KFC Radio - We Recount Old School Urban Legends - Full Episode
Episode Date: October 17, 2023Timecodes: 0:00 Start 02:10 Out of Order Teacher's Boyfriend sketch hit 3 Mil 13:14 Surviving Barstool week recap 18:18 Love is Blind girl who broke up over his credit score 18:45 Love Is ...Blind couple: https://ew.com/tv/love-is-blind-season-5-izzy-credit-score-fight/ 24:22 3 Liter Mountain Dew 30:26 Old school urban legends 35:54 Don't date broke b**ches 46:43 Helicopter Parents 01:07:20 Does it matter if your significant other is rich? 01:22:24 Video Voicemails +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Stacker2 Energy: Buy Stacker2Chew Energy Gummies and B12 Energy Shots at Dollar General, where you can find all your favorite Stacker 2 products, or go to https://Stacker2.com. Pirate Water: Go to https://drinkpiratewater.com to find Pirate Water in a location near you or order on gopuff Factor Meals: Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kfc50 and use code kfc50 to get 50% off. Marine Layer: Find your new favorite fits and get 15% off @marinelayer with promo code KFC15 at https://marinelayer.com/KFC15. #marinelayerpod #adYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr
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Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
Alright folks, this is it. Cincinnati, Columbus, Pittsburgh.
We are coming on the 18th, 19th, and 20th.
That is the second-to-last leg of the tour.
And then wrapping up things in Minneapolis, Detroit, and Buffalo on 17, 18, and 19.
These are the last KFC Radio live shows for at least the foreseeable future.
Perhaps forever.
You never know where the world is going to take us, but we're going to take some time off the touring.
So you are, if you're coming to see us, that's one of the last tickets that we're going to be selling for a long time.
So if you got your tickets, buckle up for an important affair.
And if you haven't gotten your tickets yet, get them now.
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Bring a friend who has no idea what the show is.
That'll be fun.
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People do that all the time.
And the people who have never seen the show walk out saying they enjoy it and become fans.
So check out at Kc radio on all social media
links are in bio and come out to the six final shows in kc radio live history i'd actually like
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It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network.
That's your voice untouched?
No, it's got one, two decimals brought up.
How much is that a fact?
Give me, talk to my terms.
I can play it for you.
How about you do the voice that you did?
You've got to do the voice you did.
You've got to do the voice you did.
I'll play the voice for you live.
Okay, that's fair.
Give me the untouched voice.
I keep saying touched.
I don't know what the word is.
Wait, I've had to do so many embarrassing things. Yeah, no. Yeah, do the fair. Give me the untouched voice. I keep saying touched. I don't know what the word is. Wait, I've had to do
so many embarrassing things. Yeah, no.
Yeah, do the voice.
Do the voice. Do the voice or you're fired.
Do the voice or you're fired.
Do the voice or you're fired. What's the line?
Do the voice or you're fired.
Jackie's so quickly jumped up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's right, though. She's right.
It's not going to sound the same like I was in's right I'll do it
What's the exact line
It's like hi mister can you buy some
Girl scout cookies
Do you have any girl scout cookies
When I heard that I was like that has to be
Digitally altered I'm happy
Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies
I'll kill that fucker if he's at my door right now
I'm gonna open the door
calm down
excuse me miss
would you like to buy some girl scout cookies
dude they're both pretty fucking creepy though
I think I just got mixed up on what
was and was but not digitally altered.
That's the clip from Out of Order.
So when that dropped, Fights was like, we were out, and he was like,
you're not going to be able to hear it.
It's too loud right now.
But when you go home, listen to it.
Tell me who you think's voice that is.
And I was like, I could not even begin to guess.
So I hadn't heard it. I was like, I knew we were leaving a gap there. And I was went, so I hadn't heard it.
I was like,
I knew we were leaving a gap there
and I was like,
we're going to put it out
and I was like,
who ended up doing the voice?
Well, we were originally
going to do that Dyke Jackie, right?
But her voice is too deep.
There was Geeks,
there was Jackie,
there were some names.
There were females
that could do it
and none of them were good enough.
Passel's like,
Jackie's wasn't really feminine.
All right, well, yours was so feminine.
I mean, the whole time I knew I could step up and get it done.
Because I don't want anybody to know this about me.
How is this something you've done before?
Like, you just know you can do a high voice?
I just know that I can get my voice extremely high.
Like, I can match, like, female singers' voices.
That's fucking hilarious.
You got Kelly Clarkson over here. She just fucking hitting the high notes and shit that that starting that clip
where you just did jackie jackie plays a very good girlfriend and i think you've done two scenes now
and oh you do it gives you the worst ptsd'm going to open the door? Yes. I'm going to say, that is a girl who has done those conversations for real a lot.
A lot.
But she was like, 430, as we always discuss.
I'm always there because it's bus duty.
I was like, oh, shit, this bitch has done this a lot great skit though
three million views on twitter um because out of order now drops a weekly a weekly skit to go along
with their monthly full episode it's just a fucking it's a pleasure to watch this shit grow man it's
awesome it's really really good it's it's borderline It's borderline offensive how much people are surprised.
I'm like, yo, I've been telling people.
We've been doing this show forever.
You think I'm just doing it with people who aren't funny?
Oh, wow.
And when these people really got together and tried hard, it's actually good, man.
It's good.
Yeah, no fucking kidding.
I mean, of course, even i'm surprised by how funny it can
be sometimes but you know that one was pretty good that one was like we i don't know how long
it took maybe an hour or two and like i walked out knowing i was like that's one of our best
ones now that to me feels like light work like an hour to do this right no yeah okay like to me to
me i would imagine other sketch shows and shit like
i'm saying this without any information i don't know why i think this but i i would just guess
like no but not many other people can rip that in like an hour it's it's one of those things
both sides like you know they can do the digital the technical side you can you know what i mean
yeah that the i i have no idea i also have no idea how long anything takes. But like it's an hour, but it's also been like thought about for two weeks at the same time.
Sure.
That's true.
But I also think this is where I do believe in that 10,000 hour shit where it's like not in a corny way where it's like I've mastered my craft after doing it.
It's more like I could see you being like it's
not gonna get any better than that like we did we did you know what i mean like we don't need to do
another take because like it's just that was good and that's as good as it's gonna get and that's
gonna be as natural as it is and if we keep doing it it's gonna be it's gonna get like you know
we're good like don't overthink it i think that's what what being in this game one way or another, podcasting, videos, scripted, unscripted, whatever,
being in it this long, you just know how it works now.
You know what I mean?
It's a very fun spot where it's thought about for two weeks
but not really thought about.
You're not working on it. Still that morning that morning we're like where are we doing this yeah like yeah which is the
best spot to be i think it's like your fifth thought for two weeks where it's like you wake
up you're like okay brush your teeth don't say the n-word go to work and like somewhere back
there is like how do we end that sketch you know what i love about it is like
there was a long for the longest time on my iphone notes app i just wrote down blog jokes blog
analogies shit like that you know what i mean like completely completely, you know, the one I always use as an example was the diehard four gallons in a five gallon jug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just like wrote that down and I was like the next time you're writing a blog and you're talking about like really using your brain and trying to figure out something hard, say that's like the diehard, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And because blogging, there was so much of it and, you know, you're churning them out and there's so many opportunities to use that shit.
And then when you stop blogging, the only place you could really do that otherwise would be like if you did stand up.
You know what I mean?
Because like where – I can't like wedge that reference.
You've got the sickest references, bro.
Like if you're just doing a podcast, i guess you could but it would sound forced so
there's no and i don't do stand-up so it's like where would i put those things these are where
just those one-off thoughts either a premise or a joke or a punchline or a conclusion you now have
a place for those to all live whereas like you know i don't have that outlet anymore it it and you can i mean that's where i should i think like
the demar hanlon skit is a good example of like speaking of that real quick i was watching a
movie last night called flora and son on apple tv for the first half of the game and i was still
like i checked twitter occasionally and i saw that that Damien Harris had the ambulance, blah, blah, blah.
And I just got my DH names confused, and I was like, oh, that sketch isn't going to age well.
I thought it was DeMar Amway again.
I was like, oh, that's going to look bad.
That was not going to look great.
That's funny that you just told yourself. But at the same time
I was like
gonna go viral
user views baby
by the way real quick
that movie
Florence on
I don't even know
you watch it too
I was gonna watch it
it's like
Sing Street
if you gave all the characters
in Sing Street
extremely unlikable qualities.
I don't even know. Is it
a big deal?
I don't know. It's a fairly new Apple
TV movie that has 94% Rotten Tomatoes.
It's written by the same person who wrote
Sing Street. It's got the same characters as Sing Street.
A couple of them. Sing Street's
unbelievable. Sing Street's an all-time great movie.
I'm all but done with Rotten Tomatoes.
I've been on that wave for a minute. i still use it as like a check to see if like this this silly like comedy
that i think might be dumb is gonna get like a zero percent yeah i'll skip it but like other than
that if i if you got 90 and above on rotten tomatoes your movie probably sucks to me it's
like i i think they're buying i think it's now pretty clear
there's like bots or something like there there have been movie what did i watch recently the
george foreman one it's like a 90 something i turned that off 20 minutes you think that it
sucks you think that it's bots or you think that you could just straight up buy it
oh actually it did come out recently you can buy it you just go to rotten tomatoes and be like
here's 50 stacks like give me a fucking yeah there was a new story that was like you can
people have been and it was one of those that was met with like no way i just but the same time i
was kind of like oh that's not fucked up like i don't know i just thought it was a review site
yeah no i'm but but i'm not surprised that like i mean everything in this world is bastardized
yeah you know i i you you just can't you can't consume anything anymore
it's all fake it's all it's all manipulated yeah all everything everything there's nothing
pure anymore it's crazy dude it's fucking crazy um anyway yeah the skit show is is is great and I I just hope there's more of it to come
and I mean even like
you look at Jackie
I'm not surprised by
you and Tommy
I guess sometimes
I'm surprised by just how good it is
but just being good at acting
is not that surprising just because I know you guys
and I see how you operate and it's like yeah that makes sense
but I never thought of Jackie as being see how you operate and it's like yeah that makes sense but I never thought of Jackie
as being able to do that and it's like
and we probably wouldn't have ever figured that out
if
we didn't have something like this
you know
I think what we're learning
that talentless idiot Jackie
no I had no reason to ever think that Jackie
you know she's always like
nervous to do something or like she's always like Nervous to do something
Or like
You know she's always like
I don't want to be on camera
Or whatever like
And then
But then when she decides to do it
It's like
Fucking perfect
Are you more comfortable
Doing that than you are
Talking on the podcast
It seems that way
Yeah kind of I think so
Yeah
That's fucking crazy
I don't mean like
Not at first
After a few takes
Then I will be
But like not the first take
I guess.
Yeah, you're definitely more comfortable doing that.
Point proven.
Exhibit A.
Exhibit A.
You guys are just sticks to me all the time.
Yeah, I was going to say, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm just always roasting her.
I'm not there on Out of Order.
All right, so we are coming off of
Surviving Barstool,
which is
going
to
blow
the internet away.
It's going to destroy the internet.
To say
it lives up to the hype
is a gross understatement i i genuinely did not think
it was going to i thought it was gonna be a dud to be completely honest i thought it was gonna
yeah because it was so hyped yeah it's too much and i thought it'd be like all right like i don't
know an interesting thing or two happened but largely largely i thought it was gonna be people
who like cry babies fucking arguing and like you know yeah which it got to totally
but like if you would have scripted this people would have been like no we're good we're good
yeah that's gonna happen i i tweeted that i was like we are 100 gonna get catch some but you know
what you're like you will see that the passion we would all be great actors if because you can't fake this sort of like
actual engagement that we all had in it i think i'm i'm i'm i'm probably i'm definitely biased
and i think i'm probably uh recency bias as well i think it'll be like the best thing
barstool ever put out and as far as like
I shouldn't
I don't want to put
this much pressure
on the edit team
but I'm gonna
I'm gonna do it
as far as just like
single
one-off
viral videos
you know
the classics
fucking
great
great stomp lady
and all those things
like
those will forever be
the funniest things
the you know the guidos going to Jersey Shore those Those will forever be the funniest things.
The Guidos going to the Jersey Shore.
Those things will forever be the funniest videos on the internet.
As far as people who do the internet, like internet creators,
getting together and doing something,
I think this will be one of the best things that's ever put out.
Really? I just think if you're into Barstool, maybe within –
I think even if you're a diehard Barstool fan, you know everybody.
I think it's going to be the best content, most entertaining content we've ever put out.
I think even in terms of the internet, like just as far as we've always been one very big piece of the internet.
And then if all of those guys got together and did something, it's just like it was the pinnacle of everybody and everything.
And it turned out so fucking ridiculous.
It's so crazy.
I don't want to go.
The more I talk about it, the more we'll get spoilery.
But I think it has extreme potential.
Extreme potential. Yeah.
Congratulations to the advertisers who got in at $20 each.
Oh, my God.
Bro, I imagine.
Bro, I am sure it was not enough money.
And they got their money's worth.
Not only.
They got money's worth of 100 people watching it.
All we talked about
was the advertising.
I was going to say,
not only because of just
how good the show turned out,
but shout out.
And I mean that organically,
not like we were forced to.
We ate the factor meals
like every second I could get.
I was like,
can I get another factor meal?
And they were like,
it's okay.
You don't have to.
I was like,
no, I want it.
I'm hungry.
I need it.
It was crazy.
So yeah, that'll be it's gonna be tough to uh for everybody to stay quiet uh winners and losers
alike are all gonna want to say a lot of things and it's gonna be tough to have conversations
with people that like you really want to talk about other shit and we can't probably for
several weeks, right?
Yeah, I think months.
Months, is it?
I think, I don't know.
I thought it was supposed to lead into Black Friday.
No, it starts at the end.
After Black Friday?
And then I don't know if it's weekly or daily after that.
I heard three days for three weeks.
So three weeks of three per day?
Yeah.
No, no.
One, yeah.
I'm sorry, three weeks of three per week.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
But I don't think I confirmed by anybody.
So yeah, that would be mid-December.
But at least once it gets started, I can like start to talk about that one little bit each time, you know?
But yeah, it for sure lives up to that.
I gotta pay my rent.
Yo. It's the my rent. Yo.
It's the 16th, dog.
Fuck.
And you pay on the 1st.
Supposed to.
At this point,
I heard mid-December.
I was like,
what is it right now?
Oh, it's mid-October.
That's too late.
You should just be like,
you've now successfully
shifted to a mid-month. Yeah. I's too late. You should just be like, you've now successfully shifted to a mid-month pay.
Yeah, I think they've literally never mentioned it.
You know what you should do?
Not send it this month.
Just see what happens.
No, they've mentioned it before when I forgot to send it.
Yeah, they do usually catch you when they don't have it at all.
I just want to remind you like five times.
Yeah.
But I don't know why you asked me.
Jackie's not the best reminder girl out there.
How about this?
This could be a more general discussion.
Love is Blind came out recently.
You know that show I love, right?
That's the one where you can't see anybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they talk and they get engaged.
And, you know, once again,
five seasons now,
we 1,000% always prove that love is absolutely not blind.
It's fucking 20-20 vision.
Yeah, like for sure.
That bald dude, see that foursome right there?
That bald dude and that blonde girl were one of the couples. And this bitch went fucking nuclear when she found out his credit score.
I shouldn't say nuclear because she wasn't screaming and yelling.
But she went, she was like, what the fuck?
Like, you're lying.
You've been lying to me and all this shit.
And he was like, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Like, I know it's not great
but he was like
I'm not in any sort of debt
I paid it off
and now you know
I just gotta like
start building it back up
but like
and she was
not happy
what was the credit score
they never said
it's gotta be like
100
the way that this chick
was acting
like it has to be
it has to be so bad that like – or I don't know.
Maybe this bitch was just like I'm looking for a reason to get out of this.
Excuse me.
But I can't even – you couldn't get a credit card.
So that I would imagine you know usually they like almost
want you to have some sort of sort of bad credit so they'll get some interest on it yeah like the
sweet spot somewhere in the middle i can't even i would maybe it's a male female thing i don't know
gender roles and shit you could have as fucking zero as a credit score i don't yeah i think that
is definitely a a male female thing the uh the i i remember seeing a tweet once that was like
it was from a woman who was like i was on a date once and um a guy asked me if I'd ever date a broke chick.
And she's like, I said no because of some past traumas or fucking whatever nonsense.
Wait, sorry.
This is a guy talking about dating a broke chick?
A woman tweeting, I was on a date with a guy.
And I asked him if he –
Oh, okay.
And he asked me if I'd ever date a broke guy.
Guy.
And I said no because of past traumas.
Again, whatever the fuck that means.
Yeah, it was traumatic dating a guy who couldn't buy me a bunch of shit.
And he said to me, he said, to me, you're a broke guy.
And she was like, and that blew my mind.
Where, like, she's like, yeah, he was right.
I'm a broke guy.
That's great.
And I. Like, the way she was acting was like. Like, yeah, he was right. I'm a broke guy. That's great. Like the way she was acting was like –
Like, yeah, I pay for everything.
Like you're my broke boyfriend.
You just happen to be a girl.
I've never even encountered any sort of gold digging shit really.
But that – I almost wish I did just to be able to say that line.
Yeah, yeah.
You're my broke-ass boyfriend.
You just happen to be a girlfriend.
Oh, that one hits.
That's boom.
That's a kill shot right there, dude.
And she was like, that changed my world.
Did it?
Again, it's a nice example, but it's weird when just one of those things opens a world.
Like, oh, yeah, I didn't think about it that way way i think it's such an easy way to think about it i've over the last you know
however long i have i feel like i've i've done a decent job of like um
not not falling into gender roles really like i don I don't know. I, I've tried to be more emotional
and I've tried, I, I don't, I don't know. I've just been open-minded about this the whole way
the world is going. Um, except, except like for money and that, and that kind of stuff. Like I've
never even considered a world where I would be like, all right. Like when I was like newly single,
like, all right. Like, uh, first order, first order like you know here's my checklist like gotta be nice like pretty money
you know what i mean like i have never in the courting stages in the dating stages in the love
stages marriage stages any stage i've been like what do you do for work and their answer i'm just like okay cool
like like i don't know your salary don't care can't be white trash though that's different
you gotta have class that is true yes yeah you could be broke you can't be trash yeah there is a
a a big difference between not having money or like I'm trying to figure out how to say this.
Like just acting –
It's the difference between not having money and acting like –
You can't have regularly drank Mountain Dew as a kid.
No, as a kid – as an adult, it's a certain –
Or as a kid.
It doesn't matter.
You think you –
You had parents who regularly let you drink Mountain Dew?
We're not going to do that.
You out.
We are.
We're not a match.
If you could regularly drink soda as a kid,
How about this?
Oh, soda or just Mountain Dew?
Probably soda.
Oh, wow.
Mr. Fucking...
I'll get more...
Up in his ivory tower drinking Perrier or some shit.
Fuck you.
Just handing out life lessons to all the white trash sinners who are drinking Coca-Cola.
If your main liquid you consumed as a child was soda, nah.
I'm going the opposite.
I think that if you-
It's class, baby.
But if you grew up eating nothing but healthy snacks and weren't allowed soda, then I'm
not-
Yeah, I'm out on you.
Yeah, that's fair, too.
But I said main.
If it was your-
Of course you would have soda. Bro, I- Maine if it was your you could of course you could
bro I
but if you had a two liter
on the dinner table
every night
no no no
John we would never
work out bro
I would almost love
like life swap
not wife swap
but life swap
like go back in time
and you like
eat dinner
at my parents place
and vice versa
you know
you know what is the ultimate trash the three liter
i don't even know it came in three liters the the opening is like that big it's usually like
great uh like orange soda and grape soda like i don't even know or like rc cola it's like the
bootleg ones i don't even know if oh does coke do it i don't think i ever saw a coke three liter
because you know i literally had no idea They came in 3 liters
So remember like
You go to a store and get them in 3 liters
I feel like more like
Like a Sam's Club
But remember 2 liters used to be like
A fat dick you know
Fat little blah
And now even the 2 liters look like
20 ounce bottles just bigger
But this is back when the 2 liter was just a thick boy, chonky.
And then there was just a three liter.
It was like you had to hold it with two hands.
You could not pour it with one hand.
It was so big.
And the top was was.
Yeah.
So even that doesn't do it justice because that one is like that's probably the better one.
Oh, my God.
That's three liters.
Yeah.
Three liter.
Yeah.
And the top was so
big because i think otherwise it'd be like too much glug going on because there's so much force
coming behind it um but i would always see it at like a birthday party at a like at a venue you
know at a place yeah yeah i don't really recall ever having them at home look at that baby three liters uh give it to me uh i'm
like i'm genuinely disgusted now i would i would say yeah crush i remember the red soda how many
grams of sugar do you think how about that way go to the top one top left rc cola 99 cents i think
that's a three liter for 99 cents uh bro 99 cents for three liters? That boy.
That reminds me of the Carlo Rossi wine.
The wine jugs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember going to the movies in Bay Plaza.
Shout out Bay Plaza.
Bay Plaza AMC, I think it was.
And I went with my broke friends.
And his mom was smuggling in all of our snacks.
And I was kind of like, all right, whatever.
I don't know.
My parents have a job, so this is not a problem.
I think they were definitely hurting.
So I was like, okay, cool, whatever.
But she wanted us to drink RC Cola.
And I was like, I draw the line there.
I was like, we'll bring in our own snacks. We'll eat your fake popcorn.
I ain't drinking RC Cola at the theater.
We're going.
I don't know if I've ever had RC Cola.
I have some self-respect.
It's just bad.
It's just knockoff.
I honestly know what it is, but I don't think I've ever had it before.
Do you know what the RC stands for?
Did you read it there?
No.
Royal Cola?
Royal Crown.
Royal Crown. Royal Crown.
Anyway, back to the Mountain Dew.
I would say – I understand all the things you're saying, but it's a little bit too hoity-toity for me.
I would say if you're a girl and you've ever drank Mountain Dew, you're out.
I'm talking like once.
Like if a girl, even as like a young child, was like,
I want to try that Mountain Dew, you're out.
Eight-year-old you was considering Mountain Dew?
If you were susceptible to X Games advertising.
Yeah.
Like legitimately, how many women,
what do you think Mountain Dew's
Gender market share is
I think it's gotta be like
99.9
Yeah probably pretty similar to ours
No fuck that man
We got a lot of chicks
I meant Barstool as a whole
Yeah
I would say our audience
Aside from the female
Like you know
Bree
And chicks in the office
Take them out
I would think our female audience Is like Aside from the female, like, you know, Brie and Chicks in the Office. Take them out.
I would think our female audience is, like, the super, super, super vast majority of Barstool females.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I agree with that.
The ratio percentage.
BFF doesn't quite count because Brie is on that, but that is mostly a guy show.
Yeah.
So that, maybe we don't. But, like, as far far as like the the regular shit i think kfc radio
girls are probably like 80 of barstool girls the um i don't whatever this is gonna say i'm this is
not true no because they're no there's no way they're gonna put out shit that says like one
percent of women drink fucking mountain dew i don't think i cannot remember what i don't think – I cannot remember what – I don't know what Mountain Dew tastes like.
I mean I could guess it's probably like a lemony, limey type of thing.
But like if you gave me a taste test right now, blind –
I don't think it tastes like anything.
It tastes like yellow.
It tastes like Mountain Dew.
It tastes like yellow number five.
Yeah.
If yellow number five was a flavor, is a flavor, it's Mountain Dew.
They have hard seltzer?
Yikes. Do you – was yellow number five was a thing for is a flavor. It's Mountain Dew. They have hard seltzer? Yikes.
Yellow number five
was a thing for you in school?
Killed sperm? Yeah.
Is that a thing for you guys?
So many Mountain Dews at basketball camp one week
and then somebody at the end of the week told me that I would never be able to have kids.
And then I never drank Mountain Dew ever again.
That wasn't a weird thing for children.
I know. I'll never be able to have kids. That wasn't a weird thing for children. I know.
I'll never have kids.
You guys sperm?
That was a stress.
Now as an adult, I'm like, I should have drank more.
I know.
That would be a funny skit, by the way.
Doing a guy who's like, you're at the fertility clinic and the results come back.
And you're all like this fucking fancy couple and you drank too much.
I was bullshit the whole time. I don't remember being like, I won't be able to have kids.
I just remember being like, well, I need my cum to be good.
Can't have bad cum as a dude.
Make sure your cum's awesome.
Don't eat yellow Starbursts.
Was yellow Starbursts one too?
Yeah.
Basically, anything that has artificial yellow is yellow number five.
That was probably the last time I ever looked at ingredients as a child.
Yeah, for real.
Probably.
Did anybody ever make a yellow number five, mambo number five spoof?
I bet you that song exists.
I bet you some asshole made that.
I'm still always so fascinated by old school urban legends
that everybody knows
because it's just now knowing
how the internet works
and how things go viral through that
I'm like if we were to take that away
how would anything
get viral but it did
it did just through like straight up word
of mouth from like you know
I went to high school over here but I went to basketball camp with these guys.
And they told me that.
And then, you know, and it must have been a slower process.
The Marilyn Manson one, obviously, is the big one.
I don't remember where I heard that one.
I do remember where I heard Come Belly.
I was at my cousin's house.
Wow, you know the exact.
On Martha's Vineyard.
Wow.
We were listening to, he was a big rap fan.
Who's the rapper? Slick Rick. We were listening to – he was a big rap fan. Who's the rapper?
Slick Rick.
We were listening to Slick Rick.
He could do the whole song.
I'm surprised.
What song?
I don't know Slick Rick.
I think probably one of his main songs.
Show them some.
It's a very cool song.
I was like, so you like rap?
And he's like, yeah.
I was like, what do you like about rap? He's like, Lil' Kim's got a cum belly. I was like, so you like rap? And he's like, yeah. I was like, what do you like about rap?
He's like, Lil' Kim's got a cum belly.
I was like, what?
But I remember I was sitting in his bedroom on Martha's Vine listening to it or listening to that story.
I could not tell you where Marilyn Manson came from.
I don't know where any of them came from, but I did know every single one of them.
I know we talked about them a lot on this show,
but it's one of my favorite things that I'm just like...
It just had to be truly word-of-mouth storytelling, right?
Summer camp.
Summer camp.
Because it had to be where you came somewhere,
met somebody new,
and then brought it back to your shit. then you know just crazy i also think that in a way though
probably those things went more viral or like it happened faster because there were no stories
like the minute you heard a new story about, this girl's belly was full of cum,
because you just don't have any other – you're not reading this Twitter story and watching that YouTube video.
It was just like, we just watched SportsCenter highlights,
and then you hear a story.
And that's the story you tell everybody.
And that's your day.
Yeah.
And also there's no, like, I proved it wrong.
You couldn't prove anything wrong.
So you told the story over and over again.
Yeah, you told the library to prove stuff wrong.
Get a microfiche.
Scroll through newspapers.
Oh, Factor, baby.
Factor.
Factor is going to save my life.
I'm very much enjoying watching you discover Factor.
I have discovered Factor.
It was a big sponsor for surviving bar stool
and i i did not i did not know that factor brings the fucking noise like they genuinely delicious
like even like they do things i don't know how they do it like if you have leftover steak or
cold steak in this case you know you have a steak dinner in the fridge and you microwave it, it usually cooks the steak too much.
Not factor.
Somehow you microwave their steak and it comes out like juicy and tender and the perfect color.
And it's like I just microwave that for two minutes.
Usually a steak on two minutes is going to come out like a shoe.
Same thing with salmon.
I was always like, you know, I don't know, heating up fish like that.
I don't know about that.
Salmon is delicious.
The party dip duo.
Bro, this party dip duo, it's buffalo chicken dip and like a cream spinach dip.
It's got, I think, two or three times the amount of protein to carbs.
Three to one.
Three to one protein to carb ratio.
And you just stuff in your face with buffalo dip and cream spinach.
The breakfasts are even better.
The breakfasts are like, you know, you got all sorts of different pancakes got honey orange they've got uh blueberry they got apple
cinnamon they all have certain different types of butters and syrups um but man those dinners were
keeping me going and it really is two minutes like the other ones i i can get down with but
like even you know doing like a half hour of cooking and getting the pans out and cleaning the pans and all that stuff.
Even that, you know, can add up for me.
This put them in the microwave.
So poke a couple holes breakfast to the on top of the I mean, on top of the pancakes.
But they have the they have like egg dishes.
Oh, man.
It is. Oh, man.
It is delicious.
It's genuinely really, really, really, really good.
And easy.
And you can get all sorts of different types.
You can get the keto.
You can get veggie.
You can do any sort of stuff with a wide array of menus on the menu.
You can get something for everybody.
So I am going to go full-blown Factor.
I think my first delivery comes tomorrow.
You can get yours by going to factormeals.com slash KFC50 and use code KFC50 to get 50% off.
That's code KFC50 at factormeals.com slash KFC50 to get 50% off.
But so Mountain Dew, anyway.
Bring it all the way back.
Like, if I found a broke bitch who drank Mountain Dew...
If you're a broke bitch, all good.
You're a broke bitch who drinks Mountain Dew,
then that's kind of your point,
is that you can be broke, you can't act broke.
If you're broke, you better be a good actor.
Yes. I'm going to say no every time you go for your wall but don't
not go for it i also i would rather you be i would rather you be just straight up broke than like an annoying broke.
Like if you're broke because you're like against the man and capitalism or some shit, I'm like, ugh.
If you're broke because like, I don't know,
you just couldn't get a good job and you're kind of lazy
and you just want to like marry rich, I'm like, okay, that's fine.
I don't want to hear like – even if you're like chasing your dream,
I'd rather a girl be like, I work in PR and they pay me $32,000 a year.
And that's before taxes.
No,
I disagree.
I'd rather a girl being like chasing her dream.
And that's why she's broke for sure.
But here's the thing with girls doing that.
It's like,
you don't have,
I don't know.
I guess it's like,
you can't just like make girls do only fans and shit.
But it's like,
you don't have to be broke.
Like guys have to be,
they will.
Kevin's so badly wants to be a pimp i'm just saying i've said this a million times you're all gonna look back on this
era when it's just when she's like oh everyone like a guy if you're chasing your dream you can and you will
be broke and a girl it's like i don't know i'd rather you just be broke i'd rather you not have
aspirations i mean like what if she's a musician um what what dreams did you do you think they have
you don't have to chase dreams just be a whore no I guess it's like like um
I don't know you can you can have your dreams and be broke I just want to hear about it
you know I I think you'd be i i'd rather
have someone chase their dreams because then they're at least in a good mood like if you
because you're still broke but if you're like doing a job you don't like and you're broke yeah
you're in a bad mood yeah i mean all of this shit if you're in a bad mood like i don't care
you're rich poor whatever dreams shitty job if you're in a bad mood all the time, you know, see you later.
But, like, where do you put money, Jackie, on your list?
Or not even necessarily money, but, like, job.
Does he have a good job?
I, like, I mean, for the most part, I'm just, like,
I just care that you're nice to me.
But I'm not, like, dating to marry right now.
So, like, maybe. So maybe eventually.
I dated a guy, or not dated.
When you say you're not dating to marry,
then why do you even date?
I guess it depends on your definition
of the word date, but I had this thought
the other day, because one of these motherfuckers on Love is Blind
is 24, and
he's also
I think 100 feet tall he's huge his legs he's probably i think he's 610
in real life and i think his um his legs are like six feet his torso and head is like this big when
he would sit like on a couch like this his knees would be like up to here or and we put them out
like this like they would come like into your into your living room he's a freak dude he was actually the most level
headed and like and normal guy too it was fucking like all these adults who were like absolute freak
shows and he was just like milton yeah he's got like a jerry curl that looks like a helmet that's
not a good that's not a good representation that picture um he he it was actually really it was it was very it was cool this the girl he ended up
marrying psychopath an absolute like like uh secret manipulative lying chick and that conversation
go back one that that one in the middle right there he's talking to that
guy that dude was chatting with him look at those legs he's folding them up like a chair uh he was
like lydia is lying she so so love is blind nobody knows each other except these two did
they like by chance allegedly by chance just ended up on
the same show together so when he they had their their blind date and he's like he's talking and
she's like uche is that you uche is his name and he he eventually puts all the pieces of the puzzle
together and he's like that girl used to go through my shit. She found out that I was applying to that show.
She applied on it to it as well.
She wanted this to happen.
And I can't remember why,
but there was like a decent amount of proof or at least like that,
that could very well have happened.
Um,
and that guy was like,
he goes,
dude,
that's,
that's the dimension you're living in with her.
That's your dimension.
I'm in my dimension over here.
Her and the girl that she was fighting with, she's in that third dimension.
And he was not, like, denying it.
He wasn't like, no, that's not my girl.
Like, you're lying.
He was just like, that's what happened with you.
That's what happened with her.
I'm doing my thing with her.
That's what's's gonna happen with me
i respect that it was awesome yeah and he's 24 that guy's like 34 and he just like he just
dapped it up and the guy was kind of like fuck he was just like okay i i respect you for that
and i really did i was like that is some now you know granted this is probably gonna end up being
the same but. But like –
The dimensions always – but as of right now, as of like they just did the reunion show, they were not.
It was like everyone seemed happy.
So who knows?
I'm not rooting against them.
Probably logic would dictate that you eventually will – the crazy will come out on you too.
But it was so cool.
And the way he did it, he's like an engineer.
So he talked in these dimension terms and shit.
It was like, oh, yeah, you crazy dude.
But that's also, dude, when I was 24, I would say shit like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, that was different time.
Alternate dimension.
We got it better.
Different space time continuum, man.
You learn.
It's okay.
Look how tall he is there, bro.
I wouldn't want to rob a 24-year-old of that.
Talking like an asshole?
That glimmer of hope that things will be good.
That's good for you, man.
Believe that.
Hold on to that as long as you can.
For real.
Keep that innocence.
When my best friend was 15 years old, he told his girlfriend's father, you don't know what love is.
Oh, I think you've told me that.
Yeah.
He was like, you're in like, I don't know exactly how he worded it like this, but he basically summed up like he was like, you're in a loveless marriage.
Like, what would you know about love?
Like, she and I are in real love.
I would be like, good for you, kid.
You're a fucking idiot, but good for you.
I respect you for saying that. I think in that moment, I would probably rip, good for you, kid. You're a fucking idiot, but good for you. I respect you for saying that.
I think in that moment I would probably rip his head off.
I think I would break his fucking head off.
That's got to be hilarious.
You got to walk in the house and be like,
this fucking kid is wild.
I think... wild i i think i can't even imagine getting involved in like shay's dating life she's a
teenager now like my best friend is a fucking lunatic and i don't know what he was doing
other than just being like his regular kind of like Eddie Haskell like asshole self.
You know, he was just a very like, you know, he's like he had all the teachers and parents like eating out of his hand, you know.
Yeah.
And I think this guy like saw through that, you know.
But like unless like unless one of my kids was in like a dangerous situation.
Right.
I think I'd be like, I don't want to know any of this shit.
It's so weird if I know the ins and outs of your relationship.
It's obviously not the same as kids, but being the oldest sibling, people used to say that to me.
They'd be like, your sister's dating somebody?
Fuck do I care?
Is he beating her?
Right, that's what I mean.
I can't imagine ever being like,
Shay, you have to dump him.
It's like, none of this is real.
None of it, I guess,
but I don't know.
I say that now, but like...
Or being like,
don't you dare hurt her, guy.
Yeah.
You're a fucking loser.
The fucking answer the door
with a shotgun,
take the prom pictures.
If you hurt her,
I'm going to beat the shit
out of you, kid.
Like, what? You know what? I could see more see you guys you got your own shit to work out bro
okay psycho i i could see uh i could be like do you want to hurt women why are you why is that
your first why would i hurt her do you beat your wife you ever lay a hand on her? I could see myself being like, you know, you don't go out to your friends anymore.
You're like, you're not practicing fucking dance anymore.
That kind of shit.
That would probably bother me more than like, are you having sex?
Are you partying?
Are you drinking?
Are you, you know, are you sleeping in school?
It's like, are you just doing all, you just made your whole life his life?
Yeah.
That would bother me, but I'll probably stay out of all this shit.
I don't know.
Anyway, this is all to say, you know, I don't know.
Date broke, date broke bitches.
Don't burn.
I guess it's just, I can't.
That's why I asked Jackie.
Like I know a bunch of girls who are like they were looking for money, you know,
and not like straight gold digging, but it was like, you know, the sixes,
the six figures, six inches, six feet.
Like that was a real ass thing, and I – Which fine thing but like don't i just don't get if
that's all you want to do and and i i know i'm sure we've joked about it a million times we're
like oh i'll be a sugar baby blah blah i wouldn't want to be a sugar baby because i i'd have no
purpose there's like i don't you want like that's why if it's your dream you're doing whatever you
want to do like yeah i don't i don't care you make money, but you have to do something you like.
Well, I guess, you know.
Or something that makes you feel like you have a reason to be here.
I wonder if, like, if your purpose is starting a family, being a mother.
I don't know.
Like, I can't.
I think I'm a pretty good dad, and I think I'm very involved.
And a lot of it I really, really like.
And the other half, I'm just smiling through it, but I got to do it.
But that does not feel purposeful to me or unique to me.
There's a million dads.
And yeah, I guess pat on the back.
I'm not one of the scumbags. But there's a fucking trillion dads out there that are really good dads.
And they're all handling their business and raising their kids.
That's just what you're supposed to do.
I don't think that that...
Even if I was the best
dad in the world...
Best dad in the world is the worst dad.
Yeah.
I was going to say, how would you even measure
best dad in the world? I don't know, but I bet he sucks.
Yeah, I could see that too.
How do you think he sucks? I bet the best dad in the world sucks as a dad what what would you say like why flesh that out what is what is the the best dad like someone
who's i i stereotypically i i would guess that like the guy who's very involved with school
and the pta and coaches the teams and puts together these parties and is, like, very fun.
You have to do all of that but at just a lesser level
than what someone would do to be called the best dad.
The best dad, yeah.
Be around.
Dude, I always think about the Michael Scott quote.
He's talking about kids where he's like,
being a kid is easy.
I honestly forget what he says,
but he just ends it with,
they're adults for Christ's sake.
Like,
I,
that,
I,
that is how you should raise kids.
Just let them do what the fuck they want.
That's your classic.
Have we ever tried,
right?
Have you ever tried just letting them raise themselves?
That's obviously a joke,
but like,
I don't,
I think the best parent,
you should not be that involved in your kids life.
Let's read this.
Michael Scott, I don't get why parents are should not be that involved in your kid's life. Let's read this. Michael Scott.
I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids.
You joke around with them.
You give them pizza.
You give them candy.
You let them live their lives.
They're adults, for God's sake.
Bro, I don't remember the delivery of that.
And I don't know if that was intended to be to be a little bit like layered and kind of deep,
but like that shit's fucking for real.
Like how about this?
My mom had on,
on our fridge at home where she just had a,
a magnet that just said when they were alive at five,
my job's done.
And it was like,
we got to,
she got us to school,
got us home.
And then it was our own shit.
Yeah. Kinda. That was that era though. school, got us home, and then it was our own shit. Yeah, kind of.
That was that era, though.
That was, you know, Tim Dillon has that book out that's like,
it's just, I think, I don't know.
I think it's entirely about, like, that era of parents just, like, mailing it in.
Bro, I don't think I ever had a bedtime.
I had bedtime, but, like, I had to go to my room.
It wasn't, like, lights were out. I don't think I ever got grounded. I had to go to my room. It wasn't like lights are out.
I don't think I ever got grounded.
I don't think I ever got.
It was just like, I don't know.
Do what the fuck you want, man.
So me too.
This is our me too movement.
We're raised by wolves.
I don't know if we are the norm or not, though.
I had like everything was like the rules were in place
but you could break me if you wanted to yeah he was like be home by eight come on with 10 they
be like all right yeah yeah like and the only times i ever got in like real trouble it truly
was like just they never really yelled they would yell like you know like about little things it was
a big thing it was never like yelling. Yeah. But it truly was like
I just know that I disappointed them.
That was it.
Oh, I didn't care about that.
I've said that before.
I didn't give a shit.
There was something.
I don't know why.
Because I'd be like,
no, you're not.
We're just really disappointed.
No, you're not.
You knew I was going to have a party.
Yeah.
You're not even surprised.
Don't pretend you're disappointed.
You know what it was actually?
I'll say this.
I think the only time it affected me was when I was disappointed in me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then they were.
But if it was something silly, like a party, I wouldn't have cared about it.
I'd be like, no, this is what happens, you know?
When I got caught egging houses, I was like, I was being a piece of shit.
That is a shitty thing to do.
And I knew that.
And when they reacted that way i was kind of like yep
i think you're a fucking you're a loser dude that's a loser move i think maybe now i have
one that came to mind but i think i just never disappointed my parents because there was one
time where i i'm you know what you're saying yeah and i didn't do it i really didn't do it it was
like there was a girl i grew
up in a very portuguese town so the women were hairy portuguese and there was a girl who was
particularly hairy and people would tease her and they'd make fun of her and they call her chewbacca
and i didn't and they were
and she like walked into like the high school gymnasium once, and people were like, Chewie.
Did they go like, uh-uh?
And she said it was just me who did it.
And she had a crush on me, I think.
And I was the only person who didn't do it.
This is a wacky story.
She was trying to flirt like that i guess i don't know like and
that's a bad move i my parents were like what the hell is wrong with you i was like i didn't do it
i thought it was mean i was the only person who fucking didn't do it and then i was like so i was
being honest i guess it was so clear i was honest that they ended up believing me but that was the
moment where i could see like a like genuine disappointment and uh that was the moment where I could see like a genuine disappointment. And that was –
But had you done that?
Had I done that?
Would their disappointment have fucked with you?
I probably would have, yeah.
Yeah, but again, it's more your own disappointment, I think.
I – like anything else was – I don't know.
It's like – my mom's mom always told her, don't punish yourself.
So like grounding was just like, well, now that kid's around all the fucking time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anything that makes things worse for you.
Take away video games.
Well, then what are you going to do with them for the next fucking eight hours?
That sort of shit.
So she always said, never punish yourself.
And then I feel like that was put into place for me, and now I'm doing that with my kids.
That one runs deep in the Clancy family.
Don't punish yourself.
But, you know, the only time I was ever grounded, I think, was that egg incident.
And there was another drunk driving incident.
I was not behind the wheel, but someone else was, and I was in the car.
Even, like, the times I got arrested, they were, like, they weren't disappointed.
They were mad. They were mad.
They were annoyed.
They had to, like, fucking get a lawyer and shit.
Yeah.
It wasn't, like, again, they weren't, like, I guess they never tried to do the disappointing.
They weren't, like, what the hell?
We used to party at our son parties?
This is crazy.
Yeah.
I know.
You can't be disappointed in that.
I don't think I did anything.
Oh, and there was one time I was hanging out with my buddy
who was a year older than me on the basketball team,
and he used to go to the city and party,
which in hindsight, I was like 15.
He used to go into Manhattan and party.
That's a lot.
That's fucking a lot, and my parents wouldn't let me do it.
So it was funny.
There was two dudes named Mike. One was my best friend one was uh on the basketball team the older kid and um
she my mom didn't like one and called him bad mike there was bad mike and good mike but she
had it flipped in her fucking head she didn't know which was which. But anyway, we went to the – the story was that I'm going to your house.
I'm going to the movies.
And then I'm going to sleep over at Mike's house.
So I'll see you in the morning.
And I don't know.
That's got to be so annoying as a parent.
I fucking know you're lying.
Yeah, yeah.
So I think – because my mom, she must –
I would very much rather if I was ever a parent.
I'd be like, look, here's the deal.
Don't think I'm an idiot.
Don't fucking do this.
Yes.
Like don't – like if you're going to go – I don't know.
I guess it's one of those things you can't really know until you're doing it.
But I'd rather be like just tell me you're going to a party.
Maybe I can deal with the lie that you're not going to drink.
But don't think I'm so fucking dumb that you believe – I believe you're going to a movie and then to this other friend's house.
But then it doesn't pick up your stuff to go to your other friend's house.
Yeah, that's exactly what it was.
I'm not a dumb person.
I just remember I had to call my mom, or I think she called me a few times, and I was like, she knows something's up.
And we were in the apartment at an apartment party
in the hallway of this apartment we're smoking uh cloves those black cigarettes loved them uh and
i i'm on the phone with her and my my voice must have been quivering or whatever
my mom knows it and she goes um i'll just come pick you up at the movie theater don't worry because whatever
story i was spinning it actually became complicated where it was like his mom and she was like i'll
just come get you i think she knew what was up you know and i and i'm on the phone and i'm like
i just i and my buddy's like just you know he's trying to talk me through it. Do this. And I go, ah, I've been lying to you all night, Mom.
And he goes, no!
He literally screamed, no!
He goes, is that bad, Mike, in the background?
And she drove into the city.
At this point, it's probably like 11 o'clock by the time she gets me.
Drives from Westchester into Manhattan.
I think I was up.
I think I was in like East Harlem
and she picks me up
and we drove home in absolute silence
and it was like,
I remember that vividly being like,
this is like out of a movie
where it's like,
she was like, get in the car
and then nothing the whole drive home.
But in hindsight,
I was just like, I don't know.
I guess sneaking on and to manhattan is
a little bit crazy that's that's some bad shit but yeah that i don't know if we are the norm or
or the exception like are we were other parents like because i had never heard of that until tim
put out his book and then i saw a lot of people reacting being like oh yeah that generation did
mail it in um i i never felt that way i was never like these parents
aren't parenting yeah and get away with murder but it does i guess seem to be a thing that
because it's certainly a thing just comparatively speaking to it's i mean it's not it's one of
these where it's just like you know obviously everyone's different but the one the one i always
remember that i've told here recently i think was when one of the parents who – because most of my friend's parents were very involved.
Involved?
Yeah.
And, like, my parents were there but, like, not – I don't know.
They were, like –
Official capacity sort of thing.
Yeah.
Like, they didn't like to coach and do all that shit.
But, like, they were, like, very, like, helicopter-type parents, all my other friend's parents.
And when one of my friend's parents called my mom to tell her i was in the neighborhood riding bikes
but i wasn't wearing my helmet and i was like oh good i didn't know where he was and he was like
no no you don't get it no i'm calling he's like john henry's not wearing his helmet
but yeah but he's there and he's like yeah okay all right see you later yeah it was
a completely a person me reaching out to someone on a completely different level
than them.
I love that.
I have eyes on your son and he's not wearing a helmet and elbow pads like, but you got
no idea where my son was.
You got it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is I cannot even fathom like Keegan being like, all right, I'm going out and like coming
back six hours later, which is what like, you know, I hopped on the bike and would ride, you know, on the same street probably.
But why like why don't parents just do that?
I don't know.
But like you can you can.
I don't think I could.
I think I would be very, very nervous.
And I don't know why that's been like.
Beat into me by society or something, but like if I was was if i mean she's still a little bit young
but no not really no she's in like second grade now when i was in second grade i would hop on
the bike and ride down the street and like that was it i can't even fucking imagine that right
now like if caitlin was ever like so like where're shay and i was like i don't know she's out but same thing like vice versa i'd be like you don't know where the kids are
she'd be like well you know they're probably at that this park but they could be at the other one
they must get to that age though like like fourth grade well what are parents are you
scared they're gonna get kidnapped yeah i don't know I don't know. I don't know. Yes, I guess.
I'm not really scared that they're going to get kidnapped.
I think I'm getting kidnapped all over the place.
I don't think kids get kidnapped anymore.
You have phones.
It's tough.
Dude, there was so many kidnapped kids.
I feel like it was all day, every day, kidnapped kids.
Somebody knew somebody who got kidnapped.
No doubt.
There was always a cousin
of a friend who
got napped, bro.
Kids are getting napped left and right.
But now they're not getting kidnapped
and people are scared they're going to get kidnapped?
I don't get it.
Part of me is also I'd be afraid of getting in trouble.
I'd be like, oh, she broke her leg on my watch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it was my non-watch because I was just not fucking watching you.
I don't know what the difference was. Maybe the news being so in your face, like there's less of it, but you see it.
I don't know.
I do not know the
answer but i could tell you that like if i if i lose track of my kids for like 60 seconds i start
to get like wait where are they and then i oh okay you're over there but like there is always
you're a helicopter parent i'm not i'm not like uh i'm what what exactly is a helicopter? I don't know. Yeah.
Good segue.
A term I learned one time.
I, like, for instance, I'll go to a, we'll go to, like, overseeing every aspect.
No.
Okay.
I don't do that.
But I will be, like, if we're at a park and they're playing with other kids, like, I got eyes on all the time.
But I'll be, like, on the bench on the other side.
Yeah.
But I'm like, okay, you're still on the premises.
You haven't been napped.
That's a great question, though, because I wish it could go back.
And I think there's also – But you can go back.
I don't think I could now because like I would get in trouble I think
I don't think it's
if anything were to ever happen
or if like you know she went home to the nanny
or to her mother or grandparents
and were like
you know so I was at the
park yesterday
and like dad was home with Keegan
I'd be in so much trouble
you know what you got to do?
You got to start being okay with being in trouble.
Brother, you have no idea.
It's like when you get bullied at school.
Bully's yelling at you.
You're like, all right, man.
I'm glad that makes you feel better.
It's the final word, bro.
It's so true.
Like, I'm in trouble?
Okay.
That's so true, man.
There's nothing you can do. Okay, sure. trouble? Okay. That's so true, man. You can't.
There's nothing you can do.
Okay, sure.
You're upset.
That's okay.
You're allowed to feel that emotion.
I'll catch you later.
Fuck yeah.
It's just so goddamn true.
I mean, I also can't even, like,
Shay will go to dance class on Thursday nights for four hours.
She's in, like, three different classes, and they all are back-to-back-to-back for some reason.
That's insane.
Insane, first of all.
I want to sue the dance studio.
This is not loud.
If you want to do ballet and hip-hop, which are the two most popular things,
you have to do them both on Thursday night.
And if you're good and you do our recital, where it's a competition,
you have to do practice for that.
Oh, that's on Thursday night.
Oh, and you want to just add a second dance
and you also want to do tap dance. Like, guess what?
Thursday night. Like, what do you
motherfuckers do the other six days a week? What is going
on? How do you keep this business afloat?
Seriously.
But it's like they are like
they are adults at this point.
Like, what was the quote?
Like they're adults for God's sake.
Like their schedule is jam-packed.
If you do like one or two activities, everything has like twice a week this.
You know, oh, we added that.
Like there's a bonus.
It's just crazy.
They're fucking doing – they do more shit than probably like any adult um the uh speaking
to parents the this weekend i went to a play with my mom and uh i think for the first time ever
she was like how do people know you because she's caught you? Because she's been to a million barstool events and seen people in T-shirts and Patriots gear.
Be like, Futterberg.
This is Broadway, though.
We went to a Broadway show.
Johnny Broadway was getting his.
The guy at the box office just said, hey, John, I got your tickets right here.
We went to Will Call and I was like, get my wallet out.
I wish it was somebody other than your mom.
I wish it was somebody like, you know, that's fucking than your mom I wish it was somebody That was kind of cool
Did you need ID or anything?
It was just
Hey Johnny
Wow
Even I was like
Whoa
That's on Broadway
That is fucking good man
That's up there
It's like what my dad feels
When we're at Bruins games
And people are asking
To take pictures of me
Yeah
He loves that The guy at the Will Call At Broadway just recognized He was like that's up there. It's like what my dad feels when we're at Bruins games and people are asking to take pictures of me. Yeah.
He loves that.
The guy at the wheel called it Broadway
just recognized you.
I was like,
I get it.
That was weird to me too.
That's like getting
the compliment
from a black guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy
or a gay guy or a gay guy Like, that's Feidelberg? We got a little bit of that when we were... Granted, Sonny is a little bit different.
You know, we're not seeing fucking Phantom of the Opera or some shit where those people know us.
There's a lot of overlap.
But, yeah, when you're at Radio City and people are like, hey, what's up?
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, you know, you know.
The play was Gutenberg, by the way.
It's awesome.
It's really good.
Gutenberg.
Anywho, if you don't date somebody for their credit score, you're a fucking dickhead.
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Saving your closet one tea at a time.
Also, to kind of answer that question,
one time in college, I dated somebody.
It was like a situationship, but at USC, it's obviously hard to keep up.
I think a situationship is a real thing.
You're DeLulu.
DeLulu. DeLulu.
DeLulu is the Salulu.
Okay, but it's,
but whatever,
I don't know what else to call it,
so I'll call it a situationship.
But then like he,
I think came from,
this just changed my perspective of it
because he came from like less money,
I think.
And like at USC,
again, like it's-
Wait, wait, wait,
less than you or just like he's like-
Less than other guys you dated?
Like other, like USC people people just like compared to usc it's like i'm gonna say this is college this is like family money right not like yeah yeah family money not like actual money but like
i was like i don't care like i i don't care about that at all but i think like for him he thought he
assumed and like it's hard at usc to like keep up money wise and like you just kind of like it gets to you no matter what.
But like he definitely would start to get self-conscious about it and then would kind of take it out on me and like make me feel bad about myself in some ways.
Not like make me feel bad about myself,
but like I could tell like would definitely like,
um, I don't know. just so like as long as you're
fucking nice about it and don't like have this weird chip on your shoulder yeah I don't care
right in both ways you know if you're not if you're like a like a loud obnoxious rich person
yeah or if you're a insecure petty poor person like either one of those sucks
you all everyone has their poor like i'm my poor is uh manual labor being handy i'm poor at that
you know when it comes to that you know the things poor people are good at, I'm bad at those.
But I always think that same way, where it's like, don't have to handle it badly and say shitty things like I just did.
I'm just like, yeah, I don't know, I suck at it.
What do you want me to do do i'm poor at that not meaning like my performance is poor i mean like i am bankrupt yeah of the
ability that is fucking hilarious man i mean if you had your choice between a girl who was pretty and nice and rich, but like okay in bed, or pretty nice, poor, and a freak, what would you pick?
Rich.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
I'm surprised by you just don't have sex anymore no it's just like
the sex is like everyone's fine at sex i i don't know i i think everyone's it's you know similar
like pizza kind of thing yeah it like person a lot but, I really like a good slice of pizza, bro.
I really like a good slice of pizza.
But I'm not going to drive out of my way for a good slice of pizza.
I used to get furious coming home from Newport when Lou would stop at New Haven to get fucking Frank Pepe's.
Like, they got pizza in New York.
Let's just get home.
Are we talking about pizza or are we doing an analogy?
Because you also had friends that would go out of their way for the other pizza, too.
Yeah, that would annoy me, too.
Like, they got pizza over there, too too yeah that that's a whole other thing i think that whole new haven new haven thing is very very uh overrated i think what would you rather
i'd rather just have good like sexual, sexual chemistry rather than, like...
Okay, well, let's put it that way then.
So, like, you're either...
You are...
Like, if someone's like, oh, a freak, I'm like, it's like being a parent is a little too involved.
Sure, okay.
Take a step back.
So then let me describe it as this then.
Nice, pretty, rich, unfulfilled in bed, nice, pretty, rich, or nice, pretty, nice pretty broke super fulfilled whatever that version is for
you freak not freak whatever i guess i don't know i don't think i've ever been unfulfilled
i don't know what that's like with sex i get like but i got that's not i'm not like a fucking
porn star i'm not like i don't know is that what porn stars do i i think uh i think that would eat eat at you more than you think uh yeah i guess it's one
i guess i can't relate to i know that sounds like braggy but it's not like i don't know
i i think it's just it's like food it's pretty easy to satisfy me yeah i'm like well yeah but
if you you know you fell into one of those ruts where it's like it's been you know it's been
fucking two months it's been fucking two months.
It's been six months.
I don't think I've ever dated somebody and not had sex every day.
Yeah.
That's a rarity, I think, for a serious relationship.
I don't know.
I'm just too irresistible.
I wonder why.
You can't see a fucking drunk walrus and not want to fuck it.
I would say that fits my personality and body type.
Drunk walrus.
That is so fucking funny, man.
Like, ooh, I drunk walrus.
I got to fuck that thing.
Dude, I hope, I pray to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that there has been a time.
I mean, that's me.
With a mustache and everything.
That's me right now.
That is you.
That is you. Can you open up that whole tweet and see what right now. That is you. That is you.
Can you open up that whole tweet and see what it says?
That is you, dude.
That is fucking you.
If you're not watching on YouTube, there's a picture of a walrus podcasting.
And it's because he's at drunk walrus is the name.
That is.
34 followers gave up on the dream in what 2019 to go and become
a twitter personality
is that what it is
only 34
I'm so stunned
when these things
yeah he stopped
tweeting in August 21
man this could have been
but he did start
in 2010
so for like
10 11 years
10 years
someone was fucking
paying his bills
while he chased his dream
how about this imagine paying his bills while he chased his dream.
How about this?
Imagine if that was a woman.
If you told me that
whoever was behind at Drunk Walrus
was a lady, my head would
explode on that one, dude.
I mean, yeah, she's been tweeting since 2010.
But it looks like that's only like like 50 total tweets right more dedicated she did like five tweets a year basically
she missed all of those are my favorite twitter users 13 well like they come back there's no good
tweets but every fucking three months they're like hang, hang on, I got one. Yeah. That's so bizarre. That's got to be like a mental illness thing.
Fucking.
Are you doing the reflection?
Yeah.
What a weirdo.
That's funny.
That's funny.
You did it.
It's funny.
I knew it.
Crazy.
What about you, Jackie?
What?
Drunk.
Drunk.
Drunk, poor, rich.
Nice, attractive, and rich.
Or nice, attractive, and satisfied.
Because I think the thing is for a lot of girls,
satisfaction is money, too.
That is like a big box that gets checked.
Yeah.
But it's like...
I'm planning on getting rich.
Hell yeah.
Let's go, girl.
By yourself or by her?
My favorite position, CEO.
I'm going to use that.
Don't, don use that Don't
Don't
Don't
That is very funny
No I mean you're free to use it
It's just
There's a reason I know it
It's a little overly basic
Yeah
What?
Like it's a
I didn't just make that up
Like it's a
It's a
A thing
People say a lot I never heard it either though So there's enough people like that's like it's like i didn't just make that up like that's a it's a a thing people say
a lot i never heard either though so there's enough people who haven't heard yet um i i just
to wrap all this up like i've heard i've heard it framed as like i i'm attracted to, like, how well you do your job sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like that.
Which makes sense.
I mean, like.
Totally get that.
That is a pretty rare circumstance where, like, you, where, like, they know.
Like, if you were dating me and you see me on stage, I can understand that there's a level of attraction to that.
If you're dating a guy who's, like, you know, working on that sales commission, and it's like –
I mean, actually, maybe sales is some wheeling and dealing.
But, like, if you're just, like, I don't know, doing some back-end operations at, like, a finance house, it's like that attracts you because, like, you're doing well at that.
I don't know.
I feel like you just like that.
You can have a whole bunch of shit.
But I think passion
and purpose is attractive. Sure.
So if you like what you're doing,
I think that's attractive.
I just wonder, I mean, how often...
It's a very small
list of people who are making the money and they're happy
at what they're doing and all that. Yeah, for sure.
So my general point being,
and it's fine, whatever, I get it.
You only get one life. Live it how you want to live it.
But really, you're just like, I want to be able to have shit.
I want to have a marriage where we can go on vacations
or I can get a fucking G-Wagon and the ring's going to be big enough.
And it's like, just own it.
Just own it.
Just say it.
Rather than the gymnastics of it's attractive when you're passionate
and this and that.
I genuinely feel that. No don't even know what I do.
I genuinely feel that.
I get – no, I get that too.
I don't – maybe everyone doesn't.
But I like – whatever you – if you're into whatever you do, then I'm – if you're fake into it, then I think it's lame.
But if you're like genuinely into – it could be anything.
Then I'm like that's cool.
Yes, I agree with that.
I'm just saying that 99% of the time i feel like people like i don't
even know what they do your partner yeah it's like i think they're in marketing and they're like no
i'm in like security it's like not even fucking close so i don't know how how much that translates
like and a lot of these things are are inherently kind of boring like your passion for it might not
be but you start to tell me the ins and outs of like this fucking random thing you do it's like well that's not interesting yeah
i don't care but i can understand being attracted to the the passion i just think that it's also
attracted to like the fucking bag you bought me or the trip we went on or yeah whatever i think
i'd be more attracted to a person who's like excited to wake up than someone who's excited to do something
with what they got that day for doing something they hate yeah yeah yeah that makes sense that
makes sense how many girls out there do you think are like sugar mama like in the sense of
uh not in the sense like if you pay the mortgage or something like that, like you pay the, pay the rent.
But in terms of like show up,
like,
honey,
I bought you this fucking like leather jacket.
You know what I mean?
Like for girls,
it's like jewelry and bags and high heels and stuff.
And guys,
it's like,
I'm sure you could pick out things that I like that are tangible for the
most part.
I don't know.
You know,
like what percentage of people I'm just saying, do you think that that's a thing of like girls who make the money and like shower you with gifts
the way that like guys will do it you know uh i think it's a thing it's a rarity but like
i don't know i mean i'm sure it's a thing. I've never met someone like that.
Yeah, I've never even heard of that where it's like, you know,
there are plenty of girls where their girlfriends probably know, like, yeah,
like, oh, my God, he bought her.
Like, the nicest this, the nicest that.
I've never heard that in my life.
Oh, man, Stacy got him, like, a new pair of kicks.
Like, never even, never once, right?
Have you ever heard that?
Like, isn't that crazy?
And my point being
like i don't want that never thought of that never looked for that you know yeah but i guess
if someone just started coming home i never looked for unicorns either
well played sir that's obviously very rare and i think when it's done it's usually
the woman is much older like probably like five six not much but like i would say there's a big age gap yeah yeah as you're describing all this i was just thinking of the
bluths so yeah maybe it doesn't happen yeah it's and also i feel like some dudes like feel
emasculated by that so they gotta go through that shit too where it's like oh i could buy it myself
whatever if i couldn't buy it myself and someone could you can buy me some shit buy me some shit
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kfc fights everybody else um it's a beautifully crappy fall saturday i'm getting ready to bust
out some of my favorite sweatshirts and i got a few memories today because i went to
washington versus oregon a couple years ago and i had the tan quilted viva hoodie best hoodie i've
ever owned wore it all the time and a few years back i let my friend has a borrowed sweatshirt
pulled out like a crappy old sweatshirt that I didn't give a shit about.
Gave it to him.
Well, I went outside.
He came back outside wearing that tan quilted hoodie.
And I was like, fuck.
I was like, I shouldn't even like go the fuck back inside and change.
But I was just like, ah, man, that's not the one I gave you.
Just make sure I get that back.
Well, like less than a week later, we all stopped talking to dude i forget exactly what he did but did something fucked up till we all stopped talking to him
so that hoodie's gone forever um never to be seen again r.i.p it's literally my favorite
hoodie i've ever owned um so my question is what's one piece of clothing that was taken for you
whether like some girl took it in the morning
or like somebody borrowed it and never gave it back?
What's that one piece of clothing that like you just wish so bad you could get back?
All right, thanks.
I think the bizarre thing here is I've never heard of guys deading a guy.
When he's like a week later, we all stop talking to him.
I've had friends I've fallen out of touch with, but that's a slow process.
I've never had a guy, women almost exclusively,
guys where I'm just like, I'm done with them.
I don't think I've ever had that ever.
No, I've never heard of such a thing.
Where you're like, that dude did something bad.
He's dead to me.
And we're done.
I guess guys just have a longer leash with me.
I'm like, yeah.
I mean, you got to do some truly dark, fucked up shit to me for me to write you off.
You know?
As a guy?
Yeah.
As a girl, you just have to see me naked and be a little weird later just made a weird face that's it
i i i can't think of like anybody who i ever ever stopped talking to and really never talked to again.
Yeah.
I guess it happens fairly quickly where I'll stop talking to somebody.
But it's not for any reason.
It's just like, I don't see you, so I don't think about you.
And then within a month, you're out of my life.
And it will be great when I see you again, but I don't think to you and then within a month you're out of my life. And it will be great when I see you again but I don't think
to keep up with you.
I barely keep up with
people in general.
I'm not keeping up with ones I
don't really like anymore.
What's the question?
The question's about clothes, right?
Clothes, yeah.
I don't think I've ever had this happen.
I've never fallen victim to the stereotype of the girl stole my hoodie or anything like that.
I'm sure many women have stolen many things from me.
I just got so many clothes I don't even notice, dude.
Yeah, but even your most comfortable one you don't notice i couldn't
tell you my most comfortable hoodie is yeah because you're such a freak it's like my most
my favorite my most my most comfortable outfit is my like slacks and my you know button-up shirt
freak i i mean like all all not all hoodies are created equal that's not true i actually learned
the hard way this weekend.
But the – Yeah, like not even close.
A hoodie, like I don't know.
I've never been like to somebody, you got to try this on.
It's so comfortable.
There's –
About anything?
No.
That's like exclusively what I wear.
Like you got to try this on.
It's so comfortable.
The –
I'm sure it's like – I don't You've got to try this on. It's so comfortable.
I'm sure.
I don't know.
I'm comfortable right now.
You're just not, though.
I'm exceptionally comfortable right now.
No, you're not.
He's not.
He could be more.
I disagree.
Well, I'm sure I could be more but i'm perfectly comfortable yeah but that's more uh on account of your general apathy in life towards things not not like there's nothing
comfortable about that you're just you don't find discomfort in like a pair of pants and a sweater
no i don't that's that's it's more that it's not but i i But I also, I think I'm of the unique side of things here
where I appreciate people stealing things from me.
Because I'm like, I'm trying to spread the good word.
Like, here's a nice shirt.
Why don't you try wearing that around, you fucking idiot?
Like, I'm, when someone. when someone doesn't try you moron someone steals
something from me i'm like good i have a lot of other nice things yeah how about you try wearing
some nice things like i like like i i have i mean i i used to do to my brother all the time like i've
stolen clothes but the like i i get a sense of pride when I see someone wearing something they've stolen from me.
I'm like, yeah, I knew it.
That is fucking nice, isn't it?
You've never lost a hoodie?
I'm sure I've lost hoodies, but nothing that I –
I have hoodies I like, but I don't have a favorite hoodie.
I don't have anything –
I don't have a lot of things that i'd notice if they were gone
i i gotta this is the latest sherpa that i got it's very very very very nice very comfy i feel
like uh any of that stuff i i just have so much of it though you know what i mean like
any of the really comfortable stuff i've made so so I have, like, a thousand of them.
So it's, like, you know?
Yeah.
I don't have any, like, one-of-one type shit.
Right.
So, it's fine.
I'm trying to think.
There's got to be something.
I also, I also.
Sneakers are a little bit different.
I've had some people, like, no, It's just like
I mean
One time
Somebody like
Stepped on my shoe
Or
Somebody spilled a drink on it
And was like
I don't know
Whatever
The
I
It's hard for me
It's hard for me to get excited
Like get
Ramped up about that
They're clothes
They're supposed to be warm
Yeah
Oh don't
Like
The don't grease your Jordans
I think is like
The lamest thing in the world
Yeah
If you buy
Those things to put in your shoe or you walk so that you don't bend your foot.
It's insane.
You better be in, like, seventh grade.
For real.
Seventh grade.
I also, I was referring to guys earlier when I was talking about, like, I love when someone steals my stuff.
But, like, I also like when girls steal my clothes.
Like, I think that's
cool. I think that's hot.
I'm like, yeah.
I get that.
Look at you swimming in that sweatshirt. It's so cute.
Can I also say something real quick?
Sure.
I was thinking, you know how you guys give me shit for looking like shit to work every day?
But, like, guys' attire is so much comfier than girls' attire.
And, like, if I want to wear a cute top, like...
Dress like a dude.
Have you ever tried wearing a strapless bra when you have tits?
Like, it is so uncomfortable.
Every single day.
I've been constantly wearing strapless bras.
Okay, yeah, if, if like style for me
was, I mean,
and also like,
I just also dress like shit
like at work,
but like.
First of all,
you're making it
a little harsher than it is.
We tease you
for wearing meat sweatshirts.
I know, I know.
We're not like,
we're not going to walk
like Jackie,
you're dressed like shit today.
Well, I don't know,
but I mean,
the meat sweatshirts
is, it's gotten out of hand.
Like I actually have to
like reel it back in.
Oh, we got to get you, dude. The meat of hand. Like, I actually have to, like, reel it back in. Oh, we got to get you, dude.
The meatball guy.
There was dinner last week where someone, like, the best balls in New Jersey.
And some guy brought a bunch of T-shirts.
And it's just a fucking Italian meat shop.
It says best balls in New Jersey on the back.
No way.
I would so wear that.
Okay. So then, but you guys do, like kevin really is the one who gives me shit for i feel like and he you don't have much to stand on what what do i say i mean jackie always
looks like shit i can hear you saying that yeah so i just want to say like yeah again like if girls
like fashion was like you know baggy clothes all the time then maybe i'd come like something
to work kind of is now yeah you're living in it you're living in a good time well okay good point
currently right now yeah but if it was the Victorian era, how would I come to work fancy?
Yeah, like, you could, yes, you could wear, like, baggy jeans and a sweatshirt and have it be stylish.
But that's what I mean.
And you still dress like shit.
No, but I do wear, like, baggy jeans and a sweatshirt.
I mean, I guess, like, I just choose, like, neat sweatshirts.
I rose you because you just always wear all black, like, stage crew.
I know.
I would say you dress rather fashionable. It's just the meat sweatshirts. I rose you because you just always wear all black like stage group. I know I would,
I would say you dress rather fashionable.
It's just the meat sweatshirt.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm also like,
I'm always wearing self Tanner or on my period.
I think I'm always wearing self Tanner or on my period.
Jackie's like,
I got two modes.
Tan or bloody.
There are fluids constantly coming off of me.
Sorry.
Who's that girl in the meat shirt with fluids coming out of her?
That's fucking hilarious.
I think the meat shirts is now like a thing.
Yeah.
I'm almost jealous.
I wish I had something like that.
You're like Zuckerberg and fucking the hoodie.
I haven't capitalized on it.
I haven't made it cool.
I'm kind of at the point right before where it's like,
why does she always wear meat sweatshirts?
Yeah, yeah.
You need to go a little bit harder with it.
Because right now it just feels like
you have no clothes except meat stuff
where it's like just by chance.
I think if you own a deli,
if you own a deli,
if you own a restaurant,
if you are,
I don't even know who else deals,
who traffics in meat.
But anybody who does that, you got to send a butcher.
I was in Soho this weekend, and I walked by an old school butcher shop.
And I almost went in to get myself a t-shirt, and I didn't do that.
But I should have gotten Jackie one too.
Next time, I'm at that random butcher shop.
I think it was on Elizabeth Street.
We've got the meats.
I lost my favorite sweatshirt in college.
A girl came over, and it was a sick USC Trojan sweatshirt
that my dad gave to me.
And it was, like, vintage.
Like, you definitely can't, like, find another one.
And then a girl came over.
She asked if she could wear it.
I was like, I'm probably going to be hanging out with her a lot.
I was never so hard again.
Every time I'm home,
my dad's just like, where's the USC sweatshirt?
Just like an ongoing bit for years, like, where's the USC sweatshirt?
Exactly where it is.
I would take that
as a badge of honor.
I've
never in my life have I been like,
I need to get that article of clothing back from that woman.
I don't think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I need to get that article of clothing back from that woman. I don't think so. No?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm like – I was trying to think of a hoodie.
I was trying to think of a jacket.
I was trying to think of a – nothing.
I think also like this could like stem like from high school too like where like everything was communal.
Like we just wore everyone's clothes.
Yeah.
It wasn't...
It was like...
I've never been...
Like I said, I like spreading the good word.
Where does this trope come from?
I mean, I guess it is a thing.
Like, girls do steal guys' hoodies, right?
But we just don't...
I don't even think...
Jackie can answer this.
I don't think of it as like...
I don't think maybe they go out to steal them and collect them.
I think it's more like...
Wasn't there a girl...
You borrowed my sweatshirt.
You went home.
And we just forgot about it.
Was there a voicemail that the girl was collecting them?
Or a viral video?
She had a fucking closet full of them or something like that?
It rings a bell.
It's like when you steal a girl's panties.
Don't ever say panties again.
I'm kidding.
I don't do that.
It's in Revenge of the Nerds.
The panty raid.
God, that word sucks.
I say panties all the time.
Do you really?
Oh, yeah.
Like in a series?
You got a pair of sex on the panties?
I mostly use it when I'm trying to turn people off.
Yeah.
Mission accomplished.
Next up.
I've been ruminating for the last week or so since fights got back from Rome.
Because my husband and I are going to Italy in a week.
We live in 10 days. I'm geeked. I'm excited. Never been more excited, actually. I've been
waiting for this trip for five years. Now, when I say I was ecstatic to hear Fights' gelato talk. Okay?
Ecstatic.
Because that is me.
That is me, 100%. Me in Italy.
Pizza, one minute.
Next, gelato.
Shove it down my fucking gullet.
So I go home to tell my husband said sorry about your gelato experience.
And this motherfucker, you know what he tells me? He's not like,
oh, I'm also so excited for gelato, but he hits me with, yeah, you remind me a lot of
fights. I'm sorry. The fuck did you just say to me? is so mean to me he said and I quote
I remind him of Feidelberg
in every facet
now one would normally say
this is probably a compliment
and fights I love you buddy
I see the fucking parallels I hear him
every minute of every day.
I hear them, I'm like, man, that man is so mentally ill.
Like, who else shows that many mangos down their face?
I do.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Help.
That's the only way that could have ended.
I only get comparisons to women.
You've never seen a guy in my house like,
that reminds me of fights.
Always chicks.
It's exclusively women who like to eat too much
that was
that was one of the most low key mean things I've ever
that was like
a minute and 52 of just like
just chopping this dude down
just
from the other sentence
this is just someone telling me
hey Feidelberg in every fac, you remind me of a woman.
She also, she didn't hit you with anything good.
She said, Feidelberg, I love you, but, and then there was no good, there was no, like, you know, I love you, you do this and that.
It was just like, yeah, I love you, but you suck.
Yeah, dude, I like how people ask, like. They give me help and ask for the cure.
If I didn't know what it was, I wouldn't have fucking taken it forever ago.
Yeah.
I'd be a fucking Kelsey Pfizer guy.
Yeah, this is how it affects me and me.
I do think it's weird to say that to your girlfriend.
Like, if I ever had the realization that I was dating a girl like fights, I'd probably stop dating that girl.
No, you know what?
Actually, I say that, but, like, that's the – no.
That's what I'm gunning for. Now that I think about it, you have a lot of great female qualities.
It's like you want – you know, you want to date someone who's your best friend
you know and it's just that i'll i'll have sex with you you know what i mean like
that's the difference there's i want to have sex with you i get it
um the uh on the mango front they don't sell these on amazon on the mango front.
They don't sell these on Amazon.
On the mango front.
But I.
On the mango front, the new segment.
Oli Asia.
I've been on the quest to find the best mangoes.
O-L-L-E.
New word, Asia.
I just bumped into him at a store the other day.
I'm going back today to buy them out.
Red bag, best mangoes I've ever had.
They were, because mangoes, I don't know if you know this,
but they're like beef jerky.
Sometimes it's just like this is too tough to eat and all that stuff.
You've got to find the fucking right mango.
I've only had one bag,
so if you get a bad bag,
maybe it happens.
I'm going to go back to them and buy all the bags
and figure it out.
How many are you going to buy?
Five servings.
I don't know how many there are, but...
This motherfucker's talking about his...
You're legitimately talking about
your serving sizes of mangoes?
Well, I just looked at the back.
It's a bag, so it's one.
But on the back, it was one of five servings.
There are five whatever.
You know what I mean.
But the, yeah, Ali Asia.
They make a mango.
What does a mango look like?
What does a mango look like? What does a mango look like?
I don't know
In college, I had a buddy
Wait, can we do a test?
I know what they look like
I don't think I do
Can you quiz me and put together some fruits?
I don't think I would know what a mango looks like
You're good
I feel like a mango is
Orange Yellow mango is orange, yellow.
Yellow is orange.
And maybe the size of a grapefruit.
Does it have a skin, though?
Yes.
Like an orange skin?
Like you peel a mango?
Yes.
You do, and then you just eat it?
Yep.
When I was in college, a kid ate a mango.
That's about what you expected it to look like, right?
So that is like an apple skin?
I would guess so.
I actually don't really know that.
You can't eat the skin.
You can't?
Oh, you can't.
Because it's like unedible skin.
Is it? Yeah, you can't. No, yeah. it's like unedible skin is it yeah you can't no yeah okay i don't know i only eat dried they peel it for me um a lot of times they're like green and
red how do they make it look like that that's cool i would guess there's slice like slicing
is that how people serve it yeah and in college we had a kid who he ate it, and it was like that, and he kind of ate it like this.
And it turned out later that he was allergic to mangoes, and he had just this rash all here,
and it looked like he was eating some rotten pussy.
Rotten pussy.
It was fucking vile.
It was for days.
It was disgusting.
Next up.
One day, I'd like a man to call
and be like, I'm a lot like Feidelberg.
Just to really
put a pin in that or put a bow on that.
Hey, guys.
I have a fun fact.
Did you know that on the back of semi-truck trailers
there's these two bars that protrude down and cut across as a sort of a reinforcement to prevent
cars if they rear-end a semi-truck they don't go up under and cut people's heads off. Those are called Mansfield bars.
They're named after famous playboy and sex symbol Jane Mansfield,
who died that way.
Another tidbit of that fun fact, less fun.
In the back seat were her two sleeping children
who survived with minor injuries,
one of which, Law & Order's Mariska Hargitay.
Fun facts.
Those are exceptionally fun facts.
I like that quite a bit.
Yeah.
Mariska Hargitay, her mother was a Playboy actress?
Playgirl?
I guess so.
Mansfield bars.
That's it.
I mean, there's nothing to say about that.
That's the show.
That's the show. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. you