KFC Radio - "Told My Step-Cousin She Looked Hot in a Bikini, Am I The A**hole?"

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! -Stone Colding beers -KFC and Feits going on an all time subscribe rant. Click here: barstool.link/KFCRADIO -Normalize Friendship Dates Viral tweet -Having Friends for 4 years Viral Tweet -Shaq Paid for a stranger's Engagement Ring -Uplifting stories of DMX are coming out as he battles drug overdose -Deshaun Watson is released from Nike -Feits does a blindfolded water taste test to see if he can find Desani -AITA Thursday -My Husband is Selling the Sandwiches I make for him at lunch -Ditching Work Phone on Maternity Leave -Told my step-cousin she looked hot in a bikini -Voicemails -Can you return to a job after a coworker rejected you? -Embarrassing accidental texts -Who's the best fake president? Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @FeitsbarstoolYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. So just go hit the fucking subscribe button! Click a button! I don't care if you don't even watch it! Just click the fucking button. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's a guestless day, so it's just me and Fights letting it rip for the next couple hours.

We've got Emma the Asshole. We've got our voicemails. We're going to do a water challenge after last week's episode. The dumbest shit hits on our podcast, on the internet in general. You know what I mean? Oh, it's – It's just like that episode I went in being like I wasn't feeling that great. We were Skyping, and I I was like I don't even

know what this is going to be about and we probably end up having like our most engagement ever because and by the way my water fountain thing exists I want to come clean about something I knew what you were talking about the whole time I've seen that before I just wanted to be an asshole

I knew exactly what you're talking about what the fuck that is the maybe the most sociopathic thing you've ever done to me but it is you you i mean this is this is frightening this is frightening because i knew exactly what you were talking about i'd never seen it metallic i've seen it in like the almost like like almost like it belongs in the vatican yeah yeah yeah like it's like it's like they had leftover toilets and they turned the water bounce yeah i've definitely this that see like i can tell when sometimes it's happening you know like for the sake of argument for the sake of banter i mean hook line and sinker though i was like this this guy's never fucking heard of this i so how fucking sociopathic are you that you can just lie to me?

Morton Middle School definitely had it. You know what's so funny? Afterwards, I was like, we're from the same era. We went to the same schools. If you went to school in the late 80s and 90s and shit, all those schools still had them from the 60s when they were like, we need to have the men spit in places. I don't think they're used for spit. Dude it's called the cuspidor which is a word

for spittoon why a cusp why was it like again i knew what you were talking about i don't think i'd ever spit one i think i'd stuck my head in them before because like you could also like didn't water come out of like the no no it like cascaded along the back so you couldn't people like you fill up your water bottles like unless you're gonna like put the lip of your bottle against the the that's a new age thing there are those now where you put your water bottle that's electronic and all that shit this was still just like the water you put you push the button and it makes water cascade out of the other one i think that uh that i think that was back when like gym class was like you you get changed into a wrestling singlet and you like you

like do real sports you know or like Or like when you do like boxing. Oh, you know what I read too? It said anybody with like any sports where you're wearing a mouth guard where you're just like saliva is coming out. And the whole vibe back then was like you don't swallow the water when you're exercising. What's wrong with you? I think I just got a hammer in my mouth. I didn't have a water. Wish I had a cuspid.

I hope you're watching on the YouTube because Fidelberg is just sitting here picking off his tongue. I wish I had a cuspid. I hope you're watching on the YouTube because Fidelberg is just sitting here picking off his tongue. And you haven't gotten it yet, have you? Yeah, it's still in there. Yo, by the way, the way I just said that unfortunately reminded me of a video that has gone... Let's go. Riggs tweeted it. I think it think the night of the national championship where i think he said it was a family friend but like it didn't get many retweets or anything like that what is this video it's like someone doing a stone cold entrance oh yeah what that that guy was like he was disabled he was definitely disabled it was like it didn't get a ton of retweets so maybe it

wasn't his thing because it was on the the front page of Reddit the next day. So I went back to check it. Yeah. But the most fucked up thing about this. So does he say? Yeah, he's just a family friend delivering one of the best things. So it was weird. It didn't get many.

Someone must have just stolen it from here and then put it on the front page of Reddit. Or put it on Reddit and it got to the front page. Yeah, it got six retweets on Reeves' tweet. But the fucked up thing about this. If you play the auto, it's a man who clearly has Down syndrome slamming two glass Bud Lights together. Shattering the glass into the pool. Into a place, standing in a pool. At the end, they're like, what are you, an idiot?

Holy shit! Bobby, stop. Bobby, stop. Don't go with you. Woo! Do not move. Do not stop. I don't want to go with you. Woo! Do not move. Do not move. What is wrong with you?

Are you dumb? Are you dumb? You know what? See, though? He's mentally disabled. I like that. I like that. Because you know what?

That's a guy, despite his mental disabilities, he's just one of the gang and one of the family. When you do something fucking stupid, what are you, some sort of some sort of idiot what are you dumb do you have a fucking functioning brain special needs classes growing up yeah he was does your brain function well not really no at a lower level yours no it doesn't had a much less capacity as a matter of fact get off my fucking ass i will and clean this goddamn pool so I can do another Stone Cold entry. I'll be honest, though. Even by retarded people's standards, that was really stupid. I don't think that's that bad. Smashing glass together?

And he's just having the time. Everyone's yelling and he's just like, woo! Don't move! That ruined the pool. they had to drain the pool there's bits of glass all over caddyshack drain the pool bring bill murray in to eat a piece of shit like it is what are you dumb amazing i'm hoping that maybe that was directed what are you dumb is is like you're drunker than he was to say, what are you dumb to a mentally disabled person? What if you're one of the stupidest people ever?

What's your IQ? Lower than average? What? Would you not be deemed mentally competent to stand trial or something? Can you even give sexual consent? What's the problem, pal? Maybe they were yelling at the guy who gave him beers or something. Maybe.

I hope so. I'm going to go with that. I want to live in a world where they're not telling mentally disabled kids, what are you, dumb? What are you, dumb? I mean, that was... Again, he's his family friend. Who were they yelling at in the pool right now? A family friend.

We will get to the bottom of this. We are going to get to the bottom of the best waters. We have a blind taste test on deck. But first, that'll be more for the YouTube viewers because you obviously got to watch that. So head over to the KFC Radio YouTube. Somebody DM me. In my never-ending plight to get people to subscribe to the youtube where i just debase myself and just turn into your average street corner whore and just beg

somebody was like yo man i've been watching the q anon doc how about that like fucking asshole from 8chan one of these you know rejects on that doc has like 295 000 subscribers on his youtube and he was like i get it now he's like we're a bad fan base we're a bad fan base the fact that that guy who is like a bad person who just contributes nothing to the internet has like triple like four times what we have and and i can't get this podcast to fucking subscribe he's like i'm sorry i truly am we all i think we are starting to knock on the door of 60 000 so i would get insane we're starting to knock on the door of 60,000. That's insane! We're starting to knock on the door of no subscribers!

Fuck! Why must you do this to me? Why? And the thing is, we know how many of you assholes listen to this podcast. Right! It's like six times how many people are on subscribe to the YouTube, listen to every episode. Every single one of them.

So just go hit the fucking subscribe button. Click a button. I don't care if you don't even watch it. Just click the fucking button. We used to, everything we've ever asked of Barstool fans, they've done. But when Twitter started, Dave started out with like 50,000 followers before you ever tweeted. It was just like, please click this thing. And everyone was like, okay, sounds good.

Barstool fans, it's a cult. It's a brainwashed cult that we'd be like, buy our merch and then jump off a bridge. And they'd be like, okay. And now I'm just asking you to click a button. And they just won't do it. I want to confess that I accidentally just subscribed and I wasn't subscribed. This is the point!

This is exactly the point! We have people who work on the show who are not subscribed! I didn't think it was a good time to say it. No, it wasn't! You should have kept that one to yourself! While we're doing confessions, I'm not subscribed. I'm going to fight you all.

I'm going to fight you all. But I'm not allowed to. I'm going to fight you all. I'm going to fight you all. But I'm not allowed to. I think that's my problem, too. While we're doing confessions, I have two counts. I'm not subscribed. Wait, okay, all right. Everybody go subscribe! Where can I even find out?

How does one even... Okay, let me search it. Let me search it, Let me search it. And we'll see. We'll see if I'm subscribed. He will see. Moment of truth here. Let's see.

Subscribe! I am subscribed to my own channel. Fuck you guys. You're all the problem, not me. 57,000 in our world. That is putrid, paltry, embarrassing. Fuck. I hate everyone on the internet.

I'm sweating. The internet is a stupid place, and that's where we start today. Brought to you by Cuts Clothing. If I'm not wearing Barstool merch, I'm wearing Cuts Clothing pretty much every time. Look at this. This shit is so fresh, I still have the tag on it. If it's not Barstool clothes, it's C tag on it. If it's not, if it's not parcel clothes, it's cuts clothing because it's all,

it's all just like that classic sleek, modern look that will never go out of style. Cuts clothing has everything from t-shirts to long sleeves, to Henley's, to hoodies. They've got the Henley top, the V neck top, the crew neck top.

They've got the scoop cut bottom, the elongated bottom, the, the split hem. They've got some scoop cut bottom, the elongated bottom, the split hem. They've got some things with very minimal branding, which just says cuts and tiny letters, or it has their little logo with the pins crossed. Otherwise, it's usually just straight up clean on the front,

and you can just mix and match whatever styles you want with whatever colors you want. Everything from just like black, white, blue, white, tan, all like the everyday go-to colors. It's also like – I don't want to use this word because it's kind of a pejorative. But it's almost Spanx for men-esque. Yeah. It keeps you tight.

In the sense that like you just look in way better shape when you're wearing it. Yeah, you really do. You look – Your arms always look fucking huge when you wear it. When I put on that, like I think I was wearing it for the – Are You Garbage? When they came on Friday Night Pints, I was wearing a cut shirt. And they were like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to you?

I'm like, nothing. I'm actually really fat right now. Yeah. But it is. Did you get taller? I've done absolutely nothing for like six months. I'm just in cuts and look fucking cut. It really does.

It's kind of magical. And then if you are in shape, like, forget it. You look like a fucking Adonis. It tricks you if you're not in shape. If you are in shape, it just takes things to the next level. So it's been the brand that has swept through the Internet as far as, like, the tech industry and the CEO world and, you know, the influencer world. And now certainly here at Barst at parcel we all rock it so go to cutsclothing.com slash clancy c-l-a-n-c-y get 15 off the only shirt worth wearing at cutsclothing.com slash clancy so the internet the internet oh can i say something by the way yes um

i i the uh the thing just talking about like subscribers and stuff like that got me thinking about it and i've recently been upset about something in that the kfc radio started before like podcast and stuff had like nicknames for their listeners yeah i never thought about doing it i know and uh got a name for us i got one what is chicken heads Chicken heads. I like it. What's up, you chicken heads? Yeah, we totally missed that wave. I like it. I mean, it's appropriate on many levels. The chicken heads.

Remember that song by, I think it was Three Six Mafia? Do you know that song? Whoop, whoop, chicken head. It's great. It'll be a great. We'll come up with a little drop to put in there. It's going to catch on. The chicken heads are going to be loud and proud.

What's up to all you chicken heads out there? I saw someone who just started a podcast. I honestly, I don't think it's someone at Parcel. They haven't put out an episode yet. They're like, what should we call our listeners? I'm like like put the cart before the horse here second of all

we don't even have we got plenty of listeners we don't have any fucking nicknames and I was just walking down the street I was thinking about I like chicken heads

so the motherfucking chicken heads go subscribe to the goddamn YouTube that's the other thing that drives me fucking insane we gotta come up

with our own chicken head dances I love i mean those scenes in arrested development with michael bluth just being like fuck you guys it's a female who likes cock jesus christ that's what a chicken head is Not often you see Cock thrown around Outside of porn Just like Cock sucker Sometimes maybe But just straight up cock Even cock sucker

Is pretty rare nowadays Yeah But you just Just a straight up A female who likes cock How about You see Bob Fox Why not a male

Who likes cock Well you know what I feel like that's That's maybe You know That was This was from 2003. Yeah, this song was before gay people existed. Yeah, I think now, I think if Urban Dictionary could alter their definition,

I think it would say persons who enjoy cock. Yeah, no, the chicken heads are strong. The chicken heads have been great audio listeners for years, just horrific video watchers. Just shame on you chicken heads. The internet gave us a bunch this week uh we'll start off with the dude who tweeted out normalized friendship dates with a with all these pictures of him and his friend who were like they were like dressed up and like hugging and posing i did the charlie's pose. They were out to dinner, smiling

and laughing. That wasn't a he who tweeted that. Oh, it was the girl. I'm 99% sure that was a she. That does make a big difference. Huge. Because a guy doing that is like, I want to fuck this girl so, so bad. You're right. It was a guy.

That was what jumped off to me. Terry here. She's a cute girl. you know they're both like good looking people like he wants to fuck this girl uh see okay here's my question here why wouldn't she want to fuck him there you are like like i said before the like you are on the same level you are both well looks wise yes why wouldn't you want to fuck each other because who knows maybe he just sucks he can't

then why would you hang out and take these fun pictures this guy doesn't look like he sucks he looks like a hell of a time I agree but I don't know I don't know if you're thrown around like let's go on friendship dates

you're probably not like the type that girls are swooning for you know what I mean I think that I think go back go to that first go to the picture

the first picture Nick yeah where's his hand lower back yeah like these are these two people should logically want to fuck each other oh he's hover handing he's hover handing oh so that's maybe not that's very weird the hover hand the greatest hover hand of all time dave portnoy and sophie turner remember that do you remember sophie turner like you say the word sophie turn Turner to me and you, I'm thinking ass model. I'm not thinking Joe Jonas.

You're not thinking Sophie Turner. Like, there is a Sophie Turner who is mega famous and successful. To me, it's this random guess that ass girl who just fell off the face of the earth. It was her and someone else. It was like a three-named woman. I think she also came that way. It was when Dave tried to do a singled out. Yes.

I think as Dave tells it, they just ended up in a hotel room together eating pizza. And thus was born with a one bite. Fuck it, I'm putting my money into pizza from now on. Dave took a picture with this chick who, again, so back in the day when we all did Guess That Ass, it was a scramble

every single day to go on the celebrity gossip sites or just like the like uh other blogs and we would find pictures of girls like uh in the in the paparazzi and there was one sophie turner who just had the baddest body i mean her ass was did not quit and uh and dave finally got to hang out with her and took a picture where he was it a shoulder or bottom either way it was like it was like a full foot away from it was like he grew an inspector gadget arm was like i gotta get the fucking far away which is just so funny thinking about like who he is now you know what i mean like back then just like looking gross and like afraid to like take a picture with a girl.

Now it's like dog leashes and shit. But federal crime. But the but yeah, that's that's that's Sophie Turner. But the friendship dates thing, man. First of all, I if I never hear the word normalize again, I'd be totally fine with that. We're normalizing everything. Normalize not saying normalize. How about that um but if you go the distance to call it a friendship date like that's just hanging out with my friend right i think i saw someone tweeting like yeah it's

called hanging out and i think when you take it to the point of like this is a friendship date i think i think that's somebody trying to be like that's like when we see those dudes down bad things where it's like i need to make it very clear i do not want to fuck you so that's somebody trying to be like, that's like when we see those dudes down bad things where it's like, I need to make it very clear. I do not want to fuck you. So that's like, okay, we're going on a friendship date tonight. Okie dokie. Because otherwise, just don't fucking call it that. It's just you made it weird.

And also, I don't know. People just don't. I guess the difference here is that they're dressed up. Yeah. I don't know. First of all, I don't think dressing up is a thing anymore. I think that, I think the dress code nowadays is look good. Like, I went to a couple of nice restaurants this weekend, and like, why don't I show up in a sweatshirt?

I was going to say, you can wear like hoodies out now. I look fucking, don't get me wrong, I look fucking dope. Yeah, you can look good, but you can dress up like hoodies, you can dress up, you know, t-shirts. I was asked, like, as we were like getting into the subway right now in Brooklyn. And it was like, can you wear that? And I was like, you can wear anything anywhere. Anywhere, yeah. You don't have to.

And I think that's kind of been that. Like certainly after pandemic and everything. But like it kind of started with Kanye where like Yeezy was going to be on runways. But it was like sweatshirts, like champion sweatpants, you know. So I think that's been brewing for a while. I ever tell you about the time I went to a kosher restaurant in the financial district? I forget the name of it. I went with my uncle

and he was in town. This is early Barstool. He was in town. Early Barstool in the sense of my second time moving here, not 10 years ago. It was a kosher restaurant. You can see into the kitchen for these things, so I guess you can make sure your shit's being a kosher restaurant where like it's like you can see into the kitchen

for these things so I guess you can make sure your shit's being made kosher and we were at dinner with his two business associates whatever

two Jewish guys and then everyone else in the restaurant Jewish yarmulkes the whole nine yarmulkes everyone's in a suit

every single person's in a suit and you're wearing a hoodie bro I had on a Kowloon hoodie right with ripped black jeans you walked in there like. Every single person's in a suit. And you're wearing a hoodie? Bro, I had on a Kowloon hoodie with ripped black jeans. You walked in there like, that's right, I believe in Jesus, motherfucker! And a flannel tied around my waist. And I was going to the bathroom, I was like, these Jews think I'm a rock star. I had my sweatshirt all up, you could see tattoos.

I'm like, I'm going to get buried in a cemetery, bitch. I don't give a fuck. There was probably some kids who were like, wow. Hit me in that special section, son. I don't give a shit about this. I don't give a fuck if a rabbi blessed it or not. Fuck your kitchen. Do me a favor. Give me all the pork and all the salt.

Mix up a bunch of fucking pork and eggs. Put that on a plate for me. But you're right. Short of a kosher dining situation, I think you can wear that pretty much anywhere. I mean, no one said – I could wear it there. No one said anything. I'm sure they didn't love it, but they're not going to kick you out or deny you. I was literally the only person there.

Could you imagine trying – oh, no. I just got hot sauce in my eyes. Hell yeah. Fuck. Hell yeah. Can confirm, truff sauce, great in your mouth, horrible in your eyeballs. Can you imagine these days trying to deny someone service because of their clothing? No.

The phones would be out in a heartbeat. You'd be canceled. Your business would be closed in like a fucking day. Unless it was a mask. And then in that case, the phones are coming out faster. I mean, sort of like being fucking naked that you gotta let someone

in your restaurant but yeah these guys they're dressed up they're doing like I'll tell you another thing if we're doing a friendship date we're not doing piggybacks we're not doing poses

we're not doing Charlie's Angels I'm just gonna hang out probably get pretty drunk since we're not fucking right and then head home which is great you know

no pressure by the way this is something I can speak on because this motherfucker went on friendship dates exclusively for like a solid 10 year stretch

oh yeah it was I can't imagine being a guy who didn't get friend zoned for like a period of like an era you know

most of my life no well I guess now but there was always guys there was the friend zone guys and the guys who were like fucking. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like there was guys in high school – in like middle school who were like, oh, yeah, that girl like sucks my dick. And I was like, oh, I do her homework. You know what I mean? Like two diametrically opposed worlds and like – and I don't think – it wasn't like a conscious decision. It wasn't something that I like – you just fall into it. It was just my fucking facial symmetry that really decided it for me i was i was a gay best friend before gay best friends were a thing i was i was the guy that like you were straight around they're like ladies love you

but they have they are just repulsed by you sexually so why don't you i don't think so though i i bet you if you if you had the attitude I was always worried about being nice and then they hate you then they don't want to fuck you I bet you if you changed your attitude you would have been one of those guys but also the guys I knew who had sex weren't like

fuck bitches they just had the goal to ask the question would you like to have sex with me? Yeah, I mean. I'm like, you guys are brave. Right. At that age, at some of the ages we're talking. What if she says no and then you have to kill yourself?

Don't you know what rejection is? Is your self-esteem not hovering right there? Because I can't afford a no. That's pushing me over the edge. I'm at the roulette table right now. And if I play one more hand, I have to sell the house. I don't want to hold them, I don't want to fold them, and it's always fault. The gall of being like an eighth grader and being like so you're gonna suck this dick or what like that's crazy i'm talking about fucking senior year high school dude you're talking about

that's what i'm saying though i knew kids who were like 14 years old you know i'm sitting here like i remember in seventh and eighth grade i had a quote-unquote girlfriend who i never even kissed we like held hands and like hung out at like, you know, like basically it was like the equivalent of recess. Yeah. We slow dance to Britney Spears sometimes. We went to a Friday night live,

which is like Friday night dances. And like, maybe we would grind. We'd go to public skating. Yeah. And I'd get there. I'm like skating club. I'm just going to skate.

Yeah. You're doing hockey stops and shit. Cutting up the snow on her. Hey, do you want to get off the ice And maybe go Get a fucking run Watch this

But that's what I mean I'm trying to go kiss you in the locker room And then there were other guys Do you want to see how fast I am That's what I'm trying to show you Do you see these fucking I got wheels okay Yeah I agree

That's why I'm trying to suck your dick in the shower I knew there were guys You gotta catch me first I knew guys who were. Catch me first. I knew guys who were getting hand jobs on the bus to skating, man. On a fucking yellow bus to Rye Playland for skating club. They're coming before I even get to the place. Who are these kids?

How is that? I think the rule should be if you're still doing things like basically field trips to go skating, shouldn't be coming you shouldn't that should be you know it's too early it's too soon for that i can't even imagine what's going on now and in like another decade another era from now another generation from now but yeah i feel like friendship dates are uh you think friendship dates are on the rise or on the decline like with the advent of dating apps and all that shit like i feel like people are more inclined to be like, no, I'm going on a hinge date tonight. I imagine that it's a roller coaster type thing. We're on a decline for a while with dating apps. And then people met enough people on dating apps and were like, oh, most people suck.

I'm just going to hang out with my friends. So now we're back up on the friendships. If I had to guess, we're on that part. And then we'll hit the woo! It's coming. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.

But yeah, either way, you can do friendship dates. They're just called hanging out. As always, there's probably one person who wants to fuck. Right. But it certainly shouldn't be something that you're like doing a photo shoot and postering it all over the internet. Because that guy, I think that guy thought this was going to go very differently you know just like the person who tweeted uh how many of you have a friend that you've known for four or more years uh tommy smokes very eloquently said everyone

everyone in the world i mean there are like the you know the hopelessly lonely of the world like the tragic cases who maybe don't but all like everybody in the middle of the pack has a friend of four years. I mean, I will say even the tragically lonely do. I don't think there's a soul alive that doesn't have a friend that's over four years old. Yeah, unless you are like four years old. But also, I must admit that I'm fast and loose with a friend. You'll bring them into your circle?

I think there was a Dave Portnoy show the other day. Dave was talking about Edelman. And he's like, we're like acquaintances and we're close and whatnot and stuff like that. If you were him, you'd call him a friend. I'd be like, I'll call Edelman a friend right now. Right, right. I've called Edelman like three times. Right.

That's enough. And it's not just because he's Edelman. There are people at Barstool who I've never really even spoken to. What do you think is the qualification for friend? Do you have to text them? Do you have to hang out with them? Do you have to see them outside of a work setting? Do you have to...

I think if you... And this is the incorrect qualification. People will not like this. Or not infuriate anyone. But I think people will disagree. But if I saw you at a bar and I hung out, I would be like, oh, no, come on over. Yeah. You're my friend.

Yeah, I think so, too. But also, you know what's funny? You could definitely do that with work acquaintances. But you're just split hairs. I didn't say friend. Work is funny. When I was at Deloitte, there was that dude who I love him, Gil the Garbage Man. And for like four years we like hung

out we got lunch every day we'd talk all day long he like helped me with blogging and covering you know all that and then like i think he he i think he might have left right before i did or vice versa and like if i saw him today it would be like that they come over but it was like it was after we split up from work it was very clear that we were just like work friends you know but also if i ever saw him it'd be like oh what's up dude like and i would if someone ever said to me his name i'd be like that's my friend gill right but if they're talking about high school i haven't spoken to since graduation they're my friend yeah it's my buddy yeah like but then also but then you have within that you know then you have like your circle where i feel

like yeah that's that's that's a different level of friendship but then to me with that i'm like i'm like that's elite you know that's that's your best friend because best friend is a level not a thing right you can have you can have like up to like 10 best friends yes i i probably have and i also it's like when i when i when i got married i did uh uh my what's it called groomsman yeah groomsman and it was basically like I'm trying to think I think it was everybody I ever lived with like that was kind of my that was like my inner circle

was like these are guys that I chose to live with and then I had like two best friends from like first grade but that was I think that was kind of like my and not it wasn't like a rule but it was just like when I picked them it was like oh these are all the people I've ever lived with that makes sense I don't think kind of like my, and not, not, it wasn't like a rule, but it was just like when I picked them, it was like, oh, these are all the people I've ever lived with.

That makes sense. Yeah. I don't think I've had anyone I lived with, but. Yeah, but yeah, you, I mean,

you've done, you've lived with like, this is like, we've lived together for like three years at this point. And I think Ellie back in the day asked him like, oh, are you in fights friends? He's like,

not really. That's like, we lived together. Yeah. Maybe for 10 years we lived together but that's what's funny is like so uh i think dave was saying this like the chicago guys being like you know me and kevin and dan don't like go out together and like get drinks and stuff like like but we're we're cool with each other like but are you friends if you never really choose to hang out

with each other like gaz was probably like yeah i do my thing he does his we're not really friends but it's also like bro you've been like an integral part of my life for years i think people who people just get too serious with the word friend yeah but but it's interesting it's it's very like there are there are different ways like oh i don't tell my deepest darkest yeah not my friend like right like like you know my therapist my deepest darkest secret so it's a pretty high bar i lie to everybody i i don't tell that to my family members my flesh and blood i'm not friends with they're the last people i tell absolute last ones i'd tell right for sure i i feel like uh remember way back in the day when uh it was like one of my one of my

most well-liked blogs was my friends who asked me to help them move they they uh they said we'll get you some pizza and some beer and there was three legs of the trip it was like starting out you go to brooklyn you pack up this apartment no you go to philadelphia yeah you pack up this apartment you come to brooklyn you pack up this apartment then you come to manhattan and unload it all into our new apartment i was like are you out of your fucking mind i wouldn't do this for my family member if they were like dying of cancer and you are you're fucking mind? I wouldn't do this for my family member if they were, like, dying of cancer. And you, you're just going to ask me to do this on a Saturday for pizza? How about this?

Always say yes. No. I say yes. I don't think I've ever said no to helping someone move out. You are a sucker. Yeah, yeah. Gaz, who isn't my friend, I moved that motherfucker out because he wasn't even there when we had to move. And he said, this is a man who openly says, yeah, you isn't my friend, I moved that motherfucker out because he wasn't even there when we had to move. And he said – this is the man who openly says, yeah, you're not my friend.

And John's like, oh, I'll do the most strenuous thing. You want me to take all your shit out of your room? Perfect. Oh, yeah, your big fucking – what do you call it? You keep closing. Fucking – Like armoire. Yeah, your big armoire.

I'll move it out. And your bed frame. I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it. Dude, I helped my friends move into Boston, and I just – I sprinted the whole time. I'm eager to please. That is – What's wrong with you?

I don't know. What is wrong with you? That's a – You're the biggest god – What do you want me to do? Sure. Love to. Validation?

Anything? You'll like me? You'll say something good about me? Sure, I'll do it. Jump how high? Unbelievable. Yeah, but I feel like that's also i bet you a lot of people do like you because i bet you a lot of people would be quick to be like yeah fight some everyone except for dads because i feel like it's reciprocated you know what i mean

yeah i think so i just just trying to fucking collect friends i just'm the opposite. I'm trying to pare down. The more people that I have to be there for, help, socialize with, I'm like, I got my fill of that. I'm all set on that front. I agree, but that's why I'm so broad with the friend scope. I'll have to hang out with you.

Right, okay. Would you say I'm a good guy you're basically like friends with benefits of friends right hang on a little more like you're not in a full relationship with them no you'd be like we're best friends but you'll do some shit for them yeah like you know and and then you get like a title kind of out of it like yeah we're something we're not just like nothing yeah we're we're friends yeah we're just we're just friends we're friends yeah you better fucking say it um the other thing on the other thing cooking on the internet right now i feel like we have

two stories that are the the opposite ends of the spectrum of uh athlete life it's brought to you by simply safe if you're trying to keep your family safe, your house safe, and your belongings safe, the easiest way to do it, the most affordable way to do it, and the quickest way to do it, is to go to SimpliSafe. They send you everything you need. They don't need to send out a technician or someone else to snoop around your house and do it for you. They give you the cameras,

the sensors, the alarms, the sirens, all that shit. You decide where to put it. It takes like 15 minutes, 30 minutes to set it up, depending on how big your house is, I'm sure. And from there, you have 24-7 protection that gives you police, fire, EMTs. They can stop burglaries. They can help with floods, earthquakes, anything that could damage you, your loved ones, your house, or your belongings. They are on the scene immediately. It's month to month, so you're not locked into any long-term contracts. It's no tricks, no hoops to jump through.

It's just simple security that you need to have if you put a lot of money into your place, if you have babies and loved ones, if you have a lot of expensive stuff. I'm sure my guy Steve Cohen needs that. He's got hundreds of million dollars worth of art and shit. He's got a SimpliSafe going. So go to SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. SimpliSafe with an I. S-I-M-P-L-I. Safe.com slash KFC Radio.

You can customize your whole system. And right now you can get a free security camera. So an additional camera for no cost. Also a 60-day risk-free trial. So try it out for two months. And if for some reason you're not satisfied and don't feel safe, you get your money back. No questions asked. It's SimpliSafe.com slash KFC radio.

This video I believe is of a true contender for most likable person on the planet earth. The video of Shaq in the jewelry store, just paying for some dudes engagement ring just because got me thinking that like, I don't think I've ever heard anybody, like, really hate Shaq. I feel like I've heard some people kind of criticize him on TNT, that he doesn't, you know, sometimes the city says he's stupid

or he's not, like, fully informed. But it's never any, like, I fucking hate that. That's fucking inside NBA. That's what it's called, right? NBA on TNT, inside the NBA. I think it's inside the NBA. Ernie, Kenny, Shaq, you know, Charles. Right.

They get, like, criticized for not being informed. Like, it's entertaining. That's like Barstool. I might get the stats wrong. I Ernie, Kenny, Shaq, you know, Charles. They get like criticized for not being, like it's entertaining. That's like Barstool. I might get the stats wrong.

I might get like. Don't fucking like listen to me and go quote it at a legal proceeding.

Especially him like he's doing, you know, I saw him get in an argument with who's the

girl they have on the panel sometimes? One of the younger like bigger names. He was talking about basketball like old school basketball he's like you know back to the basket big man post-up sort of thing

and she was kind of like no no no man like you got to do it this way and he's just like from a different era that hasn't like adapt adopted so you might have had some people being like jack doesn't know he's talking about but as far as like if you polled people like do you like are you friends with jack uh i think it would be as high as, you know, The Rock or any of these other guys who are always regarded as, like, the international, like, most well-liked guys. I mean, he's larger than life. He's a complete clown. And he does – remember when he's a sheriff for a while? He does the movies.

Kazam. Like, Shazam, the whole thing. No, he's Kazam. Kazam, right. Yeah. He's Kazam. Kazam, right, yeah. He's Kazam. Shaqfu, the fucking karate video game. It's all awesome.

And then stuff like this is genuinely cool. He went to the jewelry store to buy some earrings. There was a cat there buying his engagement ring. And the diesel's like, I got you, bro. Which is, I think, I think not allowed. What do you mean? I think you gotta buy your own engagement ring. Well, so that was kind of my next question is,

would you, so if you're this guy, you're turning it down? I mean, I'm not turning it down. You know what I'm certainly wishing didn't happen? This going viral. Not letting it go viral. I'd be pulling my mask up and my hat down real quick. Like, nope, honey, that was not me. I paid for that shit in full.

I guess it's a cool story, though, where it's like. Also, I mean, who knows? This guy might be like, I absolutely needed this. Thank you so much. Like, if you're down on your luck or whatever. Yeah, no, I'm sure. I mean, I feel like anyone could probably use that relief. Yeah. But I think it's like Michael Scott.

You got to save three years of salary. And then you can fucking finally afford to get married. It's so stupid. It's the dumb afford to get married. It's so stupid. It's the dumbest thing we do. It's nuts. Buying the ring is nuts. I agree. It's insane.

I was thinking about it today. The amount of money that I spent on that and the wedding and things and the divorce. I'm like, oh, my God. No wonder I'm broke. I spent it all on dumb shit. The engagement ring was so fucking expensive. For what? I can't even say.

It's so bad. It's so bad. It probably was, like, the three-month salary thing at the time, though. But three months, isn't that normal? Michael Scott did three years. Yeah, three years. No, I know. He's Michael Scott.

Three months is quote-unquote normal, right? Yes, but I think that should probably stop at a like everything else with barstool i think when you're in the middle it's tough like i think three months salary when you're not making that much money is like you're getting a modest ring you know and then when you're rich you know you can get like the kobe ring for four million dollars it's when you're in the middle where it's like oh i gotta drop like fucking you know, tens of thousands of dollars. I mean, all I'm saying is if Shaq was there at the time, I would have been like, yes, thank you. And then I'll figure out the aftermath when this goes viral.

So the move here, you got to go home and be like, honey, we've got the down payment on the house set now. You know what I mean? Because you can't just try to play this off, and then she hops on Twitter the next day, and she's like, wait a second. The Deezer bought my ring? And you didn't upgrade it? Who the fuck did you put it back on the shelf for? That's what's funny.

I mean, I wonder if this guy was able to pick up on what was going on, or if it was just like he just swooped in at the last second at the register. Because if you start picking up on the buys... It is very smooth. Jack doesn't even you, if you start, it is very, Jack doesn't even fucking like they didn't break stride. His hands is black card to pass it on the back.

Yeah. I'd imagine this has to be like, he's, he's gracious. He gives a handshake. I'd imagine when it, the topic was first broached, he was like, what?

Oh my God. I hope at least if that guy was just like, all right, cool. Thanks man. I'd be like, all right, never fucking mind.

Yeah. I have this to yourself, but I wonder if he was like, oh yeah, no, um,, yeah, no, let's go to the other case over there. Let's, like, double that in size now because Shaq's paying for this one. It's like you go out on a date. It's like, oh, you're paying? Okay, I'll have lobster. I actually, you know, I think I've come around to on the – I think it's a cool story.

You can't turn it down. Not that I say you need to turn it down, but, like, I almost – when my fiancé gets me an engagement ring, I'm like, you better pay this for yourself. But the – I think it's a cool story. Yes. Like Shaq bought this. Right. It's got some specialty to it. I have a buddy who Lady Gaga named his son, and I think it's like one of the coolest stories.

What's the name? So I'll tell you this story real quick. So he was ingas for work i wasn't there like that we don't work together i work here um and it's not like when you started that story i was like you better have been in vegas with him you could have just totally left that part out it's a story about a different person like i wasn't there i wasn't there i like to make it clear like i wasn't part of it i don't like to take my not stealing stories i wasn't. It's a story told to me. Right. And he was with like the CEO of his company or whatever. God damn.

We had such – that's such a fucking weird – like I have to let everyone know. I'm not trying to steal your story or whatever. It's like that is such a warped thing. It is. It is. But like people would be like, well, we tell that story. I don't know. It's just a good story.

Right. Happened to my friend. And so he was with like his CEO and like and a couple of the big guys in his company. And I guess they were at a high roller table. And Lady Gaga happened to be there. And he doesn't play. He doesn't gamble or anything like that. So he was kind of just hanging back by the table talking to Lady Gaga's bodyguards.

And they were just like, you know, you're kind of shooting shit about life and whatever. And then Gaga got up from the table. And she was getting ready to leave. so she came over to her bodyguards and he just spouted off. He was like, hey Gaga, you know I was going to name my kid Charles. What do you think about that? And Gaga paused and thought on it for a second. She goes

make it Charlie and teach him the arts. And he was like, done. Okay, fine. And so on his birth certificate, Charlie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a coolass story to have. Like, Gaga chose my name. That's such a great move by Gaga, too, because if you totally depart from it, if she was, like, name him Nathaniel, you'd be like, well, no, I can't do that. But a little bit of a tweak.

And I guess he's teaching that motherfucker the arts. Yeah. Like, it's going to be, like, the opposite of, like, a sports dad. He's going to be like, get back in there and sing! Because Gaga said so, Charlie! Yeah, he's always sending me pictures of him. He's going to be like, get back in there and sing. Because Gaga said so, Charlie. Yeah, he's always sending me pictures of him. He's always in like a meat dress and stuff like that. He sleeps in an egg.

Weird masks and shit. How about that move Rihanna pulled at the airport the other day? I don't know. She was waiting on line and she's masked up. Big black glasses and like a black baseball hat. Like, I mean, you could see nothing. Which is a real pain in the ass, by the way, just going to fucking say it right now, not being able to see people really goddamn regret and buying some new sunglasses.

You can't walk down the street with fucking, fucking them up. It's infuriating. Every fucking step. Oh, you son of a, like anti-mask job. I show up to work angry because of my walk to work. I'll exhale. Can't fucking see again. There it is.

God damn it. I'll hold my breath for entire city blocks. Just to not fog up your glasses for four seconds. So I can fucking see just a little bit. It is infuriating. I'm going to get a mesh mask or something. up your glasses for like four seconds so i can fucking see just a little bit it is it is it is infuriating i'll get a mesh mask or something so well she she i mean she was it was like she was riot gear like you couldn't see a speck of skin even and she's online with someone at the airport he's like this asian guy and the video picks up like they probably they've probably already been

like chatting or something and she's like he's like can they've probably already been, like, chatting or something, and she's like, he's like, can I have your Instagram? I don't know if he's hitting on her or what, but he's like, can, you know, and she's tapping with her knuckles, and I think he says something like, you can, like, use your hand, and she's like, no, no, no, I got nails, I can't do it. So she's like, bad girl, RiRi, and he's like, okay, cool. Oh, that's you? Oh, okay. And, like, I don't even know if he believes it. You can see he really would not be able to tell it's Rihanna.

You'd be able to tell it's this swagged out chick, but you'd really have no reason to just assume it's Rihanna. And I mean, she's probably got what? Like 50 million followers or something crazy? I would guess at least. No, probably more. I bet 100. 100?

Yeah, she's got to be triple digits. I mean, I feel like she... Does anybody get i mean i know she does like um her fenty and shit i know it's a big deal but like she just doesn't do music anymore hundred and what bag yeah that's at a hundred and something thousand right um 93.9 she's gotta get that triple digits she's gotta get there but

I would I think I would do I think I would do both like the Shaq thing and the Rihanna thing if I was ever just like ungodly rich for all the right reasons

like this is just nice it's the way to give back but also it's just like great PR wait what's the Rihanna thing what'd you do well just like yeah I mean she's just like

you know talking to random guys and like kind of been like oh wow fuck that no I'd be more inclined to do the Shaq thing than the Rihanna thing bro the first thing I do when I get famous I mean, she's just, like, you know, talking to random guys and, like, kind of being like, oh, wow. Fuck that. No.

I'd be more inclined to do the Shaq thing than the Rihanna thing. Bro, the first thing I'd do when I was getting famous is buy an invisibility cloak. Yeah. Wouldn't it be great? Being famous. Fucking. The worst. Yeah, like, oh, it's so nice.

Dude, that is, like, something I always think about, too, like, with, like, my dad used to always tell stories like that where like he'd have like two athletes he hated because they were mean to his friends one time yeah yeah he didn't sign the 900th autograph right he had to go home eventually that it was like conseco and like i forget who the other one was maybe conseco might have been right yeah um but i was always like not always like but like since barstool kind of got like start to understand it and i'm like i'm like yeah but but also like i i start to understand it because i'm like like, yeah. But also, I start to understand it because I'm like, yeah, there's some days I just really don't want to take a picture. Or some days I really don't want to fucking be at a bar with a stranger or whatever. But also, I've never said no.

Now granted, Jose Canseco in his height. It's way different. I believe Canseco was in Pawtucket. So fucking. It was well past his time. It was like people. Actually, fuck it. This was a dickhead story.

It was like kids outside McCoy Stadium. And they're hanging out past the time. It was like people – this is – actually, fuck it. This was a dickhead story where like it was like kids outside McCoy Stadium and like they're hanging out in the rain like waiting to see Jose. You're lucky that anybody even wants to still see you, bro. And then like someone came out. So like a Paul Sox employee came out and was like, just so you guys know, like Jose knows you're out here. He's not coming out until everyone leaves. So it was like that's kind of a dickhead thing.

I mean he's a bag of trash. I will defend those ideas and things where it's like, dude, just not today. I'm sorry, but I'm – But I also do think when you really make it and you're talking about ungodly wealth – again, I think the middle is where it's tough, where it's like, you know, I really – like the money and the perks and the shit really doesn't offset a lot of the bad stuff. And so now this is just a headache on top of it. Whereas if I was ever like super rich, I think I'd be like, all right, I can hang out.

But there is always going to be like, I can't be here all night. You know, you're a baseball player and there's like hundreds of people waiting, you know, and you got to like go home. I just can't fucking, you know, do all this. But I've been here uh since dmx got uh like in the hospital there's all these wild stories about him that it's like he was such a uh like dark dude and obviously like a lot of demons and sometimes with like there's always stories of like the the duis and the shitty crazy shit with his car and like there's stories about him people like i don't know any of these i mean i the dark he one time he one time

he was driving around in a car that he got like hooked up with police lights and he like pulled somebody over they were like they were like and this is after like numerous duis and shit he's one of those guys like tiger woods that should just like never be behind the wheel ever again and i think he like pulled somebody over and the way he was telling the story in the breakfast club he was like nah that story that story was like over inflated i was i was overhyped like i would be behind the wheel ever again. And I think he pulled somebody over. He was telling a story in the Breakfast Club. He was like, nah, that story was overinflated. That was overhyped. We were mixing it up.

Ah, nah, I did pull him over. I did ask for his ID. But there's all these stories coming out about the good side of him. He was on tour with Jay-Z on the Hard Knock Life's tour. So he was blown up and not quite there yet, I think. So he was maybe even opening with Jay-Z, like, on the Hard Knock Life's tour. So he was, like, blown up and, like, not quite there yet, I think. So he was, I think, maybe even opening for Jay-Z. And he couldn't get to Pittsburgh because I think of either he was having issues

or it was, like, weather or whatever. And just, like, the next night he, like, threw another concert. He, like, went. He was in Pittsburgh and he, like, got the arena to, like, I guess it was open or whatever, and he was, like, just come back and I'll just do another concert. Really? Like, cool shit like that where it's just like he uh like when you when you hear like all the like she's been telling those stories like all along you know what i mean like all the cool stuff's coming out now there was a a girl uh who had a twitter thread like this like tiny little white mom who was going on vacation with her

daughter yeah i saw that birthday it wasn't i think it was her niece or something like that but and she graduated college right and it was like niece or something like that. And she graduated college. Right. It was like, pick one place and I'll take you in San Diego. I saw that one. And she was a social media manager. And DMX invited them to the concert and rolled out the red carpet for them. All this really, really nice shit.

Those stories were never told. Maybe even of his own design because he wanted to be this dark, scary dude. But you hear the good side of him. And it's like, oh, yeah, this guy is. That video, the story of him getting tricked into being an addict is one of the most heartbreaking things ever he was 14 years old and like the dude he like looked up to the most like because like meditor on the streets or whoever he hung out with uh rolled a blunt and like passed it around and he just laced it with crack and never told anybody and he was like that was when the monster was born like i got addicted to crack like right then and

there 14 year old kid just like he's like sobbing telling the story was just like i had no shot after that it's like oh fuck that dude i mean that's like murder to me you know like you ruined that guy's life now crazy but uh but yeah i mean as far as like the nice and then on the other side of the spectrum you have like the deshaun watsons of the world who are just like one of the one i think one of the more, like, kind of vulgar, nasty abuses of celebrity... On the, you know, like, obviously the Harvey Weinsteins are, like, the worst. But what's going on here is just like, oh, man, that's just fucking... He's also, like, he's finding, like, people who...

He's, what he's doing is almost kind of like it's not like shattering dreams because that's overdramatic i feel like although i guess it isn't because i know one of those women yesterday who was speaking out said that like she can't be a massage anymore she like shakes and like yeah yeah yeah so i guess like shattering dreams isn't an over-exaggeration but like like someone like i imagine he's on Instagram, like holy shit and that to me is already the red flag, where it's like he has a whole training staff that could

do this for him, and you're trolling Snapchat and Instagram, the best of the best like the medical masseuse the athletic trainer masseuse, but you know what they're not gonna do? they're not gonna fucking finger your asshole so he's hopping on social media and yeah, they're probably thinking like, I get with this athlete and you know here's my card refer to this guy and this guy and it's like no no this guy just wanted to treat you like basically a hooker

yeah uh and then like afterwards like you have to sign the nda and if you don't like pressuring them to not talk about it it's just like he had them sign ndas after he would he would like ask them to or like demand them to i guess i I would like, and I've never promised him the situation, so it's easy for me to say sitting here at this desk, but I'd be like, yeah, no. I guess what kind of payment would he take? Was he paying them off right then and there big time? I don't even know if it was paid off.

Yeah, if it was just like, here, sign this. Well, no. Yeah, there's no paperwork for this. Yeah. But I mean, it was also, it started out. I guess you could be intimidated. Again, I've never been in that situation. The reports I was reading, it was also – it started out – I guess you could be intimidated. I've never been in that situation. The reports I was reading was like it was way worse than I thought because I thought he was just like into some weird kinky massage shit where it's like, dude, just go to the right places.

You can do that. But then there was like he would just take – he would take his dick out and he would touch them with his dick and grab their ass. And it was just like, oh, OK, never mind. This is way worse than just like I want you want you to rub my asshole which is not good either but the other shit was like and it's just i feel like it's got to be he's got to be done right i mean we're like done for like a little while or like you you go on hiatus does he just go out there every sunday and just like well i'm gonna play ball it's one of the assuming he doesn't get like you know legally arrested or whatever like there's a true i don't think you can go in

front of the press every day. Right? I mean, what are you doing out here when you're a fucking predator? Every time. Ask you about playing the Bucs. Right. It's going to be... Every fucking time.

Okay, what are you doing out here? It's actually crazy. Did Kobe face questions like that when Kobe's shit was going down and Kobe was flying back and forth from Eagle to LA? Where people were just like, yeah, this is cool. Kobe was flying back and forth from Eagle to LA. Like where people just like, yeah, this is cool. I was on trial for rape.

It's he was, I know we can't really say it anymore because he died. I know, but it's like, no, those are fucking facts. And it was just flying, like taking private jets back and forth to play an NBA games.

Right. That's bananas. Yeah. Like you see him in, in a suit in the fucking courtroom. Like he, I mean, if that happened even just a couple of years later,

how many years later do you think? It was pretty early. I think it's many more years later. Was it like, oh, like four-ish or something like that, was it? I would say it would take a decade for it to be a big deal. Yeah, probably. I mean, it was only when Me Too started, which was like mid-2010s, right?

So yeah, probably more than a few years. But man, what a difference 5-10 years makes. I don't think you can't just try them out there. Again, as long as this goes to trial. Well, I almost think the best thing for the Texans. He has said the whole time this is going to trial. I feel like

he's starting to regret that stance. Deshaun Watson said that? Yeah. It's going to go to trial? His first statement after I think Busby had one accuser. His name was like, this is absolutely. It was strong. I want this to go to trial. It was strong.

Yeah. He was like. Which just shows how delusional maybe you are. You don't even realize that it's like. What you're doing. Yeah. But I mean, I think the best thing that could happen for him is an NFL suspension. Where it's like, I guess I should say for the Texans where it's like,

we can't put you out there. Good. They'll suspended you. Yeah. But if it's not like that and it's like up to them, they're going to, I mean, it's going to make,

well, all right, we either have, you know, no quarterback and we're like the worst team in the league, or we have to face, you know, like if there's not an official legal thing,

if there's not an official suspension and it's just up to your morals as an NFL team, usually that does not, usually they do not do the right thing. That's basically what happened with baseball in Georgia. This whole thing has passed me by. What's

happening here? I honestly don't even know if I should have brought it up, because I am not educated enough to speak up. Let's do a water test instead. Okay. That's more our speed. Let's do a water test instead. Okay. That's more our speed. Let's do a little water drinking. Brought to you by Movement. Join the Movement today.

It's summertime, springtime. Summer's almost here. Baseball's back. You're going to be out at the ballpark. You're going to be maybe heading to the pool during the summer, the beach, the lake, out on vacation. Even if you're just driving, going out to see the sunset, whatever it is, you're going to want a new pair of sunglasses. You're going to want to look sharp and match that to your watch, and you're going to want to all do it for an affordable price.

That's what MVMT provides you with, glasses and watches. Can I tell you about the swaggy-ass sunglasses I got from Movement? I cannot remember the name of them, but they're like fucking... They're like the Benjamin Franklin spectacles, aren't they? Yeah, they fucking pop up. Yeah, oh, they do? Yeah, they pop up. Are you going to wear them flipped up? fucking pop up. Oh, they do? Yeah, they pop up. Are you going to wear them flipped up?

They pop down. Of course I'm going to wear them flipped up. You think I got a pair of fucking flip-up sunglasses to not wear them flipped up? What are you, nuts? You're going to be like the asshole baseball players who have the sunglasses on top of their hat and lose a ball in the sun. You're going to be driving in the middle of this sundown. Guess we're not going to fog up, though, son. Actually, I think regular glasses fog up, too.

I imagine, right? I think everything fogs up, yeah. Well, it'll fog up. I like the hide. That's been my choice for a long time now. I had the weekender for a while, but these ones were a new spot, and I was like, oh, this flip up,

this is different, and I don't like to be different, but I don't like to be different. You like to be different. You like to be different. Yeah, there they are. Yeah, right there. The Rory Kramer Vision Signature Shades.

Yeah, those are fire. Like the last person to wear those was John Lennon. Yeah. Movement's got it all, man. It's all affordable. My nose looks so big. I'm going to love it. It's huge.

Those are $125. That's the most expensive it gets. Everything else is, I think, under $100. Same thing with the watches. I think most of the most expensive it gets. Everything else is, uh, I think under a hundred bucks. Same thing with the watches. I think most, most of the prices, uh, 95 bucks.

Um, the reveler is a good pair too. I co-sign the reveler. So all sorts of different, uh, shades, frames, colors,

lenses, the whole nine. Um, and you get the watches to match. So you, you know, make the outfit pop a little bit, go to MVMT.com slash, uh, you know, make the outfit pop a little bit. Go to MVMT.com slash KFC.

MVMT.com slash KFC. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns. But you're not going to return a fucking thing. You're going to like it. It's MVMT.com slash KFC. It's the KFC Radio official water challenge. This is podcasting, baby. Yeah.

So here's the fucking thing. You guys want to hear me take a water test? You have so like so here's the fucking guys want to hear me take a water test you have to go watch this on the fucking youtube if you if you sit and listen to this you're an asshole so just head on over to the fucking youtube so we did the episode last uh uh we did the episode earlier in the week with the top five waters and i said that sometimes i think the dasani hate is overrated, although I have since heard that they straight up, if you look at the ingredients, it says salt. So maybe I'm wrong on that one.

Salt is tough to put in water. Also, by the way, your fucking thing, your Poland spring thing. Yeah, those are all places in Maine. Those are all in Maine, motherfucker. Whatever. I don't know if I believe that. Denmark's not in Maine. I saw that and was like, ah, shit.

He's right. They're blotted in different places. All of the spots in Maine. I can't believe you conceded that quickly. I know. Me too. Because I wasn't sure either. I'm like, I'm just going to roll this.

Okay. So here's the deal right now. I'm going to say a few things. This is a lot. This is a lot. Now, you're going to tell me which waters are here. Yeah. You got to at least know the brands.

Yeah. Don't tell me the numbers. But also, as I touch this, I am concerned that they're all cold. That matters. If they were all warm, I would be better. Okay. I would be more accurate if they were all warm. That is true.

I feel like, you know, you can taste things more. Cold is cold. Yes. Cold is a taste for sure. Okay. Yeah. So we have a set. It's basically most of the ones you guys said, or most of the you said actually um is there a cup of hose water yeah i couldn't get that one

uh dasani obviously like you said uh smart water life water body armor water uh poland springs and i think that was you're to be able to differentiate between these? Fuck no. No fucking shot. No shot. My thing, I want to see, do them all. Okay. But I want to see if you can just get Dasani. Okay. Because if you can tell the difference between a smart water and a life water, like, you are a water kind of smart water. It's not fair that they're cold.

But all right, here we go. And here's the difficulty of being a water sommelier. Nothing to cleanse my palate. I'm just going water to water. If I had maybe a couple of strips of ginger over here, that would have helped. But we'll see. Just tasting fucking water. All right.

Number one. Pass it over here. Let me hit that when you're done Number one is smart water No no Just write it down or whatever though Every time we've done this in Barstool history We've fucked up the numbers and the recording I'll be wildly impressed if you get one of these though. Every time we've done this in Barstool history, we've fucked up the numbers and the recording. I'll be wildly impressed if you get one of these right.

I mean, I guess just by the law of numbers, you're going to have to get one or two right, but this is insanity. Okay. Wait, yeah. Can you dump the bottles out just so I can see? All right. Number one, Smartwater. Number two, Poland Spring. It's just what you looked at. Whichever one your eyeballs hit.

I just pulled them out. Number three is body armor. That one I'm sure about. That might be body armor, because that tastes like what i was just drinking before but so did the first no number four is smart water number one is life water that's what it is clearly yeah oh yeah switch those that's that's a guarantee dasani dasani five is dasani. Five is Dasani.

Yes! Five is Dasani. Couldn't tell any of them. Hang on. Six is Dasani. Six might be Dasani. Five might be Essentia. That's what I think we're going.

Six is Dasani. I mean, these literally all taste exactly the same. All right. That's my point. Six Dasani. Five Essentia. Four, whatever I same. All right. That's my point. Six Dasani, five Essentia, four whatever I said, three whatever I said, two whatever I said, one whatever I said. Wait. Six was Dasani. Six is Dasani.

Okay. All right. Am I saying this right? Yep. Yeah. So number one was Life Water, so you switched that with Smart Water. So you got that. Number two was Dasani.

You said it was Poland Spring. Okay. Two waters not on my list Two waters I don't think are very good Poland Spring is regarded as the freshest fucking from the babbling brooks of Maine and you mix it up with the salt water Number three was Body Armor

so you got that one Then Smart Water, you got that one Pretty good Four for six or something? You got three out of six. Incredible. It was five was Poland Spring, you said was Essentia, and then the last one was Essentia, and you said was Asani.

Okay. Don't get me wrong. 100% luck. No, not luck. If we line it up and do it again. The confidence switches were like, wait, no, this is the one I thought it was. I was like, oh, hang on, this is fucking hard. That's what I mean.

That's ridiculous. That was luck. I know my waters. Look, bad 500 is not too bad for fucking six bottles of water. But you got Dasani wrong. Pretty good! That's luck! That's not luck, motherfucker, no one's that lucky.

You got Dasani wrong! But it was, I got What kind of water Samuel Yeag doesn't know the worst tasting water in the world? You got Dasani wrong! But it was... I got both... What kind of water... What kind of water Samuel Yeag doesn't know the worst tasting water in the world? I knew my waters! But your waters, you should be able to differentiate from the worst tasting water on the market, and you couldn't.

Those two aren't my waters! The whole point of the thing was that you said that you... Couldn't taste Dasani. Yeah. We're moving the goalposts. Relax. Shut the fuck up! Go subscribe

and stop ruining my argument. We can do this again. Do an awful lot of talking for someone not subscribed to this YouTube. You're not subscribed Which was Dasani? I'm not allowed

to be subscribed. I'm not allowed. Three was Dasani? Two. Yeah, I mean, with it in my mind, yeah, I'm like, you know, there's like a little bit of a tinge and a little aftertaste, but. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it really hits you there.

Which was my body armor. That's what I want. Three. Give me that. Can I take another body armor, too, please, actually? All right. I mean, I'm good. I'm good. Three for six.

I'm pretty solid there. I'll give it to you. I got my waters. Yeah. Again, all by luck, but whatever. Am I the asshole? John's certainly an asshole. Let's get into Am I the Asshole today.

Am I the Asshole today is brought to you by Barstool Golf Time. It's a free app to design to help you book tee times at all the courses in your area. Thousands of courses to choose from. Your local spots will help you get a tee time with you and your boys. And after you book, you take a picture or a video on the course. You can submit it for an official review. Riggs, Frankie, Trent, Lurch. they'll review whatever picture and video you take. So you can join along with your friends and follow along with the foreplay guys.

All sorts of other cool features. There's also Barstool Golf Rewards to get free merch that'll be coming out. So download the Barstool Golf Time app today. Now available in the golf store. Am I the asshole? What do we got? Title-wise, this maybe is one of my favorite ever. We'll see how the story holds up.

But am I the asshole for no longer making my husband sandwiches to take to work after discovering that he was selling them? Female, 33. Husband, 37. Works at an advertising company. We're struggling a bit financially because we're saving up to purchase a new apartment. He is used to eating fast food, and it was costly. Costly? No and it was costly. Costly. No, it's not.

He had no problem spending money daily on fast food, and after doing the math, he spends more than $300 a month on just fast food, $20 daily. We live in an expensive area. I talked to him about it. He agreed that I would make sandwiches for him to take to work. That way he eats healthy, and we spare money for rent. Everything was going well.

I noticed he wouldn't respond when I asked whether he liked the sandwiches I make. But he kept asking me make more than two since he was hungry. Yesterday, he came home with his friend and coworker. We sat at a dinner table and the friend brought up the sandwiches I make for my husband and how delicious they are. I thanked him and then he said the price was a bit much. I was confused. I asked him to explain and he said that my husband sells the sandwiches I make to his co-workers, then goes and buys his own lunch from the restaurant.

I was stunned. My husband denied it. I began arguing with him after that, after his friend left. He said there was nothing wrong with it. I told him I will no longer be making him sandwiches if he's selling them to buy fast food. He defended himself calling this an overreaction since he's not spending money on fast food and said I was being unfair to start an argument over this. I just walked into the bedroom and stayed there.

I said I owe and then he said I owe him an apology for an argument over this. I just walked into the bedroom and stayed there. I said, I owe. And then he said, I owe him an apology for God knows what. And he didn't think that it was acceptable of me to lash out and say, I won't make sandwiches anymore. Now I was almost on his side because I was going to say, if the problem is money and he's out here hustling and selling them, then technically this is actually a stream of income. But if he's just, if it's just robbing

Peter to pay Paul and he just goes and buys food. Bro, if you're... First of all, you're kind of the asshole if you're making your husband four sandwiches every morning and being like, who's a growing boy? He just needs a fucking pound of turkey every day. You can't possibly be saving money

with that. That's not. Four sandwiches has got to be like 20 bucks a day. Motherfucker just starts reading her notes app every morning. I'll do one meatball sub with provolone. I'm going to do one Italian, extra salt, extra pepper. Old mayo, a little oil and vinegar. Like, what the fuck did you think was happening?

Four sandwiches? Look, I eat a lot, and I don't eat four sandwiches in the city. No, not at all. Well, you have three or four. I'll hit two. Don't get me wrong. I'll fucking pick out two sandwiches. Especially if we're just talking just like square bread, you know?

Yeah. Too easy. Easy peasy. Yeah. If she's making, like, heroes for him every day, it's a different story. But I think that this was a perfect – this was a business opportunity, you know, and they blew it. They're just fighting like assholes.

I mean it's not really a business. He could just be – If the person doing all the work, he reaps no benefits. That's what I mean. No, no, no. If he officially goes to work with like My Wife Sandwiches, like My Wife Sandwiches LLC, and he's selling them to the fellas on the construction site,

and she's hustling now. Then it's a business. As long as the money doesn't just all go to fast food. If you're bringing home some bacon, if you're bringing home some money for her, and that's going to the new apartment. That's when you've got to explain to her, look, babe, everyone who starts a restaurant,

they don't expect a salary for five years. I'm the employee. Yeah, I've got to get paid, but you're not. You're the owner. A couple years once we really a restaurant, they don't expect a salary for five years. So I'm the employee. Yeah, I got to get paid. But you're not. You're the owner. A couple years once we really blow up. Then you'll see a few bucks. Then you get paid back.

It is. I just can't believe. I mean, maybe this was just my experience with marriage. But it was like, if I was ever like, you going to make me lunch? Oh, my God. I mean, she was working. So I guess it's different. I'd imagine if you stay at home.

But I saw a TikTok the other day where it was a girl just sitting in bed and it was like when you get the text from him saying i like i i'm on my way home and and it's like when you have to stop doing nothing all day to go make dinner and it's like man there are people out here really just doing nothing just like okay i'll cook you a meal until it's time for dinner right i mean i mean you breakfast in the morning, I'll make you dinner when you come home, and then the eight hours in between. That's crazy. That would be hell.

That would be awful. Yeah, but I feel like there are plenty out there who love it. I guess. I don't know. It would be tough for me. I know that. In my older age. I mean, there was a time when I was, like, mid-20s that I was like, I will be a stay-at-home dad, like, gladly.

And then I had kids. And then I became a dad. And I was like, I don't want to do this at all. I want to do this. You were always, always beating that drum. That was more, though, I would still be willing to be a, like, sugar baby or whatever. I would have a sugar mama. Like, I would still be with someone who makes way more money than me oh yeah and i think i kind of conflated that with stay at home dad i don't think i realized that that means you have to take

care of the kids but if if there was no kids involved and it was just like would you would you uh but i don't know even that i feel like you know if it was like yo yo, babe, stay home and make me breakfast in the morning and dinner at night. And I go make hundreds of thousands, millions of dollars. I think I'd be like, all right, I'll do that. But I also have to do something else of my own. Yeah, but also I need to find a fucking hobby. Yeah, at least something. I got to at least like a tennis or something.

Old friends. Yeah. But that's what I mean. Or I just need a Xanax prescription and some wine. Right, right. Exactly. Like, I just need martinis for breakfast. This is fine.

Even that, as an alcoholic, I could not do. No. I'd be like, this is exhausting. Too much. Like, just wake up and start drinking. Yeah. I'd do that on a Saturday or Sunday. Right, but like an everyday occurrence.

No. Just to, like, stay level and and keep like, you know, sanity. That's called alcoholism. Yeah. It is between I really enjoy alcohol and I fucking crave it to get through the day. And I drink it in the morning. Yeah, yeah. No doubt.

That's always my saving grace where I'm like, I don't ever like find – I was talking about this the other day where I'm like, I'm never like, oh, I'm sad. I'm going to drink. Or I'm never like, well, I'm happy I'm going to drink. I'm just like, I feel like a drink. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's a good – keep it that way if you can.

Try to stay right there. And I feel like a drink more often than people do. Not. But it's never used to mask an emotion because I know it doesn't work. And I'm just like, ah, whatever. I'm in the mood for a drink. No, we mask our emotions in many other ways. Yeah. Just not with the alcohol. Like drink. No, we mask our emotions in many other ways. Yeah.

Just not with the alcohol. Like we start a podcast where we say funny things. This is my martini. This is my band. Do you ever laugh at tragedy? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I mean, speaking of laughing at tragedy, I mean, not laughing.

That text you sent earlier this week. Which one? About the kids who killed them. Oh, my God. I don't know if we can do that one, can we? Look, we're not going to say anything about it. We're just going to present you. I want people to know the story.

The story exists. Yes. Okay? I'm going to say anything about it. We're just going to present you. I want people to know the story. The story exists. Yes. Okay? I'm going to say it with a fucking straight face. No reaction. None whatsoever. No reaction. Okay?

I am not laughing at this. I'm not even going to look at the camera. I'm just going to look at the wall. It is just something. This is a fact of life. That happened. Wow. Okay.

I should know this exists. Terrible story. of life that happened wow okay i should know this exists terrible story so it is it is a brothers i believe in texas who um it's brothers in texas who um they killed their whole family and um the one of the brothers and i think i'm getting most of the story right, but whatever. One of the brothers, he put like his manifesto on Instagram, and he listed the four reasons that he, that really everybody had to die. And I'll just read it to you. On Mondays, investigators confirmed

that the younger brother had posted a suicide note on Instagram, explaining the twisted logic behind his actions. While his Instagram account has been disabled, the note was widely shared online. In it, he details four, quote, very important issues he has encountered in his life. One, difficulty getting help.

That's a serious issue. Two, people not understanding what real depression is. Serious issue. There's a lot of fake depression out there these days three the office should have ended when michael left that was a serious emotional issue for a lot of people before gun control in the u.S. is a joke. That is Justin's, like... Like, come the fuck on, man. Come the fuck on. Like, you can't fucking be that funny

in your fucking... Come the fuck on. Like, that's not fair. That's not fair to make fucking stuff like that. I have no choice but to laugh at that. I have to. That's not fair. I'm obligated to. Like fucking three serious issues and also

Michael wasn't crazy about the ending of The Office. He went on to further say like, I know a lot of people think that the finale made up for it, but let's be honest, those last few seasons were shit. Which I completely disagree with. Completely disagree with. In the moment, we've had this take with office cast members,

and I think that the last three seasons of The Office are underrated. This is what it's about, yes. This is what we should be focusing on. There are still really funny people on that show. It's not as good as the first, but if you go back and watch it, it is funny television. In the moment, the shock of losing Michael

hurt, and then it sucked. It wasn't great. I don't even think I finished it, and I'm an obvious diehard fan. I don't think I watched season 9 or whatever it was. I stuck with it for a little bit, and then I bailed. But it is funnier, and this was the problem here. He didn't give it time

to breathe. Because he finished it in February. So he went in a row where he saw the immediate dip. And if he had been like, you know what? I'm going to go back in a year or two and watch it. And he'd be like, you know what? Those are funnier than I gave him credit for. I'm not going to slaughter my family.

Maybe not everyone has to die. Maybe grandma lives. Next time I'm the asshole. Next time I'm the going to slaughter my family. Maybe not everyone has to die. Maybe grandma lives. Next Am I the Asshole. Next Am I the Asshole. Okay. Five minutes. Okay. Five minutes.

So anyway, Am I the Asshole for reading this story about a mass murder in Texas and finding out. Oh. We're going to get in trouble with this one. It's been a little while since we've been in trouble. It feels good. It's junk. Like, that's out of my hands, man.

That is objectively absurd. That's absurd to put that in there. I, like, look, it's a tragedy. It's awful. All that shit. It's absurd to put that in there and, and like fucking just show it to me and be like here's a fucking story. What do you think about this? Can't do it. Oh, come on, man.

What am I supposed to say here? As Jon said, come the fuck on. Come the fuck on. Like, come on. Come on, dude. Just fucking leave that part out. It's too absurd. What am I gonna do with that? Had it said Thrones, we gotta fucking, we thought we could see with some potty cups.

We could see eye to eye here. I'm like, you're right. Bran, I would kill everybody too. You know what? I'm going home this weekend. I got an idea. Next M.I.D. asshole. It's getting worse by the fucking second. All right.

Excuse me. God, we're going to get in trouble. Am I the asshole for not answering any contact from work while on maternity leave? I work for my cousin. We're in the same field, but he owns a business. I started working for him five years ago and worked my way up to second or third in command at his fairly small company. I took nine months of maternity leave. Let's call it a year.

How about we? I took nine months of maternity leave. Starting two weeks... Is this in America? I'm looking for an OU, but I have not seen one. So yeah, I'm going to guess America. I'm looking for an OU, but I have not seen one. So, yeah, I'm going to guess America. I took nine months of maternity leave, starting two weeks before my due date. My child is now six months old, meaning I am currently in my seventh month of leave, and I go back to work in about ten weeks. During the last seven months, there's been a few crises at work. They called me, and I fixed it.

They should not have done that. They should not have been doing this due to my maternity leave, But I didn't mention it because these were legitimate crises and crises. And most of the time it was my cousin asking. However, because I'm entering the end of my leave, I want some time to be some time completely free of work to recharge before I have to dive back in. So starting two weeks ago, I stopped answering my phone. At some point it died. So I put it in a drawer and haven't plugged it in since. I have a landline for emergencies, a laptop and keep in touch with people, and a TV for entertainment, so I'm enjoying the break from the phone without issue.

However, my cousin tried to call me about a week ago to help with a client I handle. I had passed this client on to someone else, but something went wrong. My cousin called me to help, and because I didn't answer, we lost the client. I knew their contract was up for renewal, but I didn't think there would be any issues, so I still had no reason to check my phone. My cousin has told our family what happened. He's furious with me for not having my phone turned on when I knew the client would be up for renewal. He also says that as I had been answering my phone this whole time,

I should have warned someone that I would be uncontactable. I have called the client and tried to fix it, but they already signed on with someone else. My cousin, wanting to stop this from happening again as several more clients are up for renewal in the next couple of months, has said that I have to be available for the next couple of months so he can call me if there's another issue. I have said that I'm on maternity leave, and therefore I should be left alone, so I will be leaving my phone off, and it's shitty of him to ask otherwise. My cousin said that I was being selfish and accused me of trying to fuck him over, and my mother and aunt agree with him, saying if I don't answer my phone, there may not be a company to come back to, and accused me of taking advantage of him because he's my cousin, as anyone else would have been fired over this. I have responded that my cousin can't run his own business without me, that he's incompetent and shouldn't be in charge of an omelet, let alone a company. They said that it was uncalled for and told me to switch my mobile on so he can call me if he needs, but I'm still refusing. Whoa.

A lot to unpack there. I will say this. You shouldn't have to work on your maternity leave. It can't be nine months. Well, a full year is long, but I don't, and I'm not speaking to maternity leave just to cover my bases. I'm already in trouble for this episode. I'm going to speak to vacations. Okay.

Vacations don't exist. Yeah. They're not a thing anymore. Sorry. Sorry. Not in this country. Deal with it. Like it's, and like vacation means you don't have to come into the office means you only have to do the absolute necessities

you don't have to do the bullshit you don't have to do the fucking 8 at 9 out of 5 but you are responsible for things and like if it's I don't know maybe it's just our I guess it's our generation I know my dad when we went on vacation

that shit is insane to me I'm always available I don't know. Maybe it's just our, I guess it's our generation. It's like, I know my dad, when we went on vacation, motherfucker left his phone at home. That's just insane to me. Like I, I'm, I'm always available. If there is a bad issue, if there's something bad, something wrong, something like we need to talk to a fucking advertiser because I don't know, we did something crazy with the office. Then like, yeah, I will make myself. I can take a fucking phone call no matter where the fuck I am.

It is also, it's tough when she's like, I'm hanging out, I'm watching TV. It's like maternity leave is supposed to be like, I need to nurse my baby, I need to raise the kid in the beginning. If you're just hanging out while your nine-month-old kid is probably in daycare now, I mean, that's a little bit different. Yeah, he's practicing cursive in the corner. This kid could take the call for you at this point. Like, what are we doing here?

When I say, it's not even really our generation. I'm sure it's just like, the way they've raised us. this kid could take the call for you at this point like what are we doing like i i when i say like it's not even really our generation i'm sure it's just like i know i raised us i was gonna say it's definitely us but it's also this country it's this era but i mean you know you go overseas it's like yeah we take the whole month off we just all shut down like we just nap during the day we we take six weeks vacation we you know i'm used to being like yeah no you're you're on call all the time and like right yeah but i also think when it's something like yeah we lost a client so now like everybody's like taking a pay cut or times are worse or whatever it's like just answer a fucking call right like it's yeah especially i mean if it was like work intensive to save that client but if it really

was just like just talk to them yeah just move this this thing out yeah all right just also i feel like it's crazy to just like keep calling a phone that's clearly just going right to voicemail and being like well what do we do we can't possibly get in contact with my cousin we're just gonna have to lose this client like i feel like you might have been able to contact her in another way go over to the bitch's house and knock on the door but uh i think i think it's insane to just be like i'm disconnected from the world that's that's not a thing and you can't just be disconnected or like world. Or, like, I mean, I feel like if you want to do it for, like, a week, if you're like, I'm truly going to unplug, even then it's probably like, but you can't be doing it for months at a time.

I mean, I'm here, like, no matter where the fuck I am. If there's an emergency, I'm here. Like, I don't care if I'm taking a week off. I don't care if I'm taking two weeks off. I don't care if I'm taking a year off. It is. It's just, the time is just too much for me where it's just like i get it maternity leave attorney leave it's important

you should deserve it but like a year or nine months like your company can change and like things can be different it's like i'm happy you're raising your baby but like we had to do this that this came up the pandemic happened and like yeah we couldn't just afford to be a man down. I understand that side of it, too. But I don't know what the answer is either. I guess it's just maybe have your phone on. I'm reading the replies right now. Everyone is like, he's an idiot.

I don't understand what he did. It wasn't his account. Right. It's like you were the one who worked on it. And I needed to get it. I had questions about this fucking account that I don't work for. that's it gets it's a very you know vacation and maternity were very very different so there's always going to be people who go to bat for you should be able to like raise your family and not have to but it's also like yeah but i have to take care of like my

business you know yeah i mean it's i don't i mean everyone thinks she's not the asshole, and I'm going to speak. Is that Twitter? Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. No more questions, Your Honor. We know why. It is. Everyone's like, it's not you. It's his fault.

I mean, I just feel like the boss doesn't know everything. And, like, yeah, I probably could. If I had a little more information, I probably could work this out. But your phone is in a fucking drawer dead. Right. Like, we're in 1982 right now. Right. That's not the way the world works anymore. I just have a, it like it's crazy to me when like even like out of off and i

guess it's because again we grew up not grew up but yeah yeah i mean yeah i actually literally grew up in this industry where like this industry is a little different yeah where like you always have to if i don't if i if i deem or email like I think even putting on like a, like out of office email is crazy. Right. Like I might not reply to you. I used to love, like, it's also different when you like have passion for what you're doing though. Like, like my out of office at Deloitte was like, I'm out of the office.

That's it. You know, like you used to be like, if you need to contact this person instead of that person, you know, here, you can reach me at this number. It was just like, I am not available. Right. Because I was like, I don't fucking care. But if it's something that it's like your business i could you could give me two hours on a laptop i wouldn't i don't think anybody can do that anymore because like i just won't reply to you if i'm like i'm like that's not important right but if it's like i'll tell if

it's an important email it kind of it's kind of like being like i'm on maternity leave you can't talk to me you know it's like no one speak to me. That would be hell. I'd be like, yeah. Oh, I love a little distraction. Yeah. Like, I don't know about babies and shit like that. Thank God. But it's fucking, you know, like, I don't know. I assume they sleep at some point.

At some point, you can answer a couple calls. And I'd be like, okay. Like, I got to fucking. And maybe it's even a day later. Nine months. Maybe it's even two days later where you're just like. But eventually, we'll talk to you. You find a 10-minute window where you're a little bored you know you know what i'd like to

do some adult shit right now right and i'll just reply to this email it's not like asking you to do fucking labor intensive shit i've reached out to people here before like about stuff and knowing they're on vacation sometimes i don't get they don't get back to me and i'll bitch them well they're on vacation i don't the fuck does that matter right just fucking you're now inconveniencing me in my life and everyone else here it was a question and an email

yeah just fucking get back to me just say it just respond right or even be like I don't know but at least fucking

give me an answer it's crazy I and you know I'm sure people are gonna disagree with that oh wholeheartedly

this one I can't imagine there's gonna be any disagreement this comes from goodguy3000 am I the asshole for telling my step cousin in a bikini Oh, wholehearted. This one, I can't imagine there's going to be any disagreement. This comes from GoodGuy3000. Am I the asshole for telling my step-cousin in a bikini that she was looking good? My cousin posted a few pictures on Instagram with her in a bikini. She's 21.

I'm 18 and of the opposite gender. It was her first post in a while. I commented that she was looking good. I thought it was a normal thing and everyone was saying the same thing. She DM'd me a couple hours later and we had a lengthy conversation about her problem with my comment. She said she didn't like family members looking at her like that. I responded by saying I didn't think that what I said was all bad. Am I the asshole?

She's on a private account, and she accepted me knowing who I was. Our relationship was always good, and I thought of her as a best friend. I do plan to apologize, but am I the asshole here? Is there something I'm missing? You know what? I don't think he's an asshole. I think he's like a socially miscalibrated person. Yeah.

I don't think he was like, yo, I want to fuck you. He's a little fucking pervert. I think he just is very mixed up. A very mixed up 18-year-old boy who's got a hot step-cousin. Yeah. Which that would throw me into a fucking tornado, brother. If I'm 18 years old and I've got a hot... I mean, I got non-step-cousins that used to put me in a blender.

If you give me a step-cousin, man, I'd be like, well, where's the line? Where are we really drawing the line here, okay? I'm sliding in her DMs, no problem. Step-cousin, you can bang a step-cousin. You can certainly flirt with a step-cousin. What the fuck do you think I went to family reunions for? You can't do it publicly. You can't be commenting.

You can DM her, bro. Come on, step-cousin. What does that even mean? Yeah, I don't know what step-cousin... I mean, literally, I don't know what step-cousin... Does that mean you're step-mom's siblings' kids? You could absolutely fuck that person. 100%. I would think it means... Wait, no, legitimately. absolutely fuck that person. 100%.

I would think it means... I've totally come around on this. The guy's totally fine. It's not weird to... It's weird to comment. It's weird to comment on a regular girl. I think it's a weird thing if there's a totally not related to you

in any way girl and you're just like, hey, looking good. That's creepy too. You can throw a like. I think you can slide in, girl. And you're just like, hey, looking good. Yeah. That's creepy, too. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Okay, so yes. So you can throw a like. I think you can slide in a DM. I think the comment is the problem. I don't even know. I don't throw likes to anybody. Fuck you.

No, I don't do likes either. Fuck you. I do likes when I see a friend who posted something really nice about their family. Otherwise, I'm like, eh. Yeah. I will watch your videos. I will consume your content. I will not double tap.

I don't give a fuck. Or subscribe. Yeah, so hypocritical. But the... But yeah, that's the problem. Stepcousin situation. I think it's like weird. I think it's all weird to comment on someone's body,

I guess. But not mine, it seems. Seems like everybody has no problem doing that. Seems like we haven't reached this side of the fucking pool yet. Listen to this description. The nephew or niece of someone's stepfather or stepmother, the stepson of a stepdaughter of someone's uncle or aunt,

the son or daughter of someone's stepfather. I mean, absolutely not. As soon as you said or, I was out. The nephew or, I was like, nah, we're all set on that. Just going to zone out for a second here. You can for sure bang your step-cousin. Yeah, but the commenting is weird. And I don't know.

I don't think I've ever, I mean, I'm sure ever I have, but in the new world, I don't think I've ever, like, said something, even to a friend, like, oh, you're looking good. I'll say it to guys. I'll be like, dude, what are you fucking doing? But I'm in sex these days. You got to just stop. Look at these people also ask, is it okay to marry your stepcousin?

Is it wrong to date your half-cousin? Is there such a thing as step-second cousins? Are there half-cousins? Is it okay to marry your sister? One of those things is not like the other google is like like it's if you're gonna see the google like frequently asked questions on google it would like be number one like can i put my dick in this that's number one what happens if i fuck this that that is the only like it'll be inanimate objects it'll be your fucking relatives whatever the only

thing google just gonna get so sick of of it. I don't care anymore. Just fuck whatever you want. That should be like, you know, you feel lucky. Burning from melon? I wish Google could ask questions back. Like, why do you ask? Just give me the answers, machine. You don't need to know the details of how we arrived here.

I know it's just an artificial intelligence. Can I fuck Google? It's like, ah, fuck again. All right. Let's do our ah, fuck again. All right. Let's do our voicemails, eh? Yeah. What do we got? Let's go, Jackie.

All right. Zach, Nick, Jackie, whoever's listening to this, I know I have a good question. I fucked up the wording on the last one. I'm the camp counselor one, so just hear me out. I was working at the camp council last summer, and I was trying to get with this girl I was working with, and I shot my shot at the end of the summer. It didn't work out. I was like, whatever, never going to see these people again.

I'm just going to live my life. I thought I was going to get an internship this summer. It didn't work out. Now I'm trying to get my old job back at this camp. And I actually did just found out in email. So what do I do? How do I go back to my old job with a girl who already turned me down? Peace. Just go back to fucking work, dude.

Be a fucking adult, dude. What are you talking about, you stupid asshole? Yeah. I mean, he's working at a camp, so he's a child. I'm talking about you, stupid asshole. Yeah. What? I mean, he's working at a camp, so he's a child. But I'm assuming. Yeah, like, dude, just fucking go back to work and do your job and, like, don't make it a big deal. That is some fucking what we were saying earlier about rejection. We were, like, so scared of rejection. Like, I think you just go back to work.

Like, what? You never ask a girl out in school? Yeah. It's like, do I have to transfer because she said no? It's like sometimes they say no. Sometimes they say no. And then, you know, show up and make her regret it or whatever. I don't care, but don't, like, be a weirdo about it.

Or just... Don't be like, hi, I'm back at work and I asked you out last time and you said no. Just fucking go back to work and play, like, steal the... Capture the flag or whatever the fuck you're doing at camp. Steal a bacon. Play dodgeball with kids. Yeah. That's an easy fucking question.

You go back and that girl says, like, hey, how your your your year off or whatever that was great how you doing whatever were you like super fucking weird with her or something like right you asked her out she said no and uh i mean granted you know what i'm changing my mind i would go back and i'd be like who has the audacity as one camp counselor to turn down another camp counselor for sex? It's like you're obligated to fuck if you're the camp counselor. Yeah, I've been in camp before. That's how it goes. No, that's how it should go.

It wouldn't happen for me. I'd be going on friendship dates with my camp counselors. I think I might have told this tale before. But the female camp counselors used to eat lunch with me, and they would have deep throat competitions where they'd see who could put pens further down their throats. Fucked none of them. Bro, I think

about some of the times that I whiffed on things like that. They'd be like, yo, hand me the pen. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. They'd be like, this is cool. I think Sam won that one. Eric, are you giving it a try? Fucking – fucking just sauce dripping all over my face.

You were the straightest gay best friend ever. You were the original. You were the OG. Dude, I was just like – You know what I think? Honestly, it didn't cross my mind for over ten years. Hang on. Maybe I should have made a move.

That might have been a little bit directed at me. There were other lunch tables they could have sat at. They could have just sat together and just done deep throat competitions with just two gals hanging out. There was a guy involved and he did nothing. Pretty cool, guys. You going to finish that fucking yogurt over there? I'll trade you. You wanna trade snacks?

I was a mentally disabled gay person. What are you, dumb? These girls are fucking... Those girls absolutely... You got up to go back for like seconds at camp and they were like, this guy's either retarded or gay. I came back and they're both sitting naked on a picnic table playing with their pussies. I'm like, this guy's either retarded or gay. I came back,

they're both sitting naked on a picnic table playing with their pussies. I'm like, can you guys fucking spread out a little bit? Move over. All right, all right.

Fine, Erica wins this round. Her fucking pen's deeper than her pussy. Can you fucking, I'm trying to eat you. Oh, man. Dude, I had a girl. What are you doing?

You're saying I'm on M&M's. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I mean, you said that you're the king of like missing signs, missing signals. I'm like, God damn it. Do you have the goods to prove it? Shit. Lex, stop.

What's up guys? Coop from Hoboken. So I went into Warby Parker today, had to get, do a return, yada, yada, no big deal. Went to show the guy the address i needed my new glasses sent to and it was on my phone so instead of just telling him the address i just showed him the phone it was a text message because i'm gonna be staying at a friend's house covid safe whatever but uh the last message though from that friend was how many mushrooms do you want to get? Guy looks at me, looks at the message, looks back at me.

I was like, we can just ignore that. What is the most embarrassing accidental text or accidental thing someone's ever seen on your phone? All right, hang up. Viva. God, that's a fucking good question. I would say, because I don't have anything like, you know, you were going through my camera roll and saw my dick or anything like that. The most embarrassing thing for me. Oh, people would definitely see my penis.

Yeah? That wasn't going to be my answer, though. My most embarrassed is when I have mistexted a guy with, like, something cutesy for a girl. Like, I texted my brother something, you know, hey, babe, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, we're just going to pretend this didn't happen. Like, we'll just keep it moving. I was like, yes, thank you for that. Speaking of, what the fuck was your thing?

Yeah, you texted something to the group that was like something about just the caps lock like i i i'm drinking so much i can't get my dick hard or something like that yeah yeah that's what it was yeah capital locks uh text to the group getting blackout drunk and not having to worry if your dick's gonna work or not yesterday 4 16 p.m it was like one of the things that you guys said and i was trying to caption it i was here for all this she first texted her friends the promo where you guys were saying that and then tried to text her friends in the caps lock to like make it a joke sent it to us in the group and we just melted down it was amazing it was like going home with the bros

or whatever it was or going home with the girls my friends were like you work for the douchiest company they right that should be that should be the tagline. Barstool Sports, the douchiest company. I've definitely had that one.

It's a spooky ghost picture with, I think it's a Downton Abbey actress with just a penis in her eye. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's a funny-ass picture. That's tough. That was one where it was just like, because when that first popped out, I was sending that willy-nilly. I was just sending that. It's just –

You could have just opened – It's just a microphone. You could have opened my text messages, and that was the last text I sent to everybody, including my grandma. It was just like, you guys got to see this. This is unbelievable. I must have sent that picture to 300 people. That's federal crime crime all of my friends all 300 of my best friends it was like i was like this is unbelievable this is like this is a penis

in an eye it's like he's trying to poke her in the eyeball i was gonna say skull fucker it's just she's alive and a human with eyes in you are in trouble this episode man that was not bad i know it's funny it's funny that skull fucking this chick is not even going to make it. Shit, it's a live one. Never mind. Last voicemail brought to you by Truffle, the luxury hot sauce brand that is sweeping the internet. It's truffle infused hot sauce.

So you get that. It's like a water necklace. Dude, this is like the fanciest thing that I have, period. So you've got the black truffle, if that's your scene. You've got the white truffle, if that's your scene. And then here we've got the hotter sauce, which is black truffle, but with some extra kick to it. So whatever your preference truffle-wise and whatever your preference hot sauce-wise is,

you can get down with the truff. It comes in this nice fancy box, gets delivered right to you, nice solid glass bottles, so it's high quality. Well, you know what? We're going to dabble. We're all about harmony here, black and white. The black truffle is like your typical orange hot sauce topping. This has a little more of the brown. Oh, guess oh guess what well now i'm switching over to the black all right

oh yeah you know what it's clean oh this one comes out like a hurricane let's do the hotter sauce then oh fuck me yeah i knew that was gonna happen you know what you know what is good about this hot this is good. This is good stuff. This is also, I like hot sauce that's not just hot. When it's just like, okay, you just made my food super spicy, great. When you have some taste to it, that's what I appreciate. It does have a little bit of an altering appearance to it. You know what? I'm going to say it.

It spices things up. Truff sauce. It spices things up. All right. You are a little bitch about this stuff, so you're really good at it. No, I'm good at this. I like spicy food. Apparently.

Yo, I got called a bitch for having literally the hottest hot sauce in the world and finding it hot. It was literally the hottest hot sauce in the world. That's what I mean, though. Those are too much for me, where it's just like, ugh, this is not enjoyable. See, I can do that, though. Oh, I don't even think this is as hot as the white truffle. I like... Spoiler alert. The hotter sauce

is actually more enjoyable and a little more easy than the regular one. Yeah. This one's definitely easier. Oh, hang on. Mike kicks in a little late. No, I'm in. The hotter... I hope everyone loves this fucking chewing into the microphone. My official rating here, hotter sauce is the best of the three.

Yeah? I like the, I'm going to go black truffle, white truffle, hotter. All right. I'm going to go hotter, black, white. So go to truff.com, use code KFC, and you'll get 15% off. It's coming. It's coming up. It's got some punch.

It's got some kick to it. It doesn't help that it's 1,000 degrees in this goddamn studio. Always. Always. Always. Truff.com, code KFC, 15% off plus free shipping. Get that fancy box sent to you. He's going to do one more.

He's going to do one more. What's up, everybody? I'm watching Air Force One right now. Harrison Ford, president. Great movie. My question is, who do you guys think is the best fictional president? Ford comes to mind from this movie. I'm awful at names.

But Independence Day, the guy that plays president there. I also thought of the guy from 24 in the earlier seasons. I think the insurance commercials. Yeah, I just want to hear your thoughts. Yeah, I mean, he took all the guns. It's President Whitmore. It's President Palmer. It's Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger.

Martin Sheen in The West Wing. Yeah, I mean, just because his name is Jebediah. Yeah. The, fuck, who was I going to say? Morgan Freeman in one of the Meteor movies. Morgan Freeman in all of them. The, fuck, I can't remember his name. What movie is it?

You know what movie he's in. Bethany. No, they haven't done the president yet they'll get there um i'm trying to open just this fucking hand it is unequivocally oh it's you're gonna say olympus has fallen that's that shit right president benjamin asher yeah yeah president benjamin asher is a badass motherfucker yeah who you know he boxes at camp david sick and then let me see him again because i can't picture him it's aaron eckhart yes okay um it is uh harvey dent right and uh you know his wife dies his wife is fucking what's her name famous in half a scene like you is like she's in one of those things where it's like why did you even do this role yeah it's um excuse me i think that's just strictly for like

billboards and oh it's ashley judd ashley ashley judd whacked right away sorry sorry to spoil this movie from 2005 i think yeah uh ashley judd dies in the first scene that's a big name that's some that's some ryan phillips shit i think they're like we just want to have a third star on the promos and then you don't you have to work for one day that's it yeah that one my my parents watched that show they said it was they've they very much enjoyed it yeah but there's a few flashback scenes that's it yeah it was really just like that one day of work love it um all time mail time but uh and like I mean, President Asher is not just a dedicated public servant, but also a badass motherfucker who just, like, I mean, in Olympus Has Fallen, he's pretty much like, he's pretty like, you know, he's tied up most of the time. But he's saying, he's, oh, goddamn, Kev.

He's fucking, right? They're torturing people because they're trying to get the fucking Severus code. So they can launch all the nukes just in the fucking ground and just annihilate America. And he's telling everyone because they're torturing fucking joint forces. They're torturing secretaries of state. And he's going, give them your code because they're not going to mine he wouldn't give it up for nothing nothing nothing and then they go to london oh baby in london what happens london every head of state gets killed all of them all of them all of them all of them kevin fucking presidents from everywhere killed Tilled. Not President Asher, baby. President Asher and fucking Woody Woodpecker out here.

President Asher and Mike Bannon run shit. Run shit over there. Asher's got guns. Asher's got grenades. And then guess what? When they're fucking trying to cut his head off, he doesn't even cry. I fucking... And guess what? When they're fucking trying to cut his head off, he doesn't even cry. It's actually really funny that I love those movies so much because I saw a tweet the other day. That was like, I think it was an announcement that all Chinese movie theaters are now forced to air, I think, twice a day or twice a week.

I forget. Like Chinese state propaganda films. And someone quotes. China's so fucking wacky. Well, but here's the thing. Someone quotes me and it was like, yeah, that's so fucking weird. And then it was just like the CBS rundown of the day. And it's like FBI, SWAT, FBI this, and CIS.

All like copaganda. And for someone who finds all of that so silly, I love it so much. But I think these movies are true war porn movies. Where it's just like, dude, there's a scene where fucking Mike Bannon is beating up a Muslim terrorist. And it is like laugh out loud. I'm sure there are fucking people who just fucking come into it. Mike Bannon is beating up a Muslim terrorist and like he, it is like laugh out loud. Like I'm sure there were fucking people just like fucking come into it.

But like, I think it's like, it's like, I'm like, it's laugh out loud funny where he's like, and do you know what the problem with you is? Like you, like we're not a fucking person.

You can't kill us. We're an idea. We're America. He's like, go left, right. It's obscene, but I'm like, get him, Mikey. Get America.

Get that terrorist. But I think I'm at least a little bit smarter than the average person so I can separate the two and be like, oh, this is absurd theater. Yeah, it is funny that your movie preferences are wildly different from what you believe. From my political views. Yeah, which probably should be the case. Right. Probably should be the case. Probably should not be shaped politically and socially by Olympus is falling.

By the way we should be. Take notes, America. Be more like John, which is a scary fucking thought. You're welcome. Grandma's going to die tomorrow. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life in you. It's only like this is the soundtrack to my life

The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

Uh-huh Yeah Uh-huh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Getting a little low. Yeah. Yeah.