KFC Radio - Whitney Cummings, Jim Breuer, and Nearly Being Murdered on the Subway

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

Whitney Cummings drops by to talk about her new special Can I Touch It, how to get on the dating app Raya, how she found out she has nipples like Asa Akira, porn trailers, sex robots on Tinder, and anthropomorphism. Jim Breuer returns for the 1st time since 2015 to discuss if the Mets can make another miracle run. KFC almost got thrown onto the train tracks and crushed by a moving train. The worst 1st date ever. Am I The Asshole: for not adopting my step-daughter. Voicemails: Porn Background, Farting at the Urinal, Should I Pay Taxes, Swap Lives with a Woman.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio brought to you by New Amsterdam Vodka. Shout out to the Spitting Chicklets guys. They officially are bottling and selling the Pink Whitney. So, pre-mixed, a little pink vodka and lemonade. It's been in the works for so long. I remember during the fucking Stanley Cup, the sales kept being like, you can't talk about it. It's just a drink already. We're not just going to put it into a bottle.

It's sick, though. I just mean, we're not spoiling anything. We talk about Pink Whitney's, but we're not telling people they're in a bottle. Right, right. It's got such a fucking cool, like, bottling. The New Amsterdam bottle is already cool,

like, as it is. It looks like a skyscraper kind of, and then they have the black sticker with the pink, the Chiclets logo has been turned into,

like, a pink logo. Very fire. The picture's with, like, the cocktail glass right next to it. That's, to me, I feel like that's some bucket list shit.

To start your own drink? Yeah, I've always wanted a sandwich named after me at a deli, and I think having a drink named after you at a bar or for fucking mass consumption is absolutely unbelievable. Yeah, that's not even just going to be available on Barstool Sports. I doubt it will be available on Barstool Sports. No, it's like starting in Canada first and making its way to the U.S. It's like they're having a whole rollout.

Canada's had quite a come up. Getting drinks first? I mean, Jesus, that's the last step of being in the country. I mean, you know, I understand. Yeah, sure, England still owns you and all that, but the rest of it's cool. I get, like, you know, hockey and Canada, but, like, Ryan Whitney, like, right? You got to. Yeah, start in Boston first.

Right, come on. I actually might have made up gotta start in Boston first right come on I actually might have made up the whole in Canada first thing yeah maybe tell me something about Canada it's gonna be available

in Canada I don't know whether first or second so if it is if it's second I apologize if it's first what the fuck Whitney

September launch date September you can get yourself pink Whitney in the bottle we're still first what's that we're first US first okay sorry Whitney that all We're first. U.S. first.

Okay. Sorry, Whitney. That all makes sense. Never mind. Everything checks out. Fuck you, Canada. You get it second. England still owns you.

We get our new Amsterdam here first. So go get yourself some Pink Whitney. And if you can't wait until September, you can go just make it. Get yourself some pink lemonade. Get some vodka. Mix up yourself with Pink Whitney all on your own. We got a big episode. We got Whitney Cummings.

She's parading around town with a sex robot. We're going to talk all about that, plus her new special. And I'm sure there will be some spirited debate about men and women and the way each of us behave. We also have Jim Brewer on the show, which is perfect timing because he is the ultimate positive Mets fan. And Mets fans are stuck in this weird spot where, you know, we hate the team, but we love the players. We hate the franchise, but we want to win.

They're good. They're bad. We don't know. They're on a hot streak where they're playing bad teams. Jim Brewer is here to tell us what's what and how it's all going to go down. First, I almost died today. Go on. The closest I've ever been to dying today, this morning.

How? On the subway. It finally happened. I finally almost got ever been to dying. Today. This morning. How? On the subway. It finally happened. I finally almost got pushed in front of a train. I've been riding the subway. What were you wearing? What was I wearing? What I'm wearing right now.

Yeah, you're asking for it. I've got a pair of jeans and a green shirt on. Long-sleeved shirt in the subway. You're asking for it. It's so light, though. It's our sponsor, Freefly. It's a nice shirt. It's like you're not even wearing anything. It doesn't matter that it's long-sleeved. It's so light, though. It's our sponsor, Freefly. It's a nice shirt. It's like you're not even wearing anything.

It doesn't matter that it's long sleeve. It's so light. I have ridden the subway my whole life. I'm a subway. You're a subway guy. Most newcomers are not subway guys. Half this fucking company won't take the subway. I hate not taking the subway.

Drives me insane. When we used to go up to Sirius, and it was like two stops on the R, or we had to get an Uber, loop down and around up the avenue this way, one way, and take like 30 minutes to go 20 blocks and it would cost us like $20 a pop. I hate that.

Drives me crazy. Yeah, that was all on you too. What do you mean? Like no one else had subway cards so you had to pay for it. Yeah, and then I would have to swipe every single... It actually cost me more money than the fucking Uber because I was like, swipe, swipe, swipe. I was like a parent on a chaperoning school trip. Which, by the way, is the most stressed out I ever get in New York City. The swipe?

No, fuck, no, no, no. Seeing, like, school trips. I quit. I quit before I take any kids anywhere here. I was on... Everyone's, like, holding hands and shit. I'm like, you're going to lose one of these fucking kids. Absolutely.

There's no doubt about that. I was on a car the other day that was.... I'm like, you're going to lose one of these fucking cars. Absolutely. There's no doubt about that. I was on a car the other day that was it was like me, two other regular people, and then a whole car of children. And I was like uh. Wow. This fucking place.

I consider myself the luckiest man. Man, man, man. It's a slow test, man. Gotta speed this test up, bro. I'm surprised this hasn't happened before. Me too. I guess we're, you know, what are the chances? That's the theme of this story right here, because I've been riding the subway for my entire life probably well no i mean since i was let's call it like 15 right it's like half my life 20 years now on the subway thousands of rides and it's always in the back of my head

it's always lurking because it really is something that i think should happen more often yeah when you think about the number of people in the city, the number of people taking the subway, the number of fucking weirdos, and the pervasive feeling of misery and violence and destruction that everyone hates their lives here, you think that there would be some more frustrating, like, I'm just going to kill somebody today. And it's just so easy. It's a great testament to humanity, the fact that it doesn't happen. It kind of is. You don't have to go buy a gun. You don't have to get a weapon. You don't have to carry out a plot. You can just have a moment

of anger and just fucking kill someone. Go house of cards on them. Just spin them. Push them. They're dead. So yeah, it's one of those things. I'm always surprised that the world just agrees to stop at red lights. Just like serial killers, crazy people, everyone's just like, no.

When the red is light, you stop. And then the only reason that, like, the entire traffic system works is because people just agree to do that. People just agree we're not going to push each other on fucking tracks every single day. It happens a couple times a year, though. It does happen enough. I was looking at some of the numbers. 50 people died in 2016. Now, not, like, getting pushed.

They just fall. They're drunk, whatever it may be. And it was the lowest total in five years. I think that's a lot. That's, not like getting pushed. They just fall. They're drunk, whatever it may be. And it was the lowest total in five years. I think that's a lot. That's like a couple, that's what? Like four a month? Yeah, four a month. One a week? I mean, that's a lot

in my mind. And they were like, go MTA! It's our lowest total in five years. There was one time on the blog, it was like a summer, you know when it gets hot in the city and temperatures hit above 90 and everyone just starts killing each other and shit, weird stuff starts happening? I was blogging a subway death like twice a week. It's like everybody needs to chill the fuck out. It was probably that year.

Anyway, it's always in the back of my head, but I don't really expect it at this point. Thousands of times, zero times dead, you know? So I, when I transfer at the S, I go to the one and I know that the exit to get out on 28th street to the office is on the other side of the platform. So I get down and then I got to make my way through the whole platform to the end. Cause I want to just wait right there and just pop off and go, you know? And so I'm like bobbing and weaving through all these people just standing there waiting and i don't have a problem walking on the yellow line i just i'll i go in if i can if they're definitely asking for this yeah yeah so nobody else walks on the yellow line everyone it's it's

a it's a it's like driving on the shoulder. It's like, I'm just going to fucking go, you know? But I'm bobbing in, I'm weaving out, and I see this guy coming at me. And he's a yellow line walker too. And he is a scary looking fella. He's like walking with his arms out. Not homeless, but rugged. And he is wearing a too big, too strong, too fast, too American barstool tank top. Well, I'm glad you clarified not homeless.

Fuck. Huh? I'm glad you clarified not homeless. No, he might be homeless. I don't know. Yeah, he's wearing our gear, but he was not an upstanding member of society. And I look at him. He's all stoolies. Well, and that's what's funny is i looked at him there was enough time uh like i saw him like as i was making

some moves in traffic and he was making some moves but i saw him and i was like god damn you know like the barstool reach like that's a that's a tank top that you know you'd expect only stoolies or frat boys or whatever in our demo to be wearing. And somehow, you know, he got this link. It got outside our bubble. I was like, God damn. And Barstool's doing some things. We're just, we're, we're clothing all sorts of people. And then we're on this crash course and we get close to each other.

Cause it was like, like I was going to try to avoid him, but I went in and then popped out and he was still there. It was like, oh fuck. And he just does like this pump fake like he kind of like does a pump fake to grab me and push me and goes do you want to die do you want to die and like pretends to shove me and i was so fucking scared was the train coming oh yeah i would have definitely got hit by the one train now it's like slowing down as i pulled in but it probably would have been enough to kill me yeah yeah it wasn't you know it wasn't like a fucking commuter train where it would have been like hit by the one train. It was slowing down as it pulled in, but it probably would have been enough to kill me. Yeah. It wasn't like a fucking commuter train where it would have been like, pow, splattered,

but it would have rolled over me and I would have been a grisly death. Which, by the way, I was coming back from Long Island from Pop Punk, and a commuter train came by without stopping. No wonder Kirk didn't jump in front of that thing. That was terrifying. You've got to really want to kill yourself. When you see that thing coming. Oh, I was. You have a conversation with yourself real quick.

Yeah, Kirk was like, wow, it's not that bad. Am I just a little under the weather right now? Is WEI pissing me off, or do I want to get splattered all over the fucking track? I was like, I've made a lot of suicidal annotations for a while, but nope. Nope, not for me. Nope, not going to do that. that he goes do you want to die and just that and i just quickly like dart left and i actually got like around a girl too there was one girl who probably like like nobody else even noticed like no one nobody even cared but

there was one girl who's like in between us who went like whoa and like jumped back but i went even further back than her so that if someone was gonna grab anybody it was gonna be that girl she was like like i i he she went in i just went further in i was putting a body between me and that guy in case he really wanted you know some blood i think he just wanted to like the yellow line was his i don't think he's looking to kill me but but if he came down he was if he came down to it it was gonna be her not me because i was like i kind of did like did you say you can turn around after that no i saw i as i i darted and i moved and i just said dude that is not funny and my heart though was like and i just

kept walking and i thought to myself what's up what kind of life insurance do you have probably not good probably not good enough for that. I thought to myself, this is going to be a great blog. It's going to be a great story. A picture or video of this guy would really take it to the next level. But I wasn't fucking with that guy. Oh, you were driving yourself? Yeah, I was not going back near that guy.

The train was there, so I was like, I'm just getting on this train and going the fuck to work but it would have been an all-timer for you guys to see this dude wearing the barstool tank top who almost fucking murdered that could you imagine could you imagine if he murdered me and like let's say by some chance the subway like platform decided to be like good samaritans and like arrest this guy you know what i mean like hold on to him till the cops got there and then it was like oh kfc for barstool got murdered and like the picture of the guy who did it was wearing a Barstool tank top. It would have been incredible. It would have been poetic. It would have actually, that's kind of the way I want to go.

We would have thought you faked your death. I would have thought you faked your death for clicks. Just to get the name out there and be like, he disappeared. He's not coming back, but he's alive. It would be like Kevin Clancy and John Lennon, just murdered by super fans. That's pretty cool. Pretty cool, if you're asking me. People who just loved you so much they couldn't have you.

Yeah, like I just love you so much the world doesn't deserve you and, you know, you're going. I did have also a quick thought as I rode the train the rest of the way to work. If I didn't have kids if I didn't have kids if you threw me to the tracks I would like to try to fake my death there. Like you roll back under and you go under the platform and then like everyone thinks you're dead maybe.

Probably not because you'd see like guts and shit like that but I definitely had visions of like faking my death and like escaping and having a new identity. Let's say you get so you get thrown out of the subway.

What's your move? Are you under the train? You got to go under the platform. Or you go over the third rail and get in the middle. Yeah, that's... You got to really make sure you get over the third rail. I mean, it's not... The fear of the third rail is one of the wildest fears in my life.

You just step over. It's a rail. Yeah, but you're stepping on. You don't know what you're stepping onto. What if you step onto something that you think is sturdy and it's like a 200-year-old piece of the subway platform and it breaks and you're stumbling all of a sudden? You don't want to go near the thing that can electrify you. I feel like it's mostly rocks and stuff over there. Yeah, but who knows if that's sturdy?

I don't know. And who knows where the electrocution starts and stops? Probably the metal. You know that big thing, but I don't know. What if there's something on the ground that's holding it up that's electrified, too? I don't think there is. I don't know. I think it's just the rail.

I ain't willing to risk it. I mean, look. Let's go down there and play on it, John. It's definitely option three, but I'm also confident that if a back roll. Would you jump or would you step? If you're watching on Barstool Gold now, barstoolgold.com. Would you do like a. Like that.

Yeah, definitely. You got to make sure you get the height, though. I'm just telling you. I think I get it. It's a rail. I would try over the third rail before I tried laying under the subway. I'm convinced that's just a movie. That's like, you know, these people in Russia who, like, walk along the fucking top, you know.

It's like, just walk. Just sit there. All you're doing is sitting there. Would you do that? No. Well, it's the same fucking thing. No, it's a different thing. There's wind and shit.

Stop. What do you mean stop? On top of a skyscraper, there's a lot of wind. If I told you there was perfectly no wind that day, you still wouldn't do that. A gust could come. I guaranteed you there was no wind. You still wouldn't just sit on the edge. You can't guarantee me that. You can't guarantee me that. You can't guarantee

me that you know everything about the third rail. If you could guarantee me that something wouldn't surprise push me, yeah, I would. Some mythical force. Not mythical force, but some actual force. So you're worried about the wind there, not just like, oh my god, I can't believe I'm all the way up here. I would be nervous to be up there, but I wouldn't be as...

There would be just that height, that vertigo type sense. Like, I'm worried about, like, if I was just standing on the edge and it was just, just go ahead and sit down. Just, like, sit yourself down. I'd be worried, like, about myself. Yeah. I'd do it wrong and I'd fall fucking off. I would for sure be worried. Wind or no wind.

The wind is the main one. I'd definitely be worried. I don't trust myself over the fucking wind. Oh, God damn it. But, yeah, that's, have i ever talked about my idea for the book of the guy who fakes his death at 9-11 yeah no it's a good idea like this guy you know let's say he's either got some gambling debt or some family problems or something and he works downtown and he's supposed to be in the towers that day. He works, let's say, at Cantor Fitzgerald or some shit like

that. For whatever reason, he wasn't in his office that day, but everyone thought he was. He has the chance to just say he was dead in 9-11 and go erase his life and start a new one. That's the beginning premise. That's the thing. I bet you some people did that.

Imagine if you had gambling debt and you could play the card of like, oh, dude, hey, Jimmy Bag of Donuts, he ain't going to pay you. He works in one world trade. He's dead. How hard do you think it would be? I think what you would do is you got to pop a tooth out and throw it in. No, because so many people would.

I know, I know. But it would be nice to have confirmation almost. I'm talking about more the realistic sense of getting out of your apartment. You've got to go getting your money. Is that a plan that's possible to do? What do you mean? Oh, like insurance money? No, no, no, just the money in your bank account.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right. You can't use your credit card. You can't use your debit card. Right, so that would be part of the look. You've got to get yourself a new identity somehow without spending any money. You can't have anything be suspicious. But if you truly needed to just like start fresh, that would have been the time to do it. I think because you can't even hire anyone.

That's step one I don't make it past. I know. I'd be like, all right, here we go. I'm like, get an Uber. Damn it! That would be terrible. Swipe my credit card. Oh, I can't take that one back.

I wouldn't make it six blocks. I'd be like, I need some clothes. I got to get to my apartment. I'm hungry. Got a lot of dust in my throat. He's a smart water right now. That's where my willpower stops. Look, you got a new lease on life.

You don't have the mob after you anymore. You don't have a wife anymore. You can get the fuck out of Dodge, man. You can move out to Atlanta and have a five-bedroom house for $300 a month. But I need a water. I want a bagel. Breakfast time. I mean, I can't go.

I can't start this journey on an empty stomach. I would fake my own death like kids run away from home where you come back and your parents didn't even realize you were gone. Yeah. They're like, guess who's still alive? They're like, oh, aren't you? It's been 20 minutes. That's when you're supposed to come home from school, dude. I thought you were just in the bathroom like, guess who's still alive? They're like, oh, aren't you, it's been 20 minutes. Yeah,

that's when you're supposed to come home. I'm at school, dude. I thought you were just in the bathroom or something. What's up?

I think you just have to toss your wallet and your phone to take away that temptation. Even though you can get all that stuff back somehow.

if I toss my wallet and my phone, all that's going to happen is in 15 minutes I'm looking for my fucking wallet and phone in a pile of rubber. It's like,

leave him! There's no, he can't save it. I'm like, it's not a person! It's my phone! I changed my mind! I'm looking for my fucking wall phone in a pile of rubble. It's like, leave him. There's no way you can't save him. I'm like, it's not a person. It's my phone. I changed my mind. I'm bored.

I need Twitter. It would be impossible. The habit of my aunt. Someone found my aunt's cell phone at World Trade Center. At 9-11? Yeah, at 9-11. Oh, I was just talking in general about like emails. Even just trying to fake your death now, specifically 9-11. She wasn I was just talking in general about, like, even just trying to fake your death now. Specifically 9-11 is... Yeah, she wasn't faking her death.

Yeah. Well, as far as you know. Maybe she was like, fuck, someone returned my phone to me. God damn it. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. All right. Six months later, like, guess what, guys? I'm good.

Don't... So that's my story. I'll retire off that one one day. My book. And, uh... Are you happy I didn't die, John? Kind of like, eh i don't know i mean i mean i mean who would read these ads i think of everything in context you want me to read that i'll read that fuck you see you don't let me read you're like a wife

go ahead i'm like you want me to do this like no no i'm doing the dishes tonight so i can hold it over your head am i the asshole am i the asshole brought to you by oh it's brought to our friends brought to you by our friends over it's what we're brought to you by our friends over at let's go as soon as your voice kind of cracked i was like he's gonna do the ad read in the irish accent he's gonna be the leprechaun john feidelberg doesn't read the ads but a let's go fella this little guy this irish lad let's go it's the fastest growing mobile marketplace to buy and sell locally local i'm i'm a i'm a recent local but i love it here very fun yeah some of the little swedish there yeah some of the folks on the subway they're crazy lads but you know too big too strong too american i like the irish folk but you know if

you're looking to sell let go liz gives you the opportunity to turn unused items into experiences. If you're looking to buy, Letgo gives you access to a lifestyle that the otherwise couldn't afford. You know, perhaps murderous fellas down in the subway, you sell a few things on Letgo, you take the Uber here. Bit safer, yeah. Letgo is a go-to place to help

you get through life changes such as moving back to moving slash back to school, new parents, newlyweds, whichever it is you are. You can find a couple spare shillings, I imagine, is what I use back home. You are a spectacular idiot. You are such a doofus. If you're moving, if you are just looking to get some more space in your apartment, unload some things you don't use, old sneakers, old furniture. Maybe you're moving into town and you don't want to pay full price. You want to just grab a table and chairs from your neighbor,

whatever it may be. You can find everyone nearby that's looking to unload some stuff that you might value, get it at a cheap price, and meet up, get yourself a whole new wardrobe, a whole new living room, whatever it may be. If you're on the lookout for it, LetGo has it. So download LetGo now and start to make a little bit of side cash, start to clear out some space,

and start to get rid of anything that's cluttering up your apartment, your girlfriend's yelling at you, get rid of this, or your boyfriend's telling you you've got too many shoes. Whatever it may be, you can sell on LetGo. Download the LetGo app and start making that money today. Am I the asshole? You know what? No. Should we do Am I the Asshole or should we do Worst First Date Ever?

Are you ready for Worst First Date Ever? Do you need a segment in between? Because Worst First Date Ever is a fucking doozy. Damn. Oh, boy. Let's go's go let's dive right into it energy right now right worst first date ever we've done a lot of voicemails and questions and submissions over the years like oh i like threw up on the first date or like oh my my mom and my dad embarrassed me on the first date you're not gonna beat this beat this one. You're not going to beat this one. Buckle up, folks. I don't remember all the details, so why don't you tell it?

Sure. I'll handle this one. I'm going to get serious voice for a moment. Right now you've got to play the SportsCenter soft music. Obviously, horrible tragedies this weekend in El Paso and Toledo. But one of them in Dayton, which is the real place it happened, Dayton, the shooter Connor Betts is a psychopath, obviously, and they've been talking to all of his high school friends

and people like that in the news. And no one is surprised by him doing this. I think in high school he had a kill list for guys. Sometimes there's like a, oh, there's a boy next door and nobody suspected it. This is not one of those times. Everyone's like, yeah, we knew. We had a very strong inkling that this one was coming. And all that is awful.

And then the most awful thing, if you ask me, is that they asked an ex-girlfriend of his if she was surprised by this. She says, I was not surprised. On our very first date, he showed me footage, video, of the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting. Tree of Life, I believe it was called. And I was like, holy shit, that's fucking...

That's a quick way to end a date. Quick way to end a relationship, right? Right, 100%. Has to be. She went on to date this man for months. If you date this guy for months after on date one, you are being shown mass shooting footage? Lock her up.

Yo, absolutely lock her up. Like, for real, like, everyone's talking about with this guy, you missed the signs. Like, ah. She's like an accomplice. She just put her, she's like, I got signs, too. I dated the guy for months after the appetizers came I'm sure I bet he led with this Like most people are like

Oh so do you like dogs? Do you have a dog? What's his name? He's like so what do you think of this? Mass shooting She's next She's gonna pick up the gun and do it Everyone say oh we should have known We should have seen this

Sign sign everywhere a sign There's a sign that she should be Everyone say, oh, we should have known. We should have seen this. Sign. Sign. Everywhere a sign. There's a sign that she should be. If you see something, say something. If you see footage of the mass shooting on the first date, say something. And if you don't do anything, then I'm going to say something because what I just saw is someone went on a first date, saw a shooting of a mass shooting, and didn't say anything. I mean, that's – you got to – the feds have to talk to this girl. That's just a fact. percent man what is there are people who end like first dates like

you know he uh he holds his knife and fork wrong i couldn't do it yeah there are guys who you know you talk with food in your mouth that you're out you're out you ask you ask uh you know too personal of a question or you say you say uh yeah even if you do get political like you know you know i'm a big trump fan or something that people like oh you know what that's it done you show footage and i'm sure it wasn't in a way of like oh my god can you believe did you see on the news today this was so sad i'm sure it was like did you see his technique did you see the way he like flanked the fucking synagogue yeah this this was more of uh it's like me showing tom brady highlights yeah yeah like check out this person which is something you would do.

You would do. You definitely do. Hey, remember, remember that fucking pass on fourth and three to Amidola when the pass were down 28, three, they don't convert that fourth down. They don't come back. That's, that's the kind of cause that's the, how he talked about this. I, and to think that she was like, all right, I'll still go home with him. I'll see him again.

A couple months. Months. I was stunned when I saw that. A couple months they dated for. What else do you think? Like if date one is showing footage, date like 10 has got to be like you practiced with him. We talked about that. You game planned with him.

Jesus Christ. We talked about that a lot with like like I always remember one of the more famous calls in my mind to me is someone called in, I forget if it was a woman or a man, but their significant other, they were moving into their significant other and their

significant other was hanging a painting that they didn't like. And they were like, I really hate this painting, but she loves it. We'll say it to you the fact that these are the comparisons and you were like what bring over there i i was like i was like that picture yeah is going to be a symbol yes for your relationship for what bothers you and how it can never you'll never be able to get out of your head and eventually that will voice your opinion that will tear you down i do remember this now yeah and i think how can

you ever get this out of your head how did it take months for this to fest how he has sex with that guy to metastasize into a cancerous form cancerous tumor that eventually ended the relationship can you imagine blowing that guy like you're servicing him being like and just in the back of your head the whole time like this guy he probably likes this blow job not nearly as much as like that synagogue shooting yeah this this isn't nearly the best thing going through his mind no he's probably thinking about it right now that's what what could what could possibly be a worst first date move oh i don't think there is one it's aside from actually shooting the person yeah like like having the first date be the mass shooting is the only thing worse.

What about – okay, let's play this out though. What if I'm like – what if I'm just – I'm on the date, right? And I'm just like, I love reading. Do you love reading? You're talking about books. And I'm just like, let me read from like a little excerpt from my favorite book, and I whip out Mein Kampf. What it had to be. It had to be that. It had to be Mein Kampf.

The only thing else could – It had to be Mein Kampf. There was no other option in Grubhub could have been than Mein Kampf. Would that be worse? No. At least in that, people do read Mein Kampf. And I understand it's morbid. But there is some interest in how does this happen? How does Hitler happen?

There's some we have to learn history so it doesn't repeat itself to it. First date's still not the place to do the mind comp talk. That's a strong move on a first date. You better hope that she's going to be like, oh, my God, I can't believe you did that. Check out my swastikas. Or like I did my dissertation on this. Fucking Hail Mary. You might be with your soulmate.

It's a very, very slim chance. Is that what this guy was doing? Oh, maybe this guy was like recruiting. Maybe he really was looking for like a partner. I. But, nah. I doubt. I mean, girls don't do these things, but I'm just saying maybe.

Yeah, it really is just us. It's just the white guys. It's crazy. We got a stranglehold on this thing. We are. It's a bad rep to have. It's a tough one. It's like you white, you Ben Affleck sort of thing.

It's like you white, you Matt Shooter. The memes that are like when they go to the side of the kid in school reaching into his backpack and everyone being like, Bah! Yep. There's a reason why. I think I was going to say, you tell me if you've had a worse first date. I don't think there's going to be one. I hope not.

I really hope not. You better come correct. They better have your parents in the trunk of a car. That's the only way. If they didn't have your parents in the trunk of a car, don't tweet it. There has to be actual death or violence occurring on the date. As far as nonviolent offenses, this has to be the worst move that's ever been done in the history of human dating. If this happened to me,

I don't care. I'm on a date with Brooklyn Decker. I don't know why that came to mind, but it did. I'm on a date with Brooklyn Decker. No, you're not. She pulls out this phone. I'm calling the police. There's nothing you can do for me to be like, look, this dude

is a lunatic. What just happened is crazy. We've always been firmly like, I don this dude's a lunatic. Yeah. What just happened is crazy. I mean, we have always been firmly like, I don't get involved in other people's shit. Nope. That would be the – you would call? For sure. For sure. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah, you almost have a moral duty here. It's the Good Samaritan Law. It's the Seinfeld episode. You got to do something. You deserve to be in jail yourself. If someone's showing that around, it is – But who would you – you call 911?

What would you – Yeah, I'd call 911, what would you, like, what's the status there? Yeah, I'd call 911, but I'd do it, like, as a wrong number. I'm just like, not like a wrong number, but like. Anonymous. No, no, no. It wouldn't be anonymous, but just like you called your girlfriend's house when you were younger and you're kind of like tiptoeing around. I'd be like, hey, I don't really know who I'm supposed to be talking to.

It's not an emergency. Don't worry. But it's kind of an emergency. It's not imminent, but it's probably happening soon. Hey, Mr. Almeida. Yeah. No, yeah. Pat's doing great.

Anyway. Oh, is your daughter there? While we're here. I totally see what's happening. We were just chatting. Your daughter's there. I would be like, yeah, so I don't know if this is for you, the CIA, the FBI. She's got to get us off my chest.

Yeah, I just got to tell someone. The priest wasn't in. They didn't have a chance to run to confession. I shouldn't know if this is for you, the CIA, the FBI. I just gotta get this off my chest. Yeah, I gotta tell someone. The priest wasn't in. They didn't have a chance to run to confession. I shouldn't be laughing. I gotta talk to someone about this. This person is just... That girl. Big mass shooting.

Even further, to come out and say that? Yeah! Like, if that was me, I would be like, Oh, shit. I missed a big one. Fucking... I could have done something, and I'm not going to tell anybody that I knew about that. Yeah.

You bury that with me. For real. Or you fake your death and get a new identity and run away. Throw yourself in front of a train, man. Woo! Worst first date ever. Hands down. No questions asked.

No questions asked. I implore someone to try and beat that now we can do am i the asshole and that's like not gonna be that big of an asshole okay now i'm gonna be as bad as that guy or that girl but am i the asshole brought to you by quip are you the asshole if you don't have a quip toothbrush the answer is yes of course not if you're sitting around and you still favorite thing is doing this because it just pisses kevin off if you're sitting around this is like what with stone cold i'm gonna have to talk in a cadence that doesn't allow you to interrupt like a fucking leprechaun if you're sitting around with a toothbrush and it's and you're just doing old school you're just sitting there think about how

stupid that's like how about how stupid that is that's like having a roof made of me to ask me how stupid would it be it's like we are in the 21st century and you're gonna sit there with a stick just brushing your sometimes you move your head sometimes you move your hand no none of that you need the electronic pulsing system of quip not only does it have the supersonic pulsing to knock out the

plaque and all that shit in your teeth but it has the timer so you know exactly how to do two minutes of brushing you do like 15 seconds on this side 15 seconds on that side halfway done you flip it up here you do this side that side in out up down get your whole fucking mouth clean two minutes and you're never gonna miss it be fresher than the emerald isle i'm giving you enough time to come up with more ireland references aren't i you're like okay what's another one i could say here yep yeah yeah i mean let's be honest.

Some people over across the pond probably could use some better dental care, you know? Not the Irish, but the English could definitely use a better brush. And there's no better brush than a Quip. The deal is you buy the Quip toothbrush, and then you get the brush heads automatically delivered to you every three months on a dentist-recommended schedule. So when your bristles are running out, toss it away, get a new brush head in.

You got the pulsing, you got the timer, you got the brush heads ready to go. Go to getquip.com slash KFC. G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash KFC. And you get a $25, you spend $25, you get the toothbrush, and then you get the refills for free. Get back into your routine at getquip.com slash

KFC. Our boy Stone Cold Steve Austin just retweeted John and he said we're besties. Can't believe you did that. I can't believe you did that. Said besties in front of Stone Cold Steve Austin. No, it's something you say. I say besties in front of stone cold austin no in something you say i say best yeah

you say besties oh yeah you say besties that's right up your alley it didn't surprise me it surprised me that you said it in front of the texas rattlesnake i'm surprised you didn't just punch you he's actually a much more like like i mentioned in the in the interview like i expected stone cold steve austin to be in here and while he is like loud and imposing and and all that shit he's like a very nice like yeah he's like a he's just like an adjusted human you know yeah and so i think he's like you know probably heard someone say besties before it's not his choice of vernacular but he's also not going to be like you fucking pussy just kind of laughed. That laugh, though. He really got a kick out of that. That was an all-timer, man.

Do you think Frankie should be getting shit for not having the video be 3 minutes and 16 seconds? The pizza review was 3 minutes and 14 seconds, and Stone Cold called him out because a bunch of people were saying, how do you not make this 3.16? And he makes five different versions. One's a minute long for instagram one's five minutes long for facebook one's one was 314 he's not thinking about the times it's unfortunate that he missed it i think a lot of shit happens that people don't necessarily deserve shit for here but in that spectrum he does he deserves it in the in the spectrum of

that like here at barstool people get shit for things that really aren't yeah yeah yeah it's unfair nick if you were making a video for stone cold would you have looked at the end time and Here at Barstool, people get shit for things that really aren't that big of a deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unfair. Nick, if you were making a video for Stone Cold, would you have looked at the end time and then thought, like, all right, I'm at two seconds? No, it's only if – You don't look at the end time, right? Yeah. Unless it's like we need 60 for Instagram or something like that. He would have had to have been talking about it for me to have been thinking about it.

Right, right, yeah. That's a tough break for Frankie. But what can you do? Am I the asshole? Go do? Am I the asshole? Go ahead. Am I the asshole? So this fella, and he was getting married to a woman. To a woman.

To a woman. And they said. And she has a kid. She has a five-year-old daughter. And the last husband, not a good fella. Got it. Not a nice guy. Biological dad.

Biological dad. Abusive is a word used. And this guy says, you know what? I'm going to adopt her. I'm going to adopt her. I'm going to make her my own. Which is a seriously, like, honorable thing to do. It's a strong commitment.

Big time. It's quite a contract. Big time. It's quite a contract. Big time. It makes Rick DiPietro's contract look short. It is a big one. You're signing up for a contract that's probably, call it, she's five years old? She's five.

You're signing up for probably an 80-year contract. You'll die. You're probably signing up for a 60-year contract. It's a long one. It's a long one. A lot of gifts. A lot of gifts in that. It's a long one. A lot of gifts. A lot of gifts in that contract. A lot of bills.

A lot of bills. A lot of shit to pay. A lot of incentive-based bonuses. Now, as they're on the goal line, in the red zone, I got those mixed up, the wife drops on them that she wants a divorce. And he says, well, then I'm not going to adopt the kid. That would be pure lunacy. The wife now

is saying he's an asshole. He's wrong. And he's like, come on. He asks Reddit, am I the asshole? What did Reddit say? Reddit says... I'll tell you what, the first thing that popped into my head, you know

who the asshole is? It's the mom. Why is the mom the asshole? Because the daughter was about, they had this in the bag. Mom and daughter had a new dad signing up. It was there. It was like, just put the pen to paper. She needs to just not get the divorce to let this go through.

At least wait until it goes through, mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the asshole. Yeah, you're the asshole for being an honest person. Yeah. Wait. First lie the whole time and just be miserably married like most people are. At least wait until the ink is dry, then divorce him.

And it's like, no backseas on that adoption, bro. But to wait, the daughter's got to be like, Mom, how bad could it be? Come on, just get the job done here. That's definitely... I think it's... Come on, let's figure this out. She has more of a responsibility to her biological daughter than he does.

So if you're looking to, like, make the best situation for her and you want this guy to be the adopted father, like, it's your job as the mom to make sure it gets done. Now, the dude, I don't, it's maybe a little unsavory. I don't think it's unsavory at all. Like, I think you have every right to be like, okay, like, this is, like, because honestly, yeah, no, no, no, wait, done, I'm out. Because this dude, you're not going to, like, ever actually break up with this girl. It's like, I mean, like, no, no. Wait, done. I'm out. Because this dude, you're not going to ever actually break up with this girl.

It's like, I mean, me and my baby mama are going to be connected forever. You know what I mean? Like, when you have a kid together, that's it. Like, you're going to have a relationship for all time. If she wants, like, if things went south really bad and he wants a clean break, wants to start fresh, wants a shot at happiness with another person, he needs like a full clean break. It strikes me as it's like you've been dating someone for a little while and they get cancer. Yeah.

In this scenario, the child would be cancer. In most scenarios. It's an apt comparison. It's going to make your life a lot harder. Annoying. Don't get to sleep much. Eventually will cause your death um how children are cancer and kc radio and uh and it's like people will kind of be like

you're like that's like but guess what motherfucker put my go for a walk in my shoes go for a walk in my cancer shoes yeah fucking shoes and see if you're gonna stick around with that right like but look we haven't been together that long what do we always say what do we always say we always say that the person with the cancer should just break up with the person you should let them let them free set them free from your cancer clutch well the mom this is almost like the reverse where the mom's like if you want to if you want to secure that that adoption bag then like you gotta just put up with that shit yeah yeah like i mean he's gonna deal with the daughter or if you're gonna divorce then you got to be like you are also free of

responsibility from my child not which is not your child imagine what a goddamn idiot you gotta be to and look it's a no win for this lady because if she stays with it and like in five years does it and I was like, I just wanted that. So guess what? You're an asshole there too. There's really no winning for you. When these things break down,

you're fucked either way. It's really, that's a nice look on life. Really, no matter what happens in the end, you're going to be a fucking dick. I mean, you just think about this whole marriage thing.

It's like, yeah, all right, so you really like this person. You're going to like sign your life away. Literally, like legally, financially, you're going to sign your life away. Literally, legally, financially,

you're going to sign your life over to them. You better really fucking like them. You better really fucking like them. And you got to be able to think far ahead enough that you're like, I'm going to like them in 60 years as well. Nobody can tell you that.

Nobody has that foresight. It's a crapshoot. No one knows nothing. Nobody knows nothing. No one knows absolutely nothing. So, final answer. Guy, not the asshole. Girl, maybe the asshole?

Uh. Yeah, well, I mean, she's not an asshole. I would say not the asshole. If she's, if she's. But, like, unrealistic expectations. A. Person. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You're the URP. You're the Earp. Yeah. You're the Earp. Fucking Earp. Fucking Earp. I'm going to start calling Earps all the time.

Unrealistic expectation person. Earp. Wait, did you say A? Earp. Unrealistic, it's E. No, I was saying A because I saw an asshole in my head. Got it, got it, got it. Just a misspeak.

Earp. Unrealistic expectations. You're an Earp. I'll tell you who's an Arab. No, wait. We're not saying it right. Yeah, I mean, you're using the R from reasonable. There's no R in it.

It'd be like, ee-up. Oo-ep. I'm saying Arab. Well, I just fucking invented the acronym, and now I'm going to fucking keep using it. Shakespeare over here. Pointing terms. You guys are being Arabs right now.

You guys thought I was going to get it right? You're being an arp all right voicemails before we get to whitney cummings and jim bro over voicemails are brought to you by feels do you have the feels john you're very you get the feels you're a feely guy uh feels is a premium cb CBD company that will help keep your head clear and help you feel your best. CBD has been proven to reduce anxiety, reduce pain, reduce sleeplessness, and make you just function all around better, happier, more relaxed, and less stressed. If you're new to the CBD world, Feels is here for you because you've got to navigate it. There's a lot of parents, older generation, who don because you got to navigate it. Like, you know, there's a lot of like parents, like, you know, older generation who don't

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50% automatically comes off. Feels.com, F-E-A-L-S dot com slash KFC. You are even stupider than usual today. Yes. Voicemails. Let's go. KFC fight. Super Mario Brother BC.

What's up? First time, long time. What's up, boys? You guys introduced me to No Face Girl on Pornhub, and I was watching a video, and I noticed how disgusting their pillow was. The pillowcase fell about halfway off the pillow, and the pillow underneath was brown and yellow

and white. And my question for you is, what is the most disgusting thing you've noticed in the background of a Pornhub video or just porn in general? Love you guys. Is this not the perfect example of men versus women? Nope. Because I totally agree.

Totally. Like I said. I have 1,000. I've never noticed it in a porn or anything like that. I've never noticed anything. Yeah, but if I get a nude and your room's messy, I'm like, come on, girl. What are you doing wasting time sending me naked pictures? Go make your fucking bed.

No, bro. I'm dying. My eyes are on the prize. That's why I'll always be the type. That's why I'll always, I'll be the type. That's why like when stoolies are always like. When stoolies are like, why? Like, look at your foot in the picture. I'm like, you know, that's not, it's not what we're looking at over here.

And so if it's, if we're doing like sexting and nudes and porn. Yeah, he does weird ass feet. I'm definitely not like ever thinking about the background. Plus, by the way, if I saw that... Take a pillowcase off your pillow, you're gross. For sure. For sure. For sure.

For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. But don't have it fucking fall off then. If that fell off... I slept last night and it had fallen off a little bit

and I was like, this guy didn't do pillows. But I wasn't filming the porn. So I just slept on night, and it had fallen off a little bit, and I was like, this guy didn't do pillows. But I wasn't filming the porn, so I just slept on it, whatever. But if you're getting fucking banged out, doggy style, and you fucking grab a pillow and I see a brown, guess what? Next video. Next video. That's how you lose followers. That's how you lose views.

I don't care if it's the best scene ever. That's what I will focus on. If you can fire up a No Face Girl video and you are looking at anything other than that girl's asshole, there could be a dead baby in the background of a No Face Girl video. There could be a murder live on the camera.

There could be a fucking leprechaun. I could see Bigfoot. Bigfoot could be in the background of a No Face Girl video. I ain't seeing it because I'm looking right at that girl's asshole. Strong disagree here. We're going to strongly disagree on this. I think it's the background

is always more important. That's where the action happens. You know what it is? You're a pervert. You've moved on from the sex and you're looking at the scenery. Yeah, well, no. It's not. It would grab my attention. on from the sex and you're looking at the scenery yeah well no it's not it would just it would grab my attention it would it would be like like you're even having sex and like there's just a noise and like it's almost like when you throw you off your game if you're like fucking on a bed and it's like like the headboard smack right something like that something that gets in your head yeah that's what would happen to me with the pillow but what's the

what's the best that pillow story i mean to me with the pillow. What's that pillow story? I mean, to me, I would be like, everybody's pillows are dirty. Yeah. I would change. I don't necessarily, I wouldn't necessarily go to another channel. I'd probably stay. Give her a second shot. Yeah, she'd get my clicks still. But I'd go to another video.

I'm never going to another channel ever again for any reason, dude. I'll be honest. I don't really watch it at all. I don't care for it. What's not to care for? I don't know. Just the no face thing bothers me. It doesn't.

I don't find it erotic or enticing. I'm like, just shut up and show me your fucking face. Isn't that so funny how backwards it gets? It's like you see girls' faces all the time, but if you hide it from me, all I want to see is your forehead. Yeah. Do you have crow's feet? I don't know. I got to see.

What's your jawline look like? It's like someone telling you I got a secret. I'm like, well,'t give a shit but now you got now what is it why am i gonna tell you what the fuck did you bring it up for in the first why'd you make it a thing i think that's it pisses you off but i think it works for a lot of people i don't show up but clearly she's a very successful career but for me no dirty pillows no face get the fuck out of here. Yo, these are fighting words. This is good. I'll defend my faceless, dirty pillow girl to the death, bro.

Fucking gross. She's probably a piggy. That's probably why she's got a dirty pillow. Say it again. Say it again. Say something funny. Say something funny. Oink, oink.

Oink, oink. Talk that shit. Where's that scalpel? Where's the fucking scalpel? I'll fucking stab you You got some Got some goddamn nerve You think that That's the noise

That Angel makes You are wrong You are wrong sir I hope you I hope you pass out And puke from making That noise too much You fat bitch

Hey KFC Fight Super producer PC This is Ryan from Boston You fat bitch. Hey, KFC. Fight. Super producer. This is Ryan from Boston. I actually called in, geez, it's been like three years ago now. I told you guys I pulled a Hank.

And as in pulling a Hank means I just didn't do my taxes. And so now here we are about three years later. What do you know? I came home to my apartment different than where I was living three years ago. And what do you know? I have a bill sitting on my counter saying I owe $294.50 to the state of Massachusetts for my wages earned in 2015. What were you hoping to say? is that a bunch of bullshit?

Shouldn't the government be paying me back my taxes, my tax returns that I owe? I mean, first of all, is this guy retarded? Does he not understand how the system works at all? I mean, I like how he keeps going, like, what do you know? Who would have thunk it? The government wants their money. This, the wind really came out of the sails here when it was $294. I thought he was going to be like, I owe $50,000 of wages.

I thought it was going to be $294,000. Fines and shit like that all adds up. I mean, I don't even know what to say to him because he's so stupid. I came home the other day, and I had a letter from the IRS, and I was like, this is it. I'm going to kill myself. If I get audited on top of all this stuff, I'm jumping right out the fucking window,

and I'm only on the second floor, so I got to make sure I land on my head, on my neck, so that I die. And it was like they actually, it was money to me. It was a check for like $18 or something, and i have never been so relieved in my life i was like this is it i'm done i'm i'm done would you would you have really done it um we just talked about it with the train when you get there push comes to shove we're all a bunch of fucking no i mean let's be honest i'm not gonna kill myself but like that would have been but that would have been institutionalized. I would have done something drastic.

I mean, auditing is crazy. I don't get why don't people just have someone else do their taxes? I've never even, like, it's never been a thing. People are like, oh, I've got to do my taxes. Just have someone else do it. You can just not file, though. You just, like, ignore it entirely and let it go you can run the you know right it's like maybe i'll get away with it right i mean yeah i get i think there's a

chance to get away with it i think that i think they catch up to you eventually but you get away with it for for a while but the thing is it's not like i think people think like i gotta submit and if i don't submit like a month later they're gonna come after me like you you just don't do it you ignore it and You ignore it. And you ignore it for two years. You ignore it for three years. And you get fucked. Yeah, yeah.

But you'll get away with it for a little while. Right. If in the short term, like, you really, like, can't do it or whatever, you probably can purposely, like. Yeah, that always works out. It's pretty easy to just call an account and they just, like, ask you for, like, three or four things. Yeah. They charge you, like, 200 bucks and then it's over. But I understand, like, I just don't pay any of my, you guys know, I just don't pay any of my speeding or four things. Yeah. They charge you like 200 bucks and then it's over. But I understand, like, I just don't pay any of my, you guys know, I just don't pay any of my speeding

or parking tickets. And it's just like, dude, you have to do this. If the price is going up, the stakes are getting higher and I'm just like, eh. I mean, I get, like, I did the same thing. I would get regularly towed and booted. Yeah. Booted and towed.

Happened on a consistent basis. So I get that, but... The taxes is different. That would be like, I'm just going to go get my car. Nobody else taking over. Yeah, yeah. I'll get my car.

He said he only owed $294. There's a chance that if he filed his taxes, he could have got money back. Yeah, he really could have. Had he done it. When you're young, you should definitely file your taxes. You're probably making like five bucks an hour

or some shit. Yeah, I think he was panhandling. That's what he was, a professional panhandler. He actually might be right. Dude, yeah, you don't get taxed when you're just begging for money on this corner. Uncle Sam doesn't know about that one. What's going on, boys? Quick question for you.

So I was taking a piss at work the other day. At a urinal. And I work in a hospital, so the surgeon is washing his hands in the sink over there. And I farted while I was peeing. And this doctor looked at me like I had just spat in his face. He didn't say anything. And I didn't, like, turn to acknowledge his gaze, but I could feel him looking at me. Acknowledge his gaze. Like, I just did something awful.

And in my head, I was like, what's going on here? Like, I'm in a bathroom. I think the urinal fart, this is something I've thought, I don't think I've ever blogged this, but I've thought about this since day one at Barstool. The urinal fart, I think you deserve fart amnesty if you're at the urinal. Disagree. Clench that hole, buddy. I'm not going to, but if someone else did, I wouldn't stare you down.

But I'm not going to fart at the urinal. But I do understand you're just kind of releasing and letting go. I think you need to be in the stall to fart. But if one comes out at the urinal, unless I get the impression, unless you're lifting a leg, trying to fart. Nope. If it just sneaks out, you're going to stare him down, though? You're going to be upset? I'm not going to stare him down, but I'm going to go, oh.

I'll sneer. So yeah, all right. You will be an asshole. You will be an asshole. You will be an asshole. I make a noise. I don't get anything. When you get to the urinal, just fucking piss, bro. It's fucking crazy.

People get their spit first. What are you spitting for? Just take a fucking spit, piss, groan. Just fucking piss and get the fuck out of there. Send a tweet and shut the fuck up. Yeah. Have a phone in your hand. Update your Instagram.

Like, whatever. It's crazy to me that people think that standing in front of a urinal is a free pass to just make all the most disgusting noises that are involved in human nature. Shut the fuck up. I mean, I'm not going to co-sign all that. In fact, I think you should don't even piss loud. Piss on the fucking porcelain.

Get that shit silent. Don't be, like, fucking blowing bubbles with your goddamn piss. If you piss directly into the water of a toilet, that's crazy. Yeah. If you piss directly onto the mat. By the way, not only because it's loud. Yeah, the bounce back is like you're going to get. Okay, that's not called a mat.

What do you call it? I don't know, but it's not. You say you piss on the mat. People aren't thinking about the thing in the urinal. What would you call that? I don't know. The urinal cake. Well, if it's a cake, it's one thing.

If it's one of those plastic mats. The urinal mat, then. Yeah. The urinal wall. We're talking about peeing on urinals. Yeah, but I wouldn't say, like, just piss on the wall, bro, because you would picture a wall. You're picturing a mat on the floor? Yeah.

We're talking about peeing in urinals. Why are we talking about pissing on the floor all of a sudden? If I had just said, I'll just piss on the wall, you wouldn't have thought the urinal, you'd think of a wall. No, we were talking about pissing on the floor all of a sudden if i had just said i'll just piss on the wall you wouldn't have thought the wall the urinal you think of a wall no we were talking about pissing off i think we were well established that we were talking about within a urinal no we weren't we clearly weren't because i thought you you're just dumb you're just stupid you're really going after my intelligence today. There's a lot to go after. I picture one of those black mats that's basically in a hockey rink. Before you walk out onto the ice, you step on these black mats.

I was picturing you using piss. Nope, not talking about that. Talking about urinals. Whatever. Point is, if you're at a urinal, you can't do anything except piss. Have you seen... I don't think we've ever talked about it have you seen tom segura's mother-in-law's fart bro have you seen this it's the best fart of all time like no joke and and and tom segura is like creeping up on her

she's in the kitchen i'm just gonna show it to you it's the greatest fart of all time it's uh who's uh i don't even, it was a little while ago. I did see him talking about it, but I never saw it. Tom Segura mom fart. It's good enough that we'll be able to put this into an audio fucking podcast. Like, it's that powerful of a fart hopefully this is it just it and like nothing and then wait he does the fat guy wheeze And then wait, he turns around.

He does the fat guy wheeze. I mean... And the funniest thing about this, because I saw... He just says mom. Is it his mom? I thought for some reason it was Christina's mom, but whatever, either way. And I've seen a couple other comedians talking about it and they were saying like when i fart it's a it's it's a pass it's like i'm at the urinal peeing and one farts you know like like this that woman stopped what she was doing she was like cutting shit up at the counter of the kitchen and stopped like i now have to fart she had to focus on the fart

i'm never like solitary thinking about just the fart. It's just happening while other things are happening. I've had farts that, like, just now I didn't. But you didn't fart. You held it in. No, I farted just now. Kevin's face is so disappointed. This episode. Let's wrap this shit up, B. I'm done with you.

Did it smell bad? No, but I've had some smelly ones today. I've been with you. Did it smell bad? No, but I've had some smelly ones today. I've been eating healthy. Skinny people must be farting all the time. The vegetarians, the vegans, the kale. But anyway, only

fart in podcast studios. Stop farting in the goddamn urinal. If you're not in a stall, you're not allowed to fart. You're not allowed to fart. You're just not. I'm sorry. Next up. Last up. Hey, guys.

What's up? First time, long time. So I have a quick little hypothetical for you guys. So let's say you guys could switch bodies with anyone of the opposite gender, but you have to live their life. So let's say you could choose Gigi Hadid, but you'd have to do your makeup, you'd have to model, and she is into chicks. So you would have to either not hook up with anyone or just be celibate or hook up with guys. Who would you guys choose and why? I mean, I guess, so if you're thinking about sex the obvious answer

would be to pick yourself a lesbian like a hot lesbian is gonna fuck like hot girls right not necessarily but i'd like to if i could pick my you know i would try to find someone who only hooks up with lipstick lesbians if we're thinking about sex if you're not thinking about sex and i'm not just saying this because she's on the show, but I think I would switch with Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings is a strong woman. She lives a fucking baller life. Yeah, Whitney Cummings is rich, Rich.

Yeah, so the interview coming up with Whitney, we only had like 20 minutes to interview her and then do ATI. So, I mean, we could have talked to her for hours and we didn't get a chance to really even dig in much to like her career and shit. But it's a funny interview because shit went off the rails so bad. We didn't talk about the shows she produces and the stuff she writes.

But she's rich. She produced fucking Two Broke Girls. I was like, that's like 10 seasons. Showrunner on Roseanne. CBS. That's rich, rich. Yeah, that's like Big Bang type shit where it's like, oh, yeah, Two Broke Girls is on their fucking 200th episode. In syndication.

Yeah, right. You get that syndication money. Mama's got three or four houses probably now. And she's like in with all the fucking best and coolest, funniest comedians. She's like, let's assume I get her talent or whatever. Like I'm rolling up on stage wherever I want. You know what I mean? So maybe Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings is a really great answer michelle rodriguez is also an awesome one

um anything fast and furious i just thought of that is she is she she's dead though right or no she's still in the series oh kevin you've got quite a bit of catching up to do you are about three movies behind yeah we're gonna we're gonna one, one weekend when you don't have the kids, we're going to fuck it. I'm going to head up to wherever the fuck you live in Toronto. I need, this is my problem. I've said this before. I'm not good at doing nothing anymore.

If I don't have somebody to watch with, I get stuck on Twitter or I'm not paying as much attention i think we're gonna do this we're gonna do we'll do a marathon we just need to move in together it will take it will take saturday and sunday yeah uh it'll take like a week it'll probably take two days because it is it's eight movies now um but uh i'm gonna be on like my seventh hour you're gonna be like holding up the fucking eyes this is the movie i'm like i don't want to watch this fucking awesome yeah fast six michelle rodriguez eyes in the movie. I'm like, I don't want to watch this anymore. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Fast six. Michelle Rodriguez back in the picture.

Got it. Got it. Yeah. I'm gonna go with Michelle Rodriguez. I actually don't know what her sexual orientation is. I think she dabbles in everything. She's definitely been with girls before. Right. But I was just thinking fast. I guess having sex with a woman is an added bonus. But I'd fuck Vin Diesel to be in the Fast and Furious. Yeah, that's the other thing too.

Not even her. I'll just fuck him right now. No hypothetical magic included. I'll just blow you right now fuck Vin Diesel to be in the Fast and Furious. Yeah, that's the other thing, too. That's me. Not even her. I'll just fuck him right now. No hypothetical magic included. I'll just blow you right now, Vin Diesel. All right, speaking of Whitney, let's get right into it. This interview with Whitney Cummings is brought to you by Manscaped. Support for KC Radio comes from Manscaped. It's the number one.

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Number one in men's below-the-belt grooming. I could, I'm not going to, but I could show you scars from years gone by when you get that, and you four or five like little pricks right all up in your in your in your floppy skin you snake bites yeah you get the snake bites it's actually like um it's more like three cobras bit you at once right on your ball sack right in the line three cobra bites you do not want to get snake bitten. Make sure you shave your balls with Manscaped. Accidents like that, thing of the past. You're not going to nick your nuts.

Let me ask you this. If you are in, you know, you have to Manscaped, right? Would you prefer a long day or a short day? Okay, I'm sorry. I saw a tweet. Ask me again, please. You're like a fucking golden retriever. The car runs by and you forget.

If you're shaving your nuts, would you rather have a long day or a short day? Oh, a short day. Yeah, for sure. But then sometimes a long day, it's almost like, you know. Yeah, like a bat's wing.

Yeah, you flatten it out. Turn it all off. You can go both ways. Yeah, a lot of times. I feel like if you go when you have a short day, then when you have a long day, it's like, oh, I missed this and that and that and the other thing. Also on short days, though, because when it all constricts, it kind of pokes out the sides.

True. It's like a porcupine. Yeah, a porcupine. Quills. Sounds like quills. My nuts are like a porcupine's quills. They have the crop preserver, which is anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. So, you know, let's say you unexpectedly take a girl home and you're not going to get a shower or anything like that.

Put on some ball deodorant. Perfect. Or after you're done manscaping, put some moisturizer on. Make sure those, when you have a short day or a long day, make sure that skin looks nice. You're welcome, babe. And get all the right tools for the kit, 20% off with free shipping when you go to manscaped.com Use the promo code KFC.

That's manscaped.com promo code KFC. I'll tell you what, the bottom of this copy right here has YouTube links with examples of good reads. This is an example of a good read, Manscaped. Add it to the rotation pal

that's right manscaped whitney cummings let's hear from her who was last year who's like breath am i in stone cold steve austin oh really how was that it was awesome what's been your favorite interview so far that one yep i actually said that was like my yeah you got was that today pretty big shoes uh two days ago or yesterday? I have to follow that shit? All right, let's go. This is a tough one. God damn it.

What are we going to talk about? We talk about pretty much anything. Really? Yeah, we don't really have like a game plan. Oh, with Stone Cold? What were we talking about? Yeah. What did we talk about with Stone Cold?

I don't know. I blacked shit out. I'm very rusty at flirting. What do people say in interviews? What am I supposed to be doing? You know what? I don't think we ever really found a way to do it either. Yeah, we'll just figure it out.

And when do we start? Have we started? I think so. Have we started? We don't really have a date. I like that. Do you guys have girlfriends? Cold open.

Yes. Yeah? How long have you been in a relationship? This is awesome. We're right in. I had a feeling this was going to be like this. We had the most, I guess, right into an interview I ever had was Joel McHale, where he just ripped us apart. Why?

Not in a rude way. He psychoanalyzed us, tore him down in a heartbeat. He's jealous. Do your girlfriends listen to that? This is always my big question. Do girlfriends listen to your show? No. And in fact, not only does she not listen to the show, and I think she could.

I don't think I really say anything bad on it. I guess I talk about ex-girlfriends, which would probably be a good issue. She listens. Let's be honest. I've always said that. She 100% listens. He's also happy, so maybe she doesn't. You're delirious.

Because if you do listen, it's almost impossible to be happy. We've never had a fight. If she listens, she's like, she's going to kill me one night. Because everything's been stewing. Because nothing's ever been brought up. Which is probably the case. What do you think she would be upset by? That's crazy.

When he was like, she wouldn't be upset. I don't know. I don't know. I tell stories about ex-girlfriends sometimes, like something that happened. But I don't think I say anything I wouldn't say to her. We're spectacularly stupid on the show so like maybe not like mad but certainly not like proud like hey listen to what my boyfriend said on the show it's like like there's certain things i don't need to hear like i'm big on with my guy i'm like oh that's a conversation for your guy friends

that's not a me but you actually kind of respect that line like you'll be like go because it's like i don't want to hear you casually talking with your bros. So do you or do you not snoop? You know what? I used to snoop, and it never goes well for anybody. Never goes well. Don't go looking for what you don't want to find. You're going to find.

That's right. You're going to find what you're looking for. And you're going to find something. And here's my thing. If you have the instinct to snoop, just get out. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Just get out. The idea of going through my guy's drawers seems so boring to me.

Drawers? Boring. You're talking about physically snooping at this point. Like rummaging through things. Bone snooping? What the hell? I'm talking about technology, Whitney Cummings. What's he hiding in the walls?

Does he have a secret door here? He's got a phone number in there? Yeah, I'm not going to take paintings off the walls anymore. And look for trap doors. I'm not going to take paintings off the walls anymore and look for trap doors. Pulling books on libraries. I'm not looking under boards for women anymore. I've grown up. I don't do that shit.

I've evolved. I've grown. I don't look around in the basement. That's ridiculous. I do remember, though, when we first started dating, because we met on a dating app, he was still getting notifications from the dating app. And I didn't snooze. Yeah, you see it yeah

because we're all addicted to phones and so if you see something and i did see a notification for the dating app and it actually was like good because it was like okay let's not have this conversation you know it kind of puts you off the ledge so yeah totally that's kind of the only time i ever like looked at his phone and it generated the conversation that we like were long overdue for having but no i don't But no, I don't go through shit. I definitely went through the people he follows on Instagram. You do fucking see.

She's like, no it's not. I will grant this. It's not stupid. It's called crazy is what it's called. That is called looking for red flags. That is called who he follows. People he follows.

What's the red flag? There were no red flags, actually. There was like, he's kind of I think he knew, he's very smart and I think to me he knew to get ahead of it. I think when we started getting serious. He's following like scientists. I'm like BBC News.

I did that when we first kind of started getting big, and I realized people would see what I follow on Twitter. Yeah. I was a porn star. Yeah, totally. I 1000% did that. You're like, I've muted all of them, so I don't have to look at that dumb shit.

I do that, too, with porn stars. I don't follow porn stars. I'll go check out their page. Yeah, they'll fucking screen grab that shit. Like an adult. But you can't. Do you think I would dare you to follow a porn star and I want to bet how much time it would take for your girl to say something? Oh, I don't think that would ever happen.

Really? Yeah, I think she's broken by this point on that. How long have you been together? Like, uh, somewhere between a year and three years. It's a pretty big variance. I haven't heard you say that yet. It's a pretty big variance. That's not math at all. That's not math.

That's like a sentence in jail. I got a one to three bid. I don't know. It's not a window that makes any sense at all. It's either this big time or three times that amount of time. One or the other. This is some. It's like, well, it's just how. You've been cheating on her from anywhere from one to two years.

Let me ask you a better question. If I were to ask her, what would she say? She'd say a year. Six years. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, so you were. So you're the one who's.

Gaining her before you met. I just don't know what falls into what category. You were hooking up for like three years. We've known each other. Six years. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, so you're the one who's dating her before you met. I just don't know what falls into what category. You were hooking up for like three years. We've known each other for three years. That's why you like have conversations. We avoid those. We do our conversations here. With microphones, like healthy people.

Do you want to change this conversation? Honestly, that's where it's at at this point. Yes, we're official. Hit my Venmo. If the next girl wants to have a conversation with me, put a microphone, give me some headsets. Then we can talk. Otherwise, I'm walking up. Can I put an ad on it?

I actually do have a question for you, which is why do guys want to follow porn stars on social media? Honestly? No. It's just, it's like they're, I'm trying to think how I should, how I would word it. Because you're not like jerking off to the photo at noon on a Tuesday. No, but they keep the trailers and stuff. On a Wednesday, maybe, not a Tuesday. Trailers?

Yeah, like they'll do. What? Trailers? You gotta keep up with, you know, the new releases. Are there trailers? Yeah. What? They make like sizzle teasers?

It's better than an actual porn. It's like, yo, here's the good stuff from my latest video. This summer. Listen, I've seen your clips on your Instagram about squirting. Theirs is the same thing. They're just doing it. No, why not? That's it.

We all make our own little bits and pieces. But what's the amount of time they're teasing? About two minutes. About 220. No, but I mean for a... How much does Twitter allow? Two minutes, 20 seconds. Wait, I'm so confused.

So they're going to put a trailer together and be like, you're going to, this weekend I've got your, what you're going to jerk off to. You know what? There's a staggering amount of people who still pay for porn.

So they're out there just trying to hustle and get you to pay for it. Again, you're taking my money. I can totally get this for free, but I don't want it. I want to pay. I support artists. It's the same people who yell at you for like, oh, you're taking my money. I can totally get this for free, but I don't want it. I want to pay. I support artists. It's the same people

who yell at you for like, oh, you bought that movie? Why don't you torrent it? I'm appreciating the art and I don't mind supporting the artists. I'm not poor. I have a job.

I'll pay you your $6.99 a month, Asa. Asa Kura. I know Asa Kura. Asa hosts the show. No way. Do you know, this is wild because I had a sex robot made of myself.

Oh, where were you? I don't think fame's changed me at all. And the brain or the head was made, Real Doll, which is a sex doll company, made the body and the brain together with a Brazilian AI company. And it's called Realbotics. But Real Doll is who made the body. And I had to go pick AI company, and it's called Realbotics, but real dolls who made the body. And I had to go pick out my nipples when we put my body together. And there's a huge wall of nipples.

And so I chose my nipples, and I cut this out of the special, but he said, oh, those are Asa Akira nipples. So her and I, I guess, have similar nipples. No kidding. Nipple buddies? All I know about her. That's a pretty good... I know a lot more about her, but that's a good,

if I can picture all his nipples, that's all the nipples he got. Yeah, I would not be displeased with that comparison at all. Yeah,

just that's my connection That would be like saying, like, yeah, like, you know, me and Tom Brady have a similar arm.

It's like, yeah, she's one of the greats of all time. If you're gonna have something similar, that's a good person to have with her.

And you put your arm on the mic as soon as you did that. That was so weird. I'm a righty anyway. Is this how he hosts the show? I do, yeah.

What are you doing? I'm trying to stop What are you, in a Marlboro ad? It's bizarre. Put it down. It's such an odd take. And also, like,

my worst feature are my fingers. Because he's like sausage fingers. Really? I have. I got other bad ones, but these are tough.

I like the idea that a guy knows his worst feature. Do you guys think about stuff like that? In this show, we know all our own faults here. Oh, really? This is as self-loathing as it gets. Yeah, no, but I actually have, like, it's just a heap of bad features. That's not true. These to the top.

I like your hands are my favorite part of you so far. Oh, boy. That's a tough one. You know what? That doesn't even build me up. Like, hey, maybe you have a better self-esteem. I'm like, oh, man,

everything else is really below that. No, you're very charming. I like you both very much. And what's going on with you? Are you dating somebody? I'm not. I'm going through a divorce. Oh, wow.

Opposite end of the spectrum. Okay, so we don't talk about that. Yeah, probably not worth it. How about this robot, though? She's available. And we'll sign a prenup. I'll tell you what. I'm getting pretty desperate.

Will not cheat. Will not lie to you. Will she listen to my content? Can we program her not to do that? She can regurgitate your content for you. She can play your podcasts back to you so that you can jerk off to your own work she's got the also here nipples she'll regurgitate my content i mean what more do you want this woman she is for me man you said uh

you do have to engage your core to carry her around you might throw your back out yeah now i'm in trouble it's like we can i'm not picking anybody up off the ground human or robot otherwise you're staying on the ground it's too dangerous when you were talking about her you said something i thought was really interesting um where you are wait by the way are we saying her is that what we're gonna do it's a her yes yeah we we go by we go by proper um i forget the word but we use them gender pronouns gender pronouns there it is see how we almost knew the word it wasn't gender i couldn't forget. It was pronoun. We knew to do it. We just couldn't execute it. I'm not problematic. I'm stupid. You're not.

It was pronoun I couldn't think of. You were multitasking. You were reading a piece of paper. You were trying to perch your wrist yet again to show me your sexy fingers that you pretend you don't like. And yes, we call her she. There's something that happens. They're a claw she. You guys don't have to admit if this has happened to you, but sex, robots, and dolls, you do

start to anthropomorphize them very quickly. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah, I know what that means. It's odd. That happens a lot, actually. We get a lot of guests that are like- I always anthropomorphize things.

Can't even say it. I can't even say it i can't even repeat it back to you you were just gonna pretend you knew what it meant no i mean i kind of get the idea but i certainly couldn't tell you the exact definition of anthropomorphic you guys pretend you're dumb and you're not i don't like it no no we're not dumb but we i just know i just know i'm self-aware i know i know where i tap out i like that have you been dating at all uh no i'm truly trying to just get take a break yeah yeah yeah it's a whole thing it's a long road it's a whole thing i met my person online where did you met your person where did you met your person i met my person i'm trying to go to i'm trying to get

become you guys this is a nightmare that's actually our goal with every guest. Where do you meet ladies? Walk out feeling stupid. Crushed it. Where did you meet your girl? We met, she's a friend of a friend. Oh, okay.

So we met in, kind of, I guess at a bar. Okay. And you don't say what dating app you met? Yes, I do. Oh, you do?

Which one is it? I don't literally answer any question. What is? Don't give a shit. It's called Raya. It's like Tinder. She's not i got denied

and i did and i did and i did like a reveal on live radio so so here's the thing so here's the thing i know so i i was like uh you know it takes like it took a long time right it takes a couple weeks whatever did you have someone recommend you? Yes, I did feel that. Nobody like too important, but someone was already on it. And so I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. Okay, by the way, I've been in your studio for five minutes and I'm covered in dirt.

Whose fault is that? I'm not. Look at me. I'm not covered. Whitney, before you came in here. I'm covered in dirt. You are. What the fuck is all this? Before you came in here, I almost took a shower to get Cheeto dust off. Did this stone cold fossilized cum? I definitely did that. What?

It could be cum from the table for me coming from Stone Cold. I might have cum from him sitting there. Is this Asakura's glitter? Consider yourself lucky that you don't have Cheetos all over you because we were just shoveling Cheetos down our throat. And then my weird bra is showing. Okay. I'm wearing a maternity bra because I needed to buy one one time at Walgreens.

It's a long story. Why are you wearing it today? Because I can't find one that's a long story. You really dressed up for us, huh? Don't stop. Really? You said it's a big deal coming here. Let me get on my best girdle.

Does anyone have an Ace Bandage I can borrow? No, it really is. It's a maternity bra. Oh, God. It really is. It really is. It's a maternity bra. Oh, God. It really is. It's a toga. So that you can breath. You can pop a tit right out. It looks like a toga. Yes, it's

actually a maternity bra, and it's really comfortable. The problem is that the bras that I have have these wires in them, and they look crazy. So now it's just like, is this videoed? Yeah, I was going to say, this will for sure be a clip. Fuck, god damn it. This is going to fuck up everyone's algorithm now. But now it's like, look at me, I'm like

peekaboo. It's like this ugliest shit. I actually, it was skin-toned, and I could see peek-a-doo, and I was trying to avert my eyes. I was trying to be a gentleman. I was like, don't look. That's a tit. That's a tit. I'm gonna get out of tits. Was she recently burned? Like, she had to look away from... I'm so sorry.

Is that a cast? Is that from a cesarean section? But with her, with Bearclaw. No, we're getting back to this. We got to get her. Watch my special. You get it. How are we doing this?

I'm on radio the other day. And so I've been checking. And it's like, we're deciding. We're deciding. We're deciding. For weeks, it says we haven't made our decision. And then I open it up. And it's like, you know, we're deciding, we're deciding, we're deciding. For weeks, it says, like, we haven't made our decision. And then I open it up, and it's, I don't know if you remember this, but it's dramatic as fuck. I know.

They're like, we have rendered a decision. Click here to see. So I happen to be on the air, and I'm like, all right, let's hit a break. When we come back, we'll do it live. Oh, my God. And I'm thinking, either I'm in and it's all good, or I'm out, and I'm going to be like, I'm the fucking bad boy at dating apps. Like, Raya, I'm too much for you to handle. You can't handle this dick.

Basically. And I hit it and it's like, you've been waitlisted. And I was like, that's even worse. I would rather just straight up be denied. Unless that's just their polite way of saying fuck you. You're on Raya, aren't you? No, he got waitlisted too. Oh, he got waitlisted too.

When was this? I did it. What did you do? Oh, I was pissed. When was this? I did it. What did you do? Oh, I was like, what's happening? I did it. I did it. What am I walking into?

I'm coming for you. No, I did it like two months ago and my friend was like, you got to get on it. You got to get on it. And I thought it was all clout based. So when Kevin got denied, I was like,

there's no fucking way. And then I got waitlisted and now I'm like anti-riot. So now I'm like trying to date even harder. I'm gonna try to fuck these girls. I'm never gonna get on his app. And then rub it in their face. Waitlist this, bitch. But yeah, I got waitlisted. Which basically is a nice way of saying it.

Is that what it is? I thought it was if you had the blue check or something. Wasn't it something about being verified? What are the credentials? The only thing I did was submit my Instagram instagram and to be honest i thought based on like the check and followers and all that silly like super shit i would have got in but um it's getting cut throat i mean john cusack's on it sorry i don't give a shit. One. You said.

You were immediately like. I've been waiting to say that for so long. I'm happy you let it out here. Oh, my God. That was like Tourette's. I mean, like, nobody cares. I'm just like, I have to say it. I have to tell somebody.

Did you know John Cusack's a rock? I think that for some reason when you find out someone's on a dating app it really matters even if it doesn't matter there's lots of famous people on Raya lots of famous

that's why and I'm saying it to maybe try to make you feel better because I think now it's become very like celebrities from the 90s like

you can fuck John Cusack on his app I know yeah totally it's a lot of like guys with like hair transplant scars like yeah so fuck you Ryan

that's not what I'm looking for and it's lots of like remember gross point blank that was a pretty good one I love gross point blank I'd fuck John Cusack just for that

he crushed that movie oh man oh my god that didn't no this is gone fully off the rails you're showing your bra we're pulling your hair

it's getting weird okay so I just I my heart breaks for you but the good news is you're not gonna get gold digged anytime soon

I mean not much gold to dig I don't know you gotta really save up if you wanna date the girls on Raya. It's a fucking... That's what's good about being broke. When you're broke, you don't... I know I'm not gonna get

a gold digger. You're not broke. It's not good. It's not good. When you come, it's just not good. You'd rather lose divorce. I'll tell you what. Financially, not great. It's tricky. Well, you will get star? Oh, well. Brotherhood is divorce. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what. This is financially not great. Yeah, it's tricky.

Well, you will get star fuckers, though. Yep. Well, isn't basically Instagram a dating app at this point? Yeah, pretty much. If I'm a fan of yours and I think you're hot, I'll just DM you on Instagram. Pretty much. Do you go through your DMs from randos? Try not to. Yeah. Not every now and then. Usually it's just people being mean.

The rest of the DMs are very awful. There's a lot of mean people out there. Wait, are you saying you don't have online hate? Never. No. Of course I do. What are you talking about? That's what I mean.

Are your DMs not hateful and weird? I feel like I get mean comments because the kind of people that want to publicly do it. Right, right, right. I get compliments in private and hate in public. That makes sense. I never really thought about it. I've never gone to DMs because I just assume it's everybody being like, fuck you, you suck. And that would really make me think my fingers were even worse.

You have great fingers. I mean, it's very nice what you're doing, but they're not nice. No, but they're not. They're just objectively bad hands. I played basketball, and I broke my fingers so much. Just look at this ring. Look at this rock that I've got. I just got uncomfortable.

But my fingers are all crooked. Yours are fine. I couldn't play basketball because I couldn't hold a fucking basketball with these goddamn baby hands. I mean, now that you're holding them that way, I see that they're a little, they're bulbous. They're sausage-y. Yeah, they're legume-y.

But like in a good way. It's-y. But in a good way. It's very endearing. I'm an endearing porn person. I'm like someone who's going to fire. Look at you. You're still out there. You were hunters. Your ancestry were not gallopers. They used to fight bears. Yeah, they were definitely hunters.

Not climbers. Legume fingers but are you tinder or no i'm not on any dating app that was gonna be my first one right yeah yeah tinder's right it's rough tinder is a lot of looking for a third yeah stuff right right is that happening i don't know i don't think i'm because i put my sex robot on tinder just to see what would happen and i was like and a lot give me my wife, fuck it. But then somebody snitched and she got kicked off. Because someone was like, this isn't a real person.

Because he thought they engaged and she rejected him. And someone complained. When you're getting rejected by robots, it's time to read. But Tinder is dicey, I think. I think Tinder is pretty bot heavy at this point. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, you were at least offering the bot. Literally bot-heavy.

This is now an actual physical bot. Yeah. We have to wrap up here quick because we're going to take you across there and make you answer weird questions from the internet. Oh, okay. So as much as I'm loving this conversation... Did we cover anything?

No, the special is out. Can I touch it? She's got a robot. She makes fun of men and women. It's great stuff. No, I don't. Not in this one, but mostly I do. That's mostly my brand.

So, go watch ATI with Whitney Cummings because we have to rush out of here so that she can answer questions and she crushed that. She's great. I love Whitney. I think I'm in love with her. Yeah, I want to go out to... i was like i was like fuck raya she just got engaged she had a fucking rock i ain't competing with that she didn't call me

charming she didn't call you charming i noted that i don't know if you did she also said you have nice hands so we know she was lying to you the whole time okay we know that everything coming out of her mouth was bullshit because she said your stumpy sausage fingers were fine yeah that was like come on but i mean listen she was showing me her bra she was pulling her hair she got wild bro now uh unbelievable so go go check out ati and hopefully there'll be a lot more to come with when you come and go watch her special a lot of her specials they're all very funny that she has like she has truly mastered the art i would honestly say that out of every comedian i've seen the gender differences men and women type jokes mars venus all that shit she has like completely unlocked that so if you're into that stuff go check out all of whitney's specials

particularly the new one though on netflix can i touch it? Now, another OG comedian in the game. Let's talk to Jim Brewer. Biggest Mets fan out there. One of the OG veterans of stand-up and movies. One of the wackiest guys out there. Jim Brewer, what do you got, bud? All right, Jim Brewer back on KFC Radio. I heard you were sitting in the green room

just clowning on my boy Feidelberg here. Well, it wasn't the green room. I was in the cooking show with Sean. We went bonkers with Feidelberg. What a name. Classic name. The whole reason he's here is because of the last name, to be honest. It's the only reason I got the job. I thought it was such a unique

name, and I thought it was actually Jewish at the time. Right. And in the beginning when Barstool first started, I was the only Gentile. It was all a bunch of Jews. Right. And I thought he was one more and I brought him on and it was going to be this funny thing. He'll be the New York Jew and I'm the Gentile. And then he was like,

okay, but I'm not Jewish. And I was like, what do you mean? Feidelberg. I'm from Boston and I'm a Catholic. Yep. Wow. So that became the whole thing. As you're legally obligated to be. You have to be. Fire to Berg. Fire to Berg with his brother Dermot and Aiden.

That's right, Jim Brewer. Those are my brother's names. That's right. Listen, you make sure you know whose don't come walking down the street. You're not. I'm talking about. You don't have the curling stick over there, Jim. who's, don't come walking down the street. You're not, I'm talking about. You don't have the curling stick over there, Jim. That's right.

I seen the stick, and you know that's what it's for. That's right. In case the bats start playing a bit too low. My father, Jim, Liam Nielsen, used to walk around with one of them. Yes. It was a dangerous fella. He would know when the wrong fella would come down the way.

Say, you don't belong here, do you, son? It's time for you. You're not a Feidelberg. You're more of something other descent. There's no taters in that sack. I don't like it. Holy moly.

Coming in hot. Jim Brewer, brother. Good to hear from you, man. I just mentioned, as we record this, the Mets just won again. Yes. Like 50,000 in a row. And 60,000 out of 61. What do you think that's at now?

14 of 15 or something crazy? 13 of 14, I believe. And 6 in a row and six in a row. Six in a row, 18 out of 23, something like that. I want to ask you this quickly. We'll talk about the stand-up and everything, but you have always been the shining beacon of Mets positivity. Yes.

And I have been on the other end of the spectrum, as pessimistic and negative as it gets. But more importantly, I take it a step further. I really don't like management or ownership. I really don't like how they handle things. So that's who I hate. Okay. But in the process, this season, I hated so much about it.

Yep. That I've been really down on them. And now all of a sudden things are going good. And I'm getting sucked back in. I'm giving my heart back over. I had kind of officially declared the season over. And so guys like you have stuck through and

I just don't know what to expect now. The easiest part of the schedule is over. The hard part is coming and I don't know what to think, Jim Brewer. I'm all fucked up. Here's the thing. I thought the season up. Well, here's the thing. I thought the season was over, too. Did you?

Absolutely. About when? My official date, because I know it. Mine was in June. Mine was June 26th. I said, it's fucking done. These guys, they're great on paper, but it's not coming together. And our GMs are clueless.

Our owners are stupid. But you thought it was over, too. Yeah. It was pissing me off that Cano was batting third every single day. Every fucking time. Why would you bat him third? You're killing the team. Did you hear when Mickey was like, well, we won six in a row, so you got to keep it going.

I'm like, no, you don't. He had no reason to be. Still, he shouldn't be batting anywhere up before seven or eight. Agreed. Even if he comes back. Or even in the fucking game, to be honest. Or in the game. Sit him.

Yes. It's okay. He never sat him. American League, he DH'd. Right. So sit the guy. The guy's 98 years old. So that, I was, you know what?

When I saw them, they blew some big, big games. And I realized Diaz and Familia are not only unreliable, they may be working under the drug cartel. And I really, I wouldn't, it wouldn't pass me if they're like, listen, you're not making no money. Familia, you're making no money. You, you're not making no money. We can help you with the money. You, you not making no money. We can help you with the money, but you gotta

help us. All you gotta do is, you know, oopsie-daisy. But we take care of your mother, your sister, your family. Familia, we take care of you.

You know? I was convinced the drug cartel. He was that good to then be that bad. That's a more plausible explanation. This guy hasn't lost since high school. He's gone 500 straight lights out night innings. He's 63-0. The Mets stole him for two kids in eighth grade. We got rid of Jay Bruce.

And now the guy is perhaps one of the worst. You know he's up there? He's no different than that. I can't stand him. Doodleberry. Doodle something on the Nats with the glasses and he holds his mitt up on his face. He's horrible. So at what point are you back in?

Are you skeptical still? Are you in? No, I'm – I'm actually surprised to even hear this because you were – I'm in, and I'll tell you why. I mean, you were the guy, like positive, the videos, the whole nine. And every once in a while, I'd make a negative, and everyone would jump on me. Don't be negative.

Uh-huh. Keep on speaking. I'm the other way. People like that don't. I come from a different sports world. He's a Boston guy, so he's winning left and right. He's evil. So I win a lot.

But I hate, even now, I have people jump on me like, you don't believe in the Red Sox. Right now, I don't. If you love a kid, you can discipline a kid and say, yo, look, you were fucking bad. You were bad in school. You're in trouble at home now. I agree. I still love you, but you need to fucking be better. And then if your kid all of a sudden starts getting straight A's

and he's killing it after extracurriculars, you're not going to be like, well, I said you were bad, so fuck you. I don't know. You're happy you turned around. Let's go. You proved me wrong. I'm happy you proved me wrong. They're coming in on the short bus right now.

So it's real good to be loose. We're going to move them. We're going to move them to the special class. There's five teachers in there. It's one-on-one. Okay. He's good. They're doing it.

They're excelling. But now we're going to put them in honors. Oh, shit. See what happens. So is that where you think that when the schedule changes, as it's about to right now, you think it's... Hardcore. This is the...

I don't think anyone has a harder schedule than the Mets. It's brutal. Brutal. But I've watched them. No one has blown them out. They beat the Dodgers. Had them beat. 3-4 in their fucking hands.

They beat the best pitchers in baseball. They beat every great pitcher in baseball. Diaz came in and just... Diaz, don't worry. We're up by seven. And we're up by six. They were sitting in third row. So that's why the Mets got Phil Regan. Phil Regan come from a different place.

He come from Massachusetts. Hey, listen, don't you worry about them little Latinos, my friend. We got some bigger boys in Massachusetts that are talking with them. Pitch the fucking ball. Yeah. You're with us now, son. No go. Come on in.

That's not what you want. You want to be on a boat. It's true. It's all true. Alonzo, and here's what I always said. Why are you not playing J.D. Davis every day? why are you not now they're playing him every day

why is McNeil not at second base? now he'll be there so now you have the set team that I've been saying this should have been the team and now Lugo has gone 31 straight batters without even walking.

Just all outs. If you haven't... I mean, if they don't just use him as a closer, it's fucking going to infuriate me. Then Brody has to be... You know what? He's like five guys smoking cigarettes. Brody! Hold on. Before you go anywhere, can I talk? Just a second.

Come over here. I'm done with the name. Hey, you're in New York. Your name is Brody. We tolerate it long enough. You got to get in the car. What? Get in the car.

It's so true. Yeah. Someone's got to give him a talk. Why are they playing Dean Martin? Well, my boy, it's the Scott. Do you think the Wilpons, with Canelo coming back, do you think that... No, Canelo's done. He'll be done this season, but he will play out the moon hits the sky. Do you think the Wilpons, if Cano comes back, do you think that changes? No, Cano's done. He'll be done this season, but he will play out the rest of his contract.

They will never send the money. That's right, he tore it, right? It wasn't true. I mean, he tore it. They say he doesn't need surgery, but, I mean, he's at least 36. Right, right, right. Off of PEDs, torn hamstring. No, he's done.

Whether you need surgery or not, it's over. But he'll be back next year, and they will play the money. I guarantee they will. You have to swallow that money. You're the next year, and they will play the money. I guarantee they will play. You can't. You're the Mets. You have to swallow that money. You're the Mets? They will not swallow the money. I know what you're saying, but that's the exact fucking opposite. That's what they do. And that's the kind of shit

that makes me want to tear my hair out. That's the kind of shit that made me say this shit is over. Let's say you win a World Series this year. It's crazy. Let's say it happens. Not impossible. A physical impossibility. Essentially what you're talking about in that situation is McNeil's fucking Brady, Cano's, Bledsoe. It's like they're going to go back to Bledsoe.

You're going to go back to Bledsoe. I mean, you know what? Brandon's like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. But, okay, let me tell you why. And this is how the Wilpons think. You would assume that they would say, listen, we we got to stick with what works and defend our title. They would go, well, we already got them a World Series. We've already made them happy, so let's play the money now.

That's how the Wilpons will think. That's why this is what concerns me the most about this run right here, is that they're going to get just good enough for the Wilpons to sell tickets in August and September, not make any moves in the offseason and say, we're a good enough team. What do you want? We almost made good enough team. What do you want? We almost made it last year.

What do you want? And when they should be saying, we got an awesome young core, we got an awesome young rotation, let's upgrade the bullpen, let's get some more help with the bats, and let's step on their throats and win a World Series. But at the end of the day, let me ask you this.

Was anyone bitching and moaning this when these moves were made? When they were made, people got their hopes up for sure. Because you did. You got what's called the best closer in baseball. You got rid of a lot

of money trapping you in the outfield with Jay Bruce and Swarczak who sucked hard. But you took on Cano, which, you know, that field with Jay Bruce and Swarczak who sucked hard sucked but you took on Cano well you had to that was like listen

we can't have this fucking guy you gotta help us out you want the kid you gotta get this alright but you gotta take this man this guy you gotta get him out of here when that happened when those trades happened I even

as the pessimistic skeptical guy I even let myself get sucked in and then especially when Kellanick started to be he looks like the next Mike Trout

it was like let's just shoot ourselves in the fucking head but now it's kind of is he really such a long way to go he's in

such a long way to go that's people taunting Brody I know so at the end of the That's people taunting Brody. I know. So, at the end of the day, I can't kill Brody for the moves he made

because at the end of the day, I was the first one going, I really like these moves. You opened up your outfield. You got rid of dead weight. You brought... Best closer. I don't care what Cano does. I don't care. I knew he was coming in being a big pile of wood. And then he's coming off steroids.

He's not going to last another year. Right. There's a lot of ballplayers I think right now that are so obvious that they did stuff. Yeah. They're always on the DL. Canton Judge. And there was a time where I have to say it might have been a Met or two. Probably, perhaps.

Without a doubt. And maybe they all do. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I know I would. Yeah. Fuck it, right? Come on.

$40 billion? I've always said if you are like a supreme talent, don't fuck with it. Because you're going to be good anyway. You make the Hall of Fame. You're legacy. I strongly disagree. To go to the Bonds level, you mean? I take it.

Yeah, I take it. No matter. I would always do it if I was – I don't care who I am. I'll take it right now. I'm a podcaster. If you knew you were doing a four-year extension at 20 mil each, I'm injecting large stuff in my ass. If you were Barry Bonds, like, lead off on YouTube.

Get me the alcohol sheet. Hurts so good. You just feel the money just running through your veins. I'm rich. You make it hurt so good. Sometimes money don't feel like a chew. Make it hurt so good. Boy, I can podcast my ass off.

I do it now. It's just alcohol instead of. Yeah, we poison ourselves. Everybody's pick your poison. But do a podcast. If I'm drunk, I'm probably going to be better at this. I am. Done. I like that. to be better at this. Bam. Done.

I like that. Whatever it takes, man. So I do. So, all right, let me just ask you, like, are the Mets going to make the playoffs? That's a hard question. I think they have a good possibility. Yes or no, Jim Brewer. They're making it.

Bam. Yeah, I knew you were saying it. You had to say it. Yeah, you got it. At this point, Jim Brewer. They're making it. Bam. Yeah, I knew you were saying it. You had to say it. At this point, you gotta say it. They actually are percentage-wise. I think they're better than the Phillies. The Nats. The Nats are good. The Nats are really good.

I think if the Mets, on paper, if they all play up to their potential, are one of the best teams, period, it's a matter of if they can continue to play that well against the good teams. I think DeGrom could. I think Syndergaard could. That DeGrom stat where it's like, what, 54 games now where he hasn't given up over three runs?

50 out of 54. He has a below 500 record? Yep. He won like 20. It's 50 out of 54 starts, three runs or less, and he has like 23 wins. Disgusting. Disgusting. He should have 50.

I think Strowman is a big key. Yeah, so do I. Everyone's talking about it. Friday night. If he lights out and tears the house down. He lights out.

This place is going to start to get a little too stupid. And he's big on social media. He's got the personality. He's hyping everyone. He'll leave that

mountain like throwing dirt. Yes. So go right to the phone and fucking mountain like throwing dirt. Yes, yes. So go right to the phone and fucking light the place up. Did you see Alonzo when he hit that thing another day? He's looking at the crowd going, come on! Come on!

And I started, I took my youngest kid and I threw her. Straight. I love it, man. So you're back on stage? Is that what's going on here? I'm doing a tour. I never did, well, I shouldn't say I never did, man. So you're back on stage? Is that what's going on here? I'm doing a tour. I never did, well, I shouldn't say I never did a tour. I haven't done a tour in, God, 14 years. Wow.

That's a long hiatus, man. That's no joke. Now, I do shows. Right. But for years and years and years, I just do shows. Like a one-off. Yeah, or, you know, three in a row, four in a row here, and every weekend. This is a very well-organized, we're going out, here's the first leg, here's the second leg, here's the third leg. How long?

I think like 30, until December 4th. August, what, 13th it starts, I think it was? Yeah, it gets heavy in October. October is like two weeks. November, two weeks. Will you take a break for the parade? I will. I tell you what, this is where I thought the Mets were.

Because I said, I'm not booking gigs at the end of October. And when the All-Star break, I said, book all of October. Because 2015, now, the way that whole thing went about... That crept up at the All-Star break, at the trade deadline, too. Well, the way that went about was I

made a video. My wife was watching me watch the game and she was laughing. I said, we laughing? I made a video. My wife was watching me watch the game. And she was laughing. I said, we laughing. She went, this is what you should be making videos of. What are you talking about? She's like, you as a lunatic recapping this game.

You're talking to the air. Make a video of it. And don't try to be all just be yourself. Do it. Yeah, yeah. And I went, holy, oh, my God, it's brilliant. Yeah. And then she went, do every game. I went, are you psycho?

There's 162 games. I said, I'll do the Yankee series. She went, no, do every single game. It's the kind of woman you want. It's like you realize you're signing off on me watching four-hour baseball games basically every night for fucking seven months. And that's what happened in 2015. Yeah.

I did every single game. So I had about maybe 50,000 to 100,000 people follow me every night. But then I didn't know they were going to make the playoffs. I didn't know they were making a World Series. And so I don't – that year reminds me a little bit of this year, but really, let's weigh another two. If Stroman could be Cespedes, it would be parallels. But like that's – I mean Cespedes was like all-time type of streak. Correct.

Never seen before type shit. Me either, but we may have that in Alonzo and Conforto. And they're just getting better. And Jeff McNeil. Conforto, McNeil, Alonzo, they are scary right now. And add a little sprinkle of J.D. Davis. My guy, double Davis. They're an intense team.

I like to see this. This feels good for me. But it's so. I win a lot, Jim. It's nice. I like to see this. This feels good for me. But it's so – Because Kevin's – again, I win a lot, Jim. It's nice. Yeah, I win a lot of championships. And I want one for my guy, and he's always so sad. And I'm ruined for you, bud.

But I just – my fear is, like, I just don't want to fall short. I'd rather it not happen at all. And what if you do? Well, then the Wilpons – but what I've realized is I'm not going to ever defeat the Wilpons anyway, so I might as well then uh well then the will pawn you know but what i've realized is i'm not gonna ever defeat the will pawns anyway so i might as well just no we're not gonna enjoy the ride it's like the system you know there's another one you know there's bradley will pawn exactly that face jeff will pawn has a son of course his name is fucking bradley right i mean it couldn't have been uh frank or something we're like oh we got some hope we got

fucking bradley will pawn and he's's going to just ascend to the throne. It's like Joffrey from Game of Thrones, and we're all fucked for the next generation too. So we might as well just enjoy what we can, what little crumbs may come down to us, because Bradley's coming. Fucking Bradley Wilpon. Fucking Bradley. I'm the guy smoking. Fucking Bradley Wilpon

Fucking balls out his kid Bradley Cooper What's the matter with you? You don't have to run a team Your father didn't know Your brother Nobody knows Get the fuck out of here

Take your sister with you Alright so you're back on Just leave it We're back on Going on a tour This is the first time on a tour I don't know How many cities are we talking?

Are you going far and wide? Holy shit. Five or something like that. Are you ready for that, man? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. You're like physically ready.

Ready. Ready. What's the city you're least excited to go to? There's got to be like an Albuquerque mixed in there or some shit. You're like... I'm actually... And it sounds like all corny and all that, um I'm actually and then it sounds like all corny and all that

but I'm actually pretty hopped up for all cause a lot of a lot of markets I've been to but I haven't been to

these venues or these little obscure areas that I'm playing like I'm not playing San Francisco I'm playing north of San Francisco in a place

I've never heard of uh I'm playing San Diego I there's um some new grounds some new territories, some new fans. I personally picked a lot of them. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

See, that's not something I would do. I'd be like, here, tell me where I'm going. You're very hands-on. We've been playing this for a while. So we've been playing this for a couple months. For years and years, I just was like, yeah, yeah, book me. Oh, I got to. Yeah, I'll go there and do that.

This is the. I learned a lot from Metallica. I went on tour at Metallica and learned what a well-oiled. Wait, what does that mean? Like you just rode along with them? Are you on stage with them? What are you doing with them? I toured with them.

I opened their shows. No kidding. Shit. Yeah, from September to March. Holy shit. The American, yeah, the American. I imagine people think that's a crazy party, although, I mean, they're getting up there in age.

What happens after a Metallica show? I'll tell you what happens after a Metallica show. Metallica comes off the stage. They shower, get in four different uh black sedans and they head to their learjet and the learjet brings them back to the city that they're staying for two weeks on the tour they jet into every show holy shit yeah the rest of us that's wild yeah that's the least fiscally responsible thing I've ever heard in my life. It is full-blown.

Holy shit. We are Rolling Stones. They are top of the top. It's like touring with fucking Google and Disney. That's crazy. It makes crazy. It makes sense, yeah. The rest of us, 110 crew, get on 13 different tour buses. So the show would end. I get on my tour bus.

It was the greatest gig ever. You get on the tour bus, and this is Metallica. They're not like, you want some chicken fingers? There's a guy going, where do you want it on the bus? I don't know. Wine? What kind of wine do you drink? A good wine?

How good? Really good? All right. Two bottles of Jim. What do you want? What? What kind of food do you want? I don't know.

You come on the bus. There's food. And you're waiting for it. I was on with all the techs, the lighting guy, the accountant, the stories. So we'd get on a bus, then we'd head to the next city, get there five in the morning, they hand you a card, there's no checking in. Here's your card, here's your key, here's your key, you go to your room, you sleep. And you're off all day. And then the next day, you're back on the bus at noon.

You head to the venue, and you're off until the show. Living like a fucking rock star. And at 7 o'clock, I'm going up at a Metallica. Or 7.30. I'm done by 8.15. I get the crowd all hopped up. I bring bananas on the stage, get them booed off. And then I bring Metallica up. It was the greatest gig I ever had in my whole life.

Holy shit. It was 34 cities. My head is still on my shoulders. Yeah. So now you know you're ready for this. And you're a huge Metallica guy too, right? Huge. Huge.

To me, the coolest part was I love the new album. The new album has this one song, which how it has not infiltrated into the sports world blows my mind. They have a song called Here Comes Revenge. It is such a great song. And to me, I keep waiting for it. Your team is down and your big hitter is coming up. Or they won the night before and now here comes Lugo to close the game. Kick in.

Here comes revenge. Kick in. Kick in. Kick in. Here comes revenge. Just all you. Songs like – I remember they were rehearsing one night in Nashville, and it was just that they would, before every leg, they would rehearse by themselves in the arena, no one else in there, just them and their techs. So I go in, I sit this close to you just watching, and they finish, and Lars goes, Jim, do you have any requests?

And I went, man, why don't you play here comes revenge the fans want to hear it everyone wants to hear that song and James went hmm wow that's yeah we'll work on that and the last leg these guys started playing here comes revenge and now they play look on the European tour, I'm like, here you go, every night. Every night. Every night. I'm like, holy shit. The Jim Brewer effect. So it was pretty. That's unbelievable, man. And now their fans, they follow me.

I get people from Sweden showing up at my shows and Denmark. The Metallica bump, it's real. Yes. And they would come see me at every single show. That's awesome. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

So after doing that, I was fully ready for this tour then. This is like cake. After seeing that and going, okay, this is, and they would sit me down like, dude,

you got to go on a tour, like a real tour. Yeah. Like, oh shit. All right. And this is how you plan it. And this is what you do.

And start going, okay, done. Let's start getting into this. So you're thinking Learjets? I was going to say. I think I'm not even anywhere close to Learjets. I'm not even close to a bus.

I'm sprint-de-vanning this thing. I may even Hertz rent a car, LX it. Maybe that's the top Jim Coe's. Dude, I think it's going to be a, I mean you've been around for a long time. Yeah. A lot of experience. Yeah. A lot of stories.

A lot of stories. I think it's going to be a hell of a tour. Where does it kick off? It's going to be a great tour. Yeah, where does it start? Where does it kick off? Long Island, September. Sorry, Huntington, right?

Yeah. So I do a residency there, which is another thing that helped out tremendously. I've done 18 months there. Residency Life is like different show every month so that really

you know once once I didn't do any specials for everyone's doing specials I don't have specials I learned some I'll say from

Seinfeld where I heard him say once why would I put on a special every year and I can't from Seinfeld where I heard him say once, why would I put on a special every year? And I can't use that material anymore. Where I actually had a two-hour special ready to go and whatever. There weren't a lot of Jim Brewer buyers. So I went, great.

Let's tell you what. Let's just film everything and then I'll just keep creating, keep creating. And it's really worked to my advantage. Hell yeah. So yeah. A full tour is the name of the game there. And where can people get tickets? Is it all over?

Go to officialjimbrewer.com. If you're a city card holder, you can get them now. Okay. But if you're not, then everywhere goes on sale Friday. Awesome. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Here you go. Tomorrow. Mañana.

I believe the parade would be November 7th. I think we scouted it all out. Oh, so I know where I fucked up. It was before I went on a why I brought the Mets up was because that year, 2015, for the first time ever, I got booked to tour Europe. And it was in October.

And all of a sudden, the Mets clinch. And I went, I called my agent. I went, eh. So wait, what did you do? I said, you know, on video, I'm getting like a million and a half a night. Do we want to play in front of 40 people in Denmark? Do I really need the Europe market right now?

You know what I mean? And he's like, oh dude, I'm already way ahead of you. I already canceled. I'm like, yes! Nothing better than canceling. All right, official Jim Brew is where it's at Get your tickets now if you're a city card holder Friday if you're not

And go check them out all over the country Thank you Turn around Look at what you see In her face The mirror of your dreams Make believe I'm everywhere Give it in the light

Written on the pages is The answer to a never ending story Never-ending story. I reach the stars. Lie a fantasy. Dream a dream. And what you see will be. Run again, there are secrets still. I'm pulled behind the clouds And there upon a rainbow is

The answer to a never ending story Story Soaring high