KFC Radio - Tom Brady Leaves New England, Night Terrors, and Making Jokes at A Funeral

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

KFC and Feits react to the news of Tom Brady leaving the Patriots and what that will do to his legacy. Feits had a night terror that involved The Undertaker. They reflect on how life in quarantine is affecting them. AITA Thursday returns and includes: You're Not a Chef and Jokes at a Funeral. Voicemails Include: Inconvenience Tickets, Drunk Ghosts, and Bachelor Party Refund. Learn more and find Omeprazole Orally Disintegrating Tablets at a retailer near you by visiting bit.ly/kfcodt.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Live from quarantine, Feidelberg at home. Me up in Mount Vernon. Day two of no Tom Brady for you. Day two. Has it set in?

Because I could tell yesterday it hadn't. And I wasn't going to kick you while you were down. But I wanted to let you know that it's going to kick you while you were down but i i wanted to i want to let you know that it's going to get worse before it gets better john the don brady news is like the coronavirus it's gonna it's gonna sting it's gonna hurt eventually yeah i don't think so i could i honestly i genuinely disagree i think this is the the denial stage of grief no i'm not denying the grief i'm denying that that it's going to get worse. Like, I'm good. I accepted it. I'll have flashes of rage, and I'm sure, yes, the first time when he comes out and he doesn't do, you know, his patented let's go and, you know, it's not crazy, that will stink again.

Like, you know, just like your friend's birthday or something like that where it's like you know you've kind of accepted and you're like oh yeah this day we usually went out and that hurts again but the largely it was i it was you know they told the therapeuticness of writing or like i wrote about yesterday and it was like it really was genuine i've said it on this show before where it was like i had the love of my life and it's I don't have her anymore but it's like I've accepted that it's it's what Tom Brady did

for me personally and this is like I understand how lame this is like I understand how crazy it is but I don't think we'll ever be able to quantify what tom brady meant to the region and it's cool to just be like like we had that for 20 years it's it's i get how lame it sounds like you can try with um you know his charitable endeavors

you can try with he built a city like just straight up he built a city he didn't go into new york foxborough was nothing foxborough was a town a sleepy town 45 minutes from providence and 45 minutes from boston that just didn't really matter it was the patriots played there but like sullivan stadium was a piece of shit i mean when they first won a fucking superbowl oh yeah a superbow. They still had fucking benches like a college stadium. Wow. Tom Brady. I don't know if it was all – I forget if it was all benches, but there were benches where it was just your seat number was on the bench.

You just sat at that part of the bench. And he built Patriot Place. He built – like that's all the house that Brady built. And he built barstool sports barstool sports is we're not here without what tom brady did and it's just it's fucking crazy to see what like to just like look back on what he meant to everything i mean he came in he i remember i vividly remember his Super Bowl parade or whatever it was. He was wearing the ugliest leather jacket, this fucking black leather jacket.

He's kind of nerdy looking. Everyone's always seen his fucking combine picture. And he came to a town or to a region that was truly the lovable losers. And we were a group of like ah maybe next year fans and he leaves it the center of the sports world and he leaves it as like a milan to minsk fucking guy with a supermodel wife all happened in like in 20 years it's crazy to say that i had that it's like it's it's more it's more thankful than sad it's unbelievable that he could like i don't think i think there are very few people like myself who were ever just straight up truly like inspired by tom brady right like like you

never looked like this guy did it then I can do something with my life. But he was just always in the back of our minds. Like, Tom Brady. Like, we got Tom Brady here. I said this in the blog, where he, his name carried such a weight in a bar that it could either incite violence or it could incite this pure ecstasy or it could just make

fans of other teams shut the fuck up like all i had to say was tom brady and people like power and fear and the only other people who can do that in the history of the world they're all gods kevin it's only the only names that carry a weight like that are fucking gods. And I got to have that. And I don't have it anymore. But I haven't lost my faith. I still believe in Tom Brady. I feel like you, of all people, too.

I've always said the reason why it's the best for you, it's great for everybody. But you lived through it all in the perfect time you got you got a little bit of childhood when you were like a boy and it's like oh my god tom brady you got your adolescence where you're starting to really become your own person you got your your your 20s where you are you get to party and enjoy and the parade and drink every time you win it also paved like your whole career because you got to write about it and now you know the only thing that would be a little bit better is if you know if somehow it could last a little bit longer so you got it as like I mean it's impossible because no one's career lasts this long the only thing you'll

miss out on is like you didn't get to do it with like your son or something like that because i'm sure there are guys who are like i got to take my son to see a super bowl and and that you know your father what your father feels for tom brady so you you miss that's the only life experience that you'll miss with tom brady otherwise you did every check mark with greatness right and so like how i so how can i possibly be mad about that like like i can't i don't know i'm a little sad i wish i had it but like i'm it's it's fine i i think i'm speaking for new england when i like i think everyone is just more thankful than sad or upset or betrayed or anything like that i think everyone understands everyone's like yep you gotta do you think just just like why p asked me is he gonna get booed when he comes back to foxborough betrayed or anything like that. I think everyone understands. Everyone's like, yep, you gotta do you. Just, like, why

P asked me, is he gonna get booed when he comes back to Foxborough? What are you, a fucking jabroni? I mean, that's a ridiculous question. Absurd. Absolutely absurd. I think everyone is just like, thank you so much. I mean, he really fucking put,

it was, my friend, my best friend when I was younger was a Yankee fan. His whole family was. And I was just the butt of the joke my whole life. Like every time. It was like the Red Sox can't win. Fucking Patriots can't win. They lost in – it was 94, 96, whatever it was.

The Bruins and Jeremy Jacobs were hated. Celtics hadn't done anything since Bird left. It was just like we were lovable losers. And I never had anything I could say. I never had anything. Yeah, exactly. I had never had a comeback, never had anything, and Tom Brady came and gave me a seat at the cool table.

And forever thankful. He gave me a comeback. He gave me status. He gave me a seat at the table. And you can't get – like, it's just's it's nice to look back on i think like already like it's like it's a little a little easier to be like wow that was and like i get it i understand that what i'm saying sounds like it yeah i know what you mean by saying that but also like i don't know sports is culture now and like if you were to say that about a fucking artist or a musician or a writer or something, people are more inclined to like to think that's normal or whatever.

But for us, it's it's athletes for us. It's sports. So, I mean, fuck that. It is a little bit goofy. Like, I'm sure the guys who are like, I don't wear another man's name on my back. I don't wear jerseys. They might think that's a little weird. But for – I think he transcends that. I don't wear – I'm not a big jersey guy. So like he – but Tom Brady – I'm not a big jersey guy, but I'll wear a fucking t-shirt with only Tom Brady's face all over it. Right, right, right. That's just a style choice.

It's not a – He's just – he's like bigger than even that hatred. I mean he's one of the biggest things I think that will ever happen to – I think it's like Brady 1, maybe Paul Revere 2. I don't know. Yeah. I mean it's Jordan. It's Brady.

It changes culture. And everything you just described there is what I like – what is, what sucks about my existence. Because like watching the games itself would be awesome and going to a parade would be awesome. But everything you described is like, I've never been able to stand up for myself. I've never had the comeback. I've had to deal with, you know,

if a fucking weasel like Hubs walks in the room, he's got the upper hand on me. Like no matter what, no matter who they are, no matter who I am, no matter how old they are, no matter how much I should have the upper hand on them. I never do. And there's never a, you know, you never get included in the conversations. You never have, I don't know. I never have anything to contribute on a rundown when we're talking about championships. It's like a huge piece of what you want is missing. When you're a sports fan and you're cursed with these teams and you want that lifestyle, you want to be able to talk about it.

You want to be able to banter and contribute and reminisce and all that shit, and you can't. It's like ah it's like you know i want to play coach put me in put me in and i'm on a bed bro you know it was it's it was an incredible time of my life and it's the it was like he was he was the only constant in new england for i mean him and belichick obviously but like for 20 years no matter what happened in your life like Tom Brady was there people would like it didn't matter we get it was never the front of your mind but it was always like the people say sports is an escape a lot and it was always like you could escape to Tom Brady you could it would be stupid like it could just be a goat discussion there's a dumb debate But it was something to talk about.

And he took that away from us by just becoming the... There's no debate he had anymore. He is the GOAT. But there was always just something he could... Brady Manning. Brady Montana. You could always take your mind

off something. And I don't ever actively try and do that. I think that's actually kind of lame when people are like, sports are an escape. Don't stop me on Darn The Anthem. I'm not looking for an escape, but it's just nice to have something to talk about. It's a little safety net, you know? Right. Man.

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Let me ask you this. What would you prefer? We'll do a little ATI almost here. Next year, Bill Belichick throws his dick on the table. You guys go – you still go 13-3 with fucking Jason Statham as your quarterback. And you make the Super Bowl. You don't win it, but you make it. And Tom Brady is just awful in Tampa Bay.

Like, it's like you got to put him out to pasture. He's getting beat up. He's injured. He stinks. He's a laughing stock. Tampa Bay is disappointed. And Tom Brady kind of has to like limp out, but the Patriots are still, you know, Bill proves it was him. The Patriots are still the center of the sports world. It's an unbelievable story. They did it without Brady. Would you sign for that? No. What about if they win the Super Bowl no wow it was it's the I'll I'm happy with them winning the Super Bowl and Tom Brady not winning the Super Bowl I can't see him go out like that and I go I know that's how everyone goes out and you know Jordan on the Wizards that was said. In fact, one thing that I found to be, I guess, relaxing yesterday

or reassuring was all the viral – not viral pics, but all the people tweeting legends in different uniforms. And 90% of them I didn't even remember. You forget. Dante put up every single one on his Instagram story. Pedro on the Phillies? Never remembered. Manny on the White Sox?

Because we talk about that one kind of comes up occasionally. I genuinely have no recollection of Manny Ramirez on the Tampa Bay Rays. I was going to say the White Sox. Jared brought up the White Sox the other day, and that was the only reason I remember that. I didn't know he was on the Rays. There was a picture of him in a R jersey i actually have i have that might have

been photoshopped there is no way there was like there was something we'll talk about all the time like like uh ai on the on the grizzlies like so i know that one because it's brought up as something that didn't happen a lot but manny on the wait, wait. Let me rattle through these because Dante put up 1,000, and it was like, oh, shit. So Jordan on the Wizards, Carmelone on the Lakers, John Smoltz on the Sox. I guess I remember that one. Akeem Olajuwon on the Raptors, Yogi Berra on the Mets, Marty Brodeur was out on the Blues. Yeah, that one was a sad one because he i believe he owed a lot of money in child support so he just he really went out like he knew he didn't have it anymore

that wasn't even like a love of the game that was i straight up legally the uh prime time on the ravens uh griffey on the white socks barb on the on jets manny on the white socks uh sammy sosa on the rangers i mean the list goes duane wade on the bulls that Manny on the White Sox, Sammy Sosa on the Rangers. I mean, the list goes. Dwayne Wade on the Bulls. That was a weird one. Like, when they were doing the whole goodbye in Miami, I forgot that he just wasn't, you know, he was one of those guys.

Namath on the Rams. Some dude, a couple hockey guys, I don't know here. Frank Thomas on the Blue Jays, whatever. Pedro on the Phillies. Yeah, Manny on the Rays is there. I mean, Emmitt Smith on the Blue Jays? Never. Pedro on the Phillies. Yeah, Manny on the Rays is there. I mean, Emmitt Smith on the Cardinals. KG and Paul Pierce in Brooklyn. Patrick Ewing on the fucking Magic.

Him on the Sonics and on the Magic is just a crime to New York. Shaq on the Celtics. No more in Oakland? Yeah, don't remember that. Not at all. I mean, there are some all-time greats that have done it but the only thing i'll say is that brady's better see i i talked about this with kirk today

he was like i think this is a non-story you know kirk goes and he was like said what you said you know i don't remember any of those guys the difference is tom brady's still good tom brady's probably better than everybody that we just mentioned by a wide margin when they went to their second team I mean Jordan had been out of the game for a while Gretzky was you know he was washed up right like Brady not too long ago won MVP so I mean he I I still believe I think he struggled last year. Will you, now that it's done, do you still stand by that, like, he's still just as good as he always was? Oh, I'm very excited to see him on Bruce Arian's offense.

He – Bruce Arian's offense throws the number one passes from 10 to 20 yards. That's obviously been, like, the thing that, like, oh, Brady's a check down guy. He's – Tom Brady has led the NFL over the last five years in passes from 10 to 20 yards. yards that's obviously been like the thing that like oh brady's a check down guy he's tom brady has led the nfl over the last five years in passes from 10 to 20 yards he's an assassin i'm excited to see what happens there i think i think it'll be fun to watch he's got crazy weapons gotta go up on some line like i'm he's never there have been a few times in doing when he just didn't have anything he always had scar neck yes so heacki so he always had a good line the weapons sometimes lacked and he'd turn them into something but there were plenty of times where he had pretty good weapons you know yeah yeah yeah I mean

in all time you had Randy Moss you had Edelman Welker that narrative that narrative gets thrown out whichever direction fits the argument at the time. Brady had weapons. He makes everyone around him good. Or like, well, look, he had a lot of, you know, it's somewhere in between. He does make you better. He has made some scrubs serviceable. But he's also had some fucking awesome players too. So pretty much like every other guy, it's pretty normal. But I will be able to take the Patriots not being great.

Now, a dream scenario, they play in the Super Bowl. It's in Tampa. It's Bucs-Patriots. That's the dream. Can you imagine? Holy shit. But I would be able to take a Patriots rebuild, a reload, or whatever. I'd be okay with that.

I would not be able to take Tom Brady being sad being sad yeah that would crush me more than him leaving that would crush me more than the patriots have it in a few years to kind of you know fix things that would be if he's just like a sad guy who's out there which is not i don't think he will be no i wonder what it's like for him like it's got to be a decent amount of pressure. Probably for a guy like him, he probably loves the idea of a new canvas to paint with. I'm just thinking about him walking into the locker room and giving a speech. That's what I'm most jealous of for athletes like that because I'm 35 years old. I'm a fucking mess.

I don't think about like playing football. I'm not like, oh, I wish I could sling the football like Tom Brady and be a professional athlete. But I wish that I had like his moxie and his like ability to lead and shit like that. Like, like whenever we do our live shows, I'm always like, I don't know how to open the show. I'm not like the pump up guy. I'm not the big energy guy. Like, he's going to walk in that locker room and give a fucking speech and have the young guys on him and the veterans rallying around him. And he's going to have the Tampa Bay Bucs believing. You know what I mean? And I'm like, oh, I wish – like, everybody can use that, whether you're fucking a cube monkey or an athlete or what we do.

If you have that mentality, you can put that into any job and that's i'm like thinking about him being like i'm gonna go down to tampa bay and i'm gonna fucking like boom we're gonna be the real deal and he knows it believes it and he's probably gonna do it that's so fucking sick it's so dope it's like that's what it's about that's like yeah he's got a great arm but that's what like the great athletes that's what they can provide that nobody else can because the other guys who go in there and try to do that shit they're like yeah whatever dude shut the fuck up like take a hike and it was it was with him it's so crazy where there have been you know so many videos and stuff like that put out where like he just was that guy he didn't even need success to be it

where it was like it was an interview with drew bledsoe when brady got named the number two starter and jumped over damien heward and uh damien heward and uh the bledsoe was like it's nothing against heward he's like tommy's just come in here he's seized the opportunity and he's playing great football. Right. And he's fucking working it. And it's just like he's – everyone likes him. He works his ass off. He's inspiring.

And it's like you were his sixth-round pick. How are you coming in and doing that? How do you have that confidence right now? Right. Like maybe after he just got plugged in and won the Super Bowl and it's just like – but like but like he had it from jump street for what reason like he had no business he had no business believing in himself like that you know and that's where that's where i do sometimes realize like you know who was it your mom said like if no one's good if you're not gonna vote for yourself who's gonna vote for you right like it really is true it's kind of corny it's kind of cliche but like when you're dealing with

haters or people chirping and shit it's like if you don't believe it's fucking awesome why why the fuck should they so you got to just like walk around like it's the truth but when you don't have like the resume to back it up and you know you shouldn't feel that way it's wild that he did. And then he just fucking proved it. Fucking awesome. Let's move on. We got to talk about heartburn because I loaded up on food, none of which is healthy. All of it's snacks, all of it's meat and spicy.

I had, you know what I had for dinner last night? An entire fucking jar of salsa and chips, okay? So if we're going down this road with the quarantine, it is going to be a long couple months for my stomach, for my throat, because heartburn is the real deal. Feidelberg is like, Feidelberg is about to pass away from heartburn one day. I don't know if you can die from it, but you might be the first case of death by heartburn. So we got an answer for you.

It's omeprazole. Now, I don't know if you're still living in the past, taking a pill, putting in your mouth, drinking water and swallowing it. But why don't you come join us in the future where Omeprazole orally disintegrating tablets can take care of your heartburn. You put it under your tongue, it disintegrates away and pow, you don't got any more heartburn. You can also use it on a regular basis where you take it every day for 14 days, and it will just overall knock down your heartburn. It takes one to four days for the full effect to kick in, but the omeprazole will help you keep it at bay even before you start eating. So you take it every day rather than just after a big meal or after something spicy or hot. So you'll never have to worry about it.

I just started getting heartburn and it's the worst. I mean, I've heard you guys complain about it before, but I was always like, what is it? I don't know. You burp, it hurts a little bit, whatever. I get this feeling like right underneath my heart almost like in my ribs and it's like i mean it's debilitating it's crippling and and i sit up in bed and i feel fine i lay down it hurts like what the fuck is this i google it it's like textbook heartburn it is the absolute worst i don't know how you deal with it all the time puddleberg that shit is off i gotta get on the numbers to get off it but it's just become part of it i'm just like yeah that's the way it works so i'll stay ahead of it uh you can learn more and find on meprizol orally disintegrating

tablets at a retailer near you uh we'll put the link to uh the retailers near you in our show notes and we'll also tweet it out so be on the lookout for that uh speaking of trying to sleep at night i believe you had your the first ever kfc radio documented case of sleep paralysis oh i i don't want it i think it was sleep paralysis because it was it here's the difference that i i feel like maybe someone actually has sleep paralysis. They tell me this is what happened. I absolutely couldn't move. I was conscious. I couldn't move.

But I didn't just feel the person in the room. I felt them, like, come up the stairs in my apartment. And it looked like The Undertaker. It was just from behind. It had, like, a big coat and, like, a hat. And I was laying right here. I fell asleep on the couch because, like, time doesn't exist in this quarantine type deal right where it was like last night i i drank a bunch of milk and fell asleep at about 9 p.m and then i woke up at 11 30

on the couch and uh and um i thought it was 11 30 a.m so i was like oh fuck this is crazy but then i switched sides and laid over here again i was like i realized it was nighttime30 AM. So I was like, Oh fuck, this is crazy. But then I switched sides and laid over here again. I was like, I realized it was nighttime. So I had time to go back to bed. Right. And I was, I was stirring a lot. Right. And, and I always, I have like all of my documented panic happens in my unconscious. Like I've had panic attacks where I wake up and it feels like I'm having like, uh, it feels like I'm in the middle of an earthquake and it's just my heartbeat beating on the bed. Um, and those times I take myself to the

hospital, but this one, um, this one was like, it wasn't, there wasn't the heartbeat, but I could feel like I couldn't get up. Right. And I had this clicker in my hand and it was almost like in um in what you would call it in uh house on haunted hill where it's like you could see the thumb moving right and i was like flicking this to be honest i thought it was my ukulele um so i thought i was strumming it i hate your guts and i like, I was trying to move. And eventually my head just snapped. It almost felt like someone was holding my head and wasn't letting it. And then I let go.

And I twisted fast. And I popped up and there was no one there. But it was absolutely terrifying, Kevin. It was. It's the first time it's ever happened to me. Again, I always feel like in what I've heard about sleep paralysis, the spirit is always in the room with you. I followed this motherfucker from my front door.

So it was like, it definitely started as a dream and then kind of just like I thought he was in the room with me. It was awful. He even had the Undertaker's fucking entrance. Like he was coming up my stairs, guess what? It was blue light and smoky. And then this thing in my room that i wanted to look at and couldn't until it went and he wasn't there dude i mean i i was so skeptical i didn't believe in sleep paralysis i used to make fun of it

and then all of our listeners who suffer from it tell told us it was true and i just shut my fucking mouth about it because if i ever i said if i ever start to get that i'll have to go to the loony bin i'll have to kill myself i can't i that that will fucking that's some freddy krueger shit i'll never go to sleep at night i'll just be sitting there at night like nope nope not going to sleep i mean that is i've been having i don't have sleep paralysis but i have nightmares all the fucking time and i pop up we talked about this recently where like i'm pretty sure i was almost dead like i wasn't breathing for a little while because i wake up like and i'm like how long was i like how long did i not have oxygen and i pop up and i'm convinced that i'm dead i'm like that's it i died and this is like the afterlife now i'm in my dark room and this is now heaven hell purgatory

whatever and like i didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone and then i like shake off all I'm in my dark room, and this is now heaven, hell, purgatory, whatever. And, like, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone. And then I, like, shake off all the cobwebs, realize I just had a nightmare, go back to sleep. And that scares me enough. If I'm ever physically stuck, boy, I'm going right to the fucking loony bin. I could just move this finger. And it was, like, almost, like, peaceful. Like, almost, like, as if I was, like, a professional guitarist,ist and that was the ukulele was my safety blanket like i don't know i still

want to play ukulele i still haven't really gotten to this book yet kevin we're being perfectly honest how's your spanish going it's i don't know the book i don't think i'm ever gonna get because amazon has prioritized their orders now and i don't think spanish young adult novels are let me tell you something let me tell you something i hope someone from amazon has listened to our show i hope that you ordering two books in english and spanish young adult to learn how to speak it i hope it's literally the last order of priority because it. It's the least important thing in the world right now. Is you learning Spanish from a fucking Spanish vampire book. It was.

No, it's called The Prince of Mist. Wait. By Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Let me see the cover. I mean, is that the guy? Is that it? That's it. That's exactly who it is, Kevin. That's it. Like The Undertaker it that's it exactly who it is kevin looks like the undertaker that's it it's got the hat and the it's every that's him that's that's literally exactly what it was you held it up and i was like wait a second blue mist scary guy he even looks like he has the hat

on yeah that had never crossed my mind it was right here next to me it wasn't on the table it was under the table i was like we're looking at it as you fell asleep or something holy shit that's fucking terrifying how the brain works that's wild man oh my god what a catch by you i i mean i looked at the book and i still didn't it didn't register That's exactly what it was. Oh, my God. What a catch by you. I mean, I looked at the book, and it still didn't register to me. That's fucking exactly what it is. The Prince of Mist came to pay you a visit last night.

Thank God, because guess what? I thought The Undertaker was a pretty lame one. Let me tell you something. if you're having sleep paralysis nightmares about your young adult novel that ain't great either i haven't even read it i just i've just subconsciously looked at the cover oh the prince of mist dude that that shit is fucking dude what what if throughout the whole quarantine you start to suffer from sleep paralysis like regularly i i honestly don't think that's the crazy i have i think that a lot of people are gonna have to deal with stuff like that yeah it's fucking i it's definitely probably just because i'm

consistently refreshing twitter and reading threads about how dangerous it is and all that's what i was attributing it to i wasn't attributing to the book i was attributing to the fact that i'm just fucking stressed out all the time now right and it's i'm not saying it's like everyone should be it's not good that i am but i'm just i'm like fucking i jammed a funnel down my throat and i'm just like all the bad news let me read every fucking scary statistic and fact we are way too plugged in i think for this because i'm here and we're hearing every rumor every every everything and i don't know what's true what's not what's real what you can rely upon and it's just like it's crippling it's just like well okay we all might as well just fucking die actually that brings us to our next segment we got to talk about the number one coronavirus conspiracy theory going around.

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So hop on DoorDash now and hit up Outback. It's a no brainer. You can order it right to your door. You don't have to go shopping. You don't have to cook. And it comes all. Oh, you know what you got to get to the cheesecake. Get the cheesecake with like a raspberry sauce drizzle.

I mean, I know what I'm doing for dinner i mean i know what i'm doing for dinner tonight i know what i'm doing for dinner tonight it's outback you should too get yourself a steak the bread the blooming onion and the cheesecake it's the official kfc radio meal of outback so download door dash and uh and get your outback on so for those who haven't heard there's a wild conspiracy theory floating around. Regarding coronavirus. That actually got Oprah to reply to it. Which I think is pretty fucking funny. I don't think I'd ever even give this the time of day.

If I was one of these celebrities. But it's this one long paragraph. That's floating around. And it started. This is like probably four days ago now, I guess. And it's basically insinuating that the coronavirus is one big deep state cover-up while the infamous Hollywood pedophile ring is being taken down. So Tom Hanks does not have coronavirus.

He was arrested for pedophilia charges, according to this conspiracy theory, and that he's being kept in a hotel room in Australia because he's refusing to fly back to the US. So this is all a cover up to bring these guys to justice. And I guess because they don't want, you know, everyone being shamed or all of Hollywood crumbling, this is kind of being or I don't know if it's like the Illuminati trying to protect them, whatever it may be. The Italy airports have been completely shut down. The reason why Italy is totally shut down is because it's the Vatican and all their financial officials that are being caught for child trafficking and sex abuse. They say that the next celebrity arrests are going to be Celine Dion, Madonna, Charles Barkley and Kevin Spacey. So they're next to be people claiming that they're going to have coronavirus. And also that Harvey Weinstein has agreed to bring down Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, Tom Hanks, Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, Quentin Tarantino, Charlie Sheen, Bob Saget, Kevin Spacey, John

Travolta, Steven Spielberg, and all of the Pizzagate guys. And that this all ties into Jeffrey Epstein, and it all ties into the reason why the CEOs of Harley Davidson, McDonald's, Disney, the Vatican chief of police, everybody's been stepping down and it's all related. Now, Oprah actually responded to this and said, I just got a phone call that my name is trending. I'm being trolled for some fake, awful thing. It's not true. Now, the story said that Oprah had a bunch of underground tunnels at her mansion, at her estate, to smuggle children and sex trafficking through her property. So she said, I'm just sanitizing and self-distancing with the rest of the world. Stay safe, everybody.

I mean, that one runs deep. But I guess apparently people are saying that like the same QAnon accounts that are saying this had also said stuff about Weinstein and I guess other other stories that came to fruition but like Weinstein was like the worst kept secret in the world but there are the there are people out there who really believe this I I don't like these it's I I like conspiracy theories about things in the past this is like fucked up stuff that like fucks with people who are living I don't think that's I know i think like like if you want to fucking i think the moon landing happened but if you want to joke about that or

whatever that's fine this shit like imagine oprah last night like this all happens in the dead of night i think when i woke up from my milk nap uh 11 30 i saw oprah was trending and i was like what's this all about and i clicked it it. Just stop. My milk nap. I mean, you're becoming Charlie Kelly. I almost, what we should have done, I should have just quarantined with you. And we could have just been Frank and Charlie doing night crawlers. Like we could have been, I could have had my toe knife. We could have been cooking on the fucking radiator.

We could have just been wearing our boxers, sleeping head to toe in bed together. A milk nap. Did you see Hubs eating milk steak? Yeah, that was disgusting. I mean, what the fuck? Like, he willingly put that picture out. If you guys didn't see, go check out Hubs' Twitter. He put up a picture of, like, hand sanitizer, a bottle of wine, and his London Royal that he cooked.

That looked like a gray piece of like diseased meat it was that looked good was he like oh yeah like look at me i made steak tonight i'm getting shame for my london broil bitch i don't know what london broil is but that ain't it that looked like a fucking gray dead piece of fucking bark holy shit anyway um but with like like with these with these fucking things when they when they have the possibility of becoming real like again it was 11 30 p.m and i was like what the fuck what's over trying and i clicked on it and there was just there was nothing it was just all jokes about her being a pedophile and like i just remember the pizza gate thing where that got real like someone stormed Pizzagate with a gun.

And that's where I'm like, well, I don't know. Because there are great people who believe it. And someone might storm Oprah's thing with a gun. And these ones, you're fucked up. You're fucked up if you one, invent it, obviously. But two, if you perpetuate it,

it's not even something you can joke like we can't even joke about pedophilia so what are we doing twitter you can't do it could you imagine in fact i mean like i think we had talked about this before like who's the one person that if they got me too'd if tom hanks was smuggling kids i mean just blow up the whole fucking planet if it was true because there's just nothing to believe in anymore. Well, of course it's not. No, of course it's not.

But I do wonder if it just seems like – I'm not saying this is true, but I believe that something might be out there. Like when Bill Gates was like, this shit's coming. I like, I don't think that like the, the disease is a conspiracy theory, but I feel like heads of state,

like not, not like being ready for it or the way they're handling it. Like, I think there's all sorts of possibilities. Like, I think there are people out there who are probably like, we need population control. We need to do, like, this is the right thing.

Like, I wouldn't put it past, there are bad people out there who are in power or in control who I think are probably not handling this the right way because of, like, crazy shit. Well, yeah, no one's handled it the right way, but I don't know. It's kind of one of those things where like, I have opinions on it,

but I, like, I don't think I'm informed enough to even, I think it would be irresponsible to be like, well, this is what I think. I'm kind of at, at the stage of it now where I'm having fucking sleep paralysis,

where I just think like, I'm at the Jurgen Klopp stage where he's like yeah like we don't know what the fuck don't listen to me yeah we don't know what you're talking about i mean sure those things are possible but i'm such a naive idiot that i just believe that i do i just wholeheartedly believe people are good vast majority of people are good that i don't believe in i feel like when there's blood in the streets that there are people who are like, this is our time. This is our time to take over or our time to install

our regime or whatever. So I think there's probably going to be a lot of... There are some people like that, but it's not the vast majority. The majority of people are working people who are buying gift cards to local bars and Venmoing bartenders. I think that's what most people are singing on their fucking balconies.

Yeah, the regular people. I think the people who are in power see this as like an opportunity, which is fucked. But I'm sure I'm sure that there are people with governments who are like, well, we'll like we'll offer government assistance now. And then when this passes, we like control everything. Like this is our chance to take more power, which is fucked up, but that's probably the reality of the world we live in now, so. Yeah, it probably is, but I just, I don't know. Again, I know I'm a naive idiot, but I, like, believe in, like, checks and balances, and I just believe, and I'm wrong.

I'm proven wrong regularly. I believe that, like, a whole room of people wouldn't make an evil decision. And again, I'm always wrong. But it just still hasn't convinced me otherwise yet. We're just a couple of assholes trying to figure out if other people are assholes. So let's get into our Thursday edition of Am I the Asshole? Feidelberg's got a couple of them to read out. We will be the judge jury

and executioner uh whether you are a dick or not let's go these are i was stunned when i saw both of these and the first response was what it was and like the top response was what it was so you disagree with what the general public is saying yeah yeah because there are times where i sometimes i don't know what to think like i'm like nah that guy's not an asshole and i see all disagree with what the general public is saying yeah yeah because there are times where i sometimes i don't know what to think like i'm like nah that guy's not an asshole and i see all the comments are saying he's an asshole i'm like are they wrong or am i i don't know what's it am i the asshole we'll test your uh test your morals really okay i'm not even gonna read the headline of this i'm just gonna read the story my friend who I'll call Janto as a fake name.

I mean, how about we use a regular fake name? How about Frank? J-A-N-T-O. Janto. We'll call Janto as a fake name. He's always around telling people he's a professional chef. When we talk to new people at a bar or wherever, he always says, I'm a professional chef.

Whenever anyone asks him what he does, he says he's a professional chef. Whenever anyone asks him what he does, he says he's a professional chef. John Toe is actually a cook at Applebee's. And I don't want to diss Applebee's or anything, but it's not like they're cooks. They're not designing recipes or making anything complex. I think most of it is pre-prepared in some fashion. It probably comes from Applebee's factory in Mongolia or something. And they follow very specific steps to reheat it or who knows what.

But there's no chefing going around. Also, whenever we are with people and the topic of food comes up, he will chime in and conclude something I should know. I'm a professional chef after all. So I've taken to whenever he says he's a professional chef, I butt in and laugh and say, he's a cook at Applebee's. Or I will say, oh, really? Say what restaurant?

Where are you chef at? He gets very angry every time I do this and is currently not speaking to me. And it's caused drama in my friend group. About two-thirds side with him. And some are saying I'm right in spirit, but should not have mocked him and others saying he's not wrong at all. One guy who I'll call Big Mac-o, God. I mean. Even said it does count and he is a chef the other one third are on my side i think it's ridiculous for janto to claim to be the man

to claim the mantle of professional chef they're still arguing with each other now because of it so what is the answer and the top answer you're the asshole on what goddamn fucking planet am i the asshole for telling my friend hey bud you're not a fucking chef you use a microwave at albis i don't think they have ovens at this place yo that guy's an asshole for his fake names but not for this that guy what if i once worked at a fucking uh snack bar at a country club. I flipped a fucking egg sandwich in the morning. And am I, do I run around saying I'm a professional chef? I made bagels at a coffee shop. Am I a professional cook?

Get the fuck out of here. I actually wouldn't have a problem if he, if he didn't lay it on too thick. If someone asked him what he does and he was just like, I'm a chef. I'd be like all right fine but the whole like i should know after all all that kind of shit like i'll let you exaggerate a little bit because we all do for sure you know if you ask me what i'm doing and i say i'm a writer you know that probably most people would probably imply that i'm writing a book or a novel or you know whatever and i'm writing Fine. So I'd let you slide to an extent.

And I bet you this friend did. I think he probably reached his breaking point and was eventually like, you work for fucking Applebee's. Shut up. Yeah, it seems like the line has been crossed. It would be like, I should know a professional chef. I mean, I don't even say I was ever a bartender. I made drinks at a bar, but i wasn't like a bartender right it

wasn't like cocktail and shit like that yeah it wasn't even a popular bar the bar was on a boat it was pretty casual where i'd kind of like walk around and someone would be like hey can i get a drink and i go get you a fucking drink it's like i did like guest services i and right and a bartender does not have the clout that a fucking chef does. You say you're a chef. I think you're a fucking Michelin-graded fucking guy whipping up duck laurant. Yeah, you got the hat on. You're putting, like, the drizzle on the plate and the presentation. And they – you know what? You know what the real test is, I bet?

Do they call you chef? I always think that's so ridiculous in, like, on Chopped and shit where they're like, chef, hey, chef. Excuse me, chef. Chef. Like, it's his name in in applebee's they're like hey uh alfonso like whatever you know i mean hey whatever the fuck the name was you just say your name like hey grab some of those frozen buffalo chicken strips and throw them in the deep fryer that's when you're opening up big bags of frozen shit and pouring it into a deep fryer you cannot say you're a professional chef dude this chef thing is the craziest thing though like my

girlfriend worked hr at a restaurant and she'd call me she'd be like chef was a dick today like no i can't take that i'm like excuse me i can excuse me? I think my sister legitimately worked at a country club. It wasn't like the snack bar, but it was like, it kind of was like the snack bar. And she had to call the guy chef. And I remember being like, she was like a teenager. So I was like, you need to go in there and call that guy his fucking first name right now. And she was like too afraid to do it. But I would, unless you legit have a Michelin star, I'm not calling you chef.

Honestly, even if you do, if I know you, I mean I guess it's like – and it's so preposterous that it even invokes this kind of belief. But it's like doctor. And like if I know you personally, I'm not calling you doctor right i'm calling you tom i'll allow the chef like where's the chef that's because that's a thing but to give it like a title and they always i feel like they say it more they'll be like yes chef thank you chef can i help you they always actually use the word that is the most pretentious bullshit fucking ever, and especially if you're a goddamn Applebee's. This guy needs a whole new friend set.

Two-thirds of them were on the other guy's side, right? And look, I'll be honest. Even if you were being an over-the-top dick about it, if we were in front of strangers, I would not call you out. Right. So I don't know if he did it in front of strangers. But if, like, if word is in our friend group did i don't let this shit fly one time no and that's something you gotta like call him out with the friend group to know hey you sound like a fucking asshole when

you're in front of other people i'm not gonna i'm not gonna roast you in front of everybody else but you're being fucking ridiculous right what's the next one? The next one is... Nick Foles to the Bears. What's up? Nick Foles to the Bears. Foles to the Bears, huh? No big dick Nick for Portnoy. That honestly, I can rest a little easier.

I had nightmares of Nick Foles sliding into New England and Portnoy doing the big dick Nick thing and winning a title with him and just absolutely wanting to puke my fucking brains out. That's interesting. What are they trading for? Fourth round pick? That's a big contract he's got, though. Isn't he owed like $28 million this year?

Probably, right? Yeah. I don't know. I just saw the text from Nick, but I didn't see Oh, I didn't see all these texts. We got a little talky in our KFC Radio group chat. Yeah, I agree. I don't like anything other than just like scheduled shit, you know know i had to get

muted that's why i missed a lot of text now because i muted it because it was everyone listening because the producers listening to this we got a little talky too much jokes too much like did you see this or that it's like nope just when are we recording what do we need what's going on the group chats are basically like emails right those are business only this it's and we look i love everyone you can text me on the side if you want right the group chat is for that so yes i've missed all these apparently steven chay was also talking shit about me on the act steven chay i'm not ready to address you that Oh, boy. That's not happening yet. If you have to go to war with Stephen Che,

that's a world I did not see coming. I don't know that I'll have... The gusto? I don't know that I... Because that... Then it's, like,

really real. Like, I have to fucking argue with Stephen Che. Right. Stephen Che, just send us the fucking ad emails. Then everyone at Barstool gets into content.

Like just sell the ads. Tell us what ads we got to read. Where are we here though? Okay, yeah. Am I the asshole for making fun of my boyfriend during a funeral? I mean off the bat, I'm going to say yes. You're going to have to sway me otherwise. Off the bat, I'm going to say yes. You're going to have to sway me otherwise. Off the bat, I'd say no.

Okay. But I think he's going to sway you. Okay. The title makes it sound much worse than it actually is. So my boyfriend is into bass. You play the bass, right? Yeah, the bass. Yeah.

I was like, the bass? What? Okay, the bass. And is a band member member he loves playing it i've told him a few times that the reason he's dating the only reason he's dating me is because he couldn't date his bass truth be told i don't understand his obsession but i don't really particularly care while we're moving to our new apartment i dropped one of his bases down the stairs by accident and the neck broke my boyfriend was devastated because it was the very first base

he got and took the broken pieces into what with him into the new apartment despite me suggesting maybe we should throw it out anyway yesterday he somberly announced he was going to give a funeral to the base and bury it in a small plot of land the red with the rest of his band members so i tagged along he gave a eulogy for the bass and buried it shallowly afterwards i was like hey at least that old thing kicked the bucket and we can chill out together now he seemed hurt and the lead singer messaged me privately calling me an asshole am i the asshole i just wanted to turn a dark mood light yes you're the asshole top result Top result. I mean, everybody get coronavirus. Everybody fucking die.

Dude, I didn't think it was an asshole when I thought they were at a funeral for a human being. A funeral for a fucking bass? This is where I can't stand anybody. This is like the chef. It's like you're in a garage band, dude. I get it. You love your music. You love the bass.

Let's not take it so far where I have to, like, make fun of your fucking hobby. Right. I don't care if you're Prince. I don't care if you're fucking Eric Clapton with your guitar. You don't have a fucking funeral for an object, an inanimate object. Get the fuck out of here. She is the asshole because her joke was quite underwhelming. Maybe you could have said something like, I hear breaking your neck is the best way to go.

I hear there's no pain when you break your neck. Maybe something like that, little lady. But – You have the drummer in the background hit you with the rim shot. But despite that fact, I mean, I am... I think I've said it before, but one of the lines in music history that has resonated with me the most is,

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral. Can't understand what I mean. You soon will. You soon will. I've never been to a funeral where I wasn't at least... And I'm not...

Look, I'm not doing a fucking stand-up set at least not and i'm not look i'm not doing a fucking stand-up set at it but i'm trying to lighten the mood just lighten a little bit you know i'm not trying to tell fucking laugh out loud boisterous stories but maybe i'll nudge you and i'll fucking make a quiet comment about someone else there maybe it's my friend who's passed away, I'll nudge you and make a quiet comment about him. But I'm always trying to just make it a little more fun. And if we can't have fun at fucking dead bass's funerals, what are we doing here anymore? We had a funeral for the guitar. It was a whole thing.

I mean, Jesus Christ. I can't stand people. I would actually like it. I would think she was the asshole if she did not like the idea of the funeral. And it was a New Orleans-style funeral where they were having fun with it. And it was just a good time. And it was like, look, this was an important piece of my life. Let's jokingly bury it.

Didn't they do a funeral for, like, Larry? Or didn't the Minifans do a funeral for something or something like that? They did a funeral for Larry. For sure. Minifans had some kind of gathering. Right. There was a funeral for Larry, and that was, like... For fun. It's like, whatever. But if we're having fucking

genuine things where we can't make jokes at this funeral, you are the asshole. Yo, I don't think I could date somebody, by the way. Could you date somebody who, like, thinks they're a musician and they're not, but they take you, like, seriously like they are? Like, I don't want to be an asshole and, like like rain on your parade or shit on your shit on your hobby but i need some level of self-awareness where it's like you know that you just do this like in your spare time with your friends right like if i had someone who like thinks they're really gonna like make it big when i know they're not which i guess is that's you know that's kind of how it goes i'm sure every big band at one point was that so you have

like i said earlier about that tom brady mentality you gotta have it but when it's like come on i think i kind of like it yeah i don't know if i could do it like i would like to be like i'd like to be a relationship like they can't like anything you can't be talking like oh you're gonna be a big star but i would like to date someone who does like live music at a bar yeah yeah that's fine i'm saying like anything you can't be talking like oh you're gonna be a big star but i would like to date someone who does like live music at a bar yeah yeah that's fine i'm saying like if you had the chef version of an of an instrument you know if someone was like in the friend group being like well like when we're on tour we're gonna have to figure out like what we do you know what i mean it's like okay relax they're doing open mics for free. I don't think I could do that. I think I would be too embarrassed.

Yeah, it's tough. It sounds terrible, but it's young. Yuck and yums is not what we're here for. Yeah, yeah. But the self-awareness is the same thing. Again, the same thing. If we went around being like we're legitimate writers like that that would be crazy you know you're not you're writing up a lot and i'd be fine with that right because i have this self-awareness

where i'm like it's i write a stupid thing here and there occasionally right right right all right voicemail time today they are brought to you by miller light as always grab a miller light drink them whenever you want at this point. It's free reign. Always do it responsibly. But I feel like you can do it at 5 p.m., you can do it 5 a.m., you do want to do a little afternoon lunchtime. It doesn't matter because we're all stuck and we're all trying to make it through it. So get yourself a cold Miller Lite. Now, the best part is while you are indoors, you don't want to get heavy. You don't want to get fat.

And Miller Lite, brewed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is just 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. So you don't have to worry about ballooning up and getting bloated. And every time we do our show here, it's Miller time because we're kicking back with two buddies. We're kicking back with you, the buddies. We're kicking back with you, the listener. We're kicking back with everyone who calls in and leaves us a voicemail. So Miller Light, it's Miller time, the official voicemail beer. It's the original social media, really. We're getting back to basics here at Barstool. You should get back to basics with your social life to get together with your pals, find your friends, tell some stories, share some tales, ask some questions, play answer the Internet, ask am I the asshole, and do it all while sharing a round of Miller Lights.

So get yourself stocked up for the duration of this quarantine. Get a couple cases. Keep them in the fridge. Keep them on ice. And always be ready to have a little Miller time. So get your Miller Lite, celebrate responsibly from Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Let's get into it. Hang on, I got to open up the email.

How are you adjusting? You good? You just like, I'm like, I just remember the old days and I feel like I'm fine. Yeah, there is, the open-endedness of it is concerning but aside from that like i don't know yesterday i started showering in the mornings i had not been doing that yeah i'm showered i put on clothes i think that is an important thing i'm gonna cook today i'm like slowly trying to make it normal like i'd been ordering out I'd been eating like an asshole I've been drinking a lot of milk um today I'm gonna I'm gonna get

back I'm gonna read a little bit I'm gonna cook and we're gonna I'm gonna do that like five o'clock six o'clock I'm gonna try and get it because if it is it's i did i noticed pretty quickly like i spiral fast and it was like well let me ask you a question are you putting on jeans and pants pants yes i'm wearing like my comfy pants but they're like they're they're pants i wear to the office they're like fancy wool pants that's crazy that's crazy i'm just going from like one pair of pajamas to a clean pair of pajamas. I have like two pairs of pajamas, so I couldn't even. I just have so much Barstool indoors clothes that I'm just like, all right, I put on the gray pants, I put on the blue pants. I put on the gray pants, I put on the blue pants.

And it's just a constant rotation. You won't catch me in a pair of jeans for the next six months. All right, let's get to our voicemails. in rotation. You won't catch me in a pair of jeans for the next six months. Alright, let's get to our voicemails. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Pick a number between 1 and 5. 3. Knew you were going to say that. Did you? I feel like everyone

in the world says 3. What up? KFC. Super producer BC. So, this weekend, things got a little nuts on St. Practice Day. Me and my buddies ended up getting some tickets for pissing on the side of the road. Sucked at first, but then I got thinking, I wish I could give out tickets. If you have this little rule book notepad you can walk around with and hand out tickets as a citizen for things that aren't really illegal,

you know, deserve to be fined, not jail, but just give them a little fine for it they should know better uh what would you guys be handing out tickets for peace slow walkers yeah what was the question sorry i just saw a tweet and i got a blind rage so first tell me what the tweet was. First of all, it's viral. It's got 3,000 retweets. I don't know, a couple thousand likes. Breaking. Manti Teo's girlfriend is tested positive for coronavirus.

I'm furious, Kevin. I am beside myself with anger and rage and hatred in my heart right now. That is the worst tweet I've ever seen in my life. It doesn't make any sense. It's not timely.

It's just like, what are we going to do? A e-balling joke next? Planking? I mean, what the fuck? It's so fucking bad. I can't even. I can't even. I can't bad. I can't even. I can't even. I can't even.

I can't even. That makes no fucking sense. There's just no connection there at all. What the fuck? Anyway, the question's a good one. If you were like a cop, right, you had a pad of paper, you could give out tickets for anything you want. It doesn't even have to be a real crime. Just like a social crime, what you could give out tickets for anything you want doesn't even have to be a real crime just like a social crime what would you give out tickets for oh boy um mouth chewing anything anything rude to the table i'm i'm very i'm very prone to getting

angry at one bad tweets and two like mouth chewing or slurping if you're like soup or lip smacking anything along those lines anything anything remotely rude it's like you know this isn't some crazy idea uh fake hustle you gotta fake hustle for me 100% of the time i need a i need a fake hustle it's like when you're crossing the street or when you're in a car and someone's crossing the street. Yeah. You get a fake hustle. I probably move slower when I'm fake hustling. But I'm showing you that I'm not.

I'm acknowledging that I'm inconveniencing you and trying to make it lesser so. And I'm probably not, but at least I'm acknowledging it. My favorite one I ever do is with a waitress trying to squeeze by you and i just lean forward the chair stays where it is yeah forward and it's but it's at least i'm showing you something okay i'm being like i care i cared i don't care enough to really do something here right i care to acknowledge i should be doing something here i like that i need if you're not giving me fake hustle i can't have you in my life do you do the will you do the fake hustle if someone's holding the door for you oh yeah oh yeah how about if they do it too far away yeah no no matter what i'll fake hustle for sure i will not hold the door

too far away yeah that's what I don't... I'll Faye Custle up. My train station in the morning, I'm on the wrong side of the track, so I have to go up and over. So there's like a stairway that's probably like 40 stairs. It's a big stairway.

And at the top is a door. And there are people who hold the door for me at the top. When'm at, like, the middle landing, and I got to, like, run up the stairs. Upstairs is a lot. Yeah, so at that, I just keep my pace. I'm just like, fuck off, dude. I'll get to that.

You can let that door close. Thank you for the offer. I will just get it my goddamn self. I'm not going to run up the stairs for you to hold the door for me. Fuck off. Yeah, upstairs is... I'm doing slow walkers and people who are walking and texting i walk and text because i'm a fucking pro i got my head on a swivel i'm up down left right i can text i can walk i know what the light is i know where the cars are going i can do it i'm fine if you got

your head buried and you're bumping into me in New York, fuck off. Dude, my – it's – I think I'm a pro, but also I think pretty much everyone else is a pro too. And the – it is very funny. I'll get a good chuckle to myself basically every time I walk home. When I take a 30-second break to look up at some point in that 15-minute walk and see someone else walking with their phone and going, Jesus fucking Christ. Come on. Watch what you're doing. And then I'm right back in.

I'll be like, Johnny, you're such a dickhead. Bro, I'm like a chameleon, though. I feel like I got, like, one eye up and one eye down. I'm good. I can do it. Nobody else can. But I can do it. Fuck everybody else.

Oh, this is apropos. It's titled Getting Drunk to Beat Ghosts. So maybe you can beat the Prince of the Mist by drinking a little whiskey. What's up, KC Radio? Me and my buddies got all drunk up last weekend, and we got back to the house and decided to watch a scary movie, and we decided we had figured out how to beat any kind of ghost or demon, and it's just to get piss hammered up. I mean, the biggest part about a ghost is they like tormenting you, and so what if you walk in and it starts throwing chairs around the room and you just slide a bottle of whiskey

across the table and say listen here buddy we can either act like children or we can pound this bottle of whiskey you think you're scary i got demons all up in me what's he gonna do what's he gonna do you can't do anything if you're just blacked out drunk i think that's how you beat ghosts let me know what you guys think and see if it's a good idea or not. I couldn't really hear that one, so you're going to have to relay it to me. This might be the stupidest voicemail

we've ever got. He suggests that if there's a ghost and he's throwing chairs and tables around the room and it's all crazy and chaotic, you slide a bottle of whiskey on the room and it's all crazy and chaotic. You slide a bottle of whiskey on the table and you say, hey, listen here, ghost. We can either behave like children or behave like adults.

We can fight here or we can down this bottle of whiskey and behave like men. So he thinks offering a ghost a bottle of whiskey is the best way to beat the paranormal. I don't get it i mean if this is the kind of voicemails we're getting on day three i don't know what's gonna happen on day a hundred but like it's like it it's not like we don't know how to cure ghosts how do we do it you go and you kill whatever they want you to kill oh you just you just do their bidding yeah like so like before i fucking share a bottle of whiskey with a ghost i'm just gonna go murder its hex or whatever it wants me to do well what i was thinking was more i think the way to beat it is not to get the ghost drunk i think think if you're drunk, you're like immune to the ghost. Yeah, it's like being a drunk driver in a car accident.

You're usually the one who survives. Exactly. It's unfortunate, but it is the fact because you're not tensed up. You're just letting your crash down the car. You got to be loosey-goosey. If I'm stone-cold sober and I feel a cold mist come over my back and my neck and I hear the bump in the night and I hear the door creaking, I'm going to be scared. If I'm shit-faced, I'm going to be like, bro, pull up a chair. We're eating chips with con queso.

Like, I don't give a fuck, man. So I think being just shit-faced is the way that you just don't even care about the fact that you're getting haunted, period. Well, I don't know. Being drunk typically doesn't lead to de-escalation of situations well i think i think i'd have a better chance of surviving the chairs being thrown at me but i don't know that i would be like it just just historically speaking being being drunk is a negative in high-stress situations. I would agree with that, but I also would think that I'm not the type to fight when I'm sober. I'm not the type to fight when I'm drunk.

And so I would be more inclined to be like, would you just fucking knock it off, man? Come on. It'd be like you making those Mario Kart noises when you were fucking high. Just like, whatever, dude. Leave me alone. We'll do one more quick here. I only got 10 minutes before radio, and I got to log into the network and use my shit and all that stuff. So let's do this one.

Hey, KFC Fights. What's up? Tough situation. Want to get your thoughts. I am planning my college roommate's bachelor party three before their wedding. The bride gets cold feet, breaks things off. We're about two weeks away from the bachelor party. And her two brothers are now asking her, we're asking through her, she's asking that bachelor party and her two brothers are now

asking her, we're asking through her. She's asking that we pay back the two brothers for their share. Cause obviously it'd be awkward if they're coming into the bachelor party with us. So my thought is that too little, too late. We're two weeks away. Everything's booked. I pay for everything and it's their fault that this no longer happening. So I I'm voting for no payback. What do you guys think?

Is that an asshole rule or not? Bride calls it off. Bride's brothers were supposed to go to the bachelor party. Now they want their money back because they're no longer going. I don't understand. This guy's playing a bachelor party.

The wedding is no longer happening. The brothers of the bride had paid their share of the bachelor party, but are no longer going to go, and they want their money back. Yeah. I think that's fair. I think that you either – they either still like – Why does he have all the money? I don't know. Maybe he was the one – everybody –, like everybody – like I'll pay.

I'll put it on my card. You all pay me back, whatever it was. It sounded like he said everything is paid for. So maybe they already collected. I don't know. What is it? What's just – again, I haven't been to many bachelor parties. But like we all bought our own flights.

It was the way one person did get the Airbnb or whatever. So that's all I'm thinking. Like that's all they could possibly owe, like $300, right? Well, I guess, yeah. I mean it depends on the amount of money. I went on a bachelor party that was like – ended up being like $1,000 a man. We did it big. We got like a really nice place.

It was like – with the flights and shit, it was like $1,500 a person. Enough that I would want it back. I'm not asking for this, period. like you know with the flights and shit it was like 1500 bucks a person enough that you know i would i would want it back i'm not asking for this period i think i would be like this is embarrassing my sister's probably mortified i'm not going to make this any worse for anybody i'm going to swallow the cost but uh if you want to ask i think you're i think it's either like hey guys i'm coming and it's going to be awkward or hey can you refund me yeah i think this you hold them hostage like look you need my money back or i'm gonna fucking come yeah that's what i'm saying it's like you're gonna either like which by the way a bachelor party's fun a she called it off guy's trip is probably awesome i didn't even think about that that's like maybe

you know it depends on the guy and and i'm sure it can be upsetting but uh wouldn't it be something if it was like hey dodge the bullet let's fucking go i mean that's probably a blast so yeah i think those guys hold the cards to say well i can either ruin what should be the most amazing trip of your guys' lives or you give me my 500 bucks back. But also, I feel like, nah, never mind. Like, brother is coming. I was going to say I might not even care. But in this case, I think it's better for everyone to just leave. I think that's the way to go.

Everyone should just – you take your couple hundred bucks and you go about your way. Yeah, I mean, I think that's the level-headed way to handle it. That's what I would do. I think you're well – again, I wouldn't ask for it back, but I think you're well within your rights. And I don't think it should be very difficult. Just give them their money back.

Give them their money back, yeah. I mean unless you book everyone's flights and stuff. I mean that's first of all fucking insane. But if you book everyone's flights and shit like that and you've got to deal with that shit, maybe I'd be like, fuck off. I'm not dealing with airlines and all that kind of stuff. But if it's – I can't imagine I owe you much more than, than the Airbnb. Everyone just fucking pays for themselves.

I think. Right. Just fucking pay them off. So they go away. Think of it as that. Don't think of it as paying them back, paying them off, get rid of it,

have a blast and, and regroup. All right. All right. Uh, that's it for us. Uh, we'll catch you guys next week for some KFC radio. We'll be on the lookout for more live streams,

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