Upstream - Episode 13: Octopussy

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

No joke I could make here about the name 'Octopussy' is any funnier than their actual canonical explanation for it. They're running low on former crown colonies to innoculate with International Nonce of Mystery James Bond, so finally they have blighted the doorstep of India. Bond and some other boring white guy fight on the subcontinent and everybody else has to deal with it. Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/posts/53137109 *SHIRT ALERT* We are accepting pre-orders for a new shirt design until the end of the day on August 15th, 2021 -- get it here! https://www.killjamesbond.com/store/p/kjb-presents-the-lazenby *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

So what happened to me was I bought a bottle of Genro Plum from a Korean sort of a takeout place I thought it was just a soft drink and I drank it on my way home And I've just noticed in a very fine print on the side of it that it's 13% alcohol by volume I'm completely fucking toasted already And it's also the hottest day it's been, I think, or year. Yes. I'm coming to die. Yes, I refuse to put the camera on to record this

because I don't want to have to put it on a shirt. I am deranged from the worst toothache I've had in, like, a year. I am fasting today because it is our first. I cannot take I be profan. I cannot eat anything until 9.47 pm. And we are recording this at 8pm on the dock. And then, so Abigail, your wine has turned to vinegar. Yeah, my wine has gone off, but at least I have more wine.

Welcome to Kill's Bond. My father became a leading authority on Octopi. He loved his pet name for me for me was Octopussy. First of all, I demand right over by, what the fuck? What? To be fair, it is not the weirdest, farther daughter relationship we've had in one of these films. That still goes to the crime guy from the Laisenby movie. You can use it as part of a drama. It's quite dorset, yeah, that's right. It's so bad when one of you starts laughing during the theme song, because it sets me

off as well. I was trying to hold it, man, but that's such a fucking good line. That comes down to nowhere as well. I was trying to hold it man, but that's such a fucking good line. That comes out in nowhere as well. That's like she's been referred to as Octopussy several times throughout the movie. And she's like, yes, I got dropped me it all of the time. What? We welcome to welcome to kill James Bond. It's me, Alice Godwokelli, joining me, Abigail Thorne and Devon, we watched The Name of this movie is Octopussy. I am nudging my date when Octopussy comes on the screen and saying, that's Octopussy.

It's the, this, a woman. A woman. Do you, do you to the cast that has been placed upon my family? A woman. Rather than spending the train journey home from my wonderful vacation with my absolutely gorgeous girlfriend, watching the beautiful rolling hills

and gentle streams of a spotless, west country landscape, the most beautiful pie in the English Isles. Arguably the most gorgeous day has been in some time. I was forced instead to watch the cursed movie Octopussy. And I have some thoughts, so let's go. Let's fucking go.

Meaning, eight-sided pussy. Yeah, yeah. Getting that Octopussy. Seven for Johnny. Getting that surgery to get the Octopussy. Yeah. It's just when Neil Cicerega, Ariel, needs legs, but I'm gonna. I'm going to...

Seven for Johnny. I'm going to start the recap of the film. Yeah. All right. And if the waiting list for a pussy is 26 years, which in this country it is, or this in a bit that I've been referring to, then the waiting list for an octopussy is 208 years, listeners. Okay, first of all, you had a Cuba, you had a Fidel Castro, to fit a bit in the news lately, on account of how like literally dozens of people have been protesting.

Again, yes, get the Communist rule in Cuba. Let's take this moment to just stay, kill chase bonds, unrelenting support of the Cuban people's revolution. Yes, absolutely. We stand with... With like Fidel and Role and their memory and like the people of Cuba against various people who are on Twitter and named like, LED Fond Shacht and who are like, yeah, no, actually I think it was very bad because they talk my father's slaves away from me and also, if he does castor, he's doing an ableism. Yeah, so yeah, we stand against the forces reaction and tick tock people like this. Castor, dig writers are going around right now, gaslighting Cuban.

You stand against the phone for the Castro dictators who are going around gaslighting Cuban. That's right, that's right. Do you know if you gaslight even one Cuban, we're done with you. Yeah. But we're in Cuba.

Well, technically this is like not Cuba, but there's like, we're in South America, Central America, or the Caribbean, and everybody's like, there's a lot of military guys wearing green fatigues, and one of them has a beard and a cigar, and they're sort of like, yeah, we're in technically not Cuba. But if you have legal purposes, we are not in Cuba. Yes, now James Bond rocks up to Cuba in a, a, a rain trove. It's a flock app. You know, we don't talk about the fit, but first he's driving like respond, rocks up to Cuba in a rain trover.

I don't know, we don't talk about the fit, but first he's driving like a bronze rain trover with a horse box being towed behind it. And he's wearing at this point a tweed, a tweed suit, a tweed flat cap and a tactical, detachable, lemon turtle neck. Incredible. Yeah. Yeah. The first thing we see. Man, it looks so inquisitive. Yeah, the first thing we see James Bond do in this movie is take off his detachable turtle neck. And which is just like a bib because it's a disguise. It's like a reverse. It's a jacket dressed as a Cuban general. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He meets his contact from, I guess, Station Cuba, who is a station C Cuba? Yeah, as opposed to Station C China, Station C Canada, whatever. Station Cuba for Cuba. Yes. We flagged it up two movies ago, but I cannot stress enough.

My man looking at all this fun. My man looking real old. Yeah, yeah. The Adriada Curran they gave him for last time was obviously worn off and he's not looking good. Yeah. So she, she like helps him into his disguise and she gives him his ID pass, which is a not Cuban general

called Miguel's Choro. And she applies a fake mustache to him. Because you couldn't just say. Looks good on us. Have it made, have the ID card that you made, not have him be wearing a mustache. Well, no, because the real general Torah has a mustache. Okay. Still though, the vibe is very much like, listen, devil, so everyone you know about

Hispanic people. So Bond, Bond as, as he does some hitman shit. He dresses up as a not Cuban officer, breaks into an airplane hangar, has a fun bit where he returns a guard salute and then transitions seamlessly from salute to karate shop to the back of the bag. Yeah, very funny. Love that bit.

Yeah, that was good. That's the kind of like special attack, special quick time event when you got close to an enemy. Roger Moore, Roger Moore's salute like he is bringing up the like slapper weapon in Golden I-64, which is great. LAUGHTER Classic.

Also, at this point, I wrote down that's the same fucking hanger from Goldfinger, which it is. It's also the same racetrack. Yeah, yeah. They have a little like fighter jet with the nose cone off, where there's a radar in there. Bond applies like an explosive charge to it. Because the knot Cubans are developing a weapon, it doesn't really matter what it's just

the only one I'd say. They don't even say. They're not Cubans, they're doing something nefarious. You know, they're dig right in cash during their gaslighting Cubans is what they're doing. That's exactly right. They're about to install the new gaslight gate cube go boss right now. Yeah, so Bond, Bond, plan to bomb bomb, but then is immediately captured by the real general, Toro, who is quite a good double.

Actually, I assume that must have just been Roger most thunderbolt because he looks at Roger more, but in much better shape and younger. Yeah. He immediately gets captured. They put him on a truck and like take him out of the base. Yeah. But Bond sort of comes to on a truck with two other guys and I wrote 007, you're finally awake. Of course you're trying to cross the border.

You were running into that imperial ambush, same as us. Just like that, Casano. Yeah, so did you enjoy the bit where he sort of points a woman during the ambulance thing in Moonraika? He does that again. Yeah, exactly. She drives up alongside in the Range Rover and he sort of nudges each of his guards in turn.

He should be honing right now over in this direction. She's showing some leg and she does indeed show some leg and when they're distracted, he like, activates both of their, he like pulls the rip cords on the parachutes, they're both wearing. And they are, it's flickerably, ejected from, from the front. Yeah. I mean, I guess like, it would make sense that guys in an airfield might be wearing parachutes, why would you why would your pilots pull double duty as guards, you know? Yeah, great question. Also, these are the most Anglo-looking people I have seen in my life and I live in the United Kingdom, but they're all Cubans. Anyway, so that like he he sends Bianca this, his contact on the head,

detaches the horse box with a fake horse ass. Fake horse ass. Fake horse ass. It's good. Horse ass. A motorized fake horse ass, because you push his button and the fake horse ass rotates upwards out of the way

to reveal a very small jet aircraft, which bond then flies. We think the safety, they launch a missile at him, and in order to dodge this, he has to do the same hangar scene from fucking Livin' Light Die. Independence Day. Independence Day. And possibly also Goldfinger. They're all blending together at this point. They close the hangar doors, but he flies through just in time and so the missile hits the hangar doors and

goes to that. Yeah, a couple of dozen Cubans including Toro, but like saves saves democracy from being gaslit. That's right. He delivers humanitarian aid to Cuba. That's right. This is the longest sort of like vignette start thing we've had so far. It's like five minutes long and it kind of overstays as welcome to be honest. Yeah, it does. It ends. He runs out of fuel and he pulls into a gas station and goes fill her up and I went, mine fine. That was okay. I didn't even get out of no cube. But never mind. We don't know. Don't worry about it. Then we get the opening titles with a song all-time high, which, not great.

Terrible. Kind of half-assed. Yeah, it's a concept of the whole movie. And then it's like, yeah, yeah, it kind of sets the tone for the whole movie, and then it's like kind of half-assed. The silhouette thing is fun this time because it's just bond spinning various women.

It's pretty cool. Yeah, not really sure what that was. He literally just picks up a couple of women and spins them. He's inverted the bond wiggler. They're really stuck on silhouettes. Yeah. That's like a thing that happens in the opening title. They really can't get away from that.

There's a lot more nudity. Like there's nipples in this one. And like, there's a lot of nipples in previous ones too. Sure, but like, this one feels different to me. Maybe it's just that it's like now we're into the 80s, right? And I'm like, this feels both old-fashioned and also quite sorted. Yeah, it does feel a bit soft-easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But of course, you know, we can't just have one in media's race opening. We've got to have two. And so after the opening credits and all-time high, we see the living embodiment of the drill tweet would a clown die for its country? Our clowns pay for the author. Yes. And the answer to the answer, of course, as we all know, is everyone who has ever died for their country is a clown. We get a sort of like opening title location flash up in the corner for screen, which caused me to go, yes, you're stupid. Yes. Which is East Berlin. Man, imagine you not even ready. You're taking a piece of fiction in said in East Berlin, that'd be cool.

So anyway, there's a guy in a clown suit. Like a big like baggy suit, baggy pants, red hair, red nose, full face, big shoes. Big shoes. You've seen clowns before. Yeah, he looks like your sleep paralysis demon. If you're not sure what that looks like, just, you know, try and sleep, you'll see him Mother clowns in congress am I right?

We're loud that's pretty good. So so the clowns in congress are being chased down by a Russian man and we can tell he's Russian because he's got a fucked up haircut and also he's called like Mishka he's got a fucked up haircut and also he's called like Mishka. He's called Mishka. And there's two of them. Yeah, that's the big reveal is, like he chases, he chases this clown through the woods throwing knives at him. And then as a snifer. Yeah, and then as the clown like thinks he's gotten away,

he turns around, there's an identical twin version. Yeah, baby, it's Mishka and Grishka, the identical twin knife throw assassins. Not this clown ever, right? It's a pred Yeah, baby. It's Mishka and Grishka, the identical twin knife throw assassins. Not credited. Fantastic. Not credited by name in this movie. In the credits, they are twin one and twin two. What the fuck? That is true. Did they fight about who is twin one? Maybe it's because they had them switch between Mishka and Grishka. And so maybe, maybe in any case, it was played by real identical twins though maybe in any case, it was played by real identical twins though.

In any case, this clown gets a knife in the back. And he floats downstream from East Berlin to the British ambassadors residents in West Berlin. No, still in East Berlin, because it would be like in the embassy to the German democratic republic, who's struggled towards socialism. We also support our own ex-relations. And he like, well, actually existing socialism, we say, yeah, that's right. So, I haven't looked at what happened to them.

Not going to assume it. And so this clown, like, bursts through the French doors of this embassy. Collapses dead with the knife in his back. And a fabojé egg rolls out of his hand. Honestly, this was cool. This should have been the opening. This was really good. Like fuck, to 009, which is revealed,

it's not bond, it's 009. Being chased at night through the woods is filmed like the sequence where they killed that illiterate woman in Moonraker. Okay, because he never let it down. And he's got like three balloons still attached to him. Instead of the yorks, it's like a Russian man. Crash is through British Ambassador's door, delivers a single Faberierg then dies.

Fucking keynote is what that is. Yeah, absolutely. It's a jack- off if you saw this. Now, of course, we now have to cut to London. Looks like shit, by the way, as ever. Yeah. But money pennies looking even older than Bond is. What, dear?

But, but as they're flirting. I think it works for her. It does. It does look like Maxwell looks good all her life. I will find anyone about this. Yeah. But because she's getting like too old for Bond to flirt with, what they experiment with doing is introducing a newer, younger,

sexier money penny. And her name. What's that newer, younger, sexier money, but he called. And this is Miss Penelope's small girl and my new assistant. Once bit and twice shy baby they were they were certain they weren't going to get fucked over by lowest becoming too old to act again like what happened to Bernadalee. So they're like let's just put in a second smaller money penny. Just in case. Mispunnelope small bone. It's so cold because after years of East Rdial Valorate, hormone replacement therapy, the size of her penis is decreased quite markedly, in fact. Actually, she's a, another small bone was a real woman.

I think she's named after a model who was in one of the earlier, one of the earlier felt. Nothing about England is real. So, yeah, I think it's a real name. But bonds. British are like my low dated, Penelope is more burdensome. It's firmly probable.

So Penelope good dome kind of like, you know, flirts with Bond a little bit, but like, No, that was moon rick. That was Holly Goodhead. Excuse me. Holly. Roger Mua mostly flirts with money penny like original gill for money. And it's kind of, it's kind of sweet. It's kind of sweet. They're like an old married couple. Yeah, they kind of acknowledge that they've both kind of gone a little bit older.

Yeah. Also, they don't have the weird, so something we didn't comment on in, in a few eyes only was that the bond money penny seems kind of had a weird energy that we didn't comment on in Fiora's only was that the Bond Money Penning Scenes kind of had a weird energy that we couldn't explain. And only in retrospect did we realize that it was because that film was made just after Bernad Leigh died. Yeah, why? Why? Who's in this diet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there, there's scenes have a weird energy of like, he's not here, but we have to like pretend that it's fine. Money Penning has a line about M being on leave. And it seems like a bit of of like he's not here, but we have to pretend that it's fine. MoneyPenny has a line about M being on leave. And it seems like a bit of time has now passed and we've kind of like been accustomed to

the fact that M is being played by someone else and like, M is now two guys. So it's still the same two guys from like, from Fiora's only, but like in this case, it's kind of like that one of them is now occupied the role of M. And so we get the traditional scene of, Bond, what do you know about Faber J. X? Well sir, 69 of them. What's the deal with this film?

Don't know, Xem, what's happening in this movie? And he's like, wow, it's let me tell you. Well sir, it's, you know, they made them as, as Easter gifts for the mother and wife of Zarniclis the second and they produced you have a get the chance to go to Russia listeners and see the real Faberjegs I very much recommend that they are beautiful Well, it's never been my house now. No, I don't know It's also very funny about Faberjegs

You can see the decline like by this by the time World War I, they were made called the steel military egg, which is just plain brushed steel. And the feet of it are like little artillery shells. And it looks like shit. And it was because it was all they could afford. So like, hmm. So the Faberjegs just a little bit of that kind. They were manufactured by or under the supervision

of Hito Faberjeg as gifts for the Russian Zars. You put the accent to Niklaus. You know, you put the accent on his name as an affectation. They were, they wasn't called. No, they were for Berges. And he put the accent on the, on the E in order to like sound more French to Russian nobility. The fabo's egg.

Anyway, they're just Julie eggs. They're just Julie eggs. I don't know what's going on. There's a lot of like you hear the word egg a lot in this movie. If something doesn't have a lot to do with eggs, I do have at my command a drop of one of the villains of this movie simply saying, the egg. Because that's all we're going to be talking about, like, there's a lot of eggs in this movie. Basically, all the plot is like, any time it runs out of plot, it just hits you with the egg.

Which fine, okay. So, the egg is a fake, right? But there's the real one too. And the real one is going on sale at Sotheby's. And they're trying to work out who is behind this sort of smuggling thing. Because they think that that person might buy the real egg back at auction. Or might show up to put the bitch to raise the price. Exactly.

So Bond agrees to- I may also know that it's a woman. A woman. A property of a lady, it's called. An anonymous woman is selling the real fabric. That's right. It's a bitch. So Bond goes to Sotheby's and

this is quite a nice scene. I think it's like played quite well, right? Like, uh, yeah, because it's one of the things we know about Bond is that he's a jammy bastard and he's a gambler. Like, yeah, it's a nice thing, uh, where he's there with this art expert from MI6, He's there with this art expert from MI6. And he sees a woman who he thinks might be kind of like the woman he's looking for. And he has this line where he says, I'm sorry. He has this line where he says,

now there's a lady. Now there's. And it kind of seems like he's sort of, had a brief moment of senility. And this is just like trying to confirm this. This is a very weird read from Roger Murray. He's like, that's a woman, right?

I think the 007, and just tell me, does she pass? It's like, no, the thing is, she's not even like a particularly remarkable, like there are several ladies there. He just happens to see her and it's just like, that's her, that's the last, that's what we're looking for. I've seen her in the credits of the film. She's the actress is playing the sexy lady. He's playing some shiqqa. Wish or something.

With a man who, like, who his art contact helpfully points out is Kamal Khan, an exiled Afghan prince, who is... And when we say Afghan, what we mean is British. White. British is a British man, yes. One of the more British men I think I've ever seen. And he's, we're told that he is kind of like more of a seller than a buyer.

And what he sells tends to be kind of like a dubious provenance. So there's the suggestion that he's like involved in like criminality. And so Bond, having figured out that this is suspicious, puts the squeeze on him by bidding for the real Faberier egg, just unprovoked, just to see how much he can make this guy hate paying for it. And so he drives him up from something like 300,000 pounds to 500,000 in 1981, no less. Truly. So, and there's lots of shots of people in the room and I'm like, my word. And yeah, I genuinely appreciate this. I appreciate seeing seeing Kavalkan get like more

and more angry and bond, you know, realizing that he has bet correctly that this guy will pay anything to get the, to get the balance. Yeah. It was good. This was a good scene. Yeah. Enjoy me saying that because I won't ever say it again. And then just just to cap it off for the end, the end of the only good scene in this movie. Bond gets back to to to M and he's like at M asks him, well, what would you have done if you would want it? And Bond says, I would have complained it was a fake because I switched it with the fake one during the auction. Yeah, it's good. It's cool. It's good. Like leather. during the auction. Yeah, it was good. It's cool. It's good. It's quite clever. Um, meanwhile, in the USSR, we get a very interesting scene of all of the

Russian generals having a chat about unilateral disarmament. It's it's it's for no. Yeah, and we support the Soviet people's uh, we do. We do. We do. I've used to listen to those who are gaslighting them. They haven't looked up on happened to them. A statement here, which is I, in all honesty, the Bond film so far have been extremely good at portraying the Soviet Union as largely just another player on the world stage. They don't seem especially bloodthirsty. Go Gold is there as a recurring character.

They sort of get us almost invested in them. I want to talk about the second though, because the set that we're here for is the big communist room where they plan all of the communists. Yes, it's so good. Every week it's where we record the podcast. We've got a big picture of Lenin. We've got a huge long curved desk that rotates to reveal an almost map of Europe.

Rotate. Okay, so what we're seeing is general go-go, the head of the KGB, the guy who we known like is kind of like M's opposite number. The guy who has been... Yeah, I almost didn't recognize him without a woman half his age on his name. Yeah, who's been hanging around since the... Oh, God knows when, since Egypt, even, talking about Inglo-Sortviet cooperation. Spy who loved me was when he think you can do anything. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like sort of advocating for peaceful disarmament and reproach him off with the West Dayton, basically, right? He's a good guy. And like the chairman of the party who's like this sort of like in a Brezhnev is like, totally on side with this. Let's, however, open the floor to crazy eyes, general all of them. Let's let this guy do a fucking Disney-ass villain speech, I call it general all of them. General all of who is right? Which is just a tack. Why do we just attack? He's like a sort of like intense, bold guy.

He's got more guys. He's like a sort of like intense bald guy. He's like, you can tell from the the the call of steps, he's army rather than KGB. And he starts, he has this very peculiar way of speaking. He like presses the button to rotate the big communism table towards the map. And then he just kind of start yelling like this, right? And he's Germany on the my direct command.

I have 31 divisions in clothing and I'll go on a tank division and another five in Czechoslovakia. I don't know why he sounds German bizarre. What accent is that? It's like Eric Idol doing German. You're not going to be a so-go-ons-y list. Yeah he's very unusual. But he thinks that so go on Z list. Yeah, he's very unusual. But he thinks that he's got the military muscle to invade Europe in five days. And he could win it in five days. And he thinks NATO doesn't have the balls

to use nukes against them because they are decadent and weak. And specifically, specifically, NATO's motions towards nuclear disarmament have left them weak. Not even NATO's listeners. The people's motions towards them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because listeners, they're not just talking about disarmament, like generally, of weapons,

but this movie is specifically about nuclear disarmament. Because we have kind of, like, become more accustomed, these days, to the idea that our governments just have world-ending weapons. We have kind of become more accustomed, these say to the idea that our governments just have world ending weapons, but back then there was a pretty serious move towards, well, what if we just fucking got rid of these because they did very nearly end the world? So that's the hauntology for this episode.

And that's also, yeah. As far as the reactionary part of this, is it explicitly says something that various conservatives were saying for many years, which is if still if you support disarmament of the West's nuclear weapons you are being a useful idiot and you are being Exploited by the Soviet Union who are about to roll their tanks over the border like this guy a Lighting thrust by ten armored divisions from the north. I don't know why he talks like that. He also, like, he's doing Tory power stance while he does this.

So he's like seven. And that's still a useful idiot and that worst you are in league with Congress. Just for the benefit of the listener, this movie, Octopussy, Octopussy, in 1983, which was a year before the movie Threads. So, if you were wondering about the general thoughts of the public towards nuclear weapons, it was maybe we shouldn't have these. And furthermore, like the fact that the Soviet Union refused to nuke the West several times is just a matter of historical fact. Stanislaus Petrov is the guy, right?

Yeah. The one who just refused to do so. Some renegades are just like, no. Like Abel Artur, we can talk about reforger every year. I mean, yeah, the amount of... I don't want to give anybody too much credit for not killing all organic life. Life, yeah. Like, there was a lot of restraint shown on both sides, including by the scary

communists. Anyway, the episode of this is like, there is a power struggle in the Soviet Union between Gogol, the good guys guys who want to like just be to as Gogo says to focus on pressing internal matters. Yeah, to just be good guys. The check's notes KGB. Yes. And the world's day. And then the bad guys, the red army of workers and peasants who want simply to drive West until they hit Antwerp. A decadent West. Yeah. Which to be fair must be destroyed. That's right.

All of is right. Yeah. That's me. Critical support for a man all of. We don't support his means, but obviously his goals. Truly. Shout out to you if you're listening to this podcast, not wearing headphones. You are brave and we salute you almost as much as we salute the Soviet Union.

That's right. So we see all of, also do some surreptitious criminalization. He goes to the Kremlin Art Repository, which is where they keep all of the, it's where they repose all of the art from the Kremlin. It's a big warehouse and he just kind of like one of the two twins is there and also an art nerd is there. And so he kind of like bullies this nerd for a bit. And he's like, oh, you have to make sure that like this scam that we're pulling to fake Faberierx and

to fake jewelry and to fake the like jewels of the Russian Empire that are now in the possession of the USSR goes off without a hitch or else. Which is great. So we've run out of former crowd holdings to inoculate with international non-submistry 007. We've run out of all those Caribbean islands. So where really is there left? For us to send this weird man. Bond, it's time for you to go to the next location. What do you know about India?

What do you know? What do you know about diving this movie off a cliff? What do you know about the movie of a guy who's fucking unwatchable for being tired of the runtime? What do you know about being racist? He follows a plenty, sir. Well, sir, he follows Khan. There's this shady guy back to Delhi. And when he gets off the boat in Delhi,

there is a snake charmer, laying the James Bond theme song. Yes, there is. Yes, there is. Which Bond recognized us? Because we've made a thing explicit that I joked about in the Connery years, which is James Bond is always hearing

the Bond theme in his head. And so whenever he's doing some Bond shit, he's just like, dude, to himself. And this is just like, Yeah, he recognizes it. This is like, this is like, I call Man and Egypt. Yeah, he's Egypt.

Yeah. VJ is like Bond's opposite number, nominally, but practically his like his junior in station I India. He's a great guy. Absolutely fantastic guy. Played by a tennis player called Vijay. Yeah, there's a lot of tennis jokes in this.

Yeah, which don't make any sense unless you know that's the famous Indian tennis ball. No, no. And he takes he takes one to his boss, the head of station I sadred in. Who is kind of like boring. I was half expecting like a sort of a Korean Bay character, but no, they don't do that this time. What's really funny is that twice in a fucking row, they do this working class guy turns out to be high-power

secret agent thing to Bond and he falls for it both fucking times. That's like real. Vijay is pretending to be a fucking snake charmer and bonds like, oh, fantastic, shoot, buddy. And then he takes him to his boss who is pretending to be a tuck tuck driver and bond once again gives him not the time of day. It's like, come on!

Yeah, when you're messing with him. For this every single time. I'm full for this every single time. So Bond gets a tip off from Cypherdin that that come out bets heavily at this casino, where Bond is going to be staying at the hotel next to it. And so if you if you wanted to like get get close to him, that's where you would go. So Bond checks into his hotel, flirts with the woman in their best hearts, really not in it.

I really wanna pull up a VJ line, because in one of VJ lines. And now, but me to a character fully. So VJ is talking about the casino and bar and things that Camila Carl knows, and he says, they've got a tennis club there. I actually go there, he employs me as sort of a pro to play tennis with him and sometimes

and bonds like, well, a lot of you learned so far and could be Jacob. Well, my backhand's improved. Yeah. I'm fucking enjoyed that. Yeah. Fucking dickhead. Yeah, that's great.

Jammy Cun. I don't have to. Yeah. But in a way, it's like actually charming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Give me a VJ movie. Get it? Absolutely. Absolutely. So I'd love to have. I mean, yeah, that's one of the like fucking missteps this movie makes. Another one of those is we're going to do a power struggle in the Soviet Union. We're really have an interesting Soviet character

who was with Gogol agent triple X. Oh, yeah, now has a whole movies worth of history, but no, we're not going to see her again. Yeah, I guess bond is still sore over the whole, you know, smoking him out thing. Anyway, like half hardly flirts with service staff. Yeah, it's not really in there. She goes, she goes like, oh, is there anything I can do for you? Anything? And you respond like, yeah, could you jack my dick and balls to completion? He doesn't even do that.

He's like, he's like, maybe Lacer, which is like the most depressing. Imagine her feeling, right? She's been rejected that callously by an old ass man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the general fiction of the Bond movie is a slowly swung towards every woman on earth thinks old men are fucking hollows out like every woman, which is a great message for your target audience, really, like the target audience is

dad's. Yeah, the taste of all women on earth has perfectly aged with Bond. Yes. Yeah, interesting. Bond goes to the casino and he sees Kamal betting against a retired British Indian Army Colonel, a very ruddy man, and Kamal wipes the floor with him. They're playing Bat Gannon and a thing you can do in Batgammon is you can double, right?

You can double the stakes, and then the winner takes all, right? And he sees Kamal do this to this extremely slow-witted kernel, like a couple of times, where every time he gets in trouble, hopefully we're informed of this by Vijay, who like Lee Nova Dev bottom and be like,

oh, he's got him now. Kamal goes, okay, well, I'll double. I'll put my dice into my little dice rolling thing. And I'll like, like my wrist, and I'll roll my dice. And I'm gonna get double sixes twice in a row, because I'm just lucky. Yeah. And so Kamal can, like like sort of bankrupt this guy and Bond offers to take his place. And Bond doubles again and outwits him by essentially going, oh, do you mind if I use your

loaded dice there, fella? Well, first Bond bets with the Faber-Jek. Yeah, you whipips out of this. Presumably by this point, Kamal has discovered that the air keyboard is a fake and we'll want to know whether real one is. And Bond puts the real one on the table and is like, how about we play for that? My security. Yes. Speaking of security, we also see Kamal's henchman here. Gobinder. Yeah. Gobinder. I love this guy.

I've written down here, Seek Oddjob. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very similar vibe. He is a large Seek man who is very taciturn and says very little. And when Bond beats Kamal, he does the odd job thing of crushing the golf ball between his fingers, except he does it with the dice, which is not as impressive in my opinion.

But still quite cool, because they have a lot of really intense close-ups of Gubbinder's eyes. And this actor is so intense. I really like this character. He's a lot of fun. Yeah. But it's filmed in a in a racist way obviously because it's like I mean, I'll point out that Sikhs were were categorized formally by the Raj by the British government as a warrior tribe who had like genuinely genuine those are those are class of destroyers in World War II called the tribal class, which were named after tribes that we thought were sufficiently warrior-like. So there was HMS Gurkha, it was HMS Afridi,

and there was HMS Sikh. So yeah. Jesus Christ, we were invading India, not going to war with the Klingons. So yeah. So yeah, it plays under that. Played by Kabirabadi who is an absolutely fucking legendary. He does a great job with nothing to work with other than East scary and ethnic. Yeah, also must be said very attractive. Oh, truly so.

Yeah, again, a classic bond category of having like a legendary actor from the country, you're currently making a fun of the parody of himself, but he somehow still manages to do well with the script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Bond wins a shit ton of money from Kamal by using Kamal's dice and like exposing the fact that he's a bit of a cheek. Kamal gets out his comically large checkbook. He's just like a giant novelty charity check. And Bond goes, I prefer cash.

So he has it cashed for him. Yeah. Bond receives a platter full of rupees in notes. Um. Da da da da. And he takes one, like there's like four, four sheaths of notes, right? He puts one in one inside pocket, one in the other inside pocket.

And then having run out of pockets, he turns to VJ and Sudredin and he gives it to them. And he says, you're in curry for a few weeks. Yeah. Fucking excuse me. So I think I understand what's going on here. I think it's some sort of joke about currying favor, right? He's like, this is what it is. I don't think it is. I think it's literally just what do people in India eat? Oh, curry. That'll keep you in curry. I think it's just like, I think

it's exactly as lazy as it appears to be on first glance. But yeah, so any of the case weird thing to say to an India laugh. Yeah. In any case, very straight. Because is keeping someone in curry as in like keeping them like curry? Is that even an expression? No, no, it isn't. Like it'll keep you in blank for like thing you like

or like thing you spend time in fine, whatever. But like, at this point, I'm like, yeah, India has been an independent country for going on 40 years when this is really. Yeah, that's the last thing he says canonically. Yeah. The character of Sadradi in before he just just watching the movie.

Yeah. It's kind of like you said, well, you get yourself a V check and take a masala with that. Oh, yeah, that's basically what the line is, right? And and and now, right. So so we don't we don't even get to see it. We don't get the line, but it's it's sort of implied that that Camel has done the classic move of while Bond is

being smug and leaving has just gone right, kill him because. What do you mean an escape? I do appreciate Gubbinder's practicality because the next shot is Gubbinder loading a gun, which is nice. Yes. It's nice to see a henchman actually. He doesn't like throw his turban. He doesn't have a pool of sharks.

He's just like, I'm going to shoot this man. First of all with a gun. No ridiculous weapon. A man got a gun. Yeah. Well, it is a little ridiculous because of the barrel, right? Like you see, you see it and you think he's loading a shotgun. And then he like snaps the action closed and it, you know, you see that it is in fact like a sort of comical blunderbuss, which is not great. Now, we're here going to get into what I'm going to call stuff. We're pretty sure they have an India montage one of two. Yeah, we have a chase scene in Tuck Tuck's, which at first I thought that'd be fun.

I love the PS2 game stuntman. VJ has a really fun line where he's like this is a company car when reveals when it's actually souped as fuck and Michael is a wheelie in the tug tug. I think that was fun. Yeah. My basic comment here is VJ fucking rules in this entire sequence. Everything else I could take or leave. Yes. But like Bond is facing backwards and VJ is facing forwards as he drives. So Bond is quippin. But he's like quippin to nobody. He's like clipping to himself in the audience. We are so far away from that lovely moment in Fioraizone where he turns there and says, like, love a drive in the country and she laughs. Like, which is, it's just kind of like a bit lackluster. VJs

and my notes here also say, where is Sheriff J.W. Pepper? Right? This is just a coincidence. We didn't mission him. Yeah! It's what you knew. I feel like he would have loved this. Absolutely. Sheriff J.W. Pepper is, of course, he was executed by firing squad by the Thai police.

He was. The Thai police, didn't he? No, Sheriff J.W. He's the last. He can't accept those guys. The last time we saw him was being arrested by the Thai police. So yeah, we are forced to conclude fully dead. He has been killed.

Bond gets to have the montage of fighting and being chased through various street entertainers. He runs over hot calls. He throws a guy onto a bed of nails that a guy was lying on. It's been very obviously, because they made a rubber. I'm saying the guy that was lying on it to say some shit, like, hey, that's my bed. Yeah, which is like, that's like,

pulls a sword out of a sword. So while it was thrown, bites a guy with that sword. My notes here say lack cluster. It's just a bit like, it's pitch, I have analogized it to jumping the shark here because at one point they literally do jump a camel. They ramped the tuk tuk over a camel. I don't even remember that. It's genuinely just a sequence of things that like they sat around a table like, all right, what happens in India? Stair really just really hard at an Indian flag for four or five hours as I attempt to make the scene work. If you JPM, you'd have to go out with a fucking

tennis racket. tennis racket. There's again, there's only funny if you know he's a tennis player. Yeah, yeah. So they escape and then we get to a classic of the genre, albeit bracket's racist. He escaped to the Q zone. Q's, it's the same scene. It's the Q zone. It's the Q zone. Q is, it's a middle one.

It looks like I'm a fucking contract, but they have to make him do things every movie for a bit in a vaguely racist way and he does it. Yeah, so Bond arises and Q is like, all right, it's time for the fucking QC, you know. He's a homing guy. He's a homing guy. He's a homing guy. He's a homing guy. He's a homing guy. He's a homing guy. Yeah, he fully just does go. I wish he'd been killed, James. Which is great. They plant a microphone and a homing device in the Faberger.

He gives him a fountain pen that squirts acid and then Bond sexually harasses one of Cues. He does, he does. Bond uses a camera to sexually harass one of Cues. My notes say hammer and nonts because Bond just rebondes. Bond goes, what's this? And Cue tells him that's a new liquid crystal television. The thing is huge, it's great. A little bit of

product called the pebble time. It's called a zoom. Sort of an e-painting. There's a lot of podcasts on this. Stick around. So, yeah, so Bond realizes that it is hooked up to a camcorder. And then seeing Norman across the lab. There's a lady.

He zooms in and out repeatedly on her tits. There's a bit where there's a guy, he climbs a rope, but the rope's motorized and it falls over halfway and Bond says something like, oh, you're dick-small to the heel. And it's like, yeah, okay, I've seen the scene 40 to 50 times. Let's put it on. So he says, I've seen the scene 40 to 50 times.

Let's put some pieces. You said I don't have time for these adolescent antics, and I choose to believe that was just Desmond Lurellen saying that. Yeah. So then Bond wants to get... And this is the same fucking complaint as in Live and Let Diet, right? Yes.

It's the same complaint because it's bond by numbers, as you said in the group chat, this is just bond again. All of the things that Bond does again in another movie. He goes to a fucking location and they go, Mr. Bond, your table's ready, your guest is waiting and like a fucking spy would do, he goes, I didn't reserve a table. And it's like, are you a fucking spy? Or what? How do you not understand?

What is happening here? And then as a spy would do, he goes up, but I will go. I'm fucking spy! What? Do you not understand what is happening here? And then as a spy would do, he goes, but I will go anyway. Yeah. And it's... It's the same thing. It's the same thing.

It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing like she's she's She wants to talk to bond about

Every every bond villain has to contractually ever since fucking the man of the gong gun have a woman with them So that bond can have sex with them and learn things. Yeah, this is that one for this move Yes, and once again, they've been like, this time she's been sent to have sex with them, so it's not weird. He's like, oh, then I have to be here for. No, but her offer is, however, the the egg for your life, right? But then he he he f**ked off her he f**ked her. And she feels the egg which Bond was expecting her to do anyway. Yeah. And she has a tattoo though, I'll ask, isn't she?

Oh, fuck, yeah, sure. I'll give you the fucking line. What is that? That's my little octopus. She's got a little octopus. Can you play that again? Yes, and I'd like to just that. That's my little octopus. Can you just based boost that fine? So yeah, so essentially she gets a photo taken of James Bond and says I'm just I'm like a little bit.

Not sure why I needed this, but not as much as you might think. I'm saying James Bond, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to do it very easily. I've had a photograph of you taken to put in a scrapbook of other men that I have 100% murdered. Yes. Would you like to have sex? Yeah. And then after. Well, in fairness to him, she is blonde and she is American and she also has... She has hair cut as Mishka and Grishka. She does, but she also has an incredible set of acrylic nails. So this would work on you as well. And it's a well, if there's ever been a third category, it's that, you know. So off her...

I haven't seen a set of acrylic nails like that. I'm gonna make a blonde American woman since... Off, but anyway, yeah. Off to the sex. Bond notices, I'm getting the squirt bottle out and I'm placing it on the desk in front of me. I'm normal, I'm fine. Yeah, I was unaffected by Magda, to be honest.

I, so honestly, I was more affected by the rowers. We'll talk about them. I was more affected by the way she escapes. She steals the egg. She steals the egg. Ties wound up her sorry around the balcony and when Bond goes to like non-surfing behind she just like jumps off the balcony and the sorry unwraps until she lands at the bottom in her underwear into Kamal's waiting car, which I thought was very cool. He acted blankly around, which is very nice. He has a little robe for her, which I thought was cute.

Yeah, my nose just came here. And then go up into our job spot. I should point out, the thing is here, she has a little tattoo of a blue ringed octopus, which Bond notices after the sex. And she's like, oh yeah, that's my octopus, see? It's like the world's most fair ground as dry tongue transfer to. Yeah. Yeah. He gets, he gets our jobs because

Gabinda comes up behind him and hits him, right? Yeah. And hopefully, Gabinda knew how to pull punches better than Harold's cast. I hope he didn't. I hope he was objectively worse. So they put him on a boat, right, which is a manned or in this case womaned by a lot of very strongly armed, like a female rowers, which I appreciated a lot. They're there for like two seconds on screen, but while the arms are moving, I'm just thinking, hmm, yeah, the chance is in out, in out, out.

But I know that. Now, now, we, we, we got to come out and come out is doing a fun thing. He's talking to, talk to pussy, but October is getting the blow felt treatment. And I think it's good. It's good. It's fun to do the blow-felt thing with a woman, right? She's not. It is. Her face isn't showing. We only hear her voice. Her voice is quite husky.

We see her feeding her pet Octopus. Well, we see her feeding a rubber doll. Yeah, it's a bee-renowned Octopus. It's about four times larger than a blue-ringed Octopus would ever be ever. And it looks like shit. And Camel is like, okay, we found, we found this guy who we're pretty certain, like, had the, had the fake egg.

And we're going to torture him for information. And she's like, oh, that's cool. What's his name? James Bond. And when she hears the name James Bond, she hesitates. And she's like, right, bring him to me. And Camel tells her, no, bond is dangerous. But she insists and Kamal has a sort of non-sea line on itself where he says,

no from you is very unlikely to turn into a yes. So I'll just go and do that. Kind of like that line. The full line is, and no from you is very unlikely to turn into, yes, I shall assume this meeting is over, but you you is very unlikely to turn it to yes. I shall assume this meeting is over, but you are making a mistake, which I quite liked. Yeah. Now, because he's not like Lording it over. She's clearly like in charge, if not his equal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's cool. So, the scene, the actual name of this scene in the, the scene list that I use for this on IMDB is entitled Bond Awakens in his fancy holding cell. Bond Awakens in a strange place. Yeah. Come on, Mike, to take him to dinner and they're like, eggs, eggs, something about the egg. And what do you know about ethnic food? It's gross. Oh god.

You ever seen fucking Indiana Jones? It's the same joke. It's, hey, Indian foods gross, isn't it? Have you ever seen a boiled sheep's head? Would you like to eat it? And it looks nice, actually. It looks fine. Yeah, give it a go.

It'll be fine. So, like, Kamal threatens him, right? And what he threatens him with, I'm so mad at this movie for not delivering, right? Um... So damn bendethore. A bit crude. Very unreliable. We prefer curari with an effective psychedelic compound.

Guarantee, results. You're telling me that you could have no stop bond with LSD and you didn't do that. I would have been so good. I mean, like, double or seven, what do you know about MK Ultra? Yes, Sesh Gremlin Q. Now double or seven, what you're going to want to do is take half of these, it comes up very slowly, but once it hits you're going to want to do is take half of these, comes up very slowly, but once it hits you, it'll be on you like a ton of bricks. 007, if anyone spoke, there's about 45 minutes before you want to really get into the groove.

007, this is a secret device we've been working on. It's activated by the code word, these adabors ain't shit. 007, this is a nozz canister. Now, if I want to get you extremely high, point to four of a second, and also you might it. Oh, there's no, this is a nozz canister. Now, it's only got you extremely high point to four of a second and also you might die. But inside this balloon, it seems like an ordinary piece of blotter paper. But.

007, this is MDMA and it's just, it's just really good. 007, I haven't a totally that I love you. I think someone's telling me that I can leave right now if I wanted to. For God's sake, 007, you don't want to get these confused. This is Sativa. It's more of a body height. Now this is in die cards. More of a head height 007. There's a different strain.

007, come on, come back. Come on. It's more of a head high W7. There's a different strain. W7 come on, come back. Come on. It's different. Simply take half a hit of that booty shit. W7. W7 is the meat. You are going to have to sign a cheater if you want anything harder than a meat. That's government property, damn it, I said. You want me? Now, it's not like a ordinary grind of butt.

If you open up this compartment, you will see the substance that we call keef. This may look like an ordinary woodland mushroom. Let me fucking tell you. Ground up, it will send you to the fucking moon. I've never heard of Sios hiding in that place. What the fuck up? Oh yeah, so he's got a bitch about it. Oh, I've got to do this.

So, so. So, so. 007. 007. He goes. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, and arm out his like nope. And then when he gets used to his own room, he says to go be under, you don't wanna come in for a night cab either, do you? Which is fucking right. James Bond has been a gay flirt since way before

Casino Roy out. James Bond. Yeah, I can. It would have been awesome if go Ben, or Ben, yeah, all right. And then I called him out, I fucking let's go. Yeah, and then it cuts to them waking up together

after a beautiful evening of love making. But no. It's fantastic. Yeah. Instead Bond uses his acid fountain pen to get out of his fancy presents. Sorry, I'm not used to seeing this. And then he's going to say.

He's sneaks downstairs. General Allove is visiting. And he's looking at the egg with Kamal. Yeah, they're just looking at the egg. Yeah, and he's like over here's them using his little earpiece and he hears them say in sort of big conspiratorial communism voice that we meet to the next stage of the plan at Karl Marxstadt in a week. Real real place and now named himnets, but like yeah, what's

name Germany? Yeah, what's name? Karl Markstadt. What's name? Or say he's wearing a safari suit here. I fucking hate those safari suits so much. I hate them with all my heart. Yeah, it's terrible. Absolutely, absolutely, atrocious. And they find out that Bond has escaped and they chase him. He escapes the house castle in a body bag. The way that he escapes is he disguises himself in the body bag of a henchman that we have seen gobbin to kill to like take care of his security reasons earlier. And so on finding out that he's escaped, Kamala's like, right, we will hunt him for sport at Lex Green's style.

We will do the most dangerous game. But, like, we cannot say the Lex Green Hill, I'm not sure. So while they're setting up to do that, while they're getting the mahuts on the elephants and such, we see a couple of henchmen like just dump the body bags. And as they're about to dump the one that Bond has in it, for the second time since impersonating Kendo Man, James Bond uses the tactic of make a really fucking weird noise to scare people. So he sits up while the guys are moving him and he does this

I was a henchman. I would immediately have emptied my gun into that This is the same man who had his previous greatest hit was This is the same man who had, his previous greatest hit was, ah, expanding his repertoire. And like, it's because, you know, ethnic people that we're in superstitious. Yes, yes. He's always been saying this. He's just like, the native people of India are primitive and superstitious. Do you get it? Yeah.

And also, Albert Rockley, he got his fucking elephant chase after all. Oh, he fucking did that shit for the man. God, he got it. Yeah, he gets the things. It's shit. Yeah, it's like the weird, it's like darkest Africa shit. It's so fun. What I'm describing here as a shit, we vaguely suppose that they might have an India montage to a two.

Yeah. I'm actually supposed that they might have an India montage to of two. Where he like, variously runs through like spiders, leeches. He's being chased by elephants. There's a snake. There is a crocodile. And most of all, there is a tiger and the tiger, like sort of like, growls at him and bond tells it to sit. No, kind of weird delivery, that roger, to be honest. grows at him and bond tells it to sit.

Kind of weird delivery that Roger to be honest. I think it's a reference to something from the 80s, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But yeah, none of this has any of the same tension of that scene where the woman who couldn't read was hunted through the woods by dogs in Moonraker. Doesn't have the tension to be quite easy.

Moonraker was not a good film tension to be clad in the scene. Moonraker was not a good film. So like to be comparing this unfavorably to Moonraker is not good. No, you're completely right, Alex. This doesn't even have the fucking tension of the scene where the guy was dressed in clown makeup being hunted. Yeah. It's just a guy being in India.

And it's like there is a white guy in India. The bad guy is another white guy in India and everyone who dies is an Indian man. It's such fucking, it's just disgraceful. At one point James Bond swings on the vines. Like, makes the noise. I don't have a drop of that because I was too angry. It's great that Tarzan sound effect. You don't need to drop it.

You know what it is. What is this film doing? It's being bond. And so bond escapes by the tactical expedient of lying in some grass and then getting up really fast, kicking a guy in the shin and jumping in the river. Snake crawls on him and he says, he's off.

He's off. Yeah, he jumps in the river and swims to a tourist boat and once again, to my surprise, found myself missing, Sheriff Jake, I'll be a papu. Yeah, yeah, I kind of thought he'd be there, you know. It's a tourist boat full of Americans being dumb and racist. It's been a long day That you my friend family. Yeah, so yeah He gets in the boat and the like come on and go then to can't kill him because there are witnesses and that stopped yeah So Bond goes back to station i India where VJ is massaging him Yeah For some quite sure why that station I India where VJ is massaging him.

Yeah, for some reason. Quite sure why. And but I don't find. I'm not quite. Yeah, becomes a bathroom invader because I hear that island's full of beautiful women. No men allowed. Really, Sexual discrimination.

I'll definitely have to pay the visit. So I'm a turf now, we're all turf now. James Bond should not be allowed in women's spaces. Because... Yeah, I mean, like self-id has opened the door to James Bond. I've known movement before it. I think I might be... If we have self-id, then James Bond is just going to be able to come into any

woman's space anytime he wants. And we know he's a sexual predator, so that's why we must not be given the same rights as anyone else. That's right. Because James Bond might abuse it. I have only one question, and that is, should a mailed sex James Bond. Oh, wait, let me find us and read a little bit. Yeah then to scroll away down my mind. Bond question. Yeah, the James Bond question. Do you believe

that a male-born James Bond should be free to enter and undress in a communal changing room where women and girls are undressing? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. James Bond's not. Absolutely not. No. And my notes here say crocodile nonsense. Yes. James Bond finds out that Octopusie lives on an island exclusively of women where she is preposterously wealthy. And Bond is like, right, I'm going to ride my-

Guys. Well, tell me about it. Motorized. It's a ride exact the way you might imagine. Motorized crocodile. Yeah. Into the island. I'm gonna- Do you not have a motorized crocodile?

Me personally, no. No, I don't have a motorized- How does he fit- Crocodile. And it's not like a crocodile head or anything. It's like a full crocodile. he climbs into and out of that crocodile technically it is submarine yeah that's true um it's actually a ridgeable no not it's so it's so he infiltrates he infiltrates this uh uh this island of women it's

really funny to me that they make the exact same like women noise from on her majesty's secret service. It's really bizarre. Like he's like spying on them as they're all like you know in bikinis and presumably now chromosome vetted swimming pool scene. And like the noise is like that that conversation carries and they just sound like women.wav So me and the girls all the time Often often I'm always I'm always guy So yeah, so he so he sneaks in, he meets Okto Pussy. Okto Pussy.

And we find out what her deal is. It's a fucking weird deal. Did either of you realize who this was? Oh no, who was this? Oh my god. Okto Pussy is played by Mord Adams, who was Miss Anders in the Man with the Golden Gun. Oh shit. Oh F***. It's the same actress. Scarim Anger's girlfriend. She's back and I saw her and I was like,

oh my f***ing god, what a twist. Like, she somehow survived being shot by Scarim Anger. Like, she's back. Like, what an amazing thing. Like, is she gonna be the villain now because Bond like, fucked her and then dumped her and like, got her killed and left her, but no, it's she's just playing a different Cut. She's playing a different woman. Yeah, because that would have been good. You see him. We can't have that no no so her deal is So bond clock that jawline anywhere Bond once did a mission in Sri Lanka Where he traced a former like a British colonial officer who had stolen a bunch of gold from, I think the Japanese during the war.

And he had just like gone missing with it, he had just taken this golden run. Bond had found out about this like 20 years later, had tracked him down. And then in a sort of gentlemanly way, had offered him the alternative of rather than bringing him in honorable death by service revolve. Well, it's not even specifically like texturing that. He just says he gave him 24 hours to get his affairs in order during which time he used that to commit an honorable suicide. An octopus he goes like, that was based actually and now we're friends. Yes, thank you. Thank you for saving my father from disgrace while allowing.

Thank you for pushing my father to kill himself. Can you commit suicide? Yeah, your is the answer to my mother's death. By the way, you really liked octopus's. He was the line again. I don't, I don't, I don't want to. My father became a leading authority on Octopi. He loved his pet name for me was Octopussy. Now, I want it before, before, before, before we get into the obvious thing here,

I want to point out the octopus thing, not foreadowed we know two things about her dad one thing Uh, he stole a large amount of gold second thing apparently big into octopus. Yeah Loves him loves loves loves loves loves loves and oxygen baby loves some taky-yaki And fuck Ryzen. Ah, I feel like we're anyway. So yeah, but also his pet name for his daughter, his child, his human child, the child that he is a father of, is ox pussy. Um, so, so to put his defense for himself is essentially

I've literally not done a crime. Yes, a board strategy. Is there a police? All man is dead. Yeah, her deal is almost literally to go, Oh, is smuggling a crime? Well, then arrest me for the crime of smuggling goods illegally across borders. Oh, I'm smuggling diamonds, am I? All arrest me then if that's a crime, which I can only say base boosted. Yes, it is. Yeah, but in fact, it's not really bonds the parliament. This is the second- I know it's kidding. It's a movie where a guy tries this with bond and it works because in the pre-intra, for your eyes only, the guy is like, I smuggle shit all the time.

Not heroin though, so you can't touch me. Also, I'm cool. Yeah, again, he doesn't address the white slave, everything. No, he really, which I'm really head up on. Also, Bond is like, hmm, where do you get all these women? And she's like, why are they wearing incredibly skin tight red jumpsuits like literally seavocamal? Right up there, showing some screenshots

from this scene to my surgeon. Diet fit. Yeah. That's head smith girl. So where does she source these fucking a henchmen from that? Well, you see, you may have noticed,

we haven't mentioned it, but you may have assumed, in fact, that all of these women, including Magda, are white women. They are some black ones in the background. Yeah. Um,

now this is, this is despite the fact that they are in India. And the reason for this is because she's running a cult. She just says this, I revived the old Octopus cult. And now there's a bunch of women who show up wanting a guru and like spiritual discipline, I wrote down a horning here. And it's like, okay, but you realize that's a cult, right? You are, you're David Correshing these women.

Like, yeah, all these women would be in Central America having like spiritual journeys in the 21st century. In 1980, whatever they are. All of them are going to be in the middle of an ass drum. Yeah, so this is like, hot cool for the 1960s. Yeah, so Kamal works out that Bond has escaped to Octopus Island, and he immediately sets about betraying her. By hiring, yes, sometimes

you just need three men. So I'd like to fucking first two points. First of all, he gives to me an absolutely perfect professional grade A4 glossy headshot of that target. Second, I'd like to submit for the fucking approval of the Midnight Society, the single least effective weapon I ever fucking see. And they're not even allowed to move. In this movie, just in this movie, because all of the time in this movie, people are pulling museum pieces on him.

Like he briefly gets stabbed with a five-bladed dagger. There's one of those daggers that's like bent at right angles. There's a guy who just brought a mace to the tuk-tuk chase. There's a lot of this going on, but all blown out of the water by this guy who has a circular saw blade on yo-yo elastic. My man got a circular saw blade on a fucking string. This is a wakostidanderous.

This is a fucking weapon that requires two extra guys. And also you need to be at a height advantage. How many children did this movie kill? Trying to imitate, because this was before you did like gays shit, like shit like say hey don't imitate stunts in movies to children So this is fully must have like decapitated a child Yeah, also they hire a certain native guys and their dad son native in the world and I would say they're Played as fucking robes Basel bus. Yeah, they don't even have lines. Well, lines. No, there is kind of one fun thing they get to do, which is,

Camel tosses a big purse full of money on their table. And their leader is like, well, we don't want to make enemies with the woman. And so Camel tosses a second equally large purse full of coins on the table. And he's like, oh, all right, that's fine. He doesn't say, all right, then. fine. He doesn't say all right then. He responds like a fucking prospector going out of the Midwest. He was going to miss the pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like 100%.

It's bad. It's really bad, guys. It's not good. It's not good. It's really fun. I would simply at that point have taken the money and killed Khan with my yoga. Yeah.

So we now get to the worst scene in the movie. This is really bad. Not even quite genuinely content warning. Starts out well, right? Because Bond and Oxford's you're talking and she's like, hey, what, since I owe you this like life death of gratitude, I have to go to Europe for like a week, right? Why don't you stay here

when I come home? I will give you a job working for my cult, my sex cult. And Bond kind of like disdains this. He's like, no, I work for the government, I'm not for hire. So she says, fairly reasonably I think. I have no country, I have no price on my head. I don't have to apologize to you a paid assassin for what I am. Now this this upset bond being accurately described. And so Bond here follows her into her bedroom and then forcibly kisses her. Yeah, Bond commits another rape. He does another rape, she says no.

She says no rape. He says no very fatically. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I mean, then she kind of like, I know. Yeah, that's what even now. It's so fucking terrible. It's because like, we're back to the idea from Goldfinger

of James Bond seduces you with his magic dick. And even though it's exactly the kind of thing that inspires men to think that no means yes, right, is that you can say no and then change your mind. But not explicitly, though. Only implicit. No, you can't say yes after that. And like it admittedly, the character changes her mind, but this was a scene written by three men. So this is this only represents that you have. And as that she acts, the change of mind in a way that is like convincing, but also like doesn't make sense.

No, this is like a really weird thing to do. I believe that you have done it, but it's like very weird. Yeah. But anyway. It's not good. It's not great. Yeah, so fortunately, some guys are bumping the M on the scum scale. Up to the heavens. VJ gets got.

VJ gets got. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about this. Yeah, let's talk about this. I'm a little more time talking about my man VJ gets got. He gets fucking got. Okay, let's talk about this. Let's spend a little more time talking about my man VJ. Good night cross winner VJ. Good night cross winner VJ. Post-schumus. He's just watching the building.

He was watching it earlier. He swaps out for VJ because they're taking it in turns to watch it. And VJ is like, have you seen him yet? And you guys, are you getting there? It's an island filled entirely with women. We're not going to see Bond until dawn. Going to be neck deep. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be. I'm not getting that absolute fairer. Don't worry.

My man's prostate is being exploded from the back outwards. Yeah. My man's getting that non-consensual pussy fantastic. So they swap out for feet, well he is. They swap out for it detection that's bad by the way, Jim. Yes. They swap out for VJ and he gets murdered with the aforementioned least effective weapon known to man's fucking God's greener. Oh, so embarrassing. You guys hold him and then the third guy from a high advantage drops a circular saw on his chest. Yeah. And it's like, you've got to be pretty trusting if you're one of the two guys holding him. Right? So those guys, those guys attack the island, bond fights them off. He dodges the yoyo and then he escapes. He fakes his death.

Oxfers he thinks he has been killed by. One of the hedgemen gets caught by an octopus. It looks like shit. The like a shit. I humbly submit that the art for this episode is that it's like weirdly held for like two or three seconds shot of a guy on the floor with an octopus on his face. Yeah, absolutely. And the thing is, the octopus is pulsing as well. It genuinely looks like an alien face hug. Yeah. Yeah. So Bond escapes. He faces death. And then he, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he, he, he faces death by falling into the river with another guy, the guy with the circular saw, and then a crocodile shows up up and the guy screams as if he's been eaten.

Now obviously that crocodile is Bond's submarine from earlier on. He uses up to escape. What the fuck in genuine shit did he do to that guy? Did you know what happened? He has a fountain pen full of acid. What do you think happened? He already used that. I read it as a crocodile ate the henchmen and then like a real one and then Bond coincidentally got to do a cross-sumeration. He's talking about aced a crocodile and like escapes under crocodile disguise. I think you've got to use the law of conservation of crocodiles here. That's going to be the same crocodile. Yeah, fucking awful. The Scrazer on a yo-yo.

conservation of crocodiles here. Like that's gonna be the same. Yeah, fucking awesome. The Scrazer on a yo-yo. Yeah, if you know how James Bond killed this man, please. I'll show you on a poster. Please, his family has been written. Where has family's only opportunity to find out what happened?

So, so Vichah has been killed. Go to kultivspond.com slash contact. And let us know. Oh, did that guy. Yeah. fun.com slash contact. And then I have in my notes this beautiful phrase I was so pleased to be able to write sadly get south of motorized crocodile because rock's up on the motorized crocodile to the opposite bank where he sees VJ's dead ass corpse and Q standing over him and he'd like morocally extracts himself from his motorized, real, really weird, very

solemnly leaves. He was a fuck, water, out of a crocodile's head. And what Q says is he was alive when I found him. Ooh. I didn't, I didn't know I'm trying to do anything for him, because, yeah. Let's take a second here to examine how the fuck would he be alive?

Because they dropped us to a circular saw and became it. Yeah. And the only reason that I can find is a fucking script writing soul one is because they left him alive and long enough for him to say to you, it was Khan's men. And the only reason I can think of this is because the script writers realized they had forgotten

for there to be any way for Bond to know who hired those guys. Yes. Except, like, I guess, basic pattern recognition. Yeah, like, being able to look at a guy who's been cut in half a 10 minutes after you've seen a guy with a circular saw. The other thing is, he walks over to a corpse and he picks up this kind of obscured obviously, but he lifts like a hat off his head, which is how he finds out that he's dead. So you can only imagine this man has had his head bifurcated by a circular saw.

He was alive when I found him. Horrible. Horrible. 007. Oh, I read that. I was like, I read that as he was wounded and blood out and cute, like, put a hat over his face out of respect. Your body horror shit, 007. But my other question would be like,

why would they have left him alive? Yeah, I would have left him alive. Barely alive. It's great. It's the guy charged by the yo-yo. Like, I think it's a script writing solve and nothing more. I know I post you a misgivant night cross to that guy.

That's right. So Bond is like, I have to go to the next location, Germany. Yeah, Karl Marxstad. Yeah, I have to go through Berlin and then go to Karl Marxstad where Octopus is operating a traveling circus. A traveling circus. As you do, as you do, Kamala's there, general all of us there.

She does tell him earlier on when she's talking about the sex cult. Yeah, I diversified into business, you know, shipping circuses. And it is called Octopussy Circus. Yep. You want to bring the kids to the Octopussy Circus. So he says something like, join me, Mr. Chaffer. And I don't know, seven. Hold Octopusie's circus.

We can't have to go to disguise as a clown. Yeah, he says, get M to meet me in East Berlin, which is the only way I found out this guy is supposed to be M. Yeah. Yeah. What's that never happens? He's the same guy, right?

It's like, you could imagine it's the guy taking over as M, but he's built as Admiral Miles Messerby, which is, that's the same M. Yeah, same guy. That's not good. It should have just said it was a different guy. Judy Juni Dench is also playing a guy called Admurth Amal's Massivey. It's not a code name.

So Bond... Their thing. Bond attends the circus and he sees Meshka and Grishka throwing knives at each other blindfolded. Yeah, I hooted and hooded at this point. The boys are back. I was really excited for Meshka and Grishka. All of all of his there. Kamal was there and Octopus is there. And so he follows Kamal and all of and he's he eavesdrops on them collecting a big a big like container full of jules, the various Russian treasures.

He watches them switch this on the circus train for a nuclear bomb. A nuclear bomb. I have to say a general law. I have two notes at this point, which was in light entirely clear what anyone's plan is yet. Yeah, the other note is Magda just fully sideline at this point. She's just gone. She's been swaps out the the role of woman who is near villain during these scenes has gone to Octopussy. We briefly cut back to Moscow and the art repository because we see the gogole is like catching up with all of and so he brings an appraiser in and he talks to all of

Artnerd and he picks out a piece of Jorin who's like, oh, the Roman of Star, useful, and then just like shatters it because it's glass. So we get the sense that Gogol is closing in, which is good. But we see this nuclear bomb being assembled in the base of a human cannonballs cannon. That they're going to, we understand the plan to be that they're going to roll the train to the next show in West Germany on a US Air Force base. And they're going to deton the train to the next show in West Germany on a US Air Force base. And they're going to detonate that bomb.

Yeah. They're going to set the time. And Bond kills one of the twins sadly and takes his clothes. And he kills Miska or Grishka. I think it's Miska. I think it's Miska. It is Miska. Yeah, because Grishka later like sees him from behind and says Miska and then he really

wants to bond. Yeah. Yeah, because Grishkalator like sees him from behind and says Mishka and then we're on. But then he takes general all of prisoner and we find out the plan, which is that so the nuclear bomb will apparently when detonated give off the same kind of energy signature as an American bomb. And because it has not been launched from an ICBM, when it goes off in the US Air Force Base, everyone will assume that it was an American bomb that went off by accident, which will prompt the public to push for complete disarmament,

leaving them vulnerable to invasion. Yes. And my notes here say, ideology. Yeah, no, it's such a fucking Western idea of what the Soviet Union were up to. Yeah. Also, the idea that in order to use nuclear weapons in Europe, the United States needed nuclear weapons

based in Europe. Yeah, no, it's an intercontinental ballistic missile. But again, we get this ideology idea that a, nuclear weapons work to deter other nukes, but also that nuclear weapons work to deter military invasion. This is just kind of left unquestioned bond realizes with some horror that this plan will probably work. Which is very strange. What is, by and large, an accurate assessment of nasophources in Germany, both from all

off and bond, because all of us like, yeah, we have like a 10 to 1 numerical advantage of them if they don't nuke us or crush them, which is true. That's like more or less accurate. Yeah, and they've closed off an entire hangar just to investigate vampires as well. So joke for me and Devon only. Literally just a joke for me and a Devon owner. Literally just a joke for four guys on planet Earth, sorry. That is a wrap. There's also another arm of this plan, or should we say tentacle of this plan, which

is that once this new goes off, the public will pressure the US to pull out of Europe. And we are therefore reminded that the United States just like have a military presence in Europe. Oh yeah, yeah, of course. Just like, just like have a lot of forces there. Unelected, there's nothing you can do about it. Like they're just like here on our continent. And there's like fuck all we can do about it. And this is portrayed as like a good and necessary thing. The natural state of things. Is that the US simply just like have military power all over the world?

Absolutely, because you've got to maintain that balance of power is the thing. Yeah. So Bond does a lot of hitmaning in this. Like he sneaks around, he kills Mishka. He takes Mishka's clothes, which again, this is like the second time he does this. He confronts Olaf and he gets this explanation about the plan.

He's like, oh shit, that might work, I guess I have to kill him, but he gets like walked in on by one of Olaf's guards. And so Bond like has to escape being chased by Olaf. And the way that he does this, he steals all of sports, his staff car, which is a nice Mercedes. Personally, not sure that the Soviets were big on Mercedes, but whatever.

Yeah, East Germany, I don't know. So they shoot out the tires of Bond's Mercedes and he Drives it onto the train tracks to chase the train. Yeah, I'm leaving for West Germany Fortunately, it's the perfect age just lot onto the train tracks and the tracks, but it's fine It's cool. Yeah, he turns it into it into a high rail And it doesn't a car doesn't have anyone other way to make that possible. Sorry.

Well, I mean, if you want to get weird about this, I'm going to point out that all the Soviets, so we're just shooting a bond, carrying like Stair Orgs, which is an Austrian bullfabricot rifle. And honestly, incredible look on them. Yeah, it looks great. Yeah, so yeah, bond, I'm gonna point out, like I take notes for these,

I fill up a little notebook and just write things in as they strike me. And so my notes here are simply twice in a row and about 15 minutes apart, yeah man, sure. Yeah, that's essentially what I wrote as well. Bond, my notes are just, yeah. He chases them and he gets on the train. He gets on the train.

Gogal is also in pursuit. They go across the border into West Berlin. All of us running after Bond and he runs across the border and the border guard shoot him. Yeah, the gogal appears in his like, you're a piece of shit I hate you. And he's like, I have a plan as already happened. All of, all of goes out like a like a bus. I do like his line

because like go go go walks up to him. He's like, oh, you're a common thief and you're a disgrace to the uniform and and all of who has been shot many times. Looks up, James is like, yes, but tomorrow be a hero of the Soviet Union. And we support the Soviet Union and all his struggles and the honor of the fall. And I get a real one. And Conrad Orlov did nothing wrong. Yeah, completely correct. You want to blow up the deck and West? Go for it. It would have worked.

It would have worked probably. Meanwhile, Gobinda and Khan Arm the bomb. My notes say, why are these guys doing this? Like they're not Russian money? Yeah, get a Russian guy to do it like that we have it We have a thing earlier with a weapons officer who's I've affectionately called Soviet Q where he's like right Right 007 what you're going to want to do is to arm the bomb and then be at least 20 miles away when it detonates Yeah, if they're doing it for money then like he's a prince

He doesn't need any more money again We go back to my point of not entirely clear what anyone's plan is we know what all of the jewels plan is Oh, like what the fuck is I think I'm trying to do they're being Just trying to do being paid for it with the jewels But he's got like so much money. He cheats a pack of money. I really like He's a prince. He really likes the egg. He likes the egg. He likes the egg. And he's willing to kill thousands of people

in pursuit of the egg. The eggs already been smashed. And then you see, but anyway, and Bond is hiding inside a gorilla suit. Yeah, that was my second time. Yeah, man, sure. Was Bond in the room. They have a fight on a train.

I had my gobinders commitment. Do you know how how like I have a standing rule in my life. I've had this all my life since birth that like a train fight and especially a fight on the roof of a train elevates any movie for me by two full letter grades. And this movie, the sole exception, they make a train fight boring to me who loves a train fight more than anything. Yeah. It was good for me because I was on a train at the time, so it was really immersive to me. Oh, yeah.

For the train in the round. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get a point where Bond holds his own against a guy who can fucking crush dice in his bare hands. Primarily because he insists on using a sword for the fight.

Yeah, he just finds his own. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to use this. It's not even his. He finds it on a costume rack. You just picks it up and is like, yeah, this is my weapon. See it being a shop. Anyway, this is my thing. This is my stage blade.

I'm going to kill you with that as a flex. Bond bond falls off the train. He kills the other twin. Yeah, they fall off together. One of them dies. Bond and then Bond has to hitchhike to the USF. He gets owned by teenagers. He gets owned by teenagers because he's trying to like, he's trying to hitchhike. He's knowing he's on the clock. He's got like 15 minutes before the bomb blows up, so he's hitchhiking, running down the road, some teens pull over and they're like down the road and they're like, right, come here, come here.

And as you get close, they pull off again, owned, fucking, owned. Yeah, it's really fine. They call them a non-saleo. They do the jack-up version. At this point, we see a failed-vibriot foul pepher because we got a... Take it, pardon.

We see fucking Sergeant J.W. Pepper, but German. Ha ha ha. We, I should have said, It should have been him, it should have been him. It should have been him. And we got, We got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, we got, some fucking buy-ons state police shows up and like this fat couple in like a small Volkswagen are trying to like feed bond vests the whole time. Yeah, offering and beer and she and he's going like no thank you.

And also I'm pretty sure the fucking lines were written by the script writers just with their like high school fucking German because he steals a woman's car. And she says like mine auto. As mine auto. He gets shut the fuck up. I could have written that line. Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, a woman is rude to him and monopolized his own box.

So he steals her car and then tries to like race onto a US Air Force base. I think which is a good way to be shot, I think. Yeah, and they do try to show him that's their reddit. That's true. The German police, the the the Bavarian police drive after him. My notes here simply say where to cop green Pulitzer motorcycle jacket. It's a good one. Yeah, cool uniforms.

Absolutely. It's on slash contact. If you know where to, it has to be green. It's the thing. Right in the show. I already have to police motorcycle jackets. We do read them. But Bond gets into the Air Force Base.

They're all chasing him, so he decides to duck into a trailer and adopt another disguise. Yes, he hit man till again. And the disguise is, he enters clown mode. Yeah, so he becomes the dang Joker. So he is like nothing like the clowns you know. Right, the only possible reason he dresses as a clown is so that they could use the pictures of him as a clown in the trailer.

So that at the start when they kill that clown guy in the woods, you think it's him. It's like a five dimensional chess move to the audience. And it's shit. He hates it. But he does sound like clown shit. There's like a circus on the stage. He's pompous on the stage. And like accidentally does a clown routine

as he tries to like convince the fat ignorance of American general that there is in fact a nuclear bomb. Yeah, he goes over to the decadent western Berlin generals and he goes, there's a bomb in that cannon and they go, well, where else would it be? And he goes, no, no, generally. And he says, my favorite line, which is,

well dressed as a fucking clown, he says, I'm a British secret service agent. Yeah, you are, bitch. I badly need a screenshot of that with the subtitle on it. Because I feel like we're going to be using that a lot. I'm a British secret service agent. And now my best part of my routine is, I zip myself into this folder from the inside. I feel like we're gonna be using that a lot. I'm a British Secret Service agent. And my best part of my routine is I zip myself

into this hold-all from the inside. It's such a good life. So Bond tries to beg Octopusy for help on the basis that Camel and Olaf have betrayed her. She thought she was only doing some not even illegal diamond smuggling. But instead, she's actually been doing unethical nuclear bombs smuggling. Yeah, a highly illegal nuclear bomb set off, which is very illegal.

And so, Bob was trying to like fight his way through to the bomb through like chaos as the like Air Force police tries to arrest him And oxypussy is the one to like open the thing and reveal the the existence of the bomb which bond Disarms pretty anti-climaxically. Yeah There is a tiger kitten in the scene though Which is adorable and you might be asking a very bad question. What's happening to Magda, the character from earlier? She's holding a tiger kitten.

She's just sort of around. She's dressed in a very Alice-8 outfit, which is the top hat and the, yeah. Yeah, no, she's wearing a certain kind of tree. I need to see the boots to make it work. But also there's another analyst played out for earlier, because when Kamal was on the train with Octopus and he tells one of Octopus's henchwomen to like look after her.

And that woman is a slim blonde wearing a black Pilotka and a great hertleneck. And I wrote that down in my notes as hello. And again, the spray ball. My only notes from here on out just say, the rest of the Bond film happens, I don't care. The rest of the Bond film happens. Because they've diffused the bomb,

the stakes are over, but they have characters that they need to kill. So, Camel has escaped. He's not gonna do the thing that the henchmen usually do of like trying to ambush Bond while he fucks a lady on the way home He just try to tell you what though There is there is quite a funny moment where Camille and Gabinda they make their excuses to the general before the bomb explodes Because they're about right. We're gonna get the fuck out of here So they say well, we'll see you later. And they go and they get in their car to drive away.

And Gabbinda starts the car and it doesn't start. And they live a really good life. Look at each other and he tries it again and it does. And I was like, oh, that's quite key. There's another one. There's another one too. Another little moment of nervousness, which is well, before they leave, Gabbinda has been assigned to guard the bomb.

So he's like, just standing by the box that it's in. And he checks to make sure that it's locked and then a little Well-later a group of circus performers come past and he like jumps out He springs around from around the corner in like a combat stance and then it goes like he just you can't like checks It's really good. It's a great physical comedy. There's another moment later on as well where they're both in the car And the driving away and this is nipping back in a timeline a little and they see Bond driving towards the circus and the commander goes that's Bond and can't just goes like yeah he's gonna die in a nuke who cares I can't get going. I'm not going back. Yeah. Who cares? He isn't retired to a safe distance.

That's right. I'm gonna get killed by the the David Crocker. So so bond Like bond is now off screen. We're not we're not interested in bond or interested in is is octopus because octopus And her group of Women so this is cult women. This is Live and let know it isn't it's you only live twice and the fucking ninjas who just attack the base It's just that but women sexy ninjas Circus skills to attack Kamal's palace where Bond was helping her out. Yeah, they're doing flips and shit now There is there is one bit where a large man and a leotard simply kicks open a door like a mini-phos And I my notes my notes for this simply say big guy alert and then we never see him again

Yeah, I just read a second large man has impacted the James Bond And then he just doesn't appear again Cutscene where he like kicks open a door he goes and then we really does get like a fucking boss cutscene He's like my least favorite archetype in video games the character who like has a heavy machine gun and a bunch of armor you have to shoot off of him You just like arrives on the scene anyway So like the the women and the like incredibly incredibly tight jumpsuits are and like various like silks. Also, the movie has remembered that they're like supposed to be from India, question marks, so they're wearing like belly dancer shit half the time. Yeah.

It's like a couple of them wearing coins on a head dress, with not fucking a veil. Right. It's bad. It's really bad. So Bond and Q arrive on the scene in a union flag hot air balloon. Now I have written here once again. I hit off the whole bastard.

Do do dot wav. I don't even have a non-joke. It's just bad. Octopus he gets ballooned non-joke. Hot air non-joke. Octopus he gets kidnapped by Kamala escaped. Bond chases them on horseback. Q inadvertently saves some sexy ladies.

It's a point before that where Bond is like chasing after them and he has to shoot his way out. And he picks up an AK. And seeing Roger Moore handle an AK gives me the exact same feeling as the moment in the like the tintin movie where tintin pulls out a photo realist. It's just like, I know this is corrected the moment in the like the tintin movie where tintin pulls out a photo realist.

It's just like I know this is correct into the source material but it's a very weird combination of vibes. Yeah. It's a very strange thing to see. So I suppose he gets kidnapped because Gabinda just like hits it really hard and then ties her up and like throws her over his shoulder. Yeah, because she's a woman. I mean, goals, but also anyway. So, so Gabbinder and Camel get on a plane a little like two engine for Palo plane. And they're about to make their escape to, we do not know where. Bond jumps onto the back of that plane.

Wearing. Yeah, outside. Yeah, wearing a parachute under his suit, clearly, in every shot, which is great. He looks like he looks like kingpin in the fucking spider-man into the multiverse. And also being a different man. Yeah, he does a different guy. Yeah, he does a different guy. Can I please describe how how Gubinda goes out? My favorite thing that Gubinda ever does in this movie.

Yeah, you just be so sorry. Okay, so Kamal tries to shake him off and it doesn't work. And Bond's like crawling around on the outside trying to disable the plane. And Kamal goes, he turns to Gubinda and he goes, he's gonna kill us all. Get out there and kill him. Yeah. And Gabbinder, for the first time in this movie, hesitates for a second, it goes like

out there. You sure? You sure, chief? Yeah. And then like an absolute dawn. He got, yeah, all right. So, so Gabbinder climbs out onto the outside of the fucking plane. Knife between the teeth. And he starts again, James Bond holds his own against a guy who's been shown to crush Dyson his hand largely because this guy insists on using a bladed weapon that he is entirely untrained to use. He's just sort of like flipping a knife at him and bond. And Bond, he pulls back the fucking antenna,

the little metal antenna on the top of the plane and flicks it into Gubinda's face and that knocks him off the plane and he dies. Yep. And I have just written here, what a fucking bitch made way to go out. Gubinda, Kronstein Reset rescinded Recinded no nothing that's going above and beyond the call of duty like

No, I don't I I'll argue against this when it comes to it, but I think that that genuinely is such a fucking loser way to die genuinely is such a fucking loser way to die. That if believe removes the bond bond rescues, I'll suppose you from the plane, they dive out of the moving plane just in a way to like survive when Camel like dives it over the edge of a cliff. Neither of them die. He pulls her up from a cliff and then they fuck on her boat full of... Come on, crashes.

Yeah, come on, come on, crash into wall four and I've written this literally no reason. Yeah, just... A Titan receive. A plot set of these really die now. My man just fucking hits a wall and dies and that's the end of the movie. Yes. If you're really into a attack and receive lately. I love attack and receive. So, my notes say, well that was shit.

Yeah, that was shit. Yes. So, that's how Roger Moore goes out. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not.

No, it's not the last one. It's not the last one because he did one more. And that is, he's a boy. A boy. A boy. A boy. A boy. A boy. A boy. He did one more, and that is a view to a kill. Oh, I didn't know that was him. Durand, Durand, team, baby.

I'm glad this isn't how Roger Murger said. And I am based on the principle that Roger Murger's bond films are like one shit, one good. I'm hoping the last one for him is good. This conforms to the rule, right? Like, terrible. He, yeah, draw, draw, dress, don't watch it. It's been sex with Octopussy and they're on the boat and it calls back

the, the, they're growing it and the chant is in, out, in, out. Yeah, they cut the thing, having sex. Right. And that's, that's the movie that's that's Octopussy. Now, movie Octopussy Now we have a science based racing system on this podcast. We call it the scum system and scum stands for SMAM cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. And we rate these things on a score out of seven in order to determine empirically which is the worst on movie and which is the best or least worst. So last time Fiora has only had a devastatingly low score of eight making it the best so far tied with on her Majesty's Secret Seven. How do we feel this time?

Oh Jesus. That's small. You know what? He doesn't actually do that many fucking one liners. No. Compared to previous ones. No, he doesn't really. The most important in action is this. He gets this with like M or with money, Panty, and both are kind of expected.

That, that, and the, this should keep you in curry. And the ones that he says the entire way through there were pretty sure this happens in India, sequence one and two. Yeah, and also this sexual discrimination I'll have to play to visit. The, in the drive he's quipping to no one. Like, I don't know, I would go like a four or five. I think it's definitely higher than last time. I'd say four. I'd come to any.

Four? Yeah, okay. Easily. We're now into the come part of the spectrum. Are you ready for a few weeks? There I ask. Cultural and sensitivity. The only question genuinely is, what did we score live and let

die for cultural insensitivity? I think that died was in nine. I think that I think this could be in yeah I think this could be either an eight or a nine and I'm willing to go nine. I don't know if it's quite as bad as I know. I want to. We live in think but I you'd you'd have a hard time arguing me any lower Like two white guys having a fucking fight in India and the only people who die are Indians Yeah, but one of them is pretty fast Which is great Good point good point. Oh, I can see eight then Unprovoked a violence.

I mean, right, there's a right, there's a right. There's a right. There is a right, but again, I think it falls under misogyny. What did we say? Did we say that for Goldfinger? I think we gave it a couple of points for unprovoked violence for sexual violence. Okay. Other than that, though, is there a whole lot?

I generally don't think there's that many bond barely kills anyone except for a couple of East German guys that he just perfectly shoots in the head. Yeah. Yeah. He shoots a couple of goons, but they're shooting at him already. Yeah, they were trying to kill him. I think it's pretty low, honestly, for unprovokes, pretty low. Apart from whatever he did to that man.

Yeah, but whatever the fuck he did to that man, which again, I just want to post guard. Yeah, we don't know. Does he, he doesn't, no, he doesn't take out a clown, he just steals his costume. So I guess, I don't know, how do we feel about it? Three, is that, Well, he does, he does kill an entire hanger full of Cubans.

You're right. But he doesn't do that. And he doesn't do much of Miss Isle at him. So it's somewhat Yes true, but it is different Cubans, the guy who was saluting him Yeah, and also he only they only launch a missile at him because he's doing Espionage shit in their country say it's say four Sure, okay, I can see that now misogyny. Woo. Oh boy.

Well, what are we rate? Well, that's a fucking textual rape. The last textual rape was gold figure at an eight, which was, that seems like a corrective one. Yeah. Well, it's like one more than full marks. So I think I can give this to a small to seven. Yeah. Well, it's like one more than full marks. I think we can give this to seven.

Yeah. We think we can give this seven. I think we can. I think we can get another one. The rate is not corrective this time. I mean, it's hard to say that's better. The rate isn't corrective. I'm not going to sit here.

There is a lot of like women as like props in this film. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm not going to sit here and way up between different genres of rapes, which is worse, but like, yeah, I'm happy to give it 70 years. 70's, reasonable to me. Sure. OK, well, that gives us a total score of eight.

I'm going to double check this, because I've had a bit to drink. That's reasonable. I totally have them. I'm very sober right now. I've had a bit to drink. That's reasonable. I totally haven't. I'm very sober right now. Mm. D-D-D-D-D-D-D. It's a, I can't be right. And then did a new Bond detector.

I don't know. It's a score of 23, which is pretty bad. That's like the second worst more film, the worst something that I've never that die. It's even with Goldfinger. more film than we're something that we never that die. It's even with Goldfinger. I would say about average to high for the Bond films. Sounds about right. Yeah. Yeah. It's reasonable. It's just not good. The problem with this movie to me was that it's like a perfect encapsulation of the dying hembers of rural Britannia. And then just goes to India and he sort of just makes everything worse for everyone. Yeah. And then they're like limply bat at the Soviet Union. It's such a, it's such a perfect lens for which to examine the 80s from a British perspective.

And I think the film is still for dads, but those dads are now Meena and Hania. And Hania, because they have gotten older, they have all bought the council houses that they used to live in and they've become landlords. And like, it's just, it's just been like a Meena film. We are haunted by Margaret Thatcher. Do you, Margaret, the Archers, they don't go to Italy at any point during this and also there's no boat chase. The other thing is you sort of pointed at it earlier but we never made it explicit. Q is also beset upon by beautiful women during one of his scenes and it's such a strength

because you can tell that the target audience of this bond movies have grown older from the previous one, spend no longer interested in votes. They're interested in knowing that young women find older men attractive, which is what is repeatedly put in front of us is like, people will see Roger her. My man be looking old as fuck. He's got like little livers and shit and they're going like damn Wonder if he'd dick be hard and they do the same to cue No, it's like straining it. It do not. It do not. It don't be it raw don't be well

Well well What can we do? Good night cross the VJ What are we are we really fucking gonna Cross of EJ. Good night, Cross of EJ. Good night, Cross of EJ. What are we? Are we really fucking gonna deprive Ghibner of the cronstein rose at all? I don't think we should. Give it to him. We're also gonna get it. Yeah, there's no other fucking villains apart from that.

That's slightly smaller cronstein rose at. There's no other villains apart from fucking like yo-yo Circular Sorghite and he are 100%. Yeah, I will not be getting the cr getting because he knows that. So I guess Gobinda just threw a lack of other candidates. So what do we do next time, Alice? Well our next mainline episode is

views to a kill. No, no, no, fuck, is it? No, don't tell the weird mother. It's never, I think it's time. Never again. Have you any of you in the audience ever watched? No, I'm not. I'm not. What if we did it again?

But worse. We're gonna get Milo Edwards back. Because guess who's coming back? Yeah, Milo Edwards. Guess who's coming back for one more bite of the cherry. It's Sean Connery, baby. He did one more. And my God. It's Milo Edwards due to baby. He did one more. And my God. My low edwards due to the

curse that we have put upon my low edwards, he asked, watch this adaptation of Thunderball. Once more. Yep. We're back. More underwater photography. More piss rockets. Far back. I'm a guest. I'm old. He does not piss. He does not come. He does not piss. He does not calm. I'm not a guest. He does not calm. We're going back. We're going back. We're going back. I'm not. We're doing never say never again, baby. No, I'm not right.

That's right, baby. We have to. It's on the contract. We have to talk about every Bond film. That includes the non-Eon ones, which will include at some point. No, Eon one. No, it will have to include Casino Royale at some fucking point. Oh, God. It's going to have to have the niven Casino Royale.

This has been Kill James Bond. I have been Alice called Wokelly. Joining me have been Abigail Thorne and Devon. And the next mainline episode is going to be the hellscape that is I another day. No, it isn't. What the fuck did I say, Dye? You got fasting brain.

You need to go and eat it. It's never saying never again. Never saying never saying never again. Never saying never again. Never saying never again. Never again. Never again. Never again.

Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. ever again they like lilo movies they like fucking never just read out here enough dyes tomorrow kill another never kill another never dyes say finger the octopus the time to say one to the gold finger

it's top secret thanks Nate thanks once again for helping us through this you're the real idiot. Thank you for listening to another episode of Kill James Bond. If you have genuinely any idea what Bond did to that guy. Please, Christ let us know. That will be haunting me forever. This, of course, as we are entering into August, marks the end of the banquet of forgiveness.

So if you're excited to listen to our next bonus episode next week, which is the Saint 1997 starring Val Kilmer, you will have to go to patreon.com slash kill James Bond and give us sub god damned money you freeloader. Speaking of course of patrons, we would be nothing if not for our 15 pounds above patrons and those are paint macala jack Jack Holmes, George Rohack, Amanda Rockda, Sol, Bobby Liggas, Drom, Nikki, Caroline Tankers, Lee Beno Rice, Amber DeGrazia, Jay Martin Dell, Jack Bushel, Pete Snorrison, Kentucky Frieda Komi, Mothman, Field Commissar,

Gen Gen, Big Tiddy Goth Girl, Larry Kins, Trip, Top O, Timothy Pajorny, Elizabeth Cox, Zoe Shepp, but Jonas Schwamburg, David Wickram, Rayal Leal, Richard Drum, James Nattman, Robin Morgan, Josh Simmons, and Kynu 92. What a fucking who's who of who's best. We have a t-shirt currently available, it's the George Layson B1 you can head to killjamesbond.com slash store and preorder that for a mere 25 smackers or if you are a patron you check your Patreon inbox you will find a code for 5 pound off. Killjamesbond will return in two weeks time for never say never again, starring

Milo Edwards, our resident Thunderball correspondent. But if that is simply too long to wait, of course our Patreon does have the same, as mentioned earlier, coming out next week. This has been Kill James Bond starring Alice, Aversandum, Abigail Thorn and Devon. Our producer, as always, next week. You