KFC Radio - UNC Has Officially Killed Coach K and Duke Fans Everywhere Ft. Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

- KFC and Feits visited Chris Distefano's house and threw up Subway tuna sandwich all on his patio - Zack is down BAD after the Duke loss against UNC / there is no reason to be a Duke fan anymore / goodbye Coach K - Pavs has a vendetta against the women's Southern Carolina basketball team - Feits' frat stories - KFC tried to do the right thing by taking his car into the shop and is now fighting Hyundai, Geico, DMV, and Enterprise - Top 5 times you got in trouble - Video Voicemails - Tom Segura Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Feits threw up on Chrissy D's porch 22:49 - Duke loss/ridiculing Zack 30:56 - Bball team manager Pavs and Frat-boy Feits 43:24 - KFC has more car troubles 56:41 - Top 5 Times You Got In Trouble 1:36:40 - Video Voicemails 2:00:46- Tom Segura Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Betterhelp: Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Helix Sleep: Go to https://barstool.link/HelixKFC for $200 off and two free pillows. Hellofresh: Go to https://barstool.link/HFKFC and use code KFC16 for up to 16 free meals AND 3 free gifts Ikon Pass: Score the best prices on winter 22/23 and get all the early season goods at https://barstool.link/IkonpassBSS MVMT: Join the MVMT and get 15% off today by going to https://barstool.link/MvmtKFC Schick: Get 20% off men’s individual items on https://barstool.link/SchickBSS with code BARSTOOLYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. He was like silent, and then he would just go, Not good. Not good. tickets are available right now summertime shy ah my least favorite phrase on the planet Earth. Chicago better prove it! This better be the greatest summer scene I've

ever seen in my life. I've never been to Chicago in the summer. Well, there was that one time, but I was unconscious for most of it. That doesn't count. I didn't get to experience summertime shot. I experienced the evening of Chicago and early morning, but I never really,

I was not conscious during the day. But so I'm excited to see the beaches. I'm excited to see how, how unbelievable Chicago is. I've heard nothing but that. I want to go to the garages for 10 years. I want to go to the garages in Chicago. Cause you guys invented the garage.

You got to go to the garages in Chicago because you guys invented the garage. You got a garage and everything? Go to get our tickets now. We have June 18th in Chicago at Park West Theater. We've got the month before that, we're in Philly, May 19th at the Fillmore, and we'll be in Nashville next week for the Nashville Comedy Festival. So the early first half of the KFC Radio Spring and Summer Tour,

KFC Radio Live is on sale. Check out our social media page or click the link in our bio for tickets available. Get them now. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. I am sitting here next to what I would describe as like the corpse or the body of John Henry Feidelberg. Why? Fresh off of his week of rebirth, if you will, like a phoenix.

When was my week of rebirth? When you shaved. Oh, right. Like a phoenix rising from Arizona. You became a handsome guy again. Everybody was riding your dick. Everybody was saying how good looking you were. Yeah, it got a little...

It turned a corner to the point where it seemed... Patronizing? It started being insulting. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Fucking... Because even if it is genuine, even if they're not over the top fucking with you, if they're being genuine, that just means that they all thought you were really ugly for the last like two years yeah right and and so one

one in particular that happened was i got a a dm from shane gillis uh someone had posted this is amazing someone had posted a video of me um shaved and and shane sent me the video and said handsome and I just replied fat asshole and I was referring to myself I was like fat asshole that's the tone I would say fat asshole I'm brushing off a compliment because I have

deep seated traumas that do not allow me to accept a compliment so I was like he's a fat asshole. And then Shane replied, goddamn, dude, I meant it. Ha ha. And I went, ha ha ha. To be clear, I was calling myself a fat asshole.

Shane said, for sure thought that was at me. And I was genuinely like, damn, fights is mean. And I said, bro, that would have been an insane response. As soon as he was explaining the story to me, I was like, oh, I can see where this is going. Because it does read that way. It does appear that way.

I get it. And knowing that Shane is a guy who is like, you know, he said before, he reads all the feedback and all the tweets and stuff. Like, you know, he can be sensitive to some of the comments. I think that a fellow blogger, podcaster was like, fat asshole. That would be so mean.

That would be nuts. That would be so mean. Someone would say, hey, you're handsome. And I would shut up, you fat asshole. That's like when they talk about like Dexter and they're like you're a psychopath because you don't have like the emotions that would be a psychopath fat asshole

but after all this love and everybody thinking you're some you know hot shot you have you flew too close to the sun on wings made of subway tuna fish Feidelberg this morning. 10.30 a.m.

10.30 a.m. shows up. I think they open at like 10.30. That was like fresh. Tells me he had a foot long tuna sub with extra mayo. This was on the way to Chrissy D's house. We just came back from Staten Island where we did Chrissy Chaos for the first time. Shout out to Chris. Big fan of the yak.

Feidelberg had a belly full of fake tuna, which we know. Remember, that was a thing last year. The Subway had to admit. That's when I started eating it. Which is so not only perfect, but wow, what an asshole Feidelberg is. It intrigued me. That was the greatest marketing they could have ever had. I was like, whoa.

I gotta try out this synthetic fish. That's not tuna fish. And I eat it, and every time I eat it, I'm like, that's gotta be tuna fish. It tastes a lot like tuna fish, but it's not tuna fish. If that's not the definition of like, of

what's the word for it? Just, like, deep, fucked up behavior. Why? Because I started eating tuna? Because you started eating tuna specifically because the world found out that it was not tuna and it was bad and it was gross. This is my first time having a negative experience with it now they probably there should be a disclaimer on the door at subway how many times oh i've had many a time i get it every every time i get subway i get tuna

which is i don't get subway crazy often but fresh you can sponsor the podcast right now he'll eat the tuna fish and i'll make fun of him for that. I actually know I'm actually out because of this rebranding they did of the sauces. You see that? Ever since fucking Steph Curry. I know this has nothing to do with him because he's just a spokesman, but I now associate Steph Curry with the switch. They got rid of Chipotle.

Southwest Chipotle. That is like the best sauce they've ever had. I never used many of their sauces. Oh, man. I used to get turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and Chipotle Southwest. And it's kind of just like a spicy Chipotle mayo, which is not earth shattering. But theirs was like the perfect blend. And now they overhauled all of their condiments, and it's gone.

And so now I'm out because I either used to get the Italian BMT with extra oil and vinegar and pickles and the sweet peppers. I can still get that, but I used to also get that bacon, that turkey bacon, but I needed the Chipotle. But Subway, you can come through and sponsor Eat Fresh, baby. We will do it up for you. But so you go at 10.30. I said if I worked at Subway and someone came in at 10.30 a.m.

and said, let me get a long tune, I would say no. They should have. I would say, I'm saving you from yourself. They should have a silent alarm. Yeah. They should trip the silent alarm if someone comes in off the street at 10.30 in the morning and orders a fucking tune of 50. Somebody should come in and slap you.

It should be a silent alarm. You ever see like that when they bank their videos like someone trying to rob a jewelry store and they can't get out because they lock everything

and it's just me trying to get out of something. Let me out of here. Got a sandwich sandwich in your hand. Let me out. It was a mistake.

It's come back to bite me. I've already vomited once. I've been nauseous for, oh, boy. Hours. I got to do the math on this real quick. 10.30. I picked him up a little after 11.

We drive out to Staten Island. Four and a half hours? Drive out to Staten Island. It's like a 30, 40-minute trip out to see Chris. We're doing the podcast. I noticed a couple times that he did his yawn and i was like oh he's tired but then i could see you're like a little uncomfortable but for the most part you really hit it well but then we started talking

about the uh dentist of san jupair there's a dentist in in New Delhi, India who sits on the side of the road. Chris pulls up the video and on the side of the road he just has his equipment laid out and he has dentures and fake teeth and fights started looking at the video. They have a TV up

on our show and fights takes a look at the flies flying around, landing on the teeth. I told everyone. I want to be very clear. I warned everyone. I told everyone what was going to happen.

I was like, if you make me watch this video, I'm going to puke. Everyone was like. And I double. When I heard it, I'm like, he's going to. This is not a bit. This is not a joke. He's got a soft stomach. He's going to.

And we kept showing it. And Vidalborg puked all over the back patio next to Chrissy D's nice pool. Yep. Oh, my God. He's going in. Oh, my God. You get the. I mean, it's unbelievable.

He's literally throwing up. I apologize to the Puerto Ricans. This is just unbelievable. And then Chrissy told Jasmine. I wouldn't have told the lady of the house. I would have preferred to keep that one between us. When we walked in and I saw Jasmine with the baby in her lap, I was like, fuck.

I was thinking, we're all going to get in trouble. I was thinking, I'm not going to say anything because I don't want Chris to get in trouble. And Chris goes, Feinberg puked right there, right there on the patio, and she's like, she was cool about it, but you could tell, she was like, well, I mean, I hope you cleaned it up, like laughing, but I bet she was like, I hope you cleaned it up.

I'm not the fucking sloppy white boy. And I, uh, so, so Fights eats the sandwich, throws up at Chris's place, rips a cig outside. We're standing outside his house ripping a cig because he's too sick from eating

fake Subway tuna fish. We drive back into the city. I was trying to suppress it. Honestly, I think it would work. It's literally just from Always Sunny when Mac is like, smoke cigarettes. It'll keep down the poison in the apple or whatever it was. And it's literally just from Always Sunny. When Mac is like, smoke cigarettes. Smoke.

It'll keep down the poison in the apple or whatever it was. I was like, that logic applies here. So I'll just do that too. Smokes the one cig, gets back to New York. He's looking for some food. He's like, should I get some food from this? Should I get a slice from this pizza place? It was a terrible spot.

I was like, no, that's not good. Don't do that. Let's get five guys. Yeah. So then we were five guys. I'm just trying to settle my... I've been on a four-hour quest to settle my stomach. Don't do that. Let's get Five Guys. Yeah. So then we were- I'm just trying to settle my- I've been on a four-hour quest to settle my stomach. He smokes another cig

before eating a double cheeseburger from Five Guys, which looks like he tried to fuck me, to be honest. That's perfect. This is perfect. This is some dirtball behavior. Standing outside of Chris's house on Staten Island smoking because you're too fucking nauseous for eating a Subway

tuna sandwich. Dude. I can't even say it because it's so disgusting. I might as well just punch it. Yeah. And then that was it. You are a wreck of a human right now. I'm a garbage person.

I know. You are a garbage disposal for sure. And wait, there was something else you told me today that I was like, you're disgusting. On Chris' show, what was it? I don't remember anything I said. When you were sitting down, I was like, don't ever act like you're above me again. Fuck, what was it? It was like a hygiene thing.

I remember being like, don't ever. Oh, I get earwax. I get earwax. No. Yeah, it was earwax. It was above my iP ever. Oh, I get earwax. I get earwax. No. Yeah, it was earwax. It was by my iPods. Oh, yeah. When Feidelberg takes his AirPods out, they're caked with earwax.

Not caked. Occasionally, there's some earwax in the headphone. That's not crazy. That's disgusting is what it is. You've had it. You've never had any earwax on a headphone before? No. Not me.

Every time. Every time. I mean, that's... You've never had any earwax on a headphone before? No. Not me. Every time. Every time. Beth. I mean Beth. I. Yo. Every time. Beth is so perfect for those moments.

It's like a scripted young dumb white guy. Do you ever blow your nose in the shower? Exclusively. Do you ever get earwax in your headphones? Every time. The answers are always perfect. The other day when the Grom news was breaking, Jack and I thought he had a death in the family.

Sure. Well, we did. We did. It was like having a death in the family. Because at first it was like, oh, is this happening? Then he's like. And I was like. His reactions are perfect.

I'm like, are you a guy? Every time. Did you get earwax? Not really. No. I mean, you got to have a lot of earwax. Yeah. Well, you guys are really. No, that's... I mean, you gotta have a lot of earwax. Yeah. Well, you guys are animals.

Like, to me... I don't think that's crazy at all. It is. It is. I mean, again, you're really caked in earwax. It's not caked, but occasionally there's some earwax in my head bump. And I have to peel it. I have to fucking use a key to scoop it out.

Oh! My God! Bridge too far? Did I out. Oh! My God. Bridge too far? Did I go? Oh, my God. You animal. I had you guys with me the whole way, too. I could have just shut the fuck up

and we had split 50-50, but I had to do it. And then what do you do? Do you blow it off or something? I just fucking wipe it. Wipe it on your shirt? Just eat it in my mouth. You know, whatever.

You are an absolute disgusting animal. It is, dude. It sucks. Being an animal? I mean, I love it. Being a fucking dumpster diving vagrant? I really, like, I have. I want to be very clear about something.

I have the ability to be a better man. Yeah, no, you could. I don't have any interest in it. You just choose not to. You choose not to. Yeah. So, like, I clearly enjoy this life I lead. That's why he likes the beard.

That's why he likes dressing like the way he dresses sometimes. That's why he lives the way he lives. It's like, I want to be this. I want you to know what I'm doing is I am just accurately advertising myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I am just accurately advertising myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I am. Nobody's ever – well, I was about to say nobody's ever going to be surprised by what they get with you. Right.

But you got a compliment this weekend that was maybe one of the meanest things I've ever heard. Bro, what was that? Well, this is – I forgot what you were talking about. We have talked a lot about how when we meet people in person, that they kind of forget their manners immediately and say things like, I don't know why everybody hates you. I like you.

It's like, hmm. I don't know why the comment section always says horrible things about you. I don't. Hmm. Well, I like, you know, I really listen to KFC radio for Feidelberg, but you're pretty good too. All these things. What?

Yeah. You know, all these things that are just like, well, you didn't really need to say it that way. But this one, you're the only person I've ever met in real life that's shorter. Skinnier. On camera. It was. This was Friday night.

Shorter is. No, taller. Okay. Yeah. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. Taller. This was Friday night No taller It's taller and skinnier on camera Meaning I looked at you and I thought You're short and fat This was Friday night I was going to have a low key weekend Friday night I was just like

I was doing laundry I was on my second load of laundry Folding clothes watching Women's college basketball Nothing against it but I was like like, this is not the way you spend Friday nights. Like, folding laundry and watching UConn versus Louisville. No, Louisville USC. Folding laundry and watching women's basketball is the way of like a spinster cat lady lesbian.

Yeah, right. That's what she wore. She wore Friday night. It was an old, lonely lesbian. And I said, you know what? I got to get together. I got to do something. I'm in New York City, greatest city in the world.

Why don't you go do something? So I texted Nick Tarani, and I was like, what are you up to? He said to come down to Stone Street, met up with him, and his buddy Ken Jack was there. And we're having fun, having a couple beers. And this kid comes up to me. By the way, the second part, I didn't even include in the tweet, comes up to me

and says, hey, I just wanted you to know. Like, he had to tell me. There was a gun to his head. His family was kidnapped. He was like, hey, I just had to tell you, you are the only person I've ever seen who is taller and skinnier on camera.

And I was like, that is a fucking insane thing to say. That's like saying fat ass. And then his buddy comes over and he goes, hey, fuck your ears real quick, Nick, you're the funniest guy at Barstool. And that was it. That was

the entire interaction with these two people. I was like, I'm going home to fucking full laundry and watch. Catch the Yukon second half. Get the fuck out of here. This sucks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is fucking hilarious.

I was at a wedding. I was at my sister's wedding this weekend. And it was like a later wedding because it was a quick. Oh, by the way, sorry to interrupt you. That kid quote tweeted me when I tweeted it. And he said, learn how to take a compliment. Jeez. Learn how to give a compliment, asshole.

I don't understand how that would possibly be complimentary. Don't get me wrong. I don't give a shit. It's funny for content. I'm not actually offended or it didn't affect me. But it's just definitively not a compliment. No, yeah. That to me is like the worst delivery of a compliment I've ever heard in my entire life.

You're taller and skinnier on camera? In fake world? But in front of your eyes? I'm short? What are you talking about? How is that a compliment to me? On the edited screens, you look better. But here,

it's really, it's quite grotesque if we're being honest here. I had a plate of trash in front of me. It wasn't even mine. Just sat down at the table where there was just like a bunch of fucking wings that someone else had eaten. Just gnarled and gnawed bones.

Like, hey, you fucking fat troll, you look like it. But again, so yeah, I mean, can you even blame him? At that point, it's like yes, you're bad at giving compliments, but boy, he probably could have been a lot meaner. Probably could have said a lot more. I had my sister's wedding this weekend,

and I was tearing it up on the dance floor. Yeah? And yeah, Keegan had these dance moves. I don't know where he just kept going. We were like... I guess we were at the run-through for the actual ceremony, and he just kept going.

Where's the dance party? Where's the dance party? Because I got these moves. Dude was tearing it up. Dude, I forget how old Keegan is. I don't even think... I wouldn't even think that he could form sentences. Well, no.

Keegan was two for four years. Keegan came out of the womb two, and now he's four, but he's still two. I don't know how it is. I don't know how it works. He was stuck in a time warp. So he was tearing up. He also got his first taste of booze this weekend. Oh.

Yeah. Because we- Well, those kind of parties. Huh? Hell yeah. Because there was, at the cocktail hour and pre-everything, not even the cocktail hour, but they were setting up for the cocktail hour. They had like wine glasses everywhere.

They didn't really have like cups, like glasses, like water glasses or anything. So everyone was drinking water out of wine glasses. So at one point he was getting fussy and he was kind of like hot. I think he had like, like fell and hurt himself for a second and was like and mary my our nanny was like here like have some water and he takes a sip and i actually saw it the last second because i see it was champagne and took a sip and he just went it's not water it was so great but then uh hopped on the dance floor and was tearing it up and then passed out. Like, full pass out in the middle of the wedding.

Like, sleeping on two chairs as, like, techno music was absolutely blasting. But was tearing up the dance floor. Today's episode is brought to you by Icon Pass. It all starts now. It's the end of the ski season in certain... You can still ski right now? You can still ski right now. Like in certain...

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You're probably going to go skiing at one point next year. Right. Get an icon pass now. And you can go skiing whenever you want. Yeah. And imagine if you're a family too. You got kids. Like, just do this.

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Nick had to pee in the middle of it. Just like, all right, fucking bodily functions everywhere. I don't think the pee is crazy. No, but it's funny when you couple it with the piss, with the puke. It was funny that we weren't in a building. That's what I mean. Plenty of guests come and they're like, I'm going to use the bathroom. But you have to walk through the living room where his baby is bouncing.

And next to the puke that Feidelberg just let rip. Where's T.T. Jerry? I have to ask her where the bathroom is. Yeah, we met the legend T.T. Jerry, met Jasmine, part of the whole crew. So you can catch us on, actually it's out today, so after you finish up with this, you can go watch us on Christy Chaos.

Just trying to think if anything else happened this weekend involving the crew. I don't know. Anything happened to Paz now? I'm just trying to think if anything else happened this weekend involving the crew. Pat, is there anything happening with Pat? No. Oh, that's right. Zach's life ended. That's right.

Zach's life came to an end. He has really no reason. You sold me on that. You had me hook, line, and sinker. I was like, oh, yeah. Give me the Academy Award. I mean, no, but, like, there's no reason to be a Duke fan anymore. You know?

There's just no reason to do it. I didn't see this. This is fucked. And you know what my favorite part was? Just good officiating down the stretch to end it. You know what I mean? The refs made the right calls. Everybody played hard.

And it was a good back-and-forth game that, you know, just evened the score at a final 50 wins, 50 losses for Coach K against Carolina. And there's nothing that Duke can ever do to undo it or to change it or to fix it. You'll maybe beat Carolina again. Maybe. Who knows?

At this point, Carolina might beat you forever. You'll maybe beat them again. You'll maybe meet them in the tournament again. Probably not, since this was only the first time it happened. But maybe you'll see them in the tournament. Maybe you'll even see them in the Final Four. But never again with Coach K. Never again with a shot at redemption for Carolina beating you

for Coach K's last game in Cameron Indoor. None of that will ever materialize ever again. It was a once-in-an-eternity situation. It's a once-in-an-eternity situation. And I just want to shout out Eric Church, who just had himself a wonderful time. And I hope that he in the middle, not the middle, but at the end of this game, as Coach K and all of the Duke players were walking off like bitter, petty little bitches who wouldn't shake hands. Dude, his wife didn't even want to hug him.

That's how embarrassed she was. She was like, you are nothing to me. Go back. That's not even a hug. That's like, I'll lean in and let you touch me, but I'm not embracing you. But like, you lost to Carolina. Because you brought shame to hug him. That's how embarrassed she was. She was like, you are nothing to me. Go back. That's not even a hug. That's like a, I'll lean in and let you touch me, but I'm not embracing you. But like, you lost to Carolina.

Because you brought shame to the family. Yeah, like you have to change your name. No hug. No nothing. Look at that. Arms down at the side. You can hug me if you want.

You can, I'll give you a little comfort. You can take some comfort from me, but I will be giving you one. That's Melania and Trump. You're a shame to the Krzyzewski household. Change your name. Did you whack his hand away too? Get away from me, but I will be giving you one. That's Melania and Trump. You are a shame to the Krzyzewski household. Look at the cheese. Did you whack his hand away, too?

Get away from me, you fucking old loser. She just knows he's going to be dead in like three weeks anyway. Yeah, this is for sure. Like Paterno style. He doesn't have coaching basketball. He's going to murder somebody or die himself. I hope that Eric Church just put up a post on Instagram to everybody who complained about me canceling

my show. Suck my dick! Which, by the way, he ended up planning a second thing for them. He said, I'll provide a very different kind of show for you guys. Well, it's free for the people who bought it already. Yeah. But in a different city, though. So it's kind of like, well, the whole point

was we planned this one weekend And we traveled and all this shit Weird I don't know if I'd go to a free concert Outside of I'm okay I'll buy a ticket to the one in my town He made the right call

Because he and everyone in Carolina Got to witness A short of a championship But even still I think this a short of a championship. But even still, I think this is better than a championship. The best college basketball win you could ever have. It's absolutely better than a championship. I mean, like, I think, you know.

They should finish it off strong. You have to. And I hope. Well, I don't think you have to. No, you have to. It's her place. You have to to get, like, the full maximum. But you don't have to. But, no, because it is. I's Herb Brooks. You have to to get the full maximum, but you don't have to. But no, because I do think that seasons go forgotten if you don't.

Like Herb Brooks said, that was the most true thing. He gave, obviously, that big rally before the Russia game. Yeah. They had to win the gold medal. The only speech before the gold medal game against Sweden, I believe it was. Yeah, it is. The only thing he said was, if you lose this game, you'll take it to your fucking graves. Yeah.

And then he walked out the door, and he stopped at the door and looked back and went, your fucking graves. And then... And now, but you know what? So, we know what happened there, right? We know what happened in the World Series in 2004, Rockies, Red Sox. Yeah. Four games, they didn't stand a chance.

No, all four was Cardinals. Cardinals. They didn't stand a fucking chance, man. Just like steamrolled, see you later. We're taking this one home because we have to. Same thing with the Mets in 86 with game six. It's like game seven's theirs. They're winning it.

And there are just certain times where you usually go on to win it. So I'm imagining Carolina's going to win. But even still, this is a little bit rare circumstances where the rivalry means so much. I was listening to these three Duke guys. Oh, it was great. Zach actually tweeted and put it on my timeline. It was like three super

fans who did like a stream yard live faces, whatever it was afterwards. And they were being so honest. It was amazing. They were just like, this is the worst. They said, like, since Coach K announced his retirement tour, this unfolded in the worst way imaginable. And they were, it was like three Duke haters wrote the script. They were so honest about how bad it was.

They were saying, one guy said he wishes they didn't make the tournament. The whole tournament? Yeah. One guy goes, he goes, I mean, would you rather not make the tournament? Because I think this is worse. And the other, one guy was like, well, no, no, that's worse. But he was saying he would have rather lost in the Elite Eight

and not, you know, you lose to Arkansas and nobody really cares. I think this did put Coach K in the sole possession, sole lead for most Final Four appearances. But even that, like, no one really... I couldn't tell you who just passed. Yeah, it's like...

Yeah, and if your last one... I would guess John Wooden, but... If your last one is, you know, morbidly depressing, you really can't. And then you have that weird... Did you see that weird handshake that he gave the one kid? Dude, everything he does is weird. That dude's a fucking...

That dude is the fucking. The child catcher in retirement. Yes. He's the chicken bang man. Coach K looks exactly like the child catcher. Yeah, if you gave him long hair with the fucking. He's got the nose. Yeah.

He also. How many final fours? How many? 13. And how many tournament wins? A hundred and. 101.? And how many tournament wins? 101. He was going for 101. He won 101 tournament games?

Yeah, which is the same. That is the same number of cats that he's put in a microwave. That dude did things to cats and children when he was a kid. Look at this. This is so weird. What is that? And then watch with the left-handed handshake. Rubs the belly. Dude, that is so weird. What is that? And then watch with the left-handed handshake. Rubs the belly.

Dude, that is fucking weird. John, stand up. Tell me this is not one of the most awkward things that you could feel. Well, you flipped it onto me now. See, that was weird though, right? You're like, ew. And it was terrible for me when I got to your belly button. Belly button.

Weird. Hey, let me do a couple push-ups. I'll get this little sweat going. Yeah, that guy's probably all sweaty and shit too, yeah. At least he had the jersey on, but Jesus, why does he do that? And the answer is because he's like a psychopathic freak who doesn't know how to behave. And the only thing he knows how to do is scream and yell on a basketball court.

And now that he can't do that, he's probably going to pass away. And you know what? He probably should because there's nothing good for him left on this planet Earth because Carolina beat him in the Final Four on his final game after just mere weeks ago beating him in his final game in Cameron Indoor. When he did not allow his students to have a senior night because he wanted the whole night for himself. Unbelievable.

It is amazing. What do you mean not true? Did they have a senior night? Nah, that's not what I heard. That's not what I heard either. And what we heard is the truth. I've done a lot of research on this. I'm definitely not just firing off the cops

They certainly didn't have a senior night We know for a fact Yeah let's just keep it rolling Because Jackie actually I couldn't believe she knew the famous Like the old school joke We were talking about this in Boston Because oh we walked by the South Carolina game

They were the ones who were up like 52-8 on Howard right They just blow teams out mercilessly. They just blow teams out. Murdered them. So we saw that game and I like ran over to the screen and took a picture of it and everything and I was like oh my god. And Jackie, we were both kind of just like that. It's just like despicable. It's demoralizing.

But I was like, nobody really cares about the women's teams anyway. And Jackie was like, yeah, what was that old joke? Would you rather find a dollar on the ground or have your wnba team win a championship and like everyone's like getting the dollar yeah i think it was five i think it was fine but like but now it's college usc was going off last night yeah well i mean that's gonna be that's gonna be my old man thing like a lot of times, I think I've asked this question before. There are things that your grandparents used to say or do

that at the time was completely okay and now is viewed as horribly insensitive. My old man thing is going to be like, in my day, we didn't give a fuck about women's basketball. I don't want to see no celebrating in the streets because South Carolina won a fucking women's championship. I don't want to see no celebrating in the streets because South Carolina won a fucking women's championship. We don't care. I saw one time, I want to say it was D. Wade or Kyrie

or something like that, said something to the effect of, the only people who don't like women's basketball are people who can't hoop. And I was like, uh-oh. That makes sense. The people who don't like. Yeah. Like, if you like, I think you were saying something similar on Chris's podcast.

But, like, the fundamentals are, like, it is good basketball. Right. They move the ball. They ball handle. They can shoot. I think that's the gist of whoever said it was saying. But it's almost like, you know, when people are like, oh, you know,

the NBA is just like dunks and three-pointers. Like, yeah, that's the fucking exciting shit. You know what I mean? I don't really want to watch like a well-executed pick and roll with a layup at the end. You know, that's not cool. So, you were the manager for the men's team? I was the manager for the men's team for like two weeks, three weeks.

And then I quit. Let's go through that because that's a loser move, right? I had to wear khakis and a tucked in shirt with a belt. Yeah, that's loser shit. Was that just like you wanted to be around the sports program? I wanted to be a basketball coach. My dad was a basketball coach his whole life. So that was always like my plan before this whole thing. This was before I was editing, before I ever did anything like this.

And my dad was like, why don't you be the manager? And so I got in. Lasted three weeks. Somebody one time was like, go get me a water bottle. And then I just quit. Atta boy! What did you think being a manager entailed? I thought that I was going to be like on the court practicing with him

because I played two years of college basketball at the lowest level possible. But I still played. Still have like a coin where it says I play college basketball. But I thought I was going to like go. So I actually got into one of the practices and I've been so nervous. And they. Because South Carolina is like a big fucking school. It's by far the smallest, whitest guy in the court.

And I feel like a backdoor pass. And I just fucked it up so bad. And ever since then, they just didn't let me back off the court. I was so nervous. What I mean that my point being, though, like, South Carolina, like, if you went somewhere else, you probably would have been one of those guys. If you were, like, team manager at, like, Fordham, you probably would have been, like,

better than half the team. You know what I mean? So you're, like, playing with the big dogs, so they probably were just, like, I just couldn't get the towel in the locker room, right? I was getting congratulations last night on the women's basketball win, and I was just like, I would rather have a spring season football win against Appalachian State.

But why? That's because you have a spiteful win against South Carolina women's basketball because one or two times I walked through their practice. Meaning like you were in the gym or that you walked through it? No, I'm in the gym like 150 feet away from where they're practicing right i just get screamed at like get out of our practice right now i'm like yeah like we like that's a funny thought to think of like some fucking big college basketball chick be like get the fuck out of here pussy now it was the players yelling at you not no it was the coaches

oh i was the players do you think you're doing, little boy? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, man. I mean, I guess the coaches are just like the players 30 years later. Fuck you. Get the fuck out of the gym, pussy. That's a great

visual of a khaki tucked in. And did you start a light jog afterwards? Oh, no. I sprinted out. Another great Pabst answer. Oh, no, sprinted. I sprinted out as fast as humanly possible. Then the next day I got bullied for the water bottle.

I'm like, this is not for me. Bro, you were an adult man who sprinted out of a gym because someone 100 feet away yelled at you? Oh, yeah. It's crazy, Tom. And then I've just been hating from can see like a like a man is the fake like 18 years old yeah but i mean that's in the eyes of the law you're you're getting tried as an adult yeah you're gonna try this adult and and guess what we fucking stick to the genie

convention here uh which is definitely where that was started and so we are if you were 18 you are an adult and I don't think I can look at you the same and watch after picturing you in a fucking white button down tucked into your khakis

sprinting cause Don Staley yelled at you and you know it was like a scurry it was like a I've been waiting for this moment ever since it happened

I do like though the like my main thing with fraternities and all that shit it wasn't even an option at Fordham but I waiting for this moment ever since it happened. I do like though the like my main thing with fraternities and all that shit. It wasn't even an option at Fordham, but I just don't think I could do like the service shit. Yo, go get me that. I'm like, no, you get that yourself.

That was the sole reason I leave. I'm such a pussy. I had no problem with that. So much. I never, when I was in a frat, I never had to do any of that stuff. But the one thing we did do was, like, I mean, I guess you have to carry beers in. And, like, if someone wanted a beer, you give them a beer. But, like, I don't know.

I don't mind. If someone was like, hey, grab me a beer. I don't mind that. But whenever I know. If they're, like, a dickhead about it. Hey, would you mind grabbing a beer? No, of course. That's just, like, hey, would you mind grabbing a beer? No, of course. That's just like being like friends. When it was like,

you know, I know that the beers are like, you know, in another house that you have to like leave and go get. We did it on purpose

to like piss you off sort of thing. And I'm like, go fuck yourself. You know what I mean? Oh, we also did the sober driver. Which I had no problem

doing that either because like that, like every night. Somebody drove sober. There were like, at least, you know, on the weekends there would be more. That's just smart drove us over there were like at least you know on the weekends there would be more

that's just smart yeah they were like I mean the fraternity I was in was very big I want to say like 200 people in it Jesus Christ in one house?

not everyone lived in the house I never lived in the house not everyone lived in the house but it's Caleb's gone to it it's a humongous house it was

when I was there I don't know fraternity's been built since then, but when I was there, it was the largest fraternity under one roof in America. God damn. And the... So, like, every night, it's Florida State,

so people drink every night. There would be at least some sober drivers on duty, and then on the weekends, there'd be obviously a lot more. But I was like, I have no problem doing this either, because it's an investment into the future. That's the normal shit. It's the other stuff that's like, you know, I need you to drive

to Philly right now to get me a cheesesteak, just because I'm an asshole and I can do that. Yeah, that's crazy. And then it's like, I need you to bend over so I can put this mustard bottle up your ass. I'm gonna pass. No, legitimately, if you're ever one of those people who let that happen to you, you're a tremendous pussy.

You're like an enormous pussy who has, like, severe issues. There were ones that, like, I never experienced it. And so it's also, like, hearing it, like, secondhand. But, like, I think it was one of the frats at FSU.

Like, everyone had to puke on each other or something like that like if you sit there and you're like well I gotta have friends though go ahead like puke in my mouth

guess what you don't deserve friends it was dude there was another one again like these are all like you know I feel like a lot of fraternity stuff

ends up being like almost folklore where it's like it kind of like through telephone it becomes crazier than it ever was yeah but like there was one fraternity stuff ends up being like almost folklore where it's like, it kind of like it'd be through, through telephone. It becomes crazier than it ever was. Yeah.

Yeah. But like there was one, I remember where it was like, they had to put like basically pails on their head and then just stand in the, in their underwear and just get like fucking golf balls hit at them. And I, like that sounds,

I really don't know who's worse. The people who are like the sick fucks Who like think that They want to do that Or like the guys who agree to it Because you're all assholes You're all fucking losers Did I tell the story on the podcast? Yeah

About the dog? Was that on the podcast? Or was that like the live show? I told it somewhere Yeah you told it somewhere What's the dog? It was on the podcast When the dude accidentally killed the dog?

That story I'll just tell it quick then The most fucked up thing was this complete accident which was, I think I've told that podcast before, maybe I haven't, maybe I haven't. The dude was just practicing his golf swing and a dog

ran under it and he fucking hit the dog in the head and the fucking dog died. And I was not there for it. I did not witness it. It actually might have even been a year before I got to the school. I fucking dog died and i was not there for it i did not witness it i it actually might even been a year before i got to the school i don't know if i was thinking of the sound dude i would rather that be my dog than i'd be the one that was falling back off yeah because that is me then hit me in the head that is like you like you again i i didn't witness it, so all I've heard was secondhand. But everyone involved seemed to be like, it was a freak accident.

It wasn't, we feel awful for him, it sucks, but that's what happened. That was just, who even swings that hard when you're just practicing golf? I guess, like, it comes down. He must have been swinging for real, no? Comes down. Like an actual swing? It must have been an actual real, no? Comes down. Like an actual swing? It must have been an actual swing, but I don't think he was hitting a ball. Just like a nine-iron to the head.

Fuck, that sucks. That's the worst thing that ever happened to me. Yeah. Dude, that is... That's not... I'm not coming back on that one. That's brutal. I'd leave the school.

Yeah, no, that's it for me. He did not. Cashing out. All right, let's get in. We'll do some top fives. And then we got Tom Segura on the show today. How long did we end up going? Do we know?

Yeah, we got cut short. He was on PMT before us, and they ran over, and then Tom had to go to his show. So we only got like 30 minutes. But, man, it's not about length. It really isn't, because that was 30 straight minutes of fucking laughs. Dude, also, how old do you think Jeff is? The fact that you asked me this makes me think that he is much younger than...

Yeah. So I'm going to just go with what I would have thought. I would say he's probably like similar, like, know, like, late, mid to late 40s. I think he's 40. Yeah, that's a look for 40. I mean, he came in, he wore the same thing, because he opened for Tom. I went to the show that night, and he opened for Tom. He wore the same exact outfit, sunglasses.

No, I figured he might not have the sunglasses. I mean, the look he came in with. He was hilarious, by the way. Very, like, Rick Rubin. Yeah, yeah. Big white beard, the glasses on. I was like, whoa, this guy's a trip. I thought maybe it was Rick Rubin.

Yeah, right, right, right. I also love, I was wearing this. These are the new Barstool, like, waffle thermal shirts that we got. We have it in this burnt orange. We got a gray one and a tan one. As we were taking the picture, he was wearing a thermal of his own. He was like, dude, I love these waffle type shirts.

I was like, oh, do you? We're making these. They're coming out soon. I was like, I'll link up with you on Instagram and get me some of your address and I'll send some. He read the messages, didn't even ask. Okay, man. Just wanted to send you some free shit.

Imagine just seeing that. Imagine being like, I like that shirt. And I was like, I'll give it to you for free. And then he's like, nah. Fuck. Fuck you, Jeff Tate. All right. So we'll keep it moving here.

We got top fives, our voicemails, of course. And we've got Tom Segura on the show after that. Oh, before we even do top fives, though, I am in such a goddamn predicament with my car, I'm going to have to, I think I have to flee the country. Listen to how fucked of a situation I've got myself in. So I got my famous Hyundai, right? And I knew that my lease was coming up,

like a four-year end to the lease. I have to turn the car in. And so I, for the first time in my life, decided to try to do something proactive and preemptive, and I wanted to get my car fixed up a little bit for some bangs and bumps. I'm always driving in the city, parking in the parking lot. It's been a couple times, you know, like little things that like nick me here and there.

And I was like, all right. Little accidents you get in as a great driver? No, no, like parking. Okay. So I know a guy who has a auto body shop. And I was like, all right, I don't want to have to pay any money when I turn this in. So I was going to work out a little thing with him for an exchange of services. And it turns out they needed to order a part.

All right, fine, whatever. So I turn the car in, and I get a rental car in the meantime. So it's been a couple days go by, like a week goes by, and I'm like, all right, when's the car going to be ready? He's like, ah, like next weekend. I'm like, all right, cool. So I've been driving the rental car for like a couple weeks, and then like kind of keep checking. The rental car that I was just, all right, cool. So I've been driving the rental car for, like, a couple weeks. And then, like, kind of keep checking. The rental car that I was just in?

Yes. Okay. So, like, time keeps going by, and the guy's, like. You had that for a while. That was the Wilbur. We took that, right? Yeah, okay. So the guy at the shop is, like, I, like, the part's not here.

Like, the part's not shipping. I don't know. Supply chain, shipping issues. Like, we just don't have the part. So, like, it was, like, a grill, like, the main grill in the front. So, like, right now, the whole't know, supply chain, shipping issues. Like we just don't have the part. So like it was like a grill and like the main grill in the front. So like right now the whole fucking front was like taken off. And so I'm waiting and I'm like, all right, fine. This is like kind of taking too long now, you know?

And so I have the rental car and they're like, you can have it for 30 days. So then all of a sudden, like we're coming up on 30 days and um at the same time then the lease is now up i started this process in fucking february thinking i'll have it ready for april now april hits so the car's in the shop the part is nowhere to be found. The lease people, the leasing agent are calling me off the hook being like, we need the car back. I'm like,

the car doesn't have a fucking front right now. You can't. So, so wait to recap again, the car's in the shop. The, the, the rental car is expiring. The lease is expiring,

expired, expired. And my fucking license expires. The lease is expiring. Expired. Expired. And my fucking license expires in the middle of all this. So I have the shop. The shop is cool. They're not like on my case, but they're just like, we have your car and the parts not coming. Yeah, yeah. What would they be on your case about?

Right, right. But the Hyundai people are like, we need the car and we'll give you like a grace period. But like, other than that, you got to get this fucking car back. The enterprise is like you're past your your 30 days. You need to come in and we can like restart another another like 30 day period or whatever. I'm like, OK, cool. I hang up the phone. It calls back right away.

They're like, oh, and by the way, your license expired. So bring your bring your new license in when you do. I don't have the new license yet. And so I'm fighting with the dmv i'm fighting like a four war front four front war i've got the dmv the hyundai leasing enterprise geico and the shop i don't know how to do any of this and this is all just because i tried to do like the right thing for it like i didn't want i was so i'm so why don't you just why are you't want, I was so, I'm so sick. Why don't you just, why don't you just pay? I'm so sick of being the asshole. Cause I'm so sick of being the guy that's like, I don't know when you turn it in and they're like, well, you owe me like $5,000 and I'm just like, oh, okay.

And then someone's like, dude, you should have done that. You could have done it at the shop for 200 bucks and blah, blah, blah. So I tried to do the right thing for once and it's completely butt fucked. And I know for a fact that they're all calling me off the hook and I just keep ignoring it. Just ignore that shit. I call the DMV and I'm like, can you

send me a temporary thing? They're like, no, we don't do that. If you send it in the mail, you only get a real one. And I was like, alright, when's that going to be? They're like, two weeks. So you have to not... So you're going to be... You're just not going to return the car. They were like, we need the car. I was like, you can't have the car.

No, I mean your rental car. No, I, listen. So, because here's the problem. The insurance covers like 30 days or whatever. And they were like, so the enterprise was like, we'll give you another lease. But they were like, yeah, we can give you another lease, but were like yeah you'll just like we can give you another lease but you have to pay for it you know what i mean yeah like i wasn't thinking that i was thinking like oh they mean they'll just restart it they're like no geico is probably gonna be like fuck you we're not gonna

do over 30 days but like the part is just not nowhere to be found i was like well can if i can can i turn it back to hyundai like they should just have the part right yeah and the leasing agent is like we're not actually hyundai we're just like some leasing company, so get the fuck out of here. I'm like, ah. And I kept being like, well, I don't know what you want me to do. And they're like,

we want you to return the car. I was like, well, I'm not gonna do it. It's not happening. I have children. They have to get transported places. So I really don't know what's gonna happen because once I go over my limit for insurance coverage for the car, I'm probably just gonna have to start paying for a rental car every day, which is probably very quickly going to add up to whatever the fucking cost for returning a shitty car.

Yeah. But getting a car right now is like literally impossible. Like buying a car, leasing a car, buying a car. They're just like no cars around. What? leasing a car buying a car they're just like no cars around what because of this all all this supply chain and and like uh distribution like uh um like what's the fucking word there's like there's not enough supply of it so like you i mean i think you ultimately can get one but you just have to like pay through the fucking roof yeah i i'm gonna have to rent like another hyundai for like a thousand dollars a month so cool Great. Just fucking chop my head off.

Just fucking chop my head off. Put me out to pasture, man. I'm so old, too. The wedding, my sister's wedding went to like, I don't know, 1.30 in the morning. The next day, yesterday I was sick. I wasn't hungover. Didn't drink.

I just woke up sick. You didn't drink? Yeah, I had like a couple drinks, maybe. Not even. A couple little champagne here and there. I woke up, like, my legs were hurting. My feet were hurting. Bro, what?

It got me sick. See, but here's the deal. You've allowed yourself to become this age. Because you're not that old. Mm-hmm. But you are that old. Yes. Like, it's like you...

I mean, it just broke me down. The last, like... You're 37? Yeah. People at 37 years old go out all the time. They're the fucking... They're like professional athletes.

Yeah. But the last, you know, basically like seven years, just absolutely... And also, yesterday, like, imagine you're at a wedding, but now you're at a wedding and you just have to carry 45 pounds everywhere you go.

It was just like everything I was doing, whether it was dancing, walking, eating, drinking, I just always had a kid in my arms. Which is, it's a workout. It's a workout. If I was just like, here's a 45-pound medicine ball while you're on the dance floor, you wouldn't enjoy yourself.

That was me. Shay would put me on my shoulders, hold me like this, dancing me like that. I was like, I can't. You know how much I get hot and sweat at these things anyway. I was dying. And I woke up the next day like, what happened? Where am I? I was like, oh, I went to a wedding last night.

It was the whole weekend of events with the kids just put me out of commission. But it was the performance of the weekend was Papa Clance, Papa KFC at the rehearsal dinner. Just

living it up. My dad has my dad is, like when I see my dad in action, I get what kind of guy he was when he was younger. At one point he was dancing with this girl at the wedding,

and she had a drink in her hand, and she was like, oh, let me put my drink down. And he goes, no, no, no, I like women who can dance and drink. Like, yeah. You got it like that. I mean, of all the places, of all the nights in a father's life, the rehearsal dinner's got to be one of the big ones. Yeah, he was, he was, like,

that's, that's the, that's the, the other side, the other side's paying for it. In 24, 48 hours,

whatever it is, you are no longer financially responsible for, like, even if, technically, but yes.

Even if something catastrophic happens, it's like, you got a husband now, that's that. Yeah, so he was cutting, he got loose at the rehearsal dinner.

And around like 10 o'clock, I was like, Daddy-O, we got to get out of here. Like, let me give you a ride home. I remember it was funny. My aunt came over, and she goes, just to be clear, who's driving home with your parents? And I look at my dad, and I understood what she was talking about. And we both look over to my mom, and she has a pint glass of her vodka drink with a straw and she's like and i was like well apparently neither of them are driving home so i put my dad in the car and my mom was staying with my sister to stay later and we're driving home and at this point you

know my mom is always fucking furious at my dad for anything but you know getting loose at the rehearsal dinner is at the top of the list right now. My dad is just sitting in the front seat and he would just, it was like a silent. And then he would just go, not good. Not good. And then I'd be like,

yeah, you know, not great. You are going to pay for this one. And then like, we'd be quiet for a couple more minutes. And then just again, not good.

Not good. It was the best. That is such a good line. So today, for top fives. Not good. Not good. Today, top fives, we're doing. That's going to be like, I'm going to start doing that all the time.

It's up there with Rudy's like, Jesus Christ. It's another variation of that. Not good. Today's top fives are top five worst ways to get in trouble because he was certainly in the doghouse for that one. So at the top of my list is going to be if you don't sleep on a Helix mattress because I'll tell you what, that is not good. Sleeping on a bad mattress. I did that as well because I was sleeping in different places all for the weekend

because the family was all together in different houses. If I don't sleep on my mattress, I'm fucked. I got my Helix mattress at home. It's made exactly to my liking. And if I'm on anything else, even like other mattresses that are supposed to be good beds, can't do it. Bro, I slept on a fainting couch last weekend. Oh, what?

Fainting couch. You know like those things they call couches that aren't actually couches. They're too small. They call that a fainting couch?

Yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah. It's like what? Like a love seat? Like a tiny little? No. Google fainting couch.

Oh, it's almost like hard like wooden furniture turned into a fucking. Yeah, they're like these fucking. It's like paint me like one of your

French girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I slept on one of those last week. That's, like, your body's broken. See, that's like, dude, like, I'm, like, fucking... I'm, like, fucking... What do you call it? Because of the way I live my life.

The exact opposite of how you allow yourself. I'm like, like, Mandelbaum. Like, you sleep on a piece of plywood. Yeah, right, right, right, right. I'll lift this TV over my head. No, yeah, you've done a good job. Look at that one that looks like that black one at the top. That thing's ridiculous.

What the hell is that? It's Patrick Star. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Wait, go over the price. $45,000. That is $45,000. Try to sleep on that thing. Bro, that's insanity. That is crazy, man. That's too much for a chair.

That's what I want to fucking do, man. I want to make furniture and do things like that. Sell things for like $75,000. How great does that have to feel when you make it in the world by selling something that's not real? Like when you catch on as an artist or a designer or whatever, and you're just like, yeah, man, I make clothes, but I charge $10,000 for them. Yeah. And it's just like,

yeah, that's what we do. Kind of like what we do. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. We have conversations. It's true.

Touche. But the Helix mattress is one thing that is, uh, is worth every bit and every penny you pay, because like I said, it is, uh, matched to you perfectly.

Uh, for instance, the midnight mattress. I said, it is matched to you perfectly. For instance, the Midnight Mattress. I think that's actually the one I have. You take a quiz and they can match you. It's not too firm, not too soft. You sleep on your side a little bit. There you go, bingo, bingo, Midnight Mattress. They have soft, medium, and firm.

They have cooling mattresses and warming mattresses, great for spinal alignment, prevent morning aches and pains. They got the Helix Plus for the unit size people. All of it comes after just a two minute quiz, plus a 10 year warranty and a 100 night risk free trial. They'll even pick it up if you don't like it and bring it back. So they're flexible on payment plans and financing options as well. Right now you can get $200 off when you go to helix sleep.com slash kfc get 200 bucks off all the mattresses plus two free pillows at helix sleep h-e-l-i-x sleep.com slash kfc so in honor of my dad number one overall pick i will do when you are in trouble

with your significant other for drinking too much. That condescending look of like, I told you not to do this, and you did it anyway. Everyone's experienced it. I feel like it's, generally speaking, mostly men to women. Women to men. Women to men getting mad at men. Very rarely will the girl be in the doghouse for drinking because it just doesn't really work that way.

And or guys just don't care enough to like, like I think the guy either just genuinely doesn't care that she's drunk or he's like, I'm not going to fucking rake you over the coals for this because it happens, you know? Whereas a guy- Because I'm going to get back at you next weekend. Yeah.

Right, right, right. The ultimate one for me- Or you're an absolute fucking deviant of a male and this was your plan all along just to get the girl too drunk so but i i feel like the guy it's always like we're meeting so and so or we're going here or like don't so don't do this and don't do that and you just can't stop yourself because you want to live your life it was uh my dad's done one i mean i'm sure my one my i'm sure my dad's got a couple of them in them but the uh the one uh was my favorite one because i was personally involved

in it was 2013 oh wow you know the exact oh i it was it was oh it's a poppy poppy grand slam game he actually i think he told you this story yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't have ever told on the podcast but he oh it's a, but he told you guys it was the – It was the Viva game. It was the Viva game, yeah. It was Poppy, Game 2. Game 2, ALCS 2013. Poppy, obviously you know the story here.

Grand Slam comes back. My dad had been trying to leave earlier in the night and had been like, he's like, let's get out of here, let's get out of here. Because they were down a bunch, right? They were down four. That was the seventh inning and they were down four. And I was like, look, let's just see what happens. Yeah, you're right for being like, much crazier things have happened.

Dude, he's like, he. But he's also won like a thousand championships. He's seen it all. And, you know, he's getting old like me. He couldn't, you know. Dad's like, once you become a dad, it's like, we got to leave early. We got to be in traffic. Be in traffic.

Get home. It's like, I get it in some situations. In others, like a playoff game, we're not fucking going anywhere. Dude, he left, the one I get the most mad about I wasn't even at the game, but he left the fucking Pats Broncos, where

Pats were down like 24 at halftime or whatever it was. It was, I mean, it was a negative 40 that night. It was crazy cold. It was the we'll that night. It was crazy cold. It was the we'll take the win game. When Belichick got to decide if you want the ball. He said we'll take the wind. And then it worked.

I know. Sickening. So they left that game. And then one of his buddies who left with him, the people who he was with, didn't leave. And he was so fucked up that he couldn't walk to a new bar.

So he just, and it was so cold that he started a fire and just slept next to a dumpster. Because that's where he found the wood. The wood was in the dumpster. And so he was just passed out in the parking lot at Gillette. Ended up waking up at the end. But whatever was in the pile of dumpster. And so he was passed out in the parking lot at Gillette. Spectacular.

Ended up waking up at the end. But whatever. But anyway, so 2013, we go, we had standing room only. My uncle had

this sick hookup where it was like, we basically go in on Yawkey Way, we go through the, whatever the store is that they sell stuff, on

Yawkey Way. You go in the back door, but they check tickets to get onto Yawkey Way. So once you go out the back door, but they check tickets to get onto Yakiway. So once you go out the front door, they don't check your tickets anymore. Right. So if you went in the back door, you walked out the front door, you could get into the game.

Right. So we used to do that for, like, big games. And the – sorry, I got lost there. So we used to do that for big games. And obviously my dad wanted to leave I'm saying no way Seventh inning comes, Bobby hits a grand slam We start going nuts

Start fucking drinking We go out after the game We drink it more We get shit-faced It's like a Monday night game I think it was whatever holidays in October I think it was that day. Like Columbus Day? Yeah, Columbus Day.

Also, yeah, it was arguably the greatest sports day of my life. That was the fucking Brady leads a comeback against the Saints, which we watched from the crowd at Fenway, because the game was still, like, we were, we had to leave the bar to get into the game, but that game was still on, so they were playing it on the Jumbotron, like, pregame.

Watched unbelievable Ken Bral-Thompkins touchdown. Game three, game two starts. It's chaos. It's nuts. Get fucking. We were drinking all day. Really ramped it up after the Poppy home run. We go back to my apartment.

I'm like, you can't drive home, dude. So we go back to my apartment, and being the nice guy, being the son that I am, I was like, you can take the bed. I'll take the couch. And he was like, okay. And I was like, this is my college apartment. I paid this rent. Like, I get it when you're in college and you paid my rent.

You're like, yo, I paid this rent. This isn't like, oh, here, you pay so you can get the bed. No, no, no. Dude just took the fucking bed anyway. That's an alpha move. That's like, I, here, you pay so you can get the bed. No, no, no. Dude just took the fucking bed anyway. That's an alpha move. That's like, I don't care what it is. You still came out of my dick, basically. I'm taking the bed.

But he woke up the next morning, and he had not told my mom he wasn't coming home. He had not told my mom anything. I just get so mad at that. My brother was still living at home at the time. He's like, Dad wasn't in the same room as Mom for days. Just making sure to avoid her. That's my move, too. When I'm like, just once I'm done being drunk,

and I'm like, you're going to get over it eventually. I don't want to have a conversation and unpack the stuff. I'll just avoid you. You can't get mad at what you can't see. You can't fight me if we're not in the same room. See how long I can outrun that one. Alright, your pick.

Alright, my pick is getting kicked out of St. Michael's University. No, St. Michael's College. What was that for? It was all just grades. I never raped anybody I hope not I feel like that's what guys get kicked out of college for

There's a couple in between steps There's like plagiarism and vandalism and stuff I just didn't go to class But that one was That was the first one That was a big fight and not only anger Because that was the first one. That was the doozy. That was the big one. That was a big fight.

And just complete, not only anger, but complete lack of understanding. They're like, I just don't get how. Yeah. You're not an idiot. Right. So how do you have these grades? Also, why do colleges kick you out, though? It's just like, you can keep paying all you want, no? That's a good point.

You're not going to get the diploma. I guess it's just like we have more room for kids who try or something. It's like, well, who fucking cares? Dude, my dad thought I had a- You would think that's a goldmine, like the kid who pays but doesn't ever go to class. You don't even take up a spot, you know, like whatever. That's a good point. My dad was convinced I had a porn addiction.

I don't know why. He's like, are you addicted to pornography? And I was like, why is that your first guess? You know what that was? He read an internet article somewhere that said, be careful. Is your kid suffering at school? It might be a sign of porn addiction. Why don't we start with drinking and drugs first and work our way down to pornography?

That is a good point. But I'm'm telling you that was he read something somewhere and was like i gotta check my kid for porn eviction yeah let's let's start with the fucking typical ones in college no you know what it probably was it was probably like i don't care if my son is shit-faced and high as a fucking kite he should be able to stay enrolled at saint michael's he must be a pervert He must be such a pervert He's dumb Imagine that You're such a sexual deviant

You become stupid I guess that makes sense Maybe he was right all along I think the answer to that is yes We all have a little bit of an addiction Yeah for sure Oh speaking of, I got a fuck toy.

Oh, I'm so... Are there any more? You can have mine. Is it in the box still? No. Well, then I don't think I want it. Yeah, fuck toy Friday. Pat came with a whole box of fuck toys. I was in the office. The one day I'm not in the office,

I don't get the sex toy? Yeah. Dude, he had a bunch. He might still have some over toys. I was in the office. Like, the one day I'm not in the office, I don't get the sex toy? Yeah, dude. I mean, he had a bunch. He might still have some over there. I don't recommend it. What is it? It's like a fucking... It's just like a... It's just a thing on your dick that vibrates.

And it's just like... They need to come up... Just to tell you what, buddy, that doesn't get me there. They need to come up with something that sucks your dick. That's what they need. Dude, I... Like, I don't want to have to hold it,

do it, fuck it. I want it to be like a thing, like a person, body, mouth that is sucking your dick for you.

Does the work. Up and down. I don't know why I can't figure this out. The, uh, the... So, so I got it. My hair is wild right now. So I got it. Uh, good, good time to tell a fucking porn story. I was just gonna say, so I got it. My hair is wild right now. So I got it.

Good time to tell a fucking porn story. Yeah, this is fitting the story right now. So I get it. Friday, I had a meeting with a new accountant who I believe is listening to the show now. So, hello. I told her, I said, I said it in the most polite way. I said, it gets pretty blue. Blue. KFC radio, it gets pretty blue Blue KFC radio

It gets pretty blue Spell it B-L-E-W So I got it, I came into Actually, I'll tell you the whole Friday real quick One of the most barstool situations ever I was meeting a new accountant on Friday and I had come into the office to print out some tax stuff, W-2s and things like that.

And in this office, there is nowhere that there is a stapler. So I couldn't staple together my W-2. I'm looking around at different printers, looking at different rooms. And finally, I asked Enrique up front, I said, do you have a stapler? And Ebony went, no, that one's broken. I tried to use it anyway.

It was certainly broken. It just, like, mangled the thing. So I had to print out another W-2. And then. Was she like, I fucking told you. Yeah, yeah. I came back with, like, they're like seven staples fucking hanging out of different edges of it. And so I'm like, is there anything else?

Like a paperclip or something like that? And Enrique goes, here, actually, you know what? Take this. And it's like a stack of envelopes, like three envelopes together. And he takes the paperclip off it and he goes,

oh, wait, these are yours anyway. They're my W-2s. They were my W-2s that had been returned to sender. And then one of the security guy goes, dude, that's been there for like a month. And everybody just goes, sorry, fights. Got high. Just get my W-2s hostage for a month.

But anyway, that's the only reason I was in the office for a free fucktire fight. It was to print out my W-2s because I mysteriously had not gotten them. And so now I'm like, the office is a little bit uptown, walkable from here. And I had my purse with me. I had my two laptops with me because I didn't know which laptops were going to be able to work on the printer.

So I had a bunch of stuff. And now I'm like, can I go meet a new accountant with my fuck toy in my bag? A purse and two fuck toys. And I made the adult decision no, I could not. So I left it on my desk. So I come back here probably around 2.30ish to pick up my fuck toy.

And I get home. And man, you know when you get a new toy, you just want to play with it? Yeah. But it was still quite daylight, and I don't have blinds. And, like, you can, like, across, I have, like, a little alleyway out in the back of my apartment. And not alleyway, but, like, I don't know, courtyard. And you can see right in, right into my room. And so, like, I usually just masturbate at night because it's fucking dark and you can't really see anything.

But I got a new fuck toy. So, first, I'm like. What is the name of this toy? I don't know. Because it looked like something a little different. If you check Pat, I'm sure you'll be able to read it. I don't want to give any free advertising. I didn't care for it.

First, I get myself a little revved up. You can't go in soft to a sex toy. No. You very much can't do anything sexually soft. You gotta get yourself going a little bit. So I fucking, I hum him up a little, you know, get a helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, get the guy fired up. And then I realize

that it fucking isn't charged. Didn't come charged. That's annoying. Out of the box. Any of these things, sex toys or otherwise, anything that's a battery that's not, if it's a plug-in battery. Yeah, it's plug-in. It's got to come charged. Or halfway charged at least.

So I had to plug it in. But now I already have an erection. Well, I'm not going to. Did you like lay on the floor next to the outlet? Uh-huh. No, no, I just didn't use it. I just, I went and charged it. Just, just finished myself off the old fashioned way.

Oh. And so. Wait, have you not used this toy yet? Hang on a second. Because then I would have taken it. And so now, I'm basically just sitting there staring at the clock, just waiting. I'm like, bye-bye, about half hour.

I should be all set. You're looking at the toy in your dick, like, which one's going to be ready first? So I had, when I was originally trying to get it going, I was putting in effort to hide what I was doing because people could clearly see into my bedroom. I had, like, the laptop, I was holding it in one hand

because, like, it was MacBook Air. I was, like, holding it in one hand, and I was, like, my legs were, like, under a comforter, so, like, you couldn't really see what was happening kind of deal. And then at this point, I'm so fucking annoyed about the whole situation that I was like fucking who cares

just got totally naked just jumped in the bed fucking nice it was nice that it comes with a little bit of lube because they do recommend water based spermicidal lubricant and and I I fucking get it going, got this thing going. And I will say this.

Sliding it on felt quite nice. It's a silicone sheath that is quite nice. And then I finally fucking, I'm like, all right, here we go. At this point, dude, I have a robot hanging from my dick Like it is So you just hook it on and then it's But it's like fucking It's heavy

You gotta fucking bring a boner to play Yeah $200 You should sell this shit on the black market No you gotta bring a fucking bone piece Because otherwise that thing will wreck you. It just slides off. Also, you have a broken sex toy and your dick's pointing at the ground.

It's like having sex with a girl who you know is going to throw down. You better fucking bring it. You better bring your brain game. And then so I'm just sitting there. I'm laying there in bed. Yeah, but see, this is the problem. Oh, wait. so this is the problem step six mix

okay so I did that I thought I was like this isn't gonna fucking this isn't getting me going just fucking so the thing here is that you have to put it on and jerk off while it vibrates and it's like that's all well and good oh I had it on backwards too

I definitely had no I know what good. Oh, I had it on backwards, too. I definitely had. No, I know what you mean backwards, bro. I get it. Yeah, that was up top. All right, I'm going to give it another run, bro. But the thing is, ultimately what I mean is, like, you're still just jerking yourself off. You're holding something. Yeah, you're holding a fucking battery-powered jet pack.

It's not tiny. It's not huge, but it's not tiny. Right, right, right. It's just too much. Actually, well, you know what? So I'll just pull an audible here. This wasn't going to be my second pick, but getting caught jerking off, getting caught masturbating,

I think for my, I guess not most in trouble, but just getting caught-wise. Have you ever been caught jerking off? When I was really young, like by my parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your parents. No, I never got in trouble for that. I had like one time I think my mom came in.

Yeah, I don't want to say. Yeah, well, so that happened to me. You didn't get in trouble for that? That's why I shouldn't. That's traumatizing. Yeah, this is tough. I've been in trouble, right? So I didn't get in trouble.

I guess I don't know if I can draft that one. But like I was in bed and um at this point i mean i i was dating the girl for a long time so it wasn't like that big of a deal but like she was like all right i'm going to work and i was in her bed and she like came back in because she like forgot something you know so as soon as she left i fired it up and as soon as she came back in i fucking flipped the comforter back over me. I was just like, Oh, wait, wait. So it wasn't you. Your girlfriend caught you. Yeah, I was. I was. Yeah. Okay. So I don't want to say

in trouble, but the feeling of shame. Yeah. I flip it back and I was just like, hello, what do you need? You know, I was just sitting here with the laptop completely closed under the cover for no reason. I fucking did that once. It was the I think this was this. It was the girl who I broke up with uh or who broke up with me uh when i cried uh but the

this is i should have known there were there were a lot of signs of that relationship that it wasn't gonna go very far um but one time she left for work at the same office i worked at um so many reasons why it wasn't and uh and she uh i could like we had different jobs she worked business here and so she would have to like be a regular time hours and you would be in and like i could just say she wanted to she wanted to work at like 10 and i was like hadn't even begun my day yeah i could like i could just see like i haven't even jerked off i could see the way she looked at me like, this piece of shit is just going to stay in my bed until noon?

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? And then she left. And then she came back. Same type deal. I forgot her purse or umbrella or whatever the fuck she forgot. And I was at this point naked now. Because I'd bailed on the boxers that I was sleeping in.

During a fatter phase of my life as well. So I was, like, I had a leg out from under the thing. And I had gotten a couple of sheets on me. And then just, like, a fat asshole up here. And she's just like, she never said. I thought you were describing your actual asshole. no no no you were naked and shit so I was like you know your legs like your nose is just that you're thinking it right yeah we've said fat asshole on the show a hundred times but you were like

so I'm naked my legs are out and exposed, and I'm a fat asshole. I've been plunging myself. Imagine if you saw someone's asshole and you were like, imagine if you were like, that's a fat asshole. I've seen fat assholes before. You've seen a fat asshole? Oh, yeah. And yeah, and then she came back and she never said anything, but it was just like, you could see the look. Yeah, it's like a dog. It's like a dog being ashamed.

Like when it's like, yeah, I shit on the floor. It's like, yeah, I came in the sheets. I'm sorry. I thought you were gone for two hours. So it's not quite in trouble, but it's definitely like, I wish you didn't see that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's that look of shame that you can't really undo.

Because there's also like a girl, you catch a girl masturbating, she's like, first of all, they're hotter, you know, they're laying there naked. And it's like, you can just be as simple as just like, you know, with a guy. It's like monkeys at the zoo. You walk in on that and it's just like, oh, this is something that I'm usually turned on by. Like, I want that on top of me. That is despicable.

You guys choose that. It's crazy. Imagine just two guys together. Here's a choice. Here's a choice. Alright, you're out. My number two is getting kicked out of UMass Dartmouth. Getting kicked out of...

Oh, wait, no, that's Amherst is the bad one. Not the bad one, the crazy one. Amherst, I would say Amherst is probably regarded as the better of the schools. But, like, party-wise. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Dartmouth is mostly a commuter. You got kicked out of a commuter school? Bro, I was living at home and I was going.

That's why they were pretty upset about that one. You leave every day. I don't go to class, though. I'm on your side. I used to drive 45 minutes and then skip class. I would just sit in my car in the parking lot. I'd go to school.

I went to the cafeteria so much and just hung out there. It is so funny. Nick's like the hardest working guy in the world. And he used to just be like, nah, not doing it. Nah, I wasn't doing it for me. See, same thing. I have no problem doing things that I like or enjoy or believe in. I understand that.

But you could just sit here in class for like an hour like 45 minutes sometimes and like I resented everything about not have your whole situation fucked up or sit here like this basically the same out of things I would just get a bag on to sit in my car so I would do I did like like I got and I took a lot And I took a full course. Getting in trouble for getting kicked out of commuter school is some dumb shit. I wish...

We should have been writing all these things down. We need to have a TV show or a book by now about this man. Because it's just the stories that you can tell. Sum him up for me. If ever we need to do an elevator pitch on a show and they're like, who's the main character? I'll be like, it's this guy who got kicked out of commuter school. I see your vision.

I get it. Say no more. Green light. It was so confused. They were like, but you go to school every day. What do you mean you weren't going to school? There's a difference between leaving and going to school. But I would go to school, too.

I'd be on school and going to class. I'd be on campus at a place that I didn't live and was just like, I just choose to sit here and stay. Unreal. Unreal. Our boys over at Movement have come up with the next great thing for MVMT. They've got the minimal sport dive watch that can dive 100 meters deep. Now, I don't know. I don't even know. I don't have a guess how far 100 meters deep. Now, I don't know.

I don't even know. 100 meters? I don't have a guess how far 100 meters is. That's a football field deep. Oh, that's right. We already did this recently where you did the odds of meters the same thing, but they're not. It's like 1.01 or something like that.

Is it really? It's 1.09 per one. It's like, shut up, dude. Why did we invent the new form of? Why did we do anything? But when they were like, what's that? That distance, that's a meter. And they were like, okay, what's that one?

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You know what I mean? I remember being in a bar once. You know how we caught drinking is like the end of the world. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I remember being in a bar once. You know how we started like drinking so early. And it got – the first time I went to a bar, it got raided. And I remember being like nervous about it and thinking like this is pretty young. I shouldn't be doing it. And I kind of got like peer pressured into it. And then like that night, the cops showed up and I like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

But it was like the cops were showing up to collect their fucking money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing ever happened. But that moment of trepidation in the beginning, like, the cops are here. Well, one time we were walking in the streets just drinking. But not like in the city, like in the suburbs. You can't just walk around the suburbs with, like, 40s drinking. Of course we got caught.

You know what I mean? But this cop car, like, it turned on the street, so the headlights, like, 40s drinking. Of course we got caught. You know what I mean? But this cop car, like, it turned on the street, so the headlights, like, swept by us, and we knew they were, like, cop cars, cop lights. So we, like, I'm walking with a six-pack and drinking. We have 40, whatever. And we just, like, throw it to the side and keep walking. And then they, like, pull up closer to us,

and they're like, so, what are you guys doing? And we're like, just walking. Just walking. And they were like, well, what were you, like, when you walking just walking they were like well what were you like when you were just walking what did you throw about like 50 feet back and we're like nothing let's go take a look and they made us like walk over and they're like and it was just like steel reserve colt 45 old e and they took it all from us and they let us go but like they like And then where we were walking to, the house we were walking to, you have to walk by the

police station. And this was the moment I stopped worrying about it because, like I said, I used to freak out. When the cops were pulling up, I was like, oh my God, we're like, I'm done. I'm going to jail. And then we walked by the police station. They were drinking it. Really? And the one guy, well, they were

kind of drinking it because the one guy, they were like, Steel Reserve? This is were like the one guy well they were kind of drinking because the one guy they were like Steel Reserve? This is garbage. This is fucking trash man. And now that I'm older and I know like the cops and shit you know it's like those were probably like

28 year old cops on the job being like I'm gonna bust the high school kids' walls. You know? It's like little things you know getting caught drinking is not a big deal. Dude I

Whether it's a teacher, parent or a cop unless you're like Indian or something I don't know parent or or a cop unless you're like indian or something i don't know what you know yeah you're like an indian kid your parents are gonna like disown you or some shit the rest of you is like your parents are gonna yell at you because they have to but they don't really care yeah right the i i was involved in a raid once um at at kj's pub i believe it's called in tallahassee and um i was under 21 i was probably sophomore maybe a junior.

And cops busted, like, busted and busted. Like, this was a raid. Like, push, like, bust out the door. No, but, like, they came in loud and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of them, not, like, two cops, like, tons of them. Is that at a bar or? Yeah. Yeah, like, paddy wagons, like, ready to arrest a bunch of kids.

Right. And it was, like, I was standing there. I was under 21. I had my fake passport. And I had a beer left. And I was like, am I going to give them my fucking real license and just get the, like a minor in possession? I don't think you should get arrested.

You're like an MIP. And then I finished my beer. I put it down on the bar and in that sip to down I got confidence to refill the back left pocket and I just handed him my passport that was enough booze and I handed him my passport

and he was like not buying it and I was like in my head I am going to Guantanamo Bay or wherever they take people with fake passports. This fucking sucks. Passports usually is no joke. And in that moment, someone punched a cop and it was like, he's like, and I'm like, went and like broke that up.

Write it down for the book. That's unbelievable. That's a life-saving moment. That guy saved your life. That might have been your friend being like, shit, John's going to go to jail. Holy fuck, man. That should be in a movie.

You know the scene where you hear the heartbeat. Everything cuts out and you're just like, where, like, you hear the heartbeat. Everything cuts out. You're just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's like in Superbad when you're trying to buy the liquor and everything. It's in Superbad. You guys punch in the face of a liquor store. Holy fuck. That is spectacular.

Or wrestle the cop or whatever. I don't know. A fight broke out where a police officer was being assaulted. All right. I got... whatever, I don't know. A fight broke out where a police officer was being assaulted. Alright. I got... I will go... Getting in trouble... Oh, this is... I don't know if this is exactly...

Oh, wait, that was... So, mine would be number three is getting kicked out of Florida State. Oh. I don't know what's worse. Getting kicked out of commuter school? Or Florida fucking State? The commuter school? Or Florida fucking state? The commuter school turns down people. Do you want to guess what my issue was, Kevin?

Didn't go to a lot of class. Dude, there are places. Dude, I used to fucking. People at the commuter school chant safety school in Florida state. That's how fucking bad Florida state is. You get kicked out as a seminal? Dude, that was... Jesus.

That was when they had like the bigger schools. I guess maybe you would know. Maybe they did to a Duke. Where you had like those things with electronic things that like basically like almost registered.

Yeah, yeah. They registered like you were in class. Yeah. So like basically it's like they took the attendance for you. I don't know if it was GPS-based or if it was Wi-Fi-based.

You'd answer questions. You'd answer questions, right. You'd answer questions, and then that's how they would know. Your name would be registered to the thing. Okay, so yeah. Basically, they have multiple-choice questions on screen, and you'd answer them, and they'd be like, okay, John was in class today.

And they're like basic questions? They were questions that had to do with the subject, like the class. Damn. And I would ask people to just take mine. I'm like, can you just take this? But the problem was I didn't have any friends either.

Because you didn't do any of the frat shit. I didn't have anyone who would take it for me. So then I'd send an email at the end of the semester, right before finals every day. This is the saddest story ever. And I would just send mass emails on chalkboard, what is it called? Blackboard. Blackboard.

And I'd just be like, hey, does someone have all of the notes for the year? And we would send them. We would give them to you. And then I wouldn't study. Unbelievable. My fourth is, I would say, rather rather specific don't know how many other people can really maybe relate to this one but i'm gonna go ahead with um not informing your mother when you're two outs away from a no-hitter for the first in your franchise's history that's the

most in trouble i've ever been with my mom. Really? My whole life. When Johan was pitching the no-hitter, and it was like the ninth inning, probably, and I still was like, I don't want to jinx this. And I was playing by the jinx rules. That's fair.

I'm surprised your mom doesn't get that. She did not get it. She did not get it. I called her up after the final out. I said, were you watching? She was like, watching what? And I was like, the no-hitter. She was like, what do you mean?

I was like, the message is through a no-hitter. And she was like, why didn't you tell me? And I was like, I couldn't tell you because of the jinx. He did it. I was like, oh, fuck. She did not speak to me for like two weeks. What? We talk every day.

It was 14 straight days of me like calling no no pickup get the fuck out she was mad that's crazy my brother my brother was like yo mom's past she was like talking to him and not talking to me it was it was like tell your brother i'm pissed yeah yep and i i mean i had to like i went through like all the stages uh at first i was like sorry then i was like mad yeah fuck you this isn't my fault you know eventually i had to, like, I went through, like, all the stages. At first, I was, like, sorry. Then I was, like, mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you. This isn't my fault.

You know, eventually, I had to, like. You should have watched the game. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. It was, it was, that was the most trouble I've ever been in with my mom. My turn? Yeah. Number four would be getting kicked out of Providence College.

Probably. I mean, this one, I was like, come on, you guys. It's on you at this point. Only four times. Providence hurts, too, because that's a real school. If you graduate from Providence, you're something. You got alumni, and it's nice. You're a friar.

This could have been. They were like, wow, at least he could still be a friar. No, that one, yeah. That one was it. you know this could have been they were like wow at least he could still be a friar yeah nope no that one yeah that one was that one was yeah

that one yeah my last one what's the worst thing to get in trouble for get caught doing get in trouble for

you got anything I don't know if there's anything on my list I'd say getting caught man what am I getting in trouble for You got anything? I don't know if there's anything on my list. Let's say getting caught. Man, what am I getting in trouble for? Getting caught. No, I don't think I have anything.

Well, that's it. I only have four. I don't know. I just have to leave the fifth one blank. That's all right. We don't have to get five every time. What's five for you? Getting kicked at NYU. Touch them that one touch them all that one

at least like I was I I had started here so I was like I was like don't worry I make $500 a month blogging so I've already made it so I'm good I'm eating tomato soup with the craft singles on top like I don't fucking need college anymore. I've made it, mama. You work in New York City, and people ask you how much you make. You just say $500. And they go, oh, damn. Dollars per month.

$500,000? No, $500. Oh, per hour? No. Per week? Per month. And how often do you work? 24-7.

Every hour. Well, are you happy there? Oh, no, no, no. I'm in fear every minute of the day. Oh, okay. Good. You made it. You made it.

Yeah, I'll keep up this job, and I will pay you guys back soon. Every minute of the day. Oh, okay. Good. You made it. Yeah. I'll keep up this job, and I will pay you guys back soon. All right. That's our top fives. Tweet at us. Let us know what did we miss. What's the worst things to get in trouble for or get caught doing? All right.

Let's get into our voicemails today. They are brought to you by HelloFresh. Johnny, what do we got on the menu, baby? Oh, I actually just got my text that my food has been delivered for the week. Let's see. Sometimes I forget to choose. I did not forget to choose this time, so I do believe I have good food. Well, it's always good food,

but... While you look it up, let me tell you, HelloFresh is the number one meal kit company in America, meaning they come... What do you got? Christy Parmesan company in America, meaning they come. Oh, I knew I had something. What do you got? Christy Parmesan chicken with garlic scallion couscous. Oh, you know me and couscous. You know how me and couscous do.

Yeah. Me and couscous pooping each other's pants. And lemony roasted carrots. One pan Santa Fe pork tacos. I am a big fan of the one pans because that's 20 minutes easy cleanup, easy cooking. Bingo, bango. That means you make your entree and your sides and everything in one pan. Everything's in the one

pan. And that makes things really easy for me. I like to have at least one of those per week. Because it's like, alright, tonight's easy. Tonight's just fucking knock it out. And then, I like to have one of these every week too. This is a little special for Johnny. This is a premium pick.

This is miso maple glazed salmon with toasted sesame rice and sweet potato jumble. See, those are things that you would expect to hear at like a fancy fucking Michelin star restaurant. This bitch cooks it. And that's at Casa de Fights. Because it's easy. Because it's easy for me. This shit's easy for me This shit is easy for me It's easy for me My dad still calls up

And he's like A lot of times A lot of times we'll be cooking Cause we'll call each other at night And he'll be like I just gotta I gotta tell you I'm so impressed with you

Cause of what you're cooking? Yeah He's like I've never been able to cook I'm like well that's cause you don't try And like Mom cooks No Well yes But it's also because you don't have this fucking cheat sheet here right and that's what i say i'm like well i just follow instructions right very easy right and he's like not for everybody well he's also probably thinking like this is the kid who got

kicked out of a commuter school how could he possibly cook this well? But it's true. John, even so stupid, John could do it. It's so easy. Even John can do it because you have everything in the pre-portioned packages. So you just pour all of it in. You look at the, you look at the menu card,

you follow all those, the instructions, you mix them all up. And next thing you know, you got your meal 20, 30 minutes. And like you said, only one pan to clean.

You don't have to go to the grocery store, none of that. Salmon limon, pasta primavera. They've got meats. They've got vegetables. They've got different dietary and allergic restrictions for whatever you need. Truly a tailored experience. And you can get 16 free meals right now when you go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC16 and then use code KFC16 plus three gifts.

Give him another one of those. Go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC16. Voicemails, let's go. That's the hardest you've laughed all episode. That was funny. That was funny. That's going to be the official HelloFresh. Dude, before we get into voicemails, doing that reminded me of, I was on the bracket

last week, and Tommy had one of those sandbag moments, like, from 40-Year-Old Virgin, where Tommy was just like, and he's become kind of bitty, too, so sometimes I can't tell if he's fucking around, but he seemed very serious. And he was like, he's like, he's like, you guys know when you, when you start masturbating and you started jerking off and like,

rub the tip, you just did it. No, that's real. He did it on Friday night pints. Remember that was as real as it comes. Oh, right.

Yeah. He was talking about how he would just rub the tip like this. He was like, he's like, I just like, no, that was real. I was like,

I was a genuine man talking about rubbing the tip of his dick like it was a clit. I was like, Tommy, do you have a clit? That's how women masturbate. That's not how men masturbate. Tommy clit masturbates. He jerks his clit off. The thought of Tommy Smokes being like 13,

just being like... I don't know about anybody else certainly tommy smokes you hit the tip too hard for me like i'm gonna end up peeing stop stop whoa whoa whoa that's nope nope nope tommy yeah like it's just you know it's like sensitive i mean i'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa like that that feels like it's not a good feeling to me if you're tipping it like that, I'm going to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I brought my clit. Yeah. Tommy over there just at home. I'm like, oh. Yeah, Tommy's got a clit. Voicemails, what do we got? Hey, KFC, Fights, Jackie, Paz, Nick, Zach, rest of the crew.

So I'm having a little Fidelberg moment over here. I got my spicy PB&Js, got my Harry Potter rocking, and a thought came to me. He's got the SBK on one leg, fights. He got the SBK on one leg. Haven't had much luck with sponsorship. Contact Reese's or even just do it because content. But get Reese Reese's on the other leg or even together, but I feel like the other leg is just cuter. Yeah, you're welcome.

What's your idea? Do I get a new tattoo? Have a good one, boys. Be back. Yeah. Wait, so you just got to get a Reese's peanut butter cup on the other leg? I guess. Well, you got to get it so when you put your legs together,

they're like. So you're like slam your legs together. That's how you advertise candy. You'll love that. Two milky legs. They're going to call you up, like, cease and desist. Get those tattoos removed, you disgusting bag of bones. You're a pig.

You're a gross animal. We would rather have an actual barnyard pig with tattoos on her. I'll tell you what. I drive the SPK social person nuts. By nuts. That's another part for our TV show. Write it down. Another episode where it's like the SPK social people have had enough,

and then they try to track you down and make you stop. Dude, you're just so sick of me. Yeah. Because people will tweet at me like, give Fights money. Well, good. No, listen. To Chickenhead Nation, keep it up. They don't deserve all the free advertising they get.

Fucking pay for it, you cheap losers. This is obviously the most engagement you will ever get for your dumb fucking candy. Pay! This is America! They'll always quote, the SBK will always quote to people, I have DM'd him. He doesn't get back to us. I just read it and don't get back to him.

Don't DM him! Email a salesperson! Come on, it's not how it works. You don't contact the talent. It's not like, oh, we DM'd DiCaprio. It's not working. Talk to the people who manage him or something. Figure it out.

I like this running gag of me just like every day. Like, God damn it. He just fucking won't answer. We're trying to give him money. He won't get back to us. Like, what is this? You're right. I apologize. He's the asshole. Never mind. DM me instead. I'll take care of it.

Fuck. Like, what can we do? What makes this man happy? What can he do to get everyone off our ass? That's true. Nothing. And nothing. Nothing. it. Fuck. Like, what can we do? What makes this man happy? What can he do to get everyone off our ass? That's true. Nothing. And nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Nope. Your misery. Honestly, every time you have one of those quotes, it's like, we tried to fucking talk to him. He won't talk to us. That makes him happy. That makes me, like, that gives me four more months of, like, all right, I'm good. Sick pop.

But you're going to have to get that tattoo now. Maybe you have enough senseless tattoos now that you've got to get that one. We do have. I would like to go down the road, by the way, of every time someone calls in and tells you to get a tattoo, you have to do it. That's a fun road to go down. Let's do that.

That's a fun one. That is a fun road. That's got me intrigued. That's got me intrigued. Don't admit it. How about for a subscriber? Tattoo subscriber? Tattoo subscriber? Tattoo subscriber tattoos?

We could do that. Yeah. How about like every once a week? Or maybe like once a month? How about this? Whoever goes through the voicemails, you can submit your Feidelberg. You have to submit your regular voicemails. I don't want the whole voicemail line to just become tattoo ideas. You still got to tell your stories.

Still got to get good questions. And if you want, you can also submit Feidelberg tattoo ideas. And at the end of the month, we'll pick what we think is like the best one or the actual most, like, you know, funniest one or whatever. And you don know, you don't have to get them, but we could maybe have your whole body carved up with like listener ideas. I also do you feel the AC kick on right there? Why is it not on the whole time? Why does the AC kick on at 441 p.m.? The day's over.

The workday's over. Where was the air conditioning all day jackie no it wasn't at all at all during this episode no it wasn't because i can now feel it on it's now blowing on me it wasn't before no that's not how it works that's not how it works. That's not how it works. Speaking of, I was just emailing merch. Speaking of the Spicy PB&Js, we got a big fire logo again. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The Spicy PB&J shirts and hats.

Yep. Those are super cool. I think they should. I just texted to see if we could just put them on right now. But they're, those are logos I'd get tattooed. Like, fuck it. You should get the banana sticks and spicy PBJs. And spicy PBJs. Those are worth inking on your body permanently.

They are. They're very cool. They're very cool logos. No, that's like perfect shirt type material. Like, that's like a good t-shirt logo type shit. I'm trying to find it. Get your spicy PB&Js. We'll put those on sale.

If they're not on sale right now, as you listen, they'll be up soon enough. But submit your Feidelberg tattoo stories, tattoo ideas, and let's get a second voicemail. This guy looks like he's a... It's a KFC fights BC. Oh, yeah.

In all the production crew. I don't even know if BC's still there. He could just be behind the scenes. He's a kfc fights bc in all the production crew i don't even know if bc's still there he could just be behind the scenes the ghost bts bc um but early morning saturday at work listening to the it's always sunny podcast and i'm listening to glenn talk about his uh hollywood fantasies that he wants to do. Like, he wants to survive quicksand or know what that feels like. He wants to kick in a door, and he wants to chloroform a man, which, problematic.

So it was making me think of shit I wanted to do. So I wanted to, like, see if I could use the element of surprise and do, like, some spy shit and, like, sneak through a building with, like, security there. Knowing I'd definitely get caught. But I wanted to see how far I could get. Or, like, you know, the scenes in, like, hospitals where, like, nurses have to, like, pile on a guy to, like, inject him to knock him out. Like, see if he could resist that.

So it brings me to the question what's your hollywood fantasy and is it as stupid or problematic as glenn's thanks i'll hang up and listen boy that's a good one that is a great one um but first thing that came to me mine was jumping a car like like jumping a car yeah like jumping using using a car to do a jump Oh yeah, that's a great one You see that guy in Tesla did it for real? That was wild That was nuts Yeah, smashed into the car, that was parked and everything

There's the spicy PBJ logo, that is so dope Yeah Jumping a car is a great one Because it's also like relatively realistic Like that guy just wanted to do it, so he did it He found a big hill and he just fucking did it That was crazy Yeah

Like he came so close to flipping so close and i mean just smashed that other car up and just bounced right oh did he yeah i think so um the uh i don't know every drug probably up there although but you know there's like hollywood like moves if you will that like like i'd like to i'd like to tokyo drift sure that's a good one yeah basically i i've now that i've said two answers i'm realizing i'd just like to live the fast and furious it's basically what it comes down to i think i'm trying to think of some realistic things street race i'd like to uh run from the rock i'd like to like knock in the window pane and, like, reach through the lock. Oh, yeah. That's dangerous. Oh, I want to pick a lock.

I would like, like, picking locks drives me crazy in Hollywood movies when they just, they have, like, a fucking, you know, bobby pin and, like, a paper clip and they just put the two things in or they have the swipe, like, credit card picking locks, breaking that way. I want to break in to a place. Like, Glenn wants to kick in the way. I want to break in to a place. Like, Glenn wants to kick in the door. I want to pick the lock. Did you ever see The Nice Guys with Ryan Gosling?

Oh, it's a classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he tries to break in, knock the paint out, he ends up cutting his wrist. Yeah, yeah. It's a very dangerous thing. Right, exactly. They make it look so easy.

And it breaks perfectly. And then, yeah, I want to break into things. But definitely that locksmith shit is, like make it look so easy. It breaks perfectly. Yeah, I want to break into things. But definitely that locksmith shit looks so cool. Oh, I would love to also, I just want to steal things, I think, break into a safe where you put your ear up to it. What you're describing are like talents. You need to learn. I can just do the car thing.

No, that's my point. Glenn can just chloroform a man. But you need to learn. This is a skill. That do the car thing. No, that's my point. Glenn can just chloroform a man, but you need to, like, learn how. This is a skill. That's what I mean. In movies, they don't. It's like, you know, you're like a regular guy who's, like, stuck in a situation, and you're just like, I picked the lock. I got through. Or, like, I want to hotwire a car.

Oh, that's a good one. Pull it underneath and just, like, the first two wires that are right there, they just touch it together and you're good to go. Yeah, yeah. All of that stuff is probably wildly difficult. No one could ever do it, but they do it in like two seconds. Kicking in the door is a fun one. I'd like to break a bottle over someone's head. Oh, a nice bottling is a good one.

Yeah. Yeah. I want one of those moments, like a goodwill hunting moment where you're like, I don't know, you're at the bar, you're drinking, you're like,

yeah, like you're having some fight, some conversation that's escalating, you know what I mean? And eventually you're just like, I don't know, you say some stupid line, you know what I mean?

You'd be like, something you could say right before you bottle someone. Yeah. Heads up! I don't like it. I'd be like, heads up.

What do you mean? Heads up. What are you saying? I said heads up, man! I'm going to bottle you. Or it's like, clean that mess up. This one! Bottled you! Bottle you.

And then you're passed out, and I'm like, someone better clean this mess up. I want to bottle someone. It's like Rush Hour when he says, I forget the guy's name. He looks like Sisko, though. Yeah, that bad guy, right? Yeah, Chris Tucker throws a napkin at him and says, clean up the blood.

Yeah, good bottling. That's my Hollywood. You're bleeding bleeding i think it's what it is all right last voicemail looks like we got a this is gonna be a classic just i i think from now on we take a look at the thumbnail and we predict where we're going i think this is gonna be a classic when we look at this last voicemail is brought to you by better help better help is online therapy meaning you can text message phone call or video call with your therapist. So a lot of people call in and they ask us for help. And instead of doing that, you could just call a therapist. Whereas we say like, I don't know, fucking dumper.

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Nick? Jackie? So basically, I'm just wondering about your, with everything that's going on with Chris Rock and Will Smith, everything that happened last week, just kind of wondering about your most rage-inducing moments. I know, for example, one of mine was when I played lacrosse in high school. We had a black kid on our team, and during a game the other team one of the kids kind of said a racial slur towards them I didn't take that lightly and I proceeded to drop my gloves and drop my stick and run over there and had every intention of beating the shit out of them. However, uh, I proceeded to get the shit

beat out of me and, uh, did not fare well for me. Um, but I guess my, my question is here is, uh, what has been your most like rage inducing moment? Like the one thing that doesn't matter who it is, how it's said or what happens. Just one thing that just flips a switch in your brain that you are just in a rage. Do you have, I don't know if you have like a button like that, do you?

Oh yeah. You've always said if you do something to the girl you're with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, but that's just like, that's,. But that's just like a human thing.

I don't think that – I guess this one is just a human one as well. Yeah, but I don't know. I mean there's not everyone – not everyone is going to like throw down in that moment. Yeah, yeah. I had a kid in high school playing high school hockey. He kept calling me the K word, and for some, it made me really mad because I'm not. That's why I made you mad. I was like, he kept doing it.

We were playing in Northampton, I think. No, fuck, what was the name of the school? It was an outdoor rink. It was so sick. Yeah, it was fucking dope. It had a roof, but just a roof. That's very cool. They just saw that schnoz and kept fucking calling it.

I remember we were taking an opening faceoff and like someone was like cross country skiing by. This is sad. It was like snowing outside. That's unbelievable. It was a winter wonderland and this kid just kept calling me the K word. And I was like, bro, I'm like having a pretty nice day right now. Why are you going to be such a dick about it? But then he was like also he was so was so, like, he's like,

I'm a piece of shit and I don't care. So, like, as I would get madder, he'd call me more. And, like, I was like, dude, like, I get we're playing New England prep school hockey right now, so you can probably get away with that. Yeah, absolutely. The reps are probably like, yeah, get him, get him. But, like, why do you keep saying this so loud?

Yeah. It's a horribly offensive word. If there's a place you want to drop slurs, New England hockey rink, most of the crowd's going to be like, yeah, we agree. Someone get that kid a microphone. There's signs that say that shit in the crowd. That's probably the last time I was like enraged for a period of time I've had flashes of red

where like I don't even know what I did in the moment kind of deal I get those pretty regularly actually but they're very fleeting like what was the last one? I don't know I was like in a fight with my girlfriend or something and I just like threw something chopped her head off like god fucking damn it and then like immediately like what the hell was that

yeah yeah like a true blackout moment yeah you're nuts um the uh fly off the handle i feel like uh there's this time this guy made fun of my wife for having alopecia. It just fucking went crazy. Imagine if that was your answer. Imagine if that was, like, imagine if all that hadn't happened. Imagine if my story, I was like, this one time I was at a show, and this comic made fun of my wife's hair, and she had alopecia. He didn't even know it, though.

So I went up on stage, and I fucking smacked him in the face. People would be like, that's such a bad reason to do that. That reason sucks. I don't get, like, rage. I mean, that's not true. I do rage. But none of it's ever really been physical. By the way, we kind of glossed over it.

But getting your ass kicked by a racist when you try to stand up to racism yeah it's a tough scene yo yeah well that's where i'm gonna go beat racism today no you got racism kick my ass racism one racism's been undefeated for a long time man i almost feel like you're like the black all right fine you're right he is one that that would be the most demoralizing thing imagine that imagine you're getting your ass so beat by the racist that he's like he's like say it say it say it i'm not gonna stop till you say it and you just make someone say it you learn your lesson real fucking quick on stepping in to fight someone else's battle that much say it call him one you

pussy you look at him like Wesley Snipes, that meme. You're like, I'm sorry, man, but he's right. I feel like the black friend has to step in and help you out on that one. You kind of feel responsible here. What was he doing the whole time? Get him off my back, please. Jesus Christ. All right.

That's it. Let's get into our Tom Segura interview. It's brought to you by Schick. So Tom Segura is here. You know Tom, the water champ, Mr. Ladybug. He's got that shaved head. He probably Schicks that shit every night when he's trimming it down, keeping it nice and smooth.

And that's going to be Madam Feidelberg. We got to clean you up nice, because you officially lost the blade bet, so that means we're going to have to get you all smooth, all over, where we're going to shave your whole body. We're going to do the sensitive razor with the bamboo handle.

Speaking of my body, I did something earlier in this episode. I took my shirt up, and I intentionally stuck my stomach out really far. So if we could not screenshot those and send those around, that would be great. Okay, wait. Let me just step in. My co-host apparently has learned nothing about the internet.

And so if we could just teach him a lesson by explaining that the minute that you ask someone on the internet to not do something they exclusively do just that uh go ahead and photo go ahead and screenshot that belly whatever man if i look fat so what i'm about to shave my stomach and look hot anyway because that's the rule when you shave your stomach you look hot so i'm gonna i'm gonna get my blade i'm gonna shave my chest and then i i think i'll handle the chest myself i don't think i've unless you guys want. I'm going to shave my chest. And then I think I'll handle the chest myself. Unless you guys want to do it. I think I'll shave the chest.

Okay. And then, yeah. Shaving your legs? Yeah. I mean, you can shave. It's not going to be too hard. The shicks are going to cut right through this. But, yeah, you can shave the whole shebang.

Shaving? I don't want to do any of the shaving, to be honest. Okay. Like, shaving Feidelberg's legs is a gruesome thought. I just got a pedicure. Oh, yeah, I saw that. And Jackie was like, yeah, I'm good. I'm all set on that.

And that's when Pabst dropped the line every Friday, me and the homies shave each other's backs or something. So I think Pabst has experience here. I haven't shaved my dad's back since I was like 14. I got no problem with this My roommates say I have hairy backs Your dad is a fucking hairy-eyed guy He's like a grizzly bear, right?

You get out like a hedge clipper To shave Mr. Pabst's back You get out the fucking I've been shaving my dad's back since I was 14 Wow, that's a fucking line, man. All right, so you can shave it. He's only just stopped once he could beat his dad in an arm wrestling competition. Cavs will shave Feidelberg for the shit.

You will not need to use a blade in my back. My back's fine. Yeah, I mean, none of it's very, very hairy, but we will turn you into a wet cat because you officially lost the blade bet. Final count. Everybody did great. The month of March was our largest ever on YouTube for views and subscribers

minutes, like every stat that matters. Uh, we are the number one, um, YouTube channel. Like that's outside of, uh,

the, the barstool channel. And I think million dollars worth a game, right? Yeah. Those are the two. But as far as the rest of the in-house podcasts, KC Radio had the number one YouTube. So shout out to the Chicken Heads.

The channel grew 10% in a month. That's crazy. That's insane. Yeah. If we can do that, if we can keep that 10% clip up, let's go. Then John's going to be covered in tattoos. But it just shows, it's just like obviously we were doing the blade bet and that's why it matters

but and that's why it happened so quickly but it just shows how easy it is to fucking sign up log in click the button and the more we do that the faster we grow we'll continue to churn out more and more ridiculous content so we'll have the

triathlon soon. We'll have John getting tats. We'll come up with all sorts of different stuff. I think they're probably about to. Oh, she's... I only have told this story. So I'm going on vacation next week. And it's... My dad just

pulled the ultimate dad move. Not dad move, but the ultimate dad move. Not dad move, but the ultimate move of all time. So he, for Christmas, bought my mother and my two sisters a Paris vacation. And that was one of their Christmas gifts. What was your gift? A pair of boxing gloves or something? Bro, I don't even remember. It's remember hilarious but that was all just a slow play because then like two weeks ago he called me

and my brother like a month ago he calls me my brother and he's like hey it's kind of bullshit the ladies are going on vacation isn't it and and we were like you well you got it i was like i was like not really like i don't think so and he's and he still tries to pull it off he's like he's like ben and john were complaining the whole time yeah i was like bro i really. I don't think so. And he still tries to pull it off. He's like, Ben and John were complaining the whole time. I was like, bro, I never once complained that my mother and my two sisters are going to be gays. And he's like, I think the boys should hit Jamaica. We're like, okay, sounds right. That's a funny thing of all the places, too, though.

I love his move. I just don't know why I think it's funny that your dad picked Jamaica. He loves Jamaica. It's like me and the places too though like i love i love his his move i just don't know why i think it's funny that your dad picked jamaica he loves jamaica yeah yeah it's like me and the boys are going to jamaica i could see him if he said like we're gonna go hit the mountain we're gonna go skiing we're gonna go just like nah jamaica no we're going to that the resort that we were talking about with shane yeah yeah yeah yeah half moon what up dude that's that's a nice nice spot so uh that's a move by your dad, though. That's what he was doing.

He just puppeteered this whole thing. Like I said, he tries to tell me and my brother that we did it. I was like, I assure you, I didn't once complain that my sisters and mother got a Christmas gift. Like, I just didn't. Well, you'll be nice and sexy for Jamaica then. You'll be all shaved up. And you can get your Schick gear at schick.com, S-C-H-I-C-K.com. 20% off individual items, men's items, when you use code BARSTOOL.

One coupon redemption per customer. Supplies last. Terms and conditions, yada, yada. And they have the sensitive skin for the the dry skin for the hydro skin they've got the bamboo handle the five blades it is shaving from the future to keep you all nice and smooth and uh so again thanks to everybody who who subscribed during the month and uh keep it moving tell your friends uh it's tom segura on kfc. Let's talk to him. Hey, how you doing? I'm doing good. Are you not?

Are you hurting? No, I mean, a little bit. I'm just fucking dragging. Yeah. Well, I mean, Bert was with you, right? Dude, you should see him. You should see him. It's funny that you're still surprised by it. I mean...

Because even by his standards, it was crazy? He was really lit last night. It's so funny that're still surprised by it. I mean... Because even by his standards, it was crazy? Yeah, yeah. He was really lit last night. It's so funny that he still does it. I love it. He was fucking... Were you guys at a bar or a private... We went to a place, a private dinner, but after we had already been...

We arrived, he was already there, so I told him where to meet us. Uh-huh. And he was like, hey. we arrived, he was already there. So I told him where to meet us. Uh-huh. And he was like, hey. He looked like he'd been drinking. And look, guess what he had. To himself, from that point, he drank four bottles of wine. He's the best.

He's the best, man. So when we asked him, we go, how much have you drank? He'd go, his answer was all day. All day. Yeah. He goes, I've been drinking all day what's he been doing here so long because we interviewed him like it was that week it was that he it was spread out so he had like a gig out of town like you know Poughkeepsie or something and then he's like like, I have days off. But then he's in Brooklyn tonight, Albany, I think, Friday or Saturday.

So he's like, instead of going back to LA, he's like, I'll just stay in the area and do like 19 podcasts. And he's like trying to get me to do all of them. I'm like, I'm not you. Like, I don't want to do them all. Dude, he was on RU Garbage and he just pulled a toothbrush out of his pocket.

He had a toothbrush in his pocket. It's one of the most insane things I've ever seen in my life. He stole it from the Delta lounge. Or whatever, the lounge. He also told me he doesn't brush his teeth every day. Yeah. Well, you don't brush your teeth every day. Yes, I do.

You said you don't brush at night. That's crazy, too. No, it's not. It's way different to not brush at all. Not brushing your teeth at period. Why don't you brush them at night? It's just like, I'm going to not brushing at all. Not brushing your teeth at period. Why don't you brush them at night? It's just like, I'm going to sleep. They're going to get gross. He's going to wake up in the morning and brush them.

You guys are off on this. There's a lot more people who don't brush at night. Why wipe your ass? It's going to be gross. No, no, no, but you're going to sleep. Yeah, but that's letting it all sit in there all rotten. And then I just fucking clean it up. But you do that even like on purpose? It's not like on purpose. It's just

like if I'm going to bed, sometimes I'll just go to bed. It's like if I'm there, I'll do it. What if you like have a taste? Like if it's bothering me, I will clean it up. Yeah, but if it's just like a regular night, meh. I'm telling you, you're both wrong

and I bet you if you ask more... What percentage of nights do you brush your teeth? Before bed. I would say 2.5 out of 7. 2? I think you're saying 2.5% of nights. No, no, no. Close to half.

I bet you more people... If people were willing to be honest, which they're not, so you can never fucking do these polls and shit, you would I bet you more people, if people were willing to be honest, which they're not, so you can never fucking do these polls and shit, you would find out that more people don't brush their teeth

at night. Dude, I'm like pretty close to seven percent. If I get shit-faced, no, but. Yeah,

but you being on your high horse about anything remotely like hygienic or anything is crazy. I'm fucking hygienic as shit. He'll brush his teeth at night, but he'll wake up

like with a fucking melted chocolate bar in his mouth or on his ass or you know, crazy shit like that'll brush his teeth at night, but he'll wake up with a fucking melted chocolate bar in his mouth or on his ass or crazy shit like that. So it's like, shut the fuck up. That's like drug addict behavior. That's what I'm saying. He'll brush his teeth and then he'll wake up with Sour Patch Kids in his mouth. Joey Diaz

told me he ate like a 2,000 milligram thing. He's like, it wasn't good. I woke up with M&M's in my mouth. And he goes, M&M's in my CPAP. He's got the fucking mask on. There's M&M's in there. The mask is something special right there. I woke up with Tums in my mouth the other day.

I don't know if you know the new Tums, the ones that are like, oh, you know, they dropped new Tums. New release. You woke up with Tums in your mouth? Tums in my mouth. So this guy is talking shit to me. It's crazy.

They were like, the new ones, the hard shells, you got to sit. You got to let them like sit in your mouth a little bit before you can chew because they're really hard. You son of a. Bro, Mike. And then I just woke up and they were like, they were nice. They were perfectly melted, to be honest. It was like a real nice soft.

He'll wake up and like the freezer's open Drawers are open There's an empty ice cream thing And he doesn't like remember I brushed my teeth before But you brushed these So you're high and mighty Everything he did Is on accident

Yeah that's true I was unconscious It sounds like There are nights Where you're like I'm just going to bed There are so many nights Where I do that

And I have no problem with that That is a really good point Every time I go to sleep Without brushing my teeth It's because I didn't know I was going to sleep without brushing my teeth it's because i didn't know i was going to sleep yeah i i i don't think it's as big of a deal as you guys are making yo you uh you let a rip on twitter the other day yeah you went you went you went in on that one huh i mean you know

it's been bald look i think it's crazier that people think what I said is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, I'm like, it's, you know, it was, I actually feel like what's crazy is that more people, more people aren't actually writing similar things because it's wild to witness that whole thing. Well, we, we looked it up yesterday. Well, DeStefano was in and we looked it up like a New York Times poll or something like that. 52% of America is on his side.

Okay. Wait, whose side? On Will's. Being like, you're defending your girl. He said it best. He's like, what is this, like, medieval times where you have to, like, defend your lady? What the fuck are we talking about? We talked about it. I mean, I feel like it's a tired topic already.

But, like, there's a big difference between you're at dinner with your girl and somebody walks up to you and says something and you're like, what the fuck did you say? That's different than being like, I'm at a show. You're just watching and you're like, I didn't really like that joke.

I'm going to go hit him. It's the awesome. It's fucking wild. It's the one it's the craziest thing since run our test yeah the best way to really put an end to the whole argument is if it wasn't someone who you really like like will smith or someone big you would be like that is fucking ridiculous oh my god so the only reason you're even considering arguing against this is because it's someone special because it was just like a usher or something you'd be like no doubt If it was a you know, if I sure are you saying if I sure

Yeah, it was a mid-tier guy if I'm out of Hollywood forever And that's so that's the end of the argument and they also would have been drug out by his neck, right for sure Yeah, absolutely. I mean it was like we asked him to leave that's and then and then I's hilarious I do like the conversation about how big a star you have to be to do that it is a short list it is Will, Tom Cruise

Denzel DiCaprio Hanks Tom Hanks ever did it? people would have been like yeah but it's a really small list Hanks, first of all, if Tom Hanks ever did it, people would have been like, yes! But it's a really small list. There's an article in GQ where Brad Pitt described himself as a gazelle.

And they asked him, because he's like, we're in the open plains and lions are watching us. It was something over the top. And then they were like, how many gazelles are there in Hollywood? And he's like, there are maybe five of us. Which is crazy. And it's probably a little low seeing as what you just listed. They're all gazelles.

But he's one of, yeah, you don't have to be. That's how he described that level of fame. Yeah. I'm a gazelle. Which was so cocky.

That's pretty tight. And then to be like, they asked him and he kind of pauses and it's like, there's like five. Because he can actually think in his head,

like me and my few buddies. That's it. That's's like five because he can actually think in his head like me and my few buddies that's it that's fucking dope it is he came to my show last month really

in LA oh yeah you had pictures with him too yeah yeah and first of all like you are trying to

he does a good job of I think really famous people who obviously know they have an effect on a room yeah you know

some of them obviously maybe don't care to make you feel normal, but he does, he does, he makes the effort. He's like, ah, I'm so excited to be such a big fan. And I'm like, right. And. Does that fuck you up when you're on stage knowing that Brad Pitt's out there? No, because he did such a good job. Making you like.

Before, before. And he's like talking about it. And then at one point we're just he's asking me he's like is this what you do before the show you're just like

cause basketball you just watch basketball listen to music I'm like yeah and he's like you don't have to prepare I'm like

I'm prepared I'm good dude I was like I've been on tour for six months I'm prepared and he's like he's like

oh okay and you know they were just shooting the shit and then he's like alright I'm gonna go out there.

And so I have the security that I brought escort him, right? Is this in L.A.? In L.A. And so he has a bucket hat on. And his hair is up in it, right? So you see that. And then I go, yeah, man, I go, can you go anywhere? And he goes, check this out.

And he reaches in. And he has, like, an oversized mask. So, check this out. He reaches in and he has an oversized mask. He puts it on. You see this and then the hat's here and the hair's up here. I was like, holy shit. Then Ryan Sickler goes,

looks like Chad Pitt. The mask shit for them must have been the best thing that's ever happened. This dude, he sat through the whole show. Nobody knew. been the best thing that's ever happened this dude he sat through the whole show nobody knew after the show he comes back super gracious hangs out a little bit and then he goes we're going to another show

we're going to go to see some music thing and I was like cool and I was like oh yeah he can do this now especially right now he wants this shit to keep going I feel like he'll be able to do that forever I don't think anyone's going to think there will always be someone who's in a mask yeah yeah it won't be just be japanese people somebody will always be like it won't be like you'll just

it'll be like seven years from now you'll be like you can really knock it off you know but there'll always be people that are like yeah was he solo no yeah um he, yeah, it is wild, I think, to be around someone. And I did think during that Oscar shit, I was like, oh, yeah, he could be somebody. If they were like, leave, he'd be like, no. No. I'm going to eat pizza here. Right. Yeah.

I can take my dick out right now. My dominoes is on the way. And then also, can you imagine also the people who they send to ask you to leave at that are so intimidated yeah so they're like could you please maybe consider i asked i i asked leonardo de caprio to leave and he was like he shrugged yeah and then i bet you guys wouldn't even like acknowledge yeah what do you do like he pretended he couldn't hear me i was yelling in his face you have you have to send like the rock to Rock to be like, I'll pick you up.

Some guy doesn't give a fuck about you. I will physically remove you from here because no one else can. I know. It's a beautiful thing to see. I mean, I've had a couple security people we've brought to shows, and to see them remove somebody physically

that doesn't want to leave. Great. It's leave. Great. It's great. You sit there and enjoy it? Oh, I just stop and I watch. Cause of the scene. Do you point them out? No, it's always something I don't even know

what's happening. You're just like, what's happening? It happened consistently? No, it doesn't happen that. I think at rock shows it happens a lot. Yeah, some of the big venues. Sometimes I'll be like, that was a great show. And they're like, you know, we threw 17 people out.

And I'm like, what? Wow. We did one show a couple weeks ago, and they were like, did you see some lady barfed and then spilled? There's all sorts of nonsense that's going on, and we had no idea. We had a show at the Wilbur and afterwards this guy said this dude came down to the front where his friends were sitting, sat down with them, ordered a round of tequila

shots on their tab, did the tequila, threw up in a cup and walked away. I was like, that's a Will Smith move right there. That's a gazelle, dude. Left a cup of his puke on a stranger's table. Last time I did the Wilbur, it was a few years ago.

They go, we threw out this guy who was in the upper balcony part, the upstairs, whatever, higher up. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was the other one. Maybe it was at the Shavaya. It was in Boston. And I go, why'd you throw him out? And they go, he pissed in the aisle.

And I'm like, no. And they're like, he got up, just stood up, pissed. The piss runs down because it's down the balcony. And then he sat down, and we were like, you can't be here, man. I kind of like that shit happening now. Like, I kind of want that to happen at our shows a little bit. I don't know. We had the other kid I saw at a bar afterwards

who he had screamed during the second show. He derailed us. We're like, whoa, what the fuck was that? He's like, yeah, bro, security sucks. After I did that, they came over and were like, you can't be screaming. And I was like, they would want this. I was like, no, we don't want that.

No one ever wants it, man. By the way, that would be some baller shit if somebody in the Oscars stood up and took a piss in their seat and then sat down and was like... We got Kanye at the Grammys coming up. He might feel like he needs to upstage him.

You think that was cool? No one's talking about me right now? Yeah. Are you just going to tour until you're dead, dude? Probably. This tour is obscene. Are you like Walter White?

You got to get all the money in before you die or something? It's his fault. I mean, it's disgusting. It's a perfect name for the tour. It's hilarious, but it's also on point. You can't even read the font when you post your fucking promos. Dude, I know. I try to look at it week to week to look at it like week to week.

Like, I only, I'm only thinking about this week right now. Yeah. Because if you think about the whole thing. The legs, third leg. It looks like,

the third leg looks like a worldwide tour in its own right. It's insane. And then people have told me, like, so you're gonna take time off after this, right?

I'm like, yeah. I would never do it again. Like, forcibly. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, whatever. Was it just that, you know, you feel like you're at your peak and you just want to fucking rock would never do it again. Like, forcibly. Yeah, no, I mean, whatever. Was it just that, you know, you feel like you're at your peak and you just want to fucking rock? No, it happened honestly, like, kind of,

it happened, and then I didn't realize where we were at with it until it's already... I was just like, yeah. No, he told me. He's like, I got a jet ski, I'm buying this. I'm like, alright. You're welcome. It's just one of those things, like, by the time it was, like, booked got a jet ski. I'm buying this. I'm like, all right. You're welcome. It's just one of those things.

By the time it was booked, when you tour, you're like, where am I going this month? You start looking. And then all of a sudden, you see those promos. And you're like, yo, this is crazy. But I also feel like I got through. The tour started in August of last year. And we're getting into April. And I'm like, you know what?

We've done it. As long as you try to handle it week to week and month to month like the heaviest craziest part of my whole tour is April and May this up cut like where we're about to go in and once I get through that I feel like my summer is super manageable I have a lot of time off I'll get through the fall I think I'll be all right okay man yeah I'll be all right. Okay, man. Sure thing, dude. Just a full year of touring. You keep telling yourself that, man. I mean, you will be all right because you'll be a fucking billionaire by the way. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is my agent. This is my defense. Yeah. Not even in my defense. Go out and make the money. What are we doing? This is an agent.

Yeah. I'm both these guys' agents. They'll be working a lot more too. Yeah. No, but I mean, I'm both these guys they'll be working a lot more too we're doing a tour we do one show a month but there is I'm starting to understand the idea of if we do another show once you've got your act and your routine ready

it's like well I could just hang out tonight or I could just make a surgeon salary you know what I mean it's an easy decision that was a hearty chuckle you like so much so much money like you're so rich now dude it's wild it's wild and you really have nobody to you know there's no spotify there's no nobody telling you anything right so no yeah i mean you're an independent you're a problem man. You're too rich and independent. Well, it's a fucking great... I think Barstool actually laid the groundwork for this.

If you just do what it is you feel like doing and an audience comes with you, it doesn't matter. You can do what you want. Right. As long as your fans kind of outweigh the negative or the cancel or whatever, it doesn't matter. Okay, try.

And then you respect the fans, and whatever your product is, you put time and thought into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to go with you, man. We were just talking about Eric Church canceling his show for the Final Four. You see that? No. He's a country star.

He sold out the AT&T Center in San Antonio, but he's from North Carolina. He's like a diehard Tar Heels fan. He's a country star. He sold out the AT&T Center in San Antonio, but he's from North Carolina. He's like a diehard Tar Heels fan. He's canceling that. He did not go to UNC. Went to Appalachia State. Appalachia State. But Duke's playing UNC.

They've never met. It's the Final Four, Coach K's last game, and he just said, fuck it. He didn't even lie. He put out a statement and said, this is the most selfish thing I've ever done in my career, but I'm going to the game, and I think it's fucking awesome. That's pretty badass, actually.

I respect the fuck out of that. You should probably reschedule rather than flat out cancel. But also, it's just like, I don't know, man. This is a super important thing to him. The same way you're a fucking diehard fan of him, this is his thing. I don't know. And it's truly once in a lifetime.

That's the point. Not everyone's... People are going to watch that or hear that, people who are fans of his, and not grasp. It's a game. That is... When he's 60, he'll remember... You could retire being a Carolina fan. If you win this game, that's it.

You'll never... If you end Coach K's career... You literally never have another game that will ever get you up like that again. I went to school in North Carolina. I went to a small school. You get infected by the rivalry, even living in the state. And like that, man.

That game is going to be... It will be electric in that arena. In New Orleans, too. Fuck Duke, though, right? I mean, yeah. I had to make sure of that. No, yeah. I was a big... But I In New Orleans, too. Was that? Fuck Duke, though, right? I mean, yeah. Just had to make sure of that. No, yeah, I was a big, but I'll say this, man. I did get a tour of Cameron at Duke, and, like, man. Sick.

It was fucking awesome. Like, the history, the staff there, they were cool. And they talked shit, you know, about Carolina during the tour. Like, it's fun. Like, I'm not diehard, diehard. You know, I enjoy the rivalry. Right. tour. It's fun. I'm not diehard. I enjoy the rivalry. And it's so fun. The guy's giving me the tour. He's like,

this one beat the fuck out of the Tar Heels. You're like, alright. He's talking all this shit. And then I, because I went to school there, a lot of my friends are from North Carolina, and they saw me post about it, and they're like, why the fuck would you go on that tour? I'm like, what?

I'm like, I'm in Durham tonight. And they're like, but I can't believe you checked that place out. I'm like, it was amazing. They're like, it sucks. And they wouldn't even admit that I'm like, it's a cool tour. Gary sucks. They are like a sick people. Oh, man.

What's something you would consider canceling an arena for? I mean, dude, I don't know if I would do that. Because I've never, I've always been like, if there's something I enjoy, I just look at it like you're going to work. I don't get to cancel work. But like, fuck.

I guess if... Is there like a rap show you would do it for? No, if my wife was pregnant again, but it would be a different father because I had a vasectomy. my wife was pregnant again but it would be a different father because I had a vasectomy. So I'd be like, you'd be a real good dad if you were,

you know, you'd be showing up for that. I'd be like, you're a real good man. Whose dad is it? I don't know. I'd be like, why didn't you tell me?

I don't know for a game because like I said, I'm a big FSU fan and like, I went to that national championship game in 2013 which was a fucking awesome experience. I don't know for a game. Because like I said, I'm a big FSU fan. I went to that national championship game in 2013, which was a fucking awesome experience. I don't think I would cancel shit to do that.

I mean, the reschedule is the move, right? Yeah, I think so. So I don't know why you wouldn't. It's kind of even more badass. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, done. I don't want to play in San Antonio anyway. I wish I loved something that much. Yeah, right. I can't. Well, the San Antonio anyway. I wish I loved something that much.

Yeah, right. I can't. Well, the other side of it is all these people being like, I bought plane tickets and hotels, and we're flying across the country. And I'm like, what are you doing flying across the country for every church? I don't like, somebody asked me,

what would you fly across the country and do all that for? And I was like, not a thing. Not a person. Is that the only show he was doing? I don't know. I mean, he's touring. People have told me this before. Why the fuck would you fly across the world? Is that the only show he was doing? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, he's touring. People have told me this before. Why the fuck would you fly to San Antonio?

There's got to be a better place to fly to. Yeah. Right, he's got other shows. If you're already making a trip out of it, to LA, Miami, whatever. Yeah, San Antonio. People have told me things about when things have happened and something has to get rescheduled

or they'll be like, I had flights and hotels. And I'm like, okay. That's your fucking problem. That's how this works. You chose to do this, too. You click no on the flight insurance. Yeah. Honestly, that's your fault.

That's your fucking problem, man. It's like, tonight you're going to be happy or I'm going to be happy. And I'm picking me. So, sorry, dude. Do you want me to reschedule it for you individually? Fuck that, man. Come by the hotel.

I'll run through the set for you. Crazy. Crazy. You get your... Has your birthday come up yet? No. It's in a couple weeks. Couple weeks.

But you know what you get at this point, right? I mean, relatively... I thought I knew and then he's been like... Koi with it? Yeah. And talking in like, you know, codes thought I knew, and then he's been like coy with it. Yeah, and talking in like, you know, codes. And I'm like, so I try not to even think about it, you know.

I mean, the way he's posed it to us is that he's just basically getting a new business for your birthday. That's what he said. He said, I'm buying Tom a present that is a new business for me. Well, you know. He goes like... Burt doesn't know what he's saying a lot. But he's also... It's kind of what's endearing

and fun about him is he'll say something that you would dismiss as like, you're a dreamer. And sometimes it actually works out. When you guys first talked about Two Bears Racing,

he mentioned Barstool, and I'm telling you, that's a real thing, I think. I'm not saying you're going to be in fucking Monaco with Lewis Hamilton or something. Bert's like, we absolutely will be. He goes, you could probably be an F1 driver. I was like, listen, look, man. I go, I don't think.

He goes, no, no, no. You love to drive. You're a good driver. F1. I go, that's not love to drive. You're a good driver. F1. I go, that's not how this works. You're a basketball player. You're going to be on the floor with Steph Curry, dude. Do you know how big that car would have to be?

Yeah, do you think you could fit in an F1 car? It would look like the Mario Kart where the dinosaur is driving. Bowser. Bowser and Mario Kart. You could get through the bananas real good, though. I wouldn't be able to do turn one. Like, I know this. Like, I know this.

I honestly didn't. I don't have great knowledge of racing or F1 or anything like that. But he was like, yeah, Tom's our driver. That's what's crazy. I do believe that. And I just took his word for it. Until right now where you're telling me that that's an impossibility. No, like, I've done track days. I do believe that there could be... I just took his word for it until right now where you're telling me that that's an impossibility. No, like, I've done

track days. I enjoy it. But, like, we're talking about, like, you know, these are the best... I was telling Bert, I go, these kids were driving kart racing, like, at six and seven. Like, this is their life. They've done thousands of races. And he's like,

you can do it. I'm like, yeah. You'll be with those friends. You'll be with can do it but they're so frustrated yeah yeah like dude just meet me in reality for fucking 10 seconds baseball team and he's like you're the pitcher yeah yeah I think you like you pitching yeah I've seen you throw a ball yeah you could have two bears racing with a race a guy well yeah I thought you'll have a racing company. Matt Farah, the smoking tire, he goes, I have a – he goes, I know this race, like whatever it's called, league or something. He goes, it's for amateurs, and it's fun.

And like doing that, you'll get like a kick out of that. And I was like, oh, like you're the normal. Thanks, Matt. But Bert's like – and I'm like but i mean competing against like ferrari and he's like yeah there will be some guy coming up who's who's a professional level racer who's a fan of you guys yeah who will would would be willing to work with you as like you know if you could race for mercedes or some shit no but if you're like middle level or low level and it's like i could either do this company or tom do you i think that that could happen too and i have i actually have a a couple friends that are professional race car

drivers one at a super high level and one like you know like competitive level and you know they they're both like yeah dude this is a black like a black... Like, don't think... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you don't have to tell me. How big do you have to be to... Like, could you possibly fit into the car? Yes. Yes? Yeah, I could fit into a car.

Like, you could fit... Like, I can't get, like... I don't know if they're jockeys. Like, how big is Lewis Hamilton? I have no idea. Here's the thing. I could fit in the car. I wouldn't be able to move in the car.

You understand? Yeah. Like, it would just be like. Like, we had to push you in? I'd be like this, and they'd be like, move your arm. And I'm like, I can't. Like, that's how it would be. It would be like that.

No, I'm doing that part. Very snug. Very snug. Like a latex suit. You could just go straight. Yeah. Can't turn. Idle.

Idle speed. You can't even move your feet. Bert doesn't turn. Idle. Idle speed. You can't even move your feet. Bert doesn't understand the speeds, too. I'm like, bro, this guy just did this turn at 190. And he's like, do it. Well, that's because the first half of his life, he was doing incredibly stupid shit. Yeah. When he was like, yeah, I flew a plane, I jumped off of a mountain and I, you know.

He's done a goddamn bear. He's done a bunch of stupid shit that it's like you would have said that was impossible too. The guy who's afraid to fly flew a fucking plane. What is that? I mean, what kind of idiot does that? You're an idiot, man. You created a mind.

Do you think you guys will just do this until you're dead? The podcasting? Yeah. We really are the people doing this for the first time. There's radio and there's something comparable. But what we're doing really isn't. So we started when we were 25. He was like 22.

And are we going to just be like 65 doing the same shit? I don't know. I haven't thought about it like that. How stern. I mean, as long as there's an audience, why? And if the money just keeps growing and someone's like, we'll give you $100 million a year, you're like, well, again,

I could just sit around with my family. Or I could do this for $100 million. It's pretty fun to do, man. It's pretty fucking easy. Once you find your groove and shit and you're successful. If we do it another decade, maybe Bert will let me talk. I think we'll have a good time. You've got the easiest world.

You sit in front of everything and the money just rolls in. I don't even try to anymore. You're not even saying anything. I go, yeah, I've accepted the relationship. Well, he was telling us a story about one of the episodes you guys did. And we're talking about, again, just not facing reality.

Where you guys, not shared, but you both did butt plugs. Yeah. What do you say? What do you mean? You just did it? Yeah, you did. You did the podcast with butt plugs in? Well, I was kind of like, it was between my cheeks.

Was it inserted? Not fully. Why not? It break the seal? What, are you some sort of pussy? I mean, I didn't have any lube. Well, that's your problem. Get a nice loogie on it.

Come on. We've been around the block before where there wasn't any lube around. It was... A nice word of cologne will get it done. It was... It was a nice pulse. Yeah. Like, different settings.

Oh, yeah. It's like electrical. It was high-level shit. Yeah, that's what scares me, too. It was weird to look at him and, like, want to come. You know? Like, that was... One of the craziest feelings.

That's a mindfuck. You're drinking milk and you think you're getting orange juice. You're looking at Burt and you want to come. I'm looking at Burt and I'm like, it was gnarly. That's, I think, the real question. Forget about how long do you do this. Where does it go?

Even look at the birthday gift thing. By year three, you guys are going to be spending a million Because the ante, even look at the birthday gift thing. By year three, you guys are going to be spending a million dollars each on each other. We have to slow down. You have to. We have to. You have to be the adult

in this situation and put your foot down because you will just spend all of the money you have. I'm going to find out what, well, I'll find out the gift soon and I'm going to be like, all right.

Cap it. Yeah. Maybe even start. Make sure it's after your, yeah, you get the gift. Maybe even start going backwards. I know that his wife, like, his wife is like, y'all are doing what? Yeah.

Well, we went through both your wives being not allowing you to fuck Adriana Cechik. That was so lame. Fucking the lamest. I mean, you guys were even gracious enough to offer these alternatives, and they still wouldn't do it. Dude, I told her, I was like, you want to do a blow bang, go for it. She's like, no thanks. Bro, offering your wife a blow bang is

lewd. I was trying to be a fucking cool husband. Yeah, Adriana was so cool. I mean, like genuinely like so fun and um she was you know did you have her on the show or just no no we'd love to but she was like you know just like she was like cracking jokes to us about it on twitter and and she was like step it up let's see you guys fucking dp me You see her tweets about her neck? I've seen.

I think I read. The most gangster shit ever. I read like a blur, like an actual article that said that. She has like a fractured, permanently damaged C4, C5. And it's from. And she was like, and I know for a fact this is from the pile driver. From the pile driver. And she was like, and I'm not going to stop doing it. She's like, it's my move.

How can I stop? Go shit. And then I saw some like a thing that said like fans were like, please like not going to stop doing it. She's like, it's my move. How can I stop? Go shit. And then I saw a thing that said fans were like, please take care of yourself. Like, you've done enough. And she's like, I'm not going to fucking quit. She will die on a point set. She had her teeth shaved.

You know that? Yeah, she's gangsta. She had her back teeth shaved so she could fucking deep throat easier. It's amazing. I mean, routinely, you don't even brush yours. Routinely blows her fucking Uber driver.

Could you imagine you're an Uber driver, you pick up Adriana Cechik and you're just like, it depends on what date it is. I hope she's in a good mood. It's more fun to imagine the ones that don't get it. Yeah, exactly.

They're like, what's wrong with me? Does she know I don't brush my teeth every night? You wouldn't give one? I'm sure I wouldn't. I would just be like, wait, are you there? And she's like, I'm not. I don't really feel like it. I get that a lot, but no, it's not me.

I would love to be like, I'm going to let Deidre blow me out. I don't know if I could. You think you could just be like, all right, I've dropped you off at the destination. Come up front and you're going to suck my dick. Could you be ready to rock? No. Full honesty, I don't think it's happening.

I think Adriana's, at least my estimation, is that it's very much how she's feeling and that some people just win that lottery sometimes. And you don't get to plan for it. I don't think asking for it works. I think it's just like things just... I don't think you get to say no to it.

I don't think so either. If she's in the mood, it's going to happen. I had told this story a couple of times. I had it a couple of years ago. Probably 10 years ago now, 11 years ago. Christy Mack, who's a porn star. Fantastic.

She's a friend of mine. who's a porn star. Fantastic. You might be familiar with her. Yeah. She's a friend. She's a friend of mine. She's a friend? Really? Yeah, yeah. So she sent a tweet, again, probably 10, 11 years ago, where it was like, I'll suck the dick of someone who makes me a Lego toy.

And she said she was at a bar that night. And she happened to be in Boston. And I was living in Boston at the time. And then it was really like stars aligning. There also happened to be at the Boston Museum of Science maybe or Kids Museum or whatever, a Lego exhibit. So I went, did some research, found out how to make some great Legos, went to the Lego store in Faneuil Hall. You went to the museum? Yeah, bro.

You checked the video. I'm looking at like fucking statues of Legos. And then I go to the Lego store, buy a couple of Lego statue, whatever, toy things, make them for her, drive them to her at like the event she's hosting at the bar. And the whole time there, I was like panicking. I'm like, what if she sucks my fucking dick? Like, what if she agrees to suck my dick? This is going to be, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get hard. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. That's harder than you think, man.

Everyone was like, yeah, we fuck her. It's like, would you, though? Because that's a fucking. And? And then I presented her the two Legos I'd made, and she said she had to talk to her lawyers first. That's very endearing, though. Yeah, it really is. She was probably like, wow, you really fucking did it, man.

You really did. And she tossed it behind the table on a stack of Lego toys and it lied out the door. I got to talk to my lawyer. He was first. Oh, my God. I'm going to cut it short. Tom's going to get to the show.

All right. Thanks, man. Yeah. That going to cut it short. Tom's going to get to the show. All right. All right. Thanks, man. Yeah. That was really quick. Okay. Goodbye. All right. Check out the third leg of the I'm Coming Everywhere tour.

Tom's coming everywhere. Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate's going to be where in August? Here in New York. Where? Oh, yeah, yeah. Union Hall, August 13th and 14th. There you go.

Thanks, man. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.