KFC Radio - Tom Hanks Has Coronavirus, Sports are Cancelled, and Chris Distefano Returns

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Tom Hanks has Coronavirus. Sports are cancelled. Chris Distefano Returns.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by Shady Rays. You know my thoughts. The other day, it was like 65, I think it actually hit 69, we were almost 70 degrees. And that, for me, means I can start wearing sunglasses again. I don't wear them in the winter. I don't wear them when they're cold.

To me, the sun does not shine that brightly during the winter. I don't know what it means. I don't know why I do it. Fuck off. That's how I do things. But I've actually been in the market to get a new pair of shades because the weather is turning. And now Shady Rays falls on my lap, and there is no better route. Why don't you like to hide your face in the winter?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know the answer. It's peculiar. It's quite peculiar. I feel like I haven't ever thought of it as the hiding of the face angle. And you know what it is?

I think when I was young, I got this misconception that you're trying to be cool when you wear sunglasses. You are. Okay. Well, it's both. Right. Two birds, one stone. Cool and don't have to close your eyes. But I'm like, I'm not cool, so I can't wear sunglasses.

I don't know. I don't have enough confidence to wear sunglasses. Yeah, that's tough. That's bad. That's a tough level. That's a low level of self-confidence. I don't have enough self-esteem to shield Yeah, that's tough. That's bad. That's a tough level. That's a low level of self-confidence. I don't have enough self-esteem to shield my eyes from the sun. That's bad.

I mean, but it's like, that's what gives you confidence is wearing sunglasses. Right, right. I had to do the- You know what it is, too? I don't like having, like, when you can kind of see, like, the frames and shit. I don't know. I don't like it. I like just being able to see.

I don't like having something in front of being able to see. I don't like having something in front of my face like that. If I didn't, I had to give the speech at the classic, the Pond Hockey tournament. I had to give the speech at the end of it in Toronto.

If I didn't have sunglasses, I wouldn't be able to do that. It's kind of like a Big Daddy thing. Yeah, exactly. Like a Big Daddy thing. Right. I feel that.

So maybe I need to, maybe I'll become more secure and confident when I start wearing them, and I'm going to do it by getting myself some Shady Rays. Shady Rays, right now the main thing, I'm just going to cut right to the chase. You go to ShadyRays.com, use the promo code KFC. If you buy one, you get one free. So that means you can get two pairs of sunglasses for $48. And I am the type of guy who is going to sit on them,

who's going to wear them into the ocean and not realize it, who's going to lose them flat out. So I need a couple pairs per season. So I'm probably going to go get four. So I'm going to go to Shady Rays, use promo code KFC, to buy one, get one, and get myself a little collection of them for the whole season. That way I don't feel like an idiot if I lose like a $300 pair.

They also are a good people. They're a good people company. They are providing 10 meals to fight hunger in America with every order placed. So they've provided over 9.4 million meals to date. So listen, you've got to look good. You're going to have your polarized lenses and quality frames so that you can shield yourself from the sun and also get some self-confidence and also feed America. There you have it. For $48, get two pairs right now at ShadyRays.com.

Promo code KFC. We interrupt this program. This is a national emergency. Become kind of a craze. Become kind of a craze. Important instructions will follow. All right. An emergency addendum to today's episode.

We finished recording, obviously, yesterday in the afternoon, as we always do. Right now, as we record, it's 1130, and we figured we have to address what's going on because, plain and simple, it is absolutely surreal what is going on in the world right now. It is completely and utterly unbelievable, and I truly, genuinely don't believe that the world right now is completely and utterly unbelievable. And I truly, genuinely don't believe that the world has been this way since 9-11. I don't think it's a stretch to say the world changed today. Oh, I don't think it's. I think it's you're an idiot if you think otherwise. This has been one of the craziest.

Like the way Liverpool lost was fucking insane. Like, you were like, what is he doing? How is this going to relate to, oh, you son of a bitch. I didn't even realize. I mean, they lost at Anfield, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That game could have been canceled halfway through when we found out that Juventus defender had

fucking coronavirus. But whatever, that's not a thing. The day... Dude, today's been fucking... Yo, March Madness. The entire National Basketball Association. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Like, this is... Insane.

This is, like, I'm trying to think of a sports equivalent. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Insane. I'm trying to think of a sports equivalent. Who does the Giants beat on the way to beating the Patriots? I feel like the Packers. I feel like Rodgers Packers were in there in 2011. That was the Lambeau when Tom Coughlin's face turned red in Lambeau. Yeah. They had some bad motherfuckers, and they were like, yo, we are the real deal. Yeah, I know.

And still the Patriots, we laughed at them. Yeah, I think that was I get the years mixed up. It's all one big fucking nightmare. But Brady had one laugh where he was like, we're only going to score 17 points. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. They lost 17-14.

And it's like, I mean, coronavirus is kind of Babe Ruth in it right now being like yo you like i'm coming coronavirus what coronavirus is doing right now is they're walking into the prison yard and they're beating up all our big motherfuckers taking out the baddest dog on the block you know i guess between you and i i suppose we'd have to be the white nationalists in this scenario. I don't want to be them. I don't want to be them, but I'm looking at it and I'm going, that's a bad motherfucker right there.

Listen, if I'm in prison, if we're in the prison yard right now, I'm sucking coronavirus' dick. I'm joining up on their side. Yo, bro, I'll hold your pocket right now. But also, on a more serious note, I'm not like i'm just not well here's the thing everything you're saying is is true but also in a way it's not because it's still not really coronavirus it's still coronavirus hysteria you know like

at the end of the day like if tom hanks fucking fell on the floor dead and was bleeding out of his eyeballs that's a different story we're still talking about the flu it's it's it's still like not i mean you know if it's still just going to be a disease that kills your grandparents and everyone else is okay it's still just more the reaction that's changing the world but i guess at this point it doesn't't matter anymore. You know, it's like we've been trying to differentiate between is it real or is it the hysteria? Is it warranted? Is it not? Well, it doesn't matter because it is what it is.

Whether or not the disease is powerful enough to really warrant this type of reaction doesn't matter. Whether or not you believe it doesn't matter. It's happening. And all of the major institutions and figures and officials and groups are reacting accordingly. So walk into our fucking kitchen and just rip all of those things out of the cabinet. It's unbelievable. It's one of the most impressive things I've ever seen in my life it's like it was excuse me i'm sorry it was a thanos snap yeah it was i mean it was the biggest things in american life it was guess what america we were the ones who weren't taking it seriously the world

was the world was like pretty you know everyone was flattening the curve if you will they were working on it everyone was you know no one's allowed out of your house. Italy, get the fuck out of our country. Everybody. America was like, we got 15 people. We like our numbers where they are. And Corona said, oh. Oh, you think so? No.

You ever seen Road to Perdition, friend? I'm taking the star. Out of every Tom Hanks movie you throw out, Road to Perdition. I'm looking at CNN right now now says 1 267 people uh in america confirmed i mean you gotta you gotta you gotta multiply that number by a hundred when one of them is tom hanks uh and i also heard just straight up it's 10x because of how how lacking in tests we are right right i'm sure it's but you know what i mean i'm sure it's 10x because of how lacking in tests we are right right i'm sure it's but you know what i mean i'm sure it's always been i'm sure there are people right now who have the flu who don't

even realize it's coronavirus so it's probably 100x but uh i mean i if you were to script this if you were to write a movie right now about a zombie apocalypse about a plague about a disease going global and you were to try to think of like a character a person to infect in order to be like dramatic for the movie it would be time yeah it'd be motherfucking mr rogers dude yeah maybe it would be it would maybe be oprah it would maybe be no i think op... Look, I don't want to sully her name right now. I think Oprah's clout out the window. I don't think people think about Oprah anymore. Just in general?

Or when she fell on stage the other day? See, I didn't even know she was on stage the other day. She took a digger. She took a header. I don't know what she was doing. She bit it. Christ. But yeah, I mean, Tom hanks is the number one uh you know it's almost cliche it's almost one of those

scenarios where you say uh that's you know hollywood turns down that script i i didn't believe it at first because it's it feels like i mean i just did the whole urban legends episode on mail time i'm in the hoax mode that sounds like such a i mean i mean did hanks give himself that test what was that picture all about yeah i don't think don't worry i just checked rita and turns out she's got it boy loves to prove it let me see the two pink lines you know what i mean let me prove it to me yeah if i'll pay alimony on this bitch, I got to – child support on this. I need to know. And for real though, how – I didn't even know – how do you test? I guess he's probably got special rich people privileges, but where is he going?

How is he getting it? How about the H-A-N-X? Dom Hanks has a fucking – there his phone. It says Corona Test. Right, right, right. He has something where he pushes a button and a Navy SEAL doctor, expert, everything just comes in on a jetpack.

A propelled flight just drops into his house like you rang. But how about that H-A-N-X? The Hanks sign off. Oh, unbelievable. Hanks.N-X, the Hanks sign-off? Oh, unbelievable. Flex. Pink time, Flex. If your last name was Hanks and you signed it off, H-A-N-X, I'd be like, you're such a fucking loser.

But Tom Hanks does it. It's cool. Yeah, from now on, I sign fights with a Z. Yeah, right. If you did that, I'd kill you if Tom Hanks did it. What would you – I mean, I think those are the three things, right? And by the way, I mean, it's over for March Madness. Over for March Madness.

You see the – I think there's going to be so much pressure because the NBA did it that I don't think – I think every league is going to have to either – like, I think the MLB is going to at least postpone. I can't imagine hockey just being like, well, we don't, we don't care what the NBA is doing. And then I think if sports goes down,

I think Broadway goes down. I wouldn't be surprised if movie theaters all start closing. I think we're about to see culture just stop. Stop. I totally agree. I think, I think the NHL is the only one who's got a little bit of life just because it's like, it's the NHL and then the hockey players.

Whatever. Fuck it. I lost my tooth last year. You think coronavirus is going to stop me? Shit floating around their locker rooms anyway, right? Yeah. Look, I got fucking – I had herpes from sharing a bar of soap. You think I'm worried about fucking Corona?

But the I think I think if the NCAA, if the NCAA plays this March Madness tournament, I think it is the most evil thing they've ever done. And I think the NCAA is borderline as evil as the Third Reich. So it's a pretty big step. Why are you saying evil? What do you mean? Just like, I mean, like, what they do is they, it's, I mean, not secrets. It's more or less slave labor. They're making the $9 billion a year industry where the fucking, the players,

the draw gets a few thousand dollars. And if you make them play in the risk of this kind of personal health, you are a fucking psychopath but mark emmert might be that so i mean like you said the nhl is the one league that you could expect i mean the the ncaa when everybody zigs they zag when logic dictates they they they ignore it i was fun to see them that that happened they were kind of the first card to fall today. That was almost the start. They canceled fans, and then the Juventus player got tested positive. Warriors were in the mix, too, reducing everything.

Yeah, Warriors were in the mix right there. You're right. And then we had a little bit of a lull, and then it was boom, domino, domino, domino. You know who? I can't decide whether he's going to be a footnote in history, or if he's going to be the front page of the textbook,

but the shot heard around the world, or the shot that sparked it all, Rudy fucking Gobert. What an asshole. That, to me, yes, there was obviously a ton of reasons why the nba did what they did but there's no no mistake that he makes a an asinine joke and then like like you know that adam silver was just like fucking we're fucking suspending it you idiots

like even even if you didn't know even if you really in your heart of hearts thought i just have a cold i don't have coronavirus like what an asshole move in that in that in in your in your status in your position uh in that league on television with report all that shit role model or whatever you want to call it like that's something dave would do being an asshole and this guy did it in the goddamn nba just like a like a fucking idiot kid like when like like when you're a little kid and someone says you have cooties and you're touching them to fuck with them except at the end of the day no matter what you think about coronavirus it's like hey i'm gonna kill your grandparents lol no matter what you're an asshole yeah that's an an MVP move. That's not a defensive player of the year move.

You better fucking be able to back that up. Rudy Gobert, which is what I will always call you because no one's called Gobert. Get the fuck out of here. That's win an NBA championship, win an MVP. Defensive player of the year, you get no leeway on anything like that. Defensive player of the year does not get to fuck around like that at all. At all. No fucking way, man.

And, like, it was so quick. It was like Rudy Gobert joking around, like, two seconds later, Rudy Gobert has fucking coronavirus. And did you see the tweet that if you were talking about the incubation period for him? Uh-huh. If you were talking about the incubation period for him, every single – from him – I think it started from him at the Celtics, every team has been affected in his quote-unquote. That's why I saw a quote that said that NBA executives – it's not promising that the NBA resumes this year oh i mean i if this was uh as much as this has been unfolding since the end of december and as much as there's already been hysteria i think this is night one i think if this is the tip of the iceberg where it's like okay now we're all reacting and so if like the initial reaction is like suspended indefinitely and other dominoes start to fall and then it's just like uh guys it's

just not worth it you know it's just like it's it's just we'll eat the money we'll eat the cost we'll have we'll put an asterisk in the record books i i i don't see how any of this shit just unless they like you know all of a sudden come up with a cure like instantly and it's like hey take this and everyone will be fine but until then i think everyone's going to err on the side of caution and i think that once a major league does this and once you know major names are getting it it's so stupid that it takes a tom hanks infection to change people's opinions but it does and it did in australia by the way let's put an asterisk on that true in australia right so it's really still not even an american thing but i i just don't see how if you're a smaller organization or group or league

or federation or whatever industry and the nba and all these major people are shutting down i don't see how you can be like well we're gonna keep going you know so i feel like it's just gonna be dominoes and i don't see it being a quick fix because it's just not a quick fix there just isn't a quick fix by the way if we can sneak this in here shot we don't have an email from barcelona sports saying what something something i mean like look erica's erica would be the one to send it. She's in Vegas. She's busy. So I would look to HR because Dave's not sending an email either. I am shocked we don't have some sort of update in Barstool Sports yet.

Right. I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm assuming until I hear otherwise. Well, no, I want to be at work tomorrow because I want to talk about this. Is it going to be a fun day tomorrow? Okay. Here's my question. That ties into it. It's a

two-part question. First off, what do we think Dave Portnoy is thinking right now? Is he going to rescind any of his comments or own up to any of his... Because I can still see

him playing the card of, it's not the disease, it's the hysteria, all that shit. Or is even the... The hysteria... I don't think we've talked about this on the podcast. And I feel like I'm smarter than everyone here. So I want to explain this. The hysteria is the bad part.

Yeah. That's not the... The hysteria is always referred part yeah the the that's not the the the hysteria is always referred to as the pejorative and the hysteria is the bad part right no i mean when when the fucking okay when the old people get sick right we've done this when the old people get sick and they take all the hospital beds and then when the school shut down and the children who that's the only meal they get every day, they start getting sick because their nutrition is not good. Then the hospitals are full. And then when you and I are regular sick, guess who's fucked? You and I. And then guess what happened to that? Society collapses. So I get like why the hysteria is the bad part.

You know who would be very proud of you right now is my mother. You just broke it down to a family level. You broke it down to a small time day to day effect. And you're exactly right. Yeah. When the hospitals are spread too thin and the doctors are overwhelmed and the resources are shortened and kids are not able to go to school and people aren't able to work. Yeah. And so, yes, like the hysteria is really what matters.

But I also can see a weasel like Dave being like, well, I'm still right because it's not actually. Oh, he's, you know, and then he's going to be right. Right. Yeah, that we know that. But my next question is, are we like you just said, it's it's there's an element of like, I don't know, funds the word, but it's very interesting. It's very unique. It's a very, you know, exciting, I guess, is kind of a strange word to say it. My point being that, like right now, we put a T-shirt on sale. We have like a if I die, I die Corona shirt on sale.

What a gas special oh the the whole steal a viral tweet gas special oh yeah and uh allison texted me being like should we do some sort of console shirt and we we had our kfc radio group text going about like uh making chet hanks jokes and shit and And I think that there's a rush immediately to be like, there's jokes to be made. There's tweets to get off. There's retweets to get. But if like a few more bad things start happening, I think you end up being like, oh boy, I don't think we should have been joking about any of this shit. Yeah. Well, I agree with you on both cases in the sense that I agree.

I regret nothing. I regret nothing I've said. I would regret profiting. Right, yeah, yeah. I don't regret jokes. I'll get jokes off all the time, whatever happens. Yes, I've made inappropriate jokes. You're right.

I was too quick on the draw on that one, for sure. Done deal. I apologize. But am I going to give them money back? Yeah. No. I don't think so. Let's not make it.

And even if coronavirus holds steady on what we've been told, if over the next few weeks, hundreds and hundreds and thousands of grandparents are dying, it's not the end of the of the world because hey that's what happens to old people they die but i don't want to be the guy selling t-shirts and and being like lol coronavirus oh all it's doing is killing your grandparents that's still fucked up wear this at your nana's live stream funeral right right i mean there still needs to be i think i think i don't think people are quite grasping the tact that this is going to require. That dude, the congressional doctor today said 75 to 150 million people will get this in America. That's a big old number. Fucking number. That kind of gets me scared because that means we're extending beyond just the old people.

And it's going you know not die from it not die from it we just get it right yeah and then there'll be about a million die because i just feel like you know it's gonna be old people and younger people who are bags of shit and you know and i'm a bag of shit so i'm ready for a doctor's appointment. Yeah. Well, so now you bought tickets to travel overseas, and literally 20 minutes later, Donald Trump issues a ban. I was wrong.

I apologize. I would like to apologize to everyone on Twitter. It was an hour and five minutes later. It felt like 20 minutes later. I can read to you my emails. the uh let's see my emails straight are coming at here we are seven okay 733 is when i started it so 733 first thing hotel.com booking confirmation smash that fucking nice hotel right next 753 united airlines next 754

from me confirmation number on a couple of events we were doing in paris uh 755 another united airlines uh confirmation and then 756 because your boy's not stupid uh my travel guard policy for my insurance so i i had literally i've been putting this off for like probably two weeks, just trying to figure out, you know, it's going to happen. It's going to happen. And then,

um, I put it off because when I book flights, it stresses my girlfriend out. Cause I book, like I just, the first one that works, I just do it. Right.

Like, like when I was going out to Aruba, why are you playing out in Newark? And I was like, I don't know. I just, that was the first one that popped up. She's like,

yeah, but you live with Guardia better. It's closer to your apartment. I'm like, well, yeah, I know, but Newark popped up first.

So that's, even for you, that's crazy because future you is going to be lazy and not want to travel to New Jersey. But it's, it's 20, it's like 25 minutes for either way it's like it was a 7 it was a 6 a.m flight or 7 a.m flight like there's not traffic

anytime you got to go to the bridge of the tunnel man but it was like it was like a 7 a.m flight like that's yeah that's true i got to be on the road at 5 a.m like it's not now dude i mean you know if you so if you do go through with this it's going to be you and homegirl on the plane and that's it right it's like i don't and homegirl on the plane, and that's it. Right, so I don't care, like, wherever I have to travel, I'll travel, it doesn't matter to me. So I didn't book it until she got here, because I wanted her,

first of all, I'll tell you what, we booked the same fucking flight I sent. So we booked that flight, booked a few hotels, booked some stuff, and honestly, we, and then we were like, booked a few hotels, booked some stuff. And honestly, we were like, all right, you know, we whatever. And then we go to the bar, go on a little celebrate, have a drink. Not celebrate, but just, you know, hang out.

Walk in there. I know the bartender and he knew I was going because he was going to London. And he's from Ireland. And he was going to London on, like, March 26th. And he's like, this fucking sucks, mate, doesn't it? What are you talking about, Huey? And he's like, the fucking

travel ban, mate. Look up there. And, like, Trump's giving a speech. I was like, will you? And it hit me. I was like, oh, my God. All that work. And, by the way, everyone who's saying everything's cheaper, it's cheaper to fucking places that don't matter. Like, Karabas is like, we have only $16 to go to Tampa. It costs $40 to go to Tampa on a beautiful.

Right, right. This was still, like, many thousands of dollars i just spent three hours ago and i and it's all it's not gone because again i got it i'll be fine but it was it was a lot of money and now he says it's foreign nationalists right i don't know what that means oh i'm still going i'm still going well right but you're still going because you think you read that you can get like pre-screened or some shit and post-screen post-screen it's the best case scenario i'm gonna bundle uh i'm gonna bundle a european vacation and the coronavirus test i'm gonna throw it all into one and it's gonna be perfect you are such a doofus. Why? Because

who knows what else is going to happen? What if you... I know you're okay with this, but what if you get there and then they decide to do a full travel ban that's like the doors are absolutely closed and then you're happy to just stay in

Europe? We're literally doing my job right now. Then we're literally doing my job right now yeah then we continue to do my job like this would you do are you staying with with in a hotel you have friends over there anything because i have friends i have friends yeah because it would get expensive if you had to just like live in a hotel uh no in fact now that we bring it up i'd expense the shit out of that you know what you you want to do? That's great content. Imagine if you were just like, I live in London now. I'm just in England. I got an apartment and moved in with my girl, and I'm going to get a little job at a coffee shop here, and I live here now.

When I live here, me and Kevin do a weekly podcast. I mean, it really wouldn't be bad for business if you want to like, you know, I've been saying all along how Nate should be capitalizing and shit. We would be like front page news being like podcast duo, like split up by the coronavirus, like American. You don't understand. That's a huge part of my driving force. Yeah. I mean, you've always said the only reason you do anything is like for the story so you can tell on the podcast. And this is already a great story. Like already got fucked yeah right you really did you must

it's not a great story but it's already at least something to talk about that was honestly that's that that's kind of shit that happens to me man so uh i think it's i think it's i i i call my mom to be like can you believe because she's been the one edging me on to go she's like take a vacation yada yada yada i like, can you believe this? She's like, what do you mean? You're not going? And as soon as Polly calls you a pussy, it's like, well, all right. I guess, yeah, I'm still going.

I mean, that surprised me 0%. Polly, I knew Polly would be like, go ahead, pussy. What are you going to do? As long as you can get in from the UK. Okay, so that's all that matters. I would leave from the UK. And again, if there's a time to find out you have

coronavirus, it's right after you get back. So I'll have my lap. No matter what happens, this will be with me. So we can do this. You can do that from anywhere. I mean, it is, we'll wind it down here and we'll get into the rest of the podcast.

We got Krista Stefano on and we talk about all other Corona virus stuff prior to the insanity of tonight. But, um, I mean, I truly, I mean, I, I can't remember the only time I remember this happening. I saw some people said the 2008 economy collapsing. That was definitely huge and global and definitely affected a lot of shit. But we've seen, you know, the economy goes up, the economy goes down. And yeah, maybe it was like the worst since the Great Depression. So that was particularly bad and particularly impactful.

But those are things we've seen before. I feel like coronavirus is much like 9-11 in the sense of like, I've never seen this and we don't know what the reaction is going to be. And the reaction so far, you know, when the economy goes down, it's bad. But we're not canceling professional sports. We're not, you know, canceling any and all social interaction. People don't just stop going to work. But when there was a terrible terrorist attack and flights were grounded and sports did stop and everything was like came to a screeching halt, I haven't seen it since 2001.

So, I mean, and I don't know. And the thing about 9-11 is, you know, you always say, oh, this changed on 9-11. It hasn't been the same since 9-11. The way you travel, the way you went on planes, everything changed. It wasn't just in the aftermath. It stayed that way until today, until 20 years

later. I wonder how much of this if coronavirus ends a couple months, do we still find things that are does it leave a lasting impact where it's like, okay, that disease is gone. I hope it does. I don't want to sound like a fucking liberal asshole,

but I hope this leaves a lasting change on healthcare. Well, that's what Dr. Oz said. Dr. Oz told us in Miami, coronavirus isn't the big one, but it's going to expose how – this is like week 15 15, 16, 17 and you know what it goes back to the Giants and Patriots again when the Giants and Patriots played in the final week of the season it wasn't the big one

but it showed that the Patriots had some flaws and then the Giants came back the Patriots won that game handily no but remember they were like hanging with them I remember the Giants came back. I agree. The Patriots won that game handily. No, but remember they were like hanging with them. I remember the Giants fans being like, that was good for us to play them, see them. I think that's hindsight. I believe the Pats won that game very handily.

I could just see, though, the idea of like, this opens some eyes we – like Dr. Oz was saying, we don't have enough masks. We don't have enough doctors. We don't have enough resources. And I think that's abundantly true. Right, right, right. I mean if this shit did happen with – if we were in the same state we are and it was an Ebola-type virus, console the planet. It's over. That's that contagion shit.

That's why I watched that the other day and everyone's like, oh, it's going to scare you. contagion shit that's why i watched that the other day and everyone's like i was gonna scare you it's not gonna scare me because that that kills you right away this doesn't kill right away i'll be fine about this but it's still a scary idea well buckle up i feel like uh like you said for us you know it's it's uh it's a fun or exciting is a strange word but it definitely is uh it's it's time where commentary and discussion and debate and banter are going to be at an all time high so we'll be on radio today and we'll be doing uh podcasts or whatever throughout this whole crisis so and we're gonna make the people a solemn promise right now even if we end up over there right if i end up over there and and shit goes but we're not to make the people a solemn promise right now. Even if we end up over there. If I end up over there

and shit goes bad, we're not missing an episode. Not fucking one. Not one. Not one episode. You get those fucking skis. Where both of us, by the way, already look like we died of corona. We look like

we're on 28 Days Later, but we're months into it. I don't know why we both elected to not have lights on for this. Because I look like a bag of shit, dude. That's why. This is us in black tie right now. It's as good as it gets. All right.

Let's get into the rest of this episode, and we'll catch you for more coronavirus hysteria um who's on the show today chris de stefano chris de stefano whoo buddy he is i've said it so many times uh by now if you don't know chris you don't want to know what happened the funniest guy on the planet it was my very first time this is how. This is how Chris is part of the family now. This is my first time where I was dipping before a guest came. I'm like, no, I'm just going to dip to the interview. Fuck it.

I didn't even notice. He didn't notice. Chris E.D.'s there. And he was like, I almost called out any of these I thought would have been funny to talk about. But it was, you know, we were talking about way too many other things. Yeah. But it is, Chris is the first one where it's like maybe with Edelman, because he was dipping too. But it was like the first one was like, I know with Edelman because he was dipping too but it was like the first one was like

I know he's not gonna be dipping but you know what I'm in the mood for one truly third co-host type shit you know I mean we do a lot I gotta fix this chair

I can't keep you're real tiny you're real tiny it's comfortable though at one point I just halfway through the interview we talk you know of course we're talking

coronavirus and all those current events and shit but at one point I just had to ask him because he said something and we both like doubled over laughing it was he i don't know i can tell you'll listen to it he'll tell it and i'm looking at his face though and i can see him laughing because he's enjoying the moment but he's also got this smirk like yep like just fucking killed it like two guys who are also you know in

this business or whatever like doubled over laughing and so I flat out asked him if it gets weird or if he's tired of it or if he still gets the rush, that people are just always laughing at him. It's almost like Chris is the male version of a super hot chick where, you know, it's almost like, all right, let's just put our cards on the table. You know you're fucking sexy. You know what people like. They like a tiny waist and a big ass and big boobs and you're tan and you're this. Like we can just say it.

You're super hot, so let's talk about it. What's your life like? But you can't do that with girls. You know, it sounds creepy or weird. But with Chris, I can flat out be like, you know you're fucking hysterical, right? I mean, he asked you at this point. Everyone in this industry is, like, insecure and self-conscious or whatever. But he knows that every time he walks in a room, people are laughing.

Like, he runs the room. It's gotta be a fucking amazing feeling. And he tells, there's a funeral home story, a Phil Collins story, and his bomb on Kimmel. I mean, they're just three like all unbelievable stories

that would be great in three different podcasts that are all just in one. It's an unbelievable. Should we just do that? Should we just get into it because we talk coronavirus and all the current events and shit let's just get right into that then chrissy d uh back on kfc radio is brought to you by let go it's the fastest growing mobile marketplace to buy and sell locally so uh if you're going to be quarantined you're going to be spending a lot

of time in your apartment you're going to maybe find some things that you don't need anymore maybe you're going to find some things that you do need. And the best way to furnish your apartment or find some extra stuff, clothes, shoes, gadgets, decorations, all the kind of stuff you'd find in the attic or the garage or whatever it may be, the best place to sell them or to buy them is on LetGo. It's an online marketplace that connects people locally. So instead of ordering online or going out to the store and buying it, you can find, you know, I'm looking for a table. My neighbor happens to be selling one. I'm moving out. I got to get rid of this. I'm moving in. I got to find this. Let me find someone in the neighborhood. You can negotiate. You find yourself a good price. You get yourself

some, it's also a good way to find some, you know, original type stuff. People selling vintage clothes and vintage knickknacks and gadgets that you can't find anymore. So not only is it a good way to make some extra cash, not only is it a good way to find some extra space, but it's a good way to find some cool stuff that you might not be able to find in the stores or on the internet. So download the LetGo app, start looking around your neighborhood, make that extra money, find that extra stuff, get that extra space, live and let go.

It's Chrissy D on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Sometimes people listen to our podcast and fans have told us, and now it's like a thing that they'll tweet at us. They'll be like, they won't know our names, but they'll be like, oh, we're listening to your podcast, but which one are you? Are you the fun one or the old one? I'm the fun one.

So it's like you know people just be calling him old and shit it's funny I think I genuinely think he didn't come today

he said that he had to do painters right at his house but I think he's genuinely scared of Corona is he? I think he is are you? I feel like you might be

patient zero I probably if it didn't start in China if it started here if there was a disease that started in New York City I I would say it's Christopher Stephan. I would say yes. But if I manage not to get herpes, I feel like I'm not going to get corona.

I mean, I cannot believe every single time I go get test results and they're like, all you have is chlamydia. I'm like, that's it? I can see the doctor being like, well, it's chlamydia again. I feel like you didn't have is chlamydia i'm like that's it like i can see the doctor be like well it's chlamydia again i feel like you just have permanent chlamydia at this point it's just my it's just a part of me yeah like i wake up my back hurts all the time i don't have a back problem my back just always hurts my back just always hurts you just always have i'm just 24 7 chrissy drip drop it's just the symptoms it's just permanent symptoms of chlamydia whether or not you even have it it's just your body just knows to do it i just feel like well i mean what are we going to do like what do you want me to do

i wash my hands i wash my ass i always have as close to 100 clean ass and now it's close to 100 washed hands you always did a hand wash always did that for me that's i'm new with the new i just washed mine i'm here i wash my hands i do like a motherfucker did you know you can take your uh fingerprints off with that though good yeah yeah right like fucking men in black style just like out of the database yeah but then if it's in the air like we were talking about before it's like everyone's gonna have to get it and then you get immune to it after you get it just give it to me is that the case though that's what i'm hearing that you know that you can mutate and get another version of it here's the here's what i know for sure it's so It's so funny with the internet

because people come into work being like, I know exactly what this thing does. It's like, guy, no, you don't. I read a tweet. You're reading articles that somebody else wrote. You don't even know if the guy that wrote the article could just have been writing that thing on crystal meth. And also, no one's reading articles.

You're reading a headline. You're reading a headline. Listen to what the scientists say. All right, but flip. Okay, even that. It's like, I don't know who the scientists are. You know what I mean? If someone writes an article and they're like, I have my PhD from Harvard and I'm a scientist,

I'd be like, okay. I mean, I don't fucking know. I don't know. This is my problem with everything. This is why I say I still don't know if the world's round because I'm just hearing from people. Yeah, I don't. Everything I know is just somebody telling me and whether I choose to trust them.

I don't know. I'm taking the precautions. I'm washing my hands. I'm washing my ass. I'm staying away from Asians. I don't know what else to do. I'm not wearing condoms. Everyone's changing their whole lives except for like, well, I'm still going to fuck strangers and touch their body all over and whatever.

No, I actually – I don't know. I don't know if Asian people are to blame because at first I used to think it's for meat and bats, but now I don't think it's for meat and bats. I think it's for meat and bats. You think it's for meat and bats? I think they were eating bats. I think it could be biochemical warfare. Oh, right, right, right.

That was – when it first started, that was a thing because it started – Wuhan was so close to Hong Kong that it was a rumor that it was like to fuck Hong Kong. Like, we'll start it in China a little bit just so it's not too suspicious and then we'll just let it jump over the border real quick. I think it's probably biochemical warfare. That you think has gotten out of

a mistake? Like, oh shit, we fucked up? I think they biochemically make diseases and then I think that one got out and now I think the Chinese are smart because they're like, oh, especially the coastal coastal cities new york or la it's like a lot of like crazy like hipster white people that are like oh my god so they'll buy the masks but then those masks are made in china right so they put the corona on the mask and then they give them to the people and then it keeps circulating and crashes the economy i'm not above saying that

this is a whole thing just by the Democrats to just get Trump out of office. It's not – it was crazy two weeks ago, but now I'm like it could potentially – it's always an election year disease. This is the thing. Like everything the Democrats do, it just doesn't work because now what's going to happen is Trump is going to go, I'm not fucking afraid of this. And everyone is going to go, yeah, we ain't fucking afraid of this. Let's vote for him again. It's like everything they do backfires. 100%. I agree.

So I don't know what's going to happen. I am starting to get a slight cough in the last five minutes, so I think it's beginning. It has begun. It has begun. It's always one of those things where you're like, oh, wait a minute. Did I just choke on my lunch or am I dying? My favorite part of it is the misinformation that just happens not intentionally, not like people trying to smoke.

It just happens. That's how communication happens. We had it in the office yesterday. I had a little cough in the bathroom, right? And then I was like, oh, boy, I might be getting sick. And I get out here and someone's like, girl on the third floor was just in Italy. She's been sick. She went home.

I got red hot. I was like, fuck, I got it. Your brain just gave it to you. The whole office just started freaking out. Even Dave was like, I wouldn't have been talking shit about Corona if I knew someone was in the office with it. And then within an hour, I think it was all corrected.

No, she was in England. It's very easily spread and then easily thought. She wasn't. She had fettuccine alfredo last night. She went to the Olive Garden. She went to Italy. She went to Italy.

People were like, no, it's the same thing. No, it's not. It's like being like she was in Wuhan versus she was in Jacksonville. There's nothing in fucking England. We should put the people who live in Wuhan in Jacksonville. We should clear that city out. Yeah. That's just a – you know geographically Jacksonville is the biggest city in the U.S.?

Yeah. Really? But it's like why? Dude, I went to – Why is that such a big city? How many people? No, it's not about people. Right, right.

But I'm saying it's not – Oh, I don't know. Yeah. So you got a lot of space in Jacksonville. Dude, I used to – I went to school in – I went to Florida State. So I went to school in Tallahassee and a lot of time I'd fly out of Jacksonville just because they would do direct flights to Boston and I would always be late because it's a two-hour drive or so and i'd be fucking humming and i would hit like entering jacksonville yeah and i'd relax like all right

i'm almost there that's like an hour and a half from the airport it's just so fucking long i believe it's so spacious it was awful awful jacksonville fuck jacksonville that's what i'm here to say coronavirus doesn't scare duval suck a dick yeah so you're i mean you know you're in the clubs you're still meeting fans doing like meet and greets and shaking hands and shit i'm doing i am i don't know i still am but i feel like it's gonna be i'm not the guy be like this isn't a real disease yeah i know that it's real and i know that it's a problem but like i don't have like that fear and I feel like I should, but I don't. I'm like, I'll still shake your hand.

I'll just wash it. I don't know. I'm definitely still touching my face all the time. Yeah, I'm touching my face. I'm picking my nose, eating my boogers, biting my nails. It's tough for nail girders. Literally, dude. It's like, what's the problem? I mean, what am I going to do?

What am I supposed to do so it is weird though like like a finger in the ass like when i jerk off not i'm not doing finger in the ass but like when i jerk off like but back to that i'm like i'm like i gotta go wash my hands immediately right because i'll get corona with my own cum right like i'm worried about giving corona to my dick i'm the other way like i gotta wash my dick afterwards, not my hands. Oh, no. See, I know it's nonsensical, but I'm like, oh, boy, that's got Corona. If anything in my body has Corona, it's my conversation. Well, even like the mics that we're using.

Like, people are starting to bring their own mic covers now and their own mics, which I guess is like a good kind of idea. But I just, I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I have, like, a death wish or if I just, I'm not as panicked about it. You know what mine is? And I know for sure this is it. It's what I've done my whole life where if I don't try and I get it, then whatever. So I'm not even trying to be safe because then if I get it, it's like, well, John, you weren't even trying to protect yourself.

So it makes sense. You didn't want to fail? You didn't want to try and fail? I don't want to fail of not getting corona. That's interesting. I got a friend. I got one of my friends. He's a gay guy.

He just found out he has HIV. It's called a boyfriend. You can just call him that. It's called my husband. I've met this guy on Grindr, and he just told me he has HIV. He wanted to bug chase. No, it's a friend. And he just told me.

I was like, dude, I'm sorry. And he goes, honestly, man? He goes, I've been having so much unprotected sex with men for the last 20 years, and I never got it. And I was always nervous and always worried. He said, but now that I have it, my anxiety is the lowest it's ever been in my life because I finally have AIDS. I was like, wow. All right. Talking about glass half full.

So he was like, dude, get AIDS. It's yeah so he was like dude get aids it's i understand my anxiety meds it's crazy he was like i sleep at night i don't worry about going to the doctor because i fucking have aids i get it with like i thought that about coronavirus like let me just get this and hopefully beat it and be done with it yeah i don't think i would think that about it not about it but to be honest aids is is done now it's a rap phrase it is uh feels like a rap it feels like it's all it feels like corona's the new age i mean we i just put out an episode on the other podcast of uh the best urban legends and i i think i don't think magic ever had aids and i don't even know if AIDS – Are we talking about urban legends meaning black legends or urban –

What are we talking about? I don't know. I can't decide whether I think the urban legend is that magic never had AIDS or that magic – I think the government might have contacted magic and said, we're going to give you a bajillion dollars to be the face of AIDS because we've got to calm down the hysteria. We've got to calm down the hysteria. Well, that's what I think is going to happen with Corona. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that was an urban legend. Some people think he actually does it. Some people say that he had sex. He used to hook up with Isaiah Thomas. That's another urban legend, which is funny. Isaiah Thomas, definitely. He's a little too soft-spoken. Him and Jim Dolan definitely fuck.

The only reason someone could still have their job the way he sucked at his is if he was sucking his dick. Having sex with a guy. Yeah. I mean, listen. I think, too, with coronavirus, same way like how you said, somebody's going to have to be the face of corona and somebody's going to have to beat it. And then I think eventually if the economy keeps tanking, you're going to have to just lie to the people and say we cured it when we didn't cure it. You're just going to have to say that.

I'm just going to start tweeting it's cured in about two weeks if my ticket sales continue to go down. I'm just going to start trying to get big followers. I'll pay people doing cameos. The blogs, the comedians, the podcasters, everybody just starts saying it's okay. We'll just trick everybody. Yeah, because comedy clubs are like half full. Are they? Everybody's ticket sales have stopped.

We had a couple of guests cancel on us. Because of Corona. We'll just trick everybody. Comedy clubs are like half full. Everybody's tickets have stopped. We had a couple of guests cancel on us. Because of Corona. Because they're not flying to New York? I don't know if it's that. People that I didn't think would be doing it now are succumbing to it. I'm like, oh shit.

My friend who's an ER doctor is like, look, I'm not a special disease doctor. He's like, but I'm telling you, under the microscope it looks pretty similar. And I don't know what you can, it's in the air. So I don't know what you want anybody to do. I don't know what quarantine is going to do. Like everyone's like, oh, but it's going down in China.

It's like, yeah, it's going down in China because the whole country's locked in their house. As soon as they come back out, it'll probably start to spread again because it's just, so it's like, I was listening to the Joe Rogan episode yesterday with that special disease doctor. And he was, I'm calling it special disease. What spread again because it's just so it's like i was listening to the joe rogan episode yesterday with that special disease doctor and he was i'm calling it special disease what do you call it what do you call those types of doctors rare disease doctors i don't fucking know yeah look at the two of us you're asking us no the acute disease doctors and he was saying that

yeah he was saying like he thinks as well he He's like, I think people are just going to – the only way to really eradicate a virus like that is everybody gets it. Go through it. The ones that survive survive, which he said will be upwards of 90%. He said, so you have a good chance of survival, and then you become immune to it, and then it dies. Grandma and grandpa are going to be dead, and you're going to be okay, and that's just what happens. Yeah, that's just how it's going to fucking work. Sometimes the world just fucks over grandparents. That's what they're here for, is to die.

Did you hear? That's grandparents' not sole purpose, but their big one is to teach you about death before you die. Teach you about mortality. Your grandparents exist so that they can be your first funeral. I learned about putting on a suit

and going to the church and putting them in the fucking dirt. Grandparents are like puberty for death. Yeah. Where it's like, all right, now dad, mom and dad are going to talk with me real quick

about how I'm not going to see Nana anymore and she's in a bad place and all this stuff. They're like, all right, I get it. We're going to go

to that weird place that smells funny and she's going to be in a box and we're going to talk and just stand around her. I remember my grandfather's funeral, I was eating McDonald's

in the back and nobody said anything because I think it was just like, yeah, we knew grandpa was going to die so just here, have a kid's meal. I've told my mom had us take our family christmas picture before my nana's funeral because we were all dressed up nice that's hilarious we're like

i i look like i'm like crying like i'm like i'm not i'm not currently crying i have like swollen eyes like i look like a like a hungover dad. My tie's a little adjacent. Grandma's dead. We're on our way to our Nana's funeral. It was not at all in the winter, right? No. She died in June or something.

Let's take our family photo. I don't remember exactly when it was. We're definitely not in winter. I guess we're in winter clothes. I don't know when it was. One of the craziest things I remember was when my kid's mom, her father died suddenly. I guess we're in winter clothes. But it's – I don't know what it was. Dude, one of the craziest things I've ever seen at a funeral. So when my kid's mom, her father died like suddenly.

So my kid's grandpa died suddenly, right? Really horrible thing. We go to this funeral home on 4th Avenue in Brooklyn, and it's this old school like Italian guy. So like my kid's mom, she asked me. She's like, look, can you please negotiate like with the funeral guy? Like she was sitting right there. And I was like, yeah, whatever you need because she's so upset yeah the cost and and he's and this guy he's like so what you know he's like uh all right you know i'm sorry for you guys lost he goes listen he goes um i just you know what what's what was the man who passed away what was his political affiliation

and i'm like i don't know if that you, whatever. But he was a huge Donald Trump guy. So my kid's mom's looking at me, and I'm like, you know. And then so I say, you know what? He voted for Trump. And he goes, that man out there voted for Donald Trump. And I said, yeah. And he goes, listen to me. He goes, here's what we're going to do.

He goes, the cost of the funeral is $4,000. He goes, right now it's $2,000. Jesus got it right. I swear to God. I swear to God. He goes, right now it's $2,000. Jesus got it right. I swear to God. I swear to God. He goes, right now it's $2,000. He goes, listen. He goes, here's what I want to do.

Because he died. Because Trump's November of 2016. This guy died January of 2017. So there weren't a lot of big Trump guys. He's like, here's what we're going to do. He goes, I want to put a Make America Great Again Donald Trump wreath in the casket that's on our funeral home. And my kid's mom was like, no, please don't do that. He goes, let me put a Make America Great Again hat on the body.

He just kept going. And then she kept saying no. She kept saying no. Dude, when we put him in the ground, he had a fucking Make America Great Again pin on his suit. And then he starts going. He goes, yeah. He goes, thank God. He goes, some people got fucking sense.

He goes, it's unfortunate that we just had to lose a fucking guy who voted for the right guy. He goes, I had a family in here yesterday. He goes, and I'm talking to them. And it's funny that he's even mentioning this shit while people are grieving. He goes, and I'm talking to them. He goes, and they just buried fucking whoever. That's what he said. He goes, they just buried whoever. And he goes, and I asked him, who do you vote for? And they told me they

voted for Hillary. And I said, give me one good reason. Give me one fucking good reason. And he goes, not something that fucking Anderson Cooper said. He said, give me one good reason. Give me one fucking good reason. And he goes, not something that fucking Anderson Cooper said. He goes, give me one fucking good reason why you would vote for Hillary and tell me one thing that Trump hasn't done that

hasn't been fucking fantastic for this country. Just one thing. Not bullshit. Real facts. Just tell me one thing Trump's done wrong in these last two months. And he said, I told him, if they could tell me what Trump did wrong, I'd give them the funeral half off. And he goes, guess what? They paid full price. Oh, my God.

Yeah. And then he fucking just, you know, and then we just buried this guy. And he was just there the whole time. He was offering everybody coffee. He was telling me, he was like, he voted for Trump. He got the fucking, I think her father... Her father did fight in the army or didn't. I think he did, but there was a problem.

But anyway, he still had the full Medal of Honor, fucking saxophone, American flag thing. And I don't even know... And he just did that. I don't even know if legally he was allowed to do that, but he just did it because he voted for Trump he was like it's an American hero

one way or another and then he goes anybody ever dies in your family you come to me and he gives me the card dude that's fucking unbelievable

yeah dude Italian guys are the best and funeral people are weird too because that's just their day to day business you're grieving you're weirded out

you're tired you're sad he's just like it's another day at the office. Another day at the office. I got 10 more coming in. And you know what's interesting about like conservative,

because obviously he was like a big Trump guy and like where I live in Bay Ridge is a more conservative neighborhood. The hysteria of like a coronavirus, it hasn't hit Bay Ridge at all. Like in Bay Ridge, there's Purell everywhere,

there's toilet paper. People are like, stop being homos. That's like some, that's like the bakery slogans don't be homo have a cookie coronavirus cookies you know like dude when when trump won when trump won uh in november of 2016 the bakery in bay ridge on third avenue they were giving out free black and white cookies from because trump won they were so excited everybody got a free black and white

for 24 hours or for as long as they were open so it's like a different so that's why i think that's another reason why i don't think i'm as hysterical i know that i should be i'm not wishing it upon me but i think because the neighborhood i come from they're not hysterical they're like old school guys they're like this is all fucking liberal bullshit this is they think they're like this is all they're like anything that comes from the Chinese isn't real, just like global warming. This isn't real. That's not real. That's what they sit on cafes.

They sit outside bakeries and yell. The fact that people can call a disease liberal. Oh, they do. Coronavirus has a political affiliation. Oh, yeah. You should see my group text. That's why a lot of black people aren't getting it. There you go. It's why a lot of black people aren't getting it.

There you go. It's only for the gays. The one tweet on black Twitter that went viral was great. It said, like, you know, some news accounts said, like, breaking news, Africa has its first death. And it was in Egypt, and it was a German man. And a black dude quote tweeted that and said, so we still have zero, right? 20,000 retweets 100,000 likes well most of the deaths

are are they Asian or definitely some well I would imagine non-Asians have went down right yeah yeah I mean America had

this a couple days ago it was like 500 cases like 25 deaths so those are you know how many have been has every single one of them been compromised

immune system or all though if not 100% we would hear if somebody young died if somebody young dies if you think there's hysteria now Has every single one of them been compromised in the immune system at all, though? Vast. If not 100%, I would guess. We would hear if somebody young died. If somebody young dies, if you think there's hysteria now, if a 30-year-old dies, it's going to get bad news. It's going to go crazy.

The government probably shouldn't say that. The dude in Jersey who died was 60, and then you read it up on him, though, and he had diabetes and this and that. He's a terribly unhealthy person. Yeah. But that's how these things work. Should I? These things are the final blow to old people.

What do you think? What if somebody's like going through hormone replacement therapy? What if there's a guy out there right now who's getting estrogen who wants to become a woman? Would you, because I would assume that

compromised your immune system, would they stop their estrogen replacement therapy in fear of the coronavirus? Would you delay your sex change? That is the most specific coronavirus question I have heard yet. No, I'm asking for a friend. Yeah, just hypothetically. As I cover up my estrogen tip, I'm asking for a friend.

I don't know. Transition. It's just something to think about. If anybody out there, I'm sure you guys have a big trans fan base. Huge, huge. Did you hear what North Korea did? No, what North Korea did? North Korea had a guy confirm coronavirus. Huge, huge. Did you hear what North Korea did? No, what North Korea did? North Korea had a guy

confirm coronavirus. Pow! Dead. Zero cases in North Korea. What can you do? That's what I think they should do with pedophiles too. I don't know why pedophiles

are given a chance. It's like, I understand that it's because it's a disorder in the brain. It's like you're looking, I look at a woman or some types of men

and I'm like, I want to bang that. But like, if you're looking at a a child like you can never change in my head that to find like a hot woman hot she's always gonna be hot to me i'm always gonna my dick's always gonna go peeing for that so if a if a person if a guy it's always men if a man oh that's true for the most part well i guess it's i mean we just we just let it slide i think it's only men who fuck children yeah and then children oh yeah they fuck it's it's what i saw, I think it's only men who fuck children. Fuck children. Oh, yeah. They fuck.

I saw, I forget who it was. I saw a great bit where someone was like, did you know actually people who fuck like teenagers aren't pedophiles? They're actually, and it's a different word for it. And he's like, but you can't explain that without sounding like a pedophile. Right. That's not a pedophile. I'm a teenophile. Right.

Well, it's always been, yeah, it's been a – the men are always fucking like the children. So I think for them, it's like there's no place really that – there's no rehabilitation for them. Like there's no prison. So why don't – you get convicted of it, jury of your peers. And then you just got to get one in the back of the head like those air guns that they do to kill cattle. Just do that. No good. It's like you're just you got a defective brain and we can't I can't allow you back into society. I know it's harsh.

I'm not saying I'm not saying it's whatever passed through legislation, but I'm just saying as a guy in a podcast with coronavirus. I'm just I'm just like they have the chemical castration. But if you if it was an option, I forget. Wait, what is that? You take a medicine and it just kills your sex drive? It kills your dick can't go hard anymore. But you still keep it. Oh, so it's like a modern day eunuch.

Yeah, right. Which is wild. I don't know if it's a shot or a pill, but whatever it is, your poison to the sense that your dick doesn't work anymore. I need like a temporary one of that. I'd rather take the bullet to the head, though. If your options are... You know back in the day when you got your options are... You know when you...

Back in the day when you got a death sentence and it was like you wanted to be electric chair, you wanted to be firing squad, you wanted to be... If you got option, bullet in the head

or no dick, just do it. Take the bullet in the head? Yeah. Just because it's like what's the point? And it's not even talking about like oh I want to fuck

or anything like that. Just like when I'm bored I can't even play with my dick. Right. What are we doing here? Right. we doing right helicopter it just stays there i think i could use a temporary one like yeah if i take a pill and for two weeks i i'm not i'm not thinking that way i could use that you could use that you just break up with someone or you got something big going on at work or whatever and you don't want to do anything

stupid with your dick i'm just gonna like kill my dick for two weeks because genuinely every decision that we make especially as men is is sex motivated we don't i'm not some are very conscious right there like you know but some are just so in the back of our brains but it's all for sex like even us doing you go to work to make money to get it all it's all in the back of sex so that's why in the ancient world they would cut they would castrate guys and cut their balls off and have them as eunuchs and the emperors would have the eunuchs guard their wives or guard the harem of fucking sex slaves they have. Because they're like, you're going to have to worry about this guy anymore because his sex drive has been eliminated. So back in the day, like being a eunuch, it was like an honor.

It's an honor to do this for us to fucking eat your balls. But really it was just so they could trust you. So it's very interesting. You can't trust a loaded dick. You can't trust it at all. I can't. No, dude. Yours, his, mine. Any loaded dick is a danger. I know, dude.

If we do go into quarantine, people are going to start ripping the skin off their dick. What else are you going to do if you can't leave the crib? Just jerk off. I need that sex robot revolution to happen right right now yeah right quarantine me with my sex robot leave me alone just otherwise yeah even even with a sex robot it ended up getting to the point of like it's just borderline rape the robot would be like jesus christ what's the quarantine rules in italy like you have to be able to go outside yeah. Are you not going to work? Can you go to the grocery store?

It's limited to work, hospital workers, and government workers. But work is everybody. So if we were in Italy right now, we couldn't do this. I can't go to lunch? No, I think we could. I think a lot of the companies... Again, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Dude, we're fucking on the podcast. Reality is a suggestion. We'll say whatever we want. Dude, it doesn't matter. I don't care. Dude, we're fucking on the podcast. Reality is a suggestion. We'll say whatever we want. Dude, it doesn't matter. I don't care. All right, yeah, you can definitely go to work. You can for sure go to work. But all non-essential personnel have been taken out of the country. But also, it seems like everyone's essential.

Right. Yeah, I mean, where do you draw the line on that? Essential or not? Dude, we were talking about that. You're on a bubble. You're going to have to quarantine here eventually. I mean, if it keeps up, I bet. I was talking to my mom. essential or not it's dude we were talking about that quarantine here eventually i think i mean if it keeps up i bet the uh i was talking to my mom where like if you get like if your office is open

but so you're told like you're okay don't worry about it find a new job like you're done yeah you're on death row at that point they do not yeah you are not yeah don't come to work well no the office is open but you just don't. You're off on a new job. Did you hear about NeuroShell? It's in the containment zone. Like National Guard, lockdown, everybody stay in there. So we can't go. National Guard's like patrolling the streets, and if you're

out there, they're like, get back in your fucking house sort of thing. I don't know, but they definitely are sending the National Guard to keep that area contained. I'm waiting for that under the dome show to become real life where they just put a dome over New Rochelle. Like you can't. Like Chernobyl.

Like you're physically quarantined now. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like a couple of weeks ago I hooked up with a girl from New Rochelle. So I just, I guess I should text her. I haven't been. It's funny.

It's funny because my friend who's the ER doctor, he was like, he's like using condoms now. That's great. He goes, he was like just last week. was like but i would like don't like be making out with chicks he's like all these girls like in the dm he's like i would just just for a little while he was like you know just don't make out with anybody and i was like absolutely i literally was like absolutely i won't and there was a girl in my bed while i was talking to him i was like i won't i'm being a lot better now i'm being a lot safer so then i then I was like, listen, if we're going to fucking have sex, you got to mask up.

We got to go. We got to go condoms on the head and the cock. Both heads. I was like my boy. And I literally remember we had sex, but I was just kissing her neck. I didn't kiss her lips anymore. It's like pretty woman. That's how I have sex anyway.

No, it's like doggy style is big. I mean, I guess you do doggy. I don't know. I don't know. I know a girl from New Rochelle and I saw she posted her screenshots of her tweets or texts with her friends. And it's like a late night text, and you can tell they're all just like drunk girls. And they're like, can we still get pizza?

Like late night worry, like does the National Guard still deliver pizza? Yeah. That's what people care about. At the end of the day, people care about the things that really matter in their life. You think Chinese food is down? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 100%.

Chinatown is close down. Chinatown and Corona are really, really not doing well. Getting crushed, right? I saw that. I think it was someone had an article where they were like, support Chinatown. And it does make sense, but also at the same time, like, eh. Well, I saw a video. I'd rather just not.

I saw a video of a guy on the subway just yelling at an Asian dude I'm risking it enough all day with the coughs and the handshakes and using doors when I'm home alone at home no point I don't watch Asian porn

when you see an Asian dude are you thinking coronavirus? no there was a video of a guy on the subway yelling at an Asian dude being like get the fuck out of my car I was like

that's excessively ignorant racism but at the same time I don't't think i'm gonna go take a stroll through ginatown right now yeah i'm definitely not looking to eat those dogs if they hang in the window no chance i mean no chance i mean yeah like i ordered i ordered i'm there's not one part of me that's like thinks that that's stupid ignorant racism but because it is the fucking it's a virus you know i mean it's like i don't look at anyone asian person i'm like oh my god you have coronavirus get away from me not at all but because it's like this heightened thing like i ordered food uh just a couple of nights ago i ordered pizza and the chinese guy was the the delivery guy was chinese and i just kicked him

down my stairs i just took the pizza and said get the fuck out of here you virus and i let them barrel down the stairs but that's just because it's it's i'm in the quarantine zone let me ask you a question and I let them bow roll down the stairs, but that's just because I'm in the quarantine zone. Let me ask you a question. Seriously, though. Is it weird for you or are you used to it that people are just always laughing at you? Like in a good way.

Not like laughing at you, but like laughing at your jokes. You're just a fucking hysterical person and everything you're saying is either a joke or funny delivered and they're always laughing i think you're always performing you're basically always performing and it's just everyone finds you hysterical is that weird it's not weird because it all is gonna end i'm gonna kill myself um i'm gonna blow my fucking head off with like a old school like i'm gonna actually bayonet my head like like the 1700s just go old school warfare uh but but it's funny it's like actually like my kid's mom is like she's the one who's just been like it's just is everything oh i can see that i can why is everything

always because my daughter is very like my daughter's just fucking constantly performing and my kid it's trying to like piss my kid's mom off she's like what what i'm like what do you want me to do like i'm sitting here like the way i deal with my own anxiety and my own insecurities is by trying to make other people laugh and making myself laugh i'm like what do you like how do you want me to change now right and she's like i wish i wasn't depressed and insecure but i am so i crack jokes it's like yeah how many times have you come in and on the toy i have a fucking t-shirt gun in my mouth just ready to blow one through the back of my skull for no reason it's like a beautiful day and i just dude i like this is what two and a half years ago me and my kid's mom had just

broken up and it was a like a beautiful fucking june day i'll never forget it was like you know one of those days like 75 degrees perfect gorgeous sunny and i thought i was gonna go see my daughter and her mom was like oh oh, we actually have plans. I'm going to take her by my sister's house in Jersey for the weekend so you could see her on Monday. And this was like Friday morning. I was like, ah, okay. I was like, it's a fucking beautiful day. I called my dad.

And he was like, it's a beautiful day. Go for a walk. I was like, yeah, I hate the sun. And then he was like, what? You do? I was like, yeah, I hate the sun. So I literally put a few pairs of socks and underwear and two pairs of Lululemon jogging pants in a book bag, went to JFK, and got on a flight to Scotland.

And I flew to Glasgow, Scotland, a direct flight, just because I looked at the weather and it was 50 and raining there. And I stayed in Glasgow. I'll never forget. I stayed in Glasgow in a Holiday Inn Express, in a Holiday Inn Express like two miles outside the airport. I went to downtown Glasgow and back and hung out and walked around in the rain and cold for 48 hours. And then flew back and just got my daughter. Because, you know, you leave.

I left at like 9 a.m. and got back at like whatever, noon. And then just went and picked up my daughter. And my kid's mom was there. She was like, how was your weekend? I was like, it was fine. Totally normal weekend. I was literally across the ocean in the rain and cold by myself.

And by the way, I packed two pairs of pants, underwear and socks. I wore one pair of underwear. I changed my socks once and then I just wore the one pair of pants I had on. I never took it off. And I had a great time. But I was like, so there is this slight depression that I have because I'm always attracted to the rain and the clouds.

But I don't know. I think having a child – if I didn't have a child, I would be close at times to be like – not committing suicide. That's ridiculous. But I would just – I'd take hostages. There's a difference between suicide and just actively wishing death. It's like everything i don't want to i don't want to do it a massive but if it happens then whatever i've been thinking about that a lot with coronavirus and how we do the podcast and like if i got it or if i got if i

got like cancer and was dying or something like that and we just keep doing the show and be like this is how it was gonna go the whole time yeah this like this was always how it was gonna end with you on one side of a door finishing the podcast through a phone. Because I'm in quarantine. This is how it was going to end. If you guys close the office down, if you have no choice, if the government is saying

you have to, then what do you do? I guess you just Skype. I think podcasting and radio stuff, especially podcasting, is going to go up if we get quarantined. What are people going to do? I feel like some careers could be made. I'm hoping for the quarantine. Well, I said we got a guy here who's probably got it.

He's been out with the flu for a solid seven days now. Announce to the world, whether you do or not, that you have coronavirus and follow along with me and skyrocket, bro. Skyrocket it down. Close it down. You're now speaking to a first hand like let me tell you

what's going on with coronavirus and you fear monger and you spread misinformation and you get more followers and you blow up

it's what it is yeah no it's it's actually like a great idea because of all like in this world that we live in I think I said

this last time like when Giannis and I on our history of hyenas thing we write fake articles all the time

we write fake articles because so many articles are bullshit it's just you're making stuff up the you know yeah it's the new york times but they're lying they're lying about it they're just saying go see this special or this is what this scientist said it's all bullshit so yeah at some point now especially if it's you know there's misinformation anywhere you're gonna be lying i was just i might as well lie and i'll go out there i'll say listen

this is what i have right it's i've fucking got the coronavirus and uh and i'm i'm patient zero and yeah and then and then i'll just get a bunch of followers i mean i watched contagion last night that's literally what jude law does he what he lies no he well he's he's like the journalist right yeah and he's like an alex jones type before alex jones existed it's a movie from 2011 i watched it last night i don't know if that's sick or what, but Corona made me want to watch Contagion. I'd never seen it. Dude, I can never get... It's not sick.

It's up like 50%. A lot of people are watching it. Well, a lot of people are sick. It's like trending. He's like Alex Jones. I think it's called... I forget what his website is called, but it's something along the lines of InfoWars.

It's like Truth Be Told or whatever. He says he has whatever disease they have, and he's taking forsythia or something like that. Just like some herb. And he says it cures his forsythia. Then he starts selling forsythia. It makes like four and a half million dollars. And he never had it. So that's basically what we could do. We could just say we have it.

I'd like to be like Miller and Laird. Cures my coronavirus. Promo code KFC for 20% off your coronavirus cure. Come on, get it. I can never tell. I never, I always get Jared Leto and Jude Law confused. Really? Which one is which? Are they very different?

Very different. I don't know, man. One's British. Jude Law's like a pretty boy from Britain, and Jude Law's a fucking lunatic from outer space. Where's Jude Law from? No, Jude Law's from Britain. And where's Jared Leto from?

LA. He's from outer space. Yeah, I just can never get those guys. I can't keep those guys ever in my head right. I don't know why. Oh, speaking of LA. Yes. You had quite a tweet.

How is Kimmel? Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, which now they're saying they're not going to air it, which I'm like, just fucking air it. Air it as a bomb. I said to him afterwards, I'm sure this is in your head. You're your own worst critic. It's pretty good. If Kimmel's coming back to you, be like, we're not airing this.

Yeah. Well, no, I don't think it's Jimmy Kimmy kimball i think it's like no they saw the tweet but the thing is is like i tweeted that out and it's like it's my most you know twitter lets you know it's my most favorited retweeted tweet ever so they're like i'm like what like this is going to get my at least my fans to watch it like why not you know and uh and they're saying they're probably not but yeah here's what happened so when you do a late night set david letterman seth meyers jimmy fallon you do it at their studio okay and then you'll do it at the end of the show so there have been a whole comedy show guests and monologues and all that and then the producer will come out and say

and the warm-up comic would say hey we got a guy he's going to do five minutes like give him all your attention give him all your attention. Give him all your energy. Blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, Jimmy Kimmel or whomever the hostess will say, you know, what you'll see on TV, the audience will see. And, you know, all the way from New York City, please welcome Chris DiStefano. And then you do the set in the warm. The room is fucking warm.

This situation, it was going to be on Jimmy Kimmel's show, which he does out of Los Angeles, but the set is filmed from his comedy club in Las Vegas. So that's strike one. Strike two, they had a warm-up comic do about two and a half minutes, like not enough time, and then his sister does comedy. His sister is a comedian. And really nice woman. I just didn't know. You know, it's a job. To be a professional warm-up comic is like a specific job.

You know how to do it. Usually the professional warm-up comics aren't as good as stand-up as they are at warming up a crowd because it's more than jokes. You got to play games with them and throw a fucking beach ball around and, you know, tickle people. It's a whole game that you play, but it works because the crowd is like in a great mood and then they just laugh at the five minutes of jokes. So I go up. i go up there the room is first of all you know the first warm-up comic it was just like hey like it was 300 people that's just not conducive then the other comic goes up doing jokes about i don't fucking know or pussy or something i don't fucking know what the jokes are about there are jokes about something i was kind of listening not listening i'm sure she's fine but i just you know you're not really paying attention. But I do know nobody was laughing.

That's what I know. So I go out there, and you can just tell the room – it's like one of those things when you walk out to a hot room, they're clapping. And the clapping doesn't stop until you get to like the microphone or even – you have to be like, stop it. Then I'm like – I walk out, and I'm not even at the mic, and they're just like – Done. Done. Just like – just my dad's like, woo. Are they here for you though or for the night of comedy? They're there for a night of comedy.

I don't even think that they know that it's for late night. I think that they think that they're just going to this comedy club. They got free tickets because it's a TV taping, but I don't think they necessarily know. I don't know how in-depth it was explained. So I go up first. I was one of four comics who was going to do their set. By the time the fourth comic went on, the crowd was great. I heard that that comic fucking smashed. But I go up, and it's like such a cold room.

And I was doing, and the reason why I felt confident tweeting out like I fucking bombed is because I have so much stuff on the internet of my work. I had just done two podcasts before that, The Fighter and the Kid and Theo Vance, this past weekend podcast, which combined had already had like over 2 million views. And you knew you were doing good work. And downloads.

I'm like, that's the real work in 2020. Like the Kimmel Show doesn't get that many views. It's not his fault. It's just what it is in America now. So I already felt like I'm confident. I did the work. Where I needed to shine, i did okay yeah and and so i go out there and the first joke that usually gets a lot of laughs just kind of bombs and i was

just like oh boy i can feel that this is not going to go well then the second one gets a full zero like a full zero so i was like wowsies so. So then the third one, I was telling. And then in the middle of it, I just stopped. And I was like, you guys fucking suck. I said that on late night television. I was like, you guys fucking suck. I then just looked around and then went right back into my joke. And then just continued to gradually get worse.

Until the last one, because you have to do a five minute, another thing. You have to do your five minute approved set. So, you have to do your five-minute approved set. So if that was a normal comedy club, if that wasn't it, I would have just done crowd work, been made fun, went to dirtier jokes or jokes that really wake people up, but you can't do that when you get that five-minute set is vetted. So I had to come out and very inorganically be like you know what america's problem is we're like i wouldn't say that if i would come out and be like what the fuck is wrong with everybody you know i

just start yelling about the coronavirus yeah i would just start yelling and then i would do my set right but i wasn't couldn't do that this time so i felt like my hands were tied so then the last joke i did was just about getting blowjobs which is is not TV friendly or approved, but I was like, all right, at least this is like my closure that I closed in clubs with. This will get a laugh. And then that bomb. so even,

so even with my closer that I do in regular comedy shows, just a fucking set up. And I just walked out and, um, and, and the producer and the producer was like, Oh, don't worry.

We'll pump laughs into it. And I said, if you're going to air that thing, I need you to air it as the fucking bomb. I was like, cause I'm going to tweet out my experience. He was like, oh, don't worry. We'll pump laughs into it. And I said, if you're going to air that thing, I need you to air it as the fucking bomb. I was like, because I'm going to tweet out my experience. He was like, no, no, don't do that. That's not necessary. I was like, the tweet's coming. I was like, I can't wait to fucking get out of here and send this fucking tweet.

And then I literally, I mean, as soon as I got in the car to go to the airport, I fucking opened up Twitter. And I just started throwing it. And then I got so much support. So many comedians calling me, like dying laughing or sending me messages. Because there really isn't anything funnier, I think, to a comedian than the two things that make comedians like fucking gut laugh is when a comedian, a good comedian, like really bombs. Like what happened? Like really eats it and is trying to get out of it and they can't. fucking gut laugh is when a comedian, a good comedian, like really bombs, like what happened, like really eats it and is trying to get out of it.

And they can't, it's so funny or farts. One of those two. Is that happening? You can ask, you can ask like the most brilliant comedians. Nothing is funnier than a fart. It's just like,

it's just like a ripping a nice fart. It's like that thing that Barstool posted with a fart hits third gear. Yeah. I must've, I was crying. My daughter was in a swimming class like my whereas parents you're supposed to be very vigilant because they're like hey listen you know you know we're not in the pool but like as a parent keep an eye on your kid and i literally am like crying laughing at that fart hitting third gear and my daughter's fucking swimmies fell off and she's like laughing like that and i'm like oh shit and then i'm like crying and they you know i bet the instructor thought i was crying because i was nervous but i was fucking laughing at the third gear farm i feel like part of that though you have you

uh i don't think you ever want to blame the crowd right but like you know you're a fucking good comic you know you kill with that material and now all of a sudden it's not working maybe you didn't deliver it the same way maybe this maybe, maybe that. But the majority is like that crowd for that night for whatever reason is the problem, not you, right? Yeah, I think, listen, it's always the comedian's fault. At times, yes, the crowd. I know that's what you guys say because it's almost like that's part of the job or whatever.

But you're delivering the same jokes that kill every other time. The only reason why I say it was my fault i yeah those jokes deserve they were worked out crafted jokes that have done well in the past that's why they got approved to go on the show the reason why i'm saying it it is still my fault is because all those things that i said i i'm saying oh i couldn't do crowd i could have done it i actually could have done it and then just blown past the line been like hey i got them to the place i needed to then do my five minutes but because i kind of you know in a way pussyed out i don't want to pussy it out but like i want to be like professional follow the rules basically follow the rules where like you know some more renegade guys would be like no

fuck that i'm not gonna allow myself to go on television if it's not the crowd i want yeah so they would have so that's why i say like it kind of is my fault it wasn't my fault though is yeah like the way that's set up is just like not conducive to five minute also stand-up comedy on a late night show is not really what 2020 is about it's not like i can come on here or go on those podcasts i mentioned and give you an hour to two hour version of myself that'll make somebody say oh I want to buy tickets to go see this person as opposed to some shiny business card five minute bullshit set where they're like hey don't say your daughter's Puerto Rican I'm like but she has a tattoo on her tit and she's four she is Puerto Rican you know what I mean I'm like so like why like they'll tell you that they'll be like oh we don't know if we don't know

if we want you to we could do this stuff about your daughter but you know just don't even mention her race I'm like she's proud Her mother's a proud Puerto Rican. What are you talking about? You can't say that your daughter's Puerto Rican? Jimmy Kimmel was okay with it, but other late night sets have the requests they make you do. When you see a comedian on late night, they don't want to do that set. That's not the real set. Don't ever judge a comedian on that because it's like

they're making they're putting you in this little fucking box I think people know that that is that's crazy on the podcast that's why like

every time you guys say come on I'm like yes because people buy tickets to my shit after I make appearances here because they're like like oh

at least I get an honest chance to prove myself five minutes late and I said you don't get a chance it's crazy I was reading the book Robin which is about Robin Williams and his come up and it was he got Mork and Mindy to prove myself. Five minute late nights that you don't get a chance. It's crazy. I was reading the book Robin,

which is about Robin Williams and his come up. And it was, he got Mork and Mindy after 15 minutes on Johnny Carson. And granted,

he was working clubs too and stuff like that. But it was, get 15 minutes on Johnny Carson. Get your hard 15 or whatever it was, hard five,

whatever they call it. And then that crushed and they're like, okay, we're going to put him on the network show now. That's insane. That's how Ray Romano got Everybody Loves Raymond.

David Letterman loved him. He crushed. He did his five. He did a couple of sets on Letterman, but Letterman's like, hey, time to make you a star now. That's just how it works. Now that very, very, very infrequently happens where five minutes gets you anything. Now it's like, now it used to be, the way it used to work is big managers would see a talent, see a guy maybe in his early 20s, mid-20s, or even some older guys, but just see a talent and say, I'm going to build this. You and I are going to build this together.

We're going to have a sitcom, movies, all that. Now it's reversed. Now you, I as the artist, have to build everything. And then at the end, somebody attaches themselves to me and says, says here i could get you this last little rung so that's why there's this movement now at least in entertainment in stand-up comedy for like you know people are cutting their managers you know they're like hey like i'm doing a lot of the work we need the agent to go out and book us in these gigs but the manager or like these jobs are becoming less and less significant because there's so much groundwork that i'm doing it used to be the manager takes 10% cause they're doing like,

they're really helping you out a lot. And now, you know, it's just like, I do your own social media. You book me on this. And I booked myself on the fighter and the kid. And I,

you know, I know those people are like, right. I have the power now to make a social media video and it could hopefully go viral. Or like, I sell a lot of tickets now because I told a story about 9-11

so I told that comedy story and I had done that on my hour special on Comedy Central and it kind of just came and went because it was in their parameters nothing against Comedy Central they're great people but there's certain things like they don't want me to say you know I say in a bit I say I call myself Chrissy and I'm like every time my dad calls me my transgender

name like that's I knew shit was about to go down. And they're like, you can't say transgender. So I had to change it. And it's like all those things affect the bit to a point where it's like – Yeah, it all adds up. Because this game – entertainment is about edges, man, like same as sports. These people are not that much better than the next guy. It's just they're that 1 percent, and then boom, they're gone.

So that's what it is with comedy too so i do this 9-11 story and from the comedy seller with their you know camera which is good but not two hundred thousand dollar camera with their audio equipment which is good but not fifty thousand dollar audio equipment i was drunk not i was wearing fucking wet sweatpants so not all buttoned up yeah i did it my own way i took a bit that was six minutes on my special and did like 12 or 13 minutes on the youtube clip and i just put that out and that's the one that went viral and that's the thing that is selling me more tickets that and my podcast and the and being a podcast how do you know that you just like a like look at sales after that went out or people are saying i bought those no well yeah no that and yeah all the messages all the sales like now like last year i was at a point where like i would say from 2014 to 2018

i maybe sold out one or two shows in four or five headlining years and now it's like like i got a show april 18th at um in newark at uh the victoria theater and like it's a theater show and we added a show so like the first one sold out so quick or grammarcy theater on march 19 theaters they just are adding theater shows now with the coronavirus some of the tickets have slowed down but before that it was all just like because because they would go to you need like a funnel like they'll hear me on your guy's show say and then they'll say okay where's more of this stuff and then it funnels to them to that 9-11.

And then that's a 12, 13-minute representation of my comedy where they say, you know what? I'll buy this person's ticket. Or I won't. But the five-minute late night set, they're going to be like, no. That fucking 9-11 clip ruined my night once watching Ready or Not. I was watching Ready or Not with my girlfriend. And I was fucking flipping through Instagram. And I think you had reposted it.

And I had seen it. I knew it was hilarious. And I was like, you've got to see this. And I showed it was hilarious. And I was like, you got to see this. And I showed it to her. And she made us watch your answer to the internet. Both your fucking answer to the internet. Yeah.

And it ended up being 40 minutes of Chris and Stefano. I'm trying to see what happens with the fucking LeFou family or whatever their fucking name was. That's funny. The girls can't get enough

of Chris and Steve. It's almost like... Especially when you're wearing this fit. That shirt. That Hollywood. Look at that blouse. Look at that blouse Look at that blouse The first time I met you You came to my office and I was wearing a particularly feminine sweater

And you made fun of me for wearing a female sweater And now look This guy comes back around This fucking collarless Fucking blouse With my P-code I'm a fucking PCP P-code pussy. Yes, baby. If you ever need to, like, what are the boys back in Bay Ridge talking about Donald Trump

thinking this fucking look? Oh, yeah, nice fucking blouse. I mean, I posted a video, and I was like, oh, it's funny. My daughter's yelling. She's not on camera. It's great. And then I've got all, I got like 40 DMs, and I'm like, oh, this one, maybe this one went viral.

And it's all like, you pussy, nice blouse like 40 dms and i'm like oh this is this one maybe this one went viral and it's all like you pussy nice blouse nice blouse homo gay shirt i screenshot it right away because it was a couple nights ago yeah send the camera we gotta talk about this shirt yeah one of my gay i have a gay follower who's always messaging me and he's always oh he's like somebody's back that blouse on yeah it's a nice shirt. It's a shirt I'd wear. That's why it's gay. I can't wait for you two to fuck. Can I do the wedding? When he comes in with chlamydia in his ass, you know what happened the night before. You know, Chrissy drip drop got you.

When he's like, why do I have an ass leak? I'm like, and then I'm just there like that. In the ass. Dude, I'm two months STD free. Thank you. All right, man. You get a chip for that? Yeah, I get a chip.

Yeah. I get a chip. Yeah. That's very funny, man. Well, you know. It's fucking great, dude. So what, you got the History Hyenas live show? Live show, March 19th.

Second show added, 10 o'clock show. It's the first day of March Madness, but there's going to be no, you can't go to the games anyway. So you might as well come to Gramercy Theater because the venues are going to be shut down. But Gramercy Theater is open right now. Gramercy Theater, Live History Hyena Show, and then April 29th, Wall Street Theater, Live History Hyena Show out in Norwalk, Connecticut. And then me, christycomedy.com for all my dates.

I got Austin, which is almost sold out. Where's Boston? April 24th, 25th, Laugh Boston. North Carolina. I don't know which is almost sold out on April, April 24th, 25th, laugh, Boston, North Carolina. I don't know if you got fans in Raleigh,

North Carolina, April 9th, it's everywhere, babe, babe, everywhere. But April 18th, uh,

Victoria theater, Newark, New Jersey, second shows added. So get the tickets cause they're moving. So get them baby. And then Vancouver, I got to go to Vancouver,

April 2nd to the fourth, but I feel like they may cancel that, but come if they don't. It's in the Pacific Northwest area. Dude, did you read what happened there? That's just crazy, actually. In Seattle? Dude, in Seattle, right? So early January, there was this doctor who

had a bunch of sick people, and CDC was like, you're not allowed to test them. You're not allowed to test them for Corona. And you're not allowed to test them. You're not allowed to test them. So then finally, she's like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm testing these people. They are sick. 15're not allowed to test them so then finally she's like you know what fuck this i'm testing these people they're they're sick 59 60 had coronavirus and then cdc's like stop testing them stop telling me what will happen here really career shit well we just i think north new york just surpassed them as we have the most cases now yes yes yeah is new york not the best welcome to the city baby never forget

i feel like we're ready like i've seen all the germs and all i think that's why i'm not panicking Is New York not the best? Welcome to the city, baby. Never forget. The Uncle Andrews are made up. I feel like we're ready. I've seen all the germs and all. I think that's why I'm not panicking. It's just like, I don't know, man. I've seen it all. I feel like I have it all. We've been exposed to it all.

Yeah, well, I mean, I was traveling last week. I'm always on planes. I just kind of feel like I'm going to do everything that Dr. Oz tells me to do. But I just don't know if you're telling me also it's in the air. What am I supposed to do? And you're telling me the masks don't work. So what do you tells me to do. But I just don't know if you're telling me also it's in the air. What am I supposed to do? And you're telling me the masks don't work. So what do you want me to fucking do? Speaking of in the air though, my favorite thing about the coronavirus

is the camaraderie that comes from everyone that's not coughing. I went to see a movie. I went to see The Way Back with Ben Affleck. Great flick. And there was one dude who blew his nose twice, sneezed twice. It was completely unspoken. You could feel the whole theater like, if he does it again, we're going to fucking kill him.

It's like 9-11, let's roll. That's exactly what it is. There have been few moments in my life when I could feel in the air just something happening. One was, no joke, actually it's only been two times. It was one Patriots-Falcons Super Bowl where I was in a

full Patriots section. And it was like no one was saying anything. But the whole fourth quarter, we're like, this is happening. This is fucking happening. And then the other time, at the way back when this dude was sneezing. And it was like everyone just – it was palpable. Like, we're going to kill this guy. We're going to fucking kill him.

If he goes one more time, it's fucking done. Did I ever tell you my in-the-air Phil Collins story? No, please do. Oh, my God. Okay. So this is like four years ago, right? garden i got my courtside seats you know i'm with my pops and my pops is i love your fucking dad yeah my dad's just there and you know we used to sit in the upper deck and my dad's just like fuck great whatever so so we got these courtside seats and we're talking like courtside we're like courtside courtside and

when you get them through the certain guide msg you go up on the Jumbotron. That's like part of it. Oh, right, right, right. I'm like, yo, I'm not – I don't want – it's actually like embarrassing. Like they had put me on once before and it's just like, you know, what the fuck? I don't want to do this, you know? And then it's nice honor, but I'm like, eh. So anyway, we go there. We're sitting down.

I'm like, I hope they don't put me on the Jumbotron. And then, you know, my dad is like, eh, you know, if they do, they do. Like, you know, whatever. And then my dad and phil collins was sitting next to my father and it was so funny it was like easter sunday four years ago when we were nick sixers when they both sucked and my dad at one point i look over my dad's got his hand in phil collins easter candy bag he's got because phil collins had easter candy like chocolate bunnies and he must have asked him but i didn't see that but i just look over my dad's got his hand in ph had Easter candy, like chocolate bunnies. And he must've asked him, but I didn't see that. But I just look over, my dad's got his hand in Phil Collins' bag and Phil's like watching the game. And my dad's

like, just eating the chocolate. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, I'm having candy. So, and they're talking, Phil Collins and my dad are talking, talking and it's fine. And they're laughing. My dad's making Phil Collins laugh. He's like, you, I heard him once. He goes, do you really talk like that? You put the accent on, you really from england phil's like yes i am he goes

i don't believe guys with the accent and then we're like all right it's fucking phil collins so so so anyway they come over i see the cameraman coming over i'm like oh it's gonna be good you know uh i'll maybe i'll just you know they'll put phil collins on the jumbotron and that'll be great i was like they're coming over it's for phil so they put phil collins on the jumbotron and we're all and they play in you know and it's fuck even i'm like yeah like literally like 15 000 18 000 people whatever it holds on their feet fucking clapping and i'm like that was so fucking cool they i've never once seen them put the lights down for somebody on the Jumbotron. But they put the lights down a little bit for him to make it like even bigger.

Like it's all on Instagram. Like they were like, and it was like, fuck. And he went like that. Like, you know, like it was crazy. And people like, oh, my God, fucking Phil Collins did that. You know, iconic. Literally lights go down. I look up.

I see a clip of my stand up on the Jumbotron. I'm like, please tell me they're not putting me next. Please tell me I don't have to follow Phil Collins right now on the fucking Jumbotron. Please, no. Please, no. And then the guy's got the camera up, and I'm going, no, I don't want it. I'm telling the guy. I'm like, we don't need to do it.

We don't need to do it. We don't need to do it. And my dad's like, be a man. Do it. Be a man. And then the lights come on, and it's just my clip with a joke that kind of gets like a muddled laugh from my Comedy Central half-hour special. And literally, you could hear a fucking pin drop.

It's dead silent, and you hear like 20 rows back, as clear as day, somebody go, Who the fuck is that? And then they have me on the Jumbotron on camera and you can see my dad's hand i just feel it rubbing my back like a six-year-old he's just slowly rubbing my back as it's just as i'm bombing with a full zero from msg on the jumbotron and that and then yeah yeah and then phil and then literally like it comes down and then i just see down phil collins reaches across he goes candy and he offered me some easter candy and i was like oh now i get why

you fucking consider suicide to hang out in glass yeah i'm like why couldn't you put me first just put me first why did you make me follow phil and then like it was one of those i've never i've never i'm sure this never happened. It's literally, that happened to me? Like on the Jumbotron and then members of the Knicks staff came over and apologized to me.

That's how bad it was. Somebody's like, I'm sorry, we should have put you first or, you know, not at all, but you know, you know,

Mr. Dolan sends his condolences. Well, listen, man, I don't think much longer. I think if you you're gonna be on the jumbotron these days uh people are gonna know what was interesting fuck it is i was on the jumbotron like a month ago and um and again nothing against these other two people but the first person went up and they there were just had been a guest on the tonight show with jimmy fallon before an actress i don't know her name and it was okay you know nobody really clapped. It was a couple of people. Nobody's being rude, but people are like, I just don't know who that is.

Then the second person who went up had just won a fucking Emmy. They had just won an Emmy in comedy. In comedy, they just won an Emmy. I know this person. They just fucking won an Emmy. Three days before that, you could hear a fucking pin drop. It was like me with Phil Collins. Then the next quarter, they put me up

and they played a clip of my Comedy Central then the next quarter they put me up and they played um they played a clip of my hour my comedy central hour special and they put from the history hyenas podcast and i didn't get a huge pop but very very noticeable more than those two and and it was one of those it's not really about me it's just about like where people are consuming your entertainment it's like the first two were tv even though they won prestigious awards and done prestigious shows, nobody cared. I'm the internet guy and the podcast guy, and people are like, oh, I know who this fucking guy is.

I'm not saying they were going crazy, but it was the most claps I've ever gotten, you know, for sure. So I was like, yeah, fuck you, Dad. Can I get a clip of that from my dad? I'm going to show him how you guys clap. Actually, Mike Cannon, Mike Mike Cannon who's a guest he was on it yeah well I made out

I tried to fucking make out with him and they put the camera down I literally went full tongue with the guy for a bit and nobody saw it but me and him

and I'm sure you were so upset about it Chris I know and the people and I was fucking putting in work I was talking to this model and then I did that bit

and she like she just didn't talk to me I was like I'm not gay I just kiss guys for bits and she's like bye yeah all right man always a pleasure go get your tickets go download hyenas yeah chris stefano everywhere you're gonna be the next big thing babe love you what was your favorite story from that interview honestly the funeral yeah they were all awesome but that was so good and i mean he just paints the picture so well. I can see that guy being like... Can you imagine

in the moment, the first time he had to react to that question, who do you vote for? I don't think that matters, sir. My granddaughter is upset right now. It's 2000 now. I mean, if you go into the casket

with a MAGA hat on, a red fucking snapback. And you're a Puerto Rican, probably immigrant. I didn't even think of that. I did not even think that it was his girlfriend's father who was Puerto Rican. Oh, my God. How fucking funny, man. That's why. Just like you're desecrating your fucking...

Ancestry, your whole fucking culture. For two grand. But honestly, if I'm dead, and we gotta have a funeral, and you can tell me that we're gonna cut the cost of thousands of dollars in half or whatever, you can dress me... Go fucking glorious bastards.

Carve a swastika into my head. Sure, put me in a fucking Yankee hat. I don't give a fuck. Put me in pinstripes. I like how I went swastika, you went Yankee. They're on the same level, bro. Put me in a pinstripe casket. I don't give a shit. I'm dead. I don't want you fucking spending money on

my dead body. You kidding me? Torture me, and then carve a swastika in my head. Fucking Nazi! That is, though, a story like that paints the picture of a place like bay ridge and like i almost wish like i was born at city island's kind of one of those places but then i moved so i didn't like really do my my development there like you're gonna be a funnier person you're

gonna have better stories you're gonna have like a persona about you strictly from growing up in a neighborhood like that that's why him and yannis work so well on hyenas because they were just – they didn't have a choice. They were destined to have funny stories, ridiculous opinions, and crazy shit happen to them strictly because that's what happens in places like Bridge. The Bronx, Brooklyn, Breezy Point. You go to these places where it's just like – it is like a bubble, and they just have – Staten Island, a lot of places that have their own culture it's like you're gonna be funny it's just you're lucky it's just much easier you know yeah it might you know there might be some very shitty parts of that neighborhood or things that you don't like about the people there but if you're gonna go into comedy best thing that can happen to you is be born in one of those ridiculous neighborhoods

grew up in a regular suburb i was like i don't know i rode my bike and i fucking like played video games. Chris was running into Bay Ridge funeral directors like that his whole fucking life. So funny shit from him. Make sure you go get his tickets and follow him and everything. I think he's going to be – he's being pretty modest. Well, actually, I mean he was talking about how he's selling more tickets and shit like that now. But I really think Chris is about to like truly pop.

Would not be surprised to see him be like one of the top comics in the game in the years to come um so we'll get into am i the asshole today and we'll do some voicemails um let's get into we'll do i'm the asshole first okay um i got a couple here one is so there's am i the asshole on twitter and then there's also uh relationships from reddit which is another i think they're run by the same person to be honest um so first of all shout out to those people for aggregating all these i got i got people in my mentions last week going like way to steal the content like yeah no i mean it's it's i'm on the asshole on reddit and we're talking about the content we always steal news content too like we just stole a lot of content. I stole it from the New York Post. I stole it from the Daily News.

This show is just reading it. That was it. I guess that would be stealing. That's just NPR. I'm just going to read you the news reports. I'm going to start a podcast where I just read the New York Times every morning. You know what? I can see that working.

Someone being like, I want to know what's going on in the New York Times every morning you know what I can see that working I can see that someone being like I want to know what's going on in the New York Times but I don't want to read straight up I'm just reading you the New York Times newspaper on tape

does the New York Times have that I'm going to do that that at least or maybe like maybe add a little bit like a cliff notes version like I'm not going to

read the whole article I'm going to read it for you I'll just read you the headlines I'll read the headlines I'll read like you know the important sentences and then that's it how long do you think it takes to read it for you. I'll just read the headlines. I'll read the headlines. I'll read the important sentences, and then that's it. It takes forever.

How long do you think it takes to read a newspaper? A whole newspaper? I don't think that's ever happened. You read every story. I think reading an entire newspaper is like finishing a stick of ChapStick. It doesn't happen. Just you can't. I mean, by the time you're – it's tomorrow.

You have a new paper. Unless you have a diesel commute or you're from the 1900s tomorrow you have a new paper unless you have like a diesel commute or you're from you know like the 1900s like where you had to read the newspaper for fun it's like you read it for like an hour and then you get back to tv or whatever that makes sense right makes sense yeah i would think so i'm sure there are guys who do it cover to cover but i mean fuck those people um all right so let my dad read six papers a day. Six? He can't do it. Yeah, maybe more. Dad's got to do something else. Does he have any fucking responsibilities? He gets up at like 4 a.m.

He gets up at like 4 a.m. My dad goes to bed legitimately in the 7 o'clock hour now. That's how much he wants to go with my mom. He'll be up, I would guess he'll be up at like 10, 11. Yeah, my dad will, like, Jeopardy's over and he's like all right you're bothering me he goes to fucking sleep at like 7 30 wakes up at like three that's crazy um all right you do feel like you're there there there have been some times recently where i've woken up early and it does oh you feel like you're better you you there's there's such a reason cockiness to it where it's like – and granted, I got up and I just watched TV.

But you're awake. I go outside right away and I do something. Like I'll go get a bagel. And I'm like, well, look at me. My day started. And now it's like, bleh. I understand where they're like, you're just getting up, thing comes from. Yes.

If I get up earlier than you, I will be like, you just got up? When my kids were like you know newborns and shit and you're in that phase of being up late for the kids and up early in the morning for them you definitely it's always like all right let me fire off a tweet so i get a time stamp so people know i was up three and then i woke up at 5 30 and like i'm tough and i'm responsible and i'm an adult and you slept till eight oh must half day must be nice you know all that shit there is a reason why people are like i would love to know the psychology behind that i guess it's just like you know uh it's almost like when you're breaking news and i am informed and you are not it's like

i am awake and doing things and you are not and i am better than you for that so uh this one uh i'll be honest this one turned me on a little bit turned you on okay my roommate pretends to be me when she has sex with her boyfriend uh i 26 female came home earlier than expected when my roommate lucy 27 female and her boyfriend dave 28 were having sex and i knew this due to the abundance of noises coming from her room while i was relaxing in my room i could hear dave calling lucy by my name they were role-playing and incorporating me into it. The noises and things being said were graphic, disturbing to me to say the least, and it all involved me. I decided to try to ignore it, so I went to the kitchen to get some food,

and then Lucy walks in dressed in lingerie identical to a set that I have, and she was wearing a wig that resembled my hair. When she saw me, she ran back to my room. On Saturday morning, they both came back to the living room and initiated a conversation of the weirdness of Friday night. I asked them why they were dressing up as me. She said that they both sexually fancied me and that they'd like to dress up on occasion. I asked them not to do this as it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I kindly asked them, I kindly asked, and I did not try to demand it i also asked if they could do this role playing at dave's house they then turned this into an argument of me

accusing them to policing their sex life and i was being approved because quote unquote everyone role plays um no wrong incorrect false i let me see there's a couple other like uh funny tidbits i think here but um she said can you please lower their voices um so long story short they just said they don't give a fuck any lucy and dave don't give a fuck anymore since monday both lucy and i have been working from home because of the coronavirus and that this guy's still coming over they're just smash city and uh she thinks that she like pissed them off so now that they're doing it on purpose purpose and then she put an edit at the end. She said, please stop suggesting I participate.

If I didn't see that, that probably would have been my first thing. She said, I don't want to do it. I have zero interest. I think that's as flattering as it gets and as long as the people in this are all good looking, I love this whole situation. Yeah, if they're ugly, then fuck them. As always with everything else in life.

If they're ugly, then fuck them. Right. As always with everything else in life. If they're ugly, then fuck them. I hope they die. It is. It's the same thing. It's why we only eat ugly animals. I was talking about this on Low Ender Bar the other day. We only eat ugly animals because guess what? Fuck those animals.

Pigs are cute. Pigs aren't cute. Pigs are fucking gross morons and shit. Baby pigs are cute. Little piglets? Nah. I mean, maybe a piglet, but I don't eat piglets. I eat pigs.

I eat big, fat, gross. Pigs look like a fucking over-enlarged testicle. Yeah. Right? It's gross. It's ugly looking. I only eat pigs, cows, chickens. Gross.

Yuck. Fuck them. Hope they die. Hope they die horribly. Yeah. Right? And they do. And that's kind of how I feel about ugly people as well.

Chop their heads off. I'd probably eat you. Fucking ugly motherfuckers um so yeah obviously we hope they're attractive people but the uh i i think she's completely in the right like like you if you're gonna do some weird shit in the bedroom you can't just let other people know about it no it's what i can't hear you what you do behind closed doors is totally up to you until it comes into my living. And then if I see you walk around in lingerie, who the fuck walks around?

Why are you still wearing the wig? Take the wig off. She must have not thought it was anybody's home. But still. Still. Doesn't matter. Yeah, that's gotta... You need a little more discretion. But I mean, shout out to the girlfriend in this situation. How many girlfriends in the world do you think their boyfriend could confess, I want to fuck your roommate.

And the answer is like, all right, well, I'll just pretend to be. The answer is me too. Yeah, right, right. I mean, that's a sexually healthy couple. I'm going to tell you what right now. They need to learn boundaries. They need to learn roommate respect. But I'm all for a couple where the guy can be like, your friend is hotter than you or whatever.

And I want to fuck her. And the answer instead of being like, all right, I kill myself and then you is like all right i'll dress up as everyone fuck you can call me lucy what or whatever her name is i wouldn't look that's that see i don't listen now let me preface i'm not a role play guy not at all you're a role player you're a pervert i will do whatever i mean well listen we don't king shame here no i'm gonna king shame role play really yeah i mean oh i'm. I want to fuck. I don't want to act. I'm with you on that, but if a chick came to you, if a chick came to me and said, like, I want to do this,

I mean, I'm doing it. I mean, yes. And I'll give you a fucking performance. No, no. I don't think so. I'll do it, and I'll do it right, but I don't want to do it again. There's only been one time, and I don't think it was for me. Do it again. What was the line?

No. I honestly, I think I just said I'm Russell, and I don't think it was for me. Do it again. What was the line? No. I honestly, I think I just said I'm Russell Brand. I don't know. I don't want to. No, you did me eyes, me eyes. Take me home, but not me eyes or whatever. Take me shirt, but not me eyes. Classic.

And that was it. I don't think I care for it anymore. I don't think I want to explore it anymore. Like, well, I'm going to be a fucking doctor. Yeah. I fucking doctor yeah i'm gonna be like oh i mean this is so fucking stupid take your take your pants off let me eat your vagina real quick yeah that's what we're gonna do i might i'm i feel like maybe we owe it to ourselves to do a little uh step porn role play and just see what the fuss is about maybe maybe maybe there's a reason why there's step family porn everywhere there's absolutely not there's gotta's a reason why there's step family porn everywhere. There's absolutely not.

There's gotta be a reason. no, dude, there's, I mean, every porn star that we know. You're a fucking sicko if you like step porn. Every porn star that we talk to says like the fucking clicks go through.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what? Everyone's a fucking sicko, but I'm not a sicko. But listen, we are very much on the record of like,

if all my friends are jumping off a bridge, I'm going to find out what, what the fuck. I mean, I've seen it. I've seen it. I don't see it. Doing it is different than seeing fuck. No, I mean, I've seen it. I've seen it. I don't see it. Doing it is different than seeing it.

No, I mean, we're talking about just the popularized version. Like, it's so popular. And I watch it. I'm like, it's just porn that I don't get it at all. And I'm not going to fucking pretend. Dude, if I'm ever, there's no chance I'm ever fucking in saying the word sister. Yeah, no shot. It's just not happening.

No shot. It's not happening. I don't care if Step's in front of it. I don't fucking give a shit. You're a fucking weirdo. What if Chick Kim was just like, I want to be like a hooker and you bought me. You're just going to say no?

I mean, if you want to have role-playing sex with me, it is not going to be hot. Right. I'll do it. It's going to be funny. We're not going to like, I'm not going to pretend I'm fucking bi. I'll pretend I'll laugh about it and shit like that. But see, I'm more of the school of thought.

Like, I don't really want to do this, but I'm going to do this so that when I ask you, you're going to do something for me. It's like, it's all. I know. I also don't ask for things. Yeah. Well, I know. It's like, we know.

I'm also not going to ask you to do anything. Do whatever. You drive the boat. Okay. You drive this boat. Do whatever the fuck you want to do isn't it funny how much you gotta like and i don't know i i imagine this is something that much guys go through much more almost maybe exclusively than girls where it's like you got you can't really just ask for certain things but you want certain things right and you And you've got to just break them in. You've got to find a way to make them do the things you want to do without being a fucking pervert. I'd rather just want them.

Really? What if I do them and they stink? Well, I feel like if you're in a long-term relationship, though, and you want certain things and they're just not doing it, that it starts to – it's like that thing you always say about the couple breaking up because of the picture on the wall yeah it's like it's eventually just going to eat at you you know if there's something you really want and you've been together forever and you're kind of done everything else and you're just waiting and like they just don't do it i just don't really want anything well that's yeah i mean you don't have any desires or or demands or anything it's like uh i don't know i just think it's a lifeless bag of flesh if it happened it's only wanted something and I had it and it sucked, I'd be like, I'm never having sex again. Fuck this.

That was the thing I wanted. That was my holy grail. I got it and I hated it. Then what's this whole thing been for? What have we been doing the last fucking 20 years of sex? What's the point of all of this? You just diminish all of sexual intercourse in the event that one bad thing happened. The one thing I want, the one thing I'm like, ooh, that's hot, I'm just never going to do it.

Yeah. Well, it is good to leave a little mystery almost. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I'm chasing this. It's almost like a threesome. Like we said, the idea of a threesome is better than the execution. But there's a lot of other things I'd like to execute. I don't know.

Not me. Not me. It's like having a kid. What if it just dies and then it's not fun anymore? Like, that is my sexual child, and I'd rather just leave it up in the air. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather leave it in the imagination rather than have it and be like, oh, this thing fucking sucks, and now I'm sad. It is true.

If your kids die, that stinks. Right. So if you just don't have kids. I mean, that's a stone cold fact. If you just don't have kids, they can't die. So I'll say that. That is also a fact. You cannot have a funeral for a kid you just don't have i mean that's a stone cold fact if you just don't have kids they can't die so that is also a fact you cannot have a funeral i'm not gonna have you don't have i'm not gonna have that kid that sex act because if it dies and i'm like oh i'll just i'd be i'd be great at it it'd be fun i'm not gonna do it you didn't totally connect wow i mean that's something it didn't yeah it didn't really connect take shots but i think definitively we

can turn this one into an mia asshole you you are the asshole if you are pretending to be someone you know what i think if you get caught like they thought they had the apartment themselves whatever once you get caught and she says hey can you stop and you just like keep doing it in her face that's like uh rape you're like you're like you're like comfortably comfortability raping that girl yeah just like i'm in my own home and i asked you to stop doing a weird deviant act and you and you're ratcheting it up that's just that's just rude it might be straight up rape because it's she's having sex and she doesn't want to be having sex right she lucy or whatever did not consent to that sex yeah that's uh i also there's a whole you definitely need to find out if she bought lingerie that looks like yours or if you just stole it because then that's really weird yeah

what do you like why why does she know what your lingerie looks like yeah girls are weird you never know with that girls girls fucking goddamn fucking idiots goddamn sons of fucking bitches idiots next up what do you got um okay so this is the name of the asshole. It is... Nope, I'm opening Fandango, not Reddit. Same colors. They're both white background. They're arm-slinging. Have you noticed that there's a lot, like, Chase is like a blue and white one,

and there's a bunch of them that look like that to me. Yeah, you gotta be... I feel like they pick the really important apps and they just try to make their logo look like it. Oh, that's pretty smart. That makes sense. You know a lot of people are going to have the Chase app, so I'm going to make mine blue and white too. This is, would I be the asshole if I wore white jeans

against my girlfriend's wishes? Last year, I, male 26, got some jeans in a sale. I was with a friend who encouraged me to look good, and I thought, why not? My girlfriend, 24, hates them. Not long after that, we were invited bowling with a group of work friends and someone joked that we should all wear white jeans.

I turn up in mine, classic joke, as does another guy and my girlfriend shoots me daggers all evening. Everybody says I look good in them, including her, but her response when I ask about them is that she just hates them. She hates the concept of them and she just let it slip once that she doesn't like them because they make me look gay, which I'm not.

Yeah, I know. I'm fucking you. I like wearing them. I look good. I look good too. And wearing them out makes you feel confident. Something that actually helped me last time I went bowling is I managed to break my high score. I'm competitive. I don't know. Let me tell you something. If you wear your white jeans to break your bowling score, you be gay yeah yeah let me let me tell you what arguments to leave at home they break my bowling score um i'm competitive and always look to improve though i'm not suggesting the genes are a direct cause of this but they boost my confidence it's certainly a factor we've been invited bowling again jesus christ bro you might the bowling is the is the thing here huh um so my question is would I be the asshole if against my girlfriend's wishes

I wore the white jeans with my colleagues again? I think it's worth mentioning she's never made homophobic comments about anything else. She just doesn't want me wearing a period mat. Could you imagine your girlfriend be like, you're wearing those white jeans, you faggot. I have many thoughts on this. Many thoughts.

All right. I think there's a lot of factors at play. First of all, just like the last one, how does this guy look? If he's a short, fat, I don't know, whatever. Those are certain people that just shouldn't be wearing certain things. So I'm going to throw that out there. I'm going to throw out there that I think that everything he said there is like if i feel good and confident and all that and you should wear it like that's that's why people wear clothes

that's why people wear some risky clothes like you should do that number three i think there's also in a relationship there are things particularly with like clothes and looks or accessories where you just like you just fucking hate it just like i hate that hat you wear i hate those shoes you wear i hate whatever and that it might be irrational and pretty rude but it just like happens and you almost need to respect that like somewhere along the line i might hate that fucking dress and so i'm gonna whatever and the last thing and ultimately why I think he's the asshole, which is, but here's why. Not like because of like the specifics of the story. You are the asshole because you are just opting in to a fight with your girlfriend. Like, you know she's going to hate this.

Let me say something loud and clear. Fuck your girlfriend. Wear those jeans. Opt into that fight. This is what you get, ladies. This is what the ladies get. All the time. Re-put your soap. I want a guy who dresses nice.

I want a guy who cares about fashion. I don't want a manly man. Well, guess what? Now we wear fashion and we wear gay things. You have to deal with it. This is rooted. They went out. They walked to the bowling alley. Guess who got all the compliments that night? Not her. You know what it is? You wore white jeans. it. This is rooted. Like, they went out. They walked to the bowling alley. Guess who got all the compliments that night? Yeah. Not her.

Yeah. This is, you know what it is? You wore white jeans. You got a little gay. You became a girl. And two girls walk in. First of all, white jeans aren't gay. White jeans are hot.

Right. But, you know, when you're in a bowling alley in, like, the Midwest or wherever these fucking people are from, it's gay. Yeah, yeah. If you were at a bowling alley, you're definitely in the Midwest. Perfect. So, like, if you and the work colleagues are like, you know what would be hilarious tonight, fellas? You all wore white jeans.

If that's the kind of town you're living in, it's in the Midwest. You got to realize, and this is when you think about politics and shit and how people win elections and whatnot, it kind of boils down to white jeans. The reason why Donald Trump is the president is white jeans. If you showed up somewhere wearing white jeans, nobody would say a word. If I did, it may be a little bit out of character, but if we went to a New York City bar or a club or the Hamptons or whatever, you'd fit right in. That's like 0.01% of this country.

The rest of the place, you wear fucking white jeans in Montana. Those not Brett Favre Wranglers? What the hell's wrong with you, boy? Exactly that. What, you a queer? Exactly that. You take those pants off when your boyfriend fucks your butt or what? Here's a glass of wine you got because you fucking wear

white jeans. Queer! Thousands per cent. But that's, I think this has been a long time coming. The revolution is here. Guys, we dress nice now. All right? And you're going to have to deal with it.

And then you become another. It's like a girl. When two girls walk into a place and one girl gets all the compliments, the other girl hates her. Right. It just happens to be the boyfriend. I mean, we just had Chrissy Blouse on. We got fucking. Chrissy with us apartment.

I don't know. Yeah, I mean. Wrench Ricky white jeans. Wrench Ricky. That's a tough one. Wrench mean. Wrench Ricky white jeans. How about him? Wrench Ricky. That's a tough one. Wrench Ricky white jeans. Wrench Ricky white jeans. Wrench Ricky white jeans.

Wrench Ricky white jeans. Wrench, wrench, wrench. You're not even close. Wrench Ricky. Wrench Ricky. Do it again. Do it again. For some reason, my jaw's locking up.

Wrench Ricky white jeans. There you go. I like my. Wrench Ricky. Wrench Ricky. Jeans. There you go. I like my... Wrench Ricky... You sound like a retarded person. Wrench Ricky White Jeans! Wrench Ricky White Jeans! Wrench Ricky White Jeans!

Got it. Only you can concoct a nickname you can't say. And you know what? And you know these people are hanging out in a bowling alley that's not one of those black light party ones it's like a wooden bowling alley where they serve

like Dixie cups of beer some fat asshole on the corner that's been quoting Big Lebowski since 86 let me get a white Russian just spraying the shoes

with that Lysol and serving you flat warm beer in a pitcher and you pour it into the Dixie cup and then you're actually bowling that's when you know he hands you a pitcher and you pour it into the Dixie cup and then you're actually bowling. That's when you know. He hands you a

beer and he's like, nobody messed with the Jesus. And then he winks at you, but not your girlfriend because he's like, she doesn't get it because women can't watch Big Lasky bowling. Over the line, market zero. Yeah, we're doing more. Let's go. I mean, I agree with what you're saying

principle-wise. i'm just saying like it if you are gonna wear those white jeans thinking that you're ever gonna get anything other than a fight you're being an asshole you're gonna she's gonna hate this forever yeah so it's a pick your battles if those white jeans matter that much to you my problem my problem was i never picked i i grew up my father and all the men in my life kind of lived that mantra of pick your battles and i never once picked a battle i just always was like wow but this is this is not everyone coming down the line i was always like this is not worth it no no the next one the next big one you know

then i'll then i'm gonna save my ammo for this one, save my bullets. And then I never said anything. And all of a sudden it was like, well, I hate everything because I never picked a battle. So sometimes you do have to pick a battle. And if it's white jeans for you, fine. But just know you're being an asshole. If your girlfriend flat out says, like, I hate you in those white jeans because you're gay. Well, guess what?

When you wear those, she's going to hate you for being gay. Yeah, and she's going to make it a personal mission. As everyone in a relationship does, like, gonna i'm gonna take that confidence down right oh you're getting too big for your literally big for your britches i can't have them thinking they're better than me right and this i don't i don't even think that's a toxic relationship i think that's just a relationship standard every relationship has someone who's reaching up and someone who's coming down she's probably the one who's high he's reaching up to her but when he down. She's probably the one who's high. He's reaching up to her. But when he wears his white jeans, he's getting on that same level.

And you can't have that. You can't have that happen. No. You can't have the power dynamics shift. I know that all too well. So last one here. This is also an am I the asshole? Am I the asshole for calling out my wife's friend's husband for having a micro

penis so long story short we all live in a city that's surrounded by farms i grew up here worked on my uncle's farm my whole life uh this guy met um this guy met megan in college she's from here i met my wife in college megan's parents own a farm alex is the guy he worked there for a bit now he's a used car salesman my wife and megan became close okay blah blah cut to the chase my wife told me that megan told her that her husband had a way below average dick which my wife told me about in confidence and i learned that both alex and morgan were virgins because they're super christian um and so they my wife also told me that they were married and that uh masturbation was okay but megan had only been with

one guy who was small and then learned that there's a lot of men out there that are much bigger so this girl like had she had the realization like oh my husband has a micropenis as well. They're at a barbecue the other day, and this guy shows up in a truck. It's a GMC, the biggest truck he's ever seen, lifted up nine inches with 38-inch tires, never seen a truck bigger. He then spent a good 45 minutes talking about the truck he bought, saying he lifted over a foot and had the biggest quote the biggest tires i can legally have every time i tried to ask questions about it he was just like yeah you don't know about it you're not from the country so i got a little mad i got a little drunk and uh so for someone who grew up in the shithole in the same shithole that i grew up in to tell me i don't know about the country life he got a little offended and he just said to him so did you buy that truck because of your micro penis?

He got really red. He shot daggers at Megan, who then looked at my wife, who then looked at me. And it's been 24 hours, and my wife is still giving me the cold shoulder. So, I mean, there's a lot of assholes in this. A lot of assholes in this story. Who's the biggest asshole, I think?

It's not even... Little Dickfell is the biggest asshole. You think so? Oh, for sure. This is why I have a lot of thoughts on this one, too. If you got Little Dick, and you know people know you got Little Dick, biggest asshole i think it's not even the biggest asshole you think so oh for sure this is what this is what i have a lot of thoughts on this one too if you got a little dick and you know people know you got a little dick well you can't be you can't be like hey won't you shut up you're from the country you gotta be that's that's why i think there's a bigger discussion here because that

guy didn't know like he is not assuming that his wife's telling anybody if anyone's seen your little dick they're talking about everyone knows you so i guess you gotta you gotta you got a noteworthy dick fella it's on the wrong side of the history but right it's yeah it's a noteworthy dick that's a dick people are gonna talk about right that's a that's a dick people gonna get to brunch and discuss over i don't know bud heavies and fucking whatever they do in spokane in the country yeah you guys eat and i mean here's the thing about secrets and embarrassing things and then specifically in relationships. If you tell somebody something and you tell them not to tell anybody,

they're telling two people. They're telling their significant other and their most trusted friend. And I think that's okay. I think if someone says, I won't tell anybody, that means I'm telling at least two people. And you have to be okay with that.

Yeah, I guess. Right? That's a secret though. I don't even think I really tell secrets because it's just like that's a secret though i don't i don't even think i really tell secrets because it's just you know they're not that's what i mean you should be able to tell people something in confidence but it's human nature to just i got to tell somebody else this and then they are two steps removed and they're not going to have the same you know reverence for this secret or lie or whatever so they're gonna tell people but i do think there's something to if you tell me

something and you say i was not supposed to tell anybody this so like it cannot get back to me now i almost think you i now own the bigger burden of the secret right because now i can fuck you over so i don't i don't give a shit that he embarrassed the little dick guy but he just totally fucked his wife totally because that girl is gonna go you told him i told you no no no you tell a wife she's telling the husband oh you're a fool that's what i'm saying everybody tells at least two people so that's on her she told someone who's fucking married right marriage you're legally out of town so that's what it is you cannot tell secrets to anybody who's in a marriage like a serious relationship yeah oh if i tell someone who's fucking married i know their wife knows yeah for sure right for sure but to then let the cat out of the bag i think is tough

but and also uh my final point that that was not enough of a of a disrespect i don't know maybe in the country it is but for someone to be like yeah you don't know. Maybe in the country it is. But for someone to be like, yeah, you don't know about the country, and then blow up. Yeah. I guess it's in the country. If you're a little dick fella, you gotta act in public settings where you're

probably... Act like the guy at work, or act like the worst player on the team. Or act like the guy who probably shouldn't have his job, but he still keeps it. Just keeps it quiet. Right. You got a tiny little dick. You can't be the loud guy.

Because if someone knows how to be the little dick, they're going to say, you're being the loud guy because of the little dick. I think if I had a micro penis, it takes bravery. I think I would own it and tell the world. I know. No. I think that's the best way to do it

it's like owning your fatness or owning your disability or something cause otherwise you feel like it's like a shameful secret you're always

like if I had a micro penis I would be absolutely terrified that every time I take a girl home that like we could have a we could click

and it's all good but when I take my pants off she's running for the hills I would rather that be out there and it's like if you still go on this date with me and you still go home with me, you know what you're getting into already, so I'm not going to worry about it. You're going to get tattooed on your face?

It's almost like Chris's friend getting AIDS. You're worrying about the big reveal, the big thing. I'd rather just do it. I'd rather just say I have – I crack jokes about it. I don't own it. It's like I'll make a divorce joke or whatever. I got caught. You've got to take it back in your favor yeah you got it that's how the world works but just that that with the penis it's a tough one because you like you're

weird to just bring it up yeah i mean yeah i don't want you to walk in the room and be like they got a tiny pecker but if it presents itself because here's the thing if so if you're you're playing answer the internet with your friends and there's a question about size and you can feel like the whole room being like, oh shit, we're doing like a dick size thing

with micro penis over here. I'd be like, in that situation, of course, but you get to be at a bar being like, anyway, my little prick was in the shower.

No, but I think if you know, those opportunities are going to come out. People talk about sex and dicks all the time and if you own it and you do it in a funny way,

oh, it takes us once, you know, and then everybody knows it's on the table. I'd rather do that than have it be a big dark secret but you're right i feel like people people who talk shit when they have like a big secret or a big thing that you know that's crazy to me like like like i i know people who are it's like i could i could fucking ruin you right now. You know what I mean?

Like, I know this about you, or I know what your deepest thing, or what you're hiding, and you're still running your mouth. And, like, you know that I know. Like, if you want to go nuclear, like, I'll fucking end this. You know what I mean? I just would, if I ever had a skeleton like that, I would never talk any shit to anybody. Because who knows that they're going to have the same respect for your line.

I feel like this is a shot across my bow. I'm just shutting up. I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know anything. No, your skeletons are out. Come on. But there are people with skeletons that will still run their mouth and it's like, hmm, you sure you want to do that,

tiny dick? But it is almost you you are the ultimate asshole if you are the true walking trope of i'm gonna get the gmc truck i was gonna say too yeah yeah i mean that is as cliche as it fucking gets man so everybody's the asshole a lot of assholes today on the show including these two guys right here let's get into our voicemails they're brought to you by miller light the official sponsor and the official product drink and lifestyle of kfc radio voicemails kc radio voicemails are now almost nine years deep uh tens of thousands of voicemails and the lifeblood of this show the same way that Miller Lite is basically my lifeblood these days. It's a fine pilsner, and it's especially good for guys of my age and my status in life because it's only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

So you're not going to get fat. And it's brewed in Milwaukee, which makes me feel like a guy's guy. I feel like everybody we know from Milwaukee is like the good, salt-of-the-earth people. I don't know anyone from Milwaukee. I just know Latrell Sprewell. I know he's from Milwaukee. Yeah, he bounces at a bar there. Oh, I did. I know that.

He just hangs out at a local bar. That's what you do when you listen to voicemails. You share memories, you share stories, and that's what you do every time you crack open a Miller Lite. So if you're listening to our show, if you're calling into our show, or you're just hanging out with your friends, sharing stories and asking questions, do it while you're drinking a Miller Lite. Please celebrate responsibly at Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Again, 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Get your Miller Lite on. What's up, boys? Got a quick question for you. So I got a roommate who has a dog. He is neglectful as fuck to the dog. He doesn't let it out. He gets to feed it all this shit.

So I take it upon myself to let the dog out, to feed the dog, to play with the dog, because I love dogs. But now the dog likes me. it gets more excited to see me than the owner. The owner said something to me tonight about it, and I'm like, dude, take care of your fucking dog. So do I just stop taking care of the dog, or do I say, fuck this guy, and take care of the dog, do I say, fuck this guy and take care of the dog because it's not fair to the dog. What do you guys think?

Yeah, let me know. What's your face about? This is a no-brainer. You keep taking care of that dog. Yeah, I mean, when you're talking about taking care of someone that's neglectful, yeah, you definitely have to. But if we're not talking about taking care of like and and someone that's neglectful yeah you definitely have to but if we're not talking about like life and death i think you're kind of an asshole for like stealing the dog away from that person i completely disagree like if you're just playing with it yeah i mean like it doesn't feed the dog yeah no i'm saying if you take if you're talking about

life and death and like basic things you have to do it i'm saying if it's just like the dog is totally fine but when you're around you you steal the dog time from this guy, that's kind of fucked up. I would be upset if my dog liked somebody else better than me. Well, too bad. Be nicer to your dog. I know. I'm saying, again, it's like if...

But even if we're just playing, the dog likes me because I'm awesome. Fucking too bad you suck. That's an easy one. It's always part of where you want to win the kid you want to win the dog that's yeah that's a job well the kid is i think that's what's in my mind is the kid i feel like dads are fun you know so a lot of times kids are like i want to play with daddy i want to hang with daddy and it's like sometimes you have to be like all right let's make sure you know you like mom too you know what i mean like you don't want to i don't think you want to be like, all right, let's make sure you like mom too. You know what I mean? Like you don't want to – I don't think you want to like outshine somebody. Again, if everyone's taking care, everyone's doing their job,

we're not talking about neglect or harming or whatever, I feel like it's – you just got to include other people's feelings. You can include other people's feelings, but I'm – I mean I'm cutthroat. I'm playing to win. That dog likes me better than too bad. You should – Raise your game. Set your game up. Be'm playing to win. That dog likes me better than too bad. You should raise your game. Be more fun. Guess what? I'm the Golden State Warriors.

Go get Anthony Davis. But it's like being an uncle or someone who comes over. It's like, I have to discipline you. I have to hit you with the newspaper when you misbehave. I've got to train you so you don't like me as much. And you just come over, the fun uncle,

and now you're stealing my dog away from me. That's right. That's kind of fucked up. I don't think it is at all. I have fun with the dog, and then I leave, and now it's your dog. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to tell you to stop, but I think it's a valid feeling to be like,

oh, man, it sucks. He just thinks John's the fun one because he doesn't have to deal with me with my shit on the floor or whatever. This is a very common thing. It's why it's been – the fun uncle's been a thing forever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean I guess you just got to – but when it's like – you can't tell the dog that.

You can't convey to the dog like, all right, I know John's fun. But a dog, you don't have to discipline it. Once it's trained, you're just having fun. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. A child has to discipline at every stage of their life. Yeah, but I feel like that's because you haven't disciplined

many dogs. I was living with two. I was living with the two when we got them and they were young and trained them. But did you train them? I was with part of the training. That's what I mean. You're not the one who's enforcing the rules or whatever. But the rules are just like don't pee in the house.

Yeah, I taught the dogs not to pee in the house. But if you're not the one whacking them or locking them in the cage or whatever, you're not going to get the dogs. They're not going to hate you for that. But it's just like they don't hate anyone for that. I don't know. They don't. I would imagine the one that does the disciplining the dog doesn't like as much.

I don't know. I don't think we ever hit them. So it was, I don't know. They definitely don't resent anyone in my family for teaching them to pee outside. Again, they're not like highly trained dogs who can speak and fucking roll over and pretend they got shot. They just don't pee in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's, I don't know.

Either way, though, I mean, if we're talking about, like, you know, not feeding and not taking for a walk and shit, like, we're just talking about you got to save that dog. What you should be doing is, like, taking that dog away. Forget about just continuing to do it. You need to be like, I'm going to adopt this dog from you, dude. This dog is now mine. Yeah, you can't have it.

People who have dogs that can't have dogs drive, it's crazy to do that to me. In my mind, if you don't have the right apartment, you don't live in the right place, you don't have the money, you don't have the time, you go buy a dog. There's no point. Crazy. Crazy neglectful. Next up. Hey, boys.

Just calling to say hypothetical. Looking through your store, all the cool swag now. If there was one clothing item, regardless of gender, that you could choose to either put your name on or just say that you invented it. Which one would you choose and what item of clothing? And awesome fucking swag in the store. That was a plant. The store at parcelesports.com.

If I could claim and get credit for and be the inventor of the hoodie, no doubt. I mean, it's really not a fair question because that's obviously – I mean, today I'm wearing this crew neck, and I felt – I wear hoodies so often now. I felt naked not having the hood back by my neck. I put my jacket on. I felt light, and I was like, where's the hood? I wear hoodies so often now.

If you could be – that actually might be a lie. I start telling people, where's the hood? I wear hoodies so often now. That actually might be a lie I start telling people. My great-grandfather invented the hoodies. The Clancy's family, they invented hoodies. That's such a great claim to fame. Who said his family grandfather invented the stop thing in gas? Oh, like where you can't pump any further? No, where you... It's not legal in Massachusetts, so you can't have it.

Oh, where you can put the thing down so you can walk away? Yeah. They cut those off in New York, too. You can't do that anymore. Yeah, those are great. Those are the things that you can't prove or disprove, so you have to get credit to change the world. What would you pick?

What item? I mean, definitely. Hoodies, definitely one. So that's stupid. So it's a clear... But there's probably some fashionable ones like if you could be responsible for like the the tuxedo or the suit or the necktie or whatever you like to wear i don't wear any of those things well you like you like i mean you said you wanted to wear a suit every day i like uh i know i look good in a suit i don don't dislike wearing suits. Suits are fine. But the, I guess, I mean, I don't know.

It's Vibram shoes. The fuck is that? The finger shoes. Oh, my God. I think it would be. That would be. The worst? Yeah, I know.

People will hate you. Yeah, but it would be like, oh, that was. It gets a reaction. That was you? It elicits a reaction for sure. Those fucking, what? It was probably like, oh, that was you? That was me. Those fucking, what? It was probably like a half a summer when you were wearing those in the gym

because you thought it was a healthier way to do fucking box jumps and fucking clean impresses. That was me. The person who invented that was like the person who invented the atomic bomb. I was like, what have I done? I just wanted to make people healthy, and now I've created an asshole army of,

like a trendy asshole CrossFit nation. I feel like it would have I done? I just wanted to make people healthy, and now I've created an asshole army, like a trendy asshole CrossFit nation. I feel like it would almost be a badge of honor, where people would be like, oh, man, you fucking got me. I was working out at that time, so I had a pair. Oh, my God. You wore those? Oh, yeah. I would wear them like I was working out in an empty gym.

But yeah, all of those things I was just making fun of were just specific references yeah um it was like i was like wearing for box jumps i'm wearing for like squats and shit like that it was fucking like i feel like you know not all toes are kind of like the same but like they they fit in you want to know why they're good for workout culture you break a fucking sweat putting them on yeah every goddamn toe like twisted yeah put on a pair of fucking gloves ski boots or fucking hockey skates like after they're already sweaty it's it's impossible to put one of those things on so i i almost think it would be like uh the the response i would get for telling who i invented those to people from people who worn them would be like um like from a younger fraternity

brother to an older one who'd hazed them where It's like, man, like we're done. Like we're fucking tight now. That was fucked up. We went through that. But, you know, that was the bullshit you had there. I'll take the hoodie, bro. You can have your weird finger shoes. I'll take the fucking hoodie.

But, yeah, go to the Barstool Sports Store and get your T-shirts and your hoodies and shit. All right, last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Hydrant. It's important to be healthy these days. Everyone's washing hands. Everyone's watching what they do. You also got to make sure you're hydrated because what I have learned is that hydrating just cures everything. It's like, I don't know.

What's the cure for coronavirus? Just be hydrated. Make sure your body's running on top performance with plenty of fluids flowing through your body. And that's what drink hydrant can help you do. It can jumpstart your morning. It can keep you with energy throughout the day. It's going to get rid of your headaches, your energy slumps, and your poor focus

because when you're hydrated, all that goes away. Almost 75% of us are walking around chronically dehydrated, and so drinkhydrant.com is the best place to go to help you hydrate even better than, you know, your average glass of water. The formula was developed by Oxford scientists. It's backed by science, and it's a hydration mix that has four essential electrolytes. What are the four essential electrolytes, John? I'll give you a million dollars if you can get one. Lysine.

Nope. I'll give you three guesses. These are all like words you've heard of. I'll give you one more guess. All sport. I'll give you a hint. Banana. Potassium.

Yep. Salt. Potassium. Yup. Salt. Sodium. Yup. Old men wearing sunblock on their nose. Ah, you little bitch. Zinc. Yup.

And the last one, I don't have a clue for magnesium. What would be a clue for magnesium? I don't even know what magnesium is. I know. When someone tells me, I'm going to go, yeah, I knew that. That was good. Yeah. Those are the four essential electrolytes that help you hydrate your body quickly and stay hydrated all day.

And this packet of mix that you pour into your water, it provides all those electrolytes. So go to drinkhydrant.com, enter the promo code KFC, and get 25% off your first order. That's drinkhydrant.com, promo code KFC. Last one. Let's do it. What up? KFC. Bye.

Super producer BC. I was watching an episode of The Rundown and Kevin got up to smell a certain part of the office and he just has that distinct walk and there's only one other person I know or I've seen who walks like that and it's Zion.

Fuck yeah! If you guys were pro athletes you switch bodies for however long with a pro athlete like Zion, and you kept the same mentality, same personality, how long would you keep up their regimen? Would you go to games? Would you keep getting those contracts? Or would you immediately hit the couch, retire, and take the money and run?

This question starts one place and ends in a whole other. I'm going to be honest, too, real quick. I thought it was you and Zah. Zah instead of Zion? Yeah. Yeah. Those are two very different things. I thought you walked like a little person.

Although, I mean, you know, like stocky black guy. Yeah, I guess it is similar. Like, it's cool to be related to Zion. When you gave the fuck yeah, I was like, I like Zod too. I don't know if I want to walk like him. Well, even Zion. I actually do think I walk like Zod. Zod's a tiptoe walker.

I mean, you walk like a fucking fairy. I walk like a... Yeah, I just glide. That's why those calves are popping because you're always flexing your calf every single step. No, you don't glide. You bounce.

Whatever, you know what I mean. Those are total opposites. Yeah, yeah. You go up, down, up, down, up, down. Zion, I like being compared to Zion in any way physically, except the thing about Zion and why he's such a freak is he's kind of like this fat guy who's awesome at basketball. But if you take away the awesome at basketball, he's just a fat guy. So I just walk like a fat guy.

Nobody's ever told me anything about my walk. Do I walk a certain way? I've never noticed your walk no but i'm gonna watch your little little duck walk i doubt yeah my feet are definitely out but that's all i noticed my brother's all the way in i'm all the way out i'm actually self-conscious about the duck walk to the point that i have tried to like when i like sit on the couch and i kind of put my feet out i try to like tip them in i'm doing it right now under the table like trying to break in like a glove yeah yeah if i just stay this way i'm gonna tell you something that i've actually done before because it was a there was a phase where i was like actually so self-conscious about this one

time i took a shoelace and i like tied my feet together like tied them around so that i would pull them in and i was like i'm just gonna sit like this every night and like train my feet to like not go out i did it for like one like a minute. I was like, I'm just going to sit like this every night and train my feet to not go out. I did it for a minute. I was like, this is fucking ridiculous. But yeah, I don't want the duck, so I was like, let me just pull him in. You should tie a shoelace to the front of your two shoes.

Right, right. I mean, I definitely am conscious of it. I try to like, when I take, because if you stand, like I stand, if you have duck feet, I don't have it terrible, but I definitely have it. Your whole, like, everything looks weird like you have to stand when i look at our pictures i'm always like fuck john's like john stands right and i'm like out you gotta you gotta keep your feet like straight and then you look like you're just standing there otherwise

you look like a fucking you need standing lessons definitely standing lessons i definitely need like walking lessons it's just i mean i know what to do is just if you've ever tried to change your walk it's like i've definitely tried i just walked normal but i've definitely like there was a time where i thought it was like cool to have it like the fucking it's not bow like it's the i forget what the what the walk-in is so like i've also pigeon toes pigeon toe that's what it is oh it's definitely not cool it's not neither extremes cool i've definitely tried to try and walk like portnoy i guess yeah when i see him walk i didn't know who he was i wasn't trying to walk like dave port i was trying to walk like someone who walks a little tighter i mean if you have you gotta have those feet forward i think if you're out or in you look

like a weirdo yeah i guess i just but i'll just question um if you were an athlete would you continue to like work as hard as they do or just take the money and run? With my personality, I would definitely. I mean, I wouldn't take the money and run. I'd show up to practice and play games. I'm not doing the cryogenic chambers and the Tom Brady diet. It's a weird question because it's why I'd never be an athlete.

It's like you can't have that success without that. But if you were just gifted it, if you were just like. There are people who are gifted. There's the david wells of the world the middle of the road guys it's like i just do this right this is easy for me right this is this is what i do yeah i love those guys i'd rather be those guys than the talented guys oh 100 percent they're not the hard workers right well but there's also hard work but i also respect the guys who are like i'm not talented but i work so hard that I can be in this league. That's cool.

But I mean the good guys who. Yeah. The guys who are physically gifted, talented, God-given gifts, and then also go over the top. It's like, all right, man. I would be like, I would so, like the guys who are working really hard. First guy in the gym, last guy out. All the film, blah, blah, blah. And, but they're still not very good.

Right. That guy. I wouldn't ever say anything but i just look at him like look at me bro we're in this it's it's like when uh uh like laduka and hubs got an argument he was like yeah but you're sitting right here with me dude right you do all that shit we're on the same court bro i go home and eat mcdonald's whatever uh unrelated but sort of related i think i don't know if you saw this on Twitter, the greatest example, compliment, whatever, of LeBron's greatness. They said this how long LeBron's been dominating the league,

and it was a screenshot of him in his first video game. Oh, they did with Brady too. And a screenshot now. I mean, the new screenshot looks like it's a fucking picture of him. Yeah. And the old one's got the Tomb Raider box head polygon shape. That is a long run of success, man. I didn't see that one with LeBron, but I saw it with Brady.

He was an overall 51 in this first video. That's crazy. It makes sense too, though, right? It was like, yeah, this guy's not that good. He's a four-string quarterback. But yeah, LeBron, you're doing flip phones and playing PlayStation 2 or whatever now. Goddamn. All right, that's it for us.

I'll catch you guys next week on KC Radio. Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere give it in the light written on

the pages is the answer to a never ending story ah ah reading the stars Storytime Read the stars

Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be Sun and heat, there are secrets real I'm bold behind my clouds And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never-ending story Story Soaring high