memories and let's go check it out and we went and it was so sad and so empty and so decrepit

and all that there were 15 people in the whole stadium and uh barcelona was pretty big at times it was probably three or four years ago and one of like the guys in the booth recognized me yeah and so then like a person comes up and they're like would you like to go watch with the gm and everyone else for the rest of the game we're like sure and they're a bunch of scouts in the in the uh gm's box and they're telling us this story of doing scouting in japan and then we went to this club where there was a – the ceiling was glass and you could see up it and there were girls just walking around and you could see up their skirts and all that stuff. And I was like, cool, you know, whatever.

And then they was like – and then they would shit. And they would just dump in on the floor. Yeah, that's the Chuck Berry district of Tokyo. I forgot. Is there any truth like i i've never been in japan all i've heard is that story i was like no fucking ways i swear to god dude the girls would just take dumps on the ceiling and just like keep it moving and like a horse like shit while they walk or just falls out of the ramp i think you know what i didn't ask in my head i was picturing a squat.

But I was like, yeah, man, Japan's wild. That is vile. I think in any publicly repressed society, there's going to be dump parlors with glass ceilings for sure. I mean. How do you charge? Do you charge by the time limit? Do you charge by the?

By the plop. By the plop. Yeah, by the mound. That's your 15th plop. By the plop. Yeah, by the mound. That's your 15th plop. By the plop, you can get a lop per one, then. Sure. I mean, it depends on the frequency. And hey, I don't want to judge, but one plop's fine for me.

Put me on the one plop plan. I'm going to come in, I'm going to film my clandestine Instagram story, and then I'm out the door. Just need that sound, that plop. A blowjob parlor is what it sounds like? Yeah, it's for the businessmen on the go. You go in, you get blown. It's like a glory hole?

No, no. It's like you go in, you pick out the girl. They'll jerk you too, but you can't have penetrative sex. That's off the table there, but blowjobs and handjobs are just part of being a... Condom blowjob? I don't know. When I was there with my wife first, she was like, I'm going to get my nails done. And if you want to go to one of the blowjob parlors, go crazy.

I'm like, I'm going to be in there getting blown thinking my wife's two buildings down? No. And she's like, quit being such a pussy. So now you're emasculating me? I'm not going to get sucked? Yeah. Go get sucked, you pussy. It's crazy.

Yeah. I remember I went to Paris or I went to Amsterdam and she was like, and by the way, if you want to hit the red light, it's transactional. It is what it is. Yeah. I was like, no. I'll stay at home and read. Jesus Christ.

The red light is, we went to Amsterdam with Bert, the red light is far more depressing than you envisioned. They're in cages. They're literally in cages. And you know what? I think in the past probably were dancing and trying to entice these girls are just sitting in the cage on their phone

they're just looking they're just like do you want to fuck me yeah got duct tape on the yeah it's crazy no I don't know it's cool I like to go to that red light district just because you can window shop as they say

you know but I don't think that I's cool. I like to go to that red light district just because you can window shop, as they say. But I don't think that I could ever engage in – and those women, though, they rent that space. I think that's one of the few places where they're not sex traffic victims. Their passports aren't hidden in a safe somewhere. They actually own it or whatever. Yeah, I think they're owner-operators. It also is too confined, and you actually touched on this in The Toad's Morale. I could never have sex in a in a bed and breakfast or anything like i have i have sex in a hotel room and if like you i'll have

in my apartment and if the bed starts like crack i'm like we guys like i get in my own head something like i need to be if i my perfect sex is silence somewhere sure somewhere. Sure. Like with no one even around. No one could possibly hear anything. Yeah. It's like you don't want somebody to hear you pee? I'm fine with someone hearing me pee. Not fuck. Not even that I'm loud.

It's not my noise. It's not my... The thwops. It's the thwops and things like that. It's not my... I'm not really speaking all that much. I heard somebody fucking ingas and it was very it was funny it was like flop flop flop flop stop and then like 60 seconds later like a bunch of

hard thwops again and i was like i know this routine this is a man of little stamina i'm staying in alphabet city in this airbnb and last like two nights ago I didn't get to sleep until like 4.30 because it sounded like an adult Chinese woman was giving birth to an adult Samoan man. It was just brutal all night long. Just howling? Yeah, you don't want to do the voice, but you know. Have a little fun in your minds, everyone.

Yeah, it was fucked, dude. All right, man. Well, you're a legend. You're one of the best in the biz. I feel like it's breakout time for you. I mean, you were the first guy I called before Penn disappeared from Barstool. We thought there was going to be more of a way to build a comedy stable. Sam was like the first person we called for Barstool Comedy.

Watch the new travel show because there's a special thanks to uh to a certain kevin clancy and that's on your channel yeah yeah did i see that toads morale is on matt and shane or it's toads morale is on matt and shane secret podcast channel is not on yours at all no no and then my youtube now we're putting out wide world World Tokyo Riffs. Episode 1 is up there right now. Okay, so Toad's Morale is on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on YouTube. And the travel show is on. Oh, yeah, and listen to Chubby Behemoth, my podcast, which I never plug. And then the producer's like, what are you doing? What's the matter with you? You're on Rogan.

You had one fucking job. That's hilarious. I blew it, bro. You were there for three hours, and you can't get one 10-second plug-in for your podcast. Yeah, dude, I did not. That is great. It's brutal. They were so mad at me.

I'm sure, but it's also, that's how you know you had a good conversation, and you weren't just plugging shit left and right. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't using every moment of training that I had for that three and a half hours. I was in the dojo, dude. That was the end of Only God Forgives. Yeah. All right, bro.

We appreciate it, man. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much, Sam. Yeah. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.