KFC Radio - Tom Segura, Richard Kind, and Raccoon Boy

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

Tom Segura (55:10) comes through and explains why his wife thought he was an expert on strippers, his goal of buying a jet, the early days of the Joe Rogan Experience, and Garth Brooks committing several murders. Richard Kind (1:44:13) stops buy to tell us what it's like to get a duffel bag full of cash from George Clooney. KFC and Feits throw it back to the very 1st ad read ever done back on episode #24 in 2013, recap this year's first Barstool At The Ballpark, and cancel non-conformists. Voicemails include does small hands mean small dick, post nut clarity, forget how to eat or forget how to walk, and would you take small feet for a big dick.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio presented by Postmates, brought to you by GOAT. Get your sneakers from GOAT, because they have the widest selection of sneakers in the world. And that's a fact. Well, I don't know if that's a fact, but I'm going to say it's a fact. Because the differences between GOAT and all the other competitors is that they sell used sneakers, which is the best way to find the OG sneakers, the rare sneakers, because, looking to move sneakers, old sneakers, new sneakers, sneakers they don't wear anymore. I'm about to unload a bunch of sneakers because I used to have a house and now I have an apartment. And guess what that means?

You don't have tons of room for absolutely unnecessary sneakers. So I'm going to end up listing a lot of my pairs up on Goat soon. So if you want to get in on KFC's collection, you can check out KFC Barstool on Goat. I'll be moving sneakers like all the other people out there. You know, you get fixated on a pair, you buy them, you want them. That's what I'm doing right now. I've been

refreshing the new bodega. Oh, right. For the what are they called? All Days or something like that? No Days Off. No Days Off. You're not. So far. Are they dropped on the weekend? Are they already sold out? Over the weekend? What are they called? All days or something like that? No days off. No days off. You're not. They're so fire. Are they? They were dropped on the weekend. Are they already sold out?

Over the weekend? I thought they did. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So what are you refreshing? Trying to get like they're out of stock in the used. Oh, man. Yeah, those are dope. Yeah.

Shit. I meant to try to get those. I was in Boston. I had to go to lunch early 11 o'clock lunch on Saturday and then you're done I also think this was a pair where you get to sleep overnight

but that's what's good about a goat is that they will hit the secondary and if you want them you probably have to pay for them John but you can get them put a price on sleeping outside of a sneaker store. It's it's several hundred dollars.

I mean, so like you're paying a premium for it, but it's it's pretty convenient because you don't have to be a weirdo waiting in the rain for sneakers. So anything you want new, old, used, whatever the latest drops. The old school sneakers you want to get. I'm probably going to keep them. It's a shame that didn't work out just now because what my plan was to start the ad was going to be like I bought them fast enough during an ad read. I was going to do it like The Office when Jim and Dwight did the call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't work out that way. Next time we'll pick a more attainable pair of sneakers.

So go to, what is the address here exactly? It is goat.com slash KFC, G-O-A-T dot com slash KFC. 100% authenticated and best price on the market. I love that we're doing ad reads for sneakers. Presented by Postmates, brought to you by GOAT. Like, mama, we made it. We made it, bro. What up? We have come a long way, man.

We actually got an email. Do you remember Streaker Sports? Yeah, bro. What up? No. We have come a long way, man. We actually got an email. Do you remember Streaker Sports? Yeah, absolutely. They were shorts, right? We got an email. Yeah, they were all sorts of shit, but we were promoting the shorts. They were like lacrosse shorts, whatever. We had to put the line on the bottom.

Yes. Dude, we had to do a lot. So this guy, we got the weirdest fucking email, me and John. You know when people have life updates and they just like email everybody in their in their address book i did i didn't know that this is my first time ever experiencing i know sometimes when people do it on twitter it'd be like some personal news colon i'm going to the athletic which yeah yeah right right anything anyone everyone does now but the uh it was basically i forget exactly what the email was, what the subject was, but it was something.

It was Grant, right? Yeah. And it was about. It was probably my KFC bar, so hang on, I'll find it. He's moving to wherever he's moving to. California, I believe. And it was just like a life update. I think Grant's gotten married.

I think he has some kids now. He's got a lot going on. So weird. The only reason I know that is because my best friend ad like my best friend will do this he's such a fucking loser and he'll be like he'll go on vacation and he'll write an email to people like hey team like we went to the fucking to vacation yeah on vacation yes your friends email you to say he's on vacation like like like something he's doing on vacation oh my you know like that's not a friend. Well, no, no. Let me say this. Okay. It wasn't vacation. You reply to that shit like, lose my number. He went to

he like did a cross country thing. He like quit his job and he traveled for like a couple months. So like a big vacation. Yeah. I remember being like, I don't fucking care. Yeah. Like he would be saying, you know, right now we're driving across the Dakotas and like, let me tell you something

like it is as bleak and bland and like barren as they say and like well then i don't need a fucking email about it what's this kid's name evan i'm gonna try to name him loser which has been a rule prior to this he's such a loser he's like legit my best friend so some people like humor him and be like cool man and i'll be like take me off this email chain right now like i'll reply to the whole chain like fuck this kid right am i right it's funny when you have like blinders on like everywhere else you know to be normal and then for some reason when you go on this trip you think let me email everybody it's like what are you doing be normal lost your mind so this guy i mean that at least is like my best friend he's emailing like his family. This dude, we probably have had zero contact for seven years.

We've had literally zero contact. I know for a fact we have because I didn't know who he was. So I had to. And by the way, I don't want to trash Grant here. Grant seems like a nice guy. Grant kind of gave us our start, so to speak, because I searched our email. I was like, who the hell is this person? So I just searched his name in my email.

And one popped up from 2012, I think. And it was a chain from 2012 with me, Kevin, and Dan on it. And it was, I imagine, our first ever KOC Radio advertising. Oh, no doubt about it. I mean. It was four mentions per episode for four episodes in a row. Brendan, what do you think that ad deal cost?

Four mentions an episode. Like how much we made that into... Four reads an episode for four episodes. So 16 reads. And like you said, we had to put like,

they had a bottom third where it said like, presented by Streaker Sports on the video the whole time. What do you think 16 reads ran us back to 2013,

2012? That should be so much money. Take a guess. I mean, I know we weren't making a lot of money then. Take a guess. 16 reads. $1,000.

$1,000! 62 bucks a pop! It was like $2.50 an episode, but it was four reads an episode. It was unbelievable. That would be so much money now. Yeah, I'm seeing here. I mean, I don't want to give away numbers, but, like, we're not. Sales always get mad about that.

But, like, that would be thousands and thousands of dollars. When I Googled it, this is for January 2013. So the emails may have been setting this up. I think it would be more than thousands and thousands of dollars. For six years. But, yeah, this was, they sponsored episode 24. Yeah. But yeah, this was, they sponsored episode 24. Yeah.

I mean, that was, we had like almost 700 episodes. 18. So like, that was, yeah, 19.

I don't even know if Dan was there yet. Like, I mean, no, Dan was there because he was on it. Okay. So I mean, that is some early shit.

And I was probably like, fuck yeah. A G baby. Thousand g baby split up four ways we were talking about would you trade tom brady then god damn it man shit just doesn't fucking you fucking assholes you were asking me in 2015 tom brady for adrian peterson hey gents for adrian peterson You fucking assholes. You were asking me in 2013. Tom Brady for Adrian Peterson. Hey, gents, for Adrian Peterson. Fuck you.

Yo, I'm looking at the shorts. These ones are, the Cinderella men are kind of dope. Cinderella men are dope. I still have the Miracle 1980 ones. It's just, it's the red, the red shorts, which they wore, you know, like the uniform. Red shorts with the blue stars down the side and the white stripe yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember that I was honestly probably wearing those three days ago

I had to send him an email in April of 2013 I guess this was hey Grant in the time since we did our last sponsorship Barstool's rolled out a whole new full service store so now it's a conflict to basically he wanted to like run it back and re-up the sponsorship

and I think rather than just being like fuck no a thousand dollars for 60 ad reads I gave him this bullshit like well now we're selling our own which is not bullshit it was true but he understood I don't even know if that would have been

like yeah another thousand bucks let's do it I don't even think like we weren't doing ad reads I don't even know if that would have been like, we probably would have been like, yeah, another thousand bucks. Let's do it. I don't even think like we weren't doing ad reads. I don't think we'd probably start a grant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My house. That's so funny.

Like how times have changed. I don't think you, I think if you start a podcast now, like anybody, not a barstool podcast, anybody starts it. You get more than 62 bucks. If you get to the point where you can monetize, I think it would probably start at like a hundred bucks a bar or school podcast. Anybody starts it. You get more than $62 a podcast. If you get to the point where you can monetize, I think it would probably start at $100 a podcast. At least. At least, man. Wow. It feels nice.

Seriously. I ran over to tell Dan. I was like, do you know how much we made when we first started doing podcasts? Shout out to Grant. It was like... There were few and far between was there was there were few and far between there was really very few people who like knew to jump on board a couple like the bar owners tommy mackinrow and those guys from saloon a couple guys who were like i know that

barstool is gonna fucking move more than any other sponsor i mean that guy was probably like loving it a hundred dollars sixty dollars a pop and we were definitely selling more shit. I bet a pair of shorts cost $45. We were caking it for Grant. Incredible, man. How times have changed. I was at Barstool the Ballpark this weekend where I don't know how much more. I yell at sales

every fucking year. I'm like, did you sponsor this yet? Because it's literally the best event we've ever done. 250 people, minimum, every time they come out and everyone is like, this is the best thing I do with my money. Period. I'm upset I didn't get to go first of all because you look great. I thought you went tanning this morning. Hey, baby!

It was actually a perfect baseball day. They hit a bunch of home runs. They had a comeback win. The sun was out. It was perfect. The second reason is I spent my day at the Bruins game and things didn't go well. Not great. I love that spin zone of yours.

Hell of a spin zone. USA lost to Russia 10-3 before the Olympics. It was a meaningless game. Herb put the little exhibition game at MSG right down the street and they got their doors blown off. We lost 6-3.

We're in great shape, if you ask me. You are cruising to be a miracle on ice, babe. No big deal. Yeah, you know what's funny? Imagine if the Olympics was a seven-game series. I think we would have lost 4-1. I think we would have won game one. And then we got our doors blown off four straight games.

So that's the beauty of one and done get your playoff berg you sure got a lot actually we got a lot of dope berg shirts on sales here one I made was just good guys

yeah I love that that's what my dad used to always say one nothing good guys yeah three two good guys right now

yeah yeah yeah hell yeah good guys although I didn't like it when we'd play each other and he'd be like I was bad guys can I be the good guy dad he'd be like taking the ball at the play each other and he'd be like, I was bad guys. Can I be the good guy, Dad? He'd be like taking the ball out of the top of the key.

He'd be like, all right, seven nothing good guys. He'd go fucking drive on me again. It was like six. Just bodying his son in the post, you little bitch boy. But it was a good success. I'm going to go to the next one. People were asking for you. People wanted to know where Fights was.

It was, as far as a baseball game goes, it could not be any better. The free beer is just, it's a joke. People are skeptical when they come. They're like, all right, what's the catch? The catch is the line gets a little bit long at some points, but the lines to pay for beer are long, too. Yeah. So there's no catch. And they have, it's Bud Light,

Shock Top, Stella. It's like all Budweiser products. So you get like a good choice of beers. It's incredible. It makes no sense. How are you possibly doing this? It's all Budweiser products? Yeah, but they're, you know, Shock Top is like your Blue Moon-ish and Stella is like your fancy beer and they have the Buds. It's like, you know, you're not going to get like an IPA or whatever,

but who's drinking that at the ballpark? It was quite the scene, though. There was this one. I mean, everybody I met, I feel like I've talked to literally everyone who bought a ticket. I talked to so much on Saturday. That's tough for me. That's the one part that's hard.

And I appreciate everyone. It's not even just the fact that it's strangers. It's just I have a battery. Yeah, you just run out. I have a social battery. Yeah. And once it's out yeah it's out my friends yell at me when i'm out and they're like dude you're being rude like you're

not even talking to anybody i'm like i'm out i'm out yeah the tank is empty like yeah i feel you at one point uh because there was a lot of us it was coley carabas nate k marco um a bunch of the guys i didn't come keith huh you can call him he always says that that's it you can call him Keith. Huh? You can call him Keith. He always says that. That's it. You can call him Keith. They sat down for a while, and I was up there. If I'm going to be there, I'm going to talk to people and take pictures and shit. And eventually, I was like, get up here. Come on. But there was one dude who was very nice, and he was telling me how we got him through

some shit, which is like a lot of people say that I'm like damn a lot of people go through shit and this is what gets you through it okay great you know it's flattering it's not even flattering it's just like god I really am fucked up like listening to you idiots makes me feel better about shit I'm glad you're

doing well but guess what that means bud I'm not I'd like to have someone I could listen to to feel better right get a homeless guy start a podcast maybe we should start listening to our own shit yeah who's worse than us let's just go grab a homeless guy and give him a zoom and be like record we can listen to you talk you gotta upload this once a week we'll give you 62 dollars for it uh so but he was very you know very gracious about it but he was super drunk and he was on repeat so he would be like so what do you do when someone's on repeat but it's the story is

something that's very heartfelt you know i can't even remember what his problem was i wasn't really listening but he was like you got me through xyz and like i just that really means a lot like the fact that you're like you're here now and willing to talk about it's like really cool i was like awesome man that's why we do this like thank you thank you for listening like seven minutes later yo man i just want to let you know like 25 minutes later like this i was like what do you know because if anybody else is listening to that for the first time and I was like, shut the fuck up, dude, I would look like a sociopath. So I just – I did it like 75 times. I just kept doing it. Exactly what I do.

Yeah. I just kept doing it. And then – You know what my trip with that is? Is sometimes I'll finish the story for them. Right. And then it's like – Get the hint? Yeah. Oh, right, right. You got hit by the car or whatever.

I know. No, no, no. You're telling it wrong. You told it right the first time. It's just a game of telephone that's happening right now. No, it was brutal. And then there was this couple that came up to me. And they went on a picture and this

girl goes i told him straight up i love your podcast more than i love him with him right next to us and i was like what the fuck so and he's like yeah that's your worst nightmare right bro like no boyfriend wants to hear that right and i And I was like, yeah, no, they definitely don't. Like, that would really fucking probably upset me, man. And then, like, we took a picture. Like, we all took a picture. But then she was like, now let me get a picture with him alone. I was like, oh, boy, that was awkward.

And then whatever. They leave. They go sit down. Like, seven innings go by. Alcohol's cut off at this point. And I hear there's, like, a ruckus in the crowd. And I just see these guys being like what the fuck is going on and she went up higher in the section and was just

sitting with another dude and he was like like arm around her kind of and the boyfriend was still like in the front row of our section and she was in the back i was like what is going on what would you do i don't this guy was like we got a, what do you say? A cuckuation going or something like that. I don't know what I would do. I'd just go home. So there was actually, there was an older. I'm not, I'm never one of those guys who's like,

I remember when I had my weird babysitter. You used to watch porn with her. We were watching a music video. That segue will never make watch porn with her um we were watching a music video that segway will never make me not laugh and we were watching like mtv and uh I think it was a diddy song where diddy comes home and like his wife's like fucking someone else yeah and he jumps in bed and starts like fighting the guy and I as a child I was like I would never do that I would just you sick fuck I was I would just leave I was like I I would never do that. I would just leave. I was like, I would just leave. That's it.

That's not his fault. I'm just going to go home now. And I'm home. I'm going to go to a hotel now, and we're going to do this. And she's like, no way. You settle that score in the bed right there and there. I'm like, I don't have a score to settle. My score's not with him.

Yeah, it's with her. I was like, I'm going to fuck out of here. I'll see you later and that's exactly i seven year old me was correct yeah like that i stand by i'm a fucking smart thinking it's never the other person the person you have a deal with is the person in the relationship they're the one who broke the deal i had no yeah i hadn't made no no vow with that man yeah remember i'll tap it up with that guy but yeah i mean i wanted the fucker too that's what i'm saying all right i get it man uh the the there was one older guy like a dad was there and he said

something he was like he's like i would leave her fucking i'd be gone he said something like i think at one point she kind of like stumbled like to her she was obviously like very drunk um and and he was like the minute that was going on you would have heard my rubber peeling out of the fucking parking lot i'm out of here and he was like an older wiser guy i was like yeah that's that's what's up but it was it was for you know it was 248 people were completely normal and then there's two that was just a wild scene that just isn't that the way the world works yeah i know but it's why it's so hard for people to just be normal, apparently. It is.

I mean, I might put a shirt on sale that's just black with white letters that says be normal. Be normal. Be normal. Or maybe a shirt that says conform. I've had that. I've said that before. I had a girlfriend who we were talking about that with once where it was just like,

she's like, I'm like not a conformist. I was like, yes, you are. Absolutely you are. You should be. Everyone's a conformist. What if we released a lie? There are very few people who are non-conformists. Right.

That's good. But like. You need a couple. You shop at J.Crew. You're a conformist. Right. You eat at any of these like major places. Conformist.

Most thoughts in your head you don't say conformist if you don't say everything that pops into your mind you're just a normal person the world needs like 6 trailblazers like total give me like Steve Jobs of the world like a couple of those guys

and everyone else should just fall in line what if we release like the KFC radio line of line of life, and it's just like, be normal, I'm a conformist, and I don't know, I need like a third. I want to do one. Oh, what have I said?

Be normal. One, two, I'm a conformist. Three, I'm a follower, not a leader. I'm a follower. I want to think of you as the anarchy symbol and have that graffitied out. Yeah. Whatever the opposite logo is. The conformist logo.

An X over an anarchy logo. That would probably look pretty cool. I need, like, on the front, like, if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too? And on the back, yes. Yes, absolutely. This is our line. This is our lifestyle.

I am officially, I hereby cancel anyone who's not normal. That's probably the biggest, the most mass cancel of all time. But if you're not normal, you're canceled. That's a very good cancel because I was reading an article the other day about, I was going to cancel crazy people today. So that's kind of the same thing. Here you go. I was reading an article the other day.

I know the cancels are usually a little more fun than this, but this was just like, this was so interesting to me. It was about Columbine. It's a 20-year anniversary, which is crazy. There's probably been like 60,000 shootings since then. There have been 225,000 kids involved in a shooting since then. That's crazier than our $62 a spot stat. I don't believe died, but 225,000 kids have experienced a school shooting.

So I'm guessing that means just people in school. Yeah. It's like kids enrolled in school. But the, the article was about just kind of like, you know, it's 20 years. Like what's combine like now,

did they have multiple threats per day? They, they have so many threats that they can't tell the kids about all of them. So they have to go in and like investigate it. I think there was something where like they have automatic locks on all the doors. So they just locked the doors in and investigate it. I think there was something where they have automatic locks on all the doors. So they just lock the doors remotely, investigate it, and then unlock the doors.

You probably never even know what happens. It's like when you hear that the FBI is thwarting 70 terrorist threats a day you don't know about. Right, right, right. Exactly. Jesus Christ. There's 150 people a month who just show up to take pictures of the school or like worship the the shooters some say they're the reincarnated souls of the shooters it's like it's fucking insane the that school district security budget is three million dollars it's outrageous i think i'm not saying it's not

worth it it's obviously worth it. It's obviously worth it, but it's just like it's crazy that you have to do that. I think I would just move. Right. What is what is like real estate costs in Columbine, Colorado? Like it can't. I mean, like people like move for the school district, you know, they ain't doing that.

Yeah. I'm moving to a place where there's fucking three million dollars worth of threats a year or whatever. have like the the remote locks they have like world-renowned psychologists i'll be honest what team commanders there's a spot where i might i might be down with the whole good guy with a gun thing just kill these people if you roll up and say i'm reincarnated pow goodbye well then good now you're dead It was a pre-crime. It's a literal pre-crime. You gave us a heads up.

You're admitting it's a pre-crime. The, what was it? The fucking, I forget the guy's name, but he's like the head of security there. And he became involved in law enforcement when he was young because his sister was 19. She was stabbed to death and he became obsessed with stopping crimes. And he looks like he's 150 years old. I'm sure. And he's 42.

And he jokes about it. I mean, you basically just have the lives of, like, I don't know. That seemed like one of those big schools, like 2,000 kids in your hands every day. Yeah. He has. Thanks, man. It's like it's the he has, like, all the tips are immediately just texted to his phone. So they have a tip line that he gets investigated every single day.

His phone just blows up all day. See, that would be the worst part for John. The phone blowing up. John would mute it. He would mute the group text threat conversation. Like, we texted you about this one, John. I muted that. That was on Do Not Disturb.

He starts his day off every morning with a Diet 7-Up. Do you know how fucked up your life's got to be to start the day with a Diet 7-Up? A 7-Up? Does 7-Up even exist? I didn't know. Remember the famous commercial, the 7-Up yours? Yeah. I think that

was... You know that little logo, like red, like 7-Up just got smoked by Sprite. Yeah. Once black people started drinking Sprite, it was, like 7-Up just got smoked by Sprite. Yeah. Once black people started drinking Sprite, it was over for 7-Up. Once the NBA got their claws in Sprite, it was a wrap. Yeah. If you're drinking Diet 7-Up to start your day, you see some shit.

That's like worse than a cigarette. You know how they do that in movies, how they kind of show the tortured soul and he rolls over and grabs a bottle of whiskey or grabs a cigar? If you just cracked a 7-0, I'd be like, this guy is not someone to be trifled with. Like a glass bottle, like from old school, like the smaller ones, the fat little ones in glass. This guy, he fucks. Watch out. Oh, man. All right, let's get into these voicemails. So, officially,

non-normal slash crazy slash reincarnated school shooters, you've been cancelled. All of you. Voicemails today are brought to you by Postmates. I Postmates all weekend long. I Postmates the steak last night so did I

I got steak and lobster I got a steak last night I did a little surf and turf all weekend long and I got a repeat postmate Nyquilla she came back I said I haven't seen you since February what up girl really yeah in fact I actually one of my things I screenshotted

because it was such i started writing back just on the order it said wilford your postmate wilford is on the way i said let's fucking go i got the the place i ordered from i was in boston last night and uh i ordered from this brazilian steakhouse and one of the they have like smoothies on the menu and one was the Medford smoothie it's orange juice and mint oh yeah

sounds awful I had to screenshot I was like that looks like the worst thing ever did you get it? no I didn't get it I ordered from

an Australian steakhouse oh okay it's called Outback I was very intrigued I was like ooh Australian what's that? I'm exotic

I got a filet mignon and a steamed lobster tail and a slice of cheesecake. So I fell off my keto. And I had the cheesecake for breakfast the next morning with Keegan. He walks up now. He goes, taste, taste. I said, you want to taste? He said, yeah.

I started giving him spoonfuls of cheesecake. I mean, it was a big slice. We went half on it. He's 30 years younger than me. He ate just as much as I did. He likes cheesecake. So, yeah, I post mates hard. Shout out to Nyquilla.

She must be just like a local delivery. So I'll be seeing you, girl. Me and Nyquilla. I'm just going to invite her in next time. You want some? I ordered way too much, as always. So join up, post mates. You can some? I ordered way too much, as always. So join up Postmates. You can get your food delivered, your steak delivered, your cheesecake, your lobster, your smoothies, your diapers, your soap, your shampoo, all of it.

Because there's 25,000 people getting down with Postmates. And right now you can get $100 of free delivery for the next seven days when you sign up and use the promo code KFC. So download the free app. When you check out, type in KFC. They will cancel out your delivery charge for the next seven days or up to $100. Voicemails. Let's cook. Hey, guys.

I desperately need your help. I've been seeing this guy for a couple weeks and I really, really like him. The only problem is I have really tiny hands and so does he. His hands are maybe like a little bit bigger than mine, which kind of freaks me out. And he's a size nine and a half shoe in men's and I am freaking out that he's going to have a small dick and I don't know what I'm going to do. I've talked to some of my other guy friends. A lot of them say hand and foot size doesn't correlate with dick size, but I really think it does, and I don't know what to do.

I need your guys' help and your opinions or comments, whatever you have to say. I'd love it. Thanks, guys. Viva. I don't know. Fuck them. See how big his dick is.

I think that's crazy. It genuinely is crazy. I don't think it correl See how big his dick is I think that's crazy It genuinely is crazy I don't think it correlates It really doesn't I got really tiny hands I don't have that small dick I was like I hope it doesn't correlate Maybe you got a fat dick You got fat hands

I don't have a fat dick I'll tell you that one straight up I don't have a fat dick. You got fat hands. I don't have a fat dick. I'll tell you that one straight up. I don't have a fat dick. It's not a number two pencil, but if you were looking, you wouldn't go, that's a fat dick. Oh, man. But, yeah, I don't think it does. I think it probably correlates, like, I mean, I bet you Shaquille O'Neal has a big dick. Because it, I don't think it, like, it all has to correlate to some degree.

But not, like, nine and a half to ten and a half. I'm a size ten and a half. Would you be like, oh, my God,, he's gonna have a fucking shrimp dick? No. So, you know, the shoe is like a, I don't even know, is it actually like inches? I don't know how it works. What's the difference between a 9.5 and a 10.5?

Like 3 quarters of an inch? 3 quarters of an inch on the shoe and you're now convinced that his dick is gonna be a micro penis? And even that, I don't know. What are you? Is it five inches instead of six or four instead of five? I don't know.

You know what? You don't want to say four. You want to at least say five. I'll give you that. But, but I don't know. I learned the other day that I'm a size 11 shoe. You've, yeah, you've been ordering the wrong shoes for a long time. Whenever I'm able to get sneakers, I'm like, I say to him, I'm like, what size?

And he's like, I don't know, 10 and a half. I'm like, what size are you? Even just the, ah, just fucking tell me what other size foot you are. Yeah, I've been getting 11s recently, and I'm like, you know what? These fit. These fit better. It's the same thing I did with my mom. When I started buying my own

clothes, I would always buy a size 32 waist, because that was like the last size my mom got me and that's you know not what you are I haven't grown uh yeah I'm a 34 when did you start doing that like how long have you been squeezing into 32s that just don't fit you oh long time hey like are you talking like within like the past couple years oh yeah yeah certainly I'm definitely not a 32 bro I probably just switched to a 34 in the last six months Are you talking within the past couple years? Oh, yeah. Yeah, certainly. You're definitely not a 32, bro. I probably just switched to a 34 in the last six months.

I've been just like... You just squeezed it in? Yeah. I was going to say, you thick, boy. There's no way you're a 32. That's ridiculous, dude. You've been wearing the wrong size shoe and pants for 30 years. No, not 30 years. Like 10 years. Yeah. That 30 years, like 10 years.

Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. It's crazy. It's really not. Yeah. So, so I'm so much more comfortable now that I'm not a fucking sausage squeezed

into pants and shoes. I had, I known the 32, I would have spoken up whenever I've gotten you shoes and you say to get a 10 and a half. Also, I'm like, you're bigger than me.

I think you probably are a bigger foot than me, but whatever. Because those things don't always correlate. Whatever. But you're definitely not a 30. 34 fits like a glove. 34 is perfect. Feeling great. Love it.

Yeah. Really fantastic stuff. Wearing clothes that are your size. I'm a retarded person. You really are. It is is staggering it is just so dumb but that's like it's so perfectly me where i'm just like so perfect i'm like this doesn't even feel comfortable but keep doing it because that's just how it goes like there's no other option right i can't i can't possibly fix this uh yeah it's very fucking easy man i'll just i'll just

keep being unhappy sure okay i'll be I'll just keep being unhappy. Sure. Okay. I'll be uncomfortable and unhappy and whatever. Just do the day. At the end of the day, I'll take the pants off and the wake up and we'll do it again. Just as my life cycle. As far as the dick, I really, to be like freaking out this is silly it's very silly you're being silly be a scientist

you have your hypothesis go find me control the experiment here get his dick hard check this out have a little molitude of curiosity here right call me panicking right go suck that dick there's a simple way to prove this hypothesis to put that dick in

your mouth does it fit and it's kind of small does it not good size i mean i uh i feel like every girl probably worries about this like whether the shoes are the right size or like the first time you hold out a guy's pants and his dick flops out of his box. There's like a, like a fucking jumping, a diving board. Like then, you know,

I wonder how it even comes up. I feel like if I, if I was a gay guy or a girl, I'd learn your dick size long before I learned your shoe size. Well, you would. Well, why? You're just going to fuck him right away. I mean, I just, I don't, before I learned your shoe size. Well, why? You're just going to fuck them right away? Before I ever ask you, like, hey, what size shoe are you?

I'd probably have sex with you. True, right, right, right. That's a strange thing. But I guess if someone notices you have small hands and you're like, hey, put your hands up to mine and it's small, you might be like, oh, my God, those are tiny. Do you have small feet, too? Yeah, I guess. I guess if it's a thing thing then it probably would come up but uh also if you like really like the guy unless he has like a super micro penis

if you like him that much you're gonna be okay with his dick now being like a hammer right yeah i would hope i think it's either you're okay with his dick or you don't like right right it doesn't have anything to do with his hands or his shoes. Take his dick out, and if you like the size, and if the sex is good, then he is the man of your dreams. And if the sex stinks, it has nothing to do with his hands or feet. Or tell him

to use those little paws and get to work. Those little raccoon paws. Get down here. You can do a lot with hands. Rifles through my trash. Go dumpster diving This little raccoon pause You know what I'm saying You're always like

Yo I bet you a raccoon You're spinning around Where's the clay in here I bet I hope you have gold. I don't think they really have control of their hands like we do. I think a raccoon could make a human female come. I think if those paws got all up in there and were doing its thing,

I think it would be like a wizard. I don't got Brandon to take his headphones off and was doing its thing. I think it would be like, Oh, she'd be like a wizard. I don't got Brandon. Take his headphones off. Just wipe his face. Yeah. I just find out what size his dick is. Raccoon boy. Don't call him raccoon boy,

but definitely. What's going on guys? I just had a weird, I got home early no one was home had a nice little day session day jam, jerked off during the day, volume, it was nice but somehow

ended up with the worst post-knock clarity hating my dead grandparents, it's really bad so I was just curious what's the worst one you've had recently? Hating my dead grandparents. It's really bad. So I was just curious. What? What's the worst one you've had recently? Hating my dead grandparents? You've had some.

This guy has different post-nut clarity than I do. Holy shit. Imagine that. Who says that? It doesn't offer an explanation. You're like, why? What did they do? Imagine just being like, man, fuck Nana and Papa.

Like, they were selfish motherfuckers. They didn't even buy me presents. What could you possibly be that mad about your grandparents for? I have absolutely no idea. Grandparents are like, everybody's grandparents are like the best. You know, like everybody loves their grandparents. Unless they're like bad people. Yeah, my first thought was his grandfather was a Nazi.

Well, my first thought was like physical abuse. So I don't know which is worse. Nazi or he abused you. That seems like it's on the same spectrum. I was thinking like your grandfather was a Nazi. He probably abused you. Yeah. Maybe one of the same.

The Venn diagram of those is probably pretty solid. Not a lot of Nazi grandfathers were like, come over here, old helmet, and sit on. I mean, what an all-time episode of Sonny when they dress up in Nazi gear. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, man. When Mac opens the door and Charlie's dressed up eating a banana and he's just like, look what I got. Mac's like, fuck yeah, let's do this. Incredible.

We can never tell Dennis. Grandpa was a Nazi bitch. What's the worst post-nut clarity you've ever had? I don't think I have this like other people have it. No? No. Really? I've never like, I've heard jokes about how you immediately got to close the window.

I'll fucking finish the video I don't give a fuck I actually usually have good post-not clarity like I I jerk off I mean this is why this is why JJO was a thing for me I was like I'll um I will make less bad decisions if I've come yeah which is why which is why everything when everything went down these people like well you should have JJO'd or whatever that. And I was like, well, that was the problem when I had post-nut clarity and I was like, I still want to do this. It's like, that's how bad

things are getting. If you have problems in your life that jerking off can't fix, that's when they're real problems. That's really the barometer. Like, jerk off and if you still care about this, then we have to figure some shit out. But I promise you, most of your problems will just be like, okay, never mind. I'm not going to text that girl, or I'm not going to say this thing,

or whatever it may be. That would be the only one I've ever had. Be like, I'm not driving to Connecticut now. Right. But I think it's always almost exclusively good for me. Or productive. I don't think I've ever come and been like, and I hate xyz or like

fuck this or fuck that yeah he's he's just got issues or grandpa is just a fucking nazi rapist i i don't i definitely don't lay in bed and really ponder legitimate situations in my life with like cum on my hands that's that's not where my mind goes imagine yp who's a belly full of cum being like man i can't believe my mom did that to me when i was by the way somebody sent me a picture a restaurant called nut belly and he was like i'm not eating here i was like yeah now granted i don't think everybody thinks about nut belly the same way we do but in general that does not sound like a good name for a restaurant. So YP the other day, speaking of jerking off, YP is just a little raccoon.

He says to me the other day how his girl was making fun of how stinky his feet are. And he was like, so you know what I started doing? I started washing my socks more. And I was like, well, how often do you not wash your socks? He was like, well, you know, usually I'll do three days of one pair of socks. I was like, no! One pair of socks one day. I'll go two days sometimes.

Why? Just because if I like the socks. I always wear fancy socks. That's gross. If I like a pair of socks. You put them back in the drawer? No, I'll have them like hockey socks. That's gross. If I like a pair of socks, I'm like, you put them back in the drawer. No, I like have them like,

uh, like hockey socks where like you just have them laid out in your locker. Okay. I would have, I would just go. So you're gross too. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe that's why YP does it too, where it's just like a hockey thing. When you had like your kids, like you, you didn't wash your kids. Like you just fucking hop back in or else like just get more socks. I'll do it. If it's like, you know, laundry day, I'm like, I don't have any more socks. I'll do it if it's like, you know, laundry day. I'm like, I don't have any more socks.

Like, I understand you can double up socks two days and it's not the end of the world. But it sounded like it was a thing for him to like scale down to three. Like his he was rocking him all week long. And I was like, what about boxers? And he was like, probably once a day. I'm like, what? You know, I'm gonna buy you some underwear and socks, boy. You know, I'm going to buy you some underwear and socks, boy.

I'll prepare. So it's not every time, but I will prepare for the chance that I don't feel like doing laundry in time. And I'll be like, okay, today was a pretty casual day. I didn't sweat in them. I didn't run in them. I'll rock them again. If things get. The socks.

Socks. Boxers. Yeah. Dude, if I repeat boxers, it's a bad scene. I think that's more about you than me. What is that about? No, you are weird. You don't sweat.

You're not. You're like a fucking inside out cat. It makes no sense. If I wear the same shirt twice, I'll like sweat more. What's that about? I don't know that. Like, you know what I mean, Brent? Yeah.

Like, it's just like fabric hanging on your body, but if it's been worn, everything's like itchy and sweaty and gross. Yeah, I assume it's like sweat and dirt that just get onto your skin, like from the shirt. Because it's not like I'm wearing like skin-tight shirts. It's not like up on my armpits. It's gross. I can't believe anybody repeats anything.

It should just be, you would think it would just be like the smell or something like that, but no. It has a completely different feel. You guys are weird. We're not the weird ones. You're the weird ones. That's fine. I guess you're the lucky one because you don't sweat or whatever. YP's walking around. His girl called him Foot Taco.

Something like that. He's gross. If that's the problem, then you need to address it. Yeah. Alright, guys, quick. Would you rather, um, me and my wife were actually talking about this, but, um, would you rather have a normal size, normal size feet, but you have an undersized day, not, not practical jokes, small,

but you know, it's, it's it's small like you know you could still get some jobs done but that's about it or you got a big dick but you have tiny little girl feet i mean like a size five women's i mean this is perfect i was an easy answer at first but the more i think about it, yeah, having like a size five woman's foot would just be unbearable. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, there's a lot. I mean, okay. This is actually perfect because if you have small hands, small feet, there will be certain girls like the one who called who are jumping to conclusions maybe.

But that's about the only downside. No. The downside is much larger than that why why you're not thinking of just like just growing up as the kid with tiny feet yeah will it affect your self-confidence for the rest of your life yeah i guess i guess if you can get i'm thinking about if i right now if i could rock if i could get uh like children's sneakers you know how much money i would save but you can buy like the size five like the the the grade school kicks instead of the adult kicks you'd save a lot of money yeah hell yeah that's what the girls do but they buy small jordans the but getting to that point getting yeah like i know like we had a friend who was like we called him lady legs because he had like really he had really nice legs. Okay. And he'd be in shorts and be like, ooh, look at Lady Legs.

And he hated it. He hated it. Did this voicemail say you have a hammer for a dick? I think he said big dick. So what if Lady Legs was like, oh, yeah? Pow! And he just dropped his dick on the table. But you're never going to do that.

I don't know. I think I might. I don't think so. I think if I was getting harassed, I'd be like, yeah, but I have a fucking hammer cock. I think it would become a thing in the community. I think you're getting made fun of in high school or middle school,

but the chicks find out you have a big dick, it would be like, oh yeah, Twinkle Toes over there has tiny feet, but guess what? All the girls want to fuck him because he has a huge cock. I guess. You'd have to be willing to put your dick out there. Yeah, you'd have to be willing to like put your dick out there. Yeah. You have to be willing to commit.

Everybody who says that, don't you immediately think like I saw Dan Bilzerian said that cause people make fun of him cause he doesn't do legs and they, you know, like, Oh, how come your character? So he's like,

yeah, but my dick is huge. It's like, it probably isn't. It can't come from him. That's what I'm saying. You have to be willing to show it. Cause if you walk around saying it,

yeah, you come across like Dan Bilzerian. But when the girls are saying it when ariana grande is saying about pete davidson everyone thinks he has a nine and a half inch dick but then you kind of have to just tolerate the people saying it about you all the time because anytime you come back over the top like oh when you say it out loud people are like no it isn't i think if you show it though yes that's true what if you just walk around like biker shorts and put your dick on display at all times? Yeah, like, yeah,

just wear gray sweatpants with no underwear ever and be like, are you looking at my tiny feet? No, you're not. There you go. No, you're not.

Looking at my moose knuckle. Yeah, I mean, you basically have to be willing to be a pervert, but, you know, then you're blessed with a nice dick. Yeah, yeah, I guess,

I guess, yeah, that's probably right because then, either way, your self-confidence in life in the future will be affected because it's either happens at a young age or it happens once you get high school and start taking like team showers yeah one way it's gonna be shown yeah you're gonna you're gonna know the truth because then i think it becomes like it's a it's a package story like he's got super tiny feet but a big dick he dispels the myth and girls don't you know don't judge a book and and you know that's not true i think it becomes a

package thing if they know that your package is big and your feet are small everyone's talking about both at the same time the problem the problem with the hypothetical is he needs to make his the dick really bad and he was like yeah you know you have normal size feet and like your dick's okay it's a little bit small but it still gets the job done i'd probably i might pick that just because it's like all right well that sounds like everything's normal but if it's like a tiny dick or a big dick i don't care about my feet size yeah you're right i was like you know what i mean i do have a i have a buddy who we have lady legs i have a buddy with really small feet where he's i mean he's like an eight yeah he's a normal size person but like even he's, I mean, he's like an eight. Yeah.

He's a normal sized person, but like even an eight, I have one of those from an eight to five is cause like you don't notice it. I feel like a five, like I wouldn't be able to walk. I wouldn't be able to bounce properly. Right. Like, you know how they say Barbie dolls,

like their proportions. Yeah. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah. That's that you're a Barbie doll. Yeah. You're a human Barbie doll. Right.

I think I tip over. It's like, you're walking on like tiptoes. I need to go to the walk. If I can't, If I can't walk, then I'm taking feet. I feel like if a guy like Kevin Hart can be like 5'4

and be everything he is, you can get over tiny feet. You can overcome that with a big neck. You're right. Early results to the poll. 22% of people say they wear their socks more than once before they wash them. What? Wait, 22? Okay, 80-20. I think that's a lot of people say they wear their socks more than once before they wash them. What? Wait, 22?

Okay, 80-20. I think that's a lot of people. 20% of people just don't. That's crazy to me. This should be 99-1. I mean, again, I'll do it in a bind, but like a choice, like here's a drawer full of new socks, and then I can also wear those ones that I've already worn. I'll do that. I'm doing that right now.

I brought like four pairs of socks this weekend. The difference is John wears socks that are like part of his ensemble. I just have like this pair of black like, you know, cotton socks or this pair of black cotton socks or whatever. These socks are cool as shit, man. Yeah, they're cool. I got skull and crossbones.

Very cool socks those neighborhood or is that what is that I don't even know I think it's J.Crew that's cool I don't know if it's worth like having stinky feet for

but okay it'd be cool if they were clean it'd be real cool if they were clean last voicemail of the day is brought to you by MVMT I went out to

the baseball game forgot my sunglasses because also it wasn't that sunny when I was leaving. But now the weather is turning and you know my rules. I only wear sunglasses when the weather is warm. So crazy. So the winter is over. Weather is warm.

Now I will block the sun from my eyes. It's so much brighter in the winter. It's so much brighter in the winter. And also just the fact that you just look cool in sunglasses. I know. I know. But I have my rules, okay? A man has a code, and mine are, I don't wear sunglasses until the weather turns.

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What up, KFC? It's Brendan. Fourth time, long time. Quick hypothetical. Would you rather forget how to walk for the rest of your life like you can use all your limbs to do anything else except you just don't know how to walk anymore um you're not any weaker or any stronger but you just can't walk or would you rather forget how to eat for the rest of your life so you can walk get around do anything else in your life fine So you can walk, get around, do anything else in your life. Fine. But you just can't figure out how to eat.

So you basically need assistance and pretty much need to be fed for the rest of your life. Thanks. All right. So pretty much either way you need assistance the rest of your life. You either need assistance getting around or assistance eating. And I think you got to take the assistance of eating. I mean, you have to, if you can't get anywhere, you need assistance 24-7. If you need assistance eating, it's like, you know, three times a day. That's a good point.

That's a good point. What I was thinking of was the scene in... Upside? The Upside with Kevin Hart and Bryan Cranston, which I think is a very underrated movie. That movie was great. I love that movie. I can't wait until it comes out on demand. It hit his mark.

It hit 100 mil. Did it hit him? Oh, okay. Which is crazy because it was kind of like a smaller release and it wasn't as usual

like slapstick comedy. It's like, if he's in the movie, it does 100 million dollars every time. Even like the heartfelt departure from what I usually do,

100 mil. That was, when he said that, that was such a flex. I don't win awards, but every movie I do. Yeah, never won an Oscar.

Every movie I do makes 100 million dollars. Oh, no, it was still worth 100 million dollars. Yeah, I mean,

fuck it. But yeah, he goes on a date, he meets, Bryan Cranston's a paraplegic, meets, he has this pen pal, they have this wonderful

relationship with writing letters. Kevin Hart convinces him, why don't you actually go on a date with her meets her she's lovely in the beginning but she has to like feed him soup and he like spills it and it's like like dealing it's like feeding a child and she gets like turned off and basically ends ends things right which yeah that's a heartbreaking she was okay with she was okay with wheelchair it was right so yeah right okay that's a good point so all was okay with wheelchair. It was the feeding that made her. Right. Okay, that's a good point. So, all right, I know you can't walk. She was down.

But having to feed someone is like you're treating them like a child, basically. So if you think about it in terms of relationships, maybe your love life would be better if you can eat but can't walk. But just like day-to-day, getting to work, doing this, doing that, I feel like you have to be able to travel. Yeah, I mean, my very last question, I said I have to be able't walk. But just like day to day getting to work doing this doing that I feel like you have to be able to travel. Yeah. I mean my very last question I said I have to be able to walk.

Yeah. So if I can't walk then I guess I guess I'm going to take a walk. I'm going to take a walk every time. Be able to walk. Yeah. Yeah me too.

It's just because I would just be like almost like I do with my pants where I'm like I'll just do it. Like I'll just whatever. I don't want to make anything more difficult than it has to be. So I just wouldn't go outside. like almost like I do with my pants where I'm like, I'll just do it. Like, I'll just, whatever.

I don't want to, I don't want to make anything more difficult than it has to be. So I just wouldn't go outside. I'd be like, well, right. Which is like kind of what I do now. It's going to say, you know,

the upside of, uh, the upside for me, I'm not being able to walk is team indoors for life. And you have an excuse. No one bothers you about it, you know? But also like,

I couldn't live in my apartment right now if i was in a wheelchair because inexplicably the elevator's been broken for six weeks yeah you just can't get up and down your stairs and luckily i'm on the third floor there are like 13 floors in this building people just walking up 13 flights i guess they must i would tell the landlord like no you have to get me a hotel for the next like six months yeah it's done i Until this is done. I mean, you have to, right? Yeah. No. Those people have to be living there for free or something like that, right?

Right. If I got home and there was a note on the elevator that said, out of commission for the next few weeks, I just figured I don't live here. Yeah, I would move. I'd just go to a hotel. Right. These are my clothes. 100%. I'd walk up 13 flights of stairs.

What is this, 9-11? Like, yeah. 100%. I'm walking up 13 flights of stairs. I guess 9-11. Is there a dirt attack in here? Give me the clown pole. He's fucking stairs. This is 9-11. It's great stuff. You know what is great stuff?

I can't believe I forgot to mention that Tom Segura is on this fucking episode. I haven't mentioned it once. Hey, funniest comedian and podcaster alive. He's on the show today. Maybe one time, Kevin. Explain it. Well, the drip god, the four-stroke gang is in the building. Tom Segura is on the show.

He came through. I mean, he's just one of the funniest in the fucking game, man. This interview is brought to you by ButcherBox. I got my ButcherBox. It arrived. Let me tell you, you know what the second best thing about the ButcherBox is? The meat. The first best thing? It's packed with dry ice, which is awesome.

I started playing with it. It's so cool. Just like smoky and shit. I threw it in the sink and it was like smoking up. You didn't touch it with your hand. No, no, no. It's so cool. Just like smoky and shit. I threw it in the sink and it was like smoking up. You didn't touch it with your hand. No, no, no, no. But I almost did. It looked like a regular ice cube.

I didn't realize until on the packaging it said do not touch. I just threw it in the sink and then I turned the water on. It was like, and the smoke was going everywhere. I was like, I got meat and a science experiment here. Butcher Box is the best. I got two boxes of Butcher Box. You did? They sent me one and I was like, you know what? This isn't enough. I got two boxes of ButcherBox. You did? They sent me one, and I was like, you know what?

This isn't enough. I got to buy one, too. Wow. I got the mixed box, so it's beef, chicken, and pork. I probably would just go all beef next time. I like the beef. Yeah, but you're being healthy. You got to eat those white meats.

Red meat's bad for you, man. No, fuck that. It's not bad for you. Fuck that noise. I'm a beef guy i don't i'm not too much of a pork guy and i don't really know how to cook chicken well so i'm just going all beef with mine but that's the best part you can do all beef you can do beef and chicken you can do beef and pork or you can do a mixed box like a custom box where

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Drip God. Talk to him. We recording? Yeah. All right. Second time for Tom Segura in the building, live in the flesh. Actually, the first time that you're doing the Feidelberg, though. Last time it was Ian Francis.

What happened last time? I don't know. What the fuck happened? I honestly got it. I think it was just in the morning. It probably was that. I'm sorry. I didn't wake up in time.

I think it was in the morning. No, I knew it was happening. But I think I had something to do that morning. I appreciate you, man. You texted me like 11 o'clock the night before being like, Tom's a gross guy. Yeah, it was a last-minute thing. Can't make it.

Can't make it. You should call that the name of this episode. I'm surprised you didn't just get up and walk out right now. I'm not a morning guy. I'm not a morning guy. Oh, I love it. What's wrong with you? No one likes the morning. What do you consider the morning, though?

I don't like it. I'm incapable of participating. Wait, do you have to be here at a certain time? No. So you're one of the big dogs? No, he's just a child. Yeah. He's one of the big dogs, yes.

I'll answer for him, yes. It's like, but I just... How many big dogs are here? Oh, boy, I, yes. It's like, but I just. How many big dogs are here? Oh, boy, I'm going to get in trouble, but I'll say six. Dude, the people want to know. Six. And you're one of the six? I'm the fifth employee ever.

So you can do what you want. I mean, to an extent, yeah. Do you have equity? No. Touchy subject. Hey, man. You ain't shit. Hey, you ain't shit.

Start coming earlier No Employee number five is a pretty big deal man I can come whenever I want You're number five it's a big deal I can come whenever I want because I don't I don't participate in getting yelled at If I get in trouble I just say I'm not doing this And I just walk away

Employee number five for real That's wild We got shirts about it I get in trouble, I just say, I'm not doing this. And I just walk away. Yo, employee number five? For real? For real. That's wild, man. We got shirts about it. I didn't know until I got my shirt. But when I got my shirt, it had number five on the back. Wow.

Yeah, in August, it'll be a decade for me. Ten years at this fucking place. Ten years for you. What employee number are you? Yeah, probably. Two or three? Yeah. So can you come in whenever you want?

Yeah. I do whatever the fuck I want, bro. So when do you guys normally show up? No, but I mean, we can, but we're here. It's a pretty normal job. I mean, I'll get in between 9 and 10. But not you. And leave around 5?

No, I'm 10 to 11. 10 to 11. Yeah. Okay. He's got kids. He has to get the fuck out of the house. I'm with you, dude. Dude. I used to be like fuck out of the house. Oh, yeah. I'm with you, dude. Dude.

I used to be like, I used to chill so hard. Before we had kids. You got little ones too, right? I have two little ones. I used to go to bed casually every night, like 1.32. Absolutely. Right? And I was just like, whatever.

And I would wake up somewhere between usually like 11 and noon. I was like 30. 32. And I didn't think twice about it. And my wife didn't make me feel weird about it. Was she up? She would be up because she always fell asleep earlier. We still do to this day.

But now, fuck, man. Now it's not an option, bro. If I see midnight, I'm like, this is going to be bad. Your wife didn't make you feel bad about it back then yeah no he's got a keeper that's how he's a keeper that's how i knew the last relationship i was in that's how i knew it was over because she would go to work in the morning and i would just be like chilling in bed i'd be at her apartment and i could see in her eyes she'd look at me and she'd be you are such a piece of shit. It's 9.45 in the morning.

You're just chilling. You're just working on your laptop in bed. I'm like, yeah, I'm just fucking hanging out. See you later. If she's not cool with that, yeah. It's over. It wasn't even me. It wasn't even like I have to get out of this.

It's like you're going to kick me out of this pretty soon. I can tell you're a team hero. You saw the play forming. That is true though. When I would stay at my girlfriend at the time's apartment, and she would go to work, and you stay there, like you just said. That's where it feels like you're, when you're like, no, go ahead. You go to work. I'm just going to stay here in your place.

The weird thing is when somebody sees those signs on either side, and they're just like, I'm going to stay in this. Like, they'll feel the contempt of the other person about anything. I remember going out with a girl once who, like, out of the gate, she had a problem with certain language, and I was like, what? And she was like, I don't like people say this and that. Were they like, you know, was it real bad language or just like the normal language? She didn't like, I can't say it. Oh, come on.

Things like that. I was going to say, if it's like the C-bomb or something, I kind of understand. No, no. It's like, I can't say fuck. Okay. And I was just going to see it. I just went out with her. Is she a freak, maybe?

And see if I can get it in or something. But then, right away, I was like, yo, you're also boring? This is terrible. Did you make her pull the trigger? Because I'll write. I'm going to make you. You have to make the. I can tell what you want to do.

I'm going to make you say it. I'm going to make you request to end this relationship. Oh, no, no. I actually like, I love psychological trauma. So I just, I would do things like, I would do this thing where i would like like i kind of charm her and bring her along more and then i would just like stop calling stop texting and then i could see her freaking out having like kind of a little bit of a mental breakdown and i was just like your move but i mean i was really young you know know. You were like 30. Like 27. Yeah, yeah, I get that.

I mean, that's really what relationship is, right? It's all just mental warfare? It was high school. I mean, surviving a relationship is straight up mental terrorism. I get my ass kicked in this war every time. Do you have ghost chicks? I guess. It's not something I intentionally set out to do.

Yeah. But I guess it kind of just happens. And then what my trick is, is I think it's worse. She's shaking her head. It's the worst. I was talking to one of the other girls here. She's like, oh, you have to ghost. Like, that's the right way to do it.

And I was like, there's literally nothing worse. Guy or girl, it's the worst feeling in the world I wholeheartedly agree with that I prefer you don't tell me what's wrong with me don't tell me what you didn't like about me just disappear oh you like that oh I love it yeah don't break up with me just I'll be like well maybe she died you know what it's way

right and it's much more immature I'm a fan of it too but I know that like there's people who definitely don't want to feel that at all yo i would so much rather be told straight up i hooked up with a girl in college and like the next morning i was like the fuck am i doing you know like i i didn't i wasn't into her yeah so then i just act like i didn't know her and like she i would be like i would be like in the you know like a like the student union you know college and she'd be like in the student union in college,

and she'd be like right here, and I would just be like, yeah. And I would act like I didn't even know her. Was she like, yo, dude. I could see her pacing. You two are sick pops, man. When someone tries to just sit down and have an adult conversation, absolutely not. What makes you think, what about knowing me, seeing who I am? Yeah, that's true.

What makes you think I'm capable of having an adult conversation? Now, if they've ever gotten to the point that they have had sex with you, you've been inside of them, they should probably know, at least ballpark, that you're a sick fuck. Of course. The thing is, I'm always on. I'm never like, I'm a put together. No. But you see what you get. Yeah.

I'm straight up with you right away. And if I just disappear. That's why they like you, though. That's why they can't get enough Johnny. You're a project that needs to be fixed. Here's the thing. I'm fully aware that that was like super immature. Yeah.

Right? And like, I mean, I was in college. Now, I would feel like that is a barbaric thing to do but like you still do it i'd probably still do it but i i realized that it would probably feel better to just be like you know let's let's talk for a second yeah like adults but it just feel emotionally uh i don't want to go through the feelings. Because if I have that conversation, I've had it before once or twice. And what happens is if they're like, I don't want to not be in a relationship anymore, I'm like, okay, fine. And then I'll take the bullet.

I'll be miserable for like six months because until we have that conversation. Yeah, of course I'll stick out I'll ride it out for fucking years. You got to deal with that, though. There's something going on with you. Oh, buddy. We got a lot going on with me. There's a lot going on, but you can't be afraid of confrontation like that.

Terrified of it. Of course I can. Watch me. You got to start doing it, though. No, everything changes once you start facing. You taking jujitsu or what? What's going on? I just started boxing.

Yeah, it's going to help. It's going to bleed into your conversations too. Seriously. You got to start telling people what's up, especially these chicks that you're just plowing. No, I have a girlfriend. Now he does. Short nude. How long?

Six months, something like that. Yeah, all right. But you're about to wind out of that. So when you're done, I mean, six months, you've already taken it for a ride. You know where it's going to go. So this time you sit her down. You go, look, I'm fucking employee number five. And I got a lot of options.

I drop whenever I want. I come to school when I want to. I leave when I want. And there's chicks everywhere. It's New York City. Get the fuck out of here. All right. That's one way to do it.

I'll make you a promise right now. Not going to happen. Have you, since you had kids, has your work changed? Comedy, content, podcasts? I mean, I always have the thing where it's like it only makes sense to do stand-up about what's going on. So I don't do an hour of just being a dad. Yeah. But of course, you know.

It bleeds in, like you kind of said. It bleeds in. So I just try to have a unique bit and a perspective on that stuff. Yeah. And it's more than just kids. It's like how my life has changed. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, it's definitely in the new hour.

Yeah. I mean, I found once I had kids that really not many people, if any at all, really keep it real about kids. Yeah. And everything. I started a podcast here about that because it was like when when I was having kids, it was I would read all these books. Yeah. How to be a dad written by a dad, like dudes, dudes being dads. And it was all just so fucking lame and so not true.

And they don't tell you things like how much it's going to suck most of the time. It's a lot of work. And it's, and also we have these very, um, unconventional jobs. Yeah.

Like where we're, we're comics, you know, we're podcasters. We work sometimes as actors, as writers. It's like these, the weirdest hours.

So you need a lot of help. And we're traveling all the time. And we take turns. I'll be home next week. Yeah, so both of you guys. My wife's going out. It's crazy, right? So you're just kind of doing handoffs?

Yeah. I mean, she does. She's doing less weeks out, you know? Because the kids are so young. Yeah. How old are they? Eight-month-old and a three-year-old. So close to you.

Yeah, I'm like three-and-a-half, one-and-a-half. Yeah. That's pretty close. It's for sure in the trenches, no doubt. No doubt. You and Christina, how did that, like, unfold, like, as we're talking about this courtship process? Like, were you chasing her or was she chasing you?

Dude, we started doing shows together as open micers. Really? So, yeah. And then we were doing bringer shows, you know. What's that? Bringer shows are like when some fucking scumbag has a deal with a bar and he knows that you're a hungry comic and he's like, do you want to do 15 minutes? And you're like, yeah.

And you're like a year into stand-up. Yeah. And he's like, well, just like bring your friends. And then they just have to pay like 20 bucks to get in. Yeah. And then like you don't think, you're like, all right. And then your friends show up and they're paying 20 bucks to see total amateurs. Yeah.

But it's just like a hustle from that guy that does it. There's a couple of guys that do that like famously in LA. I'm sure they're here in New York too. So we would do those shows. And we were just friends. Like I was just friends with her. famously in LA. I'm sure they're here in New York too. So we would do those shows and just like, you know, and we were just friends. Like I was just friends with her and I went with her when she was dating, I went with

her and her ex-boyfriend to celebrate him passing the bar exam. While they were together? Yeah. Because we were just like comic buddies. Right. And like a group of us went out, we're celebrating Christina's boyfriend, he just passed the bar. Right. And like a group of us went out. We're celebrating Christina's boyfriend. He just passed the bar.

Yeah. And we're like all toasting. And then we go to a strip club like as a group. And we got to get him a stripper. And then all the people go, oh, ask Tom. He'd be the guy to ask. So then she comes up to me. She's like, everyone's saying you're like stripper guy. They ask about the stripper.

I'm like, why? And she's like, they said that you're the scummiest guy of the group. And I was like, all right. She looks pretty slutty. I don't know. Go to her. I didn't know any strippers. That one will grind her ass on that guy for sure.

And then we know. We just stayed friends. And then one of my friends hit me up and was like, hey, you know that they broke up? And she mentioned you or something. Yeah, they probably broke up because of you. You're the work friend who was like, I know you guys want to fuck each other. You were the cause of a lot

of mental warfare. That guy probably was like, you like that guy fucking Tom. And then she went and fucked you right away and then he was like, you confirmed it. I knew it was right. I don't think it was like, I think it was, they had a slower slow burn yeah and you know he went into

practicing law things probably got really I mean what a downgrade fancy lawyer to Tom to like a fucking feature act like what a bummer but now I make so much more than him it's crazy fuck your law man you're probably still in debt.

You're going to study for that test. I swooped in, though, when I got there. Yeah, you knew? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went over there. I got the signal. They were like, it's open season right now. Yeah, buddy.

I went in there. Do you? What's it like? I actually, you know what I would be able to have honest conversations is if it was on a podcast. Do you have, like, do you guys do, like, hash out a lot of your stuff on podcasts? Podcasts for some, you know what I would be able to have honest conversations is if it was on a podcast. Do you have, like, do you guys hash out a lot of your stuff on podcasts? Podcasts for some, you're right, dude. Like, you know, if somebody knows how to just talk and can be very disarming in these situations, all of a sudden you feel yourself, like, confessing on a podcast.

You're like, what's going on? It's just, it's the room, it's the people. Yeah, I'll lie right to your face, but you put a microphone in front of me and it's just like i don't know right yeah i think it's good for the relationship i also feel like it takes us back because we do a podcast your mom's house every week and we've been doing it for 10 years that that i think uh it kind of like resets that silliness of the beginning of the relationship where like we weren't we weren't even you know parents or anything yeah so we goof off yeah it's like it's almost like you step out of life into this like pretend play world and for a few hours you're kind of lost in it like just

being silly joking looking at clips i mean i was just listening to the podcast this morning and he's doing an ad read for uh manscaping shaving shaving his balls no it's literally called manscaper the company and she's like uh yeah i mean i took him for a spin afterwards like like spouse approved yeah you know and then she what'd she say she was like yeah i've always been attracted to you because you're just like a big hairy smelly beary bear. And Tom goes, oh, I kind of have a different perception of myself. Yeah, I do. She's like, you know what I like about you? You're like this scumbag.

I'm like, what? You could hear in his voice, he was like, oh, I think of myself differently. And she was like, no, yeah, that's it. That's what I like. I booked like a role in a movie coming up. Okay. And she's like, you know, I've always told you, you're going to make it playing these pieces of shit. And I'm like, no, it's not a piece of shit.

Not my goal. Not what I want. No. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not a piece of shit. Did I see you guys got a pilot? We didn't. It didn't go.

But yeah. We did. No. I mean, it's still a step in the right direction, man. It's par for the course. We did. We had a CBS pilot, wrote it, you know, went through the whole system, and then they were like, we're not going to make it. We'll edit that out.

Sorry. No, it's totally fine. I mean, we've announced it. I don't know. It feels almost like such a disruptor to what's going on. Like it would fuck up my touring. Right. It was almost like a blessing in disguise.

Yeah, it's kind of cool. I feel like it would have been more fun to get that like six years ago or something. Right. Well, I didn't realize you've been doing the podcast for 10 years. 10 years. So you guys, I mean, you were obviously comics for longer than that, but you still got in on the podcast game pretty early. Pretty early.

So most people I feel like are comics, and then they just pick up the podcast because that's what you do. Yeah, now it's like having a website. But, yeah, back then, yeah. I mean, I did it like probably like within a year of Joe doing it. I was on Rogan's like first. If you look at his early catalog, I'm in like six of the first 30. Wow. Because we used to go to his house yeah sit on

his couch i used to always be like he'd be like sit up dude all right because it was like on a couch you know and um i thought it was the dumbest thing i was like why are you doing this podcast in general yeah i mean because back then too no one was talking about them like now you're not making money and then yeah i was like are people really like, yeah, people are listening to this. And like, of course, now his is like. Ridiculous. Insanity. With having been doing it for 10 years, though, I feel like that would be, it would be awesome to have like relationship conversations and stuff like that.

But I would get, with me and Kevin, whenever we're talking outside on a podcast, like, I mean, outside the podcast studio, he'll be like, shut the fuck up. Save it for the show. Save it for the show. Yeah, that's true. Does that happen with you? Oh, yeah, yeah. Especially, there's this thing, too, about like, shut the fuck up. Save it for the show. Save it for the show. Yeah, that's true. Does that happen with you and your wife a lot? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially, there's this thing, too, about, like, you're driving over.

Like, we have a studio now, like, five miles from our house. So we're driving over, and you start talking. And if somebody starts a riff, that's good. And, like, if I'm like, oh, I'm like, just stop talking. Yeah, absolutely. Every time. Because you don't have it in your house, no? No.

You don't have a studio in your house? We did. We purposely moved it out of there. Because you have it in your house, no? No. You don't have a studio in your house? We did. We purposely moved it out of there because we kept having people come to our house. And I was like, I don't want you at my house. Oh, gotcha. That's interesting. You know what I mean? Like every time someone just shows up, like, oh, here's my kids and family.

That's true. I barely like you. Right. Yeah, like this episode actually ended up sucking, but you've been like in my bathroom. Yeah, I hate it. Yeah, interesting. We purposely got a studio. Now we're producing other podcasts.

Right. We produced one for Dr. Drew called Dr. Drew After Dark where he sits with comics. I was going to say, I've noticed him. I think he might have been on one with Theo recently. I've noticed him bopping around the podcast game promoting that, I imagine. Yeah, so that show blew up show is like, it blew up, like, for a brand new podcast. It's doing amazing.

That's where it's at, by the way. You get in that production game and you just start. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Just everybody else at work. Yeah, yeah. It's like our own little

barstool thing going on. Yeah, dude. I'm employee number one, dog. So, no, it's great. Like, he's amazing, by the way. He's such a pro. He's been in the game for a fucking eternity, too.

But, like, him with comics is, like, the best formula because he's this really smart, educated. He's grounded and knows, has a really good sense of what's right and wrong. And then he sits with derelict comics. Bobby Lee did an episode. Bert Kreischer did an episode. Steve-O did an episode. I did. Christina did.

So, like, and then he basically, you know, his whole time he's basically holding his head like, oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you guys? And it's great. It's just a great format. So you've been, I mean, that whole network of guys out there, like that Rogan, I kind of call it the Rogan mafia out there. You, I mean, you probably, like, number one i employ number one of that in a way right one of them early on early yeah definitely one of them i had i had just it's amazing like we we just did theo von recently we did andrew schultz after him and like the the the when when

you get the call from rogan when you get that dm or the text message like come on it's just like uh your your career and life is probably never gonna be the same now i mean for comics and those two guys really like made the best of those like andrew's doing he like the the youtube thing like putting out his content yeah uh theo's been you know he's doing his stand-up but like podcast wise putting out podcasts all the time and like doing different ones and really leaning into what works oh yeah yeah and then yeah when joe that cosine gets behind you on something like that yeah it's definitely going to expand your audience you know crazy man it's just it's you taking advantage of

that opportunity theo's theo was saying that he was scared when he got to the end he's like like getting a text from a girl like something off bumble or something like that we're like do i call back right now do i wait oh really he said he was laying in bed at like 11 end. He's like, like getting a text from a girl, like something off Bumble or something like that. We're like, do I call back right now? Do I wait? Oh, really? He said he was laying in bed at like 11 p.m. Being like, should I wait till the morning? Should I do it now?

I see when I when he did it to me, I was like, this sounds dumb because I was on episode. I was on episode two, I think. He's like, do you want a podcast? I was like, not really. I remember I walked out of his house with Red Band, who used to produce the podcast. You know, Brian? And now Jamie's the producer, but it was Brian for years. And we're walking out of Joe's house, and I

was like, why are you guys doing this? This is a waste of your time. I did. I was like, that was so dumb. And he's like, I don't... Even he was like, no, there's people like... There's something to it. Yeah, because it was also early Twitter. He's like, people are tweeting about it, and I was like, no, like, there's people like. Something to it. Yeah, because it was also early Twitter. He's like, people are tweeting about it. And I was like, okay.

Okay, losers. I mean, I'm kind of the same way with, you know, we've been doing this probably eight years, seven years, eight years, something like that. And we used to do it once a week. And it was kind of something we just did. Yeah. It was more of a hobby than whatever. And it ended up being one of the main reasons Churn and Acquired Barcelona was the podcast network. The reason why we've launched into what we are is basically because of the podcast network.

But even when we did it, it was once a week for years. Shout out Brendan. We were making no money. We were just slapping together. That's a lot of what it's turned into. And I've talked to Joe about this. It's still like the tip of the iceberg. Right.

I know. It still feels like it's in its infancy. Oh, for sure. Because the thing that still is yet to really happen, that it's going to happen, is that the Fortune 500s haven't embraced it yet. Right. But when they do, it'll be – when you start doing like, hey, Ford, Coke, Apple ads instead of like a bunch of – it will be nuts. I think Procter & Gamble was talking about that recently I think. I have a buddy who's like a business mind and he's like – like once a week he's like, promise me you will never stop doing the podcast.

Oh, you have to. It is just like you said. It's the tip of the iceberg. It's really, really young. It's going to be massive. Here's how important the podcast is to us. Last year, I shot a movie called Instant Family with Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne. So I had like five weeks in Atlanta.

I would fly back for like 30 hours and do the podcast so that it would still come out the same time every week between shooting this movie. Really? Like, I wouldn't even shut it down for that. You wouldn't? You couldn't do it, like, Skype? Like, remote? No, because, like, our whole thing was, like, you know, it's in studio. It's like, you know, we do a lot of video clips.

It's like I kind of had to be there for it. But, yeah, we don't, like, for anything. That's the bread and butter, man. Don't fuck with it. You can't. You can't disrespect it like that. That's why I always tell, like, they all tell you, like, oh, Tom, everyone I run into is like, you told me to do this. You're the guy.

I keep telling them you have to be consistent. Always. You put it out every Thursday at 1. It's coming out Thursday at 1. The audience expects it. It doesn't matter if it's 500 people or 5 million. Like, they're looking for it. So you got to keep doing it.

What are you talking about these days? We're chopping it up? What's the vibe on the pod these days? On the podcast these days? I don't know. Certain shit that you're just hitting on? Yeah. We've been canceling a lot of people recently.

I've been like, you've been canceling people? Yeah. Who's canceled now? Everybody. Yeah. I love cancel culture. I was actually early on the Barbra Streisand cancel. She got actually canceled after she said those Michael Jackson kids were thrilled to be hanging out with him.

Oh, I fucking make fun of people that are so stupid that they don't think he was a pedophile. Oh, my God. I mean, that is insane. And I would tell both of you to fuck yourself if you didn't think that. Oh, yeah. No. Don't worry. You're safe here.

We have brains. We're good. Listen to me. He fucked boys. Yeah. Okay? The fact that anybody gives any wiggle room on that is fucking insane, man. And we all knew it.

That's the great thing. We all knew that this amazing dancer and singer fucked boys. And we were like, but he can really dance and sing. Did you see the moonwalk? It looks like he's moving backwards while moving forwards. It doesn't matter. I'll tell you this. I'm turning 40 in a couple weeks, and I'm really trying to get, like, a major present out of it.

Okay. So I've been telling my wife, like, I want to get, like, a diamond Cuban link necklace, you know? So I met up with Richie Rich yesterday. I saw the Instagram. Yeah, yeah. He was in my hotel, and then he just texted me now. He's like, come by the store. So I'm trying to get that or buy a jet.

You got that? Oh, yo, so you're big money huh bro? yeah yo you weren't kidding when you said you make more than that lawyer bro or a jet? let me show you the what the fuck are we talking about right now? so wait wait what that means like how much is the fucking necklace?

if we're talking one or the other like I would imagine the jet is a lot more than the fucking necklace I'm trying to use it as leverage. Here's the thing. She thinks, maybe rightfully so. That's the rope. Oh, man.

Blank, blank. Yeah, so that thing's close to six figures. Okay. And she's like, that's so dumb. I'm not arguing that it isn't dumb. Of course it's dumb. That's the point. That's the point.

I'm the drip god, and I want to wear it. But she's like, yo, this is stupid. Kids have to go to college. So then what I do is I just keep going, like, what about a jet? Yeah. All of a sudden, the dumbass six-figure necklace looks like the good. And then I'm like, I can take the jet to work, and I can fly home after gigs. Like, fuck the next day thing.

Like, final gig of the week, boom. I'll be in bed at night. Kids go away to college, you go visit them whenever you want. But I think the plan is working, because now I keep bringing up jewelry and sending her pictures of, like, diamonds and shit, and she's like, so let me hear about this jet thing. So it's actually like a chess game. You've, like, this is like some Inception shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You tricked her into this jet. I'm going to have her being like, wait, how did we justify this jet? And I'll be like, you didn't want me to wear jewelry. It was either the drip god or a fucking private jet. You want me to be iced out or fly home? You didn't want me to wear jewelry, so we got a jet. Look, that's a suave move.

That's a good compromise. I like that. It was very, very smart. I can't believe she's getting played like that. Usually that's a suave that's a good compromise I like that it was very very smart I can't believe I mean she's getting played like that usually it's the other way around

I feel like usually the women are the ones tricking you into these things I was like I can get a jet card I was breaking down what the cards are when you buy hours

okay and then I was like or I could buy a jet and I showed her like one light jet it was like you know like light

like just you know seven like entry level and light jet. It was like, you know, like light, like just, you know, seven, like entry level. And she was like, she was like, uh, she goes, that thing's small. And I was like, right. She goes, I mean, if you're going to do it, I would get like a little bigger one. I was like, Hey, that's what I'm saying. So you're going to end up with a big jet and the fucking chain. What's the payment plan like on a jet? Well, you only have to put 20% down.

That's not bad. It's like buying a house that flies. Yeah, it's like the one I want to get, you put like a million down. So you put a million down, and then you have your operating costs and your variable costs. And here's the thing. I'm only going to use it 150 hours a year. I'll charter it the rest of the year, and then that brings down my operating costs. You might turn a profit, Tom. No,'s the thing. I'm only going to use it 150 hours a year. I'll charter it the rest of the year, and then that brings down my operating costs. You might turn a

profit, Tom. No, you won't. But as long as you bring some of those expenses down. I told you, I'm employee number one. Why don't you look into a yacht and some racehorses and all those other things that are very efficient. I did.

I looked into those. I'm sticking to the jet. Jet's where it's at, man. That's big money. We got to get some Segura money in our life. Fuck. I need live alone money. I'm going to start there. What?

Set the bar. What happened? What? You have roommates? Yeah. You're employee number five? Dog, this city's expensive, bro. Yeah, I want to talk to number one and two for a second.

See how hard they're... Two? One is in Vegas right now. You got to talk to the one. You're number two? I'm number... Like two and three at the same time. Yeah, right.

Who's one? Portnoy? The pizza guy? He ain't living alone. No. No, he's not living alone. I'll show him my jet. He'll be like, that ain't shit.

Portnoy. How's not living alone. I'll show him my jet. He'll be like, that ain't shit. Poor guy. How's he living? He's living with a raging addiction to gambling. So I think he's going to be living in the gutter soon. But he's pretty breaded up. But he gambles well above his means, I would imagine. He's rich, but he has about 500 grand. Dave's in his own stratosphere.

And then Dan and then – but, like, me, Dan, him are, like, or more are in the same ballpark. He's up there, but Portnoy's, like – You think Portnoy's gambling, like, half a mil? He had half a mil on one day the other day. He bet 50 unders. He had 500 grand out on one day. How'd he do?

I mean, well, that was, like, you know, you bet every single under. You're probably coming up, you know, even. But he had – He had 250 grand on the one day. How'd he do? Well, that was like, you know, you bet every single under, you're probably coming up even. But he had 250 grand on the Super Bowl. Really? And if he didn't win that, he would have ended Super Bowl week down to 600 grand? Yeah, so he hit that bet and was still down like three or four hundred grand for the week. Yeah, so it's bad.

No matter how rich you are. If you're rich rich, you gotta be rich rich to be able to take those losses. So you're saying he's a fucking degenerate? Is. If you're rich, rich, you got to be rich, rich. So you're saying he's a fucking degenerate? Is that what you're saying? His series is called The Degenerate Boys. Oh, well then I'm spot on. Gambling being legalized.

Aren't you so glad you don't have that gene? Like one vice I don't have. I love sports. Thank God. My whole life. I love football. Basketball, I'm a fan of basketball. I love football.

I've watched games since I was a child and never got the itch. I mean, like, I've been at a casino and they're like, you know, you're with friends and there's a sports book and you're like, okay, like 50 bucks or something. And you're like, sure. But it doesn't give me the, like the, you know. The high from winning does not even come close to matching the low of losing for me you know yeah no what about like table games blackjack shit that yeah i mean like i'll do it i'll sit with you guys like you guys want to hit the blackjack table right you know and like maybe maybe all of a sudden i'm stacked up i'll be like dude i'm

gonna cash out yes me too you guys want to go to the bar? Yes. That's where I'll spend my money. Yeah. I left my Jets right out. I'm going to go somewhere else. When I first started here, it was like, I mean, we didn't make money or anything like that. And but gambling was part of the culture. And I was like, all right, I'm going to start. I'm going to get into this.

And I was betting like $8 per college basketball game. And I was eating when i was getting money when i was just like not wasting it on stupid games i was eating tomato soup and with a slice of cheese on top and that was what i had every meal and then i started losing eight dollars you guys can see tom's face i started losing eight dollars a night and i was like i can't i can't afford this i have to just stop like i there's no way I can maintain my very high living standard if I keep losing $8 a night. So luckily I got out fast. I have every other vice imaginable.

Really? That's the one? I'd rather have all the others and not that one. Me too, honestly. The idea of just losing money because someone dropped a fucking ball is insane. I mean, when they're betting on college basketball, and it's like you're, you know, he was down 60 grand by 245 the opening day of the tournament. Also, I'm intimidated by numbers. You know, like Matt. Same, yeah.

So, like, I didn't even understand some of the things about gambling. I remember betting with heart, like, just teams I liked. And then, like, someone kicks a field goal at the end end and I'm like, oh, I won, right? And they're like, no, you lost. I'm like, no, but they won. They're like, yeah, but the spread. I'm like, the fuck's the spread? I didn't understand it.

And I was like, I'm not doing this. They're like the dumbest guys I know, but they start talking spreads, numbers. Two and a half. I mean, they can do all that math all of a sudden. It becomes sense. When they have games that will end with just a meaningless three-pointer, and Dave will fall back in the shit like that's a $60,000 swing. You lost $60,000 on a meaningless three-pointer?

I mean, he's really— He had the first two games of the tournament, he had $30,000 on each of them, and they both were heartbreaking losses. So by 245, he was down $60,000 because some scrub on senior night, they put the senior in for one minute of play, and he bombed a three. Dude, this is insane levels of gambling. I'm almost—

The board of directors is going to sit him down. See, that's what I'm saying. I'm woke to it. I feel like they're almost in on this or some shit. He doesn't have enough money to bet like this. He doesn't. Is it all through a bookie? Yeah.

Yeah. Jesus. But now that it's through a bookie? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. But now that it's been legalized, they go to Jersey. You can bet there. But a lot of it's through a bookie. You know what? This is the thing about him, though. One time, and this is just the way life has worked out for Portnoy,

between timing of it all with the internet and the way Boston teams won. Everything always falls into place for this guy. One time, back in Boston, he was down a quarter of a mil. And his bookie was like, it's time to pay up. Like, enough's enough. And his bookie died. Just fucking died. 250 grand.

Gone. No, no, like. Did he clean slate? Yeah. Yeah. He is not there anymore. Yeah. So.

I remember he said it on the rundown.'s like oh by the way my bookie died today Awesome Hey how about that Cool break huh And I remember sitting there being like You motherfucker Like I wanted you to pay off that $250,000 It's unreal man

That's the kind of life he's living right now He's a gangster running this place right now I know it's no joke Thanks for having me It's unreal, man. That's the kind of deal. That's the kind of life he's living right now. There's a gangster running this place right now. Oh, yeah. Right? I know. I know. It's no joke. Thanks for having me. No, we won't wrap it up here, though.

I feel like we go on for hours and hours. But, I mean, you got to get back to that private jet and fucking. Look, I haven't. I don't have it yet. I want to make sure. Next time you come on the podcast. People know I don't have either one. But I'm turning 40, and I hope my wife is listening.

When is the birthday? April 16th. Oh, so it's coming, coming. Do you and your fans have to harass her? You'll have that tax break? Oh, I've had them harass her. Okay. And she is not into it.

Do you want us to stick our people on it? We're very good at weaponizing social media. I think it'd be cool. Here's what I would say. It'd be cool if you just messaged her. She's at weaponizing social media. I think it'd be cool. Here's what I would say. It'd be cool if you just message her. She's at Christina P. Okay. Christina P. on Instagram.

You can see her. Blue check mark. Just be like, so is Tom getting that jet or what? I'll just drop that. And then, you know, he does look super fly in that chain. And not like a scumbag at all. Right. No piece of shit at all.

And then, I mean, if you want to be like, he should probably get both, I think that would be a cool thing, too. Like, wouldn't it be awesome to be married to the drip god? Yeah. I mean, have you considered- You kind of are. You just haven't come out of his shell yet. Are you bribing her with, like, has she countered?

Like, I'll get you the jet if I can get the- No. Because she knows they don't just say yes to whatever it is. No, she keeps bringing up the kids' college. Ah, fucking lame. It's so boring. College, honestly, genuinely. I went to a bunch of colleges. I didn't graduate from a college, but –

And look at you. I agree. You're doing great. Tomato soup sandwiches, man. I don't think my kids are going to college. Every time she brings it up, I'm like, what's up with scholarships? For real. Let's get on one of those.

I mean, how much is college going to be? That's what I'm saying. The bubble's got to burst. It's going to be prohibitively expensive. What are we even saving for? It's going to be $200,000 a year. But I can't. It's like right now top tier places are like over $60,000.

Yeah, not even. And that's not even. Mid-range is like fucking. That's not even. That's like tuition. Right. I think I've read B.U., which is a good school. Good school.

Nothing to write home about. I guess you can write home. You tell your mom you got in. But it was like $72,000 a year to go to B.U. Right now? Yeah. See, I didn't think that was real. That's crazy.

At 72 there? Yeah. How much is Harvard right now? Probably like $100. I think George Washington was always like the most expensive. Yeah. I imagine that's got to be. By the time you add another fucking 18 years when our kids are going, it's going to be

like 130 a year. That's got to stop. I'm saying that's going to change. I've been predicting the college bubble's going to pop since I was in high school because I didn't want to go to college. So I was like, the bubble's going to burst soon. We don't need that. Do you know what I'll do?

There's no need for it. When my kid's ready to go to school, I'll take off that chain. Sell that shit. Do whatever you want with that. That's what Warren Buffett did, right? Took off his chain? Warren Buffett gave his kids

like a hundred grand. I'm like, you can go to college, you can start a business, you can do whatever you want. A hundred grand. I would just blow it all. Dude,

he denied his daughter a ski trip. That's like a famous story. I don't know that. Yeah, like she went up to him and she was like, oh, there's a ski trip that I want to go on. He was like, yeah. She was like, you have like $30 billion. He was like, nah. Yeah, I do.

You don't. Yeah. So. I mean, he's still, he's a weirdo though, man. That shit annoys me. Like he still lives in his fucking parents' house, the house he grew up in. He lives in a flip phone. You're a billionaire.

Be a fucking billionaire. What's the point of being a billionaire if you don't have it? Imagine being a billionaire and living in Omaha. That's crazy. Look, nice people there, but get the fuck out of here. So when the people, when you talk to a billionaire, like we all live in this – admit it, right? This material world. It's fun to hear about like – I'm joking about shit, but it's like planes and toys, right?

You ever see like Bill Gates in an interview? It's the worst. They're like – Wasting away. You have a $75 million house. He's like, vaccines are really what I want to talk about. They're like, just – all we want to talk about and they're like just all we want to hear about like your golden toilet man like a super villain yeah yeah and then cuban

on the other hand is game he'll be like i got five planes i got a basketball team shit is the point of being rich if you're not going to spend it and then what's the point of spending if you're not going to brag about it i mean a little bit it's like you know he's not being a dick about it yeah you're like dude what's that like we're interested i don't going to brag about it. I mean, a little bit. It's like, you know, he's not being a dick about it. Yeah. You're like, dude, what's that like? People are interested in it. I don't want to hear about turning toilet water into clean water. Yeah. Look, it's a noble cause.

Of course. Go do that. But I don't want to talk about it. We know the vaccines are important. Yeah. Well, do we? At this point? What is up?

We're getting to the stage where we're like, we don't know if it's important anymore. No? Vaccines? Well, I think they are. But I think the population as a whole, we're starting to lean the other way. Like, you think that we should just let them die? No, no, no.

Let's be very clear here. I am not anti-vax. I am pro-vax. You're right. But like, what was that town in Illinois that just had to be like, there are so many kids who aren't vaccinated, they had to be like, look, you guys can't go outside anymore. Oh, I see what you mean. There's like a measles outbreak.

Like, you guys have to stay inside. You can't go to the mall, look, you guys can't go outside anymore. There's like a measles outbreak. You guys have to stay inside. You can't go to the mall, supermarkets, school. I think it's one of the dumber things that's ever happened to humanity. This movement. It's almost like what happened with... That and people who don't believe Michael Jackson. With telemarketers. We beat telemarketing and now I get

five telemarketer calls a day. The spam calls? Yeah. How do we just let them back? And we did it with the measles now. They'll get like your prefix you know on the spam call yeah these are like

almost my number yes it's a whole it's all all of them are always from Massachusetts bitch I know

you're not if you're if you're against vaccinations kill yourself that's a good start seriously weed yourself

out of humanity there's this pesky little thing called medical research and you can actually read about proven yeah the tests that have been done but i mean i love you know how and then there's you're not a doctor you can weigh on it too it's cool yeah every now and then there'll be a story like you know an anti-vaxxer couple like die of measles and i'm like fuck yeah yes I love it

there's a kid in Ohio who's suing his parents he's like I need a vaccine and his parents are like no we don't those people they should absolutely be killed let me get my fucking vaccine please imagine being 12 years old having to sue your parents just so you can go see a doctor I also like

I don't have any I don't embrace conspiracy theory people you know that's the kind of person I would kind of nudge into traffic like what one for instance he doesn't think we land on the moon yeah no no he's a nice enough guy I nudge him I'll take care of him

I'll look at you and then you give him the nudge the thing about the moon one I nudge them. I'll take care of them. No, no. Yeah. I'll look at you and then you give them the nudge. Yeah. The thing about the moon one, okay, that's unbelievably dumb is that the level of the conspiracy that would have to take place to pull that off, it's impossible. Think about keeping a secret. But yeah. It's impossible.

The level of a secret. Think about keeping a secret between you and a couple people. Won't happen. The amount of people that would have to be involved to keep the secret. Do you believe in aliens? Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Do you believe that that is being – there's any sort of secret about that?

Dude, there's aliens in my neighborhood. But like – How so? Hang on. Let's not glance over that. What kind of aliens? They came from Valmar. They live on the Dumond sign, and they come down,

and they'll harvest coconuts and grass and stuff like that, and then they go back to Dalmat. What's Dalmat? Is it a planet? Is it a place in the galaxy? I've only been to L.A. twice. It's a neighboring galaxy. Okay. They're all over California

I believe that I wholeheartedly believe in it you really don't think the moon landing is real? I like to fuck around but the alien thing is the same logic if people knew then we would know because nobody can keep

that secret yeah that's probably true. I mean, if you use the moon landing one as an example, you'd have to have like hundreds of people in on keeping. But same thing with the aliens. But do you think that there's known aliens? They're like, we know about these aliens. I kind of do, yeah.

Maybe. But I do agree with that logic that if one guy knew, if someone in an area knew, they would tell his wife and his wife would tell his friends. Human beings can't do it.

No, can't keep a secret. They really can't. I mean, the highest levels of the government and top secret things leak still. Right. They leak. And that's the one

that I would never be able to keep that secret. If I knew about aliens, if I knew about JFK, if I knew about any of that shit, I would be like, yo, dude, guess what? We got a huge podcast this week. I would just tweet it. I think what's natural is to want to know these things

and our mind wants to go like, there's more out there. Absolutely. And, like, this possibility is a possibility. So it's entertaining, too. Right. It makes your mind kind of dance. Yes. You're like, this is pretty cool, right?

Yeah. But the reality is that most, most, not all, most of those, like, far-fetched things are actually that. Yeah. There's a, you know. Don't ruin my fun. Hey, look. Can we agree that Mattress Firm is a drug front? I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page there. That's not a conspiracy.

That's just something called reality and logic. You can drop a body off there, and they'll take care of it for you. 100%. You can get a mattress there, but you also can drop a bottle. Los Amigos? Los Pollos Hermanos. Exactly that. The basement of a mattress firm is just

bodies dissolving in acid. Exactly. And Garth Brooks definitely definitely has killed how many people you think? I don't know this one. What is that one?

Garth Brooks? He's like an assassin or some shit. Garth Brooks is an assassin? Garth Brooks is probably the most allegedly, I should say, the most prolific serial killer in American history. Why? Are you serious?

Yeah, I don't know. Look, I believe Garth Brooks has killed and will kill again, but I just don't know look i believe garth brooks is killed and will kill again but i just don't just explain it to me a little more okay go on his social media just watch a video of him hey everybody i'll see you at the show tonight wide-eyed you see you can see just vacant dead soulless eyes and he just talks to you in a way that he tried. You could tell that there's not a human being, you know, inside. And he just kind of is, you know, getting people to come to these shows. Now he's doing stadiums.

There's like countless people there. A lot of people just disappear. And then people go missing after these shows. Really? And then he's just like, hey, see you in Phoenix. And yeah, there's without a doubt. Was his victim the old woman he had sex with on that farm?

I don't know. He has a several hundred acre ranch. I mean, I'm sure one day. You bought his tour bus? It was his? Yeah, so there's probably been murdered dead bodies on there. There's probably been murders on there. Oh no! 1000%! Oh no, I didn't know that! And he dismembers, cuts people's hands off.

He probably had a Dexter room on that RV. It's still there. We gotta find it. We could probably open up the panels and find some bones and shit. We might be able to blow the lid off this thing. Dude, that is not a conspiracy theory. That's just a fact. That dude is murdering people.

It's Tom Seura, everybody. Thanks, brother. Thank you. Alright, so that's Tom Segura. Christina, if you're listening, let the drip god flex. Get him like the diamond rope necklace. Get him the rope necklace and the jet. just do both

you guys are killing it you're both famous you're both rich whatever here's the thing if you have the necklace people are gonna be like

oh that guy's got private jet money where's your private jet and if you have a private jet you can't be like a schlub getting on your private jet where's your diamond money

so if you're gonna do one you gotta do both if you're listening to this, tell Christina. Holler at your girl. Tweet Christina. Tweet at her. Comment on her IG pictures.

Get Tom the Jet. Please do that. Please pause the podcast and go tweet at her. Go let Christina know that the drip god needs to live. He needs to breathe. You can't cage the drip God. Okay. Let them be on the jet.

Let them flex on the haters with the rope, with the rope necklace and let them live. Next up, we got Richard kind, all time legendary actor. You've seen him in a million things, you know, from a curb,

your enthusiasm. And, uh, he's such a nice guy. He was so cool. And we found out, thanks to John, the research god over here. John does all of our research for interviews, which is, I bet, surprising to people. I bet they think it's not.

I bet they would think it was the other way around, that I would do the research. Did John say something? John doesn't seem like a research kind of guy. Right? But he always comes with a full notebook of notes. It's like high school. I'm like, yo, can you send me your notes? What do we got today? And he was the one who

found out as we were going into it that he was Clooney's best man. Yeah, Clooney was his best man. And he'll tell you why. Yes. It's a pretty good reason why. It's a great reason why.

And also, you know, we've heard some things about some like cloak and dagger type of behind the scenes stories about George Clooney before that Richard Kind can shed some light on. So very interesting interview with a very nice, very well-known guy. It's Richard Kind on KFC Radio brought to you by ZipRecruiter. You got a new business, you're starting a new blog, you're starting to sell things. Whether you got a commerce website, you're putting out content, whether you have a small business, big business, if you're trying to fill a void, if you're trying to fill a role,

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There we go. All right. I can talk. It's KFC Radio. This is completely different. This is different than anything I've said earlier. What's that? I'm not where I am.

Oh, yeah. What's that? We got Richard K Kind live in studio. I think you're one of the most prolific actors any of us have ever seen. Yes, but that does not mean good. Well, I think. That just means a lot. But when you combine your skills and your performance with that sort of prolific list, you get the best of both worlds.

That's what I was getting at. Yeah, you know him from countless things. His latest endeavor is season three of Brockmire, which if anybody has listened to our show, we are enormous Brockmire fans. Wait, is the mic on?

I can't hear him. I can't hear him either. Should he just be quiet? I'm on three? Okay. We're going to keep going. What is your favorite show you've been on? Because you've been on so much. That's a good question.

I can give you a favorite episode. Okay. Curb Your Enthusiasm, the Black Swan episode. That just killed me. Yeah. Just killed. I enjoyed doing it. I enjoyed the fact that that there was this black swan and I got to play golf.

I was outside. I'm with four people who I adore, adore, adore. I was laughing the whole time. It got so bad. You know, Larry breaks up all the time. He's he just laughs and laughs. And so when the Asian guy who owned the club was berating us, we were both laughing. And then all of a sudden, Larry stopped laughing. I didn't.

And he – did I just burp on the podcast? It wouldn't be the first time. It won't be the last. My kids, if you're listening, I held it in. Anyway, I just kept laughing. He actually got angry. He's like, all right, Richard, enough, enough. But that's my favorite.

And my favorite TV show, did you see Red Oaks? No. No, I've never seen Red Oaks. Yeah, you've never even heard of it. No. Three seasons. Are we allowed to curse on this show? Oh, you can.

Whatever you want. Yeah, fuck you. What channel is Red Oaks on? You'll have heard of the channel. Amazon. Oh, okay. It's called Red Oaks. Oh, you'll love it.

Yeah? What's it about? It's about a kid in college who is an assistant tennis pro at a country club during the summer. Okay. I like it. Oh, it's a great show. It's wonderful. I thought you were going to say psych.

No. Fuck psych. Psych? What, are you kidding me? It's because you like psych. Yeah, I like it. I was like, he's going to say psych. I bet he's going to say psych.

Oh, my God. I can't even remember doing psych. You just did that one for the paycheck? I do them all for the paycheck. My guy. By the way, I'm just reading this little excerpt of Red Oaks. It's pretty funny. And it says his father is urging him to buckle down and improve on his grades.

Quote, a C is a Jewish F. I like that. Oh, it's great. It's wonderful. It's a good line. And then a line that I wrote, I get, I think, a heart attack. And my wife is telling me, I told you, I told you to eat well. My wife played by Jennifer Grey, by the way.

Okay. Oh, yes. Not bad. She makes me look very handsome. And she's yelling at me. She goes, I told you to start to eat well. Now you have a heart attack. I go, well, I tried to have a stroke, but I didn't know what the difference was.

Anyway, it's a very lovely show. It's a good show. Well, now you're on the Brockmire, which, I mean, we have been on Brockmire since the beginning, and it's one of those shows, you know, being on IFC, it's a little bit unorthodox, and sometimes people are a little, you know, they're not used to a new channel. And I remember saying, like, you have to go watch this show. If you like baseball, if you like comedy, any of it, you have to go watch it. I think it is that fucking funny.

And really nasty, nasty humor. I mean, they let it fly. Okay, you got to understand, the way that I knew Hank doing this is I've known Hank for many, many years, a very dear, dear friend, many years. We play poker together. We still play – well, he is in a higher echelon. He's got that Simpsons money. You know what Simpsons money is like? Have you ever walked by a payphone or – well, you probably haven't.

But in the old days, you would go by a payphone and you would reach haven't but uh in the old days you would go by a payphone and you would reach in and see if there was a quarter there yeah whenever hank stops by a payphone and does that there's a quarter that's that's what improvisatory mind because if he gets into that character, he'll go for an hour. And he was doing this character. And he actually used to do it at lunchtime with friends of ours. And I can't do it, but they would be doing Vin Scully at lunch. Really? That's what they would be doing. And then they would go, what if Vin Scully said this about hookers?

Or what if Vin Scully said this about anal sex? And it got raunchy. Years went by, and he would continue doing this character. And somebody saw it and said, there's something really good in it. There's a movie in this. And then it actually tried to become a movie. It didn't. And it became a TV show, and I am astounded at the longevity of it because how do you keep what is in essence a joke humane?

And he did it. He makes it humane that there's emotion and that you care about him while all the time what we're laughing at is the ridiculousness of this, of the humor and the baseness of it. And yet these stories continue. It's astounding that he can do that. It is, but he mentioned that with us where he said he liked to make the joke that, you know, like you said, like talk about anal, but then interrupting with like, and just outside three and two. And that is the whole show is based off that.

Just like how funny it is to have basically interrupt stories with the count. And to take that and be able to stretch it into how many episodes. Well, yeah, but on the opposite side of giving you the count is I'm going through a horrible divorce. Right. Very, very talking about I'm going through a horrible divorce and Right. Very, very kind of. And talking about, I'm going through a horrible divorce. And it just cracks me up. The cast is unbelievable too. Amanda Peete has been great.

And now yourself, J.K. Simmons, Martha Plimpton added on. So I feel like. I know, Linda Lavin, she's brilliant. It's,

you know, it's a heavy hitter cast now. It's not some little, you know, little indie project anymore. Well, that's because they give us very little money.

So why wouldn't we want to come on and say, hey, insult us with this paycheck? I like it. I'm proud to be on it. And the killer is, and Hank will kill me for that, he made me audition. Did he? The fucker. Wow. And you guys, you go way back, it sounds like, he made me audition. Did he? The fucker. Wow. And you guys, you go way back, it sounds like, right?

Way back. Holy shit. So what do you say? I would have said, fuck you. If this guy made me audition for something, I would legitimately not do it. I would say, like, not only am I not doing it, our friendship is fucking over. I know. What's wrong with you?

I'll tell you why. First of all, I think every actor should audition because you never know what the actor's going to bring, how it's going to sound out loud. You're going to have a part that's written for somebody and oh my gosh, we don't jive. That's not how I see it at all.

So honestly, I think even maybe not on, just sit across a table and read it out loud and go oh yeah, OK, OK. Then when you walk on set, you said this is – why are you so surprised? I said that this is what I was going to do and you patted me on the head and gave me the job. So I believe that that's what should happen. The second thing is his partner and the producer of the show, although he knew my work, this is his baby,

and he wanted to. So he passed the buck and blamed that guy. But ultimately, fuck you, Hank. That's the bottom line. Well, I mean, I take it it went well. Was it maybe a formality of sorts, like you said, just kind of to get it out there, or you really were being tested?

Oh, I was being judged. I can't get over that. That's fucked up. It is fucked up. Well, I think they made the right choice. And then you know what I said? I said, are you making J.K. Simmons audition? Yeah.

Yeah, and he goes, yeah, he came in with a monologue from Summer in Smoke. That's a joke because you guys are into sports and you have no idea. You have no reference for that joke. That went right over the head. I know, but I'm sure you don't. However, what I did is I laughed because I felt like I was supposed to laugh. You were supposed to laugh. So I laughed.

I know. I'm the guest. I agree. Of course you are. You're supposed to suck up to me. Very funny. Nailed it. Yeah.

I knew you wouldn't get it. It's okay. But for those of you at home who did, congratulations. Well, I learned a little bit about you doing a little bit of research. You're very big into – you won a bunch of awards for plays on stage. I did, which you haven't seen. No, I haven't. No, because you didn't get the Summer in Smoke reference.

But I find that to be very impressive. When I see that, I'm like, oh, this guy, he's not fucking around. He's an actor. I often say that the only reason I do TV is that TV is my waiter's job. It lets me do theater. Got it. But it's tough. And I got three kids who are young.

How old? I have a 17-year-old and 14-year-old twins. Oh. I know. And I live in New York, and that's ridiculous. Yeah. And so it's tough to do plays. It just is because there's a finite audience for plays and so there's a finite budget.

Yeah. I was going to say even less than the money they're paying you for Brockmire, I'm sure. That's what it is. So, I mean, but Brockmire is – we did it quickly. I don't have to devote a year, year and a half to doing it. Right. So I can do it. Yeah. I also learned it was, you know, when we do research, we read your Wikipedia page. That's that's quote unquote research for us. And there's one section and

it says politics. And I click on it on Wikipedia. Yeah. And I'm thinking like, oh, boy, is he, you know, is he heavy into politics? I just got to know, you know, what we're getting into. And it just says Richard supported Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley in the 2016 election. That's it. That's the extent of your political character. I'll tell you two things without hoping

not to bore you. Number one, no, I didn't. Well, that's kind of why we were laughing about it. I was like, what the fuck is this? I'll show it to it. I was like, what the fuck is this? Go up. Hold on. I'll show it to you.

I believe you. No. Don't you want the explanation? Yes. Yes. You watch Stephen Colbert? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, this is a Colbert thing. Colbert did a very, very funny thing. I was with a group called the Creative Coalition at the Democratic Convention back in 2016. Martin O'Malley was running. And they did a funny bit of me being a super fan of Martin O'Malley. No. And you can go on it. Go on Stephen Colbert and Richard Kind, Martin O'Malley, or do that and you'll laugh. They do these remote bits and they're so brilliantly edited that anything I say becomes funny because they can edit it.

It says Richard Kahn, the last Martin O'Malley supporter, which makes so much more sense because we were like, who the fuck? Yes, but I will tell you this. But I will tell you this. He is a magnificent man and a great politician. And my guess is a good governor but I loved what he was saying during a great set of abs too very fit if you google Martin O'Malley there is a picture of him shirtless

he does pushups I just didn't expect that on a sports show I just didn't expect the boundaries of homosexuality to come out he's shredded. That guy. Unless that's like some sort of Photoshop.

I don't know. He's Putin-esque. Well, I'm almost relieved in a way to hear it just because it was such a funny. On the flip side, I'm a true Hollywood liberal. Okay. Okay. So let's, so, so as far as me being into politics, very much. And in fact, tonight I'm doing – when does this go on?

This will go – I don't know, in fact. Okay, but it won't be tonight. No, it's not tonight yet. Okay, because it's sold out. But there's a place – Oh, flex. Okay, flex. Just flex on them, Richard.

It's fine. It's okay. I've never heard that phrase. Yes! Oh, shit. That was awesome. Oh, my phrase. Yes! Oh, shit. That was awesome. Oh, my God. We're like, cool.

We invented flex as far as you're concerned. Oh, you did? Go home and tell your kids that one. Yes, but my kids probably know it. It's going to catch on, and they're going to go, oh, those schlubs. So I'm doing a thing tonight. A brilliant comedy writer, a TV writer, a guy named Joe Keenan, who's got a whole shelf of Emmys for Frasier and stuff like that. He is a Broadway geek and he loves writing parodies, parody lyrics to establish Broadway songs.

And he wrote an entire 90 minutes of songs about Trump and everything. These, they're brilliant, brilliant lyrics. And I'm playing Trump tonight. Oh, shit. Yeah. And it's very, like I said, very, very funny. His lyrics are ridiculously smart. And the thing is, there should be subtitles, you know, above or, you know, the whatever

they call those titles, because it's so hard to hear the lyrics or hear a lyric laugh. And then you keep you miss it. And keep up with it, yeah. They're just brilliant. It's an hour and a half of listening very hard. So I'm doing Trump. That's amazing. I mean, to start your day with this stupid show and to end up doing –

Yes, and doing something classy. I know. But I really had to think twice about doing any publicity on Monday morning because I knew I was going to be performing that night. But, you know. Wow. I mean, it's all a time clock. Just point me which direction. I'll just go do it.

Yeah, what is it? Mama, just a dancing monkey on a string. I hear that. Your character on Curb, Andy, is notorious for always telling his wife everything. And I feel like that's actually not true. No? No.

I've only done four episodes of Curb. Really? Oh, wow. I know. Isn't that crazy? Four? You left your impact. Yeah, it feels like a lot more. Yeah, one was a two-parter. So I agree with you.

And then the fourth one that I did, which was recently, had me and my wife in it. I can't remember which episode it was, but I do tell my wife everything in that particular episode. OK. And very funny. But then I hadn't been on since. And then this year I'm on with her and I'm very good in the episode. I'm sure you are. No, but she's spectacular.

And you're going to ask me her name. It's a woman. She doesn't listen to this. So, but she's wonderful in the role. And in that, I sort of, she has the dominant hand. It's not that I tell her everything. But in that one episode, because I left an impression, I tell her everything. And I do tell her everything.

I just find that to be such an interesting dynamic in real life. The guy who you know is always going to tell his wife. And then your wife, but his wife's not going to keep it quiet. So effectively, it's out the window. But I live that in life, too, because I have some famous friends who tell me secrets. And I can keep them if you tell me this is a secret. If you don't tell me this is a secret, I'll go blab it to the world.

But I can keep a secret. I'm really, really good. Can you give us one? Yeah. What do you got? Give us a really good secret right now. I was going to say blah, blah, blah is gay or something. Give me a Clooney secret.

I know that you and Clooney are. We're very good friends. Yeah. That's why we're good friends because I keep his secrets. But we're good friends now. Yeah. That's true. So, you know, it's like.

You want a secret? Yeah. He doesn't like you. All right. That's a secret. I know. I didn't want to break it to you. But like a week ago, even before I was booked for this thing, he called me up, said he didn't like you.

That's just a secret. He's got good taste. Yeah. Good judgment. Makes sense. Yeah, I get it. How about this? And he listens to you a lot.

So he has a foundation of opinion. I would take that. I would rather know that. Would you rather Clooney not know you or listen and hate you? Isn't that an amazing thing? I would take the listen and hate. Of course. Yes, he knows that I exist. I know. How about this? Were you one of those

people who got a duffel bag of money when Casamigos sold? You know what I'm talking about? You heard that story? Of course you did, because you were there. Yes, I was. Wait, were you for real yeah you were at that table

that inner side of me now that is a secret that should never have been revealed but who did reveal that who was the loose lips on that one Randy Randy who thought that he

who actually asked George and George misunderstood about something and then it came out but was George upset that that was out no I asked George, and George misunderstood about something, and then it came out. Was George upset that that was out? No. Does George get upset about anything?

You went to that dinner, and then you were like, guess what? We're doing a play for the next year. That's about well. Let me put it this way. I still have the duffel bag. I live in New York. Money, private schools, everything. Boom, boom, boom.

It's gone. Oh, my God. So you were his best man or vice versa? He was my best man. He was your best man. Yes. That's a bold move, sir. Yeah.

Why would you do that? It's like, hey, look at this guy. Have him sit in the back. He's standing up here with me who's fucking the international bachelor. Because usually the best man gets laid and I was worried about him. Because he's my best man. He's my best friend. I can on him he's he's always there no of course but i mean you know they say like don't wear white to the wedding because you don't want to upstage the bride like don't have george clooney be the fucking best man or he's going to

upstage the groom i will tell you okay you want a funny story um i i when we got married, I was paying for it myself. And you know how expensive anything can be in New York. Absolutely. You know how expensive a wedding can be. So we're looking at bands, okay? And we get a tape of about seven or eight bands. And she knows our budget and things like that. And she goes, don't look at the first band.

Just look at two through seven. Well, of course, the first thing we look at is the first band. And they're great. They are great. And they're called New York Swing. They're wonderful. And I knew the guys and everything. So we say we want the first band.

And so they say, well, how many pieces do you want? Do you want nine? Do you want 14? Do you want 50? You know, how many trumpets? How many singers? How many blah, blah, blah, blah, well, how many pieces do you want? Do you want nine? Do you want 14? Do you want 50? You know, how many trumpets? How many singers? How many blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, give me one trumpet.

You know, I don't need anything. Give me one singer. That's all. Okay. So at my wedding, I was sort of at my peak at that time. So you got Michael J. Fox and Heather Locklear there with Richie Sambora. And you got Michael J. Fox and Heather Locklear there with Richie Sambora. And you got George. And then you have, at the time, Helen and Hank were married.

And Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria. So all these people, we had 26 people in the band. Holy shit. We paid for like the one or two. And everybody wanted to come. I mean, who the hell doesn't want to come and see Heather Locklear dance? So that's what it was. It was hilarious.

That's a bomb squad of wedding guests. It was crazy. It was crazy. And it was great. They were great, and it was great, and everything like that. But anyway, otherwise, fame buys you nothing. I just want you to know. Okay.

And for all you people at home who hear, oh, my God, look at the – fame, when you walk into a bank, what is the one thing you want in a bank? What's a one thing? Money. Money. Money, right? I actually thought about it. I was like – Right.

You want money, right? Lollipops up there. Any time a famous person walks into a bank, all they get is a pen. For free. You know? True story. So you think,

Thanks to the great equalizer. Fame buys you nothing. Gets you nothing. I mean, that's not. No, it gets you great stories. That's a great story. It also can get you laid. Are you out of your mind? Come on. I can make up great stories. That's a great story. It also can get you laid. Are you out of your mind?

Come on. I can make up great stories. I don't need that. I don't need that for the purpose. I don't need that for the purpose. The problem is you're famous. Everything you're saying now is coming from the mouth of a famous guy. You've been famous for a long fucking time.

I'm not that famous, number one. You're pretty famous. I'm recognizable, but I'm not that famous. How many people here, well, maybe from my voice they'll know it, but if you say Richard Kind, how many people know my face? Well, yeah, all right. You're definitely one of those guys more on site.

I know, it's, right. Oh, my God, oh, I love him. Yeah, yeah, that thing. You should have had a stage name. Richard Kind is just too normal of a name. You should have gotten something crazy. Something like that. Yeah, that's a good one.

Yeah, 100%. Okay. Or even if you just went with Dick Kind, which is what they called me at my fraternity. I'm sure they did. It was all one word. Dick Kind. Dick Kind. Dick Kind.

That's what it was. Better than Kind Dick. I don't know. That would have been memorable. No, Kind Dick's good too. Kind Dick. So anyway, so that's, it gets you a reservation. Sometimes it gets you bumped up on an airplane.

You've been, you were born in Trenton, right? Jersey guy? Yeah, born in Trenton. And been here ever since. But raised in Pennsylvania, though. You never went out west, though? Oh, yeah, I did. Oh, for many, many years.

Got it, got it. But now you're back here. I'm back here literally for the kids. Okay. That is why I'm back. And one of the reasons. Why is that? Because I didn't want to raise him in L.A.

Y'all know New York's the normal place to raise kids? New York City children are terrifying. They're the most dangerous people in the whole world. They are, but in a different way than L.A. kids are terrifying. The first movie my child ever saw on a large screen was finding Nemo at a neighbor's house, you know, on a big screen there. That's the first time she ever saw. I still haven't seen it.

I'm dead serious. That's because you're not an L.A. kid. Oh, it's a great movie. But I always say my kids in L.A., you really don't meet people of color. You don't intersect unless those people of color are socio or economically equal. You got to walk around or they work for you. Here, you go downstairs. You meet the doorman. You bump into the guy on the street.

You are forced to see humanity. In L.A., you just – That makes sense. You are forced to see humanity. In L.A., you just – Yeah, but some of the humanity you're forced to see here in New York is a fucking disaster. But that's life. I think that's the best thing. Let them see what disaster is. All they see are, unfortunately, the ones who write the checks to college. And I hate to say it, but what we saw is a sad reflection of that community,

as is, I'm sure, a lot of Wall Street guys, a sad reflection of New York. Yeah, there's an East Coast version of that for sure. Absolutely. Did you not think that the reaction to that was a tad bit much, though? I did. You got to understand I know all four people.

Okay. And I love all four people and I'm taken aback by – I'm not taken aback by their desire to get their kid into a school and by their love and why not if you have the means. Right, right. Do the best for your children. Whatever way, whatever way, go and do it. If they knew it was illegal, like this fake charity or this fake non-for-profit, and then took a tax write-off, that takes my breath away. And it's wrong.

But we live in a society now where Michael Jackson got away with what he did. Could be a lot worse. Yeah. Jesse Smollett thinks that he can do what he did or whatever his name is. And that our president is doing what he's doing. And he's getting away with it. I don't blame these people. They could if.

Why not? They could get away with people. Why not? They could get away with it. Why not get away with it? And the reason why is because you got to go to bed at night. You got to sleep. And some people can do it and get to sleep and some people can't. And I wish more people couldn't. That's a great line.

It's powerful stuff. I wish our president had a moral compass that said, what I'm doing right now is not correct. That I am not leaving a planet to my children who I love. I believe he loves his children, but I'm going to, I'm going to take, take from it what I can. A flat planet,

by the way. Are you on board with this flat earther movement, Richard? Have you watched the documentary yet? I'm being told the documentary can be very persuasive, very convincing. Okay. Okay. But then I love what NASA has done with CGI. I think that's pretty amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the whole thing with Alex Jones and this other guy, I mean, that's, we're now getting into a darker place than this comedy show wants to, but. No, I mean, Alex Jones. Yeah. Anybody. Wait, who was the other guy? You don't want to know.

He's some fucking dick. He drove somebody through. He's some fucking dick. He is his name? He's some fucking dick. He drove somebody through. He's some fucking dick. He is. No, he's a fucking dick. If ever there was, if you looked in the dictionary and saw fucking dick with true hard consonants, it's this horror of a man who called the, was it Parkland? Yeah.

Was a, was a. He's a false flag. Yes. If you if you go around to any parents of Sandy Hook or anybody now with all these shootings and you tell them that you don't think it's real and you demand to see the body and you just man to see proof. I literally think you deserve to die. I that guy should be wiped off the planet Earth. I do go to a parent of a massacred child and be like this didn't

happen prove it to me like fuck you i hope you're the next victim i sort of do you know i would prefer there to never be another mass shooting but if there is i hope it's you yeah i i mean you're a terrible terrible person you're a terrible person I like it Kevin's gassed up today so you're a Hollywood liberal I guess so I'm sure that'll be the next label so right now that's your moral compass

alright go ahead think what you want Richard we really appreciate you coming through man season 3 of Brockmire is on IFC did you just read we're really happy and appreciate you? Yes. Honest to God, you looked out. You looked out at your notes.

I know you were checking to see if you wrote other things. I want to thank you very much. Hold on. Dad, appreciate you being here. Thank you, sir. Check it out on IFC season three. It's Hank. It's Richard.

J.K. Simmons. It's a great, great show. Have you seen any of the episodes? A dozen new ones, no. Honestly, because that's what I'm here for. Brockmire has been and continues to be great. It's unbelievable. And it really gets very deep this year dealing with cancer.

How about that? Hey, bring it on. All the laughs. All the laughs. If there's any show that can make that funny and get some dark laughs, it's Brock Mayer. It does. It's really interesting and funny. Awesome stuff. Thank you, sir.

You got it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it, man.