KFC Radio - Theo Von

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

Rising star Theo Von came by to chat with KFC and Feits about how he's sober (for now) and how Darryl Straberry helped him get there, why he also gave up porn but why he thinks guys at Barstool need to jerk off more, how women ruin birthdays, why we should all fear the Chinese, and what most people think of when they see his haircut. Catch him tonight (Mar 7) in Boston at the Chevalier Theater.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What's up, you mutts? It's your boy, KFC. And today's episode of KFC Radio is a monster. One of the most important episodes we've ever done. I feel like recently, in the past year or so, we've really been getting down with the, really, the funniest comedians in the world, period, and a lot of these guys are part of Rogan's mafia. Joe Rogan, the godfather of this shit, has assembled kind of like a rat pack of the best, funniest comedians in the world,

and you know, you know, it's Burt Kreischer, and Tom Segura, and Ari Shaffir and all these guys. And the latest member of that gang to get tapped on the shoulders and called up to the show is Theo Vaughn. Theo Vaughn is on today's episode. And he reached out to Francis, and Francis set this all up. He's actually opening for Theo tonight in Boston at the Chevalier. So if you're in Boston and you got nothing to do tonight, grab yourself a ticket. It's probably sold out by now, to be honest. But in the

event there are tickets left, I would highly recommend going to see Francis and Theo because Theo is one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. And we've been talking to Dan Soder and Chris DiStefano, and those episodes will be out soon. And I really know, we've been talking to Dan Soder and Chris DiStefano, and those episodes will be out soon.

And I really think that we've been blessed to talk to some of the funniest guys in the world right now. But Theo is the newest on the scene. He said in the past nine months or so this year, he really popped and took it to the next level. So he came through, and we're going to do it a little bit different here. I'm going to bang out some ads here at the top of the show because usually, you know, a comedian comes through, and, you know, you do 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. They get their promo in, and, you know, it's just a segment of your show.

Well, Theo came through straight from the airport, rolled off the elevator with his bags in hand, and was ready to rip. And we ended up doing, like like a full hour with him. So basically he's your third co-host today. It's me, Fights, and Theo just chopping it up, talking about all the craziest shit going on in the world right now. So I'm just going to bang out these ads at the top here. I'll sprinkle in a couple here and there, but we're just going to do things a little bit different because things ended up being just a spectacular conversation, and I really think one of the funniest episodes

we've ever done. So today's episode is brought to you by Thursday Boots. It's cold as shit, still freezing out there, still some cold weather, boot weather left this year for you to get in on Thursday Boots. Thursday makes the most quality boots on the Internet right now, one of the highest quality boots you can buy for affordable prices and delivered to your door very quickly. You can get it within two days when you use free ship today at checkout.

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This is KFC Radio featuring Theo Vaughn. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Theo's probably One of the most People I've had Be like You gotta have him

On the show Yeah And then When it was confirmed And we said so People were like Oh shit We just mentioned it

On radio And like On radio Where we do You know Kind of the topics of the day We don't really talk about The podcast

And the call line started buzzing up. They're like, wait, Theo's coming on the podcast tomorrow? Yeah, man. That's cool, man. Yeah, that's so crazy. Like, yeah, it's kind of crazy. It's kind of scary for me to think that, you know, it feels like almost expectations you can't, like, really live up to

as, like, a human when people, when, like, more than people you can, like, kind of touch start to get excited. And that's a little bit scary. But, yeah, dude, you guys are apparently the fucking premier fuck-ups in America. So I'm happy to be here with you guys. That's how we roll. That's how we roll, man. Well, dude, I see all the videos.

You got people falling off cliffs, people drinking, people dying, you know, funeral outtakes. I'm like, nothing's off limits for these boys. No, we... The premier fuck-ups in America. That big-dap-a-new tagline on the website, shit. Yeah, listen, I mean, we've been doing it a long time, so we've seen the internet go from, you know, totally fucked up to, you know,

you got to watch what you say to follow the rules, but we're still out here just being fuck-ups, I feel like. Yeah. Particularly us on this show, too. I mean, we're the real fuck- here just being fuck-ups, I feel like. Particularly us on this show, too. I mean, we're the real fuck-ups of the fuck-ups. Well, look, I'm glad I finally got to the core of the issue here.

I've really kind of located the nucleus, you know? I feel like that movie Independence Man when they sent Ben Affleck up there, you know, and that black guy that died and they sent him into space. Wait, Independence Man? With Ben Affleck? You're mixing all sorts of movies up. You're thinking of that died and they sent him into space. What movie is this? Wait, Independence Man? With Ben Affleck?

You're mixing all sorts of movies up. You're thinking of Armageddon when they go into space with Ben Affleck? Yeah, you're thinking of Armageddon and Independence Day. Yeah, Armageddon. I mean, that's an American classic. Yeah, and that guy from the Green Mile that died with the mice. Remember that? Mm-hmm.

Dude, when you see a big black guy with some mice, you know he ain't going to live long. You know that. I was watching some of your stand-up. You were talking about how you grew up like the only white kid in a black neighborhood. Yeah, we grew up. It was just kind of mixed. It was just poor, you know, just like poor kids, you know. So it was.

What do you call it? You call it the stray animal belt? Oh, where I grew up, yeah. What does that mean? It means just stray animals, dude. You know. Idiot. It's where i grew up yeah what does that mean it means just stray animals dude you know it's where they meet up you know if you think they're all working freelance bro you got the wrong idea dude everybody's got their union and um yeah anywhere coming down through missouri you know lake of the ozarks all the way down straight out through the delta mississippi

louisiana and you get a lot of stray animals. Like, I grew up with stray animals. Like, you go outside and there'd be fucking animals out there. Like dogs and cats? Yeah, dogs, cats. Yeah, for a second, I still couldn't tell if we were talking, like, metaphorically or we're talking about literally stray fucking animals. Oh, yeah. Real animals from God, bro.

Straight out there in the street. Like, I remember, you know. That's some shit you see, like, in Africa. Yeah. During a safari. Yeah. And they really mastered it. They got the big five over there.

They got, you know, not alpacas. I think we had that. But they have, you know, horned animals. We're talking unhorned. You know? We're talking fucking. Oh, Africa mastered it. I thought you meant the animals out there mastered it.

We're talking Rottweilers. We're talking, you know, just uncared for children, which almost classify. Like, we had a family of us, dude, no shirts in the whole house, bro. Zero shirts. I shouldn't laugh, but. No, well, they were good. I mean, actually, they weren't even that good of people, but they were just, you know, they were just all victims of the circumstance. But, yeah, this is back when every black dude had a dog with him, you know.

You meet them and you meet the dog. But, yeah, animals would attack you out in the circumstance. But yeah, this is back when every black dude had a dog with him. You know, you meet them and you meet the dog. But yeah, animals would attack you out in the street. I got attacked by two cats once on my birthday. Dude came off the fucking roof where I ran outside. I was so excited. How old? What birthday was it? I was probably nine.

Oh, fuck. Oh, dude. You didn't stand a chance. Oh, I didn't. And I hadn't even been out of the house much before nine, and so I was ready to really get out there. And the second I go running out, dude, just so excited,

hopped up on fucking bad cake. And these two cats came off the top rope, bro, right off the roof. Oh, they got right back in the house. Happy birthday. Fuck it. I'm staying indoors. Yeah, they shook me down pretty good. And they had, well, one of the men, they had a man next door who was painting part of the apartments, and he

owned them. And so we tried to do a lawsuit against him, but it didn't work out. It didn't pan out. Yeah. I mean, you can't sue people who don't have any fucking— Why not? If they're your neighbor, they ain't got shit to give you, man. What, you want my stray cats? You can have these two cats.

That's all I got. Yeah, what are you going to sue me for? A couple cans of Matt Finish, bro? You know? We're shutting it down. I mean, I'd imagine times have certainly changed, though. I'm pretty sure you're doing well for yourself now, so that's got to be a big life change. Yeah, this year, man, I just started making money.

Was that it? I wasn't sure. We're interviewing a lot more comedians now. I actually, as much podcast stuff as we do, I don't really listen to them. So I'm just starting to get more of a feel for comedians and what's going on in the industry. And I feel like you just kind of recently popped. But I don't know if that was just because I didn't know the scene. So you think this year is really when it really started to take off?

Yeah, I would say probably like in the last nine months. Wow. Really? You know? And really after kind of after the – You had a special a couple years ago, no? I had a special a couple years ago, but it didn't do anything. It didn't do anything.

So you just started making money, but you had a Netflix special. Yeah, four years ago. So they don't pay you for that? I mean, obviously they pay you. Oh, yeah, they pay you. But it's not big money. Yeah, it's not big money. You know, like after everything's all said and done, you know, I think maybe I probably took home like 50 grand from it.

But when you think about, or maybe 70 grand, but when you think about, you know, it was 12 years worth of material. The return on investment there is not the best. It's not huge. Yeah. That's interesting because I know the joke is kind of like everybody gets a special these days. Yeah.

But that's not true. Like, we didn't, you know. But to know that you'll get. Francis out there won, you know. The freaking 12th member of the Von Dutch's or whatever. What's that singing family from the mountains? The fucking, oh. The sound of music with Francis Ellis.

That's perfect, man. That's perfect, bro. That's exactly what he is. Von Trapps. Von Trapps. Yeah, the Von Trapps, bro. By the way, I do have to shout out Francis. He's the one who set this all up.

So, shout out to him. Appreciate that. And it was nice. I mean, he's going to be on stage in Medford tonight. Tonight at the Chevalier. Yeah. Which is, I mean, that's a pretty premier theater, man. Somebody said it's a real shithole, but I am excited to be there.

I think it's a lot of people. That's what I meant. Yeah. Fuck what it looks like. There's a lot of bodies and a lot of money coming in. Oh, dude. So you'd say that this- Let's do that White Snake.

Let's start a fire, bro, and see who's who. You know what I'm saying? Or who was that band that died white what white wait wait oh whites died in it though but like i think 60 whites died and that was out in providence and all right yeah that's what i know what you're talking about fucking that was a dark turn that was a dark turn man it's like a famous rh Island fire. I forget the name of the band as well. Bro, remember your fires, dude. A lot of people died, bro. You're like a Rhode Island dude, too. You got to know these things, man.

It was a long time. I was young. Bro, it wasn't that long ago. I'm going to Google it right now. Rhode Island club fire. I bet I was no older than 12. I feel like that was going on more recently. I feel like I kind of remember that. Yeah, R.I.P., man. Shout out to those people, though, man. White Snake, I think a lot. I feel like that was going on more recently. I feel like I kind of remember that.

Yeah, RIP, man. Shout out to those people, though, man. White Snake, I think a lot. It was like a, ah. Here I go again. Those guys? People died in a white snake? No, it was called Great White.

Great White. I was 14. Wow. But it was at the station, the station fire. Wow. Rest in peace to those people. Yeah, rest in peace. So this last nine months is really when it's been going down.

I feel like, so what does that mean? Do you mean you're out in L.A. or whatever? What changed in the last nine months for you? Well, I think Joe Rogan really gave me a lot of support by having me on his podcast a couple times. He's a fucking king, man. Dude, it's the mafia. It's like he kisses you on the cheek and you're a made man and you're in with him. And you get a sp Bert and all that.

Yeah, he runs the world. I mean, it's crazy how there's no articles that like – I mean, I've heard he gets 40 million listens a week. I've heard more. Yeah, I've heard it's like – yeah, I guess that makes sense, like over 120 million a month, some shit. It's crazy. Like, that's crazy. I mean, it's just like – and I think there's just – I think Hollywood got a little too narrow. I think they got a little too narrow.

I think they got too insular or something. I don't know what that word fully means. Sounds about right. Yeah. It also sounds like maybe something from astrology, you know? Like the moon's going to pass by somewhere. And then so they got too narrow. And so people wanted to just talk and listen and have a- Some alternative type of shit.

And he's the fucking don of it. I mean, as much as podcasts are mainstream now, it is still, compared to TV and all the other mediums, it is, yeah, the new shit. But he dominates it. How do we get in? How do we get in on that? I think you guys are doing fine.

I don't know, man. We're not doing Rogan Mafia fine. But I think there really is these levels. There's like a you know a you know a comfortable level and then there's him in this you know he's kind of like the moon so i like this this astrology theme here i like yeah so what what like how did your rogan experience pun intended go like did you you know do you like try to get in with him or you just get lucky and he likes you or like yeah i didn't even know him, or you just get lucky and he likes you?

Yeah, I didn't even know. I mean, I knew of him, you know, and I was scared of fighting and stuff, so I wasn't really into the MMA that much. Even though I just talked to my buddy Dustin Poirier on the phone, who's going to be the next frickin' champ, Max Holloway. Look out, dude. Fuckin' shoulders McGillicuddy Max Holloway out there. But, anyway, I don't know what a lot of that means. But anyway, I got a DM from him one time in my Twitter inbox,

and it was like 11 o'clock at night, and it was like, hey, man, let's podcast. Dude, that's it. That's the DM. You get that, and it's like, my career is made. Honestly, your life will never be the same after that. Yeah, I just felt welcomed into this kind of little universe. You get that And it's like My career is made Honestly Your life will never be the same Yeah I felt like Just welcomed

Into this Kind of like Little universe Kind of you know And then after that He's also just been super Nice And he's had me back on there

And we didn't even know Each other really So it was almost like We'd just gotten to know Each other in that space And That's a big That's not an interview

That's like an audition That's a That's a job interview Not a podcast interview That's a I'm like trying to prove myself Yeah That's not an interview That's like an audition That's a job interview Not a podcast interview That's a I'm like trying to prove myself Yeah That's Pearly Gates

That's like loitering On a Pearly Gates That's what We had Burt on A couple months ago probably And Burt was talking about When he showed up And he's like

I'm just gonna tell you I need an hour to fanboy And he got in there And he's like He's like I ran around I was playing pool I was like a kid

In a candy shop And then I got worn out And I was like Okay now we can podcast. But what's funny is that was a while back, and I said to him like, oh, would you recommend doing that now? And he was like, fuck no. Joe would hate you if you did that now. So I feel like the fact that you got in now when things already have really popped, I think that's a big testament to what you're doing out there.

Because I don't think he lets just anybody into the crew really, you know? Yeah, it's like a thing he chooses. You can't like ask him about it. Right. You know, it's like – It's some mafia shit. It's crazy. He's the godfather.

It really kind of is, man. And then Joey Diaz has been very supportive. Coco Diaz. I mean that guy calls me once a week just to see like how I'm doing like on like just a human level, like what's going on. But then, yeah, so I think the comedy was going. I've been working hard at the comedy. I've been doing it for about 14 years, and then it kind of just all kind of came a little bit to a head.

And then also like Hollywood, I feel like to me, all the celebrities kind of went one way in the election, and it seemed like they were judging the rest of America as if they were seceding from the country or something you know and and that is what it is right but it left this whole people were angry i was angry people were making fun of where i was from you know or just it felt like that vibe and so i think there was just kind of this there's no southern people they haven't even put a southern person on television and i don't think 20 years i mean i mean i can't even imagine how much blake

shelton gets hit up to do everything you know it's like there hasn't been a comedian yeah we had we had luke bryan on tuesday oh yeah you're an american idol guy was that awesome yo he's the fucking man is he handsome what's he like bro i like women. Dude, I like women, too, and I was like, I get it. Call me up. I know who he is, of course, but I don't really know his music, and I don't know him that well. So I was kind of like, what's the big deal? Let's see what happens. He walked off the elevator.

I was like, damn. Tall guy, handsome. He's one of those people. We've had a lot of stuff. He's like Santa. He's got one of those vibes where it's just like, okay, I know you're somebody. Whatever you say, whatever you do fucking matters. You have power.

Yeah, he feels it. Like a superhero, like Captain Marvel, we saw that Monday night. He's got those powerful fists that just radiate. That's his whole body. Oh, imagine if he comes on your back, bro. Fucking, you know.

It's just hot. Like, yeah. It's like going down a water slide without even going down one, you know. Probably just feels

fucking cool, you know. If you're into that kind of stuff, dude. If you're into a cone on your back, yeah,

no big deal, man. Which I've never been into, dude. I did have a bird shit on my back at the beach once

and I fucking got nervous. Yeah. I got nervous that maybe I fell asleep in kind of a men's area, you know But I do On the beach, did somebody come on me? What's going on here? Someone jerked it off on me? And also, remember, there was like the feminine

Like, everything got very Like, men were scared Remember, like, a year and a half ago Men were, like, scared Still going on, man It's still tough It's like So I think there was just this zeitgeist

Where it was like, you know, it was just, I don't know. And that's how I think podcasts really popped as well to another level. Because it was like the place where men could talk about stuff. Even their own fears and stuff. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's what we do here is we joke around. We don't talk about being men because we're not. Yeah, everybody talks about being the alpha male.

We're like, we're beta boys, man. We're not that tough. We're not that cool. We'll just fucking, you can call my back, whatever. Oh, God. Wow. Yo, so, but. But Rogan, I mean, yeah, I think that definitely, him being supportive.

And he doesn't act like, you know, he just lends his support. You know, he's like, you know, when he said some nice things and stuff like that really kind of picked me up. Like, uh, like I remember after the podcast, um, he kind of called me and said, Hey man, you know, I just want to let you know that I think you're a funny guy and if there's anything I can do to help you out, you know, just let me know. That's crazy. And you didn't have to do that, you know,

so it's like some of that extra level stuff kind of made me feel even more, you know, not like... Accepted? Yeah, just accepted. Were you... And I think for so long I just wanted to be like accepted. You know, it's what we all kind of want. Hell yeah.

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Get free two-day shipping. And you get 10% off when you use the promo code KFC. And then Chris D'Elia, we fuck around with each other. He's rich, dude. You see he's on Netflix. Oh, you didn't watch that show, you, did you? No, I didn't. I've heard of it, and I know getting a part on it is a big deal.

Yeah, recurring role on season two of that. It's no joke. Bro, he got a tattoo of Scrooge McDuck on his fucking back, bro. Oh, wow. How rich is that? Yeah. You better be real rich. To be honest, I don't know if you – Scrooge McDuck dollars is reserved for, like, fucking Bill Gates, man.

That's true. That's Jeff Bezos' money shit. He's really crazy, but – Were you scared to call Rogan back? Because, like, Bill Gates, man. That's true. That's Jeff Bezos money shit. He's really crazy, but. Were you scared to call Rogan back? Because like I'm. Yes. I'm so, if someone's like, call me if I can help at all. I'm serious.

I'm like, he's not fucking serious. Yeah. He's just being nice. And I'll never call him back. So, but you called. I was scared to text. I was scared to, I was like, do I, well, when I got the DM from him on Twitter, I was like, do I message him back?

Do I wait till tomorrow? Who am I right now? You know? Am I like. Pretty hard to get? Or am I like, do I message him back? Do I wait till tomorrow? Who am I right now? You know? Am I hard to get or am I like, hell yeah, I'm eager. Yeah. Am I a guy that went to bed early tonight, you know, after some fucking. Sorry, man. I was out late.

So. You, you're sober now, right? Yeah, I'm sober, guys. So no drugs and alcohol, you know, for me right now. But I'll hold the fuck. I'll hold the back of your neck while you do a strong line, bro. You feel me? You're one of those, yeah, I'm not going to judge. I'm just not going to partake.

Oh, yeah, bro. I smell your breath after a hot graham, dad. But, yeah, right now, not for me, man. Right now, meaning what? You're leaving the door open? I think you should probably stay this way. It's a better way to live, I would imagine. Yeah, it's pretty good.

For me, it's working. And that's another thing. Also, I ended up getting into sobriety like two and a half years ago. So everything's just kind of been on this sort of place where it's going okay. And if I could just take care of myself and just kind of stay out of my own way, then everything just seems to kind of be going okay. I heard – I'm a Mets fan, and I heard that – Benny Ogbayani, boy.

Yeah, man, the Hawaiian fucking punch, baby. Oh, I saw two Puerto Rican ladies fist fighting at the first game I ever went to as Benny Ogbayani was playing. You guys got beat 13 to nothing. That sounds like the quintessential Mets experience. They got your ass kicked, and it was Puerto Ricans fighting in the stands. That's the Mets for you, man. Somebody stole my hat, too, actually.

Usually you get a hat at a game. Somebody fucking stole it, dude, but it was fun. Grimy shit, dude. What a shitty organization. But I heard that Darryl Strawberry helped you get sober. Is that? Because that's usually not how that goes. Those usually don't go together.

Darryl helping you get sober. How because that's usually not how that goes those usually don't go together daryl helping you get sober how did that how did that go down um well dude the crazy thing is oh this indian guy came up to me the other day he goes oh i i heard your uh story strawberry daryl that's what he called him strawberry daryl and it blew my mind like that's got to be somebody's name, Strawberry Daryl. Strawberry Daryl sounds like the name of the male strip club. Stage three, Strawberry Daryl is coming out. Bro, that has to be a strip club. Let's go.

Let's open it. Yeah. Let's let a couple seagulls loose at the beach. It's Strawberry Daryl day today, you know? Yeah, man, I got high on cocaine one night here in the city, and I ended up with a taxi driver, this dude Luigi, and I ended up driving the taxi. He's in the back. We're up in North Harlem.

He got me an escort, and I didn't want an escort. He's in the back with the escort, and I'm driving. Wait, wait, wait. So he gets the escort, and you're like, nah, you can have her. I'll drive? Yeah, I was like, I ain't interested in this, man. You know, we've been doing

cocaine back there and he, uh, he like put like a fancy like some paper, like, because they had this light in the taxi that wouldn't go off and he like taped

some paper over it. After a while, like this shit got a little like kind of street car named Desiree kind of, you know, like it got a little weird, but yeah, then he got this hooker.

I didn't want to be in there with him in the hooker. But then I felt kind of alone by myself out on the street. Then I got back in and he's like, you drive, man, you drive, you know. And so I fucking drove tax. I was still paying for it. The meters are like almost $300. At that point, you got to turn the meter off, guy. Come on.

At that point, you're just buddies sharing a night. This is no meter off Guy Come on At that point You're just buddies Sharing a night This is no longer business Come on dude Once there's a hooker involved And you're driving I think you turn the meter off Shit

That dude did blow And fucked a hooker In the backseat It was the most money He's ever made in a night That sounds like Double dipping to me You fuck the girl

And I have to pay you Shit That's a Trump plan I think he was on dude At least do like The airport $40 flat rate. Turn it off and that's it, man. Shit. Yeah, he should have.

So we ended up, yeah. And then I had to go to the radio station. I was doing this when Opie and Jim had a show. Okay. And I got there and Daryl Strawberry was on the radio. And I couldn't even talk. I was so fucked up and I shouldn't have gone. But I had just gotten to know Opie.

And so I didn't want to let him down or not show up, you know? Yeah, yeah. And so I was in there and I was just so scared and I'm sitting across and there's Daryl Strawberry and he was all put together. And I was... So that was like your epiphany? Yeah, it was like this epiphany moment because you'd always heard that he was like a crackhead or something, you know. But here he was.

He was like super successful and like well-spoken. I mean, it's 630 in the morning and I couldn't even talk. And my voice is my weapon. That's the only thing I have, you know. So it's like I couldn't even use it and I'd always kind of judged him in a weird way. Right, right. Just because of what I'd heard. And here it was like this moment of like judgment and clarity and like,

just like, it just kind of, it was like, it just kind of came into this focus that was like, okay, maybe I'm, you know, not as,

you know, I'm not, I need to do something different. Right. Was there, was Opie or any of the guys like, what the fuck, man? Was there like any?

They know. They didn't know. I didn't tell them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was, and I'd go any of the guys like, what the fuck, man? Was there like any? They didn't know. They didn't know. I didn't tell them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd go in on the break and do coke in like the little bathroom there, and like Andy Cohen's in the stall next to me, you know, with the tappiest shoes. I swear, that guy's shoes tap the floor even when he's not even stepping, you know? I'm like, dude, take some of the tap out of your shoes, dude, you know?

Well, I mean, it's a good thing you – You go and you go to Turkey there. After that, you're like, that's it? Well, I got back to L.A., and I feel bad, man. I feel like I'm monopolizing the conversation. That's the point, dude. Yeah, it's all good. Okay.

They hear from us enough. Yeah. I got back to L.A., and I still had a bunch of cocaine on my counter, and that almost was a scary thing because I had left it there. And I was new in cocaine for a long time. I hadn't done it for years. I had just had like a couple of months, maybe two months where I did it one night, and then the next week I did it one night, and then the third week I did it two nights. So it was just like – and I had never been into it really, so it was just kind of like i was realizing i had like this it was addictive yeah yeah but i got back home did the rest of my cocaine that i had on the counter

and then after that i told a dude i went to a meeting a manager for this big management company and he was like what's going on and i just told him the story i told him about strawberry daryl and uh and then he said oh you know, I go to meetings or something. So I started going to different meetings. And, yeah, it's been cool. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you made the right choice because things are going good now. I would think that you are one of the few people that were inspired by Daryl in the other direction, man. Yeah, so that's been pretty wild, man.

Have you guys ever been taking like a, like gone, you know, not done this or not done that or taken away from, you know, pornography or weed or beer or anything? I just usually indulge in all the vices. I don't like, I don't think, I don't think, I've never taken intentional time off where it's like, I need, like I've never done like sober January. I think Francis might have just done that recently or something like that. So February, whatever fucking month it is they do. I've never run into a problem where I've never been like, oh, fuck, this is affecting me.

Yeah. Oh, perfect thing. Yeah. Then I think I'm all right thus far. Who knows what happens down the road. But I actually – I've been watching Catastrophe on Amazon Prime, which is like Rob Delaney's show. And he's sober. And he's talking – I don't know if he's a stand-up –

Yeah, I'm familiar with the mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's sober. He had a much more horrific story of how he decided to get sober. He was living out in L.A. He crashed a car into a power company, power something like that. Broke both his arms. Ripped both his knees to the bone.

I believe took out, like, the power on, like, blocks. Oh, hell yeah, bro. The whole neighborhood was out. Hopefully it was during, like, a big game. Hail Mary, the ball's in the air trying to crawl around a power plant bro that is a crazy game show and he was like he was like he i don't know if he went to jail but he had to go to rehab this in the halfway house and he was like if you wanna he's like you wanna know what'll get you

sober he's like it's having two broken arms from getting a DUI or from crashing your car fucked up. And you can't jerk off for three months. Oh, wow. It's like, I couldn't watch porn. I couldn't do anything. So in his show, he kind of plays a guy named Rob who is sober. So he kind of plays himself in a sense. It's not exactly doing tea.

He's got a family out in London. But it's comproving himself. And there are a lot of hints at the to like drinking too much and stuff like that and it's people who are like you know talking about like they're going through psoriasis and shit like that and i'm only 30 and i'm like it's a and they're like 45 50 in the show but in my head i'm like wait a second is that me am i on that i never really think good because i only think it's superficial pain i of shit you can see. I'm never like, what's this doing inside of me? But you got that fair skin, dude.

You got that sense. You got that Downton Abbey skin. You know? So you got to be careful, dude. Anything. A fucking strong wasp could take you out. You know? You got to be careful with that fair skin, bro.

You know? Downton Abbey is spot on. You got that fucking you got that late 1700s tone I got powder this shit in the morning like if I

think about you I see like a boat behind you you know people starving like famine you know like you definitely you know you came

over on you that shit boy you definitely there's a ship under your feet in the distance you know genetic distance

you got voicemails queued up so we got people they call in it's not live it's just like a pre-recorded call they're usually There's a ship under your feet in the distance, you know, genetic distance. You got voicemails queued up? So we got people. They call in. It's not live. It's just like a prerecorded call. They're usually very idiotic.

So let's talk to them. Oh, great. Time to get into these voicemails with Theo, brought to you by Fleischman Salon. They are selling gummies like a motherfucker. They're flying off the shelves right now because here's the deal. Guys are finally realizing if you want your hair to look good and grow and be thick and luxurious like Feidelberg's, you got to do something about it. You can't just sit there and look in the mirror and hope that it happens. You're going to do that. Your hair is going to fall out. Plain and simple. You can't beat father time if you're not doing anything about it.

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All of a sudden, you're going to see you're not going to have any gummies left because your girl stole them all. So girls, guys, both alike, go to Fleischmansalon.com. Click on the hair gummies. Get your subscription going and use the promo code KFC to get 20% off. What's up, KFC Fights? Vincent Philly. So I had this, would you rather, but I feel like it's too obvious and you guys have probably done it before, but just in case I won't throw it out there.

Would you rather have to jerk off right before sex every time or right after sex every time? I'm an after guy myself, but like I said, I don't think I mean, I feel like after is

borderline impossible for me these days. Shit, I'm not a young man anymore. What do you mean, like right after? Yeah, right after. I just turned 34 years old today. I can't do that anymore. Is that Kevin's birthday? Oh, happy birthday, man.

Thank you, man. I certainly can't jerk off right after I finish. Dude, that's awesome that it's your birthday, bro. I guess so. I mean, lived another one, you know? Yeah, it's cool, man. It's a fun day when it's your birthday and you get up and you're like,

it's my birthday. Yeah, well, we've been talking about it the past couple days. I struggle with it because I'm not a big birthday guy, but then you feel like an asshole like you're keeping it like a secret or something. Like, it's your birthday.

You should just say it's your fucking birthday, you know? Yeah, it's like some weird shame we have or something. Yeah, it's birthday shame. That's what it is. It is. Well, women ruin all of that shit with these fucking 90-day birthdays and the fake eyelashes and the fake eyeballs. Some chick got fake eyeballs put in.

What does that mean? Yeah, she went to some country. There's something about it. She got her fucking eyes taken. I'm like, you're an idiot. Get the fuck out of here. Like, you're blind now, but your eyes look better? She's blind?

What? No. Get out fuck out of here. Like you're blind now, but your eyes look better? She's blind? What? No. Get out of town. No. That's some fucking minority report shit. That's chicks. Oh, I think it was a white girl that did it, dude. It's gotta be a white girl.

But that's chicks. Yeah. I don't know. I'm thinking about it now. I could use some Alec Baldwin eyes. I could use some new eyes. I don't need to fucking see. Yeah.

I need some new eyes. What the fuck's that? Yeah, it's so old fashioned. People have been seeing for years. I mean, you were just doing that recently. You were training your eyes, right? You had the fucking eye patch on? Oh, yeah.

I put that patch on, dude. Is that what that was? Your brain doesn't work the same when you go to one eye. So you did this on purpose just to fucking- Just to train, bro. Train what? Your brain? Train for the future.

Yeah. The future. I'm ready, dude. Dude, i'll be able to fight the chinese of one eye bro you know what i'm saying and the chinese are coming dude i went to china this year or last year they're fucking coming bro if you don't think the chinese are coming dude then wait a second and think about it again because they are coming you think like the army's coming like they're coming like i mean i'll tell you what. Because I'm not a very smart guy. Yeah, me neither.

I don't know if you picked this one. So this will be good. It's just three very dumb guys here. So I, like, I always hear about, like, the deficit. And they're like, yeah, we owe China $115 trillion. I'm like, dude, when someone owes me $100, I'm calling those motherfuckers on Tuesday. Like, what are you talking about we owe them trillions of dollars

what does that fucking mean there's a billion of them and they're coming to collect bro they each want one dollar that's what I heard that's the goal bro they're all coming and they each have to get one dollar I'm always like

every time the US Devin's reach its its highest point, it's $120 trillion. They've got to be collecting soon. They have to be. Oh, baby. Like, yeah, the whole country is impoverished, and their president's like, don't worry. They owe us $115 trillion. We're going to get it soon. That has to be what's happening, right?

There's no way you just let us keep getting up and like, we're just going to take the country. They took half. Like, the Louisiana Purchase, we bought that for $17. we're just going to take the country. They took half of the Louisiana purchase. We bought that for $17. They're going to come take American money. You're welcome. It's ours now. Put up a sign that, by the way, this was listed as $117 trillion, so we'll just call it good. It can't be happy.

It can't be happy with this agreement we've got. Dude, you've got to vote Trump again just because it's going to get fucking good, bro. Just for the entertainment value. Oh, I thought today he's the most entertaining president by far. I will say this. If he if it doesn't get like all of the hearings and all that shit, don't get finished by the time he's done. I might vote again because I don't want my show canceled early. Don't cancel season three. I don't want my show canceled early. You know what I mean?

Like, don't cancel the season. We're on season three. I want to get through to season six. Give me the six season run. I can't just not know Give me that 100 episodes.

Give me that 100 episodes. I mean, they're like, I gotta see the trial. You kidding me? You're not gonna renew this for another season to see the fucking trial?

That's crazy. It's so good, man. It's the best, bro. It's the best, bro. It's made everything so exciting, I feel like. We might be at war. Like, for the first time, I get up and be like,

oh, you know, something might happen today. You know, the apocalypse today. Yeah, yeah, dude. Living on the edge, bro. I like that. I like a little bit of excitement.

You know, I believe in reincarnation, so, you know, we'll figure it out. You think you've already been reincarnated? You think this is... How many lifetimes do you think you've been reincarnated already? Oh, I think I'm still a novice, probably three.

Okay. So what were you before? What were you before? I think I was a man maybe. I could have been a woman, maybe native woman, you know, or something. Nothing too dark, you know, but I think maybe Laotian or Polynesian maybe I could see because sometimes I smile and I feel like there's like the hands of like uh this is gonna seem crazy but the hands of like an Asian person kind of holding the ends of my smile up from the inside of me and that's crazy bro but I

can inside the mouth kind of just like yeah like there's somebody like right in my heart and they just put their like hands up and they push this part of my face that makes the smile stronger inside of me. And you think that's Asian and Polynesian? So you gave up on sobriety about an hour ago. That's what you meant by you were like, yeah, right now it's good. Shrooms are about to hit, so. I just think that, that Fuck I don't know What I think man

I'm so happy to be in here though It's so Dude in LA It feels like you can't even talk Like regular guys out there Like at least It's a weird spot Do you feel like it's gone

We were just talking about New York comedy last night I've started going to more clubs Just to watch I'm way too much of a pussy To ever get on stage But I've tried to go more And

I was talking about how Like every time I see Like L.A. comedy, it's like always so bright. Like it's like the Laugh Factory where it's like feel like they got 100 spotlights. They got the big like orange sun back there, the navy blue, the teal blue background. Yeah. Whereas here it's like you're in a fucking basement. It's a cellar, man.

And I'm not going to pretend. It's called a cellar for a fucking reason. I'm not going to pretend you're anywhere else. You're in a fucking basement. Yeah, you're in the depths of it, brother. Yeah, it definitely feels more... I don't know. L.A. is like...

The whole city feels like it's just so scared and so weird and so lawsuit-y. It just feels so lawsuit-y these days. You want to know the difference? Let me tell you the difference. Yesterday there was a picture. Penn Station on 34th Street. It's a big hub of the city. And there was this dead homeless guy, and they just threw a fucking blanket over him and put some tape around him, and the city just kept it moving.

Was it a David Blaine thing? No, it was just a fucking dead guy. Oh, oh, oh. And it was just a dead person. They just put a tarp over him, and they just put put some caution tape up and everybody just went about their commutes. And it was just like, we got shit to do here, man. And it's just, it's a dark, dreary, dead, stinky, grimy place. LA's happy and sunny and we got dead people and it doesn't even phase us here in New York.

That's that fucking Edgar Allan Poe taquito right there they made out of that dude, it sounds like. Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, you got to stay stay busy but that's the thing about the Chinese man like if you you're walking down the street you're with your buddy he dies dude seven Chinese people come up make a soup out of him everybody eats and you fucking keep walking like that's what China's doing they're not milling around and seeing how people feel you you know, and like worry. Nobody's on antidepressants, bro. If your buddy's struggling, you fucking drink his blood and you keep moving. That's what they're doing.

And they think of it all as like this big, you know, they just want to do well as like a group. Collective, yeah. And we're not welcoming Chinese. Like, I love Chinese people. I love everybody, you know. You know, Pretty much everybody Who don't you like? There was an except

Just say it It's okay I mean there was a couple Of black guys When I was growing up That were fucking pretty mean And then there's some people In LA that's definitely greedy

But outside of that But the Chinese are scary But the Chinese They But they're more You can't just go live there Like It's not like their borders

Are just open to everybody You know Come on over here They're like Fuck you bro You're here for six months Dude get the fuck out bro What'd you go over there for?

For stand up To do some comedy shows That's See like that shit's We always talk about that With like You know I try this

Obviously not as bad But people who like Like call like Like the the Ottawa beer who went to North Korea. Oh, yeah. And there's, like, people who are crazy, man. And, like, there were people who were like, I'm going to fight ISIS. There was someone who was like, I'm going to fight ISIS. Oh, yeah, two whites on a fucking bicycle. Yeah, yeah.

Over there. Guess what happened to them? Yeah. Or the guys who went to the island in India. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The missionary who was going to convert them, and they just fucking hit him with a spear. Dead. I like to travel.

Bow and arrow. Pow. Some dude over there trying to play Sims over there with the motherfuckers, and they pop. It's in a game? They're not going to fucking convert me? Yeah, the Bible in a fucking bag of quick cream, and they pop. Everybody was on the aborigine side or whatever. They were like, yeah, fuck that guy.

Yeah. He got a bone arrow to the face and nobody had any sympathy for him. I'm going to start doing that in my apartment. You come by, pow. No one comes out and I'll kill you. That's a good idea, dude. Put a sign out front, though. Like one of those owner has guns sort of thing or whatever.

I will shoot you. Protect yourself a little, yeah. And just hold a bone arrow at the door and just wait all day all day long dude one of those dope ass people that opens wide enough for a bullet to go through it so i'm saying dude right in the fucking eye man stay woke bro china's coming china's coming somebody's coming dude you think it's thai food nah motherfucker somebody's about to die stay woke bro give bro. Give me another voicemail. Oh, and we have the dude jerk off. Did you guys even answer his question?

I mean, I think my answer, I don't want to do it before. Again, I'm 34. Either way, I'm fucked. If I do it before, it ain't happening. If I do it, I can't do it after. Yeah. I'm just not going to have sex. Out on sex.

I got that superpower. I got that turnaround time. Do you? He just keeps going. I don't even think it's turnaround. I think he just keeps going. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I'm like part woman. That's crazy.

Multiple? You got multiples? Yeah, firepower. Do you even go down or do you stay up the whole time? I've done both. What? That's crazy. Are you sure you're coming?

Like, do you know what? Are you sure you're coming? That's crazy, bro. You got to go on the road with that. Because that's not happening everywhere, dude. That's a special fucking talent. It's like the circus, you know? You've never done that after where you're kind of like.

Nuh-uh. You leave it in? You leave it in. You're kind of like doing more kissing. Like, whoa, hang on. It's back again. I mean, I won't lie. That's happened to me once before, but it's not a regular thing.

No, I mean, it's not. It's not super regular, but it's like any superpower. If I'm in danger, I can conjure it up. You can fuck when you're in danger, bro? Wow. I can't fuck if there's broken glass in the room, I know that. I can't even fuck if the air conditioner's on. Yeah, bro, I got limited range, bro.

I don't even really like fucking. My new thing is not even coming. Sex is for the birds. I've't even really like fucking my new thing. It's not even coming. It's not even. Sex is for the birds. I've been out on sex. Yeah, out on sex. Sex is fucking. Sex is so fucking old news. Such a hassle.

Such a production. I'm out on it. Yeah. Done with fucking. It's overdone. It's a wrap. Like, sex had a good run for like 50,000 years. Over for sex, dude.

Just put on Netflix and shit, dude. I'm out on fucking. It's anti-society, really. Yeah. Yo, sex sells, sex drives everything. I don't do it. I'm done. I'm immune to whatever you're trying to make me do.

I don't fall for the billboards because you put a pretty girl on it. Because I don't even want to fuck her. Nope. I'm not falling for these tricks. The man is trying to shove the sex down my throat. Nope. But what else are we doing, though? I agree with you guys throat But what else are we doing though I agree with you guys but what else are we doing In it's place I wonder

That's what I start to wonder You mean people as a whole or just like What am I doing instead because he's watching Netflix Yeah so it's Netflix and just nothing Not chill it's just Netflix and Netflix Netflix yeah A lot of Netflix A lot of loneliness A lot of Netflix. I'll mix that with Amazon Prime.

I'll get nasty. A lot of loneliness. Yeah. A lot of depression. Yeah, sex has kind of jumped the gamut, though. It's like it's, why do you think? Because pornography kind of killed it. Pornography really kind of killed it.

Probably. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm just watching porn. Done. I don't need to have the sex. I'll just watch the sex. Do you think that porn has had a legitimate effect on society? Oh, yeah.

You don't think so? Yeah, I definitely think so. Yeah, look how dry this young fella is over here. Dude, half the guys in here got dry skin, I noticed right when I got off the elevator, dude. I was like, somebody needs to fucking break both of these dudes' arms and drive them into an electrical plant. Because these fellas have been cumming too much locally. Here's what I'm thinking is this, man. It has.

I'm actually 90 days off pornography right now. No shit. And I feel so different. You don't do anything, huh? Right now I don't. Just fucking comedy, huh? Yeah, pretty much.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're 90 days off porn? Yep. Not 90 days off masturbation? No. Okay. Because that would be literally impossible.

You'd be lying to my face if you did that. I would be lying to your face. I masturbated probably within 48 hours, but not within 24 hours. Okay. Yeah, that's a pretty good run, too, though. Thanks. So what was the – we heard the –

You killed me, man. The moment of clarity with drugs. What was it with porn? What made you decide – It was also Daryl Strowberry. He saw a video with him. Yeah, drugs. What was it with porn? What made you decide? It was also Daryl Strowberry. He saw a video with him. Yeah, dude. I had to go back to fucking see how else he could change my life, you know?

Was there some, you watched like something that was some dark shit and you were like, I can't watch this anymore? No, I just got tired. I just realized that it had become, it used to be something fun. I used to bike across town and go jerk off. And my buddy's dad had some, you know, nudie mags and shit. And I'd climb in their window. Even when they were home, I'd climb in the window because I was so ashamed of myself.

Instead of knocking at the door and pretending I had to shit. And then use the nudie mags they had under the sink, you know. One time my buddy knocks on the door of his own bathroom. He's like, dude, how'd you even fucking get in the house? I was like, I fucking came in the window, dude. I'm sorry, you know. But I'd go over there and masturbate. And because all the nudie mags we had had been, like, affected by weather, you know,

and they had the good shit. And so. Where are you storing the nudie mags? We were keeping them outdoors, bro. Was it Box in the Woods? We used to We were keeping them outdoors. Was it Box in the Woods? We used to do that as a kid. You ever have that? Yeah, yeah. Did you seriously? Because some people have done this and some

people don't. Yeah. Like we had a communal box of porn. Like we all ride our bikes out to the middle of the woods and look at the porn. And some people are like, oh yeah, we did that. And then what? And then ride back home and jerk off? Doubt that, bro. That's called homosexuality, bro. Me and my buddies just jerking off in the woods.

Don't fucking judge me, man. I'm not. Don't you fucking judge me. I think it's neat. You ain't lived until you jerked off in the woods with your buddies, right? Oh, you haven't literally come and heard a couple birds in the distance, you know? Kevin's like, yeah, I was an outdoorsman as a kid. Like, oh, your dad took you hunting, too?

Nah, I mean, my pals would ride bikes in the forest and fucking come all over the place. Yeah, dude. You're a real Cameron Haynes over there, brother. You know? Jesus, man. You're fucked up. You're a— Judgmental fucks over here, man. Wow, 34, huh?

Prudes, bro. Prudes. That's right. But, yeah, it was just—and so then I realized, like, it used to be fun. It was like I was thinking about sex, and it was, like, erotic. But then I realized over time that it had just become this bad habit that I would do at night to, like – it had become a habit. It hadn't become anything I was doing to, like, be sexual or think about sex. It had just become this bad habit.

Okay, I watch porn. I jerk off. Then I go to bed. So at that point I was like, oh, this isn't a habit that's helping me out anymore and then after in 90 days man I feel so much I really do feel so much different I think about sex a little more and I relate to women a little bit differently I don't feel as desperate for I don't think I don't think about sex as like uh when I meet girl, I'm not just thinking about sex. It gives me like a little bit of a – I don't know.

It just gives me a little bit more of a – Perspective? Yeah, perspective. Perfect. And controlled relationship with sex where you used to feel like this thing like talk to a girl, think about sex. But now it's like I'm not thinking about it as much it's like i would think the opposite i would think too that's exactly i think it's like i don't think about that like when i talk to a girl now i don't i don't i'm not i'm not right away like

we're like we should fuck i'm like yeah i just talk to women but i would i always i still think that if i stopped i would i would start differently but you're telling me the opposite's true yeah for me word for it yeah for me it has been. It just – because I realized that I started to have this sort of – this compulsive relationship with sex. And so that's kind of what it was. But now I don't have that as much. So now it's a little more casual. You getting a lot more attention from the females these days?

Not that much, dude. You know. So you always got a lot of attention from the females then? Not that much. I mean I look like Tom Brady and Shrek had a dude, you know. So you always got a lot of attention from the females then? Not that much. I mean, I look like Tom Brady and Shrek had a kid, you know? Yeah, but you got that hair where it's like it's peacock, and you walk in with that hair, and it's like, what's this guy's deal? I got to go see what he's all about.

Yo, what's this guy's deal? Used tires? That's what most people think. Nobody's thinking, like, what's this guy's deal, you know? Hedge funds? No. Hedges. They're thinking this guy's fucking spent time in the yard, you know?

Yo, it plays though. Chicks like that shit. It's one of those ones where it's like he's somebody. It's coming back. This haircut is coming back. Actually, we kind of talked about this. Who could bring it back? I think you're doing it.

Well, Jody Highroller took it. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I think you're going to push it over the edge. Thanks, man. Or Bradley Cooper's got to get this haircut, and then it becomes mainstream. Oh, if he gets it, dude. He should get a jerry curl. Yeah, if he got a jerry curl, pull him out.

He has a jerry curl. He's almost Jewish. Is he Jewish yet? One more movie, he's Jewish. Let's be honest. But he got to get a jerry curl, dude. If he goes jerry curl more movie, he's Jewish. Let's be honest. But he got to get a jerry curl, dude. If he goes jerry curl, bro, we all win. That's what I think.

And what was it? What was the movie he was in with Christian Bale? Is he Jewish yet? American Hustle. American Hustle. He's got a jerry curl in that. Did you guys like A Star is Born? Oh, buddy.

You saw it like 10 times in theaters. Fuck, so sad, huh? Did you like it? Oh, it was good. I think I saw it three or four times in theaters. Fuck, so sad, huh? Did you like it? Oh, it was good. I think I saw it three or four times in theaters, I think. It was good, man. Monster movie. Yeah, that was a good flick.

What else? Yeah, very sad, man. What else have I seen recently? Oh, Wreck-It Ralph. I hated that, dude. It's too hard to watch. You don't like it? This is the cartoon guy over here.

I just watched it. I wasn't into it? This is the cartoon guy over here. I just watched it. Okay, alright. I'm happy you say this, because I did this as well. I bought it. I rented it, because I like video games and shit. I felt like I missed out on something. When I started to watch it, I rented that shit. No, I mean on demand.

It's like a blockbuster or something. I thought you rode a bike to somewhere and got it. Rode a bike, I jerked off, and I went to the fucking Blockbuster. No, I put it on Wreck-It Ralph and I was like, this isn't that good. Yeah. And I was afraid to say it.

I'm also, I really, really didn't like Captain Marvel and I'm very afraid to say that. Wow. I really didn't like it. Like, I actively hate that movie. Really?

Yeah. I went with all these guys and they all loved it and I was like, yeah, you know, it just wasn't for me. And on the inside, I was like, this movie fucking sucked, so I'm letting it out now. I hated that movie.

There you go. I won't fight you on that. I thought it was fine. It was all right. See, but if John says it was all right, that means it sucked, because he usually loves everything. That was the Chris Pratt one? Chris Pine? What's the one where he's dancing in the caves in the beginning?

No, Brie Larson. The chick is the new superhero movie. Brie Larson from what? The Chive? From Room. Yeah, from Room. I haven't seen that. Room is their big one.

It's the new Marvel movie. It's like the new superhero movie. Oh, yeah. It comes out on Friday. We got an advance, you know. Oh, dang. Oh, you hang out with Joe Rogan? Whatever.

We get to go to movies early, all right, bro? Four days early. Oh, I don't hang out with Rogan. I don't see how Rogan hangs out with anybody. Dude, he does so many podcasts. He's either killing elk or doing podcasts. That's it. Every time we talk about Rogan, I don't know much about him.

He's chopping up elk always. He's always hunting elk, and he's just constantly chopping up. He's got a cut of elk, bro. He's eating things. Probably we can't even fathom. I bet he's eating man. I was going to say, he's definitely tasted humans before. He's got that human money?

Yeah. I could see him hunting humans. What do you think a human body runs you for dinner these days? You want to say, he's definitely tasted humans before. He's got that human money? Yeah, I think I could see him hunting humans. What do you think a human body runs you for dinner these days? Like, you want to go out and get a nice filet of dude. Where?

Are you talking about an alphabet city? Yeah. Probably... 60 bucks? 60 seems a little fucking cheap, dude. Damn, treat yourself, bro. You're eating a human.

You're going to go cheap on fucking a human? No, see, the thing is, if you're going to eat a human, it's that you're paying for the hunting. You don't get to just order a human at the restaurant. You have to kill that human. They bring it by the table first. They give you the knife, and then they...

Damn, bro, now we're in China. It's like growing up on the farm shit. Yeah. You don't eat shit unless you kill it. Exactly. Some Ned Stark shit. It's got to be by your hands. Yeah. You watch Game eat shit unless you kill it. Exactly. Some Ned Stark shit. It's got to be by your hands. You watch Game of Thrones? Uh-uh.

But I saw the first season. Yeah, he's like, you've got to chop this guy's head off for sure. That guy was badass. Oh, the first season was so good, man. I've got to watch the other seasons. I don't know what happened. I think I just turned it off or got busy doing something. Yeah. I don't know why I asked that with

tone to me because there are so many shows I'm like, I love that show. It's like, oh, yeah, what'd you think about the finale? Oh, no, I only watched six episodes. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I should've kept watching more, but there's so many shows now

you kind of just fucking got other shit to do. Yeah. Got other porn to not watch. Yeah, porn to not watch, dude. And do you guys ever get this feeling, I started getting this feeling, like, Netflix,

all the shows feel the same a little bit, and it feels weird. They churn out so many now that it's bouncing. It's like algorithm-based. They're like, we know A plus B equals B. They even say that. You know, 99% match. Like, you like this show, so you'll like this show. I'm like, yeah, well, yeah, it's the same fucking show.

Right. That's why I like it. You made it twice. Yeah, but it just feels different it just feels like all the shows feel like it feels like you're at a um trying to equate like a store to it where everything kind of feels a little bit the same like even though the shows are all different and stuff it all feels like it's like oh this is netflix like like if you blindly picked a bunch of shows and didn't tell me what networks they were on i feel like like I could pick all the Netflix ones somehow.

I feel like I could do that with every network, though. I think I could do that with CBS. ABC shows. Yeah, I feel like that's a CBS show. That's a good point.

I feel that. You see that R. Kelly shit today? You see his interview? He did the urine. I didn't see it. He did, Gail King was interviewing him

and he just went berserk, man. Actually, maybe you could play the audio. Can you pull up? You don't even, seeing it is one thing because he's basically crying, but he was interviewing him, and he just went berserk, man. Actually, maybe we can play the audio. Can you pull up? Seeing it is one thing because he's basically crying, but he was just like, this is my life, and y'all are fucking taking it from me. I didn't do this shit. He'd gone crazy.

Damn. It's like, well, you know, you raped like 50 people, man, so. Jesus. We're not going to take it easy on you. And also, what about Chicago? Like, some of these people had in there like when did these accomplices when did these record execs somebody knew some of this oh everybody knew this shit man that's the thing there was people on that special did you see the specialist it was uh

yes there was people like in on his team being like yeah like we forged the fucking marriage certificate so that he could marry an underage girl and we brought them back to the house it's like well why aren't those fucking people getting... But they're going after these laymen, too. It's like, you know, that's just a buddy he has working with him. You've got to get to the top. Yeah, who were those guys? If somebody had to know, you would think...

Oh, yeah. I mean, everybody did seem to know. It was the worst playing, worst secret. It wasn't Ahmaud Bradshaw. I forget who it was, but someone was interviewing him on BET, and they're like, so are you two dating? It was him and Aaliyah. She was 14.

You introduced the interview with a 14-year-old. Why are we being like, so are you two? Like, come on. It was a weird time. And Aaliyah's like, the woman doesn't tell. And R. Kelly's like, man, you know what it is. And they're all laughing about it. You started this by being like, you're a 14-year-old megastar.

And I wonder what mindset we were in. Like, oh, that was. I know. And not long ago. It's like we're all complicit. That was mid-90s? Late 90s? No, it was like mid-90s. Like 95 or something like that.

We gotta get back here. 95 was fucking good, man. I mean, that part wasn't cool for a lot of the kids, but... Everybody else, it was popping. Dude, everybody was getting molested somehow. You know? I thought. Maybe not, man.

I had a computer science teacher who rubbed my shoulders a lot. There we go, boy. You know what I'm saying? He was a guy. Oh, no, you were raped by a babysitter. Yeah, dude. Nah, no. Well, all right.

She sat him down and forced him to watch weird pornography. It's a little bit molesting. She's like, do you want to come see what's on the computer? I'd be like, yeah. It would be, you remember Rotten.com? Oh, yeah. It was that. It wasn't even porn.

It was like snuff films and shit. The Babysitter. That website was gross. Gross. You know what? That was awesome. There was a picture. That's gross. The babysitter. That website was gross. Gross. You know what? That was awesome. There was a picture. It was good.

I remember one so vividly that you showed me where it was a picture of two construction workers, right? And they had hard hats on, naked aside from that. Uh-huh. And they put their dick chained together. Oh, wow. And it looked like they were having some kind of tug of war or something like that. Oh, yeah, dude.

That's like that first inin-class truck commercial. Yeah. Toe capability or whatever. First in their class. 1,800 pounds. Yeah. Larry and – J.D. Power and Associates ranked this the fucking highest payload.

Ranked Larry and Donald the fucking first in their class, bro. Dude, that's crazy to fucking chain your dicks together and run in opposite directions, dude. That's basically like Namibia or something. That's Sierra Leone shit, bro. I feel like it would just go right off. Just pow. Oh, yeah. It wasn't like horses.

It wasn't like a drawn and quartered. Like, they fucking just smack you on the ass and see what happens. It was. It was like they were just like they were holding on to the handles of something. It almost looked like the even bars in the Olympics. Yeah, parallel bars. They were like holding on to the handles of something. It almost looked like the even bars in the Olympics. Yeah, parallel bars. They were holding on to the parallel bars. And they were just like, and they both pulled.

It was a picture. It was before you could watch videos on the internet. It was a long, long time ago. A video would take a week to load. Imagine your parents found out the babysitter was doing this. I mean, she was a weird girl. They probably had an idea. She sexy?

She was like the senior slut. Yeah. Wow. was a weird girl. They probably had an idea. She sexy? She was like the senior slut. Yeah. Wow. That's that girl. Dude, she at least should have let dudes come over and hook up with her and you guys be in the distance, you know, trying to rest. I think I had heard a story. Trying to sleep one eye open? Yeah.

By the time I got to high school, my freshman year, I went to just my town high school. And by the time I got to high school, I was on the hockey team and like some of the older hockey players would still like come by practice and stuff like that yeah they'd be like yeah dude i've had sex in your driveway oh that's cool man like she'd be babysitting was it gravel or was it paved no like they like they'd they'd just roll up in the car she'd be like i'll be right back in five minutes like no one don't fucking stick a knife the electrical socket yeah and then they'd they'd be like yeah to a loop around the block just fuck in the car really wow that's cool man different times brother good for them good for her good for him good for you too yeah people used to fuck it used to be kind of championed by society you

know now it's just lame now like if so if somebody came by and was like hey come out here and like i'll fuck you in the car, I'd be like, I'm good. I'm all set. I literally had that happen a year and a half ago. I was home. I was home at my parents' house and a girl was like, she was drunk. I was like, I'm coming over.

I was like, no, we're not. Was this an ex? No, it was an ex. This is a demanding local, huh? I was like, no, we're not. I'll be outside your house in five minutes. It was a neighbor with high expectations. I'll start honking the horn. I'm like, no, you won't.

It's four o'clock in the morning. I think I was watching. Damn, she wanted that, huh? I forget what movie I was watching. Good for you, I guess. Low standards. Yeah, when you're drunk, you'll take anything. Even the guy on the couch watching, I don know iron man yeah i was watching something i remember she was like where the fuck

are you and i just replied with a picture of my man of like my tv yeah as i laid on the couch i'm just sitting on the couch i'm not coming out busting these autobots over here gang bro that's crazy dude well r ke Kelly he had one thing where he was like In the thing In the crazed rant Which I'm sure it's lawyers Recommend not to do But he

Did you pull it up Listen to how crazy he goes He uh We can just explain it But he starts like like, screaming, and he's like, I'm fighting for my life. Y'all trying to take it from me. And, like, when people say that, that resonates with me because it makes me think, I'm like, I don't, like, he looks crazy. But if I was innocent, and I don't think I know.

I don't think he is, right? He's going to I don't think I know. I don't think he is, right? He's going to obviously have his day in court. I don't think he is. But I'm like, if I was innocent, I don't know what the fuck. Because people are just like, look at him. He looks like a man unhinged. If like fucking 50 women accused me of raping him and I didn't rape anybody, I would be a man unhinged. I'd be fucking screaming.

I'd be like, I didn't do that shit. Because you see the other side of it, like when there's a husband and the wife is dead or something like that, and the husband is just very stoic at the interview. They're like, he did it. Look, he's not even crying. He's not even emotional. But if you go crazy, they're like, oh, look, he's clearly a lunatic person.

So either way, you're fucked. If I ever get accused of something, just take me away. I did it. I didn't do it. You're going to believe it anyway. I'm fucked either way you're fucked If I ever get accused of something Just take me away I did it I didn't do it You're gonna believe it anyway I'm fucked either way Done Just rip my dick off

Rip my dick off There's no winning It's crazy bro It is dude But it has to change man That's what's going on They're trying to kill men People are trying to kill us, I think.

See, that's why I think if we stop fucking, we take back the power. Yeah. Right? Because everyone's like, oh, men are like chauvinistic. All I want to do is have sex. Not these three fellas. Yeah. Not these three fucking upstanding citizens of the dickmunity.

You come over here like, oh, you just look at me like a piece of meat? No, I do not. I don't even want to fuck you. Yeah. I'm going to fucking use Audible And get a book Lady Yeah

Thank you very much Okay Barbara There was a There was a fucking A town And I believe Nicaragua A while ago Where the women

That's where my father's from Oh really Yeah I think this is where it was I could be wrong But the women of the town They wanted a road built It was like the town, they wanted a road built. It was like a rural town.

They wanted a road built to real town. And the men weren't doing it, not having it. So the women banded together, and they're like, no man in town gets any pussy. They had a pussy lockout. Until we have our road. That fucking road got built that weekend. Wow. Power of the pussy, man. If we as men are like...

I don't even know what I want. I pretty much... I don't think our dicks are that good, though. Well, no, but... You heard about his dick earlier? It just never stops. I got that limited dick. It starts... It is, dude. You heard about his dick earlier? Apparently, it just never stops. I got that limited dick.

It starts... Yo, look, man, like... Here's the problem. It starts small, and then people hear about it. The women have all the best sex toys, though. Once Brad Pitt's not fucking anymore, they'll be like, all right.

Well, that's true. We got to cave to these demands here. But it started with three guys in a shitty podcast room. I like that, man, because at some point, it's going to be embarrassing for women. Oh, you're just getting fucked

by some little toy with batteries, something, because at some point it's going to be embarrassing for women. Oh, you're just getting fucked by some little toy with batteries, something you brought from China. That's true. That's probably hiding crazy ideas in your pussy, you know? Yeah, that's how they get in. Yeah. They go from the pussy to the brain. Easy, bro. You don't even have to be a science major to get onto that train, you know? That's tinfoil

hat shit right there, son. That's Eddie Bravo, dog, you know? And look, man, that's a thing. At a certain point, they're going to want human back. They're going to want some human male back. And that's when we... Strike. We strike. And we strike more chill, though, than we did strike the first

time when people were striking. Strikes are harsh words. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We bunt. Yeah, there you go. There you go. I like that. Alright, man. I feel like we could do this forever We have to stop at some point Yeah man thank you guys so much

I know I was running a little bit late And I just really appreciate it man This is super cool This is like a fucking Iconic place I feel like You know so Yeah I don't know about that but Hey if Theo says it then

If Theo says it sure This is a guy who sits with Joe Rogan And Crystal Lee And Burt Kreischer He says this is iconic Yeah Crystal Lee spit on me one time on accident. I almost just did it for being totally honest. I saw his thing and it went over there.

I was like, fuck, don't hit him. It's better than spitting on you on purpose. Yeah, dude, we ain't at the beach, bro. This ain't Jones Beach, daddy. You know, we ain't on the fucking train. Happy birthday, man. I appreciate you. I know it's your birthday. Thank you, daddy. You know, we ain't on the fucking train. Happy birthday, man. I appreciate you. I know it's your birthday.

Thank you, dude. Tonight, the Chevalier, and then Caroline's May 3rd, May 4th here in New York, and everywhere else. You're going to see Theo fucking everywhere, because he just blew the fuck up. Congratulations, dude. Thank you guys very much. Yeah, man. It was awesome.

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