KFC Radio - Whiskey & Cough Syrup Is Not A Personality, Bob Saget, and Adam Pally

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

KFC and Feits defend men against being called babies for being sick. Feits decided to go to the doctor for the first time in a decade since his current health regiment hasn't been working. KFC has had it with people saying "xyz is not a personality" on twitter. The Yankees cheated. Voicemails include: Birthday Breakup, Beating diseases, and more. Bob Saget (00:52:44) joins the show once again to talk about his new stand up tour, his favorite comedians, and much more. Adam Pally (01:18:55) joins the show again to rate our new office, tell us about his experience on The Mandalorian, and more. SUBSCRIBE, RATE, AND REVIEW.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by Roman. Get your dick hard, get your hair long. And last long in bed. Full head of hair, full fucking head of steam in your dick, last seven to nine minutes. That's the goal. That's the goal that's the goal baby i don't even think of that full head of steam like i want to get one subway stop

we're gonna we're on the fucking we're on the local man we are not on the express fucking 28 to 33rd i'm good it's crazy that there's a stop that is fucking there's nothing dude uh it's. That is fucking... That's nothing, dude. It's funny how much... That only serves to make me feel better about my sex life. You know how time can mean two different things? A minute on the clock in sports can be like, oh shit, we got plenty of time.

And a minute in the bedroom is fucking as quick as sports can be like, oh shit, we got plenty of time. And a minute in the bedroom is fucking, you know, as quick as it can be. I mean, when you're counting sex seconds, it's like dog years, you know what I mean? It's like, how long's it been? It's been 40 seconds. Like, come on! I've been putting a hurtin' on this one.

No, I've been doing a good job. It's been under a minute, dude. It's like, shit. There was one time, Bruins, I think it was a Bruins-Capitals game, probably in like 90, maybe early 2000s, 2001, something like that. And it was Glenn Murray got the puck with like 17 seconds left in the Bruins zone and went down the ice and scored.

And it was like when the post game was asked, were you worried about time? He was like, no, I looked up, saw I had 17 seconds left, and I had plenty of time. A lifetime, yeah, right, right. It's all depending on how your frame of reference. The exact opposite of that. Yes, right. It's like, oh, man, I've been doing such a great job. She's like, she is wildly unsatisfied, dude.

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Could eventually be 20 minutes if you're an overachiever. And you're not even going to realize you didn't use the swipe. Right? I mean, I could watch a whole goddamn sitcom. I mean, a whole episode of TV for some shows. Think about how much work goes into an episode of Sonny. That's 21 minutes. Imagine if you could fuck that long.

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He's a boss. And I got Feidelberg on the show here next to me for the next four or five minutes before he fucking dies. I'm convinced you have coronavirus. I don't have coronavirus because coronavirus is like fever and stuff. I don't really have that much. I'm actually less sore today than I was yesterday. I just can swallow less than I could swallow yesterday. I had a huge argument with Casey on the radio about this.

I can't stand how girls – it's become like a running thing with girls. Like an internet joke and a thing that they all lean on. A crutch if you will. All girls say how guys are such babies when they're sick. Oh yeah, that's bullshit. It's bullshit. And I broke it down for that dumb bitch Casey.

Listen, you take care of yourself. You work out. You drink water. You take vitamins and eat right. Your body's good. So when you have a cold, your body dips from like here to here. When I have a cold, my body dips from here to like here. It's the same common cold, but my immune system sucks. My bones and muscles are shitty and they ache.

I don't have the bounce back. Everything about you is healthier. So we have the same cold, but your body can handle it much better. Mine, I'm a bag of shit. So if you want to tell me, don't tell me that I'm being dramatic and that I don't feel worse than you do because I do. If you say to me, well, it's because you're a bag of shit 364 days a year, and now today you're suffering the consequences. Fine. Guilty as charged.

But don't tell me we're experiencing the same thing because you are much better off than I am and girls in general. Like guys are bags of shit. Girls take care of themselves. So the colds are going to hit different. That shit slaps different. I feel like that makes sense. But I've also been known to say that I never really get sick because I'm always just sick. But in my defense, I say that when I'm healthy.

So when I really get sick, then I get dramatic as a bitch. Well, I also said this. You know what? There probably is some truth to it. But you guys are complaining always. So let us complain for one fucking week, a year. We've let you have for years now, decades, centuries, in fact, that migraines are a thing. I've been hearing about every headache you've ever had. Forever.

I've never had a migraine. I just happen to not be able to swallow today. Okay? So I want to be like, I want to make a base. So you'll see him do it. If you're watching on Barstool Gold, go to barstoolgold.com slash KFC. If you're watching on Gold, you'll see John do this about a thousand times today it's it's bad in in fact you know what when i got in the shower today i was like did you just let the hot water hit that back

no no i was like looking in the mirror it's like shit you look like you've lost weight because i i haven't eaten in like three days i know it looks unhealthy weight though like i looked i looked i looked gross skinny gaunt i was like yeah i was like oh yeah it's just sagging a little bit yeah you get that extra skin. Yeah, I'd rather have, because I really have not, I don't think I've had a full meal in three days. Well, and then if you really date back to the pants pooping and all that shit, it's been a rough go for you, like, intake-wise for about like a month now. Yeah, yeah, the exchange has not been right. It's been a lot of fumbles on the handoff there. But yeah, like if I have to hear about your headaches and like your nervous stomach aches

and like your anxiety because of work and all that shit. And your periods. Oh. You fucking. Even Casey stood up on that one. You've meant to say something. Like, you know what's going to happen every fucking month. I'm also sick of it basically lasting up until it's going to restart.

It's like you got the week, the pre, the week before, and then the week during, and then it's like, oh, this one's heavy or whatever. It's lasting a little longer. It's been three weeks. I have like four days before we got to do this again. What the fuck? And it's going to happen forever. So stop.

It is. I don't complain about my back every single day. It's broken. It's always going to be broken. Well, again, I feel like I complain about things every single day. Well, and you know what she said, too? Casey said, well, you guys are – What I do with a tinge of humor.

She said, you guys are always making noises. Oh, yeah, that is. And I was like, okay, well, yeah. I mean, every time John gets up, it's like sounds from Street Fighter II. He's up. Yep. Very accurate. Yeah. So there's some truth to this i mean it's really what i'm getting at is it feels like you're yelling at me but you're just

doing it to casey instead no no i got your back on this one when we're sick like it's it's a couple times a year now she did bring up the example. Jared, have you considered Jared to be ill recently? No. He said that he's been sick since October. I'm like, you look and sound perfectly fine. What is it? I don't know. He's just like, I've been sick.

I'm like, uh. Well, that's like me being healthy and saying I'm always sick. And then I get sick. I'm like, well, I don't think I'm always sick. Right. Well, you know, it's hurt or injured it's like yeah health I'm not healthy right I'm never healthy but I'm not always sick sometimes I'm not healthy and sick and then that's why I go I fucking complain but yeah Jared running around saying he's been sick for like months on end it's like uh I don't know about that one I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna defy

what yeah what that no you don't you know you don't stick for months one I'm not going to say I'm not going to let that fly Yeah what That No you don't You don't stick for Montana Not if no one's had Even a suspicion That you might be on Montana In case Have you missed work Have you

I mean you're traveling You're going to things One time Because she's a girl And she has a thermometer I mean What do you mean Girls have thermometers

Like a temperature taker Like a temperature taker Yeah So like Like one you put in, yeah. So like... Like one you put in your mouth? Yeah. So she...

She has something you stick in your mouth to check your temperature. Yeah, isn't that ridiculous? Girls have that. It's so... Because girls, when they get sick, they'll be like, let me take my temperature. And it's like, for fucking what? Yeah. And that's another one of my...

I don't need to touch you. Go ahead, take it. Okay. Oh, you have a cold hand. I was going to say. Yeah, well, that's the thing to me. It's like, I don't know. It kind of feels like warm skin yeah i don't know about 97 i guess if you're like you know burning i can feel it but you if you expect me to distinguish between like 99 and 101 by

touching you what am i a fucking native american i put my ear to the ground and hear the fucking stampede coming i'm gonna know your sundial or some shit. I don't fucking know. So, yeah, girls will put the temperature in just so they can – because, you know, this ties back to the last episode about the snooping. Girls just – their insatiable need to know. It's like they need to know if it's 101.5 or 101.1. They have to know. It's like girls when they work out and they weigh themselves.

Yes. I've never weighed myself ever When I'm on exercising kicks, when I'm not exercising kicks All I care about is what I see in the mirror I don't need to know I've lost this much Or I've put on this much I look better, done That's it, girls need to know the specifics

But it was funny in the case Like Jared was complaining and she was like, oh yeah? Pow, and he was like, 98-9 You're totally fucking fine man but uh yeah i'm sick of girls i'm sick of girls playing that card and and it's like uh how about you just stop being a dick to me when i'm sick for a week like i mean just fucking let me have this yeah i listen to you all the time rub my back scratch my head fucking give me a little bit of sympathy and fucking leave me alone you? I don't even need sympathy. I love sympathy. Sympathy is the best.

Sympathy is currency, dude. It's like, you say I don't need it, but I do need it, but I don't need it. I'm trying to think how I'm trying to explain this. It's like, I want you to feel bad. You don't have to express it to me. I just want to know that in the back of your mind, you're like the poor thing. That's some female shit, though. It's like, I just want to know that you feel it.

Yeah. I want you to just. I want something out of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring me a soup. Bring me a soup. Yeah. Give me a soup right now.

Right. Wouldn't you love a girl to bring it to you instead of saying, stop being a fucking little baby? Yeah. It's like, you're a baby always. You're a girl. You're a baby. You cry all the time. You're a baby. It's a baby. You cry all the time.

You're a baby. I have the chills and the aches. That's the other thing. You're weaker than me and you cry a lot. You're a baby. You're a baby. You're smaller. You cry.

You complain. You have soft skin. You're a baby. If you ask me, I'll tell you. I feel like shit. Like, I don't know. I feel like shit. Oh, men are such babies. What, do you want me to just lie to you and make me feel great?

No, I feel like shit right now. Fuck off, girls. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, man. Clearly a fucking trigger of mine here. No, I think it's a fair trigger. I think it's a fair trigger. But I'm going to stop being a baby and I'm going to go to the doctor.

For the first, this is going to be the... Gay! Going to the doctor is so gay. This is going to be the first time I've been to a doctor in probably eight years. And also, I'm going to a minute clinic. So, like... Yeah. And also, I've been tested for STDs. It's going to be you and, like, a bunch of 20-somethings getting STD tests.

Yeah. So, I mean... So, I guess I'm not really going to the doctor. But I'm going to get medicine. I need medicine. I need to be able to swallow. Like a... You think you have a... So, that I need to be able to swallow. Like a, like a, you think you have a,

so that means you have a, something that, like a bacteria. That means you have something that an antibiotic can fix. I would think so. I hope so.

I think I need like a Z-Pak. I just, I mean, I just can't swallow it. I'm not that achy. What are you doing? I was gonna, you know, it looks a little like pink. You know, it's like,

if I saw like white fucking like sores, I'd be like, all right, you're sick. But that, I don't know, it looks like the same color as your tongue. Yeah. Or, like, when your punching bag is, like, touching, you know, and, like, the six soles. You're fine, bro. I am fine. I just need to be able to swallow.

I need to be able to eat. I'm hungry. That's really what it's about. I've been hungry since Sunday. I'm not worried about my health. I'm just hungry. It's Wednesday. I've been hungry since Sunday. I'm not worried about my health. I'm just hungry. It's Wednesday. I've been hungry since Sunday.

I need to eat. But, like, you know, I mean, even if you get something, like, it's probably going to be a couple more days before you eat because, like, that's not going to go away like that. I don't eat soups. There's a Panera right next to the clinic. I'm bringing a chicken noodle soup into the clinic. That'd be disgusting. I'm sick!

I'm a male! Last night I was so hungry that I was straight up poisoning myself. And, like, I honestly think I came close to killing myself. Well, as of yesterday afternoon, you were like, I drank the majority of that bottle of cough syrup. And I was like, I don't know if you're supposed to do that. Right, so I ended up finishing it last night. So you had a bottle of cough syrup? Yeah.

In a day? Yeah, and last night I was mixing it with whiskey. Not mixing it with whiskey. I just don't know why my body doesn't feel good. I wasn was mixing it with whiskey. Not mixing it with whiskey. Just don't know why my body doesn't feel good. I wasn't mixing it with whiskey. You drank it after. I was taking a sip of it and then a sip of whiskey.

Oh, that's mixing it. I thought you were going to be like, it was in my belly. I feel like I wasn't making a cocktail out of it. You didn't stir it up. No, it would be like sip, sip. You made a cocktail in your belly. Yeah. And then I would, this is crazy. This isn't Charlie Kelly shit.

We're like, it worked. And I did would, I would, I would, this is crazy. This isn't Charlie Kelly shit. Really? It worked. And I did it like three separate times last night, but it would sip of that sip of whiskey. Uh, eat a candy. Cough drop in your mouth. Yeah. I passed out immediately. Three times. Three times.

Right. And we'd pass that. Wake up. Do it again. Wake up. Every time I woke up, it was like, I was Jon Snow. Every, every single time i woke up i woke up like that a few of those recently where i was really yeah okay i still had a cough up in my

mouth you were probably choking to death you probably were not getting any oxygen so you actually were i've had a few of those so now i know what you mean about you i thought you almost died because i've had a couple and i think they're actually just like bad dreams when you stir awake but i'm definitely extremely short of breath like my body did not have oxygen in it and i was like yeah i think i i think i like halfway died right there yeah like it was like oh that was a close one yeah anyway another swing i i fell asleep at like 6 p.m last night oh jesus doing that woke up again it's not it's not falling asleep when you're poisoning your body with multiple toxins. It's crazy.

I would go immediately. If you're ever meeting early in the morning or something, you need to get to bed, big fucking gulp. Half a bottle of cough syrup. Just robo-trip. You'll be fine. Fucking nice, quick pull of whiskey. Not a ton.

Just a little bit. Pop it out. Pop a Hall's in your mouth. See you later. I swear to God, you pass out immediately. I don't know what it is. whiskey not a ton just a little bit popping out papa a halls in your mouth see you later i swear to god you pass out immediately like i don't know what it is i mean i know what it is it's the fucking depressants you're putting in your body it's three like three times i did last night i did it 6 p.m i did it 8 30 and i did it again like do you ever just regularly do nyquil no

because i i do nyquil i did the last time i did nyquil i slept until like 3 p.m yeah well that's i mean if you ever if you really need sleep. Yeah, I wake up in a pool of sweat. Yeah. I do not like NyQuil. Well, you know, scale it down. Maybe do like a quarter of a cuppa. No, like I just do a little sip.

Yeah. And then even that. I mean, it works, though. No, I don't do NyQuil. And I always – I got weird dreams and shit. Like you see me later. I come from a high horse. I don't do NyQuil.

I just do Walgreens brand flu medicine. Your speedball that you just did. And bullet. And a Halls. I think Clem does this. Just explain your fucking speedball that you just did. And bullet and a halls. I think Clem does this. Actually, it's pretty much a dad thing. I feel like when you can finally get some sleep and you know you got to get it, you do a little NyQuil, and Clem and my buddy Greg both, like, fight it.

You know, it's like the rush is coming over you. Like, you're going to sleep, and they're trying to just, like, hold back. And it's like you get a little loopy. You get a little weird. Yeah, that, you're going to sleep. And they're trying to just, like, hold back. And it's like. You get a little loopy. You get a little weird. Yeah, that's what Tiger used to do. Yeah. Tiger was ambient.

Right. Tiger would fight through the sleep, falling asleep with the ambient. Right. Yeah, buddy. All right. We got another. I got another thing that's been bothering me. It's brought to you by Postmates.

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That's Postmates, promo code KFC. Another thing I got to – we were just arguing or talking about the internet trope of XYZ is not a personality. People need to know that saying XYZ is not a personality is not a personality. Yeah. It's become such a crush. Like everything that just comes around. Yeah. It's just, you know, at one point it probably really, really did make sense.

And probably political. You know what I mean? Like, you know, being Republican is not a personality. Being liberal is not a personality. Because that, you know, I really do feel like people who get into politics, like, it just consumes their entire being. They can't talk about anything else. But, I mean, they just say it about everything now. If you criticize anything that someone doesn't like,

well, hating on this is not a personality. It's just like, no, we just have a differing opinion. I don't stake my entire... I'm definitely part of my personality. Well, yeah, sure. Yes, my opinions are part of my personality. That's a fact. You put up all the things I think,

that makes my personality. Right, yeah. I mean, it's not entirely the personality, and I'm not sitting here claiming that this one thing I'm saying represents my entire being. I don't know why you are. I don't like the Yankees. I think they're being assholes. That's not a fucking person.

Yeah, I think I got that today. Or, you know, it's the same thing as schtick. It's basically a long way to say, like, I don't like your schtick, you know? And it's like, these are just opinions that you don't agree with. I'm not trolling. It's not a shtick. It's not a whole personality thing. It's just something I say that you don't agree with. Because you're talking about the Yankees, right?

I mean, they will shut the fuck up. It's getting to be a lot more. And everyone's saying, oh, I wasn't aware they're the only ones talking. Yeah, other people are talking. And I'm sure I'm a little more aware of it because I'm in New York. But the Yankees have been talking way more than anybody. I know when Cody Bellinger spoke out. I know when Mike Trout

finally spoke the other day. I've heard a lot of people, like Clevenger and Bowers leading the charge. But Bowers doing it in a way that's like fuck the commissioner. I almost feel like he is doing it so much that I recognize what you're doing. You're trying to

be like the fucking the voice for this the yankees are just crying yeah they're just complaining you know he should have won mvp i would have hit 80 home runs we should have won the world series like shut the fuck up and i and i really mean like if if if the mets were on the short end of this stick i think it's like a lame i also don't think you're fucking totally... I don't think you got... It's not like clear-cut, like, okay, you lost because of that. Bro, I mean, everyone... Games 1 and 2 or 3 and 4, they didn't score any runs. You couldn't hit the Astros pitching.

That has nothing to do with their cheating. But also, there was another series afterwards. I think the Dodgers can lay claim to this. Where you're like, alright, you fucked us out of the World Series. You still gotta beat the Dodgers. Right, and that would have nothing to do with anything. The Yankees act like they are World Series champions because this happened. They act like it was down to one final pitch and you heard the fucking trash cans.

To me, it's like if I was in that position, I would play it totally the opposite. I'd be like, I know everyone's crushing them, and I'm going to be the guy saying, well, you know, hey, we didn't score any runs in those other games. That's on us. I worry about myself. That's the opportunity to play, to take the high road and make them look even lesser.

Exactly. By being petty, it's like you're in the same boat. Shut up, Mike Stanton. Fuck off, dude. You strike out 500 times a year, whether you know what pitch is coming or not, asshole. And by the way, he said in 2017 or whatever, he was like, yeah, stay on the goddamn field and produce. Yeah, 2017.

It's 2020, dude. Four score years ago. I was like, yeah, why don't you stay healthy and when you're on the field, don't strike out every goddamn time. In 2017? I didn't even realize that. I was thinking it was the start of the 2019 season. It is the start of the 2020 season, and we're talking about 2017?

Move on. Everybody, move the fuck on. That's why I actually kind of respect – Carlos Correa kind of fucked it up by speaking, like, too specifically, and now there's, like, direct contradictory, like, evidence. But I grew to like the way they were doing it, where they're just like, I don't think this is a big deal. I don't think it really affected the game that much.

But I also – I actually don't think it affected the game that much. But I also – I actually don't think it affects the game that much, by the way. It does, but not that much. I think a lot of people were doing it. And I think that's kind of what they mean where they're like, yeah, it affected the game, but everyone was doing it, so it doesn't affect it that much. Well, that's the other thing about the fucking Yankees.

We know, like for a fact, that Carlos Beltran showed up and said, you guys are behind the rest of the league. And where was he directly before that for three seasons? Like, why do you think you're clean? Why would you think, like, either they know it and they're just brazen about it, or I feel like that's where Manfred, like, given this blanket immunity, they're like, well, we're not going to get in trouble. They're not going to get in trouble. We're definitely not.

So let's just fucking say what we want. But, I mean, God, shut the fuck up. It is crazy. I see like a smirk in Hub's eyes when I'm like, well, you know you did it. Yeah. And he doesn't admit it, but it's almost like I see his brain churning being like, yeah, I know.

You had to know. You're an idiot. Who genuinely thinks you didn't do it. I think you're an intelligent person. And again, I think you should have done it. So if you didn't do it, if you don't think you did. Who genuinely thinks you didn't do it. I think you're an unintelligent person. And again, I think you should have done it. So if you didn't do it, if you don't want your team to do it, you're an idiot. It's like my stand. You didn't hit 80 home runs. You were cheating.

You didn't. You had a chance and you didn't. The crazy thing is someone quotes me the other day, like a lawyer, with how powerful the MLBPA is compared to like the nflpa where it's like the nflpa suspended the best player in their sport for four games when he under oath was like i didn't i don't know what you're talking about this didn't happen basically it was proven to be true it was like and it was like not any any like immediate scientist was like i mean i'm sorry what do i think what's the word i'm thinking third party scientist was

like that's not how it happens. They're fine. That's not how it wouldn't have worked. And the MLB has the players being like, yeah, we did it, and there's nothing they can do. I heard something today that Tony Clark, who was like the head of it or whatever, was like, like went to Manfred and was like, you're not even allowed to talk to my guys about this. And he was like, okay. It's like fucking power, dude.

I really don't think people are making a big enough deal out of what he said about the trophy, about the commissioner's trophy. Who said that? Manfred. What did he? Oh, wait. Manfred said, what do people care about that?

It's a piece of metal. Right, right, right. That's the fucking trophy for your sport. Are you kidding? I really don't think people are making a big enough deal about that. Like the commissioner of baseball

said who cares about it? It's a piece of metal about the commissioner's trophy. someone saying you should take his name off. So he's just,

yeah, but I mean, that's not the right defense. But still, yeah, you still can't say that. Nobody has fallen faster than Rob Manfred.

No. I feel like he did something when he first arrived that people liked. There was definitely one. Because I remember being like, oh, good. Baseball has like an Adam Silver, like a progressive commissioner. I forget what it was, but there was definitely something that made you

inspired to hope about Rob Manfred. Yeah. And now it's like, oh, you're the biggest idiot of all. You're like worse than Gary Bettman. You're worse than Roger Goodell. You're a fucking moron. So, yeah, man. I mean, at the same time though whatever yes i guess

hating the yankees is my personality so you guys win whatever let's get into our voicemails brought to you by a little miller light i mean i feel like voicemails in general are miller time you know that's when you need advice today oh you're weak today. Oh, you're not? Oh. Oh. Oh. Do you want me to fucking tuck you in at night, too? Rub some Vaseline on your hiney, you little bitch. I bet you can't even drink it, either. Well, not without... How much money right now to be, like, you know, Dana B, zillion beers, yugging right now? I don't think it's, like... I don't think it matters how much.

It's just like every swallow. Actually, probably doing the Dana, like fill your whole mouth up and swallow one time. Probably better. So why don't you do it, you bitch? Now, Miller Time with our listeners is, I mean, for years they've been calling up with questions, stories, just like funny bits that we can relate to, which is exactly what it's like every time you sit down and have a beer with your buddies. So I feel like every time you call the KFC Radio hotline, crack a cold one. Every time you listen to KFC Radio with us, crack a Miller Lite.

We're drinking them here in the studio as we listen to you. You drink them at home as you listen to us and make sure you share in all the uh i mean yesterday's episode was fucking i want to say yesterday's episode was like a classic i think it was one of the fun i mean there was some we went we went all over the map yesterday i feel like if you're ever somebody said to me like what uh what is you know like give me give me like the kfc radio episodes like the hall of fame ones for people first getting into it and i I can't remember any of them, but I was like, yesterday's one is up there. You might as well just start with that one there. Open up a Miller Lite, listen to us be idiots, and enjoy yourself.

That's what life's all about. That's what Miller Lite's all about. That's what KFC Radio is all about. It is going to be funny when I go to the doctors after this and I get my throat checked. Is that beer I smell? It's like, no wonder you feel sick. You don't take care of your body at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was doing a podcast. You know how it goes. Well, everybody else, enjoy responsibly. Celebrate responsibly. It's the Miller Brewing Company from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It's 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. So you can drink it, enjoy it and uh share in all the

good times it's miller time baby let's get in these voicemails and let it roll what up boys it's just a post valentine's day call so recently broke up with a girlfriend and one of the reasons not the main reason but one of the little reasons why we broke up was because her birthday weekend, her birthday was on a Monday. We went out Saturday night and spent Sunday together. We went out with all of her friends. So five girls and a boyfriend. I didn't know. That was great.

Love that. Pay for the dinner, pay for all of her drinks, which was a lot. She got really drunk. And Monday comes around. Like, I spent a bunch of money on her. I bought her, like, a really expensive necklace or whatever. It doesn't matter, but, you know. Sounds like it does to you.

Monday comes, I post something on Instagram, a little Instagram story. I was like, happy birthday, so-and-so, and posted a bunch of funny videos of us and a couple pictures. And one of the reasons we broke up was because I didn't show I love her in that post and apparently all of our friends sent stuff to her saying that that post wasn't enough I just want to say that is wild I think we spent a whole weekend together before her birthday hung out did a bunch of stuff with her friends I expressed how excited I was for her birthday weekend and the post was a big Yeah, I mean, this or an Always Sunny quote. Like, you know? That's me. All right.

Just wanted to hear your thoughts. Yeah, I mean, this guy dodged a bullet. I don't know that he did because I think these bullets are going to keep coming. I don't know. I feel like not doing a post is understandable. I mean, if you posted it and you said, like, happy birthday and you were, like, cute about it in your way i i don't think that's breakup worthy yeah i guess that's true now but i do need to see like the fact that all the girls were sending it to her like if it's one if it's your girlfriend being irrational it's one thing

if it's like all the girls being irrational you probably that post probably really sucked i mean like it probably said something like happy happy birthday, bro, or something like that. That's funny. Because... That's funny. If you say happy birthday, bro, that's funny. I can promise you she's not going to think that. I bet if she's got a sense of humor, she will.

Well, that's why I said you dodged a bullet, because I think that anybody who's going to break up over that is being way too sensitive. Unless it's, you know, unless this guy is not telling the full story and it was an egregious screw-up. And if you're not telling the full story to us, what egregious screw up. And if you're not telling the full story to us, what are you doing? Yeah, like, just fucking be honest. Tell us. We're the trust tree.

Like a priest. But I do that all the time. Like, when I go to therapy, I don't tell the truth. Really? Yeah, sometimes I, like, hold back. No, I tell people the truth. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, I'm just pathological, I guess. What can you do? Like, I would probably lie to us.

Well, it's a shame there's no fix for that. I would probably lie to us if I ever called the podcast. I'd be like, I mean, yeah. I was on a date with Adriana Lima, and she's mad about my Instagram posts. I think that if you do everything he did. There's a real shortage of really hot women in the world. Because I'm still talking Adriana Lima. That's still your go-to.

That's still my pull quote for a fucking list. That's just showing your age. She's like 45. That's showing your age and your sexuality. Because, again, if it was a guy, you would have rattled off the newest guy right now. I don't even know. Again, we talk about it all the time. It's like Ratajkowski and then –

I was going to say – Gisele Bundchen. How the fuck do you pronounce it? I think if you do – if you put forth the effort that he did, the party, the weekend, the friends, the drinks, the money, and then you do a post. And it sounded like you said multiple pictures and videos. I mean, I don't know.

It sounds like that guy did his job. I think here's the problem with the posts. You've got to just not do them. I don't know about that advice. It's like my dad. My dad doesn't wear his wedding ring. He just, day one, he's like, I don't. You've got to establish it.

Exactly. He's like, I don't... You gotta establish it. He's like, I don't wear rings. He's got fingers like me that look terrible. Rings are bad on him. He's like, I don't wear rings. Dave did that. He lost it in the ocean on his honeymoon and just never wore it. You sly motherfucker. My dad never even... I'm not wearing rings. But that dude, your dad, did what

most guys don't do, and I know I certainly didn't do. I did not establish the tone. Because in the beginning, when you're wooing and courting and trying and trying to trick them to like you, you're not your full self. And that's fine. But at some point, especially if you're going to be like, all right, we're going to live together, get married, be together forever. At some point, you're going to have to say, I'm going to start being myself. And it's not going to be like it was in the honeymoon phase. You know what I mean?

But if you establish that early and then she's still down, it's all good. But if this guy all of a sudden decides, nope, I'm not doing the birthday Instagram when he's already been that kind of boyfriend, it's going to be a problem. Yeah, that's true. So you got to get out of this shit and start a new one. It's the mail time shit. Set the bar as low as possible. No expectations. I've never been a wall writer.

I've never been a story poster. I've never been a tweet sender. That's it. I'll tell you shit to your face. Happy birthday. If you're my friend, I'll call you. But if I don't fucking know you, I'm not going to fucking do anything. But as always with the flowers and shit, it's always about the other people seeing it.

And guess what? You better fix that. Yeah. Because that's not a good personality trait to have. You better work on yourself because you're not going to get that validation from me. Right. I'm going to take you out all weekend. That should be enough.

We're going to share this experience together And actually I don't even know That girl might not have even had a problem with it But once her girls are complaining Now she's got a problem with it So two things One way or the other

Extreme opposites Either you post something that The girls are going to fucking gush over or you don't post it all post it all and and not posting at all the latter but not posting at all you if you are currently in a relationship and you have not already set that tone you cannot do so you have to do it from the very beginning so you can't just right now decide all right my girlfriend of like a year and a half is no longer gonna birthday posts not posts. Not going to happen. But if you set that tone from the beginning, I don't text this often.

I don't call this often. I don't hang out this often. I don't do these things. I don't buy these things. And then she knows what she's getting. It's crazy that we even have to like explain. It's like just be yourself. And if she likes that, then good.

And if not, like it's not for you. But that's really the truth because so much of the process in the beginning is like basically not being yourself if you're a bag of shit like us. I think I'm pretty good at it. At being a bag of shit? Yeah. I think I do it in an endearing fashion. I think you do it in an amazing – I think you do an amazing job of just setting the tone of exactly who you are and somehow it works for you. I think it's endearing. There's definitely been times where I've seen the way you're operating and I I'm like, I don't know how he gets, quote-unquote,

gets away with this. It's not any behavior that's like get away with, but it feels like that because of the male-female dynamic that has just become like that's grown to be. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's an endearing thing if you're just such a bag of shit. I mean, I was going to jokingly say poop your pants, but I actually do that.

Girls do love a project. If you're such a mess like that's like that's why girls like me they think they can fix me yeah they cannot but you are unfixable but it's a is your current girl trying to fix you no she's just like you're good as a bag of shit yeah i think so and let's love that bag of shit yo girl me too, me too. I feel you. I feel you. I don't know why, but I'll... Don't ask questions. If she is, she's really sneaky at it. Yeah.

Maybe it's just like slowly poisoning you, you know? Slowly turning on the lamp? Yeah, this is the first thing. She's fucking getting me to go to the doctor. She's been poisoning me. Oh, that's how it starts. No, she actually hasn't. That hasn't been her idea at all. I'm just saying, like, this is the first thing, maybe. She's being really sneaky. Oh, how it starts. No, she actually hasn't. That hasn't been her idea at all.

I'm just saying, like, this is the first thing, maybe. She's being really sneaky. Oh, right, right, right. She's, like, incepted you to do this? No. No, she's actually one of those. She's like, just gargle some warm water and salt. Shut up, pussy.

She's like, what are you, like, an old Asian woman? Civil War? We're doing... That shit does work, though. We're doing Eastern medicine here. It feels good for, like, a little bit. It doesn't, like, fix anything. I peed this morning. I tried. That's not her fault. That's, though. We're doing Eastern medicine here. It feels good for, like, a little bit. It doesn't, like, fix anything. I peed this morning when I tried.

Well, that's not her fault. That's your fault. You're just a weirdo. Next voicemail. What up, KST? Fight Super Producer BC. Quick question for you. How many times do you guys think you've beaten a disease like the coronavirus or Ebola, bird flu, the flu, whatever it is?

How many times do you think you've beaten a serious disease like the one going around now with corona by, like, washing your hands after you use the bathroom or, you know, someone covering their mouth up when they sneeze around you? Just those little things you do to prevent them. How many times do you think you've actually saved yourself if i were to ever like i joke around about swine flu bird flu sars coronavirus meaning like i think the hysteria is silly if i were to contract one of those i'd be dead yeah i do not i mean we started talking i don't i do not have the immune system to handle the common cold how many times do you think I've beaten a serious disease? If a serious disease gets a hold of me, it's a wrap in like a matter of days.

I beat E. coli. That's not like a disease. People die from it. Yeah? Yeah. You know, you eat like raw food. Yeah. That to me feels like food poisoning.

Trust me. I looked up how many people died from this as soon as I got it because I wanted to be able to brag that I didn't. That you beat a life-threatening disease. Yeah. It wasn't like I was like it was towards the end do people die in like a third world country probably yeah yeah i would guess i looked it up in an encyclopedia so it wasn't super boy you were really this is the guy saying he didn't like sympathy like he didn't want you know you went to an encyclopedia to look something up to be able to brag about it so people go oh wow yeah wow that's crazy but also that's how young i was young people that young don't beat those kind of diseases so young i had an encyclopedia um what was that encyclopedia no the other one it was like a cd

encarta that one i think when everyone's like wikipedia is not reliable i think encarta was not reliable but i used that shit all the fucking time. That was like the fakest. Are you using Encarta? I use Britannica. Okay. Yeah, I mean. You probably had the whole books in your library in your house, right? Like the West Wing.

The fucking Beauty and the Beast. It was by the computer, but yes, we had them all. Everybody has encyclopedias. No, they don't. I didn't have like all the encyclopedias. We had some. Do we have encyclopedias No they don't I didn't have like all the encyclopedias We had some Do we have encyclopedias? I think we had some

Yeah I think grandma had some And then we like inherited it But it wasn't like we like put it out It was like more like for display It wasn't like we used it Right It's like look at these books we have

So she could have them out for a reason Yeah I mean I feel like it was like dust flying off the thing every time. Like, A, okay, open up the A. But no, I mean, if I had a disease, I'd be dead. Yeah, obviously. I did have that one buddy who had swine flu. He beat it. You had a buddy who had swine flu?

Yeah, I've told you this story. It was when I was coming home from Preakness. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in the back. We just thought he was hungover. Yeah. Someone called about suicide. Yeah.

If you're listening and you don't know the story, and you're just getting those pieces, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This keeps getting worse. It was the hardest I've ever laughed about. Yeah. Nice voicemail. KFC, it's Mike, it's BC. I got a hypothetical for you. Yeah. Nice voicemail. KFC, it's probably, it's BC.

I got a hypothetical for you. Would you rather every time you fart, you can actually, like, see, like, see it come out? Like, you're not shitting or anything, but, like, you know, there's, like, a puff that comes out. It kind of lingers around you for 30 seconds or whatever. So if people around you, they know you just farted. Or would you rather every time you fart, there's a sound to it, and it's enough sound that, like, again, people around you can hear it. I don't think it matters, like, you know, if you're not around people, what does it matter?

So what would you rather have happen if you're around people? They see it or they hear it? I think hear it. The lingering effect is the problem. Of the sea? Yeah. So it's the puff of dust, right? Right, and then it kind of like hovers around.

Because if you're like in a bar, if there's music, if it's loud, you're going to be able to disguise the hiding. If someone sees a cloud, a fart cloud, it's like that guy just farted. You're done. It's like being in one of those pools that don't exist where the pee goes. By the way, I'm thinking about inventing that. What? Inventing the chlorine that turns purple when you pee in the pool.

I mean, it must really exist, right? I don't think it does. Does no one have it? I think it's a myth. I bet someone's invented it at this point. You think? What people should do is invent, like, a spoof version of it or something like that, like, where you can, like, make it happen and be like, ah, you peed.

It's like, no, I didn't. I swear. It's like, look at the fucking purple cloud yeah this is dumb and grape juice i guess yeah you need you need like a like a little yeah like a little like a bath bomb or some shit but uh i mean i also think that there might be a little bit more comedic value to the sound than like if you just saw like you can like see that like i'm like inhaling your fart versus if you have like a you know like the one question we have about sneezing like if it would sound like a bowling strike yeah if every time you farted it was like that'd be funny the uh the yeah the seeing it thing is is definitely gross

there's just you know what it's like everything else it's like where you know you hear like the ray rice story but when you see the video yeah i heard you far but when i see you fart yeah this huge fucking red thing coming up around your mouth. Yeah, like in the cartoon where you see the smell go into the nose. It's like in your tongue. It's so much worse. So much worse. So much worse.

Especially if you accidentally inhaled it. Right. Oh. And you watch it go from your cloud to my mouth. No fucking way. My mom said that one of her little brothers used to do that when they were kids. And he'd fart. And they'd be like, breathe through your mouth, breathe through your mouth.

And then he'd wait and he'd go, now you're eating it. And that would make me puke. That would be the most disgusting thing. Thinking that you have fart in your mouth. Yeah. And if I could actually have visual confirmation that I have fart in my mouth. My dad, his siblings used to hold him down to the

floor and say they were going to crucify him. How about that one? They also used to lock him in a trunk for like hours. Like a fucking, like a small trunk. They would just lock him in. But one time they held him down on like a hardwood floor, like pinned him down like Jesus. And they were like, get the nails and the hammer! And he thought he was going to get crucified to the

fucking floor. Like a fucking mind hunter style? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were fucked up. What was the trunk all about? It was like the boo box. It was like the boo box?

Yeah, it was just like, well, you're stuck in the trunk now. He was sisters, too. Yeah, he was like the youngest, and they just bullied the shit out of him. No wonder he had a fucking monkey and lived in the woods with a Spider-Man tattoo and shit, you know? He never had a shot. Last voicemail is brought to you by Manscaped. I'm watching the boys.

Yeah. Very good. Very great show. Love it. Great. I loved it. There was a scene that knocked it down so many pegs for me the deep when his gills are out oh yeah girls all up but when he it's it's two scenes really when he's like shaving his chest and the gills are gross me out and then when the girl was doing it i was like this is disturbing and i understand the fucking you know the point of it and everything. But I was like, Jesus Christ, it's disgusting.

But he was doing it. You know, he had the foamy shaving cream on. He had a bick out. He was just doing his chest. And I was just thinking, man, like how far we've come. Because that, you get like razor burn and sharp stubble. And you got to worry about your nipples and everything. Manscaped has perfected the art of trimming the body hair with the

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or guys are going to enjoy, or just your goddamn self. Sometimes it's just about feeling good in that department. So go to manscaped.com, use the promo code KFC, and you get 20% off plus free shipping. This is something, if you're a guy, you need it. This is considered, what's it called called like a sunk cost in a way or whatever like you have to you have to have this it's not like a luxury this is an essential good so go to manscaped.com use the promo code kfc and get the right tools for the job 20 off plus free shipping at manscaped.com promo code kfc what's up boys uh i got a question for you so you know that cliche like when when that uh when

the hot girl on the tv show sings happy birthday to you and supposed to be slow and all seductive as if getting happy birthday song you wasn't awkward enough i know for sure that this would just make it a million times worse and and I'm sure you guys would agree. So my question is, is there other things that you guys think that aren't sexy that are intended to be? And also, I've been listening to

the show for years, and I'm progressively starting to agree with Feidelberg on a lot more things. Yikes. And it's scaring me, so. Yeah, it should be. What the fuck do I do about that? Thanks. Keep getting smarter. That's all we do every day. Wake up and... Just get that brain better and better.

He's very right. Well, first of all, that was forever ruined for us once Dave did his happy birthday. It's also funny how old he is. Granted, I wasn't around for the original either, but it's not like a thing from a tv show it's maryland maryland like yeah we're talking you know 50s i guess right 50s into 60s like i would say

early 60s if i had to guess but she was banging jfk right so it's gotta be like but i don't know when she did that or when her career was popping before the government killed her it was definitely mr president oh right right right so yeah uh so yeah, we're talking a long time ago. And it is an awkward – happy birthday is an awkward moment. Happy birthday. Shout out to those two old broads who fucking made that song up. Because it is a good length where it's like – it's not too long. It's like, all right, all right, all right.

This is getting awkward. Okay, now it's over. But I think anytime someone sings to you, it's awkward. Oh. It's like – I can't imagine. Are you supposed to you, it's awkward. Oh. It's like... I can't imagine. Are you supposed to respond, like, smile, laugh, clap? Dude, it's like someone showing you a YouTube video,

only they're acting out the YouTube video in real life. And it's not that good. And it's like, oh, I want a YouTube video, yeah. Is it three minutes? Right. And you're going to stand up with me the whole time? To talk about, you know, three minutes in sex, not a long time. Three minutes someone singing to you?

Eternity. Even the scene in Schitt's Creek everybody loves where he sings Simply the Best. I mean, it's a great song. I would fucking crawl into a hole and die if someone was doing that to me. Nah, because I only care if it's in public. If you're doing it to me. Yeah, no, he's in public. Oh, I'm thinking the Return of Simply the Best.

Yes. Well, that's terrible. Those are both terrible. Oh, I'm thinking the other sim. I'm thinking the return sim would be the best. Yes. Where... Well, that's terrible. Those are both terrible. Oh, no. The one... If we're alone in Roseboth, Kerry, and you're just giving me a lap dance... Well, a lap dance is different than, like... But that's what it is.

I mean, he's, like, dancing and walking back and forth. Yeah, it's a little bit about... I'd fuck with that one. Yeah? That one I'm down with. You would do or receive? Both. Because I think that's fun.

If we're just alone... Wow, you're a better man than I. If we're just alone together, I would have fun with that for sure i definitely could not give i could receive and put on a show but i would not be happy about it the original i'd probably be better giving it when they're at the oh yeah you would be great at giving it yeah uh when they're like at the open mic and everyone like knows it's about him but not about him that's even the worst when it's like this is like kind of a secret but not um but other things that are viewed as sexy uh dripping candle wax on me the fuck out of here that that's one that i get i get i've never even had someone attempt i mean that that's gotta just

be like a i mean somebody along the way had to have done it i think now it's like a hollywood trope right i mean you know if you're into like kinky like pain pleasure there's just easier ways than melted wax you know and to along the whipped cream or food like that's always no fucking nightmare chocolate sauce or syrup or something like that chocolate sauce i guess but we've no but uh all of it is a mess all of it's a mess you sound like you're into it. Well, I mean, it depends. On? I don't know. I guess it depends. Who's doing it? Yeah. I mean, it's

like anything. Like, it depends who's doing it. It can be sexy. Allie Lauder, whipped cream bikini, unbelievable. Whipped cream once you've been, like, rolling around and fucking fingers and tongues and shit, and it's just like a film on top of you? Yeah that great anymore one thing people you learn uh using whipped cream in sex is that whipped cream doesn't look like whipped cream in commercials no it just

it just melts pretty quick right it's not like a fluffy white thing that stays you just like it's just like it just turns into milk really fast. It's dripping from your dick. Yeah, I mean, that's not good. Shower sex. Any sex in water. Hot tub sex. That looks hot, I guess, but not. Water sex is the worst because I also get distracted by the rhythm of the splash.

And I'm like, I can't have that rhythm. I can't have noise. I can't have beds going. I can't have that happening i need silence i can do slapping that's it you need to leave the fish out of water fish out of water fish out of water but i can't do it there's actually a lot of things when you think about it that are probably yeah sex itself vaginas i mean anal sex oh like it's crazy let me put it where you poop what like there's probably shit all up in there yeah everyone's like yes please oh my god that would be the best let me please like what i don't know why i don't

know why yeah why we are the way we are but we fucking are so it is what it is man uh let's talk to bob saget and adam pally our two interviews for the day we'll, but we fucking are. So it is what it is, man. Let's talk to Bob Saget and Adam Pally, our two interviews for the day. We'll start off with Bob Saget, living goddamn legend, who's also just not from this planet. He's so goddamn out there. Just a stream of consciousness. I don't even know if you can call this an interview. This was just Bob Saget came in, we pressed record, and

something happened. It was magic. It's brought to you by Hawthorne, also magic. You open up your Hawthorne box, you've got deodorants, you've got lotions, you've got washes, you've got cologne, and it's fucking magic. They've got the work and play cologne. One of it smells distinctly like something you would wear to the office. The other one smells like, hey, you're at the bar. You're having a good time.

Work and play. It makes sense. You want to not just cologne. You want to always smell good. You've got to be using the right shampoos and conditioners and lotions and body washes. They have that so that it's a permanent thing. I mean, Sean Evans came in

here yesterday. How good did he smell? It smelled incredible. The best I've ever smelled. Both of us had to remark on how... I'm not a cologne guy often, but I think I might need to be because of how good Sean smelled and how much of an impression it left. I also feel like he didn't tell us the real answer of what it was. I mean, you don't think so?

Well, because he wants to protect his brand. Yeah, you want to smell it. I wouldn't tell him. No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't, Sean. I'd tell you. Go get your Hawthorne. I mean, listen, it's not a secret that Hawthorne has the best in the business.

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Get yourself some Hawthorne. Hawthorne.co, promo code KFC for 10% off. Let's talk to Bob Saget. How we doing, Bob? I'm damn good. Yeah? I'm working. I'm doing – I'm working on – I have a new hour of stand-up, which is bizarre to me because I'm like every four-year guy when it comes to a special.

So – because I do a bunch of other things. I do garden work and I clean deli slicers at different delis around the world. But I travel the world cleaning slicers. I had a guy at my local deli when I was a kid slice his finger right off. Yeah, I cut my hand right through here. Well, actually, I didn't do it on the slicers. I had a guy at my local deli when I was a kid slice his finger right off. Yeah, I cut my hand right through here. Well, actually, I didn't do it on the slicer. Somebody asked me to slice their canned

ham. I was really a deli clerk for six years. It's a lovely story. I had a great upbringing. I had a trade. I'm still in the Amalgamated Meat Cutters Union on a leave of absence. I really am. Amalgamated Meat Cutters Union. On a leave of absence. I really am. Amalgamated Meat Cutters Union. On a leave of absence.

I don't know if you're kidding. No, I'm not kidding. But you might be. I don't know. You keep saying that to me. I'm not. In my shows, I explain it. Okay.

Because it's important to know that I have a trade. You know, if the showbiz doesn't work out. It all goes away. You've still got the meat cutting. I'll be making sandwiches like there's no tomorrow. I can fillet a Nova Lox. It doesn't work out. It all goes away. You've still got the meat cutting. I'll be making sandwiches like there's no tomorrow. I can filet a Nova Lox. But that really hits a big part of your demographic.

But my shows have been – I didn't think I'd be doing stand-up right now. I'm working on – Did you think you were done? Like ever going to do it again? No, I never thought I was done. I mean I couldn't help it. There's always some form of something. Like I am starting a podcast just to try to drive you guys off the air. Yeah, you motherfuckers.

I'm sick of famous people getting podcasts. Don't talk about my mom or what we did. But Barstool is, you can't mess with you guys. You're an empire. I don't know, man. You move your new building and there's rats and your bathroom smells like my grandmother's pee. Oh, wow. Maybe your grandmother peed in there. She my grandmother's pee. Oh, wow. Maybe your grandmother peed in there.

She's gone 40 years. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know. All right, here's a question for you. It sticks with you, that smell, huh? Yeah, you really remember your grandma's pee smell. Did you go in that restroom? Wow, that's what happens when you've got cubicles with people sitting in their chair all day

on a laptop. It's not a laptop. It's a crap top. That's why it's bar stool. Solid bar stool. But this new hour, like tonight, I'm at the music hall in Tarrytown, New York, which is where the Headless Horseman, in that story, you know? You know what story I'm talking about? Yeah.

I didn't know that was in Tarrytown, though. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I didn't either. It's right above it. I could have sworn that was Massachusetts. No, I can tell you the truth because I just read about it so I could be educated on your podcast. That it is a headless horseman. He's a Hessian, right?

I don't really know his name. But I know Ichabod Crane was the guy that was a skinny sleuth trying to get him. But I just hope he don't come to the show tonight because he's got no head. How's he going to laugh? You know what life's like with no head. It's terrible. And then tomorrow night, Friday, these are plugs.

Tomorrow night, Friday, I'm in Inglewood, New Jersey at the Bergen Center for the Arts. I guess they call it the Bergen Pack or something. I guess it's the Bergen Performing Arts Center. I just figured out what the business means. And Saturday I'm in Atlantic City at Hard Rock,

which is the best hotel there now, I'm told. And I'm going with my buddy Mike Young, who I've been touring with since I met him when he was a writer on Entourage. And I was kind of like that guy a little bit, unfortunately. You were just down in Miami with him, weren't you? Yeah. We had a good time. We had a good time.

The audience was diverse. It was interesting. I don't do political stuff in my stand-up, and it's good that I don't. Would have been a problem. Well, this tour I'm doing is going to go for a while. I'm doing Canada in a couple weeks. It's a good city, Canada. And then I'm doing, I'll be going to Rhode Island.

I'm going to end up in Texas, because I actually love Texas. But these days, things are, well, Austin's a great town. No, I think Austin's crazy overrated. No, but you're wrong. No, I'm not. I'm definitively right. I've been to Austin twice. You've been to Austin twice.

I've been there over 40 years like four times. You're the expert. For like a week at a time. I know everything. I'm a millennial. I've been there twice. I had chocolate cake once. It was terrible. I'm a millennial. I've been there twice. I had chocolate cake once. It was terrible. I'm never eating it again.

I propose that it's a great place. And Dallas and Houston are... Houston sucks. Houston sucks, man. Houston is just blah. It's a little bit like a Phoenix in Texas. Sure.

Perfect example. But I have fun in Phoenix. It's people that bit like a Phoenix in Texas. Sure. Perfect example. You keep driving. But I have fun in Phoenix. It's people that are trying to do jobs and make a good living and be able to afford a house. That's fine. That's all well and good. That doesn't make it fun. But Texas can secede from the union if they want.

The whole state's on casters. Yeah. Ready to go. I think a lot of states are going to want to secede. I don't know what's going to happen. I want to succeed. I want to suck seed. I want to suck anyone's seed and get pregnant through my mouth. I don't know if you can say that here. You can say whatever the fuck you want, Bob.

Whatever you want. All right. Whatever you want, Bob. Hey, Bob, when you went to the bathroom here. Yes, I did. I went in and checked my hair because I had headphone hair. Oh, that's the worst. Didn't do me no good.

I was going to ask you if you washed your hands. Do you wash your hands? I wash my hands before. A lot of people don't wash their hands. The time to wash your hands is before. If you're at a urinal, it's before you touch your penis. Right. I like how you hesitate on penis.

This is if you're a dude. You said you wanted to succeed and get pregnant in your mouth. And you're like, well, penis. Yeah, because I didn't mean to say that that just kind of slipped out and i meant nothing by it but i'm a very good person and an upstanding citizen so i think you need to wash your hands before you touch your wiener because you know where your hand has been you've shaken tons of hands touching everything you're touching everybody and everything you don't know if they were on a flight and they and somebody flew in from China and that person sneezed.

It was on their hand. Right. You get coronavirus all over the place. They started punching the seat in front of you. Apparently, that's not supposed to be done. Where do you fall on that? That was like a full-blown war. I don't understand how you can fall anywhere on that except the guy's an asshole.

Yeah, I'm with you. I don't understand how you can fall anywhere on that except the guy's an asshole. Yeah, I'm with you. And all of a sudden the airline president says, well, it's a policy to ask the person behind you if you can recline. No, it's not. Fuck off. No one on this earth has ever heard that. First thing, she's a lady, and I still believe in that. Yes, women should have completely everything. But you don't hit a guy.

You definitely don't hit a lady. I was just kind of raised that way. I mean, some people are raised to hit a lady because they watch their dad beat the crap out of their mom. And that makes them an accomplice in a way. I mean, they didn't report it. They didn't call child services. My dad's beating the shit out of my mom. And it's awkward because they just had sex.

I don't know why. Maybe that's why. Maybe something didn't happen right. It's probably because dad couldn't do it. But this lady laid back, and I think after you get punched for about half an hour in a good hour body bag session, you kind of bring your chair about

halfway up. That's the only thing I would say. Oh, no. At that point, I'm leaning all the way back. I might agree with you. At that point, it's getting spiteful. But what if it's a lady behind you and you're going to recline and she's

very attractive or a dude behind you that you like that way, then I wish the seats go 180 flat so you're actually in their lap looking up their tube top if it's a dude. Because you can't say anything anymore

and that's a problem comedically. Do you run into problems with that? Well, I've adjusted a lot of things. Have you? I did a show in England. It does not sound like it. I think you get carte blanche. No, I don't want to, though.

They want it sometimes. I never told the aristocrat's joke except in that movie. I did it one time at someone's wedding. It was the after party. But, I mean, I only heard the joke once before. It was just a moment in time, and it was about freedom of speech. But you can't make that movie now. You can't show that movie now. I mean, I only heard the joke once before. It was just a moment in time, and it was about freedom of speech. But you can't make that movie now. You can't show that movie now.

I mean, you can. It would be a stomping of your feet to what's going on in the world. Anybody that suppresses my freedom of speech, if it's what I find funny, what I don't want to do, I want the audience to find it funny, too. I don't want to say anything that four people are hurt right and i had a couple things like that i mean i had a bunch of stuff like that and i said that's right a new hour just just go out there and don't let yourself say your old stuff really so i take out as much as i can of my penis and but i put a little uh umbrella

this is the one joke that makes everyone sad well Well, it depends if I have the pin spot, if I have the spotlight on it appropriately. I do puppetry of the penis. I make him talk. He says stuff like that. I'll be honest, that's a show I would watch. Puppetry of the penis. Bob Saget.

It has to be a specific person. There was a movie years ago, a million years ago. You weren't born. It was called The Groove Tube. Nobody's old enough here to know it. No. And The Groove Tube was a comedy movie that was really funny, and it was like pre-SCTV, which I hope you know.

That's where John Candy came from and Martin Short and Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. That was this amazing Toronto group. And The Groove Tube was a movie that was made. And all of a sudden you're watching something and you think it's a puppet. And then you realize it's a penis and balls dressed up. And it was Richard Belzer's, the comedian Richard Belzer's penis and balls. And he then got testicular

cancer. So he can it's one of the few people on this earth that can go back and watch an actual feature film with his full balls back. It's a full movie? It's not a whole movie. It's a penis movie. Okay, it's a scene.

It's a penis movie, idiot. No, it's many, many comedy scenes. It's vignettes. And I don't know if it holds up, but it sure was funny. It's like the RCD Jackass. I think it was Jackass 2 when they dress up his dick like a puppet and they put it in a snake cage. Oh, yes. And it's just like nipping at his ball bag.

And the snake just bites his dick. See, I don't like that stuff. Oh, no? No, I don't like actual real cruelty. I can't watch. I mean, he's willingly putting it in. Yeah.

I understand. You can staple your eye too. I mean, if you're an idiot, but I mean, and I love, uh, uh,

Johnny Knoxville. Yeah. See, that's, we were raised on that. That's why we're fucked. No, I understand.

I, I watched it and, and he's actually a friend. So it's like, I can name drop like nobody's business. I watched it. And he's actually a friend. So it's like, I can name drop like nobody's business. I bet you can. I bet you got basically everybody, right? I got a lot of people.

There's no one who's ever going to not hang out with you. Well, yeah, there are. I feel like if you're at any party this year, I'm not going to get I mean who is nominated I don't think Christopher Plummer he wasn't nominated

you think Joaquin Phoenix is letting you in his party I don't want to hang with Joaquin Phoenix he can't remember to thank anybody on the film but himself unfortunately I think that's not I think he's got some issues so I feel bad for him but he's got some issues. So I feel bad for him.

But he's a brilliant actor. Brilliant. But I didn't love the Joker because it was so – I thought he did a good job. He did a great job, but it was so negative. And I just understand his process wasn't very collaborative. It was really just him and the director. And I do think it's a collaborative medium.

But I also understand, I guess you'd call it method acting, where people have to really become the guy. Fuck that, though, right? I don't know. I don't know. There are people that do it and have done it over the years. There's a famous story. There's a movie called Marathon Man with Laurence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman. And Laurence Olivier kind of plays like an ex-Nazi, but he's a dentist.

And it's where the line, is it safe, that came from. I don't know if you know that line, but you don't know anything about it. But it doesn't matter. It's a famous movie. And Dustin Hoffman was a big movie star. And he's really quite interesting and smart.

And he was really method acting it. So he had to go to see this dentist who was going to torture him. So he runs around the block before they shot the scene because he's running a lot. He's a marathon man. He runs to get out his anger. And he ran and ran and ran before shooting it. This is a real story. And then he comes to work and he's out of breath.

And Lawrence Olivier said, why are you so out of breath? He says, I wanted to run around the block to get ready for this scene. He says, can't you simply just act my boy? Kind of true though, right? I always say that with Daniel Day-Lewis where it's like he's doing some movie and went and became

a carpenter for four years. Well, you're not even acting. You're just a carpenter. Well, I mean, Jesus was a carpenter. But he wasn't an actor. We don. Well, I mean, Jesus was a carpenter. But he wasn't an actor. We don't know. I mean, it was 2,000 years ago. Maybe he had a twin brother, and that's who they got rid of, and he's fine.

That's going to fly well. I mean, I've acted and gotten lost in the part. I've done a couple things. I did a play once called Privilege here at the Second Stage Theater, and I played like an Ivan Boski character, like a guy that's doing illegal stuff like everybody in the news right now. And he went to jail for insider trading. And there was a scene for 10 minutes.

We lost all our money. The kids had a Ralph Lauren bedroom and ended up in a little shit little apartment. Lost all the money. The maid didn't have a maid anymore. And it was really based in the 80s. And Paul Weitz wrote it, who was a great writer, who wrote about a boy. And Nick Hornby wrote, like, why am I doing Thesaurus? You know a lot of fucking people, Bob.

No, I don't. Well, kind of, but not. But I don't know Ivan Boski because he was a terrible, illegal man. When you're doing a play. But anyway, I did the play, and it was ten minutes long. I had to make their bed, and I didn't know how to do it. And I had to do it every time, every performance. And it's a 10 minute scene

where I'm doing a monologue and the boys don't know what's happened to dad because it's a pretty sad play. But it's a great he wrote a great play and waited for me to be ready to do it. But I was it took me a while to come out

of it after every performance. If you go there, it just takes you a while. If you're acting, if that's what you're doing. Stand-up's a little different. Stand-up, you just want to chill and go, was that funny? If you recorded it, you go, oh shit, I have to listen to myself. Are either of you stand-ups?

I've attempted, and it's so fucking hard. Well, I bombed for 12 years, you know, 14 years's it's so fucking well i bombed for 12 years you know 14 years and then i started getting jobs and then i got um so wait do you think you were bombing or or like no i was bombing but when you so you get jobs and then did you get like better material or people just started to come because you know what i mean it's like you weren't well it's because you don't more stage time you have if you do a decade of stage time, and I was one of the hosts of the Comedy Store in L.A., so I'd be bringing out Richard Pryor and Robin.

And I brought out Eddie Murphy when he was working out the movie Raw, his concert. And then I watched him take it one Friday where it was really strong. But then the next Friday he came in and instead of a red leather suit he wore a blue leather suit but more importantly than that he figured out what went wrong the week before because he's that good and he just the walls

were shaking I'd never seen anybody and I've seen everybody I mean I've there isn't any comedian that I haven't seen that hasn't Eddie the best you've seen? Am I hasn't made the best. Eddie the best you've seen? Am I? Is Eddie the best you've seen?

Or you. Right now, no one will ever be Eddie Murphy. I mean, Richard Pryor was probably the best I'd ever seen. And I was in a Richard Pryor movie and I was friendly with him and I really loved him because he was talking such from the heart and such from the gut. I don't know if there will ever be anybody better, and I love George Carlin as far as those people that broke the mold of what you can do.

Who do you like currently? I love the obvious is Chappelle because he's so bold, he's saying philosophical stuff and some people get offended. But then most of the time he weaves his way out of it so smartly. And I love Bill Burr quite a bit. I just think he's another level. You know, they're both able to, you know, I always do this stupid metaphor. They're diving into a pool with no water. And then you figure how they're going to survive this. And they do. They just say something. pool with no water, and then you figure, how are they going to survive this?

And they do. They just say something, and you're going like, oh, fuck. You just dug a hole so big. That was anti-woman. That was anti-racial. What was that?

And then it just, it all makes sense. And that's true artistry. I like a lot of people. What can people expect from your act? I feel like sometimes people don't know what to expect with Bob Saget. My whole act is spoken in Slavic languages. And I do a lot of Ukrainian jokes because it's so fun right now.

I'm not doing political stuff. I involve the audience. People don't know anybody to call, oh, your crowd work was good. And say, okay, thank you, Mr. Ba-dum-bum. And if somebody doesn't know anything about comedy, they say, oh, your crowd work. Don Rickles, if you said crowd work to Don Rickles, he'd go like, what?

I talked to the audience. What are you talking about? Yeah, it does feel like a little bit of a buzzword. It's not work. It's not work. It's like they're there. It's like a town meeting. When I'm in Tarrytown tonight, that's a town meeting. I want to see the Headless Horseman. I want that. But I really look at it like broadcasting.

When you're broadcasting, when you're doing this, they're your friends. You're talking to your friends. You're trying to make their day better. Because you're having an interaction that's real and live, they're part of it. And you're giving them companionship or laughs or something serious that all of a sudden happens. You go, God, we've got to deal with this. This is upsetting. We've got to talk about it. And I'm sure in the past few weeks you've had a bunch of stuff that you had to address.

John shit his pants. Yeah. Did you? Yeah. Are you sponsored by a bleach company? That was about it. Why didn't you shit your pants. Did you? Are you sponsored by a bleach company? Why didn't you shit your pants? Four times. I was really sick, Bob.

I was talking about more things like losing a national sports figure but your most tragic thing that you talked about. Why? What did you eat? I don't know. Was it a hangover? Were you drunk? I don't know. It was just, I don't. Was it a hangover? Were you drunk tonight before?

No, it was sober. I mean, he was sick. He was sick. It was, yeah. Oh, yeah, the stomach flu? He was making couscous. The food's so nice. You don't have anything I should know about right now, because I don't know if you're

hurt, but something's going around. Yeah, no, right now you're good. Right now you're good. Have you been on a cruise lately? No, but I've been around people who were. That's dangerous. I didn't know that. Fuck.

We're in a river. Dangerous going on. We're in a river. Right, right. Oh, you're in real trouble people who were. That's dangerous. I didn't know that. Fuck. It's dangerous going on. Right, right. Oh, you're in real trouble. I would get a blood test. So are you now, pal. Jeez, God in heaven. Why aren't you wearing a mask?

Like, that's going to stop it. Yeah, I know. I mean, if you can talk and breathe through it and shit, it's not helping out any fucking germs. I think it would be great if you asked somebody to take off the mask and they had no teeth. I mean, that's like the joke. They've got like every third tooth. And that's why they wear it. It's not for the safety.

But I don't know. My show is. So are you getting deep? Are you going to talk about death and tough stuff? Yeah, I've always talked about death. I did a bunch of my last special, which was Zero to Sixty, was on Amazon Prime originally, and then now it's on Amazon Prime, but it's on Hulu and it's on Apple TV and all that. So people have really taken a liking to it.

And the one before it, I was nominated for a Grammy, but Kathy Griffin won. Oh, fuck it. But I like him. It works at every single podcast. Same joke. Nailed it. It's so easy. And then, you know, I don't think she'd get mad.

We did not get along with her. Oh, well, was she here? Yeah. She did not like us. She did not care for us. Oh, well, maybe it's because you talked about shit in your pants. No, it's because we talked about her cutting Donald Trump's head off, and all of a sudden she was like, whoa.

Like, well, that's why you're here, to talk about that movie. Yes, that's one thing she doesn't want to talk about. But it was there to promote the movie about. That was what the promotional tour was. It's like, you've got to talk about it. It was promoting that movie. It was weird. And they were like, we've got to change the subject.

It was like, well, that's all I've got to do. I guess she got tired of talking about it. Maybe somebody should bring that head to my show. There you go. It all comes full circle. The headless horseman can have a head. Kathy Griffin. No, it wasn't Kathy Griffin.

I don't think we want that head floating around on a horse. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm in trouble already. So we got Tarrytown tonight. We got Englewood tomorrow. So you're justrytown tonight. We got Inglewood tomorrow and Atlantic. So you're just day and night. And then I go to Canada. Then I go to Denver.

Then I go to, I'm all over the place. You just go to my website, which is called? Popsack.com. Yeah, it's amazing. I don't know how I got that. Because there are people that want to be me. I have imposters everywhere. Really?

One guy shits his pants. I don't like him. You never told me. How did it happen? I was asleep, and it just like... Oh, you weren't here. No, no, no. I wasn't here.

I was home. Because your bathroom smells like it's still... I was home. I was sick. Oh, you had a stomach flu. Yeah, yeah. What was that caused by? What did you eat?

Like two pounds of baked beans? The... Biamb Korean pork bibimbap. Bibimbap. Korean pork bibimbap? Bibimbap, I believe is how it's pronounced. What's that mean? I don't know. It's a Korean dish. It's Korean for shit fans.

Is it a North Korean dish? B-I-B-I-M-A-P, I think. North Korean food has missiles in it, so it could detonate your entire colon. And then you'd be ripped to shreds. Your butthole would look like a praying mantis mouth. Like a cootie catcher. You can't be offended. You shit your pants and talked about it.

Bobby got out of control. This got out of control. This got out of control. That got out of control. We lost control. We lost it. Well, we have a connection. Someone in that control. I've had a hit or miss before.

I've had a, you know, a groundhog. You've only had a near miss? No, I had like a groundhog day. Didn't know. Bopped out and came back in. If you wanted to see its shadow or not. There's no way. How old are you?

I'm 63. You're definitely shitting your pants. I don't look. And if not, you're going to. You're definitely shitting your pants. I don't look it. And if not, you're going to start shitting your pants soon. No, I don't happen. I know how not to shit my pants. Let me tell you a little trick. You're going to be wearing your pants soon.

You youngsters. You're going to start shitting your pants soon. No. I'll give you until 68. You're going to shit your pants at 68. Dude, I'm going to live to 100. I'll take two bottles of Imodium, and I will not shit for a year in order just to prove your

prophecy wrong. I want to be constipated. I want a phone call from Bob Saget at 100 being like, it's been 365 days, motherfucker. Oh, you're going to get it. I'm going to videotape, and you're going to see my veiny, bony legs. And then I'm going to let the

camera dip down, and you'll see my testicles hanging on the water. I was going to say. In a puppet fashion. That's right. In a puppet-like fashion in what would have been porn. It was only an R-rated movie. I can't believe it. Go to bobsaget.com.

Nobody knows what I'm talking about because that was a half hour ago. Get your tickets at bobsaget.com. You're a legend, man. Oh, you're really nice. People tell me that. They say you're the goat. I'm like, are you saying I'm an animal with a bell around its neck? It is an interesting thing that goat was always like,

the goat was the bad thing. It just kind of switched. A lot of things happen like that. You know, like, man, you crushed. I mean, well, that doesn't sound that bad. You killed it. You killed it. You killed it.

Sounds like you ruined it. Or you are the shit. Somebody said, you are the shit. And I said, thank you for adding the word the. You are shit. That doesn't sound like a compliment. You're all of the above, Bob Saget. Okay, I'm going to leave because I'm going to shit my pants.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. All right, big thank you to Bob. He says he likes us. I'm not even sure he knows who we are or where we are or what planet we're on. He says he loves us. Yeah. Probably because we're just like, go ahead, big fella.

The world is yours, man. Now, from one guest that loves us to one that, I don't know, I'm not so sure. Adam Pally is here, and he's a very sharp, witty, smart, informed, educated guy. And so I think he doesn't like us because we're none of those things. That's not our brain. That's not our brain. That's not what we do. Not what we do, no.

That would be the blue aspect of our strike zone. Seriously. Seriously. This is a strikeout pitch. Adam Pally's here. We tried to impress him. Didn't go well. I think he's so funny that it just comes off as sometimes he doesn't like us.

That's a good spin zone. It's just accurate description of things. Right. And we are us. He's very observational, and he cuts right to the core, right to the chase. So, Adam Pally, let's talk to him. Adam Pally's back in the studio.

What do you think of this one, man? You inspired change. You inspired hope. You are the Obama of this fucking room here. Thank you. That is a great compliment, and I would say that it's better. Come on! Come on!

This one has fucking all decorations and murals. It's a little cluttered. Well, some say cluttered, I'd say You can't please the guy. No, no. You could please me. You could. You know how? If you made it look good.

Well, here's what we do. Usually a guest comes and they'll, like, leave something or, like, you know, they donate to the Wall of Fame here. So it gets a little cluttered, I'd say. So essentially we're doing this in a garbage can. No! Come on! Jesser Rhodes' gum right here. Yeah, come on. You're not impressed with that?

It's a porn star's gum. No, I don't. I lived in L.A. for a long time. I stepped that it's a porn star's gum i know i don't know i lived in la for a long time i stepped on a lot of porn stars gum no big deal i mean last time you described it as the inside of a lit cigarette and a white person's trap house and now we've i feel like downgrading to trash no no no this is like um you know what this is like a fucking garbage can this is like? A fucking garbage can. This is like, do you guys listen to Howard Stern? I mean.

You know what that is? Yeah. This is like what I imagine Sour Shoes' bedroom would be. Come on. This is. Come on. This looks like a guy who got into a car accident and has decided to sell all of his belongings. It's not completely inaccurate.

It looks like Kevin was moving out of his house, and so he just put all his shoes over here. It honestly looks like the beginning of a Will Ferrell drama. I'll be honest. I had high hopes. So did I. I thought he was going to be like, wow, you guys

glow up here I mean is this used is this a used desk well it's not it's not like brand new this is the worst

shaped desk for this room what oh I thought it was the scratches in it what happened was there was a sharp thing

on the table we just kind of scarved around no no it's great no you guys it's great it's awesome fuck off Adam Paz I know it's way better it's way better that's a sharp thing on the table, and we just kind of scarved it. No, no, it's great. No, you guys, it's great. It's awesome. Fuck off, Adam Paz. No, it's way better.

It's way better. That's a good thing. It's way better. It had to be. You really couldn't get any worse. This whole thing started off with me telling you you look great, too, by the way. Thank you very much. You have a great outfit.

Your hair looks amazing. Thank you. Well, I'm on the circuit, so you got to look sharp for all the morning shows. You can't look like you've been up for 12 hours already, like throwing kids at different schools, slowing down to five. Yeah, man. You got three, right? I got three all over the city.

Yeesh. What are the ages? Eight, almost seven, and two and a half. Goodness gracious. Yeah, it's a nightmare. So you were kind of out of it and then restarted the clock with diapers and sleeping and high I saw the end of the tunnel. And then you were just like, no, you know what?

I thought I did it. Start from the beginning. I thought I did it. Yeah. I thought I was going to be one of those guys where they're like, wow, you're young. Dad, look how old your kids are. Yeah. Yeah, we started early.

No, I'm now a wreck. I am. Yeah. No, I look like I've been, I've like worked as the president. I look horrible. Four years later, right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's terrible. It's awful. That's really what parenting is. But I love them. President years. Your youngest is Drake, right? My youngest name is Drake, yes. Named after the rapper?

100%. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, I mean, find me a better Jewish rapper. Can't do it. I love the Beastie Boys. I grew up as a Jewish kid in Stuyvesant Town.

They're my number ones as a band, as a collective. I think if you had to go bar for bar, you'd say Aubrey Graham was a better rapper, and the name Drake is a power name. So, yeah, Drake James Pally. I feel like when you name your kids, you can look at it two ways. better rapper and the name drake it's a power name power name yeah big time so uh yeah drake james powell i feel like you when you name your kids you can you can look at it two ways i feel

like you either kind of like set them up with a power name or you now got like a bar that you set that you gotta like live up to yeah what if he's like i'd rather just be like a like a fred i don't want to be a drake dad well we gave him drake james so like if it really bothers him he could go by james i don't think i will i mean like even like him Drake James so like if it really bothers him he could go by James I don't think I will I mean like even like yeah or DJ

like there's a million things he can do and we try or just Drizzy Drizzy yeah right now he goes by Six God but

yeah he goes by Pedialyte Poppy that's good he yeah what we do or have done that's good he yeah what we do or have done when we had kids

was we kind of center on a few names and then we roast them to each other as like you know

as you kind of bring them down you kind of just a practice for when they're born and piss you off no but what they potentially

could do yeah you gotta see this is what the playground will be or when they're born and piss you off no but what they potentially could yeah that yeah you got to see it like this is what the playground will be like when they're nine yeah kids are cool and like my name was adam and like for a long time i was like and like in the beginning it hurts you know i don't know if i would have given that to everybody it was such an easy i mean it's literally syllabic you know um so i you know we try to like you know avoid any trappings of like uh easy name calling i think you gotta go workshop that at playgrounds and stuff workshop it to each other i'm an easy laugh yeah well i i think about that a lot with with some of these names like the dude who just went viral recently the coldest it's cool now you're like

you're like a five-star recruit you're like i'm the coldest i'm's cool now. You're like a five-star recruit. You're like, I'm DeColdest. I'm like, awesome. But when you're like maybe 11 or – His middle name was To Ever Do It. Yeah, DeColdest To Ever Do It. Is that true? Yeah. Like government name. DeColdest To Ever – that's great.

And he's like a top recruit like for college football. Which is awesome now. But do you think that maybe when he was like seven or something, he was like, I wish my name was fucking Mike. No, because then he'd be Mike To Ever Do It. It's always going to be that. That's like a circumstance that my name was fucking Mike. No, because then you'd be Mike to ever do it. It's always going to be that. That's like a circumstance that you're just born in. It's like, you know, you don't get a choice sometimes. Right.

And a lot of times. Right. Did you choose your recent acting gigs because of kids? Did I choose my recent acting? Well, we got Mandalorian. We got Sonic. I needed money. That's a good one. Mandalorian, we got Sonic. I needed money. That's a good one.

On all of them. Yeah. I wanted to make money. No, I think I'm getting older, honestly. Well, you're definitely older. Yeah, although sometimes in Hollywood you can kind of sustain a certain age for a little bit. Suspend that, yeah. Because you're...

Galifianakis has been the same age the whole time. Yeah. Sure, yeah. Paul Rudd is... Yeah, yeah of course yeah you can like do it all um so but i think uh as i said and in my personal i'm just like a little older now and so the roles that i was doing which were kind of maniacs or life of the party type shit i just uh am a little older than that and people i think they want to see me do what i do most times, which is take care of kids. Yeah. It's the fucking worst, man. It's so bad.

Well, even the man, Lauren, you're not exactly taking care of a kid. Well, that's how I take care of kids. You gotta know what's up. Kidnap him, throw him. In that role, were you like, can I take the helmet off? No, but I did ask to be totally candid. I hope this doesn't get me in any more trouble.

But, yeah, no, when they first started talking to me, I was like a little bit like, well, does that mean I can't do anything else in Star Wars now? Yeah, you're that guy now. Is this it? And they were like, no, we won't see your face. And I was like, dope. So you can be like the lead in the next one? I probably won't. But yes.

Well, if something were to, yeah. Or if I wanted to do one, maybe. I don't know. We'll see what happens. They do that a lot, right? Wasn't the rumor with one of the earlier, newer trilogy ones where like, who's Bond again? Fucking Bond again fucking Bond

James Bond Daniel Craig Daniel Craig wasn't Daniel Craig he was one of the he was yeah one of the early ones yeah they do it sometimes

and it was so funny and when it was explained to us and Taika White Titty directed it and like Jojo Rabbit was amazing

and I've loved his work forever and so I you know was excited to be directed by him I didn't know Taika directed that yeah so it was like it was something you couldn't you know what I mean it was like and we were there for it wasn't like a one hour thing like we were directed by him for a good long chunk

of time like we got in there and we're doing it and like you can't trade that you know so yeah whatever you say yeah punch this baby they just get so mad at this baby just pretend it pretend you're at home yes yes yeah no no

he was cool it was such a great you know so much of it was so cool and relaxed and like he just creates such a chill environment

and he's so funny like he speaks your language sometimes when you get on set you have to change you have to adapt to other people's vibes. And sometimes you get on and you realize that they're already speaking your language.

And Taika was like, boom. I can see that. Sudeikis and I were just totally flying by the second we started. So what did they actually use on set for Baby Yoda? Is it a doll that looks like it or is it – Yeah, well, they have a hero Yoda which was attached at the time to the bike so that they could animate – Ties it. Ties it or whatever.

Right, right. And then they also had a bag stuffed with it that like in case it opened. And then once we started punching the bag they like filled the bag with like newspaper because we were improvising like there was one scene where we were improvising was like it took it took a couple hits from suds mostly from that was like a therapy session mostly from suds yeah well he kept playing that it was like talking in the middle of him speaking did you did you know like what you know what baby yoda was gonna be you guys all kind of had a feeling like this is gonna be a fucking cultural i love star wars yeah you know

and so and i remember when favreau like i i had to do some other scenes in in the mandalorian because they're really they're really cool about it how they track their characters and my bike scout shows up a couple times if you go back and watch the series before that episode to track where baby yoda is and so i had to do those days on you know and shoot them because they don't it's like it's always you in that suit they're right then it's never just like all right no stormtrooper in there like yeah no you're shooting you're shooting so um i the first day was there without suds and had done my part, and I had a couple hours off. And Favreau was like, you want to say something cool?

And he walked me over and opened up this thing. And I got a full interaction with it. And I saw the guy operating it because there was a whole team. It's really cool. And then there's VFX with a lot of it. But I, because I like Star Wars, was like, oh, my god. Yoda has a baby? You know?

And I tried to keep it a secret but told everybody. I was going to say. I feel like you were in an inner circle. Of course. Yeah, I told my inner circle. And my inner circle, I don't think they got it as much. Because you don't...

Imagine someone said to you, Baby Yoda before Baby yoda you wouldn't you'd be like right it sounds like a punchline or something yeah so it is i mean literal but um fucking throwing a copyright on that baby yoda yeah dude i brought it the other day and they were like it exists i was like baby yoda already is copywritten oh yeah really yeah and they're like yes star wars and i was like oh right i didn't think star wars i thought that was the whole thing well they didn't do it i think they no i would never bring a copyright to an office so much work legwork i feel like they didn't they didn't and then they

once it was out they did they had i'm saying once i thought it was once it was out it was too out else grabbed it and it was just like it's like when you have when you find that someone owns your name as a website. Right. Yeah. That happens to me all the time. So, yeah, I totally get it. I remember it was happening when I was in high school. Like, people were like, when websites were becoming something that people were, like,

buying up other kids' websites. I have a buddy who's doing that right now with Bitcoins or Coinbase or whatever it is. Like, he's like, just brought it from the Midwest. That sounds legit. Yeah, that sounds legit. I have a friend. You probably know who this friend legit. Yeah, that sounds. I have a friend. You probably know who this friend is. Yeah, I can imagine.

I can imagine. I have a friend who was, I actually kind of respect this one. He was going around buying cities and years to try to like predict the Olympics. So he was like Johannesburg 2024 and just being like, if they land it, come get some. It's like, okay, dude. And he was just buying every combination of major cities. He was doing it willy-nilly. There was no beautiful mind equation to it.

He was trying, you know, this is like an emerging country. There's a big city here and there, like maybe in eight years. You are a fucking moron. Don't take Miami. Don't take anything outside of a communist country. If it's not in Russia or China, then it's not again. I feel like it's going back to Beijing already. China just had it.

We're going back to China. That seems a little unfair. Well. Yeah, let's see also. It's three years away or two years away now. We'll see what happens. So, Indented, you're not dealing with kids anymore now. I am dealing with kids.

No, I play a dad. I'm married to Abby Elliott, and we're pretty happy with our little slice of life in Connecticut. And then my parents, who are fun-loving baby boomers, go broke and have to move in with us. And your parents are Fran Drescher? Fran Drescher and Steven Weber. I mean, nanny, wings, like, bam. He's still an absolute weapon, huh? Yeah.

He's a murderer's row. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. No, it's great. Jesse Hodges is on it, who was on Barry. She plays my sister and is just so funny. Is that a pencil sharpener? No, I mean, perfect with kids.

It's a C. Oh, there you go. Doing the alphabet with Keegan today. Oh, okay, yeah. I was like, okay. I was like, perfect with kids. It's a C. Oh, there you go. Doing the alphabet with Keegan today. Oh, okay, yeah. I was like, okay. I was like, school shooter situation. Like the lowest rent version of Joker. Yeah, so I forgot what you asked me, but yes.

Sorry. Would you do that with your real parents? Say your real parents come now. Yeah, I mean, I would. Yeah, I mean, of course, because they're your parents. Like, when it boils down to it, that's the thing I like about the show. I don't know about this guy. I think, I mean, I love my parents, and I think I'd still tell them, come on, guys.

Well, like, at least you'd support them, right, if you could? Yeah, yeah. So, like, this is the version. I'd pay them to leave me alone. You'd pay them to leave. So this is a version of that, you know? Like, I think that you'd find a way to do it in a way as much as you have. Like, it would suck for my dad to live with me.

But, you know. You know what? I think if my parents came to live with me, they would be like, we'll be homeless instead. Yeah. I was going to say, the thought that they would turn to you, they'd be like, I, yeah. There's a million other options before you. They have other kids, but I also think you guys are discounting how difficult it is to be homeless. This guy definitely is.

He has a currently like a raging feud with a homeless man outside that he thinks is too smug. He thinks that he's better than him. It's the homeless guy. It's the homeless dude who makes his bed every day. It actually is a very impressively made bed. But he just runs around going, you think you're better than me, don't you? I think he's taunting me about it. You think that he knows you don't make your bed?

Yes. This is how low he thinks of himself. Everything this homeless man does. I see that every day. It's a tough target. It is. It's one of those things you walk by. Yeah, I walk by and I'm like, he fucking.

No. It's like a kick in the dick right before I walk into work. It's like, hey, this guy's got his... You want me to break it down for you? Yeah, I'd love to. It sounds like you're more upset with yourself. Oh, absolutely. Big time.

That's where this all stems from. Maybe make your own bed. First, throw out those sheets if you're not making them or washing them. If you're not making them, I got to ask how long you're going without washing them. No, that I'm actually pretty good with. What do you mean actually pretty good? He does it when his girlfriend comes. She visits from out of town.

Not like, oh, every other night. Like she comes every, what? Do you change your sheets? Two, three weeks. You changing your sheets twice a week? No. Twice a month. Twice a month. That's fucking gross.

No, it's not. It's disgusting. That's not that bad. It's gross. I mean, it could be way worse. It was way worse. Two weeks, is that bad? It could be the third rail of the one.

I need someone to come in here for me. No, listen. Two weeks isn't that bad. I'm with you. I don't think. I think both of you are disgusting. We understand where you fall on this one. I'm not shocked you guys don't have coronavirus.

It's like lying down. You're talking about lying down on the one, on the tracks of the one. I don't think. Here's what I would do. Where I've come from. Get new sheets, get two sets Get one to that homeless guy With a little bit of cash

And say hey You've inspired me to change my life I'm going to make my bed every day And wash my sheets once a week Once a week Only if you promise to stop making yours No no no It comes with conditions, My love is not unconditional.

Well. Nor is my money. That's not true love then. That's greed. No. Unconditional love is greedy. I want my love with conditions. What?

What if I fucking, if I go wrong, take your love back. Don't give me your love no matter what. Oh my God. What happened to you? He's broken. He's broken. Broken man. I think that's beautiful. Love is not a logical. Love should not be unconditional you? He's broken. He's broken. Broken, man. I think that's beautiful.

Love is not a logical. Love should not be unconditional. Love should be unconditional. Of course it is. No. Well, so, like, say your wife comes to you and is like, I murdered someone. You've got to hide the body. Just, like, no questions asked.

Ride or die. That's a conditional love. That's a legality that I'm not. Sounds like a loophole to me. No, it's not a loophole. I think that you've got to, like, that's not like a loophole to me. No, it's not a loophole. I think that you gotta... That's not something I signed on to originally. You can...

Of course, there are things that sway the way that you are viewed. I'm not saying that. Unconditional love is not that to me. If you're looking for unconditional love

to be like a pass for you to be an asshole and then be loved... That's what I think it is. That is not unconditional love. That's what I think unconditional love is. That is not. That is more about you. You're looking for... But I don't even want it. I That's what I think it is. That is not unconditional love. That's what I think unconditional love is. That is not. That is more about

you. You're looking for... But I don't even want it. I just think that's what it is. But that's not what it is. Unconditional love is someone that loves you when you're at your best because that's what they make you every day. Oh, I love people at their best. Yeah, but no, no. I thought unconditional love was something I loved at your worst. Yes. But one of my worst is that I murdered someone. But see,

that's different. To me, that has no... You can't put that on love because now you're changing the – it's like being like, well, what if I'm playing basketball in a volleyball game? You're murdering someone. You know what I mean? Like you can't do that. You can't murder someone. No. You know, it's like there are certain – yeah.

That's like being like, what if my house is a car what if the way i know what if your house is the way you tasted hot dogs i don't know what what if you murdered someone hey you know i'd be like yeah we gotta fucking talk about this you know did i like is it was it a problem was the guy bothering you right did he do something did you kill him because he did something then yeah let's set it up and make sure you're okay. We'll hide that body. Yeah. But is it like, hey, I... He makes his bed and I don't like him. Yeah, it's like, hey, I was helping this homeless guy and this Irish-looking motherfucker came over and said, don't help him.

He makes me feel like shit. And I freaked out and I stabbed him. I'd be like, yeah, we got to hide this body. so you mentioned uh like you know getting older and kind of aging appropriately with your career and because i do think of you know all the the appearances like late night appearances you're always in costume or doing something crazy are you are you no no from that now no no no i i i love to do that stuff a lot of that stuff is based on when they'll have you. You know? So I would love to do that stuff more.

I try to pick my spots on it and not, like, overdo it or, you know, let it go too long. I just, like, would like to do – I don't think there are rules. I feel like it used to be when I was coming up, like, you had to be really defined as to, like, what type of actor you are, what kind of thing you do. And I feel like I just kind of want to uh uh do as much as i can before i die young you know i feel like coming yeah what are we talking like that can mean a lot of things i don't know i mean i just like i recently read that about kobe that like kobe used to tell people like tracy mcgrady said that after that kobe used to tell people all the time that he was gonna like die young.

And I empathized with that a little. You felt it. Yeah. Not because anything's wrong. So are you talking like in the next 10 years? Health-wise, probably. Oh, man. This is pretty bleak.

That's the day. Got to live life every day. It's a death sentence to be so depressed. If you want to kick it right when you walk outside, we get last interview, that would interview that would be great no no i would never give that to you guys we don't we honestly we don't deserve that would be so sad we really don't deserve that would be so sad no obviously i'm kidding yeah i'm happy i'm kidding enough for it not to be national news i just wrote a blog today about aging. You're feeling it. Yeah, for the first time.

You got some grades in the team. Yeah, I got some grades. I'm 35 now. I'm divorced. I got two kids. I'm sorry. Everyone else in my life is kind of in the same boat. Still married, but we're just older. Sure.

It's kind of boring or different or whatever. But I said in the blog that all these things that I said I would never do or never be, I'm realizing that's what happens. You kind of become these things or change into these things. A lot of times, yeah. But I feel like I found a line. And my buddy at dinner the other day told me he's wearing Spanx now. I wear Spanx.

Do you wear Spanx? Yeah. Because I was going to say, I could see you being – When he told me about it, I was like, I'd see – I'm not wearing them now. You, I expected – I have to expect you to be like me right now. I'm not wearing them now. But I could see you being a Spanx guy.

Yeah. Like in your everyday life? I think they're Kims. I'm more of a Kims. I'm more of a Kims guy. No, I – Like red carpets and shit? Yeah, or just like stuff – like there are certain things that like a suit sometimes is form-fitting, you know.

I've been wearing a lot of double breasters lately. Oh, look at you. You got to be form-fitted for I've been wearing a lot of double-breasters lately. You gotta be form-fitted for that. And I'm a dad. I'm in a better shape than I've been, but I'm dad-botted. I know my strengths and weakness. Kanye wears Spanx.

Infamous Spankwear. You don't think he was wearing the super lowest Spanx underneath that leather get-up the other night? Are you doing ones that's like nipple to like knees? No, I'm doing wife beater style. Okay. Oh, are you?

All right. I'm sorry about that term. I'm sorry about that term. It's a tough term. I feel like that's different. I said it because that's how I was raised. I'm from a different time. It is funny that that just is like a term.

I meant a tank top. A mob boss undershirt. Not better. That was like the fashionable thing. My mom used to get so mad at me. Why are you so mad about what a shirt's called? Yeah, but it's... I realized it.

As I said, I just want to apologize. My kids have been wearing them recently in the winter as a little undershirt. I start laughing and being like, I could kick it in a wife beater. Shouldn't be talking about a two-year-old. Yeah, it's a tough thing. I think the shirt's different than my buddy's wearing the one-piece underwear. Where he pisses through a hole?

I guess. I don't even know how these things work. I don't even know how you put it on. It must be inside his body. It's got a pouch. Oh, no. Yeah, right? That's a bit much.

Why do you need it on your legs? It's almost like boxer shorts. You must have, like, real sequoias. I've seen it, and I think it's just because they wanted to get the love handles in so tight. It needs, like, the extra almost like an anchor. Yeah, an anchor. That's too much. Yeah, I don't know what fucks with that.

That's right. Yeah, no. You still in the sneaker game? Yeah, I don't know what fucks with that. That's right. Yeah, no. You still in the sneaker game? Yeah, I'm in the sneaker game for sure. I've transferred it to my kids. Yeah. See, I haven't quite done that because I don't have that money yet. I mean, they grow out of it in like 25 seconds.

I know, it sucks. It's really annoying. But my son, but it's a nice goal. Like, I've been able to use it as a, like, allowance type deal where it's like i will take you to get a pair if this happens and this happens yeah which is the most important thing as a parent yeah it really is i mean anybody who acts like they're above that yeah no you need a good carrot the only reason i ever did like anything was you know i distinctly capitalism my i distinctly remember uh i was like phoning it in so bad at my bar mitzvah

and the rabbi was so pissed because I just didn't care that my mother took me to the record store bought me Nevermind which I was begging for and then put it in her purse and said you'll get it after you give a shit

and guess what? you gave a shit nailed that bar mitzvah got that cassette wore it out and guess what you gave a shit fucking nailed that bar mitzvah nailed that fucking bar mitzvah got that cassette wore it out like you know

that's that like I think it's okay to do that so I use it as that because he grows out of them so quickly that we try to keep it

like paced but yeah I'm in the sneaker game only a little I honestly I wear all my

sneakers I sold a lot of my Yeezys or gave them away. Do you go through selling them? I don't usually sell them. I don't keep the boxes. So I wear them and then I have a friend who has a vintage store that sells them. I just don't – I stop wearing the yeezys because they're just i just not into the that yeah right now i love him but i'm not don't want to like represent it right now yeah

uh and um uh so that always makes me think like i think you said it with you i've never sold a pair and i've always been like this is going to be such a hassle it is by the time you ship it i never got into it yeah i mean either if you sell direct even, you got to ship it and you can't get that much if they're worn anyway. And all of a sudden, I'm like carrying boxes to the store and I get like $40. I also like, I suffered from a bit of like, I don't know if it's OCD or something, but like in the, like I have a hard time picking what I want because I'm lucky enough to have a lot of stuff.

So like when I open up my closet, it's like I, I sometimes get like, I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what I want because I'm lucky enough to have a lot of stuff. So when I open up my closet, I sometimes get like, I don't know what I want to do. So I'm trying lately to really keep it lean and just have stuff that I really, really wear. So you feel working on it. I feel the same way, but I'm like, well, I'm going away. I better bring six bags. Well, that's different. Yeah, but that's okay. I think you're allowed to do that because you're in extensive circumstances.

My problem is the every day of it, you know, where it's just like even waking up in the morning to take the kids to school. I'm like, should I wear it? Yeah. It's like no one's even going to fucking see these, man. Yeah. Also, then I feel guilty. It's like I have so much stuff I've never worn that I should wear. It's like I don't want to deal with any of those thoughts in the morning because it clouds my whole vibe and stuff.

I'm like weighed down by it. So I just kind of want to know what i like have a couple of them have the really nice version of it right right no it makes perfect sense uh so i'm working it's funny when you like this makes sense to me and if you're not a sneaker person listening to this you're like what the fuck are you talking about just put your sneakers on and go dude it stands for consumerism too you know for for for outfits or for food or whatever you know i'm trying to just kind of like watch my consumption and intake i mean i still like i ordered a hoodie the other day online uh that was like ridiculous i didn't need to buy it yeah but i bought it uh and it came to the

house and i got that good feeling of opening up the box yeah that dopamine rush yeah yeah you still gonna drink milk yeah uh yeah i'm milking after joaquin stop you know i mean i'm not a big milk i'm not a big milk drinker anyway but um no i haven't done the proper food research yet that i that i should be doing um but i also have three kids and i'm like survival mode i'm just trying to get by um gallons of milk sorry but like i know that almond milk is not a great other option so i cut back on that because I'd like to have my caps with almond milk. But I'm moving away from that. I'm trying to go more black coffee.

So, yeah, I try not to be a cynic about it. I try not to hear that speech and be like, no more milk. I try to be like, what's he talking about? And if it is ridiculous, the cries of the calf or whatever, I'm able to be like, all right. It's probably a good way to be. I was at a steak restaurant the other night. It's what it is. I'm doing my best.

Right. You're getting that sitcom money now, too, though mean yeah this one i feel like uh pulling in for andresher like i mean you know you get the nanny and the and wings from that like demo and that era and i mean i remember it very fondly and i'm sure my parents do and uh yeah and it only gets better you know it's like uh launching a a show is challenging because you really are learning about everybody, and it takes, like, a season to, like, come together, and I think we found it really quickly. And I love the show. I mean, like, I like multicam sitcoms.

It's interesting. It's like every time I post about Indebted, I get a comment that's like, I hate a laugh track. I hate laugh track. And most of the time I'm like, do you? Do you like stand-up specials? Right. You like stand-up comedy? You do like stand-up comedy. You love Amy Schumer's special? Do you know that every time she says a joke, the crowd

roars with laughter? There's no laugh track. We perform it in front of an audience. And they laugh. And that's what goes in the show. And that's what's so nice about a multicam. Do you like Saturday Night Live? There's a fucking laugh track. It's not someone pressing play.

It's in front of an audience. There's people who are laughing. There's people who are laughing. And I love those shows, like Friends, Frasier, Seinfeld, Cosby Show, The Waynes Brothers. Like, those are, Fresh Prince, those are some of my favorite television experiences. Because it's so much about the actor. Like, if you, I was, I've been re-watching Fresh Prince with my son recently. And Will Smith is so good in Fresh Prince.

It's such an amazing performance. So lively and funny. And, like, he's, like, busting through the screen. And, you know, it's such an amazing performance, so lively and funny, and he's busting through the screen, and it's great. Yeah, yeah. It's great. It's one of a kind. How stressful is that, doing that in front of a live audience?

If it doesn't work, it's probably not even on you, but it's still- It's stressful, but it's no different than shooting a movie or being on a stage on Broadway or something. You just do it. Well, the movie I can see. I mean, the movie at least it's like, all right, that didn't work. Let's rework it. If that didn't work, it's like. Yeah, but that didn't work, let's rework it is one of the most stressful situations you've ever been in in your life.

Really? Yeah, you get to set and there's a scene that, I mean, I don't deal with this because. I find my way through most scenes. No, like if you get to set and let's say you do the rehearsal and it's terrible, it doesn't make any sense, or it's funny, it's not supposed to be funny, and it's, you know, funny, or it is supposed to be funny, it's terrible, it's not funny. You instantly as an actor, you're like, is it me?

Did I do that? So think of the way you get dressed in the morning. Now think of that. You're like, you have all these people. Then if it's like a big budget movie and you have movie stars looking at you and the day is going by and you only have like six hours outside, you're like, holy shit, we've got to get this right. And then they go, we're going to take ten minutes,

we're all going to go talk in the back. And you've got to be like, okay, cool. I'm going to go kill myself. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Then they come back and they go, you know what?

We're going to scrap it today. Go home. We're going to rewrite it. And then you don't hear from them for a week. Movies are brutal. Jesus Christ. This is awful. Everything is brutal.

That's the worst case scenario, but everything is brutal. Work and life is awful. You know, anxiety. God damn. Everything is brutal. You know, that's worst case scenario, but like everything is brutal. You just like, like work and life is brutal. It's just like you got to find your way through it. Yeah, but that sounds, I mean, no wonder LA is fucked up. Yeah, some parts of it are. But I mean, some people would be like, you come to the, you come to this office every day and broadcast next to what smells like a sewage pump outside. And you're on live television and record.

It's not good. It's like this is high stress for some people. Yeah. It is for us, too. What's stressful for me is you coming in here and talking about how bad it smells. Now I'm fucking stressed. Get out of here, Adam. Get the fuck out of here.

Well, and look, I also did bring the health inspector. My cousin. We got to put the C on the cousin. When you said two birds once down I was like whatever whatever you wanna do well thanks for coming in man Indebted is on NBC

what night is it? Thursday night 9.30 after Will and Grace great stuff check it out man thank you yeah it's awesome thanks for having me

of course thanks for ruining our office again I feel like it's my job now look at what you see. In her face. The mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere.

Give it in the light. Written on the pages is the answer to a never ending story I reach the stars lie a fantasy

dream and what you see will be Climbing in their sacred sphere A boat behind a cloud And there upon a rainbow is The answer to a never ending story Story