KFC Radio - Welcome Ft. A Very Annoyed Kayce Smith

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Welcome - Feits says something bad about Tom Brady????? - rob Gronkowski's commercial - Subway tuna isn't actually tuna - KFC Radio Live Show flashbacks - Feits finds proof that his stories are real - what do morning people do with all their time?? - Top 5 Sad Boys - Voicemails: - why is it lame to root for another team? - tattoo of serial killer or dick - friend ditched for girl Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @Joshua__DM @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That's the meanest thing ever said on this podcast. Right there. That's the meanest thing ever said on this podcast. Are you going to let me explain it? Nope. Welcome. Why are you being weird?

What? I'm not being weird. I'm just saying welcome to everybody. Welcome. Welcome. I really already regret saying welcome to everybody. Welcome. Welcome. I really already regret saying yes to doing this podcast. Welcome. Welcome.

Am I missing something? Is this a joke? Stop. You're ruining it. We haven't got all this. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. welcome welcome well welcome welcome this episode's called welcome sorry welcome you can't laugh during god i'm not i'm not laughing start again with you i'm laughing at you three two one welcome laugh during it. I'm not laughing with you. I'm laughing at you. Three, two, one. Welcome. You laughed again. Okay. This time's real.

Welcome. Can I go get my fucking taser? Welcome to another episode of KFC Radio on the barstool okay welcome welcome to the audition kfc radio on the barstool sports network kevin is on vacation i am in the driver's seat, baby. I really should have thought twice.

When you were like, hey, you want to do the episode today? I was like, yeah, sure. Every time I come in here, I regret it. Yeah, me too. Welcome. Fucking saying welcome. Stop. What do you mean? I've only said it once.

We cut all the other ones. Okay, so Kevin is on vacation. We have Casey in here today. If you are listening to this in the morning, say 7, 8 a.m., whatever time you get up for work. That's not important. You might want to set a reminder for 10 a.m. when the hottest pair of sneakers drop. They're in the store.barstoolsports.com. They are the sad boy ones.

They are in fuego. I have my own pair of sneakers. That happened. That's pretty fucking cool. I have my own pair of sneakers. They're fucking sick. I've worn them every single day since I got them. They are giving me zero pairs of sneakers after this one pair.

I have to buy them. What? I will be buying four pairs of sneakers at 10 a.m. Do you get a cut of the sneakers? No. Have you not learned your lesson? No. No. I mean. This you not learned your lesson? No. No.

I mean. This is just a fun thing to do. They're fucking sick. We've been working on these for a legitimate year. It was still 2020. It was a snowstorm in 2020 when we first started working on these. It was a snowstorm in 2020 when we first started working on these sneakers. I'm going to be honest with you.

They were supposed to be out in the summer. That's not going to happen because the summer already passed through. But that would have been weird if they came out in the summer. Why? They're white canvas shoes. I mean, they're a fucking staple. They're a sneaker you have. Yes, but they're a sad boy, though.

Like right now, I'm wearing them with fucking brown pants. You can wear them with any kind of pants, but they are good with all pants. Can I ask you a question? In shorts, what? When did you get so flexible, John? When did I get so flexible? I don't know. Probably when I got Sad Boy sneakers on sale now.

If you're listening to this later in the day, guess what? You probably missed out. If you're listening to this in the morning, if you're intending to buy these sneakers, I recommend not watching my commercial that I make, which comes out at 10 a.m. as well. I would also recommend that, yes. It's very funny. It's a funny commercial. I don't know if your co-star in that scene will ever be the same.

Why? Because he's going to be so horny for his whole life? No. No. You think he's got pre-epism? I don't even know what that means. It means he can't get rid of a hard dick. Pre-epasm? Pre-epism? That sounds like even know what that means. It means you can't get rid of a hard dick. Pre-epasm?

Pre-epism? That sounds like a completely made up word. No, it's not. You made that up. I don't know the pronunciation. And the only reason I know about how it exists, it's P-R-I-A, I believe P-I-S-M. P-R... Nailed it.

And then it is a hard penis that will not go down. Okay. And it is a hard penis that will not go down. And I only know about it because a spider jumped out of a box of bananas. Priapism. And I wrote a blog about it. It's Priapism. Priapism. Okay. Priapism.

And what is it, Nick? Priapism is a prolonged direction of the penis. Yeah. That's about right. Can you Google Priapism spider bite? Because this happened there's a spider that'll bite you

and all your blood rushes to your dick and you can't do anything about it and it happened to the guy at the supermarket the spider jumped out of a box of bananas

and I remember writing a blog about it just thinking about the poor guy running around the supermarket telling everyone his hard dick won't go down and no one believed him

and then think about you got a hard dick in public because a spider bit you and everyone's like gross this man's got a boner you got a hard dick in public because a spider bit you and everyone's like, gross, this man's got a boner and you're like,

you don't understand a spider bit me. But wouldn't you just leave the supermarket? Well, yeah, but like, you're still in public and people are like,

why are you in a hard dick, you weirdo? Can't you guys just flip it up in your waistband? Isn't that the whole thing? I haven't done an old flip in quite some time. I mean,

but that's the whole thing, right? Since like, school. Actually, I don't even know if I ever did a flip in school. I'm sure I did. I Actually, I don't even know if I ever did a flip in school. I'm sure I did.

I don't even know why I'm lying. I did a flip like recently in this office. In the office? Yeah. Oh, after your nap or something, right? Yeah, because I was getting nap owners.

Yeah, but so like, why was this guy running around? I was just like, oh no, don't worry. I got hard in the office because I was sleeping. Yeah. We weren't worried about you.

Heads up. I think this man At the grocery store Didn't have to tell everybody That he Well I'm sure he didn't Tell everyone But I think When people notice

And you're like I don't know what to do See that's But Ladies Ladies You're just like Oh it's no big deal

Who cares I didn't say it was no big deal I'm saying Then us ladies Have been lied to our whole lives If all It's like Oh you can just flip it up

In your waistband No problem Sometimes Sometimes it fucking Is it Okay depends on what kind of pants You're wearing Us ladies have been lied to our whole lives. It's like, oh, you can just flip it up in your waistband, no problem. Sometimes. Sometimes it fucking isn't. Okay, it depends on what kind of pants you're wearing. Are you wearing maybe a pair of champion sweatpants? Guess what?

That string doesn't hold it up. That string's not. That string's a little too weak. Every waistband could hold it up. Not true. Really? Not true. Not true. Really?

Because sometimes it's got like a weaker band. Don't show me I don't need to know And then like But no like You know how like Sometimes the sweatpants Have the loop

And you can't tie it tighter Yeah Those ones It'll just kind of Push through Like I don't know Like storming the gates In like Thrones

When they just kind of Keep rushing down The fucking The front gate I'm just picturing A lot of dicks In Game of Thrones now Yeah it's funny

What happened with The guy at the market I didn't find the front gate. I'm just picturing a lot of dicks in Game of Thrones now. Yeah, it's funny. What happened with the guy at the market? I didn't find it. You didn't find it? Come on, Dick! I found the spider. What do you mean, found the spider? It's a faux nutria, it's called. A faux nutria. I am still undefeated.

I've never been wrong on this podcast. It's very impressive. I don't know how I do it. Pat yourself on the back. You just gave me an idea for our top five. You just gave me an idea. Well, anyway, get the Sad Boy Sneakers. They are out now.

Today's episode is going to be brought to you by... Casey, what do you think it's brought to you by? Sad Boy Sneakers. No, that's not true, sweetheart! It's brought to you by sad boy sneakers no that's not true sweetheart it's brought to you by 3G it is the favorite

product here at Firestone Sports every single person loves it haven't run into a person in these hallways not a one time

who didn't like it at 3G oh I don't know what that one there we got a little A-word there didn't we we got off track

no one can understand what you're saying they can understand it just fine they've all met Patty Johnny. Now, 3G is the best product that we've had at Barstool Sports. It just is. They can have the gummies.

The gummies they started with, right? And they were unbelievable. And then they went to the vapes. Everyone loves the vapes. They got the Fruity Pebbles. Not the Fruity Pebbles. They got the cereal bars. They got the chocolate chip cookies. They got the fudge brownies. They got the cereal bars. They got the chocolate chip cookies.

They got the fudge brownies. They got every single thing. They got the new 8-Ball Candies. 8-Ball Candies, I said. 8-Ball Candies, but they're full of the Delta-8 product. Now, it gives you none of the anxiety that you get in maybe other THC products. Gives you none of the fogginess you get. You're going in and out of this accent.

I go in and out of all the accents. That's part of my accent bit. I fucking forget how to do the accent. Now, all the products are formulated by a biochemist, and they're made in the USA with USA-grown hemp. Gives an amazing, but great feel in the body, great feel in the head. I don't know where I went with that one.

That one may have gotten a little Jamaican. Yeah, there it is. It's only available online for people 21 years and older. Go to 3chi.com That's the number 3 chi.com and there are retailers around the country. It must be a 21 year old to purchase.

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All right. That was good. Okay. Okay. So we're recording on Monday. Casey and I watched the Bucs-Falcons game last night. Falcons, yeah. And I am ready to say something about Tom Brady that I think the Tom Brady diehards of my peeps with a Z, that they might not be ready to hear.

I can already tell I don't like it. It's not just Brady. It's Brady Gronk. I think we're doing too many commercials. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We're venturing into

Wait from a fan standpoint you don't like it? It's not I don't care get your fucking money But every commercial break There's like three commercials That feature at least one of them I love that It's just a little much

For who? Who's mad about it? I'm not mad about it It's just like It's a little over the top It's bordering on One of my favorite tweets of all time From at Troll Withers, Tyler I am No it's at Tyler I am, Troll Withers

It said Jack would do a commercial for Genocide If the check was on time And It's like In one of the gronk commercials gronk pretends to be a hit the beat for me person so he can steal valor wait what that's in the usaa commercial which by the way why are there so many usAA commercials when we can't get USAA? Everyone in the military knows about USAA, I imagine.

I figure they tell everyone. And they're like, hey, by the way, you have your own fucking bank because you're in the military now. And we can't fucking join it. And so there's one commercial where Gronk calls and he says, I'd like to join. And they're like, Rob Gronkowski, you can't join. He's like, I'm Super Bowl champion Rob Gronk calls and he says, I'd like to join. And they're like, Rob Gronkowski, you can't join. He's like, I'm Super Bowl champion Rob Gronkowski. They're like, you can't join because you didn't serve in the military.

And he's like, well, I'm special. And he says it. They insinuate that Rob Gronkowski has mental issues. I'm going to be honest. I've never seen this commercial. You've seen it. We watched it 10 times last night. With the sound on?

Nah, the sound probably no it's not probably wasn't on but whatever the i mean that okay i will give you that john that might be crossing a line it is like it might be crossing a line like gronk was like you can't be making fun of gronk was like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna pretend i have mental issues and he saw a check and he's like man rob gronkowski is a person to have a lot of beeps in this one. Yeah, but also, but, I mean... Can you, like, splice the thing in there? Yeah, well, we can't put the commercial...

I'm going to show you how he, like, it's... I'm going to show you the commercial. But here's the thing, John, is that there are a lot of people that already think he's... Well, I know that's how they got the idea for the commercial. Well, I know, so he's, like, leaning into the fact that people think that. I know, but it is... You know what? I'm back in. I don't think how they got the idea for the commercial. Well, I know. So he's like leaning into the fact that people think that. I know.

But it is. You know what? I'm back in. I don't think it's over the line. I don't think it's over the line. Hi, this is Robert. I'd like to get up to 30% off my auto insurance with SafePilot. I can help you with that.

What's your member number? 87. It should be between 5 and 12 digits. Boston, this is Super Bowl champion Rob Gronkowski. I'm not a member. Mr. Gronkowski, USA is for the military community and their families. That's what makes us special. Oh, but I'm special.

USA is still only for the military. That commercial. I'm going to say this. That is Rob Gronkowski heavily winking. I have special needs. No, no, no, no, no. So first winking, I have special needs. No, no, no, no, no. So first of all, I have seen that commercial. I've just never heard it was sound.

I've seen that commercial a billion times. I just didn't realize what it was. Of course you've seen it a billion times. You watch football. I don't think, I think that we're thinking he's pretending like he's ****. I think he means. Casey's going hard on your, I only wanted to say it once. Casey's like, I'm from Texas, y'all.

I'm going to say it. What does that have to do with anything? People say it. People say it. No, they don't. Yeah, people say it. First of all, I mean, everybody says it. I don't.

Not me. You said it first. I wouldn't have said it if you didn't say it. I didn't say it first. There was a beep for me. Yours had been in it the whole time. No, no, no. No, no.

The beep is only for KFC Radio. All those guests can say whatever they want. No, I'd like it to be beeped, please. I'd like it on the record that I get beeped, too. I think that Gronk was trying to insinuate that he's special. He's a special person, not special things. Even the way you said that. There's no other way to be special. Yes,

there is. No, there isn't a special talent. No. Okay. First of all, you said you added a word to it. You didn't just say he's special.

I'm special. No, like people would be like, you're, you're special. Maybe to you. Well, Rob Gronkowski would be special to like Camille.

She's he's special. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I promise you,

Camille's never looked Rob Gronkowski in the eye and went, oh, you're just so special. I She's special. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I promise you, Camille's never looked Rob in the eye and went, oh, you're just so special. I bet she has. No, special can only be understood one way.

that's not true. You can be a special talent. Okay, so like when, when my mom says to me, like, we've always known you were special,

is she calling me? Yeah. Retarded? She's saying you got mental problems. Yeah. No, she's not.

Casey, yeah. No, she's not. No, she's not. When your parents say, Casey, we've always known you were special, what they're saying is, we knew that doctor was wrong. We took you for a test in second grade, and we knew he fudged the numbers on that one. No. No.

I think you're wrong. That's what my mom says. Well, your mom actually poked your brain as a child. Yeah. So she was trying to make you special. No, she was... Whatever. I think that you are reading more into it

because you want it to mean that he thinks he's... No. Even the way he... The faces he makes, the way he looks down at his jersey, he's like, oh, 87? Like, no. But Gronk just acts like that all the time.

Gronk doesn't act like that. Gronk, he's calculated as well. We're doing calculated people. Gronk, I mean, Gronk is calculated, but he also, like, he's playing that up. He's not pretending to be an autistic person. I didn't say autism. You used the worst word for it. Autism isn't that word.

Autism and... Yes, that's the same thing. What are you talking about? You are disparaging a large group of people now. I mean, are we about to sit here and pretend like people with autism are also not called the R word? I don't think so. Nick!

Maybe down in Texasas but up here we just that's why it's offensive you're on the spectrum no that's why it's offensive you can't say it anymore because of people is digging her hole i am not and deeper the longer anybody have my back here anybody jack yes everybody over there you what i'm not joining this yeah i'm backing away i got a head nod from jack. Oh, good. There you go. The dynamic duo catches up. You are so wrong about this. But you know what?

Nick's right. We should probably not dig ourselves too deep into this. But there is a reason that that word is now considered offensive towards a group of people. Yeah. It's not because of autistic people. Some type of autism. Okay, Casey. Sounds like you might have ridden a short bus to school.

My sister's going to be so pissed about this right now. I mean, all right. What I'm saying here is that Rob Gronkowski and Tom Brady do too many commercials. Honestly, I completely forgot what you were talking about. I mean, Tom Brady do too many commercials. Honestly, I completely forgot we were talking about that. I mean, Tom Brady could just be on a blank screen, just like a still shot of him, and every single product could just scroll across the bottom like a ticker,

and I wouldn't think he's doing too much. Look, I agree with you. I love Tom Brady. Motherfucker threw five touchdown passes yesterday at 44 years old. Casually. He's got nine. He has the most five touchdown passes yesterday at 44 years old. Casually. Casually. He's got nine. He has the most touchdown passes in his career through two games.

He is 14 touchdown passes away from throwing more touchdowns in his 40s than he threw in his 20s. He's only 44. He got the helm of quarterback for the Patriots at 23, I think. Maybe 22. No, it's his year 22 season. So he sat his rookie year. So he became starting quarterback at 23, I believe.

So he did seven years in his 20s. He's only done four years in his 40s. Not even a full four. Because I think 40, 41, 42, 43. Oh. That's how math works. That is how it works think 40, 41, 42, 43. Oh. That's how math works. That is how it works.

Yeah, that's my bad. Short bus. I get it. But here's the... Then my question is, is Wyatt, like, what do you care if he's on TV so much then? You love him. I do love him, and that's why...

People that hate him, I could understand. They'd be like, I don't want to see Tom Brady anymore. But if you love him, there's never too much Tom Brady. But what we're learning is... I'm not learning anything. I'm not learning anything, there's never too much Tom Brady. But what we're learning is maybe there is. I'm not learning anything.

There's never too much. Get your money. Get your money, Tom. I love you. Sometimes I'm just like, oh, wow, they're on TV again. It's just a lot. No. I disagree with you. I am not saying that they should stop airing the commercials. I'm not saying they should stop

filming the commercials. I'm not saying they should stop filming the commercials. I'm just saying a lot of commercials. But you're saying there are too many. I'm saying a lot of them. You said too many. Maybe I did. And you're walking it back now because again I'm right for the second topic of the day.

Fine. Fancy like Applebee's. If we just start doing that commercial every time, I'll be okay with that. That is the worst commercial I've ever seen No it's not I was trying to think of a worse commercial Yeah you can't But it's the best commercial

Well it's also recency bias But I mean it is horrifically bad I'm never eating an Applebee's again Not that I do normally See that's the beauty of marketing It's like when the day they found out That tuna at Subway wasn't real Not that I do normally, but that... See, that's the beauty of marketing. It's like when the day they found out that tuna at Subway wasn't real, and I got a tuna Subway that day.

Wait, tuna at Subway is not real? No, they can't find traces of tuna fish in it. What is it? No one knows. What do you mean no one knows? This is months ago this happened. This was a big story a few months ago. There's no traces of tuna fish in a Subway tuna. And they're still allowed to sell it?

I suppose so, yeah. What is it? Like dog food? I feel like a Subway tuna sandwich is almost like a juicy juice box where you get a little asterisk and below it says not made from fruit juice. But you at least know that's sugar and water. It says 100% real fruit juice and then there's an asterisk and it says like 2% fruit juice. Yes, but that's sugar and water. What is that – the substance if it's not tuna?

Can we get a research on that? Like cat food? I mean I've honestly – since that announcement came out, I'm glad this is coming up because I felt guilty about it for a little while. Since Subway has announced that there is no tuna in their tuna subs, I have eaten exponentially more tuna subs from Subway. Well, that doesn't surprise me. You're revolting. Yeah, it is.

You're a garbage can. They're disgusting. They're so bad. They taste bad, too? No, no, no, no. It's just, they're just... It is literal slop. But what is literal slop. But what is the slop? Scientists can't define it. A mixture of various concoctions

that do not constitute tuna yet have been blended together by defendants to imitate the appearance of tuna. It is... That's a scientific way to say stuff. It's a bunch of stuff. He didn't even say like... The CEO goes, people love our tuna. We're very proud of our tuna, so that's a bunch of stuff he didn't even say like the ceo goes

people love our tuna we're very proud of our tuna so that's the end of the story and guess what i got no regrets about eating it sure i poop almost immediately this is not the episode to talk about your shit john since when did y'all become a poop podcast i thought that was y'all's whole thing that you weren't one We're not, I'm just fucking I mean, I was at the live show last week and there was definitely Oh yeah, Casey threw up at the live show last week And I legitimately projectiled in the green room

It was And I didn't even see the end of it I don't know how Nick hasn't killed himself yet I admittedly have not seen this I covered my eyes for the entire time I was the only one that saw it. That's why I'm saying how have you not offed yourself? Ari Shaffir asked us an ATI question while taking a shit on the toilet

and then wiped his ass at the end, held it to the screen. Yeah. Wait, what did he do with his dick? Oh, his dick wasn't involved. But he still didn't wipe his ass, right? No, no, he leaned forward and wiped from the back. Oh, I see, I see wasn't involved. But, like, so, like, I mean, he still didn't wipe his ass, right? No, no, he leaned forward and wiped from the back. Oh, I see, I see, I see. And if you...

Do you... Yeah. I don't want to know. I regret asking. This is, that's funny. Casey got so, like, worked up about it. Yeah, do you want to know the grossest part? No, Nick, I don't.

Yeah, sure, say it. The blood was substantial. What? Shut up. You're real? I swear to God, it was horrendous. Did Ari have his period? I don't know what was going on.

Ari Shafir, are you on your period? From your butt? It was noticeable. Like, it was very gross. Sorry, Casey. That makes you think it wasn't real then. No, no. He unfurls toilet paper before because I had the same thought.

You can see it. Maybe he put something on his butthole. I don't. It looks like shit just in blood. Shit and blood. He's like, I talk about college football. I think maybe he put something. Ari can't be bleeding that much out of his butt.

I don't know, man. It was pretty, pretty nasty. Oh, now I have to. I mean, are we talking, like, what's the ratio here, Nick? I'd say a third. A third of his poop was blood? Yeah, it was like, of the wipe, it was like, there was a good amount of blood. A third of Ari's butth was a good amount of blood.

A third of Ari's butthole is uterine wall. That was good, John. That was good. That was good. What did you think of the rest of the show, Casey? It was fantastic. That's overshadowing it, to be completely honest with you, because I didn't even get to finish the show. It was one of those types of throw-ups where like it's just gonna shoot out of your mouth

like I but I thought the rest of the show was great um I can't I had I had a problem with one with one other thing but I can't remember what it was now oh Kevin telling his poop story why why are you guys doing this now I I don't know it kind of just happened like Kevin tell telling that whole story about like the dish soap soap and being at his friend's house and that whole thing. Like, you guys have always staunchly been like, we don't talk about that. We don't find the humor in it. And something just happened. Now you do?

Something just happened where, like, we just kind of started finding humor in poop stuff. Well, it's not funny. I mean, it's funny. Like, Kevin's story was a funny story about pooping. Well, Kevin's story was funny because you felt so bad for him. Like, it was just, I felt like it was just, I can see his dumb ass running around naked and, like, the whole thing. I'm just going to say, I don't think you guys should lean into the poop side of things. It reminds me of one of my favorite David Sedaris stories called, like, I think it's called The Big Turd.

When he had to get – this is why I asked at the live show where Kevin said he found a trash can. I was like, ooh, is there a bag in it or no bag? Where David Sirius finds a bag, goes in, gets the poop out, and then throws it out the window, but it's a cocktail party, and someone finds it out in the backyard. You have to kill yourself. You do.

I mean, there is – What happened to this shit? No. I mean, I hate it here. I really do hate it here. Why? Because I was having a nice day. I'm no longer having a nice day.

Because you're making me sick to my stomach No I thought the live show was very good It was very funny And I loved that The crowd was just like In the mix again You guys haven't done one since when? 2019? I'm talking about at Caroline's

It was good The girl that was to Kevin's left That was just like screaming about S sucking dick was on a different level. She was a baddie. She. If you want to know why she was screaming about it, she was in a fluorescent shirt. Chicks in fluorescent shirts can't wait to tell you about how they love sucking dick. Since when, John?

Any fluorescent color? Any fluorescent color. She was in a highlighter green one, I believe, but a highlighter orange, they'll tell you. Highlighter yellow, they'll tell you. Pink? Oh, God, they might be the first ones to tell you. I'm going to have to throw all those shirts away. Notice how she sneaky did it just there, Casey?

What? How you sneaky said it there. Oh, I got to get rid of those shirts then. That's saying it, especially with those fucking nails. Can we talk? I mean, ho-nails are not actually ho-nails. That's the thing. What does that mean?

I always talk about the color, not the ho-nail aspect of it. Oh, never mind. But there it is again, Casey. Sneaky, subtweeting herself with all the highlighter colors. She's like, so the shape of these doesn't mean I'm a slut.

I did. I walked right into that. So back to the girl that was slutty at your show, getting the attention off me. What was so funny about it is because I was sitting behind them, like closer to the green room, the side, so I could see the crowd. She yells at you guys, interacts with you, and then you guys start talking about something different. And she was continuing the argument with every guy at the table. She was like, why wouldn't you suck dick for $2 million and i was like you got it's got to be over now oh yeah that's right i forgot everyone kevin kevin and most of the people in that room okay so we'll do that i put that that ati road kevin and i argued

about this the next day at work he was still trying to convince me that all the dudes were lying. So you can either get $500,000 and a blowjob, or you can suck a dick for $2 million. That's the easiest answer of all time. Well, for you, obviously. I still think for guys it would be. I'd suck the dick for $2 million. Yeah, the difference between $500,000 and- Well, you suck a dick for $1.5 million. Well, no, because you'd get the $500,000 either way. Yeah,'re selling anything for a million and a half. Well, no.

Because you get the $500,000 either way. Yeah, true. Okay. Is the person giving you the blowjob like whatever your sexual preference is? No, it's your dad. Are you serious? No. Yeah.

Jesus. I missed that part. I need to call Kevin right now and tell him to go see his therapist. I think that it's an easy answer. Like the difference between $500,000 and $2 million is a lot of money. It's a significant amount of money. Yes. And I understand Kevin's point was like,

well, you can just lay there and make 500 grand. It's like, all right. Or just like suck a dick for a little bit and make 2 million. Yeah. It's not. Well, I think Jacqueline's talking about this,

but Jackie's like, it feels a lot longer. Girl preach. God, it's not. Well, I think Jacqueline's talking about this, but Jackie's like, it feels a lot longer. Girl preach. God, it feels so much longer. It really does. I don't like Jackie having backup in this room. I'll say that. I think it's on this door like fucking a little rascals.

No girls allowed. It really it feels so much longer. And then like when you if you happen to like look at your phone and see how long the whole thing lasted, you're're like what the fuck that felt like i put in twice three times four times the work that i actually did picking the last 10 percent in uh or the first 90 wait what yeah it's a different question but it's i i don't know it's an ati question would you rather suck 90 the first 90 of dick or the last 10? The last 10. Easy. See, but that's a different one for guys, too.

That's easy. You want the 90%. I'm telling you. No, you don't. I don't want cum in my mouth. That, I understand, is fair. I've eaten popsicles before. I've never eaten a fucking Gusher's popsicle.

John, if you think eating a Popsicle is anywhere near the same as sucking a dick. No, you're right. It doesn't give you brain freeze. Yeah, I'm telling you that 90% is much harder than you think it is. And I'm not saying it's a hard thing to do, but it feels like it's much harder and much longer than it actually is.

But I still think anybody would take $2 million over $500. Unless you're just incredibly like... I don't... I mean, I guess maybe if you just don't want to suck a dick, but I still think $2 million might be worth it. Again, it is... I was with you.

I was like the only person who was like, yeah, I'll do it for a million and a half. But it is... It's going to take a lot to get me. Two million is a lot of money. No, no, no. I just mean mentally. It's one of those things where you, like a cash on the table thing,

where you're in the room, just you and a hard penis. This is a lot more than I thought it was going to be. You're already on the Kinsey scale. What are you giving shit? Of course I'm on the Kinsey scale. Everyone's on the Kinsey scale. That's're already on the Kinsey scale. What do you give a shit? Of course I'm on the Kinsey scale. Everyone's on the Kinsey scale. That's the part of the Kinsey scale. Like you, you and Kevin, you and Kevin.

That's why the Kinsey scale exists. Everyone's on the Kinsey scale. Well, you guys are actually on it. You're not just at the beginning of it. Well, it's fucking, it's not a. Like, it's like if you, if it's like, you know, here's like totally straight and here's like totally gay. You guys are like flirting like right here yeah you

guys can be used as a reference point yes like they you guys identify as straight but there's or identify straight but there's a lot of room of gay in there too yeah yeah for sure so i don't think that it's that crazy but also that's just fucking that's people being too gay the other way which is by that i mean being too straight Kevin kissed a man on camera you're like that dude's hot Kevin kissed me on camera yeah I know right but that's what I'm saying

like that's fine I have no problem with that you guys do you I don't care I'm saying there are a lot of men that would not do that that's just a little peck on the lips don't be so gay about it

have you seen that Rhea's trying to pay all the guys in the office to kiss recently oh that that might have been why we did it how much money did she offer you no no no no that might have been in my did it. How much money did she offer you? No, no, no, no, no, no.

That might have been in my mind. Oh, yeah, no. I forget why we kissed. We kissed just because we're two dudes who like each other. She was asking. We can stop being gay about it. She was trying to get me and Spider to kiss for like $500. And I was like, real, what's going on with you right now?

Just a peck? Well, I kept asking her. And she was like, yo, never mind. I probably shouldn't have two straight people do it in the office. And I was like, what's happening right now?'t have like two straight people do it in the office and I was like what's happening right now and then the other day I walked around the corner and she was trying to get I think it was spider and Marty to do it and I was like are you trying to pay people to kiss again and she was like no

no no mind your business so I was like what's going on right now why is this happening I'll kiss not anybody in this office but I'll kiss most people in this office who would you not kiss I don't this office But I'll kiss most people In this office Who would you not kiss? I don't know Well

Well I've been Like How much Okay here's a question If you Like with Pat Does that make any difference In like Kevin?

No Even though he is gay? I kiss Pat for 500 bucks Would you kiss him for free? We're talking like these things? Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I'd probably kiss him for free Pat was like

Hey I'm having a down day I need a kiss I'm like Here you go buddy For free? Yeah, I'd probably kiss him for free. Pat was like, hey, I'm having a down day. I need a kiss. I'm like, here you go, buddy. For free? Yeah. Okay, all right. I'll let him know.

Well, Gay Night needs a kiss to cheer up. Sure, I got you, bro. Yeah, no, I think you guys are closer. I actually think you might be dead even on the Kinsey scale, right in the middle. That's where I like to live. Yeah, that's fine. Sit right on the fence. Pull up the middle. That's where I like to live. Yeah, that's fine. Sit right on the fence. Pull up the ass.

Fine. But cum in your mouth is where we draw the line. Got it. It's just because of the texture, really. How do you feel with the thick water from lowering the bar? How do I feel? I haven't seen you ever do it. Oh, I've done it. I did it on the thick water from lowering the bar? How do I feel? I haven't seen you ever do it. Oh, I've done it.

I did it on the thick water episode. Yeah, well, I didn't watch you do it. Well, obviously not. It was gag-induced. I didn't, like, I only got it in my mouth. You didn't, but it's just water. Yeah, but it's not. It's a texture thing.

I don't understand how people don't get this with me. It's not the taste. It's not the fucking anything. It's not the taste. It's not the fucking anything. It's not the words. It's not what people say to me. It is just the texture on my lips and on my tongue and on my esophagus. And it makes me want to fucking puke. But congratulations.

You and Lisa Ann held it no problem. No problem. None. I did not think. I was just shocked that anybody was upset about that. Yeah. That makes sense. By the way, I know we're changing subjects fast.

Whatever. If you can't. What did he say? We're talking too fast. You need to listen. Oh, boy. If you. Are you getting a stroke?

You're getting this excited about thinking about. If we're talking too fast, you need to listen quicker. That's what he said. Okay, I forgot to do this while we were talking about the live show. This is one of my crowning moments as a Barstool Sports employee. He's standing up. Oh, I thought you were getting your diary out. Nope.

Oh, yeah, fuck. What is it? John, this is me reminding you about this. Bam. Motherfuckers. Someone came out to me at a live show afterwards and said, I don't know what the deal was, like, talking about police officers and stuff. I'm not going to say his whole name.

But police captain of the Mount Pillier Police. You can probably find him there. I mean, you can definitely Google him. Well, there's only one captain. Is there one captain? Is it the actual captain? No, there's probably only one captain. Yes, John. I would say he's the captain's the captain there's the words or anything okay fine

shout out to eric the captain of the mount pillier police department now if you've seen the one thing i learned where i fell asleep in mount pillier and i was woken up by a police officer on the bench. It was Eric. His son is a big stoolie, loves one thing I learned, showed his dad the one thing I learned. His dad, Eric, was like, I'm the guy who woke that kid up on that bench. He remembered it. And guess what? For all you motherfuckers who doubt my stories and say I make them up,

if I had to guess, I would probably put that story at the top of my most unbelievable stories. I would say that's my most ridiculous and unbelievable story. Full circle. In fact, when I was telling the story for One Thing I Learned, I was like, this just sounds made up.

I fully admit I was thinking this sounds made up. I fully admit I was thinking this sounds made up. It is definitively not. The cop who woke me up and brought me to the bus station fucking remembers me. So suck my ass. How about that? Back to the Kinsey scale. That's not Kinsey scale.

2021. No, but I mean it is like that like Captain Eric probably has like a lot of stories in his line of duty like you don't forget that one like you don't forget waking up a kid and like it's not that far out of the realm that like somebody in his life would be a stoolie no not

at all it's all that shit but like that whole story from that story starts with me in Burlington Vermont I take a bus to That whole story starts with me in Burlington, Vermont. I take a bus to somewhere, miss the bus, hitchhike in a fucking 18-wheeler, go to a BC football game, go to Hobart College, go to an OAR show. Shout out Mark Roberge. Shout out Mark. Go to an OAR show in Toronto. Come back to Boston.

Take a bus. Jump off the bus in Mount Pelier thinking it's Burlington. Someone who is going to St. Mike's has been murdered in Mount Pelier. I get scared. Try and call my buddy. Get kicked out of a hotel because I don't have any money on me. I'm running from a person who I think is trying to murder me because they put the high beams on when I was in an alley

on a fucking payphone. Run. Fall asleep in front of a police station. beams on when I was in an alley on a fucking pay phone. Run. Fall asleep in front of a police station. Cop wakes me up, puts me on a bus. I go take a sociology test, psychology test, something like that

and get like an 87 on it. Just a crazy story. Go watch The One Thing I Learned but that is fucking confirmed real and if that one's real, they're all real so suck my ass again. I'm happy for you.

Thank you. That was like, I got so excited about that. I called Kevin over. I was like, Kevin. And even Kevin was like, that one was one of the more unbelievable ones. Yes. I mean, you're vindicated. You are vindicated.

I am vindicated. I am selfish. I am wrong. No, I'm right. I swear I knew it all along. I almost said dashboard before, but I was. And if you're a fan of Dashboard Confessional, if you liked to listen to Dashboard Confessional

when you were in high school or middle school or anything like that, then I have a good idea for you. Go to therapy. Because you fucking need it. Let's go! Wow, what a transition! Kev, stay on vacation, baby!

I got it. I might not even use an accent for this kind of thing. Yeah, even if you didn't listen to Dashboard Confessional, even if you listened to, I don't know, Fall Out Boy, go to therapy. Just go to therapy. And the best place to find a therapist is BetterHelp.com. The worst part of going to therapy is finding a therapist

because it takes forever. You've got to find someone you click with, someone who gets you, someone who's of going to therapy is finding a therapist because it takes forever. You've got to find someone you click with, someone who gets you, someone who's not going to be a little too judgy, but someone who's going to push back a little bit, someone who's not going to enable you, but someone who's going to say, hey, you know what? You were wrong there. It is a very difficult tightrope to walk. It's a knife's edge, if you will.

But BetterHelp will have you within 48 hours on the horn With a therapist You can do telecommunication You can do FaceTime You can do texting if that's what you're into You can just do on the phone You can talk to this therapist in any way you want It doesn't mean something's wrong with you It means you're investing in yourself

And guess what, even if you feel good right now Just get a therapist It's like working out, don't wait until you're fat to go do it Don't wait until you're on life support to maybe mix in a salad. How about you just work on the brain? Keep it sharp. Keep it in tip-top shape. So this podcast, sponsored by BetterHelp,

go to betterhelp.com and get 10% off your first month. I'm sorry, betterhelp.com slash KFC and get 10% off your first month. I'm sorry, betterhelp.com slash KFC and get 10% off your first month. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash KFC, 10% off your first month. You were complaining about something in the morning, something with mornings. Oh, yeah. What are you talking about?

Mornings. You immediately started a conversation with Nick and then stopped because you wanted to save it for the podcast. What's wrong with mornings? Well, I mean, I hate mornings, but what's your gripe with them? I just, I have been waking up in the morning lately. I woke up at 6.30 this morning. Ew. 6.30 in the goddamn a.m.

It was not dark. It was dusk outside. And I just don't understand what the fucking point is. People talk about being a morning person all the time. It is actually the number one sign that I will not like you as a person if you are proud and you voice the idea that you are a morning person. Yeah, no, it does feel like when people say they're morning people, they think they're better than you. It's like, yeah. Like, they just assume that their lifestyle is better than you.

And I, like, if you had to go to work at 8, getting up at 6.30 would be normal. That doesn't make you a morning person. That just means that you have to wake up and go to work. It's the people that are like, oh, no, I really enjoy my time in the morning. This is what I mean. Right, I don't understand that, and I also don't care. But there's nothing to do. It's the people that are like, oh, no, I really enjoy my time in the morning. This is what I mean. Right.

I don't understand that. And I also don't care. But there's nothing to do. What do you do? What do you mean you enjoy your time? Maybe they work out. I woke up at 6 a.m. this morning. You know what time I had to be at work today?

3 p.m. Well, we have not normal jobs, John. But people like me. And even that was fucking negotiable. I could have called and said... I woke up at 6 this morning, I had to be at work at 3, and I could have called and said I was going to be late. We could have made it work.

I honestly thought I was going to get a text like, let's just do this on Zoom, and I was going to be like, okay. Honestly, if I hadn't fucking run out of things to do by 11 a.m. this morning, I probably would have just hung out at home. When I got here pretty late today and you walked in like 20 minutes later, I'm like, I wasn't expecting you for an hour. Do you know what I did this morning when I woke up? I was on my way to therapy at noon and he scared me in the middle of the street

on his way into work. Do you want to know the only reason I came in today? Because I woke up at 6.30 and I read a book. I read half a book. Did you work out? I read most of a book. I read a good part of the book. Did you work out?

I worked out. I woke up this morning. I worked out. I read like 300 pages of the book. And then I looked at the clock and it was 9 a.m. I was like, well, what the fuck do i do now so then i made a smoothie and it was 9 15 and i just i was like what do people do what is there to do what do people without responsibilities do like like i almost i almost went out just got someone pregnant so i had something to do jesus christ i would aim a little bit lower than that

like find something in between like get a dog first I don't want a dog I want to come home and relax I don't want the kid either that was a joke yeah yeah there's something in the middle

of reading a book and getting someone pregnant that you can find to do is there yes then tell me what it is that's what I'm trying to do here the ukulele

you got a ukulele that's a whole thing grocery shop is That's what I'm trying to do here The ukulele You got a ukulele That's a whole thing Grocery shop Grocery shop for what? I have groceries What Like just fucking Like what do I do?

See But I think when people say They're morning people I don't think that they have A million hours to do nothing I think that they enjoy Getting up in the morning But then they do everything

That you just said Before they go to work You don't have to be at work until 3 So there's a difference I hate working out in the morning But I have girlfriends who love it And then they have to go into work So they wake up 2 hours earlier to go work out

They call themselves morning people I think they're fucking idiots But no one that's saying they're a morning person Doesn't have to go to work for 9 hours That's a whole ass day It's a whole ass day saying they're a morning person doesn't have to go to work for nine hours? That's a whole ass day. It's a whole ass day. I wake up and I just don't have anything to do

for a day. That's right. Gonna get you a puzzle. Gonna get you a puzzle. Yeah, a puzzle. No, I don't like anything that makes me feel dumb. Don't do crosswords, don't do shit. Don't do puzzles. Trivia, maybe?

Maybe brush up on your trivia? I don't know. Maybe. Or just, I don't know, go to bed later. I can't go to bed later. Bro, I went to, on Thursday night and on Sunday night, I went to bed at a time where I did not know who won the football game. You are so fucking washed.

I woke up Friday morning unaware who won the Washington football team versus Giants game. And I woke up this morning having bet Chiefs minus four and gone to bed with a seven-point lead, I believe. Not gone to bed, but falling asleep on the couch with a seven-point lead. I woke up this morning. I was like, I wonder if I won my bet. Turns out I didn't. Sure fucking didn't. But I had.

I didn't win mine either, but I at least watched it. I have two professional football games I've fallen asleep without knowing who won. You are 33 years old. That's crazy. Yeah. Especially as a gambler. Like, that's what's even weirder. Like, you. Yeah. Especially as a gambler. Like, that's what's even weirder. Like, you can't.

I'm tired, man. I get up at 6.30 in the morning. Stop getting up at 6.30 in the morning. I don't know. I can't. I don't have an alarm set or anything like that. It just happens. Something has happened to me, and it is, it's just the worst.

I've just had the worst, I've just had the worst life. I've just had the worst. Jesus. The worst time. It just all stinks. I got up, the worst life. I've just had the worst time. It just all stays. You know what time I got up? Saturday morning. I got up at Saturday morning at 6.15 after being awake. On purpose?

No, not on purpose. I just wake up. And you were still late to our barstool event. I got up at 6.15. Wow. I know what you can do when you wake up that early. Make sure you're on time somewhere that doesn't fuck all your coworkers over. All right.

You want to talk about that? You? Yes. You want to talk about Saturday? Yes, I would like to because I have a lot of things to say. I woke up at 6.15 and I went to go work out. Even the gym didn't open until 8. So I sat in my room in the dark for an hour and 45 minutes.

And then I went to the gym. And then I sat there for another two and a half hours waiting to go to our Barstool event. Because I had to be there at 12.30. Turns out we're doing Barstool Bites. I don't think I can tell you what that is just yet. But just know it's a thing. Barstool Bites. Yeah, the Barstool

Bites trucks were all over social. So we can never talk about that. Yeah, we can say Barstool Bites is a thing. I donites Trucks were all over social So we can never talk about that Yeah We can say Barstool Bites Is a thing Yeah I don't know what else I can say I can't say I'll say this

I'll say this Casey I'm this close To encouraging people Not to buy Barstool Bites You know what John I'm not gonna say it But I'm this fucking close To saying it

I am right there with you After what happened To us on Saturday Is just an all-time. That is if Barstool Bites is a thing you can buy. Yeah, as if. I don't know. You can purchase it at some point. I will say that what transpired on Saturday, and I know you tweeted this,

but it was an all-time, all-time Barstool bamboozle. And you've obviously been here for much longer than me. I have been a part of some bamboozling around here. Barstool versus America. Turned out it was an amazing series. It was awesome.

They just straight up lied to me about what that was. And then they were like, by the way, you can't fucking shower for like 10 days. Like, it was terrible. I would still put that

behind what happened on Saturday because I was at least given like a week heads up for Barstool versus America to prepare myself of what I was going to be put through. What happened when we showed up at Rutgers for a football game on Saturday was just an absolute lie. It was a purposeful, spiteful lie. It was. It was literally an intentional lie. Yes, it was an intentional lie. We are not exaggerating

folks. So we were told that we are going to go to a tailgate and we're going to promote this new thing called Barstool Bites, which I still can't tell you about. I don't think. I probably should have just checked it out before I started this, but I don't fucking care. It's all over the internet now. Because I was told

a great lie. We were told we were hanging out at the tailgate maybe throwing a few cheeseburgers around. Some t-shirts. A couple subs, a couple of this, a couple of that. Take some photos. We show up, and we are told we are now. Hold on, wait a second. We show up first.

A bus of us shipped from the office in New York show up and immediately start getting mic'd up. Fast forward to we can't start. So we find out what's going on, which I'm going to let you explain. She'll explain it better. We find out what's going on and are then told, well, we can't start until fights and Nate show up, which I know you're not close because you had told me like you were, you were like 30 minutes behind us already. So I just keep my shut and then you start calling me you have no fucking clue where to park you have no idea where to go and and all that we have we have a drone flying around that's how intricate this was and we just had to sit and wait for you to and i could see you from like yards and yards

away just your stupid dumb fucking walk just taking your time and we just had to sit for like an hour waiting for you two. Okay. I didn't think there was any reason I... First of all... I said to you on the phone we cannot start shooting until you get here.

Yeah, I was there at that point. I was just looking where to park. Okay. That makes me feel a little bit better. That's why we were there.

Okay. But it was... We were put in a lot that was nowhere near where we were parked where you guys were parked but we were not told what we were doing so I just thought we were just fucking hanging i was like why do they need i was in no rush i i

thought oh i know i thought that we were going to just be a tailgate and who cares when we get there because it's there's even by the time we got there which was late there was still three hours till the game so it's really not late when you think about a fucking tailgate um but we were told it was a tailgate so fine whatever show up it's a reality show competition that jeff d lowe is hosting apparently that we have 17 different cameras for and that we have to participate in reality challenges where we have to run around campus and get people who are at a tailgate basically the only place you bring food to come try food i so jeff d low you know he he

doesn't really want to work here he wants to be a host that's what he wants to do he's very proud he works on his barstool versus america thing and that was last summer he says it all the time i walked into the office on saturday morning i was i was meeting kelly and i saw jeff walk around he was had a mirror he was fixing his hair he was dressed to the nines compared to us and I was like what are you going to Rutgers too he's like yeah I'm hosting it I was like hosting fucking what and he was like you know this is like a big competition I was like no I didn't fucking know that no one knew that and it was so poorly communicated that I ended up in a screaming match with one of our producers an actual screaming

match Kelly had to break it up because I was so not that mad that I had to do it we were told oh you guys will be back on the bus by two it's college football Saturday I had to get to the gambling house I took off my microphone at like 150 it'd be like fuck you guys I'm leaving that was not the right move um and they and the whole time the person in charge of this just sat back, chilling, didn't take any of the heat. No, and guess what? None of the heat. The worst part about this reality show, because this is my first foray into it, and last, is that it's all too scripted, and I don't like it. It is, we do reshoots and retakes.

Like, there was one thing at the beginning. This is a very little thing. It was we were doing the stupid little fucking. It's called the flying V, John. Get it right. We were doing the stupid little flying V like this table. And in the middle of Jeff's speech, Hank just tried to flip a bottle. Oh, God.

That would have been cool if I landed it. Hank just tried to flip a bottle. And so in the middle of Jeff's stupid speech, Hank just tried to flip a bottle. And so in the middle of Jeff's stupid speech, Hank just tried to flip a bottle. Bam! There it is. And... There it is.

Caught the other ones just like we cut all the welcomes. And they were like, whoa, whoa, cut, cut, gotta retake it. Who fucking cares if Hank just tried to flip a bottle? Just roll with it. Just fucking... Why are we restarting and reshooting everything? It's not an ABC show. Let's just do this stupid fucking show that we have to do apparently.

John, you have no idea if you thought that was bad. What we were put through on that tour then. It was like we were on the fucking highest rated reality TV show of all time. And again, it turns out awesome. All this stuff turns out great. Everyone that works behind the scenes, it looks cool. It comes together cool. But, I mean, we are a long day from when you guys would do shit in Milton.

Like, I just – it was an all-time bamboozle. Everyone was pissed off. Not to spoil too much, you were running around without clothes on at one point. Well, that's because Clem didn't know we had them. Ripped my shirt off me. Like, just came my shirt off me. Like, just came right up to me, grabbed me by the throat, and then just ripped my shirt off. Like, right down the middle, like a shredder.

It looked like it was the easiest thing in the world. It legitimately looked like he just went like... Yeah, oh yeah, by the way, this fucking reality competition, guess what? We don't get any prizes, all we get are these cheaply made t-shirts that Clem can rip off my chest in two seconds. Yep. Yep. It was an all-time. All-timer. It's crazy. It was. It was. Shout out Parcel Fights, I guess. And then guess what? Oh, this.

This. The creme de la creme. I had a special parking spot where I, so I could leave. So I could leave once I was done with this godforsaken fucking reality competition as I'm parking I say hey I'm leaving before the game I'm gonna be able to get out of here right the guy goes yeah yeah that's why you're over here so we show up at two o'clock 2 15 whatever time we got out of there. Get back to my car. Guess what?

Parked in the middle of a tailgate. Surrounded by people in tents and food. I had to sit on the hood of my car for an hour and a half until everyone packed up and went into the game. And that is 100% true because... I just sat there reading in the middle of a tailgate while a party went on around me. What did you say? You were reading... I was reading Nate was just laying in the grass with a shirt over his face.

Keegs was smoking a cigarette. Like PFT and I walked with you because you were like, you were originally going to drop us off at the house, at the gambling house in Hoboken. And as soon as we saw you weren't getting out, like, well, fuck you guys. Sorry. No offense. We got to go take an Uber. And the whole time I'm sitting like, there's no way you guys were getting out before the game. I'm actually shocked that you did,

but it really did just put the cherry on top of how bad that day was. You just ripped my fucking thing. Give me that. I did. I ripped the ads. I'm sorry. Yeah, anyways, it was a bad time,

but I guess shout out Barstool Bites. Yeah, I guess. Shout out Barstool Bites. Again, no prizes whatsoever. Not even pride because no one wanted to be there. Not even pride. But pride's not even that good a prize anyway. You know what the best prize is?

What is it, John? It's a diamond, Casey. It's a diamond. A diamond is the ultimate prize. A diamond says, I love you. A diamond says, you did a good job. Jesus Christ. A diamond says, congratulations on your A's this semester.

A diamond says it all. I'm just trying to put ideas out for all the kids listening. Maybe you're not ready for a fucking forever diamond, but you want mom and dad to get you a diamond and say, hey, made Dean's List this semester. Might be time for a diamond from Blue Nile. BlueNile.com is the original online jeweler since 1999. Didn't even know the internet was around then, if we're being perfectly honest. They've helped

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different for their competition. They don't mark up to mark down, meaning BlueNile.com's everyday prices are competitive to other online realtors' sales prices. Personally, I think that the fall, sad boy season, and the winter are the two best times to engage. That's when my dad proposed to my mom, so I don't know why. I guess I just have that in my head. So we are coming up on engagement season. People get engaged at Christmas a lot. That's what I'm saying to my mom, so I don't know why. I guess I just have that in my head. So we are coming up on engagement season. People get engaged at Christmas a lot.

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Top five. Sad boys. This is the top five sad boys. In fact, you know what? I want your answers too. Alright. Everyone has to give one. Everyone has to give one. No.

I did all boys, but give me a girl. Sad boy season's for all. Yes, I have girls on mine. Oh, I got mine on. I got mine on deck. Oh, I got mine on. Okay. I got mine on deck. You got yours? Yeah.

Okay. Okay, this is my first time ever doing top five. Is it like a survivor pool? Yes. Yes. Okay. All right. All right, Casey, I will give you the honors.

John Wayne Bobbitt. Wait, the guy who got his dick cut off? Yeah. You know how sad you would be if you got your fucking dick cut off? Casey gets it. All right. Do you know how sad you would be if you got his dick cut off? Yeah. You know how sad you would be if you got your fucking dick cut off? In case he gets it. All right. Do you know how sad you would be if you got your dick cut off and thrown in a river? Bro, I'd probably be happy.

No, you wouldn't. If my dick got cut off, I'd be fucking thrilled. Thank God. This thing is probably nothing but stress and sadness in my life. If my dick got cut off, I'd probably be happier than I've ever been in my life. That's a true statement. I don't think most men would feel that way. If I lost... I think John Wayne Bobbitt is the number one sad boy because he lost his dick.

I'm just fantasizing right now about losing my dick. My life would be so much better. John, but think about how he lost his dick. What was he asleep, right? His wife just chopped it off. You don't want to go through that. Also, he cheated with scissors, right? I think so.

Yeah, all right. So John Wayne Bobbitt wasn't losing much. Well, what if they were those big-ass scissors? Nah, I bet she was just using kitchen scissors. If you're getting your dick snibbled with kitchen scissors, you're probably thankful. You're like, God, that thing was embarrassing. Well, but I would assume that it's not.

It would be soft. It's still. I would. Ooh, it was a knife. A knife? Yeah, it doesn't say what. Oh, is he passed out? How are you getting Ooh, it was a knife. A knife? See? Yeah, it doesn't say what. Oh, is he passed out drunk?

How are you getting your dick up with a knife? She was probably sawing that bitch. Yeah, that's what I mean. While asleep in bed. Huh? While asleep in bed. He must have been drunk. He must have been drunk.

There's no way. I'll make you a solemn promise right now. If anyone in this room or in this universe ever tries to cut my dick off while I'm sleeping, Nick, I'm looking at you. I will wake up. Yeah, but you just said you'd be fucking okay with it. That's a promise. Yeah, I mean, I'd be okay with it if the surgical procedure was done. Okay, see, that's my point.

It wasn't. John Wayne Bobbitt got his dick sawed off with probably like a knife that wasn't even sharpened. It was probably one of those like really blunt knives that are just like... No way! Wake up! I think he did, and she just kept doing it. At this point, again, I hate the victim blame, but at this point, I'm looking at John Wayne Bobbitt as maybe...

I think... I mean, you wake up, like, babe, what are you doing? Oh, God, she's fucking... Okay. All right. Hurry up, I guess. No. If you lost your dick, you'd be sad. You say you wouldn't, but you would be.

I would have, I, my life would change for the better. That's a fact. If I stopped having testosterone pumping through my veins. I don't think that that's what happens. Yeah, it would get your nuts off, too. No, it was just his dick. Oh, just a piece? Yes.

So you would still be horny just not able to do anything about it. You wouldn't be able to jerk off. You wouldn't be able to do any of it because you just wouldn't have a dick. Oh, just a piece? Yes. So you would still be horny just not able to do anything about it. You wouldn't be able to jerk off. You wouldn't be able to do any of it because you just wouldn't have a dick. I think I'd be better. I think it'd be better. I think my life would be better. You would still be sad about it. I'd be a little upset about it.

Yeah. So number one sad boy. What were you going to say, Nick? One, it was an eight inch knife. But it doesn't say if it was serrated or not. I would hope not. So do you think it was one clean chop? Or do you think she sawed it?

Like a loaf of bread, see? Yeah, you got to saw it. See? It was a good first pick by me. All right, Nick, who's yours? Linus from... Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, he's always walking around.

Oh, fuck. I think I just meant Charlie Brown. No, Linus is a stinky one. Oh, yeah, a good one. He's always walking around. Oh, fuck. I think I just meant Charlie Brown. No, Linus is a stinky one. Oh, yeah, Linus smells. No, that's Pigpen. Linus has the blanket, though. I think Linus is always getting shut down. I'm sticking with Linus.

Yeah, I like that one. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Oh, great one. Eeyore on the list. I had him on my standby list. I just don't have one. Okay. Okay.

I'll do. Thank you, Jackie. Sorry. I'm doing this. You know what? It's me because I can't. I've had technical issue after technical issue on this Ryan Long thing. So if we go watch the Ryan Long ATI. Okay.

Okay. Good plug. Yeah. Put yourself watch the Ryan Long ATI. Okay. Okay. Good plug. Yeah. Put yourself on the list. It's always okay. Jackie, put yourself. Oh, it's you? Yeah.

Oh, you're the number one side boy? I don't, yeah. Okay. Boy. I was going to say me. Yeah. I also had you on my list too. Okay.

Fine. You can have me. No, no. No, because now that's not fun. You have to do it. It's your number one pick. Way to ruin my list too. Okay, fine. You can have me. No, no. Because now that's not fun. You have to do it. It's your number one pick. Way to ruin it, Jackie. Okay.

Yeah, we'll just cut Jackie's thing along with the welcome and the bottle flip. Alright, my number one is Kid Cudi. He is fucking sad. Kid Cudi is my number one. And that should ensure my's my number one. And that should ensure my place is number one, because in my wildest fantasies, I am still not my number one pick.

You still don't believe in yourself enough. I still don't have the confidence to take myself number one in a fucking draft about lacking confidence. Kid Cudi's alive, right? You can't have the number one sad boy be alive. What? Like, he's not that sad.

He's still alive. Oh, you're talking suicides. Yeah. You're talking suies here. I got you. No, all my people are living. Oh, that's a strong thing coming from the guy at the live show that did top five deaths for all suicides. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Well, people have cards well i mean i i guess john wayne bobbitt didn't commit suicide i probably would have if i was him but uh my number two is robin williams jesus am i not allowed to say that no you can say i mean the man the man had a quote that said like i think the saddest people in the world try their hardest to make people happy because they don't want people to feel as miserable as they do. That's as sad as you can... It's pretty close, though. Yeah, no, you're close, yeah. Well, what is it, then, if it's not...

I mean, you got the gist of it. I don't have the exact idea. I feel like if you come out and you're like, I think the saddest... They know what it's like to feel that pain. To feel miserable, yeah. I feel like if you have what happened to him, and rest in peace peace and you also have a quote that says you're one of the saddest people on the planet you are on the top five sad boy list uh yeah i mean it's a good one is that rob rob williams is one rob williams might be the first stand-up act i ever watched

in my life and he's obviously one of my favorite people of all time he's great um i love him i do too and that and that was a huge huge mrs doubtfire fan as a kid that doesn't surprise me at all no but that's like that's how crazy because you talk that way all the time what in the mrs doubtfire accent i do yeah you just don't realize it you think you think that you're talking in like I do? Yeah, you just don't realize it. Do I? You think that you're talking in a British accent and you just end up talking like Mrs. Doubtfire. I think I just had a glass shattering moment.

Yeah, I mean, every accent you think you're doing is just Robin Williams' Mrs. Doubtfire. Every single one. Every single fucking one. Oh my God. I don't know what you hear, but I can tell you what I hear, and it's Mrs. Doubtfire.

No, but that's what makes him even sadder. That's what makes Robin Williams even more of a sad boy because he was that sad and still so fucking good at what he was doing. To be as good as he was at everything he did and to be that sad is very – it's sad. Sad boy season. Okay. Robin Williams it is.

Nick, do you guys want to keep going, or do you guys want to just do one out there? You guys can just say whatever you like. Shit, I just had one. I got another one. You got another one? Hannah Baker. Hannah Baker. I don't know who that is.

13 Reasons Why. I haven't seen it. Oh, damn. I haven't seen it, but I know what it is. She made up 13 Reasons why she was so sad. Yeah. That's pretty valid. Yeah, that's a good one.

That'll do it. Oh, yeah. I was going to say Bo Burnham. Bo Burnham. Good one. That's a good one. All right. This is a strong list everyone's putting together here.

What's your number two? My number two is going to be George Michael Bloom. No, no. Wrong. I'm taking him three. You weren't going to take him. No one's going to take him. Fuck it.

He's three Two is Stanley Flat Stanley? Huh? What did you say? What did you say? Flat Stanley? Did you say Flat Stanley?

I just said Stanley Did you say Fat Stanley? Flat Flat Stanley Who's Flat Stanley? It's a children's book, right? It's the Flat Stanley He would travel all over the It's a children's book, right? It's Flat Stanley. He would travel all over the world.

No, I meant Stanley from The Office. Did you guys do Flat Stanley? Yeah. No. I don't know what the fuck you guys were doing at your rich boarding school, but kids grew up doing Flat Stanley. I was very poor. I'd never heard of Flat Stanley.

Okay, I went to private school. Yeah. I don't know what't even i don't know what to say flat stanley was like a childhood staple i thought you said fat stanley and i was gonna say i guess it's better than calling him black stanley i would agree with that you talk about two different things stanley stanley is – I don't think he's ever diagnosed having depression, but Stanley is the most depressed person on the fucking planet. Okay, fair.

He's the fucking man. He is my favorite office character, I think. Obviously, he is my favorite minor character. Okay. And then since I also took George Michael Bluth, the all-time gif, the walking depressed, even sad boy, he looks like the profile of the sad boy. And he has one of my favorite lines when Michael Bluth comes in

and says, hey, kid, you alone? Or something like that. And he responds, almost always, yeah. That's so fucking sad. So sad. I think he goes, hey, you alone in here? Almost always, yeah. Very, very sad.

So do I go now? Yes, you go now. My third pick is Vincent Van Gogh. Okay. Well, you know how sad you have to like to cut off your ear and then eventually shoot yourself like it's pretty tough things must have been pretty tough in the brain and i mean i imagine it's vincent van gogh is it's a great pick because uh and this isn't like people forget i actually guess it is like a people forget because no one forgets this he was never famous or a well-liked yes he was poor as shit never made any money he went

insane he cut off his ear after a fight and then they found him like three days after he'd shot himself so for three days no one gave a fuck to find him how long do you think you'd last me yeah not even a day because i talked to people so much. Yeah, that's true. I'd talk to you for three days. No, you wouldn't. If I didn't talk to you for three days, you wouldn't do something like that with John. Yes, I would. And so would everybody else at work.

A day, I'd be like, oh, he's just not responding to my text. I'll shoot with him tomorrow. Day two, you think something? Day two, I'd be like, did he respond to anybody else? And then we'd check on him. And it also would depend on if it's like you had to not be in at work and stuff like that.

Because, like, if you just didn't show up to a podcast, I think there would be a lot of people. Yeah, but I have a three-day window. I could go, dude, if I didn't talk to any of you motherfuckers from Thursday night to Sunday, no one would think anything. If people were, no, if people were trying to get a hold of you, yes. It'd be different if, like. No, you'd be like, he's just off the grid. No. If I didn't see you tweet, like – because there are days like when you're not responding where I'm like, well, let's just check.

Like make sure he's tweeting. I like how you're like, no, we've done this before. Yes. Yeah. We've definitely done it. Not only have I done this, you've ignored me. You're like, we've run tests before. I'll tell you this.

I'm just telling you what I do. It's like we have drills every Saturday. If you're not answering me for some reason, I will call somebody in this office I know that you like and I will say, hey, can you text John? I like everyone in this office. Well, you know what I mean. That you might actually answer. He said like a liar.

But anyways. But anyways. But no, I mean, I know Van Gogh didn't live in the cell phone days, but if you've got no one in your life that just doesn't know that you shot yourself for that long, I do feel like it's kind of sad. And he was poor.

The way you guys are saying this makes it sound like a challenge. That's not funny. Did you guys still do the suicide jar? Because that is... Oh yeah, actually the new one is right behind you. It's not funny. Did you guys still do the suicide jar? Because that is... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Actually, the new one is right behind you. It's the giant pig.

It's the pig. It's the pig in the corner. Over in the corner. I forgot. I really want to debut this. Oh, this pig. The new jar. Go ahead, John.

Put some money in it. By the way, this pig, this jar, which we will fill up because it's Sad Boys season soon. This will be the one we give away at our next live show, which will be in November. We're not making the announcement just yet, but it will be in November. Do you see that thing that says hug me and fill me? Yeah, what's up, you little fucking pig? I feel like that is incredibly not okay for a child. Hug me and fill me.

F-I-L-L by the way F-E-E-L it could have been never mind keep going do you think people were listening to that being like I wonder if they mean fill no because I think I might have said it like it sounded like feel no you didn't oh okay well you don't know you sound like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire

so I don't know what to tell you okay I'm going Will Smith in front of Jada You don't know. You sound like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire, so I don't know what to tell you. Okay. I'm going Will Smith in front of Jada when she just said she cheated on him. Oh, damn. Oh, fuck. That is so good. That's a good one. Bring out the memes.

Yes. Very well done. Nick might be winning this draft so far. Yes. Mike? The dude that sold his Apple shares for a bottle of Coke and could be a multi-billionaire right now. What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, in 19, I think early 1990s, he sold his shares, which for a Pepsi bottle or a Coke bottle, and now would be worth, I think, over a billion dollars. I did not know about this person. Yes. I knew about the Victoria's Secret guy who did kill himself. The only reason I know about that is from social network.

But that story resurfaced whenever the guy who can't remember his Bitcoin password, that story started coming back about, because obviously the guy, that's an honorable mention right there. The guy who lost his Bitcoin password. Did he not get it? I don't know. He only had one try left. I don't think he's tried it yet.

Yeah, but you can't, you can't try it. You just can't. Because if you get it wrong, you just, you know that you're never going to get it. If you just can't remember it, but you still have a little tiny chance,

like what if in like a year or something, it pops in your head? You can't try it until you're 100% sure it's right. Yeah. Or just sell it on pay-per-view. I would You can't try it until you're 100% sure it's right. Yeah, or just sell it on pay-per-view. I would watch that guy try one more time. What if... Yeah, that's

true. But then if he gets it wrong, then it's a tough scene. Money well spent. Still a bunch of pay-per-view money there. You can at least get a million dollars probably. That's true. 50 bucks? 50 bucks to watch this guy try one more time. That's true. You can at least get like a million dollars probably. That's true. $50? $50 to watch this guy try one more time?

Yeah. I wouldn't even consider. I'd buy multiple. I'd have multiple streams. Just to help this guy out. Yeah. Okay. I'm in.

Does anyone have a dollar on them, by the way? I don't have any cash on me. I got to charge it. Okay. It is now Jacqueline's turn. Nah. We'll skip you. I don't know, baby. You already said you're number three, right?

Yeah, so I'm going in. I already said number three. Oh, so I'm going to four? Four. Juice World. Wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. Juice World. Okay.

Shout out to me for being a good guy. I did this on the dog walk draft yesterday. I was going to be a motherfucker and take Chiefs for Laguna Beach and the Hills. The rest is still in Natasha Bedingfield. And I let him have it. And I was going to be a motherfucker here once he said the rapist's name. I knew I could see that it's spinning

but I was like, he's not going to do it to me. I let you have your juice world. Yes. Very good one. Nick? Oh shit. Thought I had more time. There's another cartoon that I can't think of the name of. Fuck, I got to go. Pass on me right now.

Pass on you. Mike, look at you, ready to go. The dude from Catcher of the Rye. Never read it. You didn't have to read it in school? What fucking school did you go to? Never read it. Well, he's like a third-year-old kid, really depressed.

That's what the whole book is about. Oh, in that case, yeah, no. I'm going to steal that idea from, like, Boo Radley. Boo Radley is... To Kill a Mockingbird. Never read it. What the fuck school did you go to? You didn't do Flat Stanley.

You didn't read To Kill a Mockingbird? We read shit in, like, fucking Greek. Catcher of the Rye? I mean, wow. Okay. Okay. I am going to go with – am I going to give myself last or am I going to – see, I got – my thing here is I got three and I have myself. So I'm going to give my – I'm going to skip to five, myself number five. Yeah, you're on my maybe for five.

Okay, and then I am going to go I'm just going to go with these three and we can decide who I like. BoJack Horseman, obviously. Good one. Which, again, I still haven't fully seen. I very much like what I see. I love the clips I see. But I just can't really do adult

cartoons. I've never been able to do it. I might restart it tonight. Gretchen from You're the Worst, one of the – I haven't seen that yet. You're the Worst is a great show. They just put that on Netflix, right? They did? Yeah.

And I restarted tonight. Unbelievable show. John, there's a football game on tonight that you'll probably fall asleep during. I probably will. Yeah. Fine. I'll start it tomorrow. Because guess what? I don't even have to come to work tomorrow.

I'll think of it at 6.30 and just start that. And then my last one is Dr. House and Perry Cox. Now that's both. Perry Cox and Scrubs, Dr. House and House. There was a period of my life when I was...

God, I can't even remember what college I was at. But my entire personality was based on these two characters. I was just like an asshole, pill addict. No, I'm just kidding. I never really got into pills. But I think it was I was depressed and I was looking for something of inspiration. You think you were depressed and something to lean on yeah yeah people always ask like how do you go to seven

colleges uh mental depression you keep going i don't fit in here i don't fit in here i don't fit in here something's wrong with this school and then eventually you grow up and say nope something's wrong with me self-awareawareness is key, John. Yeah. But yeah, I would just watch House and Scrubs, House and Scrubs, House and Scrubs, and I was like, these guys are the best. And they were just mean, depressed people. And then I was like, this is why I sit alone in my room and have no friends, because I identify with them.

That made me really sad. That's why you did yourself afterwards? Huh? And that's why you did yourself at five? Because of those two characters or just in general? No, no, no, no. In general. Yeah, they gave me a community.

I got you. I got you. I had multiple, but I think the more I've thought about it, and I really— Is it your fourth or fifth? Fifth. Fifth. Juice WRLD was my fourth. Theon Greyjoy slash Reek from Game of Thrones.

That man lived the saddest life, and I'm gonna be honest, this is really fucked up. I think about him every time I see Tommy. Tommy Smokes? Yes. That's the meanest thing ever said on this podcast. Right there. That's the meanest thing ever said on this podcast. Are you gonna let me explain it? Nope.

Who's your number five? You're not to let me explain it? Nope Who's your number five? You're not going to let me explain it? No, no, no Alright Snape from Harry Potter Just because he was just moping over Lily the entire time Snape's a good one Snape's a good one

I don't know I don't know if he's depressed He's just mean But you know Harry Potter better than I do So I won't I was also When you said scrubs I was going to just say Ted because he has that fucking hilarious look.

Oh, Ted's a great one. Ted, why is there a gun and a smiley face button in your bag? He's like, well, one's for when I'm sad. The other's for when I'm really sad. Ted's a very good one. Ted's the best. Ted's, see, he died recently. Oh, that's right.

But Ted is a, Ted's a great, great pick. that's right yeah but Ted is a Ted's a great great pick Ted might be the steal of the draft Mike you got anything I'll go with Squidward from SpongeBob I've still never seen SpongeBob

I've seen all the memes obviously but I've never seen I've only seen the memes too I've never seen the show itself he always looks very sad in the memes he is a sad looking gentleman he's just pissed all the time.

Never smiled once. I mean, that's Dr. House Perry Cox. There's depression and then anger from it. Okay, good list. I realized that my list had two people who had their dicks chopped off and three guys who killed themselves. I don't know what that says about me. It says you hate men.

But if you would actually – I'm just kidding. If you would actually like to explain why you think – No, it's okay. We can just – Okay. Sure. Just the voicemails. Voicemails are brought to you by something that a lot of people on Casey's list don't need.

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I'm an Indians fan, should be an Indians fan. You can't get down with the name Then whatever you're a fucking loser too But the question is As an Indians fan I'm a huge Lindor fan He's now on the Mets So I'm rooting for the Indians Obviously we'll die with the Indians

But Why is it so fucking lame To root for another team Especially especially in the NL, to say, oh, look, I want the Mets to fucking be something, to do something different. It's been so long. The documentary on the Mets was great. Why can't I root for the Mets to fucking make the playoffs?

It doesn't seem like they're going to, and I'm moving vicariously through your tweets, but is it terrible to have another team that you root for against your favorite team, at least if they're in the other league? Let me know. This would probably be a different answer if Kevin was around or maybe Kevin's being a pretzel.

Kevin would definitely be in a blender for this one. Kevin's not here today, so you just have two Tom Brady fans Tough for you guy You're not a loser at all bro Go Francisco Lindor I quite literally have a shirt On sale at the Barstool Sports Store

That is a split Patriots Bucks jersey For Tom Brady When people ask me who my NFL team is Tom Brady I don't even know what to tell you, man. It's fucking, it's awesome having multiple teams. You're not a loser at all. It is very easy.

I find it so easy. I doubt week four. I don't know what's going to happen week four. I will admit that. That's tough for you. That's tough for you. Not as much me because I only liked the Patriots because of Tom Brady. Okay. Week four is going to be hard. I can be honest. Because week four – and I said this about last year when fucking Cam had one good game

against the Seahawks and we were like, hell yeah, we're still going to the Super Bowl. And I was like, I don't know what I'm going to feel until I walk into the Super Bowl. I don't – week four is not as important as that. But I – Like week four – It is. It is. Like week four, I as important as that. But I... Like week four, I... It is, it is... Like week four, I will be rooting for the Patriots, I think. I don't think so.

I think you think that because that's what you want to say outwardly, because that's your roots. You love Tom Brady so much. And I do not think that you would want to see a situation where even though it is week four, where it looks like Bill Belichick, like, I mean, I know Tom won the Super Bowl last year, so he's already proven. But like, I don't think that you want all the headlines situation where even though it is week four where it looks like bill belichick like i mean i know tom won the super bowl last year so he's already proven but like i don't think that you want all

the headlines and all that of being like oh like see bill knows how to beat tom no see i don't think i think because brady already won super bowl i don't think there's really anything for anyone to say anymore i don't but they will i mean i we but but that's like that's like local boston radio might but like no one will believe it like it's not john i tweeted last night about how he had 111 yards in the first quarter, and there were tons of people being like, yeah, against the fucking worst team in the league. Well, yeah, but that's... But people will do that. People want to be able to talk shit about him.

If he loses to the... I don't care about that. But, I mean, you don't think the media, you don't think everything is going to be like, oh, my God, Tom... I do. I think you are way underestimating... I know. I think maybe stupid shows that have toimating i know i think maybe stupid

shows like with that like have to drum the controversy will think that but i don't i don't think anyone with an actual brain will think that i don't know i don't think anyone who's like looking in the mirror and being serious with themselves will be like tom brady lost a week four game he actually sucks no i'm not saying it sucks but it is like it's always like is it belichick or is it brady i don't i do not think winning a week four game, anyone, again, with an actual brain, sure, you'll have your fucking Max Kellermans and your fucking Skip Baylesses or your Shannon Sharps, I forget which one of them pretend to hate Brady. But, like, I don't think anyone who is being honest.

And that's my barometer. It's not what, like, someone on a fucking talking head show says. Like, if you're being truthful with yourself, can you honestly say, like, oh, maybe he can't beat – It doesn't fucking matter. It's a week four game, and you've won seven Super Bowls. I still don't think that you're going to ever be able to root against Tom Brady. You love Tom Brady. No.

This episode started with me being like, maybe a little too many commercials. Maybe that's what I focus on. I focus on something where I'm like, you know what? That's kind of pissing me off a bit. So I say, beat that commercial guy. I don't want the embarrassment of that, but I do believe that I would like to see, again, I don't know, but I think I'm going to be rooting for Mac Jones, because that motherfucker ran 25 yards to drill Damian Harris into the end zone on a big boy run.

Mac Jones is, now people are, Kevin was complaining yesterday that he doesn't throw the ball deep enough, which I don't think it's crazy to maybe have a rookie in his second week. Maybe just have – get him some confidence. Also, he is leading rookies in yards per attempt. Just throwing that one out there. Yeah, no, he's pretty good. He is at 6.7 yards per attempt. Maybe it's 6.8.

Next is Trevor Lawrence, I think, at 6.7. I don't know how that could possibly be true because they stink. Well, maybe it's Zach Wilson then. But whatever. He stinks too. It's Mac Jones' number one. It was a weird criticism that Mac Jones got. He's not throwing the ball deep enough.

Yeah, no. I love Mac Jones. I loved Mac Jones when he was at Alabama. I think it's a really good fit. But I think that you know when people are like, well, you don't know what you would do until you're in that situation. We're not going to know how you feel until week four. But I know for me, because I grew up as, you know, in Dallas, like as a Cowboys fan, but

I was way more, I mean, again, college football is my thing. Like I knew that I cared way more about Tom Brady when the Patriots played the Cowboys a couple of seasons ago. And I couldn't give less of a fuck about the Cowboys. I was like, nope, here it is. This is how I know. I've sold out. I've sold out of my hometown team.

So we're going to see what happens with you. Oh, just so we're clear here. Rookie defensive, rookie quarterbacks. Yards per attempt this season. Mac Jones, 6.8. Zach Wilson, 6.7. Trevor Lawrence, 5.4. Zach Wilson, 6.7. Trevor Lawrence, 5.4. Justin Fields, 4.7.

So, he is leading the rookies in yards per attempt. No, yeah, he's not airing the ball out. I think as he gets more comfortable with the offense, he will start to have a little more confidence in leg room when we're throwing the ball. But I have no problem with a rookie quarterback completing like 78% of his passes. I would agree with that. I also would not. That list

is... I completely made that number up. No, it's pretty high. It's pretty high. It's high 60s at least. That list is not that impressive though because first of all, Justin Fields has only played like, what, half a game now? And Trevor Lawrence and

Zach Wilson both look like they... It's comparatively to all the other rookies. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying they're bad. Everyone else selected in the first round, less yards per attempt. For some reason, because he's being successful, he's the one getting shit when he's not throwing the deep ball. Well, I mean, Kevin's also.

It wasn't just Kevin. There's a reason that stat was tweeted this morning because a lot of people are making the complaint. Yeah, but back to the voicemail dude, root for whoever you want. The only time i don't do that is is in college but it's because i went to a&m so it's like i will always refrain i've been in the pros guys leave all the time refer who you want yo ksc it's nick jackie everybody else there uh so yesterday a co-worker of mine and not that we were basically talking about uh that's kind of fucked up that people get uh

tattoos of serial killers you know as you as you do at work before and uh he said that's probably the worst thing you can get a tattoo of but i disagreed and said the worst thing you can get a tattoo of is just like a detailed penis and uh so though would you rather for you guys uh breathing is right would you rather get a tattoo of a serial killer or of a just a detailed penis nice guys that's easy for me why because you like serial killers no it's not even that it's just like you can you can at least have like some form of like is that really ted Ted Bundy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like is that really a serial killer? You know what a detailed penis looks like.

What if it's like a – I mean that's just a fact. Okay. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here because, yeah, you could also just be like, yeah, this dude killed awesomely. No, I wouldn't. I would just – I would tell people it's just like my family member that just looks like Ted Bundy. But like you could also just say he's like a fucking dude. See, I don't get off that shit.

Okay, what about this? What if you got a fucking serial killer tattoo, and then on the rest of your arm, you got like fucking Brady, Michael Jordan, George Washington, and like a bunch of people like that. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. I see where you're going with this. Prince, maybe.

Machine Gun Kelly. You're just like, I just get the goats, man. I knew that's where you were going and it was going to be beautiful. I'm appreciative of talent. And these motherfuckers are just the best at what they do. Yeah, no. I think that that is a way better option than just a hard dick on you. Yeah.

And he also said he made sure to say detailed. Yeah. And the only thing I can see in my head right now is the big, what is he saying? Super bad? Big triumphant veiny bastard. Yeah. I was thinking maybe like if you put the head is what throws you off. Cause like right there, you'd be like, that's a Snickers bar.

No, you can't. Why? That doesn't look like a Snickers bar. If you fucking had it done like a Snickers bar, it would. But it wouldn't because it's a dick. But there's no balls or head on this. But that's not a dick, John. I know.

That's why I said the head throws you off. So, okay. How about this it's a spaceship it's it's it's uh it doesn't matter there's no there's no one that would look at that and be like that's Bezos's rocket they're like that's a dick and then they'd be like and if it's not a dick it's the worst drawing of a rocket I've ever seen like you would rather have the plausible deniability that the person is not a serial killer it doesn't matter I mean that is it's a hat from Lost Island and that's the elevator shaft going down.

I mean, you wouldn't have those lines, though. That's not what happens on a real dick. It's a dick. I don't know. I mean, yeah, it's a hard one to beat. All right, fine. If you were going to get a serial killer, who would you get?

Jigsaw. But he's not real. That's a movie character But he was a serial killer I mean Not Yeah You're right

In a fantasy land He's a serial killer I guess if you're gonna get Also But I guess the argument is He's not a serial killer He's never killed anybody That's right

He just makes them kill themselves I mean I guess I would have to go With Ted Bundy Just cause I think he's probably The best looking one He's not that good looking No but of all It's infuriating

He's not that hot No but of all serial killers I think he is the best looking one I don't think he's that hot best looking one. He's not that good looking. No, but of all... It's infuriating he's not that hot. No, but of all serial killers, I think he is the best looking one. I don't think he's that hot either. Fucking chicks. God damn. I do think that if you were going to put... You don't want some gross...

The only reason people think Ted Bundy's hot is because people said he was hot, so they just started hiring hot actors to play Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy wasn't that good looking. Who's a hotter serial killer then? Boy. There isn't one.

Young Stalin. Young Stalin. Yeah. Good answer, Nick Hamill. Wow. Real good answer. Wow. Now I'm going to pull this up.

I know what he looks like, but I just want to get a good look at him. I know it's because we did it on Barstool Confessions. We were talking about him. Yeah, no, he's better looking than Ted Bundy for sure. Oh, this one with the hair? Sheesh! One and a half million dollars, I'd suck that dick. But I do think that Stalin, like, I mean, he obviously was a bad dude.

But, like, I think he was less of a bad dude than, I mean, he was more of a bad dude than Ted Bundy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, like, even, like like I just typed in famous, and the fucking autofill was famous serial killers. This country is going to hell in a handbasket, and it's being driven by fucking white women. I will say, though.

All you fucking white ladies be fucking fingering yourselves to murder podcasts and murder books and murder TV shows and murder movies. You're ruining the fucking the moral fiber of this country. You're tearing it apart, white ladies. No, no, no. I'll make the opposite argument. I don't want to get into it because there's a lot of details, but without those crazy white people that you just talked about, we would not know where the missing girl was right now

because people get so obsessed with it, they found them because of YouTube. That didn't just start now. They've been obsessed with fucking murderers and pet bunnies. That's what I'm saying. I know, but that's like, people get found from that shit.

All right, fine. How about this white lady who's about to kill a black missing girl one time for me? I have nothing to say. I agree with you, but I'd rather just stay off the record on that one. All right, fine. Also, but yeah, you guys are all just fucking it up.

Oh, you know what would be a good one if we could do fictional? I'm just looking at... The fictional one. And you know what? Speaking of fucking white ladies, you're probably like, who's the hottest serial killer? good one if you can fictional the fictional one uh and you know what speaking of fucking white ladies you're probably like who's the hottest

serial killer edward kemper because he's tall sure he fucked his sure he fucked his mom's severed head but guess what he's over six feet swipe right left or

right right right right yeah swipe right i'd swipe right on edmund Kemper. He's fucked his fucking... He likes a good face. You have gone off the rails. Ah, man, I know.

Final answer, I'd get Pin Badgley from you. Huh? Pin Badgley from you. That's fucking... He's a serial killer? We started with not allowing Jigsaw, and we went to a more recent, more attractive serial killer who was fake.

Yeah, that's what I would do. How did you get from Jigsaw, not allowed, okay, fine, Ted Bundy, actually correction, the fucking guy from you. What was that brain walkthrough? Take me through the process of that. Okay, I'll take you through the process. So you were talking about how girls finger themselves to murder podcasts and shit. I don't listen to murder podcasts. I'm not into the whole thing.

But I do love the show You. And I think it's fucked up that I think he's so hot as bad of a guy he was. So that's how I landed on it. I've never listened to a murder podcast. Despite the earlier correction where that'd be real. Yeah, no, I just wanted to say it. Okay. I don't get turned on

by all the murder stuff like a lot of girls do, white women particularly, but I do get turned on by Penn Badgley in you despite the fact he is a serial killer. Jack, did you listen to murder shit? There was a period where I did, but... The thing with the fucking murder shit that I don't get from you chicks

is that it's always chicks being murdered. I agree with you. I don't understand the... Like, if it was men being murdered, I actually might get it. I'd be like, all right. You guys, like, yeah, fuck men. Men are trash. They're all dead.

But, like, it's you guys. It's just instilling fear in you guys. Yes, but you know it's happening. But I mean there's a reason that crime thrillers and murder mysteries and all that have always been popular, fictional or not. So then you add the true crime element. So it does make sense why people are fascinated by it. Yeah, I understand the fascination, but I just don't understand – I don't think people think it's weird when it's just very weird.

That people like it? That people like the idea of people who are like them. Because, again, it's just women your ages. And it's like you like the idea of people like them going missing and being killed. No, it's the fascination with it. It's not that they like it. Girls aren't fingering themselves because a girl got murdered. Oh, I think there are.

You think they think. I think there's a significant amount of women who are like, I can't wait for this new podcast. Yeah, but not because they're happy that someone got murdered. I think there's a, they're going, they're finding silver linings. Let's call it that. I don't think so. I feel like it's like you watch Mindhunter. Yeah.

It's the same thing. Yeah, but I'm not dying. You guys are dying. No, but, but. I see what you mean, Jackie, but I also am like – it's not like when you say – obviously, we're being dramatic. Girls are fingering themselves to it, but it's not like they're like,

oh my god, I can't wait to watch a white blonde girl get killed because she looks like me. It's more of like the fascination of the story and everything is what people get attracted to. How about this? If you're not watching it, you could make the argument to me if you're like, I'm watching to find out

how to combat serial killers. I'm watching almost like a team study in game film. There is an element of that for sure. There is not an element. That's not why you guys are watching this shit. Don't meet a stranger on the fucking internet in a park by yourself. Yeah, no, that's the game plan. You didn't have to watch 20 podcasts to learn that?

No, it's the... I heard don't talk to strangers when I was fucking five. Yes, and that... Don't talk to strangers. And I'm stuck with it. Yeah, don't talk to strangers and don't get in a stranger's car. And now you quite literally get in a stranger's car every single day using Uber that you met on the internet. Yeah, but I say please don't rape me.

Yeah, so I don't think that people watch it because they look like us. I think people want to figure out what happened. Yeah, but it's just it can't be good for your mental capacity. You're going to start telling people what's good for their mental capacity? Yeah, I am. And I'll tell you what's good for your mental capacity my sad boys and sad girls that's getting a pair of sad boy sneakers from nothing new

it's called retail therapy but it's also acknowledging the issues and we're all in this together okay this is a shoe that I have worked on for a year it is a sick shoe it's cool, it's sleek it's necessary it does not

clash with a single outfit out there there's not one outfit you can't wear this shoe with you could wear it to a wedding if you wanted to you might look like a bit of an asshole if we're being totally honest but you can wear it anywhere it's got got the phrase. It's just a definitively cool shoe. It is a shoe that Allison, one of our merch people, has told me that she has already fielded over 30 emails from Barcelona employees asking if they can have a pair. Really? The answer is no, motherfuckers.

Be ready at 10 a.m. on Tuesday for the drop. You don't get a free pair? I only got one pair. They're not giving me any more free pairs. Did they give Kevin a free pair? Nope. Okay. on Tuesday for the drop. You don't get a free pair? I only got one pair. They're not giving me any more free pairs. Did they give Kevin a free pair? Nope. Okay, then I'll accept it. Just one pair for me.

That's it. That's crazy. It is nuts, if we're being totally honest. That is crazy. I am buying them for my siblings. I could only get the one pair. But they're unbelievable because they look great, obviously. They're comfortable.

I know that because I fucking designed them, and I've been wearing them for two weeks now. They're also, how about this? You want to put a smile on a sad boy's face? They're also great for the planet. Oh. You would never know by looking at them or wearing them, but they're made of nothing new. That's where the name comes from. That makes sense. That's where the name comes from. It is 100% recycled material, highest grade possible.

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The Sad Boy design is not sad. We were feeling happy about saving the planet. Check out the Sad Boy and Nothing New sneaker and the full collection at nothingnew.com. That's N-O-T-H-I-n-g-n-e-w dot com. They're also

available to purchase at the store, the Barstool store, store.barstoolsports.com. Check both those out. Get the sneakers. Honestly, depending on what time of day you're listening to this, they might be sold out. I hope they're sold out, but if you're in the morning, get them now. Last voicemail.

Giddy up! I was going to try to wedge in there, by the way. Would you rather have the serial killer tattoo or have a serial killer tattoo you on them and maybe it says Gig'Em on the forehead and I already have that. No, it's on my desktop still.

I already have that, Nick. Hey, it's Nick, Jackie. What's going on? I have a question for you. Kind of, it's sort of asking advice slash, it's almost an am I the asshole. So I work on a cargo ship and I usually only come back stateside now maybe two, three times a year. So the times that I'm back, I want to maximize my time. I want to see all the homies and everything like that. I got to spend time with them and my family.

So it's usually a full trip. So myself and two of my other friends, we've been friends since high school, we decided to go out on the town. We're going to go do some hardcore drinking, do some heavy alcohol consumption. The first bar that we go to, my friend ditches us for some smoke show. And, I mean, to his credit, she was very attractive. He sealed the deal. He went home with her.

I think they left, like, after an hour. We let it happen because we didn't want to cock-block him. But at the same time, it's like, bro, this is one of the only times I'm going to see you this year. And you went and spent the night with some random and i mean the other my other friend and i had a great time but still that's kind of like when's the what's sort of like the code in this situation i mean you know we're not gonna stop you but it's like come on man we want to spend some time with you i don't know let you think. You people are the fucking worst. I'm just going to let you go because I want to see where you go with this.

I wasn't even totally listening to that voicemail. But I think what I heard was he's seeing his buddy for the first time in a year. The first time. The only time they'll see each other this year. Only time they'll see each other this year. And he's mad because he fucking hung out with a girl. He's mad that they went to a bar and they were supposed to have like a whole night of hanging out and drinking. And within an hour, he left to go home with a hot girl.

Who cares, bro? That's crazy. That's crazy. I feel like everyone has one of these friends in their friend group where it's like, come on, dude. We're supposed to be hanging out with us tonight. It's like, bro, we're fucking best friends. I'll see you next year. Who cares? Well, yeah, but I mean. I'll see you next year. Who cares?

Well, yeah, but I mean, because I agree with you. I don't care. But there is the element of like, okay, if you are planning a trip with your best friends and you're like, okay, this is what we're going to do. It's not planning a trip. No, I think they did plan a trip. Right? Did I hear that right?

They planned a trip for a night? Oh, yeah. I guess that's a good point. I don't give a fuck. I don't care what you do, but I can see why people would be like, well, I mean, if they didn't plan a trip, this guy is, I mean, that's crazy. But if it was a trip, it might be different. I think he said they just hung out around the sound,

right? Like, in Long Island or something? Oh, well, then, yeah. That guy's a fucking asshole. Dude, I think everyone has, like, one of these friends. Like, I had a buddy who, like, got mad at me because I went to see him, and, like, I wasn't nice enough. I didn't, like, talk to his friends enough. And I was like, I don everyone has one of these friends. I had a buddy who got mad at me because I went to see him and I wasn't nice enough. I didn't talk to his friends enough. And I was like, I don't know, man.

I was at bars talking to people. It's a weird thing. There's always one guy who's trying to keep everyone together. It's like, yeah, bro, you're my best friend. But I don't know, tonight I'm going to go fuck this girl. Or yeah, you're my best friend. Or tonight I'm going to hang out with my other friend who's also here he's gonna get more of my attention tonight it's like yeah there is it's it gets weird particularly

with guys like obviously with like relationships and seeing if the others guys get jealous and girls get jealous about both sides but like when you're with just your friend and he's like dude like i'm so jealous you spent time with that girl tonight like i don't know man we've known each other since fucking elementary school what tonight was gonna be so different and so passionate and so special that like i couldn't hang out for an hour and then go fuck this girl what is what is i agree i mean and and it's not just guys who do that girls do that too like i've noticed it on like bachelorette parties like if a girl like disappear like i was in new orleans and like a girl we went out to brunch we went to bourbon and then like one of our friends went to fuck a dude and like half the girls were pissed and i was like what do you care like you're still here drinking having a good time like go let

her have a good time too but girls do the same thing they get mad like i cannot believe she left us it's like you probably like what if fucking brad pitt walked up to you you're leaving too so like who cares your friend fuck by Brad Pitt? Well, no, but... I don't think so. Just wanted to make you say it. No. But the guy said on here that she was a total smokeshore. Like, he was admitting how hot she was.

It's like, well, if you were in that position, you would have probably fucked her too. Yes. She just didn't choose you. She chose your friend. The people who get, like, jealous and defensive and all that kind of stuff Are just

Bizarre Now the only The only argument That I would make Other than the trip thing I thought he said trip So that's out the window Is that if it was

Just the two of them Then that would be shitty Yeah yeah yeah For sure But if you're like You have your other friends There's at least another guy Yeah then yeah

Then who cares Who cares Yeah if it was just the two of us I'm splitting That's weird Yes But the The idea that like you can't...

What were we going to talk about, man? It's just, who cares? Plan another night. If it sounds like they live close to each other, they can hang out whenever. I'm sure there's something about bringing them to see each other for a year, but I see my best friends three times a year.

It's not that much more than once a year. And if I disappear... What am I, chopped liver? 99% of them... You're like second tier. It's just not true. You're like my New York best friend. Which is like...

Put me on the sad boy list. Put me on the top five sad boy list. But no, what I said earlier when I was just wanting to make you say it, one of my favorite stories. My friend, his parents were divorced. And the dad got a new car. And he drove it over to pick up his friend, to pick up his son, my friend.

And mom came out on the porch and goes, oh, new car? And he's like, yeah, this guy. She goes, what's that, a on the porch and goes, oh, new car? And he's like, yeah, this guy. She goes, what's that, a Camry? He goes, no, a Corolla. She goes, yeah, I know. She just wanted him to say it out loud that it was the lesser version. So petty. I love it. Yeah, no, I know.

Very good. It's like the meanest thing. It's mean yeah no i i smoke a cigarette no i know all right that's it ksc radio episode is over kevin will be back on thursday i believe um yeah probably maybe maybe not i don't know. See you later. See you later. See you later. Stop. We're not doing this again.

All right. Stop. No, stop. You got to do it right. See you. No, that wasn't. All right. So we will see you later.

No, that wasn't right. So later. No, not later. We will see you. That wouldn't make any sense. So we will see you later. No, that wasn't right. So later. No, not later we will see you. That wouldn't make any sense. So we will see you later. Can't do it. I'm trying to fucking do the exit. We will see you later.

Is that one good? One more. Austin LeVeist a bit. No, I was trying too hard. I noticed something. Who kept this pen? This is like a... Casey. So that's it for KFC Radio.

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