KFC Radio - Thomas Middleditch, Steve Furey, and Feits Is Literally Carrying Around Garbage

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Recap of the finale of The Undoing (Ends at 21:10) -Nate Robinson/Jake Paul Fight & Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr Fight recaps -Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments -Voicemails (01:40:50) Thomas Middleditch joins the show! We talk to him about Silicon Valley, Middleditch & Schwartz, our introduction to long-form improv, his most awkward improv shows, and much more. (02:19:00) Steve Furey joins the show! We talk about how lockdown has cancelled getting up before noon, touring with Bert Kreischer, rafting, crucial drinking tips, and more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @SteveFurey and @Tombini (IG Only) Subscribe for daily videos on our youtube: www.youtube.com/c/kfcradio Join our Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/990412718092363You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What is this, John? John, John, John, John, John, look at me, John, look at me. We're having an intervention. I'll tell you what the number one most embarrassing thing that can happen to you is. You're revealed to the world. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.

And I realized something about myself, John. I'm like a totally different person when I have a TV show that I enjoy that's like popping off okay it's like my sport it's like when all these guys around here like their sport comes in season and it's time for them to do their thing it's never scheduled for me i never know when it's going to be and it's actually been a little while there's been a lot of good shows recently but not many discussion shows it's certainly not week to week like even shows you could be discussing people binge on their own speed and their own time so there's no time to discuss it the undoing being back and the undoing being like uh that's something i was over the last six weeks i would just grab my phone and text somebody and be like but what about the hammer you know just like throwing things out

there and i think it was even less than six weeks though i think people caught up there were some people who were like episode one i was in yeah i don't think i got until episode three so really like a three-week show you know what it was it was the microcosm of breaking bad remember how nobody watched breaking bad until like season four and then everybody been yeah they did that but just rather than seasons it was just weeks right like i i started i missed the premiere but i watched it that week so i was like pretty much on it week to week and uh and i feel like people really started to watch it was it was an ultimate tipping point where it was just like some people had talked about it they've been like a whisper here there oh you should probably check out this show i think and then before last night our echo

chamber no is this popular you last night like i mean once i saw travis scott tweeting about it i thought that was a little yeah and getting and getting a response like a lot of people being like yeah like who did it who did it a lot of people were tweeting about it, I thought that was a little funny. And getting a response. A lot of people being like, yeah, who did it? Who did it? A lot of people were tweeting about it yesterday. It's finale day. And that's also just the nature of a murder mystery. You can do, like I was saying, a show like Succession is awesome,

but there's no – it can go in any direction because we're talking about business and family and shit. When there's a murder, you know there's going to be an arrest and who did it. You know what I mean? So you know there's a natural, like, progression of what's about to happen. You can get surprised and twists and shit. But a murder mystery is, like, good old faithful for a reason

because it gets the people going. Oh, whodunit. Oh, whodunit. I don't even like calling them murder mysteries. They're whodunits. Whodunit. And there's a difference, by the way. I think, like, this show, the undoing was great because it was entertaining.

It wasn't great necessarily because it was like incredible writing. It was too short to have that deep of character development. The dialogue wasn't like, whoa. There was one scene. We agree the Donald Sutherland scene where he gave the cocksucker monologue. That was the only time that I was ever like, whoa, that was some acting. That was some like delivery. Other than that, that was some acting. That was some delivery. Other than that, it was just...

A lot of nice jackets. A lot of ridiculous jackets. A lot of nice jackets. The 15-pounder from Nicole. That's like a walking gravity blanket. I need one. But... I have so many problems with the show,

and I loved it so much. Exactly. Every episode... For sure not. Is it awesome? Yup. Every episode, I had a major, major fucking problem. I was actually surprised you liked it as much as, like, by the finale, because you were

always on every plot hole. Like, what the fuck is this? It made, there were so many things that didn't make sense. You know what the biggest one was? Not the biggest one. The biggest one is the Cleveland trip. That makes no sense. Well, yeah, but, like, I think think he was that one i actually i can kind

of get is he planning on i think he's like he was just yeah he was just gonna maybe not maybe not even take her there maybe just like he was gonna be fun i mean he never went to cleveland i think he's just gonna be like he's going away to cleveland he's just gonna stay in her studio um but the the biggest one or the one that made me first go all right there might be some issues with this writing is when elena which i can't tell if he just says it, Elena, or is her name. They said Elena at one point. It's Elena.

Last night, the lawyer said Elena. Right. So I was calling her Elena the whole time, and I was like, wait, I think her name is just Elena, and he says it British. Yeah. But when she sees Nicole Kidman in the bathroom, and she says, sometimes I just feel so lost and something else, lost and depressed maybe or something like that, she's like, does that ever happen to you?

That's like asking a fucking medical doctor, like sometimes I get a cough. You're talking to a therapist. Psychologist. Yeah. She understands what that stuff is like. Alone and depressed. Yeah. I've heard of it.

Sometimes I sneeze. Does that ever happen to you? It is the most basic thing that happens to me, yes. There was a lot of those moments where it was like – But that's not like the point. That show was clearly – The fucking – The public defendant was bullshit.

Absolute bullshit. But also I was waiting for that to mean something. I was waiting for that guy to come back around. Right, you could have just skipped it altogether. If that was not in the plot, it would have been. That makes me feel like the lawyer, the black lawyer, was unavailable to shoot for the first two weeks or something like that. It's like something, there's just no explanation to have this public. I thought eventually that guy was going to come back.

Because they also introduced him in a way where you kind of got to look into what he was about yeah i mean maybe maybe that was just to set the the tone of he didn't do it because he was like i get the vibe that your husband's a dick but he's not a murderer maybe for some people that was like a clincher that he was innocent but i there was no reason for that. It's just completely unrealistic. Nicole Kidman walks. No reason for that. Yeah. But except for, I think, the only thing this show did, and I think six episodes was short,

but I think if you almost go back, I bet every single episode introduced one plot point that could make another person a suspect. Oh, for sure. Every single episode was like, okay, it's the friend. Nope, it's the grandpa. Nope, it's the kid. Nope, it couldicole kidman so every by the end of it i mean i have never seen a show good or bad well written whatever you want to say i have never seen a show with that many

plausible but i actually could never decide if that was good writing or bad writing like it couldn't be everybody yeah like yeah there was there was never i think though i've never seen a show like that i don't think when people except for i saw somebody said like it's gonna be the principal it was like the print the headmaster and i never understood why it would have been sylvia either we had no evidence to support that people were like oh it's the blind friend well because they did such a job of like just sprinkling her in i actually thought that was ended up being one of the best parts of the show. They did introduce the blonde lawyer always in very like ominous ways. Like she would just like the camera would like zoom in on her or she would

just appear. And, and that's why I think people have, we're going like, there's something, there's something going on with her. I bet she did it. And then it just turned out that she was wildly important for this like

backstabbing double crossing. And that's why like she needed to be in the show. I thought that was actually like, Oh, they did a good job of of utilizing her but every single explanation other than the truly stupid ones were like all right i don't agree with you but like i could see that like that maybe they did maybe that person did hide the weapon maybe they are covering it up so when you have like a murder mystery where in the end it's it was almost knives out-esque where it was like everybody had motive everybody had a reason and almost but knives out was like good writing and it was funny and this isn't this isn't bad writing as i'm not like uh turning it to an expert here six six hours is like almost not enough time i don't think they

were like trying to be that and they just wanted to be like a dramatic sexy murderous mystery and like there you go. And there are so many things. There's so many things that are unrealistic. I can't. Yeah. I mean, everything that happened in court, I'm sure was was court was insane. But just the fact that he's out of money, that doesn't make any sense.

Like he needed to have a gambling college and a New York City therapist whose father also seems to be like Bruce Wainridge, like living in a fucking palace. They just take a helicopter to chase them down. That the final I could have done without the helicopter chase. We went off the fucking rails there. Is this Brian Cox in succession? Yeah. Like you need to be like a like a maven. You need to be like a fucking titan of industry to just hop in

your private helicopter get the chopper gas it up we got to go on an amber alert chase i mean that there was definitely some weird shit me and me and one of my buddies been like non-stop to be like i want to see the books there's no like he could have retired like that's how rich he was he was an oncologist the kind of oncologist who's on the cover of New Yorker magazine and is one of the finest in the city. Like, you can retire. With three months, you're out of money. Three months. Right.

Makes no sense. It makes absolutely no sense. As did many things, but. Okay, of all the things, what made the, let's focus on the last episode. Like, I thought it was all it's weird i think it's all i enjoyed it all i found it all entertaining i would they were the the one thing that i thought was silly but could have been okay but then they botched was nicole kidman on the stand? Because I'm sure in general, a lawyer would be like, I think at one point the lawyer even says, like, I can't get a read on you. She goes, I know what you're about, but I don't know what you're about.

From one thing to another, she goes, I like where we're at. We're good. We're very good. And she goes, Nicole Kidman goes, well, I'll go on the stand. Well, I don't even understand where you stand on this yeah and she goes well I'll say you didn't do it all right done yeah like you just said you liked where you were she goes I'm a reliable narrator I thought that was almost like breaking the fourth wall because like fans were saying that there's a chance she might be in on it because she's an unreliable narrator it's like if anything you're not that at all but that's where i thought it

could have been that could have been realistic i don't know about legally but just logically if she was like i i truly don't think you could be a murderer i want like my son to have a father growing up like i'll do it but the way she said it she was like yeah yeah i'll say that but also wasn't convincing at all also like just hayley fitzgerald would have even if she didn't know about the backstabbing and the the back channel she's the his lawyer she's the black lawyer okay um even if like she didn't know about the back channeling and the backstabbing and the feeding of information to the prosecutor, she knew about the 911 call.

Yeah, that was crazy. You have to know that's going to come. And she also, she didn't, they never told her about the call to the mother, right? She knew about it, but she didn't, she never expected the prosecution to know. Did they ever tell the black lawyer that? No, I would bet they didn't.

So that's the back feeling she couldn't have predicted. But you could have been like, well, this isn't evidence. Where she said, I'm afraid. I'm terrified. Maybe don't put her on the stand. And that was sucked because she went from the most pit bull lawyer to she had glaring holes in her case but um but the the reaction of that i thought was a very cool that was a good secondary twist i think they could have gone for like a stupid hail mary where it was like the lawyer the hugh grant's mother did it or something stupid like that and instead the twist

was like nicole kidman doing this backstabbing double cross thing which I thought was very cool I thought it was good I remember as I was watching I was like wait a minute oh shit she's doing it and they're like and she starts objecting to everything and it was like oh they're spiraling I thought that was very I got mad about that because I actually did like

get up and like go get a drink or something because I was like this is just never in a million years would she he put her on the stand. She just wouldn't do that. Yeah. And then maybe I think she could have, if it was more of a convincing, she just didn't even really convince her to try to convince her.

Yeah. Like I think you could make a case where it was like, no, I've come around. I'm mad at him for like cheating, but I don't think he murdered someone, but he was just like, she was just like,

yeah, I'll do it. Or more than that how about this fucking Hugh if you're gonna what is it in the departed when he's like next time I ask you to bury a body in the

mosh bury it in the mosh if you're gonna put a goddamn fucking murder weapon in a fire pit how about you light it on fire what is the point of putting weapon in a fire pit. How about you light it on fire? What is the point of putting it in a fire pit if you're just going to leave it in the fire pit? That was nuts.

Or just throw it in the lake you're at. And it's covered in blood at the time. They didn't even clean it up. Your fucking son knew to put it in a dishwasher. At least you could have done that. Which I don't know if I really believe that either. No, but at least he tried. A 10-year-old is like,

I should probably clean all the blood off this. That was some wacky shit at the end, though, when he's trying to sing to his son and stuff. They really hammered home the craziness of it all. But I also, my biggest thing is the whole idea that Hugh Grant was some sort of charming, charismatic. Every room he walked in, everybody loved him. I mean, throughout the entire movie he's just an asshole

when he was accusing his son that is low low low low shit in that moment in that moment I was still believing at the end of episode 5 I was like okay he did it

I'd gone through with everybody and been like okay it could have been them it could have been them but then during the episode you were questioning it at episode at the end episode five i think i texted you i was like i was like obviously when when he was accusing his son you were like oh i was like i was like if he's a hundred percent sure it wasn't him then well yeah then it's a fair guess there was like when uh when he was like i ran through the dishwasher h Hugh Grant goes, fuck. Yeah. And it felt like really genuine. Like that was going to be his out.

And now he doesn't have it. So I was like, oh, wow, that was really convincing. So that part, I could see him being like the sociopathic, like he can put on a front. But like when she was like, oh, I've got the most charming asset. Like I had never seen him be charming. I mean, he was charming on that show. When he was on TV, he was charming. I didn't even think of that as charming. I thought of that as like he –

Compelling? How about that? They said compelling in the show. I think he tried to go for like a sympathetic move when he was like – people forget I did love this girl. I lost someone I loved. But I never thought of him as like this smooth debonair, like could sell ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves sort of thing

but i also think that you know he's hugh grant he's got an accent he's got a in real life he's got like a uh reputation about him so it plays on the show but that my biggest thing was that i never thought of him as that i thought he to me he seemed like a like a blubbering mess asshole the whole fucking time i didn't think that i wouldn't say I was that extreme with it, but you're right. I had been thinking that just because they repeatedly told me that, so I just kept being like, oh yeah, of course he's charismatic. Like Ryan Gosling in Crazy

Stupid Love. That's what I feel like he was supposed to be. The way he dresses, the way he looks, the way he greets people and talks to them, it's like, whoa, I am under your spell. And they just said that so i understood that was like every woman is like oh we love your husband yeah and you're right though when you look at it you're like why him he's kind of over the hill and like he's a little he's a

little haggard yeah although he looked good in the car at the end there were like a lot of like scenes where like he's like he's got bad light here like he's he's all bagged up he's got and then but then in the car everyone looks good in the car. Is that so? I think so. I look great in cars. I was going to say, I used to think that about you. And then one time, I rarely have a car.

So I was probably like for quarantine or whatever. And I was like, wait, I fucking look good in a car. Bro, my eyes pop in a car. Yeah, his eyes look great. Like morning, noon, night, my eyes are like glistening blue. I'm like, this is great. I should just do a whole, we should do this podcast from a car yeah his eyes look great like morning noon night my eyes are like glistening blue i'm like this is great i should just do a whole we should do this podcast from a car um why don't you think he killed himself um i i think he was that so like when he went for the hug with nicole

kidman yeah when she's running out on the bridge like i think that showed just how crazy he was down to the very end where where he thought, like... I think that's why he stepped out. Yeah. He thought she was running for him. Right. He was like, oh... He's like...

I don't know anybody's name on the show. Henry is the kid. What's Nicole Kidman's name? Grace. Going to my head, I have no... I would have never in a million years known that. I know. I say it's Hugh Grant, Nicole Kidman, Donald Sutherland, the son, the hot mistress, the bitch lawyer, the blonde friend.

Those are the characters in my mind. I don't know anybody's name. Yeah, he says, like, Grace, as he steps down. Yeah. Like, she's here. I think he was, like, he had that narcissistic personality disorder. He's like, she still loves me. Right.

All right, it's worth it. And even just, like, the singing in the car. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think that was, like, he had gone full-blown crazy over the edge, thinking, like, he had not gotten away with it, but was going to, like, somehow. He said it a couple scenes earlier. He was like, when I get through this and I fucking well will. the edge thinking like he had not gotten away with it but was going to like somehow he said a couple scenes earlier it was like when i get through this and i fucking well will like no you won't no no no you won't but overall i mean not since like oh man i mean i'm trying to think of

the last show that we were really speculating this much over like a one incident you know like who did this or who probably thrones yeah yeah right yeah i don't know well to even could have been yeah so like good on them i mean obviously this is a one-time like limited engagement thing but keep the formula rolling and like keep you know give me some a-list stars give me some not great writing but some fun entertaining night give me a good fucking intro to nicole kidman crushes that yeah yo that also i mean to tie into what i like was saying to start like a sunday night 9 p.m hbo show being a thing like changes my life like i have something to look forward to the sunday scaries aren't as bad

monday mornings you got something to talk about uh and like you know we always say there's not many week-to-week shows left and like it's's I feel like I get like a rush of dopamine when I when I have like a 9 p.m. to look forward to. But I fucked that up last night. I know. I thought it was 10 p.m. And then and I'm also watching Murder on Middle Beach, the documentary on on HBO. And so that was on at 10. So I thought I thought.

I thought Murder on Middle Beach was on at nine and then on at 10. So I thought Murder on Middle Beach was on at 9. And then this at 10. So then I was like, fuck, I missed it. And then I had to watch all of Murder on Middle Beach and then start, you know, because they do. So I was going to be up to like 1230 and I was like already dozing as it was. And I was like, fuck, so I actually watched it this morning. I didn't even turn my phone off. I was like, I either have to stay up and watch this. But it was also like an hour and 20 minutes last night. So I was like, fuck, so I actually watched it this morning. I didn't even, I turned my phone off. I was like, I either have to stay up and watch this,

but it was also like an hour and 20 minutes last night, so I was like dead tired. I was like, I'm not going to make it. The last thing I want to do is like fall asleep in the middle of it, but I also was like that I can't go on Twitter or anything right now, so I was like, I'm going to sleep. I was surprised because you texted me at 10, I think, being like, don't text me, and come 1130,

I was like, where the fuck is his text? I figured you were going to have some takes on it. Yeah. No, I mean, that was like, it's funny. It's a funny realization, too, that I was like, all right, can't open up Twitter. Probably can't even open up Instagram. You never know what you're going to see there. You have the app on your, don't you have like a Fire Stick TV?

Yeah. You could have just put it on then. HBO Go was down or whatever oh really so that's how i i so last night like hbo go hbo now hbo max all that shit was like not available see work for me it didn't work in my living room and then we switched to the bedroom and we have like in the living room we have roku maybe that's what it was on a roku say it was saying like error yeah like unknown error occurring and then we switched to the bedroom and i tweeted and people were like what the fuck is this so i mean having having streaming problems on a finale night is like not except very frustrating yeah

because i still i have cable and i just haven't had them come hook up the cable boxes because it just, it's cleaner without them. Yeah. And then it just, like, I still pay for the spectrum service because I have to, for all the channels on the Roku. Yeah. But I just don't have the boxes out and it's never a big deal until it's the biggest thing in the world. So it's like, it's usually like, okay, I'm like 10 seconds behind on the game.

I don't really care that much. Not being able to go. I mean, I realized just how much I'm like ultimately plugged in now. It was like, I got nothing to do. I'm just going to go to sleep. I cannot do anything. Even Alex Sulkin, you know, from Family Guy was texting me. And I was just like, I can't.

I don't want to get a surprise text from anybody. I also don't want to sit there and go through like everyone I know watching. Like, don't text me. Don't text me. I just have to truly unplug which was it's a sobering moment where it's like oh my god this is my entire life as we know it but more of that please give me some more you know give me more of that type of formula of like entertaining or you know either be great or be entertaining it's when you go in that middle that you totally fail.

But along the lines of entertaining, the spectacle on Saturday night, that pay-per-view, I mean, that was awesome. I could get down with that sort of pay-per-view. That was as entertaining as it gets. The only thing more entertaining than entertaining myself masturbating for 23 years? Two years? I'll give myself 20. How old are you? 32.

So you've been jerking off since you were 12? Probably something like that, yeah. 12? I was going to say 13, 12. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, that's, you know, well over half my life now I've been jerking off. But the is i've been just doing it the same old way just hand and dick maybe a little lotion when you want to get sexy with yourself but why why not try to enhance it why not try to make it better that's the question that trojan asked and that's the question that trojan answered with the trojan tantrix pleasure sleeve

these are uh sleeves that you pull out and that are handheld they have like a soft texture to it you wrap it around your dick and uh you jerk off with it i mean we're talking like soft like a like a really really soft sleeve uh you put a little uh lube in it and basically it's like uh you're having some sex with a vagina. Think about the amount of money you spend trying to have sex with a vagina, the amount of time you got to put into it, the amount of stress and heartache that can go into it, or you can just turn your hand into a vagina.

Yeah. Yes, I mean, think about all the time you spent trying to be like Einstein or Edison as a kid and like inventing these things that you could fuck. I'll fuck that box right there. I'll fuck this microphone. I'll put some Vaseline in a plastic bag and I'll flip that inside out and I'll stick that in my couch cushions.

Right? I never did that. I had friends who did that. I fucked a couch cushion before. Did you? I never. But I just fucked a couch cushion. It was back in the time when my dick could take a beating and could also get off to anything.

Just fucking a pillow. Just a pillow, you know? Now I'd have burn marks on it and I would also never cum. You know what I mean? A human vagina

sometimes is like, this is taking too long. But turning your own hand into a vagina, now that... Easy peasy. I mean, that's almost...

That's a time where you might come too quick masturbating with yourself be like no not yet oh fuck was that good get yourself some trojan tantrics pleasure sleeves uh you can adjust you know you have your full it's like a full range of motion you're really you can go hammer time but you've got uh the grip and the pressure you can simulate the exact feeling you want with a little water-based lube. You can spice it up. And you know what?

You can use it with your partner as well. I always feel like – I've said this before. The hand job is underrated. A good hand job. Yes. Because you got two hands. You got fingers. You got movement.

You can do all sorts of shit. A mouth and a vagina are a various whole. It goes up and down, up and down. Yeah, the mouth and vagina are DK Metcalf. I like a Julian Ed a various hole. It goes up and down. Up and down. Yeah, the mouths of a vagina are DK Metcalf. I like a Julian Edelman, personally. Very versatile. Gets the job done. Very gritty.

But yeah, so, but the problem with that is that, you know, hands are not exactly the softest thing, but you get some lube in the mix. You get these sheets in the mix. The next thing you know, you're having a ball with you yourself your dick and your partner head over to walmart.com go over to amazon uh and get the trojan tantrix pleasure sleeves the the jake paul fight which is what it is because the mike tyson roy jones jr thing was maybe the biggest waste of time i've ever oh i disagree with that oh my god i i i would watch literally anything over that that was the most boring thing i've ever watched see i think it was undoing s where it was entertaining it was yeah

no i'm not gonna pretend it was like the most beautiful fight ever i think roy jones roy jones literally just looked like a dead person i can't believe i was like does he know how to box i think if you put i guess his style was always very like he had his hands out or down that was kind of his thing but like he looked like he when you're fat it doesn't play yeah right there's that one I guess his style was always very, like, he had his hands out or down. That was kind of his thing. But, like, he looked like he. When you're fat, it doesn't play. Yeah, right. There's that one highlight.

Like, you're just, he was fat. He's a fat man in a boxing ring. And I think gun to hit Roy Jones Jr. head. If you asked him, when you woke up Saturday morning, did you know you had a fight that night? He'd be like, you're right. Like, I forgot about it. He forgot. Like, when your girlfriend's like, we've got, dinner with like stacy and justin tonight you're like oh

fuck i forgot about that tonight couple's night yeah i thought it was next week i'd been i didn't find that off for a while i mean he the fact that they they called that a draw when that was a gift that was like uh that was like a we told everybody everybody that there's not going to be any knockouts or any whatever, so we can't have a winner either. In the fucking post-game fight ended with, or the post-fight interview, ended with Roy Jones just talking about how much he was in pain because Mike Tyson had kicked his ass. And it's like, you can't call it a draw with one of the guys who's being like,

yeah, my ribs are a fucking mess right now like ready to like go for real again and like the last i mean to me i i if you watch one round you watch them all maybe at the very end there was like a flurry where i felt like mike was like gonna just unleash yeah i'm gonna knock you out but like those middle rounds were so fucking boring it was the same exact thing. I think, I wouldn't say they were boring. I mean, I thought Tyson landed like at least one good rib shot every round, it feels like. Yeah, but knowing that there was really no, like, that it was exhibition and sparring

and like, I don't know. I would never pay for that again. I would. I think if Tyson and Roy Jones wanted a running back, which Roy Jones has no interest in doing. You would never watch it again. Roy Jones straight up blamed it on his wife why he couldn't do it again.

I would watch that. I'm going to talk to my wife. I don't think she's game. Like, bro, just say you can't breathe right now because you have. That would have been a good viral moment for him if he was like, yo, for anybody who's ever been like, oh, I'll step in the ring with Mike for $10 million. Like, I'm here to tell you, no, you won't. Like, that motherfucker still is dangerous. A professional fighter.

Yeah. Not someone on Twitter where it's like, would you get in the ring? Yeah. A professional fighter. One of the other all-time greats. Said no to another million dollars for 15 minutes of work. He said no fucking thanks. No shot. for 15 minutes of work he said no fucking thanks no shot uh but even if you were down with the

boxing element of it the the undercard for as far as the internet goes i mean that was the the jake paul nate robinson fight and i guess like not enough people no not definitely not enough people like really paid attention or knew it was going in but the odds were like it was like plus 350 or something like that for, for Nate Robinson. Like anybody who was watching new, like he's going to get his fucking ass. Oh, right.

Right. And get his ass kicked. He did. Yeah. I mean, that was a whooping and looking back on it. Like I was so surprised. I was arguing with Dave on the rundown.

Dave, who's like a sweet science guy was like, I thought Nate Robinson was going to win because he's an athlete. And it's like sports don't rarely really transfer, let alone to the very unique sports. So I was like a hockey player. You give these guys a baseball bat or give a basketball, they don't know what they're doing and vice versa.

You can't – like the weird sports, stuff like hockey and boxing, it doesn't matter how good you are at the other sports. So like, yeah. Why? Like, it was, I guess, after the fact, when somebody was like, why did anybody think Nate Robinson would box? And people's answers was, because he's a basketball player. That's not a good answer.

Even lesser reason. Yeah. Have you seen basketball fights? They are notoriously, like, hissy fights. You know what I mean? And Nate Robinson, there was also, like, Nate Robinson had put was also like there. Nate Robinson had put footage out himself of him boxing. And it was like, oh, he's not a good boxer.

Right. Like they get people. I think people in celebrity fights get really obsessed with like pad work. Yeah. And it's like anybody can make that like look cool. Right. And it's like, oh, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah, it looks good.

The Nate Robinson one that he put out, like he could clearly, he just didn't know how to throw a punch. Yeah. Like it was like, yeah, and it was like, you know, it sounded cool because he's echoing throughout a boxing gym. But like.

And you got some guy in the back going, yeah, champ, yeah, champ. Like they designed to make those. He was fading away every time, right? And like leaning into punches and shit. And then when he did lean in, he just let him in the head. But I mean, really think about that.

If me and you were arguing, it was like, yo, I could fuck you up. And you were me and you were arguing it's like yo i could fuck you up and you were like why and it's like well i can dunk what the fuck does that have to do with anything and then like and then the other side of it is just like straight up jake paul knows how to fight i'm not saying he's uh gonna win the heavyweight belt but like the dude knows how to punch people i mean he like they were like they were like really good wrestlers right right? Which again isn't exact translation, but at least some combats were. I think there's two things that go on. The first

thing is being comfortable and you're not scared. And if you've been in a ring of some element, even wrestling, you're not nervous. You're not freaking out. And then the other side is knowing the technical knowing like the technical side of it and those guys like the paul brothers just train with like you know the best trainers money can buy like all day long every day so

they're gonna get good they're big they're in shape they can fight i mean they're like pretty good recipe and the problem is that people just hate jake but it's like that doesn't mean he's not a good fighter all these nba guys who are like, I want next, like, he's going to fuck you up too. I would not fuck with Jake Paul. I mean, he went right into calling Conor McGregor out. Yeah. Well. Which I get, like, it doesn't, like, I don't know if Conor McGregor will fight you, you

might as well fight him. It's probably a pretty nice payday. I think it's going to happen. You think so? I do. I feel like Conor does not have... Conor has another match coming up soon. I'll find out.

Who? In January, he's fighting Poirier. Poirier. Yeah. I mean, I guess if he is... If he, like... I don't know enough about MMA where it's like, if he can get back on the track to being the champion,

I don't think he'll waste his time. Of course not. But if he loses again or ages a couple more years and it's like clear that he you know is is not the guy that guy anymore but still wants a fucking bag of money i mean that'll that'll get a lot of money i would guess connor taps into like the young youtube crowd and then that he has his crowd i mean that would be a big bag if he has any shot of being, like, the champ in MMA, no. But otherwise, I think that'll happen. I think there's a better chance of that happening

than Logan is challenging Floyd. Oh, I think, because Floyd does those fights. Floyd, like, regularly goes over to Japan and just kicks the shit out of someone really quick and then comes back. Beats up some, like, Korean dude in front of a bunch of businessmen. But I feel like those are usually like private events and like um i i mean there's just i just don't think there's you know he's not gonna lose so i can't say like he doesn't want to risk it but i feel like when uh

i don't know if i was those guys i would do it like if i was connor or floyd i'd be like okay like let's get a bunch of money and i'll beat you up yeah yeah i do that i wouldn't train or anything but yeah i'll just i'll just you up. I wouldn't train or anything. I'll just show up and punch you in the face a few times. Jake wants to box Conor. It's all boxing. None of it's MMA. It would be a wild night. Could you imagine

Logan has not won yet. He has a loss and a draw. He openly says, I'm a show. I put on a show He has a loss and a draw. And he openly says, like, I'm a show. Like, I put on a show. I'll put on a spectacle. Where Jake is like, I want to fight and win, you know? Really?

Yeah. I didn't know that. I think, I mean, they both want to be, like, real boxers. I mean, in their mind, they're like, we're boxers. And you can't really deny it. It's like they get into, like, they're not WBC certified or whatever, but they're, like, in professional. Sell out the Staples Center.

That's what I'm saying. Could you imagine a night where imagine if it's like I don't even know who would be the bigger draw. What do you think would be the bigger fight there? McGregor or Floyd? Probably Floyd, right? He's still got the machine of marketing behind it. I guess. I'm very much a McGregor guy,

so I would absolutely care more about McGregor because also, I mean, there's just no chance that Logan Paul lands a punch on Floyd Mayweather. That's his hope is, like, all it takes is one. Because if you're 6'2", 230, and you do land a solid punch on this guy. But, like, it's, you know, borderline. The pros can't land a punch on him. It's been 20 years since was a night and i don't even think it could happen just because no neither mcgregor nor floyd would agree to be the undercard but if there was a night that was like the like the you've it's it's connor and and jake first and

then uh logan and floyd in one like card i mean like the paul brothers are are trying to pull some shit off that's like, this is fucking wild. The fact that they're even kind of getting there is fucking nuts. Who was the other guy that Logan challenged? Like, David Dennis or something like that? Dylan Dennis. That's like Conor's, one of Conor's boys. He's in his crew.

Who I do think is a MMA fighter, but he's just not on that level. I think that's probably more of like a likely opponent for, for them. But I mean, they're going to get a lot of fucking money. And if I think Jake has picked his opponents like, well, where it always like,

seems like a fight, but he's really like absolutely going to win. The first YouTube guy, he just beat the shit out of the first YouTube guy was like a rough and rowdy guy. And, and Jake was like a real boxer. And then this people were like, well, he's a professional athlete. So you never know. And it was like, rough and rowdy guy and and jake was like a real boxer and then this people like well he's a professional athlete so you never know and it was like no no we know so he's done a good job of hyping it up like oh this is going to be a big deal and then

it's like no it's not so i mean that was like right away right away you could just be like oh this is going to be bad for me he ran he looked like he was hex wrapping yes that's what i mean it's just like like james is doing like the, you know, like the, he's boxing. The other guys are fighting, and it's like very obvious. As soon as, I think it was the very start of the first round when Snoop was like, ooh, slow down, nephew. Nephew got on basketball shoes. Slow down.

And that was the real highlight. Like Jake was the winner. Snoop was the big winner. Snoop, I laughed so fucking hard when Snoop was like, what's going on with this ring out here? Is this small and unusual? Like, Snoop, you've been looking at it for five hours. It was the first thing I texted Bob Fox. I was watching two Mexican guys fight at, like, 8 p.m.

I ordered it early. And I said, am I watching the right thing, Bob? These guys are in a tiny ring. It looked like they were in the basement of a frat house. It was like the seventh round of Tyson and Roy Jones. It was like, hang on. What's going on with this ring out here? Snoop, how fucking high are you, bro?

He had some one-liners, man. He said, there's two things you can't play. You can't play boxing. You can't play with this pimpin'. It was like, put it on a t-shirt when he was like, call the ambulance, tell him, come pick up your people.

When, when, when Nate was like face down out cold, I was like, Oh, wait a minute. Like this might be like scary for a second. So it was like,

nah, he's good. He's from the hood. He'll shake it off. I was like, okay, then we're good. Dr.

Snoop says so. So we're fine, man. When Snoop, well, you know, what's crazy too, is when you're listening to Snoop and he's saying like,, I think it was the first round of Tyson, Roy Jones.

And he's like, damn, they're going out like uncles at the barbecue. My two uncles fighting at the barbecue. He said something else like, that's how we used to do it in the streets. And I'm like, Snoop Dogg is referring to the 1970s when he's talking about doing the streets. Like, Snoop has been famous since what the early 80s yeah mid 80s like he like really popped like 92 was like but yeah like he's starting to rap like in the 80s where he's like on the come up yeah he's talking about a long time since you were throwing hands in the street he's like 50 something now i mean and i it also made me think

of like god some like lifestyles can be so different like i've just never had two uncles fist fight at a barbecue that just wasn't a thing in my family uh but that was yeah he he snoop i think found himself yet again another revenue stream where if he wants to do that he could do that bro snoop's also not even 50 really yeah i would have said he was like 52 how old is he he was 49 oh you know what yeah because he fucking i think when think when he came on like Nothing But A G Thing and all that shit with Dre, he was like 18. I think he was like a kid. Dude, he is not aging great. He looks a little old.

Well, he doesn't look human. He looks like a dog. I mean, in his music videos, when he morphs from a Doberman into Snoop, like there's not much change. It's just kind of like the dreads just kind of fall out. But he looks like a dog. He does have sharp features. It looks like in hieroglyphics, there's that one animal that...

You're right. It was 92. I thought he'd been famous for longer than that. I thought he was older. You're talking about his family. No, it's not the Sphinx. I know exactly what you're talking about. I think it's the Sphinx. what you're talking about but i think i think it's a sphinx is it i mean that that is like he looks like that creature in egyptian folklore um so yeah i mean and that's

the worst part for nate is like so many people it's he lost but it's losing to jake paul that's the problem for him because jake paul is a loud mouth bratty white boy that's the problem for him. Because Jake Paul is a loud mouth, bratty white boy. That's at least his reputation. So when Snoop was like, do it for the hood, Swaggy P was like, do it for the hood, do it for the game, do it for the league. Why does the NBA need someone to go fighting for them? I know, I know. He's like, I'm going to do it for my NBA family.

Did anyone ask you to, Nate? Is Jake Paul enemy number one of the nba right why would they we mean you're gonna go do it for your nba family there was uh heavy like racial undertones in this that was making me very uncomfortable like like somebody somebody uh i think once we went viral he said i don't know how or why but i just witnessed some racism like totally fair fight but like the privileged white guy won and i was like afraid to to like say anything zach zach fox tweeted y'all y'all let jake ball knock out a black man and promote a rap record he's definitely screaming the n-word in the locker room right now and he and zach fox had the full n-word hard

art then he had that picture with the shots of the Birmingham fire hoses. And so like, not much has changed. It was a picture of the protest. And it was a picture of like Jake Paul and his hands up. Not much has changed. There was definitely some funny racial undertones and definitely some like, if I tweet like one more thing, I might get canceled. For whatever reason, I was like, this is totally not. It's just like a black guy fought a white guy.

But something about it feels really bad. I feel like if that was, if Chappelle's show. I think it's Jake Paul's beard. I think it feels like. Jake Paul has a racist beard. Yeah, it feels like one of those beards you'd see, like, in fucking, what is it? A Time to Kill? Is it Time to Kill with Samuel L. Jackson with Matthew McConaughey? I can see.

I kind of know what you're talking about, where it's like he would be wearing overalls with nothing on underneath and a red trucker hat, and he'd be at the gas station, and he had some chewing, and he'd be like, with that beard, and he'd be like, not in this town, sir. It's a racist-ass beard. It looks like fucking...

It looks like... It's not a racist beard. I mean, I've got to find the name of the movie. It's Matthew McConaughey. It is. It's Time to Kill with Samuel L. Jackson. He looks like what Kie a racist beard? I mean, I got to find the name of the movie. It's Matthew McConaughey. It is. It's Time to Kill with Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah, so he looks like what Kiefer Sutherland's character. He looks like Kiefer Sutherland's brother.

Yes. Whereas he's in a cut-sleeve fucking flannel. Yep. And he's just... Boy. He says boy a lot. He says what? He tells them...

They stop to get gas. He's like, nope, not here, boy. This is what's only. Keep it moving to the next town. He's like, nope, not here, boy. This is Watts only. Keep it moving to the next town. He's got that beard. That's the beard. That beard is straight on central casting for that character. Just shave, Jake.

It'll be fine. It would have been disproportionately less racist if he didn't have that beard. Just that scraggly fucking Birmingham shit. It's tough, man man that backwoods fucking you look like you combed it with a rock i mean like it's all like it hasn't hasn't once ever gotten any fucking shampoo or conditioner he also chews on one of those like pieces of grain with a straw you know i i saw somebody say uh if chapelle was still around he would he would do a racial draft skit and nate robinson would have to be traded yes i saw someone say if Chappelle was still around, he would do a racial draft skit and Nate Robinson would have to be traded.

Yes. I saw someone say the black delegation is going to trade Nate Robinson for Jack Harlow, which is tough. I mean, that's like the white rapper on what's popping. I don't know. You know what's popping with the fucking that fucking piano loop in the back. I'm sure. I'm sure if I heard it, I would know it. But that's why for Nate, it's a tough... I mean, just the fact that he looked like

the Wicked Witch of the West. Yep. You don't know it? I can recognize the piano. I don't know if I've ever heard the song. I've probably seen or heard the piano on TikTok or something like that. Wow, I thought you would have known this.

I definitely recognize the background beat. Yeah. But, like, he looks like that. You know what I mean? So, like, so, yeah, one of the most embarrassing things ever. So we're going to do our top fives today on most embarrassing things that can happen to you in public life. But first, we'll do a little ATI here, too. What would be your number?

Nate Robinson has $24 million, which is criminally low. I think that's why he's fighting. For the era he came up in and he had long enough of a career, I'm surprised it was only $24 million. Yeah, you're probably right. I thought he would have had like a 24 million dollar contract at some point like a six years four but i think he got out right before that new cba i guess so everyone gets paid 40 million dollars a year by the way when the nba gets a new tv deal or a cba it's just like everyone now gets like 80 million minimum do you see there are only

two i'm sorry there are three nba all time, obviously all time, who have signed multiple different contracts worth $30 million a year. Take a guess who the three are. $30 million per year. I feel like MJ did that. No. He only did it once? Never. No, that's not true.

I mean, according to this, it's a bleacher report. So then two contracts where the annual value is $30 million. I mean, it's got to be like all the new age guys, like James Harden, Steph Curry, and Mike Conley or something. It's LeBron, KD, and Gordon Hayward. Gordon Hayward. Gordon Hayward. Gordon Hayward. Gordon Hayward. That guy sucks.

He's going to suck in Charlotte. He's just going to suck. He's so bad. I'm so happy the Knicks didn't get him. There were so many Knicks fans who were ready for that. I was like, no fucking thank you. I thought MJ signed one year $30 million deals towards the end there, but I guess maybe, obviously not.

Maybe it was multiple years at $30 dollars yeah annually uh cordon fucking hayward uh so what would your number be so you're i mean you got 24 million like you know who knows how much you've spent of it but you're at that you know you've you've made that type of money in your life you're a slam dunk champion so like prior to this nate robinson shows up somewhere and it's not like you're oh my god but it's yeah, that dude won the dunk contest. Nasty Nate. He played for the Knicks. 5'9", but he could dunk on guys.

He's had some poster moments. So you had a good reputation. And let's say you know. Not like how much would it take for you to take that fight. You know you're going to get put face down, dead legs, Jake Paul. I mean, that knockout was one of the craziest knockouts. It looked like a cartoon. He broke his fall with his face, and his legs were up in the air a little bit,

and then he just went dead. And he was out cold for a long enough time that I was like, oh, yikes. This is going to go from funny to dark in a second. He doesn't wake up soon. So how much for that? Doug's told me. I haven't seen it, but Doug's told me he's like rolling with the punches and like kind of like embracing some of the jokes which is like your only option you can't come out with any excuses or anything but but part of me thought like you might have to just disappear from like human life just like

move to like some tribe in like the middle of nowhere i honestly don't think i'd really care that much like i guess it's different because because right now I am just a laughingstock anyway. Well, it's different because you just don't care. But I – You're not a laughingstock like that, dude. If you talk a bunch of shit – I'm not a dunk champion either. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? I got you. You never had much of a reputation to begin with. Right. But if in anything, if you talk this shit and you make these videos and you train or not train for months and then that happens. I think it matters how hard he trained. If he was just like whatever. Whatever, then I'd do it for 600K.

I'd do it for what I think. By the way, all the talk about him only making $600 is just. I thought that was so weird. One tweet that was clearly just missing K had everybody thinking they only making $600. It's just. I thought that was so weird that like one tweet like that was clearly just missing. K. K. Had everybody thinking they only got $600. It made perfect sense.

It was like 1 million for Roy. But that made it worse, by the way. Like that rumor did catch on as stupid as it was. So then there was another group of the Internet being like Nate Robinson only got $600 and got knocked out. So that made things even worse for him. I feel like six hundred dollars that dude the backyard wrestler broke both his legs he made more than 600 bucks that night you think nate robinson was fighting on triller which i still don't know what that is

for weed maps and i mean you remember both the names right yeah yeah uh yeah i mean but i i feel like there's a level of pride there like i mean that dude you know i also don't anytime he shows up to like you know as like an ex-player like you could show up at rucker and play streetball and you get like respect or you do a summer league thing and people like oh what up nate like they're gonna call like when when swaggy p was like oh nate just stay down yeah stay down man that's tough for the nba family bro you know what he needs is someone else one of these guys who was like i think evan turner was like i got next it's like he needs him to beat somebody else up and then it can just be like oh jake paul can beat up nba players yeah this is the thing right now you're the only one so it's a wrap

for you but uh yeah i mean i'm thinking i gotta get at least i think like whatever his like kind of annual average year was like i gotta get a year's salary to do this i would bet if he played like eight years and he and he made 24 so give me like three million dollars i'd do that yeah i mean i know i do it for probably less because it is one of those things too i i i guess not like even even in some small level nate robinson lived like the baller life for a little bit because he was like this known thing being so short he was a one of a kind in the nba so he's got a higher standard than than you he does but i think that i think that we and maybe it's because

we were talking the echo chamber earlier like people i i know like close in my life didn't even have any idea this was happening so there's we get we just like start thinking about twitter memes and it's like yeah 90 of people in my life have no fucking clue what you're talking about he also though i think he has like a youtube channel and he's like trying to be something on the Internet. That's the problem. So like that, he has something like I think he does like a cribs for cars, basically. It's like, I don't know, Nate's rides or something like that, where he's like going around. You show your car or something like that.

So if you're trying to have a presence on the Internet and then you get devoured by the Internet, that's you almost have to start being like being like well this is what i thought my revenue on youtube was going to be and that's no longer so that's what my price is going to be is that there is very little on the internet you're right there's almost no coming back from that top fives most embarrassing things that can happen to you in public or in everyday life uh i'll tell you what it is it's getting caught not wearing tommy john underpants. Like your mom says, you never know. Never know. Talk about embarrassed.

You get in some sort of trouble. You get injured. And they take your pants off and you're wearing some non-Tommy Johns like some fucking poor scrub. Could you imagine that? The EMTs are like, look, this guy doesn't even have a quick draw fly. This guy can't even get his dick out to pee this guy's got holes in his in his ratty grimy plaid boxer you know floppy piece of shit underwear no gotta get yourself some tommy johns which are tight performance gear moisture wicking soft materials the waistband that stays

tight the legs that stay down the the quick draw fly that also helps your dick look big uh they've got that i mean how many times, Tommy John, do we have to ask for some thongs for John? How many times? It is bizarre. How many times? Like the dude just wants to wear your thongs. What if I just started wearing thongs all the time?

Just buy Tommy John thongs? Yeah. Buy some, and then maybe they'll send you some free ones. They've got the thongs. They've got loungewear. They've got t-shirts, lounge pants. The Tommy John lounge, I mean, I'm wearing them. I wear these fucking every day now. These black

lounge pants that are I feel like I am like Bruce Lee when I wear these, bro. I feel like Bruce Lee would rock these. Like a karate master. Like comfortable, but like stretchy and can move. So they've got it all from head to toe. Undergarments,

outergarments, everything from Tommy John. Go to TommyJohn.com slash outer garments, everything from Tommy John. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC, I believe it is, and you get 20% off site-wide. That's TommyJohn.com slash KFC for a limited time only. You get 20% off. See site for details. That's TommyJohn.com slash KFC.

Most embarrassing things that can happen to you in, like, your everyday life. All me to go first um no you can go number one all right i'll go number one um i'm gonna say just i'm gonna shoot like fastball straight down the middle just tripping in public the the tripping up the stairs or the stumbling up the curb where you're kind of like your legs are getting ahead of you and you're desperately trying to play it off and regain your balance and act like you were jogging maybe but you can't so it's just like you're prolonging the inevitable and it feels like you're falling for like seven minutes even though it's just like a split second and everybody everybody just looks at you like you are a total spaz that and that and then if you do like if you fall if you completely fall have you ever seen are a total spaz. And then if you do, like, if you fall, if you completely fall.

Have you ever seen, like, a businesswoman or a man fall when they're wearing, like, their work clothes? They have, like, a briefcase or, like, their purse spills open or something. When you look them in the eye, you see, like, you can see them actually contemplating suicide. Yes. They're like, if you have a gun, put me down. Please, like, throw me off the curb into the street so a car runs over me the good old-fashioned trip uh getting tabletopped what's that when someone kneels behind you and the other person pushes you that is that's just that's just diabolical i have a fucking scar on my elbow from this i was a sixth grader and

this kid tommy coakley was in eighth grade, and we started to hang out and be friends. I was like, oh, cool. He was an eighth grader. Then they fucking tabletopped me on concrete, and I broke my fall with my elbow, and I split it the fuck open, and there was blood everywhere. They were like, oh, shit. Sorry, man. I was like, yeah, you fucking systematically threw me to the concrete, motherfucker.

That's why tabletop is the worst, too, because it's not the trip. Sometimes you could even get away without anyone seeing you. The tabletop is a group decision to humiliate you. Yeah, but I almost. We're going to plan. Everyone watch this. You have a role. You execute.

You execute. But I almost feel like that's my out and being like, well, yeah, you fucking two on one to me out of nowhere of nowhere you sons of bitches it's usually not even two users like six on one usually they're there's someone distract the camera like there's it is a a mass movement to embarrass and humiliate you it is and you know it usually can end in pain yeah uh i am gonna go with with thinking that someone's waving at you, but it's like behind you. So you're like, yeah, no, not me, not me. And it's usually quick enough and nobody else realizes it but you on the inside, again, contemplating suicide. Where you're like, what can I help? Yeah, sure.

And it's like, why would that person? Total stranger. Or like, why would they be talking to me? Of course they're talking to like the person behind me because that's that's where they work or that's where blah blah like no no one wants you ever that's so it's because ultimately mean thing to hear that's what it is no one wants you literally ever that's why it hurts so much because it's a narcissistic thing that you're like oh what you must be you must need me must be like how can i help how can i me be of assistance i will grace you can I help? How can I, me, be of assistance?

I will grace you with my help. Oh, no, you don't want me at all. Never mind. It's an ego check for sure. Two, getting nuggeted. Backpack. Backpack, that was on my list. Another thing where people just go out of their way to do it to you

and they have cohorts. Some people are fucking distracting you while they're fucking taking all your books out. I used to really pull a trick on them, though, because guess what? My backpack was full of trash. Why? We're just like rappers. I finish my water bottle and just toss it in there.

Handy bars and just like... Imagine that. You go to fucking... You go to fucking nugget him and you're like, there's a bottle of dip and like a half-eaten bag of chips and you're like, oh, fuck.

I mean, you are Charlie Kelly, man. Honestly, I think I could see Charlie Kelly carrying two bags and they're like, what's the second bag for?

He's like, my garbage. That's my trash bag. I put all my garbage in there. Yeah, I got food in there. I mean, he just pulled out a moldy Tupperware

full of leftovers. He's got dirty laundry. He's got three wrappers. A stray, I mean, stray pens. Literal garbage. Look how, look how, I don't even want to touch this, but look how faded this is. This is like

yellow. This is a napkin from Amtrak. This is the last time you were on the fucking train, man. That is so old, it is faded yellow. This looks like a relic from the past. Look at this. Look at this fucking this peanut butter cup. Oh my god, it's just dust.

It's just dust. It looks like moon rocks from the lunar surface. Look at all the trash in here. Make sure. Are you, are you, yeah, I mean... John! John! John!

Every day you wake up and you bring a bag of garbage to and from all your destinations. What? Why? You could leave the apartment and you could say, I'm going to leave my bag of garbage here today and not have to carry this on my shoulders.

And you say, nope, this trash is coming with me. And then you get to work, you put it down, you don't do anything, and then you bring it back home with you. What is wrong with you? It's stuck to the... The clothing is stuck to the bag on the inside. Is that a sock?

It's a sock. This sock is forged. It is forged to the fabric of the bag. I can't even rip it off what is this john john john john john look at me john look at me we're having an intervention what i'll tell you what the number one most embarrassing thing that can happen to you is you're revealed to the world that you carry garbage in your knapsack everywhere you go this is a lifelong trick on how to get back at people trying to nugget you. Make sure you got a bunch of rotten candy and

trash in your bag. Jokes on them. Oh, God. My bag's always filled with garbage. Oh, good nugget, asshole. They're covered in, like, syrup and, like, melted shit. Like Like what the fuck?

Breaking into my backpack. He's like breaking into Kevin McAllister's home. Oh my God. Dude, just over Thanksgiving, my brother-in-law was telling me a story. He was like a menace in high school. And he used to fucking nugget people all the time. So he had this one teacher. He had a teacher that I had.

So, like, this kid started young. So he was a pretty young teacher, I guess. And so he tried to pull a power move. John, like, he's putting the garbage back in. He's cleaning the dust into his hands and putting it back in the bag. We just described, we just decided it's all garbage, and rather than throw it out, he's putting it back. Someone tries to nugget me, Kevin.

This is just so you know, don't you ever dare try to nugget me. It's all going back in here. Message well received. I will dare try to nugget me. It's all going back in here. Message well received. I will not try to nugget. Just look at you. What? Show the camera that. Show the fucking camera that.

It's just a pack of trash. Honestly. And that was totally like, we didn't decide to do this until like five minutes before the show for anybody who thinks that maybe this was set up the man literally just carries around a bag of trash i cleaned it recently there used to be so much more trash in here until like like honestly you are despicable honestly like in october i cleaned this like there was look at this look at the desk bro look at these coaches i can't i cannot i don't know how we're supposed to do the rest of the list everything else is just gonna like pale in comparison to this moment. Dude.

Dude, so this teacher was sick of the nuggeting going on and disrupting his class. So he tried to pull the power move. And he... So he stood at the doorway. And everyone that walked in said, flip your back inside out. He made everyone nugget themselves it's like you can't nugget you can't nugget anybody during class if everybody's already nuggeted so he just made everybody do it to themselves my sister was in the same class and she was like i she had like a purse and she was like i can't i can't like flip this inside

out it's not a backpack it's like a bag that doesn't like work and he was like figure it out fucking flip it okay you're winning dude this is a long shot bag yeah right it was like okay man you're like sitting here like yelling at at like fucking teenage girls flip your bag inside out i will not stand for this okay you won dude oh my god all right uh This is my third pick. Oh, no, no. This is easy. When the flight attendant says, you know, have a good flight, and you say you, too. Oh, no. The movie ticket.

Like, enjoy your movie. You, too. The wrong you, too. Like, enjoy your meal. You, too. No, they're not eating, dude. That moment is a frequent one, and it and it hurts every single that one's a good one that one that one's one of those ones though that i almost feel like it got me so often that

i stopped caring i i drowned with it there was a time when it was just like i'll lean into it you too yeah enjoy your meal i know you know i always just go like i always i'll accidentally say it and i'm always just like, you know what the fuck I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a courteous you two, you get it. Need to change directions. So you're walking down the street and you realize you're going the wrong way. I was going to say get lost.

And then you just fake a phone call, you turn around. That is truly the craziest thing I do. And I'm happy to hear you do it too. Anybody who will orchestrate a full-blown fake phone call because you think that strangers I'll go into a store. Absolutely. Just go hang out in the store for a minute. I'll go in.

I'll ask a question. Be like, do you guys carry XYZ? Something I know they don't carry. They'll say no, and then I can walk out. Because I'm convinced that someone's watching me walk 10 feet in the wrong direction. I could just turn around and go, oh, shit, it's south. I'm walking north. Okay.

But no, I have to orchestrate an entire fantasy world where I justify me walking in the wrong direction for five seconds. It's something no one else has ever done in the history of the world. No one could possibly understand the pain of needing to turn around because they went the wrong way at one point. Never. It's unique to me and only me. Yeah, alright, so... Okay. This is more of like a panic-inducing

moment than an embarrassment, but sending the wrong text to somebody. Oh. I did that recently. Not great. It was harmless, but recently. Not great. Yeah. It was not, it was harmless, but it was not great. Sent, uh, like a video, like a viral video, like a TikTok to someone that was just the wrong person.

And I just felt like I had to explain it. And I was just like, this is terrible. This is awful. This is just so awful. Uh, that, that moment. Was it someone you talked to regularly? Yeah. I sent it to Caitlin and it was just like like, she was checking in on the kids.

And I was like, great, they're doing good. How are you doing? By the way, did you see this? And there was just no reason for her to see that. And I was like, oh, fuck, it was not supposed to be for you. And that feeling when you like, usually what happens to me is, because I usually am like, all right, I'm texting you, and I'm texting them at the same time.

And I've got the kids there. so i'm always kind of multitasking and i send it and then it'll almost take me a minute where i i'm like looking at the rest of the conversation and i'm like wait a minute that shouldn't go for there that should go for there oh like if there's like a a lag for my brain to kick and realize that what i've done and that feeling when it just rushes over you like nope. And that's, you know, like I said, it was harmless, but if you've ever done it for like something bad, that's really not good. Yeah.

Really not good. I've done that. I do that more than I'd like to admit. I feel like I'm getting like old. Like it's like it's dementia, like early onset. Oh, I think that all the time. I've texted the wrong person again. I'm always convinced I'm losing it. Yeah. I don't do necessarily the, I've done the screenshot send again. I'm always convinced I'm losing it. Yeah. I don't do necessarily the – I've done the screenshot send back to the person.

But just the straight up wrong text, I do like very often. And I'm like that has got to be a sign, a new age sign, you know, because we haven't – this generation hasn't gotten old enough yet. I think we'll come to realize the signs, or at least the early warning signs of early dementia is going to be like, mistexting. Or just like, picking up your phone and forgetting why you did it. Which I do 15 times an hour. Well, I'll pick up my phone and do something, go to Twitter, you know? And then put my phone down and be like, wait, that's not why, what did I get that for?

Brutal. Oh, someone asked me for someone's number. And I'll pick it up, and I'll fucking check Twitter, and I'll put it back down. Wait, why did I pick that up again? And it'll take like, three to five times before I'll be it up and I'll fucking check Twitter and I'll put it back down wait why did I pick that up again and it'll take like 3-5 times before I'll be picking up my phone how about this speaking of being scared of getting dementia I was thinking about this

while watching like the undoing or really any show like I've watched a lot of criminal minds just streaming on Netflix like are you nervous about snapping like there are so many people who are just, like, regular old dudes who snap. Yes. Yeah.

100%. Like, I have no control over it. What if I just snap? 100%. I am absolutely going to snap. I said this back before my life blew up. I remember reading those stories about the mom in the minivan who drives off the bridge.

I remember being like, I kind of get it. And that was when I didn't have stuff to worry about. I will go as far to say I'm not worried about if. I'm worried about when. I'm worried about let's make sure it's not catastrophic. That's where I'm not worried about if I'm worried about when I'm worried about, let's make sure it's not catastrophic. That's where I'm at. So what's, what would be a reasonable snap for you?

I need to have, but it's, yeah, it's gotta still be snap. You know, it's gotta be, I want, I,

I will settle. I'll sign right now for like public meltdown, like at a restaurant. I'm like screaming and yelling at someone. Oh, everyone's looking at KFC. I'll sign for that. You know what it is? Here's what's going to happen.

Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to be like at a restaurant or something. I'm going to be leaving or going to the restaurant. You know what's going to happen? I'm going to walk the wrong direction. And I'm going to come up with a plan to walk into a store to ask for something. Because that's how I. And I'm going to be like, oh, you got.

So you saw me walk the wrong way, didn't you? You think you're all fucking so smart. Always walking in the right direction. And I'm going to absolutely lose it. I'll tell you what. I could have lost it the other day with the car. If I was in public. Like I was just by myself at a train station. but if i if there was something else going on or

someone like there was someone in the moment if there was like a punk tiktok kid it was like i would have fucking lost it so i will sign for embarrassing tmz type of like new york blogger like has public outburst i'll sign for that right now if that if that could be my snap where i get all of like get it out and like nobody gets hurt or injured that'd be a good i'll i'll consider that a good day i will sign for that i definitely think we'll snap yeah i mean that's who we are it's what we do we suppress all of our feelings and then we burst in like every like four months but like the snaps are my my i'm going to murder a snap because like i have no because like i don't murder someone i don't think so either but i would be the poster child for like like the neighbors would be like yeah no we had no idea he was very normal i think

the problem the reason why you know what the problem is with you you have the the ability to murder like i don't you know like you you could like beat someone to death i couldn't well you fucking could hit someone in the head with a hammer yes i don't, you know, like, you could, like, beat someone to death. I couldn't. Well, you fucking could hit someone in the head with a hammer. Yes. I don't think I'm gonna do that, though.

With a sculpting hammer. I don't think I'm gonna... Man, that was a tough scene. That was a tough scene. The fact that they showed it, they kept showing the first one, which was just... And then he, like,

straightens her face out and then hits her again. And that thud, you know? Yeah. That was tough. But I just don't have the,, like, aggression to beat someone with my fists or a weapon. So I don't think I worry about it. The reason I'm not going to kill someone is because I can't.

I'm a pussy. Not because of the mental faculties. I could definitely. I got the mental ability, not the physical ability. You could pull it off. But, I mean, I think ability. You could pull it off. But I mean, I think a lot of people could pull it off. It's just. You could pick someone up and throw them off a balcony.

You can do damage in different ways. But I'm just scared. I just don't. Because I don't have the mental capacity for it. And I'm just like, what if one day I just do? Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

That and losing my mind i'm right out here been a pretty boring weekend it's cut you just start to realize that the human mind like i think there's a reason i think i think we're gonna go extinct soon like i think the human mind is not capable of handling what modern life puts it through. I would tend to agree with that. Like, I think for 10,000 years or however long, like, you fucking farmed and you killed animals. You ate them. You farmed.

You fucked. And that was it. And now you have, like, jobs and promotions and ego and like all these things to worry about you have to make money you have to make you have to find love you have to be satisfied you have to have friends you have to get promoted you have to be an entrepreneur just all these things and then you factor in the internet and all the stimulation you get and i don't think we're evolving fast enough to keep up with it i so i think we're all gonna snap i wholeheartedly agree with you yeah i i was thinking just the other day that I was like,

I've said this before too, where it's just like, it like hit me that like, probably I have to do this for 50 more years. Yeah. Yeah. It's a long time. I don't know if I can take it.

I think I'm a little too stressed out to do this for 50 more years. It's kind of like, you know, like the, like we were talking about with Kazzy David, where it's like, if you look at like everything that it entails, you probably wouldn't sign up for it. You know? Like, yeah, there's always been's kind of like, you know, like the, like we were talking about with Kazzy David, where it's like, if you look at like everything that it entails, you probably wouldn't sign up for it.

Right. You know, like, yeah, there's always been the stress of like, there's been fathers who always have to raise their kids, you know, but being a father and having to raise your kids to worry about like the

internet and predators and sexting and like all that, like that, you know, it used to be like, we have to like keep protect them from like someone literally murdering them. Right. It's so complex. Everything used to be like you have to protect them from someone literally murdering them. It's so complex. Everything used to be black and white. Now it's very complicated, and I don't think we have the answers for it.

So how do you – so you just go crazy. You just feel inadequate. You're like, I can't handle this. And then you kill yourself. You feel like someone's always after you. Yeah. That's what I was thinking that too. When I was watching The Undoing, I was was like, Oh man, it must be so stressful. Like, cause again,

like you always, we never really worry about fucking like getting canceled, but you're always just like, well, what if something happened in my past? And then that, yes. And then you're like,

I gotta do that for 50 more years. Right. I don't know. Not interested. Like, like it just, the internet and, and like technology of the world and the way everything's connected,

just the amount of ways you can get like in trouble or damaged or hurt or canceled or whatever again it used to be like don't let the wolves attack or something and that was it now it's like you got to worry about so goddamn much and uh yeah i just eventually you know that's just how it goes. So anyway, my fourth pick and my fifth pick here. John's turn. Okay, John, it's your turn. Snapping and bubbling.

Murdering people. I would say my fourth would be getting flat tired. Yeah, that sucks. Or when you kick the person's foot into the back of their calf, which I do all the time. You do that to me the other day. And I wanted to literally stab you in the face. Yeah. Cause that,

that is, that's a terrible feeling. I very regularly do that to people. And I, and again, I know it's super embarrassing because I laughed so hard every time I do it. It is really embarrassing for you. And that,

it becomes like, it's like, it's not your fault. Like you didn't spaz out again someone like sabotaged you but you watch them get such satisfaction out of it it's like you motherfucker all right i mean for my last and final pick i feel like i'm going with um like the holy grail like the one here is fart a fart yeah because it's i mean i have not farted in public and got like caught like a loud fart that's like you farted in so long i probably just jinxed myself it's been a long time but if and when that happens that'll probably be what leads to my snap yeah i'm like kc farted i'm like

but the public fart is very hard to come back from. The public fart is a very dangerous one. Honestly, I always get it. God forbid if it leads into shit yourself. That's a whole other level. I just get tired after I do it. Because I end up moving so much. Just trying to be like, oh, no, it was the chair. Squeaking, squeaking.

You were around the room. I was over here the whole time. What are you talking about? Yeah, no, it's a harrowing moment. If it's loud and you know it, that's it. You're dead the room. I was over here the whole time. What are you talking about? Yeah, no, it's a harrowing moment. If it's loud and you know it, that's it. You're a dead man walking. If it's silent but deadly, you start to do things that are like, all right, well, let me leave the room.

Let me walk over here. Let me just end this conversation out of nowhere and walk away. It's like you're so obvious and so guilty, and people don't realize it. They're like, he's behaving weird. Oh. Oh, he farted. Okay.

That's why I've always kind of been envious of like, like there was like, anytime I've had like the fat friend or like the funny, usually they're usually fat, whatever. They can kind of be like, and they're like, ha, ha, ha. And everyone's like, oh, that's funny. You farted.

Whereas like if I fart, people would be like, you're disgusting. Yeah. You know? Making me, being like. Is that your asshole I can taste right now. Right. Right.

Like, why does that guy get a pass? But I'm like, you know, a savage. But being like being of the stature and like the personality to be able to make farts funny is a valuable. It's just like, I never have to worry about this. I can fart at will. Number five is just having to take your shirt off. Yeah. Oh, my God.

This fucking thing with Liz is like I am so goddamn nervous. Are you doing it today? No. Wednesday now, I guess. Yeah, Wednesday too. I mean, I'm just going to wear clothes. I'm just not going to do a sexy fucking thing. She's bullied us all into this thing.

It's crazy. Yeah, she has. We got to do a sexy fucking calendar photo shoot. And I like said yes, because I didn't want to be like the wet blanket and didn't think it was really going to materialize. And now it is. Taking your shirt off is the worst. Take your shirt off at work or in public. Anywhere.

I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to wear the Sherpa robe with nothing on underneath and show very little. I'm going to go gray sweatpants and probably stuff my pants so my dick looks good with the robe on and be like, this is as sexy as I get. Me wearing head-to-toe clothes. Well, I'm going to maybe ask, I'm going to stuff it, I'm going to ask maybe the photographer,

can you bump me up a little bit there with the post-production? Give me a little pop-pop. But yeah, I had a moment where I was like, I've got kids and shit. I can't be like posting, even like in a comedic way. Like I'm in a sexy calendar. Like what the fuck is going on? It is odd.

It's very bizarre. So yeah. But yeah, every time I, every time I have to take post shirtless, it's like when I like Roy Jones, not post. I just mean like, I i mean take my shirt off yeah it's like i i imagine i feel how roy jones felt when he showed up like oh he was just like i fucking really wish i prepared for this you know it's like yeah every time every time the beach rolls around for the first time of the year i'm like i wish i prepared for the beach i wish i

possibly could have predicted that this was going to happen at some point damn it it got warm enough again to go to the beach how did i I, how did I not see this coming? I, uh, I oddly like throughout all of quarantine, I really didn't like gain much weight or like get fat really. And I remember thinking it like, as of like a few weeks ago, being like, you know, I had a really good run. Like usually I kind of do worry about my weight and like, I'll start to eat salads here and there. But for the past like year or so I've just been eating and it wasn't affecting me for

one reason or another. And then right. As all of a sudden I have to do a calendar shoot, I was like, oh, it all hit me. I'm back to the fattest I've ever been. I was like, great fucking time. Again, here comes the snap. Maybe I'll snap at this fucking calendar shoot. Maybe I'll just kill this photographer.

All right, so that's it for our top fives. Oh, I'm going to throw an honorable mention. I mean, I'm surprised neither of us said this. Some sort of sexual embarrassment. Can't get it up. Pop up too early. But that's not public, so to speak. True, true, true.

That's pretty private. True, yeah. But sexual embarrassment is always up there. Maybe it's just that that's so common. It is what it is. So let us know what are your top five embarrassing moments that can happen to you in everyday life or in public or whatever. I'll throw a top five. I'll throw an honorable mention in here.

My professional football team treated me like I'm a member of the Special Olympics because I passed the ball twice. Yeah. Ken, what's his name? I honestly don't remember. And he seems like a very nice guy. It is. Kendall Hinton. Kendall Hinton. Kendall Hinton.

With one of the saddest fucking... Like, the fact that the Broncos tweeted this is so disrespectful, if you ask me. Well, yeah, they didn't do him any favors. Kendall Hinton was the emergency backup, backup, backup, backup quarterback who played after every quarterback on the broncos roster tested positive and so it was i mean it is he called cck so i'm having his back here because i appreciate anyone who does no it's nothing that he did wrong yeah he was like he had two hours dude they said he found out saturday night and they did like a two-hour run through that's like

all he really got to do to like learn the NFL playbook. But also, shouldn't he have known? He's on the practice squad. He's a wide receiver on the scout team. Why would he fucking know the quarterback play? I feel like just like when you're on a team, you have to know the plays. I don't know about that, dude. Like knowing how to fucking be the quarterback is.

I mean, he plays quarterback. He did here. plays i don't know about that dude like knowing how to fucking be the quarterback is i mean he plays quarterback he did here i mean he played in college too yeah but i mean he said it he was like it's very different of course it's different but it's just like i don't know you played division one college football quarterback right now you played nfl football quarterback guys like seasons to learn a team's playbook again i, I'm not saying it's like, I'm not saying he should have played great or he fucking should have won the game or should be taking them to a Superbowl. I'm just saying this tweet is so ridiculously over the top.

He said, I'm from, I'm familiar with our concepts, but it's a lot different from quarterback. Right. But the Broncos tweeted, there was a game today. The final score is what it is. Undrafted rookie wide receiver. Kendall Hinton came off the practice squad, had zero practice reps, and competed

in his first NFL game as the Broncos quarterback. An unprecedented situation. He deserves all the respect. Like, bro, did he solve cancer before taking the field? Did he rescue orphans? He's a professional football player who played professional

football. One of nine for 13 passing yards. Two picks. I mean, that's... Again, I'm not saying how dare he not be great. I just mean it seems like he overcame some incredibly difficult situation before taking the field.

He's just a professional athlete who played professional sports. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they didn't do him any favors with making it more, seem like more than it really was. But that's, you know, some of these fucking teams on social media. There was a game today. The final score isn't what's important. What's really important is that a fucking college football player

played professional football now. Yeah, he's 23. What's really important is that a fucking college football player played professional football now. Yeah, he's 23. He played college quarterback. It's like, yeah, when was the last time you played quarterback? I don't know, like nine months ago? It's insane. It's actually crazy that everyone kept saying he's a wide receiver. Sure, he's a practice squad wide receiver,

but he played quarterback at Wake Forest. Recently, he's playing mostly quarterback. Playing wide receiver because he can't. Yeah. I would have said no. What? I would have said no. I would have said no to the Broncos.

Like, no, dude. I would have been like, you got to give me a fat check right now. I need a game check times like five. Not doing it. And they might have just gone down the list, but whatever. Shoot my shot. I can't believe that they just even played this game. Well, that's what's bullshit is that, like, some guys, you know,

some teams and situations will rearrange the entire schedule. Other teams, figure it out yourself. And I know they said, like, the Broncos were not wearing masks, so this is almost a punishment. But then it's a slippery slope of, like, how do you know who was behaving in certain ways and who wasn't? And you know what goes on. Like, is somebody watching every team and every coach's movements like it probably should be uniform

bro i sneezed eight times after my covet test really i just you know the one that goes into your brain and hits your like sinuses so i did four double sneezes so i was like and then they were like, oh, God bless you. And I was like, sorry, that was then did two more. And I was like, oh, my God, like, please stop. And then two more. And the girl and the guy giving the test, I think we're like, get the fuck out of here. You probably don't have COVID, but Jesus Christ, if you do, it's all over the place.

Now, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I mean, I would have said, like, thanks, but no thanks. Because it's like, I i mean you can't lit the fuck up back there if you don't know what you're doing yeah i mean he is a college quarterback who was like bro and he said it so honestly he was just like you have no idea how big and how fast they are till you're back there like yeah it's it's not like oh uh you know hey shortstop go pitch for an inning it's like we're putting you into the fucking gladiator arena here so uh all right let's do our voicemails. We got two interviews coming up today. We got Tom Middleditch, who was a very funny dude.

We had our own like Pied Piper fucking jerk off session thing. Remember that? We're talking about sucking Ben's dick. So very funny shit with him. We also have hysterical comedian Steve Fury, who tours with burt kreischer who was our first time talking to him who was uh really funny like genuinely funny cat who i think we're going to be seeing a lot more of as time comes on uh so we'll do that but first up our voicemails they're brought to you by harry's i've got the razor right here it's got a good rubber grip it's got what one

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It's ready and available to ship to you wherever you shop. So go to harrys.com slash KFC to get the quality blades at an honest price for three bucks. Let's go. Hey, what's up, guys? This is Alex with I Am Not Your Asshole for you. My fiance got me a PS5. Congratulations to me. But recently, she got through her dad, who's good at getting that stuff.

But one of her younger brother's friends, the parents go through a real messy divorce, and the dad promised the kid he'd get him a PS5, and obviously he can't because the guy has no idea what he's doing, and they're sold out and going for like $1,000 on eBay. But besides the point, her dad told me about this, not knowing that I knew about the PS5. And so as soon as I got home, told my fiance, hey, you should give the PS5 that you're going to give to me for Christmas to this kid. Also, I was able to find out if I'm not an idiot,

so I was able to find out through some contact clues, I guess. But, yeah, just want to know if I am the asshole, because she's pretty pissed off at me for wanting wanting credit because she went ahead and told her dad and that's a fantastic idea you're being an awesome person not giving it to your fiance but to this kid and i want to know if i'm the asshole uh for wanting to get credit for this because i'm the one who kind of brought that forward to her uh thanks guys uh visa okay so his wife got him a PS five that she's going to give to him for Christmas. There is some issue going on with a family friend.

It seems where the son is sick, I think, or something like that. And he told his wife to give that kid the PS five. Right. And, but he wants credit for it. And the wife kind of went,

not behind his back, but went and pretended she didn't hear from him. Was like, why don't you, I got you a PS5. And he's like, well, that's kind of my credit. That's my PS5. I'm giving to him. I definitely feel that. 100% agree with that. Like, 100%, that's your PS5.

First of all, why was your wife waiting until Christmas? Like, adults do your wife waiting until Christmas? Adults do that? Wait until Christmas for your presents? I guess. I feel like a PS5 is one where you're like, give it to me now. Yeah.

You know? I don't know. I mean, if it's like your big gift, it depends on your budget and shit like that. You're only a couple months away. I don't know. I could see people being like, oh, honey, it sold out. Sorry. And then surprise you a couple weeks later. Yeah, I guess.

But I don't know. It probably really depends on what. I don't actually believe Santa's coming that night. Just give it to me now. Merry Christmas a couple weeks early. You get to play fucking Call of Duty for extra three weeks, four weeks. But I can definitely understand the idea of like you know this is the ultimate like when you put money in the tip jar and they're not looking right you know it's like

you went you but but it's also it's almost like someone made you the person look away when i put the money in the tip you knew this was the idea and you took it and ran with it just so you get the credit that's tough i don't i don't think you're an asshole at all forever asking for credit well it's tough when it's like this should be out of the goodness of your heart. Nothing's out of the goodness of your heart. Yes, I'm doing it. You're right. I had the thought because I'm nice, but I'm doing it for credit.

That's the only reason I'm doing anything. So someone could say, good job. Life is one giant ledger, one balance sheet debits and credits and i need all the debits i can fucking get you know what i mean like i need all the good karma i can get i need all the favors i can get so you know yeah maybe you do get the karma because it was your idea but i need like you know that kid's dad one day to be like i'm gonna i'm gonna get you back one day you know i'll get you i'll help you get a promotion or some shit one day because you gave my dead son a fucking bs5 there's uh there's a an episode of 30 rock when tina fey she signs up to be a secret santa and she shows she it's like i think it was up in harlem she's giving away the

toys or whatever and she shows up to the kid's house who she knew or their apartment who she knew she had to get some santa for and she's, did you guys get your new toys? And they're like, yeah, Santa got them for us. Santa didn't get those for you. I did. And they're like, what? And they start crying. And then the dad comes out and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? She's like, I'm the one who got them, those presents.

I spent the money. That was me. I did the work. And she was excited to tell them. And they're like, yeah, they were from a secret Santa, not a fucking sad old white woman. Like, you signed up were from a secret Santa, not a fucking sad old white woman. Like you signed up to give a secret Santa. You didn't sign up to give a present from Tina Fey, from Liz Lemon.

My kids are in the elf on the shelf age. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened. Really? It is. Teaching about state secrets? I wield so much power now. I am abusing the fuck out of the elf on the shelf i'm just like ah elf's watching and they are like i had keegan doesn't quite do it but when i when

i threaten him like i'll be like elf on the shelves watching and shay will like straighten up keegan i'll be like what does that mean i'll be like and then i have to be like i'm telling the elf on the shelf to tell santa're being bad. And then he starts crying. But I had Shay go, like, Keegan wouldn't go to bed. He was being a dick. I'm, like, telling him. And I was like, if you guys don't go to sleep, like, I'm calling elf on the shelf right now. And Shay goes, dad, dad, dad, dad, can you tell him that I'm being a good girl and Keegan's being bad?

I was like, oh, no. I was like, no, now you're going to get in trouble for being a little tattletale. I'm calling the elf on all these motherfuckers. But they are like, it's amazing. Is this the first year with it? Yeah, it's like the first time they're old enough to understand it. And it is just, I am going to abuse this thing. I'm going to make them do so many things in the name of the elf on the shelf. You're teaching children how Big Brother watches.

Yeah, pretty much. Listen, this is how you get targeted geo ads. Elf on the Shelf is watching. Next up. Hi, KFC sites and everyone else who works there. I was just listening to your episode about

would you fuck somebody with the same name as you, the opposite gender? My name is Darian and every time that I meet somebody and I say my name and they're like oh I've only met one other Darian I always go oh is it black guy and everyone thinks it's kind of racist but I don't know like I've never been wrong every time time they're like, yeah. And I'm the complete opposite. I'm a white woman.

And I don't know. Like, I mean, I don't think I would fuck them. But, oh, maybe that sounded racist. All right. Have a good day. That was great. That was was great that was fucking great i was like oh can't say that can't say that i mean you you can say i think if if every other person is always a black guy and you say i don't know though i mean that just seems like it like it's not that it's not a racist joke i don't think anybody should be like that's racist but in this world it's probably better to just skip that joke are you saying whatever she makes that joke to like her friends yes or it's not even friends but it's like people if you if if if you're

introducing someone they say what's your name say darian and they say oh i've only met one so you're just meeting them and you say like is it a black guy there is literally nothing wrong with that but in this world, I wouldn't do it. I mean... I'm just so fucked, but... I guess you're right, but also, like, if you said, oh, I met a Brendan, I'd probably be like...

Doesn't work. You're going to say the Irish? Doesn't work. We are impervious to all of it. I mean, it's apples and oranges, man. It's potatoes and collard greens. You just can't make... you can't even make references anymore without worrying

again you might, I don't think anybody will really be like ah you're racist but put it this way the laughs you might get or the reaction you might get is not worth the juice ain't worth the squeeze running around telling people that you won't fuck black people might want to keep that one to yourself.

Play that one a little closer to the best. It's just personal preference. I just don't like black people. That was a great epiphany. Maybe that's not a racist. Go ahead. It's OKC Fights BC. I've got a question for you.

There's a story behind it. I matched with a girl on a dating app, and we have never met before. And the first time she wants to hang out tomorrow is she wants to go hiking. And I live in Nebraska, so you're kind of limited on hiking. But it seems rather odd that the first time you meet someone's going to be in a forest i she could murder me but uh anyway my question that leads to that is what is the weirdest date idea you've ever had or the weirdest date activity you've ever done um viva i mean i think if you're worried about getting murdered

going into the forest by a chick, you're a big pussy. I think, you know, I think somebody would get worried about getting murdered. You're the brass the boy, supposed to be corn friend, tough son of bitches. Yeah. Like, the girls should be worried about that. Right, right.

Not you. Come on. I don't think I've done many weird dates. I'm pretty, like, steak and potatoes on this one. I feel like I've done very traditional dinner, movies, bars, drinks. I've done the two. I've done the one where I just showed up with water bottles of wine. And we went for a walk.

And we ended up, we were in Boston Common. And like ended up just kind of sitting there. It's like out at Goodwill Hunting. Like we just like sat there watching like men's league softball yelling at the teams and watching yeah drinking yep um but then the other one was like that museum where i was like right right yeah but the museum was like a 10 out of 10 move and it worked well enough that was that that's because it was not the the museum it was the the, it was the line. What's the worst thing you can do? God, that was

a great fucking line. For those who don't know, she said, what's the last thing you want to do? She said museum, so we're going to museum because I can make that fun. I don't think I hate to be boring. She was like, oh, okay. Really? I was like, yeah, I'll make that fun.

And if you don't have a good time at it then like we're probably not a match but you know what even that is like well yeah you didn't have fun it was the worst your worst idea imaginable now let's go on a normal date you know you basically have a built-in second shot uh i keep it pretty straight down the middle man i don't think i've uh i don't think hiking has i don't know it sucks but i wouldn't call it a weird day i think it's a pretty common yeah i bet you there's plenty of people do that i feel like any date where you're gonna potentially get sweaty and hot and out of breath and i don't know not for me clearly not for me

i my ideal date is fucking sitting at home watching tv like netflix so if we can even cut past the the dinner and restaurants and bars, that'd be great. Yeah. First date at my apartment, sitting on the couch in pajamas. Let's just cut to the fucking chase. My ideal first date is 10 years into a relationship. Yes. We don't have sex anymore.

We just watch TV. My ideal first date, we sit on the couch together. We order food. You scratch my head and we go to bed without having sex. Yes. Yes. Sign me up. Last Voicemail of the Day is brought to you by 3Chi.

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sleeplessness, your restlessness, your pain and just enjoy the date where you don't even have sex at the end of it. 3Chi.com promo code radio. Let's go. Last one. Hi KFC Fights. All the talk about pissing in fans and shoes and stuff

and RAs being involved made me want to call because I'm kind of an RA, except instead of managing kids, I manage the front desk of the dorm. And one of the kids that does not wear shoes to work, like it is a public front desk, does not wear shoes. It's honestly kind of filthy back there. I inherited it in a filthy state when college was shut down and everyone just had to leave quickly. But it's disgusting back there, and he doesn't wear shoes.

So help me out. Tell me how to tell him to wear shoes. Thanks, guys. Bye. Who's not wearing shoes? I think you just say you wear your fucking shoes. Yeah. help me out tell me how to tell him to wear shoes thanks guys bye who's not wearing shoes? I think you just say you wear your fucking shoes yeah I think there's

who's not wearing the shoes though? a co-worker yeah like I mean that is just like I think that if you the more you do it like the fuck are your shoes?

the better I think if you like you sit them down like we have to have a talk you have to wear your shoes but I think you could be like what the fuck are your shoes? The better. I think if you sit them down, we have to have a talk, you have to wear your shoes. But I think you could be like, why the fuck are you, why you got your dogs out? You do it in a somewhat funny way, but you could call them the fuck out.

I would also, I would just start littering. Set thumbtacks all over the place. Yeah, I would just have toys and fucking sharp objects all over the place. Just litter the ground with Legos. He'll people putting on fucking army boots in a minute.

Without question. Post haste. People will be really I'd have a fucking look it's a holiday season right? You probably got holiday decorations.

Kevin McAllister I was going to say leave the fucking thumbtack. You know what you do? As soon as you walk in the door you have tar.

And then they step on it they got to take everything off. You have the fucking the nails everywhere. Hot coals around the office all over the place. Just set his fucking head on fire with a blowtorch and say, if you don't stop fucking going barefoot, there's more where this came from.

Have you ever seen a hostel? Cut his Achilles heel. Can't walk around the office barefoot when you can't walk. Yeah, cut both Achilles heels, and then he'll have to be in a walking boot. A medically induced boot. For quite some time, I imagine. Just chop his feet off. Can't even wear shoes because you're footless.

Torture them to death. All right, interview time. We got Tom Middleditch. Finally, after establishing our love with Ben Schwartz, we've got his other partner, Tom Middleditch, who's from Silicon Valley. He's from Middleditch and Schwartz. He is the fucking man. Great interview with him. It's brought to you by The Zebra.

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bundle it all together and keep as much money in your pocket while staying safe and covered. That's the zebra.com slash KFC. What a fucking setup you got here, man. Where, where is this? Is this LA?

Is this the West coast? You have no idea. My setup, man. Where is this? Is this LA? Is this the West Coast? You have no idea my setup, man. Yeah, it's LA. I have the setup of a century, man. I'm on Twitch now. I'm streaming games. You look, I mean, you got some serious headphones on too. Yeah, man.

It's my attempt at being the next 38-year-old Dr. Disrespect. Yeah, let's go. Oh, wow. You really do have that Dr. Disrespect. That black and red motif. There's a green screen under there that folds out. I got lights. I got joysticks. One of those trophies.

That set, that there, I played I played Halo player of all time. Did you make that yourself? No, I played Conan O'Brien in a Halo match and won, but he's not very good. You think this is a drawer, a dresser thing? You're wrong.

That's the computer in there. Oh, you got like servers and shit. I don't know what a server is, but I would call it the servers. That was it. Custom built. Do you have a stupid pair of sunglasses that you wear? I feel like that's... but I would call it the servers. Yeah. Custom built. That is, and do you have a stupid pair of sunglasses that you wear? I feel like that's a mullet wig.

Yeah. How about that? What is that? Like an elliptical in the back there that you never use? No, I'm, I'm on that. And then upstairs they got like a,

you know, chin up bar. I just ordered that, that like, um, a fight camp. They sponsored us. You some throwing some bows throwing some hands well yeah i uh was it last yeah last year for like a whole year i took boxing lessons because

i'd never i've never been in a fight i've never thrown a punch so i was like i should probably learn how to throw i thought that yeah i don't know what the crazier move is to start the video games at 38 or to start the boxing. Either way, I'm making some changes and it's all for the better. I do feel like there's something, um, like I don't plan on, you know, getting any street fights anytime soon, but I would like to know that I can throw like a competent punch. That would be nice. You know,

what ended up when it ended up happening is I, I, I still have no intention of being ever in a street fight and any type of fight. I don't want it. I know for a fact that I will avoid fighting. Basically. I'll suck a guy's dick. I'll suck. It's not happening. Easy, easy sell. Um um but uh uh i it ended up being it's pretty fun like it's pretty fun to like do combos on the on the bag and stuff so yeah how about are you good at foosball

i'd imagine if you got one sitting there in the living room it's probably that's some set right i'm not bad my pipe or no well you know what uh well a tech company in austin i guess custom made they like bought one and then put whatever layer on it i don't know you cut it out a sticker and uh yeah they gave they they gave they gave that to the creator who gave it to me but i uh but i'm not i'm not pro i i mean i have some friends who are very very good and they come over and i'm just like oh i think foosball is a thing that's like the discre the disparity between good and bad like i never grew up with it i never played it so when i get on it i'm like it's like a foreign thing to me i'm like slowly turning it and there's guys whipping it and moving i am the worst at it because i never had it oh yeah

bubble hockey i used to rock yeah Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Canadian response there. Hell yeah. Oh, man, I was looking at, and I still might do it because I finally got myself like an arcade cam in it, but it's like very, it looks very nice. It looks very like a piece of furniture stuff. But anyway, besides the point. But I've been eyeing like really premium with the

bubble and the sound rod hockey tables you know because i had like a cheap old one growing up fucking i loved it but the nice ones yeah the ones that you'd find at a bar and you're like oh my god it's a dollar a play hello hello we had one that was it was was the, uh, the Soviet versus USA, 1980. It would be like, welcome to Lake Placid. This is going to get jacked up every morning. Yeah. And it like shoots the puck up like to start or drops it down. Yeah. Let's go back to this. You had, you have like a arcade game that's disguised as like a nice wooden.

I'm going to, I'm'm gonna show you the dude okay his name he's a swedish guy love halton because on top of it you've got this spiral staircase which is the most a spiral staircase is the most pretentious thing in the world no way yeah you have that in your house in like a good way it's like oh yeah i put it in i put it in chat yeah the spiral staircase is is the thing i didn't put it. I didn't do that, but I, when I was buying this puzzle, I was like, Oh, that's, that's cool. So it looks like this. Oh wow. So yeah. Love, love Holton. He's like a, he's a Swedish sort of, I guess like functional furniture designer guy.

He does a lot of like retro arcade or sound stuff. Yeah. This guy's an artist for sure. Yeah. And so I commissioned him to do like a a an arcade cabinet hangs on the wall looks it looks very cool so this we were kind of wondering coming into the interview if um if you were going to talk about video games and sucking dick and yes no no so far on brand that's about as normal as it gets for us but whether or not um whether or not Pied Piper uh Silicon Valley was like a role like are you know is that just an actor's role or is that kind of part of your personality to be you know quote-unquote nerdy or whatever when it comes to

computer games computers and video games and all that kind of stuff or is that you know kind of who you really are I mean I do like all that stuff i think it manifests itself a little differently like a just like who who i am i guess uh i'm i'm hopefully not as like as how richard was but definitely not we were also saying you seem to be kind of like swaggy i was gonna say like you have a lot more it's like if you if that wasn't your breakout role it would be like it wouldn't be as jarring. But between watching Middle Ditch and Swords and your outfits on that and your Instagram, it's like, oh, no, Thomas has swag. He's a fucking – he's not that character at all,

which isn't an insane thing to say. Of course, we understand that you're not that character, but I feel like everyone kind of gets associated with their first program. Yeah, of course. But it was acting! But I do like all that stuff. I mean, look, I roll bones in the Dungeons & Dragons. You know, I play games.

You know, it's all on the brain. Have you gotten to play to the Joe Manganiello game? No. Oh, well, then you ain't shit. Do you want me to put in a word for you? Yeah, we're going to talk to him in about a week. We'll let him, you know to put in a word for you yeah we could we're gonna talk to him about a week we'll let him you know put in a good word yeah yeah well you know we'll yeah yeah yeah sure sure no it's like i just it you know the main thing is like i had just

finished this like i've finished two long campaigns of this stuff and it's a big big require it's a time commitment which i love to do but now i'm sort of like okay let me just recharge my batteries on you know pretending that i'm a fucking half elf bard for a minute that i can come so i can come into the next session you know ready to go yeah it's very funny to think like you're you're going through these campaigns where you're casting spells and killing people. And then in real life, you're like, I'll just suck your dick, man. Yeah, that's why it's called fantasy, my friend.

When Middle Ditch and Schwartz dropped, I mean, we've had Ben on several times now. And I mean, talk about sucking dick. We pretty much blow Ben and you through him. We blow your dick. Oh oh now that's a dream if i'm behind ben connected to him and you're sucking you're sucking my dick through ben come on come on that's basically what we do every time that's deep love i can't overstate it though i think it's like the funniest fucking thing i've ever seen the most brilliant blah blah blah every adjective under the sun and i think it's because you know we we're not really used to it in our generation and we don't see much of it but what you guys

do out there is fucking astounding i don't know how you do it i appreciate that thank you very much well he and i go ahead i was gonna say when first had Ben on, the first time we ever had him on, he was promoting Sonic. And I believe he's getting... He got an Oscar nom for? Did he? I think... I think Sonic...

The movie did. Yeah, I think he did too. Oh, he did. I think he must have a great role. I'm like a voice... No, I think you're right. No. I could be wrong.

No. I'm not 100% right, but I'm pretty sure Ben got nominated. I'm pretty sure Jim Carrey did too. Like four movies came out this year, guys. I think him and Jim Carrey did. What's the category? Because now I've got to look. I can't believe I haven't congratulated.

I don't even know. I can't believe. I don't know, and I haven't congratulated him. That shows how up my own ass I am. Let's see. I mean, I am not seeing anything here. Well, he looks this up. I will continue what I was saying.

We were talking about, you know, that was pre-pandemic, and he was talking about how he had this long-form improv coming out, and we were both saying, like, oh, I'd never seen improv not once in my life. And he was like can you do me a favor can you hold on and watch this first and then go see and then i want you to come see because you guys are supposed to come to shows in new york he's like and then i want you to come to our show and tell me the difference like i've never met someone who

watched it first on tv and i watched it and i was so fucking. I didn't know what to go into it with. I went in with no expectations whatsoever. And it was as good as it gets. I mean, I knew in the first two seconds when you were like, you were trying to figure out how they all met in a Walmart parking lot. I was like, oh, there's Zumbler. This is fantastic stuff. Oh, I appreciate that. Thank you very much.

I mean, we've done it. We've done it. We've been doing, I've been doing improv since eighth grade. So that's like, whatever it's, I don't know, 22, three years, something. And Ben's close that he got started in college. So we've been doing it for a very long time. And for us, improv was always this thing where it was like, it's a $5 ticket or thereabouts, you know, in some theater that's like max, you know, a hundred seats or anything, not

to poo poo it, but like, it was just always relegated to that. And we felt like we were, I mean, I don't want to sound, I don't want to make this sound conceited, but it's like, you put enough time in it and you're like, I feel like I'm pretty good. You know, like, I feel like we're at like the top of the top of our respective games, let's say that we'll take it out of the realm of ego. And, and we set ourselves a goal because we initially, we initially pitched Netflix. We were like, Hey, we think we should be the ones to do an improv comedy special. And they, they kind of passed and we pitched everywhere and they all passed.

And so we were like, okay, here's the goal. We are going to tour. We're going to, we're not going to do, we're only going to do theaters. So we're only going to do big spots like Carnegie hall, Chicago theater, like fancy places to show, like, look at how many people we can bring in and it's not going to be $5 a ticket. Not because we like need the money, but because you have to show that you, that people are willing to do it. All with the hopes of like then coming back and being like, see,

like look at the papers. Yeah. And eventually, eventually we got them. And I just like, I, then coming back and being like see like look at the papers look at the numbers yes yeah and eventually eventually we got him and i just like to me that i'm very proud of that fact that we did that we it was a a personal perseverance that that ended up paying off and that rarely happens in show business really you set a goal and actually go do it it's hard the only hurdle to me is getting people to watch it and maybe getting over their fear or whatever of improv because i don't think you could watch that and not think it's funny like there's no i don't think there's a realm where it's like i i don't find that type of humor funny even it's

so specific but it's also just undeniably you know humorous do you think you could do that with uh i mean you could probably do it with anybody but if it wasn't someone on the same level as Ben or vice versa, like it's probably hard to carry someone who's maybe not as skilled as you are in that. Well, I mean, I would take it out of the realm of skill level and stuff because I've performed with a lot, with improv is so like, you like, you do a show with that person and that person. It's very communal and interchangeable. And I've had the fortune of playing with some incredibly talented, smart, funny people. It's less about how good they are and ranked in the trading cards of improv dorkery and more about just how the sensibilities match up.

I like this type of stuff and I know Ben can go there and we both kind of feed on each other. So it Like, I like this type of stuff, and I know Ben can go there, and we both kind of feed on each other. So it ends up being a particular type of humor. The two roles that I feel like you guys fall into, like, when he is about to do... Wizard. When he's about to do something particularly stupid or difficult or outlandish,

and you're like, are you sure you want to do that like you goddamn asshole like i just wanted to get through this set and now i've got to become a fucking what an alien whatever it was that you can feel that through like the performance i mean you lay it on thick at times so obviously right but it's very funny we both we both do that we wanted we you know, improv, there's the medium of improv. There's no set way of doing it. Like I'm also in a show that I've been doing it

for like 14, 15 years. That's called the Improvised Shakespeare Company. And we like do improvised Shakespeare plays. Like that's its own different thing is my point. And what we kind of stumbled into. Like not comedy or? No, it's comedy, but like we're doing it in the language of Shakespeare um but that is to say like um we Ben and I sort of stumbled into like what the essence of the show is it wasn't like a predetermined determined thing

and what the now in hindsight it's kind of like we want it to feel like there's this some kind of story or some kind of world that you can sink your teeth into. But it's also it's a bit loose, you know, like stay loose, baby. But it's like we will we're OK with breaking the fourth wall. We're OK with just taking a moment and being like, OK, let's work through the logic of it, which doesn't you know, that's not what improv is that's just like how we execute it just because we want it to sort of we've been to so many improv shows where it sort of feels like you need your degree in improv in order to understand everything that's going on like ah that's a sweep edit ah he's using the freeze technique and you know we just wanted to sort of feel almost like a vaudeville kind of comedy show where it's like you're just making up on the spot.

All you need, the only thing you need, and I can say this as a basic viewer, a good callback. Whether it's a stand-up comedy set or whatever, when you call it back, I mean, when you guys remembered the name Nigel, I think it was, like, Nigel, right? Yeah, he's there as well, Yeah. That's all it takes. You know, that's the only thing that you need to know. My vision for it, like what I expected going into it was like that, like what you were saying, where you're like, you need like your, your degree in it. And like just doing the thing, like just acknowledging like, wait,

we're the lost. Who are you? Who am I? When you guys were taking shifts in i believe you were laguardia oh yeah we're like new york yeah don't do hockey yeah don't do hockey yeah well that's like um i i think for anyone i i think for netflix they look at um not only how it does domestically but internationally and that will always you know improv comedy is always tough to like get across borders and especially when you're doing stuff like improv you know like which is it's it's esoteric and like a lot of countries that like in their various respective comedy scenes like don't even they don't have it or

it's some kind of weird version like like generation one version of it um i would say for that or even if anyone's listening i haven't and hasn't seen it i think the biggest hurdle is sitting through that first what at least seven ten minutes of like introducing the show of like and then like interviewing someone and like understanding that we're going to take portions of that interview and use it as a show like i feel you know it's always about like do they watch the first 20 minutes and do they like stick through it that's those are the numbers and i think you just have to know like that all of that is the feeding of the show that will that will pay off later on so if anyone hasn't watched it not that you have to sit through i don't think it's a slog i think it's fun not at all but you know it's like it may be like wait this isn't this isn't dane cook what what am i watching here you know it's

like just just give it some time you know yeah yeah you gotta just like trust it because when i first saw it they were like 55 minutes i was like no fucking way so you go from yeah yeah breakout hit with uh you keep calling a pie piper with silicon valley and then you do the netflix special and now we're getting into like the network comedy game with be positive yeah is that hit with uh you keep calling a pie piper with silicon valley and then you do the netflix special and now we're getting into like the network comedy game with be positive yeah is that i mean that's got to be a pretty drastic change no it's a different game that's for sure i mean as someone who's done years and years of like alternative comedy and like the literally basements of grocery stores and stuff like that this type of kind of multi-cam family

friendly stuff is like is a different world but i'm happy to take on the challenge and for most of america they if they don't have hbo which most americans don't they just know me as the verizon guy basically or that dude or that dude from godzilla you know it's like okay and now and now you know so now i get to weird to think that like, yeah, if you don't have streaming, I guess I take it for granted that like, everybody has these things, but if not, you know, there are people who just don't know you yet. Yeah. I think it's a fucking, you know,

well-established megastar and there are people who can't define you, you know, but you know, this is an opportunity for me. And this is how I look at an opportunity to entertain even a grander section of the population. So I'm eager to do it. It's a different muscle. It's a different style of comedy. You end up kind of like performing it like a play. Like there's literally, there's no fourth wall, there's cameras. And you're like, you kind of like you're standing three quarters.

So the camera can see you. It's weird, but you know, it's, it's fun. And the shows, you know, these shows, especially when you have Chuck lorry behind it you hope to have time in it like you don't you're not nervous that like the first few episodes have got to be absolutely killer but i actually i'm really pleased with the show and i think it's finding its legs really quickly so i'm i'm happy with it um i gotta ask about doing the shows in the supermarket basement real quick you can't just graze over that oh that's actually in new york the the ucb chelsea um was in the like it was underneath a gristini's that's okay and it's not a lot worse when you say

a supermarket actually it was usb oh no but like i I've done, I mean, one of the weirdest, I was talking about this recently, like one of the weirder shows I was in Chicago. I was for years and years. I did this. I was part of this troupe called baby wants candy. It was like musical improv. Like we take a title of a, what, what crazy musical you want to see. And we'd sing. Yeah. It was like, so it was a lot, a lot of energy. And for some reasons, I think the daughter or the granddaughter of this old lady saw us, was an improv nerd and wanted to hire us as like a private show for her grandma. So we came up to this like fancy penthouse in downtown Chicago. We got up to this penthouse and there's like eight people there.

And it's, we're going to do a baby. It's like a full 45 minute musical in this living room for this like 80 year old woman who does not care, does not know what improv is. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. And it's like, it's so, that living room is so cluttered with like trinkets and baubles from around the world. And like desperately not trying to go blue and talk about like i want to give up none of that it's it's uh it was a that was a weird one you know so i've done all kinds

of all of i imagine that's happening not regularly but multiple times is there ever a time you're just like no i'm just not doing it i don't care what the paycheck is uh oh i mean nowadays i pass on most shit but like in those early days i don't know i mean i had a show i had a show actually with with tj back in the day back in um uh in chicago where we would as a two-person show one night we outnumbered the audience and we did it we did it anyway we like literally got on stage we asked the guys like do you want to see this or no he's like yeah okay wait a minute so what are the circumstances there like where was that where like that was that that was an improv olympic or i guess io chicago is called

now and one dude shows up you're like fuck it let's go yeah yeah and we had it was like a pretty fun show we had like sketch it was like it wasn't just us we had sketch comedy stand up it was like a whole variety show and then i could i don't i don't know who that's more awkward for you guys or him i don't like if someone's like hey listen to listen to this song. And I had to sit there and do a three-minute song, let alone a 45-minute show. There's nothing worse, to piggyback on what you said, there's nothing worse than someone's like, oh, guitar, you play? And then they take it and they look at you in the fucking eyes and noodle away and play some fucking song. I want to die every time that happens. Don't play me a song. the song feels like it's 11

hours long you know and it's just too intimate and it's like i don't want you to do that i don't even know where to look while you're doing this fingers on the strings just so i don't have to make eye contact right you know this one you know this one the worst man uh but it'd be positive there is you know you are a father in need of a kidney you run into your train wreck of a high school friend and is that something you could find yourself in in real life a situation like would you be down for trading organs with people i think it all i think it depends i think what's what makes it depends on who it is basically what makes you give a kid oh i don't know what makes gina the character gina so special is because she's such a kind of a whirlwind train wreck of a person and

she but you know she's got a heart of gold gold. And she just offers her organ up to someone that she kind of just barely knows from high school. That, to me, sounds like a long shot on my level of generosity. But obviously, good family and friends, that's a no-brainer. See, I think I'm on a Gina. I think the only reason I have all my organs inside me is because no one's asked for any. Also, nobody wants yours, bro. I don't want them. But, like, if Thomas right now is like, actually, it's a pretty true story. I actually could use a kidney. have all my organs inside me is because no one's asked for any oh also nobody wants yours bro i don't want them but like if thomas right now is like actually it's a pretty true story i actually

could use a kidney i would probably like i'd give i'd give a kidney to a famous guy in a heartbeat like i'd be like you can get you can have the kidney but i need like a heartfelt instagram post yeah yeah the cloud will look at the hangout like once a month like kidney Kidney Brothers. I mean, if I'm gone, you can take anything. I've put the little tick on the driver's license. Get it all out of there. Everything must go. A garage sale. You can have the eyeballs.

What do you need? Skin? It's yours. My friend got burns on his face once from a particularly severe outdoor fire mishap, and they literally put cadaver burns on his face once from a particularly uh severe uh outdoor fire mishap and they literally put cadaver skin on his face he became fucking buffalo bill for a minute because apparently cadaver skin helps heal your skin it's such a that's such a weird premise you put dead people's skin on your skin and it heals the burn so he had a face on his face and he's like awake for it it's not

like they did it when he was sleeping he's just like yep i got skin on my skin and then imagine like do you get when you itch when you scratch someone else's skin i mean i'm not even touching it at that point i don't want to look in the mirror oh maybe i'll look at the mirror i'd rather be just like yeah i'm a horribly misfigured person than have someone else's skin on my skin i had a buddy right so actually it's a friend of a friend and it was down in el salvador and this kid when he was probably like 13 or something like that he lit off fireworks in his hand and he passed out on the beach and he blew off two fingers i think it was oh and when he woke up like the next day in the hospital bed his his groin hurt a lot because they had taken skin grafts from inside of his legs to to cover up the exploded hands and he was he was tied down so he couldn't like

scratch in his sleep and stuff and he didn't remember any of the incidents so he's like dad dad what what happened what happened why is my dick hurt he says you blew it off and he let him think it for two days and he blew his dick off that's mean but you know what it's two things number one it's going to teach you a lesson and number two when you find out it's just your fingers you're gonna be like hey oh my god crazy yikes yikes uh so uh we're gonna play a little a little game with you called answer the internet it's our uh it's more hypothetical questions basically of the sort we just hit you with these are callers from the years we've done the podcast and just some of the deepest darkest hypotheticals of the internet right uh let's do it tom middle ditch answers the internet okay what's your closest near-death experience um oh i think maybe uh so i i'm i've i fly now and i fly little propeller

planes and one you're the pilot yes sir yeah i saw that you had that you had the oxygen even like hooked up to your face yeah man i get up there i get up in the teens the altitude of the teens i don't you're not supposed to do that are you yes you can of course you can just as long as you have oxygen if you have an unpressured yes i have oxygen don't worry don't worry don't worry i'm a very you're like a half an astronaut dude yes basically yes yes uh but uh you know every every pilots no matter how good you are you've got a story where oh boy that was a close one and there was a particular i was landing in a monument valley in arizona and at this tiny little private airstrip and there's just a lot of wind and a phenomenon called wind shear where there's just a tremendous amount of downforce of wind uh and i was lined up to the runway and

there was so much crosswind i was i was kind of getting blown off course and so i thought oh i'll just i'll abort i'll get out of here and maybe try this again or land it somewhere else and so i full throttle i put the gear back up and then i get into the wind shear and the wind is just pushing me down. I cannot gain altitude. And so basically I'm now away from the runway. I'm trying to get out from under the wind shear and I'm getting like down to like maybe a hundred feet off the ground. This is just the desert ground. And I have these just incremental adjustable flaps, you know, landing flaps. And I'm like, here we go. The stall horn horn's going and i'm just like riding the flaps just incrementally trying to trade trying to manage the trade-off between lift and speed and not stall and go into the ground so that that was a little

scary i did get out of it obviously getting out of it what what like what did you end up getting to take off or you yeah eventually i got out of the wind shear and managed to uh climb out again and then i was like i'm not trying that one again and then i i landed at page arizona had a lovely weekend in pager i don't think i would fly again after that that that'd be like all right i did this cool pilot thing i you know i got my rock oh man look when i landed i was very happy uh to have made it out there. But honestly, I was like, that's a great learning experience. I wish I'd have known that lesson without that danger. But like now I definitely won't do that again.

Now I'm going to be much more aware of wind shear. When did you get into piloting? Pilotry. What'd you say? Pilotry. Well, I first wanted to become a pilotist when, uh, I think, I think when I, when I was like in my late teens, I got into like military history and learning about like the, the, the various wars and stuff.

Basically, as soon as I saw thin red line and saving private Ryan, I was like, wait, what's this world war huh and uh and then just through that you know fighter pilot memoirs and a lot of flight simulators i mean like i mean you saw you see this uh oh shoot let me get my uh that thing that i'm pointing at is like a big fancy flight stick for all my like flight simulators and stuff and then eventually you know i got the the, the, the, the money and the time to kind of pursue it. And then it became, I feel like once I saw Bill Burr flying helicopters, I'm like, all right, this is what rich people do. What else can we do? Let's fly shit.

There are different, there are different like financial levels of entry for sure. The thing about aviation is you could buy a plane for about 50 grand or you could buy a plane for $10 million. it just totally depends on where you're at um if you were kidnapped what tv cast would you want to come save you not silicon valley no um i think i would probably want uh harrison ford and mark hamill dressed as stormtroopers. There you go. They got it done. Yeah, they got the job done.

And then I could say, aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? What? All right. Say you're put in charge of running heck. Heck is the level of the afterlife

that is not bad enough for people who deserve to go to hell. What is a punishment in heck? Oh my God. Something just horribly like inconvenient, something that's a day ruiner, but not a eternity ruiner. Oh, well.

First, first they're going to have to get a nice 20-minute long bounce on Grandpa Tucker's knee, and he's pretty handsy. And he hasn't eaten in a while so he's got hunger breath um not molested just you know just unwantedly touched it's just a little bit extra and uh then i don't know you're gonna have then you're gonna have to sign up on other people's behalf to like multiple online forums and just like fill out the things and figure out the fucking captures. Honestly,

any, any eternity of like click every box that has a fucking traffic light in it just over and over and over again. That would be mine. Yeah. And you're like, well, what's the,

what constitutes the light? Is it the pole or just the light itself? Cause I've gotten it wrong. Apparently that little corner, does that count? Is that the pole or just the light itself? Because I've gotten it wrong, apparently. That little corner, does that count? Is that in it? Is it out of it? I don't fucking know. And then when it's like, type the numbers and letters

you see and you're like, I don't know, that's a fucking A split seven different ways. What the fuck is that? I remember as a kid, when your dad would be like, you don't have anything to be sad about. I'll give you something to be sad about. That's how I think of children now. I'm like, you couldn't possibly have anxiety.

You've never had to do a recapture thing. Like you never had to decide what's got sidewalks and what doesn't. Until then, you have an experience like that. Life is an easy breezy for you, kid. Captchas, more like gotchas. Am I right? Jesus Christ. If you could be the patron saint of something what would it be

uh not in a fantasy in your real life like what is what is thomas middle ditch what what makes him what is he great at oh the patron saint the patron saint of improv? I mean, you kind of are probably. You two are probably, as far as the public's concerned, the two best improv artists on the planet. Okay. Well, I would say maybe the patron saint of whining to be confident, to give everybody I meet a handshake or some kind of physical affection, but then just sort of keep my hands in my pockets going like, Hey, incredibly precise,

specific. And I love it. Maybe the main should say to that. Perfect, man. I love it too. All right. Well, thank you so much for the time. Thank you for all the entertainment over the years. We're looking forward to many more be positive. Is that uh when is it cbs thursdays 8 30 yeah check out be positive yeah right after young sheldon it's it's a real lineup it's a real lineup cbs and then uh if you're if you're bored or if you're kind of like oh man uh for some reason you need more

more middle ditch obviously ben and i can't go on stage and tour and stuff but i'm trying to stay sharp with performing and basically a ton of video games on twitch it's twitch.tv front slash middle ditch awesome so that's the only way and during a pandemic i can perform live comedy yeah i love it though i'll be tuning in man thanks so much really appreciate it thank you guys all right thanks to tom Man, those guys are like they are like such a new age. Cool. You know? Yeah.

Like if they came up in a different time, who knows? I don't know if their sense of humor or their look or certainly stand improv comedy would get like the respect it gets. But right now is the perfect time. I mean, they were the guys on the on the cover of Beta Boys, right? Yeah. The rise of the Beta Boys and not bad. But the other guys from Silicon Valley. So, I mean, what a time guys on the cover of Beta Boys, right? Yeah. The rise of the Beta Boys. And not Ben, but the other guys from Silicon Valley. So, I mean, what a time for them to be alive.

But it's also like they're the ones leading the charge. They're making it happen. So it's more like thank you to them because guys like us can thrive because of them. But really funny shit. At the end of the day, that's how you know humor trumps all. Because those guys are fucking killing the game. Yes. So now we got another funny guy. You know what was crazy, though?

And I never really realized it until he said it, obviously, that, like, most of the country thinks of him as the Verizon guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. Like, you're right.

You're spot on. Like, most of the country doesn't watch HBO or have Netflix. I don't know what the Netflix numbers are right now. God, people are still so poor, huh? Fucking bro-boys out here. Oh, by the way, by the fucking way, those goddamn assholes were at it again on Saturday night. I got a Reddit stream. Those streaming motherfuckers.

Bro, I don't care. My biggest enemies on the planet are streamers. Yeah. People who fucking torrent or whatever, and you think you're the smartest person to ever live because you've heard of streaming. Bitch, I can just afford $50. It's easy.

I don't have to keep checking different streams. Oh, this one went down. I got to refresh. This one's lagging. This one sucks. No, I just get you. Here's $49.95. What a fucking show I want to watch.

Sorry for being fucking not even rich. Gainfully employed. Yeah. Sorry for having a job. And, like, they're always so condescending. Like, imagine paying for something in 2020. Like, yeah, I fucking pay for things that I want to watch. Yeah.

I have no problem doing that. Amen. I wanted to watch the fight. I bought the fight. It's just way easier than having to do like three hours of like in one world is it like cool to be like imagine me like imagine paying for food i just steal mine from the restaurant it's like yeah you're a fucking scumbag you know it's like huh you pay for popcorn i just like smuggle it in with my kids like yeah

you're a piece of shit dude right and you're a grimy scumbag. It's not even like the scumbag aspect of it that I'm ashamed of or refuse to participate in. It's just the fact that like it's it's more of an effort for me. Yeah. It's what I've always thought about with Bernie Madoff. Like Bernie Madoff is so fucking smart. If he just put his time to. If you just did honest work like you probably maybe got quite as much.

He would have like several million instead of like tens of millions. But like you wouldn't be in fucking jail like it's probably easier just to fucking just do it definitely 100 like oh i'm gonna use your powers for good all right next interviews with steve fury who is a fucking hilarious dude uh on tour with burke kreischer right now and he is he is gonna fit in with the kfFC radio crowd like a glove. I told him, like, come back whenever you want because you are right up our alley. Just a funny, like, booze bag, like, regular-ass dude who's just got jokes ready on deck. So Steve Fury is brought to you by Miller Lite. If there's one guy you want to kick back and throw back some cold Miller Lites with, it's a guy like Steve.

Yeah. He seems like good Miller light company. Like, like there's certain people you want to share a Miller light with. And he is one of them. The type of guy who was like, going to make you laugh or give you a good story or give you some good advice,

or, you know, you can shoot the shit with sports, like whatever it is like this whole conversation we had with him is like the perfect conversation to crack open a few cold beers and enjoy yourself hanging out with like a funny dude. And that's really what Miller lights all about. Great taste, less filling. The drinkable beer that makes

you relax. I feel like you hear that and you just know you're about to have a good time with friends, whether you're indoors, outdoors, socially distanced, over Zoom, whatever it may be. In Steve's case, you'll find out maybe it's floating down a river on an aerobat.

In any situation. I like people, like friends that get on it, like, smell like a river? Yeah. This bed's been on a river. This is my river bed. Yeah, so no matter what the scenario is with a guy like Steve, you're going to want to have some Miller Lights.

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several deliveries to get you through the season. It's tis the season for Miller Light. Tis Miller time, my friend. Go to Millererlight.com get them delivered to your house enjoy it the holiday season and enjoy this interview with steve what's going on chilling man how you doing i'm all right dude it's a scoop nothing little early for me had a shower beer before i got in here try and wake up

all right what time is it by you right now? Almost 10. That's pretty. That's early in my book. I basically get mad when we get anything booked before 1pm. I agree. 100%. There's nothing that should be done before then other than sleeping longer than you should. It's a pandemic.

We can just do this later. Why do I have to do this later? Let's do 1 a.m. Let's get drunk, do this at 1 a.m., start saying some shit, we'll forget. You should start doing that, 1 a.m. interviews. If we get anything from the pandemic,

and we're going to get a lot of stuff, like less people, but if we keep anything you know how like your grandmother used to like keep the bread in the fridge or whatever some depression or shit like we just don't do things before noon anymore it's not necessary it's unnecessary yeah clothes and scheduling oh yeah fucking window nobody gives a shit yeah pants pants are done never again underwear it's up in the air we haven't't decided yet. My hair smells a little weird. Underwear. Speaking of underwear,

I recently moved in with my girlfriend and I have just been running through underwear. More so than usual? I notice myself throwing away a lot of underwear because she does the laundry and I'm like, I can't have her. I had a pair

of Lululemon pump pants I threw away yesterday that just had a run right down my ass crack. I bet you're still... Yeah, like in your... How a hooker would have it in a movie. And it was just right down my ass. And it's been there for...

But you venture to say you know what pair of boxers they are? They're the boxers I got at the wedding. Oh my god! I had a wedding where I was the best man and the groom, his

sister, was in a wheelchair and I bent down to help pick her up into the house and I just ripped the shit out of my pants and i had white underwear on and i was like to the other groomsman i was like yo someone's gotta give me underwear because like i can't you can clearly see with this and then i got a pair like a navy blue that actually ended up blending in but i've had that for years did you switch underwear

with someone yeah yeah and someone later brought up the idea of going to switch pants. So now I'm throwing away all those pairs of underwear. I shit in a pair a little bit. Oh no. Just threw those ones right away. Yeah, but those are things that you would be comfortable with. But it's just like, I can't subject her to that just running out of underwear is costing me a fortune with the girl i mean to throw out a pair of lulus you're still

probably paying those off right now yeah it's like 40 underwear dude i've got a pair i we have a bunch of underwear sponsors over the years and when they send us pairs, I'm a large in almost anything except for my boxers where I got fucking fat asses stuff in there. So I'm an XL. But I got all these nice pairs from these nice companies that just don't fit me. Send them this way, bud. I know. You can have my hand-me-down underwear. But I put them on because they're made of a nice material and they look nice.

I'm like, these are good underwear, but my dick is just smushed in there and it's tight and all. And then, you know, tight underwear ruin your day. Your whole fucking day is ruined. Your underwear is off. I feel like underwear companies are like changing up the dick hole now too. Have you seen that? It's coming in different angles.

I don't know how to get it out now. I don't even need a dick hole anyway. I've been just doing the slit right across the top. There's no snake anymore. Just boom, boom, in and out the good one that's the good one they finally got it it took thousands of years but we finally got underwear down dude do you know what i always think about and maybe this is because i'm weird or is this a more common belief when i'm at the urinal and i'm trying to i'm deciding which way i'm going through

if it takes you longer to get your dick out, am I going to go all the way down and pull it up top? Oh, okay. If it takes you longer to get your dick out, will people think it's bigger? Or if you do it quick, will people think it's bigger? Oh, wow. That's why you got to drop a quarter in the water, so it sounds like it just plopped in.

Kaplunk. No, I feel like the longer, if I had a big dick in there i would imagine i have to use my imagination here that it would be like more to maneuver yeah you gotta like surreptitiously take that yeah i stumbled on surreptitiously there which obviously but i roll mine like i got like a garden hose thing in my pants but i just try and bring it up it's very nice you know put it away yeah yo what is this a thousand gallon club you're rocking um this is just to represent all the beer i've been drinking in quarantine uh been looking for i did that you ever as i don't know if you guys have you lost your mind enough to where you shaved your head yeah so then i started investing heavily in hats since then and uh came up with this

i'm 31 yeah see i think you're crazy shaving your head at that point because i'm just afraid it won't come back yeah it was just you know like day 15 in my room people just like guys pulled the trigger on that so quickly like it was not even time to miss one haircut they're like fuck it take it off i mean no sense the worst is when it's like a beard trimmer and i just keep going up and i'm going and it just goes through like this and i have like a peter gabriel thing down the middle uh so so it's been uh beer's been the the drink of choice for quarantine yeah plumped up pretty fat i gained them probably 25 pounds in the beginning and now i've i'm just intermediate fasting i'm jumped in on that one it's okay it's okay 20 25 is is no joke 25 a lot

of pounds how How quick? Honestly, well, it also went out. I do stand-up for a living, and I went on tour with this guy. You guys know Burt Kreischer? Yeah, we've heard of him. You fucking asshole. He's on the episode that's out today. Oh, okay, yeah.

I go on tour with Burt. I open with him. And I gained 18 pounds. So over since the beginning, I've gained 25 pounds. I've lost them now. But in two weeks, I gained 18 pounds. So over since the beginning, I've gained 25 pounds. I've lost them now. But in two weeks, I gained 18 pounds with that man. It's just tall boy IPAs, cases of White Castle at like 3 a.m., and then farting for two days. I mean, that tour bus has got to be an absolute catastrophe, right?

It's like if you had a camp cabin you know you went to camp and you had a cabin and there's no supervisors there's a smoker always going and people are sending us beef jerky and beer so it gets right it gets right i mean i feel like he's got a pick like yeah you got to be a funny dude obviously to go on stage with him but you also got to mesh lifestyle wise right i mean he can't get some like some fucking foo-foo like hipster brooklyn uh you know comedian who's gonna ride across the country with him yeah i literally think half the reason i got picked they're like who can handle their cells with liquor and eat as much barbecue as us and they're

like we know a guy we'll call him in the recruits. I came flying in and the fucking interview blacked out. In a previous life before I did this blogging shit and I was an accountant, I was terrible at it, but I never got laid off. There were rounds and rounds and rounds of layoffs. And it was all just because the partner there had an Irish last name and liked to drink, and I would always just drink with him. And I think that's the only reason why I never got fired, because it was not the work that I was doing.

Yeah. Became a friend. Between you and someone else, he's like, I'm going to go meet that guy Murphys later. So why don't we just take him? That's exactly what it was. He has rosy cheeks and we just like to put him away. He was like, yep, you're sticking around. I mean, that is literally all of lifestyle. We have a guy

here, Paul Bissonette, Biz Nasty, who swears that his NHL career was only as long as it was because he was cool in the locker people liked him he was just like hanging out with me in the locker they're like going out with me like it was he's like i had no business being on an nhl team for like 90 of my career but people like could you imagine the gm being like i guess we got to extend bissonette the guys like. What do you want to do? The guys like him.

I can't believe that goes into professional sports. Like, how high does that go? Is there, like, someone who's like, we could get rid of the Secretary of State, but he's getting some McClellans. I guarantee in the White House it's more so than in other places. I bet that's the number one spot where it's like, oh, you don't actually have to perform. We made it.

We're good for four years. Come on, bring your friends in. What happened? I didn't know what you do. I'm going to be honest. I don't know what the Secretary of State does. But you have the liquor cabinet, and let's party, brother. So are you a part of the drive-in tour with Burt and all that?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I did that. I did about I did that. I did about half of that. He just didn't stop. The whole world stopped except for Burt Kreischer. He was like, fuck it.

I don't think he missed a single show. He didn't miss a beat. So I guess that's good for so many comedians where I'm out of my paycheck now. But you guys just kept on rolling, huh? Well, he's just he's the guy who kind of came up with that stuff i think it was like edm places were like like even before the pandemic people do the edm were like shunned to drive in movie theaters in the side of town that no one went you know and there's a couple like people producing stuff that were doing

that and he was like why doesn't he do it now everyone's do it and honestly that's one of the reasons i'm not trying to like suck his dick right now on your podcast, but that's one of the things that makes me so impressed with. Yeah. That's how I got the job. I drink well and I don't have a gag reflex. And you know what I think too, is like, we talked to every comic, you know, you can think of over the past over the pandemic and i think so many of them were almost like it was a status thing to be like oh i don't do like i don't do it for cars i don't do it off the back of a truck i don't do it at the park but burt has this personality about

him that's like he doesn't give a fuck and that doesn't matter he's funny as shit and successful so as long as you're like funny who fucking cares whether you're doing it at a fancy theater or you know i mean i understand it don't get me wrong i understand like it's weird it's different and there is status to this shit but when you're someone who who like who's like burt and i'd assume everyone was on the road with him it's just like whatever i don't care let's just have a good time well it's a lot it's a lot like sports you know i mean it's like someone who before they win the nba bubble they're like i'm not gonna go work out at my high school gym, and I'm not going to go do this.

When the bubble comes back, I'm going to have a new 25 and an extra couple K in my pocket. So sit home and do your Zoom shows, Doug. I'll be crushing 4,000 people. Yeah, for real. With Bert. I couldn't sell out anything without him. And so, and how did that, like, what was your break, if you will?

I'm always interested in how, you know. My break? You know, man, I started stand-up in, I'm a California guy, kind of through and through. I started in Northern California, Sacramento, then San Francisco, came to LA. I got past at this place called the Comedy Store, where, like, all the comedians go.

And then from there, word kind of travels up. You know, it's like the, it's like the best farm team. You know what I'm saying? In sports, I always succeed at that. And then they brought me on with that. How many guys are like, Oh gee, West Coast. I mean, everybody moves out there once they like made it, but there's a lot. I mean, New York is just such a fucking, the East coast in general, but New York is so fucking miserable. Everyone's an asshole and that's where their comedy comes from.

And that's their trauma and their, you know, their, their attitude. But in California, you know, I'd imagine it's, it's a different vibe, but I guess you can still get it out there as well. I mean, I love New York. I love how you can just get so many sets in. I love how comics, I love the way they start writing jokes out there. You know, a lot of times in California, or especially in LA, people will say, find yourself instead of finding the funny, you know,

like pitch who you are, because you're going to have a sitcom one day. You don't necessarily be funny, but tell me how diverse you are or that you have, oh man, the beach just died. Tropical beach dude. I'm on an island time, so I'm sorry about that. That's great.

It's a different beach um uh yeah so uh yeah le's good you know i i don't think you should i wouldn't even want to start here because it's so hard in the beginning but you know starting in sacramento that's pretty blue collar place a lot of people say it's like new jersey almost you know and then you go to like san francisco which is they say one borough of new york and that one's a little, you know, and then you go to like San Francisco, which is, they say one borough of New York. And that one's a little more, you know, you kind of get the taste of stuff. And then once you succeed at those two places, you know, it's time to move on to a bigger, better scene.

Are you from Sacramento? Yeah. Yeah. Nine on six coming with nine inch sticks, baby. We out here. Go Kings, baby. I mean, anybody whose area code ends in six is just saying that. You can have it, America. I think it was like a trend on Twitter the other day where the Kings must have just signed someone.

Yeah, we did good finally. It was like, what do you even do with like $300 million in Sacramento? And what is the answer to that? Sacramento's pretty cool. If you live in downtown, it's pretty good. You know, I think it's like in the top 20 of biggest media markets. It's got a couple rivers, big rivers. Downtown's nice.

We got to natural elements real quick there. Yeah. From media markets to river. Real quick. You know, honestly, the funniest part is like one of the biggest things everyone says is it's an hour away from everything so like it's an hour from tahoe it's an hour from san francisco hour from santa cruz the best thing about sacramento is other places yeah yeah pretty much hey man i'm in sacramento for the night what should we do let's go down to the rivers we'll skip some stones and then we do? Let's go down to the rivers.

We'll skip some stones, and then we'll take an hour-long trip to Tahoe. Honestly, that's how my parents would describe the town I grew up in, too. They'd always be like, it's the best. 45 minutes from the beach, 45 minutes from Newport, 45 minutes from Boston. And they're like, it is nice to be that close to those things. But it's also pretty nice to be in one of those things. Just pick one and go right through but have you ever gotten blacked out floating down a river when your beers are cold in the water yeah i have done that and it is enjoyable yeah you do have me on that one when i did it uh it was kind of like we all kind of just like

floated away from each other and i was okay just drinking by myself on her on a river some guys like paired up and tied off or held on but a lot of us didn't and i was just like all right well i'm here for like a bachelor party to see my friends and for the next like hour and a half i'm just gonna be floating and drinking by myself i was okay but i'd imagine you need a more white trash friend and that's where i come in right number one two number one tubes are done inflatable beds okay you got inflatable beds they have little holes in them you can put your beers in there and everyone can hold on the side you tuck your little toe on the side and you chill there like i can upgrade your

wife's trash shit anytime you guys need just dm me so are you talking like an arrow bed or this is made for the water no i'm talking a bed talking a bed that when your cousin comes over and he sleeps on your floor and you get that bed. I like that. And the best part is when someone gets it and uses it and they're like, this smells like a river, like a river bed. Welcome to Sacramento,

baby. So you are a Kings fan? Yeah. I mean, that's just never going to happen. You know that, right? Are you, so you are a Kings fan? Yeah, died. I mean, that's just never going to happen. You know that, right? I mean, we almost had it. We were cheated out by the league.

Yeah, that is true. And that was the best one shot. And the fact that that did not happen, that was it. You had your one shot in the history of existence. And you just have to know that the Sacramento Kings will literally never be the champions of the NBA. We can get someone like Giannis Milwaukee might do it. Yeah.

I mean, you could, if you, if you get Giannis, yes. I just don't think that's happening. You're just destined. Do you know what I mean? There are certain teams that it's just like the Sacramento Kings are never

going to win the title. But that's only been the case the last 20 years. Before that, there was about four years there that were pretty good. And we hold on to those. What you're dealing with, Kevin, is Kevin just got a new owner who's awesome. And Kevin's a Mets, Knicks, Jets fan. So he doesn't usually have. I guarantee you we win a championship before the Mets, Knicks, or the Jets do.

All right. I will take you up. What do you want to bet? I'll do $100 on that one. All right. Let's go. $100 and a trip down a river. I am guaranteeing you.

I'll bring it back. I don't ever do this. But I can guarantee you I'll win a title before the – now, don't get me wrong. We might just both die before either of this happens. Yeah, mostly. That's the more possible, probable outcome. But I do not think that the Sacramento Kings can be thumping their chest

about being a title contender anytime soon. Well, we didn't say soon. There's no time on this. It's really eternal. Until the world ends, I've still got five years. For us, it's eternal, bro. For us, it's still the fucking grave man it's brutal uh what what's well this will be out after thanksgiving but it is the whole holiday season now at this point are you uh are you gonna try to kill your parents and

grandparents the way the rest of us probably are going home i'm not gonna go home me i would have to drive five six hours or fly which isn't that bad, but I'm probably just going to chill. I might go to my friend's house. There's like four or five of us. I brought like, I bought like a big prime rib, you know, like four bone prime rib. I'm going to get that out tomorrow. Defrost that, get it ready. Then cook that bad boy for everybody. I think anybody who's not taking the opportunity to like, just chill if they can do so

Is nuts This is the year man This is the year to just be like oh mom dad grandma grandpa can't make it And then people Everybody else inviting you it's like No no no I'm okay being like an orphan this holiday Like I'm just gonna chill I'm actually very excited to see

Just how like dangerous it gets Like Usually when you do the family dinners, you start drinking it one or whatever. You have a couple beers and then you start drinking it. Sip it to wine. I'm wondering how early the progression starts.

I'm going to drink whiskey first. Not even starting with the base. Straight to the top. Right. This Not even starting with the bass Straight to the top Right, right Yeah, there's no I mean, this This has This holiday season

Has the potential To just be like the greatest party ever And I think it has the potential To change the world for it Right, like why do we Because if I have a blast with my friends That's it I can see my family money

New tradition See you never. Bye mom and dad. I'm with Jeff and his girlfriend from here on out. And the best part is you can do it under this guise of like, I'm doing it for you. I don't want to risk you mom and dad. I'm going to get blacked out.

Yeah. You're a hero for, you know, blacking out and having sex with strangers. Yeah. Dude, you know what I want to, you know what I want want to see and i just thought of this right now on thanksgiving i bet thanksgiving it's going to be like ubers on new year's eve or for postmates it's like 400 for like mashed potatoes for boston market and everyone's fighting for it it's gonna be insane i might have to pick up an uber eat shift same same shit though it's like yeah i'm not gonna i'm not gonna eat turkey cause I don't want to.

I'm going to eat fucking prime rib. I'm going to have a burger. I'm going to, I don't have to play by these dumb ass rules that we've been doing for 500 years. But I like, I'm pro Thanksgiving. So am I, but I'm saying, we're also a slave to it and all these traditions and it just doesn't have to be that way anymore. What's your go-to Thanksgiving dish dog. That's been a big hubbub over here, dude. Big hubbub

regarding the status and the classification of gravy. Are we talking stuffing as a gravy or talking brown gravy? Brown gravy, because we were doing a draft, like a snake draft of all your favorite sides, and

one guy late in the draft took gravy. He was like, none of you motherfuckers are having gravy on your on your dishes that you've been picking because you didn't draft it. And we were like, that's not really a side. But then, you know, it's a sauce. But then is cranberry sauce. That's a side. And, you know, gravy, you don't eat it alone, but it is very essential to the meal so we've been back and forth the whole office is split and ready to rip each other's heads apart i feel like that's like taking mustard or something in a food draft or something well that's i mean yes but no because it's like nobody like prepares the mustard there's not like a recipe for the mustard like the importance of it

it makes it more than just a regular condiment i think think. Then it had to be like the drippings. If like your gravy has enough drippings or there's like, you ever get the kind where it's like, really? They made it from the turkey and there's chunks of turkey and stuff in it. It's almost borderlining a meal or like a stew. Then that's probably it. But then if you're just like fucking with the pack stuff, you know, like the white trash, like McCormick, that's a condiment.

That's a condiment. I'm all about the white trash though. The white trash. as you were explaining that i was like that's the kind i like yeah great yeah white trash everything it's white trash thanksgiving is a humongous white trash holiday all the best parts of the white trash the candy i'm sorry the jellied cranberry sauce yup the we were talking earlier the pumpkin pies i don't even know what an actual pumpkin pie tastes like i bet i'd hate it i don't know what it looks like. But the fucking baked pumpkin pie with a dollop of whipped cream on it? That shit I'm fucked with. Yep.

Mashed potatoes? That's where white trash excels. That's like white trash dish. That, to me, you know, you get me a good old white trash Irish family who just knows how to make mashed potatoes. Like, I'm fucking good. That's all I need. Honestly, that's all I eat, really. I put a little bit of turkey on my plate just to say that it's there.

And then the rest is just mashed potatoes. The whole fucking thing, man. You know what's funny? It's like, it's like, turkey is like if you drafted a quarterback with a star wide receiver and you didn't get that wide receiver, and that wide receiver would be gravy. Because turkey without the gravy is almost useless.

You know what I mean? Too dry. Doesn't convert on third downs who is so are you a niners fan how does that work yeah uh well being from sacramento i kind i i feel like i could kind of like the raiders and the niners because they're both in leagues but i'm definitely more of a niners guy for sure it's been a rough year for us which i think we would have been fine but we just kept getting sick and injured. I mean, three guys, three of our stars got hurt in the first week. Yeah, you're fine. Playing in,

again, white trash, you know, MetLife did no good. I mean, everybody on your team blew out your ACL plan. Yeah, we blew it. Everybody blew it. I didn't expect that game to go that way at all. That really bummed me out this year. It's almost liberating rooting for a team who's

gonna go oh and 16 is it it's like well there's just no there's no other outcome any sunday i know what's gonna happen every week now i'll do you one further and this is my first time really getting to do it it's kind of liberating just rooting for a team that's kind of bad i'm a Patriots fan. So, like, this is my first year where it's like, we're not that good. We're not going to be a playoff team. And every weekend it's just like, well, they're just not very good. But it's also –

Like, 0-16 is probably the absolute extreme of it. But, like, I don't – There's no pressure. The only thing that sucks is night games, which ended up being wrong last week. But, like, night games suck because you're like, ugh, I have to wait 12 hours to catch his ass kicking? I'd rather just knock it out at 1 p.m. And when you're on a national

scale... Oh, I don't even care about a national scale. I care about just having to wait. I don't even know why I watch anymore. I really don't. I really don't. What's the point of watching an 0-16 team? Tell me why. Oh, why should I do this? Hoping you get Trevor Lawrence? Hoping you lose so you can get Trevor Lawrence? I don don't. I really don't. What's the point of watching an 0-16 team? Tell me why. Oh, why should I do this? Hoping you get Trevor Lawrence?

Hoping you lose so you can get Trevor Lawrence? I don't know. But I can do that. That's what I'm doing. I don't need to watch four hours and, you know, every single night. Personally, I just love to watch Joe Flacco work. You know what I mean?

The way he's never had a fire in six years. There was a moment two weeks ago to start off like the first three plays Joe Flacco handed it off to Frank Gore. Like three in a row. And it was three and out. And I was like, that was my moment. I was like, why am I going to watch

Joe Flacco and Frank Gore from like 1986 play football? I know it's like, I can't even say like, oh, well, I'm getting to see the youth and the new kids. They're playing the old guys. Frank Gore, you're just going to see his balls flop. Oh, he's got the biggest fucking dick in the world. He's a special ed.

You know, he was special ed. What? Growing up, he was special ed, like to a point where they weren't even sure he was allowed to play football. And then he still did it. He was a, he was a Niner for a long time. I love the guy. Great.

Yeah. Very bad in schools and special ed classes. And then. I've heard of gum. I don't think I've ever heard of you're too dumb to play football. Like, I don't know this guy. We allowed to play with him.

Or is this going to be like a. Like they were worried if he could give his consent to get tackled. It's a dangerous game. He might not understand the risks involved. Holy shit, that's dumb. Hey, he did pretty fucking well for himself, turns out. Yeah, he was great. One of my favorite players ever. I loved him on the Niners.

I mean, he's still playing. He's like 58 years old. His dick and balls are just exposed to be beaten. Do you see that? Do you see he was I forget what game it might have been Missouri. I was watching college football the other day and it's just like running back is Frank Gore Jr. It's just his kid. He's ready. I know.

That's how you know you're fucking old. Do you see Kenny Martin's kid got drafted? Yes. And he's just Kenny Martin Jr. That is particularly tough. You said you're 31? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I had a moment many, many, many years ago at this point now.

Like the first time I started realizing that athletes were, you know, much younger than me. And now I'm having like a second round of like, oh, you should kill yourself because you're old. It's the kids coming up. It's like, oh, my God. We're into multiple generations of being like idiot fans now a little better because they're like coming out like 22 then basketball there's like there's a 17 year old french kid and i'm like what the fuck am i even watching i know i'm watching children you know yeah double this kid's age yeah i feel like

the fbi is watching me right now it's's Kenyon, 13-year-old. It's like, what am I watching anymore? All right, we're going to play a little answer to the internet with you. These are hypothetical questions from our show and from the deep, dark corners of the internet. So let's get into it. I feel like this is a good one to start you off with. Would you rather be drunk 24-7 or never be drunk again? Most people listen like, well,

I mean, I want to be drunk, but listen, we can't possibly do that. And you're like really thinking about it. Well, see, this is the thing. Are we talking like I love four beers in, Steve. That fucking no that's a place no no no no we're talking we're talking like drunk no you're not like fall down throw up drunk but you're like you know if you were to walk into the to the room we'd be like oh steve's he's drunk probably no i probably don't want that one i got some meetings sometimes i don't want to go to yeah right i mean it's just not like feasible that you can go to certain places at certain times. But never drunk again is, I mean, that sucks.

I'm going to give you a compliment, I think. I think it's the way I think about myself. Like, I feel like you wear a drunk well. Like, I don't think you can tell often when I'm drunk. I think usually I'm pretty good at it. I don't really get this. No, I will. There's a drunk you can't tell.

There is a point where the eye will die. And, like, you would just, like, there would be nothing behind my eyes. You're just staring into a well. But until that point. Into a well. But until that point, I'm good. And that point comes at, like, four o'clock in the morning and we usually take something other than alcohol to get me there oh yeah to keep me going yeah i've

been there here's a little trick i use right so like when i'll be you know as a comic you just hang out at comedy clubs i'll be at the store and i go up later you know i'm not famous i'm not joe rogan i'm not going up at eight o'clock nine i go up at like 12 so i'll get that 11 my best way that i've gone to make sure i don't drink too much is i ask for three lemons limes a drink and i keep the same cup so i know i can't drink anymore when the cup is all limes and that's my cutoff point i I'm like, oh, yeah, I physically can't drink any more than this lime soup. I'm probably okay for the rest of the night. That's incredible. The lime soup.

So if anyone, also America, you can use that. I'm trying to help the kids, you know what I mean? What's the perfect amount of time for sex? We're talking start to finish, not insertion. Ten minutes? I think with the foreplay, you're saying everything involved. I'm saying the whole shebang. I'm saying from first to second.

Foreplay, too? You're making it? I get into bed with her. I'm clothed and kissing. Yeah, that's – Then you got to add – You have to trade mouth stuff. So that's at least five to 10 minutes there.

Intercourse five to 10 minutes, 20, 30. I'll go 20, 30. I'll take that one. What? 30 is long. The difference between 20 and 30. I can get you to 20. 30 is like, you're right. I mean, I got 30 minutes, 30 minutes. 30 minutes is a headlining set. You know what I mean? You're a pro at that point. You're getting paid I got to pretend to fall out 20 times in 30 minutes. 30 minutes is a headlining set. You know what I mean? You're a pro at that point.

You're getting paid to come in. That's some career type shit, you know? I'm giving – I'll give you like – I'll give you like seven minutes of sex on top of 10 full-ass minutes of foreplay. And, like, I'll try to get you another three minutes to get to 20. But it's going to be about 17. I think that's a good one i think oh you don't wallow around sex what was your sex spot like when you stuck around in high school oh i could well i lost my virginity in a bush near train tracks uh listening and i thought people could hear us i I was really stoned. And so I decided to put on the car radio and it was the cranberry zombie.

So it might've gotten more people to look at us. I don't know. You know what's so funny? There's someone from fucking Sacramento who's out there telling a story going, remember that time like 20 years ago, we saw those two people fucking in a bush listening to the cranberries. I gave him a story. You know what I mean? Why didn't you just fuck in the car if you had the car radio on? ago we saw those two people fucking in a bush listening to the cranberries i'm happy i gave him a story you know what i mean why didn't you just fuck in the car if you had the car radio on

volkswagen jetta old school the silver ones you know all the cute girls when i was younger had the volkswagen jetta backseat was too small front seat was too small i had to get some foliage involved brought it back to the forest what do you think is the oldest someone has ever been when they've had sex the oldest person to ever fuck wow oldest guy to ever fuck well it could be person let's say guy because girls can fuck it you know oh person i never been yeah girl could do it forever i'll think of a guy he could like maybe put some, like tape up some tubing to his dick at like 90 and just kind of. There's got to be a moment in life, huh, where you take Viagra and it doesn't work, right?

Where you're just like. I think the harder moment is before even the Viagra doesn't work. I think that day you learn, you're like, I just straight up can't do this anymore on my own. Without Viagra, you mean? You ever see the show Playmakers? Yeah, without Viagra. i love that show the one the nfl took off from espn great show and when there's one scene when they cut the i think damian harris no damian harris the page is current running back but he's definitely named damian uh actually by the damian harris um he's

like the new up-and-coming running back And they cut the old guy And they're showing him Like frame by frame Why his losing 1.1 seconds Off his 40 time And he's like You get through that hole If you're still moving at that speed And I feel like just like the frame by frame breakdown

Is what your dick does to you This is where we've lost our step Like if we were just a little bit younger, a little bit smarter, look, I'd be up here. Where I'm not at full attention anymore. And there's a couple of times where I'm like, that position doesn't really work anymore because I'm going to be falling out. And if I fall out a couple of times, then we're going to, you know,

it is a bleak realization. That's why we got to, we got to start studying Frank Gore're gonna you know the whole thing ends it is a bleak realization that's why we gotta we gotta start studying frank gore tape you know how an old man can keep doing it for so long and i bet you can do it to be frank gore i don't know how i know if i've ever said that out loud before but uh if you could be the patron saint of anything, what would you be? Steve Fury, the patron saint of? Good time. I could, I see that. I see that. I could very much see that.

Yeah. Patron saint of a good time. I feel like they're either a good time. Correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like depending on the mood I'm in, the setting that we're in, or like the age that I am, I feel like Steve's either like, oh shit, Steve's coming, or like, oh fuck, Steve's coming. Like, you know, like if I was just planning on chilling and having like a nice night, and I heard that you're coming, I'd be like, oh fuck, I gotta like, I gotta get my game face on.

I gotta get ready. Definitely matters what, you know, years. I think now, you know, as long as it's beer and everything, we're good. Younger Steve would have been more of the guy who's just like, was anyone else like into fighting people from like 15 to 22? That was like my identity would just be going to weird parties and standing in the corner angrily for no reason. So that guy, probably people were like, we don't really need him around.

But I come. So how about, so 15 to 22, Patriot Saint of fighting. And from there on, Patriot Saint of good time. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You got to learn from your mistakes, you know what I mean?

So got to watch the game tape, how you can get better. If every time you got a boner, the same song would start playing, what song would you want to play? Ball with the ball, the bang, the bang. White trash. The whitest trash is some white trash. I'm telling you, though, though guys like me and my friends

we sometimes during this pandemic we'll go get we'll happen like four times we'll go get tested and then we'll go to Joshua Tree and get you know

weird out there in the desert and we I read I Kid Rock's first album kind of slaps oh

really if you go back it's pretty good. I'm a cowboy, baby. Dude, sing that thing in the back of a Jeep Cherokee. You'll have a good time. If you could have footage from one memorable moment of your life, in your life, what would that video be?

Oh, man. Footage from one moment of my life buying that jetta yeah that would probably get me in trouble though like the cops saw that on my phone on my computer now no it's cool it's me it's me yeah it's me but who's the other person that's not my phone that's not actually that wasn't me that's actually not me um i don't know man that's a really great question philosophical you know do you go with yeah just a great party moment do you go with like your you know your most your most special moment on stage do you go with uh you know something with your family i don't even know i usually i have my own answers for these questions i don't know if I've ever actually thought about this one.

Yeah. I mean, either actually, you know, man, uh, when I got passed at the comedy store, that'd been something I looked forward to my whole life. When they say that, does that just mean like, you know, the owner calls you in the back and says like, you know, you've got a spot. Like what, what is, what literally happens when you get passed? So like, you know, I auditioned like a bunch of times every monday i'd go up see the guy you slowly move up the ranks and then either he'll talk to you there or he talked to me i was in tempe doing some shows at the improv there and he called me and like he's like the guy that he's

kind of like you know it's kind of like the Harvard of comedy, you know? So, like, if, like, the dean's calling you, it's either, like, you're in fucking trouble, dude, or you're good. So I'm good. So I answered it, you know, fucking. And he's like, hey, so, like, what you been doing? His name's Adam. I think I'm going to pass you. And I was just like, and I'm not a guy who, like, you know, some people in the industry that you work in or anything, they kind of like, uh,

always nuzzle up the most important person in the room or the decision maker trying to like be cool with them. I'm more of a guy who's like, you know, you can see me shine or you can not, I'm not going to bother you. You know, I'm here, you know, I'm hungry. You know, I want to eat. So I never really talked to him that much. And then he called me and then he was like, God, I think I'm a passion. I was like, thanks, man. Yeah. He's like, yeah. You guys in the, in the top, uh, in the top clubs, it's a woman here in New York. Like those people have power. That's a,

that's a, you know what I mean? Like that. And for our scene is like the most, they're the most important people in the goddamn world. Yeah. It's a, they're called gatekeepers. You gatekeepers you know i mean right and they let you in that gate they don't and you can make it without them but it sure helps a lot more when you got yeah last one here very philosophical very philosophical very deep would you rather fart popcorn or sneeze butter it'd be great if you didn't bowl at the same time. Therein lies the problem, you know.

Sneeze butter, probably, I guess. That'd be kind of weird, but kind of fun, I guess. I feel like that's a mess. Butter everywhere. You ever just get a little bit of butter on you? It's all over the place. I'll go home. If I'm like putting butter on my popcorn,

I get a little in my hand. I'm like, well, never. Let me enjoy this movie. Get it on your face. If I'm at the Cheesecake Factory and I misdo the loaf and it gets on my arm, I'm taking a shower. I'm going to the bathroom right now. All right, man.

We appreciate the time. Oh, wait. Can I plug the- Yeah, of course. I was going to say, where are you at and where can people get you right now? Yeah, make sure you guys check out the second half of dating no filter on e it's a dating show we got a bunch of great stuff if you like they pretty much what they do is they do a blind date and then there's about six comics that just brutally make fun of them and for their that is my fucking night yeah it's good it's good if you like talking behind people's backs with no

ramification and then sometimes you see someone have a great time. You know, one of my favorite one was these lesbians got their vagina steam. That was crazy. There's a booty facial spa. There's a sandcastle that this this guy who wanted to be a rapper thought coming on the show would slingshot him ahead in his career for some reason. And then he just destroyed this woman's date and her confidence. It was a lot of fun. It's a great thing. You guys can check it out. You know, I'm going to tell you something. If you're a rapper who thinks that going on this comedian dating show is going to give you street cred in the rap game, you are the worst rapper alive.

Makes no sense. Dude, that sounds like a nightmare. I mean, I would never do they sign up for it knowing that's what's going to happen or they trick them into it. Not all the dates are bad. You know what I mean? I'd say like 65. You know, they put people some of them. They want them to get together.

And some of them are really great when they get together. But then some are just like, you know egotistical crazy people narcissists in la and it's really fun to watch and really fun to make fun of on the other side of it knowing that now like knowing how it works would you do a date in front of like other people on camera i think i got some good dating skills if i could pick the person but i don't want to get with like some other girl who wants to be some, Oh man, there's this Instagram model chick that was, she was still living with her sugar daddy, but she was calling it her roommate, but he was like a 75 year old man.

And then it was just like the most, it was, that was one of the worst dates, worst, but great I've ever seen. So no, I don't think I would do it. I'm pretty confident in my dating game but i would yeah i'm confident enough to like put it on black on stage i know what i'm doing and i could entertain and have a good time but if you're there to pick it apart you'll find shit wrong you know what i mean yeah i also don't like lights i'm like kind of dive bar restaurant that's what i look like you know a little date like this like hey you want out you want to fun i don't have to hit on a girl in front of a ring light that's not what i want That's what I look like, you know? I can date like this. Like, hey, you want a bun?

I don't have to hit on a girl in front of a ring light. That's not what I want. So that's dating unfiltered, no filter? Dating, no filter. Wednesdays, 10 p.m. on E! It's a very fun show. Two episodes every Wednesday. Check it out.

Awesome, man. We'll make sure to plug everything else. And are you still on tour with Burt? Can people catch you? Yeah, we're going to be in San Marcos, San Diego this weekend. There's three shows. They're all before 10 p.m. Probably the last thing you're going to be able to do before everything completely shuts down. Make sure you follow me on Instagram at Scuba Steve Fury.

I got a bunch of clips and stand-up stuff I put out there every week. Thanks a lot, brother. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Have a good one. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you.

It's only light. This is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life, to my life, to my life, to my life To my life, to my life, to my life Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh

Yeah, we're not alone Yeah, yeah