KFC Radio - Underraged Drinking ft. Pat

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

Timecodes: 0:00 Start 00:19 Pat beat diabetes 02:52 How KFC spends his money 06:48 Pat is getting new teeth 17:27 Drinking stories 34:17 The thrill of underaged drinking 47:15 White Trash tendencies 57:53 Do gay guys like "cool" dudes? 01:09:45 Two types of guys ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Blue Chew: Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code KFC -- just pay $5 shipping. https://BlueChew.com Jackpocket: GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, in NY Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPE-N-Y. 18 or older (19+ in Nebraska, 21+ in Arizona). Jackpocket is not affiliated with any State Lottery. Void where prohibited. 1 per new customer. Enter promo code at checkout for $2 non-withdrawable credit. See terms at jackpocket dot com slash tos slash free slash ticket slash promo. Sponsored by Jackpocket. Based on 2024 iOS download data collected by Sensor Tower. Birddogs: Get a completely free hat @birddogs with code KFC at https://www.birddogs.com/KFC #birddogspod Hulu: See the new Hularious stand up special, Bill Burr: Drop Dead years- streaming on Hulu March 14th Evan Williams: Visit https://EvanWilliams.com to find a bottle near you. Netflix: Watch Love is Blind Season 8, now playing only on Netflix and don’t miss the reunion this Sunday, March 9th at 6pm PT/9pm ETYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. You wanna hear how trash I am? It's a quarter. I didn't think sushi came out until, like, 2010. Dude, one of my favorite storylines is pre-diabetes Pat. You were just talking about it the other day or something on Twitter or something on social media, whatever it was. And every time I see that and I'm reminded of it, I get such a fucking kick out of you being diabetic.

It's going to happen. You're going to be diabetic. I can't believe I'm not. I actually don't eat as bad as people think anymore. Once I kicked my ice cream addiction, I had a pint of ice cream every day for probably three and a half years. That's crazy. I just started doing that because I'm like, I guess ice cream helps you fall asleep. I have trouble falling asleep.

I'll scoop out French vanilla ice cream from Trader Joe's, the most delicious ice cream on earth. Scoop that out. I have like maybe 20 spoonfuls. I used to put down a pint, like just whatever's in the pint. However big the pint was, I'm going to eat it. If there's the quart, I would probably eat the quart. Like it's just, come on in.

You're in. But you of all people being diabetic is just so fucking funny are you officially diabetic no i've i was i ate my way out of it because i had to like i stopped the energy drinks and i stopped m&ms which i was i mean drinking one now which literally like literally killing me the doctor's like you're gonna die if you don't stop eating did you why did you did you just go on a checkup or was something – Checkup. Because I remember there was that time you thought you had AIDS.

Yeah. That was very funny too. You were like sluggishly like I'm dying. I was poisoning myself with sugar. But is that what led to the checkup or did you just – okay. So you were feeling like garbage. Yeah. It wasn't just like a –

How much sugar do you eat? Not that much. And like I'm active. So it's like I don't – Like if he has it, you have it. No, because I've been to the doctor's. No, I know you have. But you don't.

But I'm saying like you should. Yeah, they're like you're great. This is my thing about – I was told by a doctor – You need a new doctor. In February. I think it was February. I was told – so it was early in the year.

But he's like you're the healthiest person I've seen this year. This is my thing about human life. But I was like you don't understand what I do to it. You were his only patient. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Especially okay let's say yes you might you can be chugging and eating

and check out at like age 40 and yeah that's tragic. But for the most part humans are going to live between like 65 and 85. 40. And yeah, that's tragic. But for the most part, humans are going to live between like 65 and 85. Yeah.

Yeah. And so, you know, David Goggins is out here running ultra marathons. He'll cash out at like 87 and I kicked the bucket at like 79. And guess what? I didn't do spend my whole life. Like, you know,

grind into the pavement and you know what I mean? It's just like, that's how I am. We're the same ballpark money. Yeah. Yeah. My buddy buddy's an accountant so he's trying to talk to you about money recently and he's like you got to have it in this fund that's gonna get you 12 return like that only gets you 16 i was like what the fuck is the difference it's until you can reach another like bracket of of money where it's like you know it's like you if you have single digit millions what's the difference between like seven and nine?

What's the difference between six and eight? Either way. You tell me Kevin. What is the difference? You're a rich motherfucker. I mean, I kind of learned that. Like, I don't know. It's like, I don't have enough money to like be crazy.

So I'm, I'm, you know, yeah. But does your money make enough money where it's like, you don't, you're living just off your interests that you're making right now no because i bought the house i'm renovating the house like i'm doing big expenses still you're you're irish so you're bad with money and i mean i you know i just went through the renovations the the divorce settlement like i'm still imagine if he goes broke i'm worried about being that guy I mean in the very beginning

it was a fat tax bill yeah bunch of divorce like bills then the divorce settlement and then the house like it's

it has not been like smooth sailing you know kind of Dodge Viper you got no that that stuff I don't do the medieval statues you live like

Nicholas Cage permanent whirlpool that I don't do and like I don't travel much but like yeah i'm hoping that i can do that but it's you know you never travel no you don't do anything i don't do anything i don't do anything so like be better i gotta start doing stuff yeah i gotta start doing stuff i gotta start doing stuff i always we had this this discussion not too long ago though like john is like a travel and experiences person and i'm a very like i'm into people in a weird way there's

also times when like get the fuck away from me i don't want to hang out but like i could text with someone and talk with someone and do content with them and talk and that like fulfills me more so than like let's go somewhere that's gonna be sitting at the bingo hall with a bunch of white trash like you and like it's fine you know what i'm trying to get out of on my phone is like i am getting the social interaction that i need from my phone i need to put it down and like it's fine you know what i'm trying to get out of on my phone is like i am getting the social interaction that i need from my phone i need to put it down and like fucking go i guess so i don't know though i mean to me yeah it's probably better to be in person and place doing places it's whatever you like like i i happen to like fun like traditionally what people think of as fun like going to games and events and I don't know. I enjoy it.

But if I just enjoy it, I go, honestly, here I get treated like I'm the weirdo. It's like, I don't know. They're just, what fun is. And I like doing fun things.

But if you like, if fun is texting, if fun is reading, if fun is doing a puzzle. It's comfortable. I think, I've talked to Owen about this, owen is kind of like me and it's mostly like we kind of just get comfortable it's not we're having fun we're comfortable texting all that but like if you go have fun

you're like this is pretty fucking fun yeah yeah you're like no one goes and is like this sucks it's much better like i'm like oh I'll be on like a dating app. And now it's like a pain in the ass. I'm like, I go out, I meet 10 times as many people and half the time. And it's like a regular, much more fulfilling interaction than being on my phone. Yeah. I, I, I'm just like a homebody. So like, I really genuinely love like finishing up the day of work, getting home, getting

comfortable, watching TV, comfort food, like all that shit. I put a fire on. Like I love that, you know. But that's not. Do you almost feel like money is like pressure to. I feel like a lot of people come on here and they're like, what are you doing with it? Yeah.

Yeah, totally. And I'm like, that's where, I mean, I don't know whether I have this much. Unless you're going to jump to a level where it's like, I don't know. Yeah, I can buy like literally whatever I want, do whatever I want. this much unless you're gonna jump to a level where it's like i don't know yeah we can i can buy like literally whatever i want do whatever i want you kind of can like to a degree can you buy me new teeth i want new teeth in the worst fucking way how much do teeth you have you have good teeth are expensive these are expensive why do you have a teeth like what's a lot they're like 2500 bucks a tooth uh what this guy's a tooth. We can get that knocked down.

It's been knocked down. I got a call with him on Wednesday. Really? I'm going to knock it down again. Wait, $1,000 a tooth, and how many teeth do we have? Well, most people do. Mine would be 10 on top, 6 on bottom. But I knocked him down.

We'll have to bleep these numbers, I guess. Whatever. You get even ears? Maybe. I'm bored. Didn't you just say that's what he's starting for? I feel like he's the number one dentist literally in the country. It is one of those things you don't want to skimp on.

Yeah. But also, I think it's one of those. It's borderline vet and mechanic where it's like $4,000 a tooth. Fucking why, man? Why? Because it's like, I know you desperately want to change your teeth. That's why. I don't think the materials are.

You're not getting teeth made out of diamonds, dude. You know? I do think – I mean, that is fucking expensive, and I will not be paying for it for you. But if you can figure – if you can figure it out, it seems like everybody I know, like the Will Comptons's of the world like it really changes your life yeah i don't think you have that bad like will look like he was chewing on rocks for his whole life like he he was really bad teeth and to the point that like you know people said like i used to smile without showing my teeth and i was self-conscious and people would judge me that's the sort of shit like you you become a different person confidence wise you know like you can't put

a price on that bro like i went into this guy's office, and he was on my Instagram, and I went in, and I get why he's successful. I walked in, Pat, how you doing, man? Someone else comes in, you should have her on your show.

I'm like, oh, he researched me? They're all salesmen. This guy was five-star treatment. Remember when you used to get impressions when you were younger? Yeah. They have a thing now, it's just a wand, this guy was five star treatment remember when you used to get impressions when you were younger like you put the the gunky shit

so they have a thing now it's just a wand where they like wipe it over your teeth and it builds a 3D like model of your teeth on the ceiling

it's fascinating yeah it looks like it looks like an electric toothbrush a scanner almost yeah yeah I mean like I wouldn't think of it as like you're paying for teeth

you're paying for like comfortability that's the first time in my life I've looked in the mirror And I've been like oh you're aging I've never looked at your teeth I've never been like Pat has bad teeth But have you like in your what 40 Have you looked in the mirror and been like

I need to look younger or like change the way I look I guess it's different for straight people It's all I think about Yeah you queens are just fucking I am hammering the gym. I can't speak for all straight people. I enjoy it. I'm like, you look older, dude.

Fuck. Really? Well, for guys – yeah, like – It sucks for you guys. My whole life – It's great for dudes. I was like – I was the baby face guy. And I think I'm not the baby face guy anymore.

And I like that. I was all like – because I was like 16. I had braces and like – But you guy anymore. And I like that. I was all like, because I was like 16. I had braces. But you look younger because you stop boozing. When people stop boozing, the eye bags go away like you look younger. That's why I have fucking raccoon eyes. I'm not drinking with gas until 3 in the morning on Sunday. Forget about how you look.

It's just a fact that you're spending time with gas. I was hungover until we did golf this morning. Until this morning. I was like, why do until this morning yeah i was like why do you feel bad it was like oh you were hammering tequila until three and i just can't do it i'm so out of the game now i like i'll have cocktails but i like i really don't think i'll ever like have a night like that maybe ever again where i'm like ripping shots down to one day i'm down to one day a week i don't do anything friday night and then because i'll like go play basketball on

saturday sweat and then saturday i all every saturday i got suckered into going out and it's just i'm like teetering on not doing you not drink in the gay world what do you mean i feel like there's probably a lot of pressure in general in drinking i feel like yeah gays when you're partying you can't be like i don't drink no that's like i would be i would i already don't have a social life i would have naked naked Can you be out there and be like I'm still at the club and shit and not drinking Or they be like funneling it down your throat Of course not

You know what I think is crazy People who drink mocktails I think are the craziest people in the world Those have to be worse food than alcohol It's all sugar You want 60 grams of sugar right now You're just having the margarita mix It's like Charlie Kelly You're just drinking like the margarita mix. It's like Charlie Kelly. Like you're just drinking mixers.

Shout out Ray. Yeah, I was just going to say. She's starting to show on like mocktails or something. Oh, good luck. Good luck, girl. I mean literally the concept of the show. There's a guy on Summer House who opened up a non-alcoholic bar. And I'm like, just open a restaurant or something.

You know what I mean? I don't know. I do like the cans, but that's not really not. I genuinely do. I drink those. Not every night, but close. But that's not really a – it's still kind of giving me a bump. What do you drink?

A can of what? No, it's called a can. Like a cannabis can? Cannabis can. It's weed infused seltzer is what I'm responsible for. You drink – when I was skiing with you, you drank a fake beer when we were up there. Yeah, you used to do that in Ace, bro. I'll drink an Ace, yeah.

I think it was so uncomfortable because I was slamming for it. And then I disappeared in the bar because I knew he wanted to go. So I kind of like disappeared. Some people looked at me. I like went and talked. I was like hiding from him. I was like, we can stay for like another four hours, right? He was like, no.

I was like, all right. I mean I've never been like too much of a peer pressure, someone to succumb to peer pressure. So maybe it's just not, it's different for me. But like, I'll just drink a water or a fucking soda. Like, I don't need to pretend. Like, look at my martini glass here. To me, that's like, you're fucking.

I just rather not drink. Were you like that when you were younger? That's what I mean. Yeah, I've never really been a peer pressure I think the longer I've not really drank The more At first I was like Getting something in your hand

And then now it's been like probably two years Something like that And I like I'll have one or two But like I used to have I used to drink NAs Like I drank beers Yeah you'd have

I remember you'd get buckets of them Yeah Killing buckets drink NAs like I drank beers. Yeah. I remember you would get buckets of them. Killing buckets of NAs. I feel like bars have a case of them. They're getting so popular now. Are they? Yeah. Dude, particularly when I was in Ireland. Drinking's down, bro.

Ireland was crazy. Those kids aren't drinking. Fuckin' losers. Ireland, every bar had Heineken Zero on tap. They had Guinness Zero on tap. I was going to say, can you get a Guinness? Like a full pour Guinness that is NA? Because Ireland, despite the fact that we think of them

as drinkers, and obviously they are, if you're driving, you can blow 0.0. That's it. You don't get the.08. At least that's what my parents told me. Well, they're all on horseback. Have better sex! Now that i have your attention have better sex with blue chew that was a office office reference i don't know if people are going to get it that's an old show uh have better sex with blue chew blue chew is the original brand

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Voidware prohibited. One per new customer. Enter promo code at checkout for $2 non-withdrawable credit. See terms at jackpocket.com slash TOS slash free slash ticket slash promo. Sponsored by Jackpocket. Based on 2024 iOS download data collected by Sensor Tower. You think an ATM in a bar has ever been used for anything other than Coke? Every time I'm in a bar, I'm like, I know why that's there.

And you look over and the guy's like, probably not. That's like a cash-only bar, which I hate. Every bar has an ATM. No bar needs it. Yeah. Not now, at least. I remember when I was in high school, not my best friend, but one of my buddies, his dad was an architect. And he did bars in New York.

And he was explaining to us that, I was like, oh, I bet you do no doors so there can't be drug use in the bar. And he was like, dude, it's the exact opposite. He's like, every bar wants six private bathrooms because they want to be known as the Cobra. The bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I remember, like, there was a couple bars that I would go to that had, like, a full, like, ceiling to floor nice door. And I used to be like, oh, this is, like, nice is like nice just like it's not a shitty bathroom and all my friends who do coke

were like yeah it's fucking awesome I was like I just like the privacy you're taking a dump at the bar you walk into the bar like I'm just gonna

take a pee real quick and you see a public bathroom like we'll see you later yeah it's funny that speaking of Guinness is that girls have just discovered

Guinness I saw that online. I was a big split the G guy and I haven't drank in years. So wait, girls are splitting the G? Yeah, girls are splitting the G. It's like a trend. I'm shocked it's so popular because it was really popular. I was doing a lot of splitting the G like three, four years ago.

I can't believe like now it's what? Just make it known that you started it no i'm definitely way cooler than you are all you fucking bitches no i wasn't looking at camera for that i was looking at you i feel like uh isn't guinness actually like notoriously low in calories which which i get that but it's also, you're drinking a milkshake. No! Yeah, you are.

I don't like it. I loved Guinness, and I would drink. I do, too, but you can tell me it's only 100 calories, but drinking 10 Guinness is hard. See, I found them pretty light. It's like a mental thing. If I think that it's going to be thick, it's thick. Yeah, I can see that, too. Maybe that's a placebo effect.

I'll drink most things though. Put it in front of me. There we go. I drink cum, I'll drink a Guinness. You name it. I'll take it straight from the tap. I like vodka though. Vodka's my drink.

I love A nice fucking Dude vodka's just Like alcohol to me You know it's just like It's just Really Like a glass of vodka

I hate when it gets cold It gets gelatinous Give me a nice No I'm 100% Room temperature People who store their vodka In the freezer I do like

Get a real one Yeah The real one knows That's not gonna go down so well But I do appreciate I'll do a little like You can shake it up With ice for me

Like I will like it cool But I don't like that That syrupy No I hate that I hate that Large does like you can shake it up with ice for me. Like I will like it cool, but I don't like that syrupy. No, I hate that. I hate that. Large does that. He frees it in a block of ice. What? Like he'll take a bottle of vodka and he'll make a block of ice around it.

That's insane. Yeah, he's nuts. He's off the booze. He's lost like 40-something pounds. Yeah, he's down. Big time. Big time, yeah. Yeah, I mean the only cocktail I've ever enjoyed then or to this day is espresso martinis.

I will drink a whole bunch of other shit, but the only one I enjoy, I guess a glass of red wine. But, like, I love an espresso martini. Everything else is, like, I'm drinking it to party. I got to get into those. I just think it's so cool. You have not got on the espresso martini train? I've never had an espresso martini. What?

Why not? You just talked about how you drink everything. I don't like coffee. I don't either. I love espresso martinis. Really? It's like a paradox. I don't like or I didn't really like – I don't like olives.

And vodka, I would shoot vodka, but I didn't really drink it that much. And I don't like olives, but I love dirty martinis. Really? It didn't make sense. You combine the two. I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, there's something about – there's something about like when I'm drinking coffee, I'm like I don't want this. When I'm drinking a alcoholic drink that's usually supposed to taste like shit and now it tastes like coffee, like the bar is lower.

It's like this doesn't have to taste amazing. I think they do. But it's like for alcohol, I'm getting fucked up. You have to get it down. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm excited for you. This is like when you find out that someone has not watched Breaking Bad and you get to watch it for the first time.

The fact that you're starting your espresso martini life right now, it's going to revolutionize your world. Do you make them at home? Are you like buy them? Like where do you get them? It's funny you say that. Oh, brother, I know exactly what I'm doing.

No, I still haven't even announced it. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But wouldn't it be great if you could make them at home? Yeah, that's always been – the thing about them was – it's actually how I met Jetski. Jetski made me an espresso martini when he was bartending in Hoboken because I – you used to have to like find a place that did it. You met Jetski before you worked here? Yeah.

I didn't know that. Did you get him the job? No. I don't think I realized it until he like got the job here And he was like, remember that time I was serving you martinis? And I was like, wait, what? Because it used to be like, do you make an espresso martini? And most times they would say no. And you'd have to go to a martini bar or upscale restaurant.

And even then they would be like, we make them, but you're a pain in my ass. Now it's like, I mean, you can go to an Italian bar. Yeah, it is a little bit that, for sure. For sure. But also, I mean, when you do need to pick me up at night, it's good. Like, that used to be a problem. I used to get to the point where I would order decaf espresso martinis, which now you're a real fucking asshole.

But, you know, I would have, like, seven. And, like, I'm fucked up from having seven martinis. But more importantly, my heart was beating out of my chest. Were you a big drinker? Yeah, in my day? For sure, man. I mean, I haven't in a long time, but I was... Like, you would go out a couple nights a week at least and get bombed?

Dude, yeah. When I was first living in Hoboken in the city, it was like... Yeah, every night. When did you slow down? What's the drunkest you've ever been? I didn't get out of control. I would get fucked up. My friends always told me that they couldn't tell the difference.

I don't have like a – That's a good trade-off. Yeah, yeah. Couldn't be me. You got the drunk eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one time I was at the Drift in the Hamptons, greatest summer bar of all time,

and I got introduced to Jameson Bombs. It was like Jaeger Bombs were like, you know, a thing, but they were on their way out. And this guy was giving me Jameson Bombs, Jamo Bombs. And it was Barstool had like started. It was like 2010, 11-ish. So it was like just started but was big enough in that community that these bartenders knew me and they were just and i i felt like that was actually

the only time i would get peer pressured is people would buy me shots and i always say yes to them yeah and so um i remember being i was out on my feet and i was the drunkest i've ever been and by chance my my crew was leaving the bar, and they found me. Have you ever been? Yeah, I mean, I remember, like, standing, like, just up against the wall, and they just, like, scooped me up. And it was, like, I think my cousin had just died. And I remember, like, we were on a cab ride. I was, like, crying. Like, why am I still here? But I really don't get like that,

so I think my friends are like, what the fuck? That was probably the drunkest I've ever been. I went to the hospital once. Did you? Yeah. To my first birthday. Classic.

Yeah. Classic. Did you get your stomach pumped? No, I woke up still so drunk, and then the guy next to me. So then I was talking, cause then I was on a party bus and I was like, they're like, cause the guy I was in love with, I was like, John was there. He definitely saw me being so drunk.

And then the guy next to me had just tried to kill himself because like his daughter, he was being like taken away from him and like, whatever. How old were you? I was 21. Like he, he was like next to me. He just goes, yo bitch, shut the fuck up.

Your problems ain't shit, bitch. And then every time. Your crush saw you a little drunk by losing my family over here. And I think about that every single time. And now whenever I have

a problem, I go, shut the fuck up. Your problems ain't shit. That's a good thing. I remember we all chewed up charcoal pills one night. You know, I don't know. That doesn't work, right?

Yeah, oh, my God. So we left the city. I think my friend was driving drunk, and so that's why he ate them. And we were all like, oh, yeah, I'm too. And we got out. We drove to the diner, and we all spill out. We had two cars. So they come out.

We all spill out of this guy's Jeep. Oh, this is a black. We're like cars. So they come out. We all spill out of this guy's Jeep. Oh, this is a black. We're like, let's get a bacon egg and cheese. And our friends who are also shit-faced were like, what the fuck happened in the Jeep, man? What were you guys doing? Remember pre-Uber? It was just whoever is the least drunk would drive. It was bad.

He's good. He's drunk. No, no, no. Just have a water, man. That'll offset the 12 beers you drank. Dude, I never did it, but I was constantly getting in the car oh which is almost worse at least like at least i'm like i know how much i am and not drunk you know i don't know you know how bad are you i don't know like i was my responsibility if i died yeah i was like i'll

die but i'm not gonna do you i yeah there was that i remember feeling that way for sure i mean it was so much crazy i i the the drunkest i've ever been which i don't i don't i don't have one but i'm pretty sure i got roofied because like i i've gotten it makes i've gotten extremely drunk a million times i'm always fine but the it was like like my friends like we didn't know what happened to you and it was in newport and then they just found me asleep in a bush by the pizza place and then when they got me up in a bush by the pizza place. And then when they got me up, they realized my head was split open. Oh, yeah.

And they took me to the hospital. Did the amount of times that like – Give me staples and shit like that. Oh, shit, I died or something like that. Oh, dude. I was actively trying to kill myself for a long time. It's impossible to die. It's so hard. Famous last words.

You're going to hit the bus somewhere out here. My friend fell down a flight of stairs that had to be like 30 steps to get up to our apartment it was we were on like the third floor but it was just two flights of stairs so it was really like two stories of steps each way it was like the third or fourth floor so it was like double stairs and i remember uh i actually had a I bought like one of those Sony like handheld cameras. It was almost like a flip thing before phones. And I took it out with us one night and I lost the footage. I would give anything to have it back.

And I was filming. He was so hammered all night. We were driving by the George Washington Bridge and he was screaming, George, fuck you, George. And we get like – I'm ahead of him. And I was filming him as we walk up the steps and we got to the very top and he just went timber and like just fell back and like tried to grab the rail railing and i just watched him like boom boom boom boom boom boom and i was like my friend's dead yeah he's fucking dead and he just got up like no problem like i think when you're that drunk

you're just loosey-goosey i don't know know what it was. Like, he was fine. I could not fucking believe it. Dude, when you think back on, like, there's a lot of deaths that didn't happen. My other friend went to an active construction site, was, like, walking on, like, cinder blocks, fell, and the rebar went through his shirt. Like, you know, like, rebar, that metal. Like, he fell. Like, it could have went into the right. It would have gone through him. And he would have just been, like, impaled in a fucking construction site.

By himself. I had that happen once. He was just wandering around by himself. I laugh. It is funny. They find him dead. We were drinking on a roof. And my buddy was, like, hanging over and slipped and fell.

And I was on the other side of the roof. And I could hear him screaming. And I could on the other side of the roof and I could hear him screaming and I could see his hands. How high were you talking? Dead if you fall? Like 30 feet. 20 feet. You're breaking your legs though. Like it's bad. And I so vividly remember this.

And I was sprinting across the roof like hoping to get him and I watched the hands slip. And I was like oh my fucking i'm like fucking run run run and i get my head over the edge and he's just laying on his back laughing and i was like dude what the fuck you scared me he's like what the fuck you let me fall like my best drinking buddy in high school uh we we had a house party it was during the summer he woke up he was a janitor's

he was working as a janitor at the local elementary schools so it was summertime and they were like getting the school ready cleaning it up for like whatever little community thing was going on there so we wake up in the morning and he's like fuck i'm late runs to work does not realize that someone had shaved a strip down his head. No. So he has, like, a chunk of his hair missing. And the guys are, like, janitors, like, blue-collar union guys, they're, like, getting a kick out of it.

They're working on the roof that day. And he's throwing garbage bags. Like, they need to move garbage bags from here to there. And at one time he grabbed it and he, like, spun around with it. And he threw it and lost his balance and, like, the fucking roof into like a pile of garbage with his head half shaved and we like kind of had an intervention for it we were like 18 years old being like you gotta slow down there's always the early adapters yeah he was he was a he could put him back shout out to my dead friend side Sidi. Guy loved it.

The most fun you could ever have drinking with someone. He would walk into a room, and people got scared. He was a guy. He was a big. You might have met him once. He was a big guy. He got worked up by NFL teams. Fucking huge.

We were in high school. He would bet 30 beers, and he'd sit on them by the fire, and he would pull them out until the box collapsed. That's it. All right, guys. Later. Time to go. and he'd sit on them by the fire and he would pull them out until the box collapsed. All right, guys, later. Time to go. Man, but he would walk into a room and it was like, you know, you have one friend, they're a little unpredictable. Oh, yeah.

He would walk in and people would be like, here we go. You don't know what they're saying. Here we go. God rest his soul. Dude, you saying the forgetting kind of deal like about his hair yeah reminded me my junior year of high school i had uh i was like mostly friends with the older class so like they had graduated it was senior week they're having parties i went to all the parties but i still had

my exams because i was a junior yeah so i i go go out one night partying until like 4 a.m. The house the party happened to be at was across the street from the school. So I was like, I'm going to sleep here. I'll go in the morning, take my exam, whatever. And I, again, like woke up outside under the beer pong table kind of deal. Like woke up like, fuck, fuck. And then like grab my stuff run run to school take my exam hand it in and when i went to fucking hand it in i saw on my arm just like dicks and

like and i like handed i remember the teacher too and she's kind of looked up at me and she goes turn that arm over again i flipped it over and she's like let me see how you do this test i remember there was like a big giant dick and it said like, let me see how you did on this test. My hair was like this. I remember there was a big, giant dick, and it said, I love fights or something like that. And I was like, it looks like I fucking wrote that. That looks like I'm a fucking narcissistic lunatic. I'm just a drunk asshole. Did you end up doing well on the test?

Definitely. I don't remember what I got, but I passed. We used to just poison ourselves as children. I mean, that was it. You poison yourself. One of the biggest industries in the world, you poison your body every day. That's what you do. You get so drunk.

Well, that's why I can't believe that kids these days are not drinking. I'm like, well, what are you doing? I mean, I guess they're doing ketamine and shit. Yeah, I guess so. If you're replacing it with other substances, fine. But if you're not out there, I mean, our life. The phone is the most addictive thing on earth. It's that and it's sugar. Bird dogs are

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dead. With his signature raw wit and sharp commentary, Bill furiously pushes boundaries as he navigates the nonsense and weighs in on mental health, social media, and societal norms. Excuse me, I actually read an interview in Variety with Bill Burr promoting this very special and I am very excited to hear it it seems like Bill kind of has a new outlook on life uh he says he

was maybe a meathead comedian for a while uh I wouldn't disagree with that I think maybe there were a few few years there where Bill kind of just got a little old manny uh And I think, again, judging from how his interview with Variety went, it seems like he has an interesting look on life that I'm ready to hear about. His unique ability to blend deep critique with laugh-out-loud humor is exactly what makes this one of the most personal and funniest hours yet. See the new hilarious stand-up special, Bill Burr, Drop Dead Years, streaming on Hulu March 14th. and funniest hours yet. See the new hilarious stand-up special, Bill Burr, Drop Dead Years,

streaming on Hulu March 14th. I guess so, yeah. There's nothing more. I don't even care about the drinking. It was like getting the booze. It was like having fun. Oh, how fun was that? Fake IDs and getting someone to buy it for you. I remember I turned my fake ID in once.

What? Because my freshman year in my college, I was the only person with a fake ID, and I was buying booze for the entire freshman class. Everyone would come to my door and be like, here's $20, can you give me $6? You see, I don't want their responsibility. And you had the one liquor store that you knew would be okay with that.

And I went and I was like, can you take this from me? It's fake. And they were like, what? I don't want this responsibility anymore. I don't want to just throw it away and have it found by someone. Can you just fucking take this. I'm so sick of coming in here. That's hilarious.

It was like a shell or some kind of gas station. I went to like a mobile. Yeah. And there was Lenny's Liquors in Bellingham, Mass. We called it Lenny's Underage Liquors. I was probably like 17. Guimond Farms in Fall River. We used to go to Guimond Farms.

We were fucking 15 years old. They didn't care. And we'd call ahead and be like, yo, we're coming to pick up 330s. Can you just leave them out back? They were our friends. We didn't know who they were, but they would just put 330s out back.

I can do that for you, Mr. Feigler. It was called Imperial, and this old Jamaican woman ran it. And we would get a big box, a big cardboard box, and fill it with random shit because it would be like it was like it was like honestly like super bad like you take the order like the girls want a six-pack like mike's hard lemonade you want miller high life you want this

and they would just put all of it in one big cardboard box and you take that out we were like 15 years old i remember like us having having debates of children It's probably more realistic to buy a ton. That's what adults do, right? They're going to want the business. Let's buy a shitload of stuff. But then other times you wouldn't be feeling as confident. You'd be like,

I'm only getting one. Early on we were drinking 40s. I can't imagine drinking a 40 now. I got arrested at NYU drinking a 40 when I was 14. Yeah, that sounds about right. It would be warm by the end of it.

NYU? My friend was from New York and i came down to uh see him that's what it's all about drinking 22s and 40s on the street getting arrested man yeah that was one where i i hid it from my parents so i got arrested and had a court date but i didn't like spend the night in jail um so i i told my parents got back from the trip told my parents that oar was doing a concert here on like a wednesday night to go to court and i was like i gotta be there in the morning i'm gonna take like a 5 a.m train and my parents were like yeah sounds good whatever and they my mom brings me to the train station in the morning you know like a month later whenever it was and pull up the train station and the morning, you know, like a month later, whenever it was, and pull up to the train station,

and my uncle, who's a lawyer, opens the passenger door to let me out, and I was like, what's he doing here? And she's like, my mom's like, did you think we didn't know? And she's like, we're not sending you to court in New York City. I was just going to go plead guilty and like, and just take whatever was going to happen to me.

Go to Rikers for a couple months? Do you remember operating without money? Yeah. I mean, dude, working on a budget like that, that's also part of life too that I don't know. I remember in college I would – Like scrounging together our money to buy beer. Beg my mom to transfer me $40. That would last me a week.

Like finding a 20 in your jacket pocket. Dude, I would would fucking i still to this day think it's genius i i think i invented micro loans i would i sorry i'd be at o'brien's the bar in newport and i would go i would know how much money i had on my card going in so i would like let's say i had 60 bucks and i was like i have six you're rich i guess i have like four drinks whatever it was. And then I would close out when I got down to like sub $5. And then there was a Bank of America across the street.

And as long as you had cash in your account, you could take out up to $200. So I would take it down as close to zero, and I would take out $200. And so then I would get $ bucks for a $30 overdraft fee and i was like this is definitely financial you're paying yeah $30 interest rate on your fucking $200 loan it was so foreign to me when like there were like a select few of kids select few kids in college who would have credit cards yeah and i was like your parents let you do what and it wasn't a debit card it was like actual credit yeah it was actual yeah that's me i would have got in trouble what fucking plan my mom And I was like, your parents let you do what? And it wasn't a debit card. It was like actual credit.

Yeah, it was actual credit. Yeah, that's me. I would have gotten in trouble with. What fucking plan? My mom fucking boned me as hard as she possibly could on that. Yeah, she did. Got me a credit card. Told me.

Like you were on money? No, she was like, you know, the speech you give, right? Like it's for emergencies, all that stuff. I ignored that. And I ran it up to like eight grand or whatever. And then she was like, I'm not paying that. I said it up to like eight grand or whatever and and then she was like i'm not paying that i said it was for emergencies and so i had to pay it all off and on what just alcohol and food it was like fucking vacay i mean i was like they weren't they weren't vacations but i was like buying flights to go see a girlfriend and then in my head anything that wasn't quote unquote for me counted as an emergency

so like if i was with her i could spend the money it was just me who couldn't spend the money and she's like i'm not paying for any of that and it was like a big big not being that young is is 10 million it's infinity it's infinity dollars. It's impossible to pay off. Being young and dumb is the best. What is? Being young and dumb. I remember I tried to con my mom into letting me go on spring break one year. And she was like, who's going to pay for that?

I was just like, I guess we're going to work at the rink again. My parents, it was not the money. It was like, who's going to chaperone this. Oh, my parents didn't fuck about that. We had one set of parents who was like completely like party animals. The other parents didn't know that, so they were like, yeah, we'll chaperone it. The scumbag parents? Yeah. Would you do that? No.

No. How are you? No way. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. With what? With kids and drinking and shit. I do understand the idea of like everyone come to my house and no drinking and driving and all that kind of shit.

But it's trash. And I can't do that. If I saw a 14-year-old at a club right now. It would give me anxiety. You haven't taken an hour. Oh, yeah. Definitely not like other kids. Like that's.

Dude, I saw like a movement on like Instagram. Parents be like, don't let your kids ever go on sleepovers. I saw that too. And it's, you know, there's just like horror stories of like, you know, I slept over at my friend's house and like his dad did terrible things to me. But there are horror stories about everything, right? Totally. Totally.

But I, you know, I can see some parents just being like, I'm not going to, you know, I don't know. You're not going to, we're not going to risk that. It's like, well, I don't know. Sleepovers are like a part of. Now you're risking that your kids are fucking weird. Well, that's the thing. It's a much bigger risk.

And the same thing with drinking is like i'd rather get molested i mean the like the underage drinking was like who i was from like you know 15 to 21 like right and to me it would be totally normal but like now things are so different like if i knew that like they my kids were you know my kids like early teens mid-teens if they're out there getting fucked up the way like I mean, we talked about like how we should have been dead. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know if there's always one. Like there were two sets of parents in my hometown. One of them, this girl's mom.

She was like she was like a Vegas madam. She was like smoking hot, like huge tits. I won't go to their house, get fucked. They take ecstasy. Yeah. Get fucked up like in their basement i'm a cool mom exactly and then there was another one who would like party with us and like now that i'm they're probably older than i am now i'm 35 i would never no in a million years

sit around with little kids blow coke with 16 year olds like are you nuts i i think a good like middle ground of like don't ask don't tell don't do it in front of my face if you get in trouble i'll you know i'll like don't get caught by the cops definitely don't drink or at the game i'll give you a sip of my beer yeah because it's a rite of passage but it also seems like that's not i mean there are definitely kids still drinking let's not be crazy but it does seem like it's way down to the point that like but i don't know why unless it's literally just the phone in my town it was like every bar just you know paid off cops or whatever they did and then by the time i like by the time i was of age uh janine pierro was like the da in westchester and she cracked down like crazy like rightfully

so like i mean we there was a police station across the street from the bar we used to go to. And the cops would come in and raid it. And I'm sure someone just handed them an envelope of cash. And that was it. But we were like 15, 16 years old doing all-you-can-drink open bars. It's just craziness. I was at my brother-in-law's bachelor party over the summer in Minnesota at some lake in the middle of nowhere. People were leaving this.

We had like a shuttle taking us around people are leaving this bar so drunk and we walked out and there was a cop in the parking lot he was telling the cop was telling people to turn their lights on on the way out he's like lights on all right you're good holy moly are you gonna uh i mean we have st patrick's day coming up probably what as this episode comes out like to me that was always like a i'm still holland you know like i'm doing it big are you i got three parties i'm going to really wow in new york yeah all in new york i mean for me used to be a month it would be a little book in st patrick's day was the first month of the year of the month the first weekend of the month and then like scranton pennsylvania was like the second. And then there was a regular one

and then after that was Long Island, RVC. So like every, a whole month of St. Patrick's Day parties. I didn't know Italians don't celebrate, like Ria told me that she's never celebrated St. Patrick's Day. These fucking kiddies. She's like, yeah, why would I do that?

I'm Italian. My mom's half Irish. I mean, that's one of those, you know, like everybody celebrates. My friend, his dad was a firefighter. I mean, that's one of those, you know, like everybody celebrates my, my, my, uh, friend, uh, his dad was a firefighter.

I mean that New York city fire, fire, uh, department type St. Patrick's day is one of the greatest things you'll ever live in. Rockaway beach or something. It was, it was,

it was, he died in nine 11. So, uh, absolutely. But I mean, like we were young and like going to these parties at the parade, I mean, like, we were young and, like, going to these parties. At the parade, the guys in uniform, the girls are putting on the hats,

they're making out with each other. I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me in my life. It's so fun. I might rip it this year. You know what was a big thing for me? My friends, we had St. Clancy's Day, and it was the day after St. Patrick's Day. I would always get absolutely obliterated. St. Clancy's Day and it was the day after St. Patrick's Day I would always get absolutely obliterated.

St. Clancy's Day? We would go well it was like It's the day the divorce paper ink signs St. Clancy's Day? It was like we would go to

Rathbones usually it was the day after we would have like Hair of the Dog Rathbones? Only if like Rathbones was the always the best.

That's a cool name. That's an awesome name for a bar. It was so good it was my favorite bar ever. And it was usually only if it was like a weekend, I guess. So not every year. But like we'd go back for like Hair of the Dog or like brunch or something.

And I remember like at least two years in a row, my friends said they were like, there was a twinkle in your eye. Where it would be like everyone's getting like, can I have like a Blue Moon? Can I have like a mimosa? And I'd be like, anybody want to do shots of Stolio? And I'd be like, it would just start like flowing you know and all of a sudden I was just like way drunker drinking way more than I did the day before on St. Patrick's Day we did that too we used to do

all you can drink brunch on the upper side that was that was our class you did this southeast St. Patrick's Day parade. We were on that duck boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The coldest I've ever been.

And before we turned up the street, I remember it was you or like Brianna or something. I was like, you think people throw us drinks because we didn't have any? And I think you looked at me and you go, yeah. I think we'll cover that. We turned up the street and it was like raining McGillicuddy's necks on us. I don't know if I've ever been in more pain the next day than that one. And it wasn't even drinking. It was yelling because we yelled for like six hours straight.

It felt like someone was driving screws. That's part of why I can't go out anymore is the loud bars. I can't hear. And when I'm talking, I'm like, ah! I want to be able to sit, too. I hate standing. I need to be able to hear my jokes. I need to be able to sit. I can't hear and when I'm talking I'm like, ahhh! I want to be able to sit too. I hate standing. I need you to be able to hear my jokes. I need to be able to sit. I need to be comfortable.

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this thing. I was on the phone with the Mets the other day trying to do more shit with them. One year, I don't know how this happened, they did Mets at the movies. You could go to a movie theater and watch the game. It was the best. Because you can always go to a bar, but you are standing or it's not comfortable or whatever. This was like you sat in your

comfortable-ass movie theater seat, you got your popcorn popcorn the game was on the big screen and when people hit a like we were running up and down the aisle yeah it was fucking sick i'm trying to get them to do it again and they were like yeah yeah maybe we'll do that we should do tv shows at the movies total all that shit you can rent out you can rent out a movie theater in my town for 250 bucks no what a movie a whole theater well no uh like a one screen yeah that seems like people do it for like kids birthday parties and shit that you can put on whatever you want and here's the dvd the thing about like sports is you need the rights and all that kind of shit but i was like you know if we can do this like i'll i'll rent it out let's go but

you ever have a uh trashy birthday party as a kid like i had one at McDonald's one year. Oh, that's super trash. Wow. I'm assuming at least at a play place. Dad, get going here. My brother had one at Papa Gino's. Pat's looking over his dad. Are you proud of this? He had one at Papa Gino's, but making the pizza was such a big thrill.

Oh, we're making a pizza, but looking back, that was a tragedy. When I lived in Pennsylvania, i went to this kid's birthday party we went to a phillies game but before that his dad owned a burger king which i think you are you know when if you franchise a major thing you are wealthy but in my in my mind he was like elon musk yeah this guy always and even burger king i knew the burger king was kind of trash compared to mcdonald's and i was still like, you own a Burger King? But he took us there for that.

And I remember ordering. I said I wanted McNuggets. And he was like, it's not McDonald's. And I was like, I want McNuggets. And he was correcting me. Like, it's not McNuggets. Looking back, I'm like, what a fucking asshole. I was in first grade.

Just get me the nuggets, man. Sorry I didn't properly respect the Burger King nomenclature, you dickhead. That's wealth. That's wealth. We had one girl in high school and her dad owned like four McDonald's on the Mass Pike. And we were like, this bitch is rolling.

And we would all make fun of her because she was working there in high school. She's like, I'm fucking inheriting these. Yeah, I was gonna say, this is not equity, bro. I own this shit. She was such a trash bag. Actually, the hardest I've ever laughed in my life was we were pulling. We went to Panera after school or something. We were pulling around back into the high school. I'm not going to be able to tell this story.

We were pulling around back into the high school by the tennis courts where this girl was known as a trash bag where there were so many people watching this tennis match and you bleep out her name and she's like i have to say it and she's like she's like my car is she thinks she's smoking cigarettes she's like my car is so fucking dirty right now i need to clean it out and i was just using her for a ride home because i had to walk home and we're going by this tennis game and she starts taking trash from her car and throwing it out the window on to like on to the bleachers as people were there and everyone's looking like what is happening right now because all this trash is just coming out of the car she saw nothing wrong with i thought it was the funniest fucking thing in the world that is the most white trash

thing possible littering littering is the most white trash thing possible. Littering. Littering. Littering is. In front of everyone. If you litter. I'm not even a save the environment guy. I just think you're kind of a piece.

You're not kind of. You are a piece of shit. Littering is as white trash scumbag as you can do. Dude, the audacity to just be like. Bro, I saw. Look you in the eyes. I'm going to throw it on the ground. I did it with a little mint.

Like the little mint seal up front the other day. I was like, I'll just let it go. Yeah, you do the old. It's kind of trash. Trying to put it in my pocket. Whoops. eyes, I'm going to throw it on the ground. I did it with a little mint, like the little mint seal up front the other day. I was like, I'll just let it go. Yeah, you do the old, like, try to put it in my pocket. Whoops. Yeah, yeah, I've been there. Like, you're going to see a trash barrel in a second. Particularly, like, I know now with, like, Lucy's and shit like that. Like, you kind of just pop them in your pocket.

Like, it's just, why would you want to fucking make a mess? I do think it's kind of gross that you guys put your used Lucy's in your pockets. That's disgusting. I would probably litter before I do that. Isn't there a container for it in the thing? Yeah. It was nasty, though. It was more like other things, but I started using Lucy.

You can pop the top there. But I genuinely can't comprehend what kind of person you have to be. Especially in New York, in like 25 feet. To fucking throw something on the ground. Or you see someone do something big they litter. They'll just drop their fucking shit. That's a scary person. When all that Terrence McDonald shit used to be styrofoam and all that too.

It does not biodegrade forever. Remember Dennis Leary's song, I'm an Asshole song? I remember it, but not really. I think in the music video, part of it talks about littering. And it's like being a quintessential asshole. It's quintessential. Sometimes I'll do gum under the table.

I'll admit that. That's despicable. Like at your desk you have a bunch of gum? What? No, no, no. It has to be like if I'm out

and I don't have a trash can. Like, yeah, yeah. That sounds bad. I'll do that on a plane if I have gum. What? Where do you put it? I'll have like

I don't want to swallow the gum I'll just fucking stick it. Why don't you just eat it? I have like, I don't want to swallow the gum. I'll just fucking stick it in my mouth. It's disgusting. My sister told me when I was younger that the wrappers were edible. So for like three years of my life, I was eating the wrappers. I used to do that with gum. Like a stick of gum? Bubblicious or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be, it wouldn't ever be like the tin ones, but with the paper ones. And I was like. You ate tin foil? No, I didn't eat the tin foil. Dude, W with the paper ones. You ate tinfoil? No, I didn't eat the tinfoil. Dude, Wrigley's gum, when I was like, I remember when I'm so old, I remember when Winterfresh came out. When Winterfresh dropped, I was like, yo, this shit is game changing. It was the white and the green, and then the blue came out.

Winterfresh dropped. You want to hear how trash I am? It was a quarter. I didn't think sushi came out until like 2010. Like you just got invented? I'd never even heard of it until after college. Me and Scott's entire existence, our entire relationship is like who's more white trash and just sharing white trash stories about ourselves and other people. You win, dog.

Not knowing sushi existed is WT. I was like, oh, fuck, what's this stuff? It's like it's the oldest dish on Earth. I think I might have told that on here before. That is really funny. When did this come out? What, sushi, dude? Uncooked fish?

Millennia ago. In the Mesozoic era were you did you underage drink yeah I said yeah there are very there's a lot of people

like when I met people in college they were like I'm drinking for the first time like I'm excited to be drinking and I was like oh

oh girl yeah me too I felt actually the opposite I was like oh I, little girl. Yeah. Me too. I felt, actually, the opposite. I was like,

oh, I'm like garbage. I've been doing this for years now. But my town wasn't like, it was only house parties. Like, it wasn't bars. I think that was a very,

pretty unique. What I've learned is my, my bar existence from like 15 to 18 is pretty fucking ridiculous. Bars. 15 at the bar? I was 16,

but there were 15 year olds. I think it was in eighth grade. We did bars bar? I was 16, but there were 15-year-olds. I think it was eighth grade. We did bars, but it was like that was a special occasion. We would go Monday nights of every night of the summer to this place called Scholars. It was the greatest. $10, all you could drink. In Manhattan? No, no, no, no.

This was Westchester. It was like a strip in New Rochelle, North Avenue. It was – I want to like do a documentary on it one day. It was like the greatest thing ever. It was a strip of scholars, O'Briens, One-Eyed Jacks, Beachmont. They all had different names. They would change...

Just a bunch of Irish dirtbag bars. Awesome. They were dirtbag bars, obviously, but I remember there were really good DJs. Music that was coming out early. I would get to college and be like, oh, we've been drinking at bars like this and listening to these songs for years now. It was amazing.

And that bitch, Janine Piro, ruined it all. But the bars were – it was – oh, man. It's just weird for a 15-year-old kid to be at a bar. Yeah, I know. They had a – part of the $10, it was all you could drink and you could also – like all you could eat, like burgers and dogs. And they had like an alley that they were grilling in. And I remember – I remember watching a guy pee on the grill, like just for fun. And I was like, well, I'm never eating here again.

Piss on the grill. But I had done that before and i was like how many times i've had a piss burger i've definitely eaten this before and you this is definitely not your first time peeing on that grill so and people were still smoking people were still smoking so like oh my god i would come home at that at the point at that point i don't even realize it but now looking back on it like i the smoke in my clothes into in my hair. Did your, like, mother not know or not care? The smoke, looking back on it, I'm like, I mean, I came home, like, stinking. Came home from a smoky Irish bar.

Dude, I remember one time I was so drunk I took a bath, right? And I was, there was, like, a wall like this. Whitney Houston yourself? Yeah, basically. I had my head like that, and it was, like, black, like, on the wall. It was, like, coming out of my on the wall it was disgusting so they must have known and like obviously it's like you said like your parents always know you know yeah your shit face like my one friend used to keep mouthwash outside the house and like drink mouthwash it's

like now you're going into the house with perfectly minty fresh you ever used to hide booze outside we used to do that oh we have a spot in like the spot like it's gonna be warm when we get there but yeah i forgot until recently like since it was all house parties it was just like these guys like playing music and it would be like only rap and they would just so then like we would all study like the lyrics beforehand and like literally spend so much time like so that i now like literally study so that i would example just like all like i don't know like any study so that I would, just like all, like, I don't know,

like any, any song I heard, I'd be like, okay, I'm learning the lyrics to that. So that just like at a party, I'd be like, you know,

like I'm not the lyrics and like, that was how you, that was how, like, you know, like you peacocked, like in high school,

like in the Bay Area, like that was, and now whenever I can't remember something, just Jackie spitting EFO. Yeah, yeah, and it would work it'd be so much my memory is just like when were you like in high school and in

college I graduated 2017, so 2014. Jesus Christ. We said something the other day. We like mentioned some show or something and you didn't know what it was. Saved by the Bell. Well, that was for us at least. They didn't know who Saved by the Bell or Zach Morris. It might have been something.

I think it was Saved by the Bell. I think it was Saved by the Bell, yeah. That's crazy. That's a little bit before my time, but like I know. But like you usually know it, yeah. Dude, I have a question for you what do gay guys like do you guys like i'm thinking about so paths and i are working on like this video series we just like see cool dudes do you do you like do gay guys oh you're just like that dude's fucking cool like you don't but you don't want to fuck them?

No, they want to fuck them. Most of the time. You guys want to fuck every cool dude. Not even cool. Like, any dude. Any dude. You guys just want to fuck, like, everything that's not a girl. No, like, their whole Instagram accounts, I'll send you some. I follow a lot of them.

It's like cool dudes. The man crush for a straight guy is such a part of our life. But you guys just have, it's just a crush for you. It's like, oh, dude, that's so cool. But so it's a flip side. Do you follow any hot guys on the subway or like guys reading?

You don't follow any of that? No. Because that's not what I mean. That's not what I mean. It's not what you mean? No. Like, it's not even really about

like if they're attractive. It's just like, because like, no. No, coolness doesn't really exist. It's the flip side. You probably think that

about like diva girls, right? Yeah, exactly. Like she's so diva. She's like such a queen. So it's just. But cool guys doesn't really exist. It's the flip side. You probably think that about diva girls, right? Yeah, exactly. She's so diva. She's such a queen. But cool guys don't really exist within the gay community. At least for me, I never will look at a guy, at least a gay guy, and be like, oh, that guy's cool. That's just not a priority for me. It's not important.

Because he's just a hole. He's just a hole, sir. I see his cock. You won't look at a cool guy and be like, alright, that cool guy is doing blank, blank, blank, blank. And I might be able to pull off one of those things. You don't look at them

aspirationally? Straight guys I do. Never a gay guy. I'll look at Pavs or you. I'm like, okay, you guys dress a certain way. I'd like to emulate that in a certain way. I will never look at a gay guy like i'll look at like i'll look at like paths or you i'm like okay like you guys like dress a certain way like i'd like to emulate that in a certain way i will never look at a gay guy and be like this guy is cool i thought he's never even you're the worst that's not that's how i'm sizing these queens up it is not it is not you're cool or you're not. So if a guy is cool, is he attractive to you? Not really. No?

No. Why do you fuck somebody? Just because they're hot? Yeah. Well, I think cool, like, I think girls will fuck a cool guy. Maybe I've just never met a cool gay person. Like, I feel like... We're trying to turn Pat homophobic right now here's our evidence

girls will fuck a guy who's cool or funny like like you could find a fat ugly guy and forget about money for a second because that obviously rules everything but like you'll you know there's plenty of straight ugly guys who you'll be like he's fucking that girl and it's like because he's funny exactly i don't think the gays are like he's so funny i feel like you gotta be hot and in shape and yeah but like for example there's one guy i probably like four or five years ago i was on fire island we pulled up to this house i still think about this guy we pull up to this house for all of this house party at like 3 30 in the morning when things are just getting cooking like the night is young i'm up till 11 a.m at this point we pull up this queen was holding court on this deck kimono he had to

have been 500 pounds he was the funny that must have been the drugs i was on or something he had every single person on this deck looking at him holding court there were tears pouring down people's faces i don't even remember what he was saying but he was foul looking but he was so cool and so funny but guys do they want to fuck at the end of the night i'm sure yeah i wanted to everyone did huh was he gay yeah oh god yeah but like that for me funny trumps pretty much anything okay so it does matter because i feel like that i would not think that in the gay community but i guess that kind of yeah but people don't i mean we're like we're a shallow people like it's you know for most people it's how you look one of the craziest things like you see the guys at my gym the bodies at my gym yeah i'm sure oh my in a weird way it

probably keeps you like somewhat in shape because you're like a guy you know like i i am always like i am not in shape i don't look great but i'm like i can get by because of you're like i got you know like i i am always like i am not in shape i don't look great but i'm like i can get by because of you're a straight guy whatever you would look they wouldn't even let you in right right it is like yeah you're too long to even get in shape it would be like people be like you're a pain like i have to work out really hard and i'm just starting to do it like because my shoulder is good now the guys at this gym like half the reason i go is just be in the locker room and fucking bird watch it's like that's the reward the reward of working out is seeing the dicks in locker room watching is such a great that's the

reward the bodies it's like chiseled abs chiseled i'm like what do you eat to fucking look like steroids yes yeah yeah juice queens. Juice queens. Now, they're roid queens. What's crazy is, like, I always think about, like, during, this is very offensive to say, but, like, the fact that, like, during the AIDS epidemic. Here we go. The fact that you guys just wouldn't stop fucking. It's so funny. Like, there's this. It's so funny. They're like,

there's this disease that's killing everyone. If you have sex, you'll get it. And they were like, let's go to Fire Island. What time is the ferry again? It's like crazy.

It's like, I feel like in Liar Liar, like stop breaking the law. Like stop fucking each other during these assholes. Just think about the pandemic we experienced. Yeah, I know.

Just stay inside for like a week. Just stop fucking for pandemic week experience. Everyone's like, just stay inside for like a week. Just stop fucking for like one week. An entire generation was wiped out. I know, it's crazy, but you would not stop. So keep making your jokes. I do also, I wanted to

highlight. One second, please. Check, check, check. pat telling the story of like there's this guy we're on fire island he's holding court in a kimono i have never seen what's his sexual orientation yeah he was in he was a literal he was an elephant queen and a pink kimono you just just, you didn't. Yeah. Yeah. That was a misplacement. What's his number? The man on Fire Island in a kimono. Was he gay or straight?

As I've gotten older, I don't look towards like. I just don't like stereotypes. Yeah. Looks are not it for me anymore. Like I love, like I used to skew much more heavily like, oh, I want a guy who's, you know, more, more straight acting and more masculine and this and that. And as you get older, you realize realize like I will take a funny like biting queen over some chiseled guy

any day there's just nothing funny I'd go gay for Nathan Lane I love like Hemsworth is like like obviously Hemsworth's my like that's the most attractive man on the planet but like who would I go gay for Nathan Lane this isn't Nathan Lane but remember the guy in

Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams' brother, who was doing the makeup? Any tighty you'd look like, ma. Yeah. Those are the, when I'm out, if I go out to Fire Island or wherever,

those are the people I love to hang out with because they're so fucking funny. It's like anything else, gay or straight. That's- Right there, Harvey Feinstein. He's also in. Uncle Frank. He's also in Independence Day.

Yes. That voice. Would you say most gay guys are funny? It's kind of like a criteria. I think they're either very funny or not at all. I'm just kind of... I don't know. I don't think Pat's gay.

Did you see that Armie Hammer clip, by the way? It was crazy. The grinder? Yeah, I wrote about it. The grinder. Where he was just like, the way he was describing it, he's like,

girls are awful, right? And the girl in the interview was like, yeah, no, totally. But he was like, yeah, you'll just be sitting there and you look at Grindr

and it's like, hang on, I'll be right back. This guy's going to suck my dick and then you come back and there is some level of that where you guys are just like, yeah, I don't know, let's just do this.

Well, I had to delete, I deleted all like yeah i don't know let's just do this well i had to like delete i would like delete all like the apps off my phone because it's just too transactional yeah it's it's like conditioned me to make like oh i don't need to meet someone or to be in a relationship i can just fucking go on here and you have three or four guys who you're friends with who you come over and you abuse each other's bodies and then that's it oh come over here you want to other's bodies. And then that's it. Oh, come over here. You want to have a beer after? No, I'm good. All right. Take it easy.

I'll see you in two weeks. It sounds like a great system. Yeah. Maybe a little bit loveless. Maybe you want to settle down at some point and stop doing that. But from like 25 to like, for you guys, like 55? That's my biggest fear. Now, like the first time in my life, I'm like, I'm 35.

I need to like settle down. Not really. But the one thing that really fucks all straight people is the biological clock you guys don't even have to worry about that yeah but it's like what do you want to be a 40 year old single gay guy it's a double-edged sword because the older you get as a gay guy the less attractive you are yeah you age out like 35 i'm a fucking i'm a daddy for like guys and it's gross to say but it's true right like it's the first time in my life i've been like, oh, it's a little more difficult to like find someone hot because I'm 35 years old.

So you've just been fucking hot dudes your whole life so far. Yeah. That's crazy. I have. It's the douchiest thing I've ever said. When did you come out again? Huh? When did you come out again?

When I was like 22. Oh, okay. But yeah, it's, I'm ready to settle down and i'm at the age where it's like tipping i'm like i gotta get moving here and like be a little bit more intentional with how i date which is like i don't like to go out anymore because when i go out i drink and then one thing leads to another and you're boozing super late in the morning and so i don't like to do it takes too much out of me but in order to meet people you have to go out otherwise you're in this weird online space and then if you meet someone off an app to go on a date i don't know if you guys are on like any dating apps or whatever but then it's

like we are on a date we are sitting here official part of the part of what's like the way you get a read on someone is if you meet someone out organically you maybe you talk for a minute then you move apart you kind of see how they operate you see how other people react to them are they a weirdo are they funny if you're just sitting down having dinner with someone, which I will never do on a first date, ever. I think dinner is like the worst date. It's the worst. I'll do a drink. My dating used to be let's go on a bender and see if you can handle it.

That was it. You go out at like 5 p.m. You remember, right? You go out at 5 p.m. Welcome to my world. You want to stick around? Exactly. You go out at 5 p.m.

And then you sit there. First drinks come. Couple shots. You have fun. You go out stick around? Exactly. You go to 5 p.m. And then you sit there. First drinks come. Couple shots. You have fun. You go out. You meet people. You go home. You fuck.

You wake up. Would you fuck a girl with a dick? No, I don't think so. Why not? All right, fine. I won't. I'd fuck most people and things, I think. No, but you wouldn't fuck a girl.

No. You hate them, right? I think the money was right. Oh, yeah? Yeah, the money. Yeah. I thought you were like totally turned off by chicks. I think. No, but you wouldn't fuck a girl. No. You hate them, right? If the money was right. Oh, yeah? Yeah, the money. Yeah. I thought you were, like, totally turned off by chicks. I am.

But if the money was right, I would do it. I saw a tweet yesterday that said, I don't know why gay guys exist. Girls have buttholes, too. It's true. It's what's next to the butthole. Yeah, but all of those holes are attached to them. They're the problem. Season 8's Valentine's Day premiere, February 14th is Valentine's Day.

It has passed. Coincides with the five-year anniversary of Love is Blind on Netflix. Love is Blind is back with a brand new set of hopeful singles from Minnesota. Minnesota, nice, ready to fall in love, get engaged, sight unseen. But once they are faced with the complications of the outside world, will they say, I do? It's a question we're all wondering. Just when you know what to expect from a season of Love is Blind, a new set of authentic singles shows us there is always more to reveal about their stories, modern love, and hell, maybe even ourselves. One of the best parts of watching Love is Blind being part of the conversation around it.

I know that in being in the Barstool Sports offices uh it's all anyone talks about everyone is locked in on love is blind and if you haven't watched you don't know what is going on with what everyone says so the group texts are popping off the memes are top notch that is part of what we love to bond over you can join the bonding and watch love is blind season eight now playing only on netflix and don't miss the reunion this sunday this past sunday march 9th at 6 p.m pacific time 9 p.m eastern time that is available on netflix right now you bet well there's two types of gay guys there's guy uh guys gays and girls gays i'm a guy's gay yeah you're definitely cody riggs cody riggs is on our show he's like there's two types joey's a girl's gay yeah he loves hanging out with the girls he loves doing makeup

he loves doing hair for me that's you're just like i'm a dude who fucks dudes i feel like i'm like i'm filling a role that is not mine right filled right i was just gonna ask because i i feel like i see guys on the spectrum of like men written by women and men written by men and then like what do you mean ran by like like it's like the more there's just i don't know the stereotypical like yeah like it's like i guess if you're more in touch with your emotions or whatever what's this room be men written by women but like then there's like guys guys lads lads i'm a lads man like i would say like will compton bust like taylor luan like men what would you say me and john are i and paths i would say you guys are all probably men written by woman in a good way i i thought you were gonna say that i was fine either way i i had

did you really think that there was a potential that she was going to say were written by, she just said Will Compton. I would say you guys are like actually all in the middle, directly in the middle. I agree with that. That's why I could see either way. We're the best. Fibula is like man written by woman. Who? Yes.

Fibula is man written by woman. Who's Fibula? Connor Wood. He's like an online. But I spent the first years of my career here. I was like, I need to be more gay. I need to be a certain way. And now I'm at the point where I'm like, fuck it.

Just do. You don't have to try to be a certain way. Now, look, I have that big old queen who fills that void for me. Ah, yeah. Who sits next to me. Yeah. But, yeah, this guy. That is man written by woman.

Most offline guy I've ever met. Great teeth. Yeah. He's the most offline guy. I know met. Great teeth. He's the most offline guy. I know. He's offline. He's offline. He has no idea who any of these people are.

Who is he? TikTok, I imagine? Yeah. Instagram, TikTok, yeah. But this came about because girls said that they all wanted men written by women. So that's a compliment. You guys should be complimenting. I can always tell when a guy –

You know what? No, you say that. They don't mean it. No shade to fibula, but I can see there are times what no you say that they don't mean it no shade to fibula but I can see I can see there are times where you kind of get maybe friend zoned or a girl says

like it's a classic like you say that and then like you go home with the asshole you know what I mean yeah I think they all think that whether they follow through

on that is the question and I think maybe as you get older you start to but when you're younger you're like I want no girl's like I want my boyfriend to be written by a girl

that's not happening when you're like in your 20s or you see the tiktok it's like he was raised in a house full of women and it's like this guy like doing a puzzle dude there was a guy who was blind he was like i was raised by like my sister and my mother like i mean i live alone and like, I put the seat down. Like I just, that's embarrassing. And it's cringy. Well,

also like you guys, like you don't get nervous around women. Like you guys like know how to talk to a woman and like hang out with them and like be, you can turn on being one of the girls. Whereas like I, you could sense when the guy is like scared of women. That's what's so weird to me. Well,

that's what's funny I think is about like the guys, guys, I think are probably, they're like, if they're not fucking you, they probably don't know how to like yeah yeah which which like girls mistake for oh you're not giving me attention i want your attention yeah it's like no they're uncomfortable because they like don't know how to lifelong part yeah but if i see someone like and i'm out with i've been out with people here who like get nervous around women like i get like oh i get nervous but not really i can talk though it's like are you fucking retarded like they clam up and they don't know how to talk like around women

i mean like i can sweat like i can code switch pretty well but like if you see like a true boy and they don't know how to act it's it's bizarre you can't we can't code switch the way you can i disagree i think you and john are both very good we this. Well, we can't because we're, like, gay. But I'm saying, like, a straight guy is, like, it's, like, it's very nerve-wracking to go over to a girl and be like, I'm trying to fuck you. But I'm trying to be polite. Like, we know this dance. And, like, and girls are very much like, you're supposed to chase me. And I will, like, I will just blatantly shoot you down right now if it's not working. You know, like, that is nerve-wracking.

When you're younger. Eventually, I think you stop caring. But, like, I'll be at the bar and, like, you know right now if it's not working. You know, like that is nerve wracking. When you're younger, eventually I think you stop caring. Like I'll be at the bar and like, you know, we'll be talking to people. It'll be like a group of girls. And then I'll be like, oh, are you guys, are you dating anyone? Whatever. You got to let them know I'm gay. So I'm not a threat. Like, oh, are you dating anyone?

And then they'll be like, no. I'm like, oh, there's plenty of guys here. And every single time I do that, the girls have the same reaction. Oh, no no no one here there's 30 hot guys in front of you what's funny is like you have the power dude that group of guys that group of girls will go to a bar like they'll just swap you know what i mean like like the girls who are mad about the guys in that bar you'll be like oh the guys in that bar are hot it's like you're all just fucking you know what i mean yeah It's like grass is always greener. When we were at that bar

at Strat and Pat and I were at a table with the girls he'd met somewhere and I was intentionally letting them think I was gay because I didn't want to fuck them.

It's because my dick was in his mouth. I was like, I don't even think like it was never spoken but I wasn't just, I was like, just so you know.

Yeah. I could if i wanted i don't want to talk about talk about drunk when we were at the bar i was gonna say remember that old lady who came up to me pat how are you i don't even remember who these people are i i we'll wrap up on this because it's one of my favorite patch stories you blacked out leaving the bar maybe it's a different time maybe this is is when you were in Barstool vs. America when you just mooned the bartender. Colorado, yeah.

Mooning is such a lost art. The fact that they were like, sir, you're so drunk, go home. You're like, I will but first. Check these cheeks out. Does this answer your question? And then Roan, evildoer Roan,

he was, I like, I threw up on the bar. And I was like, you just like stopped and just like, I thought that you like forgot something and then you just.

Yeah. And then Roan's like, all right, he's like, let's go get some more booze. And he put me in the car and we were drinking on the way, on the way to the thing.

It was great. That's great. But that was the old thing. The mo mooning is, does this answer your question? It's very funny. It is very funny. Funny plays. Out and about is the show.

Follow him on social media. Anything special you guys are doing? We got a show coming up. When's this coming out? Maybe Monday? Thursday. Thursday. Alright. Nope. Nothing special. Same old stuff. Alright. Good stuff, man. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.