Upstream - Episode 14: Never Say Never Again

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

Due to a frankly ridiculous set of legal decisions, Some Guy was found by the British high court to have the rights to the movie Thunderball, including Blofeld et al. This man, with the fervor of a truly divorced guy, set out to make not only a Bond film, but the coolest Bond film he could imagine, within the extremely strict parameters set out by the British high court. Since the court ruled that the only movie he could make was Thunderball again, we brought back friend of the show Milo Edwards from our Thunderball episode to give it another go! You can find Milo at https://twitter.com/Milo_Edwards His podcasts include Trashfuture https://twitter.com/trashfuturepod and Masters of Our Domain https://twitter.com/mastersofpod AND UK viewers can book tickets to his upcoming live show on the 24th of August HERE! https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/milo-edwards-voicemail-preview-tickets-167077291677 Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Things have been awfully dull round here. Pure a craft run in the old place, everything done by the book. Can't make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you're off this. I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence. Welcome back to Kill James Bond. I am Alice Goldwell Kelly joining me Devon. Evergale Thorn and the trash future and masters of our domain's own Milo Edwards. We got you back in after watch.

After we talked to you by making you watch Thunder Ball, we got you back in the Thunder Ball too. Two Thunder Ball. The movie that exists due to like a weird legal hiccup in the Bond cannon was not made by the same company. Or to the same standard. Corn, Connery, backhouse of R... No, but they just... Corn, Connery, backhouse of retirement to do it. It is never, say, never... They should get never.

I mean, you know, I am so fucking it's really hard. Not only had I seen Thunderball before, but I'd also seen this fucking shit before, but I was substantially more nine years old when I watched it than I was this time. And let me tell you, it's not, it doesn't do well on the rewatch. Yeah. It starts off, it starts off very fast. It takes you straight into like the opening thing. And my first note here simply says, imagine having a budget. Like even the film stock looks cheap. Yeah, it's a very ugly looking film. There's no gun barrel intro. There's no 007 theme because they didn't have the rights to that. No,

which is just like an unofficial bond. Yeah, they have an absolutely dog shit song. And the song placed over the like opening bit, which is James Bond, an aged, incredibly sweaty Sean Conorick. So sweaty. He shimmers. He's like, they've been sprayed with glittering. Infiltrates a building in South America. Kill some goons.

Yeah, he just like rips through a far cry. Yeah. Yeah, finds a woman tied to a bed cuts her free. Like a smash bay for me. Yeah. And in some truly weak ass bondage in both senses, he cuts her free and she stabs him to death. And that's the movie. So we'll see you in two weeks time. On you've been blinded by your love of pussy again. How would we do if that was the ending to you and us? Did we tell you? No, they did the fucking...

They did the fucking... What they did was they did the from Russia with love shit to him again, where it's like, oh, you think they've killed Bond, but it's actually a training exercise. And so we immediately smash cut to M, but also not really, it's Edward Fox. Agent Twunk M. This guy, this guy sounds like Dev's impression of M. Like, that is sick of me. That's sick of me.

I was gonna remember all this, it's sick of your ancestral! It's not the song! He fucking hates Bond so much, and it's the purest shit in the book. And he chews Bond out for getting killed in this war game exercise thing. And we get our first big dose of ideology of which there's a loss in this movie, because he tells him. The nautical revolutionist, kidnabist kidnap a millionaires daughter and hold a captive eight weeks. Of course, he's got to be brainwashed.

He's a bloody trickle bond. She's not an essay as operative. She's a tartan Christ say. What do you think? A week of will. And so they he sort of argues with bond because we learn that this new M hates the double O program because they're too cool and they're Dix are too big. Yeah, yeah, like he more or less like all of his dialogues like no, listen here, but I'm a pussy and I had six or seven large drinks But lunch, which I mean that how I imagine MI6 actually is

probably which I mean that tower imagine MI6 actually is. Probably. So he sends bond on vacation as punishment. But he sends him on cock vacation. Yeah, he makes the only good call M has ever made, which is he takes one look at this aged man dripping martini sweat and is like, one look at this aged man dripping martini sweat. And it's like, yeah, no, you are not in any condition to be doing any of the shit we're paying you. Listen, I'm gonna have to go on the wiggler until I'm satisfied at your better. Ah, I don't remember this.

You found us, Sashon Connery. He looks in better shape in this than he did in diamonds off forever. And I will mention a younger man at this point, well, at all points, then Roger Moore. And yeah, he still, he still looks older. Yeah, fucking Conry was 52 in this movie and they had him play like the Ritiah, double, meanwhile, Roger Moore was 53 your eyes only, 55 in October, even 57 in due to a kill.

Oldest, cunt alive, fantastic. So, so Emma's just like, I might be old, but I'm still a horny. I made this observation in the last three episodes, but like, as 007 has gone older, the script writers have slowly made every woman on earth insanely horny for old men. Yeah.

And it does the same fucking shit in this movie. Like all women are looking at this decrepit old bastard and going, fuck, but for shits. We have to, we have to forget. But this is the way women have gone in real life. It's just these folks were ahead of that time. That's true. Like in the 70s, I don't think women were like this, but now you show a woman a decrepit old man. She's like, hell yeah. Yeah. We have to get

born to the wiggler, which means M is just like my milf Sir a young man's game now. You're going on mandatory leave in order to become gay. He drives his old ass Bentley, like a 1930s Bentley to this health clinic. And fully just gets it like, oh, they don't make him like that anymore kind of trad moment about the car and then about himself. It's really metaphor 101. It's real bad. They go. Yeah, because they have. They have a guy look at the car saying, I don't make them that anymore. And Bond goes, yeah, it's still in good shape. And I thought that was quite It's real bad. They go. Yeah, because they have the guy look at the car saying, I don't make a man anymore and Bond goes, yeah, it's still in good shape.

And I thought that was quite a sweet moment. Yeah, I enjoyed that. But then immediately they cut to him being handled by a doctor who says, oh, they don't make them like you anymore, but you're still in good shape. And I'm like, yeah, I got it. I don't know. It was halfway through writing pretty nice line and then writing out a factor. To give you an idea of what this sort of like doctor's vibe is, he tells them,

I love his work, I have to read a bit of it, Rachel, it's to re-educate you. I want to open your mind to the virtues of nutrition, proper exercise, meditation, and hopefully spiritual enlightenment. We're gonna make... ...bombs... ...a soy boy. We're gonna make him cucked. Yeah.

That's right. I love this. Now look here, Bond, We're gonna make you a part. Can I make him cucked? Yeah. That's right. I love this. Now look here, Bond, you're going to be doing yoga with Adrian. It's a friend of ours from the American service. Try and breathe all of the love in Bond, and then all of the love out. Money pennies in this one, but they didn't get the rights to her name until part by through filming, I think, because when he comes out of M's office, he quite clearly calls her a different name in the word money penny is then dubbed it.

Yeah, the dubbing on this is also terrible. Oh, horrendous. Yeah. They had codes to go back to our code name, megaposite, which fortunately lip syncs the sound of a small burn. So Bond checks into the clinic to become gay and he's kind of like different about this. And we have to go very short waiting list though. You know, it was better back in the day. So we have to go for a ride on to

specter having a secret meeting. And we are introduced to the character that I would be cooking about the most. In this episode and all future episodes. Yeah. Her name is Fassima Blush. She is incredible. I love her. She's my favorite Bond character so far. She's a goddamn anime villain.

It's amazing. It's amazing. It was like, Aless, I think I have a character you like. Yes. Yes. I'm not sure if I can explain facemars vibe yet other than to say that she walks into this meeting wearing and like an ankle length fur coat Everybody else there is like a guy in a suit She's got like a fascinator on and she's just having a great time. She's loving it

Yeah, spector's budget. Fatima blush definitely the hottest woman in the middle of the song. Fescent feather hat, red siletto nails like wing collar shirt, pearls and this like when we say it's like a fur coat it's made of like several small dead animals that you can clearly see. It's not one thing it It's like about 40 dead men cross something. I've gone into this. It's amazing.

Like she just run through a zoo the way Sean Connery did through that South American man. She went with the submachine gun. Yeah, she's, oh, absolutely. Yeah. The budget is both so much higher than it was before and also so much lower because the shit they're talking about, they're like, yeah, we fucking replaced some guy's eye with the president's eye. And also they're doing it in

like a small back room. Yeah. In a small back room, we see Blowfeld who is Max Fonsido. He appearing in this movie, really co-voisted for the lines they give him. Yeah, mad. And he fills them in on the plot, which genuinely, I did a double take at this point. So I was like, oh, hey, Max von Siddhar, that's cool. I always enjoy him in movies. What's he going to tell us about this operation? I wonder what this operation is called. Aristeme number one, is in complete charge of the entire operation,

which will henceforth be called the Tears of Allah. He pronounces Allah. Perfectly that to be fair. The Tears of Allah. Yeah, all right. At this point, and I'm like, okay, fine. I'm sitting fully forward in my chair

and waiting to see where they go. If there's no, just don't, for the moment. We're going to make the West Muslim. That's our plan now. And gay. And yeah, yeah. That's right. So they have a, they're doing a Thunderball thing again. So they've they've gotten this pilot. Instead of doing the double thing, they've taken the existing pilot.

And they've gotten him addicted to heroin, which means I do have a drop of Max Fonsid, I was saying heroin in a weird voice. So please enjoy that. Harwin! That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Thanks. So they get this guy on to heroin.

And then we've got him scagged up. Isn't crazy the doughless They perform a surgery on him To replace his eye with a perfect copy of the US president's eye Yep, which is seriously fucked up looking so I don't know what the president looks like, but yeah It's like a the sort of terminator to I, but Fortunately, the president has very big eyes much bigger than yours. I'll still.

So this guy is going to be checked into this same rehab clinic that bonds that, where he will be controlled by the, the, the heroin and also Fatima, who's going gonna be there in disguise as a nurse. Oh boy, yes. I have written here. Hello, nurse. I have underlined that three times. Yeah, she's rocking the nurse outfit, but also we see the sort of dynamics of their coercive relationship because this Air Force officer tries to sneak a cigarette.

And she just absolutely beats the shit out of him. It rules. It rules so much. And this at this point in the movie, I could just hear Alice going, Shrek Blanz, Clint. Yeah. Shrek in.

Yeah. It's fully, because she has such a like dumb aesthetic that it's like, you were ordered not to smoke because it's going to like fuck up your president eye. And then just, just concerned with smoking. Yeah. And then we're all of the packages of cigarettes in the UK now. We can't abandon us like a fucking a missur, right? A missur, I suppose.

In the 28th on the pussy clock by the way. The bond to us all ready because it's fucking a missur. And we just hear them here from a room across a courtyard, fast and kicking the absolute fuck. It's very carry on as well. She's doing it so exaggerates for like four two or three minutes longer that it really needs to to convey the point that she's like a sexual beating. And then she says if you are if you practice like entering the code that we need you to enter later on, Alice, I'm guessing that you got.

I didn't get any drops from this because I was too horny. So she says if you get this right and you can enter the code in 12 seconds, then I'll give you some heroin. But the way she says it is Yeah, I didn't like that. It's the only one I prefer the least thing. Yeah, of course. Bond sort of like, what does he fucking do? He spies on all of this shit and he like half his their entire plan about the only thing. Well, it's great as fucking spy.

He leans across and just perfectly pulls the pulley on the fucking, like the blind, blind, he pulls the pulley on the blind, it shoots right up in front of a blush. It's like, that's James Bond. Yeah, that's like that. It's in fucking hell. They're like locked immediately. That's James Bond, code name 007.

I am gonna have to have in hauls. Everyone knows this guy on site. The guy watching me beat the pilot and jacking off. That's James Bond. Yeah, that, that, you see that man getting topped by a maceur. That's James Bond. They can start having laser-match the night of the day. I'm so glad you said it was a carry on film. I like, it really fucking is. Like Bond, yeah. Sort of like goes about his business the next day. And the doctor's like, oh, you look a bit tired. And Bond says, yeah, I was up all night.

Um, fucking. A herbal animal should fix you up. This clinic where you become gay. That should get all the come out of your ass, Bond. Err. So, so Bond has to like be wiggled at this point. Yeah. And I was so mad, right, because they deprived us of the wiggled at this point. Yeah, and I was so mad, right, because they deprived us of the wigler.

Yeah, they cut the horse. The best part of Thunderball is that. Wiggler, he's instead we just have a classic, like a bigger guy fight. We see this, but they just send a big guy. This time it's Piano Valley, which is very cool. Bond is using a kind of like motorized, like set of weights. He's on a Smith machine, weak shit, fuck you. Yeah, and just do a bunch of.

How lippy, I guess. It doesn't really count me. Yeah, exactly massive when he looks Australian. I don't know. Yeah, sounds South African, looks Australian, big dudes, fuck. Yeah, jerk, vandex. I don't know. Yeah. Sounds South African, looks Australian, big dudes, fight. Yeah, jerk, van beckler. He fights like a wrestler.

Like, Drond gets the shits. And the bar on his neck completely kicked out of him. Yeah, well, two things here. First of all, the succession of faces that Sean Connery makes when the bar is dropped on his neck is very funny. Second of all, Sean Connery is still a better actor at fighting than Roger Muir is right. And so he sells all of this better. He gets his ass kicks by this guy.

Yeah, I was quite concerned in this scene and I'm throughout the entire film because now that Sean Connery is in his 50s, he just looks exactly like my real father. He just, he's a dead ringer. So whenever he's a toddler, a dad, no! Watch out! Why is he too big? Stop fighting! His piano barely beating on my dad, their friends, they like each other. This is all weird. There is one other thing that I wanted to pull out

from this fight scene, which is a bond opens a closet door to hit the guy in the face with, and he makes the perfect Minecraft noise. He goes, which I appreciate a lot. I also like the way he holds his nose afterwards, but just with a flat palm. Yeah, just like he's doing the like cute Chinese girl laugh. It's that, it's that, that pose. This, I really like this fight scene, just largely because it was like a fucking man from Hong Kong level of every single prop on screen is destroyed. Yes.

It's really good. It's really good. I forgot that we had a check-off's gun that was set up earlier, which is when Bond is like initially introduced to the become gay clinic, there's a nurse who's like, Mr. Bond, I need a urine sample. So, yeah, the way he defeats Liffey and I presume kills him is by throwing a vial of his own piss into his eye. Yeah, and Lippie responds like it's fucking acid. Yeah, he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's going on, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's going on there?

What is stopping Hong Kong's drugs so much? So many venereal diseases that his pierce is basically hydrofluoric acid That man has had so many martinis and so many fucking lines of coat that that piss would kill a rhino Bond throws his piss in his face and gives him instantly 11 STIs and a kind of heavy metal poisoning Here's a fort unknown to science Fantastic he stumbles backwards gets us off stabbed on glass. Whatever Yeah. Next time we will have to sense a burqain piss guy to kill Bond. He will be immune to this attack. Okay, so Bond gets yelled at by M for like destroying the clinic where you become gay. Yeah, I'm fucking

hate to turn other agents gay, Bond. You think you're the only one who needs force feming? gay bond. You think you're the only one who needs force, femming. But meanwhile, we're going to cut to basically the same shit from Thunderbolt, the Royal Air Force, except there are Americans now. The guy who is addicted to heroin uses his weird robot-looking eye to do a sort of like a switch, right? He switches live nuclear warheads into like dummy missiles. The USF also going to use for training, for like a training exercise. Reasonable plan, fine. As long as you forget about the President, I think. Probably pretty good.

Yeah, as long as nobody checked it, it doesn't turn up on the computer at all. That these are now live. It's it's instead of like landing the whole plane in the water. They're going to like land the missiles in the water and then take the warheads out of them. Find rocket. Fall down. That's true. That is true.

So having having achieved his. His God, can I describe? Yes, fucking. So we were we bear fucking witness to what I can only Having achieved his mission. God, can I describe? Yes, fucking. So we bear fucking witness to what I can only describe as the single greatest on-screen assassination I have never seen in my fucking life. Fucking good.

He's driving away from the place. Fatima pulls up beside him in a fucking convertible and she goes like, oh fuck you. We did it and he's like, yeah, and then she goes, look over there. And he turns around and she fucking over arm, chucks, a ball python for his window, and pausing him to immediately crash his car into a ball. And the point of doing the ball python thing isn't to kill him.

It's to make him cry. No, it's a crazy. He just crashes. He just car retrieves the python and then places some C4 in the car with him. You could have thrown the explosive. Perfect. Just a win. It's delightful. Absolutely. Well, 47 now now make your way to an necklace. Yeah, it's that's where it gets very carry on. Like if you were doing carry on spying, like throwing a snake in the car. And then the other one, oh that'd be, that would be the...

I don't have a drop of this, but the noise the guy makes when he sees the snake is like, he has no, no! Yeah, he yells, oh no. I want you to eat this. It's like, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, The president I make snakes look bigger and scarier. So they crashed the missiles. Emilio Largo's people, we don't see them yet, but they steal the missiles and then Blowfeld holds the world to ransom.

He doesn't believe what he says. Yeah, they retrieve the missiles out of the blue tropical waters of the English channel. Yeah. It's like a coral. And I'm like, I don't think that's what it looks like. And then we see the yacht for disco velanti. It looks great this time.

Now they didn't get the right to use the ice disco velanti. So they anglicized it to flying saucer. I will not be calling it this. But the disco velanti has this sort of laser thing that is some sort of logo that's two flags on it. And the same the same logo was on the matchbook that the guy was using despite the fact that Emma didn't want him to smoke Which is bizarre but the only way that Bond knows that that ship is connected

So he really did fuck all this shit. He really did deserve that be thing. Yeah Not in terms of how I got that matchbook. So, so, so, so, blowfotos like give us, you know, infinity billion dollars, or we will nuke both, uh, Washington DC and also, uh, all of the Middle East oil fields. Oh, well, yeah, it's a very ideology thing because the exact amount of money they ask for is something like a third of the money you make from oil per year. Actually, it's 25% of the money you spend on oil every year. Interested. Which are pretty reasonable actually, but then everyone in there does like fuck, where fuck do we do this? Greenpeace activist Emilio Lago. We also get an incredibly good ideology line, which is someone goes to says to the Foreign

Secretary, how are we going to stop panic going out on the streets? And he goes, listen, the only people that know about this apart from everyone in this room is the CIA and MI6. And then a guy goes, oh, fuck, it's all over the Kremlin then. Which is such a known online, I think, MI6. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah, fuck them. They give this to Bond, right? Reluctantly because M hates the double O program. And at this point, during the scene, I had to stop, I had to pause video, and I had to spend about, I would say, conservatively five minutes laughing,

because of something that is not in itself funny, but it is very funny to us, and to you, the regular listener. Oh, fucking yeah. Because Bond asks offhandedly, is there any way of like defending these places, right? Who else is is in on this? And M says, everyone's collaborating, the American's Yes! Has struck the kill James Bond podcast. Was this just how people said that? I'm sorry to believe that is the case.

What is this just happened? If you're not familiar with the originals from Yoni lived twice, well... Oh, he only used this rather odd mixture of styles when I refused to go entirely Japanese. But, wait, it just... The Japanese... Japanese...

It's just because people were just talking, however, the fuck they wanted, until about 1990. People were just fucking riffing, shitting it on language. Japanese. Yeah, I assume this is how many syllables... It's what, I'm sorry. They just. They just see all we're going to have to have your pain is checked.

But I'm doing to have to become gay. And he's just doing devs impression of that. Yeah. Seven you absolute cunt. So the struggle is a baby. So yeah, it's just like the Americans are helping the the Japanese are helping yeah whatever fine, but Bond still has to find these two nuclear warheads. And we we meet our villain, well our other villain Emilio Lago, brackets shit. Cause he's not as good as one. What an Italian man was from, was he from Bucharest? He's somewhat like Bavaria. Emilio Lago brackets Johannes von. Yeah, he's just like Euro trash.

They change his first name to Max Emilian. He doesn't have like a cool eyepatch anymore. He's like, he's like a business. He's just a weird looking guy. He's like a business twink now. Yeah. He's kind of more like one of a cake villains. He reminds me of Dominic Green from Condom of Solace.

Oh, yeah. Just like, he's a business guy. He's a bit weird. He's a bit boyish. Yeah. And we see him on his yacht, the disco valanter, not calling it the English time. Where he has like a command room for stonks, right?

Like he's tearing off his printer paper to just say like, oil, go up, whatever. Have you heard of GameStop, double a share? And he's like, no, I must retire. It's like my solitary weirdo chamber. I genuinely love this a lot. He's got like a little private office with gamer lighting. It has like RGB lighting.

It's quite RGB-ish in there. It does, it genuinely does. He's got like a backlit keyboard and two monitors in there. And. Oh yeah, he's playing Counter-Strike. It's Starcraft. And a two-way mirror where he watches as some 80 shit is happening. Oh, yeah. Do you want to explain that to me? I didn't call that two way mirror. Surely, if anything, it's a

one way mirror. I don't know. Well, I mean, it's just a bafflingly 80s thing. He's just, he's got a little special part where he watches his girlfriend, question mark, question mark, question mark, domino, new ballet with a guy. Domino who is the heroine guy's brother, well sister. Yeah. She's not that lucky. That's what you should be. She is a little bit. You should be more serious.

She's a little bit lucky to be fair. Kim Basinger in 1983, clocky, that is the verdict of kill James Bond by simple majority. All women were trans, but we talk a little bit about Kim Basinger as a bond girl because it feels like even the bond girl is like kind of low, like the bond girl looks like your mom's friend.

Oh, oh, God, she, your mom's friend who like tries to invagle her into a multi-level marketing set. Yeah, yeah. She does that. She's been named gilly. You can be selling insects.

Yeah. Your mom's friend has gotten divorced at 40 and is hitting the gym hard. And hanging out at bars with younger men. That is kind of, but your economy is like are woo-growing every time she comes into the room. And it's like, she's a milk. This is your target demographic.

But it's weird, because she looks like a milk. She's casted like a milk. But she's written like BB down from... Yeah, she's written like she's twirling. I'm gonna get it. Yeah, she's got this weird like child brain thing. I don't know why. Yeah, because that's how Domino is intundable.

It's wonderful, it makes more sense because Domino's supposed to be super young. And also in that movie, she's supposed to be Largo's like ward or whatever, like his adoptive daughter, which is like it makes him creepier. Whereas here she's just kind of like his girlfriend. It is weird, but she is blonde and she is American. And I'm a woman of rules.

Oh my God. Well, I actually regret seating the floor there, but... Oh my God. She's at a lift by a code. I respect it, you have a code. Yeah, it's a simple code. In that case. In that case, Ian clad ethics, I respect it.

He walks in and gives her a necklace that he also refers to as the tears of Allah. She explains as the prophet cried in the desert or something and it made a well and Allah isn't the prophet. That's a different guy. Whatever finds good, it's cool. It's a bond plot, whatever. He does a decent job of being creepily, creepily sort of abusive.

He's like, he gives her the thing and he's like, this is the most expensive thing that I own. And she says, well, what if I leave you? And he just said, what about this massive fucking yacht that we're on? How is this necklace worth more than that? Yeah, she goes, what if I leave you? And he instantly like slams a minor key on the keyboard. That's next to it. He's kind of like a Reddit guy.

He's like, make it. Yeah. He's like, gee jokes that aren't jokes. He's like, he got a ring on my mouth. He's like, crypto, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's going like, ha ha, unless. Now at this point, we got to talk about the scene that is going to fill the rest of the

podcast because. Oh, you know, this is a fucking got me. the scene that is going to fill the rest of the podcast because You as a fucking got me but but they didn't have the rights to cue a Desmond They didn't get Desmond Lohelen in the divorce and so and so cute is just this kind of like Look now listen to that blow seven is colder speedball Seven obviously you're my holding this strap for me. Ah Your contacts called Mary Poppins Such a First line I thought he was Australian. This is this is new cue nice to know even old cue can surprise one of you double os occasionally

It's like it's brain injury Michael K. Oh, I know double. Seven. Now listen, yeah, and it's supposed to play on the bloody dog. Seven. Nice. Again, you could just speak however you wanted back. I've been seeing a bit of this American girl who loves doing British assets.

You've been seeing and she's look American girl who loves doing British accents. Which bit of her have you been seeing? And she is. Look, let's not, let's not get too specific. This is going really good. And she is not blonde. She's terrible at a British accent. And then the first thing I thought was this is, this is exactly Julie's attempt to the British accent.

Oh, it double-o-seven. It looks a lot of watch, but double-o-seven. It looks like a watch bachelor. It's a laser. No, it's a conference. I'm going to check. You make a call. This fake cue. I shut the fuck up before I come back there and get in out your boops. You may remember that in the actual, like, the main bond movies at this point, Q is like in comical labs in like the country that they go to. Like they go to India. He's got an Indian lab or whatever.

This is yeah, you got the contractual Q scene. Yeah, this Q is working out of like like a garage. Right. He looks like it looks like it's under a railway arch. Yeah, he also does like gear boxes. Yeah. It's, oh, you've had some right cowboys for a 007. Doesn't have any like, consistent side that it's just him.

On the ology. That's because like, I guess we're supposed to believe that like the double-o program has been like, wound down a little bit, so there's not really any need for this shit anymore. But still though, all the shit the queue says is like, my fucking sinuses just killing me. Also, Britain is too communist.

Yeah, it's decline, decline is the fact that. Osterity queue. There's a bit where he's like, you can't even get your parts you want because there's always a strike. He says some shit about, I'm not ideology and full fucking caps in my notes. Oh my God, yeah.

We got a little bit of it. But the Tories are in power. This is 19, 1983, and I will come back to this because he says two more things that I want to draw out. Thing number one, he's bitching about like his pay and shit. And this is the conversation that in shoes. We're both humble servants of the crown, Aljardy. Where's the CIA made me enough or I'd be off like a shot, unlimited resources, air conditioning,

28 flavours of ice cream in the restaurant. Longed women, you know what I say. No, air conditioning is also a weird line because the complaint he made previously that led, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Jesus Christ is bad as hell. Yeah, of course. It's a school dinner that you're still eating in your forties. Yeah, but still though, this is very much like kind of woman. America is the next superpower. They are on the way. Britain is shit. Britain is over.

And yeah, no, I don't know. It's really weird because there's this idea that we're like, not showvenin-est-enough anymore and the big fucking hit of ideology is this line, right? Things have been awfully dull around here. Pure of crafts running the old place, everything done by the book can't make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you're on this. I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence. And I get this. Do you want to fuck, Bart? This came out the year after

the Falklands war. Yeah. When we did do some gratuitous as violence, basically just because we felt like it. Yeah, in order to be cool. Yeah, this is totally like, this queue is like written from an alternate universe where the labor party dominated the fucking 1980s. And it's such a fucking crying because you got what you wanted, kind of. Yeah, but there's still kind of like kicking left. And this film is, I mean, not to spoil while we're going too much with this,

but this film, I wouldn't say it's like explicitly fascist, but like it's going on some like questionable message boards and in particular It's obsessed with like male decline and like really is the state as as go the state of men So goes the state of the nation and like bond is like We should be fair with the aim of sure Connery in this one. Yeah, but like it's like oh man are like cocked and they're not strong anymore And like we need a strong man to come back. It's a strong man such as Sean Connery. Yeah, it's like doing in sale shit. Like yeah, the film is, the film isn't very insecure about its gender,

which I mean what, were you on the record cast? Nah, the thing is 007 and the ARMI6 it don't let you get an ointment. Is any more the least better? Oh, but it's a very present. Not even that, I don't know. I'm not sure anymore, because of the fucking Labour party. So, I think you can sort of take that from the reason where this film was even made in the first place,

being like a catee dickhead. So, Kevin McClory, even he and Fleming wrote the script for Thunderball sort of together as a experiment, they were thinking about writing a movie and it didn't go through and eventually in Fleming turned those notes into Thunderball the book, which was then adapted into the movie. But McClory was mad as shit about this because he helped write that and didn't get any credit. So he sued claiming that actually, like, specter, blowfeld, thunderball, all of these shit were his. And eventually it was given to him.

So he made a bond film to try to keep up that fucking copyright like Sony does with some of the money. That's why it has this like divorced dad vibe. Yeah, I'm like, oh, this is this is my new my new girlfriend. Never say never again. And she's actually way cooler. Um, the British I caught essentially will like, yeah, you can make a bond film, but it has to be Thunderball again.

So he's like, fuck, I'm doing the rebuke. Do it cooler. Yeah, just like didn't know. Now, you can make a bond film, but it's going to have it. Do it. Cooler. Yeah. Just like didn't manage. No. You can make a Bond film, but it's going to have to be the worst one. I'm afraid that's the law. It isn't as.

So, so that's why you can have a Bond girl, but she has to be a bit clocky. So, sorry, that is that is the statute I'm working. She tried to make another Thunderbolt later on and you're not too much attention to this. It was called fucking. Oh, please. I was called something 20. I don't look that up. In the meantime, I'll give you the drop of the criminal. Yeah, I mean, haunting this movie, but it doesn't all appear. No, really. I genuinely didn't hear that over Abby's horror.

That is the Margaret Thatcher impersonator they got at the end of for your own lay. Yeah. Fucking flirts with Bond. So Kevin McClory, let's put it in here. He's tried to make another attempt at Thunderbolt. It was called Warhead 2000 AD. And then he did die sort of at the point where

he was about to make his... Which is why it all got put back together and when Amazon bought James Bond, they got this movie as well. Which is why fucking blow-feld Inspector shows up again in the middle of the Daniel Crayon, because they've got it back. Osterity Q gives Bond his gadgets and their shit, right? He's got like a Union Jack fountain pen that fires a little explosive. And he's got, and he's got, in the most buzz way possible, you'll watch his shit, is this watch?

He's got a fucking laser in it. Fine, cool. Smash his Bond's old watch as well. Yeah, add. So Bond has to go to the Bahamas because that's where the yacht is the disco of a Lantern. That's where the rest of the plot is. Yeah, that's where the plot is.

Yeah, that's in the Bahamas there. Gone. Yeah. Rowan fucking, I consider. Johnny, English. Wanders into the school. No fucking nowhere. You get hit. Rowan act consent. Yeah, because this movie is concerned fucking I consider one does in just a fucking nowhere you get a row and act

Yeah, because this movie is concerned that you like you've gone five minutes without being told that the British government A cuck's and soy boys and so bond is like a met in Nassau by a British diplomat Nigel school first who is a small nice little small foret with the speech impediment who is played by Rohan Atkinson in a white suit. Who is acting the shit out of this palm? Like he is the only one in this film doing any meaningful act. That's very, that's very rude to Fatima. Oh yeah, to be fair, actually, no, yeah.

She is, she is rinsing. It's just that Fatima's part is so pantomime-ish that it doesn't feel like acting, but I think she did as direct. Rowan Ackinson is like, his role is entirely, like, be a comedic pussy. Absolutely. So as to convey that like this is the new world

and bond as a man out of time, which I do, I appreciate that like, I can say they did this in 1983 and people still suck golden eyes dick for doing like, Bond's a dinosaur in a relic. It's like no, it was obvious like 10, 15 years before. But, God, I know. Yeah, in fairness, this film is actually trying to say something.

Like it does have a kind of... Yeah, the Bond is a man out of time, but that's bad because bond is based. Well, no, yeah, yeah, it's trying to say something. What it's saying is bad, like which is like, oh, a shite like men are, or a cocks and therefore the nation is weak, but like, it's at least trying to do something.

I'm not really sure what the kind of philosophical statement of moon rake was. Thank you. The dude's rock, yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Let's face it, your reputation was preceded you. Do I look like a sort of man with me trouble? Well, yes, Franklin. And you're going to jeopardize the tourist trade if you start going around killing people.

Nigel, please. Just go back to your desk. CIA, got you pushing too many pencils. So let me murder whoever I want. Wished up Nigel. I'm gonna Kursh and Bahamianch. It is very, very interesting to me as we're talking about fascism. To co-locate the reason why everyone is a pussy and gay with capitalism, right? With the tourist trade. So that's interesting.

Anyway, Fassima immediately catfish is bond. Yeah. So he's out the fucking bar and he's getting a drink or some shit, the classic bond drink and Fatima goes, haven't checked. Haven't checked. Why would you shake a fucking vodka martini? Don't shake shit unless it's got citrus in. But he's having a Moscow meal. Absolutely. The classic Bond drink. He's having a ton of calories.

I love it. I love a boulevard. James Bond's enjoying a zombie. Yeah. He's enjoying a darkened stormy on the bar. Yes. What's on the dark and stormy? Splashes him.

James Bond Blake is drinking his brandy Alexander and Fassima goes past on a fucking water ski having the time of her life. She splashes him and he gives such a genuine old man glare that I almost want to make it. Yeah, I got it in my peanut collard. That I almost want to make it. Yeah, I've got it in my paint of collard. Again, looks exactly like my father. Just not acting at all.

Just an old man who's a little fucked off was like, and then she lands and goes like, I'm just a bond. I want to have sex with you. And he goes, well, I'm a... So, I'm a lonely. Fatima. Would I bait her, Shayna?

Fatima blush. would I bet her, Shayna? Fatima Blush. And Atima Blush. So they agreed to go scuba diving together for not really any reasons. There's not really, because there was a reason to do that infundable, because they had stored the nuclear weapons underwater. That doesn't happen here.

They're just doing it for fun. And she tries to have him killed. Radio controlled shark's baby. Radio controlled shark. Yeah, that's the thing. Radio controlled shark. First of all, they shark, and it comes up later. They shark on the boat.

They just shark on the boat, yeah. It's true. It's like a weird, preroyant scene. There's little like saxophones, it's strange. It's a bizarre. There's a really weird sax in Yuen Doe pond where bonds getting changed in the back of the... Oh yeah!

She said something, and he says something like, oh, you've really got some good equipment here. And then she goes, so of you. Yeah, she says, he says, you're very well equipped, which is like, damn, love the show. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I guess for like Sean Connery reasons, they do not show Sean Connery's body in the

sex scene. So you just, you know, because he looking bad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's better diamonds for forever, though. He's, he's been to a gym of age. I'm sure. I guess riding the dick, but the dick is not like, neither the dick nor the body.

It's attached to a visible, they're like, cut off by a door frame. It's such a bizarrely 80s sex in yeah. They keep cutting to unrelated footage of marine life. It's not really clear why. That's what happens inside the person when you find. So they're just like sholes of fish in there. So they dive. She attaches a little homing beacon to his scuba gear which causes several radio controlled sharks to try and eat him and she just fucks off. She's like, well, bye. Which is so bizarre. You could just like put some meat on his ass or something. You could just shoot it out with a guard have that effect. Yeah, you could have killed it. So Bond, Bond like, uh, Swims swims through like a sunken ship to try and get away from these sharks.

There is one great scene where he like very gently closes a door on a shark. Yeah. He's just like opened it and being like, oh, this shark. Wow. Good. Yeah. I love it when the shark like, Richard's like, oh, good. Yeah, it goes backwards, which I don't think sharks. I'll stupid looking animals and I do not respect it.

Hey, I think there's a very, very beautiful tiger shark in this. It looks, there's a very good performance. Mine, my statement about my position on anything. He was being the equity day right now, tiger shark. He's in, he's in the RSC Henry III. My position on aquatic animals has been established. We don't need to be ridiculous. Bond, Bond, of course, escapes.

He, like, takes off. He finds this location. Left it for a reason. So, and like, and like, ditches it and swims to the surface. It's fished out by a sexy lady who he breathed in earlier. This is, this is my favorite part, because we see what Fassima is doing now

that she thinks she has killed James Bond. And she is fucking tearing it up on the dance floor. She is having a fantastic time. She's loving life. And not even we don't even, like, I think, meant to believe that this is related to her having killed James Bond. This is just her vibe. This is just what he does.

She's wearing a huge hat on a slit dress up to the side. She looks like fucking Carmen Sandiego. It's incredible. Yeah. She spots that Bond is alive. She heads to his hotel to plant a bond, but she changes clothes. Yes. I love her so much.

She is. I love fast. Well, this isn't my assassination outfit. Give me a second. Yeah, we have a second hole again, anime villain vibes. Yes. Yeah, also just a bit where she's like done to you. She sees Bond pull up and the boat and she's like, oh, fuck shit. I'm not wearing my murdering James Bond bodice. No, no, no, she's genuinely fun. She plants a bond in his hotel room, which does not kill him because he is shacking the girl who rescued him in her room instead.

And now we get another highly abrupt bond. You have to go to next location because the disco of Lanter leaves for niece. You get the bond of another loading screen that a hundred percent. A little spinning 007 logo. Like a hint comes up on the screen. It's like try having sex with everyone you meet.

If you keep getting killed, try having sex with a woman. If the villain has any woman near him, try having sex with a 007. And that'll help you out. So Bond meets Nicole, his like French station contact. Station and friends. Felix Leiter. Station is back. Once again, being a different actor every time.

A good one though. This time I like this guy. He is good. I like this guy, but he is good. No. I was genuinely tariffy. He's not gay, but he is good. No. I was genuinely terrified of gay feelings. The way he lost out on gay Felix Liter in favor of fucking... On you, anything looks good.

On Bro and Atkinson, but then we got a different Felix Liter, who's an African American man. He's very nice. In fairness, Felix does say this to him. It's going to be your ass, James. So, you know, he introduced himself to James by fucking absolutely hucking a softball item as he comes up. Yeah, poor.

Which is exactly what what bond deserves. He deserves to be pranked at all times. Hmpf. Hmpf. Yeah. That they spy is that they spy on the ship with a big telescope. And they see Dolby node just kind of like dancing around on the ship with a big telescope and they see Domino just kind of like dancing around on the deck. Yeah, Bond zooms in on Domino and he gives out this absolutely non-svibe.

I was just briefly leading into the film. I genuinely thought you were going to look at that. I'll be honest. Absolutely. the thing is, I got target blindness, right? Because there was another thing that happens in the exact same scene that I also didn't clip, which is a he baffling line. He looks at, he looks at Domino through the telescope and then he turns to Felix and he says, never mind the soup. Feast your eyes on. Yeah.

What? It was just probably a reference to something that we didn't get. Never mind the soup feast your eyes on reducing it all down. It just never sheds a coffee or what. And then we get one of the most beautiful scenes live, which is James Bond attempting to make it through a women's spa without incurring a lawsuit. I, he like, he falls down into a women's spa. He like infiltrates it. And there's a scene where he like, he goes into into this, which is full of women and bikinis as an old-ass man wearing a gray sweatsuit. And I have written here, oh, this is what I feel like every time I go into anything for women. Yeah, because they make him wear a gray sweatsuit with M on it. Which again, it's probably what they're gonna do to us, Alice. It's a sort of lionhole of green.

It's a quite a nice color. This is him. Damn. The turf starts sharing the James Bond in the sort of video. So, hey, did anybody see what the hell secretary tweeted today? We're not far off. And anyways. I actually did not. Do you want to share that with a glass?

The sad today was tweeting that everyone who goes into hospital, women and transgender people need to feel comfortable and he has asked the Department of Health to look again at the rules because the law currently states that we should be included in the correct facilities and he has asked the Health Department to look again at those rules and give him some fresh advice. Based on the latest year, completely made up scandal about trans people being predators in women's spaces. So fantastic. We love to see that. Yeah. Love to live in Britain. Bond actually is a sex pervert, though. Oh, yeah, 30% is a sex pervert. Having infiltrated women's spaces,

he immediately does some old sex pervert shit because he disguises himself as a misur. The same one who was topping him up. Yeah, he comes across Domino and my phrasing there is deliberate. And he just gives her a massage and it's genuinely the least relaxed anyone has ever looked while receiving a massage.

Like, he's gone. Yeah, it's genuinely like, this guy's like, yeah, I've had a few massages. I'm pretty sure I know how this goes and he's just like rubbing her. She's got a shorn, Connery's hands feel at this point. At this point, where's the mink glove. Yeah, the Glove the unastable

Decadent pleasure of being massaged with a mink Baby at this point bond is jacked off with a mink bond is using his job. You can get a mink Touched from naked woman On the on the ass and then on the ass, but wait, he's a police officer and and that is legal. She's she's a little now. She says, oh, this this feels good. And he's like, oh, so yeah, does. And he's and she's like, wait, what? Like the fucking law suit, Omita hits like critical level and goes oh sorry I mean it does for you not for me I'm dispassionate yeah I think I went to the spa that turns you gay

so dog wire I'm actually completely gay he tricks her into revealing that Lago is doing like a chariote event uh well in fact a casino for children yes given a charity event. Well, in fact, I've got a casino for children. Yes. It's given a charity box and not the casino for children. The casino for children. At the casino for children. It's a boxing alone casino for children. New business idea.

It's very important that children are allowed to gamble. So have a happy one. I bought my nephew Star Wars Battlefront too. Once he has extracted this information, he books it, he leaves, right? And hands over to a masseur who does in fact work there. And when he, after he does this, after he's gone, Domino is like, hey, who is that guy? And the masseur's like, oh, he doesn't work there.

And Domino looks horrified. Yeah, I just wrote, there's the lawsuit. Yeah, I'm gonna fail. And it fails. Yeah, she doesn't really sell the smile if I'm honest. Doesn't smell that smile, though. She really sells, look, a horrified. Yeah.

She looks like a woman who's just been touched by an old Sean Connery. And then a little thing spinning silver thing that says covert human intelligence sources act appears. That's right. So, Von it's legal. Von infiltrates the casino. It's weird. The weird vibe. And then I got a bit that fully made me dissociate which is weird. I cheered. I wrote the word video games. No, no, no, it's first nice. I cheered. I made half page of notes on Fatima's fucking outfit. So good. About Fatima's outfit. Please do you want to tell us about Thastamers outfit because I know he's wearing a black Sequind jacket with massive shoulders and a huge red-lined collar matching black sequined dinner trousers with a gold stripe

It has a train black sequined train on the back of it a little black hat on her head with a half veil, and like black-heeled boots, she looks amazing. It's like, holy fuck. Holy, animal-villain shit. It's like something I would wear in a video. It's unbelievable. It's actually phenomenal. It's generally extreme-priced.

But my only note does say video games. I do want to be fair. My first note says, first I thought the haziness of a casino was a little bit weird, but actually it's just because everyone in it is smoking to buy. Yeah. Yeah, I'll fuck it really is. I'll talk about it. So Bond follows Domino, who dips out of the Salon Pre-Vay, where they're playing

like fucking Bacarat or whatever, and into a room full of arcade machines. Video Salon extra pre yeah. The game is the Salon du Gamel. And the Salon de Syntipede. It's genuinely Salon du Parle le Mô. It's genuinely like a room of the casino with like this sort of like pseudo opulent decor. And it's just full of like arcade machines. Well, it is the casino for children. Yes, the casino for children. Yeah. And he meets Lago. He meets Lago. And they play Kaman Lengonka Red Alert too. Yes, Lago challenges him to a game of to a game of DEF CON, I guess, where it's a game of his own design, where they sit across from each other and you have to try and contest for control of different countries like risk by shooting lasers at them.

But then also, the higher the stakes are, the controls are like electrified. And if you're losing, you get like an electric shock and the higher the stakes are, the worse it is. And it's kind of like heavily implied that like this is just a thing that can kill you. Oh, fully so we get genuinely, like they agree to play it at Bon Vee Lago and we get my favorite subtitle that could possibly appear in any 80s movie which is just computer voice and then the line. It's perfect. It's the most elaborate attempt to murder James Bond I think we have ever seen. I love that this is basically the meme from Casino Royale where they've photoshopped it.

So instead of cards, Lachifra has hungry hungry hippos. Yeah, exactly. And it appears your hippos are not quite as famished as you claimed Mr. Bond. Oh, photoshopping Lachifra to have various games is genuinely one of my favorite things. This scene goes on for like 10 minutes as they play. Oh yeah, it's been so long.

Lago looks like he's gonna win and then like bond doubles down and bond wins. And even though it's for charity, Lago's like, well, I guess I'm gonna have to give loads of money to charity and bond says, are settle for a dance with Domino. So thereby depriving this children's charity of a lot of money. No, no, no, no, no, he's not depriving them of it. He's actually like, he's being generous here because Lago would have to pay him out of the orphans fund. And so he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no shit. Game of Bond dances. Dance is the battle. Dance is the battle. With Kim Basinger, he's like, oh yeah, your brother was murdered by Largo, who's a bad guy. And she's like, what? Yeah, they threw a snake at him, I'm afraid. It was over a while. I just really got him. No, it was very camp.

I'm sorry to say, we see nothing happened to my brother. God damn. We see Largo and Fafel. It's funny what I wanted. Lar'm sorry to say, we see nothing happened to my brother. God damn. We see, we see Lago and Fafel. It's funny what I wanted. Lago is just like, yeah, okay, you gotta kill, you gotta kill James Bond. I love their working relationship so much. They're both having so much fucking fun.

It's enjoying the shows, it's really good. Yeah. She keeps trying to fuck him and he's like, no, you're gonna kill me if you do that. So we get the traditional scene of Bond finding his his like female ally dead He comes back home after the casino and Nicole who I barely remember is dead in the bathtub because facetema has just like drowned her Right on bond just accidentally walks into a French conceptual film Yeah, this is setting is so weird. It's like a dressing building.

It's straight. She's drowned in a water bed. Like, it's very interesting. Is it? I was wondering what that was. Fatima pawn so much shoe polish that she actually is suffocated from that weird skin suffocation. Like, instead of murdering Bond, spectre 12,

or if I'm not doing this again, but spectre fucking 12, instead drowns his female compliment in a water bed and then is like, he'll chase me, we can capture him. Yes, this is her plan, he chased her on... Sure, we're the gun! He chased us her on a motorbike and her plan is to like, corral that motorbike like a horse into the back. Yes, get a shmote about... that most of bike like a horse into the back. Yes.

I'm a big truck. Yes. And he's wearing and he's wearing black tie while doing it as well. I was like checking in and out of this film a bit and then I just look up and he's in black tie on a motorbike and I was like, I can't get that. Sure. Sure. And then she came.

Of course this plan. Twice. She tries to like corral him in the back of a truck, he escapes. She tries to corral him again in like a cave, I guess. Yeah, she tries to corral him in the back of a truck as he goes in there. And then they, as they close the back up very slowly,

he uses out to ramp out. I'm like, how did they not consider that this would happen? But it's not, we're making it sound very exciting that it is, doesn't it? Because the editing is really bad. The scene to see editing in this film is good, but the shot to shot editing is very bad. So people jump around and you can't tell

what's going on. It's really funny. Now, at this point, she like, she does succeed in capturing him. And she pulls some femdom shit. Oh, it's actually, this is is my most incredible scene in the movie. Always hit. Yeah, appreciate it.

You're quite a man, Mr. James Bond. But I am a superior woman. And she fucking makes him write a note saying, this is the best sex that I've ever had was with this lady. Also, she has killed me yours truly James Bond 007. Do you have any notes on the outfit here? She's wearing like a sort of like a translucent puffy sleeve shirt, like broad leather trousers. Yeah. Yeah, she's looking like a Turkish traffic police.

She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high.

She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. She's got an extremely white high. I'm just like buying her blonde hair, I've been like, how do you feel about this? Just playing this drop to my self-honority. Spread your legs.

Yeah. So, you should take this actually, you're the hornyest of us. Which one of us are you talking to? Oh, come now, Alice. Come now Alice So she tries to get him to write a note saying that she is good at sex Yes, I love this woman so much. This is her reference This is all she wants. This is like her her grand plan. This is what she wants out of this encounter is I kill James Bond But also I get a signed endorsement of my pussy from him.

Yeah, the pussy pops. That's what she wants people in. I'm legitimately incredible. So fucking hell. Yeah, I mean, like goals, you know, goals. Yeah. This movie, this movie hates women, but in a way that does make me horny is the thing. Yeah.

So Abby, if you got a thing where you know you know how you can, you only can say Roger Moore's name in a Jordi accent. You can only say the word goals in a Dutch accent. Good. Really? Oh, Roger. Yeah, it's good. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I have also fully picked up saying Roger Moore. Roger Moore's a much more fun way to say it. It's that, that is the correct. We have a style guide here. Anyway, he kills it with a fucking pen. Yeah, because he's got a huge rock pen. She's fucking explodes. Yeah, okay. I agree that she explodes. However, I think it's insanely sick. He's got the pen, of course. We've established the pen as like a exploding bullet in it, because the union jack pen as well. He uses that to sign a thing. He gives her a line like, oh, I've just remembered, Agent can't give endorsement on the job. And she yells at him,

and he fucking shoots her with the union jack rocket pen. It hits her, doesn't do shit and she's like, well, I'm going to kill you now, double it seven. And then she fucking explodes. And I do not for this scene are just what? And then about five minutes later, I wrote The last shot of her is like two burning shoes. It's the greatest scene. She's a fucking delirious. She went through style. The horneous to woman alive. Yeah, okay. Now she's not connected.

She just got so horny she combusted. Yeah, that happens. So now facimals dead. I've read immediately lost interest. Sorry, my third note is genuinely do. And that happens. So now Fathomers dead over immediately lost interest. Oh sorry, my third note is genuinely do not care what happens in this movie after that. There's another sad post not clarity. Yeah, exactly. Wait, why am I not watching?

Why do I do this? Yeah, why do I choose this for a living? There are still 45 minutes of movie, but we're going to blast through. We're going to blast through. But Bond, this pacing is not good. Bond is like, he escapes with Felix. The truth, I'm trying to sneak onto the ship. Felix escapes, Bond is immediately captured.

Like, he climbs up out of a ladder and there's a fucking butler there. Like, Mr. Lago will see you now. And Bond just kind of like goes along with it. He meets Lago, he, like Lago does the, the villain shit of like giving Bond a tour. And then like the only interesting pass of this villain arc, Bond deliberately provokes him by non-sing domino

within the size of his like non-sing chamber. Yeah. And then like. Kinda clever. Yeah. So Lago like loses control. He like grabs like I think it's like a fire axe and he starts smashing up the sort of the dance studio with Domino's then. And then there's this there's this great moment where he realizes that Bond is watching him on the wrong side of his own like one way mirror. And he's been outsmarted and Bond has gone mad.

Oh my god, he's in the Nanjing Chamber. Bond transmits a message to London and M receives it. And in little detail, M is eating cock food. He's like eating a salad and like drinking parsley tea because again, we're doing like masculine decline. Yeah, soy again, we're doing masculine decline. Yeah, so am. Yeah. So Bond, I guess, gets recaptured at this point.

And Lago takes Domino and him to Palmyra in North Africa. Yeah. Isn't Palmyra in Syria? Yeah, it's sort of heavily implied to be North Africa, West Africa. Yeah, he like, Lago himself nons is up Domino a bit. Domino gets nons quite a lot on this movie. The scene between Lago and Domino where Lago proposes to her, I think is genuinely really good.

The acts are playing Lago. When he's interacting with Domino, his like villainess is so good. Unfortunately, like he's like, doesn't really have any any chemistry with Bond. He's not really very sinister when they're together because Sean Connery is just more sinister than he is. But like he's a really credible villain when it's just him and Domino. It is, it is nice to make the bad guy a rapist for a change. Yeah Yeah, first up they should have called this home you only live not So he chains bond up In like a cell and it's like okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna do some shit to Domino because she's betrayed me

What shit is he gonna do, Alice? What he's gonna do to her is stuff. What people imagine my kinks are, when in fact my kinks are fat and were beating the shit out of that guy in the health clinic, which is to say he dresses her up in what I can only describe as a bondage Nick Harb. And then tries to white slavery her to

bed-saving question mark. Yeah, the film She is like tied to a post and then a bunch of ethnic stereotypes like menace her. The scene is entitled, Arabs bid for domino. That is what happens. It's extremely weird scene where they were just like, well, we're gonna fucking auction you off to the moose. Yeah. I like that. I like that. I like the way fucking auction you off to the murs. Yeah.

I like the Roger Lover. So much of the films of this film feel like they were written by a guy in a pith helmet. Yeah. And now of course the savages will bid for Domineau. Yeah, it's really weird and gross. Bond escapes with his fucking laser watch, isn't it? Yeah. He's got a bloody laser watchy, does he?

He does. He remembered that he gave him, it's not just a watchy salazar. He escapes, like throws a guy off his horse. For some fucking reason, adopts a like quasi-eth ethnic disguise for one second only Yeah, like wraps a scarf around this Truly bizarre just to get the drop on them I don't know why he does that and then he just grabs domino and books it on a horse He rides the horse up the top of a castle into the sea

Yes, they fucking she's now down to like a negligee and silks Every time there is a cut of her with one of the, and again, the script calls them Arabs at one of these guys. Uh, she just loses an item of clothing as they like perfectly tear it off her. This is genuinely the movie that made them start adding the no animals were harmed during the making of this movie thing. Really?

Because then everyone got so legitimately mad at the horse jumping off of it. Because they just fucking killed the horse. So obviously really bad green screen. Like the way that the horse falls, it's like it's going down stairs. I've never seen a horse falling off a wall look faker than that. And everyone's going, no. Yeah, did they fucking, I believe they killed a horse, because you meant to see them in like the horse swimming away in the next shot.

That's a different horse. They killed that first horse. Yeah. Yeah, it's recipes. But Felix rescues them on a submarine. Yeah. Classic. Oh, yeah, two submarines just pop out of the water

and just start fucking shelling the North African guys on this board. We just declared war with Libya, I guess. Which apparently is a thing you can just do. Yeah. Like not only had NATO interpreted his incredibly cryptic message about where he was, but they'd just sent to submarines to shoot at the first brown guys who are yelling that they see.

It sounds legit, to be honest. It's literally the top of black hole down. I wrote this down. It's like 007, we got your message. We're not sure what you meant. So we just started shedding the place. Hope that's okay. So Domino and Bond are on the submarine.

Bond gets yelled at by M, who is like on the intercom. And he just screams at him like he just goes this he's a yeah shunt thanks on hand I'll react well to your temper final two notes on this is just fuck off twice yeah just keeps going on how any domino is now falling for bond but they found one of the bombs in Washington DC and they defused them. They still have to find the second.

No, because that's legitimately good. Lago catching himself when he's about to tell Bond where the second bomb is is genuinely really well acted. His bond's tied up and he goes, where are the bombs? You can tell me I'm gonna die. And he's like, where one of them is under the President's feet right now.

And it's a second. And he puts a finger over his lips. And it's like, I, one of them is under the President's feet right now. And the second, and he like puts a finger over his lips. And it's like, I quite like that. It's a bit naughty. I enjoyed that. I thought that was good. Yeah. It's under the clinic.

That makes you gay. You will have to risk return. So bond and bond Felix and Domino have to work out where the second bomb is. And they do some national treasure shit. They do some Indiana Jones shit. Because remember the necklace that La Goe gave Domino that is also called the tears of a la.

Yes, it's just like a shitty, regular stone, but it's got like a map on it. And you can just say, Why did he give her that? Why? Overlay that on a map and it shows where they, the where the bottom. Safekeeping, I don't know.

But he doesn't need it, because he knows where he's going. He doesn't need it. And the, the, the, the bomb is in. You care. So that's an amazingly partridge moment in the movie, actually, when Bond sees her with the necklace and the dance studio and he's like, watch that.

And she's like, it's the most expensive thing I own. And he's like, that's not a lockout. It looks like a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Fully Gerald Rat. That's a cheap chat from a fucking bootshale. I'm having one.

I'll fuck you up and shook him off for that. So the warhead is in that like this underground well that was like mythologically supposed to be filled with the tears of Allah, but it's also in like a Babylonian temple with a lot of like human figurative art and statues and stuff. Yeah, it all makes a lot of sense. They're going to put the new gear. The movie's dragging hard at this point. Yeah, they're going to use the underwater caverns to position the new underneath some oil fields and thereby blow up the Middle East and oil supply.

All of it, I guess. And I'm also not really clear on that. They're like planned here because the plan is to like, extort money with the nuclear warhead, but like, you could just like, I'm not even sure how that plan is supposed to work if they know where it is. Yeah, and also the arm, the bomb is if they're going to set it off anyway. And I'm like, well, yeah, I thought you wanted to get paid. It's, it's, it's very strange. Um, actually, at that point, if the NATO are not

going to pay them, they'd make more money just selling the nuclear bomb to someone else. Yeah. So bond, I guess, feel like it infiltrates this sort of like, uh, underground cave temple thing. How did they leave the submarine, Alice? They leave the submarine. And then fall. Some torpedo tube launch, jet packs. Four fire extinguishes strut to a circle of metal. It's like a jet pack. Yes.

The youth stand on and... Sean Connery had to ride a car with a four fire extinguishes going on. Also, it's going to be like, oh, fuck off. Because they land on these things and then immediately cuts to Scooby gear. So there was no need to have this. It was just like a really... Great Scooby gear.

Really shit special effects. There's another really funny line about the jetpacks though because he's talking to the submarine captionage like, I hear you're equipped with the new X2packs though because he's talking to the submarine captioning is like, I hear you're equipped with the new X27B and he's like, how do you know that? And he's like, Reddit in a Russian translation of one of your service manuals, try about that old chap. It's like, wait, is Chicano re-implifying that he leaked it to the Russian? He's been a Russian agent this year. We're all communist, should I my shick? How about you amazing twist of the devil agent at the whole time? He's been a Russian agent. We're all coming. I should have my shake show about that.

I'll show you. How about the amazing twist of Bond was a double agent at the whole time? But the whole sequence with the jetpacks has no music. Like, they don't have the Bond theme. It's just presented. Yeah, they're going for that.

That's beautiful. That's like, ah, fuck there. You get fucking James Bond in it. So little editing here. Yeah. And so you get the sort of like usual like storming the the the lair thing, some US Navy ninjas show up. Like it's bad, they're not entirely.

They're not entirely. Long falls over, but they leave it in because I because here's here's the thing about that. Here's the thing about the editing in this film, right? The scene to scene editing is good. The shot to shot editing is bad, but the shot to shot editing is particularly bad in the action sequences and not the dialogue scenes, which suggests to me that the problem is they just didn't get the footage they needed. It suggests to me that this film is just hard to make and they kind of fucked it. Bond chases the warhead underwater. He fights underwater with Lago, he wedges Lago against the war, disarms the bomb. Lago then pulls a speargun on him, and Domino shows up out of fucking nowhere to kill Lago. Yeah, flanked by two guys. Yeah, who are those?

It's really anticlimactic. Yeah, it's really anticlimactic bond saves the world and then we cut to him in a like poolside villa with domino. We meant to like drinking a peanut colada as this is one drink James Bond. Yeah, um, and he's James Bond enjoying a side car. Sex on the beach. We're meant to kind of like understand that this has been like going on. Games want to have a blood and sand by the pool. This is like a wild laser and like they're in a relationship or something and bond is retired. At. Yeah.

Rowan Atkinson shows back up again. Yeah, no, they do this thing where like a guy is sneaking through his building to try to get to him. And it's like you're supposed to be like, oh shit, they're this thing where like a guy is sneaking through his building to try to get to him. And it's like you're supposed to be like, oh shit, they're going to kill James Bond. But it's actually Rowan Atkinson. But what I wrote was Mr. Bond, my name is Nick Fury. I don't know if she was the one who had the Avengers initiative. Yeah. Bond catches Rowan Atkinson throws him in the pool and it's like what are you doing here? And Rowan Atkinson says, M wants you back.

Mons says, never, Domino says, I don't say never, because that's the title of what this movie is. And Bond winks at the camera. Winks at the camera, and that's the last show. Genuinely,

you can only read that as like, the Kevin McClory thinking he would be able to do a seat. Another one. With Conny. And that's how Conny goes out. Yeah. It's got one more for me.

Entrapment in a way is the third. Not with a bang, but with a wink. Let's just take a second here to examine. Because never say never again, came out the same year as Octopus, he's slightly later. So the public, the press, sort of build this as the Bond V-Bond, right? Showed down at the box. Yeah, the year of two bonds. Most analysts figured that this movie would do better because it had fucking Sean Connery in it. So let's just take a look here. Box office, foreign, and then like DVD rentals. Box office, failed, octopus, he got more,

foreign, failed, octopus, he got more, but DVD rentals, however, failed, octopus, he got more. So essentially this movie completely lost to octopus. Which was amazing in 1980s, every possible way Sean Connernery, a cuckful Roger Moore is my old man, Bond. And this film is so ugly and like weirdly protrophasist and means spirited and badly made that it makes me appreciate Roger Moore a bit more. Yes, it lacks the joy of the nonsense. It made me feel differently about Roger Moore-Bonds because these are the real politics of the 1980s. This is what Bond would have been. This kind of like whining fascism thing.

Had it not been for Roger Moore holding it all back like Spider-Man with the subway train just making it beat daft old bastard shit. Yeah, I'm not bit sad. That's right, being a fucking king. Um, yeah, no, I think what, what everyone's saying earlier about the fact that the fucking, the, uh, the jet-pack scene had no music in it. Like, this film was like, you, you sort of almost don't pay attention to like quite how

grindingly low budget it is. Yeah. But it looks bad, but like even just a bit of, did it, did it, did it, did it, would have improved it so much. Yeah. But it's just like another grinding silent scene of fond awkwardly doing some post. Yeah, the issue is because it's a divorce court movie.

Like they put everything that the fucking British I caught told them they could and nothing else. So we still got like James Bond at dad's house, but oh Yeah, it's not good But we do have a science based system on this podcast, don't we? We do we call it the skums and it stands for smart cultural insensitivity Unprovoked violence and misogyny and we score out of seven so Diving straight in never say never again.

What do we think the, the schmarmage, a schmarmage, the schmovie? It's less smarmy than your classic, um, run to all the day. You're too old to be smarmy. Yeah, he's too old. Even if he's trying to be, he doesn't sell it. He's got some lines like, oh, you know, there's like other forms of therapy for a man's lower back. And like that line, when she's like, oh, that feels so good, he's

like, certainly does. It's like, oh, I think the line that exemplifies it to me was the one where she asks him for a urine sample, where she's across the room with the company goes from here. And her response is to get a point. Yeah, I think that's maybe the smartest line. Everyone knows that you can pee long distances when you're dick be hard. That one looks like a long pass. A horrible piss. Piss is like a horse.

And only we've been in four. I get four. I get four. Yeah, I get two more. Yeah, it's pretty low on smart I think for a bond 3% Cultural incentive High

It was doing relatively well It was doing relatively well All the only market had against it was the Japanese Until Fucking Jesus Christ. And today, one hour,

four, one minute. I was on it. Yeah. Yeah, you've got, you've got Roger Moore and then you've got the Moore. Yeah, it's pretty like insensitive to call it like the tears of a la too, but like the white slavery bondage scene is definitely.

The other bit is that the tears of a lot temple that they go to is nothing but like Sumerian and Egyptian architecture. Yeah. Do you reckon what happened in the making of this film was that whole scene with the Arabs bidding for Domino, the Arabs in quotation marks? We're still not really sure where we're supposed to be right now.

That wasn't in the film. And then they were like, no, one day some people are going to review this on a podcast. And the cultural insensivity score is gonna be completely out of whack. You've got to cram in some lustful mood. It's really clear. It's clear to close up, no one's gonna be in.

And then just disappears. But I'd be tempted to go like a five or six. Yeah, I'd go five because I would say six, but the fact that it's so thrown in makes me want to go lower. It's not like a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, of them by exploding her. Well, she was going to kill away. Yeah, counterpoint signal. Yeah, I think this is pretty low on unprovoked violence then. Unless we're counting the unprovoked violence of that pilot having the shit kicked out of him,

but it's unprovoked violence on Bond's part, isn't it? Yes, pretty low offence instead of... Yeah. Like one or two, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I think it's pretty low. It's about one. Right. Yeah. And a misogyny. Now, now I'm just a simple country bottom, but I would suggest that when you have a lion like, you're quite a man, Mr. James Bond. But I, and we speak to your woman. And then followed by exploding that woman,

you're asking for kind of a hyme as originally school. I think that's, I don't know, I feel like this is kind of a chicks rock type movie. Not intentionally is the thing. I think the way they wrote it. And like so much of this deserves to like the credit goes to the facemaskhasa Barbara Carrera right because she fucking sells the shit out of this role. If you just look at like if you just imagine the script the script for this is like an I hate men because I'm too

sexy and now I have to die. So yeah. And the film does treat Domino just with contempt. Even in her costume, some of her costumes are so see-through, you can see her nipples, am I? You, her nipples are in every scene. Oh yeah, there's quite a lot of visible nipples. She is remarkable about that. Which, you know, I'm not against, but it's need more of that in the film.

I mean, it's stress, I'll go on record now. We're not against not. Yeah, but she's just treated like an object like this film. I wanted to give it like fairly high. She doesn't really do a lot. And even when she does, it's just like, and she has to be sexy to do it. So like her worth is very much tied up with her sex.

I'd be happy to go like a five or a six. I'd say six. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Where does this leave us? I'm a scientific racing game. Wow, that leaves us with a 16,

which is the best-shorn Connery film. Fuck, man, really? They brought a letter of joy for a good movie. Don't know, it was a 17. It's a terrible movie. It's bad, it's the problem. It is, it's bad, it's the problem. It's bad. It's real bad. Shit. Yeah, fuck maybe maybe the politics of a film aren't the only way of grading whether it's good or not. No, I don't think that's true

Ridiculous thing to say my little anyway my little Edwards will not be on another episode 2018 Yeah, that is right. I will be if that one way or another. I will be looking at the kill James Bond studio through its house. It's better than MoonRaker. God damn. Basically anything would be nothing's better than MoonRaker.

Uh-huh. We gave MoonRaker so many points for killing all those beautiful himbows. Ah, yeah, the best. Such an unfortunate series of events. We do love a good herbo, yeah. Well, the quality of pussy on planet Earth went down a letter grade after MoonRaker. I genuinely, our next mainline episode will be the...

You do you like... Do you like... Givemen? Do you like be the you do you like to like give men do you like old men do you like the old men in this how do you like a much older man how do you like a man who is 50 most step in year-old Yeah, but somehow has the vibe of being young Yes, oh dear Hopefully it's going to be a good one because we know that Moore alternates and Octopussy was dire so I want Moore to go on a good one

I want him to have a strong one. God please. What film is it? You do too, girl. Oh it's good just granderand did the thing. Right, I mean you know. We got Nate Bozay on future of kill. There's a fucking blimp.

I will Nate Bozay loves granderand so man the myth the fucking legend. I've never seen that the one with the two Amazonian women who beat Roger Morerups. Yeah, yeah, well the you Abby and Alice are going to spray Yeah, excellent. Yeah, this has been never say never again. We never have to watch a short corner movie again if we don't want to never watch a short Thanks so much for coming on. Oh, it's been an absolute pleasure. I mean, not watching the film, which was not. But talking about it has been one of fine.

You were about to do that, Jericho. Oh, Lance, I'm on Twitter at my other one, the score Edwards. I do two podcasts. There's trash. Future Alice does it with me. Check that out. There's also masses of our domain, which is kind of like imagine if Kill James Bond were about Seinfeld and also talked about

Seinfeld about 10% as much as Kill James Bond talks about James Bond. But we do like Seinfeld more than you know. It's a weird system that we have. Yeah. We actually reviewed recently on our Patreon the late Sean Connery film in Trapment with Castelensie Tachor. Remember this so much. So if you want to hear about us and Andrew Law analyzing one of the most bizarre films of 1999, check that out. We will see you for the Patreon episode, which is still TVD, I think, but it'll be terrible. Whatever it is. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening to another episode of Kill James Bond. James Bond. The next episode will be in two weeks time on You To A Kill. And that will be starring not just the hosts you know and love, but our beloved editor, our fabulous

producer and my personal friend, Nate Bathay. So please tune in for that one and it is going to be fantastic. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, you can go to patreon.com-killjames-bond to get an episode next week, which is of course Cats and Dogs 2. Apparently we're only doing the second of things now. Alright, but speaking of course of patrons, we would be nothing, nothing, without our beautiful 15 pound of above patrons. And those are paint Macala, Jack Holmes, George Roark, Amanda Roarkter, Saul, Bobby Lagerstrom, Nikki, Mirror Raymond, Carolyn Tankersley, Beno Rice, Amber De Grazio, Jay Martin, Del Jack Bushel, Pete Storrison, Kentucky Wright Gemy, Moth Man, Field Commissar, Gen Gen, Big Titty Goth Girl,

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