KFC Radio - We React to the Dave Portnoy and KMarko Sitdown FT. Bobby Lee and Ricky Velez

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Buy tickets to the live show here: https://concerts.livenation.com/event/00005B43C4E65ACC Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO Timecodes: 00:00 - Intro 00:33 - melatonin and overnight oats 04:49 - Sad Boy Season All-Time Speech 12:04 - Feits goes to a museum 26:30 - Wedding draft thoughts 45:48 - reactions to Dave and Kmarko talk 58:12 - ATI updates 01:01:09 - going through old Barstool blogs 01:07:29 - Buzzfeed list: what makes you attractive? 01:36:10 - AITA 01:47:35 - Video Voicemails 02:07:12 - Bobby Lee Interview 03:02:06 - Ricky Velez interview Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Would you like a word of this caramel, Kevin? How about one of those strawberries? That fucking... Alright, alright, alright. You know the strawberries I made? Dude, I can't believe we have to still do, like, multiple segments.

I want to get out of here. I could use one of those right now. I took a fucking melatonin before bed last night, the first time in my life. Oh, yeah? Were you recorded? Yeah. I was just falling asleep. Dude, melatonin is like as powerful as the strongest drugs on the market.

I feel like I fall in a K-hole when I'm on fucking melatonin. I feel like it's so powerful, I say that I'm on melatonin. I'm high off that melly, bro. It's literally the first time I'm on it. Sleep meds fuck with me. Even like NyQuil. I've taken NyQuil three times in my life. That shit just... NyQuil, I knew I didn't have anything to do

until later today, but if I had a regular day, if I had to be here at 10 a.m., 11 a.m., I wouldn't have taken it because I'd have been like, I don't know, sometimes that knocks me out until 3 p.m. Yeah, you get groggy and shit. yeah but no i mean like i mean no i'm

on conch i'm in bed you i mean you you you have when you're naturally sleeping you can't be awoken you've got something in your system that makes you drowsy forget about it i was literally just falling asleep at my desk yeah just now it was i for me benadryl will knock me out, and then I'm groggy as fuck. NyQuil will knock me out, and I have crazy dreams. And melatonin, right before, like, I do like melatonin, because before I go to sleep, I'm in, like, whoa, and then I'm out. I don't have a whoa, whoa phase. It's just bam. I fucking, last night, I took a melatonin, I ate an overnight oats bar, and then I fucking, I don't remember getting to the couch. When did we become 600 years old i had a melatonin overnight oats bar i don't even know what that is me well i've been eating i've been eating them before bed kevin because they're called overnight

oats apparently that's just the way you cook oats yeah no you don't eat them at night you so john can i just drop a hard R? That's deserving of a hard R. What are you talking about? No, it isn't. Bro. Dude, they're called overnight oats. There's no food that the packaging name determines when you eat them. Yes, there is.

It's slow-dissolving proteins. Casein protein. You have that in the morning or you have that at night. But it's not called... They don't call it morning or whatever. I just figured that they were making it easy for me. Overnight oats, you got to eat it at nighttime, you fucking moron. For like not weeks, like a week or so.

I got this box of overnight oats sent to me. I've been like – bro, I've been eating those under the covers. Like, all right, time to fall asleep now. I'm setting an alarm, waking up at 2 a.m. so I can eat my overnight oats bar. I don't think that's my fault at all. That's so funny that you're like, oh, man, it's 7 o'clock. I'd love to have a bar right now, but I can't until it's nighttime. It's overnight oats.

You can't touch these until the nighttime. I think that is perfectly logical. Can I get like a picture? I've never seen this before. I actually tweeted it today. Overnight oats. You've got to be kidding me. Were people like you a moron or are people agreeing with you?

I think it's 50-50. Overnight oats. I'll be honest. I wouldn't be like, oh, that's because they make oats overnight. I don't know what it would be. All I know is that packaging tells you when you're allowed to eat food, John. I've never heard of overnight oats. No, neither have I.

So I guess it's like a way you make oats. I don't know what the fuck that means but I thought overnight oats were fucking oh is that like slowly like it helped you in REM sleep and shit I thought being healthy for you sleep no not not bully I thought just like so it wasn't something that like your body was like fucking rehabbing that was yeah helped it yeah it turns out I was just fucking smashing 20 grams of carbs before I got in bed. Oh lord, that's funny. Man, that's stupid.

That's the stupidest thing you said since your dick was filled with piss. Both these things are logical. They make sense. One person replied to that tweet actually with like, I'd love to see The way your brain works I was like I don't know

It reads things like Overnight And assumes that They happen overnight It's a pretty Fucking fair way For a brain to work It's

Oh you ate things That say night on a midnight It's too logical It's like Yes I love your brain Because it's so It's so simple

Overnight I eat it at night time The thought of you being like I'm falling asleep One two three It's like, yes, I love your brain because it's so simple. Overnight, I eat it at nighttime. The thought of you being like, I'm falling asleep, one, two, three, bite and pass out at the same time. It was like it was under the covers. Dude, I also got to give it up to you. That, let's play the clip. The sad boy season announcement was the most impressive speech I think I've ever heard.

Why? It was flawless. Was that planned at all? In fact, walking out to my porch, I was like, she just Googled Twitter. She just Googled Twitter. Hell yeah. Why's that bad? Google searching Twitter?

Instead of just going to Twitter? You went to Google.com and then searched Twitter? In the images. That's because I was already in there. Jacqueline. I was already in. I don't understand. I know you don't.

I know you don't. Sorry. Yeah, get the girl a mic. It was... Walking to my porch, I was like, fuck, I'm so dumb for burning banana cigarette yesterday. I have nothing right now. Oh, no.

No, that was incredible. I thought, I was like, he might have wrote this. You didn't stutter, you didn't stammer, you didn, I thought, I was like, I don't know, he might have wrote this. Like, it was, you didn't stutter, you didn't stammer, you didn't um, you didn't like, and it just kept going. October 19th was 54 degrees. That means it's sad boy season. We made it through the summer. We made it through all our friends getting us to go to the Hamptons and go to the beach and take off your shirts. Nope.

Now it's time to put on shirts. Put on too many shirts. Put on all the fucking shirts you have because during sad boy season we layer up because fat doesn't matter. All that matters is that we get drunk in dark bars, drinking dark liquor, and then we get drunk on solitude because we do it alone. All that matters is that we listen to music made by mustachioed men who smoke unfiltered cigarettes and drink warm whiskey. And don't talk to their children. What?

All that matters is that these are the months where seasonal affective disorder and regular depression come together and form a storm. The likes of which we haven't seen since Thanos' sad boy season. Let's go. That's the best speech in Barstool history. You're reciting that like it's Herb Brooks' speech right now. It's heard in my head. What's crazy is not that many times it was just so, I mean, like, I will never forget it. I will never forget it.

Really? Who's the mustachioed man who drinks warm whiskey and doesn't talk to his kids? I was picturing Sam Elliott It's like The don't talk to your kids Is so fucking perfect And the Spagnosis

Stop And you're running out of breath The only reason I was doing that Is because I wanted to be yelling But I didn't want my neighbors To think I was even crazier Than they already think I am So I was trying to do

Like a whisper yell Dude I see some of the fact that I have a regular depression. There are like so many quotes. Like, we have to make a shirt that says fat doesn't matter. We gotta make a big boxy, almost like

one of those like, um, snuggie you know, those things that are popular now. It's like a blanket hoodie that says fat doesn't matter. Like, oh, you're in the hand. Take off your shirt now we're gonna put on your shirt put on all the shirts i mean it is i like this i was i was honestly legitimately very panicked i was like oh no what the fuck i'm gonna do it's because we were waiting on the best of your career we were waiting on the fucking the i was originally accessing i was like

i'm out of business i got nothing to go here And then we were waiting for the commercial we'd done. Dante was going to get his music and then just didn't make it. And until much, much later. And I was like, fuck, that's not ready to go. Okay, I got to do something. And I was just like, I don't know, just did that. But that's why it's like that's how you know that sad boy season is a thing. And you live it and you know it because it was like that was flawless.

Like there was no, you weren't like I need to have it because it was like that was flawless like there was no you weren't like i need to have something because you just like off the rip you just got you've got it all in you already because you've been living it because you've been living it you know it's like when you give like a sports rant about your team it's like i don't need to prepare because i've been like watching them my whole life yeah yeah but like some of some things i i wish you know as we i we focus so, like, promotion and trying to get good clips. And, like, sometimes I'm, like, I wish I had that, like, ranting in me where it's, like, you know, I do the one minute man things. But it's, like, takes and choppy.

But just, like, a flawless, like, one take. Spit it out. And it's, like, whoa. That's what that was. That was, like, Churchill. That was, like, Obama. That was, like, Hitler. That was Hitler at his prime rallying up the fucking proletariat or whatever the fuck he did.

That was something. That was incredible. And I mean, if it wasn't already selling after that, forget it. I told these guys, I want everybody to buy every single piece of Sad Boy merch except for those goddamn tote bags. And anybody who buys the tote bags, I want to strangle them to death with my bare hands. And I said that, and I look around the room, and all these motherfuckers were like, oh, no, I bought one already. I'm going to carry my groceries in, and I'm going to carry this, and I was like, well, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you.

Just so my mom told me this weekend because she's – oh, wait. Did I tell you about the museum I was this weekend? No, but tell me about it after I tell you about Napjitsu. Napjitsu, hell yeah. Because if you're struggling right now because maybe you took a little bit too much melly, maybe you hit that Benadryl too hard, maybe you took that NyQuil

to the head, you need Napjitsu, which is time-release caffeine to help give you energy throughout the day. So it's not like a cup of coffee where you drink it, you slam it, you've got the caffeine in you and you're all jittery because you took it all in at once. And it's not like a five-hour energy where you're drinking some – it's not like a little energy drink where you're drinking some gross, sugary, weird concoction.

This is nap jitsu. It is – it's natural and it's extended time release so that you don't have a crash. You don't, uh, you don't have a burst of it. You have a smooth, steady, uh, extra, you have smooth, steady, extra energy throughout the whole day. It's a healthier option to help you power through those lulls in the afternoon. Uh, and it's all natural, like I said. It's natural supplements made by people who know what's up. These are made by the people who are tired. Like a bunch of tired people who are smart got together and like, how can we fix this? And that's what they came up with using vitamins and guarana and ginseng and vitamin B.

And that gives you all the energy without the crash. It's packaged in small packets. You can take them on the go. Whenever you need them, you can take them. And it also will help you get deeper sleep and unlock that lasting energy because you have that smooth level throughout the day. You're not up and down, up and down.

Yeah, nap jitsu. I very much enjoy a nap jitsu. A little nap jitsu. It's a fun thing to say too. It is. I feel like, in fact, I feel more energized having said it. Say nap jitsu. I very much enjoy a nap jitsu. A little nap jitsu. It's a fun thing to say, too. It is. I feel like, in fact, I feel more energized having said it. Say nap jitsu. Nap jitsu.

It's like because they like to say salsa. Nap jitsu. And right now you can get 30% off your first purchase if you go to napjitsu.com slash KFC. That's nap, N-A-P, jitsu, J-I-T-S-U,.com slash KFC. Get 30% off your all-natural extended release caffeine at napjitsu.com slash KFC today. Museums, huh? Why did I bring this up? Don't know.

There's a reason. I said Sad Boy Season buying the tote bags. Oh, tote bags. Okay. So here it is. This is weird how this went. So I thought of my mom telling me this weekend about tote bags. You need to use a tote bag like 20,000 times in order for it to be. Like one plastic bag.

Like environment. Like to have overcome the environmentally. Get out of here. What it costs to make a tote bag. It's like 20,000 bags. It's something insane. Like 20,000 uses and then it starts being worth it. Having said that, buy it.

Who gives a fuck? We're all going to die. You're not doing it because the environment yeah it's cool yeah yeah if you're buying it because it's for the environment don't fucking buy it i don't want to fuck you but if you're buying it because it looks cool that's shit i like yeah um but anyway i was thinking about that my mom was talking about that as we were walking to a museum this weekend. Went to a couple museums. Went to the Frick Museum on the Upper East Side. Didn't care for it. And you know what? I didn't care for it because it's good art. It's like Renaissance art where it's like,

all right, it's just a fucking pretty good painting of a guy. Yeah. It's like, you know, like fucking Simon Bolivar. And he's like, yeah, all right, just like a guy. What would you prefer? I prefer like some fucking weird shit. Like what's like, yeah. I was just like, this is the guy. What would you prefer? I prefer some fucking weird shit. Like what's it called? Abstract?

Not like abstract, abstract, where it's like this red line on a white backboard. It's this. But just something that's a little funky. Yeah. More modern art. You know what I really like? Too modern. Did you see Mac Miller's new album?

No. It's a yellow background. I shouldn't say that. It's just like a new collection of music. I like that. Yeah, that's not a yellow background i shouldn't say that it's uh it's just like a you know new collection of music like that i like that yeah that's cool that i mean that's that's that's like abstract yeah yeah but like uh uh for first thing like an album cover i would if this went for 40 million dollars i would kill somebody right but just like a collection of things and colors and all that kind of shit i think that i think that's pretty cool um the the yeah and it

was like there's some cool sculptures there and shit like that. Everything there looked like some shit they moved out of my grandparents' house. How about this? You know what Zuckerberg's planning? Completely renaming Facebook? Well, no. That's a clickbait headline.

They're renaming like the parent company. Yeah. Okay. They're not changing like the website. The website and the app are still going to be called Facebook. You know, Google is technically called Alphabet. It's in an effort to separate them from those scandals. I'm sure it's also an effort to make the government not break them up.

Definitely. We're already breaking up everything. We're a couple different companies here. He's coming up with the Metaverse. Oh, I saw this. I didn't read that. He's saying he's going to replace art. We're going to replace sculptures. We're going to replace sculptures.

We're going to replace everything. Because you're not going to have to need those things anymore. You're going to put on goggles and just see them. So it's like you don't need to have a picture on the wall because you're just going to have a picture on the wall programmed into your fucking AR goggles. Which is like, well, then where do we... You don't need clothes.

You can walk around naked because they're going to project clothes onto you and you don't need TV because you don't need to – like, you know what I mean? It's like, well, if we're just going to get – like, Zuckerberg is saying he's going to replace things. Stuff. And then in the year 2025, we got rid of stuff. Like, that is – Like, I'm a – dude, I'm a fucking boomer in that sense like i gotta touch

it like i buy books i read books yeah and i like shit yo i subscribe to the new yorker the fucking print i just know the fucking needs you're will bond i need the ink on my hand yeah paper okay send me the magazine i'm not gonna i want to scroll on my phone i really don't i don't like it i i obviously scroll on twitter and stuff like that, but if I'm reading something longer, I'd definitely rather have it. What if Twitter was in a book? It is, right? It's all the Library of Congress, all our tweets. Oh, yeah? I believe so.

I know. Imagine getting canceled because somebody went to the Library of Congress. I mean, I don't think it's printed out, but I think it's I think they're all stored on a hard drive. Or maybe that's just the president. I forget. I know that you can get books made with people – like 100 tweets for people.

Oh, really? Yeah, like the last 100 tweets, which I would love as a gift for myself. I'm going to get that for myself. Just imagine someone at a coffee table being like, KFC's tweets, flipping through a hard... I'd kill myself if I was Jewish. What? Hondos? What?

I think that's some of my finest work. Put that into a nice mahogany brown leather book. But speaking of Jews, the other museum we went to Was the worst museum The other museum was fine

It was art that I don't really like But it was whatever You know I kind of scrolled down My dad loved the floors there Motherfuckers in a room With a million dollars of art Millions of dollars of art

What was the floor? Regular stone ass floor Like linoleum? He's like It was a nice ass floor That is some shit that like I don't know Your dad has probably like Renovated that newum? He's like, it's a nice ass floor, huh? That is some shit that like, I don't know, your dad has probably like,

renovated that new house and there's always like, looked at it. No, he, dude, he's not like a guy like that. He fucking likes art more. He liked the art a lot too.

But like, a couple times, it's a pretty good floor. Okay. Yeah, it's a nice floor. But the other museum we went to, and I was actually talking

to Kelly Keys about it today, because I told her I went to a museum on the Lower East Side, and she goes, oh no, don't tell me it's, and I finished the museum, I was like, went to a museum on the Lower East Side and she goes, oh no, don't tell me it's, and I finished the museum, I was like,

it's a tenement museum. Oh, yeah, yeah, you talked about this, yeah. I did talk about this? You talked about it to,

we were, I think in an interview, right? Or no, did we, you definitely, I definitely know you went to a tenement.

I think it was during an interview. Sounds familiar. Cause I, cause um, It's been a long time. Cause I remember saying like you just went

to a fucking museum for like apartments. Yeah, it was just families. Yeah. Like, they were explaining, like, what kids did. Yeah. Did I do all that? No.

Yeah, you did. Now that you bring it up. Whatever. That's fine. But this motherfucker. You'll hear this story. This motherfucker goes to a couple museums and all of a sudden starts matching his mustache to his fucking velvet shirt.

What are you talking about? This is a brown shirt. Yeah, so is your mustache. My mustache is red. I'm a tall as red. Got him. Yeah, all right. Red mustache I always said was red.

No, your mustache is more – it's – I mean it's definitely, yeah, like ginger, but it's definitely got like a – it's close to that color. Are you getting water caught in that mustache? I got water splashed up my nose. That shirt is a statement. They say it's fucking nice, right? It's velour? Velour, yeah.

Velour. I got it in seafoam, too. Right. That's what it was. I said, once you have a seafoam velour shirt, you are just a homosexual man. When you tell people. He said, Chris the 7-0 was in. He goes, I've got a seafoam

velour shirt. He said, yeah, thanks for getting seafoam too. That looks like a shirt. I'd get this in every color if they, I just didn't like any of the other colors. It's an awesome shirt. I feel like it looks like it's going to be 800 degrees, but then when I touched it, it's actually pretty light. Yeah, I wore this on my museum walk the other day, where they taught

me what someone did with bricks during a riot. That was another thing. Throw them at people? They threw them through windows. Yeah. It was like, grab an object, put it under this thing, and we'll tell you what they did. I was like, just took a brick, because it was basically all bricks. That's all you could have.

It was just bricks. They had bricks and coin purses. They kept money in that one. What a shitty museum. You've got to be ballsy to make a shitty museum. You make it, you know, the Louvre, like, fine. This is a piece of, you know, these museums become a piece of art themselves. To make a shitty museum.

How do those even exist? It's an all-time racket. It's an all-time. It's got to be a drug front or something, right? Because it's got to be a big place. No, because I think it's all fucking subsidized by the government. Yeah, it's all, like, protected fucking artsy things. I want to see what a ticket costs. we were there for about 45 minutes and I wonder

how much money they made while spending zero dollars. 30 bucks. So 90 bucks for nothing. But we did instead of that, which I wanted to do with my mom, I wanted to go and fucking film a video of her telling her to buy tickets at Gramercy Theater, and we did that instead. You got that? No, I didn't get that. Oh, fuck. That would be great.

She wanted to do that. I wanted to go see Gramercy Theater. Gramercy Theater, Friday, November 12th. It's 6.30 p.m. So basically, if you're a Friday Night Pints fan, you can come through and do Friday Night Pints with us. We'll be on stage. The whole KFC Radio gang will be there.

We'll have some drinks. We'll kind of kick. The whole KFC Radio gang will be there. We'll have some drinks. We'll kind of kick off the night and the comedy festival for the weekend. So we'll be live on stage. We're going to have hopefully some opening spectacle, if you will. Yeah. I've had to DM some

weird fucking people. And what's our feedback thus far? I'm still waiting on the one guy. I've emailed him, I've DM'd him, and then the couple I'm waiting to hear back from. I basically, talking to an agent who's in contact with the theater, I was like, you know, what are the rules here?

And he was like, no nudity. And I was like, what about gunplay? Violence, light violence, sexual behavior. So we're hoping that when you come and as you're sitting down and as we open things up that there's a full-blown circus to watch, maybe some special guests. But it's always a good time. We're going to get some crowd interaction going.

I'm describing it as the Red band version of KFC Radio. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Because there's some stuff that we have been told we can't put out. We did that last episode. It's happened again. When you see KFC Radio is usually rated R. This is like the NC-17 version where it's like these are the cancelable things and the things that are really offensive.

And we won't take your phone. Yeah, you can film it and put it out there. You can post it if you want. I don't care. Tag us. That's so true. That's so true. It's like, we'll only do this here because there's no way to get out to the public.

Idiots. That will give a shit. Fucking film the whole goddamn fucking thing. I don't care at all. Just buy a fucking ticket. So if you want to get tickets, anywhere that you can click, if you're on YouTube in the description of the video, if you are on YouTube in the description of the video, if you are on our Instagram page, it's the link in bio.

If you're on our Twitter, it's any of the links we're putting out. It's everywhere. If you're on the internet, it's Google KFC Radio. Comedy Festival, Gramercy Theater. It's easy to find. It's going to be awesome. We're going to have drinks afterwards. It's going to be a bunch of stuff.

We'll go across the bar. So bring your friends. Tell your friends. Come on out. I want going to be – Yeah, we'll go across the street to the bar. So bring your friends. Tell your friends. Come on out. I want everyone to bring – this is a challenge actually. I would like 10 people to bring 10 people. You can all be individuals. But I would like 10 separate people there at least who have no idea what KC Radio is.

Because every time we've had that happen, people are like, you have an instant fan. I'm actually stunned. Every time we have a, literally every time, and because we've done live shows years ago, we never did it consistently, but whenever they happen, from five, six years ago until today, every time there's a new person in the crowd

who doesn't know KFC Radio, we usually find out, we kind of single them out, and then afterwards they're like, that was great and I'm now a fan, which surprises me. Me too. Because I feel like we're an acquired taste. It's 100,000%. But also not an acquired taste because I've known me for 33 years and I don't care for

it. Yeah. I have flashes of like, that's a pretty cool guy. Right. And that's what happens on stage. Yeah. guy right and that's what happens on stage yeah and i feel like um i would also love the kfc radio live shows to become like little mini kfc radio cons where it's like it's almost a meetup i want people to meet each other and like fuck each other i want people to date each other i want like

friends to be made i want people to play am i the asshole and answer the internet with each other like yes you're coming to see us but i would love it more to be like we all come together and it's like you know you have something in common you know right so people you know everyone's always like it's hard to find new friends in a new city when i move here or how do you make friends as an adult like here you go you know we all got this shit in common so like come on out you can we're gonna ask some questions we're gonna talk some shit uh and it's just more of like like, a hangout than it is anything. And if you bring someone who doesn't know what KC Radio is, DM us.

You're going to be there. Free merch. And we will. Sure. I was going to say we're just going to talk to that person. Oh, definitely. During the show. Yeah, we'll give you free merch, too.

If you bring somebody, you know, and if you don't want to be involved. I know some people don't like that. You don't have to be involved. But if you want to, you know, be in the show and point it out, we'll gladly talk to you and them. But, yeah, I'll also throw you some new merch. We've got Sad Boy Season now. What's up? I just put it in the socks game.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I just got word in the Facebook group. Joe, the caller married to the gay man married to his wife, is going to be there. Oh! So that even – DM him back right away. No, yeah. He posted on our KFC radio like Facebook.

Yeah. Joe will be a part of the show. You know, stuff like that. If you've done – I kind of want him to find out right now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's fine.

Joe, you're going to be on stage at the show. Yeah. You can wear a mask or whatever. We probably – I think he's pretty out. Yeah. I think you are. I think –

But like I meant that as in like the Frankenstein style. Yeah, to be like a big daddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to see me. Right, right, right. This isn't happening. Yeah. But the –

Sit with your back to the crowd. Just talk to us. It's just me and you having a conversation. Don't worry. Yeah, I mean like a guy like Joe, if you've been in any of the video voicemails, I mean that dude Jordan who was so high that he thought you could come with piss, he was so proud to be called the dumbest voicemail ever. If he wants to come through, you'll be a part of the show.

If somehow, someway the Milk Girls can fly across the country. I feel like they were on the West Coast for some reason. No, they're Boston. Oh, yeah? They're Boston? I think it was maybe the Red Hat. I figured Wisconsin. Milk Girls.

The Red Hat and just the idea of funneling milk nonstop. Like they're drinking unpasteurized milk straight from the cow in Wisconsin. If the Milk Girls want to come down, I promise you we'll show you a good time and put you on stage and all that shit. So anybody who's been a part of the show or whatever you want to call it throughout the years, that's what I would really love to foster and create at KFC Radio Live. Because that's, you know, that's like the difference in our show.

It's like, you know, we're not like stand-up comics. We're going to put on a good show, but it's really much more about like the voicemails and talking directly to the fans and all that kind of shit. So anybody, if you'd love to be a part of the show, we'd love to have you. So Friday, November 12th, 6.30 show. It's early because we're part of the comedy festival, and they've got to get multiple shows in during the night.

So, it'll be more like a happy hour. 6.30 is not bad. No, usually we'd be on stage at 7, so it's just like a little bit earlier. So, New York Comedy Festival, KFC Radio, November 12th, 6.30. Come through. Come see us. A few things that we got to, I want to take care of, kind of like around the Barstool Network. A lot of it coming out of the Chicago

dog walk and draft and all that shit. They did the wedding draft which was like one song, one food, one dance, one good thing, one bad thing. You know how they do it. And obviously the

song, the music was a big part of it. And obviously the song, the music was a big part of it. I mean it was – through the powers of deduction, I've learned – I believe it was Cons was team one. And it is like Cons – it is the – I look at all the dog walk drafts. It is like Cons got to pick every single one. Everything in order, really. I've never seen it as –'s got to pick everything in order. I've never seen it. He got the best pick in every single category. So let's see.

Team one. Number one, Shout. That's best song. Yes. Number two for best hors d'oeuvre is Crab Cake. I would have gone Beef Wellington there, but Crab Cake is a solid choice as well Veteran move

Tipping the bartender early That is the Fantastic That move Worst thing Wedding entrances The worst thing And last thing

Is Best tradition The planned after party Yeah like the rented bar Or something like that Which I don't know If I would call that a tradition But that's just a great move

Yeah I think that's a little bit We're a little loose on the idea of tradition. I feel like tradition is like throwing the fucking bouquet. That stinks. I honestly don't know if I've ever been to a wedding where they did that. Yeah, he dominated.

If that is, that's him. He replied to me. I said it looks like Team 1 did my move where they just walk in with only first rounders. And Kahn replied, if that dude's having a wedding it's one I'd want to be at. Got it. So the other It looks like Team 1 did my move where they just walk in with only first rounders. And cons applied. If that dude's having a wedding, it's one I'd want to be at. Got it. So that makes sense.

So the other songs. Also, I saw a lot of people saying he might have just shot himself in the foot with that. With his own wedding? Yeah. Well, no, because admitting that it's him. Oh, they're not going to vote for him? Oh, because you're not going to vote for him? No, no, no. They ban people for that shit.

If you tell people, like, this is mine, vote for me. I think with cons it works backwards. I think he's costing himself votes. Yeah, he's not going to win. He is no longer going to win, but he can be like, I want this shit. I think it's such a blowout he'll still win, but I think cons outing himself would cost himself votes. It absolutely would.

Same thing with me. If I ever told people that it was me, I would lose votes. So the songs were In Order, the number one overall pick, Shout, the number five overall pick, Living on a Prayer. Then you skip all the way to 10. Then the 12th pick, I Want to Dance with Somebody. And then much, much later, I Don't Want to Go Home. That's Chief because Chief blotted it, which also is outing himself. Chief blotted that earlier in the day. What is I Don't Want Go Home. Which, that's Chief, because Chief blogged it. Which also is outing himself.

Like, Chief blogged that earlier in the day. What is I Don't Wanna Go Home? It's a song I hadn't heard of either. And he says in the blog most people haven't heard of it. It's a very good song. That's a bad pick. It's a very, yeah. I think that was his last pick, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so I think that's a pick you kind of tell, one of those ones where you want to tell a story. Because this is a cool story. It's like they play the last song at all his family weddings. But it's a cool story. They play the last song at all his family weddings. Just enjoy that. But it's a good song. And the very last pick for song was At Last by Etta James, I think it is.

At last my man has come home. Right? Is that the song? I honestly don't. The only wedding song I would ever be able to name is Shout. Other than that, I don't think there's a wedding. Shout is the number one overall wedding song. Period.

Stop. That's it. And you're right. That's one overall wedding song. Period. Stop. That's it. And you're right. That's the only wedding song. There's other songs that are good to play at a wedding, but wedding song. My question to you is this, too. Was that considered – it was always a hit, right? Yeah. But Wedding Crashers put that into another gear?

Probably. It probably was already happening, and then they did it, and then it became a thing. Clem has a very funny blog. Clem missed Shout at his own wedding. He was in the bathroom. I was just taking pictures. No, he said he was taking a piss. Oh, I think he said one time, like, it's me.

Here's a picture of me, like, hearing Shout come on. Yeah, no. So he was leaving the bathroom. He made it back to the dance floor, and they were like, Shout. Because he made it back to the tail end. And people were like, Shout. Because he made it back to the tail end. And people were like, come on. And it was like, it's too late. And there's a picture of him, a gif of him, in an incredibly oversized suit, tux.

I don't know. I mean, he didn't even come close to getting that thing tailored. Just going like, oh my god. And apparently Shout's like a really big deal to him and his family. So I don't know. If that doesn't summarize life as the groom at your wedding, like nobody would ever do something without the bride like a big moment like that they were just like we'll do

the biggest moment of all without the groom i don't know where is he who cares fucking a did the my my sister's wedding uh recently they they did a little bit like now they did towards the end of the night i think that is the best time to do it i think that that's an argument as well things we need to do. Yes. A couple of debates here to have. It was like it kind of started off the last third. It kind of kicked off the last run of the night.

But we started dancing right away, and we never stopped. And so it came on the last third. You've been dancing for two hours, two and a half hours. We've been dancing for a long-ass time. And he did a little bit. He did that twice. So you had to go down that second

that second time bro I was like I got like this low I'm not getting any there are times if I get low I'm not coming back up the first time

I was fucking mopping the floor with my ass because I had sprayed beer everywhere but the what do you fucking start doing

okay so that's so Shout is the number one song. It's the only true wedding song in my mind. And there was first a debate that Chief said you should lead off with Shout to get everyone going. This is a guy who doesn't know how to get a party started. This is Wallflower Ed. Doesn't appreciate people getting up on the dance floor early and often.

I want people out there. I want people feeling good. Shout gets that done. It's like going with your ace in the first game. I mean, that's so wrong on so many levels, and everything you just said is why. You empty the tank, and you do things like you spray beer, you throw people in the air, you rip your shirt off, you take your tie off. And then if you do that at the beginning, like, the dance floor is a wreck.

You're a sweaty mess. You haven't eaten dinner yet. Right. I mean, like, the dance floor is a wreck. You're a sweaty mess. You haven't eaten dinner yet. Right. I mean, I understand the idea of coming in hot. But you do that with another song. You know? I think what you got to do, I don't even think it's the last third. I think it's, like, the third to last song.

I think you maybe have, like, a slower song or maybe something sentimental to you. But I think it's like – you know how the penultimate episode of TV is often the best one before the finale? That's what Shout should be. See, but that's kind of – because the song is so brief. That's kind of what it is. I'm not exactly my science of last third, but it is. How much time do you think should be after Shout? 15, 20 minutes.

I was going to say 10 to 15. So, yeah, same idea. Probably more like 10 because I you think should be after Shout? 15, 20 minutes. I was going to say 10 to 15. So, yeah, same idea. Probably more like 10 because I think it should be – if Shout ends and it's like get the fuck out because the open bar is over and our time at the venue is over and all that kind of shit, that's not good either. You want to be able to like almost laugh and talk about Shout a little bit, get one more drink, whatever. So you play a couple more songs after that.

But it's got to be the end. It's the grand finale. It's the, like, we might break some shit. You know, like, you can't get – Again, I did mine as Spray of Beer. And guess what? That makes the dance floor really slippery. Right.

You can't do that shit early. People started falling, like old people started falling. Right. Right away. And my dad, Mr. Insurance, was like, what happened here? And I was like, I don't know. Couldn't be me. You want people to, you know, it takes people a little while to dance.

Like, you can't do shout sober and tight. You got to dance, loosen up. So it comes at the end, no doubt. That's the first debate to be had. The second debate also from Chief is that no wedding band, only wedding DJ. This is more lunacy. I can't even begin. Actually, could you pull up his blog?

I guess people said his blog made more sense. No, no, no. There's only one argument. I don't care. The only thing he can say that has any merit is that sometimes a band can't play a song. Now, let me qualify here. You have to have a good band. Yeah, right. Like, yes, shitty bands are a problem.

And the DJ is always going to be... You can also have a shitty DJ, by the way. Oh. That's a problem, too. So, you know, mostly exclusively they are bad usually. Exclusively bad. Right. If you're a wedding DJ – You're pretty fucking bad.

Yeah. That is – Think about just any other time you want to enjoy music. Like when you go to – people used to make fun of the Blackout Tour and Dante being like, it's just a laptop that you press play. Because when you go to like a concert, you want to see like a show and like you watch them perform and all that. And that's what makes it awesome. You get a little taste of that at your fucking wedding.

That is what is great about it. Like anybody can just DJ, but you want to have like – and again, it has to be – I don't think anybody can – anybody can wedding DJ. Anybody can want to have like, and again, it has to be I don't think anybody can DJ, anybody can wedding DJ Anybody can play years ago, but I'm saying again, it has to be good where you want to have the guy who like, like my guy was like walking out through the crowd at one point hyping it up and making jokes

and all that shit, you know? Before Shout, they like, this guy like had my sister like redo the vows with her husband, and it was like he's like, and now you take your beloved's hand. Right. We were like, we should have fucking canceled church. We're all.

Testify. Yeah, we all fucking renounced Catholicism. This guy's our guy. It was fucking unbelievable. A band can provide electricity, feed off electricity. A DJ, I don't A wedding DJ Yes you go to

Fucking Lollapalooza Sure You see a real good DJ You're doing like blends And mixes and shit Right But this guy You know you have to pick

The right songs In the right order And all that shit There's a science to it But a band Is like gonna provide Your own unique twist to it And it's gonna be a spectacle

Now let's read Wedding bands stink Even when they're Alright I mean Wedding bands stink Even when they're great I mean mean. Wedding bands stink even when they're great. I mean listen. I don't want to you know I don't know what you know

what people's budgets are. I don't know what kind of weddings people have been to. Like we emptied the fucking tank on my wedding band. It was very expensive. She had like the lead singer had like radio hits. She was like a real singer. And it was fucking incredible. Playing songs that sound exactly like this.

He was saying nobody can sing like Whitney. And it was like, well, this girl came pretty fucking damn close. Dude, I'm fucking six, seven beers deep just ripping up a floor. I'm not like, I don't know. That doesn't sound like Whitney Houston up there. As long as it's a good singer, I'm good. It doesn't matter. And if you get some people with horns and trombones and shit, it's like a whole fucking experience.

Let's see what he's saying though. You know, wedding bands play. Yeah, like you said, dental hygienist. Well, no. You hire a wedding band. Yeah, don't have a shitty. Yo, we went to. I have my fucking aunt come sing.

You hire a wedding band. Auditions. We went to like a spot in the city where other couples were, and it was in a studio, and all these bands played. It was honestly, it felt like Taken. It really did feel like Taken, and you're bidding on the virgins. The Isley Brothers and Lou Bega. I'll admit there's a certain panache to a wedding with a live band.

Yeah, exactly. It's way fancier. It's classier. It's cooler. It's like when you go to a rap concert and people are like, oh, it's like there's not much to see. You go to a rock concert

and you see them all playing live instruments. It's a fucking thing. I'm not seeing anything in this blog that makes it better in theory than in practice. I just think, unfortunately, Chief has not been to a good wedding band. Is this the whole blog right here? Rico confirmed that live bands can't pay levels.

Yeah, that's the whole blog? Like, someone said, oh, this is the problem with the goddamn fucking internet. I saw Chief quote tweet one person who said, we read the blog, you changed my mind. No, Chief, that argument stinks. I bet you, by the way, a live version of levels,

you can do in a way. Like, I bet you you can get a guitar riff going and you can do it, and it's like I bet you you can get a guitar riff going and you can do it and it's like then it becomes fucking awesome. That's the point is when you do do things like that, like when all the sudden, like, Get Low is played by a band, it's like

oh what? They're doing like something that shouldn't be on the guitar and in a live band that is and then it becomes fucking awesome. You can do levels of the fucking band. Also, bands take breaks. That's when you play the songs that your bands can't play. Right. Sure. Band takes a little break for fucking desserts.

I saw them have a little cup of coffee. It is... I've been to weddings with DJs. I've been to weddings with bands. It is so clear, so far and away, band, that I don't even really know. I don't even think I presented an argument here. I know.

It's just clearly banned. The chief is saying a couple of dumb things that we have to argue here. It's just banned or better. That led to the third argument because Eddie brought this up on his other show, the Dave Portnoy Show, and Dave was talking about other songs. I have, like, black knuckles. What is that? There's, like, some. I have like black knuckles. What is that? Like some weird black shit on my knuckles.

Dave Portnoy is someone who I almost like exclusively disagree with, right? Not because I want to or like I'm trying to. It's just like everything that man has ever said and thought. I am always like, I don't think that. We are just polar opposites in every way. Diametrically opposed. He said Shout is the number one song. So we agree there.

He said that the other contender, a song that you could make an argument, is bigger and better than Shout at a wedding. Is We Are Family. It is – I – I don't think I've ever heard it played at a wedding. It definitely wasn't played at my sister's wedding, which is like – I keep bringing that up. It was like two weeks ago. I'm not referring to a wedding from like six years ago.

It's the wedding I just went to. I've known many weddings where that's on the Do Not Play list. I would guess it was on the Do Not Play list. I think the We Are Family is up there with the electric slide where it's like, don't play that shit. It's going to ruin the vibe. We Are Family.

That's like the Toyotathon commercial. You know what I mean? If you didn't say it in that tone i don't know if i know what the we are family song is right but you know the we are family song oh yeah that right i don't i don't think it's it doesn't it's not fast-paced no it's not loud dave was saying don't you get it it's like the families are coming together it's like yeah i get it but it's just a shitty song but But also, they're not. Right, right.

Also, they kind of play 80s. I'll see those people three more times the rest of my life. The grandparents are meeting each other. They're never going

to fucking see each other. And it's not, it's just, at the end of the day, it's just not a good song to dance to and party to. I don't think it's a good song, period.

No. We are family. Is it my brothers or my sisters and me? Yeah, no, it's a terrible song. Who is it? I don't know. Can you name the band? If you can't name the band, no, it's a terrible song. Who is it? I don't know. Can you name the band?

If you can't name the band, it's probably not a great song. There's another one, Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Celebration. No. I hate that. Yeah. I hate that. I hate the electric slide.

I hate YMCA. I hate Cotton Eye Joe. I hate YMCA. I hate most of those. What I do like, Shout is like a staple that is a thing that I obviously love. I do like a little Cha-Cha Slide, a little Cupid Shuffle. I can get down with those as far as gimmicky things. I think Shout is the only one of those I find bearable.

I can't do Cupid Slide. I think of like the cliche songs. If you told me you don't want to have any gimmicks, I'd be like, cool, bet. But if you don't want – if you want some of those – because I do understand that it's like you do have to have some songs for like your aunt and uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't all be like new rap songs and shit. So like those are the more tolerable ones I think. The wobble maybe. I don't know.

That's not a popular one. But some of these things that are dances that can get a little like corny but also like everybody can do them because there's steps to them. We Are Family is... You can't try to tell me that a song can A, touch, shout, and B, be like a top contender if it's also on a do not playlist for a lot of people.

Those two things, that Venn diagram doesn't intersect. And he was so adamant about it. I was like, this is a freezing cold take. He was like, this is a freezing cold take. He said, were people furious? He was like, I don't think one person mentioned it. I can't imagine being like, yeah, we are – like, dude, We Are Family. Come back to the bar.

We Are Family is on. No, no, no, no. I can't have that. I haven't been to a ton of weddings, but I don't have a memory of We Are Family being played at any of them. Now I'll tell you something. Two songs that I think are modern classics. One pretty obvious. One I think is a little deeper cut that I think is going to be played for years and years to come.

Mr. Brightside is a big time, at least white people, wedding banger. For sure. Also think Walk the Moon Shut Up and Dance with Me. Oh, that's a great wedding song. That one, I was trying to think of other songs that burned it down. Burned it down. The last wedding I

was at, I think those were back to back or very close to each other. And it was like, whoa, this can go toe to toe with the shout vibe because it was like, and again, it's white people dance type shit. But it is a spectacle when those songs come on. And Mr. Brightside is obviously like a smash hit. But Walk the Moon is one that I think is a little like under the radar

that really gets it going. That one – this one I am not putting on that level. I want to be very clear about that. It is not – it is definitely though Shout. It is definitely not. Those two, which I agree with you, are a little more modern. Yeah. Working their way in.

Shallow don't miss. Shallow? Shallow don't miss. Shallow was the one that kicked off our dance. It was like before dinner. Really? People danced into it? Because it starts just a little slow.

It's not intimidating. Wait. Shallow from? From the movie A Star Is Born yeah yeah isn't that like a sad song people didn't rush

to dance to something like that but a lot of people went out there kind of like bopping around yeah you do have to ease into it but then it's like it picks up

at the end of that song it's like in the shower that's a good sing along song yeah yeah yeah so it kind of like worked people in it invites

it's like a free candy on the side of a van. It's inviting. And then once it gets going, it's chaotic. And then next thing you know, your clothes are off. But yeah, I think we can lay to rest the debates. There was no debate on any of these. They're all like three.

Like, no, no, no. Yeah. Not, no. There's no debate. Yeah. these. They're all like three. No, no, no. I don't think we had a single debate. We just kept going, yeah, this is the right answer. And it's not just the two of us. Does anyone in here disagree with any of us? I think we just found

the two people on the planet Earth who had a couple really wrong wedding opinions and happened to be on a platform. Even the Snapchatchat guys like Steve and John they were like what did you guys and I always put my

microphone back on so I thought they were asking for the video not I just wanted to talk about it yeah yeah well there is something I do want to debate

about it but just there's nothing to be had yeah also what was interesting there was some serious shit on the Dave Portnoy show K Marco sat down

with Dave for his like first appearance on a podcast or a video or anything in, like, a year now, and a lot of people were asking, like, for my opinion on it. I mean, what went down with Keith was a weird thing for, like, the veterans

because, like, I mean, Barstool has changed so fucking much over the last, you know, over the last, like, 10, 12, 15 years. But certainly the last couple years, things got just wild with how political the world got and cancel culture and blowing up and getting rich and gambling being legalized and all this shit. So it was like, you know, we changed a lot very quickly, and the whole Keith situation was a shitty one for the OG guys who were – we were with Keith and built it from the beginning. But that was one of the more interesting podcast conversations I've ever seen because if you're an old-school OG stoolie and you know the whole tale and know the people involved in it. That was a wild one. Particularly because usually Dave doesn't...

It was a weird... Keith stayed incredibly calm. That didn't surprise me. Keith stayed calm because Keith is always calm. But Dave surprised me. I saw the picture of

I think Dave Portnoy showed up on Instagram or whatever, and I thought, well, this isn't going to go good. I thought this was going to be like a screaming match or something like that. And then I said, because I don't think it's going to go good, because I don't see a world in which it goes good, I'm actually thinking it's going to go fine. Right. Which is what happened, more or less.

Yeah. I thought, like, it's, Keith, no matter what you think of the situation, Keith deserved a conversation about being demoted or having his role changed or whatever you want to call it. You can't be one of, like, the founding guys, be here for a decade, and find out on a podcast that you basically, like, lost your role. That's just, I don't care. You can be as wrong as wrong gets.

Dave admits as much. And he did, yeah. Which is, like, it also, like, I don't know. Like, I think if I, honestly, God, if I found out I got fired, I would not be surprised because I understand how Dave operates. And so that's the thing. If I show up to, there have been plenty of times where I, throughout the, you know, in later years, not so much.

But like where I went to log into like HQ and I was like – Maybe today I'm not in. I might not. I actually don't know how to do it anymore. I had to call Nick the other day. When you called me, you just said, how do I blog? I said, what do I blog? Big fly.

You fucking god! Chris Sale had a nine-pitch first inning and then first pitch the second inning. That's what people don't like. The subtext of that conversation was you have to know who Dave is and who he isn't and who Keith is and who he isn't. And then all of that kind of makes sense and how that happened. And, like, the fact that Dave even, like, had apologized or, you know, said he did it wrong. Like, you don't get apologies from Dave Portnoy. And if he does do it, that means he knows he fucked up and he owned it. But that whole problem comes from bad communication.

And that's – we've always been bad at Barstool about that because we're not like a boss, an employee. We're kind of like teammates and we're also kind of like competitors. And we are not friends, but we're also like around each other all of the time. We're friendly, but not – I'd go so far as to say I'm friends with a lot of the people here. But, well, that's what I mean. Like, not really with Dave. Oh, with Dave.

I thought you were saying like Barstow as a whole. With Dave, yes. So it's like we're cool, but we're not friends. So it's not going to be like, yo, man, like you hurt my feelings or something like that. You're not going to get an attaboy. You're not going to get I'm sorries. And then when there's no communication

like that and in this case it was like keith needed to communicate with dave about something and there was a miscommunication it's like yeah no fucking kidding there was like there's always a i'm surprised there was a miscommunication because usually there's just no communication and that's what leads to unfortunate like situations like this i think there's much deeper stuff about like you know i'm sure both sides are exaggerating certain things um you know dave being like i didn't i don't think you do any work keith saying he worked harder you know 16 hour days things that were like all right both of you guys are you know relax um but for for og barstool fans that was one of the more compelling conversations.

It was a little bit surrogate. It just kind of kept going at one point. Yeah. I didn't say as much. But from what I thought was going to be like screaming and yelling and emotional and hot-headed was pretty much just like, yeah, man, I fucked up one time, and I think I deserved a longer leash. And Dave being like, I think there was more to it than that, and it was a big enough fuck-up to warrant a move. I knew I needed to make a move. It's just an interesting look to see. Heavy lies the crown for Dave. You've got to warrant a move. I knew I needed to make a move. It's just an interesting look to see.

Heavy lies the crown for Dave. You've got to make tough decisions. Also, for people who think they could be barstool bloggers or whatever, it's not an easy job to be – when you're trying to do the corporate side of it where it's like i have to like do my job and do my role and communicate and it's like this is not the place to do that so that that kind of shit can like be your your downfall really you know what i mean like that wasn't really uh about content as much as it was about like having defined roles and work you know all that kind of shit which is the number that we don't have yeah yeah It's like that's what's good about it, but that's what's bad about it. It's like it can be your undoing.

So in that case, it sucks for Keith, but, you know, he was kind of over it, and I thought, like, actually handled himself really, really well. I do think I feel bad for Keith that he, like, thinks that – I mean, he definitely seems to just not like us anymore, which is fine. Well, he said, you know, like, there's not as many people – nobody had his back, and I'm wondering who that means. Is he talking about management or is he talking about guys like us? It's also like we've fostered a place where I'm not going to jump into this beef and fall on that grenade and fall on that sword.

Here's my thing because Dave brought up the same thing with the – he got mad. People weren't defending him for being called a racist or whatever. It's one of those things where I didn't know either of those things were happening. Like, I didn't know Dave was being called a racist. I remember talking to Eric about it. I'm like, where? Show me the article you want me to reply to. Like, if people were tweeting him saying they are?

And also, is it on me to say Dave's not a racist? I never thought that. Right. But the, like, I don't even know what the, where the back was to be had. It was a Minahan thing. it's off in that world and i mean listen over the last you know i think we started in in a certain way and 10 12 whatever years later it's kind of like every man for himself in a lot of aspects it's like i don't know nobody fucking had my back when when shit went down for me or when i'm in the mud or when i'm trying to get canceled it's like you fight your own fights you know um

and yeah actually you're a pretty good person to ask. Were there a lot of people who were like, Kevin didn't fuck me? I mean, I remember the very first thing, you know, Dave being like, yeah, he looks like a scumbag. And I was like, you know, I would have preferred you to say something else there, dude. But I understand that as the evidence was presented, I look like a scumbag. I had, you know, talked to him about some things that maybe he could have relayed to the audience and the public. He didn't. I didn't love that, but I also didn't expect it.

I'm not going to be like – I'm not going to cry about it. So it's a dramatic world in the Barstool world. But that was the first time OG people know, that OG people and Dave, like that was, I can't think of another time really. Most of the drama is new people coming and going and shit like that. Alex. That's what happened with when he was talking,

keeps talking about Brandon trying to put blogs up. I was like, what the fuck was Brandon Walker trying to blog? Brandon Walker was getting shut down? He's like, I had to cancel 10 of Brandon's blogs. I was like, what was he? I was like, Brandon was fired up about Mississippi changing the state flag. That is one thing.

I will go to bat for Keith 100% on this. Being like, dude, how could you publish a politically charged blog like that in the year 2020 and 2021 when the world was more politically charged than fucking ever? There was a lot of politically charged shit going on at barstool sports yeah like that that blog we have a podcast called the n-word we had a podcast that was an acronym n-i-g-g i mean come on and it just got put out that That is such a great point. If I'm Keith, I would be like, bro, what?

You're coming at me? I remember I was at dinner with my parents and Martha's family. I got like six different phone calls. I was like, do you see what this fucking podcast is called? And I looked. Now it's going to get extremely real. I think at first I said I don't get it I was like

what do you mean and I looked at the acronyms I was like oh oh my fucking god bro that was one of the wilder missteps

of all time I think I think that one pretty good too the people who named that podcast didn't tell the other members of the podcast

that's crazy that what the name was gonna be it's gonna be like yeah you wanna have a conversation with me? By the way, I'm going to call it clan meeting. By the way, it's called

Dude, I thought we were just sitting down and talking about work for 45 minutes. That's what I mean. That was a wild time, bro. It's unfortunate that it led to a permanent decision because that was like that's almost like, that's like when you have a really really bad fight with your girlfriend or boyfriend and you both say, like, things got a little out of hand last night. That was like 2020 to 2021. Shit got a little crazy.

Let's calm down. That was Anchorman. Things escalated. We had a podcast called The N-Word. You stabbed someone with a trident. Crazy times, man. Crazy times. It was called The N-Word. Crazy times, man. Crazy times. And not the N-word.

It was just called the N-word. Imagine if I just screamed it there. We should just beep it and make people think that you did. All right. Let me tell you a little something about Nectar Sunglasses as we keep the podcast moving here. I'm rocking Nectar Sunglasses right now if you're watching on YouTube. These are the type of sunglasses I like, by the way. Not that I'm not in favor of some of these more stylish, if you will, flashy types of sunglasses, which they also have at Nectar.

But these. I can wear these in 1991, 2021, 30,021. These are going to play. Yeah. You know, just some black shades, blue frames, blue lenses. They look nice with the shirt, too. Yeah? Yeah, with this shirt, you look sharp.

I like that. And it's just, you know, square, not too weird, not too – it's not lame by any means. It plays. And that's what Nectar Sunglasses has. Quality sunglasses with good materials that are stylish. They've also got alongside it the blue light filtering spectacles, which has that nice little blue tint to it. Filters out the blue light. Helps you.

Helps your eyesight. Also stylish in its own right. And both of these things are covered by a lifetime warranty. Lifetime, bro. Like, as long as you're alive, these are covered. You break them, they're covered. They're gone, you're covered. You can go back, get yourself a replacement pair.

No questions asked at NectarSunglasses.com slash KFC. You can live your life worry-free, whether it's the glasses, whether it's the sunglasses. They start at just 50 bucks, and then that's it, theoretically. You know, let's say you buy two pairs, $100. Then that's it.

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That's Nectar, N-E-C-T-A-R, sunglasses.com slash KFC. $50, lifetime warranty. Get the free blue light filtering glasses. What more can you ask for? Let's do... Oh, I was going to tell you guys. It looks like the ATI account was hacked, but the only thing that's been happening on it

is some guy in India is watching a lot of Indian porn on it. What does that mean? Our ATI... What's been hacked? Our YouTube account has been hacked. So, yeah, they think it's actually coming from the parent account. They're trying to figure... They're changing all the passwords right now okay but i went in the other day and all the recently watched it was all in like arabic and stuff and then i clicked watch

recently and it was all like just a bunch of porn there's indian porn on youtube yeah what are you talking and then on top of it well no it wasn't posted on ours it was ours. It was like somebody on the account – like they're not posting things. They're just watching stuff on our account. So there's Indian porn and then there's like just funny videos. Like you could see it's just somebody late at night just like going funny video, funny video. Let's see if there's some porn on here. This feels like when – like in Always Sunny when Frank is pranking people and he cuts the shower curtain and all that shit. It's like, I'm going to tie his shirt

in knots. I'm going to hack their account. I'm going to watch Indian porn. Alright. How do we get hacked? Jerk off taxes. Next year the IRS is going to audit the piss out of them. Well, ATI by the way, next week Chris DiStefano is back.

He'll be on the podcast and he's back on Answer the Internet. Are we going to do just a full Chrissy D week? We should, yeah, because I got him on the Kevin Clancy show too, which usually is more serious. And we talked about being a single dad and stuff, but we also just talked for like 30 minutes about sucking each other's dicks. There are a lot of great comics, entertainers, personalities, porn stars that have done Answer the Internet.

A lot of people have gotten a ton of views. No one in the world is better than Chris DiStefano. Dan Soder has better individual moments. Chris DiStefano, top to bottom, start to finish. His ATI performances are unbelievable. It's hard to think that Chris DiStefano has – that his shooting the shit podcast material is better than his stand-up because his stand-up is fucking amazing. When it comes to just like off the rip riffing with people, he's – it's so fucking funny. His voice, his opinions, his stories, it's so fucking funny his voice his opinions

his stories it's just fucking nuts so Answer the Internet Chris will be back he was the one who really set Answer the Internet off like he was the first time

we got like a few hundred thousand views you're right but we also gotta stop saying that shit cause he's gonna come knocking yeah it's like I own this shit trust me as a guy

who has happened to a time or two gotta shut our fucking mouths about Chris being a launching pad for Anthony in it. You're right. You're right. It was our idea. It was our genius. Okay.

So we're going to – since we were talking about a little throwback, talking about Keith and Dave and old school barstool, we got to do an old school blog topic here. A little, what we used to do is we used to find dumb internet articles and we would critique them and we would blog about them. Mostly a lot of these things often came from BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed at the time, remember when BuzzFeed was being valued

at $750 million? I think it's more than that now. Is it still, it went up more? I would guess so. I love that we caught up. The fact that we actually ended up being 100 because i i remember when like there we were trying to play catch up a little bit where it was like all right we didn't do listicles now yes and we started yes and we did quizzes and we did quizzes like oh my god which part of the blogger are you but it was sick which was yeah it was massive yeah it was like cool

millmore that was you say that still exists. You live long enough to become the villain sort of thing. It's like if you want views on the internet, you got to do top fives. You got to do lists. You got to do quizzes. You got to do which one are you. You got to do all those things. And we used to make fun of it.

I would love to try to think of a good analogy. It's almost like a band making, like, weird music and being like, we're not going to make, like, pop music. And it's like, okay, well, we're going to, like, go, like, Diamond, dude, and we're going to tour the world. You know what I mean? We used to be like, we're not going to do this shit. And BuzzFeed was like, okay, well, we're worth a billion dollars, Barstool.

You know? I think we did it the right way. Ah, page is gone. Dan's is still up with a link to mine. Dan had top five most bizarre answers. This is from 2014. It starts with, so, most of you have seen Final Burst, which boss is a blogger you quiz?

I guess I blogged it, but I didn't create it. I don't know how to do that shit. No, no, no. That was probably – What was his name? Jeff. Wait, I guess I did do this. The design menace, Jeff? Did you come up with the questions, maybe? I don't know. He said, now how it worked was Feidelberg emailed all his

questions last week, and we all replied to him with just our responses. So it's 100% closed ballot. No one knows the answer, blah, blah, blah. Five. Favorite sport? MMA. Which blogger... From back in, like, 2015? 14. Which blogger From back in like 2015 14

Which blogger said MMA And also by the way I don't think we're gonna get The answers to this No I know Cause the Like images are down

Blacked out yeah I don't know Dan said I like MMA I'll order an occasional fight You got it No I honestly don't think This is gonna work

Yeah All the hyperlinks are dead. God, look at that old – that blog. Oh, wait, no. It's coming up. It's working. It's working. But see – wait, can you find this blog from Dan?

Yeah, I'm looking for it. The top five most bizarre answers. When I see the old, quote-unquote, super page, as we called it, super blog, I get nostalgic as fuck, man. It is. I used to love blogging, dude. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. So Dan it. Loved it.

So Dan basically says, like, you know, MMA can't be your favorite sport. Well, now it definitely can. I still think if it's your favorite sport, you're still a weirdo. Oh, you're a weirdo, but it's become, like. It's more mainstream for sure, but if it's your. Like, Robbie's a self-proclaimed weirdo. Robbie will tell you he's a weirdo. He's a great, he's a lovable weirdo, but he's a weirdo.

It's the favorite sport of, like, celebrities. You notice that? It's the favorite sport of celebrities who fucking were nerds. Yeah. A lot of comedians, a lot of celebrities. That's not a shot at Bob. It's a shot at Travis Barker and MGK. Yeah, those guys.

Yeah. Where it's like, we didn't play sports. Justin Bieber, Travis Barker, MGK, all the comedians. Like, you ever notice that, like, no comedians really, like, talk about football? They just talk about, like, fucking fighters. You know what I mean? I don't know if that's, MGK, all the comedians. You ever notice that no comedians really talk about football? They just talk about fucking fighters. You know what I mean? I don't know if that's a Joe Rogan thing, like the copycat. But it's like, what the fuck?

You guys just don't have a favorite baseball team? What's going on here? Favorite part of a girl, personality. Oh, okay, here's what I think it is. I think these were options and not someone's actual thing. Actual choices. Because no gay guys worked here at that time. No, dude, no gay guys.

Although gay guys hate girls more than... Their favorite body part of a girl would probably be their tits. Well, Pat is... My experience with gay men is limited to New York's bathrooms, but the... But Pat just hates women. Yeah, yeah. Pat'll tell you.

Pat'll say that. He's like, I think they provide nothing for me. They have no use. Yeah, they have no use. They're just emotional, like, wrecked beings, you know? Pat is...

Just an irrational beast to them. Gets very upset. Do you think gay guys like chicks' asses or tits more? Like, what's more, like, kind of, I guess, like, funny to you

or, like, appealing? Oh, What's more funny to you or appealing? What's more funny is definitely... Not funny, but I don't know. If you see a chick in a... When you see celebrities on the red carpet, are you like, nice rack or nice ass? Nice ass. I don't even notice girls' boobs.

Yeah. Really, I just don't. Well, that's also because you're in a girl's boobs. I don't. He's giving me a look. It's true. I mean, I'm also... Yeah, tits are a boy's.

We've said that before. It's fat. The number three weirdest answer was favorite Venetian spot, Paris. Dan says what I said on the last one. He said, I think Fights messed up and sent this quiz to a girl as well. Two, what are you doing on a Friday night? Having sex. So, excuse me, Mr. Sex Guy.

If your answer is Friday night, having sex. What's your average Friday night? Fucking. Bro, Friday night. You could catch me, Mr. Sex Guy. If you're into Friday night having sex. What's your average Friday night fucking? Bro, Friday night. You could catch me inside someone. This past Friday night, I fucking sat on the couch for so long that when I got up at one point, got some food and sat back on the couch and plopped on the couch like so, it was just fart air. It was so much fart air that was stuck in the cushions that I started laughing out loud to myself on the couch. Fart air.

I was like, there is a disgusting amount of fart air trapped in this couch. Fart air. Because the couch, if you don't want fart air to come out, don't make a couch out of a sponge. Wise words. I think Aristotle once said that. If you don't want fart air, don't make a couch out of a sponge. Fart air, I'm picturing an airplane airline called Fart Air. And it's just a bunch of fat guys ripping ass in a tiny cabin in, like, economy.

Just farts everywhere. And then number one is brand new most wear. DC. Dan says, this one battles me. I had no clue Prez hired a 12-year-old skateboarder, but he did. That was Nate. Eric Nathan, folks. That one's real. The other one might have been fill-in answers.

That one was an answer from Eric. I'm quite sure of it. Nate was rocking DC no doubt. But what inspired all this talk is a OG... this was written today, like this week, right? Yeah. So BuzzFeed, still out there doing the damn thing, threw it back and wrote a – like top ways to become attractive? Is that what it is? People are sharing small, simple – no, see, this is what BuzzFeed does now too.

They switched it up. They don't make the list. Right. They just crowdsource it. The list goes viral on Reddit, and then they just fucking screenshot it. And also they say that people are saying, people are doing, people are sharing. It used to say top 100 ways, and they would have to put their fucking name on it and come up with that shit. Now they just find a couple tweets, and they say, here's what people said.

Yeah, this one's from – it's a Reddit thing. Now, I'm going to say this, though. Sometimes BuzzFeed's lists were like, oh, that's right. Or like, oh, shit, I never thought of that. Sometimes there's some value in those. So I think there's going to be some things in here that I do believe make you better looking. Okay.

The first one I agree with wholeheartedly, despite how ridiculous it is. Rolling up your sleeves? Absolutely. Absolutely. Especially like you're at a wedding. You're on the dance floor. You loosen up a little bit. You take it.

You roll them up. And all of a sudden you go from like buttoned up corporate guy to like loose and kind of confident guy. I think it's just like also like when you stand and you get a little bit. Your forearms are a little bigger. Because you're cutting off the bloodline. Blood supply. Your forearms are a little bigger. Yeah, because you're cutting off the bloodline, blood supply. Your forearms are screaming for air. Yeah.

Like, oh, look at that. He's very vascular. No, about to pass out. Yep. And also, sometimes you pull your sleeves down. And this is probably more if you have an ill-fitting shirt. But if your sleeves go over your hands, you almost look like you're a little kid. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like if it's – We're going to try to sneak into a rated R movie and dad's going to get it. Yes, exactly. If your sleeves are going to be down, it's got to be a well-fitting shirt. But yeah, roll your sleeves up. Simple, effective.

Alright, BuzzFeed's one for one, bro. Alright, two. Having good posture makes you more attractive. For anyone wondering how to get better posture... I think this list is going to go like 100 for 100. I improved mine massively through weighted squats at the gym. As opposed to non-weighted squats. Weighted squats at the gym. As opposed to non-weighted squats. Weighted squats in the gym. The strength in your lower back helps tremendously.

I agree, but I sometimes think I have posture that's too good. You got like your tits out? I have posture like a baby. Like a baby? Like babies. What do you mean? You ever seen like a baby walk like that? Yeah.

I'm kind of like leaning back. Yeah. Your back is like inverted. It's like a C shape. Like when I come into into a room it's like what's up guys yeah well you are a big baby you're walking on your toes like a baby like it like my posture it's like it's so good it's bad you know what your problem is too you have such good posture you kind of get like locked in at your shoulders and then so your arms are kind of like dangling. You know, it's like you're probably at the wrong shoulders.

What's fucked up is you've never said anything like this to me before. I've never thought of it until right now. But you've really been thinking of it for a long time. No, no. Because I just thought of it now. Because when I think of like how you stand, I think it's because you have – I think you're just too fucking swole, bro. But like your arms are kind of just like –

like everything about me is like – It's how I'm standing right now and I can't stop. What do you mean? That's better than fucking spaghetti, bro. I'm like you know, arms, like my arms What are you talking about? I've got a big chest,

big shoulders, big arms. So they kind of like they go like this. But my shit's like I look like, I have the posture of a school's like I look like I have the posture Of a school shooter I look like a fucking Suicidal teenager I like to see the two of us

As like cartoons Hanging out Like what's up I'm John Hey How you doing I'm John I got good posture

Because my mom Used to fucking Point at old people Who were hunchbacked And say that'll be you Hey it worked Fucking worked. But when my shoulders are particularly, like, rounded and I'm, like, really slouching, and

then, like, if I remember it or someone points it out or I see someone, and then you do this shit, when you do that shoulder roll, you're like that, and you realize how much further back your shoulders need to be. Yeah. It's like, oh, man, I am a hunchback. My shoulders go back so far that my nipples point out. Yeah. Because I get like –

That's what I mean. You're very – It's like, bam. And then your arms – If I could shoot like a fembot from Austin Powers, if I could shoot laser beams through my nipples, Nikki would be in trouble. It would be like 180 degrees. You have be in trouble. It would be like 180 degrees.

You have nipples like alligators have eyes. They're on the side of their head. They can't see forward. They're going to see that that way. Yeah, and your arms are like out where my shit is just like. I look like I'm just like folded up into me. I'm like a piece of origami. In my experience, number three, in my experience, people have

always responded well to a nice smile, good posture, and being kind. Okay. Be pretty and nice, okay. Four, shower and cut your fingernails. I don't think that makes you better looking, but if I see someone who's dirty and they have dirty fingernails, I'm like, you are a homeless fucking piece of trash.

Dirty fingernails are... Dirty fingernails is like you're either a child or you're, like, working manual labor. Like, if you're just a regular person and I can see dirt under your finger, I can see it, you know what I mean? Not like... Sometimes you get, like, black that wasn't dirt, but

like, you know, that better be gone the second you go to a bath. You know what happens to me a lot? Like, if I get a new pair of jeans, like, the denim, denim, the ink runs on it. And then I'm like, are my hands dirty? It's like, no, I'm just covered in ink. And then when you wash your hands, you see it come off. That's gross. I don't think that happens to me.

New pair of jeans or sometimes whatever fabric kind of runs. And I'll wash my hands and it's black coming off. It's gross. The dirt reminded me of what we used to call like dirty girls in like when I was a child dirty dirty white sneakers that wasn't like a dirty girls like if you have dirty white sneakers yeah she's sure watch you're like six great like that go ruin your life. Clothing that fits, yeah. Sure. A white t-shirt and jeans.

Clothing that fits is one that you don't learn until you learn that and you realize you haven't put it into practice. Like, you realize that, like, not everything just, like, off the rack at Banana Republic looks good on you. Yeah, yeah. I'm a large. It's large. It fits me.

That's not how it works. You know what I mean? Sometimes. Which I still don't get me. Nah, that's not how it works. You know what I mean? Sometimes. Which I still don't get it. Like, that's how I buy sweaters that I throw away. Not a throw away. Because I never wear them. I throw them away.

That one I threw away. Most of them I just don't ever wear. But the, like, I get kind of annoyed sometimes with people. Like, how does this run? Like, I don't know, man. It runs. How clothes run. Yeah.

What size? Bro, you getting annoyed by that? I get annoyed by it more than fucking anybody it's crazy uh but but i think we should invent a a shirt uh i know that these kind of exist but like we need to perfect it where it's like it fits you know you have like it's a little bit looser in your belly and a little bit more material by your tits but but the rest is kind of form-fitting. I feel like all t-shirts are just one size, really, where it needs to be like, I kind of need an XL here and a large here and a medium here. You know what I mean? A little Frankenstein shirt? Yeah.

That's what you need. Moisture daily after showering. Accent your beard to fit your face Drink two liters of water each day Oh fuck off Exercise Hold eye contact with people This is all one

This is also like not This is like how to be a Like a good human Not be good looking Do not slouch Refer to people by their name But not in a creepy manner Do you remember that Kevin?

Um Take up a hobby you're passionate about And subsequently be able to But not in a creepy manner. Do you agree with that, Kevin? Take up a hobby you're passionate about and subsequently be able to talk about it with passion. Here's my hobby. This is from BetterNectarine595. Eat my ash. Yeah, I mean, like, Nectarine, here's your fucking hobby you should pick up. Sucking my dick. This is trash. I, uh, um, uh, go go back read through that real quick okay it was

moisturized oh yeah so no no no but here's the thing that's something that girls have done forever moisturize and lotions and makeups and all these things and um and girls are pretty and guys are fucking ugly and i have started to, like, I'm going to be old and ugly if I don't take some preventative measures. You know? No. That's not true. You don't think so? Nope.

You think you're just going to be good looking? You're talking to someone who's never washed his face in 20 years. That's so disgusting. In 15 years. I'll be more than 15 years. That's so disgusting. I probably haven't washed my face in 15 years But you

And you don't really wash your Cause I was gonna say At least you get like some shampoo run off Nope But you don't really wash your hair And you're not greasy Nope But you must be

You must not be like traditionally greasy That's not great Really? But it's not like 15 years worth of grease Like my fingers were shiny And this is grossing me out a little bit now I got your fucking forehead on my Well is it because I was sweaty?

You need Like a napkin Like a thin napkin If you rub your forehead Like dude if I don't wash my face I might open the box I don't want to open I mean it's gotta be somewhat greasy and dirty if you haven't washed

your face in 15 years, John. But, like, I don't look dirty. No, you don't. You don't, like, glisten like that. You're not a human. You don't sweat. You don't grow hair. You're an inside-out cat. You don't have a greasy face. You don't have greasy hair. You don't ever wash your body. It's crazy. It doesn't make any sense.

How about this real quick? Let's take a poll of the room. Who in the room washes their legs and feet in the shower? I go legs. Feet maybe on top. You go all the way down to your ankle? Yeah. I mean, like, look. I would not have guessed that from you.

It's not a fucking, like. I would not have guessed that from you. I go like this, basically. I have a bar of soap at home. Yeah, I would not have guessed that from you. What's up about, basically. I have a bar of soap. Yeah, I would not have guessed that for you. That's about that. Nick? Occasionally.

Mike? Not always. Do you wash your legs in the shower? No. Yeah, my man. Stay strong. Gravity. Gravity.

Water flows. Also, like, I just, you know, my legs are not getting dirty, bro. They're not getting sweaty. I'm not working out. They're not. There's nothing really to clean off. Anyway. Accent your beard to fit your face. Just growing a beard in general is the lesson.

Yeah. Not even a beard. Not even a beard. Just sweatpants for your face. One of the all-time lines. Absolutely. But I don't know how to accent it to fit my face. I don't even really know how to cut it correctly.

I just, I don't, like anything in my life. I just don't really try. So therefore I can't really fail, but I'll just be like, I'll just, I'll just get it. Yeah. And I won't pay attention. And so many people have told me that I need to like cut it shorter and that will make my jawline like stronger or whatever.

But I think I need to go a little bit down cause then you can't see, then it blends in. If I cut it all the way here, you'll see my neck, like my poofy neck. But if I, if I have it back here see then it blends in. If I cut it all the way here, you'll see my neck, like my poofy neck. But if I have it back here, then it blends in. I agree with you. I tend to agree with you. Yeah, I think that's the

better way to do it, but I don't know. I might just go to a barber one day and be like, how do we do this? We should just do that. Probably. We do it with our fucking heads. We might as well do it with our faces. Even with my mustache. Oh, I want to see what the barber says about your mustache. It's like me going in with a full head of hair and be like, do what you do.

I can't believe you have your hair go over your lips. You have your hair go over your bottom lip. Bro, it's so long. Eating is a mess. I eat mostly shirtless. You should take your mustache and flip it up before you start eating. Oh, never mind. Put it down.

Never mind. Put it down. What does it look like? Oh, that's so gross. Why? Because you still have like this part. It's just disgusting. If I – if this gets even like a little long and I can feel it like near my lips, I'd freak out.

Stop. Stop. I'll tell you what's number one on the BuzzFeed list. Don't do that. Gross. I sound like a fucking mustachioed baby sucking a titty. That imagery. Brush your teeth.

This list thing. Stop self-deprecating yourself. How about shut the fuckdeprecating yourself How about Shut the fuck up Yeah how about That's my whole bag sister How about that's the only move I got in the book

That's the only fucking tool I got in the repertoire here Wear jewelry No No definitely not Breathe through your nose Not your mouth Wait what was that

Yeah for sure Wear jewelry The gay guy says wear jewelry What a poof I feel like, uh, what do you mean? Like a wristwatch?

I'm down with, uh, like you want me to wear like a chain. If you get like a, do you wear a chain? I feel like you wear a chain now. Okay. I feel like a thinner chain,

not like a thick Yankee fucking Guido chain, but like, I think wearing a chain is the most ridiculous thing that guys do. I think it's preposterous. Yeah, you're that anti? I am so anti it. I cannot even fathom a world where I would get up in the morning, or I guess you don't even take them off, so it's not even like put it on.

You wear a chain? Pabs, you have a chain on? No. Fuck. I had a feeling. I wasn't sure, though. It would have fit well you're a guinea too

you know wait what kind of bracelet is that that looks like a rubber band what is that is it jewelry yeah it's a bronze bracelet I think

I think jewelry on dudes is wacky man I just I mean I think I grew up around it too much. I saw all these fucking gindaloons. I've worn bracelets before. I've had a necklace before.

That was when I was much younger. Bracelets are more recent. I will only accept Rude Boy wearing a puka shell necklace. That's my guy. His skull pinky ring. Sure. Anything Rudy does, I'm down with. But like, I just I grew up around guys wearing earrings and chains and pinky rings and bracelets.

And I was just like, you guys are so gay. So I just can't do it. Lastly, stop giving a fuck if people find you attractive or not. I hate when they end the list like that where it's like, who is your princess? Who is your prince? Like Grinch Charming. Lastly, like you don't need one. No, fuck off.

I clicked this link. Yeah. I clicked it for a fucking reason. Fuck you, BuzzFeed. Let's give some actual tips real quick. I will say. Roll up your sleeves. Roll up your sleeves.

The beard, absolutely. Yeah. Drinking a lot of water helps. That's good for your skin. Invest in a good haircut. Like, spend money on your haircut. When people are like, I spend $7 on mine, and they're proud of it, it's like, well, you look

like a $7 asshole. I would have guessed. Yeah. You spend hundreds of dollars on, like, think about when you buy a nice coat. A list. A nice jacket. You spend a lot because you wear it all the time, right? You get a lot of use out of it. Same thing with shoes. You wear your hair every fucking day.

So get a good haircut. And also, you can last longer. You don't have to go as often if you get a good haircut. So go to a place like Fleischmann. Go to a high-end place. So nice jacket, good haircut, have a beard. This is obviously for guys. Girls, it's like, I don't know, be like preposterously,

like impossibly hot. You know what I mean? Like have a small waist, fat ass, big tits, no cellulite. Oh, by the way, I have so much cellulite. Where? On my ass. I have an absurd amount of cellulite on my ass. Really?

Yep. Just saw it the other day. Don't know where that came from. It's not like I've changed weights. Isn't that where cellulite comes from? Like weight fluctuations? That's stretch marks. That's stretch marks. I have stretch marks on my ass. Wait, no, that's what I It's not like I've changed weights. Isn't that what it's like on some weight fluctuations? That's stretch marks. That's stretch marks.

I have stretch marks on my hips. Wait, no, that's what I have then. On your ass? Yeah. I have stretch marks on my hips. It's crazy. I have like fucking pregnant woman stretch marks on my hips. Jackie, close your eyes.

No, you're all right. I'm just going to get cheeky. I'm not taking full dick out. Can you see him? Yes. Yeah, you can see him, right? Is that cell phone? Yes.

No, no, that's stretch marks. Oh, stretch marks? Yes. But that's from getting fat? So, like, see that? I have that. Like, see those? That's like your skin rips and you have, like, scars.

You have that, too. That's on my ass? Yeah. Actually, we have similar ones. It's like this. Look. It's like two lines. You just have it down here.

I have it up here. I had more cheek, I thought. No, you're more your hips. Is it maybe this cheek then? I got fucking... Yeah, you got them lower on your cheeks there. Yeah, that! That cheek's disgusting!

You got... But it's... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got like ripples in that shit. Fucking hairless, though. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

There is... I don't know why... That ass cheek is... My ass is disgusting! Yeah, it's gross. Luckily, you're... Like, guys' bare... I don't know why... That ass... Look at that one, dude. My ass is disgusting. Yeah, it's gross. Luckily, you're... Like, guys' bare asses don't matter. You know what I mean?

Not like anyone. I'm... Look at this, dude. That looks like... Grossed out right now. I just saw it. Did you get... Did you see it?

No. Dude, this looks like I got slashed. Look at that. I don't know what that is. Look at that fucking ass. Yeah, look at those, like... It's like... It's like...

He's like a tiger. He's got, like, tiger stripes on his ass. Yeah, look at those, like, it's like, he's like a tiger. He's got, like, tiger stripes on his ass. It's just, I'm a monster! I am a fucking monster. I hate the things I brought up

on this episode. Oh, yeah, this song. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. This is, I just read a cosmopolitan magazine that says this thing ain't attractive. You know what just happened?

I feel the ugliest I've ever felt. We just became chicks. This is what they do every day. They read a fucking article or a tweet or something, and they're just like, oh, fuck, I'm gross. Yeah. That's us. I'll do a new list. How to be attractive.

Fucking step one. Don't pay me. Don't have an ass covered in cellulite, you fat bitch! Step one! Change your whole fucking existence! You greasy-faced fucking cellulite-ass

stretch mark-haven motherfucker in a sweat-as-ass off-it-of-a-lord shirt! You're ugly! You're ugly! Oh, man. Stop being self-deprecating, though. I'm not being self-deprecating. I'm ugly.

I'm just saying what I just saw with my own goddamn eyes. A monster. A grotesque beast who never deserves any love. Oh, my God. A haunting creature who deserves to die alone and be buried in the ocean so fish can look at his bodies and don't find that appetizing.

This is right up there with the Sandboy Season speech. You might have just done that. You have a new fucking gold medal already, bro. Well, I don't want that in me. It looks rotten. It's just stretch marks. They're natural. Oh, man. Oh, by the way, speaking of another

fucking stupid fucking segment we're gonna do on this show. By the way, I'm gonna fucking, I just opened my Instagram. I'm on this fucking page for real dolls. I was gonna do a my Instagram I'm on this fucking fucking page for real dolls I was going to do a joke where I comment on real dolls fucking pictures for for a year

and then tell you about it I've only done it a few times what? what's happening? what's happening? that's such a weird bit what were you going to do? you were going to comment on

I just started it yesterday do you know about this? I can see the look in your eyes too it was just me I just started it yesterday. Do you know about this? I can see the look in your eyes, too. I just started it yesterday because Asa put it on her Instagram story, like real doll. What are real doll? What is that? A doll you fuck, Kevin. Oh, okay.

And so I was like, oh, it'd be funny. I actually kind of want to cut all this out. No, never mind, because I know I told you guys it's not as funny anymore. We are off the walls right now. But so real doll put up a post that said, lots of education it's not as funny anymore. We are off the walls right now. But so real to output of a post, it said, lots of education going on lately in the shop. What's one thing you wish we could spill the beans about? What'd you comment?

Don't tell me that's like a paragraph that you wrote. Such a weird bet. What are the nipples made out of? Question mark, question mark. That is... Can I read some of the other comments here? Sure, yeah. So these are, yeah.

If you could, you know, what do you want to know about these real dolls? When will real dolls become ambulatory? I don't know what that means. What does that word mean? Drive an ambulance? New real cocks? Bodies with sensors?

I mean, these people. That person wants to make a doll come? Yeah. Hey, bro, just fuck a woman. What does ambulatory mean? It means so able to walk. Yikes. So you're going to do that for one year and then tell me? It means so able to walk. Oh. Yeah. Yikes. So you're going to do that for one year and then tell me?

I was going to do it. And you cracked after one day? After one day, yeah. Because I opened it and it was just there. Had it not been right in my face, I have things right in my face I've got to tell people about. Yeah. The, God, I'm fucking so disgusting. What are we doing?

What comments are we reading? What's one thing you wish, one thing you learned that you wish you never did? Right. We put that I'm a fucking pig shit. You are a pig. I'm an absolute You are a barnyard animal. You are disgusting. So what's

some of the feedback from our fans on the KFC Radio Instagram? KFC Radio Instagram, follow along. We post all the videos and clips and shit, but we also post, like, quote cards and have some discussions over there. And, yeah, we never really... We didn't have a good answer on the podcast.

We said we were just going to kick it to these people. So what's one thing... Mine was the maggot one. I stand by that. It changed my life. I'd be a completely different person. Yes, absolutely. I'd be a guy who eats candy in the movies.

Yeah, yeah. I don't eat candy still, but I'd be a guy who person. Yes, absolutely. I'd be a guy who eats candy in the movies. I don't eat candy still, but I'd be a guy who eats hot dogs in the movies. I'd be a guy who... Thank God you're not a guy who eats hot dogs in the movies. I'd be a guy who eats not hot dogs. Who's a guy who eats hot dogs in the movies? I don't know, fucking guy. I'd like to see a movie one day. You actually seem like you would eat hot dogs in the movies.

You might as well just do it. Absolutely. I can't because I think it's covered in maggots. Hold on. I'm just really tired. Plus, if I just eat more stretch marks. What? Hold on. I'm just really tired. Plus, if I just get more stretch marks. What? Hold on.

I'm just really tired. All right, what do we got? The Undertaker and Kane weren't really brothers. Oh, that's a great one. All of wrestling, like, keep the magic alive, sure. There was another one that said WWE isn't real. And I do, man. I remember that one.

That was crazy. Yeah. That was... Paul Bearer's not their dad? Two girls one cup I don't know what that means You didn't learn it You just saw it

No I think that also might mean Oh that it wasn't real That it wasn't real Yep But I mean It was still coming out of their assholes Right but You know things come out of your ass

That's not disgusting Yeah Things come out of your ass That's hot Most of the time Things coming out of your ass is hot In porn It's just the one time

They decided to make it gross Most of the things I watch coming out of ass is hot Yeah bocce balls Fucking rubber duckies Strawberries Planes don't always take the fastest route to your destination That's annoying I didn't know that until right now I'm very annoyed

Very annoyed That's annoying. I don't know why they don't do that. They got to take a safest route or something like that? I guess. Jackie, can I have that lip stuff real quick? Whoa! Sorry.

Right. That was crazy. That buzzed by my face. Buzzed the tower. That was Frank Reynolds. As soon as you – I throw over here, Charlie. Why did you do that?

You got some anger you want to talk about? I feel like – I mean, you whipped it. Did you get a camera by any chance? Yeah, I got it flying. How about my catch, by the way? Well, how about my throw? Yeah, how about your throw?

It was wildly inappropriate. It was dangerous. Dangerous. Are you tired right now? Am I tired? Right now? Am I tired? I feel like you're extra... Do you see how you just... Didn't throw that to my hands, but when I did...

You should have caught it? No, but you didn't even... It was right there. Okay, whatever. Am I tired? I feel like you're extra appalled by us today. Like, every time I look over, you're just like... I'm honestly, like, I'm half...

I'm not even... I'm coming up, and I'm, like I'm half I'm not even I'm coming up and I'm like listening to weird bits and I'm taking everything out of context. Got it. You guys are doing great.

You're doing great sweetie. Your bones are wet. That's the one that gave me a visceral reaction beforehand. Wet wet. I never. I saw this on TikTok.

Well I think synths are inside your body. Yeah but I just figured don't bone your gut. I think anything inside. You know what really grosses me out? I'm going to show you something really gross. Is it, Zach?

Yeah. No, no, no. Wet bones? Yeah, no, no. I watch. That's some St. Nick PSU. You want to know some weird. Terrible fact, St. Nick.

Weird shit that I do. I watch surgeries on YouTube. Dude, what? I watch surgeries on YouTube. I swear to God, if I wasn't a blogger, I would have tried to become a fucking doctor. Ducks are necrophiliacs?

Ew. I kind of like hearing that one, though. Good for the ducks. I don't know. Go on, you little freaks. Do you, you little fucking kinky dead fuckers. What does slick-legging mean? It's a jail term. Slick-legging. I mean, fuckers. What does slick-legging mean? It's a jail term. Slick-legging.

Oh, I mean jail terms. That's not good. That means, you know, there's going to be some gross fucking, some weird shit going on. Slick-legging? No, I don't want to say it. Wow, Jackie wouldn't even say it.

When one guy applies lube in between his thighs and it acts as a vagina. Wow. Whatever, man. They do that in jail? I guess. acts as a vagina. Wow. Whatever, man. Did they do that in jail? I guess. Better than getting your ass fucked.

Bro, you want to fuck my legs? I feel like, you know what, if I got an option, what are you going to fuck my whole legs? No, you know what

I think that is? Fucking lube these fucking thighs up, baby. Going to have to deal with some stretch marks. And maybe a varicose vein. You're going to be a hot topic. You're going to be fucking your grandmother's legs, bro.

Go ahead. Oh, dude. Dude. You're like ribbed for his pleasure. John's legs are ribbed for his pleasure. I have my legs up, bro. Oh, take a shot of me, please. Oh, stop, stop.

Would you like a word of this? Caramel, Kevin. How about one of those strawberries? That fucking... All right, all right, all right. You know the strawberries I made? Dude, I can't believe we have to still do, like, multiple segments. I want to get out of here. I feel like buddies in prison slick like you.

What? I feel like you'd be friends. Let's slick like each other real quick. You know what I mean? You're not going to rape me. You're not going to ass fuck each other. But just let me borrow your thighs real quick. And then you'd be friends. Let's slick leg each other real quick. You know what I mean? You're not going to rape me. We're not going to ass fuck each other. But just let me borrow your thighs real quick. And then you can borrow mine.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. We'll just slick leg for the end of the night. God, that's gross. I'm trying to think of one. There's got to be some... Oh, when I found out that they didn't film Home Alone inside that house. It was filmed inside a school. That really fucking pissed me off.

There's a lot of movie and TV ones I can't think of that I probably – I mean, how about when Jackie found out that they're not actually fucking in movies? That must have really pissed her off. Zach and Kelly aren't dating. Yeah. Yeah, like real life couples. Yeah, relationships aren't real. That's off the monster.

The monster's a fucking trip, man. All right, let's get into Am I the Asshole? It's brought to you by Roman. Go to getroman.com slash KFC and for $5

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GetRoman.com slash KFC and you can last longer in bed. Oh boy, this is tough. Am I the asshole for telling my brother's girlfriend she's too heavy for her bike? This is one of those ones where it's so clear he's the asshole. It's got to be. Well, this isn't going to be a bike.

It's going to be a motorcycle. It also could be, like, safety. You know what I mean? Well, no, I mean, it's where the headline is so clear there's no way he can actually be an asshole. Let's see. The other day my brother brings home his girlfriend. He's been telling us about her for a few months now, but we've never met. She's lovely.

We start chatting, complaining about my brother, you know, life, et cetera, bring up how I've been having issues with the gears on my bike. This prompts her to reveal that she, too, has been having all sorts of issues with her bike, and now she's disappointed in it because it's this expensive $1,000 electric bike that she too has been having all sorts of issues with her bike and now she's disappointed in it because it's this expensive $1,000 electric bike that she really invested in and she thinks it's shocking that she's having to pay so much to get it repaired every other month. I agree, that really is shocking. So I offered to take a look at it. I did basic repair when I was in uni, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Max weight, 120 kilograms, aka 18 18 stone i don't know how much that means who still measures

weight in stones what are you doing europe is this the fucking caveman times where it's like how much does that weigh one two three four five six twenty stones fucking pounds or kilogram like come on what's 18 stone wait hang on before we do that stop don't say anything Jackie how much how many pounds is 18 stone is 18 what stone over in Europe they measure

the weight in stone so they say this chick is 18 stone how many pounds do you think that is 275 that's a fat chick Stone, how many pounds do you think that is? 275. That's a fat chick. That's going to be a really fat girl if you're right. I was going to say a buck eight. I'm going to say 165.

No, I think it's going to be over two. Over two bills? Yeah, if it's the maximum weight for a bike, yeah. Yeah, a buck eight, 10 pounds of stone made sense, but I think it's got to be. What is it, Zach? Have you guys looked this up yet? Oh, 252.

Wow. I know my stone. So this chick is huge. I don't mean to be rude, but I think the issue behind all this is that you exceed the weight limit. She absolutely loses it. Starts ranting about how she isn't even classed as overweight. I mean... Like, yeah, you are.

If I weigh 250, I'm overweight. She might be 8 feet tall. Like, I don't know. I guess, but like... I'll have you know that I'm 2 pounds under 15 stone. Now they're mixing and matching pounds and stones? Come on, that's ridiculous. I mean, this goes on.

The max weight for the bike was 18 stone. Right? No, no, no. The max weight is 120 kilograms. But that's slash 18 stone, right? She says that she weighs 18 stone. So what's 120 kilograms? 18 stone is 114 kilograms.

That's the girl talking though So She says I weigh 18 stone And compared to the girl I am tiny So she doesn't know how many stone she is Oh I see I see I see Wait this is Okay so wait a minute

Hang on real quick The girl talking about Who is Am I the asshole in here Says she weighs 18 stone Which is 100 and what it is about 118 then the fat girl

comes around and says I'm 2 pounds under 15 stone so if I'm skinny and you're fatter than me and I say I'm 18 stone and you say you're 15 stone it's like no you're not you're fatter than me okay so this girl just might be delusional about her weight does she say it's a girl writing this cause I I've been picturing a man the whole at her weight. Does she say it's a girl riding this?

Because I've been picturing a man the whole time. I have too. It says explicitly it's a girl? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So she says we're both 5'4". I've previously been heavier around 22 stone.

So she's been big girl. But none of this really matters. It's like, can you tell a fat person that they're breaking their bike because they're fat? I honestly think this, once I found out it was two women, absolutely. Yeah, it does make a difference that it's two girls. Yeah, it is. That's just the person saying, hey, you're too. But it's still a sibling's significant other, and then that becomes dicey.

Yeah. Because you know what you should do? You know what you should do? You should let this bitch take the bike to the mechanic every single month and be like, I don't know. You got a broken bike. Yeah. Because that's better than being like, you're too fat for your electric bike.

Right. Yeah. What do you care to tell them? Yeah. What do you care? I would let it be like, I don't know what the hell it could be. I'd scratch that sticker off and be like, I don't know. You know what you should say? You should say, oh, you know what the hell it could be. I'd scratch that sticker off and be like, I don't know. You know what you should say?

You should say, oh, you know what? It looks like you got one of those electric bikes that has a much lower weight limit. You know? Frequently low. Yeah, like, oh, man, most electric bikes have a 220 kilogram. It's got a 60 mile an hour speed limit, but this is for under 10 years old. Yes, that's what you say. Most of these bikes say maximum weight, 220 kilograms. It's got a 60 mile an hour speed limit, but this is for under 10 years old. Yes, that's what you say. Most of these bikes say maximum weight, 220 kilograms.

Yours says 120 kilograms. You must have got a weird bike. Not that you're fat. It's not that you're wrong. It's the bike's wrong. That's your fucking answer right there. There is. Yeah, it is.

There's nothing good that could come of it. But also, like, I don't know, man. Why don't you just get a regular ass bike how if you are if you're like if you like hop on your bike and it's like it's like you hear the metal is like like please we're too fat yeah help me uh then you should probably know that like you know this bike ain't for fucking you uh we'll do one more here and then get to our video voicemails because i am i get excited for video voicemails now am i the asshole for telling my cousin about the light bulb mouth fact do you know what that means i didn't know it off the top but then i then i oh is it fucking a form of torture maybe it could be like if you go ahead continue jackie what do you think the mouth the light bulb mouth fact is Maybe. It could be. Go ahead. Continue.

Jackie, what do you think the light bulb mouth fact is? What do you think? Light bulb mouth fact? What do you think there's a fact about light bulbs and mouths? What do you think it is? It fits in your mouth, but it'll break and then you inhale all the glass and you die.

No, you could put a light bulb in your mouth, but you can't take it out. That's it, which is basically what you're saying. But that is the fact, yes. So 19-year-old female tells her 22-year-old male cousin how you can fit the light bulb in, but you can't take it out. He just says, huh, okay. We continue talking. I guess he didn't believe me because he tried it Tuesday night. From what I can gather, he started yelling.

His mother, my aunt, 64-year-old woman, comes upstairs to check on him. She said there wasn't a way to get it out and had to take him to the ER. He called me up yesterday and he was pissed. He said if I didn't say anything, then he wouldn't have tried it. I thought that this was total BS and they started arguing back and made a stupid decision and it wasn't on me.

My aunt was in the same room and he gave her the phone to talk to me. She explained that it might have been his decision, but I still opened the door for it to happen. Yada, yada, yada. That's fucking nonsense. How old are they? 22 and 19. Yeah, that's fucking nonsense.

That 19-year-old should fucking die. I wish you didn't take the ER, and I wish he'd fucking die. I feel like you put a light bulb in your mouth. That's on you. You're 19 years old. You were just, hey, guess what, dickhead? If you fucking stick a fork into the fucking outlet, you die too. Go try that one.

But also, there is something to be like, don't like, you're right. It is an age thing. It's more about children. It's like, don't tell me what I can't do because I'm going to go try to do that thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when a lady tells me, don't touch the plate. It's hot.

I touch it. But that fucking shouldn't say, don't touch the plate.'s hot i touch it but that's fucking shouldn't say don't touch the plate you'll die i also but here's the thing when you have stuck a light bulb in your mouth and you need to go to the emergency room to fix this which by the way what do you think they did you probably you have to break it at some point right unless you can like knock someone out and unhinge their jaw for a second oh god what do they do? I don't even want to think about those wet jaw bones sliding around. But you're so stupid that you need an excuse.

Like, that's so remarkably dumb that you need to be like, it's somebody else's fault. I got to pin this on someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, voicemails. Video voicemails. My new favorite fucking thing that we do. The milk girls from last episode The pee semen piss guy Is one of my favorites

They finished another gallon of milk within a day I mean, now they're trying Now they're getting cocky Now you're running up the score, milk girls I know what you're doing here Voicemails today are And by the way, someone said to me These are not video voicemails

Stop trying to make that happen. These are video mails. This is video mail. So no one in the fucking world has ever said video mail. I'm saying that these are voicemails that they're videoing themselves doing. I recognize it's not a logical term, but that's what it's fucking called. Video voicemails. It's a video.

It is absolutely a video voicemail. It's brought to you by Gage Diamonds. They're an online retailer for engagement rings, fine jewelry. You can get anything ranging from rings and pendants and bracelets and diamonds all the way up to the engagement ring. And we're talking about if you're a guy. Now, listen, I said guys, you can't wear jewelry. I didn't say that you can't wear watches. You get a nice Movado watch.

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Our crack staff over here is refusing to Google anything. Just nobody. Nobody's even considering Googling something. T-I-S-S-O-T. Pronunciation. I think it's going to be Tissot. Tissot would be crazy. Tissot?

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credit needed and 20% off when you use code KFC at checkout. Hello. Hey, guys. I'm responding to Skyler's voicemail about what's the most out-of-pocket thing a therapist or doctor has said to you. And so every time I go to my general practitioner, he asks, are you pregnant? I'm like, no. And then he says, okay, good.

So we're not going to have the antichrist anytime soon. And then writes it down. Every time. I've been going to him for like five years. It's just, I just don't care. I don't care. That's fine. You know what that is?

That's not like rude. That's like dad jokes. It's someone who's unfunny trying to be funny. And he says it to everybody, every girl, and he doesn't realize that this girl hears it every time because he thinks he's using it differently. You know what I mean? That's a dad joke gone really wrong.

Yeah. And it's not even like really wrong, meaning like that's so offensive. It's like antichrist. I don't know. It's so far-fetched. But that's just bad doctor joke, not like bad doctor guy, you know? That is – doctors are wild.

Doctors – because in order to become a doctor, you have to be weird. Like there's no – you want to go to school for 100 years, you want to cut people open or you want to grow shit like like i guess in some sense they're healers you want to become a urologist or a fucking ob-gyn like you're fucking you're weird so it is like you you lack the social skills because you do so much time yes not being social yes that you lack social skills i don't i don't i don't know many doctors i don't know know anyone. They got no bedside manner. How about this? My mom recently, my mom is going through the fucking ringer. She got cataract

surgery that didn't work and needed to go back in and get a second cataract surgery. Then she went in on a Tuesday to get her left knee replaced and on the Friday she got her right knee replaced. She is like all fucked up. The first doctor she met, she blames everything. The recovery has gone poorly. The surgery, the hospital did fucked up a bunch of things. The rehab doctor she met, she blames everything because the recovery has gone poorly.

The surgery, the hospital fucked up a bunch of things. The rehab center is fucking up a bunch of things. The first doctor she went to was Dr. Murphy. And as they were talking, he goes, you know, Murphy's law. And that's the one that anything that can go wrong will. And everything has gone wrong since then. If you are Dr. Murphy, you can't be saying Murphy's Law to people. That's like the Arrested Development Doctor.

You know, like you can't be saying these things to fucking people. Come on, dude. Murphy's Law. And guess what? Everything fucking went wrong, dickhead. Yeah, I mean doctors are just fucking bizarre people. I was recently – I talk about it on RU Garbage, so I guess we'll talk about it here now. There were some little weird things uh where you weren't allowed

to say i wasn't allowed to say this and that and that so we had to cut it out i did all the live show so uh if you want to see what i don't know maybe someone didn't let us say something this time go go the live show will always feature things that our lawyers or our powers that be don't want to say on the air so you're going to get some behind-the-scenes shit every time you go to the show. But I recently was admitted to the hospital because I was drinking too much because I was partying too fucking hard. Mr. Drinking Guy. And I'm back on the list, by the way.

I can't drink again, so I'm going to suck my dick. But, dude, I don't know if I even told you about this. The doctor I went to see To I saw He He was a Flamboyantly gay man Which

Oh yeah he was the one Who was like You can drink Who I saw I had to go underground To see him And he was just like Yeah you can drink

Start drinking No problem But anyway The I was in the hospital And I was at Lenox Hill On the Upper East Side Which Kelly Keegs Has to be like Oh my, my God, that's the ritziest hotel ever.

That hotel, not hotel, that hospital fucking sucks. Every hospital sucks. Lenox Hill is, like, the nicest hospital in the city. They all suck. Keegs has to be, like, sick flex being in Lenox Hill. What are you talking about? I had to fuck it. My toilet seat was all loose.

It didn't matter because I couldn't shit because I was on so many fucking painkillers. But I didn't dump for like a week. God damn it. Can you get to this story, please? Bro, bro, bro. I was on... Bro, they hit me. I didn't even know what Dilaudid was. They had me on Dilaudid and I was like,

I'm still in pain and they were like, I have pancreatitis. And they were like, we can't give you any more Dilaudid. We can give you morphine, though. And I was like, holy shit. I've been on the stuff above morphine. No wonder there's a cork up my ass. But so I'm in the hospital for a few days, right?

And when I first get admitted, the guy in the room next to me is just a full-on crackhead. And he's doing crackhead things the entire night. Like, just being a goddamn crackhead to the max. I don't know if he's like, you are a crackhead. It sounded like he was ripping apart a table and ripping apart walls looking for, like, copper. And then in the morning, he just ripped out his IV, started bleeding everywhere, and just started walking out. And we were right outside the nurse's station. So, like, it was actually funny.

It was like a cartoon where he got, like, one step out the door. It was like, get back in there! And he turned around, walked in, put on his jacket, picked up his backpack that he'd forgotten, walked out again. Get back in there! Turns around, walks in, just kind of forgets that he's already walked out twice and starts walking out again. And I just said, hey, man, have some conviction.

They can't stop you because I wanted the room to myself. And so he gets out finally. They pull back the curtain because I'm not sharing a room with anyone. He had been doing exactly what it sounded like. I nailed it. Crackhead shit. He's tearing it apart. He'd been just tearing apart a table all night.

So that was the really ritzy hospital I was at. But after my second day there, doctors don't wear white coats like you think they do. I thought doctors all wear white coats because that's what they do in movies. They don't. They don't wear white coats. So I can do. I thought doctors all wore white coats because they do in movies. They don't. They don't wear white coats. So I can't tell who's who and what's what. So this fucking doctor comes in on day two. I had my vitals taken.

They take your vitals every fucking three hours. They fucking wake you up and take your vitals. It's very frustrating. And they do the blood pressure, do the fucking thermometer, do the fucking oxygen level, whatever, on your finger. And the doctor comes in, and I said, what's up, bro? Because he was a young-looking guy in scrubs. I don't know. I didn't think he'd earn my respect. So I said, what's up, bro?

This guy went to school for like 12 years, spent like half a million dollars to be called doctor, and you call him bro. You're getting my usteds. You're getting my toos. Okay? And he goes, actually, it's Dr. Timmer on. And he's kind of like, you know, the zip zip thing?

Mm-hmm. And I was like, alright, man. I don't fucking care. Whatever it is. Yeah. And because doctors are so fucking weird and because doctors don't like being called bro so fucking much apparently because they've earned the respect and the right

to be called a doctor, I genuinely and truly believe that this doctor told the nurses that they had to start taking my temperature rectally. Because I had my temperature taken like seven times. And every time, guess what?

Thermometer in the mouth. And then one time, guess what happened? The next morning, right after that, the next time they came in, the doctor said, I'm going to take this one up your ass. I said, what are you talking about? Bro, that is the most fucked up shit. Bro. There's no reason a functioning adult

should get the fucking thermometer up their ass. So the first time, I didn't care. I just pulled my pants to the side. I was on the side of the bed like this.

I was like, go ahead. Get in there. And then, and then the second time, everybody knows the spoon position is the best way

to get in the ass. Yeah, that's why I always take it. And she, the second time she comes knows the spoon position is the best way to get in the ass. Yeah, that's why I always take it. And the second time she comes in again, this time she wakes me up to finger my ass. And she. Courtesy, she asked me. I locked eyes while I was at the spoon position again. I locked eyes with a doctor who was watching like a little pervert. I've said his name in the hospital in this episode.

I definitely mispronounced his name, but it's at the hospital and it's little pervert. I've said his name in the hospital in this episode. No, I definitely mispronounced his name, but it's at the hospital and it's something like that. And he's poking, he's peeking around the side and we like lock eyes. He's like,

actually, he doesn't need to do it that way. He doesn't need to do it that way. And he goes, well, do you mind? And it's the morning and I just wanted to get out of there. I said,

whatever gets me the fuck out of here faster. I said, but I wouldn't mind if you would close that door because I was in the bed by the door and then I had to fucking, the curtain was wide open. I said, whatever gets me the fuck out of here faster. I said, but I wouldn't mind if you would close that door. I was in a bed by the door. And then I had a fucking, the curtain was wide open. But I wouldn't mind if you closed the bed or

fucking maybe closed the door or maybe closed that curtain. And in the middle of the curtain she shoved it up my ass. Which, I think she expected to get a reaction. But she didn't. She'd put lube on something that was this thick to pen with. And guess what, sweetheart?

You're going to try a lot harder than that if you want to shock me up my ass. Bro, that was like playing Operation. She wasn't touching the sides. She's not even touching the sides of that one. She was lubeing that thing up. I was like, that's a waste of lube, lady. Just fucking get it in. Don't worry. As long as you want to just spit on it. That snaps the glove.

Oh, God. Last voicemail. Let's go. Oh. Would you just fucking give me a loogie, lady? Dude, the other guy who came in after the crackhead, the guy who was next to me in the hospital, I was panicking it was going to be a stoolie

because it would fucking suck to have a stoolie in the hospital with me. And it ended up being a Mexican guy who had gout, so it was really best of both worlds. He couldn't speak English or couldn't walk around and tear the walls apart. So it was pretty convenient until they started touching his gout. He had gout in his knee, which I thought you could only get it in your foot. He had gout in his knee. And everyone kept just touching this poor fucker's knee.

Like, where does it hurt? Here? And he would. I felt like I had security cameras on me Where someone was trying to get me in trouble The way this guy would yell Because he sounded Like the most stereotypical Mexican guy

He sounded like a cartoon Mexican man It was fucked up Every time He kept me up all night Walk in And the nurse would be like Maybe a doctor Would come in

And be like Where's a hurt would come in and be like, where's her right here? And he'd go, and I was like, I was in my bed watching Ford vs. Ferrari because they have movies at hospitals now. Yeah, they do. Just biting my thumb.

Like, this guy's got to be fucking getting me over there. Fucking Speedy Gonzales type shit. Let her rip. I'm trying to open it in quick time. You need to play it off the computer. Yeah. What up, chicken heads? Okay, it's like 2 a.m. and I'm on the shitter, so...

This is what I expect more. Not a girl's video. Video, voicemail, whatever the fuck this is. Guys, I'm on the shitter so um figure I'd do it this is what I expect more video voicemail what you put my face on here we done you're never gonna want to do this shit again anyways uh

this this has been some times like in my life where I've been down bad. Right now, 2 a.m. on a fucking shitter. So I think the question basically is... Yeah, I'm high as balls, by the way. Fuck, I forgot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's the strangest place you ever jerked off in? You might have done this before. But strangest place you've jerked off in. And did you finish? I mean, that's important. Like, did you come? Bro, you know what would be super weird is to jerk off somewhere and not come. To be like, all right, I'm in the middle of, like, Fairway Grocery Store.

I'm just going to jerk off for, like, a little bit and put it away. Just a quick five minutes. Yeah, and just put it back. See how fucking hard I can get and not come. To be like, alright, I'm in the middle of a fairway grocery store. I'm just going to jerk off for a little bit and put it away. Yeah, and just put it back. See how fucking hard I can get and go back to the fucking pasta aisle. Where's the place you jerked off? Imagine being so goddamn high at 2am taking a dump on the toilet

and go, I hope on the toilet. Wonder where Fife and Kevin come from. Yeah. People want to know. I mean, that means that guy just came, right? That guy was pooping and came and was like, this is kind of weird. I wonder where John and Kevin have ever done this. I think mine

is probably going to be, I think it's I-89. Yeah, at the Bell Parkway. Wait, no, it's not then. No, no, no, I'm saying for me, it's the Bell Parkway. Yeah, it's where we were driving in the car. Like, coming in the car has got to be it, right? God, that was not my proudest fap. It was either the BQE or the FAP.

Nope, I ate at his in New Hampshire. Wait, where's I? Are you saying you're not sure of the? Yeah, no, not that I did it twice. Okay. Well, I don't know. Maybe. There's one time in particular, I'm pretty sure it was the Belt Parkway, and I was just stuck in traffic.

And it was either that or, like, murderous road rage. So I actually probably saved a life by cranking one out. But, boy, was that despicable. I can't figure it out. Also, like, inappropriate showers, I would say. Like, I feel like you shower at, shower at your girlfriend's parents' house. You jump off in the shower. Yeah.

Is that even inappropriate? I don't think so. I think as long as you're in a bathroom, it's an appropriate place to come. I guess so. I think a shower is even more appropriate. If you're over your in-laws, whether or not you're married, let's say you're over your in-laws sink jerking off. I don't have the fucking.

The shame. No, like the ability. I don't like jerking off standing up. So if I'm jerking off, it's like it's someone's bathroom. I'm sitting on a can. Do you then just point it down? Not down, but forward. How big is the toilet?

How small is your dick? Well, it's no, it's like I wouldn't be able to get it down. It would just hit C. So it's kind of like, just angle it so it's almost like you're trying to pop a shot. You know what I'm thinking of? Do you remember that game where you shoot, like, cannons? Like, how fucking, like, let's say it's like this. You know what I'm talking about?

You can't get that into a toilet. Tank war? Tank war, where it's like that Tank tank war tank You can angle the thing yeah, you got to go really So you're like yeah You basically shoot it at your chin and hope that it just goes up and down into the toilet Yeah, that is some risky be well like oh, but also I'm not even going to the toilet I'm just like going it's like hits the seat. That's fine. I'll just wipe it off the seat. Yeah, that's crazy.

You're just coming on the floor in the seat and stuff? I'll just kind of scoot back and just point down. I don't think I'd say this is the toilet. You just kind of go like that. Bro, I'll have those kind of reaction times. When I come, I'll come where I come. When I come, I'll come where I come. That's a quote.

When I come, I'll come where I come. And that's a valid point, John. That's a good warning for people. Like, when I cum, I cum where I cum. When I cum, I cum where I cum. That's just it. I won't make any effort to keep my semen in control. This is the thing about the male orgasm, people,

is that it's so fleeting that if I spend my fucking nanosecond of ecstasy trying to fucking get up on a toilet And it's over. And that's not the point. I didn't really have any fun at any point of that. That fucking flash in the pan Gone. I'm worried about coming.

I'm just gonna come where I come. Come where I come come just dump it dumping loads bro just dumping loads goodness interview time this is a long podcast um we got two unbelievable interviews we got bobby lee for the very first time uh who it's crazy that it's taking this long to get bobby on the show you know him from uh bad friends with cheeto and uh all of his work in ho. One of the funniest guys out there. And we also got Ricky Velez who, a New York guy

working with Judd Apatow now has his first HBO special. So, two really really quality comics on the show. And somebody tweeted this the other day and I'm happy that we got the recognition. I'll put our show against any show in the fucking world when it comes to getting comics on the air.

I would agree with that. And the only ones that contend with us are like the comics and their friends. Like Joe Rogan and fucking, you know... I mean, if you want to run through who I almost tweeted our schedule. But like, this week we had

Jessica Kerr, Rachel Feinstein, Bobby Lee, Daniel Sloss, Sam Murill. In a week. In one week. That would be a good year. Ricky Velez, Gary Goldman, Whitney Cummings. That's this week. That's this week, bro.

That's, like, ten of the top 20. That's fucking nuts. That's a pretty fucking smash list. I mean, it's the number one podcast in the world when it comes to getting, like, all of the comics on. Because even the guys, like, they had their friends on, but they're not going to do everybody we're gonna do fucking everybody it's the premier podcast for comics and interviews so let's get into a bobby lee and ricky velez it's brought

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for free. Go to simplysafe.com slash KFC Radio, and you can get 20% off your entire new system when you get the monitoring service. You get the first month for free, 20% off the interactive monitoring at SimpliSafe.com slash KFC Radio. Let's talk to Bobby Lee on KFC Radio. There he is. Bobby, what's up, brother? Yo, man.

Are we on? Yeah, we he is. What's up, brother? Yo, man. Are we on? Yeah, we're on. Let's do it. Look at that beautiful smile of yours. Is this live or is this you guys recording? No, no, we're recording.

Oh, can you swear? Is it Christian? Yeah, it's Christian in the sense that we talk about like jerking off a lot and a lot of repressed weird depression shit. Yeah.

Oh. All right, good. So I could say whatever I want or? Literally. What's on your mind right now? What were you about to say that you thought you maybe couldn't say on our podcast

that you had to check? Well, first thing I want to say is out between the two of you, the guy with the mustache. Who would you fuck first? The cutest one. Wait, who is? No, the guy with the guy with the 1950s mustache.

Yeah, bitch! Yeah, bitch! No, that's just my preference, though. Yeah, your preference is being right, Bobby. I get it, brother. Yeah, I mean... It still hurts to not be your preference, Bobby. Fuck.

I mean, I'd rather be everybody's preference. But in terms of like, I think he's better natured than you. He looks like a baker. A baker? Yeah, like in the 1950s, he would be a baker. And then you look like, what? No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry to interrupt. Please continue. What are your names

again? I forgot. I'm Kevin. John. So John's the baker that you want to fuck kevin's the one and what am i and you are if in the 1940s and 1950s you would be like one of the guys that helped um build the atomic bomb oh wow i'll fucking take that see i had him i had kevin pegged and i think it's because kevin looks very ir. I had him pegged as kind of a shady police chief who goes around as a little too liberal with the Billy Bat, if you will. Okay.

All right. Either way. I think I just saw Giggs in New York recently again. Kevin looks like he'd fit in that cop thing, which I don't know what year that was. No, he looks like a 1950s LAPD, actually. Yeah. Like, middle-stage. Like, I was on patrol down in Compton, and we don't 1950s LAPD, actually. Yeah. Like, middle-stage.

Like, I'm on patrol down in Compton, and we don't know what he's doing, but something very shady. We're getting a little too close to police brutality, and you look like a guy who would beat a minority in the streets. I don't know. Kevin's eyes are so blue, he says the N-word. Goodness gracious. Where are you guys located we are in new york we are in new york oh you are awesome dude we uh you you're an la guy right yeah but i go to new york

like once a month now oh really yeah how is this our first time linking up i was gonna say this is kind of you're like the last uh the last box to check, if you will. Like in the past few years, our show has really started leaning into just having a lot of the comedians as our guests. But also like we used to – Asa used to be a host on this show. Yeah. Like Asa was a co-host with us for like probably a year. I don't know how she didn't bring Bobby in. That was bullshit.

Oh, no, Asa. You guys know Asa? Yeah, she was a co-host on the show. She was our third chair for like a couple years. That was – oh, yeah. No, you guys know Asa? Yeah, she was a co-host on the show. She was our third chair for a couple years. Oh, yeah. I remember now. Yeah, those are you guys. Yeah, that was us.

So I interviewed her for a one-on-one podcast, and we had incredible chemistry right away. And then we had a third member of our show leave, and we needed a new person. I was like, I mean, let's slide her in. She fit in perfectly here. Yeah. She was awesome for us. Yeah, she's amazing. I love her so much.

Have you always been a West Coast guy? Have you always been a West Coast guy? Fuck. Fuck. Relax, dude. Yeah. Whatever, dude. No, yeah, I was born in San Diego, and then I've been in L.A. for about almost 26, 27 years.

Oh, yeah, so you're just soft as fuck now, Bobby. You're just fucking L.A. soft now. I'm very soft, my friend. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. I'm soft as hell. I've been soft. I wish I was soft.

Yeah, I've probably been in, I mean, 20 fights in my lifetime, and none of my punches have landed. Wait, did you say that like it's a low number? What? That's so many fights. Did you say that like it's low? Oh, many fights. Yeah. How many fights have you guys have been in?

Like two? Yeah. You've been in 20 fights, Bobby Lee. Well, I've always been in 20 fights, Bobby Lee. I've always been in situations where I kind of stood up for myself. And then I swing like this. I've always been knocked out. Or Shafir beat me up.

Yeah, that's right. You guys had a thing, right? Yeah. I've had a lot of comics kind of punch me and stuff like that. What was that about? I don't think we've ever told that story on this show. I actually just found out about it recently. I was watching that – what was that show like? I Can't Believe This Should Happen or whatever it was called.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Why did you guys fight? Well, I'm a neo-Nazi. So he's a neo-Nazi. There's a Jew. There's a conflict. The story is pretty long, but I could kind of give you a vague description. You know, Ari and I used to be best friends back in the day. And then he used to date a woman by the name of Natasha Leggero.

Do you know who that is? Yes. Who is she? she was on our show as well a couple uh a few months ago she did an animation yeah yeah yeah yeah fucking asshole you don't really know who she is fuck you yeah so um natasha um they used to live together maybe people don't know that but they used to date and um i used to be on a show called mad tv and we had this canadian guy on mad tv his name was ron peterson and i brought him to the comedy store one day and he saw natasha performing in the belly room which is one of the rooms at the comedy store and he goes oh i want to i want to And I go, yeah, but she's living with my friend Ari, right?

And I left him there because I had to do a show downstairs. Meanwhile, he gets her number and her information, right? And then weeks go by and I run into him. He's like, oh, yeah, you know what I mean? I'm like seeing that girl. And I go, there's no way because she's living with Ari. He goes, she left. Right?

And then what happened was Ari calls me crying. You know what I mean? You know how Jews cry. That's wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's not good. But no, they're strong, good people.

I love them. And they rep good people. I love them. And they rep me, so I love it. But at the, so Ari calls me crying and he goes, she loved me. And I go,

and he goes, did you introduce them? Is it your fault? I go, fuck no, dude. I told him. And then he goes, well, to prove

that you didn't set them up, I need you to do me a favor. I go, whatever, buddy. Fucking kill him. He needs to break into Ron's office at Mad TV, at Fox Studios, and steal his emails and then, like,

for them to me. And I go, all of them? He goes them because no just the ones between him and natasha and i go i'm not breaking into the guy's office to do that what am i ethan hunt that's that bobby's fucking guy he's propelling down from the ceiling with all right here's what i need you to do. Commit corporate espionage. Yeah. Don't worry. It'll only be like 7 to 10 if you get caught.

It's fine. No big deal. Wow, what a dramatic little bitch Ari was, huh? Yeah. Fuck. So I go, I'm not doing that. Then he goes, he was so emotional. And he liked her so much.

And he just basically said, it's your fault then. That's bullshit. You're a public enemy number one so like a couple days later I was at the comedy store and I was checking in

because when you check in at a comedy club you have to go to the the booth right the ticket booth and you just go I'm here

because they do the lights and they do all that stuff and then as soon as I did that I just I was on the ground did you sucker punch I just – I was on the ground. Did he sucker punch you? Yeah, I was on the ground. He kicked me in the face like 30 times.

Get out of here. How bad was it? I was bleeding from my face, man, and I was like – and I went up on stage that way. I, like, performed. I swear to God, I went up on stage and I go – I was concussed or something. I go, Dukka, did you beat me up? You know what I mean? I was like – there was no jokes.

I just kind of like made an announcement. Are you fucking with us right now? That's actually happened? You went on stage? Because I knew about that, but I didn't know you went on stage. Yeah, yeah. And then every week, the next two weeks in a row, he physically assaulted me. The next week,

he strangled me in the hallway. And then the third week, I was in the parking lot and he punched me from behind again. I don't think I'm giving proper reactions to this story because I can't tell if you're being serious because I know Ari lies all the time

and I can't tell if you're doing the same thing. Well, first of all, you said the show't tell if you're doing the same thing. Well, I mean, first of all, you said the show, right? The Comedy Central show. Yeah. Called This Is Not Happening. Right. Right. Hold that story. Like when they had the internet version of that show,

they did this line. Me, Steve, Renna Zizzi, you know, Ari, and Natasha went on stage to tell the story. Fucking nuts. And you guys are all cool now? And you know Steve Renna Zizzi, how honest he is. So you know what I mean?

He's the guy who lied about being a 9-11. What? He was there. Come on, man. He was there at Pearl Harbor. I was there, Come on, man. He was there at Pearl Harbor. No, honestly, I was there, and I was. I was in the plane.

No, but, yeah, so that happened. So, yeah, I've been in a lot of fights. Now, wait. This all stemmed from you being the fucking tough guy on the block who beats everyone up. Apparently. Are you cool with Ari now? Oh, yeah. He came over to my house maybe two weeks ago and we did some yoga.

Does anybody have a longer leash with people than Ari? He can beat you up. He can drug you. He can do fucking whatever. And the comedy community just keeps welcoming him back. It's crazy. Yeah, I know. He shit on my car.

You know that, right? No. I don't know that. I don't know that, Bobby. I don't know that he shit on your car. I'll tell you what's making me nervous is we had Ari in two times in, like, one month recently. And usually whenever we do these, like, it's, like, six months later or next year. And I said to Ari, like, you were just here a minute ago and, like, you came back. And I appreciate it because he's always a good guest. But I was like, why are you here? He's like, I said to Ari like you were just here a minute ago and like you came back and I appreciate it because he's

always a good guest but I was like why are you here he's like I just I like your show like I just wanted to come on and I was like oh wow cool now I'm like I don't know you get too close to Ari he's gonna shit on you or kill you or something no no no no he's a good guy what a cherry

on top of this sundae he's fucking the best I mean that would take a lot for me to forgive What a cherry on top of this sundae. He's fucking the best. He's an awesome guy. That would take a lot for me to forgive. Everyone has character defects. Yeah. Everyone has what?

Everyone has character defects. He just has massive ones. Mine are I drink too much, Bobby. Not I shit on cars and assault people. Oh, I... Yeah, but he... One time he saved up his poo and then he put poo...

You know how your handle in your car? So he put it in the handle. Oh, that's diabolical. It's diabolical. So when you open it, my fingers went into poo. And I knew it was standing like i went sorry you motherfucker yeah you motherfucker and so i got in the car i'm like

i gotta get home to wash this stuff out and so i see a little poo in the um the front window there of my car so i go you know what i'm gonna put the fucking um the windshield on and he had put all the poo on that get the fuck that is actually that is truly diabolical he's like I'm gonna put a little a little spot

so you use your your windshield wipers but it's covered in shit wow what a sick fuck the windshield wiper on it went all over like it was this thing

of brown smudge oh my god then I remember going to 7-Eleven and um you guys know do you have 7-Elevens out there? Yeah.

I went and found a homeless guy and I go, hey, how much do I need to give you to clean shit off my car? I went and bought Windex and paper towels and he looks at me and goes, $100. Even that guy has fucking high dollars.

A nickel would have been happy with it but this guy saw the car and he was just like this is so much how much did he save up Jesus fucking Christ man he had two comics also poo in the bag which I don't even know how

mercenary shitters what a legacy it is to leave where like you touch your car handle and you get shit on your hands. And you immediately go, fucking Ari. You're in a city of millions of people. It could have been any homeless guy. It could have been a homeless guy that you offered 20 bucks earlier. You low-balled him.

He's pissed about it. He's like, I'm going to shit on that guy's car. And you just knew. You knew from the fucking feel of the shit. Fucking Ari shit got me. God damn. What is Barstool Sports? What?

What's Barstool Sports? It's the company we work for. It is. It's like a fucking, I don't know, we do fucking. It started out as a newspaper in Boston, just kind of like the free giveaway on the subway. And then the founder, Dave Portnoy, put it on the internet just as a blog, and then he expanded into different cities. So I was the first expansion into New York.

So we used to just be a blog. We just wrote blog posts, and then that spiraled into podcasts and video, and now it's just like a media company all over the place. A media company? Yeah. And you guys talk about sports on the show? A lot of the guys do. We don't. I mean, we're sports fans, but we talk about just random shit.

A lot of the shows here are focused on gambling and picks and fantasy and all the sports shit. Yeah, we've kind of become persona non grata at this company. Yeah, our time here of become Persona non grata, this company. Yeah, we... Our time here is numbered, for sure. It's basically like the company's all going this direction and we're going this way.

They're turning into like a billion dollar gambling empire and we're over here taking like calls about your dick. Let's talk about R. Shafir's shit. That'll put asses in the seats. Unbelievable, man. Yeah, Bobby, what'd you think

of the Dodgers game last night? Give us your take on it. Because when I read the email, I was like, I don't know anything about sports. No, I needed to wait. That's why we're not going to have a job here soon. No, we do. I mean, like, I have my teams that I root for, so I know about them. But a lot of the guys here are gambling and making picks,

so they know, like, they're watching every fucking game, every sport, because they got money on the line and they're, you know. I just know my, I get weird about my three or four teams. That's it. I think even people, I think people in cities, in major cities that have sports teams like to pretend they're a fan of all four sports teams. People like two teams. Yeah, you have one or two that you really follow.

And then you like all, you know, I'm rooting for all of them. But, like, teams I follow and can tell you all about, two of them. Yeah. Are you not a sports fan at all? Well, I mean, the only sports that I like is sports that Americans generally don't like. I mean, I'm a huge fan of the EPL. I mean, Premier League. Who's your team?

I'm an Arsenal fan. Oh, so you know Troops? You know who Troops is? Yeah. Troops works here. No. Yeah. Wait, wait.

He lives in England, though, right? Yeah. He's back and forth between both, but we'll hire anybody anywhere if they are. Wait, wait, wait. So you physically know Troops? Yeah. He's unbelievable. He calls me Bargain Bucket.

My initials are KFC, and so that was kind of my internet moniker, and I was arguing with him about the Super League, and I was arguing against him, and so he calls me Bargain Bucket, and the crowd goes wild for it. When he says it with his voice too, even I'm laughing at myself. That's insane because someone like Troops, because I watch Arsenal fans on the internet, and it's like him, he's like a mythological creature to me.

So just the thought that you guys know him is just so exciting. If you said, I know Sean Connery, I wouldn't care. But someone like Troops is like, wow, that's such a weird person to know. He's nice. He's awesome. He's the best. And he is one of the most naturally funny. Once you learn how to speak Troops, that accent and and his slang is like i i pick up every like

third word but once we got going i mean he is so fucking funny and his passion man you think you you you might think you're a sports fan and you see someone like him oh yeah i mean he's an fan through and through right i mean it's the most you know he'll tell you that his kids are more important but i don't think they are i think arsenal is the most important thing in the world to him he's a fucking nut no i mean i love arsenal so much it's like i would like um i mean i would probably do gay things with them no i'll be real like there's certain players i would i like i fit in my head I'm like, oh, yeah. Who's the number one Arsenal player or EPL player you would blow?

Give us a top 13. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody that's on the team now or somebody that was once on the team? Whoever you really, really want to blow. Yeah, either one. I would probably Thierry Henry. I mean, he's a legend. And one time,

I was shooting, so I was in New York, I was shooting a movie there. It was in the movie, I had a couple of scenes in The Dictator. And I was at the hotel and this is when Henri was playing for the Red Bulls, right? And I was in the elevator, I was in the hotel, and this is when Henri was playing for the Red Bulls, right? And I was in the elevator.

I was in the elevator. And I'm a diehard Arsenal fan. He walks into the elevator, right? And I start trembling, right? I start trembling. And I wanted to get things out, like, can I get a photo? Or, you know, can I suck your dick? Or whatever.

Whichever. You know, but I get a photo? Or, you know, can I suck your dick? Or whatever. Whichever. You know, but what do those do? And he just leaves the fucking hotel. Like, he leaves the elevator. The door closes. I literally look down on my penis. I'm not hard, but there's a little smudge at the tip of it. No!

You had some pre-cum for Thierry Henry? No, it could have been pee. Yeah. It could have been pee. It could have been sweat, right? But it also could have been cum. I didn't go down and smell it, you know what I mean? Oh, my God.

You got a little smudge? That's a tip smudge for a guy. I love how you're like, I don't like no sports. You just said you pre-came for fucking just looking at an ad. You looked at a soccer player and you either pissed shit or you pissed or came yourself.

It's, I mean, I pee myself all the time. So I, I would know my pee drips are a little, a little lower than my cum drips. But,

but I'm a guy, I'm always pissing myself. It's, it's a, are you a dripper? Oh, not, I'm not, it's not even a dripper, Bobby. I am a dripper. I'm just lazy.

He doesn't stop. He puts his dick back in his pants before he's done peeing. I'm a non-shaker. He doesn't shake. Oh, bro, bro, bro, bro. You and I are the same. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why.

Because the head of my penis is beginning to smell bad. It's what? I have to say it again? Yeah, I didn't really hear you. I think you said it's beginning to smell bad. The head of my penis is beginning to smell bad.

I want to be clear for a second. You and I are not the same. You got a stinky penis. Are you cut or uncut? No, that's the deal. I wanted to tell you guys something, okay? So I think that I'm cut, okay? Weird.

But I think that all the years of like, when I jerk off, it's rageful. You know what I mean? I just do it like in a – yeah, yeah, like in a rage. Yes. Squeeze it too tight. And I think over the years, I've stretched the skin. So it's – just hear me out.

You re-circumcise yourself. Right? And now it's like I'm uncut. Yeah, you've given yourself a hood. Yeah. Now the skin, because the skin is so elastic, it goes over the head, right? And because I drip, I don't drip in the toilet. I let things leak.

Now there's a fucking enclosure, right? And the pee goes inside the little enclosure, right? And it kind of ferments it. I don't know what the – it pickles it. It pickles it. What a great word for it. Yeah. It pickles it up.

It pickles it. Oh, my God. So my penis head is pee pickled. If Bobby Lee's penis pickled pee, how many peeny pickles could bobby lee's penis holy shit i love how you like what what you didn't want your girl to hear you talking about that no i get when i get enthusiastic i gotta get close okay all right good i was gonna say because i know i know you you know you're on the show with kalilah and you guys are like you do content

together and everything i was like i was about to say i don't think there's anything that you would not say in front of her is there oh no that she knows everything she's heard it all like you guys are you guys married i'm divorced no i am not married i can tell i spent too much time in the bakery bobby i have time for a woman in my life no a lot of like it's like hey i have an itch in my butthole. What is it? And I'll just spread it over my cheek. Yeah, you guys are like – I honestly have said this before about you two is like you're – I'm not usually one of like the – like I don't want to poop in front of my girlfriend. I don't want to like leave the door open sort of thing.

I don't – that's not my style. But also I've seen just how open you guys are with each other, and it's like, that might be the fucking key to it, because you seem like the happy couple. No, I don't. No, I mean, I think there needs to still be some mystery

there. And I think, like, you know, her and I shit in front of each other. We just rip farts, you know what I mean? In the morning. And I think when you constantly do that over years, you know what I mean, I think it does affect

the relationship in a weird way. I mean, we're still intimate and we still do those things, but it's like, I wish we didn't do it. You know what I mean?

It just makes it hard. Right? It's hard to put that toothpaste back in the tube. Yeah, once you see that. Can you stop farting in front of me? That's the Matrix shit.

It's like what the type of people are like, man, look at my poo. You know what I mean? Doesn't that look like Humphrey Bogart or whatever? Oh, my God. I don't think that – if I had to do it over again, I mean we're still together. But if you had to do it over again, I'd probably not do that as much. But, yeah. Let's keep the asshole itching to ourselves.

How about that? Don't you guys think, though? Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. I've always. But I'm too repressed. I don't share enough. I could use a little bit more of you, you know, meet me halfway. Yeah, I think if the three of us became one person.

Oh, boy, that's a fucking horror story. I think, first of all, we'd be pretty goddamn. No, you're not into it? No, perfect. Oh, perfect. All right. Then you're like, fuck no, man. You psychos, no.

What do we want to take from each of us to make our Frankenstein here? Oh, that's very good. I'd take Bobby's hair, for sure. Bobby's hair, John's mustache. No offense, we're not doing your dick. Not Bobby's dick. Let's talk about our personality and who we are first. Well, boy, then we got slim pickings over here, Bobby.

Throw yours in, so you go first. Oh, man. Can you pick for me? Nope. No, no, no. You know who you are. No, I don't. No.

Bobby, see, now we've become a very different show where I don't know one redeeming attribute I have that I could throw into the potluck here. Pardon. Yeah. This is tough. Like I'm not nice. Well, I'm kind, but I don't like – You're not friendly. I don't know things.

I'm not going to remember your birthday. I'm the friend who, like, I'll talk to you once a year and you'll have a fun time, but I'm not going to call you and see how you're doing and shit like that. I will privately wonder, like, huh, I wonder how they are, but I won't take that extra step to make them reach out. So that's a bad person. Or how about this? We'll do the opposite. We'll create a monster.

Yeah. So let's talk about our defects. All right. Is that easier? Yeah. Lead us off, John. I'll start. I'll start.

Okay. I'll start. I'm a liar. Ooh. Well, are you a liar? Now, okay. Is it pathological? Like, you lie, like, in a –

like, I'll lie about just little silly things sometimes just for the sake of lying, but will you lie about something to, like, tear it down, like i'll lie about just little silly things sometimes just for the sake of lying but will you lie about something to like tear it down like burn it down lies yeah i'll go from top to bottom like you know hey did you see that movie i'll be like i love it i never saw it right like that yeah i'll do shit like natasha laguerre i know where it is or like if i ran over somebody like you know me in the car and i drove away lie about that as well yeah well see here's i i appreciate you using a word here and it's an l word and it's liar because that word isn't used enough anymore, Bobby. We've reached this fucking threshold in humanity where women in particular have learned two particular words. And they accuse all men of being them.

And we get too much credit now for being masterminds. We're all manipulators and gaslighters. Gaslight. No, I just told you a basic lie. I just lied. That's it. I'm not a fucking criminal mastermind. I'm not a fucking cartoon villain.

I just lied to you. It's not like something I've been planning for months to slowly lie. It's just like I just made up one thing because I didn't want to hear it from you. He's a fucking gaslighter. No, I didn't fucking dim the oil lights for months on end and pretend that I saw perfectly. I told you I was at home when i was at the bar that's what happened yeah women that were like moriarty or something yes right like like in the shadows and we have like or minions you know what else they say uh narcissistic is a big

one too where it's like well we're talking about like how i feel so yeah it's gonna come across like i'm talking about myself what the fuck i'm a liar there's only two people in this relationship where you're gonna talk about you and talk about me it's so funny you say that because um two years ago i had i went to uh a place in arizona where they had like 100 of the best like psychiatrists and therapy when it comes to like trauma therapy and like that. And I was there for a month. So I was evaluated 12 hours a day by all these professionals. And I went there because I wanted to know if I was a narcissist, right? And after I was done, they do a review.

You're in a room with like 30 psychologists and therapists and stuff. And they determined that I'm the opposite of a narcissist. Really? But my girl still calls me a narcissist. I have been clinically declared the opposite of that by a panel of doctors, but you still call me a narcissist. Which, by the way, if we're being

honest here amongst friends, monster friends that we are, having 30 people evaluate you to decide if you're a narcissist sounds like the most narcissistic thing in the whole world. Hey, you 30, you panel of people as you describe it, study me and

find out if I'm a narcissist or not. Alright, so what do we pick? So you're a liar. We can all go in a circle because we have a bunch. So the first one I want to say is liar. I am a viciously like grass is always greener type.

That mentality is always in my head. Like I'm not good enough. I want what they have is bigger, better. That show is better than mine. That guy is bigger, better. That show is better than mine. That guy is better than me. That relationship is better than mine. All that shit. So I'm always, like, wanting something else

rather than just, like, being happy with what I have. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Boy. Suicidal ideations is one. And then, but I'm also violent, but it's to myself. Like, I don't cut myself, but I hit myself all the time. I'll hit my fucking legs or I'll headbutt walls a lot.

A lot? A good amount. You do this at home? Home and in cabs, mostly. Okay, cabs. Watch out if you're an Uber driver in New York picking up a red-haired mustachioed man. I'm never going to hit someone else unless they really deserve it, but I'm violent to inanimate objects and people named John Henry Feidelberg.

Well, we got ourselves a monster already. We got ourselves a lying, unsatisfied, violent little monster, man. Okay, I spend days, I spend at least six hours a day fantasizing about revenge fantasies. Late at night

when I go to sleep, I think about how I can get revenge on a bunch of people and I go in detail about it. But I feel like when you spend that much time doing revenge fantasies, eventually in a different time period in life,

maybe I would have actually done those things. I'm a very jealous person, basically, is what I'm saying. See, now that's reminding me of another it's the exact opposite attribute, so these two are going to mix like oil and water but mine is apathy, where I wish I fucking cared to get revenge on someone. But you could run my leg over with a tractor and I'd apologize.

I'd be like, I'm sorry. That shouldn't have been there. It's cool. Don't worry about it. We're good. Yeah, you guys are two opposites in that regard. John has never come up with a revenge plot in his life, and he should have, like, dozens of them.

What's been your – Wait, real quick. What's your most – what's your best revenge fantasy? Your most satisfying one. And why are you doing it to Ari Shaffir? Is it because of the shit or because – No. It's not Ari, no.

Okay, so one time I was on a show a couple of years ago. I was on a sitcom. And it was called Splitting Up Together with years ago, I was on a sitcom. It was called Splitting Up Together with Jenna Fisher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, I was getting divorced when that show first came out. They choose to stay in the house together, right? Yeah. And I remember thinking, I'm like,

is this an actual idea? Because I had kids and shit. I was like, can we just stay in this house, but I get to live my old life? And then I was like, no, there's a reason why this is a TV show. This shit's not real. Okay, I'm probably the only person in the world who knows that show, but go on. Yeah. So I was like, you know, the neighborhood gook. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I come here with, hi, I'm gook number one, and whatever. You know what I mean? But the only reason why I was happy to get the show, and the only reason why I wanted a show, because here in L.A., there's a street called Barham, right, where every actor has to just drive by. And on the side of Barham is Warner Brothers. And on Warner Brothers, they have these big billboards on the side of the building of sitcoms that are about to come out right and the whole point of getting on the show was so that i can get on the billboard not you know i mean not to brag just to so that other actors and comedians could feel jealous that i was on a show and then when

they didn't put me on the billboard i went on a fucking month depression and i remember i go don't put me on any billboard except for the billboard that's on billboard. You know what I mean? I don't care about any of them. You know what I mean? This is nothing but revenge. Oh, man. You couldn't be like, put the Asian guy on.

You need the Asian guy on the billboard. I achieved success for one fucking reason. I'll work for free. Just get me on that goddamn billboard. I love spite success. Spite success is the best success. Yeah, but the spite to me, like I'm too driven by spite.

I don't know what the word is for that, but I got too much hate in my heart and spite in my heart. The only reason I am on this show, the only reason I have, is because one time, Bobby Lee, in 2011, an internet commenter told me that I'd made a bad career choice

and I'll never have a 401k. Guess who has a 401k now? You do! They don't match it, but I got one! It's basically just a bank account. You're putting money away that you're not allowed to touch. Yeah, yeah.

It's just letting someone else hold money for me then they're gonna fucking charge me a huge fee if I fucking need it before I turn dead I think spite and hate's a good motivator but then whatever it's called when that's too much of the reason why you do it that's what I am for sure spite monster over here. Yeah.

I mean, I have positive things too. I think we went on the negative because you don't have anything. Yeah, we're pathetic bags of trash. But we all have one positive about you. Well, so that's why I'm saying physically I have a nice smile. You give one about me and I'll give one about you.

We can do that to each other. We can't say it about ourselves. I don't even know if I have I don't know if I want to know what you think. You are – Kevin is there for you. Kevin is – if anyone ever needs Kevin – Kevin is the opposite of what I said I am. I'll think about you, but I won't reach out. Kevin is always – Kevin is a great leader and a great communicator and a very nice person who will talk to you and help you through tough times.

Not to just turn this into a dick-sucking fest, but you do that for me too. You reach out more than I do. I do it for one single person. That's all I got. For you, I will help you. Anyone else, fucking die in a fire. I don't give a shit. John has the uncanny ability to, I mean, as much as he's saying he's doing this show because of an internet commenter,

the uncanny ability to tune every fucking person out that doesn't matter. Where so many people in the world care what other people think, John doesn't give a shit. This is what I use as my toxic trait. He's describing apathy. I don't fucking care about you. But you know, like I hate when people you know, there's so much it's like, yeah, listen, the internet's a tough place and there's bad commenters and bad trolls

and all that shit, but so many people cry about it and when we should just like fucking beat it, you know, overcome it. John does that. What's good about you? What do you like about yourself, Bobby? Because I get really affected by negative comments and stuff. How do you do that? Don't look at him.

We just talked about this. We just had Rachel Feinstein and Jesse Kersen in here, and we were just talking about this. And, yeah, you just don't look at him. When most people say, like, I don't read the comments, I'm like, yeah, you fucking do. You liar, you know? He has enough self-control to just not check that out.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm the same. It's like being a drug addict or an alcoholic when you know that doing that is going to be bad for you. Yeah, but most of the addicts can't stop touching you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You can stop. You've got that self-control. Yeah, well, I deleted my Twitter app on my phone, and then what I ended up doing

is I would just go on my Safari and just Google Twitter. Log in that way. I never understood. People say that. I got a friend who deletes Twitter and all social media Monday through Friday. And I'm like, that actually helps because I would just go to the website.

And maybe back in the day when you didn't have Face ID and you had to type it in yourself, then it would be a deterrent. I don't have to hit anything. I just go on and it's like, here, your password's all in. How about the people who change the color on their screen? Have you heard of that? How do you do it?

You can go on your display and make your whole shit black and white instead of the nice blue color and the nice this color and that color because Apple has designed their phones to give you the serotonin. I didn't know about this. Apparently if you put your phone in full gray scale you're supposed to like it's not as appealing.

I was just on Twitter in black and white being like mother fuck you. I want to look at my Twitter now. I was going to say that makes sense. I can see that being – I see the logic in it. See, you do dark mode. I do light mode. I'm still a light mode myself. Dark mode, everyone's –

That's Twitter for you. Why? I don't – that's just how it – like, I don't make the change. It's just how it opens up. Right. I'm not going to go – I don't know how to change. I'm sure it's very easy to figure out. If Twitter started in dark mode, I would just leave it in dark mode yeah I just

leave things as they are yeah I don't fix things I don't make things better for me okay this has been a real fucking therapy session here holy moly man I but I feel like you've been in the game so long with acting and comedy and everything that, I mean, how old are you? You're like an ageless, timeless wonder. What? Huh? I'll do it. Yeah.

86. 86. 86. But I feel like you probably had, like, the most experience out of, like, a huge chunk of, you know, that circle. No, I just turned 50 a couple of weeks ago. And how old are you guys? I'm 36. Yeah. 33. Fuck this guy, right?

Yeah. What a baby. Little bitch. But that's crazy, man. I mean, that's like you've got a lot under your belt. I feel like that's a lot of experience and a lot of like shit that you got highs and lows, you know, the whole nine. Yeah. I mean, you know, for me, it's like, you know, I've had so many dark times in this business and stuff like that.

Like I, you know, I got, you know, when I was 30, I got Mad TV. I stayed on it for like maybe seven or eight years. And then after that, it was kind of rough for the next 10 years after that really. Really? You're probably thinking like you've made it at that point too, right? No, I couldn't get anything going. And then you would just see other guys rise. And you kind of would call your agents and go, should I quit?

Should I get out of it? You know what I mean? I'm not happy. You get suicidal. Then one day, I just woke up and said, I'm not going to make this the number one thing. If I'm going to make this the number one thing, I'm going to kill myself.

So I started focusing on, that's when I met Kalilah. You meet your partner and you go on vacations and you just do normal things. I've been in and out of AA, Alcoholics Anonymous. Some years I would be very

into it and do a lot of service work. So you just kind of end up doing other things. And then inevitably what happens is it becomes – I started the podcast, and that kind of reinvented my career. It kind of got me back into Hollywood. Now I'm really busy and stuff, but it's like you can't let it be your life. Well, then you hit a new rock bottom when you decide to work with Chito Santino, and it's just like, well, there's a fucking bad idea, and that fucking

goddamn ginger rat. A weak, white person, you know? No, he really is weak. In fact, you know, if you watch any movie, like, if you watch like, um, Saving Private Ryan, right? You ever see

Saving Private Ryan? Oh, yeah. You know the opening scene, Normandy, they're all going in, Tom Hanks, this and that, right? And in the distance you see a soldier just on fire. That's Anderson. In World War II, he wouldn't have even made it onto

the beach. He would have been the guy on the boat getting shot on the head. You know what I mean? Everything World War II, he wouldn't have even made it onto the beach. He would have been the guy on the boat getting shot on the head. You know what I mean? Everything about that guy is just like, you know, he's so average and dull. You know. Just the most medium man ever. Just as middle of the road as possible.

He's one of my best friends. Was that a odd couple pairing? Was that a natural thing to be like, let's do a podcast together. Me and you are going to be a good fit. I'll be completely honest with you. I'd like to get in. I'll join you

alright so no you can't lean back it's freaking me out what happened was so when I started my podcast Tiger Belly the one that I have with my girlfriend I started with you know an engineer and a producer.

And back then, we made no money. Like, it was six years, seven years ago, and I didn't know how to make money on it. So I just said, if we ever made money, we'll split it four ways. So, what ended up happening is, like, we started making money, and then, like, other

people found out about it that i split it four ways and the number one guy that found out about was joe rogan he found out that i was splitting it four ways and he slammed me against the wall at a comedy club and he put his buff finger on my face even when you're a fucking idiot you know what i mean they're only listening because of you you piece you know me and i, you know, I was sharing it with my girlfriend and these two other guys because they started with me. So I was like, how do I make, you know what I mean, money? So I just went to Andrew and Andrew came to me and we go to start one. You know what I mean?

So that's the only reason why I started a second one. Just because you needed to start fresh with a better business deal? No. I get it. Yep. Yep. Yep get it yep yep yeah man they're still there other guys were like you know it kind of like is their way of making paying rent and buying their car you know surviving and i didn't want to change it you know i mean and so i just kind of started another business. Keep Tiger Belly at the same and go 50-50 with Andrew.

Business is booming though. That show is very fucking funny. It's one of the best pods out there. Well done. Let's talk about the other opportunities here. You're getting into that animated game.

What? Just segue into it in a natural way. Let's pretend we're talking about something else. Let's just segue into it in a natural way. Let's talk about Andrew a little bit more.

He's a really good comic and for a redhead, he's very handsome. He's really fast. He almost and for a redhead, he's very handsome, and he's really fast. He almost looks like a cartoon character, though. He looks ridiculous. It's like an animated character, which you are now involved in a new Netflix series called Inside Job. What a fucking segue. That was fucking amazing.

Brilliant. Did you take improv classes? No. You're a nerd. So, guys, I have to look up the details of this thing. Hold on just a second. I mean, I want to do it right, okay? It comes out on October 22nd.

Yeah, all right, all right. Hold on. Okay. Here we go. Hold on, hold on. Give me a second. All right all right, all right, hold on. Okay, here we go. Hold on, hold on. Give me a second. All right.

What the fuck? Okay, hold on. No, no, we're going to push just a clip of this and that's going to be

the promo. Hang on, what the shit? Fuck. God damn it. So, so, you know,

because things are, so, you know, I'm reoccurring on like Mank and P.I. I reoccur on a new show called Sex and the City, I guess comes out in December. You're on that? Oh, heard of it. Bobby, I'm starting a little show where I've never seen Sex and the City. So I'm going to watch it and give my reviews of the episodes. Love to have you on whenever you want to come on.

Okay. And speaking of that, Troops said he'd love you on have you on whenever you want to come on. Okay, and speaking of that, Troops said he'd love you on a live stream whenever you want. That would be awesome. Wait, wait, when did Troops say? We got a text because we had, like, producers are watching the show, so Troops' producer is watching it, and he said, Troops said come on whenever you want. Okay, first of all, I probably

won't do it because I'm so starstruck by him. Yeah, I mean won't do it because I'm so starstruck by that. Yeah, I mean if you pissed your pants just seeing Thierry Henry, I don't know what would happen if you're hanging out with troops for a whole time. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, so things are good. And a couple of years ago, this woman by the name of Shion, she's the showrunner of Inside Job. She goes, I just want you on the show. The first thing I did was I saw the cast and I saw

Lizzie and Brett and all these Andy Daly and all these people that are on it and I just went, I don't even have to read it. I like the group of people that are in it. Sometimes you do that, right? You go, I like the group and it's like,

sometimes when i read the script i don't understand it anyway you know i don't really don't know what the tone is or whatever so i just kind of go yeah i like the group i'll do it so i've been doing it and um it's one of those things where i never thought it would ever come out because you know what it because you know when you're doing it a show like this it's like yeah, next Tuesday, you'll be in for, like, you know, two hours. You do a bunch of lines. You don't see the animation, really. You're just in the booth, and you do that for years,

and you just don't know what it's going to look like or the context of it. I mean, you know the scenes, and now, you know, I've seen it, and you know, and I just think that it looks great, and it's about sort of the government. We're like kind of a hidden government, you know what I mean,

that really actually runs things. You guys just do 9-11 and stuff? Like a shadow government. You commit 9-11? What do you think of 9-11? What's up? Who do we think? What do I think of it?

Love it. It was the best. No, did you say what do I think of it? Love it. It was the best. No, did you say what do you think of? Well, if I had to pick a day in history that I love the most, it's September 11th. It's the best. I actually met a person on September 12th this year, and I was like, yeah, I was down by Wall Street yesterday. There's so much hullabaloo.

And she was like, did you just hullabaloo 9-11? It's such a silly word to describe such a horrible event. It was a whole hullabaloo. It was a lot of hullabaloo down there. It was. It was a whole hullabaloo. Every living president was there. It's a hullabaloo. It was a thing.

It was terrible. Where did he go? I'm here. He went to commit another one. I ask you that because there's a lot of people that have conspiracy theories. I don't know much about it, but I just think that 9-11 was a terrible day. But anyway, let's go back to the show. Wait, I do too.

You're not the only one who thought it was bad. I also agree. You got nothing to say on that one? Good. I've said my piece. So it comes out October 22nd. It's on Netflix. I play

a guy named Dr. Andre. I'm an Asian. Asian doctor. Surprise, surprise. I'm a scientist that's a part of the shadow government. It's really just kind of zany and weird, but what I loved about it too

is a lot of the jokes kind of landed with me. Sometimes you do shit, it's like when youany and and and weird but what i loved about it too is a lot of the jokes kind of landed with me you know sometimes you do shit it's like when you do it like a network thing it's like you you you go to the producers and you go i don't know where it's supposed to be funny because it's like you're not tight you're not it's not your type of humor right right i like with you two guys right and i want you guys to listen, okay? The first two minutes that I was on with you guys, in my head, I'm like, you guys seem like

really good New York comics, right? I have the respect for you like I have the respect for Norton or, you know what I mean, Geraldo or these types of guys, you know what I mean? And I can tell that we share the same sense of humor. Okay?

That's the same feeling I have with Inside Job. This new show. Okay? You are not pitching it to me because you respect me, you say. So I can't respect you. Because you have respect for me. Is that what I'm saying? You know, I try to

be nice. Bobby, not ten minutes ago I told you I abused myself. Don't share, don't have respect for me. I headbutt Ubers. You can respect me. But you have to understand,

why are people listening to you guys? You guys know you have a fan base, right? Yes. When you walk around New York, do people go, can I get a photo with you? Yep. Yeah.

There's a reason why you can't negate those things, right? There is a service that you do, and you have a voice, and you symbolize something, right? And people look up to it, people want to like you guys. So it's like, you know, don't shit on your fans, man. Don't shit on your fans. Bobby Lee, I need you in my life, man. I need you in my life to gas me up and just to be awesome.

Yeah. So just look in the mirror, you fuck face, and go, there's a reason why, right? And that reason is a positive thing, right? So I'm just being real with you guys by saying that I don't know you guys that well, but I know that if I go to New York again because I shoot, sometimes I'm on that Sex and the City show. Yeah, come through here. We'd love to have you in person.

And I'd love to come in and have a meal or a coffee or whatever, right? And it's like that's what i'm saying really yeah that's the name of the game man no i mean that's that's the highest uh compliment you can pay people when you get on a podcast with them and it's like not awkward and not bizarre it's like oh yeah no this works and feeling that way about inside job has got to be like a dream come true where you're like all right i i'm gonna actually enjoy and also a dream come true because doing voiceover work is the fucking best right that's just cake in your pocket. I mean, I've done a lot of them, but it's like, you know, this is the one time where I was kind of like, I'm going to promote it, actually.

I've been on shows where I've done voiceovers where they're like, can you promote it? Contractually, you're obligated. Do it. You know what I mean? I hate it, right? But with this specific job, I'm going to fucking plug the fuck out of it because I just, I just really,

I mean, even doing Zoom, like, I'm not good at Zoom. It's the worst. Like, if I went into your studio, bro, right? If I was physically there, we would kill it. Oh, my God.

We probably would have taken our dicks out earlier. It would have been a long scene. We would have a dick competition. Definitely you guys I'd make you guys

smell the head of my penis. You would have done it. I would have. I definitely would have. We'd still have done it. We'd still have done it. If you asked definitely. I definitely would have done it.

And the thing is dude right now I didn't even have to say that out loud because right now what I'm basically doing is giving a verbal confirmation that when you do come in here I have done it. And the thing is, dude, right now, I didn't even have to say that out loud because right now what I'm basically doing is giving a verbal confirmation that when you do come in here, I will tell you. And I could have just left it alone, and we would have forgotten we ever did this. But now it's on camera, and we've got producers who are going to clip this,

and it's out there now. Why don't we do this? Why don't we do this? Let's come up with a word, all right? So I don't have to go, hey, do you guys want to smell the tip of my... I want to be able to come in like a year. I don't know when we're going to see each other. But let's come up

with a really good word, right? That once I say it, you guys will know what I'm talking about. And we won't even explain it. And we won't get like sexual with it, right? I'll just... I'll have boxers on. I'll stick the tip outside the little people, right? I'll just have boxers on. I'll stick the tip outside the little people, right? And then you guys go like

three or four inches away from it. You can close your eyes and you do a couple of snippy sniffs. Yeah, yeah. How about we just call it that? You walk in, you say snippy sniff. No. Hashtag snippy sniff. That means that there's time.

How about snippy sniff time I don't know You said something about pickles right You come in and you say dill pickles And that means I gotta sniff your dick Oh yeah I hope they smell like dill pickles That would be a lot better than what I'm picturing right now

It doesn't It smells like It smells like Vietnam in the 60's Napalm So I was gonna say heroin and napalm It does not. It smells like Vietnam in the 60s. So I was going to say, heroin and napalm. That's real bad. We'll have to end on that note. My dick smells like Vietnam in the 60s.

Holy shit. Bobby, it's been a fucking pleasure, dude. Thank you guys so much. October 22nd. Honestly, I want to be able to see you guys when I'm back in New York. Thank you guys so much for having me on. Anytime you're back, man. We'd love to have you. Pleasure, bro. Have a good one, dude.

See you later. Bye, guys. Bye. Big shout out to Bobby Lee. He really does just like to really get on his knees and get in front of the camera. I thought that was a joke. I'm so scared. I don't want to smell Bobby's dick.

Oh, we're definitely sniffing that dick. That is. When he walks in, I'm going to go, sniff that dick. Sniff that dick. You have to too. I know, but I'm not as worried about it as you are. I don't know. It's not bothering me.

I feel bad. I'm going to puke on his dick. Well, you don't have to suck it, John. Well, I'm going to smell it. I'm going to puke. And what if I can't get the trash can? I'm going to have to puke on Bobby Lee's dick. That's the whole thing, man.

We just said how we're like the premier fucking podcast for comedians, and now we're talking about puking on their dicks. Well, that was fucking Bobby's idea, man. Sorry I'm gracious to my guests. Let's talk to Ricky Ruiz, one of the funniest guys in New York City. New special out on HBO. Been listening to him, laughing to him for 10 years. He's finally – this is the first time That Ricky's ever had His comedy on television

Really? Yep Which is a crime dude A crime I saw Ricky Open the Gotham for I think Francis I think I tell him this

In the interview And it was like So clear That he was Bro So funny Comics always use the term All these like terms

To describe it And one of them They always say He's a killer Ricky's a killer He's fucking Gritty New York guy doesn't give a fuck and he's just like deadly funny and i love that like everybody's been getting specials a lot of people rush them like he's had like a 10 15 year career and now it's time to get a special so he gets to do hbo

let's fucking go it's ricky velez on kfc radio especially because i i feel like the first time i saw you was you know like a decade ago. I saw you at a random comedy club, so I'm happy to finally get you in here in person. Thanks, man. You got pretty eyes, man. Thanks, dude. You got pretty eyes, doesn't he? That's a weird comment, though. You looking good, dude.

I started off the interview with just an objectified look. Are we going? Is this happening? Yeah, we don't introduce people. We'll do the introductions before you come on. Yeah, we just make comments to make you uncomfortable, and we let it rip. Tight, man. I must say, how much news I get from you is fucking pathetic.

Honestly. It probably is a bad sign. And the other thing is, you're just a New York guy, so it's like listening to one of my friends where I'm like, I got to double check this. I definitely have to check this out. But how much I get from you is unbelievable. So many times I'll do like a whole fucking thing.

We put it out and then someone's like, no, like that's not what happened. I'm like, well, all you guys are going to be misinformed. Sorry. It's funny how much like, like I just let it rip. You know what I mean? I feel like that's, that's what we do on the internet here. Yeah, man. Just just let it rip. You know what I mean? I feel like that's, that's what we do on the internet here. Yeah,

man. Just go for it. Yeah. Things seem to be going good for you, man. I'm all right. Yeah. You're doing well.

Trying to stay off this internet. It is a dangerous place out here. No, no. Things are real cool right now, man. I'm just happy. The special is coming out finally.

I mean, when you see executive producer, he's a cool guy, man. I like him. I like him. I like him. I like him, dude. That's, uh, he's, uhd apatow he's a cool guy man i like him i like him that's uh he's uh he's he's the man dude he's like my biggest advocate he's really he's been amazing that was all from uh kingston island that's where we met yeah and then we just kicked

it from there and he's the homie you i remember dear life on that one dude he's sick as long as it goes like brings me to mets games he's awesome dude he brought me to bruce springsteen on broadway it's awesome what the first one after he doesn't have a son he needed me man as bad as i needed him you i think you explained it let me when we did it over zoom but you said like it was all through king of saturn you said you like, rolled up on set and you guys kind of just hit it off? We met in the audition, and then that night he watched me do a bunch of stand-up. We were on shows together, which would have sucked if the audition didn't go well, but it went well.

And then I just did, like, a bunch of different sets in front of him because I didn't want him to see me do the same jokes. And then next thing you know, he called me out of nowhere. He's like, will you do Punch-Up on the movie? So I basically rode in and out of Staten Island with him every single day, just writing and whatnot. And he's like a genius dude. He's always consuming something. Yeah. So you were performing, but rather than just doing your regular set or routine,

I wasn't going to do the same one twice. So if he wasn't there, you would have just done your best material. Probably. No, it was a showcase that he didn't know he was watching. The one-man secret audition. Yeah. Shit, that's smart, though. And then we just always got along.

Was that like you just decided that on the spot? Or did you talk about that with people? Was there a plan to be like, let's get this motherfucker to like me? Or you were just like, no, I'm going to do it. No, I just knew the audition had gone well. And at the same time, I already had so much material. So I was like, fuck it. Let me show them everything I got.

Is that the most nerve-wracking audience ever you've had? I had Sting once. What? Yeah, Carol once. Just randomly? Yeah, he likes Gilbert Godfrey. And I was opening for Gilbert. And Sting rolled up.

Sting is a huge Gilbert Godfrey. He looks like a fucking man-lib shit. Fill in the name. Sting is a fan of Gilbert Gottfried. I could just see him being all like Sting. Like, I like the voice. The voices are funny. No, they came back and spoke to us.

Him and his wife. No, wicked cool guy. Really liked him. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the only thing that I feel like people always know about Sting is that he can fuck for six hours. That's all I could think of The whole time I was around him

I was like this guy fucks Millions of Grammys Sold like billions of albums He's like but you did Sex for six hours I couldn't name a song Is that from Like I know that from

American Pie Is that where everyone Knows it from Or is that like No I think that's like a thing That he does. No. Tantric yoga.

Him and his wife like talk about it. Yeah. Oh, I think that must be why they use it in American Pie. Remember fucking Shipwreck. He's like, he's doing whatever. I think he's just doing like a, he's not coming. He's like watering plants. The one where they're all at like the summer house.

How often do you reference American Pie? I really want to. Every single time they're watering plants. Yeah, he goes down the house in a kimono. Yeah, he's not coming. Dude, but it's kind of bullshit because I think the whole experience lasts for six hours. I don't think he's in there for six hours, is he? I mean, that's a lot of marinating.

Dude, if that's what— Like pruney, I mean Come on man You can't be in there If that's what counts For like the whole experience Like from when you Start talking to someone To when you finish

No My experience lasts weeks How much of that Forever to get someone To fuck with you How much of it Is the truth though Like how much

Or is it just like Yeah I think There's some long foreplay You know Lasted a little longer All of a sudden Because of the Six hour session

Who starts it and when You know That's what I longer All of a sudden It becomes a six hour session Who starts the clock Who starts it and when You know That's some That's what I want to know Yes things start fucking at breakfast And you're done It's like lunch time It's at least siesta

Get the fuck out of here It has to be parched But I mean at this point It's like six minutes For your boy over here Before the charley horse kicks in You know what I mean

It's like Man I'm parched It's been a commercial break for me let's get this in before the hulu commercials are over those are kind of long but whatever hulu who yeah i like commercial i'm a pro commercial break guy i can't stand with you i have hulu i do not pay for it's commercial free because i think in this day and age it's nice to have the commercial break. Run against them. Because you grab a little something.

You're on Twitter for a second. You've been off your phone for nine minutes now. You've earned it. My kid doesn't understand commercials. When they go down, he's like, is it coming back? Is it coming back? What are we watching now? The people from TikTok watch babies watch commercials.

And they're like, oh, this is all we need. Humans will fall for this. Yeah, they i mean my kids has what's the longest your kid can sit and watch like one thing like can they watch a movie i just bought him to paw patrol he went to go see his first movie he loved it loved it through it yeah he cried at the end when it was over yeah not based on storyline either he just just wanted more. He's not that in tune with his emotions yet. We tried to go to Frozen 2 when that came out, and my daughter was like, you know, she watches it for like 15 minutes, and then she was like, I want to go. Well, my kid doesn't.

We don't do TV time, dude. It's a very special thing. That's how you get them to travel well. All right. So the minute we travel to take out that iPad, he's never seen it before. His mind is blown. Yeah. Well, see, I just give him the iPad all the time, and then their mind is mush.

Yeah. They just get – man, when they get dialed in on the iPad, I mean the building will be burning down. I don't like that. I don't like when I see little kids just doing it. It's like that's not cool. I had a cousin. His kid wasn't able to speak yet, but he knew how to get to a song he liked on an iPad. It was really creepy.

My kids really early figured out 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, skip ad. They knew to push the skip ad button. No shit. Absolutely. That's like a rat with cheese. That's crazy. I really truly don't. I'm sorry for insulting your children.

My children are rats. I think your kids are smarter than rats. My children are vermin. It was just the image that popped up. They know how to use Siri and shit. They're like, you know, YouTube Blippi. And I'm like, what do you hold down the button or whatever? I don't know how to use Siri.

I don't think I have Siri on my phone. I've never had Siri. So they can officially do more with an iPhone than I can. Crazy. That's fucked up. Yep. Now she's taking pictures. Who?

My daughter. Oh, I thought you meant Siri. She's on the phone and snapping. Well, they've always been watching. They've been taking pictures and recording us for a long time now. Seen some things, I'm sure. Dude, we're all being watched. Absolutely.

No, 100%, man. It's a weird time. Have you, like, I remember there was a time, I'm very, like, back and forth with it, where sometimes I'm like, this is so dangerous. And sometimes I'm like, I really don and sometimes I'm like I really don't care whatever I drown it but every once in a while I come back to life and then I'm drowned again I think right now I'm drowning in it I'm ready to just give it all away yeah yeah I'm fine I wish you were coming for it they're gonna take it I wish just everybody's shit would be out there and then it would be like well it doesn't matter you know what I mean I don't know about that I don't know if i i don't think that's a good idea if everybody's if everybody's embarrassing

i'm just like i'm fine with giving it to the tech guys like yeah go ahead you're making it easier i haven't left my house since friday this is the first time yeah i press a button a car shows up i press a button food shows up it's tight, dude. That part's sick, but then when you see the fucking, I don't know why, Snowden, the movie with Joseph Gordon-Levitt

and all the camera stuff, there are times I'll cut on porn and I'll make eye contact with my FBI guy. We'll know each other. We'll notice each other and be like,

I can feel you watching me. I'm not doing enough for them to follow me. Like the FBI. What am I doing? You're doing... They're going to get me. Like the FBI. What am I doing? They're going to get me on the ounce of weed I purchased every month. That's not what the FBI is looking for.

You're at least a person of interest. I got to see what this famous dude's doing. I don't think so, man. I don't think that's what's happening. You don't? No. That's nice. I'd love to live in your fantasy world, Ricky Perez. The Taliban's back man I'm in the clear

I'm in the clear Yeah we got Taliban's and Nazis again Yeah Ricky can chill So how was this special man? I saw like you know The promo for it is like It was just so fun

It was crazy My first thing ever on television Stand up wise It's wild Yeah yeah I'm real hyped about it. That's been a long time coming. And, yeah, it's just been fun. And then also it was canceled last year because of COVID.

Yeah. And then, like, just to be able to get back on the road, do four months and hit it and hit it strong. I was very happy about it. Is there material in there from, you know, do you have jokes or premises or things that you've been cooking up for, know your whole career that you put in yeah yeah absolutely cool yeah i wrote this in 2009 or some shit it was interesting to like make the cuts and like when i got back on the road to be like okay i love that but that doesn't fit the storyline it doesn't fit like the beginning middle end of this so it's like cutting things and figuring out like i look at this special as the introduction to me,

to like everybody. This is who I am. This is what I, which is funny too though. Cause again, there are some people who have known you for, you know, how 20 years or whatever.

And it's like, there's going to be a whole new crew of people just finding out, which is the craziest thing about comedy. Dude, I did Seth Meyers. And like, I got stopped by an old woman the other day. And I was like,

that reaches crazy. Like, I was like an old woman the other day. I was like, that reaches crazy. I was like an old woman stopping me. That's nuts. I've never had that before. I mean, that's what's also so like it's tough because you like you got to make the appearances. You got to do the thing because like it's a different it's a different muscle and it's weird. Yeah. And but I'm enjoying it for the most part. Yeah.

Yeah. Is there, like, I would have a lot of nerves or anxiety about putting out, like, something that's kind of like a 10, 15, 20-year, whatever, culmination, and then it feels like you've got to just, like, get right back to it. Well, yeah, man. It's just like, you know. It's a quick turnaround. Yeah. Like, I mean, we shot August 28th.

Wow, that is fast. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That oh no shit yeah yeah so like we we flipped this fast and like around huh nah not at all but uh it was this was the plan and hbo was so cool about the whole like waiting because i did not want to yell at cars i did not want to do one of those specials i didn't want to like so like h HBO was just so cool about allowing me just to wait until we can do it inside with no masks on and none of that. And I was like, yeah, dude, HBO is like, you know, the specials game has kind of changed with everything. But I feel like HBO comedy specials is still you look around at some of like the other names that you're in there with now.

It is the cream of the crop. I'm hype about it, man. And it's just cool to see those letters come up. Yeah. You see those letters come up. I'm like, yeah. The fucking screen and all that. I mean, that's something that, you know, even like thriving comics might not have that HBO special that you got to your resume now.

Yeah. No, and the first thing's an hour, which is awesome. It's not like a five minute set or ten minutes. When did you know, like, that this was coming? Because, like, I think I saw you first probably, I call it six years ago, and you were the first comic. It was at Gotham. You were the first comic on.

I don't know if there's an order or just, like, what your schedule was that day. And, like, by far the funniest dude. And I was like, oh, why is that guy starting? He was fucking hands down the funniest dude. Oh, yeah, probably with that. Like, I was like, oh, why is that guy starting? He was fucking hands down the funniest dude. Yeah, probably with that. I love that club. That club is great. I feel like they just mix it around.

Yeah. I just, yeah, I knew this was going to happen when I had lunch with Judd. And he's like, you want to do an hour? That's what you first knew? It was a very simple conversation. Had you not come across Judd, do you think you would be doing this? I had an offer somewhere else, but it wasn't for a full hour. And, you know, there's things brewing, but Judd just makes things better.

You ever consider just doing, like, the YouTube route a lot of guys are doing? No. You're waiting for a song to do. Yeah, I don't have that. Right, yeah, yeah. I mean, but for it to be HBO then is, do you feel like you, like, was there any, along the road? Because it is such, when did you start comedy? I started at 1932 now. So, like, was there a point where you were like, this should have happened or, like, I deserve it or, like, I'm funny enough and I want this?

I mean, I guess if every comic thinks they deserve everything. Yeah, I know. That's what's funny, right? So you go ahead. Everybody's like, fuck that guy. I'm funnier than him. And then you get to that level and they're all saying, fuck that guy.

I'm funnier than him. Yeah, so it's like, I mean, I always knew it was coming in a way, but it was just a matter of getting there. I think making plans is a big mistake because you're just going to be let down. I'm sure you guys got to where you are, not exactly how you thought you were going to do it dude so i never even thought i mean i love that idea don't pull don't put the bar anywhere don't raise the bar yeah no bar dude no no expectations can't be let down but as things go it's just better than laying carpet you know so that's how i continue to move every day I'm waking up not doing carpet is a good day.

That's really, I mean, a big difference I feel like for a lot of people is if they've had a taste of, you know, what life would be like or could be like. It's like every day you're not doing that is a win. And everything else is just kind of like, you know, icing on top. In this case, there's a lot of fucking icing. It's been fun. What is the worst job you ever had? Worst job I ever had? Ooh, i mean probably working at a comedy club by doing what i did no uh i used to work at a comedy club not gonna it's i have said it in interviews fuck it uh broadway comedy club it's not the greatest not the bad it's a bit worse but it's like

i would work there and do every single show. So I'd be like taking your ticket and then be up in front of you. And people would just be pissed that they spent money at that point. They're like, this kid. This is the guy. But that was hard. And I also did odd jobs for the club all the time. I painted the ceiling.

I painted the ceiling, dude. Just like two days. Just one color? Black. They wanted a black box thing Just rolling it Dude just rolling it My neck was fucked For months

Dude I I don't know why When you said that I pictured Michelangelo Oh my god I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I've done that before. Paint my eyes. Yeah. Hair and shit because I put too much on the roller. Exactly. What am I doing? And like in the same clothes that I just performed in earlier that night. Staying overnight to paint. For what?

Was it like, and then we'll give you stage time sort of thing? Or was it for money? It was like they needed extra shit and they were going to pay me fucking minimum wage, if that. Paint the ceiling. I love it. That's the kind of shit that makes you who you are though right i mean that's like the grind that it takes and i guess i mean

i've seen other people get it a lot easier you ever paid the ceiling what no no i just did jokes on stage man yeah but if it wasn't comedy what was it going to be? Was there ever a plan B? I mean, comedy was kind of plan B. I went to college for a year. My college closed. That's how bad it was. That's a real thing. My college is closed right now. What college is that?

Dowling College in Long Island, dude. Dowling? Yeah, D-O-W-L-I. Yeah. Never heard of that. Dude, it closed. It fucking closed. Not while I was there.

Years later. But the four or five credits I have are deleted. They are gone. Were there kids enrolled when it did shut down? What? Yeah, there was kids enrolled. Just like, nah. Go to another place.

Yeah. And Hofstra took in some kids and the rest of that. But like most of those kids weren't smart enough to be there. I was going to say Hofstra like begrudgingly was like, all right, we'll take the top one. Take your scraps. Never mind. It was like a college with a commercial. It was one of those.

So yeah, it wasn't good. And then the military. And then I tried to join the military. And they didn't want you? I went to MEPS. I went as far as MEPS. What is that? That's basically where you go for medical and whatnot,

and they do all the tests and the rest of that. And I took a written test, and I was so bad at it. They were like, you need a CAT scan. And I had, like, seizures when I was a kid, and I have a spike in my brain wave. And I was trying to get into the Coast Guard because I didn't want to go to war. Yeah, fuck that.

Give me the softest brain. They only take, like, the best of the best than that because it's like the hardest one to get into yeah yeah like you have to be really healthy spike what does that mean i don't know there's my brain wave just has a spike in it what were you writing that they were like you probably have seizures i don't know no they they they saw like my testing and then basically they that's how i like kind of found out I'm dyslexic. Shout out the American education system. You found out you were dyslexic when you were 20 years old. Dude, I failed the English Regents seven times.

Seven times in high school. I didn't know if I was graduating up until like two days before graduation. Passing the Regents is a very doable thing. I don't even think it's a thing anymore. I heard you don't even have to show up to school anymore. It's sick. These young kids are living, dude. Bro, I'll never forget the

Earth Science Regents, man. All those. Oh, they were the fucking worst. Just knowing about nucleuses and shit, man. Bro, failing the English Regents seven times might be a record. It's gotta be a record. I, yeah. Because I feel like most people give up after at least six. Like, alright, I'm calling it. No, you can't graduate without

that one. Yeah, but that's what I mean. I feel like i think most people be like all right i'm not a college graduate after fucking six dude you did seven college high school dog yeah i know i know i'm saying like i feel like at some point i went to an art i went to an art school in the last year they had to take me out of the art program just to take english classes because i had failed so many and they never thought they never thought maybe they're just like, he can't read. I went to school when you can still call people stupid. Like, that's like, you're like, oh, he's stupid. He's just dumb.

He's just a dumb kid. He's broken. He's capable of bad dash. Throw this one out. He has like a lemon. You're like a lemon on the lot. And then I went to the military, and they were like, you're too dumb for this too man

It was tough man You better bring me Judd Apatow one day Who now I write for How fucked up is that? Crazy How did you end up In a career where writing

Is a heavy heavy job? It blows my mind All the time Do you actually write film? Dude yes We write I helped write on the movie He just did in London in a career where writing is a heavy, heavy part. Dude, it blows my mind all the time. Do you actually write now? Dude, yes, we write. I helped write on the movie he just did in London. I wrote on the whole Staten Island. And it's not something we're like,

you talk it out and someone else writes it. You're dyslexic and still write. Well, no, I have a writing partner. I do have a writing partner. He's amazing, this guy, Judah Miller. And he's real smart. Bounces out your dumb. He knows how to make you eat everything

he can do uppercase and lowercase bro all 26 of them dude he used the comma in front of me that was wild that's wild man and you just power through it eventually I feel like once you maybe once you know the truth what's going on yeah it makes a little bit more sense.

It's like, how did I just read a chapter and not know anything? Does that happen to everybody else? Oh, I do that shit all the time. Yeah, that's not good, dude. I haven't been reading. Something's wrong with him, dude. Don't worry. Oh, yeah.

Everything you said, I'm like, well, I'm dumber than that the um the picture the the the artwork for this new special yeah bro how how how naked were we in the photography of it bro they called me the day before were you on that phone call the day before they called me and it's me mark seliger who's a legend do you know who he like shot obama his last day in office. He shot Kim Kardashian naked, so I was like, he's going to shoot me naked. Let's go. So let's hang on a second here. Obama, Kim Kardashian, Ricky. Bono.

Bono. Dude, Kurt Cobain two weeks before he killed himself. What? This guy's a legend, legend. And he caught, like, we're on the thing and he's like so what are we doing are we doing nude or do you want like a skin thong and i was like dude it'd be weirder if i was in the thong walking around i'll get naked i'll let my dick out i was like i don't know man i mean it's cool to get naked in front of h execs And be like hey How many people in the room?

Um One two My wife came with me On that Uh Four or five Okay Plus Mark

Six I think that's weirder I think if you hear I think it's weirder To do a small crowd Than do like Like a bunch of people Like there's a bunch of

Fucking I don't know Photography Lighting people and shit It's just like whatever You got six people Being like okay We gotta make sure The lighting's right

The angle's right We gotta make sure The dick looks good. Yeah, if there are like 40 people in a room, some people are on their phones and we're having conversations. All those people

are looking right at you. It's like your dick's giving a speech. We got to pay attention. You must have a pretty sweet dick. You're not doing that if your dick sucks. Dude, you know what?

I wasn't really even trying to think about it that day. I really just blacked that day out completely where it was just like, I'm doing this. Let's go for it. Let's get naked. I'd be, you know, turning around the helicopter. You guys ready with the camera?

Ready? One, two, three. Let's go. But it was so fun, because Mark's, like, the nicest guy. Right before we start, I'm, like, standing there naked for test shoots, and he's like, I'm nervous. I'm like, fuck you, dude. I'm nervous.

Why, is your dick out too, bro? He's like, dude, I don't do this every day, Ricky. There's not just he's like dude i don't do this every day ricky there's not just well i don't do this every day bro yeah i start every wednesday in a room naked with five people it was funny to see how many people like reported me on instagram though yeah and it's like i see buttholes on this thing all day you guys gonna report me for a beautiful artistic photo and that shit you know, fucks with the algorithm. 100%. No, no, no, no, no.

You're literally, like, shutting down. I notice the numbers getting weird. I notice the numbers getting weird. I'm trying to promote my first special culmination of my whole life, and you don't like that I'm, you know, posing half naked. No, dude, it's on billboards. We're going to go to L.A. tomorrow. That's fucking dope.

I'm going to get naked and take a photo in front of it. If I get arrested in the next week, that's why. You know why. For sure. He's going to have an OnlyFans by next week.

I mean. It sounds like you like getting naked, bro. Not really. No. I'm very clothed a lot. Almost exclusively. I always have socks on, dude.

Really? Yeah, I hate having my feet out. Really? Yeah. Sleep with socks? No. That's a weirdo. Sex with socks?

I'll do. Depends if we have a carpet. Shower with socks? No. I do sex with socks often. Really often. It's because you can't bend down to get them off. That's exactly why.

Yeah. I kick my pants off and I'm like, I got to bend down to get those. You got to take them off with your toes. Huh? You got to take them off with your toes. Huh? You got to take them off with your feet. Like step on and then get up? No, I do. I like hook my toes under the ankle.

I pull it off. Everyone listening is like, or you could lose 10 pounds. Yeah, just bend over and pull them off. No, I'm going to fucking train my toes. You're going to become a monkey with using my fucking all fours, man. Oh, my God. What's the reaction from the neighborhood been? Well, it's funny.

My kid's in school now. So these people are just... How old? Three. Three. Yeah, yeah. I get a little... When I do drop off, I get some stares.

I'm surprised how cool the comics were about it. People didn't tear me up. I thought I was going to get torn up by comics. Because comics are comics. Well, yeah, but I mean... I didn't just go after people for no reason. But no, they've all been really cool and I'm like, that's great. Go for it.

And what about like family and friends with just the special? Basically everything from the past couple of years from the movie to Judd to having the special. Yeah, it's cool. I feel like it's finally the time has arrived. Keep my friends. Me and my friends. But I feel like just knowing your crew a little bit and seeing how – We're Keep my friends. Yeah. Me and my friends. But I feel like, you know, just knowing like your crew a little bit and seeing how, you know.

We're a small circle. Yeah. So I can imagine there's a lot of ball busting and shit like that there too. Yeah. But at the same time, like my friends are so wild when they do shit. When I do anything wild, it's like half of what they're doing. That's true. Yeah.

You got it in pretty, Like your crew Is pretty fucking Pretty solid They go off Yeah Yeah I mean that's actually You guys could write Like a little book

About your gang probably I mean there's a lot Of success in that crew There's a lot of personality A book that we all can't read Yeah I should say You guys can write a book Someone can write a book

About you guys Just not you Fucking writing it What's What's The plan next i mean because like judd is probably you know we're just guys the limit with yeah we're just staying busy writing stuff staying busy uh just continue writing doing stand-up i've already like got an awesome new 15 that i'm really happy about i'm hoping to hit like a 30 soon, going on the road with some cool names and then moving from there. Tough going on the road with new baby?

No. No? No, I just stayed home with him for a year. I'll see you when you're five. Yeah, dude. I'll see you when you're in first grade. I missed his first summer making the King of Staten Island.

I missed the whole summer. I worked six days a week on that. Right. So like, no joke, I missed this whole summer and then we got a full year inside. So like, he's my best friend. He's cool as shit. Yeah. He talks on that. Right. So, like, no joke, I missed this whole summer. And then we got a full year inside. So, like, he's my best friend. He's cool as shit.

Yeah. He talks shit, too. Yeah. He'll call me Ricky to piss me off. I'm like, you're not going to shoot up a school and stop saying shit like that, man. You call me Daddy and that's it. But he's cool.

He's out here being like, Ricky Woods, here's everything. Like he's saying. He's cool as fuck. That's cool as hell, yeah. He's awesome. Just recently, Ricky Vaz, here's everything. That's cool. He's cool as hell. That's cool as hell, yeah. He's awesome. Just recently, three's young for the first name, but my kids just started calling me. And they'll be like, okay, Kevin.

Like, they hit it hard. I'm like, whoa, okay. I go, you can't call me that. So now anybody that calls me Ricky in the house, he goes, you can't call him that. You can't call him that, man. They pick up Mr. Vaz in this house. It's sir.

So you think... When you say you're writing stuff, sorry. No, no, no. When you say you're writing stuff, you're talking about stand-up? Are you like shows, movies? Me and Joe have something in development. And then me and Pete have something with Judah Miller.

And both are actually with Judah Miller. And then I have other projects that I'm just doing on my own. Is that like, is that going to be the focus? You think I really enjoy it, man. I really like this. Like the kid who became a Hollywood writer is another fucking dude. I fell really hard into it during COVID. And I mean, like, dude, Judd bought me final draft.

Like, I mean, like I've been set up to just do awesome shit. So it's like, why not take advantage of what I have in front of me? And he's been, like, so good at, like, letting the creative get as crazy as it can get and then reeling it back in. Yeah. That's nice to have that. I really like it, honestly. It's a little too nuts. You know, I really, like, stand up for the instant gratification part.

Yeah, we've heard that a lot. Every comic loves the fact that right away you hear good or bad but you get that reaction and then like but i learned over time like i kind of like the writing just as much now yeah what if you were forced gun to the head you got to pick one what do you think you take stand up yeah no it's just like in your blood right it's just i mean there's really nothing better than a room on like a friday saturday night when it's like you can feel people like they're there on dates they're ready for it they want it it's just like you're going off there's nothing better really what's your favorite time to do it because i went to a late show this saturday for the first time ever and like p actually it seemed like people didn't like it i would think the later in the night the

more people like it but friday or saturday did the night, the more people like it. Friday or Saturday, did you go? Saturday. Okay. I like Saturday late shows. I don't like Friday late shows because people start drinking once they leave work. So they're fucked up. So they're so fucked up by the 10 p.m. show

and then that's where you get into trouble. We did one 10 p.m. live podcast once. Oh, I can't even imagine your fans wasted at 10 p.m. This was early. This was like five years ago

when we first started doing live shows. And people were actually at work Yeah So they came And a lot of people Bought tickets to both So they came to the 7 o'clock

Then we paused for like an hour And then we had 10 o'clock And they were You know It's still tight It's close And they were so Fucking hammered

And just talking to us I remember looking at the two guys With him and another guy Like I was like I don't What do we do We just keep doing the show It was like

We should start singing Yeah we might as well just have Like a karaoke Or like a Q&A Cause you guys are not gonna Fucking shut up Yeah it's wild We're hammered

Our crowd in particular Is like super super Like we told Caroline Beforehand Like hey just so you know Like it's a It's a drinking crowd And Caroline's was like

Yeah we're fucking On Broadway in Manhattan We know what drinking is Yeah I know And they drank the the bar dry first show drink the bar dry that's like when was hennessy yeah the only liquor remaining was hennessy we're a drinking crowd and a pretty white crowd and you know that like and we're talking you know drunk white people who are like anything left and like hennessy and they're probably like i don't know what that is i'm afraid of that that's crazy yeah that's why

I love Denver anytime I get out there I just have the most stoned audience of all time you're the funniest guy ever it's so great it's amazing

that's gotta be great dude like I would love yeah I mean everybody you see in Denver Denver's awesome it's like my second favorite place to stand up for sure

you haven't spent time out there never been you guys should go to Comedy Works out there. It's the best club. It's like one of the best clubs in the world. I feel like just the city

in general. It's clean. It's up and coming. It's nice. I don't find it clean at all. No, that's what I'm saying. I've always heard it's grimy.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. I've only driven through. I've gone out to Colorado skiing and shit, but I usually go to Breckenridge

and stuff like that. That's beautiful. That's it. Yeah, where the snow is still white. Right. Like go to the city where it's all like that. Where you drive through. Yeah.

I've never even gotten off the highway I'm thinking Denver but I drive through and I'm like I look looking at the highway I'm like. Really? Yeah. I can see a little dirty. Yeah. I wouldn't think that. I would think it's one of these like.

There's a bunch of stoners and then like on top of it that like I guess like once you open the dispensaries it just brings a certain crowd yeah yeah what are these dispensaries in new york now what are what is the rules anyway you're not allowed to sell so what is that it's all like cbd and shit but they're saying they're not like i'm really worried about it i'm not going in there i was at one not at one but i was i saw one of the east village i was actually at a museum. Whatever, no big deal. I was at a tenement museum yesterday. Really fucking boring. Don't recommend it.

It's just like, hey, have you guys heard of families? They used to exist back in the day, too. It was like, dude, someone, it's about like What, dude? It's about like immigrant, you live in like, not live, but you visit someone's apartment, and it's just like someone who lived here in the 1900s. And people were raising their hands

and they're like what did the children do? I'm like well back then sometimes the children would go play all the times they'd go to school other than that they were fucking kids

I got a museum asking questions it sounds like you just went to a friend's house and asked a few questions about his crib what was your grandma like? what was your great grandfather do?

in the Lower East Side is where the Tentative Museum is and I was looking out the window because I was so god damn bored on the museum tour that i saw a weed store that had like the leaf and it was open it was like we sell weed and i still say that i was like wait they don't i think it's all like synthetic shit yeah it's not it's not good k2 weed it shouldn't be that cheap that that chandler jones stuff that gets you turning yourself into the cops knock it on the Foxborough police store.

I know we got the AFC championship tomorrow, but could you guys take me in there? You need a little help over here. The day that it finally, I think it's been decriminalized, but it's certainly not legal for sale, right? No. I feel like the day it does, it's going to be. The decriminalization of it has been crazy,

because I used to think New York, no one gave a fuck. People just smoke. Who cares? It's New York City. Who I used to think New York, no one gave a fuck. Like, people just smoke. Who cares? It's New York City. Who's going to stop you? But that's how I was. And, yeah, now it's, like, everybody. Now it's great.

Now we'll just walk around smoking cigarettes. I used to do that all the time, and I thought I was cool for doing it. Now I have to do heroin. If you want to be cool to do drugs these days, you've got to go hard. You start H, dude. Get that dog food in the vein. I saw a lady smoking crack the other night, and it was goddamn beautiful. I swear to God.

It was honestly artistic. That's frightening, man. Dude, she had on – it was on the corner like 28th and 3rd or something like that. She had on this big Like gown One high sock One no sock Nothing on the other foot And she had it up high And the angle I had

The moon was in the background I was like This is beautiful This is fucking Really nice Artistic man I get so scared When they blow

That crack out And then you Possibly like That cloud Is around you Like Yo man Just a walk

Like right here From around you Like Yo man Just a walk Like right here From Penn From Penn Station man Oh I thought They were gonna be like That sounded Sounded like The purge was about to start

About 24 hours What would you If it was the purge What would you do Right now What if it was the purge and I was just like, ah! Like killing everybody. I'd be mad. I'd be the first person in this office you went after.

You've been working here for a hell of a lot of years and you hate me that much? I'd kill my guests. If it was the Purge, what crime would you commit? I don't know. I'd go steal from those dispensaries, get that weird synthetic shit. I don't want any of that. I think I'd probably go dispensaries, get that weird synthetic shit. I don't want any of that. I think like,

I'd probably go get some furniture, man. Go get some, no one ever like, that's the thing, like when the loots went down, I was so pissed. Like no one loots good shit, man. Everybody goes after like designer shit. I would have had fucking puppies in my hand.

Running down Broadway with fucking two golden retrievers looking all happy and shit. 101 Dalmatians over here. I feel like when all the looting was going on at Target, I'm like, I don't know, you getting your kitchen

wear, man? I guess that's just expensive. That was tough were you in the city for it yeah well i mean i'm not like i live in malvern and so i'm not but yeah we we were in in here what a couple months after that really went down we went right back to work yeah that was like early we were we were july but i i think i went home for like two months yeah so i was i was back here probably may yeah i mean it all just got boarded up and it was a wild time, man. You've always been New York, right?

Have you ever considered? I left for L.A. for a year. You were in L.A. when we interviewed you, I think, right? I think you had a place anywhere. No, I was living in the bottom of my building. I actually got hit by the roots. Oh, shit. So I moved down to Florida, dog.

I knew that was a cool somewhere. What a time to be alive, dudeida and florida anytime but florida the last couple years fucking florida right before the election dude it was lit out there dude where what's like city of florida were you uh uh palm beach yeah because there's difference there's very different i saw i saw a bumper sticker that said lgbt no yeah l yeah LGBT and it said Liberty Guns Beer Trump and I was like that guy fucks that guy

he's out of his god damn mind you know he thought that was the best get it LGBT but it's actually about Trump he was drinking in the front seat of the car cause I like circled the car and then I realized oh he's sitting in there drinking some hard seltzer right now. It was wild out there.

His dad would have beat him if he saw that. It was wild out there. Quick like a man. You pussy. Was that a white car? It's his dad's car. That's why he's drinking. Truck nuts on it for sure.

Oh, yeah. No doubt. Dude, Florida was trippy at that point it was really wild i did i did two years in florida uh no interest never going back it was it was a lot it's nice i like the i like the east coast uh the yeah the east coast of it like i like that that that yes i mean you get into like the panhandle it's like that in jacksonville like yeah right right yeah you can go south beach or whatever it's like you know very different world compared to like the middle of florida when you're like landlocked in florida shit gets weird dude i just like like miami is just so spanish which is just so fun and awesome like i love miami honestly yeah we're not miami people i we the only time i've ever done it was we were down there for the super bowl and that's a lot that's a lot it was too much it was right we rented out a hotel for like the whole company and like we were right

down there it was it was i like miami a just because like, it's the only other city like New York that if you want to do something on a Tuesday, you can go do it. Yeah. And that's like huge for me. Yeah. That is true. You can buy a couch on a Tuesday night. Easy.

You can loot one. Place is closed. Grab a brick. You're all set. Back in New York. Are you, are you, are you in Staten Island still? Nah, bro. I'm from Queens.

You're not a Staten Island guy. Everybody thinks I'm from Staten Island still? No, bro. I'm from Queens originally. You're not in Staten Island. Everybody thinks I'm from Staten Island just because I was in the movie. It's like, you know Luke Skywalker doesn't live in the fucking Star Wars ship, right? It's so ridiculous. Dude, a guy stopped me from Staten Island. He's like, Staten Island. I live there too. I was like, I don't.

He's like, fuck you. I was like, come on, man. That was the guy's first time hearing of a movie. But I love Staten Island. Staten Island holds me down. They're cool as fuck when I'm out there. I always like it out there. Staten Island's a funny place.

It's kind of just like the Forgotten Borough, but it's still like they ride hard for Staten Island. But like, yo, I'm from Queens Village. I'm last stop on the F train plus a 20-minute bus. I'm just as deep like you like so i get it out there yeah there's a lot of outer borough like camaraderie where if you're in the same but you had a car yeah right you didn't come to the city unless it was an event yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like it's like yeah the people who don't like manhattan who are living in outer

boroughs are they're the ones that are like you you know, it's like a brotherhood there. Yeah, it's cool. We drive. We don't like the subway. No. Yeah, all that shit. Yeah, one of our guys here is not in the room right now. He's a Long Island guy. He, like, just rode the subway for the first time, like, ever, like, two weeks ago.

He's been in New York his whole fucking life. Yeah, I don't think I put my kid on it yet. Probably shouldn't. I don't think I put him on the subway. It's probably not a place for children if you think about it it's like yeah i'm gonna take my child underground to this like tube of where homeless people and fucking you know maniacs are you're trapped in there with them i'm all set on that but it's also funny when you live in those outer boroughs like that like i didn't know like

things until i got into my high school my high school was in long island city but like i never met anybody from Brooklyn. I never knew anybody from Brooklyn. I knew my bubble and the people in my family. That was about it. Where I grew up in the Bronx, we had one Jewish kid. Oh, dude. That's it. 100%.

I was like, I don't know if there's any others out there. He's the last one or something. We didn't know what he was growing up. Yeah, that happens a lot throughout this city. Yeah. And then you get into the rest of the city. It's like, oh, no, no. Yeah, the first a lot throughout this city. Yeah. And then you get into the rest of the city. It's like, oh, no, no. You're everywhere.

Yeah. The first time I was really around was, like, Jewish kids were in high school. Yeah. I was, like, right when bar mitzvahs were going down, and that was sick. Bro. Bar mitzvahs? I've never been to one. I'm from Massachusetts.

Bar mitzvahs were fire. My name is Feidelberg, and I'm not Jewish, so, like, I didn't know any Jewish people. But when I found out what bar mitzvahs were. They go so hard. How many have have you been you've been to a lot of time man I went to a bunch of one I get one now it's weird so I'll never get to go to one I went to my cousins are Jewish and we went to their one since we were like family we were like wearing the yarmulkes and the things over our shoulder like we were fucking in it my kids Jewish yeah my wife's full

Jewish right so he gets to go on birthright with the last name Velez. Let's go! Think about that. That's sick. Tel Aviv as a Velez, man. That's fire. And you're what? You're a Puerto Rican Irishman? Yeah. Very Queens. You don't find that anywhere else.

People don't understand that. West Coast doesn't even know about Puerto Ricans. It's crazy They're just like You're Mexican? I'm like There's other places There's other places

Mexican That's fucking funny It does happen as well Puerto Rican Irish is Is your choir Your Yeah Choir guy

Yeah You're a good boxer You'd be a good boxer You know I bleed I bleed good boxer. I bleed. I bleed. Do you? I bleed, yeah. Pussy.

Bleedy, you bleed. When I fight. When I used to fight. I was going to say, that's such a... Even what you're announcing, it seems, is like you lose fights, but it's still such a badass thing to say. I didn't say I lost. I just bleed.

I'm a winner. I just need a shower afterwards. My nose bleeds easy. Who were we just talking to recently? I didn't say I lost. I just bleed. I'm a winner. I just need a shower afterwards. My nose bleeds easy. Who were we just talking to recently? Was it Daniel Sloss? We were talking about, like, can you fight? He was like, I barely fought.

I've been in, like, 25 fights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, 30. He was 30. How many fights you been in? I wouldn't say that high. He was, like, maybe 10. I was going to say,. He was like maybe 10. I was going to say like 8 to 12 area.

I think that's even a lot. For people to be like in a punch you in the face, get punched in the face fight, I would imagine most people have been in like one. And I'm counting my whole life too. I'm counting when I was like nine. Yeah, no, same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're like wrestling and then it turned into a fight. Right. When you're like wrestling And then it turns into a fight Right

Play fighting got wrong Yeah Like I've been in like one or two Like we might kill each other Yeah The other time we weren't We were

Punching strangers in the face fights I think most people have had Zero of those In the grand scheme of the world Probably not Yeah Unless you're in Florida That's true

And then it's fucking All day every day What state you think Per capita has the most fights I'd say New Orleans Well that's a little Louisiana Louisiana

Louisiana's a good one I'd say any town That has like a party town Like that Yeah Yeah it's not so much Violence as it is partying Drinking you know

Like wherever you drink the most Is probably where there's The most fighting It's like Chicago They just murder you There's no fighting There's just shooting and killing North Dakota I feel like

Because they just get bored But there's just no Oh per capita though You're right Yeah there's like There's like 10 There's just shooting and killing North Dakota I feel like Because they just get bored There's just no Oh per capita though You're right Yeah There's like There's like 10 people But there's 10 fights every night

Yeah What's the worst place You've been in Traveling for I don't like I don't like New Orleans New Orleans makes me uncomfortable Really

It's my favorite city I understand But you're a bigger man Like people like see me And like i'm small small guy yeah i am dude i've been 145 pounds since high school like a lot of layers on right now do i have to get naked you know no i mean it's got to be great though Like For Just to look at it You know Grass

Or glass half full Like Not worrying about getting fat Is fucking awesome dude You might not realize that Yeah Yeah yeah There's some good to that

There is some good to it I guess Like But there's also like I get challenged a lot By people that are like Just way too drunk And like That happens in New Orleans a lot

A lot I can see that being a turn off. Yeah. People are just trying to fight you all the time? Wildly drunk people make me very uncomfortable. And I guess they can just feel it. Yeah. Because, yeah.

I'm drunk and I'm going to fight this guy. What are you, a pussy? I mean, yeah. Yeah, I guess if you're getting challenged to fights regularly, that sucks. That's why I like Charleston. It's New Orleans with class. Charleston is sober. So's why I like Charleston. It's New Orleans with class. Charleston is sick. Sober it up, calm down.

New Orleans. A little Vineyard Vines ad. Oh, they wear salmon shorts here. Okay. That's my type of play. That is hilarious, man. So now is there pressure to try to put on another special or is it more just like get back, start working on –

Just get back, make the best thing I can now, and then continue just putting stuff out that I'm proud of. I think that's the biggest thing. I'm not wanting – I was talking about it. I was just at Jim and Sam. It's just like I don't do a lot of podcasts. I don't do a lot of – I don't do it. So I like to take that stuff and really make it good and then give it away that makes sense because we

do we do have a lot of guests where it's like it's almost funny where we'll watch a special later and like oh that's like not even special you just like see them on a different podcast it's like oh those that's what they did on this podcast they are working their material but oh yeah i'd rather save it i'd rather save it and I don't want to give away stuff. I think podcasting at first was kind of a thing you did with your friends, and then maybe you just impressed. I have nothing against it. It was never part of my dream.

Right, right. It was never like my dream was to act and do stand-up. No, we gave up. We got halfway there with this, we'll do. Podcasting is the failure. It is definitely not, oh, now I'm getting unbooked for everything. No, you're right. We are like the tallest in the short class.

You know what I mean? This is where you can't do anything else, so let's make it the best we can. It's commendable that you guys can do it. I can't do this. I can't talk like this day. is no i respect commendable i can't do this i can't do this every day that's who cares it's like i can't do this thing that's not that good whatever i would say something wildly insane yeah that How do you deal with that? Yeah, well, we're at a point. How do you drink and do shows?

That's wild. We usually don't. I mean, that's one thing. Drunk podcasting doesn't go well. I think in the beginning when we did that, we thought it was like, that would be funny. We'll have some drinks. We'll get fucked up. Because if you're sober listening to a drunk person, it sucks.

Sucks So that doesn't really work But yeah There definitely is a feeling Of like And we're not live So if we do say something stupid We cut it

You know Yeah okay Like And we'll like play it At a live show We'll be like Here's like All the things that we said

That we can't put out there So we have like A little bit of A bit with that But yeah I mean We also I think we're at the point Hopefully luckily

Like knock on wood We have enough fans That like If people People come after me a bunch of times and it just doesn't stick you know what I mean they're trying to be like this guy shouldn't have a job or this guy should lose yeah it just it just doesn't happen you know yeah one day it will I think eventually my time will come but until then I just like continue to perform at shows that lock up your phones yeah that's like where I'm at with it. Let me tell you what. Two people who went to a show like that recently,

it's easy to get around. Yeah, we do. I had my phone out in 10 minutes. I was at the Garden for the 9-11. That's where we were at. Oh, that was wild, dude, when Chappelle caught the guy. Yeah. Bro, that was uncomfortable. He was so, like, that was like the most, like, he was going in on that guy.

Like, if that was me, I'd be like, that's the most disappointed in myself I've ever been in my life. Yeah, I mean, there was also, like, what? He chastised him. 16,000 people. But, like, how dumb. That dude was, like, pretty close to the front row, and he must have been, like, you know what I mean? It was stupid. For him to see that and get caught, he must have been blatantly doing yeah it's pretty easy to get again like because we had

in our area we had like you know you can check your phone and then there's so packed oh there's areas yeah there was like phone area if you you know you had an emergency whatever yeah they hit you with like the unlock and then i realized like no one was paying attention i just walked back with my phone i didn't film it i wasn't an asshole about it but i was like because it was you know if if you go to a Chappelle show and he's on for like an hour and you lock up your phone, it's whatever. That was fucking four and a half hours. Yeah, you were gone. You had a full night going. Yeah.

As I'm walking in, I was like texting with my kid's mom and shit. And then all of a sudden it was like, boop, no phone for four and a half hours. But yeah, I'm sure as a comedian that makes it a lot more comfortable. No, it just makes it so much better. And then also like not even just the idea of like of taking away the chance of somebody putting out your material, but having people not focus on their phones for that amount of time is amazing. So many people just go into their phones just to go into their phones with no alert, nothing. They're just in it.

So it's just better that it gets locked up. Even just like you're at the club, you'll see people just in it right so it's just better that it gets locked even just like you're at the club you'll see people just like yeah yeah i basically like basically stay at the cellar now just because they they do yeah they take them or they no they put them in an envelope and then just seal the envelope you get caught taking it or you're opening your envelope but it does look like everybody's just sitting in front of you with evidence like just like a white paper envelope yeah no shit yeah and if you started to open it you hear it you hear it has like the crinkly shit in it it's a good idea it's great and it just everybody's protected and the crowd is ready to see a show i feel like the way you do it though is is i hope almost where the pendulum swings back to

because as I was saying it's like now like I said you used to go on with your friends or people you know or a couple top podcasts to promote

and now it's just become like you know the way you used to hit like the morning shows on the radio it's like you just do the whole circuit which is cool.

It's so sick how you guys have taken over. It's blown my mind. It's cool because then you know we've gotten some big names and some people we really admire but then like you said you hear like the same stories and you know it's like oh man that was a good conversation and then i listened to

the next show and i'm like he said the same exact fucking things oh you know what i mean it's like oh i thought we were like cool and i realized you're just kind of well it's a better like i think i think and i i actually said this on the last podcast. See? Fucking real. But it's just easier to talk to guys like you that get it instead of reporters and stuff like that. That's what I understand. You guys are around comedians, so you understand how to talk to us and bring up different things and lead with funny

rather than trying to be interesting. I hate the question, answer, question, answer. I'd rather just have a conversation and fuck around. Well, I mean, that's why I was very happy to get you in here in person to do it because it makes it that much better. Dude, it's sick. These are the new offices, too. The only other ones, I was at the old space a long time ago.

The other space was – I actually like the other space better. It felt like you were going to fall through the floor, dude. Yeah, that's why I like – Bro, the bigger we get, the less I like the other space better. It felt like you were going to fall through the floor, dude. Yeah, that's why. The bigger we get, the less I like the offices. And I'm sure nostalgia plays a factor here. Definitely. Our first office, which is my quote-unquote favorite office. The other shit in Boston was bad.

It was an old dentist office. They were rodents running around. Not mice, squirrels. We didn't have internet. But the squirrels would break in because it would get too cold. It was terrible. But, like, looking back on it, it was like, yeah, that's the best place. But if you told me to go work there tomorrow, I'd be like, I don't know. Bro, when we get in this place...

Actually, our very first place, we decided... Join the military. Our very first place, we came out and we toured a bunch of different... Like, we toured. I don't know. Looked around at spots. And we were going to go to Long Island City because for the same money, you got a fucking Rob Dyrdek fantasy factory.

There was basketball hoops and multiple floors and shit. But we figured when someone comes through and does the late night shows and stuff, you'd be in Manhattan. You're just part of the cycle. I don't know if you guys are good enough. I'd be on you though. Yeah. We better be good enough. I'd be on you, though. We better be good enough. Not going to the fucking tunnel.

You're crossing water to get to an interview. They go to Austin for Rogan. We're like, you guys want to jump on the subway? Nah, we can't do that. We almost went to Times Square, too. There was a big, big spot. I was just through there, man. It's changed. I actually probably could do it now, like post-COVID.

Pre-COVID when we were looking, it was like a really big spot. Probably was double the size of this, but it was like right next to that hard rock on like 42nd. Like right in the fucking middle of it. Naked Cowboy was out there this morning, man. Yeah, they're still out there doing things. He doesn't miss a day. Naked Cowboy and Anti-Semitic Elmo, they are just on their grind. When do they finally just be like, hey, come see a doctor.

Like, this is not okay. Like, he's been around so long, people aren't even excited to see him anymore. It's like, what up, dog? Yeah. It's like, this is not good. I've watched that guy go from the jack dude outside TRL to a pretty saggy old man. He's kind of bloated. You can tell that he's drinking to stay warm now.

It's sad. I don't mean to punch down. Bro, cowboy boots and tighty whiteys. It's a couple bad turns in his career. He had opportunities. He definitely had to have sick opportunities at one point.

At one point, he knew he was... I'm going to parlay this into one point. Because at one point, he was like, he knew he was. Yeah. He's, I'm going to parlay this into like a movie. And now it's like, dude, you are still just doing this. Probably could be a good documentary. We should maybe just go interview him. We should just go grab him. You should do, like, I'm telling you, he's like Joe Exotic.

Yeah. Right. I didn't vote for Trump, but I'm definitely not voting for him next time because he didn't let go of Joe Exotic. That's the only thing that would have gotten me. That fucking image on Trump's last day where outside Joe Exotic's prison, they had the limo waiting for him. Bro, I just rewatched it. So sad. I just rewatched it.

That documentary holds up so fucking well. Because you watched it so fast in pandemic. Go give it another watch. Incredible, dude. You'll be so sad he didn't get to go out. That scene, thinking he's going to get pardoned and just doesn't, is one of the most. No matter what you feel about that guy,

that's the most depressing thing I've ever seen. Oh, it's super depressing, but I'm happy about it. I think he's a piece of shit. I'm glad he can get out. You're a Carole Baskin fan, man? No, I'm anti all of them. I think they're all monsters. They're all the a piece of shit. I'm glad he didn't get out. You're a Carole Baskin fan, man? No, I'm anti all of them. I think they're all busters. They're all the biggest pieces of shit.

Yeah, I'm telling you. That's who Naked Cowboy is. He didn't just have the land and the tigers. You're probably right. There's probably a bunch of fucking scrubs. Can you imagine his backstory? Why not me? Why not me?

Can you imagine Naked Cowboy? Yeah, I need to know that. Talk to Judd, bro. Yeah, that's what. Hey, Judd, this is my idea. Have you pitched him anything that he's just been like, yeah, man, sure. No, that's the cool thing about Judd. He never tells.

Even if you are, he explains it. Why it's not good or whatever. Not even that it's not good, but he lets you be as creative as possible. That's how you get everything. When we do jokes we write out like a hundred of them we do crazy

crazy intense writing we yeah I mean we've written things I'd say close at one point one script we were working on

at least we wrote it over a hundred times wow yeah crazy and it doesn't it's not done until it's filmed so like even on set you're still we're sitting there just like yeah yeah yeah and i get to shadow him on some other things just shadowed him working with kate mckinnon it was awesome man like and just i sit next to him i just write jokes bam right so do

you feel like you're kind of being groomed to be like you know groomed is a weird word it is um but uh they really have taken that word from you yeah they really have what's another way to So do you feel like you're kind of being groomed to be like – Groomed is a weird word. It is. But – They really have taken that word from you. Yeah, they really have. What's another way to – it makes sense in this case. What can you say? I feel like I'm just taking a master class. I'm getting the actual version of a master class of watching somebody who's brilliant,

and I'm going to get to use these tools at some point to do it myself. Yeah, the thought of being like – if Judd Apatow is kind of passing the torch to you, it's like, holy shit, man. He's been really cool about, like, showing me the ropes. And he's my biggest advocate, honestly. Yeah. And it's a great guy to have in your corner. And he's just an overall good guy. Family man.

Awesome. I love him. Yeah. Well, it couldn't happen to a better guy, too, though, because I feel like that's the kind of dude you are as well. So you've earned it, you know? Paid your dues, good guy, funny dude. We'll see, man. What if it bombs? It's the special.

Start a podcast, babe. I'm on Monday morning, just sitting there. Let's go! When you're falling down the tree, there's always a Grant Stabab. And then if not, Nicky Cowboy. Yeah, he joined him.

Dude, I'll be out there. It's either that or the OnlyFans. He hasn't even started an OnlyFans, dude. Somebody needs to help this guy. I'm telling you, Barstool needs to help the Nicky Cowboy. I'm fucking quitting. I'm going to go be his producer. Dude, it would be so great.

He has a comeback. At the rate we're going, he'll probably get a fucking contract here. All right, man. So, Seeing Everything is out. Here's Everything. Here's Everything is out. HBO. And when does it drop?

October 23rd, this Saturday at 10 p.m. And then it's streaming on Max immediately after. Dude, that's so clutch, too, because HBO Max is, like, popping off. Dude, they're just buying everything. Everything is so good, man. That's so clutch too because HBO Max is like popping off. Dude, they're just buying everything. Everything. It's so good, man. It's going to be awesome.

It's going to be great for exposure. I'm so pumped. Like as a New York person and as like, like I said, I saw you at the club like so many years ago. I'm very excited.

And that's like why I think like it's like, dude, this is a very, very like, it's a really cool thing for New York, I feel,

because it's somebody from it talking from it. Right. From the perspective of the outskirts where we came from. The real shit, yeah. The things that I put in the set are the things that me and my boys back in Queens belly laugh at. That's what was exciting about this. Yeah, you're definitely one of those people I feel like the world should have known probably much, much earlier.

Thank you. I'm very excited for it to be now. It's almost like when you know a song world should have known probably much, much earlier. Thank you. And I'm very excited for it to be now because it's like, it's almost like when you, you know, you know a song first or a movie first. Like, I've been telling you. I've been telling you, Ricky Velez, man. I'm telling you. Thank you. And thank you guys for always being so cool.

Sure, man. Thank you. Ride that appetite wave and, like, keep doing it, man. Yeah. You ready to answer some questions? You got some more time? Yeah, let's answer questions. We're going to go next door to our green screen room.

Oh, wow. This is awesome. got some more time yeah let's go next door to our green screen room oh wow Thank you. Thank you.