KFC Radio - Uncle Feits and The Kids

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Fun Uncle Feits hosts and is joined by KFC Radio kids (aka the production and social team), and they each have prepared three topics - Feits did a BDSM commercial, unnecessarily - celebrities have signed a petition to end Covid-19 - Pavs' Topics - Yeezy's, Man Shoves Eel in Anus, Panthers halftime 69 post - Zack's Topics - getting broken up with, sleepwalking story pt. 1, sleepwalking story pt. 2 - Josh's Topic - wedding date dilemma - Nick's Topics - is Dumbledore gay?, getting kicked out of college, joining the circus - Jackie's Topics - why she didn't prepare enough topics, Adderall AITA, kissing banana slugs Voicemails - incest - if cum tasted good - dream podcast team - three songs to bring with you Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Wake up with my fucking dick in my hand, my laptop unborn. All right, let's not talk again. Bienvenue and welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome to K... Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to KFC. Welcome. Welcome. Fucking welcome, everybody. Welcome. It feels weird when I say it like that. Well, welcome to KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Today's episode is going to be even worse than the last one. That's a fucking promise. Because at least Casey was kind of an adult in the room There's no adults in the room this time Kevin is still not here So it is like the drunk uncle with the kids And I'll tell you what

I was just over served at lunch It wasn't alcohol it was just food But I'm downtrodden anyway I'm rather full I just ate a bunch of food from down the street Yeah I got low energy right now I just had a big steak sandwich I had a bunch of arugula.

Hate arugula. Terrible green. They even put dressing on it. It's fucking nonsense. But welcome anyway. After last episode, I did learn from Casey that Casey's Instagram comments are being flooded

with people just saying welcome. And boy, it would be ashamed of that continued so this is me asking everyone to stop commenting welcome on all of Casey's Instagram posts and if you don't know

what that moment of silence was for it wasn't for soldiers it was for me to wink at the camera and say keep commenting It wasn't for soldiers. It was for me to wink at the camera and say, keep commenting. Okay. Now, like I said, this episode is going to be really bad. So if you want to just turn it off, that's okay, too. I have – so before, with Casey, we kind of did a hectic episode.

I, last weekend, I did something on Friday night. I went to Atlantic City. It got posted on Instagram. I don't know if it's kind of a thing yet. This will be a subtle announcement. Me and Marco Barrett are doing a show together. Subtle about it. Yeah, that was very subtle. And we did episode one in Atlantic City on Friday.

It's not going to be on for a long time, I don't think. So I don't care about saying it. Yeah, we got a lot of work to do on Friday. It's not going to be on for a long time, I don't think. So I don't care about saying it. Yeah, we got a lot of work to do on that. But the Atlantic City was... It's the saddest place I've ever been. And I've been to third world countries.

I've been to multiple third world countries in the third world parts of them. And it was more depressing going to Atlantic City. Why? It was... Well, first of all, we went to a show. We stayed at the Hard Rock. We stayed at a hotel there.

You shared a room with Nate, right? No, we connected. Oh, okay. We didn't share a room. Gotcha. But I went to dinner at a place called Sugar, which had a bunch of pictures of celebrities all over the place, which, if you know anything about food,

if there's a lot of pictures of celebrities, the food is going to fucking suck because they're selling something else. And they came out. I got salmon. When they came out, it looked like prison slop, and I couldn't decide if the chef recognized me as someone who's fucked his wife and was wondering if he was going to come out and spit in my face or do something that's even more insulting and serve me that slop.

But then the real bad part of it came the next morning when I had to rent a car, and I took a cab through Atlantic City, and it was... It's depressing very quick. I don't even think quick's the right word. It's immediate. It's faster than quick. It's the second you walk out of anything.

If you're if you're in a if you're in a building without windows, maybe it's not that depressing. But if you can see outside for even a second, it's the saddest fucking place in the world. But one part really rang. Like it really it was the beacon on the hill of depression. The shining light on the hill of depression. What president said that to America? FDR? FDR sounds right.

No, it might have been even older than that. But we're seeing with the shining light on a hill is what America was. But anyway, it was the shining light on the hill of depression. It was a fucking – I was at a red light in an Uber going to rent a car. And the buildings were completely dilapidated.

And it was – one was a strip club. And then right next to that building was like a by-the-hour motel. And then across the street was a divorce center. then the next and then the next building was a pawn shop it was like a video not a video it was like a board game like a monopoly board to divorce where it was like okay you're at the strip club bang you're the stripper you go to the motel you fucker walk across the street the divorce center which by the way for 399 dollars they'll get that divorce done In four to eight weeks If you got a kid

Extra hundred bucks $499 $499 They get that thing done And on the One of the windows It said Both spouses

Need a sign So You just You fuck it You go to the strip club Fuck the stripper The motel Go to the divorce sign They're like Don't even you fuck it. You go to the strip club, fuck the stripper at the motel, go to the divorce

sign, they're like, don't even tell the wife, just go pop to that pawn shop next door, sell the wedding band, we'll make the call, see you later, have a nice life. It is, you can be, you can walk into this door, I would bet it's 200 feet between the four doors. You can walk in this door, and in an

hour, and 75 steps, you can be divorced and not have a family anymore. Guarantee the same guy owns all four. It is a fucking brilliant business plan. It wanted the all-time. Like, Henry Ford started the fucking assembly line. This is the assembly line to divorce and sorrow. In fact, it would only be better if they had a gun shop

next door to the pawn shop. Actually, no. It should be a bar, and then when you get drunk and realize what you've done, then a gun shop. A jar? Piggy bank jar. Piggy bank. Reagan, by the way. President Reagan.

It was Reagan. How about that? You got a dollar? Hell yeah. Thank you, sir. What a ridiculous... I think I just... Honestly, the second thing I was going to say today was that I've caught up on Ted Lasso

and I can't tell if Ted Lasso got depressing or I'm depressed. I think you answered that one. Actually, on the way to the office just now, I bought one ticket to Jason Isbell Friday night. So I think we got the answer. You're going by yourself? Elephant starts playing, you're going to be by yourself? I'm going to Dirty Circus.

We're having a different weekend. What's a Dirty Circus? It's a bunch of naked people dancing, doing a circus. Sounds fantastic. Oh, yeah. Sounds like a great time. What's a dirty circus? It's a bunch of naked people dancing, doing a circus. That sounds fantastic. Oh yeah, it sounds like a great time. Where is this? House of Yes.

Where? House of Yes. What is that? I don't know, it's a club. In New York City? Yeah. And everyone's naked in there?

It's like stripping mixed with circuits. Are you going to be naked? No, I'm not. I'm no longer in the circus, so I will not be. Oh, the circus people are naked. I thought even the whole place was naked. Oh yeah, no, it's going to be naked? No, I'm not. I'm no longer in the circus, so I will not be. Oh, the circus people are naked. I think the whole place is naked.

Oh, yeah. No, it's going to be like people are. What day is this on? I think Saturday. Guess who Saturday is open? Come on down. So everyone's naked, just like. I think it's like.

Like, all right, so dude's doing flips with dicks out. So I think it's kind of like, do you remember that club we went to in Miami? Eleven. Yeah, eleven. So like the people doing like acrobats. The most famous club. You know how things roll away and mentions every breath? But yeah, no, we're going on Saturday.

I have no idea what to expect. But from the pictures, it looks like, yeah, people flip around with dicks out. Dude, I can't even dry my dick without hurting it, so doing flips with it is impressive. The fucking weird thing, it's at like 8.30.

8.30pm? Yeah. It feels like a 3am event? I assume so. People are going to be whipping their dicks out. I'm like, this is the last thing I want to do in the night, but instead it's like my pregame is going to be going to this, then I have to follow it up with, I don't know what I'm going to do. You can't have sex with a circus person.

True. Wait, can I see a video of this? Or at least a photograph? I'm picturing, is this a regular-ass circus, like the box or I think it's like it's more like the box it's more like the box okay so someone's gonna shoot heroin into their penis here this is the Instagram yeah I want to see the porn of highlights all right well Nick's looking for this we can start real quick we can do it's kind of circus-esque I imagine imagine, dirty circus-esque.

These two kind of subjects go together. I recorded a BDSM commercial unnecessarily. I got sent one screenshot of me trying to help you put the ball gag in your mouth. I'm like, what's going on here? I'm like, I just – I didn't even think about it. I just went to help you like you were gag in your mouth like what's going on here i'm like i just i didn't even think about it i just went to help you like you were putting on a bow tie well like i just walked behind you i was like oh here i got you yeah yeah it's it's uh it's first of all i am not good i got a beginner's ball gag and let me tell you what beginner's ball gag is pretty fucking big pretty

big it's like uh it's like wood or something it's's hard as shit, and it fucking hits you. One of them, the one I was going to get, well, not going to get, the one I saw was it was a penis. So it's a penis that gets jammed down your throat. I feel that, sir. Zach, we're going to get to you. We're getting there. We're getting there.

What is this? I mean, that's just a guy in a stripper pole, but circus-y. If you just go to Hell's Kitchen, you can find like 15 of them. Yeah, this is just... Nick, you're going to a gay show. Yeah, you're going... There's nothing wrong with that. That's what I'm finding out.

Let's call it... That was a gay man dancing on a stripper pole. You're going to a gay bar. That's exactly what that is. Gay club. That on a strip You're going to a gay bar Gay club Not the first one I've gone to I'm not saying you're right I've been to gay bars I've never been to a gay strip club

But anyway Back to me being tied up So The sad boy sneakers Which we obviously are going to be Restocking Because the goal of this isn't To have fucking

Rare shoes Where you get fucked on the sneakers drop When we put these out I was thinking maybe it sells out in a week And that would be pretty cool I did not expect them to sell I think the official time was 7 minutes I don't know exactly what it was I think that's like i think kanye said it when he first started making easies

which obviously i'm not comparing them to where he was like look like when i drop an album i don't want like a select few people get it i want everyone to be able to get it so everyone who wants a pair of sad boy sneakers will be able to get a pair of sad boy sneakers that is a solemn promise to you i would sign up for the wait list because, as I understand it, the wait list is probably currently already bigger than our next order. So I don't even know if there's going to be another quote-unquote drop. I think they're going to go on sale, and then everyone on the wait list will get an email, and everyone on the wait list is going to buy them, and they'll be sold out again.

But I would join the wait list. That's what I'm saying. They're awesome. They went really fast. It was very, very cool. I was beyond proud. Not proud because fuck me. Surprised.

I don't know the word to use for it, but I was happy. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. There was honestly a three-hour window yesterday. I was happy. Dead serious. Love it. I want to hear that.

I'm not lying. I swear to God. I was happy. There was like three hours yesterday. I was like, three-hour window yesterday. I was happy. Dead serious. Love it. I want to hear that. You're not lying. I swear to God. I was happy. I was there like three hours yesterday. I was like, this is fun. I was like in the bathroom. I was like, fuck yeah, baby. I was excited.

That's long gone. Don't worry. Was that ended by lowering the bar? Because I saw you over there. Was that ended when you went to lowering the bar? Yeah. I can't. No, it's chicken liver.

It's fucking terrible. But actually, you want to know when it ended? When I had to buy my own sad boy sneakers. the bar yeah i can't well no this is it's chicken liver it's fucking terrible um but actually want to know when it ended when i had to buy my own sad boy sneakers so when i said hours i lied it was about three minutes where i was very excited how they because we were getting updates from like our merch people who were like holy shit 150 already went how many shit 200 already went holy shit 400 already went holy shit like why am i saying horny trying to say holy. Holy shit. Holy shit. Welcome.

But the merch was blown away. Everyone was blown away. So thank you very much to everyone who bought them. That's including thank you to me. Because I had to buy my own goddamn sneakers that sold out in six minutes. And you want to know the only reason I bought them? Because my siblings asked for a pair, and I didn't have the fucking heart to tell them

that I can't get my own pair of sneakers. So I bought a pair of sneakers that I'm going to give to my siblings and pretend that I got them for free. Oh, no. That is the state of me. That's sad boy season. That is That is the state of me That's sad boy season That is fucking perfect

I bought three pairs Of sad boy sneakers In order to give away So my siblings Who are younger than me Don't think less of me Don't think Fuck

Our brother is a loser pushover Who can't get his own sneakers Which sold out in six minutes for fucking free. I'm not going to lie to you. I do this every single Christmas when people are like, can you give me this from the office? I'm like, no, I buy all my own. It's like I don't have the balls to go up to somebody and be like, hey, can you give me that for free? I was wearing the drunk on solitude hoodie yesterday.

I just stole off the mannequin because I was afraid to ask you. I get it. Asking me would just end in me being like yeah definitely get you and never sending me not because i don't want to give one to you it's just i don't know emails are a whole thing the other day when you said like 200 p or somebody people from work already emailed allison like asking for free ones i'm like we could do that yeah like apparently and they all she said no to everybody, but apparently that's a thing you can just do. But anyway, the

sex toy thing was, you know, I don't regret it, but I wish it wasn't out there. Does that make sense? That almost sounds worse. Like, I was horny in the moment.

I wish there wasn't a fucking camera around. I also wish I fucking wore, like, boxers that day because I think you guys quote tweeted something, whoever was doing that, and it was just a still shot of me and in briefs in a dungeon. I was just like, man, that's a picture that's gonna be there that picture is out it's a picture of me where you can see my dickhead

and i have an executioner's mask on and a ball gag in my mouth i think it's gonna be the like that's gonna pick up as a meme. And my dad texted me yesterday. He was proud of me. Thankfully, he's not on the internet. He doesn't know what that means. He just heard about sneakers and said, proud of you, kid.

Dad, you know what I had to do but didn't actually have to do to sell those things. My mom's on Twitter and I'm waiting for that text. Like, what is this? Tell John to put his penis away. What if your mom just texted you,

so, Feidelberg's circumcised. I'd ban her on Twitter. I'd just block her on everything. I know who she does. Mrs. Hamilton. I'm actually not circumcised. I just happen to be hard at the moment And I also am not like thrilled that

I was shirtless for the whole thing I don't know Just I That was you That was all you Oh it's all me Yeah the whole thing was my idea

I have so many ideas that I hate The alternative would have just been You sitting in the shower Yeah We were just gonna to do that. It was easy to get soaking wet or get abused. I'll always take abused. But it would have been nice

to just, if I could, instead of having my fucking gross body out there, if I could have just had on some Cuts clothing, if I could have had on a t-shirt that made me look slim and fucking yolk-deasy, that would have been a lot better. Also probably would have helped with the goddamn

cat-of-nine-tails. Instead of that just ripping into my bare skin. But Cut's clothing is... I mean, we've been pumping Cut's clothing for four years, five years. It's been a long time. It's a classic men's fashion staple.

It's a plain tee. Anyone wearing graphic teeses which i probably wore yesterday uh but it doesn't it's not conducive to this ad read so shut up is a goddamn loser okay you gotta have the plain t it is it is a true staple you have to have it with everything in fact i got some plain tees today when i walked in because cuts had a nice little box for me on my desk. They also have polos, hoodies, crewneck sweatshirts because it's damn close to crewneck sweatshirt season. Made for the man who works hard, plays hard, and never settles for less.

You can wear them to the club. You can wear them to the bar. You can wear them to work. You can wear them to the gym. They're perfect for everything. It is not just a lifestyle. It is not just clothing. It's office leisure apparel for the sport of business. How about that? Bidness.

If you want to do bidness, if you show up in a Cuts t-shirt, people know you mean business because your arms look jacked. You look awesome. You look skinny. You look fit. You look sexy. You're all of it. Get 15% off your first order by going to CutsClothing.com slash Clancy. That's CutsClothing.com slash Clancy.

That's CutsClothing.com slash Clancy. C-L-A-N-C-Y. I don't know why I spelled that. You probably know how to do it. You're listening to his show. For 15% off the only shirt worth wearing. Now, because... Oh!

I forgot about a hugely important thing. A hugely important thing. A hugely important thing. The celebrities are out of the game. The celebs have gone and done did it. I'm going to pull up the article. I'm just going to read this article, I think, because this is one of those things where I read the headline and I thought, I mean, there's just no way this can be true. This has to be the New York Post kind of doing things that everyone on the Internet does where it's you trying to make things a slightly more inflammatory.

And and if anything they downplayed it. So good for you New York Post. The headline says Anne Hathaway, Sierra and more stars sign open letter to help end the COVID-19 pandemic. And this is the article. I'll tell you the writer, too. Sure. Samantha Ibrahim. I don't know why I said it like that.

I thought you nailed it. Yeah, probably. Yeah. It's not Abraham, but it's Ibrahim. The COVID-19 pandemic is still raging on. Nearly two years after the disease was first identified But have no fear Hollywood is here to help

70 Entertainers Have signed an open letter to world leaders In a plea to help stymie the spread Of the coronavirus The letter was constructed by global profit Global non-profit But profit, come on

CARE Model Ian is the organization's global advocate and helped urge leaders to increase their vaccination efforts the letter was published tuesday and coincides with the united nations general assembly and the global covid 19 summit hosted by president biden the memo asks leaders to provide vaccines for 70% of the world's population by 2022. Coming up pretty fast. Come on, it's Q4 already. We're mailing it in. It's almost sad boy season.

We're done. 2021's done. Nothing's happened until 2022, so this is going to get done. It also requests resources for countries with lower capital, more support for healthcare workers, as well as a vested interest in public education. I noticed that a couple of heroes are left off this list here.

Those are the DoorDash delivery drivers and the people who work at the restaurant by my apartment that have to still wear T-shirts and say, I am essential. Because that was a fun three months where we pretended that fucking delivery drivers were heroes. I mean, they're not. They're not. Let's just say they're not. If you're a delivery driver, you're a hero.

I'm not throwing around someone who brought me a sub on Patrick Tillman's level. I'm just not. Words mean things, Josh. You get off the couch. I do all the time. I'm not. This isn't an anti-delivery driver.

It's just heroes are. They mean things. John, I was a delivery driver at one point. My point exactly. My stance here is not that delivery drivers are bad people. It's just that our hero is a thing. A hero is a hero. I don't know.

It's just – and it's not just me. I'm pointing out that we left them off. We said it for a long time. It's like healthcare workers, yes. Public education, sure. Lower capital, vaccines. Nowhere does it say Postmates guys. If you want to get money, the Postmates guys do it.

But I think you just started. I'm still getting swindled by them. I just found out I'm still paying because I have 1,000 subscription services. I'm still paying for fucking Seamless Plus that it was supposed to get rid of delivery fees and then you get like extra deals every now and then they stop that like one month in then no i've been paying like 15 a month really like and still paying just all that shit and you know what john i didn't i did not cancel it yeah no of course yeah heavens no not. Heavens no. It might come back. Every time I buy something, it says, you can get $10 off this order.

And then I click on it, and it's like, if you go pick it up. I'm like, what? Yeah, no, I understand what delivery fees are and tips are. Also, I am willing to come back to Josh's side if that means we can say that Paz hates the troops because he doesn't get delivery. Paz? Yeah. Oh, I'll take that.avs hates the troops because he doesn't get delivery yeah pavs hates the troops okay delivery drivers are heroes pavs hates the troops to support that movement the letter states none of us are safe until all of us are safe agreed we call on leaders

gathering at the united Nations General Assembly session to boldly act together to end COVID-19 everywhere. Finally, someone has asked. Thank God. COVID-19 is now a man-made pandemic of apathy. Makes me feel like I'm responsible. Only 2% of people in low-income countries have received a single dose, leaving the world's most vulnerable to face COVID with no protection.

This situation also lets new variants like Delta emerge and ravage lives of millions. The letter calls on global leaders to make 7 billion vaccine doses available before the end of 2021. I mean, that's just... Seems like a lot. It's a lot. I'm with it. I completely agree. In fact, that's why when we get

to this, I have an announcement to make. But, And an additional 7 billion doses by mid-2020 to fully vaccinate 70% of the world by next summer. To get this done, the world... Okay, I'm just skipping a part. These are the celebrities who have signed on this statement. Malin Ackerman,

Debbie Allen, don't know. Okay, we're just going to say don't know after Malin Ackerman. Malin Ackerman, I know. Malin Ackerman, I know. Debbie Allen, Debbie Allen, don't know. Dorothy Amois, don't know. Okay, we're just going to say don't know after. Mellon Ackerman. Mellon Ackerman, I know. Mellon Ackerman, I know. Debbie Allen, don't know. Dorothy Amois, don't know. Marina Baccarin, that sounds familiar. Deadpool.

One, two. Oh, oh, oh, Homeland. Oh, I haven't seen Homeland. Okay, Brody's Wife, then yes. Gotcha. Okay, all right, so we have three don't knows. Adriana Barraza, don't know. Troyan Bellisario, don't know. Bobby Burke, don't know. Adriana Barraza, don't know. Troyan Bellisario, don't know. Bobby Burke, don't know.

Queer Eye. Don't know. Jordana Brewster, got you. Connie Britton, got you. Karamo Brown, don't know. Also Queer Eye. So it's really just a whole gay thing. Yvette Nicole Brown, got you.

Ton, France. I actually know because his name is ridiculous. That's a great name. Richard Gere. Yeah, I know you. Queer Eye. Duff Goldman, don't know. Probably Queer Eye, though.

That name's gay as hell. Tony Goldwyn, don't know. Probably queer by the way. That name's gay as hell. Tony Goldwyn, don't know. Anne Hathaway, got you. Ingrid Hoffman, don't know. Anders Holm, got you. Dolores Puerta, don't know. Yeah, that's pretty good. Ellie Krieger, don't know.

Annie Lennox, yep. Walking down broken glass. Lola Lennox, don't know. That'snox, yep. Walking down broken glass. Lola Lennox, don't know. That's tough. I'm guessing it's her sister. Esther Lewis, don't know. Laura Linney, yes. Didn't you go to jail?

No, that's a different one. Kimberly Locke, don't know. Eva Longoria, I do know. But the Latinx name after it was an A, so I thought it said Eva Angelina. And I was like, shout out you, girl. Anya Manuel, don't know. Julianne Margiles, don't know. Catherine McCord, don't know.

Joel McHale, what's up, brother? Spike Mendelsohn, that's a made-up name. Don't know. Idina Menzel, no. Debra Messing, no. Alyssa Milano, no. What? I'm saying no, like I know them.

No means I know. All right, yeah, no. Don't know means I don't know. Hannah Sklvar, this is crazy no I know that no means I know all right yeah no it's don't know means I don't know Hannah Sklvar this is crazy long this is long I thought it was yeah Todd Snyder I mean we're this far in I'm almost there Todd Snyder I know Curtis Stone don't know Kimberly Stewart don't know Christina Turlington don't know Laura Vanderbilt don't know Gabby Williams don't know Michelle Williams that sounds familiar Kimberly Williams Paisley don't know. Christina Turlington, don't know. Laura Vandervoort, don't know. Gabby Williams, don't know. Michelle Williams, that sounds familiar. Kimberly Williams-Paisley, don't know.

Russell Wilson, yep. Scott Wolfe, don't know. Kelly Wolfe, don't know. Bellamy Young, don't know. Rachel Zoe, that sounds familiar, so I'll give it to you. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50. 53 names of the 70, I don't know. That's not a squad you can end COVID with.

That's just not. You need to put together a wrecking crew. Did no one ask Leo? Did no one ask Brad Pitt? I don't think people were turning down the list. No, fuck it. I'm pro-COVID. Where did they get this sign?

Was this just sitting out at a party? They're like, oh, yeah, and if you want to throw your name on there. Did no one ask anyone? There are some bona fide celebrities on here. richard gear not just forward an email yeah connie britain not forward one to the fnl group chat it's the first time i've actually seen richard gears in like yeah i mean he's been in hiding for quite some time uh did todd snyder not think to send one to the dc united not dc united the dc mult. multiverse people. If you're really about to end this COVID life, how about you ask the famous friends

instead of leaving it up to the fucking Bellamy Youngs and the Kimberly Williams Paisleys and the Laura Vandervoets? That's not a squad. This is like LeBron's first Cavs team. You can't win with Richard Gere dragging you to the finish line, with Eva Longoria fucking pulling a corpse across, Peter Dinklage looking like fucking, what's his name,

Vern Troyer in a Subway sandwich trying to get this fucking corpse of a body to end COVID. It's impossible. I'd explain to them who Vern Troyer was yesterday. That's because he's dead. Yeah. Alexandra Dario. I love her. She's done how many movies with Dwayne Johnson?

At least two. San Andreas, a classic film. And Baywatch, an even more classic film. You couldn't forward this to The Rock, Alexandra? Just say, hey, Dwayne, you love everybody, right? You're fucking running for president one day, right? How about Malin Ackerman? Maybe send it to billions and everyone at Showtime.

How is no one of any fame on this list? Marina Baccarin. I'll just throw Ryan Reynolds a request. Yeah. Say, hey, Ryan. Even throw your husband on it. What's your deal with you want to end COVID-19? Do you want to get people to fucking, I don't know,

make vaccines for the less fortunate? I have an idea. Sign this petition, and it'll definitely get things done. They're not giving any money, right? It seems to be just an autograph. So whatever you can sell this petition for is the amount of money they're willing to contribute to ending COVID-19. I need to know what celebrity was like, no, I'm not signing that because this is just going to end up

on a blog. Oh, Jordana Brewster! Jordana! How about sending it to Vin and the rest of the fucking family? There are so many people who have so many good connections here. Hey, Joel McHale, how about sending it to me? I'd have

signed this fucking thing, brother. That would have been electric if it was all these names. I'm just like John Henry Fuddle. Well, I'm signing it. That's my announcement. I'm joining. I'm not just going to talk about it. I'm going to walk the walk.

I am also signing this petition. Right now, Nick, I'm going to ask you to take a picture of this, turn it into a PDF, and send it over to them, please. And in fact, you know what? I'm also going to start my own petition. I am also calling on all public officials and heads of state at the COVID-19 summit. I am demanding that by 2022, you have 7 billion vaccines ready to go

and then another 7 billion before summer 2022. So in the next 8 months, 14 billion vaccines. I'm demanding it right now. Done deal. We want a summer. We're not safe until all of us are safe, which I agree with. Make it. So 7 plus 7.

Just do the math real quick for you. 14 billion vaccines by I'll give you Memorial Day. And by Fugawi. 14 billion by Fugawi. John Feidelberg. Boom. Sitting right here in case anyone else

in this room wants to join. And we'll get the A-team after it. Send to Scotty Pippen to not fuck my summer up. Boom. Sitting right here in case anyone else in this room wants to join. And we'll get the A-team after it. Send to Scotty Pippen to not fuck my summer up. Yeah. That is crazy. If that doesn't happen, we just go three summers with COVID. That's pretty fucked. Okay.

So thank you to the celebs. They have done it again. And I'm glad to join. I stand shoulder to shoulder with the celebrities, as usual. You guys are right. You guys are right. We should end this COVID-19 thing. And I appreciate you bringing it to my attention.

And I, along with the celebrities, will not sleep until we fix this thing. That is unless I lay down on a Helix mattress, because unless I lay down on a Helix mattress because once I lay down on a Helix mattress I can't help but fall asleep. They are the most comfortable things in the world. I have one. I will be honest. When Helix came on board I already had a mattress

in New York City. So my parents were moving. So in my bedroom at my parents' house, yeah, they moved and they still put room for their adult son. Whatever. In my bedroom at my parents' house in the home that I've never slept in, I will be sleeping there this coming weekend. Not this, but the one after this. Next weekend, I will be sleeping on my Helix mattress and I cannot wait.

Because I went on HelixSleep.com and I filled out a very brief quiz to tell me exactly what I need in order to sleep. What kind of mattress I need, what size mattress, what I need for my lumbar support, for my back support. I don't know if you guys have noticed. Casey answered it last episode that I'm looking limber these days. It's because I'm finally sleeping right. It is the easiest quiz to take. It is the most comfortable bed to sleep in. It takes just two minutes to complete this quiz. It matches your body type and sleep preferences with the perfect quiz to take. It is the most comfortable bed to sleep in. It takes just two minutes to complete this quiz.

It matches your body type and sleep preferences with the perfect mattress for you. Why would you buy a mattress made for someone else, right? I have been mattress shopping many times before. You lay down on these disgusting mattresses wondering what other kind of vagrants have slept in them, right? It's just gross. And none of them are comfortable. None of them are comfortable because they're not broken in. You don't need to worry about any of that with Helix because they designed the bed for you.

It's not just some bed off the rack. This is custom-made bedding we're talking about here, people. Everyone's unique, and Helix knows that. So they have several different mattresses and models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and firm mattresses, obviously. Great to cool you down if you sleep hot, much like me because I'm a bear. And even a Helix Plus mattress for plus-size sleepers. Again,

I took the quiz, and I was matched with the hard bed, because people get mad at hard beds. Not me. I'm a hard bed guy. I like a nice firm mattress. I guess hard's not the right word. A nice and firm mattress. I like springs, too. I don't like any of that other stuff. Because

I sleep on my back, and maybe even my stomach sometimes. But I don't like any of that other stuff because I sleep on my back and maybe my stomach sometimes. But I can't wait to finally get in it this coming weekend. Right now, you can join me and be a Helix sleeper. We're a team. We're a team Helix gang. And you can join me. Go to helixsleep.com

slash KFC. You get $200 bucks off all mattress orders. Any mattress you get, $200 bucks off. Oh, what else do you get? You get two free pillows. If you don't know about pillows, they are the craziest thing in the world. I had one pillow for most of my life. It was yellow. It looked like a manila

envelope that you got in elementary school. And I'd fold it up three times. I'd go bang, and then I'd fold it again, and that's what I'd sleep on. Well, when I moved, I finally got pillows, and it turns out they're insanely expensive. So two free pillows is really your raking in the dough. Go to helixsleep.com slash KFC, and it is an absolute no-brainer. Two free pillows, $200 off.

You're welcome. Now, what we are doing here is we are doing, I guess these episodes we call we're sitting at the kids' table. And as the oldest kid in here, I told the rest of the kids to come in with three topics. It wasn't a hard three. I'm not going to kick you out if you don't have three. But everyone has three separate things they'd like to discuss on today's episode. And we are going to see – Zach is drinking vodka. We are going to start with –

Hate the Troops Pavs. What do you got? Three topics. All right. First one, shout out to the boy Josh. Got to roast your boy Kanye because his new sneakers that just came out today. Oh, yeah. You should eat.

I have not seen the new Kanye's. No, this is going to be a first look. Here, I got it. I believe this is – These aren't even shoes. These are slippers. These are shoes? This is a shoe you can wear out in public?

I don't even know what type of shoe it is. Okay, I'm going to say this right now. They're called Sulphur, which is a poison. The Yeezy Knit R&R Sulfurs. Available September 30th exclusively on Yeezy Supply. If these are slippers to wear around the home, fire. If these are to be worn in public... I mean, the first response here is...

I was going to say he looks like an anime character. I could be sold. I could be sold on this. They look like an anime character i could be sold i could be sold on this jimmy you're looking at empanada uh it is i don't know why i could be sold on this but something about me has me something about them have me would you say that that's orange or blonde holding back that's orange um it has me holding back hatred I don't hate these I don't know what it is about them I don't think I could probably pull them off

Maybe I could I don't know But if Kanye wants to send me a free pair We can check it out But the bottom has me thinking That they are to be worn in public They look like a slipper But the bottom looks a little real

A little rough and rugged But they're This is the first these are at least interesting. Connors had a couple of pairs recently that were just like, kind of ugly. He had like the croc type one, and then he had something else that was just like, ah.

This has me at least going, huh. I'm not a defender of all Yeezys. I think the foam runners are ugly. I asked Ebony, because she has a pair. I was like, are they comfy? She said no. I was like, that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'm not, like, defending all Kanye shoes. His music is good. The 350s are the most comfortable shoes ever. The 500s are very comfortable, and so are the 700s. Just buy those three shoes, and they're amazing. Those, I have two or three pairs of, I think I have a pair of 350s and two pairs of 500s maybe. I don't wear those anymore. I think the, I don't know.

I actually don't find them that comfortable. But this is, I don't know, the yellow submarine. I don't even like the Beatles. It's almost like I don't really like vodka or olives. Or I don't get vodka drinks. I don't dislike it. But I don't get, I don't order many vodka drinks. I don't really like vodka drinks or olives. Because I've done like 20 vodka. I don't dislike it. But I don't order many vodka drinks. I don't order vodka drinks or olives.

Because I've done like 20 vodka shots with you in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I do shots, I do vodka. Yeah, it's disgusting. But the... You just did one. That's it, exactly. I mean, only when it's the finest.

I don't really like Yeezys or slippers. But for some reason, when you combine these two things, it's kind of fucking working for me. There's something there. Did they drop yet? No, tomorrow. Right? 23rd?

Yeah. So, yeah, tomorrow, I knew tomorrow was the 23rd because tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment in 11 years. Just getting a checkup? Just getting a checkup, baby. Can we film? No, you can't film that. No, I can say I wave HIPAA.

I feel like we do that a lot on the show. Yeah, no, it's fine. The doctor's just like, yeah, that's not a thing. When I was 20 years old or 21, so maybe it's been 12 years. When I was 21 years old, I saw a doctor and he was like, do you snore? And I said, I do snore. He was like, whoa. It sounded like I told him I haven't breathed oxygen in 10 years.

He's like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah, no, I snore. He's like, have you been tested? I'm like, tested for what, man? I just make noise when I sleep. I know it's illogical. I know that right now while I breathe, I'm not making any noise. But if you get me horizontal, it's going to sound like there's a fucking bear in here.

And he was like, well, we got to run a test on you. And so I took a sleep apnea test. And I did a sleep study overnight in a hospital. And they wake you up at 6 a.m they don't let you sleep in there they wake up at 6 a.m they kick you out they as on the way to the door they went yeah you just snore and i said okay and they said here's the bill and it was like seven thousand dollars at a time i did not have seven thousand dollars and I said, fuck the healthcare system. I'm just going to never do this again until I die. And then I almost died a few times.

And I'm really regretting that. Is this before or after you had a heart attack in Florida? Oh, this is before. I went to the hospital for that one and then they were like, you're fine. I was like, peace. Never got that checked out. I think last time I went to the hospital for that one, and then they were like, you're fine. I was like, peace.

Never got that checked out. I think last time I went to a doctor, they asked me if I was a top or a bottom. Now I think I'm done with that one. What? Yeah. HIPAA violation. No, well, it's the doctor, John. That's not a HIPAA violation. No, that's HIPAA.

That is HIPAA. That's gay violation. They didn't even ask you if you were gay. They just looked at you. No. They were like, Zach? Oh, he's going to ask you top and bottom. We got to get this down.

My last checkup, my nurse asked me, she goes, are you sexually active? I'm like, yeah. And she's like, so girl partner? And I was like, nope, thinking that she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I was like, nope. So the whole the whole uh the process goes by and then by the end of it she like starts asking me like you know if i if i'm interested in any like if she had this son that was gay that was gonna set you up she

thought the whole time we were having a whole conversation the whole time i was like i was like where did you get this she's like you said no female partners i thought you didn't mean i had a girlfriend. So my neighbor's son's a bottom. I got this guy in the other room, Zach. He just said he was a cop. Yeah, Mike, hit me up after this. All right, pals, what's number two? Number two, I found

this headline earlier today. Man almost dies after inserting an eel into his anus to relieve constipation. Sounds like a good plan. Is it Josh Wolf? A little more. Because he's literally put a leaf in his ass. Wait, wait.

Is that a fucking eel? Basically an eight-inch eel this guy put into his ass. Oh, come on. Only eight inches? Get those numbers up. Holy shit. Yeah, he puts it into his rectum and goes slightly nuts and chewed through the man's intestines. Yikes!

Yikes! That hurts to hear. Yet, I defend this man's idea. Call Richard Gere on this one. I like the idea of sitting around the bar with your friends and being like, dude, I haven't taken a shit in weeks. I'm so constipated. And be like,

you try sticking the animal up there, you might eat it. Like, oh, fuck, that's a good idea. You know, we'll spot you. We'll get it out. We'll get it out. I just like him. I like him holding the eel like that, just like lubing it up, jerking the eel off, trying to get it hard. I'd be like, you got a soft eel in my ass.

Imagine if I just drunk. I'd get the eel hard. You're bringing up a good point. How are you going to shove an eel in there? You think you shove it in backwards? Teeth first. Yeah, I go teeth first, right? I would think.

First way to get to the... You want him to get to the shit ASAP. You don't want him just fumbling around in the dark in there. Anything I know about eels, you don't want him just stumbling around your asshole. He didn't seek medical attention until the next day on account of being embarrassed. Bro, that I totally get, too. But, like, when I do something dumb, I'm like, I'm just going to see if this fixes itself quick. Yeah.

Like, see if I just shit this eel out fast. Have you ever seen, like, the guy who does a hammer? The guy who's doing lines at X-Lax trying to get that fucking thing out. The first Jackass movie where, like, he goes in and has to get, like, examined that he has a toy car in his ass. And, like, the doctor wasn't even in his face. He's just like, yeah, how many days? Like, it's just like, yeah, we have shit like this. There's a whole episode of Scrubs about that.

Just doctors... The ass box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ass box. Yeah, yeah. Pabst, good headlines. So far you're two for two. Alright, last one is, see we got a couple good social guys here. They would never let something like this happen, but what the Panthers posted

for a halftime score with, I think, I don't know who those two guys are, but basically a guy from the Panthers and a guy from the Saints 69ing each other, and they used that as their halftime score on Twitter posts. What was the score?

I don't know. I think they deleted the post, so that's not up anymore. They were losing. I would do that on purpose. I was going to say, I feel like that's absolutely... Actually, I know the score.

The Panthers are up 17-0 at halftime. Yeah. And he's on top? Yeah. Also, you said – yeah, you said we wouldn't let this happen. We would 100% post this. You would actually let this happen? Yeah, I mean, I would absolutely post that.

Wait, the Panther was – I would test you guys. I would test you guys. The Panthers put this up? 17-0. Okay, so then if it was reversed – the Panthers put this up? The Panthers put this up, yeah. If this was reversed, I think it makes sense.

Or no. No, actually, I think it's good either way. Because if you're on your back in a 69, you're on easy street. Right? You're up 17-0, you're on easy street. I'm just chilling. Basically, things are getting done to me or fed to me. Oh, God.

Shit's pretty easy. But, alternatively, This could be spun as We're face fucking the Saints I think that I think both ways This plays I mean this is a good Halftime photo

For a 17-0 lead Zach We'll take male 69 And we'll go to Zach Oh okay Alright Alright so I have Yeah as you know

I have three So we can I'll give you the option of which one first. I have getting broke up via phone call, which is fun. Probably not really that interesting of a topic. Sure, let's start with that one. All right. Yeah, there's really not much to talk about with it, actually.

You just got dumped? Why, because you're bad in bed? No, I'm pretty sure that was the only thing keeping us around, actually. Fantastic. Thank you, John. And anyone out there who's listening, I'm not single that was the only thing keeping us around actually Fantastic thank you John and anyone out there who's listening I'm not single so thank you So why did you get broken up with Pretty fucked up

Yeah don't clip that Um Sir I don't know Alright so basically What this comes down to is Date it for four months And then there was another month of a break right there, which hooked up with four people in two weeks.

So we were really on a break. Hell yeah. Good for you. Anyway, if you're listening to this, no, you're not. Eight-minute phone call. Only eight minutes. That's longer than it would take for me. Yeah, you know what?

You're probably not the person I should approach about this. I've been dumped in person in less than eight minutes. That's longer than it would take for me. Yeah, you know what? You're probably not the person I should approach about this. I've been dumped in person in less than eight minutes. Would you rather it be a longer phone call or just like, all right, quick? Honestly, what took so long from him going, hey, we're breaking up? Did you try and make it stop? No. Well, actually, no, it's even worse. So my birthday was Monday.

He wanted to talk Monday night and ended up pushing it to tomorrow – yesterday. He said tomorrow. But it was yesterday. Did he want to talk to you on your birthday? So he pushed it to Tuesday and, yeah, he started the phone call with like, hey, happy birthday, by the way. How was your birthday? And I was like, well, I fucking well I fucking hate birthdays why do you hate birthdays it's not weird

it's weird to have birthday weeks it's weird to hate birthdays I just don't enjoy it I use it as an excuse to drink and go on this car and bender that I'm on right now but hell yeah hell yeah brother

but yeah no I mean You just get older I mean like past So 21 You You turn 21 That's fun Because you're obviously

You can go to bars and stuff And be actually legal And then 22 You realize Well like nothing actually Matters anymore And like that's You're just

Like No birthdays matter Past then What? Borderlines are? I might have a dog somewhere. Nothing really matters. 23, you start realizing you're, like, outside of college age and whatnot.

And then 24, which is I just turned 24, like, nothing. It's going to keep being that until 30. And then from 30 to 40 is nothing. But I've noticed that you are deflecting on why you got dumped. I mean, that's kind of a loaded question, don't you think? It sure is, yeah. I will say. There's no way to ask that question without it being a goddamn sawed-off to your mouth.

I don't know. He just said, like, after we – so he took a break at one point for, like, about – it's been four weeks, which is – I've been told by multiple people I'm absolutely delusional for even entertaining the fact that this was still a thing. But he said, like, he realized he wanted to be single, but is, I've been told by multiple people I'm absolutely delusional for even entertaining the fact that this was still a thing, but he said, like, he realized he wanted to be single, but also, like, It's going to be decades, Zach's going to be like, get me and my boyfriend on a break.

Zach's going to be celebrating his 34th birthday. I mean, originally it was, I'm a pretty sarcastic asshole, as I'm sure you've all noticed at this point. No, yeah, I know, originally it was. I'm a pretty sarcastic asshole, as I'm sure you've all noticed at this point. No, yeah, I know, right? And that did not play a good factor in this. At one point I made some jokes around his friends or whatever, and he didn't appreciate that.

That was kind of what started it. Nothing like crazy, just like. Jar jokes? Kind of, yeah. You were trying to kill yourself when they were getting uppity about it? Fuck these guys. Better off, girl! Yeah, so yeah, I mean, there were plenty of different ones, but yeah, I didn't appreciate that.

But also, yeah, I mean, we also just weren't correct, but yeah. Okay, so incompatible. Got it. Now, what took so long in the conversation now because like once someone says like i think we should break up i'm like okay see you later well what do you like were you a court of law you're trying to argue your case no i didn't i think we should stay together because that's the thing he did start so i had things i wanted to say because we haven't talked in a few weeks and so like i want to say things and then he just started off

right well he started off with the birthday thing which i thought was pretty fucked up but then uh you want to make sure you remember yeah i am a kind gentleman because i i knew it was your birthday yesterday and put it up yeah um yeah no i mean it was just like i don't really know it wasn't there was not really much there i feel like it was just like an eight minute phone call of oh we did get kind of contentious at one point just because I had asked them two weeks ago if I want like, I was like, hey, can we talk? Considering I was like this is going on too long. Like I need, we

need to discuss what's going on here. I don't need you. Closure. Closure. So he, he was like sorry, like, yes, I didn't talk, whatever. But like I was super busy, blah, blah, blah. Like, that's why. That's the greatest lie ever told.

It's ridiculous. No one is busy. John, he also. No one on this planet is busy. He told me. He also. The pandemic. No one works anymore.

There's no one. Even when you work. I work. I work. I have a job. I have never been busy in my life. Someone would call me right now, and if I said, yo, I'm busy. Can I call you back?

That would be a lie. If I wanted to, I could just go take the phone call. Like, no one is busy. They're like, sorry, I've been busy. I haven't gotten back to your texts. You know, I just saw it and don't want to talk to you. That is it. Yeah.

Right. Yes. No is it. Yeah. No, yeah. And so I had asked him whatever and he was like, sorry, I was super busy. And he had told me he was leaving the city for that weekend, but just didn't. And I saw him all over social media posting about being in the city. So I was like, alright, dude, well, you're being a... Fuck you, honestly. And like, this is a you problem, not me. And I was like, you know what? I'm not fighting

this. So yeah, we got a little contention in the middle there. That's probably why it lasted eight minutes, but yeah. I just asked Casey right before this, by the way, and she said it only took eight minutes I was like, you know what? I'm not fighting this. So, yeah, we got a little contingence in the middle there. That's probably why it lasted eight minutes. But, yeah. I just asked Casey right before this, by the way, and she said it only took eight minutes. So, like, there's that con. Mine took as long as it takes to drink a beer while you're chugging it. That's my last breakup. About 15 seconds. Okay.

I think my last one, like, I found out recently she'd been cheating on me, so I just texted her. I was like, all right. Someone's like, hey, I don't want to be with you anymore. Were you going to sell them on you? They know you. That's why they don't want to be with you anymore. They got everything. It's a fresh wound you got.

Jesus, fuck you. Yeah, you'll be numb when you leave. Look, you brought it up at this table. That's on you. No, I know. I know. Yeah, you'll be numb when you leave. Look, you brought it up at this table. That's on you. No, I know. Yeah, there's just... Do you want to convince the person who knows you best that there's something worth sticking around for?

Good luck with that, Zach. I hate it here. I said before this episode, who needs therapy when you have KFC radio? And really, it's just... I mean, it's checking out right now. All right. Topic two.

I'll go. Let's see. I slept walked, woke up. Oh, you're sleepwalking. When was this? Twice. I have two sleepwalking stories, which I don't sleepwalk. I was drunk, but I wasn't blocked out.

We call that waking up drunk. I do that all the time too, yeah. I sleepwalk and wake up with a bunch of candy and chips on my chest. I wasn't blacked out because I remember I remember all the events

leading up to this. Wake up with my fucking dick in my hand and my laptop on porn. I sleep walk again. Worst I ever woke up was in the middle of a Chinese restaurant, and they were telling me I couldn't use the phone. So I can't know that makes sense.

I didn't even ask you. I was asleep, you dickhead. What do they say about waking up sleeping people? So I don't recall exactly what the event's leading up to this. I recall going to sleep with somebody in their bed. But the last thing I remember – well, the first thing I remember, I suppose. I think what probably happened is that I wanted to go to the bathroom, but I walked into another person's room in that apartment.

And so I think I went to the bathroom and then walked in and so i thought someone was in bed so i like kind of put my it was like pitch black in the room so i walked in like kind of put my hand down on the bed to like see and i was like oh wait no that's not that's not the same person that i was just sleeping with so um i end up like this is when like i I truly remember what happened. It was just like, I got a arm to the chest, butt ass naked, pushed up against the wall

by this random person who's like, why the fuck are you here? And I was like, I don't know as I'm trying to cover my dick. I'm just trying to kiss him. Oh, you woke up frisky.

It's up against the wall? It's involuntary. It's involuntary. So I didn't really remember. I couldn't even remember the guy's name I was with at the time. So I was like, I'm with your roommate. I was like, I'm with your roommate. I don't know. I don't even remember the guy's name I was with at the time, so I was like, I'm with your roommate. I was like, I'm with your roommate. I don't know why.

I don't know what's going on right now. I'm not going to lie to you. Because obviously I don't randomly walk into men's rooms naked. Well, not often. But, yeah. But, yeah. So, yeah, that happened. I eventually went back to the other room,

laid down in bed and went, fuck this, I'm leaving Slang Uber at home at 6 a.m. But, yeah. You can't hang around like that. No, for sure not. Actually, I saw – You joked up against all these. I'm here for the gangbang.

Yeah, why are you here? This, the arm to the chest. He would hit you with that first line. I recommend you stop being such a... Actually, this is exactly why I'm here, sir, is this type of stuff going on right now. Thank you. Wrong door, right situation.

Is that the right time to roll me? Okay, third one. Wait, you had two sleepwalkers. So this is the second one. This one isn't that... Yeah, that's a tough one. Yeah, that one... Got in bed naked with another man. Well, that happens.

Well, you're a strange man. Well, that one happens too. Come on. A straight man. How about that? That one probably happened. Yeah, you can only hope. No, this one was just I slept-walked.

It was I met somebody at a party whom I did not know beforehand. Obviously, once again, hooked up. Well, we actually hooked up on the kitchen floor, which I actually thought was kind of funny because you guys mentioned the kitchen counter with Megan Fox or whatever. I almost brought it up then, but I didn't. And now I'm unhinged, so I don't really care. I'll talk about it on the podcast. So, yeah, no.

Well, I hook up on the bathroom floor or whatever. Walk out. I go back up. We have to sleep on a couch because he doesn't actually live here and he's staying with his friend. My God, I really hope. Don't cut this clip. We're still talking. But, yeah, no, I all of a sudden wake up in the hallway of their – whatever it's called, their apartment building.

And I believe – they have like a bench outside and I believe I fell asleep on that bench outside of their place with only my pants on. I didn't know – I didn't have shoes, keys, wallet, phone, anything on me. So I was a little confused. I realized I don't even know since I don't know. I don't remember walking into said party. I don't know whether that's the right door or what floor I'm even supposed to be on right now. So I had to try to finagle that and ended up once again, I had to ring the doorbell because i had a doorbell this fucking thing um woke up somebody i've never met before he answered the door he said oh you're back and i went i didn't know i left and then um went back upstairs grabbed my shit and left again approximately 7 a.m so yeah i i don't think i'm willing to count either of these as sleepwalking but i don't wrong story this one i don't think I'm willing to count either of these as sleepwalking, but they're good drunk stories.

This one, I don't – the thing is I remember going to bed or couch each of these nights. I do not remember how I got out of there. I don't hate the defense here, yeah. Like all the times I've been arrested for sleepwalking in public. I wasn't that drunk, yeah. Like, all the times I've been arrested for sleepwalking in public. I wasn't that drunk, John. I called my mom at the police station. Like, they caught me for sleeping and driving again.

I'm just kidding. I've never gotten to sleep in a drive. Or DUI. Been in the car for them, but I was in passenger seat. And then when they said, sir, can you drive? I said, no, I'm 17. And they said, that's old enough to get a license. I said, you're right, I have one.

But I'm drunk. All right, what's your third? Yeah, no, that was it. Those were those two. I don't think I have another one. I mean, I could probably tell you more, but I don't think you want to. Josh. I don't have three, but I have one that's at the top of my mind.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I hooked up this couple my sophomore year of high school. You hooked up with this couple? I hooked them up. One was my wrestling teammate. I heard that, too. I heard that, too. And I was like, go back. Tell them first.

One was my wrestling teammate. The other went to my church. I hooked them up. I was on their first date with them and everything. And on their how they first met on their, like, wedding website, they said, we went on a mini golfing trip with our youth group, and a mutual friend introduced us. No shout-out, nothing on their invitation.

I think I have to, like, pull a full Michael Scott and, like, say this wedding's all about me because it wouldn't have happened without me. I think that makes sense. It's like you put them together. You're like, what's Michael Scott's line when he's like, he sat here, she sat there. Never in a million years would they have gotten together. You've got to stand up right after the ceremony like,

ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Whatever their name is. Yeah, but I think mine's a little bit more valid than Michael Scott's was. I think you're probably right. I got a shout out. Also, what the fuck are you doing in the youth group? I didn't realize you were like religious. My family is super religious. I was just like, I'm a devil child.

So that's why you and Zach don't get along. I was just about to say, homo voico. I mean, I definitely am. My mom and my sister both work in ministry. You saw the video that I posted. My parents definitely don't approve of anything I do for my life. What so fucking ever. Let's get all the really bad clips out today Zach I Mean really see that's that's the fucking you know, what's you know, what's the nice part about being gay?

John I would love to hear this and I think most of the community would as well It's good. You know all those those commercials they talk about when we were younger it gets better no what they meant by that was like when you get older you can sexually assault someone but it won't count because

you're both guys if I did that with a random chick I'd get in bed with a random chick naked guess what happens? John Feidelberg gets got for sexual assault. John Feidelberg's an abuser. If I crawl into my sleepwalk into bed with a chick naked. But nope, old Zach walks free.

You know what's great about being gay is you can technically commit a sexual assault And like not get fined I don't think that's true at all I don't think that's true at all John But that's okay I got one example it's 100% it's true 100% of the examples I've heard That's what happens Josh you were saying

Nothing about religion or something Josh you were saying you're homophobic Everyone's getting thrown under the bus this episode You're all fucked Josh, you were saying? Nothing about religion or something? Josh, you were saying you're homophobic? Everyone's getting thrown under the bus this episode. You're all fucked! The second thing is I'm bringing a date to this wedding, but it's actually, like, I was supposed to bring a girl I was trying to actually, like, date and, like, be, like, in a relationship with, and then she bailed.

She didn't bail. She was just a huge bitch, and I was like, fuck. I was like, fuck you. I'm not bringing you to the wedding anymore and haven't talked to her since but then i decided to bring another date but like it's like a friend and i'm and we're sleeping different beds and i there's a bunch of single women at this wedding it's the dumbest thing i've ever done in my life so i'm bringing a date to a wedding that i'm not gonna ever like get with when i would have a better chance if i had just gone solo and

i'm spending more money now to bring a date and I'm just a fucking idiot. Okay. How about this move? What if you call the hotel? Get her her own room. I'm sure that costs more money. Well, it sure would. But also, you get some fucking puss on you. You think, oh, there was a mix-up. We both have

our own rooms. Just ask her. It's for sure not happening? I don't know. Like, we've hooked up before, but I'm not like – Oh, what the fuck? Get out of here! Ask her, do you want me to get you your own room and see what she says? Because then if she says no, then call the hotel and get one bed.

Well, she specified before when I was booking it. She was like, two different beds, right? So I think it's pretty much like a done deal at that point. Well, one's for luggage. I don't think so. Wait, she asked for separate beds? Yes. Nah, that's not a done deal.

She's a guy. You could just jump in bed naked. I wouldn't say that's a dud. It was consensual, okay? Yeah, so consensually fucking picked you up by the throat. That's who the fuck you were. Zach sleptwalked into consensual sex. Fucking two of the greatest lies ever told.

Alright, so we're going to go. We're going to go, Nick. We're going to save Jackie over here for last. Alright, we are going to get to Jackie and Nick's quote-unquote three things shortly. But first, I'm going to tell you three things about HelloFresh. I'm telling you the three things that I am eating this week because they're all delicious. I eat like a king due to HelloFresh. This week, where am I at? This week, I am eating Crispy Frank's Red Hot Spiced Chicken with mashed potatoes and carrots.

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I go home. I unwind. I have a glass of wine. I put on a record player I cook my food Because guess what happens when you cook It's my favorite hobby of all time I've been doing this for two years now

I've been paying to advertise for HelloFresh for two years I buy my own goddamn food every week Just like I buy my own goddamn sneakers Because I believe in good products And I believe good products should be rewarded with my money But the best part of it The best part of this new hobby Is that during the

half hour it takes max to cook my dinners i can't use my phone my hands are busy i get to disconnect from the internet i disconnect from the world and it's just me and the duck breasts and the sweet thai chili pork that i'm cooking up it is it is the best i'll go so far as to say it's the best half hour of my day it's high quality ingredients it's, it is the best, I'll go so far as to say it's the best half hour of my day, it's high quality ingredients, it's easy, it's delivered right to your door, you don't have to go to the market, it's quick, it takes under 30 minutes, it is fast, like if you order, it's cheap, it's cheap, it's cost you like, I think depending on the meals you get, it's usually between 60 and 80 bucks a week for six meals. Because every meal comes double sized.

$60 to $80. That's literally two seamless orders. Literally two seamless orders. And you're getting six meals out of it. You can get eight too if you want. But I do six meals per week. I do three meals per week. Again they're double.

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you will be hooked on it. It's the best thing ever. Also, it's cheaper than even going to the grocery store. So you might think, oh, I'm wasting money. I can just go to the grocery store myself. No. I live across the street from a grocery store. It's still cheaper to get my HelloFresh delivered to me. Again, go to HelloFresh.com slash KFC14 and use

code KFC14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. You are welcome. Welcome. You're welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. Nick, what do you got for me? They just announced today the new Fantastic Beasts movie of the Harry Potter series. It's called Dumbledore's Secrets or something like that. And is it not common knowledge that Dumbledore's gay? Dumbledore's gay? See? Thank you.

I didn't know that either. Yeah. J.K. Rowling said it years ago. I don't give a shit. You don't give me that nonsense. Did she say the sorting hat's gay too? No. She definitely said Dumbledore's gay.

And like, it was praised by the LGBTQ community for like years. And then I remember the last movie when it came out, because it's supposedly like he hooked up with this other super bad wizard that I think Johnny Depp played or something. And in the last movie, they didn't even hint at it. Johnny Depp played a bad guy? Yeah. They didn't hint at it at all and people were fucking outraged and now this whole movie just being Dumbledore's secrets,

I'm wondering if they're just trying to course correct as hard as they fucking can and just lean into it. It's going to only be released on Pornhub? Yeah. Dumbledore just fucking

taking banging dicks. Actually, I'm upset with the pornography community that I've never seen. Harry Potter porn? Harry Potter porn. I've seen a Spongebob porn. I've seen a lemon stealing porn. I've seen...

You don't know about lemon stealing? Oh, come on. I think I said it on one of my... Jackie, can you do on... Hold on. On one of my... Jackie, can you do me a favor? Is that your computer up here? No, that's mine. That's this?

Harry Potter. Oh, Mike. Pabs, can you go to YouTube.com? Oh, yeah. No, there's for sure a bunch of gay Harry Potter porn. Like, who's... Like, any fucking people I know about it, I'm like... Well, it's a little different.

I mean, I'm just looking on gay porn, I'm sorry. Okay, go Lemon. Huh. Put lemon porn steal. Nick looks over and there's a dick in his face. Yeah, there's a giant dick right in my face. Yes, okay. This fucking thing.

So this is only... You're only going to be able to see this on the YouTube. Go subscribe to it. This is one of the funniest things ever. There are also famous porn stars. It's James Dean and Joanna Angel. Hang on. Wait, restart it for me. If you're searching famous porn stars it's James Dean and Joanna Angel hang on wait restart for me you're searching for its lemon-stealing whore? And then they beat the shit out of her and fuck her. Oh, man.

How have we not been approached to write a porn intro yet? That is unbelievable. Dude, lemon-stealing whores. Lemon-stealing whores is the sequel. That was the one where they were like, all right, you're going to have to kill three plus minutes talking about lemons. We got this, no problem.

I love our lemon tree. Oh boy. I'm out. This sucks. Start naming things that are made out of lemons. Lemon pie. Key lime pie. Key lemon pie. They're like, nope. It's not a thing.

Lemonade. You already said that one lemon pie. They're like, nope. They're like, ah, son of a bitch. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. All right, lemonade. You already said that one twice. We just need people to skip about a minute in. But what about Dumbledore is gay, Zach? What about? Honestly, I've never. We were just talking about this. I haven't watched Harry Potter.

You've never watched it? Nope. Single time. Obviously not. I haven't obviously read the books because who reads? I read. I wake up in the mornings now I read Yeah that's

I used to wait in line For the Harry Potter books But Yeah no I have no idea That's what I said Now I might have to pick up Harry Potter Because I was unaware

But like that's what I was Doing with J.K. Rowling Where it's Well she also hates trans people She said People are just like It is Like okay you can

And then people come to her defense Where they're like, why are you arguing with the author about what someone is in her book? So it's like, well, you can say that, but there's no evidence to support it in the book. So I think there was some that like leads to it for Dumbledore, but that's one of the reasons that argument started, because there's no representation of it in the movies at all and whatnot. That's what, again, when... When the second one came out, everyone was like, oh shit,

they're going to finally show it. Then just nothing at all was in it. I think they're going to course correct way too hard. It's going to be unbelievable. Harry comes into the fucking room with the phoenix and the spiral staircase and Dumbledore's got a mouth full of cock. Where you going?

Dumbledore's Jude Law in this. Isn't he, like, known for just having a hammer? Yeah, that's also the other thing. He's got a piece on him? I think, wasn't he, like like the young pope or some shit? Jude Law was the young pope, yeah. Yeah, and doesn't he just like whip it out? I haven't seen that.

Pull it up. Pull it up. Repeat, repeat. I didn't know. Jude Law penis. Jude? Yeah, J-U-D-E. Like, hey Jude?

Oh, yeah. That definitely cleared it up for hate. I didn't actually see it. Jude Law actually reached smallest penises. Smallest penises in Hollywood? Oh. The most. Who's that?

Who's that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Growers versus. Oh, Fassbender? Dude, Fassbender's got one of the more overrated dicks, I think, in Hollywood. Oh, that's. You know what? That's who I was thinking of.

It was Fassbender. Oh, this is growers to showers here. Oh, yes, of course. Wait, small. Also, you see that thing that's the smallest whites? Where is it? Jesus Christ. What's that, a fucking airplane bottle of fucking Pinot Grigio?

I hate to see that. Well, all right. So if they have Dumbledore whip it out, it's going to be a letdown. Yeah, that right along will just write off all Harry Potter movies. He can't even give himself A fucking potion Or a God damn magical

What do you call him Spell In order to Fucking grow show I don't know Schmo I don't know Not poems

What are they called Gorgio Gorgio sure That sounds better What's the fucking word For spell Right Yeah

Cast a spell Cast a spell For a bigger penis If you're the greatest wizard in the world you should be able to fucking make yourself a bigger dick facts yeah all right second topic did i ever tell you how uh i found out i got kicked out of college no uh so i i had a feeling it wasn't just it wasn't a surprise too much i wasn't going to class. I took the finals. It was like there's a chance that I guessed right, but it was like. Well, you got kicked out of college.

I thought you left. Oh, no. The first time I got kicked out. Yeah? Okay. Proceed then. So I had taken all the finals. I remember just going afterwards and just getting blackout.

It was a few weeks later, and I got a letter in the mail from the university. It was just like, I'm just not going to open this right now. And I put it up. This is yours, Isla? Yeah. And I just put it up on a shelf. And one night I was working. I was a door guy at the time.

And one of my friend's friends, she was like, she was into me. She was really annoying. Like, I remember she said. Hey, what's up? She said the goal of her life was just to marry a diplomat and i'm just like why don't you become a diplomat like you could you seem before you follow finding diplomats i remember you tell her she should have headed for water yeah i remember hearing that and being like what the fuck like and she always annoyed me but like one day she was shit-faced and was trying to sleep in

her car across the street from a police station and like called me it was like can i just like can you come like move my car and it was like two or three in the morning i couldn't have that problem she was married to a diplomat that car over the fuck you want diplomat plates uh so i i bring it i park it in uh my driveway I'm like, just crash on our couch. It's fine. She starts really trying, like jumping in my bed, all this shit.

I'm just not. She's zacking it. It's a good move. Works for me. But I'm like, not, not really having it. I'm like,

all right, I just like, come on, get out of my room, like trying to kick her out. And I'm like, ah, whatever here. And I'm like, oh, I got a letter here. I'm like, all right, I just, like, come on, get out of my room, like, trying to kick her out. And I'm like, ah, whatever, here. And I'm like, oh, I got a letter here. I'm, like, just trying anything.

And then I start reading the letter, and I realize, like, oh, no, I've actually been kicked out of college. Like, all right, what's fuck? Never going to see you again. I'm going to pack up in the morning. Well, then I just was, like, acting. I had a feeling that's what it was, but I just started acting like very sad. And she's like, okay. And then she just fucking got a cab home.

So you used getting kicked out of college? Silver linings, baby. Yep. Silver linings. Sure, I got kicked out of college. I was like, fuck this lunatic. I was like, all right. Got her out of here at least.

Now I can deal with this shit tomorrow. What? What were you kicked out for? Bad grades? Bad grades. Yeah. That even counts getting kicked out. I transferred.

That's just being like, hey, you know, maybe this isn't the place for you. They're pretty gentle with their recommendations when it's for grades. We feel you would benefit from a different education system where we don't have to teach fucking R-worded people. I found it funny they used the word, like, you've been dismissed. It's like, no, you're kicking me out. You don't have to. You can say get the fuck out. It's fine.

Dismissed. See you later. Can I kill you? Can I still come hang out, though, on the weekends? That's what I did. I lived there for two more years. That's when everyone gets kicked out of college. I'm like, oh, no, go to community college.

Try to get back in. Went to one semester of community college. Did worse than when I was in Iowa. You want me to go to community college, try to get back in. Went to one semester of community college. Did worse than when I was at Iowa. You're going to go to community college? Yeah, right. Everyone there's dumb. That's one of my favorite Nate Bargatze jokes. We talk about it as a community college.

When he just paid for it in cash. And then every class took place at 7 a.m. and was held outside. They're like, yeah, you're going to have to get used to waking up in the mornings. You're going to have a lot of – you're going to see a lot of sunrises in your life. Okay, last one. And then I just written this down when we're talking about Dirty Circus. I don't think I've ever actually told the story of how I was in the circus.

Beautiful. Yeah. So I went – the first college I went to – Wait, because you have such a weird life. Kevin should do a behind the block with you. You're in the circus, bro. I tried out for the circus. Did not really make the cut.

Because you were a gymnast, right? Yeah, so I did gymnastics in high school for a year. I was okay at that, but then when I went to my first college, it was Illinois State. The school we've definitely heard of. Francis wrote a hit piece against Ellie about it. Is that where she went to? Yeah. What colors are Illinois State? Red.

They're the red birds. It's red and gold, I believe. Red and black. There's a little bit of it. Oh, Illinois State. What's red and gold? I'd originally went there and when I was there, they're one of two There's a little bit of it. Oh, Illinois State. Yeah. Illinois State. Yeah. What's red and gold? I'd originally went there, and when I was there, they're one of two colleges in the world that have a collegiate circus. One of the guys that came from-

Wait. Yeah. What's the other college? There's one in South America that has one. Okay. Well, there's one of three, because Florida State, we got a circus, baby. No shit. Yeah.

I didn't know that. Yeah. In fact, I don't know if it's a true story or a folk tale, but it was when J.D. Drew – the tale I was told when I was at FSU was that – because the circus, like the tent stays up the whole time, and it's in right field of the baseball stadium. And the theory or the story being told around was that J.D. Drew used to hit so many fucking bombs

that the ball would hit the tent and then the animals would go nuts at the loud bang that would echo throughout the tent and the elephants would be like, and they had to get rid of all the elephants. I don't know if there's any truth to that, but it is in right field over by there. I definitely keep telling that.

But, yeah, so I'm not going to lie. When I heard there was a circus that kind of tipped the scales of going to Illinois State, that was like, I have to try this. I have to go and check it out. I walked the fucking balance beam freshman year of high school. I tried rings. I could get up on the parallel bars. I'll try the circus.

But yeah, so I went. There were open tryouts and whatnot. And I actually showed up a week late. And they just thought I made the cut because they were kicking a bunch of people out and I just stayed because they didn't call my name to leave because I never put my name on paper.

I also didn't sign a release saying I wouldn't sue them. I was there for a couple weeks. The operation was in Tip Top Street. Oh, yeah. So I tried wall trampoline, which is those. Wall trampoline? It's the Olympic trampolines that you put up against the wall and people bounce. You drop onto your back and run up and then like kick yourself down to

get higher and higher. People were going like 30 feet in the air and like doing flips and like coming down on it, like going back up. Like there was a ledge at the top they would land on and then just like free fall. It's crazy. Dude. How high were you? Oh, like six feet maybe.

It's insane. It's just the feeling of free falling onto your back just hoping, hey, maybe this time I won't land on my neck. And then I did that, and then I tried the wire, but then I saw my friend just fall right on his nuts. And I was like, no, I'm good. I don't want to do that. Did anyone on the team be like, hey, man, have you ever done any of this before? Surprisingly, no. How did you make one of the three fucking college circus teams in the world?

You seem like you haven't been in a gymnasium, save for that one time you did the rings in high school. So I think a good amount of them had just graduated, so they needed fresh meat in there. And then the other thing I did was the Russian wheel. That's a giant one you stand up in, like, Vertruvian man kind of. The one that looks like a big hula hoop. Yeah, and you, like, roll around in it.

And, like, they put me up with a partner that, like, we each would be, like, swinging around in it and stuff. And could you do this one? I could do a little bit. Bro, you showed up to hockey trials and you couldn't skate, it seems like. Yeah, oh, absolutely. But I was in there for a little bit.

One of the guys that actually. Next up, Dunstan checks in. Is that the monkey who can play hockey? Yes. Heck of a reference. Nice. But one of the guys that Roan interviewed on half the story, the Christian, his name's Christian something,

but he has the little dog Scooby that he does halftime performances now. He was in it at the time with the dog where he would do, like, one-handed handstands. The dog jumps on his back and, like, I don't know, fucking holds the ball up or something. But it's, like, it's crazy shit that, like, when I saw Roan interviewing him, I was like, it brought it all right back. But there were people. So I was trying to do the acrobatic shit. There were, like, the losers in the circus. And that was the clowns.

The clowns? Yeah. The clowns were the people that didn't make the circus. Nick, sounds like it should have been where you were aiming. Yep, probably. But there was one guy in particular that walked around campus. The clowns were just the people who couldn't do the Vitruvian Man and the I probably should have done that.

I just decided to leave. Could you fit into a car with eight other guys? Probably could do that one. But there was a guy that would wear his face paint around campus. Also, a lot of unicycles all around campus. Bro, why'd you go to school?

Yeah. This is nuts. You had active clowns in class. Sorry, I just got back from circus practice. The worst was I had a bunch of friends visit, and this is like after I had left the circus, and we all get in an elevator, and one dude just runs. It's like, hold it, hold it, hold it, sticks his arm in,

gets in full clown makeup and goes, oh, hey, Nick. And I'm like, come on, man. You had to, like, out me here that I know the clown on campus. Missed you at practice last night, buddy. What's up, Nick's friends? It was one of those things I'm very happy I did it just so I could say, like, I was in the circus. That's a fantastic story to have. Wish I could have done any of it yeah you should have mixed it up practice yeah i washed out of the circus do you have to wear a unitard uh no but in gymnastics and i think

like if you made it to the show you did yeah but you didn't But I... You didn't get Jersey Day? No. I didn't make it that far. But yeah. All right. Last one up. I'm super awake, Jackie. I didn't fully... Oh, you didn't understand the assignment? Understand the assignment. Okay.

Just so we're clear. I'm going to read the assignment real quick. No. Yes. Well, I did come up with one. Okay. The assignment. I think it's just going to be us today for the app.

So let's try everyone having three topics. Anything at all. Current events, personal, whatever. Let's do topic one. What did you not understand? I didn't realize you didn't specify that we were going one through three. I thought it was like let's all brainstorm and we all come up with three topics. So then in here we were all like coming up with topics and throwing them

around. So I was like, okay, there was enough. I don't need to come up with a list. And then, and then you just said that we were all like going one through three. I didn't realize that you didn't specify that we were doing that.

Okay. So Jackie was like, we did a group project. I know you're going to make me talk. Okay. Second topic we got. Okay. Um,

well, I'll do, I'll do, I do i do have an am i the asshole okay that i will shoot you with i'm sorry for everybody who's watching because i'm not cutting cameras very well um so this was from a uh friend and she had so she lived with a roommate who had a boyfriend who like came over all the time and he was like he like basically lived there and he was a klepto i guess and he would steal like other things but she had a bunch of from her or like from stores and they could bring from just from like the apartment like they would just randomly notice things missing and then like they they just like he'd been Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Just to be clear. The so she had a roommate and the roommate's the roommate's boyfriend would steal things from the apartment and take them back to his apartment. Yeah, she had a roommate.

The roommate's boyfriend was the one who would steal things. And then and she had a bunch of Adderall to the point where like she would give it away to people. Like she was like fine. Like if you just ask

like she would have given it to him. But he's a klepto and so he insisted on stealing it so when she was gone so she was like i'll give you some head i was like no no no i'll wait till you fall asleep i'll get something it was like i guess it was like i respect that i think yeah i think it was like a challenge for him yeah so you go into a room and you would take her adderall and like so then she started counting it and then um like she still noticed it was going missing so then she hit it and it was still going missing and then it was like she like would like put it in a box in another box in her closet she'd rush and dollar adderall and he's still a time to like go in and search her hole. Like she would come back to her room, see that it's like was gone through,

and then that her Adderall was missing. So then she, I mean, she even tried like locking her door. He had like picked the lock or whatever. This is like. This dude. Yeah. Bro, I love this guy. So this is like not watching TikTok tutorials on how to pick locks.

Yeah. This sounds like your roommate's boyfriend was Catherine Zeta-Jones. So then. I don't know who that is. I don't know it. She gave Michael Douglas cancer from her pussy. Did I clear it up? Okay.

Oh, yeah. Got it. Got it. She's an entrapment. She's a master thief and entrapment You may have seen the gif of her She's in tights and she's ducking under red wires And stuff

But she's got a cancerous vag Can you explain that? The cancer part? She has HPV is what I'm saying Jesus So then So then she starts crushing up her Adderall and she draws a line.

Goodness gracious. So that at least she could it would be clear, I'm marking this out. I know that you're stealing my Adderall. So then She thought she was just miscounting? She thought she was maybe miscounting, so she was like, okay, if I draw a line so then

the line still goes down, like, significantly. So then she crushes up birth control and then puts that in. And then that starts going. He, like, takes that. That goes down. He gets fat. And then. You get titty?

And then, yeah, apparently he got, like, kind of, like, tits. Like, he started. They think. They don't know if it was in their head. But, like, they think apparently he got, like, kind of, like, tits. Like, he started... They think... They don't know if it was in their head, but, like, they... Because that's, right? Birth control and estrogen? Estrogen.

So then... Which is funny if you think about it. Like, we're going to turn you into such a woman you can't even have kids. We're going to figure out the science behind that. God bless them.

We're going to pump you full of so much womanhood you can't even get pregnant So then Then he like confronted them Or then like They confronted him about it And then he

I wouldn't be confronted about shit I just kept teasing him Put on a couple there pal You carried a little baby weight. Well, then they confronted him. They were like, you've been, like, snorting Adderall, or birth control this whole time. And he was like, no, I haven't. But then he got mad, and yeah, so that was like an amoeba.

He got mad? Yeah, he got mad. Bro, when you are carrying out Ocean's 11-level license to steal Adderall, which is, I gotta imagine, the easiest drug to obtain on the market. I haven't tried to get Adderall, which is I gotta imagine the easiest drug to obtain on the market. I haven't tried to get Adderall in quite some time, but back when I was prescribed Adderall, I had to walk into a doctor's office and go,

there's trouble focusing sometimes. And he's like, here you go, Adderall. That was all it took. That's why, and she was like, I literally will just give it to you. But I think he was just addicted to the game. But then he ended up getting played. He got fat. Maybe I can't say this office.

But I've seen people walk into an office and go, anybody got Adderall? And people just offer it up like candy. Maybe if you want to say it, I'll say. Anybody have Adderall in this office? I've said it. I've been more embarrassed in this office to take a multivitamin than I was to take Adderall in this office? I've said it. I've been more embarrassed in this office to take a multivitamin

than I was to take Adderall. I hid multivitamins in my desk and would bend down and take them whereas I would stand up and go, anyone have drugs? You know what would combat that is if we had the KFC radio multivitamins. And then you're just had the KFC radio multivitamins

What's that? And then you're just taking the KFC radio multivitamins How about KFC radio birth controls? I want to know What she was doing So she's the one without the boyfriend How long did this go on for? How long was he taking birth control?

I don't know And what was she doing when she wasn't taking birth control? What? And what was she doing when she wasn't taking her birth control? She has extra birth control? I don't know. And what was she doing when she wasn't taking birth control? And what was she doing when she wasn't taking her birth control? She has extra birth control. That's a thing? I think so. I don't know. I have an idea. I didn't think it was. If I was having sex

with someone who was in the middle of a long con, she's like, just so you know, I'm not on birth control for a while. I am crushing it up and hiding in a pill bottle so my roommate's boyfriend can go and sit. Alright, so we're not going to have sex for a while. I got a lot of Adderall lying around

now, though. What's your second topic? Do you have one? Third topic, yeah, sorry. I didn't. Did anybody... Yeah, I got one for you. I didn't. Did anybody? Yeah, I got one for you. Banana slugs.

Okay. All right. So... How many banana slugs do you think is too many to have kissed? No, no, no, no, no, no. What is a banana slug? What's a banana slug? Yeah, one. What's a banana slug?

Yeah. One. One banana slug is too many banana slugs to kiss. And this is for a man who eats malts. Oh. Yeah, first of all, whatever's about to go down, do not act like you are above me in any way.

Well, I'm going to. Okay. So turns out this wasn't as normal as I thought it was going to be, but I was under the impression that we all had banana slug kissing competitions in fifth grade during fifth grade camp. What made you think that? So I guess that fifth grade camp.

This is the clear difference between you and I. When I say I eat malts, I know that's unique. I know that's unique. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're kissing these things and being like, I know everyone does this. We will be flooded with comments tomorrow that's saying, I also did this at fifth grade camp.

We also had... Maybe it's just like a West Coast thing. Yeah, yeah. Never call it the best coast ever again. Okay, okay, okay. It's just a West Coast thing. Never call it the best coast ever again. It's just a Cali thing. You know you're from Cali when you fucking suck slugs. So, that was something I guess like the counselors, there was fifth grade camp. And then they tell you, there's banana slugs.

And they're like, okay, have these, try and kiss asugs and they're like, okay, have like these, like, try and kiss as many as you can. And you have a competition of... These fucking perverts. Yeah. How old are these camp counselors? You're in fifth grade, how old are the counselors? 20-something. Oh, Jesus Christ. God! Pedophiles! It's not like...

They're having you fucking fifth graders kiss phallic-looking insects? Pedophiles. I didn't think about that. You didn't think about that? I was in fifth grade. Well, I imagine it's run through your mind a time or two since then. We're talking about it now.

Then there was this one time, and this was a scarring experience for me. Sounds like the whole thing was. Yeah, I guess now it has a different context. Show us on this doll. There was this one banana slug that I was trying to get to. 58. It was going to be my 58th banana slug that I kissed that week. 58?

Yeah. I forgot to mention. And that was on the left. Jackie, why did Nick have to bring this up? I like really, okay. I don't think I've kissed 58 women. Because I think this was

a traumatic. And I'd worked so hard and also like and I was neck and neck with like one of my friends and I was about to beat her. So I see this banana slug and I was like

I'm going to go get this banana slug. But it was in a tough spot and it was between like these two rocks. And so I like crouched down and, like, both legs on each rock. And then I slip, and I ate the banana slug, and I crushed it with my face, and then had to spit out the dead banana slug.

And it was a really scarring experience. Did you count it? Yeah, I kissed it, but then I killed it. You're a necrophiliac? No! You're pinning all of us with stuff that we don't want to be pinned with. Yeah.

I know, it's been a very fun segment. What'd you call it? Three subs? So you are, yeah, three subs? So you are Yeah three subs So you are You kissed Fifty Fifty eight banana slugs And now you went back

To camp next year And you did it again? I think that was Technically my fifty ninth That was your fifty ninth For the record Okay so I apologize

For insulting you You are You are a much better Banana slug kisser Than I'd given you credit for Thank you I just And And I would have gone more You are a much better banana slug kisser than I'd given you credit for. And I would have gone more, but I was a little scarred from that experience.

Having smelled the dead banana slug, I didn't go any further, but I would have if that didn't occur. Was this all in one day or was this like... You cannot kiss 50 banana slugs in one day, Nick. Okay, you wouldn't know. None of you would know. But it took weeks. Not weeks, like days, because we only went for a week. But yeah, so that was that. And I probably haven't brought it up because it was traumatizing.

Yeah, still averaging like eight a day. It certainly sounds it. It makes a lot of sense that that is traumatizing. I think you need to go back to camp. You need to find out who those camp counselors are and you need to fight them.

Or put them in jail. Or make a documentary. Fight those abusers. 58 banana slugs. I would like to know if anybody else, if anybody else listening has had this

banana slug kissing competition. The only people who are going to have this are the people who also had Steve and Rick as camp counselors. It's a thing. Oh, man. I guess.

But yeah, go back and fight them. And you know what you need to do before you go back and fight them? You need to get light boxers and you need to train. Look at you. You need to fucking train your light boxer, which I do every single night. I have done light boxer every single day for one month straight now.

It is hands down the best workout I've ever had in my life because it's quick. You can do it. They have 10-minute express workouts. They have 15-minute workouts. They have 20-minute workouts. They have 30-minute workouts. They have just-minute workouts. They have 20-minute workouts. They have 30-minute workouts. They have just sparring sessions. I like the workouts, the trainer-led workouts,

because you also get off the thing instead of just throwing punches. You also do push-ups, squats, lunges, all kinds of ab shit. You get shred city. I mean, I'm a spitting image of a shredded specimen. If I was walking down the street, you'd be like, that guy's a boxer. That's what you'd think. Because

of light boxing for one month, I've been doing it. It's a no-brainer. Also, it's got fire songs. This morning, I think I worked out, too, it had, not Tove Lo, but who sounds like Tove Lo? The name that sounds like? First of all, I think it's Tove Lo. Tove Lo, whatever. I'm not from wherever Tove's from.

It was Lil Wayne. It was a rap one. Whatever, it was a rap one. It was advanced, too, because like I said, I've been doing it for a month. I sweat like a son of a bitch. You do. This, this, I was never a cardio guy. I was more just weights.

I sweat and do so much goddamn cardio with this. It's fun because it's like you're hitting things. You get a lot of anger out. I don't know if you notice. I'm much happier these days. Uh, it is, you, you sweat. You have fun. It's also got like the video game type thing. You're not just of anger out. I don't know if you noticed. I'm much happier these days. It is you sweat. You have fun. It's also got like the video game type thing.

You're not just hitting a bag. You're hitting lights. You're throwing combos, throwing uppercuts, throwing ducks, throwing slips. You're doing the whole shebang. It's got a team of gamers and DJs programming the punch sequences for every song. Every workout is unique and challenging. Every workout you stay on beat. There are different difficulty options, exclusive music.

You got Bieber, Post Malone, The Weeknd, all the best artists in the world. You don't realize, like, when I walk out, I'm dripping sweat. There's sweat all over the floor. I'm going to be honest, it's actually kind of disgusting. I have to sweat my floor up with a towel after I leave the room. But go to lightboxer.com slash KFC, get $200 off your purchase with the code KFC at checkout. That's $200 off your purchase with KFC at checkout. Go to lightboxer.com slash KFC.

Use KFC at checkout. Let's hit some voice measies. Hey, KFC. Fights, Jackie, Nick, Mike. Got a quick one for you about incest. So my girlfriend was telling me a story the other day about a guy that she went to high school with who started hooking up with a girl in high school off and on thing, kind of standard procedure. Well, this guy's dad was single and ended up dating and marrying the girl that he was hooking up with in high school's mom.

So now they are stepbrother and stepsister. I've also found out that recently he's still hooking up with the girl. I guess, like, obviously this is incest, right? There's no way this isn't incest. We'd love your thoughts, Viva. I didn't follow that train. All right, so they were hooking up. this is an incest. We'd love your thoughts. Viva. I didn't follow that train. All right, so they were hooking up,

and then this isn't our first time getting this question on this voicemail. I was going to say, that sounds familiar. Yeah, we've gotten this voicemail before, not this exact one, but this is not as uncommon as you would think, it seems. So these two people were hooking up. Their mom and their dad were single,

got together, got married. Now they're stepbrother, stepsister, and they fuck still. I think that's totally okay. That's fair game. I think obviously it depends on your age. Like if they happened when you were three and you just grew up together, that's fucking bizarre if you start fucking.

But if you're of fucking age and you're fucking, then be like, guess what? This is our family now you guys are the perverts for getting together and getting married parents i you guys your kids are fucking each other and you guys are gonna start fucking that's fucked up i think that that makes sense though because they're probably hanging out all the time waiting for the kids where are they hanging out well you think my parents hung out with my friend's parents all the time? My girlfriend's parents? See, like, my parents didn't hang out with my friend's parents,

but my friend's parents all hung out together. Like, so I see how they're, like... But not my girlfriend's parents. Yeah, true. Like, my girlfriend's parents, my parents, I don't even think they know my girlfriend's parents' names. Trying to defend them a little bit. It's like some shit, like... I guess it's kind of like if you wanted to do, these guys are the couple that's fucking, the kids.

They're the Native Americans. And then the pilgrims showed up and they're like, this is our country. No, no, no, no. We've been here. This shit was formed. This shit, like, you can't come in here and just say this is your house now. Like, this house has been fucked in by these bloodlines already. Get the fuck out of here if you think that this is your spot.

This is, you can do your best, and maybe legally you're going to take it, but just know it was ours first. And in the end, the Pilgrims are going to just ruin the relationship. Yeah, you fucked it all up by getting married. You fucking ruined it. You trying to give me a blanket? No, thanks. Not taking it.

I know your game now. They could probably make a hell of an OnlyFans, though. I said they could probably make an OnlyFans, though. Usually, I feel like that's the thing. Yeah, they could make an OnlyFans and just be like, we are actually. We don't even have to pretend that I'm stuck in the dishwasher. I'll just suck my stepbrother's dick right now. Exactly.

What do you think the cutoff age is that you could, like, fuck? I think, like, even high school would be too early. Like, I think, like, 20. If you're, like, 20 and then the parents got together, then it would be okay. No. think like 20 if you're like 20 and then the parents got together then it'd be okay no i was gonna say like 16 i was gonna say yeah if you've hit puberty yeah so it's you're already fucking and then the parents get married yeah oh yeah i mean i i don't know either one if the pet let's say let's say they haven't fucked before. Parents get married. What age is it weird if you fuck? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yeah. I think sub-14. So you're saying if you're 15 years old and your parents get married, you're still allowed to fuck each other? Yeah. Can't say I agree with that one, John. Well, I think 20. Most people have hit puberty by John. Well, I think 20. I think 20.

Most people have hit puberty by then, right? Like, I hadn't. It would have been weird for me because I was still – when I was 15, I was 8. But the – like, if you've hit puberty and you're like, I do sex, and it's like, I live with this person and she wants to do sex with me. I'll fucking do sex with you. I feel like once you're of an age, no. Once you're like an age, you have to be... Okay, how about this? If you're both not virgins, you can't lose your virginity

to each other. That's weird. That's, yeah. I think that it's better. It's not great. I think you two are being surprisingly quiet over here. What's the ages? I don't think any age. You don't think any age?

I mean... Your parents get divorced right now, Pavs. I hope it doesn't happen. Your mom, your dad, whichever one would hurt you less in this scenario. They get married to a person of the opposite gender. Maybe same gender. would hurt you less in this scenario. They start, they get married to a person of the opposite gender, maybe same gender,

who's been living a lot this whole time. Yeah. And they have a 21-year-old smoking hot daughter. And like, you meet at the first meeting of the families.

She's like, Mikey Pabst, I know you hate the troops, but I would. I'd fucking rock that dick off. You're like, no way. Our parents are like, we're siblings. I'm already thinking about the sexual tension the minute that she walks into the room. So I'm going to have to reconsider.

Pabst, I'm already going to the bathroom. You paint quite a picture. I mean, she didn't even have to be good looking. When you're in the same room, this went from never to a funny ugly girl as long as my parents are involved. Jesus Christ, Taps.

That was easy. Yeah. Alright, Jacqueline. I just feel like anything that I do. That was a breath away from being like, oh, fuck it, dude. What up, step bro? You want to go downstairs and wrestle, bro? Now I'm thinking about the position that you just painted. We didn't ask you to go downstairs and wrestle, bro? Now I'm thinking about

the position that you just painted. We didn't ask you to go that far. Not the whole, like, Pabst fucking thing. You know Pabst fucking stepbrother? Not that. I think,

I think like 20, once it's after 23, 23, you're an adult, 22, you're still a kid. What an arbitrary age that is. Did you say 22, you're still after 23. 23, you're an adult. 22, you're still a kid. What an arbitrary age that is. Did you say 22, you're still a kid? No, you're not. I'm, I'm.

You think I'm an adult? Do you think I'm an adult? That's some projection right there. I don't know. 23. 23, obscure. Weird. All right, next voicemail.

Hey, FD, what's up, F up vitalberg what's up jackie and everyone else um i'll just call it in see uh i had a question um so would you suck dick if you knew that come was the best tasting thing on earth like it's gonna be better than any sour patch kids or boy mignon you've ever had come is the best taste would you suck dick and try it let me know thanks guys definitely be in a michelin star restaurant what if that's the best thing I'm sure they'd have it

yeah okay here's the thing I don't need shit straight from the source like I don't go to Maine and fucking that's where I get my water from yeah I just fucking buy it at the store no you, you can't. You have to suck the dick. Jackie works at one of those restaurants.

It's part of the experience. Go and waft it, man. Don't just eat the food. Enjoy it. Go off in the back. It's a very gross man, but he's the best. Tastes fantastic I think like I don't know man

I don't think I need to have it I'd fucking If it was the best tasting In the world I'd get it powdered And mix it in with water I don't care You can't do that

I can't do it You have to suck it Powdered cum is quite the visual What's that? I said powdered cum Is quite the visual I mean you can get it Powdered cum is possible

I don't know that it. Powdered cum is possible. I don't know that it is. Oh, it definitely is. Cum gets dry. Anything dry, you can turn into a powder. This is true. I didn't think about the drying part of it. Yes.

Powdered cum. Celebrity powdered cum. Fool's martin. I've been secretly snorting my boyfriend's semen. I was just going to say they should have used that trick on your friends. What? Should have had a different dude just coming into things and fucking powdering it up and been like, mix that with the birth control, see what really happens. You just sprout a baby.

It's like those little sea monsters that they used to have in the 80s, that toy, where it just starts growing. Your friend accidentally grew a baby in a fucking Russian doll of powdered gum and anti-baby medicine. I think I would not. Dude, the ball gag thing,

just like, we kind of have our answer. I can't put things in my mouth. I don't know. I really thought you were going to puke. Yeah, it's just like right there. That fucking almost made me gag.

Even if cum was the best tasting thing in the world and I had to suck a dick to get it, it'd be like Sword of the Stone and I'm not King Arthur.

I just couldn't get the cum out. You'd be like, you're just putting your mouth on it, man. Come on. Oliver Twist. What's up, everybody?

I have a question, but I've got to set it up for you. I was listening to part of my take when they were talking to Carmelo Anthony. They bring up Kevin Durant going to the Warriors. And, you know, they were talking about how fans all got pissed off at that. But Kevin Durant was saying, you know, that was the most fun he ever had playing basketball. And, you know, we all called that a super team, but, you know, whatever. So my question is, if you guys could build a super team podcast with whoever was out there, let's just say you did a once-a-week thing,

who do you think you would have the most fun with doing a once-a-week podcast if you had to combine you and two others? And it doesn't have to be Barstool. My first thought was you guys with the Two Bears, One Cave would be awesome, and then adding another group of people in, I just feel like it would just be electric. So my question is, who would you guys want to build a super team with

of a podcast? Okay, before that voice-over started, I was saying, I always think I'm not that bad, and then I just talk. I'm like, no, you're the worst, man. Like, you're fucking... It's like, I just don't even... I you're the worst like you're fucking it's like I just don't even

I wish I didn't just say the things I say but I do but also like yeah unfortunately this voice was kind of a no brainer that is

exactly what I was gonna say I would have no interest in doing like I mean this is like if Joe Rogan was like you guys wanna come on the podcast I'd be like

yeah obviously but like I don't I don't like I you guys want to come on the podcast I'd be like yeah obviously but like I don't I don't like I don't listen to podcasts but the I don't even have any interest in like listening to that kind of shit because it is

and I don't know I'm speaking from a place of severe ignorance because I've never listened to it but like a lot of stuff that goes viral is like I don't know just things that don't really interest me that much

and like Two Bears One Cave they just seem like basically like me they just seem like they're just basically like me. Yeah, absolutely. They just seem like they're just kind of fucking around and having fun. Like, one of the funniest clips. It's just a fun conversation.

I'm not interested in being intellectually stimulated. Yeah. I'm interested in getting dumber and dumber and dumber every day until I die. One of their funniest clips is just when Tom finds out Bert's drinking, like, two gallons of Kool-Aid. Right. And it's just, like, 45 seconds of, like, laughter. And it's so fucking funny. And it's just like 45 seconds of like laughter and it's so fucking funny and it's just like it's like what i learned there uh bird drinks a lot of cool like that's it that's exactly i don't need much more than that i i want to learn that jackie kissed

58 slugs when she had pedophile camp instructors that's the shit i'm interested in talking about i'm not talking about naked arm bar i don't do the fucking conspiracies like i don't know man like none of us know what's the shit I'm interested in talking about I'm not talking about I don't do the fucking conspiracies I don't know man, none of us know what's the fucking fun in talking about something that no one knows about now, that's different than a hypothetical which is hypothetically could we fuck Adriano Ciaccio

with strap-ons I realized I don't know why the fuck I was thinking about this ATI questions hypotheticals I realized, I don't know why the fuck I was thinking about this. ATI questions, hypotheticals, are pretty much what they use on the ACT. Do you remember? Oh, you did SAT, right?

I never took the ACT. I tried to take them. The counselor said, you don't need to worry about this. I actually, I was talking about this recently. I forget if I was talking about it on a podcast or not. But I went to a pretty good New England boarding school. And expensive. And I bet I'm one of the few people in that school's history where the guidance counselors were like, have you even applied to college?

Like, the college counselors were like, dude, like, like no one's asked us for your records. And I was like, well, who would ask you for my records? They're like colleges.

And I was like, I have to like, what am I supposed to do? Like, have you heard of like the common app? I think it was, that was called. Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, no, what's that? And they're like, like I, like they had to chase me down to apply to colleges. Yeah.

This school was like, for like, like you're going to good colleges if you go to this school. Yeah. And people were just, they're like, they had to chase me down to apply to colleges. This school was like, you're going to good colleges if you go to this school. And people were just, they were like, have you even thought about your future even a little bit? And I was like, no. Not for a second to this day. I have not thought. But what were you saying about the ACTs? Because, yeah, I was like, should I take the ACTs? They're like, no.

You focus on the SATs, son. ACT pretty much had, like, an AGI question, but it was just, like, family friendly. It was, if you could meet any person throughout all of history, who would you want to meet and what would you ask them? You were supposed to, like, write a five-paragraph essay in, like, 45 minutes or something about it. That was, like, Dave's question the other day he put out on Twitter. Just the most common question ever asked of all time. If you could have dinner with three other people,

who would it be? Dave just had to ask it in his Dave way. The number one asked question in a hypothetical fun thing. Three people dead or alive, who would be at your table? Who would you go golfing with? If I had to sit down at a table with anyone in the world, it would be zero people.

I would just sit down with my iPhone and my Nomad case and my Nomad lightning charger and my Nomad case for my headphones. Because I only want to talk to people. You know what? Let's be honest. Let's be honest with the listeners here. I don't even want my phone with me. But I'm doing an ad read, so I'm going to say I want my Nomad case with me and my Nomad wallet to pay for said dinner. Nomad started as a Kickstarter in 2012 with the goal of building an ultra-rugged and minimalist tool for the 21st century. Nomad.

Based in Santa Barbara, California, Nomad makes mobile accessories that not only look good, but are there when you need them most. Do you want to know how good these accessories look? They sent me a bunch of stuff. I had it on my desk for 24 hours, and someone at this company stole all of it. It's real leather accessories. They look rugged. One person,

I know who stole it. He sits next to me. I see his iPhone case every day. It looks awesome. It's Rudy, and he's going to come in here. iphone case every day it looks awesome it's rudy and he's gonna come in here he's texting me right now he's asking if he can come film me do something and he's gonna come in here and i'm gonna pretend like i don't know that he has my rugged nomad leather iphone uh headphone ipod airpod there it is airpod case the crewman the crew at nomad was tired of dealing with the flimsy charging cables that seem to fall apart every time everyone has those these they got lightning cables they are

they're they could look i i can lie on this podcast i can lie whatever i want to do because i'm an american and guess what a bear could try and chew through these cables it wouldn't get through like i said i started that with a lie so so you know I'm lying. A bear could probably do it. But a regular wear and tear? No way. Not going to ruin these cables. And it's just, you look sleeker. Everyone gets the rubber cases. They get the bulky cases with their wallets, which is crazy if you ask me.

People just put everything that matters in their life in one single thing. These are sexy, cultured, and I can't think of a third word. But. There's just. You know what you're a gentleman. Sophisticated. Sophisticated is a great word. Sophisticated cases.

For iPhones. For AirPods. For everything. They got wallets. Someone stole my wallet too. I'd like that one back. But it's. They use leather from Horween Tannery in Chicago.

Best smell in the world. Climate neutral certified brand. Check out Nomad Goods. Wait, check out Nomad at nomadgoods.com slash KFC to see what living the nomad life is all about. That's nomadgoods.com slash KFC. Oh, and guess what? They also have AirPod watches. AirPod, and guess what? They also have AirPod watches. AirPod, I'm sorry.

They also have Apple Watch stuff. They have everything. If you need leather goods, you go to Nomad. Go to nomadgoods.com slash KFC to see what living the nomad life is all about. That's nomadgoods.com slash KFC. Last voicemail, Mikey Pavs paths hit me with it what's up ksc fights nick jackie whoever else is there just driving to class here and i was listening to electric field by mgmt and it got me thinking what song or songs would you if you well if you could travel back in time

say like 1900 and you could bring like three songs with you what would they be and yeah thanks see ya alright three songs you take with you

to the 1900s to really blow people's fucking nips off. One, Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe. Two, Lil Wayne, John. Three, Taylor Swift, Boy Oh Boy. I am going to think those are two more upbeat songs. So three, I am going to go Taylor Swift, All Too Well. Fuck.

All right. If you didn't take that, I was going to change one of my picks immediately to All Too Well. I'm Going Yellow Lead Better by Pearl Jam. Then Landed by Ben Folds. Again, these are first three that came to the top of my head. And then Dammit by Blink-182. Oh, good one with the punk rock in there. Zach.

Cycle Back. I can't think of anything. Jackie. Cycle Back. I can't think of anything. Favs. Runaway by Kanye West. Okay, good one.

Mr. Brightside by The Killers. And Exo Tour Life by Lil Uzi. That's a good three for three there, Pabs. I like that. Zach? All right, we'll go give you one. You'll go one and one with Jacqueline. All right, I'm going to go Levels by Avicii.

Good. Jackie? Fuck! Go to two. Two. I'm going to do a Lil Nas song, I'm thinking. They'll really just blow their fucking dicks off. I can't believe the gays are out and about like that.

Lil Nas, I'm pregnant. Montero, call me by your name, Lil Nas, that one. Okay, call me by your name, Lil Nas. Jackie, two. Fuck. Zach, three. Zach, three. I can't think fast.

No shit. Jackie, you. I can't think fast. No shit. Jackie, you could have saved the last word. Shut the fuck up. It took you a little while. No. Brown-Eyed Girl. Brown-Eyed Girl, Van Morrison. Good one, Jackie.

There you go. Thank you. Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown. Boy, all Morrison. Good one, Jackie. There you go. Thank you. Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown. Boy, all right. Something fucked. Really leaning into that sexual abuse thing. This is who I am. This is who I'll be.

I might have to retract that one. I don't know if he was sexually abused. It might have just been physical. No, it was just physical. Yeah, it's fine. Jackie, two more. Okay, this is good because i have one perfect no pressure no pressure no pressure welcome yeah girl sorry i don't even have a thing on me um um

i feel like you were lying when you said you had one. No, no, no. You got to be honest with me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because that was about a minute ago. And it's... Wouldn't hate it no way, our song on there. I could have put about an hour ago.

That's... Dreams and Nightmares, Meek Mill. Dreams and Nightmares would be a good one. That was... Okay, oh. I have a quick story so you can find your number. Okay, thank God. Dreams and Nightmares is when I knew the Patriots were losing that Super Bowl. It is a sad song for me because – I've told this story before,

but me and Hank sat in the Patriots family section for Super Bowl 51, Minnesota. And we had great, great seats in the end zone family section and the Eagles came out to dreams and nightmares and I was like okay whatever he said I don't know the lyrics but when that happened we were going nuts and it was just it was instinctual it took over our bodies we just like fucking we're losing our fucking minds tonight boys let's go and didn't even realize that it was the eagle song i mean we knew it was the eagle song but like it just like it just hits you and like you like just you can't stop you can't not go and then i locked eyes with brian flores's brother who looks exactly like brian flores and we but it we both came to a realization then like, oh, fuck, we are just dancing to the Eagles song right now.

We both stopped, but I knew from that moment, I was like, there's a bad juju in the air tonight. Also, that later, but it wasn't so bad that when Brady got the ball back and I was texting Welker being like, here's the shirts I want on sale, here's the shirts we got to get ready to go, and Welker was like, you're such a motherfucker. I can't believe that you're like, we were like 15 rows back

from winning another Super Bowl, and you don't even care about the game on the field. You want to make sure the merch is ready to go. And none of it went on sale. But then I also, I think I made a lot of the Philly merch that Super Bowl too. That's the game. You never

lose when you play both sides. I actually have two. That wasn't the game You never lose when you play both sides I actually have two That wasn't the game I'm just going to say both I had a feeling you were First one We have to suck the dick to get the good You choose four songs

Whatever Are you going to be my girl? Good one You are providing an eclectic You choose four songs. Okay. Whatever. Whatever. Are you going to be my girl? Jet. Jet. Yep. Good one. You are providing an eclectic picture. I appreciate that. The underdog.

I don't know if I know this one. Spoon. I don't know if I know this one. I don't know. Did you just want to say spoon? Is this one Mike? I knew it. Mike, also, when we were driving down to Atlantic City on Friday, Jackie put on a song, and

maybe three seconds into the song, Mike stopped and just goes, You know what I've realized? All girls' music just sucks. This is fucked up because also, I had played the first song. You added the song to your playlist. And then the second song, we were less than a minute in. What?

I'm talking to the camera. You're on the wrong camera oh oh yeah we were less than a minute in and then he said that so he didn't even listen to my music then i ended up playing more songs which you guys both said were good i didn't i'm not a music star. Mike is, but I'm not. I don't really care. You want to listen to whatever. It wasn't the first song. It was the first song right away I said that, yeah, your music sucks.

I don't know what song it was. The second song I added. The first song was good. You added. Also, he said there's no artistic. He also said there's no artistic integrity in any of the new songs, more recent songs. And then he just pulled out his phone and was like,

all Olivia Rodrigo and Drake. And I was like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Just because those are the two most recent albums that I've been listening to. But in general, I would say that most girls my age, at least, have a poor taste in music. What do you mean my age? Like 22. You're just talking about me.

You're just saying that I have bad music. You're extrapolating a lot from Jackie. At one point, she was playing Mason Ramsey. She did do that. She went, oh, this is going to be a banger. You're not going to like this, but then put on Mason Ramsey. I was like, Mason Ramsey's heat. Thank you!

I knew that was going to happen. I want to be famous for loving you? No, it was funny. Famous for loving you is a fucking bang piece. True, I agree. Alright, we've been talking about it too long this episode is over

we will we'll see we'll see you later welcome see you later we'll see we'll see you later

bye see you later Jackie see you later see you later see you later Paz see you later John see you later guys see you later

see you later see ya later bye