KFC Radio - Worthless Court Jester, Sam Morril, and Mark Normand

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

Where's the dirtiest place you could go amid the coronavirus pandemic? Feits had an embarrassing moment with his house cleaner. KFC phones a special expert to explain the stock market. The guys give an update on The Year of Mental Health and their experiences going to therapy. Voicemails include: Sleeping In Dirty Boxers, Lindbergh/Hitler Time Travel Hypothetical, and more. Sam Morril (58:51) returns to the show. We talk about how he put out his latest special on his own, working on The Joker, getting in a bar fight with a therapist, and more. Mark Normand (01:35:15) joins the show. We discuss him getting the cosign from Jerry Seinfeld, judging people based on their life and not their comedy, and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, brought to you by GameTime. Tickets are available right now, probably at their best price ever, and GameTime's gonna make sure you get them. Because that's what GameTime does, it's the best way to get your ticket prices in real time to all of the live events. You want to go see up to 60% off on last minute tickets that you can get right now using the game time app.

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and it's probably not smart. Why? Well, I mean, if you're going to buy into the idea, I mean, I went to a Knicks game, which is like thousands and thousands of people crowding into one spot. And then Friday night I went to a strip club, which is probably the worst. What are you talking about? I saw you Saturday. You didn't tell me this? Yeah, I wanted to a strip club which is probably the worst I saw you Saturday I wanted to wait for the podcast

I was just sitting there looking around and I was like this is probably the last place on earth you should be right now a Knicks game is whatever I feel like in New York City it is what it is if you live in the suburbs

and you're coming into the city for a game, that's one thing. I'm in the city. It doesn't really count. You come in every time. I'm talking about someone like my dad who lives and works, not in the city, and then goes to the town for a game. Making the choice to go there and do it. I'm surrounded by thousands of people every fucking day.

I work in Times Square every morning. It's going to happen. If I'm going to get sick, I'm going to get sick. Yeah. But a strip club, that's something. It's a bad idea idea this is a non-strip club podcast i know it was like i mean my friends are so desperate to make me be fun again it's like make kfc fun again and uh and you know well like the last time we used to be fun it was like the the this crew of guys used to love to go to flash dancers i'm like all like, all right, for old time's sake.

Let me tell you something. You've heard me wax poetic about Flash Dancers before. They changed locations, I guess, probably not recently, probably like 10 years now. It was like Jordan on the Wizards, man. It was a shell of its former self. I could not believe it. You're talking visuals of the establishment.

Or all of it. The establishment. The employees. It's like. The contractors, not employees. Right. Contractors. Like, it was so small.

So, like, I'm like, you know, there's this close. Like, you're getting a lap dance. And this girl's on stage. And I was just like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Dude. I was like, this is, this is not a good idea. When I went to Sapphire,

what like, this is, I think the last time I went to a strip club is 1% day. Uh, yeah. Whatever the fuck I said. 1% should be an action. And I,

I believe that was my last time. And it was like, uh, I guess it was like Metro North seating where it was, it was, it wasn't bench seating, but they weren't high, uh, armrests. Okay. And it was just me I guess it was like Metro North seating where it was – it wasn't bench seating, but they weren't high armrests. And it was just me sitting next to strangers. Yeah, yeah.

Like right there. Right. So I'm like – I don't like that anyway. And then as I'm thinking about like people are like, don't touch this and don't do that. I was like, I got to go. How long did you stay? Not long. I mean I had a couple friends who were who were into it and uh

i don't even know maybe i might be i might be snitching on people right now as far as as far as uh no people are concerned you know at this stage this is like uh uh this is like i don't know dating if you're friends with me now you know the deal you know something crazy is happening i'm talking right like so don't do it you know it's not it's not like i feel like like back in the day when we were much much much smaller but like in my friend group it was popular so friends did you write a blog about this yeah they'd be like you know i wouldn't name names i always change names and stuff like that but they're still like but there's like yeah and like now you know what i do for right and you don't't get me wrong. You hate me for it.

And it's annoying, but like, you know, now. And if it's an absolute must tell, I'm not going to tell it. If it's going to get you a slap on the wrist and it's, and it's entertaining for me. If it's going to get you fucking divorced, I'll keep it a secret. Right. And let me know, you know, let me know. I don't know what's going on at home. Maybe, maybe that would be a big issue.

So I got to know ahead of time. But yeah, I mean, I, I don't know what's going on at home. Maybe that would be a big issue. So I got to know ahead of time. But yeah, I mean, I don't know where I fall. I flip-flop back and forth on coronavirus. And part of me is like, I mean, I guess we just got to keep talking about this because it seems silly to not talk about anything else. It is on trend right now. This is maybe more shocking than the graph itself of infected. It is going to be the most Googled search in history. And like quickly.

Because you know what? It's a good sign because motherfuckers are trying to learn. Like people are like, all right, I got to figure out what the truth is here. Because, you know, you're reading tweets, you see reports, you don't know what's real, what's not. But I think, you know, it's like, I don't think we need to like stop the world

but i think we can probably all admit by now that it's something different than just the flu yeah the people who believe that it's just the flu i can't tell if they're idiots or if they're trying you know like i don't know maybe if hypothetically like you have a boss who has a lot tied up in the stock market and maybe he's just trying to put the country on his back and stop the hysteria with his tweets. Maybe that's his plan. Or maybe he's just an idiot who actually thinks the common flu is the same thing as the coronavirus, because these numbers are starting to become kind of like shout out Tico, Texas numbers never lie. Like, yeah, there's more cases of the flu and more deaths of the flu. But the rate at which people are dying from this is a lot different.

It's one of those things where it's fucking the it's like people like where it's like, well, the flu kills more. You don't get that. Well, we have prevention techniques for the flu. We know how to plan for the flu vaccine we know how to we know how to cure the flu right none of those things work on this so it's different well that's what i'm saying i'm like i can't i i am no expert and i'm susceptible to like you know hearing some shit and running with it just like anybody else but there are certain basic things that are different. That like the rate at which people are dying is different and the idea that there's no treatment for it. That's just like a fact.

Maybe it's a cure for the flu or whatever, but there are treatments. There is none for this. It's like getting gonorrhea versus a fucking herpes. Right, right. One's gone, one's not. This one, we don't know how to fix it yet. Right. There's no cure for this one's not this one we don't know how to fix it yet right

like there's there's no cure for this one it's a little fucking different right and i and again now that doesn't necessarily mean that there needs to be mass worldwide hysteria but let's admit that it's different right right i mean the idea that people are dying at a much different rate than this disease is a big deal yeah there's when when a new thing comes to the world and completely shocks everybody and there's no preparation we don't even know how to test for it but we know how to test what we just don't have the test for it is surprising we'll say i don't i don't agree with the hysteria i'm going huh i go i go out i do everything i'm not doing anything different really i am washing my hands but like aside from that i'm not i'm do everything. I'm not doing anything different really. I am washing my hands.

But aside from that, I'm not – every day I'm not worried. I don't think anyone should be. But it's just like – Grandma and grandpa should be worried. Yeah. But the rest of it is just like there's somewhere to be in the middle with like this is fake and everyone panic. It's just like, all right, I'm washing my hands. I would be a little courteous and be concerned about everyone else. And then, I don't know.

I'm sure it'll be fine. So Trump's last tweet. Was it gas prices went down? Is that what he said? Good for the consumer. Gasoline prices are coming down. He said, so last year, 37,000 Americans died from the common flu. It averages between 27,000 and 70,000 per year.

Nothing gets shut down. Life and the economy go on. At this moment, there are 546 confirmed cases of coronavirus with 22 deaths. Think about that. I'm like, okay, Donald, I'm thinking about that. 22 people out of 500 dying is a pretty fucking big number. We're talking like 4%.

Like, if, how many people are at Barstool? That was fast math. What did you do before? You prepped? I did the, well, I did the 22 at 500. It's like 4%. But at Barstool, there's 200 people here now? Yeah.

So 4% would be, that would be eight. If eight people at Barstool just died, that would be a big deal. That would be a big deal. That's more fast math. Congratulations on that. Yeah, I was going to say, let me go check that real quick because. There would be maybe one of them whose funeral I'd go to. Yeah, eight people.

I mean, I would go to like, how many people would you go to? Probably one. I'm just guessing. Depending on who. Odds are there's one of those people who's like, I'd be like, I should go to that funeral. Because you know what I would do? It would have to be like an OG member. Because once we're out, there's like only like a couple delineations.

They're like, are you OG? Are you Milton? Are you new office? Are you new new office i can't keep going through all it to me it's like you got to be like you can't set a precedent yeah like that's what i mean original like six and if you're not outside that you're done you know which is tough there's gonna be some people let off there uh cut off there that really probably deserve me at their funeral but no i'm higher than that i bet there are 30 people

you know but but the problem is if you go to 30 people's funeral, not going to the 31st is like you're an asshole. Well, it also depends on where the funerals are. True. They got to be local. Is the funeral across the street? 30 people. Right. Because guess what?

I can't travel right now. Quarantine. But you know what I mean? It's like if I just say, listen, I'm only going to my like five friends. And if you're outside that, I'm sorry. At least they can go like, all right, well, he's only going to like the original original people because if you if i tell you would i be i'll go to this 30 wedding party i'm not going then i mean then i am going right aside from that basically that's where i'm at i think that's a good rule of thumb because if i say all right i've been to 30 funerals and you're the 31st and i don't

go you're gonna think like well what's one more well they're dead so who cares well their family you know their family yeah i don't even, you're going to think like, well, what's one more? Well, they're dead. So who cares? Well, they're family. Fuck their family. Yeah. I don't even know their family. I barely know them. Right. It is one thing. I guess.

I don't know. I never understood. We're supposed to do a weird, weird world where it's like where everyone's like family, not everyone, but a good portion of us are like family. And then, but we've also never met each other's families. Right. Where it's like, so we're like friends, but we're from out of town. So we don't know each other. I mean, there was the longest time nobody had been met each other's families right where it's like so we're like friends but we're from out of town so we don't know each other i mean there was the longest time nobody had been to each other's houses like apartments i mean that's still exactly you haven't

been to my place you've been to mine once yeah and i haven't been to keith's in like two apartments i've never been i don't know everyone to keith's never been i've been to keith's in one apartment it's like why but he's been there for two years now uh yeah it's not but i'm not i'm okay with it i'm not like yeah it's weird it's like yeah i don't need to see your place i actually people got mad at me pictures of your place no thanks yeah it stinks my place stinks i was talking in the first person there but mine too mine too yours definitely mine too i remember i think it was maybe more for you more of a uh uh like they wanted an excuse to to get together or maybe they were just like desperate for me to be social again but when i like got a new apartment people

were like you're gonna do like a housewarming i'm like uh i'm a single father downgrading from a house to an apartment because my life fell apart we don't need to like greet this place warmly okay this is a fucking flop house that i am forced to be in because of my life taking a drastic detour i'm not interested in showing off the kitchen okay i don't i'm not proud of like you know look at the walls look at the floor i fucking hate this place it reminds me every day of the hellscape that is my life don't even bring sage it won't work here the demons in this place are deeply embedded and a fucking big fat joint won't be curing anything short of setting the whole place on fire that's the only way to smoke out the bad vibes in this place oh my god like no you don't need to come

apartments how about this so i woke up this morning and uh oh boy this is embarrassing oh no wow that's bad considering everything we've been saying recently the disclaimer of oh boy this is embarrassing it's a bad sign this it's all right so it's not that embarrassing it's not as bad like i mean i told without relative i told without flinching about shitting in my bed this isn't that it's close um The strangest thing is embarrass us. Yeah. So this will be embarrassing. I don't know.

I'm just going to tell it. So I woke up this morning. I didn't know the cleaning person was coming. Okay. And I, last night I ate in bed. I couldn't fall asleep. So I was like, I got to eat. And so I was just eating fistfuls of honey, honey nut Cheerios in my bed.

Okay. And a bunch of them fucking spilled in my bed. And like I rolled over midnight. I woke up covered in crumbs. And that's not the bad part. I was going to say. Embarrassed already. But then I was getting in the shower.

I kind of said hi to Richard. Richard cleans my apartment. It's so funny that it's a male. Yeah, it is. He listens to podcasts a lot. He just listens to them on full blast. Smart guy. But I shower and everything, and then I leave,

and I was walking out of my apartment, and I was like, oh, fuck, I forgot my water bottle. So I was walking with my water bottle. And I got one more flight downstairs, and I went, oh, fuck. I have my bad sheets on my bed. And my bad sheets have just gotten worse and worse. There is a massive stain on these sheets that is red wine. Because one night I fell asleep with my sleep juice.

With the glass. No, not the glass. It was the bottle. Don't be ridiculous. But I didn't put the cap on all the way. So, like, wine just seeped out all night. It wasn't like a big pour. It was just like a... But that turns into a big pour. It was just like a –

But that turns into a big pour. Right, right, right. If your dick just dripped all night, that would be a big puddle you wake up in. I hope your dick's not dripping all night. So I woke up in a big puddle of red wine. But they're expensive shoes and they're very comfortable. So I just washed them and I just sleep in it. It's quote-unquote clean now.

Right, it's just a stain. But now it looks like – is it blood? Is it shakes? It's been washed like two or three times. Right, so, it's just a stain. But now it looks like, is it blood? Is it shit? It's been washed like two or three times. Right, so now it's just a discoloration. There's just this massive, kind of red, kind of brown stain in the middle of my bed.

That does it. It's nothing. It's just wine. But... Really nice sheets. You gotta leave, it's like your blackout note tour. Yeah, I think about it until I got out.

So I'm not gonna look at Richard and say, nah, poop, yeah. You're gonna bring it up to him? don't be ridiculous i mean it'd be funny if you were like if you next time you see him you're like um like what do you think of my wine sheets just to just to clear the air to me to me i would clear the air that's not poop or blood if i if i'd thought about like he's gonna and he's gonna make the bet he's gonna make it yeah if i'd thought about it i would have gotten an empty bottle of wine and just thrown it in the bed. Yeah. And then it would have been like, oh, okay, that's what that is.

Oh, he spilled the wine, yeah. But it wasn't until I was already basically out of my apartment. And then it was, well, what am I going to do, walk back upstairs? I love that rather, like if you were back there, rather than just taking the sheets off yourself, the thing would have been like, let me just grab an empty bottle, which I'm sure is like under your bed, and just throw it there. That would be be the solution that's the fucking smart thing people panic about this shit i i think i've talked i've definitely told this before i don't know on the podcast where but you know it's people worry but when you piss the bed visit for younger

people listening uh the six-year-olds um when you like you know if you pass out drunk in bed with someone you piss the bed and you're trying to decide grab a drink what to do in the morning you get a water bottle yeah and you just fucking take the cap off and you put it between you two yep bam whoops i dropped water in the bed it smells a little bit like pee for some reason i dropped my water yeah drunk water drunk peas drunk pee never smells like pee that's just fucking water yeah yeah or or you'd be like man we did some fucking last night we know that's not true we know that's false uh monster episode on on deck for you today if you are a fan of stand-up comedy we got two guys today that are just true blue comedians sam murrell and uh mark normand who are like as technically sound and expert uh comedians as you will find literally on this planet Earth.

Sam has a new special out that he dropped on YouTube because all the networks passed on him like a bunch of fucking morons. And by now it's probably pushing like 1.5 million views. All solo, all on his own. Just like proof's in the pudding man the fucking views are there because it's a hilarious special uh and mark normand is a guy who has gotten the co-sign from jerry seinfeld and he rolls with sam and a couple of the other new york city comedians who are like uh dedicated to the craft so uh two guys on today that are much funnier than than a lot of the comedians you probably know and watch and see get pushed on your netflix and all that shit so give them a listen and figure it out uh and we'll get into our voicemails yeah

no we got to talk well i was gonna ask you about the stock market yeah you got questions about the stock market not really because i don't got answers, bro. Let's do it. You know what? Yeah, I'm an accountant. I was not even really. I mean, you have a fucking CPA. A decade ago. I got an MBA. MBA?

See how important those letters are? You don't even fucking know what they are. You're not a CPA. No. You had an MBA. That was one of my cutoffs. On top of the fact that I was just very bad at what I was doing, a of people around me were studying for the cpa and that was like the next natural thing and i was like i ain't doing that a lot i mean and then there was people doing the cfa the cfa

is fucking insane what's that see what's that chartered financial analyst that's like that to the nba you go to school you get your letters you do some networking that's really it you got to pass some classes it's more about like fighting meeting people you know connections and then you have the letters after you cfa in order to pass the test that means like you know what the fuck you're talking about it's a three level test i think they say level two is like the hardest test on the planet and that's like here's the number here's the money here's the interest rate like what do you do like figure out the answer so that's like if you if you become a cfa you know what you're doing with money whereas an nba you can kind of like snake it till you make it cfa is just like yeah okay you you understand what you're doing so my point being

that there's the cfa which is like the hardest the cpa which is much easier the nba which is a total joke and then there's us so i mean i'm I'm not going to answer anything you want, but we should talk about it because it is a Black Monday for sure. And listen, as the quarantine hits, it's time. I mean, this is Postmates time to shine. Yeah, this is it. They actually just added the drop off of the door. Drop off of the door. So shout out to Postmates being proactive here. When you open up the app, you can select door drop-off, no contact delivery,

where they'll just put the food at your doorstep. So if you're worried about meeting, you know, I mean, it's kind of, it's not like when they come to your door, you like hug and kiss them. It's like they're going to hold the bag and whatever. It makes you feel safe. Yes, and it's a smart move. It's like a nice little PR move. People are talking about it. It looks you feel safe. Yes. And it's a smart move. It's like a nice little PR move. People are talking about it.

It looks like you're being proactive. But when the quarantine hits, I mean, imagine being those 10 million people in Italy. It's like you can't go anywhere. Postmates, baby. I don't understand that either. Well, yeah, we'll discuss that too because I'm a little confused on that front as well. But you can get your fast food delivered, your sushi delivered uh yesterday i got what did i get delivered yesterday from postmates i got drano i got paper towels and i got you really do like you do it big with that

i usually just go get that stuff yeah i um i'm i'm pretty i'm pretty food only yeah no i well i i because i had food i had taco leftovers that i was making because I've been on this taco kick. Making tacos is the best. Best. Every Monday or whenever I do it, usually the beginning of the week, I make two pounds of taco meat, and I just eat tacos all week long. I've been doing it for like 16 straight days. Really? Yeah.

I have everything else. I've got tomatoes, lettuce. I've got sour cream. I've got the tortillas, and I just make tacos all the fucking time. I mean, I'm not kidding you. It's been like 15 straight days I've had tacos for dinner. They're good. They're really good.

They're fucking delicious. They're really, really good. And so I started to reheat that and make it. So I was like, all right, I can't go out now, but I do need to get those things. So I just had them delivered. Postmates are just like, think of something, and you want it, and you'll have it in an hour. Max. It's amazing.

My mom was saying something recently. She was like, one day there'll be, I bet your phone, you'll be able to push something and you'll get it. Mom, that exists. That's happening. With everything. My Shake Shack gets here in 20 minutes. It's great. It would take more time for me to go out.

It just arrived. It's magic. And right now, they are doing the deal of the century with $110 off your delivery charges for the first seven days, which in Quarantinaville, you're going to need every last delivery. So go download the Postmates app, use the promo code KFC when you start with your free deliveries, you get $110 off of delivery credit. So you can get food. You can get toiletries. You can get everything.

It's on Apple. It's on Android. No more trips to the store. You don't even need to know where the store is. You know what I mean? Stores, I don't know where they are. They are in my house now because it arrives. Postmates, promo code KFC for $110.

Yeah, I mean this market opens today. It was immediately down 1,800 points, which I'm pretty sure is, like, historically bad. And I think they halted trading right away. It was like, we're fucked. But I think that's, like, real bad. But what does that mean, Kevin? Like, teach me.

Yeah. And also, what does it fucking matter? What does that mean? What does it matter individually? If I'm investing in the stock market, what does that matter? Cause either three things are going to happen. Well,

if all of your stocks are down, that means, uh, you know, your portfolio is, but you're not taking the money out. Right. But like sometimes,

so, so it's either going to come back or it's not. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're right. We're not talking about like liquidity where it's like all your money's gone, but let's say,

you know, uh, I guess this is more like not really stock market, but when I needed to sell my house, we needed to sell it then, and the market was down, and that was it. You're fucked. You know what I mean? So if you are not able to ride it out or you do need to, I don't know, get some money out or whatever. I saw people talk about 401Ks today. Yeah, I don't know get some money out or whatever like the end i said we'll talk about 401k today yeah i don't know 401ks i don't like when you ask me questions like this because i

don't know the answer either and then um let's just podcast this yeah but but like you're the dumb one when it comes to this stuff and i'm supposed to kind of know it but i don't really know these things either like oh yeah 401k looking like i don't know i'm not gonna be able to touch it for 60 years yeah so who gives a shit right i don't fucking care about that that seems particularly i don't know how my 401k was looking when it was looking good i don't know i don't even know if i contribute to 401k i know i do and i know i know we don't match which is bullshit barstool yeah um what's the fucking point that means i'm just taking away my own money and locking it's not getting taxed yeah but i mean that's another thing pre-tax this it's like oh but it's like the like what i don't know who fucking what does it matter well i don't understand

why the stock market is so important because who the fuck like what what number what percent americans have stock market stocks i would bet it's below 10 yeah i mean you gotta think there's a lot of people who like't even have a bank account. Right, so how does that dictate the economy? Because it's not affecting most of the people. I think it affects interest rates, which that can affect your money directly. Interest rates on your credit card, your house, your mortgage, whatever, that can affect you directly. Maybe oil prices and shit, that's always a thing you know going down good for consumer um the only

thing i mean what i'm telling you here is i don't know the answer the only thing corona has done for me this this is the bullshit this is the bullshit with the american education system why don't i don't know what the fuck anyone's talking about? You should know what people talk about and teach me about those things. I don't give a shit about anything else. I want to know what people are talking about when I'm 31 years old. I want to have a fucking clue about what's happening

in the world when I'm an adult. And adults talk about adult things. When I talk about spilling wine in their fucking bed and crumbs. When I talk about having a cleaning man come over to clean fucking cereal and wine out of their bed i'd like to be able to contribute to those conversations okay so my crumb cleaner came over the other day my bed crumb cleaner you guys want to talk about that i'm yeah i'm so goddamn worthless yeah i bring nothing to the table unless you look like i'm a legitimate court jester

right only or only a retarded one right like like i have special needs make me laugh they just didn't know what special needs were yet so god it's just funny that's me i'm a modern version of that because i don't know what's happening i don't know anything they're like they have the big important meetings and they have the big important meetings. They have the meetings and the king and the fucking and the first lieutenant. See what I mean? So the king and the first lieutenant

have their meeting. And they're like, all right, good. We talked about the stock market. Bring in the idiot. So what'd you do last night? I threw you in my bed and then I fucking

spilled wine everywhere, and now my cleaning guy has to deal with it. Like, all right, run along, idiot. Back to your cage. Thanks. Thank you very much, fucking stupid ass. Thank you, First Lieutenant. I'll be here all week.

You should. Give me your time. Oh, the soil prices go up, I guess. I don't know, maybe, whatever. Yeah, the Dow and the S&P. Oh, shit. It fucking makes me feel sad. Did you just say S&P?

I don't know. No, I said S&P. I said S&P. Like, I don't fucking... I don't know. I'm just tired SMP. I said SMP. Like, I don't fucking... I don't know. I just... I'm just tired of being dumb. I'm tired of it, man.

It's fucking... Tired of being dumb. That's the new logo. That's the new slogan for the fucking show. It's JFC Radio. I'm tired of being dumb. Day in, day out. I don't know what's going on outside of this studio.

The only place I have any value, any worth, is inside these four walls. Aside from that, you could just throw me away and no one would blink. A conversation wouldn't be lost. Nothing would change. No value gone. There's nothing. You lose nothing if you lose me because I contribute nothing. If you die from coronavirus, that would be the only way your death means something.

You die from coronavirus. Otherwise, just throw them out in the trash. Nobody misses a beat. That's it. That's it, man. When you said first Lutensi...

See what I mean? So, yeah, I feel like a fucking asshole. Oh, my God. Why does the stock market matter? does anything matter why does it make sense it's it's it's like i just want to know why i don't know i have something wrong with my brain where i just don't get why anything matters yeah and no one can explain why it does to me like anything like anything i'm calling my mom no i can I can't explain why. My mom's going to explain this to us. She knows this shit.

Let's see. Let's see if she can break it down for us idiots. Yeah. I feel like she's pretty good at talking to me because I'm a moron. Come on. She never does an answer. You've got to be kidding me mom that's disheartening that's but also like that's the perfect way i was gonna say and so we just continue being dumb now we just go out i'll grab a guy who cookies on my

way to my desk i'll put my feet up i don't know i'll look at red Reddit and that'll be it I'm working on improving myself in so many ways well not really that's a quick little tidbit for everyone here say you're working on things yeah I'm working to improve myself not even like I'm working on it and people are like well okay he's working on it

I go home and watch TV that's what I do we both had you know we declared uh year 2020 the year of mental health and we both kind of had the revelation that um therapy is just uh scheduled complaining oh it's just like what what she called me back yeah here we go we'll get the therapy in a second yeah we're gonna be on the stock market first work on brains don't tell me anything bad no no no i uh we're recording the podcast right now uh i put i put you on speakerphone can you explain to me and john uh like we're idiots because we are why the stock market matters

like when the stock market is down like it is right now why on a individual scale you know not not everyone in the world has their money invested and nobody's taking it out necessarily right now so why does it really matter right now that the stock market's down 1800 points at the open and in general well you really are stupid that is amazing for instance i always told you up, take it down to a family level when you can't understand the big picture. Right, right. So that's what we need to do. Right. I was going to replace the sidewalk.

And now my money is gone. So I am no longer replacing the sidewalk. So that's affecting the guy who would have done the sidewalk. Okay. Companies like Apple will start laying people off and service people who don't have, you know, health insurance and don't have days off and don't have vacation. And they're just like, well, if you don't work today, you don't get paid today. So we don't have any work for you because we don't have any product coming in

and we don't have any demand. Okay. I get it. I get it. it yeah it was a great eli5 thanks ma all right so next we're going to tackle that there actually was a lunar landing and the idea the idea that our technology was that of a toaster in the 60s is ludicrous. Did you ever hear of the atom bomb? How do you think they dropped that? With a toaster? Did you say they figured out fusion and vision and every other kind of vision with a toaster? All right. You don't have to rub it in.

I believe in the lunar landing. Kevin's the idiot there. You don't have to rub it in. I believe in the lunar landing. Kevin's the idiot there. You don't have to rub it in, Ma. I'll call you after this, all right? At least I want you to be smart. Yeah, well, that's what we just realized. I've got a lot of money. John just poured out his heart saying, I'm so sick and tired of being dumb.

And what he does is he asks me these questions because I'm supposed to know the answer. Because like you just said, you poured out a bunch of money for me to get educated. And guess what, Ma? It didn't work. I'm not. No, you're educated. They just didn't teach you about the right thing. Yeah, that's the problem.

It's not our fault, Ma. It's the teachers. They were busy teaching us stupid stuff. Well, I think that, you know, like even the stuff they were teaching you would tell you that there was more technology than a toaster. Shut up. Shut up, Ma. I'll call you later. see all right so that makes sense yeah that makes sense i didn't i didn't want to interrupt i don't get why she can't do the sidewalk though because she was gonna take her money out of the stock market well i i think when you when you like i i think

when you don't have as much as you once thought or if you're not worth it yeah it's like it's like you know especially at her age when she's talking about you're not worth it yeah it's like it's like you know especially at her age when she's talking about like retiring and shit like that it's like i can't spend you know a thousand dollars to fix a sidewalk right now because times are bad okay so i i mean i guess i get it but it also doesn't you know sound like it's fucking the end of the world so someone's gonna trip over the sidewalk i I don't know. Whatever. That's my mom, though. She really doesn't like that I don't believe in the Ludo Land. Yeah, she... I didn't realize that was a dinner table conversation.

I thought that was just on the podcast. Apparently. I mean, we have not done that conversation in a long time. So that's just been sitting there festering. I have a retarded son who doesn't believe in the fucking Moonland. I love when you get to those moments sometimes where they call back something that wasn really a big deal for you and you're like oh that was yeah that one that one hit only bothered you yeah i got plenty more that came from that's the one all right voicemails are brought to you by we were doing therapy things oh therapy doesn't work

no i could it's crazy you forgot therapy there yeah that was that was a three minute detour i i well i mean therapy i guess works i think That was a three-minute detour. Well, I mean, therapy, I guess, works. I think... I don't know how to say this without sounding like being an asshole or an ignorant asshole. Probably just going to say it. But I feel like we talk about... Why stop now? Yeah, we're on a roll.

I feel like maybe my therapist is bad, but I feel like I'm answering my questions more than like he is. And maybe that's the point is that it's like some Aristotle shit, but they're not answers. They're just, they're just me being like, or Socrates, I don't know,

whichever one. Uh, they're just me like explaining my issues and then being like, well, I guess this is what I should do to fix it. Right. Right. But like,

how do I practically implement that and do it? I don't really know, and he doesn't help me do that. So it's just like, yeah, I know that here's my problem, and I know this is the way I should be because of X, Y, and Z. And when I don't, this is what happens. And if I did do it, it would be better this way. So I should do this, but I'm not going to. Yeah, that's basically how it goes.

I was talking to my mom about it this weekend, and she's like, how's it going i was like it's fine so do you find it helpful i'm like not really yeah like i'm envious of the people who are like oh i walk out of therapy and like everything is better you know why i walk in therapy things are worse i think my thing is i'm so i'm such a jester like i go i'm just trying to make her laugh yeah yeah and then it's comedy like last like i haven't gone two weeks because she didn't laugh that much last time. I'm like, what the fuck, man?

She doesn't even like me? I've said this before. I still don't tell the truth, which makes no sense. But I'm just so embarrassed of certain things in my life that I'm like, I'm not even going to tell this perfect stranger who means nothing to me about it. I also don't know what's wrong. Does that make sense? I go in there. She's like, so what's up?

Yeah. I'm like, oh. Was I supposed to have something? Yeah. Did you prep for this? Did you do your homework? I got nothing. She's like, what's up yeah like I'm like oh where was I supposed to have something yeah like I should you prep for this yeah I got nothing she's like well sometimes I'm talking about I'm like I don't know I'm trying to just get into like a fucking rhythm of doing this I got you tell me like tell me what I'm supposed to want yes that's kind of my thing is they're like well what's up I'm like although when I was talking to my mom this weekend she's like yeah like I'm happy you go like your dad didn't want you to go when you were younger because it felt like you were keeping secrets. I was like, well, that's why I should have gone.

Because your dad didn't let the kids go to therapy when you were kids because he felt like he was keeping secrets. Like, yeah, no, I should have been in therapy then. 100%. That is the textbook definition right there. I'm more like, they'll be like, so, you know, last week we talked about like this, you know, like what's happened since then? I'm like, well, we've only got an hour, bro. So we're like, we are touching the tip of the tip of the iceberg here.

So where do you want to begin? Oh, well, I don't know. Like there's 50 million problems. So I mean, it's good i guess um you know the ordinary pen keep it all pent up is when you explode but i don't also see the other other end of the spectrum where it's like you're actually fixing things i did that's all we've also probably been going for like a cup of coffee i think people go to therapy for 10 years yeah i don't know probably two months now. It was after, I've been going back for two months.

It was like, what do you want? I'd like to feel things. I'd like to know why things matter. Not there yet. I haven't even touched the surface. Why should I be mad about this? Are you not? I'm not.

Then we'll move on. But I should be. Why am I not? That's what i said you know the dude the reason i started going back i think i've said this on the show i forget was i was watching broadchurch and fucking oh yeah because he did the miller accent now i woke up and i was just fucking angry i was like i haven't been that in 20 years yeah yeah i haven't i would like to overreact to something. I would like to be irrational. I'm going to start screaming about stuff. Yeah.

All right, that happened. Okay. Whatever. I mean, I'd rather be that way than the other end. I don't know. It's a fucking grass is greener thing. Yeah.

Eventually when nothing matters, you're just like, what the fuck am I doing here then? Grass is always greener. I just need to live on the blacktop. No grass anywhere. If I could not see any grass, if I couldn't look over at my neighbor's grass,

I wouldn't fucking care. Makes sense. So just live on a fucking blacktop. I'd be mentally homeless. Yes. Yes, I want to be mentally living on the street where it's just like, I don't even know what your grass is like.

And I don't even know what my, I don't have grass. I can't see your grass, so I'm not jealous of your grass fuck grass therapy 2020 fuck grass voicemails are brought to you by let go uh so let go if you're uh a lot of people spend a lot of time indoors right now and you probably need some extra space you're looking around you'd like to uh you know if you and your family and your kids and your grandma and your grandparents are all going to be hanging out indoors, there's going to be a lot of bodies floating around. There's going to be a lot of stuff in your way.

There's going to be a lot of old clothes and shoes and toys and tchotchkes and all that sort of stuff. I love that word. Like tchotchke. It's a great word. It's a catch-all. You know, it's just like all those tchotchkes. And so you It's a catch-all. She was like, all those tchotchkes. And so you're going to need extra space in your apartment to ride it out. So you've got to move those things.

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the people who need to acquire stuff. It's going to be the best price possible because it's all local. No matter what your need is, LetGo can help you get it done. Go to LetGo today and live and let go. Voicemails, let's do it, Nick.

Hey, guys. So I have a story that I think is as fucked up as we all are. So a friend of ours was saying that when his wife turns him down in bed for sex, that she's asleep and you know the normal i'm i'm too tired that he just takes care of himself in the bed right next to her um he also shared with us that he will then finish in his boxers and then go to sleep in those same boxers so we we want to know how fucked up, one, is it to jerk off and come next to your significant other,

and two, to then sleep in your crusty-ass boxers. So we'd love your opinion. We're all concerned that you're as fucked up as we are, and y'all think that's normal. So we'd love to hear your opinion. Thanks.

Bye. You can't come in your own boxers and sleep in them. It's not normal. It's not normal. It's not abnormal. It's not. Okay, here's the deal. Do you do this?

I have done it. And why? Just hungover or something. I've never done it with someone in bed. That's the weirder one for me. I feel like that's because you haven't lived that life yet. I feel like it is not normal and it's not that

guys, husbands think it's normal. It's our sign of protest. It's like, alright, well I'm going to jerk off right here next to you then. You're going to do this again for the 500th night in a row? I'm not even going to go to the bathroom anymore. It depends where I'm at. Okay? If I'm like full soft, flaccid as hell, I'm not doing that.

I'm not working myself up in bed. If I'm fucking full staff, I want to go to sleep. My mind's racing. I'm thinking things. I want to just get rid of it. I don't know. I'd be too nervous to get caught. Well, I think you almost get to the point where you're almost like, I hope I get caught,

you know? Like I hope you, you're a real pervert, huh? I mean, I, I, I feel like I've done this, but I usually, I've done, you know, I used to do my patented, you go to the bathroom, you put the porn on one volume and you, you watch and you listen, you watch, you listen, you watch and you listen you watch you listen you watch you listen you finish it off i i think doing it in the bed is when you are that is like the last straw that is that's the last gun in the bullet like i'm doing it in the bed that's borderline sexual harassment yeah i mean it is i think that's kind of the point is like i'm gonna make you feel uncomfortable for this you bitch because you know what it is too

it's like and i'm imagining unless you're like really trying to make a fucking show out of it you're just pounding off but instead it's just like a like the bed's just like gently rocking you know what i mean like this you ever try to i've done if you're drunk now wait now that i've now that i'm talking through i've definitely done this because I've definitely done it where you're trying. I'm trying not to get caught. Do you know how long it takes to come when you're jerking off so that nobody can hear you laying next to you? You jerk. It takes like an hour.

It takes a zillion strokes and you're going like you can't. Your arms can't be moving. Your breath can't be too high. your arms can't be moving, your breath can't be too high, your heart can't be racing. It takes so long to come jerking off next to somebody. Dude, that's, the only difference between you and Harvey Weinstein is that-

Nope, we're cutting that. No. A suit, a plant, and a pair of testicles. That is just sexual harassment in a bed. You know, it's like, why should I have to go to the bathroom? A man should come in his own bed and apparently in his own boxers. To me, you come in the boxers boxes but you don't like put them out you don't

so this guy like jerks off like under his boxers and just comes and then yeah I'd probably just take the boxers off and throw them on the floor that's what I'm saying you come into the boxers you get rid of them

I mean there's just been times where it's like I don't know where I come in I don't even know if I did come like I don't know whatever I'm done I think like that's my pillow talk after sex

I'm done I think I'm done I think it's over i think i finished i don't really know how this works i don't i don't think i do sex around i don't think i do i think i borderline masturbate right i don't think i do sex right it's i don't know whatever shit you can't sleep in your cum you probably shouldn't do this but i also understand the form of like peaceful protest. Yeah, I mean, the boxers sleep in the naked anyway. Just take your boxers off.

I slept Winnie the Pooh last night. Really? Yeah. Winnie the Pooh weirds me out. It feels weird. It's like you have your shirt's kind of cutting right across your dick almost. It was strange, but it was a little chilly, and I had sweatpants on when I got in bed, but I wasn't wearing any underwear under them. So I took those off, and I was like, well, I'm not cold enough to go full nude.

Sleeping naked to me, weird. I don't know why. It physically feels weird to me. I slept naked this morning and woke up in a red pool. I had my period. I had a penis period last night oh my god the spill didn't happen last night

the penis period, Jesus Christ, John what if there was still alcohol in that wine? do you think you'd get drunk through your dick? like you'd just dip your dick in a fucking glass of wine just like siphon it like osmosis is just pulling through like an anteater yeah, you can get drunk through your asshole

anything that gets in the bloodstream gets you drunk you can get drunk through your asshole. Anything that gets in the bloodstream gets you drunk. You can get drunk through your asshole. I mean, that was a thing for a while. Vodka tampons, right? Vodka tampons, yeah. People shoving vodka tampons up their ass. But isn't that because it's almost like when you... Everything up your butt is bad.

Do you ever have cocaine-ness? How do you do that? I've never done it. You blow through a straw? Have someone put it in? Blow through the straw have someone like blow your shot but there's also you just fucking wet it the same way you put it through your gums you can just put in your asshole yeah see i i feel like that's almost like a thing like i feel like you gotta have like i don't know if your dick hole has the right like skin right because you can get

like when you have a lip in and it goes through your skin yeah that's got it's got fiberglass right but your ass fiberglass up your dick so why does it work in your asshole why does it go right into your bloodstream from your asshole uh i don't i don't know like if i so if you take coke and put it in your gums put in your asshole you're getting high if i just like rub it on my fucking regular skin i'm not right uh yes so like what's up with your mouth and your asshole that that works uh the wetness like it absorbs it or some shit yeah i guess is your ass all wet no it's it's fucking it's fucking you know what let me call my mom i think it's just i don't know what it is but i mean like obviously there's something different

about your skin yeah or if this is in your body right right i don't know what it is i think we talked about it before what if someone can know yeah it's i feel like you dick your mouth and your ass are all the same type of skin. So you can get all the diseases there. Yeah. There's this type of skin. They're all inside your body. Right.

Right. Right. I think we've talked about it before. I saw that tweet once where it said, like, what if all muscles can taste, but the tongue is the only one we put food on? Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. I'll fuck you up. Like, you just cut open your arm and just fucking put a cheeseburger

in there you just taste and taste like different because there's like different buds that'd be cool that'd be awesome i'd be slicing my body up left and right like throw a patty on that ass are you a cutter no i just like to eat hot dogs my inner thigh gross nice stuff hey guys i have a time travel baby hitler hypothetical for you a little bit of a twist to debate everyone knows that charles lindbergh was a nazi lover sure but then you get the whole lindbergh baby situation so conspiracy theory debate it could the l Lindbergh baby situation. So conspiracy theory, debate it. Could the Lindbergh baby have been killed by a time traveler to prevent the next baby Hitler? Your thoughts. Nick, did you fucking choose this voicemail on purpose?

We just talked about how uneducated we are. Who the fuck is Charles Lindbergh? Was it the Lindbergh baby? Charles Lindbergh is the cat who flew around the world. Yeah, he flew across the Atlantic. But what about the baby? Was he the eight Jews? Why is he in this conversation?

I actually just read that after listening to this voicemail before. I didn't know he was like a Nazi sympathizer. So it was a kidnapping. Yeah, his baby got kidnapped. It's like the most famous kidnapping in history. Oh, well, I didn't know. I did know that now. The most famous kidnapping kidnapping history is fucking

that movie shitty shitty bang bang oh the uh there is a movie about this too though the one with walbert when they cut kevin spacey out of that's the most famous kidnapping history yes that was a big one in the world yeah in the world yeah no but this one i think is bigger because i think charles limburg was the movie about this one Wait a minute. Is this – is this that movie? No. That guy was famous too, right? That one was – Yeah, he's an oil bag man.

No, Getty Oil. Getty Oil. Getty Images. What are you? Nuts. Nick that. I've never seen that movie. They're pretty big.

This dude – I think Lindbergh was like that dude after flying. He was like a fucking superhero because he flew across the Atlantic. And then his kid got kidnapped. But I'm just failing to make the connection to Hitler here. The baby's father. So this was 1932. So he's saying that Lindbergh. Okay, I got it. Lindbergh was a Nazi sympathizer.

All of a sudden, I got it. Lindbergh was a Nazi sympathizer. All of a sudden, his son disappears. But I don't think the timeline works out. How old was Hitler? In 32? I don't know. He fought in the early 30s? Yeah, I mean, the baby was like five or six years old in 1932. That math's not going to work out.

I don't get this stupid-ass question. I don't get anything about this question. The idea would be a time traveler went back in time was like, this baby's going to become Hitler. I'm going to fucking kidnap him and kill him. So the Hitler thing. It's a baby Hitler hypothetical mixed with the Charles Lindbergh kidnapping, yeah. That's too much.

It's too much. It would make sense. I just don't think the ages add up. How would it make sense? If you're like a closet Nazi sympathizer and you fake a kidnapping or something like that because you're grooming your kids. Wait, is that fake kidnapping? No, but I'm assuming that this idea would be that if baby Hitler was Charles Lindbergh's baby, maybe he was grooming him to become the Nazi king. So then the time traveler goes back in time and kills that baby.

So I guess the kidnapping, yeah, all right, the kidnapping is about the time travel. I know I'm right here. This doesn't make any sense. None of this tracks. I know I'm right. Well, no't make any sense. None of this tracks. I know I'm right. Well, I know. I mean, his point is that what if Charles Lindbergh's baby was going to grow to be baby Hitler

so somebody went back in time and killed him? So it's the baby Hitler. Right. And yes, mixed with Charles Lindbergh. Charles Lindbergh was the father. Hitler's pretty big on his own. He can carry a show. Why do we have to bring

charles lindbergh into this it sounds like he just found out that charles lindbergh was a nazi hitler can fucking headline he doesn't need a fucking opening act to sell tickets does a hitler sell the place out there must be some sort of like you know something about this kidnapping like all right there's alternative theories here on wikipedia so that like you know there must be some reason why why there was... There is a movie about this too, though. This motherfucker talked about Charles Lindbergh like he was Michael Jordan.

I know, I know. He's like, you know, we all know Lindbergh's baby. What the fuck? You have called the wrong podcast, sir. So we're gonna mix the Lindbergh baby hypothetical with the fucking Hitler hypothetical. Nah, Hitler's good. Hitler's fine hitler's good would you kill a baby hitler probably speaking of eliza schlesinger uh she answered that question

for us uh on ati tonight so you can check her ati uh she did not hesitate at all on her answer i will just say that no spoilers but eliza and baby hitler definitive answer on her front uh last voicemail is brought to you by blue vine so uh running a business is enough of a challenge uh especially right now the markets are all fucked up the the business world the economy is is uncertain and unstable and so uh you know cash flow can be important like i like i just astutely described john earlier like sometimes you need money now and And if the markets are down, you could be in trouble. And that's where a company like Blue Vine comes in, different ways. And so you might be, I need cash right now. I'm in a jam because of this hysteria, because of this pandemic. Whatever the reason may be, you need some extra cash and BlueVine is going to help you secure a line of business credit in as fast as five minutes. You go to getbluevine.com slash KFC. You fill out a few simple details, and when you're done with your application in a matter of minutes, you can secure some money.

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Yo, what's up? KFC and Fyke. I got a question for you guys. I just got a predicament for you guys. I've been dating a girl for about six or seven months now, and she loves coming in to poop with me and I know this is now the poop podcast so I thought this is your fault no no I'm strange and I stand up when I wipe you know get a little leverage get in there make sure you get all the

area well like I said she likes to come in and you know poop with me so she makes fun of me for standing up and pooping what does that mean wrong with me what no man no this is so goddamn you reap what you sow don't you yeah you really fucked us on this one she wants to come like i'm not down for any of this, but I can understand a situation. I don't know. There's one bathroom in a tiny apartment. You've got to get ready to go to work. Someone's got an emergency.

It's just going to happen. Once a year. Right, maybe. The stars might align. But, like, I get up to go to the bathroom. You intentionally follow me in to, like, sit there with me. It's insane. Totally insane.

I mean,'s insane. Totally insane. I mean totally insane. You're going to watch me push. And sit. And smell. And wipe. And like. No. No. I'm done.

I'm done. I don't. I regret. You know what the worst part of the world is? What the fuck is it? No. Like that chick's like a legitimate psychopath. I mean I would absolutely dump a girl.

If like she just. Every time I walked in the bathroom. She was like right there behind me. No. You're pooping. I'm going to wash you. Honestly, I don't even think it would be something where I'm, like, you have to stop. It's done.

The fact that, even if she said, like, okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I thought it was funny. I thought it was cute. I'm going to stop. Nope. The fact that your inclination, your gut told you that was okay means that there's going to be other things along the line that I do not like about you. You're done.

Dude, I'm so much more self-conscious i'd be so much more self-conscious about this than like knowing about like who she slept with and stuff like that where it's like you know in like like i don't like you know people fuck other people but now i'm wondering like well do i shit like that other guy do i do it is he is your past boyfriend a better shit is he better is he like a more normal shitter? Is he what? Yes, I can hear those. It's like it's the worst fucking thing in the world. I was like, why? Everything, because no one's shitting has ever been criticized before. Now, this girl could criticize everything.

My dick has been criticized. I know, like I've seen people get made fun of for that. If I'm in my own head about shitting, I'm on a different planet. I don't even know what to do anymore. Right? You know what's so funny? I mean, this is why. There's no one on this planet who's been criticized for their shitting form. And now she's comparing you to how other people shit. And the whole

game is on. I will say this. The reason people will criticize your wife game, because the stand-up sit-down thing is a thing on the internet, which is I was about to say before, the worst thing in the world is the fact that there's always a new crop of people discovering that that debate for the first time and we all have to keep doing it uh it's the worst and it's like but people get so excited when they find it out because it seems so foreign to them i remember doing it myself i remember pat mcafee actually was the one who made me uh like

see the other side of it where i just i fundamentally did not understand the idea of standing up. And he was like, dude, mix in a squat now and then. He's like, my legs are too big and my arms are not long enough. I physically can't do it. I was like, all right, okay, I get it. I understand that side of things. An NFL punter, his legs are so fucking big he can't even sit down and wait. Okay, got it.

Otherwise, we don't need to discuss this debate. This is why people ask this question, though. We nope we're not doing it we just had like a fucking five minute answer on it you don't want to get your shit game criticized totally understandable can't have it that should be something that's sacred it's like i i get that job done however i get that job done and you don't fucking talk about it you don't know it i wouldn't be able to perform you'd'd have stage fright? Someone else in the room? Absolutely.

Absolutely. I'd be, I'd have a flaccid butthole. It would not get up. Okay. We are absolutely done here. See? You start out going, no, I'm not doing this shit. And then you're the one who ends up saying flaccid butthole and laughing about it.

You think it's funny again. It's mine. sam morel is up he is so fucking funny and there is a line in this interview about his mother uh and and why sam's not allowed to be depressed that is so goddamn funny let's get into it sam morrell on ksu radio all right uh sam morrell is back and he is one of the funniest motherfuckers on the thank you man you really are your new special i got this is out it's on youtube up over a million views and uh i mean it should get 10 million more because it is i hope man shit that's the thing is like i you know like my mom my girlfriend everyone's like it's like, it's over a million. I'm like, yeah, it's going to fizzle out.

I can't enjoy anything. I really can't. I was just telling him. Last night I DM'd you, and I was singing your praises. Well, actually, we'll explain the situation first because then the DM will make sense. So you put it out on YouTube for free after. It was through Comedy Central's channel. Was that like, did they jump on after the fact?

You know, I kind of, I went to LA. I ran it for some industry, like, you know, some buyers. And everyone just was like, we're good. I killed. I was in Dynasty Typewriter. Running it went like perfectly. I was like, that was what I wanted. Then my agent was like, no, we should run it again.'s a really good hour so i was like all right so i went back

to la i ran it again killed just as hard everyone was like no we're good so then i was like well what do i do and she's like i don't know i was like so i said all right i guess i'm just gonna shoot it and she said all right so she she seemed on but she seemed to believe when you're an agent who's making zero money off you and you tell her that it means she believes in it so right that's the truest realist opinion you'll ever get it's like you're not even making money on you're not just blowing smoke on my ass yeah but so i i said to you last night you know all these fucking people passed obviously it's killing and now next time around you get to you know you get to gouge the price up and he just said to me yeah i don't think that's gonna happen i really believe that i don't i think you know

i think that for whatever reason certain people are just chosen in this business and they'll get like a hundred chances and then there's people like me and mark norman and joe list who's some of my good friends and we just have to prove to the industry that we're funny like 500 times before we get one shot for some reason. What do you think that is? That special is undeniably funny. Like is it

Don't give it to me. I get how you, because I think the same way but I mean that's fucking hilarious. I think certain people are chosen and other people just, I think I felt this way when I was a young comic. I used to go up at the comic strip on the Upper East Side, and for whatever reason, Joe Mackey and I, that's where we started,

they just wouldn't pass us. We would kill, I feel like, harder than anybody, and they'd be like, we're not going to pass you. We'd be like, all right. I think there's certain people that they know will keep showing up, and we were those dudes. But then there's other people that I think some of these networks look at, Well, that's a star.

And guys like me and Norman and Joe Mackey and all those guys, we're like club comics. We're like doing the work. You're tall. I'm tall. You are. You sound like my mom. Why aren't you more successful? You're tall.

Dude, height is power. And that's like, I mean, you have it. You say it in the special. You're trying to put that out there. I'm 6'2". My mom said that when I was a kid, I told my mom I was depressed. She said, but you're so tall. Yeah, it's not a fucking carnival ride.

That is unbelievable. I'm shocked my mother didn't tell me that. Maybe that's when people hang themselves. Do you have to go high up? I don't know i i don't know what it is but that is so fucking she really said that was like one of the funny she feels horrible because she's a smart person she understands that there's depth to to you know feelings it's not about height but but like she really said that i i don't know I mean it's an interesting and like you know unfortunate thing that you know is it

are you just like an asshole when you talk to these people man you're doing something wrong because again I mean I keep repeating myself every time Sam has a meeting he jerks off yeah you're doing something I mean that shit is if you like stand up comedy and you get humor it is truly undeniable.

But I think a lot of the Netflix specials, a lot of them are great comics and a lot of them are also just actors. They're like, well, this person's famous. So many of them. So I think they reserve, when you pay Eddie Murphy $80 million for one special, that kind of cuts your $500,000 spots down. So, oh, whatever. Like I said, they're gonna pay me that much anyway but uh you know so i think i think a lot of it is they pick a lot of great comics in netflix but a lot of them are reserved for spots like that and and you know same with

hbo i think they hbo kind of was the closest to buying this hour but they're they're like a prestige network and they're like you know yeah but what you're like they want like something more interesting and look they did a great job and they picked rami who won a golden globe they picked uh gary goldman's he's amazing yeah dan soda's a great guy i mean they picked good people so right you know but like it should just also be you i mean i'm not saying that those guys don't deserve it you should take their spot but like when you see for everyone you name there's also two or three that's like, I know. This also feels better though.

Does it do anything? Maybe you're broke, but you're still eating off a folding chair. It's a great fuck you. Well, it's cool how many comics shared it. That was meaningful that like, holy shit, all these comics I really respected would just post about

multiple times. Friends of mine, they wanted to succeed and i think i think comics should want it to succeed because it it means well for them it means that they can circumvent the industry and you don't have to wait for someone to tap you i mean i see other comic friends of mine now doing this as well and uh you can just make a special i mean it's not people are saying well i told like a couple of friends of mine who have done Netflix specials, you know, they said, well, how much are you spending on it?

And I told them and they were like, that's not enough for it to look good. And I just said, you know, people will watch a special if the jokes are good. They don't need a theater with a fucking crane shot. What is with the crane shot? Like you're watching stand up, you're like, yeah, but there's no swooping.

Give me the swoop. Give me the swoop. The NFL kickoff, we're like, what's cooler this way? It's cool either way. Some of those shots, even in the NBA, where you're like, yeah, we don't need a camera. Just give me the fucking side. Yeah, I know what you mean. No one's watching for a camera on the shot clock.

You know what I mean? I actually have a, not with the NBA or the NFL,fl but with the nhl sometimes they'll go with a camera view behind the net especially like particularly on the power play yeah i i don't think goals are allowed to happen while it's there like it's when if you're on the power play and it goes to that camera shot you're not scoring go get a glass of water like you got time because nothing's yes yeah i know what you're talking about i mean especially comedy it's like i mean you can you can listen to this not see anything and it's you know what i thought you know like i read the beastie boys book and it was kind of inspiring to me because it's a big book yeah it's great it's a great job i've never been giving credit for

reading the beastie boys book it's big right it's a big fucking book isn't it but yeah but they uh he's like it's big but i know how to. It's like a little bit longer than an average book, but I'm good. I get it. But they kind of said how no one wanted to make, when they made Paul's Boutique, which is their best album, no one wanted to make it. They'd come off their hit, which they kind of didn't like. And I look back at some of my work that I don't like. I mean, you kind of just, I think it's natural to look back at any of your stuff and be like,

eh, I was a different person. I was a different comic. Well, especially when you hate yourself, which I can tell you. I do feel weird when people refuse to apologize for old things. Not even apologize. Exactly.

I don't stand by everything I ever said. Exactly. And the problem is also that I think when you give that type of person an apology, it opens a door for you to apologize for other things. But yeah, I feel bad about certain things. I'm not bad. Yeah, that was stupid.

We had with the, do you know, I don't know how on Twitter you are, but there was the Zola story. Do you know who she is? It was like a Zola stripper who like, it was all made up stories. It was a really incredibly long Twitter thread about like going to Florida and like, I don't know, it was crazy. She met up with like her friends. They like, fuck these guys, steal their drugs. It was a wild tale and like I remember I had I had written a headline this was

probably five six years ago where it was like Zola and her fucking whore friend going down to Florida and it went re-viral because of the story like he got picked up at Sundance or something like that and people were like what was his headline I was like yeah that's aggressive like I don't know she was a whore i'm actually correct i thought you're gonna say that she wouldn't apologize for that but you really want the extra mile yeah dude i've done we've all done stuff like that i look back at like i bought people brought up old jokes of mine i was like yeah i was a kid you know i think that like five years from now you're gonna look back at this special and be like oh yikes this that the other

thing or do you think you've reached a point where like you know exactly what you're doing now yeah i think i think you always look back at some stuff that you're not crazy about it's just i mean i heard woody allen looks back at manhattan as not and by the way there's other stuff you should look back at maybe you know maybe manhattan isn't the problem but uh but uh no i think everyone looks back at his wedding like oh boy the problem is is that he doesn't look back at his wedding like that but yeah no i think you look back at everything yeah i. No, I think he looked back at everything. And also, I heard Jim Jefferies once say, he said, you know, the job of a comic is to go right up to the line of good taste

and push it, and every few years that line comes in, so you're naturally going to look back at things. And I thought that was pretty well put. Going back to the Netflix i bought we've also heard other sides of the story where like theo von was like my i got a netflix special that gave me like 50 grand for it and like it really did nothing for me like yeah i think i think there's obviously you want money for sure yeah but i think there might be more value perhaps in this because now it has a story to go with it and now it becomes a thing

versus just like a one-time chunk of cash i'm shocked people are talking about it at all so yeah i mean again you hate yourself i mean and we can definitely relate but you're very very but it's very very funny so i'm not surprised what is every comic has that mixed thing i think that most of us have or you're like fuck why did no one buy this and also yeah and also you're like i no one's gonna give a shit so yeah you have that ego that ego but also that you know you're you're also you're also hurt a little bit yeah for sure i have feelings i'm a human yeah so i mean yeah you know we do the work on the road like all there's a lot of great new york comics that people don't know about because we're all on the road we're all in the clubs every

night you know in la they've gotten a little bit more known because of podcasting out there and how big it is, but in New York, there's so many great club comics, and people should know who they are. You know, Mark Norman, Joe List, Joe Mack. I think Mark's on this episode. Mark just came in. Oh, really?

Oh, my God, all right. Fuck Mark, dude. He's doing fine. There's so many good comics out there you know who are killing it you know Roy Wood Jr. people know I think they're starting

to know now but there's so many great comics out there so you know I think making your own thing like you know Comedy Central

has been so good to me over the years but their model was not working before I mean I felt silly going on shows being like

watch my special at 11pm on Friday who is it? No one plans their shit that way. Even saying, if someone's like, I set my DVR, I'm like, what are you, 60? Who is the fucking DVR?

But then Comedy Central has, to their credit, changed what they're doing, and they're building up their YouTube, which maybe they make a production company or something as well. I mean,. The way they push it also really helped get this over a million. I'm grateful

to them too. It got over fast, right? It hasn't even been a month. I think we're going to hit, I would hope a few million as long as it doesn't slow down. How addicting is that shit though? When you start to pop some crap. My mom and my agent are sending me the

updates because i can't look because it stresses me out a little bit i look every once in a while but i don't want to once you're i feel like you're good like like even if it stops right now forever like you're over a million that's a nice number i feel you can check now and not worry that that's good and also it's funny i hear netflix hides the numbers from people so they don't know how well they do so at least now I know how well I would do. It is nice to have an exact number. If you were with Netflix, they would have put out a tweet like, Sam Rose, I got this, had 73 million views.

They just make shit up. They just neg their biggest stars. They're like, Ali Wong, I guessed it okay. I don't know. They had one, I forget what movie it was, where it was an obscene number. It wasn't The Irishman. It might have been Six Underground. It wasnman was a bad movie but a great movie yeah but it's ryan reynolds right it's an awesome movie it's just a bad movie the irishman is so

fucking long dude i mean i enjoyed it just good scorsese but it's also like could we get a fucking cgi young body or did you watch a movie you know that fucking movie gave my girlfriend a UTI. I'm not even kidding. That's how long it was because we saw it in the theater so she held in. I was like, what are you doing? She got a fucking UTI. That's cost me like weeks of sex. It was, fuck you De Niro.

It was one of those movies that ended and you were just like that was the thing I watched. I'm never going gonna watch it again and now I can't fuck my girlfriend it didn't hit you like The Departed or Goodfellas or Casino

none of the it didn't cause even the last shot of Casino you're like oh my god you know it wasn't

the last shot of The Departed you liked that too but not for the good way yeah in a bad way the rat the rat was dumb it was so dumb

it was like it was like in the Joker when he's like in Joker when he ends with, it's like, this is what happens when you get your mixed mental instability. We're like, society doesn't care. It's like, hit you over the head with the thing.

Yeah, no, we got it, dude. You weren't being subtle the entire movie. Let's not trash the Joker. All right, I had. I liked it, but I just thought that line was like, yeah, no, I knew what you were talking about. It was funny. Yeah, dude, the Irishman and like what else?

I watch all the murder shows on Netflix. Did you see The Pharmacist? No, I don't like them. Oh, really? I know you talked about them in the special. I love them. I don't care for them. They make you feel bad.

I'm one of the few people on this planet who haven't got on to true crime. Oh, it's the best. I think every... I can't get enough. You can't get enough? I love it. I think we all wish... We all think... Men... I think every man thinks they't you can't get enough i love it i think we all wish we all think men i think every man thinks they're like a pi on some level you know and we're not

we're all mostly pussies you know i mean like i talk about this like in the special like i talk about this guy breaking a pint glass over my head in vermont which really happened it happened like last year i was in a fucking bar wild and a guy just he i didn't do anything i think people just hear i have a deep voice and they're like this will count as like beating the shit out of someone i can't fight so he just came over and just and you know and i like i was addicted to talking to the victim's advocate in vermont and being like how do we like solve this she's like no we solved it we got it he's he's he's in custody you know he was a therapist the guy who hit me with a pint glass. He was a therapist? Isn't that crazy?

He was a therapist, and he just was having a bad divorce, and he went for a cop's gun after me. I didn't tell that in the special. He smashed a pint glass over my head. He didn't count on his white privilege. That doesn't work if you're white. He wanted to get shot because he was going through a divorce. He was hoping that the cop would just shoot him after that.

No shit. Fucking Vermont, man. You get either hippies or you get that fucking cabin in the woods, like Bernie bro shit where they just go at you. Crazy people. But he's a therapist. He lost. They said he can't treat anyone for five years.

I was like, how about just taking his- Never. It's a felony that's absurd that's a could you imagine if that if that was you know i actually i've changed my stance already i'd like to go to him because like there's there's nothing you can say where he's like he's not like i get it right he's not like he's going to be with you i forgive you like yeah doc what's like, Doc, what should I do? I don't know. I smashed a guy in the head with a pint glass. It felt pretty good. Maybe he's out of the world. I don't know. Could you imagine if you were like, you know, he shows up on Monday at your usual appointment.

He's like, listen, I can't see you anymore for five years. I got to go to jail. I'm a felon. Okay, man. Crazy. Vermont, man. It's really. My first therapist, probably when i was like 17 or so

was one time talking about how he was thinking about moving he's an older guy and he was thinking about moving to vermont with his wife and he went to visit i forget what town it was and he went to visit it in order to kind of get a feel and meet the people and see what because he was still good he wasn't gonna retire he's just gonna move there and he was like i met everyone i'm standing on an island oh my god what a horrible endorsement like everyone was too fucked up i had a therapist when i was like 18 i had some weird at the time i was dating a girl i was so i was going to school in new orleans and it was right after katrina so it was like the the where he treated me the hospital looked like at a shutter island it was abandoned it was scary and he uh so i was dating

a girl uh long distance who was both her parents were psychiatrists so every time i'd have dinner with them they'd just be like analyzing me and like it was brutal it felt like i was getting roasted you know and i remember i hadn't met my biological father yet so every argument with her would just be like who are you really yelling at and i'd be like oh come on that's such a fucking that's such a hack maneuver and also you i'm fucking yelling at you this has nothing to do with you being an asshole but then my mom encouraged me to see a therapist in uh in new orleans so i'm in this abandoned hospital it's like me and him in this giant hospital and he was such an asshole but he was funny i mean he was like a funny asshole i remember i told him about the biological dad stuff and he goes,

you and mommy against the world. Jesus, dude, where did you get your fucking license? You and mommy. Are you sure he was a therapist? Yeah, just meet me in this abandoned warehouse.

That was a dude who just grabbed a fucking diploma off a wall. Everyone else was looting TVs. He's like, I'm going to get a medical license. That's right. Holy shit. But he is, he looting tvs he's like i'm gonna get a medical license that's right holy shit but he is he was actually like he was like he would email me all the time and like he would like find like little snippets of like my stand-up and like be like i'm loving he like loved comedy so he was that but i mean he loved it a little too much i think he really have you heard a couple people have been in here and said that there's a therapist in new york i went to him for a while he does like the comic how many times can you go though and fucking see you know mike vecchione in the waiting

room where you're like all right dude i don't like i don't like comic friends eavesdropping i brought a girl i dated there once i brought my mom i don't want to walk out with my mom and see fucking janice papa's in the fucking green room like i love these guys but there are times you don't want to see him you know so uh the therapy waiting room is one of the worst places in the world. It's almost like being in a hospital waiting room where you're like, what do you have? Only it's mental instability rather than off. I remember my friend Phil Hanley was in the waiting room. He was in therapy before me.

I'm in the waiting room. And I heard Alan laugh really hard at something he said. And was the fucked up comic part of me is like fuck now i gotta like bring it i gotta like i gotta follow this shit like it's like there were so many comics yo this guy he's just getting free comedy shows he's not a fucking he's not a therapist he's for the jokes he's the real life dr cat remember that show it was a great show introduced me to every comic and then you're like holy shit and then you start seeing like younger comics there and you're like who recommended him it's like the seller you're like how did he get past it alan you know uh you mentioned the

joker how did that come about dude my agent at the time dc wade is a great guy he uh he just was submitting comics to todd phillips Then he said, Todd loves you. So I was like, you know that thing you had? You're like, all right, dude. Todd Phillips likes me. Like, whatever. I thought he was fucking with me. And then one day, Todd Phillips just called me on the phone.

And I was like, is this like a prank? And then he said, he's like, oh, man, I really like your comedy. Because you're not like one of those pussies. I think he just meant I wasn't like a UCBb kind of like uh like and that's when i was molested and i'm in like a turtleneck and like a ted talk thing you know although you know i think he just didn't like uh i don't know so he he was really encouraging and uh and he's like i want you in the movie and i was just like what so i didn't even tell anyone i was in the movie because i was like well surely they're gonna cut my seat why would they keep a stand-up just telling jokes you know so then i'm in the we shot at danger fields on uh 60th street and he was just like yeah do jokes

just do and there's a real crowd so i was like all right how many jokes i did it would do it was like you barely see me in the movie you hear the the whole joke. But he also says Chris Redd goes on after me, and he goes, one more time for Sam Morrell. And he kept that in the movie for some reason. There's no reason. It's just Todd being cool. It's the only reason to keep it in there. So then they follow Joaquin Phoenix walking into the room. So I was like, all right.

And then I had to just keep telling jokes, but I didn't want to tell the same joke because I didn't want them to fake laugh. I'm more of a comic than an actor. Did you have one in mind? You were like, this is my best joke? I did like 20 jokes. We kept taking it. It was like a long, maybe more.

I did so many jokes. I wrote out, he said, just make sure it would work in the 80s because the movie takes place in the 80s. So you cut iPhone jokes and stuff like that. But yeah, it was like Joaquin following me on stage. And Chris Redd is the host from SNL. So Chris was fucking, he's a great dude.

And he's so fun to spend the whole day with. But he's just getting so mad at me. Because he's like, you get to show off and do bits. My only line is, one more time for Sam Morrell. So people are coming on stage. Todd Phillips is like, you're killing it, man. You're fucking killing it. And there's one point where Joaquin Phoenix comes out, and he's like, man, I really love your jokes.

And Todd is like, he writes all day. The way you act, he writes. And I just see Chris Redd like, you fucking dick. You fucking jerk. So it's such a nice moment. Joaquin Phoenix was so friendly, and I've heard stories. So I didn't say shit to him. I was like,

oh, I bet he's like one of those method actors. And he's like, no, he's just hanging out. Really? Yeah, he didn't mail you like dildos or whatever. That's what Jared Leto did.

Jared Leto did. And he's doing it to like, I heard that Jared Leto was doing it to like Viola Davis. She's like, no, I'm like a real actor. I don't play this shit, man. Here's a pig's head.

Yeah, I don't like... I'll just pretend for a little bit. I don't like the actors where it's like, no, just fucking act. It's your job. I actually think less of you if you need to go for months to get into characters. Shouldn't you be able to just cry? Be funny.

Be dramatic. That's your acting. I forgot what movie it was. There's a movie where Marlon Brando plays a war veteran who's paralyzed, and he's just in a hospital. They said he actually stayed in the hospital for like 30 days to prepare for the role so he could be really cranky. And it's like, how about giving that bed to someone who needs it in the fucking hospital?

They're like, sorry, we don't have any rooms available. Marlon Brando, he's prepping. I talk about it all the time. Daniel Day-Lewis did that where he just went and became a carpenter for like seven years. How about his family? He's gotis did that where he just went and became a carpenter for like seven years. How about his family? He's got kids. He told his kids that he's a carpenter.

It's like, no, dude, your kids are rich. Buy them nice things and fucking don't be like, yeah, we make minimum wage. Stop making a birdhouse in the garage. Dad's got to go build a fucking garage. You listen to your father, Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, he really, I mean, yeah, I love Daniel Day-Lewis, but there's also that part, there's also that part of you where you're like, yeah, you're good enough to just do this.

Right, on command. Anthony Hopkins said, he was like, I hate method actors. I act and I go home and I live my life. And also you can probably, like, I get if you're doing like an accent and you want to stay in that accent for like this shoot, you know, because maybe it's confusing or something. But like if you're, you can be a, you can be that human. You can be a stay in that accent for this shoot because maybe it's confusing or something. You can be a human in that accent.

You never hear Tom Hanks didn't go into method acting to be fucking Mr. Rogers. It's only for assholes. That's hilarious. It's only fucking assholes. I mailed Vail Davis a dildo.

It's also never a shitty movie. It's never like Rob Schneider had to become a European gigolo. It's only like Phantom Thread or Lincoln. It's never – This is very true. I feel like it was a big year with comics. You had Sebastian and Jim Norton in The Irishman. Oh, my God, yeah.

How cool is that? I mean, Sebastian had a real role. Jim was kind of doing what you did. He was Rickles. Yeah, playing Don Rickles. Yeah, Sebastian. Sebastian had like a mob boss. That was badass.

Yeah, so cool. Yeah, yeah. I mean, to be in a Scorsese movie, man, how crazy is that? I mean, that's... They're all Italians, but whatever. That's true. Sebastian, yeah, fuck. How crazy is that? I mean, that's... They're all Italians, but whatever. That's true. Sebastian, yes, fuck. We need like a hip Jewish director.

You know? Get me... All we got is Woody Allen and like... Nah, I don't want that one, man. You can't, yeah. What do you do? If Woody Allen came to you right now

and said like, will you be in my movie, are you doing it? I would just get backlash. I don't fucking know. It's tough. Woody Allen as like a New York Jew was like everything to me.

I love Woody Allen. And I love all of his movies. I love Purple Rose at Cairo. I love Annie Hall. I love everything. But I just said the most obvious one. I loved all of his catalog. I loved all of Coppola's films.

The Godfather. No, he... But I loved all of his stuff. So yeah, it's tough. It's tough when... It's tough when you fuck your daughter. It doesn't really work. Apparently he's got a book coming out.

Here's my side. You know what's tough? He's such a good writer that you can't even read it. You can't even hear it. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I don't know. Who's like the hip? We need like a hip Jew director to put me in something. I don't know.

There's no Jews in Hollywood. I don't know what we're going to do. Well, Spielberg, yeah, we need like another Munich type movie. Because I'll tell you, I watch Hunters, man. It's the worst piece of dog shit I've ever seen on Amazon. See, I agree and disagree. I thought it was entertaining. Really?

I liked the first four episodes. And I thought it died off fast. The twist at the end the there's two twists that are both fucking no i like the second one yeah the first one was i couldn't make it 20 minutes with that like does every character they're like i get that like jews have to die to build up their revenge plot but like every character was like it was like does it have to be like fiddlers on the roof level like fucking jewish stereotypes jews take a lot of losses in that one. They fucking kill a woman not in the Holocaust in a shower. And I was like, come on, dude.

This is fucking. Well, hang on. You can get far enough. No. She's a Nazi. That was payback. She was a Nazi. She's a Nazi.

Okay. So they're going around killing people the way the Nazis killed Jews. Damn. You're hurting my argument here. Look. It got crushed by like critics. I didn't have as hairy a vagina as I thought she would Oh but also

I was looking very closely This is Barstool Review Part 2 I was like that older woman I bet she's gonna have a hairy part This fucking whore She was a No dude Dude I hated the writing I hate that they had

Like just in the beginning Of course his grandma or whoever dies, she's like, there are two ways to go about it. You can be, like, a bad kid or a good kid. I'm like, fuck this shit. I'm out of here. I'm done with this superhero origin bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very superhero-esque where, like, again, I don't know how far you got, where he's, like, solving things, and it's like, he didn't even do any work in his head it just they just lit up yeah so pacino is an old jew is great it's just like when you become an old italian you just become like weak enough to play a jew which is great it's you kind of do have to respect that i did get a kick in the irishman out of all uh like pacino trying to be an irish guy and deniro like trashing italians calling them lops and shit i'm like this just doesn't work, guys. You can't be that

Italian your whole life and then flip the switch. Also, Scorsese did not get the memo on updating. You can't say cocksucker every word. This cocksucker, like Jesus. I know they're bad people and I know it's the 50s, but you're like, fuck. Although it is weird when they update it.

This is how we have to talk now. When does this take place again? Say the-word i know you do yeah they really no shortage of jewish stereotypes in scorsese movies either where he's like this fucking like who's who's gonna be the jew and they're like fuck any any jew same with the sopranos i was talking to gary gulman about this like you get any there's no good jews in the sopranos they're like we got a jew oh who is he oh he ripped off R&B groups in the 50s. That's your only Jewish character?

There was one good Jewish character in the entire Sopranos and it was the therapist who told her he wouldn't take her money. You know, because it's blood money. You're talking to people

who've never seen The Sopranos. You've never seen The Sopranos? And you've seen the fucking Hunters on Amazon? The Sopranos is the best show of all time I've seen some I just don't like

Italians then you won't like it no it's the best show of all time it's what I've what I've seen I've liked but yeah like

I think there's like a weird thing with just the way the world works now where it's like something new is better I guess it's probably always been that way

but like new is better I don't want to go back and watch an old show like The Hunters is out like you said the uh I don't know what it is When something gets too old for me

No one else is watching it with me It's daunting I've got to watch seven seasons of it And I really don't like Italian So I'm in problem here If it was The Departed, I'd be in I started Cheers on Netflix That's a great show But then I looked at the episode list And I was like, Departed I'd be in I started Cheers on Netflix that's a great show

but then I looked at the episode list and I was like oh 11 seasons 20 episodes per season so good though and then I shit out I got like two seasons in

Gaffigan used to have a great joke about when you see an old movie and no one will talk about it with you he goes I want to talk about heat now

it is you don't have that shared communal experience that's why I hate streaming. I don't hate streaming, but I hate to binge things. I watch it all in a night, and then I'm like, well, now it's over. I like the fucking week-to-week where you talk about it, argue about it, and shit like that.

But I feel like that's dead anyway because it's not like it's on Sunday and everyone talks about it on Monday anymore. It's just you watch it at your own pace now. Thrones was the last one. I never watched that. Don't bother. Every person was like, fuck this show! And then next time it was, you don't watch it?

I was like, yeah, you're not a great sales rep. Every week. This fucking show sucks! Every fucking week on Twitter. This show's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. The first seven were great. It was terrible. The ending was so fucking bad. As bad as it gets.

Worse than The Hunters. I've been re-watching Mad Men. Mad Men is fucking great. What comedy do you like? What do you think is the funniest show ever? I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We just had Rob McElhenney in here. He was all you could ever want. I was on Conan with him last week and I didn't get to meet him. I was bummed. He was walking

out right as I was going on stage and I almost fucked up my intro. He'd be like, Rob! Mac! I love Mac. He's fucking, he's on Mac. Curb, obviously. This episode this week where- I'm like two behind.

All right. Well, this guy kills himself because, and Larry thinks it's because of the Jets. Oh, wow. Oh, I got all, I mean, I love that show. He goes, and you can relate to this. He's like, so this guy, he's like, did you hear the news? Carl killed himself. He's like, it's because of the Jets and a little bit of the Knicks.

Oh, the Knicks. He's like, I know you feel that. Did you see the hoax last night that they said that Spike Lee? Yeah. It wasn't real, thank God. No, no, I think he just went in the wrong entrance or something. What was it? The rumor was that they weren't letting Spike Lee into the garden. There was a hubbub down the tunnel, and there was someone being denied entry.

And the rumor was that it was Spike Lee. I was trying to explain it to my girlfriend, and she just did not give a shit. I was like, this is like if Jack Nicholson got thrown out of the Staples Center. She's like, yeah, I don't understand. No analogies were working, but Nick's beat the fucking Rockets last night. That's all that matters. That was surprising yeah dude are you and you're still just ride or die with them yeah watching every night i don't

watch every night just because it shows but but yeah i watch at least i keep up and i'll watch the highlights and i you know yeah i i'm rooting hard for rj barrett and you know all those young guys yeah and mitchell robinson it's just not gonna work though the nicks there's so much pain some i think freezing cold takes retweeted the other day a tweet from 2016 for the Bleacher Report, and it was exactly what happened with the Zion and all the Photoshops. It was a Photoshop of Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony,

Kevin Durant, and KP. All in the Knicks uniforms. It was like, this could be coming to New York. None of them fucking none every year I was really I'm that delusional

that I was like LeBron's coming like when he did the decision I was like hurt that he went to Miami and like I had no right to be hurt

we just expect people to come to New York we sold shirts here that had like the Obama color scheme and said hope on the bottom like yeah he's coming to New York

like he's the what a different time never even considered considering. He never once said, I'm going to come play for Jim fucking Dolan. Now it's just Trump's picture and it says, nope.

That's orange and blue. Yeah, man. No, I really, I think at least they're building the right way and they have young guys. So at least they have draft picks and they're young.

So at least- A lot of draft picks. A lot of draft picks. I believe man although I hated that they got rid of Marcus Morris he was my favorite

on the team he'll come back you gotta let him go to a team that really they're gonna win the championship in the Clippers I did an Instagram story

like once he wins a championship he'll come back to the Knicks and he wrote back he wrote no doubt so I was like so I'm fucking tampering to get him back I'm getting Marcus Morris back so what's next man you uh you know shoot a new special now yeah I'm gonna well I'm gonna I mean

I gotta write it but I'm not you feel like that was your best ever yeah yeah I think it's my best I think that like tough for you to be like all right I gotta like do this again now like the bar is very of course yeah it's it It's painful. I was in West Palm Beach over the weekend doing shows and it was tough, you know, because I'm not allowing myself to do old stuff. So the first show I did a couple jokes in the special at the end I did just to wrap

it up. But the late show I was like, don't fucking let yourself cheat. Just do all new stuff. Yeah, it's tough because it's just not as good yet. Especially when the crowd's not on fire. They were but like you know i'm i'm gonna be on the road every week basically just to be like let's fucking let's get a new hour so i want one by the end of the year but i'm also that's my goal but if i don't reach it i won't do anything we'll see you know i want a new hour that's that's better well The bar is high. Yeah, the bar is super high.

If you can do that, I think you're the funniest guy on the planet. Thank you, man. Because I Got This is a title based on the idea of just like you can do it yourself. Well, also there's that abortion joke where it says, I got this. For sure, what you said, that sounds better. No, no, it is a double meaning for sure where it's like, you know, you're at a bar, you say, I got this. So it's like, yeah, it's free. meaning for sure. It's like you're at a bar, you say, I got this. So it's like, yeah, it's free.

It was a free special and also the abortion joke. And also whenever you tell your reps or your friends, I'm self-producing it, they go, you got this. They don't mean it, but they're being nice. So I said, all right, I got this. But you did, dude. I mean, you knocked it out of the park. It's very funny. The views are telling the truth.

The proof is in the pudding. So everybody go watch it, and you on it out of the park. It's very funny. The views are telling the truth. The proof is in the pudding. So everybody go watch it, and you on the road? Yeah, man. Royal Oak, Michigan, Thursday through Saturday. Great club, Comedy Castle. I'm at Gotham 19th through the 21st in New York City, and then I'm at the Charlotte Comedy Zone the 26th through the 28th. I'm on the road every week, so it's samorell.com slash gigs.

Check it out, man. Appreciate it. Thanks, dude. Thanks, gigs check it out man yeah appreciate it thanks dude thanks thanks guys all right uh we're back uh sam is go watch that special go watch any of his other stand-ups his instagram follow or you know comedians these days are all putting out all their clips constantly he has some of the best fucking jokes like when he clips them out just for instagram every single time they are a fucking home run and the one thing we didn't cover uh i forgot to ask him about he did a few months ago he was on local news in like milwaukee or pittsburgh or something like that

and they asked him like uh where like where do you get your inspiration from as a comic and he's like well my uncle molested me and the the like the local news anchors just didn't know what the fuck to do so goddamn funny so i mean didn't they actually say that yeah they were like i don't know what's actually very funny so let's keep it moving uh you son of a bitch i'm just doing this because like my producer told me to i don't fucking actually care about you and you just torpedoed this segment talking about molestation but fuck off uh very funny stuff from him uh so now let's get into mark norman who is uh cut from the same cloth as sam an og new york comedian who is uh sam was uh instagramming the other day about like i think

it's like a dream to do a tour with mark or something yeah they are two peas in a pod who are basically saying fuck the industry we don't need uh you know the networks and the streaming services and all that we we're just going to get by on being like the funniest fucking guys in the city so let's take a listen mark norman on kc radio guys are killing us i mean we're funnier but uh killing us pod wise i i always talk about it man the way they do it is like you know they help each other out they all are like a fraternity and they just bump each other all the way through the roof promoting dahlia helps theo who helps job who helps rogan and then king rogan at the top yeah exactly and everybody bringing everyone along for

the ride it's a great it's a great model it is we've talked about it with a couple comedians here and they i think the general vibe for most stand-up guys is that there's just still too much competition here that like you're you'll help people out but you're still kind of out for yourself yeah and i think it's only once everybody's achieved enough fame money whatever yeah they're like all right you know everybody can come along too that's right now it's still like no no i need my time or i need my shine hey look at kobe i mean fuck you get out of my way and then now that he or once he like made it to legend status he's like like, LeBron's amazing. You've got to wait until you're on top, I guess.

I thought that was going somewhere else for a second. Be careful now, Mark. I'm glad he don't. Mark Norman's on the show. Wait, have we started? Yeah, that was it. We're rolling. We're going.

Oh, jeez. Wait until I say the N- and you fire it up Yeah, so that's going to be in there Oh yeah, alright Yeah, I was just watching a clip of Seinfeld giving you so much love Unbelievable We had Tom Papa in here a couple weeks ago

and he got such a big cosign from him earlier career oh yeah and i feel like that's got to be you know he i mean i hope i hope i don't get uh tom papa i love i'd love to have his career i hope i don't get his hairline but uh yeah no the seinfeld thing i was in a club in buffalo bombing eight people papered room was like fourth of July weekend. Nobody showed up. I get off stage. My phone's going like a pinball machine. I'm like, what the hell is this? And they're like, Seinfeld's talking about you at the Mets.

I'm like, Mets? Why? And I look at them like, oh, my God. I'm touched. I'm hard. The whole thing. And I text my parents. They don't care.

And then I remember I went to bed that night. I tied one on. I was so excited. And I was like, tomorrow I'm going to sell out. I mean, Seinfeld said I'm the next guy. And then it was like eight people again. And I was like, this is what showbiz is. This is comedy.

Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I feel like sometimes you think that you get the cosign from somebody or even like someone shouts you out on Twitter or something that seems so significant in the moment. And then it's like, is that going to make people buy this or go there? It's crazy. Not necessarily. You slip on a banana peel or whatever, and you go viral. But then you have this legend of comedy vouch for you, and people are like, ah, that's cute.

And you're like, cute? Come on. Give me something. Seinfeld in particular, too. Seinfeld's not just a legend. Seinfeld's also Legendarily difficult to impress Yeah Right

So it's like Not just Like Chappelle and Chris Rock I feel like they do more Like bring boys along Sure Seinfeld is It's noted

It's a part of his lore Yes It's very hard to make him laugh He's this cranky Jew In a tower On the Upper West Side You know Nobody can touch him

He's got 8 million cars You know Nobody knows what's going on Over there And yeah I'm honored to break in But I also have a fear because my act is pretty dark. Like I can do the Tonight Show, five minutes here, five minutes there, Colbert. But I'm school shooting. I'm pedophilia.

I'm anal. I'm gay. I'm this. I'm all over the place. That's where I like to live too. All those. That's my personality right there right but I got a special coming out later like in April and I'm like if he sees it he's gonna

he's gonna probably like do some litigious shit like scrub that from the internet take out my thing with him I don't want to be associated so I don't know yeah that I mean he is you know so notoriously clean and yeah I almost feel like he kind of we've had several clean comics on here before who are kind of like yeah it had several clean comics on here before who are kind of like, yeah, it's just not my style, but whatever. Whereas I feel like he almost looks down on it in a way where he thinks of it as a crutch. Maybe. I mean, he loves

Patrice, Bernie Mac, he likes Bill Burr, he likes Sam Kennison, so I think he appreciates it. I think he's just like, for me, not my style. Not my thing. I remember he was on what was it? One of the Showtime shows. Him, Louis, Chris Rock, and Ricky Gervais. Talking Funny, there it is.

And I think he was explaining how it was a Superman joke or something like that. Yes. Where he had fuck in him. Yeah. And was like, I felt like it was cheating. Yeah. So he stopped. But I guess that's all personal shit, right?

But if you get a laugh on fuck, that means like, how great am I? You know, there's a lot of comics out there doing, like, the what the fuck as a punchline. You're like, that's not clever. Right. Give me a twist. Give me something I never thought of, you know? But he's trying to, sorry, a little hungover, a little gay. But he's trying to, you know, be a good comic.

So I get it. But I still think, you know, Louis C.K. is amazing and it's pretty filthy. It's all about this and that. So I think it can be done cleverly, Dave Attell. But if you're relying on the fuck, then you're out. What did you think? I rely on the fuck. Yeah.

On this podcast, very much rely on the fuck. Well, at least you're aware. Yeah. Yeah, and I'll just be like, fuck! Was that good? That's it. That was the bit. There you go.

Did you watch, did you see Steve Martin and Chris Rock at the Oscars? I didn't, I didn't. The Oscars, all that shit is so washed up. It's like so, what do you call it? It's not whitewashed. It's just scrubbed of anything interesting. Like Gervais, I'm like, now we're talking. This is comedy.

And they all go, we hated that. That's too much. Let's just have this boring, toned down, safe bullshit. Ah, just, is that what you want, you queefs? That's what you're going to get. Okay, don't say anything interesting or controversial anyway. Like is that the road we want to go down? Are you that scared?

Are you that nervous about a joke, a zinger, a yuck-em-up that you've got to be so squeaky and tiptoe-y? I mean, I'm sure it was, hey, there's not enough black people here. I can already recite the whole monologue. I haven't even seen it. It was actually women. It was vaginas. They said there's not enough vaginas out here. Not enough vaginas.

There was black people. It was like 1919. But the one that really stuck out, and this is Steve Martin who did this. First of all, is there any price that you would take to do it? Obviously. Oh, yeah. I would do it. Yeah, totally.

So you're not worried about like, oh, this is my craft. I want a paycheck. Yeah, I want a paycheck. I could say I did the Oscars. It's a pretty good one. Of course I would do it. I mean, I just found it interesting. Seinfeld and the Oscars?

You'll have 15 people next show. Those were like two titans of the game, and they clearly were told to kind of wash it down. I mean, like a whole bit was they can't make fun of Jeff Bezos because they want their packages delivered on time. Oh, that's fun. That's fun. But yeah, I get it.

It's a gig. I mean, I'm doing Cosby's pod after this. So I'm all over the place. But yeah, of course I would do it. But I'm just saying it's like, remember they had the year with no hosts? There was no hosts this year either. They were like the no-host hosts, whatever, yeah. There you go.

I don't know. I think it's a bad – that's why the internet is winning. It's just like, hey, not everybody is this soft and scared and weird. Everything's going towards podcasting and YouTube and all that shit because the – I don't know. I feel like I'm getting too weird here. No, no. Go ahead. We're into it. It just feels like that little army is clamping down so hard that people are like,

ah, we got sponsors. We want to sell tickets. We want to make money. They're just going to go that squeaky, sad, cowardly route, but that ain't fun. What happened to fun? So you've got to go to the internet to see. I was going to say, then you hop on Twitter and you see fucking the dark demons of the world.

Twitter's this horrific, evil cesspool of hate, and then these same people are like, but you've got to be nice. You've got to be progressive. You've got to be inclusive. You've got to be compassionate. It's like, well, compassionate? If one guy makes one slip up on stage, you ruin his life. So where's the compassion?

Which one is it? It's just like Cosby. I'm America's dad, sweater, pudding pop, but I'll rape you. We all balance out. Everybody who's this morally superior chooch online at home is kicking their dog and calling their mom a cunt. So I don't know. It's a weird time. We did used to say that about like, what was it, hockey Twitter back in the day?

There was always these hockey writers who hated us and the way we covered hockey and were so like sanctimonious. You know, the one that really stuck out to me was people were calling Sidney Crosby Princess Crosby. And they were like, this is sexist. Why can't a princess be good at hockey? I'm like, fuck these people. And then almost inevitably all of them would be in like Creeps in the DM. The ratio of it, of hockey

Twitter, this is probably five, seven years ago, of hockey Twitter writers who hated us and also would end up getting blasted by the people who they loved so much. It was almost 100%. It was completely overlapped. It hasn almost 100%. The Venn diagram was crazy. It hasn't happened much anymore, but there was a year stretch where it was unbelievable.

Everyone who would get on their high horse was almost 100% of the time being a creep in DMs. Yeah. And then much worse than that, too. There were also assaults and stuff like that. Oh, shit. Well, all my friends in HR, I know two guys who are HR people,

and they're the biggest dirtbag, deviant, degenerates I've ever met in my life. They're all booze bags and chasing gash and all over the place and snorting rails before work. And then they go and go, hey, it's African-American. All right, these are just words. You're still fucking whores at night. Listen, though, it takes one to know one. I guess so. It's like DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can.

You've got to hire the criminal to do the – it's like I know a scumbag when to know one. You know what I mean? I guess so. I guess so. It's like DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can. You got to hire the criminal to do the, you know? It's like, I know a scumbag when I see one. Mark, you're out, pal. You know? I always say that about once I got older and now I have friends in different fields. And it's like, I have a buddy who's a lawyer. And I'm like, I would never go to you for a lawyer. You're an idiot.

Idiot. I have a buddy who's a successful financial advisor. I'm like, you're an absolute moron. And then I have a friend who's a teacher. She's a drunk. The teachers are the best. Teachers are shit-faced all the time. You're drunk.

You just fucked, and now you're teaching class in kindergarten. Wild. Second grade teacher. Shit-faced 24-7. We're watching a movie today, kids. That was one of the big realizations for me when I was an adult, when I realized that movie day was just when the teacher was hungover. Right, right. I remember being at a bar like trying to meet girls and

whatever a girl would say i'm a teacher i was always like i'm in this girl's gonna be fucking filthy something about teachers they just i guess they deal with kids they see poop and paste and coloring i don't know they just they gotta i think the kids they gotta overcompensate they gotta balance out that's what it all comes back to. The message here, everybody be balanced, right? Yes, and if somebody's super good, beware because there's that other side. So what would be your balance? I just say, right, I'm a piece of garbage.

I'm not smart. I like saying horrible things. I'm a good guy. I do this. I say horrible things, but I do nice. Isn't that the weird thing? I keep bringing up Cosby. But we always get mad at people for their jokes. Big Cosby fan, huh? I have not run

into a Cosby sympathizer. You might be the first. I use him as an example because okay, let's say, and right now by the way, there's some person watching this with blue hair going, these straight white men don't get it. You're like, yeah, yeah, I know, we don't get it, but we got privilege, we're going to use it. But what's the point of having privilege?

I admit I don't get it. I don't know. I don't fucking get it. I don't get it either, but just talk to me. Stop yelling at me. But my thing with Cosby is people get mad at you for telling a joke. Like, you said this joke, you're sexist or you're racist or whatever it is, and you're like, it's a joke.

You should go off my real life. If you went off jokes, then Cosby would be a saint. You know what I'm saying? Look at his real life. That's what you should be focusing on, which we do, but the jokes mean nothing. Chicken cross the road. There's no chicken.

It's all a joke. You see what I'm saying? I never fucked this thing or whatever or I made that fat joke about a guy. It's made up. Yeah, but so, I mean, some of it, is any of it rooted in reality for you? A good chunk of it? Sure, but it's still an act.

Like, if you do a rape scene in a movie that really happened, you're depicting it, but you're not raping anybody. And it's the same with a joke. Like, if I talk about something that happened in my life, I'm just chronicling what happened. This isn't going on right now. Like, if I make a school shooting joke, people are like, how dare you? I'm like, well, I didn't kill any kids. They got killed. Go help them.

The joke isn't the problem. But I know, I come on every podcast and I do this shit, so I'm sorry. Let's talk about Jews or something. Kevin's least favorite demographic. Perfect. Not big in hockey. Not huge. Yeah, the Jew tweets are, they like ice.

All right, that was a stretch. I, yeah, those are the only tweets I've ever deleted. Really? Jew stuff? I think with Jews, they're doing so well, and they're white. I think Jews get no credit for their victimness. They get oppressed. The KKK also hates Jews.

We forget that. Yeah, they get lumped in. Yeah, and the Nazi, or what do you call it? The KKK, the neo-Nazis, they all hate Jews. A lot of people hate Jews. They would never have had a Jewish president, and yet they get no street cred. Other groups are like, I'm oppressed. And we're like, oh, sorry.

Because you're too rich. You're doing too well. I know, but that's not their fault. They killed it. I think it has more to do with the hats. The hats. I think it's more the hats. The curls.

The body odor. Come on, man. It's not a life of the world. The body odor. Right, right. Interesting. I think of Jews. I think of Seinfeld and Larry David.

You run Hollywood. The weather. I think you had a tweet like that once, right? Where you said, people who think the Jews run Hollywood and weather haven't been to LA or something like that. Yeah, because it's so nice to run weather-wise. That was a very's so nice to know what the weather was. Good catch.

You know what? I was telling Kevin before this that it took me a while. I probably followed you for about a year now, but it took me a while to actually follow you. You'd be retweeting on my timeline all the time. Oh, wow. Thanks. I was always like, I'm not going to follow him because I don't think I have much in common with him. I didn't know

what you looked like and I just thought you were Red Fox. Thought he was an old black man. I was him because I don't think I have much in common with him. So I didn't know what you looked like, and I just thought you were Red Fox. Thought he was an old black man. I was like, I don't know. He keeps hitting. These are funny, but I feel like if I followed him, most of the stuff I wouldn't relate to. I changed the picture. I was like, let me see what it's like being a black guy on Twitter. I wonder if I'll get more retweets or less or whatever.

So that's why I did it, but I never changed it back. What's the famous book, Black Like Me? Where someone, I think it's like considered a, you know, a master class in social economics, whatever you want to call it. And it's, I believe what the person who did it

was go and blackface. Pretend to be black. Really? For a long time. Can't do that anymore. Was it Trudeau? Yeah. I thought you were asking, was it Trudeau? I was like, I don't know. Trudeau? Yeah. I thought you were asking, was it Trudeau?

I was like, I don't know. Trudeau? I think so. Yeah. But all right. Because I rail on this shit every week. And, you know, like my friend Ari Shafir just got in trouble for the Kobe tweets. And I talked to him last night.

He's like, he had a great point about all the canceling and the hatred. He's like, this kind of world we're living in, this offended, canceled world, it's very much like a religion. You're in, you're out, we'll punish you, but there's no forgiveness. Every religion's got a forgiveness aspect to it, like confession, repenting, forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned, I gotta get into heaven. There's no, you're just out. You're just done.

Oh, Kevin Spacey, you're out. There is, there's definitely, and I think that's universal with everything, but there's no acceptable sorry. Right. I don't think – sorry, I fucked up. If you give the long speech, I'm like, yeah, my bad. I don't stand by everything I ever said. Yeah. But even if you say that, no one cares.

Oh, that's fake. He doesn't really mean it. You're probably right, to be totally honest. I don't mean it. But there's just no way to win.'s no way to win i guess but uh it just shows that they just want to hurt you it's not actually about justice or saving the world you know like getting yelling at ari is not going to make him change he's still a piece of garbage promise you that yeah our experience changed for a long time oh yeah he's gonna be a hideous you

know untalented guy forever i was listening to to Segura and Kreischer talk about him. And, like, I guess it got to the point. Because I feel like for Ari, that's like another day. Like, it's just whatever. But I guess, like, a few days into it, he was like, people are pretty mad about this, huh? Yeah. And they were like, yeah, fucking Ari. Yeah, they are, man.

Like, it is weird, though, to go from zinger to death threat. Isn't that a weird leap? Well, I do always find it funny that when it's a joke about death or something like that, and then you're the one sending the death threat. Well, this feels a bit hypocritical. Right, right. Yeah, a little pot calling the kettle thing there. I feel like a joke like that, though, was designed to incite.

That's the joke. Right, right. That one was bigger for him, though. He got dropped. I think his agency dropped him. That was all fabricated. Oh, it was? Yeah.

He's like, no, my agent texted me. How funny is this? They sent him the article, and they said he lost his special. He didn't lose his special. He just postponed it because the club was getting death threats. Really? So, yeah, it's all made up, but he said his followers went way up.

That to me is like, you know, no such thing as bad publicity. I know. I don't know if I'm supposed to say all that, by the way. Either way, I'm going to walk out of here and just get a blow dart in the neck. You said too much. Seinfeld's people are pissed. This Seinfeld thing is very funny

now, getting to just even hear you for like a little bit. It's like, well, was Seinfeld confused with another Mark? Because that's not selling his style. Yeah, yeah. He's talking about Mark Maron. I just saw a clip of you on Instagram with the heckler. Oh, that was fun, huh? It was a cool one.

Like, how did that materialize? This guy hit me up, and I read every DM because I'm a fucking loser. Really? And I've gotten free shirts, free hotel rooms, free rental cars. Free shirts that we started with? Oh yeah, well. 30 bucks if you read your DMs. But you never know. Free mushrooms, weed, anal, whatever

you got. And so I read them all and it's a full-time job. I'm going to have to eventually put that to bed. But one guy goes, hey man, I'm a big fan. I'm coming to your show on Friday. I want to propose to eventually put that to bed. But one guy goes, hey, man, I'm a big fan. I'm coming to your show on Friday. I want to propose to my wife at your show. Can we set that up?

And my first thing is like, dude, I'm doing comedy here. This is my passion, my art. I don't want to mug it up with your dumb life-throwing marriage. It'll be divorce in a week. Blow me. Get out of my face. Go bug somebody else. But then I'm like, well, this could be kind of fun.

I'll do it at the end. How about that? After the set. He goes, all right, great. So I realize, he goes, I'll be wearing a green hat. I go, all right, great. And I realize, oh, we didn't set up anything. Like, we didn't make a plan. Wait, that was the extent of it?

That was it. I was like, all right, gotta go, you know? And so I just see this guy in a green hat the whole show, and I'm doing my act, an hour, hour five minutes. And then at the end, an hour, hour, five minutes. And then at the end I go, oh, shit, I got to do the proposal. So I go, hey, buddy, what's your fucking problem? And he goes, ah. And I go, you haven't laughed at my set once.

I've been up here an hour and five minutes. You haven't laughed once. You think you're better than me? He goes, yeah. And you can tell the guy's, like, never taken an improv class. He's freaking out. He's like, well, yeah, you stink, you piece of shit. piece of shit and i was like yeah well why don't you get up here and the whole audience is like oh shit this is gonna be this is gonna be crazy and i just sit back and i go you give it

a shot he just goes kelly i've always wanted to ask you one thing and then you know everybody's like you know it was funny though because i mean i started watching the clip thinking that it was just gonna be like a heckler i mean it worked to perfection yeah and then it almost had like a like it you know it was a good you know heartwarming blah blah but it was like a good twist at the end too so it was like it wasn't that but it was equally as you know it's as interesting it was interesting too because you hear like marriage is so antiquated that's a dumb idea but when some guy gets on one knee there's something that hits guy, girl, gay, and Jew. It just makes you go like, oh, God. I mean, it'll be over in a week. He's going to be banging a transgender person tomorrow, but

just something about that. Right now, it's a beautiful moment. I was curious how you were going to say it, because when Kevin sent me that clip, my first thought was, that must feel really cool. It was cool. And I wondered if it was more of a nuisance or more of the cool feeling. It seems like it's the latter. See, I'm a romantic.

I'm into that stuff. Yeah, I am too. But it's all about... I can tell, really. I'm a big fan of the romance. I mean, I don't know if I'll get married, but yeah, I'll probably die alone. But I like the whole romance thing. It's fun. It's all about intent and

vibe. This guy had a nice vibe. It wasn't like, hey, you cum-guzzling douche, let me propose, you fucking homo. I'm like, wait, what? Fuck you. But this guy was like, I'm a fan, I love you. So I went off of that. So the Jews. But I'm a big fan

of the Jews. If you look at my website, I'll get canceled for this eventually, but it's just me. I have a page called Jews, and it's just like Seinfeld, Larry David, Sarah Silverman, all of them, Robert Klein, you name it, just because I'm such a fan. All my heroes are Jews. You got a good list of Jews? Yeah. Well, also, again, this is why you guys aren't going to get any sympathy.

You just rattled off a whole bunch of really successful Jews. I know, but isn't that cool that they got successful with the struggle, and they never really talk about it. They're never like, well, maybe in Brooklyn they're going, oh, back in my day. But places were restricted. You couldn't go to a restaurant if you were Jewish. Also, how do you know?

What a weird thing to hate. I think I hate you. You've got to look. What's your last name? You've got to check. You hate Asians. Like, I think I hate you. You know, you gotta look. What's your last name? You gotta like check, you know, you hate Asians. It's easy. Yeah, you know. There's always that fine line of

Jewish and Italian. The skin color, the hair type, just the nose. Let me get a profile. Dead on, I'm Italian. Profile, I'm a Jew. People think I'm a Jew. I get the guys in the street going, hello Jew, come talk to us. He's got like a torah or whatever and i'm like no thank you

i mean i could see that like you you kind of do give off a vibe of like a funny new york city jewish comedian you know okay that's the nicest thing anyone's ever yeah right i mean that that that is a compliment so i can see people uh that. Dang, what are you? You're a handsome goy. I'll take it. Beautiful eyeballs, great hair, nice teeth. If I was homosexual, I'd be under the table. You guys must clean up out there. Well, you're a romantic.

I'm a romantic, yeah. I say that a lot. I think I say it just to cover up the fact that I don't really act it. I'm what we talked about earlier. I say it, but I don't know if I do. You say that a lot. I think I say it just to cover up the fact that I don't really act it. I'm what we talked about earlier. I say it, but I don't know if I do that. You're not a married guy. I'm not a married guy, no. What about you?

I'm divorced. Oh! Back on the scene. That's so normal now. I guess so, yeah. I feel like everybody I meet is divorced, and they're like 28. Yeah, I mean, it's normal. My crew of friends and family, it's not.

I'm like the black sheep right so i'm like fuck you know like there's a million other like group friend groups in america that i'd be like oh yeah come join the club all right instead it's like people see me and they're like it's like i have cancer like what really like are you okay i'm like jesus christ i look at a divorce guy or girl like uh like they like they were nom like you've been through some shit you know some stuff more wise see that's what i that's what I view it as. But a lot of people are more like, well, I would never listen to you ever again. You got divorced.

I'm like, well, because I've seen it all, brother. I know what it is. Divorce is a success, really, because you had a bad thing going and you got out. I think it's worse to be in a horrible relationship for the rest of your life and then just fucking eat away at you and die angry. Yeah, that is kind of the uh the hope at least like i hope i hope you're right i got kids the problem is kids if i was single i'd be like what do you have kids the kids makes it more difficult so that that's where people look at it as like a you know a growth a crazy tragedy but i'm like well would

it have been better if you know right right we were at each other's throats forever i don't know yeah oh i didn't know you had kids but at least the kids will have some edge and a little anger and maybe shoot up something. I don't know. But wait. So I don't know how this works. Can we get into this? Yes. So how long were you married?

I was married for like four years. Oh, that's pretty quick. Yeah. I had a friend once who i couldn't make the wedding and uh the wedding was in november i think and i saw a mutual friend in february and i was like ah shit's right i still gotta send him a gift and i moved if i went now you don't i had to hang on to that and it was over by march wow it was real fast yeah that has got to be one of the more embarrassing like i we were fine you know it developed like after getting married but like even if i knew if i had already proposed and the

wedding was planned and all that shit or even if it was only a couple months after i'd be like all right well we gotta stick together for like yeah you gotta hit a year yeah like even if you could split and like go live apart but you got to keep up you gotta hit a year like even if you could split and like go live apart but you gotta keep up the facade for a year yeah do that Irish style I'll fucking sleep

on the couch you have the bed we've cut the house in half but we're fucking staying together I'm not telling my mom this only lasted four months she's gonna be like you quit this thing

just like you quit college didn't you can't be committed to anything well I have that friend who he said he was on the altar going ugh that's a mistake did you have that or who said he was on the altar going, oh, this is a mistake did you have that? no, no, no

I guess if you if it develops between proposal and altar I think you gotta just like ride it out but if you knew it upon proposal not a good idea when did you know?

the job kinda got in the way. Life radically changed right when we first got married. It's funny how that worked. I had a high school sweetheart. I was like, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. This girl is amazing. She's smart. She's funny.

She's sexy. She's cool. And then I found comedy, and I was like, what's her name? Who's this? And it's just sad because you're like, oh oh this is really where I'm supposed to be you know and so you felt like it was it was like this was the one no but I mean like um because that that this was more like a complicated things it wasn't that I was like all right I'm no longer like passionate about you because of my work but was it like you have you found such a love for comedy that it almost made like relationship love

kind of pale in comparison? Yeah, a little bit, which I know is sad, but she's already married some other guy. She's happy. We were together 12 years. It was just going through the motions. We live together, then we'll get married, then we'll have a house with a kid, blah, blah, blah. But thank God I found comedy, I guess, because then you're like, oh, this is what I'm really supposed to be doing. And you don't think you could have done both?

Nah. You wouldn't want to pull the trigger trigger it would be unfair to her she wanted you know a picket fence and a family and me to be home and us to go on trips but right i'm so selfish i guess i'm so obsessed with comedy that i'm like i don't want to go on trips with my kids i want to go do uh radio city yeah right yeah i mean there definitely was was a vibe to me of like i mean it's i think everybody struggles with like work-life balance but for me i was like i find this utterly impossible because i was doing shit like i was i was doing a lot at home and like you know my boss here would be like yeah you know you don't ever you don't ever you know get off your

couch you don't ever go do this and that so i'm getting in trouble at work and then i'm doing a lot of work stuff and she thinks i work too much so it's like yeah exactly work thinks i don't work hard enough home thinks i work too much right and i'm like i'm not really ultimately succeeding at either of them yeah i mean exactly and i was like well what the fuck do i do you know and nobody wants to bring this up but ladies do a thing i've noticed where they're like that's so cool you're a radio host you're a comedian and you host a podcast you do this on tv and then you're like yeah thanks it's cool she's like that's so sexy and then you're like i yeah, thanks. It's cool. She's like, that's so sexy. And then you're like, I got to go to work.

She's like, again? I thought you liked that about me. I got to go do it now. That's my least favorite thing. I guess it's kind of a trope, but it's in a lot of shows. I always think of one specific Criminal Minds episode where Hotchner, he doesn't make home for dinner. And his wife is pissing him. I'm like, he's a fucking FBI agent.

I know. Who was saving the world. That's why you got him in with him in the first place. Yeah. Because being an FBI agent is hot as fuck. Right. And then he's out saving the country. Yeah.

And you're like, the chicken got cold. Yeah. I mean, come on. What is this dinner bullshit? I was going to say dinner in general. I was just like, I don't get that. It's just fuel that we have to put in our bodies. I grabbed Wendy's on the way home.

It's fine. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. It symbolizes a family structure maybe to put in our bodies. I grabbed one of these on the way home. It's fine. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. It symbolizes a family structure maybe to them. I don't know. I've always preached separate dinners. And again, maybe I'm not the right guy anymore to do this. But I think the couple that eats separately stays together.

I don't think girls get how much it's infuriating to a guy. It doesn't matter. Or not even the timing of it all. But it's like, what do you want for dinner? It's like, I want pizza. Well, I don't want that. It's like, okay,

but I'm going to get pizza. You can get a salad. Yeah. We got to order from the same place. I'm like, we'll just have two different delivery men

show up at the same time. Who fucking cares? It doesn't matter. We're sitting here going, what? How was your day? It's not even a good chat. We're not even hanging really.

It's like going to see a movie. Who gives a fuck? Right. Those are actually the good dates because you don't have to like you don't have to talk yeah yeah no but yeah that that that to me is like one of the great like the big the biggest gap in relationships it's like dinner it's just fucking food man it's just food no matter what time have you been in a relationship since comedy who's that i mean i'm seeing a gal now and she she gets it i i had to like lay it down straight up in beginning. I'm going to be out every night because the night

is very big for a woman. It's very big for a relationship because they go to work all day and they're like, dinner, candlelight, fucking Jews, whatever. Angel, angel, cleaves. I feel like they're like, oh, you're gone at eight? I'm like, yeah, my work starts at eight.

They're like, that sucks. I'm like, well, you work all day. How about you change? I'm like, yeah, my work starts at 8. And they're like, that sucks. I'm like, well, you work all day. How about you change? I want lunch. I want to have a romantic lunch when you're not around. I can pop up to your office anytime and say, I gotta work. I'm like, well, so do I. How come your work takes precedent over mine? I guess it's more normal.

Do you find that comedy gets the short end of the stick because it's so obscure? People can understand an office job. You grew up with it, whether it be in media or your parents or whatever. It's something you saw everywhere. No one saw the guy who has to work eight to midnight. No one had that friend.

Right, right. That was like it's very, very rare. So people just don't understand it, don't appreciate it. They don't understand it. And then it gets to this kind of insulting thing where they're like, oh, just skip it. Skip the show. You're like, like skip the show this is my whole passion life and livelihood like right i gotta work out this new joke and and then they'll be like oh you're doing conan i'm like yeah you know how i got conan i worked on the jokes i went out every night that's you can't

have one without the other and you're like it also just demeans what i do skip it like imagine telling a surgeon that i'm not saying i'm a surgeon but like yeah no i gotta work it out yeah you gotta you gotta train i feel like we get that a lot here because a lot of what we do is like we like to we like sports and we watch sports so you're doing what you love and it's like uh you know i'm cracking jokes about like blow jobs and shit it's not like it's not heart surgery it's not we're not curing cancer but it like is what we do people enjoy it yeah and it's like and the way we got here was like, I mean, I'd be at the bar writing an email from my phone, sending it to someone to post it on the website for me. It was just around the clock sort of thing.

Right. And I feel like that always graded and weighed on her and caused friction. And it was just like, this is just what I do. And then you get something good. She thinks it's fun. I'm like, no, this is hard for me. This is hard. That's the other thing.

Liking what you do, it gets dicey in a relationship. Because you're like, I got to go to work. She's like, oh, yeah. Like, you got to go to work. You want to go to work. You're like, yeah, I do. I'm sorry that I found something that I like. Exactly.

I think when people are like, I can't wait to get away from work and go home to you and to whatever's at home. It's like this great romantic honorable thing, whereas it's like, I like both, so sorry. Yeah, exactly. I start to feel guilty about it. Yes. And then you get some career bump, and you're scared to tell them because you don't want them to get annoyed with it. Like, oh, you got to work more? Like, well, I'm getting $10,000 more.

Ah, I never see you. You're like, you're like oh we can go on a trip i got a a drive time radio slot which was like i'm like a big radio fan so it was like kind of my dream come true and i was afraid to talk to her about it because it meant i was going to be home later and honestly and in her defense like that was kind of in my head like i probably should just like guys you know get over it and i was like so worried about getting in trouble or hurting her that i i didn't like you know it wasn't like let me run home and tell her the news so you know part of it was was in my head but yeah just the whole balance was like fucked you know yeah yeah it's not a good way to live you don't want to walk in be like you know you close that door quietly you turn the key and she's like hello you're like

and like in hindsight when you know i i probably made it worse yeah of course handled it you know it's like not her fault but it's hard you know i'm sure other people seem to have figured it out but yeah not not me and dudes are we're fucking idiots and we were retarded too because like i'll do things where i'm like oh she's she's gonna be mad because i'm coming home a half an hour later so i won't say anything and then i'll come home half an hour later and she'll be like why didn't you text me i'm like because i was worried you'd be mad she's like well now i'm more mad like oh yeah i will worry about confrontation i will never shoot myself in the foot like i will always if i can pass it off for

an extra day extra hour like whatever it is like because i'm like who knows maybe this problem will fix itself if i give myself six more hours right and it never does yeah and then in six more hours i'm in double the trouble i should have just fucking said it's always worth that that's betting on yourself and like i'll bet on myself that maybe this or you know i don't know fucking meteor might hit the fucking planet by tomorrow morning so i'm just gonna roll with it i'll come home at eight o'clock in the morning rather than 8 p.m and just hope she hasn't looked at the clock yeah maybe that happened. Maybe she just fell asleep and I'm like, oh, babe, you just woke up.

But what I don't think girls get is that like it's not done out of like I'm not trying to deceive or lie or malicious. I'm just terrified of you. I'm scared of you. I am scared of you. I'm scared of getting in trouble. Yes. And I don't know why that's the dynamic. I think we both should share a little bit

of the blame yes yes we should acknowledge that one person should not be afraid of the other one two grown adults like i know it's gonna be the big exhale when i walk in the door and see your keychains aren't hanging up like oh that's the best i love that yeah i used to lie a lot because i i'm an introvert i like being alone, and I like girls. I like my girlfriend, whatever. She's great. We have a great time. But sometimes you need a minute.

Like Patrice O'Neill had that great point where he said, I don't want to be alone, but I do want to be by myself. And you're like, oh, that's so true. I want to have somebody. I want to have a connection and companionship, but I also want to just watch this quietly for an hour. I'm sorry. It's nothing against you.

It's nothing against women or whatever. I just need this for a minute. I've said that as a romantic, that love is just comfort and silence. If we can both just chill on the couch and I'm not worried that you think I should just be talking or something like that. I'm fine just lounging. That is the dream right there, Mark. Why is that so hard to attain? I don't know why.

That I kind of do put on the girls. All of this is like a two-way street. Sure, sure. Everybody shares the blame. We need a lady in here. But they don't acknowledge that at all. And they take it personally. You don't like me?

No, I just need to hear this. I'm watching a game or I'm watching porn. Leave me alone. My favorite was this, too. She'd be like, you're still on your phone. And I'm like, you are, too. You're on your fucking phone, too. And I don't care.

You can be on your phone. We can both be on our phones together. It's okay. And also, controversial take, but entertain me. Come up with something, then. You want me to pay attention to you? Bring it on. Bring the heat.

Give me an anecdote, a knock-knock, a story. You can't just expect me to be like, is that right? While you're not doing anything, say something cool. And I'll be honest. It's an uphill climb for you because I'm on Twitter, and it is the greatest collection of entertainers in the world. It is the worst thing to ever have in your checks. It was like we used, yeah, had you had the power of the pussy and that like took you a long long way

but now you're fighting like the power of fucking steve jobs and like this shit is really awesome yeah so and there's hot girls on there as well which is another thing but yeah i never got that about the the ladies and uh this is coming from a feminist douche whatever. I'm a fan. I like equality, so I want equality everywhere. Like if I have a one-night stand and I want to leave, the girl's like, what are you leaving? We just fucked. I'm like, well, you're not bringing anything to the table now. Yeah, I know.

I tried to impress you all night for nine hours. I got laid. You got laid. Now you want me to stay, so you shuck and jive for me. You got to impress. Yeah, like, I always say guys have pickup lines, ladies, you need to stay put lines. Like, if you want me to hang out, you do what I did, shuck and jive. And I'm not saying you're boring or anything, but, like, you're kind of insinuating that you're just for sex.

Like, where's the other part? You know, women are like, hey, I'm more than just sex. Well, then let's see it. Yeah, show it. Show it to me. That's all. It's not that crazy. And, oh, you just want to fuck.

I'm like, no, I hang out with dudes all day long, and we don't fuck. So they're being fun. They're funny. Yeah. Or other friends of mine who are ladies, you know, I hang out with interesting women, whatever. But, like, you want me to hang out, so what are you bringing? I've never even attempted that. That's one of the bravest things I've seen. What? Just what are you bringing i've i've never even attempted that that's one of the bravest things i think what just getting up and leaving i've never done it my

whole life i will i will sleep there every even if they don't even if they don't want me there i'll probably stay like they're probably in bed being like i wish this guy would get out of here and i'm like just making myself comfortable it's easier it's exactly what you're saying like i'll just push this off i'll have a mildly uncomfortable night rather than rather than a mildly uncomfortable conversation what have you got shit to do you gotta get that's the thing i i think it's different when like i almost every day i gotta get up and do shit you know what i mean really if you don't have things to do i don't ever have anything i i never have anything to do i haven't had something to do probably since uh i guess if i didn't have kids i wouldn't have shit to do since high school in college i never considered it. I had things I had to do.

I had classes I had to go to. I didn't go to them. I probably haven't had something where I was like, I have to do this since my high school graduation. Wow, look at that. Well done. I guess this interview,

this is my half hour today. I had to come to an interview at noon, but that's about it. I could have done whatever the fuck else I wanted. Damn, you're killing it. This is what black people think white people live like. You know, just like, all they do is one 30-minute thing, they get late,

you look fun, you know, you got cool outfit, and then you go home and cash a huge check. This is what black people think all white people live like. Must be nice! It's a great honor. That's a great compliment for you. That is one of the nicest things you are truly

the whitest man in the world thank you i'm the poster child for white privilege you look like you have a schooner your your shirt is made out of a towel you're killing it i mean listen we we have always been pretty upfront about our white privilege it's pretty fucking awesome yeah yeah i wouldn't trade like the people and i understand where they're coming from with cancel culture and shit, but it's hard to just be a straight white male. In the grand scheme of things, not really. Not in the grand scheme. Not at all.

And when all the canceling talk, when you really break it down, like Ari, he's fine. This shit went up. Well, that's the other thing, too, is if you get truly canceled, you lose your job, lose your income, can't book like then we'll talk about it but like you know a couple bad days on twitter and and you know maybe uh like somebody postpones or whatever you know what i mean it's like you're you didn't get canceled right you just you had a couple bad days yeah it's a stigma that you have to live with that sticks with you a little bit but you know i i always think as long as especially in the comedic comic world like

if you can still go out there and make your living cracking jokes and shit like you still got money coming i feel like ari's got that trump effect to him too where he'll say something again in three months when people forget about the kobe thing because he'll be pissed about that you see which is like oh he said a kobe thing one time no i'm mad about this tim dillon started his show the other day and was like all right let's get into like the ari shafir stuff and he starts talking about it and then reads the tweet and it was his aretha franklin tweet which is like another controversial one he had several months ago and his it was either his co-host or producer was like no no we're talking about the kobe one that was killer that was so good like i mean you know it

just keeps on you know well here's the same cycle well we're so we you can't profile but all we do all day is profile. Hey, you straight white guy, what are you talking about? You're like, how'd you know I was a straight white guy? You profiled me. You know, we all do it all day. Like, everybody hates Joe Rogan. He's a MMA meathead.

You're like, yeah, but if he was black, you wouldn't be this mad at him. You know, he just got the look. Do you think Rogan has a lot of haters? Oh, after the Bernie thing? They're like, this guy's transphobic. He's homophobic. They used every ism. And I'm like, he's like a sweet, nice guy who's like a liberal Democrat forever.

He loves drugs and cars. Like, leave him alone. I didn't think about it politically. I feel like that aside, I feel like he's pretty universally liked. I guess, but I think people see him as this like alpha male douche sometimes. But he's like the sweet, most like he has women openers, black openers. He's employing tons of people of different races. That guy being homophobic is like bananas.

He's so open-minded. It's crazy. But I forgot my point. Shit. I had a point. What were you talking about? It's not too bad for the white guys. You're not until you get fully canceled. I'm not going to call you canceled. Oh, yeah. Shit, I had a point. What were you talking about? It's not too bad for the white guys. You're not until you get fully canceled.

I'm not going to call you canceled. Oh, yeah. Shit, I had something. Fuck. I had a brain queef. Damn it. Oh, I had a good one. Ah, maybe it'll come back.

Damn it. You know, there's always next time. Ah! It was a peach, too. I remember really sitting on it. Damn it, it was something. Ah remember really sitting on it. Damn it, it was something. Ah, shit in my mouth. Damn it.

Can't think of it. I got a question for you. Yeah, lay it on me, buddy. One of the things I've noticed about you on Twitter, you love fact. I love fun facts. Do you think they're real? I think some of them are, yeah. Some are debatable.

The one yesterday I saw, about what I believe, 37% of the internet's porn. But I feel like most of them are things that you heard. I guess it's a snap effect. One time my dad told me that almonds make you hungrier. I just never eat an almond again. Just because I'm scared. I always heard that celery, you burn more calories eating celery.

I've heard that. That you burn more calories eating celery. I've heard that. That I believe. I believe that. Almonds is silly. Almonds is silly. I heard the decline bench press makes you lose muscle mass. I haven't jumped on the decline since college.

I haven't jumped on a regular one since college either. But you're just getting random facts from dudes. Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like my dad. Yeah, yeah. That would be a funny Twitter handle, dad facts. Yeah, that would go viral. But I think some of them are real, but there's all those little myths like Yellow 5 shrinks your nuts.

Remember that when I was a kid? That was big. Myth. I mean, that one. I didn't drink Mountain Dew. I didn't go near the Yellow Starburst for a while. Oh, I had huge nuts. I had to drink a ton of Surge just to get that down.

But, yeah, so there's all those like urban bullshit word of mouth myths but I think some of these are real and they're so perfect because sometimes I'm like, I need a joke today because I try to tweet

like at least three jokes a day just to stay fresh and I need something to bounce off of. Like a catalyst. You can't just pull out a joke out of your ass. I got one,

I was told you can't get an STD if you take a shower afterwards. That's a bad one. Do you want to know something dead serious? A doctor told me that. A bad doctor. He was in cargo shorts in San Luis. It was like a beach town doctor.

Who is it? Dr. Dre? I think it was just the guy who wanted to see my dick and just grabbed the white jacket. I was in there to get an STD test. And I was getting checks for herpes. And he just picked up my dick and looked at it. And he goes, now you're all set. What?

And I was like, come on, man. It was my first time ever getting an STD test years and years ago. And I said, there's got to be a more accurate way. There's definitely something. The lifting of the dick is very fucking hard. And if you notice, I do it like this. hey, there's definitely something. The lifting of the dick is very fucking funny. If you notice, I do it like this. He had tweezers.

I was like, come on, there's got to be something different. There's got to be a more accurate way. He goes, well, I guess if you want to make a thing of it, we could take a piss in a piss cup. I was like, let's make a thing of it. I'm not very dramatic, but let's make a thing of this one. Good for you. Because the girl had called and told me she had herpes.

It wasn't like I'm getting checked. It was like I slept with someone who said she had herpes. Oh, my God. Did you wear a rub? No, I did not. Because she told me afterwards. She told me afterwards. What a scam.

What a mean lady. I don't think I knew that part of the story. That's fucking illegal. Oh, yeah. Well, no, she called me in tears Being like I just got checked Oh okay I let you know

Sorry And so The guy's like I guess if you want I'll piss And I was like Yeah let's do that And so we piss in the cup And then I was like

I honestly don't even know Like I don't know Like is this the most accurate one Yeah Well we could take blood But that's a few days So he He checked the piss

That was fine. Let's really check all the boxes here. Good for you. And we checked blood. And like three days later, he called me and said I was all set. And five days later, that girl called me and said her gynecologist was wrong. And it was just ingrown hair. And I was like, you have a gynecologist who fucks up with ingrown hair?

That's a big time swing and a miss. Yeah, you got a cargo short doctor. She's got a crappy gyno. That goes back to the earlier conversation. Those are like the drunk degenerates who somehow got these licenses. Yeah, right? I don't know what the fuck they're doing. Living the white man dream.

STD free, cargo short, flip-flop doctor. I remember my point. Oh, hit me. Hell yeah, because I remember why I forgot why I brought up that story. That was filling time so he could come up with his decision? This is teamwork to make the dream work. What do you got? It's not great.

I got it back. It's not as good as I thought. It was one of those I thought it was better because it was gone. But my point was, if you really break it all down, we're a bunch of yuck-em-up, fun-loving guys. But we are woke. We just don't sit around jerking each other off about it. You know, like, we just don't have to go, hey, these groups matter and stop hurting people. We know that.

It's so obvious. It's kind of basic, yeah. Yeah, we are. People say, you this, you that. I heard that joke. You're like, no, no, I'm just fucking around. But deep down, we are technically woke. We like gay marriage.

We don't discriminate based on skin color. We want to get high, and religion is dumb. You're knocking me out of the park right now. Yeah, but that's the thing. People just claim you're this, this, and this. You're like, no, no, you don't know me. We are that way at the end of the day. We just don't need to celebrate it every goddamn second.

We're not idiots. We had Rob McElhaney in here from Always Sunny last week. And he was – and Sunny is obviously so over the top with everything offensive. And we were asking why he can do that. And he's like, because people know me. And in my heart, I am not that. That's the key. And it was like –

But he has done it. Everyone knows him because he's had this successful run. Right. And not everyone else has had that. So it's like you don't know me yet because how would you know me right but rather than even get the chance to like know or or find out what my intent was or figure out the context you just that's what assume and judge it's all honkies like i grew up in a black neighborhood i went to public school and we would say crazy shit to each other that if anyone heard that now they'd be like oh you gotta

be put in jail and they gotta be put in jail like jail. But that's how we bonded, and it was fun, and it cut the tension. And it was great. It was a beautiful thing. But if anybody heard that now, I'd be canceled. But I almost feel like you need a black guy present. It's almost like a lawyer now. I use my opener as a black guy because I'm just hanging out with him, and I'm like, they called me racist with this.

He's like, let me hear it. He can go through it like a contract. Like, no, you're fine. I'm like, all right, well, you say it's like, let me hear it. He can go through it like a contract. Like, no, you're fine. You're fine. I'm like, all right, well, you say it's fine. I'm going back out there and saying it. But then all these soccer moms are like, how dare you? And I'm like, what the fuck do you know?

He's dealing with real struggle. You're condescending cunt. This guy's the real deal. He knows. You don't know. You live in a fucking gated community and you have a minivan. You're not the arbitrator. That's not the word.

Arbiter. Arbiter of race relations. That's not the word. Arbiter. Arbiter of race relations and what's over the line and what isn't. The black guy said it's cool. What do you know, skank? Get out of here. Go pass out orange slices. It drives me crazy. Preach, my man. Preach. Sorry. And that's an important word, racist.

You know, we just... That's a real solid, deep-cutting word. You need that. If you use it willy-nilly, you're going to take the teeth out of it, which is really bad. You're just calling everybody racist all day long. We don't know who the real racists are. So now we're fucked.

So I know you're trying to save the world, but you're ruining these important words because you just want to hurt a guy. Sorry. It's all very well said, man. Thanks, thanks. You're selling yourself short. That was a great point. I'm glad you pulled it back from the void. If I don't get a huge reaction,

I just turn inward and hate myself. My parents were not very feedback-y. I'd go, Dad, I made the touchdown in football. I won the game. We're not very feedbacky. I'd go, Dad, I made the touchdown in football. I won the game. And he goes, news is on.

And I'm like, God. You know what it was, though? He was like, I just want to watch this. That's what it was. Not that I don't love you. I just want to fucking be alone for a second. Way to bring it around, yeah. Yeah, kids are the ultimate version of that. Just leave me alone.

Go outside. Get killed. Do something. Get hit by a by a car please just don't bother me i've worked all day for you idiots i put food on the table so let me watch the fucking matlock all right man so uh what do you got you got a couple dates coming up and where can the people hear you and find you a lot of dates uh i'm coming to a town near you i'm blowing up here finally selling some tickets. MarkNormanComedy.com. I'll be in your town.

And I have a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List. We both go out on the weekend. I go to Denver. He goes to San Antonio. We get in a fight. We get laid. We get heckled. We get drunk.

We come back on Monday, talk about it, and then it comes out on Tuesday. It's a fun pod. I forgot to ask you we've heard that you sign off every every show with I've Been Kevin Hart why's that? I get a lot of questions about that I just thought it was silly and dumb

and if I can get another joke in you know in the sign off why not and I was so not famous and I was bombing a lot that I thought it was funny to go, I'm Kevin Hart. I'm the most famous comic on the planet. And you can see these Norwegian guys like, Kevin Hart? I thought he was a black man who was four foot one.

And I just thought that was funny. And then I said, maybe I'll do it on The Tonight Show. Maybe I'll do it on Conan. Maybe I'll do it on Colbert. Just fuck it. Just confuse everybody. And every comment is like, did he say Kevin Hart? And I get joy out of that

people think there's some weird origin behind it has he ever responded or heard anything or no he won't respond which is a bummer but maybe one day

honestly I feel I feel like it almost you know like let it that's not what it's for yeah keep doing it the ultimate would be if he signed off

and said I'm Mark Norman I'd be like oh shit this guy gets it. But, yeah, just for fun. He's just too busy drowning in money. Do you watch his documentary thing? Yeah, I thought that was pretty interesting. Wild.

Yeah. Wild. I thought he put some stuff in there that, like, he really didn't need to. That was like, all right, you showed, like, you know, you showed he's being a fucking asshole. Right. And he always comes back around on it. Sure. And he admitted he was wrong a few times.

Yeah, but that lifestyle, that 4 a.m. workout and then a movie shoot and a TV set and this and that, I'm like, good luck. Have fun. I got my half hour interview today. My schedule's pretty full. You're the anti-Kevin Hart. In every way. Yeah, every way. Big, puffy white man.

Does very little. Lazy. Yeah. Can't get laid. Tiny dick. You got it all. All right, man. Thanks man. Does very little. Lazy, yeah. Can't get laid. Tiny dick. You got it all. All right, man. Thanks so much for coming out.

We appreciate it. Thank you very much. Yeah. That's good. face the mirror of your dream make believe I'm everywhere give it in the light written on the pages is

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