KFC Radio - Torture Me Postmortem, Wells Adams, and Jake Lacy

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

On today's podcast, KFC and Feits fight for Laziness over Everything. Feits bathroom problems continue to wreak havoc on his clothing. What puts the exotic in exotic dancer? Voicemails include: Touchy Feely, Statue of Lethargy, and more. We have two awesome guests on the show today. First, Wells Adams joins the show. We discuss his background in radio before going on the Bachelorette. His experience on the Bachelorette and finding his role as the funny guy. We talk about how being the bartender on Bachelor in Paradise can get frustrating. He tells us the story of how his spot on the Bachelor shows got him in touch with his now fiancee, Sarah Hyland (of Modern Family). He tells us about their first date, which could legitimately be a movie, being THE Instagram couple, and what the likelihood of her joining him on Bachelor in Paradise would be. Finally, he tells us a story of how Tish Cyrus helped make Old Town Road what it is today. Second up, we have Jake Lacy! We talk with Jake about his role as Pete on the final season of The Office. He tells us what his thoughts were on the show after Michael Scott left. We talk about what type of role he likes to play and the difference in playing a nice guy and a good guy. He sells us on BoJack Horseman. He tells us about his new series High Fidelity and how great it is to work alongside Zoe Kravitz. And much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by Roan. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, when I hear the word Roan, it's just associated with greatness. It's either the greatest rap battle champion in the world, or Roan Apparel, which is premium active wear and performance lifestyle gear that you can wear in the world, or Roan Apparel, which is premium active wear and performance lifestyle gear that you can wear to the gym, you can wear out to the bar, you can maybe on a casual Friday even wear it to work. Whether you are out on the go hiking and doing

things outdoors, whether you're team indoors and you want to be comfortable on the couch, Roan is for you. They just released the amazing new commuter collection so uh you're gonna look sharp and also be comfortable as you commute i mean the commute i guess the word commute means different things for different people when you say commute in new york city it's like you're going to battle you're going to war for like 45 minutes you know i mean you gotta you gotta like gear up it's like kg getting ready like i got a couple missile launchers a couple i mean i i was getting fucking chains thrown at me the other day. Really?

Yeah. I missed that. Yeah, I step on the subway, and this dude is screaming about how he's an indigenous people. And this other dude started fighting back, and eventually he threw a sack of joey at him, and he missed him and hit me in the fucking chest. And then as I was filming this, I explained this on Mail Time, I got called a lame white F word. And so I was like, well. Not totally inaccurate. Yeah, well.

You read the room pretty quick there, huh? Yeah. Yeah. He got it. Yeah, he got it. But, yeah, man, it's a battle. It's a battle. I mean, you just walk.

You're not going to see anything. You're on the subway. You got to go underground with the mole people. I just recommend everyone just live walking distance from work. Yeah, that's a lot easier than when you're on fucking Metro North and you're crammed to the gills on those holidays where people are standing in the – It's one thing when you stand on the subway. It's another thing when you have to stand on like your 50-minute Metro North ride. People are surly.

People are not happy. Then you get on the subway with the mole people. I just sit on the floor and I's something we have to stand on like a 50 minute Metro North ride. People are surly. People are not happy. Then you get on the subway with the mole people. I just sit on the floor and I have to do that. When I go to Stanford or come back from Stanford, I'll just sit on the floor. I used to do that like taking Long Island Railroad out to the Hamptons and shit. In the doorway? Yeah, you'll just sit in that little like... I'll just sit there, yeah.

I did that this weekend. Part of me feels like I'm like beyond that. The train wasn't even that packed. I just didn me feels like I'm like beyond that. Train wasn't even that packed. I just didn't feel like going to another car. There were definitely seats. I just didn't feel like I wanted to keep walking. There's definitely – I'd rather like sit on the floor than the people who like actually use every single seat.

It's like, yeah, that seat is technically available, but we're not going to put all six people into the into the six seat right like that's enough but yeah there are all these rules and all this stuff so you got to be prepared for your commute which means you got to be comfortable and got to be you got to be able to move you got to be quick on the on the draw if you're in new york but also when you get to your destination you got to look right so that's where the commuter collection comes in it's a superhero version of your everyday work wear. Pants, dress shirts, polos, vests, the whole nine. Go to roan.com slash KFC today. That's roan with an H, R-H-O-N-E dot com slash KFC. And use the promo code KFC and you get 20% off your first purchase.

It's R-O-N-E dot com slash KFC. Promo code KFC for 20% off. We were just talking about the me sitting on the floor thing and it reminded me of this, this weekend, uh, last weekend, the pond hockey tournament. I wore, like, my full lowers, which, like, you don't typically do playing pond hockey.

Right. You just wear shin guards. And people were chirping at me being like, what the fuck do you think you're doing in lowers? And the answer was very simple, just like it would be for someone who asked me why I was sitting on the floor. It was a lot easier. I brought one pair of sweatpantspants and they're cool sweatpants

so the my shin guards not fit under them but they're too tight so it was either i asked they're like yeah you walk up a street there's a store you can buy a pair of sweatpants and i was like well i'll just wear all my lowers i don't really care about that and convenience i'm sorry laziness is always going to overrule everything looking good everything yeah convenience will overrule everything. At all times. That's why the only way I'll ever eat healthy is I just like

my apartment is just devoid of snacks and food. It's just like well I have to leave here to go get it or I gotta place an order and wait an hour. I'm just gonna go to sleep because I got nothing to eat. I'd rather sit here and do absolutely nothing. Convenience and laziness kind of go hand in hand, though.

You get the look when you see – yeah, the convenience and laziness are hand in hand. But the convenience and, like, I don't know, other people's opinion of you. I do care about such things. I care about what other people think about me. To the point that it forces me to do something. I could look bad and be lazy. And it's like, well, I don't really give a fuck. Even the guy checking my tickets was like, you know, there's seats.

I was like, yeah, probably. He's like, no, I'm telling you. One right there, bud. I got to go through a door. I can't do that. I don't think that's going to happen, dude. How about, I feel like my, where do you fall on this one? My dad wears a suit like everywhere he goes, basically, because he's just like, I just put on a suit.

Like, I don't want to suit. I don't have to pick. I don't know. He'll be maybe overdressed, but he's just like, but it's better than being underdressed. You know what I mean? You can always be like, well, he's a little overdressed, but you look sharp because you're in a suit. Oh, overdressed takes underdress.

100% of the time. Right. Well, I've come around on that because I've. I think it's like a try hard move. I'm often the under. You can be underdressed, but you have to look cool. I've been the underdressed guy. My dad is like, you know, I'll be wearing my Hawaiian button-up shirt and shorts.

I'll look like an idiot. So I got to dress it up a little bit, but I don't know how to do that. I'm just going to wear my work suit. Done. Basically, everything I wear every day, I can go anywhere in it. And the more important place I go, the more people would be like, who is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like –

What was your line the other day? Like if everyone in the room is wearing a suit, you should be in a sweatshirt or whatever. If everyone in the room is in a suit, the important person is in a t-shirt. Right. If everyone in the room is in a t-shirt, the important person is in a suit. Yeah. The other person looks a little different. I remember I went to a steakhouse.

I forget what it was called. But it was in like the financial district. And I went with my uncle. And I guess it was a Jewish holiday holiday it's a kosher steakhouse and there's i guess the people the two people we were with were jewish they're from panama i guess it was a big uh jewish jewish population japan yeah and i was the only person in a kowloon sweatshirt with like my sleeves rolled up and you could see and i had like a flannel tied around my waist i was in like black ripped jeans. And I had my wrist rolled up. My sweatshirt rolled up so you could see tattoos.

And it was like everyone else was in there on a Jewish holiday. You can't have a tattooed body. It was true. On a Jewish holiday in suits and yarmulkes. And I had a fucking flannel tied around my waist with a Kowloon sweatshirt. A Chinese restaurant hoodie. And I'm like, we can't even get buried in the same cemetery, bitch. And it was like I've never felt more important.

I was the least important person in there. But you stand out. I was like, who's this guy? Well, it's like we got Wells Adams on the show today, who's from The Bachelor, married Sarah Hyland. And he was, in the interview, you hear him talk about going to these Hollywood parties with Sarah. But he's almost a novelty because he's like the reality TV guy. Like it's like they're like the Hollywood elite are like slumming it for the day. You know what I mean?

So even, even if you're out of place, you, you look like you're out of place on purpose. You know, there's something important. There's an aura about you. People are looking. But it's like, again, no, like I'm just a piece of shit. I just wear it. I like this Chinese restaurant, but yeah, go ahead. Think I'm, think I'm important.'m important like why not dude sure uh we also got jake lacy on the show uh later he was in

the later seasons of the office and he's got a new show out with zoe kravitz uh high fidelity who uh he's an awesome guy he's a he's a real one i think you're gonna hear probably he's probably one of those guys people say like making the third co-host. He should be on every episode. He fit in real well with us and was interesting. He was in every single show. Yeah. So in terms of being the third co-host. I like it. Maybe it's just the two co-hosts who always

do it are pretty fucking good at making people fit in. But yeah, I think that's the highest compliment you can get on a podcast interview. So two good interviews, Wells and Jake, coming up. I have something to say right now. Stop the presses! Not a lot to say.

John has something to say. I have two things this episode. One, I saw you flip your phone over, and it reminded me of a viral tweet I saw the other day that, like, ladies, it's 2020, and you think your man's not putting his phone down because he's hiding something. First of all, I am hiding something. I'm always hiding something. Always. Always lying.

I'm always hiding. There's something hidden in my phone. At all times. There'll be something you won't like. But that is perfectly – that's a polite thing to do. Yeah. Flipping your phone is polite. I was told by a girl like this is the is the international sign, like, you're cheating.

That's exactly what that tweet was. It was like a viral tweet. People were like, if your man's doing this, he's cheating on you. No, that's me being polite. That's me being like, you have the floor. You have my attention. Don't get me wrong. I was going to say, that's a shatter.

If you are cheating, you're going to do that. It's like a rectangle is a parallelogram. Parallelogram is not a rectangle. You will do that if you're actually hiding something. But I think it's also perfectly acceptable. You don't want it buzzing. I'm doing something. I don't want it going off.

I don't want it catching my eye. I don't want it distracting me. I think the most romantic thing I do is flip my phone over. Yeah. You have my attention. It's all about you. I'm not even going to look. I'm not even going to have it.

Just a quick flip. That is a strong sign that i like i remember hearing that uh one of the signs is um taking your phone to the bathroom oh i did all the time i mean of course i'm gonna take my phone to the bathroom what am i gonna read the shampoo like it's 1995 i'm sitting on the toilet i'm listening to music in the shower i'm listening to radio i'm reading i mean my phone goes wherever I go. That was the worst. Those were dark times that we got through when it was like you finished the whole Rolling Stone magazine.

Yeah. I'm reading the back of the toilet paper. Directions on the toilet paper. I get up and waddle over to the shower, come back with a fucking Pantene Pro-V, look at a big bowl of shit, sit back down. I wasn't sure if I was done yet. Yo, that is such a good, like, there are there's a whole generation we often talk about like they didn't have to fight for their porn and they

you know, they get their music at their fingertips and blah blah blah. They don't even comprehend the idea that people used to just like shit and look at the wall. Like just sit on the toilet and be like I'll just like read anything. I guess I'll just poop now.

Yeah. What a boring existence. You know what's crazy? I actually – I have to shout out Evolution real quick. I believe I've evolved and I no longer get pins and needles in my legs. I mean, does that happen? That used to happen to you like consistently? Oh, it used to happen to me fairly regularly.

Well, how long are you sitting for? Boy, we have just become the poop podcast, huh? I mean, but. Because I was, I'm never, I'm in and out. I don't dilly-dally. Yeah, that's crazy. So I don't. That's crazy.

No, it's not. It's crazy to sit there with a poopy butt hovering over a bowl of shit, just being like, i'm gonna take like several more minutes like another half hour in this oh i could hurry up and get to the couch i think not yeah i'd rather have my circulation cut off by this porcelain seat i'd rather have red elbow spots on my knees i'd rather have red fucking hands on my face this show just works perfectly sometimes laziness will take precedence over convenience. Every, over whatever.

Like, I'm so lazy. I can't decide what laziness takes precedence over. I've used a different word every time. Convenience, laziness. It's just, laziness is king. And if it's, you could be more comfortable in the other room, well, yeah. But then I have to go to the other room. I'm gonna get there. I'd rather just sit here and

then fucking have to shower afterwards. I shower 100% of the time if. I'm going to get there. I got a wipe. I'd rather just sit here and then fucking have to shower afterwards. I shower 100% of the time if I do shit. Really? Basically, yeah. It's not a must, but it's just like. Because it's like such a catastrophe or you just sit so long that it's like dried up. It's just like, I'm like, well, I don't know if I'm leaving this room yet, so I guess I'll take a shower. Like 100% of the time.

You are a freak. I had a friend who got used to get completely naked every time he shit yeah that's like at work like take off his button up hang it on the fucking hook take off his pants completely now he was also like a violent shitter i was like i i had i had impressions of him like you know like like blowing the bowl out you know if he doesn't take his pants all the way off, he's going to get shit all over it. So maybe he literally needed to. But people are like, I don't like things dripping, drapes, and hanging. I just want a clean experience.

I'm like, okay, man. I'm pretty sure I know how to shit without getting it all over my clothes. I don't know how to finish shitting without peeing. You don't know how to finish shitting without peeing your pants? You are so lucky your girlfriend doesn't listen to this podcast. What does that mean? I think I have a prostate issue, clearly. Oh, yeah.

But, like... Indefinitely. So, like, you think you're done when you're sitting, and you stand up to put your pants on, and some more drips out? And more drips out right into my box. I pee my pants every time I poop. I pee my pants every time I poop. Not directly. I pee into my pants. So, it's not once you stand up.

It's like as you're... Well, I don't do it in one foul swoop. I stand up, and then I bend down. Right, and then it's peeing out. When I stand up, I just pee. It's just falling out of your penis. The pee is just falling out of your penis into your pants. Because you don't think about shaking.

You don't think to shake when you're pooping. But wait, you were there for like 30 minutes. Yeah, but you need to get the extra muscle flex and stuff like that. When you poop, the beach is going to fall out of your penis like a vagina. The leaky faucet.

How the turntables. Yeah, my penis turns into a pussy when I poop. The quotes coming out of this one. For a guy who used to be so anti poop talk, you just I don't know.

I wish Casey was here just so he could call me an animal. You goddamn animal. That's how I get off now. Casey calling call me an animal. You goddamn animal. That's how I get off now. Casey called me a disgusting animal. You are an animal. Yeah, like I pee my pants every day. I don't know how.

We've said that before. I don't know if it was on CCJ or anything. So you pee your pants when you pee, and you pee your pants when you poop. You pretty much just pee your pants. Yeah, I think it's a prostate thing. I think I should go look like look like michael jordan a gold piece thing that motherfucker has too many tear dyes the biggest is the greatest he's the greatest it looks like he has it looks like the finger legs are on his face so he's just like like

someone just scratched uh what is it not uh what's it What's a short... The small form of body of water. Tributary. It's like someone scratched tributaries into his face. You're going to give me a million guesses. I was never going to say the word tributary. I couldn't get obituary out of my head. Tributary.

And it's just like... I mean, that dude just had water. It just rained down his face. And like, you know, like I have a tear that like, you know, if I were to cry like that, there'd be like a tear. Yeah, I look like the Native American guy. He has like a. You know what I mean?

The Native American meme where it's just one tear falling down. That's what I look like. Like his tear duct feels like it's like an inch wide and just like a like a sheet of water comes out you know it's like the crying emoji like the where it's just two yeah yeah michael jordan yes his face is just the crying emoji it's like it's like he has rain x on his face and it's just like beating up and falling off um boy we are all over the fucking map here uh speaking of obituary we were talking about death out there yes frankie borelli uh predicted that sean latham was gonna be the

first person to die at barstool sports because he was gonna get murdered outside of a small comedy club in reno in reno nobody's just gonna get shot and killed well i hope that happens boy boy do i hope that happens imagine what i call, do I hope that happens. Imagine if I called it. What a call that would have been for Frankie. Holy shit. If I could, if I predict, I mean, so here's what we were saying. And, you know, we're going to get into death. Death is brought to you by Etitude Sheets.

Okay. I mean this sincerely. A quality pair of sheets. A set of, you know, the fitted, the top sheet, the nice pillowcases. I put on a new pair of sheets the other night. It makes, I mean, I know you don't, like, wash your sheets. I broke out in hives immediately. Like, woke up before I am covered in hives.

Because you put new sheets on. Yeah. I got a cheap pair of sheets. Covered in hives. Covered in hives. Can't do it. Know what I did? Nothing. Just put on sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt. That's what I was going to say. Cover your body up. Cover my body. Covered in hives. Covered in hives. Can't do it. Know what I did? Nothing.

Just put on sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt. That's what I was going to say. Cover your body up. Cover my body. Lay back in the same hive bed. Got right back into bed. Attitude, that ain't happening. Not happening with attitude.

You get some quality sheets. That's why I need it. I think they've reached out. I think they're going to give us some sheets. You need it. Couldn't come faster. Yeah. For real.

For real. And here we go. Nancy boy. let's go i i sincerely mean this you're not opening it right because it's not pain that's stopping you i see you you're flexing you're a strong guy you're twisting the glass it's just John just can't open I mean see but Brent

do you see what I mean he's like and it's like I can tell he's squeezing and flexing hard so like he's a strong guy

he can't be doing that and holding the bottle cap do me a favor just take your thumb and your and your pointer finger and just put it around the edge of the bottle cap. Do me a favor. Just take your thumb and your pointer finger. And just put it around the edge of the bottle cap. Now I'm sweaty.

You're disgusting this episode. Just do like that. I'm sweating. Can you do that? Sweating. I'm going to get hypes again. Come on, Johnny. Here's what I think you're doing. It's a quality bottle. Come on, Johnny. Oh.

Here's what I think you're doing. It's a quality bottle. I think you're, like, yeah, I think you're grabbing, like, the bottom glass. I'm assuring you. But even that, I'm grabbing the glass, and it just comes right off. What the hell was that? Imagine drinking it. These bottle caps were designed to do this, John.

I just don't get it. I don't get it either. Cheers, bro. Cheers. The thing about the sheets, because in beds and sheets, all the sleepwear in general, the pendulum almost went too far in one direction where we did like memory this and silk that. And then you get like – then your sheets can get too hot. They can kind of get sticky.

You can almost go too fancy with it where like this is not ideal either. That's where Etitude is perfectly in the middle. It's not like – like silk sheets are like wildly overpriced and you get hot and you get sweaty. You're going to be like John trying to open a bottle of beer. You're going to get sweaty. You're probably going to get hives. And then cheap sheets are like you're rolling around in sandpaper. And so Etitude comes in with the bamboo sheets.

Now, don't ask me how that works because when I think of bamboo, I think of a stick. But it's crazy soft. I think of a hard stick. We've told this before. We don't have the sheets yet. I don't know if you have. We've had the shirts. Shave it down and just get little thin strips of bamboo.

I don't know how they do it, but bamboo sheets are the truth. I mean, there's like 1,500-count cotton that doesn't even compare to these bamboo sheets. So go get yourself some Etitude sheets. You won't break out in hives. You won't be sweaty. You won't be a mess. They look sharp. You know, you bring in some company home, and it looks nice.

You have clean, fresh, nicely fitted sheets. That's the other thing. I have a queen bed. There are times I'm putting like a king on, and it's just like floppy. I like that. It makes it easier. It's better than when you're like stretching and trying to get it over that last corner. Sure, she'd take it away.

The fitted sheet gets a bad rap so much easier than putting on a regular sheet. The fitted sheet gets a bad rap for folding. Putting it on. No, people always talk about like, oh, it's like a trope in shows and stuff like that. Like, oh, you get that last end and it pops off well i mean that's easy well it depends on how thick your mattress is that's the problem too it's like you have the right size but if you pull it all the way underneath your like two foot wide mattress you're not gonna have enough on the other end but yeah well not two feet but you know what i'm saying like they get thicker you put a mattress

topper on top the the fitted sheet i always the the top sheet i, and then inevitably it just gets kicked to the bottom of my bed, and it just falls in between the crack, and I just never use it again. To each their own. Remember how appalled Liz was that we didn't have top sheets? I have top sheets. And you use them all the time? Yeah. I don't.

Because I haven't washed my comforter ever. I mean, I don't have a top sheet, and I haven't washed my comforter ever either. Sheets, I feel like you got to something laying on top of you is very different than you laying on top of it okay you know what i mean yeah i agree it's like you're yeah my comfort is probably not clean but i'm not like sweating into my comforter the grossest thing in the world is when you see your pillows that yellow underneath your pillow case it's like okay oh my god what are we fucking disgusting over here it's just from like my head so sheets are important and attitude's got the best in the game why not try so why not try attitude the amazing sheets have a 30-day risk-free trial if you're not fully satisfied

you can return your sheets for a full refund they even cover the shipping on returns all you got to do to get your sheets is text BAMBOO to 64000. So that's B-A-M-B-O-O. Text it to the number 64000, and you can get 20% off your set of Etitude sheets with free shipping. Sleep well. Sleep comfortable. Don't get hives. So, yeah, Frankie's predicting death out there. What I said was that Barstool Sports is big enough now.

We're going to have a death. Someone's going to die. We're going to eventually and probably soon somehow have the first death at Barstool Sports. Like, you know, if you work at J.P. Morgan and you find out that someone at J.P. Morgan died, you're not like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah, I'm probably not going to the funeral. I feel like we still have to go to the funeral. I know. If it's on the second floor, you have to go to the funeral. I know. If it's on the second floor, you have to go.

Third floor, no. Third floor is not right, no. Second floor. It's like, I don't even know your name. I'm coming to your funeral. Second floor. Depends. I'm not a big, I don't know.

I don't care for the formality of those things. We weren't friends. I'm not going to even know. I've come around on how ridiculous our customs are. Everyone out there in the bullpen was joking about wakes and how weird they are. And I'm like, nah, I'm in on wakes now. I mean, it is ridiculous. I like wakes.

Every wake I've been to is fun. Yeah, I mean, well, you've got to do the Irish way. You've got to do it right. If you do it wrong, it's a disaster. I'll go to the repast. But in general, what's that? The repast is like the party after. Yeah, right, right. Okay.

But I'm saying like to be in the room in the funeral parlor with the dead body there, of course it's weird. Yeah, it's like, yeah, we all just like sit around and converse while there's a dead body in the corner. But that's what we do. Yeah. That's how we roll. Like the Jews are going to put you in the dirt by like, you know, by 4 p.m. We ain't doing that. We're going to talk. We're going to have a conversation next to our dead friend. That's how we roll. Like the Jews are going to put you in the dirt by like, you know, by 4 p.m. We ain't doing that. We're going to talk.

We're going to have a conversation next to our dead friend. And that's fucking it. That's how we do it. That's fine. I'm fine with that. That's how we do it. Be my friend. Open casket.

I want to see your fucking body that doesn't look like you. It's all pumped up. And I'm going to kneel there and not actually say a prayer. Just kind of like mumble some shit to myself and look like I'm praying. I'm going to offer some fucking fake condolences to your family and then we're gonna probably drink and that's just what we do and if we don't do that what do we do when you die what do we do i don't know i'm lost i'm really good at going through the receiving line yeah i'm like no i i i just i think of one memory because i don't go if i can't think of memory i'm not going so i just i always have

like one thing and i say that to everybody. And afterwards, that was good. I learned that from my mom. My mom's unbelievable at going to funerals. Well, I mean, I feel like when you're Irish or just like us, it's like everybody dies all the fucking time. I mean, I feel like – I remember my friends being like – this is probably early, maybe like middle school, high school-ish. People being like, I've never been to a funeral early maybe like middle school high schoolish people being like i've never been to a funeral i'm like i've exclusively been to funerals my weekend's

like full like the only like family events i've ever done are funerals we don't do reunions we don't get together with the extended family we wait for someone to die which happens like every fucking month i was like ah i'm fresh out of grandparents barely got the aunt and uncles this guy's dead that guy's dead Everybody's fucking dead I get to hit the wake, hit the cemetery Hit the fucking funeral Hit the repast

Bingo, bingo, bongo Honestly, one of the best parts I've ever been to in my life Is my Nana's repast It was fucking awesome Yeah, we do it right We know what we're doing We were live, she's from New Orleans So we had a live New Orleans jazz band there

Everyone was fucking cutting it up That's how you that's that's how it should be it was everybody always says you know like i have a party at my funeral it's like yeah fuck yeah do that shit i mean you i think the only people who do it better than us are like the puerto ricans who do the stuffed gangster scene i love i don't care for that that's awesome well no and the and the cleveland people burying the dogs unbelievable everybody was freaked out about that one i'm like it's just as weird to do it with your fucking grandma you know i love that dog he got it he got a proper proper one the amount when you think Unbelievable. Yeah. Everybody was freaked out about that one. I'm like, it's just as weird to do it with your fucking grandma.

You know, I love that dog. He got a proper one. The amount, when you think about it, it's like, yeah, well, we just brought him to the vet, like put him down and we burned him. No. Yeah, he's throwing a dumpster outside. Yeah. What the hell is that all about?

Right. You're a dog person. That's how you handle it? No, no, no. I'm going to buy like a $5,000 box for him and I have his dog friends there and we're going to lay him in the casket. He knows pretty good business. Oh, it's such a racket.

People don't stop dying. You know what? It's recession-proof. 100% of people who have lived have died. And they've just convinced you to buy, like, a $5,000 box to hold you. It's crazy. Like, that's nuts. I'm putting that in my will.

Like, legit Frank Reynolds throwing me out in the trash. I don't want to be thrown in the trash. I actually changed my mind when I overheard you guys talking about cremation and stuff like that. I want to get tortured. While you're alive still? No, dead. This is... Wouldn't that be funny?

Look at that face. Wouldn't that... Like, a John F. Falkirk torture victim? Don't tell him it happened after I died. He'd be like, he withstood 12 hours of torture.

That shit. So, like, we're just going to, like, hang your body up and I'm going to, like, throw rocks at you and, like, whip you and shit? Oh, you want to participate

if you can. It's really just the mortician for the mortician's sake. These poor morticians. Well, motherfuckers breaking my bones and draining me of my blood anyway.

They break your bones? Yeah, they break your elbows and knees because rigor mortis is set in so I have to fold you How do I do that? I imagine with like a hammer like a thing. Yeah, I don't think there's fucking break over your knees, but uh Yeah, they break all your shit. That's how they move you is you can't move once you've been dead for so long I figured they just got your got you in position when you're dead, and then the rigor march sets in with you. No. You got the clothes on. Yeah, all right.

That makes sense. They got to move you around. They fuck you. They're already torturing you. So might as well go full bar. Rip out my fingernails and shit like that. Waterboard me. This is the weirdest one you've ever.

This is the weirdest. That would be if you were at my wake. You're like, do you hear how long he withstood that torture? He was a hero. Why was he being tortured? Don't worry about it. You got kidnapped. You could pick up girls at my funeral being like, this is my guy.

Did you know about the torture? And you're telling her all about this torture I withstood. I'm going to just do that anyway. I don't think we need to actually torture your dead body. Well, why not? I'm just going to tell people that you were tortured. I guess, but I'd rather just get tortured. I think torturing my body would be funny.

And you think that the funeral director people would enjoy this? If they want to. I'll put it as a clause. If you care to torture my body. You don't have to. But if you are... For the love of the game clause. Yeah, or what about, like, put it out into town?

Like, hey, you got... Open, you know, open call. You have sick town? Like, hey, you have open call. You have sick thoughts? This is seriously the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had. Oh, so now you're a hero because, like, the local guy who might, like, murder an innocent is going to get out his anger on your dead body. Are voices in your head telling you to stab? Okay. Come on down to the funeral home.

Now here's the problem. Fights just died. I can pretty much guarantee that anybody who responds to that classified ad in the newspaper is also going to try to fuck you. Whatever. You want your dead body

getting fucked? I don't care. What does it matter to me? You get desecrated like that? What does it matter to me? Desecrated. What, I'm not getting allowed into heaven anymore

because I got gay fucked? I don't care about that. Not to be confused with straight fucked. I got gay fucked? I don't care about that. Not to be confused with straight fucked. I got gay fucked. That's what's funny about this whole – we were talking about like cemeteries and how they're like chock full of dead bodies and the different things that people do. I mean that's got to be the most archaic thing that we're still carrying on out of all – like all religion is ridiculous and all the traditions are archaic. It's Ash Wednesday today. Got these idiots running around with fucking smeared soot on their forehead.

But the thought – the thought originally was like you need your body, right? You're going to go to heaven and like we can't like – we can't fucking screw up your body because you need it. I mean how ridiculous is that? We should burn everybody. Burn everybody. Absolutely burn everybody. And just get rid of cemeteries. You don't even have to exhume everybody.

Take out the headstones, put up playgrounds and just state parks. Oh, I don't know about that. I'm not playing on top of a cemetery. Why not? Because ghosts are real. Don't tell the kids ghosts are real, but don't tell the kids. Well, it doesn't matter if you don't... Don't have them play at midnight.

Ghosts only come out at night. Ah, I don't know about that. Pretty sure ghosts don't come out at night Pretty sure it goes to him. I mean, that's the cliche. I mean, if I was a ghost, I would not be waiting until sundown. You think it's like I have to? I think it's a law. Like vampires?

Like I can't? Like if I come out in the day that I lose my ghosthood? Probably, yeah. You at least have to visit the tribunal and have them rule on it. Right. You might have a good reason for it, but... It's like the Jews getting home before sundown sort of thing. It's like the dead version of that.

Yeah. I can't come out early. I like how you referenced Jews because I said tribunal. That's the only reason that popped into your head. I'll cause an effect there. I don't even know why tribunals make me think of Jews, but it does. It just happens. Is there something about a Jewish tribunal?

That sounds like a Jew word. It's very Jewish. I'm watching The Hunters, by the way. It's very good. Yeah, The Hunters got crushed by reviews, and I don't understand why. Although it gets a little silly at parts, but, you know, whatever. It's good. It's not great.

It's good. It's fine. It's like I would have never watched it based on the reviews, but I did anyway, whatever. It's good. It's not great. It's good. It's fine. It's like, I would have never watched it based on the reviews, but I did anyway, and I'm happy I watched it. I've decided I would like the Viking funeral pyre, but I want regulars to shoot the arrows.

So it takes forever? Yeah, I want to see who hits it. Like, fight steps up, and he... Ah! So close. You're next. City Island burns down. Kevin's funeral got out of hand. By the way, we need to burn down City Island. Just blow it up. Just blow it up. That juice bar that opened?

We got the grocery store closing, the corner store, the pizza place. All the staples are closing, and the old people are just dying, but we're opening up a hipster juice bar. Blow the island up. Blow it up. It's becoming the island with the old people are just dying, but we're opening up a hipster juice bar. Blow the island up. Blow it up. It's becoming the island with the dead people. It's becoming Hard Island. It's just dead people.

It's the saddest. I mean, it's always been that. No, I mean, Connie's is gone. Yeah. The grocery store closed for a bit. They were like, we don't have groceries on this island anymore. You can't live that way. It's like the island in Lost, but like the reverse.

It has no superpowers. It just sucks the life out of everything. It doesn't have regular powers. Yeah, it can't even be normal. So yeah, I think it would be an awesome moment if we're like 14, 15 arrow shots deep, and it's getting further and further away, and then Trent steps up but he like lets a Hail Mary fly and hits it and you guys go crazy for it. The eruption, the pop there would be...

Oh, huge. Huge. Think about like ball and cup reaction. Imagine if you ended the funeral pyre on like the 20th shot when it's like hundreds of yards away. Oh, my funeral would be a party. And in the background,

we'll be pulling out John's dead fingernails. Yeah, yeah. We'll be dead at the same time. Me the background, we'll be pulling out John's dead fingernails. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be dead at the same time. Me and you were going to be those couples where, like, we die, like, 60 seconds apart. It's like, yeah, you just couldn't live without him. John's got, like, cirrhosis, and he dies, and I just drop dead. I'm just hanging under your pyre.

You're standing on the pyre trying to get hit by the arrow. How did John die? A flaming arrow to the chest. How did John die? A flaming arrow to the chest. No, I was already dead. I don't want to be tortured alive. I want to be very clear about this. I want to be tortured dead.

Torture me dead. Boy, this one is something special. Let's just mercifully get into our voicemails here. No, I got questions. You got a question? Yeah. Go ahead. This is a good question for everybody. Based on the first 30 minutes, I would argue it's not going to be. It's actually really about grammar.

Okay. In the phrase exotic dancers, what is exotic? Is it the dancers? Is it the dancing? Is it the stripping itself? What is the exotic aspect? It could even go down to the outfits, like what they're wearing before they take their clothes off.

Is the lingerie the exotic thing? I mean, you think about it, it's like they're wearing nine-inch clear platform heels. I don't think it's the clothes. I don't think it's the people either, because you go to fucking Manitowoc or Minnesota. Not going to have any exotic dancers there. You might have some chubby white girls dancing.

Right. It's like exotic usually means you're like Brazilian and Japanese. Right. So is it getting naked? That's what it's exotic? Is it the style of dance? Is it the pole dance? I think it's the dancing.

But then why is it an exotic dancer? It is. It's not exotic I think it's the dancing. I think it's like, you know. But then why isn't it an exotic dancer? It is. It's exotic. It's not exotic dancing. It's exotic dancers. Well, it's like a ballerina does the ballet, right? It's like the exotic dancer is dancing exotically. Okay.

Because I feel like it's like, yeah, like this is like proper dancing, ballet shit, and then there's just like, oh, fuck my ass. I always thought of it as exotic dancer just was like a girl who who got naked i wonder if it originates because like maybe they brought in people from other countries yeah that could be it too and then it's like uh arcade term like it's not like if you are a stripper you're not necessarily an exotic dancer you are now because it's become that but it's like you know the the term exotic just means originating from a distant foreign country so who invented stripping? This says striptease dancer.

So that makes me think that it's the... The dancer. The dancing. The striptease, I think, is what? So the lap dance. Oh, you know what this is? Okay, yeah. Because belly dancer is also like a synonym.

And those were like girls from the the Middle East that could like move their body like that. I've also never been. Betty Johnson. I just, every time I see a belly dance, I'm like, I can do that.

No, you can't do what Shakira does. You think you can roll your body like that? Oh, if you're watching on gold. Is that you trying? Yeah.

That was him belly dancing. I can feel it, my belly do it. I just did it. I can kind of do that thing where you like, you roll your fat, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. Belly dancing, not very exotic. I'm not going to pull out my shirt, but I'm doing it.

You can kind of see it, right? Yeah, I actually kind of can. Yeah. Yeah. I got that roll going. So an exotic dancer is, so the exotic aspect is the dancing now i always thought that it's like they imported people from like you know the the uh the middle east to like come over and dance in like england wherever okay so it was an indian woman then i think so so it's not the

dance it's not the stripping it's not the pole dancing it's the person and i think it kind of probably gets conflated with the dancing because that's how they dance but i think it was the person they dance exotically. Because I feel like there was probably strippers that were like chubby white girls who were just like, you can't move. The only reason they started stripping is just to get called exotic. That was their fucking turn on. I just want to be called exotic. So I got to do something to learn that.

I got to learn how to fucking swing from a pole with my pussy lips. That's what they do. They grab it with their lips. It's like an extra hand. Remember when everyone's mind was blown, myself included, when we found out that the pole spins? I forgot about it. I just remembered right now. Crazy.

It makes so much more sense. I used to think, like, isn't their skin doing that, like, pulling on it? And it's like, oh, yeah, the pole's just spinning. That's what I meant with the, yeah, I totally forgot about that. I remember now. Yeah, son of a bitch. That happened, I guess that probably happened when, like, normal suburban moms started doing strip tease classes or whatever. Because I don't think anybody knew that trick.

I think the strippers were like, cats out of the bag. But, but yeah they're just spinning around on the pole with it it's brilliant it's brilliant it's a magician trick where it's like the magician would be like well the pole spins too guys oh fuck i didn't even think of that all right voicemail time now they're brought to you by miller light it's miller time it's voicemails time we're gonna get people calling in right now who need advice they need help They want to share a laugh. They want to tell you their best story. And that's really what the voicemail line has always been over the past 10 years. It's like call us when you have your best story.

And if you get everybody's best story and you crowdsource it, it turns out you've got a pretty good fucking podcast. You get everybody's best question. It turns out you can turn it into a monster YouTube series with a card game. So everybody is grabbing a Miller Lite, having Miller time, calling up that voicemail. Actually, we need more voicemails. So call up – boy, I'm going to dig deep for the phone number on this one. 646-805. 865-646-807-8665. Got it6-5. 6-4-6.

8-0-7. 8-6-6-5. Got it. Bam! That's a throwback. And what is it? 6-4-6-8-5-stool. 8-0-stool.

8-0-stool is the phone number. There's no way anyone's going to get a number out of this. We're giving five different numbers. Well, you remember when people didn't understand the letters? That was how people don't correlate the numbers to letters on a fucking phone pad anymore. That's true. It's crazy. Yeah.

How do you do letters on a phone number? I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. I guess we're that old. 646-807-8665. Store it in your phone. Call us up. We need new voicemails. And grab yourself a Miller Lite and do it.

We're drinking our Miller Lite here. I love having a beer sponsor. It's the best. It's like, well, I'm going to have a beer all the time. But, of course, I'm going to enjoy it responsibly, as you should do, too. Celebrate responsibly. Drinking a Miller Lite from the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It's 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

And put down the phone. Put it face down like we talked about. Open up a beer or pass it to your friend to open the beer for you if you're a lancy boy who can't do so, and sip it responsibly and enjoy it while you kick back and tell some stories. First voicemail, what do we got? Yo, what up? KFC, Fudge, Superfluous Cruiser, BCC. Question, if Fudge was a Stat, Cruiser, BC. Question.

If Fights was a Statue of Liberty, what would he be holding and where would he be? Thanks. That's all. If Fights was the Statue of Liberty, where would he be? What would he be holding? Great question, ATI. Great question. If you were the Statue of Liberty. Where would you be?

What would you be holding? I'm going to say that you would be right next to that fucking battleship in rhode island or wherever the fuck that is fall river fall river and uh and you're holding a tin i think that is pretty accurate i probably put me in newport though okay i put me in newport at those cliffs i always jump off at 12 o'clock high and um maybe maybe you don't hold anything maybe you just have your hand like this And then people jump off of you Instead of jumping off the cliffs Ooh

It'd be difficult to climb up me No, put like a fucking staircase inside of you Make it easy, would you? The Yeah I was thinking If it was true to form It would probably be

I'd probably be holding a whiskey Okay Maybe a whiskey And like a tin in my pocket. Actually, I think a statue would be great when you're holding your lip up. Just like this. In bronze, like the Colossus. And then right on the water, yeah, too.

Not even on that cliff, in the water. I'll tell you what, if we keep up, eventually you're just going to need to be on a toilet bowl or something the way you've been talking. Or maybe not in a toilet bowl. Maybe the statue is that there's a toilet bowl like 50 yards away. And then there's a statue of John running for it. With couscous. Couscous trailing behind him.

That's funny. I think if I had my druthers, it would be somewhere. No, that's where it would be. It would be at that cliff. And it would be, yeah, a form of alcohol and a tin in my pocket probably. Simple man. Where would yours be? Oh, I mean, it would just have to be me on a couch, right?

Just make it like the entire length of City Island. Just drop it on top of it and ruin the island. It's ruined now. It's gone. And all that exists is it. Why are you so upset with City Island? It's just sad. It's just dying. Yeah, you sound like one of those people like,

Walmart came in and closed up all the mom and pop shops. No, it's the opposite. We need a Walmart to come in and fucking give us us – like it's legitimately going to just die. It's pretty weird. All the places are closing without anything taking its place. Like what are the people eating? Yeah. There's no food.

The grocery store closed for like a minute but like somebody swooped in and like reopened a different ownership. But like the corner store that we always go to, the pizza place, the like all the bars are closing. And it's just like old people who like who want to keep out any like we opened up Dunkin Donuts once. And that was like the biggest fucking news in the world. You know, it's like, yeah, you need these fucking things. Donald Trump came once and said, like, let me there's this unbelievable waterfront piece of property that like overlooks the fucking skyline that you could turn into this amazing spot. And all the olds were like, no, no, no, no. We got to keep this in-house.

And then they're all dying. And now people like us are moving like, I'm just going to leave this fucking piece of shit rock in the ocean. Leave it in the sound. It's just dead. You know what I'd like, actually? I would like a nude of me in the hometown of all of my ex-girlfriends. Holy shit. Just so everyone who drives by is like, they're making fun of me.

You used to fuck that. It's not a jealousy thing. It's just it allows everyone to be mocked and ridiculed. Why did you fuck him? What is it all about? I'd rather suck the statue of David's dick. Oh, that little pecker. He's got the tiniest dick in the fucking world.

Hardest, though. Yeah, rock solid. Rock solid. What would be worse if you had a statue of your ex in the city that you lived in, and it was, like like mocking you for like oh i can't believe you used to fuck that or like oh man you used to fuck that but you blew it uh you used to fuck that mockingly it's worse yeah no i feel like it's not nah because i feel like you could be like yeah everybody like yeah what was i thinking that time versus like oh my

god i he went on to be like a billionaire like you know like, I should have I should have, that was the one that got away Nah, cause he can just be like it's like everything, he's like yeah, just get tired of it and like, if there's a statue of me and you use it, I get tired of it You know what's so funny about chicks? Chicks just don't do the whole like

get tired of it thing Like I'm watching that show Love is Blind, there's this guy who's just such a typical dude and he's like, I you i want to marry you in the next night he's like nah i don't really i mean i don't know i gotta think this through i got sick of it if you think that girls don't get tired of it you haven't spoken with girls who've been with me i feel like when a girl gets fixated on a guy that i i was yelling at the at reina from girls got to eat on this they did a whole episode talking about like this shit and how they were like changing changing men that they're into it's like well then you're not into them you're changing all the things it's like well i you know

i i want him to like be more active and outdoors i wanted to change what he eats i wanted to change what he wears like you're just creating a new human you don't like that guy but they it's like it's like taking a chainsaw and making a a like uh like one of those indian statues that they have in like uh when you're driving up skiing you can see them like they're all like hand carved and stuff like that into like a tree trunk sort of thing like yeah and being like this is my favorite tree right yeah it's like you turn it into something else but it's like you i like this you got sick of that thing and you just wanted to change it but they don't it doesn't sound like they don't like they get – maybe they just don't admit that they get sick of guys.

It's like they get fixated and they like them and they'll just change all the things. Rather than be like, all right, I'm actually sick of you. I'm going to go find someone who hikes. And I'll easily be like, all right, I guess I do that now. As long as I'm not sick of you yet. Right. I'll just change. I'm a completely different person.

I'll just completely change. I'll just give up on all my morals and all my philosophies. I think it's easier. It's why I said I'm sure I'm going to become a vegan. I'm sure completely change. I'll just give up on all my morals and all my philosophies. I think it's easier. It's why I said I'm sure I'm going to become a vegan. I'm sure. Eventually someone's going to make you. I'm considering it right now just so people stop yelling at me. I feel like there's been a lot of yelling from vegans lately.

And it's like I've never had someone – I hate the overused thing like a vegan will tell you. I've never had someone tell me at dinner or someone in person tell me I'm a vegan. On social media. On social media, it's more and more prevalent. Vegans blame meat eaters for the fires in Australia. I didn't understand it, but I felt bad about it. I was like, is it a burger that did it? I mean, Joaquin made me feel very upset about the baby calves.

I was like, am I stealing your milk? Fuck. Maybe it's easier if I just don't drink milk. I feel like milk's like cum, though. That just keeps coming. That's what I thought, too. It's like unlimited cum. Unlimited milk.

It's like, we are much like cows. It's like, we gotta milk this thing. We gotta get it out or we're gonna explode. Like, I gotta cum. You gotta milk. If you ran out of cum, I'd have run out by now. No, I feel like when you're old, you probably run out of cum. I don't think so.

It's like when you run out of blood. You run out of saliva. I think you run out of cum. I do not think so. Or you can't, like, shoot it out. And, like, your prostate's so weak, it's just like, no. I don't have a big shot anyway, so probably on account of the prostate thing. That sucks, man.

Having a big shot is... Yeah, if I could do, like, sucks man having a big shot is yeah if i could do like a porn star shot that'd be cool awesome but highly inconvenient like 99 of the time but like in the early going when everyone's like into it like that one percent is awesome yeah it's a i feel like a big shot's like being like a squirter where it's like cool first yeah and then it's like stop making a fucking mess right now i need to like stop Stop pissing in my bed. Nothing text the room. Only I piss in my bed. If you're going to be any pissing going on in these parts, it's going to be me. I mean, I can remember being like 16 and I hit the fucking air conditioner. I mean, like, there were times.

Yeah, I mean, it was coming out of a fucking cannon. Was your dick on your hip? Was my dick on my hip? How do you hit an air conditioner? It was like a wall unit. A window unit. And, uh... I mean, yeah, I fucking hit it. I don't know what you want me to tell you.

It was on the side of my bed. And, uh... I pulled out and just... It was like Evil Cone Evil being fired out of a fucking cannon, man. It was like, boom! Did you just roll at the end? No, like, I... I picture you like a fucking, like, in that movie, Wanted, like a gun assassin.

No, I mean, I just pulled out. Curve the bullets! It was like, imagine that, and you're like... Whipping your dick sideways. You girls watching TV On the couch of the other room Like Like

Like Like Like throwing a sonic boom Whipping a boomerang in there man Yeah not anymore I was like Did I I'm like

Did I cum? That's what I'm talking about Did I? I felt like it did I come? I felt like it, but I don't know. Did I? I had a buddy who swore he was sitting on a bag of peas before you fucking shooted across the room. I've never tried it. I guess I probably should. You don't have to.

It's worth finding this voice. It's an X-Way spell. AKFC F, BC. Just had a quick question. So what's something that you know is true, but you refuse to believe it? So, for instance, I refuse to believe that my alarm's going to go off if my phone is off silent at night. That is a good one. I very much understand alarm paranoia.

Okay, what is it? Sorry. Like things that you know are true. I just saw Vindog is now unleashed. What? Vindog is now unleashed. Oh, has he? Another Vindog?

Vindog. It's electric. I mean, the wholesomeness of his memes. They're not super vulgar. He's like the one with the head bouncinggar or right you know he's like like the one of the head bouncing down the the staircase and he's just like enjoy the fall it's like he's not cursing he's not being overly mean but he's that's why it's so funny too like this is an online targeted harassment campaign it's a 65 year old retired teacher who like gets who like

needs to take a nap after he tweets 56 years old retired teacher sorry vindog did you see the the tweets with the text with dave or he was like are you ready and he's a high teacher. Sorry, Vindog. Did you see the tweets with the text with Dave where he was like, are you ready? And he's like, not 100%, but I'm good to go. Like, you got to have Vindog

on like the questionable status. He's been upgraded to... He's Tom Brady from like 03 to 09. Always questionable. I think it was until 2012. He's a questionable shoulder. What are the things

that you know are true but you refuse to believe so like you set your alarm you're like it's not gonna go off i'm gonna like sleep through it which i i've definitely i've gotten over it but there were times where i would like test it i'd be like all right i'm going to bed it's like 11 36 i'm gonna set my alarm for 11 37 pm to make sure it goes i'll do that with any new alarm yeah or and but also like whenever i need to be up i have like i have people who wake me up i i put out calls like that's why yeah oh yeah i mean when we're on the road and shit i know it's like all right and then i gotta get john up and but like like i have i i use the wake-up

service at the hotel i uh tell my girlfriend to wake me up and i call my parents and i say could you wake up your adult son in the morning? And it's also, by the way, that's not an easy task. It's like, good luck. It's like, can you wake up this hibernating bear? Probably not. I can try. I can try, but no guarantees.

Me and Hank, who needs to be roommates, would just be like on the blackout tour, just be gone. Just a room of two dead people. I was going to say, just like every time you look at John, you're like, is his chest going up and down? Okay, he's breathing. He's breathing. If you see me sleeping, throw me under my nose real quick. Just to be sure.

Just a little test. There's definitely ones that I got to – I've had this feeling before. It's like I know – I don't know if anything I just don't... Electrical sockets. I don't trust electrical sockets. Every time I plug something in, I'm convinced I'm getting electrocuted. That's a good one. Garbage disposals. I'm convinced a knife will come flying out and stab me in the face, for sure.

I always get a little bit nervous when I pee in a pool. I'm like, maybe this is going to be the one that turns purple. Maybe it's going to happen. I know that's not a thing, but I pee and I kind of look. I'm like, all right, we're in the clear. Medicine. I'm kind of a Christian scientist when it comes to that. Well, that's almost like the opposite, right?

Like we – yeah, no, I guess, yeah. Prescribe medicine, I take. Anything else? Right. Over-the-counter is a complete farce. This is not real. Absolutely farce. I do not trust that at all.

You tell me it's real. I remember when I had strep, and I would take my antibiotic, and I would take, like, three ibuprofens with it. I'm like, yeah. I'm feeling a lot better. The antibiotic's working after taking it once. Well, that's just not how it works. I'm like, I feel a lot better.

You take Advil? Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, the Advil. And she's like, well, that's just not how it works. I feel a lot better. Did you take Advil? And I'm like, yeah, I took Advil. Well, that's what I feel better. You just refused to take that until the doctor told you to take it. And I'm like, no, I don't think that's what it is. I think it's the penicillin. No, it's not science. Speaking of that, how about, so in our hockey group text,

the pond hockey group text, they were asking me last week, are you good? And I sent the picture of the penicillin. i was like yep two more of these and i'm not contagious anymore probably gonna stop my dick drip too so that's good and like do we like kind of joke a bit back and forth and then yp had been absent for a while it comes back and he's like wait shut up strep throat makes you dick? Are you fucking sure it's strep, dude? I'm like, Ben, you... Ben was very nervous about being around me with strep. Dude, you didn't even see half of it because you were out.

He was, like, preaching to the fucking office, being like, well, then you fucking sit next to him for ten hours. It's not going to fucking be me. And Rudy was like, okay, I mean, I'll sit next to him. He's like, good, you do it then. He was like, okay, I will. I don't know why him. He's like, good, you do it then. He was like, okay, I will. I don't know what the fuck. He was ranting and raving like he does.

The crazy thing about YP, getting upset about that too, it's like YP lives in a house covered in rat shit and doesn't wash clothes for weeks on end. It's like YP is like someone who's living in Chernobyl. Was that a sneeze? Yeah, right. You have bigger issues, sir. You live in a zoo.

It's truly glass houses. You are throwing stones in your glass house of filth and chinchilla shit. I got to give this some thought. I know. It's like, I'm going to tip my tongue. There are things like, I know, I know. But no, no way. That's not real. Shampoo? Shampoo doesn't. Shampoo, I believe in. I just believe it's like on the tip of my tongue there are things like i know i know but no no way that's not shampoo shampoo doesn't shampoo i believe i believe it's bad for you um well body wash body wash doesn't do anything um

flossing is bullshit no flossing is the real deal. Flossing is bullshit. Tongue scraper is unnecessary. Brushing your tongue, don't need that. So what we're learning is just terrible dental hygiene for you. I give it, what is it, decline bench? Decline bench doesn't work. There is sandals. Sandals in the shower That doesn't help anything

These are super scientifically proven things Super super I used to get so mad Like playing like First of all It's just so weird that Like mites Like six years old

We all shower together But Hockey's so weird You guys all have fucking Sandals on What do you wear that for A communal shower Well what's good is

Like As long as It's almost like the suits and the t-shirts. As long as you're the only one not wearing flip-flops, then you're fine. Oh, really? Well, just think about it. If everybody has their flip-flops on, there's not going to be any fungus and shit, right? I thought it was just, like, people pissing and stuff. No, piss is sterile.

I don't know what it's from. Yeah, I guess that makes sense that it's coming. I don't really believe piss is sterile. No, piss is sterile. Nah, I don't know what it's from. Yeah, I guess that makes sense that it's common. I don't really believe in Pistarol. No, Pistarol. Nah, don't think so. Jury's still out on that one. How about, we were talking about this the other day. I don't believe my cheeseburger caused the forest fires either.

Yeah, I still don't follow that one. Trent has the idea to, in order to cure STDs, we just give everybody STDs. Yeah, I was on that rundown. Great rundown. So, you know, think about it, folks. I don't believe in STDs. That's another one.

Okay, that's a big one then. I just don't know anyone who's ever had one, so I just don't think they're real. Chrissy D? Chrissy D in the D stands for drippy dick? That's true. I mean, Chris DiStefano has had chlamydia more than the fucking koalas in Australia.

He has the most chlamydia. I just think, I don't know, I guess I just think if they were real, I would have gotten one. He jokes with me about his genital warts. I don't even know if pregnancy's real. Okay. Flesh that one out.

I mean, why haven't I gotten someone pregnant then? Oh, you're sterile. Could be. Your cum doesn't work. Yeah, that one. You got bad cum. That one definitely might be. You don't shoot and it's like poison.

Yeah. You know this. You put your phone under your balls. You put your laptop on your dick. Yeah, that's true. You are either a super, you either have super sperm or like no sperm. You have no sperm. I think me and you are the yin and the yang.

Yeah, that makes sense. My shit got supercharged. Yours got killed. Pretty nice. Mine, like, I mean. Sounds like I won that one. Well, we'll see. I'm waiting for Keegan to, like, climb the wall.

I'm going to walk in. He's going to be stuck to the ceiling. I'm going to be like, yes, we're getting rich. Last voicemail. Let's do it. We'll get into our interviews. What's up, boys? I kind of got a question slash am I the asshole going here.

So I've been dating this girl for like a year now. And she's just a little bit overly affectionate, I guess. So, you know, always trying to hug my neck, always kissing my face. I'm just trying to sit there and watch TV and relax. Always hugging me, blah, blah, blah. Always trying to, like, grab onto me. Whatever. You know what I mean. Am I the asshole

for not wanting to be smothered like this? Or, you know what I mean? And, like, I don't know. Am I an asshole for just wanting to be able to watch TV in peace and not get smothered? I think this is a super personal preference. It's like some people do PDA.

Some people don't. It's not even public. It's just DA. We're just doing displays of affection here. Some people are touchy-feely. Some people aren't. I don't think you're the asshole if you – I think you got to do it a little bit.

But if it's like – Make or pay. What? Make or pay. Like if you want to kiss me, you got to give me five bucks? Yep. Ben, mow me. Your brain is on one today.

I mean, it's something I do. I charge $2. But it is – because she does this thing where she like let me sit on the couch and she grabs me and twists and it always like i'm like ah that sounds like it hurts yeah so we started at this system we pay two bucks and and she does it yeah how much have you made regularly but it's like if it particularly upsets me i'm like come on what's in that two dollars yeah that that to me like she in fact it was her idea she needs to just not all right so this is like a thing of hers because like you could you could probably like kiss me on

the face or whatever without like wrenching my neck around i guess but it's i think i think it's part of her fun i think she likes it guys should start doing that it's i think everyone does it it's very simple when don't open this box you do not want to open pandora's box for make me your little slut kissy prostitute it costs money for you to do affectionate things to your partner we're gonna get the shit end of the stick on that one don't care i bet i bet we come out i bet when it all comes out said and done even i bet it's at least even so like you're gonna charge two2 for a kiss. They're going to charge, like, $100 for

a blowjob. Fine. And you think there's 50 kisses per blowjob? I mean, it's not you're going to charge for every kiss. You're going to charge for kisses I don't feel like giving right now. They're going to charge for every blowjob. No. Yep. That's not fair. I know. Girls aren't fair. We'll work that out in the CBA, but Yeah, we do. We need to have the monthly meeting. Yeah. We gotta, like,

I think it's... In the new collective bargaining, we're going to agree. You don't get punched in the face anymore. You don't get verbally berated. You don't just laugh that off. We got to stick to our guns on that. And $2 per kiss. I think this is a thing we should do across the board with all things. If you're doing something for me, if I'm making you do something that you don't want to do,

I should pay you for it. Yeah, I mean, capitalism. I don't feel like kissing you right now. I know a couple. I'll give you $2. I know a couple of guys. I used to give my college roommate, I'd give him $2 to order food for me. Right.

Because, you know, we weren't absent and stuff like that. So he had to make the call. I didn't want to do it. $2 for you. Bam. $2 per kiss, $2 for inconvenience. Right. Anytime you're inconvenienced, you meet $2.

You make me go to a dinner I don't want to go to? More than that. More than that. $50. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a way to have a happy relationship. I know a couple that did, like, you know, like, if, all right, if you, like, do the dishes, I'll suck your dick.

And they, like, they operated very consistently that way and, like, seemed to be happy. I feel like I would in the beginning, I'd probably be cleaning the fuck out of the place. Then eventually I'd be like, can't you just do this for free? Is that fucking terrible? Which it probably is.

It's probably pretty terrible. It's probably like, yeah, you should do all the dishes all the time for me to even consider this. It's the way the world works. When I have to do something I don't want to do i'm paid money i'm paid extra money i'm paid it's it's a thing but what you're going to run into is just what i said girls are going to be like it's the i mean it's the the trope the cliche i want you to want to do it but it's something i want to do it other times i'd rather be on the couch if i if i'd rather be on the couch pay me

100 bucks to go to dinner i'm gonna be getting a hundred dollars a lot Very often then Like there's sometimes I want to go to dinner I would charge you every time Occasionally You know There's sometimes you want to suck my dick At that time

Like You would do that free of charge But But it's not It's like I don't know If you want to do something you don't want If you have to do something you don't want to do you have to do something you don't want to do.

Compensation. Compensation just doesn't make sense. One form or another. Venmo, that shit, bitch. Monetary or. I've got Venmo and Cash app. Hit the other one. I don't care.

Apple Pay, Snapchat money, all that shit. I got fucking, I got PayPal. I got the whole shit bang. Whatever you want, man. The whole shit bang. Just not cash. Don't give me cash. Get out of here.

Yeah. Fuck that. Come on. I'm not going to do that. It's 2020. Give it to a homeless guy. Come on. They've got a better bed than me. All cash. Get out of here. Yeah. Fuck that. I'm going to do that. Give it to the homeless guy. Come on. He's got a better bed than me.

All right. Time for our interviews. We got Wells Adams on the show. He is from The Bachelor, now the bartender in Bachelor in Paradise. He works for he does Good Morning America. I think I've seen him on E. He's married to maybe the sexiest, most talented, engaged to the sexiest, most talented girl in Hollywood, Sarah Hyland.

And very he's got a radio background, so great interview with him where he knew how to kind of reciprocate. I like Wells a lot. Me too. Really good dude. A bit obnoxious with how good looking and good of a boyfriend and successful he is. That's kind of like a dick move. But very interesting story about how he met Sarah, their first date, how he grew to be doing Good Morning America and whatnot. A lot of funny Bachelor stories. So, Wells Adams

chops it up with Feidelberg and KFC. Let's do it. Alright, Wells Adams is here. Appreciate you coming through, man. Hell yeah. Wells is telling me he comes to New York every week from LA. Yeah. That's a hell of a commute. Motherfucker.

How long? Monday night, red eye. I get in at 545 in the morning on Tuesday. We go film the Good Morning America segment. And then I'm on the 230 flight back to Los Angeles. God damn. I hope they pay you a lot for that. I was like, wait a minute.

That sounds like it's a regular, ordinary gig. That better be a big premium. I just love Michael Strahan so much. Yo, wild, though, that, like, I mean, parlaying this into, you know, Good Morning America and, like, I mean, everybody can kind of make the most of, like, Bachelor appearances and reality TV show stuff now, but I feel like you're really doing the damn thing. Well, I mean, like, so I think a lot of people don't realize where I came from beforehand. You already kind of had a media background, right? Yeah, I was a radio host. This is what my life this room is what my life looked

like in Nashville for 12 and a half years. Sorry about that. I hope a little bit better. No, this is cooler, actually. There's actually some character on the wall. You did two shows, right? You did a morning show and an afternoon show? No, there was a time in which I was doing three shows. I hustled hard. It was like I would did a morning show and an afternoon show? No, there was a time in which I was doing three shows. I hustled hard. It was like I would do a morning show on the alt station.

So that's like a 4.30 in the morning, get your ass up, go in, prep your show. I didn't have a producer. I did everything myself. One-man operation. Yeah. And I did all my booking as well. I would do my morning show. It would end at 10.

And then I'd have like – I was an MD, like a music director, so I'd have to take music meetings with label reps trying to get me to spin their whoever, whatever, between, like, 11.30 and 12.30. I'd take a nap, try to eat. I would do afternoon drive on the Classic Rock, which I definitely kind of phoned in because it's Classic Rock. They're not breaking anything new. Guess what?

It's Tom Petty and Rolling Stones up next, guys. And then that was from three to basically seven. And then at seven, I'd go over to the pop station and I'd play. So you just overachieved. Because now on your podcast, on your favorite thing, you were saying you work harder now. How the fuck do you work harder now? Like taking fucking red eyes every week. That's how.

This was about a plane ride. That's how. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. The days are different now. When I was younger, it didn't suck ass. Now that I'm like 35. Taking his toll.

Yeah. I'm like, God, this is taking forever. It is like modern fame. it works it works no matter what i think any work in the 21st century eventually you don't really get you're never off work yeah you're always you you know we erica famously had said that you know you have to reply to an email in three hours and like i feel like i feel like most jobs are like that yeah it's like you're on call well or you know Or most successful people. I mean, you can probably be one of those people who don't abide by all that, but you're not

going to make it to Good Morning America. It's not even that, though. For me, I get freaked out when I'm not working. Yeah. Like, I think something's wrong. Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's a bad way to be, though.

I feel like we're going to... I know. It's like... It's a one-way ticket to an early grave, the way we're we handle a lot at home i remember when i when we started a while ago my dad would be like he was trying to tell me he's like you got to set up a place in your apartment where you work because you know and then yeah we're not working from home your couch is you're not in that room and i was like well dad i live in fucking manhattan i have a toilet in my bedroom yeah i don't really have the space for an office.

I can't go to the study and then open this wing. So my couch is going to be the office. But I always think back on that where I feel like that almost planned my future right there. It's like you're never going to feel like you're off work. It's always going to be on. It's been the opposite for me because when I was doing the actual radio proper, I had a studio and an office and I drove in and that's where I did my business. And then I left and I went home and I didn't think about work.

And now I built a studio in the house I live in now with Sarah. And now when you work from home, you never have off. You're always like, yeah, I can go up to the studio. I can pop right in. I can cut that spot real quick. Right, right, right. And so now I feel like getting back to your point before. I work more because I'm always on call. bought real quick you know right and so now i feel like getting back to your point before it's like i

i work more because i i'm always on call whereas before like when i clocked out like i was done yeah yeah you don't have your studio you couldn't even if you wanted to yeah exactly i'm very envious of those lives like my i have an aunt who doesn't have an iphone or a phone because she just says you know i do not want you to be able to contact me at all times and i'm like what a life that must be yeah but the advent of social media i feel like was like huge for us but at the same time like personally it was like ah fuck like you have to watch every game you have to watch you have to tweet every episode of the bachelor you have to be on every award show every episode every game like you just never can stop well i mean again you can but then you're also just not gonna be that's why i became like i became like a night

out i started like from like 1 a.m to 3 a.m. Everyone else is awake. Everyone else is asleep. And that's when I'm just like, okay, I'm not doing anything. I'm just fucking chilling now. Because you have to shut off at some point. If you're working all day, you have to have a time where you're like, I'm not doing anything right now. I mean, we're living in a weird world where we're addicted to the phones. Cold-blood addiction.

I've never had an addiction to anything like the phone. But when I went to do The Bachelorette, they take your phone away. And we all went through withdrawals like you always reach for your phone like you're always thinking it's buzzing in your pants and the fans vibrate yeah and then i remember like a crackhead producers would be walking around like you know typing messages or whatever and be like hey let me let me get let me get some of that twitter it was trending it was trending Let me get some of that Twitter. What's trending? Fuck your dick for some Twitter right now. It is. It also becomes such a nice security blanket. Like if you're awkward waiting for someone at a restaurant,

if you're awkward even in conversation, if there's a long conversation, you just fucking pretend to check the time, forget what time it is, and then you put it away. But it's just nice to have it right there. It's a true addiction. It's a good blankie. It's scary. And while you're at it, please it's just nice to have it right there. It's a true addiction. It's a good blankie. It's scary.

And while you're at it, please subscribe to this podcast and rate and review. I remember watching the Bachelorette season you were on. And I remember thinking, you were the radio guy with jokes. And I was like, if I was ever on a show like that, that would be my only play. I'm not beating any of these guys in the physical challenges or any of that shit. I can talk. We can have a conversation, and I'm going to hit you with jokes. It was an inspiration, Wells.

Yeah, no, I was pumped that that was my storyline. I didn't know what my storyline was going to be. Which is always a concern, right? Because they can fuck you with that. Totally. If they want to paint you a picture, you're done. For sure. And people can just go after you if they want to go after you.

And then you're just like, how do you respond to this kind of stuff? And I remember there was a moment where I was like, oh, I'm that guy. Okay, cool, cool, cool. We had this guy, the villain of our season, and he was just kind of like – Which guy was that? His name is Chad. Oh, yeah, yeah. We don't need to talk about any of that right now.

He gets kicked off the show, but he he was known for like always having his protein powder and i remember producers coming up to me and being like hey man um we want you to do the eulogy for chad and we want to pretend like the the protein powder is his ashes and they're like can you write something up real quick and have like a eulogy? And I was like, yes. I'm the funny guy. That's the way to – hey, bro, and I think it worked out pretty fucking well. I mean do you – the ultimate like, okay, maybe I didn't win, but I think I won. Is it easier once you get that role where you're like, okay, this is who I am?

Because I feel like it's harder to be yourself than it is to be like, okay, this is who I'm supposed to be. I was just being myself. I just didn't know like where. But it's like it's one part of yourself. Like it's not your whole self, right? It's like, okay, this is the part of myself they want me to highlight. So I can lean into this. It's kind of like here. But like when you're on one show, like you're really using this part of your brain.

And when you're on a different show, it's like, okay, I'm going to use this side. And it's easier rather than just going in there and being like, hi, I'm John. Yeah, I had an unfair advantage because I did, at that time, nine years of live radio. So I was really good at self-editing. And you guys can say whatever you want. But I had the FCC breathing down my neck all the time. So I was really good about having what I wanted to say and then saying it in the right way to not get in trouble. And I remember producers were like, hey hey just do whatever you want to do and

i'm like no motherfucker you want that so that's why i'm not gonna do that they are some masterful it's a well artist dude i mean like the the the shit that they can pull is i mean it's a it's i was joking with trent who's our Bachelor guy here. I call it the Bachelor Cinematic Universe. It's the BCU at this point. It's like Marvel. It's like you have this whole – there's spinoffs and everybody keeps their – like even when the show is over, they keep their fame. It's like a whole fucking community now that just never stops. And those producers are just always on top of it.

It's crazy. I mean, yeah, you're right. It is like this Marvel world. I would say the fame part is pretty fleeting. It's hard to like continue to stay relevant. You'll notice people kind of start doing thirsty things when it starts. Doing your Instagram ads and stuff like that. Yeah, and no judgment here.

I do stupid Instagram ads too. But yeah, I will say this. I don't work on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette franchise. I was a part of them. I do work on Paradise and so like I see how that is made and the one question that like everyone asks is like

it's scripted like they tell you what to do and my thing is like these people aren't smart enough to remember fucking lines right myself included you know like trained actors they're just being themselves

and if so fact so that's what comes out of everyone being themselves dumpster fires ignite because everyone is a dumpster fire what about dumpster fires in our rooms you're going to get a big dumpster fire

we get that a lot here they must have scripted that. Yeah. No, we couldn't. If we scripted that. You are giving us so much credit if you think we script these things. These are just idiot people working in the same building and shit just happens sometimes. It's much better.

It's truth, strange, and fiction. A pretty common phrase. And it rings true everywhere. It's not fun to have scripted stuff unless it's a fucking TV show. Right. If you're a full-blown actor. A crew of actors. Otherwise, it doesn't work.

So now you get to just bartend in where is that place? It's always in the same spot, right? Yeah, it's outside of Puerto Vallarta in this little town called Xylita, which is super dope. I don't even know where you're talking about. Puerto Vallarta in Xylita? So that's Mexico.

Honestly, it's going to be a Central South American guest. Pretty close, but I would have guessed Italy too. I had a few spots in mind. That would be awesome. It's in this little surf town which is really cool.

It films all of June. Oh, you're there like a whole month, huh? Yeah. You just sit there mopping up a bar, making some drinks, talking to people about their bad decisions. Yeah, and that's the thing. But also it sucks. Everyone wants my job until they walk their happy ass down those steps, and then they see me doing it, and they're like, oh, you're making the drinks? I'm like, what the hell do you think I was doing?

Just a fucking bartender. me doing it and they're like oh you're making the drinks i'm like what the hell do you think i was doing and then like inevitably what will happen is everyone will get we'll get like over not over sir but they'll get tipsy and they'll be annoying they'll leave their cups everywhere and i only have a limited number of cups it's from like art department right so then i walk around the beach and i'm picking up everyone's cups chris harrison can we get this guy some more fucking cups like that's where we're gonna draw the line the first the budget of the bachelor they can we get this guy some more fucking cups? That's where we're going to draw the line? The budget of the Bats where they can't get enough cups? The first year, and they never aired it, I don't think, but the first year, Chris thought it was so funny

that I'd be walking around, and he'd be like, clean up after years, yelling at them, and him being like, oh my god, this is amazing. But I'd be like, I'd get the cups, and I'd got to wash them. And I also want everyone to get massive diarrhea, so I have to clean up. I'd get the cups, and I've got to wash them. And I also want everyone to get massive diarrhea, so I have to really wash them well.

And then I have to go get all the ice. I have to stock the bar. You need a busboy. This is bullshit, man. The reason why it's not possible to do, if you think of the logistics of the show, if you've seen that bar, everyone's seen that bar. And now think about the shot of like over my shoulder shot, right?

That means that there's a camera guy next to me. That means there's a sound guy next to me. That means there's also a producer in there. There isn't room for a bar that big, you know? It's like that because the bar is not big enough. That year that I did the show with Yuki, she was the Japanese girl that couldn't speak any English. As much as I love her and how much wonderful energy she brought to the show, it sucked

so hard for me because I was constantly running into cameras. I had black eyes from just smoke in my face in cameras. So yeah, I need help, but I can't. I like how you said, and inevitably people get over-served. You're the one serving them, dude. It's like standing in front of a house on fire with a gasoline that matches. You're like, like, and inevitably people get over-served. Yeah. Like, you're the one serving them, dude.

It's like standing in front of a house on fire with a gasoline match. You're like, well, that was going to happen, of course. I can't believe it. You guys are drunk? What? I served you 30 shots. What is happening here? Back in the old days, you could really just do whatever you wanted.

And then in recent years, they've of uh battened down the hatches and so now i which is like liability wise terrifying i am in charge of making sure that people don't get too drunk and so i'm like denoting how much they're drinking and that would be the worst part of the job yeah like oh no you can't have another one what's really hard is um you like I know these people. I'm not just, like, a bartender. Like, now these people, like, I see them every single day, right? They're, like, they're my friends.

But when you go to a bar and you get fucked up, the bartender can be like, you're cut off. Get out of here. It can be, and that's it. Yeah. You can't do that with your friends because they, and there's cameras. So they can get really defensive, right? I'm not drunk. Yeah, exactly. I'm not just thinking you're drunk and all that bullshit.

You're like, oh, man, all right. So I'll like straight up when people are – and I also can read the room and I know these people well enough. But a lot of times I'll just make them bad drinks. I'm like, dude, you need to like bring it down a level. And it's so funny when I've like we've done it where people have you know because they'll be like someone's got a date card everyone gets shots and i'm like so and so cannot have a drink so i'll like make them a walk a water yeah it's already vodka and it's like no there isn't like everyone's like taking like normal tequila shots and everyone's

like oh and then the one person that's drinking water is like oh you faker! I did it. Nothing worse than that. That happened to me one time on a Fourth of July in Newport, Rhode Island. And it was like, it was a rainy Fourth of July. So like everyone went right to the bar right away. No one did any beach, no one did any cookouts, nothing like that. And so I was blackout by noon. And it was a bar I very often frequented. So they were like, they were cool with me.

They didn't want to kick me out. And they just kept giving me Narragansetts with a tall boy can. And they just kept filling it with water. In a can? Straight up. And I had no idea. You were so hydrated the next day. No, I had no fucking clue.

My friends would tell me the next day, you know you were just drinking waters all day. I had no idea. We had a guy here who thought he ate an edible. And it was just like a waffle or whatever fucking pastry it was. And he was like having a panic attack, like, I'm so high. I was like, no, you're not, dude. No, you are not. There's nothing in there.

So now I feel – well, so you mentioned you're friends with everybody. Yeah. How close of friends are we talking? Because we heard you say that you would hide a body for Nick Vial. I mean, that's something I'm doing for, like, this guy, my brother. I don't know if I'm hiding a body for the – And I also, like – I don't know if I would actually hide a body for Nick Vial. Who would you hide a – like, what's your cutoff?

Like, you're hiding a body for Sarah? Yeah, yeah, for sure. What if she comes to you and she's like, I flat out murdered someone? There's no, like, more – like, I was justified I flat out murdered someone. There's no more. I was justified. I just murdered someone. You hide the body? Yeah, I think I'm going down with that ship, bro.

If I were you, I'm riding that ship to the bottom of the fucking ocean, man. Titanic, motherfucker. She's going to be a serial killer. I'm locking myself in. Yeah, I would organize her Dexter, the Dexter, the slides. Okay, we got a new one. Definitely. That one goes in there.

Athletic order, very nice. You see Wells throwing body, like fucking garbage bags off a boat. Like, yep, just doing Sarah's work. Hell yeah. I'm the mom in Don't Fuck With Cats. Yes. You know, the problem with those animal rights activists. That was an all-time

spin zone for that chick. They're the monsters. Oh, no. It's your psychopathic son that's the monster. I would go down with that shit for sure. I got a bone to pick with you on that, though. You gotta stop. The Instagram you're making us all look bad. I know. You're a dick.

My girlfriend is extraordinarily unique. In fact, I'd argue she's probably the only person, the only woman of her age on the planet who doesn't follow The Bachelor and has never seen Modern Family. We tried to start it. Almost impossible. Hulu doesn't have all the episodes, so she doesn't want to start without season one. And I was just telling her about my day, and I was like, yeah, we're interviewing Wells

Adams later. He's Sarah Hyland's fiance from from my family he's on the bachelor and she's oh no i know who they are they're the instagram couple yeah come on man it is what it is it's like you gotta keep uh that uh retention rate high do i blame you at all of course not do i hate you for it yeah there's it? Yeah, there's some parts there. Definitely. There's some parts there. There's a hint of raging jealousy, too. I don't know. There's a lot of reasons right now to hate Wills, man.

You're not wrong. I'm sorry. Oh, Wills, I know. So she was just a fan of, like, she saw you on The Bachelor. Is that how you connected? Yeah. That's crazy. That's one of the few, I'd argue, successful, like, Twitter.

It was when Twitter started, right? Yeah. It started with Twitter, and then I think I DM'd her on Instagram. That was my next question. So you see that she, like, makes a comment about you or knows about you, and then you slide? Like, yeah. Well, it was known, like, in The Bachelor world that she was a big fan of the show. Like, she would, like, live tweet it and stuff.

Right. And then I think it was we talked and just as, like. I'm on the show. You're a fan. You're a fan. Oh, my. The fact that you're a fan of the show, that's so dumb or whatever. Yeah.

And, like, to this day, I think she'll say that she was flirting with me, but I don't know if she really was. And then I became the bartender. That's such a guy answer. Yeah. And, like, to this day, I think she'll say that she was flirting with me, but I don't know if she really was. And then I became the bartender. That's such a guy answer. Yeah, I know. Like, a girl is flirting with you? I don't think she was. And she's like, no, I was flirting with you. Signs going over your fucking.

But it's also Sarah Hyland. I was just like, of course I'm nowhere near the league of her. And then I became the bartender. And then I remember she tweeted out, like, oh, my God, well, the bartender and then i remember she tweeted out like um like oh my god wells the bartender best season ever and that's when i was like okay i think there's something this is a thing yeah so then i started what a fucking moment that's gotta be are you like talking to your buddies like i was talking yo i think this is i think i gotta do something about this right like you see this yeah of course uh and i remember like texting her and and then i

was talking to my sister about it and my sister was like dude she's got a boyfriend you've and i was like oh shit i completely like misread the signs like oh my god so i was like and my sister was like don't be that guy like don't like everyone already thinks you're like a like a douchey reality tv i don't be that guy good call yeah i'm gonna do it but like i didn't know like the way that like hollywood works um a lot of times people break up and they don't publicize it because she's dating another actor for quite a long time so i straight up like kind of ghosted her i was like oh i miss worked yeah like i misread this like i

don't know and then so then that was it and then a year later comes around and I'm bartending again. I think she tweeted again and I was like – and that's when I know – I think the story came out that she was single. And I was like slid back in. Yo, that – I mean that's the perfect storm of like everything. Like you being like a radio host who can like read the room like you said you know how to talk then you get talked out of hitting on her she's probably sitting at home like this motherfucker is not dming me back i can't believe it and then it just adds up to like the perfect story this have you heard you have to hide the bodies when she murders yeah which is

fine uh have you heard the story of our first date, though? No. That one's kind of bonkers. So she got, you know, like, I don't know if people know this, but she has a kidney transplant. And so we were talking, and we had never met in person, but we had been, like, FaceTiming and all that kind of stuff. Oh, wow. And so you went FaceTime before meeting in person? Dude, that's like going limp dick before boner. You're like, oh, fuck it. Everyone looks fat and gross on FaceTime. Come on.

It's just this angle. You got a selfie stick to hold up. But she calls me and she's like, hey, man, if you want to meet me, you need to come out before Tuesday. If you don't come out before Tuesday, it's going to be a long time before we get to hang out and i don't know what she's talking about but she was alluding to this kidney transplant that she was gonna have and i'm such like a dipshit guy where i'm like it'll all work out like the universal lines for me like being like whatever i not knowing how serious it was right weirdlyly enough, I used to do a bunch of help get dogs adopted in Nashville. I know, sorry.

Motherfucker. He takes a shirt off. And also, I got a 14-inch dick. So there's this thing called the Hero Dog Awards, which is an award show for basically service dogs. And they called me, and they were like, hey, we want someone to present at the hero dog awards this weekend in los angeles would you love to would you like to come and i was like you pay for my flight great so then i

called sarah being like guess what gonna be there this weekend let's fucking hang out and come to find out like like months later she was like oh my god so romantic he had his people like reach out and like get him this spot on the award show. I was like, I don't have people. What are you talking about? I just answered a phone call. So I finished up doing the hero dog awards thing. She's like, Hey, I'm going to this party at, we'll go get drinks afterwards. I said, great. Finish the finish doing what I'm doing. Text her. She goes, Hey, listen, we're in Beverly Hills. There's no place open right now. I've got a plus one at this party.

Just come to this party. So I said, okay, great. I'm still wearing a suit, so I don't feel – That's in, yeah. So I take Uber over there. There's a party in – and I didn't know about this. There's a party in Hollywood called the Night Before the Emmys Party. And it is a party with no press where everyone who is nominated for an Emmy, which is like every everyone in Hollywood is at this party.

And it's like a who's who hobnob like networking thing. And I didn't know this. So I show up to the night before the Emmys party for my first day. I've never met this girl in person. And so she walks out, gives me a wristband. First person we walk into is joel mckale at this point are you like are you like shaking her hand is like a hug and a kiss is it like i think it was like a hug and like a kiss on the cheek okay and like yeah the first person we meet

is like joe mckale and he's like cracking wise and he's like why we know that game yeah it's like why is this douchebag here he didn't say, but that's what he was thinking. The next person we run into is Johnny Galecki, and he's a guy from Big Bang. And Sarah's like, oh, my God, how's the house? And he's like, well, it fucking burned down. So I start laughing because it's Johnny Galecki, and I just know him as funny guy from Big Bang. He goes, why are you laughing? And I go, oh, you're serious? He goes, yeah, Malibu fires.

And I'm like, whatever, like fires. And I was like, oh. And then he showed a goes, yeah, Malibu fires. And I'm like, whatever, like fires. And I was like, oh. And then he showed a picture, and all that was left was a chimney. I go, well, at least the chimney made it. And it was like off to a terrible start. Is she giving you looks or anything? She's just like, Jesus Christ, dude. Oh, my god.

Put a muzzle on this guy. So then we walk in, and she's introducing me to all the people. The Stranger Things kids are there. And I'm like, oh man, the Game of Thrones people there. And here's the thing that like, I think turned it for me. So that's a party not for reality TV people. Like in Hollywood, like actors think very poorly. They're looking down on you.

Yeah. But I've been invited to this and I'm also the bartender on a show that everyone really likes to watch. So I was like this novelty to all these people. So everyone's come up being like, oh, shit, dude, the bartender. Is it real? All the questions. Yeah.

And I remember her coming up to me being like, you're more popular at this party than I am right now. And I was like, this is weird, man. I know. Right. And then I remember I was talking to I think it was the girl from Westworld. And I was like to, I think it was the girl from Westworld. Because I was so into that show at the time. And this sounds like such a fucking name-dropping story.

But it just was crazy. To understand how the first date was just crazy to me. And she goes, hey, are you on a date with her? Because they were friends. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, hey, maybe you should go fucking talk to her. And I was like, you're right. I'm going to go do that. I don't know much about evan rachel wood i

know she doesn't fuck around yo that is like that is maybe the best piece of advice that anyone has ever or will ever give to you like hey you see that girl over there that beautiful like talented whatever she wants you to doctor so go fucking do it yeah that i truly genuinely believe that that should be a movie yeah i mean they're those movies already kind of exist like you know i'm i'm like the guy in over my head just trying to make it you know but like that one sounds like a fucking that's like one of those it's what people say about yourselves and go do it where it's like uh on the bachelor where they say like you know it's almost like it's a relationship and fast forward where they do all the romantic parts where it's like almost you have to kind of fall in love like yeah

that night sounds like a relationship and fast forward if like only like uh she had a pet die too where it would be like now you have to console at the moment we've done the whole roller coaster night we've been through an entire relationship we got it no it was worse she had a kidney transplant i forgot about the kidney transplant! That's right! That's such a wild story. I forgot about the kidney transplant. That is one of the most romantic, entertaining, whatever

tales I've ever heard in my life. I think it was... She's not a stupid person. She's very smart, and I do think it was a little bit like let's see if this kid can hang and throw him in the deep end yeah yeah well there's a lot to handle i mean you're at the rap party the other day and now i mean i guess you're probably used to it but but again i really feel like being you know in media and radio and just being able to kind of handle yourself

i don't think a lot of other people without that confidence would have been able to swim i feel like it would be sync for a lot of other people. Yeah, I mean, like, I came from this radio world where I would, I get so much more starstruck for musicians. Like, actors, it's cool to meet, like, really big actors, but I'm not like, oh, my God, you know, but, like, if, like, but if Robert Plant walks in the room, I'm like, holy shit, I need a picture, you know? Right, right.

And so, like, I... I don't know who that is. We're going to throw that out there. Led Zeppelin. He's like you. You're such a big motherfucker. I nodded, but I was like, I like Wells. I'm going to be honest with him.

Don't know who that is. So, like, I, yeah, I don't know. I was never nervous about that. Like, I would be much more nervous for musicians and for interviewing all those people for like years and years in radio. It just made it so like I was much more just like, eh, well, fuck it. Right, right, yep. Johnny Galecki, your house burned down. I'm really sorry.

At least the chimney made it as a great line. Great line. Is there ever any part like – and this is so weird to even ask because it's like you're – as far as fame goes, a one percenter, right? Like you are in the upper echelon of fame, but there are very few people who are more famous than you. Sarah Hyland is one of them. And it makes it like in like forgetting Sarah Marshall when he's when. Holding the purse.

Like holding the purse. Is there ever anything like that? Oh, I have that all. It's that that is I've like looked for that clip because I've been wanting to post it because it's so real to me. And it's so funny, too. It's like, hey, big guy, get the fuck out of the way. That's the line of the movie. And I've had that so many

times. In the beginning, especially, it was like, I don't even walk the carpet with you. Like, you don't even get to do this with me. Which I was like, totally. Totally got it. And then it's become more of like we do it together um but in the beginning it was like hold the purse i would i would say like i'll

hold the purse and the glasses then i'd walk around the step and repeat you know like the big billboard that everyone's taking pictures and that's where the help goes yes and i'll meet on the other end like yeah you know what, madam. You and your spectacles. But now the funny thing is that we'll do it together. And then they have this thing called glamour shots. And it's a nice way of saying, hey, motherfucker, get out. We want to take pictures of the pretty girl. The actually talented one.

So they're like, hey, Sarah, can we do a glamour shot? And then it's like she pushes me aside and I walk away. I mean, the only thing I'll say about that is I saw Alex fucking Rodriguez do that recently. You know what I mean? Like that to me is like it can be anybody at this point because, I mean, and I would wear that like a badge of honor. Like, yeah, man, I don't know. That's my girl. I'll go sit in the stands. I'll go whatever, you know.

She's going home with me. That is wild, dude. I mean, and so now what? Good morning, America. What's like the end goal or the goal for you? I mean, I don't know. My whole thing is just like positive forward momentum, you know, like don't like rest on your laurels stuff. Like I was saying before, the relevancy thing dies so quickly

so you got to be able to use whatever you've got and continue pushing forward um i mean i do my two pod i actually do three podcasts but um the two podcasts is that's like fun like that lets me do the radio thing still because i don't actually do terrestrial radio anymore how did you get hooked up with brandy was that a nashville thing yeah so we both lived in nashville and we actually pitched a show because i was i worked for iheart when i was doing those three shows um and we pitched uh like a night time show her and i and we pitched it to iheart being like we wanted to syndicate it and like make it into a big show and they passed on it and we're, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm the bartender on this show, and she's the sister of Miley Cyrus.

What show is better than this? So then we turned it into a new podcast, and then a couple years later, iHeart came to buy it, and we were like, oh, too bad. Shucks. That's got to be a great feeling. Yeah, it was a nice one. A little bit of vindication there, yeah. But, yeah, Brandy's cool. And, like, her family is so weirdly, wildly entertaining and amazing that, like, going over their house is, like, the funniest thing you've ever seen.

Their family is one of the – I think fame is obviously such a weird thing. But in particular, that level where it's such a roller coaster and there's so's some like miley's been the villain she's been the hero she's been so many things and i think almost her and her dad now have like risen back to the top where like miley's the hero obviously old town road is a monster yeah and it's like i think that family goes with them with you know through hannah montana and all that stuff yeah and they are seen it all i'd say they're at the peak right now. Yeah, they're having a moment for sure. I would say the person that doesn't get as much credit as she should is Tish, the mom.

She's like very much like Kris Jenner. Like she's managing a lot of the moving parts and – I feel like the only time I've seen Tish is when she's got that viral picture of her in front of so much weed oh yeah girl loves smoke some weed it is like it is like a room of weed not not not plants of weed i've never seen like whatever i don't know with dime bags or nugs yeah like it's a significant portion of weed she has but like she was the one who suggested so so like the way that Old Town Road went was Lil Nas X had that charting on Billboard. And because country music is such like an old boys thing, they were like this can't chart on country. This is a rap song.

So they ripped it off. By the way, coming from a radio world, it's so fucking hard to get a song to chart. To do that to a kid I thought was terrible. So fucked up, yeah. Although it ended up, I think, it galvanized and put him on the map as far as news goes, you know? Yeah, well, that's how Tish found out about it. And Tish was like, I think if Billy Ray writes a lyric on this song, then it's a country song. And so she connected all the dots and then made that song really what it was and it won all

the grammy he never won a grammy which is crazy that like achy break your heart didn't win a grammy yeah he just won his first grammy this past year but yeah uh that family is so funny and so amazing and look at you man just rubbing elbows with the hollywood elite you have listen you're a good looking guy but you've just snaked your way into this. Biggest con. Yeah, I love it. Snake it till you make it, man. Unbelievable. Well done.

Do you still, like, I'm getting the vibe that you do Bachelor in Paradise, but the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises I feel like you're not as much into. I mean, I'm into it because I'm doing a segment on Good Morning America, so I've got to talk about it. Right, right. Is Sarah still, like still a super fan? Yeah, we watch. It's our thing to watch. It's also good for me

because I should get to know these people because I'm going to be spending a summer with them. And I think the show's funny. But yeah. Other stuff that's going on, I can't talk about it, but there's another television show that we're going to be doing, which will be fun. Bachelor related or totally separate?

Totally separate. When you say we, you mean you and her or just like you? No, just me. Sarah will never stoop so low as to do a reality television show. I mean, I can understand why, but, like, it's... I would watch you two. Yeah, well, it's funny, because everyone says, like, have Sarah come down and bartend with you

and give advice, which, like, in theory, it's great, but I'm always like, Mike Fleiss doesn't have enough money to pay her. You can't afford my girl, dude! Like, her rate from Modern Family is so outrageous. What are you doing?

It would have to be a full-blown like charity event. Like I'm doing this pro bono for you scrubs. I'm going to come down to my ivory tower for a minute here. Good for her, man. Good for you too, dude. It's awesome to watch it all unfold. Would you ever go into actual acting? No, I'm not that.

Have you ever tried? I've had things where I had to learn lines I cannot. Actual acting sounded like a dig or something like that. Obviously it wasn't. I feel like when you say like. No, I'm not an actor. I'm a radio host. I can be a TV host.

I can play myself really well. All right, let's say we write a role for you where you get to play Wells Adams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But that's not acting to me. That's me being me. Right. You know?

In like a... It's like Justin Timberlake in Alpha Dog. Yeah, yeah. You're just being the cool guy covered in tattoos. There you do it. I got this. I got this.

Or Justin Timberlake in... Most things Justin Timberlake. Anything Justin Timberlake does. Justin Timberlake in Just Friends. Justin Timberlake in... Social Network, he branched out a little bit. I don't think so. He was the richest playboy who said a billion dollars was cool.

Wells Adams, the new Justin Timberlake. Hey, let's just keep saying that until it sticks. Yeah. Wells Adams, the new Justin Timberlake. Except for the last thing he was in the news for down in New Orleans. Oh, the little hanky-panky. It was, look, I'm going to get my guys back here. It didn't look great, but it wasn't like, you know.

I didn't watch the whole video. In this day and age, that's as fucking harmless as it gets. Think about it, man. When I heard that news, I'm like, oh, no. Like, what did JT do? It was just like, it was basically just this, right? A little hand-holding. I mean, not good.

Not good. You don't want your girls seeing that. But let's not go canceling JT over that, right? We appreciate you coming through, man. Thanks a lot. Thanks for having us. So you got the three podcasts, which are out on iTunes and everywhere else. And follow them on social.

And just tone it down a little bit so we don't look like assholes. Oh, you know what? You already put the ring on, right? You're good. You're done. So just stop now, all right? We already gave you a little help. You said on the podcast on, right? You're good. You're done. So just stop now, all right? We already gave you a little help. You said on the podcast, you said that.

So Brandi read a text message from her boy. Her boyfriend, yeah. And you were like, oh, I got to step my game up. I don't think you do. Your game is sufficiently high enough. Okay? If anything, you can tone it down. All right, I'm going to bring it down.

I'm going to go to New Orleans with JT. No, I'm not. Yeah. All right, I'm going to bring it down. I'm going to go to New Orleans with JT. No, I'm not. All right, big thank you to Wells. He told us some more stuff off the air about his new show that he's working on, and I don't want to just continue to tease here. But when it comes out, it's going to be something you want to watch. It's going to be something to talk about for sure, at least the one episode he told us about.

Be on the lookout for Wells Adams in the future. Jake Lacey now. Jake Lacey from the late seasons of The Office. I like Jake Lacey a lot. Yeah, these are two guys who like we said, could be the third co-host type of guests. I'll just say this. We come in

so perfectly hot with Jake Lacey. Right off the bat, you're going to like this interview. Let's get into it right now. All right, Jake Lacey's here. Hey, how are you? Our booker just told us that you were coming in after you went to the bathroom. Did you wash your hands? I didn't.

Yeah! My man! That's what's up. There he is. I like it. Just peed. You know what I mean? Come on.

I trust you. I feel like it's fine. I trust that you're a capable adult who didn't pee all over his hands. So you don't need to wash your hands. I love that honesty. I peed before I got in the car to come over here and I washed there. And then I was like, I got to pee again. And was like, how many, like, what could have happened?

I'm going to trade off skin on my hands. Like, how many, I must be losing layers and layers of skin. I already got cracked fingers. Did you know I read once that if you use hand sanitizer too much, this was back in the old iPhone days when they had thumbprints, your fingerprint goes away, like Will Smith Men in Black style. That actually feels like a good thing. I'm going to start using that more often.

Who knows? I don't want you to attract psychos out there like, murder time, hand sanitizer. I've been doing this for 10 years. Now it's time to commit the murder. Time to get revenge I had a buddy once in high school who he would sleep with

I guess he had really dry skin so he'd sleep with socks on that were also like soaked in lotion what? yeah it was like something for cracked skin or something like that and so he put he was actually a big outdoorsman you're a Vermont guy so you probably know that stuff but it's also like in the old movies where you see, like,

the lady, like, putting oil of Olay on her face, like a night cream before. It's like, it does work, but then you're also the guy who's like, hold up, I gotta get my socks and my lotion, buddy. Hold up, hold up. He wakes up in the morning, just like, here's my, like, sock mittens filled with lotion? The only reason I know this is because, like,

back in the day when we would have, you know, travel hockey and stuff like that, you'd only get one bedroom for four guys. So we'd share beds. And I shared a bed with him. And the first time I got it, I was like, dude, what are you doing right now? I was 15 years old. I'd never heard of such a thing. You were like, am I about to be assaulted by a colleague, a 15-year-old?

I'm getting into bed with mankind. He's going to wake up with a sock, grab my tonsils. What does he do with, like, peeing in the middle of the night? Yeah. Is he like, and now I reapply, and now I do the thing. It's like 25 minutes to take a leak. Just how a lobster takes a piss. Here we go.

But anyway, that's what serial killers do. They sleep only. They play hand sanitizer. You played travel hockey. I did, yeah. Where are you from originally? I'm from Fall River, Massachusetts. Oh, right on.

Southwestern Mass. Okay, yeah. You're what, Western Mass and then Vermont? I was born in Greenfield, and then when I was four, we moved to like around Killington. Oh, sick. I played hockey, was not good enough, was good enough at the end for travel, but did other things in school. My family was like, we're not going to, I can't, you can't do plays after school and

also be in Boy Scouts and also like have a brother though you're smart and stuff you know i always think about that with like we always say that with like i wish i didn't play football i fucking hated football but i played it because you're supposed to sure i wish i was doing plays instead of that i didn't have i didn't have the bravery that you had i was scared people gonna make fun of me no you know what i mean it is kind of though like you know especially at that age when you're younger it's like sports and macho shit. And to be like, no, I'm doing theater. I like it.

And I don't care. You know, by the way, like, those guys always end up coming out ahead. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, yeah, it's fucking gay. You're lame. It's like, wow, don't worry about it. I feel like I got to, like, 16 and saw kids who were really good at sports. And I was like, I'm not going to go pro.

Like, I'm not going to be in the NHL. Smart realization to make. I'm not going to play for the Bruins. Like, this isn't going to work out for me. I was stunned I didn't make the NHL because there was – To this day. When I was a kid, right? When I was in elementary school, Drew Bedslow came to my school.

And one of the questions someone asked him was like, how did you make the NFL? And his answer was something to the effect of when I was a kid, I wrote on every poster in my room, I will be in the NFL. And that like inspired me to work for it. So I went home that day and wrote on every Patrick Waugh poster, Mark Messier poster, I will be in the NHL and figured my work was done. Yeah. Just wait for draft night, baby.

That is the hardest part with like success stories where you're like, what was your secret? And people who maybe have a belief that, like, these kind of randomized acts that they participated in were the secret, you're like, yeah, there's also 100,000 other kids who are like, I will be in the NFL. We're never in the NFL. Didn't make varsity. You know what I mean? kids who are like i will be in the nfl who were never in the nfl didn't make varsity you know i mean like so to be like that's how it all worked out is like well sure but you're talking your test group is only people who succeeded yeah yeah like nobody's been a pretty big factor where did it go wrong and i also find the nfl on my posters and uh i mean i guess bartending quincy

like confidence is part of it but i also feel like a lot of people who master whatever craft they're doing are usually the opposite of that. They're always kind of pessimistic. I was just talking to Harlan. He was like, every book I ever write, I'm like, I don't know, this book's going to stink. And I just put it out and people love it. So I find out that more often than not, or at least a good chunk of the time, the people who succeed are still, even when they're successful, are still doubting themselves or working because I'm not good enough yet. And that's the drive that keeps you moving. Yes. I don't know.

Oh, man. Go ahead. We're in the trust tree. Go ahead and say it. Whatever it is. I try to like of late, like for a long time I tried to combat that by like denying it in a way that like in acting would like create a structure of a performance outside of that feeling of doubt. To be like that doubt is over here. I completely reject it. Right. Create this thing over here.

Right. And that left me feeling disappointed in my own work. And then I had this audition for a role that I love and didn't get for an Arthur Miller play. And I was talking to a friend of mine who's an actor, and I was like, I don't know if I'm good enough for this thing. I don't know if I'm good enough for the, you know, whatever. And he was like, but don't you think that, like, Chris, this role, also doubts that he's good enough? Yeah, right. Don't you think that this guy thinks he's kind of a piece of shit?

Like, don't you think this guy thinks he's coming up short? Like, that's the whole thing. Like, that's what makes these guys who really offer you in theater or cinema or even television, like, a thing where you go like, oh, man, I feel like I'm seeing them and they're seeing me even though we've never met, is that they are like sharing that real vulnerability, not just a vulnerability being like, a bad thing happened to me and now I'll talk about it, as much as being like, I never know if I'm good enough and I'm going to put that into this character

because they feel that way and share this with viewers who go, oh man, I don't know if I'm good enough either. To try to meld that thing and not deny the doubt, but to be like, I'm going to take this doubt and put it into this work and try to embrace it and love that thing instead of being like, I'm good. I'm totally good.

I don't have doubt. Do you find it easier to play roles that you do relate to or things that are completely different? I know some people – I think Chris Evans when he was touring for Knives Out was like, I love doing this because I'm not the asshole. But it was great to be the asshole. Right. Do you – would you prefer to be like, okay, I got to relate to this and I can pull for myself or just act completely different than what you are? Really for me, I think it's like a clarity of that character. Like I often play essentially like a boyfriend who completes somebody else's arc, right?

And usually women were stuck in that position for like 100 years of cinema. But part of that thing is that like those characters often have attributes that only serve to reflect the lead and so in one scene you're like this is where he stands up for himself and in the next scene this is where he cowers and you're like i want to be a guy who's exactly like me or not like me i'm more like i just want clarity of character i want to know like who is this person and what is he from moment to moment and why are we claiming he responds this way in one scene and then responds completely the opposite in another for no reason other than to serve a story or a character, not to be like, well, this guy wouldn't do that. So that to me is more what I search for.

And then of late have like found the confidence, if I think it's lacking, to go to a writer or director. I was going to say, that's more writing than you, right? Yeah. And often people are like, look, we're doing it. They either explain it and say, like, it's got to be this way because it sets up, da-da-da-da-da, or they're like, what do you want to do? You can say, like, I want him to just hold the door

and not, like, allow everybody to walk in and make a whole thing. It would just be like, the guy just holds the door and then he goes in. He's me again. They're like, yeah, you really are door and then he goes in. He's me again. You really are. Whatever role this is, it should have been John Fidelberg playing that because...

But you mentioned how it's to serve the female role. I feel like you're usually, obviously Pete and then Pete with Aaron and now Clyde in High Fidelity on Hulu with Robin, right? Yeah, Zoe Kravitz.

It's often the nice guy guy i feel like the nice guy has changed meaning as of late at least on the internet i don't know how much you live on the internet but nice guys now are thought of as the guy who's like i love you like i you know you're looking for a guy like me i am a guy like me blah blah blah and then when he finally gets rejected he's like whatever, fuck you fat bitch are you worried your brand is in trouble here the nice guy is not what it used to be man

well, what I'd say is that I think like this show, I think like thankfully to the writers and to Zoe that like High Fidelity offers myself and Clyde, the role that I play on the show, an opportunity to be, like, a good guy,

not necessarily, like, a nice guy. That's a good distinction. The nice guy ends up being kind of, like, a little bit of just, like, a spineless kind of, like, whatever you want, babe. You're like, that's cool that he's concerned with her needs, but also like, I don't want to be friends with that guy.

I don't want to hang out with a dude who's like, it's cool, that's fine, whatever you guys want to order, I'll be sure. I don't even like wings, but I'll have them. What's up, Jake? I'm pretty sure a guy would wear like a white shirt Hey how about a guy who played football for four years Even though he hated it

I think Jared told me a story the other day I think it was at the airport You guys were getting sandwiches And they like forgot yours Oh yeah Jared had to get it for me So they paid for two sandwiches One sandwich goes out, goes to Casey John's is missing and they were like

No no no you only paid for one and he was like oh okay and another friend had to be like no i watched him pay for it go get him his sandwich that's exactly what happened i had already walked away i was like all right fuck it never mind i'm not having lunch i'm telling you now what we need they got pretzels on the plane i'll make it now now we need a movie that's just entirely the lead is the nice guy and not just the boyfriend, and we dive deep into the mind of you and why you are the way you are because that shit's going to be fascinating. Maybe you can play that role. Do you know – have you seen John Mulaney's stand-up?

Yeah. He has a thing about how it's great that he has a girlfriend now because she encourages him to stand up for himself. Exactly me! They'd be like, your flight is canceled. Go over there. And he's like, oh, OK. And she's like, no, John, engage with the thing. I'm not going to do his thing.

That is, again, what he calls his girlfriend is a little Jewish bulldog, I think, or something like that. Yeah, he's like, she's, he goes, it's going to get lightly anti-Semitic. Everybody relax. It's OK. It's OK. I love her. High Fidelity is getting some

serious praise. Specifically, are you familiar with Alan Sepinwall? Sepinwall is a TV writer. I think he's at Rolling Stone now. He used to be at HitFix. On the internet, at least, he's like my... He gives the seal of approval. Watch out.

Not only did he say the seal of approval, he said it should be in the conversation with all the greats that went from book to movie to TV show. Oh, wow. And he said it should be in the Friday Night Lights category. Oh, man. Which is like, holy shit. Wow. I mean, that's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's some very. He put it up there with Friday Night Lights, Mask, which I did not know was a Bacor movie, Handmaid's Tale, which I did not know was a movie, and Watchmen. He said it should be in that top five conversation. Amazing. Okay, I'll take it. That's some serious company. It's incredible to get to be a part of a thing that while you're making it, you think, like, this might be good. And then even 50-50, you're wrong on that.

You know what I mean? It comes out and you're like, no, it wasn't very good. Do you know when they're absolute pieces of shit? Yeah. See, we talk about that a lot. Sorry to interrupt you there. We talk about that a lot with us.

Sometimes we know we had a bad podcast. But it's okay because we do another one in two days. And it's easy. But when you know you had a bad movie or a bad show where you worked for a long time on it, that must be really tough. You're like, that was a waste of my life. It's always remarkable when it adds up to something better than you thought it would be or that like part of the process that I'm completely hands off. It's like you see the edit and it's like, oh, man, that editing us yeah in a way that like on set you thought this

is oh boy yeah it's in the toilet like this is bad but there's just like pretty early on you can kind of sort out you know it's the type of thing where you like again like it starts i don't know him personally but robert de niro in an interview was like, script, director, co-star, you need two out of three just to have a fighting chance at something being any good. And even then, who knows, right? But if you only have one of those, it's over before it started. And so to get to day one and sort of have questions about a script or to meet the people you're working with and then to think like, uh-oh. Oh, yikes you know or to be like before i signed the contract yeah

how big is the check for this one why is the so he does this thing but then later he comes back and he still has both his hands like where does that do we explain that and they're like that's what we call a specific reference it's like when people aren't worried stuff or, you know, that's where I think you start to sweat a little to be like, this was a bummer. This was a mistake. But also, look, the reality of like being a working actor is also that at some point you're like, I got bills and a certain lifestyle. And like not everybody has the good fortune to like exclusively work with Martin Scorsese. You know what I mean? And like be a multimillionaire.

Yeah. I mean, I think that you also. My constant competition. Leonardo DiCaprio. But High Fidelity was obviously different than this. Yeah. I mean mean the feeling like look also Zoe is an executive producer on it and so she has like

incredible vision and incredible taste and we were just speaking earlier this morning about how a lot of people can point out like what a problem is but not a lot of people can necessarily offer you what the solution is and she was so wonderful you know where you're saying, like,

this, like, doesn't really jive for me. Like, what is happening here in this story or this thing or why are we shooting it this way? And, like, she has the ability as a producer but also just her eye to be like, yeah, we shouldn't shoot it that way. Like, cross-cover this or, like, just shoot it in the wide or, yeah, this scene should come before that one because it makes the movement better.

Like often those discussions are had with actors on set where just two people bitching at each other about like, well, this is all bullshit. You're like totally. All right. Actually, let's have like the person on the other side of that conversation saying like, yes, you're right. We can change that. It's so fulfilling. And then to see, you know, then you get scared that, like, your voice is being heard and action is being taken, and then you're going to see the effect of that, and you're like, ooh, that was bad. I shouldn't have said anything.

They totally knew what they were doing. I overstepped. But instead, you know, I'm just thrilled that, like, the review and the response to it is really positive, and I'm really glad to be part of it. Well, I mean mean when you know when you're doing a reboot you know that there's like some level of success already kind of baked into this thing right it's like yes that the format is a working functioning uh architecture for

something right and then you guys have done it like you just like flip the script like everybody's changed gender or or whatever uh so that it's completely different while yet still kind of maintaining the same framework. I mean like that seems like the ultimate recipe for success to me where it's like we're not going to just redo it. So it's not going to be boring or overdone. But we know that this is going to work because it's kind of worked in the past. I mean it's like a nice safety blanket i guess they've like uh very thoughtfully and intelligently and purposefully recontextualized you know like it's not just being like um we took a male story and put a lady in it but are sort of um reworking that or recontextualizing it for 2020 or 2019 and and saying like um what previously

at least in the iterations of this book and then also the the world itself of being like the record store nerd is like classically a um nerdy white guy very stereotype yeah and so not just like what happens if we put like a cool mixed race young beautiful woman in that role but what does it actually mean to be like uh black and living in brooklyn and have ownership and taste over the type of music you like that that is a different discussion than john cusack in chicago in the, right? Like, it's not just plug and play, but actually, like, massaging and reworking what that means and then elevating that story and giving it life,

which is another part that, like, I didn't have the capacity to, like, articulate while it was being made and then to see it put together and be like oh that's wonderful that's incredible what they've done there like in the moment i would have been like i play the maybe boyfriend yeah yeah right you know just kind of like a dummy along for the ride um but yes it is helpful to be like this has worked yeah this is a cool thing that has worked twice before and if we don't totally botch it, we're starting from a good spot.

Right, right, right. If you had to pick another movie, show, anything, to flip like this, which would you choose? To flip gender-wise or race or... Yeah, in any fashion you want American History X wow what an answer I was going to say 13 going on 30 yours is so much better

yeah yeah wow that's a 10 out of 10 answer there's a book called Babbitt from the 20s that I would like to make into a film, an update to like the 21st century. But it would stay a man.

So maybe that's not. What's Babbitt? It's Sinclair Lewis wrote a book about a guy who is the ultimate like suburban, like staying in line kind of guy and has like two kids and a wife and he runs a real estate business and he like belongs to the club and and uh starts to be like hemmed in and start to sort of like just feel claustrophobic in his own life and so he starts to like cut corners at work and then starts seeing this woman outside of his marriage and starts like going out to these bars at night and hangs out with these artists and starts to be like this is the life i should be living this is the life the one i have is dog shit like why am i oh i'm stuck

with these kids and and then in that life the woman that he's seeing this artist he starts to be like you're full of shit like you're this whole art scene is full of shit like this whole holier-than-thou creative thing is bullshit like oh and goes back to his like suburban life but never actually arrives at like um realization he never gets to a moment where he's like actually i'm ungrateful in my own life and don't know how to accept things. He's just like continually rejecting and refocusing and refocusing. I think that's a pretty easy one to do nowadays. Yeah. It's not like an unworkable.

How do we update Babylon or Los Angeles? It's pretty easily translatable. But it's a story that I don't know. Therapy didn't exist in the 20s. I was going to say, it's a very relatable one. It seems very solvable now with therapy. That's right. It's just a one-hour therapy session.

It's the movie. Hey, man, don't be cheating on your wife. Your ass is always greener. It's not really the thing, dude. I'm very grateful. Oh, all right. So we got to talk about Office Season 9. First of all, I thought you were in it for like four years.

That would have been lovely. It was. I think that's a compliment to you. I think you played a much more memorable role. Thanks, man. He was only in Season 9? Do you think that criticism of Office after Michael Scott leaves is super unfair? Because I do.

Oh, you do? Hugely. I think it's – I think the – I've compared it to – I'm a huge fan of the late seasons. After Michael Scott leaves is super unfair because I do. Oh, you do? Hugely. I think it's – I think the – I've compared it to – I'm a huge fan of the late seasons. And I compare it to the Patriots if Tom Brady left. They're still fucking great. They just lost the greatest of all time. Yes.

Okay. So what I would say is – okay, a couple thoughts. First of all, if Brady leaves the Pats as they stand now, that is not a great team. It's still a great defense. They'll still win the AFC East. They'll still win the AFC East. That was not a great defense. We need to start a great defense. When Ryan Fitzpatrick hangs 28 on you.

They had a bad quarter. It's statistically one of the greatest defenses of all time. It's all coming back. They made their bones early. Yes, early in the season they were playing dogshit teams. That was a great defense. I would say the office Corral leaving, you still have... It's like if Randy Moss was still there

and Edelman's healthy and Bruschi's still... This all-timers team is still in place somehow, even though the years don't match up. And Brady leaves, you're like, those guys could still do something. I think what's difficult is that it would be like if Brady left and then you said like, Gronk, you're going to be QB now. And people are like, just choose. I would love one game of that.

That's a movie. If you're listening, that's, that's, oh my God, imagine that. We got a lot of sponsorships going on right now, dude.

We're going to weed those out. Maybe. You know what I mean? Like, that's the hard part is that you basically have like, when Carell leaves, you have this perfect structural format of a TV show where there's like status and hierarchy and you understand the relationships. And when you remove that cornerstone, when you remove that piece, there's this vacuum and the show, to its credit, does its best with like filling that void multiple times over.

But I feel like the criticism is like individual to characters almost where they're like, this guy stops being funny. Yeah. And you're like, well, okay, but the entire structure of the show changed. So, you know, imagine if you had like a two-story house and then we're like, we're going to take the first story off. And you're like, well, how does that work? And they're like, it's just a patio under it.

It's just a patio. And you're like, this house sucks does that work they're like it's just a patio under just a patio you're like this house sucks now you know what i mean and people are like that second story's bullshit no it's not the second story it's that the entire structure of the thing is completely different than it was so are you saying you do you don't like the office late seasons that you were on i'm saying that like it's difficult to work that into the near perfection that it was for seven years. And then the response is like, this isn't perfect anymore. Right. I'm like, well, yeah, you're right.

This isn't perfect anymore, but it's also still really good. Still, I don't blame the people who in the immediate aftermath were like, ah, I'm kind of out or whatever. Because it is such a shock to see it. But if you go back and watch it, I will go back and watch it on Netflix all the time now. They're hilarious. There are still monsters on that show. Yes, there are.

Andy goes a little off the deep end. It's a little strange. But like most of the people are still very, very talented actors who go on to be incredibly famous and already were in that moment. But they're great, funny people. It's look, as like a a fan i want things to last forever and as soon as they're not the way i want them to last i'm like end it end it here why are you continuing on yeah and um you know you do 22 episodes for nine years it's 180, 196-something episodes. The UK office is maybe the greatest show other than BoJack Horseman, in my opinion, to ever...

I can't do BoJack. Really? I've tried five times. I just can't do it. How deep in did you get? Like two episodes. Oh. Oh, man.

Sure, I'm here to plug High Fidelity, but let's plug BoJack Horseman. It's the most... It so deftly – it so deftly handles like addiction and alcoholism and family trauma and inherited trauma along with like animal puns and Hollywood bullshit in a way that I'm like – it's like once upon a time in Hollywood, I saw that and I was like, I don't know if this is like the best movie ever made, but it's everything I personally would want in a movie. A fucking flamethrower, the Manson murders, a fairytale version of it. Brad Pitt getting fucked up with his dog, like, DiCaprio, like, throwing shit in a trailer and then crying and shading that little girl. Like, everything

I want in a movie is in this movie. And I don't know if it's a masterpiece, but it is for me personally. That's what BoJack is, where I'm like, you put everything I would want into a thing, into a thing. And then I got to watch it. You're fucked up, man. So I got problems.

Everyone I respect, everyone whose TV opinions I listen to always tells me that. And they tell me, like, I personally would love it. So I've tried. And I got to give it a real, real, real try to do, like, a full season. But I kind of just – I've never been a huge cartoon guy either. Bill, cartoon is – that's why I haven't, like, dived into it. But this is a pretty good show. It starts out, like, in a in a fun zany nutso way and then i think

by like the second season they start to dip their toe into like what does it actually look like when you're completely isolated by money and fame and are also like a self-medicating drug addict who has no consequences and is an animated horse. Voiced by Will Arnett. It's like the greatest thing, but they actually start to be like, this is what it looks like. This is what addiction and trauma looks like. And they deal with it in a way that...

I did not know that was what that show was about. I knew it. But people tell me about it all the time. So I had a feeling it got a little something. It's so – Wait. Sorry. Back up.

People going up to you saying this show is great for you is the most disrespectful thing I think I've ever heard. Like have you seen In Treatment? It's just – I don't know. It might strike a chord. Is that a BoJack? Wow. That's fucking funny, man. Now this one, High Fidelity on Hulu, that's coming out week to week, right?

It drops all at once. Oh, it drops all at once? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not how Hulu usually does it, right? No, I think with this we were like the hope is and the vibe at least in my watching it was like I didn't want to wait around. Is that how you usually watch? Do you watch bingeable shows or week to week shows? I have two very little kids, so I don't watch anything. How old are they?

I have a two-year-old and an eight-week-old. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Also, condolences. Yeah, it's a bitch. There's not a lot of like... I was holding one with a bottle and reading sides,

and then there was something else in the background. It's just madness. You don't watch anything at that playoffs. I was actually talking to my friend last night who just had a kid. And we were talking. We were watching the Bruins. And he lives in California. So we were watching the Bruins at the same time, talking about the game. And his new son kept crying.

And I was like, you know what, dude? I'll talk to you in 18 years. He's crying into the phone. I can't hear you. you get out of here so it's tough to maintain friends here Bill Simmons put up like a post on Instagram where like he was at a Celtics game with his kid and he was like those first years suck and now my son and I can like I'll be there in LA but like they're seeing like a Lakers game I guess he's like, and then we went and had the greatest food in Koreatown. And then my son and I talked about, I don't know, Avengers or something. And he was like, it's awesome.

Now I have this built-in best friend. So I feel like that's where it'll be awesome. Yeah, it's hard, hard, hard when they're – I just have a hard time, man. Yeah, I mean, Mine are four and two. I still don't like... Them. What? I'm divorced, so we

have our time with them. And the time that I do have with them, early on, I was like, alright, I'm going to put them to bed and then I'll watch this movie or this series or whatever. And now the nights that I have them, it's like that's I'm doing bedtime and then going to fucking bed. Yeah. There is no and then it's just them, you know.

So I'm looking forward to that, you know, when they can put themselves to bed or or, you know, then you can get back to normal life and do it with them. That's when it becomes. I mean, like you're so you're like a couple of years ahead of me. Right. So like there as far as kids goes, that's like that moment cool so you're like a couple years ahead of me right so like there as far as kids goes it's like that moment where like they start to

be able to communicate like their world to you is the thing that I'm like oh like we're just breaking into that and that is I feel like that's the part I was like waiting for to be able to like participate selfishly

because otherwise in the beginning there's just a blob that takes your time and your money and your effort That's the part I was waiting for, to be able to participate selfishly. Yeah, then they get some personality. Yeah. Because otherwise, in the beginning, it's just a blob that takes your time and your money and your effort. And I feel out of my goddamn thing back. All the time, I'm just like, I'm doing all the stuff I know to do, and it's not working. Do I not have enough tools? Are my tools dog shit? I had incredible paranoia about just like how do they learn just like stuff?

You know? Like do I have to like sit down and have like a lesson every day? Or do they – and everyone told me like just talk to them and like they just kind of pick up on things. And I was like, I don't think that is going to work. And it kind of did. It kind of does. And so far so good. And I don't know if it's from – they also watch like the iPad and YouTube and shit. But the other day my daughter Shay said to me like we were playing Imagination, playing pretend.

She's like, OK, you're the mechanic and I'm going to come with the car and you have the tools to fix it. And I was like, where the fuck did you learn that? I have never talked to you about a mechanic or tools or any of that stuff. Dude, there's a Sesame Street where it's like there's a topic and then like two kids will like role play the event, right? And it's like a librarian and a kid getting a book, and the kid who is getting the book, you know, he doesn't mean anything by it, but they're both like six or whatever, and he goes, you be the librarian, I'll be the guy getting the book.

It's like so intense about like directive that you're like, you don't want to do another take where it's like chill. You know what I mean? Where you're just like, hey, you're the librarian. I'm the guy getting the book. You know, like you said, co-star script director. Like you need, you need them to do it. The other kids like co-star.

The script is a little on the nose to begin with, but this guy. Well, I reread it in the book. That hasn't been done before. Idiot. I don't think my dad started really liking me, like you're talking about sharing worlds. Ever. Until I was 17. And guess what you guys get to look forward to?

He got a sober driver at the Red Sox games. Now you're proving your worth. You come to the game, and guess what? You're the fucking keys, kid. That's when he was Like, all right. Now you're proving your worth. You come to the game, and guess what? You're the fucking keys, kid. That's when he's like, all right. This having a kid thing kind of makes sense. It took a while to pay off, but now I'm a winner. Yeah, but then two years Uber got invented, and he's like, all right. Wish I didn't have a kid.

Two decades into this. Finally. Well, I mean, high fidelity, like I said, is getting high praise. I got that on my list for this I said, is getting high praise. That's on my list for this weekend. That and Mystic Quest. I'm doing nothing this weekend. Mystic Quest.

Raven's Banquet. With Rob McElhaney, who we just had in here, and he was incredible. They do. Apple TV does it cool. They drop three and then go week to week, which I like that. That's a good hybrid, I feel like. The binge is, I feel like, king right now. So dropping them all makes sense. The ultimate drug dealer.

Do you know what I mean? Where they're like, it's not just like the first one's free, that they're like, the first three are free. Go ahead, like just enough to be like, oh, I know who these people are. Like, oh, I understand what the will they, won't they set up is about like what the goal is. And then to be like, no more. You're like, oh, I am $14 now. Yeah, totally then to be like, no more. You're like, oh!

I am full-blown addicted now. Totally. It was like Morning Show. They rolled out three, and I was like, I'm not going to watch this. Then watched the first one, and was like, I'm not going back. My wife put the second one on, and I was like, I'll check it out. Seriously. By the end of three, I was like, let's get Apple!

Do it! Do it! So as a Morning Show is uh i thought it was kind of interesting that steve carell took that role because i mean obviously we're acting and none of this is real but you know i know some people now we were having conversations like when i close my eyes and think of steve carell now i think of like that scene and i think of that person and that type of person and it's like like just an interesting, I guess, risk. I don't want to be called a risk because he's so established or whatever, but it's funny to go from the ultimate goofy guy, and then he's slowly the Foxcatcher movie or whatever.

Now this one's like the full end of the spectrum. It's pretty wild. I like that he's got, I mean, I guess would hope for the same, like to wind up in a position where you have enough cred in this industry and also like money to be like, I can take this job. And like, it's not, I don't know, first of all, that people aren't like, is Steve Carillo a player? Is this real?

Does that really happen? No, but when you think about, you know. But also you can choose a thing. Rating, reputation, Q rating, all that kind of shit, you know, it matters. Also, my understanding is that Apple paid. You know what I mean? The blankest checkbook

you've ever seen. That cast alone is jillions of dollars. Yeah. That's like you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be the ones to do like the Weinstein story and be like, we paid him $100 million.

They're like, all right, all right, I'll tell the story. I'll be the most disgusting person ever. I mean, they're kind of doing it on curb right now with Jeff. He looks like Harvey. So he goes to parties and he's like, you piece of shit. I'm not that guy. Larry's in the bathrobe and he's got the MAGA hat. And Jeff's there and the assistant comes in and she's like, and you hang out with this guy?

And he's like, I'm not. I'm not him. That's hilarious. That's great. All right, man. So High Fidelity this weekend. Hulu. Check it out.

Jake Lacey, thanks so much, man. Dude, thanks for having me. Thank you very much. Thank you. Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dreams.

Make believe I'm everywhere. Give it in the light Written on the pages is The answer to a never-ending story I Reach the stars My fantasy Reach the stars Lie a fantasy Dream a dream And what you see will be

Blood like heat, there are secrets here I'm cold behind my clouds And there upon a rainbow is the answer to our never ending story ah ah

story ah ah ah