Upstream - Episode 10: The Spy Who Loved Me

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

Oh babey we're here. We made it. It's the mother fucking 70s! Denim, Big hair, Mustaches, Fuckin'- it's time to watch a movie that we all very nearly enjoyed! It's got Jaws, it's got a Ken Adams set, it's got the dude who simply loves the god damn ocean, it's got the SECOND shark pool in the bond franchise- it would perfect, if not for the main character being a complete sex pest fuck freak.   Ah well.   Support the show by heading down to our patreon for BONUS EPISODES! https://patreon.com/killjamesbond   *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond come now you wouldnt shoot a birthday boy would you

On my end? Yep. The Shempai-Kohai relationship. I can't fucking wait. I am now recording locally. Oh my god, I'm so fucking excited. Okay, uh, Dev? Devon. Devin.

Okay. The spy who devved me. That clap wasn't the clap. I'm now recording locally. We're about to sync because I have just started the Zencaster. So when I say Mark, you say clap. Three, two, one. Mark. Beautiful.

All right, I'm going to go straight into the theme song here. I have to get her off. How? The equipment Q sent for me. Oh, I've met it, sir. Little kinky. Welcome back to Kill James Bund, the podcast where we try and kill James Bund. I am Alice Caldwell-Kelly. Joining me are Abigail Thorne. Hello.

And Devin. How you doing? Welcome to Kill Roger Moore. We watched The Spy Who Loved Me. Roger Moore's... Well, I want to call it you only thunderball twice because this is the point where the Bond movies start to like the tape has come a bit

fucked in the machine it's just like showing you scenes over scenes diamonds are thunderball twice yes yes I hate to say this but I enjoyed this movie quite a great deal there's still things to complain about

but this is the most fun I've had watching a Bond film so far oh yeah 100% so I'm just gonna go straight into the synopsis to be honest yeah fucking hit us with it editing has been invented by the time this movie is made

we fucking start it fucking goes. We start on a British submarine, HMS Ranger, which is just hanging out doing Cold War stuff. Only for some fucking tractor beam shit to befall it. The cups of tea in the canteen start shaking, and it loses all power, and it disappears entirely. And at the same time, a Soviet submarine, the Potemkin, also goes missing. And we get this kind of quite fun sequence of M, and M's Soviet opposite number, General Gogol, both doing the exact same thing of like, taking phone calls from their respective bosses and being like, yeah, I'll put our

best agent on it. And we see M immediately texts Bond on his shitty fucking watch. We're out of order a little. We are. Because it is slightly important. So we have Russian Bond, but this isn't no Red Grant motherfucker, this is no, no, boy, this is a girl boss. Yeah!

They fucking- I will get Agent XXX. The way this is made, right, is so clearly intended to be like, you're supposed to be shocked because you're watching this movie in 1970 or whatever. You're like, but who are... I've got to say, I fully fell for it. They fully got me with this scene. I was like, oh! The subtitle spoiled it for me.

Yeah. Gokul asks the secretary, Soviet money penny. Communal property penny. Not justifying that. Where Agent XXX is, and she's like, she's at a people's restoration retreat. Sorry, I'm talking about- and restoration retreat sorry with me agent triple x and it cuts to a couple having sex

and the lad rolls off and my man got a rug god damn my dude has so much chest he looks like the non-union Lazenby yeah exactly and the camera focuses on him and you think it's gonna be

I have to go because I've got a mission but it's fucking her she's agent XXX the Soviet Union's best spy and Bond meanwhile is also doing the exact same thing because this is just what spies do

in their off hours it's bee fucking but like because this is just what spies do in their off hours. Oh yeah, they just fuck. It's bee-fucking. But, like, the reason I want to talk about this moment specifically is because I have a note here that simply says, the 1970s. This is, aesthetically, this is so much the fucking 1970s now bond has like a digital watch which has a ticker tape thing in it that like prints out m yelling at him i think honestly part of the reason why i like this movie so much is because it is 1970s like they finally swopped into it

even even the music a little bit is like it's got the Bond leitmotif to it, but there's all sorts of, and I cannot put this any other way, 70s noises mixed into it. And it's so good! There's like, Bond brackets funk, which, again, if you want to use that on this movie

instead of Live and Let Die, I don't understand you, but I'm quite enjoying it. Bond is in a sort of ski-shallon, a log cabin in Austria with a girl. And just as an example of the sound design that's going on here, Bond has a fairly sort of standard, like, I have to go because, you know, my boss. And she does the usual, James, no, you can't go. I have to come.

I have a... Yes, exactly. She wasn't going to be. I have to get her off. How? But I have here a drop, which I have simply entitled dootdoot.wav. But James, I need you So does England

God's sake, that's so cheesy He pulled out a horn and started tooting Revali there As he says this, he is wearing a bright yellow ski suit, he looks fucking ridiculous Yes There's another line that i really want to highlight which is when when we get to m and he's like uh where's where's bond and some other guys just like

well he's on a he's on a mission sir right now and and m's line is well tell him to pull out immediately and then it cuts to bond fully boning down and it's like there's a lot more of those in this movie i'm really into the do do i in in my head that's like roger moore's sort of like spinning 007 moment thing is every time he does some bond shit what he's hearing in his head is just like, do-do- Yeah. There is a genuinely really good ski chase, though. There's a ski chase! There's a fucking ski chase! Bond, in his bright

yellow ski suit, and a bunch of Soviet agents who include fake Soviet Bond, the guy who Agent XXX was fucking earlier, are skiing after Bond and trying to kill him because

I don't know, just Cold War shit, basically. And Bond kills a couple of them and then dives off of a cliff, skis attached, and pulls the ripcord

on a Union Jack parachute. This is the moment, actually, if you look at any historian's idea of James Bond, I hate that I said that, but if you do, this is the moment when Bond became a fundamental

British hero instead of just a character who happened to be British it's like this hit the psyche of England so fucking hard and it says a lot that my immediate thought upon seeing that was nonce and this moment ends up being deliberately like parodied

in later Bond films when we get to Die Another Day we'll see it come back but it's a genuinely amazing stunt and they really did it they had a guy ski off a cliff he nearly fucking died they just just threw a guy for cliff yeah but like i i also like yeah it's not a doll this time like with lazenby i have a bit more for this movie yeah i i actually have a bit more affection for it than the nonce thing because i don't know combined with the like weird noises which is an ongoing theme of this movie this movie has so many weird noises uh

mixed into it and also just the fact of like everything looking so 70s like as soon as the like the parachute opened i just kind of put my head on my hands, and I just kind of remember going, oh, you daft old bastard, you know? This is the silliest shit I've ever seen. Well, to its credit, I did also write down, now that's some real Bond shit. Yes, yeah, it is. That's fucking capital B Bond shit right there, baby.

Do-do. Yeah, it is. That's fucking capital B Bond shit right there, baby. Do dooooo. Mm-hmm. We get the credits, which I'm not gonna dwell too much on, it's naked girls and guns. The funny thing is that it does seem like Bond is on a trampoline for most of it. The first time you see the Bond silhouette, he's like, springing into frame off of a trampoline nobody

does it better nobody does it better carly simon stuck in my head for the last like two days it's a it's a pretty good song it's a good song it's she's no shirley bassey but she doesn't need to be it's a good song yeah yeah uh meanwhile in moscow uh agent XXX finds out that somebody has killed her boyfriend in Austria, but we don't know who yet. Yeah. In my favorite set in this whole movie, General Gogol's office. Which, I don't know if it's intended to be a reference to Ivan the Terrible, or if it's just, like, I don't know, Ken Adams' brain. But he's in kind of like a communism monastery? It's like bare white walls.

It's huge! There's no reason for his room to be that big. It's massive. A giant banner of Lenin specifically, which is cool. His desk is in the center of the room as well, like, it's not against a wall or anything. center of the room as well like it's not against a wall or anything and the rest of the room is like totally featureless apart from a single chair like in the middle of the other in the middle of the shot right there's just a chair in the middle of the room and so we have invented uh

we have invented editing but we haven't invented cinematography just yet. Oh, we invent it halfway through this movie. No, no. I looked at this chair, and I was like, that's a bit weird. And then it did the reverse shot back to Go-Go, and there's another fucking chair behind his desk, also in just the middle of the room. Equidistant

between the chairs is his desk. He just has this perfect arrangement of like chair chair desk and I really appreciate it the room honest to god looks like a fucking point and click adventure game

where it's like oh I know exactly what I would have to drag onto what here I will put in the scenario yeah he's got a normal phone and he's got a red phone. For, like, top secret shit. Business and pleasure. I would just use the secret phone all the time.

Oh, well, that ruins the majesty of using the secret phone, though. You'd have to get another secret phone to be, like, your double secret phone. Imagine GoGo calls you in and tells you to take a seat, and you just sit in one of the, like, fucked chairs. So as you can see... No, that's fucking... Sorry, that was German.

It was very normal. But then, I ate this store of chocolate since we found... My name is Gogo, I'm the Premier of the USSR. I feel like maybe he would have a different accent to that. I might have fucked that a little. I kind of like Gogol.

He plays off doing M but Russian pretty well, I think. He displays some concern for Agent XXX, and then he softens a bit when he tells her that her boyfriend has been killed in Austria. She doesn't know it's by Bond yet, but we do. And he sets her on this thing of finding the missing submarine, the Potemkin. Now, I mean, we go straight back to the dismal nonce country, to Britain, of course. Yep. And it's one of the movies where we remember that Bond was in the Navy.

Oh, how do they remember it? They pour him into a uniform, and we just... They decant Roger Moore into a naval officer's uniform. Roger Moore has been strained. And he looks so out of it. Yeah, into a Navy commander's uniform. To skim her off. It looks terrible. How?

Also, Roger Moore is... My man is looking old as balls in this film. He's old in this movie. And this is only his third film. He's only gonna look fucking old. He's got four more to go, but he looks like shit. He's like 47, I think, in this movie. Or around there. Navy Bond

goes to Fast Lane Naval Base in Scotland, which looks as miserable then as it does now, or at any other time. And gets the fun briefing from the various Royal Navy people. My favorite part of this, right, is that not only does the Navy work in a very modernist

office in Scotland, but there's a big metal vault that says Polaris control room, right? And when the Navy are trying to brief him and M, the way that- Oh, sorry, he was 49 in this movie. Jesus! The way that they try and open this is, you open a blank keypad, just push a bunch of like different buttons. They all make a slightly different tone or beep as well and then the the giant sort of vault door swings open and a computer on a fucking

motorized thing is just yeeted out towards you it's fantastic i it's some real Bond shit. It's some real Bond shit. Like, this is the thing, this whole movie is just, like, it's so fucking silly that, like, once it sheds the sort of thing of, like, oh, we have to take this seriously, and just goes into, like, one of our submarines is missing, 007, you can just be like, oh, yeah, okay, this is stupid. I can play along with this. Yeah, it's good. And the upshot of this scene, which, like many of the scenes in this film, goes on too long,

but the upshot is that somebody has found a way to trace the position of nuclear submarines when they are underwater. And whoever it is who has managed to do this is maybe located in Cairo. So go there and find out. And then we cut to our main boy, the villain for this movie.

Yes. Marine biologist. Discount Blofeld. Karl Stromberg, who I quite, I enjoy him a little bit more than I liked Blofeld, actually, in everything except the... It's kind of interesting. I thought he was just going to be a Blofeld guy. I thought he was just going to be like Karl Stromfeld, a different man. But he kind of carries it off.

The difference is that Blofeld's plans made slightly more sense. Yes. made slightly more sense. Yes. The thing about Stromberg, right, is that he kind of brazen's this move out by being the most Scandinavian man.

So he just kind of, like, he spends this entire movie sitting there in, like, diaphanous black robes, like Death and the Seventh Seal. All of his fucking chairs look like they were designed by a lessee. Like, they're fucking just lumps. He's just got shapes in his

house that he sits on. Extremely uncomfortable looking modernist chairs and he just talks like Observe, Mr. Bund. He calls him Mr. Bund so fucking often. Mr. Bund! Mr. Bund! He has one

massive long table though and the scene in which we're introduced to him he is sat at one end, there is woman sat at other end, don't worry about her and then two guys come in and these are the most fucking scientist looking ass guys I have ever seen

I could be wrong about this because I didn't bother to check but I'm pretty certain that one of these dudes was also the nuclear physicist in Thunderball. Which leads me to believe that along with our favorite app Hench, there is also like a Boffen app, and you can just like sell your services to the nearest evil genius if you're a professor of something interesting well they sure as fuck aren't gonna get another job after this i guess when you've worked with one evil genius really you're sort of typecast at that point that's true you've got you can only be the evil scientist so he brings them in and he goes ah

and uh what's what voice i'm gonna give him the German one because he's called Stromberg, even though he doesn't sound like that. He sounds a bit like Henry Kissinger. Because, ah, fantastic. You have successfully held up your half of the bargain. Now I have sent 10 million to each of your Swiss bank accounts. However, there is one thing. And then there's like drama music and he's like I have determined that

someone in this room no he doesn't he just goes I have determined that someone has betrayed me and sold a microfilm to someone tried to sell it in Cairo someone's leaked the tracking device thing

you'd better leave us and she gets up and walks into the elevator to leave. But it was a fake out. He knew that she was the one who did that. And he presses a big button. Classic Blofeld maneuver.

And drops her into a fucking shark tank. I mean, even the shark tank's about... This is a movie that basically has no individual new ideas. It's like, you only thunderball twice, is what it is. But like...

It's a bit of From Russia in Love, too. We are running out of water-based animals that can kill people. I mean, we are- the only one that's really left is jellyfish, and Alex Ryder already did that. Well, not yet, so... We've had crocodiles, we've had sharks, we've had piranhas. Jellyfish. I mean, what else are we going to have?

Like, dolphins? Yeah, exactly. They went... They had sharks. They busted sharks first, and I think they realised that was maybe a mistake to go so early on sharks. Yeah.

And they're like, fuck, piranhas? I don't know. Crocodiles. All right, fuck, bring the sharks back. Sharks again. Just one shark this time though. Sharks again twice. Just one.

So this poor woman is eaten by sharks, and the boffins are terrified, but he's like, no, go, go. I've done all of my terrifying killing. I definitely won't have you killed now. Even though you've just established that I love to kill people by misdirection. They both get in the elevator as well

immediately afterwards. And I was like, I wouldn't have personally gotten out of the elevator. I would have taken the stairs. Also, it makes no fucking sense because it makes no sense because they get on a helicopter to fly away and they're like, oh, well, we did it, we escaped.

And then he presses a button and blows up the helicopter and it's like, why? Double blow felt. If you were going to kill them anyway, if you were going to kill them anyway, why did you also blow up your own helicopter and flight crew? Why didn't you just dunk them in the shelter?

Why didn't you shoot them with a gun? He just loves blowing up helicopters. Someone gets in the helicopter and takes off and they immediately get a call from him that's like you have outlived your usefulness to me after taking off your helicopter. Goodbye.

I think he has a very perverse... He just killed your own crew. The thing is is it takes ages to reset the spring-loaded floor on the on the elevator so you you gotta do this but this tells us everything we need to know about carl stromberg which is that his plan is fucking insane that's true that is true also this movie really over-relies with Stromberg on man-controls bank of CCTV cameras to show, like... He has one panel that does everything. this show. But they show him pressing different things on there and zooming in and panning around and it's like, ah, this omnipotent tech guy, which is very fun.

Yeah, the problem with that panel that you used to control this is you have electrocuted me a few times by accident while trying to play the- Do you mind pressing your hand to this metal plate that plays one of the drops, Mr. Bellew? There is one thing I'd like to highlight is that we see that Stromberg is on an underwater fortress that can submerge and come up again.

And I would just like to point out there is a fireplace behind him with a chimney. Yeah. There's just like a storage room for where that goes. How the fuck? This man is underwater and he has a fireplace.

How have you done this? It's a really, really long chimney. There is a shot where he presses the button and the window guards come up and we see that he is underwater. And in the same shot there is a fireplace look he's just he knows how much oxygen he has in that room

and he's like look look I could be breathing this or I could be warm baby this also he's he's really taken a cue from Dr. No, right? Because the magnified fish window is back. Oh, he has so many fish windows.

This man loves looking at fish. He loves looking at fish so fucking much that he has his entire secret base paneled in fish windows. Here's the thing. That's the second one, by the way, in case you're keeping track. The thing is, his base, and he fucking presses a button and it goes above the the order so that his two scientist guys can take off again just shoot them but whatever um and this base is the most fucking evil looking base i have seen in some time it's like the dark version of the LAX terminal.

It's really cool. It's so cool. I love it. So we also get to see his henchmen, which in this case, we get another fake out, because it's a big dude with a lot of neck rolls called Shandor. Who I really like. I really like Shandor. I like Shandor a lot. He summons a wide man and he's like, no no no no no, that is not the dimension in which I want my henchmen to be.

No, no, different axis. Give me another one of these guys. Who steps through that door, baby! Richard fucking Keel, it's Jaws! It's Jaws! We love him! Jaws fucking Owens. Bring me a wide henchman and a tall henchman. Kiel. It's Jaws. It's Jaws. We love him. Jaws fucking Owens.

Bring me a white henchman and a tall henchman. Bring me a very tall man. Bring me a seven foot tall man with metal teeth. And I'm gonna get these two guys together and I'm gonna set them a mission which is go to Cairo, find out who's been selling

this microfilm with my fucking secret plans on it and kill everybody who's gonna even get near it it's genuinely like a pinky in the brain duo character designs except both of them are massive

it's like two huge guys there's no other foible to any of their characters it's not pinky in the brain it's like h huge guys. There's no other foible to any of their characters. It's not Pinky and the Brain, it's like Hunk and the Hunk. I employ two large men, but large in different directions. My next man is very deep. Everyone thinks he's extremely deep. He's like a place.

We've got to go to Cairo. You know what Cairo is? it's in Egypt you know what Egypt has? desert you know what desert has? camels and so the next shot and this occasions my note which simply says camel nonce is Bond

wearing full Lawrence of Arabia like Bedouin dress riding a camel in the desert check this out what about Nance of Arabia is that anything

Nance of Arabia you have to sort of you have to mouth Nance a little bit weirdly to get it to work but I think Nance of Arabia he enters a sort of a caravanserai tent. And we get two things which I approve of. Roger Moore saying,

Salaam alaikum. And then Roger Moore saying, May the peace of Allah descend upon this magnificent abode and allow a poor traveler to enter. Yeah, they made the interesting decision in this one to be like, maybe he should be able to speak the language. Like, after all the previous ones where Bond is like, you'll forget I took a first in Oriental languages at Cambridge, and then just can't speak at all. They were like, maybe he could just speak Arabic, actually.

Yeah. And of course, he, like, went to Cambridge with the Sheikh of Egypt? None of these people are Arab. Yeah, not entirely clear what this guy's deal is. He's just a white guy in a tent. For a second I thought it was gonna be a like, I refuse to go entirely Egyptian thing, but like, no, he doesn't work for MI6, he's just like, an Egyptian guy, who is not Egyptian, who Bond went to Cambridge

with is he meant to be Egyptian? yeah his name is Sheikh Hussain there are three girls in the background who are all billed as Arab beauty directly in the credits and none of these people are Arab I did not realise that this guy

was meant to be Egyptian I thought he was just an old friend of Bond's who works in Egypt. No. Exactly. Because you would be forgiven for not realizing. Because this man doesn't look a fucking thing. You want to talk about racism. There's a bit where the gear changes on the racism,

and there is a breathtakingly fast elevation of the racism because there are two lines. They finally find an Arab actor because there are two lines there are two lines back to back right and as soon as I was about to pause to clip one of them the second one got me and it was like a two hit combo directly

to the fucking windpipe Bond salams this guy this guy salams back he's surrounded by like the treasures of the orient and he says salams this guy, this guy salams back. He's surrounded by, like, you know, like, the treasures of the Orient, and he says... We don't only have oil, you know.

But what can I offer you? Sheep's eyes? Dates? Yeah, no, I was, I had a stun lock on after this. We don't just have oil, Bond. Would you like a sheep's eye? Please. Or some pussy.

There's a moment I'd like to highlight because this guy is surrounded by sexy ladies and he says to Bond, he says to Bond, oh, can I offer you like a bed for the night? And Bond's like, ah, I should really like get going on my mission. And this guy like claps his hand

and this lady in not a lot walks in and and bond says oh well you i guess you're yeah all right i could shag um but something i so it's implied that this guy is like offering bond this woman is his mistress or his wife or she works with him but either way she looks fucking. She is not making a facial expression like, oh yeah, I would love to shag Roger Moore. She looks fucking scared. I should also say, the kind of vibe that you get off of this guy,

off of Hussain, is sort of like Hedonism Bot from Futurama. It's kind of like, I have to get you in some pussy Mr Bond Mr Bond have you taken in our fine Selection of pussy We have some fantastic

Cunt stars Mr Bond The line that Bond says upon realising That there's pussy offered with the bed Is well when one is in Egypt one should delve deeply into its treasures yeah I just wrote nonce in full caps actually I wrote nonce four times in a row this is the point in my notes where I have

three in a row that just say nonce and I'm already living it. So Bond has to go to a guy's apartment to find a guy called Fekesh, who has information on the microfilm. Fekesh has the nicest apartment in the world. It's very nice. A sexy lady tries to distract Bond. And is like, can I distract you with some pussy while we're waiting?

To set him up for being murdered by Shandor. And this is Roger Moore, so he was like, well, I have just eaten. Yeah, what's really funny is he's like, no, this is an obvious trap. I'm going to go look in this other room instead. He takes two steps into the other room

and then changes his mind. He's like, ah, pussy. To be fair though, there is some pussy on offer so let's see um and then he does a move that is similar to the was it the start of a different movie come on come on buddy where where he's about to get shot and he just swings this lass around and lets her take the bullet just fully kills her and leaves not like as offensively written this time because she has a line that kind of suggests that she's throwing herself in the way

of the bullet because Bond I don't know, did fuck magic on her. Doesn't come across in there. But Bond fights Shandor on a roof and then murders him. Like really viciously oh yeah this is the unprovoked violence for this quite truly like bad because like shandor is like a big dude

right he's a big bald dude watching this guy run watching this guy fight very funny i'm genuinely he's like one of those dudes who's it's funny to watch run because his muscles can't get out of the way of the rest of him. So he'll just be like running up, running upstairs and just like, sort of like different bits of his anatomy will be like colliding with each other. Every time I see Shandor run, I want to do the like Gary's mod collision noise. Fuck, that's good. I might edit that, to go out when this goes. Yeah, but no, Bond extracts information out of him by dangling him over the edge of a roof, he's like, where's Fakesh?

Shandor tells him, the pyramids, because there's only two locations in Egypt, and Bond doesn't even go, like, thanks, and hits his hand free and drops him to his death. It's questionable morality for that entire scene, really. Bond commits murder. It's pretty vicious. R.I.P. Shandor.

Cronstein-Rosep. I'm just, I'm flagging it up. No, no. I have another candidate for this. If Shandor, I was thinking this too, but like, if Shandor had survived longer, Cronstein-Rosep, and I have another candidate for this. If Shandor... I was thinking this too, but like, if Shandor had survived longer, Kronstein or Zep, then I have something entirely different in mind. Very well. Oh, I actually think I know what you're referring to,

and I maybe agree. So we go to the pyramids. It's night. There's a big spooky light show about the pharaohs, which is cool. Bond spots Fakesh in the audience, and the reason why he knows what he looks like is because in for kesh's office there is a framed photograph of himself

on his desk it's called self-care and it fucking rolls it's so good i flagged that up i was like what the fuck is it it's it's so good i actually have a framed photograph of myself directly opposite from where I'm sitting. Yeah, James Bond needs to identify you. Yeah. So, Agent XXX is there, she is trying to get information out of him, and Fakesh, like, sort of, he makes a run for it. And he is pursued by Jaws. Exit pursued by Jaws.

He likes, when the lights light up one of the pyramids or the Sphinx or some shit, like, a bit of the side glare illuminates Jaws as well, and Fakesh immediately is like, it is time for me to exit this establishment. Yeah, he's like, That's a big guy, too. Is that Richard Kiel? Was that Richard Keel? So we get to see that

Jaws' pasty piece is he bites stuff. He bites stuff because he's got metal teeth. The guy like Fakesh padlocks him out and Jaws bites through the padlock chain, which is made of licorice by the way. I wouldn't have made it out of licorice personally. I'd have preferred

chain or metal, maybe. That would have helped. You would think that that would come down to Jaws' strength, rather than the strength of your teeth? But... Yeah! Okay. Also, the way in which Jaws then kills Vakesh is to, like, bite his neck in a really long shot that kind of suggests that Jaws is a vampire Yeah he's

sort of shot like Nosferatu in this scene which is very strange To me it suggested he was kind of gently kissing Fakesh's neck because Richard Kiel is so gentle with his deathly embrace that it just looked like he gently kissed Fakesh and Fakesh swooned

Also he can't open his mouth wide enough for it to look like you'd be able to get enough of a bite of a neck to kill someone like because and let's talk about these fucking like these grills because this is actually the the invention of grills this wasn't popular before him this was popularized by this movie um they were fucking painful to have in keel's mouth like he could only wear them for 30 minutes at a time and there was a lot of direction he was being given to like pull somewhat funny facial expressions with these teeth in and he was managing it god bless him but like it hurt to wear those he couldn't open his mouth

very wide um yeah we just tortured this guy for iconic yeah absolutely so Amasova and Bond Agent XXX and Bond meet for the first time she's like she has Abigail Thorne's stereotypical sexy Bond lady voice so she's like what have you done

with Fekesh Mr. Bond what have you done with Fekesh? Mr. Bond, what have you done with Fekesh? Yeah, she fully just calls him Gems Bond. Mr. Bond. Nobody fucking gets his name right in this whole movie. Oh, D-Drock. Yeah. oh dude's right yeah together they work out that they have to go to

a sort of I guess a club in Cairo which fine to meet Fakesh's dude

Fakesh's friend and there's a cute moment in the club where they order each other's drinks it's quite cool it's cute where he's like

oh the lady will have a Bacardi on the rocks and she's like Mr. Bond will have a martini shake and not stew. It's very cute. Yeah, and this is the thing, like, the two of them actually have a bit of chemistry.

Roger Moore can act a little bit. It's like, and plus in general, just as like a personal business, a personal, like, weakness, I will always, always, always always always have a weakness for two equally matched rivals kind of romance each other whether that's Fucking absolutely mister and mrs. Smith or this is how you lose the time war it's like that's

Inject that shit into my veins so these guys guys, just kind of like, having this repartee of like, oh, we both know each other, we're both very good at what we do. That's fun! It's cute! I don't have so much funness for that sort of storyline, but that's for personal reasons. I also somewhat want to say the director has discovered

cinematography. They finally invented it during the runtime of this movie because the entire Egypt scene is played during a fucking talk about the pharaohs where the lights are turning on and off and illuminating different things. And while Jaws is approaching at a light jog, he never moves faster than a light jog. I really respect that. He just has his arms at a 90 jog he never moves faster than a light jog i really respect that yeah he just has his arms like a 90 degree angle going on his way um and it's it's fantastic and the

lights are turning on and off and it's really menacing it's genuinely really good i was very impressed also tracy is canon yes uh james bond is a code name is it no fucking uh this is the same guy as george lazenby bond you will maintain continuity absolutely not this man is a sea captain in world war ii he has been to space and was captured in north korea this guy has the same fucking guy across every single one of these movies. Well, we know that he was married. She doesn't say that his wife was Tracy.

It's pretty heavily implied. Married only once, and he is, like, hurt. He, like, gets her to stop talking about it. I was genuinely upset to have that one brought up, which is good, because I really liked that movie, and I'm glad that that actually...

James Bond isn't a codename. He has a codename. It was 007. James Bond is just his name. He's one guy. He's a guy. He's a dude. He's a guy who's named after an ornithologist. Yeah. Jaws kills the guy that they're there to meet.

Jaws breaks in disguised as a telephone repairman and vampire bites the guy yeah so I want to pull out I think the reason why I like this movie is that everyone involved is having the same amount of a good time as Christopher Lee

was playing Scaramanga they're there to see a guy whose name is Kalba, I think, or something like that. Who only ever talks like this. And he is just fucking teeing off on Bond the entire way through it because Bond arrives and goes, my name is Bond, James Bond. And Kalba replies, what of it?

And then he's trying to buy the fucking microfilm off him and then Anya shows up and she is also trying to buy the fucking like microfilm off him and then Anya shows up and she is also trying to buy it and the guy's like seems you have some competition Mr Bond yeah and this guy has a fantastic profile too he's got like

one of those faces that is just beautiful it's built for Ah, incredible. It's built for a profile shot, 100%. And he's perpendicular to Bond for the entire shot. So it's very, very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Bond and Amasova sneak into the back of Jaws' phone van. Yeah, because Jaws has arrived dressed as a phone repair guy.

And he's kneeling down. Totally in character. He brought his own van for this. Oh, 100%. And, like, Carver walks straight past him to go into the phone booth. And he, like, unfolds himself as he gets up. And this guy's so fucking tall. And just opens the door and, like, kills this guy.

And I just wrote, excellent work, Agent 47. Yeah. Bond and Amasth were sneaking to the back of the van. There's another fun bit of chemistry where, like, they're kind of, like, wary of each other, and then after they've been in the van in the back for, like, long enough, she kind of, like, half falls asleep on his shoulder, and then she, like, wakes up with on his shoulder and then she like wakes up with a stub she's like oh i didn't do that which is kind of it was kind of fun it's quite having a

nice time at this point yeah and the thing about i think the the best thing is that jaws has like a microphone in his in the back of his van that he can hear yeah you don't have those and it's so good because they like talk about him and they talk about him in a little bit glowing tones, like, this guy's good. And you can see Jaws just smile a little to himself. Yeah, he's a professional killer. He's a professional killer. So he drives them to an Egyptian temple,

because this movie has less respect for Egypt than OSS Saint-Dix-Saint did, a movie which was doing this on purpose as a joke. And again, we do some cinematography. There's a bit with like a sort of forest of columns where they lose Jaws in it, and they're kind of like searching from side to side, and it's quite threatening. Until you realize that either Jaws can teleport. Until you realise that either Jaws can teleport, or Jaws has, this seven foot tall man has assassins-creedsed his way up one of these fucking columns, because he's just above them now.

Yeah, he's like, meters above them, all of a sudden. It's very good. They have a fight. They have a fight. Amasova tries to escape with the microfilm, and, uh, the fuck- this fucking bit, man. She's trying to escape by stealing Jaws' van, she, like, can't get it in gear, and then what would otherwise be a relatively funny scene of Jaws, like, dismantling this van around her and Bond.

Like, he keeps, like like attacking it from different angles he tears part of the roof off uh he like tries to street fight a bonus level yeah yeah it was really it was really like jaws ripping the van up fucking ruled but bond was ruining it because every two fucking every shot he goes to bond and he's just like uh women drivers it's it's genuinely just like it's a good scene, except in between every shot, they've just added in a cut to Bond, and he says the worst shit you've ever heard in your life.

And then it cuts back to the good things happening again. She tries to get it in gear, and it grinds a bit, and he's like, do you know any other tunes? It's like, oh, fuck off, dude. Shut the fuck up. So they manage to escape Jaws. The van falls apart because it has, again, been absolutely destroyed by Jaws, which is cool. I did make a mistake not flagging this up earlier, actually.

not flagging this up earlier actually but the when they when they're fighting jaws just before they attempt to escape um they they knock down a scaffold onto him and roger moore says a line he just like dismissively goes egyptian builders and there's a little bit of a story behind that line so they had a guy from the egyptian government on the set watching everything that was happening to make sure e Egypt wasn't portrayed in too negative a light. And they really wanted to get that line in. So Moore just mouthed it and they dubbed it in afterwards

and it went unnoticed by the censor. And ironically, Egyptian audiences fucking loved that line. We're really all about that one. Really? Which was, yeah, it was really an interesting little bit. Egyptian Baz was like, oh yeah, we are shit.

Fucking builders. Remember when Pyramid Builders was odd. Anyway, both Bond and Amas end up stuck in the desert and I'm going to refer back to this when we do a movie called Quantum of Solace, but

if I was stuck in the desert, I would simply walk out of it. Because that's what they do. Which they do? Yeah, they just walk to the Nile, like, the next part of Egypt set. Yeah. Bond arrives at

Brackett's landmark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bond examines the microfilm that he has taken off of jaws uh he and amasava have some more repartee and there's something really nice about this um moment where they are on a riverboat to cairo uh and it's just so romantic like the backdrop is so gorgeous and they're on the water and they're both all dressed up. And the way both actors are playing this is just like, they're both trying not to notice how romantic this setting is. And it's just like a really,

really nice chemistry to this. And there's this great line where, where they're cold and she says, Oh, I don't need like, I'm fine with the cold. I went on a survival course in Siberia and Bond says, yes,

I believe a great many of the countrymen do it's just very cute I have something completely opposite to flag up regarding this scene because that's the reason why you have the both of us on this podcast

Roger Moore has a fucking mode that you can flip him into where he swaps into fuck voice and he'll deliver any line in this voice but he so they get onto this guy's boat they just get like they walk out to him roger more speaks arabic to him and they arrange that they'll take him to egypt which he's in egypt take him to cairo which is very nice um it's good that he can speak it but they're on the boat and roger roger moore just keeps saying like normal lines and then he'll like get very close to the camera very close to the microphone

he'll be like so what else do we teach you on that survival course in siberia it's a little bit like prince philip there i did my Duke of Edinburgh in fucking Yakutsk yeah bad idea really much easier to do I'm going to do this fear to Uno he just gets very low

and very close to the camera and he'll deliver any line in that voice and you're supposed to be like oh this is horny now yeah we're fucking now the thing that I want to be like oh this is horny now okay yeah now the thing that i i want to pull out from this scene that i badly want to make the preview the trailer uh i want to put it on our sizzle reel is yeah okay so so so he's trying to seduce her, and she's like, Oh, can I have cigarettes? And he's like,

Ah, classic Moon Valley Russians. And she puffs the smoke in his face, and this is unedited audio of what happens. happens. Bond... is enveloped by a haze of mids. Fully! It is Roger Moore, like, surrounded by a cloud of smoke, and like, losing consciousness, because she drugs him. But the effect to the modern viewer is fully, I consider, mids-loud. You know, it just... I...

Smoking on that shit that killed James Bond! Yeah. smoking on that shit that killed James Bond yeah we are truly smoking on that shit that killed James Bond and when you are smoking on that shit that killed James Bond the noise that happens to signify that is actually it's actually getting me more fucked up if anything So this is... Sam, where'd you find this?

Actually, it's actually getting me more fucked up, if anything. This is actually a direct reference to a 50s movie called To Catch a Thief, which has that exact same music played during a moment when a guy gets knocked out with a cigarette. So it's a direct reference, but it is unbelievably funny yeah and she just gasses him and steals the microfilm and leaves him dead absolute queen shit gaslight gatekeep girl boss and so bond wakes up and he's like oh shit i'm going to have to go to next location oh fuck what else is in egypt walks into brackets Egyptian location number 3 Karnak

which is in Cairo we assume yeah and we're doing the fucking hidden M office thing again it's fun every landmark in a Bond film is secretly MI6 headquarters but the problem is real estate prices

are too high these days, so MI6 and the KGB have to share a landmark office, because Bond walks in there, he goes, Moneypenny, how you doing, queen? Nice tushy you are on there today, and walks straight through, and it's Gogol is there.

And Bond is like, also Gogol has a little cam desk, like a folding desk, but he has brought a full-sized stone bust of linen with him, which is an incredibly powerful move. He knows what's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, really, there's this sort of cute series of moments because M and Gogol have this kind of like professional relationship. They call each other by their first names. So there's a bit where they're like going through the temple and he's like, after you, Alexis. No, no, after you, Miles.

It's very cute. Yeah. So essentially MI6 and the KGB have realized that they've both had a submarine stolen and they've decided to pool their resources in a thing that Gogol keeps referring to as Anglo-Soviet cooperation. Anglo-Soviet cooperation. God, I wish. Anglo-Soviet cooperation. Anglo-Soviet cooperation. Also, do you like Q's sight gags? Fuck.

Yes, I do. Because this movie has noticed that some of you like Q's sight gags. And so we have fully two minutes of Q's sight gags. Q has just set up a laboratory in this ancient Egyptian temple where he is testing various gags and wheezes. Like, um... Wacky racist ass shit. Like a whoopee cushion and, like, a spring-loaded chair and a flower that squirts water and various like a tea tray that kills people he's got a maglev tea tray come on

it's fucking sick nasty he puts a tea tray down on like a pile of bricks and it shoots up with enough force to decapitate a fucking dummy and he says great work I want that ready for Ahmed's tea party fucking ridiculous he doesn't put the phlegm in there yeah yeah yeah it's like I adapted this from the shitty the shitty monorail and you

only live twice Ken does love a monorail doesn't he he really does there's another one later on there's another monorail he can't stop playing monorail there is a monorail, doesn't he? He really does. And he's right. There's another one later on. There's another monorail. He can't stop saying monorail. There is another monorail. It might even be the same monorail. It's just like, we've got to reuse this monorail.

Capital B, capital S, big set that's coming up later on. So they work out that the microfilm came from a laboratory belonging to Stromberg in Sardinia. 007, this microfilm comes from the Laboratoire Garnier. You're going to have to... They take the train to the Laboratoire Garnier. There is a fun...

You're going to have to disguise yourself as a rabbit. Can we say that? Is that acceptable? Yeah. I genuinely appreciate the, like, rivals arc thing here. It's really good! They're, like, on the train, they have separate bedrooms,

and we cut back and forth between them both waiting, expecting the other one to come in and fuck them. And they're just like, oh, bloody hell, she's taking her time, or whatever. But they're both doing the same things. And it's nice! It's nice to have a woman who is, like, in this series who is like, yeah, no, I'm definitely

sexually desirable, he's gonna come to me. I think it's good. But then, of course... Richard Keel! Richard fucking Keel! She opens her cupboard, and Jaws is there, and it zooms in on his face face and I don't know what face he was supposed to be pulling but my man looks like a fucking corpse. It zooms right in

and there's not a fucking muscle moving on his face at all. And I was there like, oh shit, Jaws is dead? Question mark. And then he just like activates Jaws mode. He leaves the cupboard. There's this phenomenal shot that I desperately want to make the episode art where he's like. He leaves the cupboard, there's this phenomenal shot that I desperately

want to make the episode art, where he's like halfway out of the cupboard and he's just so... he's on such a different scale compared to her, it's fucking incredible. His opening move is to grab her entire face. That's how big his hand is, that he can just do that It's incredible So yeah He chokes Bond He chokes Bond Roger Moore said in his autobiography

That he has three expressions when playing Bond Left eyebrow raised Right eyebrow raised And fighting Jaws And he really does He works out the facial muscles For the only time Face he makes when Jaws. And he really does. He works out the facial muscles for the only time. Works out the facial muscles.

The face he makes when Jaws chokes him is the sub emoji. Like he does with the big eyes. It's like, oh no! It's so ugly! He's pushing two index fingers together like that is the face he's making!

Two pointer fingers Like, ooh Jaws, you wouldn't There's also a great shot where Jaws Is like smacking him repeatedly Like he's picked him up bodily And he's just hitting him against the ceiling And it's so clearly a dummy In Michael's show

Yeah, but Bond Bond electrocutes Jaws He throws him from the train and we establish something about Jaws which is he is able to survive implausible things Jaws is unkillable there is a shot of Jaws sort of dusting himself

off contemplating life in the universe after being thrown from a train which I appreciate a lot it's nice he's just like well fair enough next on the agenda. And I respect that fucking go-getter attitude. He had a plan. It didn't work out.

He got thrown out of a train and he just stood up and was like, well, fair enough. Richard Keel actually insisted on those sorts of moments. And when he was auditioning for Jaws, the original guy in the script, Jaws, was just a kind of like dumb henchman. And Richard Keel actually said, no, I'm only going to do it if you let me was just a kind of like dumb henchman and richard keel actually said no i'm only gonna do it if you let me put in these kind of humanizing moments

um so this was all kind of this is like very much his take on the character yeah and not only did it fucking worked perfectly because jaws is an absolutely cultural juggernaut and richard keel very much was just signing his his fucking check for the rest of his life by playing Jaws twice. Oh, yeah. Because he got to play parody Jaws about 400,000 times in the succeeding years. And it's fantastic. He played one character that he fucking nailed and was just like, yeah, I'm just going to live on this now. Yeah.

Dude's right. Yeah. So Bond and DeMars have a check into their hotel on Sardinia under fake names. Mr. and Mrs. Sterling as marine biologist and wife. Marine biologist and wife. Immediately get an invitation to meet with Stromberg. And he sends his absolute smoke show henchwoman Naomi it's so happy to see another trans woman who doesn't do voice therapy

Naomi I mean Naomi fucking owns right but she's husky is not the word this woman eats cigarettes rather than fucking smoking them She pulls up and is like Mr. Bond Yeah

So good She does the Matt Berry voice It's so fucking funny because She's genuinely like Hello there Very attractive But like yeah no She's like in a bikini Very attractive, but like, yeah, no, just like,

she's like in a bikini, but the voice is like this. Mission failed, we'll get him next time. Alright, sunshine. Well, fuck, I don't know his bond anyway. My boss Karl Stromberg wants to see you. Vaguely. For like four to

five minutes. So like, she takes them to the sea base and the only thing she tells Bond about Stromberg is don't shake hands with him. He doesn't do handshakes. He doesn't like him. Please do not shake hands.

He has a hand thing and I'm going to flag this up again later but there's a hand thing. Bear that in mind, listener. And Bond of course immediately forgets this but there's a hand thing. Bear that in mind, listener. And Bond, of course, immediately forgets this. World's greatest secret agent. World's greatest. Tries to shake hands with him anyway.

And, I mean, at this point, Bond's cover is fucking blown. He's looking out at the fish windows and Stromberg points out a weird fish and he's like, I expect you recognize that one, because you're pretending to be a marine biologist, aren't you, cunt? And Bond goes kind of silent for a minute, and then he correctly recalls the Linnaean

name of this fish. And Stromberg is like, well, now that you've won this trivial pursuit round, I suppose I shan't have you executed immediately. And it's just like... Just to be clear, it's a lionfish. Any zoo you've ever seen in your life will have carried this beast. This scene is pointless.

It doesn't really add anything. It's there because they did a draft of the script and then somebody realized, oh, Bond has not actually met the villain of this film until the end. So this scene is there just so that they can meet, but it serves nothing. There's no reason for this scene to be there.

He hands over no information at all. Good meeting with you, fuck off. I see that you're a marine biologist also, and Bond's like, yes, and then they're like, fantastic. He does show him a model of an underwater city.

He's going to make underwater Black Hammer City. He's like, fantastically not evil looking base you've got here, my friend. It's fantastic. Very good, I would say. Is that a fireplace? I don't know how you manage that. What is this guy's necklace? Is it a cock?

Because I've been thinking it's a cock this entire time. I think so. I think it's a penis. There's no close-up on it ever, but it's very penis-shaped. I'm pretty sure it's a penis. Yeah. So, like, Stromberg makes another classic

villain move where he's like, right, I know these guys are spies. Let them get ashore and then kill them. He does the classic thing where he's like, fantastic, Mr. Bund, it's been lovely. And then he leaves and he immediately picks up a phone and is like, kill them.

Yes, but not now. Wait until it's much more difficult and then kill them. Kill them later. I'm a chronic procrastinator at some point you're going to have to kill this guy whenever you feel like it I don't tell you how to do your job

yeah so Bond is driving the white lotus esprit around Sardinia and then various of goons try and kill him let's flag up the Lotus Esprit. Because there's the scene where Q drops this off.

And it's very nice. And it's great. And it's fantastic. But there is a guy in the background. There's so many background guys in this movie. The most 70s looking ass motherfucker you can imagine. There is a guy in the background. You think the 1970s was just a thing

that existed in cultural products like this no no because these were like not extras these are people wearing their own clothes who were just dressing like this yeah imagine if you have seen um the man from hong kong on my recommendation and if you haven't go and watch it and then come back pause this now but there's a guy there who has in the background, he's just shirtless. He has these flare cut jeans and he has the biggest hair and just like a huge mustache. And he's just he's just there like he's not doing anything important. He's just a background guy. And it's like such a perfect distillation of the 70s.

There are so many guys like this. There's like a sailor in a really fucked tall hat driving Naomi there, the hotel receptionist is like 90% rough yeah, incredible incredible time in our nation's

history. Yeah, what the fuck is she wearing? the rough thing, I don't know what that is she's got a terrible neckline on that I don't know what's going on it's got a terrible neckline on that. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I know. It's got about four or five terrible necklines on it. So they try and kill Bond by shooting a motorcycle

sidecar at him, and that doesn't work. They try and kill Bond by driving after him and having Jaws shoot out of the window, and that doesn't work. There's a lovely character moment in that bit where Jaws is shooting out of the window, where he's shooting out, he empties his gun completely,

and he goes back into reload, and the guy in the seat behind him leans out to try his shot at it, and Jaws just takes the gun straight off him and does it again himself. Absolute Chad stuff. Bond presses the nut on the windshield button, which is something that he has. It's not even like an oil slick anymore. He just presses a button

and a thing of grey-white goo just comes out in one pump and coats the entire fucking windshield of his car. I've got a cum shot in the back of his car. I admit it's a little kinky.

So the car goes off the road. It lands perfectly vertically in a Sardinian dude's house. And that Sardinian dude then just fully goes, Mamma mia, che è successo! Oddio, tutto distrutto! Meanwhile, Jules just leaves the house, dusts himself off again, as ever. Jules rules.

Jules rules. There's an amazing helicopter chase. Yeah, because Naomi is flying. Yeah, Naomi is flying a helicopter. It's so good. Invented cinematography. Bond goes past, and the fucking helicopter, like, comes out just, like, vertically from behind the road.

She, like like flies alongside and she gives him a wink and Bond kind of like raises an eyebrow. And well, I mean I don't know, I've always had a thing for like female aviators and I was a pussy galore so. A man comes.

A man comes. I think what I'd like to do at this point is to recommend Naomi for the Cronstein Rosette. I don't disagree at all. Who is Bond compared with Naomi? She flies her own helicopter, she nearly kills Bond, she fucking rules, I love her a lot. Yeah, incredible. Fair enough. Bond drives the Lotus Esprit off the end of a pier

and you know what this scene is everyone remembers from this movie it's the fucking submarine car um let's just flag up this car is called the Wet Nelly fuck off no it's not

no it is it definitely is no it's not on set they called it the Wet Nelly named after the little Nelly No, it's not. No, it is. It definitely is. You can look that up. No, it's not. On set, they called it the Wet Nelly. Named after the little Nelly from You Only Live Twice. Bond fires a missile upwards and kills Naomi. I still think we were robbed of a scene of her dusting herself off from the helicopter wreck.

And then, because it's not enough to just have the submarine thing, we then have a submarine chase with the car, which is cool. We're redoing bits from Thunderball. Guys in scuba suits in special submarines

trying to kill you. Although it is funny how much underwater photography has, like, evolved in, what, like, ten years, give or take? Yeah, it's very impressive. Between these two movies, it already looks, like, totally different. There's a nice cute bit where XXX uses some of the gadgets in the Lotus, and Bond says, How did you know that was there? And she says, I saw the blueprints for this car two years ago yeah mr and mrs smith stuff i love this shit yeah 100 so so bond and amasawa uh embark on an american submarine to try and locate what they believe is the cause of this uh the like submarine disappearances which is a stromberg although first there's a scene back at the hotel where she discovers that it was born to kill her boyfriend and she says when this mission is over i will kill you and we get a genuinely

quite human moment where yeah uh because she says um she says oh was it was it you who killed him and he basically is like he does like for me it was tuesday he's like you know this guy somebody was like skiing after me and like i wasn't looking him in the face like i just i killed the guy like it happens like it's our job and and he's like quite frustrated and almost not really remorseful but like it's the first time anyone's really challenged him on having killed someone and she says when this mission is over i will kill you and he seems like quite upset that there's this rift between them roger moore gets to do some acting and like because he can act he just mostly doesn't have to it's weird when you get these like gear shifts from like, I'm doing sexy voice into like, you know, yeah, I fucking killed the guy, but that's like most of what we do for work.

And it's like, I don't know, it's interesting. But yeah, they work out that they suspect this gigantic tanker that Stromberg runs called the Lipperis. I keep wanting to call it Pindos, but that's Milo's comedy show. It has been maybe just eating the submarines. It's just

been doing the you only live twice thing, but instead of spaceships, it's submarines. It's really impressive actually. So they look behind and it's opening up and they go, my God, which is exactly the same as what happened in the pre-credit sequence. And you go, ah, ah. Unfortunately, this thing has exactly three submarine bays in it,

which is great. Bond and DeMassiva embark on this American submarine. I want to also flag up Bond's fucking naval turtleneck getup. Again, they've decanted him. Because I really appreciated it. Yeah, but like, not an actual navy uniform, because he has supplied his own tactical turtleneck. I mean, it's a fucking look. I appreciate it a lot. And this American submarine... They get vored's a fucking look. I appreciate it a lot. And this American submarine...

They get vored by a tanker. Yeah, immediately gets vored, vored You Only Live Twice style, by the Pindos, the tanker. And we see the other two submarines, the British one and the Soviet one, also been captured. Yeah, the Pindos. It has a different name the it has a different name but i choose to call it the pindos that's a fair thing to call it i mean also i'm gonna like the the american submarine that they're on is called like the uss fountains of wayne

there's not a lot of good ship naming in this yeah also one other thing i want to know is when they're the submarine that they're surfaces, it shows like a miniature work. And the miniature hits like a fully 45 degree angle ass upward. If you watch that shot and it's like, Jesus Christ, are they all right? No. So we get the big Ken Adams set, right, which is the inside of this tanker that has three submarines and a giant submarine pen fucking baby let me tell you this is the ken adams set capital k capital s capital a again that was definitely a ken adams set baby listen they gave ken adams 1 million pounds out of the £13 million budget, and they were like, build a fucking set.

And he constructed the single largest, at that time, the world's largest soundstage to house this set. And it fucking goes. It is an incredible set. They had to get Stanley Kubrick to direct a bit of this. Filling in. He did. Should have got him to do the whole movie but because the director's

eyesight was too bad, he couldn't see the terminating vista of this soundstage. So they had to get Kubrick to do it. Yeah, they brought Kubrick in under he had to swear secrecy to do a little bit of a lighting. And also Kubrick's daughter is the one who designed Jaws' grill.

Oh, interesting. Anyway, the Deep State had Stanley Kubrick assassinated because of Eyes Wide Shut. No, it's because he filmed the moon landing. On this soundstage, actually. It's how he knew where. I didn't even know he was dead. Well, can he ever die, truly?

So, Stromberg's plan here is to have a lot of guys in orange jumpsuits with fantastic, like, sterling submachine guns. The one where the magazine comes out to the side, so you have to, like, stand holding it. Just, like, stand menacingly while he threatens the crew out of the submarine. Yeah.

Cause he's going to put his own, his plan is he's going to put his own dudes onto the nuclear submarines and he is going to destroy New York and Moscow in order to trigger a nuclear war to bring about the end of the world so that everyone will then live underwater. I intend to change the face of history. By destroying the world? By creating a world.

A new and beautiful world beneath the sea. This guy loves the sea. The question is, okay, I believe that this guy Okay like he's Fucking insane right that's his plan But how has he convinced so many people To go along with this Cause he's got a lot of people working for him

And I'm like your plan doesn't make Any fucking sense dog Well they all imagine they'll be safe A lot of people who know how to operate submarines What are you going to eat? He's got two full submarines. And incidentally, what does he need the third submarine for? You're just being greedy at that point.

The best line is when Bond's like, all right, all right, Stromberg, you've made your point. What kind of money are you looking for? And Carl's just like, no, you don't get it. I'm doing this. I haven't even fucking told anyone this is happening. It's a complete chance that you are here.

I'm doing this. And he's like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Well. Oh, shit! Yeah. Fuck! And Massiver gets captured immediately because they go, ah, a woman! And they capture her.

And then we get like... The guy jokingly knocks her hat off as she's coming off, because she's trying to pretend to be a guy, and I guess it's just, the guard is just having a good time, and he just like, walks her hat off. And it reveals her beautiful

flowing locks, and she just fucking fully knocks him out in one punch and I was like yeah girls rock girls rock we now get like 10 to 20 minutes of battle because Bond Bond escapes

Bond frees the submarine crews just like in You Only Live Twice but with more dudes again it's You Only Live Twice refracted it's You Only Thunderball Twice from love with love You Only Thunderball Twice from love

so yeah they try to break into the once again impregnable control room from You Only Live twice he escapes with a mass of her because he's on a monorail that turns into a boat yeah not entirely clear other i mean other than the yeah a monorail that just leads directly outside of the ship apart from

naomi and the secretary both of whom are dead, Triple X is now the only woman that seems to be involved in his plan. So if you're involved in repopulating the world, I mean, you're going to need her, but I feel like you're going to need more than her. You could perhaps have some sort of underground nuclear base at the bottom of the deepest salt mines

where there would be ten women to every man that sounds great, when are we going to that? so Bond eventually impregnates the impregnable control room the whole point of the doomsday device so why didn't you tell the world?

carry on I'm appreciating it it's a great movie So why didn't you tell the world? Um, carry on. I recently watched Doctor Who's Love, and I love it. It's a great movie. Okay, anyway. Yeah, Bond escapes on the American submarine, which, like, torpedoes the ship from the inside and sails out. Hold up. Yes.

Bond cannot get into the impregnable control room. So what does his solve? He goes, oh, there's a nuke leftover. Yeah, I'm gonna use the detonator from a nuclear missile to get into the impregnable control room. Takes the conventional explosives part of the nuke and... Conventionable? Conventionable. It's where you can take the hatch down.

Yeah, the convention on certain conventionable weapons. I'm not gonna get any more coherent. No, we've got another one of these episodes to go to, we're recording these back to back. So anyway... They're coming out out of order as well. Yeah, so Bond has to extract this detonator, and he's just like, if I touch it to this outer ring, all of us will die. But he does it. He completes the world's most powerful game of operation.

He gets the subs to explode each other. Sorry, that got me. My favorite bit, incidentally, is the captain of the Royal Navy submarine is killed, right? He's killed by a grenade. And Bond is trying to impregnate the impregnable bit. And he collars the nearest Royal Navy officer. I think you will find it's most impregnable. Who is like a lieutenant.

And he's like, I need to get up there. And so this lieutenant lieutenant who looks about 17 goes right sir leave it with me you you you and you follow me runs up the stairs immediately gets machine gunned to death oh just completely aced I don't think there's even a cut

I think it's in the same shot it just follows him up there and is like well thank you for coming well done Bond you for coming. Well done, Bond. You killed a child. I can't. Bond. So, like, the American submarine

gets orders that they have to blow up the base that Stromberg has escaped to, the underwater chimney base, to which Bond replies, but Anya's on there. I have to get her off. How? escape to, the underwater chimney base. To which Bond replies, but Anya's on there. I have to get her off. How?

And yeah, sure, fine. I sighed when I was doing the drop for it. I have to get her off. And the way that he does this is assembling a fucking nonce jet ski,

which he rides out there. There's no, like, security or anything. I guess there doesn't need to be, because the security that he has is short. Yeah, Stromberg lets him on. Yeah, Stromberg lets him on. Stromberg, like, kind of, like, taunts him a little bit, even though his plan has now, by this point, failed. Also, Stromberg is, like, at his dinner table.

He tries to drop him in a shark tank. Yeah, tries to drop him in a shark tank, unsuccessfully. Tries to shoot him down the length of his table with a crossbow that goes underneath the table, with, like, a big tube. I'm not sure why he needs that. But Bond sort of like places his gun into the tube and shoots Stromberg dead

what is funny to me is that once again we have recurring sponsorship with Tabasco and so what Stromberg is eating what Stromberg is eating in his like palace of fine arts looking-ass

dining room, and which he collapses face-first into, is a silver platter of lettuce leaves and a bottle of Tabasco. The meal of fucking champions. I'm gonna... Presumably there were oysters on one side.

I'm gonna be thinking about the idea of just a plate of lettuce leaves with a bottle of Tabasco for the rest of my fucking life. That's the kind of shit that you eat when you're about to repopulate the world. That's the fucking, that's the virility serum, baby. He's saying goodbye to what he thought would be the last bottle of Tabasco he would ever eat because there aren't going to be any fucking more under the sea. That's elegiac. I laughed so

fucking hard when I saw that he had a massive tubed gun underneath his table. He just goes like, take us... Okay, sorry, let's go. He goes, Bond, don't worry, I've sent an elevator for you. And the elevator opens up and Bond

gets in and I was like like don't do what this guy Says to do And he like and Carl's just like Easy and then like the doors open And it's revealed that Bond has just stood With his legs completely apart In order to not fall down the shark tube Which A how the fuck does he know

That that's there but B How the fuck is that an oversight That you could have same reason he brought a parachute on a skiing trip and then he walks in and he's like about to shoot stromberg like no negotiation nothing to do here this guy is just gonna kill him and stromberg's like take a seat and he just sits down and i'm like stop doing what this guy says. What the fuck is wrong with you? And he sits down and then they've got that massive great gun stretching the entire end of the table,

which you might think that shoots bullets. No, you're stupid. You're wrong. You don't understand James Bond. It shoots a micro rocket that explodes the fuck out of that chair. And then Bond just shoots him four to five times, and it's like, thanks for coming, everyone. My notes here simply

say, stop fucking calling him Mr. Bund. To be fair, he does deliver the line, I've been expecting you, which there it is. It's not Blofeld, it's actually this guy. Who in everyone's memory has turned into Blofeld. Discount Blofeld!

So Jaws is not getting paid. The thing is about to be blown the fuck up, but like, Jaws... Jaws lusts in his heart for revenge, and also can teleport. So, Jaws is able to fight Bond, appear behind Bond using his Dishonored-style blink power. And he and Bond fight. Bond captures him by applying a large electromagnet to his teeth. Not entirely clear why that is there. Yeah, it's never used in a previous scene. It is just also there.

Bond presses a big button and it says magnet. The thing is, Jaws can teleport. Bond has a final technique, and that final technique is called Exploit Opponent's Disability Jutsu. And he will always pull that shit out when shit starts to hit the fan he's like oh I see that you're an invalid

it's him, Teehee there's so many of these dudes he's done this too it's Roger Moore's finishing move 100% of the time exploit disability he picks Jaws up by his teeth drops him into the shark tank um and escapes with anya in a little like escape capsule

with like a bed in it which is all like luxury there's a bottle of champagne and stuff what's funny is uh we also get a shot of jaws biting the shark to death yeah a lesser villain a lesser a single movie bites the shark would have died in that moment expression on the shark's face at this point i can only characterize as wait what i'm oh no oh fuck oh shit the sharks just felt like ah fuck. Oh shit. The sharks just went like Ah, the tables have been turned! The sharks just went like, oh fuck, this is what I've been doing to people?

Oh, this sucks! I'm so sorry. Jaws teaches a shark a valuable lesson about hubris. In the original, Jaws died. In the original draft of the script, Jaws died in the original draft of the script Jaws died but test audiences did not like that so they went back and re-shot

the bit where Jaws wins the fight and then swims away from the Doom Fortress which is cute because he's such an enigmatic and interesting character he couldn't be just a one time guy so they're in the escape capsule and picking up from the thread

earlier, she's like, she pulls a gun on Bond and she's like, the mission is over, now I must kill you for killing my boyfriend. This is quite a clever bit of drama. Bond, yeah, but then they immediately circumvent it because Bond gets around this by deploying the sex voice

he's like you wouldn't shoot me I'm about to bust a nut in you he's just like you wouldn't shoot me you wouldn't shoot a man who's about to do big cums putting his index fingers together again he's being like you wouldn't shoot it's my birthday

come on I'm just a little guy i'm just a little guy i'm just a little fella come on now you wouldn't shoot a little guy he finds a bottle of champagne and he's he's burbling away as he's opening the champagne and she pulls the gun on him um and he's like halfway through opening the champagne when he notices that she's got the pistol and she's like i'm gonna i'm gonna kill you now now and this kind of was quite a tense moment and then independently of either of them the champagne

the pressure just kind of goes and the champagne cock the champagne cock you fucking idiot you've done it three day group chat the champagne cock

champagne cock god damn it god damn it you should choose a man with a champagne cock champagne oh that's easy God damn it You would shoot a man with a champagne Champagne That's easy Fucking easy to pick or promote for this one baby

You would shoot a man with a champagne Smoking on that shit Killed James Bond But the champagne cork It's called the champagne cork Independently of either of them and it relieves the tension of the scene and they both kind of laugh and it is quite like a nice bit of dry it's like a well written scene but the tension is dispelled by this and they both kind of laugh and then they

shag the escape capsule is brought aboard uh and british a royal navy ship and then both Gogo and M are there and so they sort of wash them up and they look through the big window to see them fucking and they're both kind of like fatherly disappointment is quite nice

it's very fun because she's like what will we do if they find out and one's like they weren't they're not going to find out and then like it cuts to all of them just being like damn are they fucking in there 007 god 007 having sex i would never have expected this of you 007 what are you doing there and and like the funny obvious line is like, Détente, sir. But instead he says, Keeping the British end up, sir.

That's a dick joke. That's a joke about his penis. That's a penis joke. My penis is wrecked. What's détente? A process of closer relations and thawing between the Soviet Union and the West, popular in the 1970s.

Anyway. That would have been such a better line. That would have been also, I wouldn't have understood it. Yeah, hire me to write the next Bond movie. Fuck a Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Yeah. Anyway, that's the movie. The next one, it says, is for your eyes only,

and it's fucking lying. It's Moonraker. Join me, Mr. Bond, in the orbital platform. In the moon zone. Join me, Mr. Bond in the orbital platform join me Mr. Bond on the moon because Star Wars was very popular and they were like hey baby why don't we put James Bond in space

in space what did we think of The Spy Who Loved Me I genuinely had the best time I've had watching one of these movies and I worry about that I worry that I'm going soft The spy who loved me? I genuinely had the best time I've had watching one of these movies, yes. Yes, I... Completely.

And I worry about that, I worry that I'm going soft, because like... No, don't worry. The point of this podcast is that I fucking hate these movies! It's just the estrogen. But like... She's very soft, ladies and gentlemen. Nah, the... You wouldn't shoot a woman who's going soft.

You wouldn't shoot a man of a champagne cock, would you? No, you wouldn't shoot a woman with a with a baby boy penis it's called estradiol i don't know the fact the fact that it's the 1970s so much in this movie really disarms a lot of it yeah I think the thing is I don't like James Bond but I fucking love the 70s and I think that's what's coming through I think everyone is having

a fun time like all of the characters fucking Jaws Bond, Anya, Carl, Gogol they're all having such a good time in all of their scenes that it's hard to not enjoy it as well that being said i appreciate that this film is technically better than a lot of the previous ones like the editing is better the writing is better we get to see roger moodle do some acting

like it's like just a better made piece of film um so it is more enjoyable for that reason um but we do have a more science-based system yeah because the thing is like a well-made movie isn't the same as a good movie like when i see the shadows on a cave wall i understand that that's not real like i'm not gonna shadow not not to fucking flex or anything but i've been looking at these shadows for a while and i've got some suspicions but like a good movie can't pay sorry a a good cinematography a good score a good like shot composition it can't paper over a terrible plot yeah well this is the thing like good writing will get you through bad technical ability but good technical ability won't get you through bad technical ability, but good technical ability won't get you through bad writing.

Absolutely. And that comes to the T in all of the fucking later Bond movies. And we're seeing already the seeds of Bond has run out of ideas because it's now robbing earlier Bond movies for ideas. And this will only get worse. You're a Bond-boros. Yes. The Bond devouring his own tale I'm ready to just like I just want the audience to be ready for how

angry I'm going to be during the spectre biggest explosion ever this might be the high watermark for the more years I genuinely love this movie I've been trained to expect bad movies This might be the high watermark for the more years. I genuinely loved this movie. I didn't love it, but I've been trained to expect bad movies,

and this was pretty good, all things considered. I had a good time. We have a scientific race on this podcast. It's known as the SCUMM system for smum, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny. So, where would we place... Almost lost the damn thing. You wouldn't hit a little birthday boy, would you? Come now. Where would we place the smarmed love me?

I'm smarmed. It's Roger Moore. I think smarm's gotta be pretty high. Yeah. It's Roger Moore. I think Smarm's gotta be pretty high. Yeah. It's Roger Moore. The woman drivers on its own has the same amount of Smarm condensed into it as any other

like Bond movie. I agree. It's a high Smarm. It's a high Smarm. I'm gonna say like a 6 or a 7. But at the same time, he's also quite sincere at several points. That's true. He has moments of vulnerability. Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe you're moving me down to like a 5 or a 6 here. What do we think? I was going to suggest a 4. What do you think, Dev? I would go for a 5. I don't think you could get me lower than a 5, honestly. Okay, we'll call that a 5. I don't think you could get me lower than a five, honestly. Okay, okay. We'll call that a five. Now, cultural insensitivity.

Well, they have the guy. The two-hit combo of oil and sheep size, but the really unforgivable cultural insensitivity here, I think. Mamma mia, I got success! Fuck you, I was going to make that joke. Anti-Italian discrimination. A hundred fucking points. I think the fact that this is the single most mistreated minority group

in history is the Italian man and to make fun of him is unacceptable to me I think that 7 is too low I think that we need to look I think it's actually not that bad honestly compared to some of the earlier movies

it's like a 2 or a 3 the Egypt stuff is like an OSS Sunday set level again they did have an Egyptian guy from the government on the set being like no not there imagine the stuff he fucking took out Jesus Christ

I'm willing to go to like a 3 or a 4 I'll hit a 3 3 points of cultural insensitivity because there's nothing that really stood out to me as like an absolute cultural, oh fuck, moment. Obviously apart from that, yeah.

Unprovoked violence, justice for Shandor. Justice for fucking Shandor and also, I mean, I know it's provoked violence, but I still don't forgive him for killing Naomi. I also don't forgive him for killing Naomi. I also don't forgive him for swinging that woman in the way of Shandor's bullet. Right?

Yeah! I think that's pretty fucking unprovoked. Pretty unprovoked violence. He could have ducked, dude. Yeah. Come on, man. I don't know. I think the Shandor thing is so deliberate

that it's got to bump it up the rankings. Yeah, because it's like a real moment of just like, well, you're dead now. Goodbye. Well, time to murder you. I'm willing to say... You're entirely at my mercy. Time to kill you.

Yeah. It's not good. Say like a five or a six. Five or a six. However you slice that. It's not an ideal use of your day. No. I five or a six. However you slice that, it's not an ideal use of your day. I'd say a six. Go six.

It's going to get higher in the fucking Pierce Brosnan years, where they have just like a body count in the thousands. Yeah. Now, misogyny. Misogyny. Misogyny. Well, I mean. Well, I listen to women, so I'm going to let you two talk about misogyny

women drivers just play any other tune receive my limp penis it's like come on now you wouldn't do it boy come now enjoy a succulent Chinese meal

and also the terrified lady in the tent I feel like it's got some nasty moments that take me out of it at the same time XXX is given a lot more agency than women in previous films and I feel like it's got to get some points for that point of a doomsday device is to

tell the world so why didn't you tell the world I feel like this is also going to be on like the average to high end of like a four or five you know yeah I mean we've gone from Bond raping a Bond

girl to now he just like makes fun of her driving so we've got improvement that's true a little bit at a time baby we can get there we can have a decent Bond girl maybe I would go for like a four it's not like we haven't got anybody like really offensive like good night it's just like bimbo like uh yes there are definitely women characters in this who are like disposable

yeah i'd go four or five what do you think dev oh i listen to women so whatever you think let's say four or five yeah four or five works for me 100 so okay this being the case that gives us a total of 6 10 15 18 which is pretty pretty good that makes it the, so Dr. No was a 17, so we're worse than that. I mean, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is still well in the lead on eight, but we're currently with the bronze medal, Spy Who Loved Me at 18. Pretty, pretty darn good. You know who I really missed in this movie? You know who I really wish was in this movie? Jeff J.W. Pepper, Louisiana

State Police. I'm going to come to your house and shoot you with a real gun. We have two more awards to give out for this movie. The Kronstein Rosette, I believe we have some nominations. Naomi. I'm going to stop you there. Would you say that you

are horny instead of actually thinking about underappreciating? Okay, fair enough. Naomi. Okay, now I'm going to stop you there. Would you say that you are horny instead of actually thinking about underappreciated? Okay, fair enough. Naomi done. Yeah, it's both. It's both. All right, fine, fine, Naomi. I both want her to kill me with a helicopter, but also I think she is an underappreciated henchwoman. Fine.

I would have gone Shandor, but I'm clearly outvoted. Because, like, Stromberg is like, go kill these two. And she's like, alright boss, I'll take the helicopter. You have no need to do that. She has fun with it. The other thing is, getting in any of Karl Stromberg's helicopters is a fucking risk. But boss, do you mind not detonating the explosive charge you apparently have in all of these? Fine, very well.

Then we will go on to our second possible award, which is the Goodnight Cross for underappreciated side characters who are not explicitly villainous. I think General Gogol has his moments. He's quite charming, he's quite urbane. I like anyone who talks about Anglo-Soviet cooperation. And I think he provides an interesting foil to M,

and it's like an interesting piece of ideology to suggest that MI6 and the KGB are like rival competing companies that are basically the same I wouldn't disagree, I would also put forward

Commander Carter just entirely based on how good he is as soon as he realises there's a woman that's the that's the guy who's like I need to get her off how uh that that guy that guy i kind of i kind of feel like that young ass lieutenant who

immediately gets killed deserves some kind of medal i definitely that guy i don't even know what his name was but i think post-humumous... Yeah, posthumous fucking goodnight cross to that guy. Yeah. R.I.P. Peace to a true king. Rest in power, my man. That's right. Smoking one up for my boy dead navy officer.

And we will be smoking it up on the moon! Shit. Champagne cock. smoking it up on the moon champagne cock champagne cock 007 champagne cocks and mids on the moon next time ladies the next bonus episode from when you hear this

will be I believe this is our 10th free episode, so our 10th bonus has to be a second Q&A. Yeah, A those Qs. Or Q those As. We will A your Qs. Oh yeah, we'll be Qing them. You can A them. We will be A-ing your

Qs beneath the sea. There will be a thing up on the Patreon. And if you're not subscribed to the Patreon, I don't know what to tell you, pal. Subscribe to it. Like, I'm not going to post one that isn't on there. All right.

Goodbye, Mr. Bond. Haha. Wow. What an exciting and fun episode of the Kill James Bond podcast. I am recording this several weeks after that episode, and I'm gonna be honest, I don't really remember anything that we said or what happened. But you can catch the next episode in two weeks time, and that will be Moonrigger, a movie that I have

already watched and find to be completely insane. So get excited for that. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, we have a Patreon where we upload bonus episodes on those interstitial weeks. The next one will be the next Q&A, which I'm very excited for you all to hear. But speaking of patrons, we will be nothing, of course, without our beautiful £15 and above patrons, and those are Paint McCalla, George Rohack, Bobby Lagerstrom, Nicky, Jack Bushel, Larry Kins, Amanda Comet, Timothy Paggioni, Tripp, Mothman, himself, Jay Martindale, Alfredo, Raoul Leal, Zoe Shepherd, Jonas Schwamberger,

Joshua Simmons, Robbie Morgan, James Natman, Aaron Beyer, and David Wickmurrenta. So, yeah, okay. This is Kill James Bond, starring Alice, Abigail, and Devon. Our producer, as always, is Nate Bethea. Our podcast art is by Matty Lubchansky, and our website is by the wonderful Tom Allen. Thank you for listening. Shit!