Upstream - Episode 23: Casino Royale

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

It's time- since day one people have been waiting in the wings for us to finally get to Casino Royale!   Accept absolutely no fucking substitutes babey!!! Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, it is Devon here. If you can believe it, I'm editing the next Reel 4 of these in one batch altogether So that Nate can have some time off over the goddamn holiday period. It deserves it This means nothing for you. These will be edited and Scheduled to release on the typical days. So you get absolutely no change in content except due to me banking them, I won't have the capacity to read out the usual list of patron names right at the very end. Because I like to do those just before they go out so that it's as current as possible. So for this one and maybe the next couple,

that will be missing, but that is really all that you will notice. So without further ado, Casino Royale. Hello and welcome to Kill James Bond. I am James Bond 007 joining me are James Bond 007 and James Bond 007. Hello. And we are entering a new era here today. Gone are the silly bonds of Brosnan and more. Instead, we're doing something a bit more dark and a bit more tactical. So finally, a little bit of a gritty reboot. Yes. Yes.

And this is the thing, right? We have to sort of let go of our same guy thesis a bit here in that. We see very explicitly that this is not the same guy. We have a new origin story for James Bond, Agent 007, because of course now all movies have to have an origin story. And so this Bond is, he's a decorated military veteran, a war hero, even. Really? And we see him being recruited in this first movie

of this New York, a scene of Royale, which we're watching. We see him be recruited by M into an elite tier of MI6. And in order to do this, recruited by M into an elite tier of MI6. And in order to do this, M has to visit Bond at his manor house, driving past his lions. And then... The best thing about this is since it has been made with hindsight on the rest of the Bond series,

there are some little subtle digs at James Bond's. Um, it's... So, we've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you.

We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. We've got you. David never motherfuckers 67 Sevens Cassena Royale Another Cassena Royale that was the other one a second We make you out like L movie has struck the kill James Bond podcast And this is this is like an official bond of him like he the Kill James Bond podcast. And this is, this is like an official

Bond film. Like he's called James Bond. Like many, many years in it, like, well, they do come in James Bond, but they pronounce it like wrong on purpose. Like James Bond, all seven. That's, that's not either of the things he's called. Well, M was just very Scottish in this movie. That's true. That's true. So in this, James Bond is Sir James Bond, and he's old. He's old bond, punished bond, if you will, because he is retired from British government service

after they made him turn in his, the one love of his life, Mattahari, for execution by the French During the during the first world war. This is where we're fucking this is where we're going here Yeah, all the way back gentlemen spies. He he very specifically says the guy The guy that you gave my name and number two is yeah, the bacherous The guy that you gave my name and number two is the bacherous sex maniac. So he's celibate is the thing like he's straight edge bond. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't drink. He doesn't check.

In what's a totally novel idea for the series, he's a bond out of time. But this time interesting. The bond. Yeah, I've seen that before. The bond out of time is the time is like about 1900. So he wears a fucking little sleeping cap and a smoking jacket. And when we see him at his manor house,

where he plays diversity and keeps lions, the first thing that we see him doing is he is exercising on what I can only describe as a sort of a manual bond wiggler. Yeah, but he's doing tricep dips wearing a white tie and a turban. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Like a fucking pig turban.

No, my fucking turban. And so M arrives along with the heads of various other spy agencies. Every other spy agency, all of whom bond with Russian Americans. And remembers from when they were young. He has a line, he speaks to the Russian, he's like, I remember your Cheb Lenin, they were first class organizer, second class mind. Fucking got his ass.

Shut up. Also, he has a stammer, as you can tell. Yeah, I don't have a little stammer, it's, but like M sort of exalt him to the other see he points out that he's like part of this austere Almost like celibate priesthood of spies who are like an alternative to war. He says good spies are pure spy Inside and out a herbal animus. We fix you up a pure spy inside and out. A herbal animus would fix you up. I don't know how that drop you never seen ever again got in there. Yeah, I got confused because I didn't know which casino rail. I thought we were doing

the 1954 television movie of casino rail and third thought we were going to see it. I really can see it. And it's like two scenes long, so. Yeah. He also hates gadgets and he loves being retired. So when the heads of the spy adjoons come to him and they say, look, we've got spies being killed all over, something's really going bad. The wrong we need you back. He's like, I'm sorry.

Now, from now on, my life is about to busty. Yes, yes. In fact, he tells them specifically that... It is now that time of day I have set apart for Debussy. Every fucking hour every day, baby. I did I did clip just to be on the side. Just in case you want to see. Busy galore, of course you are. So there's he has these lines that he's talking to a guy and he like lists out the gadgets that they obviously have like the CIA guys got a red car nation

and he's like that's phrase poison and he goes your jokes shop spires gentlemen. Fucking again got the rest. Yeah, I was like, oh I'm in for David. David Niven. David Niven, very talented. Like, the sales this very well. Um, can I know if you tell me what happens next? Because sadly, this is this film is from before they invented editing. So I don't really know what happens at the end of the season. There's a scene missing, as far as I can tell, because it ends with all of them stood around. He's refusing to come with him and gives the order to just shell his house. Which is insanely funny.

It's like, some of his shit explodes, M's fucking two pay fives off and then it cuts directly to M's funeral. Yeah, M is the fuck killed by the mortar attack that he ordered in order to blow up. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's so funny. So, yes. James Bond is brought out of retirement by M. Suicide bombing himself with a mortatine.

It's what happened to me. It's the exciting incident. So Bond becomes the new M, which I thought was quite an interesting thing to do. We also see our villains who are not specter, but smush. They want to smush every time. They want to tarnish Sir James Bond's image as a kind of celibate and straight list spy. all of this is controlled, by the way, through a kind of, what I can only discover is a go control room. There's a number of like, it's where I record from. Absolutely. Absolutely. Record from your little conversation pit. A circular conversation

pit. Small conversation pit. In the middle of a big, gay, electric model of England and Scotland. In the middle of a big, gay, electric model of England and Scotland. And then you give orders to a series of women who are like secreted around the countryside. I do, yes. So Bond. In history. Bond goes to M's ancestral home in Scotland, Skyfall. Um, where? It goes on for a minute.

This is a two hour movie and it feels it. In that respect, it really is a Bond movie. We learn that M's Widow has been replaced by a Smirsh double. Yes. And then there's about 15 minutes of movie where the joke is that they're Scottish. Yes, but also, that's common. This film is, this film is to Scotland what you only live twice is to Japan And they're like you're fucking heard. It's like a whole other country up there and like

You say and far to become a galaglass Second you take a wife to give you extra special cover So bond goes to M's ancestral castle where the spy playing his widow sort of like vamp scottishly at him. Yes, by the way, doing an incredible job. Yes. We even get the extended joke where somebody explains what Haggis is. And it's like, yeah, I'm aware of it. Like, it's good. I have it for breakfast. It's nice. Like, Scotland is just a normal place that you could go and it's like yeah I'm aware of it like it's good I have it for breakfast it's nice like Scotland is just a normal place that you could go and that's it like it's fucking Mars you live there I just wouldn't say normal yeah true that's true so yeah so what happens next is

a sort of a sex comedy where all of these like young, in fact, now troublingly young, attracting some of the age 16 and 19. Yeah, he definitely goes, how many of the, how many of how many daughters does M have? Oh, 11, who's the youngest? Me, I'm 16, who's the oldest? I'm 19. And you're just like, ah, this is this is a bit of a sexual pickle for James Bond, a man committed to celibacy.

Yeah, I'm sure he's one of them in this scene. He's one of them in the scene, a big Megan Pegg. To me. What is, this is only sold by David Niven's sort of, like relentless affability where he plays this sort of like very straight arrow sort of like frigid deer sort of like very straight arrows sort of like brigadier sort of like character. There's a fantastic little touch that I know so to where he like he's going past all of their rooms and they're like peering out at him

and then like gounts and he's sort of like nodding very demurally to them. And then one of them like sort of like lunges sexually at him and he like jumps out of the way into an enormous stuffed bear which he also then gives the like polite nod to and I like that a lot I love to lunge sexually Yeah, yeah, I was a lot throughout the course of this movie But niven is a person comfortable from this as I am watching it. Yes. Yes. He's where he's wearing a little sleeping cap the whole time and everybody is trying to fuck him and he does not want to be fucked at all. What happens then is after this like bath,

they like try and get him drunk to seduce him. And this, he's sort of like, Oh, is that what happens? Yeah, not entirely clear, but it backfires in that every single other person gets drunk to the point of Catatonia and he simply leaves the... Yeah, he just outfrinks them. And he's like, ah, good night.

I think listeners is that none of this is funny. No, not even what I would know. What I would definitely make clear here is that they're trying to do jokes throughout this. And the none of them are landing in the slightly landing. Yeah. So the alleged widow, right, tries to then come into his room at night to to fuck him in like. So I so I want I'd actually do on this. This scene is legitimately very, very good because James Bond 007, James Bond is in bed. He's he's reading or something and the seat door opens and Deborah Kerr is wearing like

a night D night dress. She's just like really trying to seduce this guy and if it was Connery, you know exactly how it would go but since this very straight attempt to seduction is intercut with shots of David Niven lying on top of the sheets wearing like a fucking... He's wearing a stocking nightie. Yeah, yeah. With a fucking sleeping cap just looking quite politely confused. It's so fucking good. I want I want new to know that as part of a sort of a this wasn't intended as method acting but David never went into this movie thinking he was going to play Bond's right he didn't know it was gonna be a comedy so that's sort of

most of the forms yes. Wow. Yeah that sort of informs a lot of his acting here. Yeah, so fuck sake, what happens like I wrote down at this point with 13 minutes into this movie. I have vaccine madness. I This is this is exhausting at this point. This is a death month. So he refuses to have sex with her And then she says oh as a result you have to challenge my sons to a shop put competition, which again, isn't funny and Bond wins. And then as a result of him winning, she genuinely falls in love with him. Yeah, he gets insanely horny. She breaks the character. There's a grouse shoot. Of course, of Bond doing the like the shop put contest, we like these big Atlas stones, right? They're picking up all the strong guys are picking up and falling over, you know, the fucking deal. But throughout it, like

Debra Carr is getting insanely lost in the sauce. They're getting horny over David Noan. And like the girls behind her are just like, a fucking Mimi's lost it. All right, get a keys. We've stuck it. And there's a grass chute. They tried to they tried to launch Grouse shaped missiles at him. Yeah, but crucially, none of this is funny. They they tried to do the sort of the ACF thing of having a big dog filled with Tana right. They fill a bunch of grouse with Tana right and then like, I'm sorry,

the what? Okay, I'm not going then. Let's go. Okay, so there's two things you need to understand about this joke, right? One, the ACF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, notorious for shooting people's dogs when they raid their houses. They're like ATF X clearly, what the fuck are they doing? They can't shove an extra word on the X. Two, Tanerite is a form of like binary explosive that is detonated by violent shock,

typically gunfire. Consequently, there was a gunnut meme that did the rounds about like trapping the ATF into coming to your house, stuffing it like a fake dog with Tanerite and wasting for them to shoot it and blow up the house. That's the reference that I'm making in relation to these fucking grouse homing missiles.

Okay, thank you. I got about half of that. I could have just skipped over this, but that's why I'm on the podcast, you know. So you do put in the the more you know sting here. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you. here. So Mimi saves him by saying I work for Schmurch, they're trying to do something unclear, but she saves him and then she's like, oh, I'm dying. Please get speedy because of her and she's like, well, JK, I'm not, I'm actually going to become a nun. Yeah, I'm going to become a nun and yeah, she does. She just leaves.

She does do that. At this point, Bond leaves. He drives back down to London. He simply leaves. He's a lot of like leaves. The scene has no point. Nothing that's happened during this. So he goes to next location.

He just leaves. He goes to England, but on the way down there, a sexy woman and a jaguar e-type tries to guide in a beautiful car. An unmanned milk float full of explosives into his car, which is a very old fashioned Bentley. Which the milk float is being controlled from inside the girl control center. Yes. And as I mentioned to anyone, they've got a a scale act tricks model of England and Scotland with a little

car. It's so cute. It's very fun. The most obviously a scale extra thing you've ever seen. Like it literally. The movie. The movie ends up going to be violent. The projection in this scene is absolutely. Yes.

It's like a beautiful, just phenomenal stuff. Sound editing hadn't been invented yet. So every time they need to spice things up a bit, much like the earliest two Bond movies, where they just slam the theme in there, they just bless the music over it. And it's really, really distracting. Anyway. The movie owns some points for violence when no sexy lady in the Jaguar is killed by the workload exposed. he's horribly. Yeah, the way the fucking synopsis on Wikipedia does this is, Bond survives another attempt on his life. No, no, Bond manipulates events so that he can kill a woman with a car bomb. And then when he is exploded, he goes like, and he like tuts in a little like. Yeah, he doesn't have like a

one-liner. He just tuts and then continues to try it up. That's the thing that I just did. Yeah, absolutely. That's the same. This one really does just kill a woman outright. Yeah, he does. At this point in the movie, listeners, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to become feral. Yes. So someone enters a scene. Would you like to take us through this one, Abigail? I can try. So we get to London. Bond is now the new M, which I think is an interesting kind of setup. Yeah, his little assistant tells him, we've got this board covered with flags for agents, many of them are dead and then there's one in the Caribbean. And fucking Bond goes, what about the guy you gave my codename and my name to?

What about Sean Connery? And the guy in a perfect, a perfect Devon reference goes, We've had to take him off the board, sir. We've had to take him off the board. I, we've had to take him off the board. I'm gonna get some use out of that drop. Headleys entire bit, which is the assistant, is entire bit as that he speaks weird, and it is funny.

Yes, yeah, I'll be honest. But the reason listeners that I'm gonna have to become feral is that the other person in the scene is the new money penny, who, if you can imagine such a thing, and I have imagined it many times, if you can imagine Kim Petrus with an American accent, that is who is playing money penny in the scene. My notes say capital letters italics damn.

But Bond introduced himself to her by kissing her on the mouth and then goes, oh money penny, you haven't changed a bit. And she says, that you're thinking of my mum. I'm her daughter. And then they have a lot of sex repar say through the rest of the movie where she's like, oh, yeah, my mum used to talk about fucking you a lot. It was weird actually. But this is the existence of this incredibly hot American blonde woman listeners is the first hint that what we're actually watching here is kill James Bond the movie.

Yes. And that what they have done is taken all the bits from this podcast and like, eat each of the three of us separately read a first draft of a script, which has then been mashed together. We've already had, and yeah, that was my part of it. And then we had American Kim Petrus, so like, but then, yeah, and then I,

right birds, I become feral because you, you, you see, watch this movie before me. And what you did was you said, don't look at the cast list. You'll know it when it happens. There was a moment where you will become absolutely ungovernable. And I thought having kept my eyes rigorously closed through the opening credits, this was the moment you meant. Because... Ha! Woody Allen enters the movie.

There is a cutaway. Woody Allen is playing Jimmy Bond, which is of course Sir James Bond's nephew. And now we'd like to enter a part of this show that I like to call Kill James Bond does not get sued by Woody Allen. So what we're going to do is not say anything. Because in an incredible metaphor for Woody Allen's career post 1992, we see him being led to a firing squad. Yeah, Woody Allen is about to be executed for his crimes in character.

Yeah, and I made some notes here and I can't read them. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He does the Woody Allen bit. He's only got one bit. Uh-uh, my doctor said it would be very bad for me if he shot me. Uh-uh, and then he like escapes over the wall only to find that it's like there's a firing

squad at the other side of the wall like the using guy and then we'll be out of the movie. Yeah, it was a good bit. I believe that bit was written in by Woody Allen, but here's the thing, right? This this movie will get into the the making of this movie because this is the fascinating part to me rather than the movie itself. But Woody Allen did a pass at the script as did everybody else that went through like 20 drafts and he got a legal Notis he got his lawyers to draft up a thing saying it's he's had several

You firt very good reasons with certain He lost he like gotten in junction to say you cannot put written by Woody Allen on this movie under any circumstances. You cannot credit Woody Allen as having written this movie even slightly because of how bad it is. And he was right to do it. He was. Yeah, legitimately. That's the end of Woody Allen for now.

We go back to David Nivens. The James Barton. Yeah, and Bond says, okay, given my experiences in Scotland, Smirch are obviously using honey pots. They're using very sexy female agents. I have something for that. I have I have the drop, in fact, because he makes two changes. Change number, change number one. From now on, all remaining agents and trainees we've known as James Bond 007 including the girl. We're going to be rather confusing. Exactly.

Exactly. Agents of chaos. Everybody's James Bond 007. Mission two, because they're using these honeypots. We find the one man or women want and then we train him not to want women. We make a gay super agent. Yeah, this is a fine. I'm agent make him gay.

As you are saying, this is Kiljones Bond the movie. So he literally that makes you gay scene. Yeah, he literally he tasks money penny to find the sexiest agent they have by fucking all of them, which she does. It's a guy called Cooper, and then they send him to the gym that makes you gay. And at this point, I wrote down, first, you train hard and fast to become a faggot, because they have to take extra special jobs. You're taking my wife.

Take a boy wife. Take a boy wife. Yeah. Take a boy wife. So this guy's just in this gym. And then there's various like bond girl types trying like seduce him and that every turn what he does is he fucking judo throws them to the floor. It's so good.

This is so funny. This is incredible. It's so good. This is so funny. So this is incredible. It's incredible. It's really good. It's very cool. Sadly, it's also racist, but. Yes, yes, it is. That is true.

It's also incredibly funny, but one of them accuses him of being gay to try and fucking get inside. She does reverse psychology. So he comes up to her. She's really sexy sexy and he's like, what are you gonna do? And she's like, I'm not gonna do anything, but you're gonna do something unless you're one of them. And like, and she's like trying to like do double backflip reverse gay psychology on him. And he just like, you know, throw a second and then just you throw a second and she goes, oh, you're quite good. Yeah, to be fair, to be fair, if I had just had sex with American competitors, I also would

be turning all of these women down. Yeah, every other woman on earth comes towards you and you're just like, judo throw, get out of here. Undo. I'm fine. So James Bond senior, Niven, then goes to find Vespa Lind who is like in his bond double a seven. Yeah, who is written hired and is now, I don't actually know what she's doing.

She's girlbossing it, I guess. She's in business. She works at the business factory. She's primarily girlbossing it. She's dressed insanely. Yeah, yeah. Wearing a little bit of line feathers. There's a line that's just like,

do you always wear that the office And if I wore it in the street, I'd be stared up nice quite like So yeah, she her job as James Bond 007 on order some James Bond 007 is to recruit James Bond 007 Right a 007. Right. A fifth fourth. 007. 007.

Truck podcast. And this James Bond 007 is Peter Sellers. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Appearing in this movie. Now, I will point out, Peter Sellers. That is itorally appearing in this movie.

Peter Sellers. Earth's worst piece of shit. He appears in this movie. His terms to appear in this movie. Peace of sellers. Earth's worst piece of shit. He appears in this movie. His terms to appear in this movie were $1 million, out of a bunch of $12 million. So, three full points, which means this movie is still earning his estate money. And on the first day of shooting,

a white Bentley. And he got all of these things to be in this movie. Now what this does mean is that at the time he was the person who had been paid the most to play James Bontoff last summer. Yes. Because this was made in the Queen. That was true. He'll diamonds are forever I think. Yeah, I mean this was made in between Thunderball and you only lived twice. So like Connery hadn't even started asking for that kind of dolly yet. No, no, no, no. He's just overgrown model. And like Peter Sellers was at sort of the height of his career.

Yeah, no, absolutely. When you say white Bentley, do you mean as like to pick him up and drive him around? Or do you mean you need to keep? No, no, they gave him the car on the first day of shooting. Oh my God. But listen, anyway, then that's the pre, that's the precursor to the story about Peter Sellers. Oh, every, every other story that we will tell you

about Peter Sellers is going to be morally far more reprehensible than this, because this would be cool. There is nothing else cool that he does. So, piece of Stella's is being... Evelyn Trembl. Evelyn Trembl. This was a moment which clearly I wrote because Vespa Lynn James Bondoro Seven says to him,

isn't Evelyn a girl's name and he goes, no, it's mine. Which is a line I have used before. Not about names, we're like clothing, that kind of thing. Yeah, and she, she seduces him, right? Yes. Yeah, it's, it's, it's this expert in Bacara. Yeah. So it, we can explain now why he's in this film, but we don't find this out as the audience until like about an hour later. And so, uh, Lashifra, who we'll meet later, is he works for Smirch. He works for Smirch.

He works for Smirch, and he's going to have this high stakes back-or-out game in Casino Royale for crime reasons. And Everland Trembles Peter's House. Which is not a tight name. In this movie. Yeah, the part of Casino Royale occurs over the course of about 10 minutes in the middle of the movie, Casino Royale. But Everland Trembles has apparently developed a system for winning up back around 100% of the time. So so she's like, can you please like

You know join MI6 and we'll go and take him down That's kind of the gist of why he's here But in order to do this she seducises him and we get a weird scene, which I guess I must have written Because she's like oh like've got a closet behind you, like, would you put on some costumes? And it's like implied to be like sexy role playing. And he like comes out dressed as Hitler. You're talking about Adolf Hitler.

I mean, you can kill two from the movie. Literally comes out dressed as Hitler. And it's like a fun joke. He does a series of voices. There's just a bit, like it's the Peter Sellers does voices hour. Yeah. He does this and things.

The apartment is very funny to me. He comes over and like you see that she's in the kitchen and has just like a corpse on the table, covered in like a wrap or something. And he like pops up on the intercom. He's like, oh, sorry oh sorry hang on give me a second just like just staying into the fridge it's like sorry I was just showing someone out and then yes he slowly walks through her apartment he's walking slowly he's not filmed in slow motion there

are things moving in normal speed in the background and there's just a series of things that she owns there's a lot of fish she has Nelson's column she's just had series of things that she owns. There's a lot of fish. She has Nelson's column. She's just had that moved to outside her house. Do you know what's playing at this point? Look of love. The look of love, which was written for this movie. But that's right. It's been two years training in real life to become Harold Zakarsa and also to score this movie.

And the only thing that he got out of it was the look of love. Anyway, also, so Peter Sellers, like, she gets him in on the plus of Casino Royale, which is. Well, he's dressed as an Napoleon and then a rabbi. Yes, you have to dress. He's like on his knees at this point, and she comes up to him, and I wrote down

T for T asked height difference But like in general though for a comedian all of his lines are fairly serious and he's portrayed as like this sort of an ironic like sexual Like being and this makes a lot more sense when you realize that piece of sellers had a pass done on the script But only for his lines to try and make himself more desirable because he just wanted to play James Bond and not do a comment. Yeah, he hired Terry Selventer to write his dialogue

and nothing else. So if he could outshine Woody Allen and another man who arrives. Another man who we will get to. So this is also a good point to mention, listen, is that this film has five directors. Yes. None of whom are the people we've mentioned.

It just has five directors. So many cooks. Yeah. So he goes to James Bond training school, which is underneath Harrods, which I quite like. The thing is because there's another scene missing here, because it will not- We don't see that it's under harrods.

So he just goes into like, Hugh Brunt and then goes, Oh, you've got everything in harrods and everybody acts like that's a normal thing to say. There's the usual, like, background jokes. We get one of the best jokes in the film, which is there's like an army guy, karate chopping blocks of wood,

and then as Hugh comes past, he soots and like knocks himself out. I laughed about it but it was good. Now we have to talk about in this movie are at the at the expense of the army. There's one later on that I'm excited to talk about. Can we talk about gay cues, please? There is a gay cue. No, just I said cues plural because we have to, we have to do a bit of an are you being served thing? So he gets fitted for his like gadget suits by a pair of homosexuals. And this is played about at the level that you'd expect.

Right. It's very much like, are you in good hands now, Mr. Bond? Yeah, again, where's the joke before is that they're Scottish. Now the joke is just that they're gay. Oh, yes, that's yours. Have you heard of these?

On the other hand, it does mean that once again, highest-paid bond also first gay cue. So Ben Wys wish or hoops. They give him a bulletproof vest that he never uses again on a radio watch that I don't know that he uses but someone else does. Yes, and then he doesn't use it but a different bond does yeah. Yeah, and because they miscut this, there's a joke that doesn't land. He's supposed to like use the watch to talk to gay queue who's in the same room and the Joker's art, like you're in the same room.

But instead, they substitute Gake you on the watch with fucking vestballin, and the joke doesn't work anymore. Yeah, because it is like you're in a... There's a scene they talk about the pen. There's a pen, and he's about to use the pen that's lying down to sign his name, what I'm saying. And they're like, I don't use that. When soon as you put that pen to paper,

it sprays poison or acid back at you. He goes, oh, that'd be good for writing it. And then all three of them say in unison, poison pen letter. Yeah, and then Gage, you go, everyone always do this. Yes, which I said quite like. I appreciated that.

The thing is the piece sellers is like a decent, well, he's a very talented comedian who's a fine actor. Or for, awful person. Also, like having that pass on the script to tighten up his lines actually did make some of them tighter anyway. So, so. And we need another woman, Bond. Yes, we have three James Bond 007.

Which is of course the daughter of James Bond 007. Yeah, which is of course the daughter of James Bond 007. Yes, matter bond as in Marsehaari. I will point out at this point that that Niven has to go to India for this and experience the racism zone. And I'm cool. Marsehaari was a very white Dutch person. Like a name was Martha.

It was real. Yeah a name was Martha. It was a real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a real somebody kind of overhyped in hindsight, but yeah, she was a very white Dutch woman who used to do like exotic burlesque. Margarita Gier Trude McLeod, better known by her stage name, Master Hari. It's a very cool but pointless dance sequence. Yeah. And then I did wonder

why there was someone in the the cast list builders temple guard. I was trying to figure that out. And then they run to the temple. No, that's why. And we do a bit that is done funnier in both on her majesty secret service and for your eyes only, which is, ah, she's a very attractive woman, but she's got a common English accent. Yeah, this is, yeah, this is not sure. Yeah, that's the joke. She just sounds, she just sounds a bit northern and not even like, it's not broad at all, it's like barely noticeable.

Like, not even ridiculously so, right? It's not even like taken to extreme, it just, it just seems like a version talking. She sounds like a woman who is maybe from like leads or something. Whereas before the joke was like, yo, you heard a Scotland. Now it's just like, yo, you heard of anything north of the M25?

No, never. No. To me, it's this is the Watford gap. You have Watford and then Glasgow and everything in between. So he recruits her. She calls him daddy a lot. She also tries to fuck him.

And I'm like, that's your dad. That's your father. There's a number of racist jokes. One is at... He spent there's a guy there and bonds about to explain it but never bond. If I had to explain the reason why he's recruiting her and he goes to see speak English and she goes do you speak English and he goes no and then he's like right and then just carries on which is I think a big guy bit classic manga bit. Absolutely not absolutely manga but

classic big guy bit classic manga bit. Absolutely. Not absolutely manga bit. So Smurge have a headquarters in Berlin, East Berlin, which is a dance headquarters, like a dancing school is their cover. And she used to go to the dancing school. So Bond is like, Bond, will you please go and infiltrate the school, the black one at school? He does also like get get niv an absolutely stonked off of some opium team, which is very funny. Yeah. So, yeah, there's another funny joke. Notice that I'm counting these individually,

because there's not a lot. You've got to portion them out. The joke is she leaves MI6 headquarters and she's like, well, I don't know how to get to Berlin and the taker off the board guy calls her a taxi. The taxi driver, Bernard Cribbins. And he does Berlin and the takeer of the board guy calls her a taxi. The taxi driver, Berlin Kribin. Berlin Kribin. And he does it like not going south of the river that time of night joke because he goes, oh, Berlin, East or West. And when she says West, he goes, oh, that's all right, then he drives her to Berlin.

That was funny. That was funny. It's also very funny because the next scene is him driving in Berlin and he's just like doing the classic London taxi driver thing So yeah, where do you learn a drive? It's like Almost top secret level joke right there. Yeah, and he kind of Joe the top secret would like pull up like like gloss over to like fill us scene he pulls up outside the Berlin wall and Like you're on one side and it like the camera raises over and you see on the other side of the Berlin Wall, it's just all lit red.

Yeah, they play it. Baller-likeers start playing. I quite like it. So we go to we go to spy school where we are introduced to Frouh Hoff Hoffner who is kind of like Edna mode and I like her a lot. The thing about frow Hoffner is that she is a girl boss. Like at one point she literally does just try to gaslight her. Because the way she finds like, okay so Mata Bond, like,

and covers the fact that there's going to be this auction. The sheifer is selling off his collection of rare A-pen-FTs in order to raise money for the fucking backer. That's right. Yeah. And... No, if it's gambling, that's just murder. Yeah, and she asks for a Hoffner about this and she just goes, Who am I? The Hoffner.

Never heard of her. You're insane, my child, quite insane. Beautiful. Yeah, so for some reason, just mersh, that I don't know if this is parodying something, but they're all really weird, like the architectures all Tim Burton and Strange, the lighting's weird.

Ronnie Corbett is here, originally. He's not funny, but you know, please say, Sean, and they're a spy school, and they're like, oh, we're. But you know, police are strong. And they're there a spy school and they're like, oh, we're so happy you've returned. Don't ask about this auction. And then, and then I'd like to I'd like to before you get in about I would like to read the entire

exchange on the the staircase for gaslighting. Quite nice. It goes and I'm just going to alternate between Frawhopner and Mar-a-Bond, no change in accent. I can't argue them. I go, come on child, the auction is about to begin. Auction? Tonight we're selling off one of the finest art collections in Europe. The Sheif's collection.

Who? The Sheif. Who's the Sheif? The man who earns the collection. What collection? The collection is about to be auctioned, who said anything about an auction. You did, who am I?

Frau Hoffner, never heard of her. Oh, interesting, my child. And I was like, I'm twice insane. They're doing this while they're walking down like a fucked staircase and I was like, that was like the like, like, lies a Manelli Cabaret haircut.

She's wearing a black turtleneck and a cloak. I like for a Hoffner a lot. Frau Hoffner is the world's worst improv partner. Manelli Cabaret haircut, she's wearing a black turtleneck and a cloak. I like for a half an hour a lot. Yes. For a half minutes, the world's worst improv partner. So yeah, a couple of weeks ago, at time that this comes out, I posted on the account three images of our reactions in the group chat when something occurred. And since you were the first to see it, it is only fair. I passed the floor to Miss Amigur, tell us what the fuck happened to break

our minds into. Yes. I couldn't believe it, but a character enters this film. He works for the chiefer. He might say he's the chiefer's number two. Or three I forget it's a bit part really But it's it's fucking Shot and I went fucking ape shit Yes, I stood up and cheered. I thought I had hallucinated this. I thought the vaccine had fucking got me. I was genuinely convinced at this point that this movie was a shared like folly at while,

like a shared hallucination. We have laid to this film. Like somehow our podcasts are falling into the sludge from Ghostbusters 2 and then how did that has grown this film? what actually about Cronstein from from from Russia with love is in this movie. Because he's in the movie. But he's wasted in the movie. But he fucking walks into the scene and I have not been the same since. He's wasted in the film as is only proper for Cronstein, as Cronstein was in the original.

Yes, that's politically. It is essentially a shoo-in. Yeah, first-first win in the Cronstein-roze-ette. Yes, he's going to be the first character to get a Cronstein-roze-ette and bar. I'm going to pin a little the pelvin off Cronstein What's it? Here you go my man

You did it We never left a tear of their little on this map Yeah, like absolutely like a fracked or Cronstein Rose that Cronstein squad But who's the two orange champions compared with Kronskron. They need seven of them to even come close. So Kronskron is trying to auction Lashifra's rare APNFTs. But, but math of all,

the power sentence, like destroys the slides that the apes are on. No one can see the apes, no one can like right click and save them. She pulls a big switch that starts displaying war on the thing and like the American GI and else. It's war, like Zoom's right in on his face and like the Chinese guys who are also there

say something similar. And then like they're running to phones to call home and like there's a British guy who just calls up his wife and it's like Yes, might not be able to make it happen for Denim. I love wars started the war It turns out that the ape NFTs are actually like blackmail material It's like photos of politicians with like you know girls and stuff and The leaders of various militaries are there including the the Chinese military, who are there being racist. The head of the Chinese military is played by Bert Quoc.

Yes, the Chinese actor. Who we have seen before. Not now, right, though. Yeah, because in diamonds are for, the one with the blow, if I could go to space. He was the man who says everything twice. So there he is. He's back.

So at this point, a madcap fight, so he breaks out, mad cap, he was not a compliment. If you think about like, if you think about like Cannonball Ron, it's like that, but like worse, in fact, a lot of a lot of jokes happen. And then Vlad like Shabel escapes and he gets on the phone. I'll let you do this first. And he gets on the phone. I'll let you do this first. And he gets on the phone and this is the second time. The points at which the other hemisphere of my brain just collapse still on itself because he picks up the phone

and on the other end it's awesome wells. Mm, the sheep. Awesome fucking wells. It's in this movie. It's a wireless sheep and he doesn't fucking get a good job. The French champagne has always been celebrated for its like, that's awesome.

Wow. French, also late stage, awesome wells. There's a line, there's a line later on, where he's talking about torturing someone. And he says, physically, I'm going to do anything, which is also his approach in this movie. And I'm kind of do anything. Which is also his approach in this movie. And I love that.

That's so much. It sits stuck still in every scene. And it's even stuck in the goal. Looking awesome. Well, he remains seated the whole movie. He is a purely sedentary part. But he's a better actor than anybody there. And this will have consequences.

But yeah, so Vladox Shabel is then killed by Orson Wells for failing. I know. As always, as it always happens. Always, it's the start of time. It's the fate of a constein. The cross-steen must always be killed for failing them in a way if it wasn't really that fault. Absolutely, absolutely. And so now, Lushie for House play, so I can wrap instead. Two points. The first

so two points. The first is when Kronestein is blown up, he's in like a pay phone up against the Berlin wall. Yes. So he's causing he's like, what about me? And Lushie pushes a button and the payphone explodes and then just like a bunch of what I can only describe as like 1910s peasants just start fucking pouring through the wall. Yeah, it does it's a massive hot.

I'll do this in real life. And the other thing is there is while they're going through the spy training school, there is one bit where they open up a door and they're like, ah, this is where we learn to fight. And it's just 500 guys doing judo throws in sped up footage, which is wildly sped up, too. A perfect decision of James Bond. Like, that's one of the only jokes that survive the 800 rewrites, which is fighting is speeding up judo throws.

Yeah, they're practicing light attack, they're practicing heavy attack all the hits. So at this point, at this point, the movie has to start an hour and 20 minutes in. Yeah, the movie Casino Royale, which is about James Bond going to gamble against Lachufra at Casino Royale. Everyone is now done. Now, don't know who wrote the next bit of this? Now, Peter Sellers, Peter Sellers is playing James Bond here. And henceforth we're calling him James Bond. He's back in this movie, earning his one-twelfth of the budget. And so not doing that well.

They try to do the thing with like a sexy woman woman like appears in his hotel room to seduce him. And in sort of a bond desk thing, he's supposed to like turn and fire a gun like pasta. The thing is, right, if you fire a blanket someone, you can really, really a close enough range, really. And he's a sellers absolutely did this to this actress. His, this was her first scene with him. She comes on to set, she didn't know this was gonna happen. And he shoots her in the fucking face. And she had a, a shitload of like cuts to her forehead after this.

And she was terrified every time she was on screen with Peter Sellers again, because he's just fucking like shot her in the fucking head, dude. Asi would be, Jesus. I've seen what happens when somebody takes a blank round like point blank to the face. It's not pretty. It still is, it's still an ex,

like there's still shrapnel there. Like it's a thing, a blank round is still gunpowder in a bullet case. The end is just crimped. Man, nearly fucking, I like Baldwin this last. Absolutely. Apart from anything else, he could have damaged her ears or... Oh, fine. She's still a guy shot.

Like I say, every subsequent story I tell about Peter Seller's is going to be worse than the previous story about Peter Seller's story going to be worse than the previous story about Peter Sallis. I think we're going. There are a number of fun lines in the scene I will grant, which is that he fires and it doesn't like do anything and she's just like you miss and he goes yes. And then how did you get in here and she's like I took care of the water. I'm sorry. And then how did you get in here and she's like I took care of the water? They might work and you like it didn't take much. He's 83. He goes, good, yeah. Now, at that point, no, no, no, no, this point we see we see La Shea for Orson Weld.

He is, he is, he is holding chief at the Baccarat table. And what he's doing is a series of magic tricks. And the reason why he's doing a series of magic tricks is because Austin Wells wanted to do them so he just did them. He just decided that he was going to do a bit of like close up magic. It's so good. Right. And at this point, I'd like to say to the audience that we've been toying around with another wall. We've had the Kronstein rose at. We've had the good night. So these are voicemail. We give them out every every single move. But sometimes someone really does go above and beyond the course of any kind of duty. Sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes some movie needs a hero sometimes somebody shows up and says

into the screen Doctor Kaufman a man will appear on screen and obliterate the entire movie simply because there are scenes where he isn't in it yes and specifically he destroys the tone of the film

yes for that we have minted the Kaufman star tone of the film. Yes, for that we have minted the California star. Our highest awards. For sabotaging James Bond films is properly worn with a sash in white tie. The cronstein star for absolutely health months. It's bloat that the cronstein star, the Calphe Munstar. Thank you. We're just thinking about cronstein a lot right now Oh, yeah, the Kaufman star which is properly worn with a sash and white tie for exploding a James Bond film around you And falling perfectly out of the wreckage as the only person we remember and Believe me orson well fucking

The kelp and believe me, Orson Welles fucking earns the cow. So he's saying that it's sunglasses, smirkin' a big cigar. I might as well say, he looks like Joe. He looks like Joe. Yeah, that will probably be the episode after a while. We're gonna not have F-Sodart to begin with to continue the bit in like two weeks. We'll probably have this.

What happens is that like Bond has to like sit down and do the Bond James Bond thing with him. He really does. And at this point, I have to point out that I hated watching this movie. I really did. What I really badly want to see is a movie or ideally like a Ryan Murphy series,

Ella Fude, about the making of this movie because Orson Wells and Peter Sellers could not stand each other on set. Oh. And the really funny thing is that Peter Sellers was the one who had specifically requested Orson Welles. And then what happened is, Princess Margaret accepted an invitation

from sellers to come to the studio for lunch. And he's being quite like, proprietary all about it. And he's like, my Lord, ladies and gentlemen, she has arrived. And Princess Margaret comes in. There's a little bit of a curtsy. past Peter Sellers and says hello Austin I haven't seen you for days spent the whole time talking to Austin and as a consequence of this he said suck brother he said Sellers refused to speak to Austinson Wells in this movie, he refused to be on set with Orson Wells. And that's so petty. And something of a problem here considering that the next scene is Orson Wells and Peter Sellers across from a table.

Like, it gets to play back around against each other and he refused to be on set with us. And I'm here reading the words of the director here. Which one? One of them. I reminded him that he had asked for Orson and said, this is ridiculous. You can't get paid this enormous amount of money asked for Orson Welles and then refused to appear with him.

You want us to do it all in reverses. And if we do it that way, that means you don't need to be there when Orson's there, and Orson doesn't need to be there when you're there. And Peter Seller says, exactly. I said, Christ Peter, you're behaving like a spoiled child, and he punched me in the face. Oh my God! What a horrible man!

And so they did this scene, which is at the back of our table, entirely in reverses. They just had a guy who looks kind of like Austin Wells from the back and a guy who kind of looked like Peter Sellers from the back and neither of them ever spoke to each other to do this scene. Honestly, how petty! Let me tell you, each other to do this scene. Honestly, how petty. Let me tell you. Let me tell you, Austin Well still sells this line. Like he's going like,

We aren't playing for marbles. The night is young, the rose garden is already littered with my victims. Which is like, that's quite well-spaces. That's quite silly. He managed to, like, I mean, listen, his last role, he played a planet in a Transformers movie and he still gave that like

Impressor and he was the narrator of Ricky Tiki tarvi Like you don't say no to that Absolutely Absolutely But then having been thus overshadowed Having filmed some of his scenes. He to sellers Walked off the set and he did not come back. He got in his white Bentley that he had been given for appearing in this movie and he just fucking dipped. He just-

I'm in love for hitting the bricks, I'll be honest. I do respect it if it sucks hit the bricks. I'll be honest. I do respect. I do respect it if it sucks hit the bricks. Although this is it sucks because of a situation that he engineered every single aspect of. And it only sucks for you. In fact, not even that. It sucks for your ego. Like, oh, yeah, okay, fine. You got overshadowed, but you got overshadowed by Orson Wells. Everyone was overshadowed by Orson Wells. He's huge! He tried to, before he did this, he tried to. It's so funny to be like, we need Orson Wells. I need Orson Wells where I'm leaving.

Okay, Orson Wells is here. Right, I've invited Princess Margaret. Oh no, they've got on too well. I'm leaving. Goodbye. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why? Every hour makes it.

Honestly, this was your fault. And like genuinely, he tried to like... You shot an extra in the face. He tried to bully Orson Wells, mostly about being fat, right? Like, how on earth could you possibly bully Orson? He tried Orson Wells was getting an elevator. He was getting a lift down and Peter Sellers

went, I don't want to get in there for like safety reasons. As if Orson Wells didn't know that he was a fat man. This obviously, like this did not work and so he just left. I can't believe like someone genuinely attempting to like bully Orson Wells. It's like if he's ever spoken to like a fucking like black belt or like this massive

like marine of one of my mother's friends is uh stating they're just you can't you can't messes up because they know that they can fuck you up like there's just a limitless confidence that comes with A being massive B being fucking awesome well, the winner of the Kaufman star. Absolutely. I haven't talked to the winner of a Kaufman star like that. Honestly. It came with Vincent Bugliosi. So, like, also, you remember Gade 007, who they had to train to be gay. The reason why he's in this movie is because they had the full scenes because Peter Sellers just left. Like, oh, obviously.

I wonder why he just isn't in the movie until we end. Just in case anybody doesn't know that movies aren't shot like in order of scene. Like Peter Sellers finished scenes that are like after this, but not scenes that are before this, including the fucking gay dojo. And so consequently, they had had to invent a whole new character to do that.

Oh. This should have so funny to me. And that's why there's like scenes missing, right? That's why there's specifically a scene missing at the end of this, which we will get to. But it's very funny in its absence. Because one man had an insane ego grudge against Orson Welles. I genuinely can't imagine being like upset it like getting shown up by Orson well

Yeah, how are you gonna not get shown up? But bonds move here and this kind of proof that Peter Sellers is a good bond is to do racist accents at Orson Welles or the guy who was like well times Love them for no real reason And then he wins as Bond does in the fucking story in the movie, whatever. What is noteworthy and funny to me is that every single hand of this background is the same.

Like he's got like a three of clubs and a two of hearts, every single time. Which I didn't find to be quite funny. So Vespa like leaves and is kidnapped by Lashifer. At this point Bond goes to chase after her, getting in a racing car and having a little bit of a sterling moss joke and sterling moss has locami over here. And then scene missing.

Because we've been missing. Yeah, I wonder why we just cut Straight to him being captured. Because if you've seen the modern casino around this, and you know that we're bond chases after Vesper, he crashes the Aston Martin and then gets captured. But we just cut Straight to Peter Sellers is captured. It's like, oh, okay. Yes, okay.

At this point, Peter Sellers is like psychologically tortured with marching bands and LSD. You get to put in the jokification regime by Orson Wells. Yes, there's a weird horny slash Scottish hallucination. It's not funny. It's strange. And then he is killed. Like, Vespa kills James Bond, peace of cells, in order that he not be in this movie anymore. So she, yeah. Yeah, it's not, it's not made clear at all, but she machine guns him to death. I didn't even realize that happened. I wondered why he wasn't in the rest of the film.

Yeah, the thing is that he'd left the set. So I couldn't film him being shot. So what they did instead had is a wide shot where everyone is like shot dead and there's also just one guy stood there who could possibly look like Peter Sellers from a distance and then it comes to a close angle of best-for-shooting. And then the wide shot, there's no one stood there and you're left to be like, he has been taken off the board. We didn't even realise that happened, but Smirks break in and they kill the sheifer. Yeah, we were really robbed of a scene of Orson Welles whipping the shit out of Peter Sella's cock and burrs.

Yeah, and I think it would be it. They referenced that bit of the story because he's like, he's got a carpet beer. Yeah, and then he's like, I don't want to do it. I'm reference the film that won't come out for 50 years. Don't worry that this chair doesn't have a season, it's just being re-upholsted. And it's like, okay, fine. Yeah, so my nose here just say Bond is dead, Lashifa is dead, 20 minutes of movie remain.

Oh yeah. Oh, boy do you feel every fucking minute. Does it run to David Niven? Yeah. No. No. Yeah, okay. You're a big remnant of bike, no, no. Yeah, okay.

You're being a bike kids too, and how that had like a coherent lot. For our paper. This is significantly less coherent than spike kids too. Because. I can London, David niven and Marta Bond are going to see the Prime Minister.

There's a slightly unusual moment where they drive up to Downing Street and it's really weird seeing Downing Street not fortified. Like it is now. You can just go up the door. There's a really, really surreal seeing that. But then Smirch come along in the flying magnet saucer from Spike It's Two.

Because again, this is Kil'Javis Bond the movie and they kidnap Marta. Yes, they do do that. Oh, it's Harold Wilson at the time, of course ita. Yes, they do do that. I was Harold Wilson at the time. Oh, of course. Um, there's a lion master that she's like, oh, I always wanted to see the prime minister. He does make me very horny or some shit like that. That's strange.

And he's like, that's crazy. I think I heard a Trafalgar. Yeah, I think you're a bit old for Sir Edward Heath. Also a bit female. Anyway, never and money penny. it's not defamatory. I'm not talking about anyone who's alive, Ted Heath is dead. Uh, anyway, David niven and money penny go back, they follow the fucking flying saucer.

No, no, the, the, the, the, the lady who became a nun, the lady who was Scottish. Yeah, three of his. And she's like, Hey, to save on this movie's budgets, we didn't get another set. So they've gone back to Casino Royale, you should go there. I'm kidding, man. I'm swimming out. Yeah, it's good, man.

People did a lot of drugs in the 60s, and the thing about those is that they were all terrible quality. Like 60s weed was mostly dirt and consequently, everybody who had a hand in writing this movie had just like inhaled a bunch of like fertilizer chemicals and the rest of this. They go back, they get captured by goons, the villain is revealed to be Dr. Noah and he's, it's Woody Allen. It's Woody Allen. It's Woody Allen.

Woody Allen. And he's Woody Allen. What they have is the sort of a A mind conference like Woody Allen He's here. He's in the movie again. They have a they have a mind confrontation. They have a mind-site Because the mind is that like Woody Allen can't talk in front of David Niven Because of how he's neurotic. He does a lot of physical comedy. He does Woody Allen physical comedy. And at this point, I just, I'd like to know, genuinely, no Woody Allen role couldn't

be improved by swapping him out for Rick Marinas. That's true. That is true. That's a bad point. It's not what we see because doctor who, as an old man and a beautiful woman run around? His plan is, Dr. Noah's plan is. This germ when distributed in the atmosphere

will make all women beautiful and destroy all men over four foot six. It's called Easter Diole. Yeah, so again, Kil'James Bond the movie, we have the Bimba Focation Gas. Yes. Yeah, that's as bad. That King's Remain. And then in the bit of the movie that I wrote, we see that like, Doc's Inoa has, is it

fucking, I don't even know which of these fucking bitches it is anymore. Right. No, it's the last who called the gay, not the gay guy. It's the, who the fuck was the last's it's the last who called the game not the gay guy. He's the last. It was the last. It was the last. It was the last age in the Gager in the Gager. It's not the last age in the Gager. Yeah, James Bond 007. He has James Bond 007 like tied to a table with big metal straps. And at this point, he has a fun line, which which I wrote down you do not in fact have to hand it to Woody Allen to remind myself where he goes.

Do three dole the girls you desire this way? Yes, so yes I address them and tie them up. Yes, I learned that in the Boy Scouts. It's I think it's a funny line. So assuming. Mine is here just say the real villain is Woody Allen. Yes, yes, that's true. And he's will not be commenting on. So that's that is objectively true in the course of the movie. So also it is about

it to pill that makes you explode and he's going to assassinate and replace all world leaders with robot doubles. It's just one plan, pick one plan. Yeah, and he's doing a lot. He is, he is. She tricked him into, like, hmm. She tricked him into swallowing the pill. And at this point, the ending of Blazing Saddles happens, which is impressive to rip off given that that movie came out 10 years later. Yeah, there's also a funny line where he's like,

imagine a world with us, no poverty and no exploitation and everyone's like, free to do whatever they want. And she says, oh, is that what you're for? And he goes, no, I'm against all of that, which is quite funny. The bonds escape Frankenstein from van Helsing is there because again, David Murphy. Yeah. The fucking like a bunch of cowboys show up, a bunch of Native Americans show up with even more rapists. There are two sea lions. It's literally the bit for the end of blazing saddles. It is the end of lame saddles. Even like to the point where a big fight breaks out and an archipelago fucking cowboys just arrive as well. Yeah. There's a bubble machine, a chimp wearing a wig a real that fires knives naked women covering gold

It's a lot worse than all of this makes it sound. Um, yeah, now this sound like we're struggling to remember what happened But let me tell you it's about eight full minutes of just and you feel you feel it I was watching the like countdown to the end of this movie and I was like five more minutes five more minutes Please, please it would be end of this movie. And I was like five more minutes, five more minutes, please, please. It would be nice if this movie ended. There are three colorway jokes. One of them did actually get, where I hate to say it,

much of a cowboy show up right now as a colorway to the old west where they were riding and then they arrive and think. And there's also a bunch of Native Americans, unclear what tribe or people they're supposed to be because they're all played by white. That's right. Yeah.

And they parachute in. And then there is someone goes call the police and there's a cutaway to like 1850s style, like sped up footage of a bunch of bobbies getting on an old station wagon and some falling off to drive away and I did find that funny. John Paul Belmondo is in this movie because we haven't destroyed enough beloved actors' reputations. What? Okay, fine. From like, breathless or any like God our movie, he's got the like lips and never mind. Anyway, so he's in this movie, he's also stupid. What happens then is... A guy just approaches another guy and he goes,

he's holding a guy, he just goes, this gun shoots backwards, I just killed myself. And it falls over and I'm like... Is this topical? What? Mm-hmm. Yeah, what was that? What do you...

I don't know. What do you know? What do you know? In a nuclear explosion. Yeah, it kills everyone. Everyone dies. And then we go to heaven except Woody Allen who goes to hell. Yes Woody Allen goes to hell every other James Bond goes to heaven. credit all bonds go to heaven It like I I swear to God. Seven James Bond arrived and they all died. This is all done musically too. No, I forgot to mention as well, by the way,

that Vespa is played by Erslanderus, who was, of course, honey rider, and don't know. Really? So I'm gonna, I'm gonna hear. Didn't clock that. Wow. If you have briefed up this time, so very possible for us to. So a very brief press. Pressy of the rest of Peter Sellers career, right?

Because I didn't plum the absolute depths of what a piece of shit this guy is. So this happened in the middle of his career, sort of stalling for the first of about three times, due to like constant drinking, constant like abuse, like cocaine use. This was right before his like extremely abusive marriage constant drinking, constant abuse, cocaine use. This was right before his extremely abusive marriage

with Brit Eclan imploded. And I mean, he fired his wife from another movie using the same move that he used on Orson Wells, which is if she's on set, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. That's not the worst thing. which is if she's on set, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. That's not the worst thing, the worst thing as I'm scanning through here, is that he had his comeback thing,

his almost his Oscar winning role was being there, where he plays this simple gardener who gets elevated to the halls of power, right? And I'm just gonna read you this paragraph from his Wikipedia page. In March 1980, Sellers asked his 15-year-old daughter Victoria what she thought about being there. She reported later that, I said, yes, I thought it was great, but then I said, you look like a little fat-hold man. He threw his drink over me and told me to get the next plane home.

When his other daughter, Sarah, told Cellarce her thoughts about the incident, he sent her a telegram that read, After what happened this morning with Victoria, I shall be happy if I never hear from you again. I won't tell you what I think of you, it must be obvious goodbye, your father. Earth's worst piece of shit. Honestly. Poor. Poor full man. Why? That's just who he was. And that's also probably the reason why his sort of like, piranical nature is why this movie is the way that it is. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing.

It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing.

It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing.

It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. It's a very specific thing. bastard ever again. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue.

I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue.

I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. and it's actually a bad and it's a damn shame that this is absolutely ruined Sellers for me because I really like Dr. Strange love this is

This is also the point at which Eon productions decide okay We're not letting fucking anybody else do anything to do with James Bond Ever there's this one guy who is able to do like a court-ordered thunderball that we're not able to stop. Other than that, nobody else is adapting this. We are very strictly exercising our like sole adaptation rights here. I'd like to read one more thing from the three of Section IMDB, which I really enjoy. It's producer Charles K. Feldman originally intended

to make the film's co-production with the official Bond series producers Harry Salzman and Albert Broccoli with Sean Connery playing James Bond and Shirley McClain as Vespa Lind. Salzman and Broccoli had just produced Thunderball and didn't want to do enough once so soon. United artists supposedly offered Feldman 500,000 for the right-stick scene of Royale in 65, but he rejected that.

Forced to produce the film on his own, Feldman approached Connery to star as Bond, Connery asked for 1 million to play him. And he said no. Sir Feldman decided to turn the film into a spoof, cast David Niven, and after the film went through numerous production problems, the budget went to shit, he met Connery at a Hollywood party and said, and I can only imagine the tone of voice he said this in, but he said, would have been cheaper to just pay him the $1 million. Just a man of the same way he's saying. The thing about Connery is that like, also a piece of shit in his way, also physically abusive to women. But the one thing you can say for him is he arrived on set on time and he knew his lines.

He played James Bond. He was capable of finishing a James Bond movie, something which Peter Sellers, despite seemingly wanting to, and at a time in his career when he was able to get everything he could possibly want was not Just because the show listeners if you want a career in acting there are two things you need one is to be unique and the other is to be good to work with But we have a science based system on this podcast. This is a mainline James Bond film. Yes, it is So we can deploy the scum spectrum We can

For smart Pulturing and sensitivity andoked by some misogyny. Go ahead. There's just a note here that says, in original versions of the films, there was a cardboard cutout of sellers and the background of shots that was used for the final scenes. That's fucking hilarious.

Really good. Anyway, sorry, carry on my time. So, Smart, I think it's fair we've lost. Which bond are we doing each and turn? Oh, we do. Yeah, all collectively. How's mommy is the movie? I would say it's relatively low. Like even so, it's pretty low. Yeah, it's pretty low. One even. Yeah. I could dare I ask cultural unsensitivity.

Oh, there's so many accents, man. It's broad. It's broad. I think it could fence more cultures than a Bond film normally. I never said someone be so culture sensitive to the Scottish. No. No. Yeah, we usually just go for one or two, but we've really kind of done a shotgun approach here. I mean, and the fact that we called it cultural insensitivity instead of racism means that Scottish people still count their full. Yeah. It's got to be high. It's got to be like seven I think. I think so, baby. Thanks though, it's the self. Now, unprovoked violence. I mean,

are we counting like, shooting an extra in the course of production or is it just purely what's scripted to have? I think it's yeah, I think it's within the text of the movie more than I do want to give it some points for the death of the beautiful woman in the Jaguar, which was really a necessity, but... Yeah, but Bond just like explodes the woman. Yeah, I want to say like a three, maybe. Yeah, sure.

Now, this one's very funny to me. Don't take that quote out of context. Absolutely going to take that quote out of context. Sorry, sorry, down from the... Can you just say that a bit more like clearly? I'm editing this one I think actually so I'll just put in a raw clip of me saying it here. Misogyny's very funny to me. That's not funny to me. Well done, well done. Oh fuck off.

But it's very funny to me because one of the earlier scenes, they're like, oh, the misogyny, it's on purpose, it's actually sarcastic, it's actually satire, because you see James Bond is really uptight and celibate in this movie, so we're trying to destroy that image. And that concept is dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes. And the misogyny continues on a vated. So I almost want to punish it more for hypocrisy there.

You know? So funny. I think it's got to be pretty high. I also think, to be honest, I think seven for cultural and sensitivity is a bit low. We have given higher than seven in the past. Like, you only lived twice, was an eight. An octopus, he was an eight.

I think this film's got to be an eight or an nine for cultural sensitivity. No, it's not like we eight or nine For cultural sense. Yeah, we have do it. I'm giving it nine Facts Roma Chinese accent multiple occasions. Yeah, it's an eight. I think yeah, okay I'm gonna give it a spoiler and misogyny I think again. That's gonna be pretty hard women exist to be fucked Six they do have some agency, sex, I think, is solid. Hmm. So, where does this land in the canon of Bond movies? That's a 14, 17.

I give it an 18, which is surprisingly low, but it's because it wasn't particularly smart meal violent. That's true. I mean, it's one of the worst possible ways to end a lot of bonds house. But like, it's just, yeah. Everyone dies the end. Like, it's like the fucking, and it was all a dream. Yeah.

A dream. It's a very bad film. It's a, it's about average, an Oscar, I'm spectrum. Makes sense. Absolutely. In addition to our scientific system, we do have a somewhat more marit-festein rose there. We have a bar. So impossible for me to even ask who she get the crown of steam rose there and this one we have a golden opportunity here and we would be

fools to not take it. Good night, cross. Good night, cross. A good character who goes above and beyond for. I think money, penny, fucking all the agents in MI6 is kind of going above and beyond duty. What about what about the like agent who's like what do you gay or something who does succeed in poisoning? Would he would he Alan? Yeah, she actually just like wins the movie. That's true. It's a good point. She does. It's so weird. And her, she doesn't have a name, by the way. Her name is just the detainer. Racket James Bond 007. No, yeah, that's right. I'm reading it.

Yeah, James Bond. The good like goes for the shaman's Bond 007. Easy. That was, yeah. That was nice and easy. I wouldn't think of that. Yeah. And of course, how from an star. Yeah. Wow, the French champagne has always been celebrated

for its excellence. We've been to pull back the curtain and just a little bit for the boys. We've been looking to give someone a Kaufman star for like a couple of episodes. And they have an opportunity for it to be fucking awesome well, means that we may never give out another one just because you have to reach this tier. Yes. Yes. Awesome. Well, ladies and gentlemen.

With Evan. What are we doing next time, Alice? Well, I mean, the next mainline bond is gonna be the 1954 TV adaptation, Casino Royale. I've just, you know what I've also just noticed, this comes out on the 22nd of December, so technically. Hey! This is our Christmas special. It's a very Merry Christmas, Mr. Bond. You boy, what bond is it? It's a very sad bond.

It's a very sad bond. It's a sad bond. It's a sad bond. Bond is it Join us in the new year for fucking Daniel Craig We will actually we will actually do this is a genuine problem that we will genuinely give you down Yes, we will definitely give you Daniel Craig for the bonus too long for the bonus. Yes We should do storm breaker is what we're doing. Stormbreaker. And then after that at some point, we're going to do fucking Dante's peak so we can get some all rosin and then fucking on.

Yes, we are. We're going to do Dante's peak. That's some. You said that on the podcast and now we have to do it. Yeah, you have to do it down to his pace. You can't. Yeah, it's down to his pace. You can't talk the voice like that whatever I'm editing all of us up.

All right, fine. Oh, before we go, special thanks to friend of the show, Mrs. X, who saved the recording before we started by helping us set up a mic. Absolutely. Thank you, Mrs. X. We have a page for you on there. You should listen to the guy who came to my apartment and was like, took a look at my fucking smoke alarm And then went can you leave the door a jar I'll be right back and has not come back In Peter salad about two hours

Peter salad, yeah, he just hit the bridge you showed him up with Princess Margaret and now he's just not he's not coming back man God, I hope that shit works So rest in peace to Devon. Yeah subscribe to the Patreon. We have bonus episodes. The next bonus stuff is gonna be Alex Riders Stormbreaker. That's right baby. Child Spy. This has been Kill James Bond. I have been James Bond 007. Joining me have been James Bond 007 and James Bond 007 and it's at this point we must simply say. It is now that time of day I have set apart for Debussy. Seven games pons that casino voya They came to save the world and win the gale That casino voya

Six of them went to a heavenly spot Seven fun is going to a place where it's terribly hot