Upstream - Episode 22: The Rock

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Before cracking right on with the Craig years, We take a quick stop off to check in with what can be argued (and is, by us) to be Sean Connery's final Bond film- The Rock! This 1996 Michael Bay movie features Connery playing a quipping british spy, imprisoned for three decades for stealing a microfilm containing, canonically, All the US Government's secrets (Tell me that isn't Bond. I fucking dare you. Pussy). As the only man to ever escape it, Bond must infiltrate Alcatraz along with Nicolas Cage and defuse Ed Harris' VX Gas missiles. Joining us is the always delightful Andrew Law from the Boonta Vista podcast! Find Andrew at https://twitter.com/IllyBocean And listen to Boonta Vista at https://twitter.com/boontavista Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Turn, hut! Listen up, ladies. Get the tampons out of your ears and wake the fuck up! My name is Brigadier General First Class Abigail Thorne. I have been with the best of the best into the worst of the worst and you motherfuckers are the sorry-est-looking podcast audience I have ever seen. But don't worry, over the next 90 minutes me and my squad of killers will turn you into hard-dick war machines. My eye-see on this operation is cut in cold-well Kelly and you will not so much as take a shit without her say so. Giving us a lift to the theater of operations as usual from his majesty's Royal Navy, it's Admiral Devon. And all the way from the Australian SAS,

food to vista regiment, it's left ten and Andrew law. Fucking hell. I'm turning in. I'm hot as fuck. Captain Coldbar Kelly, you may carry on. It takes me right back, that does to the... It takes me back to... Yeah, to the steely eyed battalion of killers that was the Dullage College combined cadet force on the effects. My word takes me back to the NRGS, is he ever so?

Good time. Listen, I just want you to know that as I'm wrapping this blanket around you and feeding you chocolate, even though I shouted, I even open it. Even though I shouted, I still respect you. Yeah, this is the podcast that gives you aftercare. Even though I put that butt plug in you and called you a filthy trap slot, it's because I love you. Avergo, you have to start by won't be able to record the rest of the podcast. We watched the rock.

Just so-so here. This is cool. Also, Devon and Andy just imagine a drill sergeant just taking one guy aside and going ahead and mean any of that like I think you're We can look really well Yeah I was mainly talking to the other guy You said when I talk like that just ignore it just ignore it It's a work thing I got a lock on on at home.

My God, we watched the rock is what we did. We did. Which is a Michael Bay movie, which is the most troops respecting as Michael Bay gets for a while. I was not sure I was to get Michael Bay to direct the next Bond film. But I think it's kind of a work to do. Because the thing is, this is a Bond film. This is a mainline Bond film. It is in the canon. This is a Bond film.

And we're not brooking any kind of opposition on that. We will tolerate no insubordination on this line that this is a Bond film. So the thing about this movie is that it starts with about an hour's worth of extremely bombastic music that does not stop. Yes. And I just like you to know that this movie won the Oscar in its year for Best Sound. Best Sound.

All its explosions, so they're paid for themselves. That year for best sound. Best sound. All his explosions, they're paid for themselves. That's the most sound. But like, yeah, I'm the Oscar for loudest movie. Because we said we did. The opening montage that Ed Harris is a marine general, general Hummel, who has a dead wife, so jot that one down. He has a medal of honor and

he has pressed F to pay his respect to his men. Far too many times. We see a lot of like sort of, you know, rain, rain's record like military funerals. My notes say real men don't use umbrellas. That's right. He gets wet. You got a wet. I want to know one one thing at the start that promised me promised me such a movie. He goes to a headstone. Yes. Yes. And upon that headstone is the name for woman and at the top it says his wife. Now they wouldn't they wouldn't do that unless he was also buried there. So it leads me to believe that that is literally directly for the Horde. Yeah. Yeah. There's why either that or Ed Harris is planning to be buried next to like he's already planning his own debt. We see him sort of

write his death poem because he puts his medal of honor on her tombstone and then kisses it. And then sets out on this course where in order to take revenge against the government that has shunned him and his men, he is going to do a bit of domestic terrorism. I don't think it's for fun. This is what happens when you don't respect the truth. It's domestic terrorism for business. Well, no. For honor. Yes. For honor and profit. He's claiming it back. Yeah.

And so he perpetrates this raid. He and his men, he has a bunch of other Marines who are with him. And he'd like trust him implicitly. And together they launch a raid of the US naval arsenal, where they incapacitate the guards by means of like tranquilize the darts and punching them and they throw one guy out of a guard tower like the joke about us. That's because there is a good truth. They're not killing anybody.

But the point, yeah, exactly, that's the first thing, bro, more or less the first thing that you know about General Humble, Ed Harris, that he has this big sort of craggie military face and he is a man of honor who respects the troops and as such because he because he respects them so much he's only going to punch the munchies. Um, he's he's definitely the most morally conflicted of any Michael Bay villains apparently Don Simpson. That's true. That's true. Partly based the character on real life person David Hackworth, who... Yeah, huge piece of shit.

But who was a guy who came back and said, hey, why did you guys spray me with Agent Orange while I was over there? What was up with that? And then he died of the whole agent. The thing the thing about David Hackworth is that yeah, he did do that, but also he also drove the head of the US Navy to suicide at one point by bullying him, which is interesting guy sort of a very sort of foundation to the POW MIA sort of myth that there were Americans who have been left behind. So he didn't do after care is what was that, which was then sort of discredited. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Anyway, yeah, so this was the

thing that Don Simpson kind of like half heard about and like incorporate it was what about these forgotten soldiers. And so these men, they infiltrate the naval arsenal. They respect the hell out of the troops until they respect the Munk conscious. And they steal a load of missiles filled with VX gas, which is a nerve agent. And in the course of this, we see the VX gas itself. And it's this kind of like, it's contained in like, what would you call this like an orb, like a little orb green orb, like a long string of I would call it an elegant string of pearls configuration. And elegant string of pearls can figure out. But in order to establish the danger of this VX gas, obviously one of them has to like

drop it. So a guy drops a thing of VX gas. The others immediately like seal him in the room. And we see him die horribly. But in this very Michael Bayway, he is just adapted and already horrible thing to make it more horrible. So VX gas is a nerve agent, right? nerve agent is very unpleasant. You just kind of leak out of every orifice. Medicine acronym for this is sludge, by the way, it's a fun time. But instead, what they do is they make it a vesicant, they make it a blister agent. And so this guy starts, like, his skin melts off, essentially, as he is like begging his

friends to help through this door and they can do nothing for him. But if I was stealing nerve agent gas, I would have, I would have fallen a mask, you know? Yeah, I would have fallen a mask. All right, Peter, this guy, but I'm different. Nobody in this movie ever wears a gas mask, which means I'm docking at a full letter grades for CVR and protection. So this one guy dies, but otherwise, they make their escape with the elegant string

of green pulse of the ex gas. Aspon movie openings go, this is good. Like it's good. It's got a good action. Where is the thing? It wouldn't be. If it didn't have music, fucking blaring all over it, like you can barely hear the dialogue, it's, I literally wrote down at one point, imagine if action movies had stayed this way. It's like you're. Yeah, absolutely. But so. It's the same music that's in like every other Jerry Barkhime produced music. Like there's sections same music that's in like every other Jerry Barkhima produced music.

Like there's sections of it that's completely identical to most of Pirates of the Caribbean, all of the bits in like mournful patriotic horns. Particularly the like a d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d Like that, that shit is in every Michael Bays slash Jerry Brakheimer type movie. So the point where I often find myself going is this literally the same music as opposed to just like the same board composer. Caledon. I feel like motif. Real men just write the same music.

Absolutely. They steal this VX gas and they steal 16 rockets to launch it. I think they only get away with 15 because of the one that the guide robs, but they take these rockets. And then we have to meet our protagonist. Nicholas Cage is appearing in this movie and you better believe he is appearing the fuck out of it. Yes, he is, baby. He's just having an interesting time. He's playing FBI agent Stanley Goodspeak. Such a good name.

Dr. Christmas type of see. Dr. Christmas type of see. The thing about Dr. Christmas type of see is that this this movie has to like, he's an FBI agent, but they can't decide whether he is or not, because the important thing about him is that he's a giant pussy, about everything except chemical weapons, his field. Otherwise, he's just this weird nerd. And the way that we're introduced to him is him ordering a Beatles LP in the office because listen I mean first of all it's because on the Beatles Maniac. I'm just very glad you got that I wrote that down for Badam. It's like a game called to try to say Beatles Maniac.

Beatles Maniac and his girlfriend does not think that you should spend $600 on a vinyl record, which I agree, the struggle is real. Neither of these things come up again. No, no. Girlfriends don't know. No, no. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know.

Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know.

Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. Girlfriends don't know. It sounds better. But again, this is a trait that Nicholas Cage just introduced because he was getting into vinyl records at this point. And that's the best philosophy of acting ever is just like, hey, what does this guy was like me? I just got to introduce my own weird shit here. Yeah, I mean, like, fucking go for it. That's a bad rules, honestly. So we have to see Nicholas Cage do his chemical weapons thing.

Right. So a suspicious package has come in to address to a Bosnia and Refugee camp. It just says in big letters on it, aid for Bosnia and not nerve gas from us. And this is safe. And they think it might be siren gas. So he and his assistant who is an even bigger pussy than he is, uh, suit up in in their sort of like, um, and drama, the strain suits and go into a gas chamber with this thing to open it up. And I distinctly

remember that this scene, uh, gave me a panic attack when I watched this movie as a kid. And let me tell you that it, that does not remain the case now. This is the silliest bullshit I've seen in a while. Yeah. It's quite like competently sharp and like tense. The thing about being a kid is you're very stupid, uh, medically. Yes. That's that's the medical condition that you're in in childhood is being very, very suggestively moronic. And so I was just like, I think I envisioned this as being a million times more terrifying than it actually is. What actually happens is they go in,

they look at the thing and Dama's assistant moves like a beanie baby bear that immediately begins to spray the entire chamber with sarangas. I, somebody was gonna buy it. I identify with the guy who was just kind of goofing around in there. Oh, I'm a baby. I feel that. It's like a little dull, yeah, and it's raised like liquid saran on both of them. And it starts melting their suits. And so, and that's bad, right? Then we have to ratchet up the, yeah, that's bad.

The guy says it's bad. He goes up to the window and he's like, hey, this is melting my suit. And then it's going to melt me. And when it melts me, I'm going to die. That's really bad. It's absolutely trusty level. Even if one of the guys in the lab turns to the almost turns to the audience, he goes, we're not going to make it. Yeah, we're not going to make it.

Because there's also a bomb. Yeah, that's awesome. They really doubled down on this one fucking doll, right? Because they put a shitload of saran gas in there and some sea four. And so as he's trying to disarm the the C4 it's not the point of the story. Yeah, yeah, you'd kind of kill anyone who was going to be near to the like bomb, but anyway, um, and like giving. Yes, they introduce they introduce another sort of a check-offs big needle here. Because I did.

Percy, Percy assistant is then told, okay, this thing is melting your suit. What you must do immediately is stab a big fucking hole in that suit with this comically large needle. And this needle the whole way into your heart and he goes, I don't want to do that. Yeah, yeah. He's like, how would I even, what if I miss? And they, they don't address this, but you have to inject this big thing of atropine directly into your heart. Otherwise, you will die of saran gas exposure. Now, apparently, apparently among the people who did uncredited rewrites of the script for this movie,

Aaron Sorkin and Quentin Tarantino, who also wrote a very... He loves a big needle in the hearts. You know? And it comes back up again in this movie. So, maybe it was him. Absolutely. Maybe it was.

Maybe he just really wanted to get like needle in the heart action. Yeah, I did question why there was that scene halfway through where Nicholas Cage just put his feet very close to the camera. Oh, my phone. Like, five minutes. Yeah. How imagining Quentin Tarantino, like really trying to get the COVID vaccine, like two hours?

No, no, no, in the chest. In the chest. Has to go on the stern. No, no. So Nicholas Cage disarms the bomb and saves both him and Pursue Assistant who doesn't come back on again. And this is just sort of portrayed as his like every every day sort of like busy like day at the office thing. Yeah. He does that and then it immediately cuts to him Sadness

Shirtless With a guitar just sort of in like the evening sun. I was like, okay. All right Yeah, this is because Nicholas Cage was like learning the guitar at the time and he just thought you know what I want to do it This is guys like the reverse Harold cicada. Yeah, absolutely just Nicholas Cage just imposing by force of will, a bunch of Nicholas Cage things. I just returned to the music for a second, the blaring music. I just had a little discovery here, which has been very revealing, but also has made me lose a significant amount of respect for composer Hans Zimmer, who is the person who did this movie. And he also did, as part of the Don Simpson, Joe Brockhamer produced movies. He did the score for Days of Thunder,

for Crimson Tide, for the Rock, for Black Hawk Down, for Pearl Harbor. I remember that one, the little like Ood. Yep. For the King Arthur movie by Antoine Fuqua. What? Pirates of the Caribbean, Deadman's Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End, Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides, the Lone Ranger. Oh, and these are all of the ones. This is part of this like, a part of this like Simpson, Brutimer thing, I thought you were going to say as part of like a court order

like a criminal and to do a great to score the movie The Rock. You ran into his car and now you have to be his composer. And they send

they send you to like drivers, Ed, but instead it's the movie the rock Any any also was either the like producer on the soundtrack or composer for a bunch of Michael Bay specific stuff including several of the Transformers movies which also have effectively identical music and 13 hours the secret soldiers and guys and chunes yeah it's fantastic incredible i mean he's your ass paycheck yeah absolutely absolutely i'm not working i bet he reused some of the fucking oodd from black hawk down my mother's making content absolutely absolutely incidentally do you know who else saw this movie and liked it

was me? for you also saw this movie and liked it. Was me? You also Ahmed Chalabi, Alius, Alius Curveball, the CIA asset who was leading on the president of Iraq.

Yeah, to provide intelligence for the invasion of Iraq, because one of the reports that he gave the C.I.A. was a description. You brought this one up. Was a description of Iraqi chemical weapons laboratories, which were lifted wholesale from the previous two scenes that we've been discussing of the movie The Rock. I've been desperately trying from the course of this podcast so far to find the direct quotes from him him because he fully just describes like the elegant string of the elegant string of poems.

Yes. These are the chemical weapons facilities that we went to war over that didn't exist. Yes. These are the ones that got written into the Iraq war. But don't exist that are fiction. No, not real. He specifically mentioned the like glass, like round glass storage of these, which is the way you would never store any chemical weapon. It's never been done. It's pure

invention. It looked more compelling for the movie. And he regurgitated that and the CIA because they wanted to bought that intelligence, both financially and also in terms of belief. Please, please tell me this man is in prison or something. Please tell me. Tell me, like, I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die.

I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die.

I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. I'm dying to die. is dead. He died in in Iraq in 2015, but of one, heart attack, they shot him with a heart attack gun. Normal reasons unfortunate. Yeah. And we invaded Iraq, which led to some problems. Yes. So we see the podcast low back season one. Yeah, do that. Nicholas Cage.

Nicholas Cage is sure what playing with the guitar. When his girlfriend comes in, and the thing about his girlfriend is that she's Catholic. And the other thing about his girlfriend is that she's pregnant. I understand these two things don't go well together. Yeah, you know she's Catholic

because she's wearing a big rosary around her neck. Mm-hmm. And she's pregnant by Nicholas Cage, even as Nicholas Cage is in sort of like a children of men type situation where he's like so dispirited by the Serbian terror attack that he's like, I think he's on his first reformed share. He literally goes, I think it would be cruel to bring a child into this world. And she's like, oh, by the way, I'm pregnant. And also 9-11 hasn't happened yet. So you think it's bad now. There is quite a cute moment where he's like,

that's great. Like, I'm god, you're pregnant. And she says, eight seconds ago, you said it would be cruel to bring a child into this world. And he says, well, kind of a lot's happened since then. Yeah, he just kind of gets owned by his girlfriend. And meanwhile, we see Ed Harris and the boys infiltrate the rock, which is, we know is an national parks operated tourist site now. And so we get a little bit of comic relief as they like take the tour. And then maybe you do get a nice shot where Ed tells like there's also like a school trip there And he very specifically is like you you guys need to get on the get on the fucking boat and leave

We know he's gonna take all these guys hostage and he doesn't want to do it to kids, which is nice Yeah, he's very complete. He takes everybody hostage and they see's they see is the island They immediately start dressing in the most fucked**k camouflage I've ever seen, the sort of like white and gray of an... That's British, British camouflage, British paratrooper camouflage. Just standing against the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. But like Ed Harris, he really carries this movie in a lot of ways. Yeah. He's had working with Michael Bay because he wouldn't let him act.

Yeah, Michael Bay kept doing close-up shots and he likes to act with his whole body. Yeah, but he pushed the fucking camera back a little so I can work, man. I talked a little bit about general officers on screen with hell of a waste die about the movie in the loop. And yeah, no, Ed Harris does a very good general officer. He talks in these kind of like entirely declarative sentences.

And so he like gathers his men together and he announces the purpose of what they're doing, which is they're gonna hold the US government hostage. If they don't give like $100 million out of a military slush fund for illegal operations to help compensate the men who they abandoned in the field, and they're going to fire the nerve gas rockets. Yes, respect the troops. Or we are going to kill everyone in San Francisco with the rockets.

Yes. And we see them like setting up all kinds of stuff around Alcatraz to stop anyone getting in. There's a funny line where they say possible penetration point in the shower room, which I wrote down. And they put a bunch of laser trip wires and stuff down. Funny way to say it though. And he says, yeah, he says, all of you men will be paid

a million dollars each for your services, but at the end of this, you'll all be paid a million dollars each for your services, but at the end of this, you'll all get on a plane to go to a non-extrication country. And he calls the director of the FBI and he's just like, I'm really a journalist, and you're going to do this, and who do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, from our good writers. What kind of does? What's nice is that like everyone in the high command of the United States is

like, ah, fuck, it's this guy. Yeah, it's got to be. He's really good. We get a little bit of ideology. Yeah, because he talks about what like the purpose of special forces is. It kind of like smetly butler sort of way because he says the men of marine force recon are selected to carry out illegal operations throughout the world highly illegal special operation dramatic building music these men do illegal things no point in saying maybe they should Well, for the same reason nobody says America shouldn't have a shitload of VX gas in missiles. It's just there. But yeah, no, it's like, it's weird to pick force recon

for this, it's weird to pick the Marines for this, but otherwise, the idea of like special operations being something that you do when you don't want people to find out about it, it's like, yeah, that's true. The only weird part is that like, all of these guys volunteered for that shit. They know that like pass and parcel of the deal is like you get to be an unsung kind of hero or whatever. But anyway, we see that the White House

or like senior government people are meeting to talk about this. Yeah. And they say that the problem is they would just ordinarily just like napalm Alcatraz, but VX gases specifically immune to napalm. No, it's not. Well, it isn't it is in the In his within the fiction of the way they also like estimate that he could kill a million people with the amount of VX Gas City has and my notes say surely the US government would never allow almost a million people to die from a biological agent just to get action. Absolutely, the unimaginable. But yeah, they think maybe some kind of like thermite, they might be able to rig some sort of thermite. But it's going to take ages. So in the meantime, we need a chemical weapons guy to go in and fix this. Do you want to know something funny? the US government has literally sprayed airborne chemical agents

on San Francisco before itself on purpose. Um, literally as part of a test against like biological weapons and chemical weapons, they sprayed a series of like bits of the Bay Area, they also like broke light bulbs full of attenuated anthrax and New York City subway to see how that spread and that killed a few people Just see what had happened just to Listen back back in the 60s and 70s if you're if you're in the CIA you could just kind of like Smirnov gas on whatever you want it You could basically get away with anything like this was yeah

Random with the LSD gun I'm gonna show the guy at random with the LSD gun. We reckon we could give soldiers psychic powers by dosing them hard enough with LSD. Like, you could just get away with whatever the fuck. Yeah, absolutely. Just turned off a whole regimen trans with the trans-regum. If you were in the US Army, at any point, between the years of about 1960 and 1970,

your superior officer was actually a big carved lump of uranium as part of it, like army experiment to see how many different kinds of cancer they could give you at once. But like they're discussing this right, and then Ed Harris calls them, he like calls the situation room on his video phone, he like calls it on Skype. And in order to make the point that, you know, who's cool is the troops, and you know who's a fucking gay is not troops, because he calls them,

and he talks to the general who's in charge, like their old friends. And the White House chief of staff says, have you considered maybe not firing VX gas at San Francisco? And he literally goes, who is this fucking pussy? Is this guy? Shut up loser. Shut up, idiot.

If you were smart, you'd be a Marine like me. Because remember, kids, part of respect to the troops is ensuring that they do not have democratic oversight. Absolutely. He's too young and he's too immature. So yes, as you say, Abigail, Nicholas Cage has to go to San Francisco. And the other thing, I've just written down 100 million is probably quite eminently payable. You can just, I'm sure that they've clocked in more than that in overtime over the course

of this movie. Yeah, absolutely. It's given that it's fine. Just given. Anyway, the other thing about this movie is that women are stupid because Nicholas Cage gets the call to go to San Francisco and he goes, but his girlfriend is mad at him because women are stupid. mad at him because she's women, the stupas. She doesn't want to be left behind,

because he's agreed to marry her. She's like, come on, let's go get married and start a honeymoon like now. This conversation is happening whilst he is inside her, by the way. She proposed. She proposed, it was very progressive in 1996 or whatever it was.

It was good. And he was like, oh, sure. It was okay. He agrees and he's just like, uh, fine, whatever. I got none. And after he goes to San Francisco, he finds out that she has followed him there and will not be dissuaded.

He tells her to come. He's like, they wanted me to go to San Francisco. I'm sure it's training exercise. Like, come with me. I'll be finishing a few days and then we'll like, I'm already not having any minutes to have Francisco. Yeah. He goes, he's on the phone. He's like, all right, I'll be finishing a few days and then we'll like I'm already not on him when it's over in Cisco. Yeah, he goes he's on the phone, he's like, I'll be down in 10 minutes and his wife who is currently like fully on top of him looks him and I've written down, make that 12 minutes. Yeah. We ride that. So he goes to he goes to

San Francisco where the FBI have set up their command post and they have a bunch of Navy SEALs who are preparing to like raid the Raid Alcatraz with him, take him with them, disarm all of the things without a shot being fired. That's the plan. And what he does then is immediately throws up in the sink, which I did quite like. It's just like, no, the thing about me is I'm a giant pussy, and I don't want to do this. We haven't quite gotten to that stage yet because they realize that they need to get into Alcatraz, but they're going to have to go in from underground.

Yeah, the Sanifation. Yeah, in the shower. Alcatraz is a whole mess of tunnels, and only one man has ever escaped from Alcatraz. It's James Bond. It's James Bond. It's James Bond. It's James Bond, because the thing about this is... He is James Bond. From Alcatraz 30 years ago, he doesn't officially exist.

He's the only one ever to escape, and he's been in jail for 30 years. Yes, he's a Bruce. He's a Bruce Bond. He's a Bruce Bond. He's a Bruce Bond. James Bond. James Bond. And the thing is, right He's a British spy and his name is James Bond. And the thing is, right, at this point, I developed what I like to call the grand unified theory of bonds.

Because my theory is this. The grandest. We did. We developed it together. We did. And what we came up with is Sean Connery is James Bond. He is then imprisoned by the Americans for bond crimes. George Lason B takes over.

George Lason B is exiled to Hong Kong. And Roger Moore takes over. Roger Moore drowns in San Francisco harbor at the end of Cannonball run, allowing Timothy Dalton to take over. Okay. Timothy Dalton retires to manage a rural English superman. And Pierce Brosnan takes over.

Pierce Brosnan is still in a fucking North Korean prison camp. Yeah, he's still in the pussy mind palace. In the pussy mind palace. Which looks like the events of Mamma Mia. Yeah, and Craig takes over. And so every other movie that these guys have been in, you looks like the events of Mamma Mia. Yeah, and Craig takes over. And so every other, every other movie that these guys have been in, you know, the, the butterfly dreams of the existence of the sage, the, in the pussy mind palace in North Korea, this is Pierce Brosnan Bond is dreaming the events of Mamma

Mia and the Thomas Crown affair. He's just like, hollered in a corner, singing Ava to himself in a corner singing Ava to himself and a self. Yes. Sean Connery Bond is in fucking federal prison going what if I spoke Japanese? This is extremely perfecilvy. What if I was a detective and I spoke on Japanese? This is a grand unified. What if I was a champi? Yes, all movies exist within the life of these men who are all James Bond not anyways ssornconnery bonds has been in prison for 30 years he's the only one who can get them in

so they they drag him into a salon he's got a long hair and he's all haggard and they say you're gonna help us out and he's like ah get fucked and I probably not. I'm gonna need about 50 different things. I'm gonna need a penthouse, a full pardon, like I need my dick sucks. I need some steak and pistachios. And Nicholas Cage, because he's a pussy and he's not a real FBI agent, gives him all of this shit and he gives him a pardon to sign.

But as soon as he goes back in the other room, the director of the FBI hairs up that pardon front of me, he's like, no, it got to be two day after a start. No, he's released. At which point Connery uses a quarter that another agent had flipped him as a joke. He uses that to break the two-way mirror

and sees the FBI director and is like, whoa, Mark, you piece of shit. And like, whoa, Mark is such a fucking like bad guy in the 90s action movie night. You know how, you know how you can cut through last of the coin? You know how that works?

Yeah. Easily. Easily. I'm apparently Nicholas Cage insisted like after coming into the movie that he play a good speed as like a really straight arrow Like he wanted him to be a really good guy So he he argued with Michael Bay and said no, I don't want him to swear and

So so like that's why he says like G-Wiz like so like knowing that now I was noticing a new all these things like like when he first rolls up and that hangar and he goes neat plane It's wow It's a nice decision. We get a wow out of him Wow, and then and then when they say go in there and tell him that he can have a pardon and everything And he goes, oh, you know, we're gonna pardon him and they're like no and he says you want me to lie me and you want an FBI agent to lie And so there's all these points in this where like his character

refuses to swear or is just like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna dog this guy. I'm not gonna dog the boys, which he also does with. It's cute, it's good. Knee plane, that cracked me up. Knee plane. So yeah, so he gives Sean Connery everything he wants and Sean Connery gets to go to the penthouse.

We get a fun little bit of homophobia because he gets a haircut and in order to get a haircut They have to let an eye left. Well there are some who like let's a fucking a dick fall out of his mouth before giving every fucking line It's really embarrassing Yeah, it's it's not I should made me feel bad Like even more than like Winton kid did it's just yes. Yeah, it's more Homie because yeah, you had a dress, it's more like a gay hairdresser.

It's sending the gay hairdresser. Because it's also like homophobia by way of misogyny, because like he's bad because he's a feminine. I am, I did have a note which is Michael Bay loves funny black people and gays. And yeah, yeah, absolutely. He loves the comic relief black person. He loves that shit.

We've already like flown past two that we didn't mention. Yeah, when they take when they take the when they take Alcatraz over and they lock all of the tourists as like go through the sassification process and everybody gets very loud amount of... Yes, the sassification. And yeah, like if that, it's a huge, huge recurring thing in all of Michael Bay's movies. Like we get all the hallmarks here, we get the Hunts in a soundtrack,

we get the rotating camera shot of Nicholas Cage as he stands up after a car chase. We have a Ferrari. Yeah, because we were about to get the car chase. What happens is Sean Connery dangles the director of the FBI. He like hostilely dangles him over the edge of this balcony. And then it's just getting a little... It's getting a little bit...

It's getting a little bit higher up, both things considered. Yeah, and then he escapes out of the hotel, the FBI tried to chase him, they're shit at it. And giant pussy, not really FBI agent, Nicholas Cage, steals a yellow Ferrari and gives chase to him through the streets of San Francisco. This is very badly edited. There's a lot of like extreme closeups and crash scenes

and so on. Microwaves patented way too many cuts style really shines through here because you can't see shit of what's happening. And Bond is doing Bond one line as these are crushing people's cars with all these other stuff. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I wrote this is a lot like the last time I had a car chase in San Francisco. Oh, when I was the same and when I just fucked Diane Feinstein.

Yeah, exactly. Um, after he, uh, yeah, after that. So, Nicholas Cage works out where he's going, because while he was in federal prison, with no name in the fucking man with the Iron Mask, he had his like fucking dependent listed in San Francisco. So he works out that's where he's going.

He's just going to see his daughter. So Nicholas Cage finds him. And instead of arresting him because he's a straight hour, because he's a good guy, he goes up to his daughter and he's like, yeah, your dad's just helping us with an urgent mission here. It's cute. It's like spares his feelings. and then immediately after having done so,

he delivers the best and loudest line read. What do you see? We cut the chitchat, A-hole! Because he doesn't swear. What do you say? We cut the chitchat, A-hole. It's like they're walking away and fucking fast. It's just like, thank you for that, you don't have to do that. And he's just like, I nearly died like five times.

The fuck is wrong? A hole. Okay. So a reluctant, a reluctant James Bond is dragged back into the, back into the fold where they now plan the offensive with the seals, right? There's a Navy seal team who are going to deliver them. That's right.

That like Sean Connery is gonna guide them through the tunnels he escaped through, and then Nicholas Cage is gonna disarm the fucking missiles. And Bond has to go in person, because he can't remember the route from the blue prince. He's like, I'm gonna go to, and the FBI director's like, no way. And Bond's like, well, you're between the rock

and a hard case. Mm. Duh, duh, duh. Wow. Yeah, Now that was fine. I like that. Also, the whole time they're doing this, they have them online with the radio and they're calling the SEAL team the Eagles, which it amused me. We have taken hotel-girls for you.

Yeah. So, the Eagles breach into the penetration point in the shower room. The thing about Alcatraz is that underneath it, there's a sort of house of leave style on ending labyrinths, which is just, it's got to mine, it's a mess. It's like a fire. It has like an old Spanish mine.

Yeah, it is for no fucking reason. There are massive cogs that just don't seem to be attached to anything. In German terms, it's like the underside of Jumanji. Yeah, so the seals breach into the penetration point and are immediately detected and owned. And what happens then is they get the sort of like thing where if you're in the army, right, you communicate entirely through yelling. So Hummel yells at the leader of the seals to like stand down and the seals seem to be the yells back and this continues for

a good couple of minutes until they're just doing this. It's going long. It's a really long sitting. I like this. I like it too many tops to the party. I like this scene so much because it's really apparent in this that Hummel is bluffing the whole way through. Yes, because he's a good guy. He's the whole thing is ever because Marines keep getting killed. He doesn't want to kill more of them.

No, and when they do get killed, it's by accident, so he's a good guy. Like somebody like knocks over a rock or something and everybody starts shooting and it grieves him. And he like, he blames the government for like sending them in the first place and making him killed. I was like so much slow motion and like sad trumpet. It was like, oh no. Everyone's so, this is what's ever scene where it starts to become clear. Yeah.

I summarized the next 40 minutes of this movie with a single note, which is lots of silly bullshit happens. Because everyone except Agent Bond dies. This scene is also the one where it starts to become apparent that his men are a lot more into this than he is. Yes. Yes. They're like, oh fuck yeah, killamann, meanwhile, he's like sort of

crackly faced and austere. So what happens is that his men chased them around the like pants labyrinth under alcatraz, and the whole time Sean Connery is trying to get out because he wants no pass on this. And fucking Nicholas Cage is trying to like pull him back in and like to Joel him. He saves his life at one point and find whatever. I saw of your aliens moment, right? All the Marines are dead and you've just got Ripley Connery. Yeah, yeah, I'm newt, I guess. Sean Connery crushes a man's head with an air conditioner. We also learned a little bit about why he was in prison. Yeah, for bond crimes. He was in prison because he has a shitload of microfilm exposing aliens at Roswell who really killed JFK, all of the shit that the US government wants to hide and everything.

He's just got everything. Yeah. Why he's in prison is because he stole the microfilm on which is to keep all of the secrets. Yeah, and it's hidden and he won't give it up because if he gives it up, they'll they'll Epstein him. They'll suicide him in prison. Yeah. So he's been held without trial of 30. Yes, yes. By Womack, particularly, which is why he's mad at him. So they get chased around the fucking island, Nicholas Cage disarms some of the missiles. It's always really precarious because he has to maneuver around the like elegant string of poles. Meanwhile, the deadline is getting closer and the Air Force are finally like ready

to go with this thermite plasma thing to just incinerate all of Alcatraz. As the deadline comes, they use a hostage to coerce Sean Connery into giving himself up where he just debates the guy. He debates him in the mind, dojo, with fact-of-model. He enters the mind dojo and he goes, oh, patriotism is bad. And he punches him and he goes, oh, thank you for making my point. Kind of ironic for this film to be patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Yeah, excellent use of the knee in my fucking head fallacy. Fantastic use of the like breaking all of my teeth fallacy. We think you have a siege move of this ad-holvenum, sir. Yeah, and the shit kicked out of them. Yes. Fucking... They disable all but two of the rocket space. All but two of the rockets. The fucking deadline comes and goes. And in order not to blink, being pressured by his men, Ed Harris fires one of the missiles

at a football game. But then... But then... But then... But then... But then... But then... But then. But then gas is just slowly becoming less potent because the first time they're on, first I know disarming a missile, like he type as he picks it up, fucking like, gives it over to Bond who holds it very still and then of the next one he's just doing it like on his own. And he's throwing the round. He's like, my chugling would just put it down. Yeah.

the round. He's like, struggling with it. Just put it down. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he fires, he fires one missile and then like a bouts of it the last second as if to like fake out the government. This does not work. And his men get very mad at him for looking weak or incompetent. Dude, you didn't kill 70,000 people. You look like a pussy right now. What do you do? You're gay or something? I can't even, has a line where he gets, he gets back to Cage and he's just like,

yeah, he's not gonna do it. I've seen his eyes. Yeah, of course he's bitch made. We see that Cage and Bond get locked in the cells at Alcatraz and Bond escapes because of course he has escaped Alcatraz before. He just does this thing again. He's in like five minutes. Not even a worthwhile point to put in.

So there's one missile left now and at this of like everybody but Ed Harris and his second and command, Major Baxter, are like, wait a second, we're not getting that million dollars, are we? And he tries to fucking go like Coriolayna's on them. He's like, wait, wait a second, you're still like soldiers and Marines. And they point out quite reasonably, hey, we just like killed a shitload of Navy SEALs. We're pretty certain that makes us mercenaries now. And the thing about mercenaries is get fucking paid. Yeah. So,

so his two captains are becoming very, very, very well-dressed. He's curiously paid, is really a question here. Because like, he curiously has the money and he's just holding out on them. If they take over operations, they've just got one missile and a shitload of incoming napar. The group that betrays him also curiously contains every black marine there. Not sure what's up with that. Well, interesting. Anyway, they kill Ed Harris, who as he is dying

is like, what have I done comes to his senses? Tells Nicholas Cage with the last Miss Isle is. Nicholas Cage has to disarm it against the clock while the Air Force are about to bomb the place. And at this point, I wrote down, I love the ending of no time to die. Yeah. So there's an interesting scene a little bit earlier where they decide to give the air strike. And we see the President of the United States make this decision. And then it's kind of a way to decision because, you know, 82 civilians and a bunch of Marines are going to die.

And the president gives this speech about how, like, you know, you should respect the troops and like, this is really bad. And when soldiers are ignored and marginalized, it's really bad. And mine, let's say, like as somebody who, even with relative privilege in my country, is actually marginalized and who is like, as somebody who is being illegally denied healthcare by my own country, I find these sentiments extremely hollow. And my notes say patriotism has become a foreign country to me. I just don't understand.

Just look at it. It's through it here. Yeah, like these people like love of that country. I'm just like, I remember when I used to feel like that. And now my country has decided to make an enemy of me and my friends. So like, get fucked. So we have 16 VX gas missiles. Yeah. We will be firing them with a gender identity. We're all wearing that sick ass camouflage. Yeah, no, the other thing is, as you mentioned, 900 million estrogen pills.

The VX gas gets way less deadly. So at the end, Nicholas Cage kills the last mercenary guy by pushing one of those glass vials into his mouth. Yeah, there's a lot to done. Okay, so when he's doing the last mess, all right, when he's disarmed as last mess, he takes out the V8 and the the biggest blackest marine who is also the baddest guy, interesting walks in and he's like, got a knife and Nick's holding the fucking VX gas and he goes, do you not know how this works? And the guy holding a knife signals with the knife because you not know how this works.

And I got you be man, I'm defeated with facts and logic, marine Todd wins again. There's a lot of like sexual taunting from the Maria. Yeah, I guess the from the Maria. Yeah, well, again, the weird homophobia. Yeah. There's a prison rape joke that Sean Connery makes when he's like, I don't want to go back to prison because I have to fucking watch out on the showers, although not so much now that I'm old because I've lost my sex appeal. And it's like, that's how I said. I'll be honest, I missed a lot of Connery lines because I was watching this and it didn't have subtitles, so they just couldn't understand what was being said a lot of the

time. Just because he's got it. React 12 top 4. It's a cheesy Scottish night, I'm right. It's just, it's just like daydreaming. At one point he makes a perfect soy face, which is going to be the actual. Yes, he does. But the way the Dis marine who has the knife,

waving it, yeah, the way this marine who has the knife goes out is so needlessly brutal. Yeah, he like fires the rocket at him and it knocks him out of the window into San Francisco Bay. It's like this guy goes out like he's been the primary antagonist for two hours of screen time instead of like ten minutes. I'm a bizarre Elton John themed quip about the song Rocket Man. He's impaled on a fence. Yeah, it's frisely.

Yeah. There's a lot of like, it's sort of extreme violence in here. Like Sean Connery, like fucking throws a knife into a dude's head. Yeah extreme violence in here. Like Sean Connery, like fucking throws a knife into a dude's head. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so. And to live as a line that I didn't hear.

Someone fistfights Sean Connery and calls him an English prick, which is funny. This is funny. Nicholas Cage disarms the last bomb, but it's too late. The fucking air force throughout the bomb the place. And so the English prick line is so fucking good. Cause he's fighting Sean Connery's like,

my parents are from Ireland. English prick. And I'm like, yeah, Nicholas Cage jabs himself in the thigh with the atropine or the chest, the heart with the atropine, so that he doesn't die of VX gas poisoning. And he calls off the fucking air strike with a flare at just the last second. And he, he swares at one of the Marines to show a character, right? Yes. Yeah, he's, he's, he's based now. The FBI coming in rescuers all the hostages. He tells them that James Bond is dead, allowing him to like get his freedom. Meanwhile, James Bond tells him where the microfilm is.

Yeah, which is fucked up. Like, you do not Bond tells him where the microfilm is. Yeah, which is fucked up. Like, you do not want to know where that microfilm is. Yeah, literally he goes and gets it in the last scene that's played for laughs. He's like, he looks at it and he's like, Hey, do you know who really killed JFK? Haha, the dinkster. We've established this. Yeah, the dinkster was a sniper rifle from the town text building. And that's that's the micro microphone is just like, no, legitimately just was.

Yeah. This is my microphone from Russia with love. We've come full circle and it's just him fucking. It's a film that I don't know. You know, you know, you know, you know, who killed James Bond? Well, I do too, but this is a, this is a series of stables of peace of fucking Sean Connery, like having sex with a Russian woman. Tatiana.

And that's the movie The Rock. It's very insubstantial is the thing. Well, that's because you're not a... You're not gonna be so... Maybe you don't get it. Yeah, that's for example. You're just stasis. So I'm a fucking civilian. What can we say about this movie? Anything? Yeah, that's pretty close. It's some fucking civilian.

What can we say about this movie? Anything? You know, it is fun. I enjoyed watching it. It's very silly. It did make me feel like quite bitter at certain points in that it kind of presents patriotism as being something that is accessible to everyone. And it's like, actually, some of us cannot love our country because our country does not love us back.

It's the most normal Michael Bay movie, which is still not good on that whole book. I had a good time there. It was nice to watch a good bad movie. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And just like bad movies, which is what we've been doing for our entire fucking podcast during time. And it is and it gave us the grand unified theory of bonds. So, you know, I'm grateful to it for that. With my giant fan, I was with a massive like perfect Sofia Wall. Yes, yes, someone draw that off me. Please, the reason why he's called John Mason in this is sort of James Bond is because they gave his name to the next guy. Yeah, exactly. That's why George Lason be his name, what he's named in the man from Hong Kong instead of James Bond.

Listen, it's never happened to be ever-go. We have two science-based systems on this podcast. Yes. We had the scum system for bond movies. And this is a bond movie. However, as we transition out of the bond era, yeah, as we transition our genders away from James Bond, we start to think that maybe a different science-based racing system is needed.

So Abigail, would you care to introduce science-based racing system number two? Yes, I've been in the in the kill James Bond lab with our various wiglers and flasks and and lasers. And I have I have developed the science-based system. We call it the girth system. And we are going to because we are looking at assigned movies at birth movies that tell us something about masculinity, we're going to rate how insecure these films are out of 007. In the category, how insecure are they about glory, intellectualism, respecting the troops, and heterosexuality? G-I-R-T-H-Y. What testing it out? Checked out. So, it looks systems out. How insecure is this film about glory and glory seeking?

I mean, it's seven. Yeah, no, that's absolutely the point of it. Yeah, no, we should do more glory. And also, like if you die doing illegal things like invading China during the Vietnam War, you should still be allowed to have glory even though you've given it up. Yeah, seven. Yeah, definitely. Intellectualism. I think this is low because Sean Connery is portrayed as a badass despite the fact that he quotes Oscar Wilde and reads Sun Su. But he reads, yeah, but it's specifically Sun Su. So you were allowed to be an but he's, it's specifically Sunsou. So you allowed doing intellectuals, as long as it is in service of war.

No, there's shate to be in there too. True. Even has a line where he's talking about being in prison is just like these days, I probably would have liked to be a philosopher instead. Yeah, no, I think it's low on the anti-intellectualism. I'd say this could be like a two even. Fair enough.

I think I know respecting the troops. Seven. I think I know respect to the truth. Seven. Yeah, that's so it. Respecting the truth, Aesop. And how concerned is this from a heterosexuality? We do have that homophobia, but it could have been more misogynist. Yeah.

For speaking women characters of whom only one is really a character. Mm. Yeah, and her primary character trait is being pretty much. Marriage, and I want to get married, yeah. It's sort of middling, isn't it? I'd say maybe like a four. Three, a three or four? Okay. Well, we have nothing to compare this to, but nonetheless, what is the result?

What is the average? What is the girth movie of this movie? This movie's girth is 19. That's a wider movie. We'll see, we'll see, we'll see how girthy future movies get. We want to see a cross-teen and good night for this, why not? It's a minute. Yeah, sure. How far is this upon movie? What are we thinking about for our front seats? Which bad guy goes above and beyond for the cause of the Viviny? I mean, listen, the knife guy who's like, yeah, you may have a vial of nerve gas, but I have a knife.

I don't know what he is, Mr. Sennis. He's a vial person. Yeah, absolutely, Mr. Knife. Yeah. No. No. Knife. What about the good night cross?

What about an undereffreciated good character? Obviously, it can't be fucking like Christmas tip, or whatever, because he fucks up everything. Give it to the, give it to the, give it to the, yelling Navy seal. No, the head dress, are you all right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Head dresser. Head dresser. Sorry, stylist. Of course. Of course. Of course. Well, this has been a somewhat rushed to do the time, but very complete James Kiljames Bond on the subject of the rock. Andrew,

thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. If the people want more Andrew in their life, where can the people get more Andrew? Start corresponding with me privately via mail. And if you want to just read your address. A PO box. You should get a PO box. People have been asking for a while.

You can listen to... Yeah, you can get a PO box. Get a PO box. You can listen to Buntavista. Let's be double O-N-T-A. Buntavista. Go to Buntavista.com. Find the show

and it's a little pun on the the album when a vista social was a little bit like that and BUNTA BUNTA being a BUNTA being a South Australian expression for going a bit apeshit uh yeah if you would if you would like to hear I never knew that Been listening to Bonavista since the least episode on there's no idea what it was

Fun in the name. It's not a thing that we're addressing on a regular basis or anything If you if you would like to hear the I guess the least relevant news that you're gonna hear all week Disgust by people who don't really know anything about it Do you need to wonder vista yeah do that and subscribe to us it. Do you need to wonder, Vista? Yeah, do that. And subscribe to us. You get bonus episodes. Subscribe to Vista. Follow, follow Andrew on Twitter at Ileabotion. Thanks for all this.

Well, of course, be in the discussion. Follow all of us on Twitter. And also ask me about my grand unified theory of bonds, because I will talk about it for several hours to anyone, prompted or unprompted. We'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Links to all of Andrews various ventures will of course be in the description. Bit of a short episode this week we bumped up against someone else who had booked the recording studio, so what can you do? Gail James Bond will return in two weeks time for a whole new guy,

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