KFC Radio - Tom Brady Fake Retires and Joe Burrow's Got Us Obsessed Ft. Kelsey Cook

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

- Adam Schefter prematurely announces that Tom Brady retired, but we are waiting to hear from Brady himself - dressing up for events that don't need to be dressed up for - Feits realizes he's pissed off the ASPCA - where is the best place to pop a pimple? - Tony Romo and his odd analysis - Jacqed Up - Bengals vs Chiefs and Rams vs 49ers - Top 5 Video games - Zack lost his phone and the rest of his life is also crumbling around him - Voicemails - Kelsey Cook interview on a m***urbating horror story, hustling people in fooseball, chasing tequila with bologna, and much more ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0:00 - Tom Brady Fake Retires 15:24 - Dressing up 26:24 - ASPCA hates Feits 30:31 - Best place to pop a pimple 35:21 - Tony Romo is struggling 38:29 - Top 5 Video Games 1:08:44 - Jacqed Up 1:14:37 - Zack Lost his phone 1:24:22 - Voicemails 1:42:39 - Kelsey Cook Interview preview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 800 Flowers: Go to https://barstool.link/1800FlowersBSS, click the radio icon, and enter code kfc. Blue Nile: Celebrate your love with jewelry from https://barstool.link/clancy Cuts Clothing : Get 15% off your first order by going to https://barstool.link/CutsClothingKFC Freshly: Right now, Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to https://barstool.link/FreshlyKFCYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Bro! This is awesome! This is awesome! I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready

I'm ready Okay. Ready? Yep. You ready? I'm ready. You ready? I'm ready. Jack's not ready. Alright. Ready? I'm ready. You ready? You ready? I'm ready. Jack's not ready. All right. You ready?

I'm ready. You ready? Are you ready? I'm fucking ready. Okay, let's go. You ready? Oh, my God. Is this like the new welcome?

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Do you guys... It's another edition of KFC Radio On the Barstool Sports Network When Kevin is out Do you guys get like Hell yeah Inexperienced babysitter

We can do whatever we want Or are you like Oh fuck Inexperienced babysitter They might kill us Like which kid are we? I get excited It's like having like

Yeah it's like having a babysitter You know you can get away with stuff Okay That's good That's the one I prefer to be But I'm also the one Who might kill you

So it is Yeah I think last time Is when you started Calling Pabst Anti-troops Pabst Yeah Got away from us Real quick

Forgot about that Anti-troops Pabst Pabst always Kneels to her in the end And it's uncontrollable Actually He uses both knees I've never seen that before

I've never seen someone Get down It's like And he plays it Is the wild part He's the one Who puts the anthem on It's like no one else

Is playing it And Pavs just Puts on the anthem And takes a knee In the middle of dinner And stuff It's wild Fuck Alright I just puts on the anthem and takes a knee in the middle of dinner and stuff. It's wild.

Fuck. All right. I guess the opening news of the day. The opening news of the day, actually, is here's what happened today. Walking to work today, I stepped in a puddle, and my shoe sock is wet. So I'm going to take it off. Oh, and you got blazers on, too. This is going to take a minute. But I'm going to take it off. Oh, and you've got blazers on too. But I'm going to feel uncomfortable doing this,

so everyone has to take off their right shoe. I'm not going to do that. Yeah, wait. Can I wear a slipper? Do you want a slipper? Nope. Everyone's going, we're going right shoe. Take your right shoe off, Zach.

Everyone's going right. When we find out online, this is actually like something that like White's premises. Yeah, it's Pat's. Pat paid me to do it. go away. When we find out online, this is actually something that white supremacists have to do. Yeah, it's bad to say. Bad to pay me to do it. Would you mind telling everyone this? Fuck, okay.

I did not think it would come up that I'm wearing low socks with fucking high tops right now. I took my sock off and everything. Jackie, take your shoe off. I'm doing the mics. What are you doing? One person? Like, come on.

Not in the foxhole with us. Jackie is what we call her. It's a mouthful. I'm so uncomfortable right now. Yeah, everyone is. Get that fucking foot out there, baby. Right foot. Everyone listen and take your fucking shoe off.

Send us pictures of you with your right shoe off. Right shoe off. If you're listening, if you're probably, we're all in this together. I got a wet foot. We all got wet feet. All right. So I am looking at stuff to talk about today. I guess the first thing would be Brady retirement.

We're not going to go too deep into it because I have respect for the man and I'm letting him announce it when he wants to then i will get i will get i will wax poetic about it i will be maybe tear up on video i will be more of a i'll be more sad about it than that moment um because i i thought on saturday saturday yeah i thought on sat. I thought that was the official announcement. I thought everything I said on that video was going to turn out to be false. No tour will happen, but he's going to have a special about it. He's going to have... Well, it's not everything.

He is going to be leading the league. He is going to win MVP. People are like, no, he's not MVP. He 100% deserves the MVP. People are saying it's Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers had a more efficient year. Number compiling fucking matters when you're talking about most valuable player. He led the league in every fucking category.

You want to give it to Aaron Rodgers for efficiency? Fine. Most valuable? Tom Brady. That's not even counting what he does in the locker room for the rest of the organization. Does postseason matter at all with MVP? That's all regular season. No.

Okay, yeah. I was going to say otherwise they might give it to Burrow just because. No, no, no. Just a regular season. Yeah, if he ends up winning, they're going to want to be like, this is our new fucking guy to, like, take this lead. Mm-mm. Yeah. But the, um, but what was I going to say?

Um, yes. So the only, the only thing that came up, I honestly, when I let, when I put that video up, I did it. The glasses thing was a joke. I did not actually think I was going to. If you're wondering why I'm wearing goggles, it's probably because I'm going to cry during this. And I'm not getting fucking Jordan memes. But Tom Brady, I'm definitely going to cry. Fuck, man.

Tom Brady is done. That was just, I didn't feel like it was cold, though. You started getting the cruel intention spit between your lips. It really started going, and I was losing it. Honestly, never in a million years did I think I was going to cry. I'm an adult man. I definitely thought you were going to cry. The way that you've talked about Tom Brady, how he's changed the Meadowlands,

and those clips, you've gone on for like five minutes. You mean Foxborough. Foxborough. Oh, yeah. I thought I got it too I was like Nick sports good job Patriot Place

Yeah there it is He built it The man built the town Yeah He built the town in Massachusetts He's an industry himself Okay But I really didn't think

I was going to cry And I did Obviously I never cry I kept It's in that weird Emotional state Where like

You are being emotional, but you also understand the absurdity of the emotions you're feeling. So I was, like, crying but also laughing, which is, I think, how most people cry. No, that's – Based on my experience. When the Cubs won the World Series, that's exactly how I was. I was just like, what's going on? Like, the fucking bar was losing their mind and shit.

Like, everyone was like that. But, like, I can't imagine with, like, Brady, who's going on? The fucking bar was losing their mind and shit. Everyone was like that. I can't imagine with Brady, who's won six for you guys. Six for us, seven total. Fucking maniac. It's insane. It's outright insane. But the best part of that day, the best part of that day was when I got to tell everybody. I told the world that Tom Brady was retiring.

It was crazy. It was erotic. That might be the best breaking news thing to tell people. Dude, in New England, on a ski mountain in New England, it was divine. It was, dude. First thing was I was in a ski mountain. I was in a lodge and i was just like fucking i just said it out loud like holy shit brady retired this mom had just been fist fighting her kid like straight up like art like it was an argument they were having an argument with each other the kid wouldn't pick up his hat and she's

like pick up your hat and he's fucking kicking his his hat. And she's like, pick it up. And he's like, fuck it. He's not saying fuck, but you know what I mean. He's fucking storming around kicking a hat, refuses to pick it up. He's like, pick up the hat, Timothy. And then I was like, oh, shit, Brady retired. She's like, what? And completely changed the whole family dynamic.

Like, Tom Brady retired? I was like, yeah, it's crazy. We talked about it a little bit. And then it was like just the fastest runs I've ever done in my life. Just trying to get back down to the lift line just to get a single again. Like just didn't even care about my family anymore. Just like, fuck it, that's it. We're just racing down the mountain from Peekaboo Street,

barreling down, getting to the lift line out of breath, getting to the lift out of breath Sitting down with a guy playing it cool It's cold out there today, huh? Yeah, it's pretty chilly You hear about Brady? He retired And they'd be like, what?

I'd be like, there it is! Oh, yeah! I feel like that's the last line of breaking news you can tell before it starts getting bad. Where it's like the death ones. I was at a dinner, one of those places where you go make fancy food when Bob Saget died. And I was at dinner with a bunch of strangers. And I'm like, I want to say it right now. I can't take that clout. I can take it why no you take it you take it in a hard because and then like

then the rest of the ride we're just talking about our favorite brady plays our favorite moments and all this crazy shit get off the lift right back down let me tell another guy it was it was it was the daytime Brady fake retired. It was one of the greatest days of my life. It was unbelievable. Unreal. Has Sheffer said anything about that? He did that night.

I actually happened to put on Kentucky-Kansas game, and the halftime report, it was Chris Fowler, I think, was interviewing him, and he was like, you know, Adam, we've got to address the elephant in the room. Do you stand by this report? And he was like, yeah, I do, Chris. We stand by it. And I said, I don't like your fucking attitude, Schefter. Yeah.

Because it's bullshit. I'm not the first person to have this take. Many people have it. There's all kinds of breaking news. Yeah. A guy like Tom Brady has earned the right to say yeah I'm done with the sport like you hear it from him don't fucking except what you got retweets out of this you have fucking retweets to I mean that doesn't do anything to affect his legacy but like

Tom Brady wanted to go out his own way and you fucking ruined that yeah that's fucked up that's fucked up to do to anybody, but particularly to Tom Brady, the guy who has built this world, the guy who, it is tough to envision the NFL without Tom Brady. Yeah. He has been the villain,

he's been the hero, he's been the wonder boy, he's been everything for the NFL, and built it to heights that were before him, not known. And you have to fucking take his retirement from him honestly Brady was probably going to do it in a way that I wouldn't have loved Brady was probably going to do it

I was going to say I could see him doing it I actually can't see him doing it while this season is still going on because he doesn't seem like he wants to steal that from anyone I think he would have went mid-summer or like two weeks after the Super Bowl I feel like I think what's happened is I think that he had a Man in the Arena bonus episode.

And Man in the Arena is his show, his series on ESPN. They did one season. They covered every – they did 10 episodes. They did 10 episodes with each episode covering a Super Bowl season. That's how many Super Bowl seasons he had. That's crazy. He had 10 Super Bowl seasons. That's seven and three, obviously, in them. But he had 10 Super Bowl season. That's how many Super Bowl seasons he had. That's crazy. He had ten Super Bowl seasons. That's seven and three, obviously, in them.

But he had ten Super Bowl seasons. Every episode covered its own fucking Super Bowl that he went to. And I think that they probably wanted him to – they probably were like, all right, we got a bonus episode. It's Tom's retirement. It's Tom's last season. And I think what happened is someone at ESPN saw that and just, like like told Schefter

Yeah, we got another episode in the tank Brady's retiring And so he's not going to go back, he's not going to come play out of spite That'd be unbelievable if he did But he's going to be done And it's going to be a pretty fucking tainted way to go out That sucks And I bet he's going to do the one year deal with the Patriots

Which I don't, I'm sorry, one deal, which is – I don't hate it. I don't despise it, but it's one of those things. It's not necessary. No. You are a Patriot for life. He's going to get retired, is that why? We don't need a piece of paper to say it. It's just like it's a little weird when people do that.

At least he didn't do the tour. The tour is – I do genuinely believe. I don't understand how anyone can do a tour of the straight face ever again. No. Because – No. Like how – you think you are more important than Tom Brady? That's who was the how anyone can do a tour of the straight face ever again. No. Because you think you are more important than Tom Brady? That's who was

the last one to do a tour. NFL players? Yeah. The last one I remember is Peyton. So did Romo do one? No. No, I don't think so. I think we were all surprised. I was like, Romo's in the booth? I could be wrong, but

I don't know. You get over there with the last one. I mean like, Rummel's in the booth? I could be wrong, but I don't know. You could over there with the last one. I mean, Jesus Christ. I do not remember who the last person was. Peyton was the last one I remembered. I don't know if there's been anyone since then. They're not as... Who was it in the NBA? Somebody won in the NBA.

D. Wade won. It was the biggest job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. D. Wade? The one I remember from the NBA is obviously Kobe did it. And then one of the greatest and meanest pieces of trash talk ever said on a basketball court was when Draymond Green said to Paul Pierce, they don't love you like Kobe, dude. They don't love you like Kobe. I think I talked about that recently for some reason. But yeah, so he won't do the tour, but I think he will retire as a Patriot.

That's what reports seem to be now. It's unnecessary. When you do those one-day deals, you're already a Patriot for life. It's just kind of goofy. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't infuriate me, but it's just like, I don't know. Does that have to do something with the Hall of Fame? Like, will they only retire as your last team?

No, I didn't think so. No, there's nothing like that. In the NFL, I don't think you retire as a team. I think baseball is the only one where you have a logo on your hat. In the NFL, it's just your bust. Gotcha. But that's that. That is the Brady whatever.

I don't know. The Brady retirement story. And it's a nice reminder that while people are active and while people are playing and alive, to make sure you give them their flowers. And that's the reason you go to 1-800-Flowers. Boom! Let's go!

I heard flowers. I'm like, you're not. Let's go! That's the reason you turn to 1-800 you're not. Let's go. That's the reason you turned to 1-800-Flowers for Valentine's Day. You're going to get the MVP now. That was fucking beautiful, John. When you need a gift guaranteed to wow, 1-800-Flowers has you covered on the best selection of Valentine's Day roses,

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to order the 18-stem rose, to order the 18-stem enchanted Rose Medley for $39.99 or upgrade to 24 Red Roses for $10 or more, go to 1-800-Flowers.com, click the radio icon, and enter code KFC. That's 1-800-Flowers.com, code KFC. I think I earned it with that segue. I will mail them to Tom Brady. You mail them to your significant other.

That's 1-800-Flowers.com. Code KFC. I have to click the radio icon. Who's living here? What? Who's living here? Oh, that's all Jackie shit. Well, I came from the airport.

Okay. And the toothbrush is yours? That's mine. Oh, that's... Okay. Wait, which toothbrush? Because I have one here, too. Multiple toothbrushes here?

All right, nice. I respect that. I was drawing it. I forgot to put it back. That was like back in Milton when Dave was convinced Lewis was living in the office because Lou had toothbrushes and Dave would come in at weird hours and Lou would be rocking out to Metallica.

Fun place. Let's see. So we are, it's obviously just me today. We did a little Brady segment there. We're going to go through a few things. And then who's our guest today? Kelsey Cook. Since it is just me, we are going to go through some things that I have written down.

A little Johnny notebook? Yeah. We got a couple of different things here today. First, I'm going to sing a song real quick. I love when you host the show. Also, this is so uncomfortable to sit with just one shoe on. I don't know what to do. Just fucking leave it out, baby.

Let that bitch hang. Hey. Okay. Just fucking leave it out, baby. Let that bitch hang. Okay, so I was just singing today, and Jackie asked me if I had written the lyrics to this or if I was making up on the spot. I just want a quick question to the listener. Which one do you think it was? By the way, before I sing this, this wasn't to Jackie.

I was just singing it to myself. Just came in, sat her in the corner. Listen to this song right now. Well, aren't you a little fat bitch? Little fat bitch. Little fat bitch. That was it. That was it.

And Jackie's like, did you write that? But also, why would you have made that up? It's weirder. What is it? That sounds like wars. It's nothing. It's nonsense. I'm sorry, you did make it up.

Oh, yeah, but no, I thought she meant like, did you write the lyrics? Oh, did you sit down? Were you making up on the spot? No, I was just fucking, well, but no, I thought she meant like, did you write the lyrics? Oh, did you sit down? Were you making up on the spot? No, I was just fucking, well, I don't do a little fat bitch, little fat bitch, little fat bitch. So just so everyone knows, I made that up. Got it. That is the beautiful lyricist of John Fidelberg. Just right off the top of the.

OK, my second thing, I'm going to the doctors today. And do you ever get dressed up? Your doctor, like your doctor? No, new doctor. Oh, yeah. That doctor was like, you might want to see another doctor. So you're starting to ask me real questions. I don't actually know any of these answers so i am seeing a new doctor today and the do you get dressed up for like someone and then in the

middle of getting dressed up you're like why the fuck or someone or something you're like why am i getting dressed up yeah therapy like yeah therapy is a good one like we're like why the fuck do i care i'm doing this on zoom i remember i dressed up for my first one i popped it on and she's like in sweats i'm like oh fuck i was like i was like i came over prepared dude i thought about my outfit and this is what i landed on um for like she had prints for like uh i don't know 45 minutes like i was like working out this morning and and I was in the shower, and then I was like, man, what am I going to wear for Dr. Tabakian? Like, it was – this is what I landed on.

This was not my first outfit choice. What else did you go through? This was – I had on my kimono. I was like, he's going to think this is ridiculous. All right. That's a good change. I don't think you can wear a kimono. I had on just a sad boy season sweatshirt with the fucking,

like where I have like kind of ripped open a little bit. And I was like, as if any of this affects how my body is, like what shape my internal organs are in. I was like, no, he's going to think I'm a drunk with that sweatshirt. No, you're going because your liver is a mess. He knows you're a drunk. Sad Boy Season is also one that I have taken off for therapy because I'm like, that seems – she's going to see it and be like, what's that?

Then I have to explain what we – we monetize seasonal affective disorder pretty much. I don't know how else to like It's like are you sad No no I'm doing good right now It is it's so weird when you hit that Where's the weirdest place you've ever like gotten dressed up for Dude I didn't I used to do it when I Back when I lived in Boston I used to Fucking do it for

I lived in on Hemingway street Over in Fenway and I Used to do it together there's right there's a over in Fenway, and I used to do it together. There's a Whole Foods right next door, and I would do it together to go to Whole Foods. But it wouldn't be just like this kind of dressed up. It would be athleisure dressed up. So I would get out of work clothes, not exercise,

put on athleisure clothes, stroll into Whole Foods like I had just done a workout. It is a problem. The power strangers hold over me. Now that you're saying it's bringing some shit back, when I was like, failed out of college, no prospects whatsoever, I would just go to the library a lot and I would dress up to go there

just in case I ran into a girl from high school. That makes sense. The library is a common area where people kind of socialize. Yeah, yeah. People don't really socialize at Whole Foods. I did see my drug dealer there once. That's probably the only person

I ever talked to. That's like seeing a teacher outside of school. What's his name? Carlos. Fucks up, Carlos, baby. How you doing, man? Carlos was a wild one. Carlos brought his kid to a drug deal once. That was wild.

Carlos tried to buy my skis off me once. You selling those? You selling the skis? No. Are you selling drugs? Can we get this part over there? Are you trying to do a trade? What's going on?

Those are worth more than what I'm going to get. And then he was so weird because his car wasn't particularly nice. And his kid was always dressed very sharp. Not always. The one time I saw his kid was dressed very sharp. Then he'd be like, yo, you want to come out on the boat this weekend? I'm like, dude, you got a boat? I thought you were a low-level drug dealer.

You got a boat, man, and you shop at a Whole Foods? I am paying you too much. You get out there. He's got one of the metal fishing boats with a trolling motor on it. Still sick. Guess who doesn't have a boat? The dude buying the drugs. You can find those on Craigslist for dirt cheap.

I looked into it at one point. Anyone got anything? During the beginning of quarantine, I was by myself down at school, only one living in my apartment, didn't see anybody for days. And then one day I go to the gas not the grocery, I go to the gas station to pick up some beer. I wore a really nice sweatshirt and the guy was like,

nice sweatshirt. I was like, fuck, that felt good. So I went back there like multiple times. Even then the bar has been razed

and I'm like, fuck, every time I go to the gas station I gotta look hot. Son of a bitch. Zach, nothing for you, huh?

No, I knew that was coming. That was easy. I never dressed up friendly once. Yeah, nothing. I knew that was coming. That was easy. I never dressed my friendly once. Yeah, KFC radio like once maybe. Like, yeah, maybe that's it. You wore the earring in here once and we just belittled you. I look hot in the earring.

And also kind of like a lesbian. Jacqueline. I mean, like when I was in college I would It was like everywhere What to go to like bars and stuff No No

When I was in college I could dress up for everything Well when we were When we were at Whistlepig She dressed up like She was going to a club To go to brunch Oh my god

It was so much I was wearing leather pants Because it was cold I forgot about that Fucking leather pants Jackie the waitress Was calling her. It was like,

it's like a warm, like, bottom garment. Pants. She called them pants. She called them pants. I'm sorry, I screwed that up.

It's like a warm bottom garment that covers all your legs. No, but like, I used to like, for the gym, like like I used to like for the gym, like I used to like put makeup on. Oh, yeah. And like and then whenever I'd go to any like whatever. Can't think of any bar. Now it's just not in the cards.

Dude, the gym was the worst because I was like of my, we've talked about this before, but like my fraternity was jacked. It's the one Caleb's done, like the most jacked fraternity in America. And my fraternity was Shred City. But I was like the Vinny Guadagino, however you pronounce his name, of my frat. Remember like in season one when he was like, yeah, well I'll go work out. And Vinny was just Clearly not in the shape That like Pauly D

And the situation And Ronnie were And it was just like He had fucking nips Popping out of his shirt And stuff And it's like Alright Vinny

Maybe you start Over at the Nautica Yeah Yeah the Nautica system Nautilus Nautilus Nautilus Nautilus

Maybe you head over there I don't think you're ready For free weights just yet Yeah Mine was like They said like And they were At the time when fucking frat dudes were cutting their t-shirts. All the way fucking down. And I just had nips pop, like fucking fat puffy nips coming out of them.

It was a really dark time in my life. We used to have those guys walk around Iowa just corn-fed boys. Just brick shithouses walk around. They literally have fun. Yeah, I was an uncrustable fed boy. I was just dough eating. My mom gave me a lot of sugar. Every year the town next to Iowa City, Solon, has Solon Beef Days.

It's a block party where they have the big thing is the hay toss where they have all the dudes pretty much all the old linemen come in and like they never win it's always just the boys that work on the farm that show up don't look like much launch these hay bales like 20 feet in the air one year my friend she was the drunk referee just like she was like a a beer girl just just setting the pole higher and higher. And some dude hit the pole, and the way it set, it ricocheted off, bounced off the rung above it, and then shot down and smacked her in the face. Did it knock any teeth out?

Did it knock any teeth out? She got a little bruise. You got a little concussion. Yeah, a little brain damage. That girl went hard in the paint. She brushed that off like it was nothing. That's why college is the best. You can get a concussion and people won't notice for a few weeks.

Yeah. Yeah, he's been drinking a lot. Okay. I think that segment is done. Next segment, We will do Oh actually you know what I forgot about Speaking of this shirt with my Thing

I have a bone to pick with Fucking Winter as a whole really As an idea No what sucks Is that it's not winter in fact It is cordless headphones. And it used to be...

You having a problem with the Bluetooth again? It don't make sense. Don't worry. No, no, that problem has not righted itself yet. No, now that I have Bluetooth headphones, I know what you're talking about. Exactly what I'm talking about. It just cuts out all the time across the streets, random streets, 23rd Street. Got to look right.

But the thing that when winter comes when that fucking bitch of winter and clothes headphones meet no one knows you're wearing headphones so everyone is always asking for stuff and it is i have my hood up can't see my headphones are in so people trying to grab you and talk to you and like're like, no, no, no. I got headphones in. Whereas in nice times, in peace times, it is people just see it and they don't bother you. People just see it and they go, okay, he's in headphones. Not going to talk to him. Yeah, things going on. I was walking the other day.

This is last week, maybe two weeks ago. I was walking. I just so happened to be in this shirt. But I had this shirt. I had a hoodie under it. I had a hood up. I had headphones in. I was walking.

I was walking by those guys On the street corner Who fucking Ask you for stuff Yeah Not homeless people The other ones And they had like The orange fucking thing on

Oh yeah Like trying to get Through the signs Like hey man You got a minute You got a minute Yeah And I kind of made eye contact

Because like you can tell The body language When someone's talking to you Yeah Despite the fact That he had a mask on So I kind of made eye contact, and then I was like, wait, John, don't look.

You have headphones on. You're fucking good. Keep going. So I keep walking by him, and headphones don't block out everything, so you still hear noises. And I just hear the guy go, yeah, nice fucking shirt. And I was like, oh, man. Come on, man.

Come on, dude. That was fucking mean. I think it's ASPCA. Is that something? Yeah. What is that? It's the American. It's something about animals.

Oh, yeah. No, that adds up. That adds up a lot. Yep. You not signing that makes sense. Oh, wow. That makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense then.

This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real. American society. If I had fucking known what ASPCA meant. Prevention of cruelty to animals. Bro, wait. See if they're on the door. I want to make sure this is definitely them, and I'm not putting it together wrong.

The orange makes sense. It's in their logo. Yeah. Oh, no. I would have stopped and told the guy. No, he had like an orange vest on. Also, like, in 2022. I guess that's like what.

Is he thinking that's real, though? Yeah, dude. I just stopped and told him the shit ain't real. I didn't kill a fucking cheetah. The fuck, dude. Do you think I'm walking around? I looked homeless aside from that. He had a $17,000 shirt on.

I'm going to see what this shirt's made out of. If we end up finding out this is actually a Chia. No, it's not real. Man, I definitely would have told him. Fuck, now I feel really bad. Made in China. Here it is. I can see if he bothered you anymore, though, you would have told him it's real.

Nice fucking shirt. 79% polyester,% wool 9% acrylic 1% polyamide Something like that 0% cheetah Or whatever This is supposed to be Wow

That makes so much Fuck That's funny I thought it was I thought it was funny I thought you were just Being mean to me He thought it was funny

Because he thought I was slaughtering baby animals with my clothes. All right. That makes a lot more sense. I wonder if they target people wearing animal print more than... Nice fucking shirt. All right, dude. You're going to have a heart attack if you walked into my living room.

Do you want my rug, by the way, to match that? No, I like to have sex with women, dude. You can blend in though camouflage i'm gonna have a conversation every time what's this rug uh my roommate where's he it's a whole thing all right last thing before we go move on to uh something else Something else. Where, and I should have asked you all this beforehand, but I didn't, so suck it. Where is the best place to have a pimple to pop? Oh, like on your body? Yeah.

I was going to say that. I was about to say in the mirror. Best location popping spot. What are you fucking making a face for? Pals was quick. I'm like, give me palpables quick right here on the chest the chest is a good way you look you look in the mirror to pop a chest pimple oh I look down the barrel yeah I look fucking boom right here. I want to see I want to look at its eyes while it dies Like it was fucking cheetah Jacqueline with your horrified face

Mmm, I would just say forehead Forehead but like with the pimple poppers. What's that like what was fucking me you squeeze into it? No Like a tool? You use a tool? It's like a tool. Nah, bullshit. Fuck that. Why fuck that?

Nah. It's like olden times. If you want to eat an animal, you got to kill yourself. You want to fucking pop a pimple. You don't fucking get a gun. You fucking use your own hands and you strangle it to death. No, no. It makes it... That looks like the shit that we have for the clay.

Yeah. Oh, no. Fuck this. It's just disgusting. You use this stuff? Why are you so against it? You're gross. You, no. Fuck this. This is disgusting. You use this stuff? Why are you so against it? You're gross. You're gross.

Why are you so against it? You stab yourself in the face with this shit and then fucking. No, I don't stab myself. It's like you. You try. Try it. No. Try it.

Refuse. Dude, my phone. I enjoy it. Like, I want. I know Kevin's a big, like, I don't want to see other people do it, but I like popping my own pimples. Kevin constantly is holding his camera up to, like, or his phone up to these cameras where it's just the most disgusting fucking, like. No, no, no.

It's not even a pimple anymore. It's, like, a cyst that they're, like, it looks like they're pulling bandages out of. He owes me 40 bucks. Oh, yeah, he does owe you 40 bucks for watching one of those. That's disgusting. I mean, so you perform minor surgeries on yourself to pop a pimple? No. Why not? You're using a yourself to pop a pimple? No. Why not?

You're using a tool to do a medical function. I mean, I guess you could put it like that, but it's not like mini-surgery. I don't know. It's mini-cosmetic surgery. Yeah, it's a lot like that. Jackie, when people ask you if you have any work done, you honestly have to answer yes from now on. Well, no, I have. Yeah.

I do. I mean, my lips also. Well, my lips also. my lips also uh yes we could forget um the uh you best place yeah i was gonna go chest as well just because like i mean like if it's on your face then that could be like a whole problem because then it could just be like stay there like afterwards but then also like i've had like not recently, but, like, on, like, your thigh, it, like, hurts doing it. Have you ever had one? I have, yeah.

It's, like, tight skin. It's, like, not enough, like, skin around it. Oh, you got to really pinch yourself. So it's, like, you got to pinch, and it fucking, it, like, it pops, but it hurts. You ever get it when you fucking hear it actually pop? Yes. That shit is fire. Yeah.

That shit's, like, shooting a.50 caliber. Fucking murder this thing when it starts to bleed, too. Yeah. Yeah. You. I think chess is the best, but I used to fucking, dude, I used to get them here where it was bad, and I just got a down where I could just fucking nail that and be done with it. And just fire a couple off?

No. No, but when I was probably in sixth grade, it would be like three in a row, I'd just bam, bam, bam. Like, fucking get that shit. You got that AK? Yeah, fucking get that shit out of here. What made you think of this? I got one onto my armpit this morning.

The armpit's a fucking good one. The armpit, you don't like it? No, I don't think I've had one. Oh, yeah. See, that's when the tools come in handy because you can't use your hands. Oh, no, I took care of it. Because the armpit gets, it's like meaty, right? You get an armpit pimple, and it's fucking like, you get like a fistful of armpit to pop it.

It's like, you know what I mean? Like the underarm fat. Grabbing a chicken breast. Yeah, the whole fucking thing. pop it. It's like... You know what I mean? Like the underarm fat. Grabbing a chicken breast. Yeah, the whole fucking thing. Yeah! It was sick. It was... I don't get them often, but when I do, I'm like...

Is that... Am I a little irritated? Oh, yeah. I am. Time to go take a shower. Gotta do it in the shower. Well, just like it's like, I guess I could take my shirt off, but it usually happens in the shower. It's a nice fucking armpimp. All right.

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So, go to, again, that's 3Chi.com, the number 3, C-H-I dot com, and use promo code KFCRADIO to take 5% off your purchase. Again, it must be $21 to purchase. All right, so yesterday, part of my take actually talked about it a little bit with kind of the downfall of Tony Romo because that's what America is.

America likes to build something up and then tear it down, as you've heard 10 billion times over. I am enjoying watching it happen to the Kansas City Chiefs because guess what, fucking people from Kansas City, it's fun to win. People don't tell you about the other stuff. You get jealous of the winning. People don't tell you about how every day you wake up, people fucking despise you.

People hate you because they want to be you. People hate you because you have a good quarterback. People hate you because you have a good football team. People hate your quarterback's wife. Giselle had to deal with it for a while. Her husband cannot throw and catch the fucking football. Okay? Now you're learning.

Now you see why it's so fucking hard every single day to go out to be a champion. And Tony Romo's learning the same thing. Tony Romo has, again, this is part of my take, that there's been a bit of a, what is it, the shine's coming off? Shine's coming off the something is the phrase? Yeah, no, it is. The shine's coming off uh the something is the phrase yeah no it is yep the shine's coming off to something um and uh romo had the the most incredible thing he did was he won obviously

botched the let the chief score that was a pretty big botch job botch that's a botch job speaking of toes uh and then he fucked up I mean he didn't fuck up He ended up being right But the Bengals were on the 35 yard line Maybe even further back And he was like I can't believe the Bengals Are going to the Super Bowl

What are you talking about Tony It was in all probability that's what was going to happen They were going to go to the Super Bowl But Tony was just screaming About I can't. They were going to go to the Super Bowl. But Tony was just screaming about, I can't believe they're banging on the Super Bowl. Like, it wasn't an easy field goal. They ended up getting more yards. It ended up being a rather easy field goal.

But it was exceptionally premature. And it was almost like he was trying to jinx the game. It was like he was attempting to become the most hated person in the history of Cincinnati because people would have murdered him. Yeah. They eat fucking chili and spaghetti over there. They'll fucking kill a commentator. Was that at the end of the fourth or that was in overtime?

That was in overtime. Okay, yeah, right before they kicked it. He was saying let the Chiefs score in the fourth, but the saying that they was on their way to the Super Bowl, that was in overtime. That was crazy talent. He also could not really wrap his mind around a Halo video game. He was incapable of.

In fact, I'm using words here and stuttering over words, because at the end of the game, I think people had already switched it over to the other game, to the Rams fucking Niners game. But at the end of the game, as the CBS broadcast was closing, Jim Nance said something to the effect of, that was amazing. And Tony Romo replied to the effect of, that was amazing. And Tony Romo replied, amazing, Jim, that was improbable.

And that is like a downgrade in a word. Yeah, absolutely. Threat level red, that's threat level yellow. You're making it less important. The amazing win versus, that was an improbable win. That's like, alright, man.

They don't mean the same thing. Amazing, was an improbable win that's like all right man like they don't mean the same thing there is a make amazing that was improbable okay you're making it less impressive or less outrageous what I don't whatever you want to define amazing as but anyway so what we're gonna do is we're gonna do top five video games I will probably not be very good at this because I am not a fucking nerd oh this is my bread and butter the we will go you three can all pair together any of you guys like gamer heads

I used to when I was like in high school probably but that's something I wouldn't say Tetris that would have been a good pick too bad you were getting third pick

no that was a real solid one alright you can't do that Nick I will let you start off I'm going Crash Bandicoot 2 Crash like for PlayStation

is that what you played on YouTube the other day yeah did you play YouTube this weekend I did not I wanted to I fucking

I had my roommate's birthday and then I had to recover from that for a day. Nick has been streaming on KFC Radio, so make sure you go subscribe to the KFC Radio YouTube. I'm not fighting the rest of the gamers here about it. You want to prove the point that not all drama is interesting? Yep. We can have drama that no one cares about. But, yes, Nick will be streaming on KC Radio YouTube, so check that out. Crash Bandicoot, good choice.

Yeah, that was PlayStation when they first came out. That was like their flagship game, I feel like, and that was one that. That was PlayStation. Yeah. PS1, right? PS1. Well, that was PlayStation 1, not PS1. One of those different things?

No, it's the same thing. PS1 was like the mini version? Yeah, when they came out with PS2, they created that mini version because the old ones used to break over time. So they came out with the compact version. But that game I could play night and day, anytime, and I fucking love it.

I remember my fucking broke friend's parents got him PS1 when PS2 came out, and he was so pumped. I had to slash got to break the news to him that that's not the one, bro. Yeah. Like, oh, no, that's not. They're like, we got you a PS1. He's like, well. You're going to be disappointed.

My first overall pick, Jackie, give me a T. Shut up. Give me a T. No. Twisted Metal. No. Fuck, I forgot about Twisted Metal. Twisted Metal was that shit.

Dude, when you used to drive the bus and that thing just massacred people. Dude, the bus, the ice cream truck, Axl. That was, I'd say that's probably my favorite video game of all time. Yeah, John, that's why you took it number one. Twisted Metal was fucking fine. Does that exist on Xbox? I think it does. So a lot of the PlayStation games are now available.

Like Crash Bandicoot I got on Xbox. A lot of that stuff is now available the graphics updated or yeah they went through and they like they didn't go crazy where it's like overly real they just made it so it's good for hdtv now and it's it's awesome all right i might i might fuck around and figure out twist of metal was that was like one of the first rated m games and it was like it was definitely the first rated game i played yeah that's i remember my mom found that out and was like one of the first rated M games. It was definitely the first rated M game I had played. Yeah. I remember my mom found that out and was like, oh, you can't play that. So our cousin would sneak it over and we'd be like in the middle of the night playing it.

And it was, I don't know, did they like swear or anything? I feel like Axl swore that could be deep-seated racism. But like, I don't know. I feel like Axl, the man fucking like surgically attached to two giant tires was pretty pissed off. Yeah. Like the whole time. It didn't have anything to do with the game.

It's just like, this fucking sucks. But yeah, I remember when that came out. I think it was mainly because, you know, you're teaching people to just blow up cars and run through them. So that's probably. It was, it was a great, great game. I don't want little kids doing that, but as a little kid, it was awesome. It's also one of those ones, you can't really inspire a kid to blow up a car.

Yeah, right. You had to inspire a middle-aged man, young 20s to, what do you think your car bombing ages are? Car bombing and suicide bombing, we'll open them together. Say about 18, 25? 19, 25? I think they'll get you a little younger. Nah, I think...

We're in the Barstool Sports age range, really. Yeah. Our demo. Our demo. Anyone who's got one fucking sock off right now, how old are you? Did you ever have a friend that... How easily are you fucking radicalized?

Did you ever have a friend that had – How easily are you fucking radicalized? Did you ever have a friend that had, like, the anarchist cookbook? No, I've heard of it, by the way. Yeah, it's, like, super banned, but they're, like – I knew a kid, the smartest kid we knew, like, went and, like, got a perfect on his ACT and shit. For some reason, he had one, and he was a good friend of mine, and I made sure to keep him a good friend. But that thing was fucking – yeah, it just taught you how to make a car bomb and it was it's really

easy yeah it's pretty easy to blow shit up yeah the that's actually one of my favorite uh jokes in new girl because it lulls you to sleep with it's like oh this is a lame joke when nick thinks he's dying and he's like i didn't have time to clear my browser history and you're like uh gonna do a porn thing and then he, I wasn't trying to build a bomb. Yeah. I was just curious. All right, what do you guys got? I'm going to go GTA Vice City.

What did you just let, you just let yourself get walked all over? I know, I know. Well, I didn't even, like, we didn't discuss. I didn't say what you guys all get. Well, you guys are a team. You guys are a three team here.

No, give me a team. Tetris. All right, Tetris. Good pick. What's your high score on that? I don't think my high score's gotten any better. 120, 126-something. 126-something?

I think I'm, like, 60,000 still. I don't think. Jackie also plays all day every day, so yeah. Jackie's like, I could turn the mics on or play Tetris. What's my high score right now? Hold on. I honestly don't even know

how to check. Like, how do I check what my high score is? You play. I gotta play? Nah, I'm not gonna do that. It's like $60,000. It's not as good as yours. You're better than me. Alright, Nick. Pick two. Super Smash Bros. do that. It's like $60,000. It's not as good as yours. You're better than me. All right, Nick, pick two. Super Smash Bros. Melee. It was the version for GameCube. For me, it was like the first game.

I saved up to buy a GameCube in order to get that, like saving like quarters as like a fucking kid. What were you doing for jobs for this? I would just pretty much just beg my parents to pay me for shit. They would give me a dollar here or there, and I had birthday money, Christmas money, all that saved up to be able to get it. But that game, I think it's the best version of that.

They started getting really crazy with it, adding they have the fucking Smash Ball or something that comes through now that you do a super attack. That one was just always my favorite to play. It was before it got too... Was this Super Smash Bros. Melee? Yeah. Was that the one with, like, the fucking...

I'm just going to describe every Smash Bros. game, so I can't get more specific. Yeah, no, it was everyone fighting. It was the GameCube version. Wii's when it started getting to be a little bit much. I never played it on Wii, so then we're talking about the same version. Yeah.

Okay, my second pick is going to be... Mario Kart. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I'm winning so far, just so everyone knows. You guys. Mario Kart was, by the way, I mean, that was like.

That's still. I'm going to try and earnestly answer this in my, probably the five games I've played the most often. So my most playing time of a game. Because I don't have a lot of them. So I think that would be Twisted Metal number one. I would think that... This was like in high school in the dorm. Super Smash Bros. made Friends. Where it was, I feel like, Madden ruined Friends. Yeah, definitely. I think Super Smash Bros. made Friends. Yeah. Where it was, I feel like Madden ruined Friends.

Yeah, definitely. I think Super Smash Bros. started Friends. I guess you can say this about all video games, just depending on your experiences, but I found the Mario Kart to be more communal, and everyone was like, okay, yeah, everyone come over, let's play. Whereas I found Madden to be like, is Tim there like okay yeah everyone come over let's play whereas i found

madden to be like is tim there i'm not fucking coming i'm not coming because he's too good at madden or he's too bad at madden or they had a bad game last time people hated me for madden because i wouldn't play like i was playing football i would play to win the video game where i would fake punt pass on second down because it fucking worked every time because nobody was lined up for it like i would do that kind of shit where it would just – Pretty smart. Oh, it was – I don't understand how it works, but if it worked, it's pretty smart.

Yeah, it would just throw off their defense completely, and then you'd have a guy open downfield, throw Hail Mary. I'm glad we're bringing up Madden here, and I want to just preemptively say I want this clip because I feel like I've done this before. Maybe we didn't clip it, but I want to fucking preemptively say, I want this clip. Because I feel like I've done this before. Maybe we didn't clip it. But I want to fucking rant about this again. I don't know what year they fixed it.

But for years, Madden, you could not run a curl route. And it would infuriate me. Because they did not respect the fucking forward progress of the ball. When you'd run a curl route, and then you'd fucking catch it, and the game wasn't fast enough, so you'd be hammering down, so he'd turn around to run upfield, but he wouldn't, and he'd run like six yards back, and you'd like

lose yardage on a fucking curl route that was completed for nine yards. It was fucking insane. And it went for years! It wasn't just a one-time thing, it was years and years and years of this, where the fucking game wouldn't fix a curl route. I think, honestly, that's the time I lost my belief in God. I hated that so much because I love the curl route.

Curl route is what I would run. That's like eight yards, turn around, catch. That's fucking my bread and butter. I'm a curl route guy. So I'd be like, yeah, run a curl route like route like you do john and they fucking would lose yardage every time and it made me lose my religion because i disrespected that game and its creators with such a burning passion that i hope they are dead in hell what's your guys pick one more thing on mario kart too have you ever played or ever heard of beerio kart no? No, yeah. Yeah, that's another great reason for Mario Kart.

You have to basically chug a beer before you start the race, or you have to finish the beer before you start, like, before the end of the race or whatever. Before it ends. Yeah, but, like, you cannot move while you're chugging the beer. Yeah, you're not allowed to drink and drive. Oh, good twist. I like that. It's great because, like, when they came out with the Wii version, I was like,

oh, I'm going to eat fucking cake at this. I could one-hand this shit all day. And my friends are like, no, you can't. That's not. I'm like, oh, come on. Oh, that was when I was playing video games on YouTube. The number one request was all of us doing a Mario Kart tournament. Okay.

Yeah, we'll definitely do that. Subscribe to YouTube. That'll be $110,000. I do think $100,000. My mom still doesn't know 110,000 followers. I do think 100,000 followers. My mom still doesn't know about it yet, but I do think we will get her on. Once we hit 100,000 subscribers, I do believe my mom will come on. That's going to be amazing. All right.

Pick three. Pick two. Wii Sports. Just Wii Sports? Wii Sports? Wii Sports. What's your next pick? Sega?

Wii Sports is his own video game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not hard. It's got bowling, baseball. It's a pretty nice pick. You know what? That's one of those picks. That's one of those things where you get the air hockey and the pool table and all these

tables in one and it all fucking sucks. That's that pick. That's not true. I got all the games and none of them are good. I also threw up my elbow playing Wii Tennis in college, so that was great. You got an actual tennis elbow from first world reality? Literally, I was like, because the quicker you do it, right,

if you go quicker, then it goes faster in the game, as opposed to taking a full swing. So it's just like a quick one of these. See, you can hear my elbow cracking. That's disgusting. Yeah, so I literally threw it out. I was in pain. It screeches. You'd be like, ah! Pabst, you put your shoe back on? Oh, you. That's disgusting. Yeah, so I literally threw it out. I was in pain. It screeched.

You should be like, ah! Pabst, can you put your shoe back on? Oh, my bad. What the fuck is that? What kind of animal just puts his shoe back on in the middle of a no-shoe episode? I'm pretty comfortable now. I think I got to go both shoes off or else it feels weird, I feel like. Oh, yeah, no.

I like how it feels. It does feel weird. Also, what's wrong with you? No, no, no. We were told to shoot. I have a lot wrong with me. Why? Well, you guys had a pick that was not allowed, so Jackie picked Tetris.

Yeah. Then you just didn't take that pick. Well, no, I know, but then we figured we'd just go down the line. I'm just being a team player, and you're not going to take mine anyways, so it doesn't matter. Well, no, I am going to take yours. All right, fine. Go for it. Do it. I have another one anyway. I absolutely am being a team player. And you're not going to take mine anyways, so it doesn't matter. Well, no, I am going to take yours. Alright, fine. Go for it. Do it. I have another one anyway. I absolutely am going to take yours. Go for it.

Okay. That's fine. So you guys have Tetris and Wii Sports. Okay. Third one, I'm going Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Oh, that's a good pick! That's the first one I'm missing where I'm like, fuck it, I wish I had that. One of the best soundtracks of any game. They have the Spotify playlist

It's awesome Lagwagon Madden did have good music for a while too But fucking That's a fucking good pick My number three is going to be That's actually the only game I play I still can't figure out how to beat it

I played it a little bit during the Oh did you get the remastered Tony Hawk 1, 2? I think I just got Tony Hawk Pro... I don't know. Xbox One, Tony Hawk Pro Skater. So that's the original three. It has all three of them in there. And I think you have to play through... Unnecessary, because I can't beat the first episode.

Level. I do remember you doing that on the Yule Log. Yeah. That was great. Unfortunate. Trying to find Skate. Can't find it. Can't find the E. My pick, number three, is going to be Grand Theft Auto Log. Yeah. That was great. Unfortunate. Trying to find Skate. Can't find it. Can't find the E. My pick number three is going to be Grand Theft Auto 5. Yeah.

Is that San Andreas? No. Vice City. Vice City. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. You stole it.

That's the one, yeah. Okay. I wasn't allowed to play it as a kid, so I thought it was the coolest thing because my brother played it. Oh, yeah.

But that was the first time because they had strippers that were fully topless in it and then you could just go and light people up and you had like all the cheat codes murder those strippers yeah oh i 100 did that i said a dead tits yeah my aunt and uncle my aunt and uncle who are not much older than us uh you like live tits? Let me tell you about dead tits. Dude, my uncle taught me. You tell me you haven't seen the opening scene of fucking The Nice Guys? Misty Mountains?

I said dead tits there. My uncle was the one that taught me that you could invite hookers into your car and then kill them and get your money back. It's a nice life lesson. I'm like, look him back. All right, Steve, can we go back up to Thanksgiving? My mom knows where I am.

I get why my mom doesn't want me playing this game now. Yeah, that was the best. The second most fun thing, aside from getting five stars in Grand Theft Auto, was just obeying laws. It's a quite interesting juxtaposition and dichotomy. Stopping at a stoplight. The duality of man, I bet you will. It's like, I want to cause chaos.

But also, I'm fine staying between the lines. Hands on ten and two. All right, let's pick three. Am I gone? Sure. I'm going to go Halo 3. We talked about Halo a little bit at the beginning of this. Halo 3 was like a defining.

That was the only game any of me and my friends played from like 6th grade to like 10th grade. It was just constant. That was like the first time I could talk to my friends online and shit. That game was epic in my mind, and it's a great game. Wait. Sorry. Halo 3? Halo 3. Dude, I never did Halo.

I never had Xbox. I was a PS guy. I never did Halo. By the time I got Xbox, it was kind of past that. It was into, like, Modern Warfare. It was also you could show your friends who had, like, PS3 instead, and you were like, ha-ha, I can play this instead, and you can't. It was great.

It was really just bullying. I just enjoyed bullying other kids. That's where you got your joy from? Oh, yeah. I love being exclusive. We had a guy that missed. I think he failed out of school because he missed two or three weeks because he stayed home and played Halo 3. Well, I think his mom kept writing him notes being like, oh, yeah, he's so sick right now.

And everyone's like, that motherfucker's playing Halo right now. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, and I don't think he was that good, which is really a shame. Because, like, if you're going to stay home for three weeks was that good, which is really a shame. Because, like, if you're going to stay home for three weeks, fucking get a little good at the game.

That's fucking dope. I like that guy. The, okay, is it pick four? Yeah. Pick four. I am going to go Modern Warfare 2. That was the first

online game I played. And I got good enough at it that, like, I never got the fucking nuke. I had a buddy who got the nuke, which was unreal. Like, back when that would happen. I never got the fucking nuke I had a buddy who got the nuke which was unreal like back when that would happen I never played Modern Warfare

either that's the wait it's Call of Duty Modern Warfare Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 so Call of Duty is a offshoot? Call of Duty is the overarching brand yeah yeah that's the whole franchise so Call of Duty is

Penn and Call of Duty and Modern Warfare is Barstool Sports. Yeah. Sort of. If there was like a Barstool 2. Okay. I get it. That's also the game with the most fucked up

level ever where in the beginning they're like, hey, if you want to skip this, skip now. It's where you literally shoot up a whole airport. Hell yeah. Just like a bunch of innocent civilians. And then, yeah, it's real fucked up. It's a good story, though.

It sounds it. Sounds fucking sick, dude. Fuck, I just saw like five more games. Okay, so I will go with my number, was it four? Four. Four. My number four, if everyone's doing, if we're going to go in order with fucking talk to your friends games, my first one was SOCOM Navy Seals.

Oh, shit. Like on PlayStation? Yeah, bro. SOCOM, we had like the, we didn't have those fucking fancy headphones you kids got these days. We had just a little dainty. One of those ones with like the metal strip that like barely is about as thick as this fucking thing is, and it would get destroyed. So my roommate in college actually gave me that.

He, like, came down with the whole bucket, and we tried to set it up. Like, no one was online. Like, I definitely wish that I hit that face. SOCOM US Navy SEALs is where I learned every fucked up part about me. Like, just, like,

just people would say, if you think, if you think fucking gaming now has an idea of being like, bullies, and people say racist and mean shit, SOCOM Navy SEALs

was, I, I, I, Mogadishu. Like, on a million levels, I just watched Black Hawk Down

the it was the things that were said were horrifying I like I can't even give you an example because I blacked them out I

I repressed them into memory because it was like I've been playing with friends and I'm like oh my god dude we're at seven. Did you have gamer tags back then?

Or was that pre- Nine, maybe. I don't know. I was probably like fifth grade. No, we had gamer tags. Okay, yeah. So that's probably, it wasn't censored at all back then.

No, there was no censoring. I remember- Again, if you think this is, we are in kindergarten compared to what used to be said. What year did it come out? 2002. 2002, so I would have been,

oh, I was older than I thought then. I was about 13. Okay,, I was older than I thought then. I was 13. Okay, so I was older than I thought. But it is... I guess I was a little pussy 13-year-old then. I remember the first guy I ever knew that got his gamer tag suspended. His name was SwaggerXKush420.

Swagger. And he had just got, like... His mom his mom just bought like the year package or whatever for online and within a day he was suspended and like mom i need you to buy it again because they won't give it back to me and like it's like why it's like my name was swagger x kush 420 i can't that's a suspendable name i know yeah anything Anything with weed I guess they kind of, they'll strike out. They might be more last. God damn, Tipper Gore. No, not Tipper Gore. Nancy Reagan.

Fucking Nancy Reagan. That dick sucking bitch. Okay. You guys, four. Do you guys have one? Club Penguin. I like that. That's actually a pretty good pick.

That's actually a pretty good pick. What's Club Penguin? What? Stool Team 6, RIP, was playing Club Penguin during the lockdown. Club Penguin had, like, a resurgence when COVID hit again. This rings a bell now. It did ring a bell now that I'm seeing it. I can picture it. It was like an online Sims

kind of, right? It's so much better than Sims. It's ridiculous. It's an all-time game. What do you do? You just live? You're a penguin. I put that one together. I get why you think you have to hold my hand through stuff

But that one That one I handled It was yeah There were like mini games and stuff you could play You could chat with people and stuff like that Oh yeah I remember It was a way to hit on strangers on the internet That's exactly what I did

I went 100% No I was doing straight stuff on Club Penguin. You were doing straight stuff on Club Penguin? I was still straight. Oh, yeah. Get out of town. You were hitting

on chicks on Club Penguin? Oh, yeah. No, it was almost 100% another, like you always say, with like, it was definitely another dude on like AIM. This was 100%

Oh, so I thought you were using that as like a ruse to, are you just logging into you? Yeah. I was just going to make us a KC Radio Penguin. Oh, okay.

I thought you were just logging into yours. I was like, I'll show you. I've been around for seven years. I'm the wizard now. Can you name that Morty the Third? Yeah. So you – but I thought you were using it as like a – I talk to chicks.

I'm too scared at recess. I'll talk to one club penguin. Oh, no, not the same one. No, like random strangers. Random strangers. Yeah, exactly what your parents would do. A lot of other dudes pretend to be chicks. I'm too scared at recess. I'll talk to one club penguin. Oh, no, not the same one. Random strangers. A lot of other dudes pretend to be chicks. That's what Zach found out he was gay. Okay, it is. That's a good pick. I guess it seems to be

a good pick. I gotta go for a sport game. Chell. Chell is... Once they added in like the stick controls, I think that just took it to a new level. It did, a level I couldn't play anymore. Yeah, and like once – that's another one where I found like if you go across the middle, you do a little cross with the stick and fucking put it up left.

It scores almost every time. And my brother – I've gotten that man to smash so many controllers in my life. He got a brand-new one once. This was a different hockey game. NHL rocked the rink. I just worked him in it the first night we got it, and he took his controller and just smashed it on the ground. I still hold it as, like, my best moments.

The NHL stuff, like, where they had the codes were always so funny. People were like, here's a code. If you're in on 2-1-0, pass it across the crease right before, score every time. Yeah, that's just hockey. Yeah. There are other ones where there are codes. I think there's one where if you cross the blue line,

cut across the middle, rip the slap shot from the point or from the blue line, I think that would go in a lot. But that's obviously – that doesn't happen in real life very often. But, like, if you're on 2-on-0 and make the goalie move, crease to crease, post to post, you're in trouble. What was a slugfest version of NHL? Because that game was fucking amazing. Oh, my God.

I didn't play many sports games. I played NHL. Hits 2003. That was it. Oh, oh, oh. I was saying blitz, yes. I considered saying hits. Hits 2003. That was it. Oh, oh, oh. I was saying Blitz. Yes. I considered saying Hits.

Hits was fine. Hits, if you do the spin move against the goalie and then just reshot it in, it would score every single time as long as you came in diagonal. And we did that in college. We played a whole season. And we had like our whole house was the team and stuff. Really? Yeah, dude.

It was awesome. I might go fucking buy a PlayStation 2. This is going to put me in debt a little. It's going to be great. Okay, my number five. Brick Breaker. Nice. That counts?

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, that counts. Brick Breaker. Brick Breaker. On the iPod Then I lied No on my Blackberry Oh shit

Yeah on the fucking Berry kit Yeah yeah yeah That's the only place I ever played Brick Breaker On an iPod Nah cause Once you had the ball

You can't play it Another way On an iPod What do you do You rotate the wheel Oh no no no I never played that Yeah no that's

Snake would've been A good one too Snake was fucking Had many But Snake was so... Had many. But Snake was so fucking dope, I didn't even have a Nokia. And I used to fucking, like, ask friends if we could play with theirs for a little while. Yeah.

The, um... That and, uh... What do you call it? What are the ringtones? Oh, Sandstorm? No, but, like, you used to create it. Whatever. Fuck it. Fuck Nokia.

Uh, what's your five? Uh... I think we're gonna go NCAA football. Oh! Fuck it. Fuck Nokia. What's your five? I think we're going to go NCAA football. Oh, great answer. Great answer. I mean, everyone's obviously clamoring for it back. It's coming back like next year, I think, or whatever. Just an all-time game. I won like the national championship with Navy running the triple option, I think.

It was so much fucking fun, dude. You know what's going to be awesome about when these lists come out? People are going to read the first four and be like, oh, they must have been no sports. And then the fifths are like, oh, no, they allowed sports. They just didn't pick them until last pick. No, and honestly, like, that just – I didn't play many sports games. I don't navigate to sports games that much.

I played sports. People take them too seriously. Those were the games that, like, that one asshole in your friend group just ruined it for everybody. That's what I mean. Matt and you would have, like, full-on fist fights friend group just ruined it for everybody. That's what I mean. Matt and me would have, like, full-on fist fights. I don't want to do this. This isn't fun. Let's just go home and play SOCOM and say the N-word.

I had Guitar Hero. I wanted to throw out there. I was going to throw out the pinball game on school computers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't even think about that. We could use, like, Golden Tee. Honestly, fucking M't even think about that. We could use like Golden Tee. Honestly, fucking Minesweeper, I love. I'd still want to play that one.

Once I figure that one out, like, love playing that. God. I used to be a huge fucking nerd in video games. I got to get back into it. Used to be. Yeah. All right, that's it for top fives. We are going to get into now.

We're going to get into what everyone came to this fucking show for. Time to get jacked up. Jacked up! Jacked up! Jacked up is brought to you by Blue Nile. Earlier, we got you with the flowers. Call that the foreplay. Foreplay.

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You want to get earrings. You want to get necklaces. I recommend don't get rings, okay, unless it's an engagement ring because I one time had a girlfriend who I got her a ring, and she was like, oh, my God, no, no, no. That's not a joke. That did not deserve that amount of laughter. Only get the ring if you're getting the ring.

Yeah, it was like, we were in a fight at the time. It was a Christmas present. And she was like, no, no, no. And I was like, what are you talking about? And she's like, I can't marry you. And I was like, we're sophomores in college. What are you talking about, marriage? What does the ring look like? It's just like a fucking, I think it marry you. And I was like, we're sophomores in college. What are you talking about, marriage? What does the ring look like?

It's just like a fucking – I think it matched like a bracelet she had. It might have been like a bangle. It was a bangle thing. No. No. I don't know. Will you ask me what the ring was like? I don't know.

My mom told me – my mom picked that up because she had a – this girlfriend, she had a bracelet that matched it, I think, if I remember correctly. Those are called bangles, right? Well, that's like one – that's a – Yeah. Okay, so it matched her bangle then. Okay,, if I'm remembering correctly. Those are called bangles, right? Well, that's, like, one of, that's a... Okay, so it matched her bangle, then. Okay, yeah. I don't know, it was a fucking ring, dude. And it was like, and it was like, it was

wrapped in Christmas paper, and I was like, here, and that's not how people propose. Why would you think that's a proposal? Just here. Merry Christmas. I said we were in a fight. It was a mess But darn it

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today. And since Kevin isn't here, I will tell you guys a little surprise that Blue Nile is hooking us up with. Engagement rings. They are getting me and Kevin engagement rings. Kevin doesn't know it yet. Kevin

might not be thrilled about the idea that he's getting married again. But he is. I'm telling you, that paper up there, I think, counts. You could go to a court and be like, in front of a bunch of people, a man who is a reverend married us, and we signed this piece of paper. Kevin, we got the fucking jewelry to prove it, bro. We got it at piece of paper. And like Kevin. Kevin. We got the fucking jewelry to prove it, bro.

We got it. BlueNile.com. Thank you. I'm just slowly moving in. Jacqueline. We have done a good amount of football talk today. So we don't have to do. We don't have to stress you out anymore than you need to.

So you can chill. But you still have to get jacked up. So you can chill. But get jacked up. But take can chill, but get jacked up. But take it easy. But get jacked up! Wait, uh. But relax.

What do you mean? But chill out, dude. But get jacked up! But am I talking about football? Hell yeah, you're talking about football, dude. I won't even talk about football. I just want to know how hot Joe Burrow is. Oh my god, you guys.

The cigar? This thing? I don't know what that is. So hot. Oh my god. And guys. The cigar? This thing? I don't know what that is. So hot. Oh my god. And I didn't realize it. I would have gone into football so much longer if I had realized how... Whatever, whatever. But then, also, they were losing, right?

Bengals were losing? Yeah. And I never lost faith in him. And I never lost faith in the Bengals as a new supporter. And they ended up coming up from behind and then they won. Naturally. So they're going to He is. He is. You're obsessed too, right?

I'm not throwing the old word just yet. If Tom Brady retires on his own time, there will be a new person for me to be obsessed with. I've not made that decision just yet. But there is someone who looks like he could be coming for the throne, and that's Joe Burrow.

I've made my decision. I'm upset. It is. I mean, I've been a big fan of Joe Burrow. Joe Burrow was weird. He was part of the Dad of Miami. Very cool even then. He was at Rough and Rowdy when he was a very chill guy.

He just won a national championship. You'd think that's when he's going crazy. He was cool under pressure then. But watching that game yesterday, I haven't watched a ton of Bengals games this year. Watching that Bengals game yesterday was a he is that dude moment. He is Azora's eye, as I always pronounce. He is the prince who was promised. And this is what you say about every young quarterback.

It was said about Mahomes. It is, he's a bad man. He is a fucking bad man. Between him and Josh Allen, I tweeted it last week. Like, they're getting me, like, I've been out, like, not really following football that much lately because the Bears suck. I'm not getting my hopes up for that dog shit again. But, like, those two being, like, the young bucks that are fucking slinging it, I want to follow every week.

I want to get back into it. And the fact that we almost got the two hottest dudes in the NFL in the Super Bowl, we were this close. The thing about watching Joe Burrow play, and everyone compares him to their quarterback, right? Everyone's like, oh, he reminds me of so-and-so, he reminds me of so-and-so. He definitely reminds me of Tom Brady. Where it is he has a desire and a will to win that is palpable to the viewer.

Where it is like, I am going to get this first down, I'm going to complete this pass, I'm going to complete this drive, or I'm going to die. There is no option to. Especially doesn't his own line kind of suck? They are not particularly good, which is a bit of a danger going into Aaron Donald. But that's beside the point. The point is that he is a freak.

And, like, in every possible good way where he's just – and also, by the way, I do – everyone's giving him credit for something with his answer to the necklace where he's like, yeah, I'd make too much money if these would be fake. I still subscribe to the Ocho Cinco train of thought on that. Where Ocho Cinco, when he was on the original Hard Knocks back on the

Bangles back in, fuck, I don't even know what year that was, and he went jewelry shopping, and he did it at a uh, nope, at a what's it, what is it? What's it called? Claire's, Claire's. He did it at Claire's. Got his diamonds at Claire's, and when pressed about it, he said,

everyone knows I'm rich. Why do I need to wear real diamonds to prove it? And I think that's a good fucking point. I think if everyone knows, if your fucking financial, well, your yearly income is public, you don't need to get diamonds to prove that, yeah, I'm rich. No, you know I'm rich, rich man this is just part of my look yeah I think that's I think that

is very I think I think Joe Barrow is exceptionally cool I think he's getting too much credit for that one because I think fucking I think it's cool to wear it I think it was also cool that he had like real diamonds and he was like they're both cool there's no losing on that one as far as I'm concerned there's no losing argument but yeah he's the best I'm sorry to interrupt

I mean I didn't other than 49ers rams um i thought again i like kind of root for the 49ers so wanted them to win and then they were winning and i was like for sure that they were gonna win and then at the end there jimmy, he kind of, like, fucked up. Yeah. Like, he just didn't. And I know that in soccer when you're, like, you have the ball and you're, like, you know you have to get it out and you're waiting and you're looking around,

but just you can't do anything and then you just do, like, a random. And I get it and I feel him, but he just has to, like, not do that. I honestly couldn't have said it better. Yeah. Like, I understand pressure. I honestly couldn't have said it better. I understand pressure. I understand stress. But you just can't do that. Not like that, Jimmy.

He is too pretty to go out that way. But he's not going to be fucking $12, $15, $20 million a year to go. I think someone on Twitter yesterday said he's just going to become pretty Ryan Fitzpatrick,

which isn't such a bad life. What is Ryan Fitzpatrick? You kind of become like a bridge quarterback. You go play for teams who aren't willing to invest heavily in a quarterback, and they'll give you, you know, it would be considered heavily in every other field in the world, but they're not willing to invest heavily in a quarterback. They don't have their guy yet. So he's going to go be someone who, you know, he's okay.

You're not going to be terrible. You're not going to have the first pick in the draft with him. You're not going to have the last pick in the draft with him. You're going to be a middle-of-the-road team until they find their quarterback. That's what Jimmy Grapple's going to be about. You'll make a ton of money going to local places and doing commercial spots for them. It'll make a ton of money playing quarterback for them. You'll be the quarterback.

It will just be, you know, it's probably about it. But it's not such a bad life making $20 million and being a hot dude. Yeah. It's pretty good. If I could take it, I'd do it. And that's it. Wow. I didn't even think about that.

Quick jacked up today. We only had two games. And that was jacked up! I'm in a bit of a predicament right now. I really have to pee, but I don't want to put my shoe on. I got a slipper over here. Yeah, slipper. Perfect. I can't film a TikTok.

Yeah, I'm glad we bring these up. I almost made it. Yeah, so we're Almost on voicemails So I mean we were close Close I actually only have I gotta leave in like

Probably 20 minutes But we'll get it in The I have 30 minutes So we have I got two things I want to say real quick Yeah

One I saw a play This weekend Or Last week Called American Utopia And it's David Byrne It's Talking Heads It's fantastic It's a great visual experience It's going off Broadway a play this weekend or last week called American Utopia.

And it's David Byrne's Talking Heads. It's fantastic. It's a great visual experience. It's going off Broadway like next week, so you're not going to see it. So it's not an ad. I think they filmed it. I want to say they filmed it. I think my mom was saying she thinks it's on Netflix too. Yeah, it might not be there.

They have Broadway.com has their own streaming platform, so it might be on there. I accidentally paid after Hamilton came out, I subscribed to that, and then I paid for it for two years and didn't watch a fucking thing. So it might be on there. So Dave Bird, Talking Heads, he's telling a story about – he has a song called Everybody's Coming to My House. And it is – there was an elementary school choir in Chicago, I believe, who covered it as part of some kind of national choir programming thing. there was a elementary school choir in Chicago, I believe,

who covered it as part of some kind of national choir programming thing. And he said it was very beautiful to him to see it because they didn't change a single word in the song. But the chorus goes something to the effect that everybody's coming to my house and I'm never going to be alone. Everybody's coming to my house and they're never going home. And as he tells it it is uh when he sings it it is saying like everybody's coming to my house and i'm never gonna be alone everybody's coming to my house and they're never going home and he says i sing it in a rather

oh this is dreadful way because i'm me but But he said when the kids sang it, it was elation and they were all happy and like, all my friends are coming over. And he said he found it to be a very interesting juxtaposition. And then he says, but I'm here tonight and I'm the Chicago Choir, so you're getting my version. And I thought that was just a very KFC Radio West moment. I was like, it would be nice to be better and happier, but this is who you got. So this is what you get.

And the second thing I have just to discuss before we get to voicemails. Our social guy, Zach, has not filmed anything in this episode so far. I don't know if he's sent tweets. Perhaps he

has, perhaps he hasn't. He hasn't had a phone since when, Zach? Saturday night. It's Monday. It is Monday. There was nothing. The problem is the problem was I did not only so I had the thing on the back that carries your ID and credit cards and stuff. So not only did I lose my phone.

I don't understand that. Why do people do that? You're betting so heavy that you're not going to lose your phone, and you've lost. You're not wrong. But I have never lost – I've lost a wallet. Whenever I've carried a wallet, I've lost my wallet like 100 times. I've never lost my phone because it's like the one thing, obviously, that I need in my life for just my general life and my job. And so I don't know what exactly happened.

I think it was – I wasn't even drunk. That's what – I really wish I could be like, oh, I was fucked up. I don't know what exactly happened. I think it was, I wasn't even drunk. That's what I really wish I could be like, Oh, it's fucked up. I don't know what happened. It was like going to the pregame. And I just like, I think I tried to jump over a snowbank or something. It fell on my jacket pocket. And so I couldn't, I can't,

I couldn't get money yesterday because the banks weren't open and I couldn't access anything because I didn't have any of my passwords because it's all on my phone. And I, yeah, I mean, I get it. I get how,

well, it's, it's such a disaster to lose anything in this life.'m not not anything right it's really it's your credit cards because then you have to go into your phone and you have to change all your fucking credit cards and then when you lose your phone you have to change all your shit too but i don't know where i was going with that one um but the i just don't i don't get the double piece i i don't know like your excuses – and not that I fucking care, but like they all make perfect sense. It sucks. You have to get so much stuff. And I just – that's why I don't get why you'd risk it. Well, I also can't even get a debit card right now because I went to go try to get a new one from the guy, and then he said –

What do you mean the guy? From like the guy. Who's your debit card? I tried to go to Bank of America, and the guy was like, I can't do it in person. You have to go online. I was like, cool. Went online. They said,

you're not eligible to do it online. You have to go into a branch. So I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? So I have no access to money. I got $200 out, so I have a little bit of cash, but no money,

no phone. I like to apologize. There's a guy in the street. I happened to run by him when I was running. I ran home to get my other ID and my Vax card because I still wanted to go out with my friends and i did um so you went home i went i don't have my mask i gotta go home again yes no literally because i had your other like another

idea i had like i i had lost an id so then i had ended up having two ids so i got a new one found the old one uh you get carded where do you go well it's like well i was going to like it was like kind of like an event like we bought like $10 tickets or something like that. At Whistlepig, they thought he was under 21. Yeah, they thought I was I don't know how you felt that. But yeah, some guy in the street I was running by and I hear, yo KFC!

And I like turned around and I'm like I'm in my fucking mesh shirt with a jean jacket and like ripped pants. I'm like trying to run. Bro, this is a snowstorm night? Yes! Gays don't give to run. Bro, this is a snowstorm night? Yes. Yeah. God, gays don't give a fuck. No, bro. And so I'm, like, I love how you –

Gays and hoes are, like, I don't give a shit. The nibs are coming. If I'm coming, the nibs are coming. I got a text that night from Tyler O'Day, and I'm, like, what is – I'm, like, why is O'Day texting me right now? And it's, hey, it's Zach. I lost my phone. Like, tell the team I apologize.

But, yeah, no, I hear, yo, KFC, I turn around. He's like, you're like Zach? And I was like, yeah, sorry, dude. Like, thanks for listening or whatever. And I had to run away. And I was like, like jumping the turnstile and shit. Yeah, I was brutal. But shout out to that guy.

Jumping the turnstile? I was jumping turnstiles. I haven't paid for a subway yet. I don't have any money, John. What do you mean? How many subways have you taken? You live not far from me. I had to go down. No, I moved. Oh, okay. So I had to take this.

You lost your phone on the same street? No, I lost it in Union Square, which by the way, then yesterday I went up there. Oh, yeah. True. But I went up yesterday to go look for it again because it said it was still there and whatever. Couldn't find it, obviously. And apparently this woman also called Pabst that has, yeah. But I went up yesterday to go look for it again because it said it was still there and whatever. Couldn't find it, obviously.

And apparently this woman also called Pabst that has my phone. What is she trying to hold you ransom for? I don't know. And then I tried to go back home and tried to take the 6th downtown, but apparently it was the express train. So then I ended up down and way down in Lower Manhattan. I had no idea where I was. So I had to try to find my way back up from there.

Oh, boy. Lower Manhattan. Well, no. Like, I went down., like, I went down to, like. God, you made it out, Zach. I went down to, like. They got some diagonal streets down there. I went to, like, skip my stop, and I was like, well, I don't know where I'm going, so we're just going to have to keep going.

So, yeah, it was a good time. Great weekend for Zach. She called me, whoever has her phone, whoever has Zach's phone, and she was just like, 14th Street. Is this all she said? So I headed down to 14th street I'm halfway down they're calling her

no answer no answer it's dead I'm like I'm gonna go to 14th street to really look for a phone right now did you do that I was halfway there

and I was like and then I was just there's not gonna like what am I gonna do dude I like how you're fucking right or not Jackie wouldn't even take her shoe off

Fabs gets a phone call 14th street he's gotta just fucking close it he's out the door did you question it for a second he's like alright here we go Zask gets a phone call at 14th Street. He's got his fucking clothes on. He's out the door. Did you question him for a second? He's like, all right, here we go.

Yeah, if you see less stuff on our story, that's probably why. But I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. You'll still get content, I guess. I'll toss some shit up. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Okay, so now it is time for voicemails. Before we get into our interview with Kelsey Cook, voicemails are brought to you by my favorite t-shirt company in the history of the land outside of Barstool Sports.

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The chicken guy from back in the day. Go way back. I got married about a year before KFC. Got divorced about a year before KFC. I got divorced about a year before KFC. I got out scot-free. No kids, no debt, no assets. You know, split assets, nothing like that.

But I had let her convince me to getting 30 fucking fancy-ass chickens back in the day. Oh, fuck. No. I'm stuck with them. Divorced chickens? They're geriatric. They don't fucking lay anymore. They just eat food.

Worst thing that I've got to deal with at this point. I'm afraid I'm about to watch a snuff film right now. I feel like it's not that bad, but I think that could be worse things. What's the worst thing you've ever been stuck with after a relationship or a marriage? Kids and STDs don't count. Cheers, boys. Bro! This is awesome. This is awesome!

This is awesome! I'm sure it's awesome. Do you think she knew, like, this is probably going to end, so I'm just going to convince him to get 30 chickens right now and stick them to him? I wouldn't put it past someone. That is...

If she did that, that would be one of the greatest fuck you out the doors yeah i've ever heard of in my entire life that is un i mean that was an awesome voicemail those chickens are adorable i'm gonna say that jackie you think what i'm thinking i'm thinking what you're thinking yeah we get some of those yeah we get like like you're looking to unload them right like they're like um i don't they're geriatric. No, I think that's a plus.

Because then they don't weigh eggs. I think that we want the eggs. We want eggs? Yeah. Farm fresh eggs. Yeah. Make some mommies. Some omelets.

Some mommies. Some mommies. Okay. Alright, so maybe we'll get some live ones. We'll probably get none, if we're being totally honest here. But the follow-through isn't our best thing. There is an argument to be made. Nah, there isn't.

Never mind. I was going to say this guy made out worse than Kevin, but that's not true. Yeah, no. I mean, because guess what? You can just close the door. Yeah. That's as big as this problem is This guy tosses some feet

And closes the door No you don't even have to do that Just close the door And that problem ceases to exist Just gotta go in a week later Clean it out Yeah Go in a week later

Pick up 30 dead chicken bodies Now you have a shed But like That problem stops With a door closed I think you got 29 dead chicken bodies. Now you have a shed. But that problem stops with a door close. I think you've got 29 dead chicken bodies, and you've got one big fucking chicken in there. I think real quick they're turning on each other. I am king of out of sight, out of mind.

I don't know what kind of noise a dead chicken, dying chicken makes, what kind of squawking goes on. But I invest in a pair of bows, and that problem ceases to exist. Yeah. It is. It's all. I actually think this looks cool as hell. I think it sucks.

It seems like he's super miserable about it. I think if you could make, I don't know, fucking teriyaki chicken on a chicken house is that you can tell ladies about this. Like, yeah, my goddamn ex-wife, she tried to kill them all. She tried to drown them in a tub. She was like, if you won't get me kids to do this too, I'm going to do it to chickens. And I was like, I came in there and I rescued them. I tried to give them to farms, but they're geriatric.

They don't want them. The farms were going to kill them. I had to save them. I divorced her. I tried to give them to farms, but they're geriatric. They don't want them. The farms were going to kill them. I had to save them. A divorcer. Now I take care of these geriatric chickens that just do fucking nothing, really, with their whole day. They don't even. What have you. Could you.

I don't think this is a dumb question. Could you house break chickens? I think so. We kind of did. You house broke chickens. And after the chicken voicemail, it's taking you until now to bring up – Well, no. You're house-broken chickens.

I thought that you were – well, actually, I think my great-grandparents actually did have chickens in the fucking house, which was strange. But my neighbors have the chickens, like, in their coop in their backyard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just, like, wander into our house and, and like jump up on the couch and like just get pet and then leave. And I think my dad feeds him shit. I don't know exactly what. Bro, this is awesome.

Yeah, dude. Can we get one of your chickens that seem housebroken? And did we just- Technically, they're my neighbor's chickens. And I think I told Gavin recently- They can be potty trained? Yeah. Bro, let's get a fucking potty trained chicken in here.

This is... Jackie's got a potty trained, but yeah. No, I'm not doing that. In, what was it? I think kindergarten, we had like a class chicken and everybody got to take them home except for me because they like didn't trust me. So this is getting back at that.

Yeah, let's kill one and get back at him. So that's also insane that at age five we'll call it, they were like there's no way this girl's responsible enough for a chicken and there's no way the folks

who raised her are responsible enough for it. Because no one, no five or six year old isold is responsible for a chicken. But they could tell by your actions that your parents weren't people to be trusted with a chicken. And so they took me to a pet shop just to have the kind of equivalent. But not at all? No, not at all. Not at all.

Anyway, so this can come in handy. Did you guys ever have class pets? We never had that. I never had one. Never had a class pet. We're going to have to do this voicemail again with Kevin because I feel like Kevin's going to have a lot to say. I think that this can be a positive.

This sounds fun to me. Again, and if it's not fun, just close the door until they all die and then get a big broom. You guys want to go to a chicken farm? Dump the chicken? All right. Needs some vlog material.

Next voicemail. What's up, guys? Down in my garage looking for some tools and stuff, and we got this paint stack here. We just moved in in July. Previous owner left that. So, yeah, I get to the top of this stack here, and what do I find?

Whoops. Fucking sword. Wait, what does that handle about? I found a sword in my garage. A little concerned about that, but I guess cool finding. So my question is, what's the weirdest thing that you found? Completely not intending to find that thing, but you found it.

A sword? My parents' sex board game. Found it in my dad's. I was older, too. I don't think it was in my dad's closet looking for car keys. This doesn't get me in a clip. I don't think I was in my parents' closet. I was in their closet, my dad's closet, looking for maybe a set of his car keys, his spare

keys. I forget. I was looking for something. I was just moving around with sweaters and shit. It was just a sex board game. I can't tell you any more details on that because I was like

just quickly was like ah never mind. But it was definitely like some kind I think it was like one of those things like dice like touch here

and then you roll the other dice and it's like a body part. That was that's something. Like poison on my tongue. We found at my buddy's place, he had a single mom. I don't know why he was going through her drawers, but he found her fucking drawer of goodies.

Bro, okay, I have a question here. When I was a kid. He stole a bowl that was shaped like a dick out of it. It was that. Oh, a weed bowl. Yeah, there was a weed bowl. He's like, oh, I'll take that. I'm like, dude, you just went next to one weird place to store all that.

But, yeah. It was an inefficiently shaped bowl. Yeah, dude, when I was in middle school, maybe the end of elementary school, I think I invented dildos because of my friends. Go on. So, I went to his house before a baseball game, and his mom came down, his mom who was divorced, came down and gave me a water bottle. We both needed water bottles for our baseball game.

He had a regular water bottle. I had a water bottle that was like, it was like one of those kind of like almost old school. It was big here, and then it had like a long arm, like almost like a long straw, a long thick straw that comes off it. Jackie's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I never have I seen it more clear like, mm and i remember i was sucking it i was a kid i was young i was like sucking the straw and i was like i bet my friend's divorced mom fucks this. I was like, she doesn't get... I was too young to know what vibrators and dildos were. And I was like, I bet she doesn't...

She's a divorced woman, so she doesn't have a husband. So she doesn't get fucked. Because that's the only way people get fucked. So she must use... I bet she uses something like this to fuck herself. Yeah. I don't know my age. I'd say, I'm sure she was seven.

But I was young. Right now, you guys get so lucky sometimes. You are listening to a podcast by the inventor of dildos. Pretty fucking cool. Someone invented it before me, but I invented it before I heard of it. So I'm still technically the inventor. My mind came up with it. You didn't tell anybody about it? I didn't know how I heard of it. So I'm still technically the inventor. Like, my mind came up with it. You didn't tell anybody about it?

I didn't know how to monetize it. I thought they'd kill me. They'd be like, this kid's a pervert. This kid fucks water bottles. Lemonade dildo stand. I'm refraining from using their government names, but I remember whose car I was in when I invented dildos. I obviously didn't invent dildos,

but I have a mind that could. I created them, but I had never heard of a dildo before. I was like, this is something I'd fuck a pussy with. That's definitely how the first one got created, too. Like a divorce? No, just that same thought process. Somebody had something, and they're just like,

I bet they fucked them with this. You tried this yet? Bet she needs dick. Fucking fuck this. That is – oh, yeah, what's – anyone else have something good? Again, this is – Oh, I've also – I've told the story of the Indian head, Native American head. Oh.

Huh? The haunting thing? Yeah. the haunting was a pretty good one the haunting was a good find that's something i accidentally found well my friend accidentally found and then i almost killed him with it i don't remember this all right is this recently i i will i will give the fast forward version um oh boy yeah i will give the very fast forward version. The, so I, my buddy found an Indian, a Native American statue, and put it in his room,

and said that night that he had heard the chants of dead Native Americans. So he went and threw it back into the abandoned house that he had found it in. John Feidelberg hears that story, and he's weeping through tears. Not really,berg hears that story and he's weeping

through tears. Not really, but he was kind of rattled. He was like, that fucked up, man. It bothered me. And I was like, where is that abandoned house again? So I went back and got the statue with every intention of putting it back in his apartment. In his bedroom. I was in high school at the time. I could drive, but I was young.

So I drove back, get to the statue, go to my... on my way to his house. My mom calls me. My sister needs a ride. I'm from Boston. So I was like, all right, never mind. Drive in the car,

car accident before I even get to Boston. So now I'm like, oh, shit, kind of a little bit of a haunting there. But the statue stays with the car

while it's in the shop, comes back, parked in the garage. I'm like going to the car. I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right, I forgot about the statue stays with the car while it's in the shop comes back, park it in the garage I'm like going to the car I'm like oh fuck that's right I forgot about the statue so I leave it there days go by weeks go by, I think maybe years go by and my buddy finally comes back over

and I was like by the way look what I have and I throw it to him and he's like whoa whoa whoa freaks out, falls into a saw slices his hand open and then we were like this thing might be fucked up let's get rid of it I throw it to him, and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, freaks out, falls into a saw, slices his hand open, and then we were like, this thing might be fucked up. Let's get rid of it. Whoa.

Whoa. Do you still got this? No. No. No. No, because my parents have moved. My parents are in the same house. There's maybe a chance.

John, this could be what we finally monetize. Fucking monetize curses, baby. There is. There is. That was a scary one. There actually even might have been another incident in there between the car accident and the stitches in the hand. But it was involved in a couple of precarious situations. Jesus. All right. I have six minutes.

Last voicemail. Let's go. Hey, what's up? First time, long time. First of all, I'm the one with the dating app idea, and you should at least give me credit or, like, find me a boyfriend, like, KFC bachelorette style. Like, come on, let's go.

Second of all, so I've always said that, like, I'm going to call myself at any minor inconvenience, but it's progressively gotten worse over the last four years that I've started to listen to you guys. So much so that my therapist has made me make up a code word as to when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Naturally, it's pineapple. When I'm not being serious, I have to say pineapple.

But this is for everyone but KFC and fights. What's the worst bad habit or anything that you've picked up from them too over the time that you've worked there? Oh, my god. That fucking is awesome. It's so sick. The fact that

her code word is pineapple, which is Kevin's breakup. Chelsea, you are the best. We're going to have to find Chelsea a boyfriend. Because by the way, when Chelsea first came on screen, just send him a pineapple. Wow. Chelsea, you are the best. We're going to have to find Chelsea a boyfriend. Because, by the way, when Chelsea first came on the screen, I almost went, stop. So Chelsea's boyfriend worthy.

Everyone's boyfriend worthy. That was mean of me to say. But this isn't for me. So I don't know. What do you guys have? Do you guys have any off the top? I'm trying to think of. Wait. Any bad habits you picked up from this program?

Zach's eyes widened a bit. I think I said cunt when I was home for the holidays. I said cunt to my mom this weekend. I just said it to one of my best friends who does not like the word cunt. She said something. I go, no, you dumb cunt. And she went, what? And I went, I just

slipped out so easily. I'm so sorry. Just to be clear, I didn't call my mother a cunt. We were talking about how we were watching a British show, and they said that word a lot. And I was like, yeah, they love cunt over there. So I just said it out loud. I think I called a guy a cunt.

I only ever called a woman a cunt. Well, I'm sure I have, but, you know. Was that a fucking laugh? I don't know. Zach calls me a cunt. I call you a dumb bitch more than a cunt. It's probably been said. All right, so again, this one's not for me.

I could, it's like one of those things where once you start joking about it and saying it, it becomes more and more real. So everything has – it's like everything has – anything, any bad habit I've given you has been a habit that has gotten worse than me. So we're all in this together. I think turning dark stories immediately into a joke. Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm hoping this doctor's visit goes bad today. Yeah.

Just so we're clear, guys. I have about four minutes now. If he's like, you're dying, I have our full plan ready to go. So we're all set on that one. You're going to come back and fucking, let's go. All right. t-shirts. Oh, our tour is the fucking I'm dying tour. I was going to say, you think Brady's not having a farewell tour.

You are. Yes, there will be a national tour, the fucking I'm dying tour, where we'll go everywhere. And I don't know. I figure if I am dying, I got at least a couple of months before things get hairy, before I lose a bunch of weight. Let's go.

So we'll be able to get plenty of stuff in. But I do have to go see that doctor right now. So this is over. Time for the interview. I'm going to cut this before tomorrow.

We'll see if this actually makes it out. No, no. This stays in no matter what. Okay. This stays in, particularly if it's bad. This stays in.

If it's good, who cares? But if it's bad, it definitely stays. That's like everything, everything I've ever said is that it stays, stays. Like when I'm like,

I want this thing where like if I die young, make sure you have this clip of me being happy. Fuck, that goes out. Parents aren't going to like it. Tell them to deal with it. Anyway, this episode or this interview is brought to you by Freshly.

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Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to Freshly.com slash KFC. That's $40 off at Freshly.com slash KFC. One minute early. Fucking nailed it, guys. Nice. We've got Kelsey Cook on the show And she just said She came from

Are you garbage And Proudly A member of the Card carrying member Of the trash community Proud trash Yeah

Proud white trash Through and through I was definitely trash I don't think I was Overwhelmingly trash But I was trash John was one of their favorites Because he came in

Being like I am fucking high society You guys And like within two questions They're like You're the trashiest person we've ever had on the show. Are you crazy? Yeah, I was kind of bummed because they told me I was trash at the end, but they said they knew within the first 10 seconds. I was like, fuck, I feel so lied to. They just were continuing the conversation, but they knew right away.

By look or by your first couple answers? I think the first one. I would not look and be like, oh. This shirt is from American Eagle, which I feel like. Oh, no! Never mind! Never mind! The fact that I'm still

going into a mall. Yeah, I'm wearing Eric Postel pants today. Are you an American Eagle shirt at the mall? Listen. What are you talking about? We got to get this. We got to get your money up, girl.

Come on. Everybody go download the show right now. Come on. Listen. American Eagle and Abercrombie have made a comeback. And I will say American Eagle sponsored my podcast Self-Helpless. So I was sent a gift card by them. I mean, what am I going to not get going? that's a very good that's also that's classy now yeah that's American Eagles

not touching this podcast I know that just just say outright this tank tops forever 21 like listen I know what's the other one? Like Wet Seal or something like that? Oh, Wet Seal. Pac Sun. Yeah, it's the same shit. I never heard of Wet Seal. I was a Pac Sun kid. Wet Seal was garbage. Yeah. It was such. See, this is what I mean.

I'm classy. I never even heard of Wet Seal. I mean, I always thought about like, what a name, Wet Seal. Like, of course you're garbage. Yeah. Does that mean something I don't know about? It absolutely sounds like it's a name for a vagina. I know I'm wearing hoops, but they would be the type of hoops at Wet Seal that would say, like, baby girl in the middle.

Kelsey across the chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's my kind of gal growing up. Puerto Rican girls with the push-down hair. Like the baby hairs glued to their foreheads. It looks like they have a gorilla glue and just fucking... Oh, I love them. That's a big look in Euphoria right now.

You guys watch Euphoria? Euphoria scares me. Really? You've never watched any of it? Never seen an episode. Euphoria, I still don't really know for sure, but I remember in season one

being like, came in here one day and everybody, you know, there's a lot of young people here and I was like, that's not like really what it's like in high school though, right?

And a lot of people were like, maybe not for me, but like my cousin who's a little younger or my sibling or whatever. They were like, it's like that. And I was like, fucking seriously? Yeah. Because that shit is like heavy drugs, heavy sex. Yeah. Crazy, crazy shit where it's like we used to smoke weed and drink 40s and that was whoa. That's a primary one.

That's extreme. We used to smoke weed and drink 40s, and that was, whoa. But now it's like everybody is on acid and ecstasy and fucking fentanyl. It's like, yeah. Once someone went to college and they'd come back to campus, maybe it'd be a little bit of coke. But that was like. No, that's crazy. There were no pills. There was no anything like that.

My high school had a lot of Italian guidos who loved the clubs. So there was a little ecstasy phase with those guys. Before Molly, it was just fucking ecstasy. Right. But that was it. No, I'm not saying that's bad, too. And then there were some guys who did ketamine. Never mind.

Never mind. I went through euphoria. You ever hit K-holes in high school? I remember driving. I was driving, and it was like the fucking afternoon. And one of my friends was in the backseat, who was a dirtball. It was not that surprising. But I was watching him do it, and I was like, I'm taking you home.

I'm not driving around in the car while you're doing ketamine. Just swing by an Arby's at 2 p.m. I've actually never even seen someone do ketamine. Is it a pill? No. He had like a little jar, and he was snorting it. But I I've actually never even seen someone do kidney. Is it a pill? No, well, he had like a little jar and he was snorting it. But I don't know which way you can do it. That's honestly the biggest loser question I've asked on this podcast. You don't even know how to do kidney.

I didn't even know how to do kidney. But then there's people like Whitney Cummings gets it prescribed and she just micro doses it every day of her life. That sounds probably pretty cool. Yeah, I'm such a Lisa Simpson. Like, I don't know any of that shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Were you a partier in high school? Like, drinking and partying? No. No, you were straight edge. I was pretty straight edge. Why? But I was such, like... Are you not human?

I envy people like you, but were you just not set on a little peer pressure? Were you scared of your parents? No, it was the opposite. My mom was so open-minded about it all that I had zero feeling of needing to rebel. She was always like, I know your friends are probably starting to drink if you want to, just like I'd prefer you did it here at home. And so there was just never – my friends who went off the deep end were the ones whose parents were like, if I find you, I'll fucking kill you.

And then it's more appealing. I never did it out of rebelliousness. Because it was fun. I was like, yeah, all the cool kids are doing it. I'm going to be a cool kid. I was freaked out by it. It scared me to think of it. By drinking or drugs or whatever?

Yeah, all of it. To not be in control of your body. And I was like an honors student. I was very thinking about different things. But then when I got to college, I got a fake ID. I started drinking at like 19, 20. So, and then I went pretty hard. I went to WSU, Washington State University.

And you just, yeah, you destroy your liver there. So that was, that was that. So that's scary though. Cause then you're going, you know, you're like throwing the deep end at 19. Yeah. I was drinking since I was like 14. i was like ready to yeah i definitely like ramped up with the drinking pretty quickly i was i talk about it on stage now but i was doing such weird shit like i would take if i wanted to

pre-game before i met up with friends there were a few times where i would take a shot of gin and if i didn't have like a chaser i would chase it with deli meat. Yeah, I like that. Don't get me wrong, garbage. I'm sure you discussed that. But respect. Little pocket ham? Yeah, we just had. We were on a road trip the other day.

And he's sitting shotgun and I'm driving. And I watch him just reach in his pocket and pull out a plastic container bag of ham. And he just started. No. I was like, what? No. It's a podcast on the road. And he just started... No. I was like, what? No. It's a podcast on the road

and I was like, stop the show. What the fuck is this about? Pocket ham is not gonna be... And it was worse than the ketamine. I would rather you do a ketamine in my car.

We can't be rolling with pocket ham. That was... I knew I was gonna be around for a couple days and I knew it wasn't gonna keep because I'd opened it a few days prior.

Or you can't just lose a batch of ham. You can't sacrifice that. I also knew that when our tech, our producer the night before, he's like, maybe we'll find a spot to eat. And I was like, that didn't seem to sound very promising, so I'm going to bring some lunch with me. Always prepared. You're like an anxiety guy.

Like, are you your own soccer mom where you're like, I don't know when the next meal is. I'm packing ham. No, he's just fat. No, yeah. He's just a fat slob. Really, like, I don't know when the next meal is. I'm packing a ham. No, he's just fat. No, yeah. He's just a fat slob. Really? Like, not at all.

Because I'll just, I would have been completely fine on that car ride. I would have never stopped for food. No, but you also would rather. Yeah, I'm not a planner. That's what you mean. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like, well.

But wait, what are you chasing gin with? What meat? It's a huge question. It was a mesquite smoked turkey breast. Oh, that's pretty, you know, gin and mesquite smoked. If you were throwing back bologna, you'd be like, whoa.

I love bologna, but you know, there's a certain connotation that goes with it, so. I just, in my mind, I was like, that's such a strong flavor. I feel like it will mask

the gin in a pinch, but the problem is because it's not liquid, you have to sit there and chew it while your throat is on fucking fire and you're like,

well, never again. So are you a gin girl in general? No, I think I ruined gin in college. I can't, like, the smell of Bombay Sapphire now, I will vomit immediately. To me, the smell of Bombay Sapphire, I never even was a gin drinker.

Right away, that shit makes me. I can't believe you had a gin phase in college. That was, like, my first thing I ever started drinking, just, like, an old sailor, just full chest hair. I would do gin and tonic. Was it only available available or you wanted to like I mean I guess G&T's are

I don't know it's a popular drink but yeah my friend started making them for me and she'd put half of like an entire

half of a lime in there and then they would taste pretty good so I just started drinking those but I don't do that yeah I do Tito's and soda

a lot now or I've been doing tequila more because I feel like my hangovers are not as bad that's just straight or drinks i've been doing tequila more because i feel like my hangovers are not as bad but that's just straight or drinks like cocktail like a tequila soda yeah they say it's pretty much upper right yeah that's not true i why not it's just not true it's a alcohol is a fucking

depressant i guarantee you that's not true but it's like uh that's a fair point um like there's just like it's just not like if you drink a bunch of tequila, you pass out drunk. Yeah. You're not. That's true. I think the end of the night is still the same. You're not up until 6 a.m. I think in the moment, I think you rip a tequila shot, and you're like,

okay, don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up. And you're raging, and people are like, let's do tequila shots. I think that is – You bring up a good point. I'll give you that. I bet you there's literally no science behind that, and it's one of the biggest drinking myths in the world. What about – I bet you there's literally no science behind that And it's one of the biggest drinking myths in the world I bet you there's something like chemically different

But there's no fucking way I will say with hangovers though Do either of you drink dark liquor? I mean we got Do we ever Seamless transition into your sponsor Do you find that your hangovers are worse When you drink dark liquor versus clear?

The only reason I say that is because also when I'm drinking clear, I am always having like vodka sodas and I'm like almost hydrating as much as I am. Oh, I see. Okay. This is usually straight or whatever. I think if I have a night, I mean, I rarely drink like I used to anymore.

But if I had like 10 vodka sodas, I was like proud of myself. I was like, that's 10 bubbly sodas I had. That's more hydrating than i've done all week you know bro you fucking nailed it you nailed placebo effect like dude so they talked to an expert the perception can be magnified by popular culture and especially on social media by the anecdotal experience of a few individuals vodhan explains a delish. People are probably often excited and aroused after they drink tequila, but they were probably at least partially that way

before ordering it, which may have been what led to it being ordered. I bet you big tequila did that. I bet you Patron was out there being like, tell the world that it's an upper or whatever. That never made sense to me. It's an alcohol. I guess they kind of do sense to me. It's like, it's an alcohol.

I guess they kind of do it with weed too, right? Like some strains make you like ready to party or whatever. At the end of the day, if I smoke a bunch of that, I'm going to eat cheesy bread and pass out.

These things ultimately, you know, get you to a different place. They say with darker liquor though that it gives you worse hangovers because there are

more congeners in it. You guys heard of this? No one's called what's a congener. I've heard that before. Yeah, during the process of making it to help give it that dark color, it's distilled fewer times. This is from what I understand.

And so congeners are more prevalent in darker liquors and that is what can give you a worse hangover. Well, all I'll tell you about Whistlepig is that there is no hangover and it's great tasting. I'm sorry. Classic flavor. hangover. Well, all I'll tell you about Whistle is that there is no hangover and it's great tasting. Classic flavor. Well, it's actually because that, in the

distillation process, we literally just went to the distillery like, that road trip we were talking about, we were on our way to the distillery. The pocket ham road trip. Yeah, yeah. Got it. But it comes out clear. It doesn't get the color until it's aged in oak barrels. What they do is they put it in a barrel and then the barrel, the oaky you know it soaks into it or whatever yeah that's

a beautiful bottle i'm telling you no joke this is our new sponsor but they are fucking awesome nice well you can cut the part about me saying no that's all right this is their new like did you get into like the seltzer revolution at all a little bit but i just i felt like i still preferred doing just straight vodka soda. I always wanted a salsa person myself. They made it for whiskey people, so I'd be like a whiskey cocktail in a can, which I didn't like the vodka ones,

but I'm like, ah, that I can do. Nice. Anyway, you were trash. I was trash. You were trash. Let's get back on to I was trash. There's a badge of honor was trash It is Now I There's a badge of honor

About trash There is You're on that show And you want To not be garbage You want to be labeled classy Or you end up being labeled classy Like

You're a fucking loser But now Another part of your Your visit with us here Is gonna be foosball I'm so excited Did you get a tornado? I got an

I think Yes I think I got a nice one It's not a shitty one i'm so excited i don't know it's the exact brand but we got like and i think this is like the perfect that's all you gotta say right there like if you know the the brand yeah you're fucked but the the like having a bar game which i guess foosball probably counts as a bar game right yeah yeah that you're an expert at is either the sickest thing ever or, depending

on who you ask, or it can be trash. You're like, I'm unbelievable at ring toss. And they're like, what, dude? How much time have you spent in bars? You're just fucking slinging it. I think foosball is a little different. I have played foosball twice in my life.

I just never, nobody, we never had a table. None of my friends ever had a table. I guess. Like I just never, nobody, we never had a table. None of my friends ever had a table. I guess the bars I went to, I just, like I can't even. But like air hockey, I'm not like good at air hockey, but I can like play. I can, you know, handle myself. Foosball, it's like, you don't have hands or something.

Like I can't, it's so foreign to me. I don't get it. But you were always around it. guess my long winded point is that I think you encounter ping pong more And other games You know what I had a lot which I think is foosball-esque Is bubble hockey That was another one I never saw that once

I never even saw that I'm still bad at it It's just what I played more Biz fucking smoked me like 10-0 I've never even seen one of these They're so weird It does require a lot of hand-eye coordination That's what I played more. Biz fucking smoked me like 10-0 because I was like, I've never even seen one of these. I didn't even know they existed. They're so weird. It does require a lot of hand-eye coordination, but I think foosball is harder in the way

that if you picture ping pong or air hockey, your hand is so close to the ball. With foosball, it's like extensions of your arms and there's all these men and it takes more time to get better, I think, at foosball. I mean, you can control the ball. Like the one or two times I played it was just kind of like, I hope I hit it. Yeah. It's like you're passing to other men on the field.

That's crazy. You're getting assists. Yeah. Nuts. Even just the way the flick of the wrist, I can't move it. I'm like – I'm very like crank. I heard – do you hold it or do you like – somebody was telling me they just kind of like rub the top kind of like this. Oh, interesting.

So, I mean, you're always holding it, but if you shoot what's called a rollover shot or a snake shot, you pin the ball and then you move the handle to your wrist and you work the ball around. And when you're ready to shoot, you roll up and catch the handle so the man is doing almost a full 360 so it hits it really hard it's like the most powerful shot you can do so in that way you are taking your hand off the handle now do you ever use this ability to hustle have you ever hustled that's my whole tour well the show is wrist of fury right yeah is it new that you like made it into a show or has that been going on for a while now that's been going on for three years we had to take a year off during COVID

we're at I believe 26 episodes now but so I have a web series that's on YouTube through the All Things Comedy YouTube channel it's called Wrist of Fury and I play against other comedians but we did do a special episode where I went undercover in Vegas and I hustled drunk dudes

on the Vegas strip. And so I wore a really low cut top. I wore giant fake eyelashes and talked in the worst voice. So my camera crew and I would go up to guys and I'd be like, hi, my name's Kelsey and I have this web series where I do things I've never done before. It's called

Pop My Cherry. And I just really played into this. Yeah. Do you slow play the game too or right off the bat are you like blah blah blah? I slow played it with that one. I would be like which, like am I going this way? Am I going this way? I just made everything really

dumb in the beginning so they could feel a little bit more confident and then I if we could get money on the table. Cruel. What's the most you've ever hust then i would so on tour now the stand-up tour i'm on right now is called the hustler tour because every city i go to i try to find a bar after the shows that has a table and i hustle either people from the crowd or just people in the bar so i started to do hundred dollar bets now so that's kind of like the minimum yeah and so he's the cat out of the bag a little bit now, though. Like, if you're at your show, you probably know, right? The people at the show know because I talk about it on stage.

But there are just, I mean, dudes get drunk and they're like, I could fucking do it. Fantastic. So we had a guy sign up. I sent out an email. I'd be like, anybody who wants to play, let me know. And one of our cameramen signed up in kind of an unusual move. Like, he wouldn't ordinarily be a part of it.

And he was like, I'm rusty, but I'm pretty confident. And I was like, that makes me feel like you probably have some experience. Okay. But this girl's parents are professional foosball players. So, and I tried not to tell everybody. And then one guy, you know, he called himself out for it. And he was like, is this dude really good or something? And I was like, it's a girl.

And he was like, wow, how unbelievably sexist of you. I was like, yeah, bro. Yeah. So I think a few people are coming in totally blind. A couple other people, no. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. But I'm wondering if there's anybody.

I mean, obviously, I wouldn't be doing this if the person sucked or was average at it. So they must have some sort of inkling but i'm hoping that you get some people in who when was the last time you lost a match oh my god like to hustling or just in a tournament uh well yes i would guess the hustling the hustling i i got hustled in colorado um a few months back a guy showed up who is a formerly, like, he's a nationally ranked player. Has won world championships before. And so he showed up. I played him.

I won the first game. And then. Did you know at all? Once we started playing, I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. I like really focused and I won. But then I made the mistake. He was like, OK, let's do it again.

And I was feeling like. I should have just walked away. But then he. So then he beat me in the second game it like close or do you like it was close yeah okay yeah so it wasn't like he he didn't really yeah that's like you he just it was yeah no we went right in if he's naturally right you went one on one that's pretty good yeah no rubber match though there was a guy also who was behind the bar and came out and said, I'll play you. And he also tried to hustle me. I beat him.

And then he rolled up his sleeve and he had a foosball tattoo. And I was like, what the fuck? That's great. I had not played somebody before who had a tattoo of it. That's got to be one of the more rare tattoos I've seen. Yes. The crossover of like, I'm a diehard foosball enthusiast, but also I get inked up. That is funny. and it was something

from your parents I didn't make that up right yes so my parents met playing at a professional foosball tournament in the 80s so it is

the foundation for my life it's so upsetting garbage yeah absolute garbage and yeah then they

they had me They had my brother And they would just Put us on stools When we were really young I've been playing since I was like two years old So I could like

Be tall enough To see the top of the table That's crazy It does explain a lot To like Pacific Northwest Professional foosball parents Like yeah They weren't really worried

About me being rebellious We're good They're like You can do whatever you want We're good Yeah Circus of a house Do you play in anything Like you said Tournament about me being rebellious. We're good. You can do whatever you want. Yeah. Circus of a house.

Do you play in anything like you said, tournament? Is there like a... Yeah. So there are... What's the most money you can make from this? Is it like a big

payout tournament? I think you and I were messaging about because you asked me who the best player in the world was. So Tony Spredeman. I was like,

I think you are. Very sweet. Tony Spredeman is the best. He lives in Florida, but he has an RV, and he just drives to every major tournament every month and gets first and makes thousands of dollars. Yeah, it used to be much bigger in the 80s. You could make a ton of money.

People were winning, like, Corvettes, like, brand-new cars if they got first place. But now it's not as popular. That's funny because I feel like, and speaking with really little to no knowledge. Well, that's what we do. Yeah. Welcome to KSU. As all things. I feel like that the kind of the bar game has had an uptick of late,

be it with, I know I see darts, things go viral all the time. Darts is cool. Cornhole, which I think is very much like foosball. Cornhole's on ESPN all the time now. Yeah, we got on ESPN. I was so happy. Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. The Ocho. Yeah, they love all that weird shit. Is it mostly male or is it even? It's mostly male, but I mean, there there are the person who has won the most titles in foosball history is a woman interesting yeah cindy head she's she's intense yeah she's like an ex-cop from alabama oh shit not to be fucked with she refers to herself in the third person as she plays like she'll and cindy's fucking killing you! I love it!

She'll smash him and be like, yeah, cool! Who do you think I am? Great! She is absolutely that bowling version of that guy. The sweetest person off the table, by the way, but on the table. Pitbull. How old is she?

Oh, early 60s, mid-60s. Yes! Cindy Head? Like, H-E-A-D? I'm like, I'm gonna look up Cindy. I gotta see it gaining some steam and becoming a little more prevalent I don't know

you've had you were whooping on Soder and Big J and the bigger names you get on there you had Sam and Taylor on that's a good hook thanks we're doing it at Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin we did it last year there you had sam and taylor on like yeah it could that that's a good hook you know thanks yeah we're doing it at moon tower comedy festival in austin uh we did it last year now we're about to do it again and i do think it helps get the word out about it and just make the sport bigger

and possible yeah and then along the way you start doing comedy or was it like that was the goal and you just played foosball for fun yeah it all kind of ended up coming together? Foosball was more just a fun hobby on the side. I started college thinking I was going to be a high school math teacher which now sounds like an absolute nightmare now. Are you fucking kidding me?

I love math and I loved my math teachers and I just thought that that was what I wanted to do. Dude, that is not a good goal. Plan B was the right way. The math teacher. Also, I- That's like the worst childhood dream y'all ever heard.

To be a teacher is one thing, but like high school math teacher. I was like six, like I dream of this. Like you said it like it's my childhood dream. It's what I thought I wanted later. Do you want to be a dancer? I want to be a fucking Spice Girl. I want to do pre-calc. I want to find the derivative. I did like my algebra math. My algebra

teacher in high school. I never got past pre-calc. So I'm not really a math fan. I got a three on my AP calc test. And that was about the smartest I've ever felt. Okay. Were you like perfect score on your math SATs? I minored in it in college.

I got to Calc 3 in college and was just like hating my life. It had become so abstract at that point. I was like, I can't. So what are you doing here? Yeah. I wanted to teach like honors algebra 2 or something. This was just so. Solve for X.

So far beyond that. I can't do it. Yeah. I wanted to teach like honors algebra two or something. This was just so far. I feel like that is like once you become an expert at something, it almost like, like I don't understand shit to answer, you know, I don't understand how, but like even anything, not just math, like any,

like, like I watched NBA players practice. How was this fun for you? Yeah. Why are you hitting it every time? This isn't, this can't be entertaining. You don't miss. You know what I really feel that about and then and it's similar i guess in the same realm

as is a foosball is the professional pool players where it's like yeah you win the break you win the game yeah every single time without fail you run the table it's like we need to make the table bigger the ball smaller something here this is that's like truly you've perfected the art of it in my projection this is how i i really get you've perfected the art of it in my projection this is how i i really get away with not being great at anything i'm like i think the better you get the less fun stuff is i want to stay anonymous at everything i want to be a uninformed loser at everything so that i don't make it boring dude i was i was having that fight with like one of my friends this weekend when we were skiing and he's like i think i'm gonna take a lesson

and like work on my on my back right edge. I'm like, dude, why don't you just enjoy it? Why are you making it work right now? Why don't you just have, we're out to look at some pretty fucking views,

get some fresh air, get a little sweat, go and have some beers. Why are you going to make this work, dude? Do you have moments where you hate foosball? Or are you just always into it?

Oh, if I go to a tournament and I lose at a big match, I'm pissed. Like, I don't hate foosball, but I'm mad at myself. But I mean, even when you're winning other times, you're just like, I just don't want to play anymore. No, I love it. Yeah.

I still love it so much. It's so addicting. It's such a huge rush. It's kind of, I'm short. I played sports my whole life, but I've always been like the setter in volleyball or the point guard. Like, I can never dunk, of course. So for me to be able to hit the ball really hard in foosball to me it feels like my dunk it's like

as close as i can get right right well there's got to be it's a little like white man can't jump hustle where you're like nobody expects it right yeah cute blonde girl like fucking you up and it's like you judge me and that was you know you know, that's the appeal of it. Yeah, basically every day you're Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. Yeah. How do you like them apples? Just the janitor of foosball. Oh, you quote some Gordon Wood.

When I was walking down the halls here to come into the room, I have to say this is like prime hustling territory for me. Just the bro-iest. I just am so excited. Well, yeah, we got some sign-ups, but also I don't know, you want to walk around and challenge some people. Free fucking rain. Hi!

I was thinking that when you were doing that voice, how bad does it suck for girls who just have that voice? It's tough out here right now. It just is what i sound like yeah i don't want um vocal fry or something that they have like a term for it where it's like you kind of just have a valley girl ish voice and it's like that's just how we talk really it's like well everyone's judging you i worry about vocal fry on podcast because my voice is a little lower but if i get to the end of a sentence and i haven't taken a breath it kind of like gets into that like and i hate it i try so hard to not do that but it sucks

though because at the end of the day it's like yeah you could be a genius you could be you know uh interesting person but it's like no you're just it's hard i hear for white girls right now when we were at the whistle pig thing there's a video of me like meeting the pigs and i get excited i'm kind of like yelling cutest thing i've ever seen in my life and mortimer jr and orwell he was feeding them apples i've never seen this dude happier in my whole life they came waddling out of their little house thing and he was like look at this guy look at my guy come on over come on down he's feeding him apples. It was great.

Someone was like, it was Pink Whitney. Pink Whitney, the brand account I interacted with at this point, I guess, was, they were like, dude, you sound exactly like a cartoon pig. And I was like, oh, that is what I sound like. Oh, my God. You need to do a voice. You need to do a voice. I'm going to close my eyes.

Can you do lines from Lion King? As Pumbaa? Because this is exact. Maybe we should do a little Timon and Pumbaa thing. We should be next. Timon, what are you doing? Oh, my God. You do have that Seth Rogen.

Yeah, I have the annoying laugh and everything. It was Seth Rogen and Timon was somebody also way more famous and successful than us. But next time, holler at us, Disney. He almost got his hand bit off by one of these pigs. Are you serious? Well, it was closer. He was watching the one pig

and he had an apple in his hand and he just kind of had it down. As he's talking and laughing, his hand's moving a little bit and the other pig was kind of like and i was waiting for him to just be like give me that shit and i had asked before too because i've seen it in the movie snatch where they feed the bodies to the pigs yeah and i was like is it true that pigs will eat anything and they said anything they but they don't eat human teeth that's it they'll eat the rest of you because they know they can't digest yeah imagine that they're just eating around yeah

if you lost a finger to a pig i just feel like that would complete your aesthetic so well you were just like well mortimer jr got it the other day what happened to your hand i was at a whiskey tasting and a pig bit it that really would be it yeah you are a pig you are a pig yeahitted. That really would be it. Yeah. You are a pig. You are a pig. I mean, pigs, I just learned recently how smart pigs are.

They're like the smartest animal in the world, which makes me kind of feel bad about how much we eat them. I know. It's like they are a big time food source. Yeah.

And they're really, really smart. I went vegan for a year and a half pretty recently and then quit. And I did feel better physically for a while, but they say, have either of you ever gone like vegan, vegetarian, any of that? I started to feel really weak about a year and a half into it.

I appreciate you asking that question. As soon as I asked, I was like. The most rhetorical fucking thing ever. I know absolutely for sure they have not, but I'm just going to ask. You never know. We should have done that. I want to have an expert at foosball here. He'd be like,

I don't expect that answer. That's true. I started to feel really weak and I was going to an acupuncturist and two different acupuncturists in that clinic who didn't know anything

about my background when they would check my pulse points. Two different people were like, are you vegan? Wow. I was like,

yeah. How do you know? They was like yeah how do you know they're like oh your pulse is really weak it's really strained all the stuff protein in you right well they're saying it's harder for and I'm probably a bunch of backlash from this from the vegan community they were saying that it can be harder for women to be vegan and get the amount of iron you need because we're losing iron every month. Yeah. Anyway. A lot of people take supplements.

Supplements and stuff like that, yeah. But that's what I've been told. So I went back and I feel better now. That makes a lot of sense. It checks out. Did you have a day where you were just like, fuck it, I'm eating, you know, whatever. Like you were just like,

was it because of that? Did you come flying out of the closet or did you tiptoe out? I was such a maniac. I did it just the wrong way. I went and got like a giant order of chicken curry. It was like two full chicken breasts and I ate the whole thing. And I thought I was immediately going to have to go to the emergency room.

I was going to say that. You're shocking your sister, right? Oh, yeah. But it tasted so good. It's like Will Ferrell. He was like, once it hits your lips. I was like, oh, my God. It's like crack. It tasted so good. It's like Will Ferrell. He was like, once again, it's your lips. I felt that. I was like, oh, my God.

It's like crack. It was so exciting. Chicken has never tasted so. You're going to chase that high for the rest of your life, chasing the dragon of a bucket of curry chicken after 18 months of no meat. Because your taste buds change. So when you bring it back like that, it was. Were you scared even like if you don't use it, you lose it? Yeah.

I have heard some people that now their stomach just can't digest it and whatever what was your did you do it for uh like health purposes or like animal purposes um the documentary game changers which focused more on like athletic performance and how people feel and it wasn't as guilt trippy i'd watch some of the other ones and it was just like you're a shitty person if you keep eating this and that automatically i think makes you want to keep eating don't tell me what to do you're not my dad the opposite i was like those people i'm like i'm doubling down i mean yeah um but the studies they did on game changers were it was really interesting to me and so i tried it and i did feel better for a while my allergies

went away for a while it was pretty crazy but yeah no no it's nice to have what was your number one missed thing i can't believe curry chicken was your first choice that does not feel like like my yeah it's like a reverse that's a reverse la ass answer tofu well i was scared to go head first into like a burger or something. Red meat seemed like it would be intense, but chicken felt a little bit more middle of the road. I missed In-N-Out burgers a lot. That's just overrated, right? What if you just walked out?

Are you still waiting on lines for In-N-Out and shit like that? That's the one that's overrated, right? I'm not. Look, it was a fine burger. We only had it once. But that's the one we're talking about, right? I'm not, like, look, it was a fine burger. We only had it once. Yeah. But that's the one we're talking about, right? Yeah, yeah.

And I get that mixed up with Jack in the Box or something. Yeah. It was... I see people, like, in the line of cars around the corner. It's like, I don't want to get into the...

Because I feel like the only way you can talk about In-N-Out or Shake Shack is, like, do the greatest thing in the world or it's the worst thing I ever had! And it was fine. It was fine.

It was okay. It was a nice... I actually didn't care for the fries very much, but the burger was fine. I love the fries so much, but some people are just... They think it's... They're just unseasoned or kind of dry. But if you get them animal style, nothing's bad.

I think we did that, which also is bullshit. I take great anger with... Take Umbridge. I want Umbridge. Umbridge is too much. I take great anger. Take Umbridge. I want Umbridge. Umbridge is a fancy word I was going for. Go ahead, Umbridge. Couldn't find one. I got you, babe.

I got it for you. I take anger with this. I take man. I take anger. That would have been a great sentence missing a finger. That would have felt very appropriate. Dude, missing a finger? That sentence has felt very appropriate. Dude, missing a finger? That sentence has totally different meaning.

That dude is pissed. Yes. Yeah. Maybe we'll get you to just chop a finger off. Yeah. Just a Manhattan pirate. I think it's also bullshit that the secret menu, that isn't a secret to anybody. Just put it on the fucking menu.

We all know about it. Put it up there. We're hiding. It's like your parents. If you're going to do it, do it in the fucking menu. We all know about it. Put it up there. We don't hide it. It's like your parents. You're gonna do it? Do it in front of me. What? They're drinking. They're drinking. I was like,

what's happening in your home that you were demanding? I know you're having sex, mom and dad. You better fuck in front of me. My son's not giving bad dick. Get in there. I'm so interested that it played out for your parents it worked i'm i have two kids i'm deathly afraid of doing the whole like i'm gonna let them drink and like party because they will end up like you because i also feel like that's also just giving them the green light to fucking rock and roll and yeah it's like whoops i fucked that up it's a that's a big time it's a big gamble i think it's a it's nature and nurture with it right i think i they knew that i wasn't gonna go crazy anyway would you how's your brother

he's also same was he older or younger uh younger about six years younger too i mean like the first one yeah they knew i was a good kid they weren't worried about it but i think that was just her parenting style anyway was just to be like i would rather you talk about it with me and not feel like like I I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend but I lost it like I scheduled it with my mom I was like hey we've been together for like six months and we said that we wanted to finally have sex and I just told my mom, I was like, hey, we'd like to have sex on Saturday. I was wondering if you could like go to the

movies or something. She's like, okay. How old were you at this point? 17. Wow. But I was like on birth control and there were condoms and stuff. Bro, I think my parents still think I'm a virgin. Really? Bro, I'm starting to think you are too, man. Yesterday's conversation, I don't think you're ever going to fuck again.

They definitely, I've lived with women, so they most likely assume we've had intercourse. But you were like 24, right? But we've never talked about it. You were like, you know. When? When you had sex for the first time. No, I forgot I was the one who was 16. So 19 is when I always count my virginity.

I did lose it drunk at 16. I blacked out. Okay. That doesn't count. It doesn't count. No memory. I was in Spain. I was with a college girl in Spain whose name I don't remember. It wasn't even a friend kind of thing. It wasn't romantic

enough. It doesn't count. It wasn't special. But yeah, I don't think so. it was on a later end john i think you know anybody who knows you do the show and has heard anything know that you know you're fucking there's no evidence directly exchanged between the two of us yeah no one ever called you or whatever i've had sex you haven't had a kid yeah it's like i have had sex at least twice everybody knows that like Just the two. But that's wild scheduling.

Like, circle it on the calendar. 15-minute warning beforehand on your iPhone. Was your dad in the picture? So my parents divorced when I was six. He was still in the picture, is still in the picture. He lived about 30 minutes away. So I would go to his house a couple times a week. But I was primarily with my mom.

He wasn't cc'd on the email? There was no scheduling that with my dad. It was like that would be a little too much. If I get an email in what 11 years saying that it could be a problem. He's a big fan and supporter

of my comedy now but he wasn't in the beginning and I'm glad he wasn't because if you see your 20-year-old daughter telling cum jokes, it would be disconcerting if as a dad you were like, yeah, you go do that. I think anybody who's a little too close starts to freak me out a little bit. Right, yeah. But I feel like daughters and moms can be a bit of a different relationship. I'm super close to my dad, but yeah. But I feel like daughters and moms can be a bit of a different relationship. I'm super close with my dad, but yeah.

But there's a line. He can come to my shows. I'm fine with it. But I'm like, you need to sit in the back. I can't look at you as I talk about shafts. You got to go in the back. What do you think is your worst cum joke, shaft joke, whatever? What's like the one story or joke that you've done on stage that you were like my dad absolutely can't or i don't want him to hear it um the story i taped for comedy central's

show this is not happening um was about the first time was that with ari or no ari did that for a while i thought right it was this season that roy wood jr did um The story was about me in high school trying to masturbate for the first time and using a, it's like a manicure tool, but the handle was shaped like a dick. There's no way the people that made this didn't think. What's the tool called? If you just Google, what is it called?

Masturbating with manicure tools. I will, I could think of the brand name. i'll think of it after the show ends and i'll be bummed i can't remember it but anyway like there's no way they made this and didn't think teenage girls were gonna put it in a hole like it's it was like tapered and curved i mean it looked just like a dick you're supposed to fuck it yeah yeah you even specified as a hole just a hole we'll figure it out along the way. But all my friends had lost their virginity and I hadn't yet. And I think it's just that young kind of FOMO feeling where you want to be a part of the conversation.

I wanted to at least know what sex felt like. And so I tried like, you know, masturbating with it. And then I realized that something was really wrong because I started, it was like burning, itching. And I looked with a mirror and everything had swollen shut. Shut? Like no hole. And so then I had to tell. So was it trapped in there?

That's so the thing. No, no, no, no. It was out. Okay. It was out. The end of the story is that I'm allergic to latex. So that was how I found that out. But I had to like go tell my mom so that she could take me.

Haven't shit in 15 years. Major problem. Latex, because it has latex in it? It's like a rubber latex thing. I guess if there's ever a time to find out, it's like a rubber latex oh thank you um i guess if there's ever a time to find out it's then rather than like with the condom it was a whole thing so yeah you kind of are like a frat boy's dream absolutely oh my god yeah that was part of the story too saying that yeah so i had to tell my mom we had to go to like

our local like emergency walk-in clinic at the small town I grew up in. So the doctor was my family doctor who's seen me my whole life. Man in his 60s, very Christian. Just so horrifying. Hey, doc, fucked myself with this tool. Pussy's closed. What can you do? Strapped on his miner's headlight.

He was like, literally, I'm going to walk into traffic. Just fucking kill me. So when that story came out, I told my dad, I was like, usually I would love for you to watch my TV appearances. Please don't watch this. And I think, again, this is like what we're talking about with the rebelling. I'm sure he did. He probably did and he just keeps it to him. I actually, to be honest,

well, I don't know. I was about to say, as a dad, I don't know if I would hate, like I would rather that story than like something with a dude or like if I had done heroin and been like dead in a ditch. There are way worse things than like your daughter being sexually active. That's going to happen and healthy, but

I think I'd rather a masturbating thing than be like, so this guy was coming on my face. There's certainly worse things a dad can hear. That's true. But when you've got to go into detail about vaginas being sealed up, that is a graphic story. We just like, at a certain age, we just start looking at things to fuck.

Yep. Yes, you do. If I put something in here, I can make it all small enough. Yeah, you guys find couch cushions, and yeah, and we're like, oh. And we're children. We're children.

It's like, I'm going to start fucking things. Young. Where's inanimate objects with a hole that I can fart? Uh-huh. That's true. And if not,

I'm going to make it. I'm going to sandwich these things and put that. If you guys had a hole, oh my God, dudes would be sticking so much random shit. Well, we do. And we do. We to sandwich these things. Yeah. If you guys had a whole, oh my god, dudes would be sticking so much random shit. Well, we do. We do what we do.

I'm absolutely sure. Do you know that there's a tool, a toy, that's like a rubber, it's like a, I mean, it looks like so much like you're supposed to fuck it. But when you grab it, it kind of like turns over itself so you can't really fuck it but like when you grab it it kind of like

turns over itself so you can't really it's like the water in it with like fishes oh my god I had those growing up that was probably like a perfect starter pocket pussy for you guys I never even thought of that yeah we did we absolutely did

it was like oh this thing no doubt were you ever scared that it would be like a Chinese finger trap though where you'd like try to get it off and it would just like only keep like conveyor melting ever scared that it would be like a Chinese finger trap, though, where you'd try to get it off and it would just only keep conveyor belting your dick? Like it wouldn't ever actually come off? Then I gotta go to the doctor. I'm in the waiting room, yeah. Beat you there.

Latex. Yeah. That would probably be a disaster if you fucked that with a latex allergy. Oh my god, yeah. Oh yeah. I wonder how many... I feel bad. I feel bad through it i feel bad for like the small small small percentage of guys out there who do have a latex uh allergy and they

are like i swear to god girl i really can't wear that like there's so many i know alternatives now though yeah like well i remember when people were like you know or not people but on the market the lambskin condoms I was like what the fuck does that mean I see them a lot though I'm sure they're they look and probably feel very similar but in my mind I'm picturing

like this flesh fucking thing what do you mean lamb no and I never used one of those. It was always the polyurethane ones that are more just like plastic, basically, but the lambskin ones, I always just felt like it would smell like

Euro or something, like it would not. And why not like goat? Euro, like a Euro. Oh, I thought you meant it was like a European. No, oh my god, get cancelled for no reason, because you don't know your I thought you meant to say a European. No. Oh, my God. Get canceled for no reason. Because you don't know your... Smell like some dude from France.

No. You know, like a lamb. I thought those were called gyros. I think it's gyro. I thought it was like a soft G. Can anybody else in this room confirm? I would call it a gyro. Gyro, right.

Oh, you are trash. You are absolute trash. I would hit that a gyro. Gyro, right. Oh, you are trash. You are absolute trash. I would hit that G-Y hard. It's a soft gyro. Gyro is what I had on my mongoose trick bike so you could do full wheel spins. Spin it around. Even though I couldn't do a wheel spin. I had to, mom, I got to get a gyro for my mongoose so I can go to the skate park and fucking do nothing but smoke cigarettes.

I'll be honest. I thought when she said gyro, she meant what you thought she meant. And I do nothing And smoke cigarettes I'll be honest I thought When she said Yero She meant what you thought she meant And I just didn't react I was like okay I don't know It smells like a fucking

European dude You guys live in New York With like all the food carts I can't believe that I know Well no I just don't Pronounce it that way So I was just like

Alright Yero I thought you meant just like I honestly figured you meant Like cigarettes And Like And body odor That's what Yero smelled like I'm gonna let you get cancer figured you meant like cigarettes and yeah like and body odor yeah that's that's a euro smell like

so wait did you have to were you were you always just strapped and carrying your own condoms then uh yeah yeah but it's also i mean like i was with somebody for eight years and was married it's not been like a dick buffet you. Not walking around like one of those dudes with the fucking jewelry. Condoms, yeah. No, but I mean, it's always the thing. Well, I don't know. I mean, I feel like people don't wear condoms anymore.

But it once was a thing where it was like, if the girl has condoms, what does that mean? Oh, right. But in your case, it's like, well, I have to. Yeah, I'm just like, no, I will swell up. It's just very nerdy. Trust me, you're not going to like it.

Not a hot. But yeah, I feel like there was, if you run into a girl who has the 36 pack and there's two left, it's like, well, Jesus.

I hope you're cheating on somebody because shit, otherwise. I hope you bought this in 04. Yeah, right. Have these expired? No, these were two weeks old. Like, fuck. I still have a huge pack. Do you? Because we bought it. We. Yeah, right. Have these expired? Yeah. No, these were two weeks old. Like, fuck!

I still have a huge pack. Do you? Because we bought it, we had a debate here once, how many condoms could you fit on a penis? And we thought, Oh my God.

What's your guess? My number is endless. Hold on. It's so funny that Are You Garbage Guys just asked, how many Pringles do you eat at one time?

And now I'm like, picturing this weird Pringle condom hybrid. Some weird carnival game. Okay. I would say five? A little low. A little low.

It's nine is where I hit. But it is. You felt like you could keep going, right? I felt like I could keep going. It's just it gets to be, like, a. Was it tight? Whoa. It, like, it didn't didn't know it was never painful it's just like it kind of you stay hard no that there it is okay i was kind of trying to tip my toe into the water yeah you kind of

stopped being hard and this is like all right what the fuck is just a mess down there oh my god i just started talking. And the whole time you're just pinching and rolling. Crazy. So now I have 27 condoms left in my bun. That's an expensive experiment. Costly. I put my money where my mouth is. I was like, I'm going to get 36 back. I'll definitely get 36 on there.

No. We can get it. I just started talking about this on stage about condoms and all this stuff because apparently in the 1800s, the first condoms were really thick. It was like a bike tire, basically. Like inside of a bike tire. Ribbed for her pleasure. Fucking Goodyears out here.

Firestone. I just love that they've gotten thinner over time, which I feel like is beneficial for you guys to feel us more. I mean, if it were a rubber tire, nobody's coming. See, I almost rather have the opposite. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Women would rather have the opposite. Like, fucking keep that deep dish condom on. rubber tire right nobody's coming i almost you're not coming well that's what i'm saying women would rather have the opposite like yeah and keep that deep dish condom girth it up oh you're so big i'm like yeah i'm fucking huge i don't have a tire strap i'd rather walk out the door knowing that than coming be like she's gonna tell everyone i'm a monster she just took a fucking four by four. Oh my god. Just a chode. Four by four

is my four wheel drive. That is that's first of all I can't believe it was 1800s. I don't know why I would have thought

1800s they used to take the dick off road and I like it. Yeah. Just like I'm just going to put this carafe on my dick and do that.

Just a chunky knit. Yeah, ultra thin was a sad turn of events for you girls. Sorry, what? The ultra thin was a sad turn of events. I mean, they're just, they really, I can't believe it. And I know like through birth control, at least that part of the equation is taken care of. But I can't believe we have not technologically advanced past put a rubber bag on your dick and catch the cum.

That is exactly my joke. And stop the... Yeah, that's my joke. I can't believe that's like the best defense we have against STDs is like condoms in the honor system.

It's like... And the honor system is not nobody... Nobody's honorable. Everyone's like, I'm good. No. It's like you either

are not or you don't know. Yeah. At least you don't know. You lied about your height. I'm supposed to trust you on chlamydia? Fuck out of here. Who gave five foot eight six foot tall a guy? No.

You also don't have gonorrhea? Sure. What are the chances of that? Yeah. All right. So we're going to go play some foosball. I'm so excited. Maybe we should answer the internet while they play.

We'll pepper over the questions while she's playing it. Or we'll do it separate. Whatever Nick thinks is easiest. We'll figure it out. I'm down for whatever. So we're going to go do that. So tell the people where to find the podcast and the... Yeah.

So you can watch Rissa Fury on YouTube on the All Things Comedy channel. If you go to kelseycook.com, you can get tickets for all my tour dates. I've got so many coming up. I'll be at City Winery here in New York in March. And it's at kelseycookcomedy on Instagram and TikTok. Is All Things Comedy's Bill Burr?

Yeah. That's a good name to be down with. Yeah, for sure. All right, so everybody go check it out, and let's head next door. Cool. I ask nothing of you. There's only one thing in this world I ask of you as fans. We don't charge any money.

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