KFC Radio - Tom Segura Returns + Dermot Mulroney || The Sexiest Man on the Planet has been Found

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Halloween costumes - Dipping our toe in the water with guys who dressed as Kourtney and Meghan Fox - Paulina Gretzkys friend is the sexiest man alive - Steve Buscemi is the man - Week 8 NFL Recap - Jacqed Up - The Blink 182 lyrics are actually WHAT - Top 5 Worst Halloween Candies - Video Voicemails: - jerking off in the shower - potcake puppy palace - mom's blessing -02:09:08 - Tom Segura on cars, Berts long balls, his awesome kid, Adriana Chechik and much more -03:11:34 - Dermot Mulroney on being Irish, New Girl, Friends and much more. Dermot's new movie Hard Luck Love Song will be available on PVOD on November 9th. Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It was me. I've been asking all the comics recently, like, why do you continue to do, like, Northfield, Illinois, or whatever, you know? It's a fucking surgeon's salary for one show. Okay. I'm happy you said that. Because everybody else, everybody else has said, like, for the love of the game. No. Like, I'm pretty sure it that because everybody else has said, like, for the love of the game. No. I'm pretty sure it's not that.

No. Are you ready for the last time? Are you ready for the last time? I just farted louder than I thought I was going to fart. I was looking to see if you saw it. I didn't see it. I heard it. Because you can't see farts. I didn't hear it.

I didn't hear it. I didn't see it. I thought it was going to be a sneaky fart. I'm just waiting to smell it. No, it's not. Please, I don't fucking smell like farts. Sometimes. You have cleared the studio out before, bro.

Like, one or two times. That means you have stinky farts. Oh, I've only, like, cleared out a room of humans a couple times. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Feidelberg and Clancy. We got Tom Segura on the show today. Big Tom. He's one of the guys.

What was that? Was he in a Native American tribe now? Like Tom Running Bull Segura. I don't know why. Big Tom. Chief Tom. We smoke on Peace Pipe with Tom. I don't know why I said it like that.

That was stupid. Big Tom. Guys, if that's his nickname or something, no one has ever called Tom Sparrow Big Tom. Never once. And they certainly haven't gone, Big Tom. Big Tom. I like it.

I think we're going to. Oh, yeah, we're going to make that stick? Yeah. Hey, all the Two Bears fans, call him Big Tom. Cave? Kind of like a more... You're going to tell me that Native Americans live in caves? Is that what you're going to do?

For sure. Native Americans definitely live in caves. They live in teepees. Well, they lived in both. I mean, I'm sure there was a cave here or there. Yeah, there was somebody who lived in caves. Everybody has lived... Cowboys lived in caves.

Sure. But that doesn't mean they lived in caves. Yeah, no, it does. Like humans. Do we live in caves? Because sometimes there are people living in caves but like that doesn't mean they lived in caves yeah no it does like humans like do we live in caves because sometimes there are people living in caves no you wouldn't say that about us that's a fair point they live in teepees i was my argument was gonna be if i slept on the street one night you say i sleep on the street and then i was like no you wouldn't you say i fell asleep on the street that right i wouldn't be like you're homeless like one time you fell asleep on the street yeah yeah you know you wouldn't be like, you're homeless. One time you fell asleep on the street. Yeah. Yeah, you got the best

of me on this one. You're dumb. You bested me this time, Kevin. Look at this, bro. Can you put the camera on? Is there... Is it possible to witness? One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven bottles. What is that? Are we just trying to destroy the earth? That's what I mean. I mean, it's out of hand. Like, we get... We get...

We get delivered pallets of water. Like, we get delivered pallets of water. Like, huge cases of, like, 12 packs of water all over. And that lasts us, like, 10 days. Yeah. It's very frustrating, actually. It's a lot. But body armor is all, like, biodegradable and shouldn't be safe for the environment.

It tastes great, so. I have two confessions to make. Perfect. I've mentioned this podcast that I've been listening to. 60 songs that define the 90s on The Ringer. Have we talked about it with you? Yeah, you mentioned it. I forget why you mentioned it, but you did.

The latest episode... No, just make the chips as loud as you can. Why don't you make them louder? Why don't you shake them louder? Why don't you just chew into the microphone? I think that was the first time ever someone's picked up a breakable

fragile thing and you shook it like it was a baby. You were like, this baby's not making enough noise. We're like four minutes into the show and then he starts to open the bag. Zach's also wearing a dangly earring, so it's

about time I hate crime him and say it looks ridiculous. Want to show the people? Can you just pop your head on camera? What is that? Oh, man. Is it just like a nondescript thing? Yeah. I will say if you're going to... Is it it's not even – is it pierced or no?

Do you have your ear pierced or no? No. It's a clip-on? I was going to. Oh, that looks like a feather. That's a feather. Oh, okay. Hell yeah.

I didn't appropriate the most culture in the last five minutes. We are doing Native Americans dirty right now. Big Tom and Running Zach. Yeah. All right. Nice. I wasn't the most offensive in the last five minutes. That's good.

Yeah, all right. Says the white man. I was going to say, we'll be the judge of that. That's our land, and it's not offensive. The only people who can wear dangly earrings is Michael Jordan and Barry Bonds. Now, dangly earrings are a big thing in the gay community. I'll teach you a thing or two. Yeah, yeah, but I'm not saying that they are not, but they should.

I'm going to straight-splain gay to you. They love dangly earrings. I think girls, MJ, Barry Bonds, probably Harry Styles and the like, some guys like that, but not Zach. Zach? Dangly earrings are a statement. Dangly earrings are a big thing. Can I show you my outfit from Saturday?

Yes. Oh, yeah. What did you wear, you little fucking... Let's go through... Let's go through everybody's costumes. While Zach is pulling it up, I'm going to say that I went out Saturday night and I didn't dress up.

And as I was walking the streets, I realized that there's no bigger difference in Instagram versus reality than Instagram. And like, no, I walked the streets. I walked like a mile to a bar, a mile home. So I walked the streets for 30 minutes total, 40 minutes total.

I didn't see one moderately good. And I was walking through the West Village. It was like everyone was dressed up. I didn't see one decent Instagram, one decent costume. Everyone was on, like, some shit they got

at Spirit. They waited in line for four hours. The lines at Spirit are nuts. Open a bag and just fucking pop it out. Everyone's just doing

just enough to not get yelled at, like it happens in the world. We're doing just enough to not get yelled at so, like, that 1% of people

who are crazy about it don't get mad. And then also If you're taking a costume If you're wearing a costume It has to work outside of a picture I feel like everyone's just like Okay here's my pose

That's how you know who I am Well it doesn't make any sense For everything else you're doing It doesn't make Joey Camasto is Gretchen Rose baby or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Lily Rose fucking Munchausen girl.

I was like, you're going to have to explain this. If you have a Halloween costume where you have to explain what it is every single time someone sets eyes on you, your costume stinks. Yeah. Even if it's awesome. Even if people go like, oh, oh, shit. But it doesn't matter. It sucks. Adam Rippin went really viral zach you know him

and uh rip on and yes and uh it was like it took forever to get because it was it took him four pictures to explain his costume it was like one with him in front of nicki minaj flag and then he had like big gold fucking testicles hanging out and then he saw a Vax card and it was like oh from Trinidad and it was like he's fucking yeah and like once it's all together good costume it took me four pictures and a little bit of thought to be like wow okay and like we

are plugged into the internet we know that story like the average person's not gonna know that Nick sucks that was viral on Twitter for like for like a day like that was barely even viral we just joked like for an afternoon. Actually, no. It was on Fox News. Fox News loves that stuff.

Oh, that's right. Anything anti-vax is going to get you on. I think Tucker Carlson talked about Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend in Trinidad and Tobago for three nights straight. Dude, that's what I love so much right now about the anti-vax movement. The entirety of the shut up and dribble crowd

now will die for Kyrie Irving. You know, like the crossovers where it's like, well, I don't like your skin. I don't like your people. I don't like anything about you. But now we're anti-vax together. Like, we'll ride for each other. Let Kyrie play.

Yes. It is so fucking funny watching those, like, just put their brains in a pretzel instantly where it's like, wait a minute. Okay. You know. Kyrie speak a lot of truth here. Let's go, Brandon. Okay. Let's like, wait a minute. Okay, you know. Clary's speaking a lot of truth here. Let's go, Brandon. Okay, let's go, Brandon.

Yeah, let's do it. All right, show me this, you little slut. I regret after looking at the picture. I can't believe you're doing this. Yeah, I'm happy you're doing this. Good for the show. But I can't believe you're doing this. I don't even want Kevin.

Turn it over. I really don't even want Kevin to look at this. Turn it over. Kevin's just going to. You got a crush on me? Like a fucking doctor on his knee checking reflexes, Kevin's just going to yell the F word. No, this is not so bad.

Do you have pants on? Barely. From top, I mean, your belly button, the distance between your belly button and your dick is, like, a lot. Your dick is barely being covered. But that's a gay costume. It's a net shirt. Yeah, it's a net shirt yeah it's a mesh shirt oh you let him out

you let the cake out let's bring it over here don't go through the camera roll please you can't really see it are you saying the shorts I'm going through the camera all in a sense

is it a costume or just dressed up I'm just seeing I just kinda I just didn't really I was like I want to see how many bad pictures you took

that was my extremely drunk friend you look like a lesbian in that one I know I do so when I went I asked one of you look like

are you from the Dallas Buyers Club in this picture you look like you look like a little Somalia baby. He hasn't eaten in days. Look at those little chicken arms. Holy moly.

Are you a starving gay man? Zach, why don't you delete all these really bad pictures of you? I just haven't deleted them. Thank you. Can I have my phone back? I'm very nervous about what you're going to go through. No, I'm looking through the bottom. I can see where I'm going and where I'm not.

I'll see your dick at the bottom. Don't worry. Yeah, I'll see it in a small depression. Give me the phone back, please. God, I'm sweating. You are a brave man. Turning your phone over to anybody. The moment when someone else is holding your phone is extremely nerve-wracking.

The moment when you turn your phone over to look through the pictures is even crazier. I actually, because I don't have anything in my phone so when I hand my phone to people now I just go whatever yeah

but that's not for me that's like for them like don't worry don't worry there's nothing I don't think I have anything what were you Pabst oh I almost got these

oh I was a doctor you were a doctor yeah I just my friend had an extra cost and more of that and then you were late to go the next morning

yeah the next morning I'm walking home and I'm walking by like actual doctors, absolute shit. And they're just shaking. You're in like scrubs and a jacket. A clearly fake like costume. He's in a real deal and they're just shaking. They're like, we need help in operating room three.

God damn it. Tom Segura makes fucking my entire salary in one night. I TV TV. God damn it, Tom Segura makes my entire salary in one night. TV! TV! I also want credit for... The camera cutting was phenomenal. I want credit for doing my job. I didn't think about it at all. You just threw on cat ears?

No, I just did a biker t-shirt. Well, I was going to be just a slut. And then... I'm done! She was a little cold. Jackie had to throw on some extra layers. It is funny that...

What was your first costume idea? Just a slut. What you told me last week. Oh! Well, because it was easy. Two girls, one cup. It was going to be two girls, one cup. And it was just going to be me and my friend.

And we were just going to carry around a cup. And we were just going to be girls. First of all, you've been indoctrinated into KFC radio. If you do a two girls, one cup costume... If you had it filled with chocolate ice cream, that would be... That would be unbelievable. Primo.

Well, then this was my genius idea. Also, it's tougher when you get split up. You know what I mean? I know. What are you? I'm a girl with a cup of shit. But then I was thinking that it could be a fun little game because then I was going to get all my friends.

We were going to do... Okay, this camera cutting is not the best. But then we were going to do... Like, is not the best but then we were gonna do like I was saying we were all gonna be sluts yeah we were all gonna be sluts but then we all bring one cup

and then like you fill the cup with the drink that the next person has to drink and then they have to finish it and then you finish it so it's like a drinking game too

oh it's a great pandemic game yeah everybody share cups. That is such a fucking low-hanging fruit. We're all vaccinated, dude.

We're all hanging out. If we're going to get it, we're going to get it anyway. You and your friends could do... You don't have to do it. What would the slut entail? Describe it vividly for the listeners. We're going to need a thumbnail for the video, so you're going to dress up tomorrow?

What do you think it is? Love that shirt. Yeah, but if someone said to you, what are you, were you going to be like, I'm a slut? Well, I was going to do all black and then be like... Because I think Zach was just a slut too. You can tell

when people are just like, I'm wearing silver, bright booty shorts and my tits are out. And then no one's even going to ask who are you. They're just like, you, you know. Halloween's the one day a year where girls can just dress like slutty and it's okay. So that's your, it's not a costume, but it's just like I dressed up as a hoe. Yeah. And then it's like, that's the one time I can do it without you guys fucking freaking out about it.

Well, you just call me a hoe. Right, right, right, right. Nick, did you have anything? Nope. Nothing. Didn't leave my house. Didn't leave my house. That's my kind of guy.

That's my boy. I was, did you dress up? No. What are you doing wearing jeans? You're not a jeans guy, are you?

I don't know. We're jeans all the time. Just like a plain blue jeans guy? No way. Bro, these are just blue Levi's That you don't do You've done like I got them because they are so like

Are they rolled up right? Yeah, yeah I got them because they're so like Basic I was like, you know what? They have like those Copper buttons Yeah

This is a Halloween costume Dude, this is like If I don't wear blue jeans It's like a fucking Halloween costume These are jeans that like Brett Favre Yes, yes Are they Levi's?

Yeah. I was going to say they could be Wranglers. Wranglers, yeah, yeah. They could be Wranglers. But they're just, these are just straight up, like,

when you fucking, when someone invented the idea of jeans, this is exactly. Blue dungarees. Yeah, yeah, I'm not wearing jeans, I'm wearing dungarees.

What were you? Did you show something? No, no, no. What would you have been? Like, if you had like, could snap your fingers and just be something and, like, nailed it. No time. Money's not an issue.

Time's not an issue. All that shit. It's one of those things where it's not. There's nothing you can be. You might as well mail it in because even if you're most creative, there's someone else on the part. I know. But when you get it good, it's pretty good, you know?

I think memes are good. I think if you're going to be something that goes... Oh, did you see the guy who dressed up? Was it Hard Factor guy? Or did he retweet it?

The big black dick guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just had like something dangling. Yeah.

But even that is like... Well, that works for the pic, I guess. You know? I guess when you go out... But you also can just like squat down real quick

and do it. You're like, what am I? You know? I saw our girl, Mary Beth Beth Barone did Kravis with – she was Travis Barker and her gay friend was – Oh, I did see that. It was Courtney. And then the other – like a couple – another of her friends.

The guys were the girls and the girls were the guys. Yeah, yeah. But they nailed it, dude. Like guys were the girls and the girls were the guys. But they nailed it, dude. Go to the first picture. If that dude doesn't have chest hair, he's fucking hot. I'll fuck that girl. Their pictures, I was scrolling through. I was like, yo.

I didn't even know what was going on at first. Bro, I saw this picture. Did you not know what was going on? I just realized. Right? That's what I'm saying? I just realized. Yeah. Right? That's what I'm saying. I saw that, and I was like, I'm realizing it and still not caring. Go one more picture over. Can you not?

Wait, no, one more then, maybe. That guy who's playing Megan Fox has, like, hips and an ass that I'm like, yo, look at that curve. Oh, okay, yeah. He's more like, he's, like, yo, look at that curve. Oh, okay, yeah. He's more like he's like, you know, clearly a guy. But like that see-through dress with the thong. Who's that dude? That is. That dude might be a good like dip your toe in the water.

He is, I believe, her podcast host. Co-host. I think they have a, yeah, Benny drama. Like, this guy is fucking beautiful. Well. Look at that guy. He is, you're giving Timothy Chalamet a run for his money. I don't know about that.

Fucking hold the phone. By the way, did you see I liked Dune? You did? Yeah, I really liked it. Stunning. Yeah. Stunning. It was, I was very surprised.

Did you know what it was about? The first 20 minutes, I was like,. Stunning. Yeah. Stunning. I was very surprised. Did you know what it was about? The first 20 minutes, I was like, I'm going to fucking hate this movie because it was so much like house, Ika something, it's a rock us, and harvesting spice for intergalactic space travel. I was like, who gives a shit? But I thought they did a good job of like- It was quick. Yeah.

It's just really important. You don't need to know what it is or why. It lets you travel through space. You need it. And then after that, it got awesome. I loved it. Yeah. I thought this is really important. You don't need to know what it is or why. It lets you travel through space. You need it. And then after that, it got awesome. I loved it. I thought it was really good, too. It was very much like a...

The one critique that people had that didn't like it was that nothing happened. I disagree. Totally. Because what I just said, they were like, here's what's going on. The people who own it, oh, wait a minute, no, they don't. Oh, this empire fell. Oh, this person's dead. All of a sudden, it was like 30, 40 minutes in, and they had set the

stage for everything and killed a bunch of people, and it was like almost too much is happening. Yeah, I was going, oh, man, they're going to kill this guy too, aren't they? Right, right. It's like all your favorite stars and shit are gone. I was like, oh, fuck. I didn't understand why the invaders waited until the thing was basically already over to use that weapon that just was a

$10,000 bomb. That would just fucking wipe you out. Why don't you just start with that one? Yeah, that seemed like you played that card a little too late. But Timothy Chalamet, great looking guy. That guy though, Benny Drama, I think is what his Instagram was. He's pretty fucking sexy too. Got that jawline. The word sexy has been redefined this weekend. Yeah.

Let me tell you who's... When you see this fella, you're gonna say he is so fucking good looking I need mental help I need to get help because I thought

I was a good looking person and now I realize I'm not I thought I was ugly I thought I was straight yeah sure that too he's gonna make you

question your sexuality he's gonna make you question like your thoughts on how good looking you are all the therapists we're gonna send the better help

all the patients we're gonna to send to BetterHelp, the therapist is going to have such an easy job right now because it's just going to be like, are you considered gay? And then you go, ah. There you go. There it is. This guy that we're about to show you is going to make you come out to your therapist like in a heartbeat. Go to BetterHelp.com

if you need any help. It is sad boy season. You're probably going to need it. You might be wondering. Like John said, when seasonal affective disorder and regular depression combine to make a storm, the likes of which we have not seen

since Thanos' snap in sad boy season. So you're going to need all the help you can get, and you don't want to have to go find a doctor's office and wait in the waiting room and they have all the rooms with the little sound machines

so they can't hear you. But then someone's going to come out, you're going to make eye contact, you're going to be like, oh, you've got issues too. You've been crying and it's like, oh, I heard you through the wall, you came out. You don't want any of that stuff. You want to do it on your own at home. And you want to do it on your own at home. And you want to do it over the phone or over FaceTime or just good old-fashioned text message too. BetterHelp is mental health help in the 21st century where you can do it using technology.

So BetterHelp, it's all online therapy, offering video, audio, or text message. That is the same level of that is the same level of help, the same level of discreet privacy. And right now, the best part is you can get that first month for the low, low price of 10% off. So 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash KFC, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash KFC. Get online therapy right now because it is sad boy season. Don't do, don't do, don't just drink alone in a dark bar.

I mean, do that, but then talk about it. Don't just get drunk on solitude. I mean, do that, but then talk about it. BetterHelp.com slash KFC. So this picture was from Paulina Gretzky. She's up there with DJ and what looks to be like someone else who is hot with his wife or girlfriend who she's sexy as well. Oh, I don't think that you're allowed to call anyone else in this picture hot. I think no one else in this picture, including Paulina Gretzky, even really looks that good.

Great. Go to the other girl. What's her name? It's like Kim something Chanko. Yeah, this one right here. Yes. Let me see some pictures of her. What's her name? It's like Kim something Chanko. Yes. Let me see some pictures of her. This is Paulina Gretzky's

friend who is, you know, very attractive in her own right. And and her husband or boyfriend looks like, you know, the type of guy who you would dip your toe in the water also.

Right. He's all right. And then producer Barstool. And of course. And of course, Donald Dustin Johnson's in the picture you know professional athlete good looking fella donald trump's in it whatever and then this guy jeremy cohen i don't have to see his name i know it i had dreams about it last night wow this this guy no i know my favorite picture of Jeremy Cohen. It's there, no, go up, top right. This rocket launcher.

That man is a weapon of mass destruction. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, look at his eyes. Zoom in on his eyes so I can sit here and come. I'm not kidding. That guy. Look at that guy. That guy is, I'm ready to call it, the best looking person to have ever lived.

That is the sexiest thing on the planet. Male, female, ever. Ever. To ever walk the earth. Look at him. Oh! Oh! That guy.

Oh my god. That guy better have something horribly wrong with him. His dick better be misfigured like fucking Harvey Weinstein. He better have like a screw loose. He better be crazy. He better be. I mean, come on. Look at the perfect scruff.

The way that that kind of salt and pepper, but more, oh, let's get some more up here. Bro, look at his. Let's objectify this fucking guy some more. Oh, wait, go back. Go bottom right. Oh my God. Get the fuck out of here, dude.

What do you like better? The little swoopy curly thing or when he does the hair up? The swoopy curly thing. Because the swoopy curly thing had people DMing him, being like, hey bro, how do you do your hair? And he replied genuinely with, he replied something like, hi, I don't do anything

crazy, I just let my hair dry naturally and I don't run my hair. Basically, I don't touch it. I let God do what was intended. John had said, and John tweeted, like this guy, I'm going to call the police on this dude on the left for being too hot. This dude, Adam Stephen Paul. I was astonished by him.

Asked him what he does for his hair. A legal level attractiveness response. Hi, I let my hair dry naturally. I don't run my hands through it a lot, so it keeps my natural wave. And spray a flexible hairspray in it. Nothing crazy. That also, he's right. There's nothing crazy because it's like, you know,

it's crazy as you were born this way yeah dude it is and I like someone replied to him like weird dude who cares and someone replied

to that guy a different person he goes I do I've been thinking about it all my life yeah I want to look like this

go back that's toxic masculinity right there oh no surprise it's from someone with no profile picture that's toxic masculinity if you see a hot guy

ask that dude how you see a hot guy, ask that dude how you being so hot. Ladies do it all the time. They go, girl, would you get this dress? Would you get that? Oh,

who does your hair? What makeup is that? Fucking ass dudes, how'd you get so hot? And then work to get that hot. Especially like if you've got similar... I can't decide

what temperature I am. Continue, sorry. If you've got similar hair, similar look, but you're not like, you know, similar in the sense of like, I don't know, I'm a white guy with like wavy hair. I want to look like that. Teach me how to be like you. Can I make a confession? Oh, God. And it didn't work because no one said anything.

I tried to do my hair like him today. I did it like... You kind of got the... Yeah, I know I kind of got it, but I don't got it enough for anyone to bring it up. Nope. No, you didn't. Can I make...

I was like, I'm going to let it dry naturally. I'm not going to wave my hands through it. And I'm going to get a flexible hairspray. Dude, let me tell you something. Okay, by the way, now I'm excited. I'm going to get a flexible hairspray. Dude, let me tell you something. Okay, by the way, now I've decided I'm hot. Now I'm uncomfortable. The thought that you woke

up this morning and said, I'm going to try to look like Jeremy Cohen. That's like me if I went on the basketball court right now and I was like, I'm going to play like LeBron Fucking nuts that you tried to emulate him. I just I knew I wasn't gonna look like Hairline that's so obnoxious that hairline shit is so straight across it makes me want to fucking kill him

I want to kill this guy. I want you out. I'm gonna sew it to my own head Have you ever been so hot people want to murder you? Like, give me a fucking break. It is. Keep going. I want to see more pictures. This whole episode, we're just scrolling through pictures of Jeremy. Yo, yeah, yeah, Zach, keep it away. Go to his, go up to the, nope, down. It was a picture of him and his girl, right there.

No, I don't think, I think Jeremy's gay. Is that not his girl? I think Jeremy's gay. Oh, not his girl? I think Jeremy's gay. Oh, oh, is he? Is he? Jack goes, is he? I don't know for sure. I think...

I mean, that girl has been in a lot of his pictures, which could be like a friend. Yeah, that's Polina Greskin. I'm pretty sure they're best friends. That was Polina? Yeah. No, the blonde that we just put up? Right there, yeah. That's Polina Greskin.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I think he's with Polina all the time. Oh, well, then, you know, that's a shame. Okay, so then he is gay. I thought that was a different blonde who Oh, shit. Yeah, I think he's with Paul all the time. That's a shame. Okay, so then he is gay. I thought that was a different blonde who was his girlfriend. Well, I don't know. I was surprised at the amount of people. Is Jeremy going for the gays?

Look at that picture. That's a gay picture. Who didn't think he was gay last night. I looked at it and I was like, oh, he's too handsome to be homosexual. Heterosexual. I mean, heterosexual. That dude's... I'm not ready to give up just all good looking

people to the fucking gays not all of them but like gorgeous ones like that also you know what's crazy is that he dressed up like Game of Thrones

or whatever that was he was a Spartan Emperor he looked like a Disney prince come to life yeah yeah it was like it was like if someone a magician

was watching fucking Mulan I don't know I can't think of a movie with warriors. And they just snapped their finger and was like, make that Disney prince alive. He's a human now.

Yeah, this guy. Would you fuck this guy? Would I fuck you? But for real, if he showed up and was like, let's go. I don't know. His body's a little too skinny for me. I was going to say he's a little skinny. I didn't want to be like, you know,

like throwing stones here. Like, okay, skinny fashion. Oh, yeah, this guy is so gay. Come on. Come on. That's the gayest picture in history. Yo, I'm going to call

that cop on him for being too good looking. I am in no place to cast any stones, but that first picture I saw of him, I was like, hit the gym, bro.

A little fucking bird chest, you know was like, hit the gym, bro. Little fucking bird chest. Yeah, look at that. Come on. I like my man with a little meat on their bones. Yeah, man. You got no hips on you. What am I going to hold on to, bro? While you're on my face.

Yeah, but Jesus Christ. Just redefining, raising the bar of a good looking and then that's what the internet does guys girls whatever everybody is just like oh it's halloween every day for this motherfucker it seems like yo can i tell you that it was halloween i felt like halloween was a fucking month long this year i just realized what i just described was a model what'd you say say? I said it's Halloween every day for this guy. This guy plays dress up all the time. What's he like good looking?

People like take pictures of him in different clothes? What's going on? What do you people pay him to wear their jackets and stuff? But I went to Jackets and stuff. Damn, man. Shit. But I went to his Instagram story because I was stalking this guy last night. Did you DM this guy?

Uh-huh. Did you DM this guy? I did not DM him. I should have. Oh, wait. Does he have kids? He's definitely hanging out with our kids. This right here.

This picture. Go back. That picture. This picture. So this is, he's at Mar-a-Lago yesterday, and he took a picture, or he reposted the picture, someone, I think that first girl, of two people, I can't tell who they are,

I don't know who they are, but this is one of the all-time villain dresses in the history of the world. It is someone, a woman at Mar-a-Lago. Hot blonde with a guy who looks like Bezos on her arm. She took the tax the rich dress that AOC wore to the Met Gala. She X'd out tax

and wrote marry the rich. That is I mean that's unbelievable. That's what I would have gone on as Halloween if I had the fucking idea to do it. That's a fucking great Halloween costume. Big time movie. That's what I would have gone on as for Halloween if I had the fucking idea to think of it. That's a fucking great Halloween costume. Big time movie.

That's fucking... That's honestly one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. You have no choice but to chip your cap on that. That is hilarious. Marry the Rich is so, so good. Like, when everyone else in the world is being like, no, I didn't marry him for his money. It's like, nah, I did.

She didn't even say, like, make your own money or get rich. It was marry him for his money. Marry the rich. Be a gold digger. Goodness gracious. Ah, to be rich, man. To be rich and good looking. Fuck. Could you imagine their night?

Like, they go out in Mar-a-Lago or whatever, and it's like, I'm, what are you probably You just call it Mar-a-Lago? What is it? Mar-a-Lago? Mar-a-Lago, whatever, and it's like, what are you for Halloween? You just call it Mar-a-Lago? What is it, Mar-a-Lago? Mar-a-Lago, Kevin. That's some bullshit. You can't say that. That is... This DJ, it's like, what are you for Halloween?

I'm exceptionally good-looking. What are you? I'm exceptionally fucking rich. What are you? I'm exceptionally good-looking, so I married the exceptionally rich guy. I mean, it's just rich white people at their fucking finest. Yeah, and Trump was just himself.

I mean, which is obvious. Yeah, Trump's like, I mean, kind of zoom, you know what I mean? But also, like, being yourself for Halloween is like a top tier legend. Steve Buscemi? Buscemi. People were yelling at me, like I took the fucking picture. Like, he doesn't even look like him. Like, well, first of all, it is him.

It was him, so it does look like him. I get it's a blurry picture. There was a picture of Steve Buscemi in Brooklyn handing out candy on his stoop, wearing his own meme how do you do, fellow kids. He had the red shirt, red jacket, red hat, the shirt that said music band,

and he had the fucking skateboard over his shoulder. And it's it's like yeah it's a blurry picture people are like that's not Steve Buscemi and it's like it just fucking is it's just fucking but you know what there are just two people in this world like I looked at that and I was just like I don't know that's Steve Buscemi

I just trust I mean maybe you're too trusting maybe whatever but it's like I don't know that's Steve Buscemi the people are like investigating it it's like it probably is because that's the fuckingcemi the people were like investigating it it's like it probably is because that's the fucking costume and the person who took it like five feet away from him

probably knows it was him it's just there's plenty of pictures it was just Steve Buscemi Buscemi's the fucking man can we get Steve Buscemi on the show I think we can

I think so too I think we can go to Brooklyn let's go to Brooklyn and be like we'll just bring our shit to you we'll bring a fucking ring light and a camera

let's go I followed up with just a reminder like Buscemi is such a legend that he's like a neighborhood staple where people just leave gifts on his stoop. But they're gifts that could be misconstrued as threats. For fun? Like every

day? Or for Halloween? I remember reading this article in GQ probably a year or two ago. And so I went back and found it to reply to that tweet. Because the tweet says he's in Park Slope. And I remember people talking about what a legend he is in Park Slope. And this article says, Buscemi has a whole three-story

brownstone to himself in Brooklyn's idyllic Park Slope neighborhood, which is basically Sesame Street if Muppets were gluten intolerant and wore fashion clogs. He moved back here in the early 90s, long before it became a punchline about yuppies. I live here, too, and can confirm he's a neighborhood institution. There's our famous park, there's our famous food co-op, and there's

Steve Buscemi. About a decade ago, a blog briefly existed that was devoted entirely to cataloging the miscellaneous items left out on the actor's doorstep. A disembodied doll head, a Van Morrison cassette tape, a hat with a fake ponytail attached, etc. Those are things that could, like, are you gonna kill me? Yeah, a hat with a fake ponytail attached, etc.

Those are things that could, like, are you going to kill me? Yeah, that seems like a sacrifice is going on. Steve Buscemi, legend. Awesome guy. Just like a good dude. The best. Like, if I could be one guy,

it might be Steve Buscemi. You know, like, that's the kind of, like, life you'd want to live. Become, oh, God, some of those pictures. Wanted to be Steve Buscemi now. Aging like a fine wine you are, Steve. Halloween, man, was, like, I felt like I had my kids, like, dressed up for, like, five straight days, dude.

When it falls on a Sunday, I feel like we started on, like, Thursday night. Yeah, for sure. And it was just, like, by the end of it, I think my kids were sick of it. Bro, I took my kids out trick-or-treating at 3 p.m. Sun was out. Nobody was out. People were rushing to get their candy. Oh, you're my first person. I'm like, yeah, no kidding.

It's lunchtime. I interrupted your sandwich and lemonade. But it was great because we wrapped up at like when everyone else started. And then the kids were giving out the candy. They liked almost doing it more than trick-or-treating. Because by the end, they were like, my wig is itching me. Your wig?

Shay wore. You didn't dress up? No, I did. So, well, half-assed. So we did Frozen for the third year in a row. Shay just always wants to be Elsa. And then Keegan falls in line. So, half-assed. So we did Frozen for the third year in a row. I just always wanted to be Elsa. And then Keegan falls in line, so we just do it. Exactly.

The 99% being whatever for the 1% who are obsessed with it. All right, I'll do whatever you want. 100%. So she's Elsa. He's Olaf. Caitlin was Anna. And I was Sven, who's the uh another horse like a reindeer i guess so i put on like antlers and like a nose so it's like easy for me like that's all it took like ah you look so silly

daddy i'm like yes rather than like oh that's it they were like they thought it was cool so um dude keegan is walking around in and like this kid is so he is fucking objectively like even if you don't give a shit about kids he's a fucking cute kid. I mean just like look at that fucking kid you know? So he's got this Olaf. You're so old now Jesus. Yeah no man so that like thing you can see is like padded

it's like a pillow almost underneath. So he's got his like Olaf hat on it's like cocked to the side and he's got this Olaf hat on. It's cocked to the side. And he's got this fat pillow in his belly. First of all, every house we walk. Do you think this one's going to have a doorbell? Every house.

Do you think there will be a doorbell on this one, Dad? Dad, I bet this one's going to have a doorbell. Every house. I was like, I think they're all going to have doorbells, Keegan. And he walked up these three steps, rings the doorbell, gets the candy. He comes back down, and I don't know what happened, but he tumbled down this

flight of stairs, and it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't know how, because he can't see, and he just slips, and he put his arms up like he was doing a cartwheel, and he just barrel rolls down these flight of steps. And I kind of grab him him and I was like, here we go. Like, lips split, like

Halloween's over. It was like the second house. And Shay starts crying. If anything ever happens to Keegan, she starts crying because she's afraid her brother's going to get hurt. And Keegan just pops up and dusts himself off. And he was like, whoa, I just fell down those steps. And it was just

like, I mean, it was one of the funniest little family moments we we were howling he was like and just the fact that he was fine i mean it was so fucking funny but yeah i was like man no houses are like doing like trick-or-treating there's no kids out here it's like it's the real what are we doing because it was like by the end we had done two parades we had done dress up at school they were wearing it's the real one. What are we doing? Because it was like by the end, we had done two parades. We had done dress up at school. They were wearing it around the house the whole time. I was like, enough of this goddamn shit.

It makes sense. Halloween is tough. I think it's Thursdays. Halloween is tough. People, it definitely has become like the kind of trope about girls' birthday weeks. Like Halloween has become a month long. A whole thing, yeah. For adults, it's bigger.

Usually for the kids, they get, like, maybe a day at school and then, like, one night. Because it fell on a Sunday, like, the kids got it a lot this time. But for adults, it's usually, like, multiple weekends. Why? When Halloween falls on a weekend, the people who did it last weekend are crazy. Dude, that's... Like, if it falls on a Wednesday, I get it. Are you doing before or are you doing after?

But when it's on Sunday, that means you do it Saturday night and then maybe Sunday. But you don't do it like the previous Friday. I'll give you the full weekend. You can do Friday night too. Sure, sure. But you can't do like the previous Friday. That's crazy town. How about your boy's pumpkin?

Very nice pumpkin you had there. Fucking crushed it. What did you think of my pumpkin, Jackie? That was pretty good that was an impressive fucking pumpkin was it the witch one? yeah yeah

like if I told you this weekend there was a little bit of like oh what are you going to say you dumb bitch you could have smoothed it out a little bit more what? nothing what did you say? no say it I couldn't hear you

I just said you could have smoothed it out a little bit more if you were like really there was also the stray line you started to cut in the wrong place maybe yeah I think I know what no that's her hair yeah but like

her hair never really ends I thought but up top the pumpkin fell so let me tell you something I did the pumpkin and yeah listen

it's not fucking perfect okay wait this is obviously this is traced right no this is freehand yeah you can they make

it's in a book and then it's like really thin paper that you make it wet and then it like smooths onto the pumpkin this is actually better than I remember it yeah it's fucking awesome is what it it's like really thin paper that you make it wet and then it like smooths onto the pumpkin this is actually better than I remember it

yeah it's fucking awesome is what it is but then so we go back up right where like that sticker is you see that that stray line that is because

the pumpkin broke where it says 31 oh yeah so the pumpkin just rolled off of the table and it like thumped and made

like a smushy pumpkin sound and I swear to god if it broke like CPS is coming I was gonna I was to beat everybody in sight. I was going. Because let me tell you something.

When you have kids, like little kids, and they're old enough to want a pumpkin but not old enough to do one, you just fucking end up carving a pumpkin while they play. So I'm like, I'm cleaning out the guts, and they're like, ooh, I don't want to do that. So then they're on the fucking swings while I'm cutting a goddamn fucking witch into a pumpkin. My hands are still crippled right now. Like my hands are sore from cutting every last little fucking detail in there.

And then they're like, are you done yet? Shut up. No, I'm not done yet. I gotta finish the fucking cat that's on the bottom. There's a little cat face there. It's supposed to be a cat face. It does not come out as a cat face. I was gonna ask you about that, but I left it alone. That's supposed to be her hand on top of, like, a

cat head. So the hand fell apart, because there was, like, little fingers, and then the fingers fell off, so it just was, like, a hole. But, um, but I swear to God, man, I rolled up to that pumpkin contest, and I was like, this is pretty good. These other pumpkins kind of suck compared to mine,

but then there was the guy who did Jaws, and I was like, I don't want to be a cheater, motherfucker. There was also a gay pumpkin that was blue. They painted a rainbow on it, and then the light hit it, so it looked like all the lights lit up. This is literally the gayest pumpkin I've ever seen. I guess aside from that pumpkin where it looks like he's spreading his asshole. That's the gayest pumpkin

of all time, if you know what I'm talking about. But man, Halloween is like... And my kids don't even eat all the candy. They just like M&M's. Shay got M&M's for every single house. She was like, thank you. Girl must have walked away with like a thousand M&M's. Literally probably had like 200 M&M's last Shay got M&M's for every single house. She was like, thank you. Girl must have walked away with like a thousand M&M's. That's much.

Literally probably had like two hundred M&M's last night and the night before. It was crazy. So, yeah. Did you have any like bad houses? They're like, what the hell, daddy? It's an apple or whatever. No. No.

One house was giving Oreos, which was great. Keegan just stuffed an Oreo in his face. I was like happy with that one. Like giving away single Oreos? which was great. Keegan just stuffed an Oreo in his face. I was happy with that one. Like giving away single Oreos? It was like a pack of two. Do you have the fear that kids are poisoning our kids? It's the most nonsensical thing. Parents who go through their children's candy, give me a break.

Like, get off your high horse. You think that you're getting poisoned? Your kid's so special it's going to be sought out to poison? How about the people who say that, like, watch out. They might be giving out the edibles. Right. Like, people are going to waste their drugs on your kids? People are going to willingly give away Sour Patch Kids that can get you high

for, like, some, you know, dastardly prank that you don't even get credit for. You know what I mean? You don't know what house it was. No, no fucking idea. That is insane. I think, like, one time in, like, the 80s, somebody, like, accidentally dropped something into a fucking bucket, you know? And then the kid ate, like, a fucking needle or some shit. That's what my grandmother is well known for in our family.

So like she ran out of candy or whatever. So she was like, Pete, like her husband, like go get some like soda or something, whatever. So she went like, she went to grab like a soda and put it in like, it was like, I don't know, a pack of a couple of them. It was beer. Put it in. Like parents came back later that night and were like, uh, I think you gave us beer for our kid.

Pretty awesome. Yeah. Pretty awesome though. I mean, being the good house on beer for our kid. Pretty awesome. Yeah. Pretty awesome, though. I mean, being the good house on the block, shout out Clem. He does full-size candy bars. And I mean, you're the man. If you do that, you give out good candy. You build up a lot of equity with your neighborhood.

Yeah, you never get an egg. You never get an egg. Even year-round, though, you're not going to. If Clem calls the neighbors and says, hey, can you turn down the music a little bit? They're going to be like, that's the dude who gave us like full size candy bars all year. Like, that's like, this would be cool, you know? But yeah, nobody's poisoning kids on fucking Halloween.

Give me a fucking break. It's probably like somebody out there like, my son's dead. My son died because of Halloween. All right. We got the rest of the show to get into. We've obviously got top fives, voicemails. We've got Tom Segura on the show, a little double feature interview with Dermot Maroney.

But we got it's Tuesday. And so that means it's time for the best Tuesday afternoon NFL roundup. Misspelled. It's time to get jacked up with no U. J-A-C-Q-E-D. Jacked up! Week 8? Yeah. Week 8!

So are we not gonna change the spelling? Is that the spelling that we're going with? Well, here's the thing. So jacked up should be spelled J-A-C-Q-U-E-D. And we put out a whole line of stickers without a U. And so, guess what? That's one of those things where it's like, now it becomes that. It is.

Jacked Up, no U. Yeah. Okay. You know why? Because it's not about you. It's about me. It's about Jackie. It's about Jacked Up.

Yeah, there's no U in Jacked Up. Okay. But there is a jaw. Jaw feel me? Let's go. Three minutes on the clock. Okay, I'm going to try to do it with no notes. Wow.

Freestyle off the top. Jackie with no notes. She's going to let this shit rip. You're going to spit a freestyle right now. Off the top. Three minutes on the clock. Go. Okay, as always, we'll start with the Jets.

Any other week, I would be so excited for you. This week, I'm in a little Survivors League. Oh, no. And Jackie thought that the Bengals were a lock. Yeah, Jackie thought right though. Jackie got jacked up. Jackie thought well, though. That was a good pick.

I would have told you there's no way they're beating Joe Burrow and the Bengals. But Jackie thought, and Jackie thought wrong. Jackie thought wrong. Jackie was so disappointed. Jackie's out for the season. Yeah, so Jackie's out for the season. But I couldn't help but be a little proud of you guys. Mike White.

Mike White. Who the fuck's Mike White? Mike White, I'll tell you, bitch. Mike White told you who the fuck he was. And he is a good quarterback is what he was. Yep. He had three touchdowns. First of all, I actually don't know.

He has 400 yards, three touchdowns, two picks. Seven. Seven. Seven what? Of something. Seven yards for a 10-time. I don't know, like seven. What could be seven?

I don't know, but seven something. Okay. All right. Seven something. Okay. But anyways, that was good. But the Bengals have... I don't really know.

Anyways. Okay. Jacked up. Next. Why didn't Joe Burrow play? Joe Burrow? Joe Burrow played. No. No. Who's the... Zach Wilson? No. The other one. The backup

quarterback. Joe Flacco. Because it's the Mike White era, bitch. Okay. Then I'll do Titans-Colts. Crazy game. Crazy. 31-31, tied up. And then at the end, there was a field goal, and the Titans won.

Wow. Yes. Yeah, you painted a picture there. Derrick Henry. That's the picture, bro. Derrick Henry. What happened to Derrick Henry? He got hurt

Yeah Oh, a lot of injuries Something about Somebody's knee Somebody's Something Yeah Okay, so

In week nine I don't know how I got hurt Just so you're aware I've started watching less football So I can hear Yes From you Dude, I didn't watch

So that's the pressure you have I fell asleep for the entire One o'clock yesterday Here's the thing. I don't know how I could physically give more. Jacked up. Let's go. Keep going.

Okay, okay, okay. Not the lambs. Not the lambs? Not the lambs. Not the lambs. The lions. Lions. Cool.

Tough day. Very tough day. Things did not go well for the lions. Things didn't go well for the lions. People thought that they were going to win. Like, this might be their first win, and it wasn't. Very tough day. Things did not go well for the Lions. Things didn't go well for the Lions. People thought that they were going to win, like this might be their first win, and it wasn't. It was not. It was almost a shutout, but then luckily it wasn't a shutout. Their defense, they have, no, they have the worst red zone defense in.

I'd be willing to guess that, yeah. The league. In the world. And then. My favorite is when she goes. She's like, gotta guess. what about the packers this week oh okay the packers oh okay once again it's actually like ridiculous they keep like i know this rule everybody knows this rule don't give him time on the clock and then every single time he gets time on the clock

and he... I actually don't know what that means. I'm going to be quiet on this one. Does it mean that you're just giving him time? I understand you're giving him time on the clock. Sounds like you don't. You literally said, I don't know what that means. So I don't know what it means.

So if we're running... The game's coming to an end, right? There's a couple minutes left. And I have the ball, say you're Aaron Rodgers. I should try to use as much of the clock as I can before I score that touchdown to go ahead. So that way, like, if I can score with only, like, two seconds on the clock and now it's your ball, I'm not giving you any time to operate. But a lot of times teams score with, like, a minute and a minute and a half. And it's like that's not a lot of time.

But for Aaron Rodgers, it is. So he gets the ball back after they score. Oh, okay. So you want to score a touchdown with as little time as possible. Like a minute? Too much time. Because you can go timeouts and then get out of bounds. Like a minute can be an eternity.

So you want to score with like 10 seconds max. Because if you leave time on the clock for Aaron Rodgers. That makes so much more sense. So much more sense. Okay. Don't give him time What did you think it was? I just thought

I just thought it was just like when he's in the pocket just like don't give him time to throw the ball. That's another thing too. Don't give him time. Yeah, exactly. Don't ever give him time.

That's always how people are like we found the blueprint to beat Tom Brady. Sack him. You gotta sack him. Yeah. What do you know, man? Blitz.

Blitz is when you try to tackle the quarterback. Okay, okay. You send like a lot of guys all the time. So why don't they just do that every time? Because it's like, then all your defense is going after the quarterback and no one's guarding like the receivers. And so you can like, if you get rid of the, if you blitz and don't get the quarterback, it's going to be an easy completion point.

Here's another thought that I have. Okay. And this is going to be like a really dumb, like I know that it's wrong, but an easy completion point. Here's another thought that I have. Okay. And this is going to be, like, really dumb. Like, I know that it's wrong, but I always think about this during basketball. I already regret this. It's going to sound like such a good. But everybody's had these thoughts before, so don't worry. What if you just, like, tickle them a little bit?

Nope, never mind. No one has that thought. Definitely has not had that before. What if they just tickle them a little bit? What if you just tickle who, Jackie? The quarterback? The running back? Like, hear me out.

Okay. Wait, are we on basketball or football right now? Okay, well, I actually think it's a better tactic for basketball because their hands are up, right? Yeah, you get them in the pits. And, like, their pits are out and you just Whatever but it's the same like you can use the ref would blow the whistle the W foul anything Tickling but then I thought 12 red. I don't think they would because you could fully tackle them like at least with basketball

It's like yeah, well right in football. Yeah, I'm basketball. I don't know you could do whatever you want tickling It's like nothing compared to like well here's the thing What do you think would happen if you you can do whatever you want tickling is like nothing compared to like well here's the thing what do you think would happen if you tickled a football player do you think you would like just fall to the ground and like drop the ball

yeah what are you the dumbest person alive yeah these are like grown men who are so strong they hold the football people come

and they like hack their arms and pull their fucking heads out and shit they don't drop the ball from that I know. But that's the whole thing

is nobody, like, it doesn't matter how strong you are. You're getting tickled. You cannot get over being tickled. I think tickling is hard. Basketball, you can't touch the other person

so that makes it difficult to tickle. Football, everyone's got the pans out and shit. They are so out there. But I don't know, like if John had a football and I like needed to get it off of him, me being rough with him,

I'm not strong enough. He would never fumble. But if I tickled him, I'd probably have a better bet getting the football from John if I tickled him. And here's what I was thinking is the tactic is

when the quarterback is going for the throw and he lifts his arm up, then that's exposed. Ah, shit. Oh, bitch. Look at this guy. He's going to get tackled by a fucking chair. All right.

I think it's a good idea. I like this for combat sports. Yeah. Or it could work with wrestling. I don't know what you're thinking. See? He was a little more flustered than had I. If I had just been like, give it to me, you would have been like, get the fuck off.

I got a shot. I got a shot. Yeah. See? Jackie. If you double team, like, that was just one. Double team. If I were to come up there and I were to grab it from him.

I mean. I just figured out fucking football. Dude, that was... First of all, you're a good tickler. Yeah, I wouldn't be a good tackler. I'm a good tickler.

Yeah, you dropped that football. If I had a teammate there who just swiped it... That was a tickling experience. You into it? I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. I'm not aroused, but I usually hate tickling more.

Do you want the room? Anything else? I think we'll leave it on that note. Jacked up! Jacked up! Get your stickers. If you are that note. Jacked up! Jacked up! Get your stickers. If you are part of the Jacked Up Army, show your support. Go get us some stickers from Jackie.

If we sell enough stickers, we can sell some merch, sell some t-shirts. So support your girl and go to the Barstool store and buy some Jacked Up. J-A-C-Q-E-D, Jacked Up. I have a confession. Barstool Confessions brought to you by Bird Dogs. Bird Dogs have new joggers out. Now, if you've been down with Bird Dogs, you know they've had the most comfortable shorts in the game for years because they do the built-in underwear that is like a soft, like satiny feeling to go with, to just, you know, go right with the shorts.

You don't have to have any boxers, anything on. You slide them on. It feels nice and comfortable. Now they've got joggers. So it's not just the shorts. Now they have pants. They have joggers with silky soft built-in underwear. Soft as fuck. So you just pop those pants on. Good to go.

Because, you know, there have been times where I want to wear boxer, sweatpants with no underwear. Has always been and will always be the most comfortable thing you can wear. Yeah. But the problem is twofold. One, you dicks out. Dicks out. And like, you know, you dicks out. The problem's threefold. Two of them are your penis.

Yeah. What, you didn't say the P? The P. The dripping? P, yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it dicks out yep but then also like if you have any drippage or any problems or anything

you don't have a line of defense correct that was my two things yeah yeah and that could be you know size of your penis

the whole thing sure yeah I mean what so the other day I uh you know I've been fighting this crusade

against the dress up parents when you drop your kids off at school which I'd obviously be a dress up parent yeah definitely and everyone would hate your fucking guts for sure I'd obviously be. A dress-up parent? Yeah, definitely. And everyone would hate your fucking guts. For sure. I know. I know. 100,000%

I do it for work. It's like, no, John does it to flex. I go home and put on sweatpants afterwards. But I'd be in fucking... I think Jerry tweeted like... Jersey! Jerry! He's blue-collar. He's like, what's with everyone at the airport dressing up? I'm like, bro,

when I go to the airport, I am stunting. I told Jerry, I said, watch out. These people are going to say we have jobs. Well, lo and behold, no, Jerry, I got a job that I got to go to. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you. The amount of responses I got from people being like, the one guy said, I prop up the economy and let you have a job like barstool by being dressed in the morning.

Said, I'm going to chop your head off with a fucking ass. Like that's that, that, that was the whole, like the, the, obviously it's a joke being like, I'm the, I'm superior as I'm sitting there like a scrub. That's why it was like a funny fucking bit, you know? But I, and I said, I'll tell you everything you need to know about parents, the people who dress up, meaning like normal, the normal parents would go, oh, fuck, I wish I could wear sweatpants. That's awesome, dude. That's like a normal reaction.

It's the people who go like, I have a job because I'm important. Like, yeah, you're a fucking asshole, dude. I just like to look good. I don't have a job and I'm not important. I just like to look sexy. So I rocked sweatpants, right? But I went the other day and I usually do the proper thing and I put on some underwear

because I don't want to be flopping in the wind and I forgot to do that and I fucking just had to put my hands in my hoodie pocket and like pull them down over my dick otherwise dick would have been out at the fucking drop off line with children so

but the bird dogs it's kind of like the best of both worlds. You slide them on, you're not wearing any underwear, but you are wearing underwear because they're built in and they're comfortable. They're selling fast. These are, like, flying off the shelves, so get them while you can. And they are still doing the Vortex Whistle football promo. So you want to throw on a comfortable pair of stylish joggers and also play catch with your friend. Have a catch that's like 200 yards apart. You go to Bird Dogs because they'll get you that vortex

straight from the old days with Nerf. Go to BirdDogs.com promo code KFC and bingo, bango, bongo, you get that football with your joggers, your pants, your shorts, everything Bird Dogs top to bottom. Birddogs.com, promo code KFC. I have two confessions. I never even got to the point. I said it earlier about I was listening to that podcast.

Remember that? Boy, this was just that whole segment was just me trying to get to that story about the 90s podcast. That was like an hour and a half. Wait, what just happened? That's crazy. I said, you know that podcast that I've been listening to? Yeah, you mentioned it. And then we did a podcast.

We did a whole other podcast and I never got to that point. What happened? What was the segue? I have podcast. That's when you mentioned it. And then we got Zach with the chips. That's what distracted us. Isn't it funny?

How one thing can sidetrack a whole podcast? Wow. Where is Zach? Zach literally ruined this podcast. Let's see if we can do this. So that one, I mentioned this podcast. We did chips. Chips went to Zach and his gay earring and his costume.

Which went to, like, let's see your costume. Jackie being a slut. Which led to you bringing up Hot Girls and just being slutty and hot for the Zach, we're recanting how You ruined this whole podcast.

We're literally tracing back to steps how you ruined this podcast. Oh yeah, I mean, everyone, everything. So this is on brand. I just said, like, oh, so I listened to this podcast about the 90s, and I was like, wait a minute, I already brought that up way long ago. So you interrupted that, which led to the whole podcast. So you brought out your chips, which distracted us, which brought up your earring, which brought up your slutty costume,

Jackie being slutty, costumes in general that brought up the hot guy. We did him for like 30 minutes. Then we came back back and I said like By the way, we forgot to mention the hot dude has a pet duck. Yes, the pet duck. He's like a real life Chandler and Joey. Someone replied just with a picture of me.

Actually, I retweeted because it was such a funny way to say what they said. It was such a dude's rock statement. It was just, dude's a legend, has a pet dog. As if that guy needed more reasons for girls to go like, oh, my God, you know? That led to me kind of being like Halloween. Dresses, the villain dress.

Right. Yep, we did the hot villain dress thing. I talked about how Halloween lasts forever. Talked about my kids for a little bit. Carving pumpkins. Pumpkin, the pumpkin contest. That got Jackie into Jacked Up because that got Jackie involved. That got us to talk in sports.

That got us to... I made it great. I don't know. You went to open a bag of pretzels and got me tickled. Yes. The butterfly effect. That is honestly podcasting in a nutshell, though, where it's like, if you didn't do that, we could have gone this way,

and I would have never tickled you. Who knows what comes of this podcast? There might be something weird that comes out of the tickling. If you didn't open those chips, that never would have happened. It's crazy. You're welcome. So anyway, listen to this podcast, the 60 songs that define the 90s. And a new episode came out about Blink-182.

Oh, hell yeah. They did What's My Age Again? And I had several, several moments of this podcast that made me go, wow. First of all, do you know what the 182 in Blink 182 stands for? I heard it was the hundred. I think this is a derby legend. I don't think it's true. But when I was growing up, when I was a kid,

I heard it was you blink every time you hear the word fuck, and there are 182 fucks in the movie Casino. It means absolutely nothing. Really? They had to change their name, and they just picked a number. That's ridiculous. Why would it be that? I don't know.

Is that Nick? You made an emotion out of me. You heard something like that? Oh, I'm sure there's like a bunch of. Yeah, I've heard the 182 fucks. I think I heard it though a different way. I think I heard fucking Pulp Fiction. You blink when you hear the word fuck?

Yeah. Like every time? I don't know about that part. I think that's why. And then like we went on to test it at like elementary school cafeteria. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Everyone's like

no one's playing it. Yeah. Apparently there was a band like I think in like overseas that was like getting big at the time so they needed to like

change their name and they just they're like there's no meaning to it. Which is kind of funny because it's like people are going to come up with that kind of shit

their whole life. So I don't think they've ever like confirmed nor denied it. But I think at one point one of them said like, yeah, it means something. They also like, I didn't realize how, like they once had the PP Poopoo Tour. I believe they're like company like holdings instead of being like Blink-182 LLC is like PP Poopoo LLC. And they were like, why? Yeah, the Poopoo PP Tour. And they were like, why? Yeah, the poo-poo pee-pee tour.

And they were like, why did you do this? And they were like, because it's fucking funny. They were like, because we love the ideas of our lawyers and our publicists being like, the pee-pee-poo-poo tour is, you know, damn it, the pee-pee-poo-poo tour is fucking falling apart, whatever. They were just as immature as humanly possible. But I had a moment.

I'll start with the lesser of two. And I tweeted about this. You might have already seen it. I have not. Did you know that the lyric is, I wore cologne to get the feeling right? Yes. I've been singing walk alone my entire life.

Oh, no. I definitely did. I walk alone to get that feeling right. It doesn't sound like War Cologne until you know it's War Cologne. It sounds like Walk Alone. I absolutely always thought War Cologne. There are some lyric sites that just say Walk Alone. Really?

Yeah, I mean, there's millions of memes and shit, so it's a thing. But I was like, my head exploded when I heard that. It makes much more sense to wear cologne. I thought he, I thought he like,

went on a walk alone. Yeah, like it does kind of work, but wearing cologne definitely makes, makes way more sense to get the feeling right for your,

your date. Well, did they talk about the confusion? He just briefly, he said the same thing. He was like, did you know the guy who does it, Rob Harvella, is great. And is he interviewing anyone on this? No, no, no. At the end, he does

an interview with another music writer. But yeah, turn that up real quick. It's the first lyric. When the first words start. You know what's going to happen is now I'm going to hear Walk Alone. Yes, yes. And when you hear it, when you sing it in your head.

Nah, I still see Walk Alone. Walk Alone is like, it changed my life forever. So next week we're going to do top five misheard lyrics. So we'll have plenty of time to think of it and learn it. Second thing that happened to me. Because I never listened to any of this music because I was growing up pretending to be a black kid. I was always listening to rap music.

I didn't know any of this shit. I love seeing your renaissance. Maybe I'll have a rap renaissance. Maybe. You're coming into my world. This is massive, baby. So I don't believe... I was an angsty white kid and I was proud of it.

Yeah, you were. I had an angsty white kid and I was proud of it. Yeah, yeah, you were. I had definitely heard this at some point. Maybe I had to have when they're just like talking on MTV or whatever. But I really feel like up until this moment, I had never heard this said out loud. And I had only seen it written down and I never said it or heard it. So I never got it. The take off your pants and jacket. I had only just like read it.

You just got it. And so, and he said it, but that was sitting on the podcast and he's like, take off your pants and jacket. And I just was like, what, what did he say?

And then I like rewound it. And I kind of like understood he was talking about the out. And I was like, Oh, Oh, it's not jacket. It's not Jacket. It's Jacket. 36 years it took me.

Get the fuck out of here. Because I don't think I had ever heard it. I'd only just read it and I just was like, I don't like Take Over. Take Over. Yeah. If you don't say it or think about it. That was a joke before the album, right?

Maybe. Like people said that? I think it's... Probably, because all of their song meanings and shit were like dumb jokes that were already out there. You know what I mean? I could see them picking a dumb joke

that's out there to be like, yeah, everyone says that joke, so we made it in our album. Fuck you. Maybe I can't remember exactly when. No, this is all... Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. 2001.

No. Take Off Your Pants and Jacket was 2001? Wow, I would have No. Take off your pants and jacket was 2001? Wow, I would have definitely said the 90s. Yeah, me too. So I recorded 2001. Wow. So how old was I? I was 13.

No. This was like then I had no shot. Because not only, if this was from the early 90s, mid 90s, I was listening to rap music. But by 2000, 2001, I was like only rap. That's like prime time for me. I can't even tell you a song off of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. That's like a rock show

and stuff like that. I don't even know what that means. Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show, she said no. So I do not know. But like, Enema of the State, I could have told you that album. I wouldn't have even known. I'm looking at the order right now. I actually, so Enema of the State, I could have told you that album. Like, I wouldn't have even like, no. Yeah, I'm looking at the order right now. I actually, so Enema of the State

is where I like, became a big Blink fan. I like Dude Ranch, but like, Enema of the State was. Do you know what Dude Ranch means? No. This wasn't confirmed,

but again, on the, he alluded to it. It's cum. Like, like Dude Ranch. Like you, like you make like a dressing. Like, oh, it's like, but it's Dude Ranch. It's cum. Like dude ranch. You make a dressing.

It's ranch, but it's dude ranch. It's cum. That is disgusting. To be like, yeah, I threw my dude ranch on her. It's so gross. But he was like, that's kind of like an urban legend. Seam and cum jizz.

It's my ranch. This is interesting. You're doing a hell of a promo. I know. I asked him to do an interview and he basically politely probably said, you know, fuck Barstool. He was like, I can't. The ringer wants me to limit my promotions. I'm like, what?

Everyone knows if you don't do a promo, you limit it. It's like, okay, dude. Sounds good. But man, take off your pants and jacket. I was like, I am fucking dumb. Blew my mind. The whole fucking podcast blew my mind. Also, they're just such a, like, I like them a lot more knowing they were like, they're

the only band, not the only band, but like, they didn't give a fuck about selling out. They wanted to make as many like popular hits for as many dumb kids out there who want to jerk off and pee and poop. And they were just like, we don't care at all. What's their live album? Because that's the one where they do jokes in between it. You know also Travis Barker? Oh, the Mark Thomas Travis show.

That was my favorite album. Travis Barker, I didn't realize, wasn't the drummer the whole time. He wasn't the drummer on Dammit. Really? He wasn't even in the band at that point. He came after the album that Dammit was on. The Mark, Tom, and Travis show. Wait, because the Mark, Tom, and Travis show,

I thought that had a lot of songs from Take Off My Pants and Jacket. The Enema Strikes Back, it's called, so it must have been after. But the... 2006, is it? That was... Mark Thomas' Trapper Show was my real... That was when I broke that CD. One of those old school...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got scratches on it and shit. Disgusting scratches, yeah. Mark Thomas' Trapper Show was... They are gonna, one day... I would bet that's still my most listened to album of all time. They're gonna reunite one day and it's gonna be monster, monster.

Oh, my God. Sense. So the first time they got together was after Travis, or got together again, was after Travis was in the plane crash. That caused them all to get together. They had broken up before. They had broken up. The plane crash happened. They all got back together and started being friendly again.

Within months, the band got back together. Tom and Mark have been split up, hating each other. Since Mark was diagnosed with cancer, they have reunited. And they've been real friendly, even talking to each other on social media. Travis is still out to do tons of music and shit. I think in the next year, they're coming back together. They won't make new music. They'll just play. No, they made an album again. They'll just do, they won't make new music. They'll just play.

No, I mean, they made an album again. They did Neighborhoods. Right, Neighborhoods was like, yeah. Because that brought in a lot of like everything else they'd gone and done. You get a little bit of the spacey shit from Tom. If they do, they should get back together. They should like do a concert or a tour and play the hits, obviously. And they should just make one like My Real Girlfriend type of pop punk song. Just one

fucking banger that has the little interlude with the little solo guitar. You know what I mean? They always have that one little breakdown. I would pay any of my money to go to a Blink-182 show. If they're doing a one-night reunion, I will be at that show.

That's a promise. They're just a good fucking time. And the fact that Travis Barker is becoming bigger than he personally has ever been. I don't know about Blink, but he's the man now. I feel like he could be like, you know, I'll put this together. I'll put the tour together. You guys just gotta show up. Yeah, when they

first came back, their reunion tour, it was the first concert I ever went to. Weezer couldn't make it because scheduling conflicts, but it was Blink, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco. So if they come back, they're just going to run that back, and at that, they just played all their hits. Yeah, they're not going to fuck around

with like, here's our unreleased shit from the fucking 90s. I mean, by now, Travis Barker could be like, we're bringing out Justin Bieber, you know what I mean? He's in now with Machine Gun Kelly, and I'm sure fucking, you know, he could put on a spectacle. Anyway, that was my Blink-182.

Oh, this is what it was like to grow up white. Okay. It was fucking fun, man. You were handed a silver spoon, and you said no thanks. I'll tell you what, I said, yes, sir, I'll have another, please. Top fives?

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You get them both, John. You get them both. Door C has both A and B. You can finance it and you get a 20% discount when you use promo code KFC. You started saying numbers in the first one, and I've never shut off like I just shut off. I did say door number A and door number B. I honestly, I couldn't. If it wasn't for your elation,

I would have been asleep for the next week. I don't even know what just happened, dude. I am broken. It is crazy. All because I said door number A? Bro, I just shut off. Your brain just like crossed wires? It came to the point where I was like,

oh fuck, I'm doing a podcast right now. You like time travel back to Zach's chips. You're like, where am I? That was crazy. I'm going to go to the doctor. That was crazy. I feel like I gave you like Alzheimer's on the spot. I just snapped.

I was like, when the fuck did I come to the office? You came out of a blackout. Dude, I did it yesterday. I was on the phone with my mom, and I was laying, when the fuck did I come to the office? You came out of a blackout. Dude, I did it yesterday. I was on the phone with my mom, and I was laying on the couch, and she had a question, and then there was like a 10-second pause. And I was like, did I answer that? And she said, what are you talking about? I was like, did I say out loud the thing?

Yeah, the thing. Because I was like, did I say out loud the thing? Yeah. The thing. Because I answered you. But now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think I answered you. What did she say? She's like, what are you talking about? No, you didn't say anything. You were silent. And I was like, oh, I very clearly answered you.

It's just I didn't say it out loud. I'm lying. I'm dying. I don't think people get it I'm dying enjoy what you have left of me it is not much longer I think all the time about like

when I see parents it's like jar that's not a jar I'm not doing it it's just happening I see like old people I see my parents I see just old people and I'm like

how am I going to make it to that like 40 more years 30 more years like i'm i'm i'm declining at a rapid rate at a incredibly rapid dangerous last i i unless this shit plateaus soon i'm dead in like a week and you have to start making so many changes and i'm not gonna to make those changes. Last night, I had a Halloween last night. I didn't even leave my – I went downstairs to get a pizza. But aside from that, I didn't leave my – To split it with all the people at your party? Fat fuck.

Dude, I actually tweeted it. I'll read what I – I know. I know. I read it. And I was like, this is not for effect. This is not exaggerated. This is just the menu. I left things off And I was like, this is not for effect, this is not exaggerated. This is just the menu.

I left things off, because other people would call me a liar. So yesterday I ate a shitload of candy. I had a bunch of Hi-Chews fucking... Hi-Chews are disgusting. They're not good. I got a ton of them, and I had to eat them. Of course. I started the day eating melted peanut butter cups.

I showed you the picture of that and Tom Segura, which we're talking about with Tom. Looked like fuck. But I woke up in eating melted peanut butter cups. I showed you the picture of that and Tom Segura, which we're talking about with Tom. But I just, I woke up in a melted mess. Threw the sheets right out. Brand new, like $300 sheets. Threw them. God. And literally, that was the first time.

They've been on my bed for three days. And then, wait, where's this thing? So start of the day eating candy. Then I got a pepperoni pizza and mozzarella sticks. Then I ordered a Wendy's spicy chicken. I left off my Dave's double bacon. Oh, no, that's a big boy burger. Fries, a Frosty.

Then I had Gatorade, which I have been drinking for a month. I finished it for the first time. Nick had this tweet where he said that he didn't realize he was going to get to the age where he has to cut Gatorade with water. Yes. And I just leave it in the fridge and I take hits of it. And I'm like, ah, yeah. So it took me a month to drink this blue Gatorade, but I finished the Gatorade. I had cookies, Tate's, sour cream and onion Pringles.

I said chips. Pringles. Ice cream. Not the Frosty. Different ice cream. And then I laid down in bed and I was like, what the fuck? I have heartburn. And as I was laying there, I realized that getting older is just living your life

and then when you get a minute wondering why living your life is ruining your life. Like you just live it how you want to live it. And then it's like, wait, why does my back hurt? It's like, because you just fucking did this thing. Because I fell asleep on the couch for three hours. Yes, yes.

Because why'd you do that? Because I wanted to. Right. It is, like, it is. The consequences are the problem. Consequences, you don't realize, this is actually, like, an important thing that I realized, like, this weekend.

Like, you don't realize how consequence-free you live your whole life yeah and i'm not talking like directly like i drank so i'm hungover it's like yes of course those are consequences but like the big picture things where it's like you cannot continue to live this way because it will like end your life it will be a drastic problem and or kill you yeah i get it you can't you can't eat that way you can't like go out you can't you know like where where it's like if you're lucky enough uh to live this way when you grow up like you you truly truly don't worry about a thing again very small indirect things like if i

do this crazy thing i might like break my ankle yes yes but overall you can go where you want do what you want say what you want eat what you want drink what you want fuck what you want go to what school get what job like whatever and it does not matter if it goes well if it goes poorly like you'll be fine and then eventually you reach a point where you're like i have to stop this because it's not gonna work and it's like oh i don't want to i don't want to stop that, I don't want to stop anything. I enjoy not having to answer to anything ever. Right. Oh, it sucks. It's brutal.

I mean, you're kind of speaking directly to me there for a little bit. No, I'm talking about myself, bro. I'm speaking, you know, man in the mirror right here, but that's the thing. It's all of us. Dude, I just had it with drinking. Bro, I, with drinking, I drank. I started drinking at, like, 15, and you know how, like, sometimes you take too much edibles, and you're yeah. Bro, I, with drinking, I drank. I started drinking at like 15.

And you know how like sometimes you take too much edibles and you're like, whoa, I can never do that again? Yeah. I took too much edibles every time I drank. For like 15 years, right? For 20 years. I never stopped. And then someone was like, dude, you have to stop.

Right. I'm like, oh. Ah, do I really? So just drink a regular amount and I'll be fine? Like, yeah. Just drink a regular amount. Like, oh. Ah, do I really? So just drink a regular amount and I'll be fine? Like, yeah. Just drink a regular amount. Like, oh. Okay.

All right, fine. I'll do that. It's funny. I mean, how little we want to change, like, anything, you know? Yeah, it wasn't like you can never have fun again. It was like, just drink. And I was like, all right, fine. Like, you basically have to go on, like, a life diet. But the diet's really not that hard.

Just have one piece of cake instead of the whole thing. And it's like, do I have to? But man, there's a long time where you can just eat the whole cake. And it doesn't affect you. Just the entire fucking thing. Entire confection. And it doesn't fucking matter. That's life. That's adulthood.

That's really people, when you become an adult, is it a number thing? Is it a marriage thing? when you have kids, whatever? I don't think it's any of that. I think it's when you realize that you can't live how you want to live because there are consequences. And I think that sounds silly and like juvenile and like, yeah, duh. But the first moment you put that into play is when you become an adult. When you realize living your life is ruining your life. Yes! That's it.

And that's why people kill themselves. Alright. Top fives. Brought to you by Gage Diamonds. Like I said, go to... That was all part of a... Go to... Gagediamonds.com. That was one of the greatest ad reads of all time. Gagediamonds.com. That was one of the greatest ad reads of all time.

GageDiamonds.com slash KFC. That was an existential crisis. Intervention and an existential crisis in the middle of an ad read, which then both of those things, the intervention and existential crisis met in the middle to be a suicide pact. That was an ad read.

What, Nick? We might have to edit that one. I don't know what to do. Some of my favorite podcasts, some of my favorite shows, they change the mics, they put on music, the person changes. You know immediately when an ad comes.

Click 15 seconds three or four times, your ad read's done. I was doing the ad read. I didn't realize we were doing the ad read. I didn't realize until we came out. I was like, GageDiamonds.com. Not only do we have an intervention and an exit until the crisis, I got Alzheimer's in the middle

of it. Fuck this, Jack. Zach, Gage's fucking chips. Go to GageDiamonds.com slash KFC. Promo code KFC. 20% off your purchase and you can apply for financing. The worst candies. Top five, bottom five. Worst candies in honor of Halloween.

Because there's plenty of bad ones out there, man. I think there's such a clear one, I hope. Do I get first pick or do you? You can go first pick. No, I want to see you go first pick. Okay. I think it's clear. This is more of

like a bodega candy than like your grocery store type candy. I think it's the undisputed champion of poverty candy. Circus Peanuts. Oh, okay. Fine. Yeah, that's why I knew you were champion of poverty candy. Circus peanuts. Oh, okay. Fine.

Yeah. That's why I knew you were going to say it. Okay. Circus peanuts are. I don't even like, I've seen, I know what they look like. I don't. They are deplorable. I couldn't tell you what they taste like.

They're deplorable. I'm sure I've had one. They're like, look at those things. They're just orange. And they're, like, what's crazy about them is that the concept isn't even good like hey we'll make it we'll make them look like peanuts it's like why you don't eat yeah right we'll make them the shell look at that sweet potato flavored sweet sweet peanut shaped soft candy that is the description sweet Sweet, peanut-shaped soft candy

and someone at like a... They're like, oh, they're going to be peanut butter flavored, right? No, no, no. They're going to be peanut. Why would they be peanut flavored? Look at that! That is disgusting! And you know it turns your shit orange.

Oh, absolutely. It turns your tongue, your shit, your spit. What company makes this? Click the bag. Sather's or something? That's the really boo-like Sather's one. I mean, that is some... That truly, if you've ever had a circus peanut... Is this a popular Halloween candy?

No, no. This is truly garbage. This is like in the city. You get a whole box. 20 pounds for 80 bucks. We gotta buy that. Spangler 20 pound bulk. You know what's funny is it looks like fucking packing peanuts. I hope it comes like that.

It better not come in a box. Absolutely. They better come like they're packing peanuts. It's fucking loose in a cardboard box. Loose circus peanuts in a cardboard box. 20 pounds of it might be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And I'm going to make Jackie eat all of it. She has to eat 20 pounds. We're buying it right now.

A bulk box of circus peanuts. This is like if you go, if you trick or treat like in the city and you hit the corner stores and the bodegas, they'll probably give these to you. Otherwise, no. I mean, no self-respecting suburban house is going to buy circus peanuts. Am I actually buying this? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. I mean, no self-respecting suburban house is going to buy circus peanuts. Am I actually buying this? Yes, absolutely, absolutely. Circus peanuts.

What's your undisputed number one? Whoppers. Whoppers are fucking awful. Just bringing up their name gives me the chills and makes my nipples hard. If you're a candy and you fuck up my body like that in that fashion, fuck you. You're a piece of – like, you're trash. Like, no one, I don't even know where you buy Whoppers.

Like, you're talking about those bodega trash candies? Like, I can't buy Whoppers. I've only ever seen them in, like, the two-pack of, like, Halloween, like, you know, when they give them out. You know what I mean? If someone wasn't giving them to me for free, I wouldn't know where to acquire them. Movie theaters?

No. The bag is like tan colored, right? I'm picturing like a beige colored bag with brown writing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. No, no. Red writing. It's red writing.

Yeah, red writing? I think so. Maybe. You might be right. You might be right. They might be brown. I'm not entirely positive. I can't even. You might be right. They might be brown. I'm not entirely positive. I can't even.

Yeah, but I mean, the point is I can't even like Whoppers. I mean, it's a terrible name and everything. Whoppers. Red writing. Red writing. Whopper candy. Yeah. I mean, that is just.

Yeah. Favorite candy growing up. This is yours? Fair. Yeah. Oh, you're despicable. You know what it is? Oh, wait a minute.

Hang on a second. Wait a minute. I might like these. They're malted. Hang on. Oh, they're despicable. Oh, wait a minute. Hang on a second. Wait a minute. I might like these. They're malted milk balls. Oh, they're awful. Oh, my nipples. I can't stop. I think I'm bad. When I get milkshakes, if there's an option to get malted, I get malted.

I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking of something that's almost like a jawbreaker. Yeah, these are hard to eat. They kind of melt on your tongue. No, they're garbage. I think I like these. I was thinking more of

there's like a caramel one that's like you can't chew them. Milkduds are delicious. I don't think I like milkduds. Milkduds are good stuff. I don't think I have a problem with the milkdud taste. I think I have a problem with the milkdud consuming them. Yeah, you let that shit melt in think I have a problem with the Milk Dud consuming them. Yeah, you let that shit melt in your mouth for a bit. Milk Dud's fucking fuck.

No, Milk Dud's what I was thinking of because it's too much for me. I can't. My mouth gets stuck together. It's ridiculous. It is crazy. Whoppers I don't have a problem with, but I'm also not going to. Sometimes, here's what people need to realize in this world. Sometimes, you're a poor.. Sometimes you're a poor.

Sometimes you're a poor. Jeff Bezos sometimes is a poor. Like, everybody's got some dirt ball in them. Everyone's got some white trash in them. I like above ground pools. I could be so rich, I'll get an in-ground pool, but I'll be like, I wish this was an above ground pool. Because I like above ground pools.

Don't get me wrong, I won't have one. No. I have a reputation of one. But, like, if you can like... I like Whoppers. It's also a trash candy. Yeah. So that's, you know, you're allowed to do that.

My number two pick is Mary Janes. Oh, my God. There's a little squirrel on it, right? It's – Well, no, it's a – I don't know what it is. No, it's just a little girl. It's a little Mary Jane.

What's the one with a squirrel? Squirrel candy. Let me see. There's a candy with a squirrel on it. I mean, Mary Jane's a great pick. There is – I could have sworn there's a – They look the on it. I mean, Mary Jane's a great pick. There is, uh... I could have sworn there's a... They look the same.

They look the same. That's why. Is that what you're talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it's a brown, like, rectangle. Squirrel nut zippers. Yeah, those are... That sounds racist to me.

Like, you know, down south, we have the nut zippers. Those are... You know, little squirrel nut zippers. You know what I'm talking about? Any kind of candy like this is just, like just a candy where you can't even fucking. You can't even get the wrapper off. You're agreeing you're going to eat paper. This is chewy peanut caramel is squirrel nut zippers, which I had never seen until right now.

They're Necco, though. Mary Janes are molasses. Okay. Mary Jane's are molasses, okay? If you are eating molasses outside of the 1700s in the colonial America, you are despicable. It's peanut butter molasses. Unless this is part of the triangle trade, I don't want to fucking see it. If you give me Mary Jane's at Halloween, take this back to the 13 colonies

you broke, bitch. Give me a fucking break. My number two is going to be Smarties. Great one. I would have had it on my list eventually. I would have maybe took it next. Smarties, let me take a stick of chalk and

chop it up into little pieces and then wrap it up and you eat the chalk. But do you remember with Smokin' Smarties? smarties yeah those are cool you want to smoke a smarty yeah those were cool dude i feel like that's we're educating the youth on those do you remember smoking smarties you had them two paths yeah i smoke smarties where's the kid you find the kid the there was one particular kid who was like the face of Smokin' Smarties. Smokin' Smarties. Hey, you want Smokin' Smartie? Is that Fox?

That's funny. Yeah, but you know why? Because the wrappers were just like filled with fucking dust and shit. It was a dusty-ass candy. Bro, any candy that you could smoke or drink or whatever... Candy cigarettes were

the coolest things in the world. The worst candy ever. It was just shitty gum wrapped in like a paper cylinder, but you get that first puff, it was like, I'm the fucking man. When you did a candy cigarette, did you do two fingers or did you hold it like a joint? Right at two.

Yeah. Like a lady, like a fucking pussy. That's how you talk at drag, man. The Smarties, yeah, Smarties are garbage. That's also what they used to do. There was, what was it? Actually, no, I'm going to say this because it's going to be my next pick. Okay. But I don't really know if it's this because it's going to be my next pick. Okay.

But I don't really know if it's a Halloween candy. It could be a Halloween candy. Yeah, yeah. That's fine. I'm going to go with the strawberry candies that are wrapped in strawberry wrappers. Oh, yeah, the grandma candies. Those are. I think those, I think, get a bad rep.

I think those are good candies. I think those are underrated candies. Oh, my God. Like, you and my fucking grandmother, who's been dead for 30 years, can have that take. If you bring me to your grandma's house, me and her will fuck these up.

Ugh. We'll fuck them up, man. I'll go. I see that. These are served to you exclusively in a dish. Yeah. These have to come out of a dish. Yeah, presentation.

And they are just awful. It's a great presentation. It's like, oh, look at this plating. This is fantastic. Oh, this is, if you are under the age of 116, you cannot have Brack's strawberry candies. You despicable broke bitch. All right, number three, fun dips. Just the powder?

You just lick it and you stick it in. You just lick the stick and you put it in. And then you fucking suck it off. Awful. bitch. Alright, number three, Fun Dips. Just the powder? You just lick it and you stick it in and then you fucking suck it off. The stick itself is awful. You're drooling on it, basically. It's just like you spit in this bag and mix up like a plaster and then scoop this off. Fun Dip, a garbage candy, but

I did used to watch kids snort it before hockey. What? Yeah. Yeah, I do feel like Pixie Stix and all that shit. Ah, Pixie Stix also got snorted. Anything that was in powder form, we just. I would watch kids snort this. I guess this speaks to the town I grew up in.

I didn't even realize snorting things was a thing. I wasn't old enough to realize cocaine existed. Right, you had eight-year-olds chopping it up with a credit card. I got my dad's business card. Give me a tough second period out there, boys. Gotta get up. They get out the house key and they're fucking doing it off their fucking... I was like, what are you lunatics doing?

I'm going to switch genres of candy here. I'm going to go with I'm going to switch genres of candy here I'm going to go with a form of gum this is a gum that you only get at Halloween and it's double bubble in the blue and yellow wrapper if you're not actively sitting on a baseball bench you have no business

right and even then it's like we're doing this because we're on and even then it's bazooka, really. You should be rocking bazooka. But you know, you can go with the double bubble. Double bubble, every single piece of it was created in 1806. Like every single one.

I have a bag of it on my desk right now. No, it's from a factory in the 1800s. No, but I'm just saying I have it. Right, right. And it was made. You can treat my desk like a trash can. It's not mine. Someone just put a it was made you can treat my desk like a trash can it's not mine someone just put a full bag of double bubble

on my desk because people treat I mean they really just come by and they're just like right on John's desk I don't blame them it's what it looks like

but like I came in and like I think people come and eat it and they'll take a piece of gum and they'll just

crack it up like I have I have a bag of they'll take a piece of gum, and they'll just crackle it up. Like, I have a bag of Double O with a bunch of Double O wrappers sitting on my desk right now. None of it's mine. That is the respect I command in this office. I have a sweatshirt that says employee number five and a desk that says get this intern the fuck out of here. Man, that's great. Double bubble, though. I think they made one batch of it in the 1800s

and then they shut the factory down. And we've just been living off that 200-year-old batch the whole time. Oh, disgusting. This is easy. Number four, easy peasy. It's adult Smarties, which makes it even worse. It should have been a higher pick. Neck and wafers.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Neck and wafers. Garbage. At least Smarties had, like, a name and, like... They're... You know what these are very reminiscent of? You know what these are very reminiscent of? You know what?

They're both things are so nondescript both words to describe both words that they're called that you have to use them both. You can't just call them wafers. Echo is the brand. Right.

They're probably just like sugar wafers. How about this? Don't look this up. Don't look this up, Mike. Describe to me a Necco wafer. Like, what is it? It's unto itself. It's a worse version of the body of Christ.

Yeah. Like, I get more excited to eat communion than I do a Necco wafer. Where are our Necco wafers? That's alright. Also, that's just because it's been 45 minutes since I ate and I'm hungry. If you had to tell me what is a Necco wafer, I'd be like,

it's a Necco wafer. Or I'd be like, it's like Smarties. And they'd be like, what's Smarties? It's like a Necco wafer. It's just like they took sugar chalk, they took sugar, chalk. They took sugar, chalk. And they like smashed it together so that it became a dense like pebble. Uh-huh.

That's not candy. And it's gonna become fucking chalkish in your mouth. Yeah, you're gonna eat sugar, eat chalk. No part of it's gonna be good. You know what it is? It's the sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, vegetable. I mean, yeah, it's just nothing. It's the Valentine's Day hearts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the same thing. But at least those have, like, the Kiss Me, like, there's some tradition to it. And they look like a thing. That's, like, almost garnish on Valentine's Day, you know? Oh, they have flavors? Yeah, right. Look at, God, they just look

fucking gross. Can I just really quickly throw out my my my last pick then number five yeah licorice black licorice of any kind it's like here let me melt down this black tar and put like some pepper on it or something look at anything, any candy that is black like your dark soul is not a candy to be relished and enjoyed. Look at how dark these things are. They look like chunks of pavement off the street. They look like, like, we ever see when they do like a 2020, like like we poured out this bottle of two liter soda and we boiled it down to see what comes of it? Licorice.

That's what comes of it. It looks like the byproduct of scientific experiments. Look at that. Look at that. Look how black the Twizzlers are. Ah! Looks like power lines. It looks like you're eating extension cords.

Oh my God. It looks like you're eating power cords. It's a nightmare. It is horrible. Looks like you're eating power cords. It's a nightmare. It looks like something when, like, the demon gets killed. Yes. It's just kind of like... It looks like... Or something that comes out of your mouth and you're, like, poisoned or something in the horror movie.

It looks like what Stellan Skarsgård has brought back to life in. Who? Stellan Skarsgård. Who's that? Dune. Oh, yes. Yes, the guy when he goes in that yeah yes I can't even remember the names of people from do no no don't tell us is really okay I was gonna say what it's it's Alexander and Bill's card right I knew that guy yeah

it's just disgusting he's also the director in entourage and the professor in Google hunting yes very famous in one of the Exorcists. He's in a bunch of movies. Can you Google Blackjack gum? This is the only thing that I ever had. I'm so embarrassed I went with Entourage first, and then Google Hunting. Is this what I was talking about, Blackjack?

Yes. Oh, God. So I used to go... I used to go... This gum looks racist. Yes, God. So I used to go. I used to go. This gum looks racist. Yes. Yes. If that gum could speak, it would say slurs.

If that gum could speak, it would say, boy. Oh, wow. Hang on a second. It might actually be racist. That looks like Hitler Youth. That's Hitler Youth right there. Yeah. That's Hitler Youth.

Well, it's entirely possible because I. That kid. Youth right there. Yeah. That's Hitler Youth. Well, it's entirely possible because I... That kid. That kid is... What is the quotes that are saying when he's got the thing around his neck? What does that say? Jews control the weather. Good old-fashioned flavor. We must exterminate them.

Oh, my God. When I used to go visit my dad's dad, my grandfather, who lived in Meadville, Pennsylvania, which is, like, in the middle of fucking nowhere, this gum and the sticks of it, they're not open. There's none open in here. The sticks of it are black, and I thought that looked cool. I didn't like the flavor of licorice at all.

But I just remember being like, there's black bubble gum. That's pretty cool. This is all so racist. Look at that. Hey, licorice. Oh my god. That blackjack gum kid, his parents, and maybe him, for sure, own people. This is so fucked up.

This should be, I'm not in favor of book burning but it should be illegal to google blackjack gum on the internet. You shouldn't be able to see. Look at that. That kid. He's ready to beat some black people with that bat. This is crazy. This is Liam Neeson's favorite gum. Yo this gum

this gum. This gum, you go to a Klan meeting, they're all just chomping away, blowing bubbles with blackjack. But the reason this also jumped out at me, click the three-pack there, because there was also a flavor of clove for the Neko wafer. What the fuck flavor is clove?

Like a clove cigarette? That's the only time I've known clove, which does taste good to smoke as a cigarette, but not to eat as like a candy. What is clove candy? It's like a spice. It's a spice? Yeah.

Does it subtly sweet? Yeah, it's got to be sweet, obviously. But yeah, Necco, the reason I said licorice is because one of the flavors of Necco wafers was licorice. And they have wintergreen and they have all these other. Go back to that. Go back to the Necco wafer flavors.

Just Google that. Because that list has got to suck. I mean, when you're doing candies and you have mint flavors, like, no, dude. Chocolate, fine. Lime, orange, cinnamon, dude. Chocolate? Fine. Lime, orange, cinnamon, lemon, licorice, and clove. Half of these are acceptable flavors.

You could do chocolate, kind of. You can do lemon-lime, for sure. Those candies are supposed to be, like, sour, I think, instead. You can even do cinnamon, because that's, like, hot, you know? It's almost like a hot meat. I'm not a huge fan of cinnamon candy. Cinnamon gum, I think you can do. Cinnamon candy, I don't think you can even do cinnamon because that's like hot you know it's almost like i'm not a huge fan i'm not a fan of cinnamon candy no cinnamon gum i think you can do cinnamon candy i think you can yeah uh orange i don't think you can do oh i don't like any of the spicy like red hot warheads no lemon warheads yes for sure hot warheads no big red gum no hot red hots no hot

tamales no all that no way but i recognize that is a thing. We just rattled off five or six of them, so you can have that as a flavor. Licorice, clove, out. Wintergreen, out. And I don't even know what orange means. Like a creamsicle or just like orange? Orange. I'm okay with orange. I'm okay with orange.

I guess you should have orange, lime, and lemon be your only flavors, really. And this should be like a Starburst type of thing. A crumbly chalk Starburst is what this should be. And instead they have clove. Oh, my last one is Dots. I like Dots. You like Dots?

Because of the presentation. They're milk duds. Oh, I'm thinking of something else. I'm thinking about paper dots, like candy. Oh, oh, God. No, that's good. Never mind. I'll take those. Yeah, I love those. What are you, nuts? Because of, I'm thinking of something else. I'm thinking about paper dots, like candy. Oh, oh, God. No, that's good. Never mind. I'll take those.

Yeah, I love those. What are you nuts? Because of... Oh, those are terrible. Dots are absolutely despicable. No, I'm changing to the paper dots. You're right. Paper dots are...

What are they actually called? I think they're called paper dots. Paper dots? Yeah, these are candy buttons. What? Candy buttons. Candy buttons. They are... look at that look

how bright those colors are I love those eat so much you eat a ream of paper it's like you're the whole fucking thing this is like one of those things like with people who like eat the legs of a lobster there's meat in them and you like how like bite uh-huh yeah yeah it's dude, just get another lobster. Just get another one. You're gonna work... Alright, Silver Spoon! Just get another... Get another lobster! You're gonna work that hard for some lobster. Just get another lobster. You'll save

yourself time. If you were getting paid by the hour, you'll make enough to fucking just get another lobster. Get back to work. Stop sucking on the legs. You'll make enough in that next hour to get another fucking lobster. I used to get these at like the movie rental store, like a Hollywood video or a blockbuster.

So I, I like associated with that. And yeah, you just rip those little chunks of, of, of, uh, of sugar. It's just straight up sugar. But there would always be like a little bit of paper and you always just ate tons and tons of paper. You eat so much paper. You eat like these long strips. Like you get stuck and tons of it. You eat these long strips. You get stuck and you peel it.

That's it, right? That's it. That's a despicable list of candy. That is deplorable. If you eat those, terrible. Alright, voicemails today are brought to you by HelloFresh.

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I've got a friend that jerks off in the shower at college. Should he be ashamed of that or is he all good? Thanks. I don't know why he was filming his peanut butter crackers. He said he wants to remain anonymous. So he just filmed his peanut butter crackers? I think that's the more interesting, intriguing part of this. Jerking off in the shower.

Well, in the shower... I mean, it's tale as old as time. That's why there's the fucking joke every year that you're clogging the drains because everyone's jerking off in the shower. Everyone will fall for it every year. Every year. Until the end of time. Can I actually tell you, one day I want to write a book, right? And I've thought about this before, like, all of the different things, all of the little elements I want to include

in the book. I don't want to write the book, I just want someone else to write the book, and I want to include this, this, this, this, this, this. And the the yearly the yearly people falling for...

Are we good, Jackie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The yearly people falling for the jerking off in the showers prank is like an important lesson almost. Like it made me realize on the internet that you can't be like the I'm too cool guy where it's like I already know that joke. Yeah. Because there's a whole wave of college kids who think it's really, really funny. Right. So you got to acknowledge that you know this joke already.

You know that it's a prank, a hoax or whatever, but you can't be too good for it. You know, there are jokes that we've done when standing with stand up and sit down to wipe. There are certain things where everybody has their moment where they learn it. The 10,000 ducks, horse size duck, duck size horse thing. And they think it's the first time ever and they want their favorite bloggers, podcasters to talk about it. And if we're just like, no, we already did that, that's lame. But there's a whole crop of people who know it's a hoax, so you have to acknowledge both sides of it. And that made me realize you have to always post, and you have to always do the yearly things.

There's shit that pops up every year, Sex Island, and remember all those things like every year we got the blog about this but there's always new people finding it so yeah the fact that there's a crap of college kids every year who see a note that says please stop jerking off in the showers because it's clogging the drains they think it's the funniest thing the audacity you have to think you're dropping loads that clog drains you're dropping loads that can't even impregnate fertile women you think you're dropping loads that clog drains. You're dropping loads that can't even impregnate fertile women. You think you're clogging drains? Get the fuck out of here.

Your cum is made of fucking like bush light and like shitty weed and mozzarella sticks from your calf. Okay? Your cum is like piss. Your pee is thicker than your cum when you're in college. It ain't clogging shit. If you went to a fertility doctor, he'd think

you have a problem until he realized you're just a college student. Oh, okay. When you become a man, you'll have some fucking cum. If you go to a fertility... When you become a man, you'll get some blue cheese. Until then, you just got ranch, bro. You go to a fertility doctor and they say, no, no, no. We need a sperm sample, not a urine sample.

You're like, no, I did. I just came in the cup. Disgusting cum. Can you believe that there are college girls who swallow college cum? Swallowing the cum of a college guy. I would rather drink like sewer water.

I think I'd rather him pee. If I was a girl, I'd just pee in my mouth. Just skip the cum. It's disgusting. It's just like Cheetos. All you've had is fucking pizza and Doritos. Things cooked on George Foreman girls. Not me, like my refined palate at the age of 36.

My cum is delectable. I'm having steakhouse pork chops and lemony fucking green beans. And I, yo, welcome for the loans, ladies. But all of this is to say that like, jerking off in the shower in college is like almost like better than like jerking off in front of your roommates. Bro, see, I actually, I like, I actually skipped a formative step in my college experience

because I... My freshman year, the day I was a regular college student for a day where it was like, okay, I'm moving into college. I got a freshman dorm and I wasn't regular. I got a single. Even as a freshman dorm, and I wasn't regular. I got a single.

So even as a freshman, I just had a single. So I never had to worry about, like, oh, how am I going to jerk off? I mean, getting home from, like, class when the room was empty. Yeah. It's like hearing that fucking hotel door lock behind you. Yes. Oh, God. Nothing gets me hard in a Pavlovian fashion.

Like a hotel door. Yeah, the clank. I'm like hard right now. You have that heavy door clank, and then you hear the air conditioner tick on. Yeah. And it's like a little dry air. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You look over. I'm like fucking playing with myself. Yeah, no myself keep going Kevin let's see if I can get John to come you see the soap wrapped up in the little bar luckily Kevin can't see my hands he's jerking off

but yeah going to the bathroom going to the shower probably better the only thing that's a little weird about that is that you didn't have floor-to-ceiling barriers, so if you're coming... You saw dudes make their own toes curl?

You're seeing toes curl and squids fly. You just hear a little noise and then a splat and see a toe curl. Have you ever made your toes curl? Have you ever had your toes curl? I don't think I do that. I've gotten cramps in my calves before and shit.

Oh, you get it. It's a cramp response. Yeah. It's like when I cramp my forearm like that. It's not out of ecstasy. It's out of lack of hydration. Yeah, no, potassium. Yeah, definitely.

I don't have enough ingredients, enough vitamins in my body. Yeah. Good, it'll make your toes curl. You're right. Make your toes curl. I can't even curl my toes if I wanted to. At least my keys aren't on a lanyard. Yeah, that's like, this is a kid who's just backed up at college.

And he's like trying to tell his buddy, you're lame for jerking off in the shower. I think jerking off in the shower is the most civilized thing we do. I don't do that shit. I know, because you're an animal. Just wash it down, wash it away. John wants to blast off on his own stomach.

To me, it's the cleanest way. You just point it at the drain and no evidence. It's all gone. CSI ain't no shit. I told you, one of my, I'm sure I shit. I told you, it's one of my, I'm sure it was a million times, but one of my favorite jokes, a friend told a girlfriend not to slip in the shower

because she'll get pregnant. And I was like, can I shower here? He's like, yeah, just don't fall, you'll get pregnant. Amazing. So good.

So good. So peanut butter cracker man, you know, learn how to jerk off, you little bitch. KSC here. it's Tom Ace yeah Tom Ace

we're doing Ace Ventura I was hoping that you could show our pot cake puppy palace because we're flying thousands of dogs from the Bahamas to Canada

every year help us out From the Bahamas to Canada. Every year. Help us out. We're not doing video voicemails anymore. Video voicemails. 2021 to 2021. That just got cancelled. What was that? What was that?

The end of video voicemails. What was that? What was that? That dude just thought voicemails. What was that? What was that? That dude just thought... What company am I definitely not shouting at right now? Puppy Palace? Puppy Palace, was it? The fly dogs?

They say fly dogs to the Bahamas? Yeah. To the Bahamas to Canada? Why? What are you doing to theamas to Canada? Why? What are you doing to the dogs in Canada, bro? Puppy Palace. I got it.

It's like, Pot Cake Puppy Palace? Does this dude own this company or something? I don't want to do this. I don't want to, like, make fun of it. Dude, that voicemail stunk. Yo, yo, here's the thing. I don't want to make fun of it. Dude, that voicemail stunk. I don't want to make fun of it. That was bad.

Here's the thing. This isn't the fun part of the show for me, making fun of the not funny people. Come on, man. You know what's a shame is that you could use video voicemails in a way to maybe get your company out there or promote some shit if you did it in a way to maybe get like your company out there or, or like, um,

you know, promote some shit if you did it in like a funny, clever way. But now I have to officially ban any sort of self promotion on video voicemails because of the Tom Ace guy. I mean, do you know how bad this looks for anybody who's like not a hundred years old and doesn't know it? Do you guys,

do you know, have you ever seen Ace Ventura, Jackie? Oh, I don't have any idea what that even means. I didn't even realize he was doing it. Tom Ace is like when he goes undercover at the party with the rich guy in Ace Ventura.

He's like, Ace, Tom Ace is my name. And all that was Ace Ventura. That was a dude doing an impression of a 30-year-old movie to promote his puppy movie company. Is it his? Because I don't see him anywhere. This is, I am going to give. Next up.

I'll give one free piece of advice to the Potcake Puppy Palace. It seems like you're doing good work, and that's why I'm not being meaner, but have a new person who's forward-facing. Yeah, yeah. Get a new founder, if that's possible. Undo him founding the company. You can just hire Get a new founder, if that's possible. Undo him founding the company. You can just hire someone else to be the face of the company. Come on, man.

I didn't want to do any of this. That was so bad. I don't want to do any of this. Potcake Puppy Palace, fucking keep doing good stuff, stop sending voicemails. We might, I might, I might hijack that

and make a t-shirt that says Potcake Puppy Palace. Wait, before we go any further, I just scratched my head and remembered something. I have a skin tag on my head now. I thought it was...

Let's see it. No, no, no, no, it's not. Wait, I can't find it. Here it is, here it is, here it is. It's like, it's right here. Can you see it there? I can feel it Oh yeah You can see it? Yeah

Bro, I've been in the fucking Wash your fucking scalp, dude Why? Is that what's gonna die? No You know what? I'm gonna take a picture and show you what it looks like This is like, it's like a fucking giant pimple, basically Really?

Oh, but the pimple has a good thing. Yeah, you could just pop this thing, basically. Oh, okay. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, that's not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Dude, I was trying to pull it the other day. You know what I was thinking about?

I could always feel it when I was shampooing. Yeah, you could have an ingrown hair. It could be something else. Oh, okay. That's not bad. Dude, I thought it was stuck to me. You want me to pop it? I don't think you can. If you can, sure. Let's try this out. No I thought it was, like, stuck to me. You want me to pop it? I don't think you can.

If you can, sure. Let's try this out. No. Hold on. Get a camera close up of that. Let me know when. Oh, okay. That's on pass.

As you got the shot, I got it. Ah! Ah! You got it? No, it's not poppable, I think. Yeah, that's what I mean. I was pulling on it in the shower, and I was like, if I rip this out, I'm going to rip out my head. Yeah, like you're going to scalp yourself.

I was going to pull it out. Well, I thought about this the other day. You don't wash behind your ears? No. Oh. To me, that's one of like, I get out of the shower, I rub the back of my ears to make sure that it's clean, because it just feels like your hair and your skin and your face. How about this?

This should be, I hope this is a 100% uniform answer here. Are your ears a part of your face or your head? Head. Head. Okay, good. Someone's trying to say face. Like, no, it's pretty much it. You got to clean, like, that's what.

Disgusting. And I told you, I tweeted at you and Whitney the other day that I had fucking washed my face. Yeah, but you gotta get ten years of fucking gunk out of your skin. Fine. If someone wants to send me a detailed... Actually, if someone who is like a certified skin doctor, dermatologist they call them,

if someone wants to send me all the ingredients for what I need to have perfect skin, I will start a skincare routine. That's a promise. I have like nothing but time these days. Like I just do whatever I want, whatever I want. I hate your guts. I have enough time to start a skincare routine. Hit me up.

I will do it. I will for real do it. Do we have any advertisers who do this kind of thing? Someone said, like, I don't want a fucking little pussy skincare routine, like, you do just one thing a day. I want a fucking detailed, like, impossibly long, like, I want a morning routine, I want a night routine, I wantibly long. I want a morning routine. I want a night routine. I want what I'm supposed to do in the shower.

I want most of what I might do per day to be involving washing my face. My life consumed by washing my face. Yeah. You've got a lot of time to make up for it. It's probably a good idea. Yeah. I go so black and white with things. I either don't do it all or I do it nonstop.

I want 80% of my day to be spent washing my hands on my face give me that routine or last one right this is the third we talked about coming on faces too much and we lost it oh is that what happened we don't have to cut this no no no

we'll also have wood soon we had a skincare routine thing that we got caught. They fired us because we talked about cumming on the face. We talked about cumming on the face. Whatever, worth it. What's up, guys? Kevin, John, Jackie, Zach, Nick, Mike, anyone else? I can't remember.

I feel like I'm like Mark Wahlberg. Tanning, lacing, lacing, blah, blah. But, so, I got a quick little amout. It's echoing. You don't even know this house is echoing. So a couple months ago, my mom got diagnosed with a bad form of cancer. Fuck yeah. She's going to be all right.

What am I supposed to do? She's going to be all right. Check back. Bad. But. What did he say? He goes, she'll be all right. Check back.

So the first thing she says to me when she gets into the hospital is, Jake, I really hope you're using this to help pick up girls. Like, what? Who the fuck says that? One. A down ass mom. Yeah, fuck yeah, that's right. But I mean, that was awesome.

But am I the asshole for using that? Like, I feel dirty as shit. Not with the blessing. Bro, I don't dirty as shit. Not with the blessing. Bro, I don't... It works. Not with the blessing. But it's not... What?

There's no way that works. If a girl told me that, like, her family had cancer and I just started dating her, I would, like, leave immediately. See, but it's not dating. It's, like, hook it up. It's, like, sympathy hookup.

I think it is... It's a very... I can't do it. I'm not someone who has the ability to use something like that in a job on my moral it's not that I'm not above it I'm below it I'm waiting I'm six feet under no you definitely use this definitely could use this easy but I just I don't know I don't have the game to pull it out you don't like use this. It's just part of your...

If you're just talking to her and she's like, what do you got this week? It's like, I got a big day at work and then I got to go visit my mom. Sloan Kettering for a little bit. She's like, what? You just kind of slide it in. I'm tired today.

Right. My head hurts because I'm just like my head hurts because I've just been so giving and caring yeah alright alright trying to take care of my mom

starting to feel like I was walking to a hotel room over here but more importantly more importantly it's about the mom who's like

go do it baby like go use it yeah like any that's a fucking mom yeah that mom's like gonna be like use this baby. Like, go use it. Yeah, yeah. Like, any... That's a fucking mom right there. Yeah, that mom's, like, gonna be like, use this to get out of your tests at school. Use this to cut out of work early.

Use this to fuck girls. Which is something we always feel guilty about. But, like, most people are similar. Give the blessing, right? Of course. Yes. Like, if I had grandkids, like, of course I'm gonna die 50 times. I wanna die when you don't to go to lunch with a friend.

Don't just use me for fucking college finals. Use my fucking body like a whore. Like a fucking little $5 whore on the corner. Use me as you please. I am just a whore, sir. Absolutely, man. There's a couple things like that. But don't fuck me.

Well, you fuck me. I don't care. Same thing with chicks. Every girl is like, I hate bridal showers. And yet when you become a bride, you do it too. Stop fucking doing them. All of these things where it's like you agree or like I want it this way, but I can't do it. Yes, you can because you would want it that way. They want it this way but i won't like but i can't do it you know well yes you can because you you would want it that way they want it that way everybody wants it that way

cue the backstreet boys yeah it's it's uh if if your mom but i will say until your mom gives you that blessing i don't know if you believe in karma and all that shit it's not i don't it's not that i believe in karma it says that if you try to use this when your mom has not given the blessing, you probably won't do it as like – you won't execute as well. Yeah, right. You've got to go in knowing you've got the blessing because then you're going to drop it in perfectly. And then you're going to get some cancer sex.

Ain't no sex like cancer sex, man. I mean, when I say cancer sex, I mean like guilty – when you've guilted someone into having sex with cancer because when you have sex on cancer, that probably sucks. Probably have a cum that tastes like a college kid. Cancer patients have literally radioactive cum. And I'd rather taste

that than a freshman in SUNY Oswego. Alright, interview time. Let's go. Tom motherfucking Segura is on KFC Radio. It's brought to you by Nectar Sunglasses. Now, if you're watching on YouTube, you're going to see Tommy's baby blues. He's got some eyes popping. Yeah, Tom's eyes were popping.

So he should not rock the Nectar sunglasses. But, you know, if you're ugly, Nectar sunglasses. Have your face. Terrible eyes. Have your eyes. Yeah, you want to cover. Both your eyes even. Right?

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which my esteemed colleague, John Feidelberg, that fat fuck, sat on and broke. I literally said last week on the episode, I said, I'm going to become a glasses guy now because I got so many compliments when I was wearing the blue light filtering. And then, partially my fault, I don't know why they were on a fucking seat where people put their asses. But I quite literally was like, I think I'm going to become a sunglasses guy as his ass hit. And I was like, da-da-ba And I was like, and it just went crunch.

You could hear the crunch. Maybe that was planned. I thought Kevin looked too good in the glasses. Maybe. And I was like, I can't have this dude running around looking all hot and shit. Seriously. Look. Look at him now.

Oh, you know what I could do now? I could do him like the, I need to twist it a little bit so that it's like one of those. Monocle? Monocle when they have it on a stick though. You know what I mean? I think it's... Monocles, you know,

you have that like... But I think a monocle is just like it's one... It's an occult. It's an occult. So I'm going to be like...

See? Still look cool. That's what Nectar sunglasses do. So you can get the eyeglasses for the blue light filtering. You can get the sunglasses.

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shop for you, shop for your loved ones. It's Nectar sunglasses.com slash KFC. Before we get into Tom Segura, our tickets are Tom's in town for the New York Comedy Festival. That's why he's here in person. We are performing at the New York Comedy Festival Friday, November 12th, 630.

This will be our best show ever. I actually almost want to like, not apologize to the people who came to our previous shows, but we were like

kind of figuring things out and getting like our feet like back underneath us for post-COVID and now we've planned like a live show. It's literally taking KFC Radio and making it come alive with all

of the characters from the past. We don't have to invite Pat Luck puppy dinner place. Because we've got the milk girls that are going to come. We've got gay but straight and married with kids, Joe. We've got Hot Skyler.

All these characters from the video voicemails from the past month or in Joe's case from like last year, we're going to bring on stage with us. We've got a live – we've got a surprise guest at the end. A couple guys will be joining us. As always, I'm going to get a couple videos from your favorite comics to do their own video voicemails. So it's like we finally kind of figured out the formula, and now that we have the faces to the names with the video voicemails. So it's like we finally kind of figured out the formula and now that we have the faces

to the names with the video voicemails, we can kind of bring these characters with us. So truly like a live experience where it's all going to unfold on stage with me, John, and the rest of the gang. I'm very, very excited. I'm getting excited for shit. Yeah. Now I'm usually like nervous about it. Now I'm just like I want to get on stage and watch it unfold. Yeah.

I don't know how this thing's going to go. Seriously? I'm worried nervous about it. Now I'm just like, I want to get on stage and watch it unfold. I'm as much of a fucker. I don't know how this thing is going to go. I'm worried about time. We've got a lot of fucking events. We've got a lot of things. We're going to have to either blend them all together and they're all going to be on stage at once or we're going to have a pretty long show. We have a hard out too, right? Because of the late show.

What's the hard out? I believe 8 o'clock. It's still an hour and a half but we could really blow this thing out go to Live Nation or check out KFC Radio all the social handles you can check us out

at the Gramercy Theater Friday November 12th 6.30 it's an early slot so it's a live Friday Night Pints with us so come check us out and let's get into it now Tom Segura on KFC Radio. Let's talk to him. Let's do it. Tom Segura back at Barstool. First time in the new office.

You look very handsome today. Do I? Yeah. Thanks, man. That makes me feel really good. Good. I'm glad. John is the king of like, he was like, you know, guys don't like hype each other up enough. I think it's totally true. And it fucking feels good. Did you see what happened last night? So last night

I tweeted a picture of this dude who's crazy hot. This dude, Tom, this guy. Wait, how hot is he? Tom, you don't even understand, bro. Alright, pull him up. It was Trump with Polina Gretzky and DJ and like, I mean, it was... He's really,

really, really hot. I'll be deciding how hot he is. Let me see. The, I mean, he's, he's offensively good looking. He's pretty fucking hot.

He's pretty fucking hot. That's one of those, like, I question the big architect in the sky where it's like, how come me looked like this

and you look like that? I feel like, that, that's the kind of guy that probably, you know, makes women uncomfortable. Yeah,

yeah, like you're prettier than I am. Yeah, yeah, you can leave it alone. Yeah, go ahead. You want to take it out probably makes women uncomfortable. Yeah, like you're prettier than I am. Yeah, you can leave it at that. Yeah, go ahead. You want to take it out? Now I'm really getting it. The guy's a rocket, man.

Who's he there with? This chick? I think he's... No, that's Paulina Gretzky. So that's Dustin Johnson, Gretzky. I don't know who the other guys are. I don't know who they are. And Trump just randomly...

Is that Mar-a-Lago? Yeah, is that Mar-a-Lago? I love Halloween and Trump's just like, fuck that. I'm going to wear my suit and my red tie, you assholes. But someone, so I tweeted that, and then someone found his Instagram and DM'd him and was like, hey man, you're fucking beautiful. How do you get your hair so nice? And he sent a genuine response.

He said, hi, I let my hair dry naturally. I don't run my hands through it a lot, so I used my natural wave and spray a flexible hairspray in it. Nothing crazy. And I was like, that's fucking awesome, dude. That's guys being like, hey man, you're fucking, you're beautiful. This is really the evolution of the way men are supposed

to. Yeah, and here's him with a duck by the way. As if he didn't need another thing for girls to be like, oh my god. And this conversation would make our fathers be like just jump off a building absolutely

these my dad would be like you fucking gay losers absolutely man but you know what like all of our fathers are probably gonna die early

because they suppressed all their fucking emotions so when they're dead you're at him so I popped down the factory today He was looking just delicious I can't even imagine

I feel like you and Bird are kind of like You know you always drop I love you's And you guys are We do do that You express yourselves a little bit to each other at least Yeah that's like I think you have to be so That's the thing

It just shows you with guys You have to be so comfortable Yeah I mean me and him Have been doing it for a decade You and Bird have known each other for how long Yeah like fucking I don't remember But like Yeah you know somebody so long That you go It's like you know so comfortable with the other guy. Yeah, I mean, me and him have been doing it for a decade. You and Bird have known each other for how long? Yeah, like, I don't remember. But like,

yeah, you know somebody so long that you go, it's like, you know, your high school friends you can say shit like that to. But most guys are like, you know, I don't know, you grow up, right?

Oh, absolutely. I mean, most of the guys here, you know, I feel like if you said, certain company here, if you said, you know, hey man, you look fucking, actually the other day

Ricky Velez came in and we've only done Zoom with him. I've only ever seen him in the club and this was the first time we were close. As soon as he sat down, I was like, you got really pretty eyes, man. And he goes, that was a weird statement, dude. I was like, hey, you know what?

Take it back. And you know what? Now that we're saying it, Tom, you got the baby blues. Those have worked to your advantage in the past, for sure. Give it back. And you know what? Now that we're saying it, Tom, you got the baby blues. Yeah, they're popping with that. Those have worked to your advantage in the past for sure. You have no idea how much I needed this today. But it's fucking – We're going to go for three and a half hours.

What ends up happening is I think what happened with guys is like we would also – you've always been around guys who what they do is they go, what are you, a fucking – what do you put contacts in? You're like, that's their way of saying you have pretty eyes, you know, is they insult your eyes. Right, right. You know, you get a haircut like, what the fucking, what are you going to, photo shoot later?

What? I just got a haircut. So that's, I mean, now we're at the point where we're like, oh, we'll say the thing that we want to say. Yeah. We don't have to hide it. Yeah. It is.

See, I've been on that train forever. I used to get in fights on the school bus because I would be too complimentary and be like, what are you, gay? I'm like, I'll fucking fight you. So wait, you were complimenting guys? Yeah, I always sound like that's a sick shirt. Well, John's also gay. We're just waiting for him to come out.

I'd be like, that's a sick shirt, man. My biggest school bus fight. See, but that's hilarious. He's like, nice shirt. What are you, gay? Yeah. What are you, some sort of pussy? I like your shirt.

The fuck? Where did you get? I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to get on your level. Yeah. Where do I get that shirt, dude? It's very nice. Well, the worst is, like, I didn't even go there with it.

I've complimented a guy's car, and they're like, what? And I'm like, fucking crazy Aston Martin. Like've complimented a guy's car, and they're like, what? And I'm like, fucking crazy Aston Martin. Like, I can't say, nice car. And he's like, alright. And you're like, alright, man. Sorry, I take it back. That is the fucking ultimate level of insecurity. If a guy can't take a compliment on his

property, you can't even take that, dude. Dude, that's the car Daniel Craig drove in the new Bond. I think it's cool to see it in person. That's also the whole fucking point of having a car like that. Or at least, you don't want to say,

yeah, man, you should drive this thing. Like something. It's fucking nuts. Right, right. The guy's like, all right. Okay, man.

People are such assholes. You're a big car guy, right? I mean, it's funny. Once you do things on the internet, you realize what people, how they say, what level you do things on the internet, you realize what people have. They say what level you are of that.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I like cars. Right. But since I can't fix them, people are like, you're not a car guy. You're not a car guy. Yeah. Right. Sorry.

I love cars. I love driving cars. I like going to track. I like all that shit. Yeah. I mean, I think if you go to a track and you own several, I would imagine. You have no idea how many people go like, do you change

your own oil? Yeah. No. They're like, why? I'm like, because I have money. Yes. You don't sell off theaters, right? You think I changed my fucking oil? These hands haven't gotten dirty in a decade. Yeah, man. Are you fucking crazy? All that shit, though. Yes. If I was an MC, I would be paying someone to change.

That to me, like that went out the window a long time ago. Being able to do shit. I think you're a car guy. If you can drive a stick shift. Yeah. Are you a manual? I think if you know, it's called a manual.

Are you, are you an asshole about it? No. I'll tell you a secret. Cause we're like in a real safe zone here. Yeah, absolutely. I loved,

I loved driving cars like always. Right. I love driving cars, like always. I love sports cars and exotics. I didn't know how to drive a manual into my late 30s. And I fucking found a place. I found a guy on Yelp who was like, I'll teach you how to drive manual. On Yelp? On Yelp. The review thing?

Yep. I just read manual. He had a business called Learn to Drive. And I went to meet him. He's like, most people do this because they're going to Europe or India for a job. Like the last places that do this. Yeah, they only have manuals. I was like, I just ordered an M2 competition.

I don't know how to do it. And he's like, okay. So I learned at like 38. Yeah. And I went through all the shit that you'd probably go through at 16 if you were learning a manual at that age. I did it at like stalling at fucking stoplights. People would be like, what the fuck?

Like behind me. You're in this fucking unbelievable car, right? But I just kept doing it. And now I'm addicted. I just ordered my third one yesterday. When I was a kid, my dad would let me shift. I mean like a kid. my dad would let me shift. I mean, like a kid. I was like seven. So I would just

know we had this shitty Nissan and he would obviously be hitting the clutch and all that. But I knew how to do it at that level. It's rad. I could see it feeling pretty cool. It's fun. But also, I'm like, also if you're buying Aston Martins and fucking BMWs and all that shit, I don't really give a shit about driving

my Nissan as an automatic. You know what I mean, I don't really give a shit about driving my Nissan as an automatic. You know what I mean? I don't want to be working at it when I'm just going from point A to point B. Yeah, but what's this high-performance shit? You feel like you're in a fucking race car. Oh, absolutely. So it's fun.

I had a buddy who had one. His first car was a manual, and he was such an aggressive driver. That's probably the only time I've ever been in manual. Like, and I would, in order to make a point, cause I'm passive aggressive and kind of a pussy.

I don't say things out loud unless you look beautiful. And, and, and he, he would, he was so bad driving it that I would make sure I leaned forward and went back every time. Just to be like,

you're a herky jerky asshole. And every single time we just get in a screaming match in the car. He's like, you've got to just sit back. I'm like, dude, you've got to just drive better. And it just rocked the entire time. It does make you really, really upset if you're driving a manual and someone's like, you're like, I'm not shifting. That's not that.

I would be kissing the dashboard. I'd be one of those wobbly birds. Oh, here it is. Yeah, it's fucking fun. Here's the dashboard. I'd be one of those wobbly birds. Oh, here it is. Yeah, it's fucking fun. Here's the thing. Not even if it's manual. If you just have never driven a wild performance car,

automatic even, and you get into it, you'll be like... You'll feel it. If you're driving it. Because people will be like, why would you get this? I'm like,

have you driven something like this before? Yeah, because you can feel the difference. I mean, growing up my whole life... Yeah, I drove a $30,000 Audi. No, no, no. It's not the same thing. Yeah, I had... feel the difference. I mean, growing up my whole life. Yeah, I drove a $30,000 Audi. It's not the same thing.

Yeah, I had, you know, growing up we had like some minivans for a while, some Nissans, you know, regular shit. And then my family, we got an Acura, like a TL, just like the sedan. And even that, you know, I'm driving it with like my big toe, just like barely touching. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I feel like I'm in a fucking spaceship. And it had the big white headlights, so it was like... We went from broke-ass cars to that, and I felt like I was in a spaceship. So I can't imagine an actual performance car.

I took everybody. I have this Vegas deal that I do every few months at the Mirage, so I had six people out there. I took them all to Dream Racing, including Nadav, who is my producer at YMH. He's only driven a Honda Civic in his... Wow, that's it. I put him in a Porsche 911 GT3. I was like, take a lap, dude.

He was like, oh! If you go to one of those tracks with zero experience, they'll just hand you the keys? With an instructor in the passenger seat. But you're driving? You're driving, yeah. It's super fun, man. It's a fun experience.

Do you sign a death waiver? If I were to do that and fuck it up, is it on me? No, it's all covered. That's always been my thing. I would love to get on a track and do some of that shit. Do it, dude. Do that.

Because I do. I drive like an asshole. I like to drive fast. I like to drive aggressive. The funny thing is when you learn how different that driving is to what you're used to driving on the street. Oh, yeah. You're braking way later than you think you should.

You're pointing. You're like, I'm going to hit that. And then they're like, no, you're not. It's fun, man. When you're driving your cars, do you ever get, and I guess this kind'm going to hit that. It's fun, man. When you're driving your cars, do you ever get, and I guess this kind of speaks to the Aston Martin dude earlier, do you get annoyed with people getting

excited about it? No. This is obviously a ridiculous comparison, but when you have a dog and someone's like, let me pet it, let me talk to it, what's it like? And you're like, dude, I don't want to talk, I'm just walking my dog right now. I don't feel like having this conversation. Sometimes I'll be like, I'm like like? And you're like, dude, I don't want to talk. I'm just walking my dog right now. I don't feel like having this conversation. I'll have the conversation.

Sometimes it's quick. Sometimes I'll be like, I'm going in. I'm like, oh, yeah. And I'll tell them what was done, all the modifications. Then I'll just walk into the place. But I'll never like, excuse me. OK. What's like your baby, your crown jewel?

Right now, I have this GT4, a Porsche GT4, that I sent to this guy named Rick DeMond up here, who's like a racer. Yeah. And he tuned it. He bore out the engine, made it a 4.5 liter engine. He shortened the gears. He made the gears shorter. It's like a fucking rocket ship.

Did you know this shit ahead of time? That he did? Well, I've heard about it. I mean, like, did you know this terminology and all this shit? Like, when you were a kid growing up, you never had them. No, no, no. Did you know about them or you just got into it once you got rich? I knew about, like, places that tuned cars.

So I was always like, I want to do that if I can ever get a car and tune it. I wanted to do that. Because I was like, you mean they make that car even crazier? Right. That's what I wanted to do. I'm learning about that right now. It's fun. This is my life.

This is our life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. If you got money, what would you, like enough money to get like a, you know,

just blow it on a car, what would you do? I'd call Tom and be like, what kind of car should I get? I wouldn't have any idea how to get a car. Just get a Porsche, dude. Just a Porsche?

Yeah. See, I call it a Porsche because I don't, I'm not on that level. You're not a Porsche guy yet, man. I'm not a Porsche. When you own a Porsche, you can say Porsche.

When you're an owner, you say Porsche. Yeah. That's the first page of the manual. Now you can say, uh, at the end there. No, there's so many amazing ones, right? It's just like, it's what you like. It's what you gravitate towards. And the only way, I always tell people, because my friends will know that I like cars,

and they'll be like, what should I get? I'm like, dude, do the test drives. Don't do it off of like the photo. Drive the car. Because if you drive like five to ten, let's say, performance cars, there's going to be one where you're like, this feels amazing to you. That's the one you should get. Do you drive it when you test drive a Porsche?

Not there. Do you do it like on a racetrack or do you just do it on the streets? No, they don't usually let you do it. I mean, there's like, I really feel like I'm like an auto journalist today. There are a couple places. You know how many, there's going to be like the car guys out there who are going to be so fucking annoyed about this. Actually.

Actually. No, but like, for example, Porsche does have this thing called the Porsche driving experience. So there's one in LA, there's one in Atlanta. So you can go and actually drive that car on tracks for a day, right? But that's not like a sales thing. That's just supposed to be like driving experience. So there's one in LA, there's one in Atlanta. So you can go and actually drive that car on tracks for a day. But that's not like a sales thing. That's just supposed to be like an experience. But most of the time, no. The only place that I got to drive a car insane on roads

was I was on the road in North Carolina. And I was like, hey, I want to check out a Porsche. It was a 981. It was a Cayman. And I thought they were going to do your regular. They go up to this light, make a right, and then come back. And this guy was like, all right, we're going to go off on these side roads here. And I was like, for real?

And then we're on windy open roads. And he goes, punch it. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? He's like, yeah. And I'm doing on a bend at like 100 miles an hour. He's like, there's no cops out here, man. I'm doing it. I was like, yeah, and I'm like doing, I'm like on a bend at like 100 miles an hour. He's like, there's no cops out here, man. I'm doing it. I was like, all right.

And I took it back to the dealership, flew back to LA and bought it. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess like a real test drive led to. I thought you were going to say, you know, Germany or fucking. No, I wish.

No, most of the times like in LA, it's the worst because in LA you pick up the car on like fucking Doheny and Beverly and they're like, in L.A., it's the worst. Because in L.A., you pick up the car on, like, fucking Doheny and Beverly. And they're like, go up to this light. Yeah, 25 feet. Stop. Take a right. Go up this.

Don't rev it too loud. There's neighbors here. And then you just, you drive it, like, 100 yards. And they're like, do you like it? And you're like, I don't know. I see, like, there's Lamborghinis, like, actually around here in this neighborhood I've seen a couple times. And it's just like, for what, man? This is a actually around here in this neighborhood I've seen a couple times. And it's just like, for what, man? Well, this is a terrible city.

The worst. Like, have a crazy performance car. It's so stupid. I mean, why would you do it? The only time, right on the Hudson River on the West Side Highway, late at night. Sure. You can whip. And then it's cool because you're, like, on the river.

You see the bridge. It's like, you know, a couple miles. And that's it. But you're dated, eh, shit? No, never. It's terrible. And parking in garages and, you know, I mean, and, you know, like, six inches from the ground. So any potholes, any anything, a couple miles. And that's it. But you're dated, eh, shit? No, never. And parking in garages and, you know, I mean, you know, like six inches from the ground. So any

potholes, any anything, you're fucked. I have friends here who have, like, their garage fees. I'm like, what? Oh, it's nuts, man. It's just nuts. I got in, I parked right by the garden, and I got in during COVID for 400 bucks, and that's, like, the deal of a life. I drove a fucking

Fiat like a gay ball because they did a deal where it was like if you lease a Fiat right now in New York City you can also get parking for 99 bucks a month in a garage

which the garages near me at the time were 750 bucks a month. Yeah, that's what I was hearing. So I was like this is a major fucking like discount so I just drove around

in my little Fiat. This is why most of America is like, I could never live in New York. Yeah, that was crazy. But they also, people come to New York and they'll come and you'll show them a good time for a weekend. And they'll leave and they'll be like, man, I couldn't live like this. Dude, I don't live like this. I was showing you a good time. I'm not out until 4 a.m. every fucking night.

But you were for a while, probably. Well, because you came, how old were you when you came here night. But you were for a while, probably. Nah. How old were you when you came here? When I first came here, I was 21. No, no, no. But the second time around. The second time around, I was 27, 28. From where?

Where did you move from? Boston. Okay. All right, all right. So, I mean, not that. It's actually strange. At my peak of drinking and partying, 24, 25, 26, yeah, we would be out until 3.30. Yeah, my sister lived here for like a decade.

My older sister did. And I would come visit. And I think it coincided with the fact that Sex and the City was on the air. That like all the women of that age were like, I'm going to live like that. Regardless of my income. I was going to say, nobody can live like that. And then she left New York and she was like, I have like $60,000 in credit card. I was like to say, nobody can live like that. And then she left New York, and she was like, I have like $60,000 in credit cards. I was like, what? And she was like, all I did was go out every night and just put it on cards.

I was like, you're – I mean, I get it, looking back, but she was always dressed in credit cards. Absolutely. There's a lot of fake ballers out here. Yeah. You cannot – you have to have a lot – you have to have a big job big paycheck yeah to live in like a nice apartment on your own and go out and dress nice like you know it takes real money sometimes i mean there are times i'm like you know we're doing pretty well now we're almost 15 years in at barstool like one of the early fucking people and i'm still like you know when's that paycheck

coming i gotta pay these bills you know what i mean it's like it's insane yeah no like when you're like yeah i'm I'm on my fifth car. I'm like, fuck. I drive a Hyundai, Tom. Least. Well, to be fair, to be fair, it's ninth. Ninth car. Tom just came in from.

Where do you even put these, Tom? Where do you even put your cars? Well, I have lifts in the garage. No, you don't. Yeah. Fuck. But this is a fucking real asshole move I'm going to tell you.

Oh, God. I'm actually having a thing built where when you'll drive up, the ground will open and the cars will go down into a garage. Slop.

Yeah. Yeah. So fucking stupid and gratuitous and awesome. The only reason I'm able to do that is that I'm doing

the Hulu Theater March 31st here in New York and you should get tickets. The only reason I'm able to do that is that I'm doing the Hulu Theater. March 31st here in New York, and you should get tickets. Is this still the I'm Coming Everywhere tour? Yeah, that goes on until 2023. Oh, my God, for real? Yeah. Oh, it really does?

It really does. Jesus. Because he's coming everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you're at home being like, is he coming on me? It's like, yes, he's coming. Dude, we just added dates in Northfield, Ohio, Los Angeles, Long Beach, Toronto, D.C., Wichita, Portland, Maine, Vegas, New York, Bakersfield, San Francisco, Sacramento, Fort Wayne, Cincinnati, Columbus, and Indianapolis.

Can I ask a question? Does that work? What? What you just did. Like, announcing it? Yeah, like, are there people at home being like, oh, shit, he said Portland. Actually, yes. Actually, yes, because.

Or Northfield. Like, if you're in a big city, you know it's coming. You think, like, when you have, like, a fan base from something, you're like, I said Portland. Or Northfield. If you're in a big city, you know it's coming. You think when you have a fan base from something, you're like, I said the thing once. So now they know. And then you realize, once you pay attention to, let's say Instagram is where I probably post the most. You realize when you post there,

every time you post, someone's like, oh, you're coming to Houston? And you're like yeah I announced it months ago and it sucks because I feel like because I do have

and then you'll leave Houston and people will be like how come you never come to Houston but then I was like there's the

assholes who are like who do hear they listen you know the diehard fans and they hear everything it's like

we're good we got you but they're also like I've heard this a thousand times. Like, will you fucking listen to every single thing we do? I got to get to some of the normal people. Yeah, that's the hardcore fan. Yeah.

But then you have like your, you know, your casual fan or someone who like just doesn't check your posts every day. Every single day, yeah. They're catching it that way. People that exist, how dare they. Yeah, I know. I mean, the same thing. It's like you can't, that's the real thing is you cannot market kind of enough.

Enough, yeah. In different ways. Right. Right. I mean, yeah, you and Bert really are, I think, like top notch when it comes to that. He's the best at it. Yeah. As marketing, he's the promo – he does promos.

He does them on the fly. One take. You know, you remember like he hosted that Travel Channel show for you guys. Yeah. So like when he, when he's host mode, Oh yeah. He can,

he can just like, he faces the camera and does like a, a wrap up. Like he used to do on his TV show. Yeah. That was brilliant. A little penis out. Yeah.

It's so comfortable being naked. Well, you know, I got a bone to pick with this motherfucker. Yeah. Um, when you guys did an episode a couple weeks ago, and he was talking about how long his balls were.

Yeah. So he showed it to you, and I think you said, like, those are knee knockers, man! And so I... We have talked very... We talk a lot on this show about long balls.

Really? Particularly that we have – yeah, because we both have long balls. But you know when you have a long ball day. Like sometimes you have long ball days. That's because I don't have a – I don't think of myself as having long balls, but I have days. Days, right. And when I have a day, I feel like they're scraping the ground. My days are – yeah, I got armadillo days. But, like, I got other days where they're fucking – they're knocking me.

They're like – I'll sit on them all the time that whole day. Yeah. I've seen them do the, like, ah, fuck, sat on it. Yeah, just like a little, I'll do this in a chair. I'll kind of rotate and one will roll down a hill and bam, it gets split. That's like that Mr. Belvedere story. Mr. Belvedere? Remember the sitcom Mr. Belvedere?

Yes. So there was a week where they had to push the shoot because at the table read he sat on his balls. And Adam Sandler was the guest star on that episode, so he's the one that put the story out there. No fucking way. Mr. Belvedere himself or someone else on the show? No, Mr. Belvedere

bruised his balls sitting on them, and they were like, we're not going to shoot today. Like, this is my Jordan flu game. No, man, I can't. So I texted Bert. And now Bert, when he came through once, he was like, take down my number.

We don't text often, very infrequently, but it's usually when he sold out Red Rocks. I was like, hey, congratulations, man. And there's been a few times where I've said something. Are you coming through, or do you want to come by? And he just doesn't reply, which is fine. Whatever. But and I sent him this.

And it's a tough one to get a wild text to send. I gotta see how long your nuts are. I feel like I've got the longest balls on record. I need to understand what we're talking about. To send that to a man who you really talk to very infrequently and not get any reply is pretty fucking tough.

That one hurts. I get that. And you know what's even worse than that is what we've learned. We put this on our last episode. We made all of our promo clips laughing about it. Still nothing. Not even an acknowledgement. I don't need to see the balls anymore.

I almost just need a ha-ha being funny, man. Now it's just like he's sitting at home being like, those guys won't stop fucking talking about my sack. Let me see. Are you pulling up the nuts?

I'm asking him for a picture. Josh Potter DM'd me and he was like, he's like, look, he just hasn't seen that text. He's not a big text guy. He's like,

if he saw that text, he would. I almost hope he did though. I'd rather him be like, fucking weirdo. This has become now like three episodes in a row. We're just begging to see Bert's balls. We had another guy, he said...

He's the worst, by the way, at responding. Oh, yeah? All right, so we'll go with that. No, it's not even we'll go with that. He's the fucking worst. Which is funny to me. There's times where I've been like, hey, dude, you have to answer this. And he's like, sorry, I just got back.

And really, Two Bears is the perfect name for it because it's more like one bear. You want to show a big, dumb, drunk bear. He's the biggest fucking idiot of the time. I love him, but there's like there's no way what do you think is the dumbest Burt Griger moment

in your estimation like for your career like was there one specific time where you gotta be fucking kidding me what was Vince Carter's best windmill

I don't know he dude it's hard to say I don't know he's just you know he he really is like a big child. Yeah.

It's not like a fucking persona. Right. You know, I'll text his wife and be like, is he around his phone? Or do you know where he'll be? She'll be like, I'll tell you. He's going to be like, it's like you're wrangling a child. God bless Leigh-Anne being married to it. It's like, I know. Fucking, you're married to it in a a wrangling child. And her, God bless Leigh-Anne, be married to it. It's like.

I know. Fucking, you're married to it in a way, too. You guys are nuts. Yeah. I'm reluctantly laughing at all of this. Yeah, he is the bird. I see a lot of distinct parallels. He is the bird. A lot of drinking, a lot of childlike behavior.

It is. Oh, oh, oh, I took, I didn't even text you guys because I wanted to show it to you in person. I have a scene where I've been sleep eating a lot, nonstop. What? I sleep eat. Like. What's that? Like, I wake up and I just go through like, I'll wake up and

He'll wake up like no pants on, like drawers all opened, like empty cartons of ice cream just like floating around and he's like what just happened? Dude, this weekend on Friday night or Saturday night, I went to, I got up and apparently I got peanut butter cups in my sleep.

And I fell asleep. Oh, my God. No, you shit. Let's see. You shit everywhere. Oh, my God. You don't even know that you did this? I woke up.

I actually, I woke up. I didn't have a shirt on. It's wild. I've never been around a sleepwalker, and my five-year-old is sleepwalking. No way. Really? It's fucking wild. I caught him the other day.

Caught him walking into the kitchen. I'm like, what are you doing? Because it was like 1130. He was like, oh. I go, go to bed. He's like, okay. And he started to go the wrong way. I go, where are you going?

He's like, what? I go, your room's down here. He was like, oh. And I followed him into his room. He walks into the closet, pulls his pants out, starts peeing. I go, hey! I go, this isn't the toilet.

He was like, huh? I was like, oh, this, because I also found him on the couch like a week ago. I was like, what are you doing out here, man? Sounds like we're talking about like a puppy or something. I know. I was going to say,

it sounds like you're talking about like an older man. He's like, he's sleepwalking, and you see it, and you're like, is this real? Because you always hear about it, but to actually watch someone do it, I've never been around somebody. I'm a big talker, walker, everything.

It's very funny you're saying this, because we saw you at the 9-11 special at MSG. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you were talking about your son. I think you said he sounds a lot older. I don't want to use bits or whatever. And having that on top of it is fucking. He's got a raspy voice. He's like, hey's like he wears fucking

the fuck's up he's like rad he wears knee high pac-man socks and an adidas track jacket and he'll be like

no way hey I'm like you're a cool little fuck dude where does that come from are you like have you been I hate the word grooming,

but like, training him to do that? Christina's definitely getting him in the Adidas gear. Yeah, that helps. When the mom is cool, it helps.

Because I think if you, you know, if you're like a single dad, like there are times I want to let Keegan rock like what the fuck ever he wants, but it's like,

all right, we got to be like somewhat of respectable humans here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, his mom has like some style too, so she's putting him in cool sneakers and stuff. I'm like, all right, cool.

This kid is like, man. He likes Pac-Man so much that sometimes he'll go out and he has a Pac-Man t-shirt, Pac-Man socks, a Pac-Man hat, and Pac-Man shoes. Just Pac-Man down, top to bottom. What's up, man? He's like, I like Pac-Man.

That's pretty cool man he uh they they were telling a story recently where he walks up to burt and he was like here you want a cup of water oh my god and like and burt's like uh i i know he's like you take a sip of it first and he's like no man no i'm not doing it he had fucking scooped it out of the toilet. The worst was that I fucking go, I go, is this toilet water? And he was like, no. And I go, tell me the truth. And I was like, look at me.

And I go, tell me the truth. He goes, it's not. And I was like, I go, I believe him. And then Bert was still like, I don't know. So I go to the bathroom, and you could see the water trail from the toilet. And I was like, like dude he was like yeah

wait how did you a pathological liar how did your brain know right away to go with that toilet water is this like a thing he does I it's like that he came

from the bathroom and he was like Bert drink this yeah that's just a weird thing and Bert was like what where'd you get that and he was like I got you some water

would be a weird thing for a he's five he's thing for a... He's five? He's five. For a five-year-old to, like, offer a guest a cup of water. He's clever. Like, he goes, I'm gonna make a sandwich. And I go, okay. And he goes, I need some privacy. And I was like, alright.

And so I left, and then I see him, he goes, see? I got a sandwich. And I go, yeah, good job, man. And then I went to make sure he put things away, and there were fucking candy wrappers. So he was eating candy in the pantry. Making a sandwich. Did he make anything?

He did. He did. He did make it, but he had a kid. He didn't make it. I was like. Yeah, that's fucking. They're conniving, man. Yeah, man.

My daughter has been telling. So she's either with her nanny or mom or her dad, and she kind of like plays everyone off each other where she will tell – so all she's been eating for like four straight years is chicken nuggets because she tells like the nanny, oh, I had a hamburger at grandma's house. No, we didn't. You come to grandma's house. Oh, we had like chicken there.

So everybody just thinks like, oh, well, then I'll give you the chicken nuggets. And she knows. And she got caught in a lie the other day, and she was like, hmm. I can hear him in earshot sometimes. He'll be like, mom, can I have, you know, chicken nuggets? And she'll be like, no. He'll come in, and he'll be like, mom said yes. I'm like, I heard her.

Lies. It is crazy the shit you think, like, I did it from five until fucking still today. The shit you think you get away from with your parents. Oh, yeah. When you're like, like, I thought I invented that. I was positive I invented, like, saying dad said it was okay when he did. Well, it's because we're all, like, self-serving. Everybody is.

And from an early age. Yeah, you want what you want. When Shay said to me the other day I said don't tell your mom and she said okay you don't tell her either though I'm like okay yeah don't worry

I'm an adult I know how to lie you're the fuck we got nuts I go you got a picture of your balls from behind and he goes I should you said from behind

yeah that's what the picture was from behind he was bent over yeah I should did he go like that he took it or someone else took it what happened was He was bent over. I should. I got to scroll through the... Did he go like that?

He took it or someone else took it? What happened was he was bent over and facing away, backing up. I don't know if it was on his bus or whatever. Okay. And one of the crew was either... I think they were filming. So they paused the video to show me. And I was like, whoa, dude.

He's backing out. And you just see the balls from their origin, like, almost to the back of his knees. Their origin. They looked like a 90-year-old man's balls. They looked so, so crazy. They looked like a pig's balls. Have you seen a pig's balls? Yes.

Unfortunately, yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. They were really gross, man. Like, if that was you, would you show them? Like, if you saw that there was, like, a... Like, if you were like, oh, my God, look at that. I always feel like if I had something, like, I don't know, as a guy,

you're like, if I had, like, a really impressive dick or balls, not that, like, now we're in a time where people are like, don't say this, but I feel like I would show them a lot more. Definitely, though. If I had a crazy dick, I'd be like, check this thing out. Put it on the table. I'd have all the party tricks. Yeah, why not?

The wristwatch and all those things, the cliche things. I mean, I'd ask for consent. But I'd do it out. Because no one's going to say, no, it happened to us just the other day uh we were on our friend's podcast and he was like before you leave you want to see my balls and we're like yeah absolutely they were they were so normal that i was like why are you asking people i thought they're gonna be cool or big or crazy they were just those look like my fucking balls man and then it was weird i mean he's he's doing the show it's two guys. They're like on purpose being ridiculous.

But I was like, he even pulled them out from the side of his costume and went like that. You know, like, yeah, they're just balls. Sorry, I wish they were better. Yeah. I was like, why are we even doing this? Yeah, why did he? He's just like, I just need a guy to tell me my balls look nice. Just a sack, man.

Did you give him a nice compliment? I just said, they look like balls, man. I did say they look like they could be mine. Enough of a compliment there. That was my... I forgot about this. How I was very into showing my balls back in the day. Back with nudes, I would always draw on my balls.

Yeah. And I would send pictures like that. On them or on the phone? No, no. Like my skin would be drawn on. Like eyes, ears, nose, mouth? Wait, say what? Like a girl would be like, oh, can I have a nude?

And I'd be like, oh, yeah, here you go. And like there was one where it was just like my nuts. I fisted my nuts. And then it was like so it was real tight. And I had a smiley face on it. But the one I liked better was I had my nuts on either side of my shaft. And then I had drawn a rather intricate butterfly wings on both of my balls. And it was like, this is kind of a pretty picture.

Yeah. This is, those are artistic nudes. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it is. It's a very creative idea. What was her response? I, they Yeah, it is. It's a very creative idea. How was her response? It was not poorly received. It wasn't as well received as I'd like it to be.

Did you never send pictures? Or you always sent drawings? No. Would you send regular ones? I'd send regular ones, too. Yeah, but sometimes I'd just spice it up a bit. Well, you got also, hey, look at the fucking wacky picture instead of look at the rather unimpressive dick and balls.

Yeah, it's just the dick. You've seen this dick on 50,000 different guys. Yeah. It was just a regular old penis. There's nothing to write home about, you know? Yeah. Like, you're not getting the group text treatment from, which is a good thing, by the way, too, though. Because you could be in the group text with the girls, like, oh, my God, you showed me his dick, and, like, it's small or it's terrible.

I never sent a pic. I think I missed the cutoff, you know, of, like, know of like when you've never sent a dick pic never yeah i guess you wouldn't really right if you were to send christina a dick pic she would just like it would be a joke right i mean if you were trying to be like sexy would it ever would it work i think the kids are the kids are at grandma's house tonight like i always had that thing though that you were like that like goes like don't send photos of your genitals to anyone. You're smart. Like, just don't. Oh, you have a brain.

That's nice. It must be fun to live that world. That got left at the factory for me. I don't know. It is one of those things. I do think we've crossed over into like, no one cares anymore. I don't think. I certainly hope because it's inevitable.

Everyone except Tom. Where it's like, yeah, I know. You put your news out there. And it is, this has been said to death, but, like, it is the best version of yourself. Yeah. Right? They're not Bert's nuts on the bus, like, from a bad angle. It's like, this is.

You try to fluff it up and give it the color. This is as good as I can be. Yeah. And then you do different, like, you look for the best angle. What do you do? Do you go side? Well, you know what the key is? I haven't done one in a. Yeah. And then you do different, like you look for the best angle. What do you do? Do you go side? Well, you know what the key is? I haven't done one in a long time.

The key is you do like a three quarters. Ah. Because then it leaves a little to the imagination. Like that might get really big. Oh, right. There could be like several more inches. And it's like, it's not. It just goes a little.

Yeah, yeah. The angle goes up. That's about the width and girth of it all. But yeah. But yeah. You're going to get some lighting, some colors. You change. I've been off the game for a bit.

Really? I think it's become passe. I think you've got to start drawing on nuts again. I think your drawing thing is really a good idea. I would adopt that. With a marker? Yeah, usually a marker. Pen's a little... You take a photo of a piece of paper and you're like,

here's what it is. You take a photo of the piece of paper, and you're like, here's what it is. Wait, what's that? You take a photo of the paper. No, it's not on paper. It's on my skin. You're drawing on your balls. Oh, so it's like just a more colorful approach. Yeah, well, it's like, so the wings, were the wings the balls, or the balls were... The balls, the wings were drawn on the testicles.

Oh, I thought you were tracing your balls. No, no, no, no, no. I was drawing on the penis. I thought that was like some Picasso-level shit. I was like, wow. Tracing. Be like, I thought you were tracing your balls. No, no, no, no. I was drawing on the penis. I thought that was like some Picasso level shit. I was like, wow. Tracing, be like, here's your dick pic, baby.

It's a fucking outline of my cock. Yeah, it's basically like a dick pic from the 1800s. Right. Here you go. I drew it for you. Are you going to flip

Book of Ourselves Getting Hard? Yeah. Would you, do you say dick? Is that your, we talked about this last episode of like,

what terminology are you using out there? I mean, usually dick. To me, cock is really aggressive. Yeah. You can say it, but... We said that you almost have to have a cock. Oh, right. I don't think guys like us can be like, my cock.

Because it's like, we have penises. Right. You know? I almost have a P9. Yeah. Right, right. Like, almost have a P9. Yeah. Right, right. Like, if you say cock, you better back it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? No, a cock, you need, like, a doggy bag to go home with. Right? I know I don't have a cock. But, like, Patrick Ewing has a cock. Oh. Like, when there are stories about you taking it out of the toilet when you shit or taping it to your leg when you play,

that might even be, we might need something higher than cock, but, like, that's a cock. You know what you have. The fact that, if you're listening to this, you know what you have, dude.

I mean, sometimes, like, I've never had, I've never been, like, insulted. Like, you know, no one's ever been like, is this it? But, like,

but you know. But you're also not impressed. You're not blowing anyone away. Right? No. You know? No. My best bet is that it's, I think I have a good looking dick. Oh, that's nice. You know, it's like, you know, it's not weird looking. Yeah.

It's not like it has like bumps and lumps and colors and shit. It's just like, it's got a head. You know? Yeah. If you close your eyes and picture a dick, it's my dick. Yeah, right. It's kind of just like good. That's what I'd rather that than like a freak show. Mine's like the American Medical Association measurements.

But it's pretty solid, man. Sometimes I see those numbers that it's like the average man is like 5.2. I'm like, okay. That's cool. It's fine. It's just fine. We asked this to Bert when he was on fairly recently and we had talked about your potential fantasy threesome with Adriana Cheche.

Who, by the way, just turned 30 yesterday. Happy birthday. I thought she was older than that. Yeah, 30? Yeah. I mean, she started probably when we should not have been watching her. I thought she was. No, she's been in the game a minute, man.

Yeah, but I think she was early 20s. But I honestly, I think just because of her personality, maybe because she's a little mean, it seems. I always thought she was like... She's very intimidating. Yeah. I don't think she's mean, but she will fucking scare you. Those words mean the same thing to me.

Yeah, okay. If you're intimidating, I just consider you mean. But I always thought she was like early to mid 30s. And she just had her 30th birthday. We asked Bert, what are you buying for your strap-on? Yeah. early to mid 30s and she just had her 30th birthday we asked Burt what are you buying for your strap on yeah

are you going with your regular size or are you going like a little something different I'm going fucking gorilla style I mean she's a savage

she's an animal I heard who was it? Another porn star I heard talking, saying Adriana Cechik has never watched her own porn because she's appalled with herself. She's appalled with herself? She's like, I go to a place that's so disgusting when I do it that I can't believe that that's me, so I can't even watch it. Wow. That's fucking awesome.

That's like, I can't even watch game tape because I'm so fucking good. You know what I mean? I'll be honest. I've only seen like clips for a few seconds and I'll be like, oh, I can't run with this. Bro, Tom, she has a whole video where she pushes bocce balls out of her asshole.

Bocce balls, Tom. I watch it not even out of like, I'm not turned on. It's just morbid curiosity. I'm sitting there like, what's the diameter of those things? And what if one doesn't come out? You know, like, what if you run out of gas? It's crazy, man. She really lets herself go.

Absolutely. She's like, when she shoots points, it's like an NFL game where they have, like, surgeons on the sideline. Ready to go. Just in case something happens. They put her in one of those tents, you know? Or even worse, it's like a horse on the track. We pull up the thing

and have to put her down for what happened in there. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking, she's, If you got the green light from Leanne and Christina, do you really think

you could actually pull it off? Because that's a whole other, it's one thing to be like, our wives won't let us, but I bet if your wives were smart, they'd be like, yeah,

green light. Green light. Go ahead. And I bet smart, they'd be like, yeah, green light. Go ahead. And I bet both of you would be like, no, never mind. And I wouldn't blame you. The answer is the two of us would not pull it off together. There's no way. You could, right?

Well, we would laugh. Yeah. And we would be looking at each other and we'd be like, look at them. Look at how long balls. Look at how bad we look. We're so fucking... I mean, the dominatrix thing was you know

the first step of it. Yeah. You know it was a laugh fest. It was a joke. There's no way. I mean doing

it one on one like it's so different than being like hey buddy let's go DP this shit. It's wild. To be looking at

Burt and you know Burt would be like just he'd be giggling the whole time and doing that laugh. You know what I mean? Like, he could barely get through a podcast, let alone a fucking, a fuckfest. Oh, yeah.

I had a buddy who we, with a girl, we were like, all three of us were like, we're going to do a DP. And for like a year, me and my one buddy kept being like, I can't make it tonight. The girl said yes? Yeah, she was in our, like, it was a full thing, fully planned until it was like, hey, guys, you want to come over tonight? And we're like, ah,'t make it tonight. The girl said yes? Yeah, she was in our, like, it was a full thing, fully planned until it was like, hey, guys, you want to come over tonight? And we're like, ah, I'm busy tonight. And we just did that for a year until she was like,

you know what, fuck you guys, I'm getting married. And did you each of her, did each of you hook up with her individually or no? I don't know if he ever did, I did, yeah. You did. Yeah. So fucking funny, just getting married. It was the pressure of the friend, though, right?

That's what, I mean, that's obviously what keeps you from doing it. It was, the friend, it was like my best friend, so it was like the friend was the appealing thing. It was like, all right, we're all comfortable. We're good. And then, I guess, yeah, it got to the point where I'm like, I don't know, man. I've seen you in the shower, but I don't know if I've ever seen you hard. I've seen Burt naked way more than I want to, but I still, like, but I don't want to see him, like, hard and pounding in, like, you know, his eyes.

Yeah, the face. See, Burt Crusher's O-face, like, no fucking thing. I don't want to go to the gym with you, man, and, like, seeing you sweat. Let alone, like, being, touching your sweat. Because you're going to touch. It's going to happen. Definitely. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, at some point. And also how hard Adriana would be laughing at it. Oh, yeah. She'd be like, this is so adorable. You guys. Boys. I got fucked harder by people on estrogen pills. You know she'd be like slapping you guys too, like just beating you up.

I would get to the point, I think, if I was fucking Adriana Ciacic. I'd be like, I'd cry. I'd be like, it hurts. You need to fucking stop yelling at me. Emotionally, I'm in pain right now. Jesus Christ. How has the Come On Everybody, I'm Coming Everywhere tour been? I feel like you guys both have hit your stride, really, career-wise, touring-wise.

Would you agree with that? Yeah. As a fan, it feels like, all right, they are fucking killing the game. It's on fire. Touring has been wild for Burt and for me, and it's a lot, dude. I mean. I actually, it's weird because I always worked a lot, even when I was not selling any tickets.

You just worked. You did it to make a living. Now it's like, part of it is that I took such a long time off with the COVID and with the pandemic that now I was like, yeah, let's just do a fucking crazy tour. And now I'm like,

I have to look at this thing week to week because if I look at the full scale of it, it's so overwhelming. Oh my God, full scale of it it's so overwhelming oh my god i would never it's to be like to be like i can't even handle when i'm like all right it's gonna be a big week like we got like a lot of interviews i gotta do several podcasts oh yeah i just gotta make it to friday you're like i just gotta make it to like january 24 like that's fucking insane and we're doing like, you know, full podcast schedules. Yeah.

And like all the tour. Yeah. I'm sure other projects mixed in. You hope like a movie here and there. It's daunting. It is. And then you can't complain about it because, you know, like, well, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

It's self-imposed. You're making so much money. What I'm saying is like, you know, you still have to try to find like some way to balance. The good thing is the shows are a blast, and I'm bringing friends to, not just even friends to open, but friends to hang out. So just to make it like a more fun hang. So yeah, all that part of it is great.

I'm just like, I'm trying to enjoy it too. You have to remind yourself that it's really fun, but the this the shows in the and the the cities kind of go pat like god we were just there and you try to like enjoy things you know make it i feel like it's almost uh what is it ray lewis always said like you know you pay me for you pay me for monday saturday like sunday i give you for the shows sunday yeah like the fans are paying tickets for your fucking plane and your travel absolutely hotels and all that shit all the bullshit the shows are are never a for your fucking plane and your travel and your hotels and all that shit.

All the bullshit. The shows are never a drag to do. And how much, when you do that long of a tour, by the end of it, let's say fast forward to like summer of 22, will you have a whole new act? It'll be a lot different. It'll be a lot different. Because then there's things that like the topical stuff just naturally falls away. Then there's like those bits where you go, I cannot muster the false enthusiasm of telling this again. So it just naturally goes away and you naturally replace it. Right.

But it just kind of like phases in and out, right? It takes like if you saw the show tonight, it would be, you know, one thing. And then if you saw it in six months, you'd be like, oh, it feels like it's 20% or 30% different. And then six months later, it would be like half to three quarters different. Crazy. Yeah. And it's just a boatload of fucking money, isn't it? It's so much money.

I just can't even imagine. It is uncomfortable. Is that why you, like, if it was me, I've been asking all the comics recently, like, why do you continue to do, like, Northfield, Illinois, or whatever, you know? It's a fucking surgeon's salary for one show. Okay. I'm happy you said that.

Because everybody else, everybody else has said, like, for the love of the game. No. Like, I'm pretty sure it's not that. No. Yeah, like, to just. No. I could go home and sit with my family for a night

or I could just do this again and make a fucking... You're like, I'm taking too many shows. And you get a call from your agent who's like, do you want to do this extra show? And you're like, no. And then they tell you the offer.

And you're like, am I a fucking asshole or something? That I'm going to be like, this extra show, and you're like, no. And then they tell you the offer, and you're like, am I a fucking asshole or something? Then I'm going to be like, hmm. Yeah. No. Right. I will turn down this fucking down payment on a goddamn condo for one show. Like, I'll do it. Like, you just take it.

For an act that you have memorized. Yeah. You're just doing your sleep, right? You can just, like, bang it out. By the time, like, by the time, like, my, so my tour right now in the fall slows, like, it stops mid-November, and I have six weeks off, right? But it's, like, but now the hour is, like, it is tight right now. In January, my tour goes absolutely bananas, like, through the spring. And, yeah, then it's just a matter of staying healthy.

So, like, I work out on the road. I bring a trainer on the road. I do all this stuff just to like stay healthy because doing the shows becomes just like, you know, like you can just do it, but you got to take care of yourself. So like that's the only thing I worry about. Yeah. That's got to be like the only thing we ever do on stage is live podcasts, but we just go up and wing it.

Yeah. And it's kind of scary because I'm like, I don't know. Sometimes our podcast is interesting. maybe live ones are live ones are challenge are different yeah and i'm like if i had like i know they're gonna laugh at this point and then i'm gonna do this thing and then this segment it's got to be like so much it's it's a fucking impossible to get to that point but once you have it it must feel like it's like batting practice right it's wild it's wild like when you just feel like so you honestly feel so fortunate to to like to be able to have people want to come out and see you do that yeah what you were doing anyway like what you were doing

for years and years and years where they were like we can't give away tickets to see you that's crazy yeah what was your break it was well the there's different little things. I mean, my first Netflix special came out in 2014. I shot it in 2013. And then Netflix was a much smaller platform. It was still significant in 2014, but much smaller. And so by the end of 14, I was selling out clubs. And I was like, this is wild. So I was actually making money, like a good living.

Right. And then it just has been a, like, making money. Like, a good living. Right. And then it just has been a, like, it's always been a gradual increase. You know? So there hasn't been, like, a... No. So, like, 2015, I was able to, like, sell out rock clubs. You know? And then...

I feel like that's a good way to do it. It is. I have had friends who go on the rocket ship. Yeah. Where, like, it just takes off crazy. And I feel like it's harder to manage. You're harder to handle. I've had such a slow rise where I've been able to adapt to every level.

Family, friends around you. Everything has been. You go from a nobody to selling out theaters and shit where it's like, oh, now I'm a different person. You know what I mean? I think I've been super lucky in that regard where it's like, oh, now I'm a different person. You know what I mean? I think I've been super lucky in that regard where it's been a climb, like a gradual climb. I'm always interested to find out, though, the more I learn about all of you guys,

all my favorite comics, you all do have, like, even when you tell that story relatively recently about doing a Subway commercial. Yeah. That was, like, several years ago when Jared was still around, right? And, you know, like Schultz and DiStefano did that fucking hockey show they were talking about recently.

Oh, I know Schultz was in that. Yeah, yeah. Nick, what was it called? Benders. Benders. It was DiStefano? Yeah, DiStefano and Schultz. Yeah, like season one

of a fucking hockey show. It was on the last two guys I would ever have been in hockey. But it's interesting that there's like, even when you guys, before you have all popped, like you were doing auditioning for some shit. Everything. But it's interesting that there's, like, even when you guys, before you have all popped, like, you were doing auditioning for some shit.

Everything. Yeah. You're just trying to, like, dude, when you start doing stand-up, especially because we were, like, Bird, myself, those guys are, like, we're stand-ups, right? Yeah. Like, that's what you do.

You know, when you're a middle act, you get $100 a show. And I'm saying on the road. And that means most clubs, you do a six-show weekend, and they don't cover your travel, and you don't work every weekend. Yeah. So, like, if you're working two weekends a month,

it's $1,200 for the month. Jesus. And so you're like, yeah, I'll do, like, you're taking odd jobs, side jobs. Right. There's an audition. You're like, yeah, I'll go on the audition. Like, you're doing every little thing just to, like, keep being able to do stand-up you're just trying to

keep being able to do stand-up you know what do you think uh i feel like recently i've had this like revelation or not me personally but the industry like i think you can just be a podcaster now you definitely can but but in the sense of like i feel like so many comics are like i have to do a special or i have to be on stage. I have to do something live. And it's like, if you're just good at podcasting, you should just do that. In this day and age, you can just do that. Now, it's great to be able to do podcasting and stand up.

If you're a stand up. Yeah. Or even do stand up. But the idea of like, I have to do a special or it's like. Yeah, no. Don't. If your podcast fucking is legit. If you're good at podcasting and that takes off and you happen to be a stand-up, it is a magic formula.

Right. Like, you don't have to do other things unless you want to. Right, right. But even that, it's like sometimes I feel like, you know, you want to, but it's like, just stick with what's good, man. Yeah. Because you're good at this off the cuff or whatever. Like, play that game, dude. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, almost like every comic should have one, too. If you're a comic, you should have a podcast. It's crazy. When I meet the ones that don't, I'm like... What is the point of not having one? It's a medium to be funny on. It's not just a medium to be funny on, but it's like

audiences now, they know you differently. They know you on a different level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were growing up, you didn't know Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock or Martin. You were just like, I see their show. Yeah. They're special.

But now if you're a podcaster, they get to know you in a way where it's making that fan performer relationship more intimate, which is what you want. I feel like you can tell different jokes, because they're going to know when I reference my kids, my family, my whatever. They'll know it on a whole other level. And you're going to be having these conversations with your friend or your family.

Might as well press fucking record and make some money off of it. Yeah, yeah. And your mom's house is... Is the plan to almost do something like Barstool here, like where you bring in people and kind of like you're the boss, if you will? Yeah, I mean, well, we have like a studio that's being built, you know, and then we're going to be producing podcasts that we're not on. Right. So in that regard, yes.

But I mean, I don't think we would ever, our goal was never be like Barstool in the sense that the size, the scale, scope of Barstool, but it is in the sense that we want to be like, have a handful of things that fit under our brand, our umbrella, that makes sense for what we do and produce and distribute those shows. Would you exclusively do stuff that makes sense for what we do. Sure. And produce and distribute those shows. Would you exclusively do, like, stuff that makes sense in your brand?

Because, like, we have shit now that, like, doesn't really make sense. No. Like, would you do other stuff? We do. I feel like I have to start by saying only do stuff that makes sense. Yeah. You know? I feel like you have to grow to a point where you go, like, yeah, there's stuff that you

wouldn't do. It used to kind of be, like, we need, like, guys who are talking about sports and shows because I know what's funny. I know what's going to work. And now it's like, yeah, we'll do a cooking show and the girls can do their celebrity gossip. I don't think we would – I just don't think that we would be that – it doesn't make sense for the size of our operation to be doing that. But I feel like us producing stuff that's in our lane that we go like, no, we would put our stamp on this because it feels like it fits what we do. It's a show I'd appear on.

It's a show I'd listen to. Exactly. And Fat Astronauts is going to be a thing one day, right? Yeah? In the works? Officially? I can't say. Wow.

Wow. That's awesome. Wait, you know what? I feel like the last, I forget if it was you or Bert last time you were on, you were talking Christmas presents, or was it birthday presents? Birthday presents. Where you were going to really one-up him. Well, we were trying to one-up each other.

Right. But you said you were taking it to another level, I think. When's his birthday? His birthday is in two days one-up each other. Right. But you said you were taking it to another level, I think. When's his birthday? His birthday is in two days. Oh, shut up! Yeah. So you've done it already, or no? I've done it already, yeah.

I've done it. It's done. He's still reversing it. He doesn't know. No. Can you give us any hints? It costs a fucking lot. What's the number?

Give me a ballpark. Or a comparable. Fuck, man. Or just say the fucking number, you pussy. We can beep it out of the episode. Yeah, just tell us. Nick, beep it. It's a little...

That is fucking awesome. And what was last time's? Because last time's was like the electric bike no? yeah it's like what man it's like yeah

so you went up like you went up like 15x bro and now for your birthday he has to spend more

yeah because that's what's funny you're just doing this for yourself my birthday present is going to be by grand now you guys are going to he got me a Sea-Doo

like a jet ski yeah that's a cool gift that's also such a good gift like relatively speaking I would imagine you're not going to me he got me a Sea-Doo like a jet ski yeah that's a cool gift too that's also such a good gift like relatively speaking I would imagine you're not gonna go out and buy a Sea-Doo for yourself right

you might you're buying cars and shit but it's a cool like this is a luxury to have that's a very and it's super rad it puts a smile on your face like it's fucking fun man

do you do it often cause that's something I could see like I do it like once and then I'm like oh yeah I'm gonna do this like every weekend it's kind of that I mean I was doing it a lot I had surgery on my arm and they were like I do it like once and then I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to do this every weekend. It's kind of that.

I mean, I was doing it a lot. I had surgery on my arm and they were like – I was talking to the doctor. I was like, I just want to ask you if I could do a couple things. And he was like, okay. I go, can I – he goes, absolutely not. And I was like, can I – That's the last on the list. I go, can I like drive a car on a racetrack?

He goes, no. And I was like, can I shoot a gun? He was like, no. I was like, what can I do? And he was like, rest. Watch television. But I was like, no. I was like, what can I do? And he was like, rest. Watch television. But I just got clearance, so I can go back. Nice, nice.

What, like, genre, if you will, is this gift in? Is it a tangible thing? Is it a physical item? Is it an experience? No, it's an experience. Yeah, it's an experience. It's not a human porn star. It's not.

God. What if that was for free? I got you, Adriana, for your birthday. She said. That should be underpaid. If that was for real. For real. Yeah.

All right. Well, that's going to be very interesting. All right. So the I'm Coming Everywhere tour on sale from now until, like, Tom dies. What is it? YMHstudios.com? No, it's at TomSaguro.com. Oh, TomSaguro.com.

TomSaguro.com. All right. Checkaguro.com. TomSaguro.com. All right. Check it out. Get the dates. Two Bears, One Cave. Tom Talks. You're also like, are you? Is it a regular thing that you're on the road with Rogan and Chappelle?

No, no, no. They called me in July, and they were doing these Vegas ones when Vegas first opened up. And I jumped on. I was a special guest. It was fucking unbelievable. Before we go, tell me about that. You did the 9-11 and everybody was there too.

That was a cool experience. Unstaged with your own phones. There was something about... It was the weekend after July 4th. Where was that? Was that in Utah? That was in Vegas. In Vegas.

And so then I was like, yeah, I'll do it. So I flew out there. I did the shows, and I was like, holy fucking shit, man. Like, this was like, it was such, like, just. Spectacle. You can't, like, the energy. Sometimes you walk on stage

and you're like wow like what a reception but like that was 15,000 people and they went crazy and my sets were so fun so

I shouldn't like I really should not have taken the last two but I got invited they go do you want to do Nashville and New Orleans

like a week ago and with everything I'm doing Vegas, Nashville, New Orleans. Yeah. The three. I was like, I shouldn't, but I was like, it was too fun. Yeah.

You know? So I did. I did the two. And again, you're an unannounced special guest. So it's just like- Very cool. Jeff Ross had gone and done his set, Don L. Rollins, and then they go, we have another special guest, you know, like one of those things.

And then they announce you, and I get like get just to hear an arena pop for you. When you're up, it's like they're seeing the game as is. You're not the biggest star on that set. No, definitely not. So for you to get that. For you to get that. And it's a rush. You're doing 20 minutes.

And it's just, I don't know, you just kind of sit in the pocket and just have fun. Yeah. And then you watch how when those guys go on stage, the place goes just fucking bananas. Especially because they're both, have this controversy all the time. Yeah.

So it's like the fan base wants to support you even more. Absolutely. So the shows were, yeah, they were wild shows, man. Wild shows. I remember when Chappelle came out. I actually seen Chappelle come out twice at MSG recently. I saw the Foo Fighters concert where they kind of reopened live music, and then we were at the 9-11 thing.

And both times it was like, he's not even really a comedian anymore. He is. He's doing comedy, but he's like a demigod. He's like a celebrity rock star. He's just reached such a level that's like, I don't know, like you can't aim for that level. It's its own thing that just happened naturally where he's like, you know, he's a voice for people.

He's like giving a speech. He's like a philosopher king. Yeah. But then he still has great jokes. Like he's got, dude, he was doing, we were doing arenas, what, three weeks, a month after a special came out? And he was doing an hour set. That's crazy.

Just murdering. Really? Yeah. He was fucking murdering at these shows. And I was like, who can do, like. And he wasn't doing stuff from the closer? Nothing. No shit.

Nothing. No. Just like. Sometimes I almost wish he was just like, just do like a killing themselves type shit. Nothing. No. Just like... Sometimes I almost wish he was just like, just do like a killing themselves type set because it's like that, you know, that was the funniest shit I've ever seen. But to see, it's almost like he's beyond just jokes in a way.

Yeah, it's just like a constant evolution. It's almost like this is child's play to me. His commentary on things. But then like, you know, he'll say something just super poignant, like right on the nose, and then still hit a joke. Make you laugh, yeah. He actually has developed almost his own style, which is like commentary philosophy and then joke.

I say that about Kanye. I'm like, I don't even think Kanye West is a rapper anymore. I don't know what music. He makes Kanye music, where it's like his own thing. His own thing. It's like Chappelle just has his own brand of comedy and speech. You can't like, and it's also impossible to, like, copy. No.

Imagine you're getting up there trying to do, like, you know, let me smoke a cigarette and, like, lean on the speaker and just, like, fucking... Well, if you tried to do a cigarette out on stage, people would tackle you. Well, I remember at the comedy store, it's like, you know, that's California. They don't fuck around with cigarettes anywhere in California.

Anywhere. Let them. He's just walking in the hallway with a cigarette. And you're like, I don't fuck around with cigarettes anywhere in California. Anywhere. Let them? He's just walking in the hallway with a cigarette. And they're like, I don't know. Stay for a while. Well, I love that. It's such a simple response when he said, like, somebody was like, you can't smoke a cigarette. He said, no, you can't smoke a cigarette.

It's so easy. If you have that to flex, I guess you gotta pull it out. I don't even want a cigarette right now, but I can, so I will. Yeah, yeah. All right, man, I appreciate it. You got some time to answer the internet? Yeah.

All right, we'll go next door and answer some stupid questions. Tom Segura, one of the best in the biz. His kid sounds like he'd be a motherfucker. Dude, he's the... Hey, what's up? I didn't want to do all those bits that he did with the 9-11 thing, but God, that was so funny. Is that how a jerk gets his kid off?

Not a jerk. We had a jerk shout-out with this kid, right? Yeah, but at the end, he thing. Yeah. But God, that was so funny. So jerk his kid off? Not jerk, we didn't jerk, just shower with his kid. Yeah, but at the end, he's like, you gotta just grab it. Yeah.

I forgot about that, yeah. Why don't you relax, Tom? Because this kid's eye-hogging all the water. It is, go see Tom's new shows because it is

so fucking funny. It is fucking funny. All right, it's time for our second interview. Dermot Mulroney is on the show. His movie,

Hard Luck Love Song is on demand on November 9th. So check it out. Oh, look who it is. How you doing? How we doing? Well, can I hear you? Yeah, you good? Get the pelican out of the bag.

Yeah, wow, that's a piece of art. Come on. That was nice, yeah. No, no, give me a look at that guy. Let me see you. Let me see what we're working with here. Oh, bigger than expected. That's a fucking statement. They will get it.

It's a pelican. What's going on, man? Hey, how's it going? We're doing well. Have we met before? You guys, have I met you either at any time? Thank God, no, because if we had, I'd have killed myself. I think I would have remembered one of y'all. I hope.

That would have been horribly embarrassing if it was like, yes, Dermot, you've been on a show four times. Well, I've been tricked before. I have bad news for you. And this might be tough for you to hear. You're not british i thought you were british the whole time no here's what happened um see my folks they're from iowa they're not even from ireland or anything you know they just went nuts with the names yeah so it's it's not even not not even so much your name it's just

the name helps the name milroney you expect to be you know the name helps but you're a handsome gentleman you like you look you look regal you look like thank you i'm a little i'm a little mulledy at the moment but it's a sports show right we can we can roll with the mullet right now they're a hot they're a hot commodity for sure. It's not intended. I've always tried to not be in. How am I doing? Here's what happened. Sometime in the 2000s, word went out,

there's a shitload of money you can make over there in America. If you're one of these, okay, granted, great British actors, you've got the acting and the Shakespeare and stuff, but we got Hollywood and we pay better. So they came over, as the British have done for centuries, in their little boat, bags of gold, and they go back to their island in the North Atlantic. But there's been a sea change.

Here's what's happening. They've been coming over to play all the Americans, right? That seems to work fine because they've trained in accents and they can fake better than us. Right. That's what their wives say at least. Boom! Bang, bang, bang, bang!

Now I see what kind of show I'm in. I like coming home. Now what they need is American guys to go over there and be American. See? It doesn't go both ways. They can come over here and be American. See, it doesn't go both ways. They can come over here and play us. We encourage them to. Do we need to talk about outsourcing?

Big mistake economically. Probably only a billion dollars of actor salaries that went to England and Australia. Yeah, Chris Hemsworth has most of it. Am I wrong? But now they actually need the real, real deal Americans. Yeah, not the fake acting thing.

Right, I get that. Well, what if we hit them with a dose of their own medicine? Because I was thinking, I saw No Time to Die recently. Very nice film.

But Daniel Craig's last. They're in the market for a Bond. And I, I was like, I remember Rowdy. Why not? I know. Couldn't agree with a bond. And I was like, I remember Rowdy. Why not? I know. Couldn't agree with you more.

And you know what? But you've got to be the artist. On the same issue, you know, it's a lot about diversity as it should be now. Thank goodness we've moved into a different phase where so many other stories are being told. So wouldn't it be interesting to have a diverse bond like an American? So now you're not even going to fake the accent. I mean, it's even gonna be white and middle-aged and all that other crap but you know make him american it's a twist okay then he should be a woman or a person of color let's be honest i think either me or uh no never mind either me or one of the people that it ought to be

but if you can have an exception, I'm your man. Yeah, I mean, at the same time, though, not exactly, you know, you haven't been hurting for work in your career. Because when we were telling people we were interviewing you, everybody in the office yelled out a different favorite movie or show or character. I mean, you've done a lot, man, a lot of great shit. Well, that makes me really happy to know and that that you know that i've appealed to so many different types of stories and i've been used that way by producers and directors other actors who've stuck their neck out for me and made those opportunities happen um but yeah man i i can't begin to tell you what uh what i mean that's what i set out to do and i'm been i'm doing it which is to play

wildly different types of characters instead of all if you had been typecast in in some sort of like mega successful role that like you know where people can't look at you as any other character would that have would that bother you would that have been you know uh something you you were you resented well it all but happened um i just didn't get used again and again the same way after my best friend's wedding but i was viewed that way for a long time i resisted it to some extent which is kind of stupid looking back i should have just gone where they were saying we need you over here right the way but what i did instead was incredible movies that no one else got to do.

You know, that's one of the great things about film acting is it's a one off. You really do have the ownership creatively of that last length of that character's inception. Writer first, director next. And at the very end, before they put it in the can, you have some say in who that is in that story. So to be given that privilege all these different times and for so many different types of characters so i uh i definitely probably most known for light comedy and so forth these days i'm being used completely different sometimes maybe because of that to to be con shocking off yeah contrast to what i'm known for. Well, a little bit. But so now that's even made it more wider range of roles that I'm being asked to do.

The it does work because when I saw you on the trailer for Hard Luck Love Song out this Friday, October 15th, I gasped because like I would I was going to ask you, like, is there ever we were talking about different roles? Like, was there ever a role where you're like, hard? No, I won't do that. Not even the role, but like something that role requires. And I would have thought shaving the sides of your head would have fallen. And like, nah, I'm not doing that. Here I'm kind of back. It's not quite as extreme as old Rolo was in there, but I'll tell you what,

that is part what had caught me with that, that movie, Hard Luck Love Song. It's got such a great spirit and it really is rooted in american stories and american icons and it's got a country music base to it it's in that same kind of framework so i just love that stuff anyway i'd be drawn to that anyhow but our writer wrote it just like that with the haircut and the attitude and the pool scene the pool room scenes um with michael dorman and uh it turned out to be an incredible small role for me but i was in the pool scene, the pool room scenes with Michael Dorman. And it turned out to be an incredible small role for me, but I was gravitated toward it because I thought it was really cool.

You said that these are like, it's an American story. And that makes me feel better about like being obsessed with these kinds of stories. Those stories that kind of romance, romanticize alcoholism and like, and they kind of make a little bit of a nice like, alright, there's a little love story here but also, you're a drunk who gets in fights. That shit is just... I wasn't sure

you were going to say you like it or not. Oh, I love it. I like drunks too. I love them. I wish them all the best. See, we said that once to fucking David Duchovny. David Duchovny, I once told him, like Hank Moody and his character in Californication really kind of resonates with me.

And he was like dead serious, like that's not good. You shouldn't. And I was like, well, I know that, but jeez, I was just trying to have a good laugh about your character, man. Fuck. You shouldn't. And I was like, well, I know that, but geez, I was just trying to have a good laugh about your character, man. I'll tell you one. When I was on Jimmy Kimmel, I could put it in a year framework when I was still a drinker. He thought it'd be funny. Like he liked the Irish name. We'll have shots together. And I turned him down. Yeah.

Cause I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want to perpetuate a myth about, you know, drunk Irish people, which Jimmy was kind of making the joke on so i didn't participate there's a very raw awkward moment pause where he knows his his gag's not gonna fly and then i'm like no not doing it so you didn't you didn't want to perpetuate a stereotype so you fought him even though i'm sure I had two beers in the dressing room. I mean, I was drunk at the time, but I wasn't going to do it on camera. So did he end up doing them just by himself? I'm afraid he probably did. What would you do if you're the host that thought you were going to get the drinking Irish guy to drink on camera on cue?

It is unbelievable, though. As a people, we really don't usually get offended by anything like that. You know, if you imagine bringing out other characters and you're just like, let's just do this incredibly stereotypical thing about your people that everyone makes fun of, and the Irish are kind of like, eh,

whatever. We don't seem to mind that much. And I say we, you know, it's for me, my, I, you know, I have to identify that way because of my name, but I don't seem to mind that much. And I say we, you know, it's for me, my, I, you know, I have to identify that way because of my name, but I don't have that much Irishness in my life. I've always felt that. It's not like I have flags and shillelaghs on me.

My name's Kevin Clancy. I got Irish names from my kids. Oh, you sorry bastard. What's your middle name? Kevin Francis Clancy. I was Frank Rice. And what's your confirmation name kevin francis clancy i was uh frank what's your confirmation name matthew mine is too my my confirmation name is connor and i chose that because of the boondock saints yep exactly the connor character was like i was like oh he kills people in awesome ways

that's i'll tell you about connor he's my older brother so this he kills people in awesome ways. I'll tell you about Connor. He's my older brother. So he's born in 61 or 2. There were no Connors or Dermots. My other brothers are Sean and Kieran. So all three of those names, my sister's Maura, bless her. But Sean, Kieran, and Connor have all reemerged. In fact, they've actually become American names. Yeah, 100%.

There was no such thing. Now, look at your little guy, your tiny little baby, your little baby boy, and you're going, hmm, Dermot? Dermot. Dermot or Kevin? Not a single person in the United States has chosen Dermot. Dermot. Do people call you Derm?

Do you have a nickname? They just call you Dermot. They try, and it evaporates without me having to say anything. It just doesn't stick. I know. I hear it. I'm like, mm-mm. And they hear it, and they're like.

Yeah, that one tasted like charcoal on your tongue, didn't it? Yeah, but I'm mostly American, I feel. You know, it's like on St. Patrick's Day, you have a Guinness, and we joke about boondock saints when you see that when you're a kid. But I'm not, you know, I'm not an Irishman. I'm an American guy who has some Irishness, you know? That's how I ID, too. Right.

I used to think you had such a great American accent. I was like, this guy sounds like he's from Virginia. This is incredible. Turns out not. Well, that's because we got in the game of trying to figure out whether the guy had a good American accent or not. I'm going back to that. We used to watch movies without thinking about whether he was or he wasn't.

Yep. Yep. So we went a whole 15 years wondering, Ooh, does Russell Crowe sound American? I mean, the guy can act bless him. Yeah. He's pretty good. He's pretty good.

He has a job. Duh, duh, duh. Let's go back to your country. No, I don't mean all that Some of my best friends are English Awful Awful, it just sounds so wrong So what is it like

We talk to A lot of people from New Girl a lot And we always say They always say that that is their Not even Yes, we've talked to Jake Johnson a lot We've always say they always say that that is their like like not not even you know yes we've talked to jake johnson a lot we've talked to uh max greenfield we've done just actually just jake and max but the that's plenty those guys are technicolor genius

but even we did josh gad as well who had you know a bit appearance and and across the board it said they say that like that's the most like they get yelled at in the street the most how do you get mr fancy man a lot i i do in a way you know it's it's i have such love for that that show i mean fortunately i never really went away but if you wanted to like calculate a comeback moment it had to do with that because really it was the first time i i've done a couple episodes of friends which is a whole nother story because that came I wanted to like calculate a comeback moment. It had to do with that. Cause really it was the first time I, I'd done a couple episodes of friends, which is a whole nother story.

Cause that came back like out of wave. And I only did a few and it was just nothing for a while. And now it's big again. So some of that happened on New Girl, but while New Girl was a new show, you know, it was the first current sitcom comedy appearance that I was making. So I think it really did just jig the navigation on people's thought, oh, he can go play an older boyfriend who's funny.

And it just takes things a little bit. So I play comedy much more than I always did, even though it's one of the things I'm most naturally put here for. So I love everything about that show. It might not hurt since you guys keep records with sports and all that right that their best ratings were right there at the end of that first season I wonder why I tell you I always

thought that you know spoiler for everybody Nick and Jess end up together but I always thought it should have been Jess and Mr. Fancy Man and Nick and Megan Fox I thought those were the couple of Well, they did all of that on purpose. They really did. They put one out there. It has

echoes of My Best Friend's Wedding. They know that's a useful way of stringing people along. But, you know, I appeared and messed up one of their first dates in the second season. I was like, yes, I have an actual for once. I have a job that I might. So, I didn't hear from them in the second season i was like yes i have like an actual for once i have like a job there i might so i didn't hear from him in the third season i had my agent call you

know darman's happy because i love the show um fourth season i said hey my agent call over a new girl see if by the fifth season he called and they're like look you can stop calling we're not gonna put the guy back in and then guess what season seven right when they're like, look, you can stop calling. We're not going to put the guy back in. And then guess what? Season seven, right when they're about to close the book, who do they need to come in and – Mr. B. Yeah. So when was New Girl in comparison to Shameless?

Before that. Before all that. So it may have even bounced in that direction for, as I touched on, like now there's a little lane where i play the older guy got the older guy to our heroine right so yeah yeah yeah we got a bone to pick it with you about that though we got say again we got a little bone to pick with you about shameless i don't even know if you know about i was gonna say what is our bone we're picking so one day me and kevin went out to hollywood we were pitching i don't know if you've ever heard of this stupid phrase saturday for the

boys but it was hot in the streets for a while. John coined it as it was a cry of every college kid across the country. Saturdays are for the boys. Big time thing. So we go about and we hire some woman who promotes merchandising to get them into shows and on movie sets and that kind of stuff. So we were going to have Saturdays are for the boys stuff all over. And we're at Warner.

I forget where Shameless was filmed. But we're on set. It was at Warner. Yeah, we're on the lot at Warner. We go into, fuck, I forget. Is it Pete's Pies? What was the restaurant? Patsy's Pies.

Patsy's Pies, which you are the manager of, Sean. And they're like, we're going to have Saturdays for the Boys all over this restaurant. And the manager never put it up. That's my fault. That's right, they did. They asked me about the art direction of a television series.

They came to the visiting guest actor and they ran it by me as they always do. How do you want the set behind you to look? Okay? Am I making some sense to you? That's the level of control you always have. You don't always stick to what I think I should be sitting in front of. Remember watching that season? I was so excited.

I was like, this is going to be sad. At this point, I already hated Saturdays for the Boys, but I was still like, I think they said they're going to put – they just lied to our faces the whole time. They never had any intention to put stuff. Did that thing – that whole thing went like hashtag zero chapter 11? What happened with Saturdays for the Boys? You still got some trickling, some residuals?

No, no, the company did real well. The company made quite a pretty penny. John himself, a literal penny. No, I still do a podcast. Yeah, we're still here, so. Tell me about the new project, though. Tell me about Hard new project, though. Tell me about Hard Lock Love Song.

Well, it's kind of an existential love poem to an American dream gone awry. How's that sound? That was pretty fucking good off the top like that. We'll do that as a pull quote. Yeah, I was going to say. Put that on there. I feel like the publicist was standing right that. We'll do that as a pull quote. Yeah, I was going to say. Put that on there. I was acting like the publicist was standing right there. You're talking to the pelican.

Yeah, just the pelican. I was talking to the pelican. Who is there? I would like to mention that I'm broadcasting today from what we call Wilmington, North Carolina. But it is, in fact, the indigenous ancestral home of the Lumbee tribal group and the, oh, I almost have it, Waccamana. Ooh, Waccamana.

What exactly is that? Well, I mean, I know it sounds like a tribe. Oh, those are the two indigenous tribal groups that inhabited this area before anybody came over and effed everything up. But we call it Wilmington, North Carolina. Waka Mana. The way you said that, too, though, it felt special. Do you live in Wilmington? No, I'm here working on a movie here.

Okay, that's my next question. Why? Wilmington's a great town, and, that's my next question. With a semi-ball. Why? Oh, Wellington's a great town. And North Carolina's been kind to me. I worked here a couple times recently. Really good folk, of course. Okay, let's just ask you this then. What's the worst town you've ever been to?

What's the first what? Worst town you've ever been to. What's a town where German Moroni will never be seen ever again? Gosh. Yeah, see. Dangerous game to play. A lot of enemies. You know what I'd rather touch on?

My favorite town. I don't know, because some of the worst towns I enjoyed so much, because, of course, I'll have an assignment like that with the coolest people on Earth. So it always balances out. And I don't need a whole lot. So I'm not real like, Oh, I wish this place had a right. Yeah. I mean, I'm not lacking. You'll never, you'll never call it.

But I guess I was going to talk about how mean people are on the line and how, how rampant that has become in sport and why y'all got to be like, one of our favorite things to talk about. I will from now on, but I haven't seen you guys. and why y'all got to be like that. One of our favorite things to talk about. Is it really? Because I will from now on, but I haven't seen you guys. I know about your movements and stuff. And I have a sense of how awesome your perspective on things are. I didn't know if it included that.

So if you're going to be spoken to it. We just had a run-in with John Cusack. So one of our guys here is a huge Chicago White Sox fan and they're in the playoffs right now. And John Cusack is a White Sox fan as well, but often at times has been seen wearing a Cubs hat and sell and cheer for the Cubs. So our White Sox guy confronted him outside the game the other day and they had a nose to nose, a little spat. Not quite nose to nose. John Cusack is significantly taller than the other guy. He was looking down on his nose, but it was an argument over, you know, if you're allowed to do that now. I'm a Mets fan living in New York. By no means can a Mets fan root for the Yankees or a

Yankees fan root for the Mets, and I think it's kind of the same way in Chicago. So John caught some heat from our crowd, but then he also really stepped up and kind of went in the face of our guy, which we love. We love our own getting beat up by people it's amazing so he kind of it was this like everybody had some points in the win column and the loss column but um but yeah because and people can just be motherfuckers online man then people pull out they're super mean and it's so weird i mean i don't know maybe not enough of those people actually played sports where sometimes you, well, really what happens is you lose a bunch of the time and then you learn how to not be a prick. Yeah, it's not even necessarily sports.

It's just like, yeah, learning not how to be a prick in life because, you know. I mean, it's across the board everywhere. You know, it just occurred to me that it just must be rampant. Relationships, work, like everything is. And it's, of course, things that they would never, ever, ever say to your face. But they're going to do it online. I'm lucky I don't have any, you know, media or anything like that. Yeah, what's that like?

Smart man. That must be so. Now I feel even luckier and luckier that I don't since it seems even since I was, I tried out Instagram or whatever. It wasn't even as mean as it was now like five years ago. Am I wrong? No, it's – every day it gets meaner, brother, every single day, and I don't know where it ends. Well, I'm so glad now that I'm not, and I don't think I'm missing anything like in my economy by not being in it.

That's all I thought. Maybe it'll make me more money someday. Yeah, do you have like publicists and managers and agents being like, you got to be on Instagram or not? No. A couple of times that you, if you work for one of the bigger companies or a network, they were pushing you to do it. Right. But that's that too.

I have a problem with because then they're highly paid marketing department. It's having you do it for free. Yeah. And you're taking all the salary. I'll run, I'll run your whole page if you pay me a quadrant of what she's getting for being the head of the market. They've passed the labor costs

have evaporated for selling your own thing and they expect the actor to do it right, to do it without their own opinion thrown in. They expect companies speak for free time. So no, I think,

I think Kevin Hart or Vin Diesel, one of those. So I don't know how I'm conflating the two. They're very, they look very different. But one of them like kind of put their foot down. I was like, no, I'm not tweeting about this movie unless you pay me to tweet about this

movie because you paid me to act. I don't know that. And I don't tweet. So it's not my issue. But it seems like, in other ways, our economy's like, since things got technical, like, even you used to call up and talk to somebody. Then you called up and talked to a computer.

Now you do all that and log in and do all that labor before you even get on the phone. You know what I mean? They're sending the labor downstream to the consumer. Makes total sense. Because of tech. Big tech. sending the labor downstream to the consumer makes total sense because of tech these big and have them do the work i don't know it's a fashion that way let's wrap up on a good note though uh yeah i don't know why i went into all this it's fascinating and i never thought about

how it really is just you know you're doing their work for free but but on a lighter note i don't know if i can ask you to pick a favorite because i know you guys always dodge that question but out of all the movies tv shows oh well as long as you can say co-star i'll answer well out of all those those different projects all those different sets you've been on what was the most fun what one stood out with you know the most clowning around behind the scenes oh gosh i don't know um what one of my problem you know the reason why where i'm at is because i you know i kind of developed an exaggerated personality and class clown and try to make up for being small or big family or whatever, right? Like, put myself in.

So I have a blast everywhere I go, even the worst movies. I have a great time with the people. Even when I'm supposed to, this movie's, like, super dramatic. It has some humor in it, but, you know, really dark, thriller, the one, Breakwater, that I'm working on now. But we're on a dock with just a kid, and we're goofing around, and then you get, yeah, that's just the way I do it and keep it light. But all that being said, the greatest groups of people I were with made all the difference.

Again, not by comparison, but Young Guns was just indelible experience in every way. The Grey, similar reasons. Liam Neeson's movie where we're all in real conditions and actually have the adventure that they're filming and august osage county a couple years ago with meryl streep julia roberts chris cooper margo martindale you know just incredible incredible cast with it yeah with the all-star uh literally like playing uh you know mid-season at the all-star game on that one so uh that's where i get my best experiences from the other people. What's it like being a – and this is probably one of your best experiences too. You're a huge part of my Christmas morning.

How's that? How's that one sit with you, Dermot? I'm fine with that as long as it's either – you know, I know what you're going to say, but the joke would be, I'm so glad that you enjoyed Christmas train. I was going to say the Hallmark. Don't over-sell the Hallmark. That is the Hallmark Hall of Fame, the Christmas train.

It's right up there at the top of the list, too. We pop out of Family Stone, and we get a bowl of wine, and then we just all sit there, and we drink red wine out of a bowl at about 7 o'clock in the morning on Christmas morning. I've talked about that before. Don't be so surprised. It's just a bowl of wine.

It's how the Romans drank wine, Kevin and Dermot. The Family Stone is one of those incredible, incredible movies that actually will. Wow. Great noise. Will stand the test of time.

Is doing that. And I've made handfuls of movies. There's really about one handful that will just last forever. Yeah, yeah. Now I'm starting to see some that emerge. One of them is Angels in the Outfield. You know what? People still just

love that. Long Gone is a great sports movie from 1986 or 7 with Billy Peterson playing in the Grapefruit League. Baseball manager and me, the rookie second baseman. Look at this.

I haven't heard a Grapefruit League reference in quite some time yeah man well we're making a movie about the baseball in the 50s but now we're making a movie about baseball in the 50s in the 80s as much time has gone by right as had gone by that we were playing vintage baseball great point that is wild shit's getting old man and you're standing the test of time, dude. All of these roles are timeless, and I'm sure. Congratulations on the new Bond.

That's unbelievable. Yeah, start speaking with an accent. It's all yours, brother. Wait till you see me in the wig and the push-up bra. Then we have an issue. Look, you can't play James Bond as a woman. No? All right, brother.

Hey, I drove by Michael Jordan's house the other day. Because he grew up in Wilmington, played high school ball here. That's right. Got cut from that high school team. Not many people remember that. And it occurred to me that he and I are peers in age, maybe about a year off. And how long has Michael Jordan been off the court?

Yeah, look at you. You're still working. Yes. Mostly I'm on the bench playing relief. People have been saying it. Dermot Moroney, harder worker than Michael Jordan. I heard it a lot. Headlines.

That'll be the headline. Dermot Moroney puts down Michael Jordan. I'm sure I've done less sit-ups than he, lifetime, but maybe for a longer duration amount of time. I'm still doing them. Do you think MJ's still crunching? No, he's doing the curls with the cigar, though. Cigar, a little tequila.

A steakhouse and a highway-named bathroom. What a bum that Jordan guy is. He fell with his ass in the butter, didn't he? Hard luck, love, without this Friday, October 15th. Hard worker for that short career of his. He really worked hard. Thank you so much, sir. Have a great one.

What a pleasure, you guys. Have me on any time. I'll come and have a laugh with you. Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. Thank you so much. Really a blast. Have a good come and have a laugh with you. Oh yeah. Yes, sir. Thank you so much. Really a blast. Have a good one.

Thanks tons. Bye. All right. To all the OG, uh, KFC radio listeners, the people who still listen every day, make sure that you head over and,

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