KFC Radio - This One Got Away From Us

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and leave a review! -(00:12:50) Watch along to the Timothee Chalamet peach scene: https://youtu.be/w2OOO5diqQs -Is Armie Hammer a cannibal? Does being a cannibal make you more or less hot? -Having sexts leaked -Top 5 Most Surprising celebrity leaks -Voicemails -Is it weird to carry around hard boiled eggs in your pocket? -What are your biggest inner office pet peeves? -What's the longest you've gone sober for? Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool Subscribe to the KFC Radio Youtube Channel for the full podcast: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Subscribe to the KFC Radio Clips Youtube Channel for the best clips: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I keep joking, quote-unquote, about this so that you guys are prepared. I want to be very clear. At some point, there are going to be bad text messages. You're going to be like, what the fuck, Blake? I'm sorry. Okay, the day got away from me. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

We're going to get right down to it. No small talk, no nonsense, no, like, let me tell you what's on the schedule today. We're talking about cannibalism. We're talking about, I mean, never has there been. I feel little right now. You are a little bitch. Can we do a little small talk real quick? Because I feel little. Now you're my height? bitch. Can we do a little small talk real quick? Because I feel little. Now you're my height?

Are we the same height now? Yeah, you are. You both do look very small in there. Okay, let's go up. I just went up sneaky, but you're looking the other way. I was going to leave it. All right. This never has been a better KFC Radio story.

It's like we're doing cannibalism mixed with sex, mixed with celebrity, mixed with celebrity, like a celebrity name, mixed with movies. Armie Hammer, the Winklevoss twin in the social network, and a couple other shitty movies,

which we'll talk about in a second. What else is he in? You have clearly not seen Call Me By Your Name. No, I have not. We'll talk about that

in a moment. Do you know what your boy did in that movie? Efron, would he pee on someone? No, but that's interesting. Is that what? Timothy Chalamet talk about that in a moment. Do you know what your boy did in that movie? Efron, where he peed on someone? No, but that's interesting. That's Pete's interest. Timothy Chalamet, when he fucked a peach.

And actually, can we cue that up and get that ready? I would like him to watch. I'm going to send you the one I sent, though, because you need the specific one I watched. Do you remember how that unfolded? Yeah, I remember the audio. It's not calling by your name, what Efron was in, where Efron peed on somebody. it's a him nicole aniston it was honestly it was the medically

accurate thing to do someone got stung oh oh god i got it yeah yeah yeah that's a different story um so you just if you you can find it you find the one um army hammer so he's in a couple shitty movies he his girl is a girl that he like hooked up with leaked allegedly his dms where he has all sorts of messages to her about wanting to eat her and be a cannibal now i'm going to to read some of the specifics because, like, when you – we've joked around about cannibalism here and, you know, you talk about some kinky shit and it's like, you know, things can kind of get out of hand. These are so bizarrely specific and aggressive. Armie Hammer on DM. I can't stop thinking about fucking your actual brain. That's quite specific.

Let me start from the beginning. Now, the DMs are kind of weird because she deleted them. I don't know if I've seen all of them, by the way. So before this recording started, I was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop. Okay, yeah, you know what? Yeah, no, that's right.

Let's set that up. I said, let's talk about Armie Hammer. Armie Hammer, A. Johnson. We're going to disagree on this one. I still think we're going to disagree, that's right. Let's set that up. I said, let's talk about Armie Hammery. John said, we're going to disagree on this one. I still think we're going to disagree, by the way. I'm telling you right now, if you disagree with me on this one, when this is all said and done, we've got some issues we have to address, I think. Well, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

But, okay. So I'm going to say that before I know the exact specifics. You tell me. This is important because I dove into this for one minute, man. So you tell me how this has unfolded to you. Okay. And we'll see if we're on the same page on that because I think that's important here. What's happening is there's a story and people are kind of reacting to it.

And then I think they find out the real story and they're like, whoa. Okay. Okay. So my thing. Ah, boy. The Spot is. Motherfucker said The Spot. So my thing, the spot is – Motherfucker said the spot. So first of all, I get immediately jealous of any celebrity leaked sex thing because I'm immediately like, well, how the fuck am I not doing that?

I'm a prude. Yes. I agree with that. I agree with that. OK. Yeah, I agree with that. Okay, but this is... Two is that I understand that sometimes when you're texting, rather than talking or actually being in the same room together, things get out of hand. And you say things that you probably cannot or would not do,

but you... I mean, there are, Kevin, there are a lot of text messages out there that if they were to be posted, you'd be like, what the fuck? Absolutely. I worry about it every day. I worry about it every day of my life, and it's going to happen. Number three, I'd kind of get down with some blood.

I don't want to fuck a brain, but if we're going to cut each other, let's do it. Okay. I totally. I waded into the water there tiptoe through that minefield i definitely agree that when when shit gets kinky in the celebrity world i feel like a prude i'm like oh man i'm not even like doing any of that cool shit um um what was your second point the second one was just the text get get out of here. You started saying shit. You know what one of my favorite phrases is? It just got away from me.

I was thinking about it in a more basic sense. I love when people are like, sorry, man, the day just got away from me. What does that mean? That means you just sat around doing nothing until it was too late for you to finish whatever you promised for me. And you just say, ah, they got away from me.

Got away from me, yeah. It's a great pitch. It is. It is. Yeah, it got away from me. It's like I was, you know, you go out drinking. You got away from me. You go out for a beer and, like, you end up having 10.

Ah, the night got away from me. You know? You're sexting someone. I do love it. Oh, it got away from me, man. And it's low key. Like if you really, if that was your real excuse for something serious, I'd be like, no, no, that means nothing.

That means nothing. Why did you not do this? But it's like, yeah, just got away from me. But the text message game gets away from you. And this is why, you know, like the, the, uh, the, the JJO movement was such a, like a, uh, uh, such a stark one. It's like, if you come, you won't send that message. It gets away from you up here.

And you can reset that if you want to. But also, we have to stop. So if I come in 10 minutes, guess who's coming back? Yeah, let's go right back. But at least you get that quick moment of that little reprieve. That poor girl on the other end of the... Is Jackie on right now? Yeah.

Sometimes. Hi, Jackie. Okay, so in the middle of football and everything, you sent it to me. You said, you see these Army Hammer texts. By the time... I was rock hard when I sent that. I read the Army Hammer texts. By the time... I was rock hard when I sent that. I read the Army Hammer text.

There was also another screenshot of a DM out from the same girl who told the story. Her conversation saying, okay, I admit it. I made it all up. And I think most people saw it like that. I think they saw the Army Hammer and they quickly saw

I didn't see the other one. Yeah, so there's a DM of her saying to another person, saying, I made it all up, even the part about cannibalism. Was it a person's reply? Yeah, we didn't give a shit about any other parts. Even the part about cannibalism. Let me read it exactly, because it's equally as, as like the day got away from me. Okay, I admit it.

It's all fake. The DMs, the photos, the audio. It's not even him. Just someone who sounds like him. A lot like him. But it was funny, wasn't it? And the person replied, the cannibalism was a bit much. So I think most people, because their immediate reaction was like, but it was confirmed to be fake.

Like as soon as they saw that, they saw it was fake. When you dig into the full story, this chick, House of Effie, is her name on Instagram. I mean, she's got all of the receipts and this is not fake. None of this is fake. She then came out and said the text message confirming that this is fake, that's fake. So someone faked that immediately. Probably fucking Army Hammer. Yeah, yeah.

Can I say something real quick, too, right now? One Minute Man is such a monster. It's so big and so good. But I personally love it because you just teach me things. That's the main. It's scary, by the way. I feel like a responsibility now. People are like, I get my news from you.

And at first I was like, you know what? That's fucking scary. That's like bad. But then I was thinking about my competition. And I might actually be the most unbiased news source out there. If it's like me, Fox News, and CNN, I'm going to call it down the middle. I'll tell you like, you know, I'm going to they're not going to be talking about cannibalism. So we're going to cover different topics.

But I will give you a pretty unbiased take here. No, I'm doing my research now. So I went all in on this chick house of Effie. So this all started with this. She tweeted out this picture. So she had bruise marks on her neck. And she said, you cannot do intense extreme cnc consensual non-consensual like that's like when we're going to agree to do like some rape like

rape shit yeah and then and then and that's where i draw the line cannibalism i'm in fake rape shit i think i'm all right well uh yeah no'm the opposite. I'm the opposite of that. Yep, yep. If you want to do a little, like, fake, uh, like, rape fantasy, I'll do that. I think I already kind of do. Um, cannibalism, I'm not on it. I get R-worded. I don't do the R-word. Yeah, well, no, I do a little

R-wording. Like, if you're doing the Fuck that! Nope. Listen, anybody who's into a little bit of like slap you around choke you a little bit you're you're wading into those water waters you know for sure yeah this chick though she she's got all the words cnc and aftercare those are two words i know that's like aftercare aftercare is like when you after you like fuck the shit out of someone and you do some of that some of that kink.com shit you're supposed to like take care of them you're supposed to be like you know you know at the end of kink.com where they interview them yeah like you're good right like

you talk about all the fun you talk it rather than cuddle no i think you know that that's when you're filming pornography i think when you when you do it i think yeah you're supposed to like you know make sure they're physically okay and like make sure they're mentally okay after doing some intense shit so this chick she says she was 20 and she just got like fucking hammered by army hammer and so that's where this all like started i guess and that's why she's she's putting all the shit out so these texts some of these text messages from army hammer wow head rush just how completely and actually let me tell this to set the scene he do you know the nickname he dubbed her? No.

This is the greatest. All I know about is the blood stuff. And I was like, whatever. Okay. You can cut me. You know when we say the best thing is like when a girl says she's sore the next day? Uh-huh. Right?

That's like, yes. This is, if you could have a nickname for the way you fuck, Armie Hammer allegedly called this girl the Michael Phelps of fucking. That is, that is. Like, it's honestly probably one of the highest honors that can be bestowed. It absolutely is. But it sounds preposterous. It's so, because it's so corny.

Like, Michael Phelps is this nerdy sport. Remember when Woody Harrelson called McConaughey a Michael Jordan of being an asshole? He's like, you're the Michael Jordan of being a son of a bitch or something like that. And so she is the Michael Phelps of fucking. Which is incredible because Michael Phelps is better at his one thing

than anybody else has ever been at anything in the whole world. So if you are the best at fucking, the best best. So if you are the best at fucking, you know, like a hundred gold medals, like in one, in like one session in one, in one Olympic, I think I'd like to be the David Bowie.

Whoa. Yeah. The David Bowie of fucking. Yeah. Yeah. That's just, I mean, that just,

that's like, cause he's like such a weird sexual being, but yeah, it applies to the fucking, but also like, I just, the great, the level of greatness.

Yeah. And like, also the David Bowie fucking is also like... Just the level of greatness. And also, the David Bowie fucking is probably like, I'll fuck a peach. I'll fuck anything you want. I'm going to throw it down. Let's take a break and throw it. You got to put your headphones on, right? Yeah.

You're going to absolutely have to put your headphones on. Folks at home, I want you to turn up your volume too. Do I sing his piece during this? No, no, no. So this is from the movie Call Me By Your Name in which Armie Hammer fucks Timothee Chalamet. They have an underage gay affair, but in it

also, Timothee Chalamet has like an American Pie moment where he fucks a peach. You might come from this, dude. For a guy who wants to fuck Timothee Chalamet, you might have to get loose. Yeah, here.

Hang on, watch. What's up, mama? He just fingers the shit out of his peach. He's massaging it gently. This is absolutely preposterous. He's like working the clit. I think that looks more like finger in a butt. The asshole, you're right.

Oh, listen to that sound. Ooh, ASMR, what up? Dripping down his naked chest, he's rubbing it into his goddamn nipples. I mean, come on. He's got a thumb in it now. And he's got this look on his eyes like, yeah, that's right. I mean, like, his... Honestly, the noise

works, the visual of it does not. Come on. What are you doing, dude? Also, let's call it what it is. This is the juiciest peach of all time. And he's sucking on the pit. That peach has been pissing all over him. He looks- look at this, he's mangled this thing. It's dripping all over his body. Look at that dripping down his fucking chest! Oh my god. What?

I'm so uncomfortable. Oh, this is Armie Hammer. Okay. I was like, why are we doing this? How did this come up? This is so uncomfortable. I'm eating it.

I've never been, I've seen a lot of crazy shit. This makes me so uncomfortable. Probably because I know you want to fuck this guy and it just makes me be like, what am I watching? Now his eyes roll back in his head.

He's like, yep, I'm going to fuck this peach, bro. He's doing Asiago. Yeah. Asiago. That type of cheese, motherfucker.

Dude. This makes me so uncomfortable. I mean, how do you film this scene? His eyes look great. Oh, my God. Look at his chest.

Look at his cum all over his chest. It looks like he got pissed on. Yeah. And watch this. He comes in ten seconds from a peach. This is the most unbelievable scene in movie history. It is. This is like, oh, look at his rice choking himself.

That's NC, what is it? It's CNC. And then he puts his fucked peach back on the cabinet there. Just in case I get hungry later. Bro, that scene, they took the American Pie humor and they just tried to make it sexy. I mean, if I ever came that quickly from fucking a peach, I'd be very embarrassed by myself. I would be quite embarrassed as well. But listen, if I came that fast from fucking a peach, the first thing I would do would be go to Roman and get me some swipes.

If I want to fuck peaches, I'm lasting at least 30 seconds. How long do you think you can fuck a peach with Roman? Oh, days. Yeah, right? Yeah. Have you ever thought about doing that grapefruit thing? I feel like I could. Also, that's what I was thinking actually during that scene.

If I'm fucking something, I'm at least going to be like, can I get a cantaloupe? Yeah. A peach. A cantaloupe? Yeah. A peach. The grapefruit is the one that like there's they said that there's the girls who like suck your dick with a cantaloupe with a grapefruit, right? I don't know. Yeah. I just thought out size wise.

Yeah. I just want like a peach. I mean, come on. It would be like a. I want something that could my whole dick could fit in. That's like he's just like fucking rubbing his clit. But it would look like, you know what it would look like? You know that thing that you roll out and you roll back in when you're working your abs?

It would look like, yeah, your dick would just be right through a fucking peach. I would go to Roman. I would get the swipes, and I would fuck peaches as long as I can. Roman, you want to last longer with your partner, or you want to last longer with your fucking peach? Go to getrcom. Go to get Roman.com slash KFC and you can get these swipes now no matter what you're fucking. A guy, a girl,

a human, a fruit, an inanimate object. You could be jerking off. You want to last longer? Train yourself to last longer. You know, I was going to say it's a sponsor and we're talking about fucking a peach. Roman's pretty cool. So if you want to fuck a brain and last longer go to get roman.com slash kfc can we cc army hammer on this ad real deal by the way i i walked by kelly i said can you get army hammer

on the show and she's like sure i was like you haven't read the story yet you don't know what i'm talking about because that girl has no sense of humor. She'd be like, Kevin, no, we can't have cannibals on the show. I'm like, it's a joke, Kelly. So she was like, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. He fucks girls' brains. Throw it to Google, Kel. Go to GetRoman.com slash KFC. You can get pills to help your hair grow.

You can get pills to get your dick hard. You can get the swipes, which are non-prescription medicated swipes that make your dick last longer. Honestly, you probably could just use them at home with your hand and just teach yourself to last longer. You know? I have. Yeah? When you're jerking off? I mean, I did it once.

Just to test it out? Yeah, just to see what it's all about. I mean, it lasts. Like, it works. Like what? You're going to tell me you haven't jerked off into a rubber before? Of course you have. Right.

That's a new age version of it, you know? And it gives you, like, just an extra, you know? I'll tell you what. I'll course you have. Right. That's a new age version of it, you know? And it gives you, like, just an extra, you know... I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. My arm got tired first. You know what's really funny? I think I've said this this year, is like, long-lasting sex

is for the birds. Like, really long-lasting sex. And the shame of it all, and the reason why like roman is thriving and in business is you just need to last like that much longer right you know like it's like it's like anything else where it's like if i could run you know that much faster i could turn pro you know if you just enhance it just a little bit you only need to last like two minutes more in bed because the difference between like 12 and 10 minutes is like four

orgasms you know it's like the um in in playmakers when the the great show that was canceled by espn because roger goodell made them uh it in there's a i forget they're the old running back for his damian harris i think is the second running back the younger guy um and i forget the original running back's name but anyway he's the the star, the aging star is benched. And the coach brings him into the film room and he's like, look, you don't have anyone. He's breaking it down. Point one seconds.

I point one seconds. And he's like, point one second ago, you hit that hole. You just go up. Now it's gone. And that's. And that's all. That's just a little different. You come in in like five minutes and she's disappointed.

If you make it to seven minutes, like you know how once they start coming, they don't stop coming, you know? And the hit's got stoned and they don't stop coming. So like if you could just get that little bit longer, it's a waterfall for her and like you and then you don't need to fuck them for like 40 minutes minutes you just need that extra bit and roman's gonna get you there so go to get roman.com slash kfc get the swipes for just five bucks along with anything else you want to fix your hair your skin your dick all of it get roman.com slash kfc so anyway after that quick little detour to fucking a peach back to army hammer uh he says i want to brand you tattoo you mark you

shave your head and keep your hair with me cut a piece of your skin off and make you cook it for me i mean i feel like the test all right i wanna i wanna you're out you want you want off this roller coaster yeah yeah yeah i don't want to make you cook yourself for me if that's gonna make you feel uncomfortable we got a long way to go okay uh he says the test can be endless like whose slave slash master relationship is the strongest we'd win which also makes me feel like he's got a whole like crew like a whole yeah you know party you ever you ever compare like you know you're thinking of the other couples like oh i bet we have the best sex like if he's thinking about oh who has the best slave master relationship he's probably like a dark

underground yeah when i tell you to slit your wrists and you this is you might be in on when i tell you to slit your wrists and use the blood as a lube for anal yeah yeah I'll rip that one. Sure. Now, and that got away from me. What I'm saying is I like the idea that would I actually want to fucking fuck your ass

with blood as lube? If we got in there, I'd probably cry. So if you started to offer that, you know what we're going to do? We're going to put a pin in that. Okay.

Remember that moment right there. We're going to circle back. I'm going to finish the rest of these text messages. I know, we're going to do? We're going to put a pin in that. Remember that moment right there. We're going to circle back. I'm going to finish the rest of these text messages. I know, but I can't stop thinking about fucking your actual brain. And that's the sweetest thing you've ever said. I can't see what she said, but everything you are,

every thought, every emotion, everything. Fucking every single thing you are. Good girl. Oh my God. I can see myself really pushing and testing you. And then what I think is maybe the most damning is he says, by the way, I finished Don't Fuck With Cats this morning. That shit was disturbing as hell. But the third episode had some moments that really turned me on. If you're turned on by Don't Fuck With Cats, that's worse than saying i want to fuck your brain that's worse than

saying i want to use you know what happens in episode three uh i don't remember it's the final episode but i mean that's like the pinnacle when it comes you know when it comes to a head of all that luca magnata like you know stabbing people with fucking screwdrivers and shit there's not much to really be turned on about logically in that. No, you're right. But what my favorite part is, and actually two things. We'll play. My favorite part is the one where he says there's a direct quote from him in his. Hang on, let me pull up. I got so many of his fucking texts.

This is something like if I ever died and like you let him through my phone, you'd be like, well, what's wrong with him? Oh, my God. That just may become so hard. And it makes me confused as to why. Yes. And't know what but is that even possible so hard thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling it when it beats now i could see in a court of law everything we've said here you you can argue. And then there's this text message. I am 100% a cannibal. I saw that one. Okay.

That one I did see. That's a bit tough. There's no coming back. That's like in Arrested Development. Like George Sr. would be like, like Barry Zuckerberg would be like, fuck, what? No. I want to eat you.

I am 100% a cannibal. Fuck, that's scary to admit. I am 100% a cannibal. Fuck. That's scary to admit. I've never admitted that before, but I've cut the heart out of a living animal and eaten it while still warm. Are we still on board with army hammer? John we're on.

I'm not as off as I was. Let's go. Oh, you're off. You're getting off. Let's go. What was it? What was it that made me get off?

Oh, making her cook her own skin got me off. You didn't like that. Okay, so. This, I can see, is a text message getting away from you. So, we're going to do a yes and a no column, okay? Under the yes, we have blood anal lube. Okay. Right?

You like that, right? You like that one. The way you said that was so like diminishing yeah you like you like that right you talked to pervert okay you like that that was cnc when you came in here you were ranting and raving about drinking blood so i'm gonna say you're on to that i will call that vampire sex sure so you like you like the anal lube i already don't like this being spelled out yeah well well we're gonna so you like blood anal lube you like the anal lube. I already don't like this being spelled out. Yeah. Well, we're going to. So you like blood anal lube.

You like the vampire sex. You like. And I like this in theory, to be clear. Like, if it was presented to me, I'd be like, sure, let's do it. But also, if we were actually in a room talking about this, I would say no. I would cry. Yeah. I would cry. Yeah. I would be like, no, you are on a different level than I am.

But as we're sitting here on a podcast, you and I, I'd be like, I can see it's kind of hot. So this is I think that's the ultimate defense here. I think he has two courses of action. And just from a story point of view, if one, the person has all of these receipts i'm gonna quickly just play uh the audio for you because that is before this gets going i want to be clear i have not heard the audio this is not at this is not as like gruesome it's just like well that's army hammer saying that this is true he they said the the the fake apothecary the fake thing saying this is all fake said no no that's just someone who sounds a lot like Armie Hammer. That's not how these things work.

I mean, like, I don't even know what Armie Hammer sound like. Well, you'll know when you hear. They were very risque DMs with someone who I was involved with in very much a sort of like kink based relationship, if you will. So a lot of shit was said that also most people don't relate to. It's kink, it's niche, it's fetish, right? Not yet. That's bad. And as if that wasn't bad enough,

think about this. You're having sex with someone and you say something to them in the heat of a moment when you're having sex. If someone else comes up to you and says oh my god i heard you said this to that person like you said out of the context out of the heat the moment out of that safe place where it fucking sounds my fuck that's a bit right now it's a little cringy it's a little gritty now so that so spot on.

But like I said, that's usually Sunday morning after a hot Saturday night session when I see, oh, my God, I said to her, I want to see you gape. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot. And now that I read that here on a Sunday. No, no, the harsh G is a lot. When I see that, you know, on the Sabbath, when I should be getting back from church, when I should be, like, reading the Wall Street Journal and having a cup of coffee while my kids run around, when I see that last night I said the word gape,

yeah, you know what? You know what? It got away from me, and it was a little cringey. Now, that is very different than opening up the phone and seeing, I want to cut a piece of your flesh off, make you cook it and eat it. That's beyond cringy, John. That one I stay on your side. That one I'm 100% with you.

It's also just downright rude to make her, like, I'll cook it. Make you cook it? I'll cook your flesh. I think if anything, he should want to cook it and he eats it. Because I have said before, if you can somehow concoct a perfect scenario which i don't know what it is i don't want to eat some human that's been like kidnapped or trafficked or murdered or forced into it but if i if you maybe not you you'd probably taste bad oh i taste i really taste who would taste good in this office you know

how like they talk about like grass-fed states yes you're not yes yes you is not grass but i might be like veal i might be very uh you know i got no like muscle i've been in a cage my whole life like yeah they just stand let me out but it's still i have a cage like body who would be good to eat around here and i guess we'll take women out of it so we don't sound like rapists yeah um who would be good to eat around here? Because I don't think, like, too good of shape is good either. You know what I mean? No. And someone who eats, like, decently. I would probably eat that fat ass of YP's.

Yeah, yeah. Right? Like, he's in decent shape, but he's got some jelly to it, you know? I would... Honestly, Caleb popped up. I thought Caleb... See, I feel like he's, like, muscular. I feel like he'd be tough.

I don't think Caleb's, like... No? I I feel like he's like muscular. I feel like he'd be tough. I don't think Caleb's like, no, I don't think he's, I don't think he's out of shape. Obviously. I don't think Caleb is like muscular, muscular. I feel like Marty would be pretty,

he's lean, but like he's not muscular. Marty, he's like a bag of shit. I mean, did you see their picture in the, in the calendar? No,

I mean, and again, I'm not, I can't throw stones. I opted out of this entirely cause I'm so gruesome, but it's, it's a hubs, Marty and Tommy. Yeah. I opted out of this entirely because I'm so gruesome. But it's Hubs, Marty, and Tommy holding the bats. And just like you see their backs.

And I mean, it's just like the back of a newborn baby. It's just like skin. You know what I mean? Not that any of us have jacked backs, but you'd think you'd see some muscle. A little piece of muscle. It's just like a flap. Somebody can fry up on a skillet look at that it's just like right i mean oh my god i mean correct me if i'm wrong those look like three

people i'm gonna go real hard here but that looks like a concentration camp right that looks like people on their way you know right i mean very pale also hums is that short oh that's a that's a shitty shot and tommy. And Tommy photoshopped. You just called him a concentration camper. And me going, well, he's a little short, huh? He's like, well, let's not go over the line. You know how height is. You know how girls go height.

He did photoshop his ass that, right, Tommy? Those pinstripes are all, like, warped. I don't know. I feel like he gave himself a little. Well, his caption is, I got a dump truck of an ass. I just feel like Tommy doesn't have a dump truck of an ass, does he? No, I have never noticed Tommy smokes his ass before. Imagine making Tommy's cheeks clap.

Oh, my God. So, anywho, who would you eat? Because my point is, if there was ever a scenario where you just slice somebody up and I could just fry up like a little strip of beef, like a little beef steak tip. That's right. Right. Again, as long as you're not like we're doing it against your will. Yeah, yeah.

If it's CNC, I will eat you. Right. Exactly. But this whole idea of like, you know, you're doing it to your partner, pretty extreme. But that defense is the one. That defense is 100% the right one. Or you can go with the Frankie Borelli. That was Navy Hammer.

That was my brother. I don't know. That's the other Winklevoss. Navy Hammer did that shit. It is. That's the other Winklevoss. Navy Hammer did that shit. It is. That's not me. And honestly, sometimes I think I'm the weird one in the sense that I'm like, boy, I got texts out there that I wish didn't happen. But I think everyone has.

Well, I wonder. I wonder sometimes because I agree with that. In everything in life, this job here has opened my eyes to one extreme of the other there are times where i'm like i am the most average relatable medium everyday man of all time like everything we say do eat drink like dislike there are there's a legion of people who agree with us you know but then i think as we've gotten um you know bigger and our lives have gotten a little more unorthodox, I'm like, I don't know anymore. I'm not sure anymore. Because I just see the life my friends live.

A lot of my friends now are just married and have two kids, three kids, and that's just it. And that's their life. And then, like I said, I'm throwing out the G word in text. So maybe I'm not so normal anymore but i would i would hope let's just hope for my sake our sake when our text messages are inevitably leaked out there that you all do i mean it's happening yeah i i keep joking quote unquote about this so that you guys are prepared i want to be very clear at some point there are going to be bad text messages yes you're gonna be like what the fuck, Flites? Yes. I'm sorry.

Okay? The day got away from me. My life got away from me. It just spiraled. It is happening, everybody. Every time a story comes out like this about somebody leaking something, I'm like, well, this is the day they're going to do it. It's going to happen now.

Someone's going to get some inspiration. This is going to be such a good Cold Takes exposure. He's going to quote tweet this with a fucking fire emoji. He's like, guess who called it? I fucking called it. They're coming out. Someone's going to post them. It's going to look bad for me. It's not that bad. It's just weird.

That'll be, maybe, listen, listen, listen. we've talked a lot about uh maybe like rebranding and renaming this show it's not that bad it's just weird it's a good podcast it's a good motto at least for the podcast so once again um because i mean how many times have you leading up to like a big night you know let's say you're in a long distance relationship and it's like okay we're going to see her for the first time in weeks or it's like

a third or fourth time you're hanging out after like sleeping with each other like where you know it's still going down and you start sexting it's like noon you know you're building up to it and you're saying all the things you're gonna do and everything that's gonna happen i'm gonna fuck you this way i'm gonna fuck you that way i'm gonna fuck you in this position in that position i'm gonna make you come this that and then you get together and what do you do you

just have some regular ass sex missionary and fall asleep done done so so those texts that we've talked about i didn't do any of this i just say this stuff i mean really i wanted to but like i don't even know about that i don't know if we can admit that i'm talking about mine right i wanted to i of course i wanted to i wanted to do all this like i had to edit so much of this podcast uh i wanted to flip you over and invite some partners in and bring out these toys. And you were going to do this to me and I was going to do that to you. And it got away from me. My dick got away from us. You rode me for seven minutes and we went to bed.

That's what happened. But what if your sex thing was like this you know what if somebody saw your sex thing and what if maybe it's not as extreme as cannibalism but what if you're really into some like you know one of these fucking rape role play things where it's like i'm gonna come in and hold you down and like throw you against the wall and then someone saw that and you were like well i say that shit that's what she likes and we like get into it and then we just have a normal sex yeah we in the industry call it CNC. Um, but dude, I gave her aftercare.

It's no big deal. Uh, I mean, that's, I might have weirder ones. I've definitely never said that. Like I don't cannibalism. No rapes.

Like that's the CNC stuff. I am. That is not a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, The area, I'm getting nervous. That is not an area I'd jump in at all. But I have things that you probably like. Like he should have been doing CNC rather than this. Yep, yep. Dude, I am right there with you, brother. I think, you know what I thought.

Nick, do you have such text messages? I don't think so. John, you know me. No, no. He's like, I wish I did. My texts are overly polite and ends in friendship most of the time. Nick is featured on Dudes Down Bad regularly. I feel like I say a lot of things that are ragingly inappropriate.

I say a lot of things that I'm incapable of. Yeah, right. Incapable. Right. It's like we might as well be texting about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, too. It's not going to fucking happen. It's not real life. Yeah, there are.

Sometimes I just see some word choices, but from both parties, you know? It's like, yeah, I'm not yelling at somebody who's just like why she's reciprocating just as hard as i am just just weird words no what's actually gonna happen so long story short anyway army hand is dead with army real weirdo god i mean if he was a little bit bigger of a star i think we'd have like a monster story on our hands what is he i feel like he's in he's in the johnny depp like uh zoro movie i think i think he played zoro when johnny depp played um like geronimo or whoever the fucking indian guy is the native american guy in uh in zoro he also was in yes you're right

it's exactly what he's like he's like a western guy right and then he he was in... Yes, you're right. It's exactly what he was in. He's like a western guy, right? And then he was in... Recently, he was on Netflix. He was in that movie like Amanda or something like that. It's like an Alfred Hitchcock remake. Oh, he's the man from Uncle, which I've tried like ten times. It doesn't work for me. But here's the thing, dude. He's six foot five.

He's a weapon. He's a weapon. You know who his grandfather was? Armand Hammer, who was an oil tycoon. So this dude basically is like the Winklevosses, you know? He's got big money. He's famous. He's rich. He's like the prototypical weapon, Adonis, you know?

I mean, Kelly Keegs wrote a blog saying this doesn't make him any less hot. I was like, Christ on the cross, Kelly. It definitively should make him less hot that he is a fucking cannibal. I think... I think it makes him hotter. I mean, that's... There are tweets out there right away.

Save for the line about making them cook their own flesh. The rest of it, I'm like, alright, I get it. This girl said, me sliding into Armie Hammer's DMs after finding out he is a beautiful 6-foot-four sadistic cannibal freak. And she DMed him, hey, you seem like a really great guy. I'd like to know. And did someone say six-four?

There was another guy. Nick, do you have that picture? Which one? Of the guy falling, overfalling outside of his apartment. It's so fucking funny. You pull it up. It's like this little, like, this gay, like, twink guy.

And he's like, there's a picture of him. He fell on the ground. Oh, with the ketchup. And he's like, me outside of Army Hammer's. I hit that with a yes. If you haven't seen the tweet, it's like me outside of Army Hammer's apartment or house being like,

oh no, I've fallen over or something. Because there's blood, you know, fake everywhere like come get me daddy fucking vampire freaks how do you how do you think you let me do an ad read real quick okay because we got a lot more to talk about this works this works in a way um when you have found the one, when you found a partner that you think you're going to click with, how do you navigate these deeper type of hobbies? Boy, I am interested to hear what this ad rate is for. I'm just saying when when you know

how do you bring up some of these things it's like oh you know oh you like the red socks like so do i and that's how you start out and then it's like oh you like this kind of food you have these this in common and like oh wow we we click we're compatible in bed and then it's like and then how do you broach some of these topics? And when you do, when Armie Hammer finds someone, I don't know if we can put Armie Hammer in here. It is. Let's just, we'll finish Armie, and then we'll move on to all ad reads. We'll get our ad reads in after, so no one has to be associated with the cannibalism.

So, rewinding. How do you think you broach this topic? Like, I find it difficult enough to be like, can I fuck this girl in the ass? You know what I mean? How do we get on that same page? Let alone, like, hey, you went through human flesh? I think that you have to.

Or is it a gross amount of manipulation? You just, like, find someone and trap them and then make them think these things are normal? Probably the latter. Probably. of manipulation you just like find someone and trap them and then make them think these things are normal or probably the latter um probably but the i would so okay so let's say it as a uh the master manipulator here uh i would if it was up to me i would cut myself wow you really are dark and just see what their reaction was. You know how sometimes when you cut yourself, you suck it? Yeah. What if she just grabs it and does it

for you? And be like, ah, this hurts. And then just see if they have an instinct to immediately do that. Because that's what I would do. But... And your reaction didn't feel great there. I would just... You would suck somebody's bleeding body? Yours? Or there. I would just like, if that's not...

You would suck somebody's bleeding, like, body? Yours? Or hers? I would do it to my own if it was like... I don't think I would do it. I don't know. You would do it. You would do it.

See? See, these are the times I say maybe we're not so normal. I would do it to myself. No doubt. I do it all the time. I'll bite my fingernails. Oh, shit. I would not do that to you. Well, I wouldn't do it to you. I don't think I would do it to myself. I would do it to myself. No doubt. I do it all the time. I'll bite my fingernails. Oh, shit. I would not do that to you. Well, I wouldn't do it to you.

I don't think I would do it to myself. I would do it to someone. Well, again, listen. When it comes to me, like, in the bedroom and shit, if it's with someone I would fuck, I will do anything. Just like... Just grab them on the couch and start sucking their breath. When I was little and cut myself, that's how, like, my grandparents, I think, handled

it. Is this too weird? Because I think what I'm saying is accurate. Maybe I'm misremembering it. Nick, did your parentals ever suck on your bleeding body parts? Not of mine, but I've seen, like, somebody do it. Yeah, yourself. Yeah, for sure.

I don't remember. Okay, maybe I'm misremembering. But I feel like... Okay, okay. I don't remember. Okay, maybe I'm misremembering. But I feel like... Okay, I'm remembering one single instance. It definitely happened... Okay, okay, okay. It definitely happened one time. I fell down a hill, and my grandfather just put my finger...

Because we couldn't... Sucked your blood. Yeah. And I guess... I don't know if it was a regular thing, but it definitely happened that one time. Which sticks out in my mind because I was probably like, this is fucking weird, bro. So I think maybe I would do it. I don't know.

I don't know the answer. And then, so you cut yourself, and if they start sucking, you start fucking. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that would definitely be a good sign. That's how i would figure it out um i have a question okay are you into like blood play i've never done it before i think you're into it though i mean this started off with like yeah yeah i can fuck with that but

like but i didn't think it was as serious as i think it is i needed to die yeah Neither did I. I mean, we know, like, this is, we need, like, a meme of some sort. Like, almost like the galaxy brain things. You know what I mean? It's like, early KSU radio was like, come. Oh, big deal. Like, middle KSU was spit. And now we're on to blood. We're doing blood now.

I mean, Army introduced me to it. What are you going to do? Blood is so aggressive. But at the same time, not. I think I'm winning you over a little bit. No. Would you do blood stuff before you do pee stuff? I think I would do pee stuff way before I do blood stuff.

I would do pee stuff first. What did you take a picture of? I don't know if you can hear that part. I heard a screenshot. Yeah, I did a screenshot. I'm going to make a meme. I know a meme. The scariest sound in the world is a ka-ching.

I'll have it done in like 30 seconds. Okay. Have you ever been FaceTiming inappropriately and heard that sound? That's not cool. I have been FaceTiming inappropriately and heard that sound. Have you ever sent something inappropriately where you did a voice note instead of sending it? No, but people do that all the time now. Yeah, that's that new shit.

Everyone just sends voice notes all the time. I started thinking about it as like a, you know, this was self-destruct in 60 seconds sort of thing. Like, I'll say that to you, but I'm not putting that in writing. Also, you could just screen record it. You could, but it does take an extra level of just, you know. Yeah. But I do not think that, i've never really done one of those i do not think that the i think a good rule of thumb as i've done this before i've been like if you are not comfortable enough to send this in writing with the person you should not be sending it at all like in in

voice recording you know what i mean yeah well they're also there are plenty of times i was comfortable with a person at the moment, and guess what? Like you said, in the heat of the moment. Things have gone horribly since. Have you ever heard of watermarking nudes? No. This is brilliant. I learned about this one recently.

And again, this is sort of like a, if you have to do this, you probably should not be sending the person these pictures. But early on, when you're not so sure, you send a nude and you pick a little spot and you just put a little mark or their initials or their name or something. You hide it. So that way if I ever leaked it and then she opened it up and saw

there it is. You were the one. That's the one I sent to you. You're the fucking leak. you hide it so that way like if if i ever leaked it and then she like opened it up and saw like yep there it is like you were the one that's the one i sent to you you're the fucking leak i'm doing that's some brilliant shit yeah i'm 100% yeah from now on when i i mean when i went and for no reason i want to know who i have to yell at yeah i almost you do that you almost knock on wood but or whatever also but the problem with that i would want i would want the leak to happen i would want to be so savvy to be like ha yeah yeah i got you using my watermark system ha i mean that's brilliant the also the problem with that is like i have like three nudes i just send them to everybody but but if every time you sent it you put like you know yeah you change you change you know you put their name or their initials or whatever my entire life i've ever i've only ever had like three the three times i

ever looked good you've all gotten them i uh when i when i learned of that i was getting um i mean i i got one um let me see if i have it without like zooming, zooming and not, you know. By the way, that's the meme. What? Jesus. I do not like that meme. All right. All right. Reveal it.

When I, like, I, like, the girl told me, like i used to like watermark pictures like now like i trust you like we're fine but like in the beginning this is what i did and i saw and had the kc in it i was like wow really that's fuck and like i didn't notice it at all it was like super subtle it's like god like that damn good move yeah i was like this is brilliant. Watermark your news. Holy shit, man. So anyway, to all the cannibals out there. We hear you. We cannot be the cannibal podcast, John. I draw the line there.

No, you're right. You're right. We cannot be the cannibal. I'm out on cannibalism. We do not kink shame. We do not kink shame. But I don't believe of cannibalism as a kink. I believe of that as an illegal act. No, you're right. You're right. I'm out on cannibalism. We do not kink shame. We do not kink shame. But I don't believe of cannibalism as a kink. I believe of that as an illegal act.

Yeah, correct. Until they change the laws, you can't do that. Once they change the laws, we're all in. All in. You know, it's like weed. It's like weed used to be like, we're going to throw you in jail for life. Now it's like, yeah, it's legal. No big deal.

Oh, my goodness. All right. So what do we got today? We got Stone Cold breaking no guest January. i mean when when the rattlesnake comes comes calling you don't tell imagine uh sorry steve we're doing no guest january shut up yeah he didn't come and just fought us yeah but uh so we talked with him and it was awesome i mean we talked um we talked a little bit about jake paul and what he's doing with McGregor and Logan with Floyd. We talk about The Rock and Mankind in that fateful match where he took it too far with Mankind

and what was going on behind the scenes with the rest of the guys with Stone Cold. We talk about his new show and the episode he did of straight up Steve Austin with Burt Kreischer, which is like, that's a hell of a combo. That's a combo that like, like if I was invited along on that, I think I'd say no. I don't want to weigh you two guys down, you know, let you guys just do your thing. So a stone cold coming up.

We've got voicemails of course, but first we're going to do our top fives and it's in honor of army hammer. We're going to do a top five leaked or hacked celebrity scandals. So any sort of media that's been leaked or hacked celebrity scandals. So any sort of media that's been leaked or hacked. It's brought to you by Blue Nile. Now, when you do find the one, when you do find the person who's compatible on every level and every safe and happy and satisfying way, you got to make sure you get them that jewelry, right? Jewelry is forever, man.

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and saw the look on their face. Well, you can't give the ring. If you give a ring during ring period of time, like ring ring, capital, this Christmas. No, no, no, not this Christmas. This was years and years ago. Okay. I'm saying if you've been dating someone for a long time and they might be expecting the ring like capital r

ring and you give them a different ring but it's in like a ring box and like they're opening it and shit that's what you did that's exactly what i did yeah and they thought it was like the ring no oh yes they did and they were not it was the opposite though it was they were not happy to hear that like they were like what they looked at me like what are you doing i was like oh no it's not that it's not that yeah and then it was like well i guess we're gonna break up soon because clearly this because you were horrified at the chance of marrying me you were you were petrified that it was going to be the ring so yeah this is a wrap yeah well um that's the beauty though it's versatile and when you go to blue nile.com

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Top five celebrity leaks in honor of Armie Hammer, that cannibal motherfucker. You want first pick? Sure, I'll go one. My number one is... Okay, so I have go one. My number one is, okay, so I have two here. I'm going to go with Tiger, the original, like, divorce situation. The piss text.

No, the piss text were two. This was just, like, just the day. I guess it's not, okay, so never mind. I guess I will take the piss text. Because the first one's not a leak. It was just, like. Oh, like the occurrence. Like, I will take the piss text. Yeah, no, that's all. Because the first one's not a leak. It was just like. Oh, like the occurrence. Like, I remember where I was. Me too.

I was in my ex-girlfriend's house that morning after. I can read it in the paper. Yeah. Yeah, it was really on the sports center, and his dad was at my buddy's house. And his dad was like, you guys are never going to believe this. It was. That was crazy. You're talking like nine iron to the head and to the car and all that shit.

Yeah. But no, I will take the pee text. You know what could have been crazy, by the way? She did hit him with a golf club, right? I know she hit the car and all that shit yeah but no i will take the p-tex you know what could have been crazy by the way she did hit him with a golf club right i know she hit the car but did she swing it i think she swung it at him definitely swung okay imagine if she just like connected in the head with a nine iron that scandal would have been totally different imagine if it was just like tiger woods's wife like he has he's like he's in a coma right now because elon like crushed him with a nine iron yeah it would that you're right it'd be crazy also like she honestly should have been in a lot more trouble for that like i just

realized that right now everyone's like he's the bad guy and i get it but like she tried to kind of murder him yeah it's like attempted murder attempted murder it's like again if the tables were turned if it was like i caught you cheating and i and I fucking hit you with a golf club. Yeah, it is a very different double standard is thriving. It is. That's yeah. Yeah. She should have been in a lot.

So that entire scandal, though, that leads up to you get the have you ever had a golden shower? I'm just morbidly curious. I remember that like almost exact word for word. Yeah, I mean, I cut and pasted that and just sent it over you throw in the i'm morbidly curious just to kind of just soften the blow in case you're like horrendously against it you know just just a weird thing i've been thinking um but yeah that was why i saw this on like another show show or saw this on the internet. What do you think of that?

Oh, yeah, me too. Totally gross. This is so weird, right? Totally terrible. Yeah, I would never. Unless you want to. Yeah, Tiger's up there. I mean, Tiger's the king.

You could do a top five all-Tiger. You probably could, but I'm going to go the OG of all, like all celebrity leaks, the Pam and Tommy video. Ah, yes. That might be really the king. Tiger is king of like. Yeah, I think leak happened more recently rather than like. That was? That was?

That was a fucking VHS. I mean, it was stolen, you know? Okay. So that was, you know, leaked now is like I digitally hacked in. This was like I broke in and opened up the safe and there was the fucking VHS. You know, think about that. Like now it's so much easier to get your sex tape leaked, quote unquote, stolen, hacked, whatever. I mean, back then those guys did like everything they could.

It was one tape. It's like the Wu-Tang album. Like there's one of them and it was locked in a safe. I didn't know that. I think at least I know the guy broke into their house and robbed them and then also got that. I don't even know what's on this tape, but I must

have it. Yeah, to me, that's like, leave the jewelry behind. There's something on here. If you open up a safe and you see a tape, or in this case, nowadays, a flash drive or something like that, you'd be like, that's worth it. You see a.mp4 or something like that. You'd be like, that's worth it. You see it. You see it. Dot MP4 or dot MOV.

You know, like this is going to, this is either got like, this is like who killed Kennedy or someone's fucking. All right. So tiger for you, Pam, Tommy,

for me, um, my number two, I am going to go, uh, Verlander and Kate Upton. That's just, uh,

it was, it was, if the list, because of Verlander, Kate Upton. That's just tough. Because of Verlander, by the way. Oh, 100% Verlander. If Kate's on that, it's cool, whatever. Verlander makes it legendary. All I care about is the man in the jeans.

Yes. Those Wranglers, baby. It is. Because there's one with, there's obviously his solo one. But there's one with both of them in it together, right? Yes. They're doing the prom pose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If this is the most shocking leaks,'s that deserves to be number one yeah like that is a they are just like

like the whitest couple yeah me and my wrangler jeans and that could be an old navy commercial yes yes that's yeah that's that's like old navy got like you know porno actually i kind of want to see it right now but have we ever nobody's ever interviewed Verlander here? Has PMT ever done it? I don't believe so. Because one of these days, I would love to get Verlander off the record and just be like, bro, those blue jeans. I want to sit down with Justin Verlander, and my first question is, how about those dungarees?

How about those denim? That denim you were wearing, bud. He's a big-time pitcher, a legendary pitcher. And when I close my eyes and think of him, that's what I think. That's how they should have done their fucking engagement picture. Yeah. Like how they, like, their engagement announcement. Yep, yep, yep.

Okay, my number two pick. Oh, I forgot you. Oh, I forgot he's naked. He's not in jeans in this picture. In the prom picture? Yeah. He's naked? He's not in jeans in this picture. In the prom picture? Yeah. He's naked? He's naked.

Is his dick out? It's the only person I can find is blurred. Yeah. Right, right. Boy, she just has large tits. I feel like sometimes I'm like, I never know if I can look at these or not. It's like, I think the FBI is looking at your phone right now. Look at those fappening pics.

Okay. My next pick is I'm going to go the second go round of Tiger when I saw his cock. Good dick. Because that to me, it was a weird dick. It was a good dick. It was a big dick, but it was bigger in the middle than it was at the top. It was like a sex toy. His dick looked like, you ever

I'm just going to say, you ever just jerk off too much that your dick's like you're taking a beating and it gets wider in the middle, right? I remember when I was like 13, it was probably the first time This is going to be our least relatable episode yet. When I first the day I first came john the first time i came i remember being like oh whoa

now i get it you know i was like wow that happens at the end of it so that day i you know blasted off like 60 times and like going to bed that night boy that thing was not looking like a normal shape you know and i remember being like that's it i broke it it's like i broke it and i'm gonna have to go to my parents and be like mom i broke my dick i need to go to the doctor luckily it went back to normal shape but that that dick and maybe that's what tiger had done maybe before those pictures he had jerked off like six times but tiger's dick in the middle was longer than wider than his tip and that made me feel weird about it.

But he's got a dick on him. I remember people were like, did you see the Lindsey Vonn nudes? I was like, I don't care about that. Let me see Tiger's dick. Because, I mean, until I see Michael Jordan's dick, which I don't know if I ever will, but until that day happens, Tiger will be the most important dick I've ever seen.

Right? Yeah, probably. Who could beat him? I think MJ, for me, would beat him brady's dick which i mean for you brady personally brady on a on a bigger level like would with that i don't think yeah you think like just because he like giselle and everything or like brady's in brady's dick would break in that for sure sure but would it be bigger than tigers oh you mean are you talking like actual size no no i mean i mean importance. Yes. You think so? Yes.

I feel like Tiger still has the edge. I feel like we're a little bit jaded by how big Brady was. I mean, he's huge. Was? Is? Is. Yeah, whatever. But no, I think the—

I think Tiger's still on another level. I don't think so. I think Tom Brady and Tiger are on the same level. And I think Tiger has came out after he's had a bunch of stories. True. In that sense, it would be like we have a true blue. There isn't a bad thing with him. Right.

Except for the deadbeat dad thing, you know? Even Bridget says they broke up before they knew about the pregnancy. And she says he's the best stepdad in the world. So shut up about that. Number three, Yeremia Yager. What's that? It's just him in bed. But it's the story behind it is the best part.

Where the girl was like, I think she asked for like 10 grand. Like extorting him? Yeah. And he goes, oh, no, I don't care. Just post it. You must have me mistaken. I don't care. Just post it. You must have me mistaken. I don't care. It was a very low price.

It was like, if you pay me this, I won't post this picture. And he's like, oh, no, I don't give a shit. Post it. Dude, that's amazing. That is the best thing in the world. If you try to get blackmailed, then just like, oh, I don't care. Yeah, no, just post it. Fine.

Or even better, like when Whitney Cummings posted her own. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Do you know they were just telling this recently? There's a very funny backstory with that. So Whitney was getting extorted. Like, I have nudes of you.

And I don't think they were even that bad. But Whitney just said, fuck it. Here's my tits. I hope someone tries to extort me. Right? Because then you feel like you're the hero. Yeah. If they get leaked, you're kind of like a scumbag.

Yeah. But if you get like someone i might just do it right now someone's threatening to extort me here's my dick we can make that up and i'll we'll fake that the the dms like happened to my our guy army hammer uh burt kreischer that day uh was like you know in solidarity posted a picture of his balls do you remember that oh i remember that yes do you know what happened with that tweet? So those balls, I think he like pinched them and then kind of squeezed them. So it was like a gruesome ball picture. He got caught in his zipper,

I think. Something like that. It was a hanging brain, right? And he tweets it out and he says, hashtag, I stand with Whitney. That day, Whitney Houston died. Oh, no. I did not know that. And a lot of people like saw that hashtag and i think just like kind

of assumed and used it and so like burt kreischer's ball sack is mixed up with whitney houston like rip tweets and he said that like a lot of like middle-aged black women like would reply to the tweet and were like this is not what i expected to see and honestly like i didn't want to see this at all but i did a little research and i like i saw the backstory of this and like good job by you but i mean what are the chances that is on your balls getting mixed up with whitney houston death tweets i mean holy shit. I'm gonna go with Jeff Bezos. His alive girl tweets, texts are the strangest things that's ever happened. I don't think I

knew about these. Why don't you tell me? When he got outed as having a mistress, all of his sexts were like, I want to smell your hair. You are my alive girl. I want to feel your breath. I was like, this is a motherfucker who bangs androids. He's like, I want to smell your hair. You are my alive girl. I want to feel your breath. I was like, this is a motherfucker who bangs

androids. He's like, oh, you're my alive girl because I fuck artificial intelligence. You know how weird you are if it makes more sense that he's talking about robots rather than dead people? I was like, oh, yeah, he's probably just robots, not dead people. I just figured, you're my

alive girl and my dead girl. Let's hope it's the fucking robots. I just think you're like, you're my live girl and my dead girl. Live girls and dead girls. Let's hope it's the fucking robots. But they were so, like, scientific and so clean and, like, not, you know, they were not sexual at all. Sound like all Biz Pete would sext. Yes. Yes. That's exactly how all Biz Pete would sext. Can you pull those up, Nick?

Are you looking at those or not? Am I? They're just like, I want to caress you and kiss your mouth. It's like, yeah, what else do you fucking kiss, Jeff? You goddamn weirdo. I kiss your pussy lips. And this was the girl. This ended up being a bigger saga that nobody really talked about.

She, the brother, leaked that. Remember that? Right. And then it turned out that she,'s girl or it was her brother leaked the messages and it was like oh wow like that's dirty and then it turned out that she gave him the messages it was all a plot against bezos and he was like i don't care go yeah he's like 70 aren't i don't know if they are or not anymore i know that um i want to breathe you in i'll show you with my body and my lips and my eyes very soon like what i want to hold you tight i want to breathe you in. I'll show you with my body and my lips and my eyes very soon.

Like, what? I want to hold you tight. I want to kiss your lips. I love you. I am in love with you. It's like, ugh. First of all, that one was completely normal. You just said it weird.

I want to smell you. No, honestly, I stand by that. I think that's weird. Like, I love you. I am in love with you. Like, in the middle of your sexting? Well, I mean, it's, I don't think it gets the w word it is a little unorthodox but like let me go scroll back up to that one that is a completely normal text message i want to hold you tight i

want to kiss your lips i love you i'm in love with you that is a fucking regular ass text to send you i don't know you're betrothed, you're lover. I get that text. That sounds like fucking lyrics to a song. That sounds like a poem. If I got that, I'd be like puke. It is weird. No, no, it's not weird. It is unorthodox. It is just like there's nothing weird. It's just

like, oh, you talk differently than I talk. That's not like... That's like poetry. Yeah, but it's not the message. I love you alive, girl, is not with the message i love you alive girl is the weirdest thing i love you alive girl is that is just that is weird that is bizarre i mean that i would hope that he didn't use the con before and like i love you alive girl you know like he on his on his side he was also texting dead girl don't get it mixed up a lot of girl uh four pick for you right uh four pick i'm gonna go ray allen

oh fuck ray allen with the getting close or whatever like i want what what exactly was it because it's the fact that it was a tweet no dm no but he oh right right he accidentally tweeted yes yes yes it is just i i don't think those things happen anymore. Now, most people are like the accidentally sending a DM. When you masturbate, think about my tongue on your clit and switching back and forth from my dick to my tongue. I don't even I'm getting there. That's it. I'm getting there. When you masturbate, think about my tongue or your clit or switching back and forth from my dick to my tongue.

I don't get the message. When you masturbate, think about my tongue. I think it's supposed to be my tongue on your clit switching back and forth from my dick to my tongue. So when you masturbate, think about me fucking you and then switching to my tongue. Because I think it says tongue or your clit. I think it's supposed to say on.

Okay. Think about my tongue on your clit and then switching back and forth from my dick so like he's just rubbing clit with his dick no no he's fucking her i think he's like you know i fuck you and then i think about me like fucking you and then switching to eating you out okay okay okay that's the old you know even even during the switching back from my tongue like that a switch back feels like it has to happen faster than it takes me 10 minutes to switch my dick to my mouth on your pussy

even in Ray Allen's sexting he's building in the whole when I pull out because I'm about to come and I'm going to go down on you because I have to taste you I'm going to work that into my sex just so that you expect it when I do it so I don't come early my four pick I'm gonna go

Armie Hammer I think he's cracked my top five like it's cannibalism it is it's an x-factor that's really like a game changer he should have been higher yeah I think because we both just talked about it yeah it was yeah but that could be my number one pick the next time we do this once he's established

reasonable number one pick they might make fucking like documentaries about Armie Hammer one day. That guy, legitimately, put it this way. Very few, nobody on this list really, will be investigated because of their sexting. They're going to do an investigation on Armie Hammer. He might have to buckle up for criminal proceedings. That's how hard that guy sexts. And again, that makes me kind of feel like a pussy.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm such a prude. The police don't even get involved when I sex. Last pick. My number five is I mean, honestly, probably the most important sex tape of all time. It's Kim K. It is I still give the nod to Pam and Tommy because he's just

like the predecessor. But yeah. But I mean, it's significantly changed the predecessor, but yeah. But I mean... He just went more mainstream and launched the fucking... It significantly changed the world. Absolutely. That's not even an exaggeration. No, not at all. That sex tape significantly changed the world.

Yep. It changed media. It changed the celebrity world. It changed the entertainment world. It launched the reality... You're talking about Butterfly Facts? Not launch reality TV shows, but it emboldened it.

It made it more popular. It got her married to Kanye. It is... If you trace back Butterfly Steps, that is one of the most important things that ever happened. Think about it like if that doesn't happen like kim probably just marries ray j like they're married for a few years and

they get break broke up and like they go their separate ways like whatever like that empire doesn't get launched and then you know what even things like like ryan seacrest like owns the e network and owns like keep it up with the kardashians and shit like i don't know maybe he doesn't grow to be what he is and then like American Idol and this and that's different and then like all you just never know. KK touches everything it is number one the most important thing that ever happened in the world this number two

probably the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand so true the like think about if you were one of those people who got pardoned and released from jail, you really owe it to Ray J.

Fucking gave him back shots to Kim K and then stupidly putting that video out. A hundred percent. Cause if she doesn't get famous, she doesn't pretend to be a lawyer. She doesn't get you out of jail. That guy, she's going to law school.

Yeah. Uh, all right. My last one here. Um, I mean, it was going to be Kim K, but... I'm going to go with Chris Evans' dick. It's a good cock.

It's a good... He's got a... He's got a... Because he's just a good guy, and I'm happy that the world knows he has a great dick. It just... It was the icing on the cake of Chris Evans' life. It was the feather in his cap.

It was the last little piece he needed. He already had the look. He already had the career. He already had the charisma. He already had it all. And then we knew, because he poked it out of the bottom of his shorts, that he's got a hammer on him. That he's got a fucking banister.

Looks like something on the end of the stairs that you'd touch i don't know why i have to grab this but i do you kind of just grab it as you walk off the stairs that is great i would say if we if we have to keep it within the realm of uh text messages and leaked like because that was kind of the the essence here with army hammer von miller has really skated on being a big-time... Von Miller was on Nickelodeon yesterday. Ah! Ah!

I didn't know that! Oh, that's so funny. He literally was just a moment ago campaigning for the death of an unborn child, and now he's on a children's network. Von Miller was on Nickelodeon. Okay, you know what? I'm out on Chris Evans.

Put Von Miller back in because that should have been, if it's true and whatnot, and it really wasn't confirmed to be untrue, so it really, he just skated on this. It should have been like a pretty damning event for him where it's like, we're just knowing how people get about

the Russians and shit. Right. The big A I wasn't shocked about it normal guys like I've said this the miscarriage you can't fucking the M carriage is tough the M carriage is tough you can't fucking

say it but there are plenty of times you've been like boy I hope I've never gotten somebody pregnant but I've had the pregnancy scarce and I've thought boy I wish that I hope that pregnancy doesn't come to term by one method or another. Could be a doctor, could be the Lord, could be a flight of stairs. All I know is I don't want that to come to fruition one way or the other. I would prefer to not have a living baby here.

So the fact that he was doing that and then people just were like, eh, whatever. I think that shows how many people, men and male and female, were like, yeah, we've been there. Some people were outraged, but most people were like, eh, we know.

We get it. I've probably got someone pregnant. I said prayers. It's like, boy, I hope this doesn't work out. All right, let us know your top five celebrity leaked texts or videos or pictures or whatever. Let's do our voicemails now. Voicemails today are brought to you by Acorns, the number one app to save and grow some money. Now, people like me and you, we're dumb.

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Dude, every time they do that, I say yes. And every time I'm so mad about it. I know, but they're doing that for you. Would you like to invest in the charity of KFC? I'm at Whole Foods. Right. Why don't you just have Bezos do it? Why are you asking me?

He's too busy with a live girl. Acorns.com slash KFC to get that $5 bonus and start saving today. Voicemails, let's go. Hey, KFC and Fights. This is Alisa in Ohio. So I have a trash or not trash. I think this is not as bad as Fights' sheet pocket thing, but I used to keep hard-boiled eggs in my coat pocket,

and I would eat them on my way to work every day. The hard-boiled eggs were peeled, and I did it because I didn't want to waste a plastic bag every day, so I would just eat eggs straight from my pocket. Wait a minute. You think this isn't as bad as keeping Sour Patch Kids and weed in a bed pocket? Insanely. What's even worse is that she thinks this would be that much better if she put it in a bag. It's like the reason I did it was because I didn't want to waste the bag.

Like if she pulled out a Ziploc bag with eggs, everyone all would be forgiven. The fact that you're walking around with a pocket full of eggs is the fucking issue, whether it's raw or with a bag. Can't be doing you can't be doing pocket eggs. Yeah, I mean, bro, you cannot you cannot be doing pocket eggs. I'll let you palm your chicken. I'll let you have your your your pocket of fucking sour patch. You can't be doing pocket.

My brother does pocket or my brother did pocket sausage. So as one of my like. So my brother, doing pocket eggs. My brother did pocket sausage. So it's one of my favorite. So my brother, when he was little, was like really fat. And he was born 11 pounds. Pocket sausage sounds like something else. He was born 11 pounds, 11 ounces. He came out fat. He's a big boy.

He was fat for a long time. He's now much better shit than I am. Yeah, I was going to say. Boy, like chips in the night. But the – so we had a – I had a hockey tournament. I was up in Lake Placid at the Can-Am tournament. And one of the – my brother was not on my team. He's much younger than me. But one of my teammates' dads saw him at the buffet.

At the buffet. And he was just stuffing his winter coat full of sausages. Like, links or patty? I don't know why that matters. I don't know why that matters, Kevin. That mattered to me for some reason. It was links. He's like, Benny, what are you doing, dude?

He goes, getting ready for the game. He left them in his winter jacket. And then just, my dad said he's like it's like second period he just reaches in starts eating sausage i was like the fuck did you get that dude getting ready for the game like shifty pack rat yeah yeah like stuffing away like a chipmunk in his mouth honestly they went on to fucking steal that story a story i'd never told publicly they went and stole it frank randall does it yeah. It goes as the sausage pockets. I was just so it's funny you say that.

Cause when you said pocket saucers, that's what first popped into my mind with like the front pocket. Yeah. And it was cause of Frank. And it also led me to, um, I, first of all,

let me tell you when I was on the bench in, uh, eighth grade baseball, it was the last time I played baseball. I didn't make it to like the high school level. I've always said once breaking ball started, I was out. These balls are moving. I can't hit this anymore anymore and me and my buddy block were on the bench there is no bench funner than a baseball bench oh no way I I would rather

be on the bench than play baseball it's like I remember like in when I was like in like little league and they'd be you know if you get like the sixth inning or however well I think we played sixth inning so I guess you get to like the fourth inning. And then it's like, well, this person, everyone has to get in that bat. So like you get benched. I was like, fuck yeah, baby. All right. Me and Block had. I would sit down, no problem. We had so much fun on the bench that they'd be like, you know,

maybe that kid I was talking about who could do all the cool shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd be like, Frankie, you're up. He's batting like 30. He'd be like, fuck, I got to go, guys. I'll be back. Because we were having a blast on the bench. Being good in baseball, all that means is every now and then you have to stop

having fun on the bench and go hit or play the field. Especially when you're playing the field and it's like they're not even going to hit a ball for me for like 20 minutes. And like Kevin, Mike are having fun on the bench. They're throwing bubble gum into a fucking big thing of sunflower seeds. We're doing all those things and we would have snacks and shit

and my boy Block used to eat good. He just started to up the ante and he just kept bringing like more and more quality food. It started out as sunflower seeds. And then eventually I would bring cookies or some shit. Food you're just not supposed to eat during a sporting event. And eventually he brought steak. And he had a little tinfoil thing that he put almost in the sun.

It was cooked, but he kept it warm. And we were eating steak strips. And our coach, I remember being like, Clancy, what are you doing down there and i was like what do you mean coach he's like are you guys eating steak like like and and then he didn't say anything but he was definitely was looking at us like you guys aren't even considering getting in this game are you and i was like you tell me i'm not going in you know like this we were eating full blown like filet mignon they're like hanging out of his mouth yeah what's up uh and then i do remember one time i got uh put in um to pinch run at second base and i got picked off at second like i went out there i was like fuck i put the helmet on i

run out there and i just took like a massive lead like i was just like i don't know where i am like whatever and the guy whirled around and I was out by like a mile. I was like, get me back to my steak, bro. I one time got picked off at second, too. And it was like my best friend who was the catcher on the other team. Oh, he threw down from second. From home plate. Yeah.

To this day, he has refused to let me live it down. He's like, dude, remember when I picked you off at second or threw you out at second? I was like, yeah. Honestly, this is the first time. I have a a belly full of steak I don't know about you bro this is the first time I'm ever admitting it that I acknowledge it isn't it funny I'm always like I don't know what you're talking about dude oh to him

yeah well if he's listening he's got you isn't it funny that those are the things that you like once found shameful and now it's like I don't fucking care man I have a pocket full of candy and weed. I don't give a shit. A bartender I used to know, a raging substance abuse problem,

used to fill his coat pocket up with Coke and put a straw in it. And we'd just lean over and just rip rails out of the fucking straw. He's cleaned it up, his act, but can you imagine that? My Coke pocket. Coke pocket, got a couple sausage links in here. The whole buffet, got everything you need.

That's one of those things where it's like, what do you think we think's happening? Right. Why would you have a straw? Yeah, that's crazy. In my pocket, I have a straw. You come back up. Whoa. Do you smell that straw? You guys want to have a straw? Yeah. That's my pocket. I have a straw. You come back up. You smell that straw.

You guys want to smell the straw? Do you think you were pulling one over on me? Anyway, back to the matter at hand. The fact that she's a girl, too. It makes it worse for me. It does. I'm going to be sexist here. Yes.

If if if Glennie falls, pulls out a couple of hard-boiled eggs out of his pocket, I nod. If Marty Mush does, it's not a fat thing. It can be a guy thing. Marty Mush does it, I'm like, yeah, Marty's got pocket eggs. A young lady on the train on a platform commuting

eating an egg. And then again, the worst part, if I, so you're telling me if I called this woman out, if I said Ayo, bitch! What are you doing pulling pockets out of your what are you doing pulling eggs out of your pockets? Her rebuttal would be

Well, I didn't want to spare a bag. Like again, her logic is so far off. You are focusing on the wrong fucking thing, lady. It's that you're eating stinky, hard-boiled, peeled eggs out of your pockets on your fucking commute. Not that you don't have it in a bag. I do think it's an egg thing that makes

it weird, because if she just had steak in her pocket, normal. Not normal. Not disgusting. Not gross. Weird, still. Very weird. It is a... Eggs are a little bit wet, too. Yeah.

So if you do put it in your pocket raw, it's like if you pull a hard-boiled egg peeled out of your pocket, there's lint on it. There's shit coming out of your pocket. Hair and stuff. I think pockets are like soap in the sense that they're always clean.

That is the most insane take I've ever heard. I completely agree. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm wrong, but I regularly just throw shit in my pocket and I just eat out of it. That's just so wrong. I mean, it's like, I don't put... I know for a fact, pockets are gross.

I use pockets to my... I, like, wipe my hands on my pockets. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Sometimes, back to blood talk, if I, like, get a bad hang now it's bleeding i just put it in my pocket yeah so my my my pockets are soaked with blood for sure what happened down there some sort of horse massacre you pull out my fucking my pocket it's like what

happened in there i mean pockets are like belly buttons yeah it's filled with disgusting 100 and so if you put some wet food in there i promise you it's attracting all that shit yep okay but i just but i don't care. You just ignore that. I just, I just, I turned a blind eye. Yeah, well, you got to turn a blind tongue to that, too. You are, you're 100% logically your sound. Oh, I know. But I'm just like, I just put things in my pocket.

I'm like, all right, I can just. I mean, you and fucking pocket egg girl are a match made in heaven. I mean, this girl better be so hot. You better make up for this. This would be, this would almost be so hot. You better make up for this. This would almost be a deal breaker for me. If I saw the girl of my dreams walked around eating pocket eggs on her commute, I'd be like, I can't date you. I cannot date a pocket egg girl. We'd have to have a conversation.

For sure. Like, you'd have to stop. Definitely. You'd have to apologize to me. I would rather. You would have to say you're sorry to me for pocket eggs. I'd rather walk in on you fucking somebody else. i'd be like okay i i i i do get that that i would never walk in on you fucking and be like what's going on here i'd be like oh you're fucking yeah you

wanted to pull out a pocket egg i'd be like what is going on here why do you need why do you just travel with pocket eggs yeah i would i would have a lot more i have a lack of understanding about the situation but i just don't explain this to me like i don't i just don't get it how help me see it and but if i walked in you're just taking a dick i'd be like well i get it i mean i think that uh i've seen people eat eggs on their commute like out of a tupperware like out of a you know carrier thing of some sort and even then i'm like you can't be eating eggs on their commute out of a Tupperware. Out of a carrier thing of some sort. And even then, I'm like, you can't be eating eggs on your commute. It's gross. Out of a pocket.

Getting ready for the game? I'm not getting ready for the game. Next up. Hey, KFC Fights. I got an issue here. Everyone's got little pet peeves about their coworkers, whether they're saying some shit that they have a little catchphrase that they always say that it's not

a big deal, but it just constantly grinds your gears. Well, I got one where we have a fridge with ice trays to fill up your drinks. And the fucking farm animals that I work with take ice from both trays before filling it up, so then you run out of fucking ice. Whereas a normal person would take ice out of one tray, fill it back up so it freezes,

and then start taking ice from another tray. These sociopaths take ice from both trays all day until you run out of fucking ice. And then you have two trays of just wet water sitting in a freezer. Now, it's not a big deal, but it's a minor inconvenience and a pet peeve. So I want to know what are your guys' minor pet peeves about your coworkers? Viva. I mean, first of all, he's not wrong.

But this is like, I mean, it took me a minute to even figure out what the problem was. No, I mean, I believe I have actually tweeted this back at the old office. Like, I work with savages, and I just, like, there were two empty ice trays in the fridge, in the freezer. So it was like. But that's just because you're mad that we didn't refill it. Correct. He's saying that, like, logically, you should use just one tray. That way you can refill it before you move on to the second one.

Yeah. I mean, he's not wrong, but it's just like, I don't know if I grabbed from one, it sounded like he's four ice trays in the barstool freezer. And there were about three total ice cubes. I work with savages. Yeah.

But again, that's, you're not talking about the order in which you approach the trays. You're just talking about refilling them. Right. Correct. And what he's saying does make sense that, you know,

you know, you, you, you can't refill if you have two halfway empty ones, but that is, you know, as far as pet pet peeves go if that's your only problem at work you're living pretty good it also sounded like he was saying you fill up with every ice cube taken out like i i use a tray till it's gone yeah and then if you're trying to refill like single cubes that's nuts no that that's totally crazy um but like i said i mean

there are there are things in your office as far as food behavior bathrooms kitchens all sorts of shit that's way worse than fucking the order in which you also what where do you work because like i feel like at bar school the ice cubes are only used when we make drinks like who you like yeah it's pretty rare to even like fuck with cues yeah like friday night plants we use yeah if you're making like a cocktail but like but if you're just getting water usually it's a water cooler or just drink it like yeah yeah bottle of water you don't have ice i mean i guess though if it's there but you know jesus this guy it's like he's gonna shoot up the office one day and then no it's gonna be about the fucking ice trays it's gonna be very

convoluted messaging wait i don't really get it what was he mad about i feel like i'm reading the uh the diehard like four gallons and a three gallon jug riddle i'm like we got two ice trays half full uh i mean i i i had to listen to Frank the Tank take a fucking shit at work, okay? You want to talk about pet peeves? I had to listen to Frank blow up a porcelain toilet once. I mean, that's worse than the fucking ice trays, let me tell you. I am happy you brought that up because I have something that happened to the bathroom recently to me. That is jarring.

It was, So I was. Hang on. Hang on. It's story time here for Final Bird. We got to talk about the barstool office. It's brought to you by 3G, who sponsored Friday Night Pints this past week in what was a good time because everybody was feeling good on the 3G, which, by the way, Friday Night Pints is now available in podcast form. If you don't watch it, the video form with us on on Friday nights you can go listen to the podcast all week long Friday Night Pints on iTunes leave a review leave a rating five stars and come hang with us every

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Yeah. It is. You're an animal. It is something I very rarely do. People who poop freely at work, I'm probably not as bad as some people. People who refuse to do it. Sometimes you've got to go. But if you just casually, willy-nilly feel no difference between your home bathroom and your work bathroom when you shit, insane. Insanity. If you don't have a little bit of like shame or like all right i'll hold it till i can get out of here that's weird we're all animals dumping in the shithouse but still i'd prefer

to be my own shit right right um but the so i am i am pooping and i'm alone in the bathroom because i wouldn't poop otherwise uh and then i hear someone come in and i as i've mentioned before i 1000 subscribe to the rule that make yourself invisible when you're pooping so i i hold it i i held it it's like the jurassic park uh t-rex yeah i'm like i don't want you to i don't want you to hear a fart or something and like i'm just frank you know i i'm just like i am going to be invisible as I can. And also I am going to wait until you leave. So you don't have to be like, well, see me finishing your shit. Like I'll wait until you leave and then I'll come out and I'll fucking wash my hands and shit.

Right. And so I'm sitting there trying to make myself invisible. And then I hear someone come in and they're using the urinal. And they start eating. Eating what? Chips. Crunching away. Crunching away.

And one, I was like, okay, I'm going to remain silent. And then there was a bit of a pause, and there was a second chip went in. So that means he's out the urinal, probably just no hands, right? Holding the bag with one hand, eating the chips with the other. he could have maybe been doing the poor no i would have heard the poor so he had no hand on his dick peeing eating chips holding the bag chips at the holding the bag and then savage the surgery the third chip i said i mean if this happens again i'm going to have to come figure out who this is. Yeah. And then the fourth chip came. And I was like, that's it. I mean, this guy's just eating chips.

Someone's having a whole fucking meal at the urinal. I need to see who this is. You wrap up quick? Yeah. So I was like, all right, time to wait. I got to see it. I saw it. I know who it was.

I am so embarrassed for this person. I'm not going to reveal their name. Did you confront him and say, like, you were eating chips? Oh, yeah. And what did he? I thought you just wanted to know for yourself. But you said, like, dude. I was like, dude and say like you were eating chips oh yeah and what and what i thought you just wanted to know for yourself but you said like dude i was like dude what are you doing you're having a whole fucking dinner at the at the fucking urinal and what do you say and he's just like yeah i don't know i'm just peeing and like i am someone who leaves like if i get a

new water bottle i leave it on the outside you don't want that that fecal matter like i just don't even bring it into the bathroom with me at all. This person was having just like, I think he must have finished peeing. It was so long that he had to have finished peeing and he was just standing there finishing his chips. I can understand if you're finishing up a tweet

or a text if you're a phone. I text that at the urinal, no doubt. Eating is a... Well, I'm done here, but I got to eat some more chips. Get out of here and go finish your chips at your table, you fucking animal. Not in a bathroom. What if he pulled out a pocket egg? Dude, that is...

It is... And chips are... You should hold this hostage. You should go to this person and be like, we've talked about you. And if you don't give me X, Y will reveal to the person knows that i know because we discussed it in the bathroom you should come up with some terms i'm not revealing your name but know that i know and know that kevin knows too i told him off camera i could see it being like a yarmy auger oh i don't care just release it honestly it's probably i don't care it probably the this person would probably say yeah yeah i don't whatever but that is that's i would rather

not be known as the chip pisser though yeah that's just eating a whole dinner right i keep saying a whole dinner it was a bag of chips it was multiple handfuls of chips crunching away crunching away probably probably probably got crumbs on his dick falling right down they were laced they're very crummy he's got a greasy dick too alright last voicemail last voicemail

no no yes last voicemail brought to you by Jackpocket every day that I drive home now I go up to Westside Highway I see the billboard there's a billboard that has the Mega Millions and the Powerball totals. Jackpot totals. They are both

over $500 million right now. Really? They are both over half a billion. But it's not fair because we don't live in a place that ever wins. Well, you know, I've thought about that. But honestly, the reason why I haven't, like, I don't get up, go to, like, the gas station, go to the bodega, go to a place with the lotto store. Because you're right.

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That would be pretty cool. I would, I would, I would, would i would drive i would get my hyundai but i would have like 90 of them i would just do things that like seem like i'm still living the same life your whole street is just hyundai uh what's the car you have the hyundai palisade the palisade 100 100 palisades just like yeah no i have space. Honestly, the Palisade is what I would drive even if I had $500 million. It's a delight. It's a fucking delight, man. I love it. Things like that where I could just confuse people by being a $500 million. It would be unbelievable.

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What is going on? So I'm doing Sober January this year Which is a sort of a popular thing That I think a lot more people are doing this year I know comedians like Segura and Rogan And that whole crew do the October thing And I figured what the hell I'd give it a shot this year Just to see what sort of health benefits it had.

Even though I wasn't too worried, I was like, I'm getting older, mine as well. See what it's all about. And so far, it kind of fucking sucks, I'll be dead honest. I sleep like shit. And everyone says that gets better. But so far, it's not terribly exciting. But I guess my question to you is, have you ever partaken in any of this? Or what's the longest streak you've gone sober?

I guess weed may or may not count. I don't know. You decide that one. But, yeah, I'll hang up and listen to Viva. I'm glad this was brought up because it was something I was going to do on the show where I become a flask guy. I was going to do...

What are you doing? Getting ready for the game? That's the whiskey? Sure. Wow. I mean, this is like a this is a you can hear like you know a metal a metal whiskey flask with the with the plaid like it's a nice yeah yeah my mom got it for me is it new um got it for me uh no my mom got it for like christmas like three years ago like it's just something I've had around. So I actually almost did Sober January and then New Year's got away from me. That's what's great.

I mean, it's supposed to start after that, right? Yeah. So, but like it ended up being like one of those like bender weekends where it's like, Oh, it's January 4th. Yeah. It's January 4th. We missed it. We'll get it next year. I got botched it. We'll get it next year. I botched it.

We botched that one. But the – no, my dad is doing it right now. I actually haven't spoken to him since Friday. But he was telling me, he's like, yeah, your mom's got me on dry January. I will be surprised if I make it through the Bucs game, though. So I haven't talked to him to figure out whether or not he made it. It's something I thought about. I just i i've never done it i don't drink enough anymore to like if i thought when people like i lost like 35 pounds if i thought i could get in like insane

shape from cutting out drinking like maybe i would do it i just don't think there'd be enough tangible benefits i don't think there's enough pluses there's's a lot of minuses. And like, we're like, Oh, I don't know if a weed counts. Like the smoking drugs count. Yeah. These things fucking count. I think that being substance free is insanity.

I don't, I don't get it at all. By the way, similar to, uh, I watched a couple episodes of the history of swear words. Uh huh. Do you watch that?

I have not yet. No. So I watched fuck and I watched dick. Uh, that's how the episodes are. Curse are curse word um and fuck was the first one it's hosted by nick cage and it's got sarah silverman and a couple other people and they were like curse words are like a a entertainer's like best friend you know and i was like fuck yeah motherfucking right you know like when when you hear clean comics people be like it's a crutch or if it's if it's funny with a curse word it's not funny without it then

it's not funny it's like fuck that no it's fucking not and these people being like it's you know a well-timed one or a well-placed one can be you know the the best friend of a writer or a performer or whatever i was like fucking happy to hear it and i think the same way about drinking booze and substances yeah it's like you think of it as a negative i think of it as like this is with within reason you know moderation of course but it like i didn't i didn't pull the flask out until 5 p.m just so we're clear it's not 10 a.m like right i was like all right i know it's probably almost six o'clock now and and you know what it was such a fucking moment it enhanced everything and it gets you through your days and your nights it gets you through your kids it gets you through your job it's like without it you're just torturing yourself

you're just torturing your goddamn self my sister tried to do it for like no good fucking reason i was like don't do that see i i also think it would be exceptionally easy like i could do it no problem i don't want to but i could i don't think it would be an achievement or hard at all. So I think that's kind of the thing is that if it's not, then there's no reason to do it. Right, right. And if it is, then there's no reason to do it. Like it's either it doesn't feel like an accomplishment, in which case you're not going to get much out of it, much satisfaction out of it. Or it's like so incredibly impossible for you that you are torturing yourself for a whole month for what just to say you did it i mean again let's say

you're if you're like on a wedding diet you're you know you get married in february and you need like you know this month you're gonna lose weight okay fine if you have like a tangible reason but other than they're just saying you did it's like running marathons like climbing mountains just to say you did it put a fucking sticker on your car or something i don't give a shit i could could not care less about your achievements i love like the the sober october crew that did it with joe rogan and then like a year later they're all like i'm gonna fucking do that again yeah no oh you wanted to do that annually yeah no not fucking happening uh yeah i mean good for you if you but like don't don't put that stank on me. Don't put that pressure on me. I also think it's a terrible time to do it.

As is, like, New Year's resolutions are so stupid. Let's pick the coldest, darkest, worst month of the year. The heat of sad boy season. January and February are the two. What's the best month to stop drinking? The best month to stop drinking? Because I would also say that, like, the best months you want to, like, party a little bit and have barbecues and shit. I'd say probably March or April.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, the best months you want to, like, party a little bit and have barbecues and shit. I'd say probably, like, March or April. Yeah, I was going to say, like, the middle months, you know. Fall, I think, is great, so you want to drink football and all that shit. Fall season. Summer. Like, I could probably do, like, August. I could probably do August. Sit inside in the air conditioner and, like, you know. But, like, April.

I think April's the one. March, you know, theoretically, depending on where you're at in life, you have the March Madness tournament. St. Patrick's Day is tough. Ah, that's true. Yeah, so April's the part of it. But April, you know, theoretically, depending on where you're at in life, you have the March Madness tournament. St. Patrick's Day is tough. That's true. Yeah, so April. But April. But also, like, I haven't done a big March Madness or a St. Patrick's Day party. That's what I said.

It depends on where you're at. Like, there used to be, I mean, March for me used to be like, buckle up. We'll see you on April 1st. I got, like, you know, I got to do Hoboken St. Pat's to kick off. Then I've got, like, Scranton St. Pat's. Then I got to do Long Beach St. Pats. Then I've got to do real St. Pats. I've got my birthday in there. I've got March Madness in there. It used to be like

whoa, buddy. All of a sudden you blink and you wake up hungover in April. But now, everything's the same. Sometimes it's warmer. Sometimes it's colder. Sometimes it's rain. Sometimes it's snow. Sometimes it's sun. But the life just repeats over and over and over again. That's really just.