KFC Radio - We Finally Destroyed the Internet

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Nothing but respect for Urban Meyer - Did Lurch meet Michael Jordan??? - Facebook might be gone forever? - Jacqued Up - Top 5 apps/sites you’re using if you can’t use social media - Why Marty Mush saw Feits’ balls today - Feits recaps his sisters’ wedding this past weekend - Voicemails - Who of the KFCR team is most equips to babysit KFC’s kids? - Best TV line or scene - Complaining at sex noises Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Yep, had a ball down each leg because it was too tight and both balls down one leg was a little snug. Ah. Now were you like- Why do you listen to this podcast? Like what? What are you gaining from this, you perverts?

It's another episode of Kevin. Nope. It's another edition of the... Nope. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's another episode of Kevin. Nope. It's another edition of the... Nope. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. That was one of those words where, like, you know, why can I never remember this phrase? Semantic satiation. Yes. Semantic satiation. Or I was just like, welcome. I was like, is he saying it right? Welcome. I feel like I'm saying it now, like, welcome. Well, then just come just like, welcome I was like, is he saying it right? Welcome

I feel like I'm saying it now like, welcome Well then just come Yeah, welcome Just fucking come Whale come Whale come We got a big show for you No guest

No guest on the show So it's just gonna get weird Weirder than usual Final Brugs under the weather So you know that gets weird I took medicine Oh, so you're gonna get loopy I take medicine. Oh, so you're going to get loopy? I take DayQuil. I don't feel good.

I think you're the opposite. Medicine hurts you. DayQuil, your body... I don't like this. I only accept poison. Yes, exactly. I got to give a shout out, and I think I might be the only one doing it. I got to give a shout out to and I think I might be the only one doing it.

I got to give a shout out to Urban Meyer. Oh, no. I'm with you. No, I'm with you. I mean, this guy, there's two scenarios going on in my mind right now. One is he's the only guy in the world that I think it's actually possible that it's like a true, like the conspiracy theory is legitimate. That he's like sabotaging his job. He wants out, and he wants to go to usc everybody else it's kind of like no that's just like you're connecting too many dots

that's that's too far does he have any connections to usc or is it just like it's just that it's a crown jewel and it opened up and you know he wants to go back to college and like but he that's what he does he has done that a couple times before and that quote he had a couple weeks ago to vic fangio is like the most – You're playing Alabama every week? Yeah. Like I'm so in over my head. I feel like I'm playing Alabama every week.

That's like as fucking damning as it gets. Your own four. Trevor Lawrence is obviously not like firing out of a cannon good, but it's like he's got to take more time than that. But all of that shit, it's like he would probably push through it, but then all of a sudden USC opens up. So I could see that being the case. Or the other option is that he's just like, I'm Urban fucking Meyer and I don't give a shit. I?

Like, I, because it's like, fire me, then I will go there. Don't fire me, and then, like, I'm good to go. You know what I mean? He's almost, like, bulletproof at that point. Oh, I don't think the issues here lie with his job. I think that job, I don't think he's getting fired from that job. You can't fucking give a guy the reign. I think his room salary is $13 million a year.

Yeah. You can't give him four weeks and fire someone. Because he was, like, drunk at a bar. That's insane. But that's why I hope he is sabotaging himself, and I hope this is, like, phase one. And I hope phase two is, like, he has, like, a... He takes shits in showers.

Phase two, he's going to, like, slap a ball boy or something in the face. Phase three, I hope showers. Phase two, he's going to like slap a ball boy or something in the face. Phase three, I hope it's like he's trying to get fired and they won't do it. I hope this is like me at Deloitte and it's just like, what do I got to do to get fired here? And eventually he's like, do I need to drop an N-bomb? Do I need to go on tape saying a racial slur?

This is the N-word of the press conference. That's it. That's how you do it. But it's either that or he is just like, I don't give a fuck and I'm just going to get – But he shouldn't give a fuck. Yeah, no. No, like I feel like I'm more on his defense team here than you are. That he's just like, this is not even – this is a non-story. Bro, this is a complete – there's cheating and then there's some shit you wish your wife didn't see.

And then – This right here is some shit you wish your wife didn't see. And this right here is some shit you wish your wife didn't see. And then there's, like, I'm a fucking legendary college and now professional football coach. This doesn't even register. I'm not even bringing that into the occasion, Kevin. Into the situation. Into the situation. Here's the situation.

I'm not even bringing that into the situation. This motherfucker could be a newspaper salesman on the corner of the street. He could work for the post office. He could make sandwiches. He could be a Subway sandwich artist. I don't fucking care. This shit is okay. Unless he took her home and fucked her.

Because guess what? If you fucking want to fucking put the shoe on the other foot and there's some fucking dude fucking shaking that ass all over some woman. He's a harasser. Yeah. Harasser. He's a harasser.

He's a raper. She just sits at the bar minding her own business. What's he doing shaking all that ass over there? That's Urban. He's just hanging out at Urban's bar. At his own bar. At any place you think you don't get fucking snitched on. That's why part of me was like, I think he might be sabotaging himself himself because how does Urban Meyer have an embarrassing video leak from Urban Meyer's pint house?

That's got to be like some Chappelle shit. Urban Meyer is a shit name for a bar. Well, who cares? It's just like, yeah. Urban Meyer's pint house. If you're in Columbus, it should be called Urban Meyer's bar. You know what I mean? If you're like – that's just – that's what the draw is going to be.

That should be some Chappelle shit. You got to put your – like Urban's here tonight.. You got to put your... Urban's here tonight. Everyone's got to put their phones in a case. You're not allowed to film what goes on now. The only thing... The alternate angle that came out yesterday where you just see him just giving a little boop, boop, boop, little goose action.

That's a little like, get out of here. Hey. Scram. Get out. Scram. Scram. Get out of here Because you know what, all night All the videos I saw were him doing this move Where you're sitting but standing

You're sitting on the stool but you're standing And she's the one invading his space And every now and then he goes Get, get, get, get out I don't know where he's from But he definitely talks like a southern football coach Go on, get. Now, those were like college chicks, right?

The one grainy video, I thought for a second she might have like some milfy vibes. I apologize to her if she's like a 19-year-old girl. But the other girl that posted a picture saying, who is this guy? He keeps flirting with me. That was obviously very much a co-ed from, I from i'm assuming ohio state hey let me see this again here it's just a quick like did it did it yeah that's just come on man that's just fucking see what brand pants she's got on you ever play you ever play that game in gym class since we were talking about it where you shake hands and you and you tickle the finger uh yeah uh no it was a game

like i did to friends but well but either way I feel uncomfortable that's what he did yeah exactly just give a little she's getting a little comfortable in his space right gotta make her feel a little uncomfortable and I don't think that she was probably like okay yeah that's what I mean who's that girl think she's throwing all that ass at fucking urban urban myers oh yeah it's in a circle girl 60 years old. 65 years old. 57. 60. 65. Close. What really sucks

for Shelly Meyer, the tweet she had earlier in the night that said, meanwhile, I'm at home babysitting. It's tough. First of all, I always think it's funny when people say they're babysitting their kids. That's just your kid.

That's just you being a parent. Well, no, these are her grandchildren. Oh, was it? Okay. Must be. They don't have kids. Yeah, they don't have kids. They're young kids.

So it was a bunch of – yeah. So she's babysitting the grandkids. But I think that was before the video came out because she was replying to a picture that was just urban at the bar. So then she tweets like, oh, I'm i'm just and meanwhile i'm babysitting like like my husband deserved a night out something like that it said and then like you know an hour later the video comes out and so now she's got this tweet looking like she almost like is like go ahead have a good time honey and meanwhile he's you know finger and chicks in the ass it is

and you know what the side by side has a bit of bit of an old school, I don't know, stepbrother's vibe where it's like, she had the old buck, now she wants the young bull or whatever it is. And by that I mean they're just two blonde women. Yeah, look at this. Meanwhile, I'm babysitting my chores, Mimi rules, but he deserved a night out. And then, like, you know, that's fine, the picture there, but then, you know, an hour later he's getting grinded up on from the window to the wall. I didn't see that. Yeah, so when, you know, but because, but you know that that's fine the picture there but then you know an hour later he's getting grinded up on from the window to the wall yeah so that when you know but because but you know what

what i do love about that first tweet is she's a fucking she's a ride or die coach's wife you know what i mean like even even there it's like you know he's out about it she's like you know but i i got the kids i'm holding it down for the family like you go do's like, you know, he's out and about, and she's like, you know, but I got the kids. I'm holding it down for the family. Like, you go do your thing, honey. You know what? Shelly's helped him fucking bury bodies of 18-year-olds who tried to enter the transfer portal. Exactly. She's like, oh, you think you're fucking leaving?

You think you're moving out of Gainesville, Florida? Never. Aaron, get over here. You know who she reminds me of? The wife in Mystic River. You know what I'm talking about? It's a deep cut. But when Sean Penn has basically murdered everyone by accident,

and she leans in with her boss and she's like, you are a king. Or some shit like that. You are a king of this town. And it's just like, oh, wow. She doesn't give a fuck. He just absolutely murdered someone for no reason. She's like, but because you're the king of this fucking neighborhood.

So that's Shelly Meyer. Yeah. And I feel like, so that video probably came out after that, and she was probably like, well, fuck. Yeah. But, you know, she probably texted her after that and being like, wear a condom. You know, don't bring anything home.

The interaction with her was probably good for Shelly. Oh, yeah a condom. Don't bring anything home. The interaction on that, we probably went through the roof. No good for Shelly. Oh, yeah, for sure. I feel like the funniest thing of that whole saga is he's just shit-canned. What I know now is that Urban Meyer does not have a poker face when he's drunk. I mean, look at those eyes. Those eyes. He doesn't even know where to look.

He is gone in his quarter zip, just like, I am going to fuck some 20-year-old tonight. And look, if I could once again come to the defense of my lord and savior, Urban Meyer. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if anything, he was getting taken advantage of here. He really was. He's the victim. He was doing the stand sit. He's grinding up on his dick. Where's his friends to pull him out of there? That's what

you need to have. And then you gotta have a bunch of college girls who won't harass you like a bunch of frat boys. Just a bunch of hyenas. A bunch of hyenas. Oh, there's a bunch of money in here. You're gonna try it out. Get out of town, you little hussies. Scram! Get out of there!

Get! Get! I don't give a fuck about everybody. I don't know why I'm defending him so hard. But I'm doing it. Well, you know what it is? It's just one of those things, too, where it's like, you know why? He didn't do, you know, this is scummy behavior, like you said. It's like, you know, things you don't want your wife to see.

You don't want her to see. But this is not, you know. You don't feel guilty about this. Yeah. Someone made you feel a little nice. What? Someone made you feel a little nice. Right.

He felt wanted. I still. Right. He felt wanted. I still got it. He felt sexy. He went home saying, hun, I still got it. Well, no, he went home and fucked that girl is what he did. No, he didn't. Nah. It's better to get that drunk.

In fact, that video. True. He saw that video. He had to take it out of his fucking third eye. And then he was like, you know what? Time to get shit-faced. Time to get shit-faced and take a few more pictures. Yep.

Babe, you know I couldn't get it up that is actually the best thing you know the same you know i left the viagra at home i always do it's on a table right there you can count them up there's i feel like uh the the the most uh loyal thing a man can do to his wife is go out and get blackout drunk because then it's like baby i ended up in a ditch somewhere you think i fucked somebody like i might like with urban urban i guess that drunk bro there's a way greater chance he murders someone than he fucks somebody he might have fucking killed some recruit like who's like you know transferring or some shit some yeah you said somebody who's trying to go to the transfer portal, he'll end up killing those kids before he ends up fucking them. I love today him saying he apologized to his team.

Imagine apologizing to a bunch of professional athletes that a girl dances on you at a bar. I saw someone just... Guys, from the bottom of my heart, I'm a man of God. I consider myself a man of many values. The whole team just laughing at us. Like, coach, let me get her fucking numby. Think about how silly that would be.

Because somebody tweeted after it would be like, shouldn't he be apologizing to his wife? Imagine if there was a video of you blacked out at a bar, grinding up on some girl, or, excuse me, her grinding up on you. Her assaulting me? Sure. And the next day

you made a video apologizing to me that's what urban meyer effectively yeah but i get it man preposterous no dude i see i can see urban goes home tonight shelly's like where's my apology and he's like in this fucking pants right yeah look if you want to live in gainesville and if you want to live in fucking col, Ohio, then I can apologize to you. But we're going full Ari Gold. But if you want to live in Jacksonville and in Malibu, then sometimes I have to

apologize to a fucking defensive lineman. Because sometimes some hot little blonde chick is going to shake her asshole in my face, and I got to say sorry to a fucking strong safety. Okay? Deal with it, Chell.

There's a strong chance. What percentage chance do you think that this was not even, like, a speed bump at the Meyer household? Oh, 100%. Like, I think she was kind of like, I think they woke up in the morning, and she was kind of like, you asshole. And that was it. Yeah.

Oh, dude. Shelly looked at the fucking internet yesterday. She's like, they're still talking about this? Right. Right. I don't give a shit. She woke up. She probably did one of these.

Oh, that's their family. It's insane. It's downright insane. She probably woke up. He probably woke up and like on the couch, like all fucking hungover. And because it's a bye week, you know, and she was probably like, get ready. They had a full bye? Not a bye week. They played on Thursday., get ready. They had a full bye? Not a bye week.

They played on Thursday. She threw some clothes in his face and said, get ready. You know we have to go see the grandkids today. And that was it. That was all he got in trouble for, one of those. And he was like, oh, fuck, honey. I'm sorry I banged that chick. Because it's not like you and me.

It's not like normal people. And I think she knows that. So shout out to the whole Meyer family. Urban. I just don't think we ever really talk about the fact that his name is Urban. That's so fucking weird. Didn't they call him Herb? Who are other...

Can you just Google famous Urbans? Wait, for real. What do they call them? You're just going to get a bunch of cities. What's up, Herb? Famous people name everyone. That's a better one to do it. What up, Herb?

Oh, you know what's funny? Speaking of these guys Googling things, I i got a dm the other day saying uh somebody was behind jackie during the live show and when we were talking about jfk we were uh we said something about like how is jfk never been canceled and google uh jackie quickly googled jfk jfk canceled and it was all just flights being canceled and shit. She was trying different ways to put it in, and then she just said, fuck it, next out the whole thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he started in Utah, right? So is he a Mormon weirdo?

Is that what it's from? Pope Urban is some fucking... Christian. Pope Urban. Yeah, Urban's... So, I mean, Urb has got to be a top five worst name of all time. Urban... He should go by Frank. His name's Urban Frank Meyer? Just be Frank, dude. So, I mean, Herb has got to be a top five worst name of all time. Urban. He should go by Frank.

His name's Urban Frank Meyer. Just be Frank, dude. How do you? Bro. Then you get the hot dog. What? Frank Meyer. Oscar Meyer.

It's better than being Urban. How do you name him? Urban Frank. You want to be Urban? I don't want to be, but I've honestly, somehow it just fits him. I've never thought it's weird. Do you think they just always call him Urban? Until right now, I've never – somehow it just fits him. I've never thought it's weird. Do you think they just always call him Urban? Until right now, I've never thought like – I never thought it was a unique name.

I never thought it was a strange name. Because you know what? You ever just think – when I think of celebrities sometimes, I don't think of like their name. I think of like their name. Their aura. Yeah, like their whole thing. Like, you know, there are certain guys you just always say their full name. I'm blanking on it right now, but you would just never – you know, you would never say like Mike Jordan.

Yeah, like sure. Cal Penn. I don never say, like, Mike Jordan. Yeah, like, sure. Cal Penn. Yeah. There are certain guys you just always say Cal Penn. It's just you just let it all flow. Urban Meyer is one of them where it's like you don't actually think about – that's his name that, like, his family calls him. Like, his kids have to be like, my dad's name is Urban.

I don't know. It's just fucking wacky, man. And let's talk for a moment about Mac Jones is short for McCorkle? Yeah. McCorkle? It's not his first name, though, either. No, it's Mike McCorkle Jones. I mean, I guess it's better than fucking Cork or Cock or whatever.

It's better than Ronald McDonald. Who's Ronald? Mac. Oh, his real name is Ronald McDonald. McCorkle is an all-timer, though. He should, I kind of think he should be McCorkle. McCorkle, yeah, I like a McCorkle. McCorkle's either like, you're like a bougie cake eater, or like, you know, you fuck shit up.

I'm McCorkle, and I'm here to fuck shit up. Speaking of Mac, did you see my tweet last night? No, what'd you say, you idiot? When it comes down to Brady versus the Patriots, I'm a Patriots fan. Congratulations for being a fucking normal person. I was very surprised. I long said that I didn't know what was going to happen until they played each other. And I didn't even think that game was going to matter.

I thought that game, I wasn't even going to give a shit. Like, who won? Just because it's week four. They're a good team. We're not really there yet. I'm sorry. Someone has to send some WD-40 to the fucking office. It's getting insane.

Yeah. I need a fan to mail us WD-40. Sorry. Keep going. And I was just like, it was... Before the game, I'd be like, I don't think it's going to matter. I don't think I'm going to care, really, like, who wins this game. Or, like, just because I know no one with a fucking brain.

I'm sure people are making the arguments. But no one with a brain who looks themselves sure people are making the arguments but no one with a brain who looks themselves in the mirror and considers himself a serious person is trying to make an argument

one way or the other that that game affected either of their legacies no so you know what it was kind of perfect

yeah it was like Brady got the win but he wasn't really like dominant in any way and like Belichick

like you know they kicked it but missed it like you know like they both had like things they did wrong and right so it's kind of like a wash you know, they kicked it but missed it. Like, you know, like they both had, like, things they did wrong and right. And so it's kind of like a wash, you know. But going into it, I was like, this game's not going to matter to me.

And then once the game started, I was like, oh, get that motherfucker. Yeah. I mean, bro, yeah. Well, it's not obvious. I don't think it's obvious to most people where it was like, that's the only person you were rooted for. And it turns out, out, now guess what? Again, now I'm all back to being a Tom Brady and Patriots fan.

But in that moment, I was pretty surprised. I was like, oh shit, I want the Patriots to win this. Yeah, well, it should have been that fucking way from the beginning. Well, it still is that way. Goddamn. It always was that way. I was never rooting against the Patriots. You should have known it.

This is the first time my allegiance had crossed. Now, if Tom Brady fucking lit it up that night, though, you probably would have been like sucking his dick. Yeah, I probably would have gone that way, too. Brady's endorsed FTX, right? Oh, yeah. That's his jam. I mean, that's all.

I can sit here and I can tell you to go download FTX. I'm sure there's a few of you out there that listen to me when I tell you to do something. But listen to Tom. Who's listening to Giselle?

Who's listening to like, you know, the fucking... You know who else was on his tweet? Top dogs. Who was on his FTX tweet? Oh. Giselle? Who's listening to like You know The fucking You know who else was on his tweet? Top dogs On his FTX tweet Oh Giselle Steph Curry

Someone else Yeah Top dogs Just like the best of the best Dave Porter Oh no Well everybody's got a runt There's always a runt in the litter

You know what I mean? It was like He added like six. I actually didn't even recognize Dave was on it until Dave quoted and said, well, have you hit a crit or something like that? It was like it was crazy. Everybody's got a weakest link. Steph Curry sitting down.

I'm going, who was that? What? FTX is the number one platform to buy and sell cryptocurrency right now. Crypto is all the rage and nobody knows how to do it or what to do. I think the world's finally coming around on it, but what FTX has done is simplified the whole process by making it a free app that's intuitive and easy to use that you can start buying and selling all your crypto coins today.

They've got over 10,000 different crypto coins that are available, and if it's good enough for Tom and Giselle and company, then it's got to be good enough for you. And that's kind of what's nice about crypto is like, it don't matter. You have Bitcoin, you're just like Tom Brady. You know, you get enough Bitcoin, you're rich. Crypto doesn't care.

Crypto is just about, you know, straight crypto, homie. And so you're going to make your money. Everyone thinks that Bitcoin's about to pop off in the next few months. You can also get Ethereum. You can get Dogecoin. No, you can get Doge. Not Hoge. It should be Hoge, but you can get Doge and any other crypto coins that you can think of, basically.

They've got you covered. So download FTX today. Any trade over $10, you can get yourself a free crypto coin. And who knows if that's the next one that pops off. So get yourself free crypto when you trade your crypto with FTX. It is Giselle, Steph Curry, Trevor Lawrence, Major League Baseball, Kevin O'Leary, the Miami Heat, Riot Games, which I don't know what that is. It's a video game, esports thing.

TSM, which I don't know what that is. It seems to be another esports thing. And Dave Porter. He's still the... He was the last one. If you look at where he roped Branch to grab onto, he was the last one. I've given up. There's no denying the Portnoy run now.

You know what I mean? He's everywhere. Did fucking Lurch meet michael jordan like what i was about to say like you know when i see dave you know dave nothing would shock me now dave's been with the president he's been with models he's been you know dave's a full-blown celebrity and i was like nothing would shock me anymore not unlike when i see fucking large with michael jordan like prime position too Like, him next to MJ for the picture. That's fucking, I think, we've talked about that before.

That's just smart. That's smart. I've been in group shots before with a celebrity. You gotta fucking, you gotta be, you gotta get in there. I did with Taylor Swift. That picture of me and Taylor Swift, like, fucking four of the dudes in that shot. No one's seen that full pic. Yeah, no, you cropped that shit out.

No one's seen that full pic. You can crop that one crop that shit out. No one's seen that full pic. You can crop that one. Yeah, because that's what they say at a wedding. It's like if you're just dating someone, you're not married to them. You just put those people on the ends and just chop them off. I was very often on the end this weekend. Well, you can't chop the brother off. No, it was weird, though.

It's usually people that the family's dating. It was weird, yeah. Unless your family's really got some deep, dark plans, like where you're going to crop John out of the family. But where did Lurch meet Michael Jordan? I have no fucking idea. But I do want to say... Yeah, he's been traveling a lot.

I don't know why I think he was in Europe, but I do. I don't care that he's been traveling a lot. There are people who travel a lot who don't fucking end up with MJ. I want to say, seriously... My uncle's a salesman, travels a lot. Hasn't bumped say, like, seriously... The uncle of the salesman travels a lot. Hasn't bumped into Michael Jordan for a while. Fucking Ari Shaffir travels a lot. He's not taking pictures with the gods of the world.

That... If you have a chance, if you're taking a picture with, like, a full-blown celebrity, I think it's... You know, be shameless. Fucking, like, body someone if you got to. Like, Costanza that old woman to get next to the... Now, you know what's interesting?

Scroll out. You can see MJ's just doing get next to the... Now, you know what's interesting? Scroll out. You can see MJ's just doing the hands down, you know? What do you think Lurch is doing? Do you think he's doing hand on MJ's back? It looks... You can't see. Is that a cigar lighter? But his shoulder is kind of out.

Like, I think it's fucking... Nah, he's just behind his back. I don't know man his shoulders up a little bit this other guy the guy to the right mj left mj he i think he might be up you know they might be interlocking arms yeah they might be which is a move i do all the time i'll interlock you're touching the other person i do that with you and when you take pictures yeah i'll wrap my arm around your arm now do you think neither of them are touching mj and they're just holding each other's arms behind the goat?

Yes, yeah. Because I – He's also a professional golfer. That's Colt Nost. Okay. So maybe he – He knows Michael Jordan, and so Lurch is playing with Colt. And so Jordan came over and apparently they had lunch together.

So do I sound like an asshole being like this other guy? No. Okay. It's actually pretty funny to me. Yeah. I know five professional golfers, the big ones. That's pretty fair. Yeah.

I don't know what I would do. We're zooming in on this shit like it's the Zapruder film. I just feel like if I was taking a picture, we do it even sometimes here. When we're taking pictures with celebrities, there are people who very clearly sometimes will go like like demonstratively will be like like i'm putting my hands in front of me because i'm not a toucher you know and then i usually kind of do similar or i just stand there whatever i'm a sheep whatever you do yeah but i also think in that case it's not even cheap it's like you're going with your guest preference especially with touching these days all that shit and Because ordinarily what I would do is I would go – I go like hand up on like around but on shoulders.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I put my hand in a pocket, whatever. But if someone's like we're not touching, I'm not going to touch back. But if MJ is just standing there and I'm just going to like put my hand like in between his shoulder blades or something. One finger scratch it. Hey, Mikey. Just gently. And then I just lean in.

Hey Mikey, how you doing baby boy? Smells like that Michael Jordan cologne from 1998. Smells like three feet. I mean that is... Who would you be very nervous to just take a picture with right now? Is there anybody?

For the most part I don't think I would be nervous but like MJj i would be i would be thinking what do i do my hands where do i stand do i smile do i not smile i don't think i would with mj because i'm not a basketball guy but bro i know it's michael jordan dude if michael jordan walked in this room right now it would be a thing it would be a fucking like i think like what's up mj no you fucking wouldn't i think i think I would know you would of all people like who I'd be like like we've said that before we met like mega celebrities who we didn't really I don't care about I like Michael Jordan respect Michael Jordan love the shoes all that stuff I was never a basketball fan so I don't really know I know the name Michael Jordan more

than I know his accolades in your face but I think I'd be like yo yo, what up, Mike? No, you wouldn't. I mean, you absolutely wouldn't. The same way that I wouldn't be like, what's up, Wayne, if Gretzky walked in. Oh, I think you wouldn't. You should. I mean, I did it with David Ortiz.

I know he's not Michael Jordan, but he's, like, bigger than Michael Jordan to me. What's up, Poppy? This is fucking insane. I was like, I was like, yeah, ratio. I was like, oh, shit.

Dude, I opened the door to the bathroom, and David Ortiz was just standing there blocking the entire entrance. And I was like, oh, shit. Dude, I opened the door to the bathroom, and David Ortiz was just standing there blocking the entire entrance. And I was like, oh, shit, what's up, Papi? That was one of the smoothest things I did in my life. He didn't even phase with David Ortiz, who I did not know was going to be in the office. Let alone that I was going to surprise him in the door, I didn't know he was going to be in the office.

That happened to me with Charles Oakley the other day. Granted, many, many tears lower, but I just got off the elevator, went in the back door, he was coming out of the green screen room, and I was just like, what's up, Oak? But I know Poppy's a big deal. Michael Jordan is maybe the most famous person ever. And this isn't trying to be a cool thing. I'm going to kill him.

Whatever comes out of his mouth next, I'm going to kill him. Pretend that celebrities don't try and pretend that celebrities don't affect me. Celebrities absolutely affect me. They affect everyone. If they tell you otherwise, they're a fucking liar. They're a celebrity for a reason. My favorite story to ever tell is when A-Rod came into the office and the whole office just got up like we were fucking being mind controlled

and just floated towards him. He was a human cruise ship that just had a weight that pulled you in. How about when the Jersey Shore showed up that first time? That one didn't really bother me. The whole office flocked downstairs. They all left the upstairs and came down to just be in the presence of them like they were fucking the Pope.

That one would be... I was like, what the fuck is happening? That one's a little silly. But MJ, I think, would be... You would be... Would you freak out for Gretzky, then? No, because I didn't really see Gretzky. Like, that wasn't...

What do you think of Michael Jordan? Yeah, still? You know, because you were, like... You were basically... How old are you now? 22. So you, like, pretty much missed his whole career. I missed his whole career.

Minus a couple days of the Wizards, but you didn't see that. I don't even think I was around for the Wizards. But it doesn't really even matter. He's way bigger than LeBron to me, in my eyes. Yeah, that's wild. See, that's what I mean, though. MJ kind of has that. Like, if I had met Dr. J, I would have been like, it's an honor, but I wouldn't be.

Because before, MJ was Dr. J, actually. I would be much more effective meeting Cam Neely or Ray I wouldn't be like, because like, you know, before MJ was Dr. J, I was like that. Like, I would be much more effective meeting like Cam Neely or Ray Bourque, because those are who my dad told me about. Yeah. Bobby Orr. Like, we, my dad didn't talk that much about Grads. He wasn't a Bruin. I obviously know him. And, you know, he, I think he played until 98, maybe.

But he was, you know, a shell of himself. He was on the Rangers. Right, right. But, you know, I mean, MJ is just on a different.ie what would you do if you met michael jordan would you be like what's up mike would you even like know who michael jordan is no i would i know who michael jordan is would you would you recognize him on the street uh-huh like that picture right there he's wearing like a black hat black t-shirt because actually ordinarily you would recognize would recognize Michael Jordan by his outfits because he would be wearing jeans that can like catch a fucking. I don't think I would recognize Michael Jordan, but now that I'm sports girl.

I mean. Oh, we got to do some jacked up. No, no, no, no, no. But soon I will be able to recognize everybody. Okay. Let's start with Michael Jordan. The reason why Michael Jordan is like so big and so impressive to me is because he doesn't talk to people and he's so hard to get access to. Yes.

So that's the reason why it's a huge deal. To get access to him is insane. It's not even just the fact that he's Michael fucking Jordan. It's that he doesn't fuck with other people. I can't even imagine. The reason he's so exclusive and reclusive, I feel like he almost would be like, get this guy out of here. He can't even be in the room. Yeah. Because I'm going to fucking tell stories exclusive and reclusive. I feel like he almost would be like,

get this guy out of here. He can't even be in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm going to fucking tell stories, and you're going to hear some shit. I can't believe that he was like, who's this? What's his name? Lurch?

Get this guy the fuck out of here. Because that just, I mean, it feels like he rolls that tight. Let's do, we got to do a slideshow for jackie uh like do you know him do you not we'll put together for for thursday's episode we'll do like celebrities we'll do athletes entertainers all that shit yeah no you're gonna do that who is like your michael jordan hey the montana like who are you like who who is your and your crew like if they walked in you're Michael Jordan. Hannah Montana. Who is your crew?

If they walked in, would it be an actress? Hannah Montana wasn't a joke. It could very well be. Would it be Miley? Would it be a model? Could it be a singer? That's what you're saying. I think that's one of the biggest things

why guys and girls will still only ever just like fuck each other and fight each other there's just a disconnect where it's like we can't figure out a way to coexist because we have our sports and we have like our sports figures and that bleeds into everything that we talk about

and do and then you guys kind of have your own version of that with like reality TV shows and celebrity gossip and stuff but it doesn't quite translate to this kind of shit where it's like I mean like if you saw Kim would you be like yeah I guess like Kim your queen Kim Kim's not

like my and then and then there's like like Kendall Kendall so then there's like guys you would want to fuck though right like if you saw Harry Styles be like fuck me and take me home and like put me in a fucking sack and take me like to your dungeon right real good apparently on last night zach's with me yeah i saw the video was it what rio was putting up yeah yeah that was sexual that was something but that's because that's like you that's your crush right yeah not like you kendall would be your girl that's like yeah kendall kylie i'm like i also just like i don't

really know not much about pop culture. Yeah. It's great. It's good that you work here. It's good that you work here. Okay, let's pretend you're on the dozen. Like, what's your niche category? No, that's like, I don't.

Like, it's fine. I'm going to like find a hobby at some point. No, I'm not even really making fun of her too much because I bet you there's more people like that than not. Like, I kind of, when they were like, what's your niche category? I was like, I don't fucking know. It kind of goes in with, like, when I had my meltdown of, like, what do people do?

You're still young, so you should just be like, I get drunk and I party and I hook up and I, like, you know, drink at bars and shit. That's all you need to do. But, like, what do people do and what do people, like, know? If anybody ever asks, what's your hobby? They're the worst person ever i hate that i hate that question i can't even imagine anybody's ever asked you that

oh almost like so many guys will try and like like they think it makes them sound like i think they think it makes it's a different way to say it like oh she's not gonna like be ready for that if i say hobby you know what i think is interesting though? When people say, what do you do? If you answer with something other than your job, I think usually they're like – it like short-circuits their brain. What do you mean? Like what would you say? I don't know. Like you could answer with a hobby.

But I think so many – like so every conversation you ever have with people is always – at least in like New York and around here is so based on your job and what you do for money that it's like – But if some guy would be like knitting, I'd be like, is that like what you do for money that it's like uh but if some guy would be like knitting i'd be like is that like yeah yeah like what do you do and it's like yeah i i like oh no i'm a financial advisor but right what do i do that's what i'm saying like answer with something other than your boring fucking job or what's even better is if your job is awesome and you reply with something else and you let that kind of like slip in there. It's like, oh yeah, no, I make like $10 million a year at, you know, Goldman Sachs. But I, what do I do?

I fish. With my passion? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I, you know, I work with like the deaf kids on the weekends. What are you talking about? Oh, you're too easy, Jackie. Are you ready to do jacked up? Jacked up week two.

She has two pages of notes. She's got notes and she's still not ready to do Jacked Up? Jacked Up week two. She has two pages of notes. She's got notes and she's still not ready to do it. Jacked Up week two is brought to you by Nectar Sunglasses. I'm going to actually pass these glasses over to you, Jackie. This is going to be like Big Daddy. No. What's the show? Yeah, where he puts on the sunglasses and then he's invincible.

And you're not going to be worried. You're not going to be nervous because you're going to have these Nectar Sunglasses on because A, they're super fly. B, yeah. And you're not going to be worried. You're not going to be nervous because you're going to have these Nectar sunglasses on because, A, they're super fly. B, they're well-made. C, they're polarized. So that means, like John Cena up in here, you can't see me. And Jackie's going to deliver her sermon, her football sermon, wearing some of the best shades on the market. Nectar is our new sunglasses brand.

I got to pop them open to do my face ID. And I'm actually going to make my face ID wearing my Nectar sunglasses because I'm so... Dude, I tried to do that. I couldn't get mine to work. I'm really bad at face ID. Well, your face... You know what the problem is? There's too many of you out there.

There's too many in the Apple database being like, well, we got the Durex guy and we got the fucking tomato that looks like you, Schwartzy. Nectar, you never have to worry since every pair, this is probably good for Jackie as well. How many pairs of sunglasses do you think you break or lose? All of them. You go out drinking one night and you lose that. Your dignity, your wallet, your sunglasses,

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Pass them over to Jackie if she needs them. It's week two, technically week three of the NFL, but week two of jacked up. What? Okay. Facebook might be gone forever. Snapchat, too forever Hold on Twitter's freaking out right now Wait a second

Jackie took it down So she didn't have to do jacked up Put a pin in this This This is the beginning of the end This is it This is the beginning of the end john this is it let's go this is the beginning of the end this is some i don't know i don't know if it's anonymous i don't know if it's some fucking hackers i don't know what it is but we're this is the like the end

this is the global like domination plan rolling into action they started with zuckerberg and they take out facebook and ig now it's twinkling into Jack and Twitter. Take them all. Take them all. I don't know why I'm actually rallying for this because we're fucked without it, man. I don't know either. We're fucked. Why are we fucked?

Because we have no discernible skills outside of the internet. Yeah, but that doesn't mean the internet is gone. It just means Facebook is. One thing we've always said about Barcelona, we don't rely on the fucking... Well, we said that in like 2010. We totally rely on it now. We said that before we hired a bunch of Facebook people from Bleacher Report. We're totally relying on it now.

We said that before we scooped up ESPN's YouTube person. We're all not owned and operated. We used to love that war cry. Oh, no, baby. Oh, no. This is back when people would fucking go to your URL and write barstoolsports.com and click enter to go to it. Ain't nobody doing that for any website ever again now. Except Google.

I do it for Google. Yeah, John goes to google.com to Google things. I mean, this has kind of been all day long without Instagram, people have started bugging out. Facebook being down maybe just means like all of the old people in America will like snap out of it. Imagine that. Imagine if it's almost like in Lord of the Rings when there's that old guy who's decrepit and his skin's falling apart and Gandalf gets him out of the spell

and he just becomes young again. If your fat, old, racist aunt just all of a sudden became nice. Like if she just went back to baking brownies and being nice to you because Zuckerberg lost his spell over her and she was like, what happened?

Wait, bro, bro. I talked to you about this last week. Remember? I remember when I talked about how we fixed the happened? Bro, bro. I talked to you about this last week. Remember? Right. Remember when I talked about how we fixed the world? Yes, basically. We did this. We manifested this shit.

Go on. I like where this is headed. Okay, we were walking down 28th Street. Right. Coming back towards the office. We fixed the world. I told you about how. So my dad had texted me.

Oh, the streaming service. Yes. So we didn't fix the world yet, but we have the plan to fix the world. We had it. So now, the streaming service. Yes. So we didn't fix the world yet, but we have the plan to fix the world. We had it. So now's the time to strike. Someone was listening to us on the phones, and they did it. They stole it from us. So last Thursday, my dad texted me 1130 in the morning.

I hadn't talked to my dad since Monday. 1130, and my dad texted me, Tommy Shelby's the man. No contact whatsoever. Not an inaccurate statement. No, no. Deadass correct. But Peaky Blinders as a series is almost over now. And Mr. Feidelberg is just coming to see the light here.

And what had happened was my parents moved recently. And they don't have TV anymore. And now my parents are – They have some cable. They have streaming services so they can watch Peaky Blinders. They're cord cutters. And my mother is probably the most liberal person alive. My father was by no means any fucking Fox News guy.

But he watched the news. He's like Shane Gillis says. You can have a Fox News dad. You can't have a Fox News mom. He saw the news. So the text I used to get from my dad would be like, did you see that school in Idaho? They're not going by the Indians anymore. I'm like, oh.

All right, dude. The fuck do I care about that? Now it's just like, yo, Mayor of Easttown's great. Tommy Shelby's the man. If you got rid of all the cable and you stopped your parents and your grandparents from watching cable, world fixed. This is what we're gonna do. We're coming up,

we got Sling TV now, right? So we've got our own fucking channel. We're gonna come up with packages for all these services that are called Save the World Package.

And it just doesn't include any news channels. So you're gonna get to stream fucking, you know, your favorite sports. You're gonna get to stream Barstool Sports.

You get to stream HBO Max. You're gonna get a couple things that we can keep up with Squid Game And you can keep up with all this shit And then when you want to get your daily fix Of fucking Tucker this and Anderson that Can't do it See that's the problem right there too

Is Fox News is just They play on a different level Because we don't want to make this political Even though it's very clearly political Where they have the hot blondes But we're talking about a different level, because we don't want to make this political, even though it's very clearly political. Where they have the hot blondes, but we're talking about CNN's got all the hot dudes. CNN's got Anderson. CNN's

got Jake Tapper. Nick watches CNN. CNN's got Cuomo. If only gay guys or women had power, they'd fucking be making If only we respected them. If only they weren't making 70 cents on the dollar, this would be fine. It's just fucking white dudes watching. You see that chick on Fox last night?

Pretty good looking. What else are they talking about? Don't know. Bro, Zuckerberg lost $7 billion today. And it's not even a drop in the bucket. Well, kind of. I mean, it is actually a drop in the bucket. Is it?

Out of 120, that'd be a drop in the bucket. 7 out of is actually a drop in the bucket. Is it? Out of 120, that'd be a drop in the bucket. Seven out of 120 is a drop in the bucket. It's not even 7% of your wealth. 10% of your wealth. Yeah, that's a big chunk. I wouldn't notice. But you would not notice. You are a buffoon.

I actually just noticed. I would absolutely. I shouldn't be saying this into a microphone. I would absolutely not notice if you stole 10% of my money. Again, that's not like a flex. It's not about I got so much money. It's just that I don't. I actually – so I don't have any money, and I got all sorts of fraud.

And I also have just been paying insurance for a car that has just not been on the road for a year. And I just finally called- How much is that a month? Probably a couple hundred bucks now. Yeah. And I call up Geico finally to be like, yo, you got to get this off my account. And the woman starts looking at it and she's like,

no, this can't be right. I was like, what? She's like, I mean, it says that you've been paying us it's february and i was like no yeah that checks out that totally checks out see i that would be like what a steal yeah that's what i said i honestly was like i thought it was like a couple years worth and then uh she was like oh man you must like got that money and i'm like no that's why we're doing this right now because i don't have the money because i need to recoup all this shit so i got that and i have a fucking what's i hanging with you i'm trying to expense

this through work. And you know what? I also shouldn't say into a microphone, the amount of fraud that I probably missed. Like, I started going through my account and I was like, shipped. I don't use that. Sephora, I don't shop there. Just tons.

Gas station in fucking, like, Chicago. Prescriptions I don't have. I was like, whoever has my card is doing it very smartly. And this is the problem with being a drinker. We go, I must have had a big night. Sure could have been me. Now imagine doing that with Zuckerberg money, though. It's like, ah, $7 billion?

Okay, well, you know, that's a rough day. But it's more, you know what it is? It's not even, it's not the money. It's like the fucking, the clout of it all, you know, that's a rough day. Yeah, it could have been. But it's more, you know what it is? It's not even, it's not the money. It's like the fucking, the clout of it all, you know? It's like, that's a bad day for Zuck because he's the main character. You know, he's the main character of the story today. But let's talk about what happens if all of the social media apps plummet. What happens?

Like, what's the first day? First of all, we fire all first day? First of all, we fire all you guys. First of all, everybody's fired. Second of all, I do believe we go back to the O&O. I do think we become kings again. I think we go back. We go fucking... Newspaper? Nope. I'm talking you and I.

What were the Wall Street protesters called? Occupy Wall Street. Who, by the way? We go sit on the street corners. Mic check. Mic check. Yes. Me and you and I just start talking. What are you guys going to talk about today?

I don't know. My balls are long. That's pretty weird, right? They are, and we'll talk about that sack in a minute. You know who I found out recently was in Occupy Cincinnati? Our buddy Justin Jeffrey from 98 Degrees. Oh yeah? He was like the only person in it. He like ran

for mayor and was the head of Occupy Cincinnati. Occupy Cincinnati. The people of Cincinnati yelling back like what more do you want, dude? What more could you possibly want? What could you be complaining about? What would happen?

I feel like, you know, like right now, I don't think TikTok is in this mix. But if TikTok – oh, this is China. Yeah, this is China, by the way. All these platforms are down except for TikTok. Well, Twitter's down. Twitter's freaking out right now. Like media is starting to disappear from tweets. Right. Twitter is freaking out right now. Media is starting to disappear from tweets. Right, so I'm saying if everybody's down except for TikTok, this is just China pulling strings. I actually kind of want to start a live broadcast.

Like broadcast End of the World. Some Independence Day shit. Someone deleted large sections of the routing. That doesn't mean that Facebook is down. That means that Facebook is gone. That can't be true, but if that's true, that's fucking awesome! This is some Dr. Robot, Mr. Robot shit, where, like, people are, like, true

anarchy. Yeah, I can't even find anything on Reddit either, and on Twitter, like, nothing's really popping up. This is, like, a deep cut. WhatsApp is down, too. Snapchat is down. I don't know why you're celebrating so much. Elmo fire! You're growing a shit ton on Instagram. Like, that's, like, your biggest platform. I know, I'm fucked. But that's how much I'm just rooting for the fucking downfall of all this nonsense.

Because if there's the only thing that like I hate having to grow all these different accounts. Now it's just gone. And we'll just be the assholes in the park. Mic check. One, two, one, two. Man, that is kind of crazy. Like what do you mean Facebook's gone? Bro, that's so good because guess what?

I probably got shit on Facebook that should not be on Facebook. And I always just opted by the whole, if I don't look at it, no one else is going to find it. Yeah, right, right. Motherfucker, I had Facebook when I was 15. That's a problem. Yeah, like I was around fucking late 2000s, man. The world was a different place. Yeah, like, I was around fucking, like, late 2000s, man. The world was a different place.

Yeah, I was up in 2005, 2006. I could say anything. No one cared. Bro, absolutely. What's up? Uh-huh. Yeah, oh, yeah. It'll come back, and then I'll get fired.

Whatever. One week. It's going to be down for a week. Says who? Says that Whatever. One week. It's going to be down for a week. Says who? Says that guy. Down detector. So, so, subscribe to the fucking YouTube, you goddamn assholes. It's the only place you can consume media right now.

We should just be live on YouTube like 24 hours a day for the next fucking week straight. Click subscribe because YouTube is the only one surviving. I think the TikTokers would die first. I feel like those kids, if they don't have it. Already started. If they don't. Already started. And so, you know what?

You texted and so it begins. And it's like, you know. Who knew that we had a lot more behind it. It wasn't just that one tragedy. I just wanted to say just a quick RIP to Gabe, babe.

TikToker happened to die in a car accident with a police chase. Just happened to happen. Rest in peace. Sad stuff. Only we could have seen it coming. So... If someone had warned them. If the TikTokers don't have their daily... He's just on the cut of me shirtless being like, this is your future!

Best case scenario, you end up like this. Oh my God. The last Barstool Confessions was, does John have the gift of prophecy? best case scenario you end up like this oh my god the last Barstool Confessions was does John have the gift of prophecy and then that happened cause I said I think part of me is in the future I think I know shit man I could not believe that

you know what I love by the way this tweet with all these fucking numbers being like Facebook's gone and we're numbers. Being like, Facebook's gone. And we're all just like, oh, well, Facebook's gone. Because of 129.134.549. What is this? Longitude and latitude we're looking at? I think that was stuff that you could type in those numbers instead of the website.

And it'll take you to the website. And now those are appearing. It's like, this doesn't exist. But like, all right. Can't they just remake it? Yeah, just make it again. Like, we used to say this all the time. Like, when I almost... Well, DevNest erased our whole shit. We just fucking made a new website,

pussies. We used to say all the time, if you, you know, sue us and we don't have any money and they just take barstoolsports.com, we'll just make barstoolsports2.com. And back then, everybody would just go to barstoolsports2. Like, it really wouldn't have fucking affected us at all. And that's why... We'll once again be king.

We'll be king of the jungle once again. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, John. In the land of the no social media apps, Barstool Sports, O&O, original fucking URL web addresses. We go back to the top, brother. Is

the Millen office still for sale, just in case? Seriously. Gotta go back in case. Seriously. Got to go back in time, man. Scale back real quick. Yeah, so wait a minute. Okay, so I'm fucked, right? No, we're just starting to hit our stride on TikTok now. Right, now we just got to get on TikTok.

All right, fuck this Instagram shit. We have a dance for you guys ready to go today. Let's get it. This is kind of like a week-long vacation for a lot of people. I'm just like, I'm not doing one Minutemen this week. I haven't gotten an email from Gaz yet. I was like, we haven't gotten an email from Gaz yet. Yeah, I mean, that's ridiculous.

You guys are a social media team. Literally, the very existence of social media is being threatened, and Gaz hasn't said a word. You know why? What Gaz is doing right now? Gaz is on to his next job. Gaz is learning how, and Gaz hasn't said a word. You know why? What Gaz is doing right now? Gaz is on to his next job. Gaz is learning how to be like a carpenter right now.

Goddamn cockroach who just will always survive. What are you guys talking about, man? I lay bricks for a living now. I'm at the Empire State Building with Tyler O'Day. I'm a fucking janitor in the basement. Gaz is back at his sheet metal cutting company where he used to store all the black... I can't even talk right now. All those t-shirts? All the black lights and stuff like that

for the Blackout Tour? I mean, it would not surprise me. All right, so the world is in chaos. Mr. Robot's real. Facebook is gone. Zuckerberg's probably dead soon.

Zuckerberg, he might end up, you know, jarring himself. Oh, do it, you bitch. Do it, you little pussy. Instagram. Bro, but also, how sick. Do it, you little pussy. Instagram. Bro,

but also, how sick would it be if we can go back? If we can just go back. To the way it was? If I'm Jack, if we can just go back. Bro,

I would love it. Our lives, you know what, especially after living this crazy life, if we could go back to what it was, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like it, if we could go back, I would be like, oh, like blogging, you sweet, sweet bitch.

Oh, I could make the argument I was happy. Yeah, right. I could make the argument I was blissful. Wouldn't that be funny if all of a sudden we're like – everyone else in the world is obviously depressed because they're addicted to these things and it's being just plucked out of their hands. And we're just like happy all of a sudden. Yeah. It's like, yeah, this is great. We don't need this shit.

I work in a fucking dentist office again. Not a receptionist. You're acting like you're not addicted to it as well. I am, but I hate it. It's like, you know, you guys love it and, like, need it. I'm, like, I'm addicted to it because it's like I have to. Yeah, yeah. You guys are the 24-year-old alcoholics out of the club.

Kevin's the one sitting at a bar being like, this fucking sucks. I'll tell you if I'm sucking from some stories. It's also a matter of, like, I'm addicted. If I can't have it and you all can, then I'm, like, freaking out. But if nobody's got it, it's like dying. If you're a bird, Kevin's a bird. Yeah. It's like if everybody dies, then I'm okay dying.

I just want to be the only one. So we'll see what happens in the week-long chaos here. If you do a one-minute man about Instagram not existing, did you ever even do a one-minute man? Let me just tell you guys, I did this one-minute man on Instagram not existing. It was amazing.

It got the most views. All of the comments were supportive. Everybody likes me there. It was really my best video ever. What? Excuse me. Okay. Let's just do a day, right? Tomorrow morning, you wake up.

What do you do without it? 8 a.m. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Instagram. No nothing. Give me your day. Pornhub.

Start off on Pornhub. Start off on Pornhub. Hit the shower. Get out of the shower. TV's still working as far as we know, right? Yep. Okay, so pop on, you know, whatever I'm watching, right? Immediately,

usually while I'm watching, I would probably open up a social media app of some sort. So you're actually consuming a TV show. Yeah, I'm watching a TV show, but something that I would put on that I don't need to actively, like, really watch, because usually that's where I'm, like, eating eating a bowl of cereal and I pop open a social media app. So in order to placate and fill that void of taking my phone out and opening something, I would open up Pornhub.

And so I would watch Pornhub then, too. You'd watch more porn. More porn. But also... Your brain is fucking... At this point, you've been away for an hour. Your brain is screaming. Fucking, like, been away for an hour your brain is screaming fucking

like can I just see someone get cancelled please so when I get angry about something it just doesn't fucking matter sick of seeing

assholes well that's that's really the thing is you would like what what more could you okay so I got I get

I have my real porn obsession in the morning that was just a casual one where I'm just kind of like looking at some things, right? Finished. How long does...

Okay, sorry, a little sidebar here. How long do you go, hey, I'm just going to take a peek before you're like, well... It's too late. There it is. Yeah. You know, it depends on the situation, but as you get older, that time can go on longer and longer. What would be your first internet activity of the day with no social media? You would have to go to a website.

I would probably text some people. But what would change this social media? It would probably be like I would go to a website. What would I go to? I guess I would check out Barstool. But a place that I don't work? What would I go to? Nothing I would I guess I would check out barstool but like the place that I don't work nothing's on barstool 17 blogs but hey the internet's down yeah yeah yeah you know what's funny he says internet's not working what I would love is when everyone's like go back to the

fucking old like the golden age man when you used to make those videos they list like the same three videos that would come out like once every three years You know what I mean? There's not there wasn't that much like done. I think by the way, I think the internet's almost finished Well, I think we're just about done with it. I don't I Don't think elaborate on that please. Oh all our social accounts put up now is the same fucking videos We have videos like five years ago. We just repeat them. Yeah, I noticed a lot of repeats I also started making me think I have Alzheimer's. Right.

I was like, wait a minute. Yeah, because we finished the internet. Right. We're done with it. No, we didn't finish it. We saw it all. We finished the internet. We saw it all.

Now we're just showing the highlights of shit from five years ago. We finished. There's nothing else. Another mom that didn't fall in the pool? We'll just show the other one. Give me another gender reveal gone wrong Yeah, yeah Oh yeah, no, this chick, she tried to bounce a basketball with a high noon on top Show that video again

Did you see the video of the sorority girls dancing on the bar? They fell off How about the one, have you seen the one where the baby almost falls But the dad catches the baby in time? Dad reflexes, bro See, we finished the internet, man. What about the one where the UPS slash FedEx slash post office man

does something mildly interesting? Have you seen that one? He danced. We've used the internet for everything we need it for. It has served its purpose. It is like, what's that meme? Memes can stay. Memes can stay.

Memes are allowed. The one with Splinter walking all the little guys. And it's like, okay, so the internet. And it's like all of us. And then now it's like, all right, Garamond, let's get you to bed. Have you guys seen the puppy who does the fucking thing that all puppies do? Oh, my God. The doorbell camera.

What did Trent have last night? He just did caps locks. It was so funny. He was just caps locks. Batten down the hatches. They just showed the number 69 on television. We're done. That's it.

We're done with the internet. There it is. There's the meme. That's all we got left, man. All right, so let's do top fives then. Let's do top five things you would miss most from the internet. But for any second you thought that Jackie was going to get away with not doing jacked up, you're outside of your mind.

Jacqueline, how else would our listeners know what happened in football this week? You are doing a service for the people. Okay? So just keep that in mind. So jacked up. Brought to you by Jackie. What do we got? What do the people need to know?

That happened this week in the NFL. All right. Start with the? Jets. What happened to the Jets? They won. By the way, Jackie, I was out of train most of the day yesterday, so I need this. So please update me.

I got you. And this time, I got the Giants. Last time, I didn't have the giants i have most of them i took notes i took full pages of notes watch out fucking uh wait hey by the way jacked up as a segment you're gonna have a time on it right uh yeah uh how long is jacked up and don't we all i have to, Jacked Up! I would say, for YouTube purposes, about three minutes. Three minutes for Jacked Up. Three to ten is perfect.

So we got three minutes on the clock. It's just like I have so much football knowledge. I know. You're going to be hard to squeeze it into three minutes. Listen, girl, I know. Trying to get your content into just a couple minutes is not easy. Jacked Up with the Jets. Go.

Go. Jets won. They're back, baby. Good day for New York. Mm-hmm. Zach Wilson was looking pretty good. Yeah. He didn't finish everything, but he was looking pretty good. He didn't finish everything, but he was looking good.

I have... Yes, I have... He's throwing daggers, which I apparently is not the right term. Whatever. You know what? That's your own fucking term now. Zach Wilson throws daggers per Jackie Yeah exactly he was throwing daggers And then in the last moment I don't fully remember what happened

But basically it was Tied up No no it was almost tied And then they just had to Be on defense Until the end And then they did had to be on defense until the end, and then they did it. Jacked up.

Jets won. Exactly. I have, yes. Okay, Bryce Hall, not the TikToker Bryce Hall, thought that he was trending, was very disappointed, but he did well. Jeremy McNichols. I want to change my last name to McNichols.

You want to throw a Mick on there? I want to throw a Mick on there I want to throw a Mick on there That is Irish appropriation and I will not allow it That's offensive to me and my culture It's Irish appropriation, you can't do it I know, but it's a lot more fun to say than just Nick Are you Irish? No Then you can't do it

It's like blackface, are you kidding me? You can't just throw a Mick on the end of your name if you're not a Mick I think I'm going to do it Okay, and then we'll go What should we do next? Giants? You can't just throw a Mick on the end of your name if you're not a Mick. I think I'm going to do it. Okay. And then we'll go. What should we do next? Giants?

Yeah. I don't have much for the Giants. One minute and 30 seconds. I have Daniel Jones to Ross. So apparently that happened. Jacked up. Jacked up. And then, okay, Patriots, Bucs.

Obviously. Wow. Yeah. Like, wow. Wow. Big wow. Big wow. Big uh why why is it wow because the bucks won brady won against you know but also um mac jones mac jones like did well against brady the goat right yeah brady's at linebacker he's like yeah these guys out there fucking laying yeah uh the only other thing i have. Oh, okay.

Folk. Folk. Folk. One of the all-time surprises that he has the Patriots record for most consecutive field goals. Shocking statistic. He was good. He kicked the Jets, too. He's good.

Can you believe it? I literally could not believe it. Yeah. And he did a 62-yard field goal. and then, as everybody said, it doints. It hit the goalpost. I mean, where did 62 come from? 56. That's okay.

Yeah, it's fine, but I'm just curious where it came from. I actually don't know. Okay, 56. Sorry. The only other thing I have is— I'm not trying to mansplain it. Oh, yeah, I was totally mansplaining. Totally mansplaining. Fine. Ten to mansplain it. Oh, yeah, I was totally mansplaining. Totally mansplaining. Fine.

10 seconds left to jacked up! Oh, fuck! Okay, the only other thing I have for that is Steve Belichick has the worst, the least cool-looking mullet I've ever seen. I don't like that. Steve Belichick has a lot of looks. Steve Belichick, you gotta get that mullet jacked up! There it is.

Boom. The best three minutes on the internet today. Jacked up. Everything you need to know about the best three minutes on the internet today. Jacked up. Everything you need to know about the Jets, Giants, Bucs, and Patriots. And that's it. Nothing else. Wait. Did the Bears win?

Yes. Overtime from jacked up. There you go. I'm going to take your word on that. Yep. Yeah. Bears did win. I know that.

All right. Cool. Well done, Jackie. Well done. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Top five things you would miss most from the internet. Top five All right. Top five things you would miss most from the internet.

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Apply now today at GagedDiamonds.com and use promo code kfc at checkout for 20 off all right let's go top things to disappear from the internet i will go number one i mean clearly according to my you know well let's actually let's include what's happened here now. Okay? Like, you can draft the social media apps. I refuse. Do we want to do this at, like,

there's already no Facebook, Instagram, and shit? Or is that on the table to be drafted? Yeah, of course. I thought we'd go more specific. What are you talking... What are you thinking? That man's getting poked. Okay.

That's your first pick? That's not my first pick. What's getting me on the board? I miss a poke, man. Pokes are hot. You want to get a poke? Bro, back in the day, you get a poke. Oh, boy, you were touching that night.

Yo, pokes were so fucking sassy and so aggressive. I think an online poke. That's all Urban was doing. Urban was just doing a little, hey, how are you? A little poke. I think what he was doing was less like than a fucking internet poke. A Facebook poke was like, whoa. You log on to Savannah fucking PokeTube?

This motherfucker is thirsty. Oh, man. Like, you can't tell me that Facebook didn't know exactly what they were doing. Bro, a poke? A technology poke. Like you can't tell me that Facebook didn't know exactly what they were doing Using the terminology poke If someone, if a guy ran up on a chick In the real world And poked her in the leg with his dick It wouldn't be as shocking

As a Facebook poke Or maybe I just didn't get a lot of pokes I never had sex Or never hooked up from a Facebook poke Because it would get me so horny I'd have no choice but to masturbate right then and there. And then I just have a desire to go. Yeah.

I was like, girl, you already poked me. So is your pick for. I was talking about you. OK. So I was going to say those those don't really exist anymore. Yeah. No. I mean, the pokes are they just they only exist between obese Missourians.

I just feel like they probably poke each other a lot. Beast Missourians. I just feel like they probably poke each other a lot. I will. Rydell, did you poke her? I don't think so, mama. That's my cousin. John just creates narratives in his own head, and they just go. I just love to be in there watching the movie that he creates.

My first pick then, then though I will go Pornhub I can't go back to buffering websites well not like internet porn I mean so I'm going vast on this wouldn't even miss it you can go back to your magazines

all I need is a nice tale of eroticism god the way he says that it really disturbs me Yeah, so you can go back to your magazines. All I need is a nice tale of eroticism. God, the way he says that, it really disturbs me. Yeah, it fucking gets me hard. How about that? Don't you have a drawer of just nudie mags? It's not a drawer. It's a chest, brother.

It's not only a chest. A trove. It's the chest in the middle of my living room, and nobody knows. Nobody knows. None the wiser. If you opened up my living room, and no one is none the wiser. If you opened up my living room fucking coffee table, it's full of cum. That's like some voyeur shit that you should be locked up for. If you opened my living room table, dining room table, living room coffee table,

there are no less than 40 nudie magazines, some of them exclusively obese people, some of them exclusively elderly people, some of them, there are DVDs in there. It is. And I think he gets off on the fact that he's like, my guests are resting their feet on top of my porn chest. Oh, go ahead, put your feet up. Do you need to take your shoes off? Of course not. I get plenty of foot porn in there already. Well, I mean, I walked into this place and there's fucking ball gags and fucking executioner masks and everything sitting around here.

So this whole place is just becoming a treasure chest of porn stuff. But you really, if there was no internet porn tomorrow, that wouldn't bother you? Of course it bothered me. But I thought, so I just want to be clear, I just thought that this game... You can do whatever you want, man. I thought it was like what the thing we are apparently losing. So it's just anything at all? Yes.

Like today, it turns out we might lose Facebook and internet and IG. What if we lost blah, blah, blah next? Whatever you want, man. Yo, my answers are going to be so lame for this. Why? Huh? Why? Well, I just want to keep my job.

Barstool Sportsbook. All right. Barstool Sportsbook. If we didn't have the Barstool Sportsbook, you wouldn't be able to place these bets and win these hoodies and have these amazing boosted odds. The boosted odds are crazy sometimes. I see these guys. I don't even quite understand how it goes. You know I'm not a gambler.

And it's just like would be like plus 150. Barstool Sportsbook plus 850. What? Okay. Those Westerners are sick as shit. Yeah, they are. Also, if anyone's listening to this who happens to work at Barstool Sportsbook, wouldn't mind some of these hoodies we're throwing out there. Well, you got to go place a fucking $50 bet against this spread, bro.

Laying around, hook your boy up. Hook your boy up. Number two, if I lost, I would go with number two. What do I use the most right now? I would go with GPS who loves GPS GPS I mean I don't know about you when I go anywhere

now I pop it in the GPS not because I don't know how to get there necessarily just because there might be traffic I've said it before I take an Uber to my destination and I put it in the GPS so I just know what time of the street to get out of so I don't look like an asshole like yeah yeah yeah yeah i know it's on the left side let me let me let me just say this real quick if there's anybody else let me just say this real

quick if there's any guys out there or girls i guess but like stereotypically this is guys uh who still like pride themselves on directions and shit, kick rocks, man. The people who used to be like, I don't need a map or I don't need to ask directions. Those people were just liars. First of all, you don't know how to get there. Oh, you need to get to Biloxi? I got you.

Why would you know how to fucking get there? I was born with a great sense of direction. What does that even fucking mean? Settlers, what does that mean? Like your brain is a compass or some shit? What are you talking about? And I honestly think at some point... Did you just say compass?

What? Compass? Compass? Compass, Kevin. Compass? I mean, hang on, please. The entire room, stop. Yeah, that was weird. Because even if I'm wrong, I don't think it's that weird of a thing. It was like my head was attached to a string and someone.

Yeah. I was like, pull the. I was like a dog. You threw a ball and put it behind your back. But let's settle it right here. I'm not confident enough that I don't know. I say compass, right? Hit me with a compass pronunciation.

I don't know. I say compass, right? Hit me with a compass pronunciation. I don't care about it. I'm saying, like, was there so few things back then to be proud of knowing or being smart about that just knowing the fucking directions was worth, like, bragging about? Was, like, worth being, you know what I mean? Like, I'm the guy who knows where

the things are. That's me, man. That's all I got a fucking, That's all I got in my life. They didn't have the internet. That's what I mean. They didn't have anything on the fucking internet. They didn't have anything worth being proud of. Compass. It was just like I know things.

But guess what? If you fast forward to times of the internet, then there's like people who pride themselves on finding new music, people who pride themselves on finding viral videos. Those are just people who back in the day would have said, I know how to get places. I guess so, but there's some value in finding new music where it's like, well, if I can just find out how to get there

by plugging it in this thing, I'm not going to be disappointed in myself, you fucking losers. My number two is just going to be Barstool Sports, of course. You do need it. I have it. Without social media, what am I going to do all day? I'm going to print out articles for BarstoolSports.com, and I'm going to read them on the can.

And that's the whole thing. You've got to get a printer. You've got to yeah and for that well don't worry my my new job the cubes will have one uh where i i will go with uh uh like streaming music whether it's spotify apple music like whatever however i know i've slowly been slipping backwards in time like all your things you're saying, except for the GPS, I could just jerk off to a nice, sexy tail.

Oh, tail. Like a tail. Or if you want to put in one of those butt plug things. Your records. Yeah, records. I mean, I just hate you. Yeah, me too. When John really starts to lay out all the things about him, I'm like, oh, you're just awful.

Yeah. It's tough. Look, I've been saying I don't like me for the better part of over a decade. I'm just late on the pickup here. Honestly, very few people have been like, hey, don't say that. If you think about how many times I you think about how many times i've said i hate me and i'm a piece of shit the amount of people who have said don't say that are staggering very very low if you think of the amount of times i've said it and to the amount

of people who have heard it the amount of people who have said hey Hey, come on. Come on, bud. Come on, guys. An insanely low number. Maybe two a year. I was going to say, who? Can you even name somebody? Oh, no one personally. Just like a stranger. Like, hey. And that's the real test is that nobody who actually matters said it.

Just because y'all just don't want pussy. The number three. I don't know. I was going to say one bite pizza. How could I eat pizza? I wouldn't even know which one's good on a scale of one to ten. Yeah, the one bite app the one because now yeah now you know if instagram's down you could still go to your one bite app fuck that fuck that fuck that that's number four number three it's the internet the internet answer the internet

the internet's down you can't be answering it the internet's down you don't even be answering it. The internet's down. You can't even call it anymore. Company man over here. Company man. And then my number four, I'm just taking OneBite. The OneBite app or the OneBite? Oh, go ahead. The existence of the whole franchise.

I don't know where to get my pizza from. The whole thing. I'll go with... Top 5 really has turned into what lame bit does John want to do today? I'm going to go... What stupid, unfunny thing is John going to bother us with today? It truly is a bothersome, like, 12 minutes. It's just like, okay, what Barstool thing are you going to put next?

We get it, you stupid asshole. I wonder if the fifth pick will also have something to do with Barstool. I'll go any delivery apps. John, your Barstool pick? I think we might be out of apps, right? Or at least I haven't downloaded it. No, there's Foreplay has an app. Are you kidding me?

You think I'm going to call up a golf course, make a reservation? Can't do that. No, I'm going to use the Foreplay golf app. Yeah. Is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to make fucking great golf times. Totally. You will get all of the times to go golfing right there.

Foreplay app. Foreplay golf app, baby. My last one here, I'm torn between two things. It would be, because there's just two, like, powerhouses of internet entertainment, really, when I think about it. Just ones that I don't think I could live without. One would be Bailey Carlin's Twitter account. And two would be the empire state building twitter

and i just don't know which one i could live without on the one hand i would lose pictures of vegetarian food and depression tweets on the other hand how would i know about the empire state building and what's going on there so some sort of combo of those two. How about maybe Bailey Carlin tweeting about the Empire State Building? That would be my fifth and final pick. All right, so that's top five. What top five things could you not want? What top five things could you not lose from the Internet

or not live without on the Internet? We've got to get into our voicemails next but first uh i i don't think i can't decide whether i'm happy or sad that i came in a little late today because i missed your ball sack on a on a bar stool yep i always said i had long balls and you proved it i got long balls i i mean are you having a long ball day too yep like you got long balls. Are you having a long ball day, too? Yep. You got long balls, but then you still have long ball days and short ball days. So your long balls are having a long ball day. I think Marty's on my full penis today. Yeah, absolutely.

So I saw the picture of you from behind. By the way, anybody who's seen me shirtless, which is everybody in this room, I think, none of you, not one, decided to tell me I should probably see a dermatologist? I am covered in moles. My lower back is just a mole farm. Oh, my God. I've never seen it before. It's making my skin crawl.

It is. I feel like Tree Man. Look how many fucking. Look at. Zoom into my lower back. No, don't. Don't. Don't.

No, no. Not on that one, Mark. On the picture. The picture right there. That one. Look at my lower back. Oh, my God. It's Mole City.

It's an alien mole farm. Bro, that is just so much cancer. It's like. It's an alien mole farm Bro that is just so much cancer It's like How about this We always thought it was gonna be in my lip or my liver Turns out the lower back Skin oh my god It's just everywhere

So for people who might not Wait hang on I want you to look at it No Tell me Cause I can't tell from the picture Are they moles or freckles I hate this job I can't

Can you pull it up for me? No! Why do I have to do this? Watch on YouTube. I'm sucking my stomach out. Oh, God. What's worse is that some of them are neither. Some of them are pimples.

I have been taking human growth hormone. John, I got to be honest. There's like One freckle A couple pimples One that might be a mole And the rest are just like blemishes I don't even know what they are

They're just like spots Not really the answers I was looking for What's your second degree even for bro You can't fuck Can't wait to call it five years Congratulations I was looking for. What's your second degree even for, bro? You can't fucking... Can't wait to call it five years. Can't tell what's wrong with my back.

Congratulations. I need to take a picture. You know what? Let me take a picture and I'll show them to you because some of them just look like red splotches. Some of them are just like... I don't know if they're like birthmarks or what. Okay.

Like what's this thing right here, dude? What's like that thing? I don't know. It's actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I want to pop that pimple so bad. Is that a pimple? Yeah. You want to pop that bitch?

No. I don't know. You're not going to come to me. That's what real friends do. Real friends pop each other's pimples Pimple on the back Jackie is distraught Jackie's like

I could be like working For like chicks in the office Talking about like how hot Harry Styles is And instead we're talking about Feidelberg having back cancer Great Welcome So there are people who probably don't know

At all what's going on right now. We didn't preface this at all. Casey Musgraves, who is now Feidelberg's mortal enemy, who is jacking all of his swagger and all his style. She jacked Sad Girl Season from John. Sad Girl Fall. Sad Girl Fall. And from now on, we have a blood feud. I will teach my sons to hate your sons, and I hope you do the same.

This will be a generational war. I will teach my children to hate your children, and they shall teach theirs to hate. The Musgraves-Fidelberg feud is just getting started. Bro, I feel shit-faced right now. That's how sick I am. Yeah. Bro I feel shit face right now That's how sick I am Yeah She played a Guitar naked So Feidelberg

Had to come over the top And play whatever Sort of That It's an accordion Nick's accordion It's an accordion Yeah

And he had to do it Totally naked And Marty Mush Saw his fucking fat sack Yeah Big old sack on it Well not fat Long

Long Long I actually couldn't tell you The girth of him. But Rudy Saw goes, oh, look at your little boy butt. Yeah, man, you do have a very typical boy butt. That's why you can wear size small underwear. They just don't fucking, those cheeks, they don't take up much space.

It is. I'm happy Marty saw my balls. It is. It is. I'm happy Marty's on my balls. Cold open. Cold open. I'm just happy. He had such a great reaction, too. Just a genuine great laughter. I made the attempt to cover him up, but those balls, man, they do what they want.

They got a life of their own, man. Yeah, man. That brain's got a brain. Bro, this weekend, I wore a slim tux to a wedding. Slim for who? And I had to put a ball down each leg because it was too tight. You had a camel toe? You gave yourself a camel toe with your ball sack?

Yep. Had a ball down each leg because it was too tight, and both balls down one leg was a little snug. Now, were you like – Why do you listen to this podcast? What? What are you gaining from this, you perverts? My piece and two balls.

It was so snug. Did you put your piece up? Huh? Did you put it up or down? No, I put my piece and one nut here and I got one nut there. It was – Did you go left or right was it's your left to the right it looks a piece to the left yeah naturally and it was it's fucking it was just like it was like two nuts and a dick couldn't fit down my left leg how high up do you wear your pants i wore i wear i

tucked pants away pretty high because like i like i wear a slim suit wedding because i have like i have to wear slim suits i'm way too small but like if you wear like a normal length your balls like your balls like he to be, like, he's got long balls. Bro, I have long balls. He has long balls. I'm trying to think. Josh, I don't think you're picking up what I'm putting down, man.

Picture a pair of long balls three inches longer. That seam would have to be, like, he's not wrong, though. I do understand his point. So it's a combination. He's got long balls, and those must be pretty high pants with a pretty high inseam. Yeah, yeah. You have to put your... Yeah, it was a perfect storm.

Your seams should be up into your piece, but I get it. But man, that must have been uncomfortable all night long. For the rest of the audience, the crowd. You're out there dancing, fucking shaking that ass, shaking those balls. I dance a lot. I was dancing my ass off. Oh, you didn't do your guitar move, did you? Were you like...

I did not do the guitar move. Yeah, no, you've been punching yourself Yeah, you would have been strumming your sack. What happened? I've been slapping my I will never forget the look on Kevin Hart's face when you did the guitar the white person guitar dance move. He was like, get out

of here. Like, get out of my face. He didn't like it. How was the wedding? The wedding was good. I have a few notes from it. First of all, women, speaking directly to you here, that's why I addressed you. The bridal suite is unfair, sexist, and bullshit. Okay, go off, King.

So I happen to be living in the bridal suite this weekend as it was my sister's wedding. 6 a.m. Flowers coming in. Absolutely. Fucking cookies. Fucking full brunch spreads cooked by catering companies. Everyone's got their own clothes. They got teams, literal teams of makeup

artists and hair stylists and all this shit and the men they tried to get me to put my tuxedo on at 8am and I was like I was gonna get pretty wrinkled by the time we started taking pictures they were like we didn't ask you questions get outside you fucking animal it was it is

we are second class citizens and it is it was unfortunate it is, we are second-class citizens. Absolutely. And it is, it was unfortunate. I ended up going to the groom's suite, just a bunch of dudes farting and watching Talladega Nights. I was going to say, usually the groom's suite is, like, a fucking, like, six-pack of Bud Light. Yep. And, like, a bunch of guys failing to tie their bow ties. Yeah. That's, like, the big, you the big moment for the groom at the wedding.

It was crazy. I was like, oh, you wanted to have your hair looking nice and an unwrinkled suit? What are you, fucking gay? Get outside. You're marrying a woman. No one's going to be looking at you, you bitch.

It's a fucking shit. It's so true. I feel like I'd like to look nice in the pictures. No one cares about you. End of the line. I was going to say, go on the end looking at you, you bitch. Yeah, no one gives a fucking shit. I was like, I don't know. It's so true. I feel like I'd like to look nice in the pictures. They're like, no one cares about you. End of the line. I was going to say, go on the end. We're chopping you out. Cut out.

It doesn't fucking matter. We're chopping you out, man. The second thing that happened that was, this was during the bridal suite before. Because I was told, it was 9 a.m. We were told to be, I was told to be dressed and at the groom's thing where the trolley was picking us up. So it was a be there at 9 a.m. So I had to get dressed at 8.

I put up quite a protest. Ended up staying. I was going to say. Spending quite some time at my own house. John has not gotten up at 8. I ended up getting there at 11.30 or 11. And yeah, yeah, no, I know. And guess what?

Didn't matter. Didn't affect anything. Perfectly on time for everything. Did not matter. Perfectly on time for everything. Did not matter. But so I walked into – when I was driving home from the rehearsal dinner, and I sent out a tweet that kind of told part of the story. When I was driving home from the rehearsal dinner Friday night, I had my brother, my sister, significant others, cousins in the car with me. And I was just like – the whole ride home, I was like,

man, if I just fucking flip this thing and we all die in a fiery car crash, I just wonder what happens tomorrow. Will anybody still go on? Who knows? So I come downstairs on Saturday morning and my baby little cousin,

one of the flower girls, goes, John Henley, I had a dream about you last night. Oh, God. I said, oh, yeah, what was it? He goes, you were so mean. It was a nightmare. You were so mean, and your mustache was turning white, and you were yelling at me.

And I was like, oh, my God, that's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. But, Mom, while we're on the subject, if I killed everyone in a car accident last night, would the wedding still be happening today? And one of the hairstylists just goes Jesus, you guys are dark. It's one thing to do that with the family.

It's another thing to do that in front of the children. And then it's another thing to do it in front of the strangers, man. That's inner circle talk, John. She just kind of like pulled me and she goes Jesus, you guys are dark. And my mom goes I was thinking the same thing she was like honestly last night I was thinking if you guys had died on a car accident on the way home by the way

I was stone sober um like would you like what would have happened and I was like that's amazing now my cousin down the other end of the table goes wait who died oh god and my sister's like look what you did look yeah no one died look he one died. Look, he's right here. He's right here. It's no big deal. And as I was still standing next to my mother, I took a deep breath and I went, or maybe it's still your nightmare. What did the kid do? To her credit, she was flustered for a second, and then she wore it pretty well. Even the little child knows you are a fucking idiot.

We got big laughs. Big laughs. I told her dad the story about an hour later. Big laughs there. It was amazing. Well, I like to see that we're just passing down the childhood trauma. Hey, listen, I was

molested, forced to watch porn, locked my babysitter in a basement, all that shit, so we're going to have to make sure you're nice and fucked up, too. Throw the hemisque in your face about night. Get out of this family alive! Jesus Christ. But then, last thing, during the ceremony, which I thought this was really beautiful The priest

He was He was talking about how If you want to know what real marriage is I forget exactly how he set it up Something along the lines of When couples ask about marriage He tells them, look to the crucifix And he took a pause.

And I was like, bro, are you talking about the tortured soul opting for death up there? Like, that is... The capital punishment? The death penalty by cruel and unusual means? That's what we're doing? Now, he tied it together a little nicely by saying, you know, it's someone who gave all for another

and for others, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And remember, he was also stabbed in the ribs with a fucking spear. You know, when your wife asks you to pick the kids up at school, it's a lot like a crown of thorns. Marriage, it's like being nailed to a wooden cross and left up there for days to asphyxiate. You ever had to carry the vehicle of your dreams? It's actually, you know what? He's not wrong. As I'm going through it, I'm like,

maybe he's onto something here. I'll let the death do you part. It's more like until fucking torture grinds you down. Until death do you part, until torture grinds the happiness out of your soul. Unbelievable. Look to the crucifix. And he almost had like a mic drop. Bam. Fuck. Yeah, that's what's up.

You guys know exactly what I mean, right? Catholicism is so fucking whacked. That person's being tortured. Shit is absolutely for the fucking birds dude. Let me tell you. Voicemail time. Voicemails today are brought to you by Mint Mobile. You know the deal.

It's the KFC radio. Barstool Sports hotline. Voicemail hotline. We've been doing this this phone number now for over, I think we're on year 12. No, nine. Huh? Nine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been here 12 with the KFC Radio. Yeah, so we'll be pushing a decade of KFC Radio with the voicemail hotline, which means it's got to be tens of thousands of phone calls from you guys. And all this time, you've probably been doing it from other service providers spending all of this unnecessary money all because you want to call the hotline and leave the voicemails and get on KC radio and you're paying hundreds of dollars a month to do it when in fact right now you can do it for $15 a month when you get mint mobile you get everything you need you'll be able to text people unlimitedly you'll be able to surf the internet go on if Facebook and Instagram

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right why don't you come on the podcast let's do some voicemail we just turned into uh fucking uh what's his name jamie kennedy in that show you know in that movie you know i'm talking about uh i i yes i do you know it's honestly the orange hoodie we talk about seven different characters yeah i know i know i first was thinking of of uh of him on can't hardly wait

but then i was thinking of the one where he's like the rapper in Bullworth or whatever. But that was why. Malibu's Most Wanted? Huh? Yes, Malibu's Most Wanted is one. Oh, I could also be Lil Kev. I'm on that voicemail.

Come on the bar, guys. Let's do some voicemails. Ryan Reynolds. What's up? I'm Lil Kev. So if Ryan Reynolds is doing it, and basically everybody else in the fucking world should be, $ bucks a month is so much cheaper than any service you have and like i said i've been going through and finding out all

this fraud and i've been auditing all these like random bills that i have to pay and trying to find out all the different ways to save money start right here you can chop your bill from like 150 down to 15 bucks literally 10 times less than your average network provider. 5G, all everything technologically up to date. Everything unlimited. Premium service all at mintmobile.com slash KFC. You can sign up, get everything shipped right to you for free. Can use the same phone.

Keep your contacts. All of that. Just switch over to mintmobile at mintmobile.com slash KFC and get it for just $15 a month. Yo, what's going on, KFC? Fight, Nick, Jack, everybody else there. So yesterday I was babysitting my six-month-old nephew, and when he fell asleep, I put yesterday's episode on TV.

Well, he woke up about halfway through, and for whatever reason, the kid was just locked in. He loved it. Apparently, KFC Radio is great for babies. I don't know if you guys knew that. So you guys kind of helped me babysit, which leads me to my question.

Of the KFC Radio team, who would be most and least qualified to babysit KFC's kids for them? This is an obvious no-brainer. So we're doing a whole team, a whole squad in here? Yeah. You are the most qualified.

Well, yeah, to babysit my kids, yeah. Babysit any kids. No, you said my kids. What? Oh, I missed that part. Okay, okay. So, yes, we're not counting you in the situation. I would hope not.

I would hope I'm number one here. Okay, so then number one, Nick. Probably. Yeah. I've, like, babysat kids. Oh, yeah, you've got a younger brother, too. I've babysat kids my entire life. Yeah, you're right.

Nick's just responsible, even if you didn't have him. Well, originally I was thinking, like, he's just the most responsible one, but then I forgot he's got a like significant younger brother so that means he was like old enough when they were like a baby and growing up so yeah nick nick is nick probably like could just maybe nick's you know what maybe nick's the number one maybe i'm not i think i draft nick number one i'm number two hopefully it's like a kevin durant situation where the number two pick ends up being the better of the choices. But right now, I think you gotta go with Nick. And then I think we got

a three-way tie between Pav, Zach, and Josh. And then I think we got a two-way tie between me and Jackie, bringing up the rear. You, first of all, you just said that you screamed into a child's face.

Yeah, yeah. I have screamed into zero children's faces. That alone might have her, you know, I've never once screamed in a deep voice, it's your nightmare. And it's still your nightmare. She loved it. It was great. She hasn't slept since, but. I mean, I feel like you're going to have to be my last pick, right?

Because you just fucking hate kids, right? I feel like Zach would, like, to be my last pick because you just fucking hate kids. I feel like Zach would throw my kids in the river. I feel like Zach would just make my kids disappear. Zach would raise your kids gay. That's the gay agenda, John. Yeah, exactly. Big gay has been pushing that for a while. Let me babysit your kids. You'd be gone for 20 minutes.

You'd come back, Keegan sleeping in Shay's room, Shay's in Keegan's room. I still think I'd be better. I don't like kids, but I think I'd still be better than Jackie. Jackie's catching fucking trap. You can barely keep track of yourself. No, I know, but like, if you were to tell me, like, my motherly instincts would kick in.

My woman, you know? That's gotta give me some kind of layup. Like I said, sexist. I got a pussy so I can take care of these things. And then also,'s got to give me some kind of sex. I got a pussy so I can take care of these things. And then also like, what about me? Other than the fact that I'm a little disgruntled. You drop everything.

Yeah. You do have butterfingers. Yeah. I'll just do those. Like those, like straps. Yeah. Like the baby. Yeah.

Yeah. Can't drop my kid. No Yeah. Like the baby. Baby Bjorns. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can't drop my kid there. I have three. There's a difference though between like you like I'm I'm like a personal mess, but I take care of my kids better than I take care of myself. Yeah. It's not always. But you have that biological coding.

They're your kids. They look like you. Yeah. Yeah. You guys don't fucking fuck about them. There's little your kids. They look like you. Yeah. Yeah, you guys don't fucking fuck about them. This little fucking kid. You just say you'd pick me after John? I mean, it's just because, like, John doesn't care.

I think you outwardly hate children. Well, I do. I dislike children. But they're also, like, first of all, I think your kids are adorable. Like, I've seen videos of kids. Yeah, but the moment my legs go down because of them you've you've exhausted your work i'm done with it i could just see that like the minute that like things go south and they're like crying and complaining you'd be like shut the fuck up dude i was i was at the rehearsal dinner friday night and the i had cousins i had two separate

cousins all none of them were even in high school. Some of them much younger. One group was like, can we have some champagne? I was like, yeah, sure. The other group asked if they could go play on the roof. And you said yes. I helped them. I was out on the deck.

And to be fair, the roof wasn't like, so you're on the deck. You could just kind of like... Yeah, there's a fence you gotta jump. You just gotta get over the waterfall and then go under the barbed wire. There's a double yellow line street you gotta cross and then you can get to the roof. You guys can't go very far, but like... Go ahead. Yeah, you're probably the last pick.

You're probably the last overall pick. Why are you asking me? You can do whatever you want. I might have to have Uncle Pabs be teaching him these dance moves. I mean, what was that? I never got to explain that. Yeah. But basically, that was just a little bit of bonus time.

I got home around like 6 a.m. from the city. My friend came to come pick me up. He was pissed off So I had to dance for him Cheer him up a little bit Was there any music playing? There was no music playing And I didn't even know that there was a camera

And my friend's mom just texted me She's like It was like a ring camera She's like what the fuck is this? Not bad Not bad for Bonusland 6am driveway dance move That is weird too I never grew up

In that generation Where like my friends Parents had my phone number Well we're really close It's like a second mom Yeah Alright so My fight

You know There's a mix up There's a mishmash In the middle But it's Nick number one Fights last place Jackie I think Jackie's

Probably better than People are giving her credit for I will think As long as you don't lose The kids like your wallet You know Or your keys Or your phone Jackie. I think Jackie's probably better than people are giving her credit for. As long as you don't lose the kids like your wallet, you know, or your keys or your phone or, you know, all the things you use. Yeah. What up, KFC Radio? I was just calling in.

I was thinking about a quick question for you guys. What is the funniest joke or scene in a comedy skit or TV show, movie, whatever it may be, that is such a basic joke, but it is so fucking funny every single time that it's just an instant classic. For me, I always think of The Office when Michael goes to New York, and he's like, here's my favorite pizza spot, and it's a Sbarro. So I want to get your guys' take. What is the most basic generic joke that's so obvious yet so fucking funny? That's a Sbarro. So I want to get your guys' take. What is the most basic generic joke that's so obvious yet so fucking funny?

That's a great question. I mean, for me, it's old school with the seatbelt. But that's almost, I don't even know if I can call it basic, but that's the funniest joke in the history of movies. But that is a good choice by him. That's a very funny... There's definitely some from sunny that i but i don't i don't know what they're necessarily specific you know i think that i don't think the savaro joke

is obvious i think it's become obvious because it's been used so much yeah but i like at the time i i'm gonna go get me a new york slice yeah i don't think that was like a standard. I mean, I know for a fact that wasn't a standard thing. Yeah. I think the mixer from Sunny. Oh, yeah. Which is a great one. But also, again, that's not obvious.

That's not like a... Everything. I don't think I'm going to agree with anything we say is obvious because we say really good jokes. Like my...

One of my favorite things in all of Sunny is Sweet D waking up going, is this America? But that's not... If I said that out loud, people wouldn be it's not like that's what she said we're like the whole world knows it you know the uh the fucking i i use that this weekend at the brunch like the wedding brunch on sunday so i was like my time on my little sister and they're like oh

look at she's back on lag again and i walked over to where she had gotten her orange juice. They were thinking it was mimosa. And I was like, oh, no, it's just straight mixer. Yeah. And I thought that was funny. And I was like, all right. Don't worry, I didn't try and steal that. I explained the scene.

But I would say my gut answers would be something. I'm thinking of things that are almost like kind of played out but still fun. Not played out, but like popular but still funny. Because that's kind of how I think of like basic where it's like – but yeah, it's funny for a fucking – it's popular for a reason. I would think the implication. That's something from Sonny you can say that everyone knows. I would think there's always money in the banana stand. That would be my answer. Any sort of Sonny Arrested reference, I think,

that always gets like a chuckle out of me or like a, yeah. Like anything, like Arrested being like, like the C word joke from Arrested is very funny. You know, what is it like? I told you to get the C word out of here. I'll go when I'm good and ready. Yeah, that that might be my favorite. That might be my favorite, like, line of dialogue joke in the history.

I'll leave when I'm good and ready. It's it's about as good as any. Like, do I have my one of my favorite ones with that is Tobias, which then was used later in the office. Basically the same joke by Ryan from the office. When Tobias said that, well, 9-11 certainly didn't help things with why they're not fucking. And then Ryan basically said the same joke to Kelly Kapoor. He said, I don't think I ever fully processed 9-11.

Did I tell you about my new joke I'm doing? Oh, boy, this is pretty good. My new bit I'm doing? We're doing a buffet of bits? Yeah. What's your new bit? It's real fun. People hate it. I'm doing oh you we're doing a buffet of bits yeah what's your new bit it's real fun people will hate it

I'm sure it's gonna be great is it as good as you just slobberly drinking fucking milkshakes I go I go I go come and go with that

I was off it for a while I might be back on again this week who knows but no I like to just say when someone says they're gonna do something

I just go oh I bet you are and then see that's the face everyone makes people But no, I like to just say when someone says they're going to do something, I just go, well, I bet you are. And then... See, that's the face everyone makes people. I hate it. No one has liked it once. Everything you say and do is like poison on my tongue. It is like poison in my tongue. It is like poison

in my body. You are repugnant, John. You are like truly repulsive. Like you repel other humans. That's how fucking awful you are. Last goddamn voice now. Hey, I'll be right back. I go to the bathroom. Oof, I bet you do.

Oh my god it's very reminiscent of Shane Gillis' everyone looks back like what the fuck I bet you do baby I bet you do alright wait hang on

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store.barstoolsports to get yours today last one today. Last one. What's up, Kevin? I'm just curious. What is the line for sex noises where you get to bang on your neighbor's wall in your apartment to be like, hey, shut up? Because it's currently two in the morning, and the person i share a wall with is currently vigorously masturbating i feel like if you know it's sex my line is like okay they get to keep going because like good for you yes but if you're just vigorously masturbating do i get to bang on the wall and be like hey shut up dude figure it out that is i don't know so funny that is so funny to think the visual and the and the audio to think that your neighbor is just laying in hisstasy when he's jerking himself off.

That's insane behavior. Anything other than like some weird like breathing and like a, uh. Anything other than that with masturbating is too fucking loud. If you can just hear your neighbor masturbating and they're a regular masturbator, time to move. Time to move. Time to grow up a little bit. Time to get some new walls time to do something if you can just hear what like noises ball slapping like skin sounds

and then he's grunting and shit just for masturbating paul verzi on his ati paul fucked up my whole life when he he he was like uh it was it was the masturbation question he was like i don't really like to jerk off because it makes me feel pathetic. There's something about pulling your pants down and keeping your sneakers on and just cranking it out. That's so fucking pathetic. Which I never got. People say that a lot. Never felt that.

Oh, when he, the way he like described it, where he's just like, you know, like my pants are around my ankles and I'm looking at myself and I'm making all these weird noises and I just, you know, just like, oh, this is just a disgusting display. And I kind of was thinking about if someone were ever to watch me jerk off, they would be absolutely appalled. And someone has. What? No, come on. You got that phone there. Someone's watching the faces. Someone's watching you Steve Belichick the whole thing.

That, that, and then, I mean, if you're making noise when you masturbate, as a guy, of course. Girls can put on a show, whatever. Girls, you can be as loud as you want.

Sex, I agree with this guy wholeheartedly. If your neighbors are having sex and they're making noise and you don't think of that as a goddamn gift to just enjoy

a little entertainment, you're a fucking loser. Just join right in. Start making your own noises. Then, you know what? The only time you can audibly masturbate is if you're joining in your loud neighbors. Now we're just having a threesome. Now I'm just up against the wall, and I'm enjoying your moans and groans and sounds, and you can hear mine.

Now we're just putting on a show. If they're being disturbingly loud, you just gotta jerk off and yell, First! Go back to the couch, turn the TV off. I'm already done. You guys can do whatever you want. I don't think any...

I think if you complain... The only way you can complain about neighbors having sex is if it's every night, and it's preposterously loud. Can I share a quick thought that I had? Sure. Jackie thoughts. Share them all, please. it's like every night and it's preposterously loud can i share a quick thought that i had sure jackie thoughts please um dicks are just cum funnels and i know that i bring up like funnels a lot this girl's got a funnel fetish no no no no i don't know why i bring up jack but can i no

can i just explain myself please Please do. Please do. Don't say, oh, God. Like, that's like... No, no. What the thing is, is we've... It's like... People have come to expect that from us. Yeah, it's like...

No, you almost... We're seeing the fruits of our labor. It's like, ah, this is the gift I give to this world. This is what it sounds like to you guys? No, no, no, no, no. But it's... When I explain it... Dicks should just come funnels.

Fucking... No, when I explain it to you guys, you're going to no, no, no. But it's, when I explain it. Dicks are just cum funnels. Fucking. No, when I explain it, you guys are going to be like, oh, like that makes sense. I think Jackie. I'm already with you. I'm going to be honest. I think I get it. No, no, no. That's like very self-explanatory.

And like, maybe it was just like, maybe I like had too much three-chee when I was thinking about this. But like, women obviously have eggs that need to be fertilized. Yeah. And so it's like, so you get the, you have to get the cum in. This is how babies are made. There is. I might just be explaining it, but like it really hit differently.

But it's like, it's just so funny because it's like, like, do you ever wonder like, why do I have to have this thing like dangling off me? You know, but then it's like, it serves a purpose. it's like literally a funnel yeah to get the cum well it's actually if anything the pussy yeah that sounds and the and the dick is the like the hose if you will no but you have to get it like out of you like you are storing it and then you have to like get it inside it's more like no but yes you're right but but what we do is we shoot it into a funnel that then puts it into it like the tiny little tubes that's more that's more like um like the beer like goggles or whatever yeah that's kind of like what a vagina or whatever like that is the vagina is like

literally shaped this is what it must have felt to be a fly on the wall and Jonah Salk's basement I just think I But I just think that's more like it sucks up. And then the dick is like it funnels in. I think I'm right on this. I mean, it's a whole system, that kind of old dick. Yeah, the whole system. But it's just funny when you think about it. It makes so much sense.

You know when you see the way they so much sense you know when like you know when you see like when they like the way they get sap out of a tree they just kind of like put that thing in and then like the sap comes out that's almost what the dick feels like it's like the dick gets hard he's like you put it in and it's like it's already a part of you but it feels like you just tap into your body and then the cum comes out and it goes into your pussy funnel and then there's the gay guys i don't know they just they got their own they got their own system where did this come from jackie we were talking about neighbors i know i know but then but then you were then i just thought about it and like when i say it now it doesn't hit as differently as like when i thought about it but like it's just so funny that like they're shaped

so like what's it called it's just it... The system is designed perfectly to get it out. There's just, like, a purpose. It's just like a funnel. This is going to deliver that cum to that vagina. Anyway, that's just my thought. Dicks are just fun... Dicks are just... I was going to say fun cunnels.

Fun cummels. Put that on a fucking t-shirt. All right, that's it. Hit us up on Twitter and let us know what... If you think dicks are cum funnels or any of the voicemails, you can answer us. But I don't know. I don't know.

I was going to say follow along and check us out on Instagram and all that shit, but can't because the world's coming to a fucking end. Suck a dick. Suck a cum funnel. Yeah, go to TikTok. I think Twitter's next, man. There's no way Twitter survives this shit.

They just posted a thing. They're like, we take care of the type of things. Yo think Twitter's next, man. There's no way Twitter survives this shit. They just posted a support thing. They're like, we take care of this type of thing. Yo, Twitter should be fucking, be like, this doesn't happen over here. This is like, Twitter right now should be like, Shug Knight. If you don't want a fucking social media app that's getting all hacked by the fucking DNS errors,

come on over to Twitter. Sometimes more people than usual use Twitter. We prepare for these moments, but today things didn't go exactly as planned. Some of you may have an issue seeing replies and DMs as a result. That has been fixed. Sorry about that. Like, fuck Instagram. Fuck Zuckerberg

just throwing their digital dick on the table. See you guys Thursday. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.