KFC Radio - Welcome (Back): Sad Boy Season Ft. Daniel Sloss

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - It's Sad Boy Season - Dads have so much confidence - KFC got owned by his kids - Feits and his cleaning lady - Jacqed Up - Week 6 NFL breakdown - Top 5 Thefts of All Time - Video Voicemails - 3 gallons of milk a week - peeing in a girl after sex - falling asleep to KFC radio 01:47:39 - Daniel Sloss on his new book, being the reason for hundreds of breakups and divorces, not knowing about 9/11 until four days after, and much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Come on, ladies! It's Sunday Milk Day! Let's go load up! I'm ready for this. Here's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. It's Clancy. It's Feidelberg. And it is fucking sad. Boy, season.

I think, right? I mean, we're obviously recording this on Wednesday. It's here. It is. There's a bite in the air. There's no way that it's 60 degrees right now. Whatever day it is. What am I, a fucking calendar? Just fucking.

What am I, a fucking calendar? I don't know the days of the week. This fucking place, man. I swear to God, I hate it here so much. Sad boy season has arrived. It ain't sad girl autumn. It ain't sad bitch fall. It's sad boy season, motherfuckers.

It is fucking sad boy season. And sad. The thing about sad boy season was it was open to boys and girls. Oh, we're very gender fluid here. Yeah. Everybody knows that. I'm part. We're non-binary. I'm mostly a chick. So when I say sad boy season was it was open to boys and girls it's always like oh we're very gender fluid it's yeah everybody knows that i'm part we're not mostly a chick so when i say sad boy show it's obviously for everybody a sad boy is so feminine yeah you know yeah a sad boy is more of a chick than it is a man yeah he's got no confidence yeah he's barely got a cock on him real feminine traits he's a failure.

He has no confidence. Hates himself. Just like chicks. Speaking of confidence, there's something like... Oh, I have none. I have fucking none, man. And this is why I thought of this this weekend. Why don't you? I have none.

Because I spent this weekend with my parents. Yeah. And it's something I've realized forever. But, like, it really shone through this weekend. Shone is a terrible word, by the way. It's S-H-O-N-E. I know. But, like, it should be, like, shined or something different.

I like shone. Shone sounds weird to me. But it's not going to be me, you, and shine fucking up there, okay? He says shine just pierces your bones. That's like when you talk. Why shouldn't I have confidence? Because you're a dad. And I spent this weekend with my parents, and dads just have this confidence.

It is undeniable, and it's unbearable. Do tell. Dude. Like when your dad proclaims something that's just incredibly wrong. The way they say it, it's unbearable. Do tell. Dude. Like when your dad like proclaims something that's just like incredibly wrong. Just like

the way they say it it's unbelievable. Bro, we were driving he's been to Manhattan a couple of times you know, right? We're driving through West Village

and he's just like this is Washington Square Park coming up here. Bro, you know I live here and you don't and you're wrong. Like it's why what inspired you to say that?

And even if it was, like, so what, dude? Even if you were right, that story sucks to happen. Then he was like, we were watching a baseball game. We were watching a baseball game. We were at an alcohol bar watching a baseball game. And fucking, what was it? of all the was getting taken out and right before that my dad was like it's probably about it for valdi and then there was no sound on the bar so right away it cuts the core coming out he's like i should be a fucking i know it right i was

like bro you've said 17 different things this game that the opposite happened how about john smalls the other day The hand on the bag. John Smoltz was watching the TV, and you'll see his hand comes off the bag right there and picked a time when his fucking whole-ass palm with that mitt was on the bag. People, maybe, I don't know if it's a dad thing or just an old man thing. I think it's old white guys. Because their whole lives have just been,

no, I think they've all just been like – They're told they're right all the time. Yeah. For 60 years, no one said I did something fucked up, so I think I got it. I can do it. Yeah. Dude, this didn't happen. I'll be like at home, and we'll be watching a game, and it'll be like –

It won't even flinch, but it'll be like touchdown coming up. It's like, nope. What do you mean? Just not, dude. Just absolutely not. Yeah. Well, Mac Jones is going to throw a six-yard pass here. Well, I guess when you have kids.

What are you talking about? It's like Mac Jones doesn't throw the ball further than five yards, man. I guess when you have kids, too, you're like, you're right. I mean, they're young and dumb. You know what I mean? You've been right. You don't know shit. I know everything.

Because they don't, and they just think you do. And then when people are old enough to call you on it, it's like, oh. See, this is what dads bet on. By the time I'm old enough to call you on it, you've paid for everything for 20 years. So I won't. I'll let you have it. I'll never, like, argue with my dad. You purchased my loyalty, so I'll let you fucking think that's Washington Square Park

coming up. Fuck it. You told a friend of yours he'd call you an idiot. Bro, I've watched Thanksgiving football games with my uncles and even my cousins, too, and they'll just be so wrong about something. Oh, well, the Cowboys always win on Thanksgiving or something like that that I just know is incorrect, and I'm just like, yeah, man. Okay.

You're banking on like I don't want an awkward encounter. And yeah, with my family's case, like you guys have done so much for me. I don't want the awkwardness of me having to tell you you're wrong. And I hope it never changes. It's the best. I am not saying there's a negative. I inspire to have. I aspire to have that confidence.

I want that confidence. God, I wish I did. I just don't have. I might fucking, if you're a lady in the Chelsea West Village area, you better watch out because someone's on the hunt for dad confidence. Your boy's about to throw out

You're not in any danger, I want to be clear. It would be consensually acquired dad confidence. I'm not going to rape you. Let me just be clear. By the way, my voice was scared to say that. That was so weird. That made me laugh. That was funny.

I was getting joked. Yeah. Again. Which won't happen to you unless you want it. Unless it's consensual. Which you will. Dad confidence is a whole thing right there, I feel like. It is.

Dad confidence. It's great, man. It's fucking. I was looking at my dad with more love in my eyes than my mom looks at him with. I was just like, man, you got fucking what I want, bro. I can't wait to be as dumb as you are, man. My kids, because I was saying your kids are always dumb and wrong. My kids got me this weekend.

And it's actually very funny because as we started this, I don't know if you were doing a mic check or something, but you were just saying like poop or doo-doo or whatever the fuck you were saying. What were you saying? I was rhyming with one, too. I said pee-pee-poo-poo. Yeah, pee-pee-poo-poo. Yeah, pee-pee-poo-poo. My kids just love to say bathroom shit now. They just say pee and poop and toilet.

They say toilet and start laughing, John. They just love it. Kids are the fucking best. But it's funny that's inherent. You know what I mean? Like you just know that pee and poop is funny and shit. And so Keegan says to me, what did he say? It's because you're embarrassed of it.

Yes, there's an inherent shame, right? Mark Twain, I think, said if you're embarrassed of something, if you're embarrassed of a story, it's one you should tell. And you're embarrassed of poop. So when you say it and do it, it's funny. Yeah, it's funny. I pooped. I did poopies.

Keegan said to me something like he was eating crackers or something, muffins. He was eating muffins. And he said to me, It's you, McMuffin. The best line from that movie. What is this? With the homeless guy in Superbad. It's you, McMuffin.

Yo, Superbad is... I just watched it for the first time in a long time. It really is just an absolute all-time great. Anybody who wants to tell me that's their favorite funny movie of all time, I wouldn't argue. But Keegan says to me, he said, like, say Pee Muffin. That's fucking funny. Right? But he got me.

I got, like, deez nuts by my son. I was like, Pee Muffin? And they were like, ah! And I was like, fuck! I fell for it. Because I didn't think it was P. I thought it was, like, P-Muffin? And they were like, ah! And I was like, fuck! I fell for it. Because I didn't think it was P. I thought it was like the letter P. I wasn't really listening to them.

And I was like, you just deez nutsed me. You're fucking four, and you got me, dude. It's so funny. And I also. P-Muffin, what a rookie move. Right into the trap, man. I also. Is your dad known for just

like taking like colossal shits and farting and smelling no so like like i feel like a lot of dads have that like you know that reputation i'll pick one of them a lot i'm not gonna throw that one on yeah like my my dad you know he'll blow the whole fucking house out it's like oh my god get like stand clear and i've i've never been that way but I will just rip ass in front of my kids all the time because they laugh. They love it. So if I feel like I got one on deck, I'll like try to make it happen. You hit him with a pull of anger? I haven't done that because I'm not that guy.

But if I do that to them, the house will come down. Like I'll just be like – You got to record the first time you hit him with a pull of anger. Yes. Oh, my God. That's so great. I can't wait. I'm going to have have multiple cameras set up.

Because if I've got to let one go, I would just ordinarily know how to do it like a fucking human, where it's not going to be a big deal. When it's just me and them, I'm just like, ah! Like, let her rip! Kevin's going to do Kevin Clancy's Farm Factory. It's going to be a bunch of cameras, gallons of milk, fucking cigarettes, fucking brew juice. Banana sinks. Yo, I have a confession.

Usually, while we have basically been on like a collision course as humans to like meet somewhere in the middle, you know what I mean? You and I? Yeah. And like, you know, I'll go off on one track, but then I'll come back. Yeah. And eventually we just become the same person. It's a fun life journey we're on. middle you know what i mean you and i yeah like and like you know where i'll go off on one track but then i'll come back yeah eventually we just become the same person yeah yeah we kind of we kind of like go like this you know what i mean like we'll separate and then come back separate and then come back uh but for the most part you know there's like jokes about me and jokes about you that you know and i'll look at like the social media and i'll see something i think that's about me that's about you you. But this morning or yesterday morning, whenever it was,

I see like how many pints of ice cream did I eat last night in my sleep? And I was like, how do they know? But then I see it was just you were tagged. So I was like, I am on the ice cream train right now, bro. You want to run? No, no, no. No, it's bad. John, it's bad.

How many movies are we putting down? I just discovered ice cream. What? Like for the first time in my life, really. I'm not an ice cream guy. I would have it like a couple times a year. And then I stumbled upon Haagen-Dazs caramel cone. And I learned about

16 handles Which I don't like the ice cream But what I do is I order all the sides I spent $40 on 16 One time once I ordered one medium sized thing And it was $40 with all the toppings I got Because I charged $2 for like a jello shot of toppings

You got 6 gummy bears in there I get the 4 ounce cups And then on DoorDash you can only order like a one order or a double order. And then I went in the comments and I said, send me another double of each thing. So I got two doubles and one single of

cheesecake bites and cookie dough and graham cracker whatever. And then I just eat it with my regular ice cream. I mean, I'm talking like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm talking like I'm eating

nothing but ice cream. Well, that's why you're farting so much. No, no. Yes, it is. No, because... No, no. You're like a chick

who just had a charcuterie board and was like, oh. I think I'm like those entire... I'm not farting around like anybody else except for my kids. But the ice cream is like, it's a problem.

Like, I'm already like the biggest I've ever been if I just continue to eat nothing. I mean, I'm not having meals, John. I'm just eating ice cream. The only thing, like, I think I'm in such a depression that the only food my body will even consider eating is ice cream. I'm a pregnant woman.

If I have to work to break it down, it's not happening. I'll enter thick, melt in the stomach, I'll go out of either hole, doesn't matter. So then last night, I am three-cheed to the fucking moon last night. And I had, you have to order some ice cream To get the sides So I got it They really are Can I just order the sides please I grab the ice cream

The cup of ice cream when I'm ready to go to bed And because it started to melt The cup was soft I end up grabbing it And just moving it And the top had come undone Just a spray was like soft, whatever. I end up like kind of grabbing it and just moving it and the top had come undone. Just a spray, a wave of caramel

ice cream everywhere. I had a huge glob of it fall on my feet. Like in between my toes, ice cream. And I am high as fuck. So I just started laughing like hysterically. And I'm like, I have the empty pint of a Haagen-Dazs I just ate.

I have like 50 little things from 16 handles empty everywhere. And caramel ice cream in my toes. And I was like, what is happening? Like, just eat a hamburger, man. Just have regular food, dude. It's a problem, John. Because when I get on the kicks, man, when I eat, when I get on a kick, I eat nothing but that. I'll eat tacos for 50 straight days.

You should get back on tacos. That's a good one. I recently did that, though. I did another, like, 30 days of tacos. Did you? Yep. I'll do, like, cheese steaks. I'll eat regular steaks.

I mean, so when I'm on a kick, it's a problem. But now it's usually it's a food this is just a goddamn ice cream this is a dessert this is what happens when you when you find out about something deliciously amazing like ice cream at the age of 36 i'm just like well i'm a man i can eat whatever i want whenever i want so i'm gonna have ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner now i end up becoming a child i did the same thing with cigarettes, so I'm not going to get it. Banana cigs, folks. Folks, if you want a true

sad boy experience, go to the Barstool store, get some sad boy gear, get the hoodies, the hats, we're going to have jackets, we have a full line of gear coming out this year. Put it on, go outside, enjoy some 40, 50 degree weather, smoke a Marlboro 100, and eat a banana all in one hand.

You got to have your banana and your cig in the same hand. I want your banana to soak up the smoke. Soak up the carcinogens. I burned my banana today. I burned my banana. I basically made my cook myself a plantain on the street corner. Bro, eating a, doing banana cigs in one hand. I don't think anyone's ever done it before now.

I think you're the first person in recorded history to have a banana and a cigarette all at once. I forget if I texted or tweeted this at you, but that is a fucking line cook move like you would. Yeah, you'd see that. The line cooks that I used to work with would just be like they would do it when they would do it it'd be so busy they'd be like fuck it i'm having a cigarette and go out there and just eat something while smoking and it was oh that's just i missed that that's that's dirtball baby that's that is that's absolute dirtball behavior what's really lost in the whole uh birth of banana cigs is the taking a break from the bar.

Like, when you need a bar break, that's dirtball behavior, too. Dude, I think people are nuts if you're not taking bar breaks. I think bar breaks are the most essential part of going to a bar. Well, I mean, how long before you need to take a break? Hour. I mean, that's not much. You don't need a break at that point. I mean, I'm not going on these extravagant breaks.

I'm just, like, I'll go outside, just get some fresh air, and just be, like, alone for a minute. You got to recharge your battery. I'll go on, like, a walk around the block. I'll go to. But that seems like a lot after an hour, right? I can understand if you're doing, like, a marathon session, but after an hour. An hour, two hours. Hour, somewhere in that hour, two hours.

Every. I think you're a pussy. Every hour and a half. It's just a little fucking Just to chill Just a little Look no one talk to me Leave me alone

Here we go Now I'll go back and be social Yeah My banana's done My cigarette's done Look when you're fucking Talking a lot You gotta

The brain gets a little foggy You're like I gotta go just chill for a minute I need you desperately To hit on a chick With a banana sig going on I need you to be like, yeah, baby, girl. Let me get that number, girl.

What's your snap, girl? You ever hooked up with a monkey, bubba? When I was in Hoboken, I used to have my buddies from Philly come visit me. Jay Hay was one of them. And we were at Texas, Arizona in Hoboken sitting right outside, right by the path. He lit up, had to be at least six, maybe eight cigarettes at once. He was just kind of holding them all in his hand. He had just a rainbow of them. He sucked them all in at once as people were walking by. And he'd be like, yo, baby girl, is this cool?

I mean, the looks that people were giving him were pure horror. Just a shaggy, redheaded man ripping six cigs at once. Like a fucking factory smokestack. Is this cool? Is this cool? Do you think I'm cool? We had one time, we had a buddy in college. I wasn't in college.

He was a friend of mine. Yeah, we did. And we bet him he couldn't smoke a full pack of cigarettes back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. And the only prize was we bought him a new pack. More cigarettes, yeah. Did he have to, like, could he slowly take his time and then take it, like, as long as there was no break or he had to, like, rip them? I forget.

It wasn't a race, so he wasn't like, pfft. Like, he could smoke, put it down. It was, I don't think he could leave his hand. Okay. But it wasn't like, pfft. Yeah, he could smoke it like a normal. There had to be pace to it, but it was, you know. And he did it?

And, like, by the time he got to, like 10th cigarette i would mean their pack it was like he was like ghost white and like shaking we were like dude just stop and he's like no i gotta do it yeah i did it i mean ruined his week cost me eight dollars i mean like i would like to say, like, whatever, man. He had the pride. He could say to you, like, fuck you. I smoked a pack back to back to back. But, like, nobody cares about that.

He walked away with nothing. For a non-smoker, that doesn't even sound hard. Like, why? Was that difficult? Bro, and, like, inhaling 20 straight cigs has got to be so fucking bad for you. And you're like, here you go, man. Here's like four singles. Like, whatever.

Yeah, this is like 2007. It wasn't that expensive. Yo, I don't know. I think the main thing, and maybe we can ask Jackie here before we get into Jacked Up. We also got our top fives. We've got voicemails. We've got an interview with Daniel Sloss on the show. Just a legend.

Very funny. Very, very funny. Just a fucking Latin. No, that's British. Scottish is hard. Scottish is hard, yeah. Oh, man, when I was watching Succession last night and, like, Logan Roy started to sound more Scottish to me than he normally does.

It was wild. You were high on it. Yeah, I was high. I was hearing things high. Oh, by the way, while we're talking, what were you going to do? Let's first do an ad. Let me tell you about Allbirds because the fall is here and it's time

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I like to wear sneakers. I don't want loafers and boat shoes and all that. But as far as non-sneakers go, Allbirds are the only pairs that really rock. So Allbirds.com. Check it out. Get yourself a pair of those wool runners. Do girls – what's the equivalent? And I feel like you might be the right person to ask because I feel like you and your crew are absolute idiots.

Like would – I met a bunch of your crew the other night, by the way. You did? Yep. With or without Jackie? Without Jackie. Really? Me?

Yep. Interesting. Did they tell you any stories? Jackie's scared. I don't know. I forget their names, but they're from LA. And they knew me? Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me? How was I going to tell you? I just told you. How else could you ever... It's Monday. It's like Monday morning. I met them Saturday night. I just told you. Okay, but who? I don't know. How else could you ever communicate with me? It's Monday morning. I met them Saturday night. I just told you.

Okay, but who? I don't know. I forget their names. People who were cheering on the Dodgers. This would drive me crazy. I'm with you, Jackie. I can't give one name? No.

You got nothing? No, I honestly don't think we ever exchanged names. And they just said, well, I know Jackie? Then how do you know that they knew me? I could just tell by their faces. This is so annoying. What do you mean, how do I know they knew you? They fucking said we know Jackie. How else would I possibly know this?

Why? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, then I'm glad that you met my friends, I guess. That was nice, guys. Like, when a guy is like, I bet you you can't.

Who the fuck did you meet? Bro, I don't know. Text your friends who live in New York who are from L.A. who are at a bar on Saturday night cheering on the Dodgers. Okay. What would the... Do girls do dumb shit like that? Will they be like, I bet you can't smoke a pack of cigarettes

back to back to back to back? It's all right. All right, it's on. I'm going to fucking do it. I feel like that's the best part about being a guy versus a girl is being dumb like that. I feel like girls don't do dumb shit like that. We do dumb shit.

Yeah, like certain people do, for sure. For sure, right? But I'm saying like the average girls are having fun like that. You just think that girls just don't have fun? Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much, yeah. I think that girls just don't have fun. No, it's actually like we just don't do anything at all.

Right. We talk about boys. No, I'm kidding. I'm fucking with you. Yes, we do dumb shit. Yeah, I feel like girls just sit down and drink mimosas and just complain about their boyfriends and talk shit about

the only girl that's not there. And then they rotate like that next girl. No. No. Ladies? Ladies! Back me up! The other day, I got kicked out of the bar because my friend and I did spit takes uh back and forth all right now we're talking face into each other's face hell yeah comes over and the bouncer says

you do one more spit take and you're out and i had a mouthful of water and i was like my friend and i was like take me out i i know that's what's up jack Jackie and I get sometimes some Twitter comparisons. And I have been kicked out for the same exact thing. We weren't doing spit takes. We were doing Triple H. We were just going... It's like super not cool to do in COVID.

That's not cool to do ever. But right now, spitting on people, really not going to fly. We brought powder to the bar once, and we were just doing LeBron the whole time. And I would just, like, you know, we're in a very crowded bar. I'm, like, a couple inches above, like, most people. And then you would just see, like, a puff of fucking powder. Got kicked out for that. That's good to hear.

You know, I like that.'s good to hear You know I like that I feel like You know Most girls are not doing spit takes though You think I'm wrong? Think there's an equal amount Of stupid shit going on

Between men and women? I think I surround myself With equally as dumb people Yeah So I don't No You said that so earnestly Like it was a good thing

You know I make sure I surround myself With dumb people I mean Yo I watched Brianna's story from Ohio University this weekend. I mean, I'm officially so old

because I was watching that and I was like, this is giving me so much anxiety. I was like, I don't know how this girl does this. This is like just day in and day out for her all the time. She's like a one-woman blackout tour. Really? Like, she just has to bring the noise. Like, she's just partying all day and night

as like the focal point of the party, outside in like backyards inside in the clubs taking pictures ripping cigs like people were just like throwing fucking drinks and drugs and she's like whatever her friend grace o'malley is like her ride or die she was just dressed as a magician all weekend she had a top hat and a black and a sounds fucking sick. So there's a story from Bree's weekend where she's in the bathroom with Grace. So Grace had this, like, oversized black suit on and a top hat. And she busted the button on the pants. So Bree asked somebody for shoelaces, and they, like, snaked it through and tied it off. And they're both so fucked up.

And Bree's like, so here's the situation. Like, Grace's pants, the button broke. Now we tied them off. And she's like, but, Grace, you're going with no underwear, right? And she's like, yeah, I got no underwear. She's like, so if that button pops. She goes, what did she say? She said, like, so if that button busts.

She goes, then my pussy busts. We're doing pussy busts. And then she had food inside her top hat. And she was going to put it on. And Brie was like, you don't need to put it on with the food in it, you know? She goes, like, you're not, like, a bit. And she goes, I'm a walking bit. I am just a bit at this point.

And it was just, like, two dumb girls in a bathroom. And I was like, yes! This is what it's about. One's dressed as a magician one's blacked out we're doing pussy busting it was amazing walking that yeah oh it was so good man it was so so funny but yeah i uh i'm happy to hear that i'm here i'm happy that you and your friends are dumb jackie it's just so much more fun and interesting you know what i mean it's just like so much better that way to be like a colossal idiot and i to be fair i was always more of the uh yeah she is on the ride home look it's probably like too late uh if you if you go on twitter uh chicken pride posted like there goes my hero and it's just like it's an action shot of uh like in the crowd no no it's her like walking by

herself like to the party because i i remember replied to one on brie's uh story where i think brie was up on like a yeah look at this six pack there was uh she was up on like a balcony or whatever and and um she was shooting down and like in in the whole crowd of people you could just see the top hat sticking out by herself not doing it for a camera or anything as far as I could tell I think she kind of did a spit take I think she like chugged something and just went and it was just like yep that's just how she's

living man but I can't I mean that I was officially like oh I'm so old because I was like this looks like I would not want to do this at all like I used to see blackout tour pictures and shit and be like oh my god that's awesome now I'm like no way. But, you know, she's probably off

to the next one like right now as we speak. But yeah, being dumb like that, you know, it's like, what did that guy get?

Nothing other than the memory of like, remember that time I ripped the fucking cigs back to back to back to back to back? I almost died. Yeah, man.

Yeah, man. To be totally honest. What? I haven't kept in touch with him. He's probably dead. I don't know if it's from Lunker. He just seemed like he was going to go.

He had a look about him. He had a feel about him. I was like, oof. You better enjoy your time in this world. What exactly is the feel, the vibe, the look of someone who's going to die soon? If you saw him, you'd know. You would just get it? That's a guy you'd need to know. I know you haven't met this kid because if you'd ever seen him before ever, I don't even mean him with me.

I just bumped into him on the street. He's he's he's not long for this enjoy the next few months dude what do you think what do you think this is an interesting question oh wait speaking of bumping into someone on the street thursday night i was walking in the west village and some kid walked in front of me and he like he walked too close like like i'm walking like this like that kind of deal i'll do another if you're watching on youtube john is now bang like that yeah it was just like i had to i had to halt a step yes i know exactly what you mean i didn't like kick him i hate that usually people inherently kind of time it so it works but when you got to do like a hesitation so that they walk by, ugh.

And then Kevin, I gave him a look like this. We went down and I went, this fucking douchebag. Because of how he looked. Tell me it was someone you knew. And then as I kept walking, I looked down. And Kevin, I swear to God god We couldn't have been more In the exact same outfit If we tried

Like bro Bro this kid had I was gonna say You are a douche bag This kid had Like a flat hat like this He had a mustache He was a brunette

Except for blonde Or red And he was It was this With a stupid mustache With big pants Yeah And a fucking jacket

Like a I can't believe you're a big pants guy now It's like It's crazy to be a big pants guy. I only have one pair of big pants, but I do like them. But I looked at me. I saw me. And I went, this fucking douchebag. And then I woke up the next morning and just continued my life.

Did it again. Put the same fucking clothes on. I didn't make a single change about me. I didn't think about the fact that everyone who looks at you thinks douchebag. Just let it be. It's just part of my. Like you are just a douchebag to your core. Like everything.

The fiber of your being is douchebag. But I'm also a piece of shit. Yeah, definitely. And also like a piece of garbage. I'm on Are You Garbage today. You are human garbage. But I feel like those are not mutually exclusive, but there's a,

the Venn diagram is small. Douchebag and garbage? No. You don't think so? I feel like a douchebag is a little more like, like garbage is kind of not giving a shit about anything.

A douchebag like tries. Yeah, a douchebag is a little more like, you know, it's like, dressing like a douchebag usually means you're like trying to do designer shit and you're douchey

versus like garbage is just like you dress like you're from fucking South Asian Army. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. But also douchebag usually means you're, like, trying to do designer shit and you're douchey versus, like, garbage is just, like, you dress like you're from the fucking South Asian army. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. But also douchebag can just be, like, you're a fucking piece of garbage douchebag, you know? Like, you could say, like, Dan Blaserian, I saw him recently. He was on Logan Paul's show. Like, he's a douchebag, right?

Because he's, like, worth a lot of money, right? But would you also be like Ah what a piece of shit Yeah but I don't think piece of shit is garbage Garbage is different than piece of shit I think douchebag and piece of shit That's a pretty solid thing What about trash What about like your trash

Versus like your garbage I think that's That's a step That's a step above It's a separation from garbage It's got a foot in both holes Right Right you're living in two worlds Yeah But like I think garbage is kinda in it's own What foot in both holes. Right, right. You're living in two worlds.

Yeah. But like, I think garbage is kind of in its own. What's like the hierarchy? Like what's the, what's the last thing you want to be called?

What's the worst? I think douchebag's Douchebag's pretty bad, right? Because of like really what it implies, which is like you're like a selfish fucking, nobody likes you,

your presence. Because like garbage can be funny. Which again, I am. Garbage is like a funny thing. Yeah, I think garbage is a term of agreement. Garbage, I would be like, call me garbage because I think that's like, when again, I am. Garbage is a funny thing. Yeah, I think garbage is a term of agreement. Garbage, I would be like, call me garbage, because I think that's like, when you're on

Are You Garbage?, you want to be called garbage. You don't want to be like, you're not garbage. Then I think trash can- They put me in the Hall of Fame for garbage this episode. Yeah, I mean, you deserve it. They're like, you're in the Hall of Fame. Banana Sigs is so worth it. I just saw a tweet that said, this changed very quickly from Are You Garbage? to Are

You Dying? I just saw a tweet that said this changed very quickly from are you garbage to are you dying? Yeah, I mean, there's nothing about you that's even remotely not garbage. So you have to be a Hall of Famer. Right? I mean, it's definitely – I think they said things that I – I prove that it's more – it's nature defeats nurture. Nurture, yeah. No, no, no. Nurture defeats nature.

No, because they were like you were nurtured in a good family well but nature just took over okay i get that i think it's more like i think it's more yeah it's like you were born into a good family but you you you're the way you lived your life just threw that right in the garbage yeah you set that head start on fire and let everyone pass you you know you were you started out well ahead and everyone's laughing you now bro but i think like a garbage is funny trash is like oh boy that guy's trash where it's like every now and then it's it's a good time to hang out with someone who's trash you'll end up doing banana cigs or ripping a whole pack of cigarettes smoking 10 at a time and then you get into more then and then it becomes offensive like anything after that i

think is where it's like You don't enjoy my presence Or my company Exactly Then it's like you're an asshole And then douchebag And all that Right But garbage is kind of endearing

Garbage is definitely Trash is kind of fun Trash is fun Garbage is endearing Trash is fun Douchebag and asshole Is kind of like we don't like you Yeah

Yeah So I wear the uniform For a douchebag No You dress like a fucking Colossal douchebag But I But at your heart, you're garbage.

Exactly, yeah. You know what you are? At your heart, you're garbage. Your behavior is trash. You're professionally an asshole, and you dress like a douchebag. That's John. That is John if you put him in a little pyramid. That is fucking John right there.

But you'll always have the base. The foundation is garbage. And that's why you'll always be you. How about this? This weekend I pulled what I think is one of the more classy moves. I can't believe I didn't bring this up earlier. This should be good. When you were talking about your kids and farts and stuff.

So I had a cleaning lady to come. And I have a little trick I do. You did the pre-clean, right? I did a pre-clean. That is one, by the way, from our last top five of moments when you know you're old is when you agree to do the pre-clean for your cleaning lady. I did the pre-clean, but I also found a bit of a loophole in my years in New York. I've never used the same cleaning person twice. So you don't care?

No, because I lie to them. I tell them I just moved in. And that's why it's in disarray. I was like, I just moved in. I kind of just dumped stuff in here. And you just fucking cross your fingers so you don't see the food that expired in 2019. Yeah, I bring all my cabinets. I bring old food.

It's the place, too. So I cleaned up a little bit, but my bed wasn't made. My room's a mess. There's shit everywhere. So I was like, I just moved in. I'm just trying to get a little organized before I kind of move out. But she was 20 minutes late, Katarina. It was such a weird stage where I was like, I got to fucking shit.

But Katarina was gonna come You can't fucking dump up the house Right before the cleaning She's gotta spend like Four hours there And it was shit in her nose Dude So I was

She So I was running out Just to my My porch To fart To come back What a gentleman Yeah I was like

I was like this is I was alone in my apartment This is fucking class Just like running out To the porch To the bar This is class John's out here

Giving himself a gold star Like What a guy I am I don't know if she's ever Cleaned the White House But this is maybe A step down Maybe a step up

Dude my cleaning lady At this point Is like A part of my family And knows where like The bodies are buried Really I mean like

When she sees my kids She like They give them hugs Gladys No shit And she She cleans both of our houses So like she goes over to

The kids mom's house And it's like Let me like Dust the fucking You know The In between the blinds. I mean, dust.

They come to my house, and it's like, was there a war in here? But, I mean, she's, like, seen, like, sex toys and lube, like, stuff that I'm like, oh, my God. I can't believe this poor woman had to see that. Dude, but see, you're lucky because you're in the burbs and you have i feel like cleaning people are just better out there like where i grew up cleaning people unbelievable right they fold the clothes they put it away like yeah they do that it's a whole shebang we're in the city they're just like katarina walked in it wasn't a hello kitty backpack but it was that size of like a purse yeah she walked in like she owned the place i was just like hello

yeah i had a guess uh you look mean figured you were named katarina and then she i kind of like showing around the place all right so like you know yeah here's the bathroom here's this here's that like yeah i know motherfucker and she's like okay where does vacuum i was like katarina you don't have the cleaning stuff one you should have brought that two i haven't shown you a carpet this the whole place is hardwood what i don't think you know how to clean if you're looking for a vacuum after looking at this for this apartment you're doing it wrong i don't think you know well you can vacuum uh hardwood floors no i mean i mean my vacuum has a setting for hardwood floors yeah but. I mean, you can. My vacuum has a setting for hardwood floors. Yeah, but no one uses that. You fucking swift for that or mop that or shit like that.

Right, right, right. I was like, we didn't do that. I figured you had the car outside or something. You're going to go get all your stuff. She had nothing. Bro, my- I handed her a roll of paper towels and said, see you later. Guess what?

Got a text four and a half hours later. She worked for five hours. Do you know what that cost me? Kevin? How much? $500. Whoa. Yo, you gotta come to the Verge, bro. And when I walked back in, because I left at nine in the morning, so in case anyone was wondering why I was here early on

Friday or Thursday. Friday. Because it was a cleaning lady. Or by early, I mean in the morning at all. If you see John in public in the AM, it's an early day. Right. And when I went back, if you would fucking men in black me, I wouldn't know the cleaning person came. Really? See, when my girl comes, it's like, it's so depressing.

My kids go, oh, Gladys came. The only time they ever live in anything clean in my apartment is when the cleaning lady comes. It's your fault. Yeah. Oh, my God. If you look at my apartment right now, oh, my God. It is absolute chaos. So I'll have Gladys come.

And so it's like $200 for me, and I'm overpaying her because I know how messy it gets with the kids. But she'll be there for fucking – she'll come in the morning, and I'll get a text when I'm on my way home. She's like, all right, I'm all done. I'm like, oh my god, I didn't pay you enough apparently. Really? But also I want to tell her I'm like, you don't need to clean inside my cabinets. Some of these things are crazy. Like I watch her.

First thing she does, she comes in and takes all the cushions out of the couch and cleans in the couch. I'm like, I don't really get what she's talking about. It's nice, but I only hear what people see. Whatever.

I am superficial. By the way, I also think a list one day we'll do a top five of things that are most worth the money. Like traveling. Not traveling on the fun law bus. Wash and fold, worth it. Have a clean lady. It's just worth it.

And the first day when your shit is immaculate, and it only lasts for like a day, but that first day is awesome. Dude, I got in and I moved my dining room table, my coffee table, my porn box, and remind me. That was so genuine.

My coffee table, the thing, you know, the porn box. I will take a picture. I'm going to take a picture of this. What's funny is I think you've sent me a picture before. Oh yeah, it's like a treasure chest. Yeah, it take a picture of this. What's funny is I think you've sent me a picture before. Oh, yeah. It's like a treasure chest. Yeah, it's just so much fun. But I moved it accidentally.

That's how light it is. I put my foot on it, and it slid out. And there was a plate of food under it. I don't know from when. She didn't even move this very light table. I don't know when this plate of food is from. And the cleaning lady came today, and it's still here. I don't know when this plate of food is from. And the cleaning lady came today and it's still here. I get it. It's hard to blame

anybody else in the world for a plate of food being underneath your porn box. That's on you, brother. That's not on Katarina. I'm sorry. She's not a very good cleaning lady, but plates of food under your porn box. You're not a very good human. You're not a very good you. She's not a very good cleaning lady, but plates of food under your porn box. You're not a very good you.

She's not a very good cleaner. You know what's terrible? Finding an old bottle, an old baby bottle. Did you see that off the floor, John? Yeah, whatever. Okay. Well, no big deal. I just wanted to call out because I didn't catch it on camera of you picking it up.

You know what I've been doing with my kids since they were born now? No big deal. I just wanted to call out because I didn't catch it on camera of you picking it up. You know what I've been doing with my kids since they were born now? When they want to have marshmallows, I don't know why I did this. I was just having fun with my kids because they're like little puppets. I told them, when you want to have marshmallows, it's okay, but you have to catch them. I throw them at you, and you have to catch them. And if you catch them, then you can eat them. And if they drop sometimes, they pick it up and go, and they give them back to me.

We do five-second rule. That's why it made me think of it. They were like little babies when I was doing this, like marshmallow throw and catch. Shay is almost six. She goes to the cabinet, grabs marshmallows, brings them over to me, and hands them to me, and then stands there ready to go.

She now has a broken arm. And we're still doing catch and throw marshmallows. I think they genuinely think you – like, she's going to go to a friend's house one day and they're going to have marshmallows and she's going to be like, all right, I'm ready. And they're going to be like, what the fuck are you doing? They genuinely think you can't eat marshmallows unless you catch them. That's fucking awesome. Anyway, jacked up? Jacked up. Jackie, a lot of pressure today. Jacked up. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Anyway, jacked up? Jacked up.

Jackie, a lot of pressure today. Jacked up. A lot of pressure. I didn't get to watch much of the Patriots. Jets by weekend. I was working yesterday. I didn't watch anything. So this is your Tuesday afternoon, one hour into the episode, NFL recap.

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Promo code KFC. Three minutes on the clock, John. We've got week five. Six. Six. Oh, my God. Idiot. Jacked up.

Okay. Go. Okay. Normally I start with the Jets, but the Jets. Were you confused? It's bye week. I was confused because I'm a football fan. I'm married to the game.

I'm the only one who watches now. Mac Jones, zero interceptions because they had a bye. Nope. Nope, that's not true. That's not true. The Patriots played. It meant Zach Wilson. Zach Wilson.

I get them confused all the time. Yep. But that's true. He had zero interceptions, so that's a step in the right direction. Okay, what do you want to hear next? I'll go Viking Pants. Nope. Nope.

I'm going to go Packers Bears. Yeah. Yeah. So, drums. Not really, but Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers goes to the crowd and says, I own you. I still own you. And you know what?

He kind of does. Oh, owns the Bears. And he owns the Bears. And the Pack, what is it, 25? There's some, he just always wins against. Yeah, always wins. Because you know what the Bears do. What do they do with Aaron Rodgers?

They just leave. They leave. They keep giving Aaron Rodgers time on the clock. That's the number one rule. The Bears must start the game and be like, there's so much time on the clock for Aaron Rodgers. We're fucked. We left 60 minutes on the clock for Aaron Rodgers. I own you is in all time.

But when it's as true as it is. Yeah, right. Okay. Viking Panthers. It goes into overtime. Something about Darnold calling back-to-back, I don't know. But you can't do that. So they did some – I don't know, but there was some kind of like penalty.

Okay. And then Kirk Cousins – I don't know he did pretty well i did i have kirk cousins good okay next up okay and then um next up is okay i'll do sealer seahawks also in overtime last week a lot of um field goals this week a lot of overtimes i actually don't there actually could be always that much overtime so i just felt like it was a lot of overtimes. There actually could be always that much overtimes, but I just felt like it was a lot of overtimes. Steelers win overtime. What is a conversion?

Like a fourth down conversion is when you get the first down. When you convert whatever you're trying to achieve. You can convert the touchdown, you can convert the first down. Okay, so Steelers' possession can't even... I am So what happened there with the overtime

And the last couple seconds on the clock Did you Okay I actually So I actually did watch this I know that So Sorry this might be going over three minutes There was something about

Okay so it was overtime, as we've discussed. And then they – Steelers had it. Oh, okay, okay. Steelers had it, and they – oh, oh! Okay, okay, okay. So Steelers had it, right? Who was the quarterback for the Steelers? Ben Roethlisberger.

Okay, he sucks at, like, throwing. Like, he can't get it more than it more than five yards at a time. So he's going, and they're trying to get there, and they keep getting right up to the line, and they can't even get the first 10 yards or whatever. And then Brown on the Seahawks, I don't know his first name, but he just has an incredible sack. It was a sack.

Yeah, it's when you tackle a quarterback. And he has an incredible sack. And he just, like, goes up. And it was a third down. So then after that, then they had to, like, whatever. And then the Steelers kick a field goal. And then they won. And they won.

And then, wait, did he get any pats, Cowboys? Yeah. You asked and you shall receive, baby. And you shall receive. Digs, intercepts, or picks? What's the difference between an interception and a pick? It's the same thing. And he runs it.

Oh, okay. So it's 21-20, right? Right. 21 pats, 20 Cowboys. Yeah. Digs. I honestly don't really fully understand this, but he intercepts. Oh, and he.

So, okay. He's on the Cowboys. This is on the Cowboys. Dick. Mac Jones throws. Oh, remember I said that Mac Jones isn't super wrong because he threw it, throws it. Diggs catches it.

Runs it to the end zone. 20, 26, 21, 27, 21, 26, 27, 21. Jake Bailey goes to punt, and then somebody from the Cowboys blocked it. That was separate. That was before. That was earlier. But that was just out of order. I didn't really know that that was possible, that that could happen.

Yeah. That's pretty rare. That's jacked up. That's jacked up. That's jacked up. That's jacked up week six. That was my favorite one yet. That was amazing. Thanks.

That was absolutely amazing. That was by far the best jacked up. That was incredible. It's the greatest NFL recap on Tuesdays. No, it really is. Find me a better Tuesday afternoon NFL recap. I'm sure you can find literally anything else that's better. I don't think so.

I really don't think so. I don't know if that's possible. Top fives today? Top fives. Top five in honor of – so we all know about Kacey Musgraves, that dirty bitch. That bitch stole Sad Girl Fall from John, Sad Boy Season. She announced her album and all this shit. Her new merch is all Sad Girl Fall.

And then Adele comes through and drops her new single. And now Adele has not proclaimed it, but the news outlets were like, Adele is back, so Sad Girl Autumn is here. First of all. Gentrified like a mother. You got gentrified like crazy. I've been gentrified. I didn't think it was possible.

Cultural appropriation? It is. Oh, are you didn't think it was possible. Cultural appropriation? It is. Oh, are you guys depressed and suicidal? Yeah. Then you don't get to use my culture. It's not your costume. My depression is not your costume, man. If you call fall

autumn, by the way. You're not depressed. You are a fucking asshole, man. If you call fall autumn, you spend too much time on Pinterest to be depressed. Yeah, you read way. You're not depressed. You are a fucking asshole, man. If you call fall autumn, you spend too much time on Pinterest to be depressed. Yeah, you read poetry, and you're on Pinterest, and you like, you know. Sorry to gatekeep, but I'm gatekeeping. Yeah, absolutely. If you say autumn. You're not serious.

You have too much live, laugh, love in your kitchen. You have too much vibrance for this season, if you call it autumn. Which is also sneaky, the most depressed people on the planet. The people that live, laugh, love? Live, laugh, love. Oh, yeah. The people who are living life, like, with the Instagram in front. Oh, if you call it autumn. Which is also sneaky, the most depressed people on the planet. The people that laugh loud? Oh, yeah. The people who are living life with the Instagram in front. We talked about this recently. We talked about this loss. We're like, their homes are immaculate

and they pretend to have their happy homes. So, you know, everything's so clean because I just need to get the fuck away from everybody. Right. No, the people who have immaculate Instagrams are going to kill themselves. They'll end up dead in a week. Absolutely. So, sad Girl Autumn, Sad Girl Fall is here.

Adele, by the way, is just a machine. She's a monster, dude. The numbers that she's put up are fucking insane. Really? Like, she sells so many albums.

I think the song's okay, but it's insane. That's a lot. I mean, her voice transcends everything. You know what I mean? There's no... Everybody knows that Adele's got pipes, bro. I love Adele. I mean, her voice transcends, like, everything. You know what I mean? Like, there's no, like, everybody knows that Adele's got pipes, bro. I love Adele.

I would marry Adele right now. I like Adele very much. I would marry Adele right now. I wasn't like, oh, my God. It's a good song. I've been all of her songs. I'm an Adele fan myself. Her voice is fucking unbelievable.

I'm so happy for Sad Girl Autumn. When I heard her rap, Monster, I was like, I'm in love with you. You're my favorite person alive. But in honor of these rat fuck thieves who are stealing Sad Boy Season from my guy, today we're doing top five thievery's thefts of all time. If you've seen any of the Sad Girl Autumn, if you've chuckled at any of this SNL jokes, if you've wept to Adele or Kacey Musgraves, you have to buy sad boy stuff.

That's the rule. This is our livelihood. Yeah. They stole it, and this is our livelihood. They stole it. They don't need it. They don't need it. They don't need it.

They're selling 40 million albums. Right. Sad boy season puts food on the table. I'm selling a handful of sweatshirts. I need to buy more pints of ice cream. So buy the Sad Boy fucking sweatshirts, god damn it. We got sweatshirts. We got jackets.

We got t-shirts. We got long t-shirts. We got hats. We got anoraks. We got fucking, I don't know, winter hats. Fucking all kinds of shit. Kevin's shoes coming out. Those aren't Sad Boy, but they're coming out anyway.

Everything. You gotta buy our stuff If you've taken note Of how fucked we're If you've made a joke on Twitter Yeah About How much we get fucked

Hey you should copyright stuff Yes We're not gonna do it So just buy it It's your It's your like Like your duty Your civil duty

Yeah You have civic duty To buy a fucking sweatshirt If you've ever watched our shit Or made fun of how pathetic we are. Okay? They're not expensive. Just fucking buy it.

Top fives today are brought to you by Nectar Sunglasses. Where are my Nectars at? Where are my Nectars at? Who stole my Nectars? I got a pair over here. Wait, who stole my fucking Nectars, though? I think they just got moved to the shelf. Toss me your Nectars, but I want to make sure that mine are still fucking around, because

I would not be surprised. Huh? Yeah, I mean, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those ones, too. They were here yesterday. These ones are, yeah, I'll rock these. These are the ones that make me look smart. I got enough people.

I was thirst trapping with these. But you can get it all. You can do the shades. You can do the blue light filtering glasses. But Nectar is the new sunglasses company we're rocking with. And I got to be honest, these are some of the nicest high quality while still affordable sunglasses we've had. The matte black frames, the polarized blue lenses. I like just the ever so subtle blue tint on the blue light filtering glasses

with a little bit of the tortoise shell design. It's just high quality, fashionable, nice sunglasses. And you know why? Because they're an East Coast brand. They're none of those fucking West Coast douchebags. Nothing floofy-hoofy. No. You know, West Coast douchebag.

East Coast asshole. You know what I mean? There's a difference. It's like, yeah, you'llbag. East Coast, asshole. You know what I mean? There's a difference. There's a difference. It's like, yeah, you'll call us assholes, but we're straight to the point. We're straightforward. And that's what these are. The Nectar Sunglasses brand. It's got styles for any occasion right to the point.

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No, you're not because if you hit up Nectar Sun Glasses, they will replace them. You break them, you lose them, they're gone, whatever. They will replace them. And all of these start at just $50. Stylish, They're polarized. They're eco-friendly. They're comfortable. And it all just starts at $50.

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Who's first pick today? Someone else? Don't you have to answer that question? I'll give it to you. It's your thing. Okay. America. Big one. Good one. Great one. I'm here. Of all the thefts in all the land, stealing

America was a class move. If you want to get nitpicky, we did buy it. Well, we stole it at first, right? Well, then we bought parts, but it was – Yeah, I mean, we definitely stole it. We stole a good chunk.

But, like, we came and we were like, we'll have Thanksgiving and we'll give you, like, 50 bucks. We did. Well, that's like Manhattan. Manhattan we bought for, like, 10 bucks. Yeah. But, like, the whole country, you're probably right. We just took it. Yeah, I think a lot of it was taken.

Well, no, but it was really like, here's some blankets, and they all had smallpox. And then it was like, well, you're all dead, so we're just going to take this. Is it really thievery if everyone's dead? Yeah. It's just murder. It's just like murder and – Well, someone's got to cultivate this. Yeah.

It was actually more like we took over for you because you were dead. We kept the family business running. We killed them all, and then we were like,, alright, well, we'll run the farm. We just changed the family heritage up a little bit. Yeah, that's a great one. It was a big theft. It was a big one. It was important. Look, if we didn't steal America, I'm not here, so I'm obviously pro-stealing

America. Listen, you better be. Wait, never mind. Bro, my fucking grandfather came over. I had nothing to do with any of that shit. Yeah, you didn't steal. Wait, never mind, bro. My fucking grandfather came over. I had nothing to do with any of that shit. Yeah, you didn't steal it. But my bloodline, my bloodline, you can trace it all the way back. I didn't steal any goddamn land.

Probably. No, you definitely didn't. No. You're just very German, right? Huh? You're very German. Well, you didn't have to bring up where I'm actually from. It's like, okay, maybe not, but maybe just some reparations of other times.

Germans paid it. The Germans paid reparations. Well, not enough. Not enough. I don't think it was that good. Let's call it even. Let's find out how much the Germans paid reparations for it. Which time?

World War I? They probably wrote a bigger check for two. I would hope. I would hope. Like, you did it again I mean I didn't know that it was like a full Like a Was it

There was a dollar amount on it I believe so Wow I think on one there was 132 billion No 33 billion US dollars That's not enough

No That's not even close to enough I mean that's a good amount of billions No it's not It's not even close to that. I mean, that's a good amount of billions. No, it's not. It's not? Bro, that's like... Germany's a small-ass country. Bro, for what they did?

Dude, they almost ruined the whole world. It was called a world war. I feel like an oil spill is like $20 billion. These guys were genocidal maniacs. They wiped out an entire ethnicity almost. Well, it wasn't coming out of Hitler's personal account. Goodness gracious. Anyway, I'm happy we stole them

You went a little more Large scale with it Okay Well I'm all over the place Yeah okay I'm all over the map Cause the first thing that popped into my head Was Robin Kim K

Stealing her diamonds Oh okay That's one of the all time One of the all time Like heists to me Was tying up Kim K And stealing her diamonds. Oh, okay. That's one of the all-time heists to me was tying up Kim K and stealing her diamonds. You come in with your World War II shit and your America stuff. I didn't bring up World War II.

Well, Deacon, you brought up America and he brought up Germany. I'm going a little more... You stole it fair and square, Kevin. I'm going to go a little more niche with mine is Kim K getting tied up and fucking – that doesn't get enough pub. No. Because I will finally concede after a couple years that it was real.

I was heavy on the this is a hoax sort of thing. But then I saw her, you know, yeah, no, it's real. And that's crazy. Yeah. That you got to be bold to, like, plan that and get the inside scoop with the fucking security guards and shit. And like tie her up and shit. Like she tells that story. She's like, I thought I was fucking dead.

I thought they were absolutely going to like rape and kill me. That's crazy. So like the most famous person in the world. How does that happen? Was she – Chris Jenner must have been like – like in Arrested Development with the lawyers. We have the worst fucking security guards. Like how does that happen? It's like Jesus Christ. Jenner must have been like, we have like, like an arrested development with the lawyers. We have the worst fucking security guards. How does that happen?

It's like, Jesus Christ. Kim Kardashian gets robbed. I think those guys got caught, right? I believe so. He was like nine of them. It was a lot. Because they tried to like sell it, I think. And that's the problem with stealing these things.

Like, we're going to find them eventually when they're on that. You got to sell them on the black market. But yeah, the Kim K, Kim K theft robbery way up there. Although that's not my number one. I just wanted to pick the thing that was most opposite of America. And in a way, it's actually the most similar thing to America is the Kardashians. So there's a little paradox for you. Chew on that philosophy. Number two, I'm going to go – I've got to go with Sad Boy.

America's a little better than the Seals and Sad Boy. I'll admit that. But, yeah, I mean, it's a great, it's an all-time theft. Casey Musgraves is worse than Adele. Casey is way worse than Adele. Adele didn't really do it. Because Casey did it. Because she proclaimed it.

Adele is just like attached to it. Yeah, yeah. So it is, once again, store.barcelsports.com. We have new sweatshirts. We have everything in restock. Sad Girl season is there. It's awesome. It's fucking...

Just kidding. Go get it. Just kidding, please. My number two pick, Zuckerberg and Facebook. Whoa! Great pick. Eduardo. Fucking Eduardo Saverin.

Eduardo and the Winklevoss. Damn. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I... They were kind of right. I think they kind of... Like, the whole, like, if you invented the Winklevoss. Damn. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I – They were kind of right. I think they kind of – Like the whole, like, if you invented the Facebook, you would have invented the Facebook. It's like, well, we did.

We fucking did. And you just kind of stole it that one night. So, you know, I feel like those guys – You know, I think they're all pretty well to do. Yeah. I mean, Winklevoss owns, like, all of the Bitcoins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They own, like, half of the Bitcoins in the world or something.

But Eduardo Saverin got fucked, but I think he's still doing all right. Eduardo Saverin, he's an expat. Cool. He gave up his American citizenship. Oh, yeah? So he didn't have to pay taxes. My man. Singapore now.

My man, pots and pans. That's the fucking move. How much does that guy have? Google that. Let me find out Do I need to cry for him? Eduardo Just write Eduardo Facebook

I could tell you It's Saverin S-A-V-E-R-I-N I believe Saverin I've been saying it wrong Okay Yeah

Get me his net worth 18 billion Oh fuck Oh never mind I didn't know that I thought he was still Going to be worth millions No they were all billions

Oh then I don't shed a tear for you fucking at all yeah that's crazy you don't you have more money than you'll ever need i mean that's like yeah okay it is oh you know what you know what john douchebag oh big dude everyone in the facebook saga douchebag big big douchebag that guy has way too big of ears you know what that's so funny it's like yeah you know what you got 18 billion but my ears are normal yours aren't like how do you not fix absolutely every single thing wrong with your body when you're a billionaire how's the first thing you do like get ear surgery bro i'd start with this smile absolutely the whole face the nose yeah the hair the ears like change your whole head it is that dude needs a ted williams disney walt disney head transplant

i wouldn't look. I wouldn't become Eduardo Saban for $18 billion. No. What are you doing with that shirt? What are you doing with those eyebrows? I wouldn't live. Everything about you is fucking wrong. Awful. Everything about you looks like

it was created by someone. Look at those two fucking guys. Those guys rule the world, John. Like the nerds have won, man. Like my America and my world, those two guys are nobodies, you know? This ain't right. They really fucking could. You know how happy Eduardo must have been when he saw that Andrew Goldberg,

Andrew Garfield, was playing him? Holy shit. What an upgrade. I'm sorry. Eduardo Saverin looks like he was made by someone. By Mark Zuckerberg. Who's ambidextrous, but they use their opposite. Like, they're less good.

They're just off. Like, it's just a little bit wrong. It's a little weird. Look at those hands in his pockets. Like, what are you doing? His arms are like nine feet long. That guy. Everyone's like, ah, you fucked it up a little bit.

A little too much. You got the longest arm. The only thing longer than your arms are your ears. Goodness gracious. Fuck that guy. But he did get that shit stolen from him.

Yeah. Dr. Facts. Number three, Dave Roberts. Wow. That's a great play right there. I was trying to think of all the things you can steal.

Yeah. And I didn't think of a base for some reason. Thank you, Robert. Great steal of all time. Honestly, one of the greatest plays in the history of sports. It's such a huge play and talked about a ton. And still underrated. Super under-talked about.

Still doesn't get enough credit. Super duper under-talked about. I mean, just the entire crowd, everyone in the building, everyone at home, everyone knows what you're going to do. And it's something that has to be sneaky. But they know it's coming. And you still do it. And you don't get picked off.

You don't. You still time it. Mind you, the greatest goal of all time is on the mound. Absolutely. It is to get a big enough lead and steal a base while they're throwing over a few times and not get picked. Could you imagine if you got picked off? Yeah. Like that, I mean.

Dude, and even like, even the fact that they're down 0-3, 3-down, 3-0. Like, if I'm in that position, I'm like, this is silly. Like, what are we doing here? But he took it dead ass serious. And like, the next pitch was the hit, right? It was like, boom. Like, run score, game over, game tied, or whatever it was. Just an absolute, like, boom. Run score, game over, game tied, or whatever it was. Just an absolute, the best.

If I could give you, money aside, forget about money. Would you rather be Mike Trout or Dave Roberts? Let's assume Mike Trout never makes the playoffs, never does anything, right? And he just keeps doing what he's doing. Or you have a city that like like when mike trout retires like like is the city of los angeles even gonna like him yeah like i feel like mike trout still pays for meals in los angeles whereas dave roberts is like a god yeah all you have to do is tell one story yeah like mike drop out of the other questions

dave i was like what does this deal like i feel like i mean granted he's also if i ever interviewed if i interviewed mike trout i, what are we talking about? Like, what's the best moment of your baseball career? Like, I don't know, that time I hit 40 home runs. I hit a home run in June. Yeah, like, fucking great, dude. Dave Roberts, I could do a fucking week-long, like, whole series of podcasts on one play.

It's incredible. I will go with Angelina Jolie stealing Brad Pitt Mr. and Mrs. Smith A lot of good thefts here Broke up that marriage and just yoinked him right out From Jennifer Aniston You know it's like one thing if you have a You know you're married to someone before you're famous

And you know let's say they're not as good looking Or not as whatever And then Angelina Jolie comes in and breaks that up You know it's like, that's, that's the way that Hollywood works. Brad Pitt already had the Hollywood wife. He had the girl. And then this like sex siren,

just this woman who wears blood on her neck. I mean, just the all time, like, like, I don't think Angelina Jolie is the hot, like the, there are other women that I think are,

I find more attractive, but nobody I find like sexier. Like Angelina Jolie isolie is a sex bomb yeah she's put on this planet to like fuck you know i mean the lips the body the eyes the like the the sultry ways like all you have designed to do is fuck dicks and like could you like the first day that jennifer aniston sent brad pitt off to set she's probably well there goes my husband like every other time he went on set like to do a romance scene a sex scene whatever she was probably, well, there goes my husband. Like, every other time he went on set, like, to do a romance scene, a sex scene, whatever, she was probably like, alright, but I'm Jennifer

fucking Aniston. I'm Rachel. So, like, whatever. And even she was probably like, I'm fucked. That's gotta be the all-time biggest catfight. You watch that, just if you saw it, like, she's on set the day they were shooting the scene. The fight in the house. You know. You know. The chemistry. My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it.

My dick's getting hard just thinking about it. The chemistry just off the fucking charts. Until we become one. Next up. Me, right? Yeah. What? My turn.

Yes, your turn. My number four is your nose. Got your nose. Got your nose. What was happening there? Guess what? Got your nose. How that works on kids everywhere, those dumb fucks,

it's clearly my thumb. It's clearly not a nose, you idiots. I vividly remember sitting at my grandfather's piano once, and he came over and took my nose, and I threw a goddamn fit. It wasn't like, I was like, give me my nose back. We used to tell my older cousins, we used to tell my youngest cousin, I just shot you with an invisible bullet. You're going to die in three days.

And he believed it every single time. Every single time. He was like, I'm going to die. I got a friend after he finished that pack of cigarettes. I was like, enjoy it. You're fucking dead now. I'm going to go with, this is kind of a two for one because I feel like I had this as two separate ones. I'm going to combine them. And then I'm going to have to This is kind of a two for one Because I feel like I had this as two separate ones

I'm going to combine them And then I'm going to have to Come up with something for my fifth Because these two go together Scooter Braun stealing Taylor Swift's music And Michael Jackson Stealing the Beatles music

It's like Yeah he bought them He didn't steal them But he stole them One of those is pretty fucked up The other one I don't give a shit about No the crazy shit about Michael Jackson is like he –

I think Paul McCartney was like bidding for them and like Michael just like bid more money. It was just like, no, I bought them. You didn't. Really? Yeah, something like that where it was just like the Beatles could have had their own shit, but Michael Jackson just bought all their masters. I wonder what like happened when McCartney was like, ah, not worth it.

He's like, what the fuck, dude? Or I don't know if it's like a silent bidding thing or – yeah, if he – hey, Michael went like another billion up, and you're just like, oh, fuck. What is, who is George from the Beatles? George Harrison? George Harrison? Yeah.

Was he in the Beatles like full time? Yeah, full time. He also has the all-time classic in my mind. Wake me up before you go, go, leave me hanging. That is George Michael. No, no, no. George Harrison has something else. What does he have? Fuck, what does George Harrison have? Something else.

What does he have? Fuck, what does he have, though? He has another hit. Definitely not that. Doesn't he have a pop hit like that, though? Here Comes the Sun? No, maybe I was thinking of George Michael. Because I definitely don't know.

Here's the Sun. Yeah, I know. Here comes the sun. What? Twist and Shout is George Harrison? Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, either way. Whatever.

Either way. Why? What about him? I just watched that Beatles trailer for the documentary. Yeah, Beatles suck. I only watched it because I'm on Lights,

Karen, and Barstool today or yesterday. And I honestly couldn't name five Beatles songs. If you told me songs, I would recognize them. Beatles suck I only watched Because my mom likes Karen Varsal Today Or yesterday And I honestly couldn't name Five Beatles songs If you told me Songs I would recognize them But I couldn't name them

Off the top of my head I'm totally with you The only thing that interests me Is the Paul McCartney's dead thing What? The Paul McCartney's dead Conspiracy theory

Fuck Paul McCartney What is that I'm a Stones guy He fucking spoke out Against the Stones Like this week They were never really A rock and roll band

The Beatles aren't rock and roll Mick Jagger said We started touring in 68 Haven't stopped yet You tell me He's rock and roll Fuck off They're like the last guys

You can talk to There's some dude Who looks exactly like Paul McCartney They're like Yeah they just Slid this guy in Because the real McCartney's dead. And it looks exactly like him.

If I were to show you a picture of him. There's a bunch of hidden stuff on album artwork, too, where he's wearing, I think it's Sgt. Pepper's. Everyone has a red rose. Paul has a black one. And it's supposed to be like that whole album is talking about how he's dead. Look at that side by side. One of those guys is like, that just looks like a young Paul McCartney. That's not him.

It's crazy. It looks exactly like him. I mean, that also looks like a British dude. Well, yeah, I mean, they're all fucking... They all... Yeah, they're ugly British guys, you know what I mean? Like, they...

Fall and fall. I mean, it's... Look at that. That's crazy, dude. I think... I mean, I think these two look... I don't know who's who, but I think these two look pretty different. That guy on the bottom left doesn't

look like the other ones. What? That guy on the bottom left is just... Huh? I think that guy may be someone with more weight on. I think the top two have much more pronounced jaws than the bottom two. I don't know if those are different. I honestly don't.

They might be horizontally, I'm saying vertically the same guy. Well, that's kind of the point. You don't know. I mean, if you don't even know who's who and what's what. I think don't. They might be horizontally, I'm saying vertically. Well, that's kind of the point. You don't know. I mean, if you don't even know who's who and what's what. Well, I think the top two look very different than the bottom two. I think it's horizontal. It's – oh, and that interests me is that. Next up.

What was it next up? Is it my turn? Yeah. Malcolm Butler. Yeah. Interception. Yeah. Right? If you intercept a signal? Yeah. Malcolm Butler. Yeah. Interception. Yeah. Right?

If you intercept a signal, you stole the signal. Yeah. Intercept a code. Intercept a football, stole a football. I like that. I'm going to go with. That one, as you like to say, was probably the biggest of the secondary ones. That changed everything.

That changed everything. If they lose that, it's been like 10 years since they've won one. Brady's, you know, like whatever. It's like, who knows if he decides to be like, eh, you know, this isn't working. That relaunched everything. That sucks.

That one fucking sucks. We'll go on another war path. Yeah, that really blows. That one really fucking sucks. I was like, I had given up faith. I was like, obviously, I was like, yeah, this is over. When they caught that ball. The curse catch was.

It always takes a fucking, that's part of the recipe of being the Patriots Super Bowl. You need a fucking otherworldly catch. That's why I thought the Julio Jones catch was it. Was it too. Oh, fuck. And having Marshawn Lynch, like he's just going to run it in. You know you're not going to goal line stand this. My last one.

I mean, I know, you know, I don't think this will resonate with you because you said you never played this game, but the Bacon. Steal the Bacon. All-time playground game. Steal the Bacon. Also, Andres Galarraga, Alejandro galarraga's perfect game

jim joyce just oh that's a good one just fucking stolen unintentionally didn't mean to but somehow and and fucking just this this past wildcard game just stole that fucking at bat from wilmer flores that was crazy the most crazy thing in all sports john is that we let umpires who are about 120 feet away decide what someone's wrists do at home plate. Yeah. That is nuts. I don't give a fuck about the angles. The guy who's, like, right there should just make the goddamn call. You know what Dallas Braden said?

I don't know if it's true or a conspiracy theory amongst, like, baseball players, but it depends on which arm the ump. If I point with my right arm, it means I think I got this call right. Just back me up on what I said. If I point with my left arm, it means like whatever you want to do, which is pretty fucking cool, which is almost like still props to the umpires for like having the quick like I got to go right or left. You know what I mean? Because I'd be like, ah, shit.

Being an umpire sucks. The worst job in the world. All right, so let us know your top 5 Facts of all time And get creative with it All the different types of steel So let's get into voicemails now And then we'll do Daniel Sloss to wrap it up

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Stephen Che, when he got engaged, he popped the question with a Blue Nile ring. Roan, when he popped the question, he just got married. We know he didn't invite a little sass to the wedding. But he used blue nile so uh everybody here at barstool knows the easiest way to get it is through the internet and through blue nile so you should too hey kevin fights everyone else so our not really much of a question but we live in a college house there's five girls and we have like a little bit of an issue we go through on average like three gallons of milk a week.

We bought three gallons of milk at the beginning of this week. And it's Wednesday. Milk girl's in the building! And we're out of milk. So, is this normal? Because we feel like it's not. Bro, these bitches crush milk. Women need more milk.

To fill their tits? Yeah. Yeah. It's like filling up a gas tank. Women are like, I want to eat a lot of milk when I get older. Listen, you want bigger tits, you drink milk. Everyone knows that. Obviously.

I want to have three kids. When you have your first period, the doctor gives you a slip. That's like, okay, if you want to have three kids when you grow up, this is how much milk you have to start drinking every day. Naturally. And then five kids. Start drinking. More milk, yeah.

And the two kids, less milk. Right. Is how. Five is more than two, so more milk. Dude, five gallons. Three gallons for five girls. That means, you know, on average, these girls are going through like like, almost a gallon themselves.

That's a lot of fucking milk. Bro, I drink a lot of milk. These chicks are smoking. Dude. John. John. These girls are hammering milk, John. Gallons upon gallons.

It's Wednesday. They're out of milk. What are these girls doing? I hope you put down three gallons of milk before. Before They're out of milk. What are these girls doing? You're putting down three gallons of milk before Wednesday? Before hump day? Before hump day hits? It's Thursday. You're ready to start the weekend and you gotta go milk shopping

again? Five girls drinking gallons of milk, John. This is what I mean about women and not understanding what fucking dairy does to you. I'll check. I'm lactose intolerant. No, you just funnel in fucking milk, and then it fucking ruins your digestive system.

That's what's happening. These chicks are taking dumps in the house. What are they doing? When you're ripping that much milk, you're taking dumpies. What do they think? They must be having a lot of coffee, a lot of cereal. No, if you're taking down that much milk, you're taking dumpies. What do they think? They must be having a lot of coffee, a lot of cereal. No, if you're taking down that much milk, you're just doing glasses of milk. You're just doing holy pints?

Yeah. Just fucking big whole milk cans. Maybe cereal. Bro, I mean, I bought milk last night. I do like a half gallon a week. And I eat a lot of cereal. I probably have like a little nightcap bowl of cereal. I have fucking...

No, I do more than that, but... Maybe... Yeah, no, yeah. One of those... Yeah, yeah. It's a half gallon. One of those. Oh, I'm putting...

I'm good for like a gallon a week. You're doing a gallon a week? Oh, yeah. On cereal alone. Bro, that means you're drinking as much milk as you can. I know! I'm a fucking guy! I'm not an 18-year-old college girl!

I think they have the freedom to... They're having children in the future. They need all their milk. You're done. John, John, that's not a real thing. For young college girls to be slugging. Young college girls slugging milk makes no goddamn sense. None.

Jackie, how much milk have you had in your life? You probably have had three gallons your entire life. Yeah, I don't know. Like when you're, you and two girls right now? How many people do you live with? Four girls, three. I live with three girls. I am poor. High me five.

High me five cents. High me five is unbelievable. High me five cents. I don't believe that they didn't mean To be cutesy with it I don't I just You think that the Aluminum manufacturer

Was like You know what Let's have a little fun here And make it like The cans talking to them Hi Me I'm five cents

They could have done Mate I guess it's alphabetical order Yeah Yeah it's alphabetical order Like all the rest of them I just don't believe it. Like, it's too cute to not.

These cannons are too cute. But I also think that, like, I'm not getting enough credit for how smart the, like, hi, me five cents because I'm a Nichols. Oh, that's why you said it? I want it to be, like, my, like, Instagram bio or, like, my catchphrase. Well, it is now. Yeah, definitely. You can run with that. catchphrase. Well, it is now. Yeah, definitely. You can run with that.

Okay. Hi, me five cents. For the people who just might not even know what we're talking about, you got to check out the new KFC Radio behind-the-scenes vlog that Pabst has been putting out. But on the back of cans when it says how much the deposit is for when you turn it in, it has Hawaii and Maine, so it's H-I and M-E next to five cents.

So Jackie thought the can was saying, hi, give me five cents. But to be fair, it does say high comma, meaning five cents. Because, I mean, yeah, they put a comma between the states. Shut up. Okay. Also, my issue is, and you've said this before, I've gotten DMs of these people who are too timid to come out and agree with me, but they all said.

Oh, are you saying there's more Jaime five sensors out there? So many Jaime five sensors out there. Like, like, well, let's see. Then funny or they like. No, they thought the same thing. Well, then I need to see it on the record. Then I want the Jaime five sensors to fucking put their name on it. Tweet it out.

Show yourself. Don't be a coward because I hate when that happens. I hate people publicly hate and privately support. No, no, no, no. Tweet it out. Show yourself. Don't be a coward because I hate when that happens. I hate people publicly hate and privately support. No, no, no, no. Put it out there. If I get one more private DM about it,

I'm outing all of the high-divine censors. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You're all getting outed. Full government names and everything. High-divine censors will be loud.

What are we talking about here? Oh, so how much milk do you and your girls drink? So I lived in a house with eight girls, but here's how I know they're probably not from LA is because we only had almond milk. None of us had lactose intolerance. I was gonna make, I thought

it was too low-hanging. I thought it was too, like, I was gonna be like, oh, Jackie probably drinks almond milk. No. She does, of course. I thought it was too low-hanging. I don't even, what the fuck? How do you make milk out of almonds? What does that even mean? What is almond milk? Also, do you know how much goddamn water it takes to fucking have an energy?

It is not the, it might be the healthy option, it's not the better for the environment option. It's all fucking fake bullshit. Are people drinking almond milk in the environment? I think so. Or maybe it's just bad. Yeah. It's water. It keeps water.

Cows and shit. I don't fucking know. I mean, you gotta milk cows, bro. I've done a new thing. Cows are gonna, everyone knows if you don't milk the cow, they explode. I just do whatever the fuck I want. I don't care about recycling. I don't care about...

My carbon footprint, wide as fuck. I don't care about that. I just do what I want. Yeah, welcome, John. Welcome. Been doing that my whole fucking life. Oh, I never did. I just say it publicly now.

Yeah, well, good. I don't fucking care. So... Yeah, I got two bottles of water for me. Even your almond milk, how much are you going through? I don't know. We never measured. Were you consistently going to the fridge and being like,

ah, we're out of milk? Well, we each got our own cartons. I feel like they all load up together. I feel like we were pretty. Load up, bitches. Come on, ladies. It's Sunday milk day. Let's go load up.

I mean, I am in love with this house. I need to go, like, visit these girls, and I want to watch them live. Like, planet Earth. I just want to watch them eat and drink. Like, she's back to the fridge going for another pint of milk. I feel like. You got to eat a lot of PB&Js if you're drinking that much milk. But that's what I mean.

That's why, for me, it's not a big deal. Like, I mean, it's gross, but, like, I'm having cereal. I eat a ton of peanut butter. to eat a lot of PB&Js if you drink that much milk. But that's what I mean. That's why for me it's not a big deal. I mean it's gross, but I'm having cereal. I eat a ton of peanut butter. I eat a ton of chocolate. I have my ice cream binges. I always have a little milky on the side. I dip my cookies in it. I am crushing milk.

But girls don't do that kind of stuff. Girls are not like hammering fucking peanut butter sandwiches late at night. Girls are not falling asleep with ice cream on their fucking chest. On their feet? I'm putting – yeah. In between their toes. Girls are not falling asleep with ice cream on their fucking chest. On their feet? Yeah, in between their toes. You're not an OnlyFans. You've never had your feet covered in ice cream. I'm putting down a sleeve of Oreos at night.

You know how much milk that takes? What are these girls doing? Get them. We've got to talk, I think. Oh, I've been doing this forever. If you have a problem with it now, you've had a problem with me for the last ten years. I don't have a problem with it. I've got a problem with what it's gonna do to you.

I think... Oh, it's just too late. We have... No, it's not too late. Ice cream is a huge throw-in. Like, the peanut butter... But I'm not eating all the other shit. I'm just eating the ice cream now.

Oh, okay. I thought it was all tapping together no no no it's like so I'm not having like a fucking cheesecake tonight I'm having a fucking pint of ice cream yeah yeah yeah

okay it's just always swapping in and out alright as long as yeah no we're good but what are these girls doing is it weird I don't think I've had milk

in like six months yeah that's weird well no I mean a lot of people a lot of people don't like milk but I'm like do you not have cereal ever no I always make like eggs in the morning and stuff like that.

Do you have, and you don't have like a sweet tooth? Because I feel like if you have like, you need milk for cookies and brownies. No, I'll have ice cream every now and then, but no, not really. Ice cream, you don't need the milk as much. I like to have it. No, because it's fucking dairy. It's enough dairy. If you're eating fucking ice cream with milk, it's like eating grapes and wine.

Pick one or the other. No, but I feel like I, because I also have all the fucking toppings from 16 Handles. It's a very common thing. So, yeah. So I need to like wash it down. But God, a bunch of like young college chicks just like, just think about like

there's the guys out there who are hooking up with these girls. The guys who have crushes on them think that they're hot, dating them, and these bitches are just slugging milk. Like you're like, what are the girls doing in that house? What are they doing? Are they making out and hanging out?

No, they're just funneling milk. Milk chugging competitions. Butt chugging milk. No way you could drink a gallon in 15 minutes. Projectile vomiting. That house is set up like Dexter's Kill Room. This fucking set up like Scytheria scene. I love it.

I love that they were willing to put their faces on it too. They probably didn't think they were going to be dubbed like the milk bitches of America. Next up. What's up KFC fights? Nick, Jackie, Zach, Josh, Havs, BC. What's going on guys? My name's Jordan from Long Island. I'm high as shit right now.

I'm going to be honest, okay? And I got a question for you guys. I've been thinking about it. Just popped in my head. So, I'll give you a little back story. I'm pretty sure I learned when I was younger that urine kills sperm or semen. Like, you know, it's some sort of concoction like there's you know pre-cum is some sort of concoction of uh urine and whatever the fuck come definitely

of pre and uh like no if if it's true that you know urine kills semen or sperm, then, like, if you accidentally, like, cum in a pussy, then can't you theoretically just, like, piss in her like a fire hose, you know? And, like, way cheaper than abortion, way cheaper than, you know, raising a kid. Shout out KFC. I don't know.

Yeah, I was just thinking about it. Fucked up, didn't you? God forbid something happened to me. I mean, maybe I might do that. I don't know. But let me know what you guys think. No, no, you let him finish. You let him finish.

Okay, so first of all, that was the joke I was going to make, not the honesty. I was going to say if urine killed semen, I'd have been pissing in pigeons since 2006. Instead of saving a couple bucks on the pill. But... This is...

This is... I mean, I'm so happy that we are off to a cosmically hot start with the voicemails between the suicidal therapist and the pee and pussies guy. Thank you. Bro, also – I'm willing to say this is one of the dumbest voicemails we've ever gotten. I mean like what is he – can we Google this to see if there's even like something on the internet?

The first thing that comes up is some people – Talk to the mic is some people incorrectly believe that urinating after sex will flush out sperm. Well, that's like girls have to pee after sex to get the bacteria out, not the babies. I like how he said you save money on an abortion. It's not two days, three days after you get a fucking morning after it's like oh we have this second trimester we can't afford it but I hope those legs I guess take a wicked leak turn into a water balloon real quick

honey I'm a couple weeks late it's been six weeks let me just pop in there and pee don't worry I'll drown the baby. Fetus. Drown the fetus. It's not a goddamn jellyfish sting. You can't just pee on it and kill it.

This is one of the dumbest fucking people we've ever encountered from this show. I love him to death. I can't get enough of him. I love him. I want to call. What other questions do you got? I was going to say, I can't get enough of him. I love him. I want to call. What other questions you got? I was going to say, this dude needs to get high every week and call up. What else have you been told?

What else do you think, you know, can prevent pregnancy? I believe peeing prevents a UTI, right? Yeah. Well, yeah, because it like flushes it out. I think there's also something. I think you get hard – I think the reason why you wake up with a hard-on is partly to stop you from peeing in the bed. Right to the brim with piss.

Huh? What? I think it's – I think I read this recently, that it's like partially a reason is that it's to stop your body from pissing because your dick's in like cum mode, not piss. It's not a water balloon filled up with piss. I thought I was full of piss. You did not think that your dick was filled with pee? You did not think your dick was filled with pee?

I still don't think. You haven't convinced me. It's not. You think that your actual dick Has piss in it When you pee Yes Hang on What do you mean

What are you saying You're like You're saying your dick gets hard Because it fills up with piss Like your dick gets hard Because it fills up with blood Right But piss helps

Like if But what Well then why is my dick Harder in the morning? Because it's full of blood and piss. No! Your dick is not ever filled with pee. It can be.

No, it's in your bladder and shit, bro. I don't think so, man. Like, bro. That stare down was like. Bro, I could. That was the P. Diddy stare down. Bro, if I fucking. Your dick is never filled.

Like, you think if I, like, poked a hole in my dick when it's hard, like, pee would come out of it? In the morning, yes. You're dumber than that guy. Dude, I. Or if I fucking fingered my dick tip right now, I'd hit pee. No, you wouldn't. If you got all the way to your fucking bladder,

you wouldn't. I'd have to pee so bad right now. Why's your dick not hard? It's right at the tip. It's harder. I need to mix in a little blood to get hard hard, but it's harder than usual. This is staggeringly stupid.

Is anybody else in the room under the impression that your dick's full of piss? Mike? I'm gonna out myself. Yeah? Yeah, I definitely thought that. Zach? Okay, good. Nick? Okay. No. Thank you. The two dumbest in the room. Thank you for your honesty, Mike.

That is... There has to be something, because when you really have to pee, like, your piece is just naturally bigger. So that means it has to be something Because when you really Have to pee Like your piece Is just naturally bigger So that means It has to have Like fucking I don't think This guy's making

A lot of sense I don't think There's a correlation At all between Like sometimes When I pee I'm hard Sometimes when I pee I'm not

Mostly I'm not You guys are running around Every time you really Gotta pee your dick's hard Not hard But like there's Like three quarters I gotta pee in it

To get noticed It's a little different It's just Not hard, but like there's pee in it. Like three quarters? I got enough pee in it to get noticed. It's a little different. It's just... There's no pee in your dick. Are you sending piss dick pics? What's going on? Yeah. I'll tell you what.

Right now, could do one. I almost... I feel like I'm on another... Between the milk and the pee and the dick, I feel like I'm on another planet right now. the pee And the dick I feel like I'm on another planet This is insanity I had to pee so bad That when we were trying To figure out the video

I almost went to go pee That was 15 minutes ago Do you think your dick Is like a cactus Like you cut open a cactus And water comes out Do you think that there's Just piss like in your dick

I didn't realize you were Fucking A what A cactus expert, man? A southwestern fucking botanist. Like, I don't know what happened when you cut cacti open. You think your dick's like a lava cake? Take Kevin on a drive to the American Southwest to play everything about a goddamn cacti.

Like, you think your dick's like a tree? You tap it and sap comes out. Syrup comes out. You think you can tap your dick and get pissed out of it. You hit the right fucking vein, yeah. I don't think there's enough doctor degrees in this room to be telling me I'm definitively wrong.

I don't think it takes a doctor's degree to tell you this. Holy shit. Next up, I think. We're going to do, we have one more? Yeah. We have one more, yeah. Let's do one. Can I take this?

Yeah. Yeah, go get rid of that hard dick of yours, bro. All right, last voicemail. What do we got? Hey, KFC Fights whole crew. Quick question slash depression story, I guess. So, recently found out that you can still learn new things while you're sleeping uh like your brain can still retain information so it got me thinking about the

fact that sometimes i'll fall asleep listening to old kc radio episodes um it made me realize that like maybe that's making me more depressed than i would be if I wasn't doing that. So yeah, I'm probably going to stop falling asleep listening to your episodes. And then question going off of that is, is there anything that you have learned that you really wish you didn't know or any facts that you could have gone your whole life without knowing? So yeah, let me know. That's great. That's a good question. Okay question okay hang on a second before we get into that i see a medical journal pulled up here p-boner that this that looks a lot like uh urban dictionary that's not a medical

journal that looks like the urban dictionary font seems to be a medical journal. Right above it, we have a gender identity test. What does a pee boner say, Mike? There must be a whole community of pee boners. Much like the Hyme E5 sensors. There are literally dozens of us. I mean, it says pee is normally stored in the bladder, but there's so much stored up, it needs to find a place somewhere else to go, which is in the penis.

These two think that they've won this. They're like, yeah, man. Urban dictionary. The internet says pee boner. My boner, my bladder filled up and just started to fill it up into my dick. We're going to go, bro. It's like when someone's drowning

and they get a little bit of air left. They go into the little fucking thingamajig. You know what I'm saying? That's what the pee's doing. We got a little bit more space up here, fellas. A little overflow. Bladder's full, just go into the dick. Yeah.

This girl, the thought of this girl going to bed at night happy. That's why people with little dicks have to pee more often. Because there's no space. Yeah. Meanwhile, like Mandingo, he's like once a week. Yeah, he's a camel. Yeah. This girl goes to sleep at night happy,

lets an episode just run in her brain, wakes up suicidal. Just like, what the fuck? Like, I got a full eight hours. I wasn't tossing and turning. Why am I just so goddamn angry? John would shut the fuck up, though. I don't know how you could fall asleep

listening to our episodes because there's just always going to be a random, like, ah! Ah! Hanging on a table. You don't piss out of your fall asleep listening to our episodes because there's just always going to be a random like, ah! Ah! Hanging on a table. You don't piss out your dick when you're talking about. So shout out to anybody who does like, you know, nightly go to sleep to us. I know a lot of people who like I listen to you for like comfort.

Like I always, you know, like when I'm in a bad mood or I'm anxious, I can always like listen to your guys' voices and kind of like calm down. I'm like, whoa. I have the worst voice in the world. And it's voices and kind of calm down. I'm like, whoa. And it's like this is the most manic, crazy podcast ever. If I could kill my voice, I would. But what is the worst thing you've ever learned, do you think? The worst thing I've ever learned?

Like the one thing you wish you didn't know or learned. That my fucking dick doesn't randomly get hard because I feel a piss? Honestly, I have an easy answer for this. What is it? It's the pirate maggot story. Yeah. Stuff like that really grosses me out.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, this is not true. I don't think. It's some sort of urban legend. But the whole you eat eight spiders in your lifetime. Yeah. It's probably fake, but you probably could eat one.

You probably could eat. You could eat first of all it's annually yeah same well i had four last week so i'm good with that it's disgusting i feel like anything like that where it's like oh man that is really gross you know the average human will do like xyz and it's like oh man i wish i didn't know that um i i yeah for those who don't know the maggot story it's that pirates used to blow out the candles beneath deck. So they didn't know that the food they were, so they couldn't see the maggots on the food they were eating. Um, it's a disgusting one.

Yeah. Definitely disgusting. Do you guys have any like fears or anything that grossed you out that you wish you didn't know? I don't think like that, that, that's probably the only one. I feel like there's something I've had to have learned along the way. Like I probably. probably the only one i feel like there's something i've had to have learned along the way like i probably this isn't like a like a the same thing but one time i fell asleep to um a demi lovato album and then i like i woke up and i just knew every single word to every single song on the demi lovato album and so now like whenever like I take a test and I can't remember something, I'm like,

fucking, Demi Lovato takes up, like... Ah, you got the Demi Lovato. Wait, oh, wait, wait. So give us a song. Like, you knew all the words without having really listened to it except for that one night? Yes.

I just, like, fell asleep. It's the, um, like, 2008 album. The Unbroken album. And, I mean, what do you want me to do? Like recite all the lyrics? Yes. Sing a song.

I'm not going to sing a song. Why? Because I'm not going to sing a song. I mean, I think you are sadly mistaken. I think you are going to sing a song. I think... I think you will be fired if you don't sing a song.

That's what I think. Just give us like, give us one chorus. Yeah, give us the chorus of the biggest hit off of Unbroken. Okay. No, I'm not going to do that.

Why? How about we'll all sing together? Yeah. Well, you guys don't know the words like I do. That's true. No. Sorry, not sorry.

I fucking got you covered. That song just bangs. Oh. Sorry, not sorry is a heater. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not going to sing a song. Why are you so scared to sing? Now Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not going to sing a song. Why are you so scared to sing?

Now it sounds like a thing. Because I'm not going to sing. Why? Because I can't sing. How many times have you guys noticed? Wait a minute. A billion streams, girl. Of course we know this shit.

That wait a minute, all time. I'm responsible for about a hundred thousand. We did a road trip. We also can't have this. I have to take this out and edit. Yeah. Idiot. He would have just sung.

It would be less work for you. But now. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Could have just sang. Could have just sang. Now we got that. Yo, I forgot how easy that chorus was.

All you had to do was... Sorry, I'm not sorry. Sorry, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. Baby, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. Baby, I'm sorry. You know why she didn't do that? I don't think she knows the words. Yeah. I know the fucking,

I'm just not going to sing. Like, I'm just not a singer. Okay, well, we're going to have some kind of bet that comes soon. Apparently, you're a sleep memorizer, but you're not a singer. We're coming up to 80,000. Is this triathlon happening?

Oh, yeah. No. Yes. You can't go back on it. You can't say you're going to do something on the podcast and not do it. That would be crazy. I mean, that's illegal. It's against the rules.

It's against the Constitution. The Internet Constitution says you've got to do it. Everything you ever say you're going to do. If you show me an Internet Constitution. Can we make one? Yeah. Let's write it. Yeah.

Let's make an Internet Constitution. Jackie has to say in Constitution. You know what, John? I was going to back you up in your little P-Dick thing, and I take it back. I'm not going to do it anymore. Guess what? I don't need a woman telling me about my body,

so thank you very much. I was going to say I was under the impression that was the same thing, so it's not a stupid thought. But I guess you don't even want my body. Don't worry, it's stupid. I'll give that some thought We'll tweet that out Hit us on Twitter

Or on Instagram What's the One thing you wish you never learned There's probably something about like Oh this like kills the animals When you do this Or some shit And I'm like I don't give a fuck

Whatever you know Yeah Yeah cause we told you We're anti-environment people now I'm anti-environment It's not that I It's not I'm anti-environment I want the environment It's not that I'm anti-environment.

I want the environment to suffer. It's not that I don't care. I'm not indifferent. I'm anti-environment. I see the fires, I'm like, good. There's too much environment out there. Too much environment. We need less environment.

Thank you very much, Leo. Too big environment taking over. All right. Let's end this madness. Let's do our interview with Daniel Sloss. Daniel Sloss is brought to you by Upstart. Upstart is the best way to get out from underneath debt. Debt is crippling, bro. I mean, I know it firsthand. My credit card bill is too high. I've had a lot of big bills in the past few years, mortgage. All of a sudden, you got a lot of things on the wrong side of the ledger. And sometimes it feels like it just snowballs and it gets out of control.

And especially if you're younger when you really should have no debt and try to stay debt-free if you can, and you feel like you just kind of lose control of things. And Upstart can help you by paying off your debt with an easy personal loan. You can do it all online, whether it's the credit cards, whether you're consolidating high interest debt, whether you have a big expense that popped out of nowhere that you have to fund. Upstart can help you get this personal loan all with one low fixed easy monthly payment. And they can do it. They can get you this personal loan based on more than just your credit score, because obviously, if you're in debt and you're not managing your finances great,

your credit score might not be great. And then you can't get any money in the first place. So you can never really dig out. Well, that's where upstart will say, all right, maybe your credit's not great, but you do have a good job. You have steady income. You have all these other streams of, of, of income, you know, all these things that help you, uh, get that loan and pay it off. So you can get a personal loan from upstart today, five-minute online rate check. You can get your loan anywhere from $1,000 to $50,000, and you can in some cases get it as fast as one business day after accepting your application. Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash KFC.

Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information provided by the loan application, upstart.com slash KFC. All right, let's do it. Now, you swore there. How much swearing is allowed on this? I encourage the fucking most possible swearing you can do. Well, congratulations. Welcome to a fucking Scotsman. Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like it will fit you quite well.

No topic is off limits. No language is off limits. But it's Daniel Sloss, and the book is out here. Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die with the greatest – is that technically part of the title, the asterisk, or not? Yeah, the asterisk is because if you open it up, it forces people to open up. The first page? Is there a jacket?

In the jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die, but so will everyone you love. So maybe it's not as comforting as I thought with two skeletons fucking. Yeah. Which is the greatest, I would say the greatest title of all time.

I was very happy with the cover. Yeah. Because like we, this book was meant to come out last year and then there was that fucking pandemic. That thing, yeah. The whole thing happened. Yeah.

And they were, there were so many people that were like i don't know if we can release everyone is going the title is everyone you hate is going to die an asterisk from covid yeah and then also i think can we put like two dead people fucking on a cover and i'm like do it yeah all the more reason right man they did it they stuck i love the whole all the little easter eggs like Man, they did it. I love all the little Easter eggs, like the end other comforting thoughts on your family, friends, sex, you know, everything there.

What's funny is, like, if you're, like, buying a book, there's something to, like, the physical book, the cover, the title, the artwork, the coloring. And this might be one of the more captivating ones if you're a scumbag like we are. I'm very interested to see how it's... Because I have no idea. I didn't ask to write this book.

You were tricked into it? No, no. Write the fucking book, Daniel! Just back of the head. I love America, but they phoned me up after the Netflix specials came out

and they were like do you want to write a book and I was like no I'm a comedian we don't write books I'm not an author and then they

encouraged me and they gave me topics to write about I can see you need the so wait you

so then did you do it all on your own or was it like with a writer once they encourage you you let it rip yourself I did it all myself and the guy was it like with a writer and once they encourage you, you let it rip yourself? I did it all myself. And the guy was just like, just write whatever you want.

I'm like, but you're going to edit it, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my job. So I would do one write of it completely sober and then I'd get whiskey drunk and then I'd edit the chapter while whiskey drunk over again. And then I'd get high and then go over the chapter one more time high. So I go in it with like three frames of my... It's like three times distilled. Yeah. And then I would send it through to him and the chapter one more time high. So I'd go in it with like three frames of my... It's like three times distilled. Yeah. And then I would send it through to him and he would be like, yeah, that's great.

And I'm like, no. Now you do. Man, edit. Please edit this. And he's just left so much stuff in there. Isn't it the opposite? Is it right sober? Hemingway was right drunk, edit sober.

Edit sober. Yeah. And you kind of did right sober. Shit. I've done it in the worst order. Now I'm just a becket. Shit. But you did write,

it's also like, the, I'm a fan of New England Patriots and Rob Gronkowski, you may have heard of him, maybe not, I don't know. I have been on

Conan with him. Oh, really? Yeah. And he's a tall fucking man. Dude, he's the only person I've ever met where when I shook his hand, I? Yeah. And he's a tall fucking man. Dude, he's the only person I've ever met where when I shook his hand, I was like, you're not a human.

He like, what? His hand like went up here. This is fucking weird. Because I'm desperate to get into American football, but it starts at 1 a.m. in Scotland. And it's tough to get into it. And we're backstage, and there's just this huge man.

And all of my friends who are NFL fans are so angry that I met Gronk. Yeah. You don't know me. No, I have no idea. I met him and Marshawn Lynch. And the only thing I know about Marshawn Lynch is he loves Skittles. That's the only thing.

And they were like, did he give you some Skittles? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, I can't believe it. This is all a paper waste. That's great. But when Gronk was promoting his book, he was asked if he wrote it. And he replied, I've read most of it. Like, in earnest. He wasn't making a joke he was just like well no yeah i've read most of it it was like oh

fuck i said the wrong thing no no unfortunately i i have no one else to blame this on like i those are all my wife but the problem is like i just i is when I'm on stage and I say something shitty it's very obvious that I'm doing it for the sake of like a joke you raise the eyebrows the tongue's thoroughly chipped the written word you've actually done things completely backwards sir

most of us have been like we started out blogging we were writing the written word and then when you realize how much fucking trouble we're going to get in every day we kind of moved over to video and voice and then when you realize how much fucking trouble we're going to get in every day we kind of moved over to video and voice and audio where you can use inflection and you can laugh

and you can make your point knowing this and just be like everyone you hate's going to die what? You can go in. I'm just waiting for like someone to

because I mean we're doing we're promotion in America just now and obviously we've got some you know promotion comes in different forms you go on shows where you can have

a banter with the host and then sometimes you do morning television. Yeah, that's kind of me too. I'm just waiting for them to be like, so this entire chapter on why you find America weird, I'm like, can we just skim over all of that? Is that what you say we need to give all 13-year-old boys vasectomies? Do you stand by that?

I do, I do, I do. I openly stand by that. And now let's give you some new pumpkin spice recipes. I love, too, the back jacket of Daniel Sloss finds about the author descriptions wanky and outdated. He would like you to just watch his fucking comedy specials. The publisher, on the other hand, would like you to know, you know, on and on. And how about that picture, bro? Oh, what the fuck is that?

A little false advertising over here. Who'd you hire for that one, dude? Look, what the fuck is that? A little false advertising over here. Who'd you hire for that one, dude? Look, it was a pre-pandemic photo shoot. I bet. It was back when I had love for myself and my body. Now I'm the fat piece of shit. In this book, you talk about your special jigsaw, which is unbelievable. And you talk about how that, which is a special i had to kind

of turn off a little bit because i like this is hitting a little closer to home but you talk about how it's inspired i want to get the number right hundreds of thousands of dms hundreds of hundreds of thousands of breakups breakups yeah i actually i actually just heard the stats myself it was on the audio version it was you said uh 300 divorces it's no way yeah i think It's now up to 350, 400 divorces. And 120,000 breakups. Yeah, yeah. And the breakups will be higher than that, but we stopped counting those.

But I do, man, after every gig I do, I'll get at least four or five people coming up to me saying, I broke up with my partner because of you. I left my husband because of you. I left. And it's the greatest thing in the world. On the other side, there's been one time in Edinburgh, some guy came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder,

was like, are you Dying Sloth? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, my girlfriend dumped me because of you. And I had to be like, no, no, no, man, buddy, she dumped you because of you. Like, I just gave her the kick of the ass. And do you have her number? What is it, for the people who haven't seen the special,

what do you think is, what compels people to break up so directly? It was never meant to be a show that broke people up. It was never, it's not a show that I believe is anti-love. But it was very much, I'd come out of a very toxic relationship, and it was a relationship that I kept forcing myself to be in because I just felt like that's what you're meant to do. So many of us feel like we have to be in relationships. Post you.

Yeah, because it's what you do. It's what they do in TV shows. It's what they do in movies. Like all of the older generation. Oh, you know, your mum didn't love me at first, but then I wore her down and we stuck through each other thick and thin in all these psycho relationships

that never should have lasted. And we try and emulate that. And then I was single and I was just happier than I'd ever been in any previous relationship. And I was like, oh man, being single is objectively better than being in a bad relationship. And I was always told the opposite was true.

So I just wanted to kind of fill other people like, if you're in a toxic relationship, it's going to suck, but get the fuck out of it. Because it's so much better. And it turns out that resonated with a lot of people. And during the live shows, it was fun because now I just get it from people that watched it on Netflix.

But when we used to perform it live, you would see couples' body language change. They start moving away from each other. And my hands would go away. And they'd be this and they'd leave. When there's a couple and you say a joke about a relationship that hits home and they're like, not me, not me, not you. I think it's James Acaster.

Someone has a special where he's talking about the fun person in the relationship. And you hear half the room laugh. And he's like, if you're not laughing, you're not the fun person in the relationship and you can only hear half the room laugh and he's like if you're not laughing you're not the fun one you are painfully aware you're not the fun one in this relationship oh no someone cares more there's always one person reaching

and one person settling there's always one person who's into it more than the other one and these are of course generalizations and the bad versions but also in my experience all generalizations and the bad versions. But also, in my experience, all of them are the bad ones. In my personal experience, I look around,

my friends, my family, everybody, I'm like, hmm, everybody's pretty fucking miserable. You did the actual math in Jigsaw, right? Am I misremembering that? Where you did, like, the probability of you. Yeah, like 60% of marriages fail, and then, like, it was the probability of you. Yeah. Like 60 percent of marriages fail. And then like it was under 30.

Yeah. There's a bunch of statistics that I vaguely Googled. But in that way where you just like Google statistics that prove my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. I went through that as well because I got divorced. And so I, you know, I was throwing around that like 60 percent of people get divorced. And also my dick is the average size.

But then people hit you with the real stats, which is like, well, yeah, like, but that 60% is also including like teenagers who are poor and people who, you know, and that like the people in your median, like 15% get divorced. I was like, fuck. God damn it. I've never heard that. I've never put that together.

You're right. Yeah. It's like, it's like, you know, it's like upper middle never heard that. I've never put that together. You're right. Yeah, it's like upper middle class white couples. They don't really get divorced too often. But also, the other statistic is the upper middle class white couples that don't get divorced. They murder each other. Like, they're gone. They kill you in sleep. You go to their house and it's spotless.

And I'm like, do you have cleaners? And she's like, no. No, log on. She just takes my mind off things I gotta keep moving I gotta keep moving I dust the photo of him every single day they have like

a million signs that say blessed and it's like just trying to beat it into their own fucking skulls love love love love love love

I love him so much he's the best thing that ever happened to me and my children look just like him and that doesn't make me resent them at all. It's amazing, especially after going through a divorce where it's like, I don't know, once you go through a bad relationship. My divorce wasn't even the worst.

I've been through other toxic relationships and shit where you then kind of see the matrix afterwards. And you're just like, what is everybody doing? Like, how was i a part of all this or you know it's very very embarrassing to go from being in love to not being in love because like being in love is such an illogical thing like it's just your brain explodes into chemicals totally irrational like it's and it's more it's more addictive and dangerous than any drugs like what it does to your brain And we all just go through it and then, you know, you love this person so much because, you know,

everything's going on. And then you slowly fall out of love with them. And then like a year later you reminisce back and it's, man, it's cringe-worthy. You're like, I can't believe that was me. I can't believe all the things I said to my friends about this person. And you know they're going through the same thing.

There's no way they're like, he was so dreamy, I lost a good one. They're like, I can't believe I used to eat his ass. I can't believe I ever did that. This is why I don't talk to anyone about anything. Because I know it's not going to last. I've never shared

a moment of happiness, pride, joy, anything with anyone. Because I know it's not going to last. You can't share the good or the bad. You share the good, and then when it doesn't last that's when you know when people break up and they're breaking up with like their whole family

they're like but I love her grandma and I love her aunt who the fuck cares you know but then when you tell the bad and you know you don't

you know when you tell the bad and then the next day you're like smiling and kissing them and all your friends are like that's why you can't talk

you know you guys were smashing mirrors and breaking you know windows last night and now you're just kissy kissy what the fuck is going on you owe it to your friends are like, what the fuck? You guys were smashing mirrors and breaking windows last night and now you're just kissy kissy? What the fuck is going on? You owe it to your friends. If you break up with someone, you have to stay out of that fucking relationship. Or, you're

wearing the dunce hat for the rest of your life. You come out of the relationship, you bitch about them for so long, and then a week later, you get back with them. And as a friend, I'm gonna be like, okay, just as long as you and I both know that you're a fucking mug. I'm an absolute fucking mug. And you're just wearing this stupid hat.

And I don't respect you. And I no longer respect anything. I'll talk to him again. I'll shake his hand. No, I've done that with my best friend. I had like a sit down where I was like, what you're doing is so incredibly fucking stupid. It was borderline dangerous. This is bad for everybody.

We were living together at the time. And he was like, I understand, but, like, I'm in love, and so I'm going to do it. And I was like, okay, cool. Like, shake on it. I just want you to know my part. I'll stay the fuck out of it. I hope for the best, but you're a fucking idiot.

But let's get all our cards on the table here. Let's just tell it like it is. It's why I think you have to have stages of a breakup. Like, when you, like, sense the end of the relationship coming. Like, the first one, you just tell some friends, like, ah, things aren't going great you know whatever second one you break up

and you're like but we still like each other we're good it's fine no big deal and then like when you finally have to go like Cortez burn the ships you're like

she says the n-word she stabbed me in my sleeve she's a psycho you gotta go all like then you know you can never go back to those friends

and be like look we're back together like I've said some fucked up stuff about her most of it wasn't even true it's just so you guys can never let me back yes absolutely it is really the craziest fucking thing that i don't know what it is you know if you believe in like your brain or your heart or i mean the worst thing for me i was i was always thinking about how illogical and irrational marriages, relationships are, and how we make you then tie your finances to everything. Like, everything that's so concrete and literal, we then tie together to the most irrational, like, floofy, fluffy thing. And I remember reading from someone who really believes in pheromones. And they were like, that, you know, it's real.

And that's who your body is going like want and all that and i'm like i'm paying all this shit for divorce and the house and the money because of fucking my nose because of what i fucking smell are you kidding me that's why they call paying it through the nose crazy man it is a wild world so So, I mean, that was kind of what you, like after that special became the main thing, right? Yeah. Were you going for that? Did you want to be like the breakup guy, if you will? Yeah, just one piece of your comedy.

Yeah, two specials came out. One was dark and that was about like death and disability and stuff. And then Jigsaw came out and that was about toxic relationships. And literally only two minutes of Jigsaw is about... I'd say about 50 minutes is about breakups, and then two minutes of it is about self-love, but not in a

self-love like, we're all worthy of it. But just in a way, my whole thing was like, if you don't love 100% of who I am, fuck off and die. This is me, and I'm not going to be in a relationship where I have to compromise anymore. That's the main point bro but that's now the main point

the fucking special like Jigsaw went so viral and so cult in like this very very weird way that it's very weird to create something

and then just watch people run with it and you're like oh that's not what I meant too late now too late once things become too popular

they lose all meaning we talk about that with like words. And you don't get to choose how people process your art. That's the thing about art is it's open to interpretation. But like there are some, I've been sent fucking memes where it's just like the entire self-love part, but without the punchline.

So there's like six memes of just me saying really nice things, like really self-supporting stuff. And there's a punchline at the end of it in the show, which undermines the whole thing, and that's why it's funny. And they've taken the how, and I'm like, I'm not a self-help guy. I'm not fucking Tony Robbins.

I don't think you should love yourself. If you're a piece of shit, fucking hate yourself. Like, if you suck, you should know that you suck and be guilty about it so you become a better fucking person. Before this podcast started, he was like, he's going to fit in really good on this show.

Confirmed. That right there, you could be a third co-host of this show. That is hysterical. When they missed the message, I used to talk a lot. Before I did this, I was an accountant so I had a shitty cube job. So a lot of my material

was about hating work and doing the minimum and you know trying to sneak your way through it and i would have people come up to me being like dude didn't do any of my work got fucking fired today and i was like that's not really like now you can't pay rent dude that's not good man that's not what i meant at all yeah yeah well because like so many people took like jigsaw such an anti love thing as well like I'm engaged Fiancee who loves it. Yeah. How does that work? Is she she get yet it? Yes, of course She does like she watched the show she seen it and also man. She knows me more than anyone Yeah, I'm winning a very healthy relationship like it

But now I don't talk about my field too much because I get all these people like you fucking hypocrite would you find happiness in love fuck you man you said you were against love no I didn't well I didn't watch the special I saw a few memes they were pretty clear self love and fuck women that's what you said

I didn't say either of those things no but she yeah she gets it. And she's the butt of all of my fucking jokes now. And that's why we've got good relationships. There's nothing I can't say to her. There's nothing she can't say to me. Another part of your humor,

as the first special was called Dark, and the second one you mentioned your sister who's passed away. As someone who's very dark what do you do on your birthdays because i don't know if you know this daniel was born on 9-11 yeah i feel guilty because it's what i wished for when i blew out those candles wow holy shit the 10-year anniversary of this, I hope. Three years beforehand, I've been wishing for Xboxes. Nada.

One time. The one time I wished for 9-11. I didn't even specify. I just went, I wish 9-11 happened. They took it around with it. I didn't find out about 9-11 until like three or four days afterwards. So it was my 11th birthday. Wait, what? Yeah. You found out about 9-11 on like three or four days afterwards. So it was my 11th birthday. Wait, what?

Yeah. You found out about 9-11 on like 9-15? Yeah. What were you doing for the fucking four days? We were on like a school camp thing where like all of our year was taken like to go away for a week to do like mountain climbing and like canoeing and kayaking and stuff.

Wow. And like on the Tuesday was 9-11, it was my birthday, so we woke up at like 9am and all the teachers and all the class sing me happy birthday and then we get in like a car, a van on the way to go canoeing and like all of the teachers are crying. Like the teachers are just sobbing and

like the guy who's driving the car is crying and like they're all listening to the radio and the kids are like, why are the teachers crying? And none of us have the intelligence to shut the fuck up. Kids're all listening to the radio, and the kid's like, why aren't the teachers crying? And none of us have the intelligence to shut the fuck up and listen to the radio. And we keep going, what's going on? And just the teachers are sobbing, and people are scared, and we're like, what's happening?

And they just didn't tell us. They were like, it's not our job to tell you. So I get back four days later, and I get home, and my parents are there, and they've not seen me since my birthday, and they're like, hey, happy birthday. We love you. Here's your presents. Also, just to let you know.

The world will never be the same. Your generation will grow up. That's movie worthy, four days in September. Like this one class was just insulated from the worst. We had no idea. And then. Holy shit. we watched it and like it's hard for anyone to process

but as an 11 year old you're like I have no idea what this means I have no idea what those were like all these people are everyone's scared now I see a lot of jets flying places and then every year after that when I was still slowly being devoid of empathy and slowly learning it,

I remember now, and this is horrible, I remember being so angry that there was a minute's silence on my birthday. When I was like 12 or 13 years old, I took it as such a personal affront. I'm like, this is like, what, during my song? On my day? And now when I look back, I'm like, oh my fucking my fucking god like I've been to the museum

like I get it I bought a pretzel I've been to the museum I get it that's how I feel about slavery I read the American textbooks I heard about it once I met a couple of black guys I was like oh I read the American textbooks. I heard about it.

Once I met a couple of black guys, I was like, oh, okay. You all didn't enjoy it. I understand that. Okay. The, um, oh, fuck. What was I just going to say? Oh, I remember when I was on, so I'm a little older than you, right? I think I was 12 on 9-11.

And I had, and this is my first time ever saying this publicly. I had such a great day. Like, it was I remember it happened when Mrs. Robbins' class, it was my homeroom, and they took us to social studies, I forget his name, and they wheeled in the TV, you know,

the meme where it comes in on there, and we just watched TV the whole day. You didn't watch TV, you know, like the meme where it's like comes in on that. And we just watched TV the whole day. So it was this. Yeah. You didn't watch TV. You watched a fucking live feed of buildings collapsing. We watched the news and then we switched to movies. Oh, okay.

We didn't watch this fucking CNN for eight hours. Okay. We were children. Well, that's pretty great. We would have started killing each other. Another 9-11 happened. 9-11 would have a different meaning in Fall River if they just hadn't watched the news for eight hours. Maybe the day 11 kids killed each other.

But then I remember getting in the car and being like, Mom, is that just what school is from now on? And she's like, no, here's what happened. Buildings hit, terrorists attacked. And I was like, I hope there's another one tomorrow. I want to watch the TV, man. Yeah, I got homework I got to hand out. If we could just do middle school as that the whole time.

Have you ever heard the story of the guy who bowled a perfect game on 9-11? No. Does this have a horrendous punchline at the end? No, it was just on 9-11, 2001. He went to work. The planes hit. He worked at a factory in New England. Oh, that's where he's a New England guy.

Yeah, somewhere like northwest Massachusetts. And then at night was his bowling league, and he was like, they're still having it. They haven't called it. I'm going to go anyway. And he bowls a perfect game, throws 300 on the worst day in, like, modern history. And so his plaque is up saying, like, perfect.

9-11, 2001. Big smile on his face. Man, to even just, like, you can't even fist pump on 9-11. Like, that's disrespectful. But that's so funny to think that. I bet that place was going crazy. Yeah, they were wrong. USA chance. Let's disrespectful. That's so funny to think that I bet that place was going crazy. USA chance. Let's go, Philly!

Everyone else in America is sobbing pretty much worldwide. The Taliban controlled Afghanistan and this little fucking part of New England. People are going nuts! We did it! Philly's a local hero. They have a holiday parade every night.

If you set that guy up, you know, you give him a lie detector test, you give him some truth serum, and you ask him, like, what are the best days of your life? September 11, 2001 is on his list. Did you enjoy 9-11? Yes. Get him in jail. Get him in Guantanamo. He's one of them.

I don't like the president we're setting right now. Dangerous times. I don't know. We watch a lot of movies. How did it feel when you put the book out, though? I mean, like I said, we all started as bloggers, so we did a lot of writing. Not book writing, but just a lot of words on paper, basically. It's a bit.

And we've always thought, people have always said, you guys should write a book about the history of Barstool or some of your, all the shit we've ever written. But it seems like a big undertaking. I don't agree. Easy. Really? Well, not easy. But, like, you know, it was easy for me to write a book because it's nonfiction. Yeah, right.

True. So it's, you know, it's just my opinions and stuff. And, look, if you give me whiskey, I'll have an opinion on most things. But it's still, what, a couple hundred pages? Yeah. 250, something like that. 250? I think so, yeah.

That's the perfect length. You want a book that if you need to, you can read it in one or two sittings. You read a chapter a night for a week and then it's done. One or two sittings? But it's real writing or two sittings. You'd read like a chapter a night for a week, and then it's done. One or two sittings? But it's real writing. That's healthy. I do 20 pages per sitting. Maybe sometimes 40.

I usually do a chapter, and then I allow myself some phone time, and I do another chapter. And chapters are usually about 10, 20 pages. So this is what? This is 10 chapters? Yeah. 10 chapters, so it's even, you know,

break it up like that. It's a little bit more than 20 a page. But it's not like, you know, break it up like that. It's a little bit more than 20 a page, but it's not like, you know, sometimes you see comics write or celebrities write. It's like a picture book, you know what I mean? This is like a real fucking book. I think you're probably selling it short a little bit. Like, it had to be some level of commitment to, like,

were you balancing writing material with writing a book, or did it all kind of, like, one hand washes the other? I was on tour, so it was, like, after Netflixflix came out they phoned and was like do you want to write a book and then that was when i was on like a 18 month tour around uh the world doing my last show x so i was on a lot of airplanes and like had a lot of downtime during the day um so uh i mean it was it was it was challenging but like a challenging. How long did it take you to write? Any two months? Yeah, I'd say about 12.

But I didn't write it quickly. Like, if I can't write, I won't force myself to. Like, I'm not one of these people that's like, okay, I'm going to go somewhere like a cafe, and I'm going to get myself into the headspace. If I'm in the mood to write, I will and you won't be able to stop me. It's not like every day, noon to four, I write. No, I couldn't force the shit out. I would sit down sometimes and if nothing came to my

head, I'm like, that's that. Done. I'm not writing today. And then deadlines help with that. And then also just the need for feedback because with stand-up, the reason I love it so much is because I'm a control freak and it's just such a, there's so much control and power in stand-up, the reason I love it so much is because I'm a control freak, and it's just such a,

there's so much control and power in stand-up. I know how well I'm doing instantly, all the time. That feedback. Yeah, and I'm, the second I do it, it doesn't go down well, I know why it's not going down well,

I know how to fix it, I can change the audience. If they're not liking certain types of material, I can go down another route, I'm always in control. I have, and I know I'm good at stand-up, because I've been doing it for 14 years

so I can how old are you now? I'm 31 shit starting pretty pretty early yeah starting at 16, 17 yeah

so I know that I'm good at stand up I'm confident in my ability doing it but I'm not an author I'm not a writer and and

when they asked me to write this I was like I need feedback all the time and they were like well we're happy with what you're sending and I'm like no no write this, I was like, I need feedback all the time. And they were like, well, we're happy with what you're sending. And I'm like, no, no, but I need, like, even just like, just reply saying, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, like, let me know which bits you enjoyed.

Like, just please. And then it's such a, like, a needy thing. I was like, can you just write the bits that you thought were funny? Because otherwise you're just going to say yes to everything. And I, you know, I would say yes to everything. And I, you know, I would give it to my fiance to read it

and I would just watch her read it. And she's like, can you fuck off? Like, this is the most insane thing I've ever, like, and she'd just sit and read it

and she'd laugh and I'm like, what the fuck? What was that? And she's like, get out of the fucking room. Get out of the fucking room. I hate that.

I'm sorry. The, now you're on tour again right now, right? Yeah. Yeah, because you just flew in and I was, I was actually you're on tour again right now, right? Yeah. Yeah, because you just flew in. I was actually talking to Ken about it because I don't understand it.

He's very upset about it. I'm very upset about this. You live in Scotland? Yes. You came from Scotland? Yes. Why were you in L.A. yesterday? Oh, so the U.S. Embassy in London isn't open because of the pandemic.

So I couldn't get my O1 visa that I need to come into the country. So we had to do this weird thing where basically my lawyers found this loophole, not loophole, a legal thing. A legal thing is

kind of the fancy word for loophole, but the less suspicious. A legal loophole where I come into the country and then I basically have to hand the immigration officer a note that just went go get your dad and it was just like my lawyers have been in contact with

the immigration guy and they've got the exemption they've got the form that is the exemption to allow me in so I'm in on an O1 visa even though I don't technically have the actual thing itself and that happens only me in so i so i'm in on an o1 visa even though i don't technically have the actual thing itself and that happens only in la you could only do that in la that's a lot of fucking money to la just for a cup of coffee to get the papers and then right to new york yeah you didn't even do anything in la uh no no we did i went i've got friends in

santa monica and we went down to venison got it like i wasn't a total yeah no i did things like I got a pizza I wouldn't have got baked I always blows my mind and also man I've not been in America for 18 months now I love America like I love coming here I find it fascinating but like not coming here for 18 months

like I missed it because yous are all fucking psychopaths. I've never, and I don't mean this as an insult, but when I was... Weirdly, I don't take it as one. I don't know why you added that part. I do, but I'm okay with it.

I don't know what's the weirdest of all. You did it in an accent, and for some reason, we're okay with it. I was just stoned walking around L.A. And I know L.A. isn't a great thing. It doesn't represent all of America. But I've never met a normal American.

Like, every American I've ever met, including yourself, is just so uniquely and confidently yourself. Like, every single person is just 110%. Even the introverts in America are like, I'm an introvert! No, you're not like I'm an introvert no you're not I'm shy and you're like okay yeah okay

but I find it so people they say they've got anxiety and stuff and I'm like do you? because you always you're taught in the UK and especially in Scotland and stuff, to, like, hide parts of your personality. Like, it's, you know, you've got a fucking fin.

And there just doesn't seem to be a fear of that here. And I respect it so much. But it means, like, your crazies are crazy. And your normal people are insane. It's like crazy, crazy, you're craziest. That's the scale. There is no non-crazy. I was just walking here.

And on 22nd Street, I think, there were two guys. They weren't homeless, I don't think, judging. The way fashion is going, it's hard to judge between now and then. Yeah, you're almost included in that. And there were two guys. And I don't think they were homeless. And this dude was pissing in the middle of the street. And the other guy was loudly cheering him on.

Like, oh, yeah, baby. Let's go. And I'll be honest. His stream was so strong. I stopped and watched. And I was like, he should be. He's earned these cheers. This guy is like.

It was honest to fucking God. It looked like he had this. I couldn't see his dick itself. He was, for some reason, shy about that. Despite the piss in the middle of the 20-second stream. But it was like he had this i couldn't see his dick itself he was for some reason shy about that despite the piss in the middle of 20 seconds but it was like i just dumped this out it was what the stream was like it was unbelievable and i i felt bad walking by i don't know i feel like i should cheer for him too i i was driving in like a block away and on the corner as i drove through the intersection i think it was a water bottle i don't know what it was some sort of plastic though homeless guy just fucking threw it at my car. Police officer was standing right

next to him. The homeless man didn't break stride. The cop didn't even fucking flinch, and I just kept driving. I was just like, there is nothing that's going to come of this, so whatever. That's maybe more a New York City thing than an American thing, but yeah, I mean, I would imagine we've got to be some of the weirdest fucking people and you know what's crazy too is the fact that it is like so big that it's like it's you know we're americans but me versus someone in alabama versus someone in portland versus someone in la we're all it's all different countries yeah that's my uh big thing it's like i find it so amazing that you all think you're the same country. It's insane.

Scotland is different from England. The Ireland's aren't the same as each other. You go France, Germany, Belgium, Luxembourg, all these places are smaller aliens than America. They all have so clearly their own identities.

I don't identify as European. I don't even identify as British. I am fucking Scottish. Like, I just happen to fucking belong to an island. Right? And that island's part of some other fucking union. But in America, like, you all, you're like, yeah, no, I'm an American.

Yeah, well, we've got Lee Greenberg singing the song. Florida, born and raised, Texas and proud, like, and Mississippi. And then we're all surprised that we can't get along when it comes to politics. You know, it's like, we need to come together. How the fuck can that happen? We're never going to agree on this, ever. I mean, literally, it might as well be a different planet if you are, like, a gun-toting Texas boy who, like, works the land and all.

I don't know any of that. Why the fuck would we ever agree on anything? I call AAA to change a tire. We're not the same. This is also the only country I've ever been to where I've seen actual real stereotypes exist. Yep. When you go to Scotland, you'll see people in kilts. You'll see somebody drinking whiskey,

and you'll definitely see somebody with bagpipes. But you'll never see one person doing all three. You'll go to Australia, you're never going to see a guy with fucking wine corks on his hat with a boomerang having sex with a koala and talking about how a ding-a-way is baby but like you come to America, the first time I was in New York, I heard an Italian man yell, hey I'm walking here

and I'm like, what the fuck is this country man like you guys have actual cowboys real, actual cowboys exist in abundance in this country. And you're all just like, yep. Why would that not be a thing? Why would this thing from so long ago in all these cartoons not be? It's insane to me. You know, it's got to be fun to be able to enjoy it in small.

It's like babysitting. It's like I get to play with the kids, but then you've got to raise them and take them back. I'm here for a couple months or a couple weeks, and then I'm getting the fuck out. I want to come to America every year for the rest of my life because I love performing here. I think you are, comedy-wise,

the smartest comedy audience in the world just because you've had comedy for so long. This is the capital of fucking stand-up. When we talk about all the greats, like 80% of the greatest comedians ever are are American. I love coming here

to perform, but there is no amount of money in the world you could pay me to live here. You could offer me $17 billion to live in New York.

No, stop. Everyone's got a number. What's your real number? My real number would be enough to buy a private jet to fly home every weekend. Yeah, so you've got owning a private jet to make money. So that So you've got to own a private jet.

So that's not that much. That's pretty much. Oh, no, but I'm paying for the fuel and everything. Wouldn't that be funny if everything else in your life was relatively normal? You had an apartment or a two- or three-bedroom house, but you just had a private jet. That's my own thing. I just want to give you a back-and-forth to Scotland. It's been in the family for many generations.

It was my grandmother's and her grandmother's before her. Do you write? I guess this is probably stupid because everybody tours all over the world now. But it's like do you write with Americans in mind or Scots in mind? Or is comedy kind of universal that it doesn't really? I found out very early on the comedy is universal like I got to up and touring like outside of Scotland in the UK since I was about 23 or 24 like we were doing gigs in I did gigs in Singapore when I was about 20 and like Kuala Lumpur Jakarta and Bali and then I started doing like Europe

from like anywhere from Latvia to Lithuania and Estonia when I was about 24 and I learned very, very quickly that unless you're doing political stuff or local humour, comedy is absolutely universal. Not everyone has the same sense of humour but everywhere has people with the same senses of humour, different types. I'll always be able to find people in whatever country that have a similar sense of humor to me. Now, it might be 5% of them.

It might be 1% of them. It might be 10%. Like, when I go to Slovenia, right, I'm probably not the most popular because they're quite a right-wing place, and I'm a fucking, or at least I appear to be a pretty liberal. Yeah. And so, you know, I get the people in those crowds that, you know,

the 2% of the population that like that shit. But you come to America and it's a bit more universal in that sense. But there's, I mean, comedy is funny wherever it is, as long as it's not, this is the street I grew up in. If you grew up here, you're fucking weird. And also, man, people just like, you know, life is true everywhere.

Like, we all go through the same fucking experiences of, you know, self-loathing and love and hate and, you know, fucking... That's why I get mad about people who are like this.

I think we were talking about this recently. We were like, this song is literally me. I'm like, no, it's literally everybody because the human experience isn't that fucking unique

there's a reason it's on I can't think of a radio station right now Z100 I fucking hate when people quote music lyrics to themselves as if it didn't go triple platinum literally millions upon millions of people this

this song speaks to me and it's just for me and they'll cry and they're like it touches my heart and i'm like it sold a hundred million worldwide but then i think that's like you know like art which is you know some people you know the consumer chooses to relate to it my comedy doesn't relate to anyone in a particular way. I don't do anything special that makes people relate to it. I'm just very honest about myself and my experience, and people choose to relate to that. That's why I find it's the best way to get people to enjoy it.

Don't tell them what they think. Don't try and sway them, but just tell them your life experience. And if they want to join you on the journey, which most of them do because they're there to see you and touch you, then they'll put themselves into the story and enjoy it way more. There's also something too though about, you know, because I can remember

being, it's not that I'm like oh this speaks to me or this is about me but I do remember having lightbulb moments once you go through some shit in life. Like I used to just listen to music I like the beat and I'm singing along to the words, but I'm not really paying attention. Cause at that point I had relatively been happy and everything was fine.

And then you start to go through some like tough times and you're like, Oh, that's what he was saying there. Or like, Oh, it really, that really does happen. And then you're kind of like,

that's when you have, you're like, Oh my God, this is about me moment. But everybody does go through that same sort of shit. It's just a matter of, have you gone through it yet you know you know have you done that that's what i like about so much comedy is i like the i love as an audience member sitting down and then the comedian on stage saying something so stupid or so awful or so horrendous that like I'm I agree with it but I didn't know I

agree with it until it was said. You're just sitting there and there's just this comedian awakens an opinion from the back of your mind and you're like oh my god I agree! That is the pinnacle I think. You put into words something I didn't even know about myself. Yeah that is like the greatest because it's about like articulating it or some abstract thing that you can't really put your finger on. You're like, holy fuck, that is how I do it or what I say or what I believe. That is the absolute best, I think. You actually did that in Jigsaw with your, when you're speaking, you're talking about

your parents visiting your sister's grave. And I think you said, you're one of the most really sad, but you're 20, you're just carving. Yeah. Sick fuck. That is. And I lost my best friend, like, nine years ago. And I remember the first time we went to the grave,

we were, like, weeping. And then now, nine years later, we do it every year on his birthday. And now we're kind of just, like, just completely hanging out in a field. Yeah. And, like, I remember the first time we went, we, like, kissed his headstone, like, when we left. And I was like, am I going to kiss a rock?

It started to get so weird. We used to always bring a Heineken my cousin used to drink. And we would put it on the grave. And then it's like, we just got to clean it up later. Or a homeless guy comes and snatches it. The homeless guy comes back every year the day after. You pay your respects. You're like, man, it's great.

Honestly, these guys, they love this dead guy. Also, over there by that kid's grave, for some reason, they leave whiskey there. It's just there's homeless people doing a bar headstone crawl. We did it the day. One time I saw,

I swear to God, one time somebody put a line of coke on one of the fucking headstones. I swear to God. I swear to fucking God. The day we buried him, when the dirt was still loose, we put, like, a bunch of Budweiser's in it,

and we're like, in 20 years, we're gonna come back here, we're gonna dig these up and drink them. Yeah, because that's not a crime. I was like, what are we doing? We were like 23-year-old idiots. We're gonna come up and grave-digards and drink them by our friend's skeleton? What? We're going to use his head

as a skeleton chalice and drink it through his mouth. We'll kiss him one night. What do you mean his mum said no? She'll be dead by then anyway. After we're done drinking out of her son's skull, we'll go piss on that old bitch's grave. How fucking dare she.

The wild one, man. So what else? You know, the book is. Are you going to write more books? Is this like this is a smash hit? That's not up to me. That's not up to me. Would it be, though?

Like, is it after having gone through it? I'm just so interested in the process of it because, like I that's not what would it be though like is it after having gone through i'm just so interested in the process of it because like i said people have recommended it it's like would you now become an author if you were um you know afforded that opportunity with the fans and the publishing houses and all that kind of shit i don't think i'd ever become an author i think i'd just stay as a comedian the real book yeah absolutely they want to turn me into a comedian that writes more books i didn't't expect to enjoy the process as much as I did, just because I know what my skill set is, and if I'm not brilliant at something, I don't like doing it.

Brilliant immediately, by the way. I don't want to work at it. I just want to be good. I've got to be instantly fucking good or it's not worth my time. But I really enjoyed the process of this. I mean, it on how it goes. Like, if they want another book from me, like, I mean, they'll need to give me the topics again. I'm not messaging them being like,

I've got this great idea. It's about a very handsome middle-aged Scottish man trying to fit in America. I just want to... I enjoyed that so much that if this one does well, which I obviously hope it does, and it leads to more, then great.

But also, if it fails horrendously, I'm still... Man, I never thought in my life I'd get to write a fucking book. That's the achievement there. Yeah, absolutely. That's a great...

That's a bucket list thing, man. That's so cool. Yeah, I'm very, very happy. If it's more from this fucking class, but if not, then I'll just use it to keep my bed steady or some shit. How was the audio book process?

Oh, good. Do you like read it, just read it? Or are you like performing it? Well, so I, I wanted to perform it because it's being,

going out to so many places like Australian American stuff. And I do have a thick accent. Like I did, I had to slow it down and make sure my diction was properly. So I don't think – there are some bits where clearly I'm just trying to get the words out there. But if you want it to sound more like me, just put it up to 1.5 speeds. I would always say to any Scottish fans of mine, play at double speeds. That's funny.

You'll sound like home. Yeah, I sound like normal. But because I've got to make the Aussies and the Yanks understand it, I'm like, hello, my name is Daniel Sloan. So, hi, I'm an English instructor. Yeah, when you guys get going, when you guys get going, and I'm sure this is true of any dialect,

but it's like, what? Oh, yeah, the Scottish one is particularly difficult. I've always enjoyed... My Scottish accent is not that thick when I'm at home. If you ask any Scottish person, they'll call me English because I sound fucking posh to them. Which I'd imagine is the biggest of insults.

Oh, yeah. The only one higher than that is... The worst thing a Scottish person can be is a Tory. That's like the hoity-toity Irish people? No, no. Tory of the British right wing. Scotland in its history has never voted

for a conservative government but it doesn't matter what Scotland wants whatever England wants England fucking gets so like Scotland always has a bit

like when we say fuck the English it's like a banter full like normally sports related sort of thing but when you say fuck the Tories

you mean that there's no lower being that you can beat to a Scottish person than a fucking Tory. I'm now on a Tory rant. What were we talking about? Just when you get going in your natural talk, it's like...

When I meet a Scottish person out here, because I'm so excited to meet another Scottish person, we just start speaking in tongues to each other. And Americans do this thing where... You guys don't really try your hardest to each other. And, like, Americans do this thing where you guys don't really try your hardest to understand other accents. We don't try our hardest at anything, brother. You conform to us.

That's how it works. I don't know how we just convinced the whole world to speak English. That was a cool one. You did? Yeah, well, the British get the credit for that one, I think. I guess you guys get it. All of you know we did way more Genocides before we even started

Okay Colonialism was on first You want to go answer some fucked up questions From the internet? Where are the tours by the way? Where are the dates? At the moment I'm all over the US doing

in New York I'm doing the Bacon Theatre on Friday oh yeah yeah yeah doing Albany as well which I know is near here but if you want to see me

just danielsloss.com I've got it's 40 dates in America over the next and there's in just America we're doing 40

yeah yeah and there's book signings after a lot of them and we're pretty much fucking going everywhere. So please do. Where's, where's like the,

the furthest reaches of, of your tour? Here? Well, we're going to places like, we're going to New Orleans. Fuck.

We're going to, I mean, I don't know America. You know what? Neither do we. Yeah, yeah. You know, we should probably get a blank map.

I think I did. If we put a blank map in front of you, how many states, American states, do you think you could write in? Oh, 10. There's people here who got under. I was going to say, I did 20-something. There's people here who got single digits, number of states, like, that have lived here their whole lives. Yeah. I could do California, and then I could do like some of the ones

east coast and then it would be, I'd get about three in the south and then all the middle. I would just be like, Ohio? Blind guessing.

All of this is Ohio. Is it all Ohio and then north is Minnesota? All right, let's go do it. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.